Author Archives: ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissists are very evasive creatures that camouflage their true identity and darkness so they can walk among us freely and find that supply to harvest.
You just don’t ‘spot’ a Narcissist because they don’t have a sign over their head that identifies them as one. Plus, they are very evasive creatures that camouflage their true identity and darkness so they can walk among us freely and find that supply to harvest. Even now the facts of how many Narcissists are out there abusing is probably way off. Do you think this predator is going to identify themselves in a census count? NO WAY because their false identity is part of their trade secret!
From my book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
I always hear this commercial on TV as it concerns identity theft and your credit cards. The announcer says “protect yourself from identity theft with “blah, blah, blah” – a service that monitors any and all transactions on your credit/debit cards. Identity theft is relatively new, but WOW society is well aware of it and the damage it can do to their financial world. Well, a Narcissist will mess with your identity (and your finances) among many other things, BUT there is no monitoring company out there that protects you and calls your cell phone when a Narcissist is extorting every aspect of your life. When you are out today ask the first person you see to define identity theft and then ask them to define a malignant Narcissist. You can bet they know what identity theft is and they will be lacking a cohesive definition about Narcissism. One last question – who do identity thieves go after? ANYBODY AND EVERYBODY because they are predators after something we have that we can ‘SUPPY’ them with – Narcissists could be aptly name Identity thieves too! AMEN!
There are some clues or red flags that we definitely overlooked, but that is just not our human nature to turn away from something so amazing that ‘looks and feels’ like real love. We are going to pursue this and of course we are looking out for ourselves – but the ‘love bombing’ of a Narcissist is created with US BEING THE MAIN COEFFICIENT and personally designed with US in mind. What part of the ‘love bombing’ could have been identified as ‘questionable’ when someone is loving you so completely?
They are just seamless with their lies, commitment stories, manipulation, etc. It isn’t until AFTER you are taken in that the real monster rears its ugly face AND after all of your emotions are in place and loving them. In the beginning stage it is all lies, manipulation and seductive charm. None of which are the type you can easily prove or even want to prove. Do you smack a Narcissist on the nose for saying they love you, or reject their hugs and caring with another smack? Do you run to the police when they say they love you and ask a detective to follow them? No, but in time you will be feeling like you want to, but that is down the road and after the big con job. This is a manipulative and lying predator with an agenda in mind and it is a ‘one on one’ manipulation with only YOU and the NARCISSIST in this dance! We don’t know how disordered they are while they lure us into their trap NOR do we know they are a Narcissist! Hindsight being 20/20 we get this message loud and clear AFTER we have been abused. The general populace doesn’t get this, nor would they believe that this creature could turn a beautiful romance into a horrendous game of destruction.
OK, so here is what we clinically understand about Narcissists: They lie, they are purely vindictive, they look down on everybody, they refuse to accept any responsibility, they are two-faced backstabbers, they live by no rules or laws, they prefer laughing at people rather than with them, they are pathological bullies, they are very childlike, they believe that no matter what happens they will prevail because they see themselves as invincible, they believe that whatever bad things they do they deserve forgiveness, they NEVER do anything wrong in their eyes, they are fearless to the point of being insanely unrealistic with their delusional attacks, their lies, and smear campaign, they are obsessed with their fantasies about power, success and wealth, they are incapable of compromise and need to win, they thrive on evoking reactions and emotions – both negative or positive because it gives them a Narcissistic high, chaos rules their life, they are out-of-control with their needs to secure supply from all people, they cheat on all of their partners, they break down their target/victim’s will through constant dehumanization and brainwashing to make them feel like they are the negative entity in the relationship and worthless. They are NOT capable of “real” love as normal people know it. They manipulate people to go against their own values willingly, they USE them as puppets, pawns, and commodities. They burn them out and then move on to their next victim, they do not value people, do not miss them or love them because that involves bonding emotionally at various levels and the ability to bond at ANY level is completely MISSING. Greg
A little more clarity about that extreme CHARM or love bombing that got us tangled up in a Narcissist’s web of abuse.
A little more clarity about that extreme CHARM or love bombing that got us tangled up in a Narcissist’s web of abuse. The Narcissist was studying and assessing you and then mirrored you and everything positive about you. The truth is that he/she was reflecting back onto and into you exactly what you wanted to hear – EVERTYTHING! The Narcissist was grabbing all of your attention and focusing it back onto you. If he/she didn’t gain this type of control over you then you might not be his/her most viable source of supply. Again this is purely a manipulation to gain your complete dependence on him/her and to control you. This love bombing or CHARM is used in every connection they make and doesn’t have to be just about love. They do it with all people that they deem as possible supply!
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
Think about it in simpler and non-clinical terms. Love bombing isolates you, it doesn’t give you much time to think about anything but them or what is happening, it hides the truth and within a very short period of time, it takes ALL of your time and attention away from others and again isolates you. It moves the relationship forward without giving you enough real time to assess the whole situation. It is just too good to be true so you go with it because we all grew up believing in relationships and people!
It is really mind control with an agenda. Wow he/she really likes me and is this the ‘real’ love of my life? We have SO much in common so how could this be anything but the real thing! You feel like you know him/her so completely perhaps in another life? This person really LOVES ME! It blinds you in a manner that reality is thrown out the window.
It is important that a Narcissist move the relationship forward very quickly and lock you right in, otherwise you might see the many red flags or all the negativity and destruction from their past lives. You might not notice that he/she is basically shunned from their biological family, has many enemies, doesn’t actually have a job, etc. You don’t see the real monster under that thin veneer of goodness they wear because they are deflecting the real truth to make you their next target/victim.
I so remember this love bombing and being swept off of my feet in such a short period of time – it was like a fairytale romance (we all grew up with that). This Narcissist was so attentive, fun, caring, loving, AND occupied so much of my time as well as my thoughts. BUT what was happening behind my back from that very first day we met was the reality that this Narcissist was a pathological liar and the great manipulator. This Narcissist was living another life that I was totally unaware of.
It is purely crazy that I was this blind, but this Narcissist knew how to play the game. YES, there was the same pattern with the Narcissist’s ex-spouse, but unfortunately, I didn’t have access to this information in the very beginning. I had clues from the Narcissist’s mother, but I also had the Narcissist’s side of the story, and I thought the mother was just overthinking this and her reactions were a loving mother’s concern over a divorce because of the kids. This Narcissist was also fired from their job for reasons I won’t mention, but you can probably well imagine, but I was told a story that was purely lies to cover up the hideous truth. My Point – a Narcissist is always going to thwart off any bad publicity about them with a ‘woe be me’ story and lots of lies! Narcissists do NOT come with a ‘past life resume’ of truth that we can look at first They also bury their past quite well.
Their motive is always to manipulate and control. So, they are very effective with this love bombing in a very short period of time. It gives you the impression that you are falling in love OR are in love and you have met your soul mate. Nope it is ownership, and this Narcissist has isolated you from people to hide the very truth of how disordered they are as well as their agenda to extort what they can from you by making you their primary supply. You want to pursue this grand relationship and who wouldn’t want to? This is someone you feel is so special and it feels like the real thing!
Having all of this attention, felt good. In your mind, you reason that this is that ‘special one’ or the right person. This really is/was special to you (us) because this feeling is what you understood or felt that love is/was – you believed in them. We rarely want to let go of that ‘feel good’ feeling. A Narcissist can and will walk in and fulfill this part very well because they are professionals at their scamming, and this is a major component of finding and securing their next source of supply. Remember that love bombing can occur in any type of relationship with them and why I call it ‘charm.’ Greg
The Never Ending and Confusing Maze with a Narcissist! Let’s find the way through this confusion with practical education, knowledge, and CLARITY!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
A Narcissist clearly crosses the boundaries of defying another person’s human rights and dignity, so much so it is clearly classified as psychological abuse. They tear down a person’s psychological well-being in such an insidious manner that the target becomes completely vulnerable, unprotected, and attacked like a predator chasing and tiring out its prey to immobilize it.
Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there.
Attacking your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your “buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.”.
The Narcissist can and will even go so far as always threatening “your security” with them which could include ending the relationship if you do not conform, dating other people, affairs, silencing or use other controlling terrorist/fear tactics.
They are very unpredictable with their day-to-day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable/normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos and gas-lighting!).
This behavior is damaging, and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what is expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused, and controlled waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO act so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is control to keep you constantly disabled.
They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain CONTROL over you. Be it making fun of us, belittling us, criticizing us, name calling, screaming at us, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making us the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you. They must have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.
Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above) – somewhere you are LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong, and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give, it is never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you do not fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.
Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled, and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts, and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!
A Narcissist does not acknowledge individuality or even like other people (remember we are just objects to use.) Along with this premise the Narcissist does not care about being liked – THEY DEMAND to be admired, feared, and favored, (as well as completely extorting their targets to get supply.) They do not care about getting along with people, and a Narcissist is no more capable of considering the consequences of their actions than a rock would. There is no consideration for anybody or anything with a Narcissist and nothing is ever about whatever it REALLY is, instead it is always all about their omnipotence, superiority, or ego instead or their fake façade. They MUST exploit EVERY single interaction with us to gratify THEIR needy ego at your ego’s expense or even DESTRUCTION. There is no end to it. It is exasperating and you never get through that brick wall a Narcissist throws up in front of you constantly, so always remember how much time you have tried to break down barriers to “fix” things. Everything would just bounce back to you as more blame and shame from the Narcissist. It was a relationship that was meant to deny you every bit of gratification or any “giving” from the Narcissist and instead “taking” every bit of gratification (supply) they could for their vast needy void.
This is the reality with a Malignant Narcissist be it a wife, husband, partner, brother, sister, friend, mother, father or whomever. There is and never was ANY type of a real relationship, just time lost with a disordered, destructive, and abusive person and great loss. There is no closure to this abuse because there is no real person, so we only have the sad truth to embrace to start us out on a realistic path of recovery AND yes heal and join life again. Any interaction with a Narcissist is ALWAYS damaging and destructive to people – that is why we are all here sharing to educate and help resolve these issues with all targets. Say NO to that Narcissist with NO or minimal contact and start on YOUR journey Forward! Greg
Narcissists intentionally trick us into reacting! The Reactionary Abuse Trap – or the magical ‘Bait and Switch.’ More tricks of the Narcissists trade or baiting their victim into reacting to THEIR abuse so they can then turn it around to BLAME the victim and accuse THEM of abuse. Reactive Abuse from a Narcissist: A Narcissist always uses their toxic and abusive words to purposely create a negative reaction that they can turn around on their target/victim and use it against them! THEY are the abusers without a doubt, but they bait us into nonsensical arguments – ones where they accuse us, maybe make fun of us, belittle us, malign us, etc. – so that WE react and then they call us the abuser!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in between with a Narcissist
Again, a Narcissist will always set this TRAP for their victim – basically pushing or better yet FORCING us into a corner so that we react and even verbally reply/lash back out to protect ourselves from something so toxic and negative that they have said to us – and what they say is always horrendous and shocking. It is that very reaction from us that they are looking for and baiting us into because they want to use it against us and makes US out to be the toxic person. They will then react to our reaction with pure intent, maybe with a sigh of pure disgust, act fearful of us, state how WE have hurt them, how we overreact, shame us and even blame us for starting an argument, or whatever they can muster up to pin this on you and I!
So, what goes on in the omnipotent Narcissist’s distorted version of life? DIMINISHING THEIR VICTIM and they want them to feel isolated and insecure. There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment as it concerns any other human being on this planet because people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use and abuse, play with, and discard at will – and ‘in between’ they will completely manage their victim down in any way they can. It is a very controlled mechanism in their arsenal of abuse. Normal people respect all life, but a Narcissist does not deem life as worthy of THEIR respect – it is there for them to use and manipulate. So, by treating others as unworthy the Narcissist is acting as if they are beneath reprieve for their actions, and we are totally insignificant, very disposable, and infinitely less important than the all-important Narcissist or we DESERVE this treatment!
A Narcissist has no more regard for us than a person that steps on and squashes a poor bug that is minding its own bug-business on the ground. Basically, and unequivocally, we are nothing and the Narcissist is everything in their world and at all costs, even if it means total destruction of an individual OR squashing us like that poor bug! They will even step up their game by making a person feel physically unattractive by making fun of them and backing it up with FALSE testimony from friends, family, co-workers, etc., again – NONE of which is true.
Let us take it a step further – and to another level of how they malign us through their ‘CON BOND’ with us. IF you believe in their sincerity or participate in any of their ‘poison laced conversations’ you are allowing a Narcissist to access your mind and uncover your deepest and darkest secrets and insecurities AND they will exploit them completely at a future time, but always under the guise of concern and caring to exploit those very secrets. They will even fuel a conversation to manipulate you into ‘providing’ personal information about yourself, a situation, or a familiar person to extort the knowledge and use it against you. Narcissists are backstabbers pure and simple!
What is carefully hidden under their ‘fake’ empathy is an agenda to manipulate and exploit those weaknesses and use them against you in any number of different ways. They will call upon this personal information AT ANY TIME to dehumanize you and invalidate you USING those thoughts that you genuinely trusted them with. They will take those ‘innermost thoughts and secrets’ and make themselves ‘in the know’ about your private and personal life issues with ‘others.” They will run with this information and negatively triangulate with friends, family, your boss, and co-workers with that ‘very personal’ information they have gained through sharing your private concerns with them. It is natural to vent with the person you love or trust, but NEVER with a Narcissist because they will use it against you. Give them a little bit of information and they will find out everything and anything connected to it that they can use against you – and they are very shrewd and sneaky about it – you will not know what hit you. They are ALWAYS looking for that ‘in’ to manage a person down! Most importantly is understanding that this is not ANY type of love, caring, friendship, or relationship – it is subjugation and abuse. No/minimal contact ALWAYS. Greg
It is SO important for all of us to understand and embrace this because it is absolutely true for survivors of this abuse. It is NOT something that you just get over – that is why it is called a ‘recovery process’ and time is a major part of the process to get there. Never let anyone diminish your recovery by telling you to “just get over it” or “YOU need to move on!”
The TRAUMA from this abuse! It is SO important for all of us to understand and embrace this because it is absolutely true for survivors of this abuse. It is NOT something that you just get over – that is why it is called a ‘recovery process’ and time is a major part of the process to get there. Never let anyone diminish your recovery by telling you to “just get over it” or “YOU need to move on!”
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
We don’t JUST move on! We talk and voice our concerns because we first need to be heard, we educate ourselves about this abuse so we KNOW what we are dealing with, we reach out for sound support, we strive DAILY to move forward, we feel pain and betrayal that we need to reconcile, we do deep introspection to purge the poison of this abuse out of our heart, mind and soul, we create STRONG boundaries to never allow this abuse into our lives again, we have to learn how to trust again so we can go back to a healthy emotional life, we disconnect from this Narcissist (heart, mind and soul) and with NO/minimal contact, AND we work on this EVERY day of our lives until we get healthy again – this is a process that requires time – not just simple words to JUST MOVE ON. Those words just add another level of abuse by invalidating, silencing, and isolating us. There is NO magical cure that will fix us immediately! TOGETHER we heal!
So, a little bit more of the reprograming aspect to start out on this journey to recovery:
Really the most important aspect is convincing ourselves that this was a Narcissist. Until we get there we will only remain in a confused state, blaming ourselves and reaching back to find out what WE did wrong. This only adds our own layers to this abuse. YIKES!! What I can say through my experience is that everything does fall into place, but the process takes education, time, real support from other targets/victims and a great deal of energy to purge all of the negativity out of us before we move forward. Don’t forget we can and will fall backwards and that again is just part of the process, and we learn from our mistakes. There is also the overwhelming exhaustion from carrying so much anxiety and the trauma, and that surfaces as physical ailments. So, so much to deal with and then there is more than likely a ‘smear campaign’ that is waiting for us and SUDDENLY we are the bad guy.
Who could EVER believe the truth that presented itself to us and lives in us about this abuse and how someone just used us for the time they did and how they were inclined to destroy us as well? It is still hard for me to accept, but I know better because I lived through it and the truth is right there to back it up. What I cannot believe is that there are human beings capable of this and as a normal person with empathy it is not within my realm to understand them! That says a great deal within my words. If after experiencing and recovering from this abuse it is still hard for a person of empathy to get it completely. But what I learned is that I do not have to ‘get it’ so completely, I just have to understand it and accept the truth to forget about that Narcissist because they are what they are and that HAS to be enough. Knowing and believing this enables you to move forward and work on everything else that involves getting healthy. Do not waste your time on getting into their heads, or trying to understand them, or trying to fix THEM because you are only denying the truth YOU ALREADY KNOW! It is now time for you to get past this psychological abuse so you can enter back into a great world feeling healthy! It is a necessity to focus on yourself!
When you came out of this you felt like you were in a fog, or better yet that your reality was altered and basically it was through the slow process of brainwashing and the manipulation from your perpetrator. You are traumatized, confounded, and confused and wondering what hit you squarely in the brain. We are functioning, but not as we once did. If we were the person, we were before this abuse we would have had a much clearer perspective AFTER discard, but unfortunately we are not that person anymore. We have gained the knowledge, but we are vulnerable and damaged, so we really struggle.
We were not in denial in the beginning we were tricked, conned, manipulated, etc. But here is the point we also never realized this in its entirety while we were with them and WHY? Well because the agenda of the Narcissist was not apparent, and the manipulation was subtle and consistent. We were always drawn back into the abuse through Narcissistic magic or trickery. Day by day we were managed down more and more through the Narcissist’s vast arsenal of tools to the point that we were not in our original state of conscious thinking – our reality was altered by our perpetrator so they could harvest us as supply!
One last point! So many times, our family seems like they do not care. This may be true for some, but for the most part remember that our stories are incredulous and personal to us. They do not know how deep the abuse is and deeply rooted in our subconscious OR even understand what it is. It is not as personal to them as it is to us. We would have to drag them through every day of the abuse while we were living it for them to get it – and to explain it would take just as long. They would also have to experience every day that we grieve (after the discard) to see how isolated and disconnected we have become because of the abuse. It doesn’t say that it is OK for people to shun us because it all sounds so unreal, BUT they do know, and they would be there for you when you really needed them. Nobody can understand how the target/victim needs to keep repeating things over and over again because it is within this process that targets/victims purge the abuse outward. Our voice is the tool for others to hear to gain support as well as to vocalize and actualize the truth. There is no closure with these creatures, so how do we become validated? We search for that validation through our voices until we find something that we can turn to that HELPS. Without validation we will just run in a circle chasing our tails. We do eventually find validation within our personal truths.
We are very inquisitive creatures, and we know none of what happened to us can be ALL our fault! We were not problematic in our other relationships, or mentally ill, insane AND everything else we were led to believe – SO WHAT IS UP? That is what gets us out there searching on the internet, or seeking support through the behavioral sciences, etc. But once we start traveling through all the questions and confusion, we find some answers and usually when we hear the real stories of survivors or other victims. We start to see the similarities and find the validation we deserve.
You are an amazing person that has the ability to change and move onto a healthy recovery. It is a process that requires time. It is time to accept the reality that this was situational abuse and to take YOUR power back by discarding EVERYTHING about this Narcissist out of your world and life and that starts with no/minimal contact. The next step is gaining all the knowledge and support you can by using your voice to speak out and ask questions. Other victims and survivors will help move you through your recovery. Together we heal. Greg
Try as you may or have – nothing could have ever been right in this relationship with a Narcissist because there never was a relationship there to begin with.
Try as you may or have – nothing could have ever been right in this relationship with a Narcissist because there never was a relationship there to begin with.
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
Narcissists are a vast and empty void. They cannot sit down and experience a normal or real moment, a memory, or a connection to real happiness within themselves or reflect about their life because there is nothing there to reflect upon, only envy of a real life and people AND what they can’t achieve. Their inner world is angry, dark and lacks complete empathy. They don’t have any internal mechanisms to bond, love, or care about anybody so instead they focus on AND feed their eternal neediness and pathological nature through extreme manipulation to fill that void with external stimuli OR those fleeting moments of Narcissistic elation. They seriously are like a three-year-old that has many toys all around them, playing with one or the other without a care, always wanting a different or a new one, and throwing a tantrum if they can’t have what they want, but even when they get what they THINK they want they are never completely happy with just one toy!
One of the most obvious signs of a malignant Narcissist is the way they constantly malign others. They are also constantly embellishing, remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, one-upping, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider in every relationship that love should never hurt a person nor take them down a road of destruction like it does with a Narcissist or abuse. Ultimately love can make us sad when we lose a loved one but that is the reality of unconditional love when someone near to us is suffering, or we lose them completely, that is more or less grieving a REAL connection between two normally functioning people. Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist is emotional and psychological abuse MEANT to intentionally harm and damage a target/victim that the Narcissist has chosen as their prey, and it by no means is anything near a conventional and loving relationship. Real love grows and doesn’t diminish another person’s spirit. Always remember that the love that you felt for this person was as much a part of the psychological abuse (love bombing) as was the devaluation stage. These were the tools of the Narcissists trade like the brainwashing, extreme manipulation, gas-lighting, pathological lying, hideous betrayal, many sexual partners, etc., or the cycle of abuse with a Malignant Narcissist. This TRUTH is what will set you free and able to start on your road to recovery!
Narcissists manipulate in a manner to control their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything – this is chaos and crazy making meant to confound and divert their target’s normal thoughts. This can be very evident at times because it is a downright shocking and we have all been there shaking our heads in total disbelief at what they have said, done to us, or acted on. It can also be the very subtle day to day things or the many small manipulative and dehumanizing actions that disassemble the target/victim’s well-being slowly and methodically. BUT it is so perplexing that people disbelieve their very ears and more than often we dismiss it and justify it by thinking it is anger, a bad day, insecurity, jealousy, or they have some wrong information about us – BUT it is constant and consistent behavior meant to debase us. Unfortunately, we spend our time trying to fix the situation, make it better, and avoiding the truth that this is just one of their tools in their vast arsenal of control and ultimately ABUSE. Little by little this behavior erodes the target/victim’s self-worth and creates an almost obsessive situation where the target/victim is constantly trying to avoid the conflict, keeping things peaceful, and walking on eggshells. There is never the opportunity for a “healthy self” in this relationship and you become a casualty of the constant psychological terrorism or abuse – essentially you become a shell of a person.
You can’t have reality in a situation where there is none, especially a situation that is constantly embellished with toxic and chaotic behavior that constantly pushes your buttons, plays with your emotions and takes you down to your lowest level. The Narcissist will ultimately step up their game of their abuse with betrayal, perhaps sexual indiscretions, pathological lies, gas-lighting, etc., but again this starts out as a slow and very ambiguous abuse. Unfortunately, it disables the target/victims capacity to function normally within the relationship and then it is too late because the target/victim is somewhere between that emotional connection (love) and the vast confusion caused by the debasing and dehumanizing psychological warfare and blaming themselves, trying to fix the situation, looking for relief, feeling fearful, hurt, depressed, anxious, etc., etc.
Targets/victims are unaware that they have been living in what can only be compared to as an active battle zone. Most are unaware what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is or that it is a highly effective and debilitating abuse from a predator. Victims of Narcissistic abuse will over time display strong symptoms of trauma, avoidance behavior, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or eating difficulties, irritability, hyper-vigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness, physical illness, self-harming, and even thoughts of suicide. Targets/victims express deep seeded feelings of worthlessness, humiliation, shame, fear, and self-blame. They have been conditioned to take responsibility for the Narcissist’s despicable behavior because they are constantly told they are the source of every problem and everything is their fault, but they want to support, defend, and love the Narcissist despite what they have gone through. It almost becomes an addiction because abuse creates a toxic and unhealthy environment which in turn creates an unhealthy mind for the target/victim. The psychological abuse creates this unhealthy pattern of pleasing the Narcissist or ‘walking on eggshells. Basically, the target/victim becomes totally dependent on the Narcissist or what may seem like being addicted to them. The reason behind this is that the silent threat of abuse is always present with the debasing and dehumanizing and it is just too painful for the target/victim AND an automatic coping mechanism against overwhelming stress. The Narcissist has conditioned the victim to always feel disconnected.
In turn we avoid the pain because it is so deeply engrained in us and that it is all a target/victim knows from the daily emotional abuse, so like the addict we look for relief from ANY fix or the hope that things could turn back to the way they were or back to that cohesive relationship – unfortunately it never will. That love we believed in was just a huge con job that we believed was real, and the Narcissist focused on making us believe as if they were a real participant in the relationship – just want con artists do. Unfortunately, the Narcissist used a strong emotion (love) to gain our trust and gain entry into our heart, mind, and life.
This abuse is NOT limited to ‘love’ relationships only. Narcissists can be family members like a mother/father, brother/sister, boss/co-worker, friend/relative or anyone for that matter. Targets/victims are often victimized by more than one person as well because they have only learned or known this dehumanizing abuse for a very long period or all their lives especially if they are a child of a Narcissistic parent. They internalize an abusive message that there is something is wrong with them and that they deserve this kind of abuse, and then resign themselves to their fate and sometimes all throughout their lives. Targets/victims may not reach their potential in their personal or professional lives because they always must stand in that dark and ominous shadow of their abuser(s) – and that is all they have ever known in the case of Narcissistic parents. They learn to live in the shadows without knowing why – and that why was born out of the debasing control from abuse at the hands of a Narcissist.
Victims of Narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake, misheard something, or done something wrong. Their confidence becomes so low that they have trouble making simple decisions, questioning and re-questioning things to make sure they get it right. This is a result from the emotional and psychological abuse used by Narcissists to erode their self-esteem, instill confusion and anxiety in their victim to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception, or judgment – basically they have no self-worth. Gradually, the target/victim will NOT trust their own perceptions and doubt themselves completely. This more than often also induces depression and anxiety – two separate issues that will have to be dealt with as well as the ‘other’ consequences of this hideous abuse.
The target/victim is totally broken and unable to trust their own perceptions in life (the ones we take for granted as just knowing what to do in life, etc.,) so they isolate themselves because life is just too confusing, and they fear it. The victim now doubts most everything about themselves, their thoughts and opinions, their actions, their ideas, and ideals. Ask yourself here and now if you are experiencing this, maybe it is a feeling of hopelessness, fear, confusion, or just an abnormal sense of life, one where you feel very alone and without a real objective to change or fix this situation by moving on – or feeling stuck in life. Targets/victims will become co-dependent on the abuser for their reality and the Narcissist loves this because that is their goal – TOTAL CONTROL of your thoughts and actions and they are at the steering wheel driving this abuse full forward. Who does this but a highly disordered human being with a dark agenda? Who could take, steal away, or destroy any portion of another person’s life for any reason yet alone the agenda of a highly disordered Narcissist that is basically driven by their own envy, hate AND an extortionist as well that wants everything they can take from another human being and life?
No relationship ever ends in such a shroud of hate and destruction as one that ends with a Narcissist. They annihilate every aspect of the relationship, the person, their life, their family, their friends AND basically everything in a manner to completely disable you/us. Every action and word that comes from a Narcissist is a bizarre and sadistic attack on your personal reality. It takes you from the goodness and normality that you have had all your life to a dark place where you now have feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness because EVERYTHING you do is wrong, and you are basically worthless. Even after separation from a Narcissist, the abuse lives on because like a poison it has entered every cell in your body and in the case of a Narcissistic abuse the poison destroys the mind and reality of their target/victim! This is the truth we must know and accept so we can dispel all the blame and shame from being in this relationship and from there we can move forward to recovery. YES, we must get this and move on without reliving it over and over again. Remember this was NOT your fault, nor are you worthless, a bad person, mentally ill, obsessed, scorned or any of that garbage – YOU are a good an amazing person that was emotionally and psychologically abused and it is time to move on and back to a healthy and real life! No/minimal contact! Greg
The disabling, constant push and pull relationship with a Narcissist! He/she loves me — he/she loves me NOT!
The disabling, constant push and pull relationship with a Narcissist! He/she loves me — he/she loves me NOT! He/she LOVES YOU NOT and they never even considered love or any type of relationship with YOU or anybody else! Cognitive dissonance – or why we continue to believe in them even after all the disparaging and abusive things they do to us. We must understand that they continue their reign of terror to push us down as low as they can! We believed in some form of connection or love as all NORMAL people do, but this was a desperate, distorted, and manipulated love that was destroying us bit by bit but did not see it happening until it was too late! We only realized AFTER the fact, but we still must grieve that love and the abuse without the experience to deal with the duality or polar opposites of cognitive dissonance.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
More than often target/victims project the blame back onto themselves as they were conditioned to do all throughout the relationship and accept things that they normally would not. After all it was ALL OF OUR FAULT as we were made to believe! We got there because we accepted all of the Narcissist’s projection of blame and begin questioning ourselves. What did we do wrong, to drive them away? What was it about me that was so wrong or lacking that made the Narcissist become so negative or unhappy in the relationship? Was I not good enough, smart enough, virtuous enough like the Narcissist claimed, hardworking enough, beautiful, or handsome enough, sexy, worthy, submissive enough, didn’t I give enough, do I REALLY have issues like this Narcissist said? Did I, could I, should I, if I? It is always the same coefficient from them constantly managing you down and it always becomes OUR issues and never actually holding this monster accountable for what was psychological abuse. We never get it that we were just ANOTHER object for this Narcissist to use and discard. We only believed the lies and fell into this abuse, so we live with the distorted thoughts until we purge them out of us OR until we actualize the truth and get help to move away from all of the negative messages that modified our behaviors in such a destructive manner. THERE IS NEVER any closure with this Narcissist because it was all an agenda that ends with destruction, and they are not going to take responsibility for their abuse and be exposed for who and what they are.
When a target/victim experiences cognitive dissonance, our rational ability to actualize reality or accept the knowledge about the psychopathy as far as it concerns the Narcissists does not fully sink in on the powerful EMOTIONAL LEVEL because they conned us into that emotional bond first. Plus, we never had ‘real time’ experience or knowledge about this personality disorder to help us understand what was happening to us! Consequently, we continually move back and forth between that old, idealized fantasy that was pounded into our mind and heart and the pathetic reality of the NEW truth about this disordered individual that terrorized our world and try to rationalize it but the brain/heart can’t handle the polar opposite thoughts side by side. This is such a confusing process and as well as an emotionally draining one too. Just remember that initially, when you were in the idealization phase, the fantasy was that this Narcissist could love you and that he/she seriously committed to loving you. Then, once you were devalued and/or discarded, the fantasy remains that he/she is capable of LOVE and loving others, BUT just not you. You feel that you were not right for him/her, but NOW someone else can be SO RIGHT for them and it reinforces the distorted messages. Narcissists do not know love or feel love with ANYBODY. There will be MANY more and newer ‘others’ in this Narcissist’s future but ALL of them are just new objects to use and throw away!
Cognitive dissonance is part of the disabling process of being a target/victim of a personality disordered Narcissist and does not occur in healthy relationships. When there are two healthy individuals in a relationship there are good and bad parts as it concerns two separate personalities merging. But by far one or the other person does not have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality or a mask of sanity that hides a malicious, abusive, and destructive person. In a healthy relationship, there is a certain level of transparency, so basically, what you see is what you get, and it is consistent, flaws and all. ALSO, healthy relationships are not based on emotional/psychological abuse, control, domination and an insurmountable mountain of deliberate lies and manipulation. Furthermore, healthy relationships do not end abruptly, as if they never even happened because normal people can’t detach so quickly from deeper relationships and JUMP right into another one UNLESS it was completely built on deception and basically one partner is a Narcissist! LASTLY – love is REAL to us and normal in our world and we have all been there – loved and even lost – the difference is that we were not dealing with a personality disordered person that USED that very emotional against us by basically using it to modify our behavior or to CONTROL US as a means to an end. We only knew the real love in our world and had no clue that there were people like this. Cognitive dissonance happens in those cases where there is a horrendous contradiction between a reality and an increasingly implausible fantasy which when fully revealed, would be too painful to accept, so much so that you would rather cling to parts of the fantasy than confront that sad reality and move on.
So what is related to this cognitive dissonance is that the Narcissist still has a form of power over you and the Narcissist’s distorted standards still have a place in your brain AND heart. Call it ambient abuse! Even though you may reject the Narcissist on some level, on another the Narcissist’s opinions still somehow matter to you (those old messages still playing in your head!) Narcissists are frauds, their actions, words, and opinions are distorted and delusional! The Narcissist’s connections to others, especially the ones the Narcissist CLAIMS to be “the love of their life,” are only empty, controlling, and abusive bonds too. But if you stay emotionally attached or you still care about what the Narcissists thinks or feels, then you are giving a highly disordered person too much power over you.
Completely cut those imaginary ties and cut the cord that still connects you to a pathological Narcissist, as well as his/her disordered supporters and their abnormal and distorted frame of reference AND games. Nothing good will ever come out of allowing a Narcissist and his/her pathological defenders or minions having a place in your life, heart, or mind. The connection between the Narcissist’s and their followers/supply is a disordered perspective that messes with your healthy life AND creates the intense inner tension or cognitive dissonance. To eliminate this means to free yourself body, soul, heart and mind from this Narcissist, their followers and their opinions, standards, AND games. What they do, say, think or believe and the silly mind games they choose to play simply does not matter OR belong in your world. What they post on social sites is just another mask they use that hides the truth and them begging for attention! Totally disengage from anything and everything that concerns the Narcissist. I did a long time ago and I am very clear about my situation and the real truth. I do not connect to THIS NARCISSIST at any level, I pull myself away from ANY and EVERY situation or connection that might exist. Everything this Narcissists does, or projects is just more and more layers of ridiculous lies. I absorbed all of that information a long time ago and saturated my mind with the truth that this person is dead inside and really a monster! These are words I never believed I would use in my lifetime to describe anybody BUT that is only the truth as it concerns this person so I can say them now! I can also say I am repulsed by this person and their lifestyle. It is all so clear now and that is what moved me forward to live and love again!
What does any connection with a Narcissist yield? Just blame, shame, sadness, frustration, a sense of defeat, doubt, constant and conflicting thoughts, many lies, mistrust, feelings of worthlessness, distorted emotions, betrayal, destruction, and ABUSE to you personally. PLEASE internalize that despite how intense the emotional upheaval might be, it is so worth getting your freedom back to live life as you should – otherwise what other option really exists? Remember this if you remember anything you are not weak, stupid, you are vulnerable and struggling to find answers, so it is particularly distressing when your normal reality has been intentionally corrupted by what you believed was just a caring and loving human being that turned into this MONSTER! Please remember that your emotions bond you to this creature and that is what you must actualize by accepting the truth about them as far as the fake love they offered that you believed in – it was not real it was a trap. A relationship and love do not involve bargaining parts of your life away to meet anybody’s needs! REMEMBER – he/she LOVES YOU NOT! No/minimal contact PLEASE! Greg
We can NEVER engage with their chaos and conflict because they are aimed directly at diminishing us and managing us down to SUPPORT their agenda!
Completely empower yourself with these words: We can NEVER engage with their chaos and conflict because they are aimed directly at diminishing us and managing us down to SUPPORT their agenda! Narcissists are masters of spin and diversionary tactics to drive their “conflicted reality” home through brute verbal force, emotional dismissiveness, psychological games, and delusional reasoning. If you are involved with a Narcissist, you know these communication strategies firsthand.
When you present facts that contradict their beliefs, they bamboozle you by using off-topic tangents, changing the subject, or creating a new accusation AGAINST YOU or creating CONFLICT! It is NEVER about FACTS – but instead distorting FACTS to support their agenda. While you are still defending your original point and its validity, the Narcissist completely dismisses you (because you are making sense/telling the truth) and distracts you by jumping to another topic that is completely out in left field. and then they somehow condemn YOU with some off tangent nonsense. They are always judge, jury, and executioner.
Narcissists have absolutely no capacity for context or truth. Either you see things their way or you must be crushed into the ground – and believe me they think nothing of how they will crush a person into the ground. You cannot respectfully agree to disagree with them. Any criticism or difference of opinion is a challenge to their “authority, power, and control” and is seen as a threat and will be treated as such and you will be devalued, demeaned, debased, dehumanized, and destroyed – it is just that serious to them. BUT serious to them is not in any normal context – it is complete denial and avoidance all bundled up in all these tactics to be in control and exert power over us. Remember we are only an object to serve them so we must revere them as well OR ELSE!
The Narcissist employs loud and deliberate RAGING as another tactic when all else fails. The more wrong an emotionally and abusive Narcissist is the louder and/or more resolute they get with their attack. Their level of fake outrage, vindictiveness or emotional withdrawal is in direct proportion to how accurate you are. They will either talk over you, or shout at you, repeating the same simplistic, emotionally charged statements over and over until they drown out all reason, you pass out from the exhaustion of it all, or they give you the silent treatment until you submit and apologize for your “offense.” BUT THEY COMMITTED THE OFFENSE, and they are very adept at diverting from the truth with their pathological bullying so we better retreat and learn our lessons. My Narcissist employed this tactic every time they would find some anonymous sexual partner that I would find out about. First the incredulous story that I would shake my head at in total disbelief, then the extreme rage attack because I just did not believe this Narcissist, and then my morals were attacked as if I was the guilty party having these constant affairs.
LASTLY, let’s remember that Narcissists are also very adept at shifting blame to all others for everything that is wrong and never consider how they contribute to and cause the issues as well as their own unhappiness. They just shift responsibility to make you seem bad and crazy in an effort to shame you into submission. They will punish you for their own offenses as well – that is what we are “employed for” by the Narcissist because THEY need to project onto us. We are here to serve them, save them, take care of their every need, change their diapers, accept all of their faults as if they are our own, allow them to betray us and accept it as well as be blamed for it, we must allow them to extort everything they can from us, and we are not allowed to view any of this as anything but a privilege to be in their company – AND they never give anything in return. If we follow all of these rules, we are allowed to be their friend, their beloved family, or love them but we must also pay the price for this wonderful relationship by being stripped of our individuality, integrity, self-esteem and driven to insanity from their delusional abuse.
At heart, a Narcissist is a terroristic bully who will try to steamroll anyone who disagrees with them or when they DON’T get their way. It is not just about controlling THEIR reality, but controlling everyone else’s reality, too. When you allow a Narcissist to determine reality, it would be like letting one of the inmates control/run the asylum. There is only ONE way with a Narcissist and that is discarding them from our life with no/minimal contact. Greg
What is carefully hidden under their ‘fake’ empathy/care? A carefully crafted plan to get into your head to gain access to very personal information to use against you. THEN they turn this information into a situational ‘CRAZY MAKING’ situation where they push your buttons like you are an elevator, up and down always keeping you off balance and never knowing what level you are on.
THE NARCISSIST (having one of their heart to heart conversations): “You CAN trust me! You can confide in me. I am so glad you trust me enough to talk like this. Talk to me anytime you need a listening ear, I am here for you. I am always on your side! You can tell me anything. I will help you out ALWAYS, just open up to me! Don’t worry because I always have your back. I love you so much and am ALWAYS here for you!” Or if you are a friend or family member the “love bombing” is appropriately adjusted to your position in their life. As well as their needs to use you.
Answer or participate in any of these ‘poison conversations’ and you are allowing a Narcissist to uncover your deepest and darkest secrets and insecurities AND they will exploit them completely. They will even fuel a conversation to manipulate you into ‘providing’ personal information about a situation or a person to extort the knowledge and use it against you. What is carefully hidden under their ‘fake’ empathy is an agenda to manipulate and exploit those weaknesses and use them against you in any number of different ways. They will call upon this personal information AT ANY TIME to dehumanize you and invalidate you. They will use your ‘innermost thoughts and secrets’ against you to make themselves ‘in the know’ about personal issues with ‘others’ and negatively triangulate with friends, family and co-workers with that ‘very personal’ information they have gained through sharing. They will withhold their support by knowing and using your weaknesses OR use every bit of personal information against you to manage you down and abuse you psychologically. Calling this a personality disorder is only defining the tip of the iceberg – what is hidden beneath the water is what most people don’t understand as the truth about hoe disordered and destructive these creatures are!
Narcissists are “crazy-makers” and they thrive on negative and debilitating drama through the manipulation of real facts, lies, triangulating, backstabbing, betrayal, etc. This is all to support the crazy-maker’s agenda to divide and conquer, harm, and disable, and essentially destroy people and situations. This is their mechanism to divert reality on a ‘one to one’ (personal level) and within the very groups (organizations) of people they interact with. Wherever and whenever they are present most people have to walk on eggshells, and they feel an impending sense of doom. Most EVERY situation can be part of their agenda to support and create their drama. BUT they are stealth operators and can camouflage their crazy making in a manner that it never seems to originate from them as adversity. It is a care or concern perhaps and they are just mentioning this to perhaps ‘help out’ but is purely steered and driven by the Narcissist as a destructive agenda to gain control over every situation in life!
A crazy maker is someone who makes you feel crazy by constantly stirring up trouble and causing a negative outcome from their involvement and presence in any given situation. ‘Normal’ doesn’t serve a Narcissist and their need for power and control, but CHAOS and ‘crazy making’ does! They are always the problem, but nothing is ever their fault. Greg
MORE intentional devaluation by the Narcissists’s HIDDEN and destructive smearing and backstabbing! It is so VERY important to understand WHY they do this and that is to avoid exposure that THEY are the ABUSERS! Backstabbing and smearing – the Narcissist’s pre-emptive attack on our lives. FIRST, because we all have an expiration date with them – so they have to implement an escape plan that will give THEM the cover to run. Second (with the ‘first’ in mind) they MUST – destroy you and I so they avoid ANY accountability or exposure for being abusive to us.
Many, if not all Narcissists get away with psychological terrorism and they murder their targets self-esteem, mind, and soul – it is part of their agenda after they have gotten all that they came for. Be it bullying, slander, or abuse, they are all things that should be prosecutable offenses and they do this all of their lives. So just how do they get away with it all without any consequences AND why do people believe them? WELL, first off because the Narcissist KNOWS that they are creating outrageous and dehumanizing acts against people and humanity, so they also think up ways to avoid the consequences, especially because of what they fear the most – EXPOSURE!
The big plan! That shrewd Narcissist destroys the victim’s credibility in advance. They are by far NOT geniuses, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you want to get away with abusing someone, you first launch an effective pre-emptive attack on their character, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when the truth finally starts emerging that they (target/victim) were abused. Here is the formula for the Narcissist to be successful at this – abuse and then accuse your target/victim of the very atrocity the Narcissist has committed and BOOM you are on top of your game to escape the exposure. They have been backstabbing/smearing us behind our backs from the very first day that we met them – but we were very distracted by the ‘love bombing’ and growing trust with this creature – just us being a normal and empathic human being. Meanwhile that dark Narcissistic creature was just plugging us into their cycle of abuse and building up their minions, flying monkeys or Narcissistic support soldiers.
So, people believe the monster first. The more preposterous the Narcissist’s accusations, the more firmly people believe them because they got there first spreading their poisonous lies! It is like when a child comes forward with accusations of abuse, people are going to (or basically must) believe the child to get to the truth about the allegations. Any and all preposterous accusations will always yield strong attention to the subject matter because you just can’t walk away from such a dangerous and damaging situation without offering support because it would seem if the person listening didn’t care or lacked the empathy to help the lying Narcissist out. Just the shrewd monster acting out their destructive agenda.
The disordered narcissist commits moral mayhem by destroying the victim’s reputation and credibility, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when they start to tell the truth. Truthfully, this description of mayhem that the Narcissist used to destroy the target/victim’s integrity is purely projection, so the Narcissist gets a bonus by dumping their demons onto us as well! Thus, with the Narcissist this pre-emptive backstabbing and smear campaign, allows the narcissist to reduce the target/victim to such a vulnerable and helpless state that it compounds the abuse at the highest level by accusing the target/victim of being the abuser as well. Remember that the Narcissist used the ‘familiarity’ of knowing us personally to ‘be in the know’ about many of our situations and that familiarity will yield semi-valid but distorted ‘personal’ connections to events and other people. In other words, their smear campaigns will be laced with small bits and pieces of a distorted truth that listeners can relate to.
So, what a Narcissist puts into motion is pathologically treating us like dirt and maligning us behind our backs to control and destroy us. They are predators that are pre-loaded with delusion, psychopathy, and abuse. This seriously puts Narcissists in their own special class with Psychopaths or like a branch from the same Psychopath tree. The class of people who do not wish you or any other human being any sense of well-being, no matter what or how friendly, caring or loving their façade is. This is the same class of predators as physical, sexual or ANY other kind of abusive predator and Narcissists are just as dangerous. Seriously we MUST internalize Narcissists really are predators and dangerous, but many people just do not appreciate the true meaning or the reality of Narcissistic abuse basically letting it in one ear and out the other as the saying goes!
So, if you get to know a Narcissist’s history, you will usually see a track record of destruction followed by mysterious upheavals in their life – but the Narcissist will lie and blame every other person, and citing every possible excuse they can. Truth be told the coward ran in the other direction because the good people (past targets/victims) started comparing notes and got the disordered Narcissist’s number, became enraged and exposed the truth. Narcissists really keep their past separated from the present and the future. Never be silent about this abuse because too many people have been harmed by these creatures – even their own biological children and family. If they are forced out of the darkness, and made accountable for their actions, they would be forced to stop their abuse or run like the cowards they really are. No/minimal contact always to end the madness! Greg