Author Archives: ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse

They are pathological blamers and NOTHING is ever their fault, even how they abuse people!

They are pathological blamers that will terrorize your thoughts and words if you do NOT accept what they say.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

Narcissists are COMPLETE masters of spin and diversionary tactics to con people through positive CHARM and manipulation to win them over or HARM and control them with brute verbal force (raging), delusional reasoning, emotional withholding, lies, bullying, psychological terrorism, or basically abusive tactics – and THEN they will even blame a person for what THEY have done. If you’re involved with a Narcissist, you know these communication strategies firsthand.

When you present real facts (or any facts for that matter) that contradict their delusional beliefs, they bamboozle you by using off-topic tangents (diverting), changing the subject or creating a new accusation AGAINST YOU! Just to add a bit more clarity – it doesn’t even have to be something they disagree with – they will always try to bulldoze down anything and everything a person says to gain control and power over them – or again the phrase I coined that describes their motives – managing people DOWN. While you’re still defending your original point and its validity, the Narcissist diverts you into another direction (because you’re making sense/telling the truth) by jumping to another topic that’s completely out in left field to completely confuse the situation. They will go on and on to gain complete control over you and to remove any semblance of the original topic to win their game – by the time the argument is done you have forgotten your original thoughts because you are wrapped up in so many new layers of their crazy-making and chaos. What is the end result? Over time we just give in and lose a little bit more of ourselves – that is being managed down.

At heart, a Narcissist is a terroristic bully who will try to steamroll anyone who disagrees with them. It’s not just about keeping control of THEIR reality (or that façade built of lies), but controlling everyone else’s reality, too – even if they AGREE with the Narcissist. When you allow a narcissist to determine reality it would be akin to letting one of the inmates control the asylum where they are being held. We have the power to say ‘no’ to all of this – and that happens once we gain the clarity to see that what we are dealing with is a pathological liar and bully that has no concern for life or people – it is their way or no-way – so lets go the ‘NO-WAY’ and discard them completely from our thoughts, heart, mind, soul, and everything else we can to shut that door forever! Greg

A Narcissist is only as strong as what we believe about them – unfortunately everything is a LIE.

A Narcissist is only as strong/real as what we believe – unfortunately EVERYTHING is basically lies to lure us into their delusional and destructive world. The biggest lie was that word they loosely used or love! They do not know love, feel love, or reciprocate with the love you and I know.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

That grandiose, omnipotent and false self is nothing but a concocted and ever-changing role or façade the Narcissist creates so that they fit into our world like puzzle pieces. They create different roles to match the needs of the next AND the next person that they are conning into their world. We are only a reflection in the Narcissist’s many mirrors that reflect that grand image back to them and makes them feel real. The Narcissist is incapable of feeling, or experiencing emotions, love, growth or any human dynamic that involves any type of relationship with another. Relationships to them are a means to an end and that is basically extracting supply or conning people into believing they are real participants so the Narcissist can extort what they can OR use a particular person to gain something that they need. The Narcissist has fully mastered this dynamic or process of conning the world with the ever-changing charades they play with life because the payoff is huge and the only way they can survive in the REAL world. Their image is also important in this process so they APPEAR to be normal, moral and good because they have to keep their personal demons at bay through their projection or the real ugly projection that defines them! They are really great actors that take on whatever role will benefit them the most as far as a payoff! You and I are only bit players that support that role and make them look good until they find that NEW role and new players.

That grandiose, omnipotent and false self is nothing but a concocted and ever-changing role or façade the Narcissist creates so that they fit into our world like puzzle pieces. They create different roles to match the needs of the next AND the next person that they are conning into their world. We are only a reflection in the Narcissist’s many mirrors that reflect that grand image back to them and makes them feel real. The Narcissist is incapable of feeling, or experiencing emotions, love, growth or any human dynamic that involves any type of relationship with another. Relationships to them are a means to an end and that is basically extracting supply or conning people into believing they are real participants so the Narcissist can extort what they can OR use a particular person to gain something that they need. The Narcissist has fully mastered this dynamic or process of conning the world with the ever-changing charades they play with life because the payoff is huge and the only way they can survive in the REAL world. Their image is also important in this process so they APPEAR to be normal, moral and good because they have to keep their personal demons at bay through their projection or the real ugly projection that defines them! They are really great actors that take on whatever role will benefit them the most as far as a payoff! You and I are only bit players that support that role and make them look good until they find that NEW role and new players.

This concept is very hard for genuine or normal people to understand because we are wired with empathy, love, trust, acceptance and many other qualities that enable bonding and growth with other human beings – it comes naturally to us. The Narcissist depends upon creating this bond through lies, manipulation and that huge façade to gain our acceptance into their world because they harvest people to supply them with ALL of their needs. As rigid as this definition sounds it is merely the truth that any relationship we have with them is based solely on our interpretation of the façade they create personally for us OR acceptance and belief in that Narcissist as if they are REAL! The Narcissist just plays along as a con artist does. The love, dreams, promises, relationship, marriage, biological children, etc., is just part of the fiction as personal and believable as it all was to you! We are just the ‘new supply’ because this Narcissist is fleeing from their last criminal act of abuse and if you think back they were coming out of a relationship and whose fault was it as far as it concerned that last relationship – their ‘ex’s’ fault! They are ALWAYS the victim – and they are akin to criminals because of the disabling damage they do to escape exposure by destroying their target/victim’s integrity and sanity. We HAVE to accept the truth and define them in the realistic light of what they are and detach any and all emotional connection. You could get more love from a rock then you could from a Narcissist.

A Narcissist will completely lie to your face, without flinching, and there is absolutely nothing you can do but believe them because you perceive it as a normal conversation and trust that you are talking to a normal and honest person. In fact, the Narcissist does not even consider that their lies are lies at all because they are TOOLS and a means to an end. They ARE the truth to the Narcissist because it is just part of their agenda and mechanics to con you AND just their lifestyle. It is THEIR ‘game’ and facade that they need to emulate to seduce you into their psychopathy and support their agenda. This is just your turn to be used and abused because of your unfortunate connection. You were at the right place at the wrong time – or better yet at the wrong place at the wrong time and you are now the latest target/victim. You believe them, because we generally believe people and many of the Narcissist’s lies do not sound or feel like lies because their lies are all encompassing and personal as it concerns seducing us into their agenda. As people of empathy we have known relationships, know love, and accept it as part of life so this was seemingly normal to us.

There are little lies, bigger lies, hideous lies and everything in between – they are ONE BIG LIE. Unfortunately, on this journey the Narcissist will betray, manipulate, prey on your vulnerabilities and make you pay for your involvement with them. Their hate and envy burns inside of them and surfaces as if it is your fault that they are as disordered and lack any real internal feelings. They blame and shame you for their indiscretions in life. WHY – because in time you make them face reality and they SEE their REAL reflection in your eyes. They can’t accept the truth so they act out and make your amazing love wrong, and disable it as well as you. When you hurt they feel accomplished in the fact that they forced you to feel their pain as retribution for how the world has wronged them. They will never see anything else but fault in people and life. It would be like trying to house train an alligator and inviting it into your home as a beloved pet. It will eat you when it gets the first opportunity because that is what it does and it doesn’t feel anything but perhaps full after its meal! It doesn’t love you or regret its actions, it just feeds off of whatever it can get – so does a Narcissist.

We just don’t perceive most things people tell us as out and out lies meant to deceive us into an abusive situation, YET ALONE a person whose entire premise and life is built on one huge series of lies to extort and basically disable and destroy people through their actions. From the very beginning of your relationship you placed your trust and hopes in them, derived your energy, direction, stability, and confidence from your association or relationship with them AND it was real to YOU. They played right along and even encouraged this special relationship with them, BUT AGAIN this was all fiction and part of their agenda. Unfortunately lying is the Narcissist’s normal and part of their internal mechanisms – so the Narcissist wonders what the problem is because they pretend to be so supportive, pretend to love you, provide you with the benefits of their amazing charm and personality – so they are providing you a service and so what if it comes with a price? The Narcissist believes they are worth it and then some. You got something out of this so what if they completely disabled your life. If goes far beyond the lies because you are dealing with a creature that is completely void of empathy and can rationalize their lies, betrayal, how they extort your life out from underneath you and everything else, right down to the damage they have even imposed on their biological children because they are malevolent, and malignant abusers or a NARCISSIST. They are cut off at the knees as far as ANY connection or bonding with humans – if they can feel it then it doesn’t exist in their world. They completely walk away from their families without a thought except to blame to avoid exposure or people finding out the truth that they abusers and have committed acts of domestic violence. They will PRETEND to be a loving parent after the fact but that is just more of their façade to maintain that saintly appearance to the outside world and to STILL avoid exposure. This is their mindset and how they are wired and there is no changing them because they JUST DO NOT CARE.

The Narcissist creates a viable support system with their minions or cult members that the Narcissist also lies to and they are none the wiser to this creature’s agenda of abuse or that they are participants in shoring up the Narcissist’s façade of saintliness and goodness. The Narcissist creates their own little world of lies and fictitious stories that includes a ‘support team’ or minions that they charm into their life also. So if you were to question anything about the Narcissist and ask one of their minions, they will support the Narcissist’s many lies and say just how amazing they are because they believe the lies also. That Narcissist is a very shrewd and manipulative creature that controls their complete environment picking and choosing the RIGHT people to support that ‘big lie’ that is their life. Within the Narcissist’s support system, he/she also expects awe, admiration, adulation, and constant attention commensurate with his/her outlandish stories, assertions, and lies. The Narcissist uses their many ‘surface’ friends to reinterpret reality to any naysayers to fit the Narcissist’s fantasies AND lies.

With the onslaught of social media, you can see just how they network just like a politician to gain support. Simply put the Narcissist easily charms and seduces these minions to carry out his/her claims to be infallible, superior, talented, skillful, and omnipotent. If you were to get real with one of these support minions, they could not tell you much more about the Narcissist except what has been drilled into their heads (the lies!) The relationships are just surface friends that don’t go deep by any means nor will you find any sense of history as it concerns the Narcissist’s past because the Narcissist keeps their past away from their present and vice versa. NOW if you were to connect to the very people that the Narcissist had past ‘relationships’ with (intimate,) you would probably hear the hideous truth about this creature! I sure did – but after the fact unfortunately. Seriously in all of the years I knew my Narcissist I never met ONE friend from the Narcissist’s past because there were NONE. There were lots of stories about these amazing friends but none materialized! After all was said and done in my personal adventure with a Narcissist I realized that our role is to babysit these creatures, entertain them, pay their way, and even play ‘love’ with them until the truth becomes apparent about how dysfunctional and dangerous they are. Unfortunately, we pay a huge debt for our connections with them when we face THEM with the truth. It is sad that we do not know this until the damage has been done and THEN we have learned our lessons and THEN face a horrendous truth and a road ahead of us that we must travel to recover from the attack they imposed on our love and life.

Simply put the Narcissist is one big lie that was seamless because they laced it with so much CHARM and basically seduced us into a very damaging and dark world. We believed in them because they used emotions to tie us to their lies and just kept that charm going until we felt a real bond with them. That was the plan or gaining our trust so they could break into our life and use us or objectify us. What a huge production a Narcissist creates BUT again it is just mechanics like a predator after prey – camouflage and all. There is only one direction when you know the truth and that is getting out of this relationship and breaking all ties with them if you can or they will disable your heart and mind. No/minimal contact because YOU are an amazing person that deserves goodness, love and a real life with a real person. Remember that you are stronger than you know and every new day is a sign of your strength and one day nearer to recovery. You ARE just that good to become a real survivor because you won and sent that critter on their way because the truth emanated from the real love that lives in you and THAT is what defeated the abuse or the very thing the Narcissist used to trick you into their dark world. Greg

There is NO real self with a Narcissist – fake describes it best!

This sums it up perfectly with a narcissist – there is no ‘real self’ – but there are many facsimiles/facades that serve whatever need the narcissist may have at ANY given moment. It is all about their convenience and what serves them!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

A Narcissist is so seductive that he/she makes you believe in him/her with your whole heart, mind and soul. Unfortunately for all who tread on this emotional rollercoaster with a Narcissist they don’t realize just how dangerous this CONnection with them is until it is too late.

The charm a Narcissist utilizes creates an oblivious feeling of being connected and very attracted to most everything about them. We can become fascinated with someone because of their physical beauty BUT a charming and captivating narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks, definitely, can increase the magnetic pull towards the Narcissist, but that is not at the core of this abuse, it is the manufactured charm that is a psychologically and deceptive tool used to manipulate, condition, manage you down and CONTROL you.

They charm people to death (figuratively) and this is what literally attracts us to them. But with a Narcissist it is a magnetism that makes you feel a sort of hypnotizing attraction that manifests itself in your psyche and your soul! In reality you are being charmed by their power of REFLECTING back everything that is YOU creating this intoxicating and deep rooted bond. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you’ve known them a long time, have so much in common, soul mates, and you feel very safe with them – perhaps you have known them in a prior life or whatever fantasy belief that Narcissist has instilled in your mind.

This is the Narcissist’s goal and they are the biggest con artists that exist, and they mean to extort everything they can from you. They have unlocked the door to your head, and they are planning on using that entry to their advantage. They will move right in manipulate and manage down most everything that is your reality as you KNEW it. A skilled and extreme narcissist knows just how to reflect your image right back onto you so that you feel like you are almost twins. What’s not to like and trust when you have EVERYTHING in common?

They lie to weasel their way in and out of any situation and come up smelling like a rose. They are pathological liars and controllers in every sense of the word and hide their hideous and perverted life. This is the sad reality of a human connection with them and when you keep that connection alive it turns personally disastrous and destructive as the truth becomes evident that they are not fully functioning human beings and they will take your life down with them. Fortunately for some, we do eventually see the fakeness because they narcissists always get caught up in their many lies, betrayal, and inconsistencies – THAT is our ‘ah ha’ moment and that is when we must get out or be taken down by more of their chaos and abuse. No/minimal contact! Greg

A Narcissist will constantly keep everyone walking on eggshells, off balance, and controlled!

Communication with a Narcissist is harmful to our well-being. A Narcissist will crush any attempts from the target/victim to make sense of life/reality with them by keeping the target CONSTANTLY confused and walking on those eggshells or off balance and always controlled through the mix of chaos, putdowns, fear, charm, and harm. Their mode of operation is to keep us in a position where we are always reacting, overthinking, and trying to make sense where there is NONE.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Within the cycle of abuse with a Narcissist AND having to deal with all of the chaos, accusations, the constant blame, shame and punishment the target/victim only TRIES to make sense of the Narcissist’s hurtful behaviors in an attempt to fix things by overcompensating. By constantly engaging with the Narcissist it becomes too tangible or the victim’s new reality in a distorted and disabling manner. The Narcissist completely steers the direction by always reinforcing their technique with equal parts of love/charm and pain/harm creating a desperation that keeps the victim caught up in this overcompensating to get back to that cohesive and loving part of the relationship they once knew! Add to this the frequent belittlement in the manner a Narcissist will dismiss anything that is exciting or that inspires a target/victim. A Narcissist will crush any attempts from the target/victim to make sense of their agenda and keep the target CONSTANTLY confused and walking on those eggshells or off balance or basically always being in control of the victim disabling them emotionally AND psychologically.

Any dissention from a victim harms the Narcissist’s flow and need to feel superior or the omnipotent one in any relationship AND most importantly getting the constant admiration that they need OR the supply they are desperately after. In reality the Narcissist has a pathological envy of everything real and normal in people, because it discounts the Narcissist’s reality or better yet lack of reality and makes them aware of their shortcomings of WHO they THINK they are. This is expressed in varying degrees throughout the devaluation, discard and horrific smear campaign where they will trample their target/victim’s integrity into the ground to support their superior facade. Anyone who has shared a life with a Narcissist recognizes the chronic dispensation of such double standards and the many manifestations across all areas of life where rules and laws are applied that the Narcissist NEVER abides by. It is especially evident with children who have been raised by a Narcissistic parent or with this desperate, confusing, and disabling love!

As a consequence of this constant uncertainty is the consistent self-doubt and feeling of worthlessness that manifests itself in the target/victim’s heart and mind. The Narcissist is not only manipulating the mind but also tugging at the heartstrings of the target or victim to stay in control. If you do this I will love you, but it you don’t follow my exact rules and laws I will punish you, terrorize you demean, dehumanize you, AND leave you – not a very tangible approach to any sort of viable relationship.

This constant blend of abusive and charming behavior with the victim is very common with a tyrannical Narcissist and basically describes the need to control their environment or conditioning to keep the victim off guard and totally lost in confusion. For the target/victim it is a toxic osmosis from the devaluation effect of being in the presence of and angry and spiritually draining creature. So the Narcissist is not in this dance just for positive supply, we are a dumping ground for their toxicity as well and that is what damages the soul and destroys a person’s complete belief system. The Narcissist uses that manipulative and confusing component of equal parts pain and compassion or love and desperation in a manner to make their targets/victims feel that there is that small glimmer of hope that is coming from the Narcissist’s unconditional and loving soul and THAT is what keeps the victim engaged. Unfortunately, that soul if it exists is neither loving nor unconditional. It is dark, empty and knows nothing about real love, truth or the reality of respecting life.

The most heartbreaking effect of these disorienting double standards is the utter confusion about what is considered right and wrong sharing a world with a Narcissist. The double standards seem to trade places constantly throughout the relationship. The Narcissist creates standards, morals and laws for everybody around them but they themselves do not respect or follow ANY of their own rules or standards and constantly change them to meet THEIR personal needs in any given situation. The end result is the victim never has a real voice because of the ever-changing rules and standards and the victim is always the one at fault. A Narcissist will NEVER validate a positive reality or experience for another human being, but instead trap their targets/victims in a fun house maze of mirrors that never reflect an accurate image. The target/victim runs through that fun-house maze of mirrors seeing their reflection as different and ever changing or a static and inaccurate image that is ever-changing. Those who have lived through this know how this easily manipulates and implants itself into a deep-seated belief that one’s interpretation of reality, especially when reality is ambiguous or uncertain, is always the wrong one, the faulty one, the one fully invalidated by the mere existence of the Narcissist’s manipulative interpretation to control people!

Never, never just listen to the Narcissists words, but instead observe the behavior that they back up any of the words they use. Behavior is how we can completely assess the reality of what a person is truly offering us. Words are a Narcissists main tools to make their con job functional and rewarding to themselves! You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an illusion of everything being right (because he/she tells you so) and this is a very hard thing to accept. If it feels wrong, it is wrong.

What goes along with this is staying out of the Narcissist’s head! Don’t try to figure out what they are up to or what’s going on in their lives, what’s in their mind, or second guess them. Getting into a Narcissist’s head means trying to figure out their motives, trying to make excuses for them, trying to rationalize their behavior, maybe even trying to manipulate them, and all this does is gets you sucked right back into the content of the abuse again! They trained you well to always think about them, so that it deflects away from the truth that they are the problem, the sick one, and the abusive personality!

When you catch yourself thinking about them and trying to gain some relevant information that will help you out in some way, just remember NOTHING is relevant about them except that they lie, cheat, manipulate, steal, use, betray, backstab, brainwash, triangulate, extort lives away from people, and psychologically rape people’s minds. Just don’t try to figure out anything they do because the reason behind everything they do is ALWAYS self-serving. What in any of that do you want or need to understand — they are just dangerous to human life! If there really was love you would be together in a manner that there would not be so many issues and always having to explain yourself and feeling so traumatized.

For those who are in doubt of their relationship, read, absorb, and process the truth about Narcissistic behaviors – in other words get a strong education so you can align with the truth of this personality disorder. Keep in mind that toxic people can be mothers, fathers, siblings, coworkers, clergy and religious leaders, politicians, co-workers, bosses, health professionals, romantic partners or anybody in your world. These people, for whatever reason, feel no remorse or empathy, and display no conscience in their interactions with other human beings. They use, abuse, and discard their source targets for a variety of reasons, be it sex, money, status, or a sense of power but again they do what they do because they are self-serving. They are what they are and will remain that way – only their tactics change and evolve as each new target is acquired. There is no reason to maintain any type of “relationship” with another human being whose only goal in their lifetime is to target and dismantle other human beings for their own selfish purposes – none. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

We weren’t in denial in the beginning we were tricked, conned, manipulated, etc. Nobody would ever accept abuse in their lives unless they were brain-washed and manipulated in a back and forth manner with the mix of extreme CHARM and then HARM to always keep the victim totally off balance.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The point is we never realized this in its entirety while we were with this Narcissist. WHY? Well because the agenda of the Narcissist was not apparent, and the manipulation was subtle but consistent. We were always drawn back into the abuse through the Narcissist’s magical charm and trickery. Day by day we were managed down more and more through the Narcissist’s vast arsenal of tools to the point that we were not in our original state of conscious thinking – our reality was altered by our perpetrator so they could control and objectify us – we were just a means to an end or clinically ‘supply!’

After experiencing and recovering from this abuse it is still hard for a person of empathy to get it completely. Education and knowledge is very important for clarity and validation. But what I also learned is that I didn’t have to ‘get it’ SO completely, I just had to understand it and accept the truth and then forget about that Narcissist. They are what they are and that has to be enough because it has already overwhelmed and distorted too much of our lives and we can’t give them anymore of our time or life. They will NOT change or admit to anything they did. Knowing and believing this enables you to move forward, focus, and work on everything else that involves getting healthy again. Don’t waste your time on getting into their heads, or trying to understand them, or trying to fix THEM because you are only replaying and denying the truth YOU ALREADY KNOW! It is YOUR time now to claim your life back. Greg

Narcissists seduce/charm people into their life based on gain and their needs!

Narcissists are like the fictional Pied Piper that plays a magical flute that seduces all types of people into his/her world and follow him/her wherever the Pied Piper wants them to go AND do what they want you to do. You are not even aware of the other people that are right there with you because all you hear is that magical tune that keeps playing in your heart and mind that is all lies and manipulation.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

The truth and reality of any connection with a Narcissist is that you have been carefully selected, assessed, and chosen to be a source of supply, probably even compared to others and you may have even been given the ‘main’ position and now you are the 24/7 source of supply but we all have an expiration date. We ALL have a purpose and function PERIOD. As hard as this is to wrap your head around it is the real truth because Narcissists are not in this for any sort of connection other than what YOU have to offer.

You, me and most of the world mistake what ‘drives’ the Narcissist’s as real emotions and love BUT it was purely manipulation and a hideous betrayal to make us TRUST them and believe in the big ‘CON JOB!’ The Narcissist dances the relationship dance with you giving the appearance of being motivated by some form of relationship and having the same direction to pursue this relationship as you have. They talk the talk, walk the walk, and speak the words (really lies) of love and fidelity which reassures and confirms that you both are on the same page AND it is LOVE. Meanwhile, they feel a complete aversion to any real intimacy. They are not connecting to you on any earthly emotional level, but you are completely unaware of this and the real distance and dysfunction that defines their ‘personality disorder’ – well at least not yet. No, they are after something very different than what you are after. They are seeking out a full or part-time candidate to serve them, but they will also have other part-timers on the side providing and fulfilling many other services. In time when you leave them or are discarded AND amazed that they have moved on so quickly, you have to realize that they didn’t move on they just moved over a little bit to another source of supply that was probably always there. They are like the Pied Piper that plays that magical flute that seduces all types of people to follow him/her wherever the Pied Piper wants them to go. You are not even aware of the other people that are right there with you because all you hear is that magical tune.

They have this immense addiction and need for all things supply, or a certain amount and quality of attention that you have been chosen or determined by the Narcissist to be a good or excellent source. They groom and nurture you so completely and seamlessly with the charm so you will continue to give them everything. Through this betraying manipulation the Narcissist can extort that supply right out of you and get what they want and what they came for. You are just one of many they steal life and love from. Once you are there with them or on the same page (basically hooked,) then it is your job to give them everything you have, or basically your whole life AND blind sighted by their lies that hide all of their psychopathy as well as their other sources. You are there as their main support of supply for them to fall back on when the other impersonal sources of ‘outside supply’ aren’t readily available – you are a matter of convenience just like every other source of supply. You are the steadfast supply that is always there for them because they locked you in with their lies of real love, etc. You are ‘old faithful’ as you continue to pour out supply to fill in all of the empty spaces. This will keep the Narcissist going especially in times of famine when those extra and exciting side sources of supply are not there for them or convenient or easy to get at or access. When you are in a relationship with a Narcissist you have entered into their pathological space and therefore his/her rules apply and they are defining reality for you. Nobody is real in a Narcissist’s life because we are all objects that have a specific purpose to provide constant supply. I hated hearing these words at first because I just didn’t understand because this was love and I knew it. Yes, it was love but only mine because what was offered in return was only lies, manipulation, betrayal and chaos to keep me from seeing the real truth that I was being conned into this agenda.

So YES there are debilitating consequences from years of this abuse! Victims of Narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something. Their confidence becomes so low that they have trouble making simple decisions, questioning and re-questioning things that came so natural to them before the abuse. This is a result from the emotional and psychological abuse used by Narcissists to erode their self-esteem, instill confusion and anxiety in their victim to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. This is skillfully guided by the Narcissist and it clouds reality with leading statements like “I never said that”, “You are crazy”, or “you are imagining things.” The Narcissist will even step up the game by reinforcing these statements by backing them up with statements from friends, co-workers, or relatives that agree and ARE very concerned about the target/victim. This abuse is designed to break another person’s will, erase their personality and send them into the depths of despair – this is not love and never will be – it is psychological/emotional abuse pure and simple that destroys people – let’s be clear about the very truth and never believe it is anything else!

Gradually, the target/victim will NOT trust their own perceptions and doubt themselves completely. This more than often also induces trauma, depression and anxiety – separate issues that will have to be dealt with as well as the ‘other’ consequences of this hideous abuse. The target/victim is totally broken and unable to trust their own perceptions in life (the ones we take for granted as just knowing what to do in life, etc.) so they isolate themselves because life is just too confusing and they fear it (trauma). The victim doubts everything about themselves, their thoughts and opinions, their ideas and ideals or their entire belief system. Ask yourself here and now if you are experiencing this, maybe it is a feeling of hopelessness, fear, confusion, or just an abnormal sense of life, one where you feel very alone and without a real objective to change or fix this by moving on. It is like you have lost your motivation for life as you once knew it.

Targets/victims can and will become co-dependent on the abuser for their reality and the Narcissist loves this because that is their goal – TOTAL CONTROL of your thoughts and actions and they are at the steering wheel driving this abuse full forward. It creates a desperate love through extreme manipulation, grooming and conditioning from a personality disordered person. Who does this but a highly disordered human being with a dark agenda? Who could take, steal away or destroy any portion of another person’s life for any reason yet alone with the agenda of a highly disordered Narcissist that is basically driven by their own disdain of life AND an extortionist as well that wants everything they can take from another human being.

No relationship ever ends in such a shroud of hate and destruction as one that ends with a Narcissist. They annihilate every aspect of the relationship, the person, their life, their family, their friends, their career or basically everything in a manner to completely disable you/us. Every action and word that comes from a Narcissist is a bizarre attack on your personal reality. It takes you from the goodness and normality that you have had all of your life to a dark place where you now have feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness because EVERYTHING you do is wrong and you are basically worthless. Even after separation from a Narcissist, the abuse lives on because like a poison it has entered into every cell in your body and in the case of a Narcissistic abuse the poison destroys the mind and reality of their target/victim!

OK – YOU CAN BEAT THIS! You have the ability to unlearn what the Narcissist has conditioned you into believing about yourself and purge the many negative messages out of your mind. You must do this so that you aren’t stuck in a fog of lies and manipulation that will only guide your life in a negative and destructive direction. What the Narcissist has made you internalize can be purged out of you and thrown away. Move yourself away from any level of this abuse by knowing that you and only you can change and find normality and the reality of a better life. Say no to the Narcissist, say no to the messages in your head that say you are not worthy, SAY NO TO THE ABUSE. Those negative words and debasing actions are only a curse/spell that the Narcissist casts out on the world and it can’t stick if the Narcissist doesn’t have you under his/her spell.

Once you have the knowledge and education that enables you to see the very truth about this abusive Narcissist, you can remove yourself and break the spell. You have the power to govern your own will and what you will do with your life. You have to take all of that power AWAY from the Narcissist and give it back to yourself. Yes of course no-contact – but when you have to have minimal contact use the truth to really see what is standing in front of you and disengage in your mind from any thought, words or actions the Narcissist sends your way because they are like bullets from a gun and meant to harm! You are an amazing and beautiful human being – internalize this and know you CAN come back from this disaster by making it your goal to move forward and completely away from this abuse! TOGETHER we heal! Start this journey with the conviction that you can and will live again in a world that does know love, kindness, compassion, care and empathy – start with no/minimal contact. Greg

Never look back or try to reconnect with a Narcissist because you will only be reconnecting with more abuse!

NEVER look back or EVER try to reconnect because it will only cause MORE peril in your life!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist

A Narcissist will not give you any satisfaction as far as offering validation, sympathy, an apology, or ANYTHING for that matter. However, if given an opportunity they will trick you ONCE again and PRETEND (especially if they still want something) or to create more emotional chaos! They will basically play the ‘gotcha game,’ that puts you RIGHT BACK into the chaos and blame game. If they succeed in dragging you back into their game they only feel powerful to be able to control you once more. We cannot allow them to control us or pull us back into the chaos and abuse ever again. These are not people with empathy they are abusers!

Seriously I had to literally shut my Narcissist down with complete no-contact or go insane listening to the craziness! It was crystal clear what I was dealing with, an out-of-control and toxic person that meant to harm me, and I shut it down. I would still be receiving emails, calls, and text messages to this very day if I didn’t. It was like a party with this Narcissist being able to have free range raging at me, making fun of me, telling me sick and perverted stories about their crazy sex life, and projecting every horrendous thing this Narcissist did ‘onto and into’ me. That was enough for me to actualize just how dysfunctional and truly perverted this person was/is. Seeing and hearing them when their mask is off is frightening and eye opening. It was like projectile lies and ‘crazy making’ being shot at me from everywhere.

The Narcissist has manipulated and managed us down into not trusting OUR own feelings and perceptions, so we can NEVER rely on them for any sort of help yet alone trust them with any aspect of our lives. Over the years we internalized this twisted and distorted relationship and bent our own emotions in an effort to FIX the relationship we THOUGHT we had and look where it got us. That process of reliving the trauma that THEY caused runs through our heads/hearts even though they may have physically parted from our lives. We can’t buy into those distortions anymore and expect to recover – so we MUST shut them down IN OUR MIND AND HEART! It was a horrendous roller coaster ride to keep us in a state of confusion and fear with so many ups and downs with no end to the ride and now it is time to jump off.

The recovery process is so multi-dimensional that it means that there really are no simple answers to the question “how do I stop the pain and what do I do to move forward with my recovery?” There are answers that we need to have in the beginning of our recovery but they are basically concerning the educational process so we are ‘in the know’ about this disorder and can get our ‘ah ha’ moment or basically clarity. We have to start here to identify the enemy (the abuse and our abuser) and call it out for what it is!

Maybe now we can embrace the word abuse as well as internalize the truth that we WERE abused by a very disordered, deranged, not fully functioning human being or whatever descriptive word you decide to use. But they are real and malevolent critters that mean to hurt us, damage us or even destroy us with a smile on their face and a dark empty soul. Taking charge of our life once again has its own reward too and that is the chance to grow and love again and you will! Now for the Narcissist, there is no love in their world and never will be – only more and more targets to objectify and use. They do not have a heart, mind or soul that is equipped to bond in any form or manner with another human being. They only know how to use people and they actually loathe and hate life and the people that live outside of their deranged and delusional world, but they NEED us to survive.

As hard as it may seem for us to purge all of the abuse out of us, it CAN be done. We were normal and psychologically sound people PRE-Narcissist and we can get back to what and who we once were. It does require deep introspection and setting up boundaries in our life and even taking a look at our part in all of this. There are many theories out there and they all have their purpose, but it must begin with us. Get healthy first by breaking completely away from the emotional tie to gain some clarity. This can be done with minimal contact as well (when there are divorce proceedings or biological children) – BUT everything that ties you to a Narcissist has to be BUSINESS only because remember they abuse and want to always have that control over you to drag you back in – DON’T let them. By breaking the pattern, we also break the cycle of this abuse from recycling itself over and over again in our heart and mind. You are amazing and can do this and you will! NO/minimal contact always! Greg

Taking your power back by rejecting everything about the Narcissist.

STOP believing, stop engaging, stop allowing ANY of their toxic behaviors! Take your power back and invest it in YOU.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

I finally stopped believing when I realized I was compromising my own emotional and psychological well-being when my head just froze up with too much confusion, too many justifications to stretch my beliefs, and bending my emotions to meet the Narcissist’s needs and getting out of this horrendous relationship became my primary and only process. I was constantly spinning my wheels trying to always believe in what only amounted to lies and manipulation in EVERY aspect of this relationship with this Narcissist. This awakening AND the truth was the miracle for me that got me away from this Narcissist.

This is emotional and psychological abuse in a nutshell, a hideous and destructive daily betrayal by a disordered Narcissist. I wish I could put it into better words for those out there that are still justifying their life away and sinking deeper and deeper in this psychological abuse. Believing them only takes more and more of your reality away and they will take you down all the way if you keep believing in them and leave you with NOTHING!

All they are doing is delivering their poison with a little sugar to make it go down your throat easier. It is the mix of their lies, manipulation, betrayal or the cycle of their psychological abuse. None of which defines us as stupid or a fool – it defines them as psychological terrorists! Narcissists are TOTALLY self-absorbed and tend to be highly charming – let’s even say they are pathologically self-absorbed. They have a constant need for admiration, and addicted to their quest to find their relevance in any person they can source out and harvest even when they are in committed relationships. They view all events in terms of how the events impact and serve them and them alone. They are master manipulators and feel an “emotional high” with each new conquest. So, for an example and a quick fix to gain more admiration they may resort to “hooking up” for a one-night stand that requires very little effort on their part (especially emotionally) and it brings them a huge dose of that supply to feed that vast and needy void of a dark life. It is like us taking a daily vitamin supplement to boost our health, but a Narcissist takes on lots of ‘extra’ supply for any and many reasons on the side to boost their unhealthy ego. None of us have more or less significance than any other person they seduce into their agenda so please STOP trying to believe in them and their lies!

Their behavior is often edgy and impulsive which can often appear exciting to people. These individuals lack all empathy and compassion unless it helps them achieve their goals, so they don’t care if they hurt their spouse, partner, girlfriend/boyfriend, etc., because their out-of-control neediness rules their world. They are unwilling to see or EVER consider anything from another person’s viewpoint. They will continue the emotional control with a target/victim until the relationship becomes too burdensome – and that interprets as the non-narcissistic partner confronting the Narcissist or demanding accountability then it is the great departure and annihilation with rage, blame, shame and projection – it is OUR entire fault of course and they will lie even more to justify this and destroy our integrity and just move on as if we never existed.

They utilize no moral code or boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity, frequently offering marriage, promises, children, OR literally whatever the target/victim “needs to hear” in order to close the deal and secure supply (both long term and ‘extra’ supply on the side). You only have to wonder why they just don’t live out their perverse lifestyle without us, but they do need us because we shield them by providing a cloak of morality and invisibility by using OUR good qualities to protect them from real exposure – we are just a part of the camouflage they wear. Narcissists ALWAYS find someone and they even develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, deceiving without stumbling over their words, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal to find ANOTHER source for supply. There is always a lonely sympathizer out there to buy their lies.

The Narcissist I was with had an affair early on – perhaps a year and a half after we were together. I found out about it through a friend that stumbled onto the information. Now to exactly understand JUST how disordered and separated they are from reality as it concerns any human relationship this Narcissist actually wrote a poem for me the very night the affair started (with this extra supply) about love and growing old together (as it concerned the Narcissist and me). I was at a point that I believed that this person (my Narcissist) was someone I wanted to pursue a life with and vice versa. I would say in clinical terms we were at the height of the love bombing and this Narcissist was pushing for us to move in together or “going in for the kill,” but in true Narcissistic fashion had an affair without a single thought as far as it concerned me. The lies this Narcissist presented to escape the truth were not only ridiculous but seriously delusional and I was insane for believing them at the time!

The beginning of a relationship with a Narcissist is so fantastic that one falls head over heels in love and those emotions blind sight us to the very truth that is in front of us because the ‘love bombing’ is the most dangerous tool in the Narcissist’s arsenal. As time goes by, the mask is slowly shifting and shattering, and the true face of a Narcissist slowly starts to emerge. A Narcissist can change in a blink of an eye from a loving and caring person into someone who is capable of cheating, being emotionally cold, dishonest, rude, raging and uncaring. Why? Well let’s just say they are not capable of human emotions so all we are seeing is the false image they are projecting to keep us locked up in their scam! Without empathy and love they are cut off at the knees as far as moving forward to develop anything more than satisfying themselves and they get bored and constantly look for more and better supply. There is NO SUCH THING AS A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM! It is an opportunity for them to extort all they can from whomever they can trick into their web of pathological deceit.

Even after realizing that you are dealing with a Narcissistic personality with all the cheating, lying, shouting, criticizing, raging, making fun of you, and all of the other unpleasant things that are occurring on a regular basis, it can still be incredibly difficult to break off the relationship even though you know a Narcissist is not going to change his or her behavior. Their mental hooks are buried very deep in our heads and thoughts of breaking up can create feelings of hopelessness, depression, sadness, anxiety and trauma! Remember the Narcissist has been conditioning us in a manner to confound our every thought and action. It is sometimes an impossible feat for a target/victim to wrap their head completely around just how disordered a Narcissist is. Where do we pull this information from because this is more than likely our first experience with a Narcissist so we defer to what we know about ‘normal’ human relationships and that is as different as apples and oranges?

Narcissists are unable to put themselves into the place of another person as far as understanding what harm they are causing them. This is because a Narcissist is totally lacking that empathy thing. Narcissists act in very cold and cruel ways towards those who are closest to them because they have no internal mechanisms to filter the harm and disdain that they really have for life. A Narcissist acts sadistic in the full meaning of the word, being cold and insensitive towards the pain of others. Narcissists simply avoid accessing any mental “tools” that would personally blame them and just deny their behavior is causing great pain, anxiety and depression to the people who are close to them. They justify it with ‘blaming and shaming’ through MORE projection. Basically they feel that they deserve special attention in every aspect of their life. If they go out and have a one-night stand, it is our fault because we haven’t met all of their needs and we better get over it and start serving them in better ways than we have. Plus, they are slippery and slimy characters that aren’t going to admit to anything that deems them accountable for ANYTHING in life. Hmmm, isn’t that a cognitive process that defines them as thinking and knowing that they are doing something wrong and ‘covering’ it up to avoid exposure? Yes, so I would say that they quite possibly know exactly what they are doing and JUST DON’T CARE one iota about people.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and want to end the relationship, the most important thing you need to realize is that you are not really in love with your Narcissistic husband/wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. You fell in love with the unreal image you created of your Narcissistic partner in the beginning of the relationship because they were setting all the images and traps for you with their ‘love bombing.” When the true nature and personality of a Narcissist starts to show up you have already become too psychologically attached to that false and delusional image they purposely created, which makes it very difficult to end the relationship. This was the Narcissists goal!

You probably feel you will never find another person who can love you as strongly as this Narcissist and ‘ah ha’ that is the grand scheme or manipulation that the Narcissist created personally for you. You feel disoriented and depressed and you are trying to hold on to your relationship and make it work at any cost. But your “love” towards a Narcissist is just an illusion, a mental trap your own mind has gotten caught up in, and the Narcissist created. In reality those precious things you imagine you shared do not exist and never will. It may be hard for you to see this now if you are still with them, but believe me once the fog lifts you will see the truth that supports this in ways that will sicken you. It is the betrayal that destroys your spirit AND trust in the world and that is just another level of this abuse that prohibits you from moving forward to find a better place in your life. This will change!!

You must take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. The best thing you can do is to end the toxic relationship, which is slowly making you sick. If you stay with a Narcissist or this cheater and mental abuser for too long, eventually there is nothing left but internal conflict and a twisted version of something that will become a debilitating and destructive routine in your life. Don’t waste any part of your precious life with a Narcissist because the outcome will always be disastrous and destroys so much of you. PLEASE stop believing that you can do anything to change this or fix this. However, you can fix yourself and heal from this if you allow yourself to start on this journey! Go no/minimal contact to start on your journey to recovery. Greg

A relationship with a Narcissist is a one-way street that leads to a dead end.

Narcissists are a one-way street to ABUSE and a dead-end –not to mention that they are one huge, needy, and all consuming vortex that will drain what they can from life and people.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist.

OK – so let’s examine the personal aspects of what happened to all of us so anyone that HASN’T BEEN abused can embrace the truth a little better and see this abuse for EXACTLY what it was and is. If and when that Narcissist did something nice, it was always instrumental or a means to an end and part of his/her con job, that artificial/good image, charm, or façade – and mostly seen in public. So, let’s use the Dr. Jekyll and Mr./Ms. Hyde explanation. Dr. Jekyll (the Monster) is in fact is always Mr./Ms. Hyde on the inside or that abusive Narcissist or monster. Mr./Ms. Hyde is the ‘good’ facade that hides and protects the monster that most all people only ever see.

WE are quite capable of love, bonding, and EMPATHY – BUT they aren’t! What have we fallen in love with, friended, or been dealing with if it is a family member, etc.? OK you probably already know the answer, but I am going to say it regardless. You are NOT in love with, caring for, friends with, or bonded to the “real monster” or the Narcissist – you embraced the image they projected. In reality they are cheaters, liars, manipulators, players, empty/needy voids, or the heartless angry beings that they are. What we believed in (as most do) is/was the charming illusion they created, or the mask, the big lie, the extortionist or whatever name we want to apply to this abuser. As a rule of thumb, we don’t intentionally fall in love with monsters – generally we find a super hero in life to defeat that monster or a local government agency that handles these monsters – but that doesn’t happen in real life. But can we put a little spin on this perspective. These are clearly predators as described by how they camouflage and manipulate us into position to gain our trust and then extort us of everything we have as well as psychologically terrorize us in an effort to harm us, AND to invoke fear to silence us in the end to protect themselves from being exposed. From the beginning to the end you can clearly see that they manipulated us into caring, friending, or loving them. Then used their abusive control to get what they wanted and needed like a thief. Finally, they devalued us to confuse and debilitate us and then added fear to the equation to shut us up, so they could move forward to the NEXT victim. They took us from charm to harm with everything else in between!

For any victim/target, this process is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you so much time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem, your career or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to this relationship. It may have become your entire life, even having a family with a Narcissist. For the Narcissist however, the whole process isn’t really personal AT ALL! The Narcissist WILL do the same thing to just about anyone who allows him/her into their personal or intimate life. We are all reduced to and considered OBJECTS and possible supply. Life is a department store where the Narcissist shops for the SPECIFIC supply they desire – but they would be more aptly described as “shoplifters” because they feel completely entitled to take whatever they desire AND when they desire it!

It is ALWAYS a one-way street with them and a dead-end for us. No/minimal contact break the cycle of abuse and move forward! Greg

The Narcissist’s charming story that lures people into their agenda!

‘Once upon a Time’ – the Narcissist’s love story or better yet loveless story as it really concerns ALL relationships and people.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists loosely ‘pretend’ to love us for as long as we do what they want us to do for them or again serve them. Once that starts dwindling away or they get bored, then the Narcissist starts cashing out on this empty investment that was only reinforced by many lies and false promises. That is when you START to get your answer or your ‘ah ha’ moment that this isn’t real love. It is never an answer in any normal sense of the word where the Narcissist gives you a justifiable reason because there is none to give, you are just fixed into their agenda to meet their needs and they are not going to admit to this OR you wouldn’t be a functional source of supply for very long or even at all. When your time is up and they are bored and ready to move onto new supply, THEN the words come from your Narcissist that are full of blame, accusations, hate, and destruction. They want to bury you under more lies and destroy your integrity so they can back out of their real agenda (to abuse you) and move onto the next person to use and abuse. They do this to avoid exposure. This is how they walk through life! Don’t forget that these creatures devalue people in a manner to psychologically abuse them by managing people down to believe their distorted accusations like you are mentally ill, defective, undeserving, worthless, and anything else to make you feel like you deserve this so you always reach out to them to help fix this distorted love. This dependency is what becomes so damaging to your spirit and integrity and what makes you so vulnerable as well as disables you with disbelief. This is the cycle of this abuse and what takes you on that journey to heal so many things that this Narcissist has destroyed in your life. This is a big ‘ah ha’ moment for everyone that has been with one of these creatures but very disabling when it becomes reality!

This is why letting go can be so hard for the target/victim because there are REAL emotions from REAL love that is strongly attached or mixed in with the psychological abuse and it confounds the recovery process just as it did throughout the entire distorted relationship. It becomes very confusing because even though it was all based on lies and a huge façade somehow you still love them and STILL want to sort through all of the deception to make it right with YOUR concept of that real love. This is the abuse born out of the extreme manipulation that the Narcissist created to keep you there. The loving connection you feel or felt was in place FIRST and is now lost in the behavior and circumstances of the real abuse or the devaluation and discard phases that appear LATER because of the strong manipulation and brain-washing! That may seem ridiculous to people that have never been conned into a relationship as seamlessly as a Narcissist does to their targets/victims, but they have not experienced what can be best described as psychological rape. You bonded with your trust and love to an abusive creature that doesn’t think twice about harming you, nor do they care if they hurt or destroy you as long as they get what they want.

Being on the receiving end of a Narcissistic love relationship of ANY type, can, will, and does make us feel like we need to try harder because of the extreme manipulation they use to keep us hanging on and we spend vast amounts of time and energy trying to fix this relationship. We were given a vision in the beginning that this was real love and we became emotionally bonded to this vision BECAUSE that was part of the big game. Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try, we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person (our Narcissist) BUT we believe that somehow it is up to us to fix the relationship because that is what the Narcissist uses as control and power over us to keep believing and hanging on while they extort our entire life away from us. This Narcissist lacks any and all emotions, empathy, and love for anything other than itself. So, what is left for us to interpret? Superficial connections and objectification which are not functional by any means, but meant to make us believe that there is something real for us there. A Narcissist can’t connect to themselves yet alone to anyone else so everything they do is superficial (fake) as it concerns bonding or a real relationship with people. They are amazingly adept at this game because it is part of their survival.

While you keep trying to hang on to this relationship you are only burying yourself deeper and deeper in the darkness and the void that defines a Narcissist. It is this daily struggle that is so unfulfilling and damaging, as well as makes you feel so unhappy, confused, and worthless. Beyond that there is going to be a huge eye opener with the full devaluation this creature is going to throw at you when your time is up with them. It is virtually impossible to love a Narcissist normally because you are only plugging yourself into their game of abuse as their PRESENT source of supply. They are literally using up every bit of your energy and your life and reaping all the benefits that ONLY serve them. You can’t love a Narcissist because they are invisible and all you are seeing is a projected image to fool you and that would be like hugging air AND trying to love it as well.

A Narcissist can’t even see their real self, that is why they create all of these images/facades because they are completely empty and this is what they do to avoid seeing that dark reflection of themselves in a mirror. They avoid it so totally that they will defend their false image and destroy you for making them accountable for what they really are. There is such a mystery to them and that in itself becomes an addiction because we thought we saw a flicker of a real person and real love, but no there was none and we keep searching for it! BUT that idea that ‘if we just try hard enough, we will find a way to create that authentic connection’ or revive it. Unfortunately, it only kept us tied up in a relationship that really only revolved around our functionality, but it always seemed to hold the unspoken promise of one day becoming a real connection of unconditional love with us.

The message that was always there was that we had to keep changing to meet this monster’s needs and unfortunately we listened to this and made it our goal. It was only a diversion to control us and that is the vicious circle we get so caught up in and end up losing ourselves completely. Trying harder is not going to unlock the magic door to their unavailable and dead soul because you are dealing with a needy void and not a person. The unfortunate consequence to this is that you will have to grieve this empty love just as if it were real. Unfortunately, there is the psychological damage that destroyed your integrity (and trust of people) that is also attached and it requires many, many steps to actualize the entirety of this BUT we must take this journey forward to recovery or remain a casualty forever and that is not an option!

When it comes to understanding this love with a Narcissist, all we really had was a dream and a reflected image from this Narcissist of what we thought was love as well as based on what we grew up believing was love. We have seen this love all around us and even experienced it and felt it before. This love was very strong and amazing in our mind and we superimposed that image right onto this Narcissist like he/she conned us into doing so and they reacted to it like it was the real thing! Every little thing that they did to reinforce it ALSO enforced that ‘distorted truth’ we kept hanging onto as if it was real and part of that big dream we wanted or the love we believed in. This always kept us at that safe distance and blinded us from what was really happening and also kept us away from or justifying all of the lies, betrayal, manipulation, and hate that was really right there in front of us. It is almost like they hypnotized us into this desperate love.

Believing in them kept the painful reality at bay. At some point we must see the truth and accept it as well as the fact that it is impossible to love or be loved by the Narcissist. The real picture will unfortunately reveal itself and you will hear things that will make you feel sick to your stomach. You will question yourself in so many ways and beat yourself up over all of it. Why didn’t you see this coming, why did you keep trying and hanging on to this monster? You will feel defective and worthless and maybe even deserving of all of this! It is not answerable in any one given manner as far as applying the fault to yourself. Let it go because that doesn’t help you achieve clarity, nor opens a door to recover from this toxic relationship. It only sends you deeper into this abuse by blaming yourself! You must accept the real truth to move forward and stop the defective images of the manipulation that reside in your heart and mind. Narcissists PLAY big time games and they are completely unavailable to ANYONE in this world. The person you were before this was conned and the person you are now is still being conned and you MUST get away completely to achieve clarity and move on. In reality we all know it takes two to have a healthy relationship, and there were two in this relationship and one person was real but unfortunately the other one pretended to be real because they had an agenda to make this SEEM real so they could use you and they were seamless with the game.

So, despite everything you truly and deeply loved this person, or a Narcissist! Somewhere deep down inside of you there are feelings that have been buried and have only shown up as feelings of frustration because of how hard you tried. Let these feelings surface. Society has sort of taught through imposed beliefs how we are supposed to feel as well as what we are not supposed to feel, but this is very different and deserves respect and patience because it is abuse! We are told we MUST NOT be victims. Unfortunately, we are victims but we never wanted this or to become one. It is a reality that must be processed to heal and that is understanding it all. I hate the word victim, but I understand my reality and I am not going to write it off in favor of being stigmatized by a word. I lived through something called abuse from a monster that blamed me, isolated me from life, and disabled me – so I am not going to acknowledge a frame of reference that disallows my recovery because of a label someone created that now tells me I am even MORE wrong and must not speak out. Victim’s become survivors by actualizing the truth! We all know how damaging it can be if we stay in this victim role, but that is our FIRST cry for help because we need support, education, love and a hand to pull us back up. I have heard from too many people that buried so much of this and it resurfaces and locks them up in many years of mistrust and isolation because they were told to move on. Educate yourself, get healthy again and then work on ‘you!’ YES, you must move on and away from everything Narcissist once you get it and stop talking abuse or Narcissist. It is a personal process and different for everyone!

So, ask yourself this now. Have allowed yourself to feel any anger towards them. Due to those beliefs we are always supposed to take the higher road. BUT you are dealing with a Narcissist or a very disordered person that intentionally inflicted so much destruction on you through horrendous lies, betrayal, manipulation and they abused you terribly. Get angry and get mad because it can be liberating because you are acknowledging the TRUTH. This can be very liberating when you embrace the truth and a great relief to realize that there is nothing wrong with you or your mental abilities. You didn’t know that this was a predator and a horrible person to have in your life. You didn’t have all of the tools to understand the relative danger of your reality with this Narcissist so don’t deceive yourself into thinking that there was a solution right there in front of you.

You get it today and you are away from them so it happened and you are free from this monster and the abuse – THEN put the anger away. Count those blessings first to give yourself some levity to keep moving forward! Get healthy and use that as an opportunity to understand that there is evil out there and close every door that would enable this to happen to you again! Dig down deeply and acknowledge ALL of the distorted messages as well as the psychological abuse or it will only surface later. AGAIN, there is no magical cure or guru that can take you to recovery except for yourself. Your beliefs about life have been distorted and even shattered and has created a negative and fearful view of the world and you must purge that out of you or be disabled for life. The process is long and you CAN’T skip any part of it. You must separate completely from diagnosing the Narcissist or reliving the past trying to understand it any more than what you do today. It was abuse imposed on you by a Malignant Narcissist. Educate yourself about this creature until you get it, then work on healing YOU!

Your heart is unconditional and you are full of goodness and empathy, but protect that now that you have started to close that door to this Narcissist because they will always welcome you back for more abuse! If you have ever tried to really help a Narcissist as most of us have you know that if you get too close to the truth of what they are, it will blow up in your face and cause you horrendous damage. The Narcissist doesn’t want to be fixed or have their issues solved. They want to escape with absolutely NO accountability to the truth as it concerns them, they will ALWAYS blame others for their problems and the way they ABUSE people. No matter what you say or do, the Narcissist will shift all of the blame back onto you! Attempting to reason or demanding accountability would be like throwing acid in their face and they will find every reason to divert from divulging the truth. It is a tactic on their part that they have used all of their life. Blaming others keeps the Narcissist at arm’s length from their true darkness as well as their many issues. They have spent their entire life living under this shield of protection and you or nobody else can make them see the truth. They will strike out at you in such a manner that will hurt you more than you already are and destroy your integrity to others in the process.

Narcissists don’t want unconditional love or any love for that matter OR a relationship so stop wasting any of your thoughts or time on them. Unconditional love requires openness and honesty, vulnerability, facing one’s fears, feeling emotions and being open to change in favor of making love grow. In the Narcissist’s mind, these are all negative and poisonous to them because they are not even remotely wired in this manner to reciprocate as a loving relationship requires. They are here with you and ONLY as a recipient and you are the object that supplies them with what they can’t get because they are too defective to be anything but the abuser you know and now understand. So, when it comes to helping Narcissists, every time it seems you are getting somewhere, you are only trying to penetrate an impenetrable wall. Face it, they want to leave you behind because they were never available for real love in the first place. The only thing to do is to let them be and move on and forget that they once existed. If you can’t seem to move on, ask yourself what you are hoping to achieve or receive back as far as reciprocity? What do you still want from them, LOVE? THEN ask yourself if you have ever received REAL love from them in the past? The answer is no because it doesn’t exist in their malignant world because their personality is disordered and beyond repair!

Reasoning with a Narcissist is a lesson in futility. They are liars through and through and have perfected the game of diverting from reality. Any person that can act out in the manner that a Narcissist does or intentionally extort/harm people like these creatures do can’t have access to rational reasoning, empathy, love, or reality. If they are breathing they are lying AND abusing. Lying even in a dysfunctional personality disorder like Narcissism has a cognitive basis (ability to reason) to it, so they know what they are doing after all the trap their prey and that requires a plan and agenda. This is why they are out there with a new and newer target/victim.

They are masterful at deception to get what they want. My Narcissist would have the world believing that I am mentally ill and scorned and THAT is what motivates me to write as I do so. Even with the clarity and resonance of my words as well as the amazing similarity to ALL of the circumstances of this disorder, and mounds of written proof, and the collaborated stories from family, friends and co-workers that describe my ‘ex’ as a textbook Narcissist – I AM STILL BLAMED. Let them think what they think because you won’t change that because they are protecting themselves from exposure. My Narcissist destroyed a family before it was my turn to be a target. Nobody is exempt from their destructive smear campaign when they are on the run. In the end you realize that only fools believe this Narcissist and the smear campaign and in reality their (the Narcissist’s) world is very small. Please no/minimal contact! Greg

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