There are many corrupt internal messages that the abuse has imprinted on your mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
After this relationship ends there will be psychological, emotional, as well as personal issues that you will have to deal with. This abuse is not just about the horrendous things your abuser did to you because that is now the past and the abusive aspect. What you are having to face is today and dealing with the damage from this abuse or things that have changed many of your perspectives concerning your belief system, thought processes, your worth, your mind and your heart. You adapted in a damaging way to become functional where there was no real function for you in this relationship because it was a desperate love that you were conditioned into believing you didn’t deserve because there was something wrong with YOU! The abuse manipulated you and managed you down in such a manner that it basically brain-washed you as well as traumatized you in the process of trying to achieve a cohesive or loving relationship. You were reacting to the fear of loss that was imposed on you to conform or be forced out by the Narcissist. It doesn’t define you as weak, a fool, dumb or any of the above it is just a fact of what this abuse does.
Many corrupt messages were delivered from this abuse that have been imprinted on your heart and mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had. These certain changes that took place over the course of the abuse must be undone so you can become the person that you want to be, or the person you were before the abuse.
There are many lists out there that basically describe what a victim/target of emotional and psychological abuse experiences so I wanted to put this out there as reference:
•constantly hearing that internalized and critical voice from the negative messages that were implanted into your head and heart from your abuser
•wondering why you are not feeling happier now that you have moved on and away from the abuse as you believe you should be feeling
•feelings of insecurity concerning how you appear to others, or feeling a need to always explain yourself, or just uncertainty of how you fit into this world
•feeling angry, suffering anxiety and depression and sometimes questioning your own sanity
•the feeling that time is passing you by and you are missing out on many things in your life or basically you are stuck in a dark and ominous void
•a strong feeling that you don’t want to be the person you are or overly sensitive to your situation
•feeling hesitant to accept your own perceptions about things as compared to before when you were very decisive about most everything
•a feeling like you want to run away or completely escape your present situation
•a sense of worthlessness and failure where before you felt confident with your abilities
•a loss of enthusiasm and spontaneity and trust of life
•living in a perpetually guarded state or always protecting yourself from being hurt through avoidance and isolation
•thinking and feeling that something is wrong with you
•constant soul searching and reviewing past incidents in the hope of determining what went wrong, even obsessing
•a strong loss of self-confidence compounded by a growing feeling of self-doubt and always feeling the need to apologize for who you are
•living in the future instead of the present, believing everything will be good when this, that, and whatnot happens – but you also feel it is not happening and you feel your life is basically over as it concerns finding true happiness again
•having a distrust of people, future relationships and settling that you may be alone because you are unlovable or don’t offer enough for another person to love you, or that you are worthless
Those are some of the things that may be cycling through your thoughts and mind. These disabling thoughts are directly related to the managing down, manipulation, and the negative messages from the abuse. These are the very things that you must conquer, desensitize or extinguish because if not you will be imprisoned by these messages forever. Becoming healthy again is replacing these distorted messages and returning to ‘the old you’ that existed before the abuse. The most important thing here is learning to trust and love yourself again and then reigniting those old belief systems BUT with new boundaries and introspection – this only happens with self-compassion and understanding that most if not all of these distorted thoughts came to you from a personality disordered person that you must now put out of your mind and life forever!
This abuse doesn’t stop the very day you walk away from a psychologically and emotionally abusive partner. It more than likely may continue to affect you long after you are out of the relationship until you completely educate yourself about this abuse or what psychological and emotional abuse is! It is unfortunate that you and I have had to experience this and are left disabled and damaged by our abuser BUT we can’t allow it to affect and destroy the remainder of our life by staying imprisoned with these thoughts. You were an amazing person before the abuse and you are going to be more than that when you recover and become a survivor with new boundaries and a new perspective when you get back to life and living again.
Psychological and emotional abuse is any judgement, from ANY source, that humiliates, undermines and paralyses you. People do have a right to comment on errors you have made, but they are NEVER justified in suggesting that those errors undermine your human worth or dehumanize you through a personal attack. If you think about your abuse with a Narcissist, this was a slow and insidious day by day and CONSTANT manipulation of your character. It was mixed with love and you were thrown a little bone now and then, but that was only to pull you back into the abuse and managed down more or negative conditioning. It was a horrendous manipulation of your mind, character and integrity by a disordered person, dehumanization and purely sadistic. They are the sick one here and not you but you have been damaged and disabled by your connection with them.
This abuse keeps you hyper focused on the past by only viewing the present and the future through the negative perspective of the abusive relationship or those negative messages that were forced into your head and heart. When you’re in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship, the Narcissist always reminded you of everything you have ever done wrong and basically told you that you will never change. They do this with the constant managing down with something new or old and remind you of it constantly. There was never much that was ever directed at you in a positive manner either, instead everything you did was devalued where you continually strived to do better in response to the devaluation and that became your normal with them. What did this make you feel like? Worthless! Basically it is the devaluation stage of the abuse and that is where these negative messages became imprinted on your mind! AGAIN – it is insidious and sadistic or dehumanization of a human being.
Psychological and emotional abuse basically brainwashes you into accepting whatever negative things your abuser said about you as real or your reality and worth as a person. They make you so vulnerable through the devaluation process that it confuses AND disables your reality which in turns undermines your own opinion of yourself AND then you believe they must be right because they are so relentless and angry about these so called things you do. The Narcissist is HEAVILY invested in their agenda to devalue you so they can maintain their power and control over you! Their attacks are traumatizing with their desperate convictions, lies, betrayal, accusations and so much more.
Narcissists do not think the same way the rest of us do as far as it concerns empathy, love, and support because it would allow us to be individuals that think independently or outside of their controlling and abusive nature. What is logical and reasonable to us, is the absolute opposite to them because it does NOT exist in their world. It’s one of the reasons healthy people get so frustrated and confused and ABUSED by Narcissists. We would never consider making someone angrier or more upset – especially someone we value and love. To the Narcissist making someone angrier, invalidating their concerns and using it against them is part of their agenda to devalue or abuse – it is basically controlling another person. Seriously they are only bullies and cowards that always lurk in the shadows to hide their real identity with their lies, manipulation and disordered lifestyle. Control is power in their world and the end result is ALWAYS abuse as it concerns people that have any connection to them! The process to recovery involves reversing the negative conditioning and desensitizing the horrendous messages that stole your reality, self-esteem, feeling of worth, and goodness. This all starts with no/minimal contact to achieve this clarity once more by ending the cycle of abuse with this Narcissist! Greg
From Filmmaker to Inspirational Life Coach, Eric Casaccio is Ready to Empower You from Your Own Narcissistic Situation
In an effort to provide quality information concerning support after narcissistic abuse, I spoke with our friend Eric about his Empowerment from Narcissistic Situations Life Coaching Program with Now Your Life. Please check out this informative interview concerning advancing after this abuse through a life coaching experience with Eric Casaccio, a primary example of how After Narcissistic Abuse, There is Light, Life & Love!
ANA: What made you advance your career from filmmaking to life coaching?
ERIC: This is such a great question. In fact, many friends have asked me the same question over and over again. While traveling on the film festival circuit with Narcissist (the Movie), I found myself more interested in meeting audience members in need of encouragement from being in narcissistic situations versus attending filmmaker-networking events. Yes, those glamorous events can be full of opportunities, but my heart was more drawn to the select few in need of inspiration versus making more contacts in the film industry. Taking time for the “select few” and having uplifting and inspiring conversations meant the world to them, hence; I was already doing some life coaching but didn’t realize it yet. I guess it was meant to be.
ANA: What inspired you to create the Now Your Life Empowerment from Narcissistic Situations Program?
ERIC: During several film festival question & answer segments, a lot of questions kept coming up like Have you ever thought of becoming a life coach specializing in guiding others who have been in narcissistic situations? As time passed, this suggestion kept showing up in all areas of my life, like the universe was trying to tell me something. After a well-attended screening in Atlanta, Georgia, a heartfelt one-on-one conversation took place with an audience member who had a horrific romance with a narcissist leading both of us to tears and soon after, a determination to find an appropriate educational program began. At first, none of the sought out educational options felt right. In fact, there was complete discouragement … discouragement until randomly meeting a life coach at the Big Apple Film Festival in NYC who strongly suggested looking into the Southwest Institute of the Healing Arts (SWIHA). A few days later, an in-depth goal orientated conversation with a counselor at SWIHA happened and everything came into full focus,… like I was home for the very first time. So, I guess, to sum over the answer to your question, it began with empathy for others who have been in narcissistic situations with the knowing on how one can overcome and empower themselves from that.
ANA: What is the best piece of advice you can personally give to anyone out there that is currently stuck or coming out of the web of a narcissistic situation?
ERIC: First and foremost, allow yourself to grieve, hence, give yourself permission to feel so you can eventually heal. I completely empathize and understand the horror of feeling victimized because yes, the person you have and/or had involvement with is manipulative, controlling, abusive, has no conscience, etc. etc. In fact, the trait list of someone with NPD is like a never-ending barrel of toxic waste we could obsess over for the rest of our lives, however, there is a tremendous opportunity to take the pain caused from a narcissist’s own self-projection and discover the power of rising above and reuniting with your true authentic self. As hard as it may be, it’s imperative to go within and ask what it
is about you that may have attracted and/or was attracted to this kind of situation and what can you do to make sure it doesn’t happen again. The answers within can demonstrate how your narcissistic situation may have happened so you can finally embrace your own importance, your own worth, and your own valuable life! Most importantly, forgive yourself and recognize it is not your fault and lovingly take back your power. As much as a narcissist may have used you, you can use what you learned and empower yourself by doing something amazing that may even bring awareness to others. Sometimes we have to go through darkness to find a true authentic light!
ANA: What is the difference between seeing a therapist and working with a life coach?
ERIC: This is another important question, especially for those who are in and/or coming out a situation with a narcissist. Generally, it’s best to seek out a therapist when one needs to work on past wounds that may or may not have attracted a narcissistic personality into their lives. The life coaching process focuses on honoring where a client is now and moving them forward. The job of a coach isn’t to change the client rather bring clarity and awareness to their journey (or situation) that can create an inspirational desire for change. Coaches hone in on powerful questioning combined with creative tools to collaborate and bring out the client’s answers already within themselves. These “A-HA” moments can bring encouraging shifts, empowering possibilities, and even healing during an enlightening self-exploration voyage.
ANA: What do you hope your clients will gain from your life coaching programs?
ERIC: The primary goal is to have all clients experience a heart-centered safe-space connection to enhance forward moving actions into their everyday lives. With the Empowerment from Narcissistic Situations Program, the goal is to experience those “A-HA” moments that bring clarity and awareness and eventually allows forgiveness on a journey back to one’s true self. I strive to have clients experience a genuine and faithful sense of empathy, positivity, honesty, safety, and creativity with each coaching session. It’s all about your authentic you at Now Your Life.
ANA: How can we find out more about Now Your Life and how can we view your acclaimed award-winning film, Narcissist?
If you would like to specifically find out more about the Empowerment from Narcissistic Situations Program, visit: https://www.nowyourlife.com/empowerment-from-narcissistic-situations/
Also, if you would like to schedule a free 20-minute consultation, visit: https://www.nowyourlife.com/free-life-coaching-session/
Narcissist (the Movie) is available on-demand worldwide with mySPOTLIGHT.TV (with Apple TV 4, Roku and iOS) and dotSTUDIOPRO. The film is also available in the USA, UK, Japan & Germany with Amazon Video Direct.
ANA: Eric, thank you for the great information.
ERIC: You are more than welcome. It’s been a pleasure!
View “Narcissist” (the Movie) by clicking on the streaming platform icons (below to the left) and visit the official Now Your Life website by clicking on the ocean image (below to the right)
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Those can be a very tough questions to answer while you are directly in a relationship with a Narcissist. What I CAN say is that I was tricked by the best of the best as far as Narcissist’s go so my answer(s) came AFTER the fact. So to start, most people assume that there are some normal or common ground rules when we are connecting to one another in whatever capacity of relationship we are in or basically just part of the human connection in this space we share on earth. However, it is VERY important to know the LACK of any real emotional and moral depth as it concerns a Narcissist (usually something we are not taught in school). IT is also imperative to understand that they are a predator that is adept at disguising themselves and charming (brainwashing) their prey into believing they have these normal qualities so that they can pull them into what can only be described as an abusive agenda. Unfortunately, the lesson is served and learned AFTER the fact. So now it is even more important to internalize these words and to move FORWARD by accepting the real truth that you already know from being in this relationship. It will also save you many steps in your recovery if you work from the truth instead of going backwards and searching for some sort of glimmer of hope to rekindle some sort of empty connection with them because that is all it amounts to. If you have to write it all out with the pros and cons then please do it so you have that truth written down and right in front of you. They don’t change, they don’t EVER apologize for their reality, they just don’t have the capacity to change nor do they want to. There are no other answers that you need beside the truth of YOUR personal situation.
The most important aspect NOW is convincing ourselves that this was a Narcissist and we were abused so that we get our ‘ah ha’ moment to move forward by putting energy into healing ourselves. Until we get there we will only remain in a confused state, blaming ourselves and reaching back to find out what WE did wrong (or more like what we were conditioned into believing we did wrong). This only adds our own personal layers to this abuse and that is just as damaging to us as if that Narcissist was right there in front of us blaming us again. What I can say through my experience is that everything does fall into place, but the process takes education, time, real support from other targets/victims and a personal commitment of OUR energy to purge all of the negativity out of us before we move forward. Don’t forget we can and may fall backwards and that again is just part of the process and we learn from our mistakes. There is also the overwhelming exhaustion from carrying so much anxiety and the trauma and that surfaces as physical ailments – so much to deal with and then there is more than likely a ‘smear campaign’ that is waiting for us and SUDDENLY we are the bad guy.
It is a rocky road to recovery and that is a given because this was abuse. We stumble because it is an unfamiliar process to us and there are still things out there that we discover on our road forward. That Narcissist has been out there destroying your integrity with that SMEAR CAMPAIGN and well before the relationship ended. They have slandered you in every possible way just through knowing personal aspects of your life and using that familiarity to fuel their smear campaign by making it negative and sourcing out people to pit against you. Again for now you have to put all of that on the back burner to get out of the immediate fog. Believe me that the people that listen to a Narcissist’s BS are not worth your time. Anybody that buys the Narcissists lies and gossip without allowing you to be present to tell the truth and defend yourself are just as disordered and toxic as the Narcissist. In the end I didn’t lose the people I loved that were real and important in my life. What I can say from my experience is that I had to prioritize and my well-being had to come first to get to a healthy place before I took on more of the ambient chaos, crazy making and abuse. Again still part of the process from this abuse – but understanding it at least allows CLARITY and starts us out and into a good direction.
Who could EVER believe the truth that presented itself to us and lives in us about this abuse OR how someone just used us for the time they did and how they were inclined to destroy us as well. It is still hard for me to accept, but I know better because I lived through it and the truth is right there to back it up. What I can’t believe is that there are human beings capable of this and as a normal person with empathy it is not within my realm to understand them! But more importantly what I learned is that I don’t have to ‘get it’ so completely, I just had to understand it and accept the truth to forget about that Narcissist because they are what they are and that HAD to be enough to get OUT of the cycle of this sadistic emotional and psychological abuse – I HAD TO SET MYSELF FREE! Knowing and believing this enables you to move forward and work on everything else that involves getting healthy. Don’t waste your time on getting into their heads, or trying to understand them, or trying to fix THEM because you are only denying the truth YOU ALREADY KNOW! It is now time for you to get past this psychological abuse so you can enter back into a great world feeling healthy! It is a necessity to focus on yourself!
What about ALL of those memories and the time you spent together, the plans, goals, dreams, holidays and fun. Well let’s put a little spin on that. How much fun, love, bonding, etc., comprised the relationship from day one to the final discard. Perhaps 1/1000th of it and even that was probably lies and manipulation too. Personally I didn’t have fun past the first year. Seriously I was a full time baby sitter and servant to a mean and spoiled child. I spent more of my time dealing with justifications and bending over backwards to try to fix what was unfixable. I felt like I was always in the corner sitting on a stool getting my verbal beatings and told how awful I was because this so called relationship was purely a desperate love. This type of relationship is disabling and crushes a person’s soul!
I had those same questions too like wondering if I was crazy, insane, or ‘off my rocker?’ Probably so but not by choice. The effects of the slow abuse took me there day by day. I became disabled because I was meant to be taken there by this destructive and abusive person. That is victimization – and even as much as I hate that word it is the REAL definition and I had to understand it or stay frozen in denial. It helped me understand the process and then the rest of it was up to me as far as my personal responsibility, new boundaries, and moving forward. I have found those wounded parts of me that helped me understand my part and I worked through them. I separated the facts with the TRUTH and I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS ABUSE, nor am I am crazy, or felt that this is all I deserved, or anything like that! Clarity is what gave me the opportunity to put this into perspective. No contact gave me the opportunity to stop the chaos and find my footing again.
There are drugs that paralyze the mind that predators use on their victims, and then there is manipulation that brainwashes a person’s mind. One is quick (the drug) and the other (manipulation) is a slow and insidious process administered over time, but both methods essentially do the same thing to the target/victim and that is altering their state of consciousness with a destructive agenda that is meant to control and dehumanize the target/victim by debilitating their normal thought processes. So we don’t (and didn’t) react as a healthy person would. Yes, this was betrayal and a huge con job that was psychological terrorism or psychological rape. Both designate the same meaning that this was mediated by a highly dysfunctional person with an agenda to extort through disabling a person’s mind. Yes, I defined this using a different angle, but it does put the definition of this abuse in a shocking but realistic portrayal. I guess I am saying this to help targets/victims get a stronger sense of this abuse to help lead them to their ‘ah ha’ moment. This is dehumanization and subjugation of a human being and WRONG no matter what. It is a disaster as far as it concerns us personally and we have to come out of this as a whole person again and this must be our goal.
The Narcissist does not even REMOTELY consider the person who is their supply as a person at all. They compartmentalize all of their sources and create different worlds for each person to get constant and REVOLVING supply. We naturally minimize the truth by believing we are the only person in a relationship with them because we NEVER really see the whole picture and the Narcissist makes it so by controlling us to keep believing. Furthermore, a Narcissist does not allow individuality in a person because they objectify us and categorize us by what we can provide for them or how they can benefit from us – we all have our separate roles to support them! They are a parasite and you are the host and they will suck every ounce of life out of you that they can and THAT is why you have to get them out of your life completely.
Anyone – be it a male or female that expresses and type of awe, wonderment, gratitude or praise for the Narcissist’s accomplishments and performance, OR their looks, skills, talent or anything else is readily accepted and pulled into their world. Anyone that expresses complete and unending gratitude for anything/everything the Narcissist has ever done for them, said to them, or told them is also readily accepted and pulled into their world. Also anyone who expresses sympathy and agreement with the Narcissist’s self-perception that he/she is God’s gift to an undeserving world. Anyone who shows complete adoration and compliments/supports the Narcissist for their amazing mind, body, special spiritual connections, job, car, home, clothing, style, and wisdom, etc. Anyone willing to give up their time, MONEY, attention, or life in order to meet all the Narcissist’s needs. Anyone who will acknowledge that the Narcissist is completely entitled, special and above people so much so that they (Narcissist) should not be subject to normal rules, regulations, or laws. Anyone willing to join the Narcissist’s team, and show righteous indignation for his/her suffering, which is FAR greater than most and always undeserved no matter what! Anyone that will join the Narcissist’s battle to destroy people they have intentionally harmed as well as support their destructive agenda. Anyone who shows complete agreement that the Narcissist is so special, misunderstood by the entire world, and under-appreciated. Anyone that is willing to overlook the occasional, or repeated violations and exploitation of them for any reason becomes special and ARE ACCEPTED AND PULLED INTO THE NARCISSIST’S WORLD and become SUPPLY! None of us are better than the next source or previous source, WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT FORMS OF SUPPLY period. Everybody is a puppet that the Narcissist manipulates to create their false world. Look behind the Narcissist and you will see many puppets they have used/destroyed and then thrown into the garbage after they have served their purpose! The Narcissist even sources out their minions to support that the Narcissist is innocent in ANY wrong doing so they can bury you alive with more lies! NOW ask yourself what part of any of this would you want to participate in.
One thing that is very important to understand and that is to differentiate between what you believe is love and the reality of the Narcissist’s TRUE agenda. Narcissists will cling to you as their main source of supply as long as you are serving them and giving your all! But the second they find someone with more supply than you, they are gone and they have damaged you, your integrity, and your life and extorted most everything that they could get away with. They will leave you in a heartbeat and never look back as well as blame you as being the problem. They will leave their biological children behind as well so they can move on to their next source and a new family and community to support them. These creatures JUST DON’T care because everyone is just an object. Unfortunately, you also loved them and believed in them and somehow thought that if you gave everything you could things would change or perhaps the Narcissist would change! No they were reaping the benefits of their agenda and game plan and sucking your life dry. THIS is the extent of the relationship with them – that huge image of LOVE that you have spent many years developing with them, pursuing, tendering, holding onto, etc., is what they used to COMPLETELY support their agenda to make sure they were able to tap you as another source for of SUPPLY. The Narcissist’s manipulation tactics were seamless enough to fool you so COMPLETELY! This is the whole truth in a nutshell that you have to accept as reality even after all the time you put into them. It is not easy to accept this truth but we must if we want to break that emotional bond that they tricked us into believing was real. You have to stop believing anything about them or they will keep coming back for more because this is what they do, BUT THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE OR STOP ABUSING AND EXTORTING! No/minimal contact to start on your journey to recovery. Greg
Narcissists push your buttons like you are an elevator, up and down always keeping you off balance and never knowing what level you are on.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
THE NARCISSIST (having one of their heart to heart conversations): “You CAN trust me! You can confide in me. I am so glad you trust me enough to talk like this. Talk to me anytime you need a listening ear, I am here for you. I am always on your side! You can tell me anything. I will help you out ALWAYS, just open up to me! Don’t worry because I always have your back. I love you so much and am ALWAYS here for you!” Or if you are a friend or family member the “love bombing” is appropriately adjusted to your position in their life.
Answer or participate in any of these ‘poison conversations’ and you are allowing a Narcissist to uncover your deepest and darkest secrets and insecurities AND they will exploit them completely. They will even fuel a conversation to manipulate you into ‘providing’ personal information about a situation or a person to extort the knowledge and use it against you. What is carefully hidden under their ‘fake’ empathy is an agenda to manipulate and exploit those weaknesses and use them against you in any number of different ways. They will call upon this personal information AT ANY TIME to dehumanize you and invalidate you. They will use your ‘innermost thoughts and secrets’ against you, make themselves ‘in the know’ about personal issues with ‘others’ and negatively triangulate with friends, family and co-workers with that ‘very personal’ information they have gained through sharing. They will withhold their support by knowing and using your weaknesses OR use every bit of personal information against you to manage you down and abuse you psychologically. Calling this a personality disorder is only defining the tip of the iceberg – what is hidden beneath the water is what most people don’t understand as the truth about how disordered and destructive these creatures are!
Narcissists are “crazy-makers” and they thrive on negative and debilitating drama through the manipulation of real facts, lies, triangulating, backstabbing, betrayal, etc. This is all to support the crazy-maker’s agenda to divide and conquer, harm and disable, and essentially destroy people and situations. This is their mechanism to divert reality on a ‘one to one’ (personal level) and within the very groups (organizations) of people they interact with. Wherever and whenever they are present most people have to walk on eggshells and they feel an impending sense of doom. Most EVERY situation can be part of their agenda to support and create their drama. BUT they are stealth operators and can camouflage their crazy making in a manner that it never seems to originate from them as adversity. It is a care or concern and they are just mentioning this to perhaps ‘help out’ but is purely steered and driven by the Narcissist as a destructive agenda to gain control over every situation in life – basically it is backstabbing!
A crazy-maker is someone who makes you feel crazy by constantly stirring up trouble and causing a negative outcome from their involvement and presence in ANY given situation. ‘Normal’ doesn’t serve a Narcissist and their need for power and control, but CHAOS and ‘crazy making’ does! They are always the problem, but nothing is ever their fault.
They cannot sit down and experience a normal or real moment, a memory, or a connection to real happiness within themselves or reflect about their life because there are NONE, only envy of what they can’t achieve, what they don’t have, and what they WANT. Their inner world is angry, dark and lacks complete empathy. They don’t have any internal mechanisms to love or care about anybody so instead they feed their eternal neediness and pathological nature through extreme manipulation and extort what they can from life and people. They create chaos and destruction with their abusive manners to make other’s feel their emptiness as if to pay for their misery and disconnection from real happiness and life. They imitate our good reality to draw us into their life and then into their personal misery by abusing what they can’t ever achieve – our goodness and ability to love.
If they can successfully harm our good intentions and mock our empathy it allows them to deny their own destructive nature and world by making us assume their misery and darkness. Misery loves company as they say and a Narcissist needs to prove to themselves that everyone else is the miserable and the destructive creature that they are through delusional deception and destruction. They use us like a filter to diffuse their negativity and assume our goodness, empathy and love as their own. They wear us like a disguise to walk among the good people to constantly find more and more supply to harvest. Without a mask (false) of real empathy and love, their darkness would expose them and people would avoid every aspect of their being!
They jump from relationship to relationship to create or re-create the security or family they can never have. The pattern is to secure a new person to have constant supply available, morph into this person’s world with the pretense of love, they become bored with the situation because they are UNABLE to have a real relationship built on love, they deny any fault as being their own because they lack all empathy so they blame, devalue, dehumanize, destroy and discard and then move on and REPEAT this cycle with someone new. They never assume any responsibility that they HAD love and a real family BUT destroyed it to support their out-of-control world and perverse actions it was just part of their charade. If you were able to look at their past life in a chronological order you would only see destroyed people and relationships that were all cycles of the same abuse repeated over and over again, and it would stretch back over their entire life.
They create scenarios to discover your weakness or fears, and store them away to manipulate you later. They don’t use language as communication, it is for hiding, deflecting, avoiding, masking, & manipulating because their charm is completely false. They take pride in their own righteousness and rightness. They attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They NEVER believe they make mistakes even when they proof is right there in front of them. They have an innate inability to feel, process or truly understand shame from the negative and hurtful things they do to others – they can only blame and apply fault to everybody else. Contradict them a few times and you will feel their out of control Narcissistic rage.
Their conversations and interactions aren’t meant to enlighten, but to confuse, control, and consistently create drama. They are a huge VOID, working to get whatever they can from you – basically they extort life and lives. They expect you to lend a listening ear and give them complete approval. They use emotional withdraw and silencing to create guilt, compliance and control. They will betray personal information and secrets to feel more powerful. They will manipulate and use flattery or protests of their innocence (crying, pleading, and begging) like a stealth weapon to achieve their agenda and get their way. They will use verbal skills to block or deflect accountability for their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle and sift blame onto YOU. They impact lives negatively but miraculously escape exposure even appearing to have some positive effect and you end up the negative aspect of the relationship with them.
Their subconscious mind is where they create a delusional and false ego from which they relate to the whole world. They are their own fictitious creation and story that can change to fit into any and every situation as long as it supports THEIR agenda and you provide them with some sort of service they want AND need (we are only supply to them!)
Real relationships don’t exist for them because people are an expendable objects or supply that they harvest to meet all of their needs and then discard when they have gotten all they can. We are all only part time players on the Narcissist’s stage along with many others. They need primary and secondary supply every waking moment, so they will create one on one relationships to have continual supply and then secure whatever other supply they can from the rest of the world.
They are capable of having more than one relationship going on at the same time with neither participant being the wiser. REMEMBER they are insatiable and inexhaustible as far as their need for supply so the world is like a huge department store for them to get what they need at any time. Unfortunately, their envy of all man/womankind also drives them to destroy those that have realistically believed in them or loved them because they abhor our realty and love because they can’t be anything but the mindless and soulless monster they are. Simply calling this a personality disorder does not aptly describe the hate they display for life and people – the destruction they inflict does describe what and who they are AND it is criminal!
Their sole pursuit is their omnipotence or to be seen as God’s gift to the world through pathological deception and destructive acts but in reality they are only hiding a very damaged and dark world. There is no ‘fixing’ them and this is evidenced by the many people that have offered unconditional love to them only to be rejected and destroyed through their efforts. Love can and will heal all and if it doesn’t then it is beyond human capacity to change a person that is this devoid of the natural goodness of life and they are only soulless creatures. Ask yourself why they imitate love, or why they wear it as part of their disguise if not to achieve their destructive agenda. They know it well enough to use it but obviously they can’t be it. Unfortunately, it is a tough lesson with a Narcissist because the result is emotional and psychological abuse. You must gain the knowledge and education to accept this as the truth to be able to move totally on and away from EVERYTHING Narcissist and to gain your real life back after experiencing this abuse. No/minimal contact! Greg
You can’t have reality in a situation or relationship where there is none, especially a situation that is embellished with toxic behavior to push your buttons, play with your emotions and manipulate you to your lowest level like that with a NARCISSIST.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
One of the most obvious signs of malignant Narcissism is the way they constantly malign others. They are constantly remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider that love should never hurt a person nor take them down a road of destruction. Ultimately love can make us sad when we lose a loved one but that is the reality of unconditional love when someone near to us is suffering, or we lose them completely – and that is more or less grieving a REAL connection between two normally functioning people. Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist is psychological and emotional abuse MEANT to intentionally harm and damage a target/victim that the Narcissist has chosen as their prey – it by no means is anything near a conventional and loving relationship. Real love grows and doesn’t diminish another person’s spirit. Always remember that the love that you felt for this person was as much a part of the psychological abuse (love bombing) as was the devaluation stage. This was all the tools of the Narcissist’s trade – brain-washing, extreme manipulation, gas-lighting, pathological lying, hideous betrayal, many sexual partners, etc., or the cycle of abuse with a Malignant Narcissist.
Narcissists manipulate in a manner to control their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything – this is chaos and crazy making meant to confound their target’s normal thoughts. This can be very evident at times, because it is a downright shocking situation and we have all been there shaking our heads in disbelief at what they have said or acted on. It can also be very subtle with many small manipulative and dehumanizing actions that disassemble the target/victims well-being slowly and methodically. BUT it is so perplexing that people actually disbelieve their very ears and more than often we dismiss it and justify it by thinking it is anger, a bad day, insecurity, jealousy, or they have some wrong information about us – BUT it is constant and consistent behavior meant to debase us. Unfortunately, we spend our time trying to fix the situation and avoiding the truth that this is just one of their tools in their vast arsenal of control and ultimately ABUSE. Little by little this behavior erodes the target/victim’s self-worth and creates an almost obsessive situation where the target/victim is constantly trying to avoid the conflict, keeping things peaceful, and walking on eggshells. There is never the opportunity for a “healthy self” in this relationship and you become a casualty of the constant psychological terrorism or abuse – essentially you become a shell of a person.
A simple example to drive the point home – the Narcissist inexplicably gets angry at what should be a pleasing and positive moment. You expected a little gratification or a smile from something very special that you may have done, and – WHAM – you get a reaction that invalidates every ounce of time and energy you put into this ‘special thing’. The reaction totally invalidates the ‘good will’ that you created that was an act of your caring or love. It sets you off AND into a state of confusion, doesn’t it? You are wondering just how something so good and natural could be turned around into something that meets such disapproval. You know that there is no possible way that you meant anything more than extending your love or appreciation in a normal manner but you are left shocked over the Narcissists reaction. In turn you say something and that Narcissist gets mad at YOU for their toxic treatment of your grand gesture.
Here is an ‘ah ha’ moment and guess what? That is exactly what the Narcissist wanted – a negative reaction to debase you. I call this their ‘hit and run’ diversion. It is intended to make you feel a multitude of things, but basically invalidated and derailed like a train wreck. This small example really outlines the dynamics of the slow and insidious abuse that a Narcissist USES to debase and destroy their targets self-esteem. Remember that this relationship started out with so much love (love bombing) that had you dependent upon a day to day ‘loving’ relationship with them. This dependency was not ABNORMAL as in “co-dependent,” but instead what a normal growing relationship naturally evolves into. Yes, there are co-dependent targets/victims but even the strongest person can fall prey to the psychological abuse from a Narcissist.
We normally grow close to someone that is a major part of our life on a day to day basis as it concerns a romantic relationship with two people committing to each other. BUT the Narcissist has shrewdly put their plan into effect with manipulating you to fall for them to create this ‘loving’ relationship which in reality is one sided and has nothing to do with them being any part of it. Call this stage ‘one’ of the abuse whereby they have gained your complete trust and you have handed them your heart, soul, psyche and maybe even gave them the key to your front door. Now they will just pillage everything they can from you and that includes psychological terrorism to keep you numb until they finish the job of abusing you and extorting all of the supply they can. BUT the grand lesson is that this is more or less like slow torture that brain washes the target/victim and over time this is what damages a person at such a deep and unconscious level. The target/victim is ALWAYS left in an ultra-confused state trying to reclaim what they believed was real love as well as battling the day to day manipulations. Narcissists continually repeat this process with everyone to trap their targets/victims with amazing charm and then they NUMB them and ultimately disable them and destroy them as well. As long as there is a supply of ‘blood’ (just a descriptive use of words and not reality) for this emotional vampire to take from you they will continue to do so until you cut the supply off or they find another source of supply.
You can’t have reality in a situation where there is none, especially a situation that is embellished with toxic behavior to push your buttons, play with your emotions and manipulate you to your lowest level. The Narcissist will ultimately step up the game of their abuse with betrayal, many sexual indiscretions, pathological lies, gas-lighting, etc., but again this starts out as a slow and very ambiguous abuse. Unfortunately, it disables the target/victim’s capacity to function normally within the relationship and then it is too late because the target/victim is somewhere between their emotional connection (love) and the vast confusion caused by the debasing and dehumanizing psychological warfare. REMEMBER that a Narcissist is addicted to any and all sources of supply so the betrayal factor is big within your relationship with them.
Targets/victims are unaware that they have been living in what can only be compared to as an active battle zone. Most are unaware what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is or that it is a highly effective abuse from a predator. Victims of Narcissistic abuse will over time display symptoms of trauma, avoidance behavior, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or eating difficulties, irritability, hyper-vigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness, psychosomatic illnesses, self-harming, and even thoughts of suicide. Targets/victims express deep seeded feelings of worthlessness, humiliation, shame, and self-blame. They have been conditioned to take responsibility for the Narcissist’s despicable behavior because they are constantly told they are the source of every problem and everything is their fault but yet they want to support, defend, and love this person (the Narcissist) despite what they have gone through. It almost becomes an addiction because abuse creates a toxic and unhealthy environment which in turn creates an unhealthy mind for the target/victim. The psychological abuse creates this unhealthy pattern of ‘Narcissist pleasing’ or the clinical ‘walking on eggshells’. Basically the target/victim becomes TOTALLY DEPENDANT on the Narcissist or what may seem like being addicted to them to return this back to a cohesive and good relationship. The reason behind this is that the silent threat of abuse is always present with the debasing and dehumanizing and it is just too painful for the target/victim AND an automatic coping mechanism against overwhelming stress. We avoid the pain because it is so deeply engrained in us and that became our ‘normal’ or all we know from the daily emotional abuse, so like the addict we look for relief from ANY fix or the hope that things could turn back to the way they were – unfortunately they never will. Seriously it is like living in a battle zone and trying to deflect from all of the harm that surrounds us.
This abuse is NOT limited to ‘love’ relationships only. Narcissists can be family members like a mother/father, brother/sister, boss/co-worker, friend/relative or anyone for that matter. Targets/victims are often victimized by more than one person as well because they have only learned or known this dehumanizing abuse all of their lives. They internalize that something is wrong with them and end up feeling like they deserve this kind of abuse, and then resign themselves to their fate. Targets/victims may not reach their potential in their personal or professional lives because they always have to stand in the shadow of their abuser(s) – and that is all they have ever known in the case of Narcissistic parents. They learn to live in the shadows without knowing why – and that why is the debasing control from abuse at the hands of a Narcissist.
OK – YOU CAN BEAT THIS! You have the ability to unlearn what the Narcissist has conditioned you into believing about yourself. That old saying “A horse can be led to water but they can’t be made to drink it” – well let’s change that a little bit and say “A horse can be led to water and taste it, drink it and swallow it – BUT it can stop drinking it – so walk completely away from it and not only find a better watering hole BUT greener pastures and other fully functioning horses.” You have to do this so that you aren’t stuck in a fog of lies that will only guide your life in a negative and destructive direction. What the Narcissist has internalized in you can be EXTERNALIZED. Move yourself away from any level of this abuse by knowing that you and only you can change and find normality and the reality of a better life. Say no to the Narcissist, say no to the messages in your head that say you are not worthy, SAY NO TO THE ABUSE. Those negative words and debasing actions are only a curse/spell that the Narcissist casts out on the world and it can’t stick if the Narcissist doesn’t have you under his/her spell. Once you have the education that enables you to see the very truth about this abusive Narcissist, you can remove yourself and break the spell. You have the power to govern your future and what you will do with your life. You have to take all of that power AWAY from the Narcissist and give it back to yourself. Yes of course no-contact – but when you have to have minimal contact use the truth to really see the emotional and psychological abuse that is standing in front of you and disengage in your mind from any thought, words or actions they send your way because they are like bullets from a gun and meant to harm! Greg
The processes the Narcissist utilizes to obtain, preserve, and accumulate supply is just an imaginary environment, and a comfort zone, invented by the Narcissist for their COMPLETE convenience.
A Narcissist’s world is all a product of his/her own imagination and appearances are all that really count. The Narcissist ONLY wants objects in his/her world that will NOT contradict the illusions he/she creates. A Narcissist wants to control your behavior and your way of thinking and if you contradict this image in the slightest way the Narcissist will rage at you and maybe even annihilate you from disturbing the delicate balance of their disordered world. You are there to serve them in their game and make them look good and support their omnipotence even if the lie they tell you reduces you to the biggest fool in the world. This comes at a great cost to the target/victim that bought into and believed the big façade.
OK, so all of this sounds like we would be the biggest fools in the world to believe any Narcissist, so why do we? How does the Narcissist get people to buy into or believe his/her boldfaced lies? Well because there are good lies that make us feel amazing and create positive emotions and then there are the bad lies that disable us AND our standing with them that will put us back in our place when we seek individuality or question their accountability or anything that questions their authority in our world. It is basic conditioning and it works like this – we want continuity because we are normal individuals and basically the Narcissist does this in a very confounding manner with that little bit of love bombing that they through in their after they have managed us down. BUT it is the betrayal that catches up to them as well as the lies they use to cover up their out-of-control lifestyle. However, we give them the benefit of the doubt because we try to apply normalcy and logic and we love them and THEY LOVE US – don’t they?
It is sort of like positive and negative reinforcement, or similar to training your dog to sit, stand and roll over. But if it were a Narcissist that pooch will get an intermittent treat when it listens attentively, but when it barks out of turn that poor pooch gets yelled at and punished with silence and isolation in its carrier – AND- ultimately with a Narcissist they will just abandon that poor pooch because they lack empathy and cannot bond to anything. That pup learns to walk on eggshells to please its master and get that treat not really knowing that its master is just cruel and enjoys the power of being in charge or controlling that sweet and loving pup. Unfortunately, humans do not respond to a ‘master,’ nor will they accept punishment, silence, or isolation and will eventually use their voice to express this/
An example to drive this point a little further! Out of the blue the Narcissist has spoken to you in a demeaning and abusive manner OR treats you like dirt. You tell OR maybe even demand that this Narcissist not talk to you or treat you that manner. That Narcissist will deny having said what they said perhaps even saying that YOU are overreacting and just too sensitive. It is an immediate reflexive response to deflect the blame right back onto you. That Narcissist is NEVER wrong so It will also be turned around and put in a new direction to make the reaction stick until you get it. You can count on this response every single time – or again basic manipulation and conditioning.
Being amoral or just numb to the existence of morality as far as their integrity goes is based solely on what the Narcissist wants – it is ALWAYS about them and THEIR needs. It is like a cantankerous, irrational three-year-old child throwing a tantrum. The Narcissist never gives up the argument. That Narcissist is standing there in front of you to win. If you engage the Narcissist, he/she will pull you down to their level. Keep engaging in an argument with a Narcissist and he/she brings it down to another level, and another level AND to a level lower than you care to stoop to, so you just stop then and there because it is just futile to go on anymore. The Narcissist has no self-respect, and behaving this way is not beneath them.
Now you are standing in front of them and they look like big boys and girls (adults) but they are dragging you back to your days at the playground and if you don’t play exactly the way they want you to play “make believe” they will throw you off of the merry-go-round. I learned this early on to disengage with my Narcissist or an argument could go on for days AND this Narcissist would easily resort to making fun of me or whatever it took to take me down. It is control pure and simple. Clinically we get here and engage in their fantasy world because it is like having a fairy Godmother/father that appears one day with their magic wand and gives us unbounding love (love bombing actually.) The Narcissists play world and castle then starts to crumble and we try to duck and protect ourselves to avoid the fallout and we get devalued and discarded for doing so.
In all honesty a Narcissist only has the mentality of a playground bully. They incorporate other kids that are weaker and smaller than them with threats to join in on their imaginary games or else. There will always be someone that asserts their individuality in the playground and that Narcissist will gang up on and harm whomever with the help of their little gang. Be assured you will be run off of that playground just for being you and not buying into the Narcissistic bullying, dysfunction and games. You may even get the Narcissist’s Mommy knocking at your door and really get in trouble.
But, no matter how big a lie or how big a fit the Narcissist throws if you allow it you are enabling the Narcissist’s lies and that is a huge mistake no matter what the cost is to you otherwise. It facilitates the Narcissist’s delusions, and it gives them a power rush and CONTROL. Thus the Narcissists is cramming his/her delusion through insults to your intelligence down your throat. You are spoiling that Narcissistic brat/bully and allowing the monster to grow and take over completely. Unfortunately, people make this mistake because of the Narcissists GOOD (but fake) qualities that preempted the appearance of this raging bully.
The process of the Narcissist seeking supply requires excitement and drama and can’t be deemed by the Narcissist to be common. The excitement and drama generated must be truly unique, ground breaking, breathtaking, overwhelming, unprecedented, and, under no circumstances, routine to the Narcissist. It has to be AMAZING so that the Narcissist is special, meaningful and significant!
The processes the Narcissist utilizes to obtain, preserve, and accumulate supply is just an imaginary environment, and a comfort zone, invented by the Narcissist. It has clear geographical and physical boundaries and the Narcissist keeps complete inventory of people, places and events. The Narcissist assigns what each and every person’s role is and he/she keeps everyone isolated from each other so nobody becomes all the wiser to his/her lies and make believe world The Narcissist compartmentalizes everybody by virtue of the needs that the Narcissist assigns!
The narcissist strives to maximize the amount of Narcissistic Supply that he/she can obtain from the people within his/her environment. The Narcissist MUST seek out and have total admiration, adoration, approval, and applause at all times. The Narcissist will step it up to even fabricate fame and notoriety with outrageous lies of achievement. None of it is real, it is all contrived and imagined – a concocted and forced ‘uniqueness’ that most people unfortunately fall for and that is the trap we fall into.
The Narcissist makes an investment based on people whose role is designed to applaud, admire, adore, approve and attend to the Narcissist’s every need. Extracting this Narcissistic Supply calls for emotional and cognitive investments from us that are overwhelming and disabling to our well-being. In turn it provides the Narcissist stability, perseverance, long-term presence, attachment, forced collaboration, unreal emotional agility (Narcissist fakes this), and people skills and so on and so forth. Basically it supports their façade and it makes them seem real to us and the world. Unfortunately, nobody can be held to the Narcissists rigid standards and out of control and constant needs so we all fall short of their expectations and graces far too easily because they get bored. We can’t live life as a statue for the Narcissist to adorn his/her façade, because we live, breath and think as an individual human being in a world where interactions are real and our right to express without being punished for just being WHO WE ARE.
So we are merely objects in their make believe world or supply. We are substitutes for them having a real life, a real vocation or actual achievements. We displace the emotional rewards of intimacy for the Narcissist with whatever role we were designed for. The Narcissist’s permanent existence in fantasyland is based on us and intended to shield him/her from the real self-destructive urges that they act on. They do for a fact act on every urge they have but it is in direct opposition to what they make us believe is real and that is where our conflict begins – holding them accountable for the lies and promises. Our role is to accept the lies and promises, to believe this was love no matter what – and the ‘what’ is horrendous abuse. It is always a growing disappointment and disillusionment for us because we get caught up in the Narcissists delusions of grandeur and reality, and it is really ugly for us when we experience this.
The Narcissist feels that he/she is entitled to special, immediate, and preferential treatment. The Narcissist demands to be recognized as outstanding, talented, and unique ALWAYS and everyone HAS to acknowledge their uniqueness or else. The Narcissist does not see why this recognition should depend on his/her achievements and efforts and feels unique by virtue of his/her sheer existence so they prefabricate anything and everything to be who they want to be.
Additionally, the Narcissist is simply unable to behave in certain ways because he/she is in constant need of all the supply available to SEEM REAL and the Narcissist always gets tangled up in their own web of deceit. The Narcissist just can’t get attached, be intimate, persevere in a relationship, be stable, predictable, or reliable because it is too limiting to them because they rely on CONSTANT EXTERNAL stimulation. It protects the Narcissist from being held accountable for anything and from being abandoned. The Narcissist anticipates the inevitable destruction of every connection he/she makes with any other human being, because life with a Narcissist is purely an emotionlessness journey with them that is laced with pathological dishonesty and ABUSE.
The basic conflict is that the two mechanisms the Narcissist employs to achieve supply are distorted and incompatible in reality. The Narcissist must establish some form of relationship to secure Narcissistic supply and to feed their addiction with continuous gratification as well as to conceal their darkness – BUT – the Narcissist can’t embark on any real relationship because that requires empathy and the ability to bond or love which is impossible for them. The Narcissist doesn’t possess any mechanism to love/bond and only offers a reflection of love that is empty, void and fails every time. Along the same lines the plan also fails because of this conflict that exists and we end up paying for it. The Narcissist needs people to feed their Narcissistic Supply but he/she can’t create that connection or associate with any person in an emotionally meaningful way so basically they reduce everyone to an object and move on when we have served our purpose. In the end, the very people who are seduced into their life to sustain the Narcissists grandiose fantasies through their adoration and attention will always find the Narcissist repulsive and too dangerous to interact with after the truth becomes apparent that love and life with a Narcissist is one big lie. The Narcissist is always on the run because their agenda and plan always fails miserably but WE pay the huge price of being abused! Knowledge and education are so important and getting the word out there that these personality disordered Narcissists are dangerous to people. This abuse is NEVER singular and affects, families, organizations or ALL people. No/Minimal contact to stop the chaos and crazy making that their lies create within our time with them. Greg
Narcissists are just seamless with their lies, commitment stories, manipulation, etc. It isn’t until AFTER you are taken in that the mask starts to slip and the personality disordered ‘critter’ rears its ugly face IN PRIVATE and after all of your emotions are in place and connecting or loving them.
Narcissists DO find their ideal victims, and usually they are emotionally giving, very caring, kind, loving and selfless – basically good people like YOU and I. Generally, people that are centered in life and good natured, AND also loaded with positive empathy, emotionally generous, and unconditional as well. People that will bend their boundaries just enough to accommodate the bigger picture, and that is keeping life in a positive direction, working through things, turning the other cheek, etc. There is nothing wrong with that nor should any person be judged or looked down upon as a weak person for these qualities or better yet taken advantage of, bullied and abused for who or what they are. What I am only describing is a good and INTELLIGENT person that strives to keep positive balance in their life. My point here is that there is no label that should be applied to any target/victim as being deserving of abuse from a Narcissist or anybody. Remember that a Narcissist is looking for people to objectify or ‘supply’ as well as a person that can provide a particular service or need – how sadistic is that?
Yes of course there are lessons to be learned after abuse as it concerns creating new boundaries to protect yourself from future abuse. In the real world there is and has to be give and take BUT unfortunately the world of a Narcissist is ‘take and take more,’ or more appropriately con, trap, manipulate, extort, and abuse. It is a learning process that comes post abuse, or after being a target of this hideous situation and what is most important is that you don’t lock up your values and distrust the world. I had boundaries in my life to protect myself from chaotic, dangerous, and bad people – BUT I had no clue that there were people out there capable of tricking me through extreme lies and manipulation, using love to gain my trust and then willfully abusing that trust to extort from me and cause such destruction in my life. Narcissists will always step on and over your boundaries with their extreme trickery and manipulation. These are the world’s BEST con artists because they depend upon us for their basic survival so basically perfect their manipulation and learn as they go.
Narcissists will search out people and get a feel for who will dance their dance, play their game and who won’t and that is what makes them purely predatory. So basically these Narcissist’s are surveying, assessing, and interviewing most everybody within their general habitat to find their next SOURCES of supply to prey upon. They seek out and find their primary supply and many other sources of supply on the side. Remember ‘supply’ can be a partner but it can also be that overt schmoozing they do with people that can advance their career, or even people that can help them shield their identity like religious affiliation, people that can GIVE THEM THINGS, or ANY number of opportunities. Supply, supply, supply – that is the Narcissist’s ONLY goal and main objective, no real relationship, no real love, or no real future! They are like locusts attacking a field of wheat that they strip bare to satisfy their hunger. They don’t care that it causes the farmer great loss and they don’t miss the wonderful farmer whose crops they feasted upon or even send that farmer a thank you note OR establish closure of any sort – they just move onto the next field to pillage. Realistically a locust doesn’t trick a farmer into loving them, and the farmer is well aware that locusts exist, as well as what they can do to their crops. But that is my point WE didn’t realize that there was a dangerous creature out there that could do this to us with an arsenal of tools to achieve their agenda. The message here is that you CAN’T blame yourself or believe you are a fool – this was situational abuse from a very shrewd and manipulative person.
Here is where the big game of manipulation begins. They snuggle right up to your emotions and mimic them to create an amazing connection. Add to the equation that they are charming, intoxicating, AND they seduce their prey into their lair with lies and manipulation. They create a perfect association or a ‘love story’ for us depending on what they are after – and seriously it is only a story and one written precisely for us. It is a calculated move on the Narcissist’s part to figure out exactly how to find that place in our minds. They are quite good at it because they have completely fooled us or better yet conned us into a place where they WILL take advantage of our trust AND generosity because THAT is their goal. To a Narcissist it is just another day with no real thought or remorse to any of their adverse actions. They want something so they go after it and there are no rules or laws that they abide by as it concerns any harm they cause to people. Don’t forget that there is also NO empathy, so they don’t know human bonds or ‘love’ or even have a clue what it feels like, but interestingly enough they mimic it very well. What an amazing and well thought out plan a Narcissist develops and uses to secure their supply that shouts out PREDATOR!
The relationship happens so fast and they swept all of us right off of our feet and into their destructive hands. The reality and the very scary thing here is that they knew exactly what they were doing (too bad we didn’t know this!) None of this was friendship, love at first sight, or two soul mates finally meeting up in life, or that prince/princess charming fairy tale that we have heard and read about! Furthermore, this was not coincidental, an accident or FATE – you met certain criteria and were selected, targeted and then pulled into their cycle of abuse. This is all premeditated because a Narcissist does NOT know ‘love’ or act upon loving emotions or basic feelings in the realm of any relationship, nor are they a supportive partner OR ANY TYPE OF PARTNER, or in it for the long run. They are in this relationship (and I use this word loosely) to harvest their needs for SUPPLY. Think of it like being an appliance like a washer. You have a specific purpose and they will trade you in at the first sign of breaking down. They will overload your capacity and basically make you break down (just like a washing machine.) OH, and they probably are seriously entertaining a dryer (for supply,) a vacuum, stove, coffee maker etc. on the side because they have MANY needs. The point here is that they objectify people and we are basically an object to them and they have many objects that they are using at the same time. The difference is who provides the most supply gets the top billing with them.
You just don’t ‘spot’ a Narcissist because they don’t have a sign over their head that identifies them as one. Plus, they are very evasive creatures that camouflage their true identity and darkness so they can walk among us freely searching for supply to harvest. They are also high functioning individuals in our world. Even now the facts of how many Narcissists are out there abusing is probably way off. Do you think this predator is going to identify themselves in a census count? NO WAY because their false identity is part of their trade secret!
I always hear this commercial on TV as it concerns identity theft and your credit cards. The announcer says “protect yourself from identity theft with “blah, blah, blah” – a service that monitors any and all transactions on your credit/debit cards. Identity theft is relatively new but WOW society is well aware of it and the damage it can do to their financial world. Well a Narcissist will mess with your identity (and your finances) among many other things, BUT there is no monitoring company out there that protects you and calls your cell phone when a Narcissist is extorting every aspect of your life. When you are out today ask the first person you see to define identity theft and then ask them to define a malignant Narcissist. You can bet they know what identity theft is BUT they will be lacking a cohesive definition about Narcissism. One last question – who do identity thieves go after? ANYBODY AND EVERYBODY because they are predators after something we have that we can ‘SUPPLY’ them with – Narcissists could be aptly name identity thieves too! AMEN!
There are some clues or red flags that we definitely overlooked, but that is just not our human nature to turn away from something so amazing that ‘looks and feels’ like real love or a great friendship. We are going to pursue this and of course we are looking out for ourselves – but the CHARM and ‘love bombing’ from a Narcissist is created with US BEING THE MAIN COEFFICIENT and personally designed with US in mind. What part of the CHARM or ‘love bombing’ could have been identified as ‘questionable’ when someone is so friendly or loving you so completely?
They are just seamless with their lies, commitment stories, manipulation, etc. It isn’t until AFTER you are taken in that the real monster rears its ugly face AND after all of your emotions are in place and connecting or loving them. In the beginning stage it is all lies, manipulation and seductive charm. None of which are the type you can easily prove or even want to prove. They start out like a warm, cuddly, and loving puppy – so do you smack a Narcissist on the nose for saying they love you, or reject their hugs and caring with another smack? Do you run to the police when they say they love you and ask a detective to follow them? No, but in time you will be feeling like you want to, but that is down the road and after the big con job. This is a manipulative and lying predator with an agenda in mind and it is a ‘one on one’ manipulation with only YOU and the NARCISSIST in this dance! We don’t know how disordered they are while they lure us into their trap NOR do we know they are a Narcissist! Hindsight being 20/20 we get this message loud and clear AFTER we have been abused. The general populace doesn’t get this, nor would they believe that this creature could turn a beautiful romance into a horrendous game of destruction. Try to tell your incredulous story to someone and they will look at you like you are speaking some sort of language that they don’t understand.
Reclaim your power by externalizing (dumping) any and all blame and realize that this was an enemy you were dealing with that was very stealth and the attack came out of nowhere and this is not your fault! You are left as a prisoner of war would be and the poison that flows through your psyche started with what you thought was love. It is an insurmountable and huge betrayal with the dehumanization and realization that it was all a big lie because every minute you believed you were with them exclusively and you really weren’t. It is a ridiculous and horrendous pill to swallow. A person entered into your life that friended you or loved you (and they said they loved you exclusively) but it was ALL ONE BIG CON JOB! They extorted your emotions and manipulated them in such a debilitating manner to take you from this great love to making you out to be defective and worthless. Every person that has encountered this abuse can relate EXACTLY to this disturbing truth. Reminds me of one of those old black and white movies where a thug picks up a hitchhiker, making them believe they are going to drive them to their destination with good intentions, but instead steals their wallet and self-respect, and then pushes them out of the moving car and then drives off to find another victim. Knowledge is power and the truth that seems to hurt so much right now is what will lead you away from this abuse and into recovery and healing. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
Interacting with a Narcissist! They use a distorted form of manipulation making you believe you are OK and then you are not OK and they use this just like a Yo-Yo to keep you off balance in the ups and downs BUT always blameworthy and feeling worthless!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
When we are attempting to relate to a Narcissist our interactions with them are basically manipulated into reactions that a Narcissist provokes by basically charming or love bombing our emotions positively or the opposite negative reactions of putting us on the defensive where we are basically having to always explain ourselves and made to feel wrong or even worthless. It all stems from their shrewd interrogation techniques they used on us where they have gained all kinds of information that they have stored away in their memory for future use to Charm or Harm us. It is part of their big game plan! Significant or insignificant information is all up there in their head that they will use against us in some manner to get the response they want or to fulfill one of their many needs.
A Narcissist knows how to manipulate something in a way that makes us feel like we have to justify or explain ourselves and our position. They will make any conversation escalate into an argument by pushing the right buttons. They are so good at this that it will make us feel angst and get angry and then we end up looking like the crazy one because of how we react to the craziness. This is basically ‘crazy making’ and a routine they use regularly on their targets/victims. They will even try to elicit our anger in front of an audience if possible to really make it effective! More than likely we feel embarrassed by our own actions and reflect on OUR behavior but never realize that we have been managed down by the shrewd Narcissist!
Communicating in itself with a Narcissist is impossible as far as reality is concerned so it follows that arguing or debating with them should be avoided at all costs because it will only provoke them into an attack and RAGE. If we could have only kept our innermost thoughts and feelings private, we would have saved ourselves so much of this disabling distress. Unfortunately, we trusted these individuals and divulged things because we believed they earned our trust, but in essence they manipulated us into trusting them to fulfill their manipulative agenda and they know our secrets as well and that is dangerous because they will embellish our weaknesses and make us hyperaware of them.
Narcissists have many tools in their arsenal or weapons that they use to constantly keep us in a state of despair or in a ‘fog.’ A Narcissist has been this way for a very long time and they just go into autopilot to make the negative things happen so in essence they can always blame you and manage you and everyone down and in turn they feel better. Conversations are very calculated and manipulated with Illogical arguments and distorted views that definitely wreak havoc on your mental faculties. Narcissists must constantly do this to avoid falling into the depths of their own disordered reality, or the awareness of just how sick they really are so everything is basically a diversion to control us and their environment. So by playing these ridiculous and irrational mind games they think they raise themselves out of that dark world where they actually reside by tearing someone else down and walking all over that other person’s emotions and trampling down all of their boundaries – purely crazy or ‘crazy making.’ Think of bullies that have to put other people down or harm them so that they feel superior, but with a Narcissist this is all encompassing as far as their personality is concerned – as a matter of fact it IS THEIR COMPLETE being. They have to malign everybody in their world and keep this absurd control mechanism going.
They are essentially processing their victims which basically amounts to sucking the spirit right out of them, feeding off of the negativity, and the constant managing down that they do to their target/victims that destroys their self-respect – and all of this is done to be in complete control! So apply the logic here and that is how the Narcissist gets THEIR self-respect, by stealing or taking it away from others. Yes, it sounds absurd but basically it describes what a bully does to overpower people and feel some sort of superiority because they themselves are totally insecure. It is despicable in itself that they infiltrate our world to harm us, but how they get us there to trust and listen to them is even more despicable because they manufacture a fake love first so we develop emotions for them and then use this against us as part of the BIG con or agenda.
So in essence they also play this game to fight off the awareness of what a contemptible thing their conduct has made them. They are not powerful, they are NEGATIVE and use this as a weapon to control and harm the very people that love them. So we constantly ask ourselves why do they do this, why did they pretend to love us to devalue us. WHY, why, why? Because these are very dysfunctional creatures that have extreme envy and even hate at the core of their disorder. You can’t put a real spin on this that would ever explain the why because they are disordered BUT you can see a clear picture or a reality shot of the complete game they play and it is destructive. With that in mind you have to actualize the very truth that your very survival and recovery depends on getting them OUT of your life forever.
So let’s just say that they ward off awareness of their extreme neediness by projecting most of it off and onto their target/victim. But it is a vicious cycle with them because their existence will constantly challenge them and their illusions of their superiority – or basically the delivery of their contempt is ever-changing. Normal people can’t coexist in this parasitic relationship, especially one where your individuality is denied, and you are consistently managed down to question your own sanity. The Narcissist destroys every relationship because of their vast insecurities and need to win and feel superior. It is a dysfunctional cycle where they take every person from idealization to discard or from ‘charm to harm’ to achieve their dose of life sustaining supply. You have to understand that this Narcissist is nothing even near happy or full of the charm they exude. Their inner mind is so riddled with their insecurities and insatiable need for external attention to survive that it completely rules their world and you can NEVER reach them because there is NO ‘them.’ They are stuck in this dysfunctional defensive mode and the slightest insult can send them into a major Narcissist injury! They are NOT fit for human interaction.
All of this managing down is also done in a manner to create a strong dependence on them (the Narcissist.) They isolate you from the world and make you beg for their approval. They have to control their target/victims to stay in control or else that mask would come flying of and that monster behind it would be out of control and they would be hauled off and locked away in a cage.
I have said this MANY time before: PLEASE understand that the feeling of worthlessness that the Narcissist creates in your psyche is more PERCEIVED than real OR what the Narcissist says and does to make you FEEL like this worthless person that NEEDS them. They have slowly but surely trained you to beg for their approval through manipulation and managing you down. Human beings love unconditionally but that implies that they are individuals that deserve reciprocation and individualism. Within that we voice concerns and at times disagree with one another and work through things. If you point out an error A Narcissist made they go into defensive mode to counter any such notion with anger, venting, rage, cold-shoulder, silencing, and punishing. There is no such thing as reciprocity with a Narcissist because you are NOT an individual interacting with them – you are an object for them to use that serves a specific purpose.
A Narcissist will make you feel special and then emotionally distance themselves from you in so many ways that keep you unsure of yourself – THEY ARE NOT VIABLE PARTNERS IN ANY TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP because they are damaged. Virtually all of their ideas or the way they are behaving in any given situation are stolen from others, perhaps people they know and think of as superior – they have many copycat personalities that they use to create any of their many facades. People are basically servants to them and Narcissists are blowhards, braggers, brow-beaters, bullies, big-headed, but totally bogus. They will very rarely talk about their inner life, memories and dreams, or emotions BECAUSE THEY HAVE NONE! Narcissists demand your trust rather than earning it. They only see you as extensions of themselves and you are not allowed any individuality and freedom. They fail to recognize people’s emotions and feelings because all they are able to recognize is their own needs and wants. There is no substance to them other than a façade, lies and what they manipulate from life and people. To sum it up – they are emotional and psychological abusers! No/minimal contact to free yourself from this abuse and to move forward to a healthy lifestyle. Greg
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
Throughout my relationship, I knew that the person I was ‘with’ wasn’t emotionally well, I just didn’t know how unwell AND how emotionally unwell I had become for even wanting to continue and staying in this toxic relationship. I was blind sighted by the ‘love bombing’ and believing the “woe-be-me” stories/excuses in the beginning which are the most dangerous of the tools a Narcissist uses to trap their target.
For those who have been through it, I don’t need to explain any of this. It just didn’t make any sense to me! It was like something inside of them is/was wrong, injured, or whatever (rotten.) Unfortunately, I believed it could be healed or fixed and I kept applying “bandages” in an attempt to fix something SO unseen and so deep and damaged that I couldn’t even begin to understand it yet alone fix it. I WAS TOTALLY BLINDSIGHTED by what was just abuse and what a predator does to capture its prey – it starts with how the camouflage themselves.
Empathy, caring and unconditional love can cure many things, but with a Malignant Narcissist it would be like throwing gas on a fire with the hopes to extinguish it. They are not there for love by any means and that defines the abhorrent being as what they truly are – one that would scheme, manipulate and brain-wash another into believing they had something that was as real and wonderful as “love” to use to debase, dehumanize and destroy another. But that is the downfall of anybody that buys into this abhorrent relationship with them – BELIEVING!
Normal in my relationship was basically achieving ONE SINGLE DAY without some sort of incident where I was blamed, shamed or punished AND RAGED at for something or other – and usually something delusional or unreal. “Normal” simply meant that my Narcissist was still there and we achieved a complete day without an incident. What was so hidden behind all of this was the reality of just what was there with me – a lying, betraying, perverted, manipulative, cheating, delusional, disordered, vile, and VOLATILE human being that got off on emotionally manipulating me, hurting and punishing me. An argument (out of nowhere) would always end up as 3 days of silence and punishment – and the opportunity for this Narcissist to constantly cheat with anything/everything that said yes. This sounds crazy but it is the real truth – UNFORTUNATELY the truth isn’t apparent when we need it to be because they are PRO’s at this game. Add to this that we tend to view the world in a NORMAL or reality based manner, and within that thought process I NEVER thought another adult was capable of doing the things this person did to me and my family. It is like the iceberg theory I often repeat – what you see above the water is MINOR compared to what is beneath the water!
I started investigating and reading everything I could find on any mental illness that this person would fit into. I had always suspected that bipolar was the possible diagnosis because the Narcissist’s mother as well as an ex-spouse mentioned this as a possibility as it related to many problems from a PAST marriage, so that was where I began. I just couldn’t understand how this person, could all of the sudden, be so detached, so cold, cruel, distant, and with a temper so terrible that it was actually scary and getting worse. It was meant to be scary because that is how they debase and control – they are psycho bullies that have to feel powerful by putting life and people down. This person was BEYOND anything I could have done to help – and I am not even sure that there is therapy enough out there to make a dent in how disordered and vile this Malignant Narcissist had been to me and my family, as well as many before me. I only wish I could have known about this disorder to know that I wasn’t dealing with someone that couldn’t change or even wanted to change – I was dealing with a predator that I fell prey to!
Then there were all of these CRAZY, horrible and UNTRUE things this person (the Narcissist) was saying about me and WHY? Then let’s not forget the pathological lying and the betrayal. Then I found information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it was like a light bulb turned on inside my head and a HUGE ‘Ah Ha’ moment. From that point on I knew that what I suspected was true and that there was a name to this disorder and none of this was about me or my fault. It was a Malignant Narcissist I was dealing with!
At that point in my juncture I wanted to know more. I discovered a wealth of knowledge in websites, personal blogs, articles and books relating to the subject. I couldn’t believe the number of people who had been through similar situations AND most if not all had been to hell and back trying desperately to make things work with their partners, only to wind up alone and confused, hurt, traumatized, and ABUSED. I read so many horror stories about this ‘personality disorder’ that was basically describing evil.
Being a victim of Narcissistic abuse is a severely traumatic life experience that you are dealing with by yourself. If the perpetrator is a person you loved, admired, or looked up to as a role model, or a wife, husband, parent, guardian, friend, relative, etc., you don’t understand the reality because most of the time you love the person, trust them and want to believe in them – you go the extra mile for them. If your professional life is entangled with a Narcissistic boss, getting out of the abusive relationship may be extremely challenging, especially when this is your livelihood, or your bread and butter. If you are a child of a Narcissistic parent you are reared in this abuse and that becomes the child’s clouded vision of normal for much of their life.
It may seem frightening and insurmountable after the time you have invested, and you may be tempted to put up with more abuse, as an attempt to defuse the situation and save what mattered so much to you in any of the relationships you were entangled in with these cruel monsters. BUT there is no such thing as anything near a normal or a real relationship with a Narcissist and you can only learn this the hard and painful way. There is no healthy give-and-take relationship with a Narcissist, only a manipulative, crippling, subjugating type of giving and a demanding, exploitative, and insensitive type of taking OR whatever the Narcissist wants to exploit from the victim. People are only objects that a Narcissist uses.
It is especially difficult to accept this when your interactions with them are at the personal, professional, familial or intimate level. How much of yourself, your work, your aspirations, do you have to sacrifice in order to save your life and your psyche from the destructive assaults from your Narcissistic abuser? Well if it was up to the Narcissist you would have to give them your entire life and even that would not be enough.
Don’t try to fight a war that you can’t win because a Narcissist lacks any and all morals. You can’t engage in reality with a person that lacks morals or with issues that require a person to have a conscience and expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure. Narcissists have no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their mindless and thoughtless approach to other people especially if it is “you.” Don’t ever underestimate their depravity as it concerns their lack of respect for life and people – they will abuse anyone that stands in their way, even their own biological children or ANY family member.
So how could you have been such a fool? The painful realization often comes with the disbelief of just how could we have not realized that he/she was like this? That’s another thing that educating yourself about this disorder will teach you very clearly and that is the Narcissist is especially good at being pathologically deceptive and manipulative, at simulating genuine affection and caring to gain our trust so they can essentially abuse us. In reality, the Narcissist is only capable of caring about themselves. The Narcissist can BASICALLY imitate that they care about you or even love you as long as he/she continues to see you reflect extreme adulation and admiration for them, which is usually in the beginning of your personal relationship with them. Underneath all of that is a delusional and out-of-control amoral person that lacks respect for life and people and has no conscience about how they debase people to GET WHAT THEY WANT – supply. That is what it all boils down to – we satisfy some sort of need – and they have many needs, and many people they use to satisfy their immense needy void hole.
The perceptions of a Narcissist are truly their reality. If you look back, you have never been able to change or influence their perceptions because they got louder and completely ignored your every word to the contrary concerning any of their delusional outbursts – especially if it concerned their own accountability. If you couldn’t effect change living in a close relationship with them, then don’t waste your time and effort ever trying AGAIN. They live in their own world and no matter how false or unreal it appears to you, for them it is reality because it has to be for them to survive among us. As soon as a Narcissist begins to perceive that you have a voice of your own and a right to existence, the trouble starts and then there is no return because there is no possibility of two-way communication with them and the more you push your individualism forward the more resistance from the Narcissist. Their façade is impenetrable and has to be or they would self-destruct if people knew the truth. They are not in this for anything except for what they can get that benefits them somehow and that is a WIDE variety of things and unfortunately it was just our turn to be used.
Lies and deceit are as natural to the Narcissist’s world as is breathing. A Narcissist has the amazing ability with their ‘shrewd deception’ to make ‘others’ believe their lies EVEN when they fly right in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Heck they are so smooth at their LIES that the Narcissist also believes THEIR own lies. Mine could have been given an honorary PHD in lies, and lying! Take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie – or as my friend once told me “if they are breathing they are lying!”
It is extremely painful, to come to the conclusion that people who have meant a great deal in your personal (or professional) life can ACTUALLY destroy you and you have to disengage with them to literally save your life. It is EXTREMELY painful, but the alternative is only to continue the descent along the dark path of self-destruction. Stop it all and finally break the chain that keeps you tied to an abuser. Everything you have built with this person was done in vain, and if you keep believing or buying into the games/lies with the hope to catch a glimpse of what things were like when you lived in the illusion they fabricated for you, you will only be drawn back into the abuse over and over again. The promises like a life journey together or sharing the joys of REAL love, a future, intellectual fulfillment, dreams, goals, etc., were part of the abuse to only control you and keep you chained to the abuse.
Unfortunately, you have to learn and accept that the psychological and emotional investment you made in a Narcissist is/was valueless, and you have to write them off completely as a bad debt. If you continue any type of association with them, you will only lose your soul and hand it over to a deceitful, perverted and loathsome character that will use and drain the life right out of it. Just like the “un-dead” fictional characters that are looking to feed off of the life force of other human beings to BECOME alive again. Sorry I am not sure they were ever alive – it is just incomprehensible that they have the cognitive ability to plan and scheme as they do to trap us, debilitate their target, know it is wrong, lie about their actions to cover up their tracks, destroy our good name, extort everything they can, and run off as they do to another unsuspecting target. Sounds more like a well-planned out process to me.
One day you will see the complete picture – and it will never make what they did better, but you will understand because you have finally been educated into what they are and what YOU aren’t. A Narcissist is a dead giveaway in the way they create their delusional turmoil after each and every departure from one of their con jobs or relationships as the Narcissist prefers to call them. While they are running away like the thieves they really are with their tails between their legs, they are really running away from the truth of who and what they are. We are the truth they are running from as they are throwing lies at us in an effort to smear our integrity and destroy us. They never can or will admit to what they have done, instead they will always slither into someone else’s life to find shelter, and take what they can emotionally and physically. The truth is AND has always been that YOU are the normal person, amazing, and capable of love and better yet so worthy of it. They didn’t steal that away from you – they manipulated you into their darkness and it disabled your good judgement. Today you ARE that amazing person again because you broke the chain to their emotional and psychological abuse. Greg
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
More of that TRUTH – let’s really get this! Narcissists are a big lie and they have to always look over their shoulder to make sure they aren’t caught up in their own lies and chaos. That guilt is what worries them BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT TO BE EXPOSED FOR WHAT THEY ARE – but they are also able to dismiss who and what they are so very easily. That is the working mechanism in their complete denial of what they are that is called projection or one of those clinical terms that is repeated over and over again but important in understanding this personality disorder. Obviously they don’t care about the deceitful action they have committed because they repeat their offenses daily – BUT they don’t want to tarnish their shiny selves by being exposed either because they NEED that façade to make their game work – that is where this working mechanism or projection comes into play.
So to start guess who will be forced to carry the blame/shame for them – you got it – that would be YOU and I – not to mention how they have managed you down throughout the process! Add to the equation that Narcissist’s are the MOST insecure and needy creatures in this world and that is why they are so self-absorbed with seeking supply wherever they can find it. A Narcissist cannot internalize emotions, feelings, caring, or love so they have to find external stimulation or objects to feel alive. They will build up a façade so completely that they will even use marriage, a family, a career position or whatever to be the fortress they will hide behind to get that strong AND solid adulation and admiration they crave so desperately. It also protects them from being exposed by seeming so real and genuine BUT they are hiding behind us to shore up their façade and look normal because THEY DO NOT DO NORMAL. BUT and this is big – they are never the saint that they strive and pretend to be nor the amazing person that they project to the world. You are just part of the defenses and façade to protect their image and give them FREEDOM to look normal and do as they wish and prevent them from being exposed – well that and attaining supply too. Let’s just simply say they do all of this to fit in or camouflage themselves! Remember as I always say they are like the tip of an iceberg and what you don’t see below the water surface is really all of the deception we do NOT know and it is a lot.
OK so back to the basics of positive and negative projection. By projecting positive things onto the target/victim the Narcissist is using us as a mirror so their amazing virtuosity is “reflected” back onto and into THEM. It enables them to bask in their glorious image (that fake mask/façade) that WE reflect back to them with our love, caring, adoration, and respectful responses, etc. In turn they believe it is their reality and use it so that they can walk around with their superior attitude making them appear as saintly, virtuous, kind, having empathy, love, and the whole nine yards or very charming! SO in reality they are seeking their own approval as being worthy because they are the furthest thing from perfect or virtuous AND in reality we are only an instrument like a mirror for them to adore themselves and that is as deep as it goes with them or satisfying their vast and empty void. Unfortunately, and as we all know when they don’t see that reflection from us they will throw one of their fits and make us pay for it. This is the Narcissist’s grandiose and false image they present to the world and use to get what they want and need supply. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING REAL ABOUT THEM and once we get this we MUST move on and away from them completely or else we are only supporting their façade and basically abusing ourselves. What else could an empty shell offer?
Now to the negative projection. It is basically the same thing in reverse. The Narcissist projects their darkness, their ugliness, perverted habits, distorted thoughts and beliefs, or the truth about just how hateful their actions and deeds are, or their whole reality onto the mirror or us (again). This time they are essentially transferring their negative reality onto us in order to make us feel and appear to be the faulty one. The reflection they get back is another version of their saintly selves as being moral and denouncing the very hateful and perverted things they act on. The Narcissist transfers ownership of their negative and faulty character flaws as belonging to us. By doing this the Narcissist is in effect using the target/victim as a dumping ground to rid THEMSELVES from blame and shame. I would be raged at and accused of having affairs, lying about something or other, told I was worthless or any other number of things – none of which were real but unfortunately I couldn’t wrap my head around why this person that loved me also accused me of so many CRAZY things. In one simple word – PROJECTION! That is why it is important that we understand this clinical word because it is one more piece of the puzzle that will help us achieve our own closure through knowledge/education. NO you are not crazy or defective you were made to feel this way when the Narcissist transferred their darkness onto you! It is just another form of chaos from a personality disordered person,
What is the main coefficient here? You, me and the rest of the world. Without us there is no way they can participate in life and achieve supply because they are an empty vessel that is more like a ‘movie projector’ that is projecting images that started out as a script by a writer and then the director worked their magic and so many other people that also got involved to make this movie – well consider that a Narcissist is every one of those people that got together to make that movie all in one. Their life is a work of fiction that they project just like that movie projector does to the audience that is watching that movie.
They HAVE to live amongst us with a believable reality, but they can’t monitor or control their distorted needs, nor do they even see their destructive behavior or perverted lifestyle as dysfunctional because they are too damaged, in complete denial, and don’t have any internal mechanisms to enable them to have empathy enough to care – they are empty inside. Everything you offer them, be it YOUR care or unconditional love is used and abused so they can get what they want period. Their ‘projection’ is the tool they use to HIDE the truth and make us believe. Unfortunately, that façade and mask slips because they obviously will get caught up in their lies and distortion, so they turn them right back around onto and into us as if we are abusive like them! They are very good at this projection and that is why we always end up devalued or they take us from ‘Charm to Harm!” They are also extremely efficient abusers as it concerns hiding their reality to get what they want. We have to put ourselves in a position to truly understand that what they were doing was subjugation to each and every one of us and only destructive and sadistic to US. No there is no real love or commitment as it concerns our time with them and there never will be. Once you get to this realization the pieces fall in place to help you actualize your position as an object that they only extorted and abused!
As simple as it all sounds the Narcissist’s aim is impeccable and all of us are the targets and we make their life work. Think about their attacks. Who does the Narcissist call a liar? The honest person and usually that means you and me, but who is the real liar – the Narcissist? Who does The Narcissists say is bad, dangerous and the abusive person? Well again the good person that actually cares for them and probably loves them and that is us again. They will put themselves before their own biological children and family, and that speaks so loudly about how disordered they really are! Remember though they are quite talented at what they do and they have all of this down to an art form so their talent for farce is so great that MANY people mistake the Narcissist for stoic and astute as we all have done ourselves. They are working that image for sure and making sure they do their own public relations and finding their supporters because they have to hang onto that mask for dear life because without it they are dark and disordered individuals. But in that definition just remember that their insecurity is so intense that they have to seek out many mirrors (people) to constantly reinforce the big facade or the big lie of what and who they are. They have no room for anything else in their lives other than keeping that façade and themselves viable and alive – but it is not plausible because they are so out of control that they always get caught up in their own game. You can only fake it for so long!
So many times we see ourselves as foolish for falling for their lies and façade. But put some thought into this, EVERYONE falls for their façade, even their minions, or the naysayers that find our stories too incredulous to believe. They have been walking around with this façade for all of their life and they are still out there so it works for them and they fool most everybody. So are they foolish as well for not seeing through the Narcissist’s façade too? A big YES. So if we are to accept foolishness then the rest of the world must join in accepting their role as also being FOOLED by the Narcissist’s grand façade! It is OK to be foolish if you realize the truth of the situation and move forward in a new and positive direction.
A Narcissist has the mental capacity of a child with no sense of measure or moderation. So a Narcissist is more dangerous with their thoughts and mouth than an angry child throwing a tantrum because they want what they want and WHEN they want it. They will spew out some poison about someone as easily and naturally as we take a breath of air. Remember a Narcissist only loves themselves and there is NO room for anything else but seeking out people or supply to reinforce their lame façade. They have no normal human relationships because they can only relate to people as objects. As I mentioned above, a Narcissist will project off of their own children as thoughtlessly as they would anybody else that stands directly in front of them and that is just too unnatural as it concerns the human condition. Since a Narcissist is really a severely deranged child with no emotional maturity, rules or regulations, the only reign or hold on their behavior is what they feel they can get away with. So, the more The Narcissist gets away with, the more repressed guilt they have to purge onto some poor target/victim. Nobody escapes a relationship with them without some sort of damage.
This is why you eventually end up devalued and discarded. This creature doesn’t have any expertise in any realm of human relationships, the human condition, bonding, or loving anyone. It is only a matter of time that their mask slips and their boredom, true disdain and hatred for the connection they forced on you/us surfaces. Their real disconnection with people is their reality and it ALWAYS sends them off in another direction to find new people to feed their out-of-control lifestyle. WE ARE ONLY SUPPLY and they have to seek out more viable supply to get that high back because they CAN’T participate in real intimacy and let it grow and they only FAIL at it miserably, but they have convinced us that we are at fault and we internalize it as the reality of our situation. They are fighting a battle with themselves that demands putting their full attention to their false mask and fortress, and the only way to always have that strong adulation and admiration they need is VARIETY. Remember that old saying, “variety is the spice of life,” well the Narcissist lives by this.
This is not an excuse by any means because they have the same ability to turn it around in a positive fashion by making positive changes but they are happy the way they are. ALSO remember they will stay as long as you allow them to, but you will lose yourself completely! Don’t feed this Narcissist with your positive and loving energy because that is what they are after. They can’t create this on their own so they have to manipulate and extort it from us and anybody else they can. What does that make them a thief, an extortionist, or what? Well it makes them abusive to people. They don’t invite us into their lives and say that they need our help to be normal or seek our help – instead they trick us, con us, and abuse us to get what they want and then slip back out of our lives after they have gotten it and try to destroy any evidence of what they actually did. The end result from all of this horrendous betrayal is traumatization of a good person or abuse! Start your journey to recovery with the education and knowledge to truly understand that this was situational – then you will be able to start the healing process and take a deep look inside to shore up the wounds and set new and strong boundaries to be able to join life again as well as trust that there is goodness out there in the world. You have the ability to do so and will come out of this and back to a normal life as the amazing person you once were and even stronger. No/minimal contact to end this abuse! Greg