Psychological and emotional abuse from a Narcissist can lock a victim up in blame, isolate them, make them believe they have serious issues, and alter their reality and belief system forever without education, knowledge, and SUPPORT!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
There are people out there that will offer simple support or a pat on the back, but in reality without tried and true validation the target/victim simply assumes they are to blame somehow because nobody truly understands the reality of the emotional and psychological terrorism or abuse that the target/victim has experienced – unfortunately the victim DOESN’T understand what has happened either. This is not a person wanting to BE or remain a victim forever, it is a plea for help because they are lost in the abuse and feeling as if something is terribly wrong with them and reaching out. Nobody would want to feel the effects of this abuse just so they can say they are a victim. It is so mentally debilitating that the normal reality of everyday life is so distorted that it basically halts for the target/victim. That is very scary or better yet a horrifying place to be in.
Targets/victims of psychological abuse have to tear down their entire understanding of the world, people and love, and rebuild the whole system from the ground up to feel comfortable in THEIR OWN SKIN again. Information and education is primary in starting out on the road to recovery BUT support from the people closest to the victim is crucial. Unfortunately, with this type of abuse the variable that prohibits this is that most people truly have no viable understanding of just what a Narcissist is or that this abuse is so damaging. So the lack of support from those closest to the victim (for whatever reason it may be) can actually be the most damaging and dangerous. Again the target/victim will internalize a bad message one in which they will blame themselves for allowing this to happen and feel very isolated and invalidated.
When a person tells a target/victim to just move on for instance, what message does that send to them? It says that this isn’t that important for you to be here and going on and on with all of your words and describing the details, etc. It is a total invalidation of the abuse and It makes the target/victim believe that they are over-reacting and in turn makes them feel as if they are inferior or damaged and ‘BAM’ the target/victim puts the blame right back onto themselves and may even believe they are crazy. This is a traumatized victim not a person that had an argument with someone they were in a relationship with. Where does the target/victim go for help when they can’t get immediate support for the abuse – those closest to them. Most will go BACK TO THE SOURCE OF THEIR PROBLEM or their abuser if nobody is there to help pull them back up again and feeling emotionally healthy – that is what the abuser wants or pulling them back into the abuse AND control. Traumatization requires viable solutions and answers that validates the reality that their situation was really out of the normal circumstances of day to day life and NOT something that the person experiencing this trauma can just reason away. Unfortunately, some target/victims go on for years without validation and develop poor coping skills as a result of the trauma that are not even viable as far as moving forward and back into a welcoming world – INSTEAD they isolate themselves forever and completely mistrust the world.
The problem with anyone telling a target/victim to move forward and leave everything behind is that it works directly against the best interests of anyone suffering from trauma or better yet Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that occurs after being abused. Unfortunately, this can even occur when the victim of this abuse is in therapy if the therapist does NOT recognize the traumatization aspect of this abuse. There comes a time AFTER everything has been sorted out that we have to go through some deep introspection as it concerns ourselves being COMPLETELY healthy and releasing from the abuse and creating new boundaries by looking inward to find anything that connects us to reoccurring abuse. BUT when you are traumatized you are not feeling healthy to find healthy solutions. So AGAIN recovery is a process that requires specific steps.
Trauma and shock is an outcome of this abuse and the reality or need to rebuild ourselves BUT where is the reality basis for a traumatized person to build from when they are traumatized and can’t seem to function normally enough to take care of themselves. There is no personal experience to build from until they understand the complete picture. What seems reasonable by just moving on will only add up to greater confusion when the target/victim is still left confounded, angry, depressed, anxious and wanting closure where there is none. The victim has to work through the here and now or the trauma to just be able to function WITH complete clarity to understand this whole mess. Then there are the messages that the abuse target/victim is not allowed to be ‘overly negative’ or ‘play the victim’ by blaming anyone else, SO the only person the target/victim can end up blaming or assigning responsibility to, or getting angry with is themselves.
Empowering ourselves has its place, but that is to empower ourselves FIRST with the truth and education to back it up and guide us CORRECTLY to recovery or basically one of many steps. We have to understand that this abuse was situational in the form of abuse from a Narcissist and then and only then can we put together the other components that GOT us there and KEPT us there dancing with this destructive Narcissist. It will be different for every person, but WE CAN NOT force the issue and bury the abuse and trauma by just moving on. Do we want to ALWAYS blame ourselves and forever feel we were responsible because we were not powerful enough and if it happens again we are definitely the problem here? Probably we would end up believing so and that is just defeating the purpose of healing by saying we are just that weak that we always allow ourselves to be abused. No again this is debilitating psychological rape. No abuse is ever our fault so proper perspective has to be a part of the process so that it triggers the correct response when red flags are waving at us and if we should happen to fail again, we will work through it with better perspective. This perspective must give us a clear understanding of the abuse we experienced so we can assimilate that into our future thoughts. Knowledge is power!
Empowerment is PART of the process of reassigning your belief system to include that this WAS abuse and abusers do exist in the real world. A healthy mind will put this into perspective – BUT once that mind is at a place to do so AND with proper steps and education to back it up. We must purge the abuse out in a logical process that includes embracing our grief through anger and every other thought process that appears. We have to DEAL with our thoughts and not just repress them. It may seem viable but anything that is unresolved and buried within us will resurface eventually and that is why so many targets/victims get stuck in this abuse and keep returning to it day after day to find some sort of logic. If we do not get healthy through the many steps of grieving, anger, talking about it to viable listeners, seeking reality through education, finding support through other survivors, taking a mental health break, then we will fail miserably.
Many targets/victims are afraid to speak out about what they are going through because they are afraid they will be looked down upon and considered obsessed, scorned, angry or just plain CRAZY. Again this is just a result of feeling they must be faulty to be in the position they are in, so they try to appear as if they are doing good when it is the furthest thing from their reality. NO speak out about it and tell the truth of the days you are unable to function, or if you cried for an hour, or you are so mad, feeling isolated and depressed or whatever. You have to validate your experience and not repress it. If it goes on too long than it requires more steps with some professional help from a therapist that has experience with this type of abuse. Self-reflection and introspection are very important when we are feeling clear and healthy enough to look inward again and create boundaries. AGAIN – this is all the outcome of the abuse and being managed down and manipulated. Embracing the reality is a hard pill to swallow, but it will allow you to live again and that is essential. PLEASE – no/minimal contact to start you on your journey to recovery! Greg
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
I want to educate, describe and give some insight about some of the typical ways a Narcissist maintains their ‘center of the universe’ agenda or omnipotence. How they ‘operate’ as well as some of their manipulative reactions to distort our reality through blaming, shaming, drama, invalidating, making fun of your insecurities, and sharing secrets with others to triangulate and make you out to be the biggest piece of ‘poo’ in the world to build themselves up. This is all categorized as their manipulative CRAZY MAKING!
They will fake or imitate sincerity, caring, and honor under the guise of good intentions with an agenda to GET SOMETHING from you or anybody – they take us from CHARM to HARM.
They blame and blame some more and then blame again, NEVER taking personal responsibility for anything they do wrong which is most everything because their needs and desires can basically be described as out-of-control and they do NOT care who they harm in the process of getting what they want!
They are HIGH maintenance creatures because they need your constant attention, praise, and deference to all of their whims, fancies and needs without a single consideration to any of your needs. Deprive them of something they want and look out as they reveal their true destructive nature through raging and attacks!
They COMPLETELY lack all empathy so they just don’t care who they harm, use, or abuse! It doesn’t matter if it is you, me, their mother/father, brother/sister, biological children, friends, senior citizens, husband/wife, the pastor/priest, law enforcement officials, and judges – get the point they will psychologically ABUSE everybody to GET THEIR WAY!
They may put on a great show, even smile, hug you, OR even ask how you are, but seriously they are not interested about you as a living and breathing person, yet alone an individual that shares this planet with them – you are only supply and they WANT something! Think of them as a trained parrot saying “Pauley wants a cracker” but with them it is more aptly described as “Narcissist wants some supply.” There is no meaning behind the words with Pauley or the Narcissist, it is just a learned behavior to get something they want.
If you ever dare point out one of their many flaws or an error they made, they will strike out at you in a poisonous and defensive mode like a snake. They will counter any notion with anger, venting, rage, silencing, ignoring you with a cold shoulder, or abandon you as DUE punishment.
They will create some amazing and exciting plans, but rarely will make them happen. They want you to anticipate their generosity but they will never offer anything more than the empty words. It is all ‘make believe’ or better yet “manipulating you to believe.” Basically it is a ploy to make you believe they are giving and caring. Ask them about those non-existent plans and they will turn it around on you saying you just never seemed interested, or they never said this or that, etc.
They will shift blame onto you to purposely make you feel defensive, then they will belittle and devalue you for being defensive, saying you are ‘an angry person’ or over-reacting by taking everything so personally. Since they do this so seamlessly they always keep you in a place of insecurity and confused or walking on those eggshells. They totally invalidate your ability to have any opinion as far as it concerns their words AND actions! You are always frozen in place to deflect the truth of what they are AND they will keep you there forever trying to only please them until you stop believing.
They will help you out in some manner but make you feel indebted for the little thing they have done AND they will keep reminding you of it! It invalidates the bigger picture of all that YOU have done for them.
They are psychotic story tellers, braggers, brow-beaters, psycho-bullies, arrogant, big-headed, con-artists, and one enormous lie.
Whatever they may do to help you out, they will make you feel beholden to them FOREVER. But they are never appreciative or even acknowledge any help you give – they will even find some way to negate whatever you do for them.
They are extremely skilled at making and distorting your reality with their words, actions and manipulations basically conditioning you to crave their constant approval or become dependent on them.
They build you up then knock you down. They will make you feel loved and very special, then they emotionally distance themselves from you to keep you unsure of the relationship and your reality.
They are a mishmash of behaviors and actions that they have harvested from different people they met at different times in their life. All of their ideas or ways of behaving in any given situation are stolen from others, people they know or perhaps think of as an authority or special. They morph into these qualities like an actor memorizing their role in a play or a movie because they do not have their own ‘normal’ reality.
They push your buttons like an elevator, with constant ‘ups and downs’ to keep you off-balance blameworthy OR the very opposite of this with positive compliments to lock you back up into the cycle of abuse.
They groom you with subtle to extreme manipulation with a combination of charm and rage (harm) to keep you controlled.
Their sense of omnipotence and self-importance (extreme neediness) means that they will manage down the conversations of others and bring it back onto themselves. Whatever you were discussing that may have been personal and important always turns around into a subject that concerns THEM and your words are lost forever and diminished.
They are PATHOLOGICAL liars, using all forms of lies to deceive. To quote a friend of mine, “If they are breathing, they are lying!”
They treat people as servants and expect them to do mundane things or always pay their way, since they feel so deserving and too important to do them. They manage people down to be more of a servant to them without a voice.
They constantly use “I”, “me,” and “my” when they talk because they are the most important thing in the world – it is ALWAYS about them. To go a step in the same direction, it is always “me, myself, and I” and never ever “we” unless they need something so they manipulate you once more to believe in the “we.”
You will very rarely if ever hear them talk about their innermost thoughts, life, memories, or dreams, because there are none that are real and personal to them – they will LIE and make up situations to create a false image of their extreme goodness and amazing life. For example – they will pose in a picture with their biological children as if they are such a real participant in their world when they just happened to be in a situation where their spouse did ALL of the work and the Narcissist poses for the photo opportunity only but did NOTHING real to support the spouse’s efforts in raising them.
They remain at a childlike level of maturity where there is never any growth – there is no operable maturity in their thinking and they ACT like a spoiled 3-year-old.
They express fake empathy, and use it as a tool that they con unsuspecting targets into their lair of darkness. They preach at that pulpit of respectability and morality where there is NONE in reality.
They only “give to get” by being nice or helpful expecting reciprocation. Always an agenda to get or take something as supply.
They present themselves as “having it all together or being on top of the world” never showing or divulging their many failures, weaknesses AND true darkness!
They shift to a defensive mode and/or rage very frequently when they feel threatened or are made accountable for their deceptive manner. This is a HUGE control mechanism to keep you in a subservient place or role in their lives!
They apologize, but it is ALWAYS shallow and never means there will be a real change in the bad behavior they were called on, it just means they are reeling you back to abuse you more for supply!
They deflect or run from their own problems rather than addressing them responsibly AND just blame someone else in the world. It is always YOUR fault that they did what they did!
They will demand your trust rather than earning it – and they will never be transparent enough for you to see any of their real qualities only the fake ones they create to shore up their ‘good’ image. They KNOW that they aren’t real enough to trust, so they always deflect to hide what they really are.
They see you as an extension of themselves, an object to use, you are never an individual and they will resist your every attempt at freedom from being a source of supply.
They re-write history, create incredulous and false stories, euphemisms, make up their own rules and laws but obey none. Their truth is completely FALSE!
They always talk about themselves to stay in control – our role is that of an entity like a mirror where they can stroke their ego through the false image they reflect onto us!
They find all of your weaknesses and exploit them to make you feel vulnerable AND they will use them against you by always pointing them out.
They honor NO personal boundaries and rarely listen or respect your “No.”
They will easily take advantage of others to reach their own goals without giving their actions a second thought. There is absolutely NO empathy in their world.
They will take or steal whatever they want from you or anybody. What is yours is theirs (without asking!)
Their façade is to always appear to be tough-minded, unyielding and unemotional to remain in control of others. But they will react to criticism with anger, blame-shifting, shaming or humiliating others to maintain their façade.
They fail to recognize people as individuals and consequently demean, devalue and dehumanize everybody that enters their lair of deceit.
They are very aggressive, hostile, verbally vicious, MEAN, and will punish anybody that wounds their delicate ego. They will divert to their defensive mode and will rip you apart with their rage and disgusting mouth. They think nothing of physically making fun of somebody to empower themselves and this makes them feel like they are in control.
They will vocalize regret for their actions but it is for ‘show’ and only for a short period of time. They will soon rationalize it away with blame, shame, project and basically dumping it all down our throat as being the problem and not them.
In some cases, they present themselves as ALWAYS being the sexiest, best looking and they will tell you how this person and that one checked them out and ‘wanted’ them. Their appearance is important, so primping in every mirror, and fastidiousness is common ground for them.
They talk in such inappropriate ways and believe that they are above reproach and we actually want to hear their perverse words or listen to their descriptive dialogue about their out-of-control lifestyle.
They will rationalize everything to make sure they always come out on top by negating praise that is appropriated to someone else.
They will steal your idea, your plan, your wisdom and EVEN your life and make it their own. They will fake their credentials, re-write history, name drop, lie on their resume or about their credentials – anything to get what they want without earning it the correct way.
They can create destructive chaos in any organization or business environment and cause dissention among the people that work there. This includes volunteer situations, church organization or virtually any group setting that they join.
This is a PARTIAL list of how they successfully make their ‘crazy making’ an operative agenda in every situation. Their abuse is never confined to just relationships they abuse every person and or situation that they are a participant. Their abuse is all too familiar to their families, biological children, friendships, co-workers, and organizations they are involved in. Unfortunately, the closer you are to them the more apparent their abuse becomes. They charm their way into everybody’s lives and ALWAYS harm them. I coined the phrase from “charm to harm.” Allowing a Narcissist into your life is a train wreck waiting to happen. You must avoid them like the plague because their crazy making is really psychological abuse that severely damages people, their careers, and their whole life. No/minimal contact is the only anecdote to their destruction and poison! You CAN’T allow them into any aspect of your life! Lock them out of your heart and mind! Greg
The “Ah Ha” quiz! Do any of these statements define you, or have you experienced any of the following?
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
1. You always seem to feel physically tense, anxious, some aches and pains, stomach ache, fast heart rate, difficulties breathing and fatigued.
2. You never seem to know what to expect at any given moment on any given day with this PARTICULAR person. You feel like everything is about to turn upside down, even if you have a nice day planned. You just never know if some small thing is going to turn into an argument, or you will be raged at, made fun of, or silenced and punished. Your husband, wife, friend, partner, brother, sister, father or mother is seemingly caring and considerate one moment and then coldly dismisses you the next moment with no warning and no justification.
3. You have developed a severely damaged sense of self-worth and self-esteem and always seem to be second guessing yourself or your worth in every situation with this person.
4. EVERYTHING seems to have a negative spin attached to it. How you cook, how you clean, a gift you give, what you wear, your friends, your job, and your looks – everything is a TARGET FOR NEGATIVE COMMENTS.
5. You have had prolonged bouts of depression and anxiety. You seem to cycle in and out of these periods of depression and anxiety and this seems to be in direct correlation with the chronological time you have spent with this person.
6. You begin to doubt your own existence and your sense of reality as if somebody has kidnapped your spirit.
7. You experience lack of sleep for prolonged periods of time.
8. You feel as if you are not a real person in your relationship, more like a pet that is trained to do tricks like jumping through hoops, etc.
9. You feel as if you are not allowed to voice your own thoughts and opinions or you will be put in your place, raged at and even punished.
10. You feel it is an enormous struggle to be heard or acknowledged as an individual.
11. You feel that every problem in your relationship is somehow your fault and you are always blamed and shamed for everything.
12. You have experience exaggerated feelings of guilt and shame.
13. You are always drawn back into trying to fix or relate to him/her even though you only experience pain/blame/shame in doing so. It becomes a vicious cycle that seems to only get worse.
14. You feel trapped as if in an impossible situation, unable to find a way out.
15. You feel as if you have to fight all the time and are worn out and exhausted or basically forced into a corner all the time.
16. You are confused constantly with racing thoughts, as if you are losing your mind trying to find some sort of peace.
17. You feel as if you are surrounded with negativity. Everything you do, everything you say is met with some sort of comment that negates you or an action you do.
18. Arguments seem to appear out of nowhere.
19. You are made to feel physically ugly and mentally unstable with words or actions from this person.
20. You feel like you are going insane, or better yet pushed to believe you are insane by actions that are not you like forgetfulness, missing items, etc.
21. You are raw with emotions none of which make any sense to you anymore – but you know this feeling all too well anymore. Your thoughts may not even be clear enough at this point to understand that something is terribly wrong with you because you are always in a fog and basically DISSABLED. You are probably thinking of ways to “fix” the relationship AGAIN. Perhaps you may know that the situation is just not right but you are even willing to “fix” him/her, but at what cost to you? You may even be getting ready to crawl back to your partner, but you know the drill so well because it is like a reoccurring dream where you are screaming and can’t be heard or trying to run and you aren’t able to move.
YES to all of the above in my situation – so WHY and HOW did I get there? A little personal information to help you understand!
Throughout my relationship, I knew that the person I was ‘with’ wasn’t emotionally well, I just didn’t know how unwell AND how emotionally unwell I had become for even wanting to continue and staying in this toxic relationship. I was blind sighted by the ‘love bombing’ and believing the “woe-be-me” stories/excuses in the beginning which are the most dangerous of the tools a Narcissist uses to trap their target.
For those who have been through it, I don’t need to explain any of this. It just didn’t make any sense to me! It was like something inside of them is/was wrong, injured, or whatever. Unfortunately, I believed it could be fixed or I could HEAL this person so I kept applying “bandages” in an attempt to fix something SO unseen, so deep, and so damaged that I couldn’t even begin to understand it yet alone fix it. I WAS TOTALLY BLINDSIGHTED by what was abuse and I ended up damaging MYSELF IN THE PROCESS!
Empathy, caring and unconditional love can cure many things, but NOT with a Malignant Narcissist and it would be more akin to throwing gas on a fire with the hopes to extinguish it. They are not in ANY relationship for friendship, bonding, or love by any means! What really defines them is an abhorrent being and someone that would scheme, manipulate and brain-wash another into believing they had something that was a connection, real, or even as wonderful as “love” and then use THAT to debase, dehumanize and destroy the person AFTER they got what it was that they wanted. But that is the downfall of anybody that buys into this abhorrent relationship with them – BELIEVING in them!
Normal in my relationship was basically achieving ONE SINGLE DAY without some sort of incident where I was blamed, shamed or punished AND RAGED at for something or other – and usually something delusional or unreal. “Normal” simply meant that my Narcissist was still there and we achieved a complete day without an incident. What was so hidden behind all of this was the reality of just what was there with me – a lying, betraying, perverted, manipulative, cheating, delusional, disordered, vile, and VOLATILE human being that got off on hurting and punishing me. An argument (out of nowhere) would always end up as 3 days of silence and punishment – and the opportunity for this Narcissist to constantly cheat, betray and then blame me. This sounds crazy but it is the real truth – UNFORTUNATELY the truth isn’t apparent when we need it to be because they are PRO’s at this game. Add to this that we tend to view the world in a NORMAL or reality based manner, and within that thought process I NEVER thought another adult was capable of doing the things this person did to me and my family. It is like the iceberg theory – what you see above the water is MINOR compared to what is beneath the water!
I started investigating and reading everything I could find on any mental illness that this person would fit into so I could help THEM. I had always suspected that bipolar was the possible diagnosis because the Narcissist’s mother as well as an ex-spouse mentioned it to me on numerous occasions as it concerned many problems from a PAST marriage, so that was where I began AND that blind sighted me to the real truth. I just couldn’t understand how this person, could all of the sudden, be so detached, so cold, cruel, distant, and with a temper so terrible that it was actually scary and getting worse. It was meant to be scary because that is how they debase and control – they are psycho bullies that have to feel powerful by putting life and people down. This person was BEYOND anything I could have done to help – and I am not even sure that there is therapy enough out there to make a dent in how disordered and vile this Malignant Narcissist had been to me and my family, as well as many before me. I only wish I could have known about this disorder to know that I wasn’t dealing with someone that couldn’t change or even wanted to change – I was dealing with a predator that I fell prey to!
Then there were all of these CRAZY, horrible and UNTRUE things this person (the Narcissist) was saying about me and WHY? Then I found information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it was like a light bulb turned on inside my head and a HUGE ‘Ah Ha’ moment. From that point on I knew that what I suspected was true and that there was a name to this disorder and none of this was about me or my fault. It was a Malignant Narcissist I was dealing with!
At that point in my juncture I wanted to know more. I discovered a wealth of knowledge in websites, personal blogs, articles and books relating to the subject. I couldn’t believe the number of people who had been through similar situations AND most if not all had been to hell and back trying desperately to make things work with their partners, only to wind up alone and confused, hurt and ABUSED. I read so many horror stories about this ‘personality disorder’ that was basically describing cruelty or even evil.
With knowledge, education and the support of other victims/targets you will see the complete picture – and it will never make what they did better, but you will understand because you have finally been educated into what they are and what YOU aren’t. A Narcissist is a dead giveaway in the way they create their delusional turmoil after each and every departure from one of their con jobs or relationships as the Narcissist prefers to call them. While they are running away like the thieves they really are with their tails between their legs, they are really running away from the truth of who and what they are. We are the truth they are running from as they are throwing lies at us in an effort to smear our integrity and destroy us. They never can or will admit to what they have done, instead they will always slither into someone else’s life to find shelter, and take what they can emotionally and physically. No/minimal contact to end the madness and chaos. Greg
I finally stopped believing when I realized I was compromising my own emotional and psychological well-being when my head just froze up with too much confusion, too many justifications to stretch my beliefs, and bending my emotions too much to meet the Narcissist’s needs and getting out of this horrendous relationship became my primary and only process. I was constantly spinning my wheels trying to always believe in what only amounted to lies and manipulation in EVERY aspect of this relationship with this Narcissist. This awakening AND the truth was the miracle for me that got me away from this Narcissist.
This is psychological abuse in a nutshell, a hideous and destructive daily betrayal by a disordered Narcissist. I wish I could put it into better words for those out there that are still justifying their life away and sinking deeper and deeper in this psychological abuse. Believing them only takes more and more of your reality away and they will take you down all the way if you keep believing in them and leave you with NOTHING!
All they are doing is delivering their poison with a little sugar to make it go down your throat easier. It is the mix of their lies, manipulation, betrayal or the cycle of their psychological abuse. None of which defines us as stupid or a fool – it defines them as psychological terrorists! Narcissists are TOTALLY self-absorbed and tend to be highly charming – let’s even say they are pathologically self-absorbed. They have a constant need for admiration, and addicted to their quest to find their relevance in any person they can source out and harvest even when they are in committed relationships. They view all events in terms of how the events impact and serve them and them alone. They are master manipulators and feel an “emotional high” with each new conquest. So for an example and a quick fix to gain more admiration they may resort to “hooking up” for a one-night stand that requires very little effort on their part (especially emotionally) and it brings them a huge dose of that supply to feed that vast and needy void of a dark life. It is like us taking a daily vitamin supplement to boost our health but a Narcissist takes on lots of ‘extra’ supply for any and many reasons on the side to boost their unhealthy ego. None of us have more or less significance than any other person they seduce into their agenda so please STOP trying to believe in them and their lies!
Their behavior is often edgy and impulsive which can often appear exciting to people. These individuals lack all empathy and compassion unless it helps them achieve their goals, so they don’t care if they hurt their spouse, partner, girlfriend/boyfriend, etc., because their out-of-control neediness rules their world. They are unwilling to see or EVER consider anything from another person’s viewpoint. They will continue the emotional control with a target/victim until the relationship becomes too burdensome – and that interprets as the non-narcissistic partner confronting the Narcissist or demanding accountability then it is the great departure and annihilation with rage, blame, shame and projection – it is OUR entire fault of course and they will lie even more to justify this and destroy our integrity and just move on as if we never existed.
They utilize no moral code or boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity, frequently offering marriage, promises, children, OR literally whatever the target/victim “needs to hear” in order to close the deal and secure supply (both long term and ‘extra’ supply on the side). You only have to wonder why they just don’t live out their perverse lifestyle without us, but they do need us because we shield them by providing a cloak of morality and invisibility by using OUR good qualities to protect them from real exposure – we are just a part of the camouflage they wear. Narcissists ALWAYS find someone and they even develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, deceiving without stumbling over their words, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal to find ANOTHER source for supply. There is always a lonely sympathizer out there to buy their lies.
The Narcissist I was with had an affair early on – perhaps a year and a half after we were together. I found out about it through a friend that stumbled onto the information. Now to exactly understand JUST how disordered and separated they are from reality as it concerns any human relationship this Narcissist actually wrote a poem for me the very night the affair started (with this extra supply) about love and growing old together (as it concerned the Narcissist and me). I was at a point that I believed that this person (my Narcissist) was someone I wanted to pursue a life with and vice versa. I would say in clinical terms we were at the height of the love bombing and this Narcissist was pushing for us to move in together or “going in for the kill,” but in true Narcissistic fashion had an affair without a single thought as far as it concerned me. The lies this Narcissist presented to escape the truth were not only ridiculous but seriously delusional and I was insane for believing them at the time!
The beginning of a relationship with a Narcissist is so fantastic that one falls head over heels in love and those emotions blind sight us to the very truth that is in front of us because the ‘love bombing’ is the most dangerous tool in the Narcissist’s arsenal. As time goes by, the mask is slowly shifting and shattering, and the true face of a Narcissist slowly starts to emerge. A Narcissist can change in a blink of an eye from a loving and caring person into someone who is capable of cheating, being emotionally cold, dishonest, rude, raging and uncaring. Why? Well let’s just say they are not capable of human emotions so all we are seeing is the false image they are projecting to keep us locked up in their scam! Without empathy and love they are cut off at the knees as far as moving forward to develop anything more than satisfying themselves and they get bored and constantly look for more and better supply. There is NO SUCH THING AS A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM! It is an opportunity for them to extort all they can from whomever they can trick into their web of pathological deceit.
Even after realizing that you are dealing with a Narcissistic personality with all the cheating, lying, shouting, criticizing, raging, making fun of you, and all of the other unpleasant things that are occurring on a regular basis, it can still be incredibly difficult to break off the relationship even though you know a Narcissist is not going to change his or her behavior. Their mental hooks are buried very deep in our heads and thoughts of breaking up can create feelings of hopelessness, depression, sadness, anxiety and trauma! Remember the Narcissist has been conditioning us in a manner to confound our every thought and action. It is sometimes an impossible feat for a target/victim to wrap their head completely around just how disordered a Narcissist is. Where do we pull this information from because this is more than likely our first experience with a Narcissist so we defer to what we know about ‘normal’ human relationships and that is as different as apples and oranges?
Narcissists are unable to put themselves into the place of another person as far as understanding what harm they are causing them. This is because a Narcissist is totally lacking that empathy thing. Narcissists act in very cold and cruel ways towards those who are closest to them because they have no internal mechanisms to filter the harm and disdain that they really have for life. A Narcissist acts sadistic in the full meaning of the word, being cold and insensitive towards the pain of others. Narcissists simply avoid accessing any mental “tools” that would personally blame them and just deny their behavior is causing great pain, anxiety and depression to the people who are close to them. They justify it with ‘blaming and shaming’ through MORE projection. Basically they feel that they deserve special attention in every aspect of their life. If they go out and have a one-night stand, it is our fault because we haven’t met all of their needs and we better get over it and start serving them in better ways than we have. Plus, they are slippery and slimy characters that aren’t going to admit to anything that deems them accountable for ANYTHING in life. Hmmm, isn’t that a cognitive process that defines them as thinking and knowing that they are doing something wrong and ‘covering’ it up to avoid exposure? Yes, so I would say that they quite possibly know exactly what they are doing and JUST DON’T CARE one iota about people.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and want to end the relationship, the most important thing you need to realize is that you are not really in love with your Narcissistic husband/wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. You fell in love with the unreal image you created of your Narcissistic partner in the beginning of the relationship because they were setting all the images and traps for you with their ‘love bombing.” When the true nature and personality of a Narcissist starts to show up you have already become too psychologically attached to that false and delusional image they purposely created, which makes it very difficult to end the relationship. This was the Narcissists goal!
You probably feel you will never find another person who can love you as strongly as this Narcissist and ‘ah ha’ that is the grand scheme or manipulation that the Narcissist created personally for you. You feel disoriented and depressed and you are trying to hold on to your relationship and make it work at any cost. But your “love” towards a Narcissist is just an illusion, a mental trap your own mind has gotten caught up in, and the Narcissist created. In reality those precious things you imagine you shared do not exist and never will. It may be hard for you to see this now if you are still with them, but believe me once the fog lifts you will see the truth that supports this in ways that will sicken you. It is the betrayal that destroys your spirit AND trust in the world and that is just another level of this abuse that prohibits you from moving forward to find a better place in your life. This will change!!
You must take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. The best thing you can do is to end the toxic relationship, which is slowly making you sick. If you stay with a Narcissist or this cheater and mental abuser for too long, eventually there is no love left, only a twisted version of something that will become a debilitating and destructive routine in your life. Don’t waste any part of your precious life with a Narcissist because the outcome will always be disastrous and destroys so much of you. PLEASE stop believing that you can do anything to change this or fix this. However, you can fix yourself and heal from this if you allow yourself to start on this journey! Go no/minimal contact to start on your journey to recovery. Greg
So many times we question many things that surrounds this abuse from a Narcissist. We feel extreme anxiety, hopelessness, stress, angst, depression, low self-esteem and we keep returning to the same question of when will we finally move on and heal from the effects of this Narcissist and the abuse? It is like being on a merry-go-round by ourselves and all we want to do is get off! Well the answer is right there – we have to get off of that Narcissist’s merry-go-round and put the energy into our PERSONAL recovery and that starts with education/knowledge and then moving away from anything and everything Narcissist. You CAN’T change the Narcissist, heal them, move them to love you, or anything – so PUT THAT ENERGY BACK IN YOURSELF because you CAN change, heal and move forward!
One reason healing and recovery is slow and we fall backwards is because we need to be educated about this abuse FIRST because we have had no real experience to really understand it as well as why we reacted as we did and fell into these destructive patterns. When all is said and done we are dealing with what we believe are those normal emotions and the withdrawal of breaking up, but it is much deeper because it was emotional/psychological abuse!
To truly understand this abuse and how we managed to live with it (and through it) as well as the destructive unhealthy patterns, we need to purge everything out of us so ‘time’ is part of the equation of recovery, and EVERYBODY recovers at their own pace. BUT your voice is the very first step to validating this abuse by talking about it and finding your way to other people that have experienced the exact same patterns that you have and then from there the truth will light your way to recovery. A Narcissist is NEVER going to tell the truth about anything yet alone offer any type of closure or admit that they abused you, so remove them from the equation completely – this is about you becoming healthy again. Once they KNOW you are on to them they start maligning and destroying you to your immediate world (friends, family, co-workers) because they fear exposure. They start on their horrendous smear campaign to make you out to be everything wrong, a liar, damaged, mentally ill, etc., and basically destroying your integrity. That is just more of the abuse and again them displaying MORE chaos and diversions to keep you under their control, silenced, and dragging you back into the emotional and psychological manipulation, confusion, and TRAUMA. So, information is healing power and we need this from the experience of others to lead us in the right direction so we don’t keep stumbling and falling back into the abuse.
We were conned into a relationship we BELIEVED was love and slowly but surely we were managed down, controlled, extorted, devalued, dehumanized and then discarded. We were like prisoners that were locked up in our own mind because of this psychological war that a Narcissist waged with us but we didn’t know it was a war. The Narcissist not only infiltrated our minds but also our lives to isolate us through triangulation with our friends and family as well as smearing our integrity. That is similar to what prisoners of war experience with brainwashing and accepting their roles as well as their captors too. The world of a prisoner of war becomes so small and is usually only shared with their captor and the four walls that surround them. Their whole life is managed down and controlled by their captor and that prisoner’s reality is broken down and destroyed by the isolation and brainwashing they experience. It is intentional just as the abuse at the hands of a Narcissist was/is. This abuse psychologically captures the target/victim’s reality and it methodically destroys it through psychological tactics that are meant to demean, devalue and DESTROY the target/victim. A Narcissist is a very disordered person that disables and destroys people to take what they need and discard us as damaged goods! This was never a battle that WE knew about, we believed what the Narcissist pathologically manipulated us into believing in the beginning and that was that we were in a committed and loving relationship. That is one incredulous tactic to use on a person that only describes and shouts out a very deceptive agenda to extort.
How does a person with normal empathy wrap their head around a Narcissist? What words are appropriate – did we love a person or did we love a Narcissist? Now ask yourself to completely justify your choice and it is troubling. Your mind is or was constantly in a circle of trying to believe that they were real as they brain-washed you into believing with their ‘love bombing.’ Then you have to face the reality that so much of what you believed in as well as accountability on the Narcissist’s part becomes so much so into question when we are devalued and discarded. The new truth will conjure up so much trauma as it concerns the Narcissist moving on so quickly as well as the hate they are throwing back at you and you ask yourself over and over again WHY! This conflict is beyond confusing to deal with because you are a person that only KNOWS love and practices empathy so you are left trying to find some avenue of goodness in them (the Narcissist) to reconcile this especially since they put on such a display of love in the beginning. There is NO avenue of goodness here because it was abuse!
It is not within our realm of understanding so it keeps us continually wrapped up with self-doubt and justifications. The truth is that the ‘love bombing’ as amazing and reinforcing as it was to us is no less destructive than the devaluation process or the discard because it was the force behind the Narcissists agenda to gain our trust and move us into the cycle of this abuse AND what got us here today. The road to recovery REQUIRES a crash course about this abuse so we get our REAL ‘ah ha’ moment about the reality of our situation. Even with the truth in mind our emotions will have to be dealt with in a sort of grieving process to move forward because the situation was purely diabolical within the manner that we were conned. Unfortunately, the emotional aspect (love) of this abuse does not go away even with our ‘ah ha’ moment and THAT is what keeps you locked up in the justifications and trying to fix what we were basically ‘blamed and shamed’ into believing that we destroyed. Just another trick on the Narcissists part to keep us confused and on this terrible roller coaster of ‘emotional ups and downs.’ They are like ticks that attach themselves to our skin sucking our blood or very life force! If and when you try to remove them their head stays lodged in your skin causing great damage because their infectious poison remains inside of you. Without treatment you can suffer for the remainder of your life. BUT trust me that in time the pain will lesson with the truth, knowledge, education and the support of other victims/survivors. It all starts with your voice and talking about your situation.
A Narcissist will make us their punching bag for their inadequacies through rages. Their aim is to force us into a co-dependent role and their possession (object) to use at will – that and to gain control over us, our emotions and our life. We are not prized by them as an equal partner but taken for granted as long as we give them supply and even that is probably a bit too complementary as to them having ANY feelings for us even as supply. This is a dehumanizing partnership we have with them because we were only the NEXT object in a Narcissist’s long past of using and abusing people. It was just our turn because of an unfortunate twist of fate that landed us right in their web of lies and deceit, or a predator finding its prey.
Recovery is a process that demands that we separate ourselves from the Narcissist that is inside of us as the result of living or being with that Narcissist. The Narcissist has crippled you (us) and assigned you a role as they do to every target/victim. We HAD to develop coping mechanisms with him/her. EVERY day we were forced (controlled) to “walk on eggshells” and develop our own false self to support their every need. It is nothing even comparable to BEING a Narcissist it is just defining what we become and that is NS or Narcissistic supply. It is a direct result of the elaborate arsenal of tools that the Narcissist uses and the result of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you (us) by the Narcissist.
With all of that being said, great efforts are required to abandon a Narcissist and physical separation is only the first step. Next psychological separation is also required and that is the catch 22 in our recovery. Establishing a new reality that puts all of our old beliefs about this relationship to rest forever. We can abandon a Narcissist physically but our psyche is slow to abandon the Narcissist. The abuse is lurking there rendering its existence at every level of our reality. It is twisting and distorting our every thought as we reach out to find closure in response to the many years we were with them. The Narcissist’s words and actions live within us as an inner, remorseless voice, lacking any compassion and empathy for our real being. The Narcissist is there in spirit long after he/she has vanished physically. This is the final bow of the Narcissist or their final curtain call, the proxy abuse, as well as the blame and shame that has to be purged out of us as if this was our fault or we deserved it. That is what emotional and psychological abuse does to a good and loving person – disables them until they repurpose themselves back into life.
Just like the analogy of that fast ride on the merry-go-round, my only salvation was to jump off at all costs and get my feet back on the ground and my bearings back again. This was not a simple process because this Narcissist made sure to set the groundwork to make those nearest and dearest to me believe that I was a bad person and derelict – so that ground was shaky at first. This was an insurmountable situation that I had to venture into without any course of action to resolve any of it quickly. I stumbled through it and had to let go of many things that were important to my life and become a survivor. Day by day I acquired the truth as well as knowledge to move forward. I didn’t look at any of the losses at first, I realized that my survival was based on becoming healthy first and then to rebuild from there. I had to concentrate on ME and only me because I needed to be healthy once more. I had to step out of the fog and take each and every day as part of my freedom that provided me clarity to heal and move on little by little until I survived this war that was waged against my life. They just don’t walk into our lives to take supply and then discard us, they have to destroy us to make themselves feel better or superior in the process and to bury the evidence to avoid exposure.
They will put so much time into their agenda to trap someone new and take them down to their level, but we do break free from them and their little battle rages on with life that forces them to keep searching for another person. They don’t ever look back on their life with fond memories, or fulfilled dreams because they don’t have a REAL life. Their own biological children become targets/victims and suffer from the fallout of their abuse and quickly become like every other person they abandon. They have no past, present or future – only the destruction, loss and loneliness that they have inflicted upon others that RETURNS to them tenfold. There is no happiness or ‘new’ love in their life, just another target to abuse and a new game for them to play AND distancing their past so it doesn’t catch up with them. You have the heart, soul and mind to grow from this destructive time you spent with them. You can love again and you have the spirit and goodness from your past life to reprocess yourself and bring yourself back again. Unlike a Narcissist that is in a constant battle with life, you are resilient because you know unconditional love that heals and have empathy to grow as rational, functioning and normal human beings do! Don’t waste any of your precious time thinking about them because they are not giving you a single thought – know this as the truth! No/minimal contact to move forward! Greg
Narcissists DO find their ideal victims, and usually they are emotionally giving, very caring, kind, loving and selfless – basically good people like YOU and I. Generally, people that are centered in life and good natured, AND also loaded with positive empathy, emotionally generous, and unconditional as well. They will bend their boundaries just enough to accommodate the bigger picture, and that is keeping life in a positive direction, working through things, turning the other cheek, etc. There is nothing wrong with that nor should any person be judged or looked down upon as a weak person for these qualities or better yet taken advantage of, bullied and abused for who or what they are. What I am only describing is a good and INTELLIGENT person that strives to keep positive balance in their life. My point here is that there is no label that should be applied to any target/victim as being deserving of abuse from a Narcissist or anybody.
Yes of course there are lessons to be learned after abuse as it concerns creating new boundaries to protect yourself from future abuse. In the real world there is and has to be give and take BUT unfortunately the world of a Narcissist is ‘take and take more,’ or more appropriately con, trap, manipulate, extort, and abuse. It is a learning process that comes post abuse, or after being a target of this hideous situation and what is most important is that you don’t lock up your values and distrust the world. I had boundaries in my life to protect myself from chaotic, dangerous, and bad people – BUT I had no clue that there were people out there capable of tricking me through extreme lies and manipulation, using love to gain my trust and then willfully abusing that trust to extort from me and cause such destruction in my life. Narcissists will always step on and over your boundaries with their extreme trickery and manipulation.
Narcissists will search out people and get a feel for who will dance their dance, play their game and who won’t and that is what makes them purely predatory. So basically these Narcissist’s are surveying, assessing, and interviewing most everybody within their general habitat to find their next SOURCES of supply to prey upon. They seek out and find their primary supply and many other sources of supply on the side. Supply, supply, supply – that is the Narcissist’s ONLY goal and main objective, no real relationship, no real love, or no real future! They are like locusts attacking a field of wheat that they strip bare to satisfy their hunger. They don’t care that it causes the farmer great loss and they don’t miss the wonderful farmer whose crops they feasted upon or even send that farmer a thank you note OR establish closure of any sort – they just move onto the next field to pillage. Realistically a locust doesn’t trick a farmer into loving them, and the farmer is well aware that locusts exist, as well as what they can do to their crops. But that is my point WE didn’t realize that there was a dangerous creature out there that could do this to us with an arsenal of tools to achieve their agenda. The message here is that you CAN’T blame yourself or believe you are a fool – this was situational.
Here is where the big game of manipulation begins. They snuggle right up to your emotions and mimic them to create an amazing connection. Add to the equation that they are charming, intoxicating, AND they seduce their prey into their lair with lies and manipulation. They create a perfect ‘love story’ for us and seriously it is only a story and one written precisely for us and then mother nature does her part. It is a calculated move on the Narcissist’s part to figure out exactly how to find a place in our heart through our minds. They are quite good at it because they have fooled us or better yet conned us into a place where they will take advantage of our trust AND generosity. To a Narcissist it is just another day with no real thought or remorse to any of their adverse actions. They want something so they go after it and there are no rules or laws that they abide by as it concerns any harm they cause to people. Don’t forget that there is also NO empathy, so they don’t know ‘love’ or even have a clue what it feels like, but interestingly enough they mimic it very well. What an amazing and well thought out plan a Narcissist develops and uses to secure their supply that shouts out PREDATOR!
The relationship happens so fast and they swept all of us right off of our feet and into their destructive hands. The reality and the very scary thing here is that they knew exactly what they were doing (too bad we didn’t know this!) None of this was love at first sight, or two soul mates finally meeting up in life, or that prince/princess charming fairy tale that we have heard and read about! Furthermore, this was not coincidental, an accident or FATE – you met certain criteria and were selected, targeted and then pulled into their cycle of abuse. This is all premeditated because a Narcissist does NOT know ‘love’ or act upon loving emotions/feelings in the realm of any relationship, nor are they a supportive partner, or in it for the long run. They are in this relationship (and I use this word loosely) to harvest their needs or SUPPLY just like you were a new washing machine. They will trade you in at the first sign of breaking down. They will overload your capacity and basically make you break down (just like a washing machine.) OH, and they probably are seriously entertaining a dryer (for supply,) a vacuum, stove, coffee maker etc. on the side. The point here is that they objectify people and we are basically an object to them and they have many objects that they are using at the same time. The difference is who provides the most supply gets the top billing with them.
You just don’t ‘spot’ a Narcissist because they don’t have a sign over their head that identifies them as one. Plus, they are very evasive creatures that camouflage their true identity and darkness so they can walk among us freely searching for supply to harvest. Even now the facts of how many Narcissists are out there abusing is probably way off. Do you think this predator is going to identify themselves in a census count? NO WAY because their false identity is part of their trade secret!
I always hear this commercial on TV as it concerns identity theft and your credit cards. The announcer says “protect yourself from identity theft with “blah, blah, blah” – a service that monitors any and all transactions on your credit/debit cards. Identity theft is relatively new but WOW society is well aware of it and the damage it can do to their financial world. Well a Narcissist will mess with your identity (and your finances) among many other things, BUT there is no monitoring company out there that protects you and calls your cell phone when a Narcissist is extorting every aspect of your life. When you are out today ask the first person you see to define identity theft and then ask them to define a malignant Narcissist. You can bet they know what identity theft is BUT they will be lacking a cohesive definition about Narcissism. One last question – who do identity thieves go after? ANYBODY AND EVERYBODY because they are predators after something we have that we can ‘SUPPY’ them with – Narcissists could be aptly name identity thieves too! AMEN!
There are some clues or red flags that we definitely overlooked, but that is just not our human nature to turn away from something so amazing that ‘looks and feels’ like real love. We are going to pursue this and of course we are looking out for ourselves – but the ‘love bombing’ of a Narcissist is created with US BEING THE MAIN COEFFICIENT and personally designed with US in mind. What part of the ‘love bombing’ could have been identified as ‘questionable’ when someone is loving you so completely?
They are just seamless with their lies, commitment stories, manipulation, etc. It isn’t until AFTER you are taken in that the real monster rears its ugly face AND after all of your emotions are in place and loving them. In the beginning stage it is all lies, manipulation and seductive charm. None of which are the type you can easily prove or even want to prove. Do you smack a Narcissist on the nose for saying they love you, or reject their hugs and caring with another smack? Do you run to the police when they say they love you and ask a detective to follow them? No, but in time you will be feeling like you want to, but that is down the road and after the big con job. This is a manipulative and lying predator with an agenda in mind and it is a ‘one on one’ manipulation with only YOU and the NARCISSIST in this dance! We don’t know how disordered they are while they lure us into their trap NOR do we know they are a Narcissist! Hindsight being 20/20 we get this message loud and clear AFTER we have been abused. The general populace doesn’t get this, nor would they believe that this creature could turn a beautiful romance into a horrendous game of destruction.
Reclaim your power by externalizing (dumping) any and all blame and realize that the enemy you were dealing with was very stealth and the attack came out of nowhere and this is not your fault! You are left as a prisoner of war would be and the poison that flows through your psyche started with what you thought was love. It is an insurmountable and huge betrayal with the dehumanization and realization that it was all a big lie every minute you believed you were with them exclusively because you really weren’t. It is a ridiculous and horrendous pill to swallow. A person entered into your life that you loved (and they said they loved you exclusively) but it was ALL ONE BIG CON JOB! They extorted your emotions and manipulated them in such a debilitating manner to take you from this great love to making you out to be defective and worthless. Every person that has encountered this abuse can relate EXACTLY to this disturbing truth. Reminds me of one of those old black and white movies where a thug picks up a hitchhiker, making them believe they are going to drive them to their destination with good intentions, but instead steals their wallet and self-respect, and then pushes them out of the moving car and then drives off to find another victim. Knowledge is power and the truth that seems to hurt so much right now is what will lead you away from this abuse and into recovery and healing. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
It is all about supply and demand! We are supply and the Narcissist demands that we basically serve all of their needs!
For any victim/target, the process of understanding this abuse is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you so much of your time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem, your career or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to this relationship. It may have become your entire life, even having a family with a Narcissist. For the Narcissist however, the whole process isn’t really personal AT ALL! The Narcissist WILL do the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him/her into their intimate life. We are all reduced and considered as OBJECTS and supply and we are just one of many be it from their past or even their present since they can and do have multiple sources of supply in their life. Life is a department store where the Narcissist shops for the SPECIFIC supply they desire – but they would be more aptly described as “shoplifters” because they feel completely entitled to take whatever they desire AND when they desire it – AND shopaholics because they are addicted!
They will do it again and again to everyone they seduce into their lair of manipulation, lies, and betrayal. It’s not about you or me, and it is not about the other people involved who are new/extra supply, the many partners they were with, the minions the Narcissist employ in their game and set against you, or the many ‘others” the Narcissist used to make you compete and/or jealous – all of this is supply to validate the Narcissist’s ego, to give him/her pleasure, to meet his/her fickle needs. No one source of supply means anything more or less than any other supply. When you realize this is is shocking or better yet traumatizing to accept yet alone believe!
The Narcissist wasn’t with them (the new/extra or any supply) because they are/were superior to you so you have to get that thought completely out of your head and heart. The Narcissist was with them for the same reason that he/she was with you or me – to extort and use them, perhaps for different purposes than the Narcissist used you, but with the same devastating effect – debilitating abuse. The Narcissist will invariably treat others in a very similar way to how he/she treated you. Idealize, devalue and discard – or how the Narcissist utilizes and processes their targets/victims into what we believe is a ‘relationship’ to secure or harvest supply – then move on to the next. It was/ is and will always be only about the Narcissist’s need to extort people and life. Our abuse is the outcome of the process (idealize, devalue and discard). They win us over with their pathological seduction to control us and USE US to satisfy all their needs for as long as you stay with the Narcissist. WE ARE ALL SUPPLY AND TEMPORARY.
So WHY does a Narcissist idealize their targets in the first place. Why do they invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? Well this is what makes up the components of the abuse as well as defines them as predators, extortionists and the abusers they are. Basically they need us to survive in this world because they have no alternative because they are a part of this human race but they do NOT think or act like us. They must put on a façade of normalcy to fit in or else be exposed.
So with that in mind the obvious response would be that they do it for security or constant and ‘longer term supply.” Perhaps they do it because they can’t get close to people to secure supply with their TRUE psychopathic nature – SO IT IS A NEEDED PART of the big con job by concentrating their energy on ONE PRIMARY SOURCE and hopefully locking them in long term to always have a steady source readily available. It is the psychopathy that goes hand in hand with their personality disorder – and it is how they are wired! Whenever a Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because he/she wants something from that person and THEY WILL EXTORT IT OUT OF THEM!
It all depends on what the Narcissist wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him/her. If the Narcissist wants some sort of semblance of order and respectability or a façade of diversion behind which he/she can hide his/her TRUE and perverse nature to appear harmless and normal, he/she may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. If all he/she wants is to have some fun, it will be over within a short period of time, maybe even a couple of hours. If the Narcissist wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he/she may stay with you for as long as you excite him/her. It may even be a relationship so that the Narcissist can climb up the ladder of success in their career and they will target and charm THOSE people that will help them achieve their goal. If it is to secure an army of ‘minions’ to support the Narcissist’s façade they will create these relationships to avoid exposure. Despite the differences or the length of time or timeline that the Narcissist remains with ANY supply, what will remain constant is that eventually, you’ll be discarded as soon as you no longer serve his/her needs.
They do enjoy the chase, the seduction and the betrayal. They relish creating the illusion that they’re something they’re not because it is all part of their psychopathic ego feeding process and being a Narcissist. They also enjoy observing how they dupe others into believing all of their fiction – AND THE REWARDS ARE GREAT FOR THE NARCISSIST – all the supply they can get through their lies and manipulation. This isn’t just psycho-babble it is the clinical truth and it is horrendous to actualize the truth when you are the one being duped, extorted, conned, etc. AGAIN when the Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because they want something from that person – that is all there is to it – the rest of it is HOW they con you into this role as their source of supply.
The CLINICAL research does confirm that Narcissists suffer from a lack of empathy as well as the EMOTIONS that would be directly related to somebody that HAD empathy, so that makes their bonding superficial, at best. When they want something or someone they pursue that goal with all their might. You are a means to an end or a SOURCE of SUPPLY to feed their many needs. You were never idealized for YOURSELF, but for something else you had OR supply as it concerns this personality disordered Narcissist. But when their goal is actually you/us – then their pursuit feels very REAL because we are being SEDUCED and conned. They will even get married to pull us into this huge con or big lie and that gives them a lifeline to you/us legally and emotionally for their constant chaos and crazy making.
Temporarily we represent the object of their desire, the answer to their needs, the love of their life and the key to their happiness – remember they can’t do any of this on their own because of their psychopathic nature and lack of all empathy so they need other normal humans. But this feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s empty to the core, they are COMPLETELY empty – a big needy void. Add to this that they are addicts – and supply is their drug so they are always off and looking for the next fix! All of this pretty much fuels their out-of-control lifestyle. As we’ve observed, once the Narcissist feels they have you in their grasp AND once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on them, they GET BORED with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. We are THEIR supply in this psychopathic manipulation, and they are NOT going to be ‘our’ supply or give anything to us in return – this is a one-way street. So inevitably they are going to move on when we try to make this “relationship” real in a manner that we are a VIABLE part of it and have needs – that is when the devaluation and the blame is turned onto the victim. They are not in a relationship that grows in a normal manner, they are in a delusional and contractual agreement with every other human being that states we will SUPPLY the Narcissist with EVERYTHING they desire and expect NOTHING in return except for emotional and psychological abuse that can disable a victim’s core beliefs. No/minimal contact is the only way out! Greg
N0/Minimal Contact – A little field guide to help you through the insidious process and BREAK FREE from their PRISON of ABUSE!
A Narcissist wants you to react to their hurtful behaviors, so they can feel righteous, indignant, powerful, in control – AND they will even mimic a ‘make believe’ hurt and justification when they need to blame or dump their shame onto us – just all part of their delusion and ABUSE. If you don’t react, that upsets them, too AND they lose their POWER over you. Remember, ultimately, there is no winning with them AT ALL while you stay engaged with them in a relationship OF ANY SORT. You CAN win by NOT giving a Narcissist the reaction he/she wants, disengaging, and if you can do it (AND YOU SHOULD) ending the relationship so you can recover your soul, self-esteem, worth and life. Maintaining any level of hyper-vigilance and behavioral maintenance or trying to fix them or the situation, helping them in some way, etc., is just too emotionally, physically and psychologically exhausting and DESTRUCTIVE with a Narcissist or basically impossible. So here are some thoughts on how to disengage, move on, recover, be free, enjoy your life, and be able to move forward and join reality once more.
So let’s start by using one of the Narcissist’s tools – and that is DEVALUING. It is our turn to devalue the Narcissist and hold them accountable for EVERYTHING they have done – and our devaluation isn’t done in a manner to abuse as a Narcissist does to their targets/victims – it is exposing the truth about what they did and what they are. Accountability has to go back to DAY ONE – and what a great deal to accomplish since their abuse spans the entire relationship from the first day they sized us up for abuse – but it is the truth and the reality WE MUST ACCEPT. A little caution by holding them accountable you may get some major strikes from the Narcissist with raging, yelling, hideous insults, accusations, etc., things you are probably already familiar with! The Narcissist won’t admit you are right, nor accept responsibility for their abusive behaviors, lies, and distortions. You also won’t get the validation, vindication, or closure you long for, BUT it puts the truth foremost and that truth will build a great wall that will stand between you and the Narcissist. That wall empowers you and protects you from the Narcissist trying to pull you back into more abuse. The truth WILL light your way to recovery and freedom!
Don’t start a huge argument with them ever – like an all-out yelling match. Don’t get in the Narcissist’s face the way he/she gets or got in yours. IF and when you find yourself engaged in one of their atrocious or chaotic arguments – calmly and clearly bring it all back to the real facts and turn it back onto them AND leave it there. Commit to simple and realistic phrases like these and even memorize them – “That’s not true.” “I won’t admit that’s true no matter how angry you get.” “That’s not how I remember it, THIS is what really happened.” The Narcissist will probably continue to talk or shout over you, change their story as they continue yapping their psychopathy at you AND in your face. The Narcissist will deny things ever happened and/or call you a liar, but that still doesn’t change the facts of their behaviors and events. By changing your thoughts and approach you are in command of your reality and those chaotic emotions they try to stir up. The TRUTH is like putting a mirror in front of a vampire and revealing that THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REFLECTION OF A REAL IMAGE. That is what happens when the truth is exposed – we realize that their image was fake, a big lie, and all part of a plan to extort and harm us with their well-rehearsed cycle of abuse. DISENGAGE and set yourself free – you are not a prisoner!
If you can’t achieve no-contact, because of children or whatever reason prevents you from getting there, remember this – CHOOSE your battles very wisely. You can’t respond to everything the Narcissist says, does or demands. You just can’t because that is and always has been part of their game plan – and now you get it finally, so disengage from it – PLUS there aren’t enough hours in the day to listen to the Narcissist’s crazy making and chaos. Figure out your bottom line as it concerns necessary contact with them. Make some concessions on small issues to allow the Narcissist to feel like their “winning” and stick to your guns on the big and real issues that have an effect on your normality. This will help to preserve your sanity. Embrace – better yet grasp onto your OWN reality and hold onto it for dear life and DON’T LET GO because that Narcissist is trying to drag you back into their darkness, control you and abuse you.
Contain any and all emotions. Whatever you do, DON’T ask a Narcissist to explain their feelings because they HAVE NONE – all you do with any question is give them direction on how to manipulate the situation AND you will only get more lies, diversions, more betrayal and whatever else they can pull out of their bag of tricks to reel you back into abuse. DON’T express your emotions EVER, because it will become another trap. If you tell that shrewd Narcissist what you’re thinking and feeling, it will be held and used against you now and in the future. Remember they will want to accuse you of many negative things to gain control of your emotions especially when they start realizing you mean business and are moving on – don’t give them any more fuel to devalue you OR use against you OR for their “smear campaign.”
Narcissists can’t handle their own intense emotions that is why they are buried deep inside of them and basically destroyed – all that is there is one big void – so they do not want to deal with the emotions of others nor do they even understand them. That’s why they are human PROJECTION machines – or this phrase that I have heard used by other writers – Narcissist’s react with a vile assault of “emotional projectile vomiting.” It is all of those familiar feelings like anxiety, fear, self-doubt, worthlessness, self-loathing, anger, etc. – that we have all experienced and been conditioned into accepting many times. You become the receptacle for their emotional projectile vomiting with one of their rages that is aimed directly at your spirt and self-esteem. After they deposit the contents of their highly disturbed psyche onto you (that is the clinical projection thing) then they feel better because you are now carrying THEIR toxicity for them.
So when the Narcissist starts projecting, again, don’t ever discuss their feelings—because that’s a bottomless pit—and don’t tell the Narcissist how bad he/she is making you feel because like a shark smelling blood from their prey, it will then compel the shark AND THE NARCISSIST to attack you again (that’s in addition to their initial attack). Keep everything as generic as possible.
The long and short of it is that you must DETACH FROM THE OUTCOME. You can’t control the Narcissist nor can you make them change. All you can do is make choices for yourself, decide how much you can tolerate, set boundaries, and decide when enough is enough and end the relationship. You cannot be their emotional prisoner because it is NOT a viable or workable situation. Any connection with them is smothering, manipulative, controlling, disabling, dehumanizing, traumatizing, and destructive. So LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS or completely shut them off with your Narcissist. Expecting anything real or positive from a Narcissist will only lead you to feel worthless, blamed, shamed, broadsided, perpetually disappointed, and hurt. Run away and never look back if you can.
For all their FAKE crocodile tears and hyper-sensitivity ALWAYS remember that Narcissists are emotional predators and bullies so what you are seeing is just more of those FAKE responses to elicit a response from you and divert from reality ONCE AGAIN. If you stay in a relationship with a Narcissist the best you can expect is more of the same. You may achieve some periods of peace, but at what cost – total denial of the truth and more ABUSE. There is nothing there for you, not even a real person.
What will become powerful and long-lasting is the desire and implementation of no/minimal contact and your total emotional FREEDOM as well as your sanity from an abusive Narcissist. There is such a repulsion and indignity you will feel because now you know the truth of someone abusing you in a manner to make you believe that they are/were acting out of love and a commitment to you and possibly even a family you created together. It is grotesque to say the least to KNOW their con and big lie. Finally, you are beginning to see the soulless and predatory creature that would damage your life or anybody’s life (even their own biological children) in an effort to fulfill all of their needs in the perverse and out-of-control manner that they live. If you remain resolved and steadfast in your “no/minimal contact” the temptation to listen and believe the Narcissist definitely lessens and diminishes in time. THEN, in its place grows a new way of processing the abuse and your past with the Narcissist that will no longer allow this disordered person to dictate the terms of your inner and outer life. Now you have a real choice in a way you never had when your mind and emotions were held HOSTAGE while being expertly and methodically psychologically terrorized – or ABUSED if you will. No/minimal contact to find your way back to life. Greg
The Narcissist is intentionally distorting and debilitating your reality through extreme manipulation so that you will become isolated and dependent on them as the center of your universe – it is called emotional and psychological abuse AND control!
A Narcissist needs to project so many things at and ‘into’ their target to feel empowered and real, as well as deny their own darkness and destructive ways by transferring and dumping everything and anything toxic onto the target/victim. It is a tangled mess for the victim/target to discern reality from all of these mechanisms that are in place for the Narcissist to succeed at doing what they are doing – ABUSING TO GET SUPPLY!
At any given moment there are lies to cover the their delusional truths, manipulation to confound and confuse you, betrayal to hurt what you believe is real, back-stabbing to undermine your integrity, triangulation to destroy your immediate circle of friends and family, love-bombing to make you believe the Narcissist is true to you, blame and shame to make you believe you are the destructive force in this relationship, WITHHOLDING to condition you to react as the Narcissist wants you to, raging to make you fearful of your existence, hate to reduce you to feeling anguish, name calling or making fun of you to steal your self-esteem, projection to make you out to be the force behind the destruction, denying you any semblance of your own reality, silencing to invalidate your individualism, punishment to make you accept their way or accept harm as a consequence, smearing to destroy your complete integrity so the Narcissist can escape exposure, AND many more avenues that a disordered Narcissist will travel to abuse their target/victim. We must never allow this to be defined as just a personality disorder and give it credence and acceptability – IT IS A DESTRUCTIVE AND DEBILITATING EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE!
Psychological abuse is a process whereby the abuser conditions or manages the target/victim down through subtle to extreme CONTROL. As I outlined above there are so many tactics that a Narcissist uses to do this so that every aspect of the target/victim’s conscious world is manipulated into dealing with the abuse tactics and this diverts and warps a target/victim’s reality over time and traumatizes them. It becomes a 24/7 or full time job as it concerns the target/victim dealing with so many mind games that are thrown their way. It literally causes their world to fall apart around them.
The conditioning a Narcissist uses changes behaviors and manipulates the victim’s normal reality and transforms it into some form of fear for the target/victim. Fear can be interpreted as many things with emotional and psychological abuse – fear that the target/victim BELIEVES they really have mental health issues, fear of abandonment, fear of punishment, fear of loss, fear of rage, fear of destruction at the hands (or better yet the mouth) of a Narcissist, fear of being harmed, fear of isolation, and fear of not being worthy of love AND life.
This conditioning process ALSO puts the target/victim into a place of trust first where they are joined at the hip with their abuser. Clinically the Narcissist ‘love bombs’ the target/victim literally to death to create this strong emotional bond so they can easily achieve their agenda to pillage, extort and destroy their target/victim’s reality, mind, and soul. It conditions the target/victim to value the Narcissist above themselves because the Narcissist successfully managed the target/victim down so they DON’T value themselves anymore. It is a constant barrage of a combination of manipulative and negative actions as well as the LACK of positive and supportive actions. It is also punishing the victim through silencing, raging, ignoring, criticizing, and forcing them into complete compliance. The target/victim is forced to only consider what the Narcissist needs are, and the Narcissist NEVER considers a single need of the target/victim.
The Narcissist disallows individualism in favor of this complete compliance and adoration of themselves. Failure to do so will only lead to stronger attacks of anger or rage to comply or else. There is no reward for meeting the Narcissist’s needs because they will demand more and more. The target/victim is drained of their self-esteem, worth, and reality and the Narcissist will only go in for the kill with more dehumanizing, destruction and ‘smearing’ their target/victim and then abandoning them and moving on to abuse another.
With all of this in mind is there anything that is as equally insidious as far as what this abuse does to a good, loving, caring, and moral person that lives with empathy at the core of their reality. NO and I say it again as a survivor of this abuse that has lived within this destructive lifestyle and lived with what was a battle to regain my integrity and life back. This is not a simple matter of going into recovery, it is like learning to walk again, seeing the goodness once more that does exist in life, learning to trust people, rebuilding yourself financially, and basically starting over after being infected by a contagious, destructive, and personality disordered Narcissist.
The Narcissist will always manage EVERYBODY down and condition us to believe that their every action/word (abuse) is a reality that we must accept because we don’t deserve any better. A Narcissist wants your reality, your goodness, and basically your life and to completely accept them as ‘perfect’ or jump ship and drown without them.
A Narcissist will use ANYTHING to convince you that you are seriously damaged. Alternatively, a Narcissist will even use chaotic backdoor psychology on you, or strong and FAKE religious beliefs, or a false consensus from friends, or family about your instability, even from your co-workers, etc. to justify their lies and inexcusable behaviors concerning you. For example, saying things like – ‘I pray for your healing daily,’ or ‘you have issues that you need to address with a therapist,’ or ‘my therapist agrees with me about your actions,’ or ‘my mother agrees with me and understood what I did because of the way YOU treated me’ (this concerned an affair my Narcissist had), or the basic hit and run comment ‘I am right and you are wrong’ and then just walking away! These are nothing more than tactics for deflecting responsibility and reinforcing them with ill placed and FALSE comments from other people that aren’t even involved. A Narcissist rarely, if ever, admits they are wrong unless it is to zap you with a hidden insult. For example, ‘I am sorry for thinking you were a kind, caring, loving, and generous person’- I see that I was probably wrong about you.”
A Narcissist rarely if ever takes responsibility for their hurtful actions. If you call them out on their bad behaviors, they claim it was your fault for pushing them into it (in other words, you deserved it) and you’re a bad person to make a good person like them (the Narcissist) act that way – they will even say that nobody has EVER treated them like you have. You should be ashamed of yourself! I was continually blamed for my Narcissist’s horrid and raging temper with comments that I pushed the Narcissist to act this way. No, I was a great, caring and giving person. Everything I was accused of were only delusional and fake accusations of things I was supposedly doing that would come out of thin air to start an argumentative situation with toxic drama, silencing, and betrayal as my punishment, OR managing down to control me and make me feel constantly confused and worthless. This is their modus operandi or mode of operation. No/minimal contact to stop the madness and end the abuse! Greg
All emotions aside – we must understand that we are nothing more or nothing less than an object to a Narcissist!
You can’t engage in any conversation with a Narcissist that has the truth (about them) as the basis concerning their accountability in any given situation. A Narcissist doesn’t have a conscience or anything even near to it, so you can’t expect to have any sense of normality surrounding ANY conversation with them, yet alone the possibility you could make them understand the very truth about any of their disordered actions and lies. There is NO sense of remorse or any guilt associated with any of their actions and THERE NEVER HAS BEEN! So what I can say is that you can’t enter into any arena that involves TRYING to get them to accept accountability because they turn it right around, ‘lie and deny,’ ‘blame and shame,’ and then return with a horrible rage and revenge directed at YOUR integrity – or let’s just say the DEFLECT. This became a day to day occurrence with me, I couldn’t even breathe right without some sort of rage that was so out-of-control that it became scary. So a good reminder to anyone dealing with a Narcissist in the ‘here and now’ is that there is NO possible way that you can make them understand or accept responsibility concerning their dehumanization of people – especially when it concerns you – it will only enrage them more and they will lash out at you more – it is a NO WIN SITUATION with a Narcissist!
Unfortunately, as I have said many times before, hindsight is 20/20. When you are still in the fog about all of the deceit you are at a loss! You can’t see or understand the overall picture of this abuse and just how disordered they are until AFTER they have moved on and the fog you are in starts to clear. Immediately after the discard you are still under so many levels of this abuse that it is amazing that you can see the light of day, yet alone realize what you need to do to get away from them and all of the damage they have actually caused. What I can say is that ‘no contact’ will save you from a great deal of grief and help you get to more and real clarity as it concerns your situation so you can move forward to recovery!
No contact literally saves your life and enables to move onto clarity (and the truth) as far as it concerns your emotions AND their abusive manner that was meant to destroy you. No contact is not meant to be a simple phrase as if someone is telling you to “just move on,” it is a reality meant to stop the insanity or you will end up debilitated and destroyed. To those that have to stay in contact, minimum contact is your only hope. If you have biological children or they are family, you HAVE to disengage from ANY emotional connection with them. In other words you have to put up a wall that only allows you to establish parameters around important matters, and shut off anything else. Easier said than done because the Narcissist means business when it comes to getting back at you especially if they suspect that you are on to them. Mine kept up the abuse for 8 months after all was said and done and it only ended when I COMPLETELY enforced the no contact rule and THEN I was able to move forward with clarity and the truth..
My next suggestion is to try your hardest to seek support from a very select group of friends and loved ones that YOU CAN ultimately trust. We are ‘damned if we do or damned if we don’t’ respond to the many negative allegations that this Narcissist has waged against us to some of the very closet people in our lives, but those that really care and know you WILL be there for you. The Narcissist will distort everything using familiarity (from knowing our innermost secrets) with vicious lies about you to protect themselves from exposure and instill fear into us. Once a Narcissist sees that you have caught onto them they will focus on destroying you. They will stop at nothing to prove that you are the source of the collapse of this relationship, a liar, loser, abusive, the person having affairs, etc., and basically the person who deserves all the blame. Along the same lines trying to explain your side of the story to people will make you seem crazy because our stories are incredulous! You will only feel invalidated and frustrated trying to tell the truth over and over again and hearing those dismissing comments to just move on because time heals all! You need tried and true friends to accomplish a secure and trusted support network. Your best bet is to find and connect with other survivors, a therapist that understands this abuse THROUGH a target/victim’s eyes, and group therapy if one exists in your area. Invest in yourself to get the help that is out there so you CAN and WILL move on and away from them forever!
When this abuse reaches the point that you have been abandoned or ‘you’ have left this Narcissist the truth will be very disabling and will tear at the very core of your spirit or being. Again add to this that the Narcissist is well aware that you may retaliate, so he/she has been planning their departure many months prior to it happening and they have been doing damage control by secretly devaluing you to most anyone that will listen! You are overloaded with emotions, and all of the lies that were spread about you by the Narcissist becomes overwhelming and DEBILITATING so be prepared in a manner that you know you will experience some very rough times but keep moving forward to your recovery because THAT is what is most important! EVENTUALLY the truth will always come out, but you can’t force awareness of that truth until it happens and people will see the true pattern AND then it will work against the Narcissist. Liars have to have PERFECT memories and recall to keep their lies straight and Narcissists always operate in a hit and run manner and get caught up in their distorted stories and they can never keep all of their lies straight – mine most certainly couldn’t! I wish I could say that you can speak openly with the truth as you know it and that will fix all of this immediately, BUT it doesn’t work that way. You have to concentrate on your recovery first and let the rest fall in place – YOU ARE FIRST in this equation. Once you are healthy you can speak with the very truth of your abuse in mind where it is necessary.
OK, so now getting to the point where we can attempt to wrap our head around all of this and start on a road to recovery! So where do we start because there are so many levels of this abuse. First we have to deal with the truth about our situation. That seems like a monumental act in itself because the whole relationship was built on LIES so what is the truth! Introspection is first and again why no contact is imperative to get this clarity without distraction from MORE chaos and abuse.
Yes, it was all one big lie and the person you cared about, and more than likely loved never existed within the realm of what you believed was a real relationship! Furthermore, the declarations of love were a tactic (love bombing) and just part of their disordered manipulation to gain control of you and your emotions. It is very, very hard to internalize that the love you believed in was just a lie! Their whole life is a lie and every person that has ever had any sort of relationship with them succumbs to this. They will wear a different disguise to lure in a new target/victim, solely and dependent on the particular person or the situation. It is a cycle that they use to abuse every new target into their agenda. So what is the most difficult part of getting started on your journey to recovery? Letting go of those images, the ones that have accumulated in your heart and mind that made you BELIEVE that this was real from all those years you were with this Narcissist! There is/was no relationship nor was there any love reciprocated from this Narcissist. Keep this in mind every day on your journey to reach complete recovery. All of that was a trap set just for you AND to gain your trust and open you up to this Narcissist’s abuse. Remember you believed in this person for a very long time so recovery is not going to happen overnight and it is going to be confusing and painful. You will probably doubt yourself many times over and try to go back and fix this, but don’t because you can’t fix a personality disordered Narcissist. They will only trick you and drag you back into the abuse as often as you allow them to – believe me I made this mistake a few times and paid for it!
Because Narcissists do not come with a label that exposes what they are and their agenda, you are more than likely just coming to terms with all of this recently. Our emotions are powerful and even though we have been abused we have to reconcile our very own emotions to fall out of love with them. This is where the educational aspect of learning about this personality disorder is imperative to moving forward. Closure comes from learning the truth through educating yourself about this disorder. With me I stumbled upon the information and the pieces seemed to fit together like a puzzle. From there I also stumbled upon different healing sites that offered viable AND valuable information that gave me the big ‘ah ha’ moment that what I experienced was actually abuse from a malignant Narcissist. I went through the paces of doubting myself and kept in contact with this Narcissist for 8 months after the fact. Mind you I didn’t initiate all of this contact. This Narcissist was luring me into post abuse, trying to set me up and into their big smear campaign, using any and every conversation to gain information and use against me. This shrewd creature was manipulating my words to meet certain criteria and an agenda that would make me out as being obsessed and scorned. My point is that they are dangerous especially when they have moved on to new supply and they will do whatever to take you down and protect their NEW ‘catch’ from learning the truth about WHAT THEY ARE – or an abuser.
Narcissists definitely operate out of their fear of being exposed ESPECIALLY the truth about their perverse and disordered lifestyle. Unfortunately, they NEED us to extract supply, but they can’t keep up their façade forever because they are out-of-control, so they jump from one relationship to another BUT the end result is they always abuse someone. It is the cycle of their abuse and their lifestyle that destroys ALL of their relationships. Narcissists don’t look at themselves in any manner that reflects the reality of just how sick they are UNLESS they are forced to do so by being exposed and THEY AVOID THAT LIKE THE PLAGUE. They can’t face themselves because what it would reveal would cause them to implode and that is their greatest fear – the very truth of what they are. At least I can say I was definitely a force to be reconciled with as it concerned my Narcissist. Today I can write with the clarity I was afforded by going no contact and seeing the truth reveal itself. You must start this journey with no/minimal contact! Greg