Author Archives: ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse

One of the most obvious signs of malignant narcissism is the way they constantly devalue and malign others.

One of the most obvious signs of malignant narcissism is the way they constantly devalue and malign others. They are constantly remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider that friendship, love, or any connection with another person should ever hurt us or another person nor take them down a road of destruction.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist’s self-regulating and controlling mechanics always involves pulling people into their lair and extracting information from them AND in turn using this information for whatever GAIN they desire or to use against them – we ALL have experienced this! Be it the CHARM or love bombing to harvest their main sources of supply, or people to prop up their hideous façade of saintliness. If that entails being, charming, exciting, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it – just technique for toxic people and Narcissists!

Their abuse is not only confined to a single person, but instead it is a complex network that includes their primary and secondary supply sources as well as their supportive adoring friends, family members, all of which are basically seduced into their roles too! The Narcissist NEEDS this network to survive (ALL supply) as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them. They need a network of people to support their ‘needy needs’ so this is a full-time job for them to control the world around them. BUT the key element is that they are always on the defensive and everybody is essentially an enemy or someone to use for support because their world is full of lies and holes as it concerns the pretend reality, they PRESENT to us! They are quite used to getting busted and we all have an expiration date with them – so there is ALWAYS the devaluation and smear campaign for them to prepare for and that is why they have been gathering information AND releasing it (backstabbing) well before they are gone — so they have been backstabbing us all throughout the relationship to set up their farewell and total attack on our life.

So, with that in mind the Narcissist is ALSO grooming others WITH a deceptive agenda – DIVIDE AND CONQUER. They feel such an intense high or euphoria when they play people against each other, ESPECIALLY when it becomes a competition for them to gain adulation/adoration. Narcissists will absolutely manufacture situations to make you jealous and question their connection with you, relationship, and even fidelity in a so-called love connection. They will even make you think that the people closest to you are talking behind your back. The Narcissist will present the allegations as a concern of course to minimalize the real agenda to put wedges in between you and the people closest to you. The reverse is also true because the Narcissist will go to the people closest to you and make them believe you have said things about them as well – AND only out of concern of course! This basically isolates you from the people closest to you and forces you to become dependent on the concerned Narcissist. Pure deception that destroys you as well as your integrity.

. Remember there is always a bigger picture AND rhyme to their reason – so they are doing this with everyone AND putting that wedge in between people with a bit of their backstabbing to compartmentalize people or divide and conquer. They triangulate with your family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, co-workers, neighbors, ex partners, and yes potential new supply (but they usually do that on the side, so we are none the wiser.) Whatever the situation they will triangulate so this even happens within the Narcissist’s own family structure and with their friends, etc. They are essentially triangulating everybody to stay in charge and control of their immediate world by playing one person against the next.

I often would wonder why destruction is also a component to this abuse. Just why doesn’t this Narcissist use their fake love to keep us entangled in their world to achieve everlasting supply. Well, the answer is quite simple – without emotions and empathy they are cut off at the knees because there is no human bond or love within them, so it is all about control to fulfill their every need, which inevitably ends up with destruction/abuse of the person they are controlling. The HARM is just as much of a working component as the CHARM. Remember that their actions are cognitive decisions meaning they KNOW what they are doing – so do not ever let anyone tell you that they do not know what they are doing or try to define it as YOUR issue. They have a functioning brain that is able to conceptualize what they NEED to do to get what they want, as well as see the harm they do to people.  Most importantly with understanding this is without the ability to bond with anyone they just get bored and need new and more exciting supply for affirmation like an addict needs their fix or substance to feed their addiction and believe me they are always searching for it.

Normal people grow with their care and ability to love but not with a Narcissist. Just like a child with a new toy that they become bored with, they cast it off for another new toy. YES, we are just like a toy to them or an object and that is all – that is why they can act so hateful without flinching because they do not care and cannot care – but they can imitate those emotions like a pro when we are shiny and new to them, but then we see the truth behind the façade. We are only a TOOL for them as long as we provide continual supply for them or an OBSTACLE to destroy when we get in the way of their VAST number of needs or until something else comes along. No/minimal contact to get them completely out of your life. Greg

Narcissists wear many faces/masks to meet all of their particular needs which are MANY AND UNENDING – but basically, they are ALL just variations on two distinct ones. The ‘working one to snare their supply in’ or charming and saintly face they wear outside or publicly for everyone to see and the REAL one that they unleash onto those they abuse in PRIVATE.

Narcissists wear many faces/masks to meet all of their particular needs which are MANY AND UNENDING – but basically, they are ALL just variations on two distinct ones. The ‘working one to snare their supply in’ or charming and saintly face they wear outside or publicly for everyone to see and the REAL one that they unleash onto those they abuse in PRIVATE. Only those of us that are/were close to the Narcissist know the reality of that REAL face – the rest of the world do not see past the saintly one the Narcissists works so diligently at to hide the truth of who they are.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist

Some simple logic! A Narcissist is not acting on any singular ‘normal’ human premise and all the Narcissist is doing is playing (manipulating) people for the reaction he/she wants – to control you because they WANT SOMETHING. The truth is irrelevant to a Narcissist because they do not even know what ‘truth’ is. Truth or lies, it is all irrelevant to the Narcissist, so whatever works for them and that is usually lies. They are connecting with us for ONE reason only ‘objectification” and we are there to serve them as Narcissistic Supply and that is it. Why do they create the huge production with the entire ‘charm’ factor? To gain our trust first, and then in turn we speak highly of them in the beginning and that reinforces their con job of a life to the masses. We are none the wiser, PLUS they gain access to attack us using our trust and vulnerabilities to drive the psychological abuse straight to our minds to disable us. Be it backstabbing, triangulating, and smearing our good name or whatever they decide to do to get us! But do not forget we were singing their praises at first and they were destroying our integrity behind our backs. So, when you start telling the truth more than likely you will hear, “I thought you were great friends, co-workers, (or whatever causal relationship you had with them), but you are reminded that you were talking how great he/she was”. We are damned if we do, or damned if we don’t!

So, to support this let us just say it would be more correct to say that there is no such thing as truth to a Narcissist, because there is no such thing as truth when you are playing pretend with the world and everybody in it. Kids do this but there is an innocence in their make-believe world. A Narcissist creates delusional ‘make believe worlds’ and there is NO innocence whatsoever to the reason why they do it – instead, it is diabolical and meant to control people. Therefore, Narcissists and psychopaths beat lie detector tests! Narcissists and psychopaths are known to get so good at manipulating people that by the time they are teenagers or young adults, they routinely fool and manipulate family, mental healthcare professionals, teachers, law enforcement, judges, social workers, OR you name it, and they can fool them. Really builds up a strong case as to just how destructive these critters are in our world!

It is not a matter of their intelligence by any means it is a matter of practice and experience – and they have a lifetime of this experience. You CAN’T always trust an institution or organization to filter out the personality disordered Narcissists either because they are just that good at getting behind a job that makes them seem to be goodness personified and they will use this guise to abuse at the worksite also.

Narcissists are experts at tearing down whoever is above them on the ladder of success in their choice of fields or careers. That is what Narcissists do nonstop all their lives, or ‘one up’ whomever they can because that is what is at the core of their disorder and they have to feel superior to everyone. They get exceptionally good at it too, because this aspect of their personality disorder is part of an agenda that benefit them. In fact, they get so good at climbing over those they throw down that they come out smelling like a rose, because nobody even knows that the Narcissist instigated the talk that destroyed their person of choice. BUT they are not always as smart as they believe they are and eventually you do come to find out the truth. Narcissists have no boundaries about exploiting and tearing down their ‘betters’, because they have no empathy, and no conscience. It is just everyday life to a Narcissist.

This is also true if they are an administrator or in charge of an organization. They live for and enjoy the chaos or what they think is “getting tough” with their subordinates and firing them. They love doing that, because that is what Narcissists do, vaunt themselves on others by bullying whomever they can and sometimes it is with a smile – they love or better yet crave control and power. It can actually be observed as an asset by some, because it makes them look like good “tough” managers of personnel. Often you will hear a Narcissist praise themselves with phrases like, “people don’t like me because I speak my peace!” No people do not like them because they speak with their lies – but a Narcissist re-writes everything to suit their distorted vision of themselves – they feel omnipotent.

Narcissists are shameless self-promoters, experts at carving out the perfect (false) image for themselves. In fact, they see no reason to work for credits or credentials, so they just fake it whenever possible or cheat their way through life. They may do this with fake credentials, cheating their way through college or even buy a fake degree. On the job, they steal the credit that belongs to others constantly!

So, then what is the kiss of death to a predator like the Narcissist, EXPOSURE because it’s like a repellant that warns people or exposes the truth about them? So, with this in mind a Narcissist lives in constant fear of people finding out that they are a wolf behind sheep’s clothing, or that they just use people, or they want to take away or extort everything that you have that they do not have, and that they will vandalize your integrity and good image to improve their own. They will sabotage you in an effort to virtually destroy you or something you have done, and they don’t even flinch at the idea of how they have lied to accomplish this – they just try to hide in the shadows thinking they are all the wiser for getting away with their attempt to smear the integrity of someone they are envious about. Oh – you are probably guilty of doing some infraction to them – quite possibly you simply disagreed with them and that was enough for them to try to annihilate you, your work, your project, OR your life.

They also live in constant fear of ANYBODY learning the shocking truth about their past exploits, or the many other people they have intentionally destroyed. They also live in constant fear of people discovering, what they do in their immoral and dysfunctional world. They are really all around us – you have experienced them as well as I have too. Given enough rope they do eventually hang themselves – but seriously they will slip out of the noose and lie even more. Remember no matter what capacity a Narcissist resides in your life; they are dangerous to your well-being – they take anybody and everybody from Charm to Harm! The only solution is to cut ALL ties with them with no/minimal contact! Greg

That extreme FOG and CONFUSION or clinically what is called ‘cognitive dissonance.’

That extreme FOG and CONFUSION or clinically what is called ‘cognitive dissonance.’ How we get manipulated and stuck in between the complete POLAR OPPOSITES of the Charm and Harm! A Narcissist intentionally inflicts this duality upon us to keep us confused, disoriented, constantly performing for them, and walking on those eggshells, but we NEVER find any sense of reality as far as OUR part in this relationship with them!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

This is a person we cared for, loved, or basically believed in no matter what the relationship was! But they demeaned us, hurt us, and made us feel wrong and worthless! How can both of these things coexist and be true. What did we believe in that now makes us feel so confused and lost – is it us? NO this is what emotional and psychological abusers do to people – tear their victims down piece by piece to control them. It is NOT you it is the abuse situation! Unfortunately, we bonded with them and that tugs at our heart and messes with our emotions and mind – that is what makes it so hard to cross that bridge to the REAL truth that they abused us.

Most every conversation you have or had with them always seemed to leave you confused and drained. You and ONLY you were left with the burden of trying to figure out what they have said or basically what the heck just happened. It was like a hit and run accident and you are/were left in shock trying to gain a foothold of the incident. A basic conversation would go from zero to a hundred miles per hour and in a direction that put you in the path of an unavoidable crash, AND you were not able to control the direction you were headed in. FACT – it was meant to be that way!

You ask yourself how did this all start and what led up to it? You will end up spending hours, or perhaps even days, obsessing over the intent of the message or argument. You exhaust all your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing – it was pre-planned to be this way by the Narcissist. There does not seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but there is as far as it concerns the Narcissist that is controlling you. They do not care so there is no reality – but on the other hand YOU believed in this person and do/did care. You are left at such a conflicting place with polar opposite thoughts that only confound and confuse you – so you only try or tried harder to fix what you couldn’t.

Let’s look at this confusion. Everything they have absorbed or learned about you was being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to charm you because they know your likes and they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no you in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!

So, what about these ridiculous and crazy arguments, etc. You could have NEVER kept up with the original conversation (or argument) in a realistic manner because it was basically nonsensical in your mind and had no real basis of reality. But it served a purpose as far as the Narcissist is concerned to deflect from something or the other, or there was an agenda to it, or to demean and dehumanize you – control, control, CONTROL. BUT it served its purpose because it confounded or confused you and forced you to process the CRAZY information with no real success. You will have many rebuttals going on in your head AFTER THE FACT because you feel a need to defend yourself or rationalize what happened. Basically, you are trying to fix the situation, but was it an argument because you really didn’t do anything but yet you feel like you did something, BUT WHAT IS IT YOU DID??

BAM, this is exactly the place a Narcissist wants you to go to – total confusion and insanity – THIS is the emotional/psychological abuse that disabled you. They have drawn from the vast wealth of knowledge they have gained from observing you and use it consistently to maneuver you into a place of confusion and isolation. There are many reasons behind each of these scenarios, but they are basically to manage you down and to control you. However, you will try to resolve this because you feel you need to address what happened and more than likely to defend yourself hoping for resolution but in the end you’ll find that you are the person apologizing. After a while, these crazy arguments will have you stuck in the confusion so much so that you have lost all perspective of your relationship, as well as your value in the relationship. You are always responding to the Narcissist’s crazy making and never participating in a reciprocal or real relationship. You are being emotionally and psychologically abused! Again this is because of the bond we have with them – or the bond we were manipulated into believing and what keep us or kept us attached at the hip trying to find cohesiveness where there was NONE!

With all that being said, your mind is always trying to process a duality that exists – you care or love them and believe in them but on the other hand you don’t like what they do to you and you find yourself buried under all of this confusion. How can the person you have come to care or love and vice versa, have changed so drastically? They have not changed; you are only seeing the truth about who and what they are. You just do not completely get it yet. What exists is cognitive dissonance. In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values. The theory of cognitive dissonance focuses on how we strive for internal consistency. When inconsistency (dissonance) is experienced, individuals tend to become psychologically uncomfortable and they are motivated to attempt to reduce this dissonance, as well as actively avoiding the situations and information which are likely to increase it. The struggle exists within loving this monster and trying to avoid the unavoidable and consistent managing down (or the dissonance.) How do you avoid this when there is a bond or love is the reality that you are hanging onto?

So again – whatever they may have done to you was done with intent no matter how it may have hurt you AND they just do not care and feel justified in their actions. There is no real relationship or love as far as the Narcissist is concerned. They live in a perverted and out of control world and take whatever they can from people with NO CONCERN to the harm they inflict on anybody else. AGAIN, WE MUST UNDERSTAND that there is no real relationship with them! We BELIEVE there is BUT we are all just taking our turn as supply and even though we are their PRIMARY source that still does not mean that it is real by any means.

So, in a nutshell what does this cognitive dissonance do to us on our journey forward? You start the process of recovery in disbelief, fear, and shock! The shock in essence numbs you temporarily from going completely insane by giving you the ability to separate yourself from the totality of this disaster or some breathing room – it is nature’s sedative. Once the dust settles though you start to see the whole picture standing before you and now reality sets in. As you are setting out on this journey your emotions are going to be overwhelming as you try to understand all of this and they get in the way and confuse you. You are trying to sort through pure chaos, and you may respond to it with tremendous ambivalence, anger, hatred, vengefulness, and MANY other negative feelings. Along with this you will be doing some deep soul searching trying to put perspective on so many opposing thoughts that do not correlate with the care or love you believed in AND it creates a huge void and a great sense of being so lost and alone in all of this.

You must constantly tell yourself and reinforce that this was not a normal or real person that COULD care, love, or bond with you. You must accept that it was a huge lie and most importantly that it had nothing to do with you because the Narcissist managed you down to believe that you are to blame and the disordered one! You must accept that it did happen to you and there is no rhyme nor reason to it because Narcissists are character disordered and in a class of their own. They are dangerous to human beings and destructive and you are so FORTUNATE to be FREE of them (in time you will clearly see this). You are a testament to the very reality and truth that YOU have experienced their psychological abuse and have been severely damaged by a relationship with them. You must completely switch off from thoughts that pull you into believing they will change, or you can fix them – YOU CAN’T!

Now you must actualize that there is so much goodness in you and seriously that is what this Narcissist wanted to own and destroy and that is why they targeted and disabled temporarily. You ARE a good person and probably an AMAZING person so do not ever lose touch with this because the Narcissist told you differently. They are disordered and negative and they live with this premise to make everyone else around them unstable by managing them down. THIS is what psychopaths do to their targets, manage them down to nothingness to control them.

You have to create a discipline to stop looking at the ‘what ifs’ or ‘could I have done this or that’ or that somehow you caused this abhorrent treatment. You have to stop yourself from trying to obtain information about what they are doing through social media OR trying to make any type of contact with them. You seriously have to just stop thinking about them as being anything real to you and concentrate on YOU. Tell yourself that this is DONE! Yes, there are situations that you must stay in contact with them, but again you must separate the emotions and break the chain that binds you to their psychopathy and keep it to the business at hand. Ask yourself what it is you would want back (as in fixing the relationship?) Do you want to enter back into the abuse to experience more dehumanization, lies, betrayal and extortion? No of course not! Lock into this message and put your happiness first!

One last situation we must discuss is ‘victim blaming.’ This is where our voices are once again diminished by the very people that say everything we experienced is/was OUR fault, or that WE allowed it. All they are doing is giving credence to the Narcissist as if WE knew they were abusers and allowed their abuse through OUR weaknesses, or the abuser cannot help themselves. These very people define the Narcissist in a manner to suggest that this abuse or any abuse is absolute and can be justified by the mere fact that WE were just weak by NOT being able to see it, and thus the blame falls squarely on us. A Narcissist or any abuser for that manner is well aware of their actions and uses the many masks, facades, emotional manipulation, psychological abuse, the lies, and diversions to hide their very pathology so they can harvest as much supply as they can and walk around in our world undetected. That is all cognitive, meaning it is part of their conscious thinking or in other words they DO know what they are doing. This falls right into the cognitive dissonance theory by putting us right back in that space where the truth of the abuse is questioned once more as if WE were just that dumb, have issues, belongs to us, and becomes our fault. Psychological and emotional abuse traumatizes and paralyses people and abuse is never right, nor can it be justified by careless people and careless words. We have learned or are learning the dynamics POST abuse and will do all we can to take a hard look at ourselves, create strong boundaries, reaching out to find positive solutions, and apply these new lessons. Do not let anyone diminish you with this nonsense blame or shame – YOU know the real truth.

Now as far as connecting to the reasons WHY you were the target of this disordered Narcissist – in a nutshell it is because they are predators after prey pure and simple. With this type of encounter with horrendous abuse we have a strong desire to re-evaluate our life and behavior. Again, this is normal and can be progressive in your recovery because it is your desire and ability to grow, transcend and move forward. The encounter will provide a spark to grow and evaluate your inner self to correct anything that kept you tied to the abuse and you will correct all of that with introspection and boundaries – but that will happen once you traveled through the truth that this was abuse and you are no longer vulnerable and caught up in the distorted emotions and confusion. Acceptance will move you forward, anything else will pull you right back into the confusion as well as more abuse and you will only have to start at square one AGAIN! No/minimal contact to start this important journey. You can and WILL get through this confusion if you empower yourself with knowledge, education, support from other victims/survivors for clarity, and using your voice to gain the information you need to move forward! Greg

Narcissists are ALWAYS playing the victim but WHY?

Narcissists are ALWAYS playing the victim but WHY? Because it is just another mask/façade that they wear to make their many agendas and lies work and to discredit YOU when you point out their manipulation, deception, and lies! It is also another form of gaslighting to make YOU feel like you constantly misrepresent what THEY say and do and that interprets into YOU having issues and not them!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

They also hide behind this victim card to cover up how THEY have abused another person – and use the opportunity to create a smear campaign against the very person they abused! They also LOVE to play on and USE the sympathies of others for gain and while they are doing that, they are also able to pull a ‘supporter or minion’ into the mix to help them condemn a past victim or destroying the reputation of someone they want to attack. Actualizing the truth empowers us and takes their power away. Remember that they have compartmentalized MANY sources of supply and have charmed them into their roles as they did to us to achieve every possible agenda.

A Narcissist is COMPLETELY calculating in every area of life to CONTROL people and their environment. They refuse ANY connection or obedience to the basic requirements of life or the natural moral laws as they apply to life and human rights – and they void all of that with BLAME and playing the VICTIM. Obedience to a Narcissist implies that there is something larger or better than what they are, and they will never comply because it would define them as being weak to allow anyone to feel significant enough to be their equal or better. It is almost like the Narcissist completely relates everything in life to a measurement – but this measurement begins with them – or as the saying goes, the sun rises and sets on a Narcissist because they feel they are above all life.

A Narcissist is calculating for the sake of procuring power! Power allows them the control over others that they need to function and survive in our world. It also protects them from exposure and facing the truth of their own disordered and abusive lifestyle. This false mask hides AND protects the Narcissist from having to face themselves off in the mirror and see the reality of WHAT THEY ARE – a modern day ‘DENIAL’ monster that is destructive and abuses life and people. They most assuredly destroy a target that catches on to them, plus they already have the replacement waiting in the wings to pick up the whole process where they left it off with us, stealing ‘supply’ and sucking the very life out of the new target. No fuss, no muss, and never emotions or love just a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist has a new host ready and waiting – seriously this is the truth.

Their entire life is built upon this premise to find “supply” to shore up their façade and they will employ the most devious means at their disposal to get it. So, this chameleon like Narcissist has many colors that help them adapt to every situation that exists that include every gambit of life – from like, love, dislike, hate, destruction, and victimization – and this is all very functional to them as well as mechanical to them and their lifestyle to GET WHAT THEY WANT. The key thing here is that they are abusive and psychologically damaging to people because they loathe people and life and create personal battles to make us pay for their hate.

Nevertheless, our first experiences with the Narcissist have allowed us to believe in a prince/princess ‘charming’ who have done great things in our lives like loving us (or being that amazing friend, co-worker, professional, parent, sibling, etc.) – so we hold on to/keep the faith and live with this Narcissist’s amazing BUT fake integrity. It is our empathy, love and basic trust that are targeted. The Narcissist has bamboozled us through this wondrous and seemingly normal façade that IMITATES extreme goodness as well as fake virtues that we hold in good faith BUT really with little or no real accountability and that was a BIG OOPS. SO, there within the problem LIES – the Narcissist is so very adept at circumventing the intellect and manipulating man/womankind by their craft or better yet craftiness that they have perfected all their life, so they target us where it counts – OUR EMOTIONS, TRUST, and LOVE!

Because Narcissists have depleted or deleted their character so profoundly through choices contrary to the norms of reason or basic DENIAL, they will even begin to see themselves as what they project, mirror, and bounce off us. If you are not governed by any natural or moral laws, but by the law of “whatever you want to be to get whatever you want” well then you hold great power, but you need to CONTROL the world to achieve this superiority, so the narcissist is fundamentally a dictator in all of their relationships because this is what they want to be – it is always about controlling their victim and using whatever they can to get there. In the end they will ALWAYS play the victim card to throw blame back onto us.

That CHARMING person that swept you off your feet and became the HARMING person in your life will always become increasingly more and more transparent and eventually show their VAST array of fake personalities. From beginning to end, this was a phony relationship that only offered you a toxic dose of fake care, love, and real abuse. The Narcissist created an emotional and psychopathic bond through deception and manipulation – LIES, LIES, LIES – and we were seduced by them and maintained this relationship through self-sacrifice and denial. It is not what we wanted AT ALL — we were led/manipulated into this deception because of the vast arsenal of tools a Narcissist uses to emotionally and psychologically seduce a target/victim. No/minimal contact so that you can return to a healthy life. Greg

Bait, switch, deny, blame, diminish and BAM a Narcissist successfully devalues the very person they attacked with their chaos. Understanding the Narcissist’s agenda of devaluing us and then projecting THEIR faults onto us all at the same time. Narcissistic magic to make them the virtuous one by turning it around and blaming us for what THEY do!

Bait, switch, deny, blame, diminish and BAM a Narcissist successfully devalues the very person they attacked with their chaos. Understanding the Narcissist’s agenda of devaluing us and then projecting THEIR faults onto us all at the same time. Narcissistic magic to make them the virtuous one by turning it around and blaming us for what THEY do!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

When a Narcissist verbally attacks, devalues, or projects slander onto their targets/victims, they have two objectives. One is projection of course (accusing us of what they do), BUT the other is to “dirty a bright spot in your character” with whatever lies or slander they are projecting at you. It is as though any shiny part of your image diminishes the glow of their façade and that just angers that destructive inner child of theirs off. You can never be anything but inferior to them. This is of course the mentality of the Narcissistic terrorist, who must malign and tear other people’s integrity down and ultimately harm OR destroy them with what only amounts to a chaotic counterattack to protect their distorted and damaged existence.

Projection and smearing at the same time are a work of art for the Narcissist, and it is uncanny how Narcissists manage to accomplish it. It is all in the way their words are carefully placed, because not only do they ditch one of their faults, but they also muddy up one of your virtues in the process until they eradicate all your goodness. They are so glib and amazingly adept at “killing two birds with that one stone.”

Think about situations where they may have been caught in one of their many lies – and instead of accepting accountability they completely divert and accuse you of the same thing and then they start dissembling you bit by bit! It is all about getting that reaction as well – because that takes the situation into another direction and away from them. SO again, this is done to get us to react – In turn we start our own projecting back to our Narcissist – but NOT in any manner similar to what they project onto us – we project in an effort to use our empathy and critical thinking to TRY to make things right or fix them. But remember the Narcissist is training us like a dog to make us do tricks. So, we learn that by remaining silent, avoiding making them accountable, showing more affection, being so good to them, or loving/caring them before ourselves, we get our just reward. Basically, we project a ‘happy face’ when inside we are conflicted, protecting ourselves, confused, manipulated, betrayed, and demeaned. It is absolutely dehumanizing and subjugation pure and simple. Therefore they malign all people – I have a new term for this and it is ‘hate bombing!’ Just like the ‘love bombing’ it has its purpose to keep us controlled BUT in a negative and fearful way.

Their projection works amazingly well because it is just so much crazy thrown at us that we are never the wiser or seeing it as projection because it is shocking and then once again it adds another level of the abuse and damages our chances of fixing things ONCE AGAIN – bit by bit they are erasing us. We react by wanting to set it all straight, so it just put us back into that place where we were explaining ourselves again and bending over backwards to fix another deluded accusation – another day another loss of who we are?

Again, remember none of what they said about you was real, BUT It was real for the Narcissist because THEY were doing whatever they accused us of — SO to cleanse themselves of the horrendous wrongdoing they have done, they had to project this onto us and see us squirm and basically punish us for their acts of infidelity. They essentially put themselves up on their grand pulpit and exclaimed that they were OUR sins as well as proclaiming their high morality as in they would NEVER commit such an act when they just did. This is how they dump the guilt and patch up their virtuous façade. It is ALL about the reaction, deflection, attacking our virtues, turning the blame onto us.

It is all very confusing when you are going through it. But understand and remember this, the Narcissist isn’t attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments.’ Consequently, when the Narcissist is conducting a character assassination against you or someone else, the gun the Narcissists shoots never hits one of that person’s real flaws, it is shot at you (or whomever) to just wound you enough to disable you. Believe me they will keep shooting and wounding you in the hopes of completely crippling you as time goes by because they must do this to remain in control and protect their false life and lies.

OK, so the point here was to understand some of the mechanics that will hopefully help you release from the blame and shame that the Narcissist dumped into your head. You do not deserve to carry a debt for the time you spent with this person. You ARE a normal and loving human being that is equipped with empathy and you proved that all along. Do you ever remember feeling like this before you got involved with this Narcissist? NO, unless you were with another Narcissist. You did not magically go from a good person to an insensitive, non-caring person that could do nothing right in this crazy and debilitating relationship. You are not crazy or insane either. You were abused by a very defective person that ultimately managed you down more and more until eventually you lost sight of the real you. You will become that real person you once were because unlike the Narcissist WE ARE ABLE TO CHANGE. You were disabled by the extreme tactics used on you. With introspection, time, support, and real love, you can and will turn around. It is time for you to BELIEVE in yourself completely and discard everything and anything about what this Narcissist made you believe about yourself. They were a nightmare in your life, and now that you are awake and free from them it is time to put the real perspective or truth back into your reality that you are a normal and amazing person that has the tools to become whole again. You really have to use them to succeed, so PLEASE no/minimal contact to start you out on that road to recovery! Greg

We must get real with our abuser and this abuse. What this means is that we have to see them for what they are and what they do to good and loving people and discard them from our heart, our mind, our lives and our world.

We must get real with our abuser and this abuse. What this means is that we have to see them for what they are and what they do to good and loving people and discard them from our heart, our mind, our lives and our world. We do this through knowledge, education, and support for the clarity we need to move forward with positive solutions.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From charm to Harm and Everything Else in between with a Narcissist

They are so very destructive and full of CONFLICT, jealousy, rage, insecurity, and hatred. A Narcissist has no real identity they are a HUGE void and what we see and believe is only an illusion built on their ability to CHARM, manipulate, and control other people to serve an agenda – THEIR agenda. In reality this illusion is built upon a parasitic relationship with you and me – in other words, they NEED us to be viable or real and they can ONLY do this by controlling us. Without us their illusion or façade is shattered, and they become worthless and powerless, so they are always creating some sort of FAKE persona to be able to secure supply. This is a hard concept to actualize because they seem so ‘real’ to us (at first) – BUT again the ‘real’ you relate to is the disabling control they have and have had over you that managed you down to the point of feeling worthless in their presence – it was all manipulation to get you to this place. It is very much just brain-washing and behavioral modification. You believed you cared or loved this person, but you only cared or loved an image that was meant to ALSO control you and eventually trap you into their agenda. A REAL relationship yields trust and that is what was at the heart of the Narcissist’s agenda in tricking you into this illusion of trust! I do not like believing that people can be this evil, but I had to learn this to get back to me again by accepting the truth that monsters do exist!

While healthy relationships have room for respectful disagreement and consideration of one’s feelings, with the Narcissist, conflict, gaslighting and constant emotional invalidation become the norm or better yet part of their working facade. Gaslighting is a technique abusers use to convince you that your perception of the abuse is inaccurate. During the devaluation and discard phases, the narcissist will often invalidate and criticize your emotions, and displace any blame of his or her abuse as your fault. Frequent use of phrases such as “You provoked me,” “You’re too sensitive,” “I never said that” or “You’re taking things too seriously” after the narcissists’ abusive outbursts are common and are used to gaslight you into thinking that the abuse is indeed your fault or that it never even took place.

Narcissists are also very skilled in a manner to dissociate any real guilt or shame that they should feel about their betrayal, dehumanization, and antisocial behaviors. This dissociation is like a force field that protects the Narcissist from seeing their real identity and realizing how cruel their actions actually are. This dissociation also prevents them from experiencing any guilt. Dissociation is a difficult concept to grasp and basically clinical in nature. It means to block out a thought or emotion. In the real world we just say Narcissists DO NOT CARE and that is the basic reality with them. Watch them run off after they are exposed and start a whole new life again with new supply AND within days of ending their relationship with you. You will be blocked from their social media site or account, ostracized as being mentally insane, a liar, abusive to them, AND THEY HATE YOU. Just another HUGE wall they create to block how they abused another person!

Recovery requires a complete indulgence and openness to look inward. It is a process that requires education, introspection, spirituality, voicing your fears, connecting with other targets/survivors, and a therapist if possible. You MUST totally acknowledge the truth about this person you loved and that is that they are an abuser, psychological terrorist, and psychological rapist. The process begins when you say no to the negative messages left behind and open your ears and eyes to a new life that seeks out true goodness because it is still there where it always was. Finally, you must put the Narcissist away forever because there is absolutely nothing that you need to connect with as far as it concerns them. That means any memories or any other thought about them! The wounds will turn into scars and you will come out of this with new boundaries, a new voice, and your old belief system back in place but so much stronger. DON’T allow them to have a hold on your complete future! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

Abuse by Proxy or triangulation or divide and conquer.

Abuse by Proxy or triangulation or divide and conquer. KEEPING us in a revolving circle of chaos and abuse by PROXY as well as compartmentalizing and separating people to keep their lies and secrets personalized and away from people that KNOW the truth or find out the LIES! JUST another deceptive tool of the Narcissist’s trade.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Triangulation is just another tool the Narcissist uses to create a powerful and seductive bond over their targets (and everybody else in the target/victim’s world.) Narcissists use triangulation on a regular basis to shore up their fake image through compartmentalizing people – this keeps their lies hidden from one person to the next. They also do this to seem in ‘high-demand,’ and to keep you always obsessed with them by creating and telling you about all the amazing friends and connections they have out there BUT that is all fake. Remember they are also doing this with everyone AND putting that wedge in between people with a bit of their back-stabbing – again to compartmentalize people or again divide and conquer. They just do not do this to make you jealous with potential or new supply, they triangulate with your family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, ex partners (if they have anything to do with them,) and yes potential new supply (but they usually do that on the side, so we are none the wiser.) to start putting that wedge in-between you and everyone else in YOUR world. Whatever the situation they will triangulate, so this even happens within the Narcissist’s own family structure and with their friends, etc. They are essentially triangulating everybody to stay in charge and control of all people in their immediate world.

The Narcissist is basically grooming others WITH a deceptive agenda – DIVIDE AND CONQUER. They feel such an intense high or euphoria when they engage and play people against each other OR abuse by proxy. It becomes a competition for them to gain more adulation/adoration and to cause chaos and confusion. Narcissists will absolutely manufacture situations to make you jealous and question their connection with you, relationship, and even fidelity in a so-called love connection. They will even make you think that the people closest to you are talking behind your back especially if the Narcissist is trying to convince YOU that you have ISSUES. The Narcissist will present the allegations as a concern of course to minimalize the real agenda to put doubt and wedges in between you and the people closest to you. The reverse is also true because the Narcissist will go to the people closest to you and make them believe you have said things about them as well – AND only out of concern of course! This basically isolates you from the people closest to you and forces you to become dependent on the concerned Narcissist. Pure deception that destroys you as well as your integrity.

In a normal relationship, people go out of their way to prove that they are trustworthy, but a Narcissist does exactly the opposite. They are constantly throwing subtle hints out there that make you feel insecure that ‘others’ are talking about you, or they may be pursuing other options, or spending time with other people, so that you can never feel secure or have any sense of a real connection with them. They will always compound this and deny it, calling you jealous, possessive, or even crazy if you bring it up or even suggest such a thing. The Narcissist works everything they do into every possible vantage point to control and manage you down. Where you started off and became accustomed to such a high level of charm and flattering attention (after they first lured you in with the love bombing,) it NOW feels very personal and unnerving because they are directing that attention elsewhere and they know what they are doing.

When you are going through this it is never apparent because so much abuse is circling around all your thoughts that you never have the time to think anything through with any sense of reality or realizing the real truth that what they say is just more of their ‘crazy making!’ Triangulation is basically pitting YOU against a false situation AND people to make you feel that you just do not meet up with the Narcissist’s expectations or what they expect of you as well as making you feel worthless as compared to some of the very people that you care for in your life. It is the process of managing what you do or have done down through the Narcissist’s incredulous and fake stories to make everything and everybody seem so much better than you OR anything you do for them.

In the end we MUST internalize the truth even as hard as it is to do so. The sad reality is that this becomes clear once you are well on your way to recovery, so it is a process. If we would have understood this in the beginning, we would not have suffered through the abuse. BUT real information is necessary to move forward so you become clear and CAN recover and unfortunately most do NOT have past experiences to draw from. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! After the discard you are dealing with so many corrupt messages meant to only abuse AND control you more and more into a submissive role. The role is basically to silence you by making you out to be the ‘crazy one’ or the troublemaker so the Narcissist avoids exposure AND they have been setting up their lateral attack well before the discard. Most of the destruction that the Narcissist inflicts on us is ALWAYS done well in advance before we are aware of their real motives during the discard phase. Narcissists must come out of this victorious – but that means they have smeared us completely so they can avoid exposure – or that they are ABUSERS.

Remember this too – they will keep pulling you into the crazy making to use as more proof that you are only obsessed and crazy by turning it all around on YOU – so disconnect completely. My Narcissist kept it up for a year after I decided I was done. Begging me, pleading with me, to stay, etc., and then turning it around if it was me doing the begging and pleading. This Narcissist would ask why I was saying such horrible things and would deny EVER saying anything negative about me. What a huge joke, this Narcissist said these negative things in so many emails/text messages, and I heard it from people all around me. It was some smear campaign, BUT again it must have been me misinterpreting EVERYTHING – nope it was the truth! Even when there is absolute proof staring them in the face they will still lie and deny BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO! I had the clarity to establish ‘no contact’ and THEN and only then was I able to accept all the distorted truths that I met up with a real monster! Don’t stay connected to this monster because you will only remain a puppet to their disordered and abusive agenda until your losses will become insurmountable and leaving you frozen in the abuse. No/minimal contact to live and love again. Greg

Minions and flying monkeys, the Narcissist’s ‘go to’ people when they need back up because they are about to be exposed! The Narcissist trains their minions to use as tools to fight alongside of them in unison with their Smear Campaign, backstabbing or to malign people!

Minions and flying monkeys, the Narcissist’s ‘go to’ people when they need back up because they are about to be exposed! The Narcissist trains their minions to use as tools to fight alongside of them in unison with their Smear Campaign, backstabbing or to malign people!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

It is just a fact that a Narcissist that has any role in your personal life is incapable of having a normal conversation yet alone a discussion with anyone who challenges or disagrees with their ideas. You really cannot have ANY conversation with a Narcissist without it SOMEHOW damaging their delicate ego! It does not matter if a conversation is presented in a calm manner discussing any and all aspects of an issue as being beneficial to something meaningful or a larger picture. The Narcissist is a psycho bully that disallows individualism or independent thinking and always needs to be in control of their environment. Remember their world is all about them being PERFECT, in charge, AND IN CONTROL! It is also impossible to have an intellectual discussion with them in which ANY differing ideas are discussed in a back-and-forth manner. Their conversations are ALWAYS embellished with manipulative overtones to confuse, confound, disengage, accuse, trick, gain information, pass on information, etc., but it is ALWAYS part of their grand agenda to create and support their false identity. Seriously if we could tape a Narcissist’s mouth shut to prevent them from talking, this world would be a much safer and peaceful place to live in.

The Narcissist’s self-regulating and controlling mechanics always involves pulling or seducing people into their lair and extracting information from them AND in turn using this information for whatever GAIN they desire or to USE against them! Be it the love bombing to harvest their main sources of supply, or people to prop up their hideous façade of saintliness or the minions to protect them. If that entails being, charming, exciting, seducing, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it – just technique! My point is that their manipulation is not only confined to a single person as in a relationship, but instead it is a complex network that includes their primary and secondary supply sources as well as their supportive adoring friends, family members, co-workers, etc., all of which are basically seduced into their roles! The Narcissist NEEDS this network to survive as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them closely. They need a network of people to support their MANY ‘needy needs’ and we are ALL basically some form of supply, so this is a full-time job for them to control the world around them. BUT the key element is that they are always on the defensive and everybody is essentially an enemy or someone to use for support because their world is full of lies and holes as it concerns the reality, they PRESENT to us! They are quite used to getting caught or busted but they are ALWAYS ten steps ahead of us and have their adoring fans that just love them and WILL protect them too.

So, what is the Narcissist’s thought process behind their backstabbing and smear campaign? They exploit the listeners’ emotions and sentiments. They use them to justify their suppressed hate, fears, or desires. They make up a story plausible enough that listeners cannot verify the exact allegations, BUT the accusations they make are powerful and damaging, and they are meant to harm a particular person that has wronged the Narcissist! It is a strong-arm defense to silence a target and to avoid exposure.

Narcissists are very easily wounded, so a smear campaign is an attempt to malign someone’s character, credibility and reputation based on lies, half-truths and malicious rumors. Narcissists distort situations with twisted conclusions, perceiving themselves as victims, seduce listeners with faked intimacy by sharing secrets. And they are highly persuasive. So persuasive in fact that they convince both themselves and others that their ‘woe be me’ stories and ‘smear’ rumoring is true.

In turn people ignore their very own conscience and intuition if the rumor is sufficiently shocking. The smear campaign is such an offensive tactic that the Narcissist uses to malign, discredit, and reduce targets/victims to inferior damaged beings and stripping them of power by destroying their character. This tactic also divides and conquers by pitting people against a supposed ‘foe’ that the Narcissist singles out. Targets are stuck between a rock and a hard place, right where the Narcissist wants them to be, damned if they defend themselves and damned if they do not.

This process is never accomplished by a single person, though. The smear campaign requires a mob of minions or flying monkeys to carry the distorted and destructive messages to finish the job that the Narcissist started. The Narcissist can just sit back and enjoy the show while the minions commit an atrocity that basically destroys the target/victim’s integrity. It is an insane attack that completely dehumanizes a good person for no earthly reason other than the Narcissist carrying out their abusive agenda so they can move on unscathed and unexposed.

The Narcissist may seem fully functioning because they are gainfully employed and may be high up in the chain of command at their place of employment or just a worker bee. BUT they are always in control of every environment they are in. Again, they are extremely manipulating psycho bullies that will immediately start their sneak attacks, by complaining to a superior about other employees, triangulate, search for weaknesses in others to take advantage of, and basically create chaos to divide and conquer. They are very adept at their backstabbing by making everything seem more like a concern instead of a huge, distorted lie to damage another person.

This is not confined to where they work, but it includes any organization that they are a part of, their place of worship, clubs they belong to, charity organizations, events, and even THEIR family unit or basically anyplace where their presence is apparent. They are very adept at ALL their abusive tactics as we all personally know. They can somehow twist personal or private information they know about anybody, and subtly say just enough to make it real to their listener and seem like they are ‘in the know’ about something that damages the target/victim. Basically, they use familiarity from knowing us and turn it against us. That familiarity is what brings credence to their twisted story and lies so nobody is ever the wiser to their sneaky tactics. You will NEVER see the person they are destroying present in any conversation to have an opportunity to speak out about the accusations against them, NO with a Narcissist it is always the cowardly approach to silently talk behind EVERYBODIES back, or back-stabbing! They will also triangulate by making YOU believe that somebody is doing the same to you – again part of the ‘divide and conquer’ technique they utilize.

A Narcissistic boss will gossip behind the scenes and try to rally others against the person who dared to offer a different opinion and the boss will make it seem like a concerned comradery rather than undermining somebody’s integrity. Likewise, a Narcissist in a love relationship will also talk behind their partner’s back to other family members with the same shrewd tactics to belittle, cause trouble and whatever other damage they can. AGAIN, they will use whatever familiarity they have through knowing you as an open door to be ‘in the know’ about personal and private situations you have shared with them in confidence!

So basically, it amounts to either literally charming the pants off somebody, pulling somebody in as supply, backstabbing, triangulation, or something that is always deceptive and devious on the Narcissist’s part to build up their minions and support. There is never a genuine conversation with them, everything must serve them somehow. As they are conversing with you, they are also gathering whatever information they can concerning you, something, or someone that you are talking with them about innocently. Nothing is sacred with them and you can bet that they will use that information and even distort it if it serves them in some way and throw you under the train in doing so – when nobody is looking of course! They are calculating and toxic and again we never realize this until they run off like the cowards they are and the damage they leave behind has devastated your integrity to say the least. Basically, they are always on the defensive with everybody and their smear campaign maligns their target and destroys their integrity – the target is none the wiser until they step back out into the world and find that good integrity of theirs murdered by the Narcissist. No/minimal contact to get out of this chaotic and destructive world with the Narcissist forever. Greg

Silencing/isolating or the mechanics behind THE SILENT TREATMENT – or the Narcissist’s prison they create to lock up your heart and mind in chaos and confusion.

Silencing/isolating or the mechanics behind THE SILENT TREATMENT – or the Narcissist’s prison they create to lock up your heart and mind in chaos and confusion. It is one of the MANY tools they use to manipulate, malign, and control every situation to avoid ANY dissention from their victims? A Narcissist is completely pathological in every single aspect of how they relate to the people and world around them because it is ALL ABOUT MANIPULATION, CONTROL, and POWER!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

So, to start, a simple definition – pathological – when a person behaves in extreme and unacceptable ways, because they have very powerful and distorted feelings which they cannot and will not control.

Let’s define these Narcissists and their pathological ways! Their world is completely delusional, one in which they do not allow individuality because they are absolute rulers (dictators) in that world. The unfortunate fact is that a Narcissist needs people in their lives to SURVIVE but they just don’t ‘like’ or ‘relate’ to people, so it is a hideous, demeaning, debasing, ANGRY, and abusive coexistence that we get TRAPPED into. They do not have ‘relationships’ by any normal means, they live among us like zombies that are after our ‘brains’ or our ability to function normally because they attack our thought processes with extreme measures like gas-lighting, fear, brainwashing, manipulation, and betrayal – ALL extremely abusive measures.

Remember this ALWAYS — Narcissists ONLY relate to other human beings as objects. You know objects, the things to use and abuse for self-serving purposes. Things that have no rights, things that are inanimate, things that have no feelings, things that can be easily replaced – perhaps a good example would be like a tool that performs a certain function – and each of us are just one of MANY of these “tools” that they USE.

A Narcissist lacks all social graces in the most extreme ways because underneath their ‘seductive’ façade, they do not honor any human rights, respect individuality, or obey any written law. They live life in an extremely pathological and abusive manner. They imitate a functioning human being and take everything they want and need through some extreme and manipulative methods. They also get bored easily with their conquests SINCE they lack the mechanisms to form healthy bonds (and decisions), so they STRAY very easily to keep the excitement and adulation flowing in their world. Now it is bad enough they are life’s extortionist, but they also seem to loathe all healthy, happy, and loving people that would dare express their individuality, question them or demand accountability, so they lose their patience with us quickly and psychologically attack our minds in an effort to destroy our life as we know it.

This behavior is damaging, and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what is expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused, and controlled waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO act so you constantly stay SILENT, isolated, and in this state of confusion or basically existing as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun, and loving existence. They take that goodness and normal and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it, and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is purely control to keep you constantly disabled.

Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above) – somewhere you are LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong, and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give, it is never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you do not fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.

Like any other bully you must disengage from the Narcissist because if you don’t, they will only attack you in unimaginable ways to destroy your integrity as well as your life – they have to win the battle they have with life, people and essentially the WHOLE world! You will ‘seemingly’ end up being the crazy one and the abuser because they will make you out to be everything bad/wrong just like a psycho bully would react to remove any blame from themselves and pass it onto you, basically their backstabbing and smear campaign. Not a very pretty package at all. Just always remember, you have not done ANYTHING wrong to deserve this because they do not function like other human beings. They don’t even have a clue what liking, caring or LOVING is so they live without it by pretending they know it, but you CAN’T pretend to care or love especially when you have no morals, and it catches up with the Narcissist very quickly.

Connecting with OR living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts, and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse! No/minimal contact to move forward into a healthy lifestyle and world. Narcissists smother the life out of all people and situations. Take your power back by disallowing any of their emotional and psychological manipulation or chaos in your life again because THAT is all there is to their abusive agenda and NOTHING more! Knowledge and education provide clarity and THAT becomes our superpower to move forward with recovery. Be safe out there my friends! Greg ❤

Probably one of the most confusing and difficult things we all face when being involved with a Narcissist, is the crazy making ‘painful’ cycles of breaking up, followed by the HIGH’s of making up. Unfortunately, it is an inevitable process that comes along with being involved in a Narcissistic Relationship!

Probably one of the most confusing and difficult things we all face when being involved with a Narcissist, is the crazy making ‘painful’ cycles of breaking up, followed by the HIGH’s of making up. Unfortunately, it is an inevitable process that comes along with being involved in a Narcissistic Relationship!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist

Many targets/victims always get caught up with the Narcissist leaving you, only to return back to the relationship? So, the big question of WHY and WHAT would possess a Narcissist to hurt you so deeply, only to come back on bended knee, and beg for forgiveness? ALSO why does a Narcissist spend so much time trying to convince you to give them another chance, only to revert to their cruel and abusive ways after they realize you have forgiven them ONCE again recommitted to them? Furthermore, how can a Narcissist change like the weather AND not show ANY shame or remorse?

The reality is that most victims want to believe this behavior is based upon the Narcissists real and genuine desire of wanting to be with them and wanting the relationship to work! The sad truth is that a Narcissist only returns to the relationship to get a quick fix of supply, drama, chaos, or whatever serves them to keep CONTROL over you and to feed their addiction to constant supply.

It will resemble the ‘love bombing’ we experienced in the beginning of the relationship where the Narcissist puts on a great act and uses their best performance to lure you back in and win you over! BUT almost immediately you will notice a drastic change in the Narcissist’s behavior again, and you will be reliving the cycles of abuse again or the idealization and devaluation stages! This becomes an ongoing process that continues on, even during the breakup stages! It is insanity for sure because it will never change until the Narcissist moves on to new supple!

So Basically, once you validate the Narcissist AGAIN by responding to him/her in any way, shape or form, The Narcissist has got his/her hold on you as well as a fix and the Narcissist will just move on to the next and the next best fix or high. Finding supply is just an ongoing thing with Narcissist because they need it like we need oxygen and there is no limit to who or what they use for supply. BUT remember this if you remember anything, you are not anything to them no matter how much you love them or believe they love you! You are only one optional source of supply that they invested in for a certain period of time.

This is the VERY reason that targets/victims MUST remember that while we may feel some source of relief or renewed security by the Narcissist’s change of heart, the minute you take them back, and the minute the Narcissist realizes that they have you again, they will immediately revert to their old cruel behavior and abusive agenda. You must accept that it IS psychological abuse with all their mental mind games, and the ONLY reason a Narcissist continues to come back is to ensure that they still have you right where they want you and to fill in the blanks as it concerns having a constant source of supply!

ALSO, when a Narcissist is experiencing withdrawal from not having enough Narcissistic Supply they will immediately go into the pursuit mode coming back with the goal of winning you over once again – but they are only recycling us until they secure new supply again. A Narcissist does not and cannot be alone, they constantly need supply or someone to validate them. NO contact and always keep it that way! Greg

%d bloggers like this: