Low Risk vs High Risk Relationship Checklist



Low-Risk Signs High-Risk Signs
1 – You are attracted to him but you still maintain your own sense of self.  You share the spotlight, with mutual give and take. You are more concerned with enjoying the present moment than banking on the future rewards and happiness. You are aware of his human side and you decide to wait before making commitments. For now he is “Mr. Maybe.” 1 – He is able to cast an almost irresistible hypnotic spell which draws you toward him. You are fascinated with his charm and you love to listen to him. He quickly wants to include you in his grandiose plans and future successes. You are excited that you have finally met “Mr. Right,” since you can’t see any obvious personal flaws.
2 – This person is open and honest about his childhood and appears to have attached to a consistent loving caretaker(s) despite early childhood traumas or separations. He has resolved most of his childhood problems and can act mature and responsible. He is willing to seek counseling if needed. 2 – You can’t seem to find many specific details about his troubled childhood. He was possibly abused or neglected. He has unresolved bonding breaks: a lengthy illness of himself or a primary caretaker; or a conflicted family; a divorce, or a delayed adoption. He has unresolved childhood problems, and is frequently childish and immature.
3 – He has a good relationship with his parents – open, loving, communicative, appropriately responsible, consistent. 3 – His primary family relationships are marked by conflict and distance.  Or they seem to swing between cloying sweetness and war. These relationships may still control his life.
4 – He can both give and receive orders and is able to get along with fair bosses or teachers. Any problems with the law have been transitory and not habitual. 4 – He seems to have serious difficulty with authority figures such as bosses or law-enforcement officials. He may have had habitual run-ins with the law as a juvenile and as an adult which he may boast about. His work history is murky.
5 – He can make a friendship that lasts through thick and thin, and is willing to introduce you to his friends. His previous relationships were not all fly-by-night or of short duration. 5 – When you go out with him it’s either by yourselves or with his “new acquaintances” since he doesn’t seem to have friends who go way back. People he introduces you to early in the relationship seem to disappear later on. His past loves have not been long-lasting relationships.
6 – He displays a quiet sense of self-assurance and usually doesn’t lay “power trips” on others. He can express some humility when appropriate and likes to listen to your concerns. 6 – He appears powerful and super self-confident, almost to an exaggerated point. He definitely likes to control others through words (conning), money, or physical strength. He is egotistical and self-centered. He is either moody and quiet or very talkative.
7 – His life patterns seem stable and well-organized and you can usually reach him when needed. 7 – He comes and goes and you don’t really know where or with whom.
8 – He confronts issues openly and honestly with you and is willing to own up to his share of blame when things go wrong. He can feel your pain. 8 – You have mixed feelings about trusting him, and at times he seems sneaky. You think that he lies but he’s hard to pin down, and he won’t accept blame or express remorse when it is clearly his fault. He can sympathize but not empathize.
9 – You feel comfortable with him sexually because it’s not a constant high-pressure sales tactic. Your partner is able to balance strength with gentleness and is concerned with meeting your needs as well as his own. He can commit to one partner and doesn’t use sex as a manipulative tool. 9 – You notice that he approaches sex in an aggressive, forward way. He usually has a voracious sexual appetite, especially at first, and you sense that he has been extremely promiscuous. He acts interested in you but he is primarily interested in seeking his own pleasure rather than sharing sensitively with his partner. He may become rough and interested in sado-masochistic practices. (Note: females are extremely seductive, flirtatious, and manipulative with their sexuality.)
10 – He can be spontaneous and exciting but he’s also stable. You note that his previous work history has added some continuity, purpose, and meaning to his life. His personal goals seem realistic and achievable and he is self-confident enough to take well-thought-out calculated risks. 10 – He seems impulsive and unsettled and rarely carries through on projects, saying he is now moving on to “bigger fish.” He is always looking for more stimulation and excitement and takes unbelievable chances. His job history and education are usually scattered and unfinished, although he says that’s his choice.
11 – One of the things that impresses you is his ability to share and exhibit more genuine kindness to others than they actually may deserve. He can display caring without having to get something back because it makes him feel good. 11 – You realize that he is manipulative, controlling and conning toward others and rarely displays kindness unless it’s for direct personal gain. He may be kind to a cute waitress or sales client but is abusive and cold to a male waiter or a clerk. He is shallow and superficial.
12 – Finances are balanced with other concerns. He is fair and reasonable about money matters and willing to be generous at times without making a big deal about it. He tries to pull his own weight with chores, and doesn’t want to borrow money he can’t legitimately pay back. He shares his material items and respects your individuality. 12 – He appears closer to money than anything else. He is either tightly controlling and stingy with material items, letting you know how much everything costs, or he is parasitic in wanting to live off your labor. Be especially careful if he want to borrow or invest large sums of your money. He believe that he owns you and is extremely possessive and jealous.
13 – Although he may not be a teetotaler, he doesn’t abuse himself with drugs. He doesn’t need drugs to escape or to be able to relate intimately with you. His temper is controllable and not abusive. He can argue without resorting to threats or violence. 13 – Be careful if he regularly consumes any drug, including alcohol, even if he tells you it’s recreational and he can take it or leave it. Addictions are easy to cover at first so beware of mood changes. Be especially aware if he has a short fuse and displays indications of violent behavior.
14 – He may or may not belong to a church but he has a deep appreciation and reverence for the spiritual side of life. He is sustained by his faith in love and goodness. His sense of humor may be offbeat, but it isn’t cruel. 14 – He may profess a religion but his actions indicate that he secretly delights in aligning with evil and the dark side of life. You sense that he has a cruel nature inside because he smiles at people’s misfortune and pain.
15 – You love him because he demonstrates in words and deeds that he can be trusting and loving. You like yourself enough to associate only with someone who can enhance the quality of your life and gradually, but realistically, grow into “Mr. Right.” 15 – Finally, he is so believable and charming that despite many obvious high-risk symptoms you think that the problems between you are as much your fault as his and you just have to “love him” more to make a difference, even though deep inside you know he is Mr. Wrong.
  1. I’ve just put all the pieces of the puzzle together after almost 18 years of being with my narc. We’re married and own a home but thankfully no children. I’m only 2 weeks into our first separation (long term affair right under my nose which I remained in denial for years since I always suspected it). I moved to my parents house. His twin brother is staying with him and he is drinking heavily. I know he has a sex addiction. He was raised by a narc mother.
    I’ve just started the process of self discovery to learn who I am and how I endured the abuse for so long. I’m definitely a co dependent love addict and empath.
    But even as I start the journey, I am still obsessed with him and trying to learn if my love can still save him? I think he shows signs on both lists and I’ve seen him vulnerable in the past if only a few times. Everything I’ve read has told me to run run run.
    Is there truly no hope for the narcs? I believe he recognizes that he is one and that must be the first sign.
    I know my catching him the affair has disrupted his happy fake life with the whore. He is so angry that I caught hm and his fantasy life is over (or so I think at this time).
    I guess what I’m trying to say is if he expressed that he wants professional help to become a better man, shouldn’t I at least give him that chance? I know the betrayal and deceit will mean starting all over to build trust. I know he feels empathy for animals. Why can’t he see I’m the abused bloody and love staved puppy in the corner but the puppy that keeps loving him. Does anyone have experience with real change? If he’s willing to gothrough the pain of digging down deep to when he was a neglected child and to learn empathy, isn’t there any hopd or redemption for us?


  2. I’m dealing with a breakup with my Narcissist boyfriend of 4 years. It’s been almost a week, and at times, the pain has been unbearable. But it is SCARY— every single one of these “high risk” warning sign describes him TO A TEE (except the one about being an addict…he doesn’t drink or do drugs). Wow!!! When I say to a tee, I mean literally, every single thing is like you’re talking about him!!


  3. Though I still sometimes have moments of pain from my years being very committed and madly in love with a true Narcissist; I have found true love again with someone who has so far proven NOT to be the abuser I felt I couldn’t recognize easily before.
    Seeing this list has confirmed many things I already knew. Some of it I already knew and was in complete denial of; the rest I feel I didn’t TRULY KNOW or really got until I saw the signs of Low-Risk and High-Risk, side by side.
    The Narcissist in my life, whom is no longer in my life, has (with the responsibility of allowing him on me) caused me unspeakable pain and heartbreak. He continued manipulating me after our breakup, which made my life feel even more heinous. He fit EVERY SINGLE DESCRIPTION on the red flag list.
    I am saying ALL of this because after seeing the personality traits of a person I was so completely, utterly in love with and committed to on ‘High-Risk Red Flag’ list, I had to surrender that I had been both a victim and a perpetrator, against myself….I had permitted endless incidents, behaviors, patterns, “traditions”, all while at the time totally believing this was normal, it was “love”, that things would improve when we had more money or better circumstances. As soon as circumstances changed, I was left because I literally had nothing more to give….What I’m saying is Leave Your Narcissist if what you see on ^^^the above list^^^ fits your partner. Don’t suffer, even after they have moved on, hoping for another chance with a person who is less than you deserve! I wish I had truly HEARD and RECEIVED this type of message years before.
    But if you’re like me, more of a slow learner, and you’re deep within the pain I am grateful to say I am moving out of, please know if changes. Don’t do anything reckless, stupid, or that will cause you more pain and/or trouble. The Narcissist does not deserve to be the cause of any further great emotions or events in your life. I was lucky and smart in that I did not have a child with, or marry, the Narcissist in my life. There is hope no matter what decisions you’ve made, though, know that. But, if you have not taken a giant life step with the Narcissist in your life, DON’T…
    I am releasing all of this to anyone who wants to read and hear it because it comes from love, heartbreak, experience, and knowledge.
    I have been there. I am almost out of it.
    I know I am changing my bad patterns when I read this list and see the man I am currently dating and in love with on the ‘Low-Risk’ list, and the Narcissist no longer in my life over there on the ‘High-Risk’, and realizing how MUCH I NOW KNOW!!


  4. This is exactly what I needed to read right now. It hurts so much, and I know that on some things he falls in the middle and isn’t all the way to the worst, but I need this to remember that he can never be good for me. And that I need to be able to stay open to the good, and recognize it when it comes, and not let him make me shut down to everything else because I am trying to reject him from my life. That I DO deserve to be treated like a valuable being, and that such treatment will not come from him, ever. His scales are tilted too far and it’s not my responsibility to right them. Only to keep myself balanced.


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