Author Archives: ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse

Cognitive Dissonance – accepting the truth you believed in for so long is ALL A LIE and trying to find a new and consistent truth in all of the inconsistency!

Cognitive dissonance – accepting that the truth you believed for so long is all a lie and trying to find a new and consistent truth in all of the inconsistency now.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The tools of their trade that tricked us right into their agenda! At any given moment there are lies to cover the their delusional truths, manipulation to confound and confuse you, betrayal to hurt what you believe is real, back-stabbing to undermine your integrity, triangulation to destroy your immediate circle of friends and family, love-bombing to make you believe the Narcissist is true to you, blame and shame to make you believe you are the destructive force in this relationship, withholding to condition you to react as the Narcissist wants you to, raging to make you fearful of your existence, hate to reduce you to feeling anguish, name calling or making fun of you to steal your self-esteem, projection to make you out to be the force behind the destruction and deny you any semblance of your own reality, silencing to invalidate your individualism, punishment to make you accept their way or accept harm as a consequence, smearing to destroy your complete integrity so the Narcissist can escape exposure, AND many more avenues that a disordered Narcissist will travel to abuse their target/victim. We must never allow this to be defined as just a personality disorder and give it credence and acceptability – IT IS A DESTRUCTIVE AND DEBILITATING ABUSE!

It was all one big lie and the person you cared about or likely loved (depending on if it was a relationship, family member, close friend, co-worker, etc.) never existed within the realm of what you believed was a real relationship of ANY type! Those ‘charming declarations’ and/or love-bombing were tactics and part of their disordered manipulation to gain control over you and your emotions and to pull you into a specific agenda for THEIR gain only. It is very, very hard to internalize that what you believed in was just all a huge lie and con! Their whole life is a lie and every person that has ever had any sort of relationship with them succumbs to this – we are only a convenience to a Narcissist. They will wear a different disguise to lure a new target/victim in and it is solely based on opportunity or what the target has to offer that the Narcissist needs or can use. It is the SAME cycle that they use to abuse every new target into their agenda. Once we get this we must NEVER allow them an opportunity to ever abuse us again! NO/minimal contact to break the cycle of this abuse and to move forward to recovery. Greg

The abuse messages from a Narcissist are like an avalanche of so many confusing and debilitating thoughts that leave a target/victim feeling like there is no place to start as far as recovering – but there is once you move on and away from the chaos and allow clarity, knowledge, education, and the truth deprogram those destructive messages

The abuse messages from a Narcissist are like an avalanche of so many confusing and debilitating thoughts that leave a target/victim feeling like there is no place to start as far as recovering – but there is once you move on and away from the chaos and allow clarity, knowledge, education, and the truth deprogram those destructive messages

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist

Recognizing and understanding emotional/psychological abuse is definitely where we must start. What I mean about this is simply actualizing the truth that we were abused by a personality disordered individual and this was situational. This is a necessary process of validation so we can purge out all of the negativity and feelings of worthlessness that have been forced down our throats and into our conscious and sub-conscious mind from the manipulative control and mind games of a Narcissist. We have to start by having or getting back a healthy relationship with ourselves and STOP beating ourselves up with the repetitive messages that play in our minds that somehow we were the cause of anything that would enable another person to abuse us, we were foolish, or worse yet that we deserved this abuse.

We MUST stop defining ourselves through those negative messages from our abuser and redefine ourselves with new, NORMAL, and positive messages. We have to switch our energy back into ourselves and away from the Narcissist and the abuse we experienced. We need a mental health vacation so to speak so we gain the necessary clarity to start the recovery process. This is a must and what got me to my recovery. My point here is that a strong education and knowledge of this abuse and the personality disordered Narcissist will give you that ‘ah ha’ moment where you see that this wasn’t YOU being crazy, worthless, wrong, bad, obsessed, a horrible person, or any of the negative things the Narcissist described you as. You will also understand that this abuse disabled and traumatized you emotionally and psychologically with extreme manipulation, gas lighting, and YES even brain washing. That is what slowly but surely managed you down to believe the atrocities that the Narcissist accused you of throughout this entire relationship with them and has you feeling so lost, empty, and stuck after the discard or parting from this Narcissist. This abuse can only be described as sadistic and from a severely disordered person that MEANT to inflict this harm onto you.

I can probably recite verbatim how you spend so many of your days feeling so alone and confused about your situation. Days that you probably feel like you just wanted to lay down on the couch and hide from the world. You probably feel such an overwhelming tidal wave of negative emotions flushing through you. These emotions are real because you BELIEVED this was love but what is at the root of this is the psychological abuse that managed you down to feel so worthless now and it is all so conflicting in your head! It is a mix of emotional withdrawal from the relationship ending so abruptly as well as the overwhelming confusion as to why this happened and all the hate that is surrounding you from your abuser. There are no answers at your fingertips just this overwhelming sense of doom. Even though you know you were fighting an uphill battle every day you were with this Narcissist it may still seem very real to you. This all has to be put into the correct perspective so you realize that even though your love was real (to you) it wasn’t real to the person that purposely abused and extorted your love as well as put you into this place that disabled you.

You feel worthless, physically unattractive, anxious, and depression sneaks its way into the equation and you just want to find a way to end all of the pain. Your first thoughts are to contact your Narcissist, but you are guarded and even scheming about how you can make contact without seeming interested JUST TO GET A SMALL CHANCE at some sort of connection and even a reconciliation or SOMETHING to ease this pain. This is just all of your distorted realities that you have become accustomed to from being a prisoner of this abuse with your tormentor, but THIS time it is different because this is the BIG discard. But what sits in the back of your mind is that you have felt like you have been discarded many times before and is it any different this time? Your mind is still locked up in the confusion you only knew throughout your relationship with them. But then the realization sets in that they are off and into another person (supply) and that eats at your soul.

All of this keeps you running in a circle and you are jumping from one distortion to another and never accomplishing anything but adding more to your own grief and more and more levels of confusion to an already confused state of mind. It is exhausting, and it feels like there is no way out. You even feel fearful of life in general and lacking a general consciousness of the reality around you. There doesn’t seem to be any relief and you almost feel like you are completely losing your mind and headed straight toward a mental breakdown or even insanity. It is just TOO OVERWHELMING. This is why you have to move on and away from these thoughts and that Narcissist completely. It is your survival and your life at stake now. This is so different from any other breakup you may have experienced in the past (with a normal person) and THAT is the emotional and psychological damage that has been inflicted on you by this Narcissist!

Everything is one huge confusing blur. It is like someone has wrapped you up in layer upon layer of darkness, fear, angst, confusion, depression, anxiety, pain, sleeplessness and everything you have never experienced before. You feel like you are completely disabled. You are forgetful and just don’t seem to care. ALL OF THIS IS TRAUMA from being abused. You probably don’t sleep well and if you do you have nightmares. How do you fix this? How do you get them out of your mind? How do you move forward? Who do you turn to? People listen but they don’t see the severity of the situation! You are reaching out to a world that doesn’t understand how debilitating this abuse is because they don’t see a black and blue mark on your body or a broken arm, but the truth is that you are so lost in all of this wondering who you can turn to for HELP! You have been injured but the scars are on the inside where nobody can see them, so your abuse is INVISIBLE to everyone but yourself. So is it real or what the heck is going on. IT IS REAL – enough said!

This realization is the MOST DIFFICULT aspect because you must accept what happened and that is so painful because you must internalize this knowledge and act upon it. Here is the thing the real knowledge that they are a Narcissist is basically new to you even though you have suspected that there is something terribly wrong with them. What is new is that you now realize that there is a name to this and you have been abused by a Narcissist and NONE of this is your fault.

The process of recovery is even new and foreign as far as it concerns the help that is available. Our stories are incredulous, and people don’t seem to want to hear them, believe them or help us more than a pat on the back. This creature is probably in a new relationship and flaunting it in your face. You are finding out that your good name and integrity has been smeared to the very people that mean the most to you AND GUESS WHAT – some even believe the lying Narcissist because he/she has so much knowledge of your personal world and is now using it against you. THIS NARCISISST IS SAYING THAT YOU ABUSED THEM. You feel like everywhere you turn there is more and more damage, and more and more things you don’t understand BUT YOU WILL.

Could someone be this dark or even evil every minute of every day you spent with them and this was really abuse and using you as supply? Yes, yes, yes and a big resounding YES TO THIS! You feel foolish and even stupid as if you were just that dumb. It is like a snowball that turns into an avalanche and it buries you because it is abuse at so many levels that digging out seems to be an impossible feat. I hated saying the word ABUSE or feeling I was a VICTIM because it described me as being weak. BUT I am here to tell you and now shout it out that I was a target/victim of abuse and it was internalizing this that was my turning point and realizing just how pathetic and perverted this person is to live in this manner, so much so that human life means NOTHING to them. I was not weak but instead I was strong to internalize the truth and move forward with it to recover and so are YOU!

It isn’t just about the emotional attachment (love), now it is about accepting that you loved a monster. Somehow that just doesn’t fix/end the emotional attachment that you built up over time that you thought was real, nor does it help you understand this about face rejection and the hate that is now being spewed out at you. How do you legitimately acknowledge this to yourself, yet alone to the world so that you can find support to get past this? You are frozen in this cycle of abuse and this is exactly where that Narcissist wants you to be or vulnerable, so they can escape from the exposure of what they are.

WHY – because they are delusional, toxic, and abusive to ALL people in their world. This works for them because they just don’t care, and they lack the internal mechanisms to do so. You only have to ask yourself if you would ever act out against people that love you – even your family, biological children – anyone for that matter. Your answer is NO and the reason why – because you are normal, you love unconditionally, and you have empathy. This is totally out of your realm of normality and acceptance.

You will never be able to completely wrap your head around this as in understanding a Narcissist because your empathy will not allow you to EVER acknowledge this, BUT you MUST internalize this to move you to a higher plane. You were always in question of the reality of this relationship but unfortunately the psychological aspect of their abuse brain-washed you to love them and from there you only plugged in the natural aspects of loving another person in a real way and always trying harder – BUT, the ugly truth has finally reared its face as it concerns your relationship with a Narcissist. Education will reinforce what has happened to you and allow you to see that you were not the cause of this abuse. This is a learning process that is laced with emotional anguish and pain but we have to achieve closure and the only way to do so is to reject this Narcissist so completely to allow the truth to repair everything that has been broken in you.

When we seek out the knowledge as well as the support of other victims and survivors that is when we understand that we are not ALONE in what we experienced OR what we are feeling AND there is help out there. The education and knowledge will give you perspective enough to help offset the vast confusion and disabling effects of the abuse and give you a new direction, truth/validation, understanding that you are OK, that you CAN move forward, that there is a name to this as well other people that HAVE experienced this and recovered. The further you walk forward into this knowledge the more you will learn about recovery, who to reach out to, the support systems available, solutions, answers and so much more! YOU are amazing, YOU are strong, and YOU can and will recover from this when you empower yourself with the knowledge that will lead you to the truth of your situation and closure. This is a personal journey and a process that you must commit to because what is at stake is your life, well-being, happiness, and a healthy future where you can and will return to the world again. No/minimum contact to start on your journey! Greg

There is ALWAYS an agenda with a Narcissist – NOT a relationship!

Narcissists always have a self-serving AGENDA and never a real relationship, a connection, or a human bond with anybody — it is apparent when we see the real person behind the mask in how they malign and control people to get what they want. Once we see that truth and act upon it with no/minimal contact WE TAKE BACK OUR POWER! Stop believing in this Narcissist!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Narcissists are unable to put themselves in the place of another person as far as understanding what harm they are causing them because they are operating solely on a personal agenda that always and only benefits them. This is because a Narcissist is totally lacking empathy first – and secondly because they know that they can have power over people if they confound/confuse them using control with a mix of CHARM and HARM. Narcissists act in very cold and cruel ways towards those who are closest to them. A Narcissist acts sadistic in the full meaning of the word, being cold and insensitive towards the pain of others AND they use it as a tool to further manage a person down.

Narcissists simply avoid accessing any mental “tools” that would personally blame them and just deny their behavior as causing great pain, anxiety and depression to the people who are close to them. They justify it with ‘blaming and shaming’ through projection. Basically, they feel that they deserve special attention in every aspect of their life even when they lie and betray people. If they go out and have a one-night stand, it is our fault because we haven’t met all of their needs – so it isn’t their fault and we better get over it and start serving them in better ways than we have. Plus, they are slippery and slimy characters that aren’t going to admit to anything that deems them accountable for ANYTHING in life because they avoid/deny the mechanisms to do so. Hmmm, isn’t that a cognitive process that defines them as thinking and knowing that they are doing something wrong and ‘covering’ it up to avoid exposure? Yes, so I would say that they quite possibly know exactly what they are doing and JUST DON’T CARE one iota about people – it IS ABOUT POWER AND CONTROL with them to get everything they want and at whatever cost! NO/minimal contact always to take their power away! Greg

We believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, love, individuality, and a relationship (whatever type we had) so we only tried to follow the natural flow or path of a REAL relationship and that is what BLINDED us and tricked us right into this desperate and abusive love.

We believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, love, individuality, and a relationship (whatever type we had) so we only tried to follow the natural flow or path of a REAL relationship and that is what BLINDED us and tricked us right into this desperate and abusive love.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

So, WE FELL IN LOVE (or better yet were conned emotionally) – but an unnatural and abusive love is nothing even near a normal love and it comes with a great price – the truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem, belief system, and worth. We constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND ourselves and in doing so, our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools. Their manipulation, betrayal, control, lies and acting out “trained” us to provide them with supply and they stepped up the game to get the most, if not ALL they could from us until they were caught and identified as the monster they are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth. We didn’t give them the power to abuse us, we MISTAKINGLY opened our hearts with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise – AND THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO!

So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship) who believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, love, individuality, etc., AND a real relationship and we just tried to follow the natural flow or path of a relationship. But what we didn’t know is that we had inadvertently set the stage for Narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them – and that is a BIG NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM.

Love was what the Narcissist used to con you into the abuse by gaining your trust and a commitment to them as well as keep you connected and believing in them. The abuse was the working mechanism that this Narcissist used to control you, manage you down, isolate you, disable you and then use you completely to meet their needs. The WHY doesn’t matter because you can’t fix this disordered person, nor should you attempt to. You saw that by loving them you were only abused, what could be more powerful than your love and why allow yourself to expend it on a desperate and destructive love with a Narcissist? If a person were damaged and fixable, unconditional love and support from another person would be healing, appreciated, and accepted. People that are real would seek out healing love and embrace it, not use it to keep you falsely connected to their agenda to use you so completely! Your love was abused because this is a disorder that you do not have the power to heal within this person (the Narcissist). You must know this and move forward for you and only you. You must use your powerful love to heal yourself!

The Narcissist skillfully weaves their manipulation into our lives to make us become dependent on them by distorting and destroying everything around us that is real to us and then all that is left for us is THEM. They make us believe in them as if they ALONE are our savior to blind us from reality. They tell us how people talk about us, or this or that person is not good for us. They love us and ONLY want to protect us with this truth and HELP us, but they are subtly planting these distorted messages in us to get us to believe in them completely and isolate us and keep us close to them alone! These messages do their magic by making us feel worthless and as if something is terribly wrong with our lives and with us. In this process they are also gathering personal information from us to USE AGINST US too. So they are also telling these very people that love us that WE are also talking about them and they need to be CAREFUL as it concerns THEIR connection with us – this in turn isolates us completely.

They are using the familiarity of personal stories we shared with them AGAINST us. This is triangulation where they pit one person against the other! They are destroying everything we love and cherish so that we become totally dependent on them. That is the addiction and trauma bond that is forced into our reality. Who do you turn to when you hear that everything around you or about you is so terribly wrong? The person that is standing directly in front of you that is loving you so completely BUT in reality, they are poisoning you at the same time! If I had a dollar for every time I heard my Narcissist tell me that SOMEBODY was saying negative things about me, even Psychiatrists that were evaluating me and telling my Narcissist I was unstable – as well as family members, co-workers or EVERYBODY! As silly and unreal as that sounds I am not kidding or exaggerating! A Narcissist does this very subtly and they are seamless at weaving their triangulation with little tiny bits of truth and lies into your conscious world to make it seem plausible. I was an emotional punching bag to a highly disordered and not fully functioning human being. I finally got it and pushed forward and totally away from it and back to reality where I was before I fell into this devastating abuse and today I am so much better as if I walked away from some sort of darkness and back into light, life and love again!

So, there are two essential and distinct parts to this acceptance to enable you to start on your personal journey to recovery and they are the emotional and intellectual realities. Intellectually it is understanding that this is a personality disorder to basically get you to your ‘ah ha’ moment that this was not anything near this love you believe/believed in but the actions of a ‘not fully functioning human being’ that was conning and using you. Emotions are not as easy to untangle especially when it involves that amazing thing called love that connects you to this disordered creature and distorts the truth and your reality – but you must realize that this love was also part of that huge con job. BUT we ARE able to fall out of love and it is so important to fall out of this toxic and poisonous love with both perspectives to see the clearer and bigger picture that it was purely destructive to you and meant to be. There was NO REAL LOVE!

Intellectually you need to assert the truth that they ARE very disordered so you can purge the negative messages that were planted in your head that you are not worthy of this Narcissist’s love or a normal life. These negative messages were purposeful and meant to manage you down to nothingness so the Narcissist could control you, isolate you, and keep you there while they extorted and used you as a source of supply. These messages are tricky because the positive ones from the ‘charm’ and ‘love bombing’ are mixed in there so well with the negative ones from the devaluation and discard and this is what has you so locked up in the ‘fog’ or confusion that you are feeling. They have to be separated so that the positive love-bombing messages don’t pull you backward into believing that it WAS/IS real and there is a chance to fix this. Then intellectually understanding that all the blame/shame, lies, demeaning attacks and manipulation on you were projections from a very angry and cunning creature to make you feel completely worthless and convince you that you deserve this – as well as to CONTROL you. They are only as powerful as you allow them to be. Break the destructive messages and attachment to them and they are no longer able to control you and you are free to become yourself again. Knowledge and truth are the keys you need to unlock the prison that this Narcissist has locked you up and in!

You must first STOP the dance and take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. If you do not take care of yourself, no one will do it for you. This unfortunately is our journey that we MUST take. The very best thing you can do is to end the toxic relationship, which is slowly making you mentally and physically sick and distorting your concept of what real love AND life is meant to be. You must purge the manipulative and destructive messages OUT of your head or else they will be stuck there with you forever. You have already stayed with this Narcissistic liar, cheater and a mental abuser for way too long, and understand there is no love there, only a twisted addiction to something that has become a horrible and debilitating routine in your life. Do not waste one more second of your precious life with this Narcissist when you have a chance to achieve the true happiness in life and the ability to love normally. Remember what got you here and ask yourself why you would want to get back with this destructive person to try to fix all of the absurd abuse when you CAN’T. Then look at your life and actualize how debilitating this relationship has been to you. This is not an option! Leave this relationship behind so you can reach your full potential again and you WILL because you ARE really an amazing person that proved how strong you were, how loving you were, and now how strong you are to be here today and able to move forward. No/minimal contact and NEVER look back once you actualize the truth! Greg

Narcissists corrupt people’s ‘normal’ AND their complete life!

Narcissists corrupt people’s ‘normal’ AND their complete life! They condition us ONLY into believing that we have to view life with them as always having to FIX things because everything we do is wrong or doesn’t please them. Truth be known, we can NEVER please them because they are a bottomless pit of neediness!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist has manipulated and managed us down to a point where we do not even trust OUR own feelings and perceptions – in other words abuse has dissembled and corrupted our normal. Over the years we internalized this twisted and distorted relationship and bent our own emotions in an effort to FIX the relationship we believed in. We can’t buy into those distortions and recover because we cannot fix what is not really there in the first place. That process is still running through our heads even though they have physically parted from our lives and we MUST shut this down completely.

It was a horrendous roller coaster ride to keep us in a controlled state of confusion/fear with so many ups and downs and no end to the ride but now it is time to jump off. As hard as it may seem for us to purge all of the abuse out of us, it CAN be done. We were normal and psychologically sound people PRE-Narcissist and we can get back to what and who we once were. It does require deep introspection and setting up boundaries in our life.

There are many theories out there and they all have their purpose, but it must begin with us. Get healthy first by breaking completely away from ANY emotional tie and connection and THEN recovery begins. This can be done with no-contact AND minimal contact as well when there are divorce proceedings, biological children, business connections, family ties, or legal issues – BUT everything that ties you to a Narcissist has to be BUSINESS only because remember they are abusers that want to always have that control over you to drag you back into the chaos – DON’T let them. Remember knowledge, education, validation, a voice, time, and support from other targets/victims is key to moving forward – AND no/minimal contact. Greg

The unfortunate and horrendous truth – this was not a soulmate, this was a soulless-mate.

The unfortunate and horrendous truth – this was not a soulmate, this was a soulless-mate.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists are acutely aware of their surroundings and they know emotions, or what YOU are feeling even if they can’t feel it themselves. They have observed people’s reactions to every specific emotion and know how to imitate it to get a desired response, even if they do not experience that emotion themselves. Just look back and understand how they were so amazingly adept at making you believe that they loved you and wanted you to be their life partner or whatever it took to con you into their abusive grip. Everybody that is reading this can’t deny that they believed in this Narcissist at one time and what they were feeling WAS love. Nor can we deny that we learned the real truth that they are very disordered and abused us

Narcissists get us to feel love for them without reciprocating a loving response in return. It seems like they are loving us back, but they are only reflecting our very emotions right back onto us and into us and this is as deep as it goes. They exploit people’s emotions, manipulate their feelings, pretend they are feeling creatures when they aren’t. They make you dance with them, but the Narcissist is ALWAYS leading their partner in the dance and the music you are dancing to are their lies and deceit. The Narcissist becomes intimately familiar with all of your loving and emotional spots and knows the correct buttons to push to gain your trust and admiration.

Seriously this is all the depth there is to them and this is all we really have to understand about them. The very unfortunate thing is that their charm façade triggered something in us that got us attached to them at the hip emotionally and with most that was love! They conquered us with this single word (and imitating all of the required actions to support it) so we are right there with them and believing they are real. Because we have normal and real emotions we believed only what we knew and thought was real so we supported every aspect of this love. They don’t have emotions to support it back with us and this is what fails them AND us in a horrendous way. They want what they want, they play the game, but it is short lived because they lack the necessary mechanics to give back. They get bored easily because they feel no human emotions or feelings to connect to us, but they are in it as long as they can fulfill their every need and they exhaust everything we have and then they continue on to the next target/victim. They are protecting themselves from exposure, so combine those two elements (their needs and their extreme manipulation to fulfill them) and this Narcissist becomes a raging lunatic if you should out them. They keep up the charade, rages and all, but they throw us a little bone to snare us back once again and then manage us down to make us feel worthless and thus disabling more and more of our reality. Remember if their true inner self was transparent to the world they would be rejected, writher away and die – that is why they abuse us in private. They can’t keep up the charade because there is nothing in them that allows them to bond so their spell over us lasts only as long as it takes us to discover the truth.

Hindsight unfortunately is 20/20 as they say, so you have to experience their deception and abuse to understand exactly what I just said. It is definitely not something anyone should experience because the destruction reaches the very core of your heart, soul and mind.

This is why letting go can be so hard for the target/victim because there are REAL emotions from REAL love that is strongly attached or mixed in with the psychological abuse and it confounds the recovery process just as it did throughout the entire distorted relationship. It becomes very confusing because even though it was all based on lies and a huge façade somehow you still love them and STILL want to sort through all of the deception to make it right with YOUR concept of real love – it was ingrained on your heart and mind. You believed in them and now the task at hand is to ‘un-believe’ them.

Being on the receiving end of Narcissistic love can, will, and does make us feel like we need to try harder because of the extreme manipulation or conditioning that they use to keep us hanging on and we spent vast amounts of time and energy trying to fix this relationship – that really is all that defines this relationship – trying more and more but never getting anywhere. We were given a vision in the beginning that this was real love and we became emotionally bonded to this vision BECAUSE that was part of the big game. Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try, we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person (our Narcissist.) BUT we believe that somehow, it is up to us to fix the relationship because that is what the Narcissist uses as control and power over us to keep believing and hanging on while they extort our entire life away from us. This Narcissist lacks any and all emotions, empathy, and love for anything other than itself. So, what is left for us to interpret? Superficial connections which are not functional by any means but meant to make us believe that there is something real for us there. A Narcissist can’t connect to themselves yet alone to anyone else so everything they do is superficial as it concerns a real relationship with people. They are amazingly adept at this game because it is part of their survival.

We constantly struggle with the vision of that love in the back of our mind (the one that we were CONNED into believing was real) to make the relationship work and make our Narcissist happy by working harder at the relationship. We are even asked (more like demanded by threats) to do things differently or do what this Narcissist wants but it only would lead to more demands and making us sink deeper and deeper into this distorted love. We are even offered an ‘olive branch’ and an “I love you so much,” to achieve a cohesive peace but again it is not real at all and the Narcissist cashes in on the lies once again! But despite our intuition or the deep-rooted sense that something is totally wrong this relationship it still feels familiar to love because that is what we hold onto to alleviate the struggles and pain. We begin to feel increasingly unhappy because we are never getting our needs met as well as totally confused and lost. The struggle to get this person to love and accept you is not working so you employ all kinds of tactics to try harder but to no avail. It is the vicious cycle of this abuse or the trap that keeps us running in circles until it ends, and that end is always devastating and destructive because of the psychological damage that the Narcissist inflicted that kept this toxic relationship going. The Narcissist just closes the door and moves on to the next victim, but that doesn’t spell happiness, that defines an abusive predator! In the beginning we believed we found our soulmate, but in the end we realized that we found a soulless-mate. What a horrendous journey we traveled to get to this truth! Now that journey must end, and we must go back to find ourselves again or recovery from this sadistic nightmare. It must end completely to do this with no/minimum contact. Greg

FACT – They ALWAYS want something that benefits THEM and WE are the objects that they use to secure what it is they want!

FACT – They ALWAYS want something that benefits THEM and WE are the objects that they use to secure what it is they want! ALSO remember that they are out there in many different forms and disguises – be it a spouse, partner, family member, boss, co-worker, neighbor, professional, or anybody for that matter – because they are ‘hiding in plain sight!’

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist.

We must remember that a Narcissist has no character, no integrity, no empathy, no emotional connections, etc. When they are there in front of us and seemingly acting positive or even negative, it is all for a specific reaction and that is to get something they want. Never entertain what they do as having a value based meaning attached to it. Remember that what you see is a façade created personally for you because you have something they want and need!

In the Narcissists grand scheme of things there is never a relationship with any one person as it concerns love, growth, goals, dreams, togetherness, and equal rights where any person ever has a separate identity OR meaning to the Narcissist – EVERYONE IS JUST AN OBJECT. Everything and everyone is just an opportunity for extorting supply. Everyone is a “people object” in their world and our connection is nothing more or nothing less than the next person that is trapped into the Narcissist’s dance.

There are no human rights involved either, basically we are there for their use and they completely exploit everything they can from us mentally and physically. They feel no remorse in their acts of deviance to secure supply in the least bit. Lies, betrayal, manipulation, etc., are only tools to extract what they need before they move on to the next and the next and the next. They have perfected and honed these tools to work to their utmost advantage to meet their needs in EVERY situation.

SO, the sad truth and reality of a connection with them – misfortune to others does not matter to the Narcissist when they have objectified a human being to obtain their drug of choice or “supply.” It is solely based on what this person has to offer, or what can be taken from this person, and this must resonate in the Narcissist’s grand scheme of things. The Narcissist is convinced of their uniqueness (omnipotence) and basically we are there to serve their needs – they are delusional in this manner. There are no rules or written laws that the Narcissist will comply with when it comes to how they treat other people. Understand this truth and you have cracked the code about these abusers. NO/Minimal contact to break the cycle of this horrendous abuse that has attacked your emotional and psychological well-being. Greg

The Narcissist’s Facades and Lies!

The Narcissist’s Facades and Lies – An upside-down world where the truth is really a lie and the lie is really the truth.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

It is almost impossible to list the many damaging effects of emotional and psychological abuse and what it does to a normal, good, and loving person. Among some of the most common reactions to this abuse are overwhelming feelings of loss, helplessness, hopelessness, feeling worthless, confusion, anxiety, depression, exhaustion, fear, isolation, and fear of the here and now. These are extremely overpowering responses to emotional/psychological abuse. When you are experiencing abuse or living in it you can’t clearly see or understand the truth because the abuse distracts/disables you from living in a healthy reality! It also changes or distorts your perspective of life. I couldn’t see what was happening to me because the abuse distracted me from seeing the truth and the reality of my situation.

Abuse, at its very core, is really a horrific and powerful lie, but the sad reality of this abuse is that the lie seems to be the truth, and the truth we believe is the lie. That manipulation of the truth is a revolving and constant thought process directly related to the agenda of the abuser! But once you recognize and accept that there is abuse in your relationship the first powerful transformation takes place and healing begins. But beyond a doubt, it is easier to heal from the abuse if the relationship ends and no/minimal contact begins. I wouldn’t be where I am today as a survivor if I still carried my abuser’s daily manipulative words and sadistic actions on my shoulders and in my mind. Think of recovery as empowering yourself with the REAL truth to now make healthier choices for your well-being and becoming a viable individual again. The world is yours to conquer without all of those horrible monkeys on your back from the abuse.

So, the biggest and most distorted lie starts with the Narcissist being profoundly charming, caring and loving. They are doing this because it serves them or you have something they want which can lead to the huge ‘love bombing’ lie. The rest of the lies appear quite openly when the Narcissist’s mask slips and suddenly, they become totally unreliable and negative about everything YOU. Promises mean nothing, that amazing love means nothing, emotions mean nothing, love means nothing, and YOU mean nothing AND all because there was NOTHING there to begin with! That is the basis of this abuse or the disabling lies at every level of the relationship as well as the Narcissist’s phony facade! EVERYTHING is a lie to support that façade!

Through the course of the abuse you were targeted by many ‘attacks’ be it blatant and ugly assertions or accusations about you that completely made you lose your balance (like you are having an affair) or simpler ones to just consistently rattle you or undermine your well-being and catch you off guard. Then there can be the accusations designed to make you feel guilty not for something you are doing, but something you are NOT doing. These arguments make you feel obligated and reduce you to feeling GUILTY and even ashamed that YOU are not giving enough, believing enough, or doing enough. That is the Narcissist being a martyr with embellishments that insist you don’t love them anymore with a ‘because’ of some sort attached. These can be used to cover their backsides (diversions) when accountability comes into question like when you ask them where they were the night before. They guilt you to divert from the truth by saying that they can’t believe you would accuse them of something so horrific. You feel the desperate need to reassure them that you do love them, and you are so sorry and then try to make the Narcissist feel good. The Narcissist killed two birds with one stone, got away with some horrendous betrayal and had YOU apologizing to them. The bottom line is that you are always explaining yourself and reacting to the Narcissists many attempts to keep you under their control.

All of these situations are just variations of manipulative lies that constantly distort your reality. When it comes to the raging attacks, that is angry projection or the bully Narcissist acting out another diversion to control you. The Narcissist is deliberately attacking you with the objective of achieving CONTROL through fear and anger or basically maneuvering you into a conflict situation. The Narcissist wants to create an argument but also wants to be able to blame you for it afterwards. None of this is based on any sort of reality as it concerns you or something you have done and usually something the Narcissist has done to dump their shame onto you through projection. Again, the agenda is always about managing you down in some form or fashion! They use everything they can as some sort of diversion because this is their reality or better yet I should say their non-reality because there is nothing real about them except whatever they manipulate you (us) into believing – both the good and the bad. This is something we really have to reflect upon and actualize – they are not real and they use control to make us believe in them as well as to harm us. The bottom line is that WE have to discard this person completely from our life.

After this relationship ends there will be psychological, emotional, as well as personal issues that you will have to deal with. This abuse is not just about the horrendous things your abuser did to you because that is now the past and the abusive aspect. What you are having to face are the things that you unfortunately allowed to happen that have changed many of your perspectives concerning your belief system, thought processes, your worth, your mind and your heart. Now hear me out that this is not saying you accepted the abuse, you adapted in a damaging way to become functional where there was no real function for you in this relationship because it was a desperate love that you were conditioned into believing you didn’t deserve because there was something wrong with YOU! The abuse manipulated you and managed you down in such a manner that it basically brain-washed you as well as traumatized you in the process of trying to achieve a cohesive or loving relationship. You were reacting to the fear of loss that was imposed on you to conform or be forced out by the Narcissist – BUT – you were seduced into these beliefs by first believing this was SOME SORT OF LOVE. It doesn’t define you as weak, a fool, dumb or any of the above it is just a fact of what this abuse does. With all of that said what we are left with is a deep inner introspection we have to deal with or the process of becoming healthy again. The important thing here is what you will come to realize is that you have the ability to change and move forward after this abuse. Please trust me on this.

When it comes to understanding this love with a Narcissist, all we really had was an empty dream and a reflected image from this Narcissist of what we thought was love that was based on what we grew up believing was love that this Narcissist played back to us. We have seen this love all around us growing up and even experienced it and felt it before. This love was very strong and amazing in our mind and we superimposed that image right onto this Narcissist like he/she conned us into believing AND they reacted like it was the real thing and they even pretended to love us back because THAT made their façade work! Every little thing that they did to reinforce it ALSO enforced that ‘distorted truth’ we kept hanging onto as if it was real and part of that big dream we wanted or the love we believed in – but this dream turned into our worst nightmare! This belief always kept us at that safe distance and blinded from what was really happening and away from all of the lies, betrayal, manipulation, and hate that was really right there in front of us. Believing in them kept the painful reality at bay and disabled us a little bit more each and every day. At some point we must see the truth and accept it as well that it is impossible to love or be loved by the Narcissist.

The real picture will unfortunately reveal itself and you will hear things that will make you feel sick to your stomach. You will question yourself in so many ways and beat yourself up over all of it. Why didn’t you see this coming, why did you keep trying and hanging on to this monster? You will feel defective and worthless and maybe even deserving of all of this! It is not answerable in any one given manner as far as applying the fault to yourself. Let it go because that doesn’t help you achieve clarity, nor opens a door to move forward to recover from this toxic relationship. It only sends you deeper into this abuse by blaming yourself! Narcissists PLAY big time games and they are completely unavailable to ANYONE in this world. The person you were before was conned and the person you are now is still being conned and you MUST get away completely to achieve clarity and move on. In reality we all know it takes two to have a healthy relationship, and there were two in this relationship and one person was real, but unfortunately the other one pretended to be real because they had an agenda to make this real so they could use you and they were seamless with the game they played with you. Narcissists are made out of lies overlapping other lies to get at what they want from people and that is how we must look at them and leave them right there or within that very words that define them – LIARS and ABUSERS of life and people.

There are many internal messages that the abuse has imprinted on your mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had. These certain changes that took take place over the course of the abuse must be undone so you can become the person that you want to be, or the person you were before the abuse. The journey HAS to start with no/minimal contact. Greg

Compartmentalization – how a Narcissist keeps all of their lies shored up.

Just how do they keep those MANY lies all shored up with so many people being NONE the wiser? Separating people through triangulation to divide and conquer so that the Narcissist can be many different things to many people – or basically using their many different facades, lies, and manipulation and compartmentalizing people. A Narcissist creates ALL of the terms in life and they are everchanging to always meet THEIR needs and never ours.

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist is an EXTREME egotist that denies the truth of their repulsive world to themselves and cleverly hides it by the means of a false reflection or mask to pathologically fool or snare us into their grasp. The more the Narcissist is able to successfully ‘seduce’ others and convince them that they are loved or liked the more the bounty (supply) for the Narcissist. They are self-created, or better yet, self-de-created, and then FALSELY re-created. What is re-created is not a self, but a reflection or ‘FUNCTIONAL” copy of a working image of a human being. It is a compilation of observations the Narcissist has made from watching people and mirroring what he/she sees back onto them – imitating their good qualities, likes/dislikes, everything and anything ESPECIALLY that CHARM and love to draw us into their web of deceit. They really bring home the definition of ‘having something in common’ with people. They MORPH into having EVERYTHING in common with us – and there are MANY of us in every walk of life that they use on a daily basis.

A Narcissist is very calculating and refuses ANY connection or obedience to any of the requirements of life or the natural moral laws as they apply to human dignity and human rights. Obedience to a Narcissist implies that there is something larger or better than what they are, and they will never comply because it would define them as being weak to allow anyone to feel significant enough to be their equal or better. They self-create their omnipotence with lies, rewriting history and manipulating people to prop themselves up. It is almost like the Narcissist completely relates everything in life to a measurement – but this measurement begins with them – or as the saying goes, the sun rises and sets on a Narcissist because they feel they are above all life and they will do everything they can to control people and life to make it so.

A Narcissist creates the terms of how THEY measure everything in life. So, if they were a ‘tape measure or a ruler’, they would determine the dynamics of each and every measurement OR define every inch of every foot, and you can believe that it would NOT be consistent as it is SUPPOSED to be. The Narcissist must be ‘that which measures’ (and judges) and NEVER that WHICH IS MEASURED and NEVER judged. Literally they coin the phrase “give them an inch and they will take a yard.” Well that and anything else they can get that serves them.

A Narcissist is calculating for the sake of procuring power! Power allows them the control over others that they need to function and survive in our world. It also protects them from exposure and facing the truth of their own disordered and abusive lifestyle. This false mask hides AND protects the Narcissist from having to face themselves off in the mirror and see the reality of WHAT THEY ARE – a modern day ‘DENIAL’ monster that is destructive and abuses life and people to get their own way. Their goal posts that define them are interchangeable and constantly changing to always and ONLY meet THEIR needs no matter WHO they hurt or destroy in the process. They most assuredly destroy a target that catches onto them, plus they already have a replacement or two or ten waiting in the wings to pick up the whole process where they left it off with us, stealing ‘supply’ and sucking the very life force out of the new target. No fuss, no muss, and never emotions or love just a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist has a new host ready and waiting – seriously this is the truth and what we MUST accept to move on and away from this abuse. We must discard any matters of the heart or mind as they concern trying to figure the Narcissist out OR trying to help or heal them or investing any emotions in them. We must empower ourselves with the truth that this was situational abuse and we MUST get out to heal and move forward to a healthy life – and one we all deserve. Knowledge is our superpower! No/minimal contact to get your freedom back!

Those internal messages, the blame, the shame, the hurt, the devastation and the trauma.

Those internal messages, the blame, the shame, the hurt, the devastation and the trauma. The truth that so many people do NOT understand unless they have personally experienced abuse from a Narcissist. BUT, you can beat this with knowledge, education, support, time and most importantly taking your power back and putting all of your energy back into YOU and discarding everything Narcissist from your heart, mind, soul and life.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

This abuse is NOT limited to ‘love’ relationships only. Narcissists can be family members like a mother/father, brother/sister, boss/co-worker, friend/relative or anyone for that matter. Targets/victims are often victimized by more than one person as well because they have only learned or known this dehumanizing abuse for a very long period or all of their lives if they are a child of a Narcissistic parent. They internalize an abusive message that there is something is wrong with them and that they deserve this kind of abuse, and then resign themselves to their fate. Targets/victims may not reach their potential in their personal or professional lives because they always have to stand in the shadow of their abuser(s) – and that is all they have ever known in the case of Narcissistic parents. They learn to live in the shadows without knowing why – and that why was born out of the debasing control from abuse at the hands of a Narcissist.

No relationship ever ends in such a shroud of hate as one that ends with a Narcissist. They annihilate every aspect of the relationship, the person, their life, their family, their friends AND basically everything in a manner to completely disable you/us. Every action and word that comes from a Narcissist is a bizarre attack on your personal reality. It takes you from the goodness and normality that you have had all of your life to a dark place where you now have feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness because EVERYTHING you do is wrong and you are basically worthless. Even after separation from a Narcissist, the abuse lives on because like a poison it has entered into every cell in your body and in the case of a Narcissistic abuse the poison destroys the mind and reality of their target/victim!

OK – YOU CAN BEAT THIS! You have the ability to unlearn what the Narcissist has conditioned you into believing about yourself and purge the many negative message out of your mind. That old saying “A horse can be led to water but they can’t be made to drink it” – well lets change that a little bit and say “A horse can be led to water and taste it, drink it and swallow it – BUT it can stop drinking it, walk completely away from it and not only find a better watering hole BUT healthier and greener pastures and other fully functioning horses.” You have to do this so that you aren’t stuck in a fog of lies that will only guide your life in a negative and destructive direction. What the Narcissist has internalized in you can be EXTERNALIZED and thrown away.

Move yourself away from any level of this abuse by knowing that you and only you can change and find normality and the reality of a better life. Say no to the Narcissist, say no to the messages in your head that say you are not worthy, SAY NO TO THE ABUSE. Those negative words and debasing actions are only a curse/spell that the Narcissist casts out on the world and it can’t stick if the Narcissist doesn’t have you under his/her spell. Once you have the education that enables you to see the very truth about this abusive Narcissist, you can remove yourself and break the spell. You have the power to govern your own will and what you will do with your life. You have to take all of that power AWAY from the Narcissist and give it back to yourself. Yes of course no-contact – but when you have to have minimal contact use the truth to really see the evil that is standing in front of you and disengage in your mind from any thought, words or actions they send your way because they are like bullets from a gun and meant to harm you! Greg

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