Author Archives: ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse
If you have been in a relationship with a Narcissist – idealized and later devalued and discarded, you were more than likely shocked or even blown away at the turnaround or ‘about face’ concerning your Narcissist’s relationship with you. The truth – there NEVER was a real relationship with them we were just their next source of supply (or object) with an expiration date.
WHAT WENT WRONG and WHAT HAPPENED to this relationship – a question we ALL have asked ourselves! If you have been in a relationship with a Narcissist – idealized and later devalued and discarded, you were more than likely shocked or even blown away at the turnaround or ‘about face’ concerning your Narcissist’s relationship with you. The truth – there NEVER was a real relationship with them we were just their next source of supply (or object) with an expiration date.
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist
One day you wake up and this Narcissist hates you and is acting out against you, smearing your good name, and destroying your integrity to everyone and ultimately trying to ruin your valuable relationships with friends, family as well as your co-workers and career. WITHOUT A DOUBT, this was inevitable with a Narcissist. You did nothing wrong to cause that change and the demise of the relationship you had with them. If you are not 100% on their page, if you are not completely accepting of them, if you do not show complete admiration, if you are not a perfect mirror to the narcissist, you are branded as bad and will be devalued as is the fate of every person that has had any sort of relationship with a Narcissist. It’s simply the Narcissist’s way of viewing the world. KEEP IN MIND that you are not dealing with a fully functioning human being that has any empathy for life, or any semblance of morality, or the ability to tell the truth AND you must completely accept their disordered life of lies or you are discarded and destroyed. It is the Narcissist that is bad to the bone – and it is as if they ritualistically project their negative and abusive life onto every person that loves them – this includes family and even their biological children. We must come to terms that they are pathological liars, psychological terrorists and abusers that destroy lives.
Narcissists are everywhere in this world, and wherever they are there is chaos, crazy making, high drama, destroyed relationships, betrayal, lies, and destruction. The average/normal person is aware that something is wrong with the Narcissist, but they are confused and unable to recognize or define the situation as the mental health issue it is – or more specifically a personality disorder.
Narcissists are self-serving chameleons that “shape shift” into whatever they need or want to be to serve a specific agenda they have. They do not have genuinely ordered or consistent thoughts, concerns, or ANY moral codes. Morality is relative to their desires at any given moment, and they act on all of them. In plain English they are extortionists and use people by manipulating them to get what they can. They have an uncanny ability to seduce to the point of ‘brainwashing’ others. They are also hypocrites in that they pass judgment on others as well as call them out for negative behaviors, when in fact the Narcissist is overtly guilty of these SAME BEHAVIORS and WORSE! All part of the HUGE mask the Narcissist wears to hide the monster behind it.
This chameleon nature is a façade or their “mask” that allows them to get by or pass as normal in public, but they are cruel, nasty dictators, terrorists, and abusers in their private lives. They often have incredibly dysfunctional and damaged family lives and it is not uncommon for them to have multiple relationships or ‘past’ partners (that they still use as “extra” supply on the side), or ex’s that they harass and stalk relentlessly. Most have a long pattern of cheating on their partners. They are toxic individuals pure and simple, and THEY NEVER CHANGE.
The narcissist back stabs people continually throughout their disordered life. To them it is control and power over others. They will consistently demonstrate their power with back handed and insulting behavior toward others. They will utilize behaviors like talking people down or making them the brunt of a rude and demeaning joke, making fun of them, totally ignoring or silencing them, being late for important events, simply not attending or walking out of events, avoiding being a team player at all costs, refusing to consult or ask for help and just acting out ON THEIR OWN SELF ACCLAIMED AUTHORITY. There are absolutely NO RULES that they follow, so there is never accountability either – that gets displaced onto us through blame and shame because the Narcissist is the eternal victim of life.
There is no having a real relationship with a Narcissist, you may be in what you believe is a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you – you are Narcissistic supply. You are only in their life to make them look good or because you are useful to the narcissist as an object to satisfy a need. Nothing is ever internalized with a Narcissist like emotional bonds, caring, love or EMPATHY. Their world is totally external, and everyone is objectified like a shiny new car that the Narcissist drives/wears to make them look however special they feel they need to be. Their image is a fake aspect of their chameleon like nature – and it constantly changes just like the chameleon changes its colors to blend into an environment.
The narcissist constantly violates boundaries albeit physical, emotional, and mental. They follow no rules in life, or respect human dignity/rights, or adhere to any written laws. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make, and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or take/steal anything that belongs to others. Ownership is their birthright or so they feel because they are above the normal order of life. They will violate your standing with figures of authority in an effort to cause trouble/destruction or just to “one up” you. They are truly extortionists, and they take everything and anything they can get their hands on. BUT remember this chameleon camouflages itself with CHARM – so they get away with virtual murder because they have been doing this all their lives and they are just that good at it. The people that know the truth about them are mostly their targets/victims – the rest become their minions at some useful level that they charm into believing just how special they are AND they protect the Narcissist’s lies and disordered life – they are the enablers of their abuse.
Every target/victim or mental health professional will say the best way to cope with a Narcissist is to get as far away from them as you can, and as fast as you can and firm it up with NO CONTACT.
The next AND particularly important step is that you MUST come to the realization that your intuitions that ‘something is/was wrong’ is the reality or truth about your relationship with them. That will open the door to all of the truth that they are disordered and not fully functioning human beings. Narcissists are excellent manipulators, and they will brain-wash or can convince you that IT IS YOU, and not them that has the problem, and lastly everything is your fault AND you have abused them! Remember they are convincing other people that it is you as well – this is part of their escape from being exposed.
You must also educate yourself about this personality disorder or you will be pulled back into the abuse with their lies and manipulation. Block their narcissistic behaviors and completely ignore them and remove any narcissistic supply that they are getting from you. They hate to be ignored and will move on to someone else for new Narcissistic supply. They CAN and will blind sight you with crazy making and chaos and you will spend your entire life in a dance with the Narcissist until one day you wake up and you have lost sight of who you are and where your life has gone. Do not try to reason with them because they simply refuse to confront their own behaviors or acknowledge that they have ANY problem at all. Communication with them will only create a frenzy of crazy making that will create more negativity because they live this way. You cannot rationalize with a Narcissist because where there is no reality there is no truth. Lies are the tools they utilize which are always meant to harm others.
Lastly, you must Identify and build strong personal boundaries against the Narcissist, or they will continually violate you. These boundaries MUST include emotional, mental, and even physical boundaries, and the boundaries MUST be strong, enforceable, and completely leak-proof.
There are situations where you MUST deal with a Narcissist – especially if you have children together, or they are a family member. So, to cope with a Narcissist effectively you must be able to differentiate between reality and normalcy that is YOU AND YOUR REAL LIFE as compared to the constant drama, chaos and crazy making that orbits around the Narcissist constantly. You must consistently validate your own personal existence and morals, and hold on to yourself with a firm grip, never allowing the narcissist to drag you back into the abuse by violating and controlling your emotions, thoughts, or behaviors like they did. If you don’t, they will eat you alive and drag you back into the abuse with their vast array of manipulation, lies, betrayal, brainwashing and essentially psychological ABUSE!
In the end you will realize that there was absolutely nothing you gained from your relationship with a Narcissist except getting your freedom back to live a normal and healthy life again. Your empathy and emotions connected you to them at the hip – we call this “love” in a normal relationship, but unfortunately there was not even an ounce or shred of normalcy/reality in our association with them. It was a master of deception extorting every aspect of our life mentally and physically.
It will always reside in the back of your mind that somehow a monster got into your world and almost devoured you completely, as well as the fact that they still exist out there with their minions, flying monkeys or whatever we want to call the people around them that SUPPORT their abuse. None of them are worth the battle of lies and deception that will yield as the result of confronting any of them directly. They absorb the negativity that they create around them, and it energizes them and then they feel powerful – they enjoy inflicting harm/destruction onto others. In my case KARMA is doing what it needs to do because the people that meant anything to me are still here and surround me with love and protection. The people that need chaos, lies, belittling, chaos, crazy making, etc., are there with the monster where they belong, and they mean nothing to me and never have. There is no beautiful life that surrounds a Narcissist, only lies, illusions, delusions, and chaos – all at the cost of the ‘others’ around the Narcissist. BE VERY THANKFUL that you are away from the abuse and learn about who you are again, because you are an amazing person that can and will survive this psychological terrorism or attack from this monster. Stay NO CONTACT at all costs and LOVE again Greg
The Narcissist’s COMPLETELY manufactured world is about manipulating and maneuvering people and events through compartmentalization – we each have our place and our function to make their world work and even to protect it.
The Narcissist’s COMPLETELY manufactured world is about manipulating and maneuvering people and events through compartmentalization – we each have our place and our function to make their world work and even to protect it. None of us are the wiser about these other support people – and the Narcissist WANTS it that way or else we would start to see all the lies and manipulation. You are NEVER the only person in your relationship with them – just part of the mechanics of their façade.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
The Narcissist’s self-regulating and controlling mechanics always involves pulling people into their lair and extracting information from them AND in turn using this information for whatever GAIN they desire or to use against them! Be it the love bombing to harvest their main sources of supply, or people to prop up their hideous façade of saintliness (minions). If that entails being, charming, exciting, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it – just technique! Their abuse is not only confined to a single person, but instead it is a complex network that includes their primary and secondary supply sources as well as their supportive adoring friends, family members, their own biological children – all of which are basically seduced into their roles! The Narcissist NEEDS this network to survive (supply) as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them. They need a network of people to support their ‘needy needs’ so this is a full-time job for them to control the world around them. BUT the key element is that they are always on the defensive and everybody is essentially an enemy or someone to use for support because their world is full of lies and holes as it concerns the reality, they PRESENT to us! We are either a TOOL or an OBSTACLE in their world.
So back to basics! What is the one thing a Narcissist does not want other people to know? The truth. More specifically, Narcissists do not want the truth about them to be known that they are insecure, malicious, and devious people with a toxic agenda. Beyond being embarrassed by the truth of their behaviors and thoughts, they have a deathly fear of being exposed and REJECTED for who and what they are. This is in large part because they always use lies, manipulations, and distortions to control other people and get what they want. If people were to know about their true nature, they would want nothing to do with the Narcissist – the Narcissist is very aware of this and that is why they MUST build up their defenses. Let’s just say they are always prepared for the inevitable. Similarly, their whole grand façade is just part of their defensive pretense.
The Narcissist is basically grooming every single person in their orbit WITH a deceptive agenda to DIVIDE AND CONQUER. They feel such an intense high or euphoria when they play people against each other, ESPECIALLY when it becomes a competition for them to gain adulation/adoration. They will even make you think that the people closest to you are talking behind your back. The Narcissist will present the allegations as a concern of course to minimalize the real agenda to put wedges in between you and the people closest to you. The reverse is also true because the Narcissist will go to the people closest to you and make them believe you have said things about them as well – AND only out of concern of course! This basically isolates you from the people closest to you and forces you to become dependent on the concerned Narcissist. Pure deception that destroys you as well as your integrity.
BUT the minions cause just as much havoc in our lives because they are supporting the Narcissist’s agenda. There is strength in numbers and that is what the Narcissist’s goal is here by pulling in the troops! Really minions are just co-conspirators or co-abusers and should be treated as such by employing the same no-contact rule as with the Narcissist. Anybody that will basically join in on a disordered agenda that aims at destroying another person has serious issues and they are dangerous people to do what they do so never engage with them. Remember the Narcissist looks for the weakest and neediest links in society that feign attention from anybody to join in on their reign of terror. It is not unusual for the Narcissist to use whatever method possible to pull them into their deceptive agenda, be it extreme charm, sex or whatever, but basically these minions are just tools or objects like every other person and seduced into their roles. Narcissists are the grand extortionists of life! BUT remember when it comes to minions, they are willing to do whatever they can to fulfill their role to please the Narcissist. They are just as manipulative and will employ some of the same tools that the Narcissist does, even PRETENDING to be your friend. They will gather up information that the Narcissist is requesting of them so the Narcissist is always ‘in the know’ about their enemy (that would be us).
So these minions and co-conspirators are only extension of the Narcissist AND the Narcissist’s abusive methodology. A Narcissist uses every opportunity to feign attention to themselves as well as secure their little toxic playmates to be there right alongside of them when they decide to wage their battles. Their world is so distorted and toxic. They live in pure denial of their sickness. They mean to hurt and destroy people, family, organizations or essentially anything that they participate in. Backstabbing, smearing, triangulation and lying are their tools to create chaos and to damage and silence people. All of this of course falls under ‘no contact’ because the only way to shut this monster out is to completely remove yourself from any attachment, especially your emotional ties with them. Yes, we loved a monster! The Narcissist’s smear campaign is their way of hatefully acknowledging OUR denying them of their fake reality and identifying them AS THE MONSTER THEY ARE. The only viable solution is moving on and away from them with no/minimal contact! Greg
Narcissists are the greatest actors and the greatest pretenders. They are FAKE, completely, and unequivocally FAKE right to their core!
Narcissists are the greatest actors and the greatest pretenders. They are FAKE, completely, and unequivocally FAKE right to their core! So, with that in mind a little analogy about their performance! AND …… the Emmy Award, the Oscar, and every other accolade in this world goes to the Narcissist for their performance of being a good human being with empathy and integrity! A Narcissist is a great actor that draws from his/her audience to create a reality that is believable or real enough that the audience becomes completely engaged with the story, emotions, beliefs, feelings, or all of it. The audience in return believes this character, their fake script and engages with them – unfortunately, the reality of it all is that it is only a show and with a bad ending.
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
FIRST and FOREMOST, most of us friended, cared for, were a child of, or fell in love with one of these Oscar/Emmy award winning actor Narcissists. BUT of course, it was FAKE, not real, a con job and a means for them to use us as Narcissistic supply. Huge and I mean an ABSOLUTELY huge betrayal and the sign of a highly disordered individual, so implant this message firmly into your mind! They thrive on admiration, so they select an audience or a particular person that fulfills their particular need at any particular time that they have that need and that is key here. We were all objectified to fulfill THEIR NEEDS. Like a great actor, a Narcissist draws from the audience/person to create a reality that is believable and we, as the audience, become engaged with the complete story, emotions, beliefs, feelings, and all. We empathize with the character in that fake script, and we believe that show they put on for us.
The Narcissist is just like that actor, but he/she is not doing it for entertainment purposes – this is their whole life and reality that is ALL based on lies. We do not know it is a huge con job at the time because our hearts are ruling our heads and we don’t know that he/she (the person we are with) is not a fully functioning human being as well that lacks any and all empathy. Furthermore, we do not know they are abusive and will destroy our lives and run off with whatever they can take from us. Read this paragraph to anybody that has not experienced this abuse and they will probably shake their head in disbelief and think you are crazy – BUT IT IS THE TRUTH. NOW imagine if you will that it is JUST as crazy for us (target/victims) to relate to and try to put it in a realistic perspective to create our own closure and recover from a predator that attacked our lives in this manner! This is new to you and at this point you have spent more time in the ‘NON truth’ of your situation than you have with the truth that you are finally realizing. So, it is a process to achieve the clarity and that is how no contact is going to help you achieve this.
If we honestly evaluate what has happened during the aftermath, we can identify times where we were in full-fledged denial of the obvious facts – I sure was! Our partners had changed, and we chose to believe that their viciousness and cruel behavior was caused by something we had done wrong. A big NO to that because we were in denial of this barrage of manipulation that a shrewd Narcissist used to fulfill their agenda. Our intuition WAS warning us, but our hearts and mind were ignoring that. It is also not a sign of weakness or stupidity on our part, instead it was a slow and insidious process of extreme manipulation, betrayal and brain-washing that stole our self-esteem and changed us. It is not hard to understand how it could happen because a Narcissist employs an array of manipulation techniques that warps human emotions AND the very ones we all cherish and try to emulate into our lives – and that is love. Love is many things that includes happiness, trust, personal bonding, empathy, attraction, growth, etc., or a very normal, unconditional, and REWARDING emotion that can be real with a real person, and once again the Narcissist was nothing even near real. They know about love, but they use a “fake love” to grab our trust, take what they wanted, then destroy it all right in our faces and manipulate us back to take more – basic and negative conditioning!
So, we fell (were conned) into LOVE. But an unnatural and abusive love is nothing even remotely near a normal love and it comes with a great price. That price is the very truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem and belief system. We constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND ourselves and in doing so, our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools. Their manipulation, betrayal, control, lies and acting out “trained” us to provide them with supply and they stepped up the game to get the most, if not ALL they could from us OR until they were caught and identified as the monster they are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth, and THIS became our normal trying to make this work. We did not give them the power to abuse us, we MISTAKINGLY opened our hearts with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise. THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO because they repeat this cycle many times over with many people and lie to cover it all up!
So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship) that believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, love, individuality, AND a real relationship, we just tried to follow the natural flow or path of a NORMAL relationship. Unfortunately, what we did not know is that we had inadvertently set the stage for Narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them. That is a big NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM. Like a spoiled child, a Narcissist will act out in rage against ANY individual who is keeping them from getting what they want constant supply, admiration, adulation, and total control over their target. So, what that interprets into is ANY individual that has personal needs (or basic individuality) is in direct conflict to the Narcissist’s agenda of complete admiration and adoration. You and I both know that cannot be remotely possible in any given relationship.
During what I call my “processing phase” I thought about all the arguments that seemed to come from nowhere and escalated to an “out of control” status for absolutely no reason. There were never any questions asked, instead there were always accusations from my Narcissist CONCERNING me. I was everything bad or evil, everything mentally ill. I was perverse, having affairs, lying, cheating, stealing and anything else bad that this Narcissist could think up. It was the creative and DESTRUCTIVE mind of a highly disordered person acting out of their deep seeded pathology. These were really diversions and projections of what this Narcissist was actually doing to me, and they were shoved down my throat in an effort for this Narcissist to release from the shame and blame they should HAVE OWNED themselves for these hideous acts. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the education to process this as Narcissistic projection and shame dumping, so I processed all of this the best I could and that was by basically shaking my head in complete confusion!
Next it was an attempt to make me feel totally and unequivocally unworthy through making fun of me, triangulating, back-stabbing, isolating, silencing, and punishing me. This defines the relationship with a Narcissist, or totally and hysterically dysfunctional with an edge that always serves the Narcissist’s agenda. I reflected many times on some of the Narcissist’s arguments or statements that now seem so characteristically insecure and childlike to me. It was such a surprise coming from an adult, but I justified it and wrote it off as this Narcissist’s “immaturity.” I wanted this Narcissist to be the person I believed the Narcissist to be when my heart assigned itself to loving this Narcissist and somehow, I would resolve or justify my own beliefs. If you love them, you will accept them for WHO they are and work with them, time will work to heal all of this, and the bigger picture was what was important to me. Too bad I did not realize the PSYCHOPATHY behind all of this. REMEMBER there was a great deal of “love bombing” so the Narcissist could gain our trust to get us to believe they were our soul mate that LOVED us – and that created the emotional bond to them. I wasn’t overlooking the obvious because I wasn’t seeing the WHOLE picture or the lies, cheating, betrayal, brainwashing and everything else that is kept so hidden from all of us. That does not happen right away but instead when it is too late and you have formed that strong emotional bond with them AND after they have been subtly gaslighting, manipulating, and conditioning us.
That is, perhaps, the most difficult and devastating outcome of a Narcissistic relationship, mustering up the strength as well as adopting the position to accept that your partner was just pathologically abusive and cruel AND now you must abandon them and the relationship COMPLETELY or ‘no contact!’ It is a difficult and an unnatural process to have to dump the past completely, as well as your emotions, dreams, plans, the family structure (they abandon/abuse their own biological children as well), with all those years you spent together and the memories that are also fake. IT IS AN ABHORATION of human life as well as human dignity to use/harm/destroy another individual in the manner a Malignant Narcissist does. After you get to your ‘ah ha’ moment or the truth, you are then left with the arduous task of finding yourself again with this monkey on your back.
So here we are with the truth. We must stand up again and brush ourselves off and start walking forward again and realize our own culpability in the exchange with this Malignant Narcissist. We believed it was love when it was not, and we are in a place that is called abuse (which is new to the equation) and the journey to recovery must start NOW through this understanding of JUST HOW DISORDERED this partner was to our entire life. Now we MUST go “no contact” because we have educated ourselves with the truth and we must stop anymore attempts on the Narcissist’s part to abuse us anymore BECAUSE THEY WILL.
Apart from all of that, I live, and I love again as an outcome of taking the first step of ‘no contact.’ Now I accept that there are people in this world who represent darkness and evil and I DO NOT allow them anywhere near my life. It is not my place to fix them, make them better or to even tolerate them. Life is good without Narcissists/Psychopaths and toxic people that always try to drag us into their negativity and backward world. I also know myself better, I am myself, I love myself, I enjoy life, and find the world a wonderful place to be in. I have good and great relationships. I know that I finally faced the truth and worked through it which included fixing certain parts of ME. I was not a deer frozen in the headlights and stayed in that position dazed forever. I was an adult with many resources, and I learned how to use them. I accepted that abnormal people had entered my life. I accepted that they left damage in their wake, and I needed to get them out of my life. Unless you do that, unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out. You will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU, instead it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life. Educate yourself and go “no contact” AND educate others once you understand the reality of this abuse and the damage it does to many undeserving and beautiful people. You are amazing and you CAN and will beat this! No/minimal contact always! Greg
With a Narcissist, you are NEVER an individual with any needs of your own – you are cast as a performer to serve their needs. It was a role you were emotionally manipulated and conned in and out of and you were only dehumanized, subjugated, and objectified by a personality disordered person each and every time they needed you as supply. Everything else ‘in between’ was just their psychopathy and games that kept you so locked up in confusion and believing!
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
What does a Narcissist do when we demand our individuality or ask to be treated as a person SHOULD be? They manage us down into the smallest pieces they can and act out to control us, silence us, and make us feel small and worthless. They have numerous tools in their arsenal, but the most efficient of all is replacing us with another person when we do not acquiesce to ALL of their needs – it is just what they do because they cannot bond beyond using us for what we have and what they need so they will just find someone else to replace us. What is the message the Narcissist is sending? It is no big deal to find another person to fill your shoes. This truth is crazy to comprehend, but it depicts the true nature of a relationship with a Narcissist, and they just go on with life switching out their partners like buying a new pair of shoes – everyone is an object that takes a turn in the Narcissist’s life.
Think about it in real and practical terms. When we are talking about the ‘real’ relationship with a Narcissist remember this if you will remember anything – the relationship with a Narcissist is NOTHING that concerns romance, unconditional love, bonding, or a healthy relationship that grows with them, we are talking about the subjugation of an object and WE are that object. Yes, Narcissists exploit their partners just as if they were an inanimate object that they will replace or throw out in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, they play a great game of making us believe we are more than that because it is all part of the mechanics, they use to pull us into their agenda to become their latest object. That charm or love bombing is the trap they set for every target soon to be victim!
A Narcissist will find a way to put a partner in their ‘designated position’ or better yet a dehumanizing and disabling role that is only meant to consistently numb the victim or keep them in that fog of confusion to basically serve the Narcissist’s sadistic needs. A Narcissist tears down a partner’s equality and worth with many manipulative and devious steps that steal away his/her power AND the Narcissist in turn empowers themselves through this controlling behavior. These are highly insecure and envious creatures at heart that manipulate, betray, lie, cheat, extort and every other disabling thing they can do as well as hide the truth of their disordered nature. What else would you or could you do if you are akin to a fictional dark and empty creature like a vampire but seek out and find victims to suck the life force out of. A Narcissist will always find a way to unleash their toxic waste or sewage on the rest of us. SO never try to grasp at the vision they have a happy, normal, and fulfilling life now or ever. Everyone that gets to know your Narcissist will only become their next target for their fake and psychotic pursuits that define their abuse.
Most if not all targets/victims are generous, trusting, normal, and kind people and basically therefore the Narcissist was attracted to you because your empathy and love was strong and in place for this Narcissist to exploit. It is a fact that Narcissists are sadistic, cruel, and insensitive and their actions toward people are very painful. It is cruel, dehumanizing, and basically criminal what they do to normal, loving, and good people AND it is impossible for us to wrap our heads around it all but remember Narcissists are not normal by any means and they do not have the empathy that we possess. They are unable to feel, sense or appreciate feelings, compassion, or other people’s needs. They do not acknowledge, or respect boundaries and they will consistently trample them down, especially when they are discarding you and moving onto their NEXT victim. When you are wondering or worried about them and not caring for yourself, they are not considering anything as it concerns YOUR well-being or the hurt you are feeling because they just do not care. A Narcissist is always so absorbed with THEMSELVES and after that horrendous discard you are just the past, but they will wring every last ounce of attention (good or bad) out of you before dumping you especially when they are moving on to their next victim – BUT and really know this because it is huge – only if you let them!
NEVER fall into the trap of trying to redeem yourself with them because you are only reacting to more of their manipulation because they WANT to confuse you even more to keep you so far away from the truth. You cannot ever fix the past with them, change them, rescue them, save them, or communicate with them. If you do, they will just set you up to manage you down MORE and drag you back for a little or a LOT more of their abuse. A bit of advice from this survivor, and that is find ways to stop yourself from trying to re-connect with your Narcissist. You must stop completely and ignore your Narcissist with the strongest boundaries you can create! Remember, every minute you let them sit in your thoughts YOU lose a little bit more of yourself and you have already given up too much! Do not let them occupy space in your heart and mind once you know the truth about what they are – DISCARD them from your heart and mind forever.
ALL of their repressed feelings from the damage they inflicted on so many people they avoid like the plague, and they just don’t deal with it. They do not want to struggle with blaming themselves because the real truth would make them implode. Yes, they do not care about what they have done, but remember that is how they are wired or how they rewired themselves and their internal mechanics. Their life is built on this premise, so it is also their reality (or basically lack of reality). Their extreme denial represses anything that would blame them as being the problem and that is buried so deep in them and a huge part of their world or a working mechanism in their disordered personality. Clinically they dump all of this through projection or basically blaming you in a disordered and dysfunctional method for everything they have done to you. Think back to things they have accused you of or the crazy and nonsensical arguments and how you would shake your head in disbelief wondering where they came up with this garbage – that was them projecting and dumping their toxic waste onto YOU.
That is why their lives are spent running a marathon or from one trivial distraction to another, and another because they must keep their mind busy and AWAY from the real truth of who and what they are. In my estimation, it is pathetic when you catch on to what they are doing. Remember that they were doing this when they were with us, always searching for something or someone else and BLAMING us because we just did not offer everything they needed – but you, me and everyone else gave everything they had. This is why so many Narcissists are also addicts too, but basically they are addicted to their own neediness and seeking out some sort of external attention. All these creatures are doing is trying to escape their fate of ultimately being alone because of how damaged they are, BUT they never seek out any form of help to fix themselves. Unfortunately, they are not cuddly creatures that you can love and help because they will devour you to protect themselves from seeing their own reflection and reality and this is why they abuse us. They can’t face themselves, so they ultimately blame and destroy each and every person that becomes involved in their life and calls them out for their abusive ways.
Narcissists HATE to lose so they must wage a war and WILL only pursue a victory (in their mind only)! With any argument or even the discard he/she is not pursuing YOU to get you back and make proper amends, but it may LOOK like they are pursuing you. The Narcissist wants to put things right back to the way they are SUPPOSED to be with them psychologically abusing your mind and controlling your every move. Remember if you give in, forgive, adore, and admire this creature AND take him/her back they WILL incorporate some punishment for you “abandoning” them. They want you back but on their own terms, with the same degree of selfishness, psychopathy, AND abuse. Nothing has changed and if you respond to him/her and give them another chance, you will regret it and keep ending up at the same place over and over again AND one day discarded completely. The story ends the same way with every relationship.
It is a vicious cycle that will only destroy you if you keep repeating it. If the Narcissist can keep you under his/her control AND they will manage you down deeper and deeper into their abuse and having a very happy time of it indeed. I hate to admit it, but I was guilty of this for 8 months after my relationship ended, but the positive thing is that I finally ‘got it’ and moved on and away from more abuse. I just didn’t understand the dynamics completely enough at the time, so I kept stumbling through it.
Your only hope for success is to completely go no contact or minimal contact if you have children together. You cannot still be friends or have the occasional e-mail or ANY contact whatsoever. Narcissists who have been dumped or abandoned you will NOT be normal ‘ex’s’ any more than they were normal partners because they are abusive. Respond to a Narcissist in any manner and he/she will without a doubt hurt you and devalue you again. Every little contact, every chance encounter, will set you back in recovering from what has been a psychologically traumatic experience for you. This was a toxic bond and not any type of NORMAL relationship that will yield anything near a normal closure with them. Remember you cannot heal from the trauma you are experiencing by reconnecting to the source because it will only add more and more layers of that same trauma. If you are going to recover from this, you MUST stay away from them. You WILL eventually get a clearer vision of reality once your mind gets some well-deserved peace AWAY from their chaos, manipulation, and abusive ways.
If you were married and have kids together, the Narcissist will make your divorce proceedings a living hell just like they did in your marriage. The Narcissist will act like they cannot wait to get rid of you, and then stall and impede the divorce as much as humanly possible just to make sure you know who’s in control. And that is BEFORE the real nightmare begins, with the custody arrangements. You need to stay strong to get through this, AND then you still must deal with them until the kids are grown.
I hope this information helps you understand that a Narcissist is in this only for themselves. You were never a part of anything but instead a part of their agenda to extort your reality and life and to entertain themselves. Mine played and still plays the same music but I have plugs in my ears and blinders around my eyes and I just do not buy into any of the attempts or the garbage at all. I have moved on and found my place, happiness, and love again. This Narcissist will NEVER have a chance of ever knowing me again or even getting near to it no matter what game this Narcissist plays at. No contact means never again! I had the truth that gave me the vision I needed to return to a complete life of happiness and love, and so will you if you only allow it. You must get out of the darkness to experience the light again and get back to a real life that you once knew. You will see goodness once you leave this distorted creature and their negative messages completely behind you. Give yourself that chance every day – you can never look back if you seriously want to move forward. Please stop believing the lie! No/minimal contact! Greg
Once we see the abuse and the abuser behind the mask, we can NEVER unsee it or go back to it again!
Once we see the abuse and the abuser behind the mask, we can NEVER unsee it or go back to it again! The UNSEEN ABUSE that only WE see and know because it happens behind OUR closed doors. That Narcissist’s CHARM that soon turns into HARM when we let them into our lives, our world, our head, and our heart! It is time to ‘boot’ that Narcissist out completely, close that door, and bolt it shut so that Narcissist can never return and get back in.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
The Narcissist skillfully weaves their manipulation into our lives to make us become dependent on them by isolating us, distorting, and destroying everything around us that is real to us, and then all that is left for us is THEM. They make us believe in them as if they ALONE are our savior to blind us from reality. They tell us how people talk about us, or this or that person is not good for us. They love us and ONLY want to protect us with this truth and HELP us, but they are subtly planting these distorted messages in us to get us to believe in them completely and isolate us and keep us close to them alone! These messages do their magic by making us feel worthless and as if something is terribly wrong with our lives and with us. In this process they are also gathering personal information from us to USE AGINST US too. So they are also telling these very people that love us that WE are also talking about them and they need to be CAREFUL as it concerns THEIR connection with us – this in turn isolates us completely.
Charm and love were what the Narcissist used to con you into the abuse by gaining your trust and a commitment to them as well as keep you connected and believing in them. The abuse was the working mechanism that this Narcissist used to control you, manage you down, isolate you, disable you and then use you completely to meet their needs. The WHY doesn’t matter because you can’t fix this disordered person, nor should you attempt to. You saw that by loving them you were only abused, what could be more powerful than your love and why allow yourself to expend it on a desperate and destructive love with a Narcissist? If a person were damaged and fixable, unconditional love and support from another person would be healing, appreciated, and accepted. People that are real would seek out healing love and embrace it, not use it to keep you falsely connected to their agenda to use you so completely! Your love was abused because this is a disorder that you do not have the power to heal within this person (the Narcissist). You must know this and move forward for you and only you. You must use your powerful love to heal yourself!
We have spent too much time dodging their bullets and sheer survival has forced us to expend a lot of energy in trying to make sense out of the rantings and chaos of a disordered individual or a Narcissist. We could never dodge all of those bullets so we were really only a target with a big bullseye on us because of their pathology. The truth is that they just don’t care because they have the keen ability to release from any and all accountability. They don’t know love and never will, but they will use it to manipulate a victim. They lack empathy so they can walk away from anybody, even their own children and blame everyone else for the reason why they abuse. They truly are predators that use power to control and abuse. They have no power over us because they are made of lies and deceit and that is not reality – especially OURS!
They are using the familiarity of personal stories we shared with them AGAINST us. This is triangulation where they pit one person against the other! They are destroying everything we love and cherish so that we become totally dependent on them. That is the addiction and trauma bond that is forced into our reality. Who do you turn to when you hear that everything around you or about you is so terribly wrong? The person that is standing directly in front of you that is loving you so completely BUT in reality, they are poisoning you at the same time! If I had a dollar for every time, I heard my Narcissist tell me that SOMEBODY was saying negative things about me, even Psychiatrists that were evaluating me and telling my Narcissist I was unstable – as well as family members, co-workers, or EVERYBODY! As silly and unreal as that sounds I am not kidding or exaggerating! A Narcissist does this very subtly and they are seamless at weaving their triangulation with little, tiny bits of truth and lies into your conscious world to make it seem plausible. I was an emotional punching bag to a highly disordered and not fully functioning human being. I finally got it and pushed forward and totally away from it and back to reality where I was before I fell into this devastating abuse and today, I am so much better as if I walked away from some sort of darkness and back into light, life and love again!
So, there are two essential and distinct parts to this acceptance to enable you to start on your personal journey to recovery and they are the emotional and intellectual realities. Intellectually it is understanding that this is a personality disorder to basically get you to your ‘ah ha’ moment that this was not anything near this love you believe/believed in but the actions of a ‘not fully functioning human being’ that was conning and using you. Emotions are not as easy to untangle especially when it involves that amazing thing called love that connects/bonds you to this disordered creature and distorts the truth and your reality – but you must realize that this love was also part of that huge con job. BUT we CAN fall out of love and it is so important to fall out of this toxic and poisonous love with both perspectives to see the clearer and bigger picture that it was purely destructive to you and meant to be. There was NO REAL LOVE!
Intellectually you need to assert the truth that they ARE so very disordered so you can purge the negative messages that were planted in your head that you are not worthy of this Narcissist’s love or a normal life. These negative messages were purposeful to manage you down to nothingness so the Narcissist could control you, isolate you, and keep you there while they extorted and used you as a source of supply. These messages are tricky because the positive ones from the ‘charm’ and ‘love bombing’ are mixed in there so well with the negative ones from the devaluation and discard and this is what has you so locked up in the ‘fog’ or confusion that you are feeling. They must be separated so that the positive love-bombing messages don’t pull you backward into believing that it WAS/IS real and there is a chance to fix this. Then intellectually understanding that all the blame/shame, lies, demeaning attacks and manipulation on you were projections from a very angry and cunning creature to make you feel completely worthless and convince you that you deserve this – as well as to CONTROL you. They are only as powerful as you allow them to be. Break the destructive messages and attachment to them and they are no longer able to control you and you are free to become yourself again. Knowledge and truth are the keys you need to unlock the prison that this Narcissist has locked you up and in!
You must first STOP the dance and take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. If you do not take care of yourself, no one will do it for you. This unfortunately is our journey that we MUST take. The very best thing you can do is to end the toxic relationship, which is slowly making you mentally and physically sick and distorting your concept of what real love AND life is meant to be. You must purge the manipulative and destructive messages OUT of your head or else they will be stuck there with you forever. You have already stayed with this Narcissistic liar, cheater, and a mental abuser for way too long, and understand there is no love there, only a twisted addiction to something that has become a horrible and debilitating routine in your life. Do not waste one more second of your precious life with this Narcissist when you have a chance to achieve the true happiness in life and the ability to love normally. Remember what got you here and ask yourself why you would want to get back with this destructive person to try to fix all the absurd abuse when you CAN’T. Then look at your life and actualize how debilitating this relationship has been to you. This is not an option! Leave this relationship behind so you can reach your full potential again and you WILL because you ARE really an amazing person that proved how strong you were, how loving you were, and now how strong you are to be here today and able to move forward. No/minimal contact and NEVER look back once you actualize the truth! Greg
THIS is VITAL for us to understand as far as gaining our freedom and moving forward. We DIDN’T care for or fall in love with the abuse nor were we stupid/foolish! We were seduced into this abusive relationship and manipulated into a role by a fraud and a highly disordered and sadistic Narcissist with an agenda!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
So, the truth or the crash course to understanding our role. The Narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche and penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques – brainwashing us every step of the way to gain our trust so we BELIEVE in them – then they can manage us down and control us to ‘get’ supply. They are seriously like a virus that establishes itself within its victims. Their words and manipulative actions echo through our psyche and mind, slowly but surely disabling every aspect of our reality with the sole intent to control and extort us. They are like poison to us and at every level of our life.
Recovery is a process that demands that we separate ourselves from the Narcissist that is alive and living inside of us as the result of living or being with that Narcissist. The Narcissist has crippled you (us) and assigned us a role as they do to every target/victim. We HAD to develop coping mechanisms with him/her. EVERY day we were forced (controlled) to “walk on eggshells” and develop our own false self to support their every need. It is nothing even comparable to BEING a Narcissist it is just defining what we become and that is a servant or Narcissistic supply. It is a direct result of the elaborate arsenal of tools that the Narcissist uses, and the result of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you (us) by the Narcissist.
Thus, great efforts are required to abandon a Narcissist and physical separation is only the first step. Next emotional and psychological separation is also required and that is the catch 22 in our recovery. It requires establishing a new reality that puts all our old beliefs about this relationship to rest forever. We can abandon a Narcissist physically, but our psyche is slow to abandon the Narcissist. The abuse is lurking there rendering its existence at every level of our reality. It is twisting and distorting our every thought as we reach out to find closure in response to the many years, we were with them. The Narcissist’s words and actions live within us as an inner, remorseless voice, lacking any compassion and empathy for our real being. The Narcissist is there in spirit long after he/she has vanished physically. This is the last bow of the Narcissist, their final curtain call, the proxy abuse that must be purged out of us.
MY STORY or better yet a little bit of my personal reflection/introspection on my personal abuse: Now I have the clarity about this abuse as well as the Narcissist that abused me. It is like being on a merry-go-round, but one that you cannot get off of and it just goes faster and faster until you are left there alone, frozen and spinning around with no sense of anything but the senseless motion you are in. I DO NOT understand why I endured as long as I did with this Narcissist except that I WAS managed down and a captive person of emotional and psychological abuse that put me there. Was I a willing participant that wanted to be abused – NO! Was I put into a position to believe that this creature loved me – YES! Was I the recipient of subtle and demeaning brain-washing – YES! Am I normal person than loves and has empathy – YES! Did I become dependent – YES! Did I willfully accept this role to become disabled and dependent on a Narcissist – NO! Did I believe in the false love – YES! BUT again, did I connect any or all of this OR put it together when I was in the thick of this cycle of abuse – NO. I was confused, dazed, and fighting for answers I didn’t have nor could I get to them because of my distorted emotions and trying to believe. It was my own justifications that blinded me from so much of the truth AND disabling.
The devaluation was relentless, and a new layer was added daily so I could not even start to dig myself out from the many other layers or realize this was emotional/psychological abuse. I didn’t have time to concentrate or figure out one single layer because another layer was added until the process was insurmountable, and I was just surviving each new day. I was in over my head and by myself with a distorted reality and stories that were just too incredulous and beyond belief so much so that I questioned my OWN reality and SANITY. I could only survive the best way I could, and my life was controlled by this revolving circle of inner messages that we are left with to decipher but it was too overwhelming to do alone. What did I have as my reality – a disordered and not fully functioning human being – A NARCISSIST?
Just like the analogy of that fast ride on the merry-go-round, my only salvation was to jump off at all costs and get my feet back on the ground and my bearings back again. This was not a simple process because this Narcissist made sure to set the groundwork to make those nearest and dearest to me believe that I was a bad person and derelict. This was an insurmountable situation that I had to venture into without any course of action to resolve any of it quickly. I stumbled through it and had to let go of many things that were important to my life and become a survivor. Day by day I acquired the truth as well as knowledge to move forward. I did not look at any of the losses at first, I realized that my survival was based on becoming healthy first and then to rebuild from there. I had to step out of the fog and take each and every day as part of my freedom that provided me clarity to heal and move on little by little until, I survived this war that was waged against my life. They just don’t walk into our lives to take supply and then discard us; they have to attempt to destroy us to make themselves feel better or superior in the process and to bury the evidence to avoid exposure so that they can move onto their NEXT source and they will repeat the exact same cycle of abuse with THEM.
I did survive when I accepted that all of this was ABUSE and nothing even near what I believed was real love. That was an exceedingly difficult hurdle for me, not just emotionally but for a vast array or reasons that came into question that concerned me personally as well as understanding that what I loved was basically a monster. I have purged everything out of me and found my way back again. This Narcissist is an envious, cruel, destructive, and a sadistic little person that will not ever love another person because their envy of life and people is so close to the surface that it naturally erupts as rage. They have no control to contain themselves because there are no rules, laws, or MORALITY to uphold within their vast void. Essentially, they must battle with their OWN false self through their many lies, manipulation and an out-of-control lifestyle that destroys every day of their life, so that they can only create another day with a new mask that will slip off like all of the others they wore.
They will put so much time into their agenda to trap someone new and take them down to their level, but we do break free from them and their little battle rages on with life that forces them to keep running as searching for another person. They don’t ever look back on their life with fond memories or fulfilled dreams because they don’t have a REAL life. Their own biological children become targets/victims and suffer from the fallout of their abuse and quickly become like every other person they abandon BUT they use and abuse them too if they can gain something from a connection with them. They have no past, present or future – only the destruction, loss, and loneliness that they have inflicted upon others that RETURNS to them tenfold. There is no happiness or ‘new’ love in their life, just another target to abuse and a new game for them to play AND distancing their past so it does not catch up with them.
You have the heart, soul, and mind to grow from this destructive time you spent with them. You can love again, and you have the spirit, knowledge, and goodness from your past life to re-educate yourself and come back again. Unlike a Narcissist that is in a constant battle with life, you are resilient because you know unconditional love that heals and have empathy to grow as rational, functioning, and normal human beings do! You are REAL, amazing, and resilient and CAN do this. You will never fully understand this because you have real empathy, compassion, and know love. With that in mind you only must understand the truth that they are abusive to all life and that they have seriously damaged your life. Don’t try to keep getting into their head to understand them anymore because that will put you right back into the abuse with more confusion and you will only stay on the merry-go-round until you stop, accept the truth and create a realistic closure that you were abused by a personality disordered person that never cared and you cannot fix them – but you CAN fix you and repurpose yourself after this insidious relationship with a Narcissist. No/minimal contact to move forward! Greg
Fake, phony, fraudulent, and imposter do not completely and accurately describe a Narcissist, but add these to their worldly resume – manipulative, emotionally and psychologically abusive, pathological liar, predator after a target, and personality disordered sums it up better – but FAKE is a MAJOR tool of their trade. The journey to understanding WHY and HOW they take us from CHARM to HARM. I want to really to drive these points home so we can understand how we fell down this rabbit hole and right into these abuser’s grasp.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
The Narcissist is a master of fake and fraudulent emotions/empathy with a phony façade and life to match. They appear to take you in, care about you, understand everything you are experiencing, and they appear to genuinely put themselves in your shoes to understand “YOU” with acceptance and unconditional love. They observe and react with that resounding smile, approval, and unconditional care and love. All of this causes you to let your guard down and honestly believe there is a genuine give-and-take in your relationship and a love that exists that is just for you. It is overwhelming to meet someone that is so much like you, so connected to your thoughts, and so reactive to meet your every need that you BELIEVE in them completely. BUT once they gain your trust, they will pounce on you. They wait until you are perfectly comfortable with them, and your guard is completely down or even perhaps having a low moment in your life and now the time has come to manage you down and to control you to manage the business at hand or secure the supply they came for. How do they do this? Through that amazing connection they created with us – what we did not expect is that THEY were also unlocking our insecurities, our likes and dislikes, our personal secrets, and anything else they could use AGAINST us in the second phase of this so-called relationship or the devaluation phase to control us – or the HARM phase!
What would you do if you were completely void of love and empathy, how would you interact in the normal world? Without emotions or the ability to bond you would have to control people to trap them into your defective world so you could essentially fit in and get/take what you need that you cannot accomplish on your own. Narcissists perfectly execute an emotional and psychological attack on their victim because their purpose is to wear you down, to humiliate you, and make you feel small and inferior and dependent on them OR again control. A Narcissist is not going to allow you to have feelings for YOURSELF and they are going to make you believe you are selfish and wrong for wanting ANY attention. There is no such thing as YOUR needs or individuality, and they basically erase your personality bit by bit. They want what they want, and they have invested their time to mold you into a viable source of supply. Narcissists do not tolerate individuality because people are objects for them to use as they see fit. There is nothing more here than their agenda coming to fruition, and you must understand that THIS IS ALL IT WAS. Predator after their prey using camouflage to hide the truth to trap you – or that façade and mask. The simple truth is that a person that cannot relate to emotions or empathy cannot relate to another human being in the smallest way.
A Narcissist ALWAYS loves to make you feel that YOU are crazy, especially if you try to confront them, make them accountable, bring up past issues or behaviors, or expose them when they are doing something appalling or lying. Basically, YOU are told that you have an overactive imagination, you don’t know what you are talking about, they have NO idea what you are talking about, or that you are simply making things up to cause problems. They will tell you that it is obvious that YOU are the one who is crazy (and tell you that everyone around you agrees with them about you being crazy). FURTHERMORE, they will claim not to remember any of these events, even flatly deny that they ever happened, and will NEVER accept the possibility that they might have forgotten. Your perceptions of normalcy and reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your own intuition, memory, processing your thoughts, or reasoning, AND constantly confused. The Narcissist is a master at spinning everything and deflecting to remain in control and keeping you vulnerable!
The Narcissist will up the game to include destroying your soul, your ego, your accomplishments, and any belief system you have to completely manage you down to feeling worthless. The way the game is played is for them to try to turn everything about you and everything you do, into a complete failure. The Narcissist has the reasoning of a child – but they act out like a controlling, demanding, and demeaning parent (more so toxic). No matter what your real age, you are never allowed to reach a viable emotional age with them especially one that allows for your individuality or growth with them. You will always be treated like a stupid child, a bad child, a silly child, etc., and you will always be reprimanded and put in your place to honor them completely and NEVER question them! Consistent managing down is what all this amounts to!
Everything with a Narcissist is competitive and every life situation is a competition that requires “one-upmanship”, to beat their opponent. It always involves a “payoff” for the Narcissist that is ALWAYS about them getting something or extorting everything they can and devaluing and hurting you somehow too. They feel superior within their ability to con, control, and destroy. Again, their delusional world is like a battleground with them against us because everybody and everything is a threat – be it real or perceived. They keep track of real AND imaginary things you do, have done, or might do. It is a reactionary relationship with them BUT you are the one that always must explain your every word and action to them and made accountable when you are not serving their every whim and need!
Lastly what supports their lies is complete DENIAL. It is important to recognize that the Narcissist will never acknowledge that any games are being played AND the important point here is that it is up to YOU to stop playing. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to fix them, the situation or heal them! You will always be told you are wrong, they are right, and that you are in need of some serious help. You cannot get them to acknowledge or take responsibility for their words or actions because they will always say they didn’t do it, or it never happened. They must or else face real accountability and retribution for their actions and then their gig would be up, so they deflect with more lies, more manipulation, and punishing, silencing and abusing you! They will destroy you completely to avoid exposure.
The main point here is that what I described is a Narcissist and how they abuse. They are not fully functioning human beings. They do not connect on ANY level with human beings except to use them as supply. We can describe this as a superficial relationship, but it goes far beyond superficial because it is a toxic and destructive relationship that will completely drain you and disable you and your belief system. Your responsibility is to get your ‘ah ha’ moment and understand that they are the defective ones that emotionally and psychologically inflicted some deep wounds that have severely affected your psyche. BUT that is where you start on your road to recovery. There is another type of healing that involves your personal emotional wounds that the Narcissist sourced out and used against you. Healing involves you and only you closing all of those wounds permanently through your personal journey or recovery!
Whatever that Narcissist has said to you that has deeply hurt you or wounded you is NOT a real observation; it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you and define you. They were so supportive in the beginning, but that was also to gain your trust and the knowledge of your weaknesses to use against you. You opened your amazing heart along with all your wounds and gave them the opportunity to find any and all of your weaknesses AND they were looking for them. They DO NOT have the ability to understand pain, sorrow, being vulnerable or apply empathy – they only want access to your weaknesses to use them against you or to CONTROL you.
This is what we must heal within us or those weaknesses that they have constantly pointed out because they are real and within us and now, they have made them come to the surface so much so that we lost our worth and trusting our own reality. They are master game players and used their keen perception to always be on top of their game. They took these weaknesses and embellished them to even make you think you were mentally ill and even fear yourself and your way of thinking. It is an extremely sick game that these Narcissists play, BUT it is a game that requires other players, and you have to totally opt out of participating! They will attack you at any and every level they can, even making fun of you physically and they can be VERY cruel! You will ask why and how they can do this – well again because they have no empathy, no care, no connection, no bond, no morals, and no love for any other human being or they are personality disorder AND they were after something – that is your complete answer. Please internalize and KNOW this! ALSO, please understand that you still ARE that amazing person, and this was situational abuse and lastly you will recover with knowledge, education, and support. No/minimal contact to start out on your journey to recovery! Greg
Narcissists are CHARMERS that hide their HARM (abuse) quite well!!
Narcissists are CHARMERS that hide their HARM quite well!! It is highly unlikely that anyone – even those people you tried to explain Narcissism to – HAVEN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder – they were just charmed into believing they were NORMAL. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who do not have a personal connection or primary role in their life to see reality of who and what they REALLY are. Once you get emotionally close to a Narcissist, THEN AND ONLY THEN do you get to see them drop their carefully crafted and charming mask that hides the out-of-control and abusive creature hiding behind it AND that is after they have TOTALLY fooled and conned you into their world.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
A Narcissist is so seductive that he/she makes you believe in him/her with your whole heart, mind, and soul. Unfortunately for all who tread on this emotional rollercoaster with a Narcissist they do not realize just how dangerous this connection with them is – HOW would we because in the beginning it is rewarding.
The charm a Narcissist utilizes creates an oblivious feeling of being connected or very attracted to most everything about them. We can become fascinated with someone because of their physical beauty BUT a charming and captivating Narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks can increase the magnetic pull towards the Narcissist, but that is not at the core of this abuse, it is the manufactured charm that is a psychologically and deceptive tool used to manipulate, condition, manage you down and control you.
They charm people to death (figuratively) and this is what literally attracts us to them. But with a Narcissist it is a magnetism that makes you feel a sort of hypnotizing attraction that manifests itself in your psyche and your soul! In reality you are being charmed by their power of REFLECTING back everything that is YOU creating this intoxicating and deep-rooted bond. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you have known them a long time, soul mates, or you feel very safe with them – perhaps you have known them in a prior life or whatever fantasy belief that Narcissist has instilled in your mind.
This is the Narcissists goal, and they are the biggest con artists that exist, and they mean to extort everything they can from you. They have unlocked the door to your head, and they are planning on using that entry to their advantage. They will move right in manipulate and manage down most everything that is your reality as you KNEW it. A skilled and extreme Narcissist knows just how to reflect your image right back onto you so that you feel like you are almost twins. What is not to like and trust when you have EVERYTHING in common?
A Narcissist creatively figures out some unique and impressive angle quickly, and one that few people would ever engage in. Basically, they are manipulating your emotions to gain entry into your heart and mind. Narcissists can typically manipulate most people with their extreme CHARM. They are always ten steps ahead of you, so much so that it is uncanny. They are very QUICK with these unique approaches and “BAM” they have swept you off your feet and keep you there to get something YOU have that THEY want. What else is there to do but bask in the glow of this unique relationship! You are undeniably intrigued by everything about them. When your relationship sours because the ugly truth rears itself with a Narcissist, you better duck for cover and be ready for a whole lot of damage control. ALSO, they have their minions or support team on the outside world that will take up their cause WHEN they start to destroy your integrity. CHARM is their tool to create their entourage and protectors. Their whole world is fake, and they construct each and every component of it to effectively protect themselves.
Again, they are ten steps ahead of you and have already thought through how you will react and are ready to discredit, disable, and destroy you. You can trust that they are determined to humiliate and obliterate you to avoid exposure of the truth that they are abusive predators. More than likely, they have already started another relationship well before they ended the relationship with you. It is always about a constant source of new supply, and they will keep up this abusive cycle all throughout their lives. NO/Minimal Contact! Knowledge is your power to getting to recovery. Greg
Those jaw dropping words that A Narcissist spews from their mouths that make us stand there amazed and in shock!
Those jaw dropping words that A Narcissist spews from their mouths that make us stand there amazed and in shock! Their words are NOT used to communicate, they are used to diminish and control people. Their words are always lies that are used as weapons to harm people. Their words have NO basis of reality except to fulfill their agenda and one that ALWAYS benefits THEM. Do not allow them to use their WORDS to poison you.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist
Narcissistic BABBLE, and their blah, blah, blah – or circular conversations, double talk, and word salads – just trickery, manipulation, diversion, and lies to create chaos – what else is new with a Narcissist – BUT these are dangerous emotional and psychological tools they use to diminish their target/victims. KOWLEDGE is power in understanding ENDING this abuse!
Narcissists are pathological hypocrites! They pretend to have morals and empathy, but they have NONE. Behind closed doors they are emotional abusers that demean, lie, silence, betray, and purposely harm the very people that care/love them. They believe all of that is OK and they can do whatever they want without reprise. They have standards and rules for everybody else, but do NOT abide by any of them OR practice what they preach! Make them accountable and you will be attacked and destroyed!
Skilled manipulative Narcissists intentionally use vagueness and ambiguity as a deflection so they can accuse YOU of misinterpreting what THEY said or did. This creates confusion, discredits the victim, and creates an avenue for the Narcissist to always evade responsibility from what they have said or done. Just another tool to gaslight, manipulate, and con their victims!
So, let’s start with the truth first – Narcissists use MANY deceptive and manipulative tools that are absolute and fundamental to the Narcissist’s survival in the real world – in other words everything is a manipulation of real facts to serve their agenda, opinions and actions – and the way it is conveyed is THROUGH THEIR WORDS. The Narcissist can’t change and, most importantly, they DON’T want to change. They inhabit a fantasy world which becomes reality for them and those they manage to brainwash. There is no reality or truth for any person that resides in their world. It is a train wreck waiting to happen and there are always many victims. In their world the truth and falsehood only hold instrumental meaning as they apply it to a situation and there is absolutely no morality contained in any of their thoughts or actions.
We must remember that at the core of the Narcissist psychopathy is a mindset governed by their grandiosity, lack of empathy for others, AVOIDANCE of the truth with a grand sense of entitlement and superiority that places them above laws and morality. The Narcissist grossly overestimates their abilities and accomplishments and underestimates the complete being of their target/victim. Simply put, the Narcissist should be able to do anything they wish, however harmful and destructive, because the Narcissist is better than others. In the Narcissist’s mind, by making us a part of their wonderful life by mere association with them, he/she passes on to us this grandiosity as if they are royalty and that is our reward. It is ridiculous and repulsive that they can believe this nonsense and more akin to pompousness and arrogance.
It is hard if not impossible to fully wrap our heads around the outlandish behavior of a Narcissist or their psychopathic mindset so we really shouldn’t try to as it relates to and describes our abuse because it really had nothing to do with who WE are. Narcissists believe the truth they create at the moment they need it to provide them with new opportunities – there is no rhyme or reason to it. I believe they even have their own language, and it is delusional at its basis and only ‘doubletalk’ to meet their agenda to extort other people’s lives.
They are only charmers and seducers that use their staged ‘word scripts’ to extort life and people. If I had to interpret SOME of their words, it would go like this — there are MANY more examples, TOO many to list – but most everything they say is weaponized – so please add to the list.
1. “I love you” means “I want something to give me a ‘high’ at this very moment like a drug addict taking a hit from their favorite drug.”
2. “I would NEVER intentionally hurt you” literally translates to “Watch your back because I can’t be trusted as far as I can be thrown, so I am gathering up all the information I can to smear you, back-stab you and WOUND you so you learn to fear my wrath!”
3. “You love me and you know it” translates to “You WILL forgo any and all of your needs and bend to my will and ALL of MY needs.”
4. “Trust me” means “Tell me what I want to know so I can use it to get what I want as well as use it against you when I have to.”
5. “You are the love of my life,” translates into “You are just the next one of a long, list or sequence of targets/victims that will be used and abused.”
6. “Mutual monogamy or fidelity” means “you WILL be faithful to me while I cheat on you.”
7. “Betrayal” in the Narcissist’s mind is defined and justified with this – “How dare you disapprove of something/anything I did or said. You broke the law, didn’t follow my rules and you disobeyed ME. I will show you what happens AND you must and will be punished.”
8. “Mutual commitment” translates into “Everything in your life revolves around me and me alone, BUT I will do exactly what I want.”
9. “Honesty” never means the truth “It is me (Narcissist) saying whatever gets me what I want at the moment.”
10. “I miss you SO MUCH” means “I miss the function you play in my life as supply, but there are plenty of other objects I can play with when I need MORE and better supply.
11. “I love you like no other, we ARE soul mates” means “I’ll give you attention, flattery, gifts, and ‘love bomb’ you to death only until I hook you emotionally and gain your trust AND can extort everything I can from you and your life, and then I am out of here.”
12. For the supply on the side “My wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend doesn’t really love me or satisfy me” really interprets to ‘Neither will you, in a few weeks or months, at most and I will toss you aside too.”
13. “We are MEANT to be together forever” means “ABIDE by my rules because I own you completely while I remain free to do as I please.”
14. “We can and will work this out” means “But it is NEVER my fault. If I did something you believe is harmful, you are over-reacting OR it’s because your services weren’t good enough for me.”
15. “I am tired of you ALWAYS bringing up the same arguments!” Which interprets as you have hit on the truth every time so the Narcissist will just turn it back around onto you!
16. “I hate you” means that YOU have caught them in their lies so they are going to divert to try to hurt you at any level they can.
17. “You have issues” literally means that again you have called them but on something and it is like a little child responding with – “I know you are but what am I,” or just psychobabble to create chaos.
Every word, phrase, or statement of the Narcissist’s so-called “circular truth” is only said in the moment or momentary and always contingent upon their immediate gratification. All their efforts, no matter what only represent an investment designed to satisfy the Narcissists immediate wishes and desires through positivity or negativity – none of which is real or a true reflection of you and I. Their feelings are shallow, so is the value of their ‘truth’s’ that they are always waving in our face. The best thing to do when they make one of their famous proclamations is to always add “for now” to the end of their declarations. There is no passion, and they are by far never grounded with any caring emotions, empathy, or love AND NEVER A COMMITMENT! They may pretend to care or love you FOR the moment but once they are not physically in your presence, they will be pursuing another source of supply or chasing after some new and temporary pleasure!
Lies and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing and deflecting from reality, but the Narcissist does this with a very deceptive agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives (and sometimes for MANY years), then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity! BUT here is the truth – you are an amazing person, you have all your mental facilities, you can love, you have great empathy, and you are STRONG because you survived this and are here today. You will recover from this and be free from this abuser. It all starts now with education, knowledge, and support. You will align with all of this and the truth of your situation and purge all the abuse out of your life. It is a process that requires time, but it is worth it because you will get your good life back and freedom. It all starts with no/minimal contact to get the clarity you need! REMEMBER knowledge and education is imperative to move forward! Greg
The ‘TOOLS OF THE NARCISSIST’S TRADE’ they use to control people!
The ‘TOOLS OF THE NARCISSIST’S TRADE’ they use to control people! Narcissists USE triangulation on a regular basis to shore up their fake image through compartmentalizing people and information or divide and conquer. This keeps their lies hidden from one person to the next. They extract personal information or ANY information you have trusted them with, embellish/twist it, and use it against you
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
Triangulation is just another tool the Narcissist uses to create a powerful and seductive bond over their targets (and everybody else in the target/victim’s immediate world). Narcissists use triangulation on a regular basis to shore up their fake image through compartmentalizing people – this keeps their lies hidden from one person to the next because they create MANY stories about who they are and none of them are real. Remember they are doing this with everyone AND putting that wedge in between people with a bit of their back-stabbing – again to compartmentalize people or divide and conquer. They triangulate your family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, ex partners (if they have anything to do with them,) and yes potential new supply (but they usually do that on the side, so we are none the wiser.) Whatever the situation they will triangulate so this even happens within the Narcissist’s own family structure and with their friends, etc. They are essentially triangulating everybody to stay in charge and control of their immediate world – or that ‘compartmentalization.’
The Narcissist is basically grooming others WITH a deceptive agenda – DIVIDE AND CONQUER. They feel such an intense high or euphoria when they play people against each other, ESPECIALLY when it becomes a competition for them to gain adulation/adoration. Narcissists will absolutely manufacture situations to make you jealous and question their connection with you, relationship, and even fidelity in a so-called love connection. They will even make you think that the people closest to you are talking behind your back. The Narcissist will present the allegations as a concern of course to minimalize the real agenda to put wedges in between you and the people closest to you. The reverse is also true because the Narcissist will go to the people closest to you and make them believe you have said things about them as well – AND only out of concern of course! This basically isolates you from the people closest to you and forces you to become dependent on the concerned Narcissist. Pure deception that destroys you as well as your integrity.
When you are going through this it is never apparent because so many levels of this abuse is circling around all of your thoughts that you never have the time to think anything through with any sense of reality or realizing the real truth that what they say is just more of their ‘crazy making!’ Triangulation is basically pitting YOU against a false situation AND people to make you feel that you just do not meet up with the Narcissist’s expectations or what they expect of you as well as making you feel worthless as compared to some of the very people that you care for in your life. It is the process of managing what you do or have done down through the Narcissist’s incredulous and fake stories to make everything, and everybody seem so much better than you OR anything you do for them. BUT that Narcissist being a shrewd manipulator also does this to keep people in their required compartments to keep their lies safe. A Narcissist NEVER wants people to meet up and talk about them or else they would be totally busted when people compare notes.
Triangulation is also woven tightly into the discard phase. They will particularly use it openly when they make the decision to abandon you. This is when they will begin speaking openly and freely about how much this relationship with YOU hurt or destroyed them, and they CAN’T deal with your horrible behavior anymore – AND they are broadcasting it to everyone. They will even mention (to us) about talking to a close friend/family about the relationship and going into detail about how they both agreed that the relationship was not healthy at all (and our fault.) They are blatantly sending you messages about your worthlessness and blaming you by backing it up with a third party. You will be amazed at their conjectures of what you have done wrong, and you only ask yourself why the Narcissist never spoke to you in a realistic manner about these crazy issues or even gave you the consideration to understand they felt this way and were moving on. After all you were part of the relationship, weren’t you? None of it was or is real and just part of the bigger game that always kept you confused and isolated. Now that they have found new supply and it is just more lies and avoidance to manage you down completely and disable you. NEVER ANY CLOSURE just a hit and run attack! We were not any part of a normal and conventional relationship, and we never were meant to be. It was just our turn as supply and after the harvest or extortion the Narcissists has moved on to newer and abundant supply!
In the end we MUST internalize the truth even as hard as it is to do so – but the truth will set us free. The sad reality is that this becomes clear once you are well on your way to recovery, so it is a process. If we would have understood this in the beginning, we would not have suffered through the abuse. BUT real information is necessary to move forward so you become clear and CAN recover. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! After the discard you are dealing with so many corrupt messages meant to only abuse AND control you more and more into a submissive role. The role is basically to silence you by making you out to be the ‘crazy one’ or the troublemaker so the Narcissist avoids exposure. Very much of the destruction that the Narcissist inflicts on us is ALWAYS done well in advance before we are aware of their real motives during the discard phase. They will keep pulling you into the crazy making to use as more proof that you are only obsessed and crazy by turning it all around. My Narcissist kept it up for a year after I decided I was done. Begging me, pleading with me, to stay, etc., and then turning it around if it was me doing the begging and pleading. This Narcissist would ask why I was saying such horrible things and would deny EVER saying anything negative about me. What a huge joke, this Narcissist said these negative things in so many emails/text messages, and I heard it from people all around me. It was some smear campaign, BUT again it must have been me misinterpreting EVERYTHING – nope it was the truth! Even when there is absolute proof staring them in the face they will still lie and deny! I had the clarity to establish ‘no contact’ and THEN and only then was I able to accept all the distorted truths that I met up with a real monster! Do not stay stuck to this monster because you will only remain a puppet to their disordered and abusive agenda. No/minimal contact to live and love again. Greg