BEWARE of the hoovering tactics because it is ONLY a trap that will lead you back to MORE chaos and ultimately more ABUSE.

BEWARE of the hoovering tactics because it is ONLY a trap that will lead you back to MORE chaos and ultimately more ABUSE. Why we must close that door forever and throw away the key when we finally find our freedom from this abuse! NEVER allow them any opportunity to connect with you unless you have to because of children – and then BUSINESS only. Always remember who they are and what they have done!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

REMEMBER a Narcissist will try to draw you back into the relationship over and over to gain the control and power they need to SILENCE you – plus this is what they do. If they get you there they will manipulate you MORE to get whatever other information they can to use against you or get you to participate in their favorite sport – DRAMA. Don’t allow yourself to think that he/she is reaching out because they care – that is what they want you to think and they will be counting on your gullibility to achieve this. Remember their thoughts are never centered on care, concerns, or anything they use to TRY to pull you back in – it is about the eternal game of control that is their whole life.

Let’s go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let’s define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced and unhealthy and basically not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality WHENEVER THEY CAN and using whatever they can – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or they are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims and that includes HOOVERING to try to drag us back under their control. The key words that describe the whole cycle of abuse are love-bombing, devaluation, discard and I always add DESTROY! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled. The first and most important revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure – UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation so we must always make sure every door that gives them access is SHUT and locked.

The truth about who they are and what they do! So what goes on in the omnipotent Narcissists distorted version of life? There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment as it concerns any other human being on this planet – people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use, entertain themselves with, abuse, and discard at will. It is a very controlled mechanism in their arsenal of abuse. Normal people respect all life, but a Narcissist doesn’t deem life as worthy of THEIR respect. So, by treating others as unworthy the Narcissist is acting as if they are beneath reprieve for their actions, and we are totally insignificant, very disposable and infinitely less important than the all-important Narcissist – and they will NEVER change. A Narcissist has no more regard for us than a person that steps on and squashes a poor bug that is minding its own ‘bug business’ on the ground. Basically and unequivocally we are nothing and the Narcissist is everything in their world and at all costs even if it means total destruction of an individual! You must always remember that the Narcissist has many other relationships going on as well so there is always a source of supply on the side. No one relationship is as real as it seems (or seemed) or has any of the significance we placed on it – especially as it concerned loving them and the Narcissist friending, caring, or loving us back! So NEVER let them back after you have gotten them out of your precious life.

Also – NEVER forget what they do! The shrewd Narcissist destroys the victim’s credibility in advance. They are by far NOT geniuses, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you want to get away with abusing someone, you first launch an effective preemptive attack on their character, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when the truth finally starts emerging that they (target/victim) was abused. Here is the formula for the Narcissist to be successful at this – abuse and then accuse your target/victim of the very atrocity the Narcissist has committed and BOOM you are on top of your game to escape the exposure – THEN if that Narcissist needs MORE ammunition they will find a way to get it – even if that means CHARMING you back in for a bit. They have been backstabbing/smearing us behind our backs from the very first day that we met them – but we were very distracted by the CHARM or ‘love bombing’ and growing trust with this creature – just us being a normal and empathic human being. Meanwhile that dark Narcissistic creature was just plugging us into their cycle of abuse and building up their minions, flying monkeys or Narcissistic support soldiers. Don’t ever forget this damage and harm by believing that they can step back into your life. ALSO remember that they will use many tricks to connect – but don’t ever try to convince yourself that they have changed – they are ABUSERS.

The Narcissist will most certainly react to the use of OUR personal boundaries (or our resistance to their control) but if we are to succeed and break the cycle of this abuse we have to build an impenetrable fortress to keep them out of our lives and heads forever. Violence is always a possibility with a Narcissist so keep this first and foremost in your mind ALWAYS. Be unyielding in protecting yourself with your personal boundaries as well as with your decisions and expectations. This will go a long way in boosting your self-esteem and ending the abuse because you are taking the control away from the Narcissist and back where it belongs with yourself. Refuse to be a target/victim and don’t be a willing participant in your own abuse by ever conceding to this Narcissist ever again.

So what a Narcissist puts into motion is pathologically treating us like dirt and maligning us behind our backs to control and destroy us – and they will NEVER stop if allowed back in. They are predators that are pre-loaded with delusion, psychopathy, and abuse. This seriously puts Narcissists in their own special class with Psychopaths or like a branch from the same Psychopath tree. The class of people who don’t wish you or any other human being any sense of well-being, no matter what or how friendly, caring or loving their façade is. This is the same class of predators as physical, sexual or ANY other kind of abusive predator and Narcissists are just as dangerous. Seriously we MUST internalize Narcissists really are predators and dangerous, but many people just don’t appreciate the true meaning or the reality of Narcissistic abuse basically letting it in one ear and out the other as the saying goes!

Some simple logic! A Narcissist isn’t acting on any normal human premise and all the Narcissist is doing is playing (manipulating) you for the reaction – he/she wants to control and abuse you. The truth is irrelevant to a Narcissist because they don’t even know what ‘truth’ is. Truth or lies, it’s all irrelevant to the Narcissist, so whatever works for them and that is usually lies. They are with us for ONE reason only ‘objectification” and we are there to serve them as Narcissistic supply and that is it. Why do they create the huge production with the entire friendship, CHARM or love bombing? To gain our trust first, and then in turn we speak highly of them in the beginning and that reinforces their con job of a life to the masses. We are none the wiser, PLUS they gain access to attack us using our trust and vulnerabilities to drive the psychological abuse straight to our minds to disable us as well as use against us when they need too. But don’t forget we were singing their praises at first and they were destroying our integrity behind our backs – so never think they can or will change.

So here we are with the truth and never forget it. We have to stand up again and brush ourselves off and start walking forward again and realize our own culpability in the exchange with this malignant Narcissist and NEVER LOOK BACK. We believed it was friendship, care, or love when it wasn’t – and we are in a place that is called abuse and the journey to recovery must start and NOW that we understand JUST HOW DISORDERED this partner was to our entire life. Now we MUST go “no contact” and stay there! We have educated ourselves with the truth and we have to stop anymore attempts on their part to abuse us anymore. You can and will do it if you keep those boundaries strong and that Narcissist out of your heart, mind, and soul – YES you are that amazing and powerful enough to become a survivor and thrive. Greg

Narcissists will accuse you of things that have no basis of reality as a DIVERSION to create an argument or a crisis that YOU must deal with – it is a chaotic and coercive tactic to throw you off base.

Narcissists will accuse you of things that have no basis of reality as a DIVERSION to create an argument or a crisis that YOU must deal with – it is a chaotic and coercive tactic to throw you off base. Their negative energy will expand in YOUR mind because you basically respond to whatever the crisis situation is. In turn, they will continue to pull you right into it to deplete your energy by making you respond to the situation or get you hyper involved and stuck in your head trying to use your normal resources to get to some cohesive conclusion where there is NONE.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists love to create, seed and cultivate their toxic and chaotic drama for the basic reason to CONTROL people! Yes, they are into drama and very dramatic because they live with so much internal chaos – even as controlled as they may seem to be. Narcissists also create drama as another distorted tool to get supply or draw all the attention to them OR also away from them when they need to avoid exposure. It is what they do with this drama because it never achieves anything good and it is used to basically divide and conquer people, divert from the truth, keep them confused, to control, and to isolate people. You can bet the Narcissist is always the go to person or at the center of all chaos and drama in EVERY situation but always comes out smelling like a rose because they are very shrewd instigators. The Narcissist I knew was very adept at this and cunning in the manner that they did it (triangulation), but be assured someone or something was being destroyed in the process! My Narcissist would always say that they were like a cat that would land on its feet and come up smelling like that rose NO MATTER WHAT. I always thought that this was very odd to hear because it described a person that knew they did some awful things to people and got away with it and felt proud of the fact that they came out of it unscathed – NOW I understand completely!

With a Narcissist life is a perpetual crisis because they are wounded so easily and life’s eternal victims so they shoot blame out anywhere they can. Everything is a perceived threat real or not – BUT they expect you to fix it NOW and on their delusional terms only. We all experience rough times but a Narcissist has a natural inclination to make the good, the bad, and everything else into an ugly and chaotic situation or everything is a crisis where they go above and beyond what would be deemed as a normal reaction. Remember this too, when they want to really play their games they will even accuse you of things that have no basis of reality to create an argument and a crisis that YOU have to deal with – sort of their chaotic and coercive diversion tactic to throw you off base. Their energy will expand in YOUR mind because you basically respond to whatever the crisis is and they will pull you into it to deplete your energy by making you respond to the situation or get you hyper involved and stuck in your head trying to use your ‘normal thought processes’ to get to some cohesive conclusion where there is NONE. Remember that YOU are OK here and again this is crazy making to throw you off center!

This is how they condition you into becoming dependent on them and usually it is through their devious manipulation, threats and negative responses from the crisis they create – and they JUST MIGHT LEAVE YOU (or whatever threat) if you don’t change your ways. So, you are conditioned to always walk on those perpetual eggs shells and accept their behavior to basically keep the peace and avoid their punishment or rage and again this is purely control. They cannot really empathize so empathy is not at the basis of any part of their interactions with people. Lies, deceit, manipulation, blaming, triangulation, conquering, and dividing people are. These actions ARE the basis of their ‘crazy making’ tactic or the real mechanics to their agenda as well as a dehumanizing ploy the Narcissist uses to manage people down. It is part of their plan to bring you down and keep you down. They will also project their own personal chaos and downfalls onto you to free themselves of the personal shame that lives inside of them. They really know how to work a situation to get attention, create chaos, blame, and dump some personal shame onto their target – this is all part of THEIR internal pathology! That is the reality of their life – they are human projection machines that have no reality except to source out their externalized needs or find supply.

Here is a big eye opener that you must truly internalize – they need you and your energy to be successful at maintaining their façade and achieving supply. They don’t want you to leave them until they want to go, so they go to great lengths to get and keep your attention until they have used you up as well as found another source of supply to replace you. Remember supply to them can be anything that gives them attention, be it negative or positive as long as it supports that façade! I used to ask my Narcissist if I was so horrid WHY NOT LEAVE – but my Narcissist kept coming back with that little bit of love bombing, more lies and fake promises because they hadn’t found a replacement yet (well many side ones but none that stuck).

Like a toddler that hasn’t reached a level of emotional maturity, they consistently go from loving and supporting you to getting angry and detesting or hating you to get their needs fulfilled through their debilitating up and down chaos and tantrums but with a Narcissist there is absolutely no love or bond there JUST wants and needs and constant diaper changes. They have their many toys and the shiniest one is the one that they ‘sort of love’ for the time being until a newer toy catches their attention. Their moods and responses are inconsistent and dealing with them feels like you are walking through a field of landmines where at any moment you may step on one and it will detonate, but those emotions that bond you to them and your empathy keeps you hanging on and tiptoeing around those landmines. Well add to this the emotional and psychological abuse that manipulates and blinds your way and distorts your reality.

A Narcissist WILL try to please you, but the nice things they do always have a huge cost and a motive a motive behind them. They play the saint or martyr that keeps score, and just when you think everything is okay, BAM they get you one more time, and then once more and once more until there are so many levels of this chaos that you are lost and isolated within their debilitating pathology. Their modus operandi is to sabotage you while they look innocent. For instance, they will commit to doing something when they really don’t want to do it and then consistently bail out at the last minute. Or they’ll conveniently forget. Perhaps they’ll run late and miss an event or a timeline. Everyone has these experiences now and again, but Narcissists do this all the time and they want to turn it around and get you to feel guilty and upset about WHAT THEY ARE PURPOSELY doing to you. They will make up excuses with the most ambiguous details or justifications when it comes to accountability and then sulk and act like a victim if YOU get upset meanwhile they have betrayed you in some form or fashion that you aren’t aware of. They will conveniently lose items, forget dates, miss deadlines, ruin plans, and then become sad and withdrawn because they have tried so very hard when they have done nothing but be irresponsible, tricked you and then they blame you as not understanding, etc. This is just more of their crazy making and chaos! Add to this the outright lies, the cruel behavior, the betrayal, the raging temper and there you have it – a Narcissist that means to create chaos and crazy making to manage you down to nothingness. REMEMBER that this is all intentional and a key component to their abuse tactics.

It is important or better yet imperative to know what you are dealing with as far as this chaotic crazy maker is concerned because they are destructive psycho bullies! However, with this type of abuse AND because of the charm factor, and/or love that is also introduced into the factoring there is always the tendency to be a little blind to the possibility of the truth especially if the person is a loved one or someone very close to you. We actually end up taking the Narcissist’s behavior personally and applying credence to what they are saying, or possibly even believing that the crazy maker (abuser) in our life could change or we could help them. We also expect the crazy maker to play by the same rules with communication or apply normal etiquette as everyone else, but they don’t. Our world is a normal one, their world lacks the normality and integrity that we know and understand and is purely driven by their pathology. Crazy making Narcissists don’t play by the same rules as you and me. You’ll save yourself a lot of headaches and energy if you realize this now and stop trying to make the crazy maker REAL in your life anymore or respond to your concerns because you are talking to a brick wall that you cannot penetrate!

So, it is important to internalize that the Narcissist delivers distorted and corrupt messages that are disguised as carefully and as proportionate as that disordered and fake mask they wear that conceals their false and negative self and their destructive agenda. They are negative messages disguised in a positive message or even a gesture. This inevitably sets you up to lose ALL THE TIME! All of this adds up to feeling worthless and everything you do seems to be inappropriate or wrong! There is only ONE way to end the madness and chaos – no/minimal contact! Greg

Narcissists utilize THEIR manipulation skills in a manner to instill FEAR in their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything! This is really a manufactured and FORCED chaos that is meant to confound their target’s normal thoughts and again make them feel fearful and OBEDIENT.

Narcissists utilize THEIR manipulation skills in a manner to instill FEAR in their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything! This is really a manufactured and FORCED chaos that is meant to confound their target’s normal thoughts and again make them feel fearful and OBEDIENT. They are always changing the goalposts so that you can never feel that there is a cohesive relationship, a connection, goodness, or a YOU in this relationship.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Remember they HAVE NO EMPATHY! – SO with zero empathy they are VERY capable of inflicting psychological AND even physical harm to others and are unaffected by that extreme hurt and harm they actually cause to others – just part of their working agenda. This can be very evident at times, because it is a downright shocking situation and we have all been there shaking our heads in disbelief at what they have said or acted on. It can also be very subtle with many small manipulative and dehumanizing actions that disassemble the target/victim’s well-being slowly and methodically. BUT it is so perplexing that people actually disbelieve their very ears and more than often we dismiss it and justify it by thinking it is JUST anger, a bad day, insecurity, jealousy, or they have some wrong information about us – BUT it is constant and consistent behavior meant to debase us and control us to keep us subservient and obedient to them.

Targets/victims are unaware that they have been living in what can only be compared to as an active battle zone. Most are unaware what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is or that it is a highly effective abuse from a predator. This is especially apparent with their ‘people skills’ or lack thereof. They have no viable or normal functioning interpersonal skills with anyone, and it is all about their needs and manipulating everyone to get what they want. So, with that function being completely null/void and DEAD, it follows that they have NO ability to relate to another human being in any normal manner, especially as it concerns empathy, compassion or LOVE – THIS is where we start to see what is truly behind that mask and that is when our intuition starts yelling at us that something is very wrong!

Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to make you feel their fear/wrath to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there.

Attacking your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your “buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.”.

The Narcissist can and will even go so far as always threatening “your security” with them which includes ending the relationship if you do not conform, dating other people, affairs, silencing, isolating or using other controlling and terrorist/fear tactics.

They are very unpredictable with their day to day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable/normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos and gas-lighting!).

This behavior is damaging and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused and controlled waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO ACT so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is fear and control to keep you constantly disabled.

They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain CONTROL over you. Be it making fun of us, belittling us, criticizing us, name calling, screaming at us, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making us the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you. They have to have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.

Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above) – somewhere you are LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.

Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!

Narcissists do not think the same way the rest of us do as far as it concerns empathy, love, and support because it would allow us to be individuals that think independently of their controlling and abusive nature. What is personally good, fun, logical, and reasonable to us, is the absolute opposite to them – again THIS is what leads us to our ‘Ah Ha’ moment. It’s one of the reasons people get so frustrated, confused and ABUSED by Narcissists. We would never consider diminishing someone we care for OR intentionally making someone angry or fearful of us – especially someone we care for, value or love – NOR would we use words as ammunition to wound someone. To the Narcissist making someone angrier, fearful, invalidating them and using it against them is their goal in life OR controlling their victim They are big cowards that always lurk in the shadows to hide their identity with their lies, manipulation and perverted lifestyle. Control is power in their world! Trust your intuition and empower yourself with truth and clarity. No/Minimal contact! Greg

YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns with reality in a very normal manner, BUT the Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through CHARMING manipulation and deception to make you BELIEVE how amazing you are AND they are also just like you in every way so that you connect and bond with them! THEN after they have pulled you into their world they will start to realign your thoughts once again to make you believe you are NOW the direct opposite, worthless, and purely toxic to the relationship!

YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns with reality in a very normal manner, BUT the Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through CHARMING manipulation and deception to make you BELIEVE how amazing you are AND they are also just like you in every way so that you connect and bond with them! THEN after they have pulled you into their world they will start to realign your thoughts once again to make you believe you are NOW the direct opposite, worthless, and purely toxic to the relationship! It is the same storyline in every relationship they have – they take us from CHARM to HARM!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

These are very cunning creatures and it is virtually impossible for a ‘normal’ person to wrap their head around this because Narcissists can and do act as if they are perfectly normal, and SANE – they can also be high functioning individuals but they lack the internal mechanisms to support ANY healthy interactions with other people! Then the question arises as to how they keep up the many charades with different people as well as how they are able to lie so easily, hurt people, and not have any remorse?

So how do they do this? They compartmentalize situations, people, and events completely and keep them separate. Narcissist are very private about their world because it is filled with so many secrets and lies AND basically they live double lives and even triple/quadruple lives or as many as they can maintain! ALL of these different lives they maintain consist of secrets and lies AND information that is potentially negative and destructive to the Narcissist’s lifestyle so if the truth is revealed and the Narcissist is exposed then the ‘gig’ is up so a few extra lies on top of all of the other lies is just commonplace in the Narcissist’s world!

If their twisted lifestyle or the secrets/lies are revealed either accidentally or purposefully it will cause great chaos or perceived harm to the Narcissist and those (their supply) around them essentially destroying their world. The Narcissist doesn’t care about what YOU or I feel, they care about what they NEED to survive and hiding the truth of who and what they really are. SO, they are aware of just what they need to do to keep that façade going in each and every situation. Narcissists will use drama, rage, threats, fear, and deflection tactics by ALWAYS blaming everyone else for their deceptive behavior as well as creating great confusion with stories that just don’t make sense – it is all ‘smoke and mirrors!’ You will completely ‘get this’ one day as I unfortunately did and it is a horrendous revelation when the truth is right there in front of you!

Narcissists have a lot of internal shame driving them because of their inability to live outside of their out of control fantasy world – they just can’t face their reality. AGAIN – they are like magicians that create their false magic with smoke and mirrors, but the magic the Narcissist uses are their words and lies so quickly and effectively in an effort to confound or confuse our ability to see or hear the very lies that are right in front of us. They are not fully functioning human beings that completely lack empathy and do not know love, but they need us to satisfy their needs like we need air to breath. This is why they con the world into believing they are WHAT THEY AREN’T!

Furthermore, Narcissists will keep many, many secrets from EVERYONE close to them and spin such intricate webs of lies that are tailor made for each person in their life AND that is why you feel so special and like YOU are the ONLY one – again they compartmentalize everything. They will play one side against the other by triangulating to divide and conquer keeping the truth separate by keeping people and relationships separate. It is purely a diversion tactic that they create between people. Narcissists will also ALWAYS play the victim card as if they were the one that was taken advantage of without knowledge and fell into whatever the situation and couldn’t help what they did because they are the honorable one that took the fall for someone else – ALWAYS lies and blame OR transference! They are also very adept at spinning lies around a little bit of truth especially as it concerns PAST relationships or their many PRESENT lies and betrayal. My Narcissist had to work overtime to cover up the disastrous turmoil that this Narcissist caused to an ex-spouse and family.

OK so the nitty gritty to help you understand how a human being can be like this! Narcissists don’t live in the real world OR a real world. They live in their own world made up of fantasy, lies, delusions, deceit, and perversion. They have their own reality that everyone that has any part of their life must accept or they will be deemed crazy, punished, and even destroyed. They live in a world where they make up all the rules and then break all the rules. In this world, everyone must think just like them or better yet approve everything that the Narcissist does without question or prejudice. If you are a part of their life you can never reflect anything that would reveal their true Identity or ask for accountability.

All of the Narcissist’s sins and indiscretions must be forgiven and accepted but YOU must be perfect and basically their servant and caretaker. Acceptance and adoration must be given to the Narcissist CONSTANTLY, but absolutely none is given to you in return. In their world ABUSE is how they show love and you must accept the abuse because that is all you are worthy of. You must support their deluded actions without blinking an eye, but if you breathe wrong you will be severely punished.

Living in their world will always involve gas-lighting, betrayal, pathological lying, isolation, triangulation, and extreme manipulation so they can keep their false identity in place. You constantly have to tip toe around the Narcissist’s fragile ego to keep them happy so that their true identity and nature doesn’t rear its ugly face and THIS becomes your new normal. Living in their world is like walking through a field of land mines or hidden bombs and you never know when they will explode but when they do the Narcissist is always there detonating them! This is no life that any person deserves or should even want to be a part of – but it takes time to ‘get it’ because of the superficial love and charm that conned you into this desperate love.

It is in reality a distorted land of make believe and everything is fine as far as the Narcissist is concerned because it totally serves them. BUT it is a land of horrible secrets and painful lies for the victim. THE ONLY truth is a relative truth based on what YOU may believe the relationship really is and that shrewd Narcissist will reinforce those beliefs and keep you connected to their abusive world so YOU will give them supply because that is why they are there and expended ANY energy whatsoever. YOUR relationship IS ONLY held together through fear, guilt and obligation – that and being a source of supply to this Narcissist until they find a replacement.

The Narcissist sabotages everything and everyone because NOBODY can be better or do better than the NARCISSIT! It is a place where your dreams will die quickly and your self-esteem and self-worth die along with them. It is a place where love does not exist at all! Suddenly after so much time together with this Narcissist your world is no longer the one you believed in. You question everyday reality, but most of all you question yourself. You wonder how you could have been so naive, foolish, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing, etc., etc. You were betrayed and duped in a hideous fashion by the great manipulator! It was just your turn to replace old supply and shore up the Narcissists lies. You essentially became their safe haven after their last target/victim and just new supply. It is unfathomable in our world to understand how ANY person could be this way but they are personality disordered and not fully functioning human beings.

YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns reality in a very normal manner! BUT the Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through deception to make you BELIEVE they are like you in every way when they are the direct opposite and purely toxic and basically dead inside. With all of their overt manipulation they make you believe they are so full of charm and love AND there is no reason NOT to reciprocate back with your love, devotion and TRUST. You see no other reason than to believe him/her because if the Narcissist acts like you (the NORMAL person), reciprocates by saying that he/she likes or loves you, then there is no reason not to believe him/her because in your or my past, people who acted in this manner and spoke these exact same words could be trusted. You only believed there was congruency or reality in the initial connection and you did what other normal people did and went with it because the Narcissist LIED so well and hid their secret perverted world from you! But not now because time has changed so many things.

Suddenly you learn that someone (the Narcissist) you trusted implicitly, be it a spouse, lover, family member, close friend, etc., has been putting you down, backstabbing you, lying, manipulating others against you, betraying you, and yet STILL maintaining a FALSE stance of intimacy, friendship or LOVE with you. It is just impossible to understand because it is a horrendous betrayal, so your world becomes so unclear and now you have such conflict and animosity about this. Unfortunately, you are stuck between these two worlds – one where you believed in their love and one where you see truth that it was a distorted love meant to harm you! There are so many areas of your life that are impacted by the abuse that are so far reaching that it has even reached your deepest level or core beliefs and literally changes your identity! It is just never one area that is affected by this abuse, it is our emotional, spiritual mental and even your physical world that is seemingly altered forever! Each area requires its own recovery process and the reason why recovering takes time.

Life circumstances will naturally draw you back into the trauma. Something will trigger a horrendous memory and we relive those moments where we were horribly betrayed and taunted by this Narcissistic terrorist who conned us into believing they loved us to extort our life through their cruel and distorted love. There will be innocuous triggers all around us that reignite the trauma from the abuse and we will either run from these situations or put up huge walls to avoid personal contact to avoid being hurt again! It may affect your future relationships and you only question what YOU did wrong and reinforce what the Narcissist told you and that you are damaged and will always be alone. It is a fear of the hold they still have on us AND our future because of the heinous psychological terrorism/rape they inflicted on our minds. They are like a ghost that constantly haunts us and reminds us that evil exists out there and almost destroyed us.

You will more than likely hear that this Narcissist is with someone new and right back to their old tricks and getting away with their abusive crimes again. You may also hear that the Narcissist is succeeding somehow and even believe that this Narcissist is doing so much better than you! No this is the travesty of this abuse and how it has stolen your good belief system and replaced it with the darkness of a Narcissist. This is not reality it is the abuse foreshadowing your attempts to think normally and break free. Years of being managed down and abuse has made you vulnerable to everything that is only life and not meant to harm you. Narcissists are completely empty and cannot feel happiness, love, success, care, or anything that we can so please understand that everything to them is temporary until they find something else to replace it with – their world is completely external.

Recovery requires a complete indulgence and openness to look inward. It is a process that requires education, introspection, spirituality, voicing your fears, connecting with other targets/survivors, and a therapist if possible. You MUST totally acknowledge the truth about this person you loved and that is that they are an abuser, psychological terrorist, and psychological rapist. The process begins when you say no to the negative messages left behind and open your ears and eyes to a new life that seeks out true goodness because it is still there where it always was. Finally, you must put the Narcissist away forever because there is absolutely nothing that you need to connect with as far as it concerns them. That means any unreal memories or any other thought about them! You may want to see them fail with their next victim BUT they will move onto another victim and then another and you can’t be bothered trying to find closure in this manner. The wounds will turn into scars and you will come out of this with new boundaries, a new voice and your old belief system back in place but so much stronger. DON’T allow them to have a hold on your complete future! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

More TOOLS of the Narcissists trade. Rewriting history, constant lying, and intentionally denying what they have said or done, or as the meme says – toxic amnesia. We MUST remember that all of this is done with purpose n the Narcissist’s part – that is manipulation and psychological ABUSE!

More TOOLS of the Narcissists trade. Rewriting history, constant lying, and intentionally denying what they have said or done, or as the meme says – toxic amnesia. We MUST remember that all of this is done with purpose n the Narcissist’s part – that is manipulation and psychological ABUSE!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Their conversations and interactions aren’t meant to connect or enlighten, but to confuse, deny, control, invalidate, and consistently create drama and diversion. They are a huge VOID, working to get whatever they can from you – basically they extort life and lives. They expect you to lend a listening ear and give them complete approval. They use emotional withdraw and silencing to create guilt, compliance and control. They will betray personal information and secrets to feel more powerful. They will manipulate and use flattery or protests of their innocence (crying, pleading, and begging) like a stealth weapon to achieve their agenda and get their way. They will use verbal skills to block or deflect accountability for their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle and sift blame onto YOU. They impact lives negatively but miraculously escape exposure even appearing to have some positive effect and you end up the negative aspect of the relationship with them.

Think about this connection/relationship — on one side of the spectrum there is us ‘believing’ that there is relevance and reality to the relationship. On the other side is the Narcissist that doesn’t have ANY connection to us emotionally and our relevance is nothing more than that of an object that serves them. Remember they have MANY tools they use that boils down to horrendous manipulation, gaslighting, out and out lies, emotional and psychological abuse, etc. Clinically we call this cognitive dissonance – or as I simply put it – when we learn that the truth is a lie, and the lies are the real truth as it concerns a Narcissist.

OK so the nitty gritty to help you understand how a human being can be like this! Narcissists don’t live in the real world OR a real world. Again, they live in their own world made up of fantasy, lies, rewriting history, gaslighting, denial, delusions, deceit, and perversion. They have their own reality that everyone that has any part of their life must accept or they will be deemed crazy, punished, and even destroyed – unfortunately we don’t see this right away. They live in a world where they make up all the rules and then break all the rules. In this world everyone must think just like them or better yet approve everything that the Narcissist does without question or prejudice. If you are a part of their life you can never reflect upon YOUR individuality OR anything that would reveal their true Identity or ask for accountability.

Once again to drive the point home – living or participating in their world will ALWAYS involve gas-lighting, betrayal, pathological lying, isolation, triangulation, backstabbing, smearing, silencing, isolation, extreme manipulation, and abuse so they can keep their false identity in place and establish control over their target/victim. You constantly have to tip toe around the Narcissist’s fragile ego to keep them happy so that their true identity and nature doesn’t rear its ugly face. Living in their world is like walking through a field of land mines or hidden bombs and you never know when they will explode but when they do the Narcissist is always there detonating them! THERE IS NOTHING OF VALUE IN THIS CONNECTION OR RELATIONSHIP – except saving your sanity and life by getting out and away from this abuser.

It is in reality a distorted land of make believe and everything is fine as far as the Narcissist is concerned because it totally serves them. BUT it is a land of horrible secrets and painful lies. THE ONLY truth is a relative truth based on what YOU may believe the relationship really is. YOUR relationship IS ONLY held together through fear, guilt and obligation – that and being a source of supply to this Narcissist until they find a replacement.

The Narcissist sabotages everything and everyone because NOBODY can be better or do better than the NARCISSIT! It is a place where your dreams will die quickly and your self-esteem and self-worth die along with them. It is a place where friendship, family connections, care, or love exists at all! No/minimal contact. Knowledge, education, and clarity are imperative tp start on your journey to recovery. Greg

THIS is so important to understand as far as gaining our freedom and moving forward. We DIDN’T care for or fall in love with the abuse, we were seduced into this abusive relationship and manipulated into a role by a fraud and a highly disordered and sadistic Narcissist with an agenda!

THIS is so important to understand as far as gaining our freedom and moving forward. We DIDN’T care for or fall in love with the abuse, we were seduced into this abusive relationship and manipulated into a role by a fraud and a highly disordered and sadistic Narcissist with an agenda!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

So the truth or the crash course to understanding our role. The Narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche and also penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques – brainwashing us every step of the way to gain our trust so we BELIEVE in them – then they can manage us down and control us to ‘get’ supply. They are seriously like a virus that establishes itself within its victims. Their words and manipulative actions echo through our psyche and mind, slowly but surely disabling every aspect of our reality with the sole intent to control and extort us. They are like poison to us and at every level of our life.

Recovery is a process that demands that we separate ourselves from the Narcissist that is alive and living inside of us as the result of living or being with that Narcissist. The Narcissist has crippled you (us) and assigned us a role as they do to every target/victim. We HAD to develop coping mechanisms with him/her. EVERY day we were forced (controlled) to “walk on eggshells” and develop our own false self to support their every need. It is nothing even comparable to BEING a Narcissist it is just defining what we become and that is a servant or Narcissistic supply. It is a direct result of the elaborate arsenal of tools that the Narcissist uses and the result of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you (us) by the Narcissist.

Thus, great efforts are required to abandon a Narcissist and physical separation is only the first step. Next emotional and psychological separation is also required and that is the catch 22 in our recovery. It requires establishing a new reality that puts all of our old beliefs about this relationship to rest forever. We can abandon a Narcissist physically, but our psyche is slow to abandon the Narcissist. The abuse is lurking there rendering its existence at every level of our reality. It is twisting and distorting our every thought as we reach out to find closure in response to the many years we were with them. The Narcissist’s words and actions live within us as an inner, remorseless voice, lacking any compassion and empathy for our real being. The Narcissist is there in spirit long after he/she has vanished physically. This is the last bow of the Narcissist, their final curtain call, the proxy abuse that has to be purged out of us.

A little bit of my personal reflection on my abuse: Now I have the clarity about this abuse as well as the Narcissist that abused me. It is like being on a merry-go-round, but one that you can’t get off of and it just goes faster and faster until you are left there alone, frozen and spinning around with no sense of anything but the senseless motion you are in. I DO NOT understand why I endured as long as I did with this Narcissist except that I WAS managed down and a captive person of emotional and psychological abuse that put me there. Was I a willing participant that wanted to be abused – NO! Was I put into a position to believe that this creature loved me – YES! Was I the recipient of subtle and demeaning brain-washing – YES! Am I normal person than loves and has empathy – YES! Did I become dependent – YES! Did I willfully accept this role to become disabled and dependent on a Narcissist – NO! Did I believe in the false love – YES! BUT again, did I connect any or all of this OR put it together when I was in the thick of this cycle of abuse – NO. I was confused, dazed and fighting for answers I didn’t have nor could I get to them because of my distorted emotions and trying to believe. It was my own justifications that blinded me from so much of the truth AND disabling.

The devaluation was relentless, and a new layer was added daily so I couldn’t even start to dig myself out from the many other layers or realize this was emotional/psychological abuse. I didn’t have time to concentrate or figure out one single layer because another layer was added until the process was insurmountable and I was just surviving each new day. I was in over my head and by myself with a distorted reality and stories that were just too incredulous and beyond belief so much so that I questioned my OWN reality and SANITY. I could only survive the best way I could, and my life was controlled by this revolving circle of inner messages that we are left with to decipher but it was too overwhelming to do alone. What did I have as my reality – a disordered and not fully functioning human being – A NARCISSIST?

Just like the analogy of that fast ride on the merry-go-round, my only salvation was to jump off at all costs and get my feet back on the ground and my bearings back again. This was not a simple process because this Narcissist made sure to set the groundwork to make those nearest and dearest to me believe that I was a bad person and derelict. This was an insurmountable situation that I had to venture into without any course of action to resolve any of it quickly. I stumbled through it and had to let go of many things that were important to my life and become a survivor. Day by day I acquired the truth as well as knowledge to move forward. I didn’t look at any of the losses at first, I realized that my survival was based on becoming healthy first and then to rebuild from there. I had to step out of the fog and take each and every day as part of my freedom that provided me clarity to heal and move on little by little until I survived this war that was waged against my life. They just don’t walk into our lives to take supply and then discard us, they have to attempt to destroy us to make themselves feel better or superior in the process and to bury the evidence to avoid exposure so that they can move onto their NEXT source and they will repeat the exact same cycle of abuse with THEM.

I did survive when I accepted that all of this was ABUSE and nothing even near what I believed was real love. That was a very difficult hurdle for me, not just emotionally but for a vast array or reasons that came into question that concerned me personally as well as understanding that what I loved was basically a monster. I have purged everything out of me and found my way back again. This Narcissist is an envious, cruel, destructive, and a sadistic little person that won’t ever love another person because their envy of life and people is so close to the surface that it naturally erupts as rage. They have no control to contain themselves because there are no rules, laws, or MORALITY to uphold within their vast void. Essentially, they have to battle with their OWN false self through their many lies, manipulation and an out-of-control lifestyle that destroys every day of their life, so that they can only create another day with a new mask that will slip off like all of the others they wore.

They will put so much time into their agenda to trap someone new and take them down to their level, but we do break free from them and their little battle rages on with life that forces them to keep running as searching for another person. They don’t ever look back on their life with fond memories, or fulfilled dreams because they don’t have a REAL life. Their own biological children become targets/victims and suffer from the fallout of their abuse and quickly become like every other person they abandon BUT they use and abuse them too if they can gain something from a connection with them. They have no past, present or future – only the destruction, loss and loneliness that they have inflicted upon others that RETURNS to them tenfold. There is no happiness or ‘new’ love in their life, just another target to abuse and a new game for them to play AND distancing their past so it doesn’t catch up with them.

You have the heart, soul and mind to grow from this destructive time you spent with them. You can love again, and you have the spirit, knowledge, and goodness from your past life to re-educate yourself and come back again. Unlike a Narcissist that is in a constant battle with life, you are resilient because you know unconditional love that heals and have empathy to grow as rational, functioning and normal human beings do! You are REAL, amazing, and resilient and CAN do this. You will never fully understand this because you have real empathy, compassion, and know love. With that in mind you only have to understand the truth that they are abusive to all life and that they have seriously damaged your life. Don’t try to keep getting into their head to understand them anymore because that will put you right back into the abuse with more confusion and you will only stay on the merry-go-round until you stop, accept the truth and create a realistic closure that you were abused by a personality disordered person that never cared and you cannot fix them – but you CAN fix you and repurpose yourself after this insidious relationship with a Narcissist. No/minimal contact to move forward! Greg

They ARE masters at manipulation and lying – so they can effortlessly FLIP the real truth in an effort to make us always seem like we are wrong, worthless, bad, argumentative, have serious issues, and even abusive. How do they do it? With well placed lies mixed in with a tiny bit of EMBELLISHED truth! PLUS remember that their whole world is built on lies and manipulation so they are EXPERTS at it.

They ARE masters at manipulation and lying – so they can effortlessly FLIP the real truth in an effort to make us always seem like we are wrong, worthless, bad, argumentative, have serious issues, and even abusive. How do they do it? With well placed lies mixed in with a tiny bit of EMBELLISHED truth! PLUS remember that their whole world is built on lies and manipulation so they are EXPERTS at it. Understanding the reality about these emotional and psychological abusers. The truth is not a way of demeaning them as they have demeaned us, or ‘getting back’ at them — it is understanding the ‘reality’ of this abuse and putting a perspective on it so we CAN move forward without blaming ourselves to healing and working on OUR recovery.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

As simple as it all sounds the Narcissist’s aim is impeccable and all of us are the targets and we make their life work. Think about their attacks. Who does the Narcissist call a liar? The honest person and usually that means you and me, but who is the real liar – the Narcissist? Who does The Narcissists say is bad, dangerous and the abusive person? Well again the good person that actually cares for them and probably loves them and that is us again. They will put themselves before their own biological children and family, and that speaks so loudly about how disordered they really are! Remember though they are quite talented at what they do and they have all of this down to an art form so their talent for farce is so great that MANY people mistake the Narcissist for stoic and astute as we have all done. They are working that image for sure and hanging onto that mask for dear life. But in that definition just remember that their insecurity is so intense that they have to seek out many mirrors (people) to constantly reinforce the big facade or the big lie of what and who they are. They have no room for anything else in their lives other than keeping that façade and themselves viable and alive – but it is not plausible because they are so out of control that they always get caught up in their own game. You can only fake it for so long!

So many times we see ourselves as foolish for falling for their lies, manipulation, and façade. But let’s put some thought into this, EVERYONE falls for their façade, even their minions, or the naysayers that find our stories too incredulous to believe. So are they foolish as well for not seeing through the Narcissists façade to? A big YES. So if we are to accept foolishness then the rest of the world must join in accepting their role as also being FOOLED by the Narcissist’s grand façade! Seriously we are not fools we were conned just like everybody else!

A Narcissist has the mental capacity of a child with no sense of measure or moderation – just wants and needs AND most importantly NO EMPATHY which defines their disorder. So a Narcissist is more dangerous with their thoughts, mouth, and complete lack of empathy than an angry child throwing a tantrum because they want what they want and WHEN they want it. They will spew out some poison about someone as easily and naturally as we take a breath of air. Remember a Narcissist only loves themselves and there is NO room for anything else but seeking out people or supply to reinforce their lame façade. They have no normal human relationships because they can only relate to people as objects. As I mentioned above, a Narcissists will project off of their own children as thoughtlessly as they would anybody else that stands directly in front of them and that is just too unnatural as it concerns the human love condition, yet alone what they will do to anybody. Since a Narcissist is really a ‘mental’ little child, the only reign on their behavior is what they feel they can get away with. So, the more The Narcissist gets away with, the more repressed guilt they have to purge onto some poor target/victim.

Look at their daily lives, the Narcissist is more than likely to totally discredit someone he/she owes gratitude, because needing help damages the Narcissist’s perfect image. So, the Narcissist repays help as though it were an insult. They must devalue it by devaluing the giver of it by making them a contemptible person that is incapable of really helping someone as grand and perfect as they are. The Narcissist’s world is compromised of devaluing people, discrediting them with horrendous lies, and using them as stepping stones to get to their desired source of newer and continued supply. This is what they are and what we must internalize to move forward by leaving THEM completely behind in every way. No/Minimal contact always! Greg

Those important RED FLAGS – just what are they in reality?

Those important RED FLAGS – just what are they in reality? Simply put they are your intuition or your mind reviewing, thinking and piecing things together and trying to draw on logic to understand a situation or actions – but most importantly intuition is telling us that there is something not quite right that needs attention. So important to understand what they are in ANY type of relationship we have with ANY person.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Do you constantly feel confused as it concerns the reality of your relationship? Do you always find yourself explaining instead of participating in normal conversations? Does it seem that you can’t put your finger on something in particular, but instead it lacks REALITY in the normal course of progression or events as it concerns the relationship? Are there constant but subtle signals or perhaps even bright ‘red flags’ that seem to be waving close to your face? Perhaps there are even events that have led you to believe that there is lying involved or betrayal, but YOU are always invalidated and bullied away from anything real as far as a conversation concerning a simple question and a real answer. It seems as if you are given an answer that deflects away from the original question or the situation is turned completely around and back onto YOUR faults, or you are exhibiting ‘crazy behavior’ as if you are extremely jealous or making something out of nothing? Are they a Narcissist?

Do you notice that there HAS been conflict surrounding this person’s PAST with PREVIOUS relationships. Is there a pattern that is evident that this person seems to have a trail of destroyed relationships behind them? Have they MENTIONED or BLAMED the ‘other’ person/people in a manner that makes you believe the all of these OTHER people are the ‘problem’ and ‘reason’ that caused them to part ways? Have you had conversations that are not relevant to any reasoning surrounding ‘particulars’ as to WHY, but instead you are given strong inflammatory statements that the ‘other’ person is “crazy” or has “major issues” perhaps a liar, cheater, a person that lacks morals, etc. Are they described in a manner that is so extreme that it locks you into a definition of that ‘other’ person that makes you want to keep your distance and even protect yourself from making any contact with them. Do you get a strong sense that perhaps there is a reason that you are kept at a distance from the past as it concerns the person you are in this personal relationship with? Are they a Narcissist?

Are you finding yourself feeling isolated from your friends and family? Do you get a sense that you are becoming more and more of a prisoner to this person as if they are all consuming and controlling you? You are constantly trying to deflect from negative words and actions – or ‘walking on eggshells’ to avoid the negativity for what basically seems to be over anything and everything. There seems to be those good times, some expression of care now and then but also there are many strong expressions of disdain and constant conflict. Does it seem to be more of a roller coaster ride that has you going through constant highs and lows and it never levels out? Are they a Narcissist?

Do you feel that you are losing some important people in your life – perhaps a good friend or this could include family members as well. Do you hear things that come up where there are specific accusations concerning these people saying things about you? Or the opposite, do you hear outrageous statements that reinforce the attacks or bullying with comments like “so and so said they think you have ISSUES too.” Is there triangulation or being pitted against other people to create many walls in your life where there were none? Are they a Narcissist?

To take it further does this person treat others better IN YOUR PRESENCE or are they quite CHARMING outside of your personal relationship? Does this person have a history of attacking his/her family, friends, neighbors, boss or co-workers; in the same manner he/she attacks you? Are they a Narcissist?

Do you feel so much confusion around your life like you are in a fog and not functioning normally and have lost control? Are there so many layers of negativity surrounding this relationship from arguing, lies, manipulation, betrayal, debasing, dehumanizing and a sense of hopelessness? Does it feel that reality as it concerns this person you care about or even love is thrown out the door? Who are they? You don’t even have a range or perspective about them personally, but instead a conflicting reality that disables you instead. Does life in general seem to be full of anxiety as you suppress so many things because you are just not allowed to be an individual by any means? Are you feeling controlled as if this person exerts power over you to keep you that way? Are you constantly threatened as far as your place in the relationship – one wrong move and they are going to leave you. You never do anything right! They compound it with a definition of you that includes so many negative issues, mental illnesses – you are more or less described as wrong, bad, and always the problem in their eyes. Are you made fun of in any way or always the made the brunt of a joke? Are you accused of issues around your morality, or do you hear things that you have supposedly done that are OUTRAGEOUS lies? Do you find yourself constantly confronted by a raging maniac that bellows out how horrible you are constantly? Are you blamed and shamed for things you have never done but you believe with all your heart and soul that these things have been done TO YOU INSTEAD?

THEN one day you are abandoned and NOW you find yourself labeled by all of these horrible things and suddenly your integrity has been dismantled all around you in a manner that destroyed many areas of your life. You have been smeared to all of your friends, co-workers, and family – in essence you have spent your days with this person being set up as a hideous and destructive failure and now it has come to fruition and this person has ruined your reputation to the very people you care about and love! Now your losses are many and you are just too vulnerable to function because of this! Do you feel ABUSED?

ARE THEY A NARCISSIST – I would have to probably say yes there is a very good chance. There are now huge ‘red banners’ instead of ‘red flags’ and you are a target/victim of a malignant Narcissist. I could have written this years ago before I even knew what a Narcissist was or did or what a target/victim of this abuse went through. This was my reality and my situation. The Narcissist’s attacks are very specific and are often defined as ‘similar patterns’ by so many victims. Now that I look back on it all I wonder how I could have been so blind not to see all of this negativity and destruction. Well I realized that there is a reason they call this ‘abuse’ and that is because over time it disables a healthy person’s reality, worth, and ability to function normally.

HERE is the clinical definition – Psychological abuse (also referred to as psychological violence, emotional abuse or mental abuse) is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting, or exposing, another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. It would have been a lifesaver to me if my Narcissist came with this label but unfortunately they did NOT. Abusers don’t show their dysfunctional self when we meet them – no, instead they come to us in a neatly and beautifully wrapped package that is seemingly full of charm, unconditional love, empathy, care, and so many other things that attract normal people into relationships. So, in a nutshell it was a huge con job so that the Narcissist can secure people as ‘supply’ or in simpler terms objectify people because we serve a very real and needed purpose in their lives. They cannot function without people constantly supporting their vast array of needs. They can’t show us who they are so they create who we want them to be to get the job done and get what they came for. Unfortunately that façade cannot contain the horrendous creature that really resides inside of that charming facsimile we believed in – and that creature comes out because it has no empathy, love or mechanisms to bond with people – that is where the slow and subtle devaluation starts and grows and that is when we question all of the things I wrote about and THEN get our ‘ah ha’ moment. They take us from ‘Charm to Harm’ within the cycle of the relationship we had with them. No/minimal contact is the only way! Greg

You are worthless, you have Issues, you are the source of EVERY problem – CONTROL is power to the Narcissist and they MUST have it to achieve their agenda and that is accomplished by destroying YOUR self-worth!

You are worthless, you have Issues, you are the source of EVERY problem – CONTROL is power to the Narcissist and they MUST have it to achieve their agenda and that is accomplished by destroying YOUR self-worth! Targets/victims are unaware that they have been living in what can only be compared to as an active battle zone. A Narcissist clearly crosses the boundaries of defying another person’s human rights and dignity, so much so it is clearly classified as psychological abuse.

From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everythig Else in Between with a Narcissist

One of the most obvious signs of malignant narcissism is the way they constantly malign others. They are constantly remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider that family, friendship, and love should never hurt a person nor take them down a road of destruction. Ultimately loss can make us sad when we lose a loved one but that is the reality of unconditional love when someone near to us is suffering, or we lose them completely – and that is more or less grieving a REAL connection between two normally functioning people. Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist is psychological abuse MEANT to intentionally harm and damage a target/victim that the Narcissist has chosen as their prey – it by no means is anything near a conventional and/or loving relationship. Real connections grow and don’t diminish another person’s spirit. Always remember that the care or love that you felt for this person was as much a part of the psychological abuse (charm or love bombing) as was the devaluation stage. These were all the tools of the Narcissists trade – brainwashing, extreme manipulation, gas-lighting, pathological lying, hideous betrayal, many sexual partners, etc., or the cycle of abuse with a Malignant Narcissist.

This abuse is NOT limited to ‘love’ relationships only. Narcissists can be family members like a mother/father, brother/sister, boss/co-worker, friend/relative or anyone for that matter. Targets/victims are often victimized by more than one person as well because they have only learned or known this dehumanizing abuse all of their lives. They internalize that something is wrong with them and that they deserve this kind of abuse, and then resign themselves to their fate. Targets/victims may not reach their potential in their personal or professional lives because they always have to stand in the shadow of their abuser(s) – and that is all they have ever known in the case of Narcissistic parents. They learn to live in the shadows without knowing why – and that why is the debasing control from abuse at the hands of a Narcissist

Narcissists will ALWAYS manipulate in a manner to control their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything – this is chaos and crazy making meant to confound their target’s normal thoughts. This can be very evident at times, because it is a downright shocking situation and we have all been there shaking our heads in disbelief at what they have said or acted on. It can also be very subtle with many small manipulative and dehumanizing actions that disassemble the target/victim’s well-being slowly and methodically. BUT it is so perplexing that people actually disbelieve their very ears and more than often we dismiss it and justify it by thinking it is anger, a bad day, insecurity, jealousy, or they have some wrong information about us – BUT it is constant and consistent behavior meant to debase us. Unfortunately, we spend our time trying to fix the situation and avoiding the truth that this is just one of their tools in their vast arsenal of control and ultimately ABUSE. Little by little this behavior erodes the target/victim’s self-worth and creates an almost obsessive situation where the target/victim is constantly trying to avoid the conflict, keeping things peaceful, and walking on eggshells – that is really fear and so unhealthy and dangerous to deal with on a daily basis. There is never the opportunity for a “healthy self” in this relationship and you become a casualty of the constant psychological terrorism or abuse – essentially you become a shell of a person.

OK – YOU CAN BEAT THIS! You have the ability to unlearn what the Narcissist has conditioned you into believing about yourself. That old saying “A horse can be led to water but they can’t be made to drink it” – well lets change that a little bit and say “A horse can be led to water and taste it, drink it and swallow it – BUT it can stop drinking it, walk completely away from it and not only find a better watering hole BUT greener pastures and other fully functioning horses.” You have to do this so that you aren’t stuck in a fog of lies, manipulation, and fear that will only guide your life in a negative and destructive direction. What the Narcissist has internalized in you can be EXTERNALIZED. Move yourself away from any level of this abuse by knowing that you and only you can change and find normality and the reality of a better life. Say no to the Narcissist, say no to the messages in your head that say you are not worthy, SAY NO TO THE ABUSE. Those negative words and debasing actions are only a curse/spell that the Narcissist casts out on the world and it can’t stick if the Narcissist doesn’t have you under his/her spell. Once you have the education that enables you to see the very truth about this abusive Narcissist, you can remove yourself and break the spell. You have the power to govern your own will and what you will do with your life. You have to take all of that power AWAY from the Narcissist and give it back to yourself. Yes of course no-contact – but when you have to have minimal contact use the truth to really see the evil that is standing in front of you and disengage in your mind from any thought, words or actions they send your way because they are like bullets from a gun and meant to harm you! Greg

THE BIG SPIN! Narcissists are MASTERS at putting a spin on the truth, using extreme manipulation, and playing mind games to get what they want from people and life.

THE BIG SPIN! Narcissists are MASTERS at putting a spin on the truth, using extreme manipulation, and playing mind games to get what they want from people and life. You can NEVER trust what they say – and when they do speak BELIEVE THE DIRECT OPPOSITE!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists are masters at putting a spin on the truth, using extreme manipulation, and playing mind games to get what they want. They play to win and get the rewards from the investment they put into scamming a new person, then it is a matter of functionality and survival in their world to avoid detection of who and what they really are so they destroy all the evidence or basically the person they abused! That in itself says a lot because they obviously know what they do is WRONG! They are VERY poor losers and if they don’t completely win they will react in a fit of rage and terrorize the person they are already victimizing. The only way for any person to win is to not play in any of their games once you realize the truth of how disordered and dangerous they are. Unfortunately, they don’t play fair in the first place and they trick you in and drag you into their delusional game!

Everyone to the Narcissist is in reality their opponent, UNFORTUNATELY nobody realizes that they are playing a game with the Narcissist and that is where the Narcissist gains the advantage or has the upper hand! The Narcissist is playing this game for themselves, so they can deflect you from seeing the reality or avoiding the truth about what they really are – they DO NOT self-reflect, they self-DEFLECT. They do this with the expectation that they won’t have to take responsibility for their behavior. Narcissists do not take responsibility for their own actions instead they deflect by blaming, shaming, projection, denial, etc. You will do what you have always done-forgive the Narcissist, make excuses for the Narcissist’s behavior, claim the Narcissist couldn’t help themselves because of a bad day, or justifying their destructive behaviors through your empathy and love AND that will ultimately fail you completely.

You bend and bend until you almost snap in half when you try to give them the benefit of the doubt. It keeps you in a cycle that deflects away from their reality and distorts YOUR reality in turn and puts the burden onto and into you and becomes your new normal. You never have an opportunity to be an individual, nor see how they are actually pulling the wool over your eyes because they pile level upon level of confusion and diversion onto and into you. They are betraying every aspect of your life and you are too busy babysitting their every whim and trying to fix things once again. They know how to confound and confuse their targets/victims, as well as condition and manipulate them through their temper tantrums, managing them down, or punishing and silencing if you don’t play exactly the way they want you to! You HAVE to stop wanting to play the ‘game’ with them and eventually they WILL run away to find a new playmate and that is the miracle that will actually save your life.

The Narcissist is a master of FAKE emotions and empathy with a phony façade and life to match. They appear to take you in, care about you, understand everything you are experiencing, and they appear to genuinely put themselves in your shoes to understand “YOU” with acceptance and unconditional love. They observe and react with that resounding smile, approval, and unconditional care and love. All of this causes you to let your guard down and truly believe there is a genuine give-and-take in your relationship and a love that exists that is just for you. It is overwhelming to meet someone that is so much like you, so connected to your thoughts, and so reactive to meet your every need that you BELIEVE in them completely. BUT once they gain your trust they will pounce on you. They wait until you are perfectly comfortable with them and your guard is completely down or even perhaps having a low moment in your life and now the time has come to manage you down and to control you to manage the business at hand or secure the supply they came for.

What would you do if you were completely void of love and empathy, how would you interact in the normal world? Without emotions or the ability to bond you would have to control people to trap them into your defective world so you could essentially take what you need that you can’t accomplish on your own. Narcissists perfectly execute an emotional and psychological attack on their victim because their purpose is to wear you down, to humiliate you, and make you feel small and inferior and dependent on them OR again control. A Narcissist is not going to allow you to have feelings for YOURSELF and they are going to make you believe you are selfish and wrong for wanting ANY attention. There is no such thing as YOUR needs or individuality and they basically erase your personality bit by bit. They want what they want and they have invested their time to mold you into a viable source of supply. Narcissists do not tolerate individuality because people are objects for them to use as they see fit. There is nothing more here than their agenda coming to fruition and you have to understand that THIS IS ALL IT WAS. Predator after their prey using camouflage to hide the truth to trap you – or that façade and mask. The simple truth is that a person that cannot relate to emotions or empathy cannot relate to another human being in the smallest way.

A Narcissist ALWAYS loves to make you feel that YOU are crazy, especially if you try to confront them, make them accountable, bring up past issues or behaviors, or expose them when they are doing something appalling or lying. Basically YOU are told that you have an over active imagination, you don’t know what you are talking about, they have NO idea what you are talking about, or that you are simply making things up to cause problems. They’ll tell you that it is obvious that YOU are the one who is crazy (and tell you that everyone around you agrees with them about you being crazy). FURTHERMORE, they will claim not to remember any of these events, even flatly deny that they ever happened, and will NEVER accept the possibility that they might have forgotten. Your perceptions of normalcy and reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your own intuition, memory, processing your thoughts, or reasoning, AND constantly confused. The Narcissist is a master at spinning everything and deflecting to remain in control and keeping you vulnerable!

The Narcissist will up the game to include destroying your soul, your ego, your accomplishments and any belief system you have to completely manage you down to feeling worthless. The way the game is played is for them to try to turn everything about you and everything you do, into a complete failure. The Narcissist has the reasoning of a child – but they act out like a controlling, demanding, and demeaning parent (more so toxic). No matter what your real age, you are never allowed to reach a viable emotional age with them especially one that allows for your individuality or growth with them. You will always be treated like a stupid child, a bad child, a silly child, etc., and you will always be reprimanded and put in your place to honor them completely and NEVER question them! Consistent managing down is what all of this amounts to!

Everything with a Narcissist is competitive and every life situation is a competition that requires “one-upmanship”, to beat their opponent. It always involves a “payoff” for the Narcissist that is ALWAYS about them getting something or extorting everything they can and devaluing and hurting you somehow too. They feel superior within their ability to con, control, and destroy. Again, their delusional world is like a battleground with them against us because everybody and everything is a threat – be it real or perceived. They keep track of real AND imaginary things you do, have done, or might do. It is a reactionary relationship with them, BUT you are the one that always has to explain your every word and action to them and made accountable when you are not serving their every whim and need!

Lastly what supports their lies is complete DENIAL. It is important to recognize that the Narcissist will never acknowledge that any games are being played AND the important point here is that it is up to YOU to stop playing. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to fix them, the situation or heal them! You will always be told you are wrong, they are right, and that you are in need of some serious help. You can’t get them to acknowledge or take responsibility for their words or actions because they will always say they didn’t do it or it never happened. They have to or else face real accountability and retribution for their actions and then their gig would be up, so they deflect with more lies, more manipulation, and punishing, silencing and abusing you! They will destroy you completely to avoid exposure.

The main point here is that what I described is a Narcissist and how they abuse. They are not fully functioning human beings. They do not connect on ANY level with human beings except to use them as supply. We can describe this as a superficial relationship, but it goes far beyond superficial because it is a toxic and destructive relationship that will completely drain you and disable you and your belief system. Your responsibility is to get your ‘ah ha’ moment and understand that they are the defective ones that emotionally and psychologically inflicted some deep wounds that have severely affected your psyche. BUT that is where you start on your road to recovery. There is another type of healing that involves your personal emotional wounds that the Narcissist sourced out and used against you. Healing involves you and only you closing all of those wounds permanently through your personal journey or recovery!

Whatever that Narcissist has said to you that has deeply hurt you or wounded you is NOT a real observation, it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you and define you. They were so supportive in the beginning, but that was also to gain your trust and the knowledge of your weaknesses to use against you. You opened up your amazing heart along with all of your wounds and gave them the opportunity to find any and all of your weaknesses AND they were looking for them. They DO NOT have the ability to understand pain, sorrow, being vulnerable or apply empathy – they only want access to your weaknesses to use them against you or to CONTROL you.

This is what we have to heal within us or those weaknesses that they have constantly pointed out because they are real and within us and now they have made them come to the surface so much so that we lost our worth and trusting our own reality. They are master game players and used their keen perception to always be on top of their game. They took these weaknesses and embellished them to even make you think you were mentally ill and even fear yourself and your way of thinking. It is a very sick game that these Narcissists play, BUT it is a game that requires other players and you have to totally opt out of participating! They will attack you at any and every level they can, even making fun of you physically and they can be VERY cruel! You will ask why and how can they do this – well again because they have no empathy, no care, no connection, no bond, no morals, and no love for any other human being or they are personality disorder AND they were after something – that is your complete answer. Please internalize and KNOW this! ALSO, please understand that you still ARE that amazing person and this was situational or abuse and you will recover with knowledge, education and support. No/minimal contact to start out on your journey to recovery! Greg

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