Reactive Abuse from a Narcissist: A Narcissist always uses their toxic and abusive words to purposely create a negative reaction that they can turn around on their target/victim and use it against them! THEY are the abusers without a doubt, but they bait us into nonsensical arguments – ones where they accuse us, maybe make fun of us, belittle us, malign us, etc. – so that WE react and then they call us the abuser!

The magical Bait and Switch – Tricks of the Narcissists trade or baiting their victim into reacting to THEIR abuse so they can then turn it around to BLAME the victim and accuse THEM of abuse. Reactive Abuse from a Narcissist: A Narcissist always uses their toxic and abusive words to purposely create a negative reaction that they can turn around on their target/victim and use it against them! THEY are the abusers without a doubt, but they bait us into nonsensical arguments – ones where they accuse us, maybe make fun of us, belittle us, malign us, etc. – so that WE react and then they call us the abuser!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in between with a Narcissist

Again, a Narcissist will always set this TRAP for their victim – basically pushing or better yet FORCING us into a corner so that we react and even verbally reply/lash back out to protect ourselves from something so toxic and negative that they have said to us – and what they say is always horrendous and shocking. It is that very reaction from us that they are looking for and baiting us into because they want to use it against us and makes US out to be the toxic person. They will then react to our reaction with pure intent, maybe with a sigh of pure disgust, act fearful of us, state how WE have hurt them, how we overreact, shame us and even blame us for starting an argument, or whatever they can muster up to pin this on you and I!

So, what goes on in the omnipotent Narcissist’s distorted version of life? DIMINISHING THEIR VICTIM and they want them to feel isolated and insecure. There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment as it concerns any other human being on this planet because people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use and abuse, play with, and discard at will – and ‘in between’ they will completely manage their victim down in any way they can. It is a very controlled mechanism in their arsenal of abuse. Normal people respect all life, but a Narcissist does not deem life as worthy of THEIR respect – it is there for them to use and manipulate. So, by treating others as unworthy the Narcissist is acting as if they are beneath reprieve for their actions, and we are totally insignificant, very disposable, and infinitely less important than the all-important Narcissist or we DESERVE this treatment!

A Narcissist has no more regard for us than a person that steps on and squashes a poor bug that is minding its own bug-business on the ground. Basically, and unequivocally, we are nothing and the Narcissist is everything in their world and at all costs, even if it means total destruction of an individual OR squashing us like that poor bug! They will even step up their game by making a person feel physically unattractive by making fun of them and backing it up with FALSE testimony from friends, family, co-workers, etc., again – NONE of which is true.

Let us take it a step further – and to another level of how they malign us through their ‘CON BOND’ with us. IF you believe in their sincerity or participate in any of their ‘poison laced conversations’ you are allowing a Narcissist to access your mind and uncover your deepest and darkest secrets and insecurities AND they will exploit them completely at a future time, but always under the guise of concern and caring to exploit those very secrets. They will even fuel a conversation to manipulate you into ‘providing’ personal information about yourself, a situation, or a familiar person to extort the knowledge and use it against you. Narcissists are backstabbers pure and simple!

What is carefully hidden under their ‘fake’ empathy is an agenda to manipulate and exploit those weaknesses and use them against you in any number of different ways. They will call upon this personal information AT ANY TIME to dehumanize you and invalidate you USING those thoughts that you genuinely trusted them with. They will take those ‘innermost thoughts and secrets’ and make themselves ‘in the know’ about your private and personal life issues with ‘others.” They will run with this information and negatively triangulate with friends, family, your boss, and co-workers with that ‘very personal’ information they have gained through sharing your private concerns with them. It is natural to vent with the person you love or trust, but NEVER with a Narcissist because they will use it against you. Give them a little bit of information and they will find out everything and anything connected to it that they can use against you – and they are very shrewd and sneaky about it – you will not know what hit you. They are ALWAYS looking for that ‘in’ to manage a person down! Most importantly is understanding that this is not ANY type of love, caring, friendship, or relationship – it is subjugation and abuse. No/minimal contact ALWAYS. Greg

Moving forward with the truth and CLARITY! We were methodically being erased bit by bit until there was nothing much left of us but a shell of a person we once were!

Moving forward with the truth and CLARITY! We were methodically being erased bit by bit until there was nothing much left of us but a shell of a person we once were!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

So, we fell for the CHARM of a Narcissist, perhaps even fell in LOVE – but an unnatural and abusive relationship OR love is nothing even near a normal and it comes with a great price – the truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem, belief system, worth, and emotional wellbeing – BUT we totally believed in this person at first (and their scam). With that in mind we constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND lost ourselves at so many levels in doing so. Our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools through insidious CONTROL while we kept believing in them.

Their manipulation, betrayal, lies and acting out was methodically ‘conditioning’ us to provide them with supply and they stepped up the game to get the most, if not ALL they could from us until they were caught and identified as the monster they are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth and lost more and more of ourselves. We did not give them the power to abuse us, we MISTAKINGLY opened our hearts/minds with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise – AND THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO!

So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship) who believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, friendship, love, individuality, etc., AND a real relationship ONLY tried to follow the natural flow or path of a relationship. But what we did not know is that we had inadvertently set the stage for narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them – and that is a BIG NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM – it usually is when a person extorts or is a thief. A thief steals from you when you least expect it and they NEVER leave you a personal gift in return for what they stole – not a give and take situation – ALL TAKE like a Narcissist! Like a spoiled child, a narcissist will act out in rage against the individual who is keeping them from getting what they want – constant supply, admiration, adulation, and total control over their target.

During what I call my “processing phase” I thought about all the arguments that seemed to come from nowhere and escalated to an “out of control” status for absolutely no reason. There were never any questions asked, BUT there were always accusations from my Narcissist CONCERNING me. I was everything evil, everything mentally ill, I was perverse, having affairs, lying, cheating, stealing and anything else bad that the Narcissist could think up. It was the creative and DESTRUCTIVE mind of a highly disordered person acting out of their deep seeded pathology and projection of what THEY were doing.

These were diversions and projections of what the Narcissist was actually doing, and they were shoved down my throat in an effort for this Narcissist to release from the shame and blame they should HAVE OWNED themselves for these hideous acts, lies and betrayal. Next it was to attempt to make me feel unworthy like I was all these things wrong and bad and meant to push me over the edge. This defines the relationship with a Narcissist – totally and hysterically dysfunctional with an edge that serves the Narcissist’s agenda always. I reflected on some of the Narcissist’s arguments or statements that seemed so uncharacteristically insecure and childlike to me at the time. It was such a surprise coming from an adult, but I justified it and wrote it off as this Narcissist’s “immaturity.”

I wanted this Narcissist to be the person I believed the Narcissist to be when my heart assigned itself to loving this Narcissist and I was resolved about my beliefs. If you love them, you will accept them for WHO they are and work with them, time will work to heal all of this, and the bigger picture was what was important. Too bad I did not realize the PSYCHOPATHY behind all of this. REMEMBER there was a great deal of CHARM or ‘love bombing’ so the Narcissist could gain our trust to get us to believe they were GOOD at first. I was not overlooking the obvious because I wasn’t seeing the WHOLE picture or the lies, cheating, betrayal, brainwashing and everything else that is kept so hidden from all of us – this is why it is classified as abuse or better yet psychological terrorism/abuse because it leaves us emotionally and psychologically wounded – and that what the Narcissist meant to do.

Now ask yourself were you a mentally challenged person when you entered this relationship? I would believe most would say no. Unfortunately, as time went on you were described as practically insane by the Narcissist, as well as a couple hundred other things to make you out to be worthless and that takes time to purge out of your mind. You were managed down slowly but surely to accept this role with your abuser without even knowing it. You were blamed, shamed, told you were everything bad. With that in mind you were put in a role that locked your mind up in these distortions (brainwashing, gas-lighting, manipulation, etc.) and trying to do more and more to alleviate all of these so-called problems you had to get the relationship back on track. The Narcissist was the driving force behind all of this to keep you trapped in confusion each day. Remember they had an arsenal of tools to do this because that is what they do, and they are utilizing these tools with this new supply too!

What is perhaps, the most difficult and devastating outcome of a narcissistic relationship, mustering up the strength as well as adopting the position to accept that your partner was just pathologically abusive and cruel AND now you must abandon them and the relationship COMPLETELY. It is a difficult and unnatural process to have to dump your past completely, as well as your emotions, dreams, plans, the family structure (they abandon/abuse their own biological children as well), all those years you spent together and the memories that are also fake. IT IS AN ABHORATION of human life as well as human dignity to use/harm/destroy another individual in the manner a malignant Narcissist does. After you get there, you are then left with the arduous task of finding yourself again BUT it is a journey we must start to heal and move forward.

Apart from all of that, I live, and I love again. It is an amazing life because now, I accept that there are people in this world who represent darkness and evil. It is not my place to fix them, make them better or to even tolerate them. Life is good without narcissists/psychopaths. I know myself better, I am myself, I love and enjoy and find the world a wonderful place to be in. I have good and great relationships. I know that I finally faced the truth and worked through it. I was not a deer frozen in the headlights and stayed in that position dazed forever. I was an adult with many resources, and I learned to use them. I accepted that abnormal people had entered my life. I accepted that they left damage in their wake, and I needed to get them out of my life. Unless you do that, unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out. You will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU – it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life. Educate yourself and go “no contact” AND educate others once you understand the reality of this abuse and the damage it does to many undeserving and beautiful people. No contact always! Greg

Empower yourself with these words:  We can NEVER engage with their chaos and conflict because they are aimed directly at diminishing us and managing us down to SUPPORT their agenda! Narcissists are masters of spin and diversionary tactics to drive their “conflicted reality” home through brute verbal force, emotional dismissiveness, psychological games, and delusional reasoning. If you are involved with a Narcissist, you know these communication strategies firsthand.

Empower yourself with these words:  We can NEVER engage with their chaos and conflict because they are aimed directly at diminishing us and managing us down to SUPPORT their agenda! Narcissists are masters of spin and diversionary tactics to drive their “conflicted reality” home through brute verbal force, emotional dismissiveness, psychological games, and delusional reasoning. If you are involved with a Narcissist, you know these communication strategies firsthand.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

When you present facts that contradict their beliefs, they bamboozle you by using off-topic tangents, changing the subject, or creating a new accusation AGAINST YOU or creating CONFLICT! It is NEVER about FACTS – but instead distorting FACTS to support their agenda. While you are still defending your original point and its validity, the Narcissist completely dismisses you (because you are making sense/telling the truth) and distracts you by jumping to another topic that is completely out in left field. and then they somehow condemn YOU with some off tangent nonsense. They are always judge, jury, and executioner.

Narcissists have absolutely no capacity for context or truth. Either you see things their way or you must be crushed into the ground – and believe me they think nothing of how they will crush a person into the ground. You cannot respectfully agree to disagree with them. Any criticism or difference of opinion is a challenge to their “authority, power, and control” and is seen as a threat and will be treated as such and you will be devalued, demeaned, debased, dehumanized, and destroyed – it is just that serious to them. BUT serious to them is not in any normal context – it is complete denial and avoidance all bundled up in all these tactics to be in control and exert power over us. Remember we are only an object to serve them so we must revere them as well OR ELSE!

The Narcissist employs loud and deliberate RAGING as another tactic when all else fails. The more wrong an emotionally and abusive Narcissist is the louder and/or more resolute they get with their attack. Their level of fake outrage, vindictiveness or emotional withdrawal is in direct proportion to how accurate you are. They will either talk over you, or shout at you, repeating the same simplistic, emotionally charged statements over and over until they drown out all reason, you pass out from the exhaustion of it all, or they give you the silent treatment until you submit and apologize for your “offense.” BUT THEY COMMITTED THE OFFENSE, and they are very adept at diverting from the truth with their pathological bullying so we better retreat and learn our lessons. My Narcissist employed this tactic every time they would find some anonymous sexual partner that I would find out about. First the incredulous story that I would shake my head at in total disbelief, then the extreme rage attack because I just did not believe this Narcissist, and then my morals were attacked as if I was the guilty party having these constant affairs.

LASTLY, let’s remember that Narcissists are also very adept at shifting blame to all others for everything that is wrong and never consider how they contribute to and cause the issues as well as their own unhappiness. They just shift responsibility to make you seem bad and crazy in an effort to shame you into submission. They will punish you for their own offenses as well – that is what we are “employed for” by the Narcissist because THEY need to project onto us. We are here to serve them, save them, take care of their every need, change their diapers, accept all of their faults as if they are our own, allow them to betray us and accept it as well as be blamed for it, we must allow them to extort everything they can from us, and we are not allowed to view any of this as anything but a privilege to be in their company – AND they never give anything in return. If we follow all of these rules, we are allowed to be their friend, their beloved family, or love them but we must also pay the price for this wonderful relationship by being stripped of our individuality, integrity, self-esteem and driven to insanity from their delusional abuse.

At heart, a Narcissist is a terroristic bully who will try to steamroll anyone who disagrees with them or when they DON’T get their way. It is not just about controlling THEIR reality, but controlling everyone else’s reality, too. When you allow a Narcissist to determine reality, it would be like letting one of the inmates control/run the asylum. There is only ONE way with a Narcissist and that is discarding them from our life with no/minimal contact. Greg

With this abuse, we must TRY to understand that we as ‘normal’ people find it hard to wrap our heads around their actions BUT we must to move on and up to a higher level of recovery. In other words, we must accept that they are what they are, they will NOT ever change – then move forward with this NEW clarity and truth, do some damage control, seek good solutions, and return to the healthy life we deserve!

With this abuse, we must TRY to understand that we as ‘normal’ people find it hard to wrap our heads around their actions BUT must to move on and up to a higher level of recovery. In other words, we must accept that they are what they are, they will NOT ever change – then move forward with this NEW clarity and truth, do some damage control, seek good solutions, and return to the healthy life we deserve!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

What I am going to try to do here is to explain why the educational process is extremely important to recovery. I am not using the word education in a manner that only describes the Narcissist or abuse and “there you have it!’ Instead, I am trying to emphasize the importance of education being vital to desensitizing the abuse messages that play in your mind, as well as defining the manner that a Narcissist drives this abuse straight into your heart, soul, mind and world.

Targets/victims get so lost in the day to day managing down that they fail to see just how effective the Narcissist is at distorting their reality (the manipulation.) You are never having a REAL conversation with a REAL person. This is the essence of ABUSE and how we become desensitized, and our reality distorted. Everything a Narcissist says (and does) has NOTHING to do with a normal ‘back and forth’ conversation between two normal people! You (target/victim) are COMMUNICATING and believing that the Narcissist is reciprocating, but they are observing and scheming through your words and actions AND using what they know about you AGAINST YOU. They are drawing information from you in a manner to know your strengths and weaknesses and again, how to use those against you. They may reply in what seems like a normal manner but they are actually interrogating you to draw out what they can and then they distort what they can so you never have a cohesive conversation with them. When they start to devalue you they will draw upon what they have learned about you – embellish it, PERSONALIZE it, and then use it against you – that is what can make it feel so personal and real to us. They will also do the same with the very things you like/love – and of course use that to keep you hanging on and believing in them. Everything is just a tool for them to carry out their agenda.

You will always find yourself WONDERING about something or other. The end result is that they have you where they want you – trapped in your own mind and heart. Along with that they employ so many techniques to confuse you, or make you question what you said, or basically always feeling like you have to explain yourself and perform for their approval. That is how they gain the upper hand! Beyond the CHARM or love bombing which was just another grand scheme to emotionally manipulate you into the abuse with words and actions, the remainder of the relationship will consume you with always feeling the need to defend yourself. There is no such thing as individuality with a Narcissist and they are not going to allow you to have needs or be anything but what they want you to be. The KEY point here is that the love you FEEL (conned into) connects you to a Narcissist as well as blinds you to the abuse because they dangle that love in front of you and make you basically beg to have it back. That is purely behavioral modification using withholding techniques to change you to accept their disordered abuse! Remember that they are employing their disguise to con everyone around them to get what they want, but the primary 24/7 supply suffers the most from this abuse. They have other sources of supply on the side to feed their out-of-control lifestyle, and minions that sing their praises. How sad and destructive for the primary 24/7 target/victim to believe that what they have with a Narcissist is LOVE when it is nothing more than a place for the Narcissist to have constant supply as well as a refuge to hide the truth of just how perverted they are.

The dynamics of a relationship with them is built solely on the premise that you are a PERFORMANCE object to this distorted creature for as long as they want you to be OR until they have extorted everything, they can from you, OR you uncover the truth about them. Unfortunately, you are coming from what you believe is a real relationship with them, so you are blinded to the day-to-day subtle manipulation and abuse. Love, commitment, and growth are your goals, but slowly but surely your emotions and thoughts are eroded away until you lose the person you were for so many years. The Narcissist does not ever stop the abuse because they need to devalue and discard you and they manipulate you into temporary insanity. They push and push you so that you react in ways that MAKE you out to be the ‘crazy one’ and then they use that against you. This is what they are and what they do. There is absolutely NOTHING you could have done to change any of this. This is a predator with an agenda to secure its prey, feed off it, devalue it, destroy it, and then move on to new hunting grounds to find another person to prey on. BUT they are so good at this game that few see through them until it is too late! Add to the fact that a Narcissist will destroy each of their targets/victim’s integrity to cover their tracks by using the insanity they forced you into AGAINST you. The world is none the wiser to these criminals. Try explaining your incredulous experience and you have sealed your faith as being the ‘crazy one’ just like the Narcissist has described you to everyone and BEHIND your back. The Narcissist has everything covered as far as the abuse is concerned.

Targets/victims that are abused must understand that the abuse does not have anything to do with them and the actions of the Narcissist are not their fault. What you are feeling and reacting to is the many years of the brainwashing or manipulation (same thing.) You are NOT this person but instead a brainwashed individual that has had your dignity striped away from you by a highly disordered and destructive abuser. This is one of the hardest things to realize that there is absolutely nothing you could have done that would have any influence on changing this creature. Targets/victims of emotional/psychological abuse often think otherwise hoping they can fix things and only end up in this vortex of blaming themselves as being the defective one as well as the reason for the failing state of the relationship. Again, this is the Narcissist doing what they do so well, confusing you and using mind control to make you accept their disordered agenda. It is the only way these creatures could function in our world and that is through lies and manipulation, otherwise they would be in jail for what they really are.

Just some reality and the truth! With a Narcissist you will give until you are emotionally, spiritually, and physically bankrupt and receive little or nothing in return AND you will lose yourself completely. Just take a hard look at yourself today and then compare that with your state of being when you first met your narcissistic partner. You are more than likely psychologically and emotionally worse off and feeling totally numb and a different person. Narcissists are thieves and once they have taken all you have to give, you are history, and they discard you and move on to new and plentiful supply.

PLEASE, please internalize that they waged a psychological war that had an agenda with you from day one! Narcissists are amoral and you CAN’T engage with them in any moral or conscience-based issues and expect to achieve anything or better yet win. They DON’T love, bond, care, friend, or even relate to people — they abuse and extort. Narcissists have absolutely no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. They abide by no rules or laws. They are not REAL! There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their thoughtless and CRUEL approach to other people, especially yourself. They feel COMPLETELY entitled in this world. If you are looking for revenge, then you will never achieve any satisfaction in that arena either. They do not connect to your thoughts or words as they concern any opinion that you may have about them, nor do they care. You are an object and supply, and it begins and ends there!

ONCE you get to your ‘ah ha’ moment with them – go no/minimal contact and stay as far away from them as physically possible. Add to this that you must also train yourself to distance yourself as far away EMOTIONALLY as possible too! SERIOUSLY know that they never loved you nor could they love you because they are void of empathy and emotions! This means that you DON’T trespass in their abode or hunting grounds, and do not peek at their online social sites. Also do not ever get into conversations, phone calls or texts thinking that they are missing you and softening in their approach to you, they are only gaining information to use against you. Remember they were very adept at abusing you and putting you in the place of despair that you are presently in. You have put your best foot forward or probably both feet and every other thing you could put forward to end up where you are now. They do not change overnight or EVER for that matter. Remember that you cannot fight and expect to win on their turf because it is disordered, delusional and abusive. That is not what you or I are about, nor will we ever be able to wrap our heads around a Narcissist’s dark and destructive lifestyle – it would be like walking through a dark maze with a one lit match. We are people of empathy, integrity, respectful, and loving – and we must embrace this and protect ourselves by moving on and away from them. The truth ALWAYS comes out in the end! No/minimal contact. Greg

Words are NEVER real with a Narcissist; they are TOOLS and WEAPONS utilized in their cycle to abuse! There is NEVER a dialogue with a Narcissist it is always a self-serving monologue with an agenda in mind or to create a smokescreen or diversion of some sort.

Words are NEVER real with a Narcissist; they are TOOLS and WEAPONS utilized in their cycle to abuse! There is NEVER a dialogue with a Narcissist it is always a self-serving monologue with an agenda in mind or to create a smokescreen or diversion of some sort.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

A Narcissist will employ cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse and shrewd manipulative linguistic or language patterns to CONTROL people around them and force them to question their own sanity. Narcissists will also smear their target/victim’s good nature/name behind their back destroying their integrity to others (friends, family, co-workers) so they will also start questioning the sanity of the target/victim. It is like a game of “power and control” using these various methods so that the Narcissist’s is always in charge of their environment and controlling every aspect of it with lies, false appearances, coning people, etc. Narcissists have everybody around them fooled by their charm that hides their true pathological self – they even fooled their target/victim with their “love bombing” and extreme charm.

 When communicating, discussing, debating, or arguing with a narcissist, a target/victim usually finds themselves at a COMPLETE dead-end. The target/victim’s logic always becomes incompatible with that of the Narcissist, and they always get outwitted and then steered in the opposite direction from the original topic, especially if it is around questioning them (the Narcissist) or accountability as it concerns the Narcissist. Basically, communicating with them is like walking through a “House of Mirrors” at a carnival. Every thought you express is distorted in so many different ways that you don’t even recognize the original thought and it causes complete confusion– just like your image in the many mirrors that are created to distort your image and make you lose track of your original starting point and destination.

 If you say the sky is blue the Narcissist will somehow negate the possibility of it being blue to make you wrong. The Narcissist may even hint that you have certain psychological issues concerning your thoughts about the sky being blue. The Narcissist will back it up with concerns that your friends, family, or associates have over your “wild allegations” of the sky being BLUE. Then the Narcissist will accuse you of having an affair and using your story of the “blue sky” as a diversion tactic to trick THEM. Finally, that Narcissist will employ punishment and the silent treatment because of your argumentative views, lies and betrayal concerning your “blue sky” story. The Narcissist then runs out to find a little extra supply on the side to betray you since they now have some “free time” after the chaotic and wild “blue sky” story. After a day or so they come back and tell you that IN FACT the sky is blue as if the issue over the blue sky never even came up at all, and you may even get flowers, or dinner, BUT you end up paying for it as usual! OH – and they will tell you that they were taking care of a sick relative and that is why you did not hear from them for that day or so that they disappeared. Do we call this denial on the Narcissist’s part that they are just this delusional or are they just denying us access to them using all of these “crazy and chaotic” diversions that deflect us away from the truth about them so they can get away with everything and anything?

 The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication (their monologue) to divert reality and cause chaos, so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is at the moment and this is always reflected in their words. This agenda is many things, but basically to secure supply, from us and from whoever else is willing to give them supply – it supports their false mask/persona. It took me a while to understand just how this worked, as well as how my Narcissist would divert from every aspect of their life/lifestyle – everything was always a mystery as far as the past and present. Let me put it this way – everything was MEANT to be kept this way so I would never learn the truth about this Narcissist’s abusive past, out-of-control lifestyle, as well as a perverted lifestyle. Any time I would speak to this Narcissist’s mother I would find out about something that this Narcissist had lied about AND I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK because the truth just always seemed to come out on its own. So, you can imagine just how much this Narcissist was lying, re-writing history and every other little diabolical action. I was always kept at a distance from the Narcissist’s family, but of course I was told that I never made an attempt to get to know them. They will always flip that script and use diversion to steer a conversation in their favor!

 Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask, so beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live, and we SUPPORT.

The habit of treating a human being or a person as a means to an end is utilitarian (to satisfy a need or fulfill an AGENDA) and fundamentally an inhumane or a pathological and perverted manipulation of our basic human rights. The Narcissist is feeding their endless ‘depravity void’ through injustice by his/her disregard for others and using them as mere instruments of the Narcissist’s own gratification. The closer the association to a Narcissist the more pathological the Narcissist becomes, and the more damage done to the target/victim. Their needs are far more than just extorting basic life and biological needs – it is their psychological needs that cause the most damage to their target/victim. It is their need to control and gain dominance or power over other people that damage and destroys them. They are BASICALLY human with most of the same biological needs (like eating, breathing and sexuality) but when it comes to mental functions, they are delusional and seem to have a battle that rages in their head to seriously harm people that love them as if they loathe all people and need to destroy them one by one. The key lesson here is to STOP allowing their monologues by empowering yourself with the truth that their world is full of chaos and lacking any reality as far as bonding or connecting with human beings. DO NOT REACT to anything they say and go no/minimal contact to start on your road to recovery. Greg

What they say and what they do are ALWAYS two different things – their words are empty and ‘blanks’ that they use to manipulate a person or situation to THEIR advantage!

What they say and what they do are ALWAYS two different things – their words are empty and ‘blanks’ that they use to manipulate a person or situation to THEIR advantage! They feel completely entitled to everything and anything without ever earning it, working for it, asking for it, or showing ANY appreciation for anything – it is THEIRS to take and pillage! Narcissists view the world as their playground to take whatever they want and never give back – it is ALWAYS and ONLY about them and the deception and destruction they inflict in the process. THEY DO NOT BOND WITH PEOPLE – THEY USE THEM AS OBJECTS AND ABUSE THEM TO KEEP THEM IN PLACE UNTIL THEY HAVE GOTTEN WHAT THEY WANT AND FOUND THEIR NEXT VICTIM!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

What defines a Narcissist? ANYTHING they want that they can create or make up to achieve another agenda or better yet con job. They view or better yet PORTRAY themselves as omnipotent, moralistic, religious as well as many other things that they stamp onto their worldly resume – none of which have any real connection to who and what they are – abusive and destructive predators that want something from EVERY person they come in contact with and they will use whatever they can to CHARM it out of them AND then try to destroy the person they abused. There is no marriage vow, bond, or connection to love that prohibits a Narcissist from doing exactly what they want because there are no consequences they feel internally and really there is NO RELATIONSHIP with them.

It is ABSOLUTELY amazing how a Narcissist can cover their tracks to hide what can only be described as their perverse, toxic, and out-of-control lifestyle. Remember they are not doing this just to be the amazing actors that they are. These are deceptive and abusive personalities that need this disguise to extort people and life using whatever instrument of abuse they can to achieve their agenda – the best word here is that they are cunning like a fox – but always remember that they will attempt to destroy all of their targets/victims to avoid exposure. This is who they are, and it works for them, and they do NOT care who they harm as long as it benefits THEM!

It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism too) HAVEN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who just do not have any closeness or role in their life to see reality of who and what they are. Once you get emotionally close to a narcissist, THEN AND ONLY THEN do you get to see them drop their carefully crafted and charming mask that hides the out-of-control and abusive creature hiding behind it AND that is after they have TOTALLY fooled and conned you.

A Narcissist never looks inward in a manner to see that they have a personality disorder, or that their world is built on lies and appearances – that is merely a clinical definition for us to sort of understand them. Furthermore, they never admit to being wrong, doing anything wrong, or having wronged or destroying the many lives that they do. However, the Narcissists HAS wronged others, be it cheating, lying, manipulation, hurting them emotionally or physically, BUT a Narcissist manages to project blame on and into the targets/victims and everyone around them. They also have their minions and a new supply to support them or filter their lies through, as well as hide behind to avoid exposure.

In fact, the Narcissist will view him/herself as superior or above the rest of humanity. Narcissists do not see themselves as the SELF-SERVING pathological and destructive person that lives their entire life like a parasite using and taking advantage of others, objectifying people, and then moving on once they have been emotionally drained and damaged a person. Nor does the Narcissist see how flimsy their thin veneer of lies, and false credentials are. No instead the Narcissist will project their false image and describe themselves as a hero of sorts or even a saint as far as it concerns humanity and their role here on earth BECAUSE it is their working mechanism in life because otherwise, they are just a huge void! This is part of their disordered and damaged self that enables the Narcissist to live in complete denial of the damage they inflict onto people’s lives. There are no written laws, rules, or regulations that a Narcissist will follow. They are in COMPLETE denial of their false lives! They have absolutely no notion or care as it concerns right and wrong or truth and lies because empathy does not exist in their world and defines their personality disorder.

The Narcissist considers him/herself above the norms of goodness and elude or defer that any of their action’s borderline being outright evil toward others. That is the double-edged sword that they attack the world with. The truth is that their lives are all about double standards or what serves them – if it wasn’t for double standards, they would not have ANY standards at all. A Narcissist will stand tall and preach about morality as if all cheaters should burn twice in hell, but as he/she is giving their lecture from the pulpit they are also surveying the room to find a little extra supply to have on the side. But the Narcissist is not a cheater in their mind – they are DESERVING because they are special and above reprise for their actions in life.

The real definition of a Narcissist is that of a creature that is so preoccupied and focused on their every desire, pleasure and need that it completely blinds the Narcissist from reality and self-blame. The Narcissist re-writes reality to fit his/her delusions and with every taker AND it is like the Narcissist winning the lottery when they find a new target to extort and harm. They relish the chase and kill and love the spoils they have stolen from the very people that treated them with kindness, love, and respect! CLARITY is what saves us and moves us onto recovery. Knowledge, education, support, and NO/Minimal contact! Greg

Fake does not completely and accurately describe a Narcissist it is a FRACTION of what they are because with this we must also consider their destructive and abusive behaviors.

Fake does not completely and accurately describe a Narcissist it is a FRACTION of what they are because with this we must also consider their destructive and abusive behaviors. Let’s add THESE to the list – manipulative, emotionally and psychologically abusive, pathological liar, predator after a target, and personality disordered sums it up better – but FAKE is a tool of their trade. The journey to understanding WHY and HOW they take us from CHARM to HARM. I want to really to drive these points home so we can understand how we fell down this rabbit hole and right into this abuser’s grasp.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist is a master of FAKE emotions and empathy with a phony façade and life to match. They appear to take you in, care about you, understand everything you are experiencing, and they appear to genuinely put themselves in your shoes to understand “YOU” with acceptance and unconditional love. They observe and react with that resounding smile, approval, and unconditional care and love. All of this causes you to let your guard down and honestly believe there is a genuine give-and-take in your relationship and a love that exists that is just for you. It is overwhelming to meet someone that is so much like you, so connected to your thoughts, and so reactive to meet your every need that you BELIEVE in them completely. BUT once they gain your trust, they will pounce on you. They wait until you are perfectly comfortable with them, and your guard is completely down or even perhaps having a low moment in your life and now the time has come to manage you down and to control you to manage the business at hand or secure the supply they came for. How do they do this? Through that amazing connection they created with us – what we did not expect is that THEY were also unlocking our insecurities, our likes and dislikes, our personal secrets, and anything else they could use AGAINST us in the second phase of this so-called relationship or the devaluation phase to control us – or the HARM phase!

What would you do if you were completely void of love and empathy, how would you interact in the normal world? Without emotions or the ability to bond you would have to control people to trap them into your defective world so you could essentially fit in and get/take what you need that you can’t accomplish on your own. Narcissists perfectly execute an emotional and psychological attack on their victim because their purpose is to wear you down, to humiliate you, and make you feel small and inferior and dependent on them OR again control. A Narcissist is not going to allow you to have feelings for YOURSELF and they are going to make you believe you are selfish and wrong for wanting ANY attention. There is no such thing as YOUR needs or individuality, and they basically erase your personality bit by bit. They want what they want, and they have invested their time to mold you into a viable source of supply. Narcissists do not tolerate individuality because people are objects for them to use as they see fit. There is nothing more here than their agenda coming to fruition, and you have to understand that THIS IS ALL IT WAS. Predator after their prey using camouflage to hide the truth to trap you – or that façade and mask. The simple truth is that a person that cannot relate to emotions or empathy cannot relate to another human being in the smallest way.

A Narcissist ALWAYS loves to make you feel that YOU are crazy, especially if you try to confront them, make them accountable, bring up past issues or behaviors, or expose them when they are doing something appalling or lying. Basically, YOU are told that you have an overactive imagination, you don’t know what you are talking about, they have NO idea what you are talking about, or that you are simply making things up to cause problems. They will tell you that it is obvious that YOU are the one who is crazy (and tell you that everyone around you agrees with them about you being crazy). FURTHERMORE, they will claim not to remember any of these events, even flatly deny that they ever happened, and will NEVER accept the possibility that they might have forgotten. Your perceptions of normalcy and reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your own intuition, memory, processing your thoughts, or reasoning, AND constantly confused. The Narcissist is a master at spinning everything and deflecting to remain in control and keeping you vulnerable!

The Narcissist will up the game to include destroying your soul, your ego, your accomplishments, and any belief system you have to completely manage you down to feeling worthless. The way the game is played is for them to try to turn everything about you and everything you do, into a complete failure. The Narcissist has the reasoning of a child – but they act out like a controlling, demanding, and demeaning parent (more so toxic). No matter what your real age, you are never allowed to reach a viable emotional age with them especially one that allows for your individuality or growth with them. You will always be treated like a stupid child, a bad child, a silly child, etc., and you will always be reprimanded and put in your place to honor them completely and NEVER question them! Consistent managing down is what all this amounts to!

Everything with a Narcissist is competitive and every life situation is a competition that requires “one-upmanship”, to beat their opponent. It always involves a “payoff” for the Narcissist that is ALWAYS about them getting something or extorting everything they can and devaluing and hurting you somehow too. They feel superior within their ability to con, control, and destroy. Again, their delusional world is like a battleground with them against us because everybody and everything is a threat – be it real or perceived. They keep track of real AND imaginary things you do, have done, or might do. It is a reactionary relationship with them BUT you are the one that always must explain your every word and action to them and made accountable when you are not serving their every whim and need!

Lastly what supports their lies is complete DENIAL. It is important to recognize that the Narcissist will never acknowledge that any games are being played AND the important point here is that it is up to YOU to stop playing. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to fix them, the situation or heal them! You will always be told you are wrong, they are right, and that you are in need of some serious help. You can’t get them to acknowledge or take responsibility for their words or actions because they will always say they didn’t do it or it never happened. They must or else face real accountability and retribution for their actions and then their gig would be up, so they deflect with more lies, more manipulation, and punishing, silencing, and abusing you! They will destroy you completely to avoid exposure.

The main point here is that what I described is a Narcissist and how they abuse. They are not fully functioning human beings. They do not connect on ANY level with human beings except to use them as supply. We can describe this as a superficial relationship, but it goes far beyond superficial because it is a toxic and destructive relationship that will completely drain you and disable you and your belief system. Your responsibility is to get your ‘ah ha’ moment and understand that they are the defective ones that emotionally and psychologically inflicted some deep wounds that have severely affected your psyche. BUT that is where you start on your road to recovery. There is another type of healing that involves your personal emotional wounds that the Narcissist sourced out and used against you. Healing involves you and only you closing all of those wounds permanently through your personal journey or recovery!

Whatever that Narcissist has said to you that has deeply hurt you or wounded you is NOT a real observation, it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you and define you. They were so supportive in the beginning, but that was also to gain your trust and the knowledge of your weaknesses to use against you. You opened your amazing heart along with all of your wounds and gave them the opportunity to find any and all of your weaknesses AND they were looking for them. They DO NOT have the ability to understand pain, sorrow, being vulnerable or apply empathy – they only want access to your weaknesses to use them against you or to CONTROL you.

This is what we must heal within us or those weaknesses that they have constantly pointed out because they are real and within us and now, they have made them come to the surface so much so that we lost our worth and trusting our own reality. They are master game players and used their keen perception to always be on top of their game. They took these weaknesses and embellished them to even make you think you were mentally ill and even fear yourself and your way of thinking. It is a very sick game that these Narcissists play, BUT it is a game that requires other players, and you have to totally opt out of participating! They will attack you at any and every level they can, even making fun of you physically and they can be VERY cruel! You will ask why and how they can do this – well again because they have no empathy, no care, no connection, no bond, no morals, and no love for any other human being or they are personality disorder AND they were after something – that is your complete answer. Please internalize and KNOW this! ALSO, please understand that you still ARE that amazing person, and this was situational abuse and you will recover with knowledge, education and support. No/minimal contact to start out on your journey to recovery! Greg

A Narcissist will keep recycling us into this abuse with their careful and highly manipulative words that really deflect from the truth of who and what they are. They will divert from the truth of their conflicted reality by adding a little bit more of that charm, an apology, or whatever they need to do to always hide the truth – and the REASON WHY – to keep us hanging on because they still need SOMETHING from you! Nothing has really changed because they have been doing this diversion tactic at every level of the relationship in some form or fashion.

A Narcissist will keep recycling us into this abuse with their careful and highly manipulative words that really deflect from the truth of who and what they are. They will divert from the truth of their conflicted reality by adding a little bit more of that charm, an apology, or whatever they need to do to always hide the truth – and the REASON WHY – to keep us hanging on because they still need SOMETHING from you! Nothing has really changed because they have been doing this diversion tactic at every level of the relationship in some form or fashion.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Here is where the big game of manipulation begins and repeats itself OVER and OVER again to keep you in their orbit until THEY are done with YOU. They snuggle right up to your emotions and mimic them to create an amazing connection. Add to the equation that they are charming, and intoxicating – they continually seduce their prey into their lair with lies and manipulation. They create a perfect connection with us and seriously it is only a story and one written precisely for us. It is a calculated move on the Narcissist’s part to figure out exactly how to find a place in our mind AND heart through their extreme manipulation. They are quite good at it because they have fooled us or better yet conned us to get us to a place where they will take advantage of our trust AND generosity. To a Narcissist it is just another day with no real thought or remorse to any of their adverse actions. They want something so they go after it and there are no rules or laws that they abide by as it concerns any harm that they cause to people. Do not forget that there is also NO empathy, so they do not know how to care, have a real friendship, or love – they do not even have a clue what it feels like, but interestingly enough they mimic it very well and will support it as long as we are viable sources of supply. What an amazing and well thought out plan a Narcissist develops and uses to secure their supply that shouts out PREDATOR!

OK, so here is what we clinically understand about Narcissists: They lie, they are purely vindictive, they look down on everybody, they refuse to accept any responsibility, they are two-faced backstabbers, they live by no rules or laws, they prefer laughing at people rather than with them, they are pathological bullies, they are very childlike, they believe that no matter what happens they will prevail because they see themselves as invincible, they believe that whatever bad things they do they deserve forgiveness, they NEVER do anything wrong in their eyes, they are fearless and non-caring to the point of being insanely unrealistic with their delusional attacks, their lies, and personal attacks including their smear campaign, they are obsessed with their fantasies about power, success and wealth, they are incapable of compromise and need to win, they thrive on evoking reactions and emotions – both negative or positive because it gives them a Narcissistic high, chaos rules their life, they are out-of-control with their needs to secure supply from all people, they cheat on all of their partners, they break down their target/victim’s will through constant dehumanization and brainwashing to make them feel like they are the negative entity in the relationship and worthless.

They are NOT capable of bonding, a relationship, and especially “real” love as normal people know it. They constantly manipulate people to go against their own values willingly, they USE them as puppets, pawns and commodities with positive and negative manipulation and schemes. They burn people out and then move onto their next victim, furthermore they do not value people, do not miss them or love them because that involves bonding emotionally at various levels and the ability to bond at ANY level is completely MISSING – THEY ONLY USE PEOPLE for personal gain and rewards! No/minimal contact always. Greg

So VERY important to understand WHY they do this and that is to avoid exposure that THEY are ABUSERS!  Backstabbing and smearing – the Narcissist’s pre-emptive attack on our lives. FIRST, because we all have an expiration date with them – so they have to implement an escape plan that will give THEM the cover to run. Second (with the ‘first’ in mind) they MUST – destroy you and I so they avoid ANY accountability or exposure for being abusive to us.

So VERY important to understand WHY they do this and that is to avoid exposure that THEY are ABUSERS! Backstabbing and smearing – the Narcissist’s pre-emptive attack on our lives. FIRST, because we all have an expiration date with them – so they have to implement an escape plan that will give THEM the cover to run. Second (with the ‘first’ in mind) they MUST – destroy you and I so they avoid ANY accountability or exposure for being abusive to us.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Many, if not all Narcissists get away with psychological terrorism and they murder their targets self-esteem, mind, and soul – it is part of their agenda after they have gotten all that they came for. Be it bullying, slander, or abuse, they are all things that should be prosecutable offenses and they do this all of their lives. So just how do they get away with it all without any consequences AND why do people believe them? WELL, first off because the Narcissist KNOWS that they are creating outrageous and dehumanizing acts against people and humanity, so they also think up ways to avoid the consequences, especially because of what they fear the most – EXPOSURE!

The big plan! That shrewd Narcissist destroys the victim’s credibility in advance. They are by far NOT geniuses, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you want to get away with abusing someone, you first launch an effective pre-emptive attack on their character, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when the truth finally starts emerging that they (target/victim) were abused. Here is the formula for the Narcissist to be successful at this – abuse and then accuse your target/victim of the very atrocity the Narcissist has committed and BOOM you are on top of your game to escape the exposure. They have been backstabbing/smearing us behind our backs from the very first day that we met them – but we were very distracted by the ‘love bombing’ and growing trust with this creature – just us being a normal and empathic human being. Meanwhile that dark Narcissistic creature was just plugging us into their cycle of abuse and building up their minions, flying monkeys or Narcissistic support soldiers.

So, people believe the monster first. The more preposterous the Narcissist’s accusations, the more firmly people believe them because they got there first spreading their poisonous lies! It is like when a child comes forward with accusations of abuse, people are going to (or basically must) believe the child to get to the truth about the allegations. Any and all preposterous accusations will always yield strong attention to the subject matter because you just can’t walk away from such a dangerous and damaging situation without offering support because it would seem if the person listening didn’t care or lacked the empathy to help the lying Narcissist out. Just the shrewd monster acting out their destructive agenda.

The disordered narcissist commits moral mayhem by destroying the victim’s reputation and credibility, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when they start to tell the truth. Truthfully, this description of mayhem that the Narcissist used to destroy the target/victim’s integrity is purely projection, so the Narcissist gets a bonus by dumping their demons onto us as well! Thus, with the Narcissist this pre-emptive backstabbing and smear campaign, allows the narcissist to reduce the target/victim to such a vulnerable and helpless state that it compounds the abuse at the highest level by accusing the target/victim of being the abuser as well. Remember that the Narcissist used the ‘familiarity’ of knowing us personally to ‘be in the know’ about many of our situations and that familiarity will yield semi-valid but distorted ‘personal’ connections to events and other people. In other words, their smear campaigns will be laced with small bits and pieces of a distorted truth that listeners can relate to.

So, what a Narcissist puts into motion is pathologically treating us like dirt and maligning us behind our backs to control and destroy us. They are predators that are pre-loaded with delusion, psychopathy, and abuse. This seriously puts Narcissists in their own special class with Psychopaths or like a branch from the same Psychopath tree. The class of people who do not wish you or any other human being any sense of well-being, no matter what or how friendly, caring or loving their façade is. This is the same class of predators as physical, sexual or ANY other kind of abusive predator and Narcissists are just as dangerous. Seriously we MUST internalize Narcissists really are predators and dangerous, but many people just do not appreciate the true meaning or the reality of Narcissistic abuse basically letting it in one ear and out the other as the saying goes!

So, if you get to know a Narcissist’s history, you will usually see a track record of destruction followed by mysterious upheavals in their life – but the Narcissist will lie and blame every other person, and citing every possible excuse they can. Truth be told the coward ran in the other direction because the good people (past targets/victims) started comparing notes and got the disordered Narcissist’s number, became enraged and exposed the truth. Narcissists really keep their past separated from the present and the future. Never be silent about this abuse because too many people have been harmed by these creatures – even their own biological children and family. If they are forced out of the darkness, and made accountable for their actions, they would be forced to stop their abuse or run like the cowards they really are. No/minimal contact always to end the madness! Greg

Let’s really understand how they MANAGE US DOWN to diminish us, harm, us, confuse us, and control us!

Let’s really understand how they MANAGE US DOWN to diminish us, harm, us, confuse us, and control us! ‘MANAGING DOWN’ putting more of the puzzle pieces together to understand this abuse! The Narcissist uses a distorted form of conditioning or manipulation making you believe you are OK and then you are not OK, and they use this just like you are a Yo-Yo to keep you off balance with all of the ups and downs – BUT always making you go to a lower level feeling blameworthy and worthless!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

When we are attempting to relate to a Narcissist our interactions with them are basically manipulated into reactions that a Narcissist provokes by basically charming or love bombing our emotions positively or the direct opposite with negative reactions that put us on the defensive where we are basically having to always explain ourselves and made to feel wrong or even worthless. It is primarily about the negative reactions to gain control over their victim. It all stems from their shrewd interrogation techniques they used on us where they have gained all kinds of personal information that they have stored away in their memory for future use to Charm or Harm us. It is part of their big game plan or knowing the right or wrong things to get a reaction from their victim! All that information is significant and right there in their head and they will use it against us in some manner to get the response they want or to fulfill one of their many needs.

A Narcissist knows how to manipulate something in a way that makes us feel like we must justify or explain ourselves and our position – or in other words to keep us constantly off balance. They will make any conversation escalate into an argument by pushing the right buttons. Call it ‘bait and switch,’ or a diversionary tactic but they know how to manipulate your mood and emotions with their well-placed words. They are so good at this that it will make us feel angst or even get angry and then we end up looking like the crazy one because of how we react to the craziness. This is purposely baiting us to react and a routine they use regularly on their targets/victims. They will even try to elicit our anger in front of an audience, if possible, to really make it effective! More than likely, we feel embarrassed by our own actions and reflect on OUR behavior but never realize that we have been managed down by the shrewd Narcissist!

Communicating in itself with a Narcissist is impossible as far as reality is concerned so it follows that arguing or debating with them should be avoided at all costs because it will only provoke them into an attack and RAGE. So, in reality we shouldn’t communicate or even talk to them BUT unfortunately, we didn’t know this at the time we were dealing with them. If we could have only kept our innermost thoughts and feelings private, we would have saved ourselves so much of this disabling distress. Unfortunately, we trusted these individuals and divulged things because we believed in them so they earned our trust, but in essence they manipulated us into trusting them to fulfill their manipulative agenda and they know our secrets as well and that is dangerous because they will embellish our weaknesses and make us hyperaware of them.

Narcissists have many tools in their arsenal or weapons that they use to constantly keep us in a state of despair and confused – or in that ‘fog.’ A Narcissist has been this way for a very long time, and they just go into autopilot to make the negative things happen that they need to stay in control and manage you and everyone down and in turn they feel powerful or better. Conversations are very calculated and manipulated with Illogical arguments and distorted views that definitely wreak havoc on your mental faculties. Narcissists must constantly do this to avoid falling into the depths of their own disordered reality, or the awareness of just how sick they really are so everything is basically a diversion to control us and their environment. So, by playing these ridiculous and irrational mind games they think they raise themselves out of that dark world where they actually reside by tearing someone else down and walking all over that other person’s emotions and trampling down all of their boundaries – purely crazy or ‘crazy making.’ Think of bullies that have to put other people down or harm them so that they feel superior, but with a Narcissist this is all encompassing as far as their personality is concerned – as a matter of fact it IS THEIR COMPLETE being. They must malign everybody in their world and keep this absurd control mechanism going so they can survive.

Here is an example: Say you have an argument with a close friend or family member. You look for support in your partner (the Narcissist) feeling you can trust their opinion. The Narcissist will use this opportunity to turn the situation around onto you or basically blaming you by purposely taking the side of the person you are discussing (whether you are right or wrong). They may tell you that you are overreacting, too sensitive, or outright agree with the third party. The conversation is not meant to help or enlighten you to fix the situation – it is meant to manage you down, so you feel like you are WRONG!

They are essentially processing their victims which basically amounts to sucking the spirit right out of them, feeding off the negativity, and the constant managing down that they do to their target/victims that destroys their self-respect – and all of this is done to be in complete control! So, apply the logic here and that is how the Narcissist gets THEIR self-respect, by stealing or taking it away from others. Yes, it sounds absurd but basically it describes what a bully does to overpower people and feel some sort of superiority because they themselves are totally insecure. It is despicable in itself that they infiltrate our world to harm us, but how they get us there to trust and listen to them is even more despicable because they manufacture a fake love first, so we develop emotions for them and then use this against us as part of the BIG con or agenda.

So, in essence they also play this game to fight off the awareness of what a contemptible thing their conduct has made them. They are not powerful; they are NEGATIVE and use this as a weapon to control and harm the very people that love them. So, we constantly ask ourselves why do they do this, why did they pretend to love us to devalue us. WHY, why, why? Because these are very dysfunctional and miserable creatures that have extreme envy and even hate at the core of their disorder. You can’t put a real spin on this that would ever explain the why because they are disordered BUT you can see a clear picture, or a reality shot of the complete game they play, and it is destructive. With that in mind you must actualize the very truth that your very survival and recovery depends on getting them OUT of your life forever or they will keep pulling you down further and further until it is almost impossible to get back up.

So, let us just say that they ward off awareness of their extreme neediness by projecting most of it off and onto their target/victim – this is a diversion to keep you off balance and to make them feel powerful. But it is a vicious cycle with them because their existence will constantly challenge them and their illusions of their superiority – or basically the delivery of their contempt is ever-changing. Normal people can’t coexist in this parasitic relationship, especially one where your individuality is denied, and you are consistently managed down to question your own sanity. The Narcissist destroys every relationship because of their vast insecurities and need to win and feel superior. It is a dysfunctional cycle where they take every person from idealization to discard or from ‘charm to harm’ to achieve their dose of life sustaining supply. You must understand that this Narcissist is nothing even near happy or full of the charm they exude. Their inner mind is so riddled with their insecurities and an insatiable need for external attention to survive. It completely rules their world, and you can NEVER reach them because there is NO ‘them.’ They are stuck in this dysfunctional defensive mode and the slightest insult can send them into a major Narcissist injury, so WE pay the price and always have a ‘bullseye’ on our back! They are NOT fit for human interaction.

All of this managing down is also done in a manner to create a strong dependence on them (the Narcissist.) They isolate you from the world and make you beg for their approval. They have to control their target/victims to stay in control or else that mask would come flying of and that monster behind it would be out of control and they would be hauled off and locked away in a cage.

I have said this MANY times before: PLEASE understand that the feeling of worthlessness that the Narcissist creates in your psyche is more PERCEIVED than real OR what the Narcissist says and does to make you FEEL like this worthless person that NEEDS them. There is no ‘them’ and they know this so they have to create a façade that they can’t keep up because there is nothing to back it up with internally, so they have to also manage you down to weaken you, so you are always diverted from the truth of how damaged they are. They have slowly but surely trained you to beg for their approval through manipulation and managing you down. Human beings love unconditionally but that implies that they are individuals that deserve reciprocation and individualism. Within that we voice concerns and at times disagree with one another and work through things. If you point out an error A Narcissist made, they go into defensive mode to counter any such notion with anger, venting, rage, cold-shoulder, silencing, and punishing. There is no such thing as reciprocity with a Narcissist because you are NOT an individual interacting with them – you are an object for them to use that serves a specific purpose.

A Narcissist will make you feel special and then emotionally distance themselves from you in so many ways that keep you unsure of yourself – THEY ARE NOT VIABLE PARTNERS IN ANY TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP because they are damaged. Virtually all their ideas or the way they are behaving in any given situation are stolen from others, perhaps people they know and think of as superior – they have many copycat personalities that they use to create any and all of their many facades. People are basically servants to them, and Narcissists are blowhards, braggers, browbeaters, bullies, big-headed, but totally bogus. They will very rarely talk about their inner life, memories and dreams, or emotions BECAUSE THEY HAVE NONE! Narcissists demand your trust rather than earning it. They only see you as extensions of themselves and you are not allowed any individuality and freedom. They fail to recognize people’s emotions and feelings because all they can recognize are their own needs and wants. There is no substance to them other than a façade, lies and what they manipulate from life and people. To sum it up – they are emotional and psychological abusers! No/minimal contact to free yourself from this abuse and to move forward to a healthy lifestyle. Greg

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