The most important aspect of ending a relationship with a Narcissist is WORKING ON RECOVERING from the trauma and the pathological actions from this emotional and psychological terrorist. What that means is putting ‘YOU’ first and empowering yourself with knowledge, education, reflection, introspection, and support – as well as having your voice heard and your questions being answered.

The most important aspect of ending a relationship with a Narcissist is WORKING ON RECOVERING from the trauma and the pathological actions from this emotional and psychological terrorist. What that means is putting ‘YOU’ first and empowering yourself with knowledge, education, reflection, introspection, and support – as well as having your voice heard and your questions being answered. It is NOT something that you “just get over,” that is why it is called a ‘recovery process’ and time is a major part of the process to get there. Never let anyone diminish your recovery by telling you to “just get over it” or “YOU need to move on!” Do NOT invalidate YOUR needs at this important time – THIS was abuse so remove any and all of those naysayers from the process completely!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

We don’t JUST move on! We talk and voice our concerns because we first need to be heard, we educate ourselves about this abuse so we KNOW what we are dealing with, we reach out for sound support, we strive DAILY to move forward, WE GRIEVE, we feel pain and betrayal that we need to reconcile, we do deep introspection to purge the poison of this abuse out of our heart, mind and soul, we create STRONG boundaries to never allow this abuse into our lives again, we have to learn how to trust again so we can go back to a healthy emotional life, we disconnect from this Narcissist (heart, mind and soul) and with NO/minimal contact, AND we work on this EVERY day of our lives until we get healthy again – this is a process that requires time – not just simple words to JUST MOVE ON. Those words just add another level of abuse by invalidating, silencing, and isolating us. There is NO magical cure that will fix us immediately! TOGETHER we heal!

So a little bit more of the reprograming aspect to start out on this journey to recovery:

Really the most important aspect is convincing ourselves that this was a Narcissist. Until we get there we will only remain in a confused state, blaming ourselves and reaching back to find out what WE did wrong. This only adds our own layers to this abuse. YIKES!! What I can say through my experience is that everything does fall into place, but the process takes education, time, real support from other targets/victims and a great deal of energy to purge all of the negativity out of us before we move forward. Don’t forget we can and will fall backwards and that again is just part of the process and we learn from our mistakes. There is also the overwhelming exhaustion from carrying so much anxiety and the trauma, and that surfaces as physical ailments. So, so much to deal with and then there is more than likely a ‘smear campaign’ that is waiting for us and SUDDENLY we are the bad guy.

Who could EVER believe the truth that presented itself to us and lives in us about this abuse and how someone just used us for the time they did and how they were inclined to destroy us as well. It is still hard for me to accept, but I know better because I lived through it and the truth is right there to back it up. What I can’t believe is that there are human beings capable of this and as a normal person with empathy it is not within my realm to understand them! That says a great deal within my words. If after experiencing and recovering from this abuse it is still hard for a person of empathy to get it completely. But what I learned is that I don’t have to ‘get it’ so completely, I just have to understand it and accept the truth to forget about that Narcissist because they are what they are and that HAS to be enough. Knowing and believing this enables you to move forward and work on everything else that involves getting healthy. Don’t waste your time on getting into their heads, or trying to understand them, or trying to fix THEM because you are only denying the truth YOU ALREADY KNOW! It is now time for you to get past this psychological abuse so you can enter back into a great world feeling healthy! It is a necessity to focus on yourself!

When you came out of this you felt like you were in a fog, or better yet that your reality was altered and basically it was through the slow process of brainwashing and the manipulation from your perpetrator. You are traumatized, confounded and confused and wondering what hit you squarely in the brain. We are functioning, but not as we once did. If we were the person we were before this abuse we would have had a much clearer perspective AFTER discard, but unfortunately we are not that person anymore. We have gained the knowledge but we are vulnerable and damaged, so we really struggle.

We weren’t in denial in the beginning we were tricked, conned, manipulated, etc. But here is the point we also never realized this in its entirety while we were with them and WHY? Well because the agenda of the Narcissist was not apparent, and the manipulation was subtle and consistent. We were always drawn back into the abuse through Narcissistic magic or trickery. Day by day we were managed down more and more through the Narcissist’s vast arsenal of tools to the point that we were not in our original state of conscious thinking – our reality was altered by our perpetrator so they could harvest us as supply!

One last point! So many times, our family seems like they don’t care. This may be true for some, but for the most part remember that our stories are incredulous and personal to us. They don’t know how deep the abuse is and deeply rooted in our subconscious OR even understand what it is. It is not as personal to them as it is to us. We would have to drag them through every day of the abuse while we were living it for them to actually get it – and to explain it would take just as long. They would also have to experience every day that we grieve (after the discard) to see how isolated and disconnected we have become because of the abuse. It doesn’t say that it is OK for people to shun us because it all sounds so unreal, BUT they do know and they would be there for you when you really needed them. Nobody can understand how the target/victim needs to keep repeating things over and over again because it is within this process that targets/victims purge the abuse outward. Our voice is the tool for others to hear to gain support as well as to vocalize and actualize the truth. There is no closure with these creatures, so how do we become validated? We search for that validation through our voices until we find something that we can turn to that HELPS. Without validation we will just run in a circle chasing our tails. We do eventually find validation within our personal truths.

We are very inquisitive creatures and we know none of what happened to us can be ALL of our fault! We weren’t problematic in our other relationships, or mentally ill, insane AND everything else we were led to believe – SO WHAT IS UP? That is what gets us out there searching on the internet, or seeking support through the behavioral sciences, etc. But once we start traveling through all of the questions and confusion we find some answers and usually when we hear the real stories of survivors or other victims. We start to see the similarities and find the validation we deserve.

You are an amazing person that has the ability to change and move onto a healthy recovery. It is a process that requires time. It is time to accept the reality that this was situational abuse and to take YOUR power back by discarding EVRYTHING about this Narcissist out of your world and life and that starts with no/minimal contact. The next step is gaining all of the knowledge and support you can by using your voice to speak out and ask questions. Other victims and survivors will help move you through your recovery. Together we heal. Greg

Try as you may or have – nothing could have ever been right in this relationship with a Narcissist because there never was a relationship there to begin with.

Try as you may or have – nothing could have ever been right in this relationship with a Narcissist because there never was a relationship there to begin with.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists are a vast and empty void. They cannot sit down and experience a normal or real moment, a memory, or a connection to real happiness within themselves or reflect about their life because there is nothing there to reflect upon, only envy of a real life and people AND what they can’t achieve. Their inner world is angry, dark and lacks complete empathy. They don’t have any internal mechanisms to bond, love or care about anybody so instead they focus on AND feed their eternal neediness and pathological nature through extreme manipulation to fill that void with external stimuli OR those fleeting moments of Narcissistic elation. They seriously are like a three-year-old that has many toys all around them, playing with one or the other without a care, always wanting a different or a new one, and throwing a tantrum if they can’t have what they want, but even when they get what they THINK they want they are never completely happy with just one toy!

One of the most obvious signs of a malignant Narcissist is the way they constantly malign others. They are also constantly embellishing, remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, one-upping, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider in every relationship that love should never hurt a person nor take them down a road of destruction like it does with a Narcissist or abuse. Ultimately love can make us sad when we lose a loved one but that is the reality of unconditional love when someone near to us is suffering, or we lose them completely, that is more or less grieving a REAL connection between two normally functioning people. Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist is emotional and psychological abuse MEANT to intentionally harm and damage a target/victim that the Narcissist has chosen as their prey, and it by no means is anything near a conventional and loving relationship. Real love grows and doesn’t diminish another person’s spirit. Always remember that the love that you felt for this person was as much a part of the psychological abuse (love bombing) as was the devaluation stage. These were the tools of the Narcissists trade like the brain-washing, extreme manipulation, gas-lighting, pathological lying, hideous betrayal, many sexual partners, etc., or the cycle of abuse with a Malignant Narcissist. This TRUTH is what will set you free and able to start on your road to recovery!

Narcissists manipulate in a manner to control their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything – this is chaos and crazy making meant to confound and divert their target’s normal thoughts. This can be very evident at times, because it is a downright shocking and we have all been there shaking our heads in total disbelief at what they have said, done to us, or acted on. It can also be the very subtle day to day things or the many small manipulative and dehumanizing actions that disassemble the target/victim’s well-being slowly and methodically. BUT it is so perplexing that people actually disbelieve their very ears and more than often we dismiss it and justify it by thinking it is anger, a bad day, insecurity, jealousy, or they have some wrong information about us – BUT it is constant and consistent behavior meant to debase us. Unfortunately we spend our time trying to fix the situation, make it better, and avoiding the truth that this is just one of their tools in their vast arsenal of control and ultimately ABUSE. Little by little this behavior erodes the target/victim’s self-worth and creates an almost obsessive situation where the target/victim is constantly trying to avoid the conflict, keeping things peaceful, and walking on eggshells. There is never the opportunity for a “healthy self” in this relationship and you become a casualty of the constant psychological terrorism or abuse – essentially you become a shell of a person.

You can’t have reality in a situation where there is none, especially a situation that is constantly embellished with toxic and chaotic behavior that constantly pushes your buttons, plays with your emotions and takes you down to your lowest level. The Narcissist will ultimately step up their game of their abuse with betrayal, perhaps sexual indiscretions, pathological lies, gas-lighting, etc., but again this starts out as a slow and very ambiguous abuse. Unfortunately it disables the target/victims capacity to function normally within the relationship and then it is too late because the target/victim is somewhere between that emotional connection (love) and the vast confusion caused by the debasing and dehumanizing psychological warfare and blaming themselves, trying to fix the situation, looking for relief, feeling fearful, hurt, depressed, anxious, etc., etc.

Targets/victims are unaware that they have been living in what can only be compared to as an active battle zone. Most are unaware what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is or that it is a highly effective and debilitating abuse from a predator. Victims of Narcissistic abuse will over time display strong symptoms of trauma, avoidance behavior, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or eating difficulties, irritability, hyper-vigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness, physical illness, self-harming, and even thoughts of suicide. Targets/victims express deep seeded feelings of worthlessness, humiliation, shame, and self-blame. They have been conditioned to take responsibility for the Narcissist’s despicable behavior because they are constantly told they are the source of every problem and everything is their fault but yet they want to support, defend, and love the Narcissist despite what they have gone through. It almost becomes an addiction because abuse creates a toxic and unhealthy environment which in turn creates an unhealthy mind for the target/victim. The psychological abuse creates this unhealthy pattern of pleasing the Narcissist or ‘walking on eggshells’. Basically the target/victim becomes totally dependent on the Narcissist or what may seem like being addicted to them. The reason behind this is that the silent threat of abuse is always present with the debasing and dehumanizing and it is just too painful for the target/victim AND an automatic coping mechanism against overwhelming stress. The Narcissist has conditioned the victim to always feel disconnected.

In turn we avoid the pain because it is so deeply engrained in us and that it is all a target/victim knows from the daily emotional abuse, so like the addict we look for relief from ANY fix or the hope that things could turn back to the way they were or back to that cohesive relationship – unfortunately it never will. That love we believed in was just a huge con job that we believed was real, and the Narcissist focused on making us believe as if they were a real participant in the relationship – just want con artists do. Unfortunately the Narcissist used a strong emotion (love) to gain our trust and gain entry into our heart, mind, and life.

This abuse is NOT limited to ‘love’ relationships only. Narcissists can be family members like a mother/father, brother/sister, boss/co-worker, friend/relative or anyone for that matter. Targets/victims are often victimized by more than one person as well because they have only learned or known this dehumanizing abuse for a very long period or all of their lives especially if they are a child of a Narcissistic parent. They internalize an abusive message that there is something is wrong with them and that they deserve this kind of abuse, and then resign themselves to their fate and sometimes all throughout their lives. Targets/victims may not reach their potential in their personal or professional lives because they always have to stand in that dark and ominous shadow of their abuser(s) – and that is all they have ever known in the case of Narcissistic parents. They learn to live in the shadows without knowing why – and that why was born out of the debasing control from abuse at the hands of a Narcissist.

Victims of Narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake, misheard something, or done something wrong. Their confidence becomes so low that they have trouble making simple decisions, questioning and re-questioning things to make sure they get it right. This is a result from the emotional and psychological abuse used by Narcissists to erode their self-esteem, instill confusion and anxiety in their victim to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment – basically they have no self-worth. Gradually, the target/victim will NOT trust their own perceptions and doubt themselves completely. This more than often also induces depression and anxiety – two separate issues that will have to be dealt with as well as the ‘other’ consequences of this hideous abuse.

The target/victim is totally broken and unable to trust their own perceptions in life (the ones we take for granted as just knowing what to do in life, etc.,) so they isolate themselves because life is just too confusing and they fear it. The victim now doubts most everything about themselves, their thoughts and opinions, their actions, their ideas and ideals. Ask yourself here and now if you are experiencing this, maybe it is a feeling of hopelessness, fear, confusion, or just an abnormal sense of life, one where you feel very alone and without a real objective to change or fix this situation by moving on – or feeling stuck in life. Targets/victims will become co-dependent on the abuser for their reality and the Narcissist loves this because that is their goal – TOTAL CONTROL of your thoughts and actions and they are at the steering wheel driving this abuse full forward. Who does this but a highly disordered human being with a dark agenda? Who could take, steal away or destroy any portion of another person’s life for any reason yet alone the agenda of a highly disordered Narcissist that is basically driven by their own envy, hate AND an extortionist as well that wants everything they can take from another human being and life.

No relationship ever ends in such a shroud of hate and destruction as one that ends with a Narcissist. They annihilate every aspect of the relationship, the person, their life, their family, their friends AND basically everything in a manner to completely disable you/us. Every action and word that comes from a Narcissist is a bizarre and sadistic attack on your personal reality. It takes you from the goodness and normality that you have had all of your life to a dark place where you now have feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness because EVERYTHING you do is wrong, and you are basically worthless. Even after separation from a Narcissist, the abuse lives on because like a poison it has entered into every cell in your body and in the case of a Narcissistic abuse the poison destroys the mind and reality of their target/victim! This is the truth we must know and accept so we can dispel all of the blame and shame from being in this relationship and from there we can move forward to recovery. YES, we must get this and move on without reliving it over and over again. Remember this was NOT your fault, nor are you worthless, a bad person, mentally ill, obsessed, scorned or any of that garbage – YOU are a good an amazing person that was emotionally and psychologically abused and it is time to move on and back to a healthy and real life! No/minimal contact! Greg

THOSE LIES! You will never be able to conjure up a conceivable motive for why they lie as they do. If they are breathing they are lying – and you can count on the fact that it is to always benefit THEM or to protect THEM from their previous lies and indiscretions, or to weasel their way out of a bad situation, OR into a situation that serves THEM!

THOSE LIES! You will never be able to conjure up a conceivable motive for why they lie as they do. If they are breathing they are lying – and you can count on the fact that it is to always benefit THEM or to protect THEM from their previous lies and indiscretions, or to weasel their way out of a bad situation, OR into a situation that serves THEM! Finding our way through the dense fog of this abuse with knowledge, education, and clarity. Narcissists will say ANYTHING so basically you can count on it all being LIES and there is ALWAYS an agenda behind those lies that benefits THEM! They lie in Technicolor with a wide spectrum from simple or nonsense lies to the outrageous, obnoxious and perverted or the wildest lies conceivable.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Narcissists lie gratuitously, about matters great and small (and everything else in between). Their lies are the substance that they invent their false mask or shield from that hides their dark and secret disorder. So the Narcissist creates a special person just for each of us, BUT really it is created to pull us into their world to fulfill their NEEDY agenda and control. They decide what rights you will have, what they want you see, and what they want you to hear, and especially what they want you to know. THEN they embellish it all with brightly colored wrapping paper and a big beautiful bow and a gift tag with our name on it and a “Love always – Your Narcissist – XOXOXO !” Unfortunately when you start unwrapping that present you find that it is just an empty box.

So within this grand illusion that they create and live in, they won’t hesitate to say that black is white or square is round and you are expected to believe them. They will lie to you about facts they know that you know. They lie to you about what you have said and done, even if you said or did it only a few seconds ago and know the truth. They lie to you about what they have said and done in your very presence. If they are breathing they are lying!

Being amoral or just numb to the existence of morality as far as their integrity goes is based solely on what the Narcissist wants. It is like a cantankerous, irrational three-year-old child throwing a tantrum. The Narcissist never gives up the argument. That Narcissist is standing there in front of you to win. If you engage the Narcissist, he/she will pull you down to their level. Keep engaging in an argument with a Narcissist and he/she brings it down to another level, and another level AND to a level lower than you care to stoop to, so you just stop then and there because it is just futile to go on anymore. The Narcissist has no self-respect, and behaving this way is not beneath them.

Now you are standing in front of them and they look like big boys and girls (adults) but they are dragging you back to your days at the playground and if you don’t play exactly the way they want you to play “make believe” they will throw you off of the merry-go-round.

So the Narcissist needs people to feed their Narcissistic Supply. But he/she refuses to create or associate with any person in an emotionally meaningful way. The Narcissist lacks the basic skills – EMPATHY – which is required to obtain his/her drug in reality. The very people who are supposed to sustain the Narcissists grandiose fantasies through their adoration and attention will always find the Narcissist repulsive and too dangerous to interact with after the truth becomes apparent that love and life with a Narcissist is one big lie. No/Minimal contact to stop the chaos and crazy making that their lies create within our time with them. Greg

The Narcissist’s world lacks ANY and ALL principle, thus the constant inconsistency of morals and anything and everything else that goes on in their world – NO MATTER WHAT THE COST IS TO ANYBODY. There is no one functioning basis of reality only entitlement to whatever they want AND the premise of whatever serves them!

The Narcissist’s world lacks ANY and ALL principle, thus the constant inconsistency of morals and anything and everything else that goes on in their world – NO MATTER WHAT THE COST IS TO ANYBODY. There is no one functioning basis of reality only entitlement to whatever they want AND the premise of whatever serves them!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Often, we hear that a Narcissist just does not care and THAT becomes such a confusing point of contention with us! Just what does that mean – how can another person possess such a void that they have absolutely no ability to care for another human being? Well it means that a Narcissist does not have the internal and normal functioning mechanisms required to PROHIBIT them from feeling the reality of the harm that they cause to the people that care or love them. Their whole being is a working mechanism (or a façade) and it lacks all empathy, emotion and the ability to bond with other human beings. WE on the other hand can logically differentiate what caring is as well as what hurt feels like because we do possess empathy, emotion, and the ability to bond and love. A Narcissist just cannot understand this and they wonder what goes on in our mind and why we make such a fuss about their lifeless emotions – they don’t know what we know, or feel what we feel – if you don’t know it you can’t feel it.

You can logically understand that a Narcissist does not possess the ability to care but you cannot understand or put yourself in the position to actually feel what it is like to be totally void of that ability to care so you CANNOT wrap your head around it at all. Your normal emotions will ALWAYS trump any understanding that a person could be so void of life, emotions, care, and love. We CANNOT know what makes a Narcissist tick – but we can believe from our experience with them that it is a non-functioning and destructive relationship. We MUST get out of TRYING to understand a Narcissist and just accept the truth around the fact they are disordered, and dangerous to our well-being. You cannot fix them, heal them, get back at them, or expect them to come to your aid in any other manner than with more manipulation and abuse – there is no closure that exists within the Narcissist as far as it concerns getting any sort of validation of the destruction and pain they caused to your life. You NEED to totally understand this to move on and recover – you need to do this so you concentrate on yourself and healing to move forward!

The Narcissist’s world lacks any and all principle, thus the constant inconsistency of morals and anything and everything else that goes on in their world – NO MATTER WHAT THE COST IS TO ANYBODY. There is no one functioning basis of reality! The only standards a Narcissists has are DOUBLE standards – none of which are ever consistent from one situation to the next. Narcissists are NOT consistent and they despise anyone that is consistent with their ethics, goodness, life, etc., because it exposes the Narcissist’s inconsistency and a constant reminder of their own self-deception. Like garlic to a vampire – they will hiss at it, try to destroy it, and run off into the darkness.

I can’t emphasize enough just how much we underestimate the truth/reality of the destructive pathological Narcissist who operates behind a facade of FAUX respectability and altruism. They are abusive to people, families, organizations, and life in general. The pathological Narcissist is a long-term plotter, like one of those brilliant chess players who can see the whole board and then plans ten or more moves ahead. It is almost impossible for anyone to uncover the complex and multi-layered schemes of such a person unless you are entirely aware of the depths of their level of intelligence used to manipulate and hide their disordered self – THEY ARE ALWAYS MANY STEPS AHEAD OF THE GAME. So to know one requires knowledge we don’t have OR could never understand if we did possess it, and even if we did unlock all of the truth we couldn’t fix them or even relate – so basically we are always left wide open to being perpetually deceived. That is just how good they are at this game to get their supply AND get away with it. We are ALL targets and objects of this abuse and it is never singular in nature because it destroys whole families, organizations, businesses, etc., and they have the right camouflage to hide among us and to protect themselves from being exposed. They are basically predators after prey and the chaos they inflict annihilates anybody that crosses their path. When we accept that and close the book to the emotions or whatever binds us to them, then we can accept the real and ugly truth and start to move on!

Lastly the awareness that others may have is a constant source of anxiety for the Narcissist and thus a huge need to constantly control their immediate world. The Narcissist is also aware of the limitations surrounding their facade of lies BUT only through the reactions from the people they abuse. When people talk with one another, they begin to acquire a much larger perspective of things and they begin to see a bigger picture of the Narcissist. The pathological Narcissist CAN’T afford to have people talking amongst themselves and sharing stories because it will expose them and destroy their façade. So, he/she will go to great lengths and carefully produce very devious and underhanded schemes to keep people divided. The Narcissist will create division among colleagues by planting lies about one person to another, and another about someone else. This can be a successful strategy because no one expects a highly intelligent adult to be carrying on like a scheming child or an emotionally disturbed adolescent. Since most people are unaware that they are truly dealing with a’ terroristic gossiper’ like a scheming Narcissist that is triangulating and maligning a target – it is much easier to believe the liar (Narcissist). This is the Narcissist’s damage control to protect their abusive agenda and keep an endless “SUPPLY.”

Again, WE MUST understand that this abuse is intentional and as much as it was such a personal part of us, it was purely the act of an emotionally and psychologically UNBALANCED and deviant human being. It seems insurmountable to try to erase what was reality to us as nothing more than a Narcissist sourcing us out to provide themselves with what they only needed to survive. Why do they go through such lengths to do this and why also destroy good people? Well I would say because it works for them, it gives them power to control us and maintain their constant supply from us. What other reason would motivate a person to act in this manner if it wasn’t tied to an agenda?

Yes, it is how they are wired, no empathy, no emotions, and they CAN’T love that is why this is labeled a personality disorder. But why do they destroy and damage good and unsuspecting people when it is bad enough that they extort them of their lives and love, yet alone have a knife to their back ready to destroy them at any given moment? WHY if they are getting what they so desperately need do they destroy a good thing then? BECAUSE they are not a fully functioning human being and cannot act on the same normal human premise to bond, care for, or love other human beings! So basically, they are psycho bullies, emotional manipulators, users and abusers as well as destructive and dangerous so never stay a moment longer with them once you know the truth. Your sanity has been pushed to the point that you are so vulnerable and basically functioning after the time you have spent with this person. Is it worth that to try to stay a moment longer and for what – to lose your sanity? Their truth is hidden behind so many lies, so if they can lie so easily to themselves to protect their damaged self they will most assuredly lie to us and about us to keep their dirty secrets hidden and take us down first! NO/MINIMAL CONTACT! Greg

Their words are all used to scam, harm, diminish and control! Narcissistic BABBLE, and their blah, blah, blah – or circular conversations, double talk, and word salads – just trickery, manipulation, diversion, and lies to create chaos – what else is new with a Narcissist – BUT these are dangerous emotional and psychological tools they use to diminish their target/victims. KOWLEDGE is power in understanding ENDING this abuse!

Their words are all used to scam, harm, diminish and control! Narcissistic BABBLE, and their blah, blah, blah – or circular conversations, double talk, and word salads – just trickery, manipulation, diversion, and lies to create chaos – what else is new with a Narcissist – BUT these are dangerous emotional and psychological tools they use to diminish their target/victims. KOWLEDGE is power in understanding ENDING this abuse!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Ese in Between with a Narcissist

So let’s start with the truth first – Narcissists use MANY deceptive and manipulative tools that are absolute and fundamental to the Narcissist’s survival in the real world – in other words everything is a manipulation of real facts to serve their agenda, opinions and actions – and the way it is conveyed is THROUGH THEIR WORDS. The Narcissist can’t change and, most importantly, they DON’T want to change. They inhabit a fantasy world which becomes reality for them and those they manage to brainwash. There is no reality or truth for any person that resides in their world. It is a train wreck waiting to happen and there are always many victims. In their world the truth and falsehood only hold instrumental meaning as they apply it to a situation and there is absolutely no morality contained in any of their thoughts or actions.

We must remember that at the core of the Narcissist psychopathy is a mindset governed by their grandiosity, lack of empathy for others, AVOIDANCE of the truth with a grand sense of entitlement and superiority that places them above laws and morality. The Narcissist grossly overestimates their abilities and accomplishments and underestimates the complete being of their target/victim. Simply put, the Narcissist should be able to do anything they wish, however harmful and destructive, because the Narcissist is better than others. In the Narcissist’s mind, by making us a part of their wonderful life by mere association with them, he/she passes on to us this grandiosity as if they are royalty and that is our reward. It is ridiculous and repulsive that they can believe this nonsense and more akin to pompousness and arrogance.

It is hard if not impossible to fully wrap our heads around the outlandish behavior of a Narcissist or their psychopathic mindset so we really shouldn’t try to as it relates to and describes our abuse because it really had nothing to do with who WE are. Narcissists believe the truth they create at the moment they need it to provide them with new opportunities – there is no rhyme or reason to it. I believe they even have their own language and it is delusional at its basis and only ‘doubletalk’ to meet their agenda to extort other people’s lives.

They are only charms and seducers that use their staged ‘word scripts’ to extort life and people. If I had to interpret SOME of their words, it would go like this — there are MANY more examples, TOO many to list – but most everything they say is weaponized – so please add to the list.

1. “I love you” means “I want something to give me a ‘high’ at this very moment like a drug addict taking a hit from their favorite drug.”
2. “I would NEVER intentionally hurt you” literally translates to “Watch your back because I can’t be trusted as far as I can be thrown, so I am gathering up all the information I can to smear you, back-stab you and WOUND you so you learn to fear my wrath!”
3. “You love me and you know it” translates to “You WILL forgo any and all of your needs and bend to my will and ALL of MY needs.”
4. “Trust me” means “Tell me what I want to know so I can use it to get what I want as well as use it against you when I have to.”
5. “You are the love of my life,” translates into “You are just the next one of a long, list or sequence of targets/victims that will be used and abused.”
6. “Mutual monogamy or fidelity” means “you WILL be faithful to me while I cheat on you.”
7. “Betrayal” in the Narcissist’s mind is defined and justified with this – “How dare you disapprove of something/anything I did or said. You broke the law, didn’t follow my rules and you disobeyed ME. I will show you what happens AND you must and will be punished.”
8. “Mutual commitment” translates into “Everything in your life revolves around me and me alone, BUT I will do exactly what I want.”
9. “Honesty” never means the truth “It is me (Narcissist) saying whatever gets me what I want at the moment.”
10. “I miss you SO MUCH” means “I miss the function you play in my life as supply, but there are plenty of other objects I can play with when I need MORE and better supply.
11. “I love you like no other, we ARE soul mates” means “I’ll give you attention, flattery, gifts, and ‘love bomb’ you to death only until I hook you emotionally and gain your trust, AND can extort everything I can from you and your life, and then I am out of here.”
12. For the supply on the side “My wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend doesn’t really love me or satisfy me” really interprets to ‘Neither will you, in a few weeks or months, at most and I will toss you aside too.”
13. “We are MEANT to be together forever” means “ABIDE by my rules because I own you completely while I remain free to do as I please.”
14. “We can and will work this out” means “But it is NEVER my fault. If I did something you believe is harmful, you are over-reacting OR it’s because your services weren’t good enough for me.”
15. “I am tired of you ALWAYS bringing up the same arguments!” Which interprets as you have hit on the truth every time so the Narcissist will just turn it back around onto you!
16. “I hate you” means that YOU have caught them in their lies so they are going to divert to try to hurt you at any level they can.
17. “You have issues” literally means that again you have called them but on something and it is like a little child responding with – “I know you are but what am I,” or just psycho-babble to create chaos.

Every word, phrase or statement of the Narcissist’s so-called “circular truth” is only said in the moment or momentary and always contingent upon their immediate gratification. All their efforts, no matter what only represent an investment designed to satisfy the Narcissists immediate wishes and desires through positivity or negativity – none of which is real or a true reflection of you and I. Their feelings are shallow, so is the value of their ‘truth’s’ that they are always waving in our face. The best thing to do when they make one of their famous proclamations is to always add “for now” to the end of their declarations. There is no passion and they are by far never grounded with any caring emotions, empathy or love AND NEVER A COMMITMENT! They may pretend to care or love you FOR the moment but once they are not physically in your presence they will be pursuing another source of supply or chasing after some new and temporary pleasure!

Lies and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing and deflecting from reality, but the Narcissist does this with a very deceptive agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives (and sometimes for MANY years), then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity! BUT here is the truth – you are an amazing person, you have all of your mental facilities, you can love, you have great empathy, and you are STRONG because you survived this and are here today. You will recover from this and be free from this abuser. It all starts now with education, knowledge and support. You will align with all of this and the truth of your situation and purge all of the abuse out of your life. It is a process that requires time but it is worth it because you will get your good life back and freedom. It all starts with no/minimal contact to get the clarity you need! REMEMBER knowledge and education is imperative to move forward! Greg

Narcissist – the great manipulator, the great liar, the great betrayer, the great scam artist, and the greatest destroyer of a persons precious emotional and psychological well-being!

Narcissist – the great manipulator, the great liar, the great betrayer, the great scam artist, and the greatest destroyer of a persons precious emotional and psychological well-being!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists ALWAYS tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions. In turn they will accuse and blame others to divert attention away from themselves and the truth. A Narcissist will refuse to accept the perspective of any human being, but they will irrationally defend their own distorted/delusional position and lies as well as force you into accepting them as reality and the end result is that you discard or dump YOUR normal and healthy reality. Narcissists always make people feel that they HAVE to please them.

They cunningly access and withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing because it gives them the ability to control and manipulate future events. A Narcissist will slowly but surely erode their target/victim’s reality, self-esteem and spirit! Narcissists completely avoid and NEVER acknowledge the feelings of others, yet they will often bring up how their emotions are being affected and how WE don’t respect or honor their needs. They are eternal victims and NOTHING you do is worthy of meeting their needs. “We JUST don’t love them enough,” OR SO THEY TELL US!

They will slight a target/victim or perhaps make them accept digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the Narcissist to say they were just kidding while still being abusive and hurting the target/victim.

Narcissists will completely change the subject to divert attention back onto themselves. You could be talking to them about a serious matter and it will be dismissed in moments, so the Narcissist has all the attention right back where they feel it belongs – ON THEM. Or they will BULLY you with shouting, dismiss you, and walk away. You never feel that anything about you is important enough for consideration by the Narcissist and you are right!

Narcissists make others feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the miserable level of the Narcissist. They always threaten or hint of some form of punishment that they will inflict if YOU don’t do exactly what they are asking or accept what they are saying. THEN of course they will reinforce this with blame as if you did something that deserves their actions and disdain. They will dismiss you completely and silence you. YOU CAN NEVER MEET ANY OF THEIR EXPECTATIONS!

They will be cold, quiet, and distant, then deny that anything is wrong, but it feels as if they ARE angry. But you can’t access what it is, so you will have no sense of what is going on to help you feel at ease with them. On the flip side there will be inappropriate emotional outbursts to also distract attention, confusing their targets/victims and shifting blame for something you AGAIN have no real sense of. You are ALWAYS left feeling like you are walking on those infamous eggshells with them or always confused and feeling conflicted as to a cohesive reality with them!

Narcissists ALWAYS try to control others to domineer and limit freedom of expression/speech or individuality. Again, controlling the environment around them with confusion, chaos, bullying and negativity. They are ALWAYS instilling fear or retaliatory punishment for anyone that doesn’t comply with their EVERY wish. They will also deny you ANY success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling you out or basically placing you in the category of a loser and not worthy of proper recognition. Their word is the FINAL word always! A target/victim could have accomplished something so worthy of recognition and the Narcissist will never respond with a supportive word or a congratulation, instead they will minimalize the entire accomplishment OR even find fault in it. They will put a handle on any positive situation to make you doubt your achievement of success. They continually manage people DOWN! You lose your reality with them

Narcissists always forget commitments and promises purposely because there was nothing real behind their words in the first place – just more of their manipulation to keep you believing. They will even deny that they promised to do something to try to make you believe you are imagining things.

Narcissists will take advantage of any vulnerability using shame, guilt, and fear to make a target feel worthless by highlighting simple insecurities they may have. This could even be done in a manner where the Narcissist will make fun of the target/victim’s physical attributes in a cruel overt manner.

A Narcissist’s actions, promises, and reality in every situation are totally out of alignment. They ALWAYS say one thing and do another. For example, they preach morality, BUT they have no morals and act on their impulses regularly. They may PRETEND to follow a religious doctrine and praise themselves for religious values but actually possess NONE of these values whatsoever. In actuality they ARE the very sinners that they are denouncing, preaching about, and pointing fingers at. The Narcissist I dealt with was/is infamous for this!

Narcissist are only nice when all other options have been removed or when they feel they are trapped into a corner or up against a wall. This is usually when the truth is so evident that they have no other option available to them. There is no remorse to what they have done, they are just trying to wriggle out of being totally exposed for what they have done AND what they are. They also want to keep you trapped in the abuse so they can keep extorting what they can or achieving supply with their insincere apology and patronizing gestures. In time they will replace you once you have actually caught onto their lies and agenda, BUT of course you are to BLAME for their actions! You are the disordered one and you have abused THEM, and they are “running for their lives” (a favorite and OVER used quote of my Narcissist.) That is really a distorted lie and excuse that they have moved onto a new source, but they are going to keep you locked up in confusion, lies, and abuse surrounding their departure for as long as they can. They will actually PULL you back into the abuse making you think that there is a possibility of reconciliation. It is just a way for them to achieve more chaos to disable you as much as they can as well as implicate you as being obsessed when THEY are the ones that initiate contact to use against you. Keeping you vulnerable also keeps their abuse hidden from the world.

When they are having a conversation, be it one on one or even in a group setting, they will completely cut someone off as if they are not allowed to speak. Narcissists suppress self-expression and individuality to support their omnipotence and power over others by controlling everyone in their world. Basically, they eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves to feel superior and omnipotent! It shores up their false identity and makes them feel so worthy when it is all based on lies and distortion, BUT THEY JUST DON’T SEE IT AS THIS! They are delusional and self-affirming to support their needy needs.

Narcissist will ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses. They push everyone’s buttons. They will even go as far as humiliating people in public situations to show their superiority. They are psycho bullies. By pushing buttons and highlighting a person’s sensitivity they gain power and evoke fear in the target/victim of choice. They ACTIVATE a person’s insecurities to gain power and superiority over them.

Through their vast arsenal of tools to manipulate a Narcissist will pretend to understand a person’s concerns, but then they will blatantly break every boundary and step all over those concerns and basically violate them and you! If they CAN’T control a person they will slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of this person. Narcissists RUIN people’s lives.

Narcissists will always attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They won’t believe they make mistakes and they have no ability to feel or process or truly understand shame.

ALWAYS remember that lies and deceit are a natural part of the narcissist’s world. The old saying, “the best liars lie to themselves first” really applies to Narcissists as well as “the lie often repeated is far more convincing” and they repeat their lies many times over! A Narcissist has the amazing ability to believe their own lies even when they fly in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. You HAVE to take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. A friend of mine always said to me “if they are breathing they are lying” and it is the truth!

LASTLY! Don’t allow yourself to ride on this emotional roller coaster through hell because it is never ending! So then heed this warning and live by it – once you leave OR are out of the relationship the Narcissist doesn’t need you anymore and its more than likely (pretty much a guarantee) you were emotionally and physically replaced long before the separation or discard AND they are out to destroy your integrity AND you to avoid exposure.

Everything I outlined here is taken directly from my experience with the Narcissist I knew. Unfortunately, I was blinded by the manipulation, constant lies, and brainwashing, but NEVER again. I ‘believed’ and never saw the train wreck in front of me. Was I a damaged person? No not in the normal reality of the behavioral sciences as in having a mental illness or a personality disorder but I became the byproduct of the disabling abuse by being in the company of a highly dysfunctional and disordered person. I have insecurities, I have wounds, I may trust a little too much, I get angry, etc. – BUT, I am a good person that respects people. I give and love unconditionally, and I know when enough is enough. I get hurt but I don’t destroy and punish people because of this, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and ALLOW them the opportunity to talk and work through things. THAT is having empathy, that is creating a viable relationship with give and take, that is being unconditional and trying to give the benefit of the doubt to a person you care about – that is giving of yourself and this is what bonding SHOULD be with another person – unfortunately with a Narcissist it is all TAKE and no give! This is the IMPORTANT lesson we must take from the abuse – WE ARE THE NORMAL AND AMAZING PERSON HERE that was severely manipulated and that has disabled much of our being, psyche, heart, mind, and soul. No/minimal contact. Greg

CHAOS BOMBING by a Narcissist! Chaos is the ‘go to’ tool that toxic individuals use to create diversion, and confusion with their victims. it is a major form of ‘supply’ for them because it is power and control over individuals that they desperately need to make their desperate agenda work.

CHAOS BOMBING by a Narcissist! Chaos is the ‘go to’ tool that toxic individuals use to create diversion, and confusion with their victims. it is a major form of ‘supply’ for them because it is power and control over individuals that they desperately need to make their desperate agenda work.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Think of the many situations where you are taken from a normal day to being completely thrown off balance by one of their ‘out of the blue’ chaotic attacks. There is no rhyme or reason to their logic – just a ‘hit and run’ situation that leaves you shaking your head, shocked, silenced, withdrawing, isolated, stuck in your own head trying to reason through this, and once again diminished and managed down for no reason whatsoever. Each time you lose a little bit more of yourself and become more and more VULNERABLE because you know that any attempt to work through one of their chaotic outbursts is just futile so you only withdraw from the situation completely. The thing we must understand is that the Narcissist is looking for this exact reaction and why they act out as they do.

That VULNERABILITY of a target/victim, is just an OPPORTUNITY for the Narcissist to suppress their target to inflict more of their poison, but ONLY if there are no witnesses — so consider it as premeditated because it is. Narcissists aren’t inconsiderate of your feelings, to the contrary, they are extremely considerate of your feelings and they are monitoring them to see just WHERE your weaknesses are so they can inflict chaos/harm. Your feelings are exactly what they are trying to affect. They closely observe how you react every time they do something to hurt you and then they build it into their arsenal of tools to use against you in the future. Cause and effect is cognitive thinking so they know exactly what they are doing – getting the best of you to push you as close to the edge as they can!

We tried to function as a normal person the best we could – but it was a situation that was personalized and created just for us with “doom and destruction” in mind. YES we tried to fix it because our lives are loaded and impacted by empathy and love – but is that a punishable offense. Any way you look at it the target/victim somehow gets the label and the blame because the Narcissist is VERY motivated to hide their acts of chaos, crazy making and psychological terrorism. The only way to end this type of chaos is to disallow it by disengaging completely. Greg

It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism to) HAVEN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder – they were just charmed into believing they were NORMAL. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who don’t have a personal connection or primary role in their life to see reality of who and what they REALLY are.

It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism to) HAVEN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder – they were just charmed into believing they were NORMAL. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who don’t have a personal connection or primary role in their life to see reality of who and what they REALLY are. Once you get emotionally close to a Narcissist, THEN AND ONLY THEN do you get to see them drop their carefully crafted and charming mask that hides the out-of-control and abusive creature hiding behind it AND that is after they have TOTALLY fooled and conned you into their world.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

A Narcissist is so seductive that he/she makes you believe in him/her with your whole heart, mind and soul. Unfortunately for all who tread on this emotional rollercoaster with a Narcissist they don’t realize just how dangerous this connection with them is – HOW would we because in the beginning it is rewarding.

The charm a Narcissist utilizes creates an oblivious feeling of being connected or very attracted to most everything about them. We can become fascinated with someone because of their physical beauty BUT a charming and captivating Narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks can definitely increase the magnetic pull towards the Narcissist, but that is not at the core of this abuse, it is the manufactured charm that is a psychologically and deceptive tool used to manipulate, condition, manage you down and control you.

They charm people to death (figuratively) and this is what literally attracts us to them. But with a Narcissist it is a magnetism that makes you feel a sort of hypnotizing attraction that manifests itself in your psyche and your soul! In reality you are being charmed by their power of REFLECTING back everything that is YOU creating this intoxicating and deep-rooted bond. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you’ve known them a long time, soul mates, or you feel very safe with them – perhaps you have known them in a prior life or whatever fantasy belief that Narcissist has instilled in your mind.

This is the Narcissists goal and they are the biggest con artists that exist, and they mean to extort everything they can from you. They have unlocked the door to your head and they are planning on using that entry to their advantage. They will move right in manipulate and manage down most everything that is your reality as you KNEW it. A skilled and extreme Narcissist knows just how to reflect your image right back onto you so that you feel like you are almost twins. What’s not to like and trust when you have EVERYTHING in common?

A Narcissist creatively figures out some unique and impressive angle quickly, and one that few people would ever engage in. Basically, they are manipulating your emotions to gain entry into your heart and mind. Narcissists can typically manipulate most people with their extreme CHARM. They are always ten steps ahead of you, so much so that it is uncanny. They are very QUICK with these unique approaches and “BAM” they have swept you off of your feet and keep you there to get something YOU have that THEY want. What else is there to do but bask in the glow of this unique relationship! You are undeniably intrigued by everything about them. When your relationship sours because the ugly truth rears itself with a Narcissist, you better duck for cover and be ready for a whole lot of damage control. ALSO, they have their minions or support team on the outside world that will take up their cause WHEN they start to destroy your integrity. CHARM is their tool to create their entourage and protectors. Their whole world is fake and they construct each and every component of it to effectively protect themselves.

Again, they are ten steps ahead of you and have already thought through how you will react and are ready to discredit, disable, and destroy you. You can trust that they are determined to humiliate and obliterate you to avoid exposure of the truth that they are abusive predators. More than likely they have already started another relationship well before they ended the relationship with you. It is always about a constant source of new supply and they will keep up this abusive cycle all throughout their lives. NO/Minimal Contact! Knowledge is your power to getting to recovery. Greg

The truth about what REALLY lives behind that MASK and façade – and it is scary especially to those of us that have experienced it first hand. We must see them for what they really are and discard them completely from our mind, heart, soul, and life. There is no person ‘in there’ that celebrates the goodness in people or in life – nor can they bond with anyone in any type of relationship because they have NO EMPATHY to do so!

The truth about what REALLY lives behind that MASK and façade – and it is scary especially to those of us that have experienced it first hand. We must see them for what they really are and discard them completely from our mind, heart, soul, and life. There is no person ‘in there’ that celebrates the goodness in people or in life – nor can they bond with anyone in any type of relationship because they have NO EMPATHY to do so!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

SO, what is really behind that mask? A personality disordered individual and an abuser that creates chaos and destruction to anybody or anything in its path. Biologically they are a human being, but they live for the pleasure of controlling and harming others to get what they want. This is a fact however we want to describe it clinically or otherwise because they cannot internalize emotions, feelings, care, love or ANTHING because they just don’t bond with people at all – they use and abuse them!

In the overall design of things, misfortune to others does not matter to the Narcissist when they have objectified a human being to obtain their drug of choice or “supply.” It is solely based on what this person has to offer, or what can be taken from this person, and this must resonate in the Narcissist’s grand scheme of things. The Narcissist is convinced of their uniqueness (omnipotence) and basically we are there to serve their needs – they are delusional in this manner. There are no written laws that the Narcissist will comply with when it comes to how they treat other people especially WHEN THAT MASK SLIPS and the ‘reactive abuse’ begins.

There are no human rights whatsoever involved either, basically we are there for their use and they completely exploit everything they can from us – mentally and physically. They feel no remorse in their acts of deviance to secure supply in the least bit. Lies, betrayal, manipulation, etc., are only tools to extract what they need before they move on to the next and the next and the next. They have perfected and honed these tools to work to their utmost advantage to meet their needs in EVERY situation.

The narcissist is always fanatical, extreme, and very dangerous because of their all-pervasive nature that permeates every aspect of their life. Couple that with their non-existent empathy for life and people and you have a very dangerous predator on the loose. The “people objects” that they manipulate into their pervasive world are always the casualties. At stake is NEVER EVER the preservation of the person the Narcissist uses – but instead the Narcissist’s very own NEEDS and survival.

As with ALL Narcissistic supply (all sources), once the person or people are no longer instrumental – the Narcissist loses all interest in them, devalues them and ignores them. They are like a child with a huge pile of toys to play with BUT always wanting more – and when they see a new bright and shiny toy they WANT IT and WANT IT now – and then they cast the rest aside until they want them again. The Narcissist might even wish to destroy the person as a punishment or revenge for incompetence at providing Narcissistic supply. Narcissists switch supply and ideologies with the ease as defined by the manner in which they change partners, spouses and value systems.

Furthermore, they cannot tolerate any sign of independence and autonomy from their supply or “people object”, this only serves to enrage them because they need this complete control to function within their delusional world. The narcissistic supply is there to serve them, so they try to cement their source of supply into the role they have made for them, and there they remain under the narcissist’s control. What that omnipotent and superior Narcissist fails to see is that they are co-dependent on us for their survival – pretty ironic when you think about how superior these creatures seem to believe they are. When in doubt they discredit, lie and destroy anyone to shore up their delusional and fake identity.

No Contact – shut these monsters and their vermin minions out of your life so you can live again because there is no reality living with them only destruction! Water always finds its level – and these creatures do meet up with their karma just by the process of intentionally hurting so many people (and family) and everybody just avoids them completely. You may not always see it like a huge lit up billboard that says, “This Narcissist met their karma,” but look under a few rocks and you will find them there alone and in the darkness that they only created for themselves! No/minimum contact because you are an amazing person that deserves your good life back! Greg

WHAT we really are to a Narcissist! With a Narcissist, you are NEVER an individual with any needs of your own – you are cast as a performer to serve their needs. It was a role you were emotionally manipulated and conned in and out of and you were only dehumanized, subjugated and objectified by a personality disordered person each and every time they needed you as supply. Everything else ‘in between’ was just their psychopathy and games that kept you so locked up in confusion and believing!

WHAT we really are to a Narcissist! With a Narcissist, you are NEVER an individual with any needs of your own – you are cast as a performer to serve their needs. It was a role you were emotionally manipulated and conned in and out of and you were only dehumanized, subjugated and objectified by a personality disordered person each and every time they needed you as supply. Everything else ‘in between’ was just their psychopathy and games that kept you so locked up in confusion and believing!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

What does a Narcissist do when we demand our individuality or ask to be treated as a person SHOULD be? They manage us down into the smallest pieces they can and act out to control us, silence us, and make us feel small and worthless. They have numerous tools in their arsenal, but the most efficient of all is replacing us with another person when we don’t acquiesce to ALL of their needs – it is just what they do because they cannot bond beyond using us for what we have and what they need so they will just find someone else to replace us. What is the message the Narcissist is sending? It is no big deal to find another person to fill your shoes. This truth is crazy to comprehend, but it depicts the true nature of a relationship with a Narcissist and they just go on with life switching out their partners like buying a new pair of shoes – everyone is an object that takes a turn in the Narcissist’s life.

Think about it in real and practical terms. When we are talking about the ‘real’ relationship with a Narcissist remember this if you will remember anything – the relationship with a Narcissist is NOTHING that concerns romance, unconditional love, bonding, or a healthy relationship that grows with them, we are talking about the subjugation of an object and WE are that object. Yes, Narcissists exploit their partners just as if they were an inanimate object that they will replace or throw out in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, they play a great game of making us believe we are more than that because it is all part of the mechanics they use to pull us into their agenda to become their latest object. That charm or love bombing is the trap they set for every target soon to be victim!

A Narcissist will find a way to put a partner in their ‘designated position’ or better yet a dehumanizing and disabling role that is only meant to consistently numb the victim or keep them in that fog of confusion to basically serve the Narcissist’s sadistic needs. A Narcissist tears down a partner’s equality and worth with many manipulative and devious steps that steal away his/her power AND the Narcissist in turn empowers themselves through this controlling behavior. These are highly insecure and envious creatures at heart that manipulate, betray, lie, cheat, extort and every other disabling thing they can do as well as hide the truth of their disordered nature. What else would you or could you do if you are akin to a fictional dark and empty creature like a vampire but seek out and find victims to suck the life force out of. A Narcissist will always find a way to unleash their toxic waste or sewage on the rest of us. SO never try to grasp at the vision they have a happy, normal, and fulfilling life now or ever. Everyone that gets to know your Narcissist will only become their next target for their fake and psychotic pursuits that define their abuse.

Most if not all targets/victims are generous, trusting, normal, and kind people and basically this is why the Narcissist was attracted to you because your empathy and love was strong and in place for this Narcissist to exploit. It is a fact that Narcissists are sadistic, cruel, and insensitive and their actions toward people are very painful. It is cruel, dehumanizing, and basically criminal what they do to normal, loving and good people AND it is impossible for us to wrap our heads around it all but remember Narcissists aren’t normal by any means and they do not have the empathy that we possess. They are unable to feel, sense or appreciate feelings, compassion or other people’s needs. They do not acknowledge or respect boundaries and they will consistently trample them down, especially when they are discarding you and moving onto their EXT vixtim. When you are wondering or worried about them and not caring for yourself, they are not considering anything as it concerns YOUR well-being or the hurt you are feeling because they just don’t care. A Narcissist is always so absorbed with THEMSELVES and after that horrendous discard you are just the past, but they will wring every last ounce of attention (good or bad) out of you before dumping you especially when they are moving on to their next victim – BUT, and really know this because it is huge – only if you let them!

NEVER fall into the trap of trying to redeem yourself with them because you are only reacting to more of their manipulation because they WANT to confuse you even more to keep you so far away from the truth. You can’t ever fix the past with them, change them, rescue them, save them, or communicate with them. If you do, they will just set you up to manage you down MORE and drag you back for a little or a LOT more of their abuse. A bit of advice from this survivor, and that is find ways to stop yourself from trying to re-connect with your Narcissist. You must stop completely and ignore your Narcissist with the strongest boundaries you can create! Remember, every minute you let them sit in your thoughts YOU lose a little bit more of yourself and you have already given up too much! Do not let them occupy space in your heart and mind once you know the truth about what they are – DISCARD them from your heart and mind forever.

ALL of their repressed feelings from the damage they inflicted on so many people they avoid like the plague and they just don’t deal with it. They don’t want to struggle with blaming themselves because the real truth would make them implode. Yes, they don’t care about what they have done, but remember that is how they are wired or how they rewired themselves and their internal mechanics. Their life is built on this premise so it is also their reality (or basically lack of reality). Their extreme denial represses anything that would blame them as being the problem and that is buried so deep in them and a huge part of their world or a working mechanism in their disordered personality. Clinically they dump all of this through projection or basically blaming you in a disordered and dysfunctional method for everything they have done to you. Think back to things they have accused you of or the crazy and nonsensical arguments and how you would shake your head in disbelief wondering where they came up with this garbage – that was them projecting and dumping their toxic waste onto YOU.

That is why their lives are spent running a marathon or from one trivial distraction to another, and another because they have to keep their mind busy and AWAY from the real truth of who and what they are. In my estimation, it is really pathetic when you catch on to what they are doing. Remember that they were doing this when they were with us, always searching for something or someone else and BLAMING us because we just did not offer everything they needed – but you, me and everyone else gave everything they had. This is why so many Narcissists are also addicts too, but basically they are addicted to their own neediness and seeking out some sort of external attention. All these creatures are doing is trying to escape their fate of ultimately being alone because of how damaged they are, BUT they never seek out any form of help to fix themselves. Unfortunately, they are not cuddly creatures that you can love and help because they will devour you to protect themselves from seeing their own reflection and reality and this is why they abuse us. They can’t face themselves so they ultimately blame and destroy each and every person that becomes involved in their life and calls them out for their abusive ways.

Narcissists HATE to lose so they must wage a war and WILL only pursue a victory (in their mind only)! With any argument or even the discard he/she is not pursuing YOU to get you back and make proper amends but it may LOOK like they are pursuing you. The Narcissist wants to put things right back to the way they’re SUPPOSED to be with them psychologically abusing your mind and controlling your every move. Remember if you give in, forgive, adore, and admire this creature AND take him/her back they WILL incorporate some punishment for you “abandoning” them. They want you back but on their own terms, with the same degree of selfishness, psychopathy, AND abuse. Nothing has changed and if you respond to him/her and give them another chance, you’ll regret it and keep ending up at the same place over and over again AND one day discarded completely. The story ends the same way with every relationship.

It is a vicious cycle that will only destroy you if you keep repeating it. If the Narcissist can keep you under his/her control AND they will manage you down deeper and deeper into their abuse and having a very happy time of it indeed. I hate to admit it, but I was guilty of this for 8 months after my relationship ended, but the positive thing is that I finally ‘got it’ and moved on and away from more abuse. I just didn’t understand the dynamics completely enough at the time so I kept stumbling through it.

Your only hope for success is to completely go no contact or minimal contact if you have children together. You can’t still be friends or have the occasional e-mail or ANY contact whatsoever. Narcissists who have been dumped or abandoned you will NOT be normal ‘ex’s’ any more than they were normal partners because they are abusive. Respond to a Narcissist in any manner and he/she will without a doubt hurt you and devalue you again. Every little contact, every chance encounter, will set you back in recovering from what has been a psychologically traumatic experience for you. This was a toxic bond and not any type of NORMAL relationship that will yield anything near a normal closure with them. Remember you can’t heal from the trauma you are experiencing by reconnecting to the source because it will only add more and more layers of that same trauma. If you’re going to recover from this, you MUST stay away from them. You WILL eventually get a clearer vision of reality once your mind gets some well-deserved peace AWAY from their chaos, manipulation, and abusive ways.

If you were married and have kids together, the Narcissist will make your divorce proceedings a living hell just like they did in your marriage. The Narcissist will act like they can’t wait to get rid of you, and then stall and impede the divorce as much as humanly possible just to make sure you know who’s in control. And that’s BEFORE the real nightmare begins, with the custody arrangements. You need to stay strong to get through this, AND then you still have to deal with them until the kids are grown.

I hope this information helps you understand that a Narcissist is in this only for themselves. You were never a part of anything but instead a part of their agenda to extort your reality and life and to entertain themselves. Mine played and still plays the same music but I have plugs in my ears and blinders around my eyes and I just don’t buy into any of the attempts or the garbage at all. I have moved on and found my place, happiness, and love again. This Narcissist will NEVER have a chance of ever knowing me again or even getting near to it no matter what game this Narcissist plays at. No contact means never again! I had the truth that gave me the vision I needed to return to a complete life of happiness and love and so will you if you only allow it. You must get out of the darkness to experience the light again and get back to a real life that you once knew. You will see goodness once you leave this distorted creature and their negative messages completely behind you. Give yourself that chance every day – you can never look back if you seriously want to move forward. Please stop believing the lie! No/minimal contact! Greg

%d bloggers like this: