Once we see the abuse and the abuser behind the mask we can NEVER unsee it or go back to it again! The UNSEEN ABUSE that only WE see and know because it happens behind OUR closed doors. That Narcissist’s CHARM that soon turns into HARM when we let them into our lives, our world, our head, and our heart! It is time to ‘boot’ that Narcissist out completely, close that door, and bolt it shut so that Narcissist can never return and get back in.

 

Once we see the abuse and the abuser behind the mask we can NEVER unsee it or go back to it again! The UNSEEN ABUSE that only WE see and know because it happens behind OUR closed doors. That Narcissist’s CHARM that soon turns into HARM when we let them into our lives, our world, our head, and our heart! It is time to ‘boot’ that Narcissist out completely, close that door, and bolt it shut so that Narcissist can never return and get back in.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist skillfully weaves their manipulation into our lives to make us become dependent on them by isolating us, distorting and destroying everything around us that is real to us, and then all that is left for us is THEM. They make us believe in them as if they ALONE are our savior to blind us from reality. They tell us how people talk about us, or this or that person is not good for us. They love us and ONLY want to protect us with this truth and HELP us, but they are subtly planting these distorted messages in us to get us to believe in them completely and isolate us and keep us close to them alone! These messages do their magic by making us feel worthless and as if something is terribly wrong with our lives and with us. In this process they are also gathering personal information from us to USE AGINST US too. So they are also telling these very people that love us that WE are also talking about them and they need to be CAREFUL as it concerns THEIR connection with us – this in turn isolates us completely.

Charm and love was what the Narcissist used to con you into the abuse by gaining your trust and a commitment to them as well as keep you connected and believing in them. The abuse was the working mechanism that this Narcissist used to control you, manage you down, isolate you, disable you and then use you completely to meet their needs. The WHY doesn’t matter because you can’t fix this disordered person, nor should you attempt to. You saw that by loving them you were only abused, what could be more powerful than your love and why allow yourself to expend it on a desperate and destructive love with a Narcissist? If a person were damaged and fixable, unconditional love and support from another person would be healing, appreciated, and accepted. People that are real would seek out healing love and embrace it, not use it to keep you falsely connected to their agenda to use you so completely! Your love was abused because this is a disorder that you do not have the power to heal within this person (the Narcissist). You must know this and move forward for you and only you. You must use your powerful love to heal yourself!

We have spent too much time dodging their bullets and sheer survival has forced us to expend a lot of energy in trying to make sense out of the rantings and chaos of a disordered individual or a Narcissist. We could never dodge all of those bullets so we were really only a target with a big bull’s eye on us for Because of their pathology. The truth is that they just don’t care because they have the keen ability to release from any and all accountability. They don’t know love and never will but they will use it to manipulate a victim. They lack empathy so they can walk away from anybody, even their own children and blame everyone else for the reason why they abuse. They truly are predators that use power to control and abuse. They have no power over us because they are made of lies and deceit and that is not reality – especially OURS! Bulls eye on our back.

They are using the familiarity of personal stories we shared with them AGAINST us. This is triangulation where they pit one person against the other! They are destroying everything we love and cherish so that we become totally dependent on them. That is the addiction and trauma bond that is forced into our reality. Who do you turn to when you hear that everything around you or about you is so terribly wrong? The person that is standing directly in front of you that is loving you so completely BUT in reality they are poisoning you at the same time! If I had a dollar for every time I heard my Narcissist tell me that SOMEBODY was saying negative things about me, even Psychiatrists that were evaluating me and telling my Narcissist I was unstable – as well as family members, co-workers or EVERYBODY! As silly and unreal as that sounds I am not kidding or exaggerating! A Narcissist does this very subtly and they are seamless at weaving their triangulation with little tiny bits of truth and lies into your conscious world to make it seem plausible. I was an emotional punching bag to a highly disordered and not fully functioning human being. I finally got it and pushed forward and totally away from it and back to reality where I was before I fell into this devastating abuse and today I am so much better as if I walked away from some sort of darkness and back into light, life and love again!

So there are two essential and distinct parts to this acceptance to enable you to start on your personal journey to recovery and they are the emotional and intellectual realities. Intellectually it is understanding that this is a personality disorder to basically get you to your ‘ah ha’ moment that this was not anything near this love you believe/believed in but the actions of a ‘not fully functioning human being’ that was conning and using you. Emotions are not as easy to untangle especially when it involves that amazing thing called love that connects/bonds you to this disordered creature and distorts the truth and your reality – but you must realize that this love was also part of that huge con job. BUT we ARE able to fall out of love and it is so important to fall out of this toxic and poisonous love with both perspectives to see the clearer and bigger picture that it was purely destructive to you and meant to be. There was NO REAL LOVE!

Intellectually you need to assert the truth that they ARE so very disordered so you can purge the negative messages that were planted in your head that you are not worthy of this Narcissist’s love or a normal life. These negative message were purposeful to manage you down to nothingness so the Narcissist could control you, isolate you, and keep you there while they extorted and used you as a source of supply. These messages are tricky because the positive ones from the ‘charm’ and ‘love bombing’ are mixed in there so well with the negative ones from the devaluation and discard and this is what has you so locked up in the ‘fog’ or confusion that you are feeling. They have to be separated so that the positive love-bombing messages don’t pull you backward into believing that it WAS/IS real and there is a chance to fix this. Then intellectually understanding that all the blame/shame, lies, demeaning attacks and manipulation on you were projections from a very angry and cunning creature to make you feel completely worthless and convince you that you deserve this – as well as to CONTROL you. They are only as powerful as you allow them to be. Break the destructive messages and attachment to them and they are no longer able to control you and you are free to become yourself again. Knowledge and truth are the keys you need to unlock the prison that this Narcissist has locked you up and in!

You must first STOP the dance and take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. If you do not take care of yourself, no one will do it for you. This unfortunately is our journey that we MUST take. The very best thing you can do is to end the toxic relationship, which is slowly making you mentally and physically sick and distorting your concept of what real love AND life is meant to be. You must purge the manipulative and destructive messages OUT of your head or else they will be stuck there with you forever. You have already stayed with this Narcissistic liar, cheater and a mental abuser for way too long, and understand there is no love there, only a twisted addiction to something that has become a horrible and debilitating routine in your life. Do not waste one more second of your precious life with this Narcissist when you have a chance to achieve the true happiness in life and the ability to love normally. Remember what got you here and ask yourself why you would want to get back with this destructive person to try to fix all of the absurd abuse when you CAN’T. Then look at your life and actualize how debilitating this relationship has been to you. This is not an option! Leave this relationship behind so you can reach your full potential again and you WILL because you ARE really an amazing person that proved how strong you were, how loving you were, and now how strong you are to be here today and able to move forward. No/minimal contact and NEVER look back once you actualize the truth! Greg

No matter what we do, how hard we try, or how much we care/love them, we ALL have an expiration date. Ending a relationship with a Narcissist is not like walking away from a normal relationship with a broken heart – you are walking away with a broken SELF.

No matter what we do, how hard we try, or how much we care/love them, we ALL have an expiration date. Ending a relationship with a Narcissist is not like walking away from a normal relationship with a broken heart – you are walking away with a broken SELF. The vicious cycle of this abuse is really a manipulative trap that keeps you running in circles until it completely disables your reality, erases your personality, and then it ends and your abuser destroys YOUR integrity so they can move on to start this cycle up AGAIN with some new and unsuspecting person.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

We constantly struggled with the vision of that special love in the back of our mind (the one that we were CONNED into believing) to make the relationship work and making and keeping our Narcissist happy by working harder at the relationship. We were even asked or more like demanded by threats to do things differently or do what this Narcissist wants but it only led to more demands and made us sink deeper and deeper into this distorted and desperate love. From time to time we were even offered that little ‘glimmer of hope’ and an “I love you so much,” to achieve a cohesive peace but again it was not real at all and the Narcissist cashed in on their agenda once again by keeping us chained to their agenda with a little fake charm or leading us on!

But despite our intuition or the deep rooted sense that something was totally wrong with this relationship it felt familiar or similar to love because it started out that way and that is what we held onto to alleviate the struggles and pain. We began to feel increasingly unhappy because we were never getting our needs met as well as totally confused, lost, and always hurting. The struggle to get this person to love and accept you/us was not working so you/we employed all kinds of tactics to try harder but to no avail. It is the vicious cycle of this abuse or the trap that keeps you running in circles until it ends and that end is always devastating and destructive because of the psychological damage that the Narcissist inflicted that kept this toxic relationship in motion like a toy ‘Yo Yo’ on a string being forced up and down and guess who has their finger in the loop of that string – The Narcissist!

While you keep trying to hang on to this relationship you are only burying yourself deeper and deeper in the darkness and the void that defines a Narcissist and their personality disorder AND your personal abuse. It is this daily struggle that is so unfulfilling and so damaging, as well as makes you feel so unhappy and worthless. Beyond that there is going to be a huge eye opener from the full devaluation AND discard this creature is going to throw at you when your time is up with them to PROTECT themselves. It is virtually impossible to love a Narcissist normally because you are only plugging yourself into their manipulative game of abuse as their PRESENT source of supply. They are literally using up every bit of your life and reaping all the benefits. You can’t love a Narcissist because they are FAKE and all you are seeing is a projected image to fool or con you into their game or ABUSE.

A Narcissist AVOIDS seeing their real self and that is why they create all of these images/facades because they are completely empty and this is what they do to avoid seeing their real reflection in a mirror as well as make themselves look functional enough to create their fake bonds to con what they need out of people (supply). They avoid their real self so totally that they will defend their false image and destroy you for making them accountable for what they really are. There is such a mystery to them and that in itself becomes an addiction because we thought we saw a flicker of real love and a real person so we keep digging to find that again, but no there was none AND there is nothing there for us and yet we keep searching for it!

That idea that if we just try hard enough, we will find a way to create that loving connection or revive it becomes a goal BUT it is really a dangerous trap. Unfortunately, it kept us tied up in a relationship that really only revolved around basic functionality, but it always seemed to hold the unspoken promise of one day becoming a connection of unconditional love to us. The message that was always there was that we had to keep changing to meet the Narcissist’s needs and unfortunately we listened to this and made it our goal to FIX this. That is what we get so caught up in and end up losing ourselves completely without there ever being ANY resolution. Trying harder is NOT going to unlock the magic door to their unavailable and dead heart because you are dealing with a void and not a person. The unfortunate consequence to this is that you will have to grieve this empty love just as if it were real. Unfortunately, there is the psychological damage that destroyed your integrity, and learning to trust people again that is also attached and it requires many, many steps to actualize the entirety of this. So it is not like walking away from a normal relationship with a broken heart – you are walking away with a broken SELF and a broken LIFE.

So, despite everything you truly and deeply loved this person, or a Narcissist! Somewhere deep down inside of you there are feelings that have been buried and have only shown up as feelings of frustration because of how hard you tried. Let these feelings surface. Society has sort of taught us through imposed beliefs how we are supposed to feel as well as what we are not supposed to feel, but this abuse is very different and deserves respect and patience! We are told we MUST NOT be victims. Unfortunately, we are, but we never wanted this or to become a victim of this abuse. It is a reality that must be processed correctly to heal and that is understanding it all. I hate the word victim but I understand my reality and I am not going to write it off in favor of being stigmatized by a word. I lived through something called abuse from a personality disordered creature that tried to destroy me and then blamed me as if I were the abuser and then isolated me with backstabbing and a smear campaign that was an attempt to completely destroy my life and to silence me so this Narcissist could avoid exposure.

I was not going to acknowledge a frame of reference that disallowed my recovery because of a label someone created that now tells me I am even MORE wrong and must not speak out. Victims become survivors by actualizing the truth and THEN we dump that label! We all know how damaging it can be if we stay in this victim role, but that is your first cry for help AND reaching out as someone that needs support, education, love and a hand to pull you back up. IT IS ACTUALIZING THE TRUTH FIRST! I have heard from too many people that buried so much and it resurfaces and locks them up in many years of mistrust and isolation because they were told to move on. Educate yourself, get healthy again, and then work on ‘you!’ YES, you must move on and away from everything Narcissist once you get it and stop talking abuse or Narcissist and concentrate on YOU and your recovery. It is a personal process and different for everyone! Abuse is traumatizing and to recover from that trauma you must actualize the truth of what happened.

So, ask yourself this now. Have you allowed yourself to feel any disdain or anger towards them? Due to those beliefs, we are always supposed to take the higher road. BUT you are dealing with a Narcissist or a very disordered person that intentionally inflicted so much destruction on you through horrendous lies, betrayal, manipulation and they abused you terribly. Get angry and get mad because it can be liberating because you are acknowledging the truth and purge it out of yourself completely – THEN put that anger away to move forward. It is a stage of recovery to move you forward by purging it out of you completely. This can be very liberating when you embrace the truth and a great relief to realize that there is nothing wrong with you or your mental abilities. You didn’t know that this was a predator and a horrible person to have in your life. You didn’t have all of the tools to understand the relative danger of your reality with this Narcissist so don’t deceive yourself into thinking that there was a solution right there in front of you.

You get it today and you are away from them so it happened and you are free from this creature and the abuse. Count those blessings first to give yourself some levity to keep moving forward – that is self-compassion and self-respect that you DESERVE! Get healthy and use that as an opportunity to understand that there is evil out there and close every door that would enable this to happen to you again! Dig down deeply and acknowledge ALL of the distorted messages as well as the psychological abuse and desensitize it properly or it will only surface later. AGAIN, there is no magical cure or guru that can take you to recovery except for yourself. Your beliefs about life have been distorted and even shattered to your core and has created a negative and fearful view of the world and you must purge that out of you or be disabled for life. The process is long and you CAN’T skip any part of it. You must separate completely from diagnosing the Narcissist or reliving the past trying to understand it any more than what you do today. It was abuse imposed on you by a Malignant Narcissist. Educate yourself about this creature until you get it, then work on healing YOU!

Your heart is unconditional and you are full of goodness and empathy, but protect that now that you have started to close that door to this Narcissist because they will always welcome you back for more abuse! If you have ever tried to really help a Narcissist as most of us have you know that if you get too close to the truth of what they are it will blow up in your face and cause you horrendous damage. The Narcissist doesn’t want to be fixed or have their issues pointed out to them or solved. They want to escape with absolutely NO accountability of the truth as it concerns them and they will ALWAYS blame others for their problems and the way they ABUSE people. No matter what you say or do, the Narcissist will shift all of the blame right back onto you!

Attempting to reason or demanding accountability only starts up their immense denial mechanism and they will find every reason to divert from divulging the truth and they will even bump it up to destroy your integrity for attempting to divulge the truth that they are abusers. It is a tactic on their part that they have used all of their life. Blaming others keeps the Narcissist at arm’s length from their true darkness as well as their many issues AND safe from exposure. They have spent their entire life living under this shield of protection and you or nobody else can make them see the truth. They will strike out at you in such a manner that will hurt you more than you already are.

However, you can work with that truth in a manner to acknowledge that this was situational abuse and YOU are not to blame, a fool, mentally unstable, or any of the negative messages this Narcissist used to manage you down to feel worthless – that was all projection from this personality disordered Narcissist. To this day my Narcissist is still out there blaming every ‘ex’ or better yet all of the victims because karma is too close for comfort. This Narcissist is imploding and it is very evident in every imaginable way – BUT at this point for me it is just information because I have taught myself to separate from all of this so I could see this Narcissist as the abuser they are and allow that to completely define them. With that in mind it freed up my thoughts and that set me free from the abuse and blaming myself as the source of all of the problems or the negative messages this Narcissist planted in my head.

Reasoning with a Narcissist and their chaos, crazy making, and denial is truly a lesson in futility. They are liars through and through and have perfected the game of diverting from reality. Any person that can act out in the manner that a Narcissist does or intentionally extort/harm people like these creatures do can’t have access to rational reasoning, empathy, love, or reality. If they are breathing they are lying AND abusing. Lying even in a dysfunctional personality disorder like Narcissism has a cognitive basis (ability to reason) to it so they DO know what they are doing and it is just part of their agenda. Remember that they trap their prey and that requires a plan to make their agenda work with these lies – that is THINKING and KNOWING. They ALSO lie after they discard you to avoid being exposed – again they are thinking about what they NEED to do to survive. This was situational abuse that had an agenda from the very first day we met them!

This is why they are out there with another target/victim after each and every failed relationship. They are masterful at deception to get what they want. My Narcissist would have the world believing that I am mentally ill and scorned and THAT is what motivates me to write as I do so other victims can get through this fog an at the real truth that they were abused. NOW – with the clarity and resonance of my words as well as the amazing similarity to ALL of the circumstances of this disorder, and mounds of written proof, and the collaborated stories from family, friends and co-workers it reasonably describes my ‘ex’ as a textbook Narcissist. Let them (the Narcissist) think what they think because you won’t change that because they are protecting themselves from exposure AND seriously they just don’t care. Nobody is exempt from their destructive smear campaign when they are on the run. In the end, you realize that only fools believe this Narcissist and the smear campaign and in reality the Narcissist’s world is very small. ALL that is important is your freedom from this sadistic and smothering abuse by completely separating yourself from this person. That Narcissist isn’t going to change or apologize for the destruction they imposed on you or your life. Please no/minimal contact! Greg

Narcissists will use your trust and familiarity with them to backstab you and as part of their final smear campaign. They take this familiar information to seem to be ‘in the know’ about personal situations and then they manipulate and embellish that little bit of truth with hideous lies and exaggerations. The listener hears the familiarity of a situation and that makes the Narcissist’s story sound believable. The goal is triangulation, divide and conquer and to destroy your good integrity.

Narcissists will use your trust and familiarity with them to backstab you and as part of their final smear campaign. They take this familiar information to seem to be ‘in the know’ about personal situations and then they manipulate and embellish that little bit of truth with hideous lies and exaggerations. The listener hears the familiarity of a situation and that makes the Narcissist’s story sound believable. The goal is triangulation, divide and conquer and to destroy your good integrity.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist’s self-regulating and controlling mechanics always involves pulling people into their lair and extracting information from them AND in turn using this information for whatever GAIN they desire or to use against them!

So what is the Narcissist’s thought process behind their backstabbing and smear campaigns? They exploit the ‘listeners’ emotions and sentiments. THEN, with that information, they make up a story plausible enough that listeners cannot verify the exact allegations, BUT the accusations they make are powerful and damaging, and they are meant to harm! It is a strong arm defense to silence and control you!

Narcissists are very easily wounded, so a smear campaign is an attempt to malign someone’s character, credibility and reputation based on lies, half-truths and malicious rumors. Narcissists distort situations with twisted conclusions, perceiving themselves as victims, seduce listeners with faked intimacy by sharing secrets. AND, they are highly persuasive. So persuasive in fact that they convince both themselves and others that their “smear” rumoring is true.

In turn people ignore their very own conscience and intuition if the rumor is sufficiently shocking. The smear campaign is such an offensive tactic that the Narcissist uses to malign, discredit, and reduce targets/victims to inferior damaged beings and stripping them of power by destroying their character. This tactic also divides and conquers by pitting people against a supposed ‘foe’ that the Narcissist singles out. Targets are stuck between a rock and a hard place, right where the Narcissist wants them to be, damned if they defend themselves and damned if they don’t.

This process is never accomplished by a single person, though. The smear campaign requires a mob of minions to carry the distorted and destructive messages to finish the job that the Narcissist started. The Narcissist who selected the target for destruction, can just sit back and enjoy the show while the minions commit an atrocity that basically destroys the target/victim’s integrity. It is an insane attack that completely dehumanizes a good person for no earthly reason other than the Narcissist carrying out their abusive agenda so they can move on unscathed.

So the point here is that a Narcissist DOES have a strong network of minions and flying monkeys to protect them or better yet hide behind. When you have been smeared by a Narcissist, it is never a simple matter of embarrassment, it is a complete and destructive campaign waged against you to completely destroy your integrity. Unfortunately, once engaged in this smear campaign the target/victim is damned if they do or damned if they don’t. Try to respond to the allegations against you and you only seem defensive and guilty. Ignore the accusations and you are left in the position of BEING guilty.

So back to basics! What is the one thing a Narcissist does not want other people to know? The truth. More specifically, Narcissists do not want the truth about them to be known that they are insecure, malicious, and devious people with a toxic agenda. Beyond being embarrassed by the truth of their behaviors and thoughts, they have a deathly fear of being exposed and REJECTED for who and what they are. This is in large part because they always use lies, manipulations, and distortions to control other people and get what they want. If people were to know about their true nature, they would want nothing to do with the Narcissist – the Narcissist is very aware of this and that is why they HAVE to build up their defenses. Let’s just say they are always prepared for the inevitable. Similarly their whole grand façade is just part of their defensive pretense. SO, remember this they CHARM people for many different roles in their world – and they also HARM the very same people as they cycle people in and out of their life to do their bidding. No/minimal contact to end this chaos and reclaim peace in your world. Greg

Lets unpack this with clarity to understand the effects of emotional abuse as far as the vast confusion that debases our core values and throws us off balance – or the cognitive dissonance we experience. You were constantly in this circle of chaos and always wondering – did I, could I, should I, if I and it is ALL YOUR fault, YOU have issues, YOU are the source of every problem – it is always YOU that is to BLAME. A relationship and love does not involve bargaining parts of your life away to meet anybody’s needs!

Lets unpack this with clarity to understand the effects of emotional abuse as far as the vast confusion that debases our core values and throws us off balance – or the cognitive dissonance we experience. You were constantly in this circle of chaos and always wondering – did I, could I, should I, if I and it is ALL YOUR fault, YOU have issues, YOU are the source of every problem – it is always YOU that is to BLAME. A relationship and love does not involve bargaining parts of your life away to meet anybody’s needs!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

More than often target/victims turn the blame back onto themselves as they were conditioned to do all throughout the relationship and accept things that they normally wouldn’t. After all it was OUR fault as we were made to believe or better yet conditioned or manipulated into believing! We all got to this place of despair because we accepted the Narcissist’s projection of blame and began questioning ourselves AND it was our emotional bond that led us there because we BELIEVED in this person. What did WE do wrong, to drive them away? What was it about us that was so wrong or lacking that made the Narcissist become so negative or unhappy in the relationship? Were we not good enough, smart enough, virtuous enough like the Narcissist claimed, hardworking enough, beautiful or handsome enough, sexy, worthy, submissive enough, didn’t we give enough, love them enough, did we REALLY have issues like this Narcissist said.

You were constantly in this circle of chaos and always wondering – did I, could I, should I, if I? BUT, it was always the same coefficient with a Narcissist constantly manipulating you and managing you down to believe that you were not worthy or even normal. it always became YOUR issues and never being able to hold this creature accountable for what was only psychological and emotional abuse. We never knew that we were just ANOTHER object for this Narcissist to use and discard. We only believed the lies and fell into this abuse so we lived with the distorted thoughts until we purge them out of us OR until we actualize the truth and get help to move away from all of the negative messages that modified our behaviors in such a destructive manner. THERE IS NEVER any closure with this Narcissist because it was all an agenda that ends with destruction and they are not going to take responsibility for their abuse and be exposed for who and what they are.

Cognitive dissonance is a clinical definition that explains this disabling ‘duality thought process’ of being a target/victim of a personality disordered Narcissist’s manipulation that doesn’t occur in healthy relationships. When there are two healthy individuals in a relationship there are good and bad parts as it concerns two separate personalities meeting, getting to know each other, and merging. But by far one or the other person doesn’t have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality or a mask of sanity that hides a malicious, abusive and destructive person. In a healthy relationship, there is a certain level of transparency, so basically, what you see is what you get and it is pretty consistent, flaws and all. ALSO, healthy relationships aren’t based on emotional/psychological abuse, control, domination and an insurmountable mountain of deliberate lies and manipulation. Furthermore, healthy relationships don’t end abruptly, as if they never even happened because normal people can’t detach so quickly from deeper relationships and JUMP right into another one UNLESS it was completely built on deception and basically one partner is a Narcissist AND extortionist of life! Cognitive dissonance happens in those cases where there is a horrendous contradiction between a reality (that fake love created by the Narcissist you believed in) and an increasingly implausible fantasy (the truth that they ARE personality disordered and abusive) which when fully revealed, would be too painful to accept, so much so that you would rather cling to parts of the fantasy than confront that sad reality and move.

When a target/victim experiences cognitive dissonance, our rational ability to actualize ‘this reality’ or basically accept the knowledge about the psychopathy as far as it concerns the Narcissist’s abuse doesn’t fully sink in at the powerful EMOTIONAL LEVEL. Plus, we never had ‘real time’ experience or knowledge about this personality disorder to help us understand what was happening to us to run away with our life! Consequently, we continually move back and forth between that old idealized fantasy (fake love) that was pounded into our mind and heart and the pathetic reality of the NEW truth about this disordered individual that terrorized our world and try to rationalize it. This is such a confusing process as well as an emotionally draining one too. Just remember that initially, when you were in the idealization phase and LOVED so ideally the fantasy was that this Narcissist could love you and that he/she seriously committed to loving you. Then, once you were devalued and/or discarded, the fantasy still remains because the Narcissist conditioned you to keep believing that he/she is capable of LOVE and loving others, BUT just not YOU so you look inward to see what is wrong with YOU. You feel that you weren’t right for him/her, but NOW someone else can be SO RIGHT for them and it only reinforces the distorted messages. Narcissists don’t know love or feel love with ANYBODY they are only looking for supply. There will be MANY more and newer ‘others’ in this Narcissist’s future but ALL of them are just new objects to use and throw away! Everyone has an expiration date!

This is the fantasy (manipulation) that the Narcissist tries to convince every target/victim of once they enter the devaluation phase and that it is the problem is never with the them (the Narcissist.) Narcissists do truly believe this because they never see anything wrong with themselves or their behavior, so if they are no longer vested in or excited by a person, the Narcissist concludes it must be your fault because YOU were deficient or defiant and didn’t serve them in every way they deserved to be treated – omnipotence. That is where the incredulous stories and lies come from as it concerns the Narcissist pinning this all on you (smear campaign!) Then WHO has ever tested the Narcissist by trying to completely expose them, and were they successful. What law protects a target/victim and makes the Narcissist’s accountable with criminal charges! The Narcissist is a clever thief and usually has minions that claim his/her innocence and turns it back onto us! Karma and time will get them for sure because their lies do catch up with them!

So, what is related to this cognitive dissonance and is powerful? The Narcissist still has a form of power and hold over you and the Narcissist’s distorted standards still have a place in your head AND heart that tugs at you and into the WRONG direction. Call it ambient abuse! Even though you may reject the Narcissist on some level, on another level the Narcissist’s opinion still somehow matters to you (those old messages still playing in your head!) Narcissists are frauds, their actions, words and opinions are distorted and delusional with a personal and self-serving agenda attached to them! The Narcissist’s connections to others, especially the ones the Narcissist CLAIMS to be “the love of their life,” are only empty, controlling, abusive, and fake bonds too. But if you stay emotionally attached or you still care about what the Narcissists thinks or feels, then you are giving a highly disordered person too much power over you or completely handing all of your power to them.

Completely cut those imaginary ties and cut the cord that still connects you to a pathological Narcissist, as well as his/her disordered supporters and their abnormal and distorted frame of reference AND games. Nothing good will ever come out of allowing a Narcissist and his/her pathological defenders or minions having a place in your life, heart, or mind. The connection between the Narcissist’s and their followers/supply is a disordered perspective that messes with your healthy life AND creates the intense inner tension or cognitive dissonance. To eliminate this means to also free yourself body, soul, heart and mind from this Narcissist, their followers and their opinions, standards AND games. What they do, say, think or believe and the silly mind games they choose to play simply does not matter OR belong in your world. What they post on social sites is just another mask they use that hides the truth and them begging for attention!

Totally disengage from anything and everything that concerns the Narcissist. I did a long time ago and I am very clear about my situation and the real truth. I do not connect to THIS NARCISSIST at any level, I pull myself away from ANY and EVERY situation or connection that might exist. Everything this Narcissists does or projects is just more and more layers of ridiculous lies to protect themselves from exposure and the real truth of what they are. I absorbed all of that information a long time ago and saturated my mind with the truth that this person is dead inside and personality disordered! These are words I never believed I would use in my lifetime to describe anybody BUT that is only the truth as it concerns this person so I can say them now! I can also say I am repulsed by this person and their lifestyle. It is all so clear now and that is what moved me forward to live and love again! This was the FIRST step to my recovery but a very important one for clarity!

What does any connection with a Narcissist yield? Just blame, shame, sadness, frustration, a sense of defeat, doubt, constant and conflicting thoughts, many lies, mistrust, feelings of worthlessness, distorted emotions, betrayal, destruction, and ABUSE. PLEASE internalize that despite how intense the emotional upheaval might be, it is so worth getting your freedom back to live life as you should – otherwise what other option really exists? Remember this if you remember anything, you are not weak, stupid, you are vulnerable and struggling to find answers so it is particularly distressing when your normal reality has been intentionally corrupted by what you believed was just a caring and loving human being that turned into this MONSTER! Please remember that your emotions bond you to this creature and that is what you have to actualize and RELEASE FROM by accepting the truth about them as far as the fake love they offered that you believed in – it wasn’t real it was a trap. This is where you must start by rationalizing the truth and rejecting everything about this Narcissist. A relationship and love does not involve bargaining parts of your life away to meet anybody’s needs! No/minimal contact PLEASE! Greg

It is so very important to understand the truth about these emotional, manipulative, and destructive abusers so we can break ANY bond we have with them! We MUST realize how dangerous it is to be caught up in their toxic world.

It is so very important to understand the truth about these emotional, manipulative, and destructive abusers so we can break ANY bond we have with them! We MUST realize how dangerous it is to be caught up in their toxic world.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Their sole pursuit is their omnipotence or to be seen as God’s gift to the world through pathological deception and destructive acts of emotional and psychological terrorism to all people! In reality, they are only hiding a very damaged and dark world. There is no cure for them, and this is evidenced by the many people that have offered unconditional love to them only to be rejected and destroyed through their efforts. Love can and will heal all and if it doesn’t then it is beyond human capacity to change a person that is this devoid of the natural goodness of life and they are only soulless creatures. Ask yourself why they imitate love, or why they wear it as part of their disguise if not to achieve their destructive agenda. They know it well enough to use it but obviously they can’t be it.

They create scenarios to discover your weakness or fears and store them away to manipulate you later. They don’t use language as communication, it is for hiding, deflecting, avoiding, masking, & manipulating because their charm is completely false. They take pride in their own righteousness and rightness. They attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They NEVER believe they make mistakes even when they proof is right there in front of them. They have an innate inability to feel, process or truly understand shame from the negative and hurtful things they do to others – they can only blame and apply fault to everybody else. Contradict them a few times and you will feel their out of control narcissistic rage.

Their conversations and interactions aren’t meant to enlighten, but to confuse, control, and consistently create drama. They are a huge VOID, working to get whatever they can from you – basically they extort life and lives. They expect you to lend a listening ear and give them constant and complete approval. They use emotional withdraw and silencing to create guilt, compliance and control. They will betray personal information and secrets to feel more powerful. They will manipulate and use flattery or protests of their innocence (crying, pleading, and begging) like a stealth weapon to achieve their agenda and get their way. They will use verbal skills to block or deflect accountability for their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle and sift blame onto YOU. They impact lives negatively but miraculously escape exposure even appearing to have some positive effect and you end up the negative aspect of the relationship with them.

I want to educate, describe and give some insight about some of the typical ways a Narcissist maintains their ‘center of the universe’ agenda or omnipotence. How they operate as well as some of their manipulative reactions to warp our reality through blaming, shaming, drama, invalidating, making fun of your insecurities, and sharing secrets with others to triangulate and make you out to be the biggest piece of ‘poo’ in the world to build themselves up. This is all categorized as their manipulative CRAZY MAKING!

They will fake or imitate sincerity, caring, and honor under the guise of good intentions with an agenda to GET SOMETHING from you or anybody.

They blame and blame some more and then blame again, NEVER taking personal responsibility for anything they do wrong which is most everything!

They are HIGH maintenance creatures because they need your constant attention, praise, and deference to all of their whims, fancies and needs without a single consideration to any of your needs. Deprive them of something they want and look out as they reveal their true destructive nature through raging!

They COMPLETELY lack all empathy, so they just don’t care who they harm, use, or abuse! It doesn’t matter if it is you, me, their mother/father, brother/sister, biological children, friends, senior citizens, husband/wife, the pastor/priest, law enforcement officials, and judges – get the point they will psychologically ABUSE everybody!

They may put on a great show, even smile when they meet you and even ask “How are you?”, but seriously they are not interested about you as a living and breathing person, yet alone an individual that shares this planet with them – you are only supply! Think of them as a trained parrot saying “Pauley wants a cracker” but with them it is more aptly described as “Narcissist wants some supply.” There is no meaning behind the words with Pauley or the Narcissist, it is just a learned behavior to get something they want.

If you ever dare point out one of their many flaws or an error they made, they will strike out at you in a poisonous and defensive mode like a snake. They will counter any notion with anger, venting, rage, silencing, ignoring you with a cold shoulder, or abandon you as DUE punishment.

They will create some amazing and exciting plans, but rarely will make them happen. They want you to anticipate their generosity but they will never offer anything more than the empty words. It is all ‘make believe’ or better yet “manipulating you to believe.” Basically it is a ploy to make you believe they are giving and caring. Ask them about the non-existent plans and they will turn it around on you saying you just never seemed interested, or they never said this or that, etc.

They will shift blame onto you to purposely make you feel defensive, then they will belittle and devalue you for being defensive, saying you are ‘an angry person’ or over-react taking everything so personally. Since they do this so seamlessly they always keep you in a place of insecurity and confused. They totally invalidate your ability to have any opinion as far as it concerns their words AND actions! You are always frozen in place to deflect the truth of what they are AND they will keep you there forever trying to only please them until you stop believing.

They will help you out in some manner but make you feel indebted for the little thing they have done AND they will keep reminding you of it! It invalidates the bigger picture of all that you have done for them.

They are psychotic blowhards, braggers, brow-beaters, psycho-bullies, arrogant, big-headed, and one enormous lie.
Whatever they may do to help you out, they will make you feel beholden to them FOREVER. But they are never appreciative or even acknowledge any help you give.

They are extremely skilled at making and warping your reality with their words, actions and manipulations basically conditioning you to crave their constant approval.

They build you up then knock you down. They will make you feel loved and very special, then they emotionally distance themselves from you to keep you unsure of the relationship and your reality.

They are a mishmash of behaviors and actions that they have harvested from different people they have met at different times in their life. All of their ideas or ways of behaving in any given situation are stolen from others, people they know or perhaps think of as an authority. They morph into these qualities like an actor memorizing their role in a play or a movie.

They push your buttons like an elevator, with constant ‘ups and downs’ to keep you off-balance blameworthy OR the very opposite of this with positive compliments to lock you back up into the cycle of abuse.

They groom you with subtle to extreme manipulation with a combination of charm and rage (harm) to keep you controlled.
Their sense of omnipotence and self-importance (extreme neediness) means that they will manage down the conversations of others and back onto themselves.

They are PATHOLOGICAL liars, using all forms of lies to deceive. To quote a friend of mine, “If they are breathing, they are lying!”
They treat people as servants and expect them to do mundane things or always pay their way, since they feel so deserving and too important to do them. They manage people down to be more of a servant to them without a voice.

They constantly use “I”, “me,” and “my” when they talk because they are the most important thing in the world – it is ALWAYS about them.

You will very rarely if ever hear them talk about their innermost thoughts, life, memories, or dreams, because there are none that are real and personal to them – they will LIE and make up situations to create a false image of their extreme goodness and amazing life. They will pose in a picture with their biological children as if they are such a real participant in their world when they just happened to be in a situation where their spouse did ALL of the work and the Narcissist poses for the photo opportunity only but did NOTHING real to support the spouse’s efforts in raising them.

They remain at a childlike level of maturity where there is never any growth – there is no operable maturity in their thinking.

It is always “me, myself, and I” and never ever “we” unless they need something, so they manipulate you once more to believe in the “we.”

They express fake empathy and use it as a tool that they con unsuspecting targets into their lair of darkness.

They only “give to get” by being nice or helpful expecting reciprocation. Always an agenda to get or take something as supply.

They present themselves as “having it all together or being on top of the world” never showing or divulging their many failures, weaknesses AND darkness!

They shift to a defensive mode and/or rage very frequently when they feel threatened or are made accountable for their deceptive manner. This is a HUGE control mechanism to keep you in a subservient place or role in their lives!

They apologize, but it is ALWAYS shallow and never means there will be a real change in the bad behavior they were called on, it just means they are reeling you back to abuse you more for supply!

They deflect or run from their own problems rather than addressing them responsibly AND just blame someone else in the world.

They will demand your trust rather than earning it – and they will never be transparent enough for you to see any of their real qualities only the fake ones they create to shore up their ‘good’ image. They KNOW that they aren’t real enough to trust, so they always deflect to hide what they really are.

They see you as an extension of themselves, an object to use, you are never an individual and they will resist your every attempt at freedom from being a source of supply.

They re-write history, create incredulous and false stories, euphemisms, make up their own rules and laws but obey none. Their truth is completely FALSE!

They always talk about themselves to stay in control – our role is that of an entity like a mirror where they can stroke their ego through the false image they reflect onto us!

They find all of your weaknesses and exploit them to make you feel vulnerable.

They honor NO personal boundaries and rarely listen or respect your “No.”

They will easily take advantage of others to reach their own goals without giving their actions a second thought. There is absolutely NO empathy in their world.

They will take or steal whatever they want from you or anybody. What is yours is theirs (without asking!)

Their façade is to always appear to be tough-minded, unyielding and unemotional to remain in control of others. But they will react to criticism with anger, blame-shifting, shaming or humiliating others to maintain their façade.

They fail to recognize people as individuals and consequently demean, devalue and dehumanize everybody that enters their lair of deceit.

They are very aggressive, hostile, verbally vicious, MEAN, and will punish anybody that wounds their delicate ego. They will divert to their defensive mode and will rip you apart with their rage and disgusting mouth. They think nothing of physically making fun of somebody to empower themselves and this makes them feel like they are in control.

They will vocalize regret for their actions, but it is for ‘show’ and only for a short period of time. They will soon rationalize it away with blame, shame, projection and basically dumping it all down our throat as being the problem and not them.

They are ALWAYS the sexiest, best looking and they will tell you how this person and that one checked them out and ‘wanted’ them. Their appearance is important, so primping in every mirror, and fastidiousness is common ground for them.

They talk in such inappropriate ways and believe that they are above reproach and we actually want to hear their perverse words or listen to their descriptive dialogue about their out-of-control lifestyle.

They will rationalize everything to make sure they always come out on top by negating praise that is appropriated to someone else.

They will steal your idea, your quote, your plan, your wisdom and EVEN your life and make it their own. They will fake their credentials, re-write history, name drop, lie on their resume or about their credentials – anything to get what they want without earning it the correct way.

They can create destructive chaos in any organization or business environment and cause dissention among the people that work there. This includes volunteer situations, church organization or virtually any group setting that they join.

This is a PARTIAL list of how they successfully make their ‘crazy making’ an operative agenda in every situation. Their abuse is never confined to just relationships they abuse every person and or situation that they are a participant. Their abuse is all too familiar to their families, biological children, friendships, co-workers, and organizations they are involved in. Unfortunately the closer you are to them the more apparent their abuse becomes. They charm their way into everybody’s lives and ALWAYS harm them. I coined the phrase from “charm to harm.” Allowing a Narcissist into your life is a train wreck waiting to happen. You must avoid them like the plague because their crazy making is really psychological abuse that severely damages people, their careers, and their whole life. No/minimal contact is the only anecdote to their destruction and poison! You CAN’T allow them into any aspect of your life! Lock them out of your heart and mind! Greg

The highs and lows of an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship. It is like a roller coaster ride with so many highs and lows as well as the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach!

The highs and lows of an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship. It is like a roller coaster ride with so many highs and lows as well as the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

It is all a BIG diversion to keep you confused and to control you – this is what emotional and psychological abuse is. It is easy to get a sort of addicted feeling (or obsession pattern) especially after the devastating and heart-breaking lows or when the Narcissist has abandoned you both emotionally and physically or they have been misbehaving (cheating or any number of things.) Consequently, when the Narcissist returns to you, the high feels so euphoric and BAM the pain is gone. Everything is back to NORMAL again because the Narcissist is behaving so well, he/she reinstates how much he/she loves you and can’t live without you and wants to be with you forever! It seems like an opportunity once again to fix this and get back to that feeling you once shared in the beginning or from the love bombing. Normal?? Yes, that is the normal that you have been managed down to accept by allowing this cycle to continue – MORE ABUE! Sometimes during the devaluation stage, the Narcissist just returns to hurt you even more and somehow that still satisfies us as a fix. It deteriorates to such a level that any contact becomes a small glimmer of hope when there is none! My Narcissist kept this up for almost a year after the relationship ended. Text messages and emails were ALL attacks or look at me in this new and wonderful relationship I have, or “I told you I would leave if you didn’t change.” What exactly should have changed in me? More willingness to accept the lies, betrayal, manipulation and psychological abuse.

I did change though by changing ME and going no contact because I finally realized I was dealing with a high level of dysfunction that was imposed on me by a disordered creature that meant to harm and destroy me. I left it at that because I didn’t need any more proof to realize what this person was because I lived it daily for far too long, so I turned inward to fix what needed fixed in me. I never returned OR put myself in a position to analyze or reanalyze this person or allow any more distorted messages/lies to be sent from this Narcissist. What basis of reality would exist by staying in contact with this monster? Only more of those distorted messages and lies that were meant to manipulate me and got me to such a terrible place. So, I left all of that behind me to move forward. You can’t create reality where there is none and I swallowed that huge pill and moved forward for me.

I could share page after page of the ridiculous stories my Narcissist told me or situations that were all lies to cover up the truth. They were horrendous lies that I could clearly see through but somehow, I justified each and every one of them. My Narcissist was out having sex with someone and using stories that one of their children was sick EVEN stating that one had a terminal illness, or the Narcissist was stuck somewhere because of bad weather, (again all lies.) But I could also tell you just how this Narcissist begged me to come back each and every time this happened as well as the devaluation this Narcissist HAD to inflict on me FIRST. This was all part of the process to manage me down to inflict a little more psychological damage. It ALWAYS comes back to HOW THEY LOVE US when they really don’t, but those words “I LOVE YOU” somehow resonate a reconnection with them OR TRYING ONE MORE TIME. So, there is a rhyme to their reason. The truth here is that they are pathological liars, they betray the very people that love them, they do not consider or even care how they hurt and disable the people closest to them, they turn it around and BLAME us, they will rage at us when they are caught in their lies and punish us even more and THAT is subjugation! BUT they finally apologize and beg for us to come back after they have inflicted these layers to damage us more and CONTROL us more – we are only supply to them. DEFINITION: Sub•ju•gate – to bring under control, with the intent to conquer. To make or force subordination or enslave. The state of being under the control of another person.

The human brain works in a manner that chemicals or endorphins are released in response to something that makes us feel wonderful and that gives us that euphoric feeling. BUT the opposite is true, when the stimulus that made us feel so wonderful is withdrawn from us the production of the endorphins shuts down causing anxiety and even depression. Just simple Psychology! It is very common that a narcissist can be so incredibly charming and perfect in the beginning of the relationship (love bombing) and you fall strongly in love. As a result of all of this AND the Narcissist’s manipulative agenda, you soon become strongly addicted to your partner and you still want this love available to you. It is an amazing love and MEANT to be that way to start the cycle of abuse! In normal relationships, it is reciprocated back and together you BOTH bond or fall in love. But with a Narcissist they dangle this love in front of you and then pull it away and make you basically beg to get it back – it is conditioning and they use this method to disable us! The Narcissist is grooming you in this back and forth manner to make you dependent on them. It is dehumanizing how they psychologically abuse a good and loving person to beg for their acceptance and love, especially when they initiated the whole process by tricking us into loving them to only bring us to our knees. There is nothing simple as it concerns being brainwashed or psychologically abused in this manner.

When that Narcissist returns to us after he/she has left us for the umpteenth time it is that ‘special feeling’ we want back, and we do feel special again. BUT the feeling is not the same as in the beginning because once again it has been corrupted by the dehumanizing behavior of the Narcissist and that grows and grows with each and every situation. In reality, all we are doing is hanging on to that distorted love they offer. We are only hoping and always trying to fix everything to reach the same euphoric state we always felt in the very beginning of the relationship.

It is similar to what an addict experiences when their access to their substance of choice is denied and those horrible withdrawal symptoms occur, the same thing happens in a relationship with a Narcissist (the endorphins in our mind shutting down). As soon as the love bombing or the idealization phase is over the Narcissist’s behavior changes drastically. They become cold, distant, uncaring, and even very cruel or the direct opposite. You in turn feel lost and disoriented because your Narcissist no longer loves you and they drive that point home by blaming and shaming you into believing YOU have caused this shift in the relationship. You have no idea WHAT you have done or why they have changed their behavior, and the result is that you are suddenly deprived of your “emotional drug” or them, and you experience strong withdrawal symptoms. Your mind is filled with mixed feelings of depression, anxiety and other forms of mental pain and anguish and you want it to end to get things right again!

Through all of this, and the many other times you have experienced this, you have only tried to maintain your relationship, fix it, try harder, achieve order or whatever but there is never any success in your endeavors. If your Narcissist is giving you the slightest little hint that they might still be in love with you (or connected), or even care for you, it is just getting a small dose of their love drug to keep you hanging on. It is no longer consistent and you are doing whatever you can to get to it (that small dose) after the horrible deprivation. You experience a short-lived fix and those negative and oppressive feelings disappear for a short period of time but they always return and are even stronger than the last time because of more and more managing down!

Personally, I dealt with this on a continual basis. I am not weak but I fell into the charm, love bombing, and brainwashing or subjected to the effects of this psychological abuse. That is what gets us to this chaotic state of returning over and over again to our abuser. We would never accept or react to this type of treatment if we were not vulnerable from this psychological abuse. It simply disables your reality slowly and surely or through conditioning! Yes, there was my part in all of this and I dealt with that but it is still the outcome of having this horrendous manipulation and betrayal forced into my reality but it DIDN’T or DOESN’T describe me as weak – this was abuse. Lab rats are trained to respond with deprivation and humans can be brainwashed. It is comparable to being a prisoner of war and you have no other resolve but to respond to your captors because this has become your reality. This is not a silly excuse it is the reality that this is psychological abuse and domestic violence.

This addiction or obsession is purely destructive to a target/victim’s psychological well-being and it takes time to desensitize all the messages that got the target/victim to this point. Even after the fact (the discard) the target/victim feels unsure about themselves in everyday life and even simple decision making becomes distorted from being managed down so much – just another sign of the reality of this abuse. Many experience Post Traumatic Stress disorder or basically trauma like they were in a war zone. Targets/victims don’t just jump into a new relationship with vigor or trust and leave all of the psychological damage behind. A Narcissist will be in a new relationship within minutes of their departure, yelling to the world that YOU abused them and they had to run and never looked back to save themselves. Just another one of their little surprises to make sure they drive the abuse even deeper and we are completely traumatized. Just a strong identifying aspect of what they do. It is traumatizing to say the least.

A target/victim never walks away from this abuse as a strong and healthy individual – sometimes both mentally and physically. This is serious business and unfortunately some targets/victims walk away without the necessary help to recover from this abuse. Please as you read this understand that it requires your commitment to go no-contact, a strong education about these critters, support from other victims/survivors and any professional help to get you through this. Don’t spend your time trying to understand your Narcissist because they are what they are – ABUSERS. You have already invested your emotions and time into this for too long with NO SUCCESS and nothing is EVER going to change. Your time and energy need to be directed to your recovery process. All of the psychological abuse has to be purged out of your system. This is WHY we feel so depressed, full of anxiety or completely void of that feeling of how our life was once happy or basically traumatized. We don’t want the Narcissist back, we will only end up responding to the many distorted and hypnotizing messages used to extort our life and love. Knowledge is power, the more you know about your “enemy” the better you can fight it. In this case the enemy is the mental abuse inflicted onto and into you or this addiction to return to your narcissistic partner to fix this or fix the narcissist. Understanding the reasons that are causing your negative emotions makes it easier for you to gain back control of your life. No/minimal contact! Greg

THOSE LIES! You will never be able to conjure up a conceivable motive for why they lie as they do. If they are breathing they are lying – and you can count on the fact that it is to always benefit THEM or to protect THEM from their previous lies and indiscretions, or to weasel their way out of a bad situation, OR into a situation that serves THEM!

THOSE LIES! You will never be able to conjure up a conceivable motive for why they lie as they do. If they are breathing they are lying – and you can count on the fact that it is to always benefit THEM or to protect THEM from their previous lies and indiscretions, or to weasel their way out of a bad situation, OR into a situation that serves THEM! Finding our way through the dense fog of this abuse with knowledge, education, and clarity. Narcissists will say ANYTHING so basically you can count on it all being LIES and there is ALWAYS an agenda behind those lies that benefits THEM! They lie in Technicolor with a wide spectrum from simple or nonsense lies to the outrageous, obnoxious and perverted or the wildest lies conceivable.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Narcissists lie gratuitously, about matters great and small (and everything else in between). Their lies are the substance that they invent their false mask or shield from that hides their dark and secret disorder. So the Narcissist creates a special person just for each of us, BUT really it is created to pull us into their world to fulfill their NEEDY agenda and control. They decide what rights you will have, what they want you see, and what they want you to hear, and especially what they want you to know. THEN they embellish it all with brightly colored wrapping paper and a big beautiful bow and a gift tag with our name on it and a “Love always – Your Narcissist – XOXOXO !” Unfortunately when you start unwrapping that present you find that it is just an empty box.

So within this grand illusion that they create and live in, they won’t hesitate to say that black is white or square is round and you are expected to believe them. They will lie to you about facts they know that you know. They lie to you about what you have said and done, even if you said or did it only a few seconds ago and know the truth. They lie to you about what they have said and done in your very presence. If they are breathing they are lying!

Being amoral or just numb to the existence of morality as far as their integrity goes is based solely on what the Narcissist wants. It is like a cantankerous, irrational three-year-old child throwing a tantrum. The Narcissist never gives up the argument. That Narcissist is standing there in front of you to win. If you engage the Narcissist, he/she will pull you down to their level. Keep engaging in an argument with a Narcissist and he/she brings it down to another level, and another level AND to a level lower than you care to stoop to, so you just stop then and there because it is just futile to go on anymore. The Narcissist has no self-respect, and behaving this way is not beneath them.

Now you are standing in front of them and they look like big boys and girls (adults) but they are dragging you back to your days at the playground and if you don’t play exactly the way they want you to play “make believe” they will throw you off of the merry-go-round.

So the Narcissist needs people to feed their Narcissistic Supply. But he/she refuses to create or associate with any person in an emotionally meaningful way. The Narcissist lacks the basic skills – EMPATHY – which is required to obtain his/her drug in reality. The very people who are supposed to sustain the Narcissists grandiose fantasies through their adoration and attention will always find the Narcissist repulsive and too dangerous to interact with after the truth becomes apparent that love and life with a Narcissist is one big lie. No/Minimal contact to stop the chaos and crazy making that their lies create within our time with them. Greg

That hyper focusing about what WE did wrong! There MUST be something wrong with us, or we did something wrong because they kept warning us that WE were the source of all the problems or perhaps had issues! So, they (the Narcissist) told us – but like everything else it was just more abuse, more emotional manipulation, and more lies to manage us down to worthlessness so that we would feel this way – or the damaged person.

That hyper focusing about what WE did wrong! There MUST be something wrong with us, or we did something wrong because they kept warning us that WE were the source of all the problems or perhaps had issues! So, they (the Narcissist) told us – but like everything else it was just more abuse, more emotional manipulation, and more lies to manage us down to worthlessness so that we would feel this way – or the damaged person. That Narcissist was NEVER there for us in the first place – they were there for anything and everything they could harvest from us AND everything else was about controlling us to achieve their agenda – then our time was up!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

One of the most important issues when trying to recover from Narcissistic abuse is the tendency to hyper focus or obsess about the many negative messages from the abuser in our life. We also tend to believe that while we are left holding all the dark and delusional energy from the relationship, our abuser escaped without any repercussions and with all the goods. We imagine the Narcissist to be off walking in the sunset with his/her new love while we are sitting at home suffering through depression, anger, horrific emotional pain, financial loss, trauma, and psychological issues that they imposed on us. Remember they are still a Narcissist and I would rather recover from their abuse than be one of THEM! They don’t internalize love or bond with ANY other human being except to objectify them until they become bored with them and move on to the next! That is akin to being like one of ‘The Walking Dead’ on the many televisions shows that depict ZOMBIE themes.

If we really take the time to think about it, it is highly unlikely that our abuser is really having the happy life that they SAY they do. The clinical aspect of this abuse AND why the Narcissist acts out in the manner he/she does stems from a deep sense of inadequacy and low self-worth. The Narcissist is forced to get his/her feelings of well-being from external things or people outside himself/herself. A Narcissist may experience the false illusion of ‘happiness’ with another person, but in reality it is only temporary because they HAVE to seek this attention and adulation out to survive – much like they once did with us – but AGAIN this is “temporary.” Consider it like when you purchase a new car and that feeling of excitement in the beginning that wears off in a short while.

If the Narcissist builds his/her self-image or good feelings about themselves solely based on what they can get from ‘others’ it is only a matter of time before the “love spell” is broken AGAIN just like it was with us. Remember there are no internal mechanisms, so everything is based on external reinforcement (supply) and the images or adulation from us that the Narcissist uses to define themselves. You need the mix of the healthy internal mechanisms of love, bonding, empathy, compassion, as well as the harmony/co-existence WITH the external world to live in reality and to grow with another person.

Sooner or later his/her new love will have issues or complaints about the relationship because a Narcissist can’t survive with JUST ONE SOURCE OF SUPPLY. Also, a Narcissist does not allow individuality and face it this always becomes an issue because we were born to co-exist and not serve another person’s needs or be a source of supply. Once the new love starts needing some sort of reciprocation in the relationship or for the Narcissist to validate their existence AND support their fake goals/plans, the relationship is in trouble and the devaluation will begin. A Narcissist can’t and won’t allow the slightest deviation from their projected image of perfection, so EVERYONE will be devalued and discarded just because we have our own mind and personality. There is never growth that allows another person individuality or to be a part of a real relationship. THIS is true in every relationship they have – they thrown us out when they have gotten what they want and then move onto ANOTHER source to satisfy a particular need.

So, with all of that in mind, there is never a ‘new healthy relationship’ with a Narcissist so don’t obsess about this and remember that things are not always as they appear especially with this Narcissist that has lied to you every moment that they were breathing. We are not the exception to the rule that drove this person (the Narcissist) to abuse us NOR did they suddenly change overnight and become healthy with a ‘new love’. Think about the unconditional love and support that you gave to this person (the Narcissist) and who would reject/destroy this love but a highly disordered person. This was all a huge con job starting from the very first day we met them because we were a new shiny toy for them to play with, BUT we believed it was love.

What you see or imagine about this ‘new relationship’ is likely a fantasy that you have created in your own mind that the Narcissist has reinforced with more lies and illusions to keep you under their control and keep you feeling vulnerable and hurt. It heightens their image of themselves to manipulate you even more after the fact (discard) so they can prove to you and the world that they are just that amazing and you (we) are obsessed, scorned or can’t move on without them. Guess what – we can, and I have and this place I am at is wonderful and how it is meant to be.

Changing this fantasy means taking back the power and controlling your thoughts to change what you tell yourself because you now know the truth, right? When we live our lives in dysfunction there is always black and white thinking. We are either all good or all bad and guess who is controlling all of this – YUP the Narcissist. There are no shades of gray where a Narcissist is involved, and we somehow lose the ability to believe in ourselves as we once did. In time you will be seeing every color of the rainbow in your head like you once did.

When the Narcissist projects all of these images that we are too blame, it is our problem, and always our fault, we somehow assume the blame and the shame in all of this as if we ARE the bad one and they in turn are the good one. Just ask yourself what you have really done, and I bet you will not even know beyond what the Narcissist has manipulated you into believing. Again, that is just our emotions that are invested in what we believed was love and not anything near the truth! We try to fix each and every one of their delusional attacks on our integrity as if we did something/anything to deserve this – just an outcome of their daily managing down and brain-washing. This destroys our self-worth and we feel so much worse because we have somehow lost everything that we believed was good about ourselves – but WHO told us this? We are under the wrong illusion to believe this was OUR FAULT – we were manipulated in a manner to make us feel that we WERE bad, wrong, crazy or anything else the Narcissist managed us down with and that defines the devaluation phase.

You felt worthy and loveable once. So, what happened? We gave the Narcissist the power to validate us because we became emotionally attached thinking we would grow as two normal people do in a relationship. When we give someone else the power to validate our worthiness, we also give them the power to invalidate us. Now you MUST empower yourself with the truth that you were manipulated, brainwashed, lied to, dehumanized, betrayed, and so many other things by a sadistic and not fully functioning human being. You also must realize that you also have the power to bring yourself out of this and become that amazing person you ALWAYS were. Let the truth guide your way and discard all of those negative messages from your Narcissist because they were all lies just like everything else! The person that did this to you was a personality disordered person that abused you – this was abuse – this was NOT your fault – again, THIS WAS ABUSE and situational! No/minimal contact! Greg

Remember – what you see with a Narcissist is ALL an illusion there is nothing there but a facimile personally created to charm you into their deceptive world! Nar•cis•sist [nahr-suh-sist] – noun – con artist, life HACK, scammer, chameleon, shape shifter, liar, extortionist, manipulator, great pretender, thief, user, “Charms to Harm,” abuser. PREDATOR after PREY! Dangerous to ALL humans no matter what the connection!

Remember – what you see with a Narcissist is ALL an illusion there is nothing there but a facimile personally created to charm you into their deceptive world! Nar•cis•sist [nahr-suh-sist] – noun – con artist, life HACK, scammer, chameleon, shape shifter, liar, extortionist, manipulator, great pretender, thief, user, “Charms to Harm,” abuser. PREDATOR after PREY! Dangerous to ALL humans no matter what the connection!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Remember – what you see with a Narcissist is ALL an illusion there is nothing there but a facsimile personally created to charm you into their deceptive world! Nar•cis•sist [nahr-suh-sist] – noun – con artist, life HACK, scammer, chameleon, shape shifter, liar, extortionist, manipulator, great pretender, thief, user, “Charms to Harm,” abuser. PREDATOR after PREY! Dangerous to ALL humans no matter what the connection!

Beneath that thin mask the Narcissist wears is the reality of their pathological self PLUS their WHOLE past of victims/targets they have abused and an envy for life that shows in their raging temper that is like a volcano that can erupt at any given moment. YES, they are aware of their actions because they use lie after lie to cover up their abuse. Like a child that stole a piece of candy and lies about it to avoid being punished – so does the Narcissist at a monumental level. Remember their past is always following them and should they ever stop for a moment it will catch up with them and completely consume them because they are abusers that have damaged many people’s lives – even their own family so they try to extinguish the flames from that past with MORE lies. When the going gets tough the Narcissist gets going – so they are off and running to new supply ALWAYS surrounding themselves with a protective circle of new targets/victims, MORE NEW LIES, as well as a new and WONDEROUS life to shore up their disordered life AGAIN – and this equation ALWAYS includes the demise/destruction of the previous source of supply and the “believers” that support the delusional Narcissist! Thus the cycle of abuse – they are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.

The Narcissist is a human that is not fully functioning – and quickly becomes very adept at “fitting in” with camouflage or “a mask” as it is described clinically. Initially, the Narcissist will size up AND take in as much if not of all of the new target’s behavior and mimic it or mirror it back to them to SEEM like they have so much in common with the victim – NO MATTER WHAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS. The Narcissist is VERY ADEPT AT THIS and will carefully study the target’s interactions with others, as well as their body language, tone of voice, and general demeanor. As an expert predator/hunter, the Narcissist will methodically craft a plan of attack and begin to track and assess their target’s every thought. The Narcissist will slowly approach the target with complimentary words and statements and then the Narcissist will model themselves and their behaviors to what he/she thinks will please and SNARE their new target into their web of deceit and destruction. The Narcissist will assume the behavior of the target’s “perfect partner”. The Narcissist knows what the target desires in a partner, friend, or mate and morph’s right into that role – the MOST PERFECT friend, lover or again whatever the relationship may be. This is the most important aspect in the Narcissist’s arsenal of tools – GAINING TRUST of their target soon to be victim – this is the CHARM or love bombing. Without it the cycle of abuse and extortion will just not happen, and the Narcissist is unable to secure their LIFE SUSTAINING supply so they HEAVILY invest in this tactic. Remember without it they CAN NOT get to their precious source of supply NOR can they cannot survive without it – so this basically describes the truth of the situation or that they are PREDATORS AFTER PREY. Also remember that they have to create their supporters or minions on the side to protect them as well. A Narcissist’s true colors will always show that they are abusive so they need their support system to protect them once they are outed.

A Narcissist is so seductive that he/she makes you believe in him/her with your whole heart, mind and soul. Unfortunately for all who tread on this emotional rollercoaster with a Narcissist they don’t realize just how dangerous this connection with them is until it is too late. The charm a Narcissist utilizes creates an oblivious feeling of being connected or very attracted to most everything about them. We can become fascinated with someone because of their physical beauty BUT a charming and captivating Narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks, definitely, can increase the magnetic pull towards the Narcissist, but that is not at the core of this abuse, it is the manufactured charm that is a psychologically damaging and a deceptive tool used to manipulate, condition, manage you down and control you.

They charm people to death (figuratively) and this is what literally attracts us to them or that CHARM. But with a Narcissist it is that magnetism that makes you feel a sort of hypnotizing attraction that manifests itself in your psyche and every level of your soul and right to your core beliefs! In reality you are being charmed by their shrewd ability of REFLECTING back everything that is YOU creating this intoxicating and deep-rooted bond. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you’ve known them a long time, soul mates, or you feel very safe with them – perhaps you have known them in a prior life or whatever fantasy belief that Narcissist has instilled in your mind. BUT, they will suck the life out of you once they find a way in and THAT is why they CHARM us so heavily in the beginning – again, so much so that it is intoxicating.

Narcissists work extremely hard at making themselves believable as it concerns their overt lies and myths about themselves. They arm themselves with a vast array of learned information they have harvested through their observations of other humans. They acquire and then wear, personalize or enhance this information as if it is truly theirs. So, what is the goal again with all of this? To snag you into his/her Narcissistic lair to make you supply them with the things they need and can’t get because they are a dark and manipulative personality that envies life, love and people.

Remember and completely internalize this – there is no marriage vow, relationship (even family), friendship, or connection to the care and love they proclaim they have for us. NOTHING prohibits a Narcissist from doing exactly what they want because there are no consequences they feel internally and really there is NO RELATIONSHIP or bonding with them – just an agenda to objectify ALL people. BUT also remember this – YOU do possess empathy, YOU can love people, YOU can bond, YOU can have all kinds of relationships, and YOU will recover from the hack on your life from this creature! YOU were too strong for them and saw through their façade because YOU are amazing! The miracle here is that the Narcissist is out of your life no matter how painful it feels right now – be strong! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

The CHARM to HARM effect with a Narcissist – lets understand what it is and WHY they do it!

The CHARM to HARM effect with a Narcissist – lets understand what it is and WHY they do it!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists have effectively learned how to bounce between attacking and retreating to keep their victims off balance by consistently undermining and lowering their self- esteem OR devaluing and managing people down and THEN throwing a little positive lifeline to pull the victim right back in. The target/victim puts their all into TRYING to fix these wrongs in favor of reconciliation or returning the relationship back to the amazing love that they were conned into believing was real. It is a hideous to use love to con good people into a trusting union and then extort that trust for gain!

The Narcissist is a predator after prey. Targets/victims too often miss the signs of emotional/psychological abuse, even though they are always there because they are heavily charmed into believing this person is good and safe and the abuse message is hidden within. Narcissists have effectively learned how to bounce between attacking and retreating, keeping their victims off balance by undermining and lowering their self- esteem. Targets/victims become desensitized to these attacks and accept them as reality. The target/victim puts their all into TRYING to fix the wrongs in favor of reconciliation or returning the relationship back to the amazing love that they were conned into believing was real. It is a hideous to use love to con good people into a trusting union and then extort that trust for gain!

A Narcissist is disordered and has so many internal conflicts and delusions concerning their superiority over others that they don’t know how to address other human beings as being anything but an object or supply to serve them! However, people serve a real purpose in the Narcissist’s life so they do know how to TRAP their targets/victims with their love bombing though! Narcissists also feel they have a RIGHT to condemn and punish people when they DON’T serve them appropriately AND continually BUT the Narcissist gives NOTHING in return. Narcissists definitely do not see themselves as needing to change OR having serious issues because they do not have empathy or the internal mechanics to process anything but their needs. There is absolutely no form of logic, care, love, respect, submissiveness or kindness that will be enough to reach them at any level because they have disassociated from a ‘real self!’. They don’t experience moments where they think about the harm they are inflicting on others, nor an ounce of love that they would share with the person that gives them unconditional love. They are completely empty souls that walk around our world full of entitlement, envy, and hate. They are driven by their endless needs and take what they can from people. They pillage life and destroy rationale in the world through conflict and inflicting damage by abusing people.

They are not seeking a normal relationship with anyone, they are looking for ‘people servants.’ They do not understand or respect the individual rights of people because they do not understand or respect themselves and they honor NO boundaries. Narcissists hide from their own insecurity and weaknesses by manipulating and harming others by making them feel weak and beneath the Narcissist (a delusional form of projection or justification!) They have no control over their own DISTORTED emotions (nor desire it) so they attempt to control others with that magnanimous and charming facade to hide what they are. They are extortionists and PSYCHO bullies pure and simple, but they are shrewd enough to cover their tracks in public, but when you are on a personal level with them the mask slips off far too often especially when there are no witnesses around! While they may seem to be very CHARMING and have some positive qualities, they are purely toxic and have unrealistic expectations that nobody can meet and EVERY person WILL see this in time. Targets/victims that try to relate to the Narcissist (or love them) will never meet any of the Narcissists expectations and will end up being completely managed down by the Narcissists unstable personality and insatiable appetite for supply, as well as traumatized, disabled, and destroyed.

What I am trying to do here is to explain why the educational process is so extremely important to recovery. I am not using the word education in a manner that only describes the Narcissist or abuse and “there you have it!’ Instead I am trying to emphasize the importance of education being vital to breaking the abuse messages that play in your mind, as well as defining the manner that a Narcissist drives this abuse straight into your heart, soul, mind and world and why I call this situational abuse. We must understand what we DON’T understand to move on and up to a level of recovery. We must accept that they are what they are, move on with the truth and do some damage control and heal!

Targets/victims get so lost in the day to day managing down that they fail to see just how effective the Narcissist is at distorting their reality (the manipulation). You are never having a REAL conversation with a REAL person. This is the essence of ABUSE and how we become desensitized and our reality distorted. Everything a Narcissist says (and does) has NOTHING to do with a normal ‘back and forth’ conversation between two normal people! You (target/victim) are COMMUNICATING and believing that the Narcissist is reciprocating, but they are observing and scheming through your words and actions. They are drawing information from you in a manner to know your strengths and weaknesses and how to use those against you – sort of like a predator calculating in a manner to trap their prey. They may reply in what seems like a normal manner but they are actually interrogating you to draw out what they can and then they distort what they can so you never have a cohesive conversation with them. You will always find yourself WONDERING about something or other.

The end result is that they have you where they want you. Along with that they employ so many techniques to confuse you, or make you question what you said, or basically always feeling like you have to explain yourself. That is how they gain the upper hand! Beyond the love bombing which was just another grand scheme to manipulate you into the abuse with words and actions, the remainder of the relationship will consume you with always feeling the need to defend yourself. There is no such thing as individuality with a Narcissist and they are not going to allow you to have needs or be anything but what they want you to be. The KEY point here is that the love you FEEL (conned into) connects you to a Narcissist as well as blinds you to the abuse because they dangle that love in front of you and make you basically beg to have it back. That is purely behavioral modification using withholding techniques to change you to accept their disordered abuse! Remember that they are employing their disguise to con everyone around them to get what they want, but the primary 24/7 supply suffers the most from this abuse. They have other sources of supply on the side to feed their out of control lifestyle, and minions that sing their praises. How sad and destructive for the primary 24/7 target/victim to believe that what they have with a Narcissist is LOVE when it is nothing more than a place for the Narcissist to have constant supply as well as a refuge to hide the real truth of just how perverted they are.

The dynamics of a relationship with them is built solely on the premise that you are an object to this distorted creature for as long as they want you to be OR until they have extorted everything they can from you, OR you uncover the truth about them. Unfortunately, you are coming from what you believe is a real relationship with them so you are blinded to the day to day subtle manipulation and abuse. Love, commitment and growth are your goals, but slowly but surely your emotions and thoughts are eroded away until you lose the person you were for so many years. The Narcissist doesn’t ever stop the abuse because they need to devalue and discard you and they manipulate you into temporary insanity. They push and push you so that you react in ways that MAKE you out to be the ‘crazy one’ and then they use that against you. This is what they are and what they do. There is absolutely NOTHING you could have done to change any of this. This is a predator with an agenda to secure its prey, feed off of it, devalue it, destroy it, and then move on to new hunting grounds to find another person to prey on. BUT they are so good at this game that few see through them until it is too late! Add to the fact that a Narcissist will destroy each of their targets/victims integrity to cover their tracks by using the insanity they forced you into AGAINST you. The world is none the wiser to these criminals. Try explaining your incredulous experience and you have sealed your faith as being the ‘crazy one’ just like the Narcissist has described you to everyone and BEHIND your back. The Narcissist has everything covered as far as the abuse is concerned.

Targets/victims that are abused have to understand that the abuse doesn’t have anything to do with them and the actions of the Narcissist are not their fault. What you are feeling and reacting to is the many years of the brainwashing or manipulation (same thing.) You are NOT this person but instead a brainwashed individual that has had your dignity striped away from you by a highly disordered and destructive abuser. This is one of the hardest things to realize that there is absolutely nothing you could have done that would have any influence on changing this creature. Targets/victims of emotional/psychological abuse often think otherwise hoping they can fix things and only end up in this vortex of blaming themselves as being the defective one as well as the reason for the failing state of the relationship. Again this is the Narcissist doing what they do so well, confusing you and using mind control to make you accept their disordered agenda. It is the only way these creatures could function in our world and that is through lies and manipulation, otherwise they would be in jail for what they really are.

Just some reality and the truth! With a Narcissist you will give until you are emotionally, spiritually and physically bankrupt and receive little or nothing in return AND you will lose yourself completely. Just take a hard look at yourself today and then compare that with your state of being when you first met your Narcissistic partner. You are more than likely psychologically and emotionally worse off and feeling totally numb and a different person. Narcissists are thieves and once they have taken all you have to give, you are history and they discard you and move on to new and plentiful supply – and THEY DO NOT CARE.

PLEASE, please internalize that they waged a psychological war that had an agenda with you from day one! Narcissists are amoral and you CAN’T engage with them in any moral or conscience based issues and expect to achieve anything or better yet win. They DON’T love they abuse and extort. Narcissists have absolutely no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. They abide by no rules or laws. They aren’t REAL! There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their thoughtless and CRUEL approach to other people especially yourself. They feel COMPLETELY entitled in this world. If you are looking for revenge then you will never achieve any satisfaction in that arena either. They don’t connect to your thoughts or words as they concern any opinion that you may have about them, nor do they care. You are only an object and supply and it begins and ends there! No/minimal contact. Greg

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