Author Archives: ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissists NEVER come back in good faith, changed, or because they care or love us – NO they still see potential supply from us. JUST SAY NO!

Image may contain: text that says 'Ex recycling They don't come back because they are sorry or because they have realized you are the best thing that ever happened to them! a new trap because they are low on supply and need a temporary replacement or fix for NOW. Do NOT allow yourself to be recycled or a backup plan for a Narcissist. Just a new game that you do NOT want to play AGAIN. imgflip. From my Book: Greg Zaffuto -Author From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist'

Narcissists NEVER come back in good faith, changed, or because they care or love us – NO they still see potential supply from us. JUST SAY NO! Probably one of the most confusing and difficult things we all face when being involved with a Narcissist, is the crazy making ‘painful’ cycles of breaking up, followed by the HIGH’s of making up. Unfortunately, it is an inevitable process that comes along with being involved in a Narcissistic Relationship!


From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist

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https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468750462&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm


Many targets/victims always get caught up with the Narcissist leaving you, only to return back to the relationship? So the big question of WHY and WHAT would possess a Narcissist to hurt you so deeply, only to come back on bended knee, and beg for forgiveness? ALSO why does a Narcissist spend so much time trying to convince you to give them another chance, only to revert back to their cruel and abusive ways after they realize you have forgiven them ONCE again recommitted to them? Furthermore how can a Narcissist change like the weather AND not show ANY shame or remorse?
The reality is that most victims want to believe this behavior is based upon the Narcissists real and genuine desire of wanting to be with them, and wanting the relationship to work! The sad truth is that a Narcissist only returns back to the relationship to get a quick fix of supply, drama, chaos, or whatever serves them to keep CONTROL over you and to feed their addiction to constant supply.


It will resemble the ‘love bombing’ we experienced in the beginning of the relationship where the Narcissist puts on a great act, and uses their best performance to lure you back in and win you over! BUT almost immediately you will notice a drastic change in the Narcissist’s behavior again, and you will be reliving the cycles of abuse again or the idealization and devaluation stages! This becomes an ongoing process that continues on, even during the break up stages! It is insanity for sure because it will never change until the Narcissist moves on to new supply!


So Basically once you validate the Narcissist AGAIN by responding to him/her in any way, shape or form, The Narcissist has got his/her hold on you as well as a fix and the Narcissist will just move on to the next and the next best fix or high. Finding supply is just an ongoing thing with Narcissist because they need it like we need oxygen and there is no limit to who or what they use for supply. BUT remember this if you remember anything, you are not anything to them no matter how much you love them or believe they love you! You are only one optional source of supply that they invested in for a certain period of time.


This is the VERY reason that targets/victims MUST remember that while we may feel some source of relief or renewed security by the Narcissist’s change of heart, the minute you take them back, and the minute the Narcissist realizes that they have you again, they will immediately revert back to their old cruel behavior and abusive agenda. You must accept that it IS psychological abuse with all of their mental mind games, and the ONLY reason a Narcissist continues to come back is to ensure that they still have you right where they want you and to fill in the blanks as it concerns having a constant source of supply!


ALSO when a Narcissist is experiencing withdrawal from not having enough Narcissistic Supply they will immediately go into the pursuit mode coming back with the goal of winning you over once again – but they are only recycling us until they secure new supply again. A Narcissist does not and cannot be alone, they constantly need supply or someone to validate them. NO contact and always keep it that way! Greg

WHY do Narcissists always play the victim? Because it is just another mask/façade they wear to make their many DECEPTIVE agendas and lies work! They hide behind sympathy to cover up how THEY have abused another person – and use the opportunity to create a smear campaign against the very person they abused!

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WHY do Narcissists always play the victim? Because it is just another mask/façade they wear to make their many DECEPTIVE agendas and lies work! They hide behind sympathy to cover up how THEY have abused another person – and use the opportunity to create a smear campaign against the very person they abused! They also LOVE to play on and USE the sympathies of others for gain and while they are doing that they are also able to pull a ‘supporter or minion’ into the mix to help them condemn a past victim or destroying the reputation of someone they want to attack. Actualizing the truth empowers us and takes their power away. Remember that they have compartmentalized MANY sources of supply and have charmed them into their roles as they did to us to achieve every possible agenda..

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

A Narcissist is COMPLETELY calculating in every area of life to CONTROL people and their environment. They refuse ANY connection or obedience to the basic requirements of life or the natural moral laws as they apply to life and human rights – and they void all of that with BLAME and playing the VICTIM. Obedience to a Narcissist implies that there is something larger or better than what they are and they will never comply because it would define them as being weak to allow anyone to feel significant enough to be their equal or better. It is almost like the Narcissist completely relates everything in life to a measurement – but this measurement begins with them – or as the saying goes, the sun rises and sets on a Narcissist because they feel they are above all life.

The Narcissist creates the terms of how THEY measure life – so if they were a “tape measure or a ruler”, they would determine the dynamics of each and every measurement OR define every inch of every foot – and you can believe that it would not be consistent as it is SUPPOSE to be. The Narcissist has to be ‘that’ which measures (and judges) and NEVER that WHICH IS MEASURED and NEVER judged. Literally they “coin” the phrase “give them an inch and they will take a mile.” Well that and anything they can get their tentacles around. Along with this remember that they will ALWAYS move the goalposts – especially to keep our emotions tangled up trying to please them. THEN when it is time for them to move on because they found something new – they will kick those goalposts so far away and out of reach by making you and I out to be the abuser. That is their way of saying goodbye as well as a way of protecting themselves from being exposed as the real abuser. Victimization gives them just another path to avoid facing their past if questioned and just their lack of empathy. NO, they do not care if they destroy you or I as long as they are not outed. Remember too that sympathy is also another form of supply to them too.

A Narcissist is calculating for the sake of procuring power! Power allows them the control over others that they need to function and survive in our world. It also protects them from exposure and facing the truth of their own disordered and abusive lifestyle. This false mask hides AND protects the Narcissist from having to face themselves off in the mirror and see the reality of WHAT THEY ARE – a modern day ‘DENIAL’ monster that is destructive and abuses life and people. They most assuredly destroy a target that catches on to them, plus they already have the replacement waiting in the wings to pick up the whole process where they left it off with us, stealing ‘supply’ and sucking the very life out of the new target. No fuss, no muss, and never emotions or love just a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist has a new host ready and waiting – seriously this is the truth.

Their entire life is built upon this premise to find “supply” to shore up their façade and they will employ the most devious means at their disposal to get it. So this chameleon like Narcissist has many colors that help them adapt to every situation that exists that include every gambit of life – from like, love, dislike, hate, destruction and victimization – and this is all very functional to them as well as mechanical to them and their lifestyle to GET WHAT THEY WANT. The key thing here is that they are abusive and psychologically damaging to people because they loathe people and life and create personal battles to make us pay for their hate.

Nevertheless our first experiences with the Narcissist has allowed us to believe in a prince/princess ‘charming’ who have done great things in our lives like “loving us” so we hold on to/keep the faith, and live with this Narcissist’s amazing BUT fake integrity. It is our empathy, love and basic trust that are targeted. The Narcissist has bamboozled us through this wondrous and seemingly normal façade that IMITATES extreme goodness as well as fake virtues that we hold in good faith BUT really with little or no real accountability and that was a BIG OOPS. SO there within the problem LIES – the Narcissist is so very adept at circumventing the intellect and manipulating man/womankind by their craft or better yet craftiness that they have perfected all of their life, so they target us where it counts – OUR EMOTIONS, TRUST, and LOVE!

Because Narcissists have depleted or deleted their character so profoundly through choices contrary to the norms of reason or basic DENIAL, they will even begin to see themselves as what they project, mirror, and bounce off of us. If you are not governed by any natural or moral laws, but by the law of “whatever you want to be to get whatever you want” well then you hold great power, but you need to CONTROL the world to achieve this superiority, so the narcissist is fundamentally a dictator in all of their relationships because this is what they want to be – it is always about controlling their victim and using whatever they can to get there. In the end they will ALWAYS play the victim card to throw blame back onto us.

That CHARMING person that swept you off of your feet and became the HARMING person in your life will always become increasingly more and more transparent and shoe that VAST array of fake personalities. From beginning to end, this was a phony relationship that only offered you a toxic dose of fake care, love and real abuse. The Narcissist created a psychopathic bond through deception and manipulation – LIES, LIES, LIES – and we were seduced by them and maintained this relationship through self-sacrifice and denial. It is not what we wanted it was what we were led to do because of the vast arsenal of tools a Narcissist used/uses to psychologically seduce a target/victim. No/minimal contact so that you can return to a healthy life. Greg

There is NEVER resolution, closure, or a two sided conversation, or ANY type of a REAL conversation with toxic people only intentional chaos and drama – especially if THEY are cornered about THEIR behavior.

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There is NEVER resolution, closure, or a two sided conversation, or ANY type of a REAL conversation with toxic people only intentional chaos and drama – especially if THEY are cornered about THEIR behavior. We have to get real with our abuser and this abuse AND with ALL toxic people. What this means is that we have to see them for what they are and what they do to good and loving people and discard them from our heart, our mind, our lives and our world. We do this through knowledge, education, and support for the clarity we need to move forward with positive solutions.


From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From charm to Harm and Everything Else in between with a Narcissist

No photo description available.


https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468750462&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm


They are so very destructive and full of CONFLICT, jealousy, rage, insecurity, and hatred. A Narcissist has no real identity they are a HUGE void and what we see and believe is only an illusion built on their ability to CHARM, manipulate, and control other people to serve an agenda – THEIR agenda. In reality this illusion is built upon a parasitic relationship with you and me – in other words, they NEED us to be viable or real and they can ONLY do this by controlling us. Without us their illusion or façade is shattered and they become worthless and powerless so they are always creating some sort of FAKE persona to be able to secure supply. This is a hard concept to actualize because they seem so ‘real’ to us (at first) – BUT again the ‘real’ you relate to is the disabling control they have and have had over you that managed you down to the point of feeling worthless in their presence – it was all manipulation to get you to this place. It is very much just brain-washing and behavioral modification. You believed you cared or loved this person, but you only cared or loved an image that was meant to ALSO control you and eventually trap you into their agenda. A REAL relationship yields trust and that is what was at the heart of the Narcissist’s agenda in tricking you into this illusion of trust! I don’t like believing that people can be this evil, but I had to learn this to get back to me again by accepting the truth that monsters do exist!


While healthy relationships have room for respectful disagreement and consideration of one’s feelings, with the Narcissist, conflict, gaslighting and constant emotional invalidation become the norm or better yet part of their working façade. Gaslighting is a technique abusers use to convince you that your perception of the abuse is inaccurate. During the devaluation and discard phases, the narcissist will often invalidate and criticize your emotions, and displace any blame of his or her abuse as your fault. Frequent use of phrases such as “You provoked me,” “You’re too sensitive,” “I never said that,” or “You’re taking things too seriously” after the narcissists’ abusive outbursts are common and are used to gaslight you into thinking that the abuse is indeed your fault or that it never even took place.
Narcissist are also very skilled in a manner to dissociate any real guilt or shame that they should feel about their betrayal, dehumanization and antisocial behaviors. This dissociation is like a force field that protects the Narcissist from seeing their real identity and realizing how cruel their actions actually are. This dissociation also prevents them from experiencing any guilt. Dissociation is a difficult concept to grasp and basically clinical in nature. It means to block out a thought or emotion. In the real world we just say Narcissists DO NOT CARE and that is the basic reality with them. Watch them run off after they are exposed and start a whole new life again with new supply AND within days of ending their relationship with you. You will be blocked from their social media site or account, ostracized as being mentally insane, a liar, abusive to them, AND THEY HATE YOU. Just another HUGE wall they create to block how they abused another person!


Recovery requires a complete indulgence and openness to look inward. It is a process that requires education, introspection, spirituality, voicing your fears, connecting with other targets/survivors, and a therapist if possible. You MUST totally acknowledge the truth about this person you loved and that is that they are an abuser, psychological terrorist, and psychological rapist. The process begins when you say no to the negative messages left behind and open your ears and eyes to a new life that seeks out true goodness because it is still there where it always was. Finally you must put the Narcissist away forever because there is absolutely nothing that you need to connect with as far as it concerns them. That means any memories or any other thought about them! The wounds will turn into scars and you will come out of this with new boundaries, a new voice and your old belief system back in place but so much stronger. DON’T allow them to have a hold on your complete future! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

WHO and WHAT was this person we connected with? The unfortunate and horrendous truth – this was not a soulmate, this was a soulless-mate.

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WHO and WHAT was this person we connected with? The unfortunate and horrendous truth – this was not a soulmate, this was a soulless-mate.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists are acutely aware of their surroundings and they know emotions, or what YOU are feeling even if they can’t feel it themselves. They have observed people’s reactions to every specific emotion and know how to imitate it to get a desired response, even if they do not experience that emotion themselves. Just look back and understand how they were so amazingly adept at making you believe that they loved you and wanted you to be their life partner or whatever it took to con you into their abusive grip. Everybody that is reading this can’t deny that they believed in this Narcissist at one time and what they were feeling WAS love. Nor can we deny that we learned the real truth that they are very disordered and abused us

Narcissists get us to feel love for them without reciprocating a loving response in return. It seems like they are loving us back, but they are only reflecting our very emotions right back onto us and into us and this is as deep as it goes. They exploit people’s emotions, manipulate their feelings, pretend they are feeling creatures when they aren’t. They make you dance with them, but the Narcissist is ALWAYS leading their partner in the dance and the music you are dancing to are their lies and deceit. The Narcissist becomes intimately familiar with all of your loving and emotional spots and knows the correct buttons to push to gain your trust and admiration.

Seriously this is all the depth there is to them and this is all we really have to understand about them. The very unfortunate thing is that their charm façade triggered something in us that got us attached to them at the hip emotionally and with most that was love! They conquered us with this single word (and imitating all of the required actions to support it) so we are right there with them and believing they are real. Because we have normal and real emotions we believed only what we knew and thought was real so we supported every aspect of this love. They don’t have emotions to support it back with us and this is what fails them AND us in a horrendous way. They want what they want, they play the game, but it is short lived because they lack the necessary mechanics to give back. They get bored easily because they feel no human emotions or feelings to connect to us, but they are in it as long as they can fulfill their every need and they exhaust everything we have and then they continue on to the next target/victim. They are protecting themselves from exposure, so combine those two elements (their needs and their extreme manipulation to fulfill them) and this Narcissist becomes a raging lunatic if you should out them. They keep up the charade, rages and all, but they throw us a little bone to snare us back once again and then manage us down to make us feel worthless and thus disabling more and more of our reality. Remember if their true inner self was transparent to the world they would be rejected, writher away and die – that is why they abuse us in private. They can’t keep up the charade because there is nothing in them that allows them to bond so their spell over us lasts only as long as it takes us to discover the truth.

Hindsight unfortunately is 20/20 as they say, so you have to experience their deception and abuse to understand exactly what I just said. It is definitely not something anyone should experience because the destruction reaches the very core of your heart, soul and mind.

This is why letting go can be so hard for the target/victim because there are REAL emotions from REAL love that is strongly attached or mixed in with the psychological abuse and it confounds the recovery process just as it did throughout the entire distorted relationship. It becomes very confusing because even though it was all based on lies and a huge façade somehow you still love them and STILL want to sort through all of the deception to make it right with YOUR concept of real love – it was ingrained on your heart and mind. You believed in them and now the task at hand is to ‘un-believe’ them.

Being on the receiving end of Narcissistic love can, will, and does make us feel like we need to try harder because of the extreme manipulation or conditioning that they use to keep us hanging on and we spent vast amounts of time and energy trying to fix this relationship – that really is all that defines this relationship – trying more and more but never getting anywhere. We were given a vision in the beginning that this was real love and we became emotionally bonded to this vision BECAUSE that was part of the big game. Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try, we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person (our Narcissist.) BUT we believe that somehow, it is up to us to fix the relationship because that is what the Narcissist uses as control and power over us to keep believing and hanging on while they extort our entire life away from us. This Narcissist lacks any and all emotions, empathy, and love for anything other than itself. So, what is left for us to interpret? Superficial connections which are not functional by any means but meant to make us believe that there is something real for us there. A Narcissist can’t connect to themselves yet alone to anyone else so everything they do is superficial as it concerns a real relationship with people. They are amazingly adept at this game because it is part of their survival.

We constantly struggle with the vision of that love in the back of our mind (the one that we were CONNED into believing was real) to make the relationship work and make our Narcissist happy by working harder at the relationship. We are even asked (more like demanded by threats) to do things differently or do what this Narcissist wants but it only would lead to more demands and making us sink deeper and deeper into this distorted love. We are even offered an ‘olive branch’ and an “I love you so much,” to achieve a cohesive peace but again it is not real at all and the Narcissist cashes in on the lies once again! But despite our intuition or the deep-rooted sense that something is totally wrong this relationship it still feels familiar to love because that is what we hold onto to alleviate the struggles and pain. We begin to feel increasingly unhappy because we are never getting our needs met as well as totally confused and lost. The struggle to get this person to love and accept you is not working so you employ all kinds of tactics to try harder but to no avail. It is the vicious cycle of this abuse or the trap that keeps us running in circles until it ends, and that end is always devastating and destructive because of the psychological damage that the Narcissist inflicted that kept this toxic relationship going. The Narcissist just closes the door and moves on to the next victim, but that doesn’t spell happiness, that defines an abusive predator! In the beginning we believed we found our soulmate, but in the end we realized that we found a soulless-mate. What a horrendous journey we traveled to get to this truth! Now that journey must end, and we must go back to find ourselves again or recovery from this sadistic nightmare. It must end completely to do this with no/minimum contact. Greg

It is SO important for us to completely understand the Narcissist’s manipulation tactics to control us! The BIG PROJECTION – BLAME/SHAME and DIVERSION GAME!

Image may contain: text that says 'Narcissists THRIVE on manipulating our emotions to THEIR advantage! We MUST learn this and NEVER take anything they say seriously. They are purposely doing this to provoke us and to get a reaction that creates chaos, drama, and NEGATIVE emotions. Making people feel small, diminished, and on edge makes them feel superior, powerful, and in control of us! From my Book: Greg Zaffuto Author -From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist'

It is SO important for us to completely understand the Narcissist’s manipulation tactics to control us! The BIG PROJECTION – BLAME/SHAME and DIVERSION GAME! Understanding the Narcissist’s agenda of devaluing us and then projecting THEIR faults onto us all at the same time. Narcissistic magic to make them the virtuous one by turning it around and blaming us for what THEY do!


From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist


https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468750462&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm


When a Narcissist verbally attacks, devalues, or projects slander onto their targets/victims, they have two objectives. One is projection of course (accusing us of what they do), BUT the other is to “dirty a bright spot in your character” with whatever lies or slander they are projecting at you. It’s as though any shiny part of your image diminishes the glow of their façade and that just pisses that destructive inner child of theirs off. You can never be anything but inferior to them. This is of course the mentality of the Narcissistic terrorist, who must malign and tear other people’s integrity down and ultimately harm OR destroy them with what only amounts to a chaotic counter attack to protect their distorted and damaged existence.
Projection and smearing at the same time is a work of art for the Narcissist, and it is uncanny how Narcissists manage to accomplish it. It’s all in the way their words are carefully placed, because not only do they ditch one of their faults, they muddy up one of your virtues in the process until they eradicate all of your goodness. They are so glib and amazingly adept at “killing two birds with that one stone.”


Think about situations where they may have been caught in one of their many lies – and instead of accepting accountability they completely divert and accuse you of the same thing and then they start dissembling you bit by bit! It is all about getting that reaction as well – because that takes the situation into another direction and away from them. SO again this is done to get us to react – In turn we start our own projecting back to our Narcissist – but NOT in any manner similar to what they project onto us – we project in an effort to use our empathy and critical thinking to TRY to make things right or fix them. But remember the Narcissist is training us like a dog to make us do tricks. So we learn that by remaining silent, avoiding making them accountable, showing more affection, being so good to them, or loving/caring them before ourselves, we get our just reward. Basically we project a ‘happy face’ when inside we are conflicted, protecting ourselves, confused, manipulated, betrayed and demeaned. It is absolutely dehumanizing and subjugation pure and simple. This is why they malign all people – I have a new term for this and it is ‘hate bombing!’ Just like the ‘love bombing’ it has its purpose to keep us controlled BUT in a negative and fearful way.


Their projection works amazingly well because it is just so much crazy thrown at us that we are never the wiser or seeing it as projection because it is shocking and then once again it adds another level of the abuse and damages our chances of fixing things ONCE AGAIN – bit by bit they are erasing us. We react by wanting to set it all straight, so it just put us back into that place where we were explaining ourselves again and bending over backwards to fix another deluded accusation – another day another loss of who we are?


Again, remember none of what they said about you was real, BUT It was real for the Narcissist because THEY were doing whatever they accused us of — SO to cleanse themselves of the horrendous wrongdoing they have done, they had to project this onto us and see us squirm and basically punish us for their acts of infidelity. They essentially put themselves up on their grand pulpit and exclaimed that they were OUR sins as well as proclaiming their high morality as in they would NEVER commit such an act when they just did. This is how they dump the guilt and patch up their virtuous façade. It is ALL about the reaction, deflection, attacking our virtues, turning the blame onto us.


It is all very confusing when you are going through it. But understand and remember this, the Narcissist isn’t attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments.’ Consequently, when the Narcissist is conducting a character assassination against you or someone else, the gun the Narcissists shoots never hits one of that person’s real flaws, it is shot at you (or whomever) to just wound you enough to disable you. Believe me they will keep shooting and wounding you in the hopes of completely crippling you as time goes by because they have to do this to remain in control and protect their false life and lies.


OK, so the point here was to understand some of the mechanics that will hopefully help you release from the blame and shame that the Narcissist dumped into your head. You don’t deserve to carry a debt for the time you spent with this person. You ARE a normal and loving human being that is equipped with empathy and you proved that all along. Do you ever remember feeling like this before you got involved with this Narcissist? NO, unless you were with another Narcissist. You didn’t magically go from a good person to an insensitive, non-caring person that could do nothing right in this crazy and debilitating relationship. You are not crazy or insane either. You were abused by a very defective person that ultimately managed you down more and more until eventually you lost sight of the real you. You will become that real person you once were because unlike the Narcissist WE ARE ABLE TO CHANGE. You were disabled by the extreme tactics used on you. With introspection, time, support and real love, you can and will turn around. It is time for you to BELIEVE in yourself completely and discard everything and anything about what this Narcissist made you believe about yourself. They were a nightmare in your life, and now that you are awake and free from them it is time to put the real perspective or truth back into your reality that you are a normal and amazing person that has the tools to become whole again. You really have to use them to succeed, so PLEASE no/minimal contact to start you out on that road to recovery! Greg

Gaslighting’ the Narcissist’s attempt to drive you to the point of insanity.

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Gaslighting’ the Narcissist’s attempt to drive you to the point of insanity. BUT, what about when they said they cared, or were such an amazing friend, a family member, or love you? Well THAT was also gaslighting too to get you too a place of trust with them – all part of the bigger picture and plan! Gaslighting – let’s really understand the trap and all it encompasses – the charm, the manipulation, brainwashing, lies, betrayal, isolation, silencing, and everything else that these psychological terrorists traumatize us with. You are CRAZY, the source of ALL of the problems, YOU are forgetful, YOU lie, YOU drive me insane, YOU stress me out, YOU are obsessed and jealous, AND all of your friends and family AGREE! But I care so much about you and THAT is why I am trying to help you!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

A real perspective (one we NEED) and some education on that term ‘Gaslighting’ and how it endangers and DAMAGES a target/victim’s reality over a long period of time. This is the very tool that a Narcissist uses to drive their target/victim straight to the point of dependence, subservience, and insanity AND it all started out with them loving you so they can essentially disable you and take what they can or use YOU.

‘Gaslighting’ is purely the Narcissist’s attempt to literally make you believe that you are going insane! This term comes from the old black/white movie ‘Gaslight’ where a husband sets out to convince his very normal wife that she is insane because he is seeking out a fortune that is hidden in the attic. He secretly removes different things from their home and tells her she did it. He intentionally isolates her from others by convincing her she has issues and needs to be home and away from other people and the public trying to drive her to complete insanity. He uses her growing distress and confusion to prove to OTHERS that she IS unstable. The movie gets its name because the wife keeps noticing the ‘gas lights’ in their home dim and flicker which he is causing from being in the attic searching for this hidden fortune (in modern times it would be like our electric lights flickering), but the husband assures her that this is purely her imagination just like she imagines so many other things reinforcing that she has ISSUES – and thus the birth of the term ‘gaslighting’ to describe this extreme manipulation.

The term ‘gaslighting’ is now used to describe the psychological and emotional abuse that destroys the target/victim’s trust in their own perceptions of reality. People who distrust their perceptions are easier to manipulate and control so the abuser (Narcissist) slowly but surely creates this manipulative and purely deceptive scenario day by day until they have weakened their target/victim and they start to believe that they are going crazy, obsessed, or just not seeing reality correctly.

The classic example of ‘gaslighting is to change or manipulate things in a person’s normal or familiar environment without their knowledge. The ‘gaslighter’ then denies the targets reality by manipulating them into believing they must be imagining things, forgetful, losing it, etc. when the target tries to challenge these perceptions that the Narcissist forces on them. For example, the perpetrator will intentionally hide your car keys, phone or any number of things to make you think you are becoming very forgetful or even ‘losing it.’

Another form of ‘gaslighting’ is to deny the existence of the REAL truth through deception or outright lies and then blaming or shaming the person into believing they have lost the use of their normal reasoning as if they are imagining things. Another form is when the perpetrator denies that they said something in the past, or forgets solid plans you made by saying they never suggested this plan or event. Another example of this form of ‘gaslighting’ occurs when a husband/wife, romantic interest, etc., has cheated. The Narcissistic husband/wife or romantic interest will vehemently deny the affair and insist they are not lying and the target is just imagining things, or jealous and making things up. THEN they will turn the argument around and insist that they are hurt over the accusations and insist that you are obsessed and just starting another argument. They (the Narcissist) is sick of it and you better change or else! You end up apologizing and basically having to accept that you have wronged them, even though your perceptions WERE real and true in every situation. Unfortunately you have been completely duped and blamed for being real with your concerns. Nothing is resolved and you are still unsure of the truth so you are only confused and move on with yet another layer of this crazy making being unresolved. Lastly the perpetrator will revert to another tactic and will insist that other people like friends, family, coworkers, etc., reinforce this too by saying that they are worried about you as well and thinking you have issues. The Narcissist will even go as far as telling friends and family that the target DOES have issues working both sides of this HUGE manipulation.

It’s important to note that most psychological and emotional abuse is not always direct and verbal as the examples above. It can be implied with sarcasm, irony, or mumblings and can be communicated with body language, rolling eyes, sighs, grimaces, tone of voice, disgusted looks, cold shoulders, slamming doors, banging things, stonewalling, silencing, cold shoulders, punishing, etc. There are a myriad of ways to be psychologically and emotionally abusive and the Narcissist employs all of them to make you believe that all of the problems are directly related to YOU!

Narcissists frequently use ‘gaslighting’ tactics. Simply put Narcissists are cruel, manipulative, conniving, and convincing liars who consistently deny their wrongdoing and basically project it onto and into you so that they can fulfill their agenda of extorting what they can from you. Are they aware of this? Well it really seems so when they lie to cover up their indiscretions and manipulate to make us think otherwise! They MUST know they have done something wrong to deny the truth. They are cognizant or thinking throughout this entire process to achieve the desired responses they want! Couple this with the fake personal charm or better yet seduction to lure you in that characterizes Narcissists. Any way you look at their actions they are duping you into believing that your perception of love with them is real, THEN they also dupe you into believing you are a horrible person, THEN duping you into believing you may have serious issues around your own mental health, and lastly duping everyone around you into believing these horrendous lies to destroy you so they can move on to yet another unsuspecting target/victim to start up the whole process AGAIN and escaping any exposure of what they are and what they have done! EVERYTHING with them is a lie to support their needs and HIDE their agenda and they constantly repeat this process with every person that they are in a relationship with. They even dupe friends into their lives to use as supporters or minions to support their facade of fake goodness.

A Narcissist means to get into your life and head, get the supply they need so desperately, and disable you at so many levels concerning your mental well-being! This corresponds with cognitive dissonance where you believe the reality that a Narcissist presents through their charm and ‘love bombing’ or the huge and FAKE façade of morality and goodness they create, but intuition and facts rear up with a direct opposite reality or the truth of what they really are. It continually keeps you in a vicious circle of belief and then doubt and constantly back and forth between these two conflicting and confusing realities. This is serious business in understanding the truth around your abuse and just how thoroughly manipulated you were throughout the entire period of time you spent with this person. From the first day they met you this horrible attack on your emotional and psychological well-being started. If this is not understood through educating yourself and left unresolved, you will accept the negative messages, blame, shame or the whole nine yards and remain traumatized for many years and unable to move forward in a healthy manner.

This is NOT something that the target/victim has conscious control over because it is purely born from the lies, manipulation, isolation, and CONTROL. Intuition does come into play but because of the highly manipulative aspect of ‘gaslighting’ it seriously confounds, distorts, and disables a person’s reality. The charm or love bombing has created a strong emotional bond of love, and this is what creates that familiar, NORMAL and real relationship that you believe in – or what we have always understood a relationship should be. We probably weren’t familiar with Narcissists or the manner that they abuse good and loving people with fake empathy and love. Subsequently when the conflict that is created by the Narcissist’s opposite virtue of pure deception enters into the relationship, it works in direct opposition to what the target/victim has bonded with or the strong emotions of love and the normal human belief system. The target/victim reaches out to regain that position of love. That love is what keeps you attached at the hip with this creature because of those strong emotions that locked you into this relationship. Remember that real love has many other components that have been born out of our life lessons or the human condition that we were all raised to believe in. Those values are strong within us and along with them came messages to work at a cohesive relationship when you feel this loving bond with another person!

Within these internal messages we grew up with is respect for the person we love, give and take, integrity, being unconditional, understanding, forgiving, etc., or again what we were raised to believe in as far as committing to a person that we love – BUT that love the Narcissist initiated was just as much a part of the ‘gaslighting’ as were all of the negative and damaging things! A Narcissist knows this and snuggles right up to those values we were raised with to get into our heads, BUT the Narcissist never abides by the same beliefs or rules that we do, AND they do not love or care about people as anything more than an object to pursue and use. What a complete and hideous form of emotional and psychological abuse this is to betray a person through one of the most beautiful emotions in life – LOVE! This seems to be more of a well-planned out agenda from a creature that knows exactly what they are doing. Know this very truth completely so that you can purge all of the negative effects of this huge betrayal from your heart and mind to stop blaming yourself and know the truth that it is not YOU with the mental issues but the Narcissist that abused you so you can start out on your journey to healing and recovery. No/minimal contact always. Greg

Moving forward with the truth and CLARITY! We were methodically being erased bit by bit until there was nothing much left of us but a shell of a person we once were!

Image may contain: text that says 'Breaking up with a dysfunctional narcissist is like waking up from a coma. You have to relearn even the most basic things of your daily life. This is because during the course of the relationship with your narcissist, you were slowly and methodically ERASED! From my Book: Greg Zaffuto- Author From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist'

Moving forward with the truth and CLARITY! We were methodically being erased bit by bit until there was nothing much left of us but a shell of a person we once were!


From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

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https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468750462&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm


So we fell for the CHARM of a Narcissist, perhaps even fell in LOVE – but an unnatural and abusive relationship OR love is nothing even near a normal and it comes with a great price – the truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem, belief system, worth, and emotional wellbeing – BUT we totally believed in this person at first (and their scam). With that in mind we constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND lost ourselves at so many levels in doing so. Our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools through insidious CONTROL while we kept believing in them.


Their manipulation, betrayal, lies and acting out was methodically ‘conditioning’ us to provide them with supply and they stepped up the game to get the most, if not ALL they could from us until they were caught and identified as the monster they are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth and loss more and more of ourselves. We didn’t give them the power to abuse us, we MISTAKINGLY opened our hearts/minds with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise – AND THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO!


So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship) who believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, friendship, love, individuality, etc., AND a real relationship ONLY tried to follow the natural flow or path of a relationship. But what we didn’t know is that we had inadvertently set the stage for narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them – and that is a BIG NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM – it usually is when a person extorts or is a thief. A thief steals from you when you least expect it and they NEVER leave you a personal gift in return for what they stole – not a give and take situation – ALL TAKE like a Narcissist! Like a spoiled child, a narcissist will act out in rage against the individual who is keeping them from getting what they want – constant supply, admiration, adulation and total control over their target.


During what I call my “processing phase” I thought about all the arguments that seemed to come from nowhere and escalated to an “out of control” status for absolutely no reason. There were never any questions asked – there were always accusations from my Narcissist CONCERNING me. I was everything evil, everything mentally ill, I was perverse, having affairs, lying, cheating, stealing and anything else bad that the Narcissist could think up. It was the creative and DESTRUCTIVE mind of a highly disordered person acting out of their deep seeded pathology.


These were diversions and projections of what the Narcissist was actually doing, and they were shoved down my throat in an effort for this Narcissist to release from the shame and blame they should HAVE OWNED themselves for these hideous acts, lies and betrayal. Next it was to attempt to make me feel unworthy like I was all of these things wrong and bad and meant to push me over the edge. This defines the relationship with a Narcissist – totally and hysterically dysfunctional with an edge that serves the Narcissist’s agenda always. I reflected on some of the Narcissists arguments or statements that seemed so uncharacteristically insecure and childlike to me at the time. It was such a surprise coming from an adult, but I justified it and wrote it off as this Narcissist’s “immaturity.”


I wanted this Narcissist to be the person I believed the Narcissist to be when my heart assigned itself to loving this Narcissist and I was resolved about my beliefs. If you love them, you will accept them for WHO they are and work with them, time will work to heal all of this and the bigger picture was what was important. Too bad I didn’t realize the PSYCHOPATHY behind all of this. REMEMBER there was a great deal of CHARM or ‘love bombing’ so the Narcissist could gain our trust to get us to believe they were GOOD at first. I wasn’t overlooking the obvious because I wasn’t seeing the WHOLE picture or the lies, cheating, betrayal, brain-washing and everything else that is kept so hidden from all of us – this is why it is classified as abuse or better yet psychological terrorism/abuse because it leaves us emotionally and psychologically wounded – and that what the Narcissist meant to do.
Now ask yourself were you a mentally challenged person when you entered into this relationship? I would believe most would say no. Unfortunately as time went on you were described as practically insane by the Narcissist, as well as a couple hundred other things to make you out to be worthless and that takes time to purge out of your mind. You were managed down slowly but surely to accept this role with your abuser without even knowing it. You were blamed, shamed, told you were everything bad. With that in mind you were put in a role that locked your mind up in these distortions (brainwashing, gas-lighting, manipulation, etc.) and trying to do more and more to alleviate all of these so called problems you had to get the relationship back on track. The Narcissist was the driving force behind all of this to keep you trapped in confusion each and every day. Remember they had an arsenal of tools to do this because that is what they do and they are utilizing these tools with this new supply too!


What is perhaps, the most difficult and devastating outcome of a narcissistic relationship, mustering up the strength as well as adopting the position to accept that your partner was just pathologically abusive and cruel AND now you must abandon them and the relationship COMPLETELY. It is a difficult and unnatural process to have to dump your past completely, as well as your emotions, dreams, plans, the family structure (they abandon/abuse their own biological children as well), all of those years you spent together and the memories that are also fake. IT IS AN ABHORATION of human life as well as human dignity to use/harm/destroy another individual in the manner a malignant Narcissist does. After you get there you are then left with the arduous task of finding yourself again BUT it is a journey we must start to heal and move forward.


Apart from all of that, I live and I love again. It is an amazing life because now, I accept that there are people in this world who represent darkness and evil. It is not my place to fix them, make them better or to even tolerate them. Life is good without narcissists/psychopaths. I know myself better, I am myself, I love and enjoy and find the world a wonderful place to be in. I have good and great relationships. I know that I finally faced the truth and worked through it. I was not a deer frozen in the headlights and stayed in that position dazed forever. I was an adult with many resources and I learned to use them. I accepted that abnormal people had entered into my life. I accepted that they left damage in their wake and I needed to get them out of my life. Unless you do that, unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out. You will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU – it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life. Educate yourself and go “no contact” AND educate others once you understand the reality of this abuse and the damage it does to many undeserving and beautiful people. No contact always! Greg

It is IMPERATIVE that we STOP justifying ANY of their actions, ruminating about what we BELIEVED was real, or better yet believing anything about this Narcissist/abuser was real in order to SAVE our heart, our mind, our life, and our whole world!

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It is IMPERATIVE that we STOP justifying ANY of their actions, ruminating about what we BELIEVED was real, or better yet believing anything about this Narcissist/abuser was real in order to SAVE our heart, our mind, our life, and our whole world!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

I finally stopped believing when I realized I was compromising my own emotional and psychological well-being when my head just froze up with too much confusion, too many justifications to stretch my beliefs, and bending my emotions too much to meet the Narcissist’s needs and getting out of this horrendous relationship became my primary and only process. I was constantly spinning my wheels trying to always believe in what only amounted to lies and manipulation in EVERY aspect of this relationship with this Narcissist. This awakening AND the truth was the miracle for me that got me away from this Narcissist.

This is psychological abuse in a nutshell, a hideous and destructive daily betrayal by a disordered Narcissist. I wish I could put it into better words for those out there that are still justifying their life away and sinking deeper and deeper in this psychological abuse. Believing them only takes more and more of your reality away and they will take you down all the way if you keep believing in them and leave you with NOTHING!

All they are doing is delivering their poison with a little sugar to make it go down your throat easier. It is the mix of their lies, manipulation, betrayal or the cycle of their psychological abuse. None of which defines us as stupid or a fool – it defines them as psychological terrorists! Narcissists are TOTALLY self-absorbed and tend to be highly charming – let’s even say they are pathologically self-absorbed. They have a constant need for admiration, and addicted to their quest to find their relevance in any person they can source out and harvest even when they are in committed relationships. They view all events in terms of how the events impact and serve them and them alone. They are master manipulators and feel an “emotional high” with each new conquest. So, for an example and a quick fix to gain more admiration they may resort to “hooking up” for a one-night stand that requires very little effort on their part (especially emotionally) and it brings them a huge dose of that supply to feed that vast and needy void of a dark life. It is like us taking a daily vitamin supplement to boost our health, but a Narcissist takes on lots of ‘extra’ supply for any and many reasons on the side to boost their unhealthy ego. None of us have more or less significance than any other person they seduce into their agenda so please STOP trying to believe in them and their lies!

Their behavior is often edgy and impulsive which can often appear exciting to people. These individuals lack all empathy and compassion unless it helps them achieve their goals, so they don’t care if they hurt their spouse, partner, girlfriend/boyfriend, etc., because their out-of-control neediness rules their world. They are unwilling to see or EVER consider anything from another person’s viewpoint. They will continue the emotional control with a target/victim until the relationship becomes too burdensome – and that interprets as the non-narcissistic partner confronting the Narcissist or demanding accountability then it is the great departure and annihilation with rage, blame, shame and projection – it is OUR entire fault of course and they will lie even more to justify this and destroy our integrity and just move on as if we never existed.

They utilize no moral code or boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity, frequently offering marriage, promises, children, OR literally whatever the target/victim “needs to hear” in order to close the deal and secure supply (both long term and ‘extra’ supply on the side). You only have to wonder why they just don’t live out their perverse lifestyle without us, but they do need us because we shield them by providing a cloak of morality and invisibility by using OUR good qualities to protect them from real exposure – we are just a part of the camouflage they wear. Narcissists ALWAYS find someone and they even develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, deceiving without stumbling over their words, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal to find ANOTHER source for supply. There is always a lonely sympathizer out there to buy their lies.

The Narcissist I was with had an affair early on – perhaps a year and a half after we were together. I found out about it through a friend that stumbled onto the information. Now to exactly understand JUST how disordered and separated they are from reality as it concerns any human relationship this Narcissist actually wrote a poem for me the very night the affair started (with this extra supply) about love and growing old together (as it concerned the Narcissist and me). I was at a point that I believed that this person (my Narcissist) was someone I wanted to pursue a life with and vice versa. I would say in clinical terms we were at the height of the love bombing and this Narcissist was pushing for us to move in together or “going in for the kill,” but in true Narcissistic fashion had an affair without a single thought as far as it concerned me. The lies this Narcissist presented to escape the truth were not only ridiculous but seriously delusional and I was insane for believing them at the time!

The beginning of a relationship with a Narcissist is so fantastic that one falls head over heels in love and those emotions blind sight us to the very truth that is in front of us because the ‘love bombing’ is the most dangerous tool in the Narcissist’s arsenal. As time goes by, the mask is slowly shifting and shattering, and the true face of a Narcissist slowly starts to emerge. A Narcissist can change in a blink of an eye from a loving and caring person into someone who is capable of cheating, being emotionally cold, dishonest, rude, raging and uncaring. Why? Well let’s just say they are not capable of human emotions so all we are seeing is the false image they are projecting to keep us locked up in their scam! Without empathy and love they are cut off at the knees as far as moving forward to develop anything more than satisfying themselves and they get bored and constantly look for more and better supply. There is NO SUCH THING AS A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM! It is an opportunity for them to extort all they can from whomever they can trick into their web of pathological deceit.

Even after realizing that you are dealing with a Narcissistic personality with all the cheating, lying, shouting, criticizing, raging, making fun of you, and all of the other unpleasant things that are occurring on a regular basis, it can still be incredibly difficult to break off the relationship even though you know a Narcissist is not going to change his or her behavior. Their mental hooks are buried very deep in our heads and thoughts of breaking up can create feelings of hopelessness, depression, sadness, anxiety and trauma! Remember the Narcissist has been conditioning us in a manner to confound our every thought and action. It is sometimes an impossible feat for a target/victim to wrap their head completely around just how disordered a Narcissist is. Where do we pull this information from because this is more than likely our first experience with a Narcissist so we defer to what we know about ‘normal’ human relationships and that is as different as apples and oranges?

Narcissists are unable to put themselves into the place of another person as far as understanding what harm they are causing them. This is because a Narcissist is totally lacking that empathy thing. Narcissists act in very cold and cruel ways towards those who are closest to them because they have no internal mechanisms to filter the harm and disdain that they really have for life. A Narcissist acts sadistic in the full meaning of the word, being cold and insensitive towards the pain of others. Narcissists simply avoid accessing any mental “tools” that would personally blame them and just deny their behavior is causing great pain, anxiety and depression to the people who are close to them. They justify it with ‘blaming and shaming’ through MORE projection. Basically they feel that they deserve special attention in every aspect of their life. If they go out and have a one-night stand, it is our fault because we haven’t met all of their needs and we better get over it and start serving them in better ways than we have. Plus, they are slippery and slimy characters that aren’t going to admit to anything that deems them accountable for ANYTHING in life. Hmmm, isn’t that a cognitive process that defines them as thinking and knowing that they are doing something wrong and ‘covering’ it up to avoid exposure? Yes, so I would say that they quite possibly know exactly what they are doing and JUST DON’T CARE one iota about people.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and want to end the relationship, the most important thing you need to realize is that you are not really in love with your Narcissistic husband/wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. You fell in love with the unreal image you created of your Narcissistic partner in the beginning of the relationship because they were setting all the images and traps for you with their ‘love bombing.” When the true nature and personality of a Narcissist starts to show up you have already become too psychologically attached to that false and delusional image they purposely created, which makes it very difficult to end the relationship. This was the Narcissists goal!

You probably feel you will never find another person who can love you as strongly as this Narcissist and ‘ah ha’ that is the grand scheme or manipulation that the Narcissist created personally for you. You feel disoriented and depressed and you are trying to hold on to your relationship and make it work at any cost. But your “love” towards a Narcissist is just an illusion, a mental trap your own mind has gotten caught up in, and the Narcissist created. In reality those precious things you imagine you shared do not exist and never will. It may be hard for you to see this now if you are still with them, but believe me once the fog lifts you will see the truth that supports this in ways that will sicken you. It is the betrayal that destroys your spirit AND trust in the world and that is just another level of this abuse that prohibits you from moving forward to find a better place in your life. This will change!!

You must take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. The best thing you can do is to end the toxic relationship, which is slowly making you sick. If you stay with a Narcissist or this cheater and mental abuser for too long, eventually there is no love left, only a twisted version of something that will become a debilitating and destructive routine in your life. Don’t waste any part of your precious life with a Narcissist because the outcome will always be disastrous and destroys so much of you. PLEASE stop believing that you can do anything to change this or fix this. However, you can fix yourself and heal from this if you allow yourself to start on this journey! Go no/minimal contact to start on your journey to recovery. Greg

If it wasn’t for double standards – Narcissists wouldn’t have ANY standards at all! WHAT they say and what they do are ALWAYS two different things – their words are ‘blanks’ that they use to manipulate a person or situation to THEIR advantage!

Image may contain: text that says 'Narcissists are pathological hypocrites! They PRETEND to have values and morals but possess NONE! They are ANGELS in public but behind closed doors they lie, manipulate criticize, disrespect, and abuse! Their whole life is a double standard where they can do and say whatever they want but how dare you say anything back to them or criticize them. They have MANY rules for others but follow NONE of their own rules and practice NOTHING of what they preach. imgflip.com From my Book: Greg Zaffuto -Author -From Charm toHarm ndEverything else in Between Narcissist'

If it wasn’t for double standards – Narcissists wouldn’t have ANY standards at all! WHAT they say and what they do are ALWAYS two different things – their words are ‘blanks’ that they use to manipulate a person or situation to THEIR advantage! They feel completely entitled to everything and anything without ever earning it, working for it, asking for it, or showing ANY appreciation for anything – it is THEIRS to take and pillage! Narcissists view the world as their playground to take whatever they want and never give back – it is ALWAYS and ONLY about them and the deception and destruction they inflict in the process.


From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

No photo description available.


https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468750462&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm


What defines a Narcissist? ANYTHING they want that they can create or make up to achieve another agenda or better yet con job. They view or better yet PORTRAY themselves as omnipotent, moralistic, religious as well as many other things that they stamp onto their worldly resume – none of which have any real connection to who and what they are – abusive and destructive predators that want something from EVERY person they come in contact with and they will use whatever they can to CHARM it out of them AND then try to destroy the person they abused. There is no marriage vow, bond, or connection to love that prohibits a Narcissist from doing exactly what they want because there are no consequences they feel internally and really there is NO RELATIONSHIP with them.


It is ABSOLUTELY amazing how a Narcissist can cover their tracks to hide what can only be described as their perverse, toxic, and out-of-control lifestyle. Remember they are not doing this just to be the amazing actors that they are. These are deceptive and abusive personalities that need this disguise to extort people and life using whatever instrument of abuse they can to achieve their agenda – the best word here is that they are cunning like a fox – but always remember that they will attempt to destroy all of their targets/victims to avoid exposure. This is who they are and it works for them and they do NOT care who they harm as long as it benefits THEM!
It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism too) HAVEN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who just don’t have any closeness or role in their life to see reality of who and what they are. Once you get emotionally close to a narcissist, THEN AND ONLY THEN do you get to see them drop their carefully crafted and charming mask that hides the out-of-control and abusive creature hiding behind it AND that is after they have TOTALLY fooled and conned you.
A Narcissist never looks inward in a manner to see that they have a personality disorder, or that their world is built on lies and appearances – that is merely a clinical definition for us to sort of understand them. Furthermore, they never admit to being wrong, doing anything wrong, or having wronged or destroying the many lives that they do. However the Narcissists HAS wronged others, be it cheating, lying, manipulation, hurting them emotionally or physically, BUT a Narcissist manages to project blame on and into the targets/victims and everyone around them. They also have their minions and a new supply to support them or filter their lies through, as well as hide behind to avoid exposure.


In fact, the Narcissist will view him/herself as superior or above the rest of humanity. Narcissists do not see themselves as the SELF-SERVING pathological and destructive person that lives their entire life like a parasite using and taking advantage of others, objectifying people and then moving on once they have been emotionally drained and damaged a person. Nor does the Narcissist see how flimsy their thin veneer of lies, and false credentials are. No instead the Narcissist will project their false image and describe themselves as a hero of sorts or even a saint as far as it concerns humanity and their role here on earth BECAUSE it is their working mechanism in life because otherwise they are just a huge void! This is part of their disordered and damaged self that enables the Narcissist to live in complete denial of the damage they inflict onto people’s lives. There are no written laws, rules or regulations that a Narcissist will follow. They are in COMPLETE denial of their false lives! They have absolutely no notion or care as it concerns right and wrong or truth and lies because empathy does not exist in their world and defines their personality disorder.


The Narcissist considers him/herself above the norms of goodness and elude or defer that any of their action’s borderline being outright evil toward others. That is the double-edged sword that they attack the world with. The truth is that their lives are all about double standards or what serves them – if it wasn’t for double standards they would not have ANY standards at all. A Narcissist will stand tall and preach about morality as if all cheaters should burn twice in hell, but as he/she is giving their lecture from the pulpit they are also surveying the room to find a little extra supply to have on the side. But the Narcissist is not a cheater in their mind – they are DESERVING because they are special and above reprise for their actions in life.


The real definition of a Narcissist is that of a creature that is so preoccupied and focused on their every desire, pleasure and need that it completely blinds the Narcissist from reality and self-blame. The Narcissist re-writes reality to fit his/her delusions and with every taker AND it is like the Narcissist winning the lottery when they find a new target to extort and harm. They relish the chase and kill and love the spoils they have stolen from the very people that treated them with kindness, love and respect! CLARITY is what saves us and moves us onto recovery. Knowledge, education, support, and NO/Minimal contact! Greg

Narcissists are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim. They completely weaponize ALL communication with every single transaction they have with us – using familiarity, our likes and dislikes, our secrets, our fears, and anything else they can!

Image may contain: text that says 'Narcissists are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim. They completely weaponize ALL communication with every single transaction they have with us- using familiarity, our likes and dislikes, our secrets, our fears, and anything else they can! They use a vast arsenal of tools to debase, dehumanize and eventually destroy a person's self-esteem, and overall spirit. This is psychological abuse pure and simple and they are ABUSERS. From my Book Greg Zaffuto Author From Charm imgilip com Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!'

Narcissists are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim. They completely weaponize ALL communication with every single transaction they have with us – using familiarity, our likes and dislikes, our secrets, our fears, and anything else they can!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists use a vast arsenal of tools to debase, dehumanize and eventually destroy a person’s self-esteem, and overall spirit – this is psychological abuse pure and simple and they are ABUSERS. We have all heard this many times over, and it is a fact that these words are 100% true – BUT beyond this truth is the reality that there are many targets/victims that have to deal with the destruction caused by a malignant Narcissist. These targets/victims are not just wives, husbands, partners, but also biological children, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers and any other human being in every walk of life!

Narcissists CHARM people into their world and then reduce their spirits to worthlessness AND feeling so vulnerable and THAT is when they start with the psychological terrorism so that they can control their minds and basically use them or harvest them as a source of supply. A Narcissist will employ cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse and shrewd manipulative linguistic or language patterns to CONTROL people around them and force them to question their own sanity and reality AND in turn become dependent on the Narcissist for their reality. Narcissists will also smear their target/victim’s good nature/name behind their back destroying their integrity to others (friends, family, co-workers) so that THEY will also start questioning the sanity of the target/victim. It is like a game of “power and control” through the use of these various methods so that the Narcissist’s is always in charge of their immediate environment and controlling every aspect of it with lies, false appearances, triangulation, coning people, isolating their victims, etc. Narcissists have everybody around them fooled by their charm that hides their true pathological nature and that is what makes them dangerous because behind that mask of sanity is their deceptive agenda that will drain a victim of their worth, erase their personality, and then the Narcissist will just move onto another victim or victims!

When communicating, discussing, debating, or arguing with a Narcissist, a target/victim usually finds themselves at a COMPLETE dead-end. The target/victim’s logic always becomes incompatible or discombobulated with that of the Narcissist and the victim always get purposely outwitted and then steered in the opposite direction from the original topic, especially if it is around questioning them (the Narcissist) or accountability as it concerns the Narcissist. Basically, communicating with them is like walking through a “House of Mirrors” at a carnival. Every thought you express is distorted in so many different ways that you don’t even recognize the original thought and it causes complete confusion– just like your image in the many mirrors that are created to distort your image and make you lose track of your original starting point and destination.

THIS is my favorite analogy of how Narcissists negate most everything just to manage us down a little bit more and then even more! If you say the sky is blue the Narcissist will somehow negate the possibility of it being blue to make you wrong. The Narcissist may even hint that you have certain psychological issues concerning your thoughts about the sky being blue because he/she wants to manage you down. The Narcissist will back it up with concerns that your friends, family, or associates have about your “wild allegations” of the sky being BLUE. Then the Narcissist will accuse you of having an affair and using your story of the “blue sky” as a diversion tactic to trick THEM. Finally, that Narcissist will employ punishment and the silent treatment because of your argumentative views, lies and betrayal concerning your “blue sky” story. The Narcissist then runs out to find a little extra supply on the side to betray you since they now have some “free time” after the chaotic and wild “blue sky” story that has left you in shock, silenced and isolated. After a day or so they come back and tell you that IN FACT the sky is now blue as if the issue over the blue sky never even came up at all AND PERHAPS YOU OVERREACTED! You MAY even get flowers, or dinner, BUT you end up paying for it as usual! OH – and they will tell you that they were taking care of a sick relative and that is why you didn’t hear from them for that day or so that they disappeared. Do we call this denial on the Narcissist’s part that they are just this delusional or are they just denying us access to them using all of these “crazy and chaotic” diversions that deflect us away from the truth about them so they can get away with everything and anything? I say it is all diversions!

The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication to divert reality and cause chaos so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is at that very moment because THIS IS HOW THEY FUNCTION. This agenda is many things, but basically to secure supply, from us and from whoever else is willing to give them supply – it supports their false mask/persona. It took me a while to understand just how this worked, as well as how my Narcissist would divert from every aspect of their life/lifestyle. Everything was always a mystery as far as the past and present. Let me put it this way – everything was MEANT to be kept this way so I would never learn the truth about this Narcissist’s abusive past, out-of-control lifestyle, as well as a perverted lifestyle. Any time I would speak to this Narcissist’s mother I would find out about something that this Narcissist had lied about AND I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK because the truth just always seemed to come out on its own. So, you can imagine just how much this Narcissist was lying, re-writing history and every other little diabolical action. I was always kept at a distance from the Narcissist’s family, but of course told that I never made an attempt to get to know them – AGAIN just more diversion. Remember everything is OUR fault even the very horrendous things they do to us!

Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask, so beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live and we SUPPORT.

How does a simple question concerning accountability turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are and they HAVE to protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. They can NEVER see that real and horrible image of themselves reflected from any of us – that is why they create their amazing facades so the only reflection they see is the one they create that is all lies. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade. In the end when we KNOW the real truth they do a preemptive and silent attack with their smear campaign to completely destroy our integrity so no one will believe us when we start to tell the truth about this pathological critter.

Beneath that thin mask the Narcissist wears is the reality of their pathological self PLUS their WHOLE past of victims/targets they have abused and a raging temper that is like a volcano that can erupt at any given moment. YES, they are aware of their actions because they use lie after lie to cover up their abuse – but they just do not have the mechanics to care. Like a child that stole a piece of candy and lies about it to avoid being punished – so does the Narcissist at a monumental level. Remember their past is always following them and should they ever stop for a moment it will catch up with them and completely consume them because they are abusers that have damaged many people’s lives – even their own family. When the going gets tough the Narcissist gets going – so they are off and running to new supply ALWAYS surrounding themselves with a protective circle of new targets/victims, NEW LIES, as well as a new and WONDEROUS life to shore up their disordered facade AGAIN – and this equation ALWAYS includes the demise/destruction of the previous source of supply and the “believers” that support the delusional Narcissist! Thus, the cycle of abuse – they are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.

A Narcissist will also create vivid situations where they start a conversation off with an agenda in mind – one to create a smokescreen or diversion of some sort. They confuse the target/victim with chaos to perhaps divert a situation into an argument to be able to sneak out and secure some supply they acquired on the side, or just to debase a target/victim and keep them walking on eggshells or to cause constant anxiety to keep us CONDITIONED and a slave to their pathology. This is like being a POW or prisoner of war to the Narcissist – torture and all! This is what they do because what lives inside of them is such a disordered personality that if we were to even have a small glimpse of what they really are I believe we would be shocked even more by the reality of ALL THE TRUTH. I learned this about my Narcissist through talking to their friends and family and I never imagined that there was even more than what I experienced but there was/is, and the truth was beyond a capacity for me to understand. We see the tip of the iceberg and what is hidden beneath the water is monumental in size and so destructive to many people, especially IF THE TRUTH WOULD GET OUT!

Lies and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing reality, but the Narcissist also does this with an agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives, then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity! BUT here is the truth – you are an amazing person, you have all of your mental facilities, you can love, you have great empathy, and you are STRONG because you survived this and are here today. You will recover from this and be free from this abuser. It all starts now with education, knowledge and support. You will align with all of this and the truth of your situation and purge all of the abuse out of your life. It is a process that requires time but it is worth it because you will get your good life back and freedom. It all starts with no/minimal contact to get the clarity you need! Greg

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