It is so very important to understand the truth about these emotional, manipulative, and destructive abusers so we can break ANY bond we have with them! We MUST realize how dangerous it is to be caught up in their toxic world.

Image may contain: text that says 'PLEASE understand this completely! Narcissists are EMOTIONALLY stunted (severely), and underdeveloped adults. So no matter how high mentally functioning they appear to be they only have the mental intelligence of an irrational and angry child and BULLY! From my Book: Greg Zaffuto- Author-From From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Bewteen with a Narcissist imgflip.com'

It is so very important to understand the truth about these emotional, manipulative, and destructive abusers so we can break ANY bond we have with them! We MUST realize how dangerous it is to be caught up in their toxic world.


From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

No photo description available.


https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468750462&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm


Their sole pursuit is their omnipotence or to be seen as God’s gift to the world through pathological deception and destructive acts of emotional and psychological terrorism to all people! In reality, they are only hiding a very damaged and dark world. There is no cure for them, and this is evidenced by the many people that have offered unconditional love to them only to be rejected and destroyed through their efforts. Love can and will heal all and if it doesn’t then it is beyond human capacity to change a person that is this devoid of the natural goodness of life and they are only soulless creatures. Ask yourself why they imitate love, or why they wear it as part of their disguise if not to achieve their destructive agenda. They know it well enough to use it but obviously they can’t be it.


They create scenarios to discover your weakness or fears and store them away to manipulate you later. They don’t use language as communication, it is for hiding, deflecting, avoiding, masking, & manipulating because their charm is completely false. They take pride in their own righteousness and rightness. They attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They NEVER believe they make mistakes even when they proof is right there in front of them. They have an innate inability to feel, process or truly understand shame from the negative and hurtful things they do to others – they can only blame and apply fault to everybody else. Contradict them a few times and you will feel their out of control narcissistic rage.

Their conversations and interactions aren’t meant to enlighten, but to confuse, control, and consistently create drama. They are a huge VOID, working to get whatever they can from you – basically they extort life and lives. They expect you to lend a listening ear and give them constant and complete approval. They use emotional withdraw and silencing to create guilt, compliance and control. They will betray personal information and secrets to feel more powerful. They will manipulate and use flattery or protests of their innocence (crying, pleading, and begging) like a stealth weapon to achieve their agenda and get their way. They will use verbal skills to block or deflect accountability for their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle and sift blame onto YOU. They impact lives negatively but miraculously escape exposure even appearing to have some positive effect and you end up the negative aspect of the relationship with them.

I want to educate, describe and give some insight about some of the typical ways a Narcissist maintains their ‘center of the universe’ agenda or omnipotence. How they operate as well as some of their manipulative reactions to warp our reality through blaming, shaming, drama, invalidating, making fun of your insecurities, and sharing secrets with others to triangulate and make you out to be the biggest piece of ‘poo’ in the world to build themselves up. This is all categorized as their manipulative CRAZY MAKING!

They will fake or imitate sincerity, caring, and honor under the guise of good intentions with an agenda to GET SOMETHING from you or anybody.
They blame and blame some more and then blame again, NEVER taking personal responsibility for anything they do wrong which is most everything!

They are HIGH maintenance creatures because they need your constant attention, praise, and deference to all of their whims, fancies and needs without a single consideration to any of your needs. Deprive them of something they want and look out as they reveal their true destructive nature through raging!

They COMPLETELY lack all empathy, so they just don’t care who they harm, use, or abuse! It doesn’t matter if it is you, me, their mother/father, brother/sister, biological children, friends, senior citizens, husband/wife, the pastor/priest, law enforcement officials, and judges – get the point they will psychologically ABUSE everybody!

They may put on a great show, even smile when they meet you and even ask “How are you?”, but seriously they are not interested about you as a living and breathing person, yet alone an individual that shares this planet with them – you are only supply! Think of them as a trained parrot saying “Pauley wants a cracker” but with them it is more aptly described as “Narcissist wants some supply.” There is no meaning behind the words with Pauley or the Narcissist, it is just a learned behavior to get something they want.

If you ever dare point out one of their many flaws or an error they made, they will strike out at you in a poisonous and defensive mode like a snake. They will counter any notion with anger, venting, rage, silencing, ignoring you with a cold shoulder, or abandon you as DUE punishment.

They will create some amazing and exciting plans, but rarely will make them happen. They want you to anticipate their generosity but they will never offer anything more than the empty words. It is all ‘make believe’ or better yet “manipulating you to believe.” Basically it is a ploy to make you believe they are giving and caring. Ask them about the non-existent plans and they will turn it around on you saying you just never seemed interested, or they never said this or that, etc.

They will shift blame onto you to purposely make you feel defensive, then they will belittle and devalue you for being defensive, saying you are ‘an angry person’ or over-react taking everything so personally. Since they do this so seamlessly they always keep you in a place of insecurity and confused. They totally invalidate your ability to have any opinion as far as it concerns their words AND actions! You are always frozen in place to deflect the truth of what they are AND they will keep you there forever trying to only please them until you stop believing.

They will help you out in some manner but make you feel indebted for the little thing they have done AND they will keep reminding you of it! It invalidates the bigger picture of all that you have done for them.

They are psychotic blowhards, braggers, brow-beaters, psycho-bullies, arrogant, big-headed, and one enormous lie.Whatever they may do to help you out, they will make you feel beholden to them FOREVER. But they are never appreciative or even acknowledge any help you give.

They are extremely skilled at making and warping your reality with their words, actions and manipulations basically conditioning you to crave their constant approval.

They build you up then knock you down. They will make you feel loved and very special, then they emotionally distance themselves from you to keep you unsure of the relationship and your reality.

They are a mishmash of behaviors and actions that they have harvested from different people they have met at different times in their life. All of their ideas or ways of behaving in any given situation are stolen from others, people they know or perhaps think of as an authority. They morph into these qualities like an actor memorizing their role in a play or a movie.

They push your buttons like an elevator, with constant ‘ups and downs’ to keep you off-balance blameworthy OR the very opposite of this with positive compliments to lock you back up into the cycle of abuse.

They groom you with subtle to extreme manipulation with a combination of charm and rage (harm) to keep you controlled. Their sense of omnipotence and self-importance (extreme neediness) means that they will manage down the conversations of others and back onto themselves.

They are PATHOLOGICAL liars, using all forms of lies to deceive. To quote a friend of mine, “If they are breathing, they are lying!” They treat people as servants and expect them to do mundane things or always pay their way, since they feel so deserving and too important to do them. They manage people down to be more of a servant to them without a voice.

They constantly use “I”, “me,” and “my” when they talk because they are the most important thing in the world – it is ALWAYS about them.
You will very rarely if ever hear them talk about their innermost thoughts, life, memories, or dreams, because there are none that are real and personal to them – they will LIE and make up situations to create a false image of their extreme goodness and amazing life. They will pose in a picture with their biological children as if they are such a real participant in their world when they just happened to be in a situation where their spouse did ALL of the work and the Narcissist poses for the photo opportunity only but did NOTHING real to support the spouse’s efforts in raising them.
They remain at a childlike level of maturity where there is never any growth – there is no operable maturity in their thinking.

It is always “me, myself, and I” and never ever “we” unless they need something, so they manipulate you once more to believe in the “we.”
They express fake empathy and use it as a tool that they con unsuspecting targets into their lair of darkness.

They only “give to get” by being nice or helpful expecting reciprocation. Always an agenda to get or take something as supply.
They present themselves as “having it all together or being on top of the world” never showing or divulging their many failures, weaknesses AND darkness!

They shift to a defensive mode and/or rage very frequently when they feel threatened or are made accountable for their deceptive manner. This is a HUGE control mechanism to keep you in a subservient place or role in their lives!

They apologize, but it is ALWAYS shallow and never means there will be a real change in the bad behavior they were called on, it just means they are reeling you back to abuse you more for supply!

They deflect or run from their own problems rather than addressing them responsibly AND just blame someone else in the world.

They will demand your trust rather than earning it – and they will never be transparent enough for you to see any of their real qualities only the fake ones they create to shore up their ‘good’ image. They KNOW that they aren’t real enough to trust, so they always deflect to hide what they really are.

They see you as an extension of themselves, an object to use, you are never an individual and they will resist your every attempt at freedom from being a source of supply.

They re-write history, create incredulous and false stories, euphemisms, make up their own rules and laws but obey none. Their truth is completely FALSE!

They always talk about themselves to stay in control – our role is that of an entity like a mirror where they can stroke their ego through the false image they reflect onto us!

They find all of your weaknesses and exploit them to make you feel vulnerable.

They honor NO personal boundaries and rarely listen or respect your “No.”

They will easily take advantage of others to reach their own goals without giving their actions a second thought. There is absolutely NO empathy in their world.

They will take or steal whatever they want from you or anybody. What is yours is theirs (without asking!)

Their façade is to always appear to be tough-minded, unyielding and unemotional to remain in control of others. But they will react to criticism with anger, blame-shifting, shaming or humiliating others to maintain their façade.

They fail to recognize people as individuals and consequently demean, devalue and dehumanize everybody that enters their lair of deceit.
They are very aggressive, hostile, verbally vicious, MEAN, and will punish anybody that wounds their delicate ego. They will divert to their defensive mode and will rip you apart with their rage and disgusting mouth. They think nothing of physically making fun of somebody to empower themselves and this makes them feel like they are in control.

They will vocalize regret for their actions, but it is for ‘show’ and only for a short period of time. They will soon rationalize it away with blame, shame, projection and basically dumping it all down our throat as being the problem and not them.

They are ALWAYS the sexiest, best looking and they will tell you how this person and that one checked them out and ‘wanted’ them. Their appearance is important, so primping in every mirror, and fastidiousness is common ground for them.

They talk in such inappropriate ways and believe that they are above reproach and we actually want to hear their perverse words or listen to their descriptive dialogue about their out-of-control lifestyle.

They will rationalize everything to make sure they always come out on top by negating praise that is appropriated to someone else.

They will steal your idea, your quote, your plan, your wisdom and EVEN your life and make it their own. They will fake their credentials, re-write history, name drop, lie on their resume or about their credentials – anything to get what they want without earning it the correct way.

They can create destructive chaos in any organization or business environment and cause dissention among the people that work there. This includes volunteer situations, church organization or virtually any group setting that they join.

This is a PARTIAL list of how they successfully make their ‘crazy making’ an operative agenda in every situation. Their abuse is never confined to just relationships they abuse every person and or situation that they are a participant. Their abuse is all too familiar to their families, biological children, friendships, co-workers, and organizations they are involved in. Unfortunately the closer you are to them the more apparent their abuse becomes. They charm their way into everybody’s lives and ALWAYS harm them. I coined the phrase from “charm to harm.” Allowing a Narcissist into your life is a train wreck waiting to happen. You must avoid them like the plague because their crazy making is really psychological abuse that severely damages people, their careers, and their whole life. No/minimal contact is the only anecdote to their destruction and poison! You CAN’T allow them into any aspect of your life! Lock them out of your heart and mind! Greg

The highs and lows of an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship. It is like a roller coaster ride with so many highs and lows as well as the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach!

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The highs and lows of an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship. It is like a roller coaster ride with so many highs and lows as well as the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

It is all a BIG diversion to keep you confused and to control you – this is what emotional and psychological abuse is. It is easy to get a sort of addicted feeling (or obsession pattern) especially after the devastating and heart-breaking lows or when the Narcissist has abandoned you both emotionally and physically or they have been misbehaving (cheating or any number of things.) Consequently, when the Narcissist returns to you, the high feels so euphoric and BAM the pain is gone. Everything is back to NORMAL again because the Narcissist is behaving so well, he/she reinstates how much he/she loves you and can’t live without you and wants to be with you forever! It seems like an opportunity once again to fix this and get back to that feeling you once shared in the beginning or from the love bombing. Normal?? Yes, that is the normal that you have been managed down to accept by allowing this cycle to continue – MORE ABUE! Sometimes during the devaluation stage, the Narcissist just returns to hurt you even more and somehow that still satisfies us as a fix. It deteriorates to such a level that any contact becomes a small glimmer of hope when there is none! My Narcissist kept this up for almost a year after the relationship ended. Text messages and emails were ALL attacks or look at me in this new and wonderful relationship I have, or “I told you I would leave if you didn’t change.” What exactly should have changed in me? More willingness to accept the lies, betrayal, manipulation and psychological abuse.

I did change though by changing ME and going no contact because I finally realized I was dealing with a high level of dysfunction that was imposed on me by a disordered creature that meant to harm and destroy me. I left it at that because I didn’t need any more proof to realize what this person was because I lived it daily for far too long, so I turned inward to fix what needed fixed in me. I never returned OR put myself in a position to analyze or reanalyze this person or allow any more distorted messages/lies to be sent from this Narcissist. What basis of reality would exist by staying in contact with this monster? Only more of those distorted messages and lies that were meant to manipulate me and got me to such a terrible place. So, I left all of that behind me to move forward. You can’t create reality where there is none and I swallowed that huge pill and moved forward for me.

I could share page after page of the ridiculous stories my Narcissist told me or situations that were all lies to cover up the truth. They were horrendous lies that I could clearly see through but somehow, I justified each and every one of them. My Narcissist was out having sex with someone and using stories that one of their children was sick EVEN stating that one had a terminal illness, or the Narcissist was stuck somewhere because of bad weather, (again all lies.) But I could also tell you just how this Narcissist begged me to come back each and every time this happened as well as the devaluation this Narcissist HAD to inflict on me FIRST. This was all part of the process to manage me down to inflict a little more psychological damage. It ALWAYS comes back to HOW THEY LOVE US when they really don’t, but those words “I LOVE YOU” somehow resonate a reconnection with them OR TRYING ONE MORE TIME. So, there is a rhyme to their reason. The truth here is that they are pathological liars, they betray the very people that love them, they do not consider or even care how they hurt and disable the people closest to them, they turn it around and BLAME us, they will rage at us when they are caught in their lies and punish us even more and THAT is subjugation! BUT they finally apologize and beg for us to come back after they have inflicted these layers to damage us more and CONTROL us more – we are only supply to them. DEFINITION: Sub•ju•gate – to bring under control, with the intent to conquer. To make or force subordination or enslave. The state of being under the control of another person.

The human brain works in a manner that chemicals or endorphins are released in response to something that makes us feel wonderful and that gives us that euphoric feeling. BUT the opposite is true, when the stimulus that made us feel so wonderful is withdrawn from us the production of the endorphins shuts down causing anxiety and even depression. Just simple Psychology! It is very common that a narcissist can be so incredibly charming and perfect in the beginning of the relationship (love bombing) and you fall strongly in love. As a result of all of this AND the Narcissist’s manipulative agenda, you soon become strongly addicted to your partner and you still want this love available to you. It is an amazing love and MEANT to be that way to start the cycle of abuse! In normal relationships, it is reciprocated back and together you BOTH bond or fall in love. But with a Narcissist they dangle this love in front of you and then pull it away and make you basically beg to get it back – it is conditioning and they use this method to disable us! The Narcissist is grooming you in this back and forth manner to make you dependent on them. It is dehumanizing how they psychologically abuse a good and loving person to beg for their acceptance and love, especially when they initiated the whole process by tricking us into loving them to only bring us to our knees. There is nothing simple as it concerns being brainwashed or psychologically abused in this manner.

When that Narcissist returns to us after he/she has left us for the umpteenth time it is that ‘special feeling’ we want back, and we do feel special again. BUT the feeling is not the same as in the beginning because once again it has been corrupted by the dehumanizing behavior of the Narcissist and that grows and grows with each and every situation. In reality, all we are doing is hanging on to that distorted love they offer. We are only hoping and always trying to fix everything to reach the same euphoric state we always felt in the very beginning of the relationship.

It is similar to what an addict experiences when their access to their substance of choice is denied and those horrible withdrawal symptoms occur, the same thing happens in a relationship with a Narcissist (the endorphins in our mind shutting down). As soon as the love bombing or the idealization phase is over the Narcissist’s behavior changes drastically. They become cold, distant, uncaring, and even very cruel or the direct opposite. You in turn feel lost and disoriented because your Narcissist no longer loves you and they drive that point home by blaming and shaming you into believing YOU have caused this shift in the relationship. You have no idea WHAT you have done or why they have changed their behavior, and the result is that you are suddenly deprived of your “emotional drug” or them, and you experience strong withdrawal symptoms. Your mind is filled with mixed feelings of depression, anxiety and other forms of mental pain and anguish and you want it to end to get things right again!

Through all of this, and the many other times you have experienced this, you have only tried to maintain your relationship, fix it, try harder, achieve order or whatever but there is never any success in your endeavors. If your Narcissist is giving you the slightest little hint that they might still be in love with you (or connected), or even care for you, it is just getting a small dose of their love drug to keep you hanging on. It is no longer consistent and you are doing whatever you can to get to it (that small dose) after the horrible deprivation. You experience a short-lived fix and those negative and oppressive feelings disappear for a short period of time but they always return and are even stronger than the last time because of more and more managing down!

Personally, I dealt with this on a continual basis. I am not weak but I fell into the charm, love bombing, and brainwashing or subjected to the effects of this psychological abuse. That is what gets us to this chaotic state of returning over and over again to our abuser. We would never accept or react to this type of treatment if we were not vulnerable from this psychological abuse. It simply disables your reality slowly and surely or through conditioning! Yes, there was my part in all of this and I dealt with that but it is still the outcome of having this horrendous manipulation and betrayal forced into my reality but it DIDN’T or DOESN’T describe me as weak – this was abuse. Lab rats are trained to respond with deprivation and humans can be brainwashed. It is comparable to being a prisoner of war and you have no other resolve but to respond to your captors because this has become your reality. This is not a silly excuse it is the reality that this is psychological abuse and domestic violence.

This addiction or obsession is purely destructive to a target/victim’s psychological well-being and it takes time to desensitize all the messages that got the target/victim to this point. Even after the fact (the discard) the target/victim feels unsure about themselves in everyday life and even simple decision making becomes distorted from being managed down so much – just another sign of the reality of this abuse. Many experience Post Traumatic Stress disorder or basically trauma like they were in a war zone. Targets/victims don’t just jump into a new relationship with vigor or trust and leave all of the psychological damage behind. A Narcissist will be in a new relationship within minutes of their departure, yelling to the world that YOU abused them and they had to run and never looked back to save themselves. Just another one of their little surprises to make sure they drive the abuse even deeper and we are completely traumatized. Just a strong identifying aspect of what they do. It is traumatizing to say the least.

A target/victim never walks away from this abuse as a strong and healthy individual – sometimes both mentally and physically. This is serious business and unfortunately some targets/victims walk away without the necessary help to recover from this abuse. Please as you read this understand that it requires your commitment to go no-contact, a strong education about these critters, support from other victims/survivors and any professional help to get you through this. Don’t spend your time trying to understand your Narcissist because they are what they are – ABUSERS. You have already invested your emotions and time into this for too long with NO SUCCESS and nothing is EVER going to change. Your time and energy need to be directed to your recovery process. All of the psychological abuse has to be purged out of your system. This is WHY we feel so depressed, full of anxiety or completely void of that feeling of how our life was once happy or basically traumatized. We don’t want the Narcissist back, we will only end up responding to the many distorted and hypnotizing messages used to extort our life and love. Knowledge is power, the more you know about your “enemy” the better you can fight it. In this case the enemy is the mental abuse inflicted onto and into you or this addiction to return to your narcissistic partner to fix this or fix the narcissist. Understanding the reasons that are causing your negative emotions makes it easier for you to gain back control of your life. No/minimal contact! Greg

They always rewrite OR create a fake history whether it is lying, switching out their story to confuse us, manipulate us with FALSE facts, denying our memory, or any number of things to confuse us and trick us.

Image may contain: text that says 'What do Narcissists do to deflect from the TRUTH? They rewrite history to meet their NEEDS! Remember this- Narcissists rewrite history to escape and avoid accountability. YOUarenotcrazy, not YOU are experiencing the TRUE nature of this abuser and their gaslig gaslighting to confuse and make you question YOURSELF! From my Book: Greg Zaffuto- Author -From haoHarm and Everything else in Between with Narcissist imgfip.com com'

They always rewrite OR create a fake history whether it is lying, switching out their story to confuse us, manipulate us with FALSE facts, denying our memory, or any number of things to confuse us and trick us.


From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

No photo description available.


https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468750462&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm


The Narcissist has successfully developed strong and shrewd communication skills that basically invalidate and manipulate our own perceptions about ourselves and distort all logic and reasoning rendering OUR communication with them useless. All interpersonal communication becomes twisted, circular, and an opportunity to make us feel invalidated, wrong, mentally unstable, invalidated and basically worthless. This within itself is often overlooked (the subtle abuse) but it is as dangerous as any of their other tools in the arsenal of Narcissistic abuse!


Well let’s go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let’s define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced, and not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or they are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims. The key words that describe the whole cycle of abuse are love-bombing, devaluation, discard and I always add DESTROY! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled.

So what goes on in the omnipotent Narcissists distorted version of life? There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment as it concerns any other human being on this planet – people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use, abuse, and discard at will. It is a very controlled mechanism in their arsenal of abuse. Normal people respect all life, but a Narcissist doesn’t deem life as worthy of THEIR respect. So, by treating others as unworthy the Narcissist is acting as if they are beneath reprieve for their actions, and we are totally insignificant, very disposable and infinitely less important than the all-important Narcissist. A Narcissist has no more regard for us than a person that steps on and squashes a poor bug that is minding its own business on the ground. Basically and unequivocally we are nothing and the Narcissist is everything in their world and at all costs even if it means total destruction of an individual!


Here is a quick ‘personal’ example from my past abuse situation of the flip flop rhetoric and tactics a Narcissist employs to constantly keep us on that up and down dizzying roller coaster ride: In one breath my Narcissist would say I was ‘the one,’ we were soul mates, and the perfect person the Narcissist had searched for all of their life. I was praised for being intelligent, physically attractive; I had wit and charm, as well as many other wonderful accomplishments. Then in an about face this Narcissist would deny all of what they said and find fault with everything I did, criticize the way I looked by making fun of me, denigrate my profession as a chef instructor calling me a cook that only serviced other people, scream at me, tell me I had no breeding or culture, had an ugly home, had no friends, was thoughtless, unaffectionate, selfish, etc.


What does all of this shout out at us? Many opposite and damaging extremes and the actions of a highly dysfunctional and manipulative abuser. Specifically one that uses CHARM and HARM to constantly modify their victim’s behavior AND security to keep them totally off balance — and in a constant thick fog of confusion by purposely manipulating with fake emotions and psychological abuse tactics. It completely distorts the victim’s thought processes and creates a form of trauma bond or a mishmash of intense feelings stretching from intense NEGATIVE rejection/putdowns and then back to the POSITIVE lifting up and attraction again. All of this takes up a great deal of your brain’s real estate and hijacks your emotions and ‘normal!’ AGAIN, like a ride on a roller coaster that leaves you craving the highs. Remember those highs you experienced seemed so great – but they were NOT. Everything became VERY painful/agonizing and that is what leaves you craving and ruminating about the old highs you ONCE believed in. BUT, it will NEVER change and you will be left on this roller coaster ride but without those highs because one day it all crashes OR YOU GET OFF FIRST.


The journey to recovery is now a process because we were unconsciously living and dealing with all the manipulative and destructive messages we internalized and validated as our reality. We must seek out education about this abuse and the truth about our situation as a key to unlock the door to our recovery. Yes those messages are going to be in our head for a good while BUT we have to create a healthy balance and desensitize them. What this means is that we have to move into a place where it is possible for us to recognize that a person HAS betrayed us in a manner to control us through mental abuse. We have to think about it in terms to validate the truth of the situation, but not to try to dissect the Narcissist and put our energy into trying to get into their heads. We spent a great deal of time trying to fix or basically heal them and we gave away too much of ourselves and ALL we got in return were MORE lies, manipulation, twisted stories, diversion, blame and more chaos. Turn this around and accept the truth that they are completely disordered and put that healing power back into yourself.
You HAVE the ability to change if you deprogram the messages that have been imprinted on your mind if you ALLOW yourself to be your OWN motivator in this process. Just say ‘NO’ to Narcissist. Remember the old drug campaign that showed an egg as describing your ‘healthy’ brain, and then it showed that same egg in a frying pan stating this is your brain on drugs (the fried egg.) Well just switch that around to the fired egg being your brain after being with a Narcissist. Please understand no/minimal contact and start of your road to recovery, it is imperative to moving on! Greg

No matter what we do, how hard we try, or how much we care/love them, we ALL have an expiration date.

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No matter what we do, how hard we try, or how much we care/love them, we ALL have an expiration date. Ending a relationship with a Narcissist is not like walking away from a normal relationship with a broken heart – you are walking away with a broken SELF. The vicious cycle of this abuse is really a manipulative trap that keeps you running in circles until it completely disables your reality, erases your personality, and then it ends and your abuser destroys YOUR integrity so they can move on to start this cycle up AGAIN with some new and unsuspecting person.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

We constantly struggled with the vision of that special love in the back of our mind (the one that we were CONNED into believing) to make the relationship work and making and keeping our Narcissist happy by working harder at the relationship. We were even asked or more like demanded by threats to do things differently or do what this Narcissist wants but it only led to more demands and made us sink deeper and deeper into this distorted and desperate love. From time to time we were even offered that little ‘glimmer of hope’ and an “I love you so much,” to achieve a cohesive peace but again it was not real at all and the Narcissist cashed in on their agenda once again by keeping us chained to their agenda with a little fake charm or leading us on!

But despite our intuition or the deep rooted sense that something was totally wrong with this relationship it felt familiar or similar to love because it started out that way and that is what we held onto to alleviate the struggles and pain. We began to feel increasingly unhappy because we were never getting our needs met as well as totally confused, lost, and always hurting. The struggle to get this person to love and accept you/us was not working so you/we employed all kinds of tactics to try harder but to no avail. It is the vicious cycle of this abuse or the trap that keeps you running in circles until it ends and that end is always devastating and destructive because of the psychological damage that the Narcissist inflicted that kept this toxic relationship in motion like a toy ‘Yo Yo’ on a string being forced up and down and guess who has their finger in the loop of that string – The Narcissist!

While you keep trying to hang on to this relationship you are only burying yourself deeper and deeper in the darkness and the void that defines a Narcissist and their personality disorder AND your personal abuse. It is this daily struggle that is so unfulfilling and so damaging, as well as makes you feel so unhappy and worthless. Beyond that there is going to be a huge eye opener from the full devaluation AND discard this creature is going to throw at you when your time is up with them to PROTECT themselves. It is virtually impossible to love a Narcissist normally because you are only plugging yourself into their manipulative game of abuse as their PRESENT source of supply. They are literally using up every bit of your life and reaping all the benefits. You can’t love a Narcissist because they are FAKE and all you are seeing is a projected image to fool or con you into their game or ABUSE.

A Narcissist AVOIDS seeing their real self and that is why they create all of these images/facades because they are completely empty and this is what they do to avoid seeing their real reflection in a mirror as well as make themselves look functional enough to create their fake bonds to con what they need out of people (supply). They avoid their real self so totally that they will defend their false image and destroy you for making them accountable for what they really are. There is such a mystery to them and that in itself becomes an addiction because we thought we saw a flicker of real love and a real person so we keep digging to find that again, but no there was none AND there is nothing there for us and yet we keep searching for it!

That idea that if we just try hard enough, we will find a way to create that loving connection or revive it becomes a goal BUT it is really a dangerous trap. Unfortunately, it kept us tied up in a relationship that really only revolved around basic functionality, but it always seemed to hold the unspoken promise of one day becoming a connection of unconditional love to us. The message that was always there was that we had to keep changing to meet the Narcissist’s needs and unfortunately we listened to this and made it our goal to FIX this. That is what we get so caught up in and end up losing ourselves completely without there ever being ANY resolution. Trying harder is NOT going to unlock the magic door to their unavailable and dead heart because you are dealing with a void and not a person. The unfortunate consequence to this is that you will have to grieve this empty love just as if it were real. Unfortunately, there is the psychological damage that destroyed your integrity, and learning to trust people again that is also attached and it requires many, many steps to actualize the entirety of this. So it is not like walking away from a normal relationship with a broken heart – you are walking away with a broken SELF and a broken LIFE.

So, despite everything you truly and deeply loved this person, or a Narcissist! Somewhere deep down inside of you there are feelings that have been buried and have only shown up as feelings of frustration because of how hard you tried. Let these feelings surface. Society has sort of taught us through imposed beliefs how we are supposed to feel as well as what we are not supposed to feel, but this abuse is very different and deserves respect and patience! We are told we MUST NOT be victims. Unfortunately, we are, but we never wanted this or to become a victim of this abuse. It is a reality that must be processed correctly to heal and that is understanding it all. I hate the word victim but I understand my reality and I am not going to write it off in favor of being stigmatized by a word. I lived through something called abuse from a personality disordered creature that tried to destroy me and then blamed me as if I were the abuser and then isolated me with backstabbing and a smear campaign that was an attempt to completely destroy my life and to silence me so this Narcissist could avoid exposure.

I was not going to acknowledge a frame of reference that disallowed my recovery because of a label someone created that now tells me I am even MORE wrong and must not speak out. Victims become survivors by actualizing the truth and THEN we dump that label! We all know how damaging it can be if we stay in this victim role, but that is your first cry for help AND reaching out as someone that needs support, education, love and a hand to pull you back up. IT IS ACTUALIZING THE TRUTH FIRST! I have heard from too many people that buried so much and it resurfaces and locks them up in many years of mistrust and isolation because they were told to move on. Educate yourself, get healthy again, and then work on ‘you!’ YES, you must move on and away from everything Narcissist once you get it and stop talking abuse or Narcissist and concentrate on YOU and your recovery. It is a personal process and different for everyone! Abuse is traumatizing and to recover from that trauma you must actualize the truth of what happened.

So, ask yourself this now. Have you allowed yourself to feel any disdain or anger towards them? Due to those beliefs, we are always supposed to take the higher road. BUT you are dealing with a Narcissist or a very disordered person that intentionally inflicted so much destruction on you through horrendous lies, betrayal, manipulation and they abused you terribly. Get angry and get mad because it can be liberating because you are acknowledging the truth and purge it out of yourself completely – THEN put that anger away to move forward. It is a stage of recovery to move you forward by purging it out of you completely. This can be very liberating when you embrace the truth and a great relief to realize that there is nothing wrong with you or your mental abilities. You didn’t know that this was a predator and a horrible person to have in your life. You didn’t have all of the tools to understand the relative danger of your reality with this Narcissist so don’t deceive yourself into thinking that there was a solution right there in front of you.

You get it today and you are away from them so it happened and you are free from this creature and the abuse. Count those blessings first to give yourself some levity to keep moving forward – that is self-compassion and self-respect that you DESERVE! Get healthy and use that as an opportunity to understand that there is evil out there and close every door that would enable this to happen to you again! Dig down deeply and acknowledge ALL of the distorted messages as well as the psychological abuse and desensitize it properly or it will only surface later. AGAIN, there is no magical cure or guru that can take you to recovery except for yourself. Your beliefs about life have been distorted and even shattered to your core and has created a negative and fearful view of the world and you must purge that out of you or be disabled for life. The process is long and you CAN’T skip any part of it. You must separate completely from diagnosing the Narcissist or reliving the past trying to understand it any more than what you do today. It was abuse imposed on you by a Malignant Narcissist. Educate yourself about this creature until you get it, then work on healing YOU!

Your heart is unconditional and you are full of goodness and empathy, but protect that now that you have started to close that door to this Narcissist because they will always welcome you back for more abuse! If you have ever tried to really help a Narcissist as most of us have you know that if you get too close to the truth of what they are it will blow up in your face and cause you horrendous damage. The Narcissist doesn’t want to be fixed or have their issues pointed out to them or solved. They want to escape with absolutely NO accountability of the truth as it concerns them and they will ALWAYS blame others for their problems and the way they ABUSE people. No matter what you say or do, the Narcissist will shift all of the blame right back onto you!

Attempting to reason or demanding accountability only starts up their immense denial mechanism and they will find every reason to divert from divulging the truth and they will even bump it up to destroy your integrity for attempting to divulge the truth that they are abusers. It is a tactic on their part that they have used all of their life. Blaming others keeps the Narcissist at arm’s length from their true darkness as well as their many issues AND safe from exposure. They have spent their entire life living under this shield of protection and you or nobody else can make them see the truth. They will strike out at you in such a manner that will hurt you more than you already are.

However, you can work with that truth in a manner to acknowledge that this was situational abuse and YOU are not to blame, a fool, mentally unstable, or any of the negative messages this Narcissist used to manage you down to feel worthless – that was all projection from this personality disordered Narcissist. To this day my Narcissist is still out there blaming every ‘ex’ or better yet all of the victims because karma is too close for comfort. This Narcissist is imploding and it is very evident in every imaginable way – BUT at this point for me it is just information because I have taught myself to separate from all of this so I could see this Narcissist as the abuser they are and allow that to completely define them. With that in mind it freed up my thoughts and that set me free from the abuse and blaming myself as the source of all of the problems or the negative messages this Narcissist planted in my head.

Reasoning with a Narcissist and their chaos, crazy making, and denial is truly a lesson in futility. They are liars through and through and have perfected the game of diverting from reality. Any person that can act out in the manner that a Narcissist does or intentionally extort/harm people like these creatures do can’t have access to rational reasoning, empathy, love, or reality. If they are breathing they are lying AND abusing. Lying even in a dysfunctional personality disorder like Narcissism has a cognitive basis (ability to reason) to it so they DO know what they are doing and it is just part of their agenda. Remember that they trap their prey and that requires a plan to make their agenda work with these lies – that is THINKING and KNOWING. They ALSO lie after they discard you to avoid being exposed – again they are thinking about what they NEED to do to survive. This was situational abuse that had an agenda from the very first day we met them!

This is why they are out there with another target/victim after each and every failed relationship. They are masterful at deception to get what they want. My Narcissist would have the world believing that I am mentally ill and scorned and THAT is what motivates me to write as I do so other victims can get through this fog an at the real truth that they were abused. NOW – with the clarity and resonance of my words as well as the amazing similarity to ALL of the circumstances of this disorder, and mounds of written proof, and the collaborated stories from family, friends and co-workers it reasonably describes my ‘ex’ as a textbook Narcissist. Let them (the Narcissist) think what they think because you won’t change that because they are protecting themselves from exposure AND seriously they just don’t care. Nobody is exempt from their destructive smear campaign when they are on the run. In the end, you realize that only fools believe this Narcissist and the smear campaign and in reality the Narcissist’s world is very small. ALL that is important is your freedom from this sadistic and smothering abuse by completely separating yourself from this person. That Narcissist isn’t going to change or apologize for the destruction they imposed on you or your life. Please no/minimal contact! Greg

What really defines a Narcissist that HIDES behind a mask of morality, fortitude, goodness, and righteousness?

Image may contain: text that says 'Narcissists will wear ANY mask or create ANY façade to make themselves look like the perfect person. BUT question them or try to make them accountable in any way and they will annihilate YOU Remember WE are ONLY a useful tool or an obstacle to them and NOTHING more. From my Book- Greg Zaffuto Author From Charm imgflip. com Harm and Ev rything Else im Between with Narcissist'

What really defines a Narcissist that HIDES behind a mask of morality, fortitude, goodness, and righteousness? The Narcissist is an EXTREME and ENTITLED egomaniac – and feels so deserving of everything in life – this is the totality of their infliction and what makes them a Narcissist because nothing else matters in their world except for their every need – AND they seriously don’t care who they HARM in the process because they do NOT posses EMPATHY. We are all stepping stones that they walk on and over to get what they want. ONCE we understand this and internalize this, we must NEVER engage with them or look back at them as anything but the predatory and destructive con-artist that they really are.


From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

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https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468750462&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

They feel that they are BETTER than everybody and deserving of EVERYTHING they want in life and they will take it no matter if they harm, hurt or abuse people – or even break the law to do so and they just don’t care. They act as if they are royalty in life, and feel above and even insulted by any unworthy subjects – like YOU and I expecting his/her majesty’s affirmation or attention – we are there to serve. It is all part of the fictional novel going on in the Narcissist’s childish mind, that magnanimous work of fiction about themselves in which he/she is the star of a great masterpiece all about themselves.


Little children do the same thing in their play fantasies but THEY eventually grow up and deal in reality. The Narcissist totally IDENTIFIES with the fictional character that he/she creates in that mirror that is you and me. WE have a bit part in this show as a character (one of many) that exists to reflect the Narcissist’s greatness through our interactions with them period. They will always share how amazing they are and how they have so many friends, how their family and children love them, etc. BUT in reality, what they share are usually bits and pieces of tiny truths that are ALWAYS the direct opposite. Their immediate family eventually rejects their hideous actions or perversions that they have inflicted on them, but it is always somebody else’s fault. Everybody else picks up the slack for these creatures like raising a family, paying the bills and keeping up the real responsibilities in life. The real relationship with them is no give and all take but never care or love, it is all about serving the Narcissist – the rest is their fictional story that you believe that locked you into what you believed was a relationship. In time you realized the truth when their words and actions never backed up the façade they personally created for you.


You will fall out of grace when your eyes reflect the disdain of their lies and manipulation and you will enter a battle with them where they will destroy you for making them face the reality of who they really are. They will just run off after they have destroyed your integrity and start up a new life of abuse with someone else. Yet, deep down inside, the Narcissist is aware that their life is a sham, and they are vulnerable as far as being exposed and that is what they fear. They are always a step or ten ahead of the game and have gathered up every bit of personal information they can use against you to destroy your integrity so that your voice becomes weak and unheard when you start to speak out. Their out of control life is a constant reminder of how unstable their amazing world is AND how weak and feeble they really are! Clinically this is described as the Narcissist’s Grandiosity Gap – or it other words they are gift wrapped box that is EMPTY inside when you unwrap it.


The Narcissist can pretend to know everything, in every field of the human condition and is seamless with all of the knowledge that spills out. Again, they are all confabulations and lies that the Narcissist prevaricates to avoid the exposure of their real ignorance AND their dark world they MUST hide. Their knowledge and experience are just copycat information that has no basis of reality or is earned through realistic education, goals, hard work, relationship bonding, human compassion, real love, or anything else. AGAIN – they have no reality to back it up or empathy to understand life at any level! The Narcissist resorts to numerous prefabricated ‘imitations of life’ to support their God-like omnipotence. What goes on in the shadows is what really defines them and exists in their REAL world, and that is their vast neediness and out-of-control lifestyle that betrays all of life and love. You can take the power away from the Narcissist by removing yourself from their diabolical and delusional world and stop supplying them with your life. Start with no/minimal contact! Greg

Narcissists will accuse you of things that have no basis of reality as a DIVERSION to create an argument or a crisis that YOU must deal with. It is a chaotic and coercive tactic to throw you off base.

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Narcissists will accuse you of things that have no basis of reality as a DIVERSION to create an argument or a crisis that YOU must deal with. It is a chaotic and coercive tactic to throw you off base. Their negative energy will expand in YOUR mind because you basically respond to whatever the crisis situation is. In turn they will continue to pull you right into it to deplete your energy by making you respond to the situation or get you hyper involved and stuck in your head trying to use your normal resources to get to some cohesive conclusion where there is NONE.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists love to create, seed and cultivate their toxic and chaotic drama for the basic reason to CONTROL people! Yes, they are into drama and very dramatic because they live with so much internal chaos – even as controlled as they may seem to be. Narcissists also create drama as another distorted tool to get supply or draw all the attention to them OR also away from them when they need to avoid exposure. It is what they do with this drama because it never achieves anything good and it is used to basically divide and conquer people, divert from the truth, keep them confused, to control, and to isolate people. You can bet the Narcissist is always the go to person or at the center of all chaos and drama in EVERY situation but always comes out smelling like a rose because they are very shrewd instigators. The Narcissist I knew was very adept at this and cunning in the manner that they did it (triangulation), but be assured someone or something was being destroyed in the process! My Narcissist would always say that they were like a cat that would land on its feet and come up smelling like that rose NO MATTER WHAT. I always thought that this was very odd to hear because it described a person that knew they did some awful things to people and got away with it and felt proud of the fact that they came out of it unscathed – NOW I understand completely!

With a Narcissist life is a perpetual crisis because they are wounded so easily and life’s eternal victims so they shoot blame out anywhere they can. Everything is a perceived threat real or not – BUT they expect you to fix it NOW and on their delusional terms only. We all experience rough times but a Narcissist has a natural inclination to make the good, the bad, and everything else into an ugly and chaotic situation or everything is a crisis where they go above and beyond what would be deemed as a normal reaction. Remember this too, when they want to really play their games they will even accuse you of things that have no basis of reality to create an argument and a crisis that YOU have to deal with – sort of their chaotic and coercive diversion tactic to throw you off base. Their energy will expand in YOUR mind because you basically respond to whatever the crisis is and they will pull you into it to deplete your energy by making you respond to the situation or get you hyper involved and stuck in your head trying to use your ‘normal thought processes’ to get to some cohesive conclusion where there is NONE. Remember that YOU are OK here and again this is crazy making to throw you off center!

This is how they condition you into becoming dependent on them and usually it is through their devious manipulation, threats and negative responses from the crisis they create – and they JUST MIGHT LEAVE YOU (or whatever threat) if you don’t change your ways. So, you are conditioned to always walk on those perpetual eggs shells and accept their behavior to basically keep the peace and avoid their punishment or rage and again this is purely control. They cannot really empathize so empathy is not at the basis of any part of their interactions with people. Lies, deceit, manipulation, blaming, triangulation, conquering, and dividing people are. These actions ARE the basis of their ‘crazy making’ tactic or the real mechanics to their agenda as well as a dehumanizing ploy the Narcissist uses to manage people down. It is part of their plan to bring you down and keep you down. They will also project their own personal chaos and downfalls onto you to free themselves of the personal shame that lives inside of them. They really know how to work a situation to get attention, create chaos, blame, and dump some personal shame onto their target – this is all part of THEIR internal pathology! That is the reality of their life – they are human projection machines that have no reality except to source out their externalized needs or find supply.

Here is a big eye opener that you must truly internalize – they need you and your energy to be successful at maintaining their façade and achieving supply. They don’t want you to leave them until they want to go, so they go to great lengths to get and keep your attention until they have used you up as well as found another source of supply to replace you. Remember supply to them can be anything that gives them attention, be it negative or positive as long as it supports that façade! I use to ask my Narcissist if I was so horrid WHY NOT LEAVE – but my Narcissist kept coming back with that little bit of love bombing, more lies and fake promises because they hadn’t found a replacement yet – well many side ones but none that stuck so I was still a viable source of supply.

Like a toddler that hasn’t reached a level of emotional maturity, they consistently go from loving and supporting you to getting angry and detesting or hating you to get their needs fulfilled through their debilitating up and down chaos and tantrums but with a Narcissist there is absolutely no love or bond there JUST wants and needs and constant diaper changes. They have their many toys and the shiniest one is the one that they ‘sort of love’ for the time being until a newer toy catches their attention. Their moods and responses are inconsistent and dealing with them feels like you are walking through a field of landmines where at any moment you may step on one and it will detonate, but those emotions that bond you to them and your empathy keeps you hanging on and tiptoeing around those landmines. Well add to this the emotional and psychological abuse that manipulates and blinds your way and distorts your reality.

A Narcissist WILL try to please you, but the nice things they do always have a huge cost and a motive a motive behind them. They play the saint or martyr that keeps score, and just when you think everything is okay, BAM they get you one more time, and then once more and once more until there are so many levels of this chaos that you are lost and isolated within their debilitating pathology. Their modus operandi is to sabotage you while they look innocent. For instance, they will commit to doing something when they really don’t want to do it and then consistently bail out at the last minute. Or they’ll conveniently forget. Perhaps they’ll run late and miss an event or a timeline. Everyone has these experiences now and again, but Narcissists do this all the time and they want to turn it around and get you to feel guilty and upset about WHAT THEY ARE PURPOSELY doing to you. They will make up excuses with the most ambiguous details or justifications when it comes to accountability and then sulk and act like a victim if YOU get upset meanwhile they have betrayed you in some form or fashion that you aren’t aware of. They will conveniently lose items, forget dates, miss deadlines, ruin plans, and then become sad and withdrawn because they have tried so very hard when they have done nothing but be irresponsible, tricked you and then they blame you as not understanding, etc. This is just more of their crazy making and chaos! Add to this the outright lies, the cruel behavior, the betrayal, the raging temper and there you have it – a Narcissist that means to create chaos and crazy making to manage you down to nothingness. REMEMBER that this is all intentional and a key component to their abuse tactics.

It is important or better yet imperative to know what you are dealing with as far as this chaotic crazy maker is concerned because they are destructive psycho bullies! However, with this type of abuse AND because of the charm factor, and/or love that is also introduced into the factoring there is always the tendency to be a little blind to the possibility of the truth especially if the person is a loved one or someone very close to you. We actually end up taking the Narcissist’s behavior personally and applying credence to what they are saying, or possibly even believing that the crazy maker (abuser) in our life could change or we could help them. We also expect the crazy maker to play by the same rules with communication or apply normal etiquette as everyone else, but they don’t. Our world is a normal one, their world lacks the normality and integrity that we know and understand and is purely driven by their pathology. Crazy making Narcissists don’t play by the same rules as you and me. You’ll save yourself a lot of headaches and energy if you realize this now and stop trying to make the crazy maker REAL in your life anymore or respond to your concerns because you are talking to a brick wall that you cannot penetrate!

So, it is important to internalize that the Narcissist delivers distorted and corrupt messages that are disguised as carefully and as proportionate as that disordered and fake mask they wear that conceals their false and negative self and their destructive agenda. They are negative messages disguised in a positive message or even a gesture. This inevitably sets you up to lose ALL THE TIME! All of this adds up to feeling worthless and everything you do seems to be inappropriate or wrong! There is only ONE way to end the madness and chaos – no/minimal contact! Greg

FACT – this is not/was not a NORMAL relationship by any means – it is an attack on our world and life by a personality disordered NARCISSIST. They start their attack by using extreme CHARM to fool us into believing in them AND THEIR AGENDA, and then they start attacking our well-being after they have gained our trust and approval.

Image may contain: text that says 'Narcissists attack your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing Narcissist plays on your confusion, fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your buttons to get what they want- again this could be negative or positive or a range of "I love you" to "I hate you." Greg Zaffuto- Author From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist'

FACT – this is not/was not a NORMAL relationship by any means – it is an attack on our world and life by a personality disordered NARCISSIST. They start their attack by using extreme CHARM to fool us into believing in them AND THEIR AGENDA, and then they start attacking our well-being after they have gained our trust and approval. It is a premeditated agenda to say the least! We MUST stop making ANY excuses for them or believing in them, thinking about them, or ruminating about what happened if we are to move forward to recovery and a healthy life.


From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

No photo description available.


https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468750462&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm


Narcissists intentionally use their extreme manipulation to manage people down and WHY? To CONTROL their target’s ability to think correctly by constantly twisting and distorting their thoughts and making them feel like they (the target) have LOST control over themselves or losing it.


Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory, and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (gas-lighting). Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out to you. They also make you believe you are ‘losing it’ or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation or CONTROL that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly ‘shifts and changes’ and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!


So where did that care or ‘love’ go? Until the fact sinks in that their time with us or anybody is never a ‘relationship’, but instead more of a pathological parasite feeding off you/us — you just won’t get Malignant Narcissism. You will keep acting on the premise that the Narcissist has some feelings ‘JUST’ for you, or some sort of conscience, morals, ‘cares for’ or even loves you – and that premise couldn’t be further from the truth. It NEVER makes sense to you, so you keep blaming yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to do as if everything is always your fault. You are always wondering whether it is you, or it is YOU that has temporarily lost your ability to relate NORMALLY in your relationship, or better yet you are crazy like your Narcissist is telling you. NO, no, no, no, no, no – it is the Narcissist that is ‘that crazy one’ or clinically has the ‘personality disorder.’ Well it is classified as a personality disorder but still in all it is chaotic and crazy behavior or better yet dehumanizing, demeaning, debasing, and destructive behavior to make you think YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM.

Control is power to an abuser so whether you are attacked physically or attacked mentally with hideous, destructive and manipulating words, it is abuse from a disordered person, one that is not a fully functioning human being that lacks total empathy and love for their fellow man/womankind. You don’t intentionally CONTROL, harm, hurt, or destroy any creature on this planet for ANY REASON and these monsters do it every waking moment of their lives. Knowledge is power that gives us clarity to move forward! Greg

THIS was a desperate relationship/love that traumatized YOU and your life! Moving on with more of the truth!

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THIS was a desperate relationship/love that traumatized YOU and your life! Moving on with more of the truth!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

With emotional and psychological battering/abuse victims are entrapped by extreme manipulative and psychological persuasion over a lengthy period of time. What was the nature of our perpetrator when we met them? Did they have us at gunpoint forcing us into this psychological terrorism or did they offer us something so very familiar, normal, trustworthy and welcoming called LOVE? Yes, they manipulated us with something familiar and so believable that ANY person would fall for the fake charm and love bombing – if that doesn’t define a predator I don’t know what does! I have met very many wonderful friends from all over the world since I started writing about this abuse that I interact with daily. They are some of the strongest people I have ever encountered. There isn’t anything about them that shouts out to me that they allowed their abuse! They are full of love, empathy and high functioning individuals! Abuse is not your fault it is situational!

Well let’s go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let’s define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced and unhealthy and basically not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or they are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us – the label doesn’t matter BUT the truth and education DOES. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims. The key words that describes the whole cycle of abuse is love-bombing, devaluation, discard and I always add DESTROY! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled and that is what we have to fix – not the relationship, justify it or the Narcissist – recovery is about us!

The journey to recovery is now a process because we were unconsciously living and dealing with all the destructive messages we internalized and validated as our reality. We must seek out education about this abuse and the truth about our situation as a key to unlock the door to our recovery. Yes those messages are going to be in our head for a good while BUT we have to create a healthy balance and desensitize them. What this means is that we have to move into a place where it is possible for us to recognize that a person HAS betrayed us in a manner to control us through mental abuse. We have to think about it in terms to validate the truth of the situation, but not to try to dissect the Narcissist and put our energy into trying to get into their heads. We spent a great deal of time trying to fix or basically heal them and we gave away too much of ourselves. Turn this around and accept the truth that they are completely disordered and put that healing power back into yourself.

The recovery process is so multi-dimensional that it means that there are really no simple answers to the question “how do I stop the pain and what do I do to move forward with my recovery?” There are answers that we need to have in the beginning of our recovery but they are basically concerning the educational process and a tried and true direction so we are ‘in the know’ about this disorder and can get our ‘ah ha’ moment and move forward.

The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure – UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation. They ran off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. That would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along.

Seriously I had to shut my Narcissist down with complete no-contact or go insane listening to the craziness! It was crystal clear what I was dealing with and I shut it down completely. I would still be receiving emails and text messages to this day if I didn’t. It was like a party to this Narcissist being able to have free range ‘raging’ at me, making fun of me, telling me sick and perverted stories of their crazy sex life, and projecting every horrendous thing this Narcissist did ‘onto and into’ me. That was enough for me to actualize just how dysfunctional this person was/is. Seeing and hearing them when their mask is off is frightening and eye opening. It was like projectile lies and ‘crazy making’ being shot at me from everywhere.

It is important for all of us to be validated as it concerns this abuse but that validation has to come from ourselves because a Narcissist is NEVER going to allow themselves to be exposed as an abuser. In fact that Narcissist is STILL abusing AFTER THE FACT through a vicious smear campaign using every piece of personal information they have learned about you against you. This is just more of their devaluation and when they abandon you they mean to leave no trace of your reality in tact!

The Narcissist has manipulated and managed us down to the point of not trusting OUR own feelings and perceptions. Over the years, we internalized this twisted and distorted relationship and bent our own emotions in an effort to fix the relationship we THOUGHT we had. We can’t buy into those distortions and recover. That process is still running through our heads even though they have physically parted from our lives and we MUST shut this down. It was a horrendous roller coaster ride to keep us in a state of confusion and fear with so many ups and downs with no end to the ride and now it is time to jump off. YES, we believed it was love, but it was a desperate love that cost us a great deal – the truth is right there in those words!

As hard as it may seem for us to purge all of the abuse out of us, it CAN be done. We were normal and psychologically sound people pre-Narcissist and we can get back to what and who we once were. It does require deep introspection and setting up new and strong boundaries in our life and even taking a look at our part in any of this. There are many theories out there and they all have their purpose, but it has to begin with us. Get healthy first by breaking completely away from the emotional tie or that bond that only you formed with the lie from the Narcissist. This can be done with minimal contact as well (when there are divorce proceedings or biological children) – BUT everything that ties you to a Narcissist has to be BUSINESS only because they abuse and want to always have that control over you to drag you back in – DON’T let them.

You HAVE the ability to change if you deprogram the messages that have been imprinted on your mind but only if you ALLOW yourself to be your OWN motivator in this process. Just say ‘NO’ to the Narcissist. Remember the old drug campaign that showed an egg as describing your ‘healthy’ brain, and then it showed that same egg in a frying pan stating this is your brain on drugs (the fried egg.) Well just switch that around to the fired egg being your brain after being with a Narcissist. Please understand no/minimal contact and start of your road to recovery, it is imperative to moving on! Greg

Tricks of the Narcissists trade or baiting their victim into reacting to THEIR abuse so they can then turn it around to BLAME the victim and accuse THEM of abuse.

Image may contain: text that says 'Reactive Abuse They call YOU abusive for reacting to THEIR abuse A 'Bait and Switch' strategy narcissists and abusive people use to emotionally and psychologically abuse their victim is to say that the victim is being ABUSIVE to them. They will push a victim to the point that they WILL break down, react, and lash out at the abuser. From my Book: Greg Zaffuto -Author From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist'

Tricks of the Narcissists trade or baiting their victim into reacting to THEIR abuse so they can then turn it around to BLAME the victim and accuse THEM of abuse. Reactive Abuse from a Narcissist: A Narcissist always uses their toxic and abusive words to purposely create a negative reaction that they can turn around on their target/victim and use it against them! THEY are the abusers without a doubt but they bait us into nonsensical arguments – ones where they accuse us, maybe make fun of us, belittle us, malign us, etc. – so that WE react and then they call us the abuser!


From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in between with a Narcissist

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Again, a Narcissist will always set this TRAP for their victim – basically pushing or better yet FORCING us into a corner so that we react and even verbally reply/lash back out to protect ourselves from something so toxic and negative that they have said to us – and what they say is always horrendous and shocking. It is that very reaction from us that they are looking for and baiting us into because they want to use it against us and makes US out to be the toxic person. They will then react to our reaction with pure intent, maybe with a sigh of pure disgust, act fearful of us, state how WE have hurt them, how we overreact, shame us and even blame us for starting an argument, or whatever they can muster up to pin this on you and I!


So what goes on in the omnipotent Narcissist’s distorted version of life? DIMINISHING THEIR VICTIM and they want them to feel isolated and insecure. There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment as it concerns any other human being on this planet because people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use and abuse, play with, and discard at will – and ‘in between’ they will completely manage their victim down in any way they can. It is a very controlled mechanism in their arsenal of abuse. Normal people respect all life but a Narcissist doesn’t deem life as worthy of THEIR respect – it is there for them to use and manipulate. So, by treating others as unworthy the Narcissist is acting as if they are beneath reprieve for their actions, and we are totally insignificant, very disposable and infinitely less important than the all-important Narcissist or we DESERVE this treatment!


A Narcissist has no more regard for us than a person that steps on and squashes a poor bug that is minding its own bug-business on the ground. Basically and unequivocally we are nothing and the Narcissist is everything in their world and at all costs, even if it means total destruction of an individual OR squashing us like that poor bug! They will even step up their game by making a person feel physically unattractive by making fun of them and backing it up with FALSE testimony from friends, family, co-workers, etc., again – NONE of which is true.


Let’s take it a step further – and to another level of how they malign us through their ‘CON BOND’ with us. IF you believe in their sincerity or participate in any of their ‘poison laced conversations’ you are allowing a Narcissist to access your mind and uncover your deepest and darkest secrets and insecurities AND they will exploit them completely at a future time, but always under the guise of concern and caring to exploit those very secrets. They will even fuel a conversation to manipulate you into ‘providing’ personal information about yourself, a situation, or a familiar person to extort the knowledge and use it against you. Narcissists are backstabbers pure and simple!


What is carefully hidden under their ‘fake’ empathy is an agenda to manipulate and exploit those weaknesses and use them against you in any number of different ways. They will call upon this personal information AT ANY TIME to dehumanize you and invalidate you USING those thoughts that you genuinely trusted them with. They will take those ‘innermost thoughts and secrets’ and make themselves ‘in the know’ about your private and personal life issues with ‘others.” They will run with this information and negatively triangulate with friends, family, your boss, and co-workers with that ‘very personal’ information they have gained through sharing your private concerns with them. It is natural to vent with the person you love or trust, but NEVER with a Narcissist because they will use it against you. Give them a little bit of information and they will find out everything and anything connected to it that they can use against you – and they are very shrewd and sneaky about it – you won’t know what hit you. They are ALWAYS looking for that ‘in’ to manage a person down! Most importantly is understanding that this is not ANY type of love, caring, friendship, or relationship – it is subjugation and abuse. No/minimal contact ALWAYS. Greg

Let’s understand how a Narcissist uses GASLIGHTING all through the relationship to manage us down and control us! KNOWLEDGE is our superpower in escaping and exposing this abuse!

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Let’s understand how a Narcissist uses GASLIGHTING all through the relationship to manage us down and control us! KNOWLEDGE is our superpower in escaping and exposing this abuse!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

A real perspective (one we NEED) and some education on that term ‘Gaslighting’ and how it endangers and DAMAGES a target/victim’s reality over a long period of time. This is the very tool that a Narcissist uses to drive their target/victim straight to the point of dependence, subservience, and insanity AND it all started out with them loving you so they can essentially disable you and take what they can or use YOU.

Gaslighting’ the Narcissist’s attempt to drive you to the point of insanity. BUT, what about when they said they cared, or were such an amazing friend, a family member, or love you? Well THAT was also gaslighting too to get you too a place of trust with them – all part of the bigger picture and plan! Gaslighting – let’s really understand the trap and all it encompasses – the charm, the manipulation, brainwashing, lies, betrayal, isolation, silencing, and everything else that these psychological terrorists traumatize us with. You are CRAZY, the source of ALL of the problems, YOU are forgetful, YOU lie, YOU drive me insane, YOU stress me out, YOU are obsessed and jealous, AND all of your friends and family AGREE! But I care so much about you and THAT is why I am trying to help you!

‘Gaslighting’ is purely the Narcissist’s attempt to literally make you believe that you are going insane! This term comes from the old black/white movie ‘Gaslight’ where a husband sets out to convince his very normal wife that she is insane because he is seeking out a fortune that is hidden in the attic. He secretly removes different things from their home and tells her she did it. He intentionally isolates her from others by convincing her she has issues and needs to be home and away from other people and the public trying to drive her to complete insanity. He uses her growing distress and confusion to prove to OTHERS that she IS unstable. The movie gets its name because the wife keeps noticing the ‘gas lights’ in their home dim and flicker which he is causing from being in the attic searching for this hidden fortune (in modern times it would be like our electric lights flickering), but the husband assures her that this is purely her imagination just like she imagines so many other things reinforcing that she has ISSUES – and thus the birth of the term ‘gaslighting’ to describe this extreme manipulation.

The term ‘gaslighting’ is now used to describe the psychological and emotional abuse that destroys the target/victim’s trust in their own perceptions of reality. People who distrust their perceptions are easier to manipulate and control so the abuser (Narcissist) slowly but surely creates this manipulative and purely deceptive scenario day by day until they have weakened their target/victim and they start to believe that they are going crazy, obsessed, or just not seeing reality correctly.

The classic example of ‘gaslighting is to change or manipulate things in a person’s normal or familiar environment without their knowledge. The ‘gaslighter’ then denies the targets reality by manipulating them into believing they must be imagining things, forgetful, losing it, etc. when the target tries to challenge these perceptions that the Narcissist forces on them. For example, the perpetrator will intentionally hide your car keys, phone or any number of things to make you think you are becoming very forgetful or even ‘losing it.’

Another form of ‘gaslighting’ is to deny the existence of the REAL truth through deception or outright lies and then blaming or shaming the person into believing they have lost the use of their normal reasoning as if they are imagining things. Another form is when the perpetrator denies that they said something in the past, or forgets solid plans you made by saying they never suggested this plan or event. Another example of this form of ‘gaslighting’ occurs when a husband/wife, romantic interest, etc., has cheated. The Narcissistic husband/wife or romantic interest will vehemently deny the affair and insist they are not lying and the target is just imagining things, or jealous and making things up. THEN they will turn the argument around and insist that they are hurt over the accusations and insist that you are obsessed and just starting another argument. They (the Narcissist) is sick of it and you better change or else! You end up apologizing and basically having to accept that you have wronged them, even though your perceptions WERE real and true in every situation. Unfortunately you have been completely duped and blamed for being real with your concerns. Nothing is resolved and you are still unsure of the truth so you are only confused and move on with yet another layer of this crazy making being unresolved. Lastly the perpetrator will revert to another tactic and will insist that other people like friends, family, coworkers, etc., reinforce this too by saying that they are worried about you as well and thinking you have issues. The Narcissist will even go as far as telling friends and family that the target DOES have issues working both sides of this HUGE manipulation.

It’s important to note that most psychological and emotional abuse is not always direct and verbal as the examples above. It can be implied with sarcasm, irony, or mumblings and can be communicated with body language, rolling eyes, sighs, grimaces, tone of voice, disgusted looks, cold shoulders, slamming doors, banging things, stonewalling, silencing, cold shoulders, punishing, etc. There are a myriad of ways to be psychologically and emotionally abusive and the Narcissist employs all of them to make you believe that all of the problems are directly related to YOU!

Narcissists frequently use ‘gaslighting’ tactics. Simply put Narcissists are cruel, manipulative, conniving, and convincing liars who consistently deny their wrongdoing and basically project it onto and into you so that they can fulfill their agenda of extorting what they can from you. Are they aware of this? Well it really seems so when they lie to cover up their indiscretions and manipulate to make us think otherwise! They MUST know they have done something wrong to deny the truth. They are cognizant or thinking throughout this entire process to achieve the desired responses they want! Couple this with the fake personal charm or better yet seduction to lure you in that characterizes Narcissists. Any way you look at their actions they are duping you into believing that your perception of love with them is real, THEN they also dupe you into believing you are a horrible person, THEN duping you into believing you may have serious issues around your own mental health, and lastly duping everyone around you into believing these horrendous lies to destroy you so they can move on to yet another unsuspecting target/victim to start up the whole process AGAIN and escaping any exposure of what they are and what they have done! EVERYTHING with them is a lie to support their needs and HIDE their agenda and they constantly repeat this process with every person that they are in a relationship with. They even dupe friends into their lives to use as supporters or minions to support their facade of fake goodness.

A Narcissist means to get into your life and head, get the supply they need so desperately, and disable you at so many levels concerning your mental well-being! This corresponds with cognitive dissonance where you believe the reality that a Narcissist presents through their charm and ‘love bombing’ or the huge and FAKE façade of morality and goodness they create, but intuition and facts rear up with a direct opposite reality or the truth of what they really are. It continually keeps you in a vicious circle of belief and then doubt and constantly back and forth between these two conflicting and confusing realities. This is serious business in understanding the truth around your abuse and just how thoroughly manipulated you were throughout the entire period of time you spent with this person. From the first day they met you this horrible attack on your emotional and psychological well-being started. If this is not understood through educating yourself and left unresolved, you will accept the negative messages, blame, shame or the whole nine yards and remain traumatized for many years and unable to move forward in a healthy manner.

This is NOT something that the target/victim has conscious control over because it is purely born from the lies, manipulation, isolation, and CONTROL. Intuition does come into play but because of the highly manipulative aspect of ‘gaslighting’ it seriously confounds, distorts, and disables a person’s reality. The charm or love bombing has created a strong emotional bond of love, and this is what creates that familiar, NORMAL and real relationship that you believe in – or what we have always understood a relationship should be. We probably weren’t familiar with Narcissists or the manner that they abuse good and loving people with fake empathy and love. Subsequently when the conflict that is created by the Narcissist’s opposite virtue of pure deception enters into the relationship, it works in direct opposition to what the target/victim has bonded with or the strong emotions of love and the normal human belief system. The target/victim reaches out to regain that position of love. That love is what keeps you attached at the hip with this creature because of those strong emotions that locked you into this relationship. Remember that real love has many other components that have been born out of our life lessons or the human condition that we were all raised to believe in. Those values are strong within us and along with them came messages to work at a cohesive relationship when you feel this loving bond with another person!

Within these internal messages we grew up with is respect for the person we love, give and take, integrity, being unconditional, understanding, forgiving, etc., or again what we were raised to believe in as far as committing to a person that we love – BUT that love the Narcissist initiated was just as much a part of the ‘gaslighting’ as were all of the negative and damaging things! A Narcissist knows this and snuggles right up to those values we were raised with to get into our heads, BUT the Narcissist never abides by the same beliefs or rules that we do, AND they do not love or care about people as anything more than an object to pursue and use. What a complete and hideous form of emotional and psychological abuse this is to betray a person through one of the most beautiful emotions in life – LOVE! This seems to be more of a well-planned out agenda from a creature that knows exactly what they are doing. Know this very truth completely so that you can purge all of the negative effects of this huge betrayal from your heart and mind to stop blaming yourself and know the truth that it is not YOU with the mental issues but the Narcissist that abused you so you can start out on your journey to healing and recovery. No/minimal contact always. Greg

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