Author Archives: ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse

A Narcissist makes you bargain for their approval by constantly maligning you and managing you down with every opportunity they get – then they will even do a reversal and throw you a little compliment or false charm to pull you right back into their game.

They are very unpredictable with their day to day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable/normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos, crazy making, and gas-lighting!).

This behavior is damaging, and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused and controlled waiting for their next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO act so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is controlling to keep you constantly disabled.

They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain CONTROL over you. Be it making fun of us, belittling us, criticizing us, name calling, screaming at us, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making us the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you. They have to have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.

Knowledge is complete power for us to use the real truth to gain the clarity to say enough is enough because nobody deserves this type of demeaning and abusive behavior. Once we say NO to the Narcissist we break the cycle of abuse and they are powerless. That is when WE can take our power back and invest it into ourselves to heal from the damage they cause to us and our lives. YOU are important and all that matters now as far as healing and recovery and it starts with no/minimal contact. Discard everything Narcissist and lock them out of your heart and mind so you can move forward to the REAL life you deserve.
Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

Variety is the spice of life and with a Narcissist it could NEVER be truer. A little bit of knowledge to help understand how they do what they do without feeling ANYTHING!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

More of that TRUTH – let’s really get this! Narcissists are a big lie and they have to always look over their shoulder to make sure they aren’t caught and that guilt is what worries them – THEY DON’T WANT TO BE EXPOSED FOR WHAT THEY ARE but they are also able to dismiss who and what they are so very easily. That is the working mechanism called projection or one of those clinical terms that is repeated over and over again but important in understand this personality disorder. Obviously, they don’t care about the deceitful action they have committed because they repeat their offenses daily – BUT they don’t want to tarnish their shiny selves by being exposed either because they NEED that façade to make their game work – that is where this working mechanism or projection comes into play.

So to start – guess who will be forced to carry the blame/shame for them – you got it – that would be YOU and I! Add to the equation that Narcissist’s are the MOST insecure and needy creatures in this world and that is why they are so self-absorbed with seeking supply wherever they can find it. A Narcissist cannot internalize emotions, feelings, caring, or love so they have to find external stimulation or objects to feel alive. They will build up a façade so completely that they will even use marriage, a family, a career position or whatever to be the fortress they will hide behind to get that adulation and admiration they crave so desperately. It also protects them from being exposed by seeming so real and genuine, BUT they are hiding behind us to shore up their façade and look normal because THEY DO NOT DO NORMAL. BUT and this is big – they are never the saint that they strive and pretend to be nor the amazing person that they project to the world. You are just part of the defenses and façade to protect their image and give them FREEDOM to look normal and do as they wish and prevent them from exposure – well that and attaining supply too. Let’s just simply say they do all of this to fit in or camouflage themselves!

OK so back to the basics of positive and negative projection. By projecting positive things onto the target/victim the Narcissist is using us as a mirror so their virtuosity is “reflected” back onto and into them. It enables them to bask at their glorious image they WE reflect back to them with our love, caring, adoration, and respectful responses, etc. In turn they believe it is their reality and use it so that they can walk around with their superior attitude making them appear as saintly, virtuous, kind, having empathy, love, and the whole nine yards or very charming! SO, in reality they are seeking their own approval as being worthy because they are the furthest thing from perfect or virtuous AND we are only an instrument like a mirror for them to adore themselves and that is as deep as it goes with them or satisfying their vast and empty void. This is the Narcissist’s grandiose and false image they present to the world and use to get what they want and need supply. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING REAL ABOUT THEM and once we get this we MUST move on and away from them completely or else we are only supporting their façade and basically abusing ourselves.

Now to the negative projection. It is basically the same thing in reverse. The Narcissist projects their darkness, their ugliness, perverted habits, distorted thoughts and beliefs, or the truth about just how hateful their actions and deeds are, or their whole reality onto the mirror or us (again). This time they are essentially transferring their negative reality onto us in order to make us feel and appear to be the faulty one. The reflection they get back is another version of their saintly selves as being moral and denouncing the very hateful and perverted things they act on. The Narcissist transfers ownership of their negative and faulty character flaws as belonging to us. By doing this the Narcissist is in effect using the target/victim as a dumping ground to rid THEMSELVES from blame and shame. I would be raged at and accused of having affairs, lying about something or other, told I was worthless or any other number of things none of which were real, but I couldn’t wrap my head around why this person that loved me accused me of so many CRAZY things. In one simple word – PROJECTION! That is why it is important that we understand this clinical word because it is one more piece of the puzzle that will help us achieve our own closure through knowledge/education. NO, you are not crazy or defective you were made to feel this way when the Narcissist transferred their darkness onto you! It is just another form of chaos from a personality disordered person,

What is the main coefficient here? You, me and the rest of the world. Without us there is no way they can participate in life and achieve supply. They HAVE to live amongst us with a believable reality, but they can’t monitor or control their distorted needs, nor do they even see their destructive behavior or perverted lifestyle as dysfunctional because they are too damaged, in complete denial, and just don’t care. Everything you offer them, be it care, or unconditional love is used and abused so they can get what they want period. Their ‘projection’ is the tool they use to HIDE the truth and make us believe. Unfortunately, that façade and mask slips because they obviously will get caught up in their lies and distortion, so they turn them right back around onto and into us as if we are abusive like them! They are very good at this projection and that is why we always end up devalued or they take us from ‘Charm to Harm!” They are also extremely efficient abusers as it concerns hiding their reality to get what they want. We have to put ourselves in a position to truly understand that what they were doing was subjugation to each and every one of us and only destructive and sadistic to US. No there is no real love or commitment as it concerns our time with them and there never will be. Once you get to this realization the pieces fall in place to help you actualize your position as an object that they only extorted and abused!

As simple as it all sounds the Narcissist’s aim is impeccable and all of us are the targets and we make their life work. Think about their attacks. Who does the Narcissist call a liar? The honest person and usually that means you and me, but who is the real liar – the Narcissist? Who does The Narcissists say is bad, dangerous and the abusive person? Well again the good person that actually cares for them and probably loves them and that is us again. They will put themselves before their own biological children and family, and that speaks so loudly about how disordered they really are! Remember though they are quite talented at what they do, and they have all of this down to an art form so their talent for farce is so great that MANY people mistake the Narcissist for stoic and astute as we have all done. They are working that image for sure and making sure they do their own public relations and finding their supporters because they have to hang onto that mask for dear life. But in that definition just remember that their insecurity is so intense that they have to seek out many mirrors (people) to constantly reinforce the big facade or the big lie of what and who they are. They have no room for anything else in their lives other than keeping that façade and themselves viable and alive – but it is not plausible because they are so out of control that they always get caught up in their own game. You can only fake it for so long!

So many times, we see ourselves as foolish for falling for their lies and façade. But put some thought into this, EVERYONE falls for their façade, even their minions, or the naysayers that find our stories too incredulous to believe. So, are they foolish as well for not seeing through the Narcissists façade too? A big YES. So, if we are to accept foolishness then the rest of the world must join in accepting their role as also being FOOLED by the Narcissist’s grand façade! It is OK to be foolish if you realize the truth of the situation and move forward in a new and positive direction.

A Narcissist has the mental capacity of a child with no sense of measure or moderation. So a Narcissist is more dangerous with their thoughts and mouth than an angry child throwing a tantrum because they want what they want and WHEN they want it. They will spew out some poison about someone as easily and naturally as we take a breath of air. Remember a Narcissist only loves themselves and there is NO room for anything else but seeking out people or supply to reinforce their lame façade. They have no normal human relationships because they can only relate to people as objects. As I mentioned above, a Narcissist will project off of their own children as thoughtlessly as they would anybody else that stands directly in front of them and that is just too unnatural as it concerns the human condition. Since a Narcissist is really a severely deranged child with no emotional maturity, rules or regulations, the only reign or hold on their behavior is what they feel they can get away with. So, the more The Narcissist gets away with, the more repressed guilt they have to purge onto some poor target/victim. Nobody escapes a relationship with them without some sort of damage.

This is why you eventually end up devalued and discarded. This creature doesn’t have any expertise in any realm of human relationships, the human condition, or loving anyone. It is only a matter of time that their mask slips and their boredom, true disdain and hatred for the connection they forced on you/us surfaces. Their real disconnection with people is their reality and it ALWAYS sends them off in another direction to find new people to feed their out-of-control lifestyle. WE ARE ONLY SUPPLY and they have to seek out more viable supply to get that high back because they CAN’T participate in real intimacy and let it grow and they only FAIL at it miserably, but they have convinced us that we are at fault and we internalize it as the reality of our situation. They are fighting a battle with themselves that demands putting their full attention to their false mask and fortress, and the only way to always have that strong adulation and admiration they need is VARIETY. Remember that old saying, “variety is the spice of life,” and the Narcissist lives by this.

This is not an excuse by any means because they have the same ability to turn it around in a positive fashion by making positive changes but they are happy the way they are. ALSO remember they will stay as long as you allow them to, but you will lose yourself completely! Don’t feed this Narcissist with your positive and loving energy because that is what they are after. They can’t create this on their own so they have to manipulate and extort it from us and from the rest of life. What does that make them a thief, an extortionist, or what? Well it makes them abusive to people. They don’t invite us into their lives and say that they need our help to be normal or seek our help – instead they trick us, con us, and abuse us to get what they want and then slip back out of our lives after they have gotten it and try to destroy any evidence of what they actually did. The end result from all of this horrendous betrayal is traumatization of a good person or abuse! Start your journey to recovery with the education and knowledge to truly understand that this was situational – then you will be able to start the healing process and take a deep look inside to shore up the wounds and set new and strong boundaries to be able to join life again as well as trust that there is goodness out there in the world. You have the ability to do so and will come out of this and back to a normal life as the amazing person you once were and even stronger. No/minimal contact to end this abuse! Greg

With a Narcissist we are not relating to a ‘real’ person that can reciprocate with any normalcy – so everything we say (or do) will be held against us, used against us, manipulated, changed, and distorted to always manage us down and control us. In time it will completely disable our ability to effectively communicate and diminish our individuality.

In any type of relationship when communication and thoughts are not nurtured in a process to validate another person, ALL areas of the relationship are affected. Communication is the open door that allows two people to exchange cognitive and personal thoughts, to enable growth AND it is meant to be two-way and NOT one-way. We are independent beings that have purpose and we exchange our thoughts normally by accepting our relative differences. The Narcissist manipulates in such a way to cause false interpretations of all of our cognitive or thinking processes to distort reality and make them fail or basically disabling them. When we are manipulated in this manner it affects those important skills that we use on a daily basis. It is like we lose our ability and even our motivation to be effective with simple matters in our personal life that can block our ability to concentrate and learn because we were manipulated in a manner to constantly question ourselves from someone we BELIEVED we could trust and more than likely someone we loved. REMEMBER that this is also very evident with children of narcissistic parents. This is betrayal in the most extreme manner and describes just how disordered a Narcissist is to use our love to create and administer their disordered bias, hate and destruction – AND WHY? Our mind is linked to so many internal processes, and when it is psychologically wounded, other areas will also be affected just like a disease that will spread unless treated correctly – even causing physical damage. It can take its toll and cause long term problems linked to trauma. The treatment is to remove the malignancy, and in the case of this abuse it is removing the Narcissist from our lives so we can heal.

Narcissists do not relate in the same way the rest of us do as far as it concerns empathy, love, and support. That would allow us to be individuals that think independently of their controlling and abusive nature – plus they are not wired with empathy, nor do they love or bond with people. What is logical and reasonable to us, is the absolute opposite to them. It’s one of the reasons healthy people get so frustrated and confused and ABUSED by narcissists. We would never consider making someone angrier or more upset – especially someone we value, care for, respect, or love. To the Narcissist making someone angrier, invalidating their concerns and using it against them is their goal in life. They are big cowards that always lurk in the shadows to hide their identity with their lies, manipulation and perverted lifestyle. Control is power in their world! Remember that you are the normal person here that was disabled by what amounted to psychological and emotional manipulation and abuse. You CAN and will beat this because you are just that strong to do so and you have proved it because you ARE a true survivor to get to this very day. You will get through this by taking your power back and investing in yourself with knowledge and education as well as support from others that have real experience in this abuse. No/Minimal contact to shut this abuser down!
Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

The Narcissist is intentionally distorting and debilitating your reality through extreme manipulation so that you will become isolated and dependent on them as the center of your universe. It is a tangled mess for the victim/target to discern reality from all of these mechanisms that are in place for the Narcissist to succeed at doing what they are doing – or using abusive conditioning TO GET SUPPLY!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

A Narcissist needs to project so many things at and ‘into’ their target to feel empowered and real, as well as deny their own darkness and destructive ways by transferring and dumping everything and anything toxic onto the target/victim. It is a tangled mess for the victim/target to discern reality from all of these mechanisms that are in place for the Narcissist to succeed at doing what they are doing – or using abusive conditioning TO GET SUPPLY! Remember that the victim on their part is relating to the Narcissist through the FALSE belief from the ‘con job’ that they (the Narcissist) are ‘normal’ and able to love, bond, AND capable of emotions – none of which is true in the least bit as it concerns any type of relationship with them.

At any given moment there are lies to defend their delusional un-truths, manipulation to confound and confuse you, betrayal to hurt what you believe is real, back-stabbing to undermine your integrity, triangulation to destroy your immediate circle of friends and family, love-bombing to make you believe the Narcissist is true to you, blame and shame to make you believe you are the destructive force in this relationship, WITHHOLDING to condition you to react as the Narcissist wants you to, raging to make you fearful of your existence, hate to reduce you to feeling anguish, name calling or making fun of you to steal your self-esteem, projection to make you out to be the force behind the destruction, denying you any semblance of your own reality, silencing to invalidate your individualism, punishment to make you accept their way or accept harm as a consequence, smearing to destroy your complete integrity so the Narcissist can escape exposure, AND many more avenues that a disordered Narcissist will travel to manipulate their target/victim into submission. IT IS A DESTRUCTIVE AND DEBILITATING EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE!

Psychological abuse is a process whereby the abuser conditions or manages the target/victim down through subtle to extreme CONTROL. As I outlined above there are so many tactics that a Narcissist uses to do this so that every aspect of the target/victim’s conscious world is manipulated into dealing with the abuse tactics and this diverts and warps a target/victim’s reality over time and traumatizes them. The biggest lie is the charm and love bombing the Narcissist used to trap the target into their abusive agenda. It becomes a 24/7 or full-time job as it concerns the target/victim dealing with so many mind games that are thrown their way. It literally causes their world to fall apart around them and the constant chaos becomes the victims new normal.

The conditioning a Narcissist uses changes behaviors and manipulates the victim’s normal reality and transforms it into some form of fear for the target/victim. Fear is many things with emotional and psychological abuse – fear that the target/victim BELIEVES they really have mental health issues as they are told, fear of abandonment, fear of punishment, fear of loss, fear of rage, fear of destruction at the hands (or better yet the mouth) of a Narcissist, fear of being harmed, fear of isolation, fear of being punished, and fear of not being worthy of love AND life.

This conditioning process ALSO puts the target/victim into a place of trust first where they are joined at the hip with their abuser. Clinically the Narcissist ‘love bombs’ the target/victim literally to death to create this strong emotional bond so they can easily achieve their agenda to pillage, extort and destroy their target/victim’s reality, mind, and soul. It conditions the target/victim to value the Narcissist above themselves because the Narcissist successfully managed the target/victim down, so they DON’T value themselves anymore and becomes dependent on the Narcissist for validation. It is a constant barrage of a combination of manipulative and negative actions as well as the LACK of positive and supportive actions. It is also punishing the victim through silencing, raging, ignoring, criticizing, and forcing them into complete compliance. The target/victim is forced to only consider what the Narcissist needs are, and the Narcissist NEVER considers a single need of the target/victim. Consider that their targets are either people they have manipulated into a relationship with extreme charm and love, or biological children of Narcissistic parents that are born into the abusive situation without ever knowing anything different than the desperate love a Narcissistic parent offers to their child.

The Narcissist disallows individualism in favor of this complete compliance, and adoration of themselves. Failure to do so will only lead to stronger attacks of anger or rage to comply or else. There is no reward for meeting the Narcissist’s needs because they will demand more and more. The target/victim is drained of their self-esteem, worth, and reality and the Narcissist will only go in for the kill with more dehumanizing, destruction and ‘smearing’ their target/victim and then abandoning them and moving on to abuse another. It is purely sadistic and dehumanizing to the victim of this abuse.

With all of this in mind is there anything that is as equally insidious as far as what this abuse does to a good, loving, caring, and moral person that lives with empathy at the core of their reality. NO and I say it again as a survivor of this abuse that has lived within this destructive lifestyle and lived with what was a battle to regain my integrity, self-worth, and life back. This is not a simple matter of going into recovery, it is like learning to walk again, seeing the goodness once more that does exist in life, learning to trust people, rebuilding yourself financially, and basically starting over after being infected by a contagious, destructive, and personality disordered Narcissist.

The Narcissist will always manage EVERYBODY down and condition us to believe that their every action/word (abuse) is a reality that we must accept because we don’t deserve any better. A Narcissist wants your reality, your goodness, and basically your life and to completely accept them as ‘perfect’ or jump ship and drown without them.

A Narcissist will use ANYTHING to convince you that you are seriously damaged. They will prey upon your weaknesses and embellish them to make you believe that you have serious issues. Alternatively, a Narcissist will even use chaotic backdoor psychology on you, or strong and FAKE religious beliefs, or a false consensus from friends, or family about your instability, even from your co-workers, etc. to justify their lies and inexcusable behaviors concerning you. For example, saying things like – ‘I pray for your healing daily,’ or ‘you have issues that you need to address with a therapist,’ or ‘my therapist agrees with me about your actions,’ or ‘my mother agrees with me and understood what I did because of the way YOU treated me’ (this concerned an affair my Narcissist had), or the basic hit and run comment ‘I am right and you are wrong’ and then just walking away! These are nothing more than tactics for deflecting responsibility and reinforcing them with ill placed and FALSE comments from other people that aren’t even involved. A Narcissist rarely, if ever, admits they are wrong unless it is to zap you with a hidden insult. For example, ‘I am sorry for thinking and believing that you were a kind, caring, loving, and generous person’- I see that I was probably wrong about you.”

A Narcissist rarely if ever takes responsibility for their hurtful actions. If you call them out on their bad behaviors, they claim it was your fault for pushing them into it (in other words, you deserved it) and you’re a bad person to make a good person like them (the Narcissist) act that way – they will even say that nobody has EVER treated them like you have. You should be ashamed of yourself! I was continually blamed for my Narcissist’s horrid and raging temper with comments that I pushed the Narcissist to act this way. No, I was a great, caring and giving person and I was not responsible for my Narcissist’s lack of control or disordered lifestyle. Everything I was accused of was only delusional and fake accusations of things I was supposedly doing that would come out of thin air to start an argumentative situation with toxic drama, silencing, and betrayal as my punishment, OR managing down to control me and make me feel constantly confused and worthless. This is their modus operandi or mode of operation. Seriously who ever coined the phrase that ‘talking to a brick wall’ must have been describing a conversation with a Narcissist.

We must remember that knowledge and education are the first steps in our recovery and VERY important ones. We also have to look deep inside of us to fix and heal the very things that ARE weaknesses that this abuser embellished and used against us. We must look at these as our issues that we need to fix within us to be as healthy as we can be when dealing with the world or better yet people. We all have insecurities and weaknesses and they do not make us a bad person or wrong, but they can and will hold us back in life or even allow toxic people to get the best of us. Nobody deserves abuse for ANY reason, but we must also be able to know ourselves well enough to also protect ourselves too. Recovery therefore must address these very things so that we do not ever allow abuse in our life again. Lastly it is to our benefit to set up strong boundaries as well – especially around our personal life and protecting ourselves. We know what these abusive creatures can do from the experience of knowing them, so we must be a wiser and stronger person through the unfortunate lesson we experienced from this abuse. Recovery is a process that not only frees us from the abuse but also allows to do a deep introspection as well as a personal inventory to be the best person we can possibly be. Also, always remember that you are an amazing person, and this was situation. You deserve Light, Life and Love! No/minimal contact to stop the madness and end the abuse! Greg

This abuse is not restricted to just relationships and it is never singular because it affects complete families, friends, organizations, careers, or every aspect of life. Children of narcissistic parents suffer at so many levels so that it stunts their emotional growth, having a true sense of self, or basically EMOTIONAL IMPOVERISHMENT. It emotionally and psychologically cripples these abused children well into adulthood.

Living with or experiencing someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, worthiness, memory, and sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and making you believe you are losing it or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can (control). That is the shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life AND especially with young children dealing with a narcissistic parent that have no concept of emotional maturity or how to deal with all of the negativity. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse! With a child raised in this abuse they have no concept of anything other than the confusing maze and there is NO way out.

Narcissists HAVE to exploit EVERY single interaction with us to gratify THEIR needy ego at our ego’s expense or even DESTRUCTION. There’s no end to it. It’s exasperating, and you never get through that brick wall a Narcissist throws up in front of you constantly, so always remember how much time you have tried to break down barriers to “fix” things. Everything would just bounce back to you as more blame and shame from the Narcissist. It was a relationship that was meant to deny you every bit of gratification or any “giving” from the Narcissist and instead “taking” every bit of gratification (supply) they could for their vast needy void.

This is the reality with a Malignant Narcissist be it a wife, husband, partner, brother, sister, friend, mother, father or whomever. There is and never was ANY type of a real relationship, just time lost with a disordered, destructive, and abusive person and great loss. There is no closure to this abuse because there is no real person or no reality – so we only have the sad truth to embrace to start us out on a realistic path of recovery and yes to heal and join life again. A child of narcissistic abuse may never even know that they were raised in abuse and carry those destructive messages with them all through life and YES it has a stifling and horrendous impact on their whole life. Any interaction with a Narcissist is ALWAYS damaging and destructive to people – that is why we are all here sharing to educate and help resolve these issues with all targets. We CAN and DO move forward, recover and heal from this abuse – and that is where our energy needs to be – forget the Narcissist completely and concentrate on YOU.
Greg Zaffuto – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

It is always your fault no matter what the circumstances or the situation – ALWAYS! Let’s understand this and put a real perspective on the Narcissist’s BLAMING us for EVERYTHING and ANYTHING!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

Narcissists simply bait you with their conversations in an effort to constantly manage you down in an effort to keep you confused and off balance. Just within a normal conversation it almost seems like they are testing you, assessing you, setting you up and that causes you to always walk on those eggshells. They are gauging your reactions to see just how far they can push you to the edge to get a chaotic reaction – that even includes the OCCASIONAL charm or love bombing and again different types of baiting you or simply diversions.

With those chaotic messages, they want you to react emotionally and after they bait you to get a reaction they will tell YOU to calm down, or say you are overreacting and make you internalize their disappointment with you. They want the upper hand always to feel in control so the whole point of this is to get you unhinged and they can and will get down and dirty to achieve this. Conversations are always a competition with them just like everything else with a Narcissist and you are always left out in left field with no real clue. Think of it like this – it is like the Narcissist purposely punches you and then gets angry at YOU and makes you wrong for reacting to the harm they have inflicted on you.

They will use actions as well to drive their point home with you. Suddenly they are not paying attention to you, or they are very eager to get you off of the phone. They will cancel a plan or just disappear without an explanation or basically isolating you and silencing you for no apparent reason. This pulls you RIGHT BACK IN feeling confused and thinking again. When they return you calmly confront their actions and receive a resounding “I’m SICK of always arguing with you – WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??” Well you never started an argument in the first place, you were only reacting in a manner to create some sort of cohesive understanding AND peace, but the Narcissist hones in on your confusion (and reactions) and labels them as arguments. They have successfully manipulated you right into their game to make you believe that YOU are to blame and a defective person. They will more than likely verbalize this to you as well because they love those words.

So how do they do this? Let’s use the example that they cheated on you or they are just being cruel to you. They won’t directly address the truth or reality of the situation but instead they will bring up something totally unrelated from the past that YOU have done wrong. It is sort of like a comparison to divert or deflect from their horrendous actions and basically justify what they have done. It is their way of keeping score, but they are always the winners because they are the scorekeeper. Perhaps you sincerely admitted to something you had done wrong in your past and you shared it even showing regrets for your actions. They will hold you hostage to this and accountable to whatever it was YOU did (even if it didn’t concern them) and then whatever they did really isn’t all that bad compared to your actions. So don’t you even DARE to hold them accountable or complain about what they did because they are going to bring up your indiscretion(s) from the past! This is not normal resolution this is deceptive manipulation on their part to shore up their lies and actions and a Narcissistic diversion and deflecting from the truth.

Again, all of this is done in an effort to put YOU on the defensive to avert all responsibility and accountability AND keep you off balance. In any situation where they are threatened by exposure of the reality of what they are the Narcissist has to SHAME you in a manner to stay in control. They have no shame for their actions though and I mean NONE whatsoever. They only transfer their defective qualities onto and into you and basically create strong labels that they attach to you that justify WHY they do what they do. This is really projection. They are transferring their own flaws onto you as well as seeking a reaction that basically confuses or confounds you to drive the point home. They HAVE to respond because they can’t just sit there and allow what they feel are blatant attacks ON THEM because they do NO WRONG! They HAVE to force you into submission, so you internalize their attacks as reality of who YOU are. You are not any of this – AGAIN this is part of their extreme manipulation techniques – and one of many!

If you were able to pull yourself out of the confusion when they are doing this, you would clearly see that their reactions are so delusional and a huge defense mechanism to hide the very truth from themselves and everybody else. Educating ourselves about the truth of what a Narcissist is AND does is one of the most important aspects of recovery. It is the bridge that takes us to recovery. To heal we must understand, we must expel everything that we internalized from the manipulative Narcissist and their abuse. We have to realize that these are non-functioning individuals that are predators. There NEVER was a relationship with them, there NEVER will be a relationship with them, AND they are NOT capable of having a REAL relationship with anyone!

Let’s sum it up with this – if you can’t use your words with them in a manner to have a real conversation, or share your thoughts, express yourself. Or just talk normally than what do you have? Nothing! Communication is imperative to ANY relationship and if it is not there than there is no relationship whatsoever. This is the reality with a Narcissist because they are one huge control machine that is programmed to dismiss every aspect of your individuality. There is a lesson in all of this and that is that we have to completely actualize this and move on no matter what because we are not dealing with a normal person or anything normal with a Narcissist. There was never one conversation you have had with them that had any basis of reality because they have none to offer.

Along the same lines they do not change after we depart from them. The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure as well UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation or the ‘same old, same old!’ They probably ran off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day so let them be where they are. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. NO, they will only manipulate you more and use more projection to always make YOU out to be the person at fault. They are securing new supply and you reached your expiration date. ANY attempt at a connection would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! You couldn’t affect change with them all throughout your relationship, so you are not going to be able to do that now either. The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along. No/minimal contact to truly get the clarity you need to move forward! Greg

The repercussions of a relationship with a Narcissist.

Victims of narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something. Their confidence becomes so low that they have trouble making simple decisions, questioning and re-questioning things. This is a direct result of the psychological abuse used by Narcissists to instill confusion and anxiety in their victim to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. This is skillfully guided by the Narcissist and it clouds the victim’s reality with the use of leading statements like “I never said that”, “You are crazy”, or “you are imagining things.” The Narcissist will even step up the game by reinforcing these statements by backing them up with statements (false) from friends, co-workers, or relatives that agree and ARE very concerned. It is done to isolate you, so they can be in charge of controlling your reality – or better yet distorting it completely.

Gradually, the target/victim will NOT trust their own perceptions and doubt themselves completely. This more than often also induces depression and anxiety – two separate issues that will have to be dealt with as well as the ‘other’ consequences of this hideous abuse like traumatization. The target/victim is totally broken and unable to trust their own perceptions in life (the ones we take for granted as just knowing what to do in life, etc.) so they isolate themselves because life is just too confusing, and the anxiety causes too much fear. The victim now doubts everything about themselves, their thoughts and opinions, their ideas and ideals. Ask yourself here and now if you are experiencing this, maybe it is a feeling of hopelessness, fear, confusion, or just an abnormal sense of life, one where you feel very alone and without a real objective to change or fix this by moving on. Targets/victims will become co-dependent on the abuser for their reality and the Narcissist loves this because that is their goal – TOTAL CONTROL of your thoughts and actions and they are at the steering wheel driving this abuse full forward. Who does this but a corrupt human being with a dark agenda? Who could take, steal away, or destroy any portion of another person’s life for any reason yet alone the agenda of a highly disordered Narcissist that is basically hate AND an extortionist.

OK – YOU CAN BEAT THIS! You have the ability to unlearn what the Narcissist has conditioned you into believing about yourself. That old saying “A horse can be led to water, but they can’t be made to drink it” – well lets change that a little bit and say “A horse can be led to water and taste it, drink it and swallow it – BUT it can stop drinking it, walk completely away from it and not only find a better watering hole BUT greener pastures and other fully functioning horses.” You must do this so that you aren’t stuck in a fog of lies that will only guide your life in a negative and destructive direction. What the Narcissist has internalized in you can be purged out and EXTERNALIZED. Move yourself away from any level of this abuse by knowing that you and only you can change and find normality and the reality of a better life. Say no to the Narcissist, say no to the messages in your head that say you are not worthy, SAY NO TO THE ABUSE. Those negative words and debasing actions are only a curse/spell that the Narcissist casts out on the world and it can’t stick if the Narcissist doesn’t have you under his/her spell. Once you have the education that enables you to see the very truth about this abusive Narcissist, you can remove yourself and break the spell. You have the power to govern your own will and what you will do with your life. You must take all of that power AWAY from the Narcissist and give it back to yourself. Yes of course no-contact – but when you have to have minimal contact use the truth to really see the evil that is standing in front of you and disengage in your mind from any emotional thoughts, words or actions they send your way because they are like bullets from a gun and only meant to harm! You are stronger than you know because you are here today, and you have survived this disaster or the abuse from a Narcissist.
Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

We were all objectified to fulfill the Narcissist’s NEEDS. Like a great actor, a Narcissist draws from an audience or a particular person to create a reality that is believable and we, as the audience, become engaged with the complete story, emotions, beliefs, feelings and all. We empathize with the character in that fake script and we believe that show they put on for us.

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

FIRST and FOREMOST, most of us fell in love with one of these Narcissists – but it was FAKE, not real, a con job and a means for them to use us as Narcissistic supply. Huge and I mean an ABSOLUTELY huge betrayal and the sign of a highly disordered individual, so implant this message firmly into your mind! They thrive on admiration, so they select an audience or a particular person that fulfills their particular need at any particular time that they have that need and that is key here. We were all objectified to fulfill THEIR NEEDS. Like a great actor, a Narcissist draws from the audience/person to create a reality that is believable and we, as the audience, become engaged with the complete story, emotions, beliefs, feelings and all. We empathize with the character in that fake script and we believe that show they put on for us.

The Narcissist is just like that actor, but he/she isn’t doing it for entertainment purposes – this is their whole life and reality that is ALL based on lies. We don’t know it is a huge con job at the time because our hearts are ruling our heads and we don’t know that he/she (the person we are with) is not a fully functioning human being as well that lacks any and all empathy. Furthermore, we do not know they are abusive and will destroy our lives and run off with whatever they can take from us. Read this paragraph to anybody that hasn’t experienced this abuse and they will probably shake their head in disbelief and think you are crazy – BUT IT IS THE TRUTH. NOW imagine if you will that it is JUST as crazy for us (target/victims) to relate to and try to put it in a realistic perspective to create our own closure and recover from a predator that attacked our lives in this manner! This is new to you and at this point you have spent more time in the NON-truth of your situation than you have with the truth that you are finally realizing. So, it is a process to achieve the clarity and that is how no contact is going to help you achieve this. From there you WILL be able to move forward and heal the internal wounds with deep introspection and a will that will drive you through recovery and back to a real life and freedom.

If we honestly evaluate what has happened during the aftermath, we can identify times where we were in full-fledged denial of the obvious facts – I sure was! Our partners had changed, and we chose to believe that their viciousness and cruel behavior was caused by something we had done wrong. A big NO to that because we were in denial of this barrage of manipulation that a shrewd Narcissist used to fulfill their agenda. Our intuition WAS warning us but our hearts and mind were ignoring that. It is also not a sign of weakness or stupidity on our part, instead it was a slow and insidious process of extreme manipulation, betrayal, and brain-washing that stole our self-esteem and changed us. It is not hard to understand how it could happen because a Narcissist employs an array of manipulation techniques that warps human emotions AND the very ones we all cherish and try to emulate into our lives – and that is love. Love is many things that includes happiness, trust, personal bonding, empathy, attraction, growth, etc., or a very normal, unconditional and REWARDING emotion that can be real with a real person, and once again the Narcissist was nothing even near real. They know about love, but they use a “fake love” to grab our trust, take what they wanted, then destroy it all right in our faces and manipulate us back to take more – basic positive and negative conditioning!

So, we fell (were conned) into LOVE. But an unnatural and abusive love is nothing even remotely near a normal love and it comes with a great price. That price is the very truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem and belief system. We constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND ourselves and in doing so, our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools. Their manipulation, betrayal, control, lies and acting out conditioned us to provide them with supply and they stepped up the game to get the most, if not ALL they could from us OR until they were caught and identified as the abuser they really are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change or adaptation we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth and THIS became our normal trying to make this work. We didn’t give them the power to abuse us, we MISTAKINGLY opened our hearts with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise. THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO because they repeat this cycle many times over with many people and lie to cover it all up!

So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship that believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, love, individuality, AND a real relationship) only tried to follow the natural flow or path of a NORMAL relationship. Unfortunately, what we didn’t know is that we had inadvertently set the stage for Narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them. That is a big NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM. Like a spoiled child, a Narcissist will act out in rage against ANY individual who is keeping them from getting what they want or constant supply, admiration, adulation and total control over their target. So, what that interprets into is ANY individual that has personal needs (or basic individuality) is in direct conflict to the Narcissist’s agenda of complete admiration and adoration. You and I both know that can’t be remotely possible in any given relationship.

During what I call my “processing phase” I thought about all the arguments that seemed to come from nowhere and escalated to an “out of control” status for absolutely no reason. There were never any questions asked, instead there were always accusations from my Narcissist CONCERNING me. I was everything bad or evil, everything mentally ill. I was perverse, having affairs, lying, cheating, stealing and anything else bad that this Narcissist could think up. It was the creative and DESTRUCTIVE mind of a highly disordered person acting out of their deep seeded pathology. These were really diversions and projections of what this Narcissist was actually doing to me and they were shoved down my throat in an effort for this Narcissist to release from the shame and blame they should HAVE OWNED themselves for these hideous acts. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the knowledge and education to process this as Narcissistic projection and shame dumping, so I processed all of this the best I could and that was by basically shaking my head in complete confusion and trying harder to fix things!

Next it was an attempt to make me feel totally and unequivocally unworthy through making fun of me, triangulating, back-stabbing, isolating, silencing and punishing me. This defines the relationship with a Narcissist, or totally and hysterically dysfunctional with an edge that always serves the Narcissist’s agenda. I reflected many times on some of the Narcissists arguments or statements that now seem so characteristically insecure and childlike to me. It was such a surprise coming from an adult, but I justified it and wrote it off as this Narcissist’s “immaturity.” I wanted this Narcissist to be the person I believed the Narcissist to be when my heart assigned itself to loving this Narcissist and somehow I would resolve or justify my own beliefs. If you love them, you will accept them for WHO they are and work with them, time will work to heal all of this and the bigger picture was what was important to me. Too bad I didn’t realize the PSYCHOPATHY behind all of this. REMEMBER there was a great deal of “love bombing” so the Narcissist could gain our trust to get us to believe they were our soul mate that LOVED us – and that created the emotional bond to them. I wasn’t overlooking the obvious because I wasn’t seeing the WHOLE picture or the lies, cheating, betrayal, brain-washing and everything else that is kept so hidden from all of us. That doesn’t happen right away but instead when it is too late, and you have formed that strong emotional bond with them AND after they have been subtly gaslighting, manipulating, and conditioning us.

That is, perhaps, the most difficult and devastating outcome of a Narcissistic relationship, mustering up the strength as well as adopting the position to accept that your partner was just pathologically abusive and cruel AND now you must abandon them and the relationship COMPLETELY or ‘no contact!’ It is a difficult and an unnatural process to have to dump the past as completely as you can as well as your emotions, dreams, plans, the family structure (they abandon/abuse their own biological children as well), with all of those years you spent together and the memories that are also fake. IT IS AN ABHORATION of human life as well as human dignity to use/harm/destroy another individual in the manner a Malignant Narcissist does. After you get to your ‘ah ha’ moment or the truth, you are then left with the arduous task of finding yourself again with this monkey on your back.

So here we are with the truth. We have to stand up again and brush ourselves off and start walking forward again and realize our own vulnerabilities in the exchange with this Malignant Narcissist. We believed it was love when it wasn’t, and we are in a place that is called abuse (which is new to the equation) and the journey to recovery must start NOW through this understanding of JUST HOW DISORDERED this partner was to our entire life. Now we MUST go “no contact” because we have educat ourselves with the truth and we have to stop anymore attempts on the Narcissist’s part to abuse us anymore BECAUSE THEY WILL.

Apart from all of that, I live and I love again as an outcome of taking the first step of ‘no contact.’ Now I accept that there are people in this world who represent darkness and evil and I DO NOT allow them anywhere near my life. It is not my place to fix them, make them better or to even tolerate them – but it was my responsibility to learn new boundaries and close any and all of the doors that kept me in such a negative relationship – this is a personal journey for all of us and one we MUST take to recover fully. Life is good without Narcissists/Psychopaths and toxic people that always try to drag us into their negativity and backward world. I also know myself better, I am myself, I love myself, I enjoy life, and find the world a wonderful place to be in. I have good and great relationships. I know that I finally faced the truth and worked through it which included fixing certain parts of ME. I was not a deer frozen in the headlights and stayed in that position dazed forever. I was an adult with many resources and I learned how to use them. I accepted that abnormal people had entered into my life. I accepted that they left damage in their wake and I needed to get them out of my life. Unless you do that, unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out. You will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU, instead it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life. Educate yourself and go “no contact” AND educate others once you understand the reality of this abuse and the damage it does to many undeserving and beautiful people. You are amazing, and you CAN and will beat this! No/minimal contact always! Greg

You are Worthless, you have Issues, you are the source of EVERY problem! CONTROL is power to the Narcissist! They divert, blame and REACT in a constant and consistent behavior that is always meant to debase us.

One of the most obvious signs of malignant narcissism is the way they constantly malign others. They are constantly remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider that love should never hurt a person, nor should we have to bargain for it, or take us down a road of destruction. Ultimately REAL love can make us sad when we lose a loved one but that is the reality of unconditional love when someone near to us is suffering, or we lose them completely – and that is more or less grieving a REAL connection between two normally functioning people.

There is no unconditional or conditional love with a Narcissist but there is psychological abuse MEANT to intentionally harm and damage a target/victim that the Narcissist has chosen as their prey and conned into their world with FAKE love – but it by no means is anything near a conventional and loving relationship. Real love grows and doesn’t diminish another person’s spirit. Always remember that the love that you felt for this person was as much a part of the psychological abuse (love bombing) or a manipulative tool just as the devaluation stage was. These were all the tools of the Narcissists trade – brain-washing, extreme manipulation, gas-lighting, pathological lying, hideous betrayal, many sexual partners, etc., or the cycle of abuse with a Malignant Narcissist. Knowledge is power to gain the clarity and release from the negative messages we internalized from these abusers. Break the cycle of this abuse with no/minimal contact to and take back your real power that this abuser tried to take away from you. YOU can change and recover – a Narcissist will never change and will always remain in their dark, empty, and pretend world going after their next fix of supply just like any addict would..
Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

The Truth – A relationship with a Narcissist is like being a prisoner of war to a cruel and demeaning emotional terrorist. There is no individuality – instead you become an object that is severely manipulated and managed down to serve a personality disordered individual. There is no REAL love only a desperate love that a Narcissist dangles in front of you.

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

The Narcissist has used their effective manipulative and cognitive skills by putting you on the defensive and using/distorting your personal conversations, interactions, and thoughts against you to manage you down (devaluation phase) as well as to triangulate you with the personal information they have gained to use against you. They are so adept at utilizing everything they can just from knowing us. Interactions between two people, as it concerns support in any relationship isn’t a court of law where one person is the judge, jury and prison guard AND town gossip like a Narcissist is because that is the role they demand in ALL relationships. A successful relationship requires healthy communication skills and even healthy disagreements. Healthy communication skills require sane and healthy cognitive thinking from both parties. There is nothing healthy or sane about a disordered and abusive Narcissist.

In any type of relationship when communication and thoughts are not nurtured in a process to validate another person, all areas of the relationship are affected, and it is more apt to be described as ‘control.’ Communication is the open door that allows two people to exchange cognitive and personal thoughts, to enable growth. We are independent beings that have purpose and we exchange our thoughts normally by accepting our relative differences and normally people grow together through compromise. The Narcissist manipulates in such a way to cause false interpretations of all of our cognitive processes to distort reality and make them and us always fail and become disabled – EVEN when they manipulate us into believing they love us or the big con. When we are manipulated in this manner it affects and disables all of those important skills that we use on a daily basis, so this relationship was doomed from the moment you met this Narcissist. After a while it is like we lose our motivation to be effective with simple matters in our personal life even blocking our ability to concentrate and learn because we were manipulated in a manner to constantly question ourselves from someone we BELIEVED we could trust and more than likely someone we loved. This is betrayal in the most extreme manner and describes just how disordered a Narcissist is to use our love to create and administer their hate and destruction – AND WHY – to objectify us to fulfill their many needs? Our mind is linked to so many internal processes, and when it is psychologically wounded, other areas will also be affected just like a disease that will spread unless treated, even causing us physiological or physical damage to our health. It can take its toll and also cause long term problems linked to trauma.

It is strikingly similar to being a prisoner of war to an extreme emotional terrorist with the brainwashing, gas-lighting, the constant manipulation of facts and the truth, punishment, and emotional/psychological destruction. Some of those areas that become affected are cognitive functionality like our attention span, our day to day memory, how we process things in our daily life, our long/short term memory, how we see and hear things, AND our logic and reasoning abilities. AGAIN, this is basically brainwashing in an effort to slowly but methodically break us down and render us useless and worthless as an independent thinking and speaking person or CONTROL. Narcissist do not allow individuality because they are cruel dictators that must completely captivate and control their target audience. This is what describes the abuse, and this is what is damaging to the target/victim’s well-being as far as it concerns the psychological abuse that is imposed on you/us. The most striking aspect of this is that it is dealt to us in a slow and insidious manner like being around a slowly leaking and poisonous gas that has no apparent smell, so we don’t know the danger we are in because we take it in slowly and when we finally realize, the damage is already done and the effects can be long term.

Narcissists are dishonest or better yet liars, they give mixed signals, always running hot and cold. They triangulate everybody by playing people against one another to maintain control AND they avoid real commitment because it doesn’t exist in a world where there is no give and all take – they are life’s extortionists. There is never one real working relationship with anybody that DOESN’T include this abhorrent manipulation. We are all a means to an end with a Narcissist and that is extracting their supply and destroying people! What was so familiar and even mimicked loved so realistically was just a lie with an agenda.

It is amazing how much abuse and suffering targets/victims tolerate. Even when it is obvious to the people around us like friends and family, the victim may continue to defend and protect the Narcissist which only compounds the problem. This is the power of their (Narcissist) mind control and manipulation to get at want they want. Narcissists are expert manipulators and use a combination of fear and guilt to control their sources of Narcissistic supply. The effects of these techniques persist even after the Narcissist has left the relationship. In fact, the influence of their mind control can last for years. A Narcissist will frequently contact a previous target/victim and the target/victim will sometimes start up the relationship again, thinking that this time will be different, because the Narcissist has promised this, but they will only step up the game to trick you and drag you back into the abuse!

If and when the Narcissist returns it is only because they are just looking for a quick and easy ‘fix’ of Narcissistic supply because they know they already have you locked into their abusive mind games because you are there and re-connecting with them AGAIN. THEY will disappear just as easily as they came back. ALWAYS remember we can’t be or act civilized with a Narcissist by remaining on friendly terms. Never forget that Narcissists always have a needy and destructive agenda.

One last thing and please internalize this! Despite the relentless abuse, rage episodes, mind games, projection, gas lighting and demoralization — SOMEHOW — we believe we are still in love with these Narcissists on some level and possibly feel we will always love them. These messages continuously play behind all of our attempts to reach closure and YES through our recovery. This attitude or thought process is evidence of how the emotionally abusive Narcissist brainwashes or programs their targets/victims to keep believing in them and they will keep it up for as long as you allow it. This is part of recovery and we must live it and dispel those messages AND the Narcissist because there was NOTHING real about this person and they meant us harm! That huge con, love bombing, or whatever we call this horrendous manipulation they tricked us into believing was what they used to betray us and take advantage of our love and life. It can be akin to an addiction, and our addiction is to the drug of our choice and that is this Narcissist that conditioned us to be dependent on their emotional manipulation by using love as the bait to gain our trust and BELIEVE in them. A drug alters our mind when we ingest it, and the brainwashing, programming, and conditioning from a Narcissist ALSO alters our mind when we ingest and internalize their messages. Almost like an addict that will continually justify their returning to the drug of choice EVEN though it is damaging their mind and life and is basically destroying them – it is the addiction message that keeps the addict going back. That message is also similar in us and what causes us to relapse or again BELIEVING in them through the mixed-up emotions. The message has altered our mind to believe in the Narcissist against all of the odds and the truth that they are bad for us. In time with education and support you will deprogram this message and be desensitized to it. But you have to always be cognizant of the fact that the message is in our subconscious and destroy it so it doesn’t start replaying itself or we will fall backwards into the abuse pattern again.

REMEMBER the Narcissist’s agenda! They always want something and that is Narcissistic Supply, be it help, support, money, sex, etc. They prepare the groundwork with their manipulation to acquire whatever those needs are. Also remember if they feel threatened by exposure they will want to neutralize the situation with their manipulative CHARM or throwing you a little bone to get you to believe in them ONCE AGAIN. They don’t want to be exposed as the abuser they are, so they will keep you feeling near and dear to them until that ‘new supply’ is secured and they have destroyed your integrity to a point that YOU seem like the abuser AND crazy one – or the HARM part. YOU deserve so much more so step outside of this and see it for what it really is and discard that Narcissist and every thought about them out the door and into the garbage. There is a real life and a real world out there and one you knew before – come back to it. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

%d bloggers like this: