So many people ask the question – how we confuse LOVE with ABUSE? The simple answer is extreme manipulation from a personality disorder person! Knowledge is power with recovery!

So many people ask the question – how we confuse LOVE with ABUSE? The simple answer is extreme manipulation from a personality disorder person! Knowledge is power with recovery!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

What gets you/us there? The simple and REAL answer the false connection or ‘con bond’ that this Narcissist created in the beginning. The one where you bonded with them and trusted them. More than likely you believed it is/was a real relationship and you LOVE them – but in any case, your emotions and heart were/are basically ruling and clouding your mind. The TRUTH – slowly but surely the Narcissist was tempering your emotions and love to disable you completely so they could control YOU to get the supply they need so desperately. It is really very mechanical but they were so good at seducing you/us with the love bombing so they can groom you as a main source of supply. This is a person that you explicitly trust AND they care about or love you too (or so you believed) so you put yourself into a place of love that comes natural to normal people and with that in mind you worked hard to always resolve any issues so that you could continue with this amazing relationship. You believe that they will reciprocate in a healthy manner because they do care/love you, but unfortunately you were totally blind to the truth so you fall into the trap and it becomes a dysfunctional habit. The problem isn’t with you – it is with the abuser that used you in the controlling manner that they did.

This confusion will blind you to the many other aspects of their abuse and the Narcissist walks all over your heart and imprisons your mind in the process. This is CONTROL and it will get worse over time and be more of a daily emotional beating meant to harm you AND disable you completely. The WHY to all of this is because a Narcissist is severely defective and basically loathes people and life so they have to destroy the goodness that exists in us to justify their miserable existence. They wear a false mask to cover up the truth – but the mask cannot completely hide their reality even from themselves? What kind of human could take another human to this place and WHY?

You ARE the normal person here but you find yourself explaining things like the reality of your feelings, or your need for cohesiveness but you are talking to a stone as far as getting through to a Narcissist. You are basically telling the Narcissist that they are winning at their extreme manipulation by participating because that is what they want. There is no such thing as empathy, feelings, or being nice with a Narcissist. Big red flag here because adults do not need to be taught how to play nice! Usually it is a five-year-old that needs a playground monitor and that is what you are dealing with — a five-year-old liar as well as a delusional bully in an adult body that will NEVER change these sadistic behaviors.

People that are normal and have empathy and integrity in their world always attempt to find or see the good in another person. Seriously you are not the first person that has probably dealt with this creature or has attempted to see the good in them. There is a trail of their destruction that goes way back, but unfortunately you are NOT privy to any of that information. You always find yourself thinking that if you could reach them, make them understand your confusion and hurt that maybe they will stop doing what they are doing! BUT they never will and you get totally lost in the process. A person’s actions definitely define them. Physical abusers use physical actions to physically hurt/abuse people. Emotional and psychological abusers (like Narcissists) use their words to hurt/abuse you. With a Narcissist, they conned you by pretending to be this decent and caring person when they FIRST meet you, luring you into the abuse with their magnanimous charm and strong integrity but in time their words are like a punch to your brain and a knife to your heart.

Try as you may to bring resolution to any concern by working through it and you will find yourself spinning your wheels because you will be re-hashing your concern over and over again. They want you to stay in this maze of confusion. They will ignore your every word in favor of crushing your thoughts once again as if your words do not even exist. They want you to reengage to inflict more confusion and damage. They will only repeat the same delusional comments from the original argument and using all of the same words and the same garbage they already threw out at you. They totally ignore any legitimate arguments you may have provided and you are up against a stone wall. NOTHING will ever be resolved unless it is on THEIR terms and that basically involves disabling you and breaking your spirit. With a Narcissist, the exact same issues will come up over and over again!

After years of this abuse you are a shell of a person that is only surviving in this abusive game that a Narcissist inflicts on you and it is hard to get out of it. People can and will say we were weak and allowed this, but there was an agenda that tricked us into this position and that was psychological abuse. So, for the record let’s just say that the Narcissist is a predator that is in this to control, subjugate, abuse and destroy! It is very real and you can never understand it unless you are a target/victim of this abuse and trapped in it. I am not a weak person, nor was I ever subjected to psychological abuse by another human that I only treated with respect and love, so I suppose I failed as far as it concerns that. But if I was given the opportunity of a fair ‘battle ground,’ one in which I was aware that I was being attacked I am sure I would have fared out much better. I didn’t lose a battle, I survived an attack!

Even accountability as far as it concerns what they may have done to you, be it a huge lie, an affair or whatever will only end up at a dead end too. Whatever they may have done to you was done with intent no matter how it may have hurt you AND they just don’t care and feel justified in their actions. There is no real relationship or love as far as the Narcissist is concerned. They live in a perverted and out of control world and take whatever they can from people with NO CONCERN to the harm they inflict on anybody else. AGAIN, WE MUST UNDERSTAND that there is no real relationship with them! We BELIEVE there is BUT we are all just taking our turn as supply and even though we are their PRIMARY source that still doesn’t mean that it is real by any means. They probably have other relationships or supply on the side that we absolutely have no sense of. These are very dysfunctional individuals that grab at any opportunity to serve themselves. Our primary role is to serve them 24/7 as well as accept their EVERY indiscretion to find other supply and to accept the blame because you/we are not serving them COMPLETELY. To sum it up a Narcissist is not a fully functioning human being and they cannot bond with other human beings, but they need them and use them like an object to serve their many needs. You must understand this completely to break the bond you have formed with them or it will lead you right back into the abuse until you do. No/minimal contact! Greg

Moving forward with the truth and CLARITY!

Moving forward with the truth and CLARITY!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

So WE FELL (were conned) INTO LOVE – but an unnatural and abusive love is nothing even near a normal love and it comes with a great price – the truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem, belief system, worth, and emotional wellbeing – BUT we totally believed in this person at first (and their scam). With that in mind we constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND lost ourselves at so many levels in doing so. Our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools through insidious CONTROL while we kept believing in them. Their manipulation, betrayal, lies and acting out was methodically ‘conditioning’ us to provide them with supply and they stepped up the game to get the most, if not ALL they could from us until they were caught and identified as the monster they are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth and loss more and more of ourselves. We didn’t give them the power to abuse us, we MISTAKINGLY opened our hearts/minds with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise – AND THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO!

So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship) who believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, love, individuality, etc., AND a real relationship and we just tried to follow the natural flow or path of a relationship. But what we didn’t know is that we had inadvertently set the stage for narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them – and that is a BIG NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM – it usually is when a person extorts or is a thief. A thief steals from you when you least expect it and they NEVER leave you a personal gift in return for what they stole – not a give and take situation – ALL TAKE like a Narcissist! Like a spoiled child, a narcissist will act out in rage against the individual who is keeping them from getting what they want – constant supply, admiration, adulation and total control over their target.

During what I call my “processing phase” I thought about all the arguments that seemed to come from nowhere and escalated to an “out of control” status for absolutely no reason. There were never any questions asked – there were always accusations from my Narcissist CONCERNING me. I was everything evil, everything mentally ill, I was perverse, having affairs, lying, cheating, stealing and anything else bad that the Narcissist could think up. It was the creative and DESTRUCTIVE mind of a highly disordered person acting out of their deep seeded pathology. These were diversions and projections of what the Narcissist was actually doing, and they were shoved down my throat in an effort for this Narcissist to release from the shame and blame they should HAVE OWNED themselves for these hideous acts, lies and betrayal. Next it was to attempt to make me feel unworthy like I was all of these things wrong and bad and meant to push me over the edge. This defines the relationship with a Narcissist – totally and hysterically dysfunctional with an edge that serves the Narcissist’s agenda always. I reflected on some of the Narcissists arguments or statements that seemed so uncharacteristically insecure and childlike to me at the time. It was such a surprise coming from an adult, but I justified it and wrote it off as this Narcissist’s “immaturity.” I wanted this Narcissist to be the person I believed the Narcissist to be when my heart assigned itself to loving this Narcissist and I was resolved about my beliefs. If you love them, you will accept them for WHO they are and work with them, time will work to heal all of this and the bigger picture was what was important. Too bad I didn’t realize the PSYCHOPATHY behind all of this. REMEMBER there was a great deal of CHARM or ‘love bombing’ so the Narcissist could gain our trust to get us to believe they were GOOD at first. I wasn’t overlooking the obvious because I wasn’t seeing the WHOLE picture or the lies, cheating, betrayal, brain-washing and everything else that is kept so hidden from all of us – this is why it is classified as abuse or better yet psychological terrorism/abuse because it leaves us emotionally and psychologically wounded – and that what the Narcissist meant to do.

Now ask yourself were you a mentally challenged person when you entered into this relationship? I would believe most would say no. Unfortunately as time went on you were described as practically insane by the Narcissist, as well as a couple hundred other things to make you out to be worthless and that takes time to purge out of your mind. You were managed down slowly but surely to accept this role with your abuser without even knowing it. You were blamed, shamed, told you were everything bad. With that in mind you were put in a role that locked your mind up in these distortions (brainwashing, gas-lighting, manipulation, etc.) and trying to do more and more to alleviate all of these so called problems you had to get the relationship back on track. The Narcissist was the driving force behind all of this to keep you trapped in confusion each and every day. Remember they had an arsenal of tools to do this because that is what they do and they are utilizing these tools with this new supply too!

What is perhaps, the most difficult and devastating outcome of a narcissistic relationship, mustering up the strength as well as adopting the position to accept that your partner was just pathologically abusive and cruel AND now you must abandon them and the relationship COMPLETELY. It is a difficult and unnatural process to have to dump your past completely, as well as your emotions, dreams, plans, the family structure (they abandon/abuse their own biological children as well), all of those years you spent together and the memories that are also fake. IT IS AN ABHORATION of human life as well as human dignity to use/harm/destroy another individual in the manner a malignant Narcissist does. After you get there you are then left with the arduous task of finding yourself again BUT it is a journey we must start to heal and move forward.

Apart from all of that, I live and I love again. It is an amazing life because now, I accept that there are people in this world who represent darkness and evil. It is not my place to fix them, make them better or to even tolerate them. Life is good without narcissists/psychopaths. I know myself better, I am myself, I love and enjoy and find the world a wonderful place to be in. I have good and great relationships. I know that I finally faced the truth and worked through it. I was not a deer frozen in the headlights and stayed in that position dazed forever. I was an adult with many resources and I learned to use them. I accepted that abnormal people had entered into my life. I accepted that they left damage in their wake and I needed to get them out of my life. Unless you do that, unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out. You will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU – it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life. Educate yourself and go “no contact” AND educate others once you understand the reality of this abuse and the damage it does to many undeserving and beautiful people. No contact always! Greg

Communication with a Narcissist is purely poisonous to all that come in contact with them!

Communication with a Narcissist is purely poisonous to all that come in contact with them!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

The Narcissist has used their effective manipulative and cognitive skills by putting you on the defensive and using/distorting your personal conversations and thoughts against you to manage you down (devaluation phase) as well as to triangulate you with the personal information they have gained. They are so adept at utilizing everything they can just from knowing us. A conversation between two people, as it concerns support in any relationship isn’t a court of law where one person is the judge, jury and prison guard AND town gossip like a Narcissist is. A successful relationship requires healthy communication skills and even healthy disagreements. Healthy communication skills require sane and healthy cognitive thinking from both parties. There is nothing healthy or sane about a disordered and abusive Narcissist.

In any type of relationship when communication and thoughts are not nurtured in a process to validate another person, all areas of the relationship are affected and it is more apt to be described as ‘control.’ Communication is the open door that allows two people to exchange cognitive and personal thoughts, to enable growth. We are independent beings that have purpose and we exchange our thoughts normally by accepting our relative differences. The Narcissist manipulates in such a way to cause false interpretations of all of our cognitive processes to distort reality and make them fail and become disabled – EVEN when they manipulate us into believing they love us. When we are manipulated in this manner it affects and disables all of those important skills that we use on a daily basis. It is like we lose our motivation to be effective with simple matters in our personal life or even block our ability to concentrate and learn because we were manipulated in a manner to constantly question ourselves from someone we BELIEVED we could trust and more than likely someone we loved. This is betrayal in the most extreme manner and describes just how disordered a Narcissist is to use our love to create and administer their hate and destruction – AND WHY? Our mind is linked to so many internal processes, and when it is psychologically wounded, other areas will also be affected just like a disease that will spread unless treated, even causing us physiological or physical damage to our health. It can take its toll and also cause long term problems linked to trauma.

It is strikingly similar to being a prisoner of war with brain-washing, gas-lighting, extreme manipulation of facts, or psychological terrorism. Some of those areas that become affected are cognitive functionality like our attention span, our day to day memory, how we process things in our daily life, our long/short term memory, how we see and hear things AND our logic and reasoning abilities. AGAIN this is basically brain-washing in an effort to slowly but methodically break us down and render us useless as an independent thinking and speaking person. Narcissist do not allow individuality because they are cruel dictators that must completely captivate and control their target audience. This is what describes the abuse, and this is what is damaging to the target/victim’s well-being as far as it concerns the psychological abuse that is imposed on you/us. The most striking aspect of this is that it is dealt to us in a slow and insidious manner like being around a slowly leaking and poisonous gas that has no apparent smell so we don’t know the danger we are in because we take it in slowly and when we finally realize, the damage is already done and the effects can be long term.

Narcissists are dishonest, they give mixed signals, always running hot and cold. They triangulate everybody by playing people against one another to maintain control AND they avoid real commitment because it doesn’t exist in a world where there is no give and all take – they are life’s extortionists. There is never one real working relationship with anybody that DOESN’T include this abhorrent manipulation. We are all a means to an end with a Narcissist and that is extracting their supply and destroying people!

Lastly it is amazing how much abuse and suffering targets/victims tolerate. Even when it is obvious to friends and family, the victim may continue to defend and protect the Narcissist which only compounds the problem. This is the power of their (Narcissist) mind control. Narcissists are expert manipulators and use a combination of fear and guilt to control their sources of Narcissistic supply.

The effects of these techniques persist even after the Narcissist has left the relationship. In fact, the influence of their mind control can last for years. A Narcissist will frequently contact a previous target/victim and the target/victim will happily start up the relationship again, thinking that this time will be different, because the Narcissist has promised this but they will only step up the game to trick you and drag you back into the abuse!

The Narcissist returns only because they are just looking for a quick and easy ‘fix’ of Narcissistic supply because they know they already have you locked into their abusive mind games because you are there and re-connecting with them AGAIN. THEY will disappear just as easily as they came back. ALWAYS remember we can’t be or act civilized with a Narcissist by remaining on friendly terms. Never forget that Narcissists always have a needy and destructive agenda.

REMEMBER the Narcissist’s agenda! They always want something and that is Narcissistic Supply, be it help, support, money, sex, etc. They prepare the groundwork with their manipulation to acquire whatever those needs are. Also, remember if they feel threatened by exposure so they will want to neutralize the situation with their manipulative pleasantries or throwing you a little bone. They don’t want to be exposed as the abuser they are so they will keep you feeling near and dear to them until that ‘new supply’ is secured and they have destroyed your integrity to the point that YOU seem like the abuser AND crazy one. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

Their words are as EMPTY as they are! We must always understand that their words are useless and blah, blah, blah!

Their words are as EMPTY as they are! We must always understand that their words are useless and blah, blah, blah! That includes the CHARMING words they use to lure us into their world as well as their HARMING words that are used to diminish us and make us feel worthless and wrong! It is always about the manipulation, the ‘con,’ and their game to get what they want – and that includes DESTROYING people that stand in their way – and we all end up there!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

ANY type of relationship with a Narcissist will leave a person doubting their own sanity. The target/victim, and there is always a target/ victim, is left in total shock, with their jaw dropping to the floor, shaking their head and wondering, “What has happened?”

A Narcissist creatively figures out some unique and impressive angle quickly, and one that few people would ever engage in. Basically they are manipulating your emotions with their words are that blah, blah, blah. Narcissists can typically outsmart almost everybody because they used their well-placed lies and manipulation better than anybody – they should invest their times better and become actors/actresses and leave us alone. They are always ten steps ahead of you, so much so that it is uncanny. They are very QUICK with these unique approaches because they have used them their entire lives to con people, and “BAM” they have swept you off of your feet and keep you there. What else is there to do but bask in the glow of this unique relationship! You are undeniably intrigued by everything about them. When your relationship sours because the ugly truth rears itself with a Narcissist, you better duck for cover and be ready for a whole lot of damage control.

Their words are ALWAYS lies and a TRAP! A skillful Narcissist can tell anybody and everybody a great story just like reciting a well-known fairy tale because they are some of the greatest storytellers. They can weave fictional tales and lies into a complex story about themselves. They mesmerize you with amazing facts, statistics, trivia, history of events, to the point that you feel overwhelmed and just amazed at their acuity and accuracy. They are always the center of these stories, often re-writing their personal history, and lying to embellish the stories. One thing you can say is that they are hardly boring with their accounts of their amazing world and life.

They can incessantly talk and talk about most anything without skipping a beat with their interesting information. They are human chameleons that study human nature, but with a goal to further their power by enhancing their stature and influence the people around them to get what they crave – supply. Undoubtedly, they exaggerate their every claim and position in their life. They are addicted to this omnipotence and we are what they need to use as a mirror to see this amazing reflection of themselves. Unfortunately, what they do in the darkness without a care to the people that love them is also part of the equation and their ability to tell an amazing story to cover up their out-of-control lifestyle.

They lie to weasel their way in and out of any situation and come up smelling like a rose. They are pathological liars in every sense of the word and hide their hideous and perverted life. This is the sad reality of a human connection with them and keep that connection going and the reality turns personally disastrous and destructive as the truth becomes evident that they are not fully functioning human beings and they will take your life down with them.

Narcissists work extremely hard at making themselves believable as it concerns their overt lies and myths about themselves. They arm themselves with a vast array of learned information they have harvested through their observations of other humans. They acquire and then wear, personalize or enhance this information as if it is truly theirs. So what is the goal with all of this? To snag you into his/her Narcissistic lair to make you supply them with the things they need and can’t get because they are a dark and manipulative personality that envies life, love and people.

Unfortunately for those that fall prey to a relationship with them, they exploit one of the greatest emotions to manipulate you into a special place right alongside them and that is love and they LOVE you! Loving them is like hosting a convention for bank robbers AT a bank with the vault right in sight. That vault will be emptied out and those robbers will point to the next person saying ‘they did it, not me” and then they will conveniently disappear with the goods.

It is ABSOLUTELY amazing how a Narcissist can cover their tracks to hide what can only be described as their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle and world. Remember they are not doing this just to be the amazing actors that they are. These are deceptive and abusive personalities that need this disguise to extort people and life using whatever instrument of abuse they can to achieve their agenda – the best word here is that they are cunning like a fox.

Let’s examine this “fake” aspect a little bit more. Narcissists exaggerate their accomplishments even where they work and they are bullies there as well as ANY place they are at They will even do volunteer work at charities, church organizations, or anywhere there are people that they can harvest supply from and MAINTAIN a ‘holier than YTHOU’ appearance and attitude. Narcissists are not only defined through their ‘love’ relationships they are everywhere, and their destruction is everywhere too.

It is still operative abuse and they are very aware of what they do and will lie to protect themselves. Awareness is a big coefficient here and that shouts out the very truth they have the ability to understand that what they do is horrendous and wrong, BUT yet they will not change or admit to their disorder because is serves them.

They create many theatric roles to cover every possible range to get supply. My point here is that they can also be highly “respectable individuals” in any facet of life like a therapist, judge, law enforcement personnel, a doctor, preacher, or just about anything. They will most assuredly use their power and authority to create intimidation, distance, admiration, respect and even abuse. They might even be that bad boy or girl that has many tattoos, piercings, chains, motorcycles, fancy cars, brash and loud, etc. Then again they can also be the lovable and huggable ‘big ole teddy bear’ type of person full of hugs and kisses. They are just everywhere because their ‘false mask and persona’ is what we see first and not the personality disorder.

A Narcissist is a person with some pretty amazing abilities that they utilize to cover their true identity. In my opinion, they can be formidable and of course CHARMING but dangerous to people! They can be impressive in power, strength, intelligence, humorous, caring, and even display empathy – but it is all fake and a ploy to achieve supply and they are abusers. If you get into ANY opposition with a Narcissist, they will become an astounding enemy that will take you down. They are not omnipotent in the least bit, but they might think so. They have MANY limitations especially as it concerns their ego that they defend, and it becomes their undoing.

Removing them and their ‘BLAH, Blah, BLAH,’ completely from your life is the only way to start on your road to recovery. No/minimal contact. Greg

A Narcissist is always many steps ahead of the game with their manipulation, triangulation, lies and betraying people – unfortunately nobody knows that they are playing this game with a Narcissist so they are out there EVERYWHERE and perpetually deceiving many people in many ways!

A Narcissist is always many steps ahead of the game with their manipulation, triangulation, lies and betraying people – unfortunately nobody knows that they are playing this game with a Narcissist so they are out there EVERYWHERE and perpetually deceiving many people in many ways! Normal people do NOT plot against everyday people but a Narcissist does because everybody is a perceived threat to them.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

To coin a familiar phrase and to drive the point home, the most dangerous predators among us are ingeniously masked, veiled or disguised. Narcissists carefully surround themselves with people entirely UNLIKE themselves or their minions and flying monkeys. Basically, the people a Narcissists uses as a shield to embellish their ‘voided’ personality OR to avoid exposure. Usually these people the Narcissist ‘uses’are deeply caring, intelligent, and empathic human beings who wish to please others, who are slow to judge, who are excessively tolerant and who have an eye for digging up the good to be found in others. Narcissists know how to CHARM but exploit it to their own advantage and surround themselves with ‘special support’ or minions that protect them. It is their association with these type of people that maximizes the Narcissists chances of perpetuating or keeping their “FAUX” façade and themselves from exposure. Remember a Narcissist is really in conflict with themselves and so they will keep up this façade as if it is a matter of life and death because without it they would not be functional in OUR world.

Most everyone only sees the Narcissist as what he/she APPEARS to be on the outside or the mask they wear and the façade they create for us. Few really know what they truly are, and those few that DO get to know them and dare to ever oppose them WILL be demeaned, debased and destroyed – or better yet annihilated – BUT do they really know what hit them as in being attacked/abused by a Narcissist?

It is not within our best interest to challenge them because the mask that Narcissist wears has been perfected AND a tool for them. They will also be praised by many of their supporters or followers they have conned into their world – as well as the fact that Narcissists are dirty fighters when you oppose them. Anything we say will always fall on deaf ears because the Narcissists does NOT self-reflect – all of this chaos is self-created so they CAN control others. Also REMEMBER these many adorers are also another source of supply to the Narcissist, or the minions that praise them in life and hold the Narcissist’s mask in place for them. The Narcissist works every aspect of life ESPECIALLY with their weak minions that sing the Narcissists praises and protect their fake integrity. A Narcissist KNOWS who to surround themselves with! What becomes of us if we threaten the Narcissist’s balance is that we are cast out as some sort of trouble maker, isolated, stigmatized, or even described as mentally insane. How dare us for saying that the Narcissist is anything but the perfection they so adeptly personify! A Narcissist is definitely on top of their GAME!

To coin a familiar phrase and to drive the point home, the most dangerous predators among us are ingeniously masked, veiled or disguised. Narcissists carefully surround themselves with people entirely UNLIKE themselves or their minions and flying monkeys. Basically, the people a Narcissists uses as a shield to embellish their ‘voided’ personality OR to avoid exposure. Usually these people the Narcissist ‘uses’are deeply caring, intelligent, and empathic human beings who wish to please others, who are slow to judge, who are excessively tolerant and who have an eye for digging up the good to be found in others. Narcissists know how to CHARM but exploit it to their own advantage and surround themselves with ‘special support’ or minions that protect them. It is their association with these type of people that maximizes the Narcissists chances of perpetuating or keeping their “FAUX” façade and themselves from exposure. Remember a Narcissist is really in conflict with themselves and so they will keep up this façade as if it is a matter of life and death because without it they would not be functional in OUR world.

Unfortunately, pathological Narcissists are so clever that certain people will simply never be able to penetrate their mask or disguise, no matter what or how apparent the truth is! One reason Narcissists are so successful is that they have come to believe their own lies and that is why they are so good at creating that charming and amazing façade. The Narcissist is the ‘creator’ of their world with their own vision of themselves in this world, they are the ‘ruler’ or dictator of this world and they make up all of the rules, regulations and laws. What could be more real to a Narcissist than their own delusions all packaged up neatly in a little world of their own that they alone rule? Without any rules, feelings, character, personality, heart, soul, or a mind that can rationalize empathy then it is ‘all go’ in their world!

The Narcissist’s world lacks all reality and principle which yields an inconsistency of morals so anything and everything goes in their world – NO MATTER WHAT THE COST IS TO ANYBODY. Remember the flip side of this as well – Narcissists are NOT consistent and they despise anyone that is consistent with their ethics, goodness, life, etc., because it exposes the Narcissist’s inconsistency and a constant reminder of the Narcissist’s own self-deception. Like garlic to a vampire – they will hiss at it, try to destroy it, and run off into the darkness if confronted.

I can’t emphasize enough just how much people underestimate the truth/reality of the destructive and pathological Narcissist who operates behind that facade of FAUX respectability, morality, empathy, and flawed truth. They are abusive to people, families, organizations, and life in general. The pathological Narcissist is a long-term planner or plotter, like one of those brilliant chess players who can see the whole board and then plans ten or more moves ahead to WIN. It is almost impossible for anyone to uncover the complex and multi-layered schemes of a Narcissist unless you are entirely aware of the pathological depths of the level of malicious intelligence that they use to manipulate people and hide their disordered self – THEY ARE ALWAYS MANY STEPS AHEAD OF THE GAME. So, to know one requires knowledge we don’t have, OR could never understand if we did possess it and even if we did unlock all of the truth we couldn’t fix them or even relate – so basically we are always left wide open to being perpetually manipulated and deceived. That is just how good they are at this game to get their supply AND get away with their abuse. We could never engage in a war with them either because they fight so dirty with lies and exaggerations that can completely destroy their victim’s integrity and life. It is like coming upon a poisonous snake, you know that once they start coiling back to strike at you that if you don’t disengage they WILL bite and their venom can and will kill you so you back away slowly so as to not aggravate them and then get as far away as possible.

We are ALL targets of this abuse because it is never singular in nature because it destroys whole families, organizations, businesses, etc., and they have the right camouflage to hide among us and to protect themselves from being exposed. They are unstable, extremely envious, and the chaos they inflict annihilates anybody that crosses their path. When we accept that and close the book to the emotions or whatever binds us to them, then we can accept the ugly truth and start to move on! You cannot engage in their battles because even if you try the lateral damage they will cause with their relentless attacks on your integrity and life will take up so much of your time and energy in an attempt to fix what they have harmed or destroyed. So a little wisdom – you just need to walk away and write off the damage they have caused to save your sanity and more losses. They only step up their abuse when we have moved on or they have discarded us – so it is best to just discard everything about them and move onto healing and recovery because there is nothing more important than getting away and getting to that healthy place that YOU once resided again.

Lastly the awareness that others may have is a constant source of anxiety for the Narcissist and thus a huge need to constantly control their immediate world. The Narcissist is VERY aware of the limitations surrounding their facade of lies. When people talk with one another, they begin to acquire a much larger perspective of things OR the real truth and they begin to see a bigger picture of the Narcissist. The pathological Narcissist CAN’T afford to have people talking amongst themselves and sharing stories. So he/she will go to great lengths and carefully produce very devious and underhanded schemes to keep people divided. The Narcissist will create division among friends or colleagues by planting lies about one person to another, and then more lies about another and so on and so forth. This can be a successful strategy because no one expects a highly intelligent adult to be carrying on like a scheming child or an emotionally disturbed adolescent. And since most of us want to trust as well as avoid confrontation, it is much easier to believe that charming liar and move on. This is the Narcissist’s damage control to protect their abusive agenda.

Again, WE MUST understand that this abuse is intentional and as much as the person (abuser) was such a personal part of us, it was purely the act of an emotionally and psychologically UNBALANCED and deviant human being. It seems insurmountable to try to erase what was reality to us as nothing more than a Narcissist sourcing us out to provide themselves with what they only needed to survive. Why do they go through such lengths to do this and why also destroy good people? Well I would say because it works for them, it gives them power to control us and maintain their constant supply from us because they need us AND most importantly they get away with it as most of us have experienced! What other reason would motivate a person to act in this manner toward a person that is unconditional and loving? Yes, it is how they are wired, no empathy, no emotions, and they CAN’T love. But why do they destroy and damage people when it is bad enough to extort people of their valuable lives and always have a knife to their back ready to destroy them at any given moment? WELL because they have to protect themselves from exposure – pure and simple. They are thieves, thugs and psycho bullies as well as destructive and dangerous so never stay a moment longer with them once you know the truth. Their truth is hidden behind so many lies, so if they can lie so easily to themselves to protect their damaged self they will most assuredly lie to us and about us to keep their dirty secrets! YOU deserve so much more like your freedom and happiness! NO/MINIMAL CONTACT! Greg

THE TRUTH – What it comes down to is that we ALL have an expiration date with a Narcissist. There is NEVER a person that a Narcissists likes, cares for, or ever loves – it was just our turn to be their latest source of supply or their latest fix.

THE TRUTH – What it comes down to is that we ALL have an expiration date with a Narcissist. There is NEVER a person that a Narcissists likes, cares for, or ever loves – it was just our turn to be their latest source of supply or their latest fix.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

What it all comes down to – THE DISCARD – after the Narcissist has gotten everything he/she wanted from you and has probably secured other new targets for supply, they move on without a care. We were ONLY a COMPONENT in what was an agenda of a disordered Narcissist seeking out to extort supply from us and anybody else. This is just day to day business with a Narcissist seeking out or better yet extorting people and life. People are expendable and interchangeable to them BUT people are a resource the Narcissist NEEDS to survive and we are replaced quite readily.

For any victim/target, this process is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you so much time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem, your career or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to this relationship. It may have become your entire life, even having a family with a Narcissist. For the Narcissist however, the whole process isn’t really personal AT ALL! The Narcissist WILL do the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him/her into their intimate life. We are all reduced to and considered OBJECTS and possible supply – and life is a department store where the Narcissist shops for the SPECIFIC supply they desire – but they would be more aptly described as “shoplifters” because they feel completely entitled to take whatever they desire AND when they desire it!

They will do it again and again to everyone they seduce into their lair of manipulation, lies, and betrayal. It’s not about you or me, and it is not about the other people involved who are new/extra supply, the many partners they were with sexually, the minions the Narcissist employ in their game and set against you, or the many ‘others” the Narcissist used to make you compete and/or jealous – all of this is supply to validate Narcissist’s ego, to give him/her pleasure, to meet his/her fickle needs. There is no person or supply that means anything more or less than any other supply.

The Narcissist wasn’t with them (the new/extra supply) because they are/were superior to you. The Narcissist was with them for the same reason that he/she was with you or me – to extort and use them, perhaps for different purposes than the Narcissist used you, but with the same devastating effect – abuse. The Narcissist will invariably treat others in a very similar way to how he/she treated you. Idealize, devalue and discard is the Narcissist utilizing and processing its target/victim into what we believe is a ‘relationship’ to secure or harvest supply – then move on to the next. It was/ is and will always be only about the Narcissist’s need to extort people and life. Our abuse is the outcome of the process (idealize, devalue and discard). They win us over with their pathological seduction to control us and USE US to satisfy all their needs for as long as you stay with the Narcissist. WE ARE ALL SUPPLY AND TEMPORARY.

SO THE WHY to the great production and then the discard – simply because he/she has gotten everything they wanted out of you. Taking away your dignity, happiness, spirit and your life demand by demand, concession by concession, negative word by negative word and every perverted action to betray every aspect of your goodness even destroying your self-esteem by demeaning, debasing, and making fun of you. As it turns out, the reward you get for all of your care, friendship, devotion, efforts and love — is nearly being destroyed by a psychopath/narcissist. You were manipulated and even brain-washed to ignore your own needs and to only fulfill the Narcissist’s every need and to gain their approval back over and over again. ALL OF THIS after tricking you into believing they were real and there was substance behind their words and actions when there were NONE! The Narcissist has transformed you into a mere shadow of the awesome, good, warm, wonderful, lively, confident human being you once were.

Nothing was ever real – those four words sum it up completely. This is the abuse and the target/victim is left vulnerable to sort all of this abuse out with more loss to come with the secret smear campaign that awaits them. There may be children involved, financial ruin, and even homelessness. So what is just so hard to believe for the naysayers that have to doubt that this abuse is worthy of recognition and just respond with “move on?” Or the minions that are just that weak that they hang on to the every word/lie a Narcissist speaks and follows them into battle to help destroy a target/victim? The Narcissist is just that seductive and intuitive enough to brain-wash so many people into believing their con. These are abusive predators and extortionist and they are destructive. You can run from these creatures, but you better run as fast as you can because they will run you over and drag you back every opportunity you give them. NO CONTACT and boundaries that are impenetrable. Always remember this is THEIR circus, their monkeys, and their KARMA – none of this was YOUR fault or had to do with anything YOU are or did to them! It all starts with no/minimal contact to end this chaos and abuse so you can (and will) move onto a healthy and good life. Greg

Narcissists are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.

Narcissists are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim. They weaponize communication with every single transaction they have with us – using familiarity, our likes and dislikes, our secrets, our fears, and anything else they can!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists use a vast arsenal of tools to debase, dehumanize and eventually destroy a person’s self-esteem, and overall spirit – this is psychological abuse pure and simple and they are ABUSERS. We have all heard this many times over, and it is a fact that these words are 100% true – BUT beyond this truth is the reality that there are many targets/victims that have to deal with the destruction caused by a malignant Narcissist. These targets/victims are not just wives, husbands, partners, but also biological children, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers and any other human being in every walk of life!

Narcissists CHARM people into their world and then reduce their spirits to worthlessness AND feeling so vulnerable and THAT is when they start with the psychological terrorism so that they can control their minds and basically use them or harvest them as a source of supply. A Narcissist will employ cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse and shrewd manipulative linguistic or language patterns to CONTROL people around them and force them to question their own sanity and reality AND in turn become dependent on the Narcissist for their reality. Narcissists will also smear their target/victim’s good nature/name behind their back destroying their integrity to others (friends, family, co-workers) so that THEY will also start questioning the sanity of the target/victim. It is like a game of “power and control” through the use of these various methods so that the Narcissist’s is always in charge of their immediate environment and controlling every aspect of it with lies, false appearances, triangulation, coning people, isolating their victims, etc. Narcissists have everybody around them fooled by their charm that hides their true pathological nature and that is what makes them dangerous because behind that mask of sanity is their deceptive agenda that will drain a victim of their worth, erase their personality, and then the Narcissist will just move onto another victim or victims!

When communicating, discussing, debating, or arguing with a Narcissist, a target/victim usually finds themselves at a COMPLETE dead-end. The target/victim’s logic always becomes incompatible or discombobulated with that of the Narcissist and the victim always get purposely outwitted and then steered in the opposite direction from the original topic, especially if it is around questioning them (the Narcissist) or accountability as it concerns the Narcissist. Basically, communicating with them is like walking through a “House of Mirrors” at a carnival. Every thought you express is distorted in so many different ways that you don’t even recognize the original thought and it causes complete confusion– just like your image in the many mirrors that are created to distort your image and make you lose track of your original starting point and destination.

THIS is my favorite analogy of how Narcissists negate most everything just to manage us down a little bit more and then even more! If you say the sky is blue the Narcissist will somehow negate the possibility of it being blue to make you wrong. The Narcissist may even hint that you have certain psychological issues concerning your thoughts about the sky being blue because he/she wants to manage you down. The Narcissist will back it up with concerns that your friends, family, or associates have about your “wild allegations” of the sky being BLUE. Then the Narcissist will accuse you of having an affair and using your story of the “blue sky” as a diversion tactic to trick THEM. Finally, that Narcissist will employ punishment and the silent treatment because of your argumentative views, lies and betrayal concerning your “blue sky” story. The Narcissist then runs out to find a little extra supply on the side to betray you since they now have some “free time” after the chaotic and wild “blue sky” story that has left you in shock, silenced and isolated. After a day or so they come back and tell you that IN FACT the sky is now blue as if the issue over the blue sky never even came up at all AND PERHAPS YOU OVERREACTED! You MAY even get flowers, or dinner, BUT you end up paying for it as usual! OH – and they will tell you that they were taking care of a sick relative and that is why you didn’t hear from them for that day or so that they disappeared. Do we call this denial on the Narcissist’s part that they are just this delusional or are they just denying us access to them using all of these “crazy and chaotic” diversions that deflect us away from the truth about them so they can get away with everything and anything? I say it is all diversions!

The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication to divert reality and cause chaos so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is at that very moment because THIS IS HOW THEY FUNCTION. This agenda is many things, but basically to secure supply, from us and from whoever else is willing to give them supply – it supports their false mask/persona. It took me a while to understand just how this worked, as well as how my Narcissist would divert from every aspect of their life/lifestyle. Everything was always a mystery as far as the past and present. Let me put it this way – everything was MEANT to be kept this way so I would never learn the truth about this Narcissist’s abusive past, out-of-control lifestyle, as well as a perverted lifestyle. Any time I would speak to this Narcissist’s mother I would find out about something that this Narcissist had lied about AND I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK because the truth just always seemed to come out on its own. So, you can imagine just how much this Narcissist was lying, re-writing history and every other little diabolical action. I was always kept at a distance from the Narcissist’s family, but of course told that I never made an attempt to get to know them – AGAIN just more diversion. Remember everything is OUR fault even the very horrendous things they do to us!

Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask, so beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live and we SUPPORT.

How does a simple question concerning accountability turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are and they HAVE to protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. They can NEVER see that real and horrible image of themselves reflected from any of us – that is why they create their amazing facades so the only reflection they see is the one they create that is all lies. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade. In the end when we KNOW the real truth they do a preemptive and silent attack with their smear campaign to completely destroy our integrity so no one will believe us when we start to tell the truth about this pathological critter.

Beneath that thin mask the Narcissist wears is the reality of their pathological self PLUS their WHOLE past of victims/targets they have abused and a raging temper that is like a volcano that can erupt at any given moment. YES, they are aware of their actions because they use lie after lie to cover up their abuse – but they just do not have the mechanics to care. Like a child that stole a piece of candy and lies about it to avoid being punished – so does the Narcissist at a monumental level. Remember their past is always following them and should they ever stop for a moment it will catch up with them and completely consume them because they are abusers that have damaged many people’s lives – even their own family. When the going gets tough the Narcissist gets going – so they are off and running to new supply ALWAYS surrounding themselves with a protective circle of new targets/victims, NEW LIES, as well as a new and WONDEROUS life to shore up their disordered facade AGAIN – and this equation ALWAYS includes the demise/destruction of the previous source of supply and the “believers” that support the delusional Narcissist! Thus, the cycle of abuse – they are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.

A Narcissist will also create vivid situations where they start a conversation off with an agenda in mind – one to create a smokescreen or diversion of some sort. They confuse the target/victim with chaos to perhaps divert a situation into an argument to be able to sneak out and secure some supply they acquired on the side, or just to debase a target/victim and keep them walking on eggshells or to cause constant anxiety to keep us CONDITIONED and a slave to their pathology. This is like being a POW or prisoner of war to the Narcissist – torture and all! This is what they do because what lives inside of them is such a disordered personality that if we were to even have a small glimpse of what they really are I believe we would be shocked even more by the reality of ALL THE TRUTH. I learned this about my Narcissist through talking to their friends and family and I never imagined that there was even more than what I experienced but there was/is, and the truth was beyond a capacity for me to understand. We see the tip of the iceberg and what is hidden beneath the water is monumental in size and so destructive to many people, especially IF THE TRUTH WOULD GET OUT!

Lies and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing reality, but the Narcissist also does this with an agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives, then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity! BUT here is the truth – you are an amazing person, you have all of your mental facilities, you can love, you have great empathy, and you are STRONG because you survived this and are here today. You will recover from this and be free from this abuser. It all starts now with education, knowledge and support. You will align with all of this and the truth of your situation and purge all of the abuse out of your life. It is a process that requires time but it is worth it because you will get your good life back and freedom. It all starts with no/minimal contact to get the clarity you need! Greg

NOT a soulmate – but a SOULESS-mate.

NOT a soulmate – but a SOULESS-mate.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist’s reign of terror and destruction begins with small negative comments about the victim. The Narcissist will begin to mentally disassemble the victim’s self-esteem and beliefs about themselves and the relationship. What was once considered the perfect relationship now becomes a relationship that is unnerving, controlling, debasing, dehumanizing, gut wrenching, unstable and full of blame and shame. The victim is constantly kept emotionally and psychologically off balance by the insidious behaviors of their narcissistic partner.

Here are some examples of their day to day behavior where they control and diminish their target: The Narcissist will make plans with the victim and cancel at the last minute. The Narcissist will talk only of themselves and THEIR needs and desires. If the victim dares to express a personal need, the Narcissist will instantaneously strike, like a venomous snake to harshly remind the victim that the Narcissist needs are more important. The narcissist will talk of making plans with the victim for their future and then the next day speaks of the future only in terms of the Narcissist’s future. The Narcissist will conveniently forget to pay back money he/she has borrowed from the victim as well as conveniently undermining many daily activities to make the victim seem and even feel unstable. The Narcissist is disassembling the victim’s self-esteem, spirit, psyche and ENTIRE life little by little to gain complete control and drain the target/victim completely of every resource they can. This is considered brain-washing and even terrorizing a victim into submission through these destructive CONTROL tactics. Remember this Narcissist is also pursuing supply on the side that the target/victim will soon come to realize so the betrayal is a HUGE issue as well.

To take it further – I want to share a two part list that describes the typical pattern (clinical) that the Narcissist uses to control their partner as well as how they bump it up to a higher level by debasing their partner with my personal examples and experiences:

•Consistently blaming and criticizing me for everything and anything – my cooking wasn’t that great (I am a chef), or my gifts had strings attached.

•Constantly trying to make me feel inferior by manipulating every situation and turning everything around to make me feel wrong for just thinking and stating normal everyday thoughts or feelings.

•Idealizing me, and then pushing me away constantly.

•Making me accept or go along with the Narcissist’s delusional fantasies or accepting all of the delusional lies as fact or the truth or else.

•Projecting their unwanted parts onto me like I was the sexual addict, or had a terrible temper or pathological liar.

•Trying to make me accept their negative emotions by constantly forcing them down my throat.

•Raging at me at the drop of a dime.

•Assassinating my character that included making fun of me.

•Embarrassing me in public in subtle ways in front of me or behind my back.

•Being demeaning and cruel to try to make me feel horrible about myself.

•Turning people against me with lies or using familiar information I shared and twisting it into with a negative spin attached to inflict damage.

•Telling lies about me to friends, family and co-workers (triangulation).

•Having to be right in EVERY situation.

In one breath my Narcissist would say I was “the one,” “we were soul mates, and the perfect person the Narcissist had searched for all of their life. I was praised for being intelligent, physically attractive; I had wit and charm, as well as many wonderful accomplishments. Then in an about face this Narcissist would find fault with everything I did, criticize the way I looked by making fun of me, denigrate my profession as a chef instructor calling me a cook that only serviced other people, scream at me, tell me I had no breeding or culture, had an ugly home, had no friends, was thoughtless, unaffectionate, selfish, etc.

When I wouldn’t conform to the Narcissist’s delusions, the methods to control and debase me were bumped up to a higher level:

• Using emotional blackmail, especially fear, obligation and guilt with comments that ALWAYS involved finding someone to replace me – I was just this horrible person and real love was just around the corner for this Narcissist.

• Keeping track of my movements and then saying I was someplace else or having an affair – projection of course!

• Putting me in no-win situations that were false accusations about me doing something wrong and usually around the singular fact that I was having multiple affairs – projection of course again!

• Isolating me from my friends and family stating that they had “strong” concerns about my mental abilities!

• Making threats to leave if the Narcissist didn’t get their way by making me submit to the delusional lies as if I was the immoral person, mentally ill, a liar, etc., as well as GETTING HELP for all of these delusional lies!

• Contacting my sister, or friends with stories about me harassing or being abusive, and threats to sue me or call the police with false accusations when I wouldn’t submit to a “rage” attack!

• Breaking up with me every other week and then apologizing and begging to get back together – and usually after the Narcissist was out having ANOTHER affair!

• Creating constant chaos with crazy making and more accusations about things I was doing like I threw a cinder block through the Narcissists window while I was driving by!

• Insisting I believed the Narcissists lies – usually about affairs and accountability denying there were affairs (even though this Narcissist was caught red handed), but here is the clincher – threatening me to have affairs if I didn’t change and then saying in the next breath just how MORAL they were so obviously the Narcissist’s definition of morality was very flexible as it concerned the Narcissist’s actions.

• Taking advantage of me as well as my family.

• Monitoring my computer usage even breaking into it and constantly searching for anything to use against me – which there was nothing, BUT again this Narcissist would magically turn the slightest thing into a Narcissistic extravaganza of rage and crazy making.

• Withholding sex and affection and saying it was me doing this.

• Forcing or intimidating me to have sexual activities.

• Giving me the silent treatment constantly.

• Pressuring me to submit and behave as the Narcissist wanted me to so that they could do whatever they wanted without accountability.

• Putting threatening thoughts in my head about my pups with crazy statements like “I hope nobody would ever hurt these puppies.” Who would ever utter those words out of the blue?

• Expecting me to ask permission never allowing me to be a real partner or better yet a real person.

• Acting extremely jealous.

• Stepping over my personal boundaries constantly.

• Not ever respecting my privacy – instead this Narcissist would invade my personal space in every possible manner to try to make me feel threatened or insecure.

• Pushing me to engage in horrendous arguments that came from nowhere because this Narcissist needed to silence me to free up time to secure a little extra supply, then taunt me later with text messages about being with someone else.

A common narcissistic personality disorder trait is pathological lying especially as it concerns their false self AND the mask of deceit they wear. Everything and anything is a constant threat to their false self. I didn’t even have to say something to evoke an injury it could happen in response to a situation that the Narcissist perceived as a threat and then the bombs would start flying.

The narcissist is a very disturbing person to deal with after the “honeymoon phase” is over. The Narcissist can easily catch people off guard, and unless you have a history with them they are hard to detect. The narcissist resides emotionally and mentally in his/her delusional world, and the reality of the situation is that they cannot distinguish between fiction and fantasy or they choose not to.

When I was confronted by this Narcissist, my empathy would kick in first and I believed they were genuine, yet I felt that something was just not right, or the narcissist didn’t have the facts straight, but as time went on I became so turned around and twisted up by the lies, manipulation, brainwashing, gas-lighting, etc., that I felt like I was losing my mind.

If it wasn’t for a tragedy occurring in my life that pulled my attention in another direction, I would have been overtaken completely by the destructive Narcissist. The fog cleared because I broke what I call their state of hypnosis they put us in. Some say it is an addiction, I say it is psychological abuse or terrorism pure and simple! Recovery is a process of escaping from their psychological terrorism and brain-washing and that has to start with NO CONTACT so that the fog from their abuse lifts!

REMEMBER – everything a Narcissist has absorbed or learned about you is now being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to charm you because they know your likes and they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! They will also use personal information and trusted information AGAINST you to triangulate and backstab. Again – the connection with them is built around mirroring YOUR very persona and how they can and will manipulate it (with familiarity) to control you. There is no you in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again it is control! Greg

The whole world is a stage for the Narcissist to act out their every story and we all have our roles to make their story work for THEM.

The whole world is a stage for the Narcissist to act out their every story and we all have our roles to make their story work for THEM.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

The most important aspect of understanding a Narcissist and this abuse is how they objectify people and put them in a useful place to serve their every need. This can be anything from the person that is in a romantic relationship with them, friends, a co-worker, a minion to support the Narcissist’s lies, parents, biological children, their ex’s or basically EVERYONE serves a purpose to keep that false mask firmly attached to the Narcissist’s head. We are players in an elaborate stage production that the Narcissist writes and rewrites called “My Delusional Life of Lies.”

YES, we do all have our separate roles! Some of us have primary roles, secondary roles and some have bit parts. But none of us are looked upon as anything more than a reflection of the Narcissist’s needs and we are used to embellish a convincing and FALSE self for the Narcissist to wear, as well as serve them. They really do make the most of their delusional needs with outrageous lies, manipulation, betrayal and the whole nine yards. If we don’t play these roles in the exact manner that the Narcissist basically demands of us we are bullied back into our role or abandoned from the elaborate stage production and even punished. There are always new players added to the production as the Narcissist sees fit, or for whatever opportunity may arise that serves the Narcissist’s delusional world. There is no commitment to any one person at any time or love in the least bit EVEN though it seems that way. The Narcissist is playing everyone from the very moment they meet or come in contact with them AND until the Narcissist sees no further need for this person in their life. YES, this does include having multiple relationships as well. Unfortunately we are always the last to know because that mask is firmly cemented onto the Narcissist with abundant charm and LIES that are used to divert from MANY lies, betrayal, and accountability.

This elaborate production is even ‘taken on the road’ with the Narcissist EVERYWHERE as long as it draws huge crowds and pays the Narcissist’s bills (extorting us), and supplies their needs and wants. Once the Narcissist is bored with their production, or the players quit, they completely move on and re-write a new stage production for themselves with brand new characters. BUT they make sure to burn down the theater where their last production took place. Narcissists are only as successful as long as they receive supply from a support network. They are not normal functioning human beings, because their out-of-control needs always harm/destroy, cause havoc and chaos to everyone around them. They destroy lives, and even organizations where they may volunteer, work or be any part of.

Narcissists need to find people they can manipulate, even tricking them into falling in love, but the Narcissist’s version of love involves complete compliance, constant support, admiration, loss of freedom, basically doing everything for the Narcissist as well as dealing with their abuse and a neediness that is beyond words, because they are a non-functional and highly disordered person. Your part in this relationship will NEVER be enough and your commitment to them will destroy your self-worth and well-being. There is never enough any one person could do for a Narcissist because the Narcissist can never feel any sort of gratification because they completely objectify all people or basically use them. Their constant need for more and more supply is their addiction and they will trample any person down to get to a new source of that supply WITHOUT a care to the damage they inflict. The basis of any relationship with them is built on all lies and that catches up with them – BUT they will turn the truth around onto their victim and blame and shame them into fear from the retribution of us knowing the real truth about them – that is when that mask comes off and we see the real wrath of this creature. This is the true nature of the Narcissist or a creature that is disconnected from people in this world because they feel omnipotent or rule supreme over everybody else and their connection to any of us is born ONLY OUT OF THEIR NEEDS and not ours. What else could an empty soul offer to any of us if they have no real emotions or empathy.

What this boils down to is that they are by far delusional and dysfunctional and IN DENIAL of just how disordered they are. As long as they have new lies and new supply they shore up their delusions and then move on with a trail of destruction behind them. As nasty as their discard was as well as the smear campaign they are literally running from us to avoid exposure. They are basically cowards that can and will destroy people with hideous lies.

I read a post where a member asked just what do we actually grieve, and that really hit a chord with me. Yes, what do we grieve – love? Well there never was love because we were tricked/conned into this and then discarded like a bag of garbage left on the curb. Do we throw out the memories too? Yes we have to because there were never any real memories, only extreme manipulation and lies to support the ‘big lie and con job.’ What about the biological children and the many years an ex-spouse put into the family. This is the abhorrent reality of this abuse. It is not simply emotional abuse because it shatters families, people, dreams, goals, and normality. This abuse is never singular because it does involve families, friends, co-workers and anyone else close to the target/victim. So what then do we grieve? Well we deal with a great deal of psychological/emotional damage from a disordered creature that betrayed us in such a horrendous manner so perhaps we grieve the immense loss of a place we once had in life where we felt trust and love because that is now shattered and we are left traumatized trying to believe if we will ever find that place again after this sadistic betrayal that was intentionally inflicted on our lives. What else is there but the truth and it is beyond our capacity to accept any of this yet alone find closure to something we can barely understand or accept because of our natural empathy and love for life. This is exactly what we have to overcome and that is what our recovery and healing is born from or accepting the truth through a strong education to understand that this was abuse as hard as it may be to do so and situational. In other words this abuse does not define us – it was inflicted on us!

Their care, friendship, or love never existed it was only the reflection of us and our goodness that they mimic back to us in a manipulating manner to keep us believing in them so they can take more and more. Their actions are no different than physically abusing us. Whether it is a punch to the face or a punch to our mind they are hideous, lying, and destructive creatures. It will take a long time to get past this damage – this is true BUT you can and will heal from this. A hit to the mind is a deep and damaging wound that many do not see because it is not a physical wound like a black eye. For the victim it is so hard to comprehend and accept that someone THEY cared or loved could be so malevolent and destructive to actually malign and disable them through a deviant manipulation of using that very love they offered so realistically and unconditionally. In that I have made amends in my life with this abuse, I remember all too well the damage to myself and my family. I learned early on to voice the truth loudly. I rejected the abuse and kept speaking out and will continue to do this to educate people so they do not stumble through healing by not knowing what hit them like I did.

This abuse is hideous and NOBODY deserves the losses associated with what amounts to dehumanization and the complete extortion of lives and love. There is education, strength, and healing in the numbers of people now speaking out about this abuse and a testament to the reality of these abusers and that is where we MUST seek out the support we need. My account as well as everybody else’s story is incredulous, because the damage from this abuse is all too real to individuals and families. Together we have to help each and every person that crosses the threshold of this abuse so that they can recover by understanding the truth and find closure – that is what lights the way for all of us. Together we heal. No/minimal contact to start of a journey to recovery! Greg

One of the most obvious signs of malignant narcissism is the way they constantly malign others.

One of the most obvious signs of malignant narcissism is the way they constantly malign others. They are constantly remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider that love should never hurt a person nor take them down a road of destruction.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist’s self-regulating and controlling mechanics always involves pulling people into their lair and extracting information from them AND in turn using this information for whatever GAIN they desire or to use against them! Be it the CHARM or love bombing to harvest their main sources of supply, or people to prop up their hideous façade of saintliness. If that entails being, charming, exciting, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it – just technique!

Their abuse is not only confined to a single person, but instead it is a complex network that includes their primary and secondary supply sources as well as their supportive adoring friends, family members, all of which are basically seduced into their roles too! The Narcissist NEEDS this network to survive (ALL supply) as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them. They need a network of people to support their ‘needy needs’ so this is a full-time job for them to control the world around them. BUT the key element is that they are always on the defensive and everybody is essentially an enemy or someone to use for support because their world is full of lies and holes as it concerns the pretend reality they PRESENT to us! They are quite used to getting busted and we all have an expiration date with them – so there is ALWAYS the devaluation and smear campaign for them to prepare for and that is why they have been gathering information AND releasing it (backstabbing) well before they are gone — so they have been backstabbing us all throughout the relationship to set up their farewell and total attack on our life.

So with that in mind the Narcissist is ALSO grooming others WITH a deceptive agenda – DIVIDE AND CONQUER. They feel such an intense high or euphoria when they play people against each other, ESPECIALLY when it becomes a competition for them to gain adulation/adoration. Narcissists will absolutely manufacture situations to make you jealous and question their connection with you, relationship, and even fidelity in a so-called love connection. They will even make you think that the people closest to you are talking behind your back. The Narcissist will present the allegations as a concern of course to minimalize the real agenda to put wedges in between you and the people closest to you. The reverse is also true because the Narcissist will go to the people closest to you and make them believe you have said things about them as well – AND only out of concern of course! This basically isolates you from the people closest to you and forces you to become dependent on the concerned Narcissist. Pure deception that destroys you as well as your integrity.

. Remember there is always a bigger picture AND rhyme to their reason – so they are doing this with everyone AND putting that wedge in between people with a bit of their back-stabbing to compartmentalize people or divide and conquer. They triangulate with your family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, co-workers, neighbors, ex partners, and yes potential new supply (but they usually do that on the side so we are none the wiser.) Whatever the situation they will triangulate so this even happens within the Narcissist’s own family structure and with their friends, etc. They are essentially triangulating everybody to stay in charge and control of their immediate world by playing one person against the next.

I often would wonder why destruction is also a component to this abuse. Just why doesn’t this Narcissist use their fake love to keep us entangled in their world to achieve everlasting supply. Well the answer is quite simple – without emotions and empathy they are cut off at the knees because there is no human bond or love within them so it is all about control which always has to have that destruction as a working component. Most importantly in understanding this is without the ability to bond with anyone they just get bored and need new and more exciting supply for affirmation like an addict needs their fix or substance to feed their addiction and believe me they are always searching for it. Normal people grow with their care and ability to love but not with a Narcissist. Just like a child with a new toy that they become bored with, they cast it off for another new toy. YES we are just like a toy to them or an object and that is all – that is why they can act so hateful without flinching because they do not care and can not care – but they can imitate those emotions like a pro when we are shiny and new to them, but then we see the truth behind the façade. We are only a TOOL for them as long as we provide continual supply for them or an OBSTACLE to destroy when we get in the way of their VAST amount of needs or until something else comes along. No/minimal contact to get them completely out of your life. Greg

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