The Narcissist is intentionally distorting and debilitating your reality through extreme manipulation so that you will become isolated and dependent on them as the center of your universe. It is a tangled mess for the victim/target to discern reality from all of these mechanisms that are in place for the Narcissist to succeed at doing what they are doing – or using abusive conditioning TO GET SUPPLY!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
A Narcissist needs to project so many things at and ‘into’ their target to feel empowered and real, as well as deny their own darkness and destructive ways by transferring and dumping everything and anything toxic onto the target/victim. It is a tangled mess for the victim/target to discern reality from all of these mechanisms that are in place for the Narcissist to succeed at doing what they are doing – or using abusive conditioning TO GET SUPPLY! Remember that the victim on their part is relating to the Narcissist through the FALSE belief from the ‘con job’ that they (the Narcissist) are ‘normal’ and able to love, bond, AND capable of emotions – none of which is true in the least bit as it concerns any type of relationship with them.
At any given moment there are lies to defend their delusional un-truths, manipulation to confound and confuse you, betrayal to hurt what you believe is real, back-stabbing to undermine your integrity, triangulation to destroy your immediate circle of friends and family, love-bombing to make you believe the Narcissist is true to you, blame and shame to make you believe you are the destructive force in this relationship, WITHHOLDING to condition you to react as the Narcissist wants you to, raging to make you fearful of your existence, hate to reduce you to feeling anguish, name calling or making fun of you to steal your self-esteem, projection to make you out to be the force behind the destruction, denying you any semblance of your own reality, silencing to invalidate your individualism, punishment to make you accept their way or accept harm as a consequence, smearing to destroy your complete integrity so the Narcissist can escape exposure, AND many more avenues that a disordered Narcissist will travel to manipulate their target/victim into submission. IT IS A DESTRUCTIVE AND DEBILITATING EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE!
Psychological abuse is a process whereby the abuser conditions or manages the target/victim down through subtle to extreme CONTROL. As I outlined above there are so many tactics that a Narcissist uses to do this so that every aspect of the target/victim’s conscious world is manipulated into dealing with the abuse tactics and this diverts and warps a target/victim’s reality over time and traumatizes them. The biggest lie is the charm and love bombing the Narcissist used to trap the target into their abusive agenda. It becomes a 24/7 or full time job as it concerns the target/victim dealing with so many mind games that are thrown their way. It literally causes their world to fall apart around them and the constant chaos becomes the victims new normal.
The conditioning a Narcissist uses changes behaviors and manipulates the victim’s normal reality and transforms it into some form of fear for the target/victim. Fear is many things with emotional and psychological abuse – fear that the target/victim BELIEVES they really have mental health issues as they are told, fear of abandonment, fear of punishment, fear of loss, fear of rage, fear of destruction at the hands (or better yet the mouth) of a Narcissist, fear of being harmed, fear of isolation, fear of being punished, and fear of not being worthy of love AND life.
This conditioning process ALSO puts the target/victim into a place of trust first where they are joined at the hip with their abuser. Clinically the Narcissist ‘love bombs’ the target/victim literally to death to create this strong emotional bond so they can easily achieve their agenda to pillage, extort and destroy their target/victim’s reality, mind, and soul. It conditions the target/victim to value the Narcissist above themselves because the Narcissist successfully managed the target/victim down so they DON’T value themselves anymore and becomes dependent on the Narcissist for validation. It is a constant barrage of a combination of manipulative and negative actions as well as the LACK of positive and supportive actions. It is also punishing the victim through silencing, raging, ignoring, criticizing, and forcing them into complete compliance. The target/victim is forced to only consider what the Narcissist needs are, and the Narcissist NEVER considers a single need of the target/victim. Consider that their targets are either people they have manipulated into a relationship with extreme charm and love, or biological children of Narcissistic parents that are born into the abusive situation without ever knowing anything different than the desperate love a Narcissistic parent offers to their child.
The Narcissist disallows individualism in favor of this complete compliance, and adoration of themselves. Failure to do so will only lead to stronger attacks of anger or rage to comply or else. There is no reward for meeting the Narcissist’s needs because they will demand more and more. The target/victim is drained of their self-esteem, worth, and reality and the Narcissist will only go in for the kill with more dehumanizing, destruction and ‘smearing’ their target/victim and then abandoning them and moving on to abuse another. It is purely sadistic and dehumanizing to the victim of this abuse.
With all of this in mind is there anything that is as equally insidious as far as what this abuse does to a good, loving, caring, and moral person that lives with empathy at the core of their reality. NO and I say it again as a survivor of this abuse that has lived within this destructive lifestyle and lived with what was a battle to regain my integrity, self-worth, and life back. This is not a simple matter of going into recovery, it is like learning to walk again, seeing the goodness once more that does exist in life, learning to trust people, rebuilding yourself financially, and basically starting over after being infected by a contagious, destructive, and personality disordered Narcissist.
The Narcissist will always manage EVERYBODY down and condition us to believe that their every action/word (abuse) is a reality that we must accept because we don’t deserve any better. A Narcissist wants your reality, your goodness, and basically your life and to completely accept them as ‘perfect’ or jump ship and drown without them.
A Narcissist will use ANYTHING to convince you that you are seriously damaged. They will prey upon your weaknesses and embellish them to make you believe that you have serious issues. Alternatively, a Narcissist will even use chaotic backdoor psychology on you, or strong and FAKE religious beliefs, or a false consensus from friends, or family about your instability, even from your co-workers, etc. to justify their lies and inexcusable behaviors concerning you. For example, saying things like – ‘I pray for your healing daily,’ or ‘you have issues that you need to address with a therapist,’ or ‘my therapist agrees with me about your actions,’ or ‘my mother agrees with me and understood what I did because of the way YOU treated me’ (this concerned an affair my Narcissist had), or the basic hit and run comment ‘I am right and you are wrong’ and then just walking away! These are nothing more than tactics for deflecting responsibility and reinforcing them with ill placed and FALSE comments from other people that aren’t even involved. A Narcissist rarely, if ever, admits they are wrong unless it is to zap you with a hidden insult. For example, ‘I am sorry for thinking and believing that you were a kind, caring, loving, and generous person’- I see that I was probably wrong about you.”
A Narcissist rarely if ever takes responsibility for their hurtful actions. If you call them out on their bad behaviors, they claim it was your fault for pushing them into it (in other words, you deserved it) and you’re a bad person to make a good person like them (the Narcissist) act that way – they will even say that nobody has EVER treated them like you have. You should be ashamed of yourself! I was continually blamed for my Narcissist’s horrid and raging temper with comments that I pushed the Narcissist to act this way. No, I was a great, caring and giving person and I was not responsible for my Narcissist’s lack of control or disordered lifestyle. Everything I was accused of was only delusional and fake accusations of things I was supposedly doing that would come out of thin air to start an argumentative situation with toxic drama, silencing, and betrayal as my punishment, OR managing down to control me and make me feel constantly confused and worthless. This is their modus operandi or mode of operation. Seriously who ever coined the phrase that ‘talking to a brick wall’ must have been describing a conversation with a Narcissist.
We must remember that knowledge and education are the first steps in our recovery and VERY important ones. We also have to look deep inside of us to fix and heal the very things that ARE weaknesses that this abuser embellished and used against us. We must look at these as our issues that we need to fix within us to be as healthy as we can be when dealing with the world or better yet people. We all have insecurities and weaknesses and they do not make us a bad person or wrong but they can and will hold us back in life or even allow toxic people to get the best of us. Nobody deserves abuse for ANY reason but we must also be able to know ourselves well enough to protect ourselves too. Recovery therefore must address these very things so that we do not ever allow abuse in our life again. Lastly it is to our benefit to set up strong boundaries as well – especially around our personal life and protecting ourselves. We know what these abusive creatures can do from the experience of knowing them so we must be a wiser and stronger person through the unfortunate lesson we experienced from this abuse. Recovery is a process that not only frees us from the abuse but also allows to do a deep introspection as well as a personal inventory to be the best person we can possibly be. Also, always remember that you are an amazing person and this was situation. You deserve Light, Life and Love! No/minimal contact to stop the madness and end the abuse! Greg
Variety is the spice of life and with a Narcissist AND it could NEVER be truer. A little bit of knowledge to help understand how they do what they do without feeling ANYTHING!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
More of that TRUTH – let’s really get this! Narcissists are a big lie and they have to always look over their shoulder to make sure they aren’t caught and that guilt is what worries them – THEY DON’T WANT TO BE EXPOSED FOR WHAT THEY ARE but they are also able to dismiss who and what they are so very easily. That is the working mechanism called projection or one of those clinical terms that is repeated over and over again but important in understand this personality disorder. Obviously, they don’t care about the deceitful action they have committed because they repeat their offenses daily – BUT they don’t want to tarnish their shiny selves by being exposed either because they NEED that façade to make their game work – that is where this working mechanism or projection comes into play.
So, to start – guess who will be forced to carry the blame/shame for them – you got it – that would be YOU and I! Add to the equation that Narcissist’s are the MOST insecure and needy creatures in this world and that is why they are so self-absorbed with seeking supply wherever they can find it. A Narcissist cannot internalize emotions, feelings, caring, or love so they have to find external stimulation or objects to feel alive. They will build up a façade so completely that they will even use marriage, a family, a career position or whatever to be the fortress they will hide behind to get that adulation and admiration they crave so desperately. It also protects them from being exposed by seeming so real and genuine BUT they are hiding behind us to shore up their façade and look normal because THEY DO NOT DO NORMAL. BUT and this is big – they are never the saint that they strive and pretend to be nor the amazing person that they project to the world. You are just part of the defenses and façade to protect their image and give them FREEDOM to look normal and do as they wish and prevent them from exposure – well that and attaining supply too. Let’s just simply say they do all of this to fit in or camouflage themselves!
OK so back to the basics of positive and negative projection. By projecting positive things onto the target/victim the Narcissist is using us as a mirror so their virtuosity is “reflected” back onto and into them. It enables them to bask at their glorious image they WE reflect back to them with our love, caring, adoration, and respectful responses, etc. In turn they believe it is their reality and use it so that they can walk around with their superior attitude making them appear as saintly, virtuous, kind, having empathy, love, and the whole nine yards or very charming! SO in reality they are seeking their own approval as being worthy because they are the furthest thing from perfect or virtuous AND in reality, we are only an instrument like a mirror for them to adore themselves and that is as deep as it goes with them or satisfying their vast and empty void. This is the Narcissist’s grandiose and false image they present to the world and use to get what they want and need supply. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING REAL ABOUT THEM and once we get this we MUST move on and away from them completely or else we are only supporting their façade and basically abusing ourselves.
Now to the negative projection. It is basically the same thing in reverse. The Narcissist projects their darkness, their ugliness, perverted habits, distorted thoughts and beliefs, or the truth about just how hateful their actions and deeds are, or their whole reality onto the mirror or us (again). This time they are essentially transferring their negative reality onto us in order to make us feel and appear to be the faulty one. The reflection they get back is another version of their saintly selves as being moral and denouncing the very hateful and perverted things they act on. The Narcissist transfers ownership of their negative and faulty character flaws as belonging to us. By doing this the Narcissist is in effect using the target/victim as a dumping ground to rid THEMSELVES from blame and shame. I would be raged at and accused of having affairs, lying about something or other, told I was worthless or any other number of things – none of which were real but I couldn’t wrap my head around why this person that loved me accused me of so many CRAZY things. In one simple word – PROJECTION! That is why it is important that we understand this clinical word because it is one more piece of the puzzle that will help us achieve our own closure through knowledge/education. NO you are not crazy or defective you were made to feel this way when the Narcissist transferred their darkness onto you! It is just another form of chaos from a personality disordered person,
What is the main coefficient here? You, me and the rest of the world. Without us there is no way they can participate in life and achieve supply. They HAVE to live amongst us with a believable reality, but they can’t monitor or control their distorted needs, nor do they even see their destructive behavior or perverted lifestyle as dysfunctional because they are too damaged, in complete denial, and just don’t care. Everything you offer them, be it care or unconditional love is used and abused so they can get what they want period. Their ‘projection’ is the tool they use to HIDE the truth and make us believe. Unfortunately, that façade and mask slips because they obviously will get caught up in their lies and distortion, so they turn them right back around onto and into us as if we are abusive like them! They are very good at this projection and that is why we always end up devalued or they take us from ‘Charm to Harm!” They are also extremely efficient abusers as it concerns hiding their reality to get what they want. We have to put ourselves in a position to truly understand that what they were doing was subjugation to each and every one of us and only destructive and sadistic to US. No there is no real love or commitment as it concerns our time with them and there never will be. Once you get to this realization the pieces fall in place to help you actualize your position as an object that they only extorted and abused!
As simple as it all sounds the Narcissist’s aim is impeccable and all of us are the targets and we make their life work. Think about their attacks. Who does the Narcissist call a liar? The honest person and usually that means you and me, but who is the real liar – the Narcissist? Who does The Narcissists say is bad, dangerous and the abusive person? Well again the good person that actually cares for them and probably loves them and that is us again. They will put themselves before their own biological children and family, and that speaks so loudly about how disordered they really are! Remember though they are quite talented at what they do and they have all of this down to an art form so their talent for farce is so great that MANY people mistake the Narcissist for stoic and astute as we have all done. They are working that image for sure and making sure they do their own public relations and finding their supporters because they have to hang onto that mask for dear life. But in that definition just remember that their insecurity is so intense that they have to seek out many mirrors (people) to constantly reinforce the big facade or the big lie of what and who they are. They have no room for anything else in their lives other than keeping that façade and themselves viable and alive – but it is not plausible because they are so out of control that they always get caught up in their own game. You can only fake it for so long!
So many times we see ourselves as foolish for falling for their lies and façade. But put some thought into this, EVERYONE falls for their façade, even their minions, or the naysayers that find our stories too incredulous to believe. So, are they foolish as well for not seeing through the Narcissists façade too? A big YES. So, if we are to accept foolishness then the rest of the world must join in accepting their role as also being FOOLED by the Narcissist’s grand façade! It is OK to be foolish if you realize the truth of the situation and move forward in a new and positive direction.
A Narcissist has the mental capacity of a child with no sense of measure or moderation. So a Narcissist is more dangerous with their thoughts and mouth than an angry child throwing a tantrum because they want what they want and WHEN they want it. They will spew out some poison about someone as easily and naturally as we take a breath of air. Remember a Narcissist only loves themselves and there is NO room for anything else but seeking out people or supply to reinforce their lame façade. They have no normal human relationships because they can only relate to people as objects. As I mentioned above, a Narcissist will project off of their own children as thoughtlessly as they would anybody else that stands directly in front of them and that is just too unnatural as it concerns the human condition. Since a Narcissist is really a severely deranged child with no emotional maturity, rules or regulations, the only reign or hold on their behavior is what they feel they can get away with. So, the more The Narcissist gets away with, the more repressed guilt they have to purge onto some poor target/victim. Nobody escapes a relationship with them without some sort of damage.
This is why you eventually end up devalued and discarded. This creature doesn’t have any expertise in any realm of human relationships, the human condition, or loving anyone. It is only a matter of time that their mask slips and their boredom, true disdain and hatred for the connection they forced on you/us surfaces. Their real disconnection with people is their reality and it ALWAYS sends them off in another direction to find new people to feed their out-of-control lifestyle. WE ARE ONLY SUPPLY and they have to seek out more viable supply to get that high back because they CAN’T participate in real intimacy and let it grow and they only FAIL at it miserably, but they have convinced us that we are at fault and we internalize it as the reality of our situation. They are fighting a battle with themselves that demands putting their full attention to their false mask and fortress, and the only way to always have that strong adulation and admiration they need is VARIETY. Remember that old saying, “variety is the spice of life,” and the Narcissist lives by this.
This is not an excuse by any means because they have the same ability to turn it around in a positive fashion by making positive changes but they are happy the way they are. ALSO remember they will stay as long as you allow them to, but you will lose yourself completely! Don’t feed this Narcissist with your positive and loving energy because that is what they are after. They can’t create this on their own so they have to manipulate and extort it from us and from the rest of life. What does that make them a thief, an extortionist, or what? Well it makes them abusive to people. They don’t invite us into their lives and say that they need our help to be normal or seek our help – instead they trick us, con us, and abuse us to get what they want and then slip back out of our lives after they have gotten it and try to destroy any evidence of what they actually did. The end result from all of this horrendous betrayal is traumatization of a good person or abuse! Start your journey to recovery with the education and knowledge to truly understand that this was situational – then you will be able to start the healing process and take a deep look inside to shore up the wounds and set new and strong boundaries to be able to join life again as well as trust that there is goodness out there in the world. You have the ability to do so and will come out of this and back to a normal life as the amazing person you once were and even stronger. No/minimal contact to end this abuse! Greg
Let’s call this what it really is SLANDER – the Narcissist’s attack on our integrity with backstabbing and the SMEAR campaign. We are damned if we do or damned if we don’t respond but basically the Narcissist gets away with abusive behavior and people believe them and WE are left having to fight to get our integrity back?
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Many, if not all Narcissists completely get away with their psychological terrorism and they basically murder their targets self-esteem, mind, soul AND their integrity with their backstabbing and ‘smear campaign!’ Be it the bullying, slander, or abuse or things that should be prosecutable offenses and they do this all of their lives. So just how do they get away with it all without any consequences AND why do people believe them? WELL, first off because the Narcissist KNOWS that they are creating outrageous and dehumanizing acts against people and humanity – they also think up ways to avoid the consequences, especially because of what they fear the most – EXPOSURE of who they are and what they do! Funny how this works – they do not care in the least bit as far as how they damage people, but they make sure that NOBODY is ever wise to their actions – BUT that describes a personality disordered person – toxic, chaotic, unstable and abusive!
A couple simple approaches to understanding this craziness and chaos. A Narcissist uses targeted confusion, lies and manipulation with backstabbing and that smear campaign OR divide and conquer – this also helps divert the attention away from the Narcissist who is the culprit. SO, THE BIG PLAN – that shrewd Narcissist destroys the victim’s credibility well in advance, so they are ten steps ahead of the game by destroying the victim’s integrity well before they abandon them – it makes ‘getting away’ easier for the Narcissist. They are by far NOT geniuses, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you want to get away with something like abusing someone, you first launch an effective and destructive pre-emptive attack on their character, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when the truth finally starts emerging that they (target/victim) was abused. Here is the formula for the Narcissist to be successful at this – abuse and then accuse your target/victim of the very atrocity they (the Narcissist) has committed and BOOM you are on top of your game to escape the exposure. They have been backstabbing/smearing us behind our backs from the very first day that we met them – but we were very distracted by the CHARM and ‘love bombing’ and growing trust with this creature OR just us being a normal and empathic human being that opened up our hearts and giving our TRUST to them implicitly. Meanwhile that dark Narcissistic creature was using that information against you by ‘being in the know’ about personal situations when they needed it and building up their minions, flying monkeys or Narcissistic support soldiers.
The basic facts of life as it concerns those people that love to put themselves in the middle to judge others, or the Narcissist’s best friends and supporters or MINIONS – they are toxic and basically abusers too. BUT the bigger lesson of “damned if we do or damned if we don’t” is the culprit here too! Everybody knows that when somebody defends themselves from accusations with accusations, the majority will always believe the one who accused first. The views of the person DEFENDING themselves (the victim) are then looked at as questionable or the scorned one and retaliating as if the target/victim were caught in OR did the outrageous things that the Narcissist has alleged. This is irrational, because the initial accuser (the Narcissist) is the attacker and there is no more reason to believe one party over the other but people do! Lastly if we don’t make an attempt to stand up or defend our integrity we are guilty by the design of the disordered Narcissist’s smear campaign. No win situation for the target or victim, especially when they are already vulnerable from the ABUSE and basically a shell of a person.
So, people DO believe the Narcissist first. The more preposterous the Narcissist’s accusations, the more firmly people believe them because they got there first spreading their poisonous lies! It is like when a child comes forward with accusations of abuse, people are going to (or basically have to) believe the child to get to the truth about the allegations. Any and all preposterous accusations will always yield very strong attention to the subject matter because you just can’t walk away from such a dangerous and damaging situation without offering support because it would seem if the person listening didn’t care or lacked the empathy to help the lying Narcissist out. Just the shrewd monster acting out their destructive agenda.
The disordered Narcissist commits moral mayhem by destroying the victim’s reputation, credibility, and integrity so that nobody will believe the target/victim when they start to tell the truth. Truthfully this description of mayhem that the Narcissist uses to destroy the target/victim’s integrity is purely projection, so the Narcissist gets a bonus by dumping their demons onto us as well AND we take the blame and shame that they deserve in reality! Thus, with the Narcissist this preemptive back-stabbing and smear campaign allows the Narcissist to reduce the target/victim to such a vulnerable and helpless state that it compounds the abuse at the highest level by accusing the target/victim of being the abuser as well. Remember that the Narcissist used the ‘familiarity’ of knowing us personally to ‘be in the know’ about many of our situations and that familiarity will yield semi-valid but distorted ‘personal’ information and connections to events and other people. In other words, their smear campaign will be laced with small bits and pieces of a distorted truth that listeners can relate to. So, there you have it – the Narcissist carries out their abuse to fruition with their ‘smear campaign’ after they have discarded their victim and that gives them the protection to run off unscathed. If I had to use a word to describe what they do it would be purely ‘slander’ born out of destructive lies to harm another person. We have to remember that what they have said is ALL lies as well as consider that any so called ‘friends’ that know us AND would believe those lies without asking us is not worth our consideration yet alone our friendship. No/minimal contact to get away from this madness once and for all! Greg
The Narcissist has one main goal and that is to drain each and every person that is involved in their lives or use people as objects that serve a purpose. Once you enter into Narcissist-Ville you sign away your right to freedom or individuality, and you better be ready to become an indentured servant to the Narcissist, as well as take your emotional beatings regularly. Your lawful rights are stripped from you and you are now under the rule of a sadistic dictator and there is no way to escape their rule unscathed or undamaged.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Narcissists view the world as their playground to take what they want and they never give back. They view or better yet PORTRAY themselves as omnipotent, moralistic, religious as well as many other things that they stamp onto their worldly resume or their ‘brand’ that they put out there for ALL of us – none of which have any real connection to who and what they REALLY are – abusive and destructive predators. You could really sum it up by saying that a Narcissist feels entitled to do whatever they want, take whatever they want, and act out in whatever manner they want and they just do not care in the smallest way!
A Narcissist never looks inward in a manner to see that they have a personality disorder, or that their world is built on lies and appearances – that is merely a clinical definition for us to sort of understand them. Furthermore, they never admit to being wrong, doing anything wrong, or having wronged or destroying the many lives that they do. However, the Narcissist HAS wronged others, be it cheating, lying, manipulation, hurting them emotionally or physically, BUT a Narcissist manages to project blame on and into the targets/victims and everyone around them. They also have their minions and a new supply to support them or filter their lies through, as well as hide behind to avoid exposure. If you think about this and really actualize the truth as it concerns them then you have to understand that they are destructive and dangerous and you CAN’T be a part of their world. Narcissists malign ALL people!
In fact, the Narcissist will view him/herself as superior or above the rest of humanity. Narcissists do not see themselves as the pathological and destructive person that lives their entire life like a parasite using and taking advantage of others, objectifying people and then moving on once they have emotionally drained and damaged a person. Nor does the Narcissist see how flimsy their thin veneer of lies, and false credentials are. No instead the Narcissist will project their false image and describe themselves as a hero of sorts, a savior, or even a saint as far as it concerns humanity and their role here on earth! Well this is part of their disordered and damaged self that enables the Narcissist to live in complete denial of the damage they inflict onto people’s lives. There are no written laws, rules or regulations that a Narcissist will follow. They are in COMPLETE denial of just how disordered they really are and they just lie to get out of any sticky situation to avoid accountability! They have absolutely no notion or care as it concerns right and wrong or truth and lies. They live in a pretend world and they want us to play along or else!
The Narcissist considers him/herself above the norms of goodness and in COMPLETE denial that any of their actions borderline being outright cruel, evil toward others, and even criminal. That is the double-edged sword that they attack the world with. The truth is that their lives are all about double standards or what serves them. If it wasn’t for DOUBLE standards a Narcissist wouldn’t have ANY standards at all! A Narcissist will stand tall and preach about morality as if all cheaters should burn twice in hell, but as he/she is giving their lecture from the pulpit they are also surveying the room to find a little extra supply to have on the side. But the Narcissist is not a cheater in their mind – they are DESERVING because they are special and above reprise for their actions in life but you BETTER abide by their many rules and laws.
The real definition of a Narcissist is that of a creature that is so preoccupied and focused on their every desire, pleasure and need that it completely blinds the Narcissist from reality and self-blame – they are too busy looking for that next fix (supply) to fill that void that describes their life – basically they are addicted to it. The Narcissist re-writes reality to fit his/her delusions and with every taker AND it is like the Narcissist winning the lottery when they find a new target to extort and harm. They relish the chase and the rewards they yield from whatever scam they are presenting to a person or persons! Remember supply to them is many different things that are used by them to fit into this world – so they are everywhere and the damage they do is NOT only confined to relationships. They simply CHARM their way into lives and situations with that façade and then go after whatever it is they came for.
A Narcissist lives in such a self-contained world of fear and hate that they have to shore it up with every possible denial mechanism available to them to maintain the Frankenstein monster that they are. It must require an insurmountable amount of energy for them to maintain their disordered fortress that is built on so many layers of lies. A Narcissist most certainly doesn’t want others to use, manipulate, lie, and hurt him/her as he/she does to them. That is why there are so many rules (double standards) in their world that we must abide by. That really sounds like a Narcissist has a master plan and is very cognizant of their actions! It is the Narcissist’s pathological denial that leads them to focus only on their desires, pleasures and needs that also blinds them to their abusive nature, and protects them from self-blame. They just project it onto and into us and BAM it is magically gone from their conscious world and we take the blame and shame. AND to further drive the point home they even punish us and think we are weak because they get away with the horrendous malevolence toward the very people that love them! They don’t understand the compassion that normal people have and offer so freely – they take full advantage of it instead!
Their modus operandi or the tools of their trade are manipulative words, pathological lying, slander, back-stabbing, triangulation, and a cunning personality like that of a fox! You only have to watch the Narcissist as he/she grins at their own exploitive games that accompany their malicious actions. It reveals the reality that their behavior and intentions are as far removed from caring, loving or having any semblance of empathy. The Narcissist has one main goal and that is to drain each and every person that is involved in their lives or use people as objects that serve a purpose. Once you enter into Narcissist-ville you sign away your right to freedom or individuality, and you better be ready to become an indentured servant to the Narcissist, as well as take your emotional beatings regularly. Your lawful rights are stripped from you and you are now under the rule of a sadistic dictator and there is no way to escape their rule unscathed or undamaged. The Narcissist intends to control people through negativity, harm, and fear. This is how the Narcissist maintains their reign of control/terror and that is through emotional and psychological manipulation. It is an epic relationship with them because they start you out on this journey by loving you – or so they say to open the door to their abusive world!
Admitting faults, or taking responsibility for their harmful actions would take some degree of empathy of which they have NONE. It is virtually impossible for the Narcissist to put themselves in other people’s shoes and seeing him/herself as causing harm and destruction. Not only is the Narcissist incapable of this it also repulses them to believe they are anything less than perfect. Remember the Narcissist is omnipotent and as such is superior and always in charge of their delusional world EVEN if they have to rewrite history to meet their needs. They will never put themselves in a position where they would even consider anything negative or wrong about their own self-absorbed and tyrannical nature – this would be a weakness on their part. This superior concept that the Narcissist maintains is consistently mirrored in everything they do. We all end up failing to meet their needs so we will be dismissed by this grand dictator. Remember the Narcissist’s self-absorbed perspective defines humanity as existing only to serve his/her immediate needs and OBEY – anything else is dissension and you will be punished and dismissed.
Again, the Narcissist creates the grand illusion of a “special bond” or “love” for those whom he/she finds most useful at any given moment. This interprets as those who enhance his/her reputation, or help him/her procure a want or need, or offer him/her money, property, status, etc. For those unlucky individuals that the Narcissists fosters a relationship with it is really to isolate and target them for the time being to drain them of whatever it is that Narcissist is after, and they hoard over (isolate) the victim until they have gotten all they can get. Everyone else who sees through the Narcissist’s mask of insanity or exposes his/her lies becomes an “enemy” in the Narcissist’s eyes, and therefore a target of his/her hatred and will be devalued and destroyed!
Their life boils down to an accumulation of targets/victims, sexual partners, and whatever property gains they manage to extort. As many spouses know Narcissists will have children with them as well, and sometimes children to other spouses or partners. It is sort of like a collection of human beings for the Narcissist or better yet objects that have no emotional depth or the chance of a worthwhile life with this Narcissist as a real parent. Malignant Narcissist are so heartless and callous that they reject their own children once they devalue and discard the target/victim spouse. BUT they will portray themselves as the BETTER spouse that is a complete care giver to these children, often taking credit for things the abused spouse has done in reality.
We must remember that at the core of the Narcissist psychopathy is a mindset governed by their grandiosity, lack of empathy for others, and a grand sense of entitlement and superiority that places them above laws and morality. The Narcissist grossly overestimates their abilities and accomplishments and underestimates the complete being or individuality of their target/victim. Simply put, the Narcissist should be able to do anything they wish, however harmful and destructive, because the Narcissist is better than others. In the Narcissist’s mind, by making us a part of their wonderful life by mere association with them, he/she passes on to us this grandiosity as if they are royalty and that is our reward. It is ridiculous and repulsive that they can believe this nonsense and more akin to pompousness and arrogance. Any association with them is dangerous and traumatizing and we MUST understand this and never try to fix them, heal them, or try to get into their heads or ever return to Narcissist-Ville. No/minimal contact always! Greg
The abuse messages from a Narcissist are like an avalanche of so many confusing and debilitating thoughts that leave a target/victim feeling like there is no place to start as far as recovering – but there is once you move on and away from the chaos and allow clarity, knowledge, education, and the truth deprogram those destructive messages.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Recognizing and understanding emotional/psychological abuse is definitely where we must start. What I mean about this is simply actualizing the truth that we were abused by a personality disordered individual and this was situational. This is a necessary process of validation so we can purge out all of the negativity and feelings of worthlessness that have been forced down our throats and into our conscious and sub-conscious mind from the manipulative control and mind games of a Narcissist. We have to start by having or getting back a healthy relationship with ourselves and STOP beating ourselves up with the repetitive messages that play in our minds that somehow we were the cause of anything that would enable another person to abuse us, we were foolish, or worse yet that we deserved this abuse.
We MUST stop defining ourselves through those negative messages from our abuser and redefine ourselves with new, NORMAL, and positive messages. We have to switch our energy back into ourselves and away from the Narcissist and the abuse we experienced. We need a mental health vacation so to speak so we gain the necessary clarity to start the recovery process. This is a must and what got me to my recovery. My point here is that a strong education and knowledge of this abuse and the personality disordered Narcissist will give you that ‘ah ha’ moment where you see that this wasn’t YOU being crazy, worthless, wrong, bad, obsessed, a horrible person, or any of the negative things the Narcissist described you as. You will also understand that this abuse disabled and traumatized you emotionally and psychologically with extreme manipulation, gas lighting, and YES even brain washing. That is what slowly but surely managed you down to believe the atrocities that the Narcissist accused you of throughout this entire relationship with them and has you feeling so lost, empty, and stuck after the discard or parting from this Narcissist. This abuse can only be described as sadistic and from a severely disordered person that MEANT to inflict this harm onto you.
I can probably recite verbatim how you spend so many of your days feeling so alone and confused about your situation. Days that you probably feel like you just wanted to lay down on the couch and hide from the world. You probably feel such an overwhelming tidal wave of negative emotions flushing through you. These emotions are real because you BELIEVED this was love but what is at the root of this is the psychological abuse that managed you down to feel so worthless now and it is all so conflicting in your head! It is a mix of emotional withdrawal from the relationship ending so abruptly as well as the overwhelming confusion as to why this happened and all the hate that is surrounding you from your abuser. There are no answers at your fingertips just this overwhelming sense of doom. Even though you know you were fighting an uphill battle every day you were with this Narcissist it may still seem very real to you. This all has to be put into the correct perspective so you realize that even though your love was real (to you) it wasn’t real to the person that purposely abused and extorted your love as well as put you into this place that disabled you.
You feel worthless, physically unattractive, anxious, and depression sneaks its way into the equation and you just want to find a way to end all of the pain. Your first thoughts are to contact your Narcissist, but you are guarded and even scheming about how you can make contact without seeming interested JUST TO GET A SMALL CHANCE at some sort of connection and even a reconciliation or SOMETHING to ease this pain. This is just all of your distorted realities that you have become accustomed to from being a prisoner of this abuse with your tormentor, but THIS time it is different because this is the BIG discard. But what sits in the back of your mind is that you have felt like you have been discarded many times before and is it any different this time? Your mind is still locked up in the confusion you only knew throughout your relationship with them. But then the realization sets in that they are off and into another person (supply) and that eats at your soul.
All of this keeps you running in a circle and you are jumping from one distortion to another and never accomplishing anything but adding more to your own grief and more and more levels of confusion to an already confused state of mind. It is exhausting and it feels like there is no way out. You even feel fearful of life in general and lacking a general consciousness of the reality around you. There doesn’t seem to be any relief and you almost feel like you are completely losing your mind and headed straight toward a mental breakdown or even insanity. It is just TOO OVERWHELMING. This is why you have to move on and away from these thoughts and that Narcissist completely. It is your survival and your life at stake now. This is so different from any other breakup you may have experienced in the past (with a normal person) and THAT is the emotional and psychological damage that has been inflicted on you by this Narcissist!
Everything is one huge confusing blur. It is like someone has wrapped you up in layer upon layer of darkness, fear, angst, confusion, depression, anxiety, pain, sleeplessness and everything you have never experienced before. You feel like you are completely disabled. You are forgetful and just don’t seem to care. ALL OF THIS IS TRAUMA from being abused. You probably don’t sleep well and if you do you have nightmares. How do you fix this? How do you get them out of your mind? How do you move forward? Who do you turn to? People listen but they don’t see the severity of the situation! You are reaching out to a world that doesn’t understand how debilitating this abuse is because they don’t see a black and blue mark on your body or a broken arm but the truth is that you are so lost in all of this wondering who you can turn to for HELP! You have been injured but the scars are on the inside where nobody can see them so your abuse is INVISIBLE to everyone but yourself. So is it real or what the heck is going on. IT IS REAL – enough said!
This realization is the MOST DIFFICULT aspect because you must accept what happened and that is so painful because you must internalize this knowledge and act upon it. Here is the thing the real knowledge that they are a Narcissist is basically new to you even though you have suspected that there is something terribly wrong with them. What is new is that you now realize that there is a name to this and you have been abused by a Narcissist and NONE of this is your fault.
The process of recovery is even new and foreign as far as it concerns the help that is available. Our stories are incredulous and people don’t seem to want to hear them, believe them or help us more than a pat on the back. This creature is probably in a new relationship and flaunting it in your face. You are finding out that your good name and integrity has been smeared to the very people that mean the most to you AND GUESS WHAT – some even believe the lying Narcissist because he/she has so much knowledge of your personal world and is now using it against you. THIS NARCISISST IS SAYING THAT YOU ABUSED THEM. You feel like everywhere you turn there is more and more damage, and more and more things you don’t understand BUT YOU WILL.
Could someone be this dark or even evil every minute of every day you spent with them and this was really abuse and using you as supply? Yes, yes, yes and a big resounding YES TO THIS! You feel foolish and even stupid as if you were just that dumb. It is like a snowball that turns into an avalanche and it buries you because it is abuse at so many levels that digging out seems to be an impossible feat. I hated saying the word ABUSE or feeling I was a VICTIM because it described me as being weak. BUT I am here to tell you and now shout it out that I was a target/victim of abuse and it was internalizing this that was my turning point and realizing just how pathetic and perverted this person is to live in this manner, so much so that human life means NOTHING to them. I was not weak but instead I was strong to internalize the truth and move forward with it to recover and so are YOU!
It isn’t just about the emotional attachment (love), now it is about accepting that you loved a monster. Somehow that just doesn’t fix/end the emotional attachment that you built up over time that you thought was real, nor does it help you understand this about face rejection and the hate that is now being spewed out at you. How do you legitimately acknowledge this to yourself, yet alone to the world so that you can find support to get past this? You are frozen in this cycle of abuse and this is exactly where that Narcissist wants you to be or vulnerable so they can escape from the exposure of what they are.
WHY – because they are delusional, toxic, and abusive to ALL people in their world. This works for them because they just don’t care and they lack the internal mechanisms to do so. You only have to ask yourself if you would ever act out against people that love you – even your family, biological children – anyone for that matter. Your answer is NO and the reason why – because you are normal, you love unconditionally and you have empathy. This is totally out of your realm of normality and acceptance.
You will never be able to completely wrap your head around this as in understanding a Narcissist because your empathy will not allow you to EVER acknowledge this, BUT you MUST internalize this to move you to a higher plane. You were always in question of the reality of this relationship but unfortunately the psychological aspect of their abuse brain-washed you to love them and from there you only plugged in the natural aspects of loving another person in a real way and always trying harder – BUT, the ugly truth has finally reared its face as it concerns your relationship with a Narcissist. Education will reinforce what has happened to you and allow you to see that you were not the cause of this abuse. This is a learning process that is laced with emotional anguish and pain but we have to achieve closure and the only way to do so is to reject this Narcissist so completely to allow the truth to repair everything that has been broken in you.
When we seek out the knowledge as well as the support of other victims and survivors that is when we understand that we are not ALONE in what we experienced OR what we are feeling AND there is help out there. The education and knowledge will give you perspective enough to help offset the vast confusion and disabling effects of the abuse and give you a new direction, truth/validation, understanding that you are OK, that you CAN move forward, that there is a name to this as well other people that HAVE experienced this and recovered. The further you walk forward into this knowledge the more you will learn about recovery, who to reach out to, the support systems available, solutions, answers and so much more! YOU are amazing, YOU are strong, and YOU can and will recover from this when you empower yourself with the knowledge that will lead you to the truth of your situation and closure. This is a personal journey and a process that you must commit to because what is at stake is your life, well-being, happiness, and a healthy future where you can and will return to the world again. No/minimum contact to start on your journey! Greg
The truth is that this has ALWAYS been a desperate relationship where you were always feeling vulnerable, worthless, hated, constantly explaining yourself, silenced, punished, invisible, and traumatized. What is it that you are actually doing wrong? Nothing! So WHY do you keep returning then?
Do some of these behaviors seem to be familiar or similar to what you experienced after one of the many fights or breakups with your Narcissist or perhaps after the discard? You check the phone constantly, believing you missed a call from them or thinking perhaps that you have lost your signal. You seem to sit and wait and wait for their call, text or some form of communication. Because of the lack of response from your Narcissist (perhaps ANOTHER argument) you are hoping most every day that you will get that call or a text saying how he/she is SO sorry, and that they love you, want you back and blah, blah, blah! You have gotten this exact call many times before and it only amounts to the whole cycle starting over again, but there is never a REAL resolution. Seriously think about how many times you have repeated this same process with the fights, raging, silencing, and the Narcissist’s disappearance for days! You are used to feeling this horrible depravation and you only want to fix everything so you feel better again – BUT WHY DO YOU DO THIS and repeat this pattern so often only to end up back to the exact same place each and every time?
Sometimes it feels like you are an addict that is going through a terrible detox! You are always wanting that fix to end the pain you are feeling, but what does it really amount to – more abuse? The havoc the Narcissist creates leaves you feeling so twisted and your thoughts become so distorted that you just want this horrific pain and silence to end. Have you asked yourself what you are actually missing? Is it the torture, or the indifference, the blame, or the pain that you are constantly feeling because of all of the crazy making and dysfunction? Is it the lies OR knowing that he/she is constantly on the prowl and you don’t want to have to deal with those horrible images all of the time? SO, WHAT ARE YOU MISSING? Can you answer this in a realistic manner? Or do you just reason this out and only justify it all so that you can get to that quick fix to avoid the horrific pain you are feeling, knowing all too well that you have repeated this process more times than you wish to remember? Seriously you become dysfunctional in your beliefs when you accept this distorted submission from them and compromise your healthy reality and allow your life to be slowly erased by this creature! It is the furthest thing from healthy because it just always keeps you revolving in this cycle of abuse. This is what the Narcissist wants! This is why they act out in the manner that they do and that is to completely manage you down and control you through extreme psychological manipulation or better yet terrorism. They have been doing this slowly but surely from the very first day they met us. It is their modus operandi or mode of operation!
On the flip side of the coin do you ever feel that you really don’t want them to contact you, but you still want the fix, but AGAIN why and at what cost to you because you ALWAYS end up back in this same exact place of total despair! The fix is only a temporary bandage to stop you from feeling the pain of the wound they constantly inflict on you with the devaluation. Coming back as they do is just their method of controlling you to keep you in the cycle of abuse. He/she loves me, he/she loves me not, he/she loves me, and he/she loves me NOT, NOT, NOT. Really, he/she loves you NOT but you will stay within this unending loop of dysfunction and second guessing for eternity if you don’t jump out of it and realize the truth.
So many targets/victims go through this. Constantly checking the phone for messages and wanting to hear from him/her as well as NOT wanting to hear from him/her at the same time. You keep trying to get that “fix” but knowing that it will do nothing but tear open a new wound that you will never be able to heal as well as trying to fix this dead-end relationship ONE MORE TIME. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I am not suggesting you/we are insane, just trying to bring the point home. We struggle to hold on and we struggle to let go. It’s very hard to convince the heart what the mind already knows. Like an addiction, you must separate yourself from the very thing that you are addicted to that is in reality harming you. Are you always tempted, YES, YES AND YES! Maybe you can just resist the temptation to reach out to them, but you always struggle with not responding to him/her when THEY initiate the contact, and they usually do at some point. It’s in their nature and part of their disorder to keep you hanging on – but this is a choice only you can make to stop the madness this time.
When we allow the Narcissist to have communication with us just what is the cost as it concerns us? They never apologize, so we accept the blame from whatever chaos they initiated to create another argument. We have to because there is no other option as we have been conditioned into believing AND we accept it in the hopes of fixing the relationship. They may make you believe that they are offering an apology but that is just to pull you back into the abuse because they are not done with you yet BUT be assured that we ALL have an expiration date with them. What was actually going on when you were left in silence after the last argument? Were they visiting their mother perhaps (like they may say they were) or were they visiting extra or new supply (the very truth in my situation)! If you were to try to reconcile whatever the event was that led to another argument or the silencing/separation, there is never any resolution and you are always left feeling like you are the bad person, jealous, or crazy AND nothing is ever resolved. You are blamed for pushing them away perhaps when you didn’t even start the argument because it just came out of nowhere! Perhaps you were accused of something you NEVER did – I was always accused of something and that was just the Narcissist projecting. This happens so many times that there is just layer upon layer of this same behavior buried deep inside of you and unreconciled but you keep going back. One day they WILL totally discard you and the reality that THEY were doing everything you suspected is now the truth standing right in front of you. Why didn’t we just follow our intuitions? Their constant making up with us was just a form of manipulation, brainwashing, AND torture to create more of their dysfunctional chaos to manage us down completely and keeping us dependent on them AND again until they were done with us.
It is VERY painful to continue in a relationship with a Narcissist, but it feels excruciatingly painful to completely let go and to be without them. A relationship with a Narcissist is filled with OVERWHELMING emotions and very little reality as it concerns having a viable loving relationship or a bond with them! Your life only coincides with their ever-changing chaos and every single day is having to react to some new chaos, justifying their behavior and lies, bending your emotions the wrong way, and moving forward with NO RESOLUTION. With a Narcissist, you are very elated with the highs but the MANY lows always devastate you COMPLETELY. The emotions are so very strong both ways (the good and the bad). Due to this, the relationship with a Narcissist is never boring but NEVER straightforward or REAL but very disabling and destructive. It is more sadistic in nature with the CONSTANT ups and downs as well as exhausting, debilitating, and traumatizing. This relationship is slowly but surely erasing your life away from you.
It is all a big diversion to keep you confused and to control you – this is what abuse is. It is easy to get this addicted feeling (or obsession pattern) especially after the devastating and heart-breaking low or when the Narcissist has abandoned you both emotionally and physically or has been misbehaving (cheating or any number of things.) Consequently, when the Narcissist returns to you the high feels so euphoric and BAM the pain is gone. Everything is back to normal again because the Narcissist is behaving so well, he/she reinstates how much he/she loves you and can’t live without you and wants to be with you forever! It seems like an opportunity once again to fix this and get back to that feeling you once shared in the beginning or from the love bombing. THIS has become your normal?? Yes, that is the normal that you have been managed down to accept by allowing this cycle to continue – MORE ABUSE!
Sometimes during the devaluation stage the Narcissist just returns to hurt you even more and somehow that still satisfies us as a fix and we stay engaged instead of initiating no contact. It deteriorates to such a level that any contact becomes a small glimmer of hope when there is none! What exactly should we change about ourselves? MAYBE more willingness to accept the lies, betrayal, manipulation and psychological abuse? NO, what we need to change is our proximity with this Narcissist by moving on and totally away from them. You are an amazing human being that deserves the same beautiful love that you offer unconditionally not abuse from this creature that envies love and life. YOU discard them from your heart, mind and soul forever! My Narcissist would ALWAYS say “I told you I would leave if you didn’t change!” Guess what – I didn’t change – because I FINALLY saw the truth standing right in front of me and that was the best thing I could have hoped for. I kept praying for a miracle and I got that miracle with my Narcissist leaving once again and I accepted that truth and shut the door forever! No/minimal contact! Greg
Chaos, crazy making, and drama – a Narcissist’s recipe to always bake up drama to divide, conquer, and control the world!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Narcissists love to create, seed and cultivate their toxic and chaotic drama for the basic reason of CONTROL! Yes, they are into drama and very dramatic because they live in and with so much internal chaos – even as controlled as they may seem to be. Narcissists also create drama as another distorted tool to get supply or draw all of the attention to themselves or also away from them when they need to avoid exposure. It is what they do with this drama because it never achieves anything good and it is used to basically divide and conquer people and keep them confused or to control AND to isolate them. You can bet the Narcissist is always the go to person or at the center of all chaos and drama but comes out smelling like a rose. The Narcissist I knew was very adept at this and cunning in the manner that they did it (triangulation), but be assured someone or something was being completely destroyed in the process! My Narcissist would always say that they were like a cat that would land on its feet and also come up smelling like that rose. I always thought that this was very odd to hear because it described a person that knew they did some awful things to people and got away with it and felt proud of the fact that they came out of it unscathed.
With a Narcissist life is a perpetual crisis because they are wounded so easily and life’s eternal victims. Everything is a perceived threat real or not – BUT they expect you to fix it NOW and on their delusional terms only. We all experience rough times but a Narcissist has a natural inclination to make the good and bad into an ugly and chaotic situation or everything is a crisis situation where they go above and beyond what would be deemed as a normal reaction. Remember this too, when they want to really play their games they will even accuse you of things that have no basis of reality to create an argument and a crisis that YOU have to deal with – sort of their chaotic diversion tactic to throw you off base. Their energy will expand in YOUR mind because you basically respond to whatever the crisis situation is and they will pull you into it to deplete your energy by making you respond to the situation or get you hyper involved and stuck in your head trying to use your normal resources to get to some cohesive conclusion where there is NONE.
This is how they condition you into becoming dependent on them and usually it is through their devious manipulation, threats and negative responses from the crisis they create – and they JUST MIGHT LEAVE YOU (or whatever threat) if you don’t change your ways. So, you are conditioned to always walk on those perpetual eggs shells and accept their behavior to basically keep the peace and avoid their punishment or rage or again control. They cannot really empathize so empathy is not at the basis of any part of their interactions with people. Lies, deceit, manipulation, blaming, triangulation, conquering, and dividing people are. These actions ARE the basis of their ‘crazy making’ tactic or the real mechanics to their agenda as well as a dehumanizing ploy the Narcissist uses to manage people down. It is part of their plan to bring you down and keep you down or again CONTROL. They will also project their own personal chaos and downfalls onto you to free themselves of the shame that lives in them. They really know how to work a situation to get attention, create chaos, blame, and dump some personal shame onto their target! That is the reality of their life – they are human projection machines that have no reality except to source out their externalized needs or find supply.
Here is a big eye opener that you must truly internalize – they need you and your energy to be successful at maintaining their façade and achieving supply. They don’t want you to leave them until they want to go, so they go to great lengths to get and keep your attention until they have used you up as well as found another source of supply to replace you. Remember supply to them can be anything that gives them attention negative or positive so long as it supports that façade! I used to ask my Narcissist if I was so horrid WHY NOT LEAVE – but my Narcissist kept coming back with that little bit of love bombing, more lies and fake promises because they hadn’t found a replacement yet (well many side ones but none that stuck).
Like a toddler that hasn’t reached a level of emotional maturity, they consistently go from loving and supporting you to getting angry and detesting or hating you to get their needs fulfilled through their debilitating up and down chaos and tantrums but there is absolutely no love or bond there. They have their many toys and the shiniest one is the one that they sort of love for the time being until a newer toy catches their attention. Their moods and responses are inconsistent and dealing with them feels like you are walking through a field of landmines where at any moment you may step on one and it will detonate, but those emotions that bond you to them and your empathy keeps you hanging on. Well add to this the psychological abuse that manipulates and blinds your way and distorts your reality.
A Narcissist WILL try to please you, but the nice things they do always have a huge cost and a motive. They play the saint or martyr that keeps score, and just when you think everything is okay, BAM they get you one more time, and then one more and one more until there are so many levels of this chaos that you are lost/isolated within their debilitating pathology. Their modus operandi is to sabotage you while they look innocent. For instance, they will commit to doing something when they really don’t want to do it and then consistently bail out at the last minute. Or they’ll conveniently forget. Perhaps they’ll run late and miss an event or a timeline. Everyone has these experiences now and again, but Narcissists do this all the time and they want to turn it around and get you to feel guilty and upset about WHAT THEY ARE PURPOSELY doing to you. They will make up excuses with the most ambiguous details or justifications when it comes to accountability and then sulk and act like a victim if you get upset meanwhile they have betrayed you in some form or fashion that you aren’t aware of. They will conveniently lose items, forget dates, miss deadlines, ruin plans, and then become sad and withdrawn because they have tried so very hard when they have done nothing but be irresponsible, tricked you and then they blame you as not understanding, etc. This is just more of their crazy making and chaos! Add to this the outright lies, the cruel behavior, the betrayal, the raging temper and there you have it – a Narcissist that means to create chaos and crazy making to manage you down to nothingness.
It is important or better yet imperative to know what you are dealing with as far as this chaotic crazy maker is concerned because they are destructive psycho bullies! However, with this type of abuse AND because of the charm factor, and/or love that is also introduced into the factoring there is always the tendency to be a little blind to the possibility of the truth especially if the person is a loved one or someone very close to you. We actually end up taking that person’s behavior personally and applying credence to what they are saying, or possibly even believing that the crazy maker (abuser) in our life could change or we could help them. We also expect the crazy maker to play by the same rules with communication or apply normal etiquette as everyone else, but they don’t. Our world is a normal one, their world lacks the normality and integrity that we know and understand and is purely driven by their pathology. Crazy making Narcissists don’t play by the same rules as you and I. You’ll save yourself a lot of headaches and energy if you realize this now and stop trying to make the crazy maker in your life respond to your concerns because you are talking to a brick wall that you cannot penetrate!
So, it is important to internalize that the Narcissist delivers messages that are disguised as carefully and as proportionate as that disordered and fake mask they wear that conceals their false and negative self and their destructive agenda. They are negative messages disguised in a positive message or even a gesture. This inevitably sets you up to lose ALL THE TIME! All of this adds up to feeling a sense of worthlessness and everything you do seems to be inappropriate or wrong! There is only ONE way to end the madness and chaos – no/minimal contact! Greg
The Narcissist’s agenda to harvest supply (people) – Idealize, con, extort, devalue, discard AND repeat again – but NEVER a real relationship, a bond, or LOVE! A Narcissist processes ALL people into objects or sources of supply!
Each step of this abuse makes sense once you grasp and embrace the profile of a Narcissist and how they cycle their targets into their agenda. Biologically they are a human being, but they live for the pleasure of controlling and harming others to get what they want. This is a fact however we want to describe it clinically or otherwise because they cannot internalize emotions, feelings, care, love or ANTHING because they just don’t bond with people at all – they use and abuse them! So Narcissists have to get their ‘kicks’ or their fix of Narcissistic happiness through externalization or through objectifying people and TAKING what they want, when they want it, and moving on to the next shiny object that they are attracted to. Understanding what they are and accepting it as reality doesn’t mean that we are heartless or have ANY lack of empathy for a human being that has a personality disorder – it just means that they ARE WHAT THEY ARE and they will cause a vast amount of emotional and psychological destruction to everyone and anyone that has any type of relationship with them. THAT has to be our focus so we move on and away from them because we cannot fix or heal them. We can’t dismiss the destructive nature of a Narcissist. So here is what it is all about!
The steps of a toxic relationship with a Narcissist or how they take us from CHARM to HARM:
IDEALIZE – this is like the honey moon phase with the Narcissist but in reality it is not YOU that is being ‘idealized’ but instead whatever the Narcissist wanted from you and only for however long he/she wants it – WE ARE JUST AN OBJECT TO THEM and nothing more. They CHARM us with amazing and personal articulation and that is the vehicle that drives us to believe in the Narcissist, even trust them and unfortunately love them. Narcissists do an assessment of their romantic partners (their next victim) — during this assessment phase the Narcissist interacts very closely with their targets to see what makes them tick. They ask intimate questions, to discover our unfulfilled needs and weaknesses. They will also lure their targets with promises to offer them whatever has been missing from their lives. If you’re recovering from a recent break up or divorce, they offer you friendship and an exciting new romantic relationship. Whatever superficial bond they can create to completely win you over and gain your trust.
DEVALUE – once the Narcissist has manipulated you into their lair of lies and deceit, they manage their victim down into the depths of their pathology. Like a malignancy entering into their victim’s body they attack and erode their self-esteem, individuality and basically erase your personality. They will also demean, debase and destroy your spirit and extract whatever they want, need and desire or take complete control of your life. THEN the boredom sets in and the Narcissist loses interest and they need more and newer supply like a drug addict that needs their drug of choice. Their life is lived in an ‘out-of-control’ manner where they are seeking out whomever or whatever they can to sustain their addiction and ‘high’, but always maintaining that steady source of supply from us AND again that extra supply on the side. What we believe in, that is so personal and intimate to us is nothing more than our turn with the Narcissist as supply.
DISCARD – after the Narcissist has gotten everything he/she wanted from you and has probably secured other new targets for supply, they move on without a care. We were ONLY a COMPONENT in what was an agenda of a disordered Narcissist seeking out to extort supply from us and anybody else. This is just day to day business with a Narcissist seeking out or better yet exploiting and extorting people and life. People are expendable and interchangeable to them BUT people are a resource the Narcissist NEEDS to survive and we are replaced quite readily. Unfortunately, we BELIEVED in them and are left with this to sort out as well as the trauma from the abuse.
For any victim/target, this process is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you so much time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem, your career or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to this relationship. It may have become your entire life, even having a family with a Narcissist. For the Narcissist however, the whole process isn’t really personal AT ALL but instead a function! The Narcissist WILL do the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him/her into their intimate life. We are all reduced to and considered OBJECTS and possible supply. Life is a department store where the Narcissist shops for the SPECIFIC supply they desire – but they would be more aptly described as “shoplifters” because they feel completely entitled to take whatever they desire AND when they desire it! We were NEVER alone in this relations or exclusive.
Remember this if you can remember anything – they will consistently repeat this cycle of abuse with everyone they seduce into their lair of manipulation, lies, and betrayal. It’s not about you or me, and it is not about the other people involved who are new/extra supply, the many partners they were with sexually, the minions the Narcissist employ in their game and set against you, or the many ‘others” the Narcissist used to make you compete and/or jealous – all of this is supply to validate the Narcissist’s ego, to give him/her pleasure, to meet his/her fickle needs. All of this abuse was about a creature harvesting people to get at the supply the need. They are life’s most hideous extortionists because they steal away people’s individuality, goodness, worth, dignity, respect, and love. No one particular source of supply means anything more or less than any other source of supply. Remember they don’t know love so when they loosely throw that word around it means nothing more than any other lie that the Narcissist uses to manipulate people.
Remember the Narcissist was never with new/extra supply because they are/were better or superior to you. The Narcissist was with them for the same reason that he/she was with you or me – to extort and use them, perhaps for different purposes than the Narcissist used you, but with the same devastating effect – abuse. The Narcissist will invariably treat others in a very similar way to how he/she treated you. Idealize, devalue and discard is the Narcissist utilizing and processing its target/victim into what we believe is a ‘relationship’ to secure or harvest supply – then move on to the next. It was/ is and will always be only about the Narcissist’s need to extort people and life. Our abuse is the direct outcome of the Narcissist processing us (idealize, devalue and discard). They win us over with their pathological seduction to control us and USE US to satisfy all their needs for as long as you stay with the Narcissist. WE ARE ALL SUPPLY AND TEMPORARY – or we ALL have an expiration date.
So WHY does a Narcissist idealize their targets in the first place. Why do they invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship, given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? Well this is what makes up the components of the abuse as well as defines them as predators, extortionists and the abusers they are OR the big ‘con’ to fit in and seem like they are just like us.
The obvious response would be that they do it for security or constant and ‘longer term supply.” Perhaps they do it because they can’t get close enough to people to secure supply with their TRUE psychopathic nature – SO IT IS A NEEDED PART of the big con job by concentrating their energy on ONE PRIMARY SOURCE and hopefully locking them in long term to always have a steady source around. It is the psychopathy that goes hand in hand with their personality disorder – and it is how they are wired! Whenever a Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because he/she wants something from that person and THEY WILL EXTORT IT OUT OF THEM!
All of this depends upon what the Narcissist wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him/her. If the Narcissist wants some sort of semblance of order OR respectability, a façade or diversion behind which he/she can hide his/her perverse nature and appear harmless and normal, he/she may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. If all he/she wants is to have some fun, it will be over within a short period of time, maybe even a couple of hours. If the Narcissist wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he/she may stay with you for as long as you excite him/her. Despite the differences in length of time or timeline that the Narcissist remains with ANY supply, what will remain constant is that eventually, you’ll be discarded as soon as you no longer serve his/her needs.
The CLINICAL research does confirm that Narcissists suffer from a lack of empathy as well as the EMOTIONS that would be directly related to somebody that HAD empathy (you and I), so that makes their emotions and bonding superficial, at best. When they want something or someone they pursue that goal with all their might. You are a means to an end or a SOURCE of SUPPLY to feed their many needs. You were never idealized for YOURSELF, but for something else you had that they wanted – supply. But when their goal is actually you/us – then their pursuit feels very REAL because we are being SEDUCED and conned. They will even get married to pull us into this huge con or big lie and that gives them a lifeline to you/us legally and emotionally for their constant chaos and crazy making. It is still operative abuse and they are very aware of what they do and will lie to protect themselves. Awareness is a big coefficient and so important to actualize here because that shouts out the very truth that they have the ability to understand that what they do is horrendous and wrong, BUT yet they will not change or admit to their disorder because it serves them. Unfortunately, they will always take the victim down and completely destroy their integrity so the Narcissist can avoid exposure.
Narcissists will create many theatric roles to cover every possible range to get supply. My point here is that they can also be highly “respectable individuals” in any facet of life like a therapist, judge, law enforcement personnel, a doctor, preacher, or just about anything. They will most assuredly use ANY power and authority they have to create intimidation, distance, admiration, respect and even abuse. They are just everywhere because their ‘false mask and persona’ is what we see first and not the personality disorder. This is what makes it so hard to discover the reality of just how disordered they are especially at first glance. A Narcissist will actually believe they are the persona or character they are displaying and they morph right into it. They are just that good at mimicking life and situations to create any scenario to harvest what they need to extort from life and people. This is very scary because most people just don’t see this and get taken in and destroyed.
Temporarily we do represent that ‘OBJECT’ of their MANY desires, the answer to their needs (for now), the love of their life and the key to their happiness. Remember they can’t do any of this on their own because of their psychopathic nature and lack of all empathy so they play pretend in such a pathological manner that it can be impossible to see until it is too late. But this feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s empty to the core, they are COMPLETELY empty and just a big needy void. Add to this that they are addicts and supply is their drug so they are always off and looking for the next fix! All of this pretty much fuels their out-of-control lifestyle. Remember, once the Narcissist feels they have you in their grasp and once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on them, they GET BORED with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. We are THEIR supply in this psychopathic manipulation, and they are NOT going to be ‘our’ supply or give anything to us in return – this is a one-way street. So inevitably they are going to move on when we try to make this “relationship” real in a manner that we are a VIABLE part of it and have needs AND they will destroy our integrity to avoid exposure of the truth of who and what they are. They are not in a relationship that grows in a normal manner – instead they are in a delusional and contractual agreement with every other human being that unequivocally states we will SUPPLY the Narcissist with EVERYTHING they desire until they are done with US. No/minimal contact to stop the chaos and the abuse! You deserve respect, dignity and love because you are an amazing human being – NEVER forget this or let it get lost in the destructive messages the Narcissist has planted in your mind and heart! Discard them completely from your life, mind, and heart. Greg
Ending a relationship with a Narcissist is not like walking away from a normal relationship with a broken heart – you are walking away with a confused, lost, and broken SELF. The vicious cycle of this abuse is really a manipulative trap that keeps you running in circles until it completely disables your reality, erases your personality, and then it ends and your abuser destroys YOUR integrity so they can move on to start this cycle up AGAIN with some new and unsuspecting person.
We constantly struggled with the vision of that special love in the back of our mind (the one that we were CONNED into believing) to make the relationship work and making and keeping our Narcissist happy by working harder at the relationship. We were even asked or more like demanded by threats to do things differently or do what this Narcissist wants but it only led to more demands and made us sink deeper and deeper into this distorted and desperate love. From time to time we were even offered that little ‘glimmer of hope’ and an “I love you so much,” to achieve a cohesive peace but again it was not real at all and the Narcissist cashed in on their agenda once again! But despite our intuition or the deep-rooted sense that something was totally wrong with this relationship it felt familiar or similar to love because it started out that way and that is what we held onto to alleviate the struggles and pain. We began to feel increasingly unhappy because we were never getting our needs met as well as totally confused, lost, and always hurting. The struggle to get this person to love and accept you/us was not working so you/we employed all kinds of tactics to try harder but to no avail. It is the vicious cycle of this abuse or the trap that keeps you running in circles until it ends and that end is always devastating and destructive because of the psychological damage that the Narcissist inflicted that kept this toxic relationship in motion like a toy ‘Yo Yo’ on a string being forced up and down and guess who has their finger in the loop of that string – The Narcissist!
While you keep trying to hang on to this relationship you are only burying yourself deeper and deeper in the darkness and the void that defines a Narcissist and their personality disorder AND your personal abuse. It is this daily struggle that is so unfulfilling and so damaging, as well as makes you feel so unhappy and worthless. Beyond that there is going to be a huge eye opener from the full devaluation AND discard this creature is going to throw at you when your time is up with them. It is virtually impossible to love a Narcissist normally because you are only plugging yourself into their manipulative game of abuse as their PRESENT source of supply. They are literally using up every bit of your life and reaping all the benefits. You can’t love a Narcissist because they are FAKE and all you are seeing is a projected image to fool or con you into their game or ABUSE.
A Narcissist AVOIDS seeing their real self and that is why they create all of these images/facades because they are completely empty and this is what they do to avoid seeing their real reflection in a mirror as well as make themselves look functional enough to create their fake bonds to con what they need out of people (supply). They avoid their real self so totally that they will defend their false image and destroy you for making them accountable for what they really are. There is such a mystery to them and that in itself becomes an addiction because we thought we saw a flicker of real love and a real person so we keep digging to find that again, but no there was none and yet we kept searching for it!
That idea that if we just try hard enough, we will find a way to create that loving connection or revive it becomes a goal BUT it is really a dangerous trap. Unfortunately, it kept us tied up in a relationship that really only revolved around basic functionality, but it always seemed to hold the unspoken promise of one day becoming a connection of unconditional love to us. The message that was always there was that we had to keep changing to meet the Narcissist’s needs and unfortunately we listened to this and made it our goal. That is what we get so caught up in and end up losing ourselves completely without there ever being ANY resolution. Trying harder is NOT going to unlock the magic door to their unavailable and dead heart because you are dealing with a void and not a person. The unfortunate consequence to this is that you will have to grieve this empty love just as if it were real. Unfortunately, there is the psychological damage that destroyed your integrity (and trusting all people) that is also attached and it requires many, many steps to actualize the entirety of this. So it is not like walking away from a normal relationship with a broken heart – you are walking away with a broken SELF.
So despite everything you truly and deeply loved this person, or a Narcissist! Somewhere deep down inside of you there are feelings that have been buried and have only shown up as feelings of frustration because of how hard you tried. Let these feelings surface. Society has sort of taught us through imposed beliefs how we are supposed to feel as well as what we are not supposed to feel, but this abuse is very different and deserves respect and patience! We are told we MUST NOT be victims. Unfortunately, we are, but we never wanted this or to become a victim of this abuse. It is a reality that must be processed correctly to heal and that is understanding it all. I hate the word victim but I understand my reality and I am not going to write it off in favor of being stigmatized by a word. I lived through something called abuse from a personality disordered person that tried to destroy me and then blamed me as if I were the abuser and then isolated me with backstabbing and a smear campaign that was an attempt to destroy my life COMPLETELY and to silence me so THEY could avoid exposure. I was not going to acknowledge a frame of reference that disallowed my recovery because of a label someone created that now tells me I am even MORE wrong and must not speak out. Victim’s become survivors by actualizing the truth and THEN we dump that label! We all know how damaging it can be if we stay in this victim role, but that is your first cry for help as someone that needs more support, education, love and a hand to pull them back up. IT IS ACTUALIZING THE TRUTH FIRST! I have heard from too many people that buried so much and it resurfaces and locks them up in many years of mistrust and isolation because they were told to move on. Educate yourself, get healthy again, and then work on ‘you!’ YES, you must move on and away from everything Narcissist once you get it and stop talking abuse or Narcissist and concentrate on YOU and your recovery. It is a personal process and different for everyone! Abuse is traumatizing and to recover from that trauma you must actualize the truth of what happened.
So, ask yourself this now. Have you allowed yourself to feel any disdain or anger towards them? Due to those beliefs, we are always supposed to take the higher road. BUT you are dealing with a Narcissist or a very disordered person that intentionally inflicted so much destruction on you through horrendous lies, betrayal, manipulation and they abused you terribly. Get angry and get mad because it can be liberating because you are acknowledging the truth and purge it out of yourself completely – THEN put that anger away to move forward. It is a stage of recovery to move you forward by purging it out of you completely. This can be very liberating when you embrace the truth and a great relief to realize that there is nothing wrong with you or your mental abilities. You didn’t know that this was a predator and a horrible person to have in your life. You didn’t have all of the tools to understand the relative danger of your reality with this Narcissist so don’t deceive yourself into thinking that there was a solution right there in front of you.
You get it today and you are away from them so it happened and you are free from this creature and the abuse. Count those blessings first to give yourself some levity to keep moving forward! Get healthy and use that as an opportunity to understand that there is evil out there and close every door that would enable this to happen to you again! Dig down deeply and acknowledge ALL of the distorted messages as well as the psychological abuse and desensitize it properly or it will only surface later. AGAIN, there is no magical cure or guru that can take you to recovery except for yourself. Your beliefs about life have been distorted and even shattered to your core and has created a negative and fearful view of the world and you must purge that out of you or be disabled for life. The process is long and you CAN’T skip any part of it. You must separate completely from diagnosing the Narcissist or reliving the past trying to understand it any more than what you do today. It was abuse imposed on you by a Malignant Narcissist. Educate yourself about this creature until you get it, then work on healing YOU!
Your heart is unconditional and you are full of goodness and empathy, but protect that now that you have started to close that door to this Narcissist because they will always welcome you back for more abuse! If you have ever tried to really help a Narcissist as most of us have you know that if you get too close to the truth of what they are it will blow up in your face and cause you horrendous damage. The Narcissist doesn’t want to be fixed or have their issues solved. They want to escape with absolutely NO accountability of the truth as it concerns them and they will ALWAYS blame others for their problems and the way they ABUSE people. No matter what you say or do, the Narcissist will shift all of the blame right back onto you! Attempting to reason or demanding accountability only starts up their immense denial mechanism and they will find every reason to divert from divulging the truth and they will even bump it up to destroy your integrity for attempting to divulge the truth. It is a tactic on their part that they have used all of their life. Blaming others keeps the Narcissist at arm’s length from their true darkness as well as their many issues. They have spent their entire life living under this shield of protection and you or nobody else can make them see the truth. They will strike out at you in such a manner that will hurt you more than you already are. However, you can work with that truth in a manner to acknowledge that this was situational and YOU are not to blame, a fool, mentally unstable, or any of the negative messages this Narcissist used to manage you down to feel worthless – that was all projection from this personality disordered Narcissist.
Reasoning with a Narcissist and their chaos, crazy making, and denial is truly a lesson in futility. They are liars through and through and have perfected the game of diverting from reality. Any person that can act out in the manner that a Narcissist does or intentionally extort/harm people like these creatures do can’t have access to rational reasoning, empathy, love, or reality. If they are breathing they are lying AND abusing. Lying even in a dysfunctional personality disorder like Narcissism has a cognitive basis (ability to reason) to it so they DO know what they are doing. Remember that they trap their prey and that requires a plan to make their agenda work with these lies – that is THINKING and KNOWING. They ALSO lie after they discard you to avoid being exposed – again they are thinking about what they NEED to do to survive.
This is why they are out there with another target/victim after each and every failed relationship. They are masterful at deception to get what they want. My Narcissist would have the world believing that I am mentally ill and scorned and THAT is what motivates me to write as I do. Even with the clarity and resonance of my words as well as the amazing similarity to ALL of the circumstances of this disorder, and mounds of written proof, and the collaborated stories from family, friends and co-workers that describe my ‘ex’ as a textbook Narcissist. Let them think what they think because you won’t change that because they are protecting themselves from exposure AND seriously they just don’t care. Nobody is exempt from their destructive smear campaign when they are on the run. In the end, you realize that only fools believe this Narcissist and the smear campaign and in reality the Narcissist’s world is very small. ALL that is important is your freedom from this sadistic and smothering abuse by completely separating yourself from this person. That Narcissist isn’t going to change or apologize for the destruction they imposed on you or your life. Please no/minimal contact! Greg
So just how did you/we confuse LOVE with ABUSE? Knowledge is power with recovery AND the truth will set us free!
What gets you/us there? Why did we or do we believe in this person that lies as easily as they breath? The simple and REAL answer is the false connection or ‘con bond’ or just another set of horrendous lies they have used to seduce you/us into their agenda just like they use on all people. This Narcissist created this fake connection in the beginning – the one where you bonded with them and trusted them explicitly. More than likely you believed it is/was a real relationship and you LOVED them – but in any case, your emotions and heart were/are basically ruling and clouding your mind. The real TRUTH is that slowly but surely the Narcissist was tempering your emotions and love to disable you completely so they could control YOU to get the supply they need so desperately. It is really very mechanical but they were so good at seducing you/us with the love bombing so they can in turn groom you/us as a main source of supply. This is a person that you explicitly trusted AND they cared about or loved you too (or so you believed) so you put yourself into a place of trusting them that comes natural to normal people and with that in mind you worked hard to always resolve any issues so that you could continue with this amazing relationship. You believed that they would reciprocate in a healthy manner because they do care/love you, but unfortunately you were totally blind to the real truth so you fell into their trap and it became a dysfunctional reality and you didn’t realize until it was too late and the damage was already done to you. The problem isn’t with you – it is with the abuser that used you in the controlling manner that they did – all you did was believe in them and not realizing that it was ALL a huge lie and con job.
This confusion will blind you to the many other aspects of their abuse and the Narcissist walks all over your heart and imprisons your mind in the process. This is CONTROL and it will get worse over time and be more of a daily emotional beating meant to harm you AND disable you completely. The WHY to all of this is because a Narcissist is severely defective and basically disconnects from people internally so they have to destroy them as well in the process of fulfilling their own personal needs because there are no healthy internal systems within them – but there is that agenda to achieve supply and that is it! They wear a false mask to cover up the truth – but the mask cannot completely hide their reality even from themselves? What kind of human could take another human to this place and WHY? Again, it is a simple but real answer – a personality disordered Narcissist that does not possess any empathy or the ability to love or bond with any other human being so they use whatever and whoever they can to satisfy themselves externally because they lack any mechanics to internalize and bond with people. There is no REAL person there just a projection that is a working mechanism to achieve supply to fulfill their needs. Think of it like watching a great movie with all of the emotions that you experience through that special actor in the starring role. In reality all you are watching is a person (actor) portraying something or other and doing this to earn their salary. It is not who they really are in reality – they are portraying something to elicit a response from you to get you to react to their craft because it pays the bills. With a Narcissist, it is the same thing – they are just actors and actresses portraying an image to get some sort of pay off and again that is supply from you and I. Unfortunately, they are destructive and abusive actors and actresses that do not accept any reviews that are anything less than high praise and complete admiration.
You ARE the normal person here but you find yourself explaining things like the reality of your feelings, or your need for cohesiveness but you are talking to a stone as far as getting through to a Narcissist. You are basically telling the Narcissist that they are winning at their extreme manipulation by participating because that is what they want. There is no such thing as empathy, feelings, or being nice with a Narcissist. Big red flag here because adults do not need to be taught how to play nice! Usually it is a five-year-old that needs a playground monitor and that is what you are dealing with – a five-year-old liar as well as a delusional bully in an adult body that will NEVER change these sadistic behaviors.
People that are normal and have empathy and integrity in their world always attempt to find or see the good in another person. Seriously you are not the first person that has probably dealt with this creature or has attempted to see the good in them. There is a trail of their destruction that goes way back, but unfortunately you are NOT privy to any of that information. You always find yourself thinking that if you could reach them, make them understand your confusion and hurt that maybe they will stop doing what they are doing! BUT they never will and you get totally lost in the process of trying. A person’s actions definitely define them. Physical abusers use physical actions to physically hurt/abuse people. Emotional and psychological abusers (like Narcissists) use their words to hurt/abuse you. With a Narcissist, they conned you by pretending to be this decent and caring person when they FIRST meet you, luring you into the abuse with their magnanimous charm and strong integrity but in time their words are like a punch to your brain and a knife to your heart.
Try as you may to bring resolution to any concern by working through it and you will find yourself spinning your wheels because you will be rehashing your concern over and over again. They want you to stay in this maze of confusion. They will ignore your every word in favor of crushing your thoughts once again as if your words do not even exist. They want you to re-engage to inflict more confusion and damage. They will only repeat the same delusional comments from the original argument and using all of the same words and the same garbage they already threw out at you. They totally ignore any legitimate arguments you may have provided and you are up against a stone wall. NOTHING will ever be resolved unless it is on THEIR terms, their rules and their laws. Basically, all of this involves disabling you and breaking your spirit. With a Narcissist, the exact same issues will come up over and over again!
After years of this abuse you are a shell of a person that is only surviving in this abusive game that a Narcissist inflicts on you and it is hard to get out of it. People can and will say we were weak and allowed this, but there was an agenda that tricked us into this position and that was psychological abuse. So, for the record let’s just say that the Narcissist is a predator that is in this to control, subjugate, abuse and destroy! It is very real and you can never understand it unless you are a target/victim of this abuse and trapped in it. I am not a weak person, nor was I ever subjected to psychological abuse by another human that I only treated with respect and love, so I suppose I failed as far as it concerns that. But if I was given the opportunity of a fair ‘battle ground,’ one in which I was aware that I was being attacked I am sure I would have fared out much better. I didn’t lose a battle, I survived an attack!
Even accountability as far as it concerns what they may have done to you, be it a huge lie, an affair or whatever will only end up at a dead end too. Whatever they may have done to you was done with intent no matter how it may have hurt you AND they just don’t care and feel justified in their actions. There is no real relationship or love as far as the Narcissist is concerned. They live in a delusional, perverted, and out of control world and take whatever they can from people with NO CONCERN to the harm they inflict on anybody else. AGAIN, WE MUST UNDERSTAND that there is no real relationship with them! We BELIEVE there is BUT we are all just taking our turn as supply and even though we are their PRIMARY source that still doesn’t mean that it is real by any means or there is ANY dedication from them whatsoever. Every opportunity is theirs for the taking as far as it concerns a Narcissist but it is never done in a fair manner or earned.
They probably have other relationships or other supply on the side that we absolutely have no sense of. These are very dysfunctional individuals that grab at any opportunity to serve themselves. Our primary role is to serve them 24/7 as well as accept their EVERY indiscretion to find other supply and to accept the blame because you/we are not serving them COMPLETELY. To sum it up a Narcissist is not a fully functioning human being and they cannot bond with other human beings, but they need them and use them like an object to serve their many needs. You must understand this completely to break the bond you have formed with them or it will lead you right back into the abuse until you do. You deserve so much more! No/minimal contact! Greg