Author Archives: ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissists are VERY convincing and polished liars and EVERYTHING that they have told you was a LIE. This was the PRISON the Narcissist used to hold you captive AND It was built from all of those lies, both the POSITIVE endearing ‘I Love You Lies’ and the disabling ones that managed you down every day to control and devalue you that took your worth away and erased your personality.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
So to start, you have to actualize that EVERYTHING WAS A LIE. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends hate you, my family hates you, the world hates you, etc.!’ Don’t forget all the other day to day lies, the lies about the affairs, the lies about STUPID stuff, the lies about accountability, the lies about other lies, etc. All of these messages that the Narcissist was basically downloading into your head is all part of their delusional disorder based on LIES that they used to manage you down, gain power over you, and to control you. So when you refer back to these messages they put in your head and RELATE to them to try to resolve ANY of this, you are only listening to the same delusional lies that got you into this abusive relationship that is now still convincing you that you are to blame and everything bad and YOU have to accept responsibility here for the demise of this relationship. Those messages were designed to control and debilitate you or imprison you and they have – so replaying any of them will still keep you right in the abuse and behind those same bars and in that same prison.
As convincing as the Narcissist in your life was about their love for you it had absolutely NOTHING to do with love. Every single action employed by the Narcissist stems from a pathological need to control others AND all lies to bring their agenda to extort supply to fruition. In order to prove your love to a Narcissist, you had to surrender your identity and all of your power and control over to them. You handed over your life when you handed them your heart. That predator knew that if they conquered your heart then they had you where they wanted you. You became a slave to their needs and your only purpose was to enhance and embellish the Narcissist’s false image, take care of those needs, and accept their self-serving abuse. That prison they used to keep you captive was built from all of those lies – the POSITIVE endearing I love you lies and the disabling ones that managed you down every day to control you and eventually destroy you. Of course, none of this is ever presented to us within the real truth of just how disordered and damaging they really are because the Narcissist creates this extreme façade and uses manipulation AND THOSE LIES to con you into trusting them implicitly with THREE very thoughtful and well placed and deceptive words – ‘I Love You!’ They take you from Charm to Harm!
There is no “one” real person inside of the Narcissist that is fully functioning or normal but instead there are MANY made up facsimiles of people they imitate to cover up their dark reality to give them the ability to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people. They are biologically human beings with needs, and they look like us and basically even act like us BUT they do not THINK like we do. Seems complicated so how do they do it? When they meet you, they will carefully access so many parts of your life and morph right into your twin – and WOW you have so much in common. SO, it naturally follows that there is no proper internal mechanism that exists or functions as it relates to a Narcissist having a normal and functioning ‘personality’ that can relate in a healthy manner with the outside world and the people in it so basically the WHOLE relationship is based on manipulation to serve their agenda. The reality that seems to exist (and I am very loosely using that word reality) is a thin veneer or skin that is like a mask or costume they CREATE with those lies to manipulate people to fall for their life scam. Their façade is very interchangeable as well, so it completely fools the rest of the world and protects the Narcissist from being EXPOSED as dark, envious, and the loathsome person that they are. This basically encapsulates the personality disordered and the truth about them as they relate to people and the world.
You have probably heard this many times and I will repeat it once more – they are like a chameleon that is able to change the color of its skin to match its environment and they are amazingly adept at this. The Narcissist disengages or detaches from their dark inner self and recreates an image to wear for the public or their immediate world. This image is constantly projected to essentially allow themselves to ‘fit in.” Of course it is a good and likeable image that is very interchangeable AND even described as very charming but remember it was designed to camouflage themselves – and there you have it a different person for every different ‘need’. Unfortunately, what is hidden under that façade is a very dangerous individual. Personally, I would describe them as pathologically seductive because in reality they are con artists that are after something they need. That ‘need’ is usually to trick their targets and use them as ‘Narcissistic Supply’ and just a major component of their survival. Basically, their functioning image is the biggest lie that this extortionist uses in their arsenal of deceit or ABUSE. They compartmentalize people to fit the many different and exacting needs they have that is personalized for each of us. Remember Narcissists are in every facet of life – be it a family member, a friend, a co-worker, perhaps a priest or preacher, attorney, doctor, next door neighbor, etc. Also remember that supply isn’t just limited to romantic relationships – if you have something they need or want, or they can better their social status by being in your company, or benefit by an association with you, they will be right there at your side getting whatever they are after. Once it is gotten they are gone and if you ever tried to make them accountable – YOU are gone as well.
So, there is no real person there just a needy void looking for a surrogate to supply them what they cannot achieve on their own and that would be you and I – now that is pretty messed up! The relationship with yourself, or the one that requires a conscience, morals, empathy, a soul, etc., is a pretty important relationship to be lacking COMPLETELY, and pretty much a requirement or prerequisite to be a functioning human being and living life NORMALLY as well as interacting with others. If you don’t relate to your own self or your life in a healthy matter, how can you relate to anyone else in a ‘healthy manner OR any manner for that matter?’ JUST MY POINT – a Narcissist lacks the mechanisms needed to be a ‘fully functioning human being’ so they invent what they need as they go along in life and we play along or join in unknowingly with their toxic and destructive game while they run off with all the goods. With a Narcissist it is purely pathological in nature and basically EVERYONE is here to supply them OR fulfill their every need, be it financially as in a career, sexually to fulfill their physical needs, familial so ‘they’ have a proper ‘face’ to appear ‘normal, moral and ethical’, friends to help them shore up their façade and believe their ‘lies’, or whatever they can harvest and use from people to fill in the huge VOID that they are. None of us serve anything more OR are more than a “bit part” in the Narcissist deranged and disordered life. We function to serve a specified need the Narcissist has at a specific time, AND they have multiple relationships going on to secure all the supply they can get – but we are none the wiser!
A Narcissist lacks all social skills/graces in the most extreme ways because underneath their ‘seductive’ façade, they don’t honor any human rights, respect individuality, or obey any written law. They live life in an extremely pathological and abusive manner. They imitate a functioning human being and take everything they want and need through some extreme and manipulative methods. They also get bored easily with their conquests SINCE they lack the mechanisms to form healthy bonds (and decisions), so they STRAY very easily to keep the excitement and adulation flowing in their world. Now it is bad enough they are life’s extortionist but they also seem to envy and loathe all healthy loving people that would dare express their individuality, question them or demand accountability, so they lose their patience with us quickly and psychologically attack our minds in an effort to destroy our life as we know it – and if that doesn’t succeed they will just smear our integrity behind our backs. Remember they are also very protective with their big secret or lie about themselves – so if you catch on they are ready and loaded with an attack on your integrity that can literally destroy your life. Hmmm, it seems like they are very aware of what they are doing to always have a counteroffensive ready.
Like any other toxic bully, you have to disengage from the Narcissist COMPLETELY because if you don’t they will only attack you in unimaginable ways to destroy your COMPLETE integrity as well as your life. They have to win the battle they have with life, people and essentially the WHOLE world! You will ‘seemingly’ end up being the crazy one and the abuser because they will make you out to be everything bad/wrong just like a psycho bully would react to remove any blame from themselves and pass it onto you, basically their back-stabbing and smear campaign. Not a very pretty package at all. Just always remember, you haven’t done ANYTHING wrong to deserve this because they don’t function like other human beings. They don’t even have a clue what liking, caring or LOVING is so they live without it by pretending they know it, but you CAN’T pretend to love especially when you have no morals and it catches up with the Narcissist very quickly because they are so ‘out of control’ and careless.
Narcissists relate to other human beings as objects. You know objects, the things to use and ab-use for self-serving purposes. Things that have no rights, things that are inanimate, things that have no feelings. Perhaps a good example would be like a tool that performs a certain function, and we are just one of MANY of these “tools” that they USE.
So where did that ‘love’ go? Until the fact sinks in that the time they spent with us or anybody is never a ‘relationship’, but instead more of a pathological parasite feeding off of you/us, you just won’t “get” malignant Narcissism or that this is emotional and psychological abuse. You will keep acting on the premise that the Narcissist has some feelings JUST for you, or some sort of conscience, morals, ‘cares for’ or even loves you – and that premise couldn’t be further from the truth. It NEVER makes sense to you, so you keep questioning or blaming yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to do as if everything is your fault. You are always wondering whether it is you, or it is YOU that has temporarily lost your ability to relate NORMALLY in your relationship, or better yet you are crazy like your Narcissist is telling you. NO, it is the Narcissist that is literally the ‘crazy one’ or clinically has the ‘personality disorder’. Well it is classified as a personality disorder but still in all it is CRAZY behavior or better yet dehumanizing, demeaning, debasing, and destructive, AND psychologically abusive to anyone that has any sort of connection with them. Control is power to an abuser so whether you are attacked physically with a fist or attacked mentally with hideous, destructive and manipulating words, it is abuse from a disordered person, one that is not a fully functioning human being that lacks total empathy and love for their fellow man/womankind. You don’t intentionally CONTROL, harm, hurt, or destroy any creature on this planet for ANY REASON and Narcissists do it every waking moment of their lives. Knowledge is power so educating yourself to completely understand this abuse is the first step to getting your healthy mind back and starting out on your road to recovery – well that and no/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
There are many corrupt internal messages that the abuse has imprinted on your mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
After this relationship ends there will be psychological, emotional, as well as personal issues that you will have to deal with. This abuse is not just about the horrendous things your abuser did to you because that is now the past and the abusive aspect. What you are having to face is today and dealing with the damage from this abuse or things that have changed many of your perspectives concerning your belief system, thought processes, your worth, your mind and your heart. You adapted in a damaging way to become functional where there was no real function for you in this relationship because it was a desperate love that you were conditioned into believing you didn’t deserve because there was something wrong with YOU! The abuse manipulated you and managed you down in such a manner that it basically brain-washed you as well as traumatized you in the process of trying to achieve a cohesive or loving relationship. You were reacting to the fear of loss that was imposed on you to conform or be forced out by the Narcissist. It doesn’t define you as weak, a fool, dumb or any of the above it is just a fact of what this abuse does.
Many corrupt messages were delivered from this abuse that have been imprinted on your heart and mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had. These certain changes that took place over the course of the abuse must be undone so you can become the person that you want to be, or the person you were before the abuse.
There are many lists out there that basically describe what a victim/target of emotional and psychological abuse experiences so I wanted to put this out there as reference:
•constantly hearing that internalized and critical voice from the negative messages that were implanted into your head and heart from your abuser
•wondering why you are not feeling happier now that you have moved on and away from the abuse as you believe you should be feeling
•feelings of insecurity concerning how you appear to others, or feeling a need to always explain yourself, or just uncertainty of how you fit into this world
•feeling angry, suffering anxiety and depression and sometimes questioning your own sanity
•the feeling that time is passing you by and you are missing out on many things in your life or basically you are stuck in a dark and ominous void
•a strong feeling that you don’t want to be the person you are or overly sensitive to your situation
•feeling hesitant to accept your own perceptions about things as compared to before when you were very decisive about most everything
•a feeling like you want to run away or completely escape your present situation
•a sense of worthlessness and failure where before you felt confident with your abilities
•a loss of enthusiasm and spontaneity and trust of life
•living in a perpetually guarded state or always protecting yourself from being hurt through avoidance and isolation
•thinking and feeling that something is wrong with you
•constant soul searching and reviewing past incidents in the hope of determining what went wrong, even obsessing
•a strong loss of self-confidence compounded by a growing feeling of self-doubt and always feeling the need to apologize for who you are
•living in the future instead of the present, believing everything will be good when this, that, and whatnot happens – but you also feel it is not happening and you feel your life is basically over as it concerns finding true happiness again
•having a distrust of people, future relationships and settling that you may be alone because you are unlovable or don’t offer enough for another person to love you, or that you are worthless
Those are some of the things that may be cycling through your thoughts and mind. These disabling thoughts are directly related to the managing down, manipulation, and the negative messages from the abuse. These are the very things that you must conquer, desensitize or extinguish because if not you will be imprisoned by these messages forever. Becoming healthy again is replacing these distorted messages and returning to ‘the old you’ that existed before the abuse. The most important thing here is learning to trust and love yourself again and then reigniting those old belief systems BUT with new boundaries and introspection – this only happens with self-compassion and understanding that most if not all of these distorted thoughts came to you from a personality disordered person that you must now put out of your mind and life forever!
This abuse doesn’t stop the very day you walk away from a psychologically and emotionally abusive partner. It more than likely may continue to affect you long after you are out of the relationship until you completely educate yourself about this abuse or what psychological and emotional abuse is! It is unfortunate that you and I have had to experience this and are left disabled and damaged by our abuser BUT we can’t allow it to affect and destroy the remainder of our life by staying imprisoned with these thoughts. You were an amazing person before the abuse and you are going to be more than that when you recover and become a survivor with new boundaries and a new perspective when you get back to life and living again.
Psychological and emotional abuse is any judgement, from ANY source, that humiliates, undermines and paralyses you. People do have a right to comment on errors you have made, but they are NEVER justified in suggesting that those errors undermine your human worth or dehumanize you through a personal attack. If you think about your abuse with a Narcissist, this was a slow and insidious day by day and CONSTANT manipulation of your character. It was mixed with love and you were thrown a little bone now and then, but that was only to pull you back into the abuse and managed down more or negative conditioning. It was a horrendous manipulation of your mind, character and integrity by a disordered person, dehumanization and purely sadistic. They are the sick one here and not you but you have been damaged and disabled by your connection with them.
This abuse keeps you hyper focused on the past by only viewing the present and the future through the negative perspective of the abusive relationship or those negative messages that were forced into your head and heart. When you’re in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship, the Narcissist always reminded you of everything you have ever done wrong and basically told you that you will never change. They do this with the constant managing down with something new or old and remind you of it constantly. There was never much that was ever directed at you in a positive manner either, instead everything you did was devalued where you continually strived to do better in response to the devaluation and that became your normal with them. What did this make you feel like? Worthless! Basically, it is the devaluation stage of the abuse and that is where these negative messages became imprinted on your mind! AGAIN – it is insidious and sadistic or dehumanization of a human being.
Psychological and emotional abuse basically brainwashes you into accepting whatever negative things your abuser said about you as real or your reality and worth as a person. They make you so vulnerable through the devaluation process that it confuses AND disables your reality which in turns undermines your own opinion of yourself AND then you believe they must be right because they are so relentless and angry about these so-called things you do. The Narcissist is HEAVILY invested in their agenda to devalue you so they can maintain their power and control over you! Their attacks are traumatizing with their desperate convictions, lies, betrayal, accusations and so much more.
Narcissists do not think the same way the rest of us do as far as it concerns empathy, love, and support because it would allow us to be individuals that think independently or outside of their controlling and abusive nature. What is logical and reasonable to us, is the absolute opposite to them because it does NOT exist in their world. It’s one of the reasons healthy people get so frustrated and confused and ABUSED by narcissists. We would never consider making someone angrier or more upset – especially someone we value and love. To the Narcissist making someone angrier, invalidating their concerns and using it against them is part of their agenda to devalue or abuse – it is basically controlling another person. Seriously they are only bullies and cowards that always lurk in the shadows to hide their real identity with their lies, manipulation and disordered lifestyle. Control is power in their world and the end result is ALWAYS abuse as it concerns people that have any connection to them! The process to recovery involves reversing the negative conditioning and desensitizing the horrendous messages that stole your reality, self-esteem, feeling of worth, and goodness. This all starts with no/minimal contact to achieve this clarity once more by ending the cycle of abuse with this Narcissist! Greg
Why, why, why, why?? We NEED to know why, so here it is in simple and non-clinical words. (A little more affirmation to digest).
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
There are theories upon theories as they concern a Narcissist and what they are, what they feel, why they do what they do, can they be fixed, and all the other what’s and whys! What about what you feel now from having gone through a dehumanizing experience, and a destructive or devastating relationship with one, or you are a child to a Narcissist? What about ‘YOU’ instead of the Narcissist. This is where you HAVE to direct your energies, into your recovery and re-connecting with life.
You have put too much of ‘you’ into this fictitious and destructive character already and it got you to a horrific place in your life. You MUST internalize the truth about them to finalize the abuse or you will stay stuck in the cycle of remaining a target/victim to more and more of it WITH or WITHOUT them in your life. What would you NEED to finally make the connection that Narcissists do not have ANY emotional depth or reality and the image they presented to you was a HUGE vicious betrayal and con-job. They have ‘pretend’ emotions because everyone else in the world that they live in has emotions, so they have to pretend to have emotions and everything else that makes a human being normal so they can fit into OUR existence and get into our lives and heads. YES, you probably miss them, but seriously ask yourself WHAT IS IT THAT YOU MISS? Look at where you are because of your connection and answer that question honestly. You miss what you thought was real, but you don’t miss being abused and damaged and that is all you will ever get from your relationship with them!
A Narcissist’s shallow emotions are as real as a shark’s attempt to show emotion by saying they want to be your best friend because they are feeling a little bit lonely and they want to get to know you better. That shark will invite you over for dinner, drinks and some great chatting. But you won’t make it past dinner because you are intended to be dinner because that is the mechanics of that shark.
The Narcissist acts out in the same predatory manner that a shark does but with many disguises PERSONALIZED just for you to simply trick you into getting closer to them so they can essentially extort or devour your life. They do not feel any connection or empathy to honor you as a real person. With them there is no such thing as integrity, or a ‘give and take’ that is geared toward your rights or any normal or moral behavior AND especially as it concerns LOVE between two people. They want what they want and if you have it they pour out the emotions just as if you and the Narcissist fit together like puzzle pieces. Oh, they do know that ACTING morally correct is the thing to do and they understand every social rule, but they are disconnected from ‘right and wrong’ or the pain of remorse for having served themselves at the exclusion of other people’s rights. They abide by no rules, no laws or anything that restricts them from attaining their needs. These are the world’s biggest con artists that preach from their moral pulpits and then denigrate life in private. Definitely NOT want you want as ANY part of your amazing life!
Narcissists pretend they have feelings by mimicking behaviors that are all around them. Simply put the big ‘why’ is because they are predatory and NEED to camouflage themselves to fit in. If you think about it, whatever the reason a Narcissist is what they are, they have been born into a world where they HAVE to fit in with normal people. They NEED us to survive. Every aspect of their life involves interaction with other human beings. Nature at least affords us the opportunity to recognize a shark because it doesn’t look like us and has some veracious teeth that are there for one reason and that is to make an easy meal out of us. The shark stands its ground just by being what it is, an eating machine. The Narcissist creates the ground they stand on based on whatever they need to be to fit in amongst their prey and you NEVER see those vicious teeth until they are taking a bite out of your life. I believe that they should be call NARC-tortionist’s because they are an extortionist AND contortionist (or shape shifters, BUT the ‘con’ is aptly placed in the word too!)
They are acutely aware of their surroundings and they know emotions, or what YOU are feeling even if they can’t feel it themselves. They have observed people’s reactions to every specific emotion and know how to imitate it to get a desired response, even if they do not experience that emotion themselves. Just look back and understand how they were so amazingly adept at making you believe that they loved you and wanted you to be their life partner or whatever it took to con you into their abusive grip. Everybody that is reading this can’t deny that they believed in this Narcissist and what they were feeling WAS love. Nor can we deny that we learned the truth that they are very disordered and abused us. So, if you’re feeling sympathetic towards a Narcissist who hurt you, it’s likely because you were conditioned to feel this way, just like you were with the NEGATIVE things that this Narcissist ever did to you. They have to be adept at their mockery of life to achieve their needs by objectifying us and using what we have – WE ARE SUPPLY to this very needy creature – AMEN.
The Narcissists counts on your assumption and belief that he/she is the very real thing that you think or believe they are. That is what makes the relationship operative for them to extort their supply from OUR lives. They don’t ever change and they have ALWAYS been this personality disordered and abusive person – all you have to do is ask all of their ex supply or spouses and see the trail of destruction they have left behind and the pattern is right there. Look to the fact that their own biological children are also part of their grand scheme to lock a spouse in hook, line and sinker. Check the situation out after the fact and that Narcissist is doing everything in their power to avoid child support, using the court system to hide behind with more of their distorted lies and manipulation. Their children are there to use as a shield and DISGUISE as if the Narcissist is a great parent. Yes, they are always there for a picture or photo opportunity to publish on the internet, but that is as deep as it goes with them. Everything they publicly display is just as much of a con job as is their love bombing is to any relationship. They wear their lies like clothing to hide the scared and repulsive monster that lives so near to the surface of their skin. They always have a small entourage of supporters and supply that will obey and adore the Narcissist like puppets.
Narcissists get us to feel love for them without reciprocating a real loving response in return. It seems like they are loving us back, but they are reflecting our very emotions right back onto us and into us and this is as deep as it goes. They will get us to feel sorry for THEIR victimization without reciprocal sorrow or any remorse when they completely victimize us. They exploit people’s emotions, manipulate their feelings, pretend they are feeling creatures when they aren’t. They make you dance with them but they are ALWAYS leading their partner in the dance with lies and deceit. The Narcissist becomes intimately familiar with all of your loving and emotional spots and knows the correct buttons to push to gain your trust and admiration to fulfill a deceptive agenda.
They EXPLOIT your precious human emotions to make themselves seem human. They use this information to establish a strong foundation to create what seems like an intimate and healthy relationship. And again, as to the ‘why’ because they are biologically the same as you and I and they NEED the same things that you and I need like air, food, water, human bonding, sexual attention, money and everything else but they are not a fully functioning human being. Put that shark I spoke of next to you (with its mouth wired shut) and it still couldn’t successfully fit into any aspect of your life and achieve even one these needs and survive in your world BECAUSE it is a terrifying and hungry predator and THAT is all it knows. The shrewd Narcissist just cleverly disguises themselves by fitting in and becoming the best little boys or girls in the world! Just a quick note and some of my bad humor, Narcissists should also have their mouths wired shut because their words are poisonous and they are just as destructive and deadly as that shark’s teeth! Communication is their tool to manipulating, controlling and extorting their prey.
Seriously this is all the depth there is to them and this is all we really have to understand about them – BUT unfortunately, they triggered something in us that makes us attached to them at the hip and THAT IS LOVE. They conquered us with this single word (and imitating all of the required actions to support it) so we are right there with them and believing they are real. Because we have real emotions we supported every aspect of this love. They don’t have emotions to support it back with us and this is what fails them AND us. They want what they want, they play the game, but it is short lived because they lack the necessary mechanics to give back. They get bored easily because they feel no human emotions or feelings to connect to us, but they are in it as long as they can fulfill their every need and they exhaust everything we have and then they continue on to the next target/victim. They are protecting themselves from exposure, so combine those two elements (their needs and their extreme manipulation to fulfill them) and this Narcissist becomes a raging lunatic if you should ‘out’ them. They keep up the charade, rages and all, but they throw us a little bone to snare us back once again and then manage us down to make us feel worthless and thus disabling more of our reality. Remember if their true inner self was transparent to the world they would be rejected, writher away and die.
Hindsight unfortunately is 20/20 as they say, so you have to experience their deception and abuse to understand exactly what I just said. It is definitely not something anyone should experience because the destruction reaches the very core of your heart, soul and mind.
We have to remember and ACTUALIZE this truth about their mechanics just like we understand the predatory shark. If you think back to the Narcissist’s behaviors and unrequited love they professed, well you also knew something was not quite right. We couldn’t put our finger on it, but we knew something was off and WRONG. Their performance was always overly exaggerated or just plain flat, but it was never just quite right. BUT you always responded by caring and loving them more and they returned it with more abuse – that is subjugation, dehumanization and torture when all is said and done.
This is all we need to know to move forward and that is understanding the real reason we were abused. Put the blame where the blame needs to reside and that is with the Narcissist. Forget finding a magic cure for your Narcissist. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck it more than likely is a duck. If it lies, if it cheats, if it extorts, if it manipulates, if it betrays, if it brain-washes, if it wears a thin suit of morality it isn’t that duck, it is a Narcissist. We HAVE to accept this reality to move forward to our recovery (and I know I keep repeating this.) We have to do this for clarity and to feel healthy enough to reestablish the real life we once had and to become happy once more. We have to fall out of the blinding and binding love with this creature and throw those emotions away just as quickly as the Narcissist did to us.
Chart a course through new oceans and to new lands – and yes there will be these nasty sharks still swimming all around you, but you will learn how to navigate through the treacherous waters with new boundaries, but your goal is to find your way back to safe land and get your feet firmly placed back into a real life by moving away from their control. This can only be accomplished through breaking the spell (that love) and denying its existence every single time it sends you a twinge to want it back. What you will always get back is more abuse and lost time. You have the ability to change but you must overcome every single thought that will return you to that bad place where you think this love was real, it wasn’t it was ABUSE. There is real love out there and you have the ability to find it again because you are strong and awesome and you are here today to prove it. Slam that door shut and lock it forever. You deserve real love, dignity, and a life free of chaos. No/minimal contact is the ONLY way out. Greg
Narcissists use an arsenal of tools to debase, dehumanize, malign, and eventually destroy a person’s self-esteem, and overall spirit – this is psychological abuse pure and simple and they are ABUSERS. BUT beyond this truth is the reality that there are many targets/victims that have to deal with the destruction caused by a malignant Narcissist without having realized what is OR has happened to them. These targets/victims are not just wives, husbands, partners, but also biological children, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers and any other human being in every walk of life!
A Narcissist will employ cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse and shrewd manipulative linguistic or language patterns to CONTROL people around them and force them to question their own sanity. Narcissists will also smear their target/victim’s good nature/name behind their back destroying their integrity to others (friends, family, co-workers) so they will also start questioning the sanity of the target/victim. It is like a game of “power and control” through the use of these various methods so that the Narcissist is always in charge of their environment and controlling every aspect of it with lies, false appearances, coning people, etc. Narcissists have everybody around them fooled by their charm that hides their true pathological self and they are DANGEROUS to people!
When communicating, discussing, debating, or arguing with a Narcissist, a target/victim usually finds themselves at a COMPLETE dead-end. The target/victim’s logic always becomes incompatible with that of the Narcissist and they always get outwitted and then steered in the opposite direction from the original topic, especially if it is around questioning them (the Narcissist) or accountability as it concerns the Narcissist. Basically, communicating with them is like walking through a “House of Mirrors” at a carnival. Every thought you express is distorted in so many different ways that you don’t even recognize the original thought and it causes complete confusion– just like the many mirrors that are created to distort your image and make you lose track of your original starting point and destination.
If you say the sky is blue the Narcissist will somehow negate the possibility of it being blue to make you wrong. The Narcissist may even hint that you have certain psychological issues concerning your thoughts about the sky being blue. The Narcissist will even back it up with concerns that your friends, family, or associates have over your “wild allegations” of the sky being BLUE. Then the Narcissist will accuse you of having an affair and using your story of the “blue sky” as a diversion tactic to trick THEM. Finally, that Narcissist will employ punishment and the silent treatment because of your argumentative views, lies and betrayal concerning your “blue sky” story. The Narcissist then runs out to find a little extra supply on the side to betray you since they now have some “free time” after the chaotic and wild “blue sky” story. After a day or so they come back and tell you that IN FACT the sky is blue as if the issue over the blue sky never even came up at all, and you may even get flowers, or dinner, BUT you end up paying for it as usual! OH – and they will tell you that they were taking care of a sick relative and that is why you didn’t hear from them for that day or so that they disappeared. Do we call this denial on the Narcissist’s part that they are just this delusional or are they just denying us access to them using all of these “crazy and chaotic” diversions that deflect us away from the truth about them so they can get away with everything and anything? I believe it is all deflection and diversions!
The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication to divert reality and cause chaos so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is at the moment. This agenda is many things, but basically it is to secure supply, from us or from whoever else is willing to give them supply. It took me a while to understand just how this worked, as well as how my Narcissist would divert from every aspect of their life/lifestyle AND everything was always a mystery as far as the past and present. Let me put it this way, everything was MEANT to be kept this way so I would never learn the truth about this Narcissist’s abusive past, out-of-control lifestyle, as well as a very perverted lifestyle. Any time I would speak to this Narcissist’s mother I would find out about something that this Narcissist had lied about AND I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK because the truth just always seemed to come out on its own. So you can imagine just how much this Narcissist was lying, re-writing history and every other little diabolical action. I was always kept at a distance from the Narcissist’s family, but of course told that I never made an attempt to get to know them. So in a nutshell this is how they use diversion to keep us separated from the truth and the many lies they are hiding.
Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how WE are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask. Beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live and we SUPPORT just by believing in them.
How does a simple question concerning accountability turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are and they HAVE to protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade – BUT they have done incredulous things to betray and harm people!
Beneath that thin mask the Narcissist wears is the reality of their pathological self PLUS their WHOLE past of victims/targets they have abused and a raging temper that is like a volcano that can erupt at any given moment. YES, they are aware of their actions because they use lie after lie to cover up their abuse. Like a child that stole a piece of candy and lies about it to avoid being punished – so does the Narcissist at a monumental level. Remember their past is always following them and should they ever stop for a moment it will catch up with them and completely consume them because they are abusers that have damaged many people’s lives – even their own family. When the going gets tough the Narcissist gets going so they are off and running to new supply ALWAYS surrounding themselves with a protective circle of new targets/victims, NEW LIES, as well as a new and WONDEROUS life to shore up their disordered life AGAIN. This equation ALWAYS includes the demise/destruction of the previous source of supply and the “believers” that support the delusional Narcissist! Thus, the cycle of abuse that defines them as emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.
A Narcissist will also create vivid situations where they start a conversation off with an agenda in mind – one to create a smokescreen or diversion of some sort. They confuse the target/victim with chaos to perhaps divert a situation into an argument to be able to sneak out and secure some supply they acquired on the side, or just to debase a target/victim and keep them walking on eggshells or to cause constant anxiety to keep them CONDITIONED and a slave to their pathology. This is like being a POW or prisoner of war to the Narcissist – torture and all! This is what they do because what lives inside of them is such a disordered personality that if we were to even have a small glimpse of what they really are I believe we would be shocked even more by the reality of ALL OF THE TRUTH. I learned this about my Narcissist through talking to their friends and family and I never imagined that there was even more than what I experienced but there was/is, and the truth was beyond the capacity for me to understand. We see the tip of the iceberg and what is hidden beneath the water is monumental in size and so destructive to many people, especially IF THE TRUTH WOULD GET OUT!
One more thing to the “NAY SAYERS” that always ask why you couldn’t see this happening. I always go to this explanation about how a normal person tries to rationalize the crazy making or pathological nature of a Narcissist in a NORMAL way. On a paranormal show I watch they often explain HOW we rationalize a ghost we may see in a window. That window is reflecting some sort of image – be it the clouds passing by, a tree moving in the wind, or sunshine dappling through the trees. Our mind takes us to a place where we try to make sense of the reflected image in that window and like playing a game of connecting the dots our mind conjures up an image that makes sense – or simply when we look up at the clouds and see an image like a bunny, dog, etc. The point is we are human beings that rationalize situations. With this in mind it is the same concept when we try to form some sort of logic along the lines of what the Narcissist communicates to us. They employ lies and manipulation into every aspect of communication as it concerns us – so we draw upon that same imaging to TRY to rationalize or make sense WHERE THERE IS NO SENSE! We get caught up in this conundrum too often and end up enabling the Narcissist by giving them the benefit of the doubt because of our empathy and unconditional love – NO MATTER HOW OUTLANDISH they are. Our intuition should always be our guide with them, if it quacks like a duck it is more than likely a duck.
This is all done in a manner to control the target/victim and keep them in a constant state of complete REALITY QUESTIONING, “is it me or is it them”. The target/victim is always questioning reality where there is NO reality as it concerns a Narcissist. It is all part of the Narcissist’s agenda and a well thought out plan for them to keep their target/victim controlled by confusing, diverting/deranging reality, dehumanizing and basically psychologically manipulating the target/victim to keep them in a constant state of despair. Again, the most important aspect in all of this is the manner in which the Narcissist controls a target/victim starting this whole process with positive manipulation or “love bombing” to first gain our trust to destroy it and us later – after they have extorted everything they could from us.
Lies and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing reality, but the Narcissist also does this with an agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives, then blame and shame us into believing that we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity! There is no love or a relationship in any of this! No/minimal contact to gain clarity and your freedom from this chaos and this abuse! Greg
There are NO ADEQUATE words to describe the feeling of what this abuse does to a good, sane, and loving person of empathy.
You have been abused. You are a target/victim of abuse. You were systematically targeted, betrayed, and deceived by a disordered human being with a false mask of reality. A person manipulated you into liking them, getting to know them, trusting them and loving them. It was as real to you as it would have been to ANY OTHER human being that started out on a relationship journey. The experience of meeting somebody special and going through the process of dating and creating this relationship WAS NO DIFFERENT than what any other person would experience. BUT IT WAS DIFFERENT because you were being set up for abuse AND the relationship wasn’t REAL in the least bit, not even in the smallest way. It was all lies, a con job, manipulation, and a hideous betrayal.
It was pathological in such an extreme manner that it is just impossible to understand how another human being could be so cruel and abhorrent to lead a basically good, caring, and loving person down a road of psychological abuse that essentially could destroy or damage them for life. This is a feeling that nobody could ever understand – there are NO ADEQUATE words to describe the feeling of what this abuse does to a good, sane, and loving person of empathy. To understand the time that is lost, the EXTREME betrayal, and the experience of feeling worthless AND punished for no other reason than the fact that you were at the wrong place at the WRONG time and chosen by a predator to be their next victim of abuse. It is incomprehensible and takes so much self-reflection, strength, courage, love, and validation and a new journey that we must embark upon to fix ourselves now. Sometimes it doesn’t happen because many targets/victims do not even understand that they have been abused and they are convinced that they were to blame and have issues concerning their mental health because the abuse was PYSCHOLOGICAL RAPE and MEANT to make them feel crazy or even insane. They were intentionally led down this road by a malignant Narcissist and the ABUSE has disabled their healthy mental acuity so they also believe they ARE AT FAULT and live in that confusion and fog forever and NEVER recovering fully!
SAY NEVER! We never, never, never deserved this and most assuredly NEVER, EVER asked for this because of WHO we are. We wonder where our prince/princess charming has gone and WHAT HAS HAPPENED that made this go so wrong because now they are more like Dr. Jekyll and Mr./Ms. Hyde. Well the time has come that we HAVE to move forward and learn about these predators. We have ONE DIRECTION to go and that is forward and now it is time for some education about this abuse. We could only have wished we had known that this was abuse prior to this destructive experience – but how could we have known that this really existed and that there are predators out there like a psychologically abusive Narcissist.
Time to EDUCATE and LIBERATE yourself! Your knowledge will be your success in your start to recovery. Initially it will break the chain of this abuse and the chaos as well as that thinking that we can help them, cure them, use our ‘love’, fix and reverse this, change, plead, bargain or negotiate with this abuser. We quickly realize it is impossible and how the abuser wants us to react to keep us chained up in the chaos of this abuse. We will finally comprehend they have a problem we can’t possibly fix. Malignant Narcissists are masters at their game AND targeting our caring/nurturing instinct as well as capturing us through their fake ‘love.’ If you’ve been attempting to fix this over and over again, STOP and accept the inevitable failure of these attempts and accept the reality that they are what they are (abusive) and there is only one direction and that is OUT of their disordered world and free from them. We have to fix ourselves and right all the wrongs and return back to a real life and the living again.
Now it is time that we have to ‘be real’ about all of this and do damage control to save ourselves, and even our families, friends, career or basically our whole life from this attack AND yes that is exactly what it is. Just like being in war we must create and build a concrete bunker from this point on to protect ourselves from the enemy.
Their personality traits are so deeply ingrained into the cycles of this abuse that they are totally out of control and beyond ANY HELP WE COULD OFFER. They live a perverse lifestyle and have ridiculously bad judgment as it concerns any other human beings or most everything. Add to this that they just don’t care what they do and hurting others is simply part of the process of getting everything they want. They simply don’t care who they hurt, be it their spouse, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, biological children, friend, co-worker and even their pets.
They are not able to be in a close relationship or any relationship for that matter because there is no constraint in their life as it concerns their delusional and destructive actions toward other people and their out of control behavior in general. THEY JUST DON’T CARE and this IS just the truth we must accept to move on and away from them. They lie and betray to manipulate us into believing that they care so they can use AND abuse every aspect of our lives.
We mourn the loss of reality in our life, along with dreams, memories, time together, small laughs and shared experiences. We mourn the loss of our life as if a part of us was suffocated or died from this hideous abuse. Our emotional scars cause us to doubt and question the truth of this ugly reality. We are merely disposable objects to them, and that is incomprehensible to us.
The Narcissist will most certainly react to the use of personal boundaries (or our resistance to their control) but if we are to succeed and break the cycle of this abuse we have to build an impenetrable fortress to keep them out of our lives and heads forever. Violence is always a possibility with a Narcissist so keep this first and foremost in your mind ALWAYS. Be unyielding in protecting yourself with your personal boundaries as well as with your decisions and expectations. This will go a long way in boosting your self-esteem and ending the abuse because you are taking the control away from the Narcissist and back where it belongs with yourself. Refuse to be a target/victim and don’t be a willing participant in your own abuse by ever conceding to this Narcissist ever again.
There is of course pain in the process of moving on but ‘no pain, no gain.’ That seriously is not the best choice of words, but what it means is that within the truth of understanding this abuse many things will become painfully aware to us, things we can’t even start to imagine, but the ‘pain’ will help us ‘gain’ or achieve a higher plane of awareness that seriously will lift you up closer to your goal of recovery – the truth lights the way. In simpler words – or ‘Greg words’ – when we realize the truth in its entirety the awareness I spoke of becomes a real point of contention with us – to describe it in my own words – I was REPULSED by the truth and THAT pushed me so far forward into my recovery.
The process of ‘leaving and grieving’ is emotionally devastating and lengthy. Remember that there are options out there like professional therapy or join a support group to reinforce the fact that you are not alone in this. You are not JUST a victim in this abusive situation, you were targeted. In other criminal offenses the word premeditated is a word often used to describe an action that was thought out beforehand! Don’t expect other people (no matter how close they are to you) to understand what you have been coping with. Without having their own experiences with disordered partners or Narcissists, they cannot fully understand and they won’t be able to offer the real emotional support you need and yes, it is very disappointing to feel so alone without someone to understand and support you now. Don’t take it personally because you have enough on your plate already and you don’t need to feel abandoned and invalidated any more than what you already are.
Let’s think and talk about your emotions at this point. So I will say what most every other writer says – YOUR EMOTIONS will be on a rollercoaster ride with so many highs and lows. There will be many times when you doubt yourself, and question the reality of this all and WHY you. You can expect good and bad days, obsessive thinking, and thoughts of revenge, anger and serving justice. This is all part of the process of stirring up all the negativity and essentially externalizing or getting rid of it from our bodies and our lives. Keep a journal it is an amazing tool because it requires a commitment on your part to keep active and stay strong and on track to recover – it is also wonderful therapy. Surround yourself with good and normal people that can make you smile and even laugh.
Let’s talk about the relationship with ourselves because we need to be firm with ourselves too. We need to live in the reality of the situation to heal and move forward or stay in this fog forever. We have to ditch that ‘if only’ or need for closure THROUGH any affirmation from this Narcissist, or that obsessive thinking that keeps us hooked wanting to see what’s happening in their lives. We need to accept the necessity to detach and be strong to resist the urge to reconnect with them. Time is our best friend. If we do have to reconnect with this abuser because of obligations – BUSINESS ONLY!
OK so now we’re faced with ourselves and a big YIKES to this. Our self-esteem is crushed, we feel humiliated, and we are starting out on a journey we never expected we would be on. Out of the ashes comes some harsh reality. We may be ashamed to admit our partners were abusive and mentally disordered or Malignant Narcissists, BECAUSE WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT US. We may find we are care givers or nurturers who give and give until it hurt. Maybe we were naïve and vulnerable and easily deceived because we were at a bad time in our life. We may have addictive behaviors or a very high tolerance for bad behavior, maybe overloaded with beautiful empathy. We may learn we were raised in homes we once thought as normal to find we were preconditioned to accepting bizarre or even addictive behaviors, or we look the other way because we grew up always looking the other way. We may find we have our own minor personality defects or issues THAT WE CAN CHANGE OR FIX.
As we learn about this abuse we will learn a lot about ourselves too. OK so ‘it is what it is’ and now we must move forward by first understanding that no matter what the situation is about us personally NOBODY deserves to be abused and never and I mean NEVER blame yourself for this abuse. This self-reflection is a new opportunity to grow by understanding the process of abuse and by no means a reason or justification for the abuse you experienced. Let it be a guide to help you grow from this terrible experience, and use it as part of the education to create a process to make yourself whole again and strong. Remember if you blame yourself or accept some theory that says you are responsible for this, you are only blaming yourself like the Narcissist did and essentially abusing yourself by saying that you are an unhealthy person and have always been that way and deserved this. Get healthy first – and with a healthy mind you will make the necessary changes and create the healthy boundaries you need.
Wow – here is something we must also consider. We are now the lucky recipients of some rare first-hand knowledge of these shape shifters, or flesh and blood human impersonators. We all know that there is no such thing as bad knowledge. Down the road, we do emerge from this experience a lot smarter, more self-aware, and with new and strong boundaries. Be good to yourself and surround yourself with those GOOD people who deserve your special talents, abilities and love. There is a wonderful world waiting out there BUT we have to remember that life is not always about a prince/princess charming being the center of our universe. That is a fable to understand what love could be and it can be – but don’t forget that there are also the fables and stories out there about the monsters that ALSO could be or can be out there too. When you become strong and whole again you will adapt to a life that is somewhere in between the fairy tales and monster stories because a healthy you is the key to life.
What will become one of the strongest esteem building tools in OUR arsenal is the power that comes from removing ourselves from the abuse because “we get it” and we become empowered by the truth and we now create something called ‘healthy silence.’ This healthy silence is called NO CONTACT born out of the NEED to escape the constant chaos as well as separate and distance ourselves physically, emotionally and verbally from a disordered and dangerous Narcissist. Time and distance have a wonderful way of bringing clarity to the situation and the fastest way to heal. These abusers will leave us in the most emotionally crushing way they can because this is what they do! They choose the perfect timing and they inflict great emotional devastation, and they also enjoy doing it. They take what is near and dear to us and crush it as they casually walk away. In time we realize the relationship was doomed to failure, but we didn’t realize that until now or when it was too late and the damage has been inflicted on our emotional well-being! We will undergo many changes in our ways of thinking about our situations and life in general and a very painful change of our expectations. Basically, we have experienced the nearest thing to darkness that we will ever have the unfortunate and hideous opportunity to ever experience again. You deserve so much more because of the amazing person you really are so find the road back to recognizing those great qualities again so you can rejoin life. Start with No/Minimal contact always. Greg
There are many ways that a Narcissist will confound or confuse your thought processes, isolate you, and hold you prisoner without that Narcissist even being in your presence. The Narcissist creates negative messages that trap us in our own heads. Be it raging, accusing, silencing, and distancing themselves from you for days, or whatever chaos they decide to throw your way. All of these methods are hideous forms of abuse to debilitate you/us and make us conform to their rules. They bait us with an argument or accusations, this escalates usually with the Narcissist taking it to a higher level of dysfunction, we are left dumbfounded with their hit and run message, and then they go into the punishment mode by running off or silencing us – we are left in shock or traumatized by the nonsense. LASTLY, we are isolated and left to our own devices especially when we try to rationalize any of this with our own mind.
I was continually accused of being unfaithful (which I was not,) and out of the blue my Narcissist would throw these accusations out at me. “I know you are on every dating/sex site looking to hook up!” “I ran into a friend when I was out and they told me that they KNOW it is you!” Then ‘BAM’ the Narcissist judge sentenced me to 3 days of isolation, confinement, and silencing! The argument escalated without knowing the name of the so-called witness, proof, or the ability for me to speak. I knew the truth as far as it concerned me, but I also knew that when one of these scenarios would arise that my Narcissist was totally irrational and whatever I said or did would only amount to an attack of rage. I was CONDITIONED to accept these insane bouts of accusations and rage as a part of my relationship. What was my rationale in this, or why did I allow the accusations? Well because I couldn’t escape the accusations or the argument or maybe it was temporary insanity from the chaos and crazy making from the abuse? Yes, I also thought my Narcissist was insane at times, but I wanted these behaviors to stop and somehow work through these things so we could get things back on track again. I was the insane one for buying into all of it and trying to apply some sort of rationale to ANY OF IT!
Basically, it was my Narcissist baiting me to create all of this as well as to divert and isolate my thoughts around this ploy AND purely PROJECTION – they call this game ‘bait and switch!’. In my mind I believed that my Narcissist ACTUALLY believed this and somehow, I had to prove it wasn’t true. That is just monkey crazy now that I look back on it. But in my mind, I justified all of this because I believed in something – the relationship. But I didn’t see the real direction and that this was the devaluation stage or basically the cycle of this ABUSE. Like the saying goes, “I was blinded by the light” or better yet the darkness and I wasn’t seeing what was really surrounding me. Slowly but surely, I was devalued to a place that these arguments became common ground and I had to prove my worthiness. I never realized it was a diversion for this Narcissist to gain some freedom to secure other forms of supply. So wham, I was tricked into this diversionary tactic, left in silence to sort this all out, and managed down a little more to accept the abuse. THIS became my normal in this relationship and they are shrewd with their tactics! Remember that this is a personality disordered person that is intentionally manipulating your emotions with cruel psychological manipulation that is meant to confuse and disable your thoughts.
The Narcissist’s actions are meant to leave us in a very confused and vulnerable state, one that makes us challenge our own mind and reality and then pull us further into the abuse. You/we throw reality, our intuition, and everything that we know to be true right out the window. Your persona has been eroded by the many mixed messages and confusion that a Narcissist creates and has created (in the past) with so many other situations just like this. A Narcissist sets this all-in motion with purpose and intent. The confusion keeps you frozen in time, vulnerable and blind to the reality that they are managing you down. This is the method to their madness to keep you/us right there with these distorted messages while they are away securing other supply, betraying you, or just using their damaging control on you/us or whatever they have going on. You are left isolated and attacking your own reality through their words and actions. They start the abuse and you finish it by going through the motions of blaming yourself and trying to make sense out of this darkness they left you in. REMEMBER the Narcissist preceded this horrendous managing down (devaluation) with their ‘love bombing.’ In the beginning we saw it (and still see it) as a viable relationship, but in fact it was part of their agenda to gain our trust first, then objectify us to harvest supply. An object just needs to be what it is, and serve a purpose and if it doesn’t function in this capacity, it is replaced. We aren’t objects so we have to be managed down to become one to serve our purpose for a Narcissist!
Just consider any confrontation (and this is what the Narcissist employs as a tactic) and how we are stressed out when someone in the normal realm attacks us blindly. Perhaps again in the normal world a friend, coworker, or family member, confronts you in a ‘hit and run’ fashion where there is no resolution or closure and you are left dumfounded trying to seek relevancy on your own – it is traumatizing. With a Narcissist these ‘hit and run’ attacks are consistent and administered regularly and part of their plan. Add the component of your emotions that you more than likely love this person and the situation becomes debilitating because you are bending your emotions to the point of breaking to resolve all of these conflicts. Over time we just end up complying by remaining silent because we know that if we challenge the Narcissist it will only intensify the situation and THAT is our huge mistake. This is what we call walking on eggshells or conforming to their crazy making. To me it was more like walking on broken glass!
Believe me when that Narcissist is off and you are left isolated they are doing what they want to do and they diverted your thoughts to get you to this place of total confusion and anxiety! You are left HAVING to deal with or concentrate on the distorted event without any resolve because there is no resolve to one of these delusional ‘hit and run’ attacks. More than likely they are out there betraying you in some form or fashion, otherwise they would be right there with you provoking more of their crazy making or throwing you a little positive bone to keep you connected. It is an opportunity for the Narcissist to flex their emotional and psychological muscles to control you and manage you down.
On one side of the spectrum there is us believing that there is relevance and reality to the relationship. On the other side is the Narcissist that doesn’t have ANY connection to us emotionally and our relevance is nothing more than that of an object that serves them. To take this a step further we are their 24/7 supply BUT they are securing supply every opportunity that they can and sometimes they need to create space for their freedom. Nobody in the Narcissist’s world has any more relevance than the other. This is the huge con, the one that keeps us connected to them at the hip – and it is a “funny thing called love” to us!
Once the Narcissist plants the diversion seed in your mind you tender it, fertilize it, and allow it to grow. They purposely want to isolate you with their distortions to disable you. Without resolution or their presence, you are only in a debate with yourself. With their distancing and silence, you end up believing that their lack of contact is proof positive that what they have said is real to them and somehow you ARE the problem and you must sort this out with so many distorted thoughts of your own to bring about some sort of reconciliation. They will go as far as adding more insult to your injury if you should attempt to contact them by flatly refusing to give in. They may embellish the situation even more by posting something on a social site as if they are enjoying a great day or perhaps even being with someone you may not even know. It is not unusual for you to look at their social site page because you are in a relationship with them. But once there you see some of the craziest posts, pictures, likes, etc., that are meant to confound you more and reinforce their crazy making. You are now deeper into this and your goal is to fix it at all costs because now it seems to be threatening the relationship completely. You have been completely managed down and believing that YOU ARE THE PROBLEM even when there is no basis or truth to it! Narcissistic terrorism (psychological and emotional abuse) to control you completely! What I was trying to explain is that the Narcissist uses control and fear to a point that you throw normal logic out the window to try to find a cohesive resolution and the Narcissist takes you through MANY steps to get you where you are today with this disabling abuse.
They are only fueling the abuse with their subtle actions and of course the isolation period. Basically, they are leaving you alone with your thoughts that they have directed to manage you down, which only amounts to making you feel silenced, punished, vulnerable and paranoid. They made this real with their OVERT power of negative suggestion that baits you or puts you in a place of blame and worthlessness. You are always being accused or made to feel wrong for everything, none of which is real. You will keep cycling through the events looking for answers where there are none. You will try to relate to every other similar argument or situation and only end up blaming yourself more and more. You will reject your own common sense concerning this and label yourself in many different ways that make you blame yourself because the Narcissist has manipulated you to believe it is YOU that is the problem. Whatever the argument that led up to this you were managed down so many times before to believe that you and your thoughts are distorted – so you believe this.
They are subtle with their words that shift blame onto you but they are powerful enough to set this all in motion. They have consistently repeated this scenario with you so many times that the message is firmly planted in your subconscious and it always plays back to you with each and every new argument and it now becomes anxiety that turns into fear. That anxiety becomes imprinted in your mind. You haven’t resolved any of these situations and now there are layers upon layers of these messages that shout out to your conscious way of thinking. EVERYTHING is your fault and you must change!
What do you change because everything is born out of their rage and accusations that have no reality, but something is wrong, SO IT MUST BE YOU! In reality you know it isn’t you but SOMETHING is causing the Narcissists to react with all of this disdain. It is your reality now to resolve this and that is what you do by jumping through so many hoops and allowing the dysfunction to FUNCTION. They are out and about without a worry and they are not contacting you and why? They just don’t give a “poo,” but they will be back in a few days full of love and apologies. You know the routine so you will allow this one more time, and one more time after this, and pretty soon you have conditioned yourself to allow this throughout the whole relationship! You just want to get to the part where they say they love you and everything is OK again. BUT IT ISN’T!
Once we educate ourselves to see what the real motive is and how we actualize the blame because we want resolution to end the anxiety and fear, then we finally add the element of truth or reality as it concerns an abusive relationship with a Narcissist. It is these small steps that take you down the road of recovery and releasing from the blame they shoved into your head AND desensitizing the MANY disabling messages that brought you down to the point of feeling so worthless. Education AND no/minimal contact is the only way to realize the truth that this is situational abuse AND NOT YOU as in having anything wrong with you personally! The truth releases you, and then and only then you can leave that Narcissist behind or DISCARD them and start healing! Greg
Narcissists adopt and then discard belief systems basically to meet their needs of securing supply as easily as a person would change their clothes to suit a particular “look.” The Narcissist knows that identifying with another person’s beliefs is the basis possible bonding and acceptance or that superficial CHARM. It is a highly deceptive form of camouflage that Narcissists use every day to manipulate people into every aspect of their lives. The Narcissist does this because they lack real emotions and empathy so they mimic or imitate values, beliefs, actions, communication or anything that COULD be identified as having emotions as well as goodness to make the connection.
If a Narcissist can successfully identify with the targets belief, plans, goals, dreams, etc., the target/victim will often succumb to the deception and offer up whatever the deceiver is targeting. With the Narcissist it is total exploitation of the target/victim. The Narcissist employs this tactic with ease like a thief trying to find the right combination to unlock a safe, but with a Narcissist it is unlocking our mind. Narcissists can deceive by quickly adopting ideas and beliefs to meet their agenda to conquer and then abuse. BUT in fact they are not strongly attached to, or form true beliefs and values beyond their own grandiosity and self-importance and vast neediness.
In contrast a normal person can make connections with their own feelings, beliefs, emotions and empathy. This connection with one’s own feelings allows them to develop and live in accordance with real values that allow them to function to include other people in their world. A normal person that has developed a real value system does not violate this system by CHARMING people and HARMING them because of their particular agenda! Society has rules that separate us as the normal functioning human being with the opposite being a non-functioning or not fully functioning human being. Given that Narcissists are emotionally dead, then it follows they lack these internal mechanisms or signals and so they also lack constraint for their actions and impulses, and vast neediness – the Narcissist fits the category of non-functioning human being. They live in a world where they serve every out-of-control need because there are no constraints to stop them from acting on whatever they want. They lack empathy so they just don’t care and are not accountable for their negative actions. People become their objects to use for their short term or long term needs as well as abuse. They live in a theatrical based world where they wear many costumes to ‘fit into’ our world, but for one and ONLY reason and that is to con people into a situation to objectify them to meet the Narcissist’s particular agenda.
Narcissists know how to introduce themselves and engage with another person in order to find out their personal life story, interests, and ask who they are and what they stand for. They know how to manipulate you right into their lair with charm that is really a key to gaining your trust and to open your mind like a safe to find all of the valuables you have hidden away. Many people want affirmation about their beliefs and are open and ca become vulnerable when another person empathically affirms them or identifies with them as having a strong and common connection. This is what opens up our minds to the Narcissist so they can crawl in there and extort everything they can.
Narcissists manipulate others via faking emotions which most people read as being authentic and accurate, and respond accordingly as normal people do. The use of the right “emotion” at the right time opens up the person (target) to the detached and cold Narcissist who is watching from behind their own fake persona, like a predator stalking prey, waiting to seize the person emotionally. The Narcissist’s emotional camouflage is strikingly convincing and fools most people upon who they use it on.
Narcissist over compensate for their devoid and emotionless self with extreme charm or charisma, AND fake personality. Narcissists are seductive by nature and disarm others with seductive charm, talk, gestures, and alluring messages designed to appeal to the victim and connect with just what the Narcissist feels the victim needs at that moment. This is what snares the victim, especially when the Narcissist comes attractively packaged with a huge bow and bright wrapping paper, unfortunately there is no present to be found under all that wrapping and that huge bow – it is just a bottomless, dark and NEEDY empty box that you can fall into.
Narcissists exploit this human need to their own advantage by camouflaging themselves with EMOTIONS to create a connection or an open door to our brain through our emotions and hearts. Manipulation and positive affirmation of our “personal beliefs and likes” induces a form of disorientation, we begin to trust and then our identity or persona is compromised by the Narcissist. It allows us to feel safe, having our values/emotions reinforced and mirrored back to us, and establishes a strong connection and even love. Narcissists know that if they can take an individual in this manner and at this level they have that key to deeply penetrate and manipulate an individual. The victims are hooked and will deeply connect to the Narcissistic predator – simply it is the basic’s that we have grown up with and that is trust, falling in love, or loving a person. Unfortunately, it is not by any means normal because it is the act of the Narcissist manipulating us through mirroring to GET US THERE. It is not foolishness that we fell for this because the Narcissist is really good at this Charm to Harm scenario. What is there not to like about a person that initially treats us with respect and compliments our belief system and shows us empathy?
The unfortunate aspect with a Narcissist is that there is an agenda that follows where they extort and start attacking our belief system through horrendous acts of betrayal, brain-washing, gas-lighting, lying, stealing, etc., to virtually debase, dehumanize and destroy us. This is when the Narcissist reveals their pathology and act upon their destructive nature. This is the cycle of their abuse. This is where the Narcissist’s mask slips and the façade crumbles because it was all an act and the loathsome creature from within rears its fangs and attempts to devour us after they have gained entry into our lives. What is the sense in all of this – none, this describes their personality disorder and their destructive nature. It is not only extorting everything they can but destroying us in the process and to protect their identity so they are not exposed at the disordered person they really are. This was all just a process of being abused – there was never any connection at a human level – just a predator stalking, wounding, and killing its prey to feed!
Narcissists do not only use their charm and destructive manipulation only on partners and in relationships, this is their main tool they use in every aspect of their life. They are in a constant “manipulation/camouflage” mode charming every person in every walk of life. They will easily manipulate any person that can offer them something they don’t have that they want. Be it fame, notoriety, sexual connections, money, gifts or any number of things. Sadly enough this includes mothers, fathers, and brothers/sisters abusing other family member’s even parents abusing their own biological children. It includes work environments where the Narcissist triangulates other employees to damage the work force as well as bosses doing the same. They may hide behind the camouflage of the local church, a charity, political movement, professional group, or corporation. They may obtain a professional degree and have a career or profession such as a doctor, lawyer, preacher, CEO, or in the psychological field. The world is their playground and we are their toys to play with and throw in a heap.
A Narcissist need only join and listen to find out what motivates and drives a person or even a group. Narcissists will then absorb and mimic the dynamics available to them to exploit, pillage, and use every opportunity to take all the supply they can, ultimately causing extreme destruction to the people that they exploit. These are very tricky predators that play hide and seek with the world taking what they want from behind a mask and façade of respectability but behind it is a very dangerous creature that destroys people and lives. Greg
NARCISSISTS – what they APPEAR to be and what they really are – DANGEROUS AND DESTRUCTIVE TO ALL PEOPLE!
When most people think of a Narcissist, they picture someone obsessed with themselves, mostly their physical appearance as they gaze upon their image in a mirror with COMPLETE admiration of their own beauty. If that were only the truth, there would be many people in this world that wouldn’t have lost so much at the hands and the destructive mouth of a Narcissist. Most people have never heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a real condition certifiable through every psychological journal that is written out there. The Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) is the handbook for mental health professionals and outlines this specific disorder. Who reads those journals if you are not in the field, so most had to learn the hard way by being abused by one.
Narcissists are very elusive creatures, so you won’t find them in a therapist’s office embarking on a journey of introspection to get counseling for their personality disorder OR their abusive behaviors toward others. When I was in therapy I asked my therapist if they have ever treated a Narcissist AND the answer was a resounding ‘NO.’ A Narcissist will never enter into therapy because they are convinced they don’t have a problem – they may go to counseling for appearance sake only or to abuse medications. How unfortunate for those of us that have endured their manipulative and disabling abuse because they leave behind a high body count of targets/victims. It is the victims that are the ones seeking real therapy and how surreal is that!
ANY type of relationship with a Narcissist will leave a person doubting their own sanity after they have been conned in by them. The target/victim, and there is always a target/ victim, is left in total shock, with their jaw dropping to the floor, shaking their head and wondering, “What has happened?”
Then, try talking about your experiences with a Narcissist or describe the abuse to friends, family, a loved one or even a stranger. If you try to explain the disorder through YOUR personal experiences, people will look at you like you have three heads on your shoulders and none of them are talking or making any sense.
It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism too) HAVEN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who just don’t have any closeness or role in their life to see reality of who and what they are in private. Once you get emotionally close to a Narcissist, THEN AND ONLY THEN do you get to see them drop their carefully crafted and charming mask that hides the out-of-control and abusive creature hiding behind it AND that is after they have TOTALLY fooled and conned you and then it is too late because the damage is already done.
A Narcissist is so seductive that he/she makes you believe in him/her with your whole heart, mind and soul. Unfortunately for all who tread on this emotional rollercoaster with a Narcissist they don’t realize just how dangerous this connection with them is. The charm a Narcissist utilizes creates an oblivious feeling of being connected or very attracted to most everything about them. We can become fascinated with someone because of their physical beauty BUT a charming and captivating Narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks, definitely, can increase the magnetic pull towards the narcissist, but that is not at the core of this abuse, it is the manufactured charm that is a psychologically and deceptive tool used to manipulate, condition, manage you down and control you.
They charm people to death (figuratively) and this is what literally attracts us to them. But with a Narcissist it is a magnetism that makes you feel a sort of hypnotizing attraction that manifests itself in your psyche and your soul! In reality you are being charmed by their power of REFLECTING back everything that is YOU creating this intoxicating and deep rooted bond. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you’ve known them a long time, soul mates, or you feel very safe with them – perhaps you have known them in a prior life or whatever fantasy belief that Narcissist has instilled in your mind.
This is the Narcissists goal and they are the biggest con artists that exist and they mean to extort everything they can from you. They have unlocked the door to your head and they are planning on using that entry to their advantage. They will move right in manipulate and manage down most everything that is your reality as you KNEW it. A skilled and extreme Narcissist knows just how to reflect your image right back onto you so that you feel like you are almost twins. What’s not to like and trust when you have EVERYTHING in common?
A Narcissist creatively figures out some unique and impressive angle quickly, and one that few people would ever engage in. Basically, they are manipulating your emotions. Narcissists can typically outsmart almost everybody. They are always ten steps ahead of you, so much so that it is uncanny. They are very QUICK with these unique approaches and “BAM” they have swept you off of your feet and keep you there. What else is there to do but bask in the glow of this unique relationship! You are undeniably intrigued by everything about them. When your relationship sours because the ugly truth rears itself with a Narcissist, you better duck for cover and be ready for a whole lot of damage control. They are truthfully characters that are akin to Dr. Jekyll/Mr. or Ms. Hyde – or in other words there is a facade that hides a calculating and dangerous monster beneath a very thin veneer of lies and appearances with an agenda to take what they can from your life.
Again, they are ten steps ahead of you and have already thought through how you will react and are ready to discredit, disable, and destroy you when they need to. You can trust that they are determined to humiliate and obliterate you to avoid exposure of the truth that they are abusive predators. More than likely they have already started another relationship well before they ended the relationship with you. It is always new supply and they will keep up this abusive cycle all throughout their lives.
A skillful Narcissist can tell anybody and everybody a great story just like reciting a well-known fairy tale because they are some of the greatest storytellers. They can weave fictional tales and lies into a complex story about themselves. They mesmerize you with amazing facts, statistics, trivia, history of events, to the point that you feel overwhelmed and just amazed at their acuity and accuracy. They are always the center of these stories, often re-writing their personal history, and lying to embellish the stories. One thing you can say is that they are hardly boring with their accounts of their amazing world and life unfortunately NONE of it is real and it is concocted to seduce you into their life.
They can incessantly talk and talk about most anything without skipping a beat with their interesting information. They are human chameleons that study human nature, but with a goal to further their power by enhancing their stature and to influence the people around them to get what they crave – supply. Undoubtedly, they exaggerate their every claim and position in their life. They are addicted to this omnipotence and we are what they need to use as a mirror to see this amazing reflection of themselves. Unfortunately, what they do in the darkness without a care to the people that love them is also part of the equation because the darkness within always finds its way out. So that charade and their ability to tell an amazing story is really there to cover up their out-of-control and abusive lifestyle so they can fit it by making themselves out like they are above and beyond the ordinary and someone we would LOVE to know.
They lie to weasel their way in and out of any situation and come up smelling like a rose. They are pathological liars in every sense of the word and hide their hideous and perverted life. This is the sad reality of a human connection with them and keep that connection going and the reality turns personally disastrous and destructive as the truth becomes evident that they are not fully functioning human beings and they will take your life down with them.
Narcissists work extremely hard at making themselves believable as it concerns their overt lies and myths about themselves. They arm themselves with a vast array of learned information they have harvested through their observations of other humans. They acquire and then wear, personalize or enhance this information as if it is truly theirs. So, what is the goal with all of this? To snag you into his/her Narcissistic lair to make you supply them with the things they need and can’t get because they are a dark and manipulative personality that envies life, love and people. Unfortunately for those that fall prey to a relationship with them, they exploit one of the greatest emotions to manipulate you into a special place right alongside them and that is love and they LOVE you!
One word you will hear as it concerns a Narcissist is that they always appear magnanimous. All that really means is that they have to appear to be the better person that always takes that higher road of being “better’ than you by forgiving YOUR many mistakes and believe me they are judging everything you do and finding fault. They have many rules, regulations and laws that they make everybody ABIDE by, but they NEVER honor these same rules, laws or regulations which make them pathological hypocrites. The reality is they blame and shame you for things they constantly do behind your back. Well really this is projection and they are dumping their shame and blame onto and into you. They will also use their magnanimousness later to trash and destroy you. You MUST look up to a Narcissist so they can look down on you!
It is ABSOLUTELY amazing how a Narcissist can cover their tracks to hide what can only be described as their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle to most of the world. Remember they are not doing this just to be the amazing actors that they are. These are deceptive and abusive personalities that need this disguise to extort people and life using whatever instrument of abuse they can to achieve their agenda – the best words here are that they are cunning, manipulative, and harmful to any person that has any connection with them.
They create many theatric roles to cover every possible range in life to get supply. My point here is that they can also be highly “respectable individuals” in any facet of life like a therapist, judge, law enforcement personnel, a doctor, preacher, or just about anything. They will most assuredly use any power and authority they may have to create intimidation, distance, admiration, respect and even abuse. They are everywhere because their ‘false mask and persona’ is what we see first and not the personality disorder.
It is still operative abuse and they are very aware of what they do and will lie to protect themselves. Awareness is a big coefficient here and that shouts out the very truth that they have the ability to understand that what they do is horrendous and wrong, BUT yet they will not change or admit to their disorder because is serves them. They are in huge denial and will just write you off with many lies and destroy your integrity and hijack your spirit. More than often when they discover that you are on to them, they abandon you and disappear. They do this if they perceive that you can blow their cover and expose them as the abusive creature they are. Being fully exposed to the world is the greatest fear in their lives but the best medicine and cure is to remove and keep them away from ANY part of your life. No/minimal contact. Greg
At its very core, Narcissism is very simple – it operates on the principle that the Narcissist’s COMPLETE convenience and NEEDS comes first AND MUST ALWAYS BE MET.
A Narcissist lives in a world that is a self-made work of their delusional thoughts and actions, a product of their delusional imagination, a delusional façade that they create to pin all of their fake adornments on to be the amazing and omnipotent person that they BELIEVE they are – but the key word is DELUSIONAL because it is purely a self-serving world. It is all about appearances that are meant to DECEIVE people and draw them in. The Narcissist does not recognize individuality in people, instead people are mere objects to decorate or adorn the Narcissist’s world of lies and manipulation as well as support the huge façade – it is all about IMAGE and having ALL of their MANY needs met. We are the Narcissists audience that must continually praise their every word and action, as well as totally support their delusional façade that they are magnanimous human beings! The objects in the Narcissist’s world must not contradict the illusions or be BETTER than the Narcissist. So we all have our separate support roles, but more importantly we have to serve them and supply them with whatever it is that they want and for as long as they want us to.
This façade is the very tool that the Narcissist creates with all of his/her objects that affirms their invented reality. There is no continuity in this ‘false’ world because the Narcissist’s needs are so overwhelming that there are many little worlds in their one big fake world and each one is created with an individual flair for whomever the Narcissist is conning and using for whatever! My Narcissist had a few relationships on the side that I was not aware of! More than often the Narcissist can merely forget the present role they are playing or one of the many lies they have told and get discombobulated – but they are used to this and will deny any accountability about their inconsistency. I could always tell when there was someone new in my Narcissist’s life because of a new speech pattern, certain actions, or new words I never heard before because they basically morph into the new or newer supply! They will also borrow bits and pieces from their past relationships and intertwine them into present relationships because there is no ‘real’ personality to be found in a Narcissist so basically what you see or experience are things that they have learned from the past that help them take on the appearance that they are normal. They are predators that evolve with each and every new attack on another human being. We have to understand that this façade is the real agenda with these frauds no matter how emotionally attached we may feel. Simply put there is NOTHING real about them.
At its very core, Narcissism is very simple. It operates on the principle that the Narcissist’s COMPLETE convenience and NEEDS comes first AND MUST BE MET. This is not simple selfishness, it is the key component of Narcissism and goes all the way down to their “core” or what makes this Narcissist tick. So, whatever is convenient for them to believe about something is what they believe, AS LONG AS IT MEETS THEIR NEEDS. What that includes is how they construe events, how they construe other people, how they construe themselves – and all of this is done by a creature that has no empathy to care about their actions, lies and manipulation – just needs and only THEIR needs. Their reality is driven fundamentally by their needs and it is not a give and take relationship at all!
There are lies are in every aspect and at every level of their world, be it their ‘loving’ home life, with their family, their career, their religious affiliation, their friendships, organizations they engage in, etc. Lies at work, lies at church, lies at organizations, lies to friends, lies to the immediate family, lies to their significant other, lies to keep their secrets, just LIES UPON LIES! Yes, it seems like they are able to maintain some sort of stability with any given ‘so called relationship’, but that is only on the surface and it is just to support the bigger façade and usually based on complete and fake charm to achieve their abusive agenda.
They are amazingly good at it though! Think of the Narcissist as ‘The Pied Piper” that mesmerizes anybody that listens to his/her flute – and there are so MANY different and seductive tunes that trap most anybody. For example, you may believe that this Narcissist is exclusively yours but he/she has many other relationships going on even though they are pretending they are in a committed relationship with you. By compartmentalizing people, events, and actions with all of their secrets nobody is ever the wiser! They keep their dirty secrets hidden from the real world AND should you ever catch onto their lies they will defend themselves with more lies to protect themselves as well as destroy your integrity to stop you from getting at the truth or exposing them! You can also believe that Narcissist is probably quoting scriptures, preaching about how bad the world has become, preaching morality, and bragging about what a good parent they are too! But they are criticizing you and destroying your integrity behind your back while preaching on their pulpit to their many supporters that can’t see through the superficial charm. Oh, and yes, they are looking for and possibly securing new supply as they preach to everyone. Somebody always falls into their charm and lies!
Narcissists are just amoral with all of the crazy lies that are solely based on the Narcissist getting what they want and it is just that simple. Of course, they need to support the ‘great façade’ first and foremost so they fit into our world or else they would be rejected within a minute of meeting them if people only knew about the darkness inside of these creatures! Narcissists are here and walking among us to TAKE or a better yet extort what they can from every aspect of life through manipulating the greatest resource – PEOPLE. The emotional attachments we form with these critters are formed from the very lies that this Narcissist uses to drag us into their world! Lying to us about how much they love us is just what they do to get the game going. What a bizarre phenomenon to have to accept as a reality, or having to believe that another human being can con you into loving them so completely just so they can extort what they can from you and probably the person that is standing right there and next to you too. BUT again, they are so good at it and so seamless with their lies that we feel so personally attached to this warm and loving LIAR!
They will marry for years, even start a family and seem like a strong family person (mother or father,) but what goes on behind this horrendous façade (and in private) is a lying, destructive, and raging creature that couldn’t care less about their spouse or family. The Narcissist I knew used their marriage to cover up such a perverted lifestyle that it just saddens me to think that another human being could drag a family down to this level and walk away from them and even brag about their new lifestyle so openly AND inflicting more and more damage. They don’t care as long as they get exactly what they want! They lack any and all restraint when it comes to their needs as my Narcissist did and then turn it around and make light of their actions and even blame the ex-spouse. The truth I learned about my ex Narcissist and the destruction that this Narcissist inflicted on their ENTIRE family is beyond comprehension and should be criminal. This Narcissist to this day continues with the lies pretending to be an amazing parent with the silly minions that sing praises back to this Narcissist. I am also still an open target because of my writing and strong voice! The people that know the real truth (the family and other target/victims that were left with this delusional creature’s hate and damage,) are not any part of this adoring ‘peanut gallery’ that sing these praises – instead they are still the recipient of chaos and damage and stuck with this Narcissist. Does any of what I mentioned matter? The answer for me is no, but I am not in the direct firing line anymore – but if you have biological children and have to stay connected it can be a life of constant and disabling chaos dealing with them even if you have broken the emotional bond.
Life would be simple if we could just expose these critters, but unfortunately, they take their game to the highest level by abusing people to get their needs fulfilled. They take a target/victim to such a high with their lies that you can’t see the trees through the forest until it is too late! It is so personal to each person because the Narcissist knows how to get into your head and extract information to seem like they have so much in common with you! You feel this amazing love they have for you and then you are none the wiser that they are extorting your goodness, life and love while they are living their disgusting lifestyle in the darkness with whomever will participate. Families are created and years go by for so many targets/victims of this abuse and they are left trying to dig out from under all of the damage. Narcissists have troops all around them that have also bought into the façade and lies that support the Narcissist’s lies and games and they are none the wiser either. The Narcissist isn’t going to let you get near to the truth about the people they have abused, destroyed and left behind. They have buried all of those bodies under so many destructive lies that it would take a backhoe to dig them up and out from under all of the lies and destruction!
They get married and even their children become part of their huge façade and they easily leave them behind UNLESS they need them to shore up their façade/lies for some reason. Anybody that has children to a Narcissist knows this all too well – but Mommy or Daddy Narcissist will be there to pirate a family picture or occasion to use on social sites, and pretend that they are the most amazing and loving parent! Their minions all sing praises to the Narcissist just like they were trained to do. A picture is worth a thousand words – especially if you are a Narcissist that loves to post pictures for those praising words. The real parent does ALL of the work in raising the kids, as well as supports their real needs! You will never see much interaction from the children and family that have experienced so much disparity around the Narcissistic parent because they have lived the truth far too long and avoid contact as much as possible.
When a target/victim or ANY person falls out of favor the Narcissist will jump to action and do DAMAGE CONTROL rallying negative support against that person from everyone. They are like a heat seeking missile that is seeking out the target/victim that has fallen from the Narcissist’s grace! The target’s integrity is basically destroyed and they become an outcast (discarded!) This can continue for days, weeks, months or even years. It will only end when the target/victim has either groveled or begged sufficiently or the Narcissist has a new target to destroy in their delusional world and needs you back to strengthen their inner circle again so they raise your status back up so you support them again! The Narcissist calls ALL of the shots and decides when you have been sufficiently punished and shown sufficient remorse and all of it is dictated by the Narcissist’s needs once again. The Narcissist is a dictator in their world!
So, the coefficient here or what is common to every Narcissist is their pathological lying. The Narcissist presents this false self to the world, AND this false self is based on the image of who the Narcissist would like to be OR needs to be rather than what the Narcissist really is (a dark and soulless creature) and it changes with each and every new relationship. So basically, the main trait we MUST always associate with them is this outrageous and vindictive ‘lying’ that supports that false mask or front regarding the Narcissist’s supposed love for us, as well as the fake accomplishments/achievements, amazing lifestyle, fake morality, etc. Plus, we MUST actualize that the Narcissist’s compulsive and pathological lying means that the Narcissist will not be responsible or accountable for questionable actions BECAUSE they are aware they are lying and will defend themselves because it is the functioning component in their world. This Narcissist also uses projection, which means falsely accusing others of their crimes by dumping the shame and blame on them because it is some sort of delusional cleansing that the Narcissist uses. Narcissists also create third parties in their ‘camp’ as false allies, or to support a smear campaign against THOSE that dare oppose them. When applied vengefully, the Narcissist is capable of pathological lying to severely damage other people’s well-being and reputation. They are completely impenetrable and we have to accept this and move so far away from their distorted relationship with us or be destroyed! This is reality and this is abuse. Your freedom will bring you the clarity to move forward and start healing. No/minimal contact always. Greg
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
I want to describe some of the quirky actions and abusive behavior a functioning Narcissist puts into motion in their immediate environment to divide and conquer or basically control people. SO really just a little extra insight about some of the typical ways a Narcissist maintains their ‘center of the universe’ agenda or omnipotence. How they ‘operate’ as well as some of their manipulative reactions to distort our reality through blaming, shaming, drama, invalidating, making fun of your insecurities, and sharing secrets with others to triangulate and make you out to be the biggest piece of ‘poo’ in the world to build themselves up. This is all categorized as their manipulative chaos, crazy making, manipulation or how they take us ‘From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between!’
Narcissists will fake or imitate empathy, sincerity, caring, and honor under the guise of good intentions with an agenda to GET SOMETHING from you or anybody – they pretend to be the best little boys and girls in the world.
They blame and blame some more, and then blame again, NEVER taking personal responsibility for anything they do wrong which is most everything because their needs and desires can basically be described as out-of-control and they do NOT care who they harm in the process of getting what they want! Their needs trump everything else!
They are extremely HIGH maintenance creatures because they need your constant attention, praise, adulation, and deference to all of their whims, fancies and needs without a single consideration to any of your needs. Deprive them of something they want and look out as they reveal their true destructive nature through raging, put downs, and attacks!
They COMPLETELY lack all empathy so they just don’t care who they harm, use, or abuse! It doesn’t matter if it is you, me, their mother/father, brother/sister, biological children, friends, senior citizens, husband/wife, the pastor/priest, law enforcement officials, and judges – get the point they will psychologically ABUSE everybody to GET THEIR WAY or what they want!
They may put on a great show, even smile, hug you, OR even ask how you are, but seriously they are not interested about you as a living and breathing person, yet alone an individual that shares this planet with them – you are only supply and they WANT something! Think of them as a trained parrot saying “Pauley wants a cracker” but with them it is more aptly described as “Narcissist wants some supply.” There is no meaning behind the words with Pauley (the parrot) or the Narcissist (soulless critter) – it is just a learned behavior to get something they want.
If you ever dare point out one of their many flaws or an error they made, they will strike out at you in a poisonous and defensive mode like a venomous snake. They will counter any notion with anger, venting, rage, silencing, ignoring you with a cold shoulder, or abandon you as DUE punishment. Their attitude could be described as ‘how dare you attack any aspect of my perfection!’
They will create some amazing and exciting plans, but rarely will make them happen. They want you to anticipate their generosity but they will never offer anything more than the empty words. It is all ‘make believe’ or better yet manipulating you to believe and keep you connected to that false belief that someday they WILL come through with ANY of their promises Basically it is a ploy to make you believe they are giving and caring. Ask them about those non-existent plans and they will turn it around on you saying you just never seemed interested, or they never said this or that, etc.
They will create some form of chaos to upset you and then shift the blame onto you to purposely make you feel defensive – THEN they will belittle and devalue you for being defensive, saying you are ‘an angry person’ or over-reacting by taking everything so personally. Since they do this so seamlessly they always keep you in a place of insecurity and confused or walking on those eggshells. They totally invalidate your ability to have any opinion as far as it concerns their words AND actions! They always keep you frozen in place to deflect the truth of what they are AND they will keep you there forever trying to only please them until you stop believing and then they will just find a new replacement.
They will help you out in some manner but make you feel indebted for the little thing they have done AND they will keep reminding you of it! It invalidates the bigger picture of all that YOU have done for them.
They are psychotic story tellers, blowhards, braggers, brow-beaters, psycho-bullies, arrogant, big-headed, and everything they say is one enormous lie.
Whatever they may do to help you out, they will make you feel beholden to them FOREVER. But they are never appreciative or even acknowledge any help you give – they will even find some way to negate whatever you do for them.
They are extremely skilled at making and distorting your reality with their words, actions and manipulations basically conditioning you to crave their constant approval or become dependent on them and CONSTANTLY HAVING TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
They build you up then knock you down. They will make you feel loved and very special, then they emotionally distance themselves from you to keep you unsure of the relationship and your reality.
They are a mishmash of behaviors and actions that they have harvested from different people they met at different times in their life. All of their ideas or ways of behaving in any given situation are stolen from others – maybe people they know or perhaps think of as an authority or special. They will morph into these qualities like an actor memorizing their role in a play or a movie because they do not have their own ‘normal’ reality.
They push your buttons like an elevator, with constant ‘ups and downs’ to keep you off-balance blameworthy OR the very opposite of this with positive compliments to lock you back up into the cycle of abuse.
They groom you with subtle to extreme manipulation with a combination of charm and rage (harm) to keep you controlled.
Their sense of omnipotence and self-importance (extreme neediness) means that they will manage down the conversations of others and bring it back onto themselves. Whatever you were discussing that may have been personal and important always turns around into a subject that concerns THEM and your words are lost forever and diminished.
They are PATHOLOGICAL liars, using all forms of lies to deceive. To quote a friend of mine, ‘If they are breathing, they are lying!’
They treat people as servants and expect them to do mundane things or always pay their way, since they feel so deserving and too important to do them. They manage people down to be more of a servant to them without a voice.
They constantly use “I”, “me,” and “my” when they talk because they are the most important thing in the world – it is ALWAYS about them. To go a step in the same direction, it is always “me, myself, and I” and never ever “we” unless they need something so they manipulate you once more to believe in the “we.”
You will very rarely if ever hear them talk about their innermost thoughts, life, memories, or dreams, because there are none that are real and personal to them. They just LIE and make up situations to create a false image of their extreme goodness and amazing life. For example – they will pose in a picture with their biological children as if they are such a real participant in their world when they just happened to be in a situation where their spouse did ALL of the work and the Narcissist poses for the photo opportunity but did NOTHING real to support the spouse’s efforts in raising them.
They remain at a childlike level of maturity where there is never any growth – there is no operable maturity in their thinking and they ACT like a spoiled 3-year-old.
They express fake empathy, and use it as a tool that they con unsuspecting targets into their lair of darkness. They preach at that pulpit of respectability and morality where there is NONE in reality.
They only “give to get” by being nice or helpful expecting reciprocation. Always an agenda to get or take something as supply.
They present themselves as “having it all together or being on top of the world” never showing or divulging their many failures, weaknesses AND true darkness!
They shift to a defensive mode and/or rage very frequently when they feel threatened or are made accountable for their deceptive manner. This is a HUGE control mechanism to keep you in a subservient place or role in their lives or fearful of their retribution!
They apologize, but it is ALWAYS shallow and never means there will be a real change in the bad behavior they were called on, it just means they are reeling you back to abuse you more for supply and keep you hanging on ONCE MORE!
They deflect or run from their own problems rather than addressing them responsibly AND just blame someone else in the world. It is always YOUR fault that they did what they did!
They will demand your trust rather than earning it – and they will never be transparent enough for you to see any of their real qualities only the fake ones they create to shore up their ‘good’ image. They KNOW that they aren’t real enough to trust, so they always deflect to hide what they really are.
They see you as an extension of themselves, an object to use, you are never an individual and they will resist your every attempt at freedom from being their source of supply.
They re-write history, create incredulous and false stories, euphemisms, make up their own rules and laws but obey none. Their truth is completely FALSE!
They always talk about themselves to stay in control – our role is that of an entity like a mirror where they can stroke their ego through the false image they reflect onto us!
They find all of your weaknesses and exploit them to make you feel vulnerable AND they will use them against you by always pointing them out.
They honor NO personal boundaries and rarely listen or respect your “No.”
They will easily take advantage of others to reach their own goals without giving their actions a second thought. There is absolutely NO empathy or a single care in their world.
They will take or steal whatever they want from you or anybody. What is yours is theirs (without asking!)
Their façade is to always appear to be tough-minded, unyielding and unemotional to remain in control of others. But they will react to criticism with anger, blame-shifting, shaming or humiliating others to maintain their façade.
They fail to recognize people as individuals and consequently demean, devalue and dehumanize everybody that enters their lair of deceit. Their actions are dehumanizing and sadistic.
They are very aggressive, hostile, verbally vicious, MEAN, and will punish anybody that wounds their delicate ego. They will divert to their defensive mode and will rip you apart with their rage and disgusting mouth. They think nothing of physically making fun of somebody to empower themselves and this makes them feel like they are in control.
They will vocalize regret for their actions but it is for ‘show’ and only for a short period of time. They will soon rationalize it away with blame, shame, projection and basically dumping it all down our throat as being the problem and not them.
In some cases, they present themselves as ALWAYS being the sexiest, best looking and they will tell you how this person and that one checked them out and ‘wanted’ them. Their appearance is important, so primping in every mirror, and fastidiousness is common ground for them.
They talk in such inappropriate ways and believe that they are above reproach and we actually want to hear their perverse words or listen to their descriptive dialogue about their out-of-control lifestyle.
They will rationalize everything to make sure they always come out on top by negating praise that is appropriated to someone else.
They will steal your idea, your plan, your wisdom and EVEN your life and make it their own. They will fake their credentials, re-write history, name drop, lie on their resume or about their credentials – anything to get what they want without earning it the correct way.
They can create destructive chaos in any organization or business environment and cause dissention among the people that work there. This includes volunteer situations, church organization or virtually any group setting that they join.
This is a PARTIAL list of how a Narcissist puts their ‘crazy making’ into an operative agenda in every situation they can. An important point is that their abuse is never confined to just relationships they abuse every person and or situation that they are a participant in. Think about those toxic people around you that you just know will create some sort of reactionary situation EVERY time they are around be it at a family gathering, work, church or anywhere. It seems that there is always trouble where this particular person is at OR they always seem to put wedges in between people. Their abuse is all too familiar to their families, biological children, friendships, co-workers, and organizations they are involved in. Unfortunately, the closer you are to them the more apparent their abuse becomes. They charm their way into everybody’s lives and ALWAYS harm them. I coined the phrase from “charm to harm” because it describes the reality of Any RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. Allowing a Narcissist into your life is a train wreck waiting to happen. You must avoid them like the plague because their crazy making is really psychological abuse that severely damages people, their careers, and their whole life. No/minimal contact is the only anecdote to their destruction and poison! You CAN’T allow them into any aspect of your life! Lock them out of your heart and mind! Greg