Narcissists are COMPLETELY disconnected from people and from THEMELVES. They morph into whatever they need to be at any given moment because they are opportunists always ready to take advantage of a new opportunity or seeking out their next source of supply. They are ALL TAKE and no GIVE whatsoever. We must understand this and DISCARD them COMPLETELY from our life or be trapped in their prison until they find their next prisoner to drain!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
Their so-called personality or persona is ONLY a working component to support their agenda that lacks ANY real substance. There is absolutely nothing to them beyond their needs that they act on like an addict looking for their next fix.
A normal person can make connections with their own feelings and emotions (empathy) and this connection with one’s own feelings allows them to develop and live in accordance with real values that allow them to function to include other people in their world or bonding. A normal person that has developed a real value system does not violate this system by intentionally USING and harming other people. Society has rules that separate us as the normal functioning human being with the opposite being a non-functioning or not fully functioning human being. Given that Narcissists are emotionally dead, then it follows they lack these internal mechanisms, so they also lack constraint for their actions and impulses, and vast neediness – so the Narcissist fits the category of non-functioning human being. They live in an out-of-control world where they serve their every whim/need because there are no internal constraints to stop them from acting on whatever they want. They lack empathy, so they just don’t care and are not accountable for their negative and hurtful actions. People become their objects to use for their short term or long term needs as well as abuse. They are the great manipulators in life!
This was a manufactured and weaponized connection/relationship that was meant to completely con you. Your concepts of care/love that you held near and dear to your heart were mirrored back onto you and your reality was manipulated to believe in them. You were connected to, cared for, or loved WHAT YOU BELIEVD WAS REAL and THAT was the goal of this abuser. Emotions like love are the strongest human emotions and bonds in the world, and you felt this with all of your heart and soul which is not anything out of the ordinary or unique because it happens every day. BUT it was unique because it was a manufactured and weaponized bond/love that psychologically damaged you.
Your whole belief system has been thrown out the window! Your spirit must heal from the loss of this connection or love because your care/love was still very real to YOU! Unfortunately, you must also heal from the emotional and psychological damage as well. But, and the most important message you can internalize is that you DIDN’T want or fall in love with abuse, nor were YOU to blame for any part of this, you are NOT a fool, and you did NOT deserve this. You were conned into this and it was easy for the Narcissist to do so because care/love is a very normal/familiar, and part of OUR world (never theirs) – so they weaponized it to trap you, control you, use you, harm you, betray, you, and essentially abuse you – or make you just another source of supply and OBJECTIFIED. Validation and knowledge are powerful tools in gaining your freedom and starting on your road to recovery. You ARE stronger than you know because you survived this abuse and are here to tell your story – you are that amazing! Greg
Nobody is safe from a Narcissist’s revenge and smear campaign! How the Narcissist destroys your integrity to protect THEMSELVES from being outed as the abuser they are! The ‘smear campaign’ and those minions or flying monkeys or the Narcissist’s pawns!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
Minions and flying monkeys, the Narcissist’s ‘go to’ people when they need back up because they are about to be exposed! The Narcissist trains their minions to use as tools to fight alongside of them with their Smear Campaign!
It is just a fact that a Narcissist that has any role in your personal life is incapable of having a normal conversation yet alone a discussion with anyone who challenges or disagrees with their ideas. You really can’t have ANY conversation with a Narcissist without it SOMEHOW damaging their delicate ego! It doesn’t matter if a conversation is presented in a calm manner discussing any and all aspects of an issue as being beneficial to something meaningful or a larger picture. The Narcissist is a psycho bully that disallows individualism or independent thinking and always needs to be in control of their environment. Remember their world is all about them being PERFECT and in charge! It is also impossible to have an intellectual discussion with them in which ANY differing ideas are discussed in a back and forth manner. Their conversations are ALWAYS embellished with manipulative overtones to confuse, confound, disengage, accuse, trick, gain information, pass on information, etc., but it is ALWAYS part of their grand agenda to create and support their false identity. Seriously if we could tape a Narcissist’s mouth shut to prevent them from talking, this world would be a much safer and peaceful place to live in and I am not saying that to be funny – it is the real truth as it concerns these toxic bullies because they are destructive to GOOD people.
The Narcissist always defaults to their self-regulating and controlling mechanics that involves pulling or seducing people into their lair and extracting information from them AND in turn using this information for whatever GAIN they desire or to USE against them! Be it the love bombing to harvest their main sources of supply, or people they use to prop up their hideous façade of saintliness. If that entails being charming, exciting, seducing, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it – just technique for the Narcissist! My point is that their manipulation is not only confined to a single person as in a relationship, but instead it is a complex network that includes their primary and secondary supply sources as well as their supportive adoring friends, family members, co-workers, etc., all of which are basically seduced into their roles!
The Narcissist NEEDS this COMPLETE network to survive as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them closely. They need a network of people to support their ‘needy needs’ and we are ALL basically some form of supply, so this is a full-time job for them to control the world around them. BUT the key element is that they are always on the defensive and everybody is essentially an enemy or someone to use for support because their world is full of lies and holes as it concerns the reality they PRESENT to us! They are quite usde to getting busted so they always have a plan, so they can squirm out of whatever toxic thing they have done! The main point here is that underneath that CHARM is that HARM – and what that means is that they are purely toxic people that destroy lives period.
So, what is the Narcissist’s thought process behind this backstabbing and smear campaign? They exploit the listeners’ emotions and sentiments. They use them to justify their suppressed hate, fears or desires or projection. They make up a story plausible enough that listeners cannot verify the exact allegations, BUT the accusations they make are powerful and damaging, and they are meant to harm! It is a strong-arm defense to silence and using these minions to fight their battle!
In reality Narcissists are very easily wounded because they lack any and all internal mechanisms that would enable them to have balance in their world. So, a smear campaign is an attempt to malign someone’s character that is a threat to them. They will attack the target’s credibility and reputation based on lies, half-truths and malicious rumors. Narcissists distort situations with twisted conclusions, perceiving themselves as eternal victims to seduce listeners in with ‘woe-be-me stories to divide and conquer AND they are highly persuasive. So persuasive in fact that they convince both themselves and others that their ‘woe be me’ stories, horrendous lies, backstabbing, and ‘smear campaign is true. It is all control.
In turn people ignore their very own conscience and intuition if the rumor is sufficiently shocking enough and it is going to be with a Narcissist. The smear campaign is such an offensive tactic that the Narcissist uses to malign, discredit, and reduce targets/victims to inferior damaged beings and stripping them of power by destroying their character to the people around them. This tactic also divides and conquers by pitting people against a supposed ‘foe’ that the Narcissist singles out. Targets are stuck between a rock and a hard place, right where the Narcissist wants them to be, damned if they defend themselves and damned if they don’t BUT basically isolated and defenseless.
This process is never accomplished solely by the Narcissist, though because the smear campaign requires a mob of minions or flying monkeys to carry and spread the distorted and destructive messages to finish the job that the Narcissist started. The Narcissist has their entourage of minions that they have charmed into believing that the Narcissist is a saint. The Narcissist can just sit back now and enjoy the lateral damage and show while the minions commit the atrocity that basically destroys the target/victim’s integrity. It is an insane attack that completely dehumanizes a good person for no earthly reason other than the Narcissist carrying out their abusive agenda, so they can move on unscathed and unexposed.
Remember that a Narcissist is toxic to ALL people which includes where they work, any organization they belong to, or basically anywhere there are other people because they are everywhere. Often times the Narcissist may seem fully functional because they are employed and may be high up in the chain of command at their place of employment or just a worker bee. BUT they always maintain control of every environment they are in. Again, they are extremely manipulating and toxic psycho bullies that will immediately start their sneak attacks, by complaining to a boss or superior about other employees, triangulate, search for weaknesses in others to take advantage of, and basically create chaos to divide and conquer. They are very adept at their backstabbing by making everything seem more like a concern instead of a huge distorted lie and backstabbing to damage another person, so they seem to always come up smelling like a rose.
AGAIN, this is not confined to where they work, but it includes any organization that they are a part of, their place of worship, clubs they belong to, charity organizations, events, and even THEIR family unit or basically anyplace where their presence is apparent. They are very adept at ALL of their abusive tactics as we all personally know. They can somehow twist personal or private information they know about anybody, and subtly say just enough to make it real to their listener and seem like they are ‘in the know’ about something that damages the target/victim. Basically, they use familiarity from knowing us and turn it against us. That familiarity is what brings credence to their twisted story and lies so nobody is ever the wiser to their sneaky tactics. You will NEVER see the person they are destroying present in any conversation to have an opportunity to speak out about the accusations against them, NO with a Narcissist it is always the cowardly approach to silently talk behind EVERYBODIES back, or back-stabbing! They will also triangulate by making YOU believe that somebody is doing the same to you – again part of the ‘divide and conquer’ technique they utilize.
A Narcissistic boss will gossip behind the scenes and try to rally others against the person who dared to offer a different opinion and the boss will make it seem like a concerned comradery rather than undermining somebody’s integrity. Likewise, a Narcissist in a love relationship will also talk behind their partner’s back to other family members with the same shrewd tactics to belittle, cause trouble and whatever other damage they can. AGAIN, they will use whatever familiarity they have through knowing you as an open door to be ‘in the know’ about personal and private situations you have shared with them in confidence to make a connection with people you know that will poison YOUR relationship with these people! That old saying that familiarity breeds contempt is so true in a Narcissist’s world!
So with the Narcissist it basically amounts to either literally charming the pants off of somebody, pulling somebody in as supply, backstabbing, triangulation or something that is always deceptive and devious on the Narcissist’s part to build up their minions and support. There is never a genuine conversation with them, everything must serve them somehow. Basically, as they are talking to you they are also gathering whatever information they can concerning you, something about you, or someone that you are innocently talking about with them. Nothing is sacred with them and you can bet that they will use that information and even distort it if it serves them in some way and throw you under the train in doing so – when nobody is looking of course! They are calculating and toxic and again we never realize this until they run off like the cowards they are and the damage they leave behind has devastated your integrity to say the least.
So back to basics! What is the one thing a Narcissist does not want other people to know? The truth about them. More specifically, Narcissists do not want the truth that they are insecure, malicious, and devious people with a toxic and abusive agenda. Beyond being embarrassed by the truth of their behaviors and thoughts, they have a deathly fear of being exposed and REJECTED for who and what they really are. This is in large part because they always use lies, manipulations, and distortions to control other people and get what they want. If people were to know about their true nature, they would want nothing to do with the Narcissist. The Narcissist is very aware of this and that is why they HAVE to build up their defenses as well as lie. Remember a Narcissist LIES to cover up their negative and abusive ways, so they are cognizant or know that they have done something wrong, harmful, or destructive to the person they are targeting to avoid exposure. Let’s just say they are always prepared for the inevitable. Similarly, with the bigger picture in mind their whole grand façade is just part of their defensive pretense that they MUST protect.
So, these minions and co-conspirators are only extension of the Narcissist AND the Narcissist’s abusive methodology. A Narcissist uses every opportunity to feign attention to themselves as well as secure their little toxic playmates to be there right alongside of them when they decide to wage their battles. Their world is so distorted and toxic. They live in pure denial of their sickness. They mean to hurt and destroy people, family, organizations or essentially anything that they participate in. Backstabbing, smearing, triangulation and lying are their tools to create chaos and to damage and silence people. All of this of course falls under ‘no/minimal contact’ because the only way to shut this monster out is to completely remove yourself from any attachment, especially your emotional ties with them. Yes, we loved a monster! The Narcissist’s smear campaign is their way of hatefully acknowledging OUR denying them their fake reality. The only viable solution is moving on and away from them with no/minimal contact! Greg
What it is like being in the orbit of a Narcissistic personality disordered person. Their world is about control through chaos, crazy-making, and that façade of fake goodness and morality. Actualizing the TRUTH to be able to move on to recovery and a healthy life.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist.
The Narcissist considers him/herself above all of the norms of goodness – it is just a TOOL to use if they want something from somebody – other than that it does NOT exist in their world. They elude or defer away from the fact that any of their action’s borderline being outright cruel/evil toward others. That is the double-edged sword that they attack the world with – conning people into believing they are a saint when in fact they are the complete opposite and lack all morals and integrity as it concerns life and people. The truth is that their lives are all about double standards or what serves them at ANY GIVEN MOMENT. For example, a Narcissist will stand tall and preach about morality as if all cheaters should burn twice in hell, but as he/she is giving their lecture from the pulpit they are also surveying the room to find a little extra supply to have on the side for themselves. But the Narcissist is not a cheater in their mind – they are DESERVING to omit themselves from morality because they are special and above reprise for THEIR actions in life – again all double-standards, and no rules or laws that they abide by.
The real definition of a Narcissist is that of a deceptive creature that is so preoccupied and focused on their every desire, pleasure and need that it completely blinds the Narcissist from reality and self-blame – or let’s call it what it is DENIAL overtaken by their addiction to everything EXTERNAL. The Narcissist re-writes reality to fit his/her delusions – and with every con artist it is like the Narcissist winning the lottery when they find a new target to extort and harm. They relish the chase, kill, and the rewards!
Their modus operandi or the tools of their trade are manipulative words/actions, pathological lying, slander, back-stabbing, and a cunning personality like that of a fox! You only have to watch the Narcissist as he/she grins at their own exploitive games that accompany their malicious actions. It reveals the reality that their behavior and intentions are as far removed from caring, loving or having any semblance of empathy, care, concern, and NEVER love. A Narcissist views themselves as superior or above the rest of humanity.
Narcissists do not see themselves as the pathological and destructive person that lives their entire life like a parasite using and taking advantage of others, objectifying people, maligning people, and then moving on once they have been emotionally/physically drained and damaged the person that was their target. Nor does the Narcissist see how flimsy their thin veneer of lies, and false credentials are – because they just don’t care nor have the ability to. No instead the Narcissist will project their false image and describe themselves as a hero of sorts or even a saint as far as it concerns humanity and their role here on earth! Well this is part of their disordered and damaged self that enables the Narcissist to live in complete denial of the damage they inflict on people’s lives. are no written laws, rules or regulations that a Narcissist will follow.
They are in COMPLETE denial of their false lives! They have absolutely no notion or care as it concerns right and wrong or truth and lies. We are all potential participants that they will try to maneuver into their big scam and con of life – and very disposable to them once they have gotten what they want. We must gain clarity so that we can come out of the illusion they have created and stop believing in anything about them and put our energy back into ourselves to heal and move forward. Knowledge is power and once we get there WE must discard that Narcissist forever and never look back! Greg
We believed that there was a BOND with the Narcissist – but they do NOT bond with people – they objectify them.
We believed it was a real bond with them, one that was created from love, be it a wife, husband, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, or friend – but it was the furthest thing from love and more akin to hate and of course abuse. As harsh as this definition sounds as it concerns our involvement with a Narcissist, it is real and just the very truth of the biggest lie, manipulation, betrayal, extortion, and destruction we will ever experience in our lives. It is abuse at the hands of a very disordered personality, one that will look you straight in the eyes and state that they love you, but they have a knife to your back to control you AND ready to stab and harm you and even destroy you for no reason other than an association you have with them be it a family bond or an association by chance. The truth is that ANY association with them for ANY length of time and for ANY reason is toxic and poisonous and they will do some sort of damage to your life or wellbeing.
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
The Narcissist is an EXTREME egotist that denies the truth of their repulsive world to themselves and cleverly hides it by the means of a false reflection or mask to pathologically fool or snare us into their grasp. The more the Narcissist is able to successfully ‘seduce’ others and convince them that they are loved the more the bounty (supply) for the Narcissist. They are self-created, or better yet, self-de-created, and then FALSELY re-created. What is re-created is not a self, but a reflection or ‘FUNCTIONAL” copy of a working image of a human being. It is a compilation of observations the Narcissist has made from watching people and mirroring what he/she sees back to them or imitating their good qualities, likes/dislikes, everything and anything but ESPECIALLY love to draw us into their web of deceit. They really bring home the definition of ‘having something in common’ with people. They MORPH into having EVERYTHING in common with us!
The habit of treating a human being or a person as a means to an end is utilitarian (to satisfy a need or fulfill an AGENDA) and fundamentally an inhumane or a pathological and perverted manipulation of our basic human rights. The Narcissist is feeding their endless ‘depravity void’ through injustice by his/her regard for others as mere instruments of the Narcissist’s own gratification. The closer the association to a Narcissist the more pathological the Narcissist becomes, and the more damage done to the target/victim. Their needs are far more than just extorting basic life and biological needs, it is their delusional psychological needs that cause the most damage to their target/victim. It is their need to control and gain dominance or power over other people that damage and destroys them. They are BASICALLY human with most of the same biological needs (like eating, breathing and sexuality) but when it comes to mental functions, they are delusional and seem to have a battle that rages in their head to seriously harm people that love them as if they loathe all people and need to destroy them one by one.
The Narcissist is incapable of love because at the core of his/her Narcissism is the total refusal to revere others as individuals or to truly love and appreciate others as ‘another’ person that is anywhere near equal to the omnipotent Narcissist. It is a fortress or huge wall of jealousy that is weak and wobbly because it always comes tumbling down and the Narcissist shows their true colors with their debasing and dehumanizing mannerisms. What the Narcissist loves is the false self he/she has created and that he/she needs to see reflected in the affirmation and supply from others to feel real and alive. They are actors and actresses picking and choosing their roles and perfecting them to receive their ‘Emmy’ award or better yet SUPPLY from their audience. It is basically a parasitic relationship where the Narcissist is more akin to a TICK feeding on us to survive, as well as infecting us with their poisonous saliva that can and will disable us. We are just a source to feed them, entertain them, and cover their disfigured and abusive lifestyle. After being objectified and abused we are then blamed/shamed and destroyed as if in a ritual way to remove ANY and ALL accountability from the Narcissist because he/she can never allow themselves to see the reality of their disordered life and the destruction they cause ever. This is the truth about their superiority or omnipotence, and it is as flimsy as their reality in this world.
Since a Narcissist is incapable of truly loving another as an individual, all of the Narcissists relationships with others are perverted, twisted, and abusive. To use a person is to abuse a person, and everyone in the Narcissists life WITHOUT EXCEPTION is nothing more than a means of procuring affirmation, adulation, and admiration. We are a means to an end driven by the Narcissist’s self-serving agenda to secure supply or basically to extort from people. It is like a puppet show with the Narcissist having his/her hand in every puppet directing it’s every move.
A Narcissist is calculating and refuses ANY connection or obedience of the basic requirements of life or the natural moral laws as they apply to life and human rights. Obedience to a Narcissist implies that there is something larger or better than what they are and they will never comply because it would define them as being weak to allow anyone to feel significant enough to be their equal or better. It is almost like the Narcissist completely relates everything in life to a measurement, but this measurement begins and ends with them. As the saying goes, the sun rises and sets on a Narcissist because they feel they are above all life.
The Narcissist creates the terms of how THEY measure life, so if they were a “tape measure or a ruler”, they would determine the dynamics of each and every measurement OR define every inch of every foot – and you can believe that it would not be consistent as it is SUPPOSE to be. The Narcissist has to be ‘that’ which measures (and judges) and NEVER that WHICH IS MEASURED and NEVER judged. Literally they “coin” the phrase “give them an inch and they will take a yard.” Well that and anything they can get their tentacles around.
A Narcissist is calculating for the sake of procuring power! Power allows them the control over others that they need to function and survive in our world. It also protects them from exposure and facing the truth of their own disordered and abusive lifestyle. This false mask hides AND protects the Narcissist from having to face themselves off in the mirror and see the reality of WHAT THEY ARE or a modern day ‘DENIAL’ monster that is destructive and abuses life and people. They most assuredly destroy a target that catches on to them, plus they already have the replacement waiting in the wings to pick up the whole process where they left it off with us, stealing ‘supply’ and sucking the very life out of the new target. No fuss, no muss, and never emotions or love just a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist has a new host ready and waiting – seriously this is just the real truth.
The Narcissist’s entire life is built upon the premise to find ‘supply’ to shore up their façade and take what they can from people. They will employ the most devious means at their disposal to get it. So, this chameleon like Narcissist has many colors that help them adapt to every situation that exists that include every gambit of life from like, love, dislike, hate, and destruction. This is all very functional to them as well as mechanical to them and their lifestyle to GET WHAT THEY WANT. The key thing here is that they are abusive and psychologically damaging to people because they loathe people and life and create personal battles to BLAME us and make us pay for their inadequacies.
Nevertheless, our first experiences with the Narcissist has allowed us to believe in a prince/princess ‘charming’ who have done great things in our lives like “loving us” so we hold on to keep the faith, and live with this Narcissist’s amazing BUT fake integrity. It is our empathy, love and basic trust that are targeted. The Narcissist has bamboozled us through this wondrous and seemingly normal façade that IMITATES extreme goodness as well as ‘fake virtues’ that WE hold in good faith. But there is really little or no real substance behind anything they say do or pretend to be. SO, the problem LIES within all of this fake charm! The Narcissist is so very adept at circumventing the intellect and manipulating man/womankind by their craft or better yet craftiness that they have perfected all of their life, so they target us where it counts – OUR EMOTIONS, TRUST, and LOVE! There is NOTHING to them, but the flimsy lies they created to manipulate us into their agenda. No/minimal contact! Greg
The world is the Narcissist’s playground to take whatever they want but never giving anything back unless it serves them.
Narcissists view the world as THEIR playground to take what they want and never give back – and WE are their playthings to use/abuse at will. They view or better yet PORTRAY themselves as omnipotent, moralistic, honorable, superior, religious as well as many other things that they brand onto their worldly resume – none of which have any real connection to who and what they are or abusive and destructive opportunists and even predators.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
A Narcissist never looks inward in a manner to see that they have a personality disorder, or that their world is built on lies and appearances – that is merely a clinical definition for us to sort of understand them. Furthermore, they never admit to being wrong, doing anything wrong, or having wronged or destroying the many lives that they do. However, the Narcissists HAS wronged others, be it cheating, lying, manipulation, hurting them emotionally or physically, BUT a Narcissist manages to project blame on and into the targets/victims and everyone around them. They also have their minions and a new supply to support them or filter their lies through, as well as hide behind to avoid exposure.
In fact, the Narcissist will view him/herself as superior or above the rest of humanity. Narcissists do not see themselves as the pathological and destructive person that lives their entire life like a parasite using and taking advantage of others, objectifying people and then moving on once they have been emotionally drained and damaged a person. Nor does the Narcissist see how flimsy their thin veneer of lies, and false credentials are. No instead the Narcissist will project their false image and describe themselves as a hero of sorts or even a saint as far as it concerns humanity and their role here on earth! Well this is part of their disordered and damaged self that enables the Narcissist to live in complete denial of the damage they inflict onto people’s lives. There are no written laws, rules or regulations that a Narcissist will follow. They are in COMPLETE denial of their false lives! They have absolutely no notion or care as it concerns right and wrong or truth and lies.
The Narcissist considers him/herself above the norms of goodness and elude or defer away from the fact that any of their actions borderline being outright evil toward others. That is the double edged sword that they attack the world with. The truth is that their lives are all about double standards or what serves them. A narcissist will stand tall and preach about morality as if all cheaters should burn twice in hell, but as he/she is giving their lecture from the pulpit they are also surveying the room to find a little extra supply to have on the side. But the Narcissist is not a cheater in their mind, they are DESERVING because they are special and above reprise for their actions in life.
The real definition of a Narcissist is that of a creature that is so preoccupied and focused on their every desire, pleasure and need that it completely blinds the Narcissist from reality and self-blame. The Narcissist re-writes reality to fit his/her delusions AND it is like the Narcissist winning the lottery when they find a new target to extort and harm. They relish the chase and kill!
A Narcissist lives in such a self-contained world of fear and hate that they have to shore it up with every possible denial mechanism available to them to maintain the Frankenstein monster that they really are. It must require an insurmountable amount of energy for them to maintain their disordered fortress that is built on so many layers of lies. A Narcissist most certainly doesn’t want others to use, manipulate, lie, and hurt him/her as he/she does to them. That is why there are so many rules (double standards) in their world that we must abide by. That really sounds like a Narcissist has a master plan and is very cognizant of their actions! It is the Narcissist’s pathological denial that leads them to focus only on their desires, pleasures and needs that also blinds them to their abusive nature and protects them from self-blame. They just project it onto and into us and BAM it is magically gone from their conscious world and we take the blame and shame. AND to further drive the point home they even punish us and think we are weak because they get away with this crap! Greg
There is no trying harder, fixing them, working with them, or achieving ANY type of cohesive relationship with a Narcissist.
There is NO trying harder, fixing them, working with them, or achieving any type of a cohesive relationship with a Narcissist because there is nothing there but a façade, a mask, lies, manipulation, betrayal and THEIR agenda to harvest us as their present source of supply!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
We MUST always remember that there is no ‘reaching’ a Narcissist by trying harder, hoping to make things right, attempting to fix the situation, or achieving any type of cohesive relationship with them. Narcissists WILL consistently manage their victims down through many methods to CONDITION and CONTROL them that includes turning that CHARM back on to manipulate us right back into their chaos. Nobody ever escapes the TRUE agenda of a Narcissist that always includes devaluation and being discarded – or ABUSE!
Think about the many thoughts that have gone through your head like, “if only he/she weren’t so crazy,” or “If only he/she weren’t so cruel,” or “If only he/she wasn’t such a liar,” or “if only he/she wouldn’t have cheated,” Or “if only I would have tried harder to make this work.” None of that is realistic because no person should feel inclined to take blame for such outrageous “if only this or that’s.” How about this – the person you were with is not a fully functional human being and a predator that meant to destroy you through dehumanizing and abusing you. There or no ‘ifs’ in that reality – just facts that THEY are the problem, and THEY do not want to change, and THEY do not want a real relationship, and they definitely do not want love or to even care about anyone – they want an object and to control you to get what they can.
If you think you can help the Narcissist to see the truth about themselves or the way they treated you in the relationship in order to get them to change, you are only in denial because there is no reality to them ONLY NEEDS. Even when this Narcissist is hurling the most abusive poison at you, in the Narcissist’s mind, they believe that they are being magnanimous for pointing out the error of YOUR ways, so you can improve yourself and be the person THEY DESERVE – it is THEIR working mechanism because you are ONLY and object.
In their mind, you should be grateful that they take time from their busy schedule to criticize, abuse and be condescending to you because they feel deserving of anything and everything they want – without reciprocating in the smallest way. When they cheat on you it is because you deserve it for not meeting their every need – and they justify it as being your fault that they had to find WHAT THEY NEEDED elsewhere. They see nothing wrong with it, or that they lied to cover it up, or that YOU better never do the same thing to them. The sun rises and sets on them. They create all the rules and never abide by any of them. This is what a Narcissist does – AVOIDS reality and allow themselves the freedom to do anything they want at will because they are completely entitled to do so no matter how it may harm somebody else EVEN their own biological children! So how do we fix any of that – we DON’T.
The Narcissist sets this all-in motion through CONDITIONING people with subtle to extreme manipulation – both positive and negative. The Narcissist uses devaluation on their target/victim for the sole reason to keep them confused, emotionally trapped, silenced, and off balance to constantly CONTROL them. BUT the Narcissist will also throw them that little bit of hope once again to keep them hanging on and making the victim constantly try harder to bring the relationship back to a cohesive place where it once was. Remember the biggest manipulation was the fake love they conned us into believing was real – as well as that little bit of charm they throw out there. It is a diabolical manipulation of the target/victim’s emotional/psychological well-being. This constantly keeps the target/victim off balance and stuck in their own mind and heart trying to resolve what can NEVER be resolved and THAT was the Narcissist’s goal. This emotional manipulation diminishes the target/victim and keeps them in a constant state of disparity trying to find solutions and answers where there are NONE. There never was a relationship and there never will be with a Narcissist. No/minimal contact to break this cycle of abuse.
You DON’T bargain with someone so that they treat you well. Being treated with kindness, decency, consideration, respect and acceptance should be a prerequisite for an intimate relationship (or any relationship,) not something you are rewarded with for meeting one of the Narcissist’s unreasonable demands or if the Narcissist is trying to manipulate you into fulfilling their agenda by making you a source of supply. Either a person is capable of a reciprocal relationship or they are not. It doesn’t matter what you do or how nice, patient and understanding you are with a Narcissist. They are what they are, a controlling, cruel, abusive, emotional predator and bully. You can’t appease a bully or persuade them to be nice to you. If you do, they will only see you as weak and bulldoze you all the more and that is what the Narcissist does in the devaluation stage. This predator will always devalue and discard EVERY person that has some sort of relationship with them. They are omnipotent and superior in their own minds. In the reality they are damaged, dysfunctional and destructive abusers – but you will NEVER get them to see this. No/minimal contact is the only answer. Greg
Understanding the many levels of abuse so we can move forward to a healthy life again.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist.
Concentrating on us and moving Forward with more Clarity! It takes time to grieve the loss of any significant relationship which unfortunately includes the abusive relationship with a Narcissist. The Narcissist is there in spirit long after they have vanished in the flesh because the Narcissist has attacked the mind/hearts/souls of its targets/victims starting with the extreme charm or love bombing to capture their target, as well as their controlling behavior and devaluation phase that corrupts and traumatizes their target/victim’s normal. With children that have been abused by a narcissistic parent they are born into a life of abuse and there is no opportunity for a normal life because the chaos, constant devaluation, feelings of worthlessness, etc. – diminishes their opportunity for healthy emotional growth.
This is the real danger and confusion that victims of this abuse face. We mourn the love, family, friendship or whatever relationship we thought we had with them because we were tricked, conned, and betrayed into believing this was the real thing and now we are faced with the truth that it was ALL a lie and we were conned into this to ‘supply’ some sort of function or a need.
The emotions and bond just don’t go away and it becomes compounded with the truth about them being our abusers – it is a process to recover but that must be our goal. No matter how awful your Narcissist was, you still need to mourn any emotional losses as well as the betrayal and damage done to your life. This may be confusing because ending a relationship with a Narcissist should ultimately feel like an act of freedom or liberation from an abusive monster.
Unfortunately for many it is not only the loss of the “monster” or the Narcissist, but the loss of many things we truly believed in for a long time that was all ONLY a deceptive façade constructed PERSONALLY for us by the Narcissist that resides in our head/heart. It is about healing at many levels and we accomplish this with knowledge and education as well as support from other victims and survivors. Lastly it is about self-care, self-compassion, introspection, and wanting to get back to a healthy life – this is about YOU and a new journey that does NOT include that Narcissist or the abuse they inflicted onto you!
Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
Narcissists constantly create chaos to keep you off balance, confuse you, use diversion to pull you into emotional upheaval, and then to add insult to the many injuries they will BLAME you to bring it all home! Let’s take a look at how they do this.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
Narcissists continually blame and project – it is YOUR fault always no matter what, and you DIDN’T even do anything but somehow there is an argument that came out of the blue. It is control, confusion, chaos, and managing you down.
Narcissists simply bait you with many conversations in an effort to constantly manage you down and keep you confused. Just with a normal conversation it almost seems like they are testing you or even mocking you. They are gauging your reactions to see just how far they can push you to get a chaotic reaction. They want you to react emotionally and after they bait you to get a reaction they will tell YOU to calm down, or say you are overreacting and make you internalize their disappointment with you. They want the upper hand always to feel in control so the whole point of this is to get you unhinged and they can and will get down and dirty to achieve this. Conversations are always a competition with them just like everything else with a Narcissist. Think of it like this, it is like the Narcissist purposely punches you in the face and then gets angry at YOU for reacting to that punch!
They will use actions as well to drive their point home with you. Suddenly they are not paying attention to you, or they are very eager to get you off of the phone. They will cancel a plan or just disappear without an explanation – basically isolating you and silencing you for no apparent reason. This sucks you RIGHT BACK IN and when they return you calmly confront their actions and receive a resounding “I’m SICK of always arguing with you – WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??” Well you never started an argument in the first place, you were only reacting in a manner to create some sort of cohesive understanding AND peace, but the Narcissist homes in on your confusion (and reactions) and labels them as arguments. They have successfully manipulated you right into their game to make you believe that YOU are to blame and a defective person. They will more than likely verbalize this to you as well!
So how do they do this? Let’s use the example that they cheated on you or they are just being cruel to you. They won’t directly address the truth or reality of the situation but instead they will bring up something totally unrelated from the past that YOU have done wrong. It is sort of like a comparison to divert from their actions and basically justify what they have done. It is their way of keeping score, but they are always the winners because they are the scorekeeper. Perhaps you sincerely admitted to something you had done wrong in your past and you shared it. They will hold you hostage to this and accountable to whatever it was YOU did (even if it didn’t concern them) and then whatever they did really isn’t all that bad compared to your actions. So, don’t you even DARE to hold them accountable or complain about what they did because they are going to bring up your indiscretion(s) from the past! This is not normal resolution this is deceptive manipulation on their part to shore up their lies and actions and a Narcissistic DIVERSION.
Again, all of this is done in an effort to put YOU on the defensive to avert all responsibility and accountability. In any situation where they are threatened by exposure of the reality of what they are the Narcissist has to SHAME you in a manner to stay in control. They have no shame for their actions though and I mean NONE whatsoever. They only transfer their defective qualities onto and into you and basically create strong labels that they attach to you that justify WHY they do what they do. This is really projection. They are transferring their own flaws onto you as well as seeking a reaction that basically confuses or confounds you to drive the point home. They HAVE to respond because they can’t just sit there and allow what they feel are blatant attacks ON THEM because they do NO WRONG! They HAVE to force you into submission so you internalize their attacks as reality of who YOU are. You are not any of this – AGAIN this is part of their extreme manipulation techniques – and one of many!
If you were able to pull yourself out of the confusion when they are doing this, you would clearly see that their reactions are so delusional and a huge defense mechanism to hide the very truth from themselves and everybody else. Educating ourselves about the truth of what a Narcissist is AND does is one of the most important aspects of recovery. It is the bridge that takes us to recovery. To heal we must understand, we must expel everything that we internalized from the manipulative Narcissist and their abuse. We have to realize that these are non-functioning individuals that are predators. There NEVER was a relationship with them, there NEVER will be a relationship with them, AND they are NOT capable of having a REAL relationship with anyone!
Along the same lines they do not change after we depart from them. The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure as well UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation. They probably ran off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day so let them be where they are. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation – NO they will only manipulate you more and use more projection to always make YOU out to be the person at fault. They are securing new supply and you reached your expiration date. ANY attempt at a connection would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along. No/minimal contact to truly get the clarity you need to move forward! Greg
Understanding and accepting the REAL picture and truth of what they are – con artists, emotional/psychological abusers. and extreme manipulators that WANT SOMETHING!
Let’s see the real picture here and accept the truth of what they APPEAR to be and what they really are – CON ARTISTS, opportunists, and emotionally manipulative ABUSERS that WANT something! Don’t fall for any of their manipulative and denigrating tactics – and let’s never forget what they did to us, our families, our friends, our career, and so much more. This abuse is never singular!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and everything else in Between with a Narcissist
Narcissists work extremely hard at making themselves believable as it concerns their overt lies and myths about themselves. They arm themselves with a vast array of learned information they have harvested through their observations of other humans. They acquire and then wear, personalize or enhance this information as if it is truly theirs. So what is the goal with all of this? To snag you into his/her Narcissistic lair to make you supply them with the things they need and can’t get because they are a dark and manipulative personality that envies life, love and people.
They can incessantly talk and talk about most anything without skipping a beat with their interesting information. They are human chameleons that study and imitate the human condition, but with a goal to further their own power by enhancing their stature and influence the people around them to get what they crave, and that is admiration, attention and supply. Undoubtedly, they exaggerate their every claim and position in their life. They are addicted to this omnipotence and we are what they need to use as a mirror to see this amazing reflection of themselves. Unfortunately, what they do in the darkness without a care to the people that love them is also part of the equation with their ability to tell an amazing story to cover up their out-of-control lifestyle or basically lie.
They lie to weasel their way in and out of any situation and come up smelling like a rose. They are pathological liars and controllers in every sense of the word and hide their hideous and perverted life. This is the sad reality of a human connection with them and when you keep that connection alive it turns personally disastrous and destructive as the truth becomes evident that they are not fully functioning human beings and they will take your life down with them. Greg
A Narcissist poisons your mind, your heart, your soul, AND your life! There is only ONE anecdote to their poison and that is going no/minimal contact and discarding that Narcissist from your heart, mind, soul and life.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
A Narcissist clearly crosses the boundaries of defying another person’s human rights and dignity, so much so it is clearly classified as psychological/emotional abuse and domestic violence. They tear down a person’s psychological well-being in such an insidious/sadistic manner that the target becomes completely vulnerable, unprotected and fearful. A Narcissist is completely pathological in every single aspect of how they relate to the people and the world around them. Unfortunately, their world is completely delusional, one in which they do not allow individuality because they are absolute rulers (dictators) in that world. The unfortunate fact is that a Narcissist needs people in their lives to SURVIVE but they just don’t ‘like’ or ‘relate’ to people, so it is a hideous, demeaning, debasing, ANGRY, and abusive coexistence that we get conned and TRAPPED into.
Victims of Narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something. Their confidence becomes so low that they have trouble making simple decisions, questioning and re-questioning things. This is a direct result of the emotional and psychological abuse used by the Narcissist to erode their self-esteem as well as instill confusion and anxiety into the victim to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. This is skillfully guided by the Narcissist and it clouds reality with leading statements like “I never said that”, “You are crazy”, or “you are imagining things.” The Narcissist will even step up the game by reinforcing what they say by backing it up with statements from friends, co-workers, or relatives that supposedly agree and ARE very concerned about the target/victim (and probably just more lies).
Gradually, the target/victim will NOT trust their own perceptions and doubt themselves completely. This more than often also induces depression and anxiety – two separate issues that will have to be dealt with as well as the ‘other’ consequences of this hideous abuse. The target/victim is totally broken and unable to trust their own perceptions in life (the ones we take for granted as just knowing what to do in life, etc.,) so they isolate themselves because life is just too confusing, and they fear it. The victim now doubts everything about themselves, their thoughts and opinions, their ideas and ideals. Ask yourself here and now if you are experiencing this, maybe it is a feeling of hopelessness, fear, confusion, or just an abnormal sense of life, one where you feel very alone and without a real objective to change or fix this or moving forward. Targets/victims will become co-dependent on the abuser for their reality and the Narcissist loves this because that is their goal – TOTAL CONTROL of your thoughts and actions and they are at the steering wheel driving this abuse full forward. Who does this but a highly disordered human being with a dark agenda? Who could take, steal away or destroy any portion of another person’s life for any reason yet alone the agenda of a highly disordered Narcissist that is basically driven by their own hate AND an extortionist as well that wants everything they can take from another human being.
No relationship ever ends in such a shroud of hate and destruction as one that ends with a Narcissist. They annihilate every aspect of the relationship, the person, their life, their family, their friends AND basically everything in a manner to completely disable you/us. Every action and word that comes from a Narcissist is a bizarre attack on your personal reality. It takes you from the goodness and normality that you have had all of your life to a dark place where you now have feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness because EVERYTHING you do is wrong, and you are basically worthless. Even after separation from a Narcissist, the abuse lives on because like a poison it has entered into every cell in your body and in the case of a Narcissistic abuse the poison destroys the mind and reality of their target/victim!
OK – YOU CAN BEAT THIS! You have the ability to unlearn what the Narcissist has conditioned you into believing about yourself and purge the many negative message out of your mind. That old saying “A horse can be led to water but they can’t be made to drink it” – well lets change that a little bit and say “A horse can be led to water and taste it, drink it and swallow it – BUT it can stop drinking it, walk completely away from it and not only find a better watering hole BUT greener pastures and other fully functioning horses.” You have to do this so that you aren’t stuck in a fog of lies that will only guide your life in a negative and destructive direction. What the Narcissist has internalized in you can be EXTERNALIZED and thrown away. Move yourself away from any level of this abuse by knowing that you and only you can change and find normality and the reality of a better life. Say no to the Narcissist, say no to the messages in your head that say you are not worthy, SAY NO TO THE ABUSE. Those negative words and debasing actions are only a curse/spell that the Narcissist casts out on the world and it can’t stick if the Narcissist doesn’t have you under his/her spell. Once you have the education that enables you to see the very truth about this abusive Narcissist, you can remove yourself and break the spell. You have the power to govern your own will and what you will do with your life. You have to take all of that power AWAY from the Narcissist and give it back to yourself. Yes of course no-contact – but when you have to have minimal contact use the truth to really see the abuser that harmed you that is standing in front of you and disengage in your mind from any thought, emotions, words or actions they send your way because they are like bullets from a gun and meant to harm! This is what starts you on your road to recovery acknowledging the truth that this was situational and administered from a personality disordered person. You are not to blame, you were conned into believing this person loved you, you trusted this person, believed in them and gave them your love in return – BUT they were NEVER that person – they were a sadistic and abusive person that caused you great distress. Know this and NEVER allow yourself to accept their abuse again. Greg