The highs and lows of an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship. It is like a roller coaster ride with so many highs and lows as well as the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
It is all a BIG diversion to keep you confused and to control you – this is what emotional and psychological abuse is. It is easy to get a sort of addicted feeling (or obsession pattern) especially after the devastating and heart-breaking lows or when the Narcissist has abandoned you both emotionally and physically or they have been misbehaving (cheating or any number of things.) Consequently, when the Narcissist returns to you, the high feels so euphoric and BAM the pain is gone. Everything is back to NORMAL again because the Narcissist is behaving so well, he/she reinstates how much he/she loves you and can’t live without you and wants to be with you forever! It seems like an opportunity once again to fix this and get back to that feeling you once shared in the beginning or from the love bombing. Normal?? Yes that is the normal that you have been managed down to accept by allowing this cycle to continue – MORE ABUE! Sometimes during the devaluation stage the Narcissist just returns to hurt you even more and somehow that still satisfies us as a fix. It deteriorates to such a level that any contact becomes a small glimmer of hope when there is none! My Narcissist kept this up for almost a year after the relationship ended. Text messages and emails were ALL attacks or look at me in this new and wonderful relationship I have, or “I told you I would leave if you didn’t change.” What exactly should have changed in me? More willingness to accept the lies, betrayal, manipulation and psychological abuse.
I did change though by changing ME and going no contact because I finally realized I was dealing with a high level of dysfunction that was imposed on me by a disordered creature that meant to harm and destroy me. I left it at that because I didn’t need any more proof to realize what this person was because I lived it daily for far too long, so I turned inward to fix what needed fixed in me. I never returned OR put myself in a position to analyze or reanalyze this person or allow any more distorted messages/lies to be sent from this Narcissist. What basis of reality would exist by staying in contact with this monster? Only more of those distorted messages and lies that were meant to manipulate me and got me to such a terrible place. So, I left all of that behind me to move forward. You can’t create reality where there is none and I swallowed that huge pill and moved forward for me.
I could share page after page of the ridiculous stories my Narcissist told me or situations that were all lies to cover up the truth. They were horrendous lies that I could clearly see through but somehow I justified each and every one of them. My Narcissist was out having sex with someone and using stories that one of their children was sick EVEN stating that one had a terminal illness, or the Narcissist was stuck somewhere because of bad weather, (again all lies.) But I could also tell you just how this Narcissist begged me to come back each and every time this happened as well as the devaluation this Narcissist HAD to inflict on me FIRST. This was all part of the process to manage me down to inflict a little more psychological damage. It ALWAYS comes back to HOW THEY LOVE US when they really don’t, but those words “I LOVE YOU” somehow resonate a reconnection with them OR TRYING ONE MORE TIME. So, there is a rhyme to their reason. The truth here is that they are pathological liars, they betray the very people that love them, they do not consider or even care how they hurt and disable the people closest to them, they turn it around and BLAME us, they will rage at us when they are caught in their lies and punish us even more and THAT is subjugation! BUT they finally apologize and beg for us to come back after they have inflicted these layers to damage us more and CONTROL us more – we are only supply to them. DEFINITION: Sub•ju•gate – to bring under control, with the intent to conquer. To make or force subordination or enslave. The state of being under the control of another person.
The human brain works in a manner that chemicals or endorphins are released in response to something that makes us feel wonderful and that gives us that euphoric feeling. BUT the opposite is true, when the stimulus that made us feel so wonderful is withdrawn from us the production of the endorphins shuts down causing anxiety and even depression. Just simple Psychology! It is very common that a narcissist can be so incredibly charming and perfect in the beginning of the relationship (love bombing) and you fall strongly in love. As a result of all of this AND the Narcissist’s manipulative agenda, you soon become strongly addicted to your partner and you still want this love available to you. It is an amazing love and MEANT to be that way to start the cycle of abuse! In normal relationships, it is reciprocated back and together you BOTH bond or fall in love. But with a Narcissist they dangle this love in front of you and then pull it away and make you basically beg to get it back – it is conditioning and they use this method to disable us! The Narcissist is grooming you in this back and forth manner to make you dependent on them. It is dehumanizing how they psychologically abuse a good and loving person to beg for their acceptance and love, especially when they initiated the whole process by tricking us into loving them to only bring us to our knees. There is nothing simple as it concerns being brainwashed or psychologically abused in this manner.
When that Narcissist returns to us after he/she has left us for the umpteenth time it is that ‘special feeling’ we want back, and we do feel special again. BUT the feeling is not the same as in the beginning because once again it has been corrupted by the dehumanizing behavior of the Narcissist and that grows and grows with each and every situation. In reality all we are doing is hanging on to that distorted love they offer. We are only hoping and always trying to fix everything to reach the same euphoric state we always felt in the very beginning of the relationship.
It is similar to what an addict experiences when their access to their substance of choice is denied and those horrible withdrawal symptoms occur, the same thing happens in a relationship with a Narcissist (the endorphins in our mind shutting down). As soon as the love bombing or the idealization phase is over the Narcissist’s behavior changes drastically. They become cold, distant, uncaring, and even very cruel or the direct opposite. You in turn feel lost and disoriented because your Narcissist no longer loves you and they drive that point home by blaming and shaming you into believing YOU have caused this shift in the relationship. You have no idea WHAT you have done or why they have changed their behavior, and the result is that you are suddenly deprived of your “emotional drug” or them, and you experience strong withdrawal symptoms. Your mind is filled with mixed feelings of depression, anxiety and other forms of mental pain and anguish and you want it to end to get things right again!
Through all of this, and the many other times you have experienced this, you have only tried to maintain your relationship, fix it, try harder, achieve order or whatever but there is never any success in your endeavors. If your Narcissist is giving you the slightest little hint that they might still be in love with you (or connected), or even care for you, it is just getting a small dose of their love drug to keep you hanging on. It is no longer consistent and you are doing whatever you can to get to it (that small dose) after the horrible deprivation. You experience a short-lived fix and those negative and oppressive feelings disappear for a short period of time but they always return and are even stronger than the last time because of more and more managing down!
Personally, I dealt with this on a continual basis. I am not weak but I fell into the charm, love bombing, and brainwashing or subjected to the effects of this psychological abuse. That is what gets us to this chaotic state of returning over and over again to our abuser. We would never accept or react to this type of treatment if we were not vulnerable from this psychological abuse. It simply disables your reality slowly and surely or through conditioning! Yes, there was my part in all of this and I dealt with that but it is still the outcome of having this horrendous manipulation and betrayal forced into my reality but it DIDN’T or DOESN’T describe me as weak – this was abuse. Lab rats are trained to respond with deprivation and humans can be brainwashed. It is comparable to being a prisoner of war and you have no other resolve but to respond to your captors because this has become your reality. This is not a silly excuse it is the reality that this is psychological abuse and domestic violence.
This addiction or obsession is purely destructive to a target/victim’s psychological well-being and it takes time to desensitize all the messages that got the target/victim to this point. Even after the fact (the discard) the target/victim feels unsure about themselves in everyday life and even simple decision making becomes distorted from being managed down so much – just another sign of the reality of this abuse. Many experience Post Traumatic Stress disorder or basically trauma like they were in a war zone. Targets/victims don’t just jump into a new relationship with vigor or trust and leave all of the psychological damage behind. A Narcissist will be in a new relationship within minutes of their departure, yelling to the world that YOU abused them and they had to run and never looked back to save themselves. Just another one of their little surprises to make sure they drive the abuse even deeper and we are completely traumatized. Just a strong identifying aspect of what they do. It is traumatizing to say the least.
A target/victim never walks away from this abuse as a strong and healthy individual – sometimes both mentally and physically. This is serious business and unfortunately some targets/victims walk away without the necessary help to recover from this abuse. Please as you read this understand that it requires your commitment to go no-contact, a strong education about these critters, support from other victims/survivors and any professional help to get you through this. Don’t spend your time trying to understand your Narcissist because they are what they are – ABUSERS. You have already invested your emotions and time into this for too long with NO SUCCESS and nothing is EVER going to change. Your time and energy need to be directed to your recovery process. All of the psychological abuse has to be purged out of your system. This is WHY we feel so depressed, full of anxiety or completely void of that feeling of how our life was once happy or basically traumatized. We don’t want the Narcissist back, we will only end up responding to the many distorted and hypnotizing messages used to extort our life and love. Knowledge is power, the more you know about your “enemy” the better you can fight it. In this case the enemy is the mental abuse inflicted onto and into you or this addiction to return to your narcissistic partner to fix this or fix the narcissist. Understanding the reasons that are causing your negative emotions makes it easier for you to gain back control of your life. No/minimal contact! Greg
You ARE literally hanging on by a thread! YOU are all that is important now. We must acknowledge the truth and move on and away from this Narcissist and the abuse! You WILL get through this and RECOVER.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
It is very hard to accept that you must TOTALLY separate yourself from this toxic and poisonous person you have loved but you must also prefix the relationship and experience with the concept that you were a target/victim of a Narcissist and abuse. Those two words were never a part of your everyday vocabulary prior to this toxic relationship AND you have probably just realized that this may be your reality. Prior to this you believed that this was all about love and that was a very strong MESSAGE that was ingrained into your reality by this person (the Narcissist). This is what you believed and probably will for some time yet. Yes, the bad/horrendous times have brought you here today to the realization that this relationship has gone so terribly wrong – BUT the concept that you love this person still remains in the forefront even with all of the abusive behavior you have experienced because you are so confused. This now becomes your plight OR to align the truth with your situation that this was a highly disordered person that conned you into this desperate and abusive love.
That love just DOESN’T go away the minute you realize the real truth that this was abuse. The emotional bond confuses you and puts you in and out of the denial that this is abuse and still holds you captive AND for far too long. Along with this love you have distorted and debilitating messages from this toxic relationship that have you frozen in fear, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, extreme loss, and vulnerable. How can you come to terms and understand this and come to the reality that this person you were with is severely disordered and has harmed so much of you and your life AND move on? There will be no conventional closure to this, just a journey that will tug and pull at your heart and mind in so many debilitating ways. But you must take this journey with all of the stumbling, falls, setbacks and pain to recover. It is a must for you to return to a normal life because your love and life was not meant to be used/abused by this predator – NOR, should you have to pay a debt for the rest of your life and suffer with the ambient abuse that keeps you silent, in fear, and locked up in this emotional upheaval.
To start on this journey, you must examine the thoughts, actions, and deeds that also relate to this love experience that has gone so wrong and actualize the truth about this relationship. This was a horrendous experience and very disabling. There is nothing that can change the past but there is something that can change the future and that is you and your ability to get past this. You more than likely feel that you can’t be without this person you LOVE, and you will never find another person who you can love as strongly AND completely. But the person you love/loved is a Narcissist that abused you. They have intentionally created this scenario to keep you chained to the abuse to only USE you and extort what they could from your life and make you feel like YOU are the bad person, worthless and THEIR abuser! But you feel confused, so disoriented, full of anxiety, depressed, betrayed and you are still trying to hold onto your relationship and make it work at any cost and stop the madness and the pain. Even with these truths why are you still hanging on and believing. What has you frozen and unable to move forward now that you have the knowledge of how destructive this has been to you? Unfortunately, this ‘hold’ is consuming your whole spirit and debilitating to you! If you were able to allow yourself the necessary space and clarity you would understand this so much more clearly than where you are now with all of these confusing thoughts. You must run, walk, or crawl forward to get to this clarity to break the chain of this abuse with no/minimal contact. Then with time away from this Narcissist along with some knowledge and education you will start on your path to recovery because it will provide you with the CLARITY to see past the emotional bond that this was situational and THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
To start with please understand that your “love” towards this Narcissist is/was just an illusion, a mental trap that you fell into, and your heart and mind believe it is/was real! In reality the memories, dreams, and those precious things you imagine you shared with your Narcissist do not exist AT ALL – they were a mirage created personally for YOU by this con artist to get into your heart AND more importantly into your head. This Narcissist was/is stringing you along to keep their agenda alive and only using you as their PRESENT source of supply. When they are done with you they will just move on and leave you disabled and nearly destroyed as well as the fact that they have probably had many other relationships going on WHILE they were pretending to be with you. Even the family that you may have created with this Narcissist is subject to abuse and are disposable to this creature. These are horrendous and terrifying thoughts but this Narcissist doesn’t care one iota about you or anything now that they are done with you and have taken everything, even your spirit. So, ask yourself how many times you have TRIED to work this out and got nowhere so maybe now you can tell yourself it is done and time to move in another direction and away from the Narcissist and the abuse. It is the only direction you can take so that you can heal. How much pain have you felt INSIDE of the relationship and isn’t it wiser to end the relationship with the healing truth that will purge the abuse out of your head and heart AND yes there will be pain involved but it WILL go away!
All of this will take you a while to wrap your head around because it is just so out of your context as a person with empathy and love. But ABUSE is/was your reality in this toxic dance that the Narcissist created to trap you into their needy and abusive world and as their source of supply. Their manipulation and brain-washing kept you connected by managing you down and then reeling you right back in to keep you dancing in a dizzying circle until they found other supply and then moved on. This is ALWAYS the pattern! BUT you believed in this illusion with so much depth and now you must accept the reality that you have a major role in recovering from this and dispelling what you believed as far as them being anything real in your life. It is unfortunate that this is what you are left with but your recovery depends upon you taking an active role in breaking this disordered connection and bond to move on and away from the insanity. This message is so important, but you must never accept that this message says that you are WRONG, DESERVING, WORTHLESS, or a DEFECTIVE person that allowed this to happen to you because you wanted this. That is absurd and will result in you staying in this dance by yourself forever and believing that you could have done something to fix this or relate to this Narcissist’s disordered abuse to make this right! That Narcissist was never there for you EVER and will never be there for you in any capacity but to control you, harm you, and abuse you more! These confusing messages are directly related to the manipulation you experienced from this Narcissist and they are the messages you NEED to turn off – both the positive and negative messages that have you chasing your tail in circles. In time reality is going to bring you a totally new picture of just how terribly disordered this Narcissist is and it will more than likely be appalling and repulsive to you. Please practice patience and self-compassion with yourself and realize that each new day is one day nearer to recovery and total freedom from them. Don’t measure your progress by the pain you feel but by the strength that you have shown to get through another day. YES, you are stronger than you know because you survived this abuse and that Narcissist ran off because they knew you were too strong for their lies and agenda!
You may be afraid to lose the love of your Narcissistic spouse, partner, friend or family member, because nobody wants to lose someone they love. This is the reason that totally connects you to that pain you are feeling. But when you realize that you never had that love in the first place and actualize how this has negatively impacted your life, it will open a huge door of reality and make it somewhat easier for you to let go of the emotional relationship you had with a Narcissist and heal yourself. It may not feel like it but the pain AND anger is part of the process of letting go by lifting yourself up and empowering yourself with the TRUTH. The actual abuse is a different aspect of healing because it was psychological in nature and purposely imposed on you through this fake love to get you to dance with this Narcissist. It has planted so many negative messages into your mind that defines you as the source of the problem as well as worthless and defective – just part of the cycle of this abuse! Many times, we still connect the two (fake love and the abuse) in a manner that makes it so difficult to actualize these two things without blaming ourselves and thinking our love was defective. Just remember they are abusers and the defective ones and their cycle of abusing you had nothing to do with you personally. Keep those two thoughts in perspective and separated so that the love doesn’t distort the truth again and pull you back in. They are abusers and this was ABUSE! No/minimal contact to get you back to the amazing person you are! Greg
Me, Myself, and I. At its core narcissism is very simple because it solely operates on the principle that the narcissist’s needs come first and foremost! There is no ‘you’ in the relationship other than your physical presence and being a servant that must ‘supply’ them with what they came for and THAT is it!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
It is NOT just simple selfishness it is profound, delusional, and self-serving selfishness the manner in which a narcissist manipulates the world around them to serve their MANY needs. But the key feature of narcissism is that the principle is the very basis of their personality – better yet it is their COMPLETE persona. They tell “themselves” about what happens in every aspect of every situation that crosses their delusional mind. This includes how the Narcissist construes events, how they construe other people, how they construe themselves. Whatever they creatively invent OR “feel” becomes fact with them and then it becomes written in stone. So what is convenient for them to believe about something is what they believe. It’s a make believe world of a child with all of their toys laid out in front of them and they play with them in any manner they want to, and rule over and control these toys AND even smash them. It is their fantasy world where everything is an object that they control to meet and feed the fantasy that they create. One toy doesn’t mean any more or less than any other toy – in fact none of them have a particular meaning other than to serve the child.
Clinically it goes like this; their sense of reality is driven pervasively and fundamentally by their personality needs. It is all about imposing their wishes, actions, and perspectives on all aspects of reality. They will even get married and start a family, but in reality it is all part of the illusion they create to serve them. They have no respect for the sanctity of marriage as an institution, nor even the family they create, it was all a need at that time and they used it to their advantage. They are a big out-of-control and abusive LIE!
It also means that narcissists can be profoundly charming. If you have something they want, even if it is just being a good “listening audience” then they can be great fun. The problem comes when normal reality (or our needs) conflicts with their reality of the narcissist’s NEEDS comes first. This is where the phrase “omnipotent” comes from. They are the king or queen of the world, they create it, rule it, govern it, and if you dare break OR question any of their rules or laws you are subject to imprisonment, and punishment. Push them too hard and you may end up in a guillotine about to have your head taken away from you, or better yet abandonment from their world.
Sadly enough in their kingdom they chose subjects to serve them in personal ways. They create “their” version of Narcissistic love that can best be described as creating a relationship that they will allow you to love them if you serve their delusions completely and ask for nothing in return. It is nothing even near love, but surprisingly enough they write a love story for each and every target and act it out to capture the heart and trust of the person they are exploiting. Suddenly, they become utterly unreliable, promises mean nothing, and companionship means nothing. The basis of the relationship is deception through lies, betrayal, harsh manipulation, constant punishment, and annihilation of the person they allowed to serve them. It is as if they have a general code and standard — their needs come first and we are tricked into this world and then we are discarded because our needs will and do become apparent as they naturally would in any relationship.
If you try to call them out on any of this, you will find that you can never really reach them. They live in a self-policing fortress of these self-serving needs. Everything gets construed to fit these needs. The first person they lie to is themselves, so in their mind they are utterly sincere in their actions because they make up the rules or laws – or better yet it is a huge con job built on lies that requires complete compliancy from us. Every event, their actions, your actions, just get redefined to maintain the delusional principle that their needs comes first or me, me, me and never you, you, you! They cannot see themselves for what they are because it is a “false/fake created self” and they live in a fortress to protect this image or “their reality”. Exposure would define them as a liar and abusive person not only to the world around them, but to themselves – and that is what they fear the most. They don’t believe there’s anything wrong with them so they don’t see the need to fix it – whatever problems they encounter are always someone else’s fault.
There is no reality, including in what words and actions mean, this is what makes Narcissists so destructive, and so disorienting to deal with. The hardest thing to realize is that they do not think as you/we do. Behaviors and words which you would normally construe in particular or normal ways simply do not have the SAME status and meaning you think they do, because the principle of their needs comes first and trumps everything, including how they construe events, you and themselves. They are simply not operating on the same reality principle you/we are.
Narcissists have huge self-esteem issues in that they sacrifice almost everything (and anyone) to shore themselves up and hide it behind a fake mask that they wear. There is nothing else there (like reality and a real personality) to support anything else but this delusional mask.
Again, this is what makes dealing with a narcissist so disorienting, since there is no real meaning, or even a factual basis to rely on. There is no consistency in the relationship beyond their needs (which can, of course, change – even from moment to moment). They even can change their source of supply from moment to moment or have more than one relationship going on. Words and actions do not have the meaning that would be commonly or normally ascribed to them. If you would confront them about a situation like one of their affairs they will simply lie and deny it. There is never the motive to change themselves because the harm is generally inflicted on others but they don’t even consider what another person would feel no matter what harm they may cause them by their actions. They seem to lack any mechanism to stop them from acting on their every whim as if they are totally-out-of-control to feed their empty void. Nothing has any value to them beyond satisfying themselves not even their own biological children.
The most prevalent thing that narcissists do is contradict themselves. They will do this virtually in the same sentence, without even stopping to take a breath. When you ask them which one they mean, they’ll deny ever saying the first one, though it may literally have been only a few seconds since they said it – really, how could you think they’d ever have said that? You need to have your head examined! They will contradict FACTS. They will lie to you about things that you did together. They will misquote you to yourself. They will outright lie about everything. If you disagree with them, they’ll say you’re lying, making stuff up, or are crazy. This all boils down to their methods of debasing us to protect their delusional world through manipulation, betrayal, gas-lighting, brain-washing, backstabbing, smearing and every other clinical word ascribed to them. It is basically how they control their victims and basically push them to the edge of insanity!
They are the classic emotional vampires who cannot see themselves in the mirror while being profoundly disorienting, and infuriating to deal with. The extent to which they do this and the self-delusion involved with a Narcissist is staggering as well as the reality of your relationship with them. Do they really think that you/we do not remember what happened? Apparently not. But to sum it up, there is no ‘you’ as an actual-person in all this, there is merely whatever picture of you that fits the needs of the narcissist at any given moment. Test them and they will debase you and punish you severely.
Second, there is no ‘what actually happened’ either, there is merely what the narcissist wants to “remember” as having happened. Which means there is no conversation to be had, or no meaningful interaction EVER. There is nothing beyond the narcissist’s delusional representation of what they decide is reality to them or what they need to manipulate a person to get what they want. The narcissist’s armor of self-delusion means that nothing will ever get through, not in the ordinary course of events. So nothing useful will come out of it either. It is a losing battle trying to resolve conflict with them because they are equipped with an arsenal of tools to make you a prisoner of their delusional world and you must serve them accordingly or else!
This makes interacting with a narcissist more like an unfortunate happening or more of a personal and unnatural disaster than a fulfilling personal interaction in any meaningful sense as far as it concerns the ‘human condition!’ What compounds the situation is that they are biologically like us – they even speak, act and look like the rest of us. So, and I mean A BIG “SO” – at many levels we have accepted what they said as mattering to the point of our very demise. Then again they are a person after all and we trusted them especially if they were a person who was emotionally important to you (us) and we have never dealt with such dishonesty and delusion at this level before or were educated in the inner works of a Narcissist – so a big ‘oops’ to that. So, with that in mind it is very disorienting to have to constantly figure out what they say and do because WHAT THEY SAY AND DO does not have the real and ordinary meanings and consequences as what we say and do. In simpler words, we strived to find reality or something about them that we could believe so we justified way too much reaching out to find that normalcy once again – the one we knew when they were charming us to death. Narcissists are the direct opposite and profoundly undermine our reality, as well as our trust in ourselves and others. Basically, we fell into the trap of the abuse and slowly but surely were brainwashed to accept the lies, the blame and shame, and every other insidious thing they did just for being a real person and nothing more. That is not an easy thing to reason out – but then again we will ‘get it’ with a good dose of knowledge, education, time, and the truth.
Narcissists do not have a REAL working personality quite the same way other normal people have because the narcissist creates a façade that is ‘personality like’ but not real by any sense of the word. That is the first, last and hardest lesson of dealing with a Narcissist– they do not think as you/we do. Sadly, it was a destructive lesson we learned and paid for dearly. How could we have done better without the knowledge we learned after the abuse. I guess we should have run away the first time we had doubts or red flags, but we didn’t because we just didn’t quite get it until we finally got it! It didn’t make us a bad person, it harmed us but we are the same loving and awesome person we always were. We must get back up, brush ourselves off, spend some quality time with ourselves, educate ourselves, and let the truth be our guide to see we had no part in deserving this abuse – we unfortunately were the next target/victim of the disordered Narcissist. No/minimal contact! Greg
Narcissists loosely ‘pretend’ to care or love us for as long as we do what they want us to do for them or basically serve the particular purpose that we were PERSONALLY sourced out for.
Narcissists loosely ‘pretend’ to love us for as long as we do what they want us to do for them or again serve them. In reality we call that their ‘façade’ and one of many that they use charm or seduce their targets into their distorted agenda. Once we no longer serve a particular purpose that ‘charm’ starts dwindling away because they get bored, then the Narcissist starts cashing out on this empty investment that was only reinforced by many lies and false promises. That is when you START to get your answer or your ‘ah ha’ moment that this isn’t real love. It is never an answer in any normal sense of the word where the Narcissist gives you a justifiable reason because there is none to give, you are just fixed into their agenda to meet their needs and they are not going to admit to this OR you wouldn’t be a functional source of supply for very long or even at all. When your time is up and they are bored and ready to move onto new supply, THEN the words come from your Narcissist that are full of blame, accusations, hate, and destruction. They want to bury you under more lies and destroy your integrity so they can back out of their real agenda (to abuse you) and move onto the next person to use and abuse. They do this to avoid exposure. This is how they walk through life! Don’t forget that these creatures devalue people in a manner to psychologically abuse them by managing people down to believe their distorted accusations like you are mentally ill, defective, undeserving, worthless, and anything else to make you feel like you deserve this so you always reach out to them to help fix this distorted love WHILE YOU ARE STILL A VIABLE SOURCE. This dependency is what becomes so damaging to your spirit and integrity and what makes you so vulnerable as well as disables you with disbelief. This is the cycle of this abuse and what takes you on that journey to heal so many things that this Narcissist has destroyed in your life. This is a big ‘ah ha’ moment for everyone that has been with one of these creatures but very disabling when it becomes reality! This was a COMPLETE betrayal of your trust, your love and your whole being – or your core beliefs!
This is why letting go can be so hard for the target/victim because there are REAL emotions from REAL love that is strongly attached or mixed in with the psychological abuse and it confounds the recovery process just as it did throughout the entire distorted relationship. This love was only a means to an end with this Narcissist and there was NOTHING real about it. It becomes very confusing because even though it was all based on lies and a huge façade somehow you still love them and STILL want to sort through all of the deception to make it right with YOUR concept of that real love. This is the abuse born out of the extreme manipulation that the Narcissist created to keep you there. The loving connection you feel or felt was in place FIRST and is now lost in the behavior and circumstances of the real abuse or the devaluation and discard phases that appear LATER because of the strong manipulation and brain-washing! That may seem ridiculous to people that have never been conned into a relationship as seamlessly as a Narcissist does to their targets/victims, but they have not experienced what can be best described as psychological terrorism or psychological rape. You bonded with your trust and love to an abusive creature that doesn’t think twice about harming you, nor do they care if they hurt or destroy you as long as they get what they want.
Being on the receiving end of Narcissistic love can, will, and does make us feel like we need to try harder because of the extreme EMOTIONAL manipulation they use to keep us hanging on and we spend vast amounts of time and energy trying to fix this relationship. We were given a vision in the beginning that this was real love and we became emotionally bonded to this vision BECAUSE that was part of the big game. Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try, we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person (our Narcissist) BUT we believe that somehow it is up to us to fix the relationship because that is what the Narcissist uses as control and power over us to keep believing and hanging on while they extort our entire life away from us. This Narcissist lacks any and all emotions, empathy, and love for anything other than themselves. So what is left for us to interpret? Superficial connections and objectification which are not functional by any means, but meant to make us believe that there is something real for us there – AND AGAIN – until the Narcissist is done with us. A Narcissist can’t connect to themselves yet alone to anyone else so everything they do is superficial (fake) as it concerns bonding or a real relationship with people. They are amazingly adept at this game because most importantly it is a NEEDED part of their survival (agenda) and it is not terribly difficult for them because they are more or less mimicking the human condition or memorizing emotions, actions, reactions, etc. to seem like they are real and they have gotten pretty good at that BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT WORKS and there is a huge payoff for them!
While you keep trying to hang on to this relationship you are only burying yourself deeper and deeper in the darkness and the void that defines a Narcissist and feeding their agenda. It is this daily struggle that is so unfulfilling and damaging, as well as makes you feel so unhappy, confused, and worthless. Beyond that there is going to be a huge eye opener with the full devaluation this creature is going to throw at you when your time is up with them. It is virtually impossible to love a Narcissist normally because you are only plugging yourself into their game of abuse as their PRESENT source of supply. They are literally using up every bit of your energy and your life and reaping all the benefits. You can’t love a Narcissist because they are invisible and all you are seeing is a projected image to fool you and that would be like hugging air AND trying to love it as well.
A Narcissist can’t even see their real self, that is why they create all of these images/facades because they are completely empty and this is what they do to avoid seeing that dark reflection of themselves in a mirror. They need this reflection to feel some sort of reality as well as to get the things they need as a human being that they can’t because they are a dark, angry, and empty void. They avoid self-reflection so completely that they will defend their false image and destroy you for making them accountable for what they really are – we could make up a new descriptive phrase and call it ‘self-deflection.’ There is such a mystery to them and that in itself becomes an addiction because we thought we saw a flicker of a real person and real love but there was none and we keep searching for it and somehow blame ourselves for the loss of that image! BUT…… that idea that ‘if we just try hard enough, we will find a way to create that authentic connection’ or revive it. Unfortunately, it only kept us tied up in a relationship that really only revolved around our functionality, but it always seemed to hold the unspoken promise of one day becoming a real connection of unconditional love with us. There NEVER could be anything other than that false connection or that ‘façade’ that tricked us into this abusive and desperate love.
The message that was always there was that we had to keep changing to meet this critter’s needs and unfortunately we listened to this and made it our goal. It was only a diversion to control us and that is the vicious cycle we get so caught up in and end up losing ourselves completely. Trying harder is not going to unlock the magic door to their unavailable and dead soul because you are dealing with a needy void and not a NORMAL person. The unfortunate consequence to this is that you will have to grieve this empty love just as if it were real. Unfortunately, there is the psychological damage that destroyed your integrity (and trust of people) that is also attached and it requires many, many steps to actualize the entirety of this BUT we must take this journey forward to recovery or remain a casualty forever and that is not an option!
Believing in them kept the painful reality at bay. At some point we must see the truth and accept it as well as the fact that it is impossible to love or be loved by the Narcissist. The real picture will unfortunately reveal itself and you will hear things that will make you feel sick to your stomach. You will question yourself in so many ways and beat yourself up over all of it. Why didn’t you see this coming, why did you keep trying and hanging onto this monster? You will feel defective and worthless and maybe even deserving of all of this! It is not answerable in any one given manner as far as applying the fault to yourself. Let it go because that doesn’t help you achieve clarity, nor opens a door to recover from this toxic relationship. It only sends you deeper into this abuse by blaming yourself! You must accept the real truth to move forward and stop the defective images of the manipulation that reside in your heart and mind. Narcissists PLAY big time games and they are completely unavailable to ANYONE in this world. The person you were before this was conned and the person you are now is still being conned and you MUST get away completely to achieve clarity and move on. In reality we all know it takes two to have a healthy relationship, and there were two in this relationship and one person was real but unfortunately the other one pretended to be real because they had an agenda to make this SEEM real so they could use you and they were seamless with the game.
Your heart is unconditional and you are full of goodness and empathy, but protect that now that you have started to close that door to this Narcissist because they will always welcome you back for more abuse! If you have ever tried to really help a Narcissist as most of us have you know that if you get too close to the truth of what they are, it will blow up in your face and cause you horrendous damage. The Narcissist doesn’t want to be fixed or have their issues solved. They want to escape with absolutely NO accountability to the truth as it concerns them, they will ALWAYS blame others for their problems and the way they ABUSE people. No matter what you say or do, the Narcissist will shift all of the blame back onto you! Attempting to reason or demanding accountability would be like throwing acid in their face and they will find every reason to divert from divulging the truth. It is a tactic on their part that they have used all of their life. Blaming others keeps the Narcissist at arm’s length from their true darkness as well as their many issues. They have spent their entire life living under this shield of protection and you or nobody else can make them see the truth. They will strike out at you in such a manner that will hurt you more than you already are and destroy your integrity to others in the process.
So despite everything you truly and deeply loved this person, or a Narcissist! Somewhere deep down inside of you there are feelings that have been buried and have only shown up as feelings of frustration because of how hard you tried. Let these feelings surface. Society has sort of taught through imposed beliefs how we are supposed to feel as well as what we are not supposed to feel, but this is very different and deserves respect and patience because it is abuse! We are told we MUST NOT be victims. Unfortunately, we are victims but we never wanted this or to become one. It is a reality that must be processed to heal and that is understanding it all. I hate the word victim but I understand my reality and I am not going to write it off in favor of being stigmatized by a word. I lived through something called abuse from a monster that blamed me, isolated me from life, and disabled me – so I am not going to acknowledge a frame of reference that disallows my recovery because of a label someone created that now tells me I am even MORE wrong and must not speak out. Victim’s become survivors by actualizing the truth! We all know how damaging it can be if we stay in this victim role, but that is our FIRST cry for help because we need support, education, love and a hand to pull us back up. I have heard from too many people that buried so much of this and it resurfaces and locks them up in many years of mistrust and isolation because they were told to move on. Educate yourself, get healthy again and then work on ‘you!’ YES, you must move on and away from everything Narcissist once you get it and stop talking abuse or Narcissist because YOU are what is important now. It is a personal process and different for everyone! No/minimal contact. Greg
Narcissists exploit the human need to their own advantage by camouflaging themselves with EMOTIONS to create a connection or an open door to our brain through our emotions and hearts.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Narcissists adopt and then discard belief systems to meet their MANY needs in securing their supply as easily as a person would change their clothes to suit a particular “look.” The Narcissist knows that identifying with another person’s beliefs is the basis for strong bonding and acceptance. It is a highly deceptive form of camouflage that Narcissists use every day to manipulate people into every aspect of their lives. The Narcissist does this because they lack real emotions and empathy so they mimic or imitate values, beliefs, actions, communication or anything that COULD be identified as having emotions as well as goodness to make the connection that they NEED to obtain or better yet trap a person as a source of ‘supply.’ I better and more simple phrase would be that they are expert ‘con artists!’
If a Narcissist can successfully identify with the targets belief, plans, goals, dreams, etc., the target/victim will often succumb to the deception and offer up whatever the deceiver is targeting. With the Narcissist it is total exploitation of the target/victim. The Narcissist employs this tactic with ease like a thief or extortionist trying to find the right combination to unlock a safe but with a Narcissist it is our heads. Always remember that a Narcissist uses this façade on every person that they encounter and in every situation where there are people present. Supply to a Narcissist is many things but basically getting something they want or need from another person! It could be a relationship, a minion, a physical encounter, GAIN because of an association with somebody, financial rewards, power, etc.
Narcissists can deceive by quickly adopting ideas and beliefs to meet their agenda to conquer and then abuse. BUT in fact they are not strongly attached to, or form true beliefs and values beyond their own grandiosity and self-importance and vast neediness. A normal person can make connections with their own feelings and emotions (empathy) and this ‘connection’ with one’s own feelings allows them to develop and live in accordance with real values that allow them to function to include other people in their world. A normal person that has developed a real value system does not violate this system by harming other people. Society has rules that separate us as the normal functioning human being with the opposite being a non-functioning or not fully functioning human being. Given that Narcissists are emotionally dead, then it follows they lack these internal mechanisms or signals and so they also lack constraint for their actions and impulses, and vast neediness – the Narcissist fits the category of non-functioning human being. They live in a world where they serve every out-of-control need because there are no constraints to stop them from acting on whatever they want. They lack empathy so they just don’t care and are not accountable for their negative actions. People become their objects to use for their short term or long term needs as well as abuse.
Narcissists know how to introduce themselves and engage with another person in order to find out their personal life story, interests, and ask who they are and what they stand for. They know how to manipulate you right into their lair with charm that is really a key to gaining your trust and to open your mind like a safe to find all of the valuables you have hidden away. Many people want affirmation about their beliefs and are open and become vulnerable when another person empathically affirms them or identifies with them as having a strong and common connection. This is what opens up our minds to the Narcissist so they can crawl in there and extort everything they can. They are ALSO looking for weaknesses they can exploit in the future!
Narcissists manipulate others via faking emotions which most people read as being authentic and accurate, and respond accordingly as normal people do. The use of the right “emotion” at the right time opens up the person emotionally to the detached and cold narcissist who is watching from behind their own fake persona, like a predator stalking prey, waiting to seize the person emotionally. The Narcissist’s emotional camouflage is strikingly convincing and fools most people upon who they use it on.
Narcissist overcompensate for their devoid and emotionless self with extreme charm or charisma, AND fake personality. Narcissists are seductive by nature and disarm others with seductive charm, talk, gestures, and alluring messages designed to appeal to the victim and connect with just what the Narcissist feels the victim needs at that moment. This is what snares the victim, especially when the Narcissist comes attractively packaged with a huge bow and bright wrapping paper, unfortunately there is no present to be found under all that wrapping and huge bow – it is just a bottomless, dark and NEEDY empty box.
Narcissists exploit this human need to their own advantage by camouflaging themselves with EMOTIONS to create a connection or an open door to our brain through our normal/natural emotions and hearts. Manipulation and positive affirmation of our “personal beliefs and likes” induces a form of disorientation so we begin to trust and then our identity or persona is compromised by the Narcissist. It allows us to feel safe, having our values/emotions reinforced and mirrored back to us, and establishes a strong connection and even love. Narcissists know that if they can take an individual in this manner and at this level they have that key to deeply penetrate and manipulate an individual. The victims are hooked and will deeply connect to the narcissistic predator – simply it is the basic’s that we have grown up with and that is trust, falling in love, or loving a person. Unfortunately, it is not normal by any means because it is the act of the Narcissist manipulating us through mirroring to GET US THERE – or they take us from ‘Charm to Harm!’
The unfortunate aspect with a Narcissist is that there is an agenda that follows where they extort and start attacking our belief system through horrendous acts of betrayal, brain-washing, gas-lighting, lying, stealing, etc., to virtually debase, dehumanize and destroy us. This is when the Narcissist reveals their pathology and act upon their destructive nature. They CANNOT keep that façade up forever because it is unnatural to them. This is the cycle of their abuse. This is where the Narcissist’s mask slips and the loathsome creature from within rears its fangs and attempts to devour us after they have gained entry into our lives. What is the sense in all of this – none, this describes their personality disorder and their destructive nature. It is not only extorting everything they can but destroying us in the process to punish us to protect their real identity. This was all just a process of being abused – there was never any connection at a human level – just a predator stalking, wounding, and killing its prey to feed! This was situational abuse.
Narcissists do not only use their charm and destructive manipulation on partners and in relationships, this is their main tool they use in every aspect of their life. They are in a constant ‘manipulation/camouflage’ mode or charming every person in every walk of life. Sadly, enough this includes mothers, fathers, and brothers/sisters or abusing other family member’s even parents abusing their own biological children. It includes work environments where the Narcissist triangulates other employees to damage the work force as well as bosses doing the same. They may hide behind the camouflage of the local church, a charity, political movement, professional group, or corporation. They may obtain a professional degree and have a career or profession such as a doctor, lawyer, preacher, CEO, or in the psychological field OR they may completely FAKE a degree to get where they want in life. The world is their playground and we are their toys to play with and throw in a heap when they are through playing with us.
A Narcissist need only join and listen to find out what motivates and drives a person or even a group. Narcissists will then absorb and mimic the dynamics available to them to exploit, pillage, and use every opportunity to take all the supply they can, ultimately causing extreme destruction to the people that they exploit. We have to know and actualize the truth about these Narcissists and then move forward with that truth to start on our road to recovery. You are an amazing human being that CAN heal from this attack and repurpose yourself to join the world again. No/minimal contact always! Greg
There are many corrupt internal messages that the abuse has imprinted on your mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
After this relationship ends there will be psychological, emotional, as well as personal issues that you will have to deal with. This abuse is not just about the horrendous things your abuser did to you because that is now the past and the abusive aspect. What you are having to face is today and dealing with the damage from this abuse or things that have changed many of your perspectives concerning your belief system, thought processes, your worth, your mind and your heart. You adapted in a damaging way to become functional where there was no real function for you in this relationship because it was a desperate love that you were conditioned into believing you didn’t deserve because there was something wrong with YOU! The abuse manipulated you and managed you down in such a manner that it basically brain-washed you as well as traumatized you in the process of trying to achieve a cohesive or loving relationship. You were reacting to the fear of loss that was imposed on you to conform or be forced out by the Narcissist. It doesn’t define you as weak, a fool, dumb or any of the above it is just a fact of what this abuse does.
Many corrupt messages were delivered from this abuse that have been imprinted on your heart and mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had. These certain changes that took place over the course of the abuse must be undone so you can become the person that you want to be, or the person you were before the abuse.
There are many lists out there that basically describe what a victim/target of emotional and psychological abuse experiences so I wanted to put this out there as reference:
•constantly hearing that internalized and critical voice from the negative messages that were implanted into your head and heart from your abuser
•wondering why you are not feeling happier now that you have moved on and away from the abuse as you believe you should be feeling
•feelings of insecurity concerning how you appear to others, or feeling a need to always explain yourself, or just uncertainty of how you fit into this world
•feeling angry, suffering anxiety and depression and sometimes questioning your own sanity
•the feeling that time is passing you by and you are missing out on many things in your life or basically you are stuck in a dark and ominous void
•a strong feeling that you don’t want to be the person you are or overly sensitive to your situation
•feeling hesitant to accept your own perceptions about things as compared to before when you were very decisive about most everything
•a feeling like you want to run away or completely escape your present situation
•a sense of worthlessness and failure where before you felt confident with your abilities
•a loss of enthusiasm and spontaneity and trust of life
•living in a perpetually guarded state or always protecting yourself from being hurt through avoidance and isolation
•thinking and feeling that something is wrong with you
•constant soul searching and reviewing past incidents in the hope of determining what went wrong, even obsessing
•a strong loss of self-confidence compounded by a growing feeling of self-doubt and always feeling the need to apologize for who you are
•living in the future instead of the present, believing everything will be good when this, that, and whatnot happens – but you also feel it is not happening and you feel your life is basically over as it concerns finding true happiness again
•having a distrust of people, future relationships and settling that you may be alone because you are unlovable or don’t offer enough for another person to love you, or that you are worthless
Those are some of the things that may be cycling through your thoughts and mind. These disabling thoughts are directly related to the managing down, manipulation, and the negative messages from the abuse. These are the very things that you must conquer, desensitize or extinguish because if not you will be imprisoned by these messages forever. Becoming healthy again is replacing these distorted messages and returning to ‘the old you’ that existed before the abuse. The most important thing here is learning to trust and love yourself again and then reigniting those old belief systems BUT with new boundaries and introspection – this only happens with self-compassion and understanding that most if not all of these distorted thoughts came to you from a personality disordered person that you must now put out of your mind and life forever!
This abuse doesn’t stop the very day you walk away from a psychologically and emotionally abusive partner. It more than likely may continue to affect you long after you are out of the relationship until you completely educate yourself about this abuse or what psychological and emotional abuse is! It is unfortunate that you and I have had to experience this and are left disabled and damaged by our abuser BUT we can’t allow it to affect and destroy the remainder of our life by staying imprisoned with these thoughts. You were an amazing person before the abuse and you are going to be more than that when you recover and become a survivor with new boundaries and a new perspective when you get back to life and living again.
Psychological and emotional abuse is any judgement, from ANY source, that humiliates, undermines and paralyses you. People do have a right to comment on errors you have made, but they are NEVER justified in suggesting that those errors undermine your human worth or dehumanize you through a personal attack. If you think about your abuse with a Narcissist, this was a slow and insidious day by day and CONSTANT manipulation of your character. It was mixed with love and you were thrown a little bone now and then, but that was only to pull you back into the abuse and managed down more or negative conditioning. It was a horrendous manipulation of your mind, character and integrity by a disordered person, dehumanization and purely sadistic. They are the sick one here and not you but you have been damaged and disabled by your connection with them.
This abuse keeps you hyper focused on the past by only viewing the present and the future through the negative perspective of the abusive relationship or those negative messages that were forced into your head and heart. When you’re in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship, the Narcissist always reminded you of everything you have ever done wrong and basically told you that you will never change. They do this with the constant managing down with something new or old and remind you of it constantly. There was never much that was ever directed at you in a positive manner either, instead everything you did was devalued where you continually strived to do better in response to the devaluation and that became your normal with them. What did this make you feel like? Worthless! Basically it is the devaluation stage of the abuse and that is where these negative messages became imprinted on your mind! AGAIN – it is insidious and sadistic or dehumanization of a human being.
Psychological and emotional abuse basically brainwashes you into accepting whatever negative things your abuser said about you as real or your reality and worth as a person. They make you so vulnerable through the devaluation process that it confuses AND disables your reality which in turns undermines your own opinion of yourself AND then you believe they must be right because they are so relentless and angry about these so called things you do. The Narcissist is HEAVILY invested in their agenda to devalue you so they can maintain their power and control over you! Their attacks are traumatizing with their desperate convictions, lies, betrayal, accusations and so much more.
Narcissists do not think the same way the rest of us do as far as it concerns empathy, love, and support because it would allow us to be individuals that think independently or outside of their controlling and abusive nature. What is logical and reasonable to us, is the absolute opposite to them because it does NOT exist in their world. It’s one of the reasons healthy people get so frustrated and confused and ABUSED by Narcissists. We would never consider making someone angrier or more upset – especially someone we value and love. To the Narcissist making someone angrier, invalidating their concerns and using it against them is part of their agenda to devalue or abuse – it is basically controlling another person. Seriously they are only bullies and cowards that always lurk in the shadows to hide their real identity with their lies, manipulation and disordered lifestyle. Control is power in their world and the end result is ALWAYS abuse as it concerns people that have any connection to them! The process to recovery involves reversing the negative conditioning and desensitizing the horrendous messages that stole your reality, self-esteem, feeling of worth, and goodness. This all starts with no/minimal contact to achieve this clarity once more by ending the cycle of abuse with this Narcissist! Greg
From Filmmaker to Inspirational Life Coach, Eric Casaccio is Ready to Empower You from Your Own Narcissistic Situation
In an effort to provide quality information concerning support after narcissistic abuse, I spoke with our friend Eric about his Empowerment from Narcissistic Situations Life Coaching Program with Now Your Life. Please check out this informative interview concerning advancing after this abuse through a life coaching experience with Eric Casaccio, a primary example of how After Narcissistic Abuse, There is Light, Life & Love!
ANA: What made you advance your career from filmmaking to life coaching?
ERIC: This is such a great question. In fact, many friends have asked me the same question over and over again. While traveling on the film festival circuit with Narcissist (the Movie), I found myself more interested in meeting audience members in need of encouragement from being in narcissistic situations versus attending filmmaker-networking events. Yes, those glamorous events can be full of opportunities, but my heart was more drawn to the select few in need of inspiration versus making more contacts in the film industry. Taking time for the “select few” and having uplifting and inspiring conversations meant the world to them, hence; I was already doing some life coaching but didn’t realize it yet. I guess it was meant to be.
ANA: What inspired you to create the Now Your Life Empowerment from Narcissistic Situations Program?
ERIC: During several film festival question & answer segments, a lot of questions kept coming up like Have you ever thought of becoming a life coach specializing in guiding others who have been in narcissistic situations? As time passed, this suggestion kept showing up in all areas of my life, like the universe was trying to tell me something. After a well-attended screening in Atlanta, Georgia, a heartfelt one-on-one conversation took place with an audience member who had a horrific romance with a narcissist leading both of us to tears and soon after, a determination to find an appropriate educational program began. At first, none of the sought out educational options felt right. In fact, there was complete discouragement … discouragement until randomly meeting a life coach at the Big Apple Film Festival in NYC who strongly suggested looking into the Southwest Institute of the Healing Arts (SWIHA). A few days later, an in-depth goal orientated conversation with a counselor at SWIHA happened and everything came into full focus,… like I was home for the very first time. So, I guess, to sum over the answer to your question, it began with empathy for others who have been in narcissistic situations with the knowing on how one can overcome and empower themselves from that.
ANA: What is the best piece of advice you can personally give to anyone out there that is currently stuck or coming out of the web of a narcissistic situation?
ERIC: First and foremost, allow yourself to grieve, hence, give yourself permission to feel so you can eventually heal. I completely empathize and understand the horror of feeling victimized because yes, the person you have and/or had involvement with is manipulative, controlling, abusive, has no conscience, etc. etc. In fact, the trait list of someone with NPD is like a never-ending barrel of toxic waste we could obsess over for the rest of our lives, however, there is a tremendous opportunity to take the pain caused from a narcissist’s own self-projection and discover the power of rising above and reuniting with your true authentic self. As hard as it may be, it’s imperative to go within and ask what it
is about you that may have attracted and/or was attracted to this kind of situation and what can you do to make sure it doesn’t happen again. The answers within can demonstrate how your narcissistic situation may have happened so you can finally embrace your own importance, your own worth, and your own valuable life! Most importantly, forgive yourself and recognize it is not your fault and lovingly take back your power. As much as a narcissist may have used you, you can use what you learned and empower yourself by doing something amazing that may even bring awareness to others. Sometimes we have to go through darkness to find a true authentic light!
ANA: What is the difference between seeing a therapist and working with a life coach?
ERIC: This is another important question, especially for those who are in and/or coming out a situation with a narcissist. Generally, it’s best to seek out a therapist when one needs to work on past wounds that may or may not have attracted a narcissistic personality into their lives. The life coaching process focuses on honoring where a client is now and moving them forward. The job of a coach isn’t to change the client rather bring clarity and awareness to their journey (or situation) that can create an inspirational desire for change. Coaches hone in on powerful questioning combined with creative tools to collaborate and bring out the client’s answers already within themselves. These “A-HA” moments can bring encouraging shifts, empowering possibilities, and even healing during an enlightening self-exploration voyage.
ANA: What do you hope your clients will gain from your life coaching programs?
ERIC: The primary goal is to have all clients experience a heart-centered safe-space connection to enhance forward moving actions into their everyday lives. With the Empowerment from Narcissistic Situations Program, the goal is to experience those “A-HA” moments that bring clarity and awareness and eventually allows forgiveness on a journey back to one’s true self. I strive to have clients experience a genuine and faithful sense of empathy, positivity, honesty, safety, and creativity with each coaching session. It’s all about your authentic you at Now Your Life.
ANA: How can we find out more about Now Your Life and how can we view your acclaimed award-winning film, Narcissist?
If you would like to specifically find out more about the Empowerment from Narcissistic Situations Program, visit: https://www.nowyourlife.com/empowerment-from-narcissistic-situations/
Also, if you would like to schedule a free 20-minute consultation, visit: https://www.nowyourlife.com/free-life-coaching-session/
Narcissist (the Movie) is available on-demand worldwide with mySPOTLIGHT.TV (with Apple TV 4, Roku and iOS) and dotSTUDIOPRO. The film is also available in the USA, UK, Japan & Germany with Amazon Video Direct.
ANA: Eric, thank you for the great information.
ERIC: You are more than welcome. It’s been a pleasure!
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Those can be a very tough questions to answer while you are directly in a relationship with a Narcissist. What I CAN say is that I was tricked by the best of the best as far as Narcissist’s go so my answer(s) came AFTER the fact. So to start, most people assume that there are some normal or common ground rules when we are connecting to one another in whatever capacity of relationship we are in or basically just part of the human connection in this space we share on earth. However, it is VERY important to know the LACK of any real emotional and moral depth as it concerns a Narcissist (usually something we are not taught in school). IT is also imperative to understand that they are a predator that is adept at disguising themselves and charming (brainwashing) their prey into believing they have these normal qualities so that they can pull them into what can only be described as an abusive agenda. Unfortunately, the lesson is served and learned AFTER the fact. So now it is even more important to internalize these words and to move FORWARD by accepting the real truth that you already know from being in this relationship. It will also save you many steps in your recovery if you work from the truth instead of going backwards and searching for some sort of glimmer of hope to rekindle some sort of empty connection with them because that is all it amounts to. If you have to write it all out with the pros and cons then please do it so you have that truth written down and right in front of you. They don’t change, they don’t EVER apologize for their reality, they just don’t have the capacity to change nor do they want to. There are no other answers that you need beside the truth of YOUR personal situation.
The most important aspect NOW is convincing ourselves that this was a Narcissist and we were abused so that we get our ‘ah ha’ moment to move forward by putting energy into healing ourselves. Until we get there we will only remain in a confused state, blaming ourselves and reaching back to find out what WE did wrong (or more like what we were conditioned into believing we did wrong). This only adds our own personal layers to this abuse and that is just as damaging to us as if that Narcissist was right there in front of us blaming us again. What I can say through my experience is that everything does fall into place, but the process takes education, time, real support from other targets/victims and a personal commitment of OUR energy to purge all of the negativity out of us before we move forward. Don’t forget we can and may fall backwards and that again is just part of the process and we learn from our mistakes. There is also the overwhelming exhaustion from carrying so much anxiety and the trauma and that surfaces as physical ailments – so much to deal with and then there is more than likely a ‘smear campaign’ that is waiting for us and SUDDENLY we are the bad guy.
It is a rocky road to recovery and that is a given because this was abuse. We stumble because it is an unfamiliar process to us and there are still things out there that we discover on our road forward. That Narcissist has been out there destroying your integrity with that SMEAR CAMPAIGN and well before the relationship ended. They have slandered you in every possible way just through knowing personal aspects of your life and using that familiarity to fuel their smear campaign by making it negative and sourcing out people to pit against you. Again for now you have to put all of that on the back burner to get out of the immediate fog. Believe me that the people that listen to a Narcissist’s BS are not worth your time. Anybody that buys the Narcissists lies and gossip without allowing you to be present to tell the truth and defend yourself are just as disordered and toxic as the Narcissist. In the end I didn’t lose the people I loved that were real and important in my life. What I can say from my experience is that I had to prioritize and my well-being had to come first to get to a healthy place before I took on more of the ambient chaos, crazy making and abuse. Again still part of the process from this abuse – but understanding it at least allows CLARITY and starts us out and into a good direction.
Who could EVER believe the truth that presented itself to us and lives in us about this abuse OR how someone just used us for the time they did and how they were inclined to destroy us as well. It is still hard for me to accept, but I know better because I lived through it and the truth is right there to back it up. What I can’t believe is that there are human beings capable of this and as a normal person with empathy it is not within my realm to understand them! But more importantly what I learned is that I don’t have to ‘get it’ so completely, I just had to understand it and accept the truth to forget about that Narcissist because they are what they are and that HAD to be enough to get OUT of the cycle of this sadistic emotional and psychological abuse – I HAD TO SET MYSELF FREE! Knowing and believing this enables you to move forward and work on everything else that involves getting healthy. Don’t waste your time on getting into their heads, or trying to understand them, or trying to fix THEM because you are only denying the truth YOU ALREADY KNOW! It is now time for you to get past this psychological abuse so you can enter back into a great world feeling healthy! It is a necessity to focus on yourself!
What about ALL of those memories and the time you spent together, the plans, goals, dreams, holidays and fun. Well let’s put a little spin on that. How much fun, love, bonding, etc., comprised the relationship from day one to the final discard. Perhaps 1/1000th of it and even that was probably lies and manipulation too. Personally I didn’t have fun past the first year. Seriously I was a full time baby sitter and servant to a mean and spoiled child. I spent more of my time dealing with justifications and bending over backwards to try to fix what was unfixable. I felt like I was always in the corner sitting on a stool getting my verbal beatings and told how awful I was because this so called relationship was purely a desperate love. This type of relationship is disabling and crushes a person’s soul!
I had those same questions too like wondering if I was crazy, insane, or ‘off my rocker?’ Probably so but not by choice. The effects of the slow abuse took me there day by day. I became disabled because I was meant to be taken there by this destructive and abusive person. That is victimization – and even as much as I hate that word it is the REAL definition and I had to understand it or stay frozen in denial. It helped me understand the process and then the rest of it was up to me as far as my personal responsibility, new boundaries, and moving forward. I have found those wounded parts of me that helped me understand my part and I worked through them. I separated the facts with the TRUTH and I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS ABUSE, nor am I am crazy, or felt that this is all I deserved, or anything like that! Clarity is what gave me the opportunity to put this into perspective. No contact gave me the opportunity to stop the chaos and find my footing again.
There are drugs that paralyze the mind that predators use on their victims, and then there is manipulation that brainwashes a person’s mind. One is quick (the drug) and the other (manipulation) is a slow and insidious process administered over time, but both methods essentially do the same thing to the target/victim and that is altering their state of consciousness with a destructive agenda that is meant to control and dehumanize the target/victim by debilitating their normal thought processes. So we don’t (and didn’t) react as a healthy person would. Yes, this was betrayal and a huge con job that was psychological terrorism or psychological rape. Both designate the same meaning that this was mediated by a highly dysfunctional person with an agenda to extort through disabling a person’s mind. Yes, I defined this using a different angle, but it does put the definition of this abuse in a shocking but realistic portrayal. I guess I am saying this to help targets/victims get a stronger sense of this abuse to help lead them to their ‘ah ha’ moment. This is dehumanization and subjugation of a human being and WRONG no matter what. It is a disaster as far as it concerns us personally and we have to come out of this as a whole person again and this must be our goal.
The Narcissist does not even REMOTELY consider the person who is their supply as a person at all. They compartmentalize all of their sources and create different worlds for each person to get constant and REVOLVING supply. We naturally minimize the truth by believing we are the only person in a relationship with them because we NEVER really see the whole picture and the Narcissist makes it so by controlling us to keep believing. Furthermore, a Narcissist does not allow individuality in a person because they objectify us and categorize us by what we can provide for them or how they can benefit from us – we all have our separate roles to support them! They are a parasite and you are the host and they will suck every ounce of life out of you that they can and THAT is why you have to get them out of your life completely.
Anyone – be it a male or female that expresses and type of awe, wonderment, gratitude or praise for the Narcissist’s accomplishments and performance, OR their looks, skills, talent or anything else is readily accepted and pulled into their world. Anyone that expresses complete and unending gratitude for anything/everything the Narcissist has ever done for them, said to them, or told them is also readily accepted and pulled into their world. Also anyone who expresses sympathy and agreement with the Narcissist’s self-perception that he/she is God’s gift to an undeserving world. Anyone who shows complete adoration and compliments/supports the Narcissist for their amazing mind, body, special spiritual connections, job, car, home, clothing, style, and wisdom, etc. Anyone willing to give up their time, MONEY, attention, or life in order to meet all the Narcissist’s needs. Anyone who will acknowledge that the Narcissist is completely entitled, special and above people so much so that they (Narcissist) should not be subject to normal rules, regulations, or laws. Anyone willing to join the Narcissist’s team, and show righteous indignation for his/her suffering, which is FAR greater than most and always undeserved no matter what! Anyone that will join the Narcissist’s battle to destroy people they have intentionally harmed as well as support their destructive agenda. Anyone who shows complete agreement that the Narcissist is so special, misunderstood by the entire world, and under-appreciated. Anyone that is willing to overlook the occasional, or repeated violations and exploitation of them for any reason becomes special and ARE ACCEPTED AND PULLED INTO THE NARCISSIST’S WORLD and become SUPPLY! None of us are better than the next source or previous source, WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT FORMS OF SUPPLY period. Everybody is a puppet that the Narcissist manipulates to create their false world. Look behind the Narcissist and you will see many puppets they have used/destroyed and then thrown into the garbage after they have served their purpose! The Narcissist even sources out their minions to support that the Narcissist is innocent in ANY wrong doing so they can bury you alive with more lies! NOW ask yourself what part of any of this would you want to participate in.
One thing that is very important to understand and that is to differentiate between what you believe is love and the reality of the Narcissist’s TRUE agenda. Narcissists will cling to you as their main source of supply as long as you are serving them and giving your all! But the second they find someone with more supply than you, they are gone and they have damaged you, your integrity, and your life and extorted most everything that they could get away with. They will leave you in a heartbeat and never look back as well as blame you as being the problem. They will leave their biological children behind as well so they can move on to their next source and a new family and community to support them. These creatures JUST DON’T care because everyone is just an object. Unfortunately, you also loved them and believed in them and somehow thought that if you gave everything you could things would change or perhaps the Narcissist would change! No they were reaping the benefits of their agenda and game plan and sucking your life dry. THIS is the extent of the relationship with them – that huge image of LOVE that you have spent many years developing with them, pursuing, tendering, holding onto, etc., is what they used to COMPLETELY support their agenda to make sure they were able to tap you as another source for of SUPPLY. The Narcissist’s manipulation tactics were seamless enough to fool you so COMPLETELY! This is the whole truth in a nutshell that you have to accept as reality even after all the time you put into them. It is not easy to accept this truth but we must if we want to break that emotional bond that they tricked us into believing was real. You have to stop believing anything about them or they will keep coming back for more because this is what they do, BUT THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE OR STOP ABUSING AND EXTORTING! No/minimal contact to start on your journey to recovery. Greg
Narcissists push your buttons like you are an elevator, up and down always keeping you off balance and never knowing what level you are on.
THE NARCISSIST (having one of their heart to heart conversations): “You CAN trust me! You can confide in me. I am so glad you trust me enough to talk like this. Talk to me anytime you need a listening ear, I am here for you. I am always on your side! You can tell me anything. I will help you out ALWAYS, just open up to me! Don’t worry because I always have your back. I love you so much and am ALWAYS here for you!” Or if you are a friend or family member the “love bombing” is appropriately adjusted to your position in their life.
Answer or participate in any of these ‘poison conversations’ and you are allowing a Narcissist to uncover your deepest and darkest secrets and insecurities AND they will exploit them completely. They will even fuel a conversation to manipulate you into ‘providing’ personal information about a situation or a person to extort the knowledge and use it against you. What is carefully hidden under their ‘fake’ empathy is an agenda to manipulate and exploit those weaknesses and use them against you in any number of different ways. They will call upon this personal information AT ANY TIME to dehumanize you and invalidate you. They will use your ‘innermost thoughts and secrets’ against you, make themselves ‘in the know’ about personal issues with ‘others’ and negatively triangulate with friends, family and co-workers with that ‘very personal’ information they have gained through sharing. They will withhold their support by knowing and using your weaknesses OR use every bit of personal information against you to manage you down and abuse you psychologically. Calling this a personality disorder is only defining the tip of the iceberg – what is hidden beneath the water is what most people don’t understand as the truth about how disordered and destructive these creatures are!
Narcissists are “crazy-makers” and they thrive on negative and debilitating drama through the manipulation of real facts, lies, triangulating, backstabbing, betrayal, etc. This is all to support the crazy-maker’s agenda to divide and conquer, harm and disable, and essentially destroy people and situations. This is their mechanism to divert reality on a ‘one to one’ (personal level) and within the very groups (organizations) of people they interact with. Wherever and whenever they are present most people have to walk on eggshells and they feel an impending sense of doom. Most EVERY situation can be part of their agenda to support and create their drama. BUT they are stealth operators and can camouflage their crazy making in a manner that it never seems to originate from them as adversity. It is a care or concern and they are just mentioning this to perhaps ‘help out’ but is purely steered and driven by the Narcissist as a destructive agenda to gain control over every situation in life – basically it is backstabbing!
A crazy-maker is someone who makes you feel crazy by constantly stirring up trouble and causing a negative outcome from their involvement and presence in ANY given situation. ‘Normal’ doesn’t serve a Narcissist and their need for power and control, but CHAOS and ‘crazy making’ does! They are always the problem, but nothing is ever their fault.
They cannot sit down and experience a normal or real moment, a memory, or a connection to real happiness within themselves or reflect about their life because there are NONE, only envy of what they can’t achieve, what they don’t have, and what they WANT. Their inner world is angry, dark and lacks complete empathy. They don’t have any internal mechanisms to love or care about anybody so instead they feed their eternal neediness and pathological nature through extreme manipulation and extort what they can from life and people. They create chaos and destruction with their abusive manners to make other’s feel their emptiness as if to pay for their misery and disconnection from real happiness and life. They imitate our good reality to draw us into their life and then into their personal misery by abusing what they can’t ever achieve – our goodness and ability to love.
If they can successfully harm our good intentions and mock our empathy it allows them to deny their own destructive nature and world by making us assume their misery and darkness. Misery loves company as they say and a Narcissist needs to prove to themselves that everyone else is the miserable and the destructive creature that they are through delusional deception and destruction. They use us like a filter to diffuse their negativity and assume our goodness, empathy and love as their own. They wear us like a disguise to walk among the good people to constantly find more and more supply to harvest. Without a mask (false) of real empathy and love, their darkness would expose them and people would avoid every aspect of their being!
They jump from relationship to relationship to create or re-create the security or family they can never have. The pattern is to secure a new person to have constant supply available, morph into this person’s world with the pretense of love, they become bored with the situation because they are UNABLE to have a real relationship built on love, they deny any fault as being their own because they lack all empathy so they blame, devalue, dehumanize, destroy and discard and then move on and REPEAT this cycle with someone new. They never assume any responsibility that they HAD love and a real family BUT destroyed it to support their out-of-control world and perverse actions it was just part of their charade. If you were able to look at their past life in a chronological order you would only see destroyed people and relationships that were all cycles of the same abuse repeated over and over again, and it would stretch back over their entire life.
They create scenarios to discover your weakness or fears, and store them away to manipulate you later. They don’t use language as communication, it is for hiding, deflecting, avoiding, masking, & manipulating because their charm is completely false. They take pride in their own righteousness and rightness. They attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They NEVER believe they make mistakes even when they proof is right there in front of them. They have an innate inability to feel, process or truly understand shame from the negative and hurtful things they do to others – they can only blame and apply fault to everybody else. Contradict them a few times and you will feel their out of control Narcissistic rage.
Their conversations and interactions aren’t meant to enlighten, but to confuse, control, and consistently create drama. They are a huge VOID, working to get whatever they can from you – basically they extort life and lives. They expect you to lend a listening ear and give them complete approval. They use emotional withdraw and silencing to create guilt, compliance and control. They will betray personal information and secrets to feel more powerful. They will manipulate and use flattery or protests of their innocence (crying, pleading, and begging) like a stealth weapon to achieve their agenda and get their way. They will use verbal skills to block or deflect accountability for their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle and sift blame onto YOU. They impact lives negatively but miraculously escape exposure even appearing to have some positive effect and you end up the negative aspect of the relationship with them.
Their subconscious mind is where they create a delusional and false ego from which they relate to the whole world. They are their own fictitious creation and story that can change to fit into any and every situation as long as it supports THEIR agenda and you provide them with some sort of service they want AND need (we are only supply to them!)
Real relationships don’t exist for them because people are an expendable objects or supply that they harvest to meet all of their needs and then discard when they have gotten all they can. We are all only part time players on the Narcissist’s stage along with many others. They need primary and secondary supply every waking moment, so they will create one on one relationships to have continual supply and then secure whatever other supply they can from the rest of the world.
They are capable of having more than one relationship going on at the same time with neither participant being the wiser. REMEMBER they are insatiable and inexhaustible as far as their need for supply so the world is like a huge department store for them to get what they need at any time. Unfortunately, their envy of all man/womankind also drives them to destroy those that have realistically believed in them or loved them because they abhor our realty and love because they can’t be anything but the mindless and soulless monster they are. Simply calling this a personality disorder does not aptly describe the hate they display for life and people – the destruction they inflict does describe what and who they are AND it is criminal!
Their sole pursuit is their omnipotence or to be seen as God’s gift to the world through pathological deception and destructive acts but in reality they are only hiding a very damaged and dark world. There is no ‘fixing’ them and this is evidenced by the many people that have offered unconditional love to them only to be rejected and destroyed through their efforts. Love can and will heal all and if it doesn’t then it is beyond human capacity to change a person that is this devoid of the natural goodness of life and they are only soulless creatures. Ask yourself why they imitate love, or why they wear it as part of their disguise if not to achieve their destructive agenda. They know it well enough to use it but obviously they can’t be it. Unfortunately, it is a tough lesson with a Narcissist because the result is emotional and psychological abuse. You must gain the knowledge and education to accept this as the truth to be able to move totally on and away from EVERYTHING Narcissist and to gain your real life back after experiencing this abuse. No/minimal contact! Greg
You can’t have reality in a situation or relationship where there is none, especially a situation that is embellished with toxic behavior to push your buttons, play with your emotions and manipulate you to your lowest level like that with a NARCISSIST.
One of the most obvious signs of malignant Narcissism is the way they constantly malign others. They are constantly remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider that love should never hurt a person nor take them down a road of destruction. Ultimately love can make us sad when we lose a loved one but that is the reality of unconditional love when someone near to us is suffering, or we lose them completely – and that is more or less grieving a REAL connection between two normally functioning people. Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist is psychological and emotional abuse MEANT to intentionally harm and damage a target/victim that the Narcissist has chosen as their prey – it by no means is anything near a conventional and loving relationship. Real love grows and doesn’t diminish another person’s spirit. Always remember that the love that you felt for this person was as much a part of the psychological abuse (love bombing) as was the devaluation stage. This was all the tools of the Narcissist’s trade – brain-washing, extreme manipulation, gas-lighting, pathological lying, hideous betrayal, many sexual partners, etc., or the cycle of abuse with a Malignant Narcissist.
Narcissists manipulate in a manner to control their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything – this is chaos and crazy making meant to confound their target’s normal thoughts. This can be very evident at times, because it is a downright shocking situation and we have all been there shaking our heads in disbelief at what they have said or acted on. It can also be very subtle with many small manipulative and dehumanizing actions that disassemble the target/victims well-being slowly and methodically. BUT it is so perplexing that people actually disbelieve their very ears and more than often we dismiss it and justify it by thinking it is anger, a bad day, insecurity, jealousy, or they have some wrong information about us – BUT it is constant and consistent behavior meant to debase us. Unfortunately, we spend our time trying to fix the situation and avoiding the truth that this is just one of their tools in their vast arsenal of control and ultimately ABUSE. Little by little this behavior erodes the target/victim’s self-worth and creates an almost obsessive situation where the target/victim is constantly trying to avoid the conflict, keeping things peaceful, and walking on eggshells. There is never the opportunity for a “healthy self” in this relationship and you become a casualty of the constant psychological terrorism or abuse – essentially you become a shell of a person.
A simple example to drive the point home – the Narcissist inexplicably gets angry at what should be a pleasing and positive moment. You expected a little gratification or a smile from something very special that you may have done, and – WHAM – you get a reaction that invalidates every ounce of time and energy you put into this ‘special thing’. The reaction totally invalidates the ‘good will’ that you created that was an act of your caring or love. It sets you off AND into a state of confusion, doesn’t it? You are wondering just how something so good and natural could be turned around into something that meets such disapproval. You know that there is no possible way that you meant anything more than extending your love or appreciation in a normal manner but you are left shocked over the Narcissists reaction. In turn you say something and that Narcissist gets mad at YOU for their toxic treatment of your grand gesture.
Here is an ‘ah ha’ moment and guess what? That is exactly what the Narcissist wanted – a negative reaction to debase you. I call this their ‘hit and run’ diversion. It is intended to make you feel a multitude of things, but basically invalidated and derailed like a train wreck. This small example really outlines the dynamics of the slow and insidious abuse that a Narcissist USES to debase and destroy their targets self-esteem. Remember that this relationship started out with so much love (love bombing) that had you dependent upon a day to day ‘loving’ relationship with them. This dependency was not ABNORMAL as in “co-dependent,” but instead what a normal growing relationship naturally evolves into. Yes, there are co-dependent targets/victims but even the strongest person can fall prey to the psychological abuse from a Narcissist.
We normally grow close to someone that is a major part of our life on a day to day basis as it concerns a romantic relationship with two people committing to each other. BUT the Narcissist has shrewdly put their plan into effect with manipulating you to fall for them to create this ‘loving’ relationship which in reality is one sided and has nothing to do with them being any part of it. Call this stage ‘one’ of the abuse whereby they have gained your complete trust and you have handed them your heart, soul, psyche and maybe even gave them the key to your front door. Now they will just pillage everything they can from you and that includes psychological terrorism to keep you numb until they finish the job of abusing you and extorting all of the supply they can. BUT the grand lesson is that this is more or less like slow torture that brain washes the target/victim and over time this is what damages a person at such a deep and unconscious level. The target/victim is ALWAYS left in an ultra-confused state trying to reclaim what they believed was real love as well as battling the day to day manipulations. Narcissists continually repeat this process with everyone to trap their targets/victims with amazing charm and then they NUMB them and ultimately disable them and destroy them as well. As long as there is a supply of ‘blood’ (just a descriptive use of words and not reality) for this emotional vampire to take from you they will continue to do so until you cut the supply off or they find another source of supply.
You can’t have reality in a situation where there is none, especially a situation that is embellished with toxic behavior to push your buttons, play with your emotions and manipulate you to your lowest level. The Narcissist will ultimately step up the game of their abuse with betrayal, many sexual indiscretions, pathological lies, gas-lighting, etc., but again this starts out as a slow and very ambiguous abuse. Unfortunately, it disables the target/victim’s capacity to function normally within the relationship and then it is too late because the target/victim is somewhere between their emotional connection (love) and the vast confusion caused by the debasing and dehumanizing psychological warfare. REMEMBER that a Narcissist is addicted to any and all sources of supply so the betrayal factor is big within your relationship with them.
Targets/victims are unaware that they have been living in what can only be compared to as an active battle zone. Most are unaware what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is or that it is a highly effective abuse from a predator. Victims of Narcissistic abuse will over time display symptoms of trauma, avoidance behavior, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or eating difficulties, irritability, hyper-vigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness, psychosomatic illnesses, self-harming, and even thoughts of suicide. Targets/victims express deep seeded feelings of worthlessness, humiliation, shame, and self-blame. They have been conditioned to take responsibility for the Narcissist’s despicable behavior because they are constantly told they are the source of every problem and everything is their fault but yet they want to support, defend, and love this person (the Narcissist) despite what they have gone through. It almost becomes an addiction because abuse creates a toxic and unhealthy environment which in turn creates an unhealthy mind for the target/victim. The psychological abuse creates this unhealthy pattern of ‘Narcissist pleasing’ or the clinical ‘walking on eggshells’. Basically the target/victim becomes TOTALLY DEPENDANT on the Narcissist or what may seem like being addicted to them to return this back to a cohesive and good relationship. The reason behind this is that the silent threat of abuse is always present with the debasing and dehumanizing and it is just too painful for the target/victim AND an automatic coping mechanism against overwhelming stress. We avoid the pain because it is so deeply engrained in us and that became our ‘normal’ or all we know from the daily emotional abuse, so like the addict we look for relief from ANY fix or the hope that things could turn back to the way they were – unfortunately they never will. Seriously it is like living in a battle zone and trying to deflect from all of the harm that surrounds us.
This abuse is NOT limited to ‘love’ relationships only. Narcissists can be family members like a mother/father, brother/sister, boss/co-worker, friend/relative or anyone for that matter. Targets/victims are often victimized by more than one person as well because they have only learned or known this dehumanizing abuse all of their lives. They internalize that something is wrong with them and end up feeling like they deserve this kind of abuse, and then resign themselves to their fate. Targets/victims may not reach their potential in their personal or professional lives because they always have to stand in the shadow of their abuser(s) – and that is all they have ever known in the case of Narcissistic parents. They learn to live in the shadows without knowing why – and that why is the debasing control from abuse at the hands of a Narcissist.
OK – YOU CAN BEAT THIS! You have the ability to unlearn what the Narcissist has conditioned you into believing about yourself. That old saying “A horse can be led to water but they can’t be made to drink it” – well let’s change that a little bit and say “A horse can be led to water and taste it, drink it and swallow it – BUT it can stop drinking it – so walk completely away from it and not only find a better watering hole BUT greener pastures and other fully functioning horses.” You have to do this so that you aren’t stuck in a fog of lies that will only guide your life in a negative and destructive direction. What the Narcissist has internalized in you can be EXTERNALIZED. Move yourself away from any level of this abuse by knowing that you and only you can change and find normality and the reality of a better life. Say no to the Narcissist, say no to the messages in your head that say you are not worthy, SAY NO TO THE ABUSE. Those negative words and debasing actions are only a curse/spell that the Narcissist casts out on the world and it can’t stick if the Narcissist doesn’t have you under his/her spell. Once you have the education that enables you to see the very truth about this abusive Narcissist, you can remove yourself and break the spell. You have the power to govern your future and what you will do with your life. You have to take all of that power AWAY from the Narcissist and give it back to yourself. Yes of course no-contact – but when you have to have minimal contact use the truth to really see the emotional and psychological abuse that is standing in front of you and disengage in your mind from any thought, words or actions they send your way because they are like bullets from a gun and meant to harm! Greg