What do you do when a narcissist is on a verbal attack — disengage, disengage, disengage because they WANT you to react.

Image may contain: text that says 'FACT- -NARCISSISTS ABSOLUTELY THRIVE ON CONFLICT The routine nature of everyday life has no interest in their world -in fact it bores them because there is nothing in it for them. So they will bait you into their chaos as well as conflict The Narcissist knows how to push your buttons to get you to engage in his/her sick games. DO NOT ENGAGE! From my Book Greg Zaffuto- Author- From Charm to Harm Everything else in between with a Narcissist imgflip.'

What do you do when a narcissist is on a verbal attack — disengage, disengage, disengage because they WANT you to react. We can’t engage with their chaos and conflict because they are aimed directly at diminishing us and managing us down to SUPPORT their agenda! Narcissists are masters of spin and diversionary tactics to drive their “conflicted reality” home through brute verbal force, emotional dismissiveness, psychological games, and delusional reasoning. If you’re involved with a Narcissist, you know these communication strategies firsthand.


From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

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https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468750462&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm


When you present facts that contradict their beliefs, they bamboozle you by using off-topic tangents, changing the subject or creating a new accusation AGAINST YOU or creating CONFLICT! It is NEVER about FACTS – but instead distorting FACTS to support their agenda. While you’re still defending your original point and its validity, the Narcissist blows you off (because you’re making sense/telling the truth) and distracts you by jumping to another topic that’s completely out in left field. and then they somehow condemn YOU with some off tangent nonsense. They are always judge, jury, and executioner.
Narcissists have absolutely no capacity for context or truth. Either you see things their way or you must be crushed into the ground – and believe me they think nothing of how they will crush a person into the ground. You can’t respectfully agree to disagree with them. Any criticism or difference of opinion is a challenge to their “authority, power, and control” and is seen as a threat and will be treated as such and you will be devalued, demeaned, debased, dehumanized and destroyed – it is just that serious to them. BUT serious to them is not in any normal context – it is complete denial and avoidance all bundled up in all of these tactics to be in control and exert power over us. Remember we are only an object to serve them so we must revere them as well OR ELSE!
The Narcissist employs loud and deliberate RAGING as another tactic when all else fails. The more wrong an emotionally and abusive Narcissist is the louder and/or more resolute they get with their attack. Their level of fake outrage, vindictiveness or emotional withdrawal is in direct proportion to how accurate you are. They will either talk over you, or shout at you, repeating the same simplistic, emotionally-charged statements over and over until they drown out all reason, you pass out from the exhaustion of it all, or they give you the silent treatment until you submit and apologize for your “offense.” BUT THEY COMMITTED THE OFFENSE and they are very adept at diverting from the truth with their pathological bullying so we better retreat and learn our lessons. My Narcissist employed this tactic every time they would find some anonymous sexual partner that I would find out about. First the incredulous story that I would shake my head at in total disbelief, then the extreme rage attack because I just didn’t believe this Narcissist, and then my morals were attacked if I was the guilty party.
LASTLY, lets remember that Narcissists are also very adept at shifting blame to all others for everything that is wrong and never consider how they contribute to and cause the issues as well as their own unhappiness. They just shift responsibility to make you seem bad and crazy in an effort to shame you into submission. They will punish you for their own offenses as well – that is what we are “employed for” by the Narcissist because THEY need to project onto us. We are here to serve them, save them, take care of their every need, change their diapers, accept all of their faults as if they are our own, allow them to betray us and accept it as well as be blamed for it, we must allow them to extort everything they can from us, and we are not allowed to view any of this as anything but a privilege to be in their company – AND they never give anything in return. If we follow all of these rules we are allowed to be their friend, their beloved family, or love them but we must also pay the price for this wonderful relationship by being stripped of our individuality, integrity, self-esteem and driven to insanity from their delusional abuse.
At heart, a Narcissist is a terroristic bully who will try to steamroll anyone who disagrees with them or when they DON’T get their way. It’s not just about controlling THEIR reality, but controlling everyone else’s reality, too. When you allow a Narcissist to determine reality, it would be like letting one of the inmates control/run the asylum. There is only ONE way with a Narcissist and that is discarding them from our life with no/minimal contact. Greg

THIS was a desperate relationship/love that traumatized YOU and your life! Moving on with more of the truth!

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THIS was a desperate relationship/ love that traumatized YOU and your life! Moving on with more of the truth!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

With emotional and psychological battering/abuse victims are entrapped by extreme manipulative and psychological persuasion over a lengthy period of time. What was the nature of our perpetrator when we met them? Did they have us at gunpoint forcing us into this psychological terrorism or did they offer us something so very familiar, normal, trustworthy and welcoming called LOVE? Yes, they manipulated us with something familiar and so believable that ANY person would fall for the fake charm and love bombing – if that doesn’t define a predator I don’t know what does! I have met very many wonderful friends from all over the world since I started writing about this abuse that I interact with daily. They are some of the strongest people I have ever encountered. There isn’t anything about them that shouts out to me that they allowed their abuse! They are full of love, empathy and high functioning individuals! Abuse is not your fault it is situational!

Well let’s go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let’s define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced and unhealthy and basically not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or they are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us – the label doesn’t matter BUT the truth and education DOES. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims. The key words that describes the whole cycle of abuse is love-bombing, devaluation, discard and I always add DESTROY! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled and that is what we have to fix – not the relationship, justify it or the Narcissist – recovery is about us!

The journey to recovery is now a process because we were unconsciously living and dealing with all the destructive messages we internalized and validated as our reality. We must seek out education about this abuse and the truth about our situation as a key to unlock the door to our recovery. Yes those messages are going to be in our head for a good while BUT we have to create a healthy balance and desensitize them. What this means is that we have to move into a place where it is possible for us to recognize that a person HAS betrayed us in a manner to control us through mental abuse. We have to think about it in terms to validate the truth of the situation, but not to try to dissect the Narcissist and put our energy into trying to get into their heads. We spent a great deal of time trying to fix or basically heal them and we gave away too much of ourselves. Turn this around and accept the truth that they are completely disordered and put that healing power back into yourself.

The recovery process is so multi-dimensional that it means that there are really no simple answers to the question “how do I stop the pain and what do I do to move forward with my recovery?” There are answers that we need to have in the beginning of our recovery but they are basically concerning the educational process and a tried and true direction so we are ‘in the know’ about this disorder and can get our ‘ah ha’ moment and move forward.

The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure – UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation. They ran off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. That would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along.

Seriously I had to shut my Narcissist down with complete no-contact or go insane listening to the craziness! It was crystal clear what I was dealing with and I shut it down completely. I would still be receiving emails and text messages to this day if I didn’t. It was like a party to this Narcissist being able to have free range ‘raging’ at me, making fun of me, telling me sick and perverted stories of their crazy sex life, and projecting every horrendous thing this Narcissist did ‘onto and into’ me. That was enough for me to actualize just how dysfunctional this person was/is. Seeing and hearing them when their mask is off is frightening and eye opening. It was like projectile lies and ‘crazy making’ being shot at me from everywhere.

It is important for all of us to be validated as it concerns this abuse but that validation has to come from ourselves because a Narcissist is NEVER going to allow themselves to be exposed as an abuser. In fact that Narcissist is STILL abusing AFTER THE FACT through a vicious smear campaign using every piece of personal information they have learned about you against you. This is just more of their devaluation and when they abandon you they mean to leave no trace of your reality in tact!

The Narcissist has manipulated and managed us down to the point of not trusting OUR own feelings and perceptions. Over the years, we internalized this twisted and distorted relationship and bent our own emotions in an effort to fix the relationship we THOUGHT we had. We can’t buy into those distortions and recover. That process is still running through our heads even though they have physically parted from our lives and we MUST shut this down. It was a horrendous roller coaster ride to keep us in a state of confusion and fear with so many ups and downs with no end to the ride and now it is time to jump off. YES, we believed it was love, but it was a desperate love that cost us a great deal – the truth is right there in those words!

As hard as it may seem for us to purge all of the abuse out of us, it CAN be done. We were normal and psychologically sound people pre-Narcissist and we can get back to what and who we once were. It does require deep introspection and setting up new and strong boundaries in our life and even taking a look at our part in any of this. There are many theories out there and they all have their purpose, but it has to begin with us. Get healthy first by breaking completely away from the emotional tie or that bond that only you formed with the lie from the Narcissist. This can be done with minimal contact as well (when there are divorce proceedings or biological children) – BUT everything that ties you to a Narcissist has to be BUSINESS only because they abuse and want to always have that control over you to drag you back in – DON’T let them.

You HAVE the ability to change if you deprogram the messages that have been imprinted on your mind but only if you ALLOW yourself to be your OWN motivator in this process. Just say ‘NO’ to the Narcissist. Remember the old drug campaign that showed an egg as describing your ‘healthy’ brain, and then it showed that same egg in a frying pan stating this is your brain on drugs (the fried egg.) Well just switch that around to the fired egg being your brain after being with a Narcissist. Please understand no/minimal contact and start of your road to recovery, it is imperative to moving on! Greg

We need to understand the dynamics behind this abuse! This describes just how the Narcissist maligns or manages down all people with subtle to complex emotional and psychological manipulation and gaslighting – especially when you do not agree with them.

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We need to understand the dynamics behind this abuse! This describes just how the Narcissist maligns or manages down all people with subtle to complex emotional and psychological manipulation and gaslighting – especially when you do not agree with them. Nobody could EVER find any common ground with them because there is never consistency or stability in any of their thoughts, actions, or words and that is because there is NOT a real functioning person there. It is always and ONLY about their agenda or what they want — so they will always create a conflict UNLESS they are charming you because again they WANT something. They do this so they can manage us down to a level lower than the last, until they have us in a place where we feel that we can’t do anything right and are worthless.


From my book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

No photo description available.


https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468750462&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm


The Narcissist has successfully developed strong and shrewd communication skills that basically invalidate and manipulate our own perceptions about ourselves and distort all logic and reasoning rendering OUR connection and communication with them useless. All interpersonal communication becomes twisted, and an opportunity to make us feel invalidated, wrong and basically worthless. This within itself is often overlooked (the subtle abuse) but it is as dangerous as any of their other tools in the arsenal of Narcissistic abuse!
Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there.
Attacking your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your “buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.”.
The Narcissist can and will even go so far as always threatening “your security” with them which could include ending the relationship if you do not conform, dating other people, affairs, silencing or use other controlling terrorist/fear tactics.
They are very unpredictable with their day to day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable/normal person.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion (gaslighting) OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (again chaos and gas-lighting!).
This behavior is damaging and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused and controlled waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO act so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is control to keep you constantly disabled.
They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain CONTROL over you. Be it making fun of us, belittling us, criticizing us, name calling, screaming at us, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making us the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you. They have to have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.
Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above) – somewhere you are LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.
Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!
The Narcissist has used their effective manipulative and cognitive skills by putting you on the defensive and reacting (this is what they want), and using/distorting your personal conversation and thoughts against you to triangulate. Relationships are not supposed to do that. A conversation like this as it concerns support in any relationship isn’t a court of law where one person is the judge, jury and prison guard AND town gossip. A successful relationship requires healthy communication skills. Healthy communication skills require sane and healthy cognitive thinking from both parties. There is nothing healthy or sane about a disordered and abusive Narcissist.
In any type of relationship when communication and thoughts are not nurtured in a process to validate another person, all areas of the relationship are affected. Communication is the open door that allows two people to exchange cognitive and personal thoughts, to enable growth. We are independent beings that have purpose and we exchange our thoughts normally by accepting our relative differences. The Narcissist manipulates in such a way to cause false interpretations of all of our cognitive processes to distort reality and make them fail and become disabled. When we are manipulated in this manner it affects those important skills that we use on a daily basis. It is like we lose our motivation to be effective with simple matters in our personal life or even block our ability to concentrate and learn because we were manipulated in a manner to constantly question ourselves from someone we BELIEVED we could trust and more than likely someone we loved. This is betrayal in the most extreme manner and describes just how sick a Narcissist is to use our love to create and administer their hate and destruction – AND WHY? Our mind is linked to so many internal processes, and when it is psychologically wounded, other areas will also be affected just like a disease that will spread unless treated – even causing physical damage. It can take its toll and cause long term problems linked to trauma.
THIS is how they control their targets. It is so important for us to have clarity that this is situational abuse and psychological/emotional terrorism so we can desensitize the toxic messages they have planted in our minds and heart. Beat them to the punch by shutting them down before they can use their manipulative ‘wordplay’ against you. No/minimal contact. Greg

UNDERSTANDING how the Narcissist GROOMS their minions and flying monkeys! Supply is NEVER just us – the Narcissist needs MANY different sources of supply to shore up their façade and world of lies and you can believe that they keep all of them separated from each other!

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UNDERSTANDING how the Narcissist GROOMS their minions and flying monkeys! Supply is NEVER just us – the Narcissist needs MANY different sources of supply to shore up their façade and world of lies and you can believe that they keep all of them separated from each other! Minions or flying monkeys or the Narcissist’s pawns! What is behind these Narcissistic warriors that will feign over and protect the Narcissist from exposure? The Narcissist NEEDS this COMPLETE network to survive as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them closely.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

DEFINITION: Minions and flying monkeys, the Narcissist’s ‘go to’ people when they need back up because they are about to be exposed! The Narcissist trains their minions to use as tools to fight alongside them with their ‘smear campaign’ to take another person’s integrity down that has caught on to their HUGE scam!

It is just a fact that a Narcissist that has any role in your personal life is incapable of having a normal conversation yet alone a discussion with anyone who challenges or disagrees with their ideas so we all have an expiration date. You can’t have ANY conversation with a Narcissist without it SOMEHOW damaging their delicate ego! It doesn’t matter if a conversation is presented in a calm manner discussing any and all aspects of an issue as being beneficial to something meaningful or a larger picture. The Narcissist is a psycho bully that disallows individualism or independent thinking and always needs to be in control of their environment or else they will destroy anyone that is in contention with them. Remember their world is all about them being PERFECT and in charge! It is also impossible to have an intellectual discussion with them in which ANY differing ideas are discussed in a back and forth manner. Their conversations are ALWAYS embellished with manipulative overtones to confuse, confound, disengage, accuse, trick, gain information, pass on information, etc., but it is ALWAYS part of their grand agenda to create and support their false identity. Seriously if we could tape a Narcissist’s mouth shut to prevent them from talking, this world would be a much safer and peaceful place to live in and I am not saying that to be funny – it is the real truth as it concerns these toxic bullies because they are destructive to GOOD people.

The Narcissist always defaults to their self-regulating and controlling mechanics that always involves pulling or seducing people into their lair and extracting information from them AND in turn using this information for whatever GAIN they desire or to USE against them! Be it the love bombing to harvest their main sources of supply, or people they use to prop up their hideous façade of saintliness. If that entails being charming, exciting, seducing, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it – just technique for the Narcissist! My point is that their manipulation is not only confined to a single person as in a relationship, but instead it is a complex network that includes their primary and secondary supply sources as well as their supportive adoring friends, family members, co-workers, etc., all of which are basically seduced into their roles.

THERE IS NOTHING OR ANYBODY THAT IS REAL IN THE NARCISSIST’S LIFE – everybody serves a purpose! The Narcissist NEEDS this COMPLETE network to survive as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them closely. They need a network of people to support their ‘needy needs’ and we are ALL basically some form of supply, so this is a full-time job for them to control the world around them. BUT the key element is that they are always on the defensive and everybody is essentially an enemy or someone to use for support because their world is full of lies and holes as it concerns the reality they PRESENT to us! In reality, they are bad salesmen/woman that are selling a faulty product and know it. They are quite used to getting busted so they always have a plan so they can squirm out of whatever toxic thing they have done! The main point here is that underneath that CHARM is that HARM – and what that means is that they are purely toxic people that extort life and destroy lives period.

So, what is the Narcissist’s thought process behind this backstabbing and smear campaign? They exploit the listeners’ emotions and sentiments. They use them to justify their suppressed hate, fears or desires or what we call projection. They make up a story plausible enough that listeners cannot verify the exact allegations, BUT the accusations they make are powerful and damaging, and they are meant to harm! It is a strong-arm defense to silence and using these minions to fight their battle!

In reality Narcissists are very easily wounded because they lack any and all internal mechanisms that would enable them to have balance in their world. So, a smear campaign is an attempt to malign someone’s character that is a threat to them. They will attack the target’s credibility and reputation based on lies, half-truths and malicious rumors. Narcissists distort situations with twisted conclusions, perceiving themselves as eternal victims to seduce listeners in with ‘woe-be-me stories to divide and conquer AND they are highly persuasive. So persuasive in fact that they convince both themselves and others that their ‘woe be me’ stories, horrendous lies, backstabbing, and ‘smear campaign is true. It is all control.

In turn people ignore their very own conscience and intuition if the rumor is sufficiently shocking enough and it is going to be with a Narcissist. The smear campaign is such an offensive tactic that the Narcissist uses to malign, discredit, and reduce targets/victims to inferior damaged beings and stripping them of power by destroying their character to the people around them. This tactic also divides and conquers by pitting people against a supposed ‘foe’ that the Narcissist singles out. Targets are stuck between a rock and a hard place, right where the Narcissist wants them to be, damned if they defend themselves and damned if they don’t BUT basically isolated and defenseless.

This process is never accomplished solely by the Narcissist, though because the smear campaign requires a mob of minions or flying monkeys to carry and spread the distorted and destructive messages to finish the job that the Narcissist started. The Narcissist has their entourage of minions that they have charmed into believing that the Narcissist is a saint. The Narcissist can just sit back now and enjoy the lateral damage and show while the minions commit the atrocity that basically destroys the target/victim’s integrity. It is an insane attack that completely dehumanizes a good person for no earthly reason other than the Narcissist carrying out their abusive agenda so they can move on unscathed and unexposed. Remember that these minions or supporters are NO better than the abusive Narcissist to believe their lies yet alone act out in support of the Narcissists smear campaign.

Remember that a Narcissist is toxic to ALL people which includes where they work, any organization they belong to, or basically anywhere there are other people because they are everywhere. Often times the Narcissist may seem fully functional because they are employed and may be high up in the chain of command at their place of employment or just a worker bee. BUT they always maintain control of every environment they are in. Again, they are extremely manipulating and toxic psycho bullies that will immediately start their sneak attacks, by complaining to a boss or superior about other employees, triangulate, search for weaknesses in others to take advantage of, and basically create chaos to divide and conquer. They are very adept at their backstabbing by making everything seem more like a concern instead of a huge distorted lie and backstabbing to damage another person so they seem to always come up smelling like a rose. AGAIN – everything and everybody is a threat to a Narcissist!

AGAIN, this is not confined to where they work, but it includes any organization that they are a part of, their place of worship, clubs they belong to, charity organizations, events, and even THEIR family unit or basically anyplace where their presence is apparent. They are very adept at ALL of their abusive tactics as we all personally know. They can somehow twist personal or private information they know about anybody, and subtly say just enough to make it real to their listener and seem like they are ‘in the know’ about something that damages the target/victim. Basically, they use familiarity from knowing us and turn it against us. That familiarity is what brings credence to their twisted story and lies so nobody is ever the wiser to their sneaky tactics. You will NEVER see the person they are destroying present in any conversation to have an opportunity to speak out about the accusations against them, NO with a Narcissist it is always the cowardly approach to silently talk behind EVERYBODIES back, or back-stabbing! They will also triangulate by making YOU believe that somebody is doing the same to you – again part of the ‘divide and conquer’ technique they utilize.

A Narcissistic boss will gossip behind the scenes and try to rally others against the person who dared to offer a different opinion and the boss will make it seem like a concerned comradery rather than undermining somebody’s integrity. Likewise, a Narcissist in a love relationship will also talk behind their partner’s back to other family members with the same shrewd tactics to belittle, cause trouble and whatever other damage they can. AGAIN, they will use whatever familiarity they have through knowing you as an open door to be ‘in the know’ about personal and private situations you have shared with them in confidence to make a connection with people you know that will poison YOUR relationship with these people! That old saying that familiarity breeds contempt is so true in a Narcissist’s world!

So with the Narcissist it basically amounts to either literally charming the pants off of somebody, pulling somebody in as supply, backstabbing, triangulation or something that is always deceptive and devious on the Narcissist’s part to build up their minions and support. There is never a genuine conversation with them, everything must serve them somehow. Basically, as they are talking to you they are also gathering whatever information they can concerning you, something about you, or someone that you are innocently talking about with them. Nothing is sacred with them and you can bet that they will use that information and even distort it if it serves them in some way and throw you under the train in doing so – when nobody is looking of course! They are calculating and toxic and again we never realize this until they run off like the cowards they are and the damage they leave behind has devastated your integrity to say the least.

So back to basics! What is the one thing a Narcissist does not want other people to know? The truth about them. More specifically, Narcissists do not want the truth that they are insecure, malicious, and devious people with a toxic and abusive agenda. Beyond being embarrassed by the truth of their behaviors and thoughts, they have a deathly fear of being exposed and REJECTED for who and what they really are. This is in large part because they always use lies, manipulations, and distortions to control other people and get what they want. If people were to know about their true nature, they would want nothing to do with the Narcissist. The Narcissist is very aware of this and that is why they HAVE to build up their defenses as well as lie. Remember a Narcissist LIES to cover up their negative and abusive ways so they are cognizant or know that they have done something wrong, harmful, or destructive to the person they are targeting to avoid exposure. Let’s just say they are always prepared for the inevitable. Similarly, with the bigger picture in mind their whole grand façade is just part of their defensive pretense that they MUST protect.

So, these minions and co-conspirators are only extension of the Narcissist AND the Narcissist’s abusive methodology. A Narcissist uses every opportunity to feign attention to themselves as well as secure their little toxic playmates to be there right alongside of them when they decide to wage their battles. Their world is so distorted and toxic. They live in pure denial of their sickness. They mean to hurt and destroy people, family, organizations or essentially anything that they participate in. Backstabbing, smearing, triangulation and lying are their tools to create chaos and to damage and silence people. All of this of course falls under ‘no/minimal contact’ because the only way to shut this monster out is to completely remove yourself from any attachment, especially your emotional ties with them. Yes, we loved a monster! The Narcissist’s smear campaign is their way of hatefully acknowledging OUR denying them their fake reality. The only viable solution is moving on and away from them with no/minimal contact! Greg

Image may contain: text that says 'The Effects of Gaslighting over Time on a Victim of Abuse: Confusion, self-doubt, brain fog, disorientation, paranoia, terror, FEAR, feeling like YOU are losing your mind, difficulty making simple decisions or judgements, seconding guessing yourself and your memory, feeling you are not good enough or even worthless, hypersensitive, on edge and even overly reactive to simple situations, fatigued, unmotivated, AND psychological and physical damage. From my Book: Greg Zaffuto Author From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist'

YOU are OK (never doubt this) – the many symptoms of dread, defeat, anxiousness, etc., that you experience in a relationship with a Narcissist are purposely inflicted upon YOU. So important to understand that this abuse STARTS from the very first day you encounter a Narcissist. The devaluation has NOTHING to do with YOU and everything to do with how they will always devalue EVERY person they meet. We must also understand that we are there for a reason and conned/trapped into their agenda – and that is as a source of supply. Along with that are the MANY tools that are associated with the abuse like gaslighting that can and will harm a person emotionally and psychologically. There is never a REAL issue with a solution with a Narcissist – it is always and only the creation and continuance of the issue to maintain the chaos and control! A little education on the subtle, slow effective day to day gas-lighting tactics of a Narcissist that disables our LOGIC, spirit and self-esteem. Narcissists are gatherers of information that they will distort it in every possible way to DAMAGE and destroy their targets/victims confidence and self-esteem or basically erasing their victim’s personality!


From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

No photo description available.


https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468750462&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm


The Narcissist has successfully developed deceptive and shrewd communication skills/actions that basically invalidate and manipulate our own perceptions about ourselves and distort all logic and reasoning – this is called gas-lighting and it renders OUR communication with them useless because they are looking for that reaction from us to further diminish us. All interpersonal communication becomes twisted, and an opportunity to make us feel invalidated, wrong and basically worthless. This within itself is often overlooked (the subtle abuse) but it is as dangerous as any of their other tools in the arsenal of Narcissistic abuse! DON’T ENGAGE with them!
Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there.
They attack your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to “push your buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.”
Basically they weaponize words as well as use the familiarity they gained from CHARMING us into trusting them to seek out our weaknesses. Very tricky creatures — using their well placed words to gain our hearts and trust first and then they sneak into our heads afterwards to seek out our secrets, fears, and insecurities and weaponize those to use against us.
They are very unpredictable with their day to day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable/normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos and gas-lighting!).
This behavior is damaging and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you – that is the plan!. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused and controlled waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO act so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is control to keep you constantly disabled.
They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain CONTROL over you. Be it making fun of us, belittling us, criticizing us, name calling, screaming at us, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making us the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you. They must have control over all people to basically hide the truth of WHO THEY ARE – and will resort to whatever works tp maintain that control over their targets/victims. There is never an issue with a solution – it is always and only the continuance of the issue to maintain the chaos and control!
Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above) – somewhere you are LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.
Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!
A Narcissist doesn’t acknowledge individuality or even like other people (remember we are just objects to use.) Along with this premise the Narcissist doesn’t care about being liked – THEY DEMAND to be admired, feared, and favored, (as well as completely extorting their targets to get supply.) They don’t care about getting along with people, and a Narcissist is no more capable of considering the consequences of their actions than a rock would. There is no consideration for anybody or anything with a Narcissist and nothing is ever about whatever it REALLY is, instead it is always all about their omnipotence, superiority or ego instead or their fake façade. They HAVE to exploit EVERY single interaction with us to gratify THEIR needy ego at your ego’s expense or even DESTRUCTION. There’s no end to it. It’s exasperating and you never get through that brick wall a Narcissist throws up in front of you constantly, so always remember how much time you have tried to break down barriers to “fix” things. Everything would just bounce back to you as more blame and shame from the Narcissist. It was a relationship that was meant to deny you every bit of gratification or any “giving” from the Narcissist and instead “taking” every bit of gratification (supply) they could for their vast needy void.
This abuse is akin to being a prisoner of war with brain-washing, gas-lighting, extreme manipulation of facts, or psychological terrorism. Some of those areas that become affected are; our attention span, our day to day memory, how we process things in our daily life, our long/short term memory, how we see and hear things AND our logic and reasoning abilities. AGAIN, this is basically brain-washing in an effort to slowly but methodically break us down and render us useless as an independent thinking and speaking being – Narcissist do not allow individuality because they are cruel dictators. This is what describes the abuse, and this is what is damaging to the target/victim’s well-being as far as it concerns the psychological abuse that is imposed on you/us. The most striking aspect of this is that it is dealt to us in a slow and insidious manner like being around a slowly leaking and poisonous gas that has no apparent smell so we don’t know the danger we are in because we take it in slowly and when we finally realize, the damage is already done.
The effects of these techniques persist even after the Narcissist has left the relationship. In fact, the influence of their mind control can last for years and it is surprisingly frequent that a narcissist will contact a previous target/victim and the target/victim will happily start up the relationship again, thinking that this time will be different, because the Narcissist has promised this – well they will only step up the game to trick you and drag you back into the abuse! The ONLY way is to go NO/minimal contact by DISCARDING this toxic Narcissist comp0letely from your life – from there you CAN begin healing to get back to a healthy life. Greg

With a Narcissist, you are NEVER an individual with any needs of your own – you are cast as a performer to serve their needs.

Image may contain: text that says 'With a Narcissist, you are NEVER an individual with any needs of your own you are cast as a performer to serve their needs. was a role you were emotionally manipulated and conned in and out of and you were only dehumanized, subjugated and objectified by a personality disordered person each and every time they needed you as supply. Everything else 'in between was just their psychopathy and games that kept you so locked up in confusion and believing! From my Book: Greg Zaffutol Author From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist imgflip.com'

With a Narcissist, you are NEVER an individual with any needs of your own – you are cast as a performer to serve their needs. It was a role you were emotionally manipulated and conned in and out of and you were only dehumanized, subjugated and objectified by a personality disordered person each and every time they needed you as supply. Everything else ‘in between’ was just their psychopathy and games that kept you so locked up in confusion and believing!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

What does a Narcissist do when we demand our individuality or ask to be treated as a person SHOULD be? They manage us down into the smallest pieces they can and act out to control us, silence us, and make us feel small and worthless. They have numerous tools in their arsenal, but the most efficient of all is replacing us with another person when we don’t acquiesce to ALL of their needs – it is just what they do because they cannot bond beyond using us for what we have and what they need so they will just find someone else to replace us. What is the message the Narcissist is sending? It is no big deal to find another person to fill your shoes. This truth is crazy to comprehend, but it depicts the true nature of a relationship with a Narcissist and they just go on with life switching out their partners like buying a new pair of shoes – everyone is an object that takes a turn in the Narcissist’s life.

Think about it in real and practical terms. When we are talking about the ‘real’ relationship with a Narcissist remember this if you will remember anything – the relationship with a Narcissist is NOTHING that concerns romance, unconditional love, bonding, or a healthy relationship that grows with them, we are talking about the subjugation of an object and WE are that object. Yes, Narcissists exploit their partners just as if they were an inanimate object that they will replace or throw out in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, they play a great game of making us believe we are more than that because it is all part of the mechanics they use to pull us into their agenda to become their latest object. That charm or love bombing is the trap they set for every target soon to be victim!

A Narcissist will find a way to put a partner in their ‘designated position’ or better yet a dehumanizing and disabling role that is only meant to consistently numb the victim or keep them in that fog of confusion to basically serve the Narcissist’s sadistic needs. A Narcissist tears down a partner’s equality and worth with many manipulative and devious steps that steal away his/her power AND the Narcissist in turn empowers themselves through this controlling behavior. These are highly insecure and envious creatures at heart that manipulate, betray, lie, cheat, extort and every other disabling thing they can do as well as hide the truth of their disordered nature. What else would you or could you do if you are akin to a fictional dark and empty creature like a vampire but seek out and find victims to suck the life force out of. A Narcissist will always find a way to unleash their toxic waste or sewage on the rest of us. SO never try to grasp at the vision they have a happy, normal, and fulfilling life now or ever. Everyone that gets to know your Narcissist will only become their next target for their fake and psychotic pursuits that define their abuse.

Most if not all targets/victims are generous, trusting, normal, and kind people and basically this is why the Narcissist was attracted to you because your empathy and love was strong and in place for this Narcissist to exploit. It is a fact that Narcissists are sadistic, cruel, and insensitive and their actions toward people are very painful. It is cruel, dehumanizing, and basically criminal what they do to normal, loving and good people AND it is impossible for us to wrap our heads around it all but remember Narcissists aren’t normal by any means and they do not have the empathy that we possess. They are unable to feel, sense or appreciate feelings, compassion or other people’s needs. They do not acknowledge or respect boundaries and they will consistently trample them down, especially when they are discarding you and moving onto their EXT vixtim. When you are wondering or worried about them and not caring for yourself, they are not considering anything as it concerns YOUR well-being or the hurt you are feeling because they just don’t care. A Narcissist is always so absorbed with THEMSELVES and after that horrendous discard you are just the past, but they will wring every last ounce of attention (good or bad) out of you before dumping you especially when they are moving on to their next victim – BUT, and really know this because it is huge – only if you let them!

NEVER fall into the trap of trying to redeem yourself with them because you are only reacting to more of their manipulation because they WANT to confuse you even more to keep you so far away from the truth. You can’t ever fix the past with them, change them, rescue them, save them, or communicate with them. If you do, they will just set you up to manage you down MORE and drag you back for a little or a LOT more of their abuse. A bit of advice from this survivor, and that is find ways to stop yourself from trying to re-connect with your Narcissist. You must stop completely and ignore your Narcissist with the strongest boundaries you can create! Remember, every minute you let them sit in your thoughts YOU lose a little bit more of yourself and you have already given up too much! Do not let them occupy space in your heart and mind once you know the truth about what they are – DISCARD them from your heart and mind forever.

ALL of their repressed feelings from the damage they inflicted on so many people they avoid like the plague and they just don’t deal with it. They don’t want to struggle with blaming themselves because the real truth would make them implode. Yes, they don’t care about what they have done, but remember that is how they are wired or how they rewired themselves and their internal mechanics. Their life is built on this premise so it is also their reality (or basically lack of reality). Their extreme denial represses anything that would blame them as being the problem and that is buried so deep in them and a huge part of their world or a working mechanism in their disordered personality. Clinically they dump all of this through projection or basically blaming you in a disordered and dysfunctional method for everything they have done to you. Think back to things they have accused you of or the crazy and nonsensical arguments and how you would shake your head in disbelief wondering where they came up with this garbage – that was them projecting and dumping their toxic waste onto YOU.

That is why their lives are spent running a marathon or from one trivial distraction to another, and another because they have to keep their mind busy and AWAY from the real truth of who and what they are. In my estimation, it is really pathetic when you catch on to what they are doing. Remember that they were doing this when they were with us, always searching for something or someone else and BLAMING us because we just did not offer everything they needed – but you, me and everyone else gave everything they had. This is why so many Narcissists are also addicts too, but basically they are addicted to their own neediness and seeking out some sort of external attention. All these creatures are doing is trying to escape their fate of ultimately being alone because of how damaged they are, BUT they never seek out any form of help to fix themselves. Unfortunately, they are not cuddly creatures that you can love and help because they will devour you to protect themselves from seeing their own reflection and reality and this is why they abuse us. They can’t face themselves so they ultimately blame and destroy each and every person that becomes involved in their life and calls them out for their abusive ways.

Narcissists HATE to lose so they must wage a war and WILL only pursue a victory (in their mind only)! With any argument or even the discard he/she is not pursuing YOU to get you back and make proper amends but it may LOOK like they are pursuing you. The Narcissist wants to put things right back to the way they’re SUPPOSED to be with them psychologically abusing your mind and controlling your every move. Remember if you give in, forgive, adore, and admire this creature AND take him/her back they WILL incorporate some punishment for you “abandoning” them. They want you back but on their own terms, with the same degree of selfishness, psychopathy, AND abuse. Nothing has changed and if you respond to him/her and give them another chance, you’ll regret it and keep ending up at the same place over and over again AND one day discarded completely. The story ends the same way with every relationship.

It is a vicious cycle that will only destroy you if you keep repeating it. If the Narcissist can keep you under his/her control AND they will manage you down deeper and deeper into their abuse and having a very happy time of it indeed. I hate to admit it, but I was guilty of this for 8 months after my relationship ended, but the positive thing is that I finally ‘got it’ and moved on and away from more abuse. I just didn’t understand the dynamics completely enough at the time so I kept stumbling through it.

Your only hope for success is to completely go no contact or minimal contact if you have children together. You can’t still be friends or have the occasional e-mail or ANY contact whatsoever. Narcissists who have been dumped or abandoned you will NOT be normal ‘ex’s’ any more than they were normal partners because they are abusive. Respond to a Narcissist in any manner and he/she will without a doubt hurt you and devalue you again. Every little contact, every chance encounter, will set you back in recovering from what has been a psychologically traumatic experience for you. This was a toxic bond and not any type of NORMAL relationship that will yield anything near a normal closure with them. Remember you can’t heal from the trauma you are experiencing by reconnecting to the source because it will only add more and more layers of that same trauma. If you’re going to recover from this, you MUST stay away from them. You WILL eventually get a clearer vision of reality once your mind gets some well-deserved peace AWAY from their chaos, manipulation, and abusive ways.

If you were married and have kids together, the Narcissist will make your divorce proceedings a living hell just like they did in your marriage. The Narcissist will act like they can’t wait to get rid of you, and then stall and impede the divorce as much as humanly possible just to make sure you know who’s in control. And that’s BEFORE the real nightmare begins, with the custody arrangements. You need to stay strong to get through this, AND then you still have to deal with them until the kids are grown.

I hope this information helps you understand that a Narcissist is in this only for themselves. You were never a part of anything but instead a part of their agenda to extort your reality and life and to entertain themselves. Mine played and still plays the same music but I have plugs in my ears and blinders around my eyes and I just don’t buy into any of the attempts or the garbage at all. I have moved on and found my place, happiness, and love again. This Narcissist will NEVER have a chance of ever knowing me again or even getting near to it no matter what game this Narcissist plays at. No contact means never again! I had the truth that gave me the vision I needed to return to a complete life of happiness and love and so will you if you only allow it. You must get out of the darkness to experience the light again and get back to a real life that you once knew. You will see goodness once you leave this distorted creature and their negative messages completely behind you. Give yourself that chance every day – you can never look back if you seriously want to move forward. Please stop believing the lie! No/minimal contact! Greg

AFTER the CHARM and love-bombing – when we see the real person behind the many facades and masks. It is a world that is so opposite to ours because it is all based on lies, betrayal, emotional manipulation and insatiable needs that we could never fulfill — a world that will completely consume a person and leave them empty and destroyed and THEN we are blamed for not giving them EVERYTHING.

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AFTER the CHARM and love-bombing – when we see the real person behind the many facades and masks. It is a world that is so opposite to ours because it is all based on lies, betrayal, emotional manipulation and insatiable needs that we could never fulfill — a world that will completely consume a person and leave them empty and destroyed and THEN we are blamed for not giving them EVERYTHING.


From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

No photo description available.


https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468750462&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm


In the Narcissists grand scheme of things there is never a relationship with any one person as it concerns love, family connections, friendship, growth, goals, dreams, togetherness AND equal rights where any person ever has a separate identity OR meaning to the Narcissist – EVERYONE IS JUST AN OBJECT. Everything and everyone is just an opportunity for extorting supply. Everyone is a “people object” in their world and our connection is nothing more or nothing less than the next person’s. This always becomes painfully obvious within a relatively short period of time when the devaluation starts.
In reality they are thieves, extortionists, pathological liars, manipulators, cheaters, perverse, and dangerous to anybody that has any type of a close relationship with them. Their world is delusional, and they have shored it up with all of these tools to extract what they need from us – it is ALWAYS and only about THEIR needs. To them it is a lifestyle and they don’t think twice about how they destroy lives and families. Unfortunately, we are left with the truth that we were a target of their abuse and must pick up the pieces. We were just a “people or person object” and one of many.
The “Ah Ha” quiz! Do any of these statements define you, or have you experienced any of the following?
1. You always seem to feel physically tense, anxious, some aches and pains, stomach ache, fast heart rate, difficulties breathing and fatigued.2. You never seem to know what to expect at any given moment on any given day with this PARTICULAR person. You feel like everything is about to turn upside down, even if you have a nice day planned. You just never know if some small thing is going to turn into an argument, or you will be raged at, made fun of, or silenced and punished. Your husband, wife, friend, partner, brother, sister, father or mother is seemingly caring and considerate one moment and then coldly dismisses you the next moment with no warning and no justification.3. You have developed a severely damaged sense of self-worth and self-esteem and always seem to be second guessing yourself or your worth in every situation with this person.4. EVERYTHING seems to have a negative spin attached to it. How you cook, how you clean, a gift you give, what you wear, your friends, your job, and your looks – everything is a TARGET FOR NEGATIVE COMMENTS.5. You have had prolonged bouts of depression and anxiety. You seem to cycle in and out of these periods of depression and anxiety and this seems to be in direct correlation with the chronological time you have spent with this person.6. You begin to doubt your own existence and your sense of reality as if somebody has kidnapped your spirit.7. You experience lack of sleep for prolonged periods of time.8. You feel as if you are not a real person in your relationship, more like a pet that is trained to do tricks like jumping through hoops, etc.9. You feel as if you are not allowed to voice your own thoughts and opinions or you will be put in your place, raged at and even punished.10. You feel it is an enormous struggle to be heard or acknowledged as an individual.11. You feel that every problem in your relationship is somehow your fault and you are always blamed and shamed for everything.12. You have experience exaggerated feelings of guilt and shame.13. You are always drawn back into trying to fix or relate to him/her even though you only experience pain/blame/shame in doing so. It becomes a vicious cycle that seems to only get worse.14. You feel trapped as if in an impossible situation, unable to find a way out.15. You feel as if you have to fight all the time and are worn out and exhausted or basically forced into a corner all the time.16. You are confused constantly with racing thoughts, as if you are losing your mind trying to find some sort of peace.17. You feel as if you are surrounded with negativity. Everything you do, everything you say is met with some sort of comment that negates you or an action you do.18. Arguments seem to appear out of nowhere.19. You are made to feel physically ugly and mentally unstable with words or actions from this person.20. You feel like you are going insane, or better yet pushed to believe you are insane by actions that are not you like forgetfulness, missing items, etc.21. You are raw with emotions none of which make any sense to you anymore – but you know this feeling all too well anymore. Your thoughts may not even be clear enough at this point to understand that something is terribly wrong with you because you are always in a fog and basically DISSABLED. You are probably thinking of ways to “fix” the relationship AGAIN. Perhaps you may know that the situation is just not right but you are even willing to “fix” him/her, but at what cost to you? You may even be getting ready to crawl back to your partner, but you know the drill so well because it is like a reoccurring dream where you are screaming and can’t be heard or trying to run and you aren’t able to move.
YES to all of the above in my situation – so WHY and HOW did I get there?
Throughout my relationship, I knew that the person I was ‘with’ wasn’t emotionally well, I just didn’t know how unwell AND how emotionally unwell I had become for even wanting to continue and staying in this toxic relationship. I was blind sighted by the ‘love bombing’ and believing the “woe-be-me” stories/excuses in the beginning which are the most dangerous of the tools a Narcissist uses to trap their target.
Normal in my relationship was basically achieving ONE SINGLE DAY without some sort of incident where I was blamed, shamed or punished AND RAGED at for something or other – and usually something delusional or unreal. “Normal” simply meant that my Narcissist was still there and we achieved a complete day without an incident. What was so hidden behind all of this was the reality of just what was there with me – a lying, betraying, perverted, manipulative, cheating, delusional, disordered, vile, and VOLATILE human being that got off on hurting and punishing me. An argument (out of nowhere) would always end up as 3 days of silence and punishment – and the opportunity for this Narcissist to constantly cheat with anything/everything that said yes. This sounds crazy but it is the real truth – UNFORTUNATELY the truth isn’t apparent when we need it to be because they are PRO’s at this game. Add to this that we tend to view the world in a NORMAL or reality based manner, and within that thought process I NEVER thought another adult was capable of doing the things this person did to me and my family. It is like the iceberg theory – what you see above the water is MINOR compared to what is beneath the water!
Being a victim of narcissistic abuse is a severely traumatic life experience that you are dealing with by yourself. If the perpetrator is a person you loved, admired, or looked up to as a role model, or a wife, husband, parent, guardian, friend, relative, etc., you don’t understand the reality because most of the time you love the person, trust them and want to believe in them – you go the extra mile for them. If your professional life is entangled with a Narcissistic boss, getting out of the abusive relationship may be extremely challenging, especially when this is your livelihood, or your bread and butter.
It may seem frightening and insurmountable after the time you have invested, and you may be tempted to put up with more abuse, as an attempt to defuse the situation and save what mattered so much to you in any of the relationships you were entangled in with these cruel monsters. BUT there is no such thing as anything near a normal or real relationship with a narcissist, and you can only learn this the hard and painful way. There is no healthy give-and-take relationship with a narcissist, only a manipulative, crippling, subjugating type of giving and a demanding, exploitative, and insensitive type of taking what the Narcissist wants to fulfil their needs only. People are only objects that a Narcissist uses.
It is especially difficult to accept this when your interactions with them are at the personal, professional, familial or intimate level. How much of yourself, your work, your aspirations, do you have to sacrifice in order to save your life and your psyche from the destructive assaults from your narcissistic abuser?
The Narcissist is always fanatical, extreme, and very dangerous because of their all-pervasive nature that permeates every aspect of their life. Couple that with their non-existent empathy for life and people and you have a very dangerous predator on the loose. The “people objects” that they manipulate into their pervasive world are always the casualties. At stake is NEVER EVER the preservation of the person the Narcissist uses – but instead the Narcissist’s very own NEEDS and survival.
Don’t try to fight a war that you can’t win because a Narcissist lacks any and all morals and no matter what – you do not reach them at any level because they don’t hear us ever. You can’t engage in reality with a person that lacks morals or with issues that require a person to have a conscience and expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure. Narcissists have no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their mindless and thoughtless approach to other people especially if it is “you.” Don’t ever underestimate their depravity as it concerns their lack of respect for life and people – they will abuse anyone that stands in their way, even their own biological children or ANY family member. Put your energy and power back into YOU because you deserve so much better. NO/minimal contact always. Greg

Their words are the very weapons used to diminish, deceive, and destroy people – TAKE THEM AWAY with no-contact or by not reacting when you MUST be in contact with them!

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Their words are the very weapons used to diminish, deceive, and destroy people – TAKE THEM AWAY with no-contact or by not reacting when you MUST be in contact with them. Communication with a Narcissist is purely DECEPTIVE and just dangerous. A Narcissist will crush any attempts from the target/victim to make sense of their agenda and keep the target CONSTANTLY confused and walking on those eggshells or off balance or basically always being in control. The CHARM to HARM cycle of abuse!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Within the cycle of abuse with a Narcissist AND having to deal with all of the chaos, accusations, the constant blame, shame and punishment the target/victim only TRIES to make sense of the Narcissist’s hurtful behaviors in an attempt to fix things by overcompensating. By constantly engaging with the Narcissist it becomes too tangible or the victim’s new reality in a distorted and disabling manner. The Narcissist completely steers the direction by always reinforcing their technique with equal parts of love/charm and pain/harm creating a desperation that keeps the victim caught up in this overcompensating to get back to that cohesive and loving part of the relationship they once knew! Add to this the frequent belittlement in the manner a Narcissist will dismiss anything that is exciting or that inspires a target/victim. A Narcissist will crush any attempts from the target/victim to make sense of their agenda and keep the target CONSTANTLY confused and walking on those eggshells or off balance or basically always being in control of the victim disabling them emotionally AND psychologically.

Any dissention from a victim harms the Narcissist’s flow and need to feel superior or the omnipotent one in any relationship AND most importantly getting the constant admiration that they need OR the supply they are desperately after. In reality the Narcissist has a pathological envy of everything real and normal in people, because it discounts the Narcissist’s reality or better yet lack of reality and makes them aware of their shortcomings of WHO they THINK they are. This is expressed in varying degrees throughout the devaluation, discard and horrific smear campaign where they will trample their target/victim’s integrity into the ground to support their superior facade. Anyone who has shared a life with a Narcissist recognizes the chronic dispensation of such double standards and the many manifestations across all areas of life where rules and laws are applied that the Narcissist NEVER abides by. It is especially evident with children who have been raised by a Narcissistic parent or with this desperate, confusing, and disabling love!

As a consequence of this constant uncertainty is the consistent self-doubt and feeling of worthlessness that manifests itself in the target/victim’s heart and mind. The Narcissist is not only manipulating the mind but also tugging at the heartstrings of the target or victim to stay in control. If you do this I will love you, but it you don’t follow my exact rules and laws I will punish you, terrorize you demean, dehumanize you, AND leave you – not a very tangible approach to any sort of viable relationship.

This constant blend of abusive and charming behavior with the victim is very common with a tyrannical Narcissist and basically describes the need to control their environment or conditioning to keep the victim off guard and totally lost in confusion. For the target/victim it is a toxic osmosis from the devaluation effect of being in the presence of and angry and spiritually draining creature. So the Narcissist is not in this dance just for positive supply, we are a dumping ground for their toxicity as well and that is what damages the soul and destroys a person’s complete belief system. The Narcissist uses that manipulative and confusing component of equal parts pain and compassion or love and desperation in a manner to make their targets/victims feel that there is that small glimmer of hope that is coming from the Narcissist’s unconditional and loving soul and THAT is what keeps the victim engaged. Unfortunately, that soul if it exists is neither loving nor unconditional. It is dark, empty and knows nothing about real love, truth or the reality of respecting life.

The most heartbreaking effect of these disorienting double standards is the utter confusion about what is considered right and wrong sharing a world with a Narcissist. The double standards seem to trade places constantly throughout the relationship. The Narcissist creates standards, morals and laws for everybody around them but they themselves do not respect or follow ANY of their own rules or standards and constantly change them to meet THEIR personal needs in any given situation. The end result is the victim never has a real voice because of the ever-changing rules and standards and the victim is always the one at fault. A Narcissist will NEVER validate a positive reality or experience for another human being, but instead trap their targets/victims in a fun house maze of mirrors that never reflect an accurate image. The target/victim runs through that fun-house maze of mirrors seeing their reflection as different and ever changing or a static and inaccurate image that is ever-changing. Those who have lived through this know how this easily manipulates and implants itself into a deep-seated belief that one’s interpretation of reality, especially when reality is ambiguous or uncertain, is always the wrong one, the faulty one, the one fully invalidated by the mere existence of the Narcissist’s manipulative interpretation to control people!

Never, never just listen to the Narcissists words, but instead observe the behavior that they back up any of the words they use. Behavior is how we can completely assess the reality of what a person is truly offering us. Words are a Narcissists main tools to make their con job functional and rewarding to themselves! You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an illusion of everything being right (because he/she tells you so) and this is a very hard thing to accept. If it feels wrong, it is wrong.

What goes along with this is staying out of the Narcissist’s head! Don’t try to figure out what they are up to or what’s going on in their lives, what’s in their mind, or second guess them. Getting into a Narcissist’s head means trying to figure out their motives, trying to make excuses for them, trying to rationalize their behavior, maybe even trying to manipulate them, and all this does is gets you sucked right back into the content of the abuse again! They trained you well to always think about them, so that it deflects away from the truth that they are the problem, the sick one, and the abusive personality!

When you catch yourself thinking about them and trying to gain some relevant information that will help you out in some way, just remember NOTHING is relevant about them except that they lie, cheat, manipulate, steal, use, betray, backstab, brainwash, triangulate, extort lives away from people, and psychologically rape people’s minds. Just don’t try to figure out anything they do because the reason behind everything they do is ALWAYS self-serving. What in any of that do you want or need to understand — they are just dangerous to human life! If there really was love you would be together in a manner that there would not be so many issues and always having to explain yourself and feeling so traumatized.

For those who are in doubt of their relationship, read, absorb, and process the truth about Narcissistic behaviors – in other words get a strong education so you can align with the truth of this personality disorder. Keep in mind that toxic people can be mothers, fathers, siblings, coworkers, clergy and religious leaders, politicians, co-workers, bosses, health professionals, romantic partners or anybody in your world. These people, for whatever reason, feel no remorse or empathy, and display no conscience in their interactions with other human beings. They use, abuse, and discard their source targets for a variety of reasons, be it sex, money, status, or a sense of power but again they do what they do because they are self-serving. They are what they are and will remain that way – only their tactics change and evolve as each new target is acquired. There is no reason to maintain any type of “relationship” with another human being whose only goal in their lifetime is to target and dismantle other human beings for their own selfish purposes – none. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment with a Narcissist as it concerns any other human being on this planet – people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use abuse and discard at will. It is a very controlled mechanism in their arsenal of abuse.

Image may contain: text that says 'A Narcissist will manipulate EVERYBODY and EVERYTHING around YOU to betray you and confuse you! This is NOT a reflection of who YOU are or anything about YOU. BUT more of a reflection of the Narcissist's powers of manipulation and the integrity of the very people that listen to this nonsense and believe them! From my Book: Greg Zaffuto- Author- From Charm to Harm and imgflip.com Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist'

There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment with a Narcissist as it concerns any other human being on this planet – people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use abuse and discard at will. It is a very controlled mechanism in their arsenal of abuse.


From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

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https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468750462&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm


You can’t have reality in a situation where there is none, especially a situation that is embellished with toxic behavior to push your buttons, play with your emotions and take you to your lowest level. The Narcissist will ultimately step up the game of their abuse with betrayal, many sexual indiscretions, pathological lies, gas-lighting, etc., but again this starts out as a slow and very ambiguous abuse. Unfortunately it disables the target/victims capacity to function normally within the relationship and then it is too late because the target/victim is somewhere between their emotional connection (love) and the vast confusion caused by the debasing and dehumanizing psychological warfare.
The narcissist has successfully developed strong and shrewd communication skills that basically invalidate and manipulate our own perceptions about ourselves and distort all logic and reasoning rendering OUR communication with them useless. All interpersonal communication becomes twisted, and an opportunity to make us feel invalidated, wrong and basically worthless. This within itself is often overlooked (the subtle abuse) but it is as dangerous as any of their other tools in the arsenal of Narcissistic abuse!
Many, if not all Narcissists get away with psychological terrorism and they murder their targets self-esteem, mind and soul. Be it bullying, slander, or abuse, things that should be prosecutable offenses and they do this all of their lives. So just how do they get away with it all without any consequences AND why do people believe them? WELL, first off because the Narcissist KNOWS that they are creating outrageous and dehumanizing acts against people and humanity, so they also think up ways to avoid the consequences, especially because of what they fear the most – EXPOSURE!
SO they ALSO plan a preemptive attack on their victims by backstabbing and smearing you to those in your immediate circle. The big plan! That shrewd Narcissist destroys the victim’s credibility in advance. They are by far NOT geniuses, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you want to get away with abusing someone, you first launch an effective pre-emptive attack on their character, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when the truth finally starts emerging that they (target/victim) was abused. Here is the formula for the Narcissist to be successful at this – abuse and then accuse your target/victim of the very atrocity the Narcissist has committed and BOOM you are on top of your game to escape the exposure. They have been backstabbing/smearing us behind our backs from the very first day that we met them – but we were very distracted by the ‘love bombing’ and growing trust with this creature – just us being a normal and empathic human being. Meanwhile that dark Narcissistic creature was just plugging us into their cycle of abuse and building up their minions, flying monkeys or Narcissistic support soldiers.
The basic facts of life as it concerns those people that love to put themselves in the middle to judge others, or the Narcissists best friends and supporters or MINIONS – they are abusers too. BUT the bigger lesson of “damned if we do or damned if we don’t” is the culprit here too! Everybody knows that when somebody defends themselves from accusations with accusations, the majority will always believe the one who accused first and views the ‘defendant’ as the attacker, the scorned one and retaliating as if the target/victim were caught in OR did the outrageous things that the Narcissist has alleged. This is irrational, because the initial accuser (the Narcissist) is the attacker and there is no more reason to believe one party over the other but people do! Lastly if we don’t make an attempt to stand up or defend our integrity we are guilty by the design of the disordered Narcissist’s smear campaign. No win situation for the target or victim, especially when they are already vulnerable by the ABUSE and basically a shell of a person.
So what a Narcissist puts into motion is pathologically treating us like dirt and maligning us behind our backs to control and destroy us. They are predators that are pre-loaded with delusion, psychopathy, and abuse. This seriously puts Narcissists in their own special class with Psychopaths or like a branch from the same Psychopath tree. The class of people who don’t wish you or any other human being any sense of well-being, no matter what or how friendly, caring or loving their façade is. This is the same class of predators as physical, sexual or ANY other kind of abusive predator and Narcissists are just as dangerous. Seriously we MUST internalize Narcissists really are predators and dangerous, but many people just don’t appreciate the true meaning or the reality of Narcissistic abuse basically letting it in one ear and out the other as the saying goes!

They are FAKE, completely and unequivocally FAKE right to their core!

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They are FAKE, completely and unequivocally FAKE right to their core! So with that in mind a little analogy about their performance! AND …… the Emmy Award, the Oscar, and every other accolade in this world goes to the Narcissist for their performance of being a good human being with empathy and integrity! A Narcissist is a great actor that draws from his/her audience to create a reality that is believable or real enough that the audience becomes completely engaged with the story, emotions, beliefs, feelings or all of it. The audience in return believes this character, their fake script and engages with them – unfortunately the reality of it all is that it is only a show and with a bad ending.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

FIRST and FOREMOST, most of us friended, cared for, were a child of, or fell in love with one of these Oscar/Emmy award winning actor Narcissists. BUT of course it was FAKE, not real, a con job and a means for them to use us as Narcissistic supply. Huge and I mean an ABSOLUTELY huge betrayal and the sign of a highly disordered individual, so implant this message firmly into your mind! They thrive on admiration so they select an audience or a particular person that fulfills their particular need at any particular time that they have that need and that is key here. We were all objectified to fulfill THEIR NEEDS. Like a great actor, a Narcissist draws from the audience/person to create a reality that is believable and we, as the audience, become engaged with the complete story, emotions, beliefs, feelings and all. We empathize with the character in that fake script and we believe that show they put on for us.

The Narcissist is just like that actor, but he/she isn’t doing it for entertainment purposes – this is their whole life and reality that is ALL based on lies. We don’t know it is a huge con job at the time because our hearts are ruling our heads and we don’t know that he/she (the person we are with) is not a fully functioning human being as well that lacks any and all empathy. Furthermore, we do not know they are abusive and will destroy our lives and run off with whatever they can take from us. Read this paragraph to anybody that hasn’t experienced this abuse and they will probably shake their head in disbelief and think you are crazy – BUT IT IS THE TRUTH. NOW imagine if you will that it is JUST as crazy for us (target/victims) to relate to and try to put it in a realistic perspective to create our own closure and recover from a predator that attacked our lives in this manner! This is new to you and at this point you have spent more time in the NON-truth of your situation than you have with the truth that you are finally realizing. So it is a process to achieve the clarity and that is how no contact is going to help you achieve this.

If we honestly evaluate what has happened during the aftermath, we can identify times where we were in full-fledged denial of the obvious facts – I sure was! Our partners had changed and we chose to believe that their viciousness and cruel behavior was caused by something we had done wrong. A big NO to that because we were in denial of this barrage of manipulation that a shrewd Narcissist used to fulfill their agenda. Our intuition WAS warning us but our hearts and mind were ignoring that. It is also not a sign of weakness or stupidity on our part, instead it was a slow and insidious process of extreme manipulation, betrayal and brain-washing that stole our self-esteem and changed us. It is not hard to understand how it could happen because a Narcissist employs an array of manipulation techniques that warps human emotions AND the very ones we all cherish and try to emulate into our lives – and that is love. Love is many things that includes happiness, trust, personal bonding, empathy, attraction, growth, etc., or a very normal, unconditional and REWARDING emotion that can be real with a real person, and once again the Narcissist was nothing even near real. They know about love but they use a “fake love” to grab our trust, take what they wanted, then destroy it all right in our faces and manipulate us back to take more – basic and negative conditioning!

So, we fell (were conned) into LOVE. But an unnatural and abusive love is nothing even remotely near a normal love and it comes with a great price. That price is the very truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem and belief system. We constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND ourselves and in doing so, our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools. Their manipulation, betrayal, control, lies and acting out “trained” us to provide them with supply and they stepped up the game to get the most, if not ALL they could from us OR until they were caught and identified as the monster they are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth and THIS became our normal trying to make this work. We didn’t give them the power to abuse us, we MISTAKINGLY opened our hearts with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise. THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO because they repeat this cycle many times over with many people and lie to cover it all up!

So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship) that believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, love, individuality, AND a real relationship, we just tried to follow the natural flow or path of a NORMAL relationship. Unfortunately, what we didn’t know is that we had inadvertently set the stage for Narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them. That is a big NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM. Like a spoiled child, a Narcissist will act out in rage against ANY individual who is keeping them from getting what they want constant supply, admiration, adulation and total control over their target. So, what that interprets into is ANY individual that has personal needs (or basic individuality) is in direct conflict to the Narcissist’s agenda of complete admiration and adoration. You and I both know that can’t be remotely possible in any given relationship.

During what I call my “processing phase” I thought about all the arguments that seemed to come from nowhere and escalated to an “out of control” status for absolutely no reason. There were never any questions asked, instead there were always accusations from my Narcissist CONCERNING me. I was everything bad or evil, everything mentally ill. I was perverse, having affairs, lying, cheating, stealing and anything else bad that this Narcissist could think up. It was the creative and DESTRUCTIVE mind of a highly disordered person acting out of their deep seeded pathology. These were really diversions and projections of what this Narcissist was actually doing to me and they were shoved down my throat in an effort for this Narcissist to release from the shame and blame they should HAVE OWNED themselves for these hideous acts. Unfortunately I didn’t have the education to process this as Narcissistic projection and shame dumping, so I processed all of this the best I could and that was by basically shaking my head in complete confusion!

Next it was an attempt to make me feel totally and unequivocally unworthy through making fun of me, triangulating, back-stabbing, isolating, silencing and punishing me. This defines the relationship with a Narcissist, or totally and hysterically dysfunctional with an edge that always serves the Narcissist’s agenda. I reflected many times on some of the Narcissists arguments or statements that now seem so characteristically insecure and childlike to me. It was such a surprise coming from an adult, but I justified it and wrote it off as this Narcissist’s “immaturity.” I wanted this Narcissist to be the person I believed the Narcissist to be when my heart assigned itself to loving this Narcissist and somehow I would resolve or justify my own beliefs. If you love them, you will accept them for WHO they are and work with them, time will work to heal all of this and the bigger picture was what was important to me. Too bad I didn’t realize the PSYCHOPATHY behind all of this. REMEMBER there was a great deal of “love bombing” so the Narcissist could gain our trust to get us to believe they were our soul mate that LOVED us – and that created the emotional bond to them. I wasn’t overlooking the obvious because I wasn’t seeing the WHOLE picture or the lies, cheating, betrayal, brain-washing and everything else that is kept so hidden from all of us. That doesn’t happen right away but instead when it is too late and you have formed that strong emotional bond with them AND after they have been subtly gaslighting, manipulating, and conditioning us.

That is, perhaps, the most difficult and devastating outcome of a Narcissistic relationship, mustering up the strength as well as adopting the position to accept that your partner was just pathologically abusive and cruel AND now you must abandon them and the relationship COMPLETELY or ‘no contact!’ It is a difficult and an unnatural process to have to dump the past completely, as well as your emotions, dreams, plans, the family structure (they abandon/abuse their own biological children as well), with all of those years you spent together and the memories that are also fake. IT IS AN ABHORATION of human life as well as human dignity to use/harm/destroy another individual in the manner a Malignant Narcissist does. After you get to your ‘ah ha’ moment or the truth, you are then left with the arduous task of finding yourself again with this monkey on your back.

So here we are with the truth. We have to stand up again and brush ourselves off and start walking forward again and realize our own culpability in the exchange with this Malignant Narcissist. We believed it was love when it wasn’t, and we are in a place that is called abuse (which is new to the equation) and the journey to recovery must start NOW through this understanding of JUST HOW DISORDERED this partner was to our entire life. Now we MUST go “no contact” because we have educated ourselves with the truth and we have to stop anymore attempts on the Narcissist’s part to abuse us anymore BECAUSE THEY WILL.

Apart from all of that, I live and I love again as an outcome of taking the first step of ‘no contact.’ Now I accept that there are people in this world who represent darkness and evil and I DO NOT allow them anywhere near my life. It is not my place to fix them, make them better or to even tolerate them. Life is good without Narcissists/Psychopaths and toxic people that always try to drag us into their negativity and backward world. I also know myself better, I am myself, I love myself, I enjoy life, and find the world a wonderful place to be in. I have good and great relationships. I know that I finally faced the truth and worked through it which included fixing certain parts of ME. I was not a deer frozen in the headlights and stayed in that position dazed forever. I was an adult with many resources and I learned how to use them. I accepted that abnormal people had entered into my life. I accepted that they left damage in their wake and I needed to get them out of my life. Unless you do that, unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out. You will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU, instead it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life. Educate yourself and go “no contact” AND educate others once you understand the reality of this abuse and the damage it does to many undeserving and beautiful people. You are amazing and you CAN and will beat this! No/minimal contact always! Greg

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