Divorcing a Narcissist

The pen is mightier than the sword. I have to believe that is true. The depth of sorrow knows no bounds when fighting a narcissist. That’s a joke. You can’t fight a narcissist. They don’t have the capacity to lose. They must win at all cost and they will bring you down to the lowest rung on the ladder. Lower than you ever thought you could go. And when you think it can’t get any worse, and when you think you can’t feel any more helpless than you do right now they bring you down another notch. And this continues day after day, month after month, year after year until you decide you’ve had enough. When you finally get the courage to leave, you will try to fight for what is rightfully and legally yours. You might think the law is on your side if you live in a community property state like California but let me give you a piece of advice from a person who has been trying to divorce a narcissist for 2 ½ years. Don’t bother looking for justice, there is none. The law can be manipulated by a manipulator.

The law actually rewards liars. My narcissist hides money obtained from his cash businesses and it’s too expensive to find the money. My narcissist lies on his income and expense declaration and no one seems to care. My narcissist cheats the government on his taxes and the IRS doesn’t care either. My narcissist has everyone at the temple duped into thinking he’s such a great guy. He’s in like flint with the Rabbi. None of these people sees him for who he really is. What a scam.

My narcissist emotionally abuses my son and yells at him when he misses a ball in ping pong when they’re on the same team because his non-existent self esteem can’t stand it when he loses, and no one cares. I’ve asked the lawyers to intervene and help me but they don’t.

I own a house in joint tenancy with my narcissist. I am a joint tenant on an investment account with him. You would think joint tenancy means 50% ownership. It doesn’t. He’s claiming single and separate property claims on both. My narcissist has lived in our house for 2 ½ years and has not paid me one cent. On the contrary, I’ve been paying for his health insurance for the last year (the judge’s stipulation if I wanted to divorce him prior to the property settlement issues being settled). My narcissist hasn’t paid me one penny in child support nor anything toward my son’s health insurance premiums and no one cares.

My narcissist has filed for hearings to try to get child support, alimony and attorney’s fees from me. My attorney said we would be on the offense. We have never once been on the offense. We are always on the defense. To stop him from going through with the hearings I had to release funds from our investment account so he can have money to pay the mortgage on the house. The hearing on the alimony issue was a joke, he was seeking support from me but wouldn’t have even been at the hearing because on that date he was in the Caribbean on a $12,000 trip that he paid for. Now how did he do that when he only makes $2,000 per month? It was a bluff, and my attorney walked right into it.

He had a process server serve me with papers at my office to embarrass me. I have an attorney, he didn’t have to do that but in his mind annihilation is the only way. This is all a game for him. He wants to destroy me at all cost. The more he thinks he has hurt me, the happier he feels. I can’t afford to pay for his insurance anymore and I’m tired of being abused by him when he won’t even attempt to sit down to discuss settlement but no one cares. I stopped paying for it the last two months and he rammed me with a contempt of court hearing. Nice guy. Instead of trying to settle this he’s racking up attorneys fees on filing motions. He’s told me that the attorney’s fees are just an investment. I’ve spent $55,000 on attorney’s fees and forensic accountant’s fees to try to protect myself from him and I really don’t see how anyone with any sense of reality could think that money has been an investment.

There is nothing I can do to stop this process. It has a life of its own. I can’t get my attorney to settle this, I can’t stop the forensic accounting and legal fees. It just keeps on going like the Energizer bunny. My narcissist needs some major karmic payback. I have never hated anyone as much as I hate him and it’s wasted hate. He doesn’t care I hate him. The only thing the hate does is to eat me up inside. Of all the emotions I have experienced in the last two years nothing has been beneficial other than positive feelings of love and happiness. The fear didn’t help anything. The anger got me nowhere. The anxiety failed to produce any positive experience and the depression just sapped my energy and stopped me from accomplishing those things that needed my attention the most; my family and my business.

From someone who has endured more emotional pain than she ever thought she could, the only thing left is to try to help someone else in similar shoes so they don’t have to go through the same torturous experience I’ve gone through. So here it is…my advice to you is if you have children, protect them at all cost. Then your goal should be to do whatever it takes to get the narcissist out of your life. Don’t try to find justice. If you need to walk away, then walk away…strike that, run away. Don’t fight him, it’s not worth it. No amount of money in the world is worth this horrible emotional pain. If the narcissist isn’t abusing you then the lawyers are, the court system, the judge, the forensic accountants. You can’t win with a narcissist. You’ll never get him to feel remorse. You’ll never get him to say he’s sorry. You’ll never get him to acknowledge his short comings or inappropriate behavior.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to start a new life, heal from the pain of the past and move on. Don’t feed your anger, your helplessness. Redirect your negative energy into positive energy. Get things done. The only justice that exists is he has to live with himself. On some level he knows how pitiful he is. One day he will burn one too many bridges or rage one too many times, and he’ll find himself all alone. The thing that he fears the most will come true. That is the day you will have your justice. You just won’t be around to see it because you’ll be off somewhere enjoying your life.

  1. Omg…I can’t believe there are so many more people like me.My narc husband has taken away my son and his passport to use me has his pawn. I want to just leave everything and flee to another country and build myself up again. I lost everything owing to his bastard. I now have no friends or family. He did everything to make sure I shunned them . His fake love , his mind games, the emotional abuse that I endured for the last 10 years, I am not even sure how I am still alive after 2 suicide attempts. that is what is a narc capable of doing…Someone spoke about Tsunami for such low life’s, add that with a tsunami made of fire. I do understand that it is a mental illness for them but to put others in trauma for your pleasure is no fun. It must be made legal to kill a narc…that will set most of the wires in the brain right which is believed to have gone wrong.

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  2. Same story different in ways, but still the same scenario. We have no children together, but he has always catered to his daughter who is 39 & has a position as an OR nurse, but tells her father she only makes 27,000 a year.( Not my son nor my grandchildren & his family) because of learned behavior. & to INFINITY PLUS ONE. Cosmetic surgery, paid for her house in full THAT HE SET UP AS AN “LP” BUSSSINESS,HER OWN CREDIT CARD FROM OUR JOINT ACCOUNT, PAYING HER SEWAGE, WATER & TRASH BILL. to overindulging HIS GRANDCHILDREN. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I HAVE LEARNED THE HARD WAY IS go” NO CONTACT” WITH HIM OR WITH ANYONE ASSOCIATED TOGETHER!!!! That has helped me emotionally come to realization of so many FLASH BACKS of the crazy making, when they live RENT FREE in your head. STOP CONTACT AT ALL COST, HAVE EVERYTHING GO THROUGH YOUR LAWYER !! This alone can help you regain your confidence & allowing yourself a time TO STAY OUT OF THE CONSTANT DRAMA & TRIAGULATION
    . For me was ESSENTIAL both emotionally & for my health.
    My story is not over, but I am staying true to myself, not lowering my standards to HIS tactics.
    Along with financial abuse as well, in our rental properties, concealing millions of dollars, you get it. I will claim to be a SURVIOR instead of a victim.

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  3. You wrote my story. $80k later and we are still not divorced, and the lies and abuse continue. I wish I would have read your article 18 months ago. The attornies and judge seem to thrive in the dysfunction. My goal now is to keep my body and health from further deterioration due to the stress and rage inside of me. If you are divorcing or leaving a narcissist, PLEASE do whatever it takes to end it quickly, do not fight their demands. Get out! Your life is not worth any material things or being right.

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  4. You poor dear. I understand because my divorce has been going on 3 and 1/2 years so I feel your pain.
    Part of my settlement has been reached however he convinced attorneys I wasn’t on my first mortgage. So yet again I had to show them so they could do their job and make him refinance or sale. Here we are he gets 90 more days. Feel free contact me anytime if you need to vent. Stay strong

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  5. Bless you ! Anything u need u let me know, your story us like mine. A watsrd exsistance. Right now I exsist for my 3 kids and that is my focus. As long as we ate breathing we are safe. One day, prob. Once the girls are outa college that only i pay for, she will kill me. Then ahe will take from out three girls and she’ll be a vampier from then on.

    Her abandonment was all planned, she just wanted more strange sex and no responsibilities. She has me at homr and working for her every day. And one day i wont see it coming … thud im dead !!

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  6. I am sobbing nearly uncontrollably after reading this… THIS IS MY LIFE! Other people would think that I should feel better reading this and realizing that someone else has gone through that or there is validation and what I try to tell people is happening is really true IT DOESN’T. IT FILLS ME WITH EVEN MORE HOPELESSNESS AND PAIN! He will just never stop, he’ll never have enough, hurt me enough, hurt our son enough, take my son away enough….There are lots of days it’s just too much

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  7. Charlotte Slemp

    This situation was so close to my life. I am ashamed to say I have been married for almost 55 years. It’s only been about 3yr. Since I first found out my husband was a narcissist. I’ve tried to divorce him, only to go broke and had to withdraw my petition. Now, its so much worse than before. I am 70 yrs. Old and not in good health. I feel like I am not able now to move, and he refuses to move. I feel I am loosing my mind. I have no money, and he does everything he can to make my life a living hell. He deprives me of medication, and he buys his food and tells me to eat what he has or do without. I’ve lost so much weight that I look awful. No one seems to understand what I am going through. He has turned friends and family members against me. And he comes and goes as he pleases, like he’s single, and I don’t even exist. I feel so hopeless. Each day I try to tell myself I will do something to change my situation, and I keep praying for the strength to do it. Thanks for letting me express my feelings.

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  8. My daughter is married to a narcissistic divorce attorney!! She is trying to figure out how to get out and get the kids. That is her biggest fear, that he will lie or that the judges will side with him, since they’ve seen him in court. Any advice from those that have won custody!

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  9. Could someone give me advice please. My husband and i are seperated he left me…then he took our daughter and we are in family law court. He doesnt want me to contact him…he hasnot got another victim…. he knows he has lost the court case. We have a morgage but i am in the house… this is really odd behavour why can i nit understand what he is up to?
    What is he saying to me ? Scared. I am not a few steeps ahead of him husband

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  10. I just lived through divorcing a narcissist. Friends or acquaintances can’t believe that I ended up with next to nothing after a 24 year marriage, 20 years of which I was a stay at home mom. I don’t know if I can ever truly trust another person.

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  11. Thank ypu for posting this-very helpful-currently entwined and seeking relief-I shal

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  12. Wow..dealing with this right now..husband cheated and left me and our 2 children last April. .a year later nothing has been settled..he took away the van..we live in the country..cut off my phone and tv. Those issues have been resolved now. He lied on his taxes saying he lives with us. His business is on the property. Now I have to prove to CRA THAT I am seperated with primary residence of children so that my only income source is not cut off..because of his lies!! He has also withheld child support because of the way the court order is worded. I just want my share of property so I can move on with my life and be happy. I am a stay at home mom
    I have no intention of staying in the community we now live in. I deserve to be surrounded by my friends and family and to be happy. Not be isolated like I am now I his home town. Wish he would just grow up and stop dragging this out.

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  13. Wow..dealing with this right now..husband cheated and left me and our 2 children last April. .a year later nothing has been settled..he took away the van..we live in the country..cut off my phone and tv. Those issues have been resolved now. He lied on his taxes saying he lives with us. His business is on the property. Now I have to prove to CRA THAT I am seperated with primary residence of children so that my only income source is not cut off..because of his lies!! He has also withheld child support because of the way the court order is worded. I just want my share of property so I can move on with my life and be happy. I am a stay at home mom
    I have no intention of staying in the community we now live in. I deserve to be surrounded by my friends and family and to be happy. Not be isolated like I am now I his home town. Wish he would just grow up and stop dragging this out.

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  14. This hits so close to home:( is your son still seeing the father? That is my biggest fear my child is 2 and can’t talk and I pray he is not doing what he did to me to her. Any advise

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  15. I have knowledge to share on this topic. It is extremely painful and difficult to accept that that the Narc in your life DOES NOT care about you. You cared. You loved. He knew this and he also knows that you loving him makes you easy for him to control. He will continue to use you as long as you allow it. Wake up. He does not know what real love is. He enjoys seeing you cry and in pain over him. He is dangerous to you and your heart. He will break it without mercy. He is two faced there is a very dark side he does not want anyone to see. But once you have seen it you must run away. You know his secret. He will hate you for it. He will attach to someone new who does not know his secret. He will scapegoat you to anyone who will listen. Love yourself. Take care of yourself. Do not concern yourself with him or what he is doing. He is a user. He put your health at risk. It is a lesson you needed to learn and an experience you needed to have. You do not have to repeat it if you are more careful you can experience true love that you deserve. Stay away from him. The longer you have been with him the harder it will be. But as you unravel yourself from him you will discover what a horrible person he is more and more and you will not ever fall into his traps and lies again.

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  16. Narcissistic nightmare

    Wow, when I read this it was like reading my own past. I have a few additional problems in my situation like his alcoholism and I received a few broken bones. But you’re right and you must realize that you can’t win especially with someone who has a lot of money so what I found is the only thing that you can do is let him have it all so that you can have your freedom. I got my son which he cares nothing about and he got all the money and assets, He may make it to be a millionaire but I don’t care! The way I look at it, there is absolutely nothing else he can do to me that he hasn’t already done. Keep in mind that the most wonderful thing in life is love and that is something that the narcissist will never experience. It’s up to karma and the lord to handle him now.

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  17. Free at last.

    That is exactly what I lived through, mine might be a little worse, a few more things to add like broken bones. I could not have wrote it better myself. And that is the best advice. I’ve gave up everything but realized it’s worth it just to be free.

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  18. Seperating from wife(covert Narsisist
    Spent months trying to mediate seperation.As you know their teplys will never once addreds your concerns. House closes april 5. Guess what? Thats right she said “we have nothing to discuss.everything my fault all her problems are me inflated.4 daughters house sold does not think anythong to discuss.Finally goy female lawyer all female firm.These ladied know narsisst . I hope and pray i can walk away 50/50 though with her id settle for 60/40 . Thank god the bond and respect my daughters and i have leave her looking like a deer in headlights.yes yes yes no contact.
    The children know what selfish is.the one thing these nars demonstrate 110% is SELFISHNESS.
    BEFORE YOU RUN.PREPARE FOR MARATHON.YES RUN BUTBWITH A TEAM.FREINDS FAMILY LAWYER AND THE #1 TEAM MEMBER GOD.never forget there are three indivuals in marriage you.them and him
    Love conquers all.trust him

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  19. Although you feel you can’t go on..I promise the clouds will part to see daylight again. The important thing is you got out…We’re here for you. Be strong

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  20. Mine is a sociopath too. He alienated my 15 year old daughter against me after breaking her psychologically. My son is on unneeded adhd drugs (dad has to do to son what was done to dad from the age of 6-16) that dad plays with; this past feb and march up to 120 mg of ritalin without telling me and then blaming contact with his mother as the reason for son’s aggression (that and zoloft make my son crazy mad unless you over drug him). The sympathy for the poor N spath dad by the therapists who are flying monkeys,

    Everything Jim, Kay and Icatchstarfish talk about I have gone thru and am going thru. I have ptsd because of this. I never thought there were so many abusers like this. We need to band together to prevent their advantage in court. I read somewhere that Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute has done something with these cluster B personality disorders in regards to court and how high conflict they are. I am looking into it to see what is actually fact.

    Hang in there. I have lost my babies to the narcissistic sociopath devil and now he is filing for child support – someone who made 252k gross in 2015. Take care of yourselves.

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    • Michele, I am so sorry for what is being done to your babies. I did lose my adult son in this process- so much was said that was lies by my parents- even tho my mother admitted wrong in supporting ex; my son is still believing I am crazy n irresponsible etc. It’s infuriating how often hear stories like yours
      Prayer n hugs

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  21. Im scared I know this is the only way to get healthy is to leave and leave for good 😢😢

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    • Leaving was the hardest decision I ever made. I attempted to leave 11 years ago and he threatened to take my kids and never let me see them. I was to scared to go. I was very vulnerable and believed everything he told me because I feared him so. I finally saw a divorce attorney. Paid a deposit and started paperwork. Got scared again and backed out. Saw the attorney again a month later and started the divorce again. ALMOST backed out and then I just decided to go through with it because I didn’t think could live any longer with this man. Even thought about suicide but I could not leave my children alone with him. The divorce was HELL. He was so terrible and mean to me. I have been away from him for over 2 years now. He still is mean and hurtful but I do my best to ignore him and deal with the well being of my children. I am happy sometimes and that’s a HUGE step from where I was when I was with him. It gets better every day.

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    • You have every right to be scared; especially after reading what many of those of us that are out have shared. If I would have had ANY idea how events in my life would go once decided to get out, I don’t think I would have left. That being said, I DO NOT REGRET LEAVING AT ALL. Even more than no regrets, I am grateful for every awful thing that happened. See, each “can’t get worse” incident built on the previous “can’t get worse” incident. It was like training for a marathon – more like training for the Olympics! I “lost everything” from a marriage thought was forever, home, financial security, MY FAMILY… everything I thought was needed for my survival. I went from a $750k home to the food bank. Thing is, only thought HAD TO HAVE the things I “lost” I also thought there was NO WAY could be a single parent to two kids with the health problems I have. But found out CAN do it. And I believe if I can do it, you can too.

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  22. Thanks for sharing. I have legally been divorced for 2 years now. I had to go to court to get the judge to allow me to move out before the divorce was final because he was so cruel. He did things to me and laughed. Told me there was nothing I could do about it because if I left before the divorce then I would be looked at by the court as abandoning our children. Still dealing with my ex. He is draining me financially and alienated me from my 16 year old daughter. Convinced her that I am an unfit, abusive, alcoholic, money hungry B#$@*! I’ve tried to talk to him when there were issues with our children. He always started his sentences with “what did YOU do to cause the kids to behave this way?” He does not give our 16 year old a curfew, allows her a credit card to buy whatever she wants, gave her a minivan to drive, allows her to smoke in her bedroom, etc. I have rules, curfew, and expectations for my daughter and she chooses not to follow them. She has refused to stay with me, is very disrespectful and has even turned me into CPS for abuse. Everything she said was a lie. I have been investigated and am waiting to be dragged back into court for him to fight for full custody AGAIN! The only thing that matters to me in this world is my children. He is successfully taking that away from me.

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  23. You have to be emotionally strong and you must hold them accountable. Never give up. Do not walk away, and hand them everything. You will regret it. Instead anything they do that is untruthful, like lying on their discovery needs to be challenged with a motion to produce affidavits to support what they have declared through a court order. Do not speak to them, use the no contact approach, it will destroy them because anything you do positive or negative is still attention to them and when this is withheld it is very difficult for them to understand. Be the better, stronger person. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Have friends you can go to. Keep a journal. You will get stronger every day but please do not give into their demands of control, for your sake. I know of what I speak. Three years still and not divorced. But I am strong, and getting stronger every day and I will hold him accountable.

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  24. I don’t expect or want justice anymore. Just freedom for me and my son.

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  25. How do you save your kid and run from a situation like this? I’m in a similar one, in a much more conservative state than CA. I’m also on disability with a severe invisible illness and up against someone with a family with millions. I have a lawyer and I really don’t see things going anywhere. I’ve thought about changing lawyers but I can’t afford to. How do I protect myself and my child from him destroying both of us???

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  26. Why are there not enough lawyers who can help our situation. .when u are emotionally abused..the system fails us

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  27. Narsissist are evil evil souls.and soul destroyers

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  28. Thank you for sharing your story.
    I stumbled across it by pure happenstance. But I am amazed at the similarities.
    I am permanently disabled wirh 3 children. 21, 15 and 11. ( I had a good job making $50,000-70,000 a year depending on how much I worked.) I was hit by a drunk driver and am now unable to work. But I have actually considered this a good thing since at the time my oldest really needed me at home.(i was a Purser for an airline.) My oldest has Aspergers, among a few other learning disabilities. It helped him tremendously that I was there.
    My flying took me away and kept our marriage together. Being at home caused me to see the “real man” I was married too. After a few years I could no longer take it and I left him.
    I collect disability, and had been Smart enough to pay for an additional long term disability. But that stopped awhile ago.
    He hides his money in his company by utilizing a specific way to pay his taxes and reimburse himself, so he looks like he gets nothing as far as the state is concerned.
    My children and I live at 110% below poverty level. And if I were on my own i wouldnt care, however when you have people that depend upon you…look up to you to take care of them, to feed them, have clothes that don’t have holes and shoes that fit and fresh food at least once in awhile. Well it’s hard. Especially when that other person, their FATHER claims to not have any money, yet can buy $300 tickets for a girlfriend to impress them for a football game. Or take his family on a week long cruise. (And just fyi, I really don’t care WHAT he spends his money on as long as our kids are taken care of. And another thing just to cover all the bases…i havent bought any new clothes for somewhere between 10-15 years. And if I do i by from goodwill or a consignment shop. The only thing I by new are undergarments.)
    Yet I am belittled for asking for $15 for a pair of pants for one son when he has only ONE pair now?
    I am told EVERYTHING should be covered by child support, yet he has constantly hidden money everytime we have gone to the mediator, which was in the beginning, because I could not afford a lawyer. And then refused to pay for insurance because I’m covered by state, so my kids should be covered as well.(Not unappreciative of dshs, but only so much it can do.)
    And when I told the mediator this wasn’t right I was told to seek counsel…lol. sure, I would have done that already if i could.
    Then keeps widdling me down every negotiation by $100 a month which may not seem like much. But when you are already going to food banks, I can tell you, it’s alot.
    To further the pain, I am called every name under the sun in front of my children and made to look like I am stupid, and they should treat me as such when I am an educated woman. Just because I cannot be out in the workforce, does not mean I’m unintelligent. 😦
    I tried to go to the state, hoping that would make a difference. That they could subpoena him and his tax records and I would get the support I needed for my children. (Its had now been 6 years).
    But he refused every step of the way. And i was simply told by the state because he owned his own business, well, he could be a big pain like this.
    So to date, I have to pretty much kiss his a** to get anything for the kids, which isn’t much. But I do.
    I have no self worth left at all. I know it’s my own doing and I hope by the time my daughter is out of school I will be able to regain alittle bit of who I was back. At this point I have nothing but my children. But i hope that will be enough.
    (I could go on and on with this.. Unfortunately it’s a never ending battle. People like this do not see what they are doing and they honestly don’t care. They are only in it for themselves.)

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  29. Omg. What can i do to make the first move. This is him to a T….
    .
    I love this man and he is destroying me (but that of course is what I’m doing to him)

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  30. Great post and thanks for the last paragraph- that really does hit home. I’m currently going through separation and fear that things could get as ugly as they did for you. It’s still very early. I want to file for uncontested – using http://www.thistoo.co (in canada) – because we don’t have many assets and I just want to get out and on with my life. I get the sense that he would be fine dragging things out just to see me suffer. God, I hope that doesn’t happen. In any case, thanks again for the words and the motivation to get this divorce finalized so I can cut ties ASAP

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  31. I just found out my soon to be ex Narcissist has hidden a great deal of money. It’s somewhere in Florida where his girlfriend (mistress) lives. He has been horrible to deal with and I’m exhausted. I go to forensic accountant Tuesday. His whole family is helping him. We were married for 30 years and 2015 was one big lie. Ugh!!!

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  32. This makes me sick! The most powerful country in the world and this is the piss poor protection that we offer to its people😢 Believe me I get it. I am getting the same non existent protection. I’m so sorry😔

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  33. I’m going through this at the moment. His a Narrcissist and a cop! The double whammy! My little fe is hell!

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  34. I totally relate
    Its a joke when everyone tells you that you are not being responsible to not fight for more money
    With a narc its a miracle to get out with anything
    Same experience that he charms the community with his “charitable facade” while bullying me with threats and intimidation , slandering me , diagnosing me with munchinsons disease and saying im enmeshed with my daughter to the point of child abuse
    Its total mind molestation and its so hard to let go of the injustice and it seems like no one cares enough to understand what really goes in and to stand up to him
    Everyone is afraid of a difficult person and they are also easily fooled by his personality disorder Its so hard to coparent with minimal contact He tries to turn almost everything into a fight He is on to the next girl and charming her while harming me Its taking so much courage and orayer and walking for recovery to try to move on It feels like a never ending journey My heart goes out to anyone dealing with a narccissist May we all be blessed and may the truth come out

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  35. Wow, I stumbled onto this. And this is my ex – to a T. Word for word. Every word uttered by him in our divorce made me look crazy, unstable, etc. He made 3x more money, yet I was the one stuck paying HIM due to lies! Community property state, hidden monies, quit claim deeds – ugh. It’s been 7yrs and thinking about it simply ramps up my anxiety. Then, right at the end of the divorce, I got involved with another for 3yrs. I’m a narcissist magnet apparently 😦

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  36. I read every word and every word was, rather is my life. It is simply unbelievable. I’ve always said I’d rather he beat the shit out of me than to emotionally torture me. I am free, physically. I continue to fight for my children. My children are getting older. My son, 12, has yet to learn, to experience, the truth. One day they will be free as well. I prayer that day comes that he is caught in his own twisted, evil game, even if I am not here to enjoy it.

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  37. OMG IM going through THIS RIGHT NOW. OMG please email me

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  38. Thank you so much for sharing. I have been married to a covert female narcissist and like you did not know that such emotional pain was possible. I have cried for years in front of her only to see her stand like a robot with NO empathy or emotions whatsoever. I have a sixteen year old son who is still with me thank God and she moved out months ago. She never shows our son ANY affection and just spoils him with material gifts against my wishes of course. I have tried very hard to show him affection and love to compensate. But the hell he grew up in makes me wake up from a sleep many mornings in tears. I feel so bad I brought him into this world with a narcissist mother but I did not know any better because I was raised by a horrifically crewel narcissist father and a mother who just took it and did nothing to protect us only supporting him. My life for the last 54 years has been a lonely miserable hell with small bits of joy mixed in only from my son. I need to protect him but when battling a narcissist and especially a woman, ALL the professional resources and mental health professionals give BLIND preference to women and mothers and have discovered that when your a man married or going through a divorce with a female narcissist, you find yourself always on the defensive and the therapists most who are incompetent and unfamiliar with narcissistic abuse syndrome. My wife so cool and collected always seems to wrap them around her finger and the therapist NEVER value the feelings of a man. The system is feminized and criminally unfair to men. I am not a sexist nor do I ever expect any advantage over my narcissist wife. Telling the truth and living truth is all I expect. The truth however gets lost and ignored when a narcissist manipulates and lies to gain abuse by proxy support.
    I have no where to turn except to God. Thank you for caring about others in the same situation. It helps.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are wrong! I am a woman going through and nasty bitter divorce with a narcissistic husband for almost 4 years who has a lot of money with a bully Narcissist woman lawyer. They are trying to starve me out by filing motion after motion, the cavaet is he is a convicted felon guilty of fraud, hinders lawyer were able to passing a financial affidavit that was all bs and lies that he only made $400 a week and it was not certified signed or notarized that they filed the magistrate said nothing I just ordered him to sign his financial affidavit. I could barely scrape by to get a lawyer and the law is on his side.

      Like

  39. Moving on without justice is tough..I have lived a path of narcissistic jerks to last a lifetime….So I relate to every level you have experienced. Peace goes out to you my friend.

    Like

  40. Immediately cutting all ties and dependencies with a narcissistic (ex-)husband is the only way forward. Unfortunately, if you have children together, that 1 tie will always remain, though the older the kids are, the more you as a mother can step back and let your kids take on their own fight in their own way against their narcissistic father! Little or no communication works all the time (for me none at all) and I just love the rule “don’t engage”! And what most likely rages the narcissistic ex the most is the fact that he is non existent in my world! This rage will ultimately be his own downfall! Keep strong you out there in the same situation …….

    Liked by 1 person

  41. Immediately cutting all ties and dependencies with a narcissistic (ex-)husband is the only way forward. Unfortunately, if you have children together, that 1 tie will always remain, though the older the kids are, the more you as a mother can step back and let your kids take on their own fight in their own way against their narcissistic father! Little or no communication works all the time (for me none at all) and I just love the rule “don’t engage”! And what most likely rages the narcissistic ex the most is the fact that he is non existent in my world! This rage will ultimately be his own downfall! Keep strong you out there in the same situation …….

    Like

  42. Evamarie McGowan

    I married him 12/12/2015.
    I moved out this past week, got my own apartment and am now in deep depression. I don’t have the strength to write all the details here and now. I just found out about this group a few minutes ago! I’m reaching out for support. I am 71 years old and thought I was at a point in my life where I knew how to choose a partner.
    Thanks. Evamarie in Louisville KY

    Like

  43. I have had to be very secretive about seeking support; off social media per lawyer’s advice. cant take any chances -oh, i had commented on FB Narc page & that showed up in court… I KNOW his fear/weakness which stems from being poor & not feeling like he is good enough in upper middle class world; I know if my lawyer calls him MR not DR he will go nuts… I SO want to walk up to him & be cruel saying he will never be good enough… I can’t tho because I fear him still. AND if I try to play any games they backfire on me because I am not wired that way… SO MANY WANTS to mess with him BUT I KNOW BETTER. Bear attack – or mountain lion not picky

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    • If anyone figures out how to mess with them let me know! (I like the tsunami thing) I keep getting told to “take the HIGH ROAD”. BS!!! I’m in a small town, he is the president or chairman or the head of many organizations. He has banned me from his street, his church, his business (where my mother used to have ownership of). He cyber stalks me. He has signed me up for the most disgusting websites I have ever seen and he shares all these lies with everyone using every way he can. I got TPO for cyber harassment but the judge that issued the temp was not the one that got the case (his attorney recused the judge) so he was judging on physical harassment and threw it out. I have him on 4 contempt charges but I don’t have anymore money to take him to court. And they were be just a slap on the wrist anyway.
      Just like many of you he a “Disney Land Dad” so when my son is with him they take trips he buys him expensive stuff, but not a lot of personal interaction. My daughter hasn’t seen or been in contact with him in 9 months. After I left he started in on her. She is 14 my son quilted into visiting him. My daughter gets nothing from him, not even a birthday card. All because she won’t say “I’m sorry” for some fight they had 9 months ago! It’s been 2 1/2 years since separation and it just keeps getting worse!! even with a parenting coordinator! I guess another 6 years till son graduates, then I can leave here. Nice to hear other people are going through this…I’m not crazy.

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    • HG Tudor is a narcissistic sociopath who gives advise – grey rock, ignoring him, all sorts of stuff that might help. I understand right now if you cannot. I could not either. The PTSD i had would just repeatedly trigger. It did not help that no one truly believed me. He was so “nice” in public. Just go behind closed doors with him. The facing him down and talking to him is fuel for him. What will devastate him is the ignoring and any way you can manage nonreaction. The No Contact is essential to get yourself back and get your ptsd treated. Everyone involved with Ns and spaths have some form of PTSD. Fastereft.com and youtube videos can help – form of emdr and tapping. Find a video that you think applies and tap along with. Love, hugs and prayers.

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  44. 2 years here; friends only tell pieces of this divorce hell because I don’t believe all he has done and I live it. The best part is his accusation of ME being the N! second best part is how SO MANY BUY HIS BS! Man, he LOVES being the victim. Community Prop state here too- but he doesn’t think applies to him. He makes $20k/mo. I moved out for my sanity which kinda screwed me; living on 1/10th of his take home because wording of the law means house and bills get paid plus imagined debts, remainder split 50/50. Tried to get sole custody but the custody eval showed I was sane parent – just shy of dx for him. Messed up part is I catch myself believing his lies about me. He went through my trust fund & told me it was stupid on my part to put money into marriage. Had my family believing his lies about me… sick stuff… I do not trust courts/laws. Sick of ppl saying “he cant do that!” He can and is. Counter settlement I want as much up front as can get because he will find a way to not pay. Things REALLY heating up as court date approaches; yet his evidence so weak its almost laughable- tactics becoming transparent/predictable BUT i doubt what I see because think he has some really big shoe to smack me w in court. He lawyer- they are peas in a pod. Hope their arrogance blows case for them- but also afraid if it does for my safety. I called cops one night after he attacked me. I went to jail. He is a doctor in small town & good ol boy network. 15 years together; Gas Lighting to point I was about to admit myself into psych ward as he let me go… I trust no one but my lawyer. I feel like I am crazy because mind games. OKAY I AM FREE N MONTH AWAY FROM COURT. but I don’t feel free because of embedded N games in my head. I know he will keep taking me to court until he annihilates me. I have done all the minimal contact, no emotion approaches- he comes after me more! yeah I find myself hoping I will find out he was eaten by a bear, deadly car crash (he is alc too) or at least a nice stroke– that thinking is messed up but true. Oh my biggest regret – if I knew end up in jail for DV because I TOUCHED HIM- I should have taken the opportunity to knock the f%*^ out of him.

    Like

    • Been going thru the same thing for over 3 years. Three years in court just because he lies about everything. He had been turning in fraudulent tax returns for years and convinced the IRS to come after me, I took the IRS to court and won, Only made him madder, Now in court because he doesn’t make enough to pay alimony any longer. Along with not paying his taxes and lying to on the application to short sale his house. No taxes no mortgage no alimony . HE is entitled to lie to get what he wants. Sound familiar to everyone. 🙂 58 thousand dollars lost and years of my life, unbelievable.
      Sometimes I sneak a peak at my lawyers face when we were in mediation or what ever, he is amazed how much he lies even when he know we have documents to prove he is lying right in front of us. BUT you know what, they always seem to get away with it. Being dishonest doesn’t bother people like it used to, there is little consequences to be untruthful. The world’s standards are so low that they can accommodate the narcs.
      My ex teaches (influences) the mottos of entitlement and deception to every one he gets closed to.

      I stayed way too long, 20 years, with that experience I just would like to say that, every one leaves several times before it is the last time, Please talk to someone that has knowledge of covert narcissist if that is your situation. They do the most damage, and sly as snakes. If you have started the pattern of leaving, staying in hotels for days, what ever. They are playing a game with your life, believe nothing they say. Stop telling them how you feel and starting saving money. Do everything you can to throw them off of your normal behavior, looks, moods when going thru a change of your cognitive thinking. They know you like a book and know when you are going to break or bolt.
      Just pretend everything, like they do, get all your ducks in a row and then just go. No fights, no warning, just walk away when they are gone. The most important thing to do is to have NO NO contact. Nothing, facebook, email etc. Nothing. Try to go as long as you can with out getting involved in legal things. aGive yourself a break from contact for well over a year. Don’t talk to anyone that knows them.
      Find attorneys that have counselors that they seek advice from about dealing with narcs. They are out there.
      If you don’t do this you will NEVER find your self. It does get better but it will never get better if you have any contact at all. They are poison.

      Like

    • Would the custody have worked out different if he had an NPD diagnosis? And the wishing he would die in a car crash, that’s part of the PTSD you have from dealing with him.

      Like

  45. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure you hear this a lot but I can relate on many levels. It is cathartic to hear others share their story. I was married to my ex for a year and a half before leaving. I only stayed as long as I did because he insisted on getting me pregnant after 4 months of marriage and I was too afraid to leave during a pregnancy and then with a newborn baby. I realized too late that he only really wanted a child to feed his need and to keep me trapped. However, by the time my baby girl was 3 months old and my ex was screaming at me while I was breastfeeding, I looked at my baby girl and knew I had to get out.

    My biggest question/concern now is custody and coparenting. My ex continues to abuse me though he finally agreed to sign for divorce. He uses our daughter as a means to require me to respond or be in contact with him. I have done a lot of research and often hear that coparenting is nonexistent with a narcissist. I am looking for advice, help, and support. Anything would be appreciated.

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  46. My lawyer let him slander me and court a 5 time felon

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  47. I am going through very similar situations. I left my husband 7 years ago and finally was divorced after two very long, expensive years. He continues to create havoc in my life because I no longer wanted to go along with his abuse. My ex-husband is a Covert Narcissist, the most evil kind. Slander is the device they use to do the most damage, and it starts long before you are aware of what is going on. In a congregational setting, if they do not hold a position, they ALWAYS make sure they are surround by the “elders ” or whom ever gives them the appearance of ” the nicest, most generous, spiritual man”.
    I have been paying a lawyer for over 3 years. My ex was submitting fraudulent tax returns, trying to make me responsible for large amounts of money. As stated in your blog, there is no justice, not only does the justice system protect liars, they are REWARDED. But another reason why they get away with it time and again, is that many in the world are dishonest, many, it is part of everyday life. It is excepted. I had to take the IRS to court, which was an 18 month ordeal. Because I won, I will pay for it for the rest of my life, even though he has not paid them a dime and never will. They are above all laws and entitled to lie their way out of any situation. THEY REALLY DO BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE ALLLOWED TO LIE THEIR WAY OUT OF ANY SITUATION AND THEY WILL.
    And you are sooooo right that no one cares that someone lies anymore, It is tolerated, ignored, down played what ever. Most lies are not the same type of sinister lies that a narcissistic mate uses to destroy someone, but it does add to the fear of being close to anyone, and will trust no one.
    I am on the road to court again because he stop paying alimony, says he lost a big client.
    I am about completely out of money, I have borrowed from my sons and brothers. I have lost $43,000 and still haven’t gone thru all the mediation crap they force you to do and Force you to pay for. and then pre trial appearances. Mediation with a Narc.
    Try not to have any legal dealings with a Narc until you have had over a year of NO CONTACT. AND YOU HAVE A COUNSELOR. You are exposing yourself again and you better have a different mind set of him, (her) but mostly of yourself

    I did many things wrong when dealing with my ex when together. I did not know really who he was, and as with some, once you allow yourself to see the whole picture, it is too late. They have already done so much damage it is hard to find help among friends. They believe some of what you say but most never believe that what he does is intentional and schemed, sometimes for years. They are patient when it comes to the time it may time for the out working of a plan.
    My advice is #1 Never tell them what you are thinking, never. If you are thinking of leaving, never let them know. The slander heightens and money will disappear. Stop saying anything about how they have hurt you. They feed on knowing that. Never tell them of secrets you may know about them if you are going to leave and try to walk away. This may slightly lessen their desire to slander you. Keep every email, phone records, what ever you have even the smallest thought in your mind you may need in defense in the future. If there is physical abuse, always have a hidden tape recorder. Never tell them. As bad as you would like to let them know or scare them with the knowledge of you have proof, something on your side for once. Never tell them. Just one day use it if needed and make sure you are ready. The only way to win the small battles that is all your allowed, is by surprise. Start taking money in small amounts. They have been listening to you talk and watching you, they know when you are getting ready to do something but they are not sure if this time is when you will actually do it. They know who you trust and who you will go to for help or to talk to. They will begin to work on that person or persons and most likely you will not be able to count on them. SO when you start to think about leaving, don’t talk about anything real with them. Be like them fake, false front. Lie about what you are thinking, feeling.
    The second advice is once you get out there, if you have no small children to have to share. follow the rule of no contact. FOLLOW THAT RULE, THIS IS WHAT SAVES YOUR LIFE !!!!!!!!!!
    You will go thru many phases, find some good books, they hurt and then they make you feel good because you realize that you are not crazy. Keep your world very small, peaceful, simple. Do not spend time with any one that makes you feel bad about anything. You must take care of your heart. Do not get in any relationships.
    Find out who you want to be now, because you have been gone for a very long time.

    I hope that many out there hurting and wondering so many things about themselves, find a group or another person that has experienced the same things in their life. Make it a rule that when together, have some times that those persons are not mentioned, only things that are new in your life, something positive, no matter how small.

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  48. There should be a tsunami wave to wipe out all those narcissists….

    Liked by 1 person

  49. Thanks for the encouraging words. Unfortunately, I am sure you are only too correct.

    Like

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