Things Narcissists Do

Things Narcissists Do…


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1. THEY REFUSE RESPONSIBILITY.

It’s not their fault. Not EVER. It’s always your fault. His fault. Her fault. To a narcissist, it’s not their fault they hurt you, it’s your fault for being hurt-able. If your feelings are hurt, it’s not their fault; it’s your fault – for having feelings. (You may be told that you’re “choosing” to feel bad about the hurtful things they’ve done, and that it’s the wrong “choice”.) If caught doing something insensitive or selfish, they will tell you they “had to” do it because of someone or something else. If you imply that anything is their responsibility, they give you excuses and lies, and often, if those fail to work, they will finally make it clear that the bottom line is they simply don’t care because they don’t have to, and the fact that you care is just unnecessary or wrong. From their perspective, you shouldn’t care — you should get it right like they do, and be more like they are. Uncaring.

2. THEY LIE.

Narcissists lie to make themselves look good. They lie to get out of emotional responsibility. They lie to manipulate. They lie to gain influence. They lie out of habit. Life is a game to narcissists – a game they have to think they’re winning – and truth is one casualty in their game plan. The only time a narcissist has any interest in telling the truth is when it will serve them or cost them nothing to do so. The rest of the time, they don’t consider it necessary or important to be all that honest. Honesty can impede their self-gratification and compromise their powerful persona, and they don’t like that. To narcissists the truth is frequently “flexible” and optional. There’s no such thing as an honest narcissist.

3. THEY LOOK DOWN ON YOU.

Narcissists have to make themselves feel bigger by convincing themselves others are smaller by comparison. They’re no strangers to being condescending, snobby, clique-ish, elitist and superior; however, they may be very good at hiding their disdain to prevent a loss of popularity, which narcissists know brings them power. Narcissists with money look down on the working class. Narcissists in the working class look down on those with more money. Educated narcissists dismiss the opinions of those who have no degree. Narcissists with no degree claim educated people don’t actually know anything. Whatever narcissists HAVE (or think they have) is what they use to look down on others WITH. No-one else’s background, appearance, values, political persuasion, school, preferences, religion, way of life, profession or opinions are ever any good or worthy of their respect unless they themselves value and/or possess the same. If you think or choose differently from a narcissist, you’re “wrong”, and they’re “right”.

4. THEY’RE TWO-FACED.

Narcissists literally have two faces — their real face and their stage face. And neither is anything like the other. Which one you see will depend on how long you’ve known them. Narcissists can be very charming and know how to gain favor. Anyone who doesn’t know a narcissist well will tell you the narcissist is one of the greatest people they’ve ever met! They believe this is one of the most intelligent, kindest, most interesting, funny, agreeable, most attractive, talented or accomplished people ever. They may wish they themselves had it so “together” or were so popular. However, anyone who knows that same narcissist better (family members, longtime coworkers, etc) will tell you the narcissist is one of the most horribly frustrating and toxic people they know, and the mere mention of their name makes them feel uneasy, angry, frustrated or otherwise unhappy. Being the only one who is experiencing a narcissist’s real face, while all other family members or coworkers can still only see the narcissist’s stage face is a very lonely, painful and frustrating place to be. Thankfully, the number of people who can see through the facade tends to increase with time.

5. THEY’RE VINDICTIVE.

If you dare to question a narcissist or request things like healthy boundaries and honesty, you’re going to become public enemy number one. The “Mr. or Ms. Wonderful” mask immediately comes off, and there is no level they will not stoop to in order to “punish” you. They have myriad ways of attempting this; some are covert, and some are open and obvious. The narcissist has a seemingly inexhaustible obsession for making people who cross them “pay”. Once they set their sights on you, you’re a permanent enemy, and their seething spite will feel as intense years down the road as it did when it first began. The length of time they can keep up the full intensity of their hatred for you and their campaign to exact revenge is absolutely dumbfounding to non-narcissistic people.

6.THEY PROJECT PSYCHOLOGICALLY.

Many mentally disordered individuals project frequently. Narcissists, however, are some of the most actively and severely projecting people encountered. Ever full of accusations and criticisms, the most crazy-making thing about most of the narcissist’s claims is that YOU are doing exactly what THEY are doing. (Projection.) Have they just lied to you? Well, you’re about to be called dishonest. Are they cheating you out of an opportunity? You’re going to get the finger pointed at you for being sneaky. And you can’t say a word to them about something hurtful they have done, because that makes you an abuser – of them. You can’t give them anything but glowing feedback without their raging at you, but you’ll be the one constantly criticized severely and then called freakishly oversensitive if you show any feelings about it. And if they say so, it’s law — you don’t know what you’re talking about.

7. THEY SMEAR PEOPLE WHO OPPOSE THEM.
Narcissists are allergic to healthy boundaries and fairness. If you question the insensitive things they do or put any limits whatsoever on their bad behavior, you will be targeted for social, professional, or personal obliteration. Whatever narcissists perceive to be your psychological or situational “weak spots” will be their prime targets. For instance, if the narcissist knows that your greatest fear is social ridicule, that will be the main focus of the smear campaign. If he or she knows that recently, you made a mistake for which you feel guilty, that will be used against you. Narcissists know that the more effectively they can pinpoint your insecurities or flaws, the more successful they will be in eroding your confidence and your influence. And if they manage to do that, they stand a good chance of getting back the power they planned to do whatever they pleased with before you “got in their way”.

  1. Wow! At the end of that article you could have put a picture of the narc I foolishly married!

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  2. Yes!!! I wasn’t allowed to be friendly with others , yet , when I questioned his flirting with other women, I was told, ” geez, they’re just friends “..
    I was accused of wanting to control him, when I stated that all he ever said to me was lies, he flipped and kept throwing it in my face ..” but I’m a liar , remember…” ..
    Now I’m getting the big ignore and cold shoulder and I see he has moved on…
    After being told ..that I’ll haunt him forever….
    Exhausting!!!

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  3. Currently attempting to get out of this relationship with a narcissitic manchild. After luring through manipulation I left my home of 19 years and we moved in together. Immediately it all changed. He is the definition of narcissism. To the T. He has no empathy. Void of any and all emotion. Vindictive. A monster. He has manipulated his daughter. This man is a parasite on humanity. I cannot possibly account everything he has done and put me through. Everything is everyone else’s fault. He is always the victim. Never the villain. Everyone owes him. He has made so many miserable.

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  4. I believe that I live with narrisist. I see 2 councilors. I suffer from depression and anxiety and panic attacks. I take my meds as directed. How ever my wife has the same traits. But. Threw the councilors I have discussed to them her actions and demeener. Then think she also suffers from narrsism. Cause she’ll turn on you like flipping a dime upside down. She’ll go threw these episodes of telling me I’m crazy. And you you you. Which means. You did this and you did that. It’s always my fault when things happen. Every time there is a problem. She runs and tells the pastor what kind scrum bag I am. Then when calls us both into the office. And hears both sides. One time he pointed her finger at her and called her by name. You are wrong. You are wrong. Now she won’t go see him. 99 percent of the problems Is what I have done to her. Not what she has done to me. When an episode happens. After several days of no talking. She sends a text marriage. Tell me. Well if you want me to move I will. I’m a problem to you and you don’t love me. Which she doesn’t know bone much I do. But she Is slowly breaking us apart emotionally. And it’s my fault. She tells every one that I am an ordained minister. Which I am. And she treats me this way. I feel hopeless helpless lonely acussed and abused. With thoughts at time of taking my life. But the love my God has for me is greater than taking my life. If not for him. I’d be histroy. My question. Is how do you deal with someone after their rage has settled and they say. It ok. I’ll move out. You don’t need a woman like me. How could you love someone like me. Is that a tactic to just give in to her. Or is she rely sinncer. That is my question. It this a tactic of hers for her to make her feel in control. Or is she really sincere.

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  5. I truly believe, that the increase of this personality type, was perpetuated by the famous Dr. Bach. He wrote numerous books on raising children, child psychology etc. During the late 50’s when many senior high school students were getting pregnant, and parents were either sending the girls,away, or forcing the kids to get married, the priblems were just beginning.
    Next, tge mothers were given these books to read, because thecdads were either going to Vietnam, or work 12 hrs a day to keep food on the table. Mom had to raise the kids alone. Dr. Bach said, no spanking, no punishment, use behavior management, such as rewarding every good thing, ignore the bad behaviors.
    Guess what, these sociopathic prone children, learned very early how to manipulate mom, how to lie and vet away with it, how to blame their siblings for what they did. And, only get punished when they were seen doing something hurtful.
    Even then, it did not phase them, they were taught not to cry or they would be given
    something to cry about!
    One of the things my mother inlaw would tell me as advice, if thdy start throwing a fit, just put them in their room and shut the door. Let them wear themselves out. “I had to do that with Billy, and hecwould kick and scream until he fell asleep, ” she would laugh. Billy never stopped throwing a fit, stopped hitying, or shoving or knocking something down. He never did anything wrong, he never meant to say or do anything to hurt anyone, it was my fault or their fault for making him too angry.
    Just food for thought, never saw, anyone
    address this possibility before……

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    • I would like to fix all of the typos in previous comments, however, no edit button, I apologize. So, if you can read through that, please excuse the typos, I saw them after I hit “send”🙂
      I just hope, somehow there are parents who see this is not the way to raise a child. Discipline, for actual wrongdoing, and breaking rules, is necessary. Just saying no a hundred times, counting to 3 or 5, until they do what they ate told, just teaches procrastination, its not that important, I can get away with stuff a little longer. It creates an unhappy child, teen, and an adult who thinks the world owes them everything. Finally, a terrible marriage partner. They are not a partner at all. Its very sad, and destructive to our families.

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  6. i am living with an addict that is a narcissist also, my life is hell, he is textbook, i want out but i am stuck

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  7. Hi iv been going to counseling and so has my husband am not a doctor my husband is a narcissists he is storking me and saying bad thing to my children about me he wants me back am going to our house where he Is living to get my things and all the things I need to set up house for when this is over I am take three friends with me so am safe I think my daughter is the same what do I do

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  8. Thank you for writing this article. Every bit of the information and description are very true . That’s exactly what I’ve been facing. My narcissistic husband is doing the revenge thing you mentioned, yes their life goal is a game . I have done the very wrong thing in their eyes that is to set boundaries and criticise if his misbehaviour.He never apologise instead as you mentioned, he thinks I should choose to be happy and “don’t care” anything he has done wrong, of course, he has serious full blown affair with his married colleague whom I condemned as adulterer.
    My advice to those who are facing abuse from narcissistic partbers, read this information carefully because it’s all correct .Prepare the exit without his knowing. My mistake is I have told him I will divorce him and this has crossed him so much and he’s thinking ways to frustrate me as revenge. If I can redo it, I shouldn’t show any signs of leaving until everything is well prepared and ready.Having a narcissitic spouse is truly the most horrible thing in a marriage for they are wired totally different from normal thinking people.

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  9. My husband is a narcissist , for 7 years i deal with different emotions one day he loves me and next day I’m his worst enemy.

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  10. I have finally made it out of a 17 year. Union with a covert narcissist . I have been livening this insanity in a disassociated illusion . I am in the rage faze of grief. Sold a dream and given a nightmare . It is sereal to believe this level of emptiness pain and self loathing was love. The attachment even though all of the above points where spot on , is agonizing toxic and the strongest addiction . When they good your floating and when their bad you feel like a sewer guppy . Climbing out Detachment. And stop beating the horse. It isn’t even real. You were dreaming The worst nightmare of your life

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  11. The monster who is abusing me, has stolen my handicapped placard, and sold it to his friend. This monster has done far worse to me, and is always lying about EVERYTHING. He is a real pro. I cannot believe I was that weak, and cognitively impaired, as to allow a total stranger up into my home. Now he does NOT want to leave.

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  12. My Mother!! She has destroyed my life. She used her lies to turn me against my Dad. Now she has used the same tactics to turn my daughter against me. This leaves me with a lonely life. Why? Because she is selfish. She wants all the attention and she loves to destroy relationships. Mainly, its because I refuse to kiss her ass. She has everyone else believing she is a sweet little old lady. She spends her days on the phone, in secrete, telling lies and turning everyone against each other. No one ever knows what’s going on, and we are all left dumbfounded. I battle this every day. I can’t even have a relationship with my cousins. They are all over her, and I am nobody to them. I have no clue why. Its all a big secrete. WTF? How do you deal with this?

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  14. This is so spot on. Education is the only thing keeping me afloat these days as I am a month out of a terrible, abusive, vile ‘relationship’ with a serious narcissist. I just can’t believe that I didn’t see the truth in all of the lies and manipulation until 3 years into it. The pathological lying (to me and anyone with ears) was so overt yet I was told regularly that he has to lie to ‘avoid hurting people’. He projected infidelity and sneaking around on me every single day for the last 2 years. I now know that he was the one doing that which he accused me of. He told me to my face several times that he cheated on me with his ex or random women and then would take it back (sans an apology mind you) and say he only said that to hurt me and the fact that I actually believed any of it made me that much crazier. I’ve been told that I am mental and need serious help (him). That I am a liar (him), a sneak (him), and my personal favorite- that I had multiple email addresses that he knew of (that I of course was using to be on dating websites) – ALL HIM!!!! I never caught him in that one but let’s be real- if he pointed the finger at me, HE WAS GUILTY. I spent 3 years of my life doting on this monster. Serving him like a king- all the while being pummeled into the ground, not knowing what was up or down anymore. He is so vile and so sick and I was actually convinced (until very recently) that I was the crazy one.

    He is a clinical narcissistic psychopath and yet I stayed and even defended him til the end when he finally walked away (physically) and ended it. He continues to text me randomly about nonsense- always starting out ‘nice’ but ending it with vile, abusive threats or severe cut downs. I don’t entertain it anymore and it doesn’t hurt me like it once did. Unfortunately I am still dependent on him for a reason I won’t disclose so I can’t just cut him off completely. But I am much better today having incessantly read article after article about this disorder. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that he doesn’t see himself as he truly is. That’s the toughest part for me. Truly. I just can’t accept that he is fluttering around in this life truly believing he is right and everyone else is wrong. He blocked me on fb (a site he was on for the last few months of our ‘rel.’ without me even knowing!) which confuses me too. I know it’s for the best, dont get me wrong… but it’s like ‘why would you block me?’… I know he has gotten in contact with a few old supplies (his ex, baby momma, and a woman he was using right bf me) so I guess he doesn’t want me in the know so I can’t reach out and warn anyone? Idk. Shouldn’t concern me anyway bc no one will listen to me about him. His family knows how sick he is buy unfortunately both of his kids (16 and 23) are EXACTLY like him. Ughs. I’ll just keep educating myself and trudge along, with the benefit of getting better and staying in this place of ‘ah ha!’

    I wish anyone out there going through this much love and luck. You can get away. And you should!

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  15. Boy, that fits my X to a tee. Glad I don’t have to deal with that anymore

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  16. Living well, being happy and content with yourself and your abilities, and letting it show to them destroys them. They want to put you down, to control you, to feel superior, because they fear abandonment and being alone with their hollow shell. They will project their abuse on to others so they don’t feel alone in the world and so others have to experience what they did. They’re shamed in their core and it shines through now and then. It’s there under the mask. So living independent of them and being happy, or just going no or very low contact like you could care less is the only way to deal with them and save yourself. They are so damaged-there’s no changing or saving them. Stop wasting your life trying.

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  17. Dermot O'Donovan

    My Narc began our relationship with the love-bombing that I now know is the first stage of their manipulation. She is attractive, fit and can be charming. She is regarded as fun by her, much younger, friends and everyone thinks her “unfiltered” remarks and behavior are her personality, not a symptom. She loves to “dirty dance” and may expose her breasts if she thinks it will bring her more attention. This woman is sixty years old! On one occasion I was chatting at home with a mutual friend, who just happens to be gay. She joined us in conversation and, without warning, lifted up her t-shirt and exposed her breasts. I am no prude, I have been to Burning Man nine times, but I felt her behavior was incredibly disrespectful. I was embarrassed, and our friend was, also. When I expressed my displeasure later, she dismissed my feelings saying “he’s gay, he doesn’t care about a women’s breasts”. I have bought her many gifts and she either “loses” them or never wears or uses them. She has broken or “lost” many things that are valuable to me and never offers to replace them. I know to never buy anything based on her promise to “pay me when we get home.” It never happens. She never brings her wallet when we go out even if she is the one making the invitation. A year ago we were talking about our future and I mentioned that I felt that she was freeloading in my house and that she was taking advantage of my generosity. We had both been drinking. though not to excess, and she became enraged and beat me so severely that there was blood in pools on the floor and spattered on the walls. I crawled to the phone and called 911. The sheriff and and an ambulance responded and she was arrested and taken to jail. She was released on$100,000 bail the next day and a judge issued a protective order and a restraining order instructing her not to come within 100 yards of me or my home. She was convicted and is currently on probation and undergoing court-ordered group therapy. She was, of course, contrite and has returned home after convincing me to give her one more chance. As the offense gets farther in the rear-view mirror she is slowly returning to her narcissistic ways. She has said that the incident was actually my fault because I “made” her do it and she is resentful that I called for help intimating that a “real man” would have taken the beating and not said anything. I don’t know how to get her out of my life without endangering myself or my pets. I am afraid that she abuses them when I am not around. She is a classic narcissist and has the narcissistic rage that is terrible to behold. I live in a state of constant vigilance. What to do?

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    • Head for the hills and dont look back.
      Work on your shattered self esteem and find a woman who doesn’t harm you. Next time you might not make it.
      She is so not worth it, but you are.
      Have courage. Go no contact.
      Good luck.

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      • Be choosey next time not desperate learn from bad choices it all serves a purpose you are at the bottom of the ladder now work your way up and be happy

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    • Hey! Have you been dating my girl on the side? (LOL)… I knew I couldn’t be alone, but I am glad you posted this Dermot. I won’t compare stories note for note, but you described a lot of familiar ground. It’s nice to see I am not the only male with this albatross. My friends and family are tired of ‘us’ and I have painted myself into a corner of sorts. Even my Doctor told me to ‘leave’.
      She used to ‘silent treatment’ me. I actually miss that. Now that I am trying to walk away she keeps texting/calling me for stuff. I know intellectually she is just trying to bring me within punching range, and my spiritual truth of forgiving all people keeps the cycle going. I feel helpless a lot of the time. Funny… I am confident in some of the other area’s in my life but not with discarding people. What to do? HELP!!!!

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    • Dermot, I know it’s months after you wrote this. I am a woman who is verbally abused by my husband. Luckily it’s not as bad as in your case. As soon as I read how severely she beat you, I can only advise you to try and seek shelter. Depending on in which country you live, there should be a couple of shelter options for you. If you can, go to one with maximum security and protection. While youre there, you can start filing for divorce or otherwise arranging the breakup details. As for your pets: your local social workers might know a shelter address for pets. Here in Holland there is such a thing but not everywhere. Otherwise take them to family or friends.

      BUT! BE SILENT ABOUT IT! Prepare to leave by arranging your shelter, finances and lawyer in secret. Pack a bag for absolute emergencies, with clothes, toothbrush etc. Also pack larger bags with the stuff you need (more clothes, paperwork, stuff for work or college) and take those bags out of the house and to friends or family secretly ASAP. Preferably only pick one or two people to help you, as anyone could inadvertently leak your secret to her (and then she WILL hurt you). Seek out the best lawyer you can. Get yourself a social worker and maybe a psychologist: these are very important to help you through the practical issues and the mental hurt.

      Also the one or two people you pick, could be helpful by just listening to your story and reassuring you you are not the one to blame for anything.

      It sounds like you are at an advanced age, which means please don’t waste time on people who treat you like a piece of crap. Better off being alone than with her.
      Please please leave. Take time to heal. And maybe pick up on self defense like martial arts. It could help you defend yourself in future situations (which i hope won’t happen, but you never know, you could also get robbed in the street).

      If youre still with her, it is very important to record anything and everything. For the court, but also for yourself. She WILL try to project everything on you; to gaslight you and to put up a smear campaign against you, just so people will not see her real face. By showing camera or mic evidence, call logs, angry e-mails and your personal logbook. I hope all ends well for you. Love, peace, hope and happiness to you!

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    • Wow…i thought it was just me going through this abuse…as a Man i dont fight women….now im a Psych Major…know what narcissim is…but never imagined in my worst NIGHTMARE WOULD I WIND UP IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE FULL BLOWN DISORDER…..OMG…

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    • Wow! This sounds so familiar. My husband is narcissistic. We have been separated for six months now because he abused me physically in front of our children. I called the police he was locked up, restraining order and all, we start trial for this case, 9/11/17. He said I blew everything out of proportion. He says I should have just let him beat me, and accepted it, not call the police. He says once the trial is over we will get a divorce, but he will eventually “get me back” for all of this. We have two children. We, all three, are in couseling, but they don’t fully understand why daddy can’t come around. He has refused the help the courts have offered him twice already… and it’s just a sad, sad case. Almost 20 years of his abuse. This last time I couldn’t let him get away with it, and he says, I’m wrong!!

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