Low Risk vs High Risk Relationship Checklist

 

 

Low-Risk Signs High-Risk Signs
1 – You are attracted to him but you still maintain your own sense of self.  You share the spotlight, with mutual give and take. You are more concerned with enjoying the present moment than banking on the future rewards and happiness. You are aware of his human side and you decide to wait before making commitments. For now he is “Mr. Maybe.” 1 – He is able to cast an almost irresistible hypnotic spell which draws you toward him. You are fascinated with his charm and you love to listen to him. He quickly wants to include you in his grandiose plans and future successes. You are excited that you have finally met “Mr. Right,” since you can’t see any obvious personal flaws.
2 – This person is open and honest about his childhood and appears to have attached to a consistent loving caretaker(s) despite early childhood traumas or separations. He has resolved most of his childhood problems and can act mature and responsible. He is willing to seek counseling if needed. 2 – You can’t seem to find many specific details about his troubled childhood. He was possibly abused or neglected. He has unresolved bonding breaks: a lengthy illness of himself or a primary caretaker; or a conflicted family; a divorce, or a delayed adoption. He has unresolved childhood problems, and is frequently childish and immature.
3 – He has a good relationship with his parents – open, loving, communicative, appropriately responsible, consistent. 3 – His primary family relationships are marked by conflict and distance.  Or they seem to swing between cloying sweetness and war. These relationships may still control his life.
4 – He can both give and receive orders and is able to get along with fair bosses or teachers. Any problems with the law have been transitory and not habitual. 4 – He seems to have serious difficulty with authority figures such as bosses or law-enforcement officials. He may have had habitual run-ins with the law as a juvenile and as an adult which he may boast about. His work history is murky.
5 – He can make a friendship that lasts through thick and thin, and is willing to introduce you to his friends. His previous relationships were not all fly-by-night or of short duration. 5 – When you go out with him it’s either by yourselves or with his “new acquaintances” since he doesn’t seem to have friends who go way back. People he introduces you to early in the relationship seem to disappear later on. His past loves have not been long-lasting relationships.
6 – He displays a quiet sense of self-assurance and usually doesn’t lay “power trips” on others. He can express some humility when appropriate and likes to listen to your concerns. 6 – He appears powerful and super self-confident, almost to an exaggerated point. He definitely likes to control others through words (conning), money, or physical strength. He is egotistical and self-centered. He is either moody and quiet or very talkative.
7 – His life patterns seem stable and well-organized and you can usually reach him when needed. 7 – He comes and goes and you don’t really know where or with whom.
8 – He confronts issues openly and honestly with you and is willing to own up to his share of blame when things go wrong. He can feel your pain. 8 – You have mixed feelings about trusting him, and at times he seems sneaky. You think that he lies but he’s hard to pin down, and he won’t accept blame or express remorse when it is clearly his fault. He can sympathize but not empathize.
9 – You feel comfortable with him sexually because it’s not a constant high-pressure sales tactic. Your partner is able to balance strength with gentleness and is concerned with meeting your needs as well as his own. He can commit to one partner and doesn’t use sex as a manipulative tool. 9 – You notice that he approaches sex in an aggressive, forward way. He usually has a voracious sexual appetite, especially at first, and you sense that he has been extremely promiscuous. He acts interested in you but he is primarily interested in seeking his own pleasure rather than sharing sensitively with his partner. He may become rough and interested in sado-masochistic practices. (Note: females are extremely seductive, flirtatious, and manipulative with their sexuality.)
10 – He can be spontaneous and exciting but he’s also stable. You note that his previous work history has added some continuity, purpose, and meaning to his life. His personal goals seem realistic and achievable and he is self-confident enough to take well-thought-out calculated risks. 10 – He seems impulsive and unsettled and rarely carries through on projects, saying he is now moving on to “bigger fish.” He is always looking for more stimulation and excitement and takes unbelievable chances. His job history and education are usually scattered and unfinished, although he says that’s his choice.
11 – One of the things that impresses you is his ability to share and exhibit more genuine kindness to others than they actually may deserve. He can display caring without having to get something back because it makes him feel good. 11 – You realize that he is manipulative, controlling and conning toward others and rarely displays kindness unless it’s for direct personal gain. He may be kind to a cute waitress or sales client but is abusive and cold to a male waiter or a clerk. He is shallow and superficial.
12 – Finances are balanced with other concerns. He is fair and reasonable about money matters and willing to be generous at times without making a big deal about it. He tries to pull his own weight with chores, and doesn’t want to borrow money he can’t legitimately pay back. He shares his material items and respects your individuality. 12 – He appears closer to money than anything else. He is either tightly controlling and stingy with material items, letting you know how much everything costs, or he is parasitic in wanting to live off your labor. Be especially careful if he want to borrow or invest large sums of your money. He believe that he owns you and is extremely possessive and jealous.
13 – Although he may not be a teetotaler, he doesn’t abuse himself with drugs. He doesn’t need drugs to escape or to be able to relate intimately with you. His temper is controllable and not abusive. He can argue without resorting to threats or violence. 13 – Be careful if he regularly consumes any drug, including alcohol, even if he tells you it’s recreational and he can take it or leave it. Addictions are easy to cover at first so beware of mood changes. Be especially aware if he has a short fuse and displays indications of violent behavior.
14 – He may or may not belong to a church but he has a deep appreciation and reverence for the spiritual side of life. He is sustained by his faith in love and goodness. His sense of humor may be offbeat, but it isn’t cruel. 14 – He may profess a religion but his actions indicate that he secretly delights in aligning with evil and the dark side of life. You sense that he has a cruel nature inside because he smiles at people’s misfortune and pain.
15 – You love him because he demonstrates in words and deeds that he can be trusting and loving. You like yourself enough to associate only with someone who can enhance the quality of your life and gradually, but realistically, grow into “Mr. Right.” 15 – Finally, he is so believable and charming that despite many obvious high-risk symptoms you think that the problems between you are as much your fault as his and you just have to “love him” more to make a difference, even though deep inside you know he is Mr. Wrong.
  1. And that’s the bitch of it… isn’t it? Oftentimes it’s not really clear they’re NPD as they either have some emotions or fake them so well.
    Where does your “someone” fall on the NPD scale? Does it really matter? You’re there hurting wondering if your investment in time and emotions is a total loss or can it be turned around and the mindfuckery is overwhelming your emotions clouding your judgement but that constant hurt is there. You’re living a hurt existence. Yeah, there seem to be good times and moments but your emotionally starved, lonely and your “someone” seems to be physically there but emotionally somewhere else. Ughhh. 😦

    Like

  2. Oh my goodness this is right on noooooo😢Ive been feeling like im going crazy and this is all a nightmare and im just not making sense 😢

    Like

  3. I read in a book written by a FBI Profiler for 25 years about my abuser, demon, NAD. It is advised for me to alert the police department in his city, only to make them AWARE. Not as revenge. This horrible demon is living in his brothers basement & is manipulating & controlling him through FEAR. HE GETS AWAY WITHOUT PAYING RENT OR ANYTHING. He knows his brother is tender hearted and won’t take his words seriously if he thre threatens to kick him out. His brother is SO OPPOSITE, TO THE EXTREME! He told me that I wouldn’t believe the things my abuser had and has done to him! I said the same thing about myself! I truly FEAR for his brother. As many know, NPD or predators, can and will act out violently if provoked enough. It’s because t he have a streak of RAGE, NOT ANGER, RAGE-this IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT! When in a rage, it’s comparable to that huge adrenaline/extraordinary STRENGTHS like when the body kicks in to the ‘Flight or Fight Mode” A man can lift a car all by himself, I read, because his child was underneath it & was going to die if he didn’t lift up the car. He had POWERFUL HUGE STRENTH IN THAT FIGHT MODE. RAGE- The abuser will gain the same bodily strength to attack someone and without any weapons, can ans will kill the person with their body strength, hands AT THAT MOMENT. THIS HAS ALREADY HAPPENED, HIS BROTHER TOLD ME. I don’t know for sure what made him act out of rage, but his brother told me he charged at him & it scared him SO BAD, he backed up really fast. His brother told me that his demonic brother did this and almost killed him. This demon KNOWS this full well. He’s already a big guy. This is probably the most important reason to alert the police. This demon use to be a cop and on the strike force. Many will still know him and most hate him. So, hopefully they take me seriously. I will call with a unknown caller method. ANY THOUGHTS about this? IDEAS? BELIEFS?

    Like

  4. I’ve just put all the pieces of the puzzle together after almost 18 years of being with my narc. We’re married and own a home but thankfully no children. I’m only 2 weeks into our first separation (long term affair right under my nose which I remained in denial for years since I always suspected it). I moved to my parents house. His twin brother is staying with him and he is drinking heavily. I know he has a sex addiction. He was raised by a narc mother.
    I’ve just started the process of self discovery to learn who I am and how I endured the abuse for so long. I’m definitely a co dependent love addict and empath.
    But even as I start the journey, I am still obsessed with him and trying to learn if my love can still save him? I think he shows signs on both lists and I’ve seen him vulnerable in the past if only a few times. Everything I’ve read has told me to run run run.
    Is there truly no hope for the narcs? I believe he recognizes that he is one and that must be the first sign.
    I know my catching him the affair has disrupted his happy fake life with the whore. He is so angry that I caught hm and his fantasy life is over (or so I think at this time).
    I guess what I’m trying to say is if he expressed that he wants professional help to become a better man, shouldn’t I at least give him that chance? I know the betrayal and deceit will mean starting all over to build trust. I know he feels empathy for animals. Why can’t he see I’m the abused bloody and love staved puppy in the corner but the puppy that keeps loving him. Does anyone have experience with real change? If he’s willing to gothrough the pain of digging down deep to when he was a neglected child and to learn empathy, isn’t there any hopd or redemption for us?

    Like

    • I’m sorry to tell you that I don’t believe there is much hope for change. If they are not completely narcissistic they may show some insight at times. But the change would take a long time …it’s a long road…if it happens at all. I would not want you to devote another maybe four years to this hope. Four years when you could be recovering and experiencing a truer healthy love with friends and others. Remember the person important here is you and not him. That is what we forget, always. The other thing is that change can happen best when away from the partner…it provides that life jolt and wake up call. The best thing for you is to make yourself safe and healthy, tell him the stuff you think, and see what he does. If he improves then great. If not,you have not wasted more time energy love and physical and mental health . It is so hard. But think about it and see how that feels for you what i’ve said. Think about what you would advise your best friend if she came to you with this dilemma.thats how you need to treat your self.

      Like

    • The problems you’ve got here are many and overwhelming. I understand. He’s lied to you and cheated on you. You know this. It’s actually a blessing. You’ve seen behind the mask!
      Now, why would I say such a thing is a blessing? That’s horrible!!! Ok… there are tons of folks just like you out there having a sense of intuition and uncertainty in their relationship. They are not getting what they need and want or getting scraps tossed them here and there to keep them off balance. Most of these folks are mind bucked hard cause they don’t listen to their intuition and their suspicions. Most of them fail to uncover their partners “real” and go on in pain, hurting in love, not feeling good enough, always bending, accommodating, empathize gentlemen etc…. and this isn’t so crazy cause they want to believe they haven’t been mass duped or they can’t believe it cause it’s too much to handle their whole world would fall apart if? It’s a situation of confusion reigning supreme cause they’ve been deluded and manipulated, gaslighted and demoralized, their feelings and concerns dismissed if they dare “openly and honestly express themselves in a real and true desire to improve the relationship which they know isn’t a healthy one because??? Because love is equaling hurt. Love is not supposed to equal hurt. So we are out here, tangled up individuals lost in our confusion, losing ourselves and our self worths one day at a time. Their words are not reflected by their behaviors. That is a devil to content with emotionally. So have I lost you or what? How already is this situation of yours a blessing??? Like? You know exactly what you’re dealing with. You know he cheated and betrayed your trust!!!!!! Emphasis intended. YOU ARE OFFICIALLY ! Out ! OF THE FOG girlfriend! So many of us wish we knew “your truth”. Of course your truth is devastating to you and even for me as an empath to hear about… but god!! You have truth and it’s right there for you to chew on. How do you like the flavor? UuCK…. Well? Suck it up and get used to it if you’re even considering carrying on in “this situation”. Notice I didn’t refer to it as ” This Relationship”! Cause it’s obviously not a relationship if your supposed loving partner is willing to deceive and cheat you. It’s common knowledge once they stray they will again. You at least have the truth! The problem for many, myself included is that I don’t have the truth. Now that’s a real problem. Now you’re playing all sorts of mind dashfruckery on your own self and every time your rancors are raised and you feel you have enough evidence they positively refute whatever you have and play the victim and wait for it, this most recently happened to me… they offer no sympathy or empathy for your feelings, even if you have, and you will, state your case ever so clearly how their actions didn’t match their words and how their explanations simply don’t add up for even the casually critical mind and they will completely turn it around on you, make you to blame for daring to express your feelings and your hurt which is of course completely ridiculous all your observations are completely without merit and ~ YOU’RE CRAZY ~ and they’ll even elude to the fact that “they can’t take it anymore” and that they are a good person (alignment of planets screams to your intuition otherwise but don’t you go listening to your common sense now…LOL) and they would never do anything like that and you have to trust them and (at this point the oscar award is at stake and your significant someone[who is this really behind this mask?] now the tears are pouring down and they’re feigning such a great deal of personal pain (you know? Why? I’m the one who openly and honestly expressed hurt feelings here so why is my “someone?” not feeling my hurt, my concerns and since I explained so clearly why I am concerned which is clearly rational and pretty much any loving partner faced with this collision of ambiguity(partners claims vs their actions huh???) surely they would apologize right and say that “Wow, I see why you’re feeling “insecure” in this relationship due to my actions, which were misperceived because I do love you and cherish you and that is my most important and I’m sorry (~ NEVER HEAR IT AND IF YOU DO ITS REGARDING SOMETHING IRRELEVANT AND INSIGNIFICANT JUST A PLAY AND DISTRACTION BELIEVE IT~) you went through that and based on your clear explanation of things you observed and things I said it’s very reasonable that you would feel that way! I’m so sorry, I know it looked bad but it was not, it really is/was a misunderstanding and I feel terrible about this”. But no, it’s turned around on you and you’re the one at fault and your partners crying profusely in terrible pain apparently (huh?) and they’re talking in a foreign voice you’ve never heard before it’s pretty much evil (is this officailly the devil within?) and your mindfuckeried to the moon and beyond! You now want closeness and to feel understood but you don’t get that or its hollow. She doesn’t want to make love, too upset and too tired! So at least you’ve talked this out. You’re feeling a bit better for having faced your fears and having stood up for yourself!!! Next morning what? Well??? Next morning you feel like shit. What is this!??? Why do I feel so terrible? Well, your “someone” completely gaslighted you. Pulled off an oscar worthy act to emotionally confuse and actually terrify you. And now…what thefuruck is this? You’re actually feeling guilty and like you’re a terrible person for expressing real feelings and concerns in your relationship and you’re on a total guilt trip and as you piece it all together the explanations offered to your legitimate observations(words vs actions pay attention there it is!!!) we’re explained away with ridiculous rationalizations, excuses that made no sense, when questioned harder your “someone” even lies fluidly in motion trying to……. to well……. talk a banana straight as the saying goes!
      And there you are in your private hell. Youve also done yourself the grave disfavor of educating your someone that you are actually paying attention and they will go deeper out of sight more careful even still but ~ you ~ will live with the uncertainty that follows and will find yourself permanently off balance not knowing what to believe!!! Was she honest with me? Am I actually crazy? Am I just needy! ?? Well sure as fuck you are needy. Your needing an honest happy fulfilling positive encouraging mutually supportive relationship with… wait for it people….. with an empathetic loving human being! There it is! And there it ain’t!!! This is an imposter.
      Sorry for the rant but I really wish I had “truth” and I’m not alone how many loving considerate partners get dragged through the perverbial mud by these shitbags wearing masks while mascarading. The two biggest signs for me are lack of empathy and ITS ALWAYS ALL ABOUT THEM and you’ll see it in an argument(any discussion is referred to by them as an argument because you’re daring to establish boundaries and not just be a rug to be emotionally stomped on) where they immediately turn your legitimate concerns around on you and make themselves the victim… it’s consistent and truly crazymaking and you’ll so readily, stuck there lost in the FOG blame yourself you must be a terrible person for having doubted your “someone”(who?) and off you go on your tailor made guilt trip hating your own (fine >>> Yes you are a fine compassionate person and that’s why your being and we’re chosen to be abused and trampled on believe it before you hurt yourself more blaming yourself for frankly acknowledging your “someone’s” WTF behavior. Are you at fault? Maybe for sure it takes two but look carefully and there it is again, you’re always considering and considerate of your “someone”(partner in your buggered mind?) and they are thinking of? Always of themselves pretty much without fail and there’s always an agenda. Always. They’re being nice to you, you get some emotional intimacy and affection and it’s like pure bliss you’re so fucking desperate for some humanity and then it comes out literally within the hour to the minute they need something and there it is again you got manipulated to put you in an agreeable mood so you’ll say yes to their wants and yet in general it’s like you’re dealing with an iceberg, so emotionally unavailable are they….
      So I’m sorry OP. My very long winded point here is that you really are blessed to know the truth. Now that said, you don’t actually know the truth at all and don’t go thinking that you DO. What you’ve uncovered is but a glimmer of “The truth” and somebody shoot me if I’m wrong. You caught him with his hand in the cookies and I’d go out on a fragile limb over an escarpment if there isn’t “Volumes More” that you don’t know. Be and feel blessed that you’ve had a glimpse and hold it tightly! Don’t you go making excuses and justifying. You Will Be hurting You by doing so. These are creatures not to be understood but to be feared. We’re defenseless against them. Their power over us is that we can not conceive of how they “operate”. Bless you for your truth. I do know it hurts like hell but do not let it go be banana talked away and you’ll end up hating and having zero respect for yourself, unloved and further trashed. A person shows you who they are through their actions not their words. Class is in session >>>>>> PAY ATTENTION!
      Btw.. I have nothing but love and well wishes for you. There are so many of us out here lost in the FOG and having concrete evidence would make all the difference in our abilities to deal. I sometimes think mine deliberately hurts me and enjoys it for some reason? Certainly compassionate and empathetic human beings will struggle with these “creatures”. We are completely unable to grasp not only their actions but their reality. It takes two for sure so we too might share blame but if you’re doing the trying and your partners not then things aren’t reciprocatory and you my friend have a problem and it’s gonna be a bumpy ride possibly ending in disaster.

      Like

  5. I’m dealing with a breakup with my Narcissist boyfriend of 4 years. It’s been almost a week, and at times, the pain has been unbearable. But it is SCARY— every single one of these “high risk” warning sign describes him TO A TEE (except the one about being an addict…he doesn’t drink or do drugs). Wow!!! When I say to a tee, I mean literally, every single thing is like you’re talking about him!!

    Like

    • I just broke up with someone after 2 years and same here everyone to a “T” including the alcohol – I didn’t see cheating on there, but that was the final straw for me, he swore he was faithful and “good” man – uh, not so much stayed on several dating sites while we were “together”, i found emails to meet woman while we were supposedly a couple and he repeatedly told me i was the “one”…I would add to this list a big red flag if you are starting to date in your 50’s or even 40’s – If a man is that age and has never been married RUN—–this is the second narc relationship I was in and both were never married first one was in his late 40’s and that was awful as I stayed in it for 7 years (had no idea he he was a narc, because I didn’t know what that was), this one 52 and never married – luckily I found this site to open my eyes. The men who have never been married always use the same line “I just haven’t found anyone” ….”i’ve been waiting for you”….right. I wish I saw this list 2 years ago, I though he was a “player” which is bad enough, and I try to end it after a 2nd date but he hunted me like an animal got in my head and yes played me.

      Like

  6. Though I still sometimes have moments of pain from my years being very committed and madly in love with a true Narcissist; I have found true love again with someone who has so far proven NOT to be the abuser I felt I couldn’t recognize easily before.
    Seeing this list has confirmed many things I already knew. Some of it I already knew and was in complete denial of; the rest I feel I didn’t TRULY KNOW or really got until I saw the signs of Low-Risk and High-Risk, side by side.
    The Narcissist in my life, whom is no longer in my life, has (with the responsibility of allowing him on me) caused me unspeakable pain and heartbreak. He continued manipulating me after our breakup, which made my life feel even more heinous. He fit EVERY SINGLE DESCRIPTION on the red flag list.
    I am saying ALL of this because after seeing the personality traits of a person I was so completely, utterly in love with and committed to on ‘High-Risk Red Flag’ list, I had to surrender that I had been both a victim and a perpetrator, against myself….I had permitted endless incidents, behaviors, patterns, “traditions”, all while at the time totally believing this was normal, it was “love”, that things would improve when we had more money or better circumstances. As soon as circumstances changed, I was left because I literally had nothing more to give….What I’m saying is Leave Your Narcissist if what you see on ^^^the above list^^^ fits your partner. Don’t suffer, even after they have moved on, hoping for another chance with a person who is less than you deserve! I wish I had truly HEARD and RECEIVED this type of message years before.
    But if you’re like me, more of a slow learner, and you’re deep within the pain I am grateful to say I am moving out of, please know if changes. Don’t do anything reckless, stupid, or that will cause you more pain and/or trouble. The Narcissist does not deserve to be the cause of any further great emotions or events in your life. I was lucky and smart in that I did not have a child with, or marry, the Narcissist in my life. There is hope no matter what decisions you’ve made, though, know that. But, if you have not taken a giant life step with the Narcissist in your life, DON’T…
    I am releasing all of this to anyone who wants to read and hear it because it comes from love, heartbreak, experience, and knowledge.
    I have been there. I am almost out of it.
    I know I am changing my bad patterns when I read this list and see the man I am currently dating and in love with on the ‘Low-Risk’ list, and the Narcissist no longer in my life over there on the ‘High-Risk’, and realizing how MUCH I NOW KNOW!!

    Like

  7. This is exactly what I needed to read right now. It hurts so much, and I know that on some things he falls in the middle and isn’t all the way to the worst, but I need this to remember that he can never be good for me. And that I need to be able to stay open to the good, and recognize it when it comes, and not let him make me shut down to everything else because I am trying to reject him from my life. That I DO deserve to be treated like a valuable being, and that such treatment will not come from him, ever. His scales are tilted too far and it’s not my responsibility to right them. Only to keep myself balanced.

    Liked by 1 person

Thoughts or Feelings you'd like to share?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: