Author Archives: ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse

It is so very important to understand the truth about these emotional, manipulative, and destructive abusers so we can completely break ANY bond we have with them!

LOTS of information today! It is so very important to understand the truth about these emotional, manipulative, and destructive abusers so we can completely break ANY bond we have with them! We MUST realize how dangerous it is to be caught up in ANY part of their toxic world.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Their sole pursuit is their omnipotence WITH complete compliance – or to be seen as God’s gift to the world through pathological deception and destructive acts of emotional and psychological terrorism to all people! They are only hiding a very damaged and dark world. There is no cure for them, and this is evidenced by the many people that have offered unconditional love to them only to be rejected and destroyed through their efforts. Love can and will heal all and if it does not then it is beyond human capacity to change a person that is this devoid of the natural goodness of life and they are only soulless creatures. Ask yourself why they imitate love, or why they wear it as part of their disguise if not to achieve their destructive agenda. They know it well enough to use it but obviously they cannot be it.

They create scenarios to discover your weakness or fears and store them away to manipulate you later. They do not use language as communication, it is for hiding, deflecting, avoiding, masking, & manipulating because their charm is completely false. They take pride in their own righteousness and rightness. They attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They NEVER believe they make mistakes even when they proof is right there in front of them. They have an innate inability to feel, process or truly understand shame from the negative and hurtful things they do to others – they can only blame and apply fault to everybody else. Contradict them a few times and you will feel their out-of-control narcissistic rage.

Their conversations and interactions are not meant to enlighten, but to confuse, control, and consistently create drama. They are a huge VOID, working to get whatever they can from you – basically they extort life and lives. They expect you to lend a listening ear and give them constant and complete approval. They use emotional withdraw and silencing to create guilt, compliance, and control. They will betray personal information and secrets to feel more powerful. They will manipulate and use flattery or protests of their innocence (crying, pleading, and begging) like a stealth weapon to achieve their agenda and get their way. They will use verbal skills to block or deflect accountability for their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle and sift blame onto YOU. They impact lives negatively but miraculously escape exposure even appearing to have some positive effect and you end up the negative aspect of the relationship with them.

I want to educate, describe, and give some insight about some of the typical ways a Narcissist maintains their ‘center of the universe’ agenda or omnipotence. How they operate as well as some of their manipulative reactions to warp our reality through blaming, shaming, drama, invalidating, making fun of your insecurities, and sharing secrets with others to triangulate and make you out to be the biggest piece of ‘poo’ in the world to build themselves up. This is all categorized as their manipulative CRAZY MAKING!

They will fake or imitate sincerity, caring, and honor under the guise of good intentions with an agenda to GET SOMETHING from you or anybody.

They blame and blame some more and then blame again, NEVER taking personal responsibility for anything they do wrong which is most everything!

They are HIGH maintenance creatures because they need your constant attention, praise, and deference to all their whims, fancies and needs without a single consideration to any of your needs. Deprive them of something they want and look out as they reveal their true destructive nature through raging!

They COMPLETELY lack all empathy, so they just do not care who they harm, use, or abuse! It does not matter if it is you, me, their mother/father, brother/sister, biological children, friends, senior citizens, husband/wife, the pastor/priest, law enforcement officials, and judges – get the point they will psychologically ABUSE everybody!

They may put on a great show, even smile when they meet you and even ask “How are you?”, but seriously they are not interested about you as a living and breathing person, yet alone an individual that shares this planet with them – you are only supply! Think of them as a trained parrot saying, “Pauley wants a cracker” but with them it is more aptly described as “Narcissist wants some supply.” There is no meaning behind the words with Pauley or the Narcissist, it is just a learned behavior to get something they want.

If you ever dare point out one of their many flaws or an error they made, they will strike out at you in a poisonous and defensive mode like a snake. They will counter any notion with anger, venting, rage, silencing, ignoring you with a cold shoulder, or abandon you as DUE punishment.

They will create some amazing and exciting plans, but rarely will make them happen. They want you to anticipate their generosity, but they will never offer anything more than the empty words. It is all ‘make believe’ or better yet “manipulating you to believe.” Basically, it is a ploy to make you believe they are giving and caring. Ask them about the non-existent plans and they will turn it around on you saying you just never seemed interested, or they never said this or that, etc.

They will shift blame onto you to purposely make you feel defensive, then they will belittle and devalue you for being defensive, saying you are ‘an angry person’ or over-react taking everything so personally. Since they do this so seamlessly, they always keep you in a place of insecurity and confused. They totally invalidate your ability to have any opinion as far as it concerns their words AND actions! You are always frozen in place to deflect the truth of what they are AND they will keep you there forever trying to only please them until you stop believing.

They will help you out in some manner but make you feel indebted for the little thing they have done AND they will keep reminding you of it! It invalidates the bigger picture of all that you have done for them.

They are psychotic blowhards, braggers, browbeaters, psycho-bullies, arrogant, big-headed, and one enormous lie.

Whatever they may do to help you out, they will make you feel beholden to them FOREVER. But they are never appreciative or even acknowledge any help you give.

They are extremely skilled at making and warping your reality with their words, actions and manipulations basically conditioning you to crave their constant approval.

They build you up then knock you down. They will make you feel loved and incredibly special, then they emotionally distance themselves from you to keep you unsure of the relationship and your reality.

They are a mishmash of behaviors and actions that they have harvested from different people they have met at different times in their life. All their ideas or ways of behaving in any given situation are stolen from others, people they know or perhaps think of as an authority. They morph into these qualities like an actor memorizing their role in a play or a movie.

They push your buttons like an elevator, with constant ‘ups and downs’ to keep you off-balance blameworthy OR the very opposite of this with positive compliments to lock you back up into the cycle of abuse.

They groom you with subtle to extreme manipulation with a combination of charm and rage (harm) to keep you controlled.

Their sense of omnipotence and self-importance (extreme neediness) means that they will manage down the conversations of others and back onto themselves.

They are PATHOLOGICAL liars, using all forms of lies to deceive. To quote a friend of mine, “If they are breathing, they are lying!”

They treat people as servants and expect them to do mundane things or always pay their way, since they feel so deserving and too important to do them. They manage people down to be more of a servant to them without a voice.

They constantly use “I”, “me,” and “my” when they talk because they are the most important thing in the world – it is ALWAYS about them.

You will very rarely if ever hear them talk about their innermost thoughts, life, memories, or dreams, because there are none that are real and personal to them – they will LIE and make up situations to create a false image of their extreme goodness and amazing life. They will pose in a picture with their biological children as if they are such a real participant in their world when they just happened to be in a situation where their spouse did ALL of the work, and the Narcissist poses for the photo opportunity only but did NOTHING real to support the spouse’s efforts in raising them.

They remain at a childlike level of maturity where there is never any growth – there is no operable maturity in their thinking.

It is always “me, myself, and I” and never ever “we” unless they need something, so they manipulate you once more to believe in the “we.”

They express fake empathy and use it as a tool that they con unsuspecting targets into their lair of darkness.

They only “give to get” by being nice or helpful expecting reciprocation. Always an agenda to get or take something as supply.

They present themselves as “having it all together or being on top of the world” never showing or divulging their many failures, weaknesses, AND darkness!

They shift to a defensive mode and/or rage very frequently when they feel threatened or are made accountable for their deceptive manner. This is a HUGE control mechanism to keep you in a subservient place or role in their lives!

They apologize, but it is ALWAYS shallow and never means there will be a real change in the bad behavior they were called on, it just means they are reeling you back to abuse you more for supply!

They deflect or run from their own problems rather than addressing them responsibly AND just blame someone else in the world.

They will demand your trust rather than earning it – and they will never be transparent enough for you to see any of their real qualities only the fake ones they create to shore up their ‘good’ image. They KNOW that they are not real enough to trust, so they always deflect to hide what they really are.

They see you as an extension of themselves, an object to use, you are never an individual and they will resist your every attempt at freedom from being a source of supply.

They re-write history, create incredulous and false stories, euphemisms, make up their own rules and laws but obey none. Their truth is completely FALSE!

They always talk about themselves to stay in control – our role is that of an entity like a mirror where they can stroke their ego through the false image, they reflect onto us!

They find all your weaknesses and exploit them to make you feel vulnerable.

They honor NO personal boundaries and rarely listen or respect your “No.”

They will easily take advantage of others to reach their own goals without giving their actions a second thought. There is absolutely NO empathy in their world.

They will take or steal whatever they want from you or anybody. What is yours is theirs (without asking!)

Their façade is to always appear to be tough-minded, unyielding, and unemotional to remain in control of others. But they will react to criticism with anger, blame-shifting, shaming or humiliating others to maintain their façade.

They fail to recognize people as individuals and consequently demean, devalue, and dehumanize everybody that enters their lair of deceit.

They are very aggressive, hostile, verbally vicious, MEAN, and will punish anybody that wounds their delicate ego. They will divert to their defensive mode and will rip you apart with their rage and disgusting mouth. They think nothing of physically making fun of somebody to empower themselves and this makes them feel like they are in control.

They will vocalize regret for their actions, but it is for ‘show’ and only for a short period of time. They will soon rationalize it away with blame, shame, projection and basically dumping it all down our throat as being the problem and not them.

They are ALWAYS the sexiest, best looking and they will tell you how this person and that one checked them out and ‘wanted’ them. Their appearance is important, so primping in every mirror, and fastidiousness is common ground for them.

They talk in such inappropriate ways and believe that they are above reproach, and we actually want to hear their perverse words or listen to their descriptive dialogue about their out-of-control lifestyle.

They will rationalize everything to make sure they always come out on top by negating praise that is appropriated to someone else.

They will steal your idea, your quote, your plan, your wisdom and EVEN your life and make it their own. They will fake their credentials, re-write history, name drop, lie on their resume or about their credentials – anything to get what they want without earning it the correct way.

They can create destructive chaos in any organization or business environment and cause dissention among the people that work there. This includes volunteer situations, church organization or virtually any group setting that they join.

This is a PARTIAL list of how they successfully make their ‘crazy making’ an operative agenda in every situation. Their abuse is never confined to just relationships they abuse every person and or situation that they are a participant. Their abuse is all too familiar to their families, biological children, friendships, co-workers, and organizations they are involved in. Unfortunately, the closer you are to them the more apparent their abuse becomes. They charm their way into everybody’s lives and ALWAYS harm them. I coined the phrase from “charm to harm.” Allowing a Narcissist into your life is a train wreck waiting to happen. You must avoid them like the plague because their crazy making is psychological abuse that severely damages people, their careers, and their whole life. No/minimal contact is the only anecdote to their destruction and poison! You CAN’T allow them into any aspect of your life! Lock them out of your heart and mind! Greg

Coming out of the fog of abuse – our first steps to recovery! Some general information to hopefully guide you through the chaos, destruction, and discard so that you have a small advantage that may help you understand the confusion and negative feelings you are experiencing NOW and go from there.

Coming out of the fog of abuse – our first steps to recovery! Some general information to hopefully guide you through the chaos, destruction, and discard so that you have a small advantage that may help you understand the confusion and negative feelings you are experiencing NOW and go from there.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto- Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

This abuse in itself confounds or confuses us in so many ways that our thoughts are never centered on any one issue as it concerns US – that is the TRAUMA associated with this abuse. More than likely the negativity that surrounds you is ever present, consuming, and preoccupying your every thought process. It surfaces as anxiety, depression, shock, fear, isolation, grief, or the whole nine yards. These are actually the first tiny steps that start us out on our journey to recovery and that is unraveling the confusion and sorting it out. We KNOW something is just not quite right. We have to acknowledge the confusion to know it, and then we process it. There is not anything unusual about these experiences as confounding as our thought processes are, but we have to understand that it is a part of the process we have to go through first and that is unraveling all of the confusion. It is what you hear described as the ‘fog’ that we are in. From this your voice becomes the tool to externalize those confusing thoughts to help you put some order to the disorder. Believe me it will come, but like everything else you have to start someplace.

When you actualize the situation, it isn’t just grieving the emotional connection that we felt for this person, but a new reality that they were there and actually extorting our life, our connection with them, and even our emotions and trying to destroy us – just the reality of this abuse. The truth about them now becomes a huge influence on our thoughts and feelings and it confounds the situation even more as far as clarity. It is clinically called ‘cognitive dissonance’ where we have two conflicting realities. We believed we were in love (or had a connection with them), but we also know that it wasn’t real love/connection but instead a huge betrayal of our love/connection from an abusive person. Not easy to have to believe the truth because they are so far apart and polar opposites. Nor is it us ignoring the facts that this abuse was staring us in the face. Sure we were aware that there were problems because this Narcissist was acting out in cruel ways that we personally understand from our experiences, but we were trying to be real WHERE THERE WAS NO REAL. We were being manipulated in the cruelest way by someone (a Narcissist) that was monopolizing on their deceptive ability to manipulate and manage down our healthy thoughts. This is subjugation of a human being pure and simple or denying the human rights we all deserve. This is our new reality and we have to explore this so that we can actualize the truth.

It doesn’t make us weak it was brainwashing, control, and extreme betrayal that created the confusion that blinded our ability to move forward in the positive direction we wanted. Everyone tells us we should have seen these flags or signs, but it is not JUST THAT, it was also about the manipulative influence that kept us believing – BUT we did get it eventually. I heard the same things, and I did get what they were saying. Repeatedly I was asked how I missed the obvious signs that my Narcissist was “off” in so many ways, AND supposedly they saw it. But I was ALSO off my game in many ways after the many years of this abuse and just too vulnerable! Narcissists break people with emotional and verbal beatings because they are just that sadistic.

 What it really boils down to is the reality of the WHOLE situation that built up to this. We didn’t take on a Narcissist knowing they were damaged and destructive. We took on the possibility of a shared partnership (so to say), or the possibility of starting on a journey that could be that “love of our life” and that is absolutely normal to every person. Yes, we were swept up in a whirlwind romance/connection and sure that was a red flag, but really other people have experienced the same and made it work (in the normal world,) so why would this be different for us? The red flags came later and AFTER we fell into our fake love/connection BUT we believed it was REAL love/connection and were controlled to believe this.

The extreme charm and attention they gave us or ‘love bombing’ was just the trap that started us on our journey and what imprisoned us in their dysfunctional world. we bent so much so that we almost snapped. But little by little we were managed down to bend more and more until we got to that breaking point. But where was that rule book, supportive person, or Narcissist cop that should have been patrolling and arresting all these Narcissists. Just some dry humor but the truth is that nobody really knew that this person was very damaged and meant to harm or destroy us. Yes, friends were there for brief comments, but they didn’t know the actual danger that we were in because in reality we didn’t know this either. Abusers wear many masks that hide their true nature and defective parts because they have to in order to abuse as they do.

Lastly, how many people have experienced or dealt with these two conflicting realities in their past – being made to believe in love/connection but it was all a con job to harm us or them! I had no reference in my life that alerted me to any of this and why would I? This is why it is nearly impossible to go to our loved ones or day to day friends for the actual support to help us through this. We need REAL insight from experienced people, positive solutions, and sometimes help from professionals – BUT we can do it and become a survivor and even thrive! Greg Zaffuto

WHAT we really are to a Narcissist! With a Narcissist, you are NEVER an individual with any needs of your own – you are cast as a performer to serve their needs. It was a role you were emotionally manipulated and conned in and out of and you were only dehumanized, subjugated, and objectified by a personality disordered person each and every time they needed you as supply. Everything else ‘in between’ was just their psychopathy and games that kept you so locked up in confusion and believing!

WHAT we really are to a Narcissist! With a Narcissist, you are NEVER an individual with any needs of your own – you are cast as a performer to serve their needs. It was a role you were emotionally manipulated and conned in and out of and you were only dehumanized, subjugated, and objectified by a personality disordered person each and every time they needed you as supply. Everything else ‘in between’ was just their psychopathy and games that kept you so locked up in confusion and believing!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

What does a Narcissist do when we demand our individuality or ask to be treated as a person SHOULD be? They manage us down into the smallest pieces they can and act out to control us, silence us, and make us feel small and worthless. They have numerous tools in their arsenal, but the most efficient of all is replacing us with another person when we do not acquiesce to ALL of their needs – it is just what they do because they cannot bond beyond using us for what we have and what they need so they will just find someone else to replace us. What is the message the Narcissist is sending? It is no big deal to find another person to fill your shoes. This truth is crazy to comprehend, but it depicts the true nature of a relationship with a Narcissist, and they just go on with life switching out their partners like buying a new pair of shoes – everyone is an object that takes a turn in the Narcissist’s life.

Think about it in real and practical terms. When we are talking about the ‘real’ relationship with a Narcissist remember this if you will remember anything – the relationship with a Narcissist is NOTHING that concerns romance, unconditional love, bonding, or a healthy relationship that grows with them, we are talking about the subjugation of an object and WE are that object. Yes, Narcissists exploit their partners just as if they were an inanimate object that they will replace or throw out in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, they play a great game of making us believe we are more than that because it is all part of the mechanics, they use to pull us into their agenda to become their latest object. That charm or love bombing is the trap they set for every target soon to be victim!

A Narcissist will find a way to put a partner in their ‘designated position’ or better yet a dehumanizing and disabling role that is only meant to consistently numb the victim or keep them in that fog of confusion to basically serve the Narcissist’s sadistic needs. A Narcissist tears down a partner’s equality and worth with many manipulative and devious steps that steal away his/her power AND the Narcissist in turn empowers themselves through this controlling behavior. These are highly insecure and envious creatures at heart that manipulate, betray, lie, cheat, extort and every other disabling thing they can do as well as hide the truth of their disordered nature. What else would you or could you do if you are akin to a fictional dark and empty creature like a vampire but seek out and find victims to suck the life force out of. A Narcissist will always find a way to unleash their toxic waste or sewage on the rest of us. SO never try to grasp at the vision they have a happy, normal, and fulfilling life now or ever. Everyone that gets to know your Narcissist will only become their next target for their fake and psychotic pursuits that define their abuse.

Most if not all targets/victims are generous, trusting, normal, and kind people and basically this is why the Narcissist was attracted to you because your empathy and love was strong and in place for this Narcissist to exploit. It is a fact that Narcissists are sadistic, cruel, and insensitive and their actions toward people are very painful. It is cruel, dehumanizing, and basically criminal what they do to normal, loving, and good people AND it is impossible for us to wrap our heads around it all but remember Narcissists are not normal by any means and they do not have the empathy that we possess. They are unable to feel, sense or appreciate feelings, compassion, or other people’s needs. They do not acknowledge, or respect boundaries and they will consistently trample them down, especially when they are discarding you and moving onto their NEXT victim. When you are wondering or worried about them and not caring for yourself, they are not considering anything as it concerns YOUR well-being or the hurt you are feeling because they just do not care. A Narcissist is always so absorbed with THEMSELVES and after that horrendous discard you are just the past, but they will wring every last ounce of attention (good or bad) out of you before dumping you especially when they are moving on to their next victim – BUT and really know this because it is huge – only if you let them!

NEVER fall into the trap of trying to redeem yourself with them because you are only reacting to more of their manipulation because they WANT to confuse you even more to keep you so far away from the truth. You cannot ever fix the past with them, change them, rescue them, save them, or communicate with them. If you do, they will just set you up to manage you down MORE and drag you back for a little or a LOT more of their abuse. A bit of advice from this survivor, and that is find ways to stop yourself from trying to re-connect with your Narcissist. You must stop completely and ignore your Narcissist with the strongest boundaries you can create! Remember, every minute you let them sit in your thoughts YOU lose a little bit more of yourself and you have already given up too much! Do not let them occupy space in your heart and mind once you know the truth about what they are – DISCARD them from your heart and mind forever.

ALL their repressed feelings from the damage they inflicted on so many people they avoid like the plague, and they just don’t deal with it. They do not want to struggle with blaming themselves because the real truth would make them implode. Yes, they do not care about what they have done, but remember that is how they are wired or how they rewired themselves and their internal mechanics. Their life is built on this premise, so it is also their reality (or basically lack of reality). Their extreme denial represses anything that would blame them as being the problem and that is buried so deep in them and a huge part of their world or a working mechanism in their disordered personality. Clinically they dump all of this through projection or basically blaming you in a disordered and dysfunctional method for everything they have done to you. Think back to things they have accused you of or the crazy and nonsensical arguments and how you would shake your head in disbelief wondering where they came up with this garbage – that was them projecting and dumping their toxic waste onto YOU.

That is why their lives are spent running a marathon or from one trivial distraction to another, and another because they must keep their mind busy and AWAY from the real truth of who and what they are. In my estimation, it is pathetic when you catch on to what they are doing. Remember that they were doing this when they were with us, always searching for something or someone else and BLAMING us because we just did not offer everything they needed – but you, me and everyone else gave everything they had. This is why so many Narcissists are also addicts too, but basically they are addicted to their own neediness and seeking out some sort of external attention. All these creatures are doing is trying to escape their fate of ultimately being alone because of how damaged they are, BUT they never seek out any form of help to fix themselves. Unfortunately, they are not cuddly creatures that you can love and help because they will devour you to protect themselves from seeing their own reflection and reality and this is why they abuse us. They can’t face themselves, so they ultimately blame and destroy each and every person that becomes involved in their life and calls them out for their abusive ways.

Narcissists HATE to lose so they must wage a war and WILL only pursue a victory (in their mind only)! With any argument or even the discard he/she is not pursuing YOU to get you back and make proper amends, but it may LOOK like they are pursuing you. The Narcissist wants to put things right back to the way they are SUPPOSED to be with them psychologically abusing your mind and controlling your every move. Remember if you give in, forgive, adore, and admire this creature AND take him/her back they WILL incorporate some punishment for you “abandoning” them. They want you back but on their own terms, with the same degree of selfishness, psychopathy, AND abuse. Nothing has changed and if you respond to him/her and give them another chance, you will regret it and keep ending up at the same place over and over again AND one day discarded completely. The story ends the same way with every relationship.

It is a vicious cycle that will only destroy you if you keep repeating it. If the Narcissist can keep you under his/her control AND they will manage you down deeper and deeper into their abuse and having an incredibly happy time of it indeed. I hate to admit it, but I was guilty of this for 8 months after my relationship ended, but the positive thing is that I finally ‘got it’ and moved on and away from more abuse. I just didn’t understand the dynamics completely enough at the time, so I kept stumbling through it.

Your only hope for success is to completely go no contact or minimal contact if you have children together. You cannot still be friends or have the occasional e-mail or ANY contact whatsoever. Narcissists who have been dumped or abandoned you will NOT be normal ‘ex’s’ any more than they were normal partners because they are abusive. Respond to a Narcissist in any manner and he/she will without a doubt hurt you and devalue you again. Every little contact, every chance encounter, will set you back in recovering from what has been a psychologically traumatic experience for you. This was a toxic bond and not any type of NORMAL relationship that will yield anything near a normal closure with them. Remember you cannot heal from the trauma you are experiencing by reconnecting to the source because it will only add more and more layers of that same trauma. If you are going to recover from this, you MUST stay away from them. You WILL eventually get a clearer vision of reality once your mind gets some well-deserved peace AWAY from their chaos, manipulation, and abusive ways.

If you were married and have kids together, the Narcissist will make your divorce proceedings a living hell just like they did in your marriage. The Narcissist will act like they cannot wait to get rid of you, and then stall and impede the divorce as much as humanly possible just to make sure you know who is in control. And that is BEFORE the real nightmare begins, with the custody arrangements. You need to stay strong to get through this, AND then you still must deal with them until the kids are grown.

I hope this information helps you understand that a Narcissist is in this only for themselves. You were never a part of anything but instead a part of their agenda to extort your reality and life and to entertain themselves. Mine played and still plays the same music but I have plugs in my ears and blinders around my eyes and I just do not buy into any of the attempts or the garbage at all. I have moved on and found my place, happiness, and love again. This Narcissist will NEVER have a chance of ever knowing me again or even getting near to it no matter what game this Narcissist plays at. No contact means never again! I had the truth that gave me the vision I needed to return to a complete life of happiness and love, and so will you if you only allow it. You must get out of the darkness to experience the light again and get back to a real life that you once knew. You will see goodness once you leave this distorted creature and their negative messages completely behind you. Give yourself that chance every day – you can never look back if you seriously want to move forward. Please stop believing the lie! No/minimal contact! Greg

WHAT Narcissists say and what they do are ALWAYS two totally different things – their words are props that they use to manipulate a person or situation to THEIR advantage! They feel completely entitled to everything and anything without ever earning it, working for it, asking for it, or showing ANY appreciation for anything – it is THEIRS to take and pillage!

WHAT Narcissists say and what they do are ALWAYS two totally different things – their words are props that they use to manipulate a person or situation to THEIR advantage! They feel completely entitled to everything and anything without ever earning it, working for it, asking for it, or showing ANY appreciation for anything – it is THEIRS to take and pillage! Narcissists view the world as their playground to take whatever they want and never give back – it is ALWAYS and ONLY about them and the deception and destruction they inflict in the process.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

What defines a Narcissist? ANY lie they can create or mask to fulfill a need or another personal agenda or better yet con job. They view or better yet PORTRAY themselves as omnipotent, moralistic, religious as well as many other things that they stamp onto their worldly resume – none of which have any real connection to who and what they are – abusive and destructive predators that want something from EVERY person they come in contact with. They will use whatever they can to CHARM it out of them AND then try to destroy the person they abused. There is no marriage vow, bond, or connection to love that prohibits a Narcissist from doing exactly what they want because there are no consequences they feel internally and really there is NO RELATIONSHIP with them.

It is ABSOLUTELY amazing how a Narcissist can cover their tracks to hide what can only be described as their perverse, toxic, and out-of-control lifestyle. Remember they are not doing this just to be the amazing actors that they are. These are deceptive and abusive personalities that need this disguise to extort people and life using whatever instrument of abuse they can to achieve their agenda – the best word here is that they are cunning like a fox – but always remember that they will attempt to destroy all of their targets/victims to avoid exposure. This is who they are, and it works for them, and they do NOT care who they harm as long as it benefits THEM!

It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism too) HAVEN’T ever experienced someone who is a Narcissist – but they were COMPLETELY conned by the Charm. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who just do not have any closeness or role in their life to see reality of who and what they are. Once you get emotionally close to a narcissist, THEN AND ONLY THEN do you get to see them drop their carefully crafted and charming mask that hides the out-of-control and abusive creature hiding behind it AND that is after they have TOTALLY fooled and conned you.

A Narcissist never looks inward in a manner to see that they have a personality disorder, or that their world is built on lies and appearances – that is merely a clinical definition for us to sort of understand them. Furthermore, they never admit to being wrong, doing anything wrong, or having wronged or destroying the many lives that they do. However, the Narcissists HAS wronged others, be it cheating, lying, manipulation, hurting them emotionally or physically, BUT a Narcissist manages to project blame on and into the targets/victims and everyone around them. They also have their minions and a new supply to support them or filter their lies through, as well as hide behind to avoid exposure.

In fact, the Narcissist will view him/herself as superior or above the rest of humanity. Narcissists do not see themselves as the SELF-SERVING pathological and destructive person that lives their entire life like a parasite using and taking advantage of others, objectifying people, and then moving on once they have been emotionally drained and damaged a person. Nor does the Narcissist see how flimsy their thin veneer of lies, and false credentials are. No instead the Narcissist will project their false image and describe themselves as a hero of sorts or even a saint as far as it concerns humanity and their role here on earth BECAUSE it is their working mechanism in life because otherwise, they are just a huge void! This is part of their disordered and damaged self that enables the Narcissist to live in complete denial of the damage they inflict onto people’s lives. There are no written laws, rules, or regulations that a Narcissist will follow. They are in COMPLETE denial of their false lives! They have absolutely no notion or care as it concerns right and wrong or truth and lies because empathy does not exist in their world and defines their personality disorder.

The Narcissist considers him/herself above the norms of goodness and elude or defer that any of their action’s borderline being outright evil toward others. That is the double-edged sword that they attack the world with. The truth is that their lives are all about double standards or what serves them – if it wasn’t for double standards, they would not have ANY standards at all. A Narcissist will stand tall and preach about morality as if all cheaters should burn twice in hell, but as he/she is giving their lecture from the pulpit they are also surveying the room to find a little extra supply to have on the side. But the Narcissist is not a cheater in their mind – they are DESERVING because they are special and above reprise for their actions in life.

The real definition of a Narcissist is that of a creature that is so preoccupied and focused on their every desire, pleasure and need that it completely blinds the Narcissist from reality and self-blame. The Narcissist re-writes reality to fit his/her delusions and with every taker AND it is like the Narcissist winning the lottery when they find a new target to extort and harm. They relish the chase and kill and love the spoils they have stolen from the very people that treated them with kindness, love, and respect! CLARITY is what saves us and moves us onto recovery. Knowledge, education, support, and NO/Minimal contact! Greg

The UNSEEN ABUSE that only WE see and know because it happens behind OUR closed doors. That Narcissist’s CHARM that soon turns into HARM when we let them into our lives, our world, our head, and our heart! It is time to ‘boot’ that Narcissist out completely, close that door, and bolt it shut so that Narcissist can never return and get back in.

The UNSEEN ABUSE that only WE see and know because it happens behind OUR closed doors. That Narcissist’s CHARM that soon turns into HARM when we let them into our lives, our world, our head, and our heart! It is time to ‘boot’ that Narcissist out completely, close that door, and bolt it shut so that Narcissist can never return and get back in.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist skillfully weaves their manipulation into our lives to make us become dependent on them by isolating us, distorting, and destroying everything around us that is real to us, and then all that is left for us is THEM. They make us believe in them as if they ALONE are our savior to blind us from reality. They tell us how people talk about us, or this or that person is not good for us. They love us and ONLY want to protect us with this truth and HELP us, but they are subtly planting these distorted messages in us to get us to believe in them completely and isolate us and keep us close to them alone! These messages do their magic by making us feel worthless and as if something is terribly wrong with our lives and with us. In this process they are also gathering personal information from us to USE AGINST US too. So they are also telling these very people that love us that WE are also talking about them and they need to be CAREFUL as it concerns THEIR connection with us – this in turn isolates us completely.

Charm and love were what the Narcissist used to con you into the abuse by gaining your trust and a commitment to them as well as keep you connected and believing in them. The abuse was the working mechanism that this Narcissist used to control you, manage you down, isolate you, disable you and then use you completely to meet their needs. The WHY does not matter because you cannot fix this disordered person, nor should you attempt to. You saw that by loving them you were only abused, what could be more powerful than your love and why allow yourself to expend it on a desperate and destructive love with a Narcissist? If a person were damaged and fixable, unconditional love and support from another person would be healing, appreciated, and accepted. People that are real would seek out healing love and embrace it, not use it to keep you falsely connected to their agenda to use you so completely! Your love was abused because this is a disorder that you do not have the power to heal within this person (the Narcissist). You must know this and move forward for you and only you. You must use your powerful love to heal yourself!

We have spent too much time dodging their bullets and sheer survival has forced us to expend a lot of energy in trying to make sense out of the rantings and chaos of a disordered individual or a Narcissist. We could never dodge all those bullets, so we were really only a target with a big bull’s eye on us for Because of their pathology. The truth is that they just don’t care because they have the keen ability to release from any and all accountabilities. They do not know love and never will, but they will use it to manipulate a victim. They lack empathy so they can walk away from anybody, even their own children and blame everyone else for the reason why they abuse. They truly are predators that use power to control and abuse. They have no power over us because they are made of lies and deceit and that is not reality – especially OURS! Bulls eye on our back.

They are using the familiarity of personal stories we shared with them AGAINST us. This is triangulation where they pit one person against the other! They are destroying everything we love and cherish so that we become totally dependent on them. That is the addiction and trauma bond that is forced into our reality. Who do you turn to when you hear that everything around you or about you is so terribly wrong? The person that is standing directly in front of you that is loving you so completely BUT in reality, they are poisoning you at the same time! If I had a dollar for every time, I heard my Narcissist tell me that SOMEBODY was saying negative things about me, even Psychiatrists that were evaluating me and telling my Narcissist I was unstable – as well as family members, co-workers, or EVERYBODY! As silly and unreal as that sounds I am not kidding or exaggerating! A Narcissist does this very subtly and they are seamless at weaving their triangulation with little, tiny bits of truth and lies into your conscious world to make it seem plausible. I was an emotional punching bag to a highly disordered and not fully functioning human being. I finally got it and pushed forward and totally away from it and back to reality where I was before I fell into this devastating abuse and today, I am so much better as if I walked away from some sort of darkness and back into light, life and love again!

So, there are two essential and distinct parts to this acceptance to enable you to start on your personal journey to recovery and they are the emotional and intellectual realities. Intellectually it is understanding that this is a personality disorder to basically get you to your ‘ah ha’ moment that this was not anything near this love you believe/believed in but the actions of a ‘not fully functioning human being’ that was conning and using you. Emotions are not as easy to untangle especially when it involves that amazing thing called love that connects/bonds you to this disordered creature and distorts the truth and your reality – but you must realize that this love was also part of that huge con job. BUT we ARE able to fall out of love and it is so important to fall out of this toxic and poisonous love with both perspectives to see the clearer and bigger picture that it was purely destructive to you and meant to be. There was NO REAL LOVE!

Intellectually you need to assert the truth that they ARE so very disordered so you can purge the negative messages that were planted in your head that you are not worthy of this Narcissist’s love or a normal life. These negative messages were purposeful to manage you down to nothingness so the Narcissist could control you, isolate you, and keep you there while they extorted and used you as a source of supply. These messages are tricky because the positive ones from the ‘charm’ and ‘love bombing’ are mixed in there so well with the negative ones from the devaluation and discard and this is what has you so locked up in the ‘fog’ or confusion that you are feeling. They must be separated so that the positive love-bombing messages don’t pull you backward into believing that it WAS/IS real and there is a chance to fix this. Then intellectually understanding that all the blame/shame, lies, demeaning attacks and manipulation on you were projections from an incredibly angry and cunning creature to make you feel completely worthless and convince you that you deserve this – as well as to CONTROL you. They are only as powerful as you allow them to be. Break the destructive messages and attachment to them and they are no longer able to control you and you are free to become yourself again. Knowledge and truth are the keys you need to unlock the prison that this Narcissist has locked you up and in!

You must first STOP the dance and take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. If you do not take care of yourself, no one will do it for you. This unfortunately is our journey that we MUST take. The absolute best thing you can do is to end the toxic relationship, which is slowly making you mentally and physically sick and distorting your concept of what real love AND life is meant to be. You must purge the manipulative and destructive messages OUT of your head or else they will be stuck there with you forever. You have already stayed with this Narcissistic liar, cheater, and a mental abuser for way too long, and understand there is no love there, only a twisted addiction to something that has become a horrible and debilitating routine in your life. Do not waste one more second of your precious life with this Narcissist when you have a chance to achieve the true happiness in life and the ability to love normally. Remember what got you here and ask yourself why you would want to get back with this destructive person to try to fix all the absurd abuse when you CAN’T. Then look at your life and actualize how debilitating this relationship has been to you. This is not an option! Leave this relationship behind so you can reach your full potential again and you WILL because you ARE really an amazing person that proved how strong you were, how loving you were, and now how strong you are to be here today and able to move forward. No/minimal contact and NEVER look back once you actualize the truth! Greg

Narcissists constantly malign, backstab, and smear people! Just a simple explanation of how they purposely create their chaos and division with ALL people. Be it to diminish, harm, control, or divide and conquer – they do it with purpose! Knowledge/education is POWER! Greg


From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Authgor – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist


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Does the Narcissist love me, or love me not? DEFINITELY NOT!

Does the Narcissist love me, or love me not? DEFINITELY NOT! The That extreme confusion from that constant back and forth ‘CHARM to HARM’ or clinically what is called ‘cognitive dissonance.’ How we get manipulated and stuck in between the complete POLAR OPPOSITES of the Charm and Harm! A Narcissist intentionally inflicts this duality upon us to keep us confused, disoriented, constantly performing for them, and walking on those eggshells, but we NEVER find any sense of reality as far as OUR part in this relationship with them!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

This is a person we cared for, loved, or basically believed in no matter what the relationship was! But they demeaned us, hurt us, and made us feel wrong and worthless! How can both of these things coexist and be true. What did we believe in that now makes us feel so confused and lost – is it us? NO this is what emotional and psychological abusers do to people – tear their victims down piece by piece to control them. It is NOT you it is ALL them and the abuse situation! Unfortunately, we bonded with them and that tugs at our heart and messes without mind and makes it so hard to cross that bridge to the REAL truth that they abused us.

Most every conversation you have or had with them always seemed to leave you confused and drained. You and ONLY you were left with the burden of trying to figure out what they have said or basically what the heck just happened. It was like a hit and run accident and you are/were left in shock trying to gain a foothold of the incident. A basic conversation would go from zero to a hundred miles per hour and in a direction that put you in the path of an unavoidable crash, AND you were not able to control the direction you were headed in. FACT – it was meant to be that way!

You ask yourself how did this all start and what led up to it? You will end up spending hours, or perhaps even days, obsessing over the intent of the message or argument. You exhaust all your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing – it was pre-planned to be this way by the Narcissist. There does not seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but there is as far as it concerns the Narcissist that is controlling you. They do not care so there is no reality – but on the other hand YOU believed in this person and do/did care. You are left at such a conflicting place with polar opposite thoughts that only confound and confuse you – so you only try or tried harder to fix what you couldn’t.

Let’s look at this confusion. Everything they have absorbed or learned about you was being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to charm you because they know your likes and they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no you in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel ridiculously small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!

So, what about these ridiculous and crazy arguments, etc. You could have NEVER kept up with the original conversation (or argument) in a realistic manner because it was basically nonsensical in your mind and had no real basis of reality. But it served a purpose as far as the Narcissist is concerned to deflect from something or the other, or there was an agenda to it, or to demean and dehumanize you – control, control, CONTROL. BUT it served its purpose because it confounded or confused you and forced you to process the CRAZY information with no real success. You will have many rebuttals going on in your head AFTER THE FACT because you feel a need to defend yourself or rationalize what happened. Basically, you are trying to fix the situation, but was it an argument because you really didn’t do anything but yet you feel like you did something, BUT WHAT IS IT YOU DID??

BAM, this is exactly the place a Narcissist wants you to go to – total confusion and insanity – THIS is the emotional/psychological abuse that disabled you. They have drawn from the vast wealth of knowledge they have gained from observing you and use it consistently to maneuver you into a place of confusion and isolation. There are many reasons behind each of these scenarios, but they are basically to manage you down and to control you. However, you will try to resolve this because you feel you need to address what happened and more than likely to defend yourself hoping for resolution but in the end, you’ll find that you are the person apologizing. After a while, these crazy arguments will have you stuck in the confusion so much so that you have lost all perspective of your relationship, as well as your value in the relationship. You are always responding to the Narcissist’s crazy making and never participating in a reciprocal or real relationship. You are being emotionally and psychologically abused! Again, this is because of the bond we have with them – or the bond we were manipulated into believing and what keep us or kept us attached at the hip trying to find cohesiveness where there was NONE!

With all that being said, your mind is always trying to process a duality that exists – you care or love them and believe in them but on the other hand you don’t like what they do to you and you find yourself buried under all of this confusion. How can the person you have come to care or love and vice versa, have changed so drastically? They have not changed; you are only seeing the truth about who and what they are. You just do not completely get it yet. What exists is cognitive dissonance. In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values. The theory of cognitive dissonance focuses on how we strive for internal consistency. When inconsistency (dissonance) is experienced, individuals tend to become psychologically uncomfortable and they are motivated to attempt to reduce this dissonance, as well as actively avoiding the situations and information which are likely to increase it. The struggle exists within loving this monster and trying to avoid the unavoidable and consistent managing down (or the dissonance.) How do you avoid this when there is a bond or love is the reality that you are hanging onto?

So again – whatever they may have done to you was done with intent no matter how it may have hurt you AND they just do not care and feel justified in their actions. There is no real relationship or love as far as the Narcissist is concerned. They live in a perverted and out of control world and take whatever they can from people with NO CONCERN to the harm they inflict on anybody else. AGAIN, WE MUST UNDERSTAND that there is no real relationship with them! We BELIEVE there is BUT we are all just taking our turn as supply and even though we are their PRIMARY source that still doesn’t mean that it is real by any means.

So, in a nutshell what does this cognitive dissonance do to us on our journey forward? You start the process of recovery in disbelief, fear, and shock! The shock in essence numbs you temporarily from going completely insane by giving you the ability to separate yourself from the totality of this disaster or some breathing room – it is nature’s sedative. Once the dust settles though you start to see the whole picture standing before you and now reality sets in. As you are setting out on this journey your emotions are going to be overwhelming as you try to understand all of this and they get in the way and confuse you. You are trying to sort through pure chaos, and you may respond to it with tremendous ambivalence, anger, hatred, vengefulness, and MANY other negative feelings. Along with this you will be doing some deep soul searching trying to put perspective on so many opposing thoughts that do not correlate with the care or love you believed in AND it creates a huge void and a great sense of being so lost and alone in all of this.

You must constantly tell yourself and reinforce that this was not a normal or real person that COULD care, love, or bond with you. You must accept that it was a huge lie and most importantly that it had nothing to do with you because the Narcissist managed you down to believe that you are to blame and the disordered one! You must accept that it did happen to you and there is no rhyme nor reason to it because Narcissists are character disordered and in a class of their own. They are dangerous to human beings and destructive and you are so FORTUNATE to be FREE of them (in time you will clearly see this). You are a testament to the very reality and truth that YOU have experienced their psychological abuse and have been severely damaged by a relationship with them. You have to completely switch off from thoughts that pull you into believing they will change, or you can fix them – YOU CAN’T!

Now you must actualize that there is so much goodness in you and seriously that is what this Narcissist wanted to own and destroy and that is why they targeted and disabled temporarily. You ARE a good person and probably an AMAZING person so do not ever lose touch with this because the Narcissist told you differently. They are disordered and negative and they live with this premise to make everyone else around them unstable by managing them down. THIS is what psychopaths do to their targets, manage them down to nothingness to control them.

You have to create a discipline to stop looking at the ‘what ifs’ or ‘could I have done this or that’ or that somehow you caused this abhorrent treatment. You must stop yourself from trying to obtain information about what they are doing through social media OR trying to make any type of contact with them. You seriously must just stop thinking about them as being anything real to you and concentrate on YOU. Tell yourself that this is DONE! Yes, there are situations that you must stay in contact with them, but again you must separate the emotions and break the chain that binds you to their psychopathy and keep it to the business at hand. Ask yourself what it is you would want back (as in fixing the relationship)? Do you want to enter back into the abuse to experience more dehumanization, lies, betrayal and extortion? No of course not! Lock into this message and put your happiness first!

Now as far as connecting to the reasons WHY you were the target of this disordered Narcissist – in a nutshell it is because they are predators after prey pure and simple. With this type of encounter with horrendous abuse we have a strong desire to re-evaluate our life and behavior. Again, this is normal and can be progressive in your recovery because it is your desire and ability to grow, transcend and move forward. The encounter will provide a spark to grow and evaluate your inner self to correct anything that kept you tied to the abuse, and you will correct all of that with introspection and boundaries – but that will happen once you traveled through the truth that this was abuse and you are no longer vulnerable and caught up in the distorted emotions and confusion. Acceptance will move you forward, anything else will pull you right back into the confusion as well as more abuse and you will only have to start at square one AGAIN! No/minimal contact to start this important journey. You can and WILL get through this confusion if you empower yourself with knowledge, education, support from other victims/survivors for clarity, and using your voice to gain the information you need to move forward! Greg

Silencing, subduing, muzzling, and isolating or the mechanics behind THE SILENT TREATMENT – or the Narcissist’s prison they create to lock up your heart and mind in chaos and confusion.

SILENCING! Clarity is our strength and superpower in breaking the cycle of abuse and finding our way back to a healthy life! Silencing, subduing, muzzling, and isolating or the mechanics behind THE SILENT TREATMENT – or the Narcissist’s prison they create to lock up your heart and mind in chaos and confusion. It is one of the MANY tools they use to manipulate, malign, and control every situation to avoid ANY dissention from their victims? A Narcissist is completely pathological in every single aspect of how they relate to the people and world around them because it is ALL ABOUT MANIPULATION, CONTROL, and POWER!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

So, to start, a simple definition – pathological – when a person behaves in extreme and unacceptable ways, because they have extremely powerful feelings which they cannot and will not control. A Narcissist is pathological with their lies, deception, manipulation, gaslighting, controlling, harming, pitting people against each other, isolating, SILENCING, and ABUSING people to get what they want!

Let’s define these Narcissists and their pathological ways! Their world is completely delusional, one in which they do not allow individuality because they are absolute rulers (dictators) in that world. The unfortunate fact is that a Narcissist needs people in their lives to SURVIVE but they just do not ‘like’ or ‘relate’ to people, so it is a hideous, demeaning, debasing, ANGRY, and abusive coexistence that we get TRAPPED into. They do not have ‘relationships’ by any normal means, they live among us like zombies that are after our brains or our ability to function normally because they attack our thought processes with extreme measures like gas-lighting, fear, brainwashing, manipulation, and betrayal – ALL extremely abusive measures.

Remember this ALWAYS — Narcissists ONLY relate to other human beings as objects. You know objects, the things to use and abuse for self-serving purposes. Things that have no rights, things that are inanimate, things that have no feelings, things that can be easily replaced – perhaps a good example would be like a tool that performs a certain function – and each of us are just one of MANY of these “tools” that they USE.

A Narcissist lacks all social graces in the most extreme ways because underneath their ‘seductive’ façade, they do not honor any human rights, respect individuality, or obey any written law. They live life in an extremely pathological and abusive manner. They imitate a functioning human being and take everything they want and need through some extreme and manipulative methods. They also get bored easily with their conquests SINCE they lack the mechanisms to form healthy bonds (and decisions), so they STRAY very easily to keep the excitement and adulation flowing in their world. Now it is bad enough they are life’s extortionist, but they also seem to loathe all healthy, happy, and loving people that would dare express their individuality, question them, or demand accountability, so they lose their patience with us quickly and psychologically attack our minds in an effort to destroy our life as we know it.

This behavior is damaging, and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what is expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused, and controlled waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO act so you constantly stay SILENT, isolated, and in this state of confusion or basically existing as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it, and alter you so what is left is not a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is control to keep you constantly disabled.

Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above) – somewhere you are LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong, and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give, it is never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you do not fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.

Like any other bully you have to disengage from the Narcissist because if you don’t, they will only attack you in unimaginable ways to destroy your integrity as well as your life – they have to win the battle they have with life, people and essentially the WHOLE world! You will ‘seemingly’ end up being the crazy one and the abuser because they will make you out to be everything bad/wrong just like a psycho bully would react to remove any blame from themselves and pass it onto you, basically their backstabbing and smear campaign. Not a very pretty package at all. Just always remember, you have not done ANYTHING wrong to deserve this because they don’t function like other human beings. They don’t even have a clue what liking, caring or LOVING is so they live without it by pretending they know it, but you CAN’T pretend to care or love especially when you have no morals, and it catches up with the Narcissist very quickly.

Connecting with OR living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts, and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse! No/minimal contact to move forward into a healthy lifestyle and world. Narcissists smother the life out of all people and situations. Take your power back by disallowing any of their emotional and psychological manipulation or chaos in your life again because THAT is all there is to their abusive agenda and NOTHING more! Knowledge and education provide clarity and THAT becomes our superpower to move forward with recovery. Be safe out there my friends! Greg

Feeling doubtful and why with a Narcissist!

How Narcissists make us doubt ourselves! Just a simple explanation of how they purposely use their words to make their victims DOUBT themselves by pushing our buttons and overwhelming us emotionally! Greg

From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

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WARNING, WARNING – those ‘Red Flags’ and what they are – YOUR wise INTUITION –  you must trust what YOU are feeling.

WARNING, WARNING – those ‘Red Flags’ and what they are – YOUR wise INTUITION –  you must trust what YOU are feeling. Anytime a Narcissist makes it easier or harder for YOU to make a decision or even do something they are really manipulating you because they have some sort of agenda in mind! There are never any REAL concerns surrounding you and I – there are only opportunities because we are ‘utilitarian’ or not individuals in the mind of a Narcissist – so everything they act on benefits THEM and NOT us. EVEN a simple hello or small gesture can open the door to MORE of their manipulation and ABUSE because there is always an agenda with any connection, they make with us or anybody!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

So, what are ‘RED FLAGS?’ The very things that confuse you and spark your intuition that something is not quite right! While you keep trying to hang onto this relationship you are only burying yourself deeper and deeper into the darkness and the void that defines a Narcissist. It is this daily struggle that is so unfulfilling and damaging, as well as makes you feel so unhappy and worthless. Beyond that there is going to be a huge eye opener with the full devaluation this creature is going to throw at you when your time is up with them as supply. It is virtually impossible to friend, care for, or love a Narcissist normally because you are only plugging yourself into their game of abuse as their PRESENT source of supply. They are literally using up every bit of your life and reaping all the benefits. You cannot have any type of relationship with a Narcissist because they are not real and all you are doing is buying into a projected image personally designed just for you to con you completely into their agenda.

We constantly struggle with the vision of that amazing connection in the back of our mind (the one that we were CONNED into believing). We reflect on it, hold onto it, nurture it, and try to bring it back and make the relationship work and make our Narcissist happy by working harder at the relationship – but in reality, it is blinding us to the truth that is right in front of our face. That struggle in our mind is our intuition or those RED FLAGS that we are ignoring and instead we are trying to work through the nonsense. We are even asked (more like demanded by threats) to do things differently or do what this Narcissist wants, it only leads to more demands and making us sink deeper and deeper into this distorted and desperate love. We are occasionally thrown a bone with “I love you so much,” or something positive that makes whatever relationship you have with them SEEM to achieve a cohesive peace but again it is not real AT ALL and the Narcissist cashes in on another lie that manipulates us once again! But despite our intuition or the deep-rooted sense that something is totally wrong with this relationship it still feels familiar to care, friendship, or love because that is what we hold onto to alleviate the struggles and pain. We begin to feel increasingly unhappy because we are never having any of our needs met as well as totally confused and lost. The struggle to get this person to care or love and accept you is not working so you employ all kinds of tactics to try harder but to no avail. It is the vicious cycle of this abuse or the trap that keeps you running in circles until it ends – and that end is always devastating and destructive because of the emotional and psychological damage that the Narcissist inflicted that kept this toxic relationship going. The Narcissist just closes the door and moves on to the next victim AND that basically defines a predator and ABUSE!

So, the truth here is that the lies, manipulation, betrayal, etc., is absolute and fundamental to the Narcissist’s agenda and survival in the real world to fit it and achieve the supply they so desperately need from us – we cannot change them or fix them because THIS is their mode of operation. The Narcissist cannot change and, most importantly, they DON’T want to change. They inhabit a fantasy world which becomes reality for them and those they manage to brainwash. There is no reality or truth for any person that resides in their world. It is always a train wreck and a catastrophe waiting to happen and there are always many victims. In their world the truth and falsehood only hold instrumental meaning or functionality as they apply it to a situation and there is absolutely no morality contained in any of their thoughts or actions. TRUST YOUR INTUITION ALWAYS – and follow through with keeping your distance until you are sure about what has you concerned – it is worth it because YOU are worth it! No/minimal contact ALWAYS. Greg

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