Author Archives: ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse

Communication with a Narcissist is just dangerous because they abide by no rules or laws and the ONLY standards in their world are DOUBLE standards.

Communication with a Narcissist is just dangerous because they abide by no rules or laws and the ONLY standards in their world are DOUBLE standards.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

It is classic within the cycle of this abuse with all of the accusations from the Narcissistic partner AND having to identify with the constant blame, shame and punishment, that the target/victim TRIES to make sense of the Narcissist’s hurtful behaviors in an attempt to fix things, compensate, AND understand. But by constantly engaging with the Narcissist it becomes tangible or the victim’s new reality in a distorted and disabling manner because it is always reinforced by equal parts of pain and compassion (the love bombing) that keeps the victim trying to get back to that cohesive and loving part of the relationship they once knew! Add to this the frequent belittlement in the manner a Narcissist will dismiss anything that is exciting or that inspires a target/victim. A Narcissist will crush any attempts from the target/victim to make sense of their agenda and keep the target CONSTANTLY confused and walking on those eggshells or off balance or basically always being in control.

Any dissention from a target takes away from the Narcissist’s basic need to feel superior or the omnipotent one in any relationship AND most importantly getting that constant admiration that they need OR the ‘supply’ they are after. In reality the Narcissist has a pathological envy of everything real and normal in people, because it discounts the Narcissist’s reality or better yet lack of reality and makes them aware of their shortcomings of WHO they THINK they are. This is expressed in varying degrees throughout the devaluation, discard and horrific smear campaign where they will trample their target/victim’s integrity into the ground to support their superior facade. Anyone who has shared a life with a Narcissist recognizes the chronic dispensation of such double standards and the many manifestations across all areas of life where rules are applied. It is especially evident with children who have been raised by a Narcissistic parent or with this desperate and disabling love! If it wasn’t for DOUBLE STANDARDS a Narcissist would not have ANY standards at all.

As a consequence of this uncertainty is that consistent self-doubt and feeling of worthlessness that manifests itself in the target/victim’s heart and mind. The Narcissist is not only manipulating the mind but also the heartstrings of the target or victim to stay in control. If you do this I will love you, but it you don’t follow my exact rules and laws I will punish you, terrorize you demean and dehumanize you – not a very tangible approach to any sort of viable relationship.

This blend of abusive behavior and saintliness/martyrdom is very common with Narcissistic abuse because they are a tyrant which basically describes their need to control their environment. For the target/victim it is a toxic osmosis from the devaluation effect of being in the presence of and angry and spiritually draining creature. So, the Narcissist is not in this dance just for positive supply, we are a dumping ground for their toxicity as well and that is what damages the soul and destroys a person’s complete belief system. The Narcissist uses that manipulative and confusing component of equal parts pain and compassion in a manner to make their targets/victims feel it is coming from the Narcissist’s unconditional and loving soul. Unfortunately, that soul if it exists is neither loving nor unconditional. It is dark, empty and knows nothing about real love, truth or the reality of respecting life.

The most heartbreaking effect of these disorienting ‘double standards’ is the utter confusion about what is considered right and wrong when we are sharing a world with a Narcissist. The double standards seem to trade places constantly throughout the relationship. The Narcissist creates standards, morals and laws for everybody around them but they themselves do not respect or follow ANY of their own rules or standards. The result is the target/victim is ALWAYS confused or the one at fault and blamed for everything. A Narcissist will NEVER validate a positive reality or experience for another human being, but instead trap their targets/victims in a fun house maze of mirrors that never reflect an accurate image. The target/victim runs through that fun-house maze of mirrors seeing their reflection as different and ever changing or a static and inaccurate image that is ever-changing. Those who have lived through this know how this easily manipulates and implants itself into a deep-seated belief that one’s interpretation of reality, especially when reality is ambiguous or uncertain, is always the wrong one, the faulty one, the one fully invalidated by the mere existence of the Narcissist’s manipulative interpretation to control!

Never, never just listen to the Narcissists words, but instead observe the behavior that they back up any of the words they use. Behavior is how we can completely assess the reality of what a person is truly offering us. Words are a Narcissists main tools to make their con job functional and rewarding to themselves! You are worn out and sick because your psyche and body are telling you there is something terribly wrong when there is an illusion of everything being right (because he/she tells you so) and this is a very hard thing to accept. If it feels wrong, it is wrong.

What goes along with this is staying out of the Narcissist’s head! Don’t try to figure out what they are up to or what’s going on in their lives, what’s in their mind, or second guess them. Getting into a Narcissist’s head means trying to figure out their motives, trying to make excuses for them, trying to rationalize their behavior, maybe even trying to manipulate them, and all this does is gets you sucked right back into the content of the abuse again! They trained you well to always think about them, so that it deflects away from the truth that they are the problem, the sick one, and the abusive personality!

When you catch yourself thinking about them and trying to gain some relevant information that will help you out in some way, just remember NOTHING is relevant about them except that they lie, cheat, manipulate, steal, use, betray, backstab, brainwash, triangulate, extort lives away from people, and psychologically rape people’s minds. Just don’t try to figure out anything they do because the reason behind everything they do is ALWAYS self-serving. What in any of that do you want or need to understand — they are just dangerous to human life! If there really was real love, you would be together in a manner that there would not be so many issues and always having to explain yourself and feeling so traumatized.

For those who are in doubt of their relationship, read, absorb, and process the truths about Narcissistic behaviors – in other words get a strong education so you can align with the truth of this personality disorder. Keep in mind that toxic people can be mothers, fathers, siblings, coworkers, clergy and religious leaders, politicians, council members, teachers, and romantic partners. These people, for whatever reason, feel no remorse or empathy, and display no conscience in their interactions with other human beings. They use, abuse, and discard their source targets for a variety of reasons, be it sex, money, status, or a sense of power. There is no known “cure” for these people yet that is tried and true. There is no surgery, medication, therapy, religious epiphany, or philosophy that is going to alter these people. They are what they are and will remain that way – only their tactics change and evolve as each new source target is acquired. There is no reason to maintain any type of “relationship” with another human being whose only goal in their lifetime is to target and dismantle other human beings for their purposes – none. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

Devaluation and the BIG discard – what is next? What do we do? How do we figure this out? How do we get closure? Where do we start? WHAT DO WE DO? A little insight into starting AND understanding our journey to recovery.

Devaluation and the BIG discard – what is next? What do we do? How do we figure this out? How do we get closure? Where do we start? WHAT DO WE DO? A little insight into starting AND understanding our journey to recovery.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

When you start out on the journey to recovery you are faced with some very difficult objectives and that is picking up all the pieces of your shattered life and trying to put them all back together again – NONE OF WHICH YOU HAVE EXPERIENCE TO DRAW ON. It would be akin to trying to put your house together after a hurricane totally destroyed it. Everything that WAS your life and memories are now shattered and strewn over a 100 mile radius. You try to sift through the rubble and damage to save what you can but it is almost impossible to dig into AND through all the piles of debris to find anything familiar or savable. Your whole world is so distorted from the damage that this hurricane caused and you can only see the resulting damage from this disaster and now you have to put this all back together to achieve a cohesive normal ‘YOU’ again and basically do it all by yourself! You basically feel fearful from all of the uncertainty that lies before you and that is the trauma from what happened.

Narcissists can be your mother/father, brother/sister, wife/husband, boyfriend/girlfriend, the mother/father of your biological children, a friend, or boss, and more than likely you have spent MANY years with them as well. You may be financially or legally connected to them. You need so much time and an education to process this. You start crawling your way out of this and then you realize that this Narcissist has BRANDED YOU as the abuser, defective, mentally ill, as well as destroyed your integrity by using familiarity against you. They are out there SMEARING your good name to everyone that is important to you. You are really starting to see this monster behind the mask and you LOVED this creature? This is more like psychological rape and you are left there alone to pull yourself together and find some sort of help, but where do you start and what fires do you put out first. It is no longer a matter of the denial, it is reality and you have to face this and try to function in your day to day world as if you are the healthy individual you once were. You end up stumbling and picking yourself up over and over again! It seems like there is no end to this and then anxiety and depression set in.

You start the process of recovery in disbelief, fear, and shock! The shock in essence numbs you temporarily from going completely insane by giving you the ability to separate yourself from the totality of this disaster or some breathing room – it is nature’s sedative. Once the dust settles though you start to see the whole picture standing before you and now reality sets in. As you are setting out on this journey your emotions are going to be overwhelming as you try to understand all of this and they get in the way and confuse you. You are trying to sort through pure chaos and you are going to respond to it with tremendous ambivalence, anger, hatred, vengefulness, and MANY other negative feelings. Along with this you will be doing some deep soul searching trying to put perspective on so many opposing thoughts that don’t correlate with the love you believed in AND it creates a huge void and a great sense of being so lost and alone in all of this.

You realize that you don’t have the ability to create real closure. You are not able to let go with love but instead you HAVE to let go with an ‘understanding’ that the person you loved is severely damaged and dangerous and you have to somehow accept and live with this. Your belief system is completely shattered. You hear your Narcissist boasting about having sex with a new person, or perhaps married, or they gone on with their life so quickly, and they are BRAGGING about it to intentionally hurt you and now that feels like a NEW stab to your heart. You start to get nostalgic for what could have been and you only lose touch with the reality that they are disordered and you start questioning yourself AGAIN. You wonder what it is that YOU did wrong. It is a vicious back and forth cycle that only leaves you so confused and frozen in time. All of these thoughts and more become a part of detaching from this monster BUT unfortunately the coefficient that you loved them is in the mix as well and you are vulnerable and broken! The Narcissist is woven into your memories and your life in very conflicting ways and it is just too confounding!

You would have to take a course in psychology that deals with personality disorders to completely internalize that they are a Narcissist and disordered to understand the rationale behind this abuse. You probably have never even heard of A Narcissist or associated them with psychological abuse AND that you were with one. On the other hand you still have many mixed messages from this Narcissist saying that YOU are the disordered one here and to blame for everything, so you ARE questioning your own mental capacity trying to establish where the real problem lies. IS IT YOU OR IS IT YOUR EX? It is like being on a roller coaster ride through hell and you have to figure all of this out on your own. You have to somehow put this all together in a short period of time going from loving this person to now accepting that they ARE the predator and you were prey. It is just an insurmountable feat to pull this together in your mind especially when you are so vulnerable and worn down by what you start to realize that you were a target/victim of emotional and psychological abuse.

You will return to the past to recall, remember and review many details. This is not you obsessing but instead a viable part of the process that is very necessary for recovery and healing AND looking for clarity and answers. This is all new material and you are starting from square one to internalize what this abuse is and connecting it to what you thought existed but did not exist (the love, relationship, memories, dreams, goals, etc.) So you must actualize what really existed and replace those emotional connections with the stark reality of the truth. NEXT, you must emotionally detach yourself from the disordered Narcissist that you loved and grasp the reality of this massive deception that eroded your being and world. It is hard to separate from the emotions and accept the reality of the situation, BUT you have to tell yourself that you loved a monster. You didn’t know they were a monster, because they are predators that manipulate their prey into the abuse. BUT every time you start remembering the love you believed in, you must now turn those thoughts around and say that you were psychologically raped by a monster and predator. You can’t be kind with your thoughts and give them the benefit of the doubt because there are NO doubts that Narcissists are destructive abusers to everyone. ANY benefit of the doubt that you allow the Narcissist only keeps you connected to the abuse and not allow the closure you so desperately need to move forward! You were a target/victim of ABUSE!

You must constantly tell yourself and reinforce that this was not a normal or real person that COULD love you. You have to accept that it was a huge lie and most importantly that it had nothing to do with you because the Narcissist managed you down to believe that you are to blame and the disordered one! You HAVE to accept that it did happen to you and there is no rhyme nor reason to it because Narcissists are character disordered and in a class of their own. They are dangerous to human beings and destructive and you are so FORTUNATE to be FREE of them. You are a testament to this very fact because you have experienced their psychological abuse and have been severely damaged by a relationship with them. You have to completely switch off from thoughts that pull you into believing they will change or you can fix them – YOU CAN’T!

Now you have to actualize that there is so much goodness in you and seriously that is what this Narcissist wanted to own and destroy and that is why they targeted you. You ARE a good person and probably an AMAZING person so don’t ever lose touch with this because the Narcissist told you differently. They are disordered and negative and they live with this premise to make everyone else around them unstable by managing them down. THIS is what psychopaths do to their targets, manage them down to nothingness to control them.

You have to create a discipline to stop looking at the ‘what ifs’ or ‘could I have done this or that’ or that somehow you caused this abhorrent treatment. You have to stop yourself from trying to obtain information about what they are doing through social media, OR trying to make any type of contact with them. You seriously have to just stop thinking about them as being anything real to you and concentrate on YOU. Tell yourself that this is DONE! Yes there are situations that you must stay in contact with them, but again you must separate the emotions and break the chain that binds you to their psychopathy and keep it to the business at hand. Ask yourself what it is you would want back (as in fixing the relationship?) Do you want to go back into the abuse to experience more dehumanization, lies, betrayal and extortion? No of course not! Lock into this message and put your happiness first! LASTLY – and most importantly NO/minimal contact to start you out on your journey to recovery. Greg

Narcissists will simply bait you with their conversations to constantly manage you down in an effort to keep you confused and off balance. Communication is their tool to manipulate and deceive people and life. Let’s understand this and put a real perspective on the Narcissist’s ‘SPIN’ that they put on everything!

Narcissists will simply bait you with their conversations to constantly manage you down in an effort to keep you confused and off balance. Communication is their tool to manipulate and deceive people and life. Let’s understand this and put a real perspective on the Narcissist’s ‘SPIN’ that they put on everything!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists will simply bait you with their conversations in an effort to constantly manage you down in an effort to keep you confused, off balance, and to CONTROL you. Just within a normal conversation it almost seems like they are testing you, assessing you, setting you up and that causes you to constantly walk on those eggshells and explaining yourself. They are gauging your reactions to see just how far they can push you to the edge to get a chaotic reaction – that even includes the OCCASIONAL charm or love bombing or just different types of baiting you (positive and negative) or simply diversions.

With those ‘chaotic’ messages, they want you to react emotionally and after they bait you AND get a reaction they will tell YOU to calm down, or say you are overreacting and make you internalize their disappointment with you – it is like a double whammy. They want the upper hand always to feel in control so the whole point of this is to get you unhinged and they can and will get down and dirty to achieve this – it is CONTROL to steal your power away and to empower themselves. Conversations are always a competition with them just like everything else with a Narcissist and you are always left out in left field with no real clue because normal people are not always in a competition with other people like a Narcissist is. Think of it like this – it would be like the Narcissist purposely punching you and then getting angry at YOU and making you wrong for reacting to the harm they have inflicted on you.

They will use actions as well to drive their point home with you. Suddenly they are not paying attention to you, or they are very eager to get you off of the phone. They will cancel a plan or just disappear without an explanation or basically isolating you and silencing you for no apparent reason. It is akin to distancing themselves from you to get a reaction and again so that YOU react. This pulls you RIGHT BACK INTO their chaos and feeling confused and overthinking again. When they return you calmly confront or question their actions and receive a resounding “I’m SICK of always arguing with you – WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??” Well you never started an argument in the first place, you were only reacting in a manner to create some sort of cohesive understanding AND peace, but the Narcissist hones in on your confusion (and reactions) and labels them as arguments. They have successfully manipulated you right into their game to make you believe that YOU are to blame and a defective person. They will more than likely verbalize this to you as well because they love those harmful words. They do this as often as they can and over time it is disabling and destructive to you because it erodes your worth, self-esteem, and your personality or individualism. It is CONTROL pure and simple!

So, another example of this chaotic baiting – let’s use the example that they cheated on you or they are just being cruel to you. They won’t directly address accountability for THEIR part, the truth, or the reality of the situation but instead they will bring up something totally unrelated from the past that YOU have done wrong. It is sort of like a comparison to divert or deflect from their horrendous actions and basically justify what they have done (get away with it unscathed). It goes like this – because YOU have done something in the past that they know about – they are trying to relate to YOUR situation as WORSE than whatever they did and somehow this makes THEM better and above accountability for what they have done – pretty sinister move! It is their way of keeping score, but they are always the winners because they are the scorekeeper. Perhaps you sincerely admitted to something you had done wrong in your past and you shared it even showing regrets for your actions. They will hold you hostage to this and accountable to whatever it was YOU did (even if it didn’t concern them) and then whatever they did really isn’t all that bad compared to your actions. So, don’t you even DARE to hold them accountable or complain about what they did because they are going to bring up your indiscretion(s) from the past! This is not a normal resolution this is deceptive manipulation on their part to shore up their lies and actions and a Narcissistic diversion and deflecting from the truth.

Again, all of this is done in an effort to put YOU on the defensive to avert all responsibility and accountability AND keep you off balance. In any situation where they are threatened by exposure of the reality of what they are the Narcissist has to SHAME you in a manner to stay in control. They have no shame for their actions though and I mean NONE whatsoever. They only transfer their defective qualities onto and into you and basically create strong labels that they attach to you that justify WHY they do what they do – call it Narcissistic justification and denial. Remember they are the ‘eternal victims of the world’ and BLAME everybody else for what they do – this is really projection. They are transferring their own flaws onto you as well as seeking a reaction that basically confuses or confounds you to drive the point home and to get away with what they do. They HAVE to respond because they can’t just sit there and allow what they feel are blatant attacks ON THEM because they do NO WRONG – but as you and I know they do MANY ‘wrongs!’ They HAVE to force you into submission so you internalize their attacks as reality of who YOU are. You are not any of this – AGAIN this is part of their extreme manipulation techniques – and one of many!

If you were able to pull yourself out of the confusion when they are doing this, you would clearly see that their reactions are so delusional and a huge defense mechanism to hide the very truth from themselves and everybody else. Educating ourselves about the truth of what a Narcissist is AND does is one of the most important and essential aspects of recovery. It is the bridge that takes us to full recovery. To heal we must understand, we must expel everything that we internalized from the manipulative Narcissist and their abuse. We have to realize that these are non-functioning individuals that are predators. There NEVER was a relationship with them, there NEVER will be a relationship with them, AND they are NOT capable of having a REAL relationship with anyone!

Let’s sum it up with this – if you can’t use your words with them in a manner to have a real conversation, or share your thoughts, express yourself, or just talk normally than what do you have? Nothing! Communication is imperative to ANY relationship and if it is not there than there is no relationship whatsoever. This is the reality with a Narcissist because they are one huge control machine that is programmed to dismiss every aspect of your individuality. There is a lesson in all of this and that is we have to completely actualize this and move on no matter what because we are not dealing with a normal person or anything normal with a Narcissist. There was NEVER one conversation you have had with them that had any basis of reality because they have none to offer.

Along the same lines, they do not change after we depart from them BUT they do create a new self or better yet a new façade for their next target. The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure as well UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation or the ‘same old, same old!’ Trying to talk to them about anything would be like being a hamster on a wheel running and running on that wheel but never getting anywhere except exhausted and right at the same place you started. In the end, they will probably run off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day so let them be where they are. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. NO, they will only manipulate you more and use more projection to always make YOU out to be the person at fault. They are securing new supply and you reached your expiration date. ANY attempt at a connection would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! You couldn’t affect change with them all throughout your relationship so you are not going to be able to do that now either. The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along. No/minimal contact to truly get the clarity you need to move forward! Greg

MIND GAMES: That CONSTANT circle of chaos and confusion that kept us controlled and lost under so many levels of disparity WISHING we could return to what we BELIEVED was a real relationship with them.

That CONSTANT circle of chaos and confusion that kept us controlled and lost under so many levels of disparity WISHING we could return to what we BELIEVED was a real relationship with them. IT NEVER WAS A RELATIONSHIP because this is/was their agenda to control us and imprison us with their circular mix of ‘charm to harm’ or the manipulation, gaslighting, lies, betrayal, etc. — or ‘the why’ we have a hard time with clarity to move forward. We MUST break out of this confusion by totally discarding it. We will NEVER find any truth there – only level upon level of chaos meant to trap us and keep us there while they extracted the supply they desperately needed from us until they found another full-time source.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Most every conversation you have with them seems to leave you confused and drained. You will be left with the burden of trying to figure out what they have said or basically what the heck just happened. It is like a hit and run accident and you are just left in shock trying to gain a foothold of the incident. A basic conversation can go from zero to a hundred miles per hour and in a direction that puts you in the path of an unavoidable crash, AND you weren’t able to control the direction you were headed in. You ask yourself how did this all start and what led up to it? You will end up spending hours, or perhaps even days, obsessing over the intent of the message or argument. You exhaust all of your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing – it was pre-planned to be this way by the Narcissist. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but there is as far as it concerns the Narcissist that is controlling you.

Everything they have absorbed or learned about you is now being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to charm you because they know your likes and they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no you in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!

So what about these ridiculous and crazy arguments, etc. You could have NEVER kept up with the original conversation (or argument) in a realistic manner because it was basically nonsensical in your mind and had no real basis of reality. But it served a purpose as far as the Narcissist is concerned to deflect from something or the other, or there was an agenda to it, or to demean and dehumanize you – control, control, CONTROL. BUT it served its purpose because it confounded or confused you and forced you to process the CRAZY information with no real success. You will have many rebuttals going on in your head AFTER THE FACT because you feel a need to defend yourself or rationalize what happened. Basically you are trying to fix the situation, but was it an argument because you really didn’t do anything but yet you feel like you did something, BUT WHAT IS IT YOU DID??

BAM, this is exactly the place a narcissist wants you to go to – total confusion and insanity. They have drawn from the vast wealth of knowledge they have gained from observing you and use it consistently to maneuver you into a place of confusion and isolation. There are many reasons behind each of these scenarios, but they are basically to manage you down and to control you. However you will try to resolve this because you feel you need to address what happened and more than likely to defend yourself hoping for resolution but in the end you’ll find that you are the person apologizing. After a while these crazy arguments will have you stuck in the confusion so much so that you have lost all perspective of your relationship, as well as your value in the relationship. You are always responding to the Narcissist’s crazy making and never participating in a reciprocal or real relationship. You are being emotionally and psychologically abused!

This confusion will blind you to many other aspects of their abuse and the Narcissist walks all over your heart and imprisons your mind in the process. This is CONTROL and it will get worse over time and be more of a daily emotional beating meant to harm you AND disable you completely. The WHY to all of this is because a Narcissist is severely defective and basically loathes people and life so they have to destroy the goodness that exists in us to justify their miserable existence? What kind of human could take another human to this place and WHY?

You ARE the normal person here but you find yourself explaining things like the reality of your feelings, or your need for cohesiveness but you are talking to a stone as far as getting through to a Narcissist. You are basically telling the Narcissist that they are winning at their extreme manipulation by participating. There is no such thing as empathy, feelings, or being nice with a Narcissist. Big red flag here because adults do not need to be taught how to play nice! Usually it is a five year old that needs a playground monitor and that is what you are dealing with – a five year old liar as well as a delusional bully in an adult body that will NEVER change these sadistic behaviors.

Try as you may to bring resolution to any concern by working through it and you will find yourself spinning your wheels because you will be re-hashing your concern over and over again. They want you to stay in this maze of confusion. They will ignore your every word in favor of crushing your thoughts once again as if your words do not even exist. They want you to reengage to inflict more confusion and damage. They will only repeat the same delusional comments from the original argument and using all of the same words and the same garbage they already threw out at you. They totally ignore any legitimate arguments you may have provided and you are up against a stone wall. NOTHING will ever be resolved unless it is on THEIR terms and that basically involves disabling you and breaking your spirit. With a Narcissist the exact same issues will come up over and over again!

Your mind is always trying to process this duality that exists – you care OR love them and believe in them, but on the other hand you don’t like what they do to you and you find yourself buried under all of this . How can the person you have come to love and vice versa changed so drastically. They haven’t changed, you are only seeing the truth about who and what they are. You just don’t completely get it. What exists is cognitive dissonance. In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values. The theory of cognitive dissonance focuses on how we strive for internal consistency. When inconsistency (dissonance) is experienced, individuals tend to become psychologically uncomfortable and they are motivated to attempt to reduce this dissonance, as well as actively avoiding the situations and information which are likely to increase it. The struggle exists within loving this monster and trying to avoid the unavoidable and consistent managing down (or the dissonance.)

Again all of this is done in an effort to put YOU on the defensive to avert all responsibility and accountability. In any situation where they are threatened by exposure of the reality of what they are the Narcissist has to SHAME you in a manner to stay in control. They have no shame for their actions though and I mean NONE whatsoever. They only transfer their defective qualities onto and into you and basically create strong labels that they attach to you that justify WHY they do what they do. This is really projection. They are transferring their own flaws onto you as well as seeking a reaction that basically confuses or confounds you to drive the point home. They HAVE to respond because they can’t just sit there and allow what they feel are blatant attacks ON THEM because they do NO WRONG! They HAVE to force you into submission so you internalize their attacks as reality of who you are. You are not any of this!

If you were able to pull yourself out of the confusion when they are doing this you would clearly see that their reactions are so delusional and a huge defense mechanism to hide the very truth from themselves and everybody else. My Narcissist had a 3 month or longer affair AND one of MANY! This Narcissist not only lied about it to me but to the other person creating two totally different stories for both of us and neither of us were none the wiser! After the fact both of us were also blamed in different and delusional ways. I was accused of NOT treating the poor Narcissist in the manner that they DESERVED to be treated AND I was the one having affairs (and I wasn’t) so this Narcissist had to right this wrong by HAVING an affair because the Narcissist was so distraught? Well that is distorted in itself! The other person involved was tricked into believing my Narcissist was single and again abused by ME. It is common for a Narcissist to say WE abused them. This is how they pull targets in with sympathy to believe their lies so they can escape ANY accountability!

We live with so much disappointment that what we feel is only relief when they do something decent even as small as it is, and this is what they have conditioned us into accepting. There is no decency in their actions, everything is done in a manner to serve an agenda where they are ALWAYS on the receiving end. A narcissist conditions you to become grateful for their presence in your life and they do NOT reciprocate or appreciate you as a person, you are a servant to them or supply and they have many servants! You pay dearly for every small gesture with your life. Once they have depleted everything they can, they are done with you and will throw you away like you are garbage. You ARE basically garbage to them and they will constantly treat you that way after the discard. They will make sure that your integrity is also redefined and thrown into the garbage heap when they smear you in the end! These are delusional and destructive creatures and we must internalize this and get completely away from them and NEVER try to relate to their world! They will just create a new world for themselves and ABUSE again. In this new world their past doesn’t have the opportunity to catch up with the present BUT it (their destructive past) is there looking over their shoulder and one day it WILL catch up to the Narcissist! No/minimum contact to end the madness and the abuse Greg

You were constantly in this circle of chaos and always wondering – did I, could I, should I, if I and it is ALL YOUR fault, YOU have issues, YOU are the source of every problem – it is always YOU that is to BLAME. A relationship and love does not involve bargaining parts of your life away to meet anybody’s needs!

You were constantly in this circle of chaos and always wondering – did I, could I, should I, if I and it is ALL YOUR fault, YOU have issues, YOU are the source of every problem – it is always YOU that is to BLAME. A relationship and love does not involve bargaining parts of your life away to meet anybody’s needs!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

More than often target/victims turn the blame back onto themselves as they were conditioned to do all throughout the relationship and accept things that they normally wouldn’t. After all it was OUR fault as we were made to believe or better yet conditioned or manipulated into believing! We all got to this place of despair because we accepted the Narcissist’s projection of blame and began questioning ourselves AND it was our emotional bond that led us there because we BELIEVED in this person. What did WE do wrong, to drive them away? What was it about us that was so wrong or lacking that made the Narcissist become so negative or unhappy in the relationship? Were we not good enough, smart enough, virtuous enough like the Narcissist claimed, hardworking enough, beautiful or handsome enough, sexy, worthy, submissive enough, didn’t we give enough, love them enough, did we REALLY have issues like this Narcissist said.

You were constantly in this circle of chaos and always wondering – did I, could I, should I, if I? BUT, it was always the same coefficient with a Narcissist constantly manipulating you and managing you down to believe that you were not worthy or even normal. it always became YOUR issues and never being able to hold this creature accountable for what was only psychological and emotional abuse. We never knew that we were just ANOTHER object for this Narcissist to use and discard. We only believed the lies and fell into this abuse so we lived with the distorted thoughts until we purge them out of us OR until we actualize the truth and get help to move away from all of the negative messages that modified our behaviors in such a destructive manner. THERE IS NEVER any closure with this Narcissist because it was all an agenda that ends with destruction and they are not going to take responsibility for their abuse and be exposed for who and what they are.

Cognitive dissonance is a clinical definition that explains this disabling ‘duality thought process’ of being a target/victim of a personality disordered Narcissist’s manipulation that doesn’t occur in healthy relationships. When there are two healthy individuals in a relationship there are good and bad parts as it concerns two separate personalities meeting, getting to know each other, and merging. But by far one or the other person doesn’t have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality or a mask of sanity that hides a malicious, abusive and destructive person. In a healthy relationship, there is a certain level of transparency, so basically, what you see is what you get and it is pretty consistent, flaws and all. ALSO, healthy relationships aren’t based on emotional/psychological abuse, control, domination and an insurmountable mountain of deliberate lies and manipulation. Furthermore, healthy relationships don’t end abruptly, as if they never even happened because normal people can’t detach so quickly from deeper relationships and JUMP right into another one UNLESS it was completely built on deception and basically one partner is a Narcissist AND extortionist of life! Cognitive dissonance happens in those cases where there is a horrendous contradiction between a reality (that fake love created by the Narcissist you believed in) and an increasingly implausible fantasy (the truth that they ARE personality disordered and abusive) which when fully revealed, would be too painful to accept, so much so that you would rather cling to parts of the fantasy than confront that sad reality and move.

When a target/victim experiences cognitive dissonance, our rational ability to actualize ‘this reality’ or basically accept the knowledge about the psychopathy as far as it concerns the Narcissist’s abuse doesn’t fully sink in at the powerful EMOTIONAL LEVEL. Plus, we never had ‘real time’ experience or knowledge about this personality disorder to help us understand what was happening to us to run away with our life! Consequently, we continually move back and forth between that old idealized fantasy (fake love) that was pounded into our mind and heart and the pathetic reality of the NEW truth about this disordered individual that terrorized our world and try to rationalize it. This is such a confusing process as well as an emotionally draining one too. Just remember that initially, when you were in the idealization phase and LOVED so ideally the fantasy was that this Narcissist could love you and that he/she seriously committed to loving you. Then, once you were devalued and/or discarded, the fantasy still remains because the Narcissist conditioned you to keep believing that he/she is capable of LOVE and loving others, BUT just not YOU so you look inward to see what is wrong with YOU. You feel that you weren’t right for him/her, but NOW someone else can be SO RIGHT for them and it only reinforces the distorted messages. Narcissists don’t know love or feel love with ANYBODY they are only looking for supply. There will be MANY more and newer ‘others’ in this Narcissist’s future but ALL of them are just new objects to use and throw away! Everyone has an expiration date!

This is the fantasy (manipulation) that the Narcissist tries to convince every target/victim of once they enter the devaluation phase and that it is the problem is never with the them (the Narcissist.) Narcissists do truly believe this because they never see anything wrong with themselves or their behavior, so if they are no longer vested in or excited by a person, the Narcissist concludes it must be your fault because YOU were deficient or defiant and didn’t serve them in every way they deserved to be treated – omnipotence. That is where the incredulous stories and lies come from as it concerns the Narcissist pinning this all on you (smear campaign!) Then WHO has ever tested the Narcissist by trying to completely expose them, and were they successful. What law protects a target/victim and makes the Narcissist’s accountable with criminal charges! The Narcissist is a clever thief and usually has minions that claim his/her innocence and turns it back onto us! Karma and time will get them for sure because their lies do catch up with them!

So, what is related to this cognitive dissonance and is powerful? The Narcissist still has a form of power and hold over you and the Narcissist’s distorted standards still have a place in your head AND heart that tugs at you and into the WRONG direction. Call it ambient abuse! Even though you may reject the Narcissist on some level, on another level the Narcissist’s opinion still somehow matters to you (those old messages still playing in your head!) Narcissists are frauds, their actions, words and opinions are distorted and delusional with a personal and self-serving agenda attached to them! The Narcissist’s connections to others, especially the ones the Narcissist CLAIMS to be “the love of their life,” are only empty, controlling, abusive, and fake bonds too. But if you stay emotionally attached or you still care about what the Narcissists thinks or feels, then you are giving a highly disordered person too much power over you or completely handing all of your power to them.

Completely cut those imaginary ties and cut the cord that still connects you to a pathological Narcissist, as well as his/her disordered supporters and their abnormal and distorted frame of reference AND games. Nothing good will ever come out of allowing a Narcissist and his/her pathological defenders or minions having a place in your life, heart, or mind. The connection between the Narcissist’s and their followers/supply is a disordered perspective that messes with your healthy life AND creates the intense inner tension or cognitive dissonance. To eliminate this means to also free yourself body, soul, heart and mind from this Narcissist, their followers and their opinions, standards AND games. What they do, say, think or believe and the silly mind games they choose to play simply does not matter OR belong in your world. What they post on social sites is just another mask they use that hides the truth and them begging for attention!

Totally disengage from anything and everything that concerns the Narcissist. I did a long time ago and I am very clear about my situation and the real truth. I do not connect to THIS NARCISSIST at any level, I pull myself away from ANY and EVERY situation or connection that might exist. Everything this Narcissists does or projects is just more and more layers of ridiculous lies to protect themselves from exposure and the real truth of what they are. I absorbed all of that information a long time ago and saturated my mind with the truth that this person is dead inside and personality disordered! These are words I never believed I would use in my lifetime to describe anybody BUT that is only the truth as it concerns this person so I can say them now! I can also say I am repulsed by this person and their lifestyle. It is all so clear now and that is what moved me forward to live and love again! This was the FIRST step to my recovery but a very important one for clarity!

What does any connection with a Narcissist yield? Just blame, shame, sadness, frustration, a sense of defeat, doubt, constant and conflicting thoughts, many lies, mistrust, feelings of worthlessness, distorted emotions, betrayal, destruction, and ABUSE. PLEASE internalize that despite how intense the emotional upheaval might be, it is so worth getting your freedom back to live life as you should – otherwise what other option really exists? Remember this if you remember anything, you are not weak, stupid, you are vulnerable and struggling to find answers so it is particularly distressing when your normal reality has been intentionally corrupted by what you believed was just a caring and loving human being that turned into this MONSTER! Please remember that your emotions bond you to this creature and that is what you have to actualize and RELEASE FROM by accepting the truth about them as far as the fake love they offered that you believed in – it wasn’t real it was a trap. This is where you must start by rationalizing the truth and rejecting everything about this Narcissist. A relationship and love does not involve bargaining parts of your life away to meet anybody’s needs! No/minimal contact PLEASE! Greg

How do we grieve this relationship?

How do we grieve this relationship – a little insight into the stages of grief with this nontraditional and abusive relationship that we FIRST believed was real, but now know was abusive and a desperate love.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

At some point we finally actualized that there was absolutely nothing more that we could do to try to make this connection, bond, relationship, or love real again by returning to it for any reason. You can’t fix the Narcissist that did this to you, relate to them in any manner, and or be in any contact with them anymore. Their words (and actions of course) are what abused you in the first place so they have no sympathy as it concerns your situation because they purposely put you and I there – and with INTENT. YES this is excruciatingly painful to accept and nearly impossible to believe BUT you have to put yourself in the reality that this person (the Narcissist) is dangerous.

You only have to look back through your experiences with this person to realize that no normal person would do what this Narcissist did to you, nor is there an acceptable reason for what they did, and they aren’t going to change today or any other day for that matter, OR ever help you through this. On the other hand they will trick you more, lie more, abuse you more and COMPLETEY destroy you if given the opportunity, ESPECIALLY as vulnerable as you are right now. You must accept that you are dealing with a highly disordered individual that knows all too well that they have to bury their abuse to avoid exposure just like any other criminal. If you can actualize this then you can concentrate your energies on YOU and not the Narcissist and what you thought was love or basically putting perspective on the situation! From there is still a grieving process but one that has to be tweaked because it was a desperate love!

The five traditional stages of grief and how we must tweak them to include this abuse:

DENIAL – Let’s start with looking at DENIAL! You have been in this stage throughout the entire relationship. Yes you had suspicions, intuition, as well as your Narcissist lying more and more to cover up the truth. You already approached this many times with many excuses to avoid facing the truth about them and now what more would it take to prove than what you have already experienced? Denial was/is just an everyday occurrence in your reality AND also a pattern that was detrimental to the reality of the situation. Well more truth will come out and it will be very debilitating as it concerns your emotions.

This Narcissist is going to be rubbing your face into their new and amazing lifestyle. They are going to brand YOU as the disordered one and even say that YOU abused them and they had to run for their life. They aren’t feeling any pain from the relationship ending because they didn’t love you. They aren’t going to feel the effects of the abuse because THEY abused you and you LOVED them. You didn’t abuse them so they are off and running and extorting someone new and better (well in their distorted eyes!) They are more of a foe then friend and your abuser! They left you with absolutely NO CLOSURE and meant to do so! This is just the real truth that many targets/victims stumble through because the denial keeps them believing in the huge con that they are. Without no/minimal contact the Narcissist will keep you locked up in their abuse until you finally say no and get out of the abusive dance with them COMPLETELY!

Along with the denial is the feeling of isolation. You are in this by yourself because the Narcissist has triangulated every which way, he/she could and isolated you from many of your friends and even your family. They have backstabbed you in ways you can’t imagine and probably are not aware of either. This Narcissist has spent their time controlling you and they have extorted so much of your love and life. It is time that you will have to put a perspective on this and walk out into the world with open eyes and ears, and face this reality. Unfortunately there will be the people that side with the Narcissist but they are not worth your time. You are not the bad person here and real people will acknowledge your truth over anything the Narcissist has done to damage your image. Your vulnerability will make you feel untrusting to most everyone around you, but you need people to help you through this, AND there are people out there than CAN and WILL help you. The denial that exists will cement you to this Narcissist if you are still buying into this relationship being anything but abuse – that is the truth you have to actualize.

ANGER – GRRRR – you are ANGRY and you have a right to feel angry about what has happened to you. You have been totally dehumanized, lied too, extorted, betrayed, manipulated, tricked, conned and your basic rights taken away from you. You are not mad at the fact the relationship has ended but instead your very welfare has been put in harm’s way from someone that seems more like a monster now. They intentionally did this to you! You feel angry that you have been lied to and cheated from the basic rights we all have and DESERVE. You think about revenge, you may even feel a deep disdain or HATRED for this Narcissist. You feel angry for what has been done to you, you feel angry because you feel foolish, you feel angry for all the time you lost, YOU ARE ANGRY THAT YOU BELIEVED IN THIS PERSON AND TRUSTED YOUR LOVE IN THEIR HANDS and they desecrated it! They had no respect for you as a human being and didn’t care about any of the harm they administered. YOU DESERVE TO BE ANGRY!

In essence the anger is good in its own way. It helps you to externalize or project your negative thoughts outward and at the perpetrator (the Narcissist) and bringing you to a higher plane of thought as it concerns the REAL truth about the relationship – you NOW get it! You are directing anger away from yourself and putting it where it belongs – ON YOUR ABUSER! It is a healthy stage but it is not your ‘save all’ instead a step to raise your thoughts to a higher plain or putting them out there and away from accepting the ‘blame’ and locking yourself up in this thought process. BUT it can also be a defense mechanism that externally serves a purpose but internally you have to accept the truth and move on from the anger. It can only soothe you for so long!

Bargaining – the tough stage to understand and embrace. When we hit this stage reality seems to stare us in the face that we lost so much of ourselves to what can only be described as a monster. All of a sudden that pain starts rushing in all around us because we feel like we have a debt to pay to get healthy – one we never wanted to incur or deserved. Our anger shielded us and gave us that rush of adrenalin and some validation BUT reality is here now and we have to negotiate through this.

So where do we go? Again we negotiate with our mind or thoughts and try to establish some form of sensible reality. One that allows the truth, but more than often it can also allow too much room for the type of bargaining that pulls you into the head of your abuser again to understand and justify over and over again and you have to turn this off. They are out there AND flaunting themselves on you, perhaps there is a new ‘love of their life,’ and more than likely they are getting these messages through to you and into your mind. You start reflecting all of these feelings right back into yourself and asking yourself if perhaps they really did change or is there something YOU can do to change all of this once again. That illusion that you loved them and vice versa is still sitting there in your heart and mind so you are starting to justify this with the pain guiding you to places you don’t want or need to be. The Narcissist is out of the picture and no matter how much you want them or the illusion to be real, it isn’t and that is a huge pill to swallow. What happens next?

DEPRESSION – The sadness is overwhelming and even all consuming. The isolation and sadness distracts you in many ways allowing your heart to rule your head and those images of the Narcissist are cycling through your mind, BUT you also see the reality of the huge loss. You have spent time educating yourself and are beginning to actualize the truth of this abuse but the depression and hurt make you basically withdraw into yourself AND your thoughts. Nobody can just erase all of this and you see a long road ahead of you. You just want the pain to go away. This is traumatizing and you are experiencing the physical effects as well. You might have disturbed sleep patterns, difficulties with eating regularly, aches and pains, you always feel exhausted, and your mind just won’t shut itself off so you can have a little peace. You will likely withdraw yourself from the life you led before, and have difficulty with trusting others.

Basically the reality has set in and you begin to feel depressed. You are no longer in denial, because you can see what has happened to you. The defense mechanisms and adrenalin are no longer there and you are surrounded by the silence that the truth seems to shroud you with a different darkness. There are no rescuers there with you, or hugs, or a friendly voice to say it will be OK – it feels like you against the world. It will require every ounce of energy you have to pull yourself back up and your thoughts play a major role and essentially keeping you down!

ACCEPTANCE – finally you are in the last stage of grieving. Really there is no definitive order to these stages and you can end up repeating a stage. When you have reached this stage (acceptance) you totally understand what has happened to you. There is a new meaning to the ‘WHY.” You are no longer searching for answers, and you are no longer deluded or confused, as you were before. You are no longer angry at yourself OR your abuser. You KNOW that there is no point in bargaining, because the person that you believed in is a HUGE lie and very disordered. There is no thought of ever going back to them or even associating with them, or even THINKING about them. You are moving out of the depression, vulnerability and isolation. It is now your time to start setting boundaries and looking inward.

Healing has to involve a deep look inside of ourselves to mend what may be broken as well as looking at some of our wounds that may have already been there that kept us in the dance with this Narcissist. This is a personal journey for all of us. Now is the time to start looking inward because you are getting back to ‘healthy’ and you have clarity over the situation to move beyond it. While you might not agree with what has happened to you, you accept it, and you let go completely. Your Narcissist (abuser) is no longer any part of you. You may have to repeat the steps many times in many ways, BUT when you have reached acceptance, you are finally healed from the abuse.

LASTLY, the important thing here is to stop BLAMING yourself. Stop wishing the recovery would go faster. Stop thinking that the Narcissist is somehow the winner here if you are still hurting. This journey is about you and not the Narcissist. The Narcissist is not happy, they are doing the same thing they did to you to a new target and you must let any thoughts around this go. Many have tried to make contact with the new supply without success and it only pulled them back into the obsessive thoughts about the Narcissist and the abuse. You don’t need that. I had many people tell me that my Narcissist had issues (even the Narcissist’s family,) but somehow I ignored the red flags and didn’t see the truth until I experienced it and THEN I got it. I wish I could save a target/victim from the abuse but unfortunately the Narcissist has them trapped just like they did to us.

Yes, it was a manufactured love that was meant to completely con you. Your concepts of love that you held near and dear to your heart were mirrored back onto you and your reality was manipulated. You were in love or WHAT YOU BELIEVD WAS LOVE. Love is the strongest human emotion and bond in the world, and you felt it with all of your heart and soul which is not anything out of the ordinary or unique because it happens every day. BUT it was unique because it was a love that psychologically damaged you. Your whole belief system has been thrown out the window! Your spirit must heal from the loss of love however traditional or non-traditional (abusive) it is/was. Regardless of the abuse your love was still very real to YOU!

Here’s where the difference comes into the equation. The Narcissist manipulated and controlled you into a state of desperation for their approval or the desire for affirmation and reciprocal love. You worked so much harder for this relationship to become viable and real? You put so much of your time, energy, thoughts, and perseverance into this. And the end result – you were devalued every step of the way and lost yourself. This Narcissist was cruel and made you beg for the smallest validation from them. They forced you into believing that change HAD to start with you OR ELSE. This WAS the most painful experience of your life. Nothing traditional about this!

This is what defines the non-traditional breakup with these creatures. It is not a straightforward recovery, but instead one that requires a strong dose of education as well as a strong arm to pull the target/victim out of darkness and despair with therapy, support and all the help that is available. You are NOT just grieving a relationship you are grieving the destruction from abuse! No/minimal contact! Greg

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth – we never mattered to the Narcissist!

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth – we never mattered to the Narcissist!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

One of the MOST DIFFICULT concepts with this abuse is the realization that you didn’t matter in the least bit to your Narcissist! There is only one person that really matters to the Narcissist and that is himself or herself! You were only one of the many stepping stones in their life or OBJECTS to extort supply from or take whatever you had that they wanted or needed. They objectify ALL human beings and basically harvest what they can from them. You never mattered when they were with you, it was totally about THEIR needs and controlling you to be a constant source of supply. Within this concept comes the many tools in their arsenal of abuse that they used to keep you under their control so they could achieve supply (basically all of their lies that flowed so easily, their lack of accountability, the betrayal, manipulation, etc.) They are predators that seek out prey. It is so hard to conceptualize this truth in a manner to completely separate ourselves emotionally and physically from this person – BUT WE MUST!

We believed and went along with the Narcissist’s charming agenda because we really had NO sense of the reality of the basic truth that they were never there for us exclusively because they conned us into believing they were. Basically, Narcissist’s are pathological TAKERS. Our life lessons never included learning that loving another person should come along with a ‘WARNING’ that there are dark people (abusers/predators) out there looking for someone to drag into a trap by wearing love as a camouflage to gain our trust and then extort our emotions and everything that encompasses our reality to the point of destruction.

The truth is a Narcissist could easily be defined as being a thief of hearts, mind, and life. Trust me they are much more than JUST a thief but it encapsulates the truth behind their actions and agendas. They extort things from people and life just like a con artist does. They portray or pretend to be something they are not even remotely like, and then cash in on their manipulative agenda to TAKE everything they can and abuse you as well. My point is that a thief will break into your home and steal everything they can and they are off and running, and you are left with the loss and devastation of their invasion. A Narcissist would go a step further and burn your house down while you were still in it to make sure there is absolutely NO evidence that would link them to it. Everything with a Narcissists is a conscious act that is there to serve THEM! We HAVE to understand this so we can move totally away from their psychopathy and forgive ourselves for only being a normal and loving person because that is ALL we are guilty of!

Take a moment and look at yourself after your abuse and then compare that to when you started out on this hideous journey with them. If you would seriously take inventory you would see so many levels of loss, to the point that this Narcissist has basically disabled you emotionally and PSYCHOLOGICALLY and this was part of their agenda or dismantling your reality so they could CONTROL you. Write everything down in a journal and make the comparison and spell it out so that you can see it right there in front of you. Whatever you attempted to do in a positive manner because you BELIEVED in them was snatched up by the Narcissist and then they beat you down and made what you did wrong AND you only tried harder because there was no sense in their actions but somehow you believed that you did something wrong that needed fixed. This became a deceptive and debilitating dance with them, part of their plan to manage you down more and more so you felt that you HAD to keep giving and they just kept taking what they could or reaping all the benefits and never caring about the harm they were causing to you and your life. They are the disordered and defective person in this scenario and again YOU are the normal person with empathy and love and YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! These are not just jerks or users, these are destructive and disordered individuals that enjoy the chaos and harm they deliver as they extort your life away from you. That Narcissist (just like the thief) has pillaged and taken everything they could, or all you had to give and then basically abandoned you for more and different supply! They NEVER identified themselves as the abusers they are so they had to con you into believing they LOVED you to get you under their spell to do all of this! They are not powerful, they are not intelligent, they are not normal – they are sadistic!

You can’t engage in a real conversation with them that has the truth (about them OR anything) as the basis concerning their reality or accountability in any given situations. A Narcissist doesn’t have a conscience or anything even near to it, so you can’t expect to have any sense of normality surrounding ANY conversation or connection with them, yet alone the possibility you could make them understand the very truth about any of their disordered actions and lies. There is NO sense of remorse or any guilt associated with any of their actions and THERE NEVER HAS BEEN because what they do to ALL people is really the functioning mechanics of who and what they really are! So what I can say is that you can’t enter into any arena that involves TRYING to get them to be real OR accept accountability for what they are because they turn it right around, ‘lie and deny,’ ‘blame and shame,’ and then return with a horrible rage and revenge directed at YOUR integrity. This became a day to day occurrence with me just trying to exist as an individual. I couldn’t even breathe right without some sort of rage that was so out-of-control that it became scary. So a good reminder to anyone dealing with a Narcissist is that there is NO possible way that you can make them understand or accept responsibility concerning their dehumanization of people – especially when it concerns you. What you see now (with their mask off) is what you get or an abusive Narcissist.

Unfortunately, as I have said many times before, hindsight is 20/20. When you are still in the fog about all of the deceit you are at a loss because you can’t see or understand the overall picture of this abuse and just how damaging they are until AFTER they have moved on. Unfortunately, after the discard you are still under so many levels of this abuse so it is amazing that you can even see the light of day, yet alone realize what you need to do to get away from them without all of the damage they cause. But what I can say is that ‘no contact’ will save you from a great deal of grief and help you get to more clarity as it concerns your situation so you can move forward to recovery – but it requires time so that clarity comes back to you!

No contact literally saves your life and enables you to move onto clarity (and the truth) as far as it concerns your emotions AND their abusive manner that was meant to destroy you. No contact literally stops the chaos to give you the ability to think and relate to life in a normal manner or better yet start to get your normal back. No contact is not meant to be a simple phrase as if someone is telling you to “just move on,” it is a reality meant to stop the insanity or you will end up completely debilitated and destroyed. My unfortunate response to those that have to stay in contact is that any minimum contact is your only hope. If you have biological children or they are family, you HAVE to disengage from ANY emotional connection with them. In other words, you have to put up a wall that only allows you to establish parameters around important matters, and shut off anything else. Easier said than done because the Narcissist means business when it comes to getting back at you especially if they suspect that you are on to them. Mine kept up the abuse for 8 months after all was said and done and it only ended when I enforced the no contact rule and THAT is what allowed me to get to my recovery.

My next suggestion is to try your hardest to seek support from a very select group of friends and loved ones that YOU CAN ultimately trust. Unfortunately, we are ‘damned if we do or damned if we don’t’ respond to the many negative allegations that this Narcissist has waged against us and that can also be some of those closet people in our lives. The Narcissist will distort everything using familiarity (from knowing our innermost secrets) with vicious lies about you to protect themselves from exposure and instill fear into us. Once a Narcissist sees that you have caught onto them they will focus on destroying you and even creating horrendous lies that put you in a very precarious position. They will stop at nothing to prove that you are the source of the collapse of this relationship, a liar, loser, abusive, the person having affairs, etc., and basically the person who deserves all the blame. They can and will slander your good name and integrity. Along the same lines trying to explain your side of the story to people will make you seem crazy because our stories are incredulous! You will only feel invalidated and frustrated trying to tell the truth over and over again and hearing those dismissing comments to just move on because time heals all! You need tried and true friends to accomplish a secure and trusted support network and don’t worry about the rest of the naysayers that don’t believe you because they are not true friends and more than likely minions for the Narcissist. Your best bet is to find and connect with other survivors, a therapist that understands this abuse THROUGH a target/victim’s eyes, and group therapy if one exists in your area. Invest in yourself to get the help that is out there so you CAN and WILL move on and away from them forever!

When this abuse reaches the point that you have been abandoned or ‘you’ have left this Narcissist the truth will be very disabling and will tear at the very core of your spirit or being. Again, add to this that the Narcissist is well aware that you may retaliate, so he/she has been planning their departure many months prior to it happening and they have been doing that damage control by secretly devaluing you to most anyone that will listen! You are overloaded with emotions, and all of the lies that were spread about you by the Narcissist and it is too overwhelming and DEBILITATING! EVENTUALLY the truth will always come out, but you can’t force awareness of that truth until it happens and people will see the true pattern AND then it will work against the Narcissist. Liars have to have great memories to keep their lies straight and Narcissists always operate in a hit and run manner and get caught up in their distorted stories and they can never keep all of their lies straight – mine most certainly couldn’t! I wish I could say that you can speak openly with the truth as you know it and that will fix all of this immediately, BUT it doesn’t work that way. You have to concentrate on your recovery first and let the rest fall in place – YOU ARE FIRST in this equation so please remember this as you start out. Once you are healthy you can speak with the very truth of your abuse in mind where it is necessary.

Because Narcissists do not come with a label that exposes what they are and their agenda, you are more than likely just coming to terms with all of this recently. Our emotions are powerful and even though we have been abused we have to reconcile our very own emotions to fall out of love with them. This is where the educational aspect of learning about this personality disorder is imperative to moving forward. Closure comes from learning the truth through educating yourself about this disorder. With me I stumbled upon the information and the pieces seemed to fit together like a puzzle. From there I also stumbled upon different healing sites that offered viable AND valuable information that gave me the big ‘ah ha’ moment that what I experienced was actually abuse from a malignant Narcissist. I went through the paces of doubting myself and kept in contact with this Narcissist for 8 months after the fact. Mind you I didn’t initiate all of this contact. This Narcissist was luring me into post abuse, trying to set me up and into their big smear campaign, using any and every conversation to gain information and use against me. This shrewd creature was manipulating my words to meet certain criteria and an agenda that would make me out as being obsessed and scorned – I was NEITHER because I was repulsed and moving on.

Just remember what they are and that they ARE dangerous! Always take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. They are running from their reality every day of their life, so never believe that they are better off. They are abusers and they destroy people and families and they will never know real love for all of eternity. Just think back to your time with them and their unyielding deception, lies, manipulation, betrayal and extorting everything they could from your life. You were never the reason the Narcissist acted like he/she did. You were a target of their abuse and so will ANYBODY else that ever has any sort of relationship with them. You were the healthy person that knows and understands what love is. You were the person that cared, believed and tried to grow with this person in a healthy manner. So again, never look back because they will only drag you into their dark world and abuse you even more. There is absolutely nothing you could possibly do to ever change them.

Today I see the truth so clearly and write about it with the hopes to arm other targets/victims with the education and knowledge so that they don’t stumble and fall backwards as I did so many times. Please no/minimal contact to start on your journey to get away from this abuse. Greg

Understanding the Trauma Bond – A relationship like this was an emotional roller coaster ride of extreme highs and lows that kept us in a dizzying and damaging cycle where we couldn’t concentrate on anything – especially our own well-being.

Understanding the Trauma Bond – A relationship like this was an emotional roller coaster ride of extreme highs and lows that kept us in a dizzying and damaging cycle where we couldn’t concentrate on anything – especially our own well-being.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Almost every target/victim that has been abused by a Narcissist goes through a long and arduous period of emotional denial and invalidation. The denial is based on the emotional connection whatever the relationship is/was because a target/victim hangs on to the belief that this Narcissist was real and it is very hard to let go of that. A normal person just can’t turn any type of emotions OFF – but a Narcissist can turn it off just as easily as they turned it on because they weaponize emotions as a tool TO MAKE THEIR TARGETS PERFORM FOR THEM! They DON’T bond, care, develop friendships or any relationships OR love because they don’t have the emotions or empathy to support it!

Because there was a strong connection or even LOVE involved with this person (the Narcissist,) we believe that they could have NEVER committed the atrocities that stand before us! Love is a VERY strong emotional attachment! It is virtually impossible to TRULY accept the hideous reality that the person who claimed to be the love of your life, or a parent, brother/sister, or even your loving best friend is actually a Malignant Narcissist that ABUSES you. No way, this was the real thing, this person totally connected with that possibly LOVED you and you loved them. It was SO REAL and you just can’t ascertain that someone could be that adept at conning you into LOVING them and then being so toxic in your life! You try to justify this over and over again and you keep returning to this powerful emotion that you shared reciprocal LOVE with your Narcissist. Yes you do feel love because you are NORMAL and can love – but that is all you are feeling the love you have for THEM!

You have to think back and recall just how uneasy you felt in this relationship, how YOU were continually accepting the negativity that always seemed to be present when you were together. Think about the lies, betrayal, put downs and so many other things that just weren’t normal to a loving relationship. You worked your hardest at rationalizing and justifying this LOVE and continually tried to fix this distorted relationship (love) rather than accepting the truth from your intuition shouting out at you. You STILL keep justifying that it was love and you must have overlooked something or other that could have fixed everything! WHO was making you try so hard to fix this? Who was telling you everything was wrong and it was YOUR fault? Who never put an effort into allowing you to voice normal concerns? Who silenced you over and over again and why? The truth is that this could never have turned out any different than what it did because it was meant to be temporary! What about the new supply and how quickly this Narcissist JUMPED right into that relationship! Where is/was the love that you kept fighting for?

Then ask yourself how many times you had to reassure yourself that everything WOULD be OK if you did this, that or any number of different things! Also the many important ‘personal’ things concerning your needs that were always dismissed to make and keep this Narcissist happy and it was NEVER enough. How many times were you so confused about crazy statements, arguments, accountability, or the many lies that you probably justified or ignored? What about affairs? Were there any or many? Did you always feel as if you had to explain yourself for most everything you did or said no matter what? Did you feel any sense of normalcy with this person at all? Did you feel like parts of your life had mysteriously disappeared and it isn’t the same as it used to be. You always felt so frustrated in general, confused, anxious, you felt tired or exhausted from day after day of arguments that had no basis, and just the general feeling of unhappiness. Or maybe you feel shabby about yourself or worthless. Is it a feeling like everything has spun out of control in your life and you are WONDERING WHY this has happened! You haven’t done anything different than you have in the past (as it concerned your previous ‘normal’ relationships,) but YOU are always working on something or other to get this relationship right! What is the coefficient here? Where is the distress AND stress coming from? Why do you always feel so ANXIOUS and CONFUSED? If you think about this and compile a ‘distress list’ of all of the crazy making and chaos from this relationship it will be hundreds of times longer than a list that would outline the good things that showed this person (the Narcissist) was actually reciprocating in this relationship.

Was there anyone else (like the Narcissist) participating in the process to make this relationship work or right again or was there actually someone that was making everything wrong (the Narcissist?) Did you ever have a firm grip on this relationship as far as security and a future? Were you ALWAYS walking on thin ice and feeling that at any given moment it would break and you would fall through and drown? Were you giving EVERYTHING you had and received nothing in return? What if ANYTHING actually CHANGED with the extreme attempts that you made to fix this relationship! You and I changed as a result of all of this – we gave most of ourselves away because we were dealing with a psychological abuser and terrorist that PLAYED with us in a cat and mouse manner, and they were so good at it! Yes we changed and lost so much of ourselves in this horrendous game only because we were conned into BELIEVING A HUGE LIE by a manipulative monster! So much of our belief system was shattered as well as our innocence as it concerned how another human being could hate and deliberately destroy another human being’s life. THEN we realize that we loved this monster that did all of this. That is where we start looking inward and applying blame to ourselves in many ways, as well as denying that this could be real and the whole vicious cycle starts and repeats itself over and over again.

With all of the extreme confusion that surrounded the departure of this abusive Narcissist from your life you were left with significant and distorted messages that put the heavy burden of the blame onto and into you and those messages are still living in your mind and heart! This is the same confusion that always surrounded every aspect of the relationship and has now has reemerged and turned into more denial of the real truth with the discard. This denial has planted itself firmly in your life and keeps you in a constant state of limbo in your mind and your heart. It is really a chaotic conflict that keeps cycling back and forth inside of you. Consequently instead of confronting the reality (or truth) you keep turning to every other avenue to reach a closure that ISN’T based on reality and you BASICALLY reject that you were abused by a predator. You don’t really see that it was abuse because you were conditioned to see it as something about YOU that caused everything disparaging in this relationship. When a person is physically abused with a blackened eye for example, that singular action undeniably DEFINES it as abuse to you personally, as well as anyone that sees the damage. With psychological abuse there is no one singular action that leaves an outward bruise. Sometimes you are not even aware of all the actions and words that are harming you. The bruises are on the inside as well as the many scars that build up. It makes it extremely difficult to express the damage that lives in your heart, soul and mind because they are so many there in every level of your life. So where do you start to reconcile?

This is basically conditioning as in being ‘brainwashed’ by a very manipulative and cunning person AND a pro at it! That Narcissist wanted you to BELIEVE that they REALLY loved you, but when they REALLY got to know you in such a personal/loving manner that all of a sudden they realized that you REALLY had all of these horrible issues and that YOU were REALLY defective and abusing them. REALLY? They have been sending this message to you subtly from the very first day they met you and then stepped it up with the devaluation and discard. So look at the focus and where it was aimed – at your vulnerable loving heart and mind! Why doesn’t a Narcissist just take the goods and run when they are caught? Why do they have to play such harsh psychological games to harm people? Why do they have to destroy as much of you as they can? So they can keep abusing new people and avoiding exposure by destroying the evidence!

I think most of us know the root of the problem but trying to get past the emotional stronghold has been the problem and what kept us believing in the huge lie we were living and where we lost ourselves. Through all of this we twisted and tweaked our thoughts so much (performing for the Narcissist) so that we were able to justify most everything in a manner that made us change our behaviors and basic beliefs to meet the needs of this Narcissist so we could keep believing in what we were conned into believing . We believed that WE could change things to make this relationship right again, but what did we change – ourselves – but AGAIN who was telling us to change and WHY? We took charge of trying to make things right and make changes! We ACCEPTED the blame that was handed to us. We accepted silence to avoid arguments. We accepted lies to avoid hearing the truth. We possibly believed that more we did would heal all of the problems! Was it care or love that would heal this? Just exactly what WAS this care or love they returned? Was it totally one sided? Could you even ascertain what this relationship was OR were you always wondering? THERE WAS NO RELATIONSHIP and never will be. It was all about you and I changing or being erased so we would perform to our full potential for this Narcissist. NO/minimal contact to gain our reality that was stolen back again. Greg

ou CAN’T go backwards and return to the Narcissist AND the ABUSE! Just say NO! The MOST we can ever do when we NUST stay in contact with them is to PROTECT ourselves from their chaos and allowing them to drag us back into the abuse with MORE of their lies!

You CAN’T go backwards and return to the Narcissist AND the ABUSE! Just say NO! The MOST we can ever do when we NUST stay in contact with them is to PROTECT ourselves from their chaos and allowing them to drag us back into the abuse with MORE of their lies!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Despite the relentless abuse, rage episodes, mind games, projection, gas lighting and demoralization, SOMEHOW we believe we have a connection, a friend, a beloved relative/family member or we are still in love with these Narcissists on some level and possibly we even feel we will always stay connected OR love them. These messages and the ambient effects of this abuse continuously play behind all of our attempts to reach closure and YES through our recovery. This is part of recovery and we must live it! This attitude or thought process is evidence of how the emotionally abusive Narcissist brainwashes or programs their targets to keep believing in them – that was the huge con, love bombing, or whatever we call this horrendous manipulation they tricked us into believing that somehow keeps us bonded to them. It is akin to an addiction, and our addiction is to the drug of our choice and that is this Narcissist. A drug alters our mind when we ingest it, and brainwashing and programming/conditioning from a Narcissist ALSO alters our mind when we ingest and internalize their messages. Like an addict that will continually justify their returning to the drug of choice EVEN though it is damaging their mind and life and is basically destroying them – it is the addiction message that keeps the addict going back. That message is also in us and what causes us to relapse. The message has altered our mind to believe in the Narcissist against all of the odds and the REAL truth that they are bad for us. In time with education and support we will deprogram this message and be desensitized to it. But we have to always be cognizant of the fact that the abuse message is in our subconscious and destroy it so it doesn’t start replaying itself or we will fall backwards into the abuse pattern again. Along with this we need to do some very deep introspection to heal many broken parts so that we are not disabled by the abuse for the entirety of our life with trust factors, traumatization, depression, anxiety, and isolating ourselves from the world.

It is a fact of life that it takes time to grieve the loss of a significant relationship and that includes normal and ABNORMAL ones. No matter how abusive your Narcissist is/was, you still need to mourn the loss because it was portrayed as normal to you (just more of the brainwashing.) This may be confusing because ending a relationship with an abuser should ultimately feel like an act of liberation and freedom, but for many it is also experienced as a huge loss. It is not the reality of the loss of the abusive Narcissist, but the loss of the ideal fantasy image that was first IMAGED or constructed in your head by the ‘love bombing’ agenda. You are only wishing back a mirage that never existed. In reality this is just a false image that had very few fleeting moments of real sanity. The man or woman as well as the relationship you loved and miss do not exist! What exists and remains in your mind is the ‘what ifs,’ or if I only did this, that or what not, or worked harder to fix this’ THEN everything would have been OK. That is just DENIAL of the real truth.

Add up all of those ‘what ifs’ and look at them closely. For example, “if only he/she weren’t so crazy,” or “If only he/she weren’t so cruel,” or “If only he/she wasn’t such a liar,” or “if only he/she wouldn’t have cheated,” Or “if only I would have tried harder to make this work.” None of that is realistic because no person should feel inclined to take blame for such outrageous justifications! There or no “ifs” when somebody is sadistic and dehumanizes you, confounds your reality, and emotionally and psychologically abuses you. .

Now think about what you could do to help them or what you have already done so many times to correct all the problems. Now put a spin on the real perspective that the Narcissist feels omnipotent and superior, follows no rules or laws in life, lies, manipulates, etc. Will this Narcissist all of a sudden turn over a new leaf because you are hurting and haven’t they hurt you many times before? WELL, even when this Narcissist is hurling the most abusive poison at you, in their mind, they believe that they are being magnanimous for pointing out the error of your ways, so you can improve yourself and be the person THEY DESERVE. In their mind, you should be grateful that they take time from their busy schedule to criticize, abuse and be condescending to you. When they cheated on you it is because you deserve it for not meeting their every need and they justify it as being your fault that they had to find WHAT THEY NEEDED elsewhere. They see nothing wrong with it, or that they lied to cover it up, BUT you better never do the same thing to them. By the way, factor into this equation just what is it that you did wrong in the first place? Nothing! The sun rises and sets on them. They create all the rules and never abide by any of them. This is what a Narcissist does – AVOIDS reality and allow themselves the freedom to do anything they want at will because they are completely entitled to do so no matter how it may harm somebody else EVEN their own biological children! So how do we fix any of that? We DON’T – we can only accept and empower ourselves with the truth of what they are and move on to heal ourselves.

You DON’T bargain with someone so that they treat you well. Being treated with kindness, decency, consideration, respect and acceptance should be a prerequisite for an intimate relationship (or any relationship,) not something you are rewarded with for meeting one of the Narcissist’s unreasonable demands or if the Narcissist is trying to manipulate you into fulfilling their agenda by making you a source of supply. Either a person is capable of a reciprocal relationship or they are not. It doesn’t matter what you do or how nice, patient and understanding you are with a Narcissist. They are what they are, a controlling, cruel, abusive, emotional predator, pathological liar and bully. You can’t appease a bully or persuade them to be nice to you. If you do, they will only see you as weak and bulldoze you all the more and that is what the Narcissist does in the devaluation stage. This predator will always devalue and discard EVERY person that has some sort of relationship with them. They are omnipotent and superior in their own minds. In the reality they are damaged, dysfunctional and destructive abusers – but you will NEVER get them to see this because there is no empathy in them or a real and functioning person.

After I served my time with this Narcissist there was almost an instantaneous relationship that started with a new source of supply. The new supply was only spinning their wheels and trying to make it look real by overcompensating too and it was just the same old same old that I experienced and right there in front of me. This new supply only proved that they were in denial and following the same path I followed with this Narcissist. It took me awhile to get all of this, but when I saw just how pathetic this new supply was to act out in the manner they were (that included attacking me), I also saw something very ugly and that was the fact that I did some of the same things or overcompensating and only enabling my own abuse and ignoring the truth. WHY did I believe in this illusion and this sadistic creature? It made me turn away and look so far inside of me to figure out just why I did what I did. The whys are personal to me just as they will be personal to you, BUT you have to get to them ALSO to move forward with new boundaries! You have to stay on course every day with some kind of support like you are in a recovery program with strong objectives and follow this path completely to recovery. There are many online support sites to accomplish this. You have to accept that when you fall down that you have to get right back up with a new lesson and keep moving forward. You also have to stay on course with the truth that this was abuse. You have to deprogram those messages that keep playing in the back of your mind that this was real love and you can fix this. You have to get back to reality, and the way you use to live and love life! AND you will because you know that way of life because YOU ARE THE HEALTHY PERSON HERE and have the ability to make healthy changes once you deprogram the old messages.

You are in only in denial whenever you consider getting back together with him/her. When you catch yourself replaying those old message of, “He/she is really not that bad. He/she really does love me. I am not perfect either so if we wipe the slate clean and start over again MAYBE this time it will work!” FORGET IT, they are on to new supply with a brand-new game. Remember the Narcissist did not love you even in the smallest way. That Narcissist is not capable of loving you or anyone else because deep down they loathe themselves. They only view you as an object to control and to bolster their false image. We are all props that they use in their distorted, twisted fantasy world in which they are special, entitled, above reproach and not subject to the rules of civility and decency most of us abide by, AND in their world, they can and will abuse people. We have to GET THIS and then leave it behind and concentrate on us! No/minimal contact is just the reality and we MUST get there to start on a journey which is almost a rebirthing process as well as accept that there are bad people out there. BUT we must be able to trust again with our new boundaries. We must live with this as the new message that is always in the back of our mind. We must create these boundaries to protect ourselves and we MUST find and heal the wounds that allowed this predator to enter into our world. Any pain and anger that you feel is the reality that you are moving forward by accepting the ugly truth. Don’t allow the pain to define your progress, but instead allow the strength that allows you to get through that pain to define your progress instead. Yes, you are stronger than you believe because you are still here today and every new day is just more proof of your strength and determination!

When you even start to consider going back for one more attempt to try to fix this relationship ask yourself WHY would you put yourself back into battle and perhaps allow new messages to enter into your head. You are much stronger now and have come a long way with recovery (and boundaries) EVEN if you are one day, a week, or even a year out of this horrendous relationship – but you can’t cross any lines to test any theories out because that would be senseless to go backwards because that is what we do when we start to believe in them again. A relationship does NOT include building walls to protect yourself from abuse. When you have walls, there is a reason and those walls are meant to protect you and no relationship that is real would EVER require protecting yourself from harm. Just simple logic that is true. You just can’t go back because it took you so long to get to where you are and you MUST internalize this reasoning FOREVER. Your new boundaries are your new direction and you can’t ever reverse that direction. No/minimal contact always! Go forward! Greg

The FACADE! It is never ONE mask/façade they wear – it is MANY interchangeable ones to serve a particular purpose at any given moment when opportunity arises.

The FACADE! It is never ONE mask/façade they wear – it is MANY interchangeable ones to serve a particular purpose at any given moment when opportunity arises. You are NEVER speaking to one real person EVER! No wonder nobody can reach them because there are MANY different facades going on there and never ONE real or reasoning person! They never have consistent thoughts – because they are interchangeable TOOLS they use at any given moment and they can’t even recall what they said (lied about) a moment ago!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist!

This façade is the very tool that the Narcissist creates with all of his/her objects to affirm their invented reality. There is no continuity in this ‘false’ world because the Narcissist’s needs are so overwhelming that there are many little worlds in their one big fake world and each one is created with an individual flair for whomever the Narcissist is conning and using for whatever – and they can’t keep track of any of them! My Narcissist had a few relationships on the side that I was not aware of! More than often the Narcissist can merely forget the present role they are playing or one of the many lies they have told and get discombobulated – but they are used to this and will deny any accountability about their inconsistency. I could always tell when there was someone new in my Narcissist’s life because of a new speech pattern or new words I never heard before! They will also borrow bits and pieces from their past relationships and intertwine them into their present relationships because there is no ‘real’ personality to be found in a Narcissist. Basically things that they have learned from the past that help them abuse a little bit better with each and every new target/victim! But they are also extreme hypocrites if and ONLY IF you have some way to know about their past which they keep hidden! These are predators that evolve with each and every new attack on another human being. We have to understand that this façade is the real agenda with these frauds no matter how emotionally attached we may feel.

At its very core, Narcissism is very simple. It operates on the principle that the Narcissist’s COMPLETE convenience and NEEDS comes first AND MUST BE MET. This is not simple selfishness; it is the key component of Narcissism and goes all the way down to their “core” or what makes this Narcissist tick. So, whatever is convenient for them to believe about something is what they believe, AS LONG AS IT MEETS THEIR NEEDS. What that includes is how they construe events, how they construe other people, how they construe themselves – and all of this is done by a creature that has no empathy to care about their actions, lies and manipulation – just needs and only THEIR needs. Their reality is driven fundamentally by their needs and it is not a give and take relationship at all!

These lies are in every aspect and at every level of their world, be it their ‘loving’ home life, with their family, their career, their religious affiliation, their friendships, organizations they engage in, etc. Lies at work, lies at church, lies at organizations, lies to friends, lies to the immediate family, lies to their significant other, lies to keep their secrets, just LIES UPON LIES! Yes it seems like they are able to maintain some sort of stability with any given ‘so called relationship’, but that is only on the surface and it is just to support the bigger façade and usually based on compete and fake charm to achieve their abusive agenda.

They are amazingly good at it though! Think of the Narcissist as ‘The Pied Piper” that mesmerizes anybody that listens to his/her flute – and there are so MANY different and seductive tunes that trap most anybody. For example, you may believe that this Narcissist is exclusively yours but he/she has many other relationships going on even though they are pretending they are in a committed relationship with you. By compartmentalizing people, events, and actions with all of their secrets nobody is ever the wiser! They keep their dirty secrets hidden from the real world AND should you ever catch onto their lies they will defend themselves with more lies to protect themselves as well as destroy your integrity! You can also believe that Narcissist is probably quoting scriptures, preaching about how bad the world has become, preaching morality, and bragging about what a good parent they are too! But they are criticizing you and destroying your integrity behind your back while preaching on their pulpit to their many supporters that can’t see through the superficial charm. Oh and yes they are looking for, securing new supply as they preach to everyone. Somebody always falls into their charm and lies!

Narcissists are just amoral with all of the crazy lies that are solely based on the Narcissist getting what they want and it is just that simple. Of course they need to support the ‘great façade’ first and foremost so they fit into our world or else they would be rejected within a minute of meeting them if people only knew about the darkness inside of these creatures! Narcissists are here and walking among us to TAKE or a better yet extort what they can from every aspect of life through manipulating the greatest resource – PEOPLE. The emotional attachments we form with these critters are formed from the very lies that this Narcissist uses to drag us into their world! Lying to us about how much they care for us or love us is just what they do to get the game going. What a bizarre phenomenon to have to accept as a reality, or having to believe that another human being can con you into connecting or even loving them so completely just so they can extort what they can from you and probably the person that is standing right there and next to you too. BUT again they are so good at it and so seamless with their lies that we feel so personally attached to this warm and loving LIAR!

Life would be simple if we could just expose these critters, but unfortunately they take their game to the highest level by abusing people to get their needs fulfilled. They take a target/victim to such a high with their lies that you can’t see the trees through the forest! It is so personal to each person because the Narcissist knows how to get into your head and extract information to seem like they have so much in common with you! You feel this amazing love they have for you and then you are none the wiser that they are extorting your goodness, life and love and living their normal disgusting lifestyle in the darkness with whomever will participate. They have troops all around them that have also bought into the façade and lies that support the Narcissist’s lies and games and they are none the wiser either. The Narcissist isn’t going to let you get near to the truth about the people they have abused, destroyed and left behind – no they have buried all of those bodies under so many destructive lies that it would take a backhoe to dig up them up and out from under the lies and destruction!

When a target/victim or ANY person falls out of favor the Narcissist will jump to action and do DAMAGE CONTROL rallying negative support against that person from everyone. They are like a heat seeking missile that is seeking out the target/victim that has fallen from the Narcissist’s grace! The target’s integrity is basically destroyed and they become an outcast (discarded!) This can continue for days, weeks, months or even years. It will only end when the target/victim has either groveled or begged sufficiently or the narcissist has a new target to destroy in their delusional world and needs you back to strengthen their inner circle again so they raise your status back up so you support them again! The Narcissist calls ALL of the shots and decides when you have been sufficiently punished and shown sufficient remorse and all of it is dictated by the Narcissist’s needs once again. The Narcissist is a dictator in their world!

So the coefficient here or what is common to every Narcissist is their pathological lying. The Narcissist presents this false self to the world, AND this false self is based on the image of who the Narcissist would like to be OR needs to be rather than what the Narcissist really is (a dark and soulless creature!) It changes with each and every new relationship. So basically the main trait we MUST associate with them is this outrageous and vindictive lying that supports that false mask or front regarding the Narcissist’s supposed love for us, as well as the fake accomplishments/achievements, amazing lifestyle, fake morality, etc. Plus we MUST actualize that the Narcissist’s compulsive and pathological lying means that the Narcissist will not be responsible or accountable for questionable actions BECAUSE they are aware they are lying and will defend themselves. The Narcissist also uses projection, which means falsely accusing others of their crimes by dumping the shame and blame on them – it is a sort of delusional cleansing that the Narcissist uses. Narcissists also create third parties in their ‘camp’ as false allies, or to support a smear campaign. When applied vengefully, the narcissist is capable of pathological lying to severely damage other people’s well-being and reputation. They are completely impenetrable and we have to accept this and move so far away from their distorted relationship with us or be destroyed! This is reality!

A Narcissists lies are only the tip of the iceberg as far as it concerns the many other tools this creature uses to unhinge people’s lives! Sometimes it is important to be reminded of these basics so we can remember that everything was just a big lie and a big con. We have to truly internalize this and kick that Narcissist to the curb and let them end up it the sewers where they belong. Our time and energy has to come back to us because after this type of psychological abuse you basically need to be reborn to get back into life and the real world! Please don’t try to justify anything that allows these creatures any credit because that is what they want. There is absolutely nothing you can do to help them or heal them. You already gave them love and they gave back HATE! They can’t see beyond this hate and envy that lives in them, and you know this from the very heart that you opened up for them with your love, NOW you must actualize they abused that beautiful gift of love and your amazing heart! Get these creatures out of your life as completely as you can and allow yourself to grow and come back to the real world! Please no/minimal contact! Greg

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