Coming out of the fog of abuse – our first steps to recovery

Coming out of the fog of abuse – our first steps to recovery. Some general information to hopefully guide you through the chaos, destruction, and discard so that you have a small advantage that may help you understand the confusion and negative feelings you are experiencing NOW and go from there.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto- Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

This abuse in itself confounds or confuses us in so many ways that our thoughts are never centered on any one issue as it concerns US – that is the TRAUMA associated with this abuse. More than likely the negativity that surrounds you is ever present, consuming, and preoccupying your every thought process. It surfaces as anxiety, depression, shock, fear, isolation, grief, or the whole nine yards. These are actually the first tiny steps that start us out on our journey to recovery and that is unraveling the confusion and sorting it out. We KNOW something is just not quite right. We have to acknowledge the confusion to know it, and then we process it. There is not anything unusual about these experiences as confounding as our thought processes are, but we have to understand that it is a part of the process we have to go through first and that is unraveling all of the confusion. It is what you hear described as the ‘fog’ that we are in. From this your voice becomes the tool to externalize those confusing thoughts to help you put some order to the disorder. Believe me it will come, but like everything else you have to start someplace.

When you actualize the situation, it isn’t just grieving the emotional connection that we felt for this person, but a new reality that they were there and actually extorting our life, our connection with them, and even our emotions and trying to destroy us – just the reality of this abuse. The truth about them now becomes a huge influence on our thoughts and feelings and it confounds the situation even more as far as clarity. It is clinically called ‘cognitive dissonance’ where we have two conflicting realities. We believed we were in love (or had a connection with them), but we also know that it wasn’t real love/connection but instead a huge betrayal of our love/connection from an abusive person. Not easy to have to believe the truth because they are so far apart and polar opposites. Nor is it us ignoring the facts that this abuse was staring us in the face. Sure we were aware that there were problems because this Narcissist was acting out in cruel ways that we personally understand from our experiences, but we were trying to be real WHERE THERE WAS NO REAL. We were being manipulated in the cruelest way by someone (a Narcissist) that was monopolizing on their deceptive ability to manipulate and manage down our healthy thoughts. This is subjugation of a human being pure and simple or denying the human rights we all deserve. This is our new reality and we have to explore this so that we can actualize the truth.

It doesn’t make us weak it was brainwashing, control, and extreme betrayal that created the confusion that blinded our ability to move forward in the positive direction we wanted. Everyone tells us we should have seen these flags or signs, but it is not JUST THAT, it was also about the manipulative influence that kept us believing – BUT we did get it eventually. I heard the same things, and I did get what they were saying. Repeatedly I was asked how I missed the obvious signs that my Narcissist was “off” in so many ways, AND supposedly they saw it. But I was ALSO off my game in many ways after the many years of this abuse and just too vulnerable! Narcissists break people with emotional and verbal beatings because they are just that sadistic.

 What it really boils down to is the reality of the WHOLE situation that built up to this. We didn’t take on a Narcissist knowing they were damaged and destructive. We took on the possibility of a shared partnership (so to say), or the possibility of starting on a journey that could be that “love of our life” and that is absolutely normal to every person. Yes, we were swept up in a whirlwind romance/connection and sure that was a red flag, but really other people have experienced the same and made it work (in the normal world,) so why would this be different for us? The red flags came later and AFTER we fell into our fake love/connection BUT we believed it was REAL love/connection and were controlled to believe this.

The extreme charm and attention they gave us or ‘love bombing’ was just the trap that started us on our journey and what imprisoned us in their dysfunctional world. we bent so much so that we almost snapped. But little by little we were managed down to bend more and more until we got to that breaking point. But where was that rule book, supportive person, or Narcissist cop that should have been patrolling and arresting all these Narcissists. Just some dry humor but the truth is that nobody really knew that this person was very damaged and meant to harm or destroy us. Yes, friends were there for brief comments, but they didn’t know the actual danger that we were in because in reality we didn’t know this either. Abusers wear many masks that hide their true nature and defective parts because they have to in order to abuse as they do.

Lastly, how many people have experienced or dealt with these two conflicting realities in their past – being made to believe in love/connection but it was all a con job to harm us or them! I had no reference in my life that alerted me to any of this and why would I? This is why it is nearly impossible to go to our loved ones or day to day friends for the actual support to help us through this. We need REAL insight from experienced people, positive solutions, and sometimes help from professionals – BUT we can do it and become a survivor and even thrive! Greg

Abusers just do NOT all of sudden change and stop abusing because they do NOT have an ‘off switch,’ THIS is who they ALWAYS are!

Abusers just do NOT all of sudden change and stop abusing because they do NOT have an ‘off switch,’ THIS is who they ALWAYS are! FACT: A Narcissist never really moves on in a normal or healthy way – they just move OVER to another viable source of supply that they were able to CHARM (manipulate) into their world just like they did to us. It is ALL the constantly changing mechanics of their abuse agenda, and there is nothing more to it than a new VICTIM and a new opportunity for supply because we served our purpose and there is nothing left for THEM. They will portray this ‘so called’ new relationship as AMAZING, but that is just their delusional ‘public relations campaign’ to protect themselves AND discredit us by making themselves look like the normal one JUST in case we speak up with the truth. Do not forget they also want to rub this new scam in our faces to kick us more while we are down!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

No matter what, we MUST understand that what we are feeling are those emotions we were conned into believing that THIS was the real thing and somehow we failed because of something we did or didn’t do to make it right. NO – none of this was real and only a repeat agenda of this Narcissist that they will consistently repeat over and over again with MANY other targets. It had NOTHING to do with us personally or who we are or are not. Every day tell yourself this truth, even if you must crawl to get there! All of this is the poison that they poured into our hearts and minds to blame us so they could easily make their exit while wounding us on the way out or in essence silencing us. The rest of the ‘discard devaluation’ will follow as they proclaim their new relationship, new love, amazing love, etc. – all showboating so THEY SEEM like the normal one to protect their image from the truth that we might expose about THEM – or discrediting us upfront!

So, to start, one of the most important issues when trying to recover from Narcissistic abuse is our tendency to obsess about the abuser in our life. We tend to believe that while we are left holding all the dark and delusional energy from the relationship, the abuser escaped without any repercussions and with all the goods. We imagine the Narcissist to be off walking in the sunset with his/her new love while we are sitting at home suffering depression, apathy, anger and horrific emotional pain, financial loss and psychological issues that they imposed on us. Remember they are still a Narcissist, and I would rather recover from their abuse than be one of THEM!

If we really take the time to think about it, it is highly unlikely that our abuser is really having the happy life that they SAY they do. The clinical aspect of this abuse AND why the Narcissist acts out in the manner he/she does stems from a deep sense of inadequacy and low self-worth. The Narcissist is forced to get his/her feelings of well-being from external things or those (people) outside himself/herself. A Narcissist may temporarily experience the illusion of perfection with another person because they MUST seek this attention/adulation out to survive, much like they did with us, but AGAIN this is “temporary” because they do NOT bond with people – everything in their world is externalized or objectification.

If the Narcissist builds his/her self-image or good feelings about themselves based on how he/she is perceived by others, it is only a matter of time before the “love spell” is broken just like with us. Remember there are no internal mechanisms; everything is based on external images that the Narcissist sees/uses as their own reflection of perfection. You need the mix of the healthy internal mechanisms of love, empathy, compassion, as well as the harmony/co-existence WITH the external world to live and to grow with another person.

Sooner or later his/her new love will have issues or complaints with the relationship because a Narcissist can’t survive with JUST ONE SOURCE OF SUPPLY. Also, a Narcissist does not allow individuality and face it this always becomes an issue because we were born to support our own thoughts and actions to validate our existence and support our goals/plans, etc. in life – that is just normal and people naturally disagree on different issues. WELL, a Narcissist can’t and won’t allow the slightest deviation from their projected image of perfection so EVERYONE will be devalued and discarded just because we have our own mind and personality – so there is never growth that allows another person individuality or to be a part of a real relationship.

There is never a ‘new healthy relationship’ with a Narcissist so do not obsess about this and remember that things are not always as they appear especially with this Narcissist that has lied to you/us every moment that they were breathing. We are not the exception to the rule that drove this person to abuse us NOR did they suddenly change overnight and become healthy with a new ‘love’. Think about the unconditional love and support that you gave to this person (the Narcissist,) and who would reject/destroy this love but a highly disordered person. This was all a huge con job starting from the very first day we met them.

What you see or imagine is likely a fantasy that you have created in your own mind that the Narcissist has reinforced with more lies and illusions to keep you under their control and make you out to be obsessed. It heightens their image of themselves to manipulate you even more after the fact so they can prove to the world that they are just that amazing and you (we) are obsessed, scorned, or can’t move on without them. Guess what – we can, and I have and this place I am at is wonderful and how it is meant to be.

Changing this fantasy means taking back the power and controlling your thoughts to change what you tell yourself because you now know the truth, right? When we live our lives in dysfunction there is always black and white thinking. We are either all good or all bad and guess who is controlling all of this – YUP the Narcissist. There are no shades of gray where a Narcissist is involved, and we somehow lose the ability to believe in ourselves as we once did.

When the Narcissist projects all of these images that we are to blame, it is our problem, always our fault, etc. and we feel ‘shame’ as if we ARE the bad one and they in turn become the good one. We try to fix each and every one of their delusional attacks on our integrity as if we did something/anything to deserve this – just an outcome of their brainwashing. This destroys our self-worth, and we feel so much worse because we have somehow lost everything that we believed was good about ourselves. We are under the illusion that our good has been taken away, conned out of us, stolen from us, kidnapped because we believed in love AND WERE DUPED. But this is far from the truth of what is happening.

You felt worthy and loveable once. So, what happened? We gave the Narcissist the power to validate us because we became emotionally attached thinking we would grow as two normal people do in a relationship OR we believed in them and gave them our trust. Unfortunately, when we give someone else the power to validate our worthiness, we also give them the power to invalidate us and NOW after the fact we see what the Narcissist has done with that trust we offered as well as all the personal information we gave so freely (as normal people do) – they abused it and used it against us.

With a Narcissist nobody is ever worthy of a real relationship of ANY type or love – EVEN themselves. They pretend that they are perfect and love everything about themselves, but they are a huge needy pit that only sucks the life energy out of everybody they come in contact with. Do you really want to spend your life fixing or loving that? NO – just like everyone else I can tell you stories that would have your head spinning, but you have many of your own stories that would send my head spinning too. It was a demeaning, dehumanizing, debasing and a destructive life with them AND they DO NOT CHANGE – so we must start responding in a manner to encapsulate all of this into what we call emotional and psychological abuse from a Narcissist and purge it and them out of our lives forever. No/minimal contact always. Greg

Narcissists are insecure, envious, and malicious so much so that they are ALWAYS on the defensive with their MANY facades because they must look normal enough to fit into OUR world, so they put up a HUGE wall to protect it. They MUST control their environment especially IN PUBLIC because they KNOW what they are, and they MUST protect themselves from being exposed as the abuser they are!

Narcissists are insecure, envious, and malicious so much so that they are ALWAYS on the defensive with their MANY facades because they must look normal enough to fit into OUR world, so they put up a HUGE wall to protect it. They MUST control their environment especially IN PUBLIC because they KNOW what they are, and they MUST protect themselves from being exposed as the abuser they are!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

They are ALWAYS ahead of the game because they must be! A Narcissist has been betraying you all along with backstabbing and triangulation to constantly be in control. They do this for various reasons but basically to divide and conquer as well as to destroy the victims they abuse by discrediting them FIRST.

So, the TRUTH and the real lesson about a Narcissist: Again, the Narcissist creates the grand illusion of a “special bond” or “love” for those whom he/she finds most useful at any given moment. This interprets as those who enhance his/her reputation, or help him/her lure or procure other sexual partners, or offer him/her money, property, status, etc. For those unlucky individuals that the Narcissists fosters a relationship with it is really to isolate and target us for the time being to drain us of whatever it is that Narcissist is after, and they hoard over (isolate) us until they have gotten all they can get. Everyone who sees through the Narcissist’s mask of insanity or exposes his/her lies becomes an “enemy” in the Narcissist’s eyes, and therefore a target of his/her hatred and will be devalued and destroyed!

Their life boils down to an accumulation of targets/victims, sexual partners, and whatever property gains they manage to extort. As many spouses know Narcissists will have children with them as well, and sometimes children to other spouses or partners. It is sort of like a collection of human beings for the Narcissist or better yet objects that have no emotional depth or the chance of a worthwhile life with this Narcissist acting like a real parent. Malignant Narcissist are so heartless and callous that they reject their own children once they devalue and discard the target/victim spouse. BUT they will portray themselves as the BETTER spouse that is a complete care giver to these children, often taking credit for things the abused spouse has done.

So, the truth here is that their abuse is absolute and fundamental to the Narcissist’s survival in the real world. The Narcissist cannot change and, most importantly, they DON’T want to change. They inhabit a fantasy world which becomes reality for them and those they manage to brainwash. There is no reality or truth for any person that resides in their world. It is a train wreck waiting to happen and there are always many victims. In their world the truth and falsehood only hold a weak instrumental meaning as they apply it to any situation and there is absolutely no morality contained in any of their thoughts or actions.

We must imprint this message in our minds that at the core of the Narcissist’s psychopathy is a mindset governed by their grandiosity, lack of empathy for others, and a grand sense of entitlement and superiority that places them above laws and morality. The Narcissist grossly overestimates their abilities and accomplishments and underestimates the complete being of their target/victim. Simply put, the Narcissist should be able to do anything they wish, however harmful and destructive, because the Narcissist is better than others. In the Narcissist’s mind, by making us a part of their wonderful life by mere association with them, he/she passes on to us this grandiosity as if they are royalty and that is our reward. It is ridiculous and repulsive that they can believe this nonsense and more akin to pompousness and arrogance. There is only one way with a Narcissist – their way and we must reject that and get as far away from them as we can or be pulled down deeper and deeper into their psychopathy to the point that it can drive us to the point of disparity or insanity. No/minimal contact to BREAK the cycle of their abuse always. Knowledge and education about this abuse is imperative to starting on your road to recovery! Greg

Let’s really understand the truth and internalize that there is NOTHING real about a Narcissist, NOR is there ever a relationship with them, and we can never change ANY of that! Everything they said and did was a product of the situational abuse they pulled you into. There is no shame or blame to be placed on you – you pulled through this and are an amazing survivor that survived the trauma of a disaster with a malignant Narcissist, and you will THRIVE!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist is chameleonlike and camouflages itself with intoxicating CHARM, so they basically get away with virtual psychological murder. They are good at it too. They even use it to get people to love them, so they can violate them emotionally and psychologically. Nobody is impervious to the Narcissists CHARM because they use it in every walk of life to get EVERYTHING they want and at all costs.

This chameleon nature of the Narcissist is a façade, false self or the ‘mask that they PRESENT to the real world that FOOLS us but allows them to get by or pass as normal and even likeable in public, but they are cruel, nasty dictators, terrorists, and abusers in their private lives AND behind people’s backs. They often have incredibly dysfunctional and damaged family lives and it is not uncommon for them to have multiple relationships or ‘past’ partners (that they still use as “extra” supply on the side), or their ex’s that they harass and stalk relentlessly. Most have a long pattern of cheating on their partners. They are toxic and destructive individuals pure and simple, and THEY NEVER CHANGE. It is so very unfortunate that we fell for their façade and believed in them because the association we had with them was purely destructive to us and damaged so many levels of our lives.

The Narcissist sneakily back stabs people continually throughout their disordered life. To them it is control and power over others. They will consistently demonstrate their power with back handed and insulting behavior toward others AND in ALL walks of life. They will utilize behaviors like talking people down or making them the brunt of a rude and demeaning joke, making fun of them, totally ignoring or silencing them, being late for important events, simply not attending or walking out of events, avoiding being a team player at all costs, refusing to consult or ask for help and just acting out ON THEIR OWN SELF ACCLAIMED AUTHORITY. There are absolutely NO RULES that they follow, so there is never accountability either, and in fact that always gets displaced onto us through blame and shame because the Narcissist is the eternal victim of life. They will use BLAME everybody else as another tool to displace and divert from the truth of how disordered they are,

There is no having any type of a real relationship with a Narcissist, you may be in what you believe is a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you – you are Narcissistic supply or a working component in their life. You are only there to make them look good or because you are useful to the Narcissist as an object to satisfy a need. Nothing is ever internalized with a Narcissist like emotional bonds, caring, love or EMPATHY – it is ALL about them. Their world is totally external, and everyone is objectified like a shiny new car that the Narcissist drives/wears to make them look however special they feel they need to be AND as a tool to make THEIR life look shiny bright and work. Their image is a fake aspect of their chameleon like nature – and it constantly changes just like the chameleon changes its colors to blend into an environment. Pretty shrewd how they magically turn into whatever they need or want to be – but very deceptive and dangerous!

The Narcissist constantly violates boundaries albeit physical, emotional, and mental. They follow no rules in life, or respect human dignity/rights, or adhere to any written laws. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make, and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or take/steal anything that belongs to others. Ownership is their birthright or so they feel because they are above the normal order of life – remember THEY make all the rules. If they want it, they will take it. They will violate your standing with figures of authority to cause trouble/destruction or just to ‘one up’ you. They are truly extortionists, and they take everything and anything they can get their hands on from all walks of life. BUT remember this chameleon camouflages itself with CHARM – so they get away with virtual psychological murder because they have been doing this all their lives and they are just that good at it – they even use it to get people to love them, so they can violate them emotionally and psychologically. The people that know the truth about them are mostly their targets/victims – the rest become their minions at some useful level that they charm into believing just how special they are, AND they protect the Narcissist’s lies and disordered life – they are the enablers of their abuse.

OK, so the point here was/is to understand some of the mechanics that will hopefully help you release from the blame and shame that the Narcissist dumped into your head. You do not deserve to carry a debt for the time you spent with this person. You ARE a normal and loving human being that is equipped with empathy and you proved that all along. Do you ever remember feeling like this before you got involved with this Narcissist? NO, unless you were with another Narcissist. You did not magically go from a good person to an insensitive, non-caring person that could do nothing right in this crazy and debilitating relationship. You are not crazy or insane either. You were abused by a very defective person that ultimately managed you down more and more until eventually you lost sight of the real you. You will become that real person you once were because unlike the Narcissist WE ARE ABLE TO CHANGE. You were disabled by the extreme tactics used on you. With introspection, time, support, and real love, you can and will turn around. It is time for you to BELIEVE in yourself completely and discard everything and anything about what this Narcissist made you believe about yourself. They were a nightmare in your life, and now that you are awake and free from them it is time to put the real perspective or truth back into your reality that you are a normal and amazing person that has the tools to become whole again. You really must use them to succeed, so PLEASE no/minimal contact to start you out on that road to recovery! Greg

The Narcissist’s MASTER PLAN — Divert, divide, conquer, isolate, and CONTROL! The very basics to ABUSE their intended target.

The Narcissist’s MASTER PLAN — Divert, divide, conquer, isolate, and CONTROL! The very basics to ABUSE their intended target.

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! 

The Narcissist is basically grooming others WITH a deceptive agenda – divert, divide, conquer and control. In a normal relationship, people go out of their way to prove that they are trustworthy, but a Narcissist does exactly the opposite. They are constantly throwing subtle hints out there that make you and keep you feeling insecure. Perhaps they may be pursuing other people, other options, or spending their time with other people, so that you can never really settle down or feel secure or have any sense of a real connection with them. Mine sure did! They want to keep you on the edge of confusion and chaos constantly. They will always compound this manipulative ploy by denying it if you should bring it up in a conversation, calling you jealous, possessive, ALWAYS starting a fight, or even crazy. The Narcissist works everything they do into every possible vantage point (or spin) to control and manage you down. Where you started off and became accustomed to such a high level of charm and flattering attention – after they first lured you in with the extreme charm and love bombing – NOW feels very personal and unnerving because they are directing that attention elsewhere and they know what they are doing – devaluing you and controlling you through managing you down.

They have a methodology to put all of this into place, so some examples. They will perhaps totally cancel plans with you or spend a day with a ‘good’ friend AND perhaps the very one that supposedly complains about or dislikes YOU, or a friend you have never even heard mentioned before. They will ignore you perhaps saying they are spending more time with their family or close friends, and again they have probably told you that they were all horrible people and troublemakers in the first place but now they want to spend time with them – those mixed messages that confuse! They will keep you waiting until the last minute as far as it concerns finalizing plans and perhaps cancel at the last moment. They are never clear about plans perhaps suggesting something and then never mentioning it again. They will say they are going out to dinner with work friends out of the blue and it just does not seem to make sense! They will seek the sympathy of an ex when there is a problem or tragedy in their personal life, and then explain that they just have such a “special bond or friendship” that you would not or couldn’t understand. More than often that ex is someone they first claimed was crazy, a problem, abusive and unstable. Remember everything is all concocted garbage to manage you down and to make you feel detached as if you are not worthy, important or their first ‘go to person.’ In my situation most of these themes were used repeatedly but in reality ‘my Narcissist’ was never with whomever ‘my Narcissist’ said they were with. You can use your imagination to figure out the rest.

When you are going through this it is never apparent because so much abuse is circling around all your conscious thoughts that you never have the time to think anything through with any sense of reality or realizing the real truth that what they say is just more of their ‘crazy making!’ You never truly get through one level without other levels piling up on top of each other. The Narcissist is basically pitting YOU against a false situation AND people to make you feel that you just do not meet up with the Narcissist’s expectations or what they expect of you. It is the process of managing what you do or have done down through the Narcissist’s incredulous and fake stories to make everything and everybody seem so much better than you OR anything they do better than what YOU do. Think about this and then ask yourself this very important question — is any type of relationship a competition? Then ask yourself why you felt you had to try harder and harder.

So, what it boils down to is that this is just an attention seeking tactic that the Narcissist procures by managing us down to make us feel that we are not worthy enough by constantly comparing us to other people to make us feel that they are better and worthier than us. You in turn feel that the Narcissist should be embracing your unconditional acts of love or caring AND seeking comfort in you as they did in the beginning – this is how normal people relate in a normal relationship. You have always helped and healed them in the past, and been there for them, so what is up or what is different now? They once proclaimed their unending love as well as claimed that you were the reason, they were so happy. But now, they turn to friendships or past relationships instead of you, and they embellish the situation with subtle hints to make you feel that YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. This is also part of the devaluation phase for sure and you wonder if perhaps you are jealous, or you SHOULD do better – and there you have it!

Let’s take it a little further and look at technology. We now live in an era where technology makes it so much easier for Narcissists to manipulate and triangulate on social media sites that we all seem to use. It can be as simple as the Narcissist liking a comment from a complete stranger, old friend, or an ex, while ignoring ones from you. They will upload photos where they are with an ex, family, or anybody they claimed to dislike or hate before. Everything APPEARS to be unintentional, and you attribute it to the Narcissist’s insensitivity toward YOU but make no mistake – it is carefully calculated and placed there with an agenda in mind. They are always looking for supply by seducing anyone and everybody into their game as well as being braggarts and using media as a form of Narcissistic public relations.

They will strategically post ambiguous statuses that suggest you might be “losing” them. They will share things that are intentionally meant to lure in new and old targets by keeping their status as single. For example, the Narcissist may have an ongoing conversation with someone that is a stranger to you and more than likely a possibility for a new source of supply for the Narcissist. This does many things to the target/victim by first leaving them feeling confused, anxious, isolated and YES probably jealous – BUT it also makes, and this new person (or potential new supply) NOW feel confident, loved, and special. That Narcissist is looking for and grooming others as they erode your identity and essentially killing two birds with one stone. They are putting themselves out there for whatever may come their way (as they always do in reality – but now you can see it in writing)! They are very subtle, strategic, and efficient with their agenda ALWAYS. They seriously bump this up after the discard to really disable you to feel completely worthless, as well as rub their new and amazing life in your face – just a little more abuse to already add to the devastation. Nobody with any integrity or empathy would make someone that loved them, and they supposedly loved back ever feel this way. A Narcissist seriously gets off on this. You must wonder just how the new supply does not see through this, but they do not (in time they will experience it too.) Narcissists are masters at controlling people and spinning situations.

It is just simply described as bait and switch! They want you to confront them about these things, because they are MADE to seem minor in nature BUT by you mentioning something it will make you appear crazy and jealous just for bringing it up. They will calmly provide that ‘excuse’ for everything and then blame you in a manner to make you seem obsessed, jealous, etc. It is basically impossible to prove because it is always strategically placed and ambiguous. You cannot prove that they are luring in new supply with some sort of personal connection, but you know it – and THAT is called your intuition. This is the icing on the cake or how they finalize their crazy making. Think about mentioning or complaining about a social site status or comments that the Narcissist makes, and it does seem immature to ask, and that is exactly how they want you to feel, and that is how they strategize and trap you. Seriously there are no secrets or surprises when you love another person in a normal relationship. Intuition is always a strong indication and something I believe we have all ignored in favor of trying to fix the relationship or make things right! Hindsight is always 20/20 as they say and looking back at all of this it is so much clearer to me personally – but when your mind and heart are enmeshed with the manipulation, chaos, crazy making and everything else it is too confusing, and it overwhelms you at too many levels to think clearly as you can when you are away from the situation.

You will try to give them more positive reinforcement in response to the managing down, but it will NEVER be enough. The Narcissist WILL eventually get bored with you BECAUSE they cannot form healthy human bonds. There will always be a current entourage of new supply and fans that will always be there spoiling and admiring them, making you believe that the Narcissists really is a great person. Think of it ONLY as the Narcissist’s public relations plan, always recruiting and using any opportunity for new supply!

But take a careful look at your own thoughts because most of these fans and minions are just a fleeting fantasy that the Narcissist capitalizes on and most do not have that strong personal connection, or they were just a sexual conquest that hangs around. All that praise on the social sites is just carefully placed because the Narcissist is networking for future support or supply. Social networking sites are an extension of the fake mask they wear in public. Many of those pictures are just selfies to support their stories and lies and more than likely the person in these pictures with them may be wise about how disordered this Narcissist, and it was just a photo opportunity that the Narcissist took advantage of to say, ‘look at me, I am just that special!’

In the end we MUST internalize the truth even as hard as it is to do so. The sad reality is that this becomes clear once you are well on your way to recovery, so be patient because it is a process. If we would have understood this in the beginning, we would not have suffered through the abuse. BUT real information is necessary to move forward so you become clear, and CAN recover. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

After the discard you are dealing with so many corrupt messages meant to only abuse AND control you more and more into a submissive and silent role. It is done to basically silence you by making OR pointing you out to be the ‘crazy one’ or the troublemaker so the Narcissist avoids exposure. Very much of the destruction that the Narcissist inflicts on us is ALWAYS done well in advance before we are aware of their real motives during the discard phase, and they just embellish it a bit more by puling us into more chaos. They will keep pulling you into this crazy making for one reason – to use as more proof that you are only obsessed and crazy by turning it all around. My Narcissist kept it up for a year after I decided I was done. Begging me, pleading with me, to stay, etc., and then turning it around if it was me doing the begging and pleading and I was scorned or obsessed. Again, just a trick to make you believe in them once more – but that Narcissist is gathering proof while you are believing their sincerity and they will use it against you. Even when there is absolute proof staring them in the face they will still lie and deny! I had the clarity to establish ‘no contact’ and THEN and only then was I able to accept all the distorted truths that I met up with a real-life monster! Do not stay stuck to this monster because you will only remain a puppet to their disordered and abusive agenda and running in circles. No/minimal contact to live and love again. Greg

WHY do Narcissists always play the victim when THEY are clearly the problem, the provoker, the chaotic person, and the ABUSER? Because it is just another mask/façade they wear to make their many DECEPTIVE agendas and lies work!

Question? WHY do Narcissists always play the victim when THEY are clearly the problem, the provoker, the chaotic person, and the ABUSER? Because it is just another mask/façade they wear to make their many DECEPTIVE agendas and lies work! They hide behind sympathy to cover up how THEY have abused another person – and use it as an opportunity to BLAME and create a smear campaign against the very person they abused! They also LOVE to play on and USE the sympathies of others for gain and while they are doing that, they are also able to pull a ‘supporter or minion’ into the mix to help them condemn a past victim or destroying the reputation of someone they want to attack. Actualizing the truth empowers us and takes their power away. Remember that they have compartmentalized MANY sources of supply and have charmed them into their roles as they did to us to achieve every possible agenda.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

A Narcissist is COMPLETELY calculating in every area of life to CONTROL people and their environment. They refuse ANY connection or obedience to the basic requirements of life or the natural moral laws as they apply to life and human rights – and they void all of that with BLAME and playing the VICTIM. Obedience to a Narcissist implies that there is something larger or better than what they are, and they will never comply because it would define them as being weak to allow anyone to feel significant enough to be their equal or better. It is almost like the Narcissist completely relates everything in life to a measurement – but this measurement begins with them – or as the saying goes, the sun rises and sets on a Narcissist because they feel they are above all life.

The Narcissist creates the terms of how THEY measure life – so if they were a “tape measure or a ruler”, they would determine the dynamics of each and every measurement OR define every inch of every foot – and you can believe that it would not be consistent as it is SUPPOSED to be. The Narcissist must be ‘that’ which measures (and judges) and NEVER that WHICH IS MEASURED and NEVER judged. Literally they “coin” the phrase “give them an inch and they will take a mile.” Well, that and anything they can get their tentacles around. Along with this remember that they will ALWAYS move the goalposts – especially to keep our emotions tangled up trying to please them. THEN when it is time for them to move on because they found something new – they will kick those goalposts so far away and out of reach by making you and I out to be the abuser. That is their way of saying goodbye as well as a way of protecting themselves from being exposed as the real abuser. Victimization gives them just another path to avoid facing their past if questioned and just their lack of empathy. NO, they do not care if they destroy you or I as long as they are not outed. Remember too that sympathy is also another form of supply to them too.

A Narcissist is calculating for the sake of procuring power! Power allows them the control over others that they need to function and survive in our world. It also protects them from exposure and facing the truth of their own disordered and abusive lifestyle. This false mask hides AND protects the Narcissist from having to face themselves off in the mirror and see the reality of WHAT THEY ARE – a modern day ‘DENIAL’ monster that is destructive and abuses life and people. They most assuredly destroy a target that catches on to them, plus they already have the replacement waiting in the wings to pick up the whole process where they left it off with us, stealing ‘supply’ and sucking the very life out of the new target. No fuss, no muss, and never emotions or love just a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist has a new host ready and waiting – seriously this is the truth.

Their entire life is built upon this premise to find “supply” to shore up their façade and they will employ the most devious means at their disposal to get it. So, this chameleon like Narcissist has many colors that help them adapt to every situation that exists that include every gambit of life – from like, love, dislike, hate, destruction, and victimization – and this is all very functional to them as well as mechanical to them and their lifestyle to GET WHAT THEY WANT. The key thing here is that they are abusive and psychologically damaging to people because they loathe people and life and create personal battles to make us pay for their hate.

Nevertheless, our first experiences with the Narcissist have allowed us to believe in a prince/princess ‘charming’ who have done great things in our lives like “loving us” so we hold on to/keep the faith, and live with this Narcissist’s amazing BUT fake integrity. It is our empathy, love and basic trust that are targeted. The Narcissist has bamboozled us through this wondrous and seemingly normal façade that IMITATES extreme goodness as well as fake virtues that we hold in good faith BUT really with little or no real accountability and that was a BIG OOPS. SO, there within the problem LIES – the Narcissist is so very adept at circumventing the intellect and manipulating man/womankind by their craft or better yet craftiness that they have perfected all of their life, so they target us where it counts – OUR EMOTIONS, TRUST, and LOVE!

Because Narcissists have depleted or deleted their character so profoundly through choices contrary to the norms of reason or basic DENIAL, they will even begin to see themselves as what they project, mirror, and bounce off us. If you are not governed by any natural or moral laws, but by the law of “whatever you want to be to get whatever you want” well then you hold great power, but you need to CONTROL the world to achieve this superiority, so the narcissist is fundamentally a dictator in all of their relationships because this is what they want to be – it is always about controlling their victim and using whatever they can to get there. In the end they will ALWAYS play the victim card to throw blame back onto us.

That CHARMING person that swept you off your feet and became the HARMING person in your life will always become increasingly more and more transparent and shoe that VAST array of fake personalities. From beginning to end, this was a phony relationship that only offered you a toxic dose of fake care, love, and real abuse. The Narcissist created a psychopathic bond through deception and manipulation – LIES, LIES, LIES – and we were seduced by them and maintained this relationship through self-sacrifice and denial. It is not what we wanted it was what we were led to do because of the vast arsenal of tools a Narcissist used/uses to psychologically seduce a target/victim. No/minimal contact so that you can return to a healthy life. Greg

Just say NO! We can NEVER engage with their chaos and conflict because they are aimed directly at diminishing us and managing us down to SUPPORT their NEED for supply and abusive agenda to control! Narcissists are masters of spin and diversionary tactics to drive their “conflicted reality” home through brute verbal force, fear, emotional dismissiveness, psychological games, and delusional reasoning. If you are involved with a Narcissist, you know these communication strategies firsthand.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

When you present the TRUTH and facts that contradict their beliefs, they bamboozle you by using off-topic tangents, changing the subject, calling you names, or creating an accusation AGAINST YOU to create CONFLICT and fear! It is NEVER about FACTS – but instead distorting FACTS to support their agenda. While you are still defending your original point and its validity, the Narcissist blows you off (because you are making sense/telling the truth) and distracts you by diverting to another chaos topic/situation that is completely out in left field, and then they condemn YOU with some off tangent nonsense. They are always judge, jury, and executioner. THIS is NOT a relationship with give and take – it is purely manipulation, subjugation, control, and abuse. 

Narcissists have absolutely no capacity for context or truth. Either you see things their way or you must be crushed into the ground – and believe me they think nothing of how they will crush a person into the ground. You cannot respectfully agree to disagree with them. Any criticism or difference of opinion is a challenge to their “authority, power, and control” and is seen as a threat and will be treated as such and you will be devalued, demeaned, debased, dehumanized, and destroyed – it is just that serious to them. BUT serious to them is not in any normal context – it is complete denial and avoidance all bundled up in all these tactics to be in control and exert power over us. Remember we are only an object to serve them so we must revere them as well OR ELSE!

The Narcissist employs loud and deliberate RAGING as another tactic when all else fails. The more wrong an emotionally and abusive Narcissist is the louder and/or more resolute they get with their attack. Their level of fake outrage, vindictiveness or emotional withdrawal is in direct proportion to how accurate you are. They will either talk over you, or shout at you, repeating the same simplistic, emotionally charged statements over and over until they drown out all reason, you pass out from the exhaustion of it all, or they give you the silent treatment until you submit and apologize for your “offense.” BUT THEY COMMITTED THE OFFENSE, and they are very adept at diverting from the truth with their pathological bullying so we better retreat and learn our lessons. My Narcissist employed this tactic every time they would find some anonymous sexual partner that I would find out about. First the incredulous story that I would shake my head at in total disbelief, then the extreme rage attack because I just did not believe this Narcissist, and then my morals were attacked if I was the guilty party.

LASTLY, let us remember that Narcissists are also very adept at shifting blame to all others for everything that is wrong and never consider how they contribute to and cause the issues as well as their own unhappiness. They just shift responsibility to make you seem bad and crazy in an effort to shame you into submission. They will punish you for their own offenses as well – that is what we are “employed for” by the Narcissist because THEY need to project onto us. We are here to serve them, save them, take care of their every need, change their diapers, accept all of their faults as if they are our own, allow them to betray us and accept it as well as be blamed for it, we must allow them to extort everything they can from us, and we are not allowed to view any of this as anything but a privilege to be in their company – AND they never give anything in return. If we follow all these rules, we are allowed to be their friend, their beloved family, or love them but we must also pay the price for this wonderful relationship by being stripped of our individuality, integrity, self-esteem and driven to insanity from their delusional abuse.

At heart, a Narcissist is a terroristic bully who will try to steamroll anyone who disagrees with them or when they DON’T get their way. It is not just about controlling THEIR reality, but controlling everyone else’s reality, too. When you allow a Narcissist to determine reality, it would be like letting one of the inmates control/run the asylum. There is only ONE way with a Narcissist and that is discarding them from our life with no/minimal contact. Greg

FACT – this is not/was not a NORMAL relationship by any means – it is an attack on our world and life by a personality disordered NARCISSIST.

FACT – this is not/was not a NORMAL relationship by any means – it is an attack on our world and life by a personality disordered NARCISSIST. They start their attack by using extreme CHARM to fool us into believing in them AND THEIR AGENDA, and then they start attacking our well-being after they have gained our trust and approval. It is a premeditated agenda to say the least! We MUST stop making ANY excuses for them or believing in them, thinking about them, or ruminating about what happened if we are to move forward to recovery and a healthy life.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

Narcissists intentionally use their extreme manipulation to manage people down and WHY? To CONTROL their target’s ability to think correctly by constantly twisting and distorting their thoughts and making them feel like they (the target) have LOST control over themselves or losing it.

Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled, and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory, and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (gas-lighting). Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out to you. They also make you believe you are ‘losing it’ or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation or CONTROL that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly ‘shifts and changes’ and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!

So where did that care, or ‘love’ go? Until the fact sinks in that their time with us, or anybody is never a ‘relationship’, but instead more of a pathological parasite feeding off you/us — you just won’t get Malignant Narcissism. You will keep acting on the premise that the Narcissist has some feelings ‘JUST’ for you, or some sort of conscience, morals, ‘cares for’ or even loves you – and that premise could not be further from the truth. It NEVER makes sense to you, so you keep blaming yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to do as if everything is always your fault. You are always wondering whether it is you, or it is YOU that has temporarily lost your ability to relate NORMALLY in your relationship, or better yet you are crazy like your Narcissist is telling you. NO, no, no, no, no, no – it is the Narcissist that is ‘that crazy one’ or clinically has the ‘personality disorder.’ Well, it is classified as a personality disorder but still in all it is chaotic and crazy behavior or better yet dehumanizing, demeaning, debasing, and destructive behavior to make you think YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. Control is power to an abuser so whether you are attacked physically or attacked mentally with hideous, destructive, and manipulating words, it is abuse from a disordered person, one that is not a fully functioning human being that lacks total empathy and love for their fellow man/womankind. You do not intentionally CONTROL, harm, hurt, or destroy any creature on this planet for ANY REASON and these monsters do it every waking moment of their lives. Knowledge is power that gives us clarity to move forward! Greg

How the Narcissist tries to drive us to the point of insanity! Let us put a real perspective on this and REALLY understand how a Narcissist uses GASLIGHTING all through the relationship to manage us down, diminish us, and control us! KNOWLEDGE is our superpower in escaping and exposing this abuse! 

How the Narcissist tries to drive us to the point of insanity! Let us put a real perspective on this and REALLY understand how a Narcissist uses GASLIGHTING all through the relationship to manage us down, diminish us, and control us! KNOWLEDGE is our superpower in escaping and exposing this abuse! 

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

NOW, for that perspective (one we NEED) and some education on that term ‘Gaslighting’ and how it endangers and DAMAGES a target/victim’s reality over a long period of time. This is the very tool that a Narcissist uses to drive their target/victim straight to the point of dependence, subservience, and insanity AND it all started out with them loving you so they can essentially disable you and take what they can or use YOU.

Gaslighting’ the Narcissist’s attempt to drive you to the point of insanity. BUT, what about when they said they cared, or were such an amazing friend, a family member, or love you? Well, THAT was also gaslighting too to get you to a place of trust with them – all part of the bigger picture and plan! Gaslighting – let us really understand the trap and all it encompasses – the charm, the manipulation, brainwashing, lies, betrayal, isolation, silencing, and everything else that these psychological terrorists traumatize us with. You are CRAZY, the source of ALL the problems, YOU are forgetful, YOU lie, YOU drive me insane, YOU stress me out, YOU are obsessed and jealous, AND all your friends and family AGREE! But I care so much about you and THAT is why I am trying to help you!

‘Gaslighting’ is purely the Narcissist’s attempt to literally make you believe that you are going insane! This term comes from the old black/white movie ‘Gaslight’ where a husband sets out to convince his very normal wife that she is insane because he is seeking out a fortune that is hidden in the attic. He secretly removes different things from their home and tells her she did it. He intentionally isolates her from others by convincing her she has issues and needs to be home and away from other people and the public trying to drive her to complete insanity. He uses her growing distress and confusion to prove to OTHERS that she IS unstable. The movie gets its name because the wife keeps noticing the ‘gas lights’ in their home dim and flicker which he is causing from being in the attic searching for this hidden fortune (in modern times it would be like our electric lights flickering), but the husband assures her that this is purely her imagination just like she imagines so many other things reinforcing that she has ISSUES – and thus the birth of the term ‘gaslighting’ to describe this extreme manipulation.

The term ‘gaslighting’ is now used to describe the psychological and emotional abuse that destroys the target/victim’s trust in their own perceptions of reality. People who distrust their perceptions are easier to manipulate and control so the abuser (Narcissist) slowly but surely creates this manipulative and purely deceptive scenario day by day until they have weakened their target/victim and they start to believe that they are going crazy, obsessed, or just not seeing reality correctly.

The classic example of ‘gaslighting is to change or manipulate things in a person’s normal or familiar environment without their knowledge. The ‘gas-lighter’ then denies the targets reality by manipulating them into believing they must be imagining things, forgetful, losing it, etc. when the target tries to challenge these perceptions that the Narcissist forces on them. For example, the perpetrator will intentionally hide your car keys, phone, or any number of things to make you think you are becoming very forgetful or even ‘losing it.’

Another form of ‘gaslighting’ is to deny the existence of the TRUTH through deception or outright lies and then blaming or shaming the person into believing they have lost the use of their normal reasoning as if they are imagining things. Another form is when the perpetrator denies that they said something in the past or forgets solid plans you made by saying they never suggested this plan or event. Another example of this form of ‘gaslighting’ occurs when a husband/wife, romantic interest, etc., has cheated. The Narcissistic husband/wife or romantic interest will vehemently deny the affair and insist they are not lying, and the target is just imagining things, or jealous and making things up. THEN they will turn the argument around and insist that they are hurt over the accusations and insist that you are obsessed and just starting another argument. They (the Narcissist) are sick of it and you better change or else! You end up apologizing and basically having to accept that you have wronged them, even though your perceptions WERE real and true in every situation. Unfortunately, you have been completely duped and blamed for being real with your concerns. Nothing is resolved and you are still unsure of the truth, so you are only confused and move on with yet another layer of this crazy making being unresolved. Lastly the perpetrator will revert to another tactic and will insist that other people like friends, family, coworkers, etc., reinforce this too by saying that they are worried about you as well and thinking you have issues. The Narcissist will even go as far as telling friends and family that the target DOES have issues working both sides of this HUGE manipulation.

It is important to note that most psychological and emotional abuse is not always direct and verbal as the examples above. It can be implied with sarcasm, irony, or mumblings and can be communicated with body language, rolling eyes, sighs, grimaces, tone of voice, disgusted looks, cold shoulders, slamming doors, banging things, stonewalling, silencing, cold shoulders, punishing, etc. There is a myriad of ways to be psychologically and emotionally abusive and the Narcissist employs all of them to make you believe that all of the problems are directly related to YOU!

Narcissists frequently use ‘gaslighting’ tactics. Simply put Narcissists are cruel, manipulative, conniving, and convincing liars who consistently deny their wrongdoing and basically project it onto and into you so that they can fulfill their agenda of extorting what they can from you. Are they aware of this? Well, it really seems so when they lie to cover up their indiscretions and manipulate to make us think otherwise! They MUST know they have done something wrong to deny the truth. They are cognizant or thinking throughout this entire process to achieve the desired responses they want! Couple this with the fake personal charm or better yet seduction to lure you in that characterizes Narcissists. Any way you look at their actions they are duping you into believing that your perception of love with them is real, THEN they also dupe you into believing you are a horrible person, THEN duping you into believing you may have serious issues around your own mental health, and lastly duping everyone around you into believing these horrendous lies to destroy you so they can move on to yet another unsuspecting target/victim to start up the whole process AGAIN and escaping any exposure of what they are and what they have done! EVERYTHING with them is a lie to support their needs and HIDE their agenda and they constantly repeat this process with every person that they are in a relationship with. They even dupe friends into their lives to use as supporters or minions to support their facade of fake goodness.

A Narcissist means to get into your life and head, get the supply they need so desperately, and disable you at so many levels concerning your mental well-being! This corresponds with cognitive dissonance where you believe the reality that a Narcissist presents through their charm and ‘love bombing’ or the huge and FAKE façade of morality and goodness they create, but intuition and facts rear up with a direct opposite reality or the truth of what they really are. It continually keeps you in a vicious circle of belief and then doubt and constantly back and forth between these two conflicting and confusing realities. This is serious business in understanding the truth around your abuse and just how thoroughly manipulated you were throughout the entire period of time you spent with this person. From the first day they met you this horrible attack on your emotional and psychological well-being started. If this is not understood through educating yourself and left unresolved, you will accept the negative messages, blame, shame or the whole nine yards and remain traumatized for many years and unable to move forward in a healthy manner.

This is NOT something that the target/victim has conscious control over because it is purely born from the lies, manipulation, isolation, and CONTROL. Intuition does come into play but because of the highly manipulative aspect of ‘gaslighting’ it seriously confounds, distorts, and disables a person’s reality. The charm or love bombing has created a strong emotional bond of love, and this is what creates that familiar, NORMAL, and real relationship that you believe in – or what we have always understood a relationship should be. We probably were not familiar with Narcissists or the manner that they abuse good and loving people with fake empathy and love. Subsequently when the conflict that is created by the Narcissist’s opposite virtue of pure deception enters the relationship, it works in direct opposition to what the target/victim has bonded with or the strong emotions of love and the normal human belief system. The target/victim reaches out to regain that position of love. That love is what keeps you attached at the hip with this creature because of those strong emotions that locked you into this relationship. Remember that real love has many other components that have been born out of our life lessons or the human condition that we were all raised to believe in. Those values are strong within us and along with them came messages to work at a cohesive relationship when you feel this loving bond with another person!

Within these internal messages we grew up with is respect for the person we love, give, and take, integrity, being unconditional, understanding, forgiving, etc., or again what we were raised to believe in as far as committing to a person that we love – BUT that love the Narcissist initiated was just as much a part of the ‘gaslighting’ as were all of the negative and damaging things! A Narcissist knows this and snuggles right up to those values we were raised with to get into our heads, BUT the Narcissist never abides by the same beliefs or rules that we do, AND they do not love or care about people as anything more than an object to pursue and use. What a complete and hideous form of emotional and psychological abuse this is to betray a person through one of the most beautiful emotions in life – LOVE! This seems to be more of a well-planned out agenda from a creature that knows exactly what they are doing. Know this very truth completely so that you can purge all the negative effects of this huge betrayal from your heart and mind to stop blaming yourself and know the truth that it is not YOU with the mental issues but the Narcissist that abused you so you can start out on your journey to healing and recovery. No/minimal contact always. Greg

Narcissistic finger pointing – it is always someone else’s fault – always! Understanding the Narcissist’s agenda of devaluation, projecting THEIR faults onto us, and then blaming us all at the same time. Narcissistic magic to make themselves the ‘virtuous one’ by turning everything around onto us and faulting us for what THEY do!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

When a Narcissist verbally attacks, devalues, or projects slander onto their targets/victims, they have two objectives. One is projection of course (accusing us of what they do), BUT the other is to “dirty a bright spot in your character” with whatever lies or slander they are projecting at you. It is as though any shiny part of your image diminishes the glow of their façade and that angers that envious and destructive inner child of theirs. You can never be anything but inferior to them. This is of course the mentality of the Narcissistic terrorist, who must malign and tear other people’s integrity down and ultimately harm OR destroy them with what only amounts to a chaotic counterattack to protect their distorted and damaged existence.

Projection and smearing at the same time are a work of art for the Narcissist, and it is uncanny how Narcissists manage to accomplish it. It’s all in the way their words are carefully placed, because not only do they ditch one of their faults, but they also muddy up one of your virtues in the process until they eradicate all your goodness. They are so glib and amazingly adept at “killing two birds with that one stone.”

Think about situations where they may have been caught in one of their many lies – and instead of accepting accountability they completely divert and accuse you of the same thing and then they start dissembling you bit by bit! It is all about getting that reaction as well – because that takes the situation into another direction and away from them. SO again, this is done to get us to react – In turn we start our own projecting back to our Narcissist – but NOT in any manner like what they project onto us – we project in an effort to use our empathy and critical thinking to TRY to make things right or fix them. But remember the Narcissist is training us like a dog to make us do tricks. So, we learn that by remaining silent, avoiding making them accountable, showing more affection, being so good to them, or loving/caring them before ourselves, we get our just reward. Basically, we project a ‘happy face’ when inside we are conflicted, protecting ourselves, confused, manipulated, betrayed, and demeaned. It is absolutely dehumanizing and subjugation pure and simple. Therefore, they malign all people – I have a new term for this and it is ‘hate bombing!’ Just like the ‘love bombing’ it has its purpose to keep us controlled BUT in a negative and fearful way.

Their projection works amazingly well because it is just so much crazy thrown at us that we are never the wiser or seeing it as projection because it is shocking and then once again it adds another level of the abuse and damages our chances of fixing things ONCE AGAIN – bit by bit they are erasing us. We react by wanting to set it all straight, so it just put us back into that place where we were explaining ourselves again and bending over backwards to fix another deluded accusation – another day another loss of who we are?

Again, remember none of what they said about you was real, BUT It was real for the Narcissist because THEY were doing whatever they accused us of — SO to cleanse themselves of the horrendous wrongdoing they have done, they had to project this onto us and see us squirm and basically punish us for their acts of infidelity. They essentially put themselves up on their grand pulpit and exclaimed that they were OUR sins as well as proclaiming their high morality as in they would NEVER commit such an act when they just did. This is how they dump the guilt and patch up their virtuous façade. It is ALL about the reaction, deflection, attacking our virtues, turning the blame onto us.

It is all very confusing when you are going through it. But understand and remember this, the Narcissist is not attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments.’ Consequently, when the Narcissist is conducting a character assassination against you or someone else, the gun the Narcissists shoots never hits one of that person’s real flaws, it is shot at you (or whomever) to just wound you enough to disable you. Believe me they will keep shooting and wounding you in the hopes of completely crippling you as time goes by because they must do this to remain in control and protect their false life and lies.

OK, so the point here was to understand some of the mechanics that will hopefully help you release from the blame and shame that the Narcissist dumped into your head. You do not deserve to carry a debt for the time you spent with this person. You ARE a normal and loving human being that is equipped with empathy, and you proved that all along. Do you ever remember feeling like this before you got involved with this Narcissist? NO, unless you were with another Narcissist. You did not magically go from a good person to an insensitive, non-caring person that could do nothing right in this crazy and debilitating relationship. You are not crazy or insane either. You were abused by a very defective person that ultimately managed you down more and more until eventually you lost sight of the real you. You will become that real person you once were because unlike the Narcissist WE ARE ABLE TO CHANGE. You were disabled by the extreme tactics used on you. With introspection, time, support, and real love, you can and will turn around. It is time for you to BELIEVE in yourself completely and discard everything and anything about what this Narcissist made you believe about yourself. They were a nightmare in your life, and now that you are awake and free from them it is time to put the real perspective or truth back into your reality that you are a normal and amazing person that has the tools to become whole again. You really must use them to succeed, so PLEASE no/minimal contact to start you out on that road to recovery! Greg

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