It is one thing for the Narcissist to confess to someone that they are in love with them BUT going to the extreme of claiming, ultimate closeness and displaying feelings and actions to confirm that we were “the one,” their soulmate, etc., is the ultimate and most extreme betrayal a person can experience in life. Once you have escaped from the narcissist, there are a great many issues you will have to face, and often you read that the worst aspect of having been close to a narcissist is the fact that everything has been a lie, betrayal and loss – but in fact the worse aspect is coming to terms with the fact that you have to face life again after with many negative components that were purposely inflicted upon your personal well-being and sanity.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist has robbed the target/victim of their authenticity and integrity and even purposely destroyed it with backstabbing and a smear campaign. To learn to trust yourself and to believe in yourself is a task which will not be easy to accomplish. And the only help at hand is the reality in the knowledge that you were genuine with your feelings and that you had been tricked into an emotional situation which ultimately was out of your control. Recovery is a process to reclaim your feelings and emotions and to overcome fears of expressing such feelings in the real world. Every little step towards this is a success. Just remember that the potential for finding a genuine and loving relationship still exists within you. YOU ARE A PERSON THAT CAN LOVE, a Narcissist can NEVER love and lives in a loathsome and dark world where they will always be alone no matter whether they are physically with someone or not.

 Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist can be described in many ways – but the reality of the situation is that we have looked into the eyes of what can only be described as the nearest thing to evil. It is psychological terrorism by a disordered human being that had no intentions whatsoever to be anything to us but a thief of hearts, as well as a thief of life.

The aspect that is the most damaging about this abuse is that it is silent and invisible – the psychological abuse that has robbed the target/victim of their spirit. Life is no longer the world that we once knew – it doesn’t feel safe, and our core beliefs about one of the most cherished aspects of life – “LOVE” – has been redefined by a silent battle that ensued with an enemy that believed we loved. A battle that we actually never realized was going on. Yes they are enemies to mankind because they act out in a manner to destroy good people, leaving them and their welfare at such a vulnerable place that the recovery is a process that requires time that can compound the abuse even more. Loss is the best word to use here, loss that destroys people and families.

Nothing about this abuse can be construed as anything normal. It is an impossible task to wrap you head around the intentions of such a disordered person, yet alone explain the abuse to the world in a manner that achieves a sense of credibility. Narcissists are like a disease that slowly enters the body and spreads everywhere destroying and shutting the body down bit by bit. Unfortunately there is no cure or medication to stop the diseased Narcissist except to remove the malignancy completely from your life. ALWAYS NO CONTACT – then the process starts to your personal recovery.

Whether you are a man or a woman who has endured an abusive relationship with a Narcissist the best policy AGAIN is the “No/Minimal Contact” rule and the sooner you achieve this the better. You must make a clean break and stick with it so the healing process can begin. It’s natural to feel emotional or sentimental after a break up; however, you are in a war zone when you are dealing with an abusive relationship with a Narcissist. Seriously they have the artillery, landmines, and bombs ready and waiting to destroy their target/victim!

 This is serious stuff because your time is precious on this earth and once you recognize that your ex is an abusive malignant Narcissist it is time to get into action to get away from them. I looked at my departure from abuse as the “GREG Witness Protection Program.” These are the basic combat plans to achieve your goals of “no contact” as well as protect yourself.

 1. Ability not to care at all as it concerns your Ex-Narcissist! They are not real and don’t exist in the natural and normal world where we all reside.

 2. Make a commitment to yourself to refuse to be influenced in any way by threats, further intimidation, or bad consequences. Leave it where it is – WITH THE NARCISSIST hissing in the shadows – and NEVER respond; only record what they say as proof. They are cowards and fight with hideous lies meant to cause irreparable damage to your integrity

 3. Take a decisive approach to breaking ALL of the connections and sever any and ALL residual communication links like mutual friends or social networking sites like Facebook, etc.

 4. YOU MUST absolutely refuse to feel any “shame or blame” or to be put on the defensive especially in your OWN mind as if ANY of this is your fault or real. The abuse is psychological terrorism and meant to disable your thought processes so the Narcissist can CONTROL you – DON’T ALLOW IT anymore!

 5. Insistence from this point on that any discussion of the facts begin with the words “abuse,” “destruction,” and “control” as well as removing the Narcissists name from your vocabulary – CALL him/her your Ex-Narcissist and you had NO RELATIONSHIP – it was purely abuse.

 6. Refusal to negotiate EVER because you KNOW the absolute truth so NEVER give it up – NEVER!

 7. Satisfaction that you are strong and cognizant of the fact that this Narcissist picked the wrong person to “smear” or take down. You are the real person here that is amazing, unconditional with your love and most importantly you possess a quality called empathy which a Narcissist has NONE.

 8. Adopt a policy or philosophy of collateral damage as the cost of freedom from this abuse and further evidence of the rightness of your cause and the very truth. It is like RUNNING but in an organized fashion!

 9. Practice extreme patience with yourself always and don’t be worn down by any setbacks, surprises, or consequence. We all make mistakes and step backwards. This isn’t something you have had experience with because it is ABUSE and that word says it all!

Re-initiating contact will only prolong your pain and recovery and cause more and severe damage. It’s the difference between recuperating in the hospital slowly after open heart surgery or deciding instead that you will skip the recuperation period and go work out at the gym. You are only going to end up in harm’s way if you don’t recuperate correctly until you are COMPLETELY healed. In the case of a Narcissist, you want to maintain that “no contact” forever!

 If you give a Narcissist an inch, they’ll they take an arm or leg off with a few swift bites. You may think it is OK to accept calls and/or responding to texts and emails, but it is wrong and DANGEROUS. You’re giving the Narcissist permission to keep abusing you. The Narcissist will interpret your willingness to maintain contact as interest in rekindling the relationship and a WEAKNESS on your part and they will add more links to that chain that is around your neck. If you DO respond to your Ex-Narcissist, he/she does indeed still have you on a chain that will now get tighter to pull you back into the abuse. The Narcissist will definitely continue to gas-light, manipulate, trick you, lie, be possessive and intrusive, and extort everything they can from you. All that Narcissist needs is the smallest bit of attention, negative or positive to keep them going. If you want that Narcissist to move on, you must starve the beast and that means no contact and no attention.  Greg  

How is a Narcissist able to walk around in our world and get away with their emotional and psychological murder?

How is a Narcissist able to walk around in our world and get away with their emotional and psychological murder?

From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! 

Narcissists do not have ANY capacity to have healthy interactions with ANYBODY. They simply are not wired with the internal mechanisms to have these skills! How do they manage to imitate the normal human condition so well? Through observation and studying people and mimicking our behaviors. Again, they are basically predators that camouflage their true selves to remain undetected so they can con and then trap people into their world, otherwise their lack of emotions, empathy, compassion, and everything else would scare people off. It is just a working façade for them to fit into society.

Narcissists are also very skilled in a manner to dissociate any real guilt or shame that they should feel about their betrayal, dehumanization, and antisocial behaviors. This dissociation is like a force field that protects the Narcissist from seeing their real identity and realizing how cruel their actions are. This dissociation also prevents them from experiencing any guilt. Dissociation is a difficult concept to grasp and basically clinical in nature. It means to block out a thought or emotion and then projecting it onto and into someone else. In the real world we just say Narcissist DO NOT CARE and that is the basic reality with them. Watch them run off after they are exposed and start a whole new life again with new supply AND within days of ending their relationship with you. You will be blocked from their social networking sites, ostracized as being mentally insane, a liar, abusive to them, AND THEY HATE YOU. Just another HUGE wall they create to block how they abused another ‘ex!” They will even leave their biological children behind with a care!

OK so the nitty gritty to help you understand how a human being can be like this! Narcissists do not live in the real world that you and I do. They live in their own world made up of fantasy, lies, delusions, deceit, and they lack all morals. They have their own ‘fantasy reality’ that everyone that has any part of their life must accept or they will be deemed crazy, punished, and even destroyed. They live in a world where they make up all the rules and then break all the rules. In this world everyone must think just like them or better yet approve everything that the Narcissist does without question or prejudice. If you are a part of their life, you can never reflect anything that would reveal their true Identity or ask for accountability from them in ANY manner.

All the Narcissist’s sins must be forgiven and accepted but YOU must be perfect and basically their servant and caretaker. Acceptance and adoration must be given to the Narcissist CONSTANTLY, but absolutely none is given to you in return. In their world ABUSE is how they reward your love, and you must accept the abuse because that is all you are worthy of. You must support their deluded actions without blinking an eye, but if you breathe the wrong way you will be severely punished.

Living in their world will always involve gas-lighting, betrayal, pathological lying, isolation, triangulation, and extreme manipulation so they can keep their false identity in place. You constantly must tip toe around the Narcissist’s fragile ego to keep them happy so that their true identity and nature doesn’t rear its ugly face. Living in their world is like walking through a field of land mines or hidden bombs and you never know when they will explode but when they do the Narcissist is always there detonating them!

It is a distorted land of make believe and everything is fine as far as the Narcissist is concerned because it totally serves them. BUT it is a land of horrible secrets and painful lies for the victim. THE ONLY truth is a relative truth based on what YOU may believe the relationship really is or what you were conned into believing was real. YOUR relationship IS ONLY held together through fear, guilt, obligation, and desperation – that and being a source of supply to this Narcissist until they find a replacement. This is a desperate love for you and a nonexistent love as it concerns a Narcissist because it is part of their working façade to ONLY pull you in and keep you as a source of supply until a better one comes along!

The Narcissist sabotages everything and everyone because NOBODY can be better or do better than the NARCISSIT! It is a place where your dreams will die quickly, and your self-esteem and self-worth die along with them. It is a place where caring, liking, or love does not exist at all! It does not only occur in romantic relationships, but it can also be a family member, a friend, or even a boss, co-worker or somebody in your community – and a Narcissist will malign and severely damage everybody that has any sort of connection with them.

Suddenly after so much time together with this Narcissist your world is no longer the one you believed in. You question everyday reality, but most of all you question yourself. You wonder how you could have been so naive, foolish, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing, etc., etc. You were betrayed and duped in a hideous fashion by the great manipulator! It was just your turn to be a puppet for this Narcissist or replace old supply and shore up the Narcissists lies. You essentially became their safe haven after their last target/victim and just new supply.

YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns truth and reality in a very normal manner! BUT the Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through deception to make you BELIEVE they are like you in every way when they are the direct opposite and purely toxic. With all their overt manipulation they make you believe they are so full of charm and love AND there is no reason NOT to reciprocate back with your love, devotion, and TRUST. You see no other reason than to believe him/her because if the Narcissist acts like you (the NORMAL person), reciprocates by saying that he/she likes or loves you, then there is no reason not to believe him/her because in your past, people who acted in this manner and spoke these exact same words could be trusted. You only believed there was congruency or reality in the initial connection, and you did what other normal people did and went with it because the Narcissist LIED so well and hid their secret perverted world from you! But not now because time has changed so many things. YOU TRUSTED THIS PERSON WITH YOUR LOVE!

Suddenly you learn that someone (the Narcissist) you trusted implicitly, be it a spouse, lover, family member, close friend, etc., has been putting you down, backstabbing you, lying, manipulating others against you, betraying you, and yet STILL maintaining a FALSE stance of intimacy, friendship, or LOVE with you. It is just impossible to understand because it is a horrendous betrayal, so your world becomes so unclear and now you have so much conflict and animosity about this.

Unfortunately, you are stuck between two worlds – one where you believed in their love and one where you see truth that it was a distorted love meant to harm you! A Narcissist loves to get into your head and gain control to satisfy their every need, then they enjoy devaluing you for letting them in and enjoy the process of the harm they inflict upon you. It is this power they love and need to survive.

There are so many areas of our lives that are impacted by the abuse that are so far reaching that it reached your deepest level of core beliefs and literally changes your identity! It is just never one area that is affected by this abuse, it is our emotional, spiritual, mental, and even our physical world that is seemingly altered forever! Each area requires its own recovery process and the reason why recovering takes an exceptionally long time, education, support, introspection and a STRONG will to get better – one in which you must completely purge this Narcissist out of your thoughts, heart, soul, and life forever. It all starts with no/minimal contact! Greg

The aim of the emotional abuser is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence or CONTROL through trampling down or eroding any and all normal boundaries that we all deserve and need.

Let these words completely resonate with you and provide clarity about a Narcissist and what they do – KNOWLEDGE is our road to true healing and moving forward! The aim of the emotional abuser is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence or CONTROL through trampling down or eroding any and all normal boundaries that we all deserve and need. In an emotionally abusive relationship, you may feel isolated and disassociated – and like there is no way out or without this person you will have nothing OR lose everything. PEOPLE that have not experienced this do NOT understand the total scope of this hideous attack on our lives and the destruction it causes at every level of OUR once healthy life.

From my book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Here is the truth and very facts about this abuse! It is NOT the target/victim JUST grieving loss, be it love, a career, a friend, a family member, etc. – it is the grieving of the dehumanization and subjugation from their perpetrator or the toxic and abusive Narcissist. This is NOT a onetime deal wither – it has been constant attacks and emotional and psychological attacks and undermining of the victim’s complete being! The target/victim bundles everything up and somehow even blames themselves as if they created everything they are feeling as well as deserve it because of the extreme emotional manipulation and brainwashing. There may be a career lost, family rejection, admonishment from the people closest to them, or even biological children involved with a marriage. Financial ruin may be an outcome, be it a career loss or even divorce, and character assassination waiting for the target/victim as well from the Narcissist’s smear campaign. This is probably the darkest time of the target/victim’s life having to deal with the total devaluation, rejection, discard, and devastation from someone that they BELIEVED in! This is betrayal so hideous that a person that has never experienced this abuse could never even start to realize the damage that is done to a target/victim.

It was pathological in such an extreme manner that it is just impossible to understand how another human being could be so cruel and abhorrent to lead a basically good, caring, and loving person down a road of psychological abuse that essentially could destroy or damage them for life. This is a feeling that nobody could ever understand – there are NO ADEQUATE words to describe the feeling of what this abuse does to a sane, loving, and empathic person. To understand the time that is lost, the EXTREME betrayal, and the experience of feeling worthless AND punished for no other reason than the fact that you were at the wrong place at the WRONG time and chosen by a predator to be their next victim of abuse. It is incomprehensible and takes so much self-reflection, strength, courage, love, and validation and a new journey that we must embark upon to fix ourselves now. Sometimes it does not happen because many targets/victims do not even understand that they have been abused, they are convinced that they were to blame and have issues concerning their mental health because the abuse was PYSCHOLOGICAL RAPE and MEANT to make them feel insane, crazy, etc. They were intentionally led down this road by a malignant Narcissist and the ABUSE has disabled them mentally, so they also believe they ARE AT FAULT and live in that confusion and fog forever and NEVER recovering fully!

We mourn the loss of reality in our life, along with dreams, memories, time together, small laughs and shared experiences. We mourn the loss of our life as if a part of us was suffocated or died from this hideous abuse. Our emotional scars cause us to doubt and question the truth of this ugly reality where we lose faith in people as well as trust. We are merely disposable objects to them because we got in the way of THEIR self-serving agenda, and that is incomprehensible to us. It was subjugation pure and simple, and we were conned into this relationship by a highly disordered individual that used our emotions to get us there – that is as low as it can get and that is what ALL abusers do to secure their target into their agenda.

The Narcissists personality disorder is so deeply ingrained into the cycles of this abuse that they are totally out of control and beyond ANY HELP WE COULD OFFER. They live a perverse lifestyle and have ridiculously bad judgment as it concerns any other human beings – they just don’t care what they do and hurting/destroying others is simply part of the process of getting everything they want. They simply do not care who they hurt, be it their spouse, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, biological children, friend, co-worker and even their pets.

Ask yourself how many times this has happened in ANY relationship you have or had – be it a spouse, partner, friend, mother, father, sister, brother, co-worker, professional you seek out for care or help, boss, or any other person in your life. With emotional abuse it is ABUSE pure and simple – there is absolutely NO excuse for it, NOR do you deserve it, nor must you try to reconcile it EVER. We MUST embrace that word (abuse) as well as internalize the truth that we WERE abused by a very disordered, deranged, not fully functioning human being or whatever descriptive word you decide to use. But they are real, and they meant to hurt us, damage us or even destroy us with a smile on their face and a dark empty soul. Taking charge of our life once again has its own reward too and that is the chance to grow in love again and you will! Now for the Narcissist there is no love and never will be any. They do not have a heart, mind or soul that is equipped to bond in any form or manner with another human being and they lack TOTAL empathy. They only know how to loathe and hate life and the people that live outside of their deranged and delusional world.

Now it is time that we must ‘be real’ about all of this and do damage control to save ourselves, our families from this attack on our lives AND yes that is what it is. Just like being in war we must create and build a concrete bunker from this point on to protect ourselves from the enemy – or in real terms THIS ABUSE. Knowledge and education are imperative to recovering and being able to thrive — to accomplish this we must learn from our experiences and form healthy boundaries that disallow any toxic person from having access to our life. Greg

The most important aspect of this abuse is how they objectify people and put them in a useful place to serve their every need. This can be anything from the person that is in a romantic relationship with them, friends, a co-worker, a minion to support the Narcissist’s lies, parents, and biological children – basically EVERYONE serves a purpose to keep that false mask firmly attached to the Narcissist’s head. We are players in an elaborate stage production that the Narcissist writes called “My Delusional Life of Lies.”

The most important aspect of this abuse is how they objectify people and put them in a useful place to serve their every need. This can be anything from the person that is in a romantic relationship with them, friends, a co-worker, a minion to support the Narcissist’s lies, parents, and biological children – basically EVERYONE serves a purpose to keep that false mask firmly attached to the Narcissist’s head. We are players in an elaborate stage production that the Narcissist writes called “My Delusional Life of Lies.”

From my book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

YES, we do all have our roles – some of us are primary roles, secondary roles and bit parts – but none of us are looked upon as anything more than a reflection of the Narcissist’s needs and we are used to create a convincing and FALSE self for the Narcissist to wear, as well as serve them. They really do make the most of their delusional needs with outrageous lies, manipulation, betrayal and the whole nine yards. If we don’t play these roles in the exact manner our employer (the Narcissist) we are bullied back into our role or abandoned from the elaborate stage production and even punished. There are always new players added to the production as the Narcissist sees fit – or for whatever opportunity may arise that serves the Narcissist’s delusional world. There is no commitment to any one person at any time or love in the least bit. The Narcissist is playing everyone from the moment they wake up until they fall asleep at night. YES, this does include having multiple relationships as well. Unfortunately, we are always the last to know because that mask is firmly cemented onto the Narcissist with abundant charm and LIES.

 This elaborate production runs and even ‘taken on the road’ with the Narcissist EVERYWHERE as long as it draws huge crowds and pays the Narcissist’s bills (extorting us) and supplies their needs and wants. Once the Narcissist is bored with their production, or the players quit – they completely move on and re-write a new stage production for themselves with brand new characters. BUT they make sure to burn down the theater where their last production took place.

 Narcissists are only as successful as long as they receive supply from a support network. They are not normal functioning human beings, because their out-of-control needs always harm/destroy, cause havoc and chaos to everyone around them. They destroy lives!

 Narcissists need to find people they can manipulate, even tricking them into falling in love, but the Narcissist’s version of love involves complete compliance, support, admiration, loss of freedom, basically doing everything for the narcissist as well as dealing with the abuse of a person that is needy beyond words, and a non-functional and disordered person. Your part in this relationship will NEVER be enough. There is not enough any one person could do for a Narcissist because the Narcissist can never feel any sort of gratification because they objectify all people – or basically use them. The basis of any relationship is built on lies and that catches up with them.

 This is the true nature of the Narcissist – a creature that is disconnected from people in this world because they feel omnipotent or rule supreme over everybody else and their connection to any of us is born ONLY OUT OF THEIR NEEDS and not ours. What else could an empty soul offer to any of us if they have no real emotions or empathy.

 What this boils down to is that they are by far delusional and dysfunctional and IN DENIAL of just how disordered they are. As long as they have new lies and new supply they shore up their delusions and move on with a trail of destruction behind them.

Their love never existed it is only the reflection of us and our goodness that they respond to in a manipulating manner to take more and more. Their actions are no different than physically abusing us. Whether it is a punch to the face or a punch to our mind they are hideous, lying, and destructive creatures. It will take a long time to get past this damage – this is true. A hit to the mind is a deep wound. It also wounds us in many ways to know that someone could be so malevolent and destructive to actually disable us through such deviant manipulation. In that I have made amends in my life with this abuse and this repulsive monster – I remember all too well the damage to myself and my family. I learned early on to voice the truth loudly. I rejected the abuse and kept speaking out and will continue to do this to educate people and out this abuser. This abuse is hideous, and NOBODY deserves the losses associated with what amounts to an extortionist. There are more than 40,000 people here speaking out about this abuse. There is education, strength, and healing in the numbers and a testament to the reality of these abusers. This account as well as everybody else’s story is incredulous, but they are all too real. Together we have to help each and every person that crosses the threshold of this abuse so that they can recover by understanding the truth – that is what lights the way for all of us. Greg  

We all have our roles – some of us are primary roles, secondary roles, and bit parts – but none of us are looked upon as anything more than a reflection of the Narcissist’s needs and WE are used to create a convincing and FALSE self for the Narcissist to wear, as well as objects to serve them. They really do make the most of their delusional needs with outrageous lies, manipulation, betrayal and the whole nine yards.

This elaborate production runs and even ‘taken on the road’ with the Narcissist EVERYWHERE as long as it draws huge crowds and pays the Narcissist’s bills (extorting us) and supplies their needs and wants. Once the Narcissist is bored with their production, or the players quit – they completely move on and re-write a new stage production for themselves with brand new characters. BUT they make sure to burn down the theater where their last production took place. Greg  

A Narcissist is a con artist, life HACK, scammer, chameleon, shape shifter, liar, extortionist, manipulator, great pretender, thief, user, “Charms to Harm,” and an emotional and psychological abuser. They are a PREDATOR after PREY and dangerous to ALL humans no matter what the connection!

A Narcissist is a con artist, life HACK, scammer, chameleon, shape shifter, liar, extortionist, manipulator, great pretender, thief, user, “Charms to Harm,” and an emotional and psychological abuser. They are a PREDATOR after PREY and dangerous to ALL humans no matter what the connection!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Beneath that thin mask the Narcissist wears is the reality of their pathological self PLUS their WHOLE past of victims/targets they have abused and an envy for life that shows in their raging temper that is like a volcano that can erupt at any given moment. YES, they are aware of their actions because they use lie after lie to cover up their abuse. Like a child that stole a piece of candy and lies about it to avoid being punished – so does the Narcissist at a monumental level. Remember their past is always following them and should they ever stop for a moment it will catch up with them and completely consume them because they are abusers that have damaged many people’s lives – even their own family so they try to extinguish the flames from that past with MORE lies. When the going gets tough the Narcissist gets going – so they are off and running to new supply ALWAYS surrounding themselves with a protective circle of new targets/victims, MORE NEW LIES, as well as a new and WONDEROUS life to shore up their disordered life AGAIN – and this equation ALWAYS includes the demise/destruction of the previous source of supply and the “believers” that support the delusional Narcissist! Thus, the cycle of abuse – they are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.

The Narcissist is a human that is not fully functioning – and quickly becomes very adept at “fitting in” with camouflage or “a mask” as it is described clinically. Initially, the Narcissist will size up AND take in as much if not of all the new target’s behavior and mimic it or mirror it back to them to SEEM like they have so much in common with the victim – NO MATTER WHAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS. The Narcissist is VERY ADEPT AT THIS and will carefully study the target’s interactions with others, as well as their body language, tone of voice, and general demeanor. As an expert predator/hunter, the Narcissist will methodically craft a plan of attack and begin to track and assess their target’s every thought. The Narcissist will slowly approach the target with complimentary words and statements and then the Narcissist will model themselves and their behaviors to what he/she thinks will please and SNARE their new target into their web of deceit and destruction. The Narcissist will assume the behavior of the target’s “perfect partner”. The Narcissist knows what the target desires in a partner, friend, or mate and morph’s right into that role – the MOST PERFECT friend, lover or again whatever the relationship may be. This is the most important aspect in the Narcissist’s arsenal of tools – GAINING TRUST of their target soon to be victim – this is the CHARM or love bombing. Without it the cycle of abuse and extortion will just not happen, and the Narcissist is unable to secure their LIFE SUSTAINING supply, so they HEAVILY invest in this tactic. Remember without it they cannot get to their precious source of supply NOR can they survive without it!  So basically, this describes the truth of the situation or that they are PREDATORS AFTER PREY. Also remember that they must create their supporters or minions on the side to protect them as well. A Narcissist’s true colors will always show that they are abusive, so they need their support system to protect them once they are outed.

A Narcissist is so seductive that he/she makes you believe in him/her with your whole heart, mind and soul. Unfortunately for all who tread on this emotional rollercoaster with a Narcissist they don’t realize just how dangerous this connection with them is until it is too late. The charm a Narcissist utilizes creates an oblivious feeling of being connected or very attracted to most everything about them. We can become fascinated with someone because of their physical beauty BUT a charming and captivating Narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks can increase the magnetic pull towards the Narcissist, but that is not at the core of this abuse, it is the manufactured charm that is a psychologically damaging and a deceptive tool used to manipulate, condition, manage you down and control you.

They charm people to death (figuratively) and this is what literally attracts us to them or that CHARM. But with a Narcissist it is that magnetism that makes you feel a sort of hypnotizing attraction that manifests itself in your psyche and every level of your soul and right to your core beliefs! You are being charmed by their shrewd ability of REFLECTING back everything that is YOU creating this intoxicating and deep-rooted bond. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you have known them a long time, soul mates, or you feel very safe with them – perhaps you have known them in a prior life or whatever fantasy belief that Narcissist has instilled in your mind. BUT they will suck the life out of you once they find a way in and THAT is why they CHARM us so heavily in the beginning – again, so much so that it is intoxicating.

Narcissists work extremely hard at making themselves believable as it concerns their overt lies and myths about themselves. They arm themselves with a vast array of learned information they have harvested through their observations of other humans. They acquire and then wear, personalize, or enhance this information as if it is truly theirs. So, what is the goal again with all of this? To snag you into his/her Narcissistic lair to make you supply them with the things they need and cannot get because they are a dark and manipulative personality that envies life, love and people.

Remember and completely internalize this – there is no marriage vow, relationship (even family), friendship, or connection to the care and love they proclaim they have for us. NOTHING prohibits a Narcissist from doing exactly what they want because there are no consequences they feel internally and really there is NO RELATIONSHIP or bonding with them – just an agenda to objectify ALL people. BUT also remember this – YOU do possess empathy, YOU can love people, YOU can bond, YOU can have all kinds of relationships, and YOU will recover from the hack on your life from this creature! YOU were too strong for them and saw through their façade because YOU are amazing! The miracle here is that the Narcissist is out of your life no matter how painful it feels right now – be strong! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

It is a daily thing when it concerns this abuse and over time the target/victim becomes numb to the fact that every day they are being managed down to feel completely worthless, having issues, isolated, silenced, fearful, the ‘PROBLEM,’ and completely confused and LOST!

It is a daily thing when it concerns this abuse and over time the target/victim becomes numb to the fact that every day they are being managed down to feel completely worthless, having issues, isolated, silenced, fearful, the ‘PROBLEM,’ and completely confused and LOST! There is level upon level of this gaslighting piling up on them that it becomes an emotional and psychological prison that they cannot escape – it is called TRAUMA.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

With psychological abuse from a Narcissist a target/victim gets so caught up in the highs and lows that constantly surround them that they never see the bigger picture AND the real danger they are in. These highs and lows do not present themselves as concretely as most observers (people that have not been abused) want to believe. Most of the time the conflict between the Narcissist and the target/victim is a hit and run tactic and the target/victim has no sense of the reason behind it AND feel like they must explain themselves. It comes out of nowhere, and usually there is no basis for the argument or the put downs, so the target/victim is not aware of the particular issue or guilty of ANYTHING. Instead, it is a tactic that the narcissist uses to confuse and disable the target/victim as well as control them. Without these attacks having a viable reason a target/victim is always out in left field and perpetually CONFUSED and feeling the need amend or fix SOMETHING!

It is also a daily thing when it concerns this abuse and over time the target/victim becomes numb to the fact that every day they are being managed down to feel worthless with level upon level piling up to the point that it becomes an emotional and psychological prison. It is part of the disordered Narcissist’s agenda to make their partner feel small, manage them down, and in time disable them completely. Along with this the Narcissist isolates their target/victim from friends, family and loved ones so that they become solely dependent on the Narcissist. It is all out psychological warfare that a target/victim has no sense of. The target/victim is not prepared for battle because they do not even know that there is a war waging right in front of them. The target/victim does not realize that there is a terrorist in their life that means to harm or destroy them, nor could they even consider that the person doing this to them is actually their enemy because they love them (or care) in some form or fashion. The Narcissist enlists psychological warfare that is more like a tasteless and odorless poison that over time kills!

Targets/victims get so lost in the day to day managing down that they fail to see just how effective the Narcissist is at distorting their reality (the manipulation.) You are never having a REAL conversation with a REAL person. This is the essence of ABUSE and how we become desensitized, and our reality distorted. Everything a Narcissist says (and does) has NOTHING to do with a normal ‘back and forth’ conversation between two normal people! You (target/victim) are COMMUNICATING and believing that the Narcissist is reciprocating, but they are observing and scheming through your words and actions. They are drawing information from you in a manner to know your strengths and weaknesses and how to use those against you. They may reply in what seems like a normal manner, but they are interrogating you to draw out what they can and then they distort what they can, so you never have a cohesive conversation with them. You will always find yourself WONDERING about something or other. The result is that they have you where they want you.

When you came out of this you felt like you were in a fog, or better yet that your reality was altered and basically it was through the slow process of brainwashing and the manipulation from your perpetrator. You are traumatized, confounded, and confused and wondering what hit you squarely in the brain. We are functioning, but not as we once did. If we were the person, we were before this abuse we would have had a much clearer perspective AFTER discard, but unfortunately, we are not that person anymore. We have gained the knowledge, but we are vulnerable and damaged, so we really struggle.

We were not in denial in the beginning we were tricked, conned, manipulated, etc. But here is the point we also never realized this in its entirety while we were with them and WHY? Well because the agenda of the Narcissist was not apparent, and the manipulation was subtle and consistent. We were always drawn back into the abuse through Narcissistic magic or trickery. Day by day we were managed down more and more through the Narcissist’s vast arsenal of tools to the point that we were not in our original state of conscious thinking – our reality was altered by our perpetrator so they could harvest us as supply!

Along with this they employ so many techniques to confuse you, or make you question what you said, or basically always feeling like you must explain yourself. That is how they gain the upper hand! Beyond the love bombing which was just another grand scheme to manipulate you into the abuse with words and actions, the remainder of the relationship will consume you with always feeling the need to defend yourself. There is no such thing as individuality with a Narcissist and they are not going to allow you to have needs or be anything but what they want you to be. The KEY point here is that the love you FEEL (conned into) connects you to a Narcissist as well as blinds you to the abuse because they dangle that love in front of you and make you basically beg to have it back. That is purely behavioral modification using withholding techniques to change you to accept their disordered abuse! Remember that they are employing their disguise to con everyone around them to get what they want, but the primary 24/7 supply suffers the most from this abuse. They have other sources of supply on the side to feed their out-of-control lifestyle, and minions that sing their praises. How sad and destructive for the primary 24/7 target/victim 9or ANY target/victim) to believe that what they have with a Narcissist is a relationship when it is nothing more than a place for the Narcissist to have constant supply as well as a refuge to hide the real truth of just how perverse they are concerning life and people. No/minimal contact always. Greg

Starting on the road to recovery.

Starting on the road to recovery:  However, it is that we get to the truth we can never go backward again. We are taking the first step forward, and we will only continue to see more and more truth. We must ride this wave the whole way and it may knock us over and under the raging water, BUT we will be able to get our head above water again and swim back to shore because the only alternative is to drown, and WE CAN’T DO THAT. We can never again live in a pretend relationship where hatred is love that every word spoken to us is really just a lie, or that a Narcissist who is incapable of caring/loving another person can or does care or loves us. They are Narcissists and we cannot do ANYTHING to change that or them – WE CAN’T fix them or the relationship.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

We have to face this truth, as painful as it may feel and painful it will be AND there is no getting around this. But if we have been with OR lived with a Narcissist for a significant portion of our life, then we are very much accustomed to pain and being managed down and that is what we are working through or ALL OF THAT BRAINWASHING. This pain feels very different, lonely, isolated, and scary. We can get through it. We can’t ever go back to the world of Narcissistic lies and betrayal. We can never go back; we have to go forward – WE HAVE TO.

We must be able to recognize that this relationship wasn’t based on love, but upon control tactics (fear, shame, and guilt), unmet emotional needs, dysfunctional dependency, brainwashing, betrayal, constant managing down and projection. WE have bought into the lies that this Narcissist has told us! “No one will ever love you as much as me.” “You’ll never find anyone as wonderful as me.” “You’re crazy if you think anyone else would want you.” “You don’t know how lucky you are that I put up with you.” “You owe me after everything I did for you.” GUESS WHAT they believe this BS and nonsense because they are disordered and damaged and have created this false persona that supports their delusions. They leave a trail of destruction that goes way back to the first days they were able to speak. We were managed down to accept these lies hook, line, and sinker and sadly pair this brainwashing with a very small handful of good memories. This brainwashing was a very powerful, distorted belief that kept us (and keeps us) from moving on and then disables us AFTER THE FACT making it difficult to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone new – ESPECIALLY OURSELVES.

Despite the relentless abuse, rage episodes, mind games, projection, gaslighting and demoralization, SOMEHOW, we believe we are still in love with these Narcissists on some level and possibly we will always love them. These messages continuously play behind all of our attempts to reach closure and YES through our recovery – it is part of recovery, and we must live it! This attitude or thought process is evidence of how the emotionally abusive Narcissist brainwashes or programs their targets. It is akin to an addiction, and our addiction is to the drug of our choice and that is this Narcissist. A drug alters our mind when we ingest it, and brainwashing and programming from a Narcissist ALSO alters our mind when we ingest and internalize their messages. Like an addict that will continually justify their returning to the drug of choice EVEN though it is damaging their mind and life and is basically destroying them – it is the addiction message that keeps the addict going back. That message is also in us and what causes us to relapse. The message has altered our mind to believe in the Narcissist against all the odds and truth that they are bad for us. In time with education and support we will deprogram this message and be desensitized to it. But we have to always be cognizant of the fact that the message is in our subconscious and destroy it so it doesn’t start replaying itself or we will fall backwards into the abuse pattern again.

It is a fact of life that it takes time to grieve the loss of a significant relationship and that includes normal and ABNORMAL ones. No matter how abusive your Narcissist is/was, you still need to mourn the loss because it was portrayed as normal to you (just more of the brainwashing.) This may be confusing because ending a relationship with an abuser should ultimately feel like an act of liberation and freedom, but for many, it is also experienced as a huge loss. Not the reality of the loss of the monster Narcissist, but the loss of the ideal fantasy image that was first IMAGED or constructed in your head by the ‘love bombing’ and that is the real relationship you keep wishing back. In reality this is just a false image that had very few fleeting moments of real sanity. It is a fake persona the Narcissist created for us through the BIGGEST lies and manipulation or the love bombing to lock us into their agenda.  The man or woman as well as the relationship you loved, and miss do not exist! What exists and remains in your mind is the ‘what ifs, or only if I did this, that or what not, or worked harder to fix this’ THEN everything would have been OK – it is just DENIAL of the truth and a manipulative ploy of the Narcissist.

Think about the many thoughts that have gone through your head like, “if only he/she weren’t so crazy,” or “If only he/she weren’t so cruel,” or “If only he/she wasn’t such a liar,” or “if only he/she wouldn’t have cheated,” Or “if only I would have tried harder to make this work.” None of that is realistic because no person should feel inclined to take blame for such outrageous “if only this or that’s.” How about this – the person you were with is not a fully functional human being and a predator that meant to destroy you through dehumanizing and abusing you. There or no “ifs” in that reality.

If you think you can help the Narcissist to see the truth about themselves or the way they treated you in the relationship in order to get them to change, you are only in denial. Even when this Narcissist is hurling the most abusive poison at you, in the Narcissist’s mind, they believe that they are being magnanimous for pointing out the error of your ways, so you can improve yourself and be the person THEY DESERVE. In their mind, you should be grateful that they take time from her their busy schedule to criticize, abuse and be condescending to you. When they cheat on you it is because you deserve it for not meeting their every need – and they justify it as being your fault that they had to find WHAT THEY NEEDED elsewhere. They see nothing wrong with it, or that they lied to cover it up, or that YOU better never do the same thing to them. The sun rises and sets on them. They create all the rules and never abide by any of them. This is what a Narcissist does – AVOIDS reality and allow themselves the freedom to do anything they want at will because they are completely entitled to do so no matter how it may harm somebody else EVEN their own biological children! So how do we fix any of that – we DON’T.

You DON’T bargain with someone so that they treat you well. Being treated with kindness, decency, consideration, respect, and acceptance should be a prerequisite for an intimate relationship (or any relationship,) not something you are rewarded with for meeting one of the Narcissist’s unreasonable demands or if the Narcissist is trying to manipulate you into fulfilling their agenda by making you a source of supply. Either a person is capable of a reciprocal relationship, or they are not. It doesn’t matter what you do or how nice, patient and understanding you are with a Narcissist. They are what they are, a controlling, cruel, abusive, emotional predator, and bully. You can’t appease a bully or persuade them to be nice to you. If you do, they will only see you as weak and bulldoze you all the more and that is what the Narcissist does in the devaluation stage. This predator will always devalue and discard EVERY person that has some sort of relationship with them. They are omnipotent and superior in their own minds. In the reality they are damaged, dysfunctional, and destructive abusers – but you will NEVER get them to see this.

When you see that they have moved on the old messages start replaying in your mind. Obviously, this is all your fault because they have successfully moved on with someone knew. They seem to be in love and that only reinforces those old messages to start playing back in your head. Those are the messages you have to shut down completely with the truth that they are a Narcissist, and they abuse everyone. Then you must let it go or reinforce that truth every time you feel weak or fall backwards and contact them.

What else can an abuser that has the track record of a thief and criminal do but pose as the wonderful partner or lover to someone new? Didn’t they set the same trap for us? Didn’t we fall for the huge love bombing con? Isn’t this their modus operandi or method of operation? Yes, yes and one more YES for good measure! They HAVE to do this because they can’t afford the bad publicity or draw attention to the truth that they are disordered and an abuser. They have to be able to trap the next target/victim because they need to harvest supply every single moment they are awake. Without it they would be an empty shell and wither away. Their darkness can never be allowed to surface, or the world would reject them, shame them and cast them off the face of the world. Criminals don’t ever want to be caught! An abuser is nothing more than a criminal with ill intent to extort our love and lives!

A Narcissist wants you to constantly DOUBT your memory and even your sanity!

A Narcissist wants you to constantly DOUBT your memory and even your sanity! SO, they will ACCUSE you of overreacting, misunderstanding, or having ISSUES. That is purely manipulation and deflection from the abusive Narcissist to avoid accountability and to look innocent AND to make YOU look like the problem! It is ALWAYS your fault!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist uses many malicious forms of emotional and psychological abuse that are always self-serving, manipulative and meant to control the target/victim. I want to talk in depth about one far reaching method; “gas-lighting” because it is one of the more damaging tools that debases the target/victim and encompasses so many levels of this abuse. It will also outline the Narcissists technique and how they adapt their technique to us personally.

Gas-lighting is a term that is derived from an old black and white movie where a character makes their spouse believe they were going crazy or insane through devious acts and denial that these situations were happening. After the murder of the victim’s famous opera-singing aunt, she is sent to study and become a great opera singer as well. While there, she falls in love with a very CHARMING older man. The two return to reside in the home of the victim’s aunt, and the victim begins to notice strange things happening — missing pictures, strange footsteps in the night, and the home’s gaslights dimming without being touched. He psychologically begins to torture the victim through these acts, and she has a nervous breakdown and has insecurity and memory problems. She fights to retain her sanity while her new husband’s intentions come into question as he denies that ANY of these situations were real but all part of her having issues around her own mental health. The victim’s aunt was murdered by the victim’s new husband over valuable jewelry that was still hidden in the house that he wanted to retrieve so he needed CON the victim into this relationship to get at these jewels and have her silenced and put away to avoid exposure that HE was the murderer that returned to collect the jewels. Thus, the term gas-lighting originated!

The Narcissist LOVES to use gas-lighting to make their target/victim believe and seem to be crazy or insane. They may deny things they have said and done and accuse you of the same to make you believe that you are forgetful, or delusional. They may hide things like your car keys, your phone, etc., and tell you how forgetful you are. They will also twist a grain of truth about most any personal situation and turn it inside out or into a huge distortion until you seriously doubt your own sanity and look like the crazy person when you try to defend yourself. For instance, they will accuse you of drinking too much when you possibly have a glass of wine with dinner, but they exaggerate and embellish the situation as if you NEED that wine or forget that you had 3 or 4 glasses when there is no truth to their exaggerations. Along the same lines, if you do not get along with someone, the Narcissist will say, “I get along with him/her just fine.” The Narcissist will have nothing but praise for that person. Likewise, if you have gotten bad service at a restaurant, the Narcissist will say, “They gave me excellent service.” The Narcissist praises the other or responds with the opposite because it first diminishes YOU as well as reflects badly on you and well on them. Lastly, they will say that other friends or people have CONCERNS about you and have commented on various occasions as well. NONE of which is true.

With “gas-lighting”, the Narcissist will emphatically call into question the MIND of their target/victim by manipulating the memory, thoughts, and ideas of the target/victim. The Narcissist will now employ whatever method necessary to control these thoughts in a manner to CONSISTENTLY confound, confuse and debase the target/victim, to cover lies, affairs or accountability, or make them think they are experiencing memory loss, or have mental issues that are of great concern to the target/victim’s well-being. The Narcissist will even “recycle” these old issues over and over again to further use at a later date to reinforce the target/victim’s ineptness as a “countering” point AND drive it home even DEEPER in a continued effort to damage the target/victim’s psyche. This technique is extremely destructive to the victim because it diminishes their spirit and distorts their normal functioning — and exactly what their abuser wants – control. No/minimal contact to end this cycle of abuse and to return to a healthy lifestyle. Greg

Narcissistic ‘HIT & RUN’ shock tactics that they use to confound, confuse, and traumatize. H

Narcissistic ‘HIT & RUN’ shock tactics that they use to confound, confuse, and traumatize. How many times have you found yourself shaking your head in complete amazement AND confusion at what the Narcissist has just said to you? How many times have you been so shocked with things they have said that are the direct opposite of what you know they have said, or maybe what YOU have said, or something that is an outright LIE? How many times have you tried to rationalize through their constant maze of chaos? How many times you seen bright red flags that gave you that sense that something is terribly wrong with this person? Let’s RESOLVE this with truth and clarity and purge it out of our hearts and heads – there is something wrong with this person.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

In a normal relationship there is understanding and compromise and NEVER constant confusion and chaos over everything and anything that comes out of the other person’s mouth. However, with abusive and high-conflict individuals (Narcissists) there is no truth, reality, compromise or understanding which equates to absolutely NO EMPATHY, care, or truth on their part as long as it serves them. With a Narcissist there is merely a pattern of distortion and manipulation of facts/reality with a delusionary design or spin. What that interprets into for their target/victim is emotional and psychological terrorism and abuse. THIS WAS NEVER about you or anything YOU did – this is about the pathological person/Narcissist standing in front of you. They are like poison to all people!

Remember – this is all tactical on their part, so they KNOW what they are doing! The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication and the truth to divert reality and cause chaos, so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is at the moment and it is everchanging! They live by NO standards but have many interchangeable ones that they make up as they go based on a particular agenda. Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically, we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask, so beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live, and we SUPPORT.

How does a simple question, a simple comment or ANYTHING turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are, and they HAVE to protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner, and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade.

This is all done in a manner to control the target/victim and keep them in a constant state of complete ambiguity and REALITY QUESTIONING, “is it me or is it them”. The target/victim is always questioning reality – where there is NO reality as it concerns a Narcissist. It is all part of the Narcissist’s agenda and a well thought out plan for them to keep their target/victim controlled by confusing, diverting/deranging reality, dehumanizing and basically psychologically manipulating the target/victim to keep them in a constant state of despair. This is us dancing with the Narcissist – and they provide the music as well as the dance steps and the choreography. Again, the most important aspect in all of this is the manner in which the Narcissist controls a target/victim starting this whole process with positive manipulation or “love bombing” to first gain our trust to destroy it and us later – after they have extorted everything they could from us.

Ambiguity, lies, and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing reality, but the Narcissist also does this with an agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives, then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity!

Many ask hat was it that made us so very vulnerable to their abuse? HERE IS THE ANSWER; it was that shrewd con job and pathological lies that they created for each of us personally that I outlined above. It doesn’t require a classification of person you are or anything else to justify the abuse – THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE so don’t blame yourself – grow with boundaries so it never happens again. It is while you are feeling these things like being weak, fragile and confused that you will call upon an inner strength you never knew you had AND you will recover from this insidious abuse. Just NEVER allow the Narcissist or your abuser to return because they will only twist the knife in your back as often as you allow them to – mine did and it was more hideous each time I allowed it. BUT then the anger and repulsion I felt from realizing the truth enabled me to discard and abandon the monster that played with my life FOREVER. NO CONTACT = YOUR FREEDOM! Greg

Minimal Contact – A little field guide to help you through the insidious process and BREAK FREE from their PRISON of ABUSE when you HAVE to be in contact with them!

Minimal Contact – A little field guide to help you through the insidious process and BREAK FREE from their PRISON of ABUSE when you HAVE to be in contact with them!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

 A Narcissist wants you to react to their hurtful behaviors, so they can feel righteous, indignant, powerful, in control – AND even hurt and justified when they need to blame and dump their shame onto us – just all part of their delusion and ABUSE. If you don’t react, that upsets them, too. Remember, ultimately, there is no winning with them AT ALL while you stay engaged with them in a relationship OF ANY SORT. You CAN win by not giving a Narcissist the reaction he/she wants, disengaging, and if you can do it (AND YOU SHOULD) ending the relationship and recovering your soul, self-esteem, and life. Maintaining any level of hyper-vigilance and behavioral maintenance with a toxic Narcissist is emotionally, physically, and psychologically exhausting and DESTRUCTIVE. So here is how to dis-engage, move on, recover, be free, enjoy your life, and LOVE somebody that is real.

 So, let’s start by using one of the Narcissist’s tools – and that is DEVALUING. It is our turn to devalue the Narcissist and hold them accountable for EVERYTHING they have done – and our devaluation isn’t done in a manner to abuse as a Narcissist does to their targets/victims – it is exposing the truth about what they did and what they are. Accountability has to go back to DAY ONE – and what a great deal to accomplish since their abuse spans the entire relationship from the first day they sized us up for abuse – but it is the truth and the reality WE MUST ACCEPT. A little caution by holding them accountable you may get some major strikes from the Narcissist raging, yelling, hideous insults, accusations, etc., things you are probably already familiar with! The Narcissist won’t admit you’re right, nor accept responsibility for their abusive behaviors, lies, and distortions. You also won’t get the validation, vindication, or closure you long for, BUT it puts the truth foremost and that truth will build a great wall that will stand between you and the Narcissist. That wall empowers you and protects you from the Narcissist trying to pull you back into more abuse. The truth WILL light your way to recovery and freedom!

 Don’t start a huge argument with them ever – like an all-out yelling match. Don’t get in the Narcissist’s face the way he/she gets or got in yours. Calmly and clearly bring it all back to the facts and turn it back onto them. Commit to phrases like these and even memorize them: “That’s not true.” “I won’t admit that’s true no matter how angry you get.” “That’s not how I remember it. Here is what really happened.” The Narcissist will probably continue to talk or shout over you, change their story as they continue yapping their psychopathy at you AND in your face. The Narcissist will deny things ever happened and/or call you a liar, but that still doesn’t change the facts of their behaviors and events. IT IS THE TRUTH – and that is like putting a mirror in front of a vampire and revealing that THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REFLECTION OF A REAL IMAGE. That is what happens when the truth is exposed – we realize that their image was fake, a big lie, and all part of a plan to extort and harm us with their well-rehearsed cycle of abuse. DISENGAGE and set yourself free – you are not a prisoner!

 If you can’t achieve no-contact, because of children or whatever reason prevents you from getting there, remember this – CHOOSE your battles. You can’t respond to everything the Narcissist says, does or demands. You just can’t because that is and always has been part of their game plan – and now you get it finally, so disengage from it – PLUS there aren’t enough hours in the day to listen to the Narcissist’s crazy making and chaos. Figure out your bottom line as it concerns necessary contact with them. Make concessions on small issues to allow the Narcissist to feel like their “winning” and stick to your guns on the big issues. This will help to preserve your sanity. Embrace – better yet grasp onto your OWN reality and hold on to it for dear life because that Narcissist is trying to drag you back into their darkness.

 Contain any and all emotions. Whatever you do, DON’T ask a Narcissist to explain their feelings because they HAVE NONE – all you will get is more lies, manipulations, more betrayal and whatever else they can pull out of their bag of tricks to reel you back into abuse. DON’T express your emotions EVER, because it will become a trap. If you tell that shrewd Narcissist what you’re thinking and feeling, it will be held and used against you in the future. Remember they will want to accuse you of many negative things when they start realizing you mean business and are moving on – don’t give them any more fuel to use against you OR for their “smear campaign.”

Narcissists can’t handle their own intense emotions much less the emotions of others. That’s why they are human PROJECTION machines – or this phrase that I have heard used by other authors – Narcissist’s react with a vile assault of “emotional projectile vomiting.” It is all of those familiar feelings like anxiety, fear, self-doubt, worthlessness, self-loathing, anger, etc. – that we have all experienced many times. You become the receptacle for their emotional projectile vomiting with one of their rages that attacks your spirt and self-esteem, little by little. After they deposit the contents of their highly disturbed psyche onto you (that is the clinical projection thing) then they feel better because you’re now carrying THEIR toxicity for them.

 So, when the Narcissist starts projecting, again, don’t ever discuss their feelings—because that’s a bottomless pit—and don’t tell the Narcissist how bad he/she is making you feel because like a shark smelling blood from their prey, it will then compel the shark AND THE NARCISSIST to attack you again (that’s in addition to their initial attack). Keep everything as generic as possible.

 The long and short of it is that you must DETACH FROM THE OUTCOME. You can’t control the Narcissist. You can’t make them change. All you can do is make choices for yourself, decide how much you can tolerate, set boundaries, and decide when enough is enough and end the relationship. You cannot be their prisoner because it is NOT a viable or workable situation; it is smothering, manipulative, controlling, disabling, dehumanizing and destructive.

 LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS or completely shut them off with your Narcissist. Expecting anything real or positive from a Narcissist will only lead you to feel worthless, blamed, shamed, broadsided, perpetually disappointed, and hurt. Run away and never look back.

 For all their crocodile tears and hyper-sensitivity, Narcissists are emotional predators and bullies. If you stay in a relationship with a Narcissist the best, you can expect is more of the same. You may achieve some periods of peace, but at what cost – total denial of the truth and ABUSE. There is nothing there for you, not even a real person.

 LASTLY – if your ex-Narcissist seems to be happily hooked up with someone else already, let it go! Perhaps there is something else going on entirely different than what meets the eye, and there usually is. It is easy to assume this if the Narcissist has someone in their life and you may be or are alone. You assume that the Narcissist has “moved on” and is happy after blaming and shaming you to death. But a Narcissist is a parasite, and it is simply their nature to feed on the soul and energy of another. Do you think parasites love that which they feed upon? It is a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist feeds on his/her partner and the Narcissist returns an empty illusion of love and security. But when the target/victim is all used up the Narcissist discards them and the illusion crumbles. Suddenly the target/victim, realizes there is/was no real love and certainly no security. The Narcissist is now off creating that same symbiotic relationship with another unsuspecting target because it is the Narcissist’s nature to feed upon the energy (and everything else) of others.

 Unfortunately, we have romanticized the whole thing and believed our relationship was real, but the Narcissist is an illusionary, lying, manipulative, disordered and toxic creature and nothing is real except that they extort their targets/victims’ lives. The Narcissist’s new relationship is NOT REAL even in the smallest way, so remove that thought completely from your head. The Narcissist like a thief has successfully broken into the head/psyche of another target/victim and like a thief wearing gloves to protect themselves from leaving fingerprints the Narcissist is ransacking and grabbing everything he/she can from the unsuspecting target’s psyche and life. But what also lies in between is all of the abuse, mind games, betrayal, manipulation, cheating, brainwashing and basically hate and disrespect for human dignity and human life. There is no life with a Narcissist, there is no negotiating with a Narcissist, and there is NO ASSOCIATION with a Narcissist – IT IS LIKE BEING A PRISONER. There is only pain/ destruction and loss at the hands of a psychological terrorist and thief.

 What will become powerful and long-lasting is the desire and implementation of no contact and your total FREEDOM from the abusive prison. There is such a repulsion and indignity you will feel because now you know the truth of someone abusing you in a manner to make you believe that they are/were acting out of love and a commitment to you and possibly even a family you created together. It is grotesque to say the least to KNOW their con and big lie. Finally, you are beginning to see the soulless and predatory creature that would damage your life or anybody’s life (even their own biological children) in an effort to fulfill all of their needs in the perverse and out-of-control manner that they live. If you remain resolved and steadfast in your “no contact” the temptation to listen and believe the narcissist definitely lessens and diminishes in time. THEN in its place grows a new way of processing the abuse and your past with the Narcissist that will no longer allow this disordered and misshapen freak to dictate the terms of your inner and outer life. And the reason you now can use that word, “allow”, is because now you have a real choice in a way you never had when your mind and emotions were held HOSTAGE while being expertly and methodically psychologically terrorized – or ABUSED if you will. Greg  

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