Narcissists relate to other human beings merely as objects – you know objects, the things to use and even abuse for self-serving purposes. Things that have no real rights, things that are inanimate, and things that have no feelings. Perhaps a good example would be a tool that performs a certain function WHEN NEEDED and we are just one of MANY of these “tools” that they USE. One is no more important or appreciated than another and again ONLY defined by need and convenience. Knowledge is power that sets us free to move forward on our road to recovery with clarity and validation from the truth! Always remember that YOU are the normal person here and none of this was YOUR fault, nor were you foolish, or to blame for any of this.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
Narcissists adopt and then discard belief systems basically to meet their needs of securing supply as easily as a person would change their clothes to suit a particular “look.” The Narcissist knows that identifying with another person’s beliefs is the basis possible bonding and acceptance or that superficial CHARM. It is a highly deceptive form of camouflage that Narcissists use every day to manipulate people into every aspect of their lives. The Narcissist does this because they lack real emotions and empathy so they mimic or imitate values, beliefs, actions, communication or anything that COULD be identified as having emotions as well as goodness to make the connection.
If a Narcissist can successfully identify with the targets belief, plans, goals, dreams, etc., the target/victim will often succumb to the deception and offer up whatever the deceiver is targeting. With the Narcissist it is total exploitation of the target/victim. The Narcissist employs this tactic with ease like a thief trying to find the right combination to unlock a safe, but with a Narcissist it is unlocking our mind. Narcissists can deceive by quickly adopting ideas and beliefs to meet their agenda to conquer and then abuse. BUT in fact they are not strongly attached to, or form true beliefs and values beyond their own grandiosity and self-importance and vast neediness.
In contrast a normal person can make connections with their own feelings, beliefs, emotions and empathy. This connection with one’s own feelings allows them to develop and live in accordance with real values that allow them to function to include other people in their world. A normal person that has developed a real value system does not violate this system by CHARMING people and HARMING them because of their particular agenda! Society has rules that separate us as the normal functioning human being with the opposite being a non-functioning or not fully functioning human being. Given that Narcissists are emotionally dead, then it follows they lack these internal mechanisms or signals and so they also lack constraint for their actions and impulses, and vast neediness – the Narcissist fits the category of non-functioning human being. They live in a world where they serve every out-of-control need because there are no constraints to stop them from acting on whatever they want. They lack empathy so they just don’t care and are not accountable for their negative actions. People become their objects to use for their short term or long term needs as well as abuse. They live in a theatrical based world where they wear many costumes to ‘fit into’ our world, but for one and ONLY reason and that is to con people into a situation to objectify them to meet the Narcissist’s particular agenda.
Narcissists know how to introduce themselves and engage with another person in order to find out their personal life story, interests, and ask who they are and what they stand for. They know how to manipulate you right into their lair with charm that is really a key to gaining your trust and to open your mind like a safe to find all of the valuables you have hidden away. Many people want affirmation about their beliefs and are open and ca become vulnerable when another person empathically affirms them or identifies with them as having a strong and common connection. This is what opens up our minds to the Narcissist so they can crawl in there and extort everything they can.
Narcissists manipulate others via faking emotions which most people read as being authentic and accurate, and respond accordingly as normal people do. The use of the right “emotion” at the right time opens up the person (target) to the detached and cold Narcissist who is watching from behind their own fake persona, like a predator stalking prey, waiting to seize the person emotionally. The Narcissist’s emotional camouflage is strikingly convincing and fools most people upon who they use it on.
Narcissist over compensate for their devoid and emotionless self with extreme charm or charisma, AND fake personality. Narcissists are seductive by nature and disarm others with seductive charm, talk, gestures, and alluring messages designed to appeal to the victim and connect with just what the Narcissist feels the victim needs at that moment. This is what snares the victim, especially when the Narcissist comes attractively packaged with a huge bow and bright wrapping paper, unfortunately there is no present to be found under all that wrapping and that huge bow – it is just a bottomless, dark and NEEDY empty box that you can fall into.
Narcissists exploit this human need to their own advantage by camouflaging themselves with EMOTIONS to create a connection or an open door to our brain through our emotions and hearts. Manipulation and positive affirmation of our “personal beliefs and likes” induces a form of disorientation, we begin to trust and then our identity or persona is compromised by the Narcissist. It allows us to feel safe, having our values/emotions reinforced and mirrored back to us, and establishes a strong connection and even love. Narcissists know that if they can take an individual in this manner and at this level they have that key to deeply penetrate and manipulate an individual. The victims are hooked and will deeply connect to the Narcissistic predator – simply it is the basic’s that we have grown up with and that is trust, falling in love, or loving a person. Unfortunately, it is not by any means normal because it is the act of the Narcissist manipulating us through mirroring to GET US THERE. It is not foolishness that we fell for this because the Narcissist is really good at this Charm to Harm scenario. What is there not to like about a person that initially treats us with respect and compliments our belief system and shows us empathy?
The unfortunate aspect with a Narcissist is that there is an agenda that follows where they extort and start attacking our belief system through horrendous acts of betrayal, brain-washing, gas-lighting, lying, stealing, etc., to virtually debase, dehumanize and destroy us. This is when the Narcissist reveals their pathology and act upon their destructive nature. This is the cycle of their abuse. This is where the Narcissist’s mask slips and the façade crumbles because it was all an act and the loathsome creature from within rears its fangs and attempts to devour us after they have gained entry into our lives. What is the sense in all of this – none, this describes their personality disorder and their destructive nature. It is not only extorting everything they can but destroying us in the process and to protect their identity so they are not exposed at the disordered person they really are. This was all just a process of being abused – there was never any connection at a human level – just a predator stalking, wounding, and killing its prey to feed!
Narcissists do not only use their charm and destructive manipulation only on partners and in relationships, this is their main tool they use in every aspect of their life. They are in a constant “manipulation/camouflage” mode charming every person in every walk of life. They will easily manipulate any person that can offer them something they don’t have that they want. Be it fame, notoriety, sexual connections, money, gifts or any number of things. Sadly enough this includes mothers, fathers, and brothers/sisters abusing other family member’s even parents abusing their own biological children. It includes work environments where the Narcissist triangulates other employees to damage the work force as well as bosses doing the same. They may hide behind the camouflage of the local church, a charity, political movement, professional group, or corporation. They may obtain a professional degree and have a career or profession such as a doctor, lawyer, preacher, CEO, or in the psychological field. The world is their playground and we are their toys to play with and throw in a heap.
A Narcissist need only join and listen to find out what motivates and drives a person or even a group. Narcissists will then absorb and mimic the dynamics available to them to exploit, pillage, and use every opportunity to take all the supply they can, ultimately causing extreme destruction to the people that they exploit. These are very tricky predators that play hide and seek with the world taking what they want from behind a mask and façade of respectability but behind it is a very dangerous creature that destroys people and lives. Greg
There is no “one” real person inside of them that is fully functioning or normal, instead there are many made up facsimiles of people they use to cover up their dark reality to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people. SO, it follows that there is no proper internal mechanism that exists or functions as it relates to a Narcissist having a normal and functioning ‘personality’ that can relate in a healthy manner with the outside world and the people in it. The reality that exists (and I am very loosely using that word reality) is a thin veneer or skin that is like a mask and costume they CREATE and wear that corresponds with their needs at any given moment TO TRAP ANOTHER TARGET/VICTIM. It is very interchangeable at any given moment as well, so it fools the rest of the world and protects the Narcissist from being EXPOSED as the con artist and abusive person that they are. Knowledge is power to get us to real clarity and freedom from this abuse.
NARCISSISTS – what they APPEAR to be and what they really are – abusive, dangerous and destructive to people!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-N…/…/ref=sr_1_1…
When most people think of a Narcissist, they picture someone obsessed with themselves, mostly their physical appearance as they gaze upon their image in a mirror with COMPLETE admiration of their own beauty. If that were only the truth, there would be many people in this world that wouldn’t have lost so much at the hands and the destructive mouth of a Narcissist. Most people have never heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a real condition certifiable through every psychological journal that is written out there. The Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) is the handbook for mental health professionals and outlines this specific disorder. Who reads those journals if you are not in the field, so most had to learn the hard way by being abused by one.
Narcissists are very elusive creatures, so you won’t find them in a therapist’s office embarking on a journey of introspection to get counseling for their personality disorder OR their abusive behaviors toward others. When I was in therapy I asked my therapist if they have ever treated a Narcissist AND the answer was a resounding ‘NO.’ A Narcissist will never enter into therapy because they are convinced they don’t have a problem – they may go to counseling for appearance sake only or to abuse medications. How unfortunate for those of us that have endured their manipulative and disabling abuse because they leave behind a high body count of targets/victims. It is the victims that are the ones seeking real therapy and how surreal is that!
ANY type of relationship with a Narcissist will leave a person doubting their own sanity after they have been conned in by them. The target/victim, and there is always a target/ victim, is left in total shock, with their jaw dropping to the floor, shaking their head and wondering, “What has happened?”
Then, try talking about your experiences with a Narcissist or describe the abuse to friends, family, a loved one or even a stranger. If you try to explain the disorder through YOUR personal experiences, people will look at you like you have three heads on your shoulders and none of them are talking or making any sense.
It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism too) HAVEN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who just don’t have any closeness or role in their life to see reality of who and what they are in private. Once you get emotionally close to a Narcissist, THEN AND ONLY THEN do you get to see them drop their carefully crafted and charming mask that hides the out-of-control and abusive creature hiding behind it AND that is after they have TOTALLY fooled and conned you and then it is too late because the damage is already done.
A Narcissist is so seductive that he/she makes you believe in him/her with your whole heart, mind and soul. Unfortunately for all who tread on this emotional rollercoaster with a Narcissist they don’t realize just how dangerous this connection with them is. The charm a Narcissist utilizes creates an oblivious feeling of being connected or very attracted to most everything about them. We can become fascinated with someone because of their physical beauty BUT a charming and captivating Narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks, definitely, can increase the magnetic pull towards the narcissist, but that is not at the core of this abuse, it is the manufactured charm that is a psychologically and deceptive tool used to manipulate, condition, manage you down and control you.
They charm people to death (figuratively) and this is what literally attracts us to them. But with a Narcissist it is a magnetism that makes you feel a sort of hypnotizing attraction that manifests itself in your psyche and your soul! In reality you are being charmed by their power of REFLECTING back everything that is YOU creating this intoxicating and deep-rooted bond. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you’ve known them a long time, soul mates, or you feel very safe with them – perhaps you have known them in a prior life or whatever fantasy belief that Narcissist has instilled in your mind.
This is the Narcissists goal and they are the biggest con artists that exist, and they mean to extort everything they can from you. They have unlocked the door to your head and they are planning on using that entry to their advantage. They will move right in manipulate and manage down most everything that is your reality as you KNEW it. A skilled and extreme Narcissist knows just how to reflect your image right back onto you so that you feel like you are almost twins. What’s not to like and trust when you have EVERYTHING in common?
A Narcissist creatively figures out some unique and impressive angle quickly, and one that few people would ever engage in. Basically, they are manipulating your emotions. Narcissists can typically outsmart almost everybody. They are always ten steps ahead of you, so much so that it is uncanny. They are very QUICK with these unique approaches and “BAM” they have swept you off of your feet and keep you there. What else is there to do but bask in the glow of this unique relationship! You are undeniably intrigued by everything about them. When your relationship sours because the ugly truth rears itself with a Narcissist, you better duck for cover and be ready for a whole lot of damage control. They are truthfully characters that are akin to Dr. Jekyll/Mr. or Ms. Hyde – or in other words there is a facade that hides a calculating and dangerous monster beneath a very thin veneer of lies and appearances with an agenda to take what they can from your life.
Again, they are ten steps ahead of you and have already thought through how you will react and are ready to discredit, disable, and destroy you when they need to. You can trust that they are determined to humiliate and obliterate you to avoid exposure of the truth that they are abusive predators. More than likely they have already started another relationship well before they ended the relationship with you. It is always new supply and they will keep up this abusive cycle all throughout their lives.
A skillful Narcissist can tell anybody and everybody a great story just like reciting a well-known fairy tale because they are some of the greatest storytellers. They can weave fictional tales and lies into a complex story about themselves. They mesmerize you with amazing facts, statistics, trivia, history of events, to the point that you feel overwhelmed and just amazed at their acuity and accuracy. They are always the center of these stories, often re-writing their personal history, and lying to embellish the stories. One thing you can say is that they are hardly boring with their accounts of their amazing world and life unfortunately NONE of it is real and it is concocted to seduce you into their life.
They can incessantly talk and talk about most anything without skipping a beat with their interesting information. They are human chameleons that study human nature, but with a goal to further their power by enhancing their stature and to influence the people around them to get what they crave – supply. Undoubtedly, they exaggerate their every claim and position in their life. They are addicted to this omnipotence and we are what they need to use as a mirror to see this amazing reflection of themselves. Unfortunately, what they do in the darkness without a care to the people that love them is also part of the equation because the darkness within always finds its way out. So that charade and their ability to tell an amazing story is really there to cover up their out-of-control and abusive lifestyle so they can fit it by making themselves out like they are above and beyond the ordinary and someone we would LOVE to know.
They lie to weasel their way in and out of any situation and come up smelling like a rose. They are pathological liars in every sense of the word and hide their hideous and perverted life. This is the sad reality of a human connection with them and keep that connection going and the reality turns personally disastrous and destructive as the truth becomes evident that they are not fully functioning human beings and they will take your life down with them.
Narcissists work extremely hard at making themselves believable as it concerns their overt lies and myths about themselves. They arm themselves with a vast array of learned information they have harvested through their observations of other humans. They acquire and then wear, personalize or enhance this information as if it is truly theirs. So, what is the goal with all of this? To snag you into his/her Narcissistic lair to make you supply them with the things they need and can’t get because they are a dark and manipulative personality that envies life, love and people. Unfortunately for those that fall prey to a relationship with them, they exploit one of the greatest emotions to manipulate you into a special place right alongside them and that is love and they LOVE you!
One word you will hear as it concerns a Narcissist is that they always appear magnanimous. All that really means is that they have to appear to be the better person that always takes that higher road of being “better’ than you by forgiving YOUR many mistakes and believe me they are judging everything you do and finding fault. They have many rules, regulations and laws that they make everybody ABIDE by, but they NEVER honor these same rules, laws or regulations which make them pathological hypocrites. The reality is they blame and shame you for things they constantly do behind your back. Well really this is projection and they are dumping their shame and blame onto and into you. They will also use their magnanimousness later to trash and destroy you. You MUST look up to a Narcissist so they can look down on you!
It is ABSOLUTELY amazing how a Narcissist can cover their tracks to hide what can only be described as their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle to most of the world. Remember they are not doing this just to be the amazing actors that they are. These are deceptive and abusive personalities that need this disguise to extort people and life using whatever instrument of abuse they can to achieve their agenda – the best words here are that they are cunning, manipulative, and harmful to any person that has any connection with them.
They create many theatric roles to cover every possible range in life to get supply. My point here is that they can also be highly “respectable individuals” in any facet of life like a therapist, judge, law enforcement personnel, a doctor, preacher, or just about anything. They will most assuredly use any power and authority they may have to create intimidation, distance, admiration, respect and even abuse. They are everywhere because their ‘false mask and persona’ is what we see first and not the personality disorder.
It is still operative abuse and they are very aware of what they do and will lie to protect themselves. Awareness is a big coefficient here and that shouts out the very truth that they have the ability to understand that what they do is horrendous and wrong, BUT yet they will not change or admit to their disorder because is serves them. They are in huge denial and will just write you off with many lies and destroy your integrity and hijack your spirit. More than often when they discover that you are on to them, they abandon you and disappear. They do this if they perceive that you can blow their cover and expose them as the abusive creature they are. Being fully exposed to the world is the greatest fear in their lives but the best medicine and cure is to remove and keep them away from ANY part of your life. No/minimal contact. Greg
At its very core, Narcissism is very simple – it operates on the principle that the Narcissist’s COMPLETE convenience and NEEDS comes first, AND MUST ALWAYS BE MET.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
A Narcissist lives in a world that is a self-made work of their delusional thoughts and actions, a product of their delusional imagination, a delusional façade that they create to pin all of their fake adornments on to be the amazing and omnipotent person that they BELIEVE they are – but the key word is DELUSIONAL because it is purely a self-serving world. It is all about appearances that are meant to DECEIVE people and draw them in. The Narcissist does not recognize individuality in people, instead people are mere objects to decorate or adorn the Narcissist’s world of lies and manipulation as well as support the huge façade – it is all about IMAGE and having ALL of their MANY needs met. We are the Narcissists audience that must continually praise their every word and action, as well as totally support their delusional façade that they are magnanimous human beings! The objects in the Narcissist’s world must not contradict the illusions or be BETTER than the Narcissist. So we all have our separate support roles, but more importantly we have to serve them and supply them with whatever it is that they want and for as long as they want us to.
This façade is the very tool that the Narcissist creates with all of his/her objects that affirms their invented reality. There is no continuity in this ‘false’ world because the Narcissist’s needs are so overwhelming that there are many little worlds in their one big fake world and each one is created with an individual flair for whomever the Narcissist is conning and using for whatever! My Narcissist had a few relationships on the side that I was not aware of! More than often the Narcissist can merely forget the present role they are playing or one of the many lies they have told and get discombobulated – but they are used to this and will deny any accountability about their inconsistency. I could always tell when there was someone new in my Narcissist’s life because of a new speech pattern, certain actions, or new words I never heard before because they basically morph into the new or newer supply! They will also borrow bits and pieces from their past relationships and intertwine them into present relationships because there is no ‘real’ personality to be found in a Narcissist so basically what you see or experience are things that they have learned from the past that help them take on the appearance that they are normal. They are predators that evolve with each and every new attack on another human being. We have to understand that this façade is the real agenda with these frauds no matter how emotionally attached we may feel. Simply put there is NOTHING real about them.
At its very core, Narcissism is very simple. It operates on the principle that the Narcissist’s COMPLETE convenience and NEEDS comes first, AND MUST BE MET. This is not simple selfishness, it is the key component of Narcissism and goes all the way down to their “core” or what makes this Narcissist tick. So, whatever is convenient for them to believe about something is what they believe, AS LONG AS IT MEETS THEIR NEEDS. What that includes is how they construe events, how they construe other people, how they construe themselves – and all of this is done by a creature that has no empathy to care about their actions, lies and manipulation – just needs and only THEIR needs. Their reality is driven fundamentally by their needs and it is not a give and take relationship at all!
There are lies that are in every aspect and at every level of their world, be it their ‘loving’ home life, with their family, their career, their religious affiliation, their friendships, organizations they engage in, etc. Lies at work, lies at church, lies at organizations, lies to friends, lies to the immediate family, lies to their significant other, lies to keep their secrets, just LIES UPON LIES! Yes, it seems like they are able to maintain some sort of stability with any given ‘so called relationship’, but that is only on the surface and it is just to support the bigger façade and usually based on complete and fake charm to achieve their abusive agenda.
They are amazingly good at it though! Think of the Narcissist as ‘The Pied Piper” that mesmerizes anybody that listens to his/her flute – and there are so MANY different and seductive tunes that trap most anybody. For example, you may believe that this Narcissist is exclusively yours, but he/she has many other relationships going on even though they are pretending they are in a committed relationship with you. By compartmentalizing people, events, and actions with all of their secrets nobody is ever the wiser! They keep their dirty secrets hidden from the real world AND should you ever catch onto their lies they will defend themselves with more lies to protect themselves as well as destroy your integrity to stop you from getting at the truth or exposing them! You can also believe that Narcissist is probably quoting scriptures, preaching about how bad the world has become, preaching morality, and bragging about what a good parent they are too! But they are criticizing you and destroying your integrity behind your back while preaching on their pulpit to their many supporters that can’t see through the superficial charm. Oh, and yes they are looking for and possibly securing new supply as they preach to everyone. Somebody always falls into their charm and lies!
Narcissists are just amoral with all of the crazy lies that are solely based on the Narcissist getting what they want, and it is just that simple. Of course, they need to support the ‘great façade’ first and foremost so they fit into our world or else they would be rejected within a minute of meeting them if people only knew about the darkness inside of these creatures! Narcissists are here and walking among us to TAKE or a better yet extort what they can from every aspect of life through manipulating the greatest resource – PEOPLE. The emotional attachments we form with these critters are formed from the very lies that this Narcissist uses to drag us into their world! Lying to us about how much they love us is just what they do to get the game going. What a bizarre phenomenon to have to accept as a reality or having to believe that another human being can con you into loving them so completely just so they can extort what they can from you and probably the person that is standing right there and next to you too. BUT again, they are so good at it and so seamless with their lies that we feel so personally attached to this warm and loving LIAR!
They will marry for years, even start a family and seem like a strong family person (mother or father,) but what goes on behind this horrendous façade (and in private) is a lying, destructive, and raging creature that couldn’t care less about their spouse or family. The Narcissist I knew used their marriage to cover up such a perverted lifestyle that it just saddens me to think that another human being could drag a family down to this level and walk away from them and even brag about their new lifestyle so openly AND inflicting more and more damage. They don’t care as long as they get exactly what they want! They lack any and all restraint when it comes to their needs as my Narcissist did and then turn it around and make light of their actions and even blame the ex-spouse. The truth I learned about my ex Narcissist and the destruction that this Narcissist inflicted on their ENTIRE family is beyond comprehension and should be criminal. This Narcissist to this day continues with the lies pretending to be an amazing parent with the silly minions that sing praises back to this Narcissist. I am also still an open target because of my writing and strong voice! The people that know the real truth (the family and other target/victims that were left with this delusional creature’s hate and damage,) are not any part of this adoring ‘peanut gallery’ that sing these praises – instead they are still the recipient of chaos and damage and stuck with this Narcissist. Does any of what I mentioned matter? The answer for me is no, but I am not in the direct firing line anymore – but if you have biological children and have to stay connected it can be a life of constant and disabling chaos dealing with them even if you have broken the emotional bond.
Life would be simple if we could just expose these critters, but unfortunately they take their game to the highest level by abusing people to get their needs fulfilled. They take a target/victim to such a high with their lies that you can’t see the trees through the forest until it is too late! It is so personal to each person because the Narcissist knows how to get into your head and extract information to seem like they have so much in common with you! You feel this amazing love they have for you and then you are none the wiser that they are extorting your goodness, life and love while they are living their disgusting lifestyle in the darkness with whomever will participate. Families are created and years go by for so many targets/victims of this abuse and they are left trying to dig out from under all of the damage. Narcissists have troops all around them that have also bought into the façade and lies that support the Narcissist’s lies and games and they are none the wiser either. The Narcissist isn’t going to let you get near to the truth about the people they have abused, destroyed and left behind. They have buried all of those bodies under so many destructive lies that it would take a backhoe to dig them up and out from under all of the lies and destruction!
They get married and even their children become part of their huge façade and they easily leave them behind UNLESS they need them to shore up their façade/lies for some reason. Anybody that has children to a Narcissist knows this all too well – but Mommy or Daddy Narcissist will be there to pirate a family picture or occasion to use on social sites and pretend that they are the most amazing and loving parent! Their minions all sing praises to the Narcissist just like they were trained to do. A picture is worth a thousand words – especially if you are a Narcissist that loves to post pictures for those praising words. The real parent does ALL of the work in raising the kids, as well as supports their real needs! You will never see much interaction from the children and family that have experienced so much disparity around the Narcissistic parent because they have lived the truth far too long and avoid contact as much as possible.
When a target/victim or ANY person falls out of favor the Narcissist will jump to action and do DAMAGE CONTROL rallying negative support against that person from everyone. They are like a heat seeking missile that is seeking out the target/victim that has fallen from the Narcissist’s grace! The target’s integrity is basically destroyed, and they become an outcast (discarded!) This can continue for days, weeks, months or even years. It will only end when the target/victim has either groveled or begged sufficiently or the Narcissist has a new target to destroy in their delusional world and needs you back to strengthen their inner circle again so they raise your status back up so you support them again! The Narcissist calls ALL of the shots and decides when you have been sufficiently punished and shown sufficient remorse and all of it is dictated by the Narcissist’s needs once again. The Narcissist is a dictator in their world!
So the coefficient here or what is common to every Narcissist is their pathological lying. The Narcissist presents this false self to the world, AND this false self is based on the image of who the Narcissist would like to be OR needs to be rather than what the Narcissist really is (a dark and soulless creature) and it changes with each and every new relationship. So basically, the main trait we MUST always associate with them is this outrageous and vindictive ‘lying’ that supports that false mask or front regarding the Narcissist’s supposed love for us, as well as the fake accomplishments/achievements, amazing lifestyle, fake morality, etc. Plus, we MUST actualize that the Narcissist’s compulsive and pathological lying means that the Narcissist will not be responsible or accountable for questionable actions BECAUSE they are aware they are lying and will defend themselves because it is the functioning component in their world. This Narcissist also uses projection, which means falsely accusing others of their crimes by dumping the shame and blame on them because it is some sort of delusional cleansing that the Narcissist uses. Narcissists also create third parties in their ‘camp’ as false allies, or to support a smear campaign against THOSE that dare oppose them. When applied vengefully, the Narcissist is capable of pathological lying to severely damage other people’s well-being and reputation. They are completely impenetrable, and we have to accept this and move so far away from their distorted relationship with us or be destroyed! This is reality and this is abuse. Your freedom will bring you the clarity to move forward and start healing. No/minimal contact always. Greg
Knowledge is power so we know/understand that NONE of this had anything to do with us personally – that is where we get our validation as well as from sharing our stories AND the support of other victims/survivors. Only those that have experienced this abuse understand the real trauma that is associated with it and that is key to our recovery. With clarity and support we get a clear picture of what happened and then from there we are able to start moving forward with our personal recovery by concentrating solely on ourselves and rejecting the chaos and crazy-making from the Narcissist. Knowing the truth DOES set us free!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
I want to describe some of the quirky actions and abusive behavior a functioning Narcissist puts into motion in their immediate environment to divide and conquer or basically control people. SO really just a little extra insight about some of the typical ways a Narcissist maintains their ‘center of the universe’ agenda or omnipotence. How they ‘operate’ as well as some of their manipulative reactions to distort our reality through blaming, shaming, drama, invalidating, making fun of your insecurities, and sharing secrets with others to triangulate and make you out to be the biggest piece of ‘poo’ in the world to build themselves up. This is all categorized as their manipulative chaos, crazy making, manipulation or how they take us ‘From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between!’
Narcissists will fake or imitate empathy, sincerity, caring, and honor under the guise of good intentions with an agenda to GET SOMETHING from you or anybody – they pretend to be the best little boys and girls in the world.
They blame and blame some more and then blame again, NEVER taking personal responsibility for anything they do wrong which is most everything because their needs and desires can basically be described as out-of-control and they do NOT care who they harm in the process of getting what they want! Their needs trump everything else!
They are extremely HIGH maintenance creatures because they need your constant attention, praise, adulation, and deference to all of their whims, fancies and needs without a single consideration to any of your needs. Deprive them of something they want and look out as they reveal their true destructive nature through raging, put downs, and attacks!
They COMPLETELY lack all empathy, so they just don’t care who they harm, use, or abuse! It doesn’t matter if it is you, me, their mother/father, brother/sister, biological children, friends, senior citizens, husband/wife, the pastor/priest, law enforcement officials, and judges – get the point they will psychologically ABUSE everybody to GET THEIR WAY or what they want!
They may put on a great show, even smile, hug you, OR even ask how you are, but seriously they are not interested about you as a living and breathing person, yet alone an individual that shares this planet with them – you are only supply and they WANT something! Think of them as a trained parrot saying, “Pauley wants a cracker” but with them it is more aptly described as “Narcissist wants some supply.” There is no TRUE meaning behind the words with Pauley (the parrot) or the Narcissist (soulless critter) – it is just a learned behavior to get something they want.
If you ever dare point out one of their many flaws or an error they made, they will strike out at you in a poisonous and defensive mode like a venomous snake. They will counter any notion with anger, venting, rage, silencing, ignoring you with a cold shoulder, or abandon you as DUE punishment. Their attitude could be described as ‘how dare you attack any aspect of my perfection!’
They will create some amazing and exciting plans, but rarely will make them happen. They want you to anticipate their generosity, but they will never offer anything more than the empty words. It is all ‘make believe’ or better yet manipulating you to believe and keep you connected to that false belief that someday they WILL come through with ANY of their promises Basically it is a ploy to make you believe they are giving and caring. Ask them about those non-existent plans and they will turn it around on you saying you just never seemed interested, or they never said this or that, etc.
They will create some form of chaos to upset you and then shift the blame onto you to purposely make you feel defensive – THEN they will belittle and devalue you for being defensive, saying you are ‘an angry person’ or over-reacting by taking everything so personally. Since they do this so seamlessly they always keep you in a place of insecurity and confused or walking on those eggshells. They totally invalidate your ability to have any opinion as far as it concerns their words AND actions! They always keep you frozen in place to deflect the truth of what they are, AND they will keep you there forever trying to only please them until you stop believing and then they will just find a new replacement.
They will help you out in some manner but make you feel indebted for the little thing they have done AND they will keep reminding you of it! It invalidates the bigger picture of all that YOU have done for them.
They are psychotic story tellers, blowhards, braggers, brow-beaters, psycho-bullies, arrogant, big-headed, and everything they say is one enormous lie.
Whatever they may do to help you out, they will make you feel beholden to them FOREVER. But they are never appreciative or even acknowledge any help you give – they will even find some way to negate whatever you do for them.
They are extremely skilled at making and distorting your reality with their words, actions and manipulations basically conditioning you to crave their constant approval or become dependent on them and CONSTANTLY HAVING TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
They build you up then knock you down. They will make you feel loved and very special, then they emotionally distance themselves from you to keep you unsure of the relationship and your reality.
They are a mishmash of behaviors and actions that they have harvested from different people they met at different times in their life. All of their ideas or ways of behaving in any given situation are stolen from others – maybe people they know or perhaps think of as an authority or special. They will morph into these qualities like an actor memorizing their role in a play or a movie because they do not have their own ‘normal’ reality.
They push your buttons like an elevator, with constant ‘ups and downs’ to keep you off-balance blameworthy OR the very opposite of this with positive compliments to lock you back up into the cycle of abuse.
They groom you with subtle to extreme manipulation with a combination of charm and rage (harm) to keep you controlled.
Their sense of omnipotence and self-importance (extreme neediness) means that they will manage down the conversations of others and bring it back onto themselves. Whatever you were discussing that may have been personal and important always turns around into a subject that concerns THEM, and your words are lost forever and diminished.
They are PATHOLOGICAL liars, using all forms of lies to deceive. To quote a friend of mine, ‘If they are breathing, they are lying!’
They treat people as servants and expect them to do mundane things or always pay their way, since they feel so deserving and too important to do them. They manage people down to be more of a servant to them without a voice.
They constantly use “I”, “me,” and “my” when they talk because they are the most important thing in the world – it is ALWAYS about them. To go a step in the same direction, it is always “me, myself, and I” and never ever “we” unless they need something so they manipulate you once more to believe in the “we.”
You will very rarely if ever hear them talk about their innermost thoughts, life, memories, or dreams, because there are none that are real and personal to them. They just LIE and make up situations to create a false image of their extreme goodness and amazing life. For example – they will pose in a picture with their biological children as if they are such a real participant in their world when they just happened to be in a situation where their spouse did ALL of the work and the Narcissist poses for the photo opportunity but did NOTHING real to support the spouse’s efforts in raising them.
They remain at a childlike level of maturity where there is never any growth – there is no operable maturity in their thinking and they ACT like a spoiled 3-year-old.
They express fake empathy and use it as a tool that they con unsuspecting targets into their lair of darkness. They preach at that pulpit of respectability and morality where there is NONE in reality.
They only “give to get” by being nice or helpful expecting reciprocation. Always an agenda to get or take something as supply.
They present themselves as “having it all together or being on top of the world” never showing or divulging their many failures, weaknesses AND true darkness!
They shift to a defensive mode and/or rage very frequently when they feel threatened or are made accountable for their deceptive manner. This is a HUGE control mechanism to keep you in a subservient place or role in their lives or fearful of their retribution!
They apologize, but it is ALWAYS shallow and never means there will be a real change in the bad behavior they were called on, it just means they are reeling you back to abuse you more for supply and keep you hanging on ONCE MORE!
They deflect or run from their own problems rather than addressing them responsibly AND just blame someone else in the world. It is always YOUR fault that they did what they did!
They will demand your trust rather than earning it – and they will never be transparent enough for you to see any of their real qualities only the fake ones they create to shore up their ‘good’ image. They KNOW that they aren’t real enough to trust, so they always deflect to hide what they really are.
They see you as an extension of themselves, an object to use, you are never an individual and they will resist your every attempt at freedom from being their source of supply.
They re-write history, create incredulous and false stories, euphemisms, make up their own rules and laws but obey none. Their truth is completely FALSE!
They always talk about themselves to stay in control – our role is that of an entity like a mirror where they can stroke their ego through the false image they reflect onto us!
They find all of your weaknesses and exploit them to make you feel vulnerable AND they will use them against you by always pointing them out.
They honor NO personal boundaries and rarely listen or respect your “No.”
They will easily take advantage of others to reach their own goals without giving their actions a second thought. There is absolutely NO empathy or a single care in their world.
They will take or steal whatever they want from you or anybody. What is yours is theirs (without asking!)
Their façade is to always appear to be tough-minded, unyielding and unemotional to remain in control of others. But they will react to criticism with anger, blame-shifting, shaming or humiliating others to maintain their façade.
They fail to recognize people as individuals and consequently demean, devalue and dehumanize everybody that enters their lair of deceit. Their actions are dehumanizing and sadistic.
They are very aggressive, hostile, verbally vicious, MEAN, and will punish anybody that wounds their delicate ego. They will divert to their defensive mode and will rip you apart with their rage and disgusting mouth. They think nothing of physically making fun of somebody to empower themselves and this makes them feel like they are in control.
They will vocalize regret for their actions, but it is for ‘show’ and only for a short period of time. They will soon rationalize it away with blame, shame, projection and basically dumping it all down our throat as being the problem and not them.
In some cases, they present themselves as ALWAYS being the sexiest, best looking and they will tell you how this person and that one checked them out and ‘wanted’ them. Their appearance is important, so primping in every mirror, and fastidiousness is common ground for them.
They talk in such inappropriate ways and believe that they are above reproach and we actually want to hear their perverse words or listen to their descriptive dialogue about their out-of-control lifestyle.
They will rationalize everything to make sure they always come out on top by negating praise that is appropriated to someone else.
They will steal your idea, your plan, your wisdom and EVEN your life and make it their own. They will fake their credentials, re-write history, name drop, lie on their resume or about their credentials – anything to get what they want without earning it the correct way.
They can create destructive chaos in any organization or business environment and cause dissention among the people that work there. This includes volunteer situations, church organization or virtually any group setting that they join.
This is a PARTIAL list of how a Narcissist puts their ‘crazy making’ into an operative agenda in every situation they can. An important point is that their abuse is never confined to just relationships they abuse every person and or situation that they are a participant in. Think about those toxic people around you that you just know will create some sort of reactionary situation EVERY time they are around be it at a family gathering, work, church or anywhere. It seems that there is always trouble where this particular person is at OR they always seem to put wedges in between people. Their abuse is all too familiar to their families, biological children, friendships, co-workers, and organizations they are involved in. Unfortunately, the closer you are to them the more apparent their abuse becomes. They charm their way into everybody’s lives and ALWAYS harm them. I coined the phrase from “charm to harm” because it describes the reality of Any RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. Allowing a Narcissist into your life is a train wreck waiting to happen. You must avoid them like the plague because their crazy making is really psychological abuse that severely damages people, their careers, and their whole life. No/minimal contact is the only anecdote to their destruction and poison! You CAN’T allow them into any aspect of your life! Lock them out of your heart and mind! Greg
Yes, it was all one big lie and the person you cared about or likely loved (depending on if it was a relationship, family member, close friend, co-worker, etc.) never existed within the realm of what you believed was a real relationship of ANY type! Those ‘charming declarations’ and/or love-bombing were tactics and part of their disordered manipulation to gain control over you and your emotions and to pull you into a specific agenda for THEIR gain. It is very, very hard to internalize that what you believed in was just all a huge lie and con! Their whole life is a lie and every person that has ever had any sort of relationship with them succumbs to this – we are only a convenience to a Narcissist. They will wear a different disguise to lure a new target/victim in and it is solely based on opportunity or what the target has to offer that the Narcissist needs or can use. It is the SAME cycle that they use to abuse every new target into their agenda.
They are magicians that use ‘smoke and mirrors’ to get you to BELIEVE in their magic – but in the end you realize it was ALL hocus-pocus!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
Narcissists are very cunning creatures and it is virtually impossible for a ‘normal’ person to wrap their head around this because Narcissists can and do act as if they are perfectly normal, and SANE! Then the question arises as to how they can keep up the many charades with different people as well as how they are able to lie so easily, hurt people, and not have any remorse?
So how do they do this? They compartmentalize situations, people, and events completely and keep them separate. Narcissist are very private about their world because it is filled with so many secrets and lies! Secrets and lies that consist of information that is potentially negative and destructive to their lives AND with us if the truth is revealed and the Narcissist is exposed as the monster they are! Basically this is what a liar would have to do or be exposed for what they are – Narcissists are very adept at doing this because it is their complete façade and lifestyle – or everything they do is based on deception. They don’t just deceive the world part-time – this is their full-time lifestyle and basically a career for them!
If their twisted lifestyle or the secrets/lies are revealed either accidentally or purposefully it will cause great chaos or perceived harm to the Narcissist and those faithful minions that support them and it would essentially destroy their world. The Narcissist doesn’t care about what YOU or I feel, they only fear the exposure of just how distorted, perverted, and abusive their world is and that they are in this for gain not relationships or bonding. Narcissists will use drama, rage, threats, fear, and deflection tactics by ALWAYS blaming everyone else for their deceptive behavior as well as creating great confusion with stories that just don’t make sense. The Narcissist I dealt with could put a spin on a story to cover up a lie without hesitating – it just came naturally like breathing air.
Narcissists are also very adept at minimizing their own blame or culpability and are skilled at transference, or the art of transferring blame to anyone close by or connected to the situation. The Narcissist will appear to apologize or use their distorted manipulation and tell you exactly what you want to hear to lead you to believe that the secret you found out is an isolated occurrence and it just happened through circumstances ‘out of their control’ or they were set up. It is all BS and there are so many other occurrences that you just don’t know about yet, but if you do find out about them it will be the same old excuses that the Narcissist was wronged, someone else is lying, etc. They have many lives going on and many lies as well. You will ‘get this’ one day as I unfortunately did and it is a horrendous revelation when the truth is right there in front of you and your jaw is dropping to the ground in disbelief!
Narcissists have a lot of internal shame driving them because of their inability to live outside of their out of control fantasy world. They are like magicians that create their false magic with smoke and mirrors, but the Narcissist uses their words and lies so quickly and effectively in an effort to confound or confuse our ability to see or hear the very lies that are right in front of us. They are not fully functioning human beings and they completely lack empathy and do not know love, but they need us to satisfy their needs like we need air to breath. This is why they con the world into believing they are WHAT THEY AREN’T!
Furthermore, Narcissists will keep many, many secrets from EVERYONE close to them and spin such intricate webs of lies that are tailormade for each person in their life AND that is why you feel so special and like YOU are the only one, BUT they are telling stories to many people and none of us are special. They will also play one side against the other by triangulating to divide and conquer to keep that truth separate by keeping people and relationships separate. It is purely a diversion tactic that they create between people. Narcissists will also play the victim card BIG TIME as if THEY were the one that was taken advantage of without knowledge and fell into a situation and couldn’t help what they did because they are the honorable one that took the fall for someone else! They are also very adept at spinning lies around a little bit of truth especially as it concerns PAST relationships or their many PRESENT lies and betrayal. My Narcissist had to work overtime to cover up the disastrous turmoil that this Narcissist caused to an ex-spouse and family! I even had the ex-spouse COME TO MY HOUSE while the Narcissist was there with me.
So, in reality Narcissists have compartmentalized their many relationships with this deluded superficiality but it is all lies, deception and there is no real intimacy attached to us or anybody in these relationships with them. If everyone that knew the Narcissist got together in the same room and openly talked, the Narcissist would be completely exposed or BUSTED. This is why the Narcissist uses compartmentalization to divide and conquer. NOBODY becomes the wiser to all of the deceit and lies that exist in their world with the Narcissist. The Narcissist effectively keeps the past from catching up with the present and this creature is ALWAYS on top of their game being ten steps ahead of everybody else to hide their distorted lies and lives. Free yourself from the Narcissist and those wedges completely disappear and the distorted truth comes out loud and clear! What is the coefficient here? The Narcissist that creates these wedges between you and everybody else!
The Narcissist is so deeply invested in his/her image and will do whatever it takes to protect themselves from exposure. Their actions are so extreme to maintain their false illusions they have created and it becomes a matter of self-preservation and the Narcissist will think nothing of destroying your self-esteem, self-worth, reputation and integrity to protect themselves. Their lies catch up with them eventually and we end up in the trash heap with every other target/victim that dared demand accountability. This IS THE FATE of every relationship with a Narcissist. They are very calculating and exacting at retaining their ability to survive as the predator they are so they can continue to find prey. It is a matter of survival, otherwise if their true distorted personality were apparent they would be like a fish out of water (a shark.)
Of course, it goes without saying that all of their distorted efforts or the many secrets, lies and deceptions that support their lifestyle make it impossible for a person to sustain any sort of an emotional bond with them or even a simple relationship. This is due to the fact that the many lies pile up to a point that they take on a life of their own that eventually becomes so apparent to the target/victim. In other words, the Narcissist is never that adept to cover up their reality because it is just too distorted for them to maintain any semblance of a relationship with anybody. They are SO out of control and careless that they can’t keep up with their own lies with any one person. They can fake it for as long as we BELIEVE them, but in time the truth lights the way and their honorable mask falls off and shatters from the many lies that weight it down! But again, they will use horrid manipulation to make you fear their retribution and keep you strung along in their abuse until they are DONE with you. Unfortunately, they will also try to destroy your integrity in an attempt to put all of the blame on YOU so they can escape and find their next viable source of supply with a new story, new lies, and a plethora of charm to create the Narcissistic magic one more time. No/minimal contact! Greg