Narcissism 101 – a good reminder to keep us moving forward! A relationship with a Narcissist is like a one-way street, and you will travel in that direction for as long as you are driving on their highway of life. You can never change the direction and inevitably that direction always leads you to a ‘dead end’.

Narcissism 101 – a good reminder to keep us moving forward! A relationship with a Narcissist is like a one-way street, and you will travel in that direction for as long as you are driving on their highway of life. You can never change the direction and inevitably that direction always leads you to a ‘dead end’.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists are masters of deception, manipulation, betrayal and lies. They drive their “reality” home through bullying, brute verbal force and emotional abuse. A Narcissist clings to their prefabricated/phony belief system no matter how many times they are confronted with evidence to the contrary. In fact, the more wrong they are, the greater the manipulation and outrage they will display. If you challenge a Narcissist’s point of view, lies, distortions, unfounded accusations, etc., just watch how the discussion turns into a one-sided argument with drama, denial, chaos, re-writing history, theatrics, threats, silencing and even punishment very quickly.

Narcissism 101 – a quick reference guide to explain some of the tools in the Narcissists arsenal to succeed at extorting supply and abusing their target/victim.

1. Avoidance Tactics! When you present facts that contradicts a Narcissists belief, they will flip to another tangent or change the subject or even make up some sort of accusation against YOU, then use it against you to counter or divert your questioning, etc., etc. – organized CRAZY MAKING on the Narcissists part to avoid facts or truth. While you are still defending your original point and why it’s valid, the Narcissist annihilates or assassinates your thoughts (because you’re making sense) and distracts you by jumping to another topic that’s completely out in left field. The result WHAM – that wily and shrewd Narcissist has side tracked your whole thought process and somehow you are the one being interrogated and your original question or thought has gone up in a puff of smoke to the heavens and it will never return OR BE VALIDATED with a response – EVER!!

2. Silent Treatment! It can start by the Narcissist blurting out these two words – SHUT UP! When you try to explain your feelings or point of view, you will be silenced or even told to, “shut up!” Narcissists are psycho bullies and will bulldoze your words or thoughts right into the trash heap. When you challenge them, they believe if they ignore you, or stop you from speaking the truth that it doesn’t exist, sort of like a small child who closes their eyes to “make you go away.” After all they have the mentality of a three-year-old child. They can’t handle the smallest truth and they go to great lengths to deny and obliterate it by overpowering the target/victim and always gaining control – as well as shooting the messenger too!

3. Name-Calling or making fun of you. This is the last resort of psycho bullies, such as Narcissists. Because they can’t honestly or intelligently defend their position or their behaviors, they resort to emotionally-based personal attacks. It’s another distraction technique that sidetracks you from the original point of contention by disorienting you and putting you on the defensive. They intend to hurt your feelings with some sort of a ‘snarky’ comment to hurt you and that they do without a care in the world.

Calling a person names doesn’t prove any point it’s merely an attack AND cruel and meant to divert you by causing you pain. Walk away with dignity and respect without internalizing whatever cruel insult the Narcissist has tried to wound you with. Life is not a playground for Narcissists to act out in defense of their “damaged inner self” so they can control, overpower and knock everybody else down to the ground in defense of their out-of-control and perverse lifestyle.

4. Projecting. Narcissist project by accusing their targets of things that they themselves are actually guilty of. I can remember those times when I was accused of having multiple affairs, or using sex sites to find anonymous partners, or the most confusing comment that I was having affairs with married partners and how horrendously wrong this was. I would shake my head and my jaw would drop to the ground. I KNEW THE TRUTH that I didn’t do any of this, but at the time I wondered why and where this Narcissist was getting this perverted information. So, push the “forward button” to the present and now I know the truth that these WERE the things this Narcissist did to me in the shadows. Projection makes them feel “OK” about their lies, betrayal and any other dark things they are doing. They just cast them onto us, distort our reality by making us guilty of what they are actually doing and somehow this makes it OK that they do what they do that is so destructive to us. They JUST DON’T CARE who they may hurt with their perverse life because they are totally directed by their neediness and out-of-control lifestyle – AND THEY ALWAYS ACT ON IT.

I knew a male Narcissist that BOASTED about his sexual prowess. This Narcissist was married with children and his wife was expecting another child. One night the Narcissist went out with some friends in a car and they ALL engaged in acts of sex. When I responded in disbelief, this Narcissist said, “what it wasn’t really sex (as in the conventional method) and my wife didn’t know about it, and she was pregnant.” When I explained that IT WAS SEX and that his wife would have been horribly devastated if the truth ever came out – plus she was pregnant – and the whole situation was just wrong – he shrugged his shoulders and just didn’t care. This exactly describes how a Narcissist really doesn’t care and how deluded they are about the reality of their disordered lifestyle! If you would do the exact same thing to a Narcissist they would have you arrested, thrown in jail, have congress hear their allegations, and probably have you removed from the country.

5. Narcissists have a perspective of people AND the world around them and that is all-or-nothing or basically everything is in black-and-white terms. They have no capacity for context so you either see things their way or you must be destroyed as the enemy, imprisoned, punished and SILENCED. You can’t respectfully agree to disagree EVER. Any criticism, difference of opinion, accountability issue, or challenge to their “authority” is seen as a threat and will be treated as such that you will be devalued and destroyed. It doesn’t even have to be something you have said, it can come right from the Narcissist’s interpretation of any given situation and it can become a perceived threat that they will react to. Somehow a situation becomes YOUR fault when you have NOTHING to do with it and/or it is innocent. For example, a smile from a stranger, a phone call from a tele-marketer, or your phone ringing and you just don’t answer it, etc., etc. Their vivid little minds contort these simple situations into us having affairs, or whatever delusional belief they come up with. Quite simply the Narcissist reacts to the world in a constant defensive manner.

6. Smear Campaigns and Back-Stabbing are probably the most destructive to our lives. The Narcissist utilizes this tool in a manner to cause the most destruction they can. It’s never enough for the Narcissist to act out against us or only disagree with and despise us. Everyone else in the whole world must also hate you and see how wrong you are, or how mentally ill we are too – this includes family, friends, co-workers, and any other person you have contact with like the preacher at your church, doctor, local policeman, educators, etc. Narcissists attack your ethics, integrity, sexuality and manufacture the most ridiculous stories/lies and basic nonsense in order to destroy your reputation. The slander and gossip can be done in such a way that it looks like the Narcissist is ‘just concerned’ and comes up smelling like a rose. Unfortunately, the bigger the lie, the more gullible people seem to become and they tend to believe it. You are damned if you do or damned if you don’t in this scenario. If you defend yourself you seem guilty, if you don’t defend yourself you seem guilty – SO YOU SEEM GUILTY of everything they have said!

Furthermore — Narcissists are manipulative psycho gossips. They eagerly listen to and spread slander. They are self-righteous finger-pointers, always accusing others of being wrong, bad, lacking morals, etc. Narcissists can make their gossip sound virtuous, but destroying people’s integrity isn’t a good deed by any means. The Narcissist will badmouth others but embellish his/her slandering with words like “love” as well as use Christianity and concern that requires the Narcissists prayers to help the POOR victim that the Narcissist is back-stabbing to death. The Narcissist wears a halo above their head to help keep that mask from slipping – but a halo does not change the spirit in which slander is done OR to control, manipulate, triangulate as well as to divide and conquer people to hide THEIR own indiscretions of how despicable they really are. Narcissists are character assassins. A Narcissist has a trail of trashing good names and careers in their wake. The Narcissist will have even told you horrendous and terrible lies about the people in his/her own immediate family, etc.

7. Gas-lighting is a term that is derived from an old black and white movie where a character tried to make their spouse believe they were going crazy or insane. The Narcissist LOVES gas-lighting to make their target/victim seem crazy or insane. They may deny things they’ve said and done and accuse you of the same to make you believe that you are forgetful, or delusional. They may hide things like your car keys and tell you how forgetful you are. They will also twist a grain of truth about most any personal situation and turn it inside out or into a huge distortion until you seriously doubt your own sanity and look like the crazy person when you try to defend yourself. For instance, they will accuse you drinking too much when you possibly have a glass of wine with dinner, but they exaggerate and embellish the situation as if you NEEDED that wine or forget that you had 3 or 4 glasses when there is no truth to their exaggerations. Along the same lines, if you don’t get along with someone (and for valid reasons), the Narcissist will say, “I get along with him/her just fine.” The Narcissist will have nothing but praise for that person. Likewise, if you got really bad service at a restaurant, the Narcissist will say, “They gave me excellent service.” The Narcissist praises the other person or responds with the opposite because it reflects badly on you and well on them. Lastly, they will say that other friends or people have CONCERNS about you and have commented on various occasions as well. This is all what I call ‘managing down!’

8. Withholding. Basically, it is the Narcissist’s way of utilizing classical conditioning with their targets. Withholding covers an array of areas where the Narcissist can AND will withhold something to elicit a response to CONTROL the target/victim, both positively or negativity. Be it withholding the truth in any given statement or situation to cause confusion or deflect from reality or even withholding sex from the relationship to confound or confuse the target/victim. It is all done in a manner to CONTROL. In the game of abuse control is power and that is what the Narcissist NEEDS to be able to extract supply from us as well as stay in command of the situation (their ability to abuse to extort what they can.)

9. RAGING AND ACTING OUT! The Narcissists level of outrage, vindictiveness or emotional withdrawal is in direct proportion to how accurate you are OR you are starting to realize ‘ALL OF THE TRUTH’ about THEM and they know they are BUSTED. It is more like the Narcissist rises to the situation with more vivid attacks – raising the volume but never the logic. The Narcissist will either talk over YOU, or shout at you to wear you down with emotionally-charged statements and attacks over and over again until the Narcissist drowns out all reason or you pass out from the sheer exhaustion of it all. When all else fails PUNISHMENT and or the silent treatment until you submit and apologize for your “offense.” Perhaps they will slip out for a few days and arrange time with other supply and taunt you with that! That was a favorite of my Narcissist!

10. Narcissists process or filter out so much of their disordered life and actions through blaming and shaming. They blame us for everything that is wrong and then they never have to consider how they contributed to and caused the issues and their own unhappiness. They shift all the responsibility onto us so now WE look like the bad and crazy one in an effort to shame us into submission. After years of their manipulation, brain-washing and manipulation we actually begin to believe most if not everything is OUR fault. This is the psychological terrorism aspect of the abuse and it makes the target/victim feel unworthy!

11. The BIG BLAME THEORY. Narcissists are the eternal VICTIMS of the WORLD. When a Narcissist is called out for their bad behaviors and dishonesty (accountability), they will play the “woe-be-me” victim. They will plead their case of how THEY were unjustly wronged, as well as claim they’re being unfairly attacked for “standing up for the truth” and having the “courage” to speak out against THEIR abuse and saying we were the abusive one in this relationship. This and the smear campaign is how the Narcissist defends their indefensible behaviors with what I call the “BIG BLAME THEORY.” This allows them to avoid exposure and walk around unnoticed and unscathed to find the next target/victim to extort and abuse. You will find them preaching at their pulpit and telling whomever will listen just how they RAN from abuse, and how good they are and to learn through their experiences and “love is just around the corner”. Nonsense love is NEVER just around the corner after you have been abused – you just don’t walk away from the abuse to enter into another relationship because the destruction is extensive and at every level of your life.

12. Triangulation or Divide and Conquer. This is the process of isolating you from your friends and family. Narcissists accomplish this by putting themselves in the middle of YOUR relationships and making you out to be bad to a friend or family member – and then doing an about face and convincing you that the same family member or friend is gossiping about you behind YOUR back (divide and conquer.) Often, narcissists glibly sneak bad ideas about others into your head. They do this by chipping away at that person’s image subtly and relentlessly every time they mention him or her.

Narcissists are psychologically and emotionally abusive psycho bullies that extort normal and good people for “supply”. Supply is what they take (extort) from us that they can’t get from being whom and what they REALLY are so they shape shift into an amazing person and sneak their way into OUR lives AND hearts with their poisonous “love bombing”. They lack empathy so this PROHIBITS them from any reality as far as it concerns loving another human being or growing in a relationship OR bonding with ANY other person. There is no relationship with a Narcissist because they do not allow any person to express themselves or to be an individual while in their presence – instead they turn them into an OBJECT to use. They attach themselves to our lives to extract everything they need to function normally (as well as every other thing they can take) AND the very things they can’t possibly achieve on their own because of their disordered lives and true delusional self.

You, me, the next victim or anybody else means nothing more or nothing less than another object for the Narcissist to use. Narcissists objectify their targets/victims as well as psychologically terrorize them to gain complete control. Therefore, I use the strongest term for how they extract their supply – THEY EXTORT supply from their targets/victims and hate them in the process as well. This is abuse from day one when they “love bomb” or trick a target/victim into trusting and even loving them so they can take everything we have and then they will simply move onto their next source of supply to extort. They torture their targets/victims psychologically as well as make them feel as much pain, shame and blame as if in an effort to make us one of the “walking dead” like they are. This is a hideous abuse that causes long term emotional/psychological damage to people, families, organizations and all life in general. To coin an old phrase, “Just say No” – that is NO CONTACT and be free again! Greg

So what are the mechanisms going on behind that mask the Narcissist wears to cover up their darkness and to also feel empowered?

So what are the mechanisms going on behind that mask the Narcissist wears to cover up their darkness and to also feel empowered? They manipulate our emotions (charm us) and then diminish us (harm) to keep us confused and compliant OR under their control because there is NOTHING inside of them that could connect to other humans because there are NO internal mechanisms to do so.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

That ‘CHARM’ is the first thing to go and only used later as bait to keep us guessing, and hanging on. The ‘HARM’ is the dizzying brainwashing, manipulation, and projection the Narcissist uses to diminish us or constantly questioning OURSELVES as if we are the problem and trying to fix this desperate relationship or imprisoned in the cycle of their abuse UNTIL THEY ARE DONE WITH US.

A Narcissist will use ANYTHING to convince you that you are seriously damaged. Alternatively, a Narcissist will even use dime store psychology on you, or strong dogmatic religious beliefs, or a false consensus from friends, family, co-workers, etc. to justify their lies and inexcusable behaviors concerning you. For example, saying things like: “I pray for your healing daily” or “You have issues that you need to address with a therapist” or “My therapist agrees with me about your actions” or “So and so agrees with me and understood what I did because of the way YOU treated me.” “I think I am right and you are wrong.” These are nothing more than tactics for deflecting responsibility, conflating facts, and reinforcing them with ill placed and FALSE comments from other people that aren’t even involved. A Narcissist rarely, if ever, admits they are wrong unless it is to zap you with a thinly veiled insult weaved into a small acknowledgement of something or other. For example, “I am sorry for thinking you were a kind and generous person. I see that I was probably wrong about you.” A Narcissist rarely if ever takes responsibility for their hurtful actions. If you call them out on their bad behaviors, they claim it was your fault for pushing them into it (in other words, you deserved it) and you’re a bad person to make a good person like them (the Narcissist) act that way. You should be ashamed of yourself! I was continually blamed for my Narcissist’s horrid and raging temper with comments that I pushed the Narcissist to act this way. No, I was a great, caring and giving person. Everything I was accused of were only delusional and fake accusations of things I was supposedly doing that would come out of thin air to start an argumentative situation with toxic drama, silencing, and betrayal as my punishment – it was all part of managing me down or control.

The Narcissist uses a simple technique of manipulation to make and keep their target/victim compliant and that is WITHHOLDING. By not giving you what the Narcissist knows you want or desire from them (things that are normal to any relationship like simple reciprocity) they can make themselves feel powerful, important, and in total control. Here is a simple example of withholding: Think of two pups playing, one pup can be totally bored with their dog toy and about to put it down when he/she notices that the other pup wants it, then he/she plays “keep away” by keeping the toy to themselves or withholding it, even though they are bored with it or finished playing with it. That pup is exerting basic dominance through control and establishing itself as the ‘alpha dog’ or by withholding through knowing the other pup wants something they have. The Narcissist displays this negative behavior constantly throughout their relationship with you in very subtle to very overt ways. Over time this constant withholding establishes the Narcissist’s dominance over their target/victim. It is a process that has been preceded by their extreme attention and ‘love bombing’ to get you positively conditioned to trust and even love them, only to reposition us and start their abuse to extort every aspect of your life from you – especially YOUR individuality. Really with a Narcissist their behavior can be more aptly described as a three-year-old spoiled brat and not that of a fully-grown person.

Why do they do this? Because they want the whole world to revolve around them, to serve them, and SUPPLY all of their wants and needs, but anything you do WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH OR RIGHT! A Narcissist doesn’t give a ‘hoot’ about anything that concerns us, because it would embrace that we are an individual with needs, and the Narcissist sees individualism as abhorrent and against their every grain. It is “me, me, me and always ME” with a Narcissist. We are ONLY an object for them to use FREELY – and never think you are the ONLY object and special, because there are many other sources out there supplying them – that and we ALL have an expiration date with them! Knowledge is power, so we can break this cycle of abuse by blocking their attempts to manage us down into one of their objects. Stop allowing them to infiltrate your thoughts, with their toxic words and actions because NOTHING good will ever come out of ANY association with a Narcissist. Greg

Our stories about this abuse are so incredulous to anybody that hears them that more than often they may turn away instead of offering support.

Our stories about this abuse are so incredulous to anybody that hears them that more than often they may turn away instead of offering support. If a person has NEVER experienced this abuse they can NEVER understand what we have gone through for them to offer a perspective that will help.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

MOST PEOPLE have no knowledge or understanding of the emotional and psychological abuse or of a Narcissist as well as the effects of the trauma. It is akin to a prisoner of war being released back into captivity to assume life as usual when that is not even near a possibility or reality as it concerns being a prisoner of this abuse! If you do speak out about the abuse it seems more like you stand in judgment from most of the people nearest and dearest to you.

To the victim of this abuse, everything is one huge confusing blur. It is like someone has wrapped you up in layer upon layer of darkness, fear, angst, confusion, depression, anxiety, pain, sleeplessness and many things you have never experienced before. You feel like you are completely disabled. You are forgetful and just don’t seem to care. ALL OF THIS IS TRAUMA from being abused. You probably don’t sleep well and if you do you have nightmares. How do you fix this? How do you get them out of your mind? How do you move forward? Who do you turn to? People listen but they don’t see the severity of the situation! You are reaching out to a world that doesn’t understand how debilitating this abuse is because they don’t see a black and blue mark on your body or a broken arm so you become lost in all of this searching and wondering who you can turn to for HELP! You have been injured but the scars are on the inside where nobody can see them, so your abuse is INVISIBLE to everyone but yourself. So is it real or what the heck is going on. IT IS REAL – enough said!

Emotionally or psychologically abused people tend to be cast off or even judged harshly. The chronically abused person is shrouded with a cloud of helplessness, hopelessness and passivity from the entrapment of the abuse in their past. There seems to be no viable or safe place for them to secure acceptance or the help that they need. There is anxiety and depression that has surfaced, physical ailments and complaints, subdued anger, extreme frustration, isolation and loneliness from the people closest to them because of the extreme need to express themselves over and over again to get answers or the validation to understand this – so the target/victim is subject to more condemnation as well. We seem like we are crazy, but it is from the trauma and the vulnerability of being abused. You are reaching out for help but it seems like everyone is turning away.

This type of abuse has exposed you to horrible manipulation, betrayal, resounding fear and terror because of the coercive methods from the Narcissist as well as dehumanizing control. Most people just presume that THEY would show greater courage, strength, and resistance if THEY were the victim and in similar circumstances. They will just tell the target/victim to move on and allow time to heal the wounds. What does this message say or do to the target/victim? It makes them BELIEVE that they ARE the source of their own problems and again isolated and damaged just like the Narcissist said they were. Time alone does not heal these wounds! Unfortunately for the target/victim there is the tendency where people account for the target/victim’s behavior as flaws in THEIR personality as if they gave into or deserved the abuse because they did not leave the Narcissist. Nobody is listening or better yet HEARING the real truth of your situation because it sounds so incredulous so the pleas for help are lost with the misinterpretation of your situation. Once AGAIN, the target/victim is left with more isolation, damage, vulnerable AND alone to figure this out on their own. This is a very lonely and scary place to be!

It is not the target/victim JUST grieving the loss of love, it is the grieving of the dehumanization and subjugation from their perpetrator or the Narcissist. The target/victim bundles everything up and somehow even blames themselves as if they created everything they are feeling as well as deserve it. There may be biological children involved, financial ruin and character assassination waiting for the target/victim as well from the Narcissist’s smear campaign. This is probably the darkest time of the target/victim’s life having to deal with the total devaluation, discard, and devastation from someone that they BELIEVED loved them and cared for them! This is betrayal so hideous that a person that has never experienced this abuse could never even start to realize the damage that is done to a target/victim. Hideous

Psychology even has tendency to blame the victim because researchers/clinicians seem to seek an explanation for the perpetrator’s (Narcissist’s) crimes by trying to define this abuse through the (target/victims) supposed personality defects and missing the mark completely especially as it concerns the trauma from this abuse that needs immediate attention and clarity. This is abuse by a personality disordered individual and that is where the blame belongs and NOT on the victim.

When victims are entrapped by manipulative persuasion or brain-washing rather than physical abuse, it always seems that the target/victim is PREDISPOSED to ALLOWING themselves to be abused. THERE IS NO CONSISTENT PROFILE out there that supports any evidence that any target/victim is predisposed to enter exploitive and abusive relationships. There are reasons we may have gotten involved because of a temporary life crisis or recent loss, when we are feeling unhappy, alienated, or lonely, but it wasn’t because we were looking to be abused.

I do want to clarify one point that children that have been raised by Narcissistic parents have a propensity to end up in relationships with Narcissists but not because they want to but more because they have been raised in this type of negative environment and it is familiar to them – but it doesn’t mean that they look for it or are predisposed to seek out ABUSE – they are the product of it! That in itself is a crime or blaming the wrong person in the case of Narcissistic abuse. Children that are born into this abuse are true victims of this abuse and so undeserving of the losses they experience throughout their life. It seems to be forgotten that a Narcissist’s abuse is THEIR own disordered behavior PERIOD!

Loved ones, family and friends who have never experienced prolonged terror have no understanding of the coercive methods or control from a Narcissist, so they presume that they would show greater courage and resistance than the target/victim showed. This is a bad and harsh judgment that invalidates the reality of this abuse for the target/victim. This has unfortunately become a common tendency to account for the victim’s behavior by seeking flaws in their personality or character. This is NOT about a target/victim’s passivity or complicity. This is psychological terrorism but without a cage or prison walls around the victim that defines what was more like being a brain-washed prisoner of war. With this abuse victims are judged lovingly but harshly by the very people they need! Loving, healthy, normal and psychologically sound people can indeed be coerced, extorted, and abused in subliminal and dehumanizing ways by an abusive Narcissist and many victims are proof to that.

With emotional and psychological battering victims are entrapped by extreme manipulative and psychological persuasion over a lengthy period of time and that needs to be desensitized for them to move forward. What was the nature of our perpetrator when we met them? Did they have us at gunpoint forcing us into this psychological terrorism or did they offer us something so very familiar, normal, trustworthy and welcoming called LOVE? Yes, they did and if that doesn’t define a predator I don’t know what does! I have met very many wonderful friends from all over the world since I started writing about this abuse that I interact with daily. They are some of the strongest people I have ever encountered. There isn’t anything about them that shouts out to me that they allowed or wanted their abuse! They are full of love, empathy and high functioning individuals!

Well let’s go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let’s define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced and unhealthy and basically not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or they are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims. The key words that describes the whole cycle of abuse is love-bombing, devaluation, discard and I always add DESTROY! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled.

The journey to recovery is now a process because we were unconsciously living and dealing with all the destructive messages we internalized and validated as our reality. We must seek out education about this abuse and the truth about our situation as a key to unlock the door to our recovery. Yes those messages are going to be in our head for a good while BUT we have to create a healthy balance and desensitize them. What this means is that we have to move into a place where it is possible for us to recognize that a person HAS betrayed us in a manner to control us through mental abuse. We have to think about it in terms to validate the truth of the situation, but not to try to dissect the Narcissist and put our energy into trying to get into their heads. We spent a great deal of time trying to fix or basically heal them and we gave away too much of ourselves. Turn this around and accept the truth that they are completely disordered and put that healing power back into yourself.

The recovery process is so multi-dimensional that it means that there are really no simple answers to the question “how do I stop the pain and what do I do to move forward with my recovery?” There are answers that we need to have in the beginning of our recovery but they are basically concerning the educational process and a tried and true direction so we are ‘in the know’ about this disorder and can get our ‘ah ha’ moment or the truth that this is ABUSE then moving forward from there and looking deep inside to heal the many levels of this extreme betrayal as well as the damage to our mental well-being. Recovery is a process that requires grieving the love, the loss of much of our life, the acceptance of the truth that is so foreign to us, and then a reprocessing or a rebirthing to enter the world once more with our trust in tact after this horrible attack on our life. That can be accomplished by setting up strong boundaries that now include the knowledge that there are people out there that are so disordered that they will intentionally walk into our lives and create this type of horrendous damage that can destroy our life from such a disordered person that will lie with such veracity just to control another person so they can extort what they can.

Once you have experienced this type of abuse you will know the signs of this abuse and NEVER allow yourself to ever maintain any type of relationship with a toxic person again. This abuse traumatizes the victim and that trauma will lock a victim up and keep them from trusting the world and that is a huge part of recovery or desensitizing this trauma. You can and will recover from this abuse because you are resilient. You are that strong and amazing but in the process of healing there will be pain and vulnerability from this horrendous loss but you recover from this day by day. Define each of those days NOT by the pain but by the strength that you have made it to another day and one day closer to recovery. NEVER turn back to look at the Narcissist for answers or make them a constant part of your recovery – put the energy ONLY into yourself and not reliving and victimizing yourself by reprocessing the abuse over and over again. No/Minimal contact is the ONLY path to a real recovery! Greg

There is absolutely NO reasoning with them because there is no reality or context with a Narcissist – only their reactions to constantly manipulate, control, and malign their target/victim.

There is absolutely NO reasoning with them because there is no reality or context with a Narcissist – only their reactions to constantly manipulate, control, and malign their target/victim.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Narcissists view the world as their playground to take what they want and never give back. They view or better yet PORTRAY themselves as omnipotent, moralistic, honorable, superior, religious as well as many other things that they brand onto their worldly resume – none of which have any real connection to who and what they are or abusive and destructive opportunists and even predators that will attack people viciously if you go against ANYTHING they say or do..

A Narcissist never looks inward in a manner to see that they have a personality disorder, or that their world is built on lies and appearances – that is merely a clinical definition for us to sort of understand them. Furthermore, they never admit to being wrong, doing anything wrong, or having wronged or destroying the many lives that they do. However, the Narcissists HAS wronged others, be it cheating, lying, manipulation, hurting them emotionally or physically, BUT a Narcissist manages to project blame on and into the targets/victims and everyone around them. They also have their minions and a new supply to support them or filter their lies through, as well as hide behind to avoid exposure.

In fact, the Narcissist will view him/herself as superior or above the rest of humanity. Narcissists do not see themselves as the pathological and destructive person that lives their entire life like a parasite using and taking advantage of others, objectifying people and then moving on once they have been emotionally drained and damaged a person. Nor does the Narcissist see how flimsy their thin veneer of lies, and false credentials are. No instead the Narcissist will project their false image and describe themselves as a hero of sorts or even a saint as far as it concerns humanity and their role here on earth! Well this is part of their disordered and damaged self that enables the Narcissist to live in complete denial of the damage they inflict onto people’s lives. There are no written laws, rules or regulations that a Narcissist will follow. They are in COMPLETE denial of their false lives! They have absolutely no notion or care as it concerns right and wrong or truth and lies. NO/MINIMAL contact! Greg

What it feels like to be ABUSED by a personality disordered Narcissist! Information to share with people that just don’t get it. .

What it feels like to be ABUSED by a personality disordered Narcissist! Information to share with people that just don’t get it. .

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

MOST PEOPLE have no knowledge or understanding of psychological abuse, or of a Narcissist as well as the effects of the trauma related to both. It is akin to a traumatized prisoner of war being released FROM captivity and straight into life as usual when that is not even near a possibility or reality for the prisoner OR the target/victim of a Narcissist that needs serious help to return to the normal life they once lived. It seems more like the target/victim stands in judgment from most of the people nearest and dearest to them because they just do NOT understand the distress of this abuse they experienced for so many years.

All of this keeps you running in a circle and you are jumping from one confusing distortion to another and never accomplishing anything but adding more to your own grief. It is exhausting, and it feels like there is no way out. You even feel fearful of life in general and lacking a general consciousness of the reality around you because of the trauma. There doesn’t seem to be any relief and you almost feel like you are completely losing it and headed straight toward a mental breakdown. It is just TOO OVERWHELMING. This is why you have to move on and away from these thoughts and that Narcissist completely. It is survival and getting life back to normal – but you feel so alone and isolated.

Emotionally or psychologically abused people tend to be cast off or even judged harshly. The chronically abused person is shrouded with a cloud of helplessness, hopelessness and passivity from the entrapment of the abuse in their past. There seems to be no viable place for them to secure acceptance or the help that they need. There is anxiety and depression that has surfaced, physical ailments and complaints, subdued anger, extreme frustration, isolation and loneliness from the people closest to them because of the extreme need to express ourselves over and over again so the target/victim is subject to more condemnation as well as adding to the layers of the abuse that are already there. We seem like we are crazy, but it is the trauma and the vulnerability of being abused. You are reaching out for help, but it seems like everyone is turning away.

When we actualize the situation it isn’t just grieving the emotional connection that we felt for this person, but a new reality that they were there and actually extorting our love and trying to disable us to keep us in their dark agenda or as a source of supply. The real truth about them now becomes a huge influence on our thoughts and feelings and it confounds the situation even more as far as clarity. It is clinically called ‘cognitive dissonance’ where we have two conflicting realities. We believed we were in love, but we also know that it wasn’t real love but instead a huge betrayal of our love from an abusive person. Not easy to have to believe the truth because they are so far apart and polar opposites. Nor is it us ignoring the facts that this abuse was staring us in the face. Sure we were aware that there were problems because this Narcissist was acting out in cruel ways that we personally understand from our experiences, but we were trying to be real WHERE THERE WAS NO REAL. We were being manipulated in the cruelest way by someone (a Narcissist) that was monopolizing on their deceptive ability to manipulate and manage down our healthy thoughts. This is subjugation of a human being pure and simple or denying the human rights we all deserve. This is our new reality and we have to explore this so that we can actualize the truth.

Knowledge is power that gives us clarity to start moving forward, as well as a strong support system from other victims and survivors – this is where we start on our road to recovery – well that and no or minimal contact! Greg

Narcissists objectify or use all people to get whatever they want. There is NO bonding, empathy, love, care or a relationship with a narcissist.

Narcissists objectify or use all people to get whatever they want. There is NO bonding, empathy, love, care or a relationship with a narcissist. Their only objective is to use people in every possible manner to meet their needs – be it in a personal relationship, physical relationship, friendship, work relationship, etc.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

In the overall design of things, misfortune to others does not matter to the Narcissist when they have objectified a human being to obtain their drug of choice or “supply.” It is solely based on what this person has to offer, or what can be taken from this person, and this must resonate in the Narcissist’s grand scheme of things. The Narcissist is convinced of their uniqueness (omnipotence) and basically we are there to serve their needs – they are delusional in this manner. There are no rules or written laws that the Narcissist will comply with when it comes to how they treat other people.

There are no human rights involved either, basically we are there for their use and they completely exploit everything they can from us mentally and physically. They feel no remorse in their acts of deviance to secure supply in the least bit. Lies, betrayal, manipulation, etc., are only tools to extract what they need before they move on to the next and the next and the next. They have perfected and honed these tools to work to their utmost advantage to meet their needs in EVERY situation.

In the Narcissists grand scheme of things there is never a relationship with any one person as it concerns love, growth, goals, dreams, togetherness, and equal rights where any person ever has a separate identity OR meaning to the Narcissist – EVERYONE IS JUST AN OBJECT. Everything and everyone is just an opportunity for extorting supply. Everyone is a “people object” in their world and our connection is nothing more or nothing less than the next person that is trapped into the Narcissist’s dance. No/minimal contact. Greg

Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises.

It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism to) HAVEN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who don’t have a personal connection or primary role in their life to see reality of who and what they REALLY are. Once you get emotionally close to a Narcissist, THEN AND ONLY THEN do you get to see them drop their carefully crafted and charming mask that hides the out-of-control and abusive creature hiding behind it AND that is after they have TOTALLY fooled and conned you into their world.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

A Narcissist is so seductive that he/she makes you believe in him/her with your whole heart, mind and soul. Unfortunately for all who tread on this emotional rollercoaster with a Narcissist they don’t realize just how dangerous this connection with them is – HOW would we because in the beginning it is rewarding.

The charm a Narcissist utilizes creates an oblivious feeling of being connected or very attracted to most everything about them. We can become fascinated with someone because of their physical beauty BUT a charming and captivating Narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks can definitely increase the magnetic pull towards the Narcissist, but that is not at the core of this abuse, it is the manufactured charm that is a psychologically and deceptive tool used to manipulate, condition, manage you down and control you.

They charm people to death (figuratively) and this is what literally attracts us to them. But with a Narcissist it is a magnetism that makes you feel a sort of hypnotizing attraction that manifests itself in your psyche and your soul! In reality you are being charmed by their power of REFLECTING back everything that is YOU creating this intoxicating and deep-rooted bond. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you’ve known them a long time, soul mates, or you feel very safe with them – perhaps you have known them in a prior life or whatever fantasy belief that Narcissist has instilled in your mind.

This is the Narcissists goal and they are the biggest con artists that exist, and they mean to extort everything they can from you. They have unlocked the door to your head and they are planning on using that entry to their advantage. They will move right in manipulate and manage down most everything that is your reality as you KNEW it. A skilled and extreme Narcissist knows just how to reflect your image right back onto you so that you feel like you are almost twins. What’s not to like and trust when you have EVERYTHING in common?

A Narcissist creatively figures out some unique and impressive angle quickly, and one that few people would ever engage in. Basically, they are manipulating your emotions to gain entry into your heart and mind. Narcissists can typically manipulate most people with their extreme CHARM. They are always ten steps ahead of you, so much so that it is uncanny. They are very QUICK with these unique approaches and “BAM” they have swept you off of your feet and keep you there to get something YOU have that THEY want. What else is there to do but bask in the glow of this unique relationship! You are undeniably intrigued by everything about them. When your relationship sours because the ugly truth rears itself with a Narcissist, you better duck for cover and be ready for a whole lot of damage control. ALSO, they have their minions or support team on the outside world that will take up their cause WHEN they start to destroy your integrity. CHARM is their tool to create their entourage and protectors. Their whole world is fake and they construct each and every component of it to effectively protect themselves.

Again, they are ten steps ahead of you and have already thought through how you will react and are ready to discredit, disable, and destroy you. You can trust that they are determined to humiliate and obliterate you to avoid exposure of the truth that they are abusive predators. More than likely they have already started another relationship well before they ended the relationship with you. It is always about a constant source of new supply and they will keep up this abusive cycle all throughout their lives. NO/Minimal Contact! Knowledge is your power to getting to recovery. Greg

Narcissists intentionally promote feelings of anxiety and despair in their targets/victims by making impervious threats and using intimidation, bullying, and lies.

Narcissists intentionally promote feelings of anxiety and despair in their targets/victims by making impervious threats and using intimidation, bullying, and lies. This encourages the victim to submit to the unreasonable demands or pathological bullying by the Narcissist.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist

Has anyone else experienced this? Personally I experienced this many times over. Usually when I would catch my Narcissist in one of MANY lies, or even just ‘out of the blue’ as a control tactic to ruin a day, etc. There would even be times my Narcissist would do this to create an argument to get away and have some ‘free time’ to secure some supply on the side. I remember that look with their eyes wide open, nostrils flaring, red face and the bellowing directed at me. This WAS always done in private where nobody could see the true nature of this Narcissist.

Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts are used to keep the target/victim unsettled and anxious. This behavior leaves the target/victim feeling like they are always on edge and a slave to the Narcissist’s many moods. Targets/victims are always waiting for the other shoe to drop and can never know what is expected. Targets/victims remain hypersensitive or hyper vigilant, waiting for the Narcissist’s next rage, mood change or attack! Living like this is extremely confusing, demanding, disabling, and anxiety provoking, causing the target/victim to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance. These are the distorted messages that find a home in our heart, mind, and reality.

You are left with so many conflicting messages that keep you trapped in extreme emotional confusion because this is what the Narcissist wants. By doing this the Narcissist uses us like a yo-yo on a string, constantly forcing us down and then pulling us back up again – perpetual, disordered and dizzying motion to control us and keep us off balance. You don’t have time to clearly think or see the forest for the trees. This is a person that initially proclaimed a real connection, be it friendship, a family connection, or even love for us that we invested in AND believed was real. Suddenly that image turns completely around and what was a connection we believed in is now contempt through subtle BUT direct attacks on our integrity, arguments, silencing, isolation, to erode our well-being through control. From there the Narcissist escalates these attacks and they turn into rage and punishment to take us completely down and finish the job or the devaluation phase AND then the smear campaign to destroy our integrity. The ONLY way to end this abuse is through no/minimal contact. Greg

We NEVER mattered to the Narcissist!

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth – we never mattered to the Narcissist! A little heart to heart conversation we need to have with ourselves for clarity.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

One of the MOST DIFFICULT concepts with this abuse is the realization that you didn’t matter in the least bit to your Narcissist! There is only one person that really matters to the Narcissist and that is himself or herself! You were only one of the many stepping stones in their life or OBJECTS to extort supply from or take whatever you had that they wanted or needed. They objectify ALL human beings and basically harvest what they can from them. You never mattered when they were with you, it was totally about THEIR needs and controlling you to be a constant source of supply. Within this concept comes the many tools in their arsenal of abuse that they used to keep you under their control so they could achieve supply (basically all of their lies that flowed so easily, their lack of accountability, the betrayal, manipulation, etc.) They are predators that seek out prey. It is so hard to conceptualize this truth in a manner to completely separate ourselves emotionally and physically from this person – BUT WE MUST!

We believed and went along with the Narcissist’s charming agenda because we really had NO sense of the reality of the basic truth that they were never there for us exclusively because they conned us into believing they were. Basically, Narcissist’s are pathological TAKERS. Our life lessons never included learning that loving another person should come along with a ‘WARNING’ that there are dark people (abusers/predators) out there looking for someone to drag into a trap by wearing love as a camouflage to gain our trust and then extort our emotions and everything that encompasses our reality to the point of destruction.

The truth is a Narcissist could easily be defined as being a thief of hearts, mind, soul, and life. Trust me they are much more than JUST a thief but it encapsulates the truth behind their actions and agendas. They extort things from people and life just like a con artist does. They portray or pretend to be something they are not even remotely like, and then cash in on their manipulative agenda to TAKE everything they can and abuse you as well. My point is that a thief will break into your home and steal everything they can and they are off and running, and you are left with the loss and devastation of their invasion. A Narcissist would go a step further and burn your house down while you were still in it to make sure there is absolutely NO evidence that would link them to it. Everything with a Narcissists is a conscious act that is there to serve THEM! We HAVE to understand this so we can move totally away from their psychopathy and forgive ourselves for only being a normal and loving person because that is ALL we are guilty of!

Take a moment and look at yourself after your abuse and then compare that to when you started out on this hideous journey with them. If you would seriously take inventory you would see so many levels of loss, to the point that this Narcissist has basically disabled you emotionally and PSYCHOLOGICALLY and this was part of their agenda or dismantling your reality so they could CONTROL you. Write everything down in a journal and make the comparison and spell it out so that you can see it right there in front of you. Whatever you attempted to do in a positive manner because you BELIEVED in them was snatched up by the Narcissist and then they beat you down and made what you did wrong AND you only tried harder because there was no sense in their actions but somehow you believed that you did something wrong that needed fixed.

This became a deceptive and debilitating dance with them, part of their plan to manage you down more and more so you felt that you HAD to keep giving and they just kept taking what they could or reaping all the benefits and never caring about the harm they were causing to you and your life. They are the disordered and defective person in this scenario and again YOU are the normal person with empathy and love and YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! These are not just jerks or users, these are destructive and disordered individuals that enjoy the chaos and harm they deliver as they extort your life away from you. That Narcissist (just like the thief) has pillaged and taken everything they could, or all you had to give and then basically abandoned you for more and different supply! They NEVER identified themselves as the abusers they are so they had to con you into believing they LOVED you to get you under their spell to do all of this! They are not powerful, they are not intelligent, they are not normal – they are sadistic!

You can’t engage in a real conversation with them that has the truth (about them OR anything) as the basis concerning their reality or accountability in any given situations. A Narcissist doesn’t have a conscience or anything even near to it, so you can’t expect to have any sense of normality surrounding ANY conversation or connection with them, yet alone the possibility you could make them understand the very truth about any of their disordered actions and lies. There is NO sense of remorse or any guilt associated with any of their actions and THERE NEVER HAS BEEN because what they do to ALL people is really the functioning mechanics of who and what they really are! So what I can say is that you can’t enter into any arena that involves TRYING to get them to be real OR accept accountability for what they are because they turn it right around, ‘lie and deny,’ ‘blame and shame,’ and then return with a horrible rage and revenge directed at YOUR integrity. This became a day to day occurrence with me just trying to exist as an individual. I couldn’t even breathe right without some sort of rage that was so out-of-control that it became scary. So a good reminder to anyone dealing with a Narcissist is that there is NO possible way that you can make them understand or accept responsibility concerning their dehumanization of people – especially when it concerns you. What you see now (with their mask off) is what you get or an abusive Narcissist.

Unfortunately, as I have said many times before, hindsight is 20/20. When you are still in the fog about all of the deceit you are at a loss because you can’t see or understand the overall picture of this abuse and just how damaging they are until AFTER they have moved on. Unfortunately, after the discard you are still under so many levels of this abuse so it is amazing that you can even see the light of day, yet alone realize what you need to do to get away from them without all of the damage they cause. But what I can say is that ‘no contact’ will save you from a great deal of grief and help you get to more clarity as it concerns your situation so you can move forward to recovery – but it requires time so that clarity comes back to you!

No contact literally saves your life and enables you to move onto clarity (and the truth) as far as it concerns your emotions AND their abusive manner that was meant to destroy you. No contact literally stops the chaos to give you the ability to think and relate to life in a normal manner or better yet start to get your normal back. No contact is not meant to be a simple phrase as if someone is telling you to “just move on,” it is a reality meant to stop the insanity or you will end up completely debilitated and destroyed. My unfortunate response to those that have to stay in contact is that any minimum contact is your only hope. If you have biological children or they are family, you HAVE to disengage from ANY emotional connection with them. In other words, you have to put up a wall that only allows you to establish parameters around important matters, and shut off anything else. Easier said than done because the Narcissist means business when it comes to getting back at you especially if they suspect that you are on to them. Mine kept up the abuse for 8 months after all was said and done and it only ended when I enforced the no contact rule and THAT is what allowed me to get to my recovery.

My next suggestion is to try your hardest to seek support from a very select group of friends and loved ones that YOU CAN ultimately trust. Unfortunately, we are ‘damned if we do or damned if we don’t’ respond to the many negative allegations that this Narcissist has waged against us and that can also be some of those closet people in our lives. The Narcissist will distort everything using familiarity (from knowing our innermost secrets) with vicious lies about you to protect themselves from exposure and instill fear into us. Once a Narcissist sees that you have caught onto them they will focus on destroying you and even creating horrendous lies that put you in a very precarious position. They will stop at nothing to prove that you are the source of the collapse of this relationship, a liar, loser, abusive, the person having affairs, etc., and basically the person who deserves all the blame. They can and will slander your good name and integrity. Along the same lines trying to explain your side of the story to people will make you seem crazy because our stories are incredulous! You will only feel invalidated and frustrated trying to tell the truth over and over again and hearing those dismissing comments to just move on because time heals all! You need tried and true friends to accomplish a secure and trusted support network and don’t worry about the rest of the naysayers that don’t believe you because they are not true friends and more than likely minions for the Narcissist. Your best bet is to find and connect with other survivors, a therapist that understands this abuse THROUGH a target/victim’s eyes, and group therapy if one exists in your area. Invest in yourself to get the help that is out there so you CAN and WILL move on and away from them forever!

When this abuse reaches the point that you have been abandoned or ‘you’ have left this Narcissist the truth will be very disabling and will tear at the very core of your spirit or being. Again, add to this that the Narcissist is well aware that you may retaliate, so he/she has been planning their departure many months prior to it happening and they have been doing that damage control by secretly devaluing you to most anyone that will listen! You are overloaded with emotions, and all of the lies that were spread about you by the Narcissist and it is too overwhelming and DEBILITATING! EVENTUALLY the truth will always come out, but you can’t force awareness of that truth until it happens and people will see the true pattern AND then it will work against the Narcissist. Liars have to have great memories to keep their lies straight and Narcissists always operate in a hit and run manner and get caught up in their distorted stories and they can never keep all of their lies straight – mine most certainly couldn’t! I wish I could say that you can speak openly with the truth as you know it and that will fix all of this immediately, BUT it doesn’t work that way. You have to concentrate on your recovery first and let the rest fall in place – YOU ARE FIRST in this equation so please remember this as you start out. Once you are healthy you can speak with the very truth of your abuse in mind where it is necessary.

Because Narcissists do not come with a label that exposes what they are and their agenda, you are more than likely just coming to terms with all of this recently. Our emotions are powerful and even though we have been abused we have to reconcile our very own emotions to fall out of love with them. This is where the educational aspect of learning about this personality disorder is imperative to moving forward. Closure comes from learning the truth through educating yourself about this disorder. With me I stumbled upon the information and the pieces seemed to fit together like a puzzle. From there I also stumbled upon different healing sites that offered viable AND valuable information that gave me the big ‘ah ha’ moment that what I experienced was actually abuse from a malignant Narcissist. I went through the paces of doubting myself and kept in contact with this Narcissist for 8 months after the fact. Mind you I didn’t initiate all of this contact. This Narcissist was luring me into post abuse, trying to set me up and into their big smear campaign, using any and every conversation to gain information and use against me. This shrewd creature was manipulating my words to meet certain criteria and an agenda that would make me out as being obsessed and scorned – I was NEITHER because I was repulsed and moving on.

Just remember what they are and that they ARE dangerous! Always take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. They are running from their reality every day of their life, so never believe that they are better off. They are abusers and they destroy people and families and they will never know real love for all of eternity. Just think back to your time with them and their unyielding deception, lies, manipulation, betrayal and extorting everything they could from your life. You were never the reason the Narcissist acted like he/she did. You were a target of their abuse and so will ANYBODY else that ever has any sort of relationship with them. You were the healthy person that knows and understands what love is. You were the person that cared, believed and tried to grow with this person in a healthy manner. So again, never look back because they will only drag you into their dark world and abuse you even more. There is absolutely nothing you could possibly do to ever change them.

Today I see the truth so clearly and write about it with the hopes to arm other targets/victims with the education and knowledge so that they don’t stumble and fall backwards as I did so many times. Please no/minimal contact to start on your journey to get away from this abuse. Greg

What a Narcissist does to their target/victim.

What a Narcissist does to their target/victim. It is called emotional and psychological abuse, BUT it would be more realistic to call it emotional/psychological terrorism because it can literally destroy a person, whole families, organizations, or ANYBODY that has any association with a Narcissist.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Do you feel so much confusion around your life like you are in a fog and not functioning normally and have lost control? Are there so many layers of negativity surrounding this relationship from arguing, lies, manipulation, betrayal, debasing, dehumanizing and a sense of hopelessness? Does it feel that reality as it concerns this person you care about or even love is thrown out the door? Who are they? You don’t even have a range or perspective about them personally, but instead a conflicting reality that disables you instead. Life seems to be full of anxiety as you suppress so many things because you are just not allowed to be an individual by any means. You are feeling controlled as if this person exerts power over you to keep you that way. You are constantly threatened as far as your place in the relationship – one wrong move and they are going to leave you. You never do anything right!

They compound the entire connection/relationship with a definition of you that includes so many negative issues, mental illnesses; you are more or less described as a derelict in their eyes. They have never encountered someone like you in their lives You are made fun of, accused of issues around your morality, you hear things that you have supposedly done that are OUTRAGEOUS lies. You find yourself constantly confronted by a raging maniac that bellows out how horrible you are constantly. You are blamed and shamed for things you have never done but you believe with all your heart and soul that these things have been done TO YOU INSTEAD!

Then one day you are abandoned and NOW you find yourself labeled by all of these things and suddenly your integrity has been dismantled all around you in a manner that destroyed many areas of your life. You have been smeared to all of your friends, co-workers, and family – in essence you have spent your days with this person being set up as a hideous and destructive failure and now it has come to fruition and this person has ruined your reputation to the very people you care about and love! Now your losses are many and you are just too vulnerable to function because of this!

In a nutshell this is a sampling of what these abusers do to good people. Knowledge is power to understand that this was/is abuse and imperative to moving forward to recovery, healing, and a healthy lifestyle. OUR voices are also VERY important to speak out about the devastating truth surrounding this abuse. No/minimal contact to BREAK the cycle of abuse. Greg

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