Psychological and Emotional Invalidation

I think one of the most covertly abusive aspects of the narcissistic relationship is psychological and emotional invalidation. When the narcissist has NO reaction to us at all, it denies our humanity. Makes us feel like were worthless, invisible, unimportant, irrelevant. Its so dispiriting we cant believe its happening and so, we try one more time to see if we can get them to respond. If they dont respond, their silence reinforces the belief that were worthless. This is very similar to what a child feels when a parent neglects them and does not meet their emotional needs.

If the N responds though, we perceive it as validation that were living, breathing, human beings. That we do have impact on others even if it hurts us. Even if the N is angry, at least we feel seen and heard and validated. This is the Hook we feel when ending an abusive relationship. If the N had never acknowledged our existence, we wouldnt get hooked emotionally. The hook is called Intermittent Reinforcement. We had ALL the Ns attention, dedication and admiration at one point, so we KNOW its there. If we can just do things RIGHT, well be rewarded with a response of some kind.

The Ns acknowledgment of our existence temporarily fills an inner void that everyone experiences when an important relationship ends.
The problem with thinking we can earn validation (reward) is that were blaming ourselves for doing something WRONG when were NOT validated. We falsely believe that their invalidation is and was our fault.

Invalidation is one of the most painful cruelties human beings can experience. Going No Contact is all about healing yourself. Its not about making the narcissist miss you so much that he acknowledges your existence with a reply. Wondering why or if hell respond is still giving him too much power to validate your existence!

I know this isnt easy and we all do similar things until we get through this painful grieving period. Ending a relationship is excruciating for n-survivors because we think we found the answers to our self-doubt and self-worth when we met the N. Then suddenly, we find out they didnt even see us as human beings. They loved us like people love KitchenAids.

If we had any esteem issues or doubts about our worth and value, the D&D (devalue and discard) intensifies those feelings. It may take years to overcome a dysfunctional childhood after the N awakens fears we may not have known were there. The first step towards healthy self-reclamation is to let the N go his or her merry way and begin a long journey of self-discovery, initiated by our grief. It sounds like youre feeling the loss right now and its probably overwhelming…

Even years later, its unfathomable to me how Ns can pick up and move on as if we never even existed. I will never understand it and I dont have to understand it. All I have to do is ACCEPT it.

Remember, the narcissists lack of attachment says NOTHING about you. All it says is that Ns are incapable of emotional attachment to anyone. They are NOT suffering, though. We are. So even in the darkest of times when you dont think you can tolerate another moment of pain, remind yourself how marvelous it is to Feel and Feel Deeply. Even sorrow.

Every second of their lives they are searching and searching and searching. For something to make the pain and hate they feel about themselves go away. But it aint happening. So they go through woman after woman looking for the perfect love. Find it for the first month or so and then discover this woman has feelings of her own, is not perfect, does not think everything they say and do is right, and ooops, time to move on to the next victim.

I also think narcissists are intent on creating the Image of love and desirability for themselves. As long as they can prove they are sexy or attractive or desirable, they can project fault and blame for the failed relationship on their prior partner(s). Your X probably views those photos more than anyone else. Anytime he feels some doubt about being rejected because you arent reminding him how much you love and need and pine for his sorry arse, he logs-in to his posted photos and reassures his stud-ly-ness as in, See how HOT I am? Two women vie for my attention!

Keep the faith. Be good to yourself. Thank the lord you got out of that relationship. And remember Karma.

  1. Easy to comprehend how the targets decency was used as a psychological weapon turned onto the owner.Vile and disgusting to contemplate I allowed this slime into my life.
    I trust that real people can find some points of alarm to alert them to these empty forms of human beings.A type of vulgar parasitical zombie.Is what my minds eye comes up with.
    I’m happy to have me back again.
    Feels great to be real.Alive☺

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nathalie Queen

    This is exactly my marriage and I can’t take anymore. I keep thinking once upon a time he was normal or how could I have been so blind. And yes there were signs but I always made excuses to explain away the behavior. I never get validation so after a few days of him walking around as if nothing happened. Days, weeks, months still no validation. No matter how hard I plead my case on why I feel the way I do to my husband all I end up with are put downs, name calling and my favorite just walking out. When he returns he acts as if nothing is wrong. You sit there and think how can he not see my pain as he continues on with his life as if nothing ever happened. It’s like your dying inside while they continue on with life unaffected. He would say if you’d just get over it, grow up or my favorite your just so crazy. What a sad life to be hurt by the one you love and they could care less

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Woman with bad NPD, had a relationship with malignant NPD man, since she went no contact, it has been 3 years of HELL

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  4. After all this time I have finally seen something that makes sense! I’ve wondered for years what I did wrong until I came across this so thank you!!!! I’ve just cried for the last time over someone making me feel inadequate even years after we’re over, spending the last 2 years with someone that wasn’t like him has been odd and it still felt like there was something wrong but I can see now after this and all the comments that there isn’t! It wasn’t me it was him! I will now be able to continue with my new relationship that is soon going to be marriage with the knowledge that the man I’m with isn’t the same and I don’t need to question him or his actions or be on edge because he’s NORMAL!! if that’s such a word.
    Thank you xx

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  5. Thank you for writing this. I’ve internalized my husband’s emotional distance and rejection over the course of an eight year marriage. Nothing ever got resolved because it was always this huge blame game. I changed my whole personality for him but it didn’t help. I stopped expressing anger in any way (on the advice of a marriage counselor that I now realize was incompetent), but nothing changed, nothing I did helped our relationship improve. $20k in therapy and nothing helped. Now I am broke, unemployed, I drink way too much, and I am scared shitless to confront him about anything even when he breaks my belongings (always an “accident”). If I “lose it” he will call the police for the fourth time and I don’t think I can handle that again. After the latest police incident I started having panic attacks at least once a day, and if he approaches me from behind I jump. Because of my drinking and past history with anxiety disorder and sexual assault, the authorities, my family, even my friends think I am the problem. For years I thought I was the abuser even though I was trying hard to change and the heavy drinking didn’t start until four years into marriage. I think he chose me because he perceived already existing weakness. That is how predators operate.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is fucking UNBELIVBLE I would like to say thank you to whoever has made this site wrote there stories on this site it helps me see and understand and I’m not crazy or the only one who has ever felt like this

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Wow, great info! Right on point. I was just discarded (again). 7 1/2 years of an emotional roller coaster. I have suffered panic attacks and extreme anxiety. I realize this ‘relationship’ was extremely harmful and toxic for me. He is a narcissist and a very disturbed person… and I need to go no contact for good in order to be healthy again. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. He moved to my town, so unfortunately I see his car at the bars etc.. driving through. He’s the “man about town’ party boy… doesn’t skip a beat. Will absolutely jump at the next fool that gives him the green light. It’s mind-boggling how someone claims to “love” you forever and wants to “grow old with you” one minute, then throws you out like yesterday’s trash and ‘on to the next’ . Unbearably painful and traumatizing. I feel like the whole thing was a sham. I feel like a fool for ever believing anything he said. I don’t sleep at night, and when I wake up I’m always trembling and shaky. I feel like I am going through drug withdrawal. It’s horrible. I am going to counseling, reading books and joining support groups to gather information about the horrendous abuse I have suffered. I am now on a path to love myself first and heal both childhood and recent wounds. I wish i could fast forward past this.. Love and support to all of you going through similar experiences.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. one of the best articles ive read ..! thank you .. makes perfect since of why he kept the pictures of me and his ex’s on his fb page ..!

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  9. You have been a wonderful communicator about the abuse, games and ultimate and only solution.

    I have been in a 27 year marriage with a doctor who is a full blown sociopath and of course, hugely narcissistic.

    I am just beginning the process of recovery having been abused for years, as well as our daughter, and I am only within the last several months seeing what I have, and my daughter lived with. Confused for so long…….and now it is so clear. He has pretty much all of his acquaintances totally fooled, as well as professionals. You described his actions towards me and our daughter with exquisitely accurate detail.

    Thank you, for your heartfelt sharing, it is helping during a shockingly difficult time.
    I filed for divorce, he is in our home with his girlfriend. I am living out of a suitcase. Never could imagine deception, plotting, character assasinnation, and an attempt to destroy like I am experiencing.

    Thank you for putting this site together. It is a guiding light in a world very few people, thank God, know about.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I did 28 years. I finally got away. Then he did Ultimate and commited Suicide. My ADULT children started off by saying he Wouldn’t want me at Funeral. He left a Friggin manuscript Blaming me once again I Made him Do it!!! That was 23 months ago. My children have made him the Matry, they won’t talk to me unless it’s laced with loathing. Going to PTSD counseling weekly.

      Like

  10. I always thought it was me. If I loved enough, tried harder, one more chance. This article describes the person I was ‘dating’ for over two years. I tried to break away dozens of time but always went back at the slightest bit of attention. I’m only just regaining my self esteem and gaining enough conference to move away, but I still cling to the hope he will suddenly realise that I’m special. I came across this article by accident but I’m thankful that it has opened my eyes…even though I know it is going to take a long time to heal and regain enough trust to ever try and have another relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Reading this article makes me sure i made the right choice, though unfortunately for me the N wasn’t a person I was in a relationship with, it was my father. I wish I had understood what he was sooner and would have saved so much pain and grief for me growing up, but at least now as an adult I have the option to cut the poison out of my life

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  12. I guess it doesn’t come as a surprise that I came from a background of childhood trauma and abuse and already had an eroded sense of self. I was the perfect victim who “adored” him. I had been conditioned from early on to accept abusive behaviour and to blame myself, so readily took onboard all his projections. He had found the perfect partner in me and it’s taken over 20 years for me to finally see the light. I wish I could speak about this in a past tense, but unfortunately I can’t. At least I’m heading in the right direction now.

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  13. If we had any esteem issues or doubts about our worth and value, the D&D (devalue and discard) intensifies those feelings. It may take years to overcome a dysfunctional childhood after the N awakens fears we may not have known were there. The first step towards healthy self-reclamation is to let the N go his or her merry way and begin a long journey of self-discovery, initiated by our grief. It sounds like youre feeling the loss right now and its probably overwhelming…

    Thank you so much for this. I have in the last six months been exploring all I can about invalidation abuse as I recognise it is what I suffered when young and it was the hole the made me vulnerable to the narcissist. Sadly it also turned me sometimes into someone who would doubt others were telling the truth, If I could not believe my own, how could I believe theirs? ‘

    The devalue and discard leaves us in the most painful hurting place but then the deep work begins of learning to love and accept ourselves and throw off others devaluations of us, as well as the mother load of devaluation the narc imprints in our brain that still runs on a tape loop from time to time distorting our lives. This is just an excellent clear site for healing. Thank you so much.🙂

    Like

  14. Please note, that there are girls that do this to vulnerable boys. I can replace him with her in this article and it’s dead on balls accurate.

    It’s just as excruciating and permanently damaging when a girl does it to a boy.

    I don’t think I will ever be capable of an intimate relationship again after a ten year on/off nightmare with an N.

    Just saying.

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  15. Thank you thank you thank you. For your sharing and factual insight. I feel like there’s hope again and also support. God bless.

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  16. The invalidation is the worst part. I’m a male who has been subjected to this for 4 years or so. I was a confident, secure individual – now I doubt myself over the smallest things and my confidence is non existent. I’m constantly angry and confused. I’ve spent a long time blaming myself for the problems in the relationship, I’ve constantly been told it is all my fault. I’ve spent years trying to change and do things “right” only for the goal posts to be moved again. I thought I was going crazy. I found the answer while I was searching for an answer to what was wrong with me – it’s taken some months to realise that the answer is that there is a problem with my ex partner. It’s a struggle but I’m coming through with the help & support of friends who I had stopped contacting because of my partner. I now realise that my friends were aware that there was a problem but in their words “you would only blame yourself so we’ve waited to help pick you up when you could see it”. Reading the information and comments on this site have helped me realise that I’m not alone and life does get better. Thank you to all who have contributed, it helps me to see that I too can come through this.

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    • Wouldn’t you know, those are the very first words I was able to articulate as well, “What is wrong with me????” Its harrowing, Paul. Im so sorry that you’ve had to experience this. I would like to say, I’ve got an immediate ‘cure’ for these realizations, but I don’t. What I do have is a long journey of personal recovery that I can show you has helped 45,000 of my closest friends.

      I believe that support from other survivors, helps us make sense of things. Along with knowledge about this disorder, how text book it is, really helps us begin to draw boundaries between a disordered person and ourselves so that we don’t try to spin our wheels solving things that are not ours to solve, and never were.

      These parasitic humans, spread damage to their hosts like a wildfire. It rips through our fabric and spirit taking everything near and dear to us without one thought or concern for the destruction.

      Validation is key, with the support of other survivors, your experience of baffling confusion will begin to make sense in light of the fact that we all went through the very same methods of abuse. After some time has passed, you will begin to validate your own perceptions of events and use that knowledge to arm yourself for any of their kind in the future.

      Keep persevering, fight the good fight, and soldier on, with all your dignity and emotions IN TACT.

      You did NOT deserve this and it most certainly was NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

      Liked by 2 people

  17. Well, it is hard to leave a narcissit. The divorce is over but the destroying my life partseems to be now. She left me with several diagnosis that led to supervised visits and two failed custody evals. I have three months to show the courts that I can at least be a competent enough father for at least unsupervised day visits. But, I can’t hope but to think of the worst. Seeing my therapist soon. She is the only one that thinks that I am misdiagnosed. My ex is an LMFT and seems to have everybody on her side. Sometimes I feel people understand what she is, but I’m not sure. I’ve healed a lot but when I see her to drop off the kids, it wants to come back. I’m even preparing for the worst. But, even at the very worst outcome, I’ll never have to see her again.

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  18. Like a struck of fate, I was led to this site. I have been fighting the urge to make contact with my ex (who also happens to be the father of my 2 kids)…it has been 2 days since our last “talk,” when he accused me of flirting with his friend and calling me a slut and all the nasty names you can think of. I ended it but since he hasn’t contacted me since then I have a yearning to call/go to him just to feel that he still acknowledges my existence and the pain he’s causing. But this post has opened my eyes…I hope it instills in my brain so I won’t act on my moments of weakness…I feel so stupid and pathetic but so glad to know that I’m not alone.

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  19. after my discard id call mine and he’d answer the phone pretending he couldnt hear me. He’d say ‘hello?? hello??’ into the phone and then hang up, id text and he wouldnt reply, id email and he wouldnt reply.
    During the relationship even id have moments of feeling utterly invisible and ignored, even lonely, and id be sitting right next to him

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  20. Why do people say the N is not capable of long term relationships? My ex N has been with his wife for 19 years. We were together nearly 5 of those years (Don’t judge me. By the time I knew he was married I was all in. Then, of course, he began telling me the bad things about her). Now that I know better, that she is a decent woman, someone I could have been friends with, my heart goes out to

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    • …my heart goes out to her. I saw where she once referred to him as her “best friend and partner.” Is he able to turn off the narcissism at home. Doesn’t she have an inkling after 19 years who, or should I say what, she married? I feel like I want to tell her…protect her somehow. But, I doubt that would go over well. I just pray for her and their 3 boys.

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    • I wont judge you Diane. I had the same situation with the narcissist that abused me. The wives stay this long for the same reason we did. The narcissist ropes (manipulates) people in with the things they do to compensate for the lack of genuine love. Maybe it’s the money or financial stability. Who knows? What’s important is that we SAVED ourselves. I told the wife of my x-narc. Nothing matters. He told her I was a crazy stalker. She probably believed him like everyone else.

      Because they hold their sham marriages together with whatever lies they need to tell to someone who’s obviously codependant (staying with a narc a long time is evidence of such) – does NOT make this union a healthy one.

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      • co dependence is the reason why we were targeted by a Narc. I found out My husband would share his story of abuse with women who had this characteristic. The sick thing is he would offer compassion and understanding at first, but then instill the exact same abuse her parents perpetrated on her. I did meet with some of my late husbands girlfriends and he abused all of us in a slightly different way. The covert narc was so skilled at deception, most did not even realize they were being abused.

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    • It is sad how many women, and men, get involved with married narcs. just because a relationship lasts a long time does not indicate anything. I’m sure for 5 years you were one of many. When his wife found out he probably called you a worthless whore, and a sex object. All married narcs. do this. his wife was probably just a pawn in his game.

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  21. Thanks for this article… it is really difficult to recognize these uncanny characteristics at first but once I put it together… it so explained the many detached and conflicting reactions I realized the narc that I knew would do… indeed, initially they are too good to be true…you would think you mean the world to them…but then you realize in the end… it was really all about them… they will not be able and are not capable to sustain a long term relationship with someone else… because they are so in love with themselves…

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  22. Good for you….your dignity comes before any woman who treats you like, no matter how hot she is. Stay strong.

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  23. Fellow Survivor

    Long story short. My now ex N wife kicked me in the nuts when I disengaged from the raging attack and then she threatened to call the cops on ME. The next weekend we were getting frisky when I told her we need to talk about that fight, and she is like “what fight?” I am like, “the one last week where you escalated the abuse up to physical abuse by kicking me in the nuts” I could not be intimate with her until she admitted that she kicked me, told me she was sorry, and promised it would never happen again. The next week she is out with her girlfriends getting drunk, comes home demanding sex. I told her I would love to but she needs to say she is sorry. She told me there were 5 guys at the party that would love to have sex with her. I just looked at her like she was crazy. She works very hard to make her body tight and firm through Yoga, 7 days a week. All I ever had to do to keep her happy was tell her how hot she was, and she is. Anyway, I could never be intimate with her again until she apologized. She could never apologize so she divorced me. Believe me after 10 years of the crazy making I just had had enough.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I realise this is a very old thread and you might not even read this, BUT…I’m wondering what part you played in her getting to that stage of rage though? I mean, I had a similar incident recently on new years day with the guy I was seeing…(who threatened to chop me into little pieces btw on xmas eve a few days earlier). He would say exactly what you said here…that I attacked him and threatened to call the cops. I raged at him after he woke me out of a deep sleep when I asked him civilly to let me sleep please. After the 4th time I lost it and yelled at him to get out of my place…when he wouldn’t stop talking at me and wouldn’t leave I threatened to call the cops in a fit of confusion and pissed offness from being woken up and disrespected. People don’t just attack someone for no good reason. He’s been the one fucking with my head and then playing the victim…which is classic narc behaviour. He’d say I was the narc though.

      Liked by 1 person

  24. Thank you. This made me cry. How many times have I heard him say he doesnt have to put up with anything I say or do, he can just walk away. I mean nothing to him. Until I start to go on with my life and he gives me just enough encouragement to start over again. He mows my lawn, he does my laundry, or brings me lunch.

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  25. I too appreciate this article. Although my case was a little different. I was the one who ended the relationship due to his constant lying, never defending me to his crazy family, & inability to detach from his “friend” neighbor (who was a female & ex gf that was still in love with him but willing to accept whatever crumbs he through her). Despite all of this, I tried to end it on a nice note and wanted to remain friendly so if we passed on the street we could wave or say hello. At first he was a crazy stalker and begging me to take him back with all of the normal empty promises of the life we could have together etc.. then (and now for the last year & half) he’s turned it around on me with the “silent treatment.” He will run the other way if he sees me on the street, wont wave, wont email me back etc.. I emailed him venting about everything he did and asked for some closure, no response whatsoever. As strange as it sounds, now “I” feel like I’ve been rejected!?! He’s friends with all of his other “ex’s” why not me? I just don’t get it?? His life seems to have just went on without a scratch. And his posts on facebook talk about what a great guy he is, how he has so much love and respect for women and children, etc.. and everyone believes it! It’s so frustrating!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Angel,
      His exes have been conditioned into accepting his crumbs and being nice to him without question even Whilst watching him move on. That’s plain cruel, would you really want to be demoted to that position? You’re worth so much more than that, Remember who you were before him.
      I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but him staying away from you is best for your recovery. I hope you find the strength to heal.
      Ariel

      Liked by 1 person

  26. Finally! Someone talks about invalidation! There isn’t much out there about the complete rejection of a narc. It was so much more than the silent treatment. I wasn’t even relevant or worth acknowledging. If we would go to lunch, he wouldn’t even speak to me. It was so humiliating and degrading. Now I have been discarded for another female and I really don’t exist! Amazing how these people do that. We are not even divorced and to him, it’s like that is not a reality to deal with either. I feel like I’m in middle school and we broke up. But, hey, we’re in our 50’s for goodness sake! And I’m sure I won’t get any closure, a goodbye, handshake, a hug? No. Dismissed. Ana, what have you to say about narcs who are sick all the time? Mine was constantly ill. Major big stuff. 5 years. Let me know!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Narcs DEFINITELY focus on their ailments with an obsessive quality. I would imagine with all that thinking about illness & their chaotic lifestyles, that illnesses probably visit them more than normal thinking people. They definitely play up small illnesses and turn them into them dying of malaria or cancer. They love the attention that being sick gets them. Just another form of supply. Their partners on the other hand, are shunned when sick & told not to exaggerate (projection).

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      • Omg..thats me.

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      • I came to this site wondering if I am the narc, did i require so much attention and support, was i so needy, and do i just want him back so much because of the attention he gave? My story is that after a year of dating and being in our mid to late 30s, AND having been raise din the same town by families who are deep friends (my aunt raised him because his mother drank heavily), we decided to get married. he pushed me to bok the venue, we began announcements…he left a week later because when i brought an interest in deepening our sexual intimacy to the table, he interpreted it s my not being happy and being needy. wedding called off, ring taken back. i begged him, and took him back. it was rocky, but he kept talking about how once his business (mortgage broker) was off the ground (in my town, with my funding, but he lived here with me and we visited our home town/ his house), he would provide, be better, be happier. three months later he is telling me, “lets have a child” and we are pregnant a month later. again, i throw his birthday and make the big announcement to our whole family…and five days later he is out the door because i wasnt immediately on board with his plan to live in his home in a different state, where there is no sense of community, an alcoholic family, and i have no friends (versus in my town where there is health, community and friend circles that welcomed him). he accused me of caring more about my friends than my family, used that as a smokescreen, and while i was 9 months pregnant, he went back to that town and took everything he owned from my home, except the cards my family gave him for his birthday. he wouldnt talk to me in person or by phone, wouldnt respond to my texts other than to tell me to grow up and “be a big girl” and that we could co parent, because he had gotten his own plce in my town. so painful. i lost the baby, the whole situation was sickening, i couldnt believe how alone he left me…and my texts escalated in their meanness as i sought any attention from him, and communication at all. he uses those texts to convince others of how crazy i am. presently he still will not talk with me or return texts, and his business is doing great! hes on to the next thing. ive been loving and compassionate, trying for his heart and compassion- but its a brick wall. his last fiancee and he ended badly too- but he refused to ever talk about her. when i asked what he loved about her, he said “she was hot and she smoked.” when asked what he loved about me (because there was no conversation, verbally or otherwise, he never had an answer. but i crave and miss so much his attention, connection- and the little crumbs, infrequently that they came, of authenticity. i feel he just stomached me all along. the grief is insane.

        Liked by 1 person

  27. Cherie Safapou

    Natzis Marin family court give our children to rapiest child abusers fugitives criminals like themselves!!! Mayday !!

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  28. Thank you, I found post this very illuminating. Often my N would refrain from replying, responding, saying anything. When I would pose a question asking for clarification or comment, she would simply decline to weigh in at all. Both in person and on the phone or via text. This helps me to give a name to what was going on.

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  29. WOW, just WOW!!! This really describes a relationship I had been in SPOT ON!! It hurts, but at least now I can see & understand his reactions or should I say lack of. Unfortunately I had a child with this person & he’s never had any interest in his child & my sweet kid is almost 5 years old. Sad very sad, but at least I know understand it was not all me.

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  30. Great post!

    It’s true we prefer anger to silence because at least it shows a hint of passion towards the fake relationship. It can be mistaken for the narc caring but in reality, you’re right, he can’t stand the real-life woman with feelings and opinions, so he is no longer interested.

    Thank you for sharing!

    Ariel

    Like

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