From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
There are many ways that a Narcissist will confound or confuse your thought processes, isolate you, and hold you prisoner without that Narcissist even being in your presence. The Narcissist creates negative messages that trap us in our own heads. Be it raging, accusing, silencing, and distancing themselves from you for days, or whatever chaos they decide to throw your way. All of these methods are hideous forms of abuse to debilitate you/us and make us conform to their rules. They bait us with an argument or accusations, this escalates usually with the Narcissist taking it to a higher level of dysfunction, we are left dumbfounded with their hit and run message, and then they go into the punishment mode by running off or silencing us – we are left in shock or traumatized by the nonsense. LASTLY we are isolated and left to our own devices especially when we try to rationalize any of this with our own mind.
I was continually accused of being unfaithful (which I was not,) and out of the blue my Narcissist would throw these accusations out at me. “I know you are on every dating/sex site looking to hook up!” “I ran into a friend when I was out and they told me that they KNOW it is you!” Then ‘BAM’ the Narcissist judge sentenced me to 3 days of isolation, confinement, and silencing! The argument escalated without knowing the name of the so called witness, proof, or the ability for me to speak. I knew the truth as far as it concerned me, but I also knew that when one of these scenarios would arise that my Narcissist was totally irrational and whatever I said or did would only amount to an attack of rage. I was CONDITIONED to accept these insane bouts of accusations and rage as a part of my relationship. What was my rationale in this, or why did I allow the accusations? Well because I couldn’t escape the accusations or the argument or maybe it was temporary insanity from the chaos and crazy making from the abuse? Yes, I also thought my Narcissist was insane at times, but I wanted these behaviors to stop and somehow work through these things so we could get things back on track again. I was the insane one for buying into all of it and trying to apply some sort of rationale to ANY OF IT!
Basically it was my Narcissist baiting me to create all of this as well as to divert and isolate my thoughts around this ploy AND purely PROJECTION – they call this game ‘bait and switch!’. In my mind I believed that my Narcissist ACTUALLY believed this and somehow I had to prove it wasn’t true. That is just monkey crazy now that I look back on it. But in my mind I justified all of this because I believed in something – the relationship. But I didn’t see the real direction and that this was the devaluation stage or basically the cycle of this ABUSE. Like the saying goes, “I was blinded by the light” or better yet the darkness and I wasn’t seeing what was really surrounding me. Slowly but surely I was devalued to a place that these arguments became common ground and I had to prove my worthiness. I never realized it was a diversion for this Narcissist to gain some freedom to secure other forms of supply. So wham, I was tricked into this diversionary tactic, left in silence to sort this all out, and managed down a little more to accept the abuse. THIS became my normal in this relationship and they are shrewd with their tactics! Remember that this is a personality disordered person that is intentionally manipulating your emotions with cruel psychological manipulation that is meant to confuse and disable your thoughts.
The Narcissist’s actions are meant to leave us in a very confused and vulnerable state, one that makes us challenge our own mind and reality and then pull us further into the abuse. You/we throw reality, our intuition, and everything that we know to be true right out the window. Your persona has been eroded by the many mixed messages and confusion that a Narcissist creates and has created (in the past) with so many other situations just like this. A Narcissist sets this all in motion with purpose and intent. The confusion keeps you frozen in time, vulnerable and blind to the reality that they are managing you down. This is the method to their madness to keep you/us right there with these distorted messages while they are away securing other supply, betraying you, or just using their damaging control on you/us or whatever they have going on. You are left isolated and attacking your own reality through their words and actions. They start the abuse and you finish it by going through the motions of blaming yourself and trying to make sense out of this darkness they left you in. REMEMBER the Narcissist preceded this horrendous managing down (devaluation) with their ‘love bombing.’ In the beginning we saw it (and still see it) as a viable relationship, but in fact it was part of their agenda to gain our trust first, then objectify us to harvest supply. An object just needs to be what it is, and serve a purpose and if it doesn’t function in this capacity, it is replaced. We aren’t objects so we have to be managed down to become one to serve our purpose for a Narcissist!
Just consider any confrontation (and this is what the Narcissist employs as a tactic) and how we are stressed out when someone in the normal realm attacks us blindly. Perhaps again in the normal world a friend, coworker, or family member, confronts you in a ‘hit and run’ fashion where there is no resolution or closure and you are left dumfounded trying to seek relevancy on your own – it is traumatizing. With a Narcissist these ‘hit and run’ attacks are consistent and administered regularly and part of their plan. Add the component of your emotions that you more than likely love this person and the situation becomes debilitating because you are bending your emotions to the point of breaking to resolve all of these conflicts. Over time we just end up complying by remaining silent because we know that if we challenge the Narcissist it will only intensify the situation and THAT is our huge mistake. This is what we call walking on eggshells or conforming to their crazy making. To me it was more like walking on broken glass!
Believe me when that Narcissist is off and you are left isolated they are doing what they want to do and they diverted your thoughts to get you to this place of total confusion and anxiety! You are left HAVING to deal with or concentrate on the distorted event without any resolve because there is no resolve to one of these delusional ‘hit and run’ attacks. More than likely they are out there betraying you in some form or fashion, otherwise they would be right there with you provoking more of their crazy making or throwing you a little positive bone to keep you connected. It is an opportunity for the Narcissist to flex their emotional and psychological muscles to control you and manage you down.
On one side of the spectrum there is us believing that there is relevance and reality to the relationship. On the other side is the Narcissist that doesn’t have ANY connection to us emotionally and our relevance is nothing more than that of an object that serves them. To take this a step further we are their 24/7 supply BUT they are securing supply every opportunity that they can and sometimes they need to create space for their freedom. Nobody in the Narcissist’s world has any more relevance than the other. This is the huge con, the one that keeps us connected to them at the hip – and it is a “funny thing called love” to us!
Once the Narcissist plants the diversion seed in your mind you tender it, fertilize it, and allow it to grow. They purposely want to isolate you with their distortions to disable you. Without resolution or their presence, you are only in a debate with yourself. With their distancing and silence, you end up believing that their lack of contact is proof positive that what they have said is real to them and somehow you ARE the problem and you must sort this out with so many distorted thoughts of your own to bring about some sort of reconciliation. They will go as far as adding more insult to your injury if you should attempt to contact them by flatly refusing to give in. They may embellish the situation even more by posting something on a social site as if they are enjoying a great day or perhaps even being with someone you may not even know. It is not unusual for you to look at their social site page because you are in a relationship with them. But once there you see some of the craziest posts, pictures, likes, etc., that are meant to confound you more and reinforce their crazy making. You are now deeper into this and your goal is to fix it at all costs because now it seems to be threatening the relationship completely. You have been completely managed down and believing that YOU ARE THE PROBLEM even when there is no basis or truth to it! Narcissistic terrorism (psychological and emotional abuse) to control you completely! What I was trying to explain is that the Narcissist uses control and fear to a point that you throw normal logic out the window to try to find a cohesive resolution and the Narcissist takes you through MANY steps to get you where you are today with this disabling abuse.
They are only fueling the abuse with their subtle actions and of course the isolation period. Basically they are leaving you alone with your thoughts that they have directed to manage you down, which only amounts to making you feel silenced, punished, vulnerable and paranoid. They made this real with their OVERT power of negative suggestion that baits you or puts you in a place of blame and worthlessness. You are always being accused or made to feel wrong for everything, none of which is real. You will keep cycling through the events looking for answers where there are none. You will try to relate to every other similar argument or situation and only end up blaming yourself more and more. You will reject your own common sense concerning this and label yourself in many different ways that make you blame yourself because the Narcissist has manipulated you to believe it is YOU that is the problem. Whatever the argument that led up to this you were managed down so many times before to believe that you and your thoughts are distorted – so you believe this.
They are subtle with their words that shift blame onto you but they are powerful enough to set this all in motion. They have consistently repeated this scenario with you so many times that the message is firmly planted in your subconscious and it always plays back to you with each and every new argument and it now becomes anxiety that turns into fear. That anxiety becomes imprinted in your mind. You haven’t resolved any of these situations and now there are layers upon layers of these messages that shout out to your conscious way of thinking. EVERYTHING is your fault and you must change!
What do you change because everything is born out of their rage and accusations that have no reality, but something is wrong, SO IT MUST BE YOU! In reality you know it isn’t you but SOMETHING is causing the Narcissists to react with all of this disdain. It is your reality now to resolve this and that is what you do by jumping through so many hoops and allowing the dysfunction to FUNCTION. They are out and about without a worry and they are not contacting you and why? They just don’t give a “poo,” but they will be back in a few days full of love and apologies. You know the routine so you will allow this one more time, and one more time after this, and pretty soon you have conditioned yourself to allow this throughout the whole relationship! You just want to get to the part where they say they love you and everything is OK again. BUT IT ISN’T!
Once we educate ourselves to see what the real motive is and how we actualize the blame because we want resolution to end the anxiety and fear, then we finally add the element of truth or reality as it concerns an abusive relationship with a Narcissist. It is these small steps that take you down the road of recovery and releasing from the blame they shoved into your head AND desensitizing the MANY disabling messages that brought you down to the point of feeling so worthless. Education AND no/minimal contact is the only way to realize the truth that this is situational abuse AND NOT YOU as in having anything wrong with you personally! The truth releases you, and then and only then you can leave that Narcissist behind or DISCARD them and start healing! Greg
There are NO ADEQUATE words to describe the feeling of what this abuse does to a good, sane, and loving person of empathy.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
You have been abused. You are a target/victim of abuse. You were systematically targeted, betrayed, and deceived by a disordered human being with a false mask of reality. A person manipulated you into liking them, getting to know them, trusting them and loving them. It was as real to you as it would have been to ANY OTHER human being that started out on a relationship journey. The experience of meeting somebody special and going through the process of dating and creating this relationship WAS NO DIFFERENT than what any other person would experience. BUT IT WAS DIFFERENT because you were being set up for abuse AND the relationship wasn’t REAL in the least bit, not even in the smallest way. It was all lies, a con job, manipulation, and a hideous betrayal.
It was pathological in such an extreme manner that it is just impossible to understand how another human being could be so cruel and abhorrent to lead a basically good, caring, and loving person down a road of psychological abuse that essentially could destroy or damage them for life. This is a feeling that nobody could ever understand – there are NO ADEQUATE words to describe the feeling of what this abuse does to a good, sane, and loving person of empathy. To understand the time that is lost, the EXTREME betrayal, and the experience of feeling worthless AND punished for no other reason than the fact that you were at the wrong place at the WRONG time and chosen by a predator to be their next victim of abuse. It is incomprehensible and takes so much self-reflection, strength, courage, love, and validation and a new journey that we must embark upon to fix ourselves now. Sometimes it doesn’t happen because many targets/victims do not even understand that they have been abused and they are convinced that they were to blame and have issues concerning their mental health because the abuse was PYSCHOLOGICAL RAPE and MEANT to make them feel crazy or even insane. They were intentionally led down this road by a malignant Narcissist and the ABUSE has disabled their healthy mental acuity so they also believe they ARE AT FAULT and live in that confusion and fog forever and NEVER recovering fully!
SAY NEVER! We never, never, never deserved this and most assuredly NEVER, EVER asked for this because of WHO we are. We wonder where our prince/princess charming has gone and WHAT HAS HAPPENED that made this go so wrong because now they are more like Dr. Jekyll and Mr./Ms. Hyde. Well the time has come that we HAVE to move forward and learn about these predators. We have ONE DIRECTION to go and that is forward and now it is time for some education about this abuse. We could only have wished we had known that this was abuse prior to this destructive experience – but how could we have known that this really existed and that there are predators out there like a psychologically abusive Narcissist.
Time to EDUCATE and LIBERATE yourself! Your knowledge will be your success in your start to recovery. Initially it will break the chain of this abuse and the chaos as well as that thinking that we can help them, cure them, use our ‘love’, fix and reverse this, change, plead, bargain or negotiate with this abuser. We quickly realize it is impossible and how the abuser wants us to react to keep us chained up in the chaos of this abuse. We will finally comprehend they have a problem we can’t possibly fix. Malignant Narcissists are masters at their game AND targeting our caring/nurturing instinct as well as capturing us through their fake ‘love.’ If you’ve been attempting to fix this over and over again, STOP and accept the inevitable failure of these attempts and accept the reality that they are what they are (abusive) and there is only one direction and that is OUT of their disordered world and free from them. We have to fix ourselves and right all the wrongs and return back to a real life and the living again.
Now it is time that we have to ‘be real’ about all of this and do damage control to save ourselves, and even our families, friends, career or basically our whole life from this attack AND yes that is exactly what it is. Just like being in war we must create and build a concrete bunker from this point on to protect ourselves from the enemy.
Their personality traits are so deeply ingrained into the cycles of this abuse that they are totally out of control and beyond ANY HELP WE COULD OFFER. They live a perverse lifestyle and have ridiculously bad judgment as it concerns any other human beings or most everything. Add to this that they just don’t care what they do and hurting others is simply part of the process of getting everything they want. They simply don’t care who they hurt, be it their spouse, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, biological children, friend, co-worker and even their pets.
They are not able to be in a close relationship or any relationship for that matter because there is no constraint in their life as it concerns their delusional and destructive actions toward other people and their out of control behavior in general. THEY JUST DON’T CARE and this IS just the truth we must accept to move on and away from them. They lie and betray to manipulate us into believing that they care so they can use AND abuse every aspect of our lives.
We mourn the loss of reality in our life, along with dreams, memories, time together, small laughs and shared experiences. We mourn the loss of our life as if a part of us was suffocated or died from this hideous abuse. Our emotional scars cause us to doubt and question the truth of this ugly reality. We are merely disposable objects to them, and that is incomprehensible to us.
The Narcissist will most certainly react to the use of personal boundaries (or our resistance to their control) but if we are to succeed and break the cycle of this abuse we have to build an impenetrable fortress to keep them out of our lives and heads forever. Violence is always a possibility with a Narcissist so keep this first and foremost in your mind ALWAYS. Be unyielding in protecting yourself with your personal boundaries as well as with your decisions and expectations. This will go a long way in boosting your self-esteem and ending the abuse because you are taking the control away from the Narcissist and back where it belongs with yourself. Refuse to be a target/victim and don’t be a willing participant in your own abuse by ever conceding to this Narcissist ever again.
There is of course pain in the process of moving on but ‘no pain, no gain.’ That seriously is not the best choice of words, but what it means is that within the truth of understanding this abuse many things will become painfully aware to us, things we can’t even start to imagine, but the ‘pain’ will help us ‘gain’ or achieve a higher plane of awareness that seriously will lift you up closer to your goal of recovery – the truth lights the way. In simpler words – or ‘Greg words’ – when we realize the truth in its entirety the awareness I spoke of becomes a real point of contention with us – to describe it in my own words – I was REPULSED by the truth and THAT pushed me so far forward into my recovery.
The process of ‘leaving and grieving’ is emotionally devastating and lengthy. Remember that there are options out there like professional therapy or join a support group to reinforce the fact that you are not alone in this. You are not JUST a victim in this abusive situation, you were targeted. In other criminal offenses the word premeditated is a word often used to describe an action that was thought out beforehand! Don’t expect other people (no matter how close they are to you) to understand what you have been coping with. Without having their own experiences with disordered partners or Narcissists, they cannot fully understand and they won’t be able to offer the real emotional support you need and yes, it is very disappointing to feel so alone without someone to understand and support you now. Don’t take it personally because you have enough on your plate already and you don’t need to feel abandoned and invalidated any more than what you already are.
Let’s think and talk about your emotions at this point. So I will say what most every other writer says – YOUR EMOTIONS will be on a rollercoaster ride with so many highs and lows. There will be many times when you doubt yourself, and question the reality of this all and WHY you. You can expect good and bad days, obsessive thinking, and thoughts of revenge, anger and serving justice. This is all part of the process of stirring up all the negativity and essentially externalizing or getting rid of it from our bodies and our lives. Keep a journal it is an amazing tool because it requires a commitment on your part to keep active and stay strong and on track to recover – it is also wonderful therapy. Surround yourself with good and normal people that can make you smile and even laugh.
Let’s talk about the relationship with ourselves because we need to be firm with ourselves too. We need to live in the reality of the situation to heal and move forward or stay in this fog forever. We have to ditch that ‘if only’ or need for closure THROUGH any affirmation from this Narcissist, or that obsessive thinking that keeps us hooked wanting to see what’s happening in their lives. We need to accept the necessity to detach and be strong to resist the urge to reconnect with them. Time is our best friend. If we do have to reconnect with this abuser because of obligations – BUSINESS ONLY!
OK so now we’re faced with ourselves and a big YIKES to this. Our self-esteem is crushed, we feel humiliated, and we are starting out on a journey we never expected we would be on. Out of the ashes comes some harsh reality. We may be ashamed to admit our partners were abusive and mentally disordered or Malignant Narcissists, BECAUSE WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT US. We may find we are care givers or nurturers who give and give until it hurt. Maybe we were naïve and vulnerable and easily deceived because we were at a bad time in our life. We may have addictive behaviors or a very high tolerance for bad behavior, maybe overloaded with beautiful empathy. We may learn we were raised in homes we once thought as normal to find we were preconditioned to accepting bizarre or even addictive behaviors, or we look the other way because we grew up always looking the other way. We may find we have our own minor personality defects or issues THAT WE CAN CHANGE OR FIX.
As we learn about this abuse we will learn a lot about ourselves too. OK so ‘it is what it is’ and now we must move forward by first understanding that no matter what the situation is about us personally NOBODY deserves to be abused and never and I mean NEVER blame yourself for this abuse. This self-reflection is a new opportunity to grow by understanding the process of abuse and by no means a reason or justification for the abuse you experienced. Let it be a guide to help you grow from this terrible experience, and use it as part of the education to create a process to make yourself whole again and strong. Remember if you blame yourself or accept some theory that says you are responsible for this, you are only blaming yourself like the Narcissist did and essentially abusing yourself by saying that you are an unhealthy person and have always been that way and deserved this. Get healthy first – and with a healthy mind you will make the necessary changes and create the healthy boundaries you need.
Wow here is something we must also consider. We are now the lucky recipients of some rare first-hand knowledge of these shape shifters, or flesh and blood human impersonators. We all know that there is no such thing as bad knowledge. Down the road, we do emerge from this experience a lot smarter, more self-aware, and with new and strong boundaries. Be good to yourself and surround yourself with those GOOD people who deserve your special talents, abilities and love. There is a wonderful world waiting out there BUT we have to remember that life is not always about a prince/princess charming being the center of our universe. That is a fable to understand what love could be and it can be – but don’t forget that there are also the fables and stories out there about the monsters that ALSO could be or can be out there too. When you become strong and whole again you will adapt to a life that is somewhere in between the fairy tales and monster stories because a healthy you is the key to life.
What will become one of the strongest esteem building tools in OUR arsenal is the power that comes from removing ourselves from the abuse because “we get it” and we become empowered by the truth and we now create something called ‘healthy silence.’ This healthy silence is called NO CONTACT born out of the NEED to escape the constant chaos as well as separate and distance ourselves physically, emotionally and verbally from a disordered and dangerous Narcissist. Time and distance have a wonderful way of bringing clarity to the situation and the fastest way to heal. These abusers will leave us in the most emotionally crushing way they can because this is what they do! They choose the perfect timing and they inflict great emotional devastation, and they also enjoy doing it. They take what is near and dear to us and crush it as they casually walk away. In time we realize the relationship was doomed to failure, but we didn’t realize that until now or when it was too late and the damage has been inflicted on our emotional well-being! We will undergo many changes in our ways of thinking about our situations and life in general and a very painful change of our expectations. Basically we have experienced the nearest thing to darkness that we will ever have the unfortunate and hideous opportunity to ever experience again. You deserve so much more because of the amazing person you really are so find the road back to recognizing those great qualities again so you can rejoin life. Start with No/Minimal contact always. Greg
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Narcissists use an arsenal of tools to debase, dehumanize, malign, and eventually destroy a person’s self-esteem, and overall spirit – this is psychological abuse pure and simple and they are ABUSERS. BUT beyond this truth is the reality that there are many targets/victims that have to deal with the destruction caused by a malignant Narcissist without having realized what is OR has happened to them. These targets/victims are not just wives, husbands, partners, but also biological children, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers and any other human being in every walk of life!
A Narcissist will employ cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse and shrewd manipulative linguistic or language patterns to CONTROL people around them and force them to question their own sanity. Narcissists will also smear their target/victim’s good nature/name behind their back destroying their integrity to others (friends, family, co-workers) so they will also start questioning the sanity of the target/victim. It is like a game of “power and control” through the use of these various methods so that the Narcissist is always in charge of their environment and controlling every aspect of it with lies, false appearances, coning people, etc. Narcissists have everybody around them fooled by their charm that hides their true pathological self and they are DANGEROUS to people!
When communicating, discussing, debating, or arguing with a Narcissist, a target/victim usually finds themselves at a COMPLETE dead-end. The target/victim’s logic always becomes incompatible with that of the Narcissist and they always get outwitted and then steered in the opposite direction from the original topic, especially if it is around questioning them (the Narcissist) or accountability as it concerns the Narcissist. Basically communicating with them is like walking through a “House of Mirrors” at a carnival. Every thought you express is distorted in so many different ways that you don’t even recognize the original thought and it causes complete confusion– just like the many mirrors that are created to distort your image and make you lose track of your original starting point and destination.
If you say the sky is blue the Narcissist will somehow negate the possibility of it being blue to make you wrong. The Narcissist may even hint that you have certain psychological issues concerning your thoughts about the sky being blue. The Narcissist will even back it up with concerns that your friends, family, or associates have over your “wild allegations” of the sky being BLUE. Then the Narcissist will accuse you of having an affair and using your story of the “blue sky” as a diversion tactic to trick THEM. Finally, that Narcissist will employ punishment and the silent treatment because of your argumentative views, lies and betrayal concerning your “blue sky” story. The Narcissist then runs out to find a little extra supply on the side to betray you since they now have some “free time” after the chaotic and wild “blue sky” story. After a day or so they come back and tell you that IN FACT the sky is blue as if the issue over the blue sky never even came up at all, and you may even get flowers, or dinner, BUT you end up paying for it as usual! OH – and they will tell you that they were taking care of a sick relative and that is why you didn’t hear from them for that day or so that they disappeared. Do we call this denial on the Narcissist’s part that they are just this delusional or are they just denying us access to them using all of these “crazy and chaotic” diversions that deflect us away from the truth about them so they can get away with everything and anything? I believe it is all deflection and diversions!
The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication to divert reality and cause chaos so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is at the moment. This agenda is many things, but basically it is to secure supply, from us or from whoever else is willing to give them supply. It took me a while to understand just how this worked, as well as how my Narcissist would divert from every aspect of their life/lifestyle AND everything was always a mystery as far as the past and present. Let me put it this way, everything was MEANT to be kept this way so I would never learn the truth about this Narcissist’s abusive past, out-of-control lifestyle, as well as a very perverted lifestyle. Any time I would speak to this Narcissist’s mother I would find out about something that this Narcissist had lied about AND I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK because the truth just always seemed to come out on its own. So you can imagine just how much this Narcissist was lying, re-writing history and every other little diabolical action. I was always kept at a distance from the Narcissist’s family, but of course told that I never made an attempt to get to know them. So in a nutshell this is how they use diversion to keep us separated from the truth and the many lies they are hiding.
Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how WE are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask. Beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live and we SUPPORT just by believing in them.
How does a simple question concerning accountability turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are and they HAVE to protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade – BUT they have done incredulous things to betray and harm people!
Beneath that thin mask the Narcissist wears is the reality of their pathological self PLUS their WHOLE past of victims/targets they have abused and a raging temper that is like a volcano that can erupt at any given moment. YES, they are aware of their actions because they use lie after lie to cover up their abuse. Like a child that stole a piece of candy and lies about it to avoid being punished – so does the Narcissist at a monumental level. Remember their past is always following them and should they ever stop for a moment it will catch up with them and completely consume them because they are abusers that have damaged many people’s lives – even their own family. When the going gets tough the Narcissist gets going so they are off and running to new supply ALWAYS surrounding themselves with a protective circle of new targets/victims, NEW LIES, as well as a new and WONDEROUS life to shore up their disordered life AGAIN. This equation ALWAYS includes the demise/destruction of the previous source of supply and the “believers” that support the delusional Narcissist! Thus the cycle of abuse that defines them as emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.
A Narcissist will also create vivid situations where they start a conversation off with an agenda in mind – one to create a smokescreen or diversion of some sort. They confuse the target/victim with chaos to perhaps divert a situation into an argument to be able to sneak out and secure some supply they acquired on the side, or just to debase a target/victim and keep them walking on eggshells or to cause constant anxiety to keep them CONDITIONED and a slave to their pathology. This is like being a POW or prisoner of war to the Narcissist – torture and all! This is what they do because what lives inside of them is such a disordered personality that if we were to even have a small glimpse of what they really are I believe we would be shocked even more by the reality of ALL OF THE TRUTH. I learned this about my Narcissist through talking to their friends and family and I never imagined that there was even more than what I experienced but there was/is, and the truth was beyond the capacity for me to understand. We see the tip of the iceberg and what is hidden beneath the water is monumental in size and so destructive to many people, especially IF THE TRUTH WOULD GET OUT!
One more thing to the “NAY SAYERS” that always ask why you couldn’t see this happening. I always go to this explanation about how a normal person tries to rationalize the crazy making or pathological nature of a Narcissist in a NORMAL way. On a paranormal show I watch they often explain HOW we rationalize a ghost we may see in a window. That window is reflecting some sort of image – be it the clouds passing by, a tree moving in the wind, or sunshine dappling through the trees. Our mind takes us to a place where we try to make sense of the reflected image in that window and like playing a game of connecting the dots our mind conjures up an image that makes sense – or simply when we look up at the clouds and see an image like a bunny, dog, etc. The point is we are human beings that rationalize situations. With this in mind it is the same concept when we try to form some sort of logic along the lines of what the Narcissist communicates to us. Basically they employ lies and manipulation into every aspect of communication as it concerns us – so we draw upon that same imaging to TRY to rationalize or make sense WHERE THERE IS NO SENSE! We get caught up in this conundrum too often and end up enabling the Narcissist by giving them the benefit of the doubt because of our empathy and unconditional love – NO MATTER HOW OUTLANDISH they are. Our intuition should always be our guide with them, if it quacks like a duck it is more than likely a duck.
This is all done in a manner to control the target/victim and keep them in a constant state of complete REALITY QUESTIONING, “is it me or is it them”. The target/victim is always questioning reality where there is NO reality as it concerns a Narcissist. It is all part of the Narcissist’s agenda and a well thought out plan for them to keep their target/victim controlled by confusing, diverting/deranging reality, dehumanizing and basically psychologically manipulating the target/victim to keep them in a constant state of despair. Again the most important aspect in all of this is the manner in which the Narcissist controls a target/victim starting this whole process with positive manipulation or “love bombing” to first gain our trust to destroy it and us later – after they have extorted everything they could from us.
Lies and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing reality, but the Narcissist also does this with an agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives, then blame and shame us into believing that we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity! There is no love or a relationship in any of this! No/minimal contact to gain clarity and your freedom from this chaos and this abuse! Greg
Why, why, why, why?? We NEED to know why, so here it is in simple and non-clinical words. A little more affirmation to digest.
There are theories upon theories as they concern a Narcissist and what they are, what they feel, why they do what they do, can they be fixed, and all the other what’s and whys! What about what you feel now from having gone through a dehumanizing experience, and a destructive or devastating relationship with one, or you are a child to a Narcissist? What about ‘YOU’ instead of the Narcissist. This is where you HAVE to direct your energies, into your recovery and re-connecting with life.
You have put too much of ‘you’ into this fictitious and destructive character already and it got you to a horrific place in your life. You MUST internalize the truth about them to finalize the abuse or you will stay stuck in the cycle of remaining a target/victim to more and more of it WITH or WITHOUT them in your life. What would you NEED to finally make the connection that Narcissists do not have ANY emotional depth or reality and the image they presented to you was a HUGE vicious betrayal and con-job. They have ‘pretend’ emotions because everyone else in the world that they live in has emotions, so they have to pretend to have emotions and everything else that makes a human being normal so they can fit into OUR existence and get into our lives and heads. YES, you probably miss them, but seriously ask yourself WHAT IS IT THAT YOU MISS? Look at where you are because of your connection and answer that question honestly. You miss what you thought was real, but you don’t miss being abused and damaged and that is all you will ever get from your relationship with them!
A Narcissist’s shallow emotions are as real as a sharks attempt to show emotion by saying they want to be your best friend because they are feeling a little bit lonely and they want to get to know you better. That shark will invite you over for dinner, drinks and some great chatting. But you won’t make it past dinner because you are intended to be dinner because that is the mechanics of that shark.
The Narcissist acts out in the same predatory manner that a shark does but with many disguises PERSONALIZED just for you to simply trick you into getting closer to them so they can essentially extort or devour your life. They do not feel any connection or empathy to honor you as a real person. With them there is no such thing as integrity, or a ‘give and take’ that is geared toward your rights or any normal or moral behavior AND especially as it concerns LOVE between two people. They want what they want and if you have it they pour out the emotions just as if you and the Narcissist fit together like puzzle pieces. Oh, they do know that ACTING morally correct is the thing to do and they understand every social rule, but they are disconnected from ‘right and wrong’ or the pain of remorse for having served themselves at the exclusion of other people’s rights. They abide by no rules, no laws or anything that restricts them from attaining their needs. These are the world’s biggest con artists that preach from their moral pulpits and then denigrate life in private. Definitely NOT want you want as ANY part of your amazing life!
Narcissists pretend they have feelings by mimicking behaviors that are all around them. Simply put the big ‘why’ is because they are predatory and NEED to camouflage themselves to fit in. If you think about it, whatever the reason a Narcissist is what they are, they have been born into a world where they HAVE to fit in with normal people. They NEED us to survive. Every aspect of their life involves interaction with other human beings. Nature at least affords us the opportunity to recognize a shark because it doesn’t look like us and has some veracious teeth that are there for one reason and that is to make an easy meal out of us. The shark stands its ground just by being what it is, an eating machine. The Narcissist creates the ground they stand on based on whatever they need to be to fit in amongst their prey and you NEVER see those vicious teeth until they are taking a bite out of your life. I believe that they should be call NARC-tortionist’s because they are an extortionist AND contortionist (or shape shifters, BUT the ‘con’ is aptly placed in the word too!)
They are acutely aware of their surroundings and they know emotions, or what YOU are feeling even if they can’t feel it themselves. They have observed people’s reactions to every specific emotion and know how to imitate it to get a desired response, even if they do not experience that emotion themselves. Just look back and understand how they were so amazingly adept at making you believe that they loved you and wanted you to be their life partner or whatever it took to con you into their abusive grip. Everybody that is reading this can’t deny that they believed in this Narcissist and what they were feeling WAS love. Nor can we deny that we learned the truth that they are very disordered and abused us. So, if you’re feeling sympathetic towards a Narcissist who hurt you, it’s likely because you were conditioned to feel this way, just like you were with the NEGATIVE things that this Narcissist ever did to you. They have to be adept at their mockery of life to achieve their needs by objectifying us and using what we have – WE ARE SUPPLY to this very needy creature – AMEN.
The Narcissists counts on your assumption and belief that he/she is the very real thing that you think or believe they are. That is what makes the relationship operative for them to extort their supply from OUR lives. They don’t ever change and they have ALWAYS been this personality disordered and abusive person – all you have to do is ask all of their ex supply or spouses and see the trail of destruction they have left behind and the pattern is right there. Look to the fact that their own biological children are also part of their grand scheme to lock a spouse in hook, line and sinker. Check the situation out after the fact and that Narcissist is doing everything in their power to avoid child support, using the court system to hide behind with more of their distorted lies and manipulation. Their children are there to use as a shield and DISGUISE as if the Narcissist is a great parent. Oh yes they are always there for a picture or photo opportunity to publish on the internet, but that is as deep as it goes with them. Everything they publicly display is just as much of a con job as is their love bombing is to any relationship. They wear their lies like clothing to hide the scared and repulsive monster that lives so near to the surface of their skin. They always have a small entourage of supporters and supply that will obey and adore the Narcissist like puppets.
Narcissists get us to feel love for them without reciprocating a real loving response in return. It seems like they are loving us back, but they are reflecting our very emotions right back onto us and into us and this is as deep as it goes. They will get us to feel sorry for THEIR victimization without reciprocal sorrow or any remorse when they completely victimize us. They exploit people’s emotions, manipulate their feelings, pretend they are feeling creatures when they aren’t. They make you dance with them but they are ALWAYS leading their partner in the dance with lies and deceit. The Narcissist becomes intimately familiar with all of your loving and emotional spots and knows the correct buttons to push to gain your trust and admiration to fulfill a deceptive agenda.
They EXPLOIT your precious human emotions to make themselves seem human. They use this information to establish a strong foundation to create what seems like an intimate and healthy relationship. And again as to the ‘why’ because they are biologically the same as you and I and they NEED the same things that you and I need like air, food, water, human bonding, sexual attention, money and everything else but they are not a fully functioning human being. Put that shark I spoke of next to you (with its mouth wired shut) and it still couldn’t successfully fit into any aspect of your life and achieve even one these needs and survive in your world BECAUSE it is a terrifying and hungry predator and THAT is all it knows. The shrewd Narcissist just cleverly disguises themselves by fitting in and becoming the best little boys or girls in the world! Just a quick note and some of my bad humor, Narcissists should also have their mouths wired shut because their words are poisonous and they are just as destructive and deadly as that shark’s teeth! Communication is their tool to manipulating, controlling and extorting their prey.
Seriously this is all the depth there is to them and this is all we really have to understand about them – BUT unfortunately they triggered something in us that makes us attached to them at the hip and THAT IS LOVE. They conquered us with this single word (and imitating all of the required actions to support it) so we are right there with them and believing they are real. Because we have real emotions we supported every aspect of this love. They don’t have emotions to support it back with us and this is what fails them AND us. They want what they want, they play the game, but it is short lived because they lack the necessary mechanics to give back. They get bored easily because they feel no human emotions or feelings to connect to us, but they are in it as long as they can fulfill their every need and they exhaust everything we have and then they continue on to the next target/victim. They are protecting themselves from exposure, so combine those two elements (their needs and their extreme manipulation to fulfill them) and this Narcissist becomes a raging lunatic if you should ‘out’ them. They keep up the charade, rages and all, but they throw us a little bone to snare us back once again and then manage us down to make us feel worthless and thus disabling more of our reality. Remember if their true inner self was transparent to the world they would be rejected, writher away and die.
Hindsight unfortunately is 20/20 as they say, so you have to experience their deception and abuse to understand exactly what I just said. It is definitely not something anyone should experience because the destruction reaches the very core of your heart, soul and mind.
We have to remember and ACTUALIZE this truth about their mechanics just like we understand the predatory shark. If you think back to the Narcissist’s behaviors and unrequited love they professed, well you also knew something was not quite right. We couldn’t put our finger on it, but we knew something was off and WRONG. Their performance was always overly exaggerated or just plain flat, but it was never just quite right. BUT you always responded by caring and loving them more and they returned it with more abuse – that is subjugation, dehumanization and torture when all is said and done.
This is all we need to know to move forward and that is understanding the real reason we were abused. Put the blame where the blame needs to reside and that is with the Narcissist. Forget finding a magic cure for your Narcissist. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck it more than likely is a duck. If it lies, if it cheats, if it extorts, if it manipulates, if it betrays, if it brain-washes, if it wears a thin suit of morality it isn’t that duck, it is a Narcissist. We HAVE to accept this reality to move forward to our recovery (and I know I keep repeating this.) We have to do this for clarity and to feel healthy enough to reestablish the real life we once had and to become happy once more. We have to fall out of the blinding and binding love with this creature and throw those emotions away just as quickly as the Narcissist did to us.
Chart a course through new oceans and to new lands – and yes there will be these nasty sharks still swimming all around you, but you will learn how to navigate through the treacherous waters with new boundaries, but your goal is to find your way back to safe land and get your feet firmly placed back into a real life by moving away from their control. This can only be accomplished through breaking the spell (that love) and denying its existence every single time it sends you a twinge to want it back. What you will always get back is more abuse and lost time. You have the ability to change but you must overcome every single thought that will return you to that bad place where you think this love was real, it wasn’t it was ABUSE. There is real love out there and you have the ability to find it again because you are strong and awesome and you are here today to prove it. Slam that door shut and lock it forever. You deserve real love, dignity, and a life free of chaos. No/minimal contact is the ONLY way out. Greg
There are many corrupt internal messages that the abuse has imprinted on your mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had.
After this relationship ends there will be psychological, emotional, as well as personal issues that you will have to deal with. This abuse is not just about the horrendous things your abuser did to you because that is now the past and the abusive aspect. What you are having to face is today and dealing with the damage from this abuse or things that have changed many of your perspectives concerning your belief system, thought processes, your worth, your mind and your heart. You adapted in a damaging way to become functional where there was no real function for you in this relationship because it was a desperate love that you were conditioned into believing you didn’t deserve because there was something wrong with YOU! The abuse manipulated you and managed you down in such a manner that it basically brain-washed you as well as traumatized you in the process of trying to achieve a cohesive or loving relationship. You were reacting to the fear of loss that was imposed on you to conform or be forced out by the Narcissist. It doesn’t define you as weak, a fool, dumb or any of the above it is just a fact of what this abuse does.
Many corrupt messages were delivered from this abuse that have been imprinted on your heart and mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had. These certain changes that took place over the course of the abuse must be undone so you can become the person that you want to be, or the person you were before the abuse.
There are many lists out there that basically describe what a victim/target of emotional and psychological abuse experiences so I wanted to put this out there as reference:
•constantly hearing that internalized and critical voice from the negative messages that were implanted into your head and heart from your abuser
•wondering why you are not feeling happier now that you have moved on and away from the abuse as you believe you should be feeling
•feelings of insecurity concerning how you appear to others, or feeling a need to always explain yourself, or just uncertainty of how you fit into this world
•feeling angry, suffering anxiety and depression and sometimes questioning your own sanity
•the feeling that time is passing you by and you are missing out on many things in your life or basically you are stuck in a dark and ominous void
•a strong feeling that you don’t want to be the person you are or overly sensitive to your situation
•feeling hesitant to accept your own perceptions about things as compared to before when you were very decisive about most everything
•a feeling like you want to run away or completely escape your present situation
•a sense of worthlessness and failure where before you felt confident with your abilities
•a loss of enthusiasm and spontaneity and trust of life
•living in a perpetually guarded state or always protecting yourself from being hurt through avoidance and isolation
•thinking and feeling that something is wrong with you
•constant soul searching and reviewing past incidents in the hope of determining what went wrong, even obsessing
•a strong loss of self-confidence compounded by a growing feeling of self-doubt and always feeling the need to apologize for who you are
•living in the future instead of the present, believing everything will be good when this, that, and whatnot happens – but you also feel it is not happening and you feel your life is basically over as it concerns finding true happiness again
•having a distrust of people, future relationships and settling that you may be alone because you are unlovable or don’t offer enough for another person to love you, or that you are worthless
Those are some of the things that may be cycling through your thoughts and mind. These disabling thoughts are directly related to the managing down, manipulation, and the negative messages from the abuse. These are the very things that you must conquer, desensitize or extinguish because if not you will be imprisoned by these messages forever. Becoming healthy again is replacing these distorted messages and returning to ‘the old you’ that existed before the abuse. The most important thing here is learning to trust and love yourself again and then reigniting those old belief systems BUT with new boundaries and introspection – this only happens with self-compassion and understanding that most if not all of these distorted thoughts came to you from a personality disordered person that you must now put out of your mind and life forever!
This abuse doesn’t stop the very day you walk away from a psychologically and emotionally abusive partner. It more than likely may continue to affect you long after you are out of the relationship until you completely educate yourself about this abuse or what psychological and emotional abuse is! It is unfortunate that you and I have had to experience this and are left disabled and damaged by our abuser BUT we can’t allow it to affect and destroy the remainder of our life by staying imprisoned with these thoughts. You were an amazing person before the abuse and you are going to be more than that when you recover and become a survivor with new boundaries and a new perspective when you get back to life and living again.
Psychological and emotional abuse is any judgement, from ANY source, that humiliates, undermines and paralyses you. People do have a right to comment on errors you have made, but they are NEVER justified in suggesting that those errors undermine your human worth or dehumanize you through a personal attack. If you think about your abuse with a Narcissist, this was a slow and insidious day by day and CONSTANT manipulation of your character. It was mixed with love and you were thrown a little bone now and then, but that was only to pull you back into the abuse and managed down more or negative conditioning. It was a horrendous manipulation of your mind, character and integrity by a disordered person, dehumanization and purely sadistic. They are the sick one here and not you but you have been damaged and disabled by your connection with them.
This abuse keeps you hyper focused on the past by only viewing the present and the future through the negative perspective of the abusive relationship or those negative messages that were forced into your head and heart. When you’re in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship, the Narcissist always reminded you of everything you have ever done wrong and basically told you that you will never change. They do this with the constant managing down with something new or old and remind you of it constantly. There was never much that was ever directed at you in a positive manner either, instead everything you did was devalued where you continually strived to do better in response to the devaluation and that became your normal with them. What did this make you feel like? Worthless! Basically it is the devaluation stage of the abuse and that is where these negative messages became imprinted on your mind! AGAIN – it is insidious and sadistic or dehumanization of a human being.
Psychological and emotional abuse basically brainwashes you into accepting whatever negative things your abuser said about you as real or your reality and worth as a person. They make you so vulnerable through the devaluation process that it confuses AND disables your reality which in turns undermines your own opinion of yourself AND then you believe they must be right because they are so relentless and angry about these so called things you do. The Narcissist is HEAVILY invested in their agenda to devalue you so they can maintain their power and control over you! Their attacks are traumatizing with their desperate convictions, lies, betrayal, accusations and so much more.
Narcissists do not think the same way the rest of us do as far as it concerns empathy, love, and support because it would allow us to be individuals that think independently or outside of their controlling and abusive nature. What is logical and reasonable to us, is the absolute opposite to them because it does NOT exist in their world. It’s one of the reasons healthy people get so frustrated and confused and ABUSED by narcissists. We would never consider making someone angrier or more upset – especially someone we value and love. To the Narcissist making someone angrier, invalidating their concerns and using it against them is part of their agenda to devalue or abuse – it is basically controlling another person. Seriously they are only bullies and cowards that always lurk in the shadows to hide their real identity with their lies, manipulation and disordered lifestyle. Control is power in their world and the end result is ALWAYS abuse as it concerns people that have any connection to them! The process to recovery involves reversing the negative conditioning and desensitizing the horrendous messages that stole your reality, self-esteem, feeling of worth, and goodness. This all starts with no/minimal contact to achieve this clarity once more by ending the cycle of abuse with this Narcissist! Greg
Narcissists are VERY convincing and polished liars and EVERYTHING that they have told you was a LIE. This was the PRISON the Narcissist used to hold you captive AND it was built from all of those lies, both the POSITIVE endearing ‘I Love You Lies’ and the disabling ones that managed you down every day to control and devalue you that took your worth away and erased your personality.
So to start, you have to actualize that EVERYTHING WAS A LIE. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends hate you, my family hates you, the world hates you, etc.!’ Don’t forget all the other day to day lies, the lies about the affairs, the lies about STUPID stuff, the lies about accountability, the lies about other lies, etc. All of these messages that the Narcissist was basically downloading into your head is all part of their delusional disorder based on LIES that they used to manage you down, gain power over you, and to control you. So when you refer back to these messages they put in your head and RELATE to them to try to resolve ANY of this, you are only listening to the same delusional lies that got you into this abusive relationship that is now still convincing you that you are to blame and everything bad and YOU have to accept responsibility here for the demise of this relationship. Those messages were designed to control and debilitate you or imprison you and they have – so replaying any of them will still keep you right in the abuse and behind those same bars and in that same prison.
As convincing as the Narcissist in your life was about their love for you it had absolutely NOTHING to do with love. Every single action employed by the Narcissist stems from a pathological need to control others AND all lies to bring their agenda to extort supply to fruition. In order to prove your love to a Narcissist, you had to surrender your identity and all of your power and control over to them. You handed over your life when you handed them your heart. That predator knew that if they conquered your heart then they had you where they wanted you. You became a slave to their needs and your only purpose was to enhance and embellish the Narcissist’s false image, take care of those needs, and accept their self-serving abuse. That prison they used to keep you captive was built from all of those lies – the POSITIVE endearing I love you lies and the disabling ones that managed you down every day to control you and eventually destroy you. Of course none of this is ever presented to us within the real truth of just how disordered and damaging they really are because the Narcissist creates this extreme façade and uses manipulation AND THOSE LIES to con you into trusting them implicitly with THREE very thoughtful and well placed and deceptive words – ‘I Love You!’ They take you from Charm to Harm!
There is no “one” real person inside of the Narcissist that is fully functioning or normal but instead there are MANY made up facsimiles of people they imitate to cover up their dark reality to give them the ability to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people. They are biologically human beings with needs, and they look like us and basically even act like us BUT they do not THINK like we do. Seems complicated so how do they do it? When they meet you they will carefully access so many parts of your life and morph right into your twin – and WOW you have so much in common. SO, it naturally follows that there is no proper internal mechanism that exists or functions as it relates to a Narcissist having a normal and functioning ‘personality’ that can relate in a healthy manner with the outside world and the people in it so basically the WHOLE relationship is based on manipulation to serve their agenda. The reality that seems to exist (and I am very loosely using that word reality) is a thin veneer or skin that is like a mask or costume they CREATE with those lies to manipulate people to fall for their life scam. Their façade is very interchangeable as well, so it completely fools the rest of the world and protects the Narcissist from being EXPOSED as dark, envious, and the loathsome person that they are. This basically encapsulates the personality disordered and the truth about them as they relate to people and the world.
You have probably heard this many times and I will repeat it once more – they are like a chameleon that is able to change the color of its skin to match its environment and they are amazingly adept at this. The Narcissist disengages or detaches from their dark inner self and recreates an image to wear for the public or their immediate world. This image is constantly projected to essentially allow themselves to ‘fit in.” Of course it is a good and likeable image that is very interchangeable AND even described as very charming but remember it was designed to camouflage themselves – and there you have it a different person for every different ‘need’. Unfortunately, what is hidden under that façade is a very dangerous individual. Personally I would describe them as pathologically seductive because in reality they are con artists that are after something they need. That ‘need’ is usually to trick their targets and use them as ‘Narcissistic Supply’ and just a major component of their survival. Basically their functioning image is the biggest lie that this extortionist uses in their arsenal of deceit or ABUSE. They compartmentalize people to fit the many different and exacting needs they have that is personalized for each of us. Remember Narcissists are in every facet of life – be it a family member, a friend, a co-worker, perhaps a priest or preacher, attorney, doctor, next door neighbor, etc. Also remember that supply isn’t just limited to romantic relationships – if you have something they need or want, or they can better their social status by being in your company, or benefit by an association with you, they will be right there at your side getting whatever they are after. Once it is gotten they are gone and if you ever tried to make them accountable – YOU are gone as well.
So there is no real person there just a needy void looking for a surrogate to supply them what they cannot achieve on their own and that would be you and I – now that is pretty messed up! The relationship with yourself, or the one that requires a conscience, morals, empathy, a soul, etc., is a pretty important relationship to be lacking COMPLETELY, and pretty much a requirement or prerequisite to being a functioning human being and living life NORMALLY as well as interacting with others. If you don’t relate to your own self or your life in a healthy matter, how can you relate to anyone else in a ‘healthy manner OR any manner for that matter?’ JUST MY POINT – a Narcissist lacks the mechanisms needed to be a ‘fully functioning human being’ so they invent what they need as they go along in life and we play along or join in unknowingly with their toxic and destructive game while they run off with all the goods. With a Narcissist it is purely pathological in nature and basically EVERYONE is here to supply them OR fulfill their every need, be it financially as in a career, sexually to fulfill their physical needs, familial so ‘they’ have a proper ‘face’ to appear ‘normal, moral and ethical’, friends to help them shore up their façade and believe their ‘lies’, or whatever they can harvest and use from people to fill in the huge VOID that they are. None of us serve anything more OR are more than a “bit part” in the Narcissist deranged and disordered life. We function to serve a specified need the Narcissist has at a specific time, AND they have multiple relationships going on to secure all the supply they can get – but we are none the wiser!
A Narcissist lacks all social skills/graces in the most extreme ways because underneath their ‘seductive’ façade, they don’t honor any human rights, respect individuality, or obey any written law. They live life in an extremely pathological and abusive manner. They imitate a functioning human being and take everything they want and need through some extreme and manipulative methods. They also get bored easily with their conquests SINCE they lack the mechanisms to form healthy bonds (and decisions), so they STRAY very easily to keep the excitement and adulation flowing in their world. Now it is bad enough they are life’s extortionist but they also seem to envy and loathe all healthy loving people that would dare express their individuality, question them or demand accountability, so they lose their patience with us quickly and psychologically attack our minds in an effort to destroy our life as we know it – and if that doesn’t succeed they will just smear our integrity behind our backs. Remember they are also very protective with their big secret or lie about themselves – so if you catch on they are ready and loaded with an attack on your integrity that can literally destroy your life. Hmmm, it seems like they are very aware of what they are doing to always have a counteroffensive ready.
Like any other toxic bully, you have to disengage from the Narcissist COMPLETELY because if you don’t they will only attack you in unimaginable ways to destroy your COMPLETE integrity as well as your life. They have to win the battle they have with life, people and essentially the WHOLE world! You will ‘seemingly’ end up being the crazy one and the abuser because they will make you out to be everything bad/wrong just like a psycho bully would react to remove any blame from themselves and pass it onto you, basically their back-stabbing and smear campaign. Not a very pretty package at all. Just always remember, you haven’t done ANYTHING wrong to deserve this because they don’t function like other human beings. They don’t even have a clue what liking, caring or LOVING is so they live without it by pretending they know it, but you CAN’T pretend to love especially when you have no morals and it catches up with the Narcissist very quickly because they are so ‘out of control’ and careless.
Narcissists relate to other human beings as objects. You know objects, the things to use and ab-use for self-serving purposes. Things that have no rights, things that are inanimate, things that have no feelings. Perhaps a good example would be like a tool that performs a certain function, and we are just one of MANY of these “tools” that they USE.
So where did that ‘love’ go? Until the fact sinks in that the time they spent with us or anybody is never a ‘relationship’, but instead more of a pathological parasite feeding off of you/us, you just won’t “get” malignant Narcissism or that this is emotional and psychological abuse. You will keep acting on the premise that the Narcissist has some feelings JUST for you, or some sort of conscience, morals, ‘cares for’ or even loves you – and that premise couldn’t be further from the truth. It NEVER makes sense to you, so you keep questioning or blaming yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to do as if everything is your fault. You are always wondering whether it is you, or it is YOU that has temporarily lost your ability to relate NORMALLY in your relationship, or better yet you are crazy like your Narcissist is telling you. NO, it is the Narcissist that is literally the ‘crazy one’ or clinically has the ‘personality disorder’. Well it is classified as a personality disorder but still in all it is CRAZY behavior or better yet dehumanizing, demeaning, debasing, and destructive, AND psychologically abusive to anyone that has any sort of connection with them. Control is power to an abuser so whether you are attacked physically with a fist or attacked mentally with hideous, destructive and manipulating words, it is abuse from a disordered person, one that is not a fully functioning human being that lacks total empathy and love for their fellow man/womankind. You don’t intentionally CONTROL, harm, hurt, or destroy any creature on this planet for ANY REASON and Narcissists do it every waking moment of their lives. Knowledge is power so educating yourself to completely understand this abuse is the first step to getting your healthy mind back and starting out on your road to recovery – well that and no/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
No or minimal contact is more like a ‘personal witness protection program’ to protect yourself from the damage that any reconnection with a Narcissist can do to a victim.
The Narcissist will ALWAYS rob the target/victim of their authenticity, integrity, individualism, and soul AND if to add insult to injury they will even destroy the victim’s integrity with back stabbing and a smear campaign. So with all of that in mind the target/victim has to learn to trust the world again and that is a task that will not be easy to accomplish without some specialized help. The first reality is to reclaim the knowledge that YOU were the normal person and genuine with your feelings and that you had been tricked into an emotionally destructive situation which ultimately was meant to control you as well as disable you. Recovery is a process to reclaim your ‘normal’, as well as your feelings, emotions, and belief system in the real world and to overcome fears of expressing those feelings again. ALL of this starts with clarity and that happens with no/minimal contact. Every little step towards this is a success in your recovery and a MUST to move forward. Just remember that the potential for finding a genuine and loving relationship still exists within you but that can only happen when this Narcissist is totally out of your life. YOU ARE A PERSON THAT CAN LOVE, a Narcissist can NEVER love and lives in a loathsome and dark world where they will always be alone no matter whether they are physically with someone or not. They will always find another source of supply – so let them!
Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist can be described in many ways, but the reality of the situation is that we have looked into the eyes of what can only be described as a cruel, dark and totally dysfunction or better yet disordered person. It is psychological terrorism by a disordered human being that had no intentions whatsoever to be anything to us but a thief of hearts, as well as a thief of our life.
The aspect that is the most damaging about this abuse is that it is essentially subtle, silent, and invisible. In time emotional and psychological abuse has robbed the target/victim of their worth, belief system, soul, and spirit. Life is no longer the world that they once knew because it doesn’t feel safe, and their core beliefs about one of the most cherished aspects of life (LOVE) has been redefined and corrupted by a battle that ensued with what can only now be described as a silent enemy. A battle that the target/victim never even realized was going on. Yes, Narcissists are dangerous to man/womankind because they act out in a manner to harm good people and leave them and their welfare at such a vulnerable place that the recovery is a process that requires time that can compound the abuse even more. To sum it up, trauma and extreme loss that disables the victim are the best words to use here, and a loss that destroys people and entire families.
Nothing about this abuse can be construed as anything normal. It is an impossible task to wrap your head around the intentions of such a disordered person, yet alone explain the abuse to the world in a manner that achieves a sense of credibility. Narcissists are like a disease that slowly enters the body and spreads everywhere destroying and shutting the body down bit by bit. Unfortunately, there is no cure or medication to stop the diseased Narcissist except to remove the malignancy completely from your life. ALWAYS NO or MINIMAL CONTACT and then the process starts to your personal recovery.
Whether you are a man or a woman who has endured an abusive relationship with a Narcissist the best policy AGAIN is the “No/Minimal Contact” rule and the sooner you achieve this the better. You must make a clean break and stick with it so the healing process can begin. It’s natural to feel emotional or sentimental after a break up however you are in a war zone when you are dealing with an abusive relationship with a Narcissist. Seriously they have the artillery, landmines, and bombs ready and waiting to destroy their target/victim!
This is serious stuff because your time is precious on this earth and once you recognize that this person is an abusive Malignant Narcissist it is time to get into action to get away from them. I looked at my departure from abuse as the “GREG Witness Protection Program.” These are the basic combat plans and a START to achieve your goals of “no/minimal contact” as well as protect yourself.
1. Ability not to care at all as it concerns your Ex-Narcissist! They are not real and don’t exist in the natural and normal world where we all reside. They are an abomination of lies and manipulation, not a person that has emotions, cares or loves.
2. Make a commitment to yourself to refuse to be influenced in any way by threats, further intimidation, or bad consequences. Leave it where it is WITH THE NARCISSIST hissing in the shadows and NEVER respond. Save any emails, text messages, and journal everything they say as proof. They are cowards and fight with hideous lies meant to cause irreparable damage to your integrity. In the end you will learn that the only people that believe the Narcissist’s lies are not real friends but judgmental and toxic people that you do not need or want in your life.
3. Take a decisive approach to breaking ALL of the connections and sever any and ALL residual communication links like mutual friends or social networking sites. This is important because you must remember that a Narcissist manipulates in every possible way they can even on social sites, etc. All you will see are more lies, more fake stories, or more garbage that will only confound and confuse you more. Nothing about them has changed except that they are probably onto CHARMING a new and unsuspecting target that will end up into the same place that any person that has any connection to this person (a Narcissist) does or HARM!
4. YOU MUST absolutely refuse to feel any “shame or blame” or to be put on the defensive especially in your OWN mind as if ANY of this is your fault or real. The abuse is psychological terrorism and meant to disable your thought processes so the Narcissist can CONTROL you. DON’T ALLOW IT anymore – TAKE THAT POWER AWAY FROM THEM! They are emotional and psychological bullies that use fear, chaos, crazy-making, lies, and betrayal to disable your thought processes to confuse and control you. If you disconnect completely from reacting to their chaos you will be ahead of the game! In time you will refuse any of their attempts to ever manipulate your mind or your good energy again!
5. Insistence from this point on that any discussion of the facts (especially with yourself) begin with and are defined with the truth OR call it what it is – “abuse,” “destruction,” and “control” as well as removing the Narcissist’s name from your vocabulary – this was a personality disordered creature that intentionally harmed you.
6. Refusal to negotiate with the Narcissist EVER because you KNOW the absolute truth so NEVER give it up – NEVER! Remember they do not negotiate they manipulate and divert with lies to manage you right back into that place of despair, feeling wrong and worthless! YES, they will drag you back into the abuse every opportunity you give them when you feel that you can fix this relationship or them! This is why you must disconnect from them with either no or minimal contact.
7. You MUST believe that you are strong and be cognizant of the fact that this Narcissist picked the wrong person to “smear” or take down. You are too smart for them and YOU are the real person here that is amazing, unconditional with your love and most importantly you possess a quality called empathy which a Narcissist has NONE. AGAIN – those that believe the Narcissist or engage in the Narcissist’s ‘smear campaign’ are WEAK and abusive as well and not worth your time or energy. Your truth is what is real and that is what the right people in your life know and believe.
8. Adopt a policy or philosophy and accept the collateral damage as the cost of freedom from this abuse and further evidence of the rightness of your cause and the very truth. It is like RUNNING from them but in an organized and responsible fashion! You are not dealing with a normal person you are dealing with a terrorist with the intent to harm you more and destroy you and your integrity so it is PROTECTING yourself.
9. Practice extreme patience with yourself always and don’t be worn down by any setbacks, surprises, or consequence. We all make mistakes and step backwards. This isn’t something you have had experience with because it is ABUSE and that word says it all! Every day is a new day and one more day that you moved forward and nearer to your total recovery.
10. Reconnect with the world and with yourself. Get back in touch with the people you weren’t allowed to see or those you fell out of contact with. Start doing the things you used to enjoy little by little. Pursue your interests again. Make a commitment to exercise or working out. The goal here is to make yourself healthy and strong in body, spirit and mind. Do not isolate yourself! DO NOT ISOLATE YOURSELF! I know I repeated that but it is important to allow yourself a real connection with other people be it friends, acquaintances, or just stepping out.
Stay in your own personal “witness protection program” for as long as it takes. This is to get your life back and gain clarity with knowledge, education and support! No contact or minimal contact is putting yourself in a protective zone to end the chaos and crazy making completely to give yourself the freedom you need to educate yourself, find proper help as in therapy, re-establish a place for yourself in the world, establish healthy boundaries, and to realize that the horrendous betrayal you experienced was forced upon you by a delusional and disordered person over a long period of time. This abuse was slow and insidious, but it is like a cancer that has been growing in your body, YOU MUST do what you can to get rid of the malignancy. This process can only be achieved by the “no or minimal contact” rule.
The Narcissist was special, your prince or princess CHARMING, and the person you fell in love with. BUT after the initial “love bombing” or courtship this relationship turned TOXIC and abusive. Each time you initiate contact or respond to his/her overtures, you have to start the healing process all over again. It happens and we do fall backwards, but get back up as quick as you can and let it only reinforce the real goal of getting back to the recovery program.
Re-initiating contact will only prolong your pain and recovery and cause more and severe damage because the Narcissist knows that you have their number and will step up the manipulation and abuse to avoid exposure. It’s the difference between recuperating in the hospital slowly after open heart surgery, or deciding instead that you will skip the recuperation period and go work out at the gym. You are only going to end up in harm’s way if you don’t recuperate correctly until you are COMPLETELY healed. In the case of a Narcissist you want to maintain that “no contact” forever!
If you give a Narcissist an inch, they’ll they take an arm or leg off with a few swift bites. You may think it is OK to accept calls and/or responding to texts and emails, but it is wrong and DANGEROUS to YOU and your well-being. You are only giving the Narcissist permission to keep abusing you. The Narcissist will interpret your willingness to maintain contact as interest in rekindling this desperate relationship and a WEAKNESS on your part and they will add more links to that chain that is around your neck. If you DO respond to your Ex-Narcissist, he/she does indeed still have you on a chain that will now get tighter to pull you back into the abuse. The Narcissist will definitely continue to gas-light, manipulate, trick you, lie, be possessive and intrusive, and extort everything else they can from you. All that Narcissist needs is the smallest bit of attention, negative or positive to keep them going. If you want that Narcissist to move on, you must starve the beast and that means no contact and no attention.
There are many lists out there that basically say the same thing but this was my addendum to the generic version or again what I called my personal “witness protection plan.” Everything on this list may not be feasible for everyone especially if you MUST have contact. But even with minimal contact you HAVE to disconnect from any emotions and stop negotiating with yourself or looking for any other answer than the truth and that you experienced the abuse of a Malignant Narcissist and it is time to get out and away from the Narcissist’s ability to control and abuse you. Be like a programed robot with every battle you MUST have because of legal decisions, or biological children – BUT NEVER negotiate where it involves you personally or emotionally. I think it’s a good example of the level of personal commitment No/Minimal Contact requires or at least a model to help bring awareness as to the importance of solutions to separate from the problem of this abuse – the NARCISSIST. Remember that knowledge and education is the first step in recovery. We must all go on a journey of personal introspection and look inward to fix what needs fixed so that we NEVER allow toxic people to ever take us to such a dark place. You are amazing and you can and will survive this attack on your life and become a stronger and better person. Greg
We are not an individual or even a person to a Narcissist – we are utilitarian and serve a purpose or better yet nothing more than a mere object and one of many that they use.
How does a person with normal empathy wrap their head around a Narcissist? What words are appropriate – did we love a person or did we love a Narcissist? Now ask yourself to completely justify your choice and it is troubling. Your mind is or was constantly turning in a vicious circle of trying to believe that they were real as they brain-washed you into believing in them with their extreme charm or ‘love bombing,’ but then questioning their accountability also came into play because so much conflict came into question as well. This conflict is beyond confusing to deal with because you are a person that only KNOWS love and practices empathy so you are left trying to find some avenue of goodness in them (the Narcissist) to reconcile this even when you were faced with some ugly truths.
Often we hear that a Narcissist just does not care and THAT becomes such a confusing point of contention with us! Just what does that mean – how can another person possess such a void that they have absolutely no ability to care for another human being? Well it means that a Narcissist does not have the internal and normal functioning mechanisms required to feel the reality of real the harm that they cause to the people that love them – simply put they have totally disconnected from internalized feelings Their whole being is a working mechanism (or a façade) and it lacks all empathy, emotion and the ability to bond with other human beings. WE on the other hand can logically differentiate what caring is as well as what hurt feels like because we do possess empathy, emotion, and the ability to bond and love. A Narcissist just cannot understand this and they wonder what goes on in our mind and why we make such a fuss about their lifeless emotions – they don’t know what we know, or feel what we feel – if you don’t know it you can’t feel it. You can logically understand that a Narcissist does not possess the ability to care but you cannot understand or put yourself in the position to actually feel what it is like to be totally void of that ability to care so you CANNOT wrap your head around it at all. Your normal emotions will ALWAYS trump any understanding that a person could be so void of life, emotions, care, and love. We CANNOT know what makes a Narcissist tick – but we can believe from our experience with them that it is a non-functioning and destructive relationship. We MUST get out of TRYING to understand a Narcissist and just accept the truth around the fact they are disordered, and dangerous to our well-being. You cannot fix them, heal them, get back at them, or expect them to come to your aid in any other manner than with more manipulation and abuse. There is no closure that exists within the realm of the Narcissist as far as it concerns getting any sort of validation of the destruction and pain they caused to your life. You NEED to totally understand this to move on and recover – you need to do this so you concentrate on yourself and healing to move forward!
Since it is not within our realm of understanding it keeps us continually wrapped up in a maze of self-doubt, questioning, and justifications. The truth is that the ‘love bombing’ as amazing and reinforcing as it was to us is no less destructive than the devaluation process or the discard because it was the force behind the Narcissists agenda to gain our trust and seduce us into the cycle of this abuse. The road to recovery REQUIRES a crash course about this abuse so we get our REAL ‘ah ha’ moment about the reality of our situation. Even with the truth in mind our emotions will have to be dealt with in a grieving process to move forward because the situation was purely diabolical within the manner that we were conned. Unfortunately, the emotional aspect (love) of this abuse does not go away even with our ‘ah ha’ moment and THAT is what keeps us locked up in the justifications and trying to fix what we were basically ‘blamed and shamed’ into believing that we destroyed. You have to fight those emotions every day until that bond with them is broken because the reality is that you did not lose any form of real love, instead you have luckily broken an abusive connection that will literally save your emotional and psychological well-being. They are like ticks that attach themselves to our skin sucking our blood or our very life force! If and when you try to remove them their head stays lodged in your skin causing great damage because their infectious poison remains inside of you. Without treatment you can suffer for the remainder of your life.
Narcissists have absolutely no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation by significant others. It is actually perceived as a threat because a Narcissist objectifies all of his/her targets/victims. Significant others in the Narcissist’s life have very clear roles and that is for the Narcissist to harvest supply, nothing less but definitely nothing more. Devaluation is a subtle process that starts from the very first day we start on our journey with them and throughout the entire life of the relationship. The Narcissist does NOT start this relationship believing we are the ‘love of their life,’ that would be akin to us believing that the over complimentary car salesperson loves us – no they are schmoozing us to get us to buy a new car because it profits them. It is all a mechanical process just like with the Narcissist to achieve their agenda and to profit from the relationship with us.
They are amazingly good at what they do or the lies that they create and their amazing but fake charm and facade! Think of the Narcissist as ‘The Pied Piper” that mesmerizes anybody that listens to his/her flute – and there are so MANY different and seductive tunes that trap most anybody. For example, you may believe that this Narcissist is exclusively yours but he/she has many other relationships going on even though they are pretending they are in a committed relationship with you. By compartmentalizing people, events, and actions with all of their secrets nobody is ever the wiser! They keep their dirty secrets hidden from the real world AND should you ever catch onto their lies they will defend themselves with more lies to protect themselves as well as destroy your integrity! You can also believe that Narcissist is probably quoting scriptures, preaching about how bad the world has become, preaching morality, and bragging about what a good person they are too! But they are criticizing you and destroying your integrity behind your back while preaching on their pulpit to their many supporters that can’t see through the superficial charm. Oh and yes they are looking for and securing new supply as they preach to everyone. Somebody always falls into their charm and lies because everything is an opportunity for them because they make it so!
Narcissists are just amoral with all of the crazy lies that are solely based on the Narcissist getting what they want and it is just that simple. Of course they need to support the ‘great façade’ first and foremost so they fit into our world or else they would be rejected within a minute of meeting them if people only knew about the darkness inside of these creatures! Narcissists are here and walking among us to TAKE or a better yet extort what they can from every aspect of life through manipulating the greatest resource – PEOPLE. The emotional attachments we form with these critters are formed from the very lies that this Narcissist uses to drag us into their world! Lying to us about how much they love us is just what they do to get the game going. What a bizarre phenomenon to have to accept as a reality, or having to believe that another human being can con you into loving them so completely just so they can extort what they can from you and probably the person that is standing right there and next to you too. BUT again they are so good at it and so seamless with their lies that we feel so personally attached to this warm and loving LIAR!
They will marry for years, even start a family and seem like a strong family person (mother or father,) but what goes on behind this horrendous façade (and in private) is a lying, destructive, and raging creature that couldn’t care less about their spouse or family. They don’t care as long as they get exactly what they want! They lack any and all restraint when it comes to their needs as my Narcissist did and then turn it around and make light of their actions and even blame the ex-spouse or person they were with.
A Narcissist will make us their punching bag for their inadequacies through rages and attacks. Their aim is to force us into a co-dependent role and their possession to use at will, AND to gain control over us, our emotions and our life. We are not prized by them as an equal partner but taken for granted as long as we give them supply and even that is probably a bit too complementary as to them having ANY feelings for us even as supply because we are just a temporary connection. This is a dehumanizing partnership we have with them because we were only the NEXT object in a Narcissist’s long past of using and abusing people. It was just our turn because of an unfortunate twist of fate that landed us right in their web of lies and deceit, or a predator finding its prey.
Human beings are NOT objects or instruments to be used and to be regarded as such is dehumanizing to say the least. Narcissists devalue people and reduce them to mere objects that have one purpose which is to fulfil their every need. This is why Narcissists easily lose interest in us because we are not a deserving, independent thinking and functioning human being in their mind but instead another object to use and then once we cease to serve them in their pursuit of supply they lose interest and find another object. No care or fuss and muss as far as finding someone else to replace us! Remember we were their DAILY or 24/7 source of supply and there were many ‘on the side’ sources to supplement the Narcissist’s vast and bottomless pit of neediness. Narcissists are not prejudice in the least bit when it comes to their needs, they will take it from whomever or whatever walks past them if they have the opportunity. There is never a commitment to any one source nor any care or concern of what harm they cause to ANYONE.
Again WE MUST understand that this abuse is intentional and as much as it was such a personal part of us, it was purely the act of an emotionally, psychologically UNBALANCED, and deviant human being. It seems insurmountable to try to erase what was reality to us as nothing more than a Narcissist sourcing us out to provide themselves with what they only needed to survive. Why do they go through such lengths to do this and why do they also destroy good people? Well I would say because it works for them, it gives them power to control us to maintain their constant supply from us AND unfortunately they usually get away with it unscathed. What other reason would motivate a person to act out in this sadistic manner if it wasn’t tied to an agenda?
Yes, this is how they are wired, no empathy, no emotions, and they CAN’T love – that is why this is labeled a personality disorder. But why do they destroy and damage good and unsuspecting people when it is bad enough that they extort them of their lives and love, yet alone have a knife to their back ready to destroy them at any given moment? WHY if they are getting what they so desperately need do they destroy a good thing then? BECAUSE they are not a fully functioning human being and cannot act on the same normal human premise to bond, care for, or love other human beings! So basically they are deviants, psycho bullies, emotional manipulators, users and abusers as well as destructive and dangerous so never stay a moment longer with them once you know the truth. Your sanity has been pushed to the point that you are so vulnerable and basically functioning after the time you have spent with this person. Is it worth losing any more of yourself to try to stay a moment longer and for what – to completely lose your sanity? Their truth is hidden behind so many layers of denial and lies, so if they can lie so easily to themselves to protect their damaged self they will most assuredly lie to us and about us to keep their dirty secrets hidden and take us down first! NO/MINIMAL CONTACT! Greg
The Narcissist’s Facades and Lies – An upside down world where the truth is really a lie and the lie is really the truth.
It is almost impossible to list the many damaging effects of emotional and psychological abuse and what it does to a normal, good, and loving person. Among some of the most common reactions to this abuse are overwhelming feelings of loss, helplessness, hopelessness, feeling worthless, confusion, anxiety, depression, exhaustion, fear, isolation, and fear of the here and now. These are extremely overpowering responses to emotional/psychological abuse. When you are experiencing abuse or living in it you can’t clearly see or understand the truth because the abuse distracts/disables you from living in a healthy reality! It also changes or distorts your perspective of life. I couldn’t see what was happening to me because the abuse distracted me from seeing the truth and the reality of my situation.
Abuse, at its very core, is really a horrific and powerful lie, but the sad reality of this abuse is that the lie seems to be the truth, and the truth we believe is the lie. That manipulation of the truth is a revolving and constant thought process directly related to the agenda of the abuser! But once you recognize and accept that there is abuse in your relationship the first powerful transformation takes place and healing begins. But beyond a doubt, it is easier to heal from the abuse if the relationship ends and no/minimal contact begins. I wouldn’t be where I am today as a survivor if I still carried my abuser’s daily manipulative words and sadistic actions on my shoulders and in my mind. Think of recovery as empowering yourself with the REAL truth to now make healthier choices for your well-being and becoming a viable individual again. The world is yours to conquer without all of those horrible monkeys on your back from the abuse.
So the biggest and most distorted lie starts with the Narcissist being profoundly charming, caring and loving. They are doing this because it serves them or you have something they want which can lead to the huge ‘love bombing’ lie. The rest of the lies appear quite openly when the Narcissist’s mask slips and suddenly, they become totally unreliable and negative about everything YOU. Promises mean nothing, that amazing love means nothing, emotions mean nothing, love means nothing, and YOU mean nothing AND all because there was NOTHING there to begin with! That is the basis of this abuse or the disabling lies at every level of the relationship as well as the Narcissist’s phony facade! EVERYTHING is a lie to support that façade!
Through the course of the abuse you were targeted by many ‘attacks’ be it blatant and ugly assertions or accusations about you that completely made you lose your balance (like you are having an affair) or simpler ones to just consistently rattle you or undermine your well-being and catch you off guard. Then there can be the accusations designed to make you feel guilty not for something you are doing, but something you are NOT doing. These arguments make you feel obligated and reduce you to feeling GUILTY and even ashamed that YOU are not giving enough, believing enough, or doing enough. That is the Narcissist being a martyr with embellishments that insist you don’t love them anymore with a ‘because’ of some sort attached. These can be used to cover their backsides (diversions) when accountability comes into question like when you ask them where they were the night before. They guilt you to divert from the truth by saying that they can’t believe you would accuse them of something so horrific. You feel the desperate need to reassure them that you do love them, and you are so sorry and then try to make the Narcissist feel good. The Narcissist killed two birds with one stone, got away with some horrendous betrayal and had YOU apologizing to them. The bottom line is that you are always explaining yourself and reacting to the Narcissists many attempts to keep you under their control.
All of these situations are just variations of manipulative lies that constantly distort your reality. When it comes to the raging attacks, that is angry projection or the bully Narcissist acting out another diversion to control you. The Narcissist is deliberately attacking you with the objective of achieving CONTROL through fear and anger or basically maneuvering you into a conflict situation. The Narcissist wants to create an argument but also wants to be able to blame you for it afterwards. None of this is based on any sort of reality as it concerns you or something you have done and usually something the Narcissist has done to dump their shame onto you through projection. Again the agenda is always about managing you down in some form or fashion! They use everything they can as some sort of diversion because this is their reality or better yet I should say their non-reality because there is nothing real about them except whatever they manipulate you (us) into believing – both the good and the bad. This is something we really have to reflect upon and actualize – they are not real and they use control to make us believe in them as well as to harm us. The bottom line is that WE have to discard this person completely from our life.
After this relationship ends there will be psychological, emotional, as well as personal issues that you will have to deal with. This abuse is not just about the horrendous things your abuser did to you because that is now the past and the abusive aspect. What you are having to face are the things that you unfortunately allowed to happen that have changed many of your perspectives concerning your belief system, thought processes, your worth, your mind and your heart. Now hear me out that this is not saying you accepted the abuse, you adapted in a damaging way to become functional where there was no real function for you in this relationship because it was a desperate love that you were conditioned into believing you didn’t deserve because there was something wrong with YOU! The abuse manipulated you and managed you down in such a manner that it basically brain-washed you as well as traumatized you in the process of trying to achieve a cohesive or loving relationship. You were reacting to the fear of loss that was imposed on you to conform or be forced out by the Narcissist – BUT – you were seduced into these beliefs by first believing this was SOME SORT OF LOVE. It doesn’t define you as weak, a fool, dumb or any of the above it is just a fact of what this abuse does. With all of that said what we are left with is a deep inner introspection we have to deal with or the process of becoming healthy again. The important thing here is what you will come to realize is that you have the ability to change and move forward after this abuse. Please trust me on this.
When it comes to understanding this love with a Narcissist, all we really had was an empty dream and a reflected image from this Narcissist of what we thought was love that was based on what we grew up believing was love that this Narcissist played back to us. We have seen this love all around us growing up and even experienced it and felt it before. This love was very strong and amazing in our mind and we superimposed that image right onto this Narcissist like he/she conned us into believing AND they reacted like it was the real thing and they even pretended to love us back because THAT made their façade work! Every little thing that they did to reinforce it ALSO enforced that ‘distorted truth’ we kept hanging onto as if it was real and part of that big dream we wanted or the love we believed in – but this dream turned into our worst nightmare! This belief always kept us at that safe distance and blinded from what was really happening and away from all of the lies, betrayal, manipulation, and hate that was really right there in front of us. Believing in them kept the painful reality at bay and disabled us a little bit more each and every day. At some point we must see the truth and accept it as well that it is impossible to love or be loved by the Narcissist.
The real picture will unfortunately reveal itself and you will hear things that will make you feel sick to your stomach. You will question yourself in so many ways and beat yourself up over all of it. Why didn’t you see this coming, why did you keep trying and hanging on to this monster? You will feel defective and worthless and maybe even deserving of all of this! It is not answerable in any one given manner as far as applying the fault to yourself. Let it go because that doesn’t help you achieve clarity, nor opens a door to move forward to recover from this toxic relationship. It only sends you deeper into this abuse by blaming yourself! Narcissists PLAY big time games and they are completely unavailable to ANYONE in this world. The person you were before was conned and the person you are now is still being conned and you MUST get away completely to achieve clarity and move on. In reality we all know it takes two to have a healthy relationship, and there were two in this relationship and one person was real, but unfortunately the other one pretended to be real because they had an agenda to make this real so they could use you and they were seamless with the game they played with you. Narcissists are made out of lies overlapping other lies to get at what they want from people and that is how we must look at them and leave them right there or within that very words that define them – LIARS and ABUSERS of life and people.
There are many internal messages that the abuse has imprinted on your mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had. These certain changes that took take place over the course of the abuse must be undone so you can become the person that you want to be, or the person you were before the abuse. The journey HAS to start with no/minimal contact. Greg
We are thrilled that NARCISSIST (the movie) is entered into the mySPOTLIGHT.TV filmmaking competition. The contest results are based on the most video-on-demand views received from September 16th – 26th, 2016. If haven’t seen this film (or would like to catch it again), this would be a wonderful and supporting opportunity to do so.
So proud of our friend Eric Casaccio and his film’s message that has brought a lot of people together. Make sure you check out his latest career advancement with Now Your Life, a virtual inspirational life coaching approach focusing on empowerment from narcissistic situations and envisioning your own picture window of life.
Good luck, Eric! We are all cheering for you!
To support this contest, watch NARCISSIST here: http://myspotlight.tv/watch/narcissist
(mySPOTLIGHT.TV is available on Apple TV 4, Roku and iOS)