Author Archives: ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissists intentionally create chaos to debase people – everything with them is a VERBAL COMPETITION with the intent to control, divert, diminish, devalue, and destroy!

Narcissists intentionally create chaos to debase people – everything with them is a VERBAL COMPETITION with the intent to control, divert, diminish, devalue, and destroy!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Communication with a Narcissist is just dangerous. A Narcissist will crush any attempts from the target/victim to make sense of their agenda and keep the target CONSTANTLY confused and walking on those eggshells or off balance or basically always being in control. Once they win us over with their charm and HAVING so much in common with us THEN we will start to see the many roads they take to manipulate us, extort us, lie, dehumanize us, deflect to avoid accountability, and everything else to support their big lie. That is the natural course with a Narcissist or what we call the devaluation stage. EVERYONE will be devalued by the Narcissist and discarded. So I am going to jump to some of the ways that they do this when the honeymoon phase is over.

Most every conversation you have with them seems to leave you confused, stressed, in conflict, and drained. You will be left with the burden of trying to figure out what they have said or basically what the heck just happened. It is like a hit and run accident and you are just left in shock trying to gain a foothold of the incident. A basic conversation can go from zero to a hundred miles per hour and in a direction that puts you in the path of an unavoidable crash, AND you weren’t able to control the direction you were headed in. You ask yourself how did this all start and what led up to it? You will end up spending hours, or perhaps even days, obsessing over the intent of the message or argument. You exhaust all of your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing – it was pre-planned to be this way by the Narcissist. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but there is as far as it concerns the Narcissist that is controlling you.

Everything they have absorbed or learned about you is now being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They already know how to charm you because they know your likes BUT they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no you in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!

So what about these ridiculous and crazy arguments, etc. You could have NEVER kept up with the original conversation (or argument) in a realistic manner because it was basically nonsensical in your mind and had no real basis of reality. But it served a purpose as far as the Narcissist is concerned to deflect from something or the other, or there was an agenda to it, or to demean and dehumanize you – control, control, CONTROL. BUT it served its purpose because it confounded or confused you and forced you to process the CRAZY information with no real success. You will have many rebuttals going on in your head AFTER THE FACT because you feel a need to defend yourself or rationalize what happened. Basically you are trying to fix the situation, but was it an argument because you really didn’t do anything but yet you feel like you did something, BUT WHAT IS IT YOU DID??

BAM, this is exactly the place a Narcissist wants you to go to – total confusion and insanity. They have drawn from the vast wealth of knowledge they have gained from observing you and use it consistently to maneuver you into a place of confusion and isolation. There are many reasons behind each of these scenarios, but they are basically to manage you down and to control you. However you will try to resolve this because you feel you need to address what happened and more than likely to defend yourself hoping for resolution but in the end you’ll find that you are the person always apologizing AND always trying to fix things. After a while these crazy arguments will have you stuck in the confusion so much so that you have lost all perspective of your relationship, as well as your value in the relationship. You are always responding to the Narcissist’s crazy making and never participating in a reciprocal or real relationship. You are being emotionally and psychologically abused! No/minimal contact is the ONLY way to start on the road to recovery by stopping all of the chaos to regain clarity and normality in your life! Greg

Narcissists push your buttons like you are an elevator, up and down always keeping you off balance and never knowing what level you are on.

Narcissists push your buttons like you are an elevator, up and down always keeping you off balance and never knowing what level you are on. More on their shrewd ability to manipulate your trust to get at your secrets, your insecurities, your personal thoughts, etc., so they can weaponize them and use them against you.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

THE NARCISSIST (having one of their heart to heart conversations): “You CAN trust me! You can confide in me. I am so glad you trust me enough to talk like this. Talk to me anytime you need a listening ear, I am here for you. I am always on your side! You can tell me anything. I will help you out ALWAYS, just open up to me! Don’t worry because I always have your back. I care for you OR love you so much and am ALWAYS here for you!” Or if you are a friend or family member the “love bombing” is appropriately adjusted to your position in their life.

Answer or participate in any of these ‘poison conversations’ and you are allowing a Narcissist to uncover your deepest and darkest secrets and insecurities AND they will exploit them completely. They will even fuel a conversation to manipulate you into ‘providing’ personal information about a situation or a person to extort the knowledge and use it against you. What is carefully hidden under their ‘fake’ empathy is an agenda to manipulate and exploit those weaknesses and use them against you in any number of different ways. They will call upon this personal information AT ANY TIME to dehumanize you and invalidate you. They will use your ‘innermost thoughts and secrets’ against you, make themselves ‘in the know’ about personal issues with ‘others’ and negatively triangulate with friends, family and co-workers with that ‘very personal’ information they have gained through sharing. They will withhold their support by knowing and using your weaknesses OR use every bit of personal information against you to manage you down and abuse you psychologically. Calling this a personality disorder is only defining the tip of the iceberg – what is hidden beneath the water is what most people don’t understand as the truth about how disordered and destructive these creatures are!

Narcissists are “crazy-makers” and they thrive on negative and debilitating drama through the manipulation of real facts, lies, triangulating, backstabbing, betrayal, etc. This is all to support the crazy-maker’s agenda to divide and conquer, harm and disable, and essentially destroy people and situations. This is their mechanism to divert reality on a ‘one to one’ (personal level) and within the very groups (organizations) of people they interact with. Wherever and whenever they are present most people have to walk on eggshells and they feel an impending sense of doom. Most EVERY situation can be part of their agenda to support and create their drama. BUT they are stealth operators and can camouflage their crazy making in a manner that it never seems to originate from them as adversity. It is a care or concern and they are just mentioning this to perhaps ‘help out’ but is purely steered and driven by the Narcissist as a destructive agenda to gain control over every situation in life – basically it is backstabbing!

A crazy-maker is someone who makes you feel crazy by constantly stirring up trouble and causing a negative outcome from their involvement and presence in ANY given situation. ‘Normal’ doesn’t serve a Narcissist and their need for power and control, but CHAOS and ‘crazy making’ does! They are always the problem, but nothing is ever their fault.

They cannot sit down and experience a normal or real moment, a memory, or a connection to real happiness within themselves or reflect about their life because there are NONE, only envy of what they can’t achieve, what they don’t have, and what they WANT. Their inner world is angry, dark and lacks complete empathy. They don’t have any internal mechanisms to love or care about anybody so instead they feed their eternal neediness and pathological nature through extreme manipulation and extort what they can from life and people. They create chaos and destruction with their abusive manners to make other’s feel their emptiness as if to pay for their misery and disconnection from real happiness and life. They imitate our good reality to draw us into their life and then into their personal misery by abusing what they can’t ever achieve – our goodness and ability to love.

If they can successfully harm our good intentions and mock our empathy it allows them to deny their own destructive nature and world by making us assume their misery and darkness. Misery loves company as they say and a Narcissist needs to prove to themselves that everyone else is the miserable and the destructive creature that they are through delusional deception and destruction. They use us like a filter to diffuse their negativity and assume our goodness, empathy and love as their own. They wear us like a disguise to walk among the good people to constantly find more and more supply to harvest. Without a mask (false) of real empathy and love, their darkness would expose them and people would avoid every aspect of their being!

They jump from relationship to relationship to create or re-create the security or family they can never have. The pattern is to secure a new person to have constant supply available, morph into this person’s world with the pretense of love, they become bored with the situation because they are UNABLE to have a real relationship built on love, they deny any fault as being their own because they lack all empathy so they blame, devalue, dehumanize, destroy and discard and then move on and REPEAT this cycle with someone new. They never assume any responsibility that they HAD love and a real family BUT destroyed it to support their out-of-control world and perverse actions it was just part of their charade. If you were able to look at their past life in a chronological order you would only see destroyed people and relationships that were all cycles of the same abuse repeated over and over again, and it would stretch back over their entire life.

They create scenarios to discover your weakness or fears, and store them away to manipulate you later. They don’t use language as communication, it is for hiding, deflecting, avoiding, masking, & manipulating because their charm is completely false. They take pride in their own righteousness and rightness. They attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They NEVER believe they make mistakes even when they proof is right there in front of them. They have an innate inability to feel, process or truly understand shame from the negative and hurtful things they do to others – they can only blame and apply fault to everybody else. Contradict them a few times and you will feel their out of control Narcissistic rage.

Their conversations and interactions aren’t meant to enlighten, but to confuse, control, and consistently create drama. They are a huge VOID, working to get whatever they can from you – basically they extort life and lives. They expect you to lend a listening ear and give them complete approval. They use emotional withdraw and silencing to create guilt, compliance and control. They will betray personal information and secrets to feel more powerful. They will manipulate and use flattery or protests of their innocence (crying, pleading, and begging) like a stealth weapon to achieve their agenda and get their way. They will use verbal skills to block or deflect accountability for their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle and sift blame onto YOU. They impact lives negatively but miraculously escape exposure even appearing to have some positive effect and you end up the negative aspect of the relationship with them.

Their subconscious mind is where they create a delusional and false ego from which they relate to the whole world. They are their own fictitious creation and story that can change to fit into any and every situation as long as it supports THEIR agenda and you provide them with some sort of service they want AND need (we are only supply to them!)

Real relationships don’t exist for them because people are an expendable objects or supply that they harvest to meet all of their needs and then discard when they have gotten all they can. We are all only part time players on the Narcissist’s stage along with many others. They need primary and secondary supply every waking moment, so they will create one on one relationships to have continual supply and then secure whatever other supply they can from the rest of the world.

They are capable of having more than one relationship going on at the same time with neither participant being the wiser. REMEMBER they are insatiable and inexhaustible as far as their need for supply so the world is like a huge department store for them to get what they need at any time. Unfortunately, their envy of all man/womankind also drives them to destroy those that have realistically believed in them or loved them because they abhor our realty and love because they can’t be anything but the mindless and soulless monster they are. Simply calling this a personality disorder does not aptly describe the hate they display for life and people – the destruction they inflict does describe what and who they are AND it is criminal!

Their sole pursuit is their omnipotence or to be seen as God’s gift to the world through pathological deception and destructive acts but in reality they are only hiding a very damaged and dark world. There is no ‘fixing’ them and this is evidenced by the many people that have offered unconditional love to them only to be rejected and destroyed through their efforts. Love can and will heal all and if it doesn’t then it is beyond human capacity to change a person that is this devoid of the natural goodness of life and they are only soulless creatures. Ask yourself why they imitate love, or why they wear it as part of their disguise if not to achieve their destructive agenda. They know it well enough to use it but obviously they can’t be it. Unfortunately, it is a tough lesson with a Narcissist because the result is emotional and psychological abuse. You must gain the knowledge and education to accept this as the truth to be able to move totally on and away from EVERYTHING Narcissist and to gain your real life back after experiencing this abuse. No/minimal contact! Greg

The journey to understanding WHY and HOW they take us from CHARM to HARM. I want to really to drive these points home so we can understand how we fell down this rabbit hole and right into this abusers grasp.

The journey to understanding WHY and HOW they take us from CHARM to HARM. I want to really to drive these points home so we can understand how we fell down this rabbit hole and right into this abusers grasp.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist is a master of FAKE emotions and empathy with a phony façade and life to match. They appear to take you in, care about you, understand everything you are experiencing, and they appear to genuinely put themselves in your shoes to understand “YOU” with acceptance and unconditional love. They observe and react with that resounding smile, approval, and unconditional care and love. All of this causes you to let your guard down and truly believe there is a genuine give-and-take in your relationship and a love that exists that is just for you. It is overwhelming to meet someone that is so much like you, so connected to your thoughts, and so reactive to meet your every need that you BELIEVE in them completely. BUT once they gain your trust they will pounce on you. They wait until you are perfectly comfortable with them and your guard is completely down or even perhaps having a low moment in your life and now the time has come to manage you down and to control you to manage the business at hand or secure the supply they came for. How do they do this? Through that amazing connection they created with us – what we didn’t expect is that THEY were also unlocking our insecurities, our likes and dislikes, our personal secrets, and anything else they could use AGAINST us in the second phase of this so-called relationship or the devaluation phase to control us – or the HARM phase!

What would you do if you were completely void of love and empathy, how would you interact in the normal world? Without emotions or the ability to bond you would have to control people to trap them into your defective world so you could essentially fit in and get/take what you need that you can’t accomplish on your own. Narcissists perfectly execute an emotional and psychological attack on their victim because their purpose is to wear you down, to humiliate you, and make you feel small and inferior and dependent on them OR again control. A Narcissist is not going to allow you to have feelings for YOURSELF and they are going to make you believe you are selfish and wrong for wanting ANY attention. There is no such thing as YOUR needs or individuality and they basically erase your personality bit by bit. They want what they want and they have invested their time to mold you into a viable source of supply. Narcissists do not tolerate individuality because people are objects for them to use as they see fit. There is nothing more here than their agenda coming to fruition and you have to understand that THIS IS ALL IT WAS. Predator after their prey using camouflage to hide the truth to trap you – or that façade and mask. The simple truth is that a person that cannot relate to emotions or empathy cannot relate to another human being in the smallest way.

A Narcissist ALWAYS loves to make you feel that YOU are crazy, especially if you try to confront them, make them accountable, bring up past issues or behaviors, or expose them when they are doing something appalling or lying. Basically YOU are told that you have an over active imagination, you don’t know what you are talking about, they have NO idea what you are talking about, or that you are simply making things up to cause problems. They’ll tell you that it is obvious that YOU are the one who is crazy (and tell you that everyone around you agrees with them about you being crazy). FURTHERMORE, they will claim not to remember any of these events, even flatly deny that they ever happened, and will NEVER accept the possibility that they might have forgotten. Your perceptions of normalcy and reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your own intuition, memory, processing your thoughts, or reasoning, AND constantly confused. The Narcissist is a master at spinning everything and deflecting to remain in control and keeping you vulnerable!

The Narcissist will up the game to include destroying your soul, your ego, your accomplishments and any belief system you have to completely manage you down to feeling worthless. The way the game is played is for them to try to turn everything about you and everything you do, into a complete failure. The Narcissist has the reasoning of a child – but they act out like a controlling, demanding, and demeaning parent (more so toxic). No matter what your real age, you are never allowed to reach a viable emotional age with them especially one that allows for your individuality or growth with them. You will always be treated like a stupid child, a bad child, a silly child, etc., and you will always be reprimanded and put in your place to honor them completely and NEVER question them! Consistent managing down is what all of this amounts to!

Everything with a Narcissist is competitive and every life situation is a competition that requires “one-upmanship”, to beat their opponent. It always involves a “payoff” for the Narcissist that is ALWAYS about them getting something or extorting everything they can and devaluing and hurting you somehow too. They feel superior within their ability to con, control, and destroy. Again their delusional world is like a battleground with them against us because everybody and everything is a threat – be it real or perceived. They keep track of real AND imaginary things you do, have done, or might do. It is a reactionary relationship with them BUT you are the one that always has to explain your every word and action to them and made accountable when you are not serving their every whim and need!

Lastly what supports their lies is complete DENIAL. It is important to recognize that the Narcissist will never acknowledge that any games are being played AND the important point here is that it is up to YOU to stop playing. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to fix them, the situation or heal them! You will always be told you are wrong, they are right, and that you are in need of some serious help. You can’t get them to acknowledge or take responsibility for their words or actions because they will always say they didn’t do it or it never happened. They have to or else face real accountability and retribution for their actions and then their gig would be up, so they deflect with more lies, more manipulation, and punishing, silencing and abusing you! They will destroy you completely to avoid exposure.

The main point here is that what I described is a Narcissist and how they abuse. They are not fully functioning human beings. They do not connect on ANY level with human beings except to use them as supply. We can describe this as a superficial relationship, but it goes far beyond superficial because it is a toxic and destructive relationship that will completely drain you and disable you and your belief system. Your responsibility is to get your ‘ah ha’ moment and understand that they are the defective ones that emotionally and psychologically inflicted some deep wounds that have severely affected your psyche. BUT that is where you start on your road to recovery. There is another type of healing that involves your personal emotional wounds that the Narcissist sourced out and used against you. Healing involves you and only you closing all of those wounds permanently through your personal journey or recovery!

Whatever that Narcissist has said to you that has deeply hurt you or wounded you is NOT a real observation, it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you and define you. They were so supportive in the beginning, but that was also to gain your trust and the knowledge of your weaknesses to use against you. You opened up your amazing heart along with all of your wounds and gave them the opportunity to find any and all of your weaknesses AND they were looking for them. They DO NOT have the ability to understand pain, sorrow, being vulnerable or apply empathy – they only want access to your weaknesses to use them against you or to CONTROL you.

This is what we have to heal within us or those weaknesses that they have constantly pointed out because they are real and within us and now they have made them come to the surface so much so that we lost our worth and trusting our own reality. They are master game players and used their keen perception to always be on top of their game. They took these weaknesses and embellished them to even make you think you were mentally ill and even fear yourself and your way of thinking. It is a very sick game that these Narcissists play, BUT it is a game that requires other players and you have to totally opt out of participating! They will attack you at any and every level they can, even making fun of you physically and they can be VERY cruel! You will ask why and how can they do this – well again because they have no empathy, no care, no connection, no bond, no morals, and no love for any other human being or they are personality disorder AND they were after something – that is your complete answer. Please internalize and KNOW this! ALSO, please understand that you still ARE that amazing person and this was situational or abuse and you will recover with knowledge, education and support. No/minimal contact to start out on your journey to recovery! Greg

Traumatization from this abuse – so important for victims to understand and to be aware of the effects of trauma so they can find viable help and solutions.

Traumatization from this abuse – so important for victims to understand and to be aware of the effects of trauma so they can find viable help and solutions.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events, but there are common denominators. There is frequently a violation of the person’s familiar ideas (belief system) about the real world and of their human rights, putting the person in a state of extreme confusion and insecurity. Recovering from a traumatic experience requires that the painful emotions be thoroughly processed. Trauma feelings cannot be repressed or forgotten and should be treated immediately or as soon as there is a realization that you are caught up in the trauma. If they are not dealt with either directly or at any other point in your recovery, the distressing feelings and troubling events replay over and over again in the course of a lifetime, creating this condition known as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Every bad moment in your life will connect you with those negative messages that the Narcissist manipulated you into believing and you will feel those old feelings of worthlessness, fear, and vulnerability. You will always feel like you are not good enough, scared, and indifferent as far as how you see yourself in a world you were once part of, happy and familiar with. Events do not always define you especially negative ones, but sometimes we define ourselves through these events especially after this type of traumatizing abuse. The Narcissist taught/conditioned us to blame ourselves and feel completely worthless – and if that message is still cycling in our heads from this abuse we will let it define us forever. Whatever inner resources people need to mobilize to achieve recovery, they still should not try to accomplish this task alone. Depression and trauma are ‘disconnective disorders’ and they do not improve with isolating ourselves. To fix them you have to be connected to others and accept that there is goodness and real love out there.

A couple other facts about trauma. Intellectually, you lose from 50 to 90 percent of brain capacity, which is why you should never make a decision and why you feel so lost and empty when you are “in the trauma zone.” Emotionally you don’t feel anything, and your old belief systems and spirit is disconnected. Physically all your systems shut down and you run on basics. You are in the ‘fight or flight mode’ or a hyper awareness of always feeling like you are in danger or surrounded by doom and hopelessness. When your system starts to recover, and you can handle a bit more stimulation and energy, THEN real thoughts emerge that will guide you back to reality and help you process the information and start on your road to recovery!

Some important clinical information about the Common Features of PTSD from emotional/psychological abuse. These are consistent symptoms that identify the abuse as a psychiatric injury and different from a mental illness. That is an important differentiation to make so that you don’t internalize a message that says you cannot overcome the effects of the trauma and live with it. The Narcissist is definitely the dysfunctional person in this equation that disabled and traumatized you!

• An overwhelming desire for acknowledgement, understanding, recognition and validation of their experience.
• Fatigue with symptoms similar to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
• Extreme anger from feeling the injustice and almost seeming ‘manic’ instead of motivated for recovery purposes, “obsessive” instead of focused, and “angry” instead of passionate to fix yourself and regain order and reality in life.
• A desire for revenge.
• A tendency to cycle between reconciliation/forgiveness and anger/revenge where objectivity and reality become a causality.
• Feeling extremely fragile, where formerly you were stronger and had a stable character.
• Numbness, both physical and emotional (inability to feel love and joy.)
• Clumsiness.
• Forgetfulness.
• Hyperawareness and an acute sense of time passing them by.
• An enhanced and hypersensitive awareness.
• A constant feeling that you have to justify everything you say and do.
• A constant need to prove yourself, even when surrounded by good, positive people.
• An unusually strong sense of vulnerability, victimization or a feeling of persecution!
• Occasional intrusive visualizations connected to an extreme anger.
• Feelings of worthlessness, rejection, a sense of being unwanted, unlikeable and unlovable.
• A feeling of being small, insignificant, invisible, and lost.
• An overwhelming sense of betrayal, and a consequent inability and unwillingness to trust anyone, even those closest to you.
• Depression with occasional sudden bursts of energy accompanied by a feeling of “I’m better!”, only to be followed by a full resurgence of the symptoms a day or two later.
• Excessive guilt about your situation and why you can’t overcome this.

Today I can clearly see that intervention is so vital and affects MANY victims. Trauma is real and debilitating in situations like this abuse that is born from a hideous betrayal of a person’s spirit and belief system. It can shut you down completely and keep you locked up in isolation because your replaced belief system from the abuse doesn’t trust that there is goodness in life. Sometimes we don’t see this until many years after the fact. This is not recovery, this is living in fear because of a traumatic event and this is what this abuse does. A Narcissist cannot live or survive on their own, they need us (people) to feel alive and be alive, but they are akin to a predator that feeds off of people, erases their personality, and takes their healthy emotions and spirit away from them. We don’t need people to survive, but we want to enjoy people, like them, bond with them, and even love them – and we deserve to be a participant in this wonderful world AND healthy as we once were – THIS IS OUR GOAL with recovery and that is to come back again as a whole person. What this Narcissist forced into your head can be desensitized and you CAN recover completely. It all starts with you and a journey away from the traumatizing reality of what they are and what they have done. You deserve that same love that you gave so freely and unconditionally. It is still there and with self-compassion you CAN and WILL give it back to yourself because you are resilient, and a survivor and YOU are just that amazing to be able to do this. No/minimal contact always! Greg

Put aside what you BELIEVED was real with this person because there was NOTHING real about them except for what you were conned into believing – especially that they cared for you or loved you. Instead BELIEVE what your intuition told you that something was wrong and go beyond that and believe everything was wrong and the miracle here is that you are free from them and in time with introspection and grieving the abuse, you will see a clear picture of just how repulsive they really are.

Put aside what you BELIEVED was real with this person because there was NOTHING real about them except for what you were conned into believing – especially that they cared for you or loved you. Instead BELIEVE what your intuition told you that something was wrong and go beyond that and believe everything was wrong and the miracle here is that you are free from them and in time with introspection and grieving the abuse, you will see a clear picture of just how repulsive they really are. This is YOUR time to empower yourself with the truth and return to a chaos and abusive free life. DISCARD them completely from every aspect of your life you can and be free to grow again.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

SO, now who and what they really are! There is no “one” real person inside of the Narcissist that is fully functioning or normal but instead there MANY made up facsimiles of people they imitate to cover up their dark reality to give them a superficial façade and the ability to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people. They are biologically human beings with needs, and they look like us and basically even act like us BUT they do not THINK like we do and eventually that façade fails them and us. Narcissists do not make internal connections to people or bond, so they can only respond to external stimulation or the supply they continually seek out so basically you are an object. So you cannot try to relate to them or understand them through the real empathy and unconditional love or reasoning that apply to normal people. They are NOT like you or I so you cannot relate to them as if they are!

Seems complicated so how do they do it? When they meet you, they will carefully access so many parts of your life and morph right into you as if they are your twin – and WOW you have so much in common. SO, it naturally follows that there is no proper internal mechanism that exists or functions as it relates to a Narcissist having a normal and functioning ‘personality’ that can relate in a healthy manner with the outside world and the people in it. The reality that seems to exist (and I am very loosely using that word reality) is a thin veneer or skin that is like a mask or costume they CREATE and wear that corresponds with their needs at any given moment – and their needs are many! Their façade is very interchangeable as well, so it completely fools the rest of the world and protects the Narcissist from being EXPOSED as dark, envious, and loathsome person that they are.

You have probably heard this many times and I will repeat it once more – they are like a chameleon that is able to change the color of its skin to match its environment and they are amazingly adept at this. The Narcissist disengages or detaches from their dark inner self and recreates an image to wear for the public or their immediate world. This image is constantly projected to essentially allow themselves to ‘fit in.” Of course, it is a good and likeable image that is very interchangeable AND even described as very charming but remember it was designed to camouflage themselves – and there you have it a different person for every different ‘need’. Personally, I would describe them as seductive because in reality they con artists that are after something they need. That ‘need’ is usually to trick their targets and use them as ‘Narcissistic Supply’ and just a major component of their survival. Basically, their functioning image is the biggest lie that this extortionist uses in their arsenal of deceit or ABUSE. Or as my friend said ‘compartmentalization’ – they compartmentalize us to fit the many different and exacting needs they have for each of us. Remember Narcissists are in every facet of life – be it a family member, a friend, a co-worker, perhaps a priest or preacher, attorney, doctor, next door neighbor, etc. Also remember that supply isn’t just limited to romantic relationships – if you have something they need or want, or they can better their social status by being in your company, or benefit by an association with you, they will be right there at your side getting whatever they are after. Once they have gotten it,they are gone and if you ever tried to make them accountable – YOU are gone as well.

So there is no real person there just a needy void looking for surrogate to supply them what they cannot achieve on their own – or you and I – now that is pretty messed up! The relationship with yourself, or the one that requires a conscience, morals, empathy, a soul, etc., is a pretty important relationship to be lacking COMPLETELY, and pretty much a requirement or prerequisite to being a functioning human being and living life NORMALLY as well as interacting with others. If you don’t relate to your own self or your life in a healthy matter, how can you relate to anyone else in a ‘healthy manner OR any manner for that matter?’ JUST MY POINT – a Narcissist lacks the mechanisms needed to be a ‘fully functioning human being’ so they invent what they need as they go along in life and we play along or join in unknowingly with their toxic and destructive game while they run off with all the goods. Basically EVERYONE is here to supply them OR fulfill their every need, be it financially as in a career, sexually to fulfill their physical needs, familial so ‘they’ have a proper ‘face’ to appear ‘normal, moral and ethical’, friends to help them shore up their façade and believe their ‘lies’, or whatever they can harvest and use from people to fill in the huge VOID that they are. None of us serve anything more OR are more than a “bit part” in the Narcissist deranged and disordered life. We function to serve a specified need the Narcissist has at a specific time, AND they have multiple relationships going on to secure all the supply they can get – but we are none the wiser!

We are so much better than this abuse, we deserve so much more than this abuse, we deserved the truth and all we got were complete lies with this abuse, we deserve a real life and NOW we can have this once we get them out of our life and never look back at what was and instead use the truth to move forward with what is – THEY were emotional/psychological rapists and terrorists – NEVER forget this! Lastly the most important thing is that you survived this because you are here today and still standing, gaining all the knowledge and clarity to move forward. No/minimal contact! Greg

To coin a familiar phrase and to drive the point home, the most dangerous predators among us are ingeniously masked, veiled or disguised. How the Narcissists pulls their supporters and minions into the abuse agenda with one of their many interchangeable masks.

To coin a familiar phrase and to drive the point home, the most dangerous predators among us are ingeniously masked, veiled or disguised. How the Narcissists pulls their supporters and minions into the abuse agenda with one of their many interchangeable masks. It is ALL about self-preservation with them or else exposure would destroy their chances of seeking out NEW targets to feed their insatiable need for supply.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists carefully surround themselves with people entirely UNLIKE themselves or their minions and flying monkeys. Basically the people a Narcissists uses as their shield to avoid exposure are deeply caring and empathic human beings who wish to please others, who are slow to judge, who are excessively tolerant and who have an eye for digging up the good to be found in others. Narcissists know how to CHARM but exploit it to their own advantage and surround themselves with ‘special support’ or minions that protect them. It is their association with these types of people that maximizes the Narcissists chances of perpetuating or keeping their “FAUX” façade and themselves from exposure. Remember a Narcissist is really in conflict with themselves, so they will keep up this façade as if it is a matter of life and death because without it they would not be functional in OUR world.

Most everyone only sees the Narcissist as what he/she APPEARS to be on the outside or the mask they wear and the façade they create for us. Few really know what they truly are, and those few that DO get to know them and dare to ever oppose them WILL be demeaned, debased and destroyed – or better yet annihilated. It is not within our best interest to challenge them because the mask that Narcissist wears has been perfected and will be praised by many of their supporters or followers as well as the fact that Narcissists are dirty fighters when you oppose them. REMEMBER these many adorers are also another source of supply to the Narcissist, or the minions that praise them in life and hold the Narcissist’s mask in place for them. The Narcissist works every aspect of life ESPECIALLY with their weak minions that sing the Narcissists praises and protect their fake integrity. A Narcissist KNOWS who to surround themselves with! What becomes of us if we threaten the Narcissist’s balance is that we are cast out as some sort of trouble maker, or even mentally insane. How dare us for saying that the Narcissist is anything but the perfection they so adeptly personify! A Narcissist is definitely on top of their GAME!

To coin a familiar phrase and to drive the point home, the most dangerous predators among us are ingeniously masked, veiled or disguised. Narcissists carefully surround themselves with people entirely UNLIKE themselves or their minions and flying monkeys. Basically the people a Narcissists uses as their shield to avoid exposure are deeply caring and empathic human beings who wish to please others, who are slow to judge, who are excessively tolerant and who have an eye for digging up the good to be found in others. Narcissists know how to CHARM but exploit it to their own advantage and surround themselves with ‘special support’ or minions that protect them. It is their association with these types of people that maximizes the Narcissists chances of perpetuating or keeping their “FAUX” facade and themselves from exposure. Remember a Narcissist is really in conflict with themselves, so they will keep up this façade as if it is a matter of life and death because without it they would not be functional in OUR world.

Unfortunately, pathological Narcissists are so clever that certain people will simply never be able to penetrate their mask or disguise, no matter what or how apparent the truth is! One reason Narcissists are so successful is that they have come to believe their own lies and that is why they are so good at creating that charming and amazing façade. The Narcissist is the ‘creator’ of their world with their own vision of themselves in this world, they are the ‘ruler’ or dictator of this world and they make up all of the rules, regulations and laws. What could be more real to a Narcissist than their own delusions all packaged up neatly in a little world of their own that they alone rule?

The Narcissist’s world lacks all reality and principle which yields an inconsistency of morals so anything and everything goes in their world – NO MATTER WHAT THE COST IS TO ANYBODY. Remember the flip side of this as well – Narcissists are NOT consistent and they despise anyone that is consistent with their ethics, goodness, life, etc., because it exposes the Narcissist’s inconsistency and a constant reminder of their own self-deception. Like garlic to a vampire – they will hiss at it, try to destroy it, and run off into the darkness if confronted.

I can’t emphasize enough just how much people underestimate the truth/reality of the destructive and pathological Narcissist who operates behind that facade of FAUX respectability, morality, empathy, and flawed truth. They are abusive to people, families, organizations, and life in general. The pathological Narcissist is a long-term planner or plotter, like one of those brilliant chess players who can see the whole board and then plans ten or more moves ahead to WIN. It is almost impossible for anyone to uncover the complex and multi-layered schemes of a Narcissist unless you are entirely aware of the pathological depths of the level of malicious intelligence that they use to manipulate people and hide their disordered self – THEY ARE ALWAYS MANY STEPS AHEAD OF THE GAME. So to know one requires knowledge we don’t have, OR could never understand if we did possess it and even if we did unlock all of the truth we couldn’t fix them or even relate – so basically we are always left wide open to being perpetually manipulated and deceived. That is just how good they are at this game to get their supply AND get away with their abuse. We could never engage in a war with them either because they fight so dirty with lies and exaggerations that can completely destroy their victim’s integrity and life. It is like coming upon a poisonous snake, you know that once they start coiling back to strike at you that if you don’t disengage they WILL bite and their venom can and will kill you so you back away slowly so as to not aggravate them and then get as far away as possible.

We are ALL targets of this abuse because it is never singular in nature because it destroys whole families, organizations, businesses, etc., and they have the right camouflage to hide among us and to protect themselves from being exposed. They are unstable, extremely envious, and the chaos they inflict annihilates anybody that crosses their path. When we accept that and close the book to the emotions or whatever binds us to them, then we can accept the ugly truth and start to move on! You cannot engage in their battles because even if you try the lateral damage they will cause with their relentless attacks on your integrity and life will take up so much of your time and energy to attempt to fix. So, a little wisdom – you just need to walk away and write off the damage they have caused to save your sanity and more losses. They only step up their abuse when we have moved on or they have discarded us – so it is best to just discard everything about them and move onto healing and recovery because there is nothing more important than getting away and getting to that healthy again.

Lastly the awareness that others may have is a constant source of anxiety for the Narcissist and thus a huge need to constantly control their immediate world. The Narcissist is VERY aware of the limitations surrounding their facade of lies. When people talk with one another, they begin to acquire a much larger perspective of things OR the real truth and they begin to see a bigger picture of the Narcissist. The pathological Narcissist CAN’T afford to have people talking amongst themselves and sharing stories. So, he/she will go to great lengths and carefully produce very devious and underhanded schemes to keep people divided. The Narcissist will create division among friends or colleagues by planting lies about one person to another, and then more lies about another and so on and so forth. This can be a successful strategy because no one expects a highly intelligent adult to be carrying on like a scheming child or an emotionally disturbed adolescent. And since most of us want to trust as well as avoid confrontation, it is much easier to believe that charming liar and move on. This is the Narcissist’s damage control to protect their abusive agenda.

Again, WE MUST understand that this abuse is intentional and as much as the person (abuser) was such a personal part of us, it was purely the act of an emotionally and psychologically UNBALANCED and deviant human being. It seems insurmountable to try to erase what was reality to us as nothing more than a Narcissist sourcing us out to provide themselves with what they only needed to survive. Why do they go through such lengths to do this and why also destroy good people? Well I would say because it works for them, it gives them power to control us and maintain their constant supply from us because they need us AND most importantly they get away with it as most of us have experienced! What other reason would motivate a person to act in this manner toward a person that is unconditional and loving? Yes, it is how they are wired, no empathy, no emotions, and they CAN’T love. But why do they destroy and damage when it is bad enough to extort people of their valuable lives yet alone have a knife to their back ready to destroy them at any given moment? They are thieves, thugs and psycho bullies as well as destructive and dangerous so never stay a moment longer with them once you know the truth. Their truth is hidden behind so many lies, so if they can lie so easily to themselves to protect their damaged self they will most assuredly lie to us and about us to keep their dirty secrets! YOU deserve so much more like your freedom and happiness! Discard everything Narcissist from your life and put your complete energy into you and returning to a healthy lifestyle. NO/MINIMAL CONTACT! Greg

I am going to try to make sense of the distorted reality of what is REALLY going on with a Narcissist and the extreme manipulation and control they exert over people.

I am going to try to make sense of the distorted reality of what is REALLY going on with a Narcissist and the extreme manipulation and control they exert over people. It is always dangerous and against our best interests to attempt to understand their darkness – so remember to heed my advice and never try to do it because there is no sense to their dark and dangerous actions – it is always about what serves them no matter what HARM they cause to another person.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

WHAT describes a Narcissist and their abusive agenda – well here we go:

Narcissists ALWAYS tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions. In turn they will accuse and blame others to divert attention away from themselves and the real truth.

A Narcissist will refuse to accept the perspective of any human being but they will irrationally defend their own distorted/delusional position and lies as well as force you into accepting them as reality and the end result is that you discard or dump YOUR normal and healthy reality. Narcissists always make people feel that they HAVE to please or basically serve them.

They shrewdly access and withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing because it gives them the ability to control and manipulate future events. A Narcissist will slowly but surely erode their target/victim’s reality, self-esteem and spirit! Narcissists completely avoid and NEVER acknowledge the feelings of others, yet they will often bring up how their emotions (loosely using that word here) are being effected and how WE don’t respect or honor their needs. They are eternal victims and NOTHING you do is worthy of meeting their needs. “We JUST don’t love them enough,” OR SO THEY TELL US!

They will slight a target/victim or perhaps make them accept personal digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the Narcissist to say they were just kidding while still being abusive and hurting the target/victim.

Narcissists will completely change the subject to divert attention back onto themselves. You could be talking to them about a serious matter and it will be dismissed in moments so the Narcissist has all the attention right back where they feel it belongs – ON THEM. If they want to raise it up a notch, they will aggressively BULLY you with shouting, dismiss you, and walk away. You never feel that anything about you is important enough for consideration by the Narcissist and you are right! Remember it is ALL about them.

Narcissists make others feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the miserable level of the Narcissist. They always threaten or hint of some form of punishment that they will inflict if YOU don’t do exactly what they are asking, or accept what they are saying. THEN of course they will reinforce this with blame as if you did something that deserves their actions and disdain. They will even dismiss you completely and silence you to drive their point home. YOU CAN NEVER MEET ANY OF THEIR EXPECTATIONS!

They will be cold, quiet, and distant, then deny that anything is wrong, but it feels as if they ARE angry or perhaps we have done something wrong and you are left wondering. Unfortunately, you can’t access what it is so you will have no sense of what is going on to help you feel at ease with them. On the flip side there will be inappropriate emotional outbursts to also distract attention, confusing their targets/victims and shifting blame for something you AGAIN have no real sense of. You are ALWAYS left feeling like you are walking on those infamous eggshells with them or always confused and feeling conflicted as to a cohesive reality with them! Confusion through diversion equals CONTROL!

Narcissists ALWAYS try to control others to domineer and limit freedom of expression/speech or individuality. Again controlling the environment around them with confusion, chaos, bullying and negativity. They are ALWAYS instilling fear or retaliatory punishment for anyone that doesn’t comply with their EVERY wish. They will also deny you ANY recognition or success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling you out or basically placing you in the category of a loser and not worthy of proper recognition. Their word is the FINAL word always! A target/victim could have accomplished something so worthy of recognition and the Narcissist will never respond with a supportive word or a congratulation, instead they will minimalize the entire accomplishment OR even find fault in it. They will put a handle on any positive situation to make you doubt your achievement of success. They continually manage people DOWN! You will always misplace or lose your reality with them

Narcissists always forget commitments and promises purposely because there was nothing real behind their words in the first place – just more of their manipulation to keep you believing. They will even deny that they promised to do something to try to make you believe you are imagining things. They will build you up to bring you down.

Narcissists will take advantage of any vulnerability using shame, guilt, and fear to make a target feel worthless by highlighting or embellishing the simple insecurities they may have. This could even be done in a manner where the Narcissist will make fun of the target/victim’s physical attributes in a cruel overt manner.

A Narcissist’s actions, promises or reality in every situation are totally out of alignment. They ALWAYS say one thing and do another. For example, they preach morality BUT they have no morals and act on their impulses regularly. They may PRETEND to follow a religious doctrine and praise themselves for religious values but actually possess NONE of these values whatsoever. In actuality they ARE the very sinners that they are denouncing, preaching about, and pointing fingers at. They will condemn YOU for the very things they are doing and always leaving you with your jaw dropping to the ground wondering what they are accusing you of and why they are doing it. The Narcissist I dealt with was/is infamous for this!

Narcissists are only nice when all other options have been removed or when they feel they are trapped into a corner or up against a wall. This is usually when the truth is so evident that they have no other option available to them. There is no remorse for what they have done, they are just trying to wriggle out of being exposed for whatever they have done AND what they are. They also want to keep you trapped in the abuse so they can keep extorting what they can or achieving supply with their insincere apology and patronizing gestures.

In time they will replace you once you have actually caught onto their lies and agenda, BUT of course you are to BLAME for their actions! You are the disordered one and you have abused THEM and they are “running for their lives” (a favorite and OVER used quote of my Narcissist.) That is really a distorted lie and excuse that they have moved onto a new source, but they are going to keep you locked up in confusion, lies, and abuse surrounding their departure for as long as they can. They will even actually PULL you back into the abuse making you think that there is a possibility of reconciliation. It is just a way for them to achieve more chaos to disable you as much as they can as well as implicate you as being obsessed when THEY are the ones that initiate contact to use against you. Keeping you vulnerable also keeps their abuse hidden from the world as well as keep control over you from a distance.

When they are having a conversation, be it one on one or even in a group setting, they will completely cut someone off as if they are not allowed to speak. Narcissists suppress self-expression and individuality to support their omnipotence and power over others by controlling everyone in their world. Basically they eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves to feel superior and omnipotent! It shores up their false identity and makes them feel so worthy when it is all based on lies and distortion, BUT THEY JUST DON’T SEE IT AS THIS! They are delusional and self-affirming to support their needy needs.

Narcissists will ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses. They push everyone’s buttons. They will even go as far as humiliating people in public situations to show their superiority. They are psycho bullies. By pushing buttons and highlighting a person’s sensitivity they gain power and evoke fear in the target/victim of choice. They ACTIVATE a person’s insecurities to gain power and superiority over them.

Through their vast arsenal of tools to manipulate a Narcissist will pretend to understand a person’s concerns, but then they will blatantly break every boundary and step all over those concerns and basically violate them and you! If they CAN’T control a person they will slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of this person. Narcissists RUIN people’s lives.

Narcissists will always attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They won’t believe they make mistakes and they have no ability to feel or process or truly understand shame.

ALWAYS remember that lies and deceit are a natural part of the Narcissist’s world. The old saying, “the best liars lie to themselves first” really applies to Narcissists as well as “the lie often repeated is far more convincing” and they repeat their lies many times over! A Narcissist has the amazing ability to believe their own lies even when they fly in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. You HAVE to take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. A friend of mine always said to me “if they are breathing they are lying” and it is the truth!

LASTLY! Don’t allow yourself to ride on this emotional roller coaster through hell because it is never ending with a Narcissist even for a good while after they are gone! So then heed this warning and live by it – once you are discarded, leave, or are out of the relationship the Narcissist doesn’t need you anymore as supply so LET THEM GO. It is more than likely (pretty much a guarantee) you were emotionally and physically replaced long before the separation or discard AND they are out to destroy your integrity AND you to avoid exposure. Stay away from them because they are in their protection mode and have bombs waiting to explode in your life should you attempt to undermine them in any way.

Everything I outlined here is taken directly from my experience with the Narcissist I knew. Unfortunately, I was blinded by the manipulation, constant lies, and brainwashing, but NEVER again. I ‘believed’ and never saw the train wreck in front of me. Was I a damaged person? No not in the normal reality of the behavioral sciences as in having a mental illness or a personality disorder but I became the byproduct of the disabling abuse by being in the company of a highly dysfunctional and disordered person. I have insecurities, I have wounds, I may trust a little too much, I get angry, etc. – BUT, I am a good person that respects people. I give and love unconditionally and I know when enough is enough. I get hurt but I don’t destroy and punish people because of this, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and ALLOW them the opportunity to talk and work through things. THAT is having empathy, that is creating a viable relationship with give and take, that is being unconditional and trying to give the benefit of the doubt to a person you care about. What I just described is giving of yourself and this is what bonding with another person SHOULD be – unfortunately with a Narcissist it is ALL TAKE, no give, control, and destruction! This is the IMPORTANT lesson we must take from the abuse – WE ARE THE NORMAL AND AMAZING PERSON HERE that was severely manipulated and THAT has disabled much of our core-being, psyche, heart, mind, and soul. EMPOWER yourself with the truth that this had NOTHING to do with anything about you and everything to do with a very damaged personality disordered abuser!No/minimal contact. Greg

We MUST process the truth that this was abuse! We believed it was some sort of bond or love when it wasn’t and we are in a place that is called abuse and the journey to recovery must start NOW that we understand JUST HOW DISORDERED this person was to our entire life.

We MUST process the truth that this was abuse! We believed it was some sort of bond or love when it wasn’t and we are in a place that is called abuse and the journey to recovery must start NOW that we understand JUST HOW DISORDERED this person was to our entire life. Unless you stop blaming yourself and ruminating, you will never really get out because you will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU – it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

There is a complexity that is involved here and that has to do with what has happened to YOUR psyche through this abuse – and what kept you attached to the relationship because of the emotions that evolved or better yet you were manipulated into believing were real. Without understanding this and educating yourself you continue to fight YOUR emotions/feelings until the truth is apparent. The more you get to know what they’re doing (their real agenda), what they are really like, see it for yourself with your own eyes, the more you observe and journal in your mind, the greater your desire becomes to not inhabit the Narcissist’s planet any longer nor be pulled into the gravity from the Narcissist. A better way to describe it is being seduced into this abuse by the extreme manipulation the Narcissist uses to trap you into their agenda.

FIRST and FOREMOST, most of us had a bond or fell in love with a Narcissist or had some sort of personal relationship with them – but it was FAKE, not real, a con job and a means for them to use us as Narcissistic supply. Huge and I mean ABSOLUTELY a huge betrayal and the sign of a highly-disordered individual. They thrive on admiration so they select an audience or a particular person that fulfills their need – and that is key here – we were objectified to fulfill THEIR NEEDS. Like a great actor does, a Narcissist draws from the audience/person to create a reality that is believable and we, as the audience, become engaged with the complete story – emotions, beliefs, feelings and all – we empathize with the character in that fake script. But this scenario is different because we PERSONALLY interact with this Narcissist and we didn’t know it is a huge con job and DANGEROUS at the time because our hearts are ruling our heads. We also didn’t know that the actor is not a fully functioning human being as well as lacks ANY empathy, nor do we know they are abusive and will destroy our lives and run off with whatever they can take from us. Read this very paragraph to anybody and they will probably shake their head in disbelief and think you are crazy. BUT IT IS THE TRUTH – so imagine if you will that it is just as crazy for us (target/victim) to relate to and try to put in a realistic perspective to create our OWN closure and recover from a predator that attacked our lives BUT we believed it was LOVE.

If we honestly evaluate what has happened during the aftermath, we can identify times where we were in full-fledged denial of the obvious facts. Our partners (or these people we had a connection with) had changed and we chose to believe that their viciousness and cruel behavior was caused by something WE had done wrong – a big NO to that – and our denial was in response to the barrage of manipulation that a shrewd Narcissist used to fulfill their agenda. It was the pull of the positive AND negative conditioning that kept us frozen in confusion and denial. That Narcissist was studying and reading us and our emotions like a book and using them against us to CONTROL us. It is also not a sign of weakness or stupidity on our part, instead it was a slow and insidious process of extreme manipulation, betrayal and brain-washing that stole our self-esteem and changed us. It is not hard to understand how it could happen because a Narcissist employs a manipulation that warps human emotion – something that we all cherish and try to emulate into our lives – and that is love. Love is many things that includes happiness, trust, personal bonding, strong emotions, empathy, attraction, growth, etc. – a very normal, unconditional and REWARDING emotion that can be real with a real person – again the Narcissist was nothing even near real. They use this “fake love” to grab our trust, take what they wanted, then destroy it all right in our faces and manipulate us back in to take more and more until there is nothing left of us!

So, we fell (were conned) INTO this relationship (whatever it was) – but an unnatural, desperate, and abusive connection or love is nothing even near a normal and it comes with a great price – the truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem, belief system, and worth. We constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND ourselves and in doing so, our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools. Their manipulation, betrayal, control, lies and acting out “trained” us to provide them with supply OR groomed us to become one of their objects and then they stepped up the game to get the most if not ALL they could from us until they were caught and identified as the monster they are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse so they could run off. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth. We didn’t give them the power to abuse us, we mistakenly opened our hearts and minds with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise – AND THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO!

So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship) who believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, friendship, a real family connection, love, individuality, etc., AND a real relationship – we only tried to follow the natural flow or path of a relationship. THAT is what is difficult to reconcile and that is also called ‘cognitive dissonance’ or accepting a new reality that our beliefs about something (like this manufactured love) is so directly in opposition to the real truth that we are NOW presented with – in other words it takes a GREAT deal of reconciliation to get to the closure that we were abused. We didn’t know that we had inadvertently set the stage for Narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them – and that is a BIG NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM and their MANY needs. A thief steals from you when you least expect it and they NEVER leave you a personal gift in return for what they stole – not a give and take situation – ALL TAKE like a Narcissist! Like a spoiled child, a Narcissist will act out in rage against the individual who is keeping them from getting what they want – constant supply, admiration, adulation and total control over their target. The hardest aspect to acknowledging this is accepting that we were JUST the next object for this Narcissist to use and this was SITUATIONAL abuse.

During what I call my “processing phase” I thought about all the arguments that seemed to come from nowhere and escalated to an “out of control” and ‘hit and run’ status for absolutely no reason – that is what describes the conditioning or grooming process. There were never any questions asked JUST THE ACCUSATIONS and out and out attacks from my Narcissist CONCERNING me. I was everything evil, everything mentally ill, I was perverse, having affairs, lying, cheating, stealing and anything else that the Narcissist could think up. It was the creative and DESTRUCTIVE mind of a highly disordered person acting out of their deep seeded pathology. These were diversions and projections of what the Narcissist was actually doing and they were shoved down my throat in an effort for this Narcissist to release from the shame and blame they should HAVE OWNED themselves for their hideous acts, lies and betrayal. Next it was to attempt to slowly but surely make me feel unworthy like I was all of these things wrong and bad so that I would keep changing to meet this Narcissist’s needs and become vulnerable. This defines the relationship with a Narcissist – totally and hysterically dysfunctional with an edge that serves the Narcissist’s agenda always.

I reflected on some of the Narcissists arguments or statements that were uncharacteristically insecure and childlike to me at the time. It was such a surprise coming from an adult but I justified it and wrote it off as this Narcissist’s “immaturity.” I wanted this Narcissist to be the person I believed the Narcissist to be when my heart assigned itself to loving this Narcissist and I was resolved about my beliefs. If you love them, you will accept them for WHO they are and work with them, time will work to heal all of this and the bigger picture was what was important. Too bad I didn’t realize the PSYCHOPATHY behind all of this. REMEMBER there was a great deal of “love bombing” so the Narcissist could gain our trust to get us to believe they were GOOD at first. I wasn’t overlooking the obvious because I wasn’t seeing the WHOLE picture or the lies, cheating, betrayal, brain-washing and everything else that is kept so hidden from all of us – this is why it is classified as abuse or better yet psychological terrorism/abuse.

That is, perhaps, the most difficult and devastating outcome of a Narcissistic relationship, mustering up the strength as well as adopting the position to accept that this person was/is just pathologically abusive and cruel AND now you must abandon them and the relationship COMPLETELY. It is a difficult and unnatural process to have to dump your past completely, as well as your emotions, dreams, plans, the family structure (they abandon/abuse their own biological children as well), all of the years you spent together and the memories that are also fake. IT IS AN ABHORATION of human relationships as well as human dignity to use/harm/destroy another individual in the manner a malignant Narcissist does. After you get there you are then left with the arduous task of finding and repurposing yourself again.

So here we are with the truth. We have to stand up again and brush ourselves off and start walking forward again and realize our own culpability in the exchange with this malignant Narcissist. We believed it was love when it wasn’t and we are in a place that is called abuse and the journey to recovery must start and NOW that we understand JUST HOW DISORDERED this person was to our entire life. Now we MUST go “no contact” because we have educated ourselves with the truth and we have to stop anymore attempts on their part to abuse us anymore.

Apart from all of that, I live and I love again. It is an amazing life because now, I accept that there are people in this world who represent cruelty, darkness and evil. It is not my place to fix them, make them better or to even tolerate them. Life is good without narcissists/psychopaths. I know myself better, I am myself, I love and enjoy and find the world a wonderful place to live in. I have good and great relationships. I know that I finally faced the truth and worked through it. I was not a deer frozen in the headlights and stayed in that position dazed forever. I was an adult with many resources and I learned to use them and work with solutions to fic myself. I accepted that abnormal people had entered into my life. I accepted that they left damage in their wake and I needed to get them out of my life. Unless you do that, unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out. You will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU – it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life. Educate yourself and go “no contact” AND educate others once you understand the reality of this abuse and the damage it does to many undeserving and beautiful people. No/minimal contact! Greg

Understanding the Narcissist’s GAME! Any conversation or interaction with a Narcissist is like a ‘hit and run’ accident – you are left in shock, dazed, damaged and trying to figure out what just happened!

Understanding the Narcissist’s GAME! Any conversation or interaction with a Narcissist is like a ‘hit and run’ accident – you are left in shock, dazed, damaged and trying to figure out what just happened! FACT: this is done on purpose to get YOU to react so they can now blame, shame, and diminish you for YOUR response and create chaos. Narcissists are serial provokers!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Every conversation or interaction you have with them seems to leave you confused and drained. You will be left with the burden of trying to figure out what they have said or basically what the heck just happened. It is like a hit and run accident and you are left in shock trying to gain a foothold of the incident. A basic conversation can go from zero to 100 miles per hour and in a direction that puts you in the path of an unavoidable crash, AND you weren’t able to control the direction you were headed in. You ask yourself how did this all start and what led up to it? You will end up spending hours, or perhaps even days, obsessing over the intent of the message or argument. You exhaust all of your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing AND it was pre-planned to be this way by the Narcissist – or how they manipulate you into this place. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but there is as far as it concerns the Narcissist that is controlling you.

Everything they have absorbed or learned about you is now being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to CHARM you because they know your likes, BUT they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no YOU in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!

So, what about these ridiculous and crazy arguments, etc. You could have NEVER kept up with the original conversation (or argument) in a realistic manner because it was basically nonsensical in your mind and had no basis of reality. But it served a purpose as far as the Narcissist is concerned to deflect from something or the other, or there was an agenda to it, or to demean and dehumanize you AND again, control, control, CONTROL. BUT, it served its purpose because it confounded or confused you and forced you to process the CRAZY information with no real success – or it deflected you AWAY from the truth as it concerns something or other that the Narcissist may have done. You will have many rebuttals going on in your head AFTER THE FACT because you feel a need to defend yourself or rationalize what happened. Basically, you are trying to fix the situation, but was it an argument because you really didn’t do anything but yet you feel like you did something, BUT WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DID??

BAM, this is exactly the place a Narcissist wants you to go to – total confusion and insanity. They have drawn from the vast wealth of knowledge they have gained from observing you and use it consistently to maneuver you into a place of confusion and isolation. There are many reasons behind each of these scenarios, but they are basically to manage you down and to control you. However, you will try to resolve this because you feel you need to address what happened and more than likely to defend yourself hoping for resolution but in the end, you’ll find that you are the person explaining yourself or apologizing. After a while these crazy arguments will have you stuck in confusion so much so that you have lost all perspective of your relationship, as well as your value in the relationship. You are always explaining yourself or responding to the Narcissist’s crazy making and never participating in a reciprocal or real conversation. You are being emotionally and psychologically abused!

What gets you there? The false connection or ‘con bond’ that this Narcissist created in the beginning. The one where you bonded with them and trusted them. More than likely you believe it is a real relationship and you LOVE them – but in any case, your emotions and heart are basically ruling and clouding your mind. The TRUTH – slowly but surely the Narcissist was tempering your emotions and love to disable you completely. This is a person that you explicitly trust, AND they care about or love you too (or so you believe,) so you put yourself into a place to always resolve these issues (as normal people do) so that you can continue with this amazing relationship. You believe that they will reciprocate in a healthy manner because they do care/love you, but unfortunately you are blind to the truth, so you fall into the trap and it becomes a dysfunctional habit.

This confusion will blind you to many other aspects of their abuse and the Narcissist walks all over your heart and imprisons your mind in the process. This is CONTROL and it will get worse over time and be more of a daily emotional beating meant to harm AND disable you completely. The WHY to all of this is because a Narcissist is severely defective and basically loathes people and life so they have to destroy the goodness that exists in us to justify their miserable existence? What kind of human could take another human to this place and WHY?

Even accountability as far as it concerns what they may have done to you, be it a huge lie, an affair or whatever will only end up at a dead end too. Whatever they may have done to you was done with intent no matter how it may have hurt you AND they just don’t care and feel justified in their actions. There is no real relationship or love as far as the Narcissist is concerned. They live in a amoral and out of control world and take whatever they can from people with NO CONCERN to the harm they inflict on anybody else. AGAIN, WE MUST UNDERSTAND that there is no real relationship with them! We BELIEVE there is BUT we are all just taking our turn as supply and even though we are their PRIMARY source that still doesn’t mean that it is real by any means. They probably have other relationships or supply on the side that we absolutely have no sense of. These are very dysfunctional individuals that grab at any opportunity to serve themselves. Our primary role is to serve them 24/7 as well as accept their psychopathy, their EVERY indiscretion, lies, betrayal, AND to accept the blame because you/we are not serving them COMPLETELY. No/minimal contact to end the chaos and achieve your freedom and start on your road to recovery! Greg

CLARITY to move forward! How is a Narcissist able to walk around in our world and get away with emotional and psychological murder?

CLARITY to move forward! How is a Narcissist able to walk around in our world and get away with emotional and psychological murder? Through their extreme Charm and Harm manipulation, OR the same way they manipulated you and I into believing in them. They control all people in the same manner and take it a step further by compartmentalizing people by THEIR needs. Nobody is the wiser to their many lies and facades.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists do not have ANY capacity to have healthy interactions with ANYBODY. They simply are not wired with the internal mechanisms to have these skills! How do they manage to imitate the normal human condition so well? Through observation and studying people and mimicking our behaviors. Again, they are basically predators that camouflage their true selves to remain undetected so they can con and then trap people into their world, otherwise their lack of emotions, empathy, compassion and everything else would scare people off. It is just a working façade for them to fit into society.

Narcissists are also very skilled in a manner to dissociate any real guilt or shame that they should feel about their betrayal, dehumanization and antisocial behaviors. This dissociation is like a force field that protects the Narcissist from seeing their real identity and realizing how cruel their actions actually are. This dissociation also prevents them from experiencing any guilt. Dissociation is a difficult concept to grasp and basically clinical in nature. It means to block out a thought or emotion and then projecting it onto and into someone else. In the real world we just say Narcissist DO NOT CARE and that is the basic reality with them. Watch them run off after they are exposed and start a whole new life again with new supply AND within days of ending their relationship with you. You will be blocked from their social networking sites, ostracized as being mentally insane, a liar, abusive to them, AND THEY HATE YOU. Just another HUGE wall they create to block how they abused another ‘ex!” They will even leave their biological children behind with a care!

OK so the nitty gritty to help you understand how a human being can be like this! Narcissists don’t live in the real world that you and I do. They live in their own world made up of fantasy, lies, delusions, deceit, and they lack any and all morals. They have their own ‘fantasy reality’ that everyone that has any part of their life must accept or they will be deemed crazy, punished, and even destroyed. They live in a world where they make up all the rules and then break all the rules. In this world everyone must think just like them or better yet approve everything that the Narcissist does without question or prejudice. If you are a part of their life you can never reflect anything that would reveal their true Identity or ask for accountability from them in ANY manner.

All of the Narcissist’s sins must be forgiven and accepted but YOU must be perfect and basically their servant and caretaker. Acceptance and adoration must be given to the Narcissist CONSTANTLY, but absolutely none is given to you in return. In their world ABUSE is how they reward your love and you must accept the abuse because that is all you are worthy of. You must support their deluded actions without blinking an eye, but if you breathe the wrong way you will be severely punished.

Living in their world will always involve gas-lighting, betrayal, pathological lying, isolation, triangulation, and extreme manipulation so they can keep their false identity in place. You constantly must tip toe around the Narcissist’s fragile ego to keep them happy so that their true identity and nature doesn’t rear its ugly face. Living in their world is like walking through a field of land mines or hidden bombs and you never know when they will explode but when they do the Narcissist is always there detonating them!

It is a distorted land of make believe and everything is fine as far as the Narcissist is concerned because it totally serves them. BUT it is a land of horrible secrets and painful lies for the victim. THE ONLY truth is a relative truth based on what YOU may believe the relationship really is or what you were conned into believing was real. YOUR relationship IS ONLY held together through fear, guilt, obligation and desperation – that and being a source of supply to this Narcissist until they find a replacement. This is a desperate love for you and a nonexistent love as it concerns a Narcissist because it is part of their working façade to ONLY pull you in and keep you as a source of supply until a better one comes along!

The Narcissist sabotages everything and everyone because NOBODY can be better or do better than the NARCISSIT! It is a place where your dreams will die quickly, and your self-esteem and self-worth die along with them. It is a place where caring, liking, or love does not exist at all! It doesn’t only occur in romantic relationships, it can be a family member, a friend, or even a boss, co-worker or somebody in your community – and a Narcissist will malign and severely damage everybody that has any sort of connection with them.

Suddenly after so much time together with this Narcissist your world is no longer the one you believed in. You question everyday reality, but most of all you question yourself. You wonder how you could have been so naive, foolish, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing, etc., etc. You were betrayed and duped in a hideous fashion by the great manipulator! It was just your turn to be a puppet for this Narcissist or replace old supply and shore up the Narcissists lies. You essentially became their safe haven after their last target/victim and just new supply.

YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns truth and reality in a very normal manner! BUT the Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through deception to make you BELIEVE they are like you in every way when they are the direct opposite and purely toxic. With all of their overt manipulation they make you believe they are so full of charm and love AND there is no reason NOT to reciprocate back with your love, devotion and TRUST. You see no other reason than to believe him/her because if the Narcissist acts like you (the NORMAL person), reciprocates by saying that he/she likes or loves you, then there is no reason not to believe him/her because in your past, people who acted in this manner and spoke these exact same words could be trusted. You only believed there was congruency or reality in the initial connection and you did what other normal people did and went with it because the Narcissist LIED so well and hid their secret perverted world from you! But not now because time has changed so many things. YOU TRUSTED THIS PERSON WITH YOUR LOVE!

Suddenly you learn that someone (the Narcissist) you trusted implicitly, be it a spouse, lover, family member, close friend, etc., has been putting you down, backstabbing you, lying, manipulating others against you, betraying you, and yet STILL maintaining a FALSE stance of intimacy, friendship, or LOVE with you. It is just impossible to understand because it is a horrendous betrayal, so your world becomes so unclear and now you have so much conflict and animosity about this.

Unfortunately, you are stuck between two worlds – one where you believed in their love and one where you see truth that it was a distorted love meant to harm you! A Narcissist loves to get into your head and gain control to satisfy their every need, then they enjoy devaluing you for letting them in and enjoy the process of the harm they inflict upon you. It is this power they love and need to survive.

There are so many areas of our lives that are impacted by the abuse that are so far reaching that it reached your deepest level of core beliefs and literally changes your identity! It is just never one area that is affected by this abuse, it is our emotional, spiritual, mental, and even our physical world that is seemingly altered forever! Each area requires its own recovery process and the reason why recovering takes a very long time, education, support, introspection and a STRONG will to get better – one in which you must completely purge this Narcissist out of your thoughts, heart, soul, and life forever. It all starts with no/minimal contact! Greg

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