Author Archives: ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse

Reactive Abuse from a Narcissist: A Narcissist always uses their toxic and abusive words to purposely create a negative reaction that they can turn around on their target/victim and use it against them!

Reactive Abuse from a Narcissist: A Narcissist always uses their toxic and abusive words to purposely create a negative reaction that they can turn around on their target/victim and use it against them! THEY are the abusers without a doubt but they bait us into nonsensical arguments – ones where they accuse us, maybe make fun of us, belittle us, malign us, etc. – so that WE react and then they call us the abuser!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in between with a Narcissist

Again, a Narcissist will always set this TRAP for their victim – and basically by pushing or better yet FORCING us into a corner so that we react and even verbally reply/lash back out to protect ourselves from something so toxic and negative that they have said to us – and what they say is always horrendous and shocking. It is that very reaction from us that they are looking for and baiting us into because they want to use it against us and makes US out to be the toxic person. They will then react to our reaction with pure intent, maybe with a sigh of pure disgust, act fearful of us, state how WE have hurt them, how we overreact, shame us and even blame us for starting an argument, or whatever they can muster up to pin this on you and I!

So what goes on in the omnipotent Narcissist’s distorted version of life? DIMINISHING THEIR VICTIM and they want them to feel isolated and insecure. There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment as it concerns any other human being on this planet because people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use and abuse, play with, and discard at will – and ‘in between’ they will completely manage their victim down in any way they can. It is a very controlled mechanism in their arsenal of abuse. Normal people respect all life but a Narcissist doesn’t deem life as worthy of THEIR respect – it is there for them to use and manipulate. So, by treating others as unworthy the Narcissist is acting as if they are beneath reprieve for their actions, and we are totally insignificant, very disposable and infinitely less important than the all-important Narcissist or we DESERVE this treatment!

A Narcissist has no more regard for us than a person that steps on and squashes a poor bug that is minding its own bug-business on the ground. Basically and unequivocally we are nothing and the Narcissist is everything in their world and at all costs, even if it means total destruction of an individual OR squashing us like that poor bug! They will even step up their game by making a person feel physically unattractive by making fun of them and backing it up with FALSE testimony from friends, family, co-workers, etc., again – NONE of which is true.

Let’s take it a step further – and to another level of how they malign us through their ‘CON BOND’ with us. IF you believe in their sincerity or participate in any of their ‘poison laced conversations’ you are allowing a Narcissist to access your mind and uncover your deepest and darkest secrets and insecurities AND they will exploit them completely at a future time, but always under the guise of concern and caring to exploit those very secrets. They will even fuel a conversation to manipulate you into ‘providing’ personal information about yourself, a situation, or a familiar person to extort the knowledge and use it against you. Narcissists are backstabbers pure and simple!

What is carefully hidden under their ‘fake’ empathy is an agenda to manipulate and exploit those weaknesses and use them against you in any number of different ways. They will call upon this personal information AT ANY TIME to dehumanize you and invalidate you USING those thoughts that you genuinely trusted them with. They will take those ‘innermost thoughts and secrets’ and make themselves ‘in the know’ about your private and personal life issues with ‘others.” They will run with this information and negatively triangulate with friends, family, your boss, and co-workers with that ‘very personal’ information they have gained through sharing your private concerns with them. It is natural to vent with the person you love or trust, but NEVER with a Narcissist because they will use it against you. Give them a little bit of information and they will find out everything and anything connected to it that they can use against you – and they are very shrewd and sneaky about it – you won’t know what hit you. They are ALWAYS looking for that ‘in’ to manage a person down! Most importantly is understanding that this is not ANY type of love, caring, friendship, or relationship – it is subjugation and abuse. No/minimal contact ALWAYS. Greg

What is really behind that mask – the one that charmed us, or the one that we fell for either in friendship, a family connection, OR fell in love with?

What is really behind that mask – the one that charmed us, or the one that we fell for either in friendship, a family connection, OR fell in love with?

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist!

A little more education with some of the “proto-types” or descriptions of various avenues the Narcissist uses to control and gain power over us and essentially abuse us — they can be one or all of them because they are interchangeable based on their needs!

1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR is skillfully deceptive and very convincing. Avoids accountability by diverting topics, dodging questions, and making up new lies, they bluff or threaten us when questioned. Their memory is self-serving as they deny past statements and even re-write history. Constant chaos and diverting from reality is their chosen environment.

2. THE CON ARTIST agrees to most anything to pull you in, but then turns around and does the direct opposite or NEVER follows up on anything. Marriage, legal, custody agreements, normal social/personal protocol is meaningless. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract breaker always dodging personal accountability for ANYTHING. Enjoys orchestrating legal action, threatening to call the police ALWAYS, and playing the role of the ‘poor me’ victim that is harassed by us.

3. THE ‘CLIMBING LADDER’ NARCISSIST (usually at work) successfully plows and backstabs their way to the top. Their family is a disposable prop in their success facade. They are charismatic, eloquent and intelligent in their field, but often fake their abilities and credentials. Needs to have complete control, relying on their manipulation skills and threats. Will ruthlessly support, exploit or target others in pursuit of their ever-changing agenda. They mercilessly abuse the power of their position. Uses treachery or terrorism to rule or govern. Potential problem or failure situations are delegated to others. They are a vindictive and a bully in the office with no social or personal conscience – they are often suspicious and paranoid. Disappears quickly when consequences surround them. There is low job satisfaction and high rate of employee loss when this Narcissist is present in a work environment, organization, or a group setting.

4. THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Anything, anyone, young, old, male/female, are there for their gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for “rough” or deviant sexuality. Often easily bored, they demand increasingly deviant stimulation with anyone willing, even strangers. However, another behavior exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support. They will project their behaviors onto YOU as in being the “perverse” and deviant one in the relationship and often ACCUSE you of these behaviors to others!

5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. Blames others for their failures and circumstances. A master at projection.

6. THE ANGRY NARCISSIST has a huge ‘chip on their shoulder’ attitude. They lash out and destroy or use others as scapegoats for his/her aggression or revenge. They have poor impulse control. Fearless and guiltless, they show bad judgment. He/she will harass and push to make you pay attention to them and get a reaction. He/she will try to make you look as if you are out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable. Has no remorse or regard for the rights of others.

7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his/her allies and targets separated. They are verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his/her way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often their objective and mostly other people’s money is. He/she is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you isolated and dependent on them but they will act completely independent of you as far as a real commitment or satisfying any of your needs. We rush in to help him/her with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as their proxy interacting with others on their behalf as he/she sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance (triangulation, back-stabbing, smear campaign) he/she is directing.

8. THE SUBSTANCE ABUSER Alcohol, drugs, you name it, and this Narcissist does it. We see his/her over-indulgence in food, exercise or sex and their need for instant gratification or out-of-control habits to satisfy their addictions.

9. OUR PERFECT “SOUL MATE” is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He/she will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He/she seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He/she admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He/she wants to marry us quickly. He/she will fake integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his/her ‘idealization’ of the “us” phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His/her discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. He/she will very much enjoy the double-dipping attention he/she gets by cheating. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he/she attaches to a “new perfect soul mate” (they never are perfect just new supply to abuse.) He/she is an opportunistic parasite. Our “Knight in Shining Armor” or “Perfect Princess” has become our nightmare. Healing is lengthy from this psychological terrorist.

10. THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn, often the “woe-be-me” and sympathy seeking Narcissist. Sometimes they can be a hypochondriac with near life-threatening illnesses used as a means to gain sympathy or always have family members or close friends that have serious health issues also. They use this as a disguise to appear pitiful to obtain whatever they can.

11. THE SADISTIC NARCISSIST. Their objective is watching us suffer as he/she inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty. Their enjoyment is all too obvious. He/she will be back for more. Their pleasure is in getting away with whatever they can especially when someone is vulnerable.

12. THE ‘ANGRY RAGER’ flies off the handle with little or no provocation. Has a severely disproportionate overreaction and childish tantrums. His/her rage can be intimidating. He/she wants control, attention and compliance. In our hurt and confusion, we struggle to make things right. Any reaction is his/her payoff. He/she seeks either good or bad attention. Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name calling, making fun – hatred are his/her objectives. If he/she can get attention by cruelty he/she will do so.

13. THE MANIPULATOR AND BRAINWASHER is very charismatic. He/she is able to manipulate others to obtain status, control, compliance, money, attention. Often, they hide behind religion and or political agendas to look like a caring and moral person. He/she masterfully targets individuals or groups to gain notoriety with their false beliefs.

14. THE RISKY NARCISSIST. Poor impulse control is their hallmark. Failed marriages, relationships, and enemies seem to loom all through their past – but they are always the victim!

15. THE JEALOUS/PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if he/she anticipates exposure or abandonment.

16. THE BLOWHARD AND BRAGGER will flaunt his/her ‘toys’, their children, their wife/husband, his/her credentials and accomplishments. Admiration, attention, even glances from others, our envy or our fear is their prime objective. He/she is never satisfied. We see his/her arrogance and haughty strut as they demand center stage. He/she will alter his/her mask at will to appear pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned, or haughty and superior. Appears to be perfect mother/father, wife/husband, and friend – to those outside his/her home – it is all part of their extreme manipulation. Behind closed doors the monster reveals his/her destructive self.

17. THE EMPATHY FAKER. We learn his/her lack of empathy. He/she has deceived us by his/her cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his/her cold vacant eyes as well as actions. Those closest to him/her become objectified and expendable. Therapy doesn’t help because they can deceive trained professionals.

18. THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST proclaims high moral standing. Accuses others of immorality and the sad aspect of this is that this Narcissist is the most immoral person conceivable. They condemn others for their immoral actions and preach openly about their disdain they have for anyone that acts in this manner. This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes, corrupts, abuses, deceives, controls, manipulates and torments while portraying high morals.

19. THE SUBTLE AND TAUNTING NARCISSIST forewarns his/her targets. Early in the relationship he/she may ‘slip up’ revealing his/her nature saying, “You need to protect yourself around me” or “Watch out, you never know what I’m up to” or “I was at a wild sex party last night.” We laugh along with them and misinterpret his/her words. We find out after the fact or years later that these words were warnings of this Narcissist revealing a LITTLE truth of what they are actually about or very capable of being. It is as if they start us out with a little bit of their taunting to start the debasing process. Really it was a chilling warning and reality!

20. THE “I’M SORRY” NARCISSIST says “I’ve behaved horribly, I’ll change, I love you, I’ll go for therapy, I’m sorry!” Appears to ‘come clean’ admitting past abuse and asking forgiveness. Claims we are at fault and need to change too. The sincerity of his/her words and actions appear convincing. We learn his/her words are verbal hooks to pull us back into the abuse. He/she knows your vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. We question our judgment about his/her disorder. We can disregard “Fool me once.” We hope for change and even minimize past abuse. With a successful retargeting attempt, this Narcissist will enjoy his/her second reign of terror even more if you allow them back in your life.

YOUR DEFENSE STRATEGY – No contact, education about this personality disorder, a group therapy type structure to validate your questions and concerns about your personal situation, professional therapy with a therapist that is educated in this type of abuse (ask for credentials first), support people that will provide unconditional support and love through the recovery process, life-building skills to regain your spirit and self-esteem, setting up personal boundaries to recognize when you are in the presence of toxic people so you can move away from their negative influence, and TIME to properly heal. My Narcissist gets 20 out of 20 – seriously!!! This is their game and the only way out is to stop playing. No/minimal contact! Greg

We are only an investment to the Narcissist that they want a return from.

We are an ONLY an investment to a Narcissist and they work hard to keep their return (you and I) providing them with supply. But the work or investing in us isn’t anything near a real relationship – it is about keeping us in line or controlled to get the most they can until they find another source. When we stop giving them what they want and they lose control over their investment – then we see that horrendous toxicity appear.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Being amoral or just numb to the existence of morality as far as the Narcissist’s life is concerned is based solely on what the Narcissist wants and that involves controlling all of their victims to get it. It is like a cantankerous, irrational three-year-old child throwing a tantrum if they don’t get their way. The Narcissist never gives up the argument. That Narcissist is standing there in front of you to win. If you engage the Narcissist, he/she will pull you down to their level. Keep engaging in an argument with a Narcissist and he/she brings it down to another level, and another level AND to a level lower than you care to stoop to, so you just stop then and there because it is just futile to go on anymore. The Narcissist has no self-respect, and behaving this way is not beneath them because it is part of their agenda

They don’t stop there because they will pull in their minions to fight their fight! In all honesty the Narcissist has the mentality of a playground bully. They will incorporate other kids that are weaker and smaller than them with threats to join in on their imaginary fights or else. There will always be someone that asserts their individuality in the playground and that Narcissist will gang up on and harm whomever with the help of their little gang. Be assured you will be run off of that playground just for being you and not buying into the Narcissistic bullying, control, dysfunction and games. You may even get the Narcissist’s Mommy knocking at your door and really get in trouble. They play their control games to win.

But, no matter how big a lie or how big a fit the Narcissist throws if you allow it you are enabling the Narcissist’s lies, manipulation and CONTROL and that is a huge mistake no matter what the cost is to you otherwise. It facilitates the Narcissist’s delusions, and it gives them a power rush and that CONTROL they desperately need. Thus the Narcissists is cramming his/her delusion through insults to your intelligence down your throat. You are spoiling that Narcissistic brat/bully and allowing the monster to grow and take over completely. Unfortunately people make this mistake because of the Narcissists GOOD qualities that preempted the appearance of this raging bully.

The Narcissist makes an investment based on people whose role is designed to applaud, admire, adore, approve and attend to the narcissist’s every need. Extracting this Narcissistic Supply from them calls for emotional and cognitive investments from supply to lock them in. In turn it provides the Narcissist stability, perseverance, long-term presence, attachment, forced collaboration, unreal emotional agility (Narcissist fakes this), and people skills and so on and so forth – it makes them seem real to us and the world. Unfortunately, nobody can be held to the Narcissists rigid standards and we all fall short of their expectations and graces far too easily. We can’t live life as a statue for the Narcissist to adorn his/her façade, because we live, breath and think as an individual human being in a world where interactions are real. Everyone has an expiration date with a Narcissist. No/minimal contact to start on your journey to recovery. Greg

We have spent too much time dodging their bullets and sheer survival has forced us to expend a lot of energy in trying to make sense out of the rantings and chaos of a disordered individual or a Narcissist.

We have spent too much time dodging their bullets and sheer survival has forced us to expend a lot of energy in trying to make sense out of the rantings and chaos of a disordered individual or a Narcissist. We could never dodge all of those bullets so we were really only a target with a big bull’s eye on our back from the very first day we met them. A little education on Narcissism 101.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Do you go out of your way to keep your Narcissist happy and deliberately try to avoid angering him/her – even at great cost to yourself? If you said yes you are being ruled by fear and being controlled. Ultimately this is the Narcissist’s key strategy and that is maintaining control because as long as you are too scared to speak up, or express yourself in ANY manner or feel that you can’t react to anything this Narcissist says or does – you have no voice. When you have no voice, you have no say and you have no ability to think or process or to live as a “normal” individual in your relationship – you are more or less an object that serves a purpose. While you have no say, they can do exactly as they please and they can even legitimately claim that you never objected and make you out to be the disordered creature that they are through an arsenal of tools to debase your whole life!

When you are out of the fog and away from the abuse it becomes very clear how delusional they are as well as how their psychopathy comes into play to control their victims. Here are some of the basics that are out there in many variations BUT in my own words:

• Raging at you – if you question them concerning accountability or don’t agree with something they say or do, they rage. After a while you just accept your place of silence to avoid any more conflict because once they start raging they just don’t stop. I dealt with this rage so much that I would just sit there and hope that this Narcissist would wear themselves out and stop. Replying only outraged this Narcissist more and more. Unfortunately, this became ‘my normal’ and I was eternally walking on those eggshells.

• Re-writing history – lying to change the truth and make you out to seem forgetful, OR you are lying and the one changing the story, or mentally ill and incapable of having a normal functioning brain. They can literally say one thing and within minutes say the direct opposite of what they said and deny it.

• Non-sense arguing – arguments that come out of the blue that have no merit, or arguments from out of the past that they re-ignite to create chaos and keep you dancing to the tune of their chaos and control.

• Gas-lighting – this is the sign of their psychopathy for sure. They create situations to make you BELIEVE that you have issues with your own mental health. It is done in a manner to set you up to believe in something they say or do, and then what they said or did is denied to make you believe you are losing your own cognizant ability of processing daily life. It could even be physically hiding something from you to make you feel like you are very forgetful.

• Manipulation – they will take a situation and turn it inside out to drain it of any goodness and make the situation wrong and turn it on YOU. That is the motivation of manipulating you – or to basically debase you in some manner. It can be as subtle as NOT saying thank you for something you did for them that was nice or ignoring your efforts. Another example is if you ask them if they like something you did for them because they are not acknowledging your efforts at all, they will accuse you of fishing for compliments, say that they never asked you to do this for them, you are trying to buy their love, and you are obsessed with them. No you are being conditioned to give more and more because there is no manner in which you can please them so you try anything and everything and that blows up in your face.

• Enlisting real or fake minions – this is like the bully at school that gangs up on the unsuspecting target with the support of their followers. Generally, these minions are not physically there with the Narcissist and reinforcing what the Narcissist says, instead you are TOLD that “certain people” or a buddy of the Narcissist said “this, that, and what not” about you in a manner that they are concerned as to your mental health or whatever they decide will make you out to be deserving of some sort of destructive criticism. They do “employ” weak people to act out against you as well – but again who would intentionally defend the Narcissist’s backstabbing without even knowing the target/victim the Narcissist is attacking – only a disordered person with little or no self-esteem.

• Taunting threats – this was a favorite of my Narcissist. When I would remain silent that would even backfire on me, so the argument would switch over to threats to enlist a sense of insecurity as far as the relationship was concerned. After I would be silenced and the Narcissist had a free weekend to secure sexual supply I was taunted with it in a manner to punish me to further drive the point home or control me even in my silence for not reacting enough to the original argument. My Narcissist would state they met someone that was perfect for them and they could possibly be “the new love of their life.” After all was said and done my Narcissist would say they made it up because they wanted to show me how uncaring I was – funny way to do it! They really know how to work an argument to get the most out of it to punish us.

• One-up-man-ship – this is when the Narcissist feels very insecure about your accomplishments, or for any acts of goodness that is just a part of your daily life with them as far as something you do out of care. You are not shoving anything in their face as if you are bragging BUT they are acting out of their perpetual envy and will attack your virtues to knock you down a few pegs to feed their internal insecurities. More managing down!

• Stone faced stares – you will be speaking and sharing in the normal manner that humans do and the Narcissist is sitting there and staring you down with an emotionless face. They don’t react or join in on the conversation and you are left there hanging and feel that you are inconsequential as far as a viable person in their lives. BUT when they have something they want to say there is no end to it and YOU better be listening intently!

• The hypochondriac Narcissist – quite simply they are always sick and simulating some life threatening disease to evoke pity and for us to care for them more, give them more, and wait on them hand and foot. Sometimes it can be that if YOU get a cold they end up being deathly sick with pneumonia!

• It’s all about me, me, ME – quite honestly this completely defines the Narcissist but it is also the manipulative arguments and statements that are used to get us to think we are NOT doing enough, or NOT caring enough, not engaging them enough, or NOT loving them enough. They can even use this as an excuse as to why they stray away from the relationship from time to time. We just NEVER UNDERSTAND what we do to them that has them feeling so unloved (just another ploy to get attention). YES, this was very true for me because I never understood what it was that I was constantly doing wrong. In fact, I wasn’t doing anything wrong except for staying in an abusive relationship.

• Triangulation – purposely using common information they have ABSORBED from being in our company and twisting it around in a devious manner to use against us and turn others against us. They use the familiarity from knowing us and then they seem like they are ‘in the know’ when they start triangulating. That little bit of truth they gained from us gets exploited!

• Back-stabbing – this sort of goes hand in hand with triangulation, but its sole purpose is to create dysfunction around us to get the people that we love/like and associate with to believe we are the “real problem”. Basically, as it states they talk behind our backs to those closest to us setting the stage for the discard and ‘smear campaign!’ They are always ten steps ahead of the game.

• Smear campaign – this is the Narcissist setting up their final farewell to us by contacting everybody of influence in your life and destroying your integrity and damaging your life. They want us to feel vulnerable and afraid of what they can and will do. You can’t fight a coward that attacks your virtue and integrity with insidious lies behind your back. The damage is done and you are damned if you do or damned if you don’t respond to the smear campaign. This gives them the time to run off while we are left vulnerable with the mess they have created for us – and YES, we end up looking like we were the problem and even crazy!

• Denial – complete disassociation with the truth around any and all reality, in all situations – it is like their life is one diversion after another.

• Projection – transferring what they are feeling or doing onto a target. Not anything that can be considered positive, mostly something negative they have done like having an affair and stating it is YOU that had the affair, or you are the liar, or your family hates you, or you are the thief, etc. In essence making us out to be as disordered as they are, but they transfer it to us to ceremoniously cleanse themselves of their disordered life and actions.

These are some of the general day to day actions to keep use managed down, always explaining ourselves, fearful, feeling worthless and again walking on those eggshells. These tactics amount to control which equates to the Narcissist trying to gain power over us. So, what is important here is to understand these very tactics as well as the many other ones that they use to debase us, dehumanize us and destroy us. It is the sickness AND delusion that goes hand in hand with this psychological abuse. It is a pattern that the Narcissist follows to destroy our self-worth as well as extort our lives. It is the Narcissist projecting their dysfunctional life onto us to release from any accountably of just how disordered they are but making us accept the shame and blame for their out-of-control life through projection – and they punish us for what they are. It is psychological terrorism meant to inflict as much damage on any person that accepts or allows them to be part of their life and if possible destroy us in the process as if we deserve it. They have to use this power over their targets/victims to get their supply to survive. Memorize these so that if and when the time ever comes that you have to deal with a Narcissist you know that YOU can shut them down by disallowing them to use ANY of their strong-armed tactics to create that emotional chaos.

They wrote our part in this elaborate lie so we fit into their delusional world using our good qualities to hide their deceptive world as they do with every other person they have abused because they are not fully functioning human beings. They need our lives and our families to hide behind and make themselves look as near to normal as they can get because everything in their past is a void of emptiness.

They are historians that re-write history and distort reality so that they believe that THEY are the normal one, the savior, the target/victim, and the persecuted one and then they walk away with their distorted integrity to use and con another unsuspecting victim into their web of lies and deceit. It is all OK with them because they dispel the abuse by projecting their psychopathy onto everybody else – Narcissist are perpetual blamers and victims – it is NEVER their fault.

This is the cycle of abuse and the arsenal of tools that a Narcissist uses with the biggest lie being the mask of gold they wear laden with the charm and morality that they profess they have. It is only a flimsy mask of lies that slips off easily and reveals the dark truth. Unfortunately, they don’t come to us with a warning label, instead they come to us with an imitation of love to gain our trust and then they enter our heads to dismantle our spirit and integrity so they can extort every aspect of our life and love. Once they have drained us of our life force they move onto the next person to extort.

Our downfall however is that we are NORMAL and hopeless romantics as well as dreamers looking for the same thing everyone else does – love and security with a partner. We believe in fairy tales and happy endings but a Narcissistic partner is the nightmare that you wake up with in a sweat AND as if you have to run for your life. That nightmare changes us and damages our belief system, integrity, self-esteem and causes psychological damage. We desperately wanted to believe them because admitting that it was all a lie shattered a dream that we all wanted and spent too many years believing and trying to fix. The dream is all you’ve ever had and they took that away from you and made you feel wrong as if you NEVER deserved it or to even be loved. There was never a relationship or anything remotely near it. Now you fear your very soul is dying because it becomes all too clear that that you lost precious parts of your life at the hands of a con artist and a destructive and perverse creature that made you believe you are worthless. Your loss is great in every area of your life and you are left to pick up the many pieces of the shattered life and destruction they have left behind for you as they ran off like the out-of-control coward they are. But your soul hasn’t died nor has your belief system been destroyed or your spirit taken away – it along with every day you spent with this Narcissist was manipulated and buried in the darkness of their disordered and perverse world. That spirit is just hiding and will come back to you with time and clarity! Remember though, every time that you believe their empty lies, you are giving them permission to continue. The truth will light the way back to the good world you once knew. Never forget the amazing person you were and still are AND never give it up because of this abuse! No/minimal contact to start on the journey to clarity. Greg

With every other manipulative and destructive tool the Narcissist uses, they intentionally and consistently BLAME us for everything/anything to keep us in that distorted fog of constant confusion and control – or locked up in our minds and hearts trying to figure out what is wrong, and how to fix this.

With every other manipulative and destructive tool the Narcissist uses, they intentionally and consistently BLAME us for everything/anything to keep us in that distorted fog of constant confusion and control – or locked up in our minds and hearts trying to figure out what is wrong, and how to fix this. There is no fix except to get out completely! Remember that everything a Narcissist does is done to make their victim react – there is no substance JUST AN AGENDA to get something.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The reality of what they really are and what they do to malign people:

A Narcissist lacks all social graces in the most extreme ways because underneath their ‘seductive’ façade, they don’t honor any human rights, any standard, respect individuality, have integrity, or obey any written law. They live life in an extremely pathological and abusive manner.

They imitate a functioning human being and take everything they want and need through some extreme and manipulative methods. They also get bored easily with their conquests SINCE they lack the mechanisms to form healthy bonds (and decisions), so they STRAY very easily to keep the excitement and adulation flowing in their world. Now it is bad enough they are life’s extortionist, but they also seem to loathe all healthy loving people that would dare express their individuality, question them or demand accountability, so they lose their patience with us quickly and psychologically attack our minds in an effort to destroy our life as we know it.

Like any other bully you have to disengage from the Narcissist because if you don’t, they will only attack you in unimaginable ways to destroy your integrity as well as your life. They have to win the battle they have with life, people and essentially the WHOLE world! You will ‘seemingly’ end up being the crazy one and the abuser because they will make you out to be everything bad/wrong just like a psycho bully would react to remove any blame from themselves and pass it onto you, basically their back-stabbing and smear campaign.

Not a very pretty package at all. Just always remember, you haven’t done ANYTHING wrong to deserve this because they don’t function like other human beings. They don’t even have a clue what liking, caring or LOVING is so they live without it by pretending they know it, but you CAN’T pretend to love especially when you have no empathy or morals, and it catches up with the Narcissist very quickly because they are so ‘out of control’ and careless.

What it boils down to: Narcissists relate to other human beings as objects. You know objects, the things to use and ab-use for self-serving purposes. Things that have no rights, things that are inanimate, things that have no feelings. Perhaps a good example would be like a tool that performs a certain function, and we are just one of MANY of these “tools” that they USE. NO/MININAL CONTACT. Greg

With a Narcissist, you are stuck between two worlds – the emotional one where you believe in their love and the debilitating one where you see the truth that this is a distorted and destructive love that is harming you.

With a Narcissist, you are stuck between two worlds – the emotional one where you believe in their love and the debilitating one where you see the truth that this is a distorted and destructive love that is harming you.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

A Narcissist loves to get into your head and gain control to satisfy their every need, then they enjoy devaluing you for letting them in and enjoy the process of the harm they inflict upon you. It is this power and control they love AND supply or objectifying people to satisfy their every need. The Narcissist is so deeply invested in his/her image and will do whatever it takes to protect themselves from exposure. Their actions are so extreme to maintain their false illusions they have created and it becomes a matter of self-preservation and the Narcissist will think nothing of destroying your self-esteem, self-worth, reputation and integrity to protect themselves. Their lies catch up with them eventually and we end up in the trash heap with every other target/victim that dared demand accountability. This IS THE FATE of every relationship with a Narcissist. They are very calculating and exacting at retaining their ability to survive as the predator they are so they can continue to find prey. It is a matter of survival, otherwise if their true distorted personality were apparent they would be like a fish out of water (a shark.)

Of course it goes without saying that all of their distorted efforts or the many secrets, lies and deceptions that support their lifestyle make it impossible for a person to sustain any sort of an emotional bond or a REAL relationship with them. This is due to the fact that the many lies pile up to a point that they take on a life of their own that eventually becomes so apparent to the target/victim. In other words, the Narcissist is never that adept to cover up their reality because it is just too distorted for them to maintain any semblance of a relationship with anybody. They are SO out of control and careless that they can’t keep up with their own lies with any one person. They can fake it for as long as we BELIEVE them, but in time the truth lights the way and their honorable mask falls off and shatters from the many lies that weight it down! But again, they will use horrid manipulation to make you fear their retribution and keep you strung along in their abuse until they are DONE with you.

Narcissists do not have ANY capacity to have healthy interactions with ANYBODY because they dissociate with any internal empathy, emotions or a real persona. They simply are not wired with the internal mechanisms to have these skills! How do they manage to imitate the normal human condition so well? Through observation and studying people and mimicking our behaviors. Again, they are predators that must camouflage themselves to remain undetected so they can trap their prey. SO, what better way for a Narcissist to fit in by imitating OUR healthy lifestyle. Think of the criminal that will case out a bank finding weaknesses, the vault, and the escape route before they break in.

Narcissist are also very skilled in a manner to dissociate any real guilt or shame that they should feel about their betrayal, dehumanization as well as the harm they inflict on people. This dissociation is like a force field that protects the Narcissist from seeing their real identity and realizing how cruel their actions actually are – let’s just call it what it is denial. This dissociation also prevents them from experiencing any guilt. Dissociation is a difficult concept to grasp and basically clinical in nature. It means to block out a thought, action, or emotion. In the real world, we just say Narcissists DO NOT CARE and that is the basic reality with them. Watch them run off after they are exposed and start a whole new life again with new supply AND within days of ending their relationship with you. You will be blocked from their Facebook account, ostracized as being mentally insane, a liar, abusive to them, AND THEY HATE YOU. Just another HUGE wall they create to HIDE how they abused another person so they can keep abusing more targets to get the supply they desperately need in life. Perhaps we should call them out as the predators that they really are!

OK so the nitty gritty to help you understand how a human being can be like this! Narcissists don’t live in the real world OR a real world. They live in their own world made up of fantasy, lies, delusions, deceit, and perversion. They have their own reality that everyone that has any part of their life must accept or they will be deemed crazy, punished, and even destroyed. They live in a world where they make up all the rules and then break all the rules. In this world, everyone must think just like them or better yet approve everything that the Narcissist does without question or prejudice. If you are a part of their life you can never reflect anything that would reveal their true identity or ask them for accountability about anything or they will turn it back onto you with blame and shame. I guess this could define a dicatator!

All of the Narcissist’s sins must be forgiven and accepted but YOU must be perfect and basically their servant and caretaker. Acceptance and adoration must be given to the Narcissist CONSTANTLY, but absolutely none is given to you in return. In their world ABUSE is how they show love and you must accept the abuse because that is all you are worthy of. You must support their deluded actions without blinking an eye, but if you breathe wrong you will be severely punished.

Living in their world will always involve gas-lighting, betrayal, pathological lying, isolation, triangulation, and extreme manipulation so they can keep their false identity in place. You constantly have to tiptoe around the Narcissist’s fragile ego to keep them happy so that their true identity and nature doesn’t rear its ugly and destructive face. Living in their world is like walking through a field of hidden bombs and you never know when they will explode but when they do the Narcissist is always there in the shadows detonating them!

It is in reality a distorted land of make believe and everything is fine as far as the Narcissist is concerned because it totally serves them. BUT it is a land of horrible secrets and painful lies. THE ONLY truth is a relative truth based on what YOU may believe the relationship really is. YOUR relationship IS ONLY held together through fear, guilt and obligation – that and being a source of supply to this Narcissist until they find a replacement.

The Narcissist sabotages everything and everyone because NOBODY can be better or do better than the NARCISSIT! It is a place where your dreams will die quickly and your self-esteem and self-worth die along with them. It is a place where love does not exist at all and hurt and pain prevail for the victim!

Suddenly after so much time together with this Narcissist your world is no longer the one you believed in. You question everyday reality, but most of all you question yourself. You wonder how you could have been so naive, foolish, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing, etc., etc. You were betrayed and duped in a hideous fashion by the great manipulator! It was just your turn to replace old supply and shore up the Narcissists lies. You essentially became their safe haven after their last target/victim and just new supply. Don’t blame yourself for their abuse because NOBODY deserves this type of abuse for ANY reason.

YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns reality in a very normal manner! The Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through extreme deception to make you BELIEVE they are like you in every way BUT they are the direct opposite and purely toxic. With all of their overt manipulation they make you believe they are so full of charm and love AND there is no reason NOT to reciprocate back with your love, devotion and TRUST. You see no other reason than to believe him/her because if the Narcissist acts like you (the NORMAL person), reciprocates by saying that he/she likes or loves you, then there is no reason not to believe him/her because in your past people that acted in this manner and spoke these exact same words could be trusted. You only believed there was congruency or reality in the initial connection and you did what other normal people did and went with it because the Narcissist LIED so well and hid their secret perverted world from you! But not now because time has changed so many things and all you see is desperation and pain.

Suddenly you learn that someone (the Narcissist) you trusted implicitly, be it a spouse, lover, family member, close friend, etc., has been putting you down, backstabbing you, lying, manipulating others against you, betraying you, and yet STILL maintaining a FALSE stance of intimacy, friendship or LOVE with you. It is just impossible to understand because it is a horrendous betrayal, so your world becomes so unclear and now you have so much conflict and animosity about this.

Unfortunately, you are stuck between two worlds – one where you believed in their love and one where you see truth that it was distorted love meant to harm you! A Narcissist loves to get into your head and gain control to satisfy their every need, then they enjoy devaluing you for letting them in and enjoy the process of the harm they inflict upon you. It is this power and control they love.

There are so many areas of our lives that are impacted by the abuse that are so far reaching that it disables the deepest level of your core beliefs and literally changes your identity! It is just never one area that is affected by this abuse, it is our emotional, spiritual, mental, and even our physical world that is seemingly altered forever! Each area requires its own recovery process and the reason why recovering takes a very long time.

Life circumstances will naturally draw you back into the trauma. Something will trigger a horrendous memory and we relive those moments where we were horribly betrayed and taunted by this Narcissistic terrorist who conned us into believing they loved us to extort our life through their cruel and distorted love. There will be those triggers all around us that reignite the trauma from the abuse and we will either run from these situations or put up huge walls to avoid personal contact to avoid being hurt again! It may affect your future relationships and you only question what YOU did wrong and reinforce what the Narcissist told you and that is you were damaged and will always be alone. It is a fear of the hold they still have on you AND our future because of the heinous psychological rape they inflicted on our minds. They are like a ghost that constantly haunts us and reminds us that evil exists out there and almost destroyed us. There is no real closure other than accepting the reality that they are abusers and you were abused by a personality disordered person.

You will more than likely hear that this Narcissist is with someone new and right back to their old tricks and getting away with their abusive crimes again. You may also hear that the Narcissist is succeeding somehow and even believe that this Narcissist is doing so much better than you! No this is the travesty of this abuse and how it has stolen your reasoning and belief system and replaced it with the darkness of a Narcissist. This is not reality – it is the abuse foreshadowing your attempts to think normally and break free. Years of being managed down and abuse has made you vulnerable to returning to a good and normal life that you REALLY deserve and one that is not meant to harm you. A Narcissist is never in a BETTER place, happy, in love, or any of the above – they are abusers and lifeless so they have only found someone new to USE, extort, and objectify – THAT is how they survive or like a tick that needs to feed off of another living organism to survive!

Recovery requires a complete indulgence and openness to look inward. It is a process that requires education, introspection, spirituality, voicing your fears, connecting with other targets/survivors, and a therapist if possible. You MUST totally acknowledge the truth about this person you loved and that is that they are an abuser, psychological terrorist, and psychological rapist. The process begins when you say no to the negative messages left behind and open your ears and eyes to a new life that seeks out true goodness because it is still there where it always was. Finally, you must put the Narcissist away forever because there is absolutely nothing that you need to connect with as far as it concerns them. That means any memories or any other thought about them! The wounds will turn into scars and you will come out of this with new boundaries, a new voice and your old belief system back in place but so much stronger. DON’T allow them to have a hold on your complete future! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

Those Narcissistic standards.

Those Narcissistic STANDARDS! If it wasn’t for DOUBLE standards – narcissists wouldn’t have ANY standards at all!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist considers him/herself above all of the norms of goodness – it is just a TOOL to use if they want something from somebody – other than that it does NOT exist in their world. They elude or defer away from the fact that any of their action’s borderline being outright cruel/evil toward others. That is the double-edged sword that they attack the world with – conning people into believing they are a saint when in fact they are the complete opposite and lack all morals and integrity as it concerns life and people. The truth is that their lives are all about double standards or what serves them at ANY GIVEN MOMENT. For example, a Narcissist will stand tall and preach about morality as if all cheaters should burn twice in hell, but as he/she is giving their lecture from the pulpit they are also surveying the room to find a little extra supply to have on the side for themselves. But the Narcissist is not a cheater in their mind – they are DESERVING to omit themselves from morality because they are special and above reprise for THEIR actions in life – again all double-standards, and no rules or laws that they abide by.

Narcissists do not see themselves as the pathological and destructive person that lives their entire life like a parasite using and taking advantage of others, objectifying people, maligning people, and then moving on once they have been emotionally/physically drained and damaged the person that was their target. Nor does the Narcissist see how flimsy their thin veneer of lies, and false credentials are – because they just don’t care nor have the ability to. No instead the Narcissist will project their false image and describe themselves as a hero of sorts or even a saint as far as it concerns humanity and their role here on earth! Well this is part of their disordered and damaged self that enables the Narcissist to live in complete denial of the damage they inflict on people’s lives. are no written laws, rules or regulations that a Narcissist will follow.

They are in COMPLETE denial of their false lives! They have absolutely no notion or care as it concerns right and wrong or truth and lies. We are all potential participants that they will try to maneuver into their big scam and con of life – and very disposable to them once they have gotten what they want. We must gain clarity so that we can come out of the illusion they have created and stop believing in anything about them and put our energy back into ourselves to heal and move forward. Knowledge is power and once we get there WE must discard that Narcissist forever and never look back! Greg

With a Narcissist every single word or action is designed to serve a purpose or a need – you must never forget this and be conned or tricked by them ever again!

With a Narcissist every single word or action is designed to serve a purpose or a need – you must never forget this and be conned or tricked by them ever again!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Lies and distortions of the truth are the ‘NORM’ for the Narcissist and the basis of their whole facade. So what are they in reality – whatever they want/need to be – but the façade is to cover up a very insecure and empty person that will not deal with the reality of their disordered life – not even the destruction they have caused to the people that have loved them. We are the objects they use to achieve their appearance and supply all of their needs. Nothing can penetrate their façade because their life is ONE HUGE DENIAL of the truth. They are not fully functioning humans and they need us to function and walk through life because their life is chapter after chapter of broken relationships and people that they have used and abused! This is the “Hallmark” of the Narcissist – the people they have left behind that the Narcissist blames shames and even hates. One day you wake up and the Narcissist has moved on and is now your enemy, smearing your good name to hide the truth that they were caught “red handed” in lies, betrayal, manipulation and extortion. You are one of the casualties of their abuse and there were many before you. They put families, friends, loved ones and even their own biological children right in the path of their destruction WITHOUT A CARE – because it has served them at the time.

Their personal interactions WILL give you the impression that they put themselves out for you or to help you and they will treat you like a Princess/Prince. They will take you out and buy you gifts, complimenting you, creating gestures to show they care or have thought about what you would like, treating you as a valued friend/lover, spending lots of time with you etc. They make you feel special and at this point you are special to them, not for who you are because they do not see you as an individual but instead as an object and extension of themselves. Just like buying a beautiful sports car that they drive around to boost their OWN self-worth or ego. As simple as that sounds that is as far as it goes!!!

Every action is to serve a purpose or fulfill a personal need! This is part of the ‘love bombing’ or ‘charm’ trap and with the Narcissist all of these gestures are usually undertaken on a very shallow level. In other words, these things are done for THEIR benefit to extract supply from you by creating the “image” of the day or even the hour or minute or whatever is needed to serve them and their agenda. If you are emotionally invested it is unlikely that you are going to notice until it’s too late – they are not always this nice, nor does it last very long, and this is where the danger lies and what makes them abusive to people!

Narcissists do not offer these gestures selflessly – there is a ‘rhyme to their reason.’ They also behave this way to feel good about themselves which is accomplished by your reactions of how you feel about them. It is like we are a mirror and they project whatever they can onto us to see that amazing reflection of themselves that they conjured because that is what they want – adulation and admiration. The positive feelings they extract from you are to confirm that they are important or special – what they are extracting is the supply to coincide with the false image they have created. There is no “real” self, it is just a new façade that they create over and over again with each and every source. Whatever the Narcissist wants to be, he/she WILL BE so that they get what they want – be it adulation or objectifying you to extort something! Unfortunately, the Narcissist doesn’t have the reality “reserves” to pull off this fake façade indefinitely because they lack all empathy so it is hard work for them to play with us in their pretend world for a long period of time because all of it is FAKE. They also get bored easily and to support their HUGE and empty void they continually jump to their out-of-control lifestyle to secure more and newer supply ALWAYS. They just can’t keep the game up for long because the LIES catch up with them as well as their raging anger for their accountability when we catch them red-handed.

The Narcissists charming behavior lasts as long as they get what they want from you by providing the supply that confirms their view of themselves as special – both mental and physical. In any relationship where people spend a lot of time together it is normal for both people involved to have some sense of accountability as far as it concerns bad habits and behaviors. To some degree it is just normal behavior for people to work on these bad habits and behaviors in order to try to improve the relationship. Narcissists do not react kindly to this AT ALL and they see it as an attack on their perfection. As a result of this their behavior starts to change. The lovely and awesome person you know will start to disappear as the damaged part of them emerges, the things they do to impress you will become fewer and farther in between, you will start to feel less and less special to them as they start to treat you badly and show their frustrations (overtly or covertly) at your inability to meet their needs more frequently. This is clinically called ‘devaluation’ and it is in direct response to seeing the reality of their personality disorder as well as questioning it.

During the Narcissist’s periods of frustration which are a direct result of their needs NOT BEING MET BY US they will make you aware of your inadequacies or inability to meet their needs. They will either do so overtly with raging, abandoning, publicly humiliating you, belittling/making fun of you and your abilities and possibly being abusive. Or they will do it covertly by giving you the silent treatment, sulking, discussing things that they know will upset you or behaving in ways they know you find hurtful regardless if they are related to the incident that caused THEIR frustration that YOU have caused or not but you are blamed for it. In other words, THEY ARE NEVER WRONG so don’t you dare attempt to make them feel that way. Along the same lines if their frustration stems from their own inabilities to meet their wants and needs such as not getting a promotion at a job, receiving criticism, etc. the frustration is usually transferred onto the people they interact with (often their nearest and dearest) or channeled/projected onto us. This is clinically called “transference” and what the Narcissist is in effect doing is taking their feelings of “I’m bad/inadequate/guilty” and passing them on to you or whoever is/was closely associated with the frustration because they don’t want to cope with anything that shatters their perfect image. They are always in a battle and blaming the world for their inadequacies!

In response to all of this you will only try to work harder to make them happier even though you may not have even been part of the situation that wounded their ego. You will start to question the things YOU can do to make amends for what they are feeling that bothers them which is EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD. This is exactly what they want OR the ability for you to shore up their perfect self-reflection by extracting whatever supply they need at any given moment to do so and dump their feelings of inadequacy by shifting the blame elsewhere!

They will continue to manipulate your emotions to extract more Narcissistic supply from you in many ways and it will drain you completely over time. They may even resort to intimidation and fear. They may even tell you the truth and they are no good for you and how badly they behave to gain MORE sympathy and supply (my Narcissist was great at this along with the alligator tears). Maybe you’ll jump to their defense telling them they are valuable with the renewed hope that there is something good inside of them. They are remarkable at getting the most supply out of any situation using multiple levels of manipulation. BUT IN ACTUALITY YOU ARE AIDING THEM IN EXCTRACTING THE SUPPLY THEY NEED WHEN YOU RESPOND IN THIS MANNER. Before long you won’t know what’s real or the truth from the lies and manipulation they administer to get their supply. So much time passes tending to THEIR needs because you are trying to save a relationship that you cherish or even love and you will wonder when the person you first met is going to come back. This is our empathy and unconditional love kicking in and trying to fix the relationship in a normal manner but there is nothing normal there to fix so you end up perpetually spinning your wheels and this becomes the normal in this relationship! By the time you’ve decided you’ve had enough or you’ve been dumped by the Narcissist you will already have lost sight of yourself as well as dumping so much of your own self-esteem from their manipulation.

Simply put it was all a huge con job and they needed something from you that is as important as the air they breathe – and that is your good life and your spirit to wear as their own. They went through great pains by playing love, throwing out compliments, buying you gifts, sharing what seemed to be important concepts of a wonderful relationship – BUT it was just mirroring us to achieve their own personal agenda. We make it so complex because it seemed complex and it seemed like it was real BUT it also seemed very unreal for the major portion of the time we spent with them. We have to accept the reality that NONE OF IT WAS REAL AT ALL. They were/are predators securing prey as well as extortionists that stole our very life from underneath us in a very stealth manner.

They will jump from one relationship to the next and so on and so forth replaying the same game for their whole life. They will keep running without a care of the destruction they leave behind – it is always OUR FAULT. We are all objects they use to create their false ego/image. NO CONTACT, throw them to the side of the road and drive as fast and far away from them as you can and never look back because they will gladly pull you back to abuse you again and take whatever else you have! Minimal contact when you HAVE to stay connected with them as in joint custody and ONLY business at hand. Greg

What a Narcissist ‘believes in’ is always self-serving – that means that there is no room for any other way of thinking besides what works for THEM, and what serves their many needs.

What a Narcissist ‘believes in’ is always self-serving – that means that there is no room for any other way of thinking besides what works for THEM, and what serves their many needs.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with Narcissist

They believe they are omnipotent OR feel they are above all people, entitled, and deserving of everything they want no matter what they do to get it – or the cost to the people they use. There are no human rights involved either, basically we are there for their use and they completely exploit everything they can from us – mentally and physically. They feel no remorse in their acts of deviance to secure supply in the least bit. Lies, betrayal, manipulation, etc., are only tools to extract what they need before they move on to the next and the next and the next. They have perfected and honed these tools to work to their utmost advantage to meet their needs in EVERY situation.

They believe they are NEVER wrong and everyone else is to blame. Hurting and abusing people is never a consideration with them because everything is about THEM and THEIR needs. Whether they lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, smear, destroy, etc., is just a means to an end! It is about power and control over others to get what they want – but never any type of a real relationship – BUT always a manipulative relationship. They abide by NO laws or rules in life!

In the Narcissists grand scheme of things there is never a relationship with any one person as it concerns love, growth, goals, dreams, togetherness AND equal rights where any person ever has a separate identity OR meaning to the Narcissist – EVERYONE IS JUST AN OBJECT. Everything and everyone is just an opportunity for extorting supply. Everyone is a “people object” in their world and our connection is nothing more or nothing less than the next person’s.

Furthermore, they cannot tolerate any sign of independence and autonomy from their supply or “people object”, this only serves to enrage them because they need this complete control to function within their delusional world. The narcissistic supply is there to serve them, so they try to cement their source of supply into the role they have made for them, and there they remain under the narcissist’s control. What that omnipotent and superior Narcissist fails to see is that they are co-dependent on us for their survival – pretty ironic when you think about how superior these creatures seem to believe they are. When in doubt they discredit, lie and destroy anyone to shore up their delusional and fake identity – OR – the big smear campaign to destroy ANOTHER victim.

This is very hard for many people to understand for the simple reason that we are the direct opposite of a Narcissist. We learned about life and love and we have empathy that would prohibit us from even remotely living or conceptualizing an abhorrent and perverse lifestyle where we would purposely use another person, deplete them of their life, and then destroy them. It is not even human to act out in the manner a Narcissist does. Unfortunately they exist and they are dangerous to people and to life in general! NO/minimal contact always. GregWhat a Narcissist ‘believes in’ is always self-serving – that means that there is no room for any other way of thinking besides what works for THEM, and what serves their many needs.

The Charm to Harm effect with a Narcissist!

The CHARM to HARM effect with a Narcissist.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists have effectively learned how to bounce between attacking and retreating to keep their victims off balance by consistently undermining and lowering their self- esteem OR devaluing and managing people down and THEN throwing a little positive lifeline to pull the victim right back in. The target/victim puts their all into TRYING to fix these wrongs in favor of reconciliation or returning the relationship back to the amazing love that they were conned into believing was real. It is a hideous to use love to con good people into a trusting union and then extort that trust for gain!

The Narcissist is a predator after prey. Targets/victims too often miss the signs of emotional/psychological abuse, even though they are always there because they are heavily charmed into believing this person is good and safe and the abuse message is hidden within. Narcissists have effectively learned how to bounce between attacking and retreating, keeping their victims off balance by undermining and lowering their self- esteem. Targets/victims become desensitized to these attacks and accept them as reality. The target/victim puts their all into TRYING to fix the wrongs in favor of reconciliation or returning the relationship back to the amazing love that they were conned into believing was real. It is a hideous to use love to con good people into a trusting union and then extort that trust for gain!

A Narcissist is disordered and has so many internal conflicts and delusions concerning their superiority over others that they don’t know how to address other human beings as being anything but an object or supply to serve them! However, people serve a real purpose in the Narcissist’s life so they do know how to TRAP their targets/victims with their love bombing though! Narcissists also feel they have a RIGHT to condemn and punish people when they DON’T serve them appropriately AND continually BUT the Narcissist gives NOTHING in return. Narcissists definitely do not see themselves as needing to change OR having serious issues because they do not have empathy or the internal mechanics to process anything but their needs. There is absolutely no form of logic, care, love, respect, submissiveness or kindness that will be enough to reach them at any level because they have disassociated from a ‘real self!’. They don’t experience moments where they think about the harm they are inflicting on others, nor an ounce of love that they would share with the person that gives them unconditional love. They are completely empty souls that walk around our world full of entitlement, envy, and hate. They are driven by their endless needs and take what they can from people. They pillage life and destroy rationale in the world through conflict and inflicting damage by abusing people.

They are not seeking a normal relationship with anyone, they are looking for ‘people servants.’ They do not understand or respect the individual rights of people because they do not understand or respect themselves and they honor NO boundaries. Narcissists hide from their own insecurity and weaknesses by manipulating and harming others by making them feel weak and beneath the Narcissist (a delusional form of projection or justification!) They have no control over their own DISTORTED emotions (nor desire it) so they attempt to control others with that magnanimous and charming facade to hide what they are. They are extortionists and PSYCHO bullies pure and simple, but they are shrewd enough to cover their tracks in public, but when you are on a personal level with them the mask slips off far too often especially when there are no witnesses around! While they may seem to be very CHARMING and have some positive qualities, they are purely toxic and have unrealistic expectations that nobody can meet and EVERY person WILL see this in time. Targets/victims that try to relate to the Narcissist (or love them) will never meet any of the Narcissists expectations and will end up being completely managed down by the Narcissists unstable personality and insatiable appetite for supply, as well as traumatized, disabled, and destroyed.

What I am trying to do here is to explain why the educational process is so extremely important to recovery. I am not using the word education in a manner that only describes the Narcissist or abuse and “there you have it!’ Instead I am trying to emphasize the importance of education being vital to breaking the abuse messages that play in your mind, as well as defining the manner that a Narcissist drives this abuse straight into your heart, soul, mind and world and why I call this situational abuse. We must understand what we DON’T understand to move on and up to a level of recovery. We must accept that they are what they are, move on with the truth and do some damage control and heal!

Targets/victims get so lost in the day to day managing down that they fail to see just how effective the Narcissist is at distorting their reality (the manipulation). You are never having a REAL conversation with a REAL person. This is the essence of ABUSE and how we become desensitized and our reality distorted. Everything a Narcissist says (and does) has NOTHING to do with a normal ‘back and forth’ conversation between two normal people! You (target/victim) are COMMUNICATING and believing that the Narcissist is reciprocating, but they are observing and scheming through your words and actions. They are drawing information from you in a manner to know your strengths and weaknesses and how to use those against you – sort of like a predator calculating in a manner to trap their prey. They may reply in what seems like a normal manner but they are actually interrogating you to draw out what they can and then they distort what they can so you never have a cohesive conversation with them. You will always find yourself WONDERING about something or other.

The end result is that they have you where they want you. Along with that they employ so many techniques to confuse you, or make you question what you said, or basically always feeling like you have to explain yourself. That is how they gain the upper hand! Beyond the love bombing which was just another grand scheme to manipulate you into the abuse with words and actions, the remainder of the relationship will consume you with always feeling the need to defend yourself. There is no such thing as individuality with a Narcissist and they are not going to allow you to have needs or be anything but what they want you to be. The KEY point here is that the love you FEEL (conned into) connects you to a Narcissist as well as blinds you to the abuse because they dangle that love in front of you and make you basically beg to have it back. That is purely behavioral modification using withholding techniques to change you to accept their disordered abuse! Remember that they are employing their disguise to con everyone around them to get what they want, but the primary 24/7 supply suffers the most from this abuse. They have other sources of supply on the side to feed their out of control lifestyle, and minions that sing their praises. How sad and destructive for the primary 24/7 target/victim to believe that what they have with a Narcissist is LOVE when it is nothing more than a place for the Narcissist to have constant supply as well as a refuge to hide the real truth of just how perverted they are.

The dynamics of a relationship with them is built solely on the premise that you are an object to this distorted creature for as long as they want you to be OR until they have extorted everything they can from you, OR you uncover the truth about them. Unfortunately, you are coming from what you believe is a real relationship with them so you are blinded to the day to day subtle manipulation and abuse. Love, commitment and growth are your goals, but slowly but surely your emotions and thoughts are eroded away until you lose the person you were for so many years. The Narcissist doesn’t ever stop the abuse because they need to devalue and discard you and they manipulate you into temporary insanity. They push and push you so that you react in ways that MAKE you out to be the ‘crazy one’ and then they use that against you. This is what they are and what they do. There is absolutely NOTHING you could have done to change any of this. This is a predator with an agenda to secure its prey, feed off of it, devalue it, destroy it, and then move on to new hunting grounds to find another person to prey on. BUT they are so good at this game that few see through them until it is too late! Add to the fact that a Narcissist will destroy each of their targets/victims integrity to cover their tracks by using the insanity they forced you into AGAINST you. The world is none the wiser to these criminals. Try explaining your incredulous experience and you have sealed your faith as being the ‘crazy one’ just like the Narcissist has described you to everyone and BEHIND your back. The Narcissist has everything covered as far as the abuse is concerned.

Targets/victims that are abused have to understand that the abuse doesn’t have anything to do with them and the actions of the Narcissist are not their fault. What you are feeling and reacting to is the many years of the brainwashing or manipulation (same thing.) You are NOT this person but instead a brainwashed individual that has had your dignity striped away from you by a highly disordered and destructive abuser. This is one of the hardest things to realize that there is absolutely nothing you could have done that would have any influence on changing this creature. Targets/victims of emotional/psychological abuse often think otherwise hoping they can fix things and only end up in this vortex of blaming themselves as being the defective one as well as the reason for the failing state of the relationship. Again this is the Narcissist doing what they do so well, confusing you and using mind control to make you accept their disordered agenda. It is the only way these creatures could function in our world and that is through lies and manipulation, otherwise they would be in jail for what they really are.

Just some reality and the truth! With a Narcissist you will give until you are emotionally, spiritually and physically bankrupt and receive little or nothing in return AND you will lose yourself completely. Just take a hard look at yourself today and then compare that with your state of being when you first met your Narcissistic partner. You are more than likely psychologically and emotionally worse off and feeling totally numb and a different person. Narcissists are thieves and once they have taken all you have to give, you are history and they discard you and move on to new and plentiful supply – and THEY DO NOT CARE.

PLEASE, please internalize that they waged a psychological war that had an agenda with you from day one! Narcissists are amoral and you CAN’T engage with them in any moral or conscience based issues and expect to achieve anything or better yet win. They DON’T love they abuse and extort. Narcissists have absolutely no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. They abide by no rules or laws. They aren’t REAL! There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their thoughtless and CRUEL approach to other people especially yourself. They feel COMPLETELY entitled in this world. If you are looking for revenge then you will never achieve any satisfaction in that arena either. They don’t connect to your thoughts or words as they concern any opinion that you may have about them, nor do they care. You are only an object and supply and it begins and ends there! No/minimal contact. Greg

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