Divorcing a Narcissist

The pen is mightier than the sword. I have to believe that is true. The depth of sorrow knows no bounds when fighting a narcissist. That’s a joke. You can’t fight a narcissist. They don’t have the capacity to lose. They must win at all cost and they will bring you down to the lowest rung on the ladder. Lower than you ever thought you could go. And when you think it can’t get any worse, and when you think you can’t feel any more helpless than you do right now they bring you down another notch. And this continues day after day, month after month, year after year until you decide you’ve had enough. When you finally get the courage to leave, you will try to fight for what is rightfully and legally yours. You might think the law is on your side if you live in a community property state like California but let me give you a piece of advice from a person who has been trying to divorce a narcissist for 2 ½ years. Don’t bother looking for justice, there is none. The law can be manipulated by a manipulator.

The law actually rewards liars. My narcissist hides money obtained from his cash businesses and it’s too expensive to find the money. My narcissist lies on his income and expense declaration and no one seems to care. My narcissist cheats the government on his taxes and the IRS doesn’t care either. My narcissist has everyone at the temple duped into thinking he’s such a great guy. He’s in like flint with the Rabbi. None of these people sees him for who he really is. What a scam.

My narcissist emotionally abuses my son and yells at him when he misses a ball in ping pong when they’re on the same team because his non-existent self esteem can’t stand it when he loses, and no one cares. I’ve asked the lawyers to intervene and help me but they don’t.

I own a house in joint tenancy with my narcissist. I am a joint tenant on an investment account with him. You would think joint tenancy means 50% ownership. It doesn’t. He’s claiming single and separate property claims on both. My narcissist has lived in our house for 2 ½ years and has not paid me one cent. On the contrary, I’ve been paying for his health insurance for the last year (the judge’s stipulation if I wanted to divorce him prior to the property settlement issues being settled). My narcissist hasn’t paid me one penny in child support nor anything toward my son’s health insurance premiums and no one cares.

My narcissist has filed for hearings to try to get child support, alimony and attorney’s fees from me. My attorney said we would be on the offense. We have never once been on the offense. We are always on the defense. To stop him from going through with the hearings I had to release funds from our investment account so he can have money to pay the mortgage on the house. The hearing on the alimony issue was a joke, he was seeking support from me but wouldn’t have even been at the hearing because on that date he was in the Caribbean on a $12,000 trip that he paid for. Now how did he do that when he only makes $2,000 per month? It was a bluff, and my attorney walked right into it.

He had a process server serve me with papers at my office to embarrass me. I have an attorney, he didn’t have to do that but in his mind annihilation is the only way. This is all a game for him. He wants to destroy me at all cost. The more he thinks he has hurt me, the happier he feels. I can’t afford to pay for his insurance anymore and I’m tired of being abused by him when he won’t even attempt to sit down to discuss settlement but no one cares. I stopped paying for it the last two months and he rammed me with a contempt of court hearing. Nice guy. Instead of trying to settle this he’s racking up attorneys fees on filing motions. He’s told me that the attorney’s fees are just an investment. I’ve spent $55,000 on attorney’s fees and forensic accountant’s fees to try to protect myself from him and I really don’t see how anyone with any sense of reality could think that money has been an investment.

There is nothing I can do to stop this process. It has a life of its own. I can’t get my attorney to settle this, I can’t stop the forensic accounting and legal fees. It just keeps on going like the Energizer bunny. My narcissist needs some major karmic payback. I have never hated anyone as much as I hate him and it’s wasted hate. He doesn’t care I hate him. The only thing the hate does is to eat me up inside. Of all the emotions I have experienced in the last two years nothing has been beneficial other than positive feelings of love and happiness. The fear didn’t help anything. The anger got me nowhere. The anxiety failed to produce any positive experience and the depression just sapped my energy and stopped me from accomplishing those things that needed my attention the most; my family and my business.

From someone who has endured more emotional pain than she ever thought she could, the only thing left is to try to help someone else in similar shoes so they don’t have to go through the same torturous experience I’ve gone through. So here it is…my advice to you is if you have children, protect them at all cost. Then your goal should be to do whatever it takes to get the narcissist out of your life. Don’t try to find justice. If you need to walk away, then walk away…strike that, run away. Don’t fight him, it’s not worth it. No amount of money in the world is worth this horrible emotional pain. If the narcissist isn’t abusing you then the lawyers are, the court system, the judge, the forensic accountants. You can’t win with a narcissist. You’ll never get him to feel remorse. You’ll never get him to say he’s sorry. You’ll never get him to acknowledge his short comings or inappropriate behavior.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to start a new life, heal from the pain of the past and move on. Don’t feed your anger, your helplessness. Redirect your negative energy into positive energy. Get things done. The only justice that exists is he has to live with himself. On some level he knows how pitiful he is. One day he will burn one too many bridges or rage one too many times, and he’ll find himself all alone. The thing that he fears the most will come true. That is the day you will have your justice. You just won’t be around to see it because you’ll be off somewhere enjoying your life.

  1. Bless you ! Anything u need u let me know, your story us like mine. A watsrd exsistance. Right now I exsist for my 3 kids and that is my focus. As long as we ate breathing we are safe. One day, prob. Once the girls are outa college that only i pay for, she will kill me. Then ahe will take from out three girls and she’ll be a vampier from then on.

    Her abandonment was all planned, she just wanted more strange sex and no responsibilities. She has me at homr and working for her every day. And one day i wont see it coming … thud im dead !!

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  2. Although you feel you can’t go on..I promise the clouds will part to see daylight again. The important thing is you got out…We’re here for you. Be strong

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  3. Mine is a sociopath too. He alienated my 15 year old daughter against me after breaking her psychologically. My son is on unneeded adhd drugs (dad has to do to son what was done to dad from the age of 6-16) that dad plays with; this past feb and march up to 120 mg of ritalin without telling me and then blaming contact with his mother as the reason for son’s aggression (that and zoloft make my son crazy mad unless you over drug him). The sympathy for the poor N spath dad by the therapists who are flying monkeys,

    Everything Jim, Kay and Icatchstarfish talk about I have gone thru and am going thru. I have ptsd because of this. I never thought there were so many abusers like this. We need to band together to prevent their advantage in court. I read somewhere that Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute has done something with these cluster B personality disorders in regards to court and how high conflict they are. I am looking into it to see what is actually fact.

    Hang in there. I have lost my babies to the narcissistic sociopath devil and now he is filing for child support – someone who made 252k gross in 2015. Take care of yourselves.

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    • Michele, I am so sorry for what is being done to your babies. I did lose my adult son in this process- so much was said that was lies by my parents- even tho my mother admitted wrong in supporting ex; my son is still believing I am crazy n irresponsible etc. It’s infuriating how often hear stories like yours
      Prayer n hugs

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  4. Im scared I know this is the only way to get healthy is to leave and leave for good 😢😢

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    • You have every right to be scared; especially after reading what many of those of us that are out have shared. If I would have had ANY idea how events in my life would go once decided to get out, I don’t think I would have left. That being said, I DO NOT REGRET LEAVING AT ALL. Even more than no regrets, I am grateful for every awful thing that happened. See, each “can’t get worse” incident built on the previous “can’t get worse” incident. It was like training for a marathon – more like training for the Olympics! I “lost everything” from a marriage thought was forever, home, financial security, MY FAMILY… everything I thought was needed for my survival. I went from a $750k home to the food bank. Thing is, only thought HAD TO HAVE the things I “lost” I also thought there was NO WAY could be a single parent to two kids with the health problems I have. But found out CAN do it. And I believe if I can do it, you can too.

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  5. Thanks for sharing. I have legally been divorced for 2 years now. I had to go to court to get the judge to allow me to move out before the divorce was final because he was so cruel. He did things to me and laughed. Told me there was nothing I could do about it because if I left before the divorce then I would be looked at by the court as abandoning our children. Still dealing with my ex. He is draining me financially and alienated me from my 16 year old daughter. Convinced her that I am an unfit, abusive, alcoholic, money hungry B#$@*! I’ve tried to talk to him when there were issues with our children. He always started his sentences with “what did YOU do to cause the kids to behave this way?” He does not give our 16 year old a curfew, allows her a credit card to buy whatever she wants, gave her a minivan to drive, allows her to smoke in her bedroom, etc. I have rules, curfew, and expectations for my daughter and she chooses not to follow them. She has refused to stay with me, is very disrespectful and has even turned me into CPS for abuse. Everything she said was a lie. I have been investigated and am waiting to be dragged back into court for him to fight for full custody AGAIN! The only thing that matters to me in this world is my children. He is successfully taking that away from me.

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  6. You have to be emotionally strong and you must hold them accountable. Never give up. Do not walk away, and hand them everything. You will regret it. Instead anything they do that is untruthful, like lying on their discovery needs to be challenged with a motion to produce affidavits to support what they have declared through a court order. Do not speak to them, use the no contact approach, it will destroy them because anything you do positive or negative is still attention to them and when this is withheld it is very difficult for them to understand. Be the better, stronger person. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Have friends you can go to. Keep a journal. You will get stronger every day but please do not give into their demands of control, for your sake. I know of what I speak. Three years still and not divorced. But I am strong, and getting stronger every day and I will hold him accountable.

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  7. OMG IM going through THIS RIGHT NOW. OMG please email me

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  8. Thank you so much for sharing. I have been married to a covert female narcissist and like you did not know that such emotional pain was possible. I have cried for years in front of her only to see her stand like a robot with NO empathy or emotions whatsoever. I have a sixteen year old son who is still with me thank God and she moved out months ago. She never shows our son ANY affection and just spoils him with material gifts against my wishes of course. I have tried very hard to show him affection and love to compensate. But the hell he grew up in makes me wake up from a sleep many mornings in tears. I feel so bad I brought him into this world with a narcissist mother but I did not know any better because I was raised by a horrifically crewel narcissist father and a mother who just took it and did nothing to protect us only supporting him. My life for the last 54 years has been a lonely miserable hell with small bits of joy mixed in only from my son. I need to protect him but when battling a narcissist and especially a woman, ALL the professional resources and mental health professionals give BLIND preference to women and mothers and have discovered that when your a man married or going through a divorce with a female narcissist, you find yourself always on the defensive and the therapists most who are incompetent and unfamiliar with narcissistic abuse syndrome. My wife so cool and collected always seems to wrap them around her finger and the therapist NEVER value the feelings of a man. The system is feminized and criminally unfair to men. I am not a sexist nor do I ever expect any advantage over my narcissist wife. Telling the truth and living truth is all I expect. The truth however gets lost and ignored when a narcissist manipulates and lies to gain abuse by proxy support.
    I have no where to turn except to God. Thank you for caring about others in the same situation. It helps.

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  9. Moving on without justice is tough..I have lived a path of narcissistic jerks to last a lifetime….So I relate to every level you have experienced. Peace goes out to you my friend.

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  10. Immediately cutting all ties and dependencies with a narcissistic (ex-)husband is the only way forward. Unfortunately, if you have children together, that 1 tie will always remain, though the older the kids are, the more you as a mother can step back and let your kids take on their own fight in their own way against their narcissistic father! Little or no communication works all the time (for me none at all) and I just love the rule “don’t engage”! And what most likely rages the narcissistic ex the most is the fact that he is non existent in my world! This rage will ultimately be his own downfall! Keep strong you out there in the same situation …….

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  11. Immediately cutting all ties and dependencies with a narcissistic (ex-)husband is the only way forward. Unfortunately, if you have children together, that 1 tie will always remain, though the older the kids are, the more you as a mother can step back and let your kids take on their own fight in their own way against their narcissistic father! Little or no communication works all the time (for me none at all) and I just love the rule “don’t engage”! And what most likely rages the narcissistic ex the most is the fact that he is non existent in my world! This rage will ultimately be his own downfall! Keep strong you out there in the same situation …….

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  12. Evamarie McGowan

    I married him 12/12/2015.
    I moved out this past week, got my own apartment and am now in deep depression. I don’t have the strength to write all the details here and now. I just found out about this group a few minutes ago! I’m reaching out for support. I am 71 years old and thought I was at a point in my life where I knew how to choose a partner.
    Thanks. Evamarie in Louisville KY

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  13. I have had to be very secretive about seeking support; off social media per lawyer’s advice. cant take any chances -oh, i had commented on FB Narc page & that showed up in court… I KNOW his fear/weakness which stems from being poor & not feeling like he is good enough in upper middle class world; I know if my lawyer calls him MR not DR he will go nuts… I SO want to walk up to him & be cruel saying he will never be good enough… I can’t tho because I fear him still. AND if I try to play any games they backfire on me because I am not wired that way… SO MANY WANTS to mess with him BUT I KNOW BETTER. Bear attack – or mountain lion not picky

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    • HG Tudor is a narcissistic sociopath who gives advise – grey rock, ignoring him, all sorts of stuff that might help. I understand right now if you cannot. I could not either. The PTSD i had would just repeatedly trigger. It did not help that no one truly believed me. He was so “nice” in public. Just go behind closed doors with him. The facing him down and talking to him is fuel for him. What will devastate him is the ignoring and any way you can manage nonreaction. The No Contact is essential to get yourself back and get your ptsd treated. Everyone involved with Ns and spaths have some form of PTSD. Fastereft.com and youtube videos can help – form of emdr and tapping. Find a video that you think applies and tap along with. Love, hugs and prayers.

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  14. 2 years here; friends only tell pieces of this divorce hell because I don’t believe all he has done and I live it. The best part is his accusation of ME being the N! second best part is how SO MANY BUY HIS BS! Man, he LOVES being the victim. Community Prop state here too- but he doesn’t think applies to him. He makes $20k/mo. I moved out for my sanity which kinda screwed me; living on 1/10th of his take home because wording of the law means house and bills get paid plus imagined debts, remainder split 50/50. Tried to get sole custody but the custody eval showed I was sane parent – just shy of dx for him. Messed up part is I catch myself believing his lies about me. He went through my trust fund & told me it was stupid on my part to put money into marriage. Had my family believing his lies about me… sick stuff… I do not trust courts/laws. Sick of ppl saying “he cant do that!” He can and is. Counter settlement I want as much up front as can get because he will find a way to not pay. Things REALLY heating up as court date approaches; yet his evidence so weak its almost laughable- tactics becoming transparent/predictable BUT i doubt what I see because think he has some really big shoe to smack me w in court. He lawyer- they are peas in a pod. Hope their arrogance blows case for them- but also afraid if it does for my safety. I called cops one night after he attacked me. I went to jail. He is a doctor in small town & good ol boy network. 15 years together; Gas Lighting to point I was about to admit myself into psych ward as he let me go… I trust no one but my lawyer. I feel like I am crazy because mind games. OKAY I AM FREE N MONTH AWAY FROM COURT. but I don’t feel free because of embedded N games in my head. I know he will keep taking me to court until he annihilates me. I have done all the minimal contact, no emotion approaches- he comes after me more! yeah I find myself hoping I will find out he was eaten by a bear, deadly car crash (he is alc too) or at least a nice stroke– that thinking is messed up but true. Oh my biggest regret – if I knew end up in jail for DV because I TOUCHED HIM- I should have taken the opportunity to knock the f%*^ out of him.

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    • Been going thru the same thing for over 3 years. Three years in court just because he lies about everything. He had been turning in fraudulent tax returns for years and convinced the IRS to come after me, I took the IRS to court and won, Only made him madder, Now in court because he doesn’t make enough to pay alimony any longer. Along with not paying his taxes and lying to on the application to short sale his house. No taxes no mortgage no alimony . HE is entitled to lie to get what he wants. Sound familiar to everyone. 🙂 58 thousand dollars lost and years of my life, unbelievable.
      Sometimes I sneak a peak at my lawyers face when we were in mediation or what ever, he is amazed how much he lies even when he know we have documents to prove he is lying right in front of us. BUT you know what, they always seem to get away with it. Being dishonest doesn’t bother people like it used to, there is little consequences to be untruthful. The world’s standards are so low that they can accommodate the narcs.
      My ex teaches (influences) the mottos of entitlement and deception to every one he gets closed to.

      I stayed way too long, 20 years, with that experience I just would like to say that, every one leaves several times before it is the last time, Please talk to someone that has knowledge of covert narcissist if that is your situation. They do the most damage, and sly as snakes. If you have started the pattern of leaving, staying in hotels for days, what ever. They are playing a game with your life, believe nothing they say. Stop telling them how you feel and starting saving money. Do everything you can to throw them off of your normal behavior, looks, moods when going thru a change of your cognitive thinking. They know you like a book and know when you are going to break or bolt.
      Just pretend everything, like they do, get all your ducks in a row and then just go. No fights, no warning, just walk away when they are gone. The most important thing to do is to have NO NO contact. Nothing, facebook, email etc. Nothing. Try to go as long as you can with out getting involved in legal things. aGive yourself a break from contact for well over a year. Don’t talk to anyone that knows them.
      Find attorneys that have counselors that they seek advice from about dealing with narcs. They are out there.
      If you don’t do this you will NEVER find your self. It does get better but it will never get better if you have any contact at all. They are poison.

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  15. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure you hear this a lot but I can relate on many levels. It is cathartic to hear others share their story. I was married to my ex for a year and a half before leaving. I only stayed as long as I did because he insisted on getting me pregnant after 4 months of marriage and I was too afraid to leave during a pregnancy and then with a newborn baby. I realized too late that he only really wanted a child to feed his need and to keep me trapped. However, by the time my baby girl was 3 months old and my ex was screaming at me while I was breastfeeding, I looked at my baby girl and knew I had to get out.

    My biggest question/concern now is custody and coparenting. My ex continues to abuse me though he finally agreed to sign for divorce. He uses our daughter as a means to require me to respond or be in contact with him. I have done a lot of research and often hear that coparenting is nonexistent with a narcissist. I am looking for advice, help, and support. Anything would be appreciated.

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  16. My lawyer let him slander me and court a 5 time felon

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  17. There should be a tsunami wave to wipe out all those narcissists….

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Thanks for the encouraging words. Unfortunately, I am sure you are only too correct.

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