Posted by ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse
Posted on January 18, 2014, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.
My Mother is a non diagnosed Narcissistic
and every relationship I have been in has been with a man who is abusive in some way.
My husband I thought was the love of my life my knight and I do still love him but have just realised that I am being emotionally abused and it’s getting worse I have read your article and it’s my life.
I don’t feel joy or any other feeling I am emoitionally dead I am detached I feel trapped and I have for a while now wished my husband would die, im not proud to have that thought but it’s the truth.
He is currently bullying our daughters to the extent that our 9 yr old hates him,my sons who are not his are not allowed by him in my life
I am planning my escape but feel overwhelmed and afraid but it can’t go on and I know I need to get myself back and keep my babies safe.
He won’t let me go easily so I have to do it deceitfully which doesn’t sit well with who I am but there is no other way.
He has done a good job on me because my head is completely screwed and here I am feeling guilty and upset for how he is gonna feel when he is all alone, why do I feel like this I don’t know but it’s not me anymore I’m somewhere else.
Thanks for your article it’s very informative.
What? As abuse by a narcissist.
For my last ‘relationship’ with one, it was a few of these within a short space of time (googling after seeing a fb page a friend had ‘liked’, remembering the term narcissist from reading psychology years ago, but particularly the narcissist revealing their own knowledge/past ‘accusation’ from a relationship by accusing me of calling them this (when I know I never-I was receiving emails for support on parental narcissistic abuse, which they had evidently hacked (again) and assumed (correctly enough, for once) it was about them).
The full term of narcissistic abuse was not a term I had heard until I sought it out online-I think it was first from the fb page and book Psychopath Free that I found the page ANA, and all finally clicked into place firmly, there was from then, no doubt in what I had been subjected to in all my significant relationships.
Years of mental illness and alcohol problems that never felt resolvable, inability to express/understand what hurt so much are finally crystal clear. The last piece of the puzzle has clicked in. I was deterred from the truth by my mother, with fabrications and exaggerations of sexual abuse, slandering me and manipulating other family members (who I believe are also mostly people with NPD too).
I have spent the first 34 years of my life feeling guilty for nothing, bouncing (being kicked) from one hell to another, as my judgement and self-respect continued to spiral lower and lower. I spent 6 years entirely on my own, found my way to studying again and taking care of myself and others by volunteering with healthy eating and alternative therapies-ceased prescription drugs that never helped, and found my way back to who I really am.
Unfortunately, I then got involved with a true monster, moved in quickly, believing that we would be friends still if it didn’t work out. All I got was hell for trying to end the relationship, and tricked back into their games over and over again for 2 years under the guise of friendship.
Now I am finally learning how to set boundaries, and not feel sorry for those who feel nothing. I am so relieved to finally see a way to act in the way I have always wanted to, without guilt. I am horrified that NA is so common, but at the same time, so grateful that I am not alone, and ‘brought it all on myself’. I took too much responsibility for others actions, and it is such a relief to only have to carry my own now. I hope that I can help anyone else that has struggled as a result of these abusers. All the sharing and honesty I have read in these last few months has helped me so much. I now have the capacity to pursue my dreams, maintain and build the beautiful life I deserve (as do all of us with love to give, that was previously distorted and returned to us as pure hate). Thank you for reading this ❤
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