Narcissists Force Co-Dependent Relationships

images (52)

The narcissist, with all their personality flaws and toxic relationship practices, brings the traits of codependency into the relationship and through demands, projections and boundary transgressions, FORCE, EXPECT and elicit, codependent behavior from their partners.

The following traits exhibited while in a codependent and narcissistically abusive relationship are almost always present:

External frame of reference – Focus attention on what the narcissist is or isn’t doing.

Dependency on the relationship the way that some may addicted to drugs. You feel addicted to the narcissist and believe you can’t function independently without the narcissist.

Difficulty defining psychological and emotional boundaries. You don’t know where you leave off and the narcissist begins. You take on the problems of the narcissist.

You are likely a people pleaser who makes it your number one priority: Attempting to please the narcissist. You quickly become the doormat and Yes man to the narcissist’s demanding and needy personality.

You don’t trust your own judgment, perceptions and warning signals. You have a hard time expressing your feelings, needs and beliefs.

You bend over backwards making yourself indispensable to a narcissist. You knock yourself out doing things for the narcissist that they can do for themselves.

You become an unknowing martyr. You often learn to suffer gallantly and gracefully. You put up with intolerable treatment because you begin to think you have to. The narcissist insists that you also “deserve” it as well.

We  become out of touch with our own feelings. When we express genuine emotions to a narcissist they are wrestled from us. We LEARN to avoid such unpleasantry by denying what we genuinely feel, in favor of behaving the way the narcissist has trained us to behave.

We become more gullible than ever before. We lose touch with our ability to discern, because the narcissist has replaced themselves as the one and only “Judge” in our lives. We stop thinking clearly and stop being able to act on our own behalf, because the narcissist has manipulated and twisted our reality to be their own, delusional reality.

We lose touch with our spiritual selves and worship of a higher power, because the narcissist steps into our lives, expecting to BE that higher power; there’s really no room left for anyone, including ourselves when we allow a narcissist to remain in our lives.

We become fearful, hopeless and trapped. Often feeling dependent, blaming ourselves for the negative experiences in our relationships with the narcissist (with their insistence) and misjudge the narcissist (again with their insistence) to be “too good” to leave.

Black and white, negative thinking and internalized criticisms keep us spiraling downward in our own self esteem and worth.

Posted on January 2, 2014, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 73 Comments.

  1. I became so dependent on my Narcissist that I am financially unable to “just leave” as I am in debt, still have 4 minor kids at home while having just a pt job for the past 2 years after being a stay at home mom for 16 years. I have second pt job starting soon though I still have to rely on husband and our 30 yr old son to share cars to get to work.


  2. I am in the middle of divorcing a passive aggressive narcissist. I am also in therapy and after reading the articles here I am just now beginning to understand the damage that has been done to me. I feel empty and lifeless right now. It is hard to finally realize that this man that I gave 20 years of my life to never loved me or saw me as a person. I made excuses for his behaviors, took care of his mentally ill son and swallowed my own self to keep the peace, or try to anyway, as it never was enough. I am suffering from PTSD. Just someone raising their voice sends me into flight or fight mode and I choose flight. I was a mentally strong vibrant woman before this man. I didn’t second guess myself. I was successful and raised two children by myself. Now I am weak, scared, scarred and pulling myself out of the hole. Every day is a struggle because I feel like staying in bed and sleeping. This man, who promised to love me is now a raging, arrogant tyrant who will lose everything to make sure I get nothing. I suppose I should be surprised by this.


  3. My life in black and white.
    How do get rid of him. He has nowhere to go and I mean nowhere. He has no friends and doesn’t talk to his family. He doesn’t work and I pay ALL the bills.
    I’m ashamed and so pissed off!!


  4. The narcissists insists on being your god.


  5. I have a really good friend that I’m in love with we were working towards a relationship when he met someone that turned out to be a narcissist he was only with her for 6 months and during that time he ignored me to the fullest wouldn’t speak to me or call me. She turned abusive they separated , then he started calling me and we started speaking again I did a bunch of research and discovered that she was a narcissist now he treats me totally different barely talks to me treats me pretty horrible and I’m just trying to figure out what I can do because I can’t give up on him


  6. I want to say this, always pay attention to your gut feelings, alway trust them. The little ‘red flags’ are the stepping stones to coming under the narcissists complete control and truly, the longer you stay, the more difficult it becomes to break away. Don’t make the mistake of ever believing that you can become just friends. They do not have what it takes to be a friend to anyone, much less the woman that they have conned into becoming their victom. That’s really all that I feel is neccessary to say….just get away as fast as you can and stay completely away. Have absolutely no contactwith them, ever , your sanity and your life absolutely depends on it!


  7. MmmmHmmm…I was married to an emotionally-abusive, covertly-narcissistic husband for more than 20 years but decided to give myself a little break and check into a hotel for a night or two of sleep when his aggression became intolerable. He shot and killed himself almost immediately after leaving me dozens of — if not a hundred or more — text messages, and more than a dozen voice mail messages, about how utterly destroyed he was by my walking away when he needed me (Sound familiar, anyone?). He really showed me. I am left alone (having been covertly isolated from social support), disoriented, and depressed from a) the decades of being alternately torn to shreds and ignored, and b) knowing that nobody is all bad or all good, and he had some really good qualities (Ugh, so codependent: Reminds me of “He’s a saint whenever he’s not drunk”). At the moment, I am actually enjoying spending time with and getting to know the real me, but I am physically unwell from the stressors that have recently been added to what was already a high-stress existence. I am in therapy to help with abuse recovery, but it’s going to be a long road. Communities such as this one have been amazing.


    • narcissists don’t kill themselves


    • I can relate to being covertly isolated and much of what you wrote. I’m still stuck living with him and our kids though we have had separate rooms for 1 1/2. yrs. I’m sorry he did that to himself which proves the lengths some go to be #1 in their own mind.


  8. Codependents bring their behavior into a relationship with or without the narcissist. An interesting example is what happens when a codependent tries to force their controlling and manipulative behaviors onto a normal healthy individual. The codependent will stop at nothing to force their will on the other person and will have an absolute meltdown when their efforts to control the other person are rejected. The idea of the codependent as an innocent victim that just cares too much about other people is largely a myth.


  9. I am codependent and cannot stop getting into years-long relationships with people who just want to control me. I am so tired of the game, the emotional rollercoaster coaster, and the turmoil of breaking free. I don’t want closeness in a friend or any romance. I am more at peace alone. But then, I am codependent and need to feel needed. What do I need to do? I am so close to just giving up.


    • Nicole Sabovich Estella

      Do volunteer charity work. Borders clearly defined there. Still needed and helping but from a positive step.


  10. As I read each point, it described clearly what I have been victim of in the 17 year relationship (15 married) between my wife and I.
    This has been enlightening and empowering. Thank for posting this, it is awesome.


  11. Everything that is said I’m living it everyday!


  12. Everything described in this article regarding Narcissist’s Abuse aligns perfectly with my past relationship with a narcissist. The more I read on the subject the more I realize just how blessed I am to be free of that evil individual. I’m still recovering but getting stronger everyday. So thankful for this much needed information. It’s priceless!


  13. Thank you this is what I had with my ex and still suffer from 5yrs later but I have great therapist who is giving me the tools and knowledge to heal myself


  14. Yeah 15 years of my life ‘ explained right here in this article – i may be free almost 4 years – but he is still trying to pull his crap


  15. This article hits he nail on he head for every single characteristic I have encounter over the last 10 months in my toxic relationship. Best explanation yet!


  16. Very true. Lived this way for almost 12 years. It almost took my sanity and my life but God kept me.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. When we are at the bottom, where do we get the strength to get up again , any Ideas, other than time?


    • Recognising what it took to get out & stay away, recognising what it takes to retrain & relearn what for others are normal every day things, but to us cause so much angst & confusion: like making decisions about anything, the ability to trust, no longer having someone that you have to explain everything to, no one to ask what you can do – we are left with a frailty & naivety, raw & vulnerable, & so out of touch with what society deems as “the norm” – it takes a long time to rediscover who we are, what we can do & what we are able to move through to enable us to do too. Pyschological fear that others will say is “all in their head” is very real, intense & painful to us – it brings terrible trauma back. The inability to commit to anyone or any thing, the worry that what we say will be twisted or used against us, what we do will be criticized, ridiculed, what we like or may want will be taken away, damaged or destroyed. All of this & so much more is thought of & felt in just a few seconds, but it repeats over & over again.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. The best defence one can have against a Narcissist is a good sense one’s self.

    If you know who you are and were before the darkness entered your life, where you were comfortable, happy and at ease with yourself. Remember and reflect on those times and that person you once were and need to get back to, put your Nike’s on and run,run,run…..

    Liked by 1 person

  19. My husband’s adult son and his wife are both selfish narcissists, who for some reason believe that my husband and I are just as much responsible for their children’s child care as they are…if not more so. Since retiring from our jobs, I was 53, and my husband 57, we have not had a moments peace from those two as far as babysitting their kids. We have helped out on occasion, but i’m very active and so is my husband. I don’t want, and never did I tell them that I would be available at all times to babysit. They are both gainfully employed. PAY FOR A BABYSITTER!!! I’m used to coming and going when I choose, NOT being tied down in the house watching babies. At one point, they just dropped their five year at our house at 7:00 in the morning without even asking us if we could watch her beforehand, MAJOR BOUNDARY VIOLATION! I don’t run a day care center, and they made the decision to have their children. When I let my husband’s son know that I didn’t appreciate being “ambushed” like that, HE got angry, and took his child and left and has not returned since. This was a year ago. I guess he’s STILL waiting for ME to apologize to HIM! I hope he’s not holding his breath! The NERVE of some people. You don’t impose your problems on me…EVER! And yes, i’m purposely not calling him my step son, because i’m really sick and tired or his current and past manipulating behavior, it wears on you after a while. I always wants his way…sick of it! He’s 36 years old and she’s 33 for God’s sake! Grow up (both of you)! Other people have lives to live too!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Faye, yes boundaries are needed, of course. But you should respect that your husband’s son was in the picture long before you were. He should be involved in the grandkids lives. It sounds like you are a very selfish person…you should be careful to support their relationship and not make it all about you.


      • 1). I was in the picture first. 2) This adult son is the result of a relationship my then boyfriend, now husband had while I was away. 3). Please realize that no one is obligated or responsible to provide child care for fully grown, capable, gainfully employed adults.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I have to object to you calling Faye selfish. She’s correct, she didn’t work hard all her life to retire and be used like a full time baby sitter. Let’s not forget UNPAID. I’m sure she wouldn’t have minded if it was only occasional and she was consulted in advance. If these guys couldn’t afford day care or a nanny they shouldn’t have had kids. They aren’t young parents they’re both in their 30’s.

        Grandkids should be a pleasure to be around, not an obligation or burden.


        • She freaked out on her stepson (that she refuses to acknowledge) and hasn’t seen him in a year. If I was married to this woman I would be pissed, because of the alienation she has caused. She also referred to the grandchildren as a ‘problem being forced on her’. Yikes. So the son wanted his dad to help out once in awhile. I don’t think that is unreasonable. If the adult son was being pushy or it was to often there should have been boundaries set by this woman’s husband, not her. Now there is a major rift.
          It is sad she has no bond towards these children. It is sad she sees her husband’s family as an insufferable burden.
          It is sad to even insinuate that grandparents should get paid to watch their grandkids every once in awhile.
          Sometimes family is an inconvenience. Sometimes it involves putting others first. Because it is family, for goodness sakes. You make sacrifices. It’s what you do. What if this woman was ever in need? Would she want these adult children to come to her aid? Would they, after the way she has acted?


          • Let me get this straight! I should sacrifice MYSELF and babysit, which actually I don’t mind occasionally, but I can’t set boundaries? Boundaries should only be set by my husband concerning how much babysitting I DO?!!!! Are you insane? Seriously, you should like a fool! This is MY life and MY time. I set MY boundaries. Maybe someone else sets yours. And for your information the “major rift” you talked about wasn’t started by me, it was started by a fully grown spoiled, entitled,35 year old man (at the time) and a father of three Kids, who, along with his wife ,simply assumed that since I am retired that all I should want to do all day is babysit their kids whenever THEY want without taking into consideration what’s going on in MY own life, i.e., doctor’s appt., vacations, sickness, etc. That’s what caused the so-called “rift” to begin with. My step and his wife wanted to drop off their kids on me without checking with me to even consider if I had something planned. The NERVE of me having a life like they have. Oh, and he’s a little update for ya…after attempting to emotionally blackmail my husband and I by withholding the grandkids from us for two years, and realizing that I wasn’t gonna play THIER game, my step son and his wife and kids started coming back over to visit. My husband always supported me in how I felt his son was treating me, btw. God did not create me or anyone for that matter to be someone else’s slave! ALL LIVES MATTER!!!


            Liked by 1 person

          • Also, when did I refer to the grandkids as ” a problem forced on me”? I said that they will not impose their problem (child care) on me. And sweetie where did I insinuate that grandparents should be paid for babysitting thier grandkids every once in a while. Not that any thing is wrong with that, if the grandparent needs they money and parents can afford it. I just NEVER said that. I never asked for money, nor wanted it. I simply want my time and person hood respected. Like I respect thiers. How hard is that?


        • Thank you Sally! At least YOU understood!


    • Your story has nothing to do with narcissism, it’s a typical 2 sided selfish act of silliness. Your post is just annoying to those of us that actually have the issue in our lives. Furthermore, if you’re going to comment on a forum, it would be great if you realize that writing a novel TO the person you’re angry at is useless, they’ll never just “stumble across it”, it’s the Internet for gods sake. And if you point it out to them, you might as well have just emailed them, so why??

      You’re in your 50s, be the bigger person and fix the problem and stop acting like what you don’t want to babysit because to me, you sound more narcissistic than they do.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I won’t write a novel. I’ll make my reply short, because if you write like you read….I fully understand your problem. Any time someone attempts to IMPOSE upon another their situation, i.e., babysitting, without first talking with the other person and simply ASSuming it’s OK, has a sting of narcissism to me. And it’s not my problem to “fix” a problem I never created so BYE Felicia!


    • You may have a point but has it ever occurred to you that he may have a point too? I don’t think it is unreasonable to expect grandparents to babysit once in a while especially if they are retired and have time on their hands. Maybe you need to grow up too??;-)

      Liked by 1 person

      • No one is “entitled” to have someone babysit their child, free or not. And grandparents are not obligated to babysit grandchildren just because they are grandparents…even if they are retired! YOU maybe codependent, if not narcissistic! 🤔


    • Good for you! Drawing a boundary line can be difficult.


  20. I’m so scared of admitting I am in a toxic relationship but yet I can’t stop brain storming how to get out but my feet are stuck to the ground and wont let me move knowing life turn out to be such a fail you can’t avoid feeling completely discouraged

    Liked by 1 person

  21. The guy is a monster and has no respect for you what so ever!!!!1
    Crazy man and doesn’t deserve a second of your time


  22. Wow…I was behaving exactly like this in my codependent relationship with a narcissist. I was never aware of how much I was losing touch with myself and how I was pushing my own needs away to be there for him. I was chasing after him like a dog…I debased myself for him. I never ever want to be that way again. I have to be thankful for my Brief relationship with the narcissist: it really opened my eyes and forced me to reassess my behavior. He left me so emotionally exhausted and on the brink of a break-down that I saw no other solution than to work on myself so that something like that would never happen to me again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are an amazing woman! Count your blessings because you’ve been given a brain that thought this through for you and the heart to do that. Both are very strong. You like yourself enough, in spite of what you’ve been put through, to take the responsibility to redeem your life. Bravo to you for all you did and do to take care of you, first. That is the key!


  23. I am 21 my N ex is 29. Our relationship was amazing. We never fought or got too agitated with each other. I love him very much still to be honest. He was my prince charming. I literally called him Charming. And boy did he like that. So we take a trip out of town and he showed me who he was. I got yelled at the whole time. I honestly was so scared of him I didnt feel safe beside him. After a coupleweeks I started talking about military. He flipped out and said I think its ok to just drop him so he no longer feels the need to keep me around.

    He broke my heart. I cry all the time its been about 12 weeks since our break up and I am 6 weeks NC. He told me he broke up with me because I didnt listen to him. He says he loves me and wants to be with me forever but he needs a wife not a gf for 6 months. I dont understand it. I honestly do feel now that I am a codependent. I started to branch out and not listen and he just left me.

    Does anyone know if he’ll come back ? I dont want him back because Im afraid of him. I still care and Im working on that. Im afraid that if he does then I will end up right back in the N cycle.

    I was so unhappy in our relationship at times. We did everything with his parent s. I didnt mind cuz I loved him so much nothing else mattered. I dropped friends and family for him. I miss his parent s so much it hurts. Sometimes to escape from my pain I use my imagination to carry me away to think of what we could have had. O god please dont let him come after me because I would say yes and not no. Can anyone help?


    • I’d love the opportunity to talk with some of you over phone, if possible.

      I am a husband ending a three year relationship to a woman I still love.

      I took the initiative to begin divorce proceedings in May, 2014.

      it’s all my fault – it seems.

      however, I DO have helpful info.

      narcissism is something that has generally occurred to a person because of horrific trauma they’ve experienced EARLY on in life.

      I KNOW what you are all talking about.
      I honestly do.

      it took a full two years for me to realize WHAT was happening.
      I too, have faults.

      By the time a person becomes aware of narcissistic methods, specifically UNENDING CRITISIZM, a person is left
      wondering if they’re own perception of virtually anything Is correct.

      LACK OF EMPATHY. when a spouse is unable/unwilling to put themselves into your shoes, the impossible sets in.

      I CAN HELP Someone, by discussing issues, relating, etc..

      It would help me immensely as well, to be able to TALK more personally (phone) to another who truly understands narcissism.

      not to gang up. but to heal – by learning what has happened, hopefully, learning to forgive at some point.

      pls email me with any thoughts
      I would like to talk on phone if possible.

      no intention whatsoever of anything other than learning / being educated / finding anyone who understands


      • I would love to talk to someone about this I really need some kind of support. My email addy is lolkitty18 @ Gmail.


      • Saying that narcissism comes from a trauma in their early life is a possibility but genetics play a huge part in this illness. I know this for a fact. Look back through your narcissist’s family. Examine their Mother/Father, Grandparents et al. That’s how I found the origins of the narcissism in our family.


      • The Narcissist and Co-Dependent Archives


        • We had such a beautiful beginning we became inseparable. I was elated to have finially found him. After about 6 months in somethings started to show up and i didn’t understand it. I remember being on the phone one day and I spoke about how I wanted to get married one day. Which I thought was fairly normal since we both felt this immense amount of love so I thought. That day was like he became someone else he became cold, empty and basically quite. Its like he wanted me to convince him of why I wanted to marry him and i am thinking that’s not the way it should go. Needless to say he gas lighted for all those years and never did it. We have a child so I just knew he was telling me truth. Nope. The things that made me realize something was wrong was the fact that his intimacy levels were so low. I mean he didn’t want to say nice things, to me have sex, , no communication, eat dinner with me, he started locking me out of doors, ignoring me in my face, avoiding me at all cost, disrespecting me in front of others, and letting his mom run all over me even i would speak up. I decided I had enough one day he decides to stay out.. i call and check on him and he cusses me out and didnt come next day till evening. He came home like nothing had happened. It was so whack. I just packed my truck and left. The next day I saw him, he was cold to me. For the next weeks anger was shown…. from him, I couldn’t understand it,cause thats what he was asking for by treating me such away. Who does that to someone they love. He literally began to start acting crazy. I would try to pull him closer and the more i did he would kick me. I am actually trying to still over him.. 12 weeks since I have been alone. I cant go NC cause of the kid. The other day he gets me on the phone.. 2 hours later I am like what am I doing. He often seems angry I left him. He just started paying child support as last with our separation he gave me nothing and ignored all request. SO now I just worry about personality type on my kid as I already see some signs. I have to keep telling myself be positive and self love is the best love. When he is cold to me now… I know these articles have basically saved my life as I have debated suicide soooo much its scary. I am about to start therapy, cause this cant kill me. He would have. My self esteem is shot.. but I am working to love me againl Self Love. No more co dependency I thought it was crazy I spoke to him the other day he said, you it seemed like i enjoyed the abuse. Psychotic.

          Liked by 1 person

      • Hi I would love to talk if you still avaliable


  24. I don’t think I’m a narcissist.


  25. I am in desperate need of advice.

    I feel so lost and so guilty right now. I’m not sure what to do. I spent hours on end over the past few months trying to figure out if my fiance is a narcissist. I met him online, things were great. We had a great relationship. He came to see me every weekend, he showered me with gifts, took care of me. He got very close to me by actively listening to me, stories of my family, diving deep into my inner core of how I was raised, were my family members abusive emotionally to me? Things like that. So, fast forward—he put this amazing trust into me. He is a successful man. He has a good career, he makes good income. He needs for nothing. So when he erased my debt by paying my credit cards, told me I was the one, he’s going to put a ring on my finger, financed a moving trip to take everything I had to move into his home-I went for it. I took care of his house, his needs, his wants. I ran his errands, I was a good little housewife that cooked for him and waited on him hand and foot.

    After some time I felt lonely and isolated. I moved out of state so I didn’t know anyone. I left my family, job, friends, gave my furniture away, etc… Moving in he didn’t want to acclimate my belongings into his home. He kept saying ‘this is your home’ but I never felt comfortable unless he was at work. After some time I felt a distance with him and arguments started at the drop of a dime. It was so easy to infuriate him over a misunderstanding or mishearing something. Maybe I did upset him, but the slightest things caused him to erupt into a chaotic monster, something I did not see before. He did a lot of doublespeak, there were numerous times that he would say something he was going to do, never did it, and when you brought it up to him he would flip out and go into a rage. He could not be held accountable to his word. The thing he kept bringing up the most was “I proved it to you, I moved you here, I took action to save you from the crappy life you had before.”.

    I wanted affection. I wanted love. When he was good, he was good, but in an instant he could go into a tirade and destroy my world. Every weekend he would find some way to have an explosive argument with me and threaten me, he would say it was over, to get my things together and leave. He was done. He didn’t want to do this anymore. It went on like this for the past three months. There were so many times I begged and pleaded, I tried to make amends, I tried everything in my power to calm him, appease him, apologize for things I didn’t even do, and NO…. Then after a few days of igrnoing me or talking to me like a dog, he would come around. If I made a mistake he would go into these crazy rages, again threatening my living situation, holding it over my head to control me and to ‘teach me a lesson’.

    I have trust issues with him because he is private. I don’t know what goes on during his work day. He doesn’t tell me when he is coming home. One day he will say he wants to communicate with me more while he is at work and then for days on end I hear nothing. Or how he should tell me when he is coming home so I can make plans for dinner, but he never does. He never wants to eat dinner with me, very rarely. If we have plans to go out most of the time we have such a heated argument that he punished me by refusing to talk to me and refusing to continue our plans. That means we never do things together. He spends tons of time in his office avoiding me. His interests take up our time together. When I ask him to spend time with me he tells me I am not his toy or his entertainment. He is hardly intimate with me anymore, he was in the beginning but he slowed down and when I asked why he says I shouldn’t be so insecure about my body and that sex is not how a woman should feel good about herself. HUH!? I never viewed it that way! Ever!

    I went to a premarital counseling session by myself, just to meet this person for the first time and tell him things. He didn’t like what he heard. We never made it to a session with the two of us. I read relationship books on communication with men so I could change whatever I do that makes him so angry all of the time. I have sat alone, hours on end writing him emails and texts because he refuses to talk to me. So many times I have given in to my better judgement, on something I knew I was right about just so he would calm down and take me back. He doesn’t talk to me for four days and one morning I wake up to a text saying “are you consciously avoding me?” I laughed so hard when I read that! He wants what he wants, when he wants it. He’s flakey, fickle, etc…

    He said he blew up on a coworker the other day and was so upset. He started to say he had problems that he needed to work on, that he can’t make me happy or his work happy. People saw what he did and told him he was out of line. They saw his ‘bad side’ come out and he doesn’t want that to happen. I sat with him for hours and listened to him, consoled him, affirmed him, offering advice or just giving him a shoulder to cry on. He said he wanted to stop drinking so he could be healthier and hope that the alcohol doesn’t affect his moods and his problems….he wanted to do it to help mend our problems. I agreed that I would quit, we both did. The very next day he brings in a case of beer. He was somewhat compliant about it…but he was not happy. After a few days of not drinking he tells me that I hold people too accountable to what they say! He then turns around and says he doesn’t trust me. The only thing he could say he doesn’t trust is that I drink too much. I told him I stopped, and I made a promise to stop to help our relationship. That pissed him off. If he was so distrusting about me drinking-he wouldn’t be spending hundreds of dollars a week on hard liquor for me and beer for himself. Seriously! Like, hey, here’s a few bottles of wine. He didn’t care that I drank, it’s just the only thing he could find wrong, because one night he hurt me so bad I went into the bathroom and drank a bottle of wine to go to sleep and not think. He found that bottle and was angry that I hid it from him. Like I can drink around him but hiding it means I am deceptive in some way.

    Anyway, this final week was the worst. He flew into a rage one night when I asked him what he wanted for dinner and he said he wasn’t hungry. He usually says that when he wants to drink. Well…ok. Fine. Don’t eat, but it would be nice if we had dinner together. He said I was wrong for waiting so long to contact him. Right. He started texting me that I better not accuse him of something or question him. What? Where the hell did that come from? I was immediately pissed off because I just wanted to know what he wanted for dinner. He offered to pick something up for me on the way home but then got upset that I said YES.

    Next day, we have lunch, we go for a drive, I make some nagging suggestion-yes, it was stupid, and he got infuriated. He started cursing at me. Cancelled all of our plans for that entire weekend, which he took the day off to do stuff with me. He took me to pick my car up and sped off, leaving me at this shop in the middle of nowhere and refuses to answer his phone. When he finally did, he tells me that he was busy and he didn’t want to be around me. SO…there. The rest of the day turned into a huge fight, where he name called, told me to get out of his house and he is done. He came down at no time to talk to me, just left me sitting there wondering what the hell just happened. The next day he offers me lunch, only to say immediately after—“how are your plans on moving going? I need a time frame!!” I felt deflated. He wanted me out, still, no cares, just remarks to hurt me. I leave to run to the store and to cool off, he texts me that if he is so bad with communicating why did I just leave after he offered me lunch? Why does he care, he dumped me? Right? So I slept, alone, on the sofa, as always. Nothing, no nothing.

    I am rambling-I know. Sorry. I was fearful, started calling my friends back home that I needed to move back, he was kicking me out and started to be honest about the emotional abuse. I started to cry because I had no clue why my mind was so confused, why this man that I love could dump me so easily over a comment I made…and he came down and started to yell my name a few times and then asked why I was being so dramatic with the crying. He then said he needed sleep for work. I was immediately burnt. I told him to screw off and my friend heard it as well. Embarrassing. At that moment I lost all hope. He does not love me and he does not have empathy. Not the first time, he yelled at me for coughing one night when I had a cold. I mean he screamed at me.

    So what do I do? I made plans to get out. They should be on his watch on his schedule. He has tried to warm up to me but I can’t do it. I am scared that he will warm up to me, and then reject me again just to watch me hurt. I can’t trust it, so I know I need to leave. The arrangements aren’t good…blah blah blah. I spent hours telling him what I could change about myself, what he did that hurt me, he did not blink an eye at his own faults. He just kept on going, sometimes to see if he could fish me into trying to beg him to not dump me, or to ask me when I was leaving. He kept giving me doors to tell him what I can change to make this work. His writing and texts were confusing. He is intelligent, he can speak well, but it all totally avoided his problems and focused on me. He owned up to nothing….no apology, no agreement, no nothing as I sat there and told him my faults and even said I would go to counsling if he wanted me to. That wasn’t good enough. There was never a good answer to his questions, leaving me at a brick wall. My own answers weren’t good–they were not what they should be, and so he would ask the question again as if I was too dumb to understand so he could elicit a response from me that was what he wanted.

    Today-it’s hugging me while I sleep on the floor in a room alone. Waking me up, seeming to be sad….and then all out rage when I tell him my moving plans. Full on fight. Never taking any blame at all, saying that all I do is project and project and project. I don’t even know what I did to hurt him or upset him, his responses are vague or he diflects. He has zero empathy. There are times when he is good, he’s so good. But he thinks that a house and money is what I want from him and that it should pacify me. I wanted time with him, communication and understanding. I don’t care about money.

    Now it’s-=–I needed time to cool off for a few days to figure out what to do. He is leading me to believe that he wants to talk to me and possibly work things out. He doesn’t want me to go back to that toxic living situation (I lived alone and took good care of myself)….but that’s how he sees it, He saved me. Then a friend of his called me! Yea, they don’t see what I see. They know he has anger problems but they do not know the abuse I have suffered emotionally with him.

    I feel guilt. I didn’t allow him to hug me. I didn’t allow him to take me to dinner one night that we weren’t talking-I didn’t want to sit and eat with a man that just dumped me and threw me away like trash. He does not care at all how this hurts me, it makes him even more angry.

    He will be charming when I am compliant and accept his I will change, if he could even muster that. I don’t want to be compliant anymore. I challange him, I call him out, I don’t cower and I don’t let him see me begging or pleading. It kills him….and I don’t know what to do. I honestly do not want to move back and start my life over, but I can’t live in this torment anymore. His charm and how loving he can really be at times lures me in….he seems so sincere. I don’t know what to do. Is he a narcissist? I keep telling myself he must be, that I need to get away because he has no empathy. Help?: Advice?


    • Oh god. Simone, this man is unstable and without doubt very abusive. I don’t know if you’ll see this reply, since your post is a few months old, but if you do, I would like you to know that people out here really get what’s going on. It’s not you, it’s him.

      “Rescuing you from your crappy life” is THE red flag to end all red flags. This is the way they all think. It contains their complete contempt for the victim (“she was so stupid she had a crappy life”) and their assumption of all the power in the relationship (“I had to rescue her because she was so hopeless, so now I can do anything I want to her and she still must be grateful”). In reality, this is nonsense. You and I both know that you’re an independent, happy person who is perfectly capable of sorting out your life – but the thing is, to a narc, the pleasure is SO MUCH SWEETER if they can convince a lovely, happy, competent person that they are hopeless and helpless and useless.

      This guy has outright told you to leave. Then he’s furious with you for planning to leave. I think he’s unstable and abusive and self-obsessed, and is really dangerous. My advice would be: make plans to leave, which you ****DO NOT**** share with him. Get your ducks in a row, arrange a place where he can’t find you and just go, get out, look after yourself. Know that on the “outside” there are people who will help.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah i agree get the f out there. The only way i can describe it is brainwashing. Ur confused because of his pathology and bullshit. I can tell u now he is my ex to a tee. Remember he has to fake niceness and emotion here and there to keep u hooked or he knows u wouldnt fall for it. Thats why they are fake at the start, if they weren’t no one would get involved with them. Think of it like how a cult brainwashes victims, hes no different. Infact cult leaders are usually narcissists. Dont tell him u are going just go. Please. It wont be easy. U might get harrassed or stalked by him but cut all contact. From experience dont tell him hes a N, he will not take that well. U want to win? Leave n cut of all contact, change ur number, email the lot and stick to it. Involve the police if harrassed. Following my advice will put u in control and not him. He will beg u back and give u sob stories. This is only so he can take control bk only to treat u exactly same again. It gets worse. Show him he under estimated you and never talk to him again or third parties that know him. Be aware too of his siblings or parents as they will know what he is. Narcissists have no empathy they are capable of anything.
        Good luck. Its been 9 months for me since i took my own advice and what a difference to my life. I will never fall for that again. Meeting then leaving a narcissist is life changing process and believe me ur life will change internally and externally for the better to the point u might at somepoint b glad u met them just for the sole reason u feel more whole and know who u are. Knowledge is power.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Please do not go back to him!
      I have just been dumped whilst in the bath by my narcissistic husband of 16 years. He has left me and my two boys powerless and without money- hoping that I would not have the funds to get a solicitor and protect myself from his financial bullying.
      I gave up 16 years of my life- and can only NOW see the patterns of manipulation and intimidation which existed.
      It will get WORSE over time- not better. These people do not change.
      8 weeks after he left, I am now coming out of my physical breakdown. I thought I could never live without him: now I realise I feel myself for the first time in 16 years.
      Be brave- get out.
      Read up on ‘inverted narcissists’- we may have some of those tendencies?
      Best of luck x

      Liked by 1 person

      • My comment/question to x:

        I’ve been living with all types if emotional abuse for 16 years or longer. But, now that it’s easier to detach myself from it, financial abuse has been his focus. I have 3 kids with him. What better way to make me look like a fool to them than shower me with kind words, dining and tossing money at me and turn around and blame me for paying bills and “blowing all his hard earned money, selfishly” even though I did as I was told! Leaving us “with no grocery money and can’t pay utilities- hurting the family”. I have no car because he wouldn’t allow me to make payments and wouldn’t give me the small difference in cash needed to sell it to a dealer. No job, or way to get there, and I could stay someplace far away but I don’t want to leave the kids. He’s not so bad to them. Actually great most of the time. If I leave they may understand later, but they may hate me if they believe the things he says. Plus I would be a burden to others. He compares himself with God: God only blesses those who live how He wants them to live!


        • Reading your post I felt like I could have written that at one point. Still stuck and needing healing, physically burnt now after years of mental exhaustion.


      • Hi,
        Im interested to know more of your story and how you moved on from narcissistic abuse in your marriage of that long.

        Thanks x


    • Run, don’t walk, away from him. He’s beyond being a narcissist. He’s sociopathic. I would be able to put money on his having dead animals in his life as a child, dying after he tortured them to death. Get out of there. Let us know how you’re doing back home with the ones you love. Please–go.


    • bright future

      I was married 6 months short of 30 years, and the emotional connection was always a confusing excuse of his trying to help or doing something to better me. I became so brainwashed by this monster when I found out he’d had an ongoing affair I was in an almost paralyzed state. I allowed him to continue to mindfuck me until I found his secret phone calling her the same sweet names he called me, this wat he couldn’t get the names wrong. He was very quick to help me move out of the home where we raised out kids, and less than 4 months later his whole new family is taking family photos in our kitchen. The family picture I never got.
      Run like hell, don’t be 52 and wondering whyou didn’t I see this. …he even told me about a party he’d attended, just left out he was with her. Very sick NPD, these peoplehave a switch and once it flips, they won’t even remember your name.
      Have a heart to heart self talk, NO ONE DESERVES THE WRATH OF THESE EVIL DOERS.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. But how can you cut off contact when you have children with the narcissist?


  27. Nailed it thank goodness I left him


  28. Thank you very much for this extremely insightful article. I have not yet been able to decide which is worse- the abuse endured at the hands of the Narcissist or the wandering afterward thinking that the way I felt because of it was a direct reflection that something was wrong with ME! I truly believe that when victims of Narcissistic Abuse don’t gain this important understanding- that the ways in which the abuse have rendered them nearly helpless are a direct reflection of the abuser- they remain incredibly vulnerable to future Narcissistic attacks. My frustration about this type of abuse isn’t so much that it happens- there will always be evil people in the world. I am shocked by the overall lack of awareness Mental Health professionals have about Narcissistic Abuse. Survivors of this type of abuse have typically sought out counseling at some point in time either during or after the abuse. Yet the words “Narcissistic Abuse” were never mentioned. Survivors are learning words like “Narcissist”, “gaslighting” and “trauma bonding” on social media sites. Although I am very relieved that the important information these survivors need is “somewhere” for them to find if they search hard enough. What is it going to take for this information to make it into the front lines of those treating these survivors? I can say for me personally it took me far too long to find the important information I needed to put together the pieces of the most insane puzzle I have encountered so that I could begin to heal. Why aren’t more people taking notice of this? There are many therapists who consider themselves “Trauma Specialists” who don’t even know what Narcissistic Abuse is. The consequences to survivors for not gaining the insight they need to begin healing are sometimes deadly. How do we get this message to reach more people?

    So many are relying on people like you to keep writing about this. Thank you for listening.
    Michelle Mallon MSW, LSW

    Liked by 1 person

  29. This is excellent, thank you.

    I met my narcissistic ex at a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting. I was his sixth CoDA relationship in three years (and he was in a relationship with one of them for 15 months so that’s 5 in 9 months.)

    At CoDA meetings he presented himself as a co-dependent who had great recovery. He knows the language of emotional intelligence and he mimics those with genuine co-dependent tendencies, so he appears to newcomers (like me) as a kindred spirit who can help others by sharing what he’s learned.

    Behind closed doors, he showed NO signs of co-dependency. He is a selfish bully whose arsenal of weapons included silent treatments, rage and shame. I believe he uses the CoDA meetings as a hunting ground for new partners (victims) and to hone his skills as an impersonator of people with genuine emotions. He actually told me that during meetings, he “experiments” on people. He said that he will deliberately rub his ear or touch his face and then watch to see if anyone copied him (unconsciously.). In that way, he knows who is attracted to him.

    Scary. Thank God I got away.

    Liked by 1 person

  1. Pingback: 10 WAYS NARCISSISTS DRAIN THE LIFE OUT OF YOU - The Infidelity Recovery Institute

  2. Pingback: Narcissists Force Co-Dependent Relationships | A Covert Narcissist's Wife

  3. Pingback: Narcissists Force Co-Dependent Relationships | vckhs7

  4. Pingback: 10 WAYS NARCISSISTS DRAIN THE LIFE OUT OF YOU | Project Man Beyond

  5. Pingback: Winning the Narcissist Slayer Award!!! | Madeline Scribes

  6. Pingback: Helpful Links for Those Struggling to Understand | The Hope Blog

Thoughts or Feelings you'd like to share?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: