We MUST process the truth that this was abuse! We believed it was love when it wasn’t and we are in a place that is called abuse and the journey to recovery must start NOW that we understand JUST HOW DISORDERED this person was to our entire life. Unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out because you will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU – it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
There is a complexity that is involved here and that has to do with what has happened to YOUR psyche through this abuse – and what kept you attached to the relationship because of the emotions that evolved or better yet you were manipulated into believing were real. Without understanding this and educating yourself you continue to fight YOUR emotions/feelings until the truth is apparent. The more you get to know what they’re doing (their real agenda), what they are really like, see it for yourself with your own eyes, the more you observe and journal in your mind, the greater your desire becomes to not inhabit the Narcissist’s planet any longer nor be pulled into the gravity from the Narcissist. A better way to describe it is being seduced into this abuse by the extreme manipulation the Narcissist uses to trap you into their agenda.
FIRST and FOREMOST, most of us fell in love with a Narcissist – but it was FAKE, not real, a con job and a means for them to use us as Narcissistic supply. Huge and I mean ABSOLUTELY a huge betrayal and the sign of a highly-disordered individual. They thrive on admiration so they select an audience or a particular person that fulfills their need – and that is key here – we were objectified to fulfill THEIR NEEDS. Like a great actor does, a Narcissist draws from the audience/person to create a reality that is believable and we, as the audience, become engaged with the complete story – emotions, beliefs, feelings and all – we empathize with the character in that fake script. But this scenario is different because we PERSONALLY interact with this Narcissist and we didn’t know it is a huge con job and DANGEROUS at the time because our hearts are ruling our heads. We also didn’t know that the actor is not a fully functioning human being as well as lacks ANY empathy, nor do we know they are abusive and will destroy our lives and run off with whatever they can take from us. Read this very paragraph to anybody and they will probably shake their head in disbelief and think you are crazy. BUT IT IS THE TRUTH – so imagine if you will that it is just as crazy for us (target/victim) to relate to and try to put in a realistic perspective to create our OWN closure and recover from a predator that attacked our lives BUT we believed it was LOVE.
If we honestly evaluate what has happened during the aftermath, we can identify times where we were in full-fledged denial of the obvious facts. Our partners had changed and we chose to believe that their viciousness and cruel behavior was caused by something WE had done wrong – a big NO to that – and our denial was in response to the barrage of manipulation that a shrewd Narcissist used to fulfill their agenda. It was the pull of the positive AND negative conditioning that kept us frozen in confusion and denial. That Narcissist was studying and reading us and our emotions like a book and using them against us to CONTROL us. It is also not a sign of weakness or stupidity on our part, instead it was a slow and insidious process of extreme manipulation, betrayal and brain-washing that stole our self-esteem and changed us. It is not hard to understand how it could happen because a Narcissist employs a manipulation that warps human emotion – something that we all cherish and try to emulate into our lives – and that is love. Love is many things that includes happiness, trust, personal bonding, strong emotions, empathy, attraction, growth, etc. – a very normal, unconditional and REWARDING emotion that can be real with a real person – again the Narcissist was nothing even near real. They use this “fake love” to grab our trust, take what they wanted, then destroy it all right in our faces and manipulate us back in to take more and more until there is nothing left of us!
So, we fell (were conned) IN LOVE – but an unnatural, desperate, and abusive love is nothing even near a normal love and it comes with a great price – the truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem, belief system, and worth. We constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND ourselves and in doing so, our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools. Their manipulation, betrayal, control, lies and acting out “trained” us to provide them with supply OR groomed us to become one of their objects and then they stepped up the game to get the most if not ALL they could from us until they were caught and identified as the monster they are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse so they could run off. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth. We didn’t give them the power to abuse us, we mistakenly opened our hearts and minds with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise – AND THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO!
So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship) who believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, love, individuality, etc., AND a real relationship – we only tried to follow the natural flow or path of a relationship. THAT is what is difficult to reconcile and that is also called ‘cognitive dissonance’ or accepting a new reality that our beliefs about something (like this manufactured love) is so directly in opposition to the real truth that we are NOW presented with – in other words it takes a GREAT deal of reconciliation to get to the closure that we were abused. We didn’t know that we had inadvertently set the stage for Narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them – and that is a BIG NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM and their MANY needs. A thief steals from you when you least expect it and they NEVER leave you a personal gift in return for what they stole – not a give and take situation – ALL TAKE like a Narcissist! Like a spoiled child, a Narcissist will act out in rage against the individual who is keeping them from getting what they want – constant supply, admiration, adulation and total control over their target. The hardest aspect to acknowledging this is accepting that we were JUST the next object for this Narcissist to use and this was SITUATIONAL abuse.
During what I call my “processing phase” I thought about all the arguments that seemed to come from nowhere and escalated to an “out of control” status for absolutely no reason – that is what describes the conditioning or grooming process. There were never any questions asked BUT there were always accusations from my Narcissist CONCERNING me. I was everything evil, everything mentally ill, I was perverse, having affairs, lying, cheating, stealing and anything else that the Narcissist could think up. It was the creative and DESTRUCTIVE mind of a highly disordered person acting out of their deep seeded pathology. These were diversions and projections of what the Narcissist was actually doing and they were shoved down my throat in an effort for this Narcissist to release from the shame and blame they should HAVE OWNED themselves for their hideous acts, lies and betrayal. Next it was to attempt to slowly but surely make me feel unworthy like I was all of these things wrong and bad so that I would keep changing to meet this Narcissists needs and be vulnerable. This defines the relationship with a Narcissist – totally and hysterically dysfunctional with an edge that serves the Narcissist’s agenda always. I reflected on some of the Narcissists arguments or statements that were uncharacteristically insecure and childlike to me at the time. It was such a surprise coming from an adult but I justified it and wrote it off as this Narcissist’s “immaturity.” I wanted this Narcissist to be the person I believed the Narcissist to be when my heart assigned itself to loving this Narcissist and I was resolved about my beliefs. If you love them, you will accept them for WHO they are and work with them, time will work to heal all of this and the bigger picture was what was important. Too bad I didn’t realize the PSYCHOPATHY behind all of this. REMEMBER there was a great deal of “love bombing” so the Narcissist could gain our trust to get us to believe they were GOOD at first. I wasn’t overlooking the obvious because I wasn’t seeing the WHOLE picture or the lies, cheating, betrayal, brain-washing and everything else that is kept so hidden from all of us – this is why it is classified as abuse or better yet psychological terrorism/abuse.
That is, perhaps, the most difficult and devastating outcome of a Narcissistic relationship, mustering up the strength as well as adopting the position to accept that your partner was just pathologically abusive and cruel AND now you must abandon them and the relationship COMPLETELY. It is a difficult and unnatural process to have to dump your past completely, as well as your emotions, dreams, plans, the family structure (they abandon/abuse their own biological children as well), all of the years you spent together and the memories that are also fake. IT IS AN ABHORATION of human life as well as human dignity to use/harm/destroy another individual in the manner a malignant Narcissist does. After you get there you are then left with the arduous task of finding and repurposing yourself again.
So here we are with the truth. We have to stand up again and brush ourselves off and start walking forward again and realize our own culpability in the exchange with this malignant Narcissist. We believed it was love when it wasn’t and we are in a place that is called abuse and the journey to recovery must start and NOW that we understand JUST HOW DISORDERED this partner was to our entire life. Now we MUST go “no contact” because we have educated ourselves with the truth and we have to stop anymore attempts on their part to abuse us anymore.
Apart from all of that, I live and I love again. It is an amazing life because now, I accept that there are people in this world who represent darkness and evil. It is not my place to fix them, make them better or to even tolerate them. Life is good without narcissists/psychopaths. I know myself better, I am myself, I love and enjoy and find the world a wonderful place to live in. I have good and great relationships. I know that I finally faced the truth and worked through it. I was not a deer frozen in the headlights and stayed in that position dazed forever. I was an adult with many resources and I learned to use them. I accepted that abnormal people had entered into my life. I accepted that they left damage in their wake and I needed to get them out of my life. Unless you do that, unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out. You will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU – it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life. Educate yourself and go “no contact” AND educate others once you understand the reality of this abuse and the damage it does to many undeserving and beautiful people. No/minimal contact! Greg
A Narcissist is always many steps ahead of the game with their manipulation, triangulation, lies and betraying people – unfortunately nobody knows that they are playing this game with a Narcissist so they are out there EVERYWHERE and perpetually deceiving many people in many ways!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Most everyone only sees the Narcissist as what he/she APPEARS to be on the outside or the mask they wear and the façade they create for us. Few really know what they truly are, and those few that DO get to know them and dare to ever oppose them WILL be demeaned, debased and destroyed – or better yet annihilated – BUT do they really know what hit them as in being attacked/abused by a Narcissist?
It is not within our best interest to challenge them because the mask that Narcissist wears has been perfected and will be praised by many of their supporters or followers as well as the fact that Narcissists are dirty fighters when you oppose them. REMEMBER these many adorers are also another source of supply to the Narcissist, or the minions that praise them in life and hold the Narcissist’s mask in place for them. The Narcissist works every aspect of life ESPECIALLY with their weak minions that sing the Narcissists praises and protect their fake integrity. A Narcissist KNOWS who to surround themselves with! What becomes of us if we threaten the Narcissist’s balance is that we are cast out as some sort of trouble maker, isolated, stigmatized, or even described as mentally insane. How dare us for saying that the Narcissist is anything but the perfection they so adeptly personify! A Narcissist is definitely on top of their GAME!
To coin a familiar phrase and to drive the point home, the most dangerous predators among us are ingeniously masked, veiled or disguised. Narcissists carefully surround themselves with people entirely UNLIKE themselves or their minions and flying monkeys. Basically, the people a Narcissists uses as a shield to embellish their ‘voided’ personality OR to avoid exposure. Usually these people the Narcissist ‘uses’are deeply caring, intelligent, and empathic human beings who wish to please others, who are slow to judge, who are excessively tolerant and who have an eye for digging up the good to be found in others. Narcissists know how to CHARM but exploit it to their own advantage and surround themselves with ‘special support’ or minions that protect them. It is their association with these type of people that maximizes the Narcissists chances of perpetuating or keeping their “FAUX” facade and themselves from exposure. Remember a Narcissist is really in conflict with themselves and so they will keep up this façade as if it is a matter of life and death because without it they would not be functional in OUR world.
Unfortunately, pathological Narcissists are so clever that certain people will simply never be able to penetrate their mask or disguise, no matter what or how apparent the truth is! One reason Narcissists are so successful is that they have come to believe their own lies and that is why they are so good at creating that charming and amazing façade. The Narcissist is the ‘creator’ of their world with their own vision of themselves in this world, they are the ‘ruler’ or dictator of this world and they make up all of the rules, regulations and laws. What could be more real to a Narcissist than their own delusions all packaged up neatly in a little world of their own that they alone rule? Without any rules, feelings, character, personality, heart, soul, or a mind that can rationalize empathy then it is ‘all go’ in their world!
The Narcissist’s world lacks all reality and principle which yields an inconsistency of morals so anything and everything goes in their world – NO MATTER WHAT THE COST IS TO ANYBODY. Remember the flip side of this as well – Narcissists are NOT consistent and they despise anyone that is consistent with their ethics, goodness, life, etc., because it exposes the Narcissist’s inconsistency and a constant reminder of the Narcissist’s own self-deception. Like garlic to a vampire – they will hiss at it, try to destroy it, and run off into the darkness if confronted.
I can’t emphasize enough just how much people underestimate the truth/reality of the destructive and pathological Narcissist who operates behind that facade of FAUX respectability, morality, empathy, and flawed truth. They are abusive to people, families, organizations, and life in general. The pathological Narcissist is a long-term planner or plotter, like one of those brilliant chess players who can see the whole board and then plans ten or more moves ahead to WIN. It is almost impossible for anyone to uncover the complex and multi-layered schemes of a Narcissist unless you are entirely aware of the pathological depths of the level of malicious intelligence that they use to manipulate people and hide their disordered self – THEY ARE ALWAYS MANY STEPS AHEAD OF THE GAME. So, to know one requires knowledge we don’t have, OR could never understand if we did possess it and even if we did unlock all of the truth we couldn’t fix them or even relate – so basically we are always left wide open to being perpetually manipulated and deceived. That is just how good they are at this game to get their supply AND get away with their abuse. We could never engage in a war with them either because they fight so dirty with lies and exaggerations that can completely destroy their victim’s integrity and life. It is like coming upon a poisonous snake, you know that once they start coiling back to strike at you that if you don’t disengage they WILL bite and their venom can and will kill you so you back away slowly so as to not aggravate them and then get as far away as possible.
We are ALL targets of this abuse because it is never singular in nature because it destroys whole families, organizations, businesses, etc., and they have the right camouflage to hide among us and to protect themselves from being exposed. They are unstable, extremely envious, and the chaos they inflict annihilates anybody that crosses their path. When we accept that and close the book to the emotions or whatever binds us to them, then we can accept the ugly truth and start to move on! You cannot engage in their battles because even if you try the lateral damage they will cause with their relentless attacks on your integrity and life will take up so much of your time and energy in an attempt to fix what they have harmed or destroyed. So a little wisdom – you just need to walk away and write off the damage they have caused to save your sanity and more losses. They only step up their abuse when we have moved on or they have discarded us – so it is best to just discard everything about them and move onto healing and recovery because there is nothing more important than getting away and getting to that healthy place that YOU once resided again.
Lastly the awareness that others may have is a constant source of anxiety for the Narcissist and thus a huge need to constantly control their immediate world. The Narcissist is VERY aware of the limitations surrounding their facade of lies. When people talk with one another, they begin to acquire a much larger perspective of things OR the real truth and they begin to see a bigger picture of the Narcissist. The pathological Narcissist CAN’T afford to have people talking amongst themselves and sharing stories. So he/she will go to great lengths and carefully produce very devious and underhanded schemes to keep people divided. The Narcissist will create division among friends or colleagues by planting lies about one person to another, and then more lies about another and so on and so forth. This can be a successful strategy because no one expects a highly intelligent adult to be carrying on like a scheming child or an emotionally disturbed adolescent. And since most of us want to trust as well as avoid confrontation, it is much easier to believe that charming liar and move on. This is the Narcissist’s damage control to protect their abusive agenda.
Again, WE MUST understand that this abuse is intentional and as much as the person (abuser) was such a personal part of us, it was purely the act of an emotionally and psychologically UNBALANCED and deviant human being. It seems insurmountable to try to erase what was reality to us as nothing more than a Narcissist sourcing us out to provide themselves with what they only needed to survive. Why do they go through such lengths to do this and why also destroy good people? Well I would say because it works for them, it gives them power to control us and maintain their constant supply from us because they need us AND most importantly they get away with it as most of us have experienced! What other reason would motivate a person to act in this manner toward a person that is unconditional and loving? Yes, it is how they are wired, no empathy, no emotions, and they CAN’T love. But why do they destroy and damage people when it is bad enough to extort people of their valuable lives and always have a knife to their back ready to destroy them at any given moment? WELL because they have to protect themselves from exposure – pure and simple. They are thieves, thugs and psycho bullies as well as destructive and dangerous so never stay a moment longer with them once you know the truth. Their truth is hidden behind so many lies, so if they can lie so easily to themselves to protect their damaged self they will most assuredly lie to us and about us to keep their dirty secrets! YOU deserve so much more like your freedom and happiness! NO/MINIMAL CONTACT! Greg
Nar•cis•sist [nahr-suh-sist] – noun – con artist, scammer, liar, extortionist, manipulator, thief, user, “Charms to Harm,” abuser. PREDATOR after PREY!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
The Narcissist looks for targets that he/she can harvest supply from as well as to shield or camouflage their disordered and perverted lifestyle. Usually their targets are just your everyday good people who are responsible, productive, intelligent, centered, kind, generous, trusting, empathetic and loving, or all of the characteristics that the Narcissist does not possess. Narcissists definitely do not have these positive characteristics or any for that matter so they have to embellish their void with a façade and these ‘stolen’ qualities to fit in. They lack any and all empathy, do not know love, and have no compassion so an out-of-control lifestyle and chaos rules them. All of this disconnection from life allows the Narcissist to conduct his/her life in an all-consuming pattern of taking what they want from people through controlling behavior to achieve this coupled with abuse, pathological lies, and destructive manipulation. Among every other negative quality Narcissists possess they are also con artists, extortionist and thieves as well – they just don’t psychologically destroy a victim – they annihilate the victim’s life!
The Narcissist is a human that is not fully functioning – and quickly becomes very adept at “fitting in” with camouflage or “a mask” as it is described clinically. Initially, the Narcissist will size up AND take in as much if not of all of the new target’s behavior and mimic it or mirror it back to them to SEEM like they have so much in common with the victim. The Narcissist is VERY ADEPT AT THIS and will carefully study the target’s interactions with others, as well as their body language, tone of voice, and general demeanor. As an expert predator/hunter, the Narcissist will methodically craft a plan of attack and begin to track and assess their target’s every thought. The Narcissist will slowly approach the target with complimentary words and statements and then the Narcissist will model themselves and their behaviors to what he/she thinks will please and SNARE their new target into their web of deceit and destruction. The Narcissist will assume the behavior of the target’s “perfect partner”. The Narcissist knows what the target desires in a partner or mate and morph’s right into that role – the MOST PERFECT friend, lover or whatever the relationship may be. This is the most important aspect in the Narcissist’s arsenal of tools – GAINING TRUST of their target soon to be victim – this is the CHARM or love bombing. Without it the cycle of abuse and extortion will just not happen and the Narcissist is unable to secure their LIFE SUSTAINING supply so they HEAVILY invest in this tactic. Remember without it they CAN NOT get to their precious source of supply NOR can they cannot survive without it – so this basically describes the truth of the situation or that they are PREDATORS AFTER PREY. Ask yourself about how deeply you fell into their ‘charming’ introduction or the idealization phase where they pulled you right into their agenda and then their abuse.
Once the Narcissist has caught the attention of their new target, they will move in for the kill. The Narcissist will begin by coming on very strong, telling the target that they are special and of course the Narcissist will say they were meant for each other because they are a match made in heaven or SOUL MATES. The Narcissist will constantly flatter their target and be very attentive, calling or texting them many times a day, just to say “they (the Narcissist)” were thinking of them. The Narcissist will quickly assume a strong role and become an important person in the target’s life and he/she will find that they are swept off their feet by this “wonderful, perfect partner (the Narcissist)”. Once the Narcissist has become totally entwined in the target’s life and vice versa, the role will change for them from target to victim. The Narcissist will then start to isolate the victim so that they become solely dependent on the Narcissist as their trusted confidant in life.
Every person I talked to after I moved on from my abuse, said the same exact words to me concerning my Narcissist STRONGLY PURSUING them – AND not the “replacement” supply – I am talking about the many affairs, that occurred during the time I spent with this Narcissist. It is one huge con job – there is no relationship, there never was and there never will be one. In my situation, the MANY supply sources on the side said my Narcissist was relentless when it came to pursuing them on “dating sites” – but then again what does it say for those that gave into the pursuit. Most can relate to this when it comes to a Narcissist, and it is anything and everything that will basically say “yes” to them. When I realized the truth as compared to how I was “blind sighted” by the extreme manipulation and pathological lies – I came to the realization that this Narcissist was known for their perverted lifestyle, but was SO ADEPT at disguising the truth behind fake morals, pretending to be Christian and even condemning others for THEIR immoral ways. This Narcissist previously hid behind a spouse and biological children prior to me but ALSO lived a very active, deviant, and perverse sexual lifestyle on the side that eventually destroyed that family and marriage. These words should resonate and identify the truth as far as what Narcissists are and what they want and what they are capable of doing to get what they want, and that they are dangerous and destructive to society! Marriage or any relationship for that matter is not sacred to a Narcissist – it is only a convenience for the Narcissist to have a place to rest their head at night as well as having a steady source of supply to keep them occupied in between their many other sources, as well as a cover to hide what they really are. When I found out the truth I was in total denial – but soon enough I accepted the reality of how good my Narcissist was at lying and manipulating me into believing that horrendous façade. Hindsight is always 20/20 as they say and how unfortunate for us that it had to be so – the truth would have saved us from so much devastation.
The Narcissist’s reign of terror and destruction begins with small negative comments about the victim. The Narcissist will begin to mentally disassemble the victim’s self-esteem and beliefs about themselves and the relationship to basically make them feel solely dependent on them to basically do the ‘thinking.’ What was once considered the perfect relationship now becomes a relationship that is unnerving, controlling, debasing, dehumanizing, gut wrenching, unstable and full of blame and shame. The victim is constantly kept emotionally and psychologically off balance by the insidious behaviors of their Narcissistic partner and ALWAYS having to explain themselves and feeling like they have to do more and more to please the Narcissist. The Narcissist will make plans with the victim and cancel at the last minute. The Narcissist will talk only of themselves and THEIR needs and desires. If the victim dares to express a personal need, the Narcissist will instantaneously strike, like a venomous snake to remind the victim that the Narcissist needs are more important. The Narcissist will talk of making plans with the victim for their future and then the next day speaks of the future only in terms of the Narcissist’s future. The Narcissist will conveniently forget to pay back money he/she has borrowed from the victim as well as conveniently undermining many daily activities to make the victim seem and even feel unstable and unsure. The Narcissist is disassembling the victim’s self-esteem, spirit, psyche and ENTIRE life little by little to gain complete control and drain the target/victim completely of every resource they can. This is considered brain-washing and even terrorizing a victim into submission through these destructive CONTROL tactics. Remember this Narcissist is also pursuing supply on the side that the target/victim will soon come to realize so the betrayal is a HUGE issue as well. A Narcissist is always look for somebody to replace us or just extra supply – this is what they do that we have no knowledge of.
Is this a disorder as well as a NON-functioning human being? Well we have to say yes because NO NORMAL person would act out in this manner against another human being, but let’s not forget that there is a great deal of thought put into this abuse. It is cognitive, meaning that the Narcissist puts rational thought evoking processes into effect to get the desired results they want from their targets/victims. SO can we safely say it is premeditated? That word is largely used in the legal profession to describe somebody that has carefully thought out a crime with INTENTION! If a criminal is charged with this they go to jail without passing go! It’s a ‘Monopoly’ saying when you draw the card that says, “Go Directly to Jail and do not pass Go or collect any money” – a little bit of my dry humor.
The victim becomes less and less of what they use to be prior to meeting the Narcissist. It becomes a vicious cycle of denigration, debasing, dehumanization and destruction by the Narcissist until there is nothing of substance left of the victim. The dismantling of the victim total identity was skillfully orchestrated by the Narcissist, and then as if to add INSULT TO INJURY the Narcissist will unmercifully criticize and blame the victim for “not being the person” the Narcissist fell in love with. All of the “blame and shame” will ceremoniously be dumped on the victim to kick them down even further into the destruction a Narcissist inflicts on everyone. The Narcissist will even “project” their betrayal and perverse lifestyle onto the victim and accuse them of what they (the Narcissist) is actually doing. The Narcissist will not yield to anything once they have the reigns of terror going and will even physically make fun of their victim to inflict every possible form of damage they can. This disables the victim completely so they can’t possibly fight back and expose the Narcissist as the REAL abuser they are. The Narcissist has been back-stabbing and “smearing” the victim to family, friends, co-workers and any other people that will listen to further damage the integrity of the victim. The Narcissist will then discard the victim quickly and without regard. The cycle of abuse and destruction has been completed. The victim has been disabled by the Narcissist and left by the roadside and too vulnerable to fight back. This describes and is NARCISSISTIC ABUSE or better yet emotional and psychological rape of their victim. This is not simply “emotional abuse”, or a bad relationship between two people – this is a calculated attack of a predator after prey. This is a disordered human being that willfully harms good people – EVEN their own biological children will become victims of their damaging cycle of abuse. Predator after prey!
As always, I end with go “NO CONTACT” – unequivocally it is the only way to gain your freedom from this calculating, disordered, manipulating, cunning, lying, extortionist and abuser that MEANS to inflict damage on their prey as well as take everything they can! This IS NOT bashing a Narcissist, it is defining the reality of the situation as it concerns THEIR actions and how they abuse people – just some hard and true facts that we NEED to actualize. You can and will recover from this abuse – but YOU MUST understand that the Narcissist is as calculated in their attacks on people as is a shark with its prey. Once you establish the facts/truth about your abuser you must put it all into perspective to release from the “blame and shame” as well as the worthlessness that you feel and the Narcissist made you internalize or better yet forced down your throat. Find that spirit, it is still there with you as well as your self-esteem, goodness, empathy and LOVE — I promise you that this had NOTHING to do with who or what you are, it has to do with an extremely disordered person that manipulated you into ALL OF THIS because they are an abhorrent and disordered human being. You are and always have been the beautiful and amazing person you were – THAT IS WHY YOU ARE STILL HERE TODAY and you still have tomorrow – and don’t give that up. You WILL be the person you once were! Greg
This is all about the methodical and MECHANICAL cycle of this abuse – the love bombing, devaluation, discard and then the Narcissist with new supply within a very short period of time. This is just a new person for this Narcissist to cycle into abuse and more than likely they have been searching for, procuring, and building up a harem of new supply throughout your entire relationship with them.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
So many times I have received emails and questions that concern the Narcissist moving on so quickly after the relationship has ended, as well as why the target/victim feels so distraught as if the Narcissist is actually in a loving relationship and HAPPY with the new supply. These same thoughts seem to be a reoccurring theme and for a long time and they are very disabling to the target/victim and keep dragging them BACK into the abuse or what I call ambient abuse.
Of course my answer is a resounding NO about them being happy or better off, and I am going to try to respond with tangible words to explain why so many targets/victims feel that their abusive Narcissist has SOMEHOW become this amazing and loving person.
First take yourself back to the first days you were with your Narcissist. Were you in love or feeling a love connection. Did you BELIEVE that what you had was really LOVE? Well the answer of course is yes. This all falls under the category of how an abusive Narcissist ‘love bombs’ their target/victim to lure them in by gaining their trust through mimicking this mechanical love. Well this new supply is in YOUR shoes now and responding to the same disordered and manipulative gestures from the Narcissist and it all APPEARS to be a viable relationship to them too! Do you also remember that you may have shared this amazing love story with friends or relatives, as well as posted pictures or comments on social media sites about your amazing adventures with your Narcissist, or announcing your relationship? Did you marry your Narcissist or move in together? Did you go through the channels that most people that are in love do to allow your immediate circle of friends to embrace your new life adventure? Probably the answer again is yes and you were only doing what normal or real people do that are in love. Nothing wrong with it. So probably the new supply is doing the same thing because he/she is in the same trap that you were in AND unfortunately you are seeing it or it comes back to you!
BUT the main factor here is that this is the same abusive Narcissist but with a new person. You CAN’T forget that you were with an emotionally abusive and controlling creature that would eventually demean, devalue and discard you AND this abusive creature is going to repeat this same process with the new SUPPLY just as they did with you. Unfortunately, the fact that this is a trap isn’t included when the ‘love bombing’ is going on because this is what abusers (Narcissists) do. They trap, ensnare, gain our trust, and con us or process us in a manner to manage us down to gain control and power over us psychologically and emotionally. The ‘doubt’ messages were there in our subconscious (intuition) just as they are with the new supply but like us they are more than likely bending and justifying the little quirks about this Narcissist especially during the ‘love bombing.’
Now ask yourself were you a mentally challenged person when you entered into this relationship? I would believe most would say no. Unfortunately, as time went on you were described as practically insane by the Narcissist, as well as a couple hundred other things to make you out to be worthless and that takes time to purge out of your mind. You were managed down slowly but surely to accept this role with your abuser without even knowing it and AGAIN the new supply will be managed down and disabled in the same way that you were! You were blamed, shamed, told you were everything bad. With that in mind you were put in a role that locked your mind up in these distortions (brainwashing, gas-lighting, manipulation, etc.) and trying to do more and more to alleviate all of these so-called problems you had to get the relationship back on track. The Narcissist was the driving force behind all of this to keep you trapped in confusion each and every day. FINALLY, when all was said and done the final messages were that YOU were the problem that caused this relationship to end and you have actualized that and accept some if not all of that blame or that brainwashing from this creature. Remember they had an arsenal of tools to do this because that is what they do and they will be utilizing these tools with this new supply too! Don’t ever forget that they are Narcissists and abusers and they haven’t changed overnight – BUT they have moved over to a new source of supply and are starting up the whole cycle of abuse again.
The love bombing or the feeling of being in love became a distant memory and a goal that you desperately worked on each and every day to try to fix so you could return to that amazing ‘love.’ This became all-encompassing and probably for a very long time. It actually became a part of you and is still there residing inside of you and now it is traumatizing because you lost the so-called battle and you have no closure or answers. Now you are basically disabled by all of the abuse with so many questions and looking from the outside in at the Narcissist and this so called new and amazing life of theirs. That Narcissist warned you that you better change OR ELSE. Well the ‘or else’ happened and who are you blaming? Yourself! You are in a position that you are very vulnerable and isolated because there is not much support for you out there. You search for PERSONAL answers wherever you can find them and sometimes that leads you to places you shouldn’t be like peaking at the Narcissists activity on the internet, etc. There are no answers because there was NEVER any truth in this relationship and anybody else that KNOWS this Narcissist is under the influence of other lies from the Narcissist – SO there is never anything but the Narcissist’s façade that is personally created for every person they meet so that it serves EVERY need the Narcissist has – that includes supporters that protect this abuser.
So today or whatever day you are sitting there and feeling such a debilitating and sick feeling in the pit of your stomach because of something you saw or heard that this Narcissist is off and having the time of their life with a new person is just all about the Narcissist warping (manipulating) your reality AGAIN AND the new supplies unfortunately. This is still all about the devaluation that you spent so much of your time trying to reconcile – you believed that so much of this was your fault and that lingers in your mind. You are still trying to fix this (or justify it) in some manner to ALLEVIATE the pain you feel, but now it is only at a distance and you are the only participant. That Narcissist is off and into a new target/victim, so you keep searching for those answers where there really aren’t any REAL answers and only images that lead you back to feeling like YOU were/are unworthy. We BELIEVE in them when in reality there is NOTHING that we can believe in!
OK so your Narcissist is sending all kinds of messages that they are in love, maybe they got married within a few weeks or months after they abandoned you. First who does that – you don’t meet someone within days or weeks of a breakup and commit to them. WELL a Narcissist does AND probably did this when they met you and had supply on the side the whole time as backup. I learned recently that my Narcissist LIED and was still married and still living with their spouse for a good year into our relationship. What I am trying to get at is that this is all about the same methodical and MECHANICAL cycle of this abuse – the love bombing, devaluation, discard and then the Narcissist with new supply within a very short period of time. This is just a new person for this Narcissist to cycle into abuse and more than likely they have been searching for, procuring, and building up a harem of new supply throughout your entire relationship with them. This is a Narcissist, this is how they manipulate, control, use, abuse and then discard people to get to other supply! THIS is why we must get away from these creatures.
SO that pretty picture about the two of them out there and being in love, etc., is that Narcissist SECURING new supply to LOCK into the debilitating abuse PURE and SIMPLE. Call it stage one or whatever but it is EXACTLY what you went through. You still feel attached at the hip to this Narcissist because you had REAL emotions as they concerned YOUR relationship and probably still love or care for them. Unfortunately, even though the Narcissist was akin to a monster the love you felt for them doesn’t just disappear when you finally realize that what you loved was an abusive Narcissist. Because you loved them DOESN’T make you weak or anything negative because we all fall in love but unfortunately what we fell into was a trap and con job that was expertly executed and NOW being done to the new target. Your emotions WILL still come into play when you are trying to actualize the truth of this whole mess and especially after seeing that they have moved on so quickly and you are still crawling your way out of the huge void they left for you and feeling traumatized and vulnerable. You HAVE to separate yourself from emotions with pure facts that they are abusers pure and simple. It isn’t easy when you are so vulnerable, but at least if you can say to yourself that they are abusers and what they have with the new supply is just as unreal as what you experienced, it will start to plant a seed in your mind that will grow with time (and more education) – AND A CLEARER PICTURE about the truth.
Narcissist don’t love they secure supply and trap that supply with what appears to be love BUT ISN’T anything near it. You are seeing your life with them being repeated in the EXACT same pattern. The only coefficient that is different here is the new supply that is NONE THE WISER. That new supply is the new you and will be in your shoes one day. It is just a matter of time until the new supply figures it all out and that could be months to years, but BE ASSURED it WILL happen as it did to you and anyone else that was connected to this Narcissist. All their relationships failed and guess whose fault it was? Well the Narcissist isn’t going to admit that they are disordered and not a fully functioning human so it is ALWAYS the other person that gets the blame so they can AVOID EXPOSURE to move onto new supply. It is like they are saying “look at me I am the normal one here that has moved on” – but it is really them pulling the wool over everybody’s eyes in their quest to blend into our world without being cast out for being an abuser.
Take yourself back and how you were duped into this relationship and you handed all of your trust over to this Narcissist. Did you somehow magically change and become so disordered that you deserved to be dehumanized and abused like you were? NO, NO, NO – this is what abuse is all about as it concerns this predator securing new supply. Again, it is just using control as a tool to isolate a target, gain power over them and keeping them dancing with the disordered Narcissist. It is objectification and subjugation of a human being!
If you ever broke up from a previous and normal relationship did you feel this disconnected and left without any sense of closure? Were you hated as a Narcissists hates their ex’s, or was your integrity destroyed? Only Narcissists do this with astonishing agility to destroy those that they know they have harmed! Just look for the Narcissist’s past and you won’t find it anywhere within reach of the new supply. The Narcissist separates their past from their present for a reason and that is to avoid exposure. You could talk until you are blue in the face to the new supply but you will probably get nowhere because they believe just as you did at one time that THIS IS THEIR SOUL MATE. But they do know something is not quite right even now and trust me on this one!
So, remember, every message you may hear or see is sent to make you feel jealous, hurt you and manage you down more AND to keep you vulnerable and silent. WHO does something like this but a highly disordered person. When I look back and piece these messages together I only see ‘crazy making’ and contradictory messages like the Narcissist had to convince many people once more that another failed relationship was NOT their fault. I saw this Narcissist back on their moralistic pulpit praying for everybody and their brother on the internet and PRETENDING to be such a strong and moral character but I was receiving emails about their perverted sex life in private. I had to hear about their new supply and how wonderful life was through text messages and emails, but I also saw this Narcissist on sex sites looking for ‘other’ playmates. If I was to write all of the things I was told or saw I would have to believe that my Narcissist has married this SAME supply 3 or four times already BUT they never were! Again, my point – just more lies and deception or exactly what a Narcissist does.
This is nothing new for a Narcissist to have so much craziness around them – this is their out-of-control lifestyle, but unfortunately they HAVE to have a 24/7 source of supply there to drag through their perverted world – and that was all of our roles as it is the new supplies role now. When relationships end both parties usually move on, but the Narcissist does not allow this because they still want to control and demean us and if you partake in any of their messages you will only stay frozen within those messages. But if you allow yourself time to heal and NEW clarity you will see through all of their deceit.
The emotions that we draw our conclusions from loving this Narcissist can damage us more and become a driving force especially as it concerns this abuse. There is no closure just tons of messages from a disordered creature that wants you to feel their wrath as well as abuse you just a little bit more to perhaps take you over the edge – I had to deal with this for almost a YEAR. Don’t let it because it will only lock you up in a vicious circle of obsessive thoughts that have no basis of reality because you are dealing with a Narcissist and you NOW know what they are and do. They want to continue to control you and enjoy it with all of their off-color messages and gestures of happiness. The many supporters they SEEM to have are surface friends that haven’t had to deal with their abuse personally as we have so they are clueless and lack the depth to see the real truth. Narcissist don’t maintain or harbor deep friendships, they only con and abuse. We can’t blame the new supply or dislike them, because we were in THEIR shoes once and look where it got us, BUT we also protected the monster and stayed with them until we couldn’t anymore.
When you feel the urges to drown yourself with emotions, just remember those emotions were real to you and you are an amazing person that can love but that person you loved was stealing your life through this love. They are disordered and will always be that way. You must separate your emotions from the reality of WHAT they are and build on that aspect through more education. There is NOTHING amazing about them and never will be, they will continue abusing people and tricking all of their little minions that they manipulate as well.
The cost of your relationship was a deep psychological punch to your mind and soul that left scars. Don’t ask yourself to justify anything about your Narcissist and new supply as being good or real. Don’t connect to ANYTHING that they are waving in your face at a distance because they are doing it for a reason to protect themselves and fool OTHER people into believing their incredulous lies and disordered lifestyle – they are actors that crave adulation, attention and drama. Try to stay away from any thoughts about them as it concerns you and the love you felt. Turn that back into yourself and take your power back. Love yourself because that is where you will see the results that will take you on a journey to recovery! No/minimal contact and no peaking to see what is going on in their world. It is a dark and disordered world that you should never look back at. Greg
rcBeing in close proximity, whether physically, emotionally or mentally to a narcissist will result in your living in a War Zone. Nothing you ever say will be received correctly, no amount of standing up for yourself or “fighting” for your rights and feelings will EVER result in your feeling satisfied, heard, respected or that the issue is resolved. These are the main reasons our sole advice is to leave a narcissist and go No-Contact when possible, as there is ZERO possibility to be satisfied or have your basic needs met while remaining close to a narcissist.
Let’s explore a few reasons for this:
Vulnerable Identity and Defense Mechanisms- Personality disorders (PD) are a class of mental disorders characterized by enduring maladaptive patterns of behavior, cognition, and inner experience, which make up the person’s Identity. These patterns develop early, are inflexible, and are associated with significant distress and disability. By employing defenses, this “self” is preserved, and its limitations denied. They are rigid and totalistic. They are often driven by feelings of shame and guilt.
Narcissists have a number of defenses in place to protect their maladapted identity which result in their fighting against reality; where YOU represent reality
Unconscious repression – ensures that what is unacceptable to the conscious mind, which would arouse anxiety if recalled, is prevented from entering into consciousness.
For example: If the narcissist has the view of themselves that they are kind to others, a “nice’ person and that people like them, when they are met with EVIDENCE to the contrary, they will battle to retain their view of themselves.
This evidence on the target’s part is an innocent expression. As honest people, most targets live trying to express our authentic feelings, because that is OUR pattern of behavior. Speaking for myself, as a target, whenever I tried to share how I felt as a result of the narcissist’s behavior or speaking towards me, if I didn’t tip toe around the truth, and phrase my feelings in a way that DIDN’T touch on the narcissist’s shame or image, then I was going to be met with resistance to receptivity.
The narcissist’s repression, shut down our ability to communicate. It made me stuff my own feelings of disappointment and angst – and it occurred pervasively throughout the entire relationship and resulted in my never feeling heard or respected and no “argument” was ever resolved to my satisfaction.
Conscious denial is categorically asserting that a statement or allegation is not true.
For example: If you catch the narcissist in a lie, even though your proof is irrefutable, they will DENY DENY DENY the lie until the cows come home. The inflexibility of the denial, causes targets to back off and question their own grasp of truth, because the lie is so heavily defended. You cannot have an intimate relationship with a liar, and narcissist’s are liars; thus you cannot have an intimate relationship with a narcissist.
It’s difficult for a target to have clarity when in close relation to a narcissist who is steeped in lying and denial. Combined with being isolated by our narcissistic abusers, it sets us up to be a prisoner of the narc’s skewed reality; if we stay, this defense of theirs will cause us great damage and harm in our ability to trust our own intuition and thinking.
Distortion (including exaggeration and minimization) and lies – Cognitive distortions are exaggerated or irrational thought patterns that are believed to perpetuate the effects of psychopathological states. Cognitive distortions are thoughts that cause individuals to perceive reality inaccurately.
For example: Narcissist’s possess many inaccurate perceptions of reality. Grandiosity is unrealistic, believing others to be your possession (lack of boundaries) is not accurate, needing constant admiration from others is very infantile and erroneous, inability to empathize is an example of distorted reality, pathological envy, insecurity, etc. The list goes on and on; it’s almost easier to list where the narcissist is NOT distorted: Nowhere.
If a target expresses any independent wish, desire, or request, it has to go up against the narcissist’s distortions. No wonder, NOTHING ever gets worked out – there’s just not an area in the narcissist’s psyche that can process things in a normal give and take fashion without running it through a distorted filter.
Psychological Projection (blaming somebody else) Narcissists defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others.
Projection is the narcissist’s most widely used defense mechanism and is one of the greatest sources of damage to a target.
The narcissist not only denies that they possess negative traits, but they twist it back around on the target in such a shaming way, that the target begins to believe that they do possess the SKEWED ACCUSATIONS of their abuser. I believe the reason for our false acceptance of the shame and blame, comes from the fact that we are very uncomfortable with the interrogational tactics of someone who holds power over us. I would liken it to false confessions by subjects of a police investigation. Accepting the blame, gets the heat of the interrogation to stop.
Projection is IMPOSSIBLE to fight once your boundaries are so obliterated by an abusive person. If we say “That’s what you’re doing” it will be turned around on us again and we will be involved in a circular reference that never corrects itself; only until we forfeit our right to “be right”.
Once we leave the narcissist, this psychological damage can be reversed, but it takes much work and focus to re-secure our boundaries.
Enlisting the help of one or more of his or her codependent friends who will enable and support his or her distorted view.
A skewed person does NOT operate in a vacuum. There are enough people insulating the narcissist to their distortions that the narcissist can point to them, as a defense and say, “But they don’t think there’s anything wrong with me” or “I’ve never had this problem with anyone else”.
What they fail to recognize or articulate is that the people who support them, are also very skewed themselves. Of course you’re going to be able to get a captive to say nice things about you – It’s called “Stockholme Syndrome”. Of course, a person who benefits from a narcissist (sycophant) will be there to defend the narcissist, as they don’t want to lose what they’re using the narcissist for. Narcissist’s use these “flying monkeys” to justify what they do to people who see through their disorder. They pick people who aren’t healthy to supply their need to feel “okay”. To see that the problem doesn’t lay with them, but with YOU, because you dared tell the truth.
As you can see, trying to expect normal relationship skills, like listening/ hearing, give and take, being open and vulnerable, being honest, and seeing both sides of the relationship are IMPOSSIBLE when someone is as skewed as we just described.
Please, don’t take the skewing personal. You haven’t been diagnosed with a personality disorder, and the reason it is so upsetting and unsettling to you, is because your heart KNOWS what fair and respectful treatment is. You have to be able to let go of the idea that you’ll get what you deserve or have any semblance of normalcy with a person with narcissistic personality disorder.
Leave. Distance yourself. Detach. Let Go. Go no contact because that equals no further manipulation; you won’t be faced with the preventative blocks in relationships that defense mechanisms cause. Normal relationships don’t involve this degree of unhealthy fighting. You’ll clear your head and get back to feeling what normal feels like.
You DON’T bargain with someone so that they treat you well. Being treated with kindness, decency, consideration, respect and acceptance should be a prerequisite for an intimate relationship (or any relationship,) not something you are rewarded with for meeting one of the Narcissist’s unreasonable demands or if the Narcissist is trying to manipulate you into fulfilling their agenda by making you a source of supply.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Once a Narcissist latches onto you and your world – ‘GAME ON’ and you will be on an emotional and psychological roller coaster ride that will make your reality so dizzying that all you can do to save your life is to jump off of that roller coaster and hope for the best when you land on your feet.
We have to face the truth about our relationship with a Narcissist – as painful as it may feel and painful it will be AND there is no getting around this – BUT if you have been with, known, or lived with a Narcissist for a significant portion of our life, then you are very much accustomed to pain and being managed down and that is what you are continually working through as well as all of that brainwashing, manipulation or emotional and psychological abuse. This pain feels very different, lonely, isolated, and scary. You CAN get through it though so never look back or feel defeated. Most importantly, you can’t ever go back to the world of Narcissistic lies and betrayal. We can never go back, we have to go forward – WE HAVE TO.
We must be able to recognize that this relationship wasn’t based on love, but upon control tactics (fear, shame, and guilt), unmet emotional needs, dysfunctional dependency, brain-washing, betrayal, constant managing down and projection. WE have bought into the lies that this Narcissist has told us! “No one will ever love you as much as me.” “You’ll never find anyone as wonderful as me.” “You’re crazy if you think anyone else would want you.” “You don’t know how lucky you are that I put up with you.” “You owe me after everything I did for you.” GUESS WHAT they believe this ‘BS’ and nonsense because they are disordered and damaged and have created this false persona that supports their magnanimous opinion of themselves which are really all delusions and failures. They leave a trail of destruction that goes way back to the first days they were able to speak.
We were managed down to accept these lies hook, line, and sinker and sadly pair this brainwashing with a very small handful of good memories that are imprinted on our heart and mind. This brainwashing was a very powerful – especially the positive CHARM as well as the negative managing down that made us feel worthless and dependent on this Narcissist. It became a distorted belief that kept us (and keeps us) from moving on and then disables us AFTER THE FACT making it difficult to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone new because of that negative and consistent conditioning that erased our spirit, belief system, and personality. It also has a traumatic effect on a very important relationship and that is the one with OURSELVES because a Narcissist is able to hone in on our deepest insecurities and bring them to the surface where we become hyper-focused on them and feeling so vulnerable as if these insecurities completely define you in life. A relationship with them can be soul crushing!
A Narcissist’s world is completely EXTERNAL as far as satisfying all of their needs – there is NO internalized emotions, bonding, caring or loving – you and I and every other person are objects to accomplish this! There is absolutely no motivation on the Narcissist’s part as far as any concern with anyone else’s well-being – especially as far as our feelings are concerned or any aspect of our lives – we are only a functional object to supply their every need. This is what makes them dangerous and yes even defined by some as, bad, evil or any other number of things – but whatever we use to describe this personality disorder, they are unsafe for human interaction PERIOD!
Do they see themselves as any of this? Very unlikely because of the extreme denial they are in! Remember that they have created and justified every aspect of their self-serving and fake reality. The destruction and wrong doing they perpetrate is an outcome of their righteous and delusional cause. They have contorted this distorted and delusional behavior into that charm or fake goodness and that ‘love’ to con, trick, and manipulate unsuspecting people into their trap of deceit and destruction because it benefits them and provides them with every fulfillment they crave and can’t get normally. It provides them with supply and they go for it, steal it, or manipulate it away from whomever they can. It is all mechanical to them and fulfilling so they do not apply any thought to the damage it creates because it serves their NEEDS. Supply is their drug of choice and they are addicted to it and will do anything to get their next fix JUST like an addict. This is a pattern that repeats itself with them their entire life. They have completely tweaked their life and reality to accomplish this to serve their every need and for their entire life.
Malignant Narcissism isn’t about an everyday variety of selfishness or just dealing with a big jerk, but better described as a pathological and all-consuming selfishness from a VERY dysfunctional and destructive human being. They create an image or a fake reality to lure us into their world and take everything they can from us. It is a selfishness that will destroy anything that gets in its way if it is not served completely and fully AND even that is not enough because they will want more and other varied sources. Remember that supply is many things that include the lies and support they need from people to boost their facades and lies. Hold ANY of that back from them and you are a target for annihilation. Personally, I have seen both sides of these Narcissists in a long-term relationship and others I have met along my travels in life that I have simply disagreed with and was attacked in ways that were meant to destroy my integrity. They are just that dysfunctional to fight over anything that doesn’t support their lies and façade. THEY ARE DANGEROUS TO PEOPLE and their lives!
The Narcissist needs MANY mirrors to accomplish their fake reality, or to be substantiated and validated to survive or better yet a “host” or MANY ‘hosts’ to serve them at all times! This is what we clinically call “getting supply”. They create this false reality so they can survive and we substantiate it by believing what we see standing in front of us as a real human being full of compassion and empathy. We are that mirror that he/she plays to. Narcissists pose in front of their mirrors (or us) to get the desired reflection back – it is deception to win us over and to get at that supply. When you show looks of interest, admiration, fear, or concern, they are basking in their reflected self or better yet their insubstantial self. But this reflection isn’t just to see themselves as a “good” or “normal” person – that is the con or disguise – it is a means to an end to exploit what they can from us. They need to be a part of society, but they can’t fit in without re-defining themselves and hiding the loathsome monster they are. They lack the mechanism that normal people seem to be born with and grow with – empathy and unconditional love. Without their fake reality, the Narcissist would remain as a lonesome and loathsome creature that hides under rocks and they couldn’t find any supply there – so they come equipped with many disguises.
Their false image/reality is created ONLY as a working component to hide their pathological and dysfunctional life and to make them seem functional, loveable, important or whatever to get to us. I suppose they have developed it to adapt to each and every situation in life. They cognitively create a “special” image for each of us to make them functional in every situation. They need YOU/US to accomplish this. They need you/us to hold up the mirror for them. They aren’t looking at us for anything but as a reflection of their needs. We don’t exist as a person to them, we are only their supply. They are like a parasite that takes what they need without a single thought or benefit for any singular need we have because we are ONLY the host. If you cease giving them what they want they will move on to a better host. They are completely heedless of their tremendous and all-consuming need of people to accomplish their unending NEEDINESS. They just DO NOT care or have any concern for US!
Narcissist stalk their prey as a predator does and we have to see this as the truth about them as defined by their intent to feed off of us and not view them through the charm or fake love because that was the predatory act that trapped us in the first place. To define this in more practical terms a Narcissist must do so because their intentions are malevolent and absolute – they need us to survive. Seriously if we would have known this it would frighten any source of supply away from this creature. If the target could easily discern the true nature and insatiable lusts and intent to drain/destroy them they would run for cover and literally for their life. So, the Narcissist transforms themselves into the best and most luring bait to trap their next victim. They are very adept at making and wearing masks thriving on appearances because they have no positive substance and without it nobody would find them anything but the despicable characters they are. This describes a predator that camouflages itself to obtain prey.
We are only objects to the Narcissist and we are there for one reason and that is to serve them. They refuse (again, conscious choice) to see our humanity and the basic rights that come along with that humanity. We are nothing more than an object for their use. They abide by no law earthly or heavenly. Their world is completely EXTERNAL. When done, they cast you/us aside. People who believe that the Narcissist really loves them are tragically deceived by the many lies that compromise the Narcissist in their lives. The Narcissist NEEDS a vast and varied reservoir of love, compassion and concern, or complete admiration and adoration in EVERY facet of their lives.
You DON’T bargain with someone so that they treat you well. Being treated with kindness, decency, consideration, respect and acceptance should be a prerequisite for an intimate relationship (or any relationship,) not something you are rewarded with for meeting one of the Narcissist’s unreasonable demands or if the Narcissist is trying to manipulate you into fulfilling their agenda by making you a source of supply. Either a person is capable of a reciprocal relationship or they are not. It doesn’t matter what you do or how nice, patient and understanding you are with a Narcissist. They are what they are, a controlling, cruel, abusive, and an emotional bully. You can’t appease a bully or persuade them to be nice to you. If you do, they will only see you as weak and bulldoze you all the more and that is what the Narcissist does in the devaluation stage. A Narcissist will always devalue and discard EVERY person that has some sort of relationship with them because the real creature behind the façade always gets out! They are omnipotent and superior in their own minds. In the reality they are damaged, dysfunctional and destructive abusers – but you will NEVER get them to see this. Know this completely so you can break free from this cycle of abuse and move forward to recovery without givin them any space in your heart or MIND again.
The malignant Narcissist is absolutely incapable of the true emotion of love for any other human being period. You can never successfully deal with a Narcissist if you believe they love you in any real way. They need and use us, but need is not love. A Narcissist’s need is the need that will take with no concern as to whether their taking is destroying you or even killing you, AND it is all consuming. Beneath their thin veneer is the reality of a non-functioning human that uses us as a host to take away our life force. They will malign ALL people and will even use their own biological children as supply and inflict harm onto them as well. We must understand this and accept it to break that bond we THOUGHT was love so we can move forward to recovery. You were chosen because of your amazing qualities that they wanted and they mean to take what they can from you. YOU are resilient and have the ability to move forward to recovery and be that person you once were but you MUST break that hypnotic spell that they cast onto your emotions that poisoned your heart and mind first! No/minimal contact is the only way to break this symbiotic relationship with them – cut off the supply and The Narcissist will move on and away! Greg
Narcissists always have an alibi, an excuse, a minion to shield them and ALWAYS an abundance of lies. Narcissists are not acting on ANY normal or real premise like love, care or sharing empathy – they create these scenarios because THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM PEOPLE. A Narcissist has no more regard for us than a person that steps on and squashes a poor bug that is minding its own bug business on the ground.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Narcissists are shameless self-promoters AND experts at carving out the perfect (false) image for themselves so that they can FIT into ANY scenario to get at what they want. They just fake it whenever possible or cheat their way through life and that includes faking love, relationships OR anything and everything to get at what they want. Many, if not all Narcissists get away with psychological terrorism and they murder their targets self-esteem, mind and soul. Be it bullying, slander, backstabbing, triangulation, or ANY of the tools in their arsenal of abuse. The things that they do should be prosecutable offenses but they do this all their lives and get away with it. So just how do they do it all without any consequences AND why do people believe them? WELL, first off because the Narcissist KNOWS that they are creating outrageous and dehumanizing acts against people and humanity, so they also think up ways to avoid the consequences, especially because of what they fear the most or EXPOSURE! They create an impenetrable fortress with other forms of lies, manipulation and an army of minions that will sing their praises and ALWAYS give them a ‘life alibi.’ Supply is many things even their little soldiers that protect them. THAT and they will completely destroy the integrity of any person that catches on to them.
So, what goes on in the omnipotent Narcissists distorted version of life? There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment, truth or reality as it concerns any other human being on this planet – people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use abuse and discard at will – WE ARE ALL DISPOSABLE OBJECTS. Normal people respect every aspect of life but a Narcissist doesn’t see life as worthy of THEIR respect, nor do they follow any rules, regulations, or obey any laws. So, by treating others as unworthy (and blaming them) the Narcissist is acting as if they are beneath ANY reprieve for their actions, and we are totally insignificant, very disposable and infinitely less important than the all-important Narcissist. A Narcissist has no more regard for us than a person that steps on and squashes a poor bug that is minding its own bug business on the ground. Basically, and unequivocally we are nothing and the Narcissist is everything in their world and they protect their standing at all costs even if it means total destruction of an individual that threatens their accountability! You must always remember that the Narcissist has many other relationships going on as well so there is always a source of supply on the side to replace you as a friend, partner, etc. No one relationship is as real as it seems (or seemed) or has any of the significance we placed on it – especially as it concerned caring or loving them and the Narcissist caring or loving us back! People are extensions of the Narcissist or the working mechanisms that keep the ‘Narcissist machine’ running and there are always spares – when any single part of it breaks down they just replace it with ANOTHER working part.
The Narcissist is really re-enacting or projecting the distorted and hateful images that live inside of them ONTO US because they constantly come to the surface in their world as envy and they HAVE to dump them on to everybody. The Narcissist is the eternal victim in this world and they blame the world for everything so they can live their out-of-control and perverse lifestyle AND justify it. They pathologically compensate for whatever got them to their dark place and make everybody pay for it. They are so demeaning with their value judgments that live on the surface of that thin skin they wear to hide the dark soul inside of them. Once they have lured you in with the CHARM trap watch out because the HARM is sure to follow. Perhaps this is how the Narcissist so easily edits the real and shameful image of him/herself by constantly justifying their actions and making them right because the WORLD owes them EVERYTHING. They can fortify it by reflecting (projecting) it back onto the world with that contemptuous eye they have for everybody they meet. To me it doesn’t matter what got that Narcissist to where they are, because they are abusers plain and simple and destroy lives. It is not my nor anyone else’s responsibility after being psychologically kicked in the head (and purposely) to the point of severe damage to use any justification that abuse was OK. We have all been bullied in life and dealt with hurt but we cognitively grew up to respect people and life and not take it out on people – the Narcissist doesn’t respect ANY life, nor do they want to change, nor do they care. We are often told that we shouldn’t be victims and to move forward in life – there is some truth to this that we should make that our goal to recover — BUT the Narcissist should HAVE to take responsibility for their abuse toward people and life as well and somehow we have to get that message out to the world to protect people from the destruction as it relates to this abuse and a Narcissist.
So, what a Narcissist puts into motion is pathologically treating us like dirt and maligning us behind our backs to control and destroy us. They are predators that are pre-loaded with delusion, psychopathy, and abuse and they consciously just create a mask and facade to hide it all. This seriously puts Narcissists in their own special class with Psychopaths or like a branch from the same Psychopath tree. The class of people who don’t wish you, me, or any other human being any sense of well-being, no matter what or how friendly, caring or loving their façade or mask is. This is the same class of predators as physical, sexual or ANY other kind of abusive predator and Narcissists are just as dangerous. Seriously we MUST internalize Narcissists really are predators and dangerous, but many people just don’t appreciate the true meaning or the reality of Narcissistic abuse basically letting it in one ear and out the other as the saying goes! Psychological and emotional abuse is domestic violence!
Some simple logic! A Narcissist isn’t acting on any normal human premise. All the Narcissist is doing is playing (manipulating) you for the reaction he/she wants to control and abuse you. The truth is irrelevant to a Narcissist because they don’t even know what ‘truth’ is. Truth or lies, it’s all irrelevant to the Narcissist, so whatever works for them and that is usually lies – they are ONE BIG LIE. They are with us for ONE reason only ‘objectification” and we are there to serve them as Narcissistic supply and that is it. Why do they create the huge production with the entire love bombing – to gain our trust first so they can gain access to our head, heart and life and get at that precious supply they need so badly? It is ONLY a working relationship as far as they are concerned and NOT one that has any benefits for us. We are none the wiser, PLUS they gain access to our trusting nature and then attack us by preying on our emotional vulnerabilities to drive the psychological abuse to a point that can and will disable us. But don’t forget they were so good at that CHARM and we were singing their praises at first while they were destroying our integrity behind our backs – they were that good at their game.
So, to support this it would be more correct to say that there is no such thing as truth to a Narcissist, because there is no such thing as truth when you are playing pretend with the whole world and everybody in it. They routinely fool and manipulate family, mental healthcare professionals, teachers, law enforcement, judges, social workers OR you name it and they can fool them. Really builds up a strong case that these critters are everywhere in our world! It isn’t a matter of their intelligence by any means it is a matter of practice and experience – and they have a lifetime of this experience because it is really their survival. You CAN’T always trust an institution or organization to filter out the personality disordered Narcissists either because they are just that good at getting behind a job that makes them seem to be goodness personified and they will use this guise to abuse also. The Narcissist I knew has been closely associated with these ‘social work’ organizations for a lifetime and that is very discerning to know. Other Narcissists will just cheat their credentials to manipulate their way into an organization.
So, then what is the kiss of death to a predator, EXPOSURE because it’s like a repellant that warns new and potential prey to mistrust and stay away from the Narcissist! So, with this in mind a Narcissist lives in constant fear of people finding out that they are a wolf behind sheep’s clothing, or that they just use people, or they want to take away or extort everything that you have that they don’t have, and they will vandalize your integrity and good image to improve their own. They also live in constant fear of ANYBODY learning the shocking truth about their past exploits, or the many they have intentionally destroyed. They also live in constant fear of people discovering what they do in their immoral and perverse world and the many ‘others’ they participate with regularly.
So, to put it all in a nutshell Narcissists are expert con artists – here are some red flags to look out for. They put on a conspicuous display of goodness and kindness but in reality there is NOTHING to back it up. They damage the images of many people. They have a consistent history of past upheavals. They seem to be disliked or hated for mysterious reasons by people close to them. They exhibit unnatural and perplexing behavior or backward reactions to things. They are control freaks, trampling on other people’s privacy and personal boundaries. They are extremely self-absorbed. They have a hostile reaction to attention and credit given to others. They rage very easily. They are very private and dismissive about the particulars of ANY situation especially as it concerns them personally.
So, if you get to know a Narcissist’s history, you will usually see a track record of destruction followed by mysterious upheavals in their life – but the Narcissist will lie and blame every other person, and citing every possible excuse they can. Narcissists really keep their past separated from the present and the future. Never be silent about this abuse because too many people have been harmed by these creatures – even their own biological children and family. If they are forced out of the darkness, and made accountable for their actions, they would be forced to stop their abuse or run like the cowards they really are and maybe live with other Narcissists in a world so full of chaos and crazy-making that they would no longer need us to support their delusional world. That was just a bad attempt at some humor because a Narcissist could not live in a world where other Narcissists were controlling THEM and using THEM for supply because without it they couldn’t survive. No/minimal contact! Greg
The closer the connection or association to a Narcissist the more pathological the Narcissist becomes and the more damage done to the target/victim. Their needs are far more than just extorting basic life and biological needs, it is their delusional psychological needs that cause the most damage to their target/victim.
The habit of treating a human being or a person as a means to an end or basically an OBJECT is ‘just common practice’ to a Narcissist and manipulation and control are the mechanisms they use to achieve this dehumanization of people to satisfy their MANY needs! It is fundamentally inhumane or a pathological and perverted manipulation of our basic human rights and SADISTIC – there is no other way to describe it except for what it is OR emotional and psychological abuse. The Narcissist is feeding their endless ‘depravity void’ through injustice by his/her disregard for others and treating them as mere instruments for their own gratification or OBJECTS.
The closer the connection or association to a Narcissist the more pathological the Narcissist becomes and the more damage done to the target/victim. Their needs are far more than just extorting basic life and biological needs, it is their delusional psychological needs that cause the most damage to their target/victim. It is their need to control and gain dominance or power over other people that damages and destroys them. They are BASICALLY human with most of the same biological needs (like eating, breathing and sexuality) but when it comes to mental functions they are delusional and seem to have a battle that rages in their head to seriously harm people that love them as if they loathe all people and need to destroy them one by one – but yet they USE them to satisfy all of their needs!
The Narcissist is incapable of love because at the core of his/her Narcissism is the total refusal to honor others as individuals (basic human rights) or to truly love and appreciate others as individuals that are anywhere near equal to the omnipotent Narcissist. It is a fortress or huge wall of envy or jealousy that is weak and very wobbly because it always comes tumbling down and the Narcissist shows their true colors with their debasing and dehumanizing mannerisms because they are empty as far as emotions, empathy, caring, loving or bonding because people are only mere OBJECTS. What the Narcissist does love or better yet crave (for a while) is the false self he/she has created and that he/she NEEDS to see reflected in the affirmation and supply from others to feel real and alive but without a real connection that quickly wears off and they are bored and need MORE supply. They are actors and actresses picking and choosing their roles and perfecting them to receive their ‘Emmy’ award or better yet the most and best SUPPLY they can get from their audience. It doesn’t really matter WHO it comes from just as long as they are getting supply and that is why they can move on so easily – and AGAIN they DO NOT bond with people they objectify them.
It is basically a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist is more akin to a TICK feeding on us to survive, as well as infecting us with their poisonous saliva that can and will disable and infect us. We are just a source to feed them, entertain them, and a cover to hide their disfigured and abusive lifestyle. After being objectified and abused we are then blamed/shamed and destroyed as if in a ritual way to remove ANY and ALL accountability from the Narcissist because he/she can never allow themselves to see the reality of their disordered life and the destruction they cause – that and to avoid exposure from the truth that they REALLY are disordered and abusive. This is the truth about their superiority or omnipotence, and it is as flimsy as their reality in this world.
Since a Narcissist is incapable of truly loving another as an individual, all the Narcissist’s relationships with others are perverted, twisted, and abusive. To use a person is to abuse a person, and everyone in the Narcissist’s life WITHOUT EXCEPTION is nothing more than a means of procuring affirmation, adulation, admiration OR supply. We are a means to an end driven by the Narcissist’s self-serving agenda to secure supply or basically to extort people. They NEED to be that ‘star’ that is admired from near and far but they earn NONE of it – as a matter of fact they steal everything that they claim to be substance in their lives.
A Narcissist is calculating and refuses ANY connection or obedience of the basic requirements of life or the natural moral laws as they apply to life and human rights. Obedience to a Narcissist implies that there is something larger or better than what they are and they will never comply because it would define them as being WEAKER to allow anyone to feel significant enough to be their equal or better. It is almost like the Narcissist completely relates everything in life to a measurement, but this measurement begins and ends with them. As the saying goes, the sun rises and sets on a Narcissist because they feel they are above all life AND how dare you believe in the smallest way that you are their equal.
The Narcissist creates the terms of how THEY measure life, so if they were a “tape measure or a ruler”, they would determine the dynamics of each and every measurement OR define every inch of every foot – and you can believe that it would not be consistent as it is SUPPOSED to be. The Narcissist has to be ‘that’ which measures (and judges) and NEVER that WHICH IS MEASURED and NEVER judged. Literally they “coin” the phrase “give them an inch and they will take a yard.” Well that and anything they can get their tentacles around because they are ALWAYS after something when it comes to any relationship. Unfortunately, if you withhold that ‘something’ from them or test them in any way you will be annihilated because they have a very short fuse! You are there to serve them or ELSE!
Nevertheless, our first experiences with the Narcissist has allowed us to believe in a prince/princess ‘charming’ who have done great things in our lives like “loving us” so we hold on to keep the faith, and live with this Narcissist’s amazing BUT fake integrity. It is our empathy, love and basic trust that are targeted. The Narcissist has bamboozled us through this wondrous and seemingly normal façade that IMITATES extreme goodness as well as fake virtues that we hold in good faith BUT really with little or no real accountability or proof – and that was a BIG OOPS. SO, there within the problem LIES – the Narcissist is so very adept at circumventing the intellect and manipulating man/womankind by their craft or better yet craftiness that they have perfected all of their life, so they target us where it counts – OUR EMOTIONS, TRUST, and LOVE! Too bad we couldn’t have run a ‘love or past relationship’ report on them because their rating would have probably been a ZERO! But we were all raised with love and relationships and generally when someone shows us these normal qualities we tend to ‘align with’ or believe them because they are familiar to us.
Because Narcissists have depleted or deleted their character so profoundly through choices contrary to the norms of reason or basic DENIAL, they will even begin to see themselves as what they project, mirror, and bounce off of us – so basically we give life to their delusions. If you are not governed by any natural or moral laws, but by the law of “whatever you want to be to get whatever you want” well then you hold great power, but you need to CONTROL the world to achieve this superiority, so the Narcissist is fundamentally a dictator and rule their world.
Unfortunately, this comes at a great cost to the Narcissist and their biggest weakness is that it is never enough and they fall into their “out-of-control” lifestyle quickly for more and more adulation and supply from wherever they can get it. Betrayal, addictions, many affairs on the side, gas-lighting, horrendous lies, etc., are all part of the façade and they become so careless that when they are caught and made accountable time after time, their ‘subjects’ (targets/victims) retaliate. A dictator only uses a stronger fist to subdue their ‘subjects’ and likewise a Narcissist does the same with a ‘smear campaign’ of lies to destroy their victim’s integrity. A Narcissist can’t substantiate their delusional lifestyle with us to maintain a relationship because eventually the dictator Narcissist turns hateful, destructive, AND bored. It is of course our entire fault for not cultivating/nurturing all of their delusions and lies and allowing them to maintain the abusive life they created for us. SO, when all is said and done the Narcissist is really running away from their own lies and delusions because they are afraid of being EXPOSED! Obviously, they KNOW what they are doing but they just do not care because they do not have the mechanics to do so – and that is what defines this horrendous personality disorder – a person that does not have the ability to care, feel, or think like we do that acts of every single urge!
The Narcissist can’t maintain their facade without exposing their true colors, and exposure is their greatest fear. So, the Narcissist exerts their last bit of power to annihilate the very source that could expose the truth or their target/victims. Hence all those clinical terms that describe the repercussions of our relationship with them like back stabbing and the ‘smear campaign’ and BOOM we are destroyed, done and gone forever. No-one is ever the wiser so life goes on FOR THE NARCISSIST while we pay for it with no closure whatsoever and the trauma from all of the damage. Don’t forget that there are always THOSE subjects that the Narcissist has been grooming while they were abusing us so there you go again – BOOM – they have a brand new ‘subject’ (target/victim) ready and waiting to serve them and new soldiers to protect their lies and shore up the fortress. The biggest point I want to reinforce is that this had NOTHING to do with YOU. It was situational and abuse and you were conned and betrayed in an inhumane and disabling manner so this creature could get at what they wanted. You ARE still that amazing person and you WILL recover from this with the truth, education, self-compassion, introspection, and time. You are an amazing person to have come this far and you will survive and recover from this! No/minimal contact is the ONLY way to end the abuse and move forward to healing and recovery! Greg
A good reminder concerning breaking free from a Narcissist and this abuse and NOT reconnecting. No or minimal contact is imperative to stop the Narcissist from abusing you and breaking the spell of that magic ‘charm’ they use on everybody to keep them as a viable source of supply!
The Narcissist will ALWAYS rob the target/victim of their authenticity, integrity, individualism, and their soul – AND – if to add insult to injury they will even destroy the victim’s integrity with back stabbing and a smear campaign. So, with all of that in mind the target/victim has to learn to trust the world again and that is a task that will not be easy to accomplish without some specialized help. The first reality is to reclaim the knowledge that YOU were the normal person and genuine with your feelings and that you had been tricked into an emotionally destructive situation which ultimately was meant to control you as well as disable you. Recovery is a process to reclaim your ‘normal’, as well as your feelings, emotions, and belief system in the real world and to overcome fears of expressing those feelings again. ALL of this starts with clarity and that happens with no/minimal contact AND never turning back. Every little step towards this is a success in your recovery and a MUST to move forward. Just remember that the potential for finding a genuine and loving relationship still exists within you but that can only happen when this Narcissist is totally out of your life. YOU ARE A PERSON THAT CAN LOVE, a Narcissist can NEVER love and lives in a loathsome and dark world where they will always be alone no matter whether they are physically with someone or not. They will always find another source of supply – so let them!
Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist can be described in many ways, but the reality of the situation is that we have looked into the eyes of what can only be described as a cruel, dark and totally dysfunction or better yet disordered person. It is psychological terrorism by a disordered human being that had no intentions whatsoever to be anything to us but a thief of hearts, as well as a thief of our life.
The aspect that is the most damaging about this abuse is that it is essentially subtle, silent, and invisible. In time, emotional and psychological abuse has robbed the target/victim of their worth, belief system, soul, and spirit. Life is no longer the world that they once knew because it doesn’t feel safe, and their core beliefs about one of the most cherished aspects of life (LOVE) has been redefined and corrupted by a battle that ensued with what can only now be described as a silent enemy or a Narcissist. A battle that the target/victim never even realized was going on. Yes, Narcissists are dangerous to man/womankind because they act out in a manner to harm good people and leave them and their welfare at such a vulnerable place that the recovery is a process that requires time that can compound the abuse even more. To sum it up, trauma and extreme loss that disables the victim are the best words to use here, and a loss that destroys people and entire families.
Nothing about this abuse can be construed as anything normal. It is an impossible task to wrap your head around the intentions of such a disordered person, yet alone explain the abuse to the world in a manner that achieves a sense of credibility. Narcissists are like a disease that slowly enters the body and spreads everywhere destroying and shutting the body down bit by bit – but with this abuse it is a debilitating manipulation that destroys the mind. Unfortunately, there is no cure or medication to stop the diseased Narcissist except to remove the malignancy completely from your life. ALWAYS NO or MINIMAL CONTACT and then the process starts to your personal recovery.
Whether you are a man or a woman who has endured an abusive relationship with a Narcissist the best policy AGAIN is the “No/Minimal Contact” rule and the sooner you achieve this the better. You must make a clean break and stick with it so the healing process can begin. It’s natural to feel emotional or sentimental after a break up however you are in a war zone when you are dealing with an abusive relationship with a Narcissist. Seriously they have the artillery, landmines, and bombs ready and waiting to destroy their target/victim and they are going to use them all!
This is serious stuff because your time is precious on this earth and once you recognize that this person is an abusive Malignant Narcissist it is time to get into action to get away from them. I am going to include my list to help you organize this ‘no/minimal contact. I looked at my departure from abuse as the “GREG Witness Protection Program.” These are the basic combat plans and a START to achieve your goals of “no/minimal contact” as well as protect yourself.
1. Ability not to care at all as it concerns your Ex-Narcissist! They are not real and don’t exist in the natural and normal world where we all reside. They are an abomination of lies and manipulation, not a person that has emotions, cares or loves.
2. Make a commitment to yourself to refuse to be influenced in any way by threats, further intimidation, or bad consequences. Leave it where it is WITH THE NARCISSIST hissing in the shadows and NEVER respond. Save any emails, text messages, and journal everything they say as proof. They are cowards and fight with hideous lies meant to cause irreparable damage to your integrity. In the end, you will learn that the only people that believe the Narcissist’s lies are not real friends but judgmental and toxic people that you do not need or want in your life.
3. Take a decisive approach to breaking ALL of the connections and sever any and ALL residual communication links like mutual friends or social networking sites. This is important because you must remember that a Narcissist manipulates in every possible way they can even on social sites, etc. All you will see are more lies, more fake stories, or more garbage that will only confound and confuse you more. Nothing about them has changed except that they are probably onto CHARMING a new and unsuspecting target that will end up into the same place that any person that has any connection to this person (a Narcissist) does or HARM!
4. YOU MUST absolutely refuse to feel any “shame or blame” or to be put on the defensive especially in your OWN mind as if ANY of this is your fault or real. The abuse is psychological terrorism and meant to disable your thought processes so the Narcissist can CONTROL you. DON’T ALLOW IT anymore – TAKE THAT POWER AWAY FROM THEM! They are emotional and psychological bullies that use fear, chaos, crazy-making, lies, and betrayal to disable your thought processes to confuse and control you. If you disconnect completely from reacting to their chaos you will be ahead of the game! In time, you will refuse any of their attempts to ever manipulate your mind or your good energy again!
5. Insistence from this point on that any discussion of the facts (especially with yourself) begin with and are defined with the truth OR call it what it is – “abuse,” “destruction,” and “control” as well as removing the Narcissist’s name from your vocabulary – this was a personality disordered creature that intentionally harmed you.
6. Refusal to negotiate with the Narcissist EVER because you KNOW the absolute truth so NEVER give it up – NEVER! Remember they do not negotiate they manipulate and divert with lies to manage you right back into that place of despair, feeling wrong and worthless! YES, they will drag you back into the abuse every opportunity you give them when you feel that you can fix this relationship or them! This is why you must disconnect from them with either no or minimal contact.
7. You MUST believe that you are strong and be cognizant of the fact that this Narcissist picked the wrong person to “smear” or take down. You are too smart for them and YOU are the real person here that is amazing, unconditional with your love and most importantly you possess a quality called empathy which a Narcissist has NONE. AGAIN – those that believe the Narcissist or engage in the Narcissist’s ‘smear campaign’ are WEAK and abusive as well and not worth your time or energy. Your truth is what is real and that is what the right people in your life know and believe.
8. Adopt a policy or philosophy and accept the collateral damage as the cost of freedom from this abuse and further evidence of the rightness of your cause and the very truth. It is like RUNNING from them but in an organized and responsible fashion! You are not dealing with a normal person you are dealing with a terrorist with the intent to harm you more and destroy you and your integrity so it is PROTECTING yourself.
9. Practice extreme patience with yourself always and don’t be worn down by any setbacks, surprises, or consequence. We all make mistakes and step backwards. This isn’t something you have had experience with because it is ABUSE and that word says it all! Every day is a new day and one more day that you moved forward and nearer to your total recovery.
10. Reconnect with the world and with yourself. Get back in touch with the people you weren’t allowed to see or those you fell out of contact with. Start doing the things you used to enjoy little by little. Pursue your interests again. Make a commitment to exercise or working out. The goal here is to make yourself healthy and strong in body, spirit and mind. Do not isolate yourself! DO NOT ISOLATE YOURSELF! I know I repeated that but it is important to allow yourself a real connection with other people be it friends, acquaintances, or just stepping out.
Stay in your own personal “witness protection program” for as long as it takes and tape this list onto your refrigerator to remind yourself every day what your basic goals are. This is serious and meant to get your life back and gain clarity with knowledge, education and support! No contact or minimal contact is putting yourself in a protective zone to end the chaos and crazy making completely to give yourself the freedom you need to educate yourself, find proper help as in therapy, re-establish a place for yourself in the world, establish healthy boundaries, and to realize that the horrendous betrayal you experienced was forced upon you by a delusional and disordered person over a long period of time. This abuse was slow and insidious, but it is like a cancer that has been growing in your body, YOU MUST do what you can to get rid of the malignancy. This process can only be achieved by the “no or minimal contact” rule.
The Narcissist was special, your prince or princess CHARMING, and the person you fell in love with or believed in as it concerns whatever your personal connection was with them. BUT after the initial “love bombing” or courtship this relationship turned TOXIC and abusive. Each time you initiate contact or respond to his/her overtures, you have to start the healing process all over again. It happens and we do fall backwards, but get back up as quick as you can and let it only reinforce the real goal of getting back to the recovery program. Re-initiating contact will only prolong your pain and recovery and cause more and severe damage because the Narcissist knows that you have their number and will step up the manipulation and abuse to avoid exposure. It’s the difference between recuperating in the hospital slowly after open heart surgery, or deciding instead that you will skip the recuperation period and go work out at the gym. You are only going to end up in harm’s way if you don’t recuperate correctly until you are COMPLETELY healed. In the case of a Narcissist you want to maintain that “no contact” forever!
If you give a Narcissist an inch, they’ll they take an arm or leg off with a few swift bites. You may think it is OK to accept calls and/or responding to texts and emails, but it is wrong and DANGEROUS to YOU and your well-being. You are only giving the Narcissist permission to keep abusing you. The Narcissist will interpret your willingness to maintain contact as interest in rekindling this desperate relationship and a WEAKNESS on your part and they will add more links to that chain that is around your neck. If you DO respond to your Ex-Narcissist, he/she does indeed still have you on a chain that will now get tighter to pull you back into the abuse. The Narcissist will definitely continue to gas-light, manipulate, trick you, lie, be possessive and intrusive, and extort everything else they can from you. All that Narcissist needs is the smallest bit of attention, negative or positive to keep them going. If you want that Narcissist to move on, you must starve the beast and that means no contact and no attention. If you must have contact make it minimal or business as needed – you cannot allow them to drag you into their manipulation or emotional chaos.
There are many lists out there that basically say the same thing but this is my addendum to the generic version or again what I called my personal “witness protection plan.” Everything on this list may not be feasible for everyone especially if you MUST have contact. But even with minimal contact you HAVE to disconnect from any emotions and stop negotiating with yourself or looking for any other answer than the truth that you experienced the abuse of a Malignant Narcissist and it is time to get out and away from the Narcissist’s ability to control and abuse you. Be like a programed robot with every battle you MUST have because of legal decisions, or biological children – BUT NEVER negotiate where it involves you personally or emotionally. I think it’s a good example of the level of personal commitment no/minimal contact requires or at least a model to help bring awareness as to the importance of solutions to separate from the problem of this abuse – the NARCISSIST. Remember that knowledge and education is the first step in recovery. We must all go on a journey of personal introspection and look inward to fix what needs fixed so that we NEVER allow toxic people to ever take us to such a dark place. You are amazing and you can and will survive this attack on your life and become a stronger and better person. Greg
A little bit more to really ‘get this’ or understand the duality that exists AND lingers in our minds from this horrendous connection with this NARCISSIST and our ABUSER. All of these conflicting thoughts, so much confusion, being blamed – SO WHAT HAS GONE SO WRONG! In reality, it is control and abuse that disorientates your thoughts and disables your reality – and what is WRONG is that you are being situationally and systematically abused by a Narcissist. REMEMBER – Narcissists do NOT think like us so it is futile to apply our normal logic to anything they do!
Narcissists will degrade their victims, rip apart their self-esteem, and basically erase their personalities! In turn, this will basically blind you and make resistance to their manipulation and control strategies difficult and impossible to detect. This is what psychological abuse does or distorts and diverts your reality. They use tactics such as sarcasm, belittling, cruel and constant criticizing, bullying, name calling, berating, excessive blaming, gas-lighting, screaming, raging, threatening, humiliation AND dehumanization. Over time, the constant verbal and emotional attacks weaken the target/victim and erode their sense of self confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem while it enables the Narcissist to feel more powerful and, hence, more and more in control over your reality and life. It is the constant managing down that breaks your spirit completely. You are not experiencing a relationship you are experiencing a reactionary connection with them where you are STUCK constantly explaining and defending yourself in an attempt to return to those days that you were affirmed and loved by this creature. There was no love because that was just another manipulation to gain your trust to make you vulnerable to the Narcissist’s abuse!
The Narcissist plays on your vulnerabilities, fear, guilt, compassion, and values to get what they want. They have gained your trust by making you believe they loved you. This could include threats to end the relationship, silencing or a “cold shoulder,” punishment or other fear tactics. A Narcissist believes and projects an attitude of being omnipotent or all powerful but basically they are really trying to conquer their targets/victims or we could even say overpower them with their manipulative agenda and facde. They need to be in control of others and must have everything their way or they will resort to threats or any other methods to achieve total submission in people. Eventually, the target/victim loses the battle and becomes a prisoner to the Narcissist and the abuse. Just imagine the number of years a target/victim is subjected to this hideous brain-washing and the resulting damage!
Your mind is always trying to process this duality that exists because unlike the Narcissist you possess empathy – you love them and believe in them but on the other hand you don’t like what they do to you and you find yourself buried under all of this as you try to sort through it and make this relationship cohesive again. How can the person you love and vice versa have changed so drastically? They haven’t changed, you are only seeing the truth about who and what they are. You just don’t completely get it YET. What exists is cognitive dissonance. In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values. The theory of cognitive dissonance focuses on how we strive for internal consistency. When inconsistency (dissonance) is experienced, individuals tend to become psychologically uncomfortable and they are motivated to attempt to reduce this dissonance, as well as actively avoiding the situations and information which are likely to increase it. The struggle exists within loving this person and trying to avoid the unavoidable and consistent managing down or the dissonance that is NOW distorting your original vision or how you BELIEVED in this person (the Narcissist). How do you avoid this when love is the reality that you are hanging onto? You do this with education and knowledge to understand that you are dealing with a personality disordered person that will no change nor do they want to change.
Narcissists intentionally promote feelings of anxiety and despair in their targets/victims by making impervious threats and using intimidation, bullying, and lies. This unfortunately can cause the victim to submit to the unreasonable demands or pathological bullying by the Narcissist. The Narcissist will also isolate their target/victim to deprive them of any outside support which further reduces their ability to resist and give into their disordered demands as the victim’s reality is continually distorted. The Narcissist will keep the target/victim unaware of what is happening perhaps by taking complete control of the finances, making plans that are unknown to the victim, tell lies about them to others, being distant, withholding feelings, etc. This strategy leads to the target/victim becoming totally dependent on the Narcissist for validation and information because of the isolation. That information will of course be distorted and damaging to the target/victim.
The Narcissist will insist upon controlling their partner’s time as well as their physical environment to try to curb their NORMAL or natural behavior, reality, and feelings of independence or better yet their individuality. They may even insist on their partner, friend, or family member on giving up certain hobbies, social engagements or even work-related activities further isolating them. They may also insist that their partner move in with them or away with them to a new location which AGAIN further isolates the victim from their family or friends. Abusers may convince the target/victim that aspects of the target/victim’s character or behavior are totally wrong or they have issues, which takes the focus off what the Narcissist is doing or diversion. Using isolation of the target/victim, the Narcissist can then control what type of information, stimuli, and reality the victim has access to. They will triangulate to place wedges between you and close family members or friends pitting you against each other with lies attached to familiarity that they have accessed by knowing you.
Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts are used to keep the target/victim unsettled and anxious. This behavior leaves the target/victim feeling like they are always on edge and a slave to the Narcissist’s many moods. Targets/victims are always waiting for the other shoe to drop and can never know what is expected. Targets/victims remain hypersensitive or hyper vigilant, waiting for the Narcissist’s next rage, mood change or attack! Living like this is extremely confusing, demanding, disabling, and anxiety provoking, causing the target/victim to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance or the ‘walking in eggshells’ or as I call it ‘walking on shards of broken glass.’ These are the distorted messages that find a home in our heart, mind, and reality.
A Narcissist will deliberately start arguments and be in continual conflict with their present supply to allow the Narcissist freedom to live their ‘out of control’ lifestyle to seek out other supply – this again is basically CONTROL. Narcissists are addicted to chaos and drama since it creates excitement and they draw deluded attention from it (supply is positive or negative attention). They will walk away in silence to drive their point home and further punish you. They are not giving any of it a second thought and are probably off seeking other supply to get their hit because it is like a drug to them. These are very disordered creatures that enjoy inflicting pain on their loved ones to feel some sort of disordered power over them.
Needless to say, we are human and even though situations like the aforementioned seem too incredulous to be real BUT we know our own truths because we have live through this and it still has an effect on us. Somehow, we have to deal with the distorted messages and wonder why the Narcissist is attacking us in such serious ways and we question ourselves as if we have some part in all of this. WHY? Because we are normal human beings that strive for consistency and try to work through things and a Narcissist is not a fully functioning human being and does not have these reasoning powers – but we believe they do. Over time these levels of craziness find a place deep down inside of us that make us wonder if we ARE crazy OR crazy for hanging on and trying to resolve any of this. I knew that none of chaos and crazy making had anything to do with me because I knew my life and none of this defined my reality, but the constant question of “why would I be attacked so viciously” would keep me in a constant haze as well as overanalyzing the situation trying to end the conflicts. I remember saying to my Narcissist that we needed a miracle, but there was no miracle that could have fixed any of this! The real miracle was when I accepted the truth and was free from this monster – and YES monster is what describes this person. REMEMBER – Narcissists do NOT think like us so it is futile to apply our normal logic to anything they do!
You are left with so many conflicting messages that keep you trapped in extreme emotional confusion because this is what the Narcissist wants. By doing this it is like being on a rollercoaster as far as your emotions are concerned – or constantly going up and then right back down OR perpetual, disordered and dizzying motion to control you and keep you off balance. You don’t have time to clearly think or see the forest for the trees. This is a person that initially proclaimed a real love for you that you invested in AND believed was real. Suddenly that image turns completely around and what was love is now contempt through subtle BUT direct attacks of your integrity to erode our well-being and WORTH!
People do not intentionally hurt people, as well as take advantage of their love or betray their trust! Narcissists will and do FOR SURE! When someone’s actions are unexplainable and fall outside your normal realm of understanding, belief system or moral code, it is not because you ARE the bad person OR you deserve this behavior, INSTEAD it is because there is ultimately something wrong with THEM. Somehow you have to internalize and encapsulate this message so that you steer away from the tendency to blame yourself as well as to assure that you don’t in turn apply compassion to forgive your abuser for harming or destroying you because this was intentional. This is why it is tricky as far as putting the correct spin on the truth! You must also consider your personal safety at all times!
Even though you have labeled them as the Narcissist and they more than likely are, YOU are the one having to deal with sorting this out and finding peace with it because they have moved on and left you with all of the distorted and disabling messages. It will take some time to just understand how someone could possibly be so deceitful, and destructive no matter what! I can say that they (the Narcissist) is definitely the one with the problem, BUT the pain doesn’t go away, nor does that erase what you believed was real! This is not a reality that we have past experience with and you have to adjust your belief system to include this now. This is what novels about creatures and monsters are written about that send a shiver up your spine. The fictional horror movies we have watched are now real to us and one of these creatures existed in our personal world. We can’t just close our eyes or pull a blanket over our head to resist seeing them because they are reality now! Accepting that is an insurmountable process and truth we have to travel to get to!
You will come out of this. You will form new and strong boundaries. You will reflect on your own inner conflicts and resolve them. You will grow with the knowledge that there are bad and even evil people out there that can and will attempt to destroy you. You will learn to differentiate the reality of good and bad in life and seek out the goodness in others and return it naturally as it should be. You will find what is important in life and live with an inner peace from knowing this horrid adversity. It is a life changing reality when someone psychologically rapes and terrorizes your mind. It is an unnecessary evil but you now realize it existed in your world and you will protect yourself at all costs from returning to this Narcissist or allowing a similar toxic or abusive person into your life. It all starts with no/minimal contact to break the chain around your neck! It also requires that you accept the reality of a Narcissist and NEVER return as in trying to figure them out, understand them, and feel a need to help them or associate with anything that concerns them – you must get them completely out of your head once you realize the truth. Put all of that away so you can put positive energy into yourself and your recovery! Greg