The Narcissist uses many malicious forms of psychological abuse that are manipulative and meant to control the target/victim. I want to talk in depth about one far reaching method; “gas-lighting” because it is one of the more damaging tools that debases the target/victim and encompasses so many levels of this abuse. It will also outline the Narcissists technique and how they adapt their technique to us personally.
Have you ever heard these words before from your Narcissist? “Did you forget when you didn’t get things right the last time!” OR, “You thought the same thing the last time and you were wrong, DON’T YOU REMEMBER?” The target/ victim did remember things correctly, but the Narcissist is so very adept at confusing and confounding their target/victim by consistently BUT slowly, and methodically “countering” every real thought. This throws the victim off the subject matter and getting them to instead mull over their memory confusion or mental acuity. DIVERSION!
Ah Ha – this is where the real struggle within starts for the target/victim, but it is ever so slow and insidiously done. If the target/victim hasn’t already started questioning their own thought processes (sanity) or confusion they will in time. When you are constantly told that your memory, thoughts, experiences, feelings and instinct is emphatically wrong, chances are, you will eventually start to believe the Narcissist. Remember the Narcissist spent a great deal of time to “charm” you and gain your adoration, love and TRUST. When we trust someone, we BELIEVE that they have our best interest at heart. Unfortunately, we never realized that we were charmed to be harmed because the Narcissist’s agenda ALWAYS includes maligning and damaging ALL people. Knowledge is power because it lights up the truth that leads us to freedom form this abuse and allows us to find ourselves once again.
Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist
So where did the love go? There never was love ‘to go’ anywhere because there wasn’t a real person there with us that had a will or a capacity to love!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
So where did that ‘love’ go? Until the fact sinks in that the Narcissist’s time with you/us or anybody else is NEVER a ‘relationship’ but instead more of a pathological parasite feeding off of you/us, you just won’t “get” that you are really dealing with a personality disordered Narcissist. You will keep acting on the premise that the Narcissist has some feelings ‘JUST’ for you, or some sort of conscience, morals, ‘cares for’ or even loves you – and that premise couldn’t be further from the truth. It NEVER makes sense to you, so you keep blaming yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to do as if everything is your fault. You are always wondering whether it is you, OR it is YOU that has temporarily lost your ability to relate NORMALLY in your relationship, or better yet you are crazy like your Narcissist is telling you. NO, no, no, no, no, no – it is the Narcissist that is crazy or clinically has the ‘personality disorder’. Well it is classified as a personality disorder but still in all it is CRAZY behavior or better yet dehumanizing, demeaning, debasing, and destructive behavior to make you think YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. Control is power to an abuser so whether you are attacked physically with a fist or attacked mentally with hideous, destructive and manipulating words, it is abuse from a disordered person, one that is not a fully functioning human being that lacks total empathy and love for their fellow man/womankind. You don’t intentionally CONTROL, harm, hurt, or destroy any creature on this planet for ANY REASON and these creatures do it every waking moment of their lives.
Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there.
Attacking your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your “buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.” It is control pure and simple!
The Narcissist can and will even go so far as always threatening “your basic security” with them which could include ending the relationship if you do not conform, dating other people, affairs, silencing or use other controlling fear tactics. They are trying to drive the point home that this is all YOU as in having the real problem and YOU NEED TO CHANGE – but there is nothing you can do to please them.
They are very unpredictable with their day to day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts or even rage. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable or normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos and gas-lighting) and always feeling you have to explain yourself.
This behavior is damaging, and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused and controlled ALWAYS waiting for the next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO ACT so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you once were or the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their control and abuse.
They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain the MOST CONTROL they can over you. Be it making fun of you, belittling you, criticizing you, name calling, screaming at you, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making you the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you and make you solely dependent on them. They have to have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.
Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you. In turn you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them be it love, friendship, co-worker, family, etc. Somewhere you have gotten totally LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must be or else you are wrong and every interaction with them will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give it’s never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all of this person’s needs and AGAIN you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.
Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche, self-worth, emotional stability, and anxiety provoking causing you to constantly feel confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and as well as making you believe you are losing your mental capacity or you have many issues that need fixed and all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. This is dehumanization, sadistic, and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!
A Narcissist doesn’t acknowledge individuality or even like other people (remember we are just objects to use.) Along with this premise the Narcissist doesn’t care about being liked – THEY DEMAND to be admired, feared, and favored, (as well as completely extorting their targets to get supply.) They don’t care about getting along with people, and a Narcissist is no more capable of considering the consequences of their actions than a rock would. There is no consideration for anybody or anything with a Narcissist and nothing is ever about what they manipulate you into believing instead it is always all about their omnipotence, superiority or ego instead or their fake façade. They HAVE to exploit EVERY single interaction with us to gratify THEIR needy ego at your ego’s expense or even DESTRUCTION. There’s no end to it. It’s exasperating, and you never get through that brick wall a Narcissist throws up in front of you constantly, so always remember how much time you have tried to break down barriers to “fix” things. Everything would just bounce back to you as more blame and shame from the Narcissist. It was a relationship that was meant to deny you every bit of gratification and instead the Narcissist was always ‘taking’ every bit of gratification (supply) they could for their vast needy void.
This is the reality with a Malignant Narcissist be it a wife, husband, partner, brother, sister, friend, mother, father or whomever. There is and never was ANY type of a real relationship, just time lost with a disordered, destructive, and abusive person and great loss. There is no closure to this abuse because there is no real person, so we only have the sad truth to embrace to start us out on a realistic path of recovery AND yes heal and join life again. An interaction with a Narcissist is ALWAYS damaging and destructive to people – that is why we are all here sharing to educate and help resolve these issues with all targets.
A little personal example to shed a little more light on how they reach into every aspect of your life to manage you down completely. A while back I was talking to a friend that knew my Narcissist. My friend was curious about the abuse and my best answer to my friend was that what this Narcissist had done to me was just too incredulous and hideous and I just couldn’t explain it in terms that didn’t make me out to sound like I was crazy or making this up. My friend replied, I understand because your Narcissist came over to our house out of the blue putting you down and making you out to be a monster. My friend knew better because we were good friends for many years prior to this. People just don’t drop over out of the blue to backstab the person that they are in a relationship with. But a Narcissist’s world is so convoluted that this is common practice for them with their preemptive attacks to back-stab the good and loving people in their life to destroy their integrity. Why? Because they ENVY and hate that we have a real spirit that loves life and people AND people and life LOVE US BACK, so they have to triangulate or divide and conquer to spread the poison and destruction to bring us to their darkness.
No Contact – shut these monsters and their vermin minions out of your life so you can live again because there is no reality living with them only destruction! Water always finds its level – and these creatures do meet up with their karma just by the process of intentionally hurting so many people (and family) and everybody just avoids them completely. You may not always see it like a huge lit up billboard that says, “this Narcissist met their karma,” but look under a few rocks and you will find them there alone and in the darkness that they only created for themselves! No/minimum contact because you are an amazing person that deserves your good life back! Greg
That shrewd Narcissist destroys the victim’s credibility in advance. They are by far NOT geniuses, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you want to get away with a crime like abusing someone, you first launch an effective pre-emptive attack on their character FIRST, so that nobody will believe the REAL target/victim when the truth finally starts emerging that they (target/victim) was the abused party. Here is the formula for the Narcissist to be successful at this – abuse and then accuse your target/victim of the very atrocity the Narcissist has committed as well as distort personal situations, and BOOM you are on top of your game to escape the exposure. They have been backstabbing/smearing us behind our backs from the very first day that we met them – but we were very distracted by the ‘love bombing’ and growing trust with this creature, OR just us being a normal and empathic human being. Meanwhile that dark Narcissistic creature was just plugging us into their cycle of abuse and building up their minions, flying monkeys or Narcissistic support soldiers.
So unfortunately people believe the abuser first, because they use their charm to gain sympathy and THEY are there first to set the stage before we have any sense of what they are doing to our integrity. The more preposterous the Narcissist’s accusations, the more firmly people believe them because AGAIN they got there first spreading their poisonous lies. It is like when a child comes forward with accusations of abuse, people are going to (or basically have to) believe the child to get to the truth about the allegations. Any and all preposterous accusations will always yield strong attention to the subject matter because you just can’t walk away from such a dangerous and damaging situation without offering support because it would seem if the person listening didn’t care or lacked the empathy to help the lying Narcissist out. By the time we stumble onto the smear campaign we are damned if we do or damned if we don’t respond.
NOW the basic facts of life as it concerns those people that just love to put themselves in the middle to judge others, or the Narcissist’s best friends and supporters or MINIONS – they are abusers too. BUT the bigger lesson of “damned if we do or damned if we don’t” is the culprit here too! Everybody knows that when somebody defends themselves from accusations with accusations, the majority will always believe the one who accused first and then views the real ‘defendant’ as guilty, the scorned one and retaliating as if the target/victim were caught in OR did the outrageous things that the Narcissist has alleged. This is irrational, because the initial accuser (the Narcissist) is the attacker and there is no more reason to believe one party over the other, but people do! Lastly if we don’t make an attempt to stand up or defend our integrity we are guilty by the design of the disordered Narcissist’s smear campaign. No win situation for the target or victim, especially when they are already vulnerable by the ABUSE and basically a shell of a person.
Remember that like everything else – the smear campaign is just MORE lies from this abuser and they want you to engage so they can continue to spread their rhetoric and attack by your involvement. Yes, it is damaging to our integrity, but they have been damaging us at so many levels that we have to turn our energies back onto ourselves and get our power back. Those that really love you/us and know you/us will never believe the outrageous lies, AND those that do believe the lies without allowing you/us to defend ourselves are toxic and abusive too – they are NOT worth one second of our time or energy.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
Narcissists use a vast arsenal of tools to debase, dehumanize and eventually destroy a person’s self-esteem, and overall spirit – this is psychological abuse pure and simple and they are ABUSERS. We have all heard this many times over, and it is a fact that these words are 100% true – BUT beyond this truth is the reality that there are many targets/victims that have to deal with the destruction caused by a malignant Narcissist. These targets/victims are not just wives, husbands, partners, but also biological children, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers and any other human being in every walk of life!
A Narcissist will employ cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse and shrewd manipulative linguistic or language patterns to CONTROL people around them and force them to question their own sanity and reality. Narcissists will also smear their target/victim’s good nature/name behind their back destroying their integrity to others (friends, family, co-workers) so that THEY will also start questioning the sanity of the target/victim. It is like a game of “power and control” through the use of these various methods so that the Narcissist’s is always in charge of their immediate environment and controlling every aspect of it with lies, false appearances, triangulation, coning people, etc. Narcissists have everybody around them fooled by their charm that hides their true pathological nature and that makes them dangerous!
When communicating, discussing, debating, or arguing with a Narcissist, a target/victim usually finds themselves at a COMPLETE dead-end. The target/victim’s logic always becomes incompatible or discombobulated with that of the Narcissist and they always get purposely outwitted and then steered in the opposite direction from the original topic, especially if it is around questioning them (the Narcissist) or accountability as it concerns the Narcissist. Basically, communicating with them is like walking through a “House of Mirrors” at a carnival. Every thought you express is distorted in so many different ways that you don’t even recognize the original thought and it causes complete confusion– just like your image in the many mirrors that are created to distort your image and make you lose track of your original starting point and destination.
If you say the sky is blue the Narcissist will somehow negate the possibility of it being blue to make you wrong. The Narcissist may even hint that you have certain psychological issues concerning your thoughts about the sky being blue. The Narcissist will back it up with concerns that your friends, family, or associates have about your “wild allegations” of the sky being BLUE. Then the Narcissist will accuse you of having an affair and using your story of the “blue sky” as a diversion tactic to trick THEM. Finally, that Narcissist will employ punishment and the silent treatment because of your argumentative views, lies and betrayal concerning your “blue sky” story. The Narcissist then runs out to find a little extra supply on the side to betray you since they now have some “free time” after the chaotic and wild “blue sky” story that has left you in shock, silenced and isolated. After a day or so they come back and tell you that IN FACT the sky is now blue as if the issue over the blue sky never even came up at all, and you may even get flowers, or dinner, BUT you end up paying for it as usual! OH – and they will tell you that they were taking care of a sick relative and that is why you didn’t hear from them for that day or so that they disappeared. Do we call this denial on the Narcissist’s part that they are just this delusional or are they just denying us access to them using all of these “crazy and chaotic” diversions that deflect us away from the truth about them so they can get away with everything and anything? I say it is all diversions!
The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication to divert reality and cause chaos so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is at that very moment. This agenda is many things, but basically to secure supply, from us and from whoever else is willing to give them supply – it supports their false mask/persona. It took me a while to understand just how this worked, as well as how my Narcissist would divert from every aspect of their life/lifestyle – everything was always a mystery as far as the past and present. Let me put it this way – everything was MEANT to be kept this way, so I would never learn the truth about this Narcissist’s abusive past, out-of-control lifestyle, as well as a perverted lifestyle. Any time I would speak to this Narcissist’s mother I would find out about something that this Narcissist had lied about, AND I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK because the truth just always seemed to come out on its own. So, you can imagine just how much this Narcissist was lying, re-writing history and every other little diabolical action. I was always kept at a distance from the Narcissist’s family, but of course told that I never made an attempt to get to know them – AGAIN just more diversion.
Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask, so beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live and we SUPPORT.
How does a simple question concerning accountability turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are and they HAVE to protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade. In the end when we KNOW the real truth they do a preemptive and silent attack with their smear campaign to completely destroy our integrity so no one will believe us when we start to tell the truth about this pathological critter.
Beneath that thin mask the Narcissist wears is the reality of their pathological self PLUS their WHOLE past of victims/targets they have abused and a raging temper that is like a volcano that can erupt at any given moment. YES, they are aware of their actions because they use lie after lie to cover up their abuse – but they just do not have the mechanics to care. Like a child that stole a piece of candy and lies about it to avoid being punished – so does the Narcissist at a monumental level. Remember their past is always following them and should they ever stop for a moment it will catch up with them and completely consume them because they are abusers that have damaged many people’s lives – even their own family. When the going gets tough the Narcissist gets going – so they are off and running to new supply ALWAYS surrounding themselves with a protective circle of new targets/victims, NEW LIES, as well as a new and WONDEROUS life to shore up their disordered facade AGAIN – and this equation ALWAYS includes the demise/destruction of the previous source of supply and the “believers” that support the delusional Narcissist! Thus, the cycle of abuse – they are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.
A narcissist will also create vivid situations where they start a conversation off with an agenda in mind – one to create a smokescreen or diversion of some sort. They confuse the target/victim with chaos to perhaps divert a situation into an argument to be able to sneak out and secure some supply they acquired on the side, or just to debase a target/victim and keep them walking on eggshells or to cause constant anxiety to keep us CONDITIONED and a slave to their pathology. This is like being a POW or prisoner of war to the Narcissist – torture and all! This is what they do because what lives inside of them is such a disordered personality that if we were to even have a small glimpse of what they really are I believe we would be shocked even more by the reality of ALL OF THE TRUTH. I learned this about my Narcissist through talking to their friends and family and I never imagined that there was even more than what I experienced but there was/is, and the truth was beyond a capacity for me to understand. We see the tip of the iceberg and what is hidden beneath the water is monumental in size and so destructive to many people, especially IF THE TRUTH WOULD GET OUT!
Lies and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing reality, but the Narcissist also does this with an agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives, then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity! BUT here is the truth – you are an amazing person, you have all of your mental facilities, you can love, you have great empathy, and you are STRONG because you survived this and are here today. You will recover from this and be free from this abuser. It all starts now with education, knowledge and support. You will align with all of this and the truth of your situation and purge all of the abuse out of your life. It is a process that requires time, but it is worth it because you will get your good life back and freedom. It all starts with no/minimal contact to get the clarity you need! Greg
Communication is calculated, weaponized, and used for deflection or as a diversionary tool by a Narcissist.
They manipulate their words to get desired ‘results’ or ‘reactions’ that are only meant to benefit THEM! ‘Results’ as in manipulating something out of somebody or backstabbing/triangulating or ‘reactions’ to create chaos and crazy-making to confuse, hurt, and control. Their calculated words are their tools that they use to either CHARM and gain entry or better yet break into your world or weapons to HARM and destroy somebody’s world. BUT you can always count on the fact that words are used to manipulate, and they are always LIES!
A little perspective on interactions and communication and how it personally affects those of us that are connected to them in some form of a personal relationship: Accountability as far as it concerns what a Narcissist may have done to you, be it hurtful raging, a huge lie, an affair, or whatever will only end up at a dead end. Whatever they may have said or done to you was done with intent no matter how it may have hurt you AND they just don’t care and feel justified in their actions because it has SERVED THEM. They live in a perverted and out of control world and take whatever they can from people with NO CONCERN of the harm they inflict on anybody else. HOW do we know this? Again, it is through their words they communicate with that they weaponize to deflect, attack us with, and put us in our place or control us to cover up their horrendous lies/actions. THERE is your answer. There is no real relationship with them! We BELIEVE there is, BUT we are all just taking our turn as supply and even though we may be their PRIMARY source that still doesn’t mean that it is real or exclusive by any means -we all have bit parts. They probably have other relationships or supply on the side that we have absolutely no sense of. These are very dysfunctional individuals that grab at any opportunity to serve themselves. Our primary role is to serve them 24/7 as STEADY supply – as well as accept their EVERY indiscretion (even finding other supply) and to accept the blame because we are not serving them COMPLETELY – but nobody could ever serve them completely.
SO, with all of that in mind, everything is YOUR fault no matter what – and you DIDN’T do anything to deserve this treatment. BUT, you are to ACCEPT their every indiscretion and deception or else they will find somebody else to serve them (tactical abuse for sure!) They have an arsenal of tools to divert from accepting any responsibility for their actions that includes extreme denial, projection, always blaming you, and then raging at you for daring to question their right to their complete freedom to do whatever they want to do. Normally they just lie to cover up their horrendous and perverted actions but on the other hand the Narcissist has a strict set of rules that you must follow and that includes your COMPLETE compliance and dedication to them, and you must NEVER betray them as they do to you. They are huge denial machines that justify all of their actions at everybody else’s expense. Knowledge is power in knowing and understanding how these creatures operate – it allows us to take our power back by knowing the truth.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
OK so now we’re faced with ourselves and YIKES to this. Our self-esteem is crushed, we feel humiliated, we are hurt, vulnerable, confused, traumatized and having to start out on a journey we never expected we would be on. Out of the ashes comes some harsh reality. We may be ashamed to admit that our partner, spouse, family member or friend was abusive and mentally disordered or a Malignant Narcissist because what does THAT say about us now? As we learn about this abuse we will learn a lot about ourselves too.
OK so ‘it is what it is’ and now we must move forward by first understanding that no matter what the situation is about us personally, NOBODY deserves to be abused and never and I mean NEVER blame yourself for this abuse. Stop traveling through the past to review everything that you could have done to change any of this, make it work, fix the relationship or anything – what you can change is the truth and accepting this reality that you were in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship and you are so very lucky to be out of it now. Self-reflection is a new opportunity to grow by understanding the process of abuse and how it was situational and there is absolutely no acceptable reason or justification for the abuse you experienced. Let it be a guide to help you grow from this terrible experience and use it as part of the education to create a process to make yourself emotionally healthy again and strong.
Remember if you blame yourself or accept some theory that says you are responsible for this, you are only blaming yourself like the Narcissist did to you throughout the whole relationship and essentially saying that you are an unhealthy person and have always been that way and deserved this. Get healthy first with the many ‘ah ha’ moments you gain from knowledge, education and support. With a healthy mind you will make the necessary changes and create the healthy boundaries you need. You will dig deep down inside of yourself and heal anything that may have kept you hanging onto this desperate love. You WILL have a rebirthing process where you change many things about yourself to NEVER allow any toxic behavior back into your life. You WILL grow to your fullest potential after experiencing such darkness – that is what we do as humans.
Here is something else we must also consider. We are now the lucky recipients of some amazing first-hand knowledge of these chameleons, shape shifters, or human impersonators. Down the road, we do come out of this horrendous experience a lot smarter and more self-aware about people and life – and yes to LOVE too. We all function at our best when we can put our real empathy, love, and nurturing/helping talent to good use in life – don’t lose that just tweak it so that you give it to deserving and real people. Also, be good to yourself and carefully pick those who deserve your special talents, abilities, amazing qualities, and love. There is a wonderful world waiting out there, BUT we have to remember that life is not always about a prince/princess charming being the center of our universe. That is a fable to understand what love could be and it can be – but don’t forget that there are also the fables and stories out there about the monsters that ALSO could be or can be there too. When you become strong and whole again you will adapt to a life that is somewhere in between the fairy tales and monster stories – or normal relationships with good people.
You have to get very cuddly and loving with yourself because every second of blame and pain from remorse is only keeping you frozen in the pain and anguish of the abuse and STUCK. Own it for sure, deal with it, align your truths that it was abuse and then discard it along with every negative message and action from this Narcissist. You feel enough pain as it is so don’t reinforce it or add to it, hug yourself instead and on a REGULAR basis. Be easy on yourself and enjoy the simple truths of life, the small goodness you see in the miracles that are all around you, because life is meant to enjoy. This may seem like silly words but put yourself out there in a manner to see that life is good and understand that you CAN’T allow this Narcissist to live in your head forever because it is blinding your ability to see a good future and to live once again. Resolve will bring you back around again to goodness and clarity that life does offer, AND you deserve it. Always returning or continued contact with a Narcissist or any abuser is not going to change anything and only keeps you hanging on to some false hope. If you are having difficulty with this professional therapy is needed to break the cycle of abuse – and again IF you are stuck in it!
What will become one of the strongest esteem building tools in OUR arsenal is the power that comes from removing ourselves from the abuse because we get it! NO CONTACT is born out of the real NEED to separate and distance ourselves physically, emotionally and verbally from a disordered and dangerous Narcissist. Time and distance have a wonderful way of bringing clarity to this situation and a surefire way to heal. These abusers will leave us in the most emotionally crushing way they can because this is what they do! They choose the perfect timing and they inflict great emotional devastation, and they also enjoy doing it. They take what is near and dear to you or your reality and crush it as they casually walk away. In time we realize the relationship was doomed to failure, but we don’t realize that until later or when it was too late! You will undergo many changes in your ways of thinking about your situation and life in general and a very astute change of your expectations. Basically, we have experienced the nearest thing to darkness or evil that we will ever have the unfortunate and hideous opportunity to experience again.
SO let’s remember this with the ‘no contact’ ANY involvement with them causes complete chaos and confusion of our otherwise healthy judgment. We need our time to learn, gain perspective, and heal ourselves. This is the perfect opportunity to learn and grow in many unforeseen ways so make this YOUR time. We all need to accept ownership of any mistakes we may have made along the way. AGAIN, if we must make contact because of legal/custody arrangements, etc. – make it business only and absolutely nothing else. Don’t allow an abuser to bait you back in and NEVER negotiate with them or you will be dragged back into the darkness of their abuse.
A Narcissist is not going to make the end of their abuse or the relationship easy. In all probability they will enjoy watching you squirm as long as they can. They will flaunt their new ‘soul mate’ under your nose. The Narcissist will have their new target convinced you are an obsessed and an insane person who has gone over the edge, but you know the truth and that is all that needs to matter to you (your truths). They abuse through their trickery and manipulation and that is what you are seeing right under your nose. All you have to do is look back and be reminded of the exact behavior and deception you experienced as well. The Narcissist will say nasty things about you to anyone they can to destroy your integrity and to avoid exposure of the real truth of their abusive ways. If there are legal ramifications with a divorce, they will fight you tooth and nail for every cent. The Narcissist will try and turn the kids and everybody else against you. They will stalk and harass you to cover their tracks of abuse and could become violent to instill fear. You’ll be having a hard time just coping with the loss of the relationship, let alone the other bombs the Narcissist is dropping on you and your life.
REMEMBER this Narcissist will try to draw you back into the relationship over and over to gain the control and power because they need to SILENCE you. They will only give up when they find new supply or target somebody new. Don’t allow yourself to think that “he/she is reaching out because they care” ever – that is what they want you to think and they will be counting on your gullibility to achieve this.
If you are stuck or unable to achieve progress through the stages of recovery, you may need professional therapy as well. Many people face this problem, so you are not alone and you are not weak because of it. You are strong and looking for every possible door to open that will help you achieve your recovery. A strong therapist that HAS experience with this type of abuse is a powerful tool – just do your homework to make sure the therapist you chose does have experience with malignant Narcissists and traumatization.
You are highly educated about this abuse now and have graduated with high honors. You will no longer be naive and trusting or believe that abuse like this doesn’t exist in this world. All of this knowledge you have gained from your abuser (the Narcissist) has opened your eyes so that now you can readily see red flags waving where perhaps you never saw them before! You also realize that a Narcissist is a predator and you know where they hunt for prey and HOW they lure them in. You WILL pay attention to your gut instincts or intuition and watch for signs of abuse anywhere and everywhere and determine the reality of the situation, and YOU WILL protect yourself. Being aware of your vulnerabilities will make you a whole lot smarter the next time a Narcissist slithers into your space or life. Don’t ever doubt the fact that that you will never see more of them in the future because they ARE everywhere. BUT you are a veteran now and you will be able to spot one of these fast talking, slick, and shrewd con artists a mile away. But now you will be armed with the ability to avoid them and protect yourself. But, you always have to be careful because they can fake and charm their way into anyone’s heart, then burrow their way into their victim’s mind to abuse them just as your Narcissist did before. The precious gift here is the freedom you gain from your own self sufficiency and that you SURVIVED abuse.
Maybe now you can embrace that word abuse as well as internalize the truth that you WERE abused by a very disordered, deranged, not fully functioning human being or whatever descriptive word you decide to use – personality disordered defines it best. But they are real, and they meant to hurt you, damage you or even destroy you with that charming smile on their face but with a dark empty soul behind it. Taking charge of your life once again has its own rewards too and that is the chance to grow in love again and you will! Now for the Narcissist there is no love and never will be any. They do not have a heart, mind or soul that is equipped to bond in any form or manner with another human being nor do they possess any empathy – they are only looking for external stimulation in life (supply). They only know how to loathe and hate life and the people that live outside of their deranged and delusional world. The real truth lives inside of your heart and mind now and you WILL move forward.
There is nothing easy about this process of recovery and it hurts in many ways because you are learning the truth around so many horrendous lies that had you believing in this person, but it is necessary to move on with your life. You can and will recover, I promise that. You will look back at this and see how you have grown in ways you never imagined. Your weaknesses are now your strengths. Love is amazing and even that shrewd and manipulative Narcissist can’t take that from you and he/she NEVER DID because you were too strong and too smart to allow that to happen – that is why they had to leave! They didn’t discard you they realized you were wise to their horrible agenda and ran off like a coward would. You are here today because you know the truth and are looking to open every door to recovery you can through knowledge, education and the support of other victims and survivors AND you are free from the chains and the monster that harmed you! No/minimal contact always. Greg
Narcissists are totally disconnected from people and from THEMELVES. They morph into whatever they need to be at any given moment because they are opportunists always ready to take advantage of a new opportunity or seeking out their next source of supply. Their so-called personality or persona is ONLY a working component to support their agenda that lacks ANY real substance. There is absolutely nothing to them beyond their needs that they act on like an addict looking for their next fix.
A normal person can make connections with their own feelings and emotions (empathy) and this connection with one’s own feelings allows them to develop and live in accordance with real values that allow them to function to include other people in their world or bonding. A normal person that has developed a real value system does not violate this system by intentionally USING and harming other people. Society has rules that separate us as the normal functioning human being with the opposite being a non-functioning or not fully functioning human being. Given that Narcissists are emotionally dead, then it follows they lack these internal mechanisms, so they also lack constraint for their actions and impulses, and vast neediness – so the Narcissist fits the category of non-functioning human being. They live in an out-of-control world where they serve their every whim/need because there are no internal constraints to stop them from acting on whatever they want. They lack empathy, so they just don’t care and are not accountable for their negative and hurtful actions. People become their objects to use for their short term or long term needs as well as abuse. They are the great manipulators in life!
This was a manufactured love that was meant to completely con you. Your concepts of love that you held near and dear to your heart were mirrored back onto you and your reality was manipulated to believe in them. You were in love or WHAT YOU BELIEVD WAS REAL LOVE. Love is the strongest human emotion and bond in the world, and you felt it with all of your heart and soul which is not anything out of the ordinary or unique because it happens every day. BUT it was unique because it was a manufactured love that psychologically damaged you.
Your whole belief system has been thrown out the window! Your spirit must heal from the loss of love however traditional or non-traditional (abusive) it is/was because your love was still very real to YOU! Unfortunately, you must also heal from the emotional and psychological damage as well. But, and the most important message you can internalize is that you DIDN’T fall in love with abuse, nor were YOU to blame for any part of this, you are NOT a fool, and you did NOT deserve this. You were conned into this and it was easy for the Narcissist to do because love is a very normal, familiar, and strong emotion – so they weaponized it to trap you, control you, use you, harm you, betray, you, and essentially abuse you. Validation and knowledge are powerful tools in gaining your freedom and starting on your road to recovery. You ARE stronger than you know because you survived this abuse and are here to tell your story – you are that amazing!
Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
We are NEVER alone in this relationship! We are just another OR the next source of supply – nothing more or nothing less! We may be the PRIMARY source of supply but every person in a Narcissist’s world is supply or another object that they use for some reason or purpose. We are ALL temporary and have an expiration date.
The Narcissist idealizes his/her victim for a while – just like “courting” in the ‘old’ days. This “courting” period is the most important aspect of the “big con” that the Narcissist is creating personally for us – it is an investment for them and more like a seduction. The Narcissist brings out the best in their target AND mirrors our good qualities back to us. This could be the very reason we think our Narcissist is so AMAZING — because he/she is mirroring our belief system, our code of ethics, our every like and dislike, our morality, they become a part of our family and circle of friends – they are a dream come true – but the dream swiftly turns into a bad nightmare. We are only seeing ourselves being reflected back to us as if the Narcissist has everything in common with our life. These character traits are NON EXISTANT in the Narcissist and this is an insidious betrayal on their part to gain our trust through pretending to be real, as well as faking one of the most beautiful emotions LOVE (which comes with our undying trust), so they can extort our lives and twist our minds to destroy what they can in the process and WHY?
Remember we are never alone in a relationship with a Narcissist. The Narcissist has an adequate amount of supply ALWAYS and they have their “little black book” of minor sources of supply – BUT AGAIN THEY ARE ALWAYS ADEQUATELY SUPPLIED unbeknownst to us. The Narcissist may choose at some point in time to cultivate or activate any of these minor supplies into major supply – maybe more than one at a time. BUT the point here is that we are all just supply – an object that provides something the Narcissist needs – and their needs are many and varied and none of us are any different than any of the other “suppliers.”
We thrive for a time on this amazing charm and adulation from the Narcissist. What human being doesn’t want to be cared for, valued, treasured, recognized at a level where another person falls in love with us and vice versa? It is easy to be enticed and trapped by all this because we grew up with “love stories” and role models that reinforced a loving and growing relationship for life or as near as we could get to that – so basically we followed a dream that everybody else does.
The Narcissist is ‘cunningly’ complimentary of us at times. He/she may have started to compliment us as well as degrade us in the same sentence – this is the start of the slow and insidious abuse – like administering a poison drop by drop. These underhanded verbal putdowns left us confused more times than we care to remember – that is where the clinical term “gas-lighting” came from and where we are left questioning our own ability to think or comprehend normally because of that and the Narcissist’s grand arsenal of tools. It is mass confusion pure and simple and like a ride on an emotional roller coaster with the constant highs and lows and we can’t get off!
As time goes on, the compliments are less frequent. The verbal put downs, the sarcastic comments, and their body language, make us feel that we have done something horribly wrong. This becomes such a familiar scenario and that feeling of love seems to be constantly replaced by so much “blame and shame.” We change our normal to try to keep that spark alive but there was never a flame there in the first place.
There is absolutely NO responsibility or accountability on their part for anything they do. Couple that with the fact that they do not live in accordance with any written or unwritten laws (common decency to other humans), and they act on every impulse that they have without an iota of care when they harm the very person that loves them in the process. Consequently, they lack any and all morals as far as their life is concerned and they may have multiple partners, they are pathological liars, manipulators, thieves, ETC.! Absolute control of their partner is the goal of the Narcissist to extort supply. Here is the thing this is very difficult to identify and understand in the beginning of a relationship with a Narcissist because they are the world’s best CON artist and they mean to con us out of our mind, integrity, finances, self-esteem and anything else they can get their grubby little hands on – so the “game is on” with THEM.
Accordingly, it is easy to falsely blame yourself or to simply justify their bad behaviors. BUT it is through careful observation that you begin to perceive the true intent of the Narcissists hideous manipulative actions. Unfortunately, the Narcissist has to REEL YOU IN to accomplish his/her abusive agenda and they are very stealth characters when it concerns getting supply. They use our emotions to pull us in and basically lock us up in their world. The abuse is slow and hideous and the Narcissist puts a great deal of time to set the target/victim up in the exact manner to bleed them dry – and with the Narcissist investing so much time and energy they most certainly want what they came for and take it – SUPPLY. This is what I have always said is the MOST manipulative and discerning aspect of this abuse. They are just that good to know how to manipulate a person into “falling in love” with them and then using that as the key to unlock our heads and then start disassembling our mental abilities (psychological terrorism) as well as destroying every other aspect of our lives that they can – they basically erase our personality. I just can’t understand the theory that these characters do not realize their disorder? This is serious stuff my friends and something the world needs to see “in living color” so it is understood that this is a well-articulated plan on the part of a disordered person – perhaps premeditated – but let’s just say they KNOW what they are doing and never forget they LIE, LIE, LIE to cover up their abusive actions when they discard EACH AND EVERY target/victim.
Why did we care so much that we tormented ourselves into thinking that it was us and not them? It is all the manipulation that is laid out for us like a road map, STARTING with manipulating us into loving them. Let’s just say that if they are that good to get us to love them, they are going to do equally well or better to get us to believe we are worthless when they devalue and discard us. Almost like a psychological experiment where conditioning is used to train a rat to press a bar to get a treat. After that rat learns that pressing the bar is good and a treat will follow, the researcher now changes the game and shocks the rat intermittently when it presses the bar. That poor rat was conditioned to believe whole ‘rat-heartedly’ to trust its wonderful friend and provider for that food pellet, and now what happened. So that rat just keeps pressing the bar to see if it can get a treat. It keeps pressing that bar, but more than often it gets shocked now – but it just keeps trying and trying again without the slightest knowledge of why things changed. That is conditioning in its most basic form – but the real rat here is the Narcissist and you better believe that the Narcissist is going to shock the “ba-gee-bee’s” out of you too.
So, the abuse continues and the Narcissist will throw their target a ‘bone’ or give us a moment of value and maybe we’ll even get a glimpse of that fake love we once knew. BUT we are now constantly being devalued and all of this is protocol in the Narcissist agenda to abuse their target/victim and get to the final discard. A better way to describe this abuse is like being dragged down a gravel road.
In my experience this went on as long as it amused the Narcissist and damaged me, it was purely sadistic how this Narcissist devalued me time after time. When I had been drained dry and experiencing a tragedy in my life it was time for the final discard. Being discarded from this Narcissist was THE BEST thing that could have happened to ME!
After the Discard comes the feelings of being worthless – but seriously it is the Narcissist who is worthless. This is the abuse in a nutshell – insidious manipulation to suck the life out of a good person and take whatever the Narcissist could. It is brain-washing, gas-lighting, hypnotism or anything that describes sucking the life out of a good person WITHOUT them knowing the game.
We are weak and fragile when we go through the final stages of this abuse – but that is what this Narcissist counts on – that and their smear campaign to convince the rest of the world that we are insane or whatever else they want to accuse us of, but rest assured it will be done in a manner to damage our integrity and silence us so they can move on without being “outed” for the abusive Narcissist they are.
What was it about us that drew the Narcissist to us? Why did the Narcissist target us? What was it that made us so very vulnerable to their abuse? HERE IS THE ANSWER – it was that magnificent con job they created for each of us personally that I outlined above. It doesn’t require a classification of person you are or anything else to justify the abuse – THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE so don’t blame or define yourself within the realms of this abusive relationship ever! Grow with boundaries so it never happens again. It is while you are feeling these things like being weak, fragile and confused that you will call upon an inner strength you never knew you had AND you will recover from this insidious abuse. Just NEVER allow the Narcissist or your abuser to return because they will only twist the knife in your back as often as you allow them to – mine did and it was more hideous each time I allowed it. BUT then the anger and repulsion I felt from realizing the truth enabled me to discard and abandon the monster that played with my life FOREVER. NO CONTACT = YOUR FREEDOM! You ARE and always have been that amazing person and you WILL find your way back again! Greg
This relationship was not traditional by ANY means! Starting on the road to recovery by unpacking the truth about all of this!
You unknowingly lived and loved what can only be described as an abhorrent liar and con artist – but you believed in them completely and spent a great deal of time and energy supporting, nurturing and developing this relationship. So, to start off you are not grieving a relationship that is traditional by any means – you are grieving an abusive and desperate love! Not only are you dealing with a lie, but with a creature that has damaged your life and abused your love – BUT again you BELIEVED in this person that completely destroyed you and probably took your integrity along for the ride. YOU are not at fault for any of this – NOBODY deserves to be lied to, conned, OR abused for any reason.
Now the truth is standing directly in front of you and you must SOMEHOW process this without any experience to do so. Where do you begin and how do you grieve this abusive relationship? You try to approach it like a normal relationship, BUT there is nothing even near normal about it. You have to make sense out of a love you BELIEVED was real, but it was a lie AND it was abuse. The two don’t go hand in hand. You can’t realistically find common ground to separate and actualize these two facts because they are so polar opposite and it feels impossible to work with this because you only end up conflicted.
On top of it all this abuse has left you vulnerable, traumatized and disabled. Today you stand at the bottom of a dark void looking for the smallest ray of light, but you are buried by so many layers of confusion that it feels impossible to do anything but remain there and wait for something or someone to help you or even save you. You can’t apply a traditional grieving process to any of this because you have been managed down from the abuse, you are traumatized and a shell of the person you once were. You are not moving on with a clear perspective and mutual and respectful understanding that the relationship failed, you are moving on from an abusive situation. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT – so start there to get you healthy power back!
Even the people nearest and dearest to you can only console you from their point of view that doesn’t have the smallest connection to understanding this abuse. They don’t even know that you have fallen so deeply into this void. If you would have actually fallen into a hole the first thing you would do is use your voice and cry out for help! This is what you must actualize as the first step to moving forward – your voice is integral in getting a message out to the world that you need help, so you CAN connect to the very people that have experience to help you UNDERSTAND this! You cannot isolate yourself and remain in the fog any longer – this is YOUR time to survive and even thrive in time!
The very next thing that you have to actualize at some point is that there is absolutely nothing that you can do to try to make this love (be it a relationship or family member) real again by returning to it for any reason. You can’t fix the Narcissist that did this to you, relate to them in any manner, and or be in any contact with them anymore UNLESS it is an absolute necessity. You must also get them out of your thoughts as in TRYING to figure this out. Their words (and actions of course) are what abused you in the first place, so they have no sympathy as it concerns your situation because they purposely put you there. YES, this is excruciatingly painful to accept and nearly impossible to believe BUT you have to put yourself in the reality that this person (the Narcissist) is dangerous and you deserve so much more than this.
This is what defines the non-traditional breakup with these creatures. It is not a straightforward recovery, but instead one that requires a strong dose of education as well as a strong arm to pull the target/victim out of darkness and despair with therapy, support and all the help that is available. You are NOT just grieving a relationship, you are grieving so much personal destruction from abuse! No/minimal contact to START this journey.
Psychological and emotional abuse from a Narcissist can lock a victim up in blame, isolate them, make them believe they have serious issues, and alter their reality and belief system forever without education, knowledge, and SUPPORT!
There are people out there that will offer simple support or a pat on the back, but in reality without tried and true validation the target/victim simply assumes they are to blame somehow because nobody truly understands the reality of the emotional and psychological terrorism or abuse that the target/victim has experienced – unfortunately the victim DOESN’T understand what has happened either. This is not a person wanting to BE or remain a victim forever, it is a plea for help because they are lost in the abuse and feeling as if something is terribly wrong with them and reaching out. Nobody would want to feel the effects of this abuse just so they can say they are a victim. It is so mentally debilitating that the normal reality of everyday life is so distorted that it basically halts for the target/victim. That is very scary or better yet a horrifying place to be in.
Targets/victims of psychological abuse have to tear down their entire understanding of the world, people and love, and rebuild the whole system from the ground up to feel comfortable in THEIR OWN SKIN again. Information and education is primary in starting out on the road to recovery BUT support from the people closest to the victim is crucial. Unfortunately, with this type of abuse the variable that prohibits this is that most people truly have no viable understanding of just what a Narcissist is or that this abuse is so damaging. So, the lack of support from those closest to the victim (for whatever reason it may be) can actually be the most damaging and dangerous. Again, the target/victim will internalize a bad message one in which they will blame themselves for allowing this to happen and feel very isolated and invalidated.
When a person tells a target/victim to just move on for instance, what message does that send to them? It says that this isn’t that important for you to be here and going on and on with all of your words and describing the details, etc. It is a total invalidation of the abuse and It makes the target/victim believe that they are over-reacting and in turn makes them feel as if they are inferior or damaged and ‘BAM’ the target/victim puts the blame right back onto themselves and may even believe they are crazy. This is a traumatized victim not a person that had an argument with someone they were in a relationship with. Where does the target/victim go for help when they can’t get immediate support for the abuse – those closest to them. Most will go BACK TO THE SOURCE OF THEIR PROBLEM or their abuser if nobody is there to help pull them back up again and feeling emotionally healthy – that is what the abuser wants or pulling them back into the abuse AND control. Traumatization requires viable solutions and answers that validates the reality that their situation was really out of the normal circumstances of day to day life and NOT something that the person experiencing this trauma can just reason away. Unfortunately, some target/victims go on for years without validation and develop poor coping skills as a result of the trauma that are not even viable as far as moving forward and back into a welcoming world – INSTEAD they isolate themselves forever and completely mistrust the world.
The problem with anyone telling a target/victim to move forward and leave everything behind is that it works directly against the best interests of anyone suffering from trauma or better yet Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that occurs after being abused. Unfortunately, this can even occur when the victim of this abuse is in therapy if the therapist does NOT recognize the traumatization aspect of this abuse. There comes a time AFTER everything has been sorted out that we have to go through some deep introspection as it concerns ourselves being COMPLETELY healthy and releasing from the abuse and creating new boundaries by looking inward to find anything that connects us to reoccurring abuse. BUT when you are traumatized you are not feeling healthy to find healthy solutions. So AGAIN, recovery is a process that requires specific steps.
Trauma and shock is an outcome of this abuse and the reality or need to rebuild ourselves BUT where is the reality basis for a traumatized person to build from when they are traumatized and can’t seem to function normally enough to take care of themselves. There is no personal experience to build from until they understand the complete picture. What seems reasonable by just moving on will only add up to greater confusion when the target/victim is still left confounded, angry, depressed, anxious and wanting closure where there is none. The victim has to work through the here and now or the trauma to just be able to function WITH complete clarity to understand this whole mess. Then there are the messages that the abuse target/victim is not allowed to be ‘overly negative’ or ‘play the victim’ by blaming anyone else, SO the only person the target/victim can end up blaming or assigning responsibility to OR getting angry with is themselves.
Empowering ourselves has its place, but that is to empower ourselves FIRST with the truth and education to back it up and guide us CORRECTLY to recovery or basically one of many steps. We have to understand that this abuse was situational in the form of abuse from a Narcissist and then and only then can we put together the other components that GOT us there and KEPT us there dancing with this destructive Narcissist. It will be different for every person, but WE CAN NOT force the issue and bury the abuse and trauma by just moving on. Do we want to ALWAYS blame ourselves and forever feel we were responsible because we were not powerful enough and if it happens again we are definitely the problem here? Probably we would end up believing so and that is just defeating the purpose of healing by saying we are just that weak that we always allow ourselves to be abused. No again this is debilitating psychological rape. No abuse is ever our fault so proper perspective has to be a part of the process so that it triggers the correct response when red flags are waving at us and if we should happen to fail again, we will work through it with better perspective. This perspective must give us a clear understanding of the abuse we experienced so we can assimilate that into our future thoughts. Knowledge is power!
Empowerment is PART of the process of reassigning your belief system to include that this WAS abuse and abusers do exist in the real world. A healthy mind will put this into perspective – BUT once that mind is at a place to do so AND with proper steps and education to back it up. We must purge the abuse out in a logical process that includes embracing our grief through anger and every other thought process that appears. We have to DEAL with our thoughts and not just repress them. It may seem viable but anything that is unresolved and buried within us will resurface eventually and that is why so many targets/victims get stuck in this abuse and keep returning to it day after day to find some sort of logic. If we do not get healthy through the many steps of grieving, anger, talking about it to viable listeners, seeking reality through education, finding support through other survivors, taking a mental health break, then we will fail miserably.
Many targets/victims are afraid to speak out about what they are going through because they are afraid they will be looked down upon and considered obsessed, scorned, angry or just plain CRAZY. Again, this is just a result of feeling they must be faulty to be in the position they are in, so they try to appear as if they are doing good when it is the furthest thing from their reality. NO speak out about it and tell the truth of the days you are unable to function, or if you cried for an hour, or you are so mad, feeling isolated and depressed or whatever. You have to validate your experience and not repress it. If it goes on too long than it requires more steps with some professional help from a therapist that has experience with this type of abuse. Self-reflection and introspection are very important when we are feeling clear and healthy enough to look inward again and create boundaries. AGAIN – this is all the outcome of the abuse and being managed down and manipulated. Embracing the reality is a hard pill to swallow, but it will allow you to live again and that is essential. PLEASE – no/minimal contact to start you on your journey to recovery! Greg