Abuse creates a fog around our hearts and minds – one so thick that we can barely see reality.

We weren’t in denial in the beginning we were tricked, conned, manipulated, etc., to believe that we had some sort of a real connection but here is the point we also never realized this in its entirety while we were with them and WHY? Well because the agenda of the Narcissist was not apparent, and the manipulation was subtle and consistent. We were always drawn back into the abuse through Narcissistic magic or trickery. Day by day we were managed down more and more through the Narcissist’s vast arsenal of tools to the point that we were not in our original state of conscious thinking – our reality was altered by our perpetrator, so they could harvest us as supply!

Who could EVER believe the truth that presented itself to us and lives in us about this abuse and how someone just used/abused us for the time they did and how they were inclined to destroy us as well. It is still hard for me to accept, but I know better because I lived through it and the truth is right there to back it up. What I can’t believe is that there are human beings capable of this and as a normal person with empathy it is not within my realm to understand them! That says a great deal within my words. If after experiencing and recovering from this abuse – it is still hard for a person of empathy to get it completely. But what I learned is that I don’t have to ‘get it’ so completely, I just have to understand it and accept the truth to forget about OR better yet completely discard that Narcissist because they are what they are and that HAS to be enough. Knowing and believing this enables you to move forward and work on everything else that involves getting healthy. Don’t waste your time on getting into their heads, or trying to understand them, or trying to fix THEM because you are only denying the truth YOU ALREADY KNOW! It is now time for you to get past this psychological abuse, so you can enter back into a great world feeling healthy! It is a necessity to focus on yourself! NEVER believe that they are a viable human being that will see the light and treat you with empathy, respect, or love! NO/MINIMAL CONTACT!

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

When you have a relationship with a Narcissist you will ALWAYS be admonished, silenced, punished and BLAMED – and eventually discarded!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

Being a victim of Narcissistic abuse is a severely traumatic life experience that you are probably dealing with by yourself. If the perpetrator is a person you loved, admired, or looked up to as a role model, or a wife, husband, parent, guardian, friend, relative, etc., you don’t understand the reality or severity of the situation because most of the time you loved the person, trusted them and believed in them. You went the extra mile for them as well as giving up so much of yourself in doing so. If your professional life is entangled with a Narcissistic boss, co-worker, etc., makes getting out of the abusive relationship extremely challenging, especially when this is your livelihood, or your bread and butter. It most situations where a Narcissist is connected to your life it is difficult to just pick up, leave, and start over again because there is so much involved before you can do this.

It may seem frightening and insurmountable after the time you have invested, and you may be tempted to put up with more chaos as an attempt to defuse the situation and save what mattered so much to you in any of the relationships you were entangled in. BUT there is nothing even near to a normal or real relationship with a Narcissist, and you can only learn this the hard and painful way if you stay or repeat the same steps you have in the past with them. There is no healthy give-and-take relationship with a Narcissist, only a manipulative, crippling, and subjugating relationship from a demanding, exploitative, and insensitive type of taking what the Narcissist wants to fulfil their needs only. People are only objects that a Narcissist uses. We are NOT objects nor can we ever redefine our roles in life to accept such a role with another human being.

It is especially difficult to accept this when your interactions with them are at the personal, professional, familial or intimate level. How much of yourself, your work, or your aspirations, do you have to sacrifice in order to save your life and your psyche from the destructive assaults from your Narcissistic abuser? Sometimes you have to lose all of it and start over again from scratch. As horrendous as that may sound, the bottom line is that you will achieve freedom and gain your belief system and sanity back and that basically describes saving your own life! What a horrendous step to take in life or basically having to run to save yourself from something so destructive that it can literally destroy your sanity – and especially if it is a person you trusted and loved like a spouse, partner, parent, family member, or even a close friend. This is a magnanimous layer that is added to our recovery process – have to basically see our world destroyed around us and having to reconstruct that world as part of recovery and healing.

Don’t try to fight a war that you can’t win because a Narcissist lacks any and all morals and they abide by no rules nor are they fair. You can’t engage in reality with a person that lacks a conscience, morals, emotions and expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure. Narcissists have no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their mindless and thoughtless approach to other people especially if it is “you.” They already have a mechanism in place that has been dumping that shame since they were very young. Don’t ever underestimate their depravity as it concerns their lack of respect for life and people because they will abuse anyone that stands in their way, even their own biological children or ANY family member. They will go to ANY lengths to destroy your integrity to protect themselves from exposure – so yet another layer is added to recovery – fear of retribution and the damage they will cause to your life.

So how could you have been such a fool? The painful realization often comes with the disbelief of just how could we have not realized that he/she was like this? That’s another thing that educating yourself about this disorder will teach you very clearly. The Narcissistic personality is especially good at being pathologically deceptive and manipulative at simulating genuine affection, emotions, caring AND even love to gain our trust so they can essentially use us and abuse us. In reality, the Narcissist is only capable of caring about themselves. The Narcissist can BASICALLY imitate emotions or that they care about you or even love you as long as he/she continues to see you reflect extreme adulation and admiration for them, which is usually in the beginning of your personal relationship with them and that traps you into the cycle of abuse with them. Underneath all of that is a delusional and out-of-control amoral person that lacks respect for life and people and has no conscience about how they debase people to GET WHAT THEY WANT – supply. That is what it all boils down to – we satisfy some sort of need, but they have many needs, and many people they use to satisfy their immense needy void hole. You thought this was a primary relationship with them and it never was because your role with them in any relationship is to serve their immediate needs.

The perceptions of the Narcissist are truly their reality. If you look back you have never been able to change or influence ANY of their perceptions because they got louder and completely ignored your every word to the contrary concerning any of their delusional outbursts, especially if it concerned their own accountability or the truth about them. If you couldn’t effect change with them living in a close relationship, then don’t waste your time and effort ever trying AGAIN. They live in their own world and no matter how false or unreal it appears to you, for them it is reality because it has to be for them to survive among us. As soon as a Narcissist begins to perceive that you have a voice of your own and a right to existence, the trouble starts and then there is no return because there is no possibility of two way communication with them because they are omnipotent and need to control everything and everyone in their environment to maintain that facade. The more you push your individualism forward the more resistance from the Narcissist. Their façade is impenetrable and has to be or they would self-destruct if people knew the truth.

Lies and deceit are as natural to the Narcissist’s world as is breathing. A Narcissist has the amazing ability with their ‘shrewd deception’ to make ‘others’ believe their lies EVEN when they fly right in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Heck they are so smooth at their LIES that the Narcissist also believes THEIR own lies. Mine could have been given an honorary PHD in lies, and lying! Take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie, or as my friend once told me “if they are breathing they are lying!”

It is extremely painful, to come to the conclusion that people who have meant a great deal in your personal (or professional) life can ACTUALLY destroy you and you have to disengage with them completely to literally save your life. Sit back for a moment and really think about that and it is a hard pill to swallow. It is EXTREMELY painful, but the alternative is only to continue the descent along the dark path of self-destruction. Stop it all and finally break the chain that keeps you tied to an abuser. Everything you have built with this person was done in vain, and if you keep believing or buying into the games/lies with the hope to catch a glimpse of what things were like when you lived in the illusion they fabricated for you, you will only be drawn back into the abuse over and over again. The promises like a life journey together or sharing the joys of REAL love, a future, intellectual fulfillment, dreams, goals, etc., were part of the abuse to only control you and keep you chained to the abuse.

One day you will see the complete picture and it will never make what they did better, but you will understand because you have finally been educated into what they are and what YOU aren’t. A Narcissist is a dead giveaway in the way they create their delusional turmoil after each and every departure from one of their con jobs or relationships as the Narcissist prefers to call them. While they are running away like the thieves they really are with their tails between their legs, they are really running away from the truth of who and what they are. We are the truth they are running from as they are throwing lies back at us in an effort to smear our integrity and destroy us. They never can or will admit to what they have done, instead they will always slither into someone else’s life to find shelter, create a new family, and take what they can emotionally and physically. In the end you were still the amazing and loving person you ALWAYS were and that is what sent the Narcissist running for their life – YOU WERE JUST TOO STRONG for them and saw right through their façade! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

The truth about these people (abusers) that we cared for, friended, or loved.

There is absolutely no motivation on the Narcissists part as far as any concern with anyone else’s well-being – we are only a functional object to supply their every need. just as we would be to a mosquito or a tick – just the truth! This is what makes them dangerous and yes even defined as cruel, dangerous, or whatever word describes a person that does NOT have anyone’s well-being as part of their connection with them. They are unsafe for human interaction.

Malignant Narcissism isn’t about an everyday variety of selfishness or just dealing with a jerk, but better described as a pathological and all-consuming selfishness from a personality disordered individual. They create an image or a fake reality to lure us into their world and take everything they can from us. It is a selfishness that will destroy anything that gets in its way if it is not served completely and fully.

We are only objects to the Narcissist and we are not permitted to have needs or individuality – we are there for one reason and that is to serve them. They refuse (again, conscious choice) to see our humanity and the basic rights that come along with that humanity. We are nothing more than an object for their use. They abide by no law earthly or heavenly. When done, they cast you/us aside. People who believe that the Narcissist cares, loves, or has emotions are tragically deceived. The Narcissist has vast reservoirs of love, compassion and concern for THEMSELVES – but NEVER for anyone else. Their world is a self-consumed world of take what they can – they are self-serving to say the least.

The malignant Narcissist is absolutely incapable of the true emotion of love for any other human being period. You can never successfully deal with a Narcissist if you believe they care or love you in any real way. They need and use us, but need is not love. A Narcissist’s. need’ is the need that will take and take and take with no concern as to whether their taking is destroying you or even killing you – it is all consuming. Beneath their thin veneer is the reality of a non-functioning human that uses us as a host to take away our life force. They will even use their own biological children as supply and inflict harm onto them as well. We must ALWAYS remind ourselves of this truth so that we are no longer deceived by their fake charm – because it will always put us in the way of harm. No/minimal contact to end this toxic connection.

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The whole world is a stage for the Narcissist to act out their every story and we all have our roles to make their story work for THEM.

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

The most important aspect of understanding a Narcissist and this abuse is how they objectify people and put them in a useful place to serve their every need. This can be anything from the person that is in a romantic relationship with them, friends, a co-worker, a minion to support the Narcissist’s lies, parents, biological children, their ex’s or basically EVERYONE serves a purpose to keep that false mask firmly attached to the Narcissist’s head. We are players in an elaborate stage production that the Narcissist writes and rewrites called “My Delusional Life of Lies.”

YES, we do all have our separate roles! Some of us have primary roles, secondary roles and some have bit parts. But none of us are looked upon as anything more than a reflection of the Narcissist’s needs and we are used to embellish a convincing and FALSE self for the Narcissist to wear, as well as serve them. They really do make the most of their delusional needs with outrageous lies, manipulation, betrayal and the whole nine yards. If we don’t play these roles in the exact manner that the Narcissist basically demands of us, we are bullied back into our role or abandoned from the elaborate stage production and even punished. There are always new players added to the production as the Narcissist sees fit, or for whatever opportunity may arise that serves the Narcissist’s delusional world. There is no commitment to any one person at any time or love in the least bit EVEN though it seems that way. The Narcissist is playing everyone from the very moment they meet or come in contact with them AND until the Narcissist sees no further need for this person in their life. YES, this does include having multiple relationships as well. Unfortunately, we are always the last to know because that mask is firmly cemented onto the Narcissist with abundant charm and LIES that are used to divert from MANY lies, betrayal, and accountability.

This elaborate production runs and is even ‘taken on the road’ with the Narcissist EVERYWHERE as long as it draws huge crowds and pays the Narcissist’s bills (extorting us) and supplies their needs and wants. Once the Narcissist is bored with their production, or the players quit, they completely move on and re-write a new stage production for themselves with brand new characters. BUT they make sure to burn down the theater where their last production took place. Narcissists are only as successful as long as they receive supply from a support network. They are not normal functioning human beings, because their out-of-control needs always harm/destroy, cause havoc and chaos to everyone around them. They destroy lives, and even organizations where they may volunteer, work or be any part of.

Narcissists need to find people they can manipulate, even tricking them into falling in love, but the Narcissist’s version of love involves complete compliance, constant support, admiration, loss of freedom, basically doing everything for the Narcissist as well as dealing with their abuse and a neediness that is beyond words, because they are a non-functional and highly disordered person. Your part in this relationship will NEVER be enough and your commitment to them will destroy your self-worth and well-being. There is never enough any one person could do for a Narcissist because the Narcissist can never feel any sort of gratification because they completely objectify all people or basically use them. Their constant need for more and more supply is their addiction and they will trample any person down to get to a new source of that supply WITHOUT a care to the damage they inflict. The basis of any relationship with them is built on all lies and that catches up with them – BUT they will turn the truth around onto their victim and blame and shame them into fear from the retribution of us knowing the real truth about them – that is when that mask comes off and we see the real wrath of this creature. This is the true nature of the Narcissist or a creature that is disconnected from people in this world because they feel omnipotent or rule supreme over everybody else and their connection to any of us is born ONLY OUT OF THEIR NEEDS and not ours. What else could an empty soul offer to any of us if they have no real emotions or empathy.

What this boils down to is that they are by far delusional and dysfunctional and IN DENIAL of just how disordered they are. As long as they have new lies and new supply, they shore up their delusions and then move on with a trail of destruction behind them. As nasty as their discard was AND the smear campaign, they are literally running from us to avoid exposure. They are basically cowards that can and will destroy people with hideous lies.

I read a post where a member asked what we actually grieve and that really struck a chord with me. Yes, what do we grieve – love? Well there never was love because we were tricked/conned into this and then discarded like a bag of garbage left on the curb. Do we throw out the memories too? Yes, we have to because there were never any real memories, only extreme manipulation and lies to support the ‘big lie and con job.’ What about the biological children and the many years an ex-spouse put into the family. This is the abhorrent reality of this abuse. It is not simply emotional abuse because it shatters families, people, dreams, goals, and normality. This abuse is never singular because it does involve families, friends, co-workers and anyone else close to the target/victim. So, what then do we grieve? Well we deal with a great deal of psychological/emotional damage from a disordered creature that betrayed us in such a horrendous manner so perhaps we grieve the immense loss of a place we once had in life where we felt trust and love because that is now shattered and we are left traumatized trying to believe if we will ever find that place again after this sadistic betrayal that was intentionally inflicted on our lives. What else is there but the truth and it is beyond our capacity to accept any of this yet alone find closure to something we can barely understand or accept because of our natural empathy and love for life. This is exactly what we have to overcome and that is what our recovery and healing is born from or accepting the truth through a strong education to understand that this was abuse as hard as it may be to do so and situational. In other words, this abuse does not define us – it was inflicted on us!

Their love never existed it was only the reflection of us and our goodness that they mimic back to us in a manipulating manner to keep us believing in them, so they can take more and more. Their actions are no different than physically abusing us. Whether it is a punch to the face or a punch to our mind they are hideous, lying, and destructive creatures. It will take a long time to get past this damage – this is true BUT you can and will heal from this. A hit to the mind is a deep and damaging wound that many do not see because it is not a physical wound like a black eye. For the victim it is so hard to comprehend and accept that someone THEY loved could be so malevolent and destructive to actually malign and disable them through a deviant manipulation of using that very love they offered so realistically and unconditionally. In that I have made amends in my life with this abuse, I remember all too well the damage to myself and my family. I learned early on to voice the truth loudly. I rejected the abuse and kept speaking out and will continue to do this to educate people, so they do not stumble through the healing process by not knowing what hit them like I did. This abuse is hideous, and NOBODY deserves the losses associated with what amounts to dehumanization and the complete extortion of lives and love. There is education, strength, and healing in the numbers of people now speaking out about this abuse and a testament to the reality of these abusers and that is where we MUST seek out the support we need. My account as well as everybody else’s story is incredulous, because the damage from this abuse is all too real to individuals and families. Together we have to help each and every person that crosses the threshold of this abuse so that they can recover by understanding the truth and find closure – that is what lights the way for all of us. Together we heal. No/minimal contact to start of a journey to recovery! Greg

How a Narcissist makes the ‘CON’nection and why!

Narcissists know how to introduce themselves and engage with another person in order to find out their personal life story, interests, and ask who they are and what they stand for. They know how to manipulate you right into their lair with CHARM that is really a key to gaining your trust and to open your mind like a safe to find all of the valuables you have hidden away. Many people want affirmation about their beliefs and are open and become vulnerable when another person empathically affirms them or identifies with them as having a strong, common AND personal connection. This is what opens up our minds to the Narcissist, and that is what they aim for, so they can crawl in there and extort everything they can. Their approach is not genius it is a con artists practiced approach to getting at what they want AND it can be very difficult to see through because it involves emotions – something we are all very familiar with and open to.

Narcissists manipulate others via faking emotions which most people read as being authentic and accurate and respond accordingly as normal people do. The use of the right ‘emotion’ at the right time will open up the person emotionally to the detached and cold narcissist who is watching from behind their own fake persona, like a predator stalking prey, waiting to seize the person emotionally. The Narcissist’s emotional camouflage is strikingly convincing and fools most people upon who they use it on.

Narcissist over compensate for their devoid and emotionless self with extreme charm or charisma, AND fake personality – THEY HAVE TO. Narcissists are seductive by nature and disarm others with seductive charm, talk, gestures, and alluring messages designed to appeal to the victim and connect with just what the Narcissist feels the victim needs at that moment. This is what snares the victim, especially when the narcissist comes attractively packaged with a huge bow and bright wrapping paper, unfortunately there is no gift to be found under all that wrapping and huge bow – it is just a bottomless, dark and NEEDY empty box that everyone will fall into once opened.

Narcissists exploit the ‘human condition’ to their own advantage by camouflaging themselves with EMOTIONS to create a connection or an open door to our brain through our emotions and hearts. Manipulation and positive affirmation of our ‘personal beliefs and likes’ induces a form of disorientation that we begin to trust and then our identity or persona is compromised by the Narcissist. It sort of allows us to feel safe, having our values/emotions reinforced and mirrored back to us, and establishes a strong connection and even love. What’s not to trust with having so much in common? Narcissists know that if they can take an individual in this manner and at this level, they have that key to deeply penetrate and manipulate an individual. The victims are hooked and will deeply connect to the narcissistic predator – simply it is the basic’s that we have grown up with and that is trust, falling in love, or loving a person. Unfortunately, it is not by any means normal because it is the act of the Narcissist manipulating us through mirroring to GET US THERE.

The unfortunate aspect with a Narcissist is that there is an agenda that follows where they extort and start attacking our belief system through horrendous acts of betrayal, brain-washing, gas-lighting, lying, stealing, etc., to virtually debase, dehumanize, CONTROL, and destroy us. This is when the Narcissist reveals their pathology and act upon their destructive nature that goes hand in hand with their taking. This is the cycle of their abuse. This is where the Narcissist’s mask slips and the loathsome creature from within rears its fangs and attempts to devour us after they have gained entry into our lives. What is the sense in all of this – none, this describes their personality disorder and their destructive nature. It is not only extorting everything they can but destroying us in the process to protect their identity. This was all just a process of being abused – there was never any connection at a human level – just like a predator stalking, wounding, and killing its prey to feed!

Narcissists do not only use their charm and destructive manipulation only on partners and in relationships, this is their main tool they use in every aspect of their life because they need many forms of supply BECAUSE THEY ARE COMPLETELY EMPTY AND A VOID. They are in a constant ‘manipulation/camouflage’ mode charming every person in every walk of life. Sadly, enough this includes mothers, fathers, and brothers/sisters abusing other family member’s even parents abusing their own biological children. It includes work environments where the Narcissist triangulates other employees to damage the work force as well as bosses doing the same. They may hide behind the camouflage of the local church, a charity, political movement, professional group, or corporation. They may obtain a professional degree and have a career or profession such as a doctor, lawyer, preacher, CEO, or in the psychological field. The world is their playground and we are their toys to play with and throw in a heap.

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Let’s talk about this relationship with a Narcissist or what you believed was love and so real to you!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

THIS was a manufactured love that was meant to completely con you. Your concepts of love that you held near and dear to your heart were mirrored back onto you and your reality was manipulated. You were in love or WHAT YOU BELIEVD WAS LOVE. Love is the strongest human emotion and bond in the world, and you felt it with all of your heart and soul which is not anything out of the ordinary, unique, or wrong because it happens every day. BUT what was unique in your situation is that it was a love that psychologically and emotionally damaged you and your whole belief system as well as your self-worth has been thrown out the window! Your spirit must heal from the loss of love however traditional or non-traditional (abusive) it is/was. Regardless of the abuse your love was still very real to YOU and you are not going to just overcome that emotional bond right away even with a desperate and abusive love from a Narcissist. Grieve it but always with a sense of the reality that this love was administered by a personality disordered and abusive person.

Here’s where the difference comes into the equation. The Narcissist manipulated and controlled you into a state of desperation for their approval or the desire for affirmation and reciprocal love (conditioning) – but they offered it so freely in the beginning stages of this relationship. You worked so much harder for this relationship to become viable and real? You put so much of your time, energy, thoughts, and perseverance into this. And the end result – you were devalued every step of the way AND then discarded. This Narcissist was cruel and made you beg for the smallest bit of validation from them. They forced you into believing that change HAD to start with you OR ELSE. This WAS the most painful experience of your life. Nothing traditional about this!

When they were ‘loving bombing’ you they showered you with their amazing charm, attention, gifts, and compliments. They only pretended to be the love that you dreamt of or exactly morphing into that dream that was personal to you. They were preparing you for the psychological and emotion erosion or ABUSE. Nothing traditional about this!

After the amazing ‘love bombing’ the relationship was always in contention with them, and YOU were always the cause of everything wrong, blamed and made to fell worthless. You always sensed from their words and actions that you might be replaced at any time, AND in reality they were ALWAYS working on replacing you. This disorientated and distorted your mind, SO this Narcissist basically hijacked your every thought, every minute of the day. But think about those thoughts – were they EVER positive, affirming or nourishing? No, they were disorienting and negative to constantly keep you off balance and questioning your worth and reality. A Narcissist creates these unpredictable situations that becomes your new normal or reality with lies, games, gas-lighting, manipulation, betrayal and every other tool they use to abuse their target/victims. Nothing traditional about this!

This was a VERY unhealthy lifestyle and not anything near a viable relationship. It is oppression, desperation, and sadistic. Your strong sentiments toward solving all the confusion and mystery around them as well as proving yourself over and over again constantly played with and tricked your mind into believing that there was something so powerful about them that kept you hanging on for life and stuck in the horrible maze of their abuse. It is always a high adrenalin rush with them so when they create their chaos and/or discard you your world seems to fall completely apart. It is pure panic, devastation, and traumatizing! Nothing traditional about this!

Narcissists always destroy the integrity of their last target/victim. They are claiming that you are the abuser or mentally ill AND the victim is the one left broken and traumatized from all of the abuse. Narcissists will always enlist their entourage or minions to carry out their message that YOU have hurt them in every way possible. Meanwhile the Narcissist has sailed off in the sunset with the new and perfect ‘love of their life.” With a normal relationship both parties usually have a mutual respect and don’t harbor the hate that a Narcissist does when parting ways. NOR do they play games like a high school kid trying to inflict jealousy or intentionally being cruel. Nothing traditional about this!

They accuse you of doing EXACTLY what they have done to you – NARCISSISTIC PROJECTION at its best. But if they were a REAL target/victim of this abuse they would not be unaffected by it NOR moving right on to a new ‘love’ – instead they would be traumatized. The true target/victim exhibits the trauma from this abuse and has to spend many years recovering. Narcissists only use their stories about us to seduce and lure in new ‘supply’ with their ‘woe-be-me’ or pity me approach. So be assured that Narcissists do not spend a single second recovering from the ‘love’ they proclaimed, or the “abuse” they inflicted onto you! They were loved unconditionally, cared for, respected, given compassion, and nurtured by you/us (target/victim) so what in all of that would they grieve? They are sadistic and cruel to act out in the manner that they do to good and loving people. It is horrendous to ABUSE people, but how delusional and cruel to add another layer to the abuse by accusing the very person they abused (us) of abusing them (the Narcissist.) Nothing traditional about this!

We DIDN’T fall in love with the abuse, we were seduced into this abusive relationship and manipulated into a role by a fraud and a highly disordered and sadistic Narcissist with an agenda! So the truth or the crash course to understanding our role. The Narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche and also penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques – brainwashing us every step of the way to gain our trust so we BELIEVE in them – then they can manage us down and control us to ‘get’ supply. They are seriously like a virus that establishes itself within its victims. Their words and manipulative actions echo through our psyche and mind, slowly but surely disabling every aspect of our reality with the sole intent to control and extort us.

Recovery is a process that demands that we separate ourselves from the Narcissist that is alive and living inside of us as the result of living or being with that Narcissist. The Narcissist has crippled you (us) and assigned us a role as they do to every target/victim. We HAD to develop coping mechanisms with him/her. EVERY day we were forced (controlled) to “walk on eggshells” and develop our own false self to support their every need. It is nothing even comparable to BEING a Narcissist it is just defining what we become and that is a servant or Narcissistic supply. Where you are at today and how you are feeling is a direct result of the elaborate arsenal of tools that the Narcissist uses to extract SUPPLY, and the end result is all of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you (us) by the Narcissist. It is NOT about YOU as a person, how bad you were, or how unworthy YOU were, or that your love was bad or any other negative message this Narcissist planted in your head or heart!

Thus, great efforts are required to abandon a Narcissist (heart, soul and mind) and physical separation is only the first step. Next emotional and psychological separation is also required and that is the catch 22 in our recovery. It requires establishing a new reality that puts all of our old beliefs about this relationship to rest forever. We can abandon a Narcissist physically, but our psyche is slow to abandon the Narcissist. The abuse is lurking there rendering its existence at every level of our reality. It is twisting and distorting our every thought as we reach out to find closure in response to the many years we were with them. The Narcissist’s words and actions live within us as an inner, remorseless voice, lacking any compassion and empathy for our real being. The Narcissist is there in spirit long after he/she has vanished physically. This is the last bow of the Narcissist, their final curtain call, the proxy abuse that has to be purged out of us.

This is what defines the non-traditional relationship and breakup with these creatures. It is not a straightforward recovery, but instead one that requires a strong dose of education as well as a strong arm to pull the target/victim out of darkness and despair with therapy, support and all the help that is available. You are NOT just grieving a relationship you are grieving the destruction from abuse! No/minimal contact! Greg

The real perspective!

Realization and perspective are the MOST DIFFICULT aspects of this abuse because you must accept what happened and that is so painful because you must internalize this knowledge and act upon it. Here is the thing, this knowledge is basically new to you, even though you have suspected that there is something terribly wrong with them. What is new is that you totally realize that there is a name to this and you have been abused by a Narcissist and NONE of this is your fault – but now you must gain TRUE perspective and act on it to move forward.

The process of recovery is even new as far as it concerns where we look for help and WHO we go to. Our stories are incredulous, and people don’t seem to understand, possibly NOT want to hear them, believe them, or help us more than a pat on the back. This chaotic creature is already in a new relationship (whatever type it may be friendship, etc.) and flaunting it in your face. You are finding out that your good name and integrity has been smeared to the very people that mean the most to you AND GUESS WHAT – some even believe the lying Narcissist because he/she has so much knowledge of your personal world and is now using it against you. THIS NARCISISST IS SAYING THAT YOU ABUSED THEM. You feel like everywhere you turn there is more and more damage, and more and more things you don’t understand.

Could someone be this evil and every minute of every day you spent with them was all about this abuse and using you as supply? Yes, yes, yes and a big resounding YES TO THIS! You feel foolish and even stupid as if you were just that dumb. It is like a snowball that turns into an avalanche and it buries you because it is abuse at so many levels that digging out seems to be an impossible feat. I hated saying the word ABUSE or feeling I was a VICTIM because it described me as being weak. BUT I am here to tell you and now shout it out that I was a target/victim of abuse and it was internalizing this very fact that was my turning point and realizing just how pathetic and perverted this person is/was to live in this manner, so much so that human life means NOTHING to them.

It isn’t just about the emotional attachment you had at whatever level with this person, now it is about accepting that you cared for or loved a real-life monster. Somehow that just doesn’t fix/end the emotional attachment that you built up over time that you thought was real, nor does it help you understand this about face rejection and the hate that is now being spewed out at you. How do you legitimately acknowledge this to yourself, yet alone to the world so that you can find support to get past this? You are frozen in this cycle of abuse and this is exactly where that Narcissist wants you to be.

WHY – because they are delusional, disordered, toxic, and abusive to ALL people in their world. This works for them and they don’t care because they lack the internal mechanisms to do so. Leaving you wounded, lost and confused helps them escape unscathed. You only have to ask yourself if you would ever act out against people that care for or love you – people like your own family, biological children, or anyone for that matter. Your answer is NO, and the reason why is because you are normal, you love unconditionally, and you have empathy and would never intentionally harm a person. This is totally out of your realm of normality, acceptance, and understanding.

You will never be able to completely wrap your head around this as in realistically understanding a Narcissist because your empathy will not allow you to EVER acknowledge this, BUT you MUST still internalize this as the truth to move you to a higher plane. You were always in question of the reality of this toxic relationship but unfortunately the psychological aspect of their abuse brain-washed you to care or love them (and accept the blame for EVERYTHING) and from there you only plugged in the natural aspects of caring/loving another person in a real way. Now the ugly truth has reared its face as it concerns your Narcissist and with everyone they come in contact with or were in contact with – it is THEM and not you that is the issue, and that issue is abuse. Education/knowledge will reinforce what has happened to you and allow you to see that you were not the cause of this abuse. This is a learning process that is laced with anguish and pain, but we have to achieve closure and the only way to do so is to reject/discard this Narcissist so completely to allow the truth to repair everything that has been broken in us. No/minimal contact is essential to do this.

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The manipulation all started on the very FIRST day you met this Narcissist when you experienced that extreme charm that set you up to fall prey to their abusive lifestyle and become the next target or source of supply – but you believed it was love and that started you out on this horrendous journey with a personality disordered Narcissist.

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

When all is said and done, and the Narcissist has moved on AND probably to new supply you are/were left dumbfounded, vulnerable, and in total disbelief because of those emotions that you were tricked into believing were real – or what YOU believed was love! The first thing that comes to mind is going back, fixing this, maybe you can change him/her AND actually the same thoughts that ran through your mind a MILLION times throughout the entire relationship. How many times did the relationship go back and forth like this and you would fight/argue and then within a few days you would get back together again. This process would repeat itself over and over again and it was short lived, and you were devalued, blamed and shamed, and punished even more. It would always come back to this same point.

I would often come out of the fog for a few moments of sanity and ASK myself if I was actually so bad or doing something so wrong then why didn’t this Narcissist just leave and move on. Well because I still had supply potential that this Narcissist wanted and needed and probably there wasn’t new supply to move onto YET! Why didn’t I just realize the truth that I was a good person, and this was total insanity? But I want to make a very valid point here – we were conditioned, manipulated, brainwashed, and hijacked from reality the very first day the Narcissist started with the ‘charm’ or ‘love bombing’ to accept this symbiotic role of abuse with them or a predator after prey! This is a hard concept to accept but once you get to the truth through knowledge, education and the support from other victim’s and survivor’s you will get to your ‘ah ha’ moment!

In the beginning you did not perceive this as ‘love bombing’ or probably even heard of this term before. You were flattered that he/she was paying so much attention to you. There were all of those simple to complex gestures, be it compliments, love notes, many great text messages or phone calls, etc. – but it was as if it were a scene from a romantic movie. Guess what, basically that is all it was, a fictional scene with a role that was written personally for you by this Narcissist that had no basis of reality. It was purely fictional to move you in a manner to continue to watch and allow the movie to play out in your life so the Narcissist could receive the big payoff for their personal investment in you or to use you as the next source of supply.

A little bit more clarity about this ‘love bombing.’ The Narcissist was constantly assessing you and then mirrored back to you everything that was positive about you and it felt like you had so much in common and you felt a bond. The truth is that he/she was reflecting back onto and into you exactly what you wanted or NEEDED to hear so you would believe in their façade which was really a trap to con you into their agenda! The Narcissist was grabbing all of your attention and focusing it right back onto you. If he/she didn’t gain this type of control over you then you might not be his/her most viable source of supply and they did it quickly once they assessed you as a good and viable source of supply. Again this is purely manipulation to gain your complete trust and dependence on him/her and to control you.

Think about it in simpler and non-clinical terms. Love bombing really isolates you and it doesn’t give you much time to think about anything but them or what is happening. It hides the real truth about them and within a very short period of time, it takes ALL of your time and attention away from your life in general and other people AND again isolates you with all the amazing attention. It moves the relationship forward without giving you enough real time to assess the whole situation. It is just too good to be true so you go with it because it resembles that fairy tale prince/princess charming or something very familiar to that dream of meeting your soul mate!

It is really mind control with an agenda. Wow he/she really likes me and is this the ‘real’ love of my life? We have SO much in common so how could this be anything but the real thing! You feel like you know him/her so completely perhaps in another life? This person really LOVES ME! It blinds you in a manner that reality is thrown out the window. This is what fairytales are made of and WOW can it be real? Well it was just a fairytale but with a horrendous ending!

It is important that a Narcissist move the relationship forward very quickly otherwise you might see the many red flags or all the negativity and destruction from their past lives. You might not notice that he/she is basically shunned by their biological family, has many enemies, doesn’t actually have a job, etc. You don’t see the real monster under that thin veneer of goodness or mask that they wear so well. They were deflecting from the real truth to make you their next target/victim. Remember this is an investment for them and they need their sources of supply to survive so they HAVE to be this good!

Their motive is always to control. So, they are very effective with this love bombing or ‘charm’ in a very short period of time. It gives you the impression that you are falling in love OR are in love and you have met your soul mate. Nope it is ownership and this Narcissist has isolated you from people to hide the very truth of how disordered they are as well as their agenda to extort what they can from you by making you their primary supply. You want to pursue this grand relationship and who wouldn’t want to? This was/is someone that you feel is so special to you and it feels like the real thing!

With this abuse you have to pull it back to the beginning to understand that this love was the biggest manipulation that started you off in the cycle of this abuse. That emotional bond that the Narcissist created and tendered with you was their most horrendous tool to achieve their agenda to extort you as their newest source of supply and KEEP YOU THERE. You must pull it back to the day this all started and realize what an amazing person you were then and STILL are now. You walked into this trap with empathy, unconditional love and goodness and those qualities were disabled in you by this abuse. You have to empower yourself with the fact that you still are that amazing person and you were psychologically terrorized and that has traumatized you, your belief systems, your self-esteem and your whole life. You have to realize that this was situational, and you are NOTHING even near to what this Narcissist reduced you to believing through the managing down or the devaluation. You must fight to repurpose yourself back into the world without allowing that Narcissist to live inside of your head and heart forever. Evict that Narcissist from your head once and for all because they will only abuse you more. This was a disaster in your life and the trauma is real, but it can also be desensitized through the healing process. There is nothing to look back on once you get to the real truth that you were dealing with a personality disordered person as in fixing the relationship or helping them. You MUST now look forward and FIX yourself by purging the horrendous messages and actions out of your head and heart with the truth. Get back to the real world you once knew – you CAN do this because you are stronger than you know. Start with no/minimal contact for the clarity to begin the journey! Greg

A Narcissist confounds and confuses our thoughts and make us feel wrong for something we didn’t even do – the blame and shame diversion that manages a victim down to feel wrong and worthless and over time erodes their reality!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

There are many ways that a Narcissist will confound or confuse your thought processes, isolate you, and hold you prisoner without that Narcissist even being in your presence. The Narcissist creates negative messages that trap us in our own heads. Be it raging, accusing, silencing, and distancing themselves from you for days, accusing or whatever they decide to throw your way. All of these methods are hideous forms of abuse to debilitate you/us and make you conform to their rules. They bait us with an argument or accusations, this escalates usually with the Narcissist taking it to a higher level of dysfunction, we are left dumbfounded with their hit and run message, and then they go into the punishment mode by running off or silencing us and we are left in shock or traumatized by the nonsense. LASTLY, we are left to our own devices especially when we try to rationalize any of this with our own mind and the ‘poison’ they injected into us.

I was continually baited with nonsensical accusations like being unfaithful (which I was not,) and out of the blue my Narcissist would throw these crazy stories out at me. “I know you are on every dating/sex site looking to hook up!” “I ran into a friend when I was out, and they told me that they KNOW it is you!” Then ‘BAM’ the Narcissist judge would sentence me to 3 days of isolation, confinement, and silencing! The argument escalated without knowing the name of the so-called witness, proof, or the ability for me to speak. I knew the truth as far as it concerned me, but I also knew that when one of these scenarios would arise that my Narcissist was totally irrational and whatever I said or did would only amount to an attack of rage. I was CONDITIONED to accept these insane bouts of crazy making, accusations, and rage as a part of my relationship. What was my rationale in this, or why did I allow the accusations? Well because I couldn’t escape the accusations or the argument? Yes, I did think my Narcissist was insane at times, but I wanted these behaviors to stop and somehow work through these things, so we could get things back on track again. I was the insane one for buying into all of it and trying to apply some sort of rationale or logic! By allowing myself to justify each of these stories and attacks, I was allowing myself to accept the abuse as my normal.

The Narcissist’s actions are meant to leave us in a very confused and vulnerable state, one that makes us challenge our own mind and reality and then pull us further into the abuse or basic brain-washing and conditioning. You/we throw reality, our intuition, and everything that we know to be true right out the window. Your persona has been eroded by the many mixed messages and confusion that a Narcissist creates and has created (in the past) with so many other situations. All of this is compounded by your ‘emotional connection’ to this Narcissist. You feel real emotions from the ‘love bombing’, but the Narcissist doesn’t feel any emotions, nor do they bond with us and this is NOT a conventional relationship by any means and never will! BUT to us this was real, and we believed in it!

The human brain works in a manner that chemicals or endorphins are released in response to something that makes us feel wonderful and that gives us that euphoric feeling. BUT the opposite is true, when the stimulus that made us feel so wonderful is withdrawn from us and the production of the endorphins shuts down causing anxiety and even depression. Just simple Psychology! It is very common that a Narcissist can be so incredibly charming and perfect in the beginning of the relationship (love bombing) and you fall strongly in love. As a result of this AND the Narcissist’s manipulative agenda, you soon become strongly addicted to the immense highs from them and you still want this love available to you. It is an amazing love and MEANT to be that way to start the cycle of abuse! In normal relationships it is reciprocated back and together you BOTH fall deeply in love. But with a Narcissist they dangle this love in front of you and then pull it away and make you basically beg to get it back – they use this love to disable us! The Narcissist is grooming you in this back and forth manner to make you dependent on them. It is dehumanizing how they psychologically abuse a good and loving person to beg for their acceptance and love, especially when they initiated the whole process by tricking us into loving them to only bring us to our knees. There is nothing simple as it concerns being brainwashed or psychologically abused in this manner.

A Narcissist sets this all-in motion with purpose and intent. The confusion keeps you frozen in time, vulnerable and blind to the reality that they are managing you down. This is the method to their madness to keep you/us right there with these distorted messages and traumatized while they are away securing other supply, betraying you or whatever they have going on. You are left isolated and attacking your own reality through their words and actions. They start the abuse and you finish it by going through the motions of blaming yourself and trying to make sense out of this darkness they left you in. REMEMBER in the beginning the Narcissist preceded this horrendous managing down (devaluation) with their ‘love bombing.’ We saw it (and still see it) as a viable relationship, but in fact it was part of their agenda to gain our trust first, then objectify us to harvest supply. An object just needs to be what it is and that is to serve a purpose. If it doesn’t function in this capacity it is replaced. We aren’t objects, but the Narcissist has to manage us down, groom us, control and essentially we become one! Stop believing in what was never really there in the first place. Do whatever it takes to reason this out with the truth that you already know and finally break this cycle of abuse that disabled you and has you down for the count. No/minimal contact to completely stop the madness and abuse! Greg

To put in all in a nutshell Narcissists do NOT respect life or humanity, THEY take advantage of it and we are the instruments they need to do that. So, they (loosely) play the game of life because it offers up GREAT rewards for them – ones they need.

They feel omnipotence when someone feigns over them as if they ARE all that and more. Unfortunately, with a pathological Narcissist they have changed all the ‘normal’ rules/laws in life and created that ‘false self’, lied to themselves and to you to create their magnificent self so they could fit into our normal world that would reject their every perverted action toward man/woman-kind. It is within this huge distortion of lies that we were led into a direction that MADE us believe they were special to us when they are nothing more than the lowest form of life on this planet – or abusers. There is no closure with them because there is no ‘them’ – yes, they duped, took advantage, conned, extorted, manipulated, lied, betrayed, stole from you and every other negative thing that a distorted and toxic abuser would do for THEIR own gain.

Here are some red flags to look out for:

They put on a conspicuous display of goodness and kindness. They craftily damage the images of many people for control. They have a consistent history of past upheavals. They seem to be disliked or even hated for mysterious reasons by people close to them. They exhibit unnatural and perplexing behavior or backward reactions to things. They are control freaks, trampling on other people’s privacy and personal boundaries. They are extremely self-absorbed. They blame many people from their past. They have a hostile reaction to attention and credit given others. They rage very easily. Everything with them seems to be the opposite of what it really is because their thinking is in no way connected to bonding, empathy, caring, or love. The reality is that their controlling mannerisms are operative to serve THEIR exacting needs – so there is a rhyme to their reasoning and that is control and power.

So, what a Narcissist puts into motion is pathologically treating all people like dirt and maligning them behind their backs to control and preemptively destroy them. They are abusers that are pre-loaded with delusion, psychopathy, and abuse. This seriously puts Narcissists in their own special class with psychopaths or like a branch from the same psychopath tree. The class of people who don’t wish you or any other human being any sense of well-being, no matter what or how friendly, caring or loving their façade is, OR how loving and caring you are to them – they are not wired to care. This is the same class of predators as physical, sexual or ANY other kind of abusive predator and Narcissists are just as dangerous. Seriously we MUST internalize that Narcissists really are predatory and dangerous, but many people just don’t appreciate the true meaning or the reality of Narcissistic abuse and basically letting it in one ear and out the other as well as generically throwing the word around!

So, if you get to know a Narcissist’s history, you will usually see a track record of destruction followed by mysterious upheavals in their life – but the Narcissist will lie and blame every other person and citing every possible excuse they can. Narcissists really keep their past separated from the present and the future. Never be silent about this abuse because too many people have been harmed by these creatures – even their own biological children and family so use your voice and get the TRUTH about them out there and save a person. If they are forced out of the darkness, and made accountable for their actions, they would be forced to stop their abuse or run like the cowards they really are. No/minimal contact!

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

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