Author Archives: ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissists are pathological hypocrites because their words and actions do NOT line up with ANY of their actions or REAL thoughts – they are just words they use at any given moment to line up with THEIR particular agenda that is ALWAYS and everchanging to meet THEIR needs.

Narcissists are pathological hypocrites because their words and actions do NOT line up with ANY of their actions or REAL thoughts – they are just words they use at any given moment to line up with THEIR particular agenda that is ALWAYS and everchanging to meet THEIR needs.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

There is no “one” real person inside of them that is fully functioning or normal, instead there are many made up facsimiles of personalities that they use to cover up their dark reality to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people. SO, it follows that there is no proper internal mechanism that exists or functions as it relates to a Narcissist having a normal and functioning ‘personality’ that can relate in a healthy manner with the outside world and the people in it. The reality that exists (and I am very loosely using that word reality) is a thin veneer or skin that is like a mask and costume they CREATE and wear that corresponds with their needs at any given moment TO TRAP ANOTHER TARGET/VICTIM. It is very interchangeable at any given moment as well, so it fools the rest of the world and protects the Narcissist from being EXPOSED as the abusive person that they are.

They are like a chameleon that is able to change the color of its skin to match its environment and they are amazingly adept at this. The Narcissist disengages, detaches, or un-knows their dark inner self and easily identifies with something external and creates (or wears) this projected ‘good’ image instead – and there you have it a different person for every different ‘need’. That need is usually to trick their targets and use them as ‘Narcissistic Supply’ and just a major component of their survival (again they need us for SUPPLY.) Basically their functioning image is the biggest lie that this extortionist uses in their arsenal of deceit or ABUSE. Or as my friend said ‘compartmentalization’ – they compartmentalize us to fit the many different and exacting needs they have for each of us.

Now that is pretty messed up! The relationship with yourself, or the one that requires a conscience, morals, empathy, a soul, etc., is a pretty important relationship to be lacking COMPLETELY, and pretty much a requirement or prerequisite to being a functioning human being and living life NORMALLY with others. If you don’t relate to your own self or your life in a healthy matter, how can you relate to anyone else in a ‘healthy manner?’ JUST MY POINT – a Narcissist lacks the mechanisms needed to be a ‘fully functioning human being’ so they invent what they need as they go along in life and we play along or join in unknowingly with their toxic and destructive game. It is how they survive because they NEED US to be able to survive and live amongst us daily because for now we are still the majority here on this planet. BASICALLY we are here to supply them OR fulfill their every need, be it financially as in a career, sexually to fulfill their physical needs, familial so ‘they’ have a proper ‘face’ to appear ‘normal, moral and ethical’, friends to help them shore up their façade and believe their ‘lies’, or whatever they can harvest and use from people to fill in the huge VOID that they are. None of us serve anything more OR are more than a “bit part” in the Narcissist deranged and disordered life. We function to serve a specified need the Narcissist has at a specific time, AND they may have multiple relationships going on at once to secure all the supply they can get – but we are none the wiser!

A Narcissist lacks all social graces in the most extreme ways because underneath their ‘seductive’ façade, they don’t honor any human rights, respect individuality, or obey any written law. They live life in an extremely pathological and abusive manner. They imitate a functioning human being and take everything they want and need through some extreme and manipulative methods. They also get bored easily with their conquests SINCE they lack the mechanisms to form healthy bonds (and decisions), so they STRAY very easily to keep the excitement and adulation flowing in their world. Now it is bad enough they are life’s extortionist but they also seem to loathe all healthy loving people that would dare express their individuality, question them or demand accountability, so they lose their patience with us quickly and psychologically attack our minds in an effort to destroy our life as we know it.

Like any other bully you have to disengage from the Narcissist because if you don’t they will only attack you in unimaginable ways to destroy your integrity as well as your life – they have to win the battle they have with life, people and essentially the WHOLE world! You will ‘seemingly’ end up being the crazy one and the abuser because they will make you out to be everything bad/wrong just like a psycho bully would react to remove any blame from themselves and pass it onto you, basically their back-stabbing and smear campaign. Not a very pretty package at all. Just always remember, you haven’t done ANYTHING wrong to deserve this because they don’t function like other human beings. They don’t even have a clue what liking, caring or LOVING is so they live without it by pretending they know it, but you CAN’T pretend to care/love especially when you have no morals and it catches up with the Narcissist very quickly. NO/minimal contact to shut them out of your life completely – you cannot have reality or normality with a Narcissist being ANY part of your world. Greg

NEVER a relationship with them instead it is a reign of terror with a Narcissist! The TRUTH will set us free!

NEVER a relationship with them instead it is a reign of terror with a Narcissist! The TRUTH will set us free!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Attacking your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can, the abusive Narcissist plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your “buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.”

The Narcissist can and will even go so far as always threatening “your security” with them which could include ending the relationship if you do not conform, dating other people, affairs, silencing or use other controlling terrorist/fear tactics.

They are very unpredictable with their day to day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable/normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos and gas-lighting!).

This behavior is damaging and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused and controlled waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO act so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is control to keep you constantly disabled.

They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain CONTROL over you. Be it making fun of us, belittling us, criticizing us, name calling, screaming at us, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making us the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you. They have to have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.

Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above) – somewhere you are LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.

Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!

The victim becomes less and less of what they used to be prior to meeting the Narcissist. It becomes a vicious cycle of denigration, debasing, dehumanization and destruction by the narcissist until there is nothing of substance left of the victim. The dismantling of the victim was skillfully orchestrated by the narcissist, and then as if to add INSULT TO INJURY the Narcissist will unmercifully criticize the victim for “not being the person” the Narcissist fell in love with – basically they are erasing your personality and complete being. All of the “blame and shame” will ceremoniously be dumped on the victim to kick them down even further into the destruction a Narcissist inflicts on everyone. The Narcissist will even “project” their betrayal and perverse lifestyle onto the victim and accuse them of what they (the Narcissist) is actually doing. The Narcissist will not yield to anything once they have the reigns of terror going and will even physically make fun of their victim to inflict every possible form of damage they can. This disables the victim completely, so they can’t possibly fight back and expose the Narcissist as the REAL abuser they are. The Narcissist has been back-stabbing and “smearing” the victim to family, friends, co-workers and any other people that will listen to further damage the integrity of the victim. The Narcissist will then discard the victim quickly and without regard. The cycle of abuse and destruction has been completed. The victim has been devoured by the Narcissist and left by the roadside. This describes and is NARCISSISTIC ABUSE or better yet psychological rape of their victim. This is not simply “emotional abuse”, or a bad relationship between two people – this is a calculated attack of a predator after prey. This is a disordered human being that willfully harms good people – EVEN their own biological children will become victims of their damaging cycle of abuse. Predator after prey!

Is this a disorder as well as a NON-functioning human being? Well we have to say yes because NO NORMAL person would act out in this manner against another human being, but let’s not forget that there is a great deal of thought put into this abuse. It is cognitive, meaning that the Narcissist puts rational thought evoking processes into effect to get the desired results they want from their targets/victims starting with the charm and love-bombing to set the trap. SO can we safely say it is premeditated? That word is largely used in the legal profession to describe somebody that has carefully thought out a crime with INTENTION! If a criminal is charged with this they go to jail without passing “GO.” It’s a ‘Monopoly’ saying when you draw the card that says “Go Directly to Jail and do not pass GO and collect any money” – a little bad humor.

As always, I end with go “NO CONTACT!” Unequivocally it is the only way to gain your freedom from this calculating, disordered, manipulating, cunning, lying, extortionist and abuser that MEANS to inflict damage on their prey as well as take everything they can! You can and will recover from this abuse – but YOU MUST understand that the Narcissist is as calculated in their attacks on people as is a shark with its prey. Once you establish the facts/truth about your abuser you must put it all into perspective to release from the ‘blame and shame’ as well as the worthlessness that you feel and the Narcissist made you internalize or better yet forced down your throat. You are NOT to blame for any of this because abuse is ALWAYS wrong and there are NO ifs, ands, or buts about it! Find that spirit, it is still there with you as well as your self-esteem, goodness, empathy and LOVE — I promise you that this had NOTHING to do with who or what you are, it has to do with an extremely disordered person that manipulated you into ALL OF THIS because they are an abhorrent and disordered abuser. You are and always have been the beautiful and amazing person you always were – THAT IS WHY YOU ARE STILL HERE TODAY, and you still have tomorrow – and don’t give that up. You WILL be the person you once were!

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist.

A Narcissist has one main function and that is to control and objectify each and every person that is involved in their lives and to secure SUPPLY.

A Narcissist has one main function and that is to control and objectify each and every person that is involved in their lives and to secure SUPPLY.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Once you enter into Narcissist-ville you sign away your right to freedom or individuality, and you better be ready to become an indentured servant to the Narcissist, as well as take your emotional beatings regularly. Your lawful rights are striped from you and you are now under the rule of a sadistic dictator that lacks any and all emotions and empathy – and there is no way to escape their rule unscathed or damaged. The Narcissist intends to control people through negativity, harm, and fear. This is how the Narcissist maintains their reign of control and that is through emotional and psychological manipulation. It is an epic relationship with them because they start you out on this journey by loving you – or so they say to open the door to their abusive world!

At any given moment there are lies to cover the their delusional truths, manipulation to confound and confuse you, betrayal to hurt what you believe is real, back-stabbing to undermine your integrity, triangulation to destroy your immediate circle of friends and family, love-bombing to make you believe the Narcissist is true to you, blame and shame to make you believe you are the destructive force in this relationship, WITHHOLDING to condition you to react as the Narcissist wants you to, raging to make you fearful of your existence, hate to reduce you to feeling anguish, name calling or making fun of you to steal your self-esteem, projection to make you out to be the force behind the destruction, denying you any semblance of your own reality, silencing to invalidate your individualism, punishment to make you accept their way or accept harm as a consequence, smearing to destroy your complete integrity so the Narcissist can escape exposure, AND many more avenues that a disordered Narcissist will travel to abuse their target/victim. We must never allow this to be defined as just a personality disorder and give it credence and acceptability – IT IS DESTRUCTIVE AND DEBILITATING EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE!

Psychological abuse is a process whereby the abuser conditions or manages the target/victim down through subtle to extreme CONTROL. As I outlined above there are so many tactics that a Narcissist uses to do this so that every aspect of the target/victim’s conscious world is manipulated into dealing with the abuse tactics and this diverts and warps a target/victim’s reality over time and traumatizes them. It becomes a 24/7 or full time job as it concerns the target/victim dealing with so many mind games that are thrown their way. It literally causes their world to fall apart around them.

The conditioning a Narcissist uses changes behaviors and manipulates the victim’s normal reality and transforms it into some form of fear for the target/victim where they are always having to react. Fear can be interpreted as many things with emotional and psychological abuse – fear that the target/victim BELIEVES they really have mental health issues, fear of abandonment, fear of punishment, fear of loss, fear of rage, fear of destruction at the hands (or better yet the mouth) of a Narcissist, fear of being harmed, fear of isolation, and fear of not being worthy of love AND life.

This conditioning process ALSO puts the target/victim into a place of trust first where they are joined at the hip with their abuser. Clinically the Narcissist ‘love bombs’ the target/victim literally to death to create this strong emotional bond so they can easily achieve their agenda to pillage, extort and destroy their target/victim’s reality, mind, and soul. It conditions the target/victim to value the Narcissist above themselves because the Narcissist successfully managed the target/victim down so they DON’T value themselves anymore. It is a constant barrage of a combination of manipulative and negative actions as well as the LACK of positive and supportive actions. It is also punishing the victim through silencing, raging, ignoring, criticizing, and forcing them into complete compliance. The target/victim is forced to only consider what the Narcissist needs are, and the Narcissist NEVER considers a single need of the target/victim.

The Narcissist disallows individualism in favor of this complete compliance and adoration of themselves. Failure to do so will only lead to stronger attacks of anger or rage to comply or else. There is no reward for meeting the Narcissist’s needs because they will demand more and more. The target/victim is drained of their self-esteem, worth, and reality and the Narcissist will only go in for the kill with more dehumanizing, destruction and ‘smearing’ their target/victim and then abandoning them and moving on to abuse another.

With all of this in mind is there anything that is as equally insidious as far as what this abuse does to a good, loving, caring, and moral person that lives with empathy at the core of their reality. NO and I say it again as a survivor of this abuse that has lived within this destructive lifestyle and lived with what was a battle to regain my integrity and life back. This is not a simple matter of going into recovery, it is like learning to walk again, seeing the goodness once more that does exist in life, learning to trust people, rebuilding yourself financially, and basically starting over after being infected by a contagious, destructive, and personality disordered Narcissist.

The Narcissist will always manage EVERYBODY down and condition us to believe that their every action/word (abuse) is a reality that we must accept because we don’t deserve any better. A Narcissist wants your reality, your goodness, and basically your life and to completely accept them as ‘perfect’ or jump ship and drown without them.

CLARITY to move forward! How is a Narcissist able to walk around in our world and get away with emotional and psychological murder? Through their extreme Charm and Harm, AND the same way they manipulated you and I into believing in them. They control all people in the same manner.

CLARITY to move forward! How is a Narcissist able to walk around in our world and get away with emotional and psychological murder? Through their extreme Charm and Harm, AND the same way they manipulated you and I into believing in them. They control all people in the same manner.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists do not have ANY capacity to have healthy interactions with ANYBODY. They simply are not wired with the internal mechanisms to have these skills! How do they manage to imitate the normal human condition so well? Through observation and studying people and mimicking our behaviors. Again, they are basically predators that camouflage their true selves to remain undetected so they can con and then trap people into their world, otherwise their lack of emotions, empathy, compassion and everything else would scare people off. It is just a working façade for them to fit into society.

Narcissists are also very skilled in a manner to dissociate any real guilt or shame that they should feel about their betrayal, dehumanization and antisocial behaviors. This dissociation is like a force field that protects the Narcissist from seeing their real identity and realizing how cruel their actions actually are. This dissociation also prevents them from experiencing any guilt. Dissociation is a difficult concept to grasp and basically clinical in nature. It means to block out a thought or emotion and then projecting it onto and into someone else. In the real world we just say Narcissist DO NOT CARE and that is the basic reality with them. Watch them run off after they are exposed and start a whole new life again with new supply AND within days of ending their relationship with you. You will be blocked from their social networking sites, ostracized as being mentally insane, a liar, abusive to them, AND THEY HATE YOU. Just another HUGE wall they create to block how they abused another ‘ex!” They will even leave their biological children behind with a care!

OK so the nitty gritty to help you understand how a human being can be like this! Narcissists don’t live in the real world that you and I do. They live in their own world made up of fantasy, lies, delusions, deceit, and they lack any and all morals. They have their own ‘fantasy reality’ that everyone that has any part of their life must accept or they will be deemed crazy, punished, and even destroyed. They live in a world where they make up all the rules and then break all the rules. In this world everyone must think just like them or better yet approve everything that the Narcissist does without question or prejudice. If you are a part of their life you can never reflect anything that would reveal their true Identity or ask for accountability from them in ANY manner.

All of the Narcissist’s sins must be forgiven and accepted but YOU must be perfect and basically their servant and caretaker. Acceptance and adoration must be given to the Narcissist CONSTANTLY, but absolutely none is given to you in return. In their world ABUSE is how they reward your love and you must accept the abuse because that is all you are worthy of. You must support their deluded actions without blinking an eye, but if you breathe the wrong way you will be severely punished.

Living in their world will always involve gas-lighting, betrayal, pathological lying, isolation, triangulation, and extreme manipulation so they can keep their false identity in place. You constantly must tip toe around the Narcissist’s fragile ego to keep them happy so that their true identity and nature doesn’t rear its ugly face. Living in their world is like walking through a field of land mines or hidden bombs and you never know when they will explode but when they do the Narcissist is always there detonating them!

It is a distorted land of make believe and everything is fine as far as the Narcissist is concerned because it totally serves them. BUT it is a land of horrible secrets and painful lies for the victim. THE ONLY truth is a relative truth based on what YOU may believe the relationship really is or what you were conned into believing was real. YOUR relationship IS ONLY held together through fear, guilt, obligation and desperation – that and being a source of supply to this Narcissist until they find a replacement. This is a desperate love for you and a nonexistent love as it concerns a Narcissist because it is part of their working façade to ONLY pull you in and keep you as a source of supply until a better one comes along!

The Narcissist sabotages everything and everyone because NOBODY can be better or do better than the NARCISSIT! It is a place where your dreams will die quickly, and your self-esteem and self-worth die along with them. It is a place where caring, liking, or love does not exist at all! It doesn’t only occur in romantic relationships, it can be a family member, a friend, or even a boss, co-worker or somebody in your community – and a Narcissist will malign and severely damage everybody that has any sort of connection with them.

Suddenly after so much time together with this Narcissist your world is no longer the one you believed in. You question everyday reality, but most of all you question yourself. You wonder how you could have been so naive, foolish, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing, etc., etc. You were betrayed and duped in a hideous fashion by the great manipulator! It was just your turn to be a puppet for this Narcissist or replace old supply and shore up the Narcissists lies. You essentially became their safe haven after their last target/victim and just new supply.

YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns truth and reality in a very normal manner! BUT the Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through deception to make you BELIEVE they are like you in every way when they are the direct opposite and purely toxic. With all of their overt manipulation they make you believe they are so full of charm and love AND there is no reason NOT to reciprocate back with your love, devotion and TRUST. You see no other reason than to believe him/her because if the Narcissist acts like you (the NORMAL person), reciprocates by saying that he/she likes or loves you, then there is no reason not to believe him/her because in your past, people who acted in this manner and spoke these exact same words could be trusted. You only believed there was congruency or reality in the initial connection and you did what other normal people did and went with it because the Narcissist LIED so well and hid their secret perverted world from you! But not now because time has changed so many things. YOU TRUSTED THIS PERSON WITH YOUR LOVE!

Suddenly you learn that someone (the Narcissist) you trusted implicitly, be it a spouse, lover, family member, close friend, etc., has been putting you down, backstabbing you, lying, manipulating others against you, betraying you, and yet STILL maintaining a FALSE stance of intimacy, friendship, or LOVE with you. It is just impossible to understand because it is a horrendous betrayal, so your world becomes so unclear and now you have so much conflict and animosity about this.

Unfortunately, you are stuck between two worlds – one where you believed in their love and one where you see truth that it was a distorted love meant to harm you! A Narcissist loves to get into your head and gain control to satisfy their every need, then they enjoy devaluing you for letting them in and enjoy the process of the harm they inflict upon you. It is this power they love and need to survive.

There are so many areas of our lives that are impacted by the abuse that are so far reaching that it reached your deepest level of core beliefs and literally changes your identity! It is just never one area that is affected by this abuse, it is our emotional, spiritual, mental, and even our physical world that is seemingly altered forever! Each area requires its own recovery process and the reason why recovering takes a very long time, education, support, introspection and a STRONG will to get better – one in which you must completely purge this Narcissist out of your thoughts, heart, soul, and life forever. It all starts with no/minimal contact! Greg

Backstabbing and the Smear Campaign! SO VERY IMPORTANT to understand what is behind this! Damned if we do or damned if we don’t. Why do Narcissists basically get away with abuse and why do people believe them first and then we are left having to fight to get our integrity back?

Backstabbing and the Smear Campaign! SO VERY IMPORTANT to understand what is behind this! Damned if we do or damned if we don’t. Why do Narcissists basically get away with abuse and why do people believe them first and then we are left having to fight to get our integrity back?

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Many, if not all Narcissists completely get away with their psychological terrorism and they basically murder their targets self-esteem, mind, soul AND their integrity with their backstabbing and ‘smear campaign!’ Be it the bullying, slander, or abuse, things that should be prosecutable offenses and they do this all of their lives. So just how do they get away with it all without any consequences AND why do people believe them? WELL, first off because the Narcissist KNOWS that they are creating outrageous and dehumanizing acts against people and humanity – they also think up ways to avoid the consequences, especially because of what they fear the most – EXPOSURE of who they are and what they do! Funny how this works – they do not care in the least bit as far as how they damage people, but they make sure that NOBODY is ever wise to their actions – BUT that describes a personality disordered person – toxic, chaotic, unstable and abusive!

A couple simple approaches to understanding this craziness and chaos. A Narcissist uses targeted confusion, lies and manipulation with backstabbing and that smear campaign OR divide and conquer – this also helps divert the attention away from the Narcissist who is the culprit. SO THE BIG PLAN – that shrewd Narcissist destroys the victim’s credibility well in advance, so they are ten steps ahead of the game by destroying the victim’s integrity well before they abandon them – it makes ‘getting away’ easier for the Narcissist. They are by far NOT geniuses, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you want to get away with something like abusing someone, you first launch an effective pre-emptive attack on their character, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when the truth finally starts emerging that they (target/victim) was abused. Here is the formula for the Narcissist to be successful at this – abuse and then accuse your target/victim of the very atrocity they (the Narcissist) has committed and BOOM you are on top of your game to escape the exposure. They have been backstabbing/smearing us behind our backs from the very first day that we met them – but we were very distracted by the ‘love bombing’ and growing trust with this creature OR just us being a normal and empathic human being that opened up our hearts and giving our TRUST to them implicitly. Meanwhile that dark Narcissistic creature was gathering up information to use against us when they needed it and building up their minions, flying monkeys or Narcissistic support soldiers.

The basic facts of life as it concerns those people that love to put themselves in the middle to judge others, or the Narcissists best friends and supporters or MINIONS – they are toxic and basically abusers too. BUT the bigger lesson of “damned if we do or damned if we don’t” is the culprit here too! Everybody knows that when somebody defends themselves from accusations with accusations, the majority will always believe the one who accused first and views the ‘defendant’ (the victim) as the attacker, the scorned one and retaliating as if the target/victim were caught in OR did the outrageous things that the Narcissist has alleged. This is irrational, because the initial accuser (the Narcissist) is the attacker and there is no more reason to believe one party over the other but people do! Lastly if we don’t make an attempt to stand up or defend our integrity we are guilty by the design of the disordered Narcissist’s smear campaign. No win situation for the target or victim, especially when they are already vulnerable from the ABUSE and basically a shell of a person.

So, people believe the Narcissist first. The more preposterous the Narcissist’s accusations, the more firmly people believe them because they got there first spreading their poisonous lies! It is like when a child comes forward with accusations of abuse, people are going to (or basically have to) believe the child to get to the truth about the allegations. Any and all preposterous accusations will always yield very strong attention to the subject matter because you just can’t walk away from such a dangerous and damaging situation without offering support because it would seem if the person listening didn’t care or lacked the empathy to help the lying Narcissist out. Just the shrewd monster acting out their destructive agenda.

The disordered Narcissist commits moral mayhem by destroying the victim’s reputation and credibility, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when they start to tell the truth. Truthfully this description of mayhem that the Narcissist used to destroy the target/victim’s credibility is purely projection, so the Narcissist gets a bonus by dumping their demons onto us as well! Thus with the Narcissist this preemptive back-stabbing and smear campaign, allows the Narcissist to reduce the target/victim to such a vulnerable and helpless state that it compounds the abuse at the highest level by accusing the target/victim of being the abuser as well. Remember that the Narcissist used the ‘familiarity’ of knowing us personally to ‘be in the know’ about many of our situations and that familiarity will yield semi-valid but distorted ‘personal’ information and connections to events and other people. In other words, their smear campaign will be laced with small bits and pieces of a distorted truth that listeners can relate to. So there you have it – the Narcissist carries out their abuse to fruition with their ‘smear campaign’ after they have discarded their victim and that gives them the protection to run off unscathed. We have to remember that what they have said is ALL lies as well as consider that any so called ‘friends’ that know us AND would believe those lies without asking us is not worth our consideration yet alone our friendship. No/minimal contact to get away from this madness once and for all! Greg

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth – we never mattered to the Narcissist! As sad as this may seem the truth is what DOES set us free and able to move onto recovery with the TRUTH and clarity.

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth – we never mattered to the Narcissist! As sad as this may seem the truth is what DOES set us free and able to move onto recovery with the TRUTH and clarity.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

One of the MOST DIFFICULT concepts with this abuse is the realization that you didn’t matter in the least bit to your Narcissist! There is only one person that really matters to the Narcissist and that is himself or herself! You were only one of the many stepping stones in their life or OBJECTS to extort supply from or take whatever you had that they wanted or needed. They objectify ALL human beings and basically harvest what they can from them. You never mattered when they were with you, it was totally about THEIR needs and controlling you to be a constant source of supply. Within this concept comes the many tools in their arsenal of abuse that they used to keep you under their control so they could achieve supply (basically all of their lies that flowed so easily, their lack of accountability, the betrayal, manipulation, etc.) They are predators that seek out prey. It is so hard to conceptualize this truth in a manner to completely separate ourselves emotionally and physically from this person – BUT WE MUST!

We believed and went along with the Narcissist’s charming agenda because we really had NO sense of the reality of the basic truth that they were never there for us exclusively because they conned us into believing they were. Basically, Narcissist’s are pathological TAKERS. Our life lessons never included learning that loving another person should come along with a ‘WARNING’ that there are dark people (abusers/predators) out there looking for someone to drag into a trap by wearing love as a camouflage to gain our trust and then extort our emotions and everything that encompasses our reality to the point of destruction.

The truth is a Narcissist could easily be defined as being a thief of hearts, mind, and life. Trust me they are much more than JUST a thief but it encapsulates the truth behind their actions and agendas. They extort things from people and life just like a con artist does. They portray or pretend to be something they are not even remotely like, and then cash in on their manipulative agenda to TAKE everything they can and abuse you as well. My point is that a thief will break into your home and steal everything they can and they are off and running, and you are left with the loss and devastation of their invasion. A Narcissist would go a step further and burn your house down while you were still in it to make sure there is absolutely NO evidence that would link them to it. Everything with a Narcissists is a conscious act that is there to serve THEM! We HAVE to understand this so we can move totally away from their psychopathy and forgive ourselves for only being a normal and loving person because that is ALL we are guilty of!

Take a moment and look at yourself after your abuse and then compare that to when you started out on this hideous journey with them. If you would seriously take inventory you would see so many levels of loss, to the point that this Narcissist has basically disabled you emotionally and PSYCHOLOGICALLY and this was part of their agenda or dismantling your reality so they could CONTROL you. Write everything down in a journal and make the comparison and spell it out so that you can see it right there in front of you. Whatever you attempted to do in a positive manner because you BELIEVED in them was snatched up by the Narcissist and then they beat you down and made what you did wrong AND you only tried harder because there was no sense in their actions but somehow you believed that you did something wrong that needed fixed. This became a deceptive and debilitating dance with them, part of their plan to manage you down more and more so you felt that you HAD to keep giving and they just kept taking what they could or reaping all the benefits and never caring about the harm they were causing to you and your life. They are the disordered and defective person in this scenario and again YOU are the normal person with empathy and love and YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! These are not just jerks or users, these are destructive and disordered individuals that enjoy the chaos and harm they deliver as they extort your life away from you. That Narcissist (just like the thief) has pillaged and taken everything they could, or all you had to give and then basically abandoned you for more and different supply! They NEVER identified themselves as the abusers they are so they had to con you into believing they LOVED you to get you under their spell to do all of this! They are not powerful, they are not intelligent, they are not normal – they are sadistic!

You can’t engage in a real conversation with them that has the truth (about them OR anything) as the basis concerning their reality or accountability in any given situations. A Narcissist doesn’t have a conscience or anything even near to it, so you can’t expect to have any sense of normality surrounding ANY conversation or connection with them, yet alone the possibility you could make them understand the very truth about any of their disordered actions and lies. There is NO sense of remorse or any guilt associated with any of their actions and THERE NEVER HAS BEEN because what they do to ALL people is really the functioning mechanics of who and what they really are! So what I can say is that you can’t enter into any arena that involves TRYING to get them to be real OR accept accountability for what they are because they turn it right around, ‘lie and deny,’ ‘blame and shame,’ and then return with a horrible rage and revenge directed at YOUR integrity. This became a day to day occurrence with me just trying to exist as an individual. I couldn’t even breathe right without some sort of rage that was so out-of-control that it became scary. So a good reminder to anyone dealing with a Narcissist is that there is NO possible way that you can make them understand or accept responsibility concerning their dehumanization of people – especially when it concerns you. What you see now (with their mask off) is what you get or an abusive Narcissist.

Unfortunately, as I have said many times before, hindsight is 20/20. When you are still in the fog about all of the deceit you are at a loss because you can’t see or understand the overall picture of this abuse and just how damaging they are until AFTER they have moved on. Unfortunately, after the discard you are still under so many levels of this abuse so it is amazing that you can even see the light of day, yet alone realize what you need to do to get away from them without all of the damage they cause. But what I can say is that ‘no contact’ will save you from a great deal of grief and help you get to more clarity as it concerns your situation so you can move forward to recovery – but it requires time so that clarity comes back to you!

No contact literally saves your life and enables you to move onto clarity (and the truth) as far as it concerns your emotions AND their abusive manner that was meant to destroy you. No contact literally stops the chaos to give you the ability to think and relate to life in a normal manner or better yet start to get your normal back. No contact is not meant to be a simple phrase as if someone is telling you to “just move on,” it is a reality meant to stop the insanity or you will end up completely debilitated and destroyed. My unfortunate response to those that have to stay in contact is that any minimum contact is your only hope. If you have biological children or they are family, you HAVE to disengage from ANY emotional connection with them. In other words, you have to put up a wall that only allows you to establish parameters around important matters, and shut off anything else. Easier said than done because the Narcissist means business when it comes to getting back at you especially if they suspect that you are on to them. Mine kept up the abuse for 8 months after all was said and done and it only ended when I enforced the no contact rule and THAT is what allowed me to get to my recovery.

My next suggestion is to try your hardest to seek support from a very select group of friends and loved ones that YOU CAN ultimately trust. Unfortunately, we are ‘damned if we do or damned if we don’t’ respond to the many negative allegations that this Narcissist has waged against us and that can also be some of those closet people in our lives. The Narcissist will distort everything using familiarity (from knowing our innermost secrets) with vicious lies about you to protect themselves from exposure and instill fear into us. Once a Narcissist sees that you have caught onto them they will focus on destroying you and even creating horrendous lies that put you in a very precarious position. They will stop at nothing to prove that you are the source of the collapse of this relationship, a liar, loser, abusive, the person having affairs, etc., and basically the person who deserves all the blame. They can and will slander your good name and integrity. Along the same lines trying to explain your side of the story to people will make you seem crazy because our stories are incredulous! You will only feel invalidated and frustrated trying to tell the truth over and over again and hearing those dismissing comments to just move on because time heals all! You need tried and true friends to accomplish a secure and trusted support network and don’t worry about the rest of the naysayers that don’t believe you because they are not true friends and more than likely minions for the Narcissist. Your best bet is to find and connect with other survivors, a therapist that understands this abuse THROUGH a target/victim’s eyes, and group therapy if one exists in your area. Invest in yourself to get the help that is out there so you CAN and WILL move on and away from them forever!

When this abuse reaches the point that you have been abandoned or ‘you’ have left this Narcissist the truth will be very disabling and will tear at the very core of your spirit or being. Again, add to this that the Narcissist is well aware that you may retaliate, so he/she has been planning their departure many months prior to it happening and they have been doing that damage control by secretly devaluing you to most anyone that will listen! You are overloaded with emotions, and all of the lies that were spread about you by the Narcissist and it is too overwhelming and DEBILITATING! EVENTUALLY the truth will always come out, but you can’t force awareness of that truth until it happens and people will see the true pattern AND then it will work against the Narcissist. Liars have to have great memories to keep their lies straight and Narcissists always operate in a hit and run manner and get caught up in their distorted stories and they can never keep all of their lies straight – mine most certainly couldn’t! I wish I could say that you can speak openly with the truth as you know it and that will fix all of this immediately, BUT it doesn’t work that way. You have to concentrate on your recovery first and let the rest fall in place – YOU ARE FIRST in this equation so please remember this as you start out. Once you are healthy you can speak with the very truth of your abuse in mind where it is necessary.

Because Narcissists do not come with a label that exposes what they are and their agenda, you are more than likely just coming to terms with all of this recently. Our emotions are powerful and even though we have been abused we have to reconcile our very own emotions to fall out of love with them. This is where the educational aspect of learning about this personality disorder is imperative to moving forward. Closure comes from learning the truth through educating yourself about this disorder. With me I stumbled upon the information and the pieces seemed to fit together like a puzzle. From there I also stumbled upon different healing sites that offered viable AND valuable information that gave me the big ‘ah ha’ moment that what I experienced was actually abuse from a malignant Narcissist. I went through the paces of doubting myself and kept in contact with this Narcissist for 8 months after the fact. Mind you I didn’t initiate all of this contact. This Narcissist was luring me into post abuse, trying to set me up and into their big smear campaign, using any and every conversation to gain information and use against me. This shrewd creature was manipulating my words to meet certain criteria and an agenda that would make me out as being obsessed and scorned – I was NEITHER because I was repulsed and moving on.

Just remember what they are and that they ARE dangerous! Always take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. They are running from their reality every day of their life, so never believe that they are better off. They are abusers and they destroy people and families and they will never know real love for all of eternity. Just think back to your time with them and their unyielding deception, lies, manipulation, betrayal and extorting everything they could from your life. You were never the reason the Narcissist acted like he/she did. You were a target of their abuse and so will ANYBODY else that ever has any sort of relationship with them. You were the healthy person that knows and understands what love is. You were the person that cared, believed and tried to grow with this person in a healthy manner. So again, never look back because they will only drag you into their dark world and abuse you even more. There is absolutely nothing you could possibly do to ever change them.

Today I see the truth so clearly and write about it with the hopes to arm other targets/victims with the education and knowledge so that they don’t stumble and fall backwards as I did so many times. Please no/minimal contact to start on your journey to get away from this abuse. Greg

You are Worthless, you have Issues, you are the source of EVERY problem! CONTROL is power to the Narcissist! REMEMBER the person that is behind these words is personality disordered and abusive.

You are Worthless, you have Issues, you are the source of EVERY problem! CONTROL is power to the Narcissist! REMEMBER the person that is behind these words is personality disordered and abusive.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

One of the most obvious signs of malignant narcissism is the way they constantly malign others. Narcissists manipulate in a manner to control their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to EVERYTHING! They are constantly remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider that ANY relationship or love should never hurt a person nor take them down a road of emotional and psychological destruction. Ultimately care or love can make us sad when we lose someone special but that is the reality of unconditional love when someone near to us is suffering, or we lose them completely – and that is more or less grieving a REAL connection between two normally functioning people.

Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist is emotional and psychological abuse MEANT to intentionally harm and damage a target/victim that the Narcissist has chosen as their prey – it by no means is anything near a conventional and loving relationship. Real love grows and doesn’t diminish another person’s spirit. Always remember that the love that you felt for this person was as much a part of the psychological abuse (love bombing) as was the devaluation stage. This was all the tools of the Narcissists trade – brainwashing, extreme manipulation, gas-lighting, pathological lying, hideous betrayal, many sexual partners, etc., or the cycle of abuse with a Malignant Narcissist.

In my situation, every very day was just a new day and new lies. Every day was just a little bit more managing down to take one more piece of my life away. Every day was just one more day to backstab me and smear my integrity to the very people I loved in my life. Every day were more incredulous stories to make me believe. Every day was a cover up story to hide this Narcissist’s perverted life of lies. Every day was one more day that this Narcissist used to ultimately destroy me because this Narcissist knew I would stop believing in them because my (and your) individuality will always come into the reality and set us free. A narcissist is a dictator that demands complete control over their world and people.

When I look back at the time I spent with my Narcissist it is so clear to me that all of this manipulation and the pathological lies were the only aspect about this Narcissist that was real. I was embarrassed to see how I believed all of the outlandish lies and stories but like everyone else here I was brain-washed and managed down BUT I want to believe that I am a strong person. What does that say – Narcissists are experts at their mind games AND our love blinded us many times and FAILED us too! Was I just that desperate and needy? No the Narcissist is just that desperate and needy and they will do WHATEVR they can to employ their manipulative and destructive actions to brain-wash a person even if it destroys the very person they use! I pity my Narcissist’s new target(s) that is out there dancing like such a fool to the music this Narcissist plays. They are only blinded by the lies and love-bombing, but that inner voice is talking to them and telling them something isn’t quite right there – their actions speak louder than words.

They EXPLOIT your precious human emotions to make themselves seem human. They use this information to establish a strong foundation to create what seems like an intimate and healthy relationship. And again as to the ‘why’ because they are biologically the same as you and I and they NEED the same things that you and I need like air, food, water, human bonding, sexual attention, money and everything else but they are not a fully functioning human being. Put that shark next to you (with its mouth wired shut) and it still couldn’t successfully fit into any aspect of your life and achieve even one these needs and survive in our world BECAUSE it is a terrifying and hungry predator. The shrewd Narcissist just cleverly disguises themselves by fitting in and becoming the best little boys or girls in the world! Just a quick note and some of my bad humor, Narcissists should also have their mouths wired shut because their words are poisonous, and they are just as destructive and deadly as that sharks teeth! Communication is their tool to manipulating, controlling and extorting their prey.

REMEMBER THIS TOO – This abuse is NOT limited to ‘love’ relationships only. Narcissists can be family members like a mother/father, brother/sister, boss/co-worker, friend/relative or anyone for that matter. Targets/victims are often victimized by more than one person as well because they have only learned or known this dehumanizing abuse all of their lives. They internalize that something is wrong with them and that they deserve this kind of abuse, and then resign themselves to their fate. Targets/victims may not reach their potential in their personal or professional lives because they always have to stand in the shadow of their abuser(s) – and that is all they have ever known in the case of Narcissistic parents. They learn to live in the shadows without knowing why – and that why is the debasing control from abuse at the hands of a Narcissist

Hindsight unfortunately is 20/20 as they say, so you have to experience their deception and abuse to understand exactly what I just said. It is definitely not something anyone should experience because the destruction reaches the very core of your heart, soul and mind.

We have to remember and ACTUALIZE this truth about their mechanics just like we understand the predatory shark. If you think back to the Narcissist’s behaviors, charm, and unrequited love they professed, something was not quite right. We couldn’t put our finger on it, but we knew something was off and WRONG. Their performance was always overly exaggerated or just plain flat, but it was never just quite right. BUT you always responded by caring and loving them more and they returned it with more abuse – that is subjugation, dehumanization and torture when all is said and done.

Chart a course through new oceans – and yes there will be these nasty sharks still swimming all around us, but you will learn how to navigate through the treacherous waters with new boundaries, but your goal is to find your way back to safe land and get your feet firmly placed back into a real life by moving away from their control. This can only be accomplished through breaking the spell (that love) and denying its existence every single time it sends you a twinge to want it back. What you will always get back is more abuse and lost time. You have the ability to change but you must overcome every single thought that will return you to that bad place where you think this love was real, it wasn’t it was ABUSE. There is real love out there and you have the ability to find it again because you are strong and awesome and you are here today to prove it.

The answer is complete awareness or accepting the truth we know. Next educating ourselves about this pathological Narcissist that depends on us believing their big lie to gain our trust that opens the doors for them to extort our world. Slam that door shut and lock it forever. No/minimal contact is the ONLY way out. Greg

They are the MASTER manipulators in this world! NARCISSISTS – what they APPEAR to be and what they really are – DANGEROUS AND DESTRUCTIVE TO ALL PEOPLE!

They are the MASTER manipulators in this world! NARCISSISTS – what they APPEAR to be and what they really are – DANGEROUS AND DESTRUCTIVE TO ALL PEOPLE!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

When most people think of a Narcissist, they picture someone obsessed with themselves, mostly their physical appearance as they gaze upon their image in a mirror with COMPLETE admiration of their own beauty. If that were only the truth, there would be many people in this world that wouldn’t have lost so much at the hands and the destructive mouth of a Narcissist. Most people have never heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a real condition certifiable through every psychological journal that is written out there. The Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) is the handbook for mental health professionals and outlines this specific disorder. Who reads those journals if you are not in the field, so most had to learn the hard way by being abused by one.

Narcissists are very elusive creatures, so you won’t find them in a therapist’s office embarking on a journey of introspection to get counseling for their personality disorder OR their abusive behaviors toward others. When I was in therapy I asked my therapist if they have ever treated a Narcissist AND the answer was a resounding ‘NO.’ A Narcissist will never enter into therapy because they are convinced they don’t have a problem – they may go to counseling for appearance sake only or to abuse medications. How unfortunate for those of us that have endured their manipulative and disabling abuse because they leave behind a high body count of targets/victims. It is the victims that are the ones seeking real therapy and how surreal is that!

ANY type of relationship with a Narcissist will leave a person doubting their own sanity after they have been conned in by them. The target/victim, and there is always a target/ victim, is left in total shock, with their jaw dropping to the floor, shaking their head and wondering, “What has happened?”

Then, try talking about your experiences with a Narcissist or describe the abuse to friends, family, a loved one or even a stranger. If you try to explain the disorder through YOUR personal experiences, people will look at you like you have three heads on your shoulders and none of them are talking or making any sense.

It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism too) HAVEN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who just don’t have any closeness or role in their life to see reality of who and what they are in private. Once you get emotionally close to a Narcissist, THEN AND ONLY THEN do you get to see them drop their carefully crafted and charming mask that hides the out-of-control and abusive creature hiding behind it AND that is after they have TOTALLY fooled and conned you and then it is too late because the damage is already done.

A Narcissist is so seductive that he/she makes you believe in him/her with your whole heart, mind and soul. Unfortunately for all who tread on this emotional rollercoaster with a Narcissist they don’t realize just how dangerous this connection with them is. The charm a Narcissist utilizes creates an oblivious feeling of being connected or very attracted to most everything about them. We can become fascinated with someone because of their physical beauty BUT a charming and captivating Narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks, definitely, can increase the magnetic pull towards the narcissist, but that is not at the core of this abuse, it is the manufactured charm that is a psychologically and deceptive tool used to manipulate, condition, manage you down and control you.

They charm people to death (figuratively) and this is what literally attracts us to them. But with a Narcissist it is a magnetism that makes you feel a sort of hypnotizing attraction that manifests itself in your psyche and your soul! In reality you are being charmed by their power of REFLECTING back everything that is YOU creating this intoxicating and deep rooted bond. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you’ve known them a long time, soul mates, or you feel very safe with them – perhaps you have known them in a prior life or whatever fantasy belief that Narcissist has instilled in your mind.

This is the Narcissists goal and they are the biggest con artists that exist and they mean to extort everything they can from you. They have unlocked the door to your head and they are planning on using that entry to their advantage. They will move right in manipulate and manage down most everything that is your reality as you KNEW it. A skilled and extreme Narcissist knows just how to reflect your image right back onto you so that you feel like you are almost twins. What’s not to like and trust when you have EVERYTHING in common?

A Narcissist creatively figures out some unique and impressive angle quickly, and one that few people would ever engage in. Basically, they are manipulating your emotions. Narcissists can typically outsmart almost everybody. They are always ten steps ahead of you, so much so that it is uncanny. They are very QUICK with these unique approaches and “BAM” they have swept you off of your feet and keep you there. What else is there to do but bask in the glow of this unique relationship! You are undeniably intrigued by everything about them. When your relationship sours because the ugly truth rears itself with a Narcissist, you better duck for cover and be ready for a whole lot of damage control. They are truthfully characters that are akin to Dr. Jekyll/Mr. or Ms. Hyde – or in other words there is a facade that hides a calculating and dangerous monster beneath a very thin veneer of lies and appearances with an agenda to take what they can from your life.

Again, they are ten steps ahead of you and have already thought through how you will react and are ready to discredit, disable, and destroy you when they need to. You can trust that they are determined to humiliate and obliterate you to avoid exposure of the truth that they are abusive predators. More than likely they have already started another relationship well before they ended the relationship with you. It is always new supply and they will keep up this abusive cycle all throughout their lives.

A skillful Narcissist can tell anybody and everybody a great story just like reciting a well-known fairy tale because they are some of the greatest storytellers. They can weave fictional tales and lies into a complex story about themselves. They mesmerize you with amazing facts, statistics, trivia, history of events, to the point that you feel overwhelmed and just amazed at their acuity and accuracy. They are always the center of these stories, often re-writing their personal history, and lying to embellish the stories. One thing you can say is that they are hardly boring with their accounts of their amazing world and life unfortunately NONE of it is real and it is concocted to seduce you into their life.

They can incessantly talk and talk about most anything without skipping a beat with their interesting information. They are human chameleons that study human nature, but with a goal to further their power by enhancing their stature and to influence the people around them to get what they crave – supply. Undoubtedly, they exaggerate their every claim and position in their life. They are addicted to this omnipotence and we are what they need to use as a mirror to see this amazing reflection of themselves. Unfortunately, what they do in the darkness without a care to the people that love them is also part of the equation because the darkness within always finds its way out. So that charade and their ability to tell an amazing story is really there to cover up their out-of-control and abusive lifestyle so they can fit it by making themselves out like they are above and beyond the ordinary and someone we would LOVE to know.

They lie to weasel their way in and out of any situation and come up smelling like a rose. They are pathological liars in every sense of the word and hide their hideous and perverted life. This is the sad reality of a human connection with them and keep that connection going and the reality turns personally disastrous and destructive as the truth becomes evident that they are not fully functioning human beings and they will take your life down with them.

Narcissists work extremely hard at making themselves believable as it concerns their overt lies and myths about themselves. They arm themselves with a vast array of learned information they have harvested through their observations of other humans. They acquire and then wear, personalize or enhance this information as if it is truly theirs. So, what is the goal with all of this? To snag you into his/her Narcissistic lair to make you supply them with the things they need and can’t get because they are a dark and manipulative personality that envies life, love and people. Unfortunately for those that fall prey to a relationship with them, they exploit one of the greatest emotions to manipulate you into a special place right alongside them and that is love and they LOVE you!

One word you will hear as it concerns a Narcissist is that they always appear magnanimous. All that really means is that they have to appear to be the better person that always takes that higher road of being “better’ than you by forgiving YOUR many mistakes and believe me they are judging everything you do and finding fault. They have many rules, regulations and laws that they make everybody ABIDE by, but they NEVER honor these same rules, laws or regulations which make them pathological hypocrites. The reality is they blame and shame you for things they constantly do behind your back. Well really this is projection and they are dumping their shame and blame onto and into you. They will also use their magnanimousness later to trash and destroy you. You MUST look up to a Narcissist so they can look down on you!

It is ABSOLUTELY amazing how a Narcissist can cover their tracks to hide what can only be described as their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle to most of the world. Remember they are not doing this just to be the amazing actors that they are. These are deceptive and abusive personalities that need this disguise to extort people and life using whatever instrument of abuse they can to achieve their agenda – the best words here are that they are cunning, manipulative, and harmful to any person that has any connection with them.

They create many theatric roles to cover every possible range in life to get supply. My point here is that they can also be highly “respectable individuals” in any facet of life like a therapist, judge, law enforcement personnel, a doctor, preacher, or just about anything. They will most assuredly use any power and authority they may have to create intimidation, distance, admiration, respect and even abuse. They are everywhere because their ‘false mask and persona’ is what we see first and not the personality disorder.

It is still operative abuse and they are very aware of what they do and will lie to protect themselves. Awareness is a big coefficient here and that shouts out the very truth that they have the ability to understand that what they do is horrendous and wrong, BUT yet they will not change or admit to their disorder because is serves them. They are in huge denial and will just write you off with many lies and destroy your integrity and hijack your spirit. More than often when they discover that you are on to them, they abandon you and disappear. They do this if they perceive that you can blow their cover and expose them as the abusive creature they are. Being fully exposed to the world is the greatest fear in their lives but the best medicine and cure is to remove and keep them away from ANY part of your life. No/minimal contact. Greg

Malignant Narcissism isn’t about an everyday variety of selfishness or just dealing with a jerk, but better described as a pathological and all-consuming selfishness that interprets into emotional abuse with ANY person they have ANY type of relationship with.

Malignant Narcissism isn’t about an everyday variety of selfishness or just dealing with a jerk, but better described as a pathological and all-consuming selfishness that interprets into emotional abuse with ANY person they have ANY type of relationship with.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

This abuse is NOT limited to ‘love’ relationships only. Narcissists can be family members like a mother/father, brother/sister, boss/co-worker, friend/relative or anyone for that matter. Emotionally abused targets/victims are often victimized by more than one person as well because they have only learned or known this dehumanizing abuse all of their lives. They internalize that something is wrong with them and that they deserve this kind of abuse, and then resign themselves to their fate. Targets/victims may not reach their potential in their personal or professional lives because they always have to stand in the shadow of their abuser(s) – and that is all they have ever known in the case of Narcissistic parents. They learn to live in the shadows without knowing why – and that why is the debasing control from abuse at the hands of a Narcissist.

Victims of Narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something. Their confidence becomes so low that they have trouble making simple decisions, questioning and re-questioning things. This is a result from the emotional/psychological abuse used by Narcissists to instill confusion and anxiety in their victim to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. This is skillfully guided by the Narcissist and it clouds reality with leading statements like “I never said that”, “You are crazy”, or “you are imagining things.” The Narcissist will even step up the game by reinforcing these statements by backing them up with statements from friends, co-workers, or relatives that agree and ARE very concerned.

Narcissists think they have a right to abuse and punish you just for being who you are and that would be a “normal” functioning and LOVING human being. Narcissists get what they want from life and people through bullying, intimidating, extorting, abusing and manipulating everything they can from people. They just have a natural propensity for a loathsome and negative attitude towards other people because they are VERY insecure and envy people and life and their response is to take goodness away and create the same misery and chaos that rules them and extort people. They have no problem seeking us out and extorting our lives and THEN creating horrendous lies – it makes them feel superior to get away with such travesty. Let’s also not forget the denial concerning the betrayal and manipulation they used to gain our trust, abuse our empathy and make us believe they loved us in a manner to create a relationship as well as a future. This was there way of opening the door to our hearts and minds to ABUSE us and they are/were very aware of all of their actions. Again, cause and effect!

The Narcissist abuses or attacks as part of their agenda and he/she attacks any and all prey they can. They trap their prey just like a predator to create an unfair advantage over them and then with the “agenda” of achieving supply they devour what they can from us – they never pick a fair fight – IT IS ALL SMOKE AND MIRRORS. They are bullies, period that use lies and manipulation while hiding in the shadows to avoid being exposed by the light of the truth! REMEMBER THIS – they are able to control themselves in public, but they abuse behind closed doors when nobody but their target is present. That is a huge indicator that a Narcissist is VERY aware of their actions and keeps their abusive ‘self’ well hidden. So the process is cognitive or the Narcissist is ‘thinking’ about what they are doing based on consequences, to protect themselves from exposure. They know what they do is considered horrendous and dehumanizing to the people they attack – so they cleverly create a very positive and fake ‘Narcissist mask’ in public that makes them out to be the next best thing to a saint, and they blame and shame the rest of the world for their sins. They are rationally thinking about their abusive actions and know if they are ever exposed they would be considered DANGEROUS or even criminals. SMOKE and MIRRORS a cognitive process that is really cause and effect. The MASK that covers the truth!

They create scenarios to discover your weakness or fears and store them away to manipulate you later. They don’t use language as communication, it is for hiding, deflecting, avoiding, masking, & manipulating because their charm is completely false. They take pride in their own righteousness and rightness. They attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They NEVER believe they make mistakes even when they proof is right there in front of them. They have an innate inability to feel, process or truly understand shame from the negative and hurtful things they do to others – they can only blame and apply fault to everybody else. Contradict them a few times and you will feel their out of control narcissistic rage.

Their conversations and interactions aren’t meant to enlighten, but to confuse, intimidate, control, and consistently create drama. They are a huge VOID, working to get whatever they can from you – basically they extort life and lives. They expect you to lend a listening ear and give them complete approval. They use emotional withdraw and silencing to create guilt, compliance and control. They will betray personal information and secrets to feel more powerful. They will manipulate and use flattery or protests of their innocence (crying, pleading, and begging) like a stealth weapon to achieve their agenda and get their way. They will use verbal skills to block or deflect accountability for their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle and sift blame onto YOU. They impact lives negatively but miraculously escape exposure even appearing to have some positive effect and you end up the negative aspect of the relationship with them.

OK – YOU CAN BEAT THIS! You have the ability to unlearn what the Narcissist has conditioned you into believing about yourself. That old saying “A horse can be led to water but they can’t be made to drink it” – well lets change that a little bit and say “A horse can be led to water and taste it, drink it and swallow it – BUT it can stop drinking it, walk completely away from it and not only find a better watering hole BUT greener pastures and other fully functioning horses.” You have to do this so that you aren’t stuck in a fog of lies that will only guide your life in a negative and destructive direction. What the Narcissist has internalized in you can be EXTERNALIZED. Move yourself away from any level of this abuse by knowing that you and only you can change and find normality and the reality of a better life. Say no to the Narcissist, say no to the messages in your head that say you are not worthy, SAY NO TO THE ABUSE. Those negative words and debasing actions are only a curse/spell that the Narcissist casts out on the world and it can’t stick if the Narcissist doesn’t have you under his/her spell. Once you have the education that enables you to see the very truth about this abusive Narcissist, you can remove yourself and break the spell. You have the power to govern your own will and what you will do with your life. You have to take all of that power AWAY from the Narcissist and give it back to yourself. Yes of course no-contact – but when you must have minimal contact use the truth to really see the evil that is standing in front of you and disengage in your mind from any thought, words or actions they send your way because they are like bullets from a gun and meant to harm!
Greg

Lets take a closer look at the omnipotent and amazing Wizard of blah, blah, blah or a Narcissist!

Lets take a closer look at the omnipotent and amazing Wizard of blah, blah, blah or a Narcissist!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist

I want to describe some of the quirky actions and abusive behavior a functioning Narcissist puts into motion in their immediate environment to divide and conquer or basically control people – let’s also call these ‘RED FLAGS!’ SO really just a little extra insight about some of the typical ways a Narcissist maintains their ‘center of the universe’ agenda or omnipotence. How they ‘operate’ as well as some of their manipulative reactions to distort our reality through blaming, shaming, drama, invalidating, making fun of your insecurities, and sharing secrets with others to triangulate and make you out to be the biggest piece of ‘poo’ in the world to build themselves up. This is all categorized as their manipulative chaos, crazy making, manipulation or how they take us ‘From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between!’

Narcissists will fake or imitate empathy, sincerity, caring, and honor under the guise of good intentions with an agenda to GET SOMETHING from you or anybody – they pretend to be the best little boys and girls in the world.

They blame and blame some more, and then blame again, NEVER taking personal responsibility for anything they do wrong which is most everything because their needs and desires can basically be described as out-of-control and they do NOT care who they harm in the process of getting what they want! Their needs trump everything else!

They are extremely HIGH maintenance creatures because they need your constant attention, praise, adulation, and deference to all of their whims, fancies and needs without a single consideration to any of your needs. Deprive them of something they want and look out as they reveal their true destructive nature through raging, put downs, and attacks!

They COMPLETELY lack all empathy so they just don’t care who they harm, use, or abuse! It doesn’t matter if it is you, me, their mother/father, brother/sister, biological children, friends, senior citizens, husband/wife, the pastor/priest, law enforcement officials, and judges – get the point they will psychologically ABUSE everybody to GET THEIR WAY or what they want!

They may put on a great show, even smile, hug you, OR even ask how you are, but seriously they are not interested about you as a living and breathing person, yet alone an individual that shares this planet with them – you are only supply and they WANT something! Think of them as a trained parrot saying “Pauley wants a cracker” but with them it is more aptly described as “Narcissist wants some supply.” There is no meaning behind the words with Pauley (the parrot) or the Narcissist (soulless critter) – it is just a learned behavior to get something they want.

If you ever dare point out one of their many flaws or an error they made, they will strike out at you in a poisonous and defensive mode like a venomous snake. They will counter any notion with anger, venting, rage, silencing, ignoring you with a cold shoulder, or abandon you as DUE punishment. Their attitude could be described as ‘how dare you attack any aspect of my perfection!’

They will create some amazing and exciting plans, but rarely will make them happen. They want you to anticipate their generosity but they will never offer anything more than the empty words. It is all ‘make believe’ or better yet manipulating you to believe and keep you connected to that false belief that someday they WILL come through with ANY of their promises Basically it is a ploy to make you believe they are giving and caring. Ask them about those non-existent plans and they will turn it around on you saying you just never seemed interested, or they never said this or that, etc.

They will create some form of chaos to upset you and then shift the blame onto you to purposely make you feel defensive – THEN they will belittle and devalue you for being defensive, saying you are ‘an angry person’ or over-reacting by taking everything so personally. Since they do this so seamlessly they always keep you in a place of insecurity and confused or walking on those eggshells. They totally invalidate your ability to have any opinion as far as it concerns their words AND actions! They always keep you frozen in place to deflect the truth of what they are AND they will keep you there forever trying to only please them until you stop believing and then they will just find a new replacement.

They will help you out in some manner but make you feel indebted for the little thing they have done AND they will keep reminding you of it! It invalidates the bigger picture of all that YOU have done for them.

They are psychotic story tellers, blowhards, braggers, brow-beaters, psycho-bullies, arrogant, big-headed, and everything they say is one enormous lie.

Whatever they may do to help you out, they will make you feel beholden to them FOREVER. But they are never appreciative or even acknowledge any help you give – they will even find some way to negate whatever you do for them.

They are extremely skilled at making and distorting your reality with their words, actions and manipulations basically conditioning you to crave their constant approval or become dependent on them and CONSTANTLY HAVING TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

They build you up then knock you down. They will make you feel loved and very special, then they emotionally distance themselves from you to keep you unsure of the relationship and your reality.

They are a mishmash of behaviors and actions that they have harvested from different people they met at different times in their life. All of their ideas or ways of behaving in any given situation are stolen from others – maybe people they know or perhaps think of as an authority or special. They will morph into these qualities like an actor memorizing their role in a play or a movie because they do not have their own ‘normal’ reality.

They push your buttons like an elevator, with constant ‘ups and downs’ to keep you off-balance blameworthy OR the very opposite of this with positive compliments to lock you back up into the cycle of abuse.

They groom you with subtle to extreme manipulation with a combination of charm and rage (harm) to keep you controlled.

Their sense of omnipotence and self-importance (extreme neediness) means that they will manage down the conversations of others and bring it back onto themselves. Whatever you were discussing that may have been personal and important always turns around into a subject that concerns THEM and your words are lost forever and diminished.

They are PATHOLOGICAL liars, using all forms of lies to deceive. To quote a friend of mine, ‘If they are breathing, they are lying!’

They treat people as servants and expect them to do mundane things or always pay their way, since they feel so deserving and too important to do them. They manage people down to be more of a servant to them without a voice.

They constantly use “I”, “me,” and “my” when they talk because they are the most important thing in the world – it is ALWAYS about them. To go a step in the same direction, it is always “me, myself, and I” and never ever “we” unless they need something so they manipulate you once more to believe in the “we.”

You will very rarely if ever hear them talk about their innermost thoughts, life, memories, or dreams, because there are none that are real and personal to them. They just LIE and make up situations to create a false image of their extreme goodness and amazing life. For example – they will pose in a picture with their biological children as if they are such a real participant in their world when they just happened to be in a situation where their spouse did ALL of the work and the Narcissist poses for the photo opportunity but did NOTHING real to support the spouse’s efforts in raising them.

They remain at a childlike level of maturity where there is never any growth – there is no operable maturity in their thinking and they ACT like a spoiled 3-year-old.

They express fake empathy, and use it as a tool that they con unsuspecting targets into their lair of darkness. They preach at that pulpit of respectability and morality where there is NONE in reality.

They only “give to get” by being nice or helpful expecting reciprocation. Always an agenda to get or take something as supply.

They present themselves as “having it all together or being on top of the world” never showing or divulging their many failures, weaknesses AND true darkness!

They shift to a defensive mode and/or rage very frequently when they feel threatened or are made accountable for their deceptive manner. This is a HUGE control mechanism to keep you in a subservient place or role in their lives or fearful of their retribution!

They apologize, but it is ALWAYS shallow and never means there will be a real change in the bad behavior they were called on, it just means they are reeling you back to abuse you more for supply and keep you hanging on ONCE MORE!

They deflect or run from their own problems rather than addressing them responsibly AND just blame someone else in the world. It is always YOUR fault that they did what they did!

They will demand your trust rather than earning it – and they will never be transparent enough for you to see any of their real qualities only the fake ones they create to shore up their ‘good’ image. They KNOW that they aren’t real enough to trust, so they always deflect to hide what they really are.

They see you as an extension of themselves, an object to use, you are never an individual and they will resist your every attempt at freedom from being their source of supply.

They re-write history, create incredulous and false stories, euphemisms, make up their own rules and laws but obey none. Their truth is completely FALSE!

They always talk about themselves to stay in control – our role is that of an entity like a mirror where they can stroke their ego through the false image they reflect onto us!

They find all of your weaknesses and exploit them to make you feel vulnerable AND they will use them against you by always pointing them out.

They honor NO personal boundaries and rarely listen or respect your “No.”

They will easily take advantage of others to reach their own goals without giving their actions a second thought. There is absolutely NO empathy or a single care in their world.

They will take or steal whatever they want from you or anybody. What is yours is theirs (without asking!)

Their façade is to always appear to be tough-minded, unyielding and unemotional to remain in control of others. But they will react to criticism with anger, blame-shifting, shaming or humiliating others to maintain their façade.

They fail to recognize people as individuals and consequently demean, devalue and dehumanize everybody that enters their lair of deceit. Their actions are dehumanizing and sadistic.

They are very aggressive, hostile, verbally vicious, MEAN, and will punish anybody that wounds their delicate ego. They will divert to their defensive mode and will rip you apart with their rage and disgusting mouth. They think nothing of physically making fun of somebody to empower themselves and this makes them feel like they are in control.

They will vocalize regret for their actions but it is for ‘show’ and only for a short period of time. They will soon rationalize it away with blame, shame, projection and basically dumping it all down our throat as being the problem and not them.

In some cases, they present themselves as ALWAYS being the sexiest, best looking and they will tell you how this person and that one checked them out and ‘wanted’ them. Their appearance is important, so primping in every mirror, and fastidiousness is common ground for them.

They talk in such inappropriate ways and believe that they are above reproach and we actually want to hear their perverse words or listen to their descriptive dialogue about their out-of-control lifestyle.

They will rationalize everything to make sure they always come out on top by negating praise that is appropriated to someone else.

They will steal your idea, your plan, your wisdom and EVEN your life and make it their own. They will fake their credentials, re-write history, name drop, lie on their resume or about their credentials – anything to get what they want without earning it the correct way.

They can create destructive chaos in any organization or business environment and cause dissention among the people that work there. This includes volunteer situations, church organization or virtually any group setting that they join.

This is a PARTIAL list of how a Narcissist puts their ‘crazy making’ into an operative agenda in every situation they can. An important point is that their abuse is never confined to just relationships they abuse every person and or situation that they are a participant in. Think about those toxic people around you that you just know will create some sort of reactionary situation EVERY time they are around be it at a family gathering, work, church or anywhere. It seems that there is always trouble where this particular person is at OR they always seem to put wedges in between people. Their abuse is all too familiar to their families, biological children, friendships, co-workers, and organizations they are involved in. Unfortunately, the closer you are to them the more apparent their abuse becomes. They charm their way into everybody’s lives and ALWAYS harm them. I coined the phrase from “charm to harm” because it describes the reality of Any RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. Allowing a Narcissist into your life is a train wreck waiting to happen. You must avoid them like the plague because their crazy making is really psychological abuse that severely damages people, their careers, and their whole life. No/minimal contact is the only anecdote to their destruction and poison! You CAN’T allow them into any aspect of your life! Lock them out of your heart and mind! Greg

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