When the Narcissist wants something from you, they will tell you what you want to hear, or do what they need to do to get what they want.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
So, is a Narcissist aware of their behavior and that what they are doing is wrong? Yes, and no. Some of their behaviors are so ingrained in their neural pathways that they’ve become habitual and they usually don’t give it much thought – BUT that doesn’t make it right OR they are unaware of what they do. But when a Narcissist is stalking prey and trying to get what he/she wants AND in the moment that Narcissist is aware of what they are doing. The Narcissist has perfected their game plan and attack and knows that they are misleading you, but they just don’t care.
We all understand that if we want ‘something’ to happen we must do ‘something’ to achieve the desired result and so does the Narcissist. If you look at the manipulative aspect of a Narcissist, YES they are aware that they are manipulating you, just part of the covert operation to seduce you in. So you must believe that when they want something from you, they will tell you what you want hear, or do what they need to do to get what they want, knowing full well that he/she is lying, betraying, as well as the Narcissist has absolutely no intention of delivering on any promises that they made WITHIN the manipulation process. The Narcissist wants ABSOLUTELY everything on THEIR terms and they don’t concern themselves with how you will feel about it OR anything about YOU. You are ONE of MANY opportunities that the Narcissist uses to get everything that they want – but they are seamless with the seduction to get you to give into whatever it is they want and make you think you are their ‘one and only!’
Think about the distorted behavior of a drug addict. They will lie, steal, cheat, and manipulate to get their next fix. They most certainly know what they are doing is wrong, but they don’t care, because THEY NEED THAT NEW FIX. This ‘not caring’ has been going on so long that every time they find themselves in a moral conundrum, it gets easier and easier to justify their behavior. All they concern themselves with is getting their next hit or fix, regardless of the consequences to anyone else. The Narcissist in an amazingly similar fashion does EXACTLY the same thing AND all the Narcissist concerns themselves with is obtaining their much-needed supply and this outweighs all other considerations.
Most people are guided by their healthy and good conscience and stable or good people govern their actions based on real feelings, healthy morals, compassion and the ability to put themselves in another person’s shoes. But what happens when you don’t have any type of moral compass, or when you lack empathy? When none of that is present what is left? To answer this question, you need to know exactly what you are dealing with and the level of their emotional impairment. With a Narcissist you are dealing with an emotionally and psychologically abusive person that is dangerous to people and life in general!
All of us are able to rationalize and justify our actions to some degree, a Narcissist just does it on a grander and very delusional scale. Mainly because they are missing or completely void of integral emotional components that impairs their ability to consider the feelings of others. Because a Narcissist doesn’t consider how their actions will affect you, there isn’t really a right or wrong component included in their decision-making process. Since your feelings were never even a tiny consideration to him/her, and when the Narcissist hurts you they can easily absolve themselves of any wrong doing because hurting you wasn’t something they necessarily intended to do, it was just part of the collateral damage to get what they wanted. If you are hurt that is your fault. I remember my Narcissist’s mother saying to me one time that ‘so and so’ (my Narcissist) would lie when they were a child if they did something that would hurt somebody’s feelings, because the little Narcissist wanted to protect the feelings of others. No consideration of what the little Narcissist did that was very wrong that hurt the person (accountability,) but somehow there was goodness in lying to cover up the truth. I am sure my eyebrows were raised at the time! Now that the little Narcissist is all grown up and they do it on a magnanimous scale and destroy families. Trickledown effect?
The bottom line is, whether or not a Narcissist is aware their behavior is wrong is irrelevant as it concerns us. The question you should be asking yourself is, ‘Why am I still involved with a person who displays this destructive Narcissistic behavior?’ ‘What am I getting out of this,’ AND most importantly ‘when am I getting out of this?’ When these ‘what’s and when’s’ appear in our vocabulary it is usually too late because at that point we realize that we have lived in a horrible battle zone called emotional and psychological abuse and the damage is done.
The emotionally unavailable behavior of a Narcissists quite clearly points to the fact that this is a relationship that is totally one-sided. The façade to cover up the Narcissist’s delusional and harmful aspects describes the reality of the destruction and damage they impart onto their targets/victims. They blow hot and cold in their relationships, they’re self-centered, they have an entitlement mentality and they don’t take responsibility for any of their actions AT ALL. They have a difficulty forming attachment bonds with others and tend to have huge emotional walls built because of their disorder that doesn’t allow any real bonding to occur. They can’t even form a real bond with their biological children and can dump them just as easy as anybody else! The Narcissist will fight you tooth and nail to escape from being exposed even if this means completely destroying your integrity and leaving a family behind.
Narcissists have a weak and very fragile self-esteem, so they completely depend on others for validation and their sense of self-worth. Narcissists need to feed off of the admiration and esteem of others, like people need oxygen to breath and water to drink. Without it they withdraw and spiral into a deep depression this is why they form their longer-term relationships to assure the availability of 24/7 supply. But they will sneak out and find more sources of supply when they have the opportunity to do so. This need makes them predator-like and willing to say and do whatever is necessary to obtain supply and to get what they want quickly and seamlessly.
When Narcissists do engage in long term relationships, the most prevalent thing that is missing is a sincere or REAL emotional bond. Many partners, targets/victims of Narcissists say that they never really could get close to them and therefore have never really known them at all. I for one NEVER really knew my Narcissist at all! Narcissists are not nostalgic about any one person, place, or thing. Nothing seems to hold any deep sentimental value or emotional attachment for them unless they are making up a story to get some sort of reaction. They compartmentalize everything and everyone as a source of supply, and can have many different supply sources going on at one time (different relationships.) Each source of supply gets their own personalized relationship with a Narcissist because they are so adept at shape shifting to fit exactly into a particular situation that benefits or serves them. They lie, manipulate, con and lack the ability to feel empathy or remorse so they do what they want without a conscience. They have poor impulse control and engage in high risk behavior all the time. Narcissists have a high sense of entitlement and a very smug demeanor of getting what they want and not caring. Their emotions are either nonexistent, or so far off the emotional chart that they don’t even resemble anything near the ‘real’ human connection.
So ask yourself what type of connection would you still want with a Narcissist? Do you want to be their savior and healer, or save yourself to be free again to love and heal from the damage inflicted onto and into you? Think about what you gave and what was given in return. Think about the dark roads this Narcissist travels to get their fix from life and other human beings. With my Narcissist it was/is sex sites and a constant search for a fix with strangers betraying everybody and anybody, but then the next day this Narcissist will be preaching on a pulpit and hiding behind religion, morality, ethics, etc., and blaming and shaming people for what this Narcissist does and has done.
It is an awful perception and reality when you know you believed as you have been taught to believe in people (and love) and then find out that your mind was raped by one of these creatures AND they are out there raping someone else’s mind. Unfortunately, you have to push this aside so that you can recover from this abuse completely or live out your life with the regret of being abused by a Narcissist. You can’t save their next target/victim because they are imprisoned by the same manipulation and abuse that you were. You also have to accept the fact that you MUST protect yourself from this creature pulling you back into the abuse, because once you have wounded them they have a new game plan to destroy whatever they can as it concerns you to avoid exposure. This is their world and one we cannot share any part of, so please internalize this description and picture of what a Narcissist is and release yourself from any blame or shame and accept that they are disordered and not fully functioning human beings and unfortunately you fell into their trap. PLEASE go no/minimal contact and run for your life and never stop to turn around and look back! Forget about everything Narcissist and give yourself the self-compassion you need to heal and move forward! Greg
How the narcissist destroys your integrity to protect THEMSELVES from being outed as the abuser they are! The ‘smear campaign’ and those minions or flying monkeys or the Narcissist’s pawns!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
Minions and flying monkeys, the Narcissist’s ‘go to’ people when they need back up because they are about to be exposed! The Narcissist trains their minions to use as tools to fight alongside of them with their Smear Campaign!
It is just a fact that a Narcissist that has any role in your personal life is incapable of having a normal conversation yet alone a discussion with anyone who challenges or disagrees with their ideas. You really can’t have ANY conversation with a Narcissist without it SOMEHOW damaging their delicate ego! It doesn’t matter if a conversation is presented in a calm manner discussing any and all aspects of an issue as being beneficial to something meaningful or a larger picture. The Narcissist is a psycho bully that disallows individualism or independent thinking and always needs to be in control of their environment. Remember their world is all about them being PERFECT and in charge! It is also impossible to have an intellectual discussion with them in which ANY differing ideas are discussed in a back and forth manner. Their conversations are ALWAYS embellished with manipulative overtones to confuse, confound, disengage, accuse, trick, gain information, pass on information, etc., but it is ALWAYS part of their grand agenda to create and support their false identity. Seriously if we could tape a Narcissist’s mouth shut to prevent them from talking, this world would be a much safer and peaceful place to live in and I am not saying that to be funny – it is the real truth as it concerns these toxic bullies because they are destructive to GOOD people.
The Narcissist always defaults to their self-regulating and controlling mechanics that involves pulling or seducing people into their lair and extracting information from them AND in turn using this information for whatever GAIN they desire or to USE against them! Be it the love bombing to harvest their main sources of supply, or people they use to prop up their hideous façade of saintliness. If that entails being charming, exciting, seducing, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it – just technique for the Narcissist! My point is that their manipulation is not only confined to a single person as in a relationship, but instead it is a complex network that includes their primary and secondary supply sources as well as their supportive adoring friends, family members, co-workers, etc., all of which are basically seduced into their roles! The Narcissist NEEDS this COMPLETE network to survive as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them closely. They need a network of people to support their ‘needy needs’ and we are ALL basically some form of supply, so this is a full-time job for them to control the world around them. BUT the key element is that they are always on the defensive and everybody is essentially an enemy or someone to use for support because their world is full of lies and holes as it concerns the reality they PRESENT to us! They are quite use to getting busted so they always have a plan so they can squirm out of whatever toxic thing they have done! The main point here is that underneath that CHARM is that HARM – and what that means is that they are purely toxic people that destroy lives period.
So, what is the Narcissist’s thought process behind this backstabbing and smear campaign? They exploit the listeners’ emotions and sentiments. They use them to justify their suppressed hate, fears or desires or projection. They make up a story plausible enough that listeners cannot verify the exact allegations, BUT the accusations they make are powerful and damaging, and they are meant to harm! It is a strong-arm defense to silence and using these minions to fight their battle!
In reality Narcissists are very easily wounded because they lack any and all internal mechanisms that would enable them to have balance in their world. So, a smear campaign is an attempt to malign someone’s character that is a threat to them. They will attack the target’s credibility and reputation based on lies, half-truths and malicious rumors. Narcissists distort situations with twisted conclusions, perceiving themselves as eternal victims to seduce listeners in with ‘woe-be-me stories to divide and conquer AND they are highly persuasive. So persuasive in fact that they convince both themselves and others that their ‘woe be me’ stories, horrendous lies, backstabbing, and ‘smear campaign is true. It is all control.
In turn people ignore their very own conscience and intuition if the rumor is sufficiently shocking enough and it is going to be with a Narcissist. The smear campaign is such an offensive tactic that the Narcissist uses to malign, discredit, and reduce targets/victims to inferior damaged beings and stripping them of power by destroying their character to the people around them. This tactic also divides and conquers by pitting people against a supposed ‘foe’ that the Narcissist singles out. Targets are stuck between a rock and a hard place, right where the Narcissist wants them to be, damned if they defend themselves and damned if they don’t BUT basically isolated and defenseless.
This process is never accomplished solely by the Narcissist, though because the smear campaign requires a mob of minions or flying monkeys to carry and spread the distorted and destructive messages to finish the job that the Narcissist started. The Narcissist has their entourage of minions that they have charmed into believing that the Narcissist is a saint. The Narcissist can just sit back now and enjoy the lateral damage and show while the minions commit the atrocity that basically destroys the target/victim’s integrity. It is an insane attack that completely dehumanizes a good person for no earthly reason other than the Narcissist carrying out their abusive agenda so they can move on unscathed and unexposed.
Remember that a Narcissist is toxic to ALL people which includes where they work, any organization they belong to, or basically anywhere there are other people because they are everywhere. Often times the Narcissist may seem fully functional because they are employed and may be high up in the chain of command at their place of employment or just a worker bee. BUT they always maintain control of every environment they are in. Again, they are extremely manipulating and toxic psycho bullies that will immediately start their sneak attacks, by complaining to a boss or superior about other employees, triangulate, search for weaknesses in others to take advantage of, and basically create chaos to divide and conquer. They are very adept at their backstabbing by making everything seem more like a concern instead of a huge distorted lie and backstabbing to damage another person so they seem to always come up smelling like a rose.
AGAIN, this is not confined to where they work, but it includes any organization that they are a part of, their place of worship, clubs they belong to, charity organizations, events, and even THEIR family unit or basically anyplace where their presence is apparent. They are very adept at ALL of their abusive tactics as we all personally know. They can somehow twist personal or private information they know about anybody, and subtly say just enough to make it real to their listener and seem like they are ‘in the know’ about something that damages the target/victim. Basically, they use familiarity from knowing us and turn it against us. That familiarity is what brings credence to their twisted story and lies so nobody is ever the wiser to their sneaky tactics. You will NEVER see the person they are destroying present in any conversation to have an opportunity to speak out about the accusations against them, NO with a Narcissist it is always the cowardly approach to silently talk behind EVERYBODIES back, or back-stabbing! They will also triangulate by making YOU believe that somebody is doing the same to you – again part of the ‘divide and conquer’ technique they utilize.
A Narcissistic boss will gossip behind the scenes and try to rally others against the person who dared to offer a different opinion and the boss will make it seem like a concerned comradery rather than undermining somebody’s integrity. Likewise, a Narcissist in a love relationship will also talk behind their partner’s back to other family members with the same shrewd tactics to belittle, cause trouble and whatever other damage they can. AGAIN, they will use whatever familiarity they have through knowing you as an open door to be ‘in the know’ about personal and private situations you have shared with them in confidence to make a connection with people you know that will poison YOUR relationship with these people! That old saying that familiarity breeds contempt is so true in a Narcissist’s world!
So with the Narcissist it basically amounts to either literally charming the pants off of somebody, pulling somebody in as supply, backstabbing, triangulation or something that is always deceptive and devious on the Narcissist’s part to build up their minions and support. There is never a genuine conversation with them, everything must serve them somehow. Basically, as they are talking to you they are also gathering whatever information they can concerning you, something about you, or someone that you are innocently talking about with them. Nothing is sacred with them and you can bet that they will use that information and even distort it if it serves them in some way and throw you under the train in doing so – when nobody is looking of course! They are calculating and toxic and again we never realize this until they run off like the cowards they are and the damage they leave behind has devastated your integrity to say the least.
So back to basics! What is the one thing a Narcissist does not want other people to know? The truth about them. More specifically, Narcissists do not want the truth that they are insecure, malicious, and devious people with a toxic and abusive agenda. Beyond being embarrassed by the truth of their behaviors and thoughts, they have a deathly fear of being exposed and REJECTED for who and what they really are. This is in large part because they always use lies, manipulations, and distortions to control other people and get what they want. If people were to know about their true nature, they would want nothing to do with the Narcissist. The Narcissist is very aware of this and that is why they HAVE to build up their defenses as well as lie. Remember a Narcissist LIES to cover up their negative and abusive ways, so they are cognizant or know that they have done something wrong, harmful, or destructive to the person they are targeting to avoid exposure. Let’s just say they are always prepared for the inevitable. Similarly, with the bigger picture in mind their whole grand façade is just part of their defensive pretense that they MUST protect.
So, these minions and co-conspirators are only extension of the Narcissist AND the Narcissist’s abusive methodology. A Narcissist uses every opportunity to feign attention to themselves as well as secure their little toxic playmates to be there right alongside of them when they decide to wage their battles. Their world is so distorted and toxic. They live in pure denial of their sickness. They mean to hurt and destroy people, family, organizations or essentially anything that they participate in. Backstabbing, smearing, triangulation and lying are their tools to create chaos and to damage and silence people. All of this of course falls under ‘no/minimal contact’ because the only way to shut this monster out is to completely remove yourself from any attachment, especially your emotional ties with them. Yes, we loved a monster! The Narcissist’s smear campaign is their way of hatefully acknowledging OUR denying them their fake reality. The only viable solution is moving on and away from them with no/minimal contact! Greg
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
I am going to try to get into the head of the Narcissist in order for you to make sense of the distorted reality of what is REALLY going on in there. It is always dangerous and against our best interests to attempt to understand their darkness – so remember to heed my advice and never try to do it.
Narcissists ALWAYS tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions. In turn they will accuse and blame others to divert attention away from themselves and the real truth.
A Narcissist will refuse to accept the perspective of any human being, but they will irrationally defend their own distorted/delusional position and lies as well as force you into accepting them as reality and the end result is that you discard or dump YOUR normal and healthy reality. Narcissists always make people feel that they HAVE to please or basically serve them.
They shrewdly access and withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing because it gives them the ability to control and manipulate future events. A Narcissist will slowly but surely erode their target/victim’s reality, self-esteem and spirit! Narcissists completely avoid and NEVER acknowledge the feelings of others, yet they will often bring up how their emotions (loosely using that word here) are being effected and how WE don’t respect or honor their needs. They are eternal victims and NOTHING you do is worthy of meeting their needs. “We JUST don’t love them enough,” OR SO THEY TELL US!
They will slight a target/victim or perhaps make them accept personal digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the Narcissist to say they were just kidding while still being abusive and hurting the target/victim.
Narcissists will completely change the subject to divert attention back onto themselves. You could be talking to them about a serious matter and it will be dismissed in moments so the Narcissist has all the attention right back where they feel it belongs – ON THEM. If they want to raise it up a notch, they will aggressively BULLY you with shouting, dismiss you, and walk away. You never feel that anything about you is important enough for consideration by the Narcissist and you are right! Remember it is ALL about them.
Narcissists make others feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the miserable level of the Narcissist. They always threaten or hint of some form of punishment that they will inflict if YOU don’t do exactly what they are asking, or accept what they are saying. THEN of course they will reinforce this with blame as if you did something that deserves their actions and disdain. They will even dismiss you completely and silence you to drive their point home. YOU CAN NEVER MEET ANY OF THEIR EXPECTATIONS!
They will be cold, quiet, and distant, then deny that anything is wrong, but it feels as if they ARE angry or perhaps we have done something wrong and you are left wondering. Unfortunately, you can’t access what it is so you will have no sense of what is going on to help you feel at ease with them. On the flip side there will be inappropriate emotional outbursts to also distract attention, confusing their targets/victims and shifting blame for something you AGAIN have no real sense of. You are ALWAYS left feeling like you are walking on those infamous eggshells with them or always confused and feeling conflicted as to a cohesive reality with them! Confusion through diversion equals CONTROL!
Narcissists ALWAYS try to control others to domineer and limit freedom of expression/speech or individuality. Again, controlling the environment around them with confusion, chaos, bullying and negativity. They are ALWAYS instilling fear or retaliatory punishment for anyone that doesn’t comply with their EVERY wish. They will also deny you ANY recognition or success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling you out or basically placing you in the category of a loser and not worthy of proper recognition. Their word is the FINAL word always! A target/victim could have accomplished something so worthy of recognition and the Narcissist will never respond with a supportive word or a congratulation, instead they will minimalize the entire accomplishment OR even find fault in it. They will put a handle on any positive situation to make you doubt your achievement of success. They continually manage people DOWN! You will always misplace or lose your reality with them
Narcissists always forget commitments and promises purposely because there was nothing real behind their words in the first place – just more of their manipulation to keep you believing. They will even deny that they promised to do something to try to make you believe you are imagining things. They will build you up to bring you down.
Narcissists will take advantage of any vulnerability using shame, guilt, and fear to make a target feel worthless by highlighting or embellishing the simple insecurities they may have. This could even be done in a manner where the Narcissist will make fun of the target/victim’s physical attributes in a cruel overt manner.
A Narcissist’s actions, promises or reality in every situation are totally out of alignment. They ALWAYS say one thing and do another. For example, they preach morality BUT they have no morals and act on their impulses regularly. They may PRETEND to follow a religious doctrine and praise themselves for religious values but actually possess NONE of these values whatsoever. In actuality they ARE the very sinners that they are denouncing, preaching about, and pointing fingers at. They will condemn YOU for the very things they are doing and always leaving you with your jaw dropping to the ground wondering what they are accusing you of and why they are doing it. The Narcissist I dealt with was/is infamous for this!
Narcissists are only nice when all other options have been removed or when they feel they are trapped into a corner or up against a wall. This is usually when the truth is so evident that they have no other option available to them. There is no remorse for what they have done, they are just trying to wriggle out of being exposed for whatever they have done AND what they are. They also want to keep you trapped in the abuse so they can keep extorting what they can or achieving supply with their insincere apology and patronizing gestures.
In time they will replace you once you have actually caught onto their lies and agenda, BUT of course you are to BLAME for their actions! You are the disordered one and you have abused THEM and they are “running for their lives” (a favorite and OVER used quote of my Narcissist.) That is really a distorted lie and excuse that they have moved onto a new source, but they are going to keep you locked up in confusion, lies, and abuse surrounding their departure for as long as they can. They will even actually PULL you back into the abuse making you think that there is a possibility of reconciliation. It is just a way for them to achieve more chaos to disable you as much as they can as well as implicate you as being obsessed when THEY are the ones that initiate contact to use against you. Keeping you vulnerable also keeps their abuse hidden from the world as well as keep control over you from a distance.
When they are having a conversation, be it one on one or even in a group setting, they will completely cut someone off as if they are not allowed to speak. Narcissists suppress self-expression and individuality to support their omnipotence and power over others by controlling everyone in their world. Basically, they eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves to feel superior and omnipotent! It shores up their false identity and makes them feel so worthy when it is all based on lies and distortion, BUT THEY JUST DON’T SEE IT AS THIS! They are delusional and self-affirming to support their needy needs.
Narcissists will ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses. They push everyone’s buttons. They will even go as far as humiliating people in public situations to show their superiority. They are psycho bullies. By pushing buttons and highlighting a person’s sensitivity they gain power and evoke fear in the target/victim of choice. They ACTIVATE a person’s insecurities to gain power and superiority over them.
Through their vast arsenal of tools to manipulate a Narcissist will pretend to understand a person’s concerns, but then they will blatantly break every boundary and step all over those concerns and basically violate them and you! If they CAN’T control a person they will slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of this person. Narcissists RUIN people’s lives.
Narcissists will always attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They won’t believe they make mistakes and they have no ability to feel or process or truly understand shame.
ALWAYS remember that lies and deceit are a natural part of the Narcissist’s world. The old saying, “the best liars lie to themselves first” really applies to Narcissists as well as “the lie often repeated is far more convincing” and they repeat their lies many times over! A Narcissist has the amazing ability to believe their own lies even when they fly in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. You HAVE to take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. A friend of mine always said to me “if they are breathing they are lying” and it is the truth!
LASTLY! Don’t allow yourself to ride on this emotional roller coaster through hell because it is never ending with a Narcissist even for a good while after they are gone! So then heed this warning and live by it – once you are discarded, leave, or are out of the relationship the Narcissist doesn’t need you anymore as supply so LET THEM GO. It is more than likely (pretty much a guarantee) you were emotionally and physically replaced long before the separation or discard AND they are out to destroy your integrity AND you to avoid exposure. Stay away from them because they are in their protection mode and have bombs waiting to explode in your life should you attempt to undermine them in any way.
Everything I outlined here is taken directly from my experience with the Narcissist I knew. Unfortunately, I was blinded by the manipulation, constant lies, and brainwashing, but NEVER again. I ‘believed’ and never saw the train wreck in front of me. Was I a damaged person? No not in the normal reality of the behavioral sciences as in having a mental illness or a personality disorder but I became the byproduct of the disabling abuse by being in the company of a highly dysfunctional and disordered person. I have insecurities, I have wounds, I may trust a little too much, I get angry, etc. – BUT, I am a good person that respects people. I give and love unconditionally and I know when enough is enough. I get hurt but I don’t destroy and punish people because of this, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and ALLOW them the opportunity to talk and work through things. THAT is having empathy, that is creating a viable relationship with give and take, that is being unconditional and trying to give the benefit of the doubt to a person you care about. What I just described is giving of yourself and this is what bonding with another person SHOULD be – unfortunately with a Narcissist it is all TAKE and no give! This is the IMPORTANT lesson we must take from the abuse – WE ARE THE NORMAL AND AMAZING PERSON HERE that was severely manipulated and that has disabled much of our core-being, psyche, heart, mind, and soul. No/minimal contact. Greg
There is no “one” real person inside of the Narcissist that is fully functioning or normal but instead there are MANY made up facsimiles of people they imitate to cover up their dark reality to give them a superficial façade and the ability to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
There is no “one” real person inside of the Narcissist that is fully functioning or normal but instead there MANY made up facsimiles of people they imitate to cover up their dark reality to give them a superficial façade and the ability to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people. They are biologically human beings with needs, and they look like us and basically even act like us BUT they do not THINK like we do and eventually that façade fails them and us. Narcissists do not make internal connections to people or bond, so they can only respond to external stimulation or the supply they continually seek out so basically you are an object. So you cannot try to relate to them or understand them through the real empathy and unconditional love or reasoning that apply to normal people. They are NOT like you or I so you cannot relate to them as if they are!
Seems complicated so how do they do it? When they meet you they will carefully access so many parts of your life and morph right into you as if they are your twin – and WOW you have so much in common. SO, it naturally follows that there is no proper internal mechanism that exists or functions as it relates to a Narcissist having a normal and functioning ‘personality’ that can relate in a healthy manner with the outside world and the people in it. The reality that seems to exist (and I am very loosely using that word reality) is a thin veneer or skin that is like a mask or costume they CREATE and wear that corresponds with their needs at any given moment – and their needs are many! Their façade is very interchangeable as well, so it completely fools the rest of the world and protects the Narcissist from being EXPOSED as dark, envious, and loathsome person that they are.
You have probably heard this many times and I will repeat it once more – they are like a chameleon that is able to change the color of its skin to match its environment and they are amazingly adept at this. The Narcissist disengages or detaches from their dark inner self and recreates an image to wear for the public or their immediate world. This image is constantly projected to essentially allow themselves to ‘fit in.” Of course, it is a good and likeable image that is very interchangeable AND even described as very charming but remember it was designed to camouflage themselves – and there you have it a different person for every different ‘need’. Personally, I would describe them as seductive because in reality they con artists that are after something they need. That ‘need’ is usually to trick their targets and use them as ‘Narcissistic Supply’ and just a major component of their survival. Basically, their functioning image is the biggest lie that this extortionist uses in their arsenal of deceit or ABUSE. Or as my friend said ‘compartmentalization’ – they compartmentalize us to fit the many different and exacting needs they have for each of us. Remember Narcissists are in every facet of life – be it a family member, a friend, a co-worker, perhaps a priest or preacher, attorney, doctor, next door neighbor, etc. Also remember that supply isn’t just limited to romantic relationships – if you have something they need or want, or they can better their social status by being in your company, or benefit by an association with you, they will be right there at your side getting whatever they are after. Once it is gotten they are gone and if you ever tried to make them accountable – YOU are gone as well.
So, there is no real person there just a needy void looking for surrogate to supply them what they cannot achieve on their own – or you and I – now that is pretty messed up! The relationship with yourself, or the one that requires a conscience, morals, empathy, a soul, etc., is a pretty important relationship to be lacking COMPLETELY, and pretty much a requirement or prerequisite to being a functioning human being and living life NORMALLY as well as interacting with others. If you don’t relate to your own self or your life in a healthy matter, how can you relate to anyone else in a ‘healthy manner OR any manner for that matter?’ JUST MY POINT – a Narcissist lacks the mechanisms needed to be a ‘fully functioning human being’ so they invent what they need as they go along in life and we play along or join in unknowingly with their toxic and destructive game while they run off with all the goods. Basically, EVERYONE is here to supply them OR fulfill their every need, be it financially as in a career, sexually to fulfill their physical needs, familial so ‘they’ have a proper ‘face’ to appear ‘normal, moral and ethical’, friends to help them shore up their façade and believe their ‘lies’, or whatever they can harvest and use from people to fill in the huge VOID that they are. None of us serve anything more OR are more than a “bit part” in the Narcissist deranged and disordered life. We function to serve a specified need the Narcissist has at a specific time, AND they have multiple relationships going on to secure all the supply they can get – but we are none the wiser!
A Narcissist lacks all social skills/graces in the most extreme ways because underneath their ‘seductive’ façade, they don’t honor any human rights, respect individuality, or obey any written law. They live life in an extremely pathological and abusive manner. They imitate a functioning human being and take everything they want and need through some extreme and manipulative methods. They also get bored easily with their conquests SINCE they lack the mechanisms to form healthy bonds (and decisions), so they STRAY very easily to keep the excitement and adulation flowing in their world. Now it is bad enough they are life’s extortionist, but they also seem to envy and loathe all healthy loving people that would dare express their individuality, question them or demand accountability, so they lose their patience with us quickly and psychologically attack our minds in an effort to destroy our life as we know it – and if that doesn’t succeed they will just smear our integrity behind our backs. Remember they are also very protective with their big secret or lie about themselves – so if you catch on they are ready and loaded with an attack on your integrity that can literally destroy your life. Hmmmm, seems like they are very aware of what they are doing to always have a counteroffensive ready.
Like any other bully you have to disengage from the Narcissist COMPLETELY because if you don’t they will only attack you in unimaginable ways to destroy your COMPLETE integrity as well as your life. They have to win the battle they have with life, people and essentially the WHOLE world! You will ‘seemingly’ end up being the crazy one and the abuser because they will make you out to be everything bad/wrong just like a psycho bully would react to remove any blame from themselves and pass it onto you, basically their back-stabbing and smear campaign. Not a very pretty package at all. Just always remember, you haven’t done ANYTHING wrong to deserve this because they don’t function like other human beings. They don’t even have a clue what liking, caring or LOVING is so they live without it by pretending they know it, but you CAN’T pretend to love especially when you have no morals and it catches up with the Narcissist very quickly because they are so ‘out of control’ and careless.
Narcissists relate to other human beings as objects. You know objects, the things to use and ab-use for self-serving purposes. Things that have no rights, things that are inanimate, things that have no feelings. Perhaps a good example would be like a tool that performs a certain function, and we are just one of MANY of these “tools” that they USE.
So where did that ‘love’ go? Until the fact sinks in that the time they spent with us or anybody is never a ‘relationship’, but instead more of a pathological parasite feeding off of you/us, you just won’t “get” malignant Narcissism. You will keep acting on the premise that the Narcissist has some feelings JUST for you, or some sort of conscience, morals, ‘cares for’ or even loves you – and that premise couldn’t be further from the truth. It NEVER makes sense to you, so you keep blaming yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to do as if everything is your fault. You are always wondering whether it is you, or it is YOU that has temporarily lost your ability to relate NORMALLY in your relationship, or better yet you are crazy like your Narcissist is telling you. NO, it is the Narcissist that is literally the ‘crazy one’ or clinically has the ‘personality disorder’. Well it is classified as a personality disorder but still in all it is CRAZY behavior or better yet dehumanizing, demeaning, debasing, and destructive, AND psychologically abusive to anyone that has any sort of connection with them. Control is power to an abuser so whether you are attacked physically with a fist or attacked mentally with hideous, destructive and manipulating words, it is abuse from a disordered person, one that is not a fully functioning human being that lacks total empathy and love for their fellow man/womankind. You don’t intentionally CONTROL, harm, hurt, or destroy any creature on this planet for ANY REASON and these monsters do it every waking moment of their lives. Knowledge is power so educating yourself to completely understand this abuse is the first step to getting your healthy mind back and starting out on your road to recovery – well that and no/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
Narcissists are MASTERS at putting a spin on the truth, using extreme manipulation, and playing mind games to get what they want from people and life.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
Narcissists are masters at putting a spin on the truth, using extreme manipulation, and playing mind games to get what they want. They play to win and get the rewards from the investment they put into scamming a new person, then it is a matter of functionality and survival in their world to avoid detection of who and what they really are so they destroy all the evidence or basically the person they abused! That in itself says a lot because they obviously know what they do is WRONG! They are VERY poor losers and if they don’t completely win they will react in a fit of rage and terrorize the person they are already victimizing. The only way for any person to win is to not play in any of their games once you realize the truth of how disordered and dangerous they are. Unfortunately, they don’t play fair in the first place and they trick you in and drag you into their delusional game!
Everyone to the Narcissist is in reality their opponent, UNFORTUNATELY nobody realizes that they are playing a game with the Narcissist and that is where the Narcissist gains the advantage or has the upper hand! The Narcissist is playing this game for themselves, so they can deflect you from seeing the reality or avoiding the truth about what they really are – they DO NOT self-reflect, they self-DEFLECT. They do this with the expectation that they won’t have to take responsibility for their behavior. Narcissists do not take responsibility for their own actions instead they deflect by blaming, shaming, projection, denial, etc. You will do what you have always done-forgive the Narcissist, make excuses for the Narcissist’s behavior, claim the Narcissist couldn’t help themselves because of a bad day, or justifying their destructive behaviors through your empathy and love AND that will ultimately fail you completely.
You bend and bend until you almost snap in half when you try to give them the benefit of the doubt. It keeps you in a cycle that deflects away from their reality and distorts YOUR reality in turn and puts the burden onto and into you and becomes your new normal. You never have an opportunity to be an individual, nor see how they are actually pulling the wool over your eyes because they pile level upon level of confusion and diversion onto and into you. They are betraying every aspect of your life and you are too busy babysitting their every whim and trying to fix things once again. They know how to confound and confuse their targets/victims, as well as condition and manipulate them through their temper tantrums, managing them down, or punishing and silencing if you don’t play exactly the way they want you to! You HAVE to stop wanting to play the ‘game’ with them and eventually they WILL run away to find a new playmate and that is the miracle that will actually save your life.
The Narcissist is a master of FAKE emotions and empathy with a phony façade and life to match. They appear to take you in, care about you, understand everything you are experiencing, and they appear to genuinely put themselves in your shoes to understand “YOU” with acceptance and unconditional love. They observe and react with that resounding smile, approval, and unconditional care and love. All of this causes you to let your guard down and truly believe there is a genuine give-and-take in your relationship and a love that exists that is just for you. It is overwhelming to meet someone that is so much like you, so connected to your thoughts, and so reactive to meet your every need that you BELIEVE in them completely. BUT once they gain your trust they will pounce on you. They wait until you are perfectly comfortable with them and your guard is completely down or even perhaps having a low moment in your life and now the time has come to manage you down and to control you to manage the business at hand or secure the supply they came for.
What would you do if you were completely void of love and empathy, how would you interact in the normal world? Without emotions or the ability to bond you would have to control people to trap them into your defective world so you could essentially take what you need that you can’t accomplish on your own. Narcissists perfectly execute an emotional and psychological attack on their victim because their purpose is to wear you down, to humiliate you, and make you feel small and inferior and dependent on them OR again control. A Narcissist is not going to allow you to have feelings for YOURSELF and they are going to make you believe you are selfish and wrong for wanting ANY attention. There is no such thing as YOUR needs or individuality and they basically erase your personality bit by bit. They want what they want and they have invested their time to mold you into a viable source of supply. Narcissists do not tolerate individuality because people are objects for them to use as they see fit. There is nothing more here than their agenda coming to fruition and you have to understand that THIS IS ALL IT WAS. Predator after their prey using camouflage to hide the truth to trap you – or that façade and mask. The simple truth is that a person that cannot relate to emotions or empathy cannot relate to another human being in the smallest way.
A Narcissist ALWAYS loves to make you feel that YOU are crazy, especially if you try to confront them, make them accountable, bring up past issues or behaviors, or expose them when they are doing something appalling or lying. Basically YOU are told that you have an over active imagination, you don’t know what you are talking about, they have NO idea what you are talking about, or that you are simply making things up to cause problems. They’ll tell you that it is obvious that YOU are the one who is crazy (and tell you that everyone around you agrees with them about you being crazy). FURTHERMORE, they will claim not to remember any of these events, even flatly deny that they ever happened, and will NEVER accept the possibility that they might have forgotten. Your perceptions of normalcy and reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your own intuition, memory, processing your thoughts, or reasoning, AND constantly confused. The Narcissist is a master at spinning everything and deflecting to remain in control and keeping you vulnerable!
The Narcissist will up the game to include destroying your soul, your ego, your accomplishments and any belief system you have to completely manage you down to feeling worthless. The way the game is played is for them to try to turn everything about you and everything you do, into a complete failure. The Narcissist has the reasoning of a child – but they act out like a controlling, demanding, and demeaning parent (more so toxic). No matter what your real age, you are never allowed to reach a viable emotional age with them especially one that allows for your individuality or growth with them. You will always be treated like a stupid child, a bad child, a silly child, etc., and you will always be reprimanded and put in your place to honor them completely and NEVER question them! Consistent managing down is what all of this amounts to!
Everything with a Narcissist is competitive and every life situation is a competition that requires “one-upmanship”, to beat their opponent. It always involves a “payoff” for the Narcissist that is ALWAYS about them getting something or extorting everything they can and devaluing and hurting you somehow too. They feel superior within their ability to con, control, and destroy. Again, their delusional world is like a battleground with them against us because everybody and everything is a threat – be it real or perceived. They keep track of real AND imaginary things you do, have done, or might do. It is a reactionary relationship with them, BUT you are the one that always has to explain your every word and action to them and made accountable when you are not serving their every whim and need!
Lastly what supports their lies is complete DENIAL. It is important to recognize that the Narcissist will never acknowledge that any games are being played AND the important point here is that it is up to YOU to stop playing. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to fix them, the situation or heal them! You will always be told you are wrong, they are right, and that you are in need of some serious help. You can’t get them to acknowledge or take responsibility for their words or actions because they will always say they didn’t do it or it never happened. They have to or else face real accountability and retribution for their actions and then their gig would be up, so they deflect with more lies, more manipulation, and punishing, silencing and abusing you! They will destroy you completely to avoid exposure.
The main point here is that what I described is a Narcissist and how they abuse. They are not fully functioning human beings. They do not connect on ANY level with human beings except to use them as supply. We can describe this as a superficial relationship, but it goes far beyond superficial because it is a toxic and destructive relationship that will completely drain you and disable you and your belief system. Your responsibility is to get your ‘ah ha’ moment and understand that they are the defective ones that emotionally and psychologically inflicted some deep wounds that have severely affected your psyche. BUT that is where you start on your road to recovery. There is another type of healing that involves your personal emotional wounds that the Narcissist sourced out and used against you. Healing involves you and only you closing all of those wounds permanently through your personal journey or recovery!
Whatever that Narcissist has said to you that has deeply hurt you or wounded you is NOT a real observation, it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you and define you. They were so supportive in the beginning, but that was also to gain your trust and the knowledge of your weaknesses to use against you. You opened up your amazing heart along with all of your wounds and gave them the opportunity to find any and all of your weaknesses AND they were looking for them. They DO NOT have the ability to understand pain, sorrow, being vulnerable or apply empathy – they only want access to your weaknesses to use them against you or to CONTROL you. This is what we have to heal within us or those weaknesses that they have constantly pointed out because they are real and within us and now they have made them come to the surface so much so that we lost our worth and trusting our own reality. They are master game players and used their keen perception to always be on top of their game. They took these weaknesses and embellished them to even make you think you were mentally ill and even fear yourself and your way of thinking. It is a very sick game that these Narcissists play, BUT it is a game that requires other players and you have to totally opt out of participating! They will attack you at any and every level they can, even making fun of you physically and they can be VERY cruel! You will ask why and how can they do this – well again because they have no empathy, no care, no connection, no bond, no morals, and no love for any other human being or they are personality disorder AND they were after something – that is your complete answer. Please internalize and KNOW this! ALSO, please understand that you still ARE that amazing person and this was situational or abuse and you will recover with knowledge, education and support. No/minimal contact to start out on your journey to recovery!
We constantly struggle with the vision of that amazing love in the back of our mind (the one that we were CONNED into believing). We reflect on it, hold onto it, and try to bring it back and make the relationship work and make our Narcissist happy by working harder at the relationship. We are even asked (more like demanded by threats) to do things differently or do what this Narcissist wants but it only leads to more demands and making us sink deeper and deeper into this distorted and desperate love. We are occasionally offered an “I love you so much,” to achieve a cohesive peace but again it is not real AT ALL and the Narcissist cashes in on another lie that manipulates us once again! But despite our intuition or the deep-rooted sense that something is totally wrong with this relationship it still feels familiar to love because that is what we hold onto to alleviate the struggles and pain. We begin to feel increasingly unhappy because we are never having any of our needs met as well as totally confused and lost. The struggle to get this person to love and accept you is not working so you employ all kinds of tactics to try harder but to no avail. It is the vicious cycle of this abuse or the trap that keeps you running in circles until it ends and that end is always devastating and destructive because of the psychological damage that the Narcissist inflicted that kept this toxic relationship going. The Narcissist just closes the door and moves on to the next victim AND that basically defines a predator and ABUSE!
While you keep trying to hang onto this relationship you are only burying yourself deeper and deeper into the darkness and the void that defines a Narcissist. It is this daily struggle that is so unfulfilling and damaging, as well as makes you feel so unhappy and worthless. Beyond that there is going to be a huge eye opener with the full devaluation this creature is going to throw at you when your time is up with them. It is virtually impossible to love a Narcissist normally because you are only plugging yourself into their game of abuse as their PRESENT source of supply. They are literally using up every bit of your life and reaping all the benefits. You can’t love a Narcissist because they are not real and all you are loving is a projected image personally designed just for you to con you completely into their agenda.
A Narcissist can’t even see their real self because there is nine and that is why they create all of these images/facades to compensate for everything they are NOT. They are completely empty and this is what they do to avoid seeing the lack of a real reflection of themselves in a mirror. They avoid it so totally that they will defend their false image and destroy you for making them accountable for what they really are. There is such a mystery to them and that in itself almost becomes an addiction because we thought we saw a flicker of real love, but there was none and we keep searching for it! BUT there is always that idea that ‘if we just try hard enough, we will find a way to recreate that authentic connection’ or revive it. Unfortunately, it only kept us tied up in a relationship that really revolved around basic functionality, but it always seemed to hold the unspoken promise of one day becoming a connection of unconditional love to us. The real message was that we had to keep changing and giving more to meet this creature’s needs and unfortunately we listened to this and made it our goal. That is the conundrum we get so caught up in and end up losing ourselves completely. Trying harder is not going to unlock the magic door to their unavailable and dead heart/soul because you are dealing with a void and not a person. The unfortunate consequence to this is that you will have to grieve this empty love just as if it were real. Unfortunately, there is the psychological and emotional damage that disabled you and the destruction the Narcissist did to your integrity to escape exposure and put all of the blame onto you! Your recovery will require many, many steps to actualize the entirety of this but you must start with the truth of what they are and what they aren’t.
So, the truth here is that the lies, manipulation, betrayal, etc., is absolute and fundamental to the Narcissist’s agenda and survival in the real world to fit it and achieve the supply they so desperately need from us. The Narcissist can’t change and, most importantly, they DON’T want to change. They inhabit a fantasy world which becomes reality for them and those they manage to brainwash. There is no reality or truth for any person that resides in their world. It is always train a catastrophe waiting to happen and there are always many victims. In their world the truth and falsehood only hold instrumental meaning or functionality as they apply it to a situation and there is absolutely no morality contained in any of their thoughts or actions.
We must remember that at the core of the Narcissist psychopathy is a mindset governed by their grandiosity, lack of empathy for others, and a grand sense of entitlement and superiority that places them above laws and morality. The Narcissist grossly overestimates their abilities and accomplishments and underestimates the complete being of their target/victim. Simply put, the Narcissist should be able to do anything they wish, however harmful and destructive, because the Narcissist is better than others and entitled to whatever they want without consequences. In the Narcissist’s mind, by making us a part of their wonderful life by mere association with them, he/she passes on to us this grandiosity as if they are royalty and that is our reward. It is ridiculous and repulsive that they can believe this nonsense and more akin to pathological arrogance.
It is hard if not impossible to fully wrap our heads around the outlandish behavior of a Narcissist or their psychopathic mindset, so we really shouldn’t try to as it relates to and describes our abuse. Narcissists believe the truth they create at the moment they need it to provide them with new opportunities – there is no rhyme or reason to it. I believe they even have their own language and it is delusional at its basis and only ‘doubletalk’ to meet their agenda to extort other people’s lives. There is no reasoning to search out with a Narcissist and all that is there with them is the truth that they are a lie!
When it comes to understanding this love with a Narcissist, all we really had was an illusion and a reflected image from this Narcissist of what we thought was love as well as based on what we all grew up believing was love SO we related to this illusion and believed in it. We have seen this love all around us and even experienced it and felt it before. This love was very strong and amazing in our mind and we superimposed that image right onto this Narcissist like he/she conned us into doing so AND they ‘played’ you/us like it was the real thing! Every little thing that they did to reinforce that ‘con’ ALSO enforced that ‘distorted truth’ we kept hanging onto as if it was real and part of that big dream we wanted or the love we believed in. This always kept us at that safe distance and blinded from what was really happening and away from all of the lies, betrayal, manipulation, and hate that was really right there in front of us.
Believing in them and hanging onto that façade they created in the beginning kept the painful reality at bay. At some point we must see the truth and accept it completely AND it is impossible to love or be loved by the Narcissist. The real picture will unfortunately reveal itself and you will hear things that will make you feel sick to your stomach. You will question yourself in so many ways and beat yourself up over all of it. Why didn’t you see this coming, why did you keep trying and hanging onto this monster? You will feel defective and worthless and maybe even deserving of all of this! It is not answerable in any one given manner as far as applying the fault to yourself so don’t because it wasn’t your fault because nobody deserves to be abused. Let it go because that doesn’t help you achieve clarity, nor opens a door to recover from this toxic relationship. It only sends you deeper into this abuse by blaming yourself and allowing the abuse messages to plant themselves deeper into your heart and mind!
Narcissists PLAY big time games and they are completely unavailable to ANYONE in this world – they are purely sadistic and dehumanize ALL people. The person you were before this was conned and the person you are now is still being conned by the ambient or leftover abuse and you MUST get away completely to achieve clarity and move on. In reality we all know it takes two to have a healthy relationship, and there were two in this relationship and one person was real, but unfortunately the other one pretended to be real because they had an agenda to make this real so they could use you and they were seamless with the game. REMEMBER Narcissists are personality disordered and dangerous individuals to relate to in any manner because everything about them is unreal and meant to find and secure a target/victim to use as supply. You are too amazing to be giving any part of yourself to this Narcissist ever again! START this journey to recovery and freedom with no/minimal contact! Greg
They come wrapped up with a pretty bow BUT underneath those wrappings is an empty, dark, and bottomless box.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
Who was/is this person and are they a Narcissist? Do you constantly feel confused as it concerns the reality of your relationship? Do you always find yourself constantly explaining yourself instead of participating in normal conversations? Does it seem that you can’t put your finger on something in particular about THIS relationship and instead it lacks a certain REALITY in the normal course of progression or events as it concerns growing or bonding? Are there constant but subtle signals or perhaps even bright ‘red flags’ that seem to be waving close to your face? Perhaps there are even events that have led you to believe that there is lying involved or betrayal, but YOU are always invalidated and bullied away from anything real as far as a conversation concerning a simple question and a real answer as it concerns accountability around this person? Does it seem as if you are given an answer that deflects away from the original question or the situation is turned completely around and back onto YOU or your faults, or YOU are accused of just exhibiting ‘crazy behavior’ as if you are extremely jealous or making something out of nothing? Are they a Narcissist?
Do you notice that there HAS been conflict surrounding this person’s PAST with PREVIOUS relationships? Is there a pattern that is evident that this person seems to have a trail of destroyed relationships behind them? Have they MENTIONED or BLAMED the ‘other’ person/people in a manner that makes you believe that all of these OTHER people are the problem and reason that caused them to part ways? Have you had conversations that are not relevant to any reasoning surrounding ‘particulars’ as to WHY, but instead you are given strong inflammatory statements that the ‘other’ person is “crazy” or has “major issues” perhaps a liar, cheater, a person that lacks morals, etc. Are they described in a manner that is so extreme that it locks you into a definition of that ‘other’ person that makes you want to keep your distance and even protect yourself from making any contact with them (the other person)? Do you get a strong sense that perhaps there is a reason that you are kept at a distance from the past as it concerns the person you are in this personal relationship with? Are they a Narcissist?
Are you finding yourself feeling isolated from your friends and family? Do you get a sense that you are becoming more and more of a prisoner to this person as if they are all consuming and controlling you? You are constantly trying to deflect from negative words and actions or ‘walking on eggshells’ to avoid the negativity for what basically seems to be over anything and everything. There seems to be those good times, some expression of care now and then but there are also many strong expressions of disdain and constant conflict. Does it seem to be more of a roller coaster ride that has you going through constant highs and lows and it never levels out? Are they a Narcissist?
Do you feel that you are losing some important people in your life perhaps a good friend or family members as well? Do you hear things that come up where there are specific accusations concerning these people saying things about you? Or the opposite, do you hear outrageous statements that reinforce the attacks or bullying with comments like “so and so said they think you have ISSUES too.” Is there triangulation or being pitted against other people to create many walls in your life where there were none? Are they a Narcissist?
To take it further does this person treat others better IN YOUR PRESENCE or are they quite CHARMING outside of your personal relationship? Does this person have a history of attacking his/her family, friends, neighbors, boss or co-workers; in the same manner he/she attacks you? Are they a Narcissist?
Do you feel so much confusion around your life like you are in a fog and not functioning normally and have lost control? Are there so many layers of negativity surrounding this relationship from arguing, lies, manipulation, betrayal, debasing, dehumanizing and a sense of hopelessness? Does it feel that reality as it concerns this person you care about or even love is thrown out the door? Who are they? You don’t even have a range or perspective about them personally, but instead a conflicting reality that disables you instead. Does life in general seem to be full of anxiety as you suppress so many things because you are just not allowed to be an individual in this relationship by any means?
Are you feeling boxed in or controlled as if this person exerts power over you to keep you that way? Are you constantly threatened as far as your place in the relationship – one wrong move and they are going to leave you. You never do anything right! They compound it with a definition of you that includes so many negative issues, mental illnesses and you are more or less described as wrong, bad, and always the problem in their eyes. Are you made fun of in any way or always the made the brunt of a joke? Are you accused of issues around your morality, or do you hear things that you have supposedly done that are OUTRAGEOUS lies? Do you find yourself constantly confronted by a raging maniac that bellows out how horrible you are constantly? Are you blamed and shamed for things you have never done but you believe with all your heart and soul that these things have been done TO YOU INSTEAD?
THEN one day you are abandoned and NOW you find yourself labeled by all of these horrible things and suddenly your integrity has been dismantled all around you in a manner that destroyed many areas of your life. You have been smeared to all of your friends, co-workers, and family – SO – in essence you have spent your days with this person being set up as a hideous and destructive failure and now it has come to fruition and this person has ruined your reputation to the very people you care about and love! Now your losses are many and you are just too vulnerable to function because of this! Do you feel ABUSED?
ARE THEY A NARCISSIST – I would have to probably say yes there is a very good chance. There are now huge ‘red banners’ instead of ‘red flags’ and you are a target/victim of a malignant and destructive Narcissist. I could have written this years ago before I even knew what a Narcissist was or did or what a target/victim of this abuse went through. This was my reality and my situation. The Narcissist’s attacks are very specific and are often defined as ‘similar patterns’ by so many victims. Now that I look back on it all I wonder how I could have been so blind not to see all of this negativity and destruction. Well I realized that there is a reason they call this ‘abuse’ and that is because over time it disables a healthy person’s reality, worth, and ability to function normally.
HERE is the clinical definition – Psychological abuse (also referred to as psychological violence, emotional abuse or mental abuse) is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting, or exposing, another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. It would have been a lifesaver to me if my Narcissist came with this label but unfortunately they did NOT. Abusers don’t show their dysfunctional self when we meet them – no, instead they come to us in a neatly and beautifully wrapped package that is seemingly full of charm, unconditional love, empathy, care, and so many other things that attract normal people into a relationship. So, in a nutshell it was ALL a huge con job so that the Narcissist could secure people as ‘supply’ or in simpler terms objectify people because we serve a very real and needed purpose in their lives. They cannot function without people constantly supporting their vast array of needs. They can’t show us who they are so they create who we want them to be to get the job done and get what they came for. Unfortunately, that façade cannot contain or hide the horrendous creature that really resides inside of that charming facsimile we believed in – and that creature comes out because it has no empathy, love or mechanisms to bond with people – that is where the slow and subtle devaluation starts and grows. The devaluation is when we question all of the things I wrote about and THEN get our ‘ah ha’ moment. They take us from ‘Charm to Harm’ within the cycle of the relationship we had with them. Nobody that knows real love and offers it unconditionally or better yet NOBODY deserves this type of dehumanization and destruction from an abusive Narcissist. Remember that YOU are the healthy and amazing person here that really beat this abuse because you would not allow yourself to be defeated by this abuser! No/minimal contact is the only way! Greg
What about those stories you have heard about your Narcissist doing so well or moving on and in love again – and what about the things that you are hearing as far as YOU being the disordered and abusive one in this relationship?
I heard ‘the stories’ and saw different things that were posted on the internet from my Narcissist and probably believed them all at the time. What I didn’t get was that all of these messages were posted for me to see as well as to bring adulation and attention to the Narcissist and deflect from the reality of how they abused me. It was more like this Narcissist TRYING to say look at me and my wonderful life now without you AND I told you that I would leave one day because YOU are the source of every problem! But what about the OTHER abusive relationships that preceded mine or yours – in my case an ex-spouse and kids that were left behind before me. YES, that is a very important point as it concerns the many other failed relationships the Narcissist has had as well as the horrific relationship they just ended with us – this is where the truth lives? They bury their past targets/victims with these messages they send out to convince their minions that they are the healthy person and all of us (their past targets/victims) were the problem. The Narcissist’s past tells the REAL truth and identifies them clearly as abusive with a reoccurring pattern that is so evident. They can wave whatever colorful flag they want to hide the truth but it doesn’t work to ERASE their abusive past ESPECIALLY WITH US. Only a fool or an enabling family can’t see the reality as it concerns the Narcissist’s constant relationship jumping and ALWAYS blaming the last person they were in a relationship with. Remember real people have real empathy and the Narcissist understands this all too well and sees it as an opportunity (and weakness) to exploit everyone around them into believing their lies and ‘blaming’ everyone else. They know what they have done and what they are doing when they are smearing your integrity and keeping you vulnerable with their ambient abuse – they HAVE to do this to avoid the truth and being exposed.
So remember, every message you may hear or see is sent to make you feel jealous, hurt you, and manage you down to keep you vulnerable and silent while your abuser runs off to avoid exposure. The messages are just more of the abuse being sent your way – nothing has changed they are just abusing you from afar because THIS IS WHAT THEY DO and they will keep it up as long as you allow it. When I look back and piece these messages together I only see ‘crazy making’ and contradictory messages because my Narcissist had to convince many people once more that another failed relationship was NOT their fault. I saw this Narcissist back on their moralistic pulpit praying for everybody and their brother on the internet and PRETENDING to be such a strong and moral character but I was receiving emails about their perverted sex life in private – WHO does that after ending a relationship but a person trying to inflict sadistic abuse on their victim to silence and desperately hurt them! I had to hear about their new supply and how wonderful life was through text messages and emails, but I also saw this Narcissist on sex sites looking for ‘other’ playmates. BUT you do not see this when you are fresh out of this abusive relationship because you are traumatized and still believing the huge con job, emotionally attached, and vulnerable – call it shell shock or whatever but you are not yet out of the fog and still reaching back out to this desperate love seeking closure and answers but what you get is more abuse because you still replay those destructive messages back and even believe them that somehow this is your fault and MAYBE you can fix this!
First take yourself back to the first days you were with your Narcissist. Were you in love or feeling a love connection. Did you BELIEVE that what you had was really LOVE? Well the answer of course is yes. This all falls under the category of how an abusive Narcissist ‘love bombs’ their target/victim to lure them in by gaining their trust through mimicking love. Well this new supply is in your shoes now and responding to the same disordered and manipulative gestures from the Narcissist that APPEARS to be a viable and loving person in THEIR life now. SO, it also APPEARS to be the real thing to them TOO! This Narcissist is not amazing and the healthy one that the world wants so desperately – they are only as amazing as the con job they create and they are experts at what they do and they NEED a source of supply always. This is not a new love this is a new victim!
SO, the main factor here is that this is the same abusive Narcissist but with a new person. This is simply what they do – move onto to a newer source of supply and there is no love or relationship there either. You simply CAN’T forget that you were with an emotionally abusive and controlling creature that would eventually demean, devalue and discard you and this abusive creature is going to repeat this same process and pattern with the new SUPPLY just as they did with you. Unfortunately, the real truth that they are a Narcissist isn’t included in the equation when the ‘love bombing’ is going on. They trap, ensnare, gain our trust, and con us or process us in a manner to manage us down to gain control and power over us emotionally and psychologically so they can extort their precious supply from us. Remember also that you did have red flags or intuition about your Narcissist and those messages were there in our subconscious just as they are with the new supply but like us they are more than likely bending and justifying the little quirks about this Narcissist especially during the ‘love bombing.’
Now ask yourself were you a mentally challenged person when you entered into this relationship? I would believe most would say no. Unfortunately, as time went on you were described as practically insane by the Narcissist, as well as a couple hundred other things to make you out to be worthless and that takes time to purge out of your mind. Those messages are still there with you because you were managed down slowly but surely to accept this role with your abuser without even knowing it and AGAIN the new supply will be managed down and disabled in the same way that you were! You were blamed, shamed, told you were everything bad. With that in mind you were put in a role that locked your mind up in these distortions (brainwashing, gas-lighting, manipulation, etc.) and trying to do more and more to alleviate all of these so-called problems you had to get the relationship back on track. The Narcissist was the driving force behind all of this to keep you trapped in confusion each and most every single day. Remember they had an arsenal of tools to do this because that is what they do and they are utilizing these tools with this new supply too! ALSO remember that they are still doing this to YOU but from a distance to still have that control over – BUT DON’T ALLOW IT!
The love bombing or the feeling of being in love became a distant memory and a goal that you desperately worked on each and every day to try to fix so you could return to that amazing ‘love.’ This became all-encompassing and probably for a very long time. It actually became a part of you and is still there residing inside of you and now it is traumatizing because you lost the so-called battle and you have no closure or answers. Now you are basically disabled by all of the abuse with so many questions and looking from the outside in at the Narcissist and this so called new and amazing life of theirs. That Narcissist warned you that you better change OR ELSE. Well the ‘or else’ happened and who are you blaming? Yourself! You are in a position that has you very vulnerable, isolated, and traumatized because you are JUST figuring this out and that will take time until you realize the truth that you have been dealing with a personality disordered person. You search for PERSONAL answers wherever you can find them and sometimes that leads you to places you shouldn’t be like peeking at the Narcissists activity on the internet, or listening to their friends or minions, or replaying all of those negative messages in your head that this Narcissist planted there. Recovery can ONLY happen when you leave the Narcissist completely behind and that means physically, emotionally, and mentally. THEY WERE NOT REAL in any sense of a normal and committed relationship and you cannot try to apply normal logic to trying to figure them out or reach closure with the end of your relationship with your good empathy and love.
So today or whatever day you are sitting there and feeling such a debilitating and sick feeling in the pit of your stomach because of something you saw or heard that this Narcissist is off and having the time of their life with a new person is just ambient abuse OR all about the Narcissist warping your reality from a distance. This is still all about the devaluation that you spent so much of your time trying to reconcile and now you are trying to reconcile THIS. You believed that so much of this was your fault and that still lingers in your mind. You are still trying to fix this in some manner to alleviate the pain you feel, but now it is only at a distance and you are the only participant. That Narcissist is off and into a new target/victim, so on top of everything else you are searching for more answers BUT now with another layer of abuse that has been inflicted on you. There aren’t any REAL answers out there but there is the truth. What you see are only more distorted images (concerning the new supply) that lead you back to feeling like YOU were/are unworthy and again all lies! This is the emotional and psychological ABUSE or what I call psychological terrorism or psychological rape!
The old messages that we draw our conclusions from loving this Narcissist can damage us more and become a driving force especially as it concerns this abuse because all of those messages were destructive, manipulative and meant to manage us down. If you keep replaying those messages they will keep you stuck in a constant cycle of extreme confusion that has no reality to help you recover or move forward. There is no closure just tons of messages from a disordered creature that wants you to feel their wrath as well as abuse you just a little bit more to perhaps take you over the edge. I had to deal with this for almost a YEAR because I didn’t have the knowledge and truth I have now. Don’t let this abuse lock you up in a vicious circle of obsessive thoughts that have no basis of reality because you are dealing with a Narcissist and you NOW know what they are and do. They want to continue to control you and enjoy it with all of their off-color messages and lies of happiness. The many supporters they SEEM to have are surface friends that haven’t had to deal with their abuse personally as we have so they are clueless and lack the depth to see the real truth. Narcissists don’t maintain or harbor deep friendships, they con and abuse any and every relationship for their convenience. We can’t blame the new supply or dislike them, because we were in THEIR shoes once and look where it got us, BUT we also protected the monster and stayed with them until we couldn’t anymore. This is abuse and the cycle reappears with each and every new person this Narcissist locks into their lives – they will end up here one day as well trying to figure out what happened and feeling destroyed. No/minimal contact to end the madness once and for all! Remember just how amazing you are and YES you defeated this abuse because you were too strong to allow it to continue and that is what sent that Narcissist off and running! Greg
A Narcissist loves to see themselves reflected as AMAZING in our eyes and faces – AND they love the rewards or bounty they get from their performance. Their world is completely based on external stimulation because their internal mechanisms are completely out-of-order! WHAT being ‘supply’ to a Narcissist really means!
Narcissistic supply is MANY things but basically any emotional or physical attention, energy, help, admiration, support, sympathy, acknowledgement or approval that you give to a Narcissist for any reason, be it positive or negative (yes that includes their chaos that they create). It is ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that FEEDS their obsessive, and insatiable need for attention. Remember that they have basically tricked you into their world with such superficial charm or love bombing to harvest you like a farmer harvests their many crops. There is NO love, NO real relationship, NO reciprocation, NO respect given to you as a person, NO CONNECTION whatsoever, just complete nothingness! Yes, it seems that they are a HUGE and viable part of your life as in reciprocating with emotions, empathy and LOVE, but the HUGE part is that they are only a façade and you are experiencing their manipulative agenda to pull you into their needy and destructive world! They could more aptly be described as a parasite.
That is a hard concept to wrap your head around because you probably SWEAR that they love you! You believe it so much so that your emotions are wrapped up in this amazing relationship AND that is exactly where the Narcissist wants you to be! You just don’t believe it can be anything but love until you are abruptly discarded OR you become wise to the Narcissist’s lies and leave them! But what lies between this love and finally realizing the truth or ‘everything else in between’ can literally destroy you when you see the truth standing in front of you. It is unfortunate that you never knew about these creatures and this type of abuse so that those red flags that were waving at you made enough sense for you to run for your life before it was too late! But you met a Narcissist and this is what they do and do so well. This is abuse and not a jerk. This is a distorted and cruel creature that puts itself and its needs before everything else even if it means destroying a person to get what it needs! BUT remember relationships are not the only place a Narcissist gets their supply from – they are conning the whole world to fulfil all of their many needs and no person will stand in their way to get at what they want.
On a day to day basis, a Narcissist can get supply from their job or career, an organizational connection, religious affiliation, volunteering, specific talent or their particular lifestyle – they need to source out supply EVERYWHERE they can. BUT in every one of these scenarios it is always connected to the attention (or goods) that the Narcissist receives or pulls in from another person or people! It most often comes from people that are directly connected to the Narcissist’s immediate surroundings like a spouse, child, employee, friend, or co-workers who interact with the Narcissist but NOT restricted to it. But with modern technology and social sites the Narcissist is now able to network easily and cover more ground with their fake and superficial profiles and secrets that they keep so well hidden behind that computer screen. They use social sites like a politician uses a campaign to get support and votes! Basically the Narcissist employs everyone to serve them and everything is based on the Narcissist’s superficial lifestyle and we fill in ALL of the blanks. This is all supported by the lies they create to make themselves out to be these charming, moral and amazing people in our world when they are the direct opposite or destructive and cruel monsters in private! They are harvesting supply everywhere they can steal it from.
It is not limited to familiar people in the Narcissist’s life though. A Narcissist will seek out perfect strangers to secure ‘extra’ or ‘more’ supply. This could more than likely be sexual in nature like a one-night stand with a perfect stranger. Basically it amounts to betraying their ‘loving’ partner with their many out-of-control affairs without a concern, care or thought to how they hurt a person they are in a relationship with, after all it is just extra supply for the Narcissist and it serves them. More than often we are ‘none the wiser’ to their torrid affairs and perverted lifestyle. My point here is that WE are not the only person they source out for supply, we may be the ‘consistent’ and day by day supply, but by far we are not the only one – everyone is game for the Narcissist!
If you happen to be the ‘main’ person OR ‘main’ source of supply that the Narcissist draws their attention from, just know that they will do ANYTHING to ensure it keeps coming from you by distorting and deflecting from the real truth until they are done with you. They will fly into a Narcissistic rage if it is removed, diminished or cut off for any reason. They will be absolutely relentless with their manipulation so that they can get EVERYTHING they can out of you by controlling you. Unfortunately, within the manipulation we somehow believe that we are special, or needed, and even loved by the Narcissist. If you’re thinking you must be special to be able to supply something that the Narcissist needs so badly, think again – you are just another source of supply and THAT is all. You are there as a servant and all of that fanfare of them loving you as well as the many promises are part of the huge façade and mask they wear to abuse and extort everyone. There is no ‘special’ person in a Narcissists world – there are only objects!
Anyone – be it a male or female that expresses and type of awe, wonderment, gratitude or praise for the Narcissist’s accomplishments and performance, OR their looks, skills, talent or anything else is readily accepted and pulled into their world. Anyone that expresses complete and unending gratitude for anything/everything the Narcissist has ever done for them, said to them, or told them is also readily accepted and pulled into their world. Also, anyone who expresses sympathy or agrees with the Narcissist’s self-perception that he/she is God’s gift to an undeserving world. Anyone who shows complete adoration and compliments/supports the Narcissist for their amazing mind, body, special spiritual connections, job, car, home, clothing, style, and wisdom, etc. Anyone willing to give up their time, MONEY, attention, or life in order to meet all the Narcissist’s needs. Anyone who will acknowledge that the narcissist is completely entitled, special and above people so much so that they (Narcissist) should not be subject to normal rules, regulations, or laws. Anyone willing to join the Narcissist’s team, and show righteous indignation for his/her suffering, which is by FAR greater than most and always undeserved no matter what! Anyone that will join the Narcissist’s battle to destroy people they have intentionally harmed as well as support their destructive agenda. Anyone who shows complete agreement that the Narcissist is so special, misunderstood by the entire world, and under-appreciated. Anyone that is willing to overlook the occasional, or repeated violations and exploitation of them for any reason becomes special and ARE ACCEPTED AND PULLED INTO THE NARCISSIST’S WORLD and become SUPPLY! None of us are better than the next source or previous source, WE ARE ALL SUPPLY period. Everybody is a puppet that the Narcissist manipulates to create their false world. Look to the Narcissist’s past and you will see many puppets they have used/destroyed and then thrown into the garbage after they have served their purpose! The Narcissist even sources out their minions to support that they are innocent in ANY wrong doing so they can bury you alive with more lies or that infamous smear campaign! WHY? Because the Narcissist loves to see themselves reflected as AMAZING in our eyes and faces AND they love the rewards or bounty they get from their performance. Their world is completely based on external stimulation because their internal mechanisms are completely out-of-order!
One thing that is very important to understand and that is to differentiate between what you believe is love and the reality of the Narcissist’s TRUE agenda. Narcissists will cling to you as their main source of supply as long as you are serving them and giving your all! But the second they find someone with more supply than you, they are gone and they have damaged you, your integrity, and your life and extorted most everything that they could get away with. They will leave you in a heartbeat and never look back as well as blame you as being the problem. They will leave their biological children behind as well so they can move on to their next source and a new family and community to support them. These creatures JUST DON’T care because everyone is just an object. Unfortunately, you also loved them and believed in them and somehow thought that if you gave everything you could things would change or perhaps the Narcissist would change! No, they were reaping the benefits of their agenda and game plan and sucking your life dry.
THIS is the extent of the relationship with them – that huge image of LOVE that you have spent many years developing with them, pursuing, tendering, holding onto, etc., is what they used to COMPLETELY support their agenda to make sure they were able to tap into you as a source for their SUPPLY. The Narcissist’s manipulation tactics were seamless enough to fool you so COMPLETELY! This is the whole truth in a nutshell that you have to accept as reality even after all the time you put into them. You have to stop believing anything about them AND immediately or they will keep coming back for more because this is what they do, BUT THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE OR STOP ABUSING AND EXTORTING! No/minimal contact to stop the madness, lies, betrayal, destruction, pain, and trauma that has put you in the place where you are today! You are truly an amazing person that can love, that is normal, and all of this was situational and premeditated by a personality disordered creature or a Narcissist. Greg
With a Narcissist you are NEVER and individual with any needs of your own – it was a role you were emotionally manipulated and conned in and out of – and you were only dehumanized, subjugated and objectified by a personality disordered person each and every time they needed you as supply.
What does a Narcissist do when we demand our individuality or ask to be treated as a person SHOULD be? They manage us down into the smallest pieces they can. They have numerous tools in their arsenal, but the most efficient of all is replacing us with another person when we don’t acquiesce to ALL of their needs – it is just what they do because they cannot bond beyond using us for what we have and what they need so they will just find someone else to replace us. What is the message the Narcissist is sending? It is no big deal to find another person to fill your shoes. This truth is crazy to comprehend, but it depicts the true nature of a relationship with a Narcissist and they just go on with life switching out their partners like buying a new pair of shoes – everyone is an object with a turn in the Narcissist’s life.
Think about it in real and practical terms. When we are talking about the ‘real’ relationship with a Narcissist remember this if you will remember anything – the relationship with a Narcissist is NOTHING that concerns romance, unconditional love, bonding, or a healthy relationship that grows with them, we are talking about the subjugation of an object AND we are that object. Yes, Narcissists exploit their partners just as if they were an inanimate object that they will replace or throw out in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, they play a great game of making us believe we are more than that because it is all part of the mechanics they use to pull us into their agenda to become their latest object.
A Narcissist will find a way to put a partner in their ‘designated position’ or better yet a dehumanizing and disabling role that is only meant to consistently numb the victim or keep them in that fog of confusion to basically serve the Narcissist’s sadistic needs. A Narcissist tears down a partner’s equality and worth with many manipulative and devious steps that steal away his/her power AND the Narcissist in turn empowers themselves through this controlling behavior. These are highly insecure and envious creatures at heart that manipulate, betray, lie, cheat, extort and every other disabling thing they can do as well as hide the truth of their disordered nature. What else would you or could you do if you are akin to a fictional dark and empty creature like a vampire but seek out and find victims to suck the life force out of. A Narcissist will always find a way to unleash their toxic waste or sewage on the rest of us. SO never try to grasp at the vision they have a happy, normal, and fulfilling life now or ever. Everyone that gets to know your Narcissist will only become their next target for their fake and psychopathic pursuits that define their abuse.
Most if not all targets/victims are generous, trusting, normal, and kind people and basically this is why the Narcissist was attracted to you because your empathy and love was strong and in place for this Narcissist to exploit. It is a fact that Narcissists are sadistic, cruel, and insensitive and their actions toward people are very painful. It is cruel, dehumanizing, and basically criminal what they do to normal, loving and good people AND it is impossible for us to wrap our heads around it all but remember Narcissists aren’t normal by any means and they do not have the empathy that we possess. They are unable to feel, sense or appreciate feelings, compassion or other people’s needs. They do not acknowledge or respect boundaries and they will consistently trample them down, especially when they are discarding you. When you are wondering or worried about them and not caring for yourself, they are not considering anything as it concerns YOUR well-being or the hurt you are feeling because they just don’t care. A Narcissist is always so absorbed with THEMSELVES and after that horrendous discard you are just the past, but they will wring every last ounce of attention (good or bad) out of you before dumping you especially when they are moving on to their next victim – BUT, and really know this because it is huge – only if you let them.
NEVER fall into the trap of trying to redeem yourself with them because you are only reacting to more of their manipulation because they WANT to confuse you even more to keep you so far away from the truth. You can’t ever fix the past with them, change them, rescue them, save them, or communicate with them. If you do, they will just set you up to manage you down and drag you back for a little or a LOT more of their abuse. A bit of advice from this survivor, and that is find ways to stop yourself from trying to re-connect with your Narcissist. You must stop completely and ignore your Narcissist with the strongest boundaries you can create! Remember, every minute you let them sit in your thoughts YOU lose a little bit more of yourself and you have already given up too much! Do not let them occupy space in your heart and mind once you know the truth about what they are – DISCARD them from your heart and mind forever.
ALL of their repressed feelings from the damage they inflicted on so many people they avoid like the plague and they just don’t deal with it. They don’t want to struggle with blaming themselves because the real truth would make them implode. Yes, they don’t care about what they have done, but remember that is how they are wired or how they rewired themselves and their internal mechanics. Their life is built on this premise so it is also their reality. Their extreme denial represses anything that would blame them as being the problem and that is buried so deep in them and a huge part of their world or a working mechanism in their disordered personality. Clinically they dump all of this through projection or basically blaming you in a disordered and dysfunctional method for everything they have done to you. Think back to things they have accused you of or the crazy and nonsensical arguments and how you shook your head in disbelief wondering where they came up with this garbage – that was them projecting and dumping their toxic waste onto YOU.
That is why their lives are spent running a marathon or from one trivial distraction to another, and another. In my estimation it is really pathetic when you catch on to what they are doing. Remember that they were doing this when they were with us, always searching for something or someone else and BLAMING us because we just did not offer everything they needed. They never said this but they most assuredly thought it. This is why so many Narcissists are also addicts too, but basically they are addicted to their own neediness and seeking out some sort of external attention. All these creatures are doing is trying to escape their fate of ultimately being alone because of how damaged they are, BUT they never seek out any form of help to fix themselves. Unfortunately, they are not cuddly creatures that you can love and help because they will devour you to protect themselves from seeing their own reflection and reality and this is why they abuse us. They can’t face themselves so they ultimately blame and destroy each and every person that becomes involved in their life and calls them out for their abusive ways.
Narcissists HATE to lose so they must wage a war and WILL only pursue a victory (in their mind only)! With any argument or even the discard he/she is not in pursuing YOU to get you back and make proper amends, but it may LOOK like they are pursuing you. The Narcissist wants to put things right back to the way they’re SUPPOSED to be with them psychologically abusing your mind and controlling your every move. Remember if you give in, forgive, adore, and admire this creature AND take him/her back they WILL incorporate some punishment for you “abandoning” them. They want you back but on their own terms, with the same degree of selfishness, psychopathy, AND abuse as before. Nothing has changed and if you respond to him/her and give them another chance, you’ll regret it and keep ending up at the same place over and over again AND one day discarded completely. The story ends the same way with every relationship.
It is a vicious cycle that will only destroy you if you keep repeating it. If the Narcissist can keep you under his/her control AND they will manage you down deeper and deeper into their abuse and having a very happy time of it indeed. I hate to admit it, but I was guilty of this for 8 months after my relationship ended, but the positive thing is that I finally ‘got it’ and moved on and away from more abuse. I just didn’t understand the dynamics completely enough at the time so I kept stumbling through it.
Your only hope for success is to completely go no contact or minimal contact if you have children together. You can’t still be friends or have the occasional e-mail or ANY contact whatsoever. Narcissists who have been dumped or abandoned you will NOT be normal ‘ex’s’ any more than they were normal partners because they are abusive. Respond to a Narcissist in any manner and he/she will without a doubt hurt you and devalue you again. Every little contact, every chance encounter, will set you back in recovering from what has been a psychologically traumatic experience for you. This was a toxic bond and not any type of NORMAL relationship that will yield anything near a normal closure with them. Remember you can’t heal from the trauma you are experiencing by reconnecting to the source because it will only add more and more layers of that same trauma. If you’re going to recover from this, you MUST stay away from them. You WILL eventually get a clearer vision of reality once your mind gets some well-deserved peace AWAY from their chaos, manipulation, and abusive ways.
If you were married and have kids together, the Narcissist will make your divorce proceedings a living hell just like they did in your marriage. The Narcissist will act like they can’t wait to get rid of you, and then stall and impede the divorce as much as humanly possible just to make sure you know who’s in control. And that’s BEFORE the real nightmare begins, with the custody arrangements. You need to stay strong to get through this, AND then you still have to deal with them until the kids are grown.
I hope this information helps you understand that a Narcissist is in this only for themselves. You were never a part of anything but instead a part of their agenda to extort your reality and life and to entertain themselves. Mine played and still plays the same music but I have plugs in my ears and blinders around my eyes and I just don’t buy into any of the attempts or the garbage at all. I have moved on and found my place, happiness, and love again. This Narcissist will NEVER have a chance of ever knowing me again or even getting near to it no matter what game this Narcissist plays at. No contact means never again! I had the truth that gave me the vision I needed to return to a complete life of happiness and love and so will you if you only allow it. You must get out of the darkness to experience the light again and get back to a real life that you once knew. You will see goodness once you leave this distorted creature and their negative messages completely behind you. Give yourself that chance every day – you can never look back if you seriously want to move forward. Please stop believing the lie! No/minimal contact! Greg