Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out as well as making you believe you are losing it or you have many issues in an effort to take you down as low as they can and control you. If they can make YOU wrong, then they are right and always have the upper hand or in CONTROL!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
So what about that ‘love’ and WHERE DID IT GO? Until the fact sinks in that their time with us or anybody is never a ‘relationship’, but instead more of a pathological parasite feeding off of you/us, you just won’t “get” Malignant Narcissism. You will keep acting on the premise that the Narcissist has some feelings ‘JUST’ for you, or some sort of conscience, morals, ‘cares for’ or even loves you – and that premise couldn’t be further from the truth AND part of the scam. It NEVER makes sense to you, so you keep blaming yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to do as if everything is your fault and you are the problem AND that is also conditioning so you will keep giving more and more.
Beyond this, you are always wondering whether it is you, or it is YOU that has temporarily lost your ability to relate NORMALLY in your relationship, or better yet you are crazy like your Narcissist is telling you. NO, no, no, no, no, no – it is the Narcissist that is ‘crazy’ or clinically has the ‘personality disorder’. Well it is classified as a personality disorder but still in all it is CRAZY behavior or better yet dehumanizing, demeaning, debasing, and destructive behavior to make you think YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. Control is power to an abuser so whether you are attacked physically with a fist or attacked mentally with hideous, destructive and manipulating words, it is abuse from a disordered person, AND one that is not a fully functioning human being that lacks total empathy and love for their fellow man/womankind. You don’t intentionally CONTROL, harm, hurt, or destroy any creature on this planet for ANY REASON and these creatures do it every waking moment of their lives. This is WHO and WHAT they are!
Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down, keep you off balance, and under their control UNTIL they have gotten everything they came for (used you up as supply and found your replacement)!
Attacking your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your “buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.” It is about getting the desired reaction or result that they want from you.
The Narcissist can and will even go so far as always threatening your security with them which could include ending the relationship if you do not conform, dating other people, affairs, silencing or use other controlling terrorist/fear tactics. Basically the Narcissist is saying change and conform or else – BUT WHAT DO YOU NEED TO CHANGE?
They are very unpredictable with their day to day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable/normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion, off balance, OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos and gas-lighting!).
This behavior is damaging and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused and controlled waiting for the Narcissist’s next outburst or drastic mood swing. YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO act so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is control to keep you constantly disabled.
They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain CONTROL over you. Be it making fun of us, belittling us, criticizing us, name calling, screaming at us, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making us the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you and keep you feeling unsure. They have to have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.
Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above). You feel totally LOST in all of this and full of anxiety and even depressed. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must do or else it is wrong and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in most of the time. But no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs. You put on your own fake persona when you are around them to protect yourself at all costs and avoid the negativity.
Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to constantly feel confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!
A Narcissist doesn’t acknowledge individuality or even like other people (remember we are just objects to use.) Along with this premise the Narcissist doesn’t care about being liked – THEY DEMAND to be admired, feared, and favored, (as well as completely extorting their targets to get supply.) They don’t care about getting along with people, and a Narcissist is no more capable of considering the consequences of their actions than a rock would. There is no consideration for anybody or anything with a Narcissist and nothing is ever about whatever it REALLY is, instead it is always all about their omnipotence, superiority or ego instead or their fake façade. They HAVE to exploit EVERY single interaction with us to gratify THEIR needy ego at your expense or even DESTRUCTION. There’s no end to it. It’s exasperating and you never get through that brick wall a Narcissist throws up in front of you constantly, so always remember how much time you have tried to break down barriers to “fix” things. Everything would just bounce back to you as more blame and shame from the Narcissist. It was a relationship that was meant to deny you every bit of gratification from the Narcissist and instead “taking” every bit of gratification (supply) they could for their vast needy void.
This is the reality with a Malignant Narcissist be it a wife, husband, partner, brother, sister, friend, mother, father, co-worker, professional, or whomever. There is never ANY type of a real relationship, connection, love, bonding or REALITY – just time lost with a disordered, destructive, and abusive person and great loss. There is no closure to this abuse because there is no real person so we only have the sad truth to embrace to start us out on a realistic path of recovery AND yes heal and join life again. ANY interaction with a Narcissist is ALWAYS damaging and destructive to people – that is why we are all here sharing to educate and help resolve these issues with all targets.
No Contact – shut these monsters and the vermin that are their minions or supporters out of your life completely so you can live again because there is no reality living with them only destruction! Water always finds its level – and these creatures do meet up with their karma just by the process of intentionally hurting so many people (and family) and everybody just avoids them completely. You may not always see it like a huge lit up billboard that says “This Narcissist met their Karma,” but look under a few rocks and you will find them there alone and in the darkness that they only created for themselves! What is really important is YOU and moving forward so you must leave this Narcissist behind and NEVER look back. Always no or minimal contact first. Greg
There is no “one” real person inside of a Narcissist that is fully functioning or normal, instead there are many made up facsimiles of people they use to cover up their dark reality to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people. SO, it follows that there is no proper internal mechanism that exists or functions as it relates to a Narcissist having a normal and functioning ‘personality’ that can relate in a healthy manner with the outside world and the people in it.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
A Narcissist clearly crosses the boundaries of defying another person’s human rights and dignity along every line of life, so much so it is clearly classified as emotional and psychological abuse. They tear down a person’s psychological well-being in such an insidious manner that the target becomes completely vulnerable, unprotected and attacked like a predator chasing and tiring out its prey to immobilize it.
A Narcissist is completely pathological in every single aspect of how they relate to the people and world around them. Unfortunately, their world is completely delusional, one in which they do not allow individuality because they are absolute rulers (dictators) in that world. The unfortunate fact is that a Narcissist needs people in their lives to SURVIVE but they just don’t ‘like’ or ‘relate’ to people so it is a hideous, demeaning, debasing, ANGRY, and abusive coexistence that we get TRAPPED into. They do not have ‘relationships’ by any normal means, they live among us like fictional zombies that are after our ‘brains,’ BUT the NARCISSIST is after us for supply. They do this by disabling our ability to function normally because they attack our thought processes with extreme measures like gas-lighting, brainwashing, manipulation, and betrayal – ALL abusive measures.
This is especially apparent with their ‘people skills’ or lack thereof. They have no viable or normal functioning interpersonal skills with anyone and it is all about their needs and manipulating everyone to get what they want. So with that function being completely null/void and DEAD, it follows that they have absolutely NO ability to relate to another human being in any normal manner, especially as it concerns empathy, compassion or LOVE. SO, how do they seem so real? They would be more like a parrot that can repeat a phrase that it has learned by hearing it over and over again to get their treat. A Narcissist repeats actions, words, and imitates our thoughts just like that parrot that wants a cracker for its reward – but generally the parrot will not malign the ‘hands that feed it’ and enjoys the company of other people – not so with the Narcissist because they mean business and are with us to GET WHAT THEY WANT OR ELSE. The Narcissist DECIDES what a person’s function will be as one of their targets or victims AND as it DIRECTLY relates to whatever the Narcissists needs from this new target are and what the Narcissist will morph into to achieve this conquest. This is what amounts to the extreme manipulation starting out with their love bombing and then the brain-washing, gas-lighting, lying, cheating, extorting, harm, destruction, etc., etc., OR ‘in a nutshell’ the psychological abuse they inflict onto their target/victim.
There is no “one” real person inside of them that is fully functioning or normal, instead there are many made up facsimiles of people they use to cover up their dark reality to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people. SO, it follows that there is no proper internal mechanism that exists or functions as it relates to a Narcissist having a normal and functioning ‘personality’ that can relate in a healthy manner with the outside world and the people in it. The reality that exists (and I am very loosely using that word reality) is a thin veneer or skin that is like a mask and costume they CREATE and wear that corresponds with their needs at any given moment TO TRAP ANOTHER TARGET/VICTIM. It is very interchangeable at any given moment as well, so it fools the rest of the world and protects the Narcissist from being EXPOSED as the abusive person that they are. Remember that Narcissist has many disguises they have used on people so they ALSO have their supporters that believe the Narcissist is AMAZING!
They are like a chameleon that is able to change the color of its skin to match its environment and they are amazingly adept at this. The Narcissist disengages, detaches, or un-knows their dark inner self and easily identifies with something external and creates (or wears) this projected ‘good’ image instead – and there you have it a different person for every different ‘need’. That need is usually to trick their targets and use them as ‘Narcissistic Supply’ and just a major component of their survival (again they need us for SUPPLY.) Basically, their functioning image is the biggest lie that this extortionist uses in their arsenal of deceit or ABUSE. Or as my friend said ‘compartmentalization’ – they compartmentalize us to fit the many different and exacting needs they have for each of us.
Now that is pretty messed up! The relationship with yourself, or the one that requires a conscience, morals, empathy, a soul, etc., is an important relationship to be lacking COMPLETELY, and pretty much a requirement or prerequisite to being a functioning human being and living life NORMALLY with others. If you don’t relate to your own self or your life in a healthy matter, how can you relate to anyone else in a ‘healthy manner?’ JUST MY POINT – a Narcissist lacks the mechanisms needed to be a ‘fully functioning human being’ so they invent what they need as they go along in life and we play along or join in unknowingly with their toxic and destructive game. It is how they survive because they NEED US to be able to survive and live amongst us daily because for now we are still the majority here on this planet. BASICALLY, we are here to supply them OR fulfill their every need, be it financially as in a career, sexually to fulfill their physical needs, familial so ‘they’ have a proper ‘face’ to appear ‘normal, moral and ethical’, friends to help them shore up their façade and believe their ‘lies’, or whatever they can harvest and use from people to fill in the huge VOID that they are. None of us serve anything more OR are more than a “bit part” in the Narcissist deranged and disordered life. We function to serve a specified need the Narcissist has at a specific time, AND they may have multiple relationships going on at once to secure all the supply they can get – but we are none the wiser!
A Narcissist lacks all social graces in the most extreme ways because underneath their ‘seductive’ façade, they don’t honor any human rights, respect individuality, or obey any written law. They live life in an extremely pathological and abusive manner. They imitate a functioning human being and take everything they want and need through some extreme and manipulative methods. They also get bored easily with their conquests SINCE they lack the mechanisms to form healthy bonds (and decisions), so they STRAY very easily to keep the excitement and adulation flowing in their world – lets just say that their world is completely ‘out of control!’ Now it is bad enough they are life’s extortionists but they also seem to loathe all healthy loving people that would dare express their individuality, question them or demand accountability, so they lose their patience with us quickly and psychologically attack our minds in an effort to destroy our life as we know it so THEY CAN CONTROL US. Like any other bully you have to disengage from the Narcissist because if you don’t they will only attack you in unimaginable ways to destroy your integrity as well as your life – they have to win the battle they have with life, people and essentially the WHOLE world! You will ‘seemingly’ end up being the crazy one and the abuser because they will make you out to be everything bad/wrong just like a psycho bully would react to remove any blame from themselves and pass it onto you, basically their back-stabbing and smear campaign. Not a very pretty package at all. Just always remember, you haven’t done ANYTHING wrong to deserve this because they don’t function like other human beings. They don’t even have a clue what liking, caring or LOVING is so they live without it by pretending they know it so well, but you CAN’T pretend to love especially when you have no morals and it catches up with the Narcissist very quickly. No/minimal contact to start out on your journey to recovery! Greg
It is just NOT falling out of this distorted and desperate love it is recovering from it – the trauma that occurs as a result of a severely distressing relationship or emotional and psychological abuse from a Narcissist.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
One of the most debilitating aspects of this abuse that is so damaging to targets/victims is the trauma or even post-traumatic stress disorder that is associated with a Narcissist and the emotional and psychological abuse! Here is a quick and clinical type definition of trauma – basically it means ‘injured’ AND the direct result of an overwhelming amount of stress/anxiety that exceeds a person’s ability to cope or integrate the emotions involved with that experience. A traumatic event can involve one experience, or repeated events with the sense of being overwhelmed that can be delayed by weeks, years, or even decades as the person struggles to cope with the immediate circumstances. Eventually this can lead to serious AND long-term negative consequences that can even be overlooked by mental health professionals especially if emotional and psychological abuse is at the root of problem but not actualized as trauma inducing in the diagnosis. Remember trauma is not always diagnosed by the victim because they have been so managed down AND they do not have a background in psychology to self-diagnose so basically they think something is personally wrong with them but they also blame themselves in the process and try to accommodate.
This is very important for targets/victims of this abuse because if the therapist or clinician fails to look to trauma as a diagnosis to isolate ALL of the problems as they relate to ‘current or past trauma,’ they may fail to see that victims young and old, organize much of their lives around the repetitive patterns of reliving and warding off traumatic memories, reminders, and affects. This is very true for many targets/victims that have not addressed the trauma correctly and the negative messages and THEN the associated trauma becomes imprinted on their minds for many years and they live with that feeling of being stuck or frozen in time. The trauma will trigger memories of the abuse pull the target/victim right back into the debilitating feelings associated with the abuse which can surface in many different ways. This may not always be on a conscious level but in the sub-conscious where it is always available unless we disable it and enable our old and real belief systems that life is good and safe.
If I could give an example of a devastating shooting at a school where lives are lost. What is the first thing that is done after the event? The school provides the surviving students with trauma counselors so that the trauma doesn’t manifest itself in the survivor’s lives forever. Overcoming this hopelessness from the trauma doesn’t happen overnight, it takes intervention, hard work and awareness or defining it for what it is – TRAUMA. No one ever imagines they will be a witness to a terrible shooting, nor do we believe we will be in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship with a Narcissist, but both are real and both yield terrible trauma. We are aware that these situations can happen, but we don’t have the tools right there with us to recover if we DO experience such a traumatic event. It also takes a willingness to try, fail and persisting to get through this. Most importantly, it takes a strong will to have self-compassion to fix yourself and to move forward with help. Another important aspect is realizing that the Narcissist is not part of this equation because they were/are the attacker or perpetrator in this situation that acted out in the abusive manner AND usually the victim cared for or loved them AND may still be living with them. As personal as this situation was, as well as how this love felt familiar and real, you are still dealing with a highly-disordered creature and a predator. This is self-help not yourself and the Narcissist’s help to recover. They will only bring more trauma into your life and pull you back into the abuse as long as they are a part of your life.
A little bit of a lesson of the basics of a NORMAL relationship. Normal bonding with people is a biological and emotional process that makes people more important to each other over time and GROW together in many different capacities. Unlike love, trust, or attraction, bonding is not something that we can just let go of immediately or abruptly stopped at will. It is cumulative process or better yet only grows and increases in time but rarely decreases. Bonding naturally grows with spending time together, living together, eating together, being physical, having children together, and even during stressful times or difficulty. Bad times will even bond people just as strongly as good times, and sometimes more so. However, when dealing with a Narcissist you are not dealing with reality or even a real person – you are dealing with a master manipulator, predator and abuser – THAT is what traumatizes the victim or the extreme betrayal that the truth yields in the end.
Intense relationships where distorted love is involved tend to hijack all of the target/victims relating capacity and rationale. It is like a continual state of being so worn out, managed down and burnt out AND always feeling a need or in the position to fix the wrongs to make it right again by accepting the blame ALWAYS! It is like ‘shell shock’ having to deal with and avoid all the firing from the Narcissist’s weapons or tools in their arsenal of abuse. You forget what is really right as it concerns YOU because you are always having to explain, react, and keep peace to keep your sanity or basically taking cover and protecting your personal space or individuality BECAUSE IT IS ALWAYS THREATENED BY THE ABUSE. Becoming attached or falling in love with a very chaotic and inconsistent person makes it simply impossible to form a consistent reality based connection because of the fear, loss, the feelings of worthlessness that were imposed on you, feelings of blame and shame, or even the loss of normal and good memories above and beyond the trauma that comes with devaluation. When separated from the abusive partner, the urge to make contact is usually intense because it is the chaotic connection that is alive and makes the connection with them (as horrendous as it is) tolerable in any circumstance. In simpler words your normal reality has been manipulated and managed down to accept a role where you operate within the dysfunction because it has desensitized your rationale or your normal. Remember that love and bonding are mixed into this equation which creates that ‘cognitive dissonance’ too! This is the trauma bond with them and in reality it has always been this way with the Narcissist. Love connected you to this first and that love was manipulated in a manner to manage you down and control you completely. This is sadistic and a hideous dehumanization and such an intense betrayal for a normal human being that if not corrected it can diminish and disable the target/victims perspective of the world, people, and love throughout their entire life or traumatize them. True recovery requires such a deep desire to dig down deep inside and dispel EVERYTHING that this Narcissist has damaged as well as desensitize the emotions, love and bond that was formed. It is just not falling out of this distorted love it is recovering from it.
Some of the signs and symptoms of being stuck with this trauma. The target/victim and survivor can come to find that it is almost impossible to relate to life or anyone, even family or friends, except superficially. This trauma creates a feeling of being totally alone, and totally empty, and very damaged. Then it seems that going back to the primary abuser will help you overcome it or fixing this to make everything right again AND to release from all of the pain associated with being separated from them. It SEEMS normal in this state of trauma to believe that even though something is so horribly wrong that leaving isn’t an option even though it is real and there is something horribly wrong with staying. Most of the relationship was a huge manipulation that managed you down to accept a submissive role, feel shame, isolated, and fearful, etc., and then processing all of this along with that blame AND real love that you believed in seems insurmountable. You didn’t outwardly accept this distorted love, you were TRICKED/CONNED into it or psychologically abused. The Narcissist said to you in the beginning “I love you,” he/she didn’t say “I love you and I am going to ABUSE you,” but that was their real agenda.
To go a bit further to I want to add some information about complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which is a common problem for survivors of abusive relationships. The symptoms which are many include a feeling of emotional numbness or feeling like one of the walking dead. You feel like you are completely engulfed and surrounded with this self-protection like the aftermath of a destructive tornado that completely destroyed your entire house. In reality it is despair and desperation. You lose faith, hope, joy as well as the love you THOUGHT was real. This was all real to you, the memories, the time together, the emotions and everything else that you were conned into believing. It is a hideous abuse because you gave love, you believed in love, you believed in them, you gave yourself completely to this love because this is what we grew up believing was normal and then this Narcissist destroyed this image of real love and damaged this belief so completely that you are trying to heal from this. That complete distorted thought process has to be removed from your psyche to rebuild your belief system. It is a matter of realizing now that there are two types of love, ‘real’ and ‘abusive.’ It is compartmentalizing and understanding that real love can and does exist as well as predators and distorted love. It is putting your trust back into yourself so that your new lessons will keep you safe from one of these monsters should you encounter one again. It is also you putting your trust back into yourself so that you can establish a real life that includes REAL love. It is you believing more in yourself than allowing this abuse to define you forever.
Now to go a little further! There are many obstacles and many distorted messages or the feeling of being in shock. Unfortunately, this is directly related to the abuse that requires some time, education, and deep soul searching to correct. Why are we in shock when we had a real sense of this? Well we didn’t want to believe that we were basically with a destructive monster and we were only justifying, apologizing, fixing, and living in the shadow of fear and control. Who wants to believe that the love they invested into someone they loved was such a total sham or abuse? Who even knows how to believe in a manner that precludes all reality and a belief system we all grew up with that allows people to love normally. Yes, this was completely abnormal to your world! It sounds like brain-washing and basically it was. It is necessary to correct this trauma to destroy the negative messages and purge the blame from this Narcissist out of our heads, and it is of vital importance to do this in the beginning or whatever stage you are at now! Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen and many stay locked up in this trauma their entire lives.
A good example of this distorted love is if a child grows up in an unsafe/abusive home. It makes unsafe situations in the future have more holding power and almost acceptable because it is what they know and have accepted as their normal. This example has a basis beyond any cognitive learning and it is neither rational nor irrational. If targets/victims can come to see that part of the attraction or falling in love included this dysfunctional or irrational bonding, while very unwanted and horrendous, it became a natural process or basically surviving because of this distorted love/abuse. Then maybe they will be able to understand the reality of the dysfunction and manage the situation more intentionally with understanding the reality of the situation or the ‘trauma bonding.’ We must dig down very deeply to break this negative attachment and the distorted messages.
Bonding is in part why it is harder to leave an abusive relationship the longer it continues. The bonding makes it hard to enforce normal and even healthy boundaries – simply put it is much harder to stay away from people we have strongly bonded with. This is especially evident with children from Narcissistic parents, long-term marriages or partnering, or basically any type of long term relationship. An important point to understand is that when leaving a long relationship, it is not always useful to base your decision to leave by how hard it is to break this bond, because it will always be hard especially when you are dealing with a Narcissist that has corrupted your emotions in this abusive relationship. Secondly with an abusive relationship only YOUR bond was/is real and based solely on the growth through YOUR love for this person. There was no love reciprocated with a Narcissist just a need to use you as supply or objectify you to meet his/her needs. Leaving or moving on for a Narcissist is a simple act once they have found new or better supply but it is a HUGE betrayal when the victim learns the totality of the truth and traumatizing. All of this can only start with no or minimal contact! Greg
MORE about interactions and communication with a Narcissist – the tools they use to con, manipulate, brain-wash and trick you into BELIEVING! They are one big lie all wrapped up into a shiny façade that is personally designed for each of us!
When we are relating to this Narcissist our interactions with them are basically ‘REACTIONS’ that a Narcissist provokes by either subtle positive interrogation (CHARM) or putting us on the defensive so we are always having to explain ourselves in some manner – it is basic conditioning or psycho-grooming when it concerns a Narcissist. It all stems from their ‘shrewd technique’ or sourcing us out by gaining our trust in that ‘charm’ or ‘love bombing’ phase and THAT is when they break into our heads through our hearts. They have gathered all kinds of information that they have stored away in their memory for the future to manipulate and use against us. It is part of their big game plan! Significant or insignificant information, positive or negative — it is all up there in their head and they will use it in MANY ways to control us in this connection we have with them. That is where they also learn our internal works or how to be JUST LIKE US and seeming like they have so much in common with us. Remember they are always after something!
A Narcissist knows how to manipulate something in a way that makes us feel like we must justify or explain ourselves and our position or WANT to tell them some of our deepest secrets. They can make any conversation escalate into an argument by pushing the right buttons or the direct opposite by throwing us a little bone to get us feeling very good about sharing something very personal. With the negative aspect, they are so good at making us feel angst and getting upset that we end up looking like the ANGRY one or even the crazy one because of how we react to their craziness. This is all basically chaos and a routine they use regularly on their targets/victims to confuse them or to divide and conquer. So basically, they are managing us to get us to elicit whatever they need from us emotionally and psychologically.
Any communication with a Narcissist is an exercise in futility and pure frustration because you are not dealing with a real person but you BELIEVE they are real and try to be REAL back to them and this is where we lose our mind. Arguing or debating with them should be avoided at all costs because it will only provoke them into an attack and RAGE – and they enjoy this challenge as we have all experienced. Challenging them ENABLES them to really put their chaos into effect and that is where they will use whatever they can against you and drag their supporters, minions, or whomever they need to drive their deluded points home. This has no effect on THEM because it is a just a tool they use to debase and malign all people – REMEMBER they are looking to create that reaction. If we could have only kept our thoughts and feelings private, we would have saved ourselves so much of this disabling distress. Unfortunately, we trusted these individuals and divulged things because we believed they earned our trust, but they manipulated us into trusting them to fulfill their manipulative agenda. Hindsight is always 20/20. How could we have known at the time that we were dealing with a personality disordered Narcissist? But now that we DO KNOW we can disengage completely to stop the chaos and crazy making. Knowledge is power!
Narcissists have MANY tools in their arsenal or weapons that they use to constantly keep us in a state of despair or in a ‘fog.’ A Narcissist has been this way for a very long time and they just go into autopilot to make the negative things happen (conditioning) so in essence they can always blame you and manage you and everyone down to manage themselves UP and always feel superior. Sounds a bit crazy but then again it is crazy making!
Conversations are very calculated and riddled with Illogical arguments and distorted views that definitely wreak havoc on your mental faculties. Narcissists must constantly do this to avoid falling into the depths of their own disordered reality, or the awareness of just how empty AND sick they really are so everything is basically a diversion in life (just like you and I)! If they can make YOU angry or make THEMSELVES look good with their façade it works for them and somehow it makes them feel alive or better yet superior. Remember they have disassociated from themselves so they do NOT get those real rules, emotions, empathy, etc., that you and I understand and work with. For some reason they have an affinity to making people fear them. Perhaps by playing these ridiculous and irrational mind games they think they raise themselves out of that dark world where they actually reside by tearing someone else down and walking all over that other person’s emotions and trampling down all of their boundaries. Think of bullies that have to put other people down or harm them so that they feel superior, but with a Narcissist this is all encompassing as far as their personality is concerned – as a matter of fact it IS THEIR COMPLETE being. They get a high from it that shores up their omnipotence. REMEMBER that they are the eternal victims of the world and to get there they MUST blame somebody.
SO within this processing that they do to each of us, they are essentially sucking a person’s spirit right out of them or feeding off of the negativity and managing down the target/victims as well as destroying their self-respect! So, let’s apply the logic here and that is how the Narcissist gets THEIR self-respect, by stealing if from others. They have absolutely no respect for life in reality but AGAIN this desperation they create with people serves them because it EMPOWERS them and takes our power away and they feel in CONTROL. There is no semblance of order in their world whatsoever so this is basically their ‘modus operandi’ or mode of operation. It is despicable in itself that they infiltrate our world to harm us, but how they get us there to trust and listen to them is even more despicable because they manufacture a fake love or CHARM first so we develop feelings or emotions for them (bond) and then they use this emotional power against us as part of the BIG con or agenda.
LOTS of thoughts I put out there in an attempt to explain what is actually going on. In essence they play this game to fight off the awareness of what a contemptible and empty creature they are and how they NEED us to feel real in our world. If they make themselves BETTER than us, then they are better than us – well they think that and so do their supporters and minions. They are not powerful, they are NEGATIVE and use this as a weapon to control and harm the very people that love them and that is just crazy and so backward. So, we constantly ask ourselves why do they do this, why did they pretend to love us to devalue us. WHY, why, why? Because these are very dysfunctional creatures that have extreme envy and even hate at the core of their disorder. You can’t put a real spin on this that would ever explain the why because they are disordered, BUT you can see a clear picture or a reality shot of the complete game they play and it is destructive. That is all we need to know and that they will never change so we CANNOT have a real connection or ANY connection with them. You are NOT crazy THEY make you feel crazy! Say that over and over again until you actually get it.
So, let’s just say that they ward off awareness of their extreme neediness by projecting most of it off and onto their target/victim – that blame thing again so they can cast it off and away from themselves. But it is a vicious cycle with them because their existence will constantly challenge them and their illusions of their superiority. Normal people can’t coexist in this parasitic relationship, especially one where your individuality is always questioned and denied — you are consistently managed down to question your sanity. The Narcissist destroys every relationship because of their vast insecurities and need to win and feel superior. It is a dysfunctional cycle where they take every person from idealization to discard or ‘from charm to harm’ to achieve their dose of life sustaining supply. You must understand that this Narcissist is nothing even near happy or full of the charm they exude. Their inner mind is so riddled with their insecurities and insatiable need for attention that it completely rules their world because otherwise it is EMPTY. They are stuck in this defensive mode and are constantly on the defensive because the slightest insult can send them into a major Narcissist injury! When I look back I see quite a few of these chaotic characters that I worked with, or ended up in a temporary friendship, encountered in organizations, etc. My point is that they are out there everywhere!
All of this managing down is done in a manner to create a strong connection AND dependence on them (the Narcissist) and this gives them that superiority they crave. They isolate you from YOUR world and make you beg for THEIR approval by tapping into whatever they can to make you crave their constant approval. They have to control their target/victims to stay in control themselves or that mask would come flying off and you would see the real monster behind it. If that monster would reveal itself, it would be hauled off and locked away in a cage and THEY KNOW IT. Control is power to a Narcissist and without it they have nothing but the personality disorder that defines them SO as many have also experienced they will smear your good name and integrity to WIN.
PLEASE understand that the feeling of worthlessness that the Narcissist creates in your psyche is more PERCEIVED than real OR what the Narcissist says and does to make you FEEL like this worthless person that NEEDS them. They have slowly but surely trained you to beg for their approval through manipulation and managing you down. Think of that puppy that I so full of love that you offer a bone or treat to TEACH them to sit, stay, rollover, etc. Well there you have it, the Narcissist basically uses this technique on the people that love them, but a Narcissist would also be using a newspaper and smacking our nose more so than giving us a treat! Puppies love unconditionally and no matter what. Human beings also love unconditionally but that also implies that we are individuals that deserve reciprocation and individualism (pups do too)! We voice concerns and at times disagree and many other things. If you point out an error a Narcissist made, they go right into that defensive mode and counter any such notions with anger, venting, rage, cold-shoulder, silencing, or withdraw to punish.
So, to put it in a nutshell here are some facts about what is spinning around in that Narcissist’s delusional mind as well as some of the things they do! They groom people through a manipulation cycle of charm and rage to sell their distorted reality and rationalizations to their targets/victims. Along the same lines, Narcissists are extremely skilled at making anyone under their influence crave their approval. They use a distorted form of judgment making you believe you are OK and then you are not OK to keep you off balance and always blameworthy! They will pull the rug right from underneath you to always keep you down! They jump into their defensive mode frequently and will even LOVE to say that they are STRONG and people just don’t like that – no they are disordered and attack people to control them!
A Narcissist will make you feel special and then emotionally distance themselves from you in so many ways that keep you unsure of yourself. Virtually all of their ideas or the way they behave in any given situation is stolen from others, perhaps people they know and think of as superior – they have copycat personalities. Narcissists expect others to do mundane things, since they feel they are just too important to do such things – people are basically servants to them. They are blowhards, braggers, brow-beaters, bullies, big-headed, but totally bogus. They will very rarely talk about their inner life, memories and dreams, or emotions BECAUSE THEY HAVE NONE but they have many lies! Narcissists demand your trust rather than earning it. They only see you as extensions of themselves and you are not allowed any individuality and freedom. They fail to recognize people’s emotions and feelings because all they can recognize is their own needs and wants. To sum it up – they are emotional and psychological abusers! No/minimal contact to move forward always! Greg
A Narcissist does not have any internal or normal functioning mechanisms – simply put they have totally disconnected from internalized feelings. Their whole being is a working mechanism (or a façade) and it lacks all empathy, emotion, and the ability to bond with other human beings. They have disassociated from anything internal that actually defines them because even they realize that it is faulty and they need other mechanisms to function in a real world!
How does a person with normal empathy wrap their head around a Narcissist? They don’t with any sense of normalcy. What words are appropriate – did we love a person or did we love a Narcissist? Now ask yourself to completely justify your choice and it is troubling. Your mind is or was constantly turning in a vicious circle of trying to believe that they were real as they brain-washed you into believing in them with their extreme charm or ‘love bombing,’ but then questioning their accountability also came into play because so much conflict came into question as well that harmed you along the way. This conflict is beyond confusing to deal with because you are a person that only KNOWS love and practices empathy so you are left trying to find some avenue of goodness in them (the Narcissist) to reconcile this even when you were faced with some ugly truths. You are adept at normal reasoning but this Narcissist is very shrewd at their manipulation techniques as well as a vast arsenal of tools they use to achieve their agenda.
Often we hear that a Narcissist just does not care and THAT becomes such a confusing point of contention with us! Just what does that mean – how can another person possess such a void that they have absolutely no ability to care for another human being? How can another human being be so deceitful to take us down such a road of deceit that basically destroys another human being? Well it means that a Narcissist does not have the internal and normal functioning mechanisms required to feel the reality of real the harm that they cause to the people that love them – simply put they have totally disconnected from internalized feelings. Their whole being is a working mechanism (or a façade) and it lacks all empathy, emotion and the ability to bond with other human beings – they have disassociated from anything internal that actually defines them because even they realize that it is faulty and they need other mechanisms to function in a real world!
They are personality disordered and WE on the other hand are normal and can logically differentiate what caring is as well as what hurt feels like because we do possess empathy, emotion, and the ability to bond and love. A Narcissist just cannot understand this and they wonder what goes on in our mind and why we make such a fuss about their lifeless emotions – they don’t know what we know, or feel what we feel – if you don’t know it you can’t feel it. You can logically understand that a Narcissist does not possess the ability to care but you cannot understand or put yourself in the position to actually feel what it is like to be totally void of that ability to care so you CANNOT wrap your head around it at all. You should not make ANY attempts to understand them because it is a dead end because they will not change because they do not see themselves as having the problem. AGAIN they are personality disordered and lack emotions and feelings and only know how to take what they want from life because the only thing in life that matters are THEIR needs and themselves!
Your normal emotions will ALWAYS trump any understanding that a person could be so void of life, emotions, care, and love. We CANNOT know what makes a Narcissist tick – but we can believe from our experience with them that it is a non-functioning, destructive, and a desperate relationship. We MUST get out of TRYING to understand a Narcissist and just accept the truth around the fact they are disordered, and dangerous to our well-being. You cannot fix them, heal them, get back at them, or expect them to come to your aid in any other manner than with more manipulation and abuse. There is no closure that exists within the realm of the Narcissist as far as it concerns getting any sort of validation of the destruction and pain they caused to your life. You NEED to totally understand the truth to move on and recover – you need to do this so you concentrate on yourself and healing to move forward!
Since it is not within our realm of understanding it keeps us continually wrapped up in a maze of self-doubt, questioning, justifications, AND EVEN BLAMING OURSELVES. The truth is that the ‘love bombing’ as amazing and reinforcing as it was to us is no less destructive than the devaluation process or the discard because it was the force behind the Narcissists agenda to gain our trust and seduce us into the cycle of this abuse. The road to recovery REQUIRES a crash course about this abuse so we get our REAL ‘ah ha’ moment about the reality of our situation. Even with the truth in mind our emotions will have to be dealt with in a grieving process to move forward because the situation was purely diabolical within the manner that we were conned and basically we loved this person. Unfortunately, the emotional aspect (love) of this abuse does not go away even with our ‘ah ha’ moment and THAT is what keeps us locked up in the justifications and trying to fix what we were basically ‘blamed and shamed’ into believing that we destroyed. You have to fight those emotions every day until that bond with them is broken because the reality is that you did not lose any form of real love, instead you have luckily broken an abusive connection that will literally save your emotional and psychological well-being. They are like ticks that attach themselves to our skin sucking our blood or our very life force! If and when you try to remove them their head stays lodged in your skin causing great damage because their infectious poison remains inside of you. Without treatment you can suffer for the remainder of your life.
Narcissists have absolutely no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation by significant others. It is actually perceived as a threat because a Narcissist objectifies all of his/her targets/victims. Significant others in the Narcissist’s life have very clear roles and that is for the Narcissist to harvest supply, nothing less but definitely nothing more. Devaluation is a subtle process that starts from the very first day we start on our journey with them and throughout the entire life of the relationship because the Narcissist has an agenda. The Narcissist does NOT start this relationship believing we are the ‘love of their life,’ that would be akin to us believing that the over complimentary car salesperson loves us – no they are schmoozing us to get us to buy a new car because it profits them. It is all a mechanical process just like with the Narcissist to achieve their agenda and to profit from the relationship with us.
They are amazingly good at what they do or the lies that they create and their amazing but fake charm and facade! Think of the Narcissist as ‘The Pied Piper” that mesmerizes anybody that listens to his/her flute – and there are so MANY different and seductive tunes that trap most anybody. For example, you may believe that this Narcissist is exclusively yours but he/she has many other relationships going on even though they are pretending they are in a committed relationship with you. By compartmentalizing people, events, and actions with all of their secrets nobody is ever the wiser! They keep their dirty secrets hidden from the real world AND should you ever catch onto their lies they will defend themselves with more lies to protect themselves as well as destroy your integrity! You can also believe that Narcissist is probably quoting scriptures, preaching about how bad the world has become, preaching morality, and bragging about what a good person they are too! But they are criticizing you and destroying your integrity behind your back while preaching on their pulpit to their many supporters that can’t see through the superficial charm – their agenda is to always divide. Conquer, and isolate. Oh and yes they are looking for and securing new supply as they preach to everyone. Somebody always falls into their charm and lies because everything is an opportunity for them because they make it so!
Narcissists are just amoral with all of the crazy lies that are solely based on the Narcissist getting what they want and it is just that simple. Of course, they need to support the ‘great façade’ first and foremost so they fit into our world or else they would be rejected within a minute of meeting them if people only knew about the darkness inside of these creatures! Narcissists are here and walking among us to TAKE or better yet extort what they can from every aspect of life through manipulating the greatest resource – PEOPLE. The emotional attachments we form with these critters are formed from the very lies that this Narcissist uses to drag us into their world! Lying to us about how much they love us is just what they do to get the game going. What a bizarre phenomenon to have to accept as a reality, or having to believe that another human being can con you into loving them so completely just so they can extort what they can from you and probably the person that is standing right there and next to you too. BUT again they are so good at it and so seamless with their lies that we feel so personally attached to this warm and loving LIAR!
They will marry for years, even start a family and seem like a strong family person (mother or father,) but what goes on behind this horrendous façade (and in private) is a lying, destructive, and raging creature that couldn’t care less about their spouse or family. They don’t care as long as they get exactly what they want! They lack any and all restraint when it comes to their needs as my Narcissist did and then turn it around and make light of their actions and even blame the ex-spouse or person they were with.
A Narcissist will make us their punching bag for their inadequacies through rages and attacks. Their aim is to force us into a co-dependent role and their possession to use at will, AND to gain control over us, our emotions and our life. We are not prized by them as an equal partner but taken for granted as long as we give them supply and even that is probably a bit too complementary as to them having ANY feelings for us even as supply because we are just a temporary connection. This is a dehumanizing partnership we have with them because we were only the NEXT object in a Narcissist’s long past of using and abusing people. It was just our turn because of an unfortunate twist of fate that landed us right in their web of lies and deceit, or a predator finding its prey.
Human beings are NOT objects or instruments to be used and to be regarded as such is dehumanizing and sadistic to say the least. Narcissists devalue people and reduce them to mere objects that have one purpose which is to fulfil their every need. This is why Narcissists easily lose interest in us because we are not a deserving, independent thinking and functioning human being in their mind but instead another object like a washing machine to use and then once we cease to serve them in their pursuit of supply they lose interest and find another object. No care or fuss and muss as far as finding someone else to replace us! Remember we were their DAILY or 24/7 source of supply and there were many ‘on the side’ sources to supplement the Narcissist’s vast and bottomless pit of neediness. Narcissists are not prejudice in the least bit when it comes to their needs, they will take it from whomever or whatever walks past them if they have the opportunity. There is never a commitment to any one source nor any care or concern of what harm they cause to ANYONE – it is whatever serves one of their many needs.
Again WE MUST understand that this abuse is intentional and as much as it was such a personal part of us, it was purely the act of an emotionally, psychologically UNBALANCED, and deviant human being. It seems insurmountable to try to erase what was reality to us as nothing more than a Narcissist sourcing us out to provide themselves with what they only needed to survive. Why do they go through such lengths to do this and why do they also destroy good people? Well I would say because it works for them, it gives them power to control us to maintain their constant supply from us AND unfortunately they usually get away with it unscathed. What other reason would motivate a person to act out in this sadistic manner if it wasn’t tied to a predatory agenda?
Yes, this is how they are wired, no empathy, no emotions, and they CAN’T love – that is why this is labeled a personality disorder. But why do they destroy and damage good and unsuspecting people when it is bad enough that they extort them of their lives and love, yet alone have a knife to their back ready to destroy them at any given moment? WHY if they are getting what they so desperately need do they destroy a good thing then? BECAUSE they are not a fully functioning human being and cannot act on the same normal human premise to bond, care for, or love other human beings! So basically they are deviants, psycho bullies, emotional manipulators, users and abusers as well as destructive and dangerous so never stay a moment longer with them once you know the truth. Your sanity has been pushed to the point that you are so vulnerable and basically functioning after the time you have spent with this person. Is it worth losing any more of yourself to try to stay a moment longer and for what – to completely lose your sanity? Their truth is hidden behind so many layers of denial and lies, so if they can lie so easily to themselves to protect their damaged self they will most assuredly lie to us and about us to keep their dirty secrets hidden and take us down first! NO/MINIMAL CONTACT! Greg
Narcissists will accuse you of things that have no basis of reality as a DIVERSION to create an argument or a crisis that YOU must deal with – it is a chaotic and coercive tactic to throw you off base. Their negative energy will expand in YOUR mind because you basically respond to whatever the crisis situation is. In turn they will continue to pull you right into it to deplete your energy by making you respond to the situation or get you hyper involved and stuck in your head trying to use your normal resources to get to some cohesive conclusion where there is NONE.
Narcissists love to create, seed and cultivate their toxic and chaotic drama for the basic reason to CONTROL people! Yes, they are into drama and very dramatic because they live with so much internal chaos – even as controlled as they may seem to be. Narcissists also create drama as another distorted tool to get supply or draw all the attention to them OR also away from them when they need to avoid exposure. It is what they do with this drama because it never achieves anything good and it is used to basically divide and conquer people, divert from the truth, keep them confused, to control, and to isolate people. You can bet the Narcissist is always the go to person or at the center of all chaos and drama in EVERY situation but always comes out smelling like a rose because they are very shrewd instigators. The Narcissist I knew was very adept at this and cunning in the manner that they did it (triangulation), but be assured someone or something was being destroyed in the process! My Narcissist would always say that they were like a cat that would land on its feet and come up smelling like that rose NO MATTER WHAT. I always thought that this was very odd to hear because it described a person that knew they did some awful things to people and got away with it and felt proud of the fact that they came out of it unscathed – NOW I understand completely!.
With a Narcissist life is a perpetual crisis because they are wounded so easily and life’s eternal victims so they shoot blame out anywhere they can. Everything is a perceived threat real or not – BUT they expect you to fix it NOW and on their delusional terms only. We all experience rough times but a Narcissist has a natural inclination to make the good, the bad, and everything else into an ugly and chaotic situation or everything is a crisis where they go above and beyond what would be deemed as a normal reaction. Remember this too, when they want to really play their games they will even accuse you of things that have no basis of reality to create an argument and a crisis that YOU have to deal with – sort of their chaotic and coercive diversion tactic to throw you off base. Their energy will expand in YOUR mind because you basically respond to whatever the crisis is and they will pull you into it to deplete your energy by making you respond to the situation or get you hyper involved and stuck in your head trying to use your ‘normal thought processes’ to get to some cohesive conclusion where there is NONE. Remember that YOU are OK here and again this is crazy making to throw you off center!
This is how they condition you into becoming dependent on them and usually it is through their devious manipulation, threats and negative responses from the crisis they create – and they JUST MIGHT LEAVE YOU (or whatever threat) if you don’t change your ways. So, you are conditioned to always walk on those perpetual eggs shells and accept their behavior to basically keep the peace and avoid their punishment or rage and again this is purely control. They cannot really empathize so empathy is not at the basis of any part of their interactions with people. Lies, deceit, manipulation, blaming, triangulation, conquering, and dividing people are. These actions ARE the basis of their ‘crazy making’ tactic or the real mechanics to their agenda as well as a dehumanizing ploy the Narcissist uses to manage people down. It is part of their plan to bring you down and keep you down. They will also project their own personal chaos and downfalls onto you to free themselves of the personal shame that lives inside of them. They really know how to work a situation to get attention, create chaos, blame, and dump some personal shame onto their target – this is all part of THEIR internal pathology! That is the reality of their life – they are human projection machines that have no reality except to source out their externalized needs or find supply.
Here is a big eye opener that you must truly internalize – they need you and your energy to be successful at maintaining their façade and achieving supply. They don’t want you to leave them until they want to go, so they go to great lengths to get and keep your attention until they have used you up as well as found another source of supply to replace you. Remember supply to them can be anything that gives them attention, be it negative or positive as long as it supports that façade! I use to ask my Narcissist if I was so horrid WHY NOT LEAVE – but my Narcissist kept coming back with that little bit of love bombing, more lies and fake promises because they hadn’t found a replacement yet (well many side ones but none that stuck).
Like a toddler that hasn’t reached a level of emotional maturity, they consistently go from loving and supporting you to getting angry and detesting or hating you to get their needs fulfilled through their debilitating up and down chaos and tantrums but with a Narcissist there is absolutely no love or bond there JUST wants and needs and constant diaper changes. They have their many toys and the shiniest one is the one that they ‘sort of love’ for the time being until a newer toy catches their attention. Their moods and responses are inconsistent and dealing with them feels like you are walking through a field of landmines where at any moment you may step on one and it will detonate, but those emotions that bond you to them and your empathy keeps you hanging on and tiptoeing around those landmines. Well add to this the emotional and psychological abuse that manipulates and blinds your way and distorts your reality.
A Narcissist WILL try to please you, but the nice things they do always have a huge cost and a motive a motive behind them. They play the saint or martyr that keeps score, and just when you think everything is okay, BAM they get you one more time, and then once more and once more until there are so many levels of this chaos that you are lost and isolated within their debilitating pathology. Their modus operandi is to sabotage you while they look innocent. For instance, they will commit to doing something when they really don’t want to do it and then consistently bail out at the last minute. Or they’ll conveniently forget. Perhaps they’ll run late and miss an event or a timeline. Everyone has these experiences now and again, but Narcissists do this all the time and they want to turn it around and get you to feel guilty and upset about WHAT THEY ARE PURPOSELY doing to you. They will make up excuses with the most ambiguous details or justifications when it comes to accountability and then sulk and act like a victim if YOU get upset meanwhile they have betrayed you in some form or fashion that you aren’t aware of. They will conveniently lose items, forget dates, miss deadlines, ruin plans, and then become sad and withdrawn because they have tried so very hard when they have done nothing but be irresponsible, tricked you and then they blame you as not understanding, etc. This is just more of their crazy making and chaos! Add to this the outright lies, the cruel behavior, the betrayal, the raging temper and there you have it – a Narcissist that means to create chaos and crazy making to manage you down to nothingness. REMEMBER that this is all intentional and a key component to their abuse tactics.
It is important or better yet imperative to know what you are dealing with as far as this chaotic crazy maker is concerned because they are destructive psycho bullies! However, with this type of abuse AND because of the charm factor, and/or love that is also introduced into the factoring there is always the tendency to be a little blind to the possibility of the truth especially if the person is a loved one or someone very close to you. We actually end up taking the Narcissist’s behavior personally and applying credence to what they are saying, or possibly even believing that the crazy maker (abuser) in our life could change or we could help them. We also expect the crazy maker to play by the same rules with communication or apply normal etiquette as everyone else, but they don’t. Our world is a normal one, their world lacks the normality and integrity that we know and understand and is purely driven by their pathology. Crazy making Narcissists don’t play by the same rules as you and me. You’ll save yourself a lot of headaches and energy if you realize this now and stop trying to make the crazy maker REAL in your life anymore or respond to your concerns because you are talking to a brick wall that you cannot penetrate!
So it is important to internalize that the Narcissist delivers distorted and corrupt messages that are disguised as carefully and as proportionate as that disordered and fake mask they wear that conceals their false and negative self and their destructive agenda. They are negative messages disguised in a positive message or even a gesture. This inevitably sets you up to lose ALL THE TIME! All of this adds up to feeling worthless and everything you do seems to be inappropriate or wrong! There is only ONE way to end the madness and chaos – no/minimal contact! Greg
There is no such thing as a normal or real relationship with a Narcissist, and you can only learn this the hard and painful way. If the perpetrator is/was a person you loved, admired, or looked up to as a role model, or a wife, husband, parent, guardian, friend, relative, etc., you don’t understand the real depth because most of the time you loved this person, trusted them and wanted to believe in them — you went the extra mile for them and that is what makes this abuse so horrendous when the truth is apparent.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Being a victim of Narcissistic abuse is a severely traumatic life experience that you are dealing with by yourself. If the perpetrator is a person you loved, admired, or looked up to as a role model, or a wife, husband, parent, guardian, friend, relative, etc., you don’t understand the real depth because most of the time you loved the person, trusted them and wanted to believe in them – you went the extra mile for them. If your professional life is entangled with a Narcissistic boss, getting out of the abusive relationship may be extremely challenging, especially when this is your livelihood, or your bread and butter.
It may seem frightening and insurmountable after the time you have invested, and you may be tempted to put up with more abuse, as an attempt to defuse the situation and save what mattered so much to you in any of the relationships you were entangled in with these cruel monsters. BUT there is no such thing as anything near a normal or real relationship with a Narcissist, and you can only learn this the hard and painful way. There is no healthy give-and-take relationship with a Narcissist, only a manipulative, crippling, subjugating type of giving and a demanding, exploitative, and insensitive type of taking what the Narcissist wants to fulfil their needs only. People are only OBJECTS that a Narcissist uses in whatever manner to make themselves look better, get some sort of admiration, steal your accomplishments, bring notoriety to themselves by connecting with you, get something you have that they want and need, use you as a shield to hide their darkness, or whatever it is that YOU have and THEY need.
It is especially difficult to accept this when your interactions with them are at the personal, professional, familial or intimate level. How much of yourself, your work, your aspirations, do you have to sacrifice in order to save your life and your psyche from the destructive assaults from your narcissistic abuser? They TRICKED you to get you to trust them so that you would become their next victim to use – we are only supply to them!
Don’t try to fight a war that you can’t win because a Narcissist lacks any and all morals. You can’t engage in reality with a person that lacks morals or with issues that require a person to have a conscience and expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure. Narcissists have no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions because they lack the mechanics to do so. There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their mindless and thoughtless approach to other people especially if it is “you.” Don’t ever underestimate their depravity as it concerns their lack of respect for life and people – they will abuse anyone that stands in their way, even their own biological children or ANY family member.
So how could you have been such a fool? The painful realization often comes with the disbelief of just how could we have not realized that he/she was like this? That’s another thing that educating yourself about this disorder will teach you very clearly or that the Narcissistic personality is especially good at being pathologically deceptive and manipulative, at simulating genuine affection and caring to gain our trust so they can essentially abuse us. In reality the Narcissist is only capable of caring about themselves and THAT is as far as their scope goes. The Narcissist can BASICALLY imitate that they care about you or even love you as long as he/she continues to see you reflect extreme adulation and admiration for them, which is usually in the beginning of your personal relationship with them. Underneath all of that is a delusional and out-of-control amoral person that lacks respect for life and people and has no conscience about how they debase people to GET WHAT THEY WANT – supply. That is what it all boils down to – we satisfy some sort of need – and they have many needs, and many people they use to satisfy their immense needy void hole. The unfortunate aspect of all of this is the Narcissist KNOWS how to con people with their extreme CHARM and love bombing AND in such a natural way.
The perceptions of the Narcissist are truly their reality. If you look back you have never been able to change or influence their perceptions because they got louder and completely ignored your every word to the contrary concerning any of their delusional outbursts – especially if it concerned their own accountability. If you couldn’t effect change living in a close relationship with them, then don’t waste your time and effort ever trying AGAIN. They live in their own world and no matter how false or unreal it appears to you, for them it is reality because it has to be for them to survive among us. As soon as a Narcissist begins to perceive that you have a voice of your own and a right to existence, the trouble starts and then there is no return because there is no possibility of two way communication with them and the more you push your individualism forward the more resistance from the Narcissist. Their façade is impenetrable and has to be or they would self-destruct if people knew the truth. REMEMBER – a Narcissist has no boundaries when it comes to taking a victim down that has caught onto the Narcissist’s psychopathy. They will lie to DESTROY anybody’s integrity that dares disagree with them or make them accountable FOR ANYTHING.
Lies and deceit are as natural to the Narcissist’s world as is breathing. A Narcissist has the amazing ability with their ‘shrewd deception’ to make ‘others’ believe their lies EVEN when they fly right in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Heck they are so smooth at their LIES that the Narcissist also believes THEIR own lies – but then again what depth do they have but a façade that is as flimsy as a tissue SO THEY HAVE TO BELIEVE THEIR OWN LIES. Mine could have been given an honorary PHD in lies, and lying! Take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie – or as my friend once told me “if they are breathing they are lying!”
It is extremely painful, to come to the conclusion that people who have meant a great deal in your personal (or professional) life can ACTUALLY destroy you and you have to disengage with them to literally save your life. It is EXTREMELY painful, but the alternative is only to continue the descent along the dark path of self-destruction because this is a desperate relationship. Stop it all and finally break the chain that keeps you tied to an abuser. Everything you have built with this person was done in vain, and if you keep believing or buying into the games/lies with the hope to catch a glimpse of what things were like when you lived in the illusion they fabricated for you, you will only be drawn back into the abuse over and over again. The key word is that it WAS an illusion and nothing more so there is NOTHING there to believe in. The promises like a life journey together or sharing the joys of REAL love, a future, intellectual fulfillment, dreams, goals, etc., were part of the abuse to only control you and keep you chained to the abuse.
Unfortunately you have to learn and accept that the psychological and emotional investment you made in a Narcissist is/was valueless, and you have to write them off completely as a bad debt. If you continue any type of association with them, you will only lose your soul and hand it over to a deceitful, perverted and loathsome character that will use and drain the life right out of you. Just like the “un-dead” fictional characters that are looking to feed off of the life force of other human beings to BECOME alive again. Sorry I am not sure they were ever alive in any conventional method – it is just incomprehensible that they have the cognitive ability to plan and scheme as they do to trap us, debilitate their target, know it is wrong, lie about their actions to cover up their tracks, destroy our good name, extort everything they can, and run off as they do to another unsuspecting target. Sounds more like a well-planned out process to me.
One day you will see the complete picture – and it will never make what they did better, but you will understand because you have finally been educated into what they are and what YOU aren’t. A Narcissist is a dead giveaway in the way they create their delusional turmoil after each and every departure from one of their con jobs or relationships as the Narcissist prefers to call them. While they are running away like the thieves they really are with their tails between their legs, they are really running away from the truth of who and what they are. We are the truth they are running from as they are throwing lies at us in an effort to smear our integrity and destroy us. They never can or will admit to what they have done, instead they will always slither into someone else’s life to find shelter, and take what they can emotionally and physically. No/minimal contact to gain clarity and start on your journey to recovery! Greg
It is all about supply and demand! We are supply and the Narcissist demands that we basically serve all of their needs!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
For any victim/target, the process of understanding this abuse is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you so much of your time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem, your career or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to this relationship. It may have become your entire life, even having a family with a Narcissist. For the Narcissist, however, the whole process isn’t really personal AT ALL! The Narcissist WILL do the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him/her into their intimate or personal life. We are all reduced and considered as OBJECTS and supply and we are just one of many — be it from their past or even their present since they can and do have multiple sources of supply in their life. Life is a department store where the Narcissist shops for the SPECIFIC supply they desire – but they would be more aptly described as “shoplifters” because they feel completely entitled to take whatever they desire AND when they desire it – AND shopaholics because they are addicted to go after and getting whatever object is in their sights!
They will do it again and again to everyone they seduce into their lair of manipulation, lies, and betrayal. It’s not about you or me, and it is not about the other people involved who are new/extra supply, the many partners they were with, the minions the Narcissist employ in their game and set against you, or the many ‘others” the Narcissist used to make you compete and/or jealous – all of this is supply to validate the Narcissist’s ego, to give him/her pleasure, to meet his/her fickle needs AND to support their façade and lies. No one source of supply means anything more or less than any other supply. When you realize this it is shocking or better yet traumatizing to accept yet alone believe!
The Narcissist wasn’t with them (the new/extra or any supply) because they are/were superior to you or more loveable, so you have to get that thought completely out of your head and heart. The Narcissist was with them for the same reason that he/she was with you or me – to extort and use them, perhaps for different purposes than the Narcissist used you, but with the same devastating effect – debilitating abuse. The Narcissist will invariably treat others in a very similar way to how he/she treated you. Idealize, devalue and discard – or how the Narcissist utilizes and processes their targets/victims into what we believe is a ‘relationship’ to secure or harvest that ‘supply’ then move on to the next. It was/ is and will always be only about the Narcissist’s need to extort people and life. Our abuse is the outcome of the process (idealize, devalue and discard). They win us over with their pathological seduction to control us and USE US to satisfy all their needs for as long as you stay with the Narcissist. WE ARE ALL SUPPLY AND TEMPORARY. What a horrendous realization to have to accept after you have invested so much into whatever your relationship was with them.
So WHY does a Narcissist idealize their targets in the first place. Why do they invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? Well this is what makes up the components of the abuse as well as defines them as predators, extortionists and the abusers they are. Basically they need us to survive in this world because they have no alternative because they are a part of this human race but they do NOT think or act like us. They must put on a façade of normalcy to fit in or else be exposed and live a life isolated from any and all human beings.
So with that in mind the obvious response would be that they do it for security or constant and ‘longer term supply.” Perhaps they do it because they can’t get close to people to secure supply with their TRUE psychopathic nature – SO IT IS A NEEDED PART of the big con job by concentrating their energy on ONE PRIMARY SOURCE and hopefully locking them in long term to always have a steady source readily available so when there are ‘lean times’ they have their bases covered. It is the psychopathy that goes hand in hand with their personality disorder – and it is how they are wired! Whenever a Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because he/she wants something from that person and THEY WILL EXTORT IT OUT OF THEM!
It all depends on what the Narcissist wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him/her. If the Narcissist wants some sort of semblance of order and respectability or a façade of diversion behind which he/she can hide his/her TRUE and perverse nature to appear harmless and normal, he/she may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. If all he/she wants is to have some fun, it will be over within a short period of time, maybe even a couple of hours. If the Narcissist wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he/she may stay with you for as long as you excite him/her. It may even be a relationship so that the Narcissist can climb up the ladder of success in their career and they will target and charm THOSE people that will help them achieve their goal and step all over them to get where they want. If it is to secure an army of ‘minions’ to support the Narcissist’s façade they will create these relationships to avoid exposure. Despite the differences or the length of time or timeline that the Narcissist remains with ANY supply, what will remain constant is that eventually, you’ll be discarded as soon as you no longer serve his/her needs.
They do enjoy the chase, the seduction and the betrayal. They relish creating the illusion that they’re something they’re not because it is all part of their psychopathic ego feeding process and being a Narcissist. They also enjoy observing how they dupe others into believing all of their fiction – AND THE REWARDS ARE GREAT FOR THE NARCISSIST – all the supply they can get through their lies and manipulation. This isn’t just psycho-babble it is the clinical truth and it is horrendous to actualize the truth when you are the one being duped, extorted, conned, etc. AGAIN, when the Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because they want something from that person – that is all there is to it – the rest of it is HOW they con you into this role as their source of supply.
The CLINICAL research does confirm that Narcissists suffer from a lack of empathy as well as the EMOTIONS that would be directly related to somebody that HAD empathy, so that makes their bonding superficial at best. When they want something or someone they pursue that goal with all their might. You are a means to an end or a SOURCE of SUPPLY to feed their many needs. You were never idealized for YOURSELF, but for something else you had OR supply as it concerns this personality disordered Narcissist. But when their goal is actually you/us then their pursuit feels very REAL because we are being SEDUCED and conned. They will even get married to pull us into this huge con or big lie and that gives them a lifeline to you/us legally and emotionally for their constant chaos and crazy making. Supply to them is anything positive or negative!
Temporarily we represent the object of their desire, the answer to their needs, the love of their life and the key to their happiness – remember they can’t do any of this on their own because of their psychopathic nature and lack of all empathy so they need other normal humans. But this feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s empty to the core, they are COMPLETELY empty – a big needy void. Add to this that they are addicts – and supply is their drug so they are always off and looking for the next fix! All of this pretty much fuels their out-of-control lifestyle. As we’ve observed, once the Narcissist feels they have you in their grasp AND once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on them, they GET BORED with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. We are THEIR supply in this psychopathic manipulation, and they are NOT going to be ‘our’ supply or give anything to us in return – this is a one-way street. So inevitably they are going to move on when we try to make this “relationship” real in a manner that we are a VIABLE part of it and have needs – that is when the devaluation and the blame is turned onto the victim. They are not in a relationship that grows in a normal manner, they are in a delusional and contractual agreement with every other human being that states we will SUPPLY the Narcissist with EVERYTHING they desire and expect NOTHING in return except for emotional and psychological abuse that can disable a victim’s core beliefs. REMEMBER this –after Narcissistic abuse – there is light, life and love but we have to come back to it and that starts with no/minimal contact is the only way out! Greg
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
It is during the devaluation phase that you see the real monster behind the mask because the first vision you had was that CHARMING person that was presented to you. But now that Narcissist has emotionally sucked you dry and probably lined up someone new to use and abuse. They have completed another cycle of abuse because YOU saw the truth and they knew it. THEN the rage and attacks start and it is too late because you have been disabled and already lost your reality and soul. You only know how to accept all of the Narcissist’s punches to your heart and mind and react with the least resistance because your reality has been modified to accept this abusive reality in an effort to fix the relationship ONCE MORE. You have always concentrated on keeping things real because you believed – but what was real except for all of the lies, betrayal, and manipulation and how this person was totally coning your life away from you! AGAIN please internalize this message as the reality of your situation and throw that ‘love bomb’ out the window before it blows up one more time in your heart and head.
When I saw and actualized the real truth it was unfortunately too late because all of the psychological damage was done and the negative messages were planted in my head! Even as strong as I believed I was the horrendous manipulation took my reality and my individuality away and distorted my very thoughts! The damage was also done to the people I cared about and loved too – and they were poisoned to believe the Narcissist’s lies. That Narcissist had to pull out all of the big guns to totally disable me, causing so much havoc within my family, my career and my whole life to instill more fear in me and keep me away from fighting back to avoid exposure. At the time my mother was living out her last days and this Narcissist even used this in a manner to kick me harder because I was dealing with this tragedy. They are relentless and soulless creatures that lack ANY and ALL empathy as it concerns people. A Narcissist counts on our vulnerability and fear to enable them to control us in any manner they choose – and they create this fear within us! There was no chance at that point to work on myself and figure this all out because I WAS too vulnerable and mentally unhealthy after the years of abuse. The discard battle ensued and was in full force with this Narcissist to try to destroy me when I was no longer a viable source of supply AND wise to them. Then as a Narcissist does to their targets/victims there was also the manipulation AFTER the discard to try to keep me believing with MORE horrendous lies and even saying we could work things out and that went on for almost a year. That was just to divert me, silence me, and to keep me still believing AND confused so I wouldn’t expose this Narcissist! It is the same manipulation that a Narcissist uses all through the relationship that NOW keeps you/us tied into them and STILL believing while they escape the exposure that they are ABUSIVE and move onto their next targets/victim IN THE RELATIONSHIP or out of it with the final discard. They LOVE any kind of power and control!
So when the end is apparent you are still operating with all of the distorted messages that you were conditioned into believing all throughout the relationship and it makes you feel very alone and desperate to just fix this somehow. It is the ‘same old same old’ as the saying goes! You are not seeing solutions YET, instead you are only reacting to the pain the best you can. Once you are at the discard phase you are only fighting all the harder to fix this because the Narcissist is making you BELIEVE and controlling you with more and more lies! They feel powerful and on top of their game because you are so broken from all of the past abuse! So YES, maybe I was not in my right mind, but that is where this Narcissist wanted me to be and that is what they do to each and every target/victim. I was no fool though, I was and am a very loving and caring person that has empathy and wants to trust and believe in people, but unfortunately I wasn’t dealing with a real person, nor did I see the truth until it was too late. MOST importantly I didn’t have a counter offensive to this abuse because I didn’t know it was abuse at the time! I didn’t have defenses in place at the time to counteract all of the horrendous mind distorting games – nor did I know this was a dysfunctional and destructive con artist or I would have ended this and had this person thrown in jail or locked up in an insane asylum in a heartbeat (unfortunately that isn’t reality because that is difficult to do with this abuse)! BUT through knowledge, education and the support of other victims and survivors I learned the truth and made it my passion to help other people understand the truth as it concerns them as well.
Lies of course are the basic tools a Narcissist uses and they have these lies in place everywhere you turn. They have full ‘back up’ from other people that they have also conned, as well as from the people they charm so seamlessly – remember normal to them is just lies and fictitious stories they create to build up their latest facade. I am not a dumb person that believes everything I hear or see, but I was intentionally blinded from the truth about so many situations, and without that truth I was conned completely. My emotions also kept me from believing my intuition that was screaming at me so many times! Emotions are natural to real people! AGAIN I was not the only person that was conned into believing this Narcissist’s departures from reality. I did finally see through the lies as we all do because these creatures are insatiable as far as finding new supply and acting upon their every perverted need AND they get caught in the lies too easily and that is really to our benefit because it exposes their darkness and we see the real truth!
This is what they do so that you become dependent on them – this is what their abuse amounts too OR total subjugation of a good human being because they make us their emotional punching bag because of their extreme envy of life and people and their complete lack of empathy. They are very real and destructive creatures and when they trap you in their dark world you have to escape or you could lose your life. This is what the outside world does not see nor understand. It seems like we allowed it because the signs were there all around us! But there were no signs that spelled out abuse and destruction. There were red flags waving but none of them said get out to save your life. Psychological abuse is subtle at first – so the target/victim doesn’t escape the agenda of the person administering it until it is too late. I may be foolish about some things but when it concerns my well-being I am no fool to allow a person to destroy my life. Never assume a role that assigns blame and thinking that makes you out to be that weak. There are REAL and viable actions from a Narcissist like extreme manipulation, gas-lighting, triangulation, lies, etc. that create this abusive situation that takes a victim down. You will do a personal inventory to seek out your personal weaknesses and shore them up when you are healthy – but that is more aptly described as creating boundaries! We are many different types of people that fall prey to this abuse! BUT none of us wanted it or deserved it!
There was a time that I hated this Narcissist, but I realized I hated myself because I believed that this was my fault somehow. I forgave myself when I allowed the truth to become my rational reality. No I wasn’t stupid because I believed in what I shouldn’t have believed in. Yes, let’s say that somehow I allowed parts of it in between all of the manipulation and lies BUT I finally got it when the truth became overwhelmingly evident. The truth is not meant to be apparent with a Narcissist, because it would expose them for what they are. Confront them with it and you might as well throw yourself into a tank with hungry sharks!
It was not an easy task getting to the truth because I didn’t know I was dealing with so, so many lies UNTIL they presented themselves to me. There were so many inconsistencies as well as too much disparity with so many people connected to this Narcissist’s life. Friends and family were revealing bits and pieces of the truth and it was overwhelming AND confusing. A new pattern was revealing itself as it concerned my connection and relationship and that was this person was distorting what was real to avoid all accountability and ANY connection to their past! This Narcissist could not afford any more exposure because there was already so much mounting evidence that was already there from past relationships and trouble with most ALL of the family! I had to be destroyed and discredited just like the previous targets/victims were! I was put into a battle and this Narcissist wanted to destroy my integrity and life. A Narcissist just can’t stabilize their ‘out of control’ lifestyle because their needs outweigh EVERYTHING else. They are NOT fully functioning human beings and they are destructive!
So I finally accepted what I had to and realized that a person that SUPPOSEDLY loved me would not do any of this unless they intentionally wanted to DESTROY me. Then I took into account just how horribly disordered all of these things were and that sold me on the truth that this person was very damaged and destructive. Finally I had to put my emotions away because they were corrupting the truth of what I was dealing with – a highly disordered and abusive person. It may sound too simple because I am not presenting every single thought, all the factual information, nor the amount of time and sick pain that also came along with these revelations. When I take myself back to my abuse and the pathetic lies and excuses this Narcissist used to cover the truth I just shake my head in disgust and repulsion now. I use to feel like a huge fool, but I know I am not to blame for what was just a distorted game that was personally implemented and imposed on me by this disordered and destructive person. Sadly, the truth didn’t reveal itself when I was a viable and useful source of supply and why we don’t get it until we are no longer useful. A Narcissist pours it on so seamlessly in the beginning because they are getting what they need! We believe it is relative to the love that two people create together. With me, when the truth came out, then I knew I had to get away with my life and that is the journey I started on. Now I can use this truth to help other people. It doesn’t have any negative effect on me, just information I can share to help other people find their way back and you will be at this same place too.
Do whatever it takes to achieve the truth or your ‘ah ha’ moment so you can move on and away from having ANY part in your life! Yes, there were many obstacles, the smear campaign, minions, destruction to your integrity, more games, and more abuse. With me it finally ended when I stopped allowing it and until I committed to changing myself to end this crazy dance! I survived the damage, and I didn’t lose those people that knew me and loved me. I gained a whole new healthy perspective about life and people. I learned to love what was good in me and change what was damaged in me. My biggest lesson was to displace everything about this Narcissist from my life. To reject that this Narcissist was real to me, to accept that this damaged person didn’t care to change and to let it go at that. I know that this may not seem like a viable solution right now to many because the pain is overwhelming but it is a start so please consider this. It is workable and what you must do first or moving on from the Narcissist enough to gain a real understanding (clarity) and then start building your life back up from there. You must do something to end all of the disparity and it only happens by the changes you make for yourself. You have an abundance of love that you gave freely and you must now give it back to yourself. If you don’t free yourself from these chains of this abuse, you will carry them around forever. You can heal from this when you throw that Narcissist out of your life and mind completely.
My advice to you is consistent, however. Do not maintain contact with the Narcissist once the relationship is over. Go no/minimal contact. They know you and how to manipulate your emotions – so accept what they are and what they can do to you if you allow them any bit of entry into your life especially as it concerns YOUR emotions. Having control over you gives them pleasure, every time you reach out to them, you are providing Narcissistic Supply and that is ALL they want. PLUS, Narcissists hate being ignored so they won’t leave you alone until they’ve found a new victim who will adore them without question and then they will replace you in a heartbeat. BUT remember they need to silence you to avoid exposure, so they will do what they can to destroy your integrity. They also WANT to rub your face in all of this to make you always feel worthless in their eyes. That unfortunately is unavoidable but you will survive that too. Only you can allow this Narcissist to completely destroy you, so please don’t. There is nothing and I mean absolutely nothing you can do to fix them or this relationship! There are no miracles out there that can change this creature! There is one miracle and that is you – you can break this cycle of abuse because you have all of the tools right there with you to take you back to a normal reality.
So, how do you end the madness and get your Narcissist out of your mind? Stop trying and allow the truth to get you there! Let them occupy that space for whatever time it takes you to actualize the truth but seek it out as quickly as you can so you don’t stay a victim to them any longer than getting to the truth and releasing. What you suppress will surface until you deal with it. There will be days that you feel that you are only crawling along this path of recovery, BUT any forward motion is success! THERE IS NO OTHER ALTERNATIVE TO THIS! Understand the ABUSE through education and talking it out and then move on and away from them occupying any part of your mind. They are what they are and that is as far as you have to go as the Narcissist is concerned. What you have experienced should never be forgotten because it is now a lesson that you must remember, THEN you are less likely to fall into another Narcissist’s web of abuse. While it seems like I am suggesting that you do not put them out of your mind I am not, I mean don’t put the real lessons from this negative experience away and instead make those lessons new boundaries. Don’t permit ANY of the memories about them rule your life or sanity or you will be lost forever inside of them. Once you work out the true reality or nature of your experience, you will find a way to heal from a Narcissists abuse. It is not easy and it will take time and attention, as well as complete self-honesty. Don’t forget that life is out there and you have to reconnect with it again. Don’t allow disparity to lock you up LIKE A PRISONER. Find a minute, an hour or whatever time to enjoy something or get together with people. REMEMBER this all can only start with no/minimal contact. Greg
Narcissists are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.
Narcissists use a vast arsenal of tools to debase, dehumanize and eventually destroy a person’s self-esteem, and overall spirit – this is psychological abuse pure and simple and they are ABUSERS. We have all heard this many times over, and it is a fact that these words are 100% true – BUT beyond this truth is the reality that there are many targets/victims that have to deal with the destruction caused by a malignant Narcissist. These targets/victims are not just wives, husbands, partners, but also biological children, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers and any other human being in every walk of life!
Narcissist CHARM people into their world and then reduce their spirits to worthlessness AND feeling so vulnerable and THAT is when they start with the psychological terrorism so that they can control their minds and basically use them or harvest them as a source of supply. A Narcissist will employ cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse and shrewd manipulative linguistic or language patterns to CONTROL people around them and force them to question their own sanity and reality AND in turn become dependent on the Narcissist for their reality. Narcissists will also smear their target/victim’s good nature/name behind their back destroying their integrity to others (friends, family, co-workers) so that THEY will also start questioning the sanity of the target/victim. It is like a game of “power and control” through the use of these various methods so that the Narcissist’s is always in charge of their immediate environment and controlling every aspect of it with lies, false appearances, triangulation, coning people, isolating their victims, etc. Narcissists have everybody around them fooled by their charm that hides their true pathological nature and that is what makes them dangerous because behind that mask of sanity is their deceptive agenda that will drain a victim of their worth, erase their personality, and then the Narcissist will just move onto another victim or victims!
When communicating, discussing, debating, or arguing with a Narcissist, a target/victim usually finds themselves at a COMPLETE dead-end. The target/victim’s logic always becomes incompatible or discombobulated with that of the Narcissist and the victim always get purposely outwitted and then steered in the opposite direction from the original topic, especially if it is around questioning them (the Narcissist) or accountability as it concerns the Narcissist. Basically communicating with them is like walking through a “House of Mirrors” at a carnival. Every thought you express is distorted in so many different ways that you don’t even recognize the original thought and it causes complete confusion– just like your image in the many mirrors that are created to distort your image and make you lose track of your original starting point and destination.
If you say the sky is blue the Narcissist will somehow negate the possibility of it being blue to make you wrong. The Narcissist may even hint that you have certain psychological issues concerning your thoughts about the sky being blue because he/she wants to manage you down. The Narcissist will back it up with concerns that your friends, family, or associates have about your “wild allegations” of the sky being BLUE. Then the Narcissist will accuse you of having an affair and using your story of the “blue sky” as a diversion tactic to trick THEM. Finally, that Narcissist will employ punishment and the silent treatment because of your argumentative views, lies and betrayal concerning your “blue sky” story. The Narcissist then runs out to find a little extra supply on the side to betray you since they now have some “free time” after the chaotic and wild “blue sky” story that has left you in shock, silenced and isolated. After a day or so they come back and tell you that IN FACT the sky is now blue as if the issue over the blue sky never even came up at all AND PERHAPS YOU OVERREACTED! You MAY even get flowers, or dinner, BUT you end up paying for it as usual! OH – and they will tell you that they were taking care of a sick relative and that is why you didn’t hear from them for that day or so that they disappeared. Do we call this denial on the Narcissist’s part that they are just this delusional or are they just denying us access to them using all of these “crazy and chaotic” diversions that deflect us away from the truth about them so they can get away with everything and anything? I say it is all diversions!
The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication to divert reality and cause chaos so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is at that very moment because THIS IS HOW THEY FUNCTION. This agenda is many things, but basically to secure supply, from us and from whoever else is willing to give them supply – it supports their false mask/persona. It took me a while to understand just how this worked, as well as how my Narcissist would divert from every aspect of their life/lifestyle. Everything was always a mystery as far as the past and present. Let me put it this way – everything was MEANT to be kept this way so I would never learn the truth about this Narcissist’s abusive past, out-of-control lifestyle, as well as a perverted lifestyle. Any time I would speak to this Narcissist’s mother I would find out about something that this Narcissist had lied about AND I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK because the truth just always seemed to come out on its own. So, you can imagine just how much this Narcissist was lying, re-writing history and every other little diabolical action. I was always kept at a distance from the Narcissist’s family, but of course told that I never made an attempt to get to know them – AGAIN just more diversion. Remember everything is OUR fault even the very horrendous things they do to us!
Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask, so beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live and we SUPPORT.
How does a simple question concerning accountability turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are and they HAVE to protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. They can NEVER see that real and horrible image of themselves reflected from any of us – that is why they create their amazing facades so the only reflection they see is the one they create that is all lies. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade. In the end when we KNOW the real truth they do a preemptive and silent attack with their smear campaign to completely destroy our integrity so no one will believe us when we start to tell the truth about this pathological critter.
Beneath that thin mask the Narcissist wears is the reality of their pathological self PLUS their WHOLE past of victims/targets they have abused and a raging temper that is like a volcano that can erupt at any given moment. YES, they are aware of their actions because they use lie after lie to cover up their abuse – but they just do not have the mechanics to care. Like a child that stole a piece of candy and lies about it to avoid being punished – so does the Narcissist at a monumental level. Remember their past is always following them and should they ever stop for a moment it will catch up with them and completely consume them because they are abusers that have damaged many people’s lives – even their own family. When the going gets tough the Narcissist gets going – so they are off and running to new supply ALWAYS surrounding themselves with a protective circle of new targets/victims, NEW LIES, as well as a new and WONDEROUS life to shore up their disordered facade AGAIN – and this equation ALWAYS includes the demise/destruction of the previous source of supply and the “believers” that support the delusional Narcissist! Thus, the cycle of abuse – they are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.
A Narcissist will also create vivid situations where they start a conversation off with an agenda in mind – one to create a smokescreen or diversion of some sort. They confuse the target/victim with chaos to perhaps divert a situation into an argument to be able to sneak out and secure some supply they acquired on the side, or just to debase a target/victim and keep them walking on eggshells or to cause constant anxiety to keep us CONDITIONED and a slave to their pathology. This is like being a POW or prisoner of war to the Narcissist – torture and all! This is what they do because what lives inside of them is such a disordered personality that if we were to even have a small glimpse of what they really are I believe we would be shocked even more by the reality of ALL THE TRUTH. I learned this about my Narcissist through talking to their friends and family and I never imagined that there was even more than what I experienced but there was/is, and the truth was beyond a capacity for me to understand. We see the tip of the iceberg and what is hidden beneath the water is monumental in size and so destructive to many people, especially IF THE TRUTH WOULD GET OUT!
Lies and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing reality, but the Narcissist also does this with an agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives, then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity! BUT here is the truth – you are an amazing person, you have all of your mental facilities, you can love, you have great empathy, and you are STRONG because you survived this and are here today. You will recover from this and be free from this abuser. It all starts now with education, knowledge and support. You will align with all of this and the truth of your situation and purge all of the abuse out of your life. It is a process that requires time but it is worth it because you will get your good life back and freedom. It all starts with no/minimal contact to get the clarity you need! Greg