The prison the Narcissist used to hold you captive was built from all of their lies – the POSITIVE endearing I love you lies and the disabling ones that managed you down every day to control you and eventually disable and destroy you. Narcissists are VERY convincing and polished liars and EVERYTHING they told you was a LIE!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
As convincing as the Narcissist in your life was about their love for you it had absolutely NOTHING to do with love. Every single action employed by the Narcissist stems from a pathological need to control others AND all lies. In order to prove your love to a Narcissist, you had to surrender your identity and all of your power and control over to them. You handed over your life when you handed them your heart. That predator knew that if they conquered your heart then they had you where they wanted you. You became a slave to them and your only purpose was to enhance and embellish the Narcissist’s false image, take care of their every need, and accept their self-serving abuse. That prison they used to keep you captive was built from all of those lies – the POSITIVE endearing I love you lies and the disabling ones that managed you down every day to control you and eventually destroy you. Of course, the package is never presented to us in this manner because the Narcissist employs extreme manipulation AND THOSE LIES to con you into trusting them implicitly with THREE very thoughtful and well placed and deceptive words – ‘I Love You!’
BUT you still ask yourself HOW can someone you showed so much love turn around and abuse that love. You also ask yourself WHY would a person con you into believing they loved you do such a horrendous thing just so they could extort your life through this fictitious love. You ask yourself how you didn’t see all of this and you question your sanity because you feel that you ALLOWED this to happen. You then start questioning the very things that this Narcissist accused you of and perhaps believing that you do have issues! You question this, that and everything! You question yourself for no viable reason other than trying to reach some sort of understanding EVEN though you now know the truth. But there is no other answer than the truth that this was abuse and this relationship wasn’t real at all and that my friend is just way too difficult to accept.
You can’t get over this relationship and move yourself away from the hold this ‘Narcissist Monster’ that is, OR was in your life has on your mind! In turn YOU try to work it out in your head and heart. You keep reaching back into the past searching for something. Are you STILL searching for the answers to those many confusing questions? Probably a resounding YES, but there really is NOBODY there to answer those questions – BUT there are many messages in your head, so you turn to justifying most everything to resolve what only amounts to abuse. The reality of the situation that this IS abuse never seems to agree with your heart, emotions, and empathy to form some sort of cohesive agreement or middle ground so you are left with a horrendous burden to shake this off – but all of this was based on lies!
You have to think back and recall just how uneasy you felt in this relationship, how YOU were continually accepting the negativity that always seemed to be present when you were together. Think about the lies, betrayal, put downs and so many other things that just weren’t normal to a loving relationship. You worked your hardest at rationalizing and justifying this LOVE and continually tried to fix this distorted relationship (love) rather than accepting the truth from your intuition shouting out at you. You STILL keep justifying that it was love and you must have overlooked something or other that could have fixed everything! WHO was making you try so hard to fix this? Who was telling you everything was wrong and it was YOUR fault? Who never put an effort into allowing you to voice normal concerns? Who silenced you over and over again and why? The truth is that this could never have turned out any different than what it did because it was meant to be temporary! What about the new supply and how quickly this Narcissist JUMPED right into that relationship! Where is/was the love that you kept fighting for? It was NEVER there in the first place!
Then ask yourself how many times you had to reassure yourself that everything WOULD be OK if you did this, that or any number of different things! Don’t forget the many important ‘personal’ things concerning your needs that were always dismissed to make and keep this Narcissist happy and it was NEVER enough. How many times were you so confused about crazy statements, arguments, accountability, or the many lies that you probably justified or ignored? What about affairs? Were there any or many? Did you always feel as if you had to explain yourself for most everything you did or said no matter what? Did you feel any sense of normalcy with this person after the ‘amazing love’ in the beginning? Did you feel like parts of your life had mysteriously disappeared and it isn’t the same as it used to be. You always felt so frustrated in general, confused, anxious, you felt tired or exhausted from day after day of arguments that had no basis, and just the general feeling of unhappiness. Or maybe you feel horrible about yourself or worthless. Is it a feeling like things have spun out of control in your life and you are WONDERING WHY this has happened! You haven’t done anything different than you have in the past (as it concerned your previous ‘normal’ relationships,) but YOU are always working on something or other to get this relationship right! What is the coefficient here? Where is the distress AND stress coming from? Why do you always feel so ANXIOUS and CONFUSED? If you think about this and compile a ‘distress list’ of all of the crazy making and chaos from this relationship it will be hundreds of times longer than a list that would outline the good things that showed this person (the Narcissist) was actually reciprocating with love.
I think most of us know the root of the problem, but trying to get past the emotional stronghold has been the problem and what kept us believing in the huge lie we were living. Through all of this we twisted and tweaked our thoughts so much so that we were able to justify most everything in a manner that made us change our behaviors and basic beliefs to meet the needs of this Narcissist so we could keep believing in what we were conned into believing – this love. We believed that WE could change things to make this relationship right again – but who was telling us to change and WHY? We took charge of trying to make things right and make changes! We ACCEPTED the blame that was handed to us. We accepted silence to avoid arguments. We accepted lies to avoid hearing the truth. We possibly believed that more LOVE would heal! Was it love that would heal this? Just exactly what WAS this love? Was it totally one sided? Could you even ascertain what this relationship was OR were you always wondering? Did anything change like you wanted it to? YES, what changed was you, your self-worth, your dignity, your good life that you once knew, and your whole world changed for the worse!
So to start, you have to conceptualize that EVERYTHING WAS A LIE. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends, hate you, my family hates you, the world hates you, etc.!’ Don’t forget all the other day to day lies, the lies about the affairs, the lies about STUPID stuff, the lies about accountability, the lies about other lies, etc. All of these messages that the Narcissist was basically downloading into your head is all part of their delusional disorder based on LIES that they used to manage you down, gain power over you, and to control you. So, when you refer back to these messages they put in your head and RELATE to them to try to resolve ANY of this, you are only listening to the same delusional lies that got you into this abusive relationship that is now still convincing you that you are to blame, everything bad, and YOU have to accept responsibility here for the demise of this relationship. Those messages were designed to debilitate you and they have – so replaying any of them will still keep you in right in the abuse.
OK – now for the jibber jabber! We are social creatures that bond, live together, seek each other out AND we also follow and create a moral order of what we must do, can do and cannot do. This social order is what defines and regulates how we will interact, defining and protecting individual rights and the ‘normal’ social/moral order. Narcissists know that there is a social/moral order but they don’t abide by any of it and instead they constantly violate it. There is no connection to it whatsoever. But to function in our world they will PRETEND to fit into it and be one of the most respected individuals out there because otherwise they would be deplored by society and nobody would play with them. So like everybody else we bought into their big lie and con job – but unfortunately we did it on a much more personal level that involved MANY distorted messages as well as the disabling lies. Narcissist do this so they can fit in otherwise they wouldn’t be able to extort life as they do. Simply put they are a big lie that enables them to process and harvest people to get what they need. Basically the ‘façade’ or ‘mask’ theory that we always read about. THEY ARE A BIG LIE – but very believable because they sugar coat the lie with amazing charm to attract us into their world!
YOU are a good and AMAZING person and this Narcissist has tricked you in such a heinous and perverted way and it just doesn’t make sense to a person of empathy that can LOVE. You were raised with morality and standards. You KNOW how to love and trust. You DIDN’T grow up learning that these monsters are out there that are the total opposite of what love is! You will NEVER feel good about this or reach some sort of realistic closure based on the belief system YOU GREW UP WITH, and as well you shouldn’t have too! BUT unfortunately there are a few new words in your vocabulary that you have to now educate yourself about and process them into your scope of the world. Those words are Narcissist and ABUSE. You have to completely dump the messages and ALL OF THOSE LIES that this Narcissist has used to gain power over you, control you and abuse you. You have to STOP listening to those messages because they were just lies. It takes time to do this because you have spent so much time believing these lies, now you must spend some time disbelieving these lies. There is no guru out there that can offer you anything that will make this magically disappear until you completely get this, so stop looking for a quick fix. Educate yourself with good information. Understand your enemy and what they did to you. Get healthy and then take a look inward and see what if anything made you available to a Narcissist, THEN set strong and new boundaries. Just DON’T blame yourself as if you deserved this and don’t let others blame you either! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
You can’t engage in reality with a Narcissist because they lack a conscience, morals, empathy, and emotions – so do not expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
Don’t try to fight a war that you can’t win because a Narcissist lacks any and all morals. You can’t engage in reality with a person that lacks a conscience, morals, empathy, emotions and expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure. Narcissists have no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions – THEY JUST DO NOT CARE! There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their mindless and thoughtless games or their manipulative approach to other people. They already have a mechanism in place that has been dumping that shame and turning it around into blame since they were very young. Don’t ever underestimate their depravity as it concerns their lack of respect for life and people because they will abuse anyone that stands in their way, even their own biological children, any family member, a friend, co-worker or ANYBODY!
So how could you have been such a fool and SO WRONG? There is a very painful realization that often comes with the disbelief of just how we could have not realized that he/she was like this? That’s another thing that educating yourself about this disorder will teach you very clearly. The Narcissistic personality is especially good at being pathologically deceptive and manipulative, at simulating that charm and genuine affection or caring to gain our trust so they can essentially abuse us – it is more aptly described as seduction. In reality, the Narcissist is only capable of caring about themselves. The Narcissist can BASICALLY imitate that they care about you or even love you as long as he/she continues to see you reflect that extreme adulation and admiration for them and even that is short-lived and usually in the beginning of your personal relationship with them or when they are still charming you into their agenda because they need many AND different variations of supply. Underneath all of that is a delusional and out-of-control amoral person that lacks respect for life and all people and has no conscience about how they debase and dehumanize people to GET WHAT THEY WANT which is that supply. That is what it all boils down to – we satisfy some sort of need, but they have many needs, and many people they use to satisfy their immense needy void hole. You thought this was a primary relationship with them and it never was and never would be.
The delusional perceptions of the Narcissist are truly their reality AND they just do NOT think like we do – but they can pretend to be like us when they need to. If you look back you have never been able to understand, change, or influence ANY of their perceptions because they got louder/meaner and completely ignored your every word to the contrary concerning any of their delusional outbursts, especially if it concerned their own accountability – be it a lie, betrayal or any number of words or actions from the Narcissist. If you couldn’t effect any change with them living in a close relationship with them, then don’t waste your time and effort ever trying AGAIN. They live in their own world and no matter how false or unreal it appears to you, for them it is reality and HAS TO BE REALITY for them to survive among us. As soon as a Narcissist begins to perceive that you have a voice of your own, individuality, and a right to existence, the trouble starts right then and there. This is the point of no return because there is no possibility of two-way communication with them. The more you push your individualism forward the more resistance from the Narcissist to manage you down and control you. Their façade is impenetrable and has to be or they would self-destruct if people knew the truth that they are basically con artists, abusive, and dangerous if cornered.
Lies and deceit are as natural to the Narcissist’s world as is breathing. A Narcissist has the amazing ability with their ‘shrewd deception’ to make EVERYONE believe their lies EVEN when they fly right in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Heck they are so smooth at their LIES that the Narcissist also believes THEIR own lies. Mine could have been given an honorary PHD in lies, and lying! Take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie, or as my friend once told me “if they are breathing they are lying!”
It is extremely painful, to come to the conclusion that people who have meant a great deal in your personal (or professional) life can ACTUALLY destroy you and you have to completely disengage with them to literally save your life. Sit back for a moment and really think about that and it is a hard pill to swallow. It is EXTREMELY painful, but the alternative is to only continue the descent along the dark path of self-destruction by continuing a relationship with them. Stop it all and finally break the chain that keeps you tied to an abuser. There is no battle here for you to fight because you are not dealing with a real or normal person that would or could ever interact, care, love, bond or treat you with dignity or respect. Everything you have built with this person was done in vain, and if you keep believing or buying into the games/lies with the hope to catch a glimpse of what things were like when you lived in the illusion they fabricated for you, you will only be drawn back into the abuse over and over again and hurt more and more. The promises like a life journey together or sharing the joys of REAL love, a future, intellectual fulfillment, dreams, goals, etc., were part of the seduction and the abuse to only control you and keep you chained to them.
Unfortunately you have to learn and accept that the psychological and emotional investment you made in a Narcissist is/was valueless, and you have to write them off completely as a bad debt. If you continue any type of association with them, you will only lose your heart, mind, and soul and hand it over to a deceitful, perverted and loathsome character that will use and drain the life and happiness right out of you.
My personal journey to recovery had to first involve healing from everything that was unjust and so destructive to me because it was disabling my ability to move on and away from this person (believe me this Narcissist wanted it that way and tried to keep me in this cycle of abuse). This was a case of a person making me mentally unhealthy through a stealth and slow process of brain-washing and gas-lighting with all of those LIES. I was dealing with a highly disordered individual that had a pattern of this abuse in their past. I had to re-build my life and expel the poison from this Narcissist and get healthy first. I did not allow myself to get caught up in what my part was in any of this FIRST because I was too vulnerable and would have accepted MORE blame and shame – this is what their game is – debasing us slowly but surely to destroy our spirit so when we leave this relationship we are very vulnerable as well as physically, emotionally, and psychologically unhealthy. I looked at my personal weaknesses AFTER I FOUND OUT THE TRUTH that identified the abuse and how I was attacked by a predator – yes I was prey!
I needed to be healthy first and then I took a look at my part in this and set up healthy boundaries to avoid ever falling into this type of abuse again. Today I recognize that there are Narcissists out there EVERYWHERE and they are destructive and dangerous. I have even gone to the point of changing my phone numbers and put up barriers to stop this person from having ANY access into my life. I keep everything about my life guarded in a manner to avoid this Narcissist having ANY knowledge of anything. I had to learn all of this because I had NO PAST EXPERIENCE with this type of abuse to draw from. So I concentrated on ME first so I could think clearly again, learn from this experience, draw knowledge from other survivors, and then look deep down inside of myself to make sure that everything that may have allowed me to stay in this type of relationship was fixed.
Yes there are codependent people that fall into this abuse, but there are also healthy people, tall people, short people, ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE so do not put the total blame on yourself. Recovery is a process that WILL take us back to a healthy lifestyle BUT we have to be emotionally healthy first so we can accept new growth. Perhaps identifying your personality type first is viable for some people and I am by no means saying that it is the wrong approach – but I do believe that progression as far as recovery involves removing all of the confusion first, defining the abuse in a manner that we see it wasn’t us being this horrible person we were made to believe, but instead it was a Narcissist that is truly a destructive and manipulating creature that disabled us emotionally and psychologically. I became strong in my knowledge by confronting the truth and finding out the answers that I was denied access to. It painted a very colorful picture of this person and those red flags were replaced with truth and I was free to grow again as a human being. It was a personal journey that made me see that I looked evil squarely in the eyes and saw just how manipulative and destructive they are. When you see that green eyed monster you realize that they are different than us and they mean business once we have identified what they are. The Narcissist devours lives, thoughts and spirits. They are psychological terrorists and stealth predators and even the strongest can fall prey to their arsenal of abhorrent tools to dehumanize other human beings. THEY ARE ABUSERS pure and simple!
One day you will see the complete picture and it will never make what they did better, but you will understand because you have finally been educated into what they are and what YOU aren’t. A Narcissist is a dead giveaway in the way they create their delusional turmoil after each and every departure from one of their con jobs or relationships as the Narcissist prefers to call them. While they are running away like the thieves they really are with their tails between their legs, they are really running away from the truth of who and what they are. We are the truth they are running from as they are throwing lies back at us in an effort to smear our integrity and destroy us. They never can or will admit to what they have done, instead they will always slither into someone else’s life to find shelter, create a new family, and take what they can emotionally and physically. No/minimal contact always! Greg
I LOVE you, YOU are the person I have been looking for ALL OF MY LIFE, WE were meant to be together, I have NEVER met another person like YOU before – YEAH RIGHT because today you can finally see the forest for the trees as the saying goes!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
YES – temporarily we ‘basically’ represent the object of their desire, the love of their life, their dream come true, their one and only, and so many other things that make us THINK they are right there with us. This feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s just something novel, new and fun for them because they needed NEW and better supply. Seriously their words were/are empty to the core because they are COMPLETELY empty and a big needy void. Add to this that they are addicts and supply is their drug of choice, so they are always off and looking for the next fix! SO in reality we literally ARE the answer to THEIR NEEDS because a relationship with a Narcissist is only about fulfilling THEIR NEEDS.
They do enjoy the chase and the seduction because we are reflecting all of those amazing qualities they believe they have. They just love creating the illusion that they’re something they are not because it is all part of their psychopathic ego feeding process and being a Narcissist. They also enjoy observing how they dupe others into believing all of their fictional stage productions – AND THE REWARDS ARE GREAT FOR THE NARCISSIST – all the supply they can get through their lies and manipulation. This isn’t just psycho-babble it is the truth but debilitating when you are the one being duped, extorted, conned, etc. AGAIN – when the Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because they want something from that person and they will say ANYTHING to get what they want!
All in all this pretty much fuels and feeds their out-of-control lifestyle. As we’ve observed, once the Narcissist feels they have you in their grasp and once your identity, hopes and expectations are becoming too evident and too real they GET BORED with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion because they DO NOT BOND WITH OTHER PEOPLE – they use them. We are THEIR supply in this psychopathic manipulation, and they are NOT going to be ‘our’ supply or give anything to us in return, this is only a one-way street with them. So inevitably they are going to move on when we try to make this “relationship” real in a manner that we are a VIABLE part of them and show that we also have needs. They are not in a relationship that grows in a normal manner; they are in a delusional and contractual agreement with every other human being that states we will SUPPLY the Narcissist with EVERYTHING they desire, but THEY will give nothing in return.
SO whenever a Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because he/she wants something from that person and THEY WILL EXTORT IT OUT OF THEM – again it all depends on what the Narcissist wants or desperately needs from you. If the Narcissist wants some sort of semblance of order in their life, respectability, stability as in a façade or a diversion he/she can hide his/her perverse nature and appear harmless and normal, he/she may establish a long-term relationship with you or even marry you. If all he/she wants is to have some fun, it will most likely be over within a short period of time, maybe even a couple of hours. If the Narcissist wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he/she may stay with you for as long as you excite him/her. Despite the differences in length of time or timeline that the Narcissist remains with ANY supply, what will remain constant is that eventually, you’ll be discarded as soon as you no longer serve his/her needs. This is just their daily cycle of engaging with people to get what the Narcissist needs and desires – again supply to keep them feeling alive, superior, omnipotent AND most importantly it protects them from seeing what they really are.
So, when does it all come DOWN???? All of a sudden you fall from the Narcissist’s graces and you become an obstacle in their next pursuit and the Narcissist is ready to fight the fight to dump you, but cautiously (without you having knowledge of it) and WHEN the time is just right OR perfect or when they have a new source of supply to move onto! They are setting “Narcissistic land mines” everywhere, so when they have moved on and you begin to “step back out” into the real world, you inevitably step on one of their bombs that blows up your integrity. These bombs are everywhere and the damage is too! They are in place to divert from the obvious truth that your Narcissist was a big CON artist, extortionist and abuser. BUT this con artist is going to con whomever they can into believing that it was you that was the problem and even the abusive person in the relationship. They cannot be exposed or it would put them out of business and they would be labeled as an ABUSER. So, with that in mind, the “great devaluation” fulfils our predestined destiny with the Narcissist and the losses are great. The Narcissist just moved on to start the cycle of abuse with another person.
OK so let’s review and examine the personal aspects of what happened to embrace the truth a little better and see this abuse EXACTLY for what it was and is. If and when that Narcissist did something nice, it was always instrumental or a means to an end and part of his/her con job or facade. So let’s apply it to the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde explanation. Dr. Jekyll is, in fact, always Mr. Hyde on the inside or that seething monster. WE are quite capable of love, BUT what have we fallen in love with? OK you probably already know the answer but I am going to say it regardless. You are NOT in love with the “real monster” or the Narcissist OR the cheater, the liar, the manipulator, the player, the hollow, heartless being and abuser that they are, but instead with the charming illusion they created, or the mask, the big lie, or the ‘Love Bomber’ that seduced you into this connection or relationship.
As a rule of thumb we don’t intentionally fall in love with monsters, generally there is always a superhero in life to defeat that monster or a local government agency that handles monsters and we escape unscathed. But that doesn’t happen in real life and as it concerns this abuse! But can we put a little spin or perspective on this! Narcissists are clearly predators as described by how they camouflage and manipulate us into a position to gain our trust and then extort us of everything we have as well as psychologically terrorize us in an effort to harm us AND to invoke fear to silence us in the end to protect themselves from being exposed. So in reality they fit the monster aspect but we have to become our own saviors and superhero to escape and gain our freedom once more.
That CHARMING person that swept you off of your feet and became the HARMING person in your life becomes increasingly transparent now. From beginning to end, this was a phony relationship that only offered you a toxic dose of fake love and real abuse. The Narcissist created a psychopathic bond through deception and manipulation, and LIES, LIES, LIES! We were seduced by them and maintained this relationship through self-sacrifice and denial. It is not what we wanted it was what we were led to do because of the vast arsenal of tools a Narcissist used/uses to psychologically seduce a target/victim.
OK – yes we do realize one day that we were duped by a Narcissist, BUT we are not weak or dumb and don’t ever believe that, nor did we deserve this abuse. It was not us versus the Narcissist as if we knew what we were dealing with and played along with the BIG CON job because we wanted to be abused! It is and always has been ONLY the Narcissist with the abusive agenda that was in the driver’s seat with the intent to use us AND harm us. They come into our life and then take up the battle they have with all life and people, so consequently we are the targets and victims and eventually the casualties. They CHARM us to HARM us – so the biggest lie or con starts the first day they meet us and start to pretend to love us. The biggest surprise of all comes with devaluation. He/she will act like your worst enemy, which is what the Narcissist really is, not the best friend and adoring partner he/she claimed to be OR the love of your life. The Narcissist will criticize you to others or more to destroy you. The Narcissist will subtly foster disparity by putting wedges in between you and your family members and friends. All of this is done in a manner to further wear you down, undermine and DAMAGE your connections and interactions with people and life in general or to divide, isolate, and conquer so that they still have control over you until they are able to run off safely to secure their next victim.
The Narcissist is VERY complete with his/her devaluation and abandonment. The Narcissist convinces or manipulates others to see you the same way that he/she does, or someone that is worthless, a deviant, garbage, a liar, perverted, or all of the above and more. The real truth and what it boils down to is that you were just another person the Narcissist used until they were satiated, then they demeaned and discarded you when they found another source or were busted because the truth of who and what they were came to the surface. Before you were amazing and no one could compare to you. Now you are at best plain in their eyes if not described as repulsive or ugly. Before you were special, intelligent, dignified, and confident – now you are described as mentally ill, the crazy one, obsessed, scorned and the Narcissist had to run for their life to escape your craziness or that YOU abused them! NO – you were just another sacrifice to meet the Narcissists needs and there will be others sacrificed as well.
Nothing was ever real – and those four words sum it up completely. This is emotional and psychological abuse and the target/victim is left vulnerable to sort all of this abuse out with more loss to come with the secret smear campaign that awaits them. There may be children involved, financial ruin, and even homelessness. There will be always be the nay-sayers that have to doubt that this is abuse and worthy of recognition and just respond with “move on?” There will also be the minions that are just that weak that they hang onto every word/lie a Narcissist speaks and follows them into battle to help destroy a target/victim? But they are not important to your recovery. The Narcissist is just that seductive and intuitive enough to brain-wash so many people into believing their con. These are abusive predators and extortionist and they are destructive. NO/MINIMAL CONTACT and boundaries that are impenetrable. Always remember this is THEIR circus, their monkeys, and their KARMA! Greg
Try as you may or have – nothing could have ever been right in this relationship with a Narcissist because there never was a relationship there to begin with.
Narcissists are a vast and empty void. They cannot sit down and experience a normal or real moment, a memory, or a connection to real happiness within themselves or reflect about their life because there is nothing there to reflect upon, only envy of a real life and people AND what they can’t achieve. Their inner world is angry, dark and lacks complete empathy. They don’t have any internal mechanisms to bond, love or care about anybody so instead they focus on AND feed their eternal neediness and pathological nature through extreme manipulation to fill that void with external stimuli OR those fleeting moments of Narcissistic elation. They seriously are like a three-year-old that has many toys all around them, playing with one or the other without a care, always wanting a different or a new one, and throwing a tantrum if they can’t have what they want, but even when they get what they THINK they want they are never completely happy with just one toy!
One of the most obvious signs of a malignant Narcissist is the way they constantly malign others. They are also constantly embellishing, remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, one-upping, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider in every relationship that love should never hurt a person nor take them down a road of destruction like it does with a Narcissist or abuse. Ultimately love can make us sad when we lose a loved one but that is the reality of unconditional love when someone near to us is suffering, or we lose them completely, that is more or less grieving a REAL connection between two normally functioning people. Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist is emotional and psychological abuse MEANT to intentionally harm and damage a target/victim that the Narcissist has chosen as their prey, and it by no means is anything near a conventional and loving relationship. Real love grows and doesn’t diminish another person’s spirit. Always remember that the love that you felt for this person was as much a part of the psychological abuse (love bombing) as was the devaluation stage. These were the tools of the Narcissists trade like the brain-washing, extreme manipulation, gas-lighting, pathological lying, hideous betrayal, many sexual partners, etc., or the cycle of abuse with a Malignant Narcissist. This TRUTH is what will set you free and able to start on your road to recovery!
Narcissists manipulate in a manner to control their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything – this is chaos and crazy making meant to confound and divert their target’s normal thoughts. This can be very evident at times, because it is a downright shocking and we have all been there shaking our heads in total disbelief at what they have said, done to us, or acted on. It can also be the very subtle day to day things or the many small manipulative and dehumanizing actions that disassemble the target/victim’s well-being slowly and methodically. BUT it is so perplexing that people actually disbelieve their very ears and more than often we dismiss it and justify it by thinking it is anger, a bad day, insecurity, jealousy, or they have some wrong information about us – BUT it is constant and consistent behavior meant to debase us. Unfortunately we spend our time trying to fix the situation, make it better, and avoiding the truth that this is just one of their tools in their vast arsenal of control and ultimately ABUSE. Little by little this behavior erodes the target/victim’s self-worth and creates an almost obsessive situation where the target/victim is constantly trying to avoid the conflict, keeping things peaceful, and walking on eggshells. There is never the opportunity for a “healthy self” in this relationship and you become a casualty of the constant psychological terrorism or abuse – essentially you become a shell of a person.
You can’t have reality in a situation where there is none, especially a situation that is constantly embellished with toxic and chaotic behavior that constantly pushes your buttons, plays with your emotions and takes you down to your lowest level. The Narcissist will ultimately step up their game of their abuse with betrayal, perhaps sexual indiscretions, pathological lies, gas-lighting, etc., but again this starts out as a slow and very ambiguous abuse. Unfortunately it disables the target/victims capacity to function normally within the relationship and then it is too late because the target/victim is somewhere between that emotional connection (love) and the vast confusion caused by the debasing and dehumanizing psychological warfare and blaming themselves, trying to fix the situation, looking for relief, feeling fearful, hurt, depressed, anxious, etc., etc.
Targets/victims are unaware that they have been living in what can only be compared to as an active battle zone. Most are unaware what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is or that it is a highly effective and debilitating abuse from a predator. Victims of Narcissistic abuse will over time display strong symptoms of trauma, avoidance behavior, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or eating difficulties, irritability, hyper-vigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness, physical illness, self-harming, and even thoughts of suicide. Targets/victims express deep seeded feelings of worthlessness, humiliation, shame, and self-blame. They have been conditioned to take responsibility for the Narcissist’s despicable behavior because they are constantly told they are the source of every problem and everything is their fault but yet they want to support, defend, and love the Narcissist despite what they have gone through. It almost becomes an addiction because abuse creates a toxic and unhealthy environment which in turn creates an unhealthy mind for the target/victim. The psychological abuse creates this unhealthy pattern of pleasing the Narcissist or ‘walking on eggshells’. Basically the target/victim becomes totally dependent on the Narcissist or what may seem like being addicted to them. The reason behind this is that the silent threat of abuse is always present with the debasing and dehumanizing and it is just too painful for the target/victim AND an automatic coping mechanism against overwhelming stress. The Narcissist has conditioned the victim to always feel disconnected.
In turn we avoid the pain because it is so deeply engrained in us and that it is all a target/victim knows from the daily emotional abuse, so like the addict we look for relief from ANY fix or the hope that things could turn back to the way they were or back to that cohesive relationship – unfortunately it never will. That love we believed in was just a huge con job that we believed was real, and the Narcissist focused on making us believe as if they were a real participant in the relationship – just want con artists do. Unfortunately the Narcissist used a strong emotion (love) to gain our trust and gain entry into our heart, mind, and life.
This abuse is NOT limited to ‘love’ relationships only. Narcissists can be family members like a mother/father, brother/sister, boss/co-worker, friend/relative or anyone for that matter. Targets/victims are often victimized by more than one person as well because they have only learned or known this dehumanizing abuse for a very long period or all of their lives especially if they are a child of a Narcissistic parent. They internalize an abusive message that there is something is wrong with them and that they deserve this kind of abuse, and then resign themselves to their fate and sometimes all throughout their lives. Targets/victims may not reach their potential in their personal or professional lives because they always have to stand in that dark and ominous shadow of their abuser(s) – and that is all they have ever known in the case of Narcissistic parents. They learn to live in the shadows without knowing why – and that why was born out of the debasing control from abuse at the hands of a Narcissist.
Victims of Narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake, misheard something, or done something wrong. Their confidence becomes so low that they have trouble making simple decisions, questioning and re-questioning things to make sure they get it right. This is a result from the emotional and psychological abuse used by Narcissists to erode their self-esteem, instill confusion and anxiety in their victim to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment – basically they have no self-worth. Gradually, the target/victim will NOT trust their own perceptions and doubt themselves completely. This more than often also induces depression and anxiety – two separate issues that will have to be dealt with as well as the ‘other’ consequences of this hideous abuse.
The target/victim is totally broken and unable to trust their own perceptions in life (the ones we take for granted as just knowing what to do in life, etc.,) so they isolate themselves because life is just too confusing and they fear it. The victim now doubts most everything about themselves, their thoughts and opinions, their actions, their ideas and ideals. Ask yourself here and now if you are experiencing this, maybe it is a feeling of hopelessness, fear, confusion, or just an abnormal sense of life, one where you feel very alone and without a real objective to change or fix this situation by moving on – or feeling stuck in life. Targets/victims will become co-dependent on the abuser for their reality and the Narcissist loves this because that is their goal – TOTAL CONTROL of your thoughts and actions and they are at the steering wheel driving this abuse full forward. Who does this but a highly disordered human being with a dark agenda? Who could take, steal away or destroy any portion of another person’s life for any reason yet alone the agenda of a highly disordered Narcissist that is basically driven by their own envy, hate AND an extortionist as well that wants everything they can take from another human being and life.
No relationship ever ends in such a shroud of hate and destruction as one that ends with a Narcissist. They annihilate every aspect of the relationship, the person, their life, their family, their friends AND basically everything in a manner to completely disable you/us. Every action and word that comes from a Narcissist is a bizarre and sadistic attack on your personal reality. It takes you from the goodness and normality that you have had all of your life to a dark place where you now have feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness because EVERYTHING you do is wrong, and you are basically worthless. Even after separation from a Narcissist, the abuse lives on because like a poison it has entered into every cell in your body and in the case of a Narcissistic abuse the poison destroys the mind and reality of their target/victim! This is the truth we must know and accept so we can dispel all of the blame and shame from being in this relationship and from there we can move forward to recovery. YES, we must get this and move on without reliving it over and over again. Remember this was NOT your fault, nor are you worthless, a bad person, mentally ill, obsessed, scorned or any of that garbage – YOU are a good an amazing person that was emotionally and psychologically abused and it is time to move on and back to a healthy and real life! No/minimal contact! Greg
There is no “one” real person inside of the Narcissist that is fully functioning or normal but instead there MANY made up facsimiles of people they imitate to cover up their dark reality to give them the ability to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people. They are biologically human beings with needs, and they look like us and basically even act like us, BUT they do not THINK like we do.
Seems complicated so how do they do it? When they meet you they will carefully access so many parts of your life and morph right into your twin – and WOW you have so much in common. SO, it naturally follows that there is no proper internal mechanism that exists or functions as it relates to a Narcissist having a normal and functioning ‘personality’ that can relate in a healthy manner with the outside world and the people in it. The reality that seems to exist (and I am very loosely using that word reality) is a thin veneer or skin that is like a mask or costume they CREATE and wear that corresponds with their needs at any given moment – and their needs are many! Their façade is very interchangeable as well, so it completely fools the rest of the world and protects the Narcissist from being EXPOSED as dark, envious, and loathsome person that they are.
You have probably heard this many times and I will repeat it once more – they are like a chameleon that is able to change the color of its skin to match its environment and they are amazingly adept at this. The Narcissist disengages or detaches from their dark inner self and recreates an image to wear for the public or their immediate world. This image is constantly projected to essentially allow themselves to ‘fit in.” Of course it is a good and likeable image that is very interchangeable AND even described as very charming but remember it was designed to camouflage themselves – and there you have it a different person for every different ‘need’. Personally, I would describe them as seductive because in reality they con artists that are after something they need. That ‘need’ is usually to trick their targets and use them as ‘Narcissistic Supply’ and just a major component of their survival. Basically, their functioning image is the biggest lie that this extortionist uses in their arsenal of deceit or ABUSE. Or as my friend said ‘compartmentalization’ – they compartmentalize us to fit the many different and exacting needs they have for each of us. Remember Narcissists are in every facet of life – be it a family member, a friend, a co-worker, perhaps a priest or preacher, attorney, doctor, next door neighbor, etc. Also remember that supply isn’t just limited to romantic relationships – if you have something they need or want, or they can better their social status by being in your company, or benefit by an association with you, they will be right there at your side getting whatever they are after. Once it is gotten they are gone and if you ever tried to make them accountable – YOU are gone as well.
So there is no real person there just a needy void looking for surrogate to supply them what they cannot achieve on their own – or you and I – now that is pretty messed up! The relationship with yourself, or the one that requires a conscience, morals, empathy, a soul, etc., is a pretty important relationship to be lacking COMPLETELY, and pretty much a requirement or prerequisite to being a functioning human being and living life NORMALLY as well as interacting with others. If you don’t relate to your own self or your life in a healthy matter, how can you relate to anyone else in a ‘healthy manner OR any manner for that matter?’ JUST MY POINT – a Narcissist lacks the mechanisms needed to be a ‘fully functioning human being’ so they invent what they need as they go along in life and we play along or join in unknowingly with their toxic and destructive game while they run off with all the goods. Basically EVERYONE is here to supply them OR fulfill their every need, be it financially as in a career, sexually to fulfill their physical needs, familial so ‘they’ have a proper ‘face’ to appear ‘normal, moral and ethical’, friends to help them shore up their façade and believe their ‘lies’, or whatever they can harvest and use from people to fill in the huge VOID that they are. None of us serve anything more OR are more than a “bit part” in the Narcissist deranged and disordered life. We function to serve a specified need the Narcissist has at a specific time, AND they have multiple relationships going on to secure all the supply they can get – but we are none the wiser!
A Narcissist lacks all social skills/graces in the most extreme ways because underneath their ‘seductive’ façade, they don’t honor any human rights, respect individuality, or obey any written law. They live life in an extremely pathological and abusive manner. They imitate a functioning human being and take everything they want and need through some extreme and manipulative methods. They also get bored easily with their conquests SINCE they lack the mechanisms to form healthy bonds (and decisions), so they STRAY very easily to keep the excitement and adulation flowing in their world. Now it is bad enough they are life’s extortionist but they also seem to envy and loathe all healthy loving people that would dare express their individuality, question them or demand accountability, so they lose their patience with us quickly and psychologically attack our minds in an effort to destroy our life as we know it – and if that doesn’t succeed they will just smear our integrity behind our backs. Remember they are also very protective with their big secret or lie about themselves – so if you catch on they are ready and loaded with an attack on your integrity that can literally destroy your life. Hmmmm, seems like they are very aware of what they are doing to always have a counteroffensive ready.
Like any other bully you have to disengage from the Narcissist COMPLETELY because if you don’t they will only attack you in unimaginable ways to destroy your COMPLETE integrity as well as your life. They have to win the battle they have with life, people and essentially the WHOLE world! You will ‘seemingly’ end up being the crazy one and the abuser because they will make you out to be everything bad/wrong just like a psycho bully would react to remove any blame from themselves and pass it onto you, basically their back-stabbing and smear campaign. Not a very pretty package at all. Just always remember, you haven’t done ANYTHING wrong to deserve this because they don’t function like other human beings. They don’t even have a clue what liking, caring or LOVING is so they live without it by pretending they know it, but you CAN’T pretend to love especially when you have no morals and it catches up with the Narcissist very quickly because they are so ‘out of control’ and careless.
Narcissists relate to other human beings as objects. You know objects, the things to use and ab-use for self-serving purposes. Things that have no rights, things that are inanimate, things that have no feelings. Perhaps a good example would be like a tool that performs a certain function, and we are just one of MANY of these “tools” that they USE.
So where did that ‘love’ go? Until the fact sinks in that the time they spent with us or anybody is never a ‘relationship’, but instead more of a pathological parasite feeding off of you/us, you just won’t “get” malignant Narcissism. You will keep acting on the premise that the Narcissist has some feelings JUST for you, or some sort of conscience, morals, ‘cares for’ or even loves you – and that premise couldn’t be further from the truth. It NEVER makes sense to you, so you keep blaming yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to do as if everything is your fault. You are always wondering whether it is you, or it is YOU that has temporarily lost your ability to relate NORMALLY in your relationship, or better yet you are crazy like your Narcissist is telling you. NO, it is the Narcissist that is literally the ‘crazy one’ or clinically has the ‘personality disorder’. Well it is classified as a personality disorder but still in all it is CRAZY behavior or better yet dehumanizing, demeaning, debasing, and destructive, AND psychologically abusive to anyone that has any sort of connection with them. Control is power to an abuser so whether you are attacked physically with a fist or attacked mentally with hideous, destructive and manipulating words, it is abuse from a disordered person, one that is not a fully functioning human being that lacks total empathy and love for their fellow man/womankind. You don’t intentionally CONTROL, harm, hurt, or destroy any creature on this planet for ANY REASON and these monsters do it every waking moment of their lives. Knowledge is power so educating yourself to completely understand this abuse is the first step to getting your healthy mind back and starting out on your road to recovery – well that and no/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
Let’s call this what it is ABUSE – and let’s call a Narcissist what they really are – a predator that seeks out prey by camouflaging themselves first, and then moving in for the kill or in the case of this abuse destroying a good person’s life!
The Narcissist preys upon unsuspecting people just like a predator that creates an unfair advantage over them. Then with the “agenda” of achieving supply they devour our individuality and resources and whatever else they can from us – they never pick a fair fight because IT IS ALL SMOKE AND MIRRORS to lure us into their trap. They are bullies, period that use lies and manipulation while hiding in the shadows to avoid being exposed by the light of the truth! REMEMBER THIS, they are able to control themselves in public, but they abuse behind closed doors when nobody but their target is present. That is a huge indicator that a Narcissist is VERY aware of their actions and keeps their abusive ‘self’ well-hidden and controlled. So the process is cognitive or the Narcissist is ‘thinking’ about what they are doing based on consequences, to protect themselves from exposure and that is why they lie to cover their tracks in every relationship that they leave. They know what they do is considered horrendous and dehumanizing to the people they harm, so they cleverly create a very positive and fake ‘Narcissistic mask’ in public that makes them out to be the next best thing to a saint, and they blame and shame the rest of the world for their sins so that they stand out as moral, honorable, good, and everything else to hide the real truth of just how disordered their world is. They are rationally thinking about their abusive actions and know if they are ever exposed they would be considered DANGEROUS or even criminals. Again all SMOKE and MIRRORS or a cognitive process (thinking) that is really cause and effect. The MASK that covers the truth! Don’t forget that they even create their own little army of minions that will sing the Narcissist’s praises and protect that façade – all part of what they do to again to avoid exposure!
A relationship with a Narcissist is more like imprisonment, slavery, and constant punishment! This abuse is denigrating and a hateful crime against any person and simply the Narcissist attacking people and using them. Nobody has a right to dehumanize and abuse people in a judicial and FREE WORLD but it seems like Narcissists do and they also seem to get away with it because they are smart enough to disguise the horrendous truth of what they are! Think about this, don’t you have the right to be the way you are and to function normally and to LOVE? Do you have to be some specific character in the Narcissist’s fictional life that has to conform to his/her specifications or else be abused? You know the answer to this and that is of course NO. So, the message here is that you have to completely understand the truth of your situation and that is it is abusive, dehumanizing, and destroying you, your self-esteem, your self-worth, your integrity or basically your whole life!
Let’s call the situation and the perpetrator what they really are. The Narcissist attacks because he/she is a predator, period. Predators seek out and attack any prey that crosses their sights, period. Therefore, the prey is NEVER the reason of blame. It would make as much sense to blame a mouse for getting attacked by a cat. So what does the cat think or say, “I attacked that mouse because it deserved it or it is an obnoxious or a crazy mouse and deserves to be abused and destroyed because it is not as superior as me!” Who would fall for this crazy reasoning? The cat attacks the mouse simply because it is a predator by nature and the mouse is its prey.
Being “too this” or “too that” is no excuse for the Narcissist to dehumanize, debase, and disable you or MORE importantly attack your individuality or YOU just because YOU are being the real person you are. Demanding decent and respectful treatment and your individual and BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS that you deserve is no excuse for the Narcissist to abuse you and you must understand this to break their spell over you to get out of the fog. I don’t care how “threatened” any of this makes the poor, twisted Narcissist feel. Their perverted feelings are their problem, not yours. Like a terrorist the Narcissist will never run out of twisted excuses to rationalize their attacks on you. This is their abusive and perverse nature period and not something you did that caused them to abuse you as they did. They are abusers and will always be and that is reason enough to run from them and NEVER return.
The perceptions of the Narcissist are truly their reality. If you look back you have never been able to change or influence their perceptions because they got louder and completely ignored your every word to the contrary concerning any of their delusional actions, especially if it concerned their own accountability. The Narcissist has a one-track mind that simply concentrates on their own needs period and anything else that gets in the way of them achieving what they want will be destroyed or obliterated in the process.
If you couldn’t effect change with them living in a close relationship, then don’t waste your time and effort ever trying AGAIN because they have one direction they follow and that is their own abusive agenda. They live in their own world and no matter how false or unreal it appears to you, for them it is reality because it has to be for them to survive among us. As soon as a Narcissist begins to perceive that you have a voice of your own and a right to existence, the trouble starts and then there is no return because there is no possibility of two-way communication with them. The more you push your individualism forward the more resistance from the Narcissist. Their façade is impenetrable and has to be or they would self-destruct if people knew the truth.
It is extremely painful, to come to the conclusion that people who have meant a great deal in your personal (or professional) life can ACTUALLY destroy you and you have to disengage with them completely and literally to save your life. Sit back for a moment and really think about that and it is a hard pill to swallow. It is EXTREMELY painful, but the alternative is only to continue the descent along the dark path of self-destruction. Stop it all and finally break the chain that keeps you tied to an abuser. Everything you have built with this person was done in vain, and if you keep believing or buying into the games/lies with the hope to catch a glimpse of what things were like when you lived in the illusion they fabricated for you, you will only be drawn back into the abuse over and over again. The promises like a life journey together or sharing the joys of REAL love, a future, intellectual fulfillment, dreams, goals, etc., were all part of the abuse agenda to only control you and keep you chained to the abuse so the Narcissist could continue to get their needed fix of supply.
Unfortunately you have to learn and accept that the psychological and emotional investment you made in a Narcissist is/was valueless, and you have to write them off completely as dangerous. If you continue any type of association with them, you will only lose your soul and hand it over to a deceitful, perverted and loathsome character that will use and drain the rest of your life right out of it. It is just incomprehensible that they have the cognitive ability to plan and scheme as they do to trap us, debilitate their target, know it is wrong, lie about their actions to cover up their tracks, destroy our good name, extort everything they can, and run off as they do to another unsuspecting target. Sounds more like a well-planned out process to me. You must accept the truth about them so that any bond you feel you have with them is completely broken to move onto recovery. You cannot allow yourself to stay in this relationship, or in the shadow of their abuse because you will victimize yourself over and over again until you accept the truth and DISCARD the Narcissist forever. Get out of their head and trying to figure out what you could have or should have done to fix any of this – you cannot fix a Narcissist nor should you justify the fact that they abused you. You have to leave them completely behind after you have educated yourself enough to know the truth – after that there is nothing else left but moving forward and on your path to healing recovery.
One day you will see the complete picture and it will never make what they did better, but you will understand because you have finally been educated into what they are and what YOU aren’t. A Narcissist is a dead giveaway in the way they create their delusional turmoil after each and every departure from one of their con jobs or relationships as the Narcissist prefers to call them. While they are running away like the thieves they really are with their tails between their legs, they are really running away from the truth of who and what they are and attacking YOUR integrity as a preemptive attack to protect themselves. We are the truth they are running from as they are throwing lies back at us in an effort to smear our integrity and destroy us. They never can or will admit to what they have done, instead they will always ‘move on’ as they call it and into someone else’s life to find shelter, create a new family or support network, and take what they can emotionally and physically.
Targets/victims of Narcissistic abuse must understand this. This is ABUSE first, and it is ALWAYS wrong, unacceptable, perverse, and an act against humanity. Survival for the target/victim should be considered as important as a 911 emergency where any target/victim is treated in a manner that saves their lives with whatever help is necessary to end the cycle of abuse and help the target/victim achieve recovery. Likewise the offender (Narcissist) should be treated in a manner that defines his/her actions that caused the damage to the target/victim and not protected by justifications that this abusive Narcissist couldn’t help themselves because they have a personality disorder. Let that Narcissist go and they will be abusing another person for supply within minutes – that describes what they are and what they do! THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR THIS ABUSE OR FOR THE ABUSER!! This particular abuse is NEVER singular because it affects entire families, even organizations. A little note here, I am not suggesting that a person actually call 911 unless it is a real emergency – I was only using that as an example to make a point. Begin your journey to healing and recovery with no/minimum contact. Once you are educated with the truth then you will start out on the journey that WILL take you to recovery. Greg
This is not just ending a relationship and grieving the emotional connection with another person – this was emotional and psychological abuse that traumatizes the victim! This abuse is debilitating, and the victim needs love, help, support and most importantly heard and understood so that they can move forward and get the necessary help and then go back out into the world feeling mentally, emotionally and physically healthy again – that and to able to trust people.
This type of abuse has exposed you to horrible manipulation, confusion, betrayal, resounding fear and terror because of the coercive methods from the Narcissist as well as dehumanizing control and TRAUMA. It is not the target/victim JUST grieving the loss of love, it is the grieving of the dehumanization and subjugation from their perpetrator or the Narcissist. The target/victim bundles everything up and somehow even blames themselves as if they created everything they are feeling as well as deserve it. There may be biological children involved, financial ruin and character assassination waiting for the target/victim as well from the Narcissist’s smear campaign. This is probably the darkest time of the target/victim’s life having to deal with the total devaluation, discard, and devastation from someone that they BELIEVED loved them and cared for them! This is betrayal so hideous that a person that has never experienced this abuse could NEVER even start to realize the damage that is done to a target/victim and the extreme trauma it causes to them and their life.
Time alone does not heal these wounds! Unfortunately for the target/victim there is the tendency where family, friends, loved ones, or people in general will account for the target/victim’s behavior as flaws in THEIR personality as if they gave into or deserved the abuse because they did not leave the Narcissist. Nobody is listening to the real truth of your situation because it sounds so incredulous so the pleas for help are lost with the misinterpretation of your situation. Once AGAIN, the target/victim is left with more isolation, damage, vulnerable AND alone to figure this out on their own. Most people just presume that THEY would have been more resourceful or show greater courage, strength, and resistance if THEY were the victim and in similar circumstances. They will just tell the target/victim to move on and allow time to heal the wounds. What does this message say or do to the target/victim? It makes them BELIEVE that they ARE the source of their own problems and it is reinforcing the abuse from the Narcissist instead of helping. This is a very lonely and scary place to be!
With emotional and psychological battering or abuse victims are entrapped by extreme manipulative and psychological persuasion over a lengthy period of time or basically brainwashing. What was the nature of our perpetrator when we met them? Did they have us at gunpoint forcing us into this psychological terrorism or did they offer us something so very familiar, normal, trustworthy and welcoming called LOVE? Yes, they did and if that doesn’t define a predator I don’t know what does! I have met very many wonderful friends that were victims of this abuse from all over the world since I started writing that I interact with daily and they are some of the strongest and most centered people I have ever encountered. There isn’t anything about them that shouts out to me that they allowed their abuse! They are full of love, empathy and high functioning individuals!
Well let’s go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let’s define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced and unhealthy and basically not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or they are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims. The key words that describes the whole cycle of abuse is love-bombing, devaluation, discard and I always add smearing or destroying the victim’s integrity and most importantly traumatization! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled.
The journey to recovery is now a process because we were unconsciously living and dealing with all the destructive messages we internalized and validated as our reality. We MUST seek out education about this abuse and the truth about our situation as a key to unlock the door to our recovery. Yes those messages are going to be in our head for a good while BUT we have to create a healthy balance and desensitize them with a strong education about these perpetrators of this personality disorder. What this means is that we have to move into a place where it is possible for us to recognize that a person HAS betrayed us in a manner to control us through psychological and emotional l abuse. We have to think about it in terms to validate the truth of the situation, but not to try to dissect the Narcissist and put our energy into trying to get into their heads or constantly reliving the abuse with more and more questions as if we could have done something to fix this relationship and the Narcissist. We spent a great deal of time trying to fix or basically heal them and we gave away too much of ourselves. Turn this around and accept the truth that they are completely disordered and put that healing power back into yourself.
The recovery process is so multi-dimensional that it means that there are really no simple answers to the question “how do I stop the pain and what do I do to move forward with my recovery?” There are answers that we need to have in the beginning of our recovery but they are basically concerning the educational process and a tried and true direction so we are ‘in the know’ about this disorder and can get our ‘ah ha’ moment and move forward with the truth.
The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure – UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation and abuse. Believe me they are not going to help you through your process of recovery when they were your abuser. They have probably already run off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. That would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from already as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along.
Seriously I had to shut my Narcissist down with complete no-contact or go insane listening to the craziness! It was crystal clear what I was dealing with and I did shut it down. I would still be receiving emails and text messages to this day if I didn’t. It was like a party to this Narcissist being able to have free range raging at me, making fun of me, telling me sick and perverted stories of their crazy sex life, and projecting every horrendous thing this Narcissist did ‘onto and into’ me. That was enough for me to actualize just how dysfunctional this person was/is. Seeing and hearing them when their mask is off is frightening and eye opening. It was like projectile lies and ‘crazy making’ being shot at me from everywhere.
It is important for all of us to be validated as it concerns this abuse, but that validation has to come from ourselves because a Narcissist is NEVER going to allow themselves to be exposed as an abuser. In fact, that Narcissist is STILL abusing AFTER THE FACT through a vicious smear campaign using every piece of personal information they have learned against you. This is just more of their devaluation and when they abandon you they mean to leave no trace of your reality in tact SO THEY CAN FEEL SAFE and avoid exposure!
The Narcissist has manipulated and managed us down and into not trusting OUR own feelings and perceptions. Over the years we internalized this twisted and distorted relationship and bent our own emotions until we almost snapped in half in an effort to fix the relationship we THOUGHT we had. We can’t buy into those distortions and recover. That process is still running through our heads even though they have physically parted from our lives and we MUST shut this down. It was a horrendous roller coaster ride to keep us in a state of confusion and fear with so many ups and downs with no end to the ride and now it is time to jump off.
As hard as it may seem for us to purge all of the abuse out of us, it CAN be done. We were normal and psychologically sound people pre-Narcissist and we can get back to what and who we once were. It does require deep introspection and setting up new and strong boundaries in our life and even taking a look at our part in any of this. There are many theories out there and they all have their purpose, but it has to begin with us. Get healthy first by breaking completely away from the emotional tie or that bond that only you formed with the charming lies from the Narcissist. This can be done with minimal contact as well (when there are divorce proceedings or biological children) – BUT everything that ties you to a Narcissist has to be BUSINESS only because remember they abuse and want to always have that control over you to drag you back in – DON’T let them.
You HAVE the ability to change if you deprogram the messages that have been imprinted on your mind but only if you ALLOW yourself to be your OWN motivator in this process. Just say ‘NO’ to the Narcissist. Remember the old drug campaign that showed an egg as describing your ‘healthy’ brain, and then it showed that same egg in a frying pan stating this is your brain on drugs (the fried egg.) Well just switch that around to the fried egg being your brain by accepting a Narcissist as any part of your life or recovery. Please understand no/minimal contact and start on your road to recovery, it is imperative to moving on! All of this starts with no/minimum contact! Greg
Deprograming our minds from the many questions and mixed messages from this abuse with KNOWLEDGE and EDUCATION so that the abuse isn’t like an avalanche of mixed or confounded thoughts that leave a target/victim feeling like there is no place to start as far as recovering, because it sure can feel that way.
Recognizing and understanding emotional/psychological abuse is definitely where we must start. What I mean about this is simply actualizing the truth that we were abused by a personality disordered individual. This is a necessary process of validation so we can purge out all of the negativity and feelings of worthlessness that have been forced down our throats and into our conscious and sub-conscious mind from the manipulative control and mind games of a Narcissist. We have to start by having a healthier relationship with ourselves and STOP beating ourselves up with the repetitive messages that play in our minds that somehow we were the cause of anything that would enable another person to abuse us – or worse yet that we deserved this abuse.
We MUST stop defining ourselves through the negative messages from our abuser and redefine ourselves with new and positive messages. We have to switch our energy back into ourselves and away from the Narcissist and the abuse we experienced. We need a mental health vacation so to speak so we gain the necessary clarity to start the recovery process. This is a must and what got me to my recovery. My point here is that a strong education and knowledge of this abuse and the personality disordered Narcissist will give you that ‘ah ha’ moment where you see that this wasn’t YOU being crazy, worthless, wrong, bad, obsessed, a horrible person, or any of the negative things the Narcissist described you as. You will also understand that this abuse disabled and traumatized you emotionally and psychologically with extreme manipulation, gas lighting, and YES even brain washing. That is what slowly but surely managed you down to believe the atrocities that the Narcissist accused you of throughout this entire relationship with them and has you feeling so lost, empty, and stuck after the discard or parting from this Narcissist.
I can probably recite verbatim how you spend so many of your days feeling so alone and confused about your situation. Days that you probably feel like you just wanted to lay down on the couch and hide from the world. You probably feel such an overwhelming tidal wave of negative emotions flushing through you. These emotions are real because you BELIEVED this was love but what is at the root of this is the psychological abuse that managed you down to feel so worthless now and it is all so conflicting in your head! It is a mix of emotional withdrawal from the relationship ending so abruptly as well as the overwhelming confusion as to why this happened and all the hate that is surrounding you from your abuser. There are no answers at your fingertips just this overwhelming sense of doom. Even though you know you were fighting an uphill battle every day you were with this Narcissist it may still seem very real to you. This all has to be put into the correct perspective so you realize that even though your love was real (to you) it wasn’t real to the person that purposely abused and extorted your love as well as put you into this place that disabled you.
You feel worthless, physically unattractive, anxious, and depression sneaks its way into the equation and you just want to find a way to end all of the pain. Your first thoughts are to contact your Narcissist, but you are guarded and even scheming about how you can make contact without seeming interested JUST TO GET A SMALL CHANCE at some sort of connection and even a reconciliation or SOMETHING to ease this pain. This is just all of your distorted realities that you have become accustomed to from being a prisoner of this abuse with your tormentor, but THIS time it is different because this is the BIG discard. But what sits in the back of your mind is that you have felt like you have been discarded many times before and is it any different this time? Your mind is still locked up in the confusion you only knew throughout your relationship with them. But then the realization sets in that they are off and into another person (supply) and that eats at your soul.
All of this keeps you running in a circle and you are jumping from one distortion to another and never accomplishing anything but adding more to your own grief and more and more levels of confusion to an already confused state of mind. It is exhausting and it feels like there is no way out. You even feel fearful of life in general and lacking a general consciousness of the reality around you. There doesn’t seem to be any relief and you almost feel like you are completely losing your mind and headed straight toward a mental breakdown or even insanity. It is just TOO OVERWHELMING. This is why you have to move on and away from these thoughts and that Narcissist completely. It is your survival and your life at stake now. This is so different from any other breakup you may have experienced in the past (with a normal person) and THAT is the emotional and psychological damage that has been inflicted on you by this Narcissist!
Everything is one huge confusing blur. It is like someone has wrapped you up in layer upon layer of darkness, fear, angst, confusion, depression, anxiety, pain, sleeplessness and everything you have never experienced before. You feel like you are completely disabled. You are forgetful and just don’t seem to care. ALL OF THIS IS TRAUMA from being abused. You probably don’t sleep well and if you do you have nightmares. How do you fix this? How do you get them out of your mind? How do you move forward? Who do you turn to? People listen but they don’t see the severity of the situation! You are reaching out to a world that doesn’t understand how debilitating this abuse is because they don’t see a black and blue mark on your body or a broken arm, but the truth is that you are so lost in all of this wondering who you can turn to for HELP! You have been injured but the scars are on the inside where nobody can see them so your abuse is INVISIBLE to everyone but yourself. So is it real or what the heck is going on. IT IS REAL – enough said!
When we seek out the knowledge as well as the support of other victims and survivors that is when we understand that we are not ALONE in what we experienced OR what we are feeling. The education and knowledge WILL give you perspective enough to help offset the vast confusion and disabling effects of the abuse and give you a new direction or the truth and validation to understanding that YOU are OK, YOU can move forward, there is a name to this as well other people that HAVE experienced this and recovered. The further you walk forward into this knowledge the more you will learn about recovery, who to reach out to, the support systems available, solutions, answers and so much more! YOU are amazing, YOU are strong, and YOU can and will recover from this when you empower yourself with the knowledge that will lead you to the truth of your situation and closure. This is a personal journey and a process that you must commit to because what is at stake is your life, well-being, happiness, and a healthy future where you can and will return to the world again. No/minimum contact to start on your journey! Greg
A Narcissist is a great actor that draws from his/her audience to create a reality that is believable or real enough that the audience becomes completely engaged with the story, emotions, beliefs, feelings or all of it. The audience in return believes this character, their fake script and engages with them – unfortunately the reality of it all is that it is only a show and with a bad ending.
FIRST and FOREMOST, most of us fell in love with one of these Narcissists – but it was FAKE, not real, a con job and a means for them to use us as Narcissistic supply. Huge and I mean an ABSOLUTELY huge betrayal and the sign of a highly disordered individual, so implant this message firmly into your mind! They thrive on admiration so they select an audience or a particular person that fulfills their particular need at any particular time that they have that need and that is key here. We were all objectified to fulfill THEIR NEEDS. Like a great actor, a Narcissist draws from the audience/person to create a reality that is believable and we, as the audience, become engaged with the complete story, emotions, beliefs, feelings and all. We empathize with the character in that fake script and we believe that show they put on for us.
The Narcissist is just like that actor, but he/she isn’t doing it for entertainment purposes – this is their whole life and reality that is ALL based on lies. We don’t know it is a huge con job at the time because our hearts are ruling our heads and we don’t know that he/she (the person we are with) is not a fully functioning human being as well that lacks any and all empathy. Furthermore, we do not know they are abusive and will destroy our lives and run off with whatever they can take from us. Read this paragraph to anybody that hasn’t experienced this abuse and they will probably shake their head in disbelief and think you are crazy – BUT IT IS THE TRUTH. NOW imagine if you will that it is JUST as crazy for us (target/victims) to relate to and try to put it in a realistic perspective to create our own closure and recover from a predator that attacked our lives in this manner! This is new to you and at this point you have spent more time in the NON-truth of your situation than you have with the truth that you are finally realizing. So it is a process to achieve the clarity and that is how no contact is going to help you achieve this.
If we honestly evaluate what has happened during the aftermath, we can identify times where we were in full-fledged denial of the obvious facts – I sure was! Our partners had changed and we chose to believe that their viciousness and cruel behavior was caused by something we had done wrong. A big NO to that because we were in denial of this barrage of manipulation that a shrewd Narcissist used to fulfill their agenda. Our intuition WAS warning us but our hearts and mind were ignoring that. It is also not a sign of weakness or stupidity on our part, instead it was a slow and insidious process of extreme manipulation, betrayal and brain-washing that stole our self-esteem and changed us. It is not hard to understand how it could happen because a Narcissist employs an array of manipulation techniques that warps human emotions AND the very ones we all cherish and try to emulate into our lives – and that is love. Love is many things that includes happiness, trust, personal bonding, empathy, attraction, growth, etc., or a very normal, unconditional and REWARDING emotion that can be real with a real person, and once again the Narcissist was nothing even near real. They know about love but they use a “fake love” to grab our trust, take what they wanted, then destroy it all right in our faces and manipulate us back to take more – basic and negative conditioning!
So, we fell (were conned) into LOVE. But an unnatural and abusive love is nothing even remotely near a normal love and it comes with a great price. That price is the very truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem and belief system. We constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND ourselves and in doing so, our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools. Their manipulation, betrayal, control, lies and acting out “trained” us to provide them with supply and they stepped up the game to get the most, if not ALL they could from us OR until they were caught and identified as the monster they are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth and THIS became our normal trying to make this work. We didn’t give them the power to abuse us, we MISTAKINGLY opened our hearts with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise. THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO because they repeat this cycle many times over with many people and lie to cover it all up!
So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship) that believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, love, individuality, AND a real relationship, we just tried to follow the natural flow or path of a NORMAL relationship. Unfortunately, what we didn’t know is that we had inadvertently set the stage for Narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them. That is a big NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM. Like a spoiled child, a Narcissist will act out in rage against ANY individual who is keeping them from getting what they want constant supply, admiration, adulation and total control over their target. So, what that interprets into is ANY individual that has personal needs (or basic individuality) is in direct conflict to the Narcissist’s agenda of complete admiration and adoration. You and I both know that can’t be remotely possible in any given relationship.
During what I call my “processing phase” I thought about all the arguments that seemed to come from nowhere and escalated to an “out of control” status for absolutely no reason. There were never any questions asked, instead there were always accusations from my Narcissist CONCERNING me. I was everything bad or evil, everything mentally ill. I was perverse, having affairs, lying, cheating, stealing and anything else bad that this Narcissist could think up. It was the creative and DESTRUCTIVE mind of a highly disordered person acting out of their deep seeded pathology. These were really diversions and projections of what this Narcissist was actually doing to me and they were shoved down my throat in an effort for this Narcissist to release from the shame and blame they should HAVE OWNED themselves for these hideous acts. Unfortunately I didn’t have the education to process this as Narcissistic projection and shame dumping, so I processed all of this the best I could and that was by basically shaking my head in complete confusion!
Next it was an attempt to make me feel totally and unequivocally unworthy through making fun of me, triangulating, back-stabbing, isolating, silencing and punishing me. This defines the relationship with a Narcissist, or totally and hysterically dysfunctional with an edge that always serves the Narcissist’s agenda. I reflected many times on some of the Narcissists arguments or statements that now seem so characteristically insecure and childlike to me. It was such a surprise coming from an adult, but I justified it and wrote it off as this Narcissist’s “immaturity.” I wanted this Narcissist to be the person I believed the Narcissist to be when my heart assigned itself to loving this Narcissist and somehow I would resolve or justify my own beliefs. If you love them, you will accept them for WHO they are and work with them, time will work to heal all of this and the bigger picture was what was important to me. Too bad I didn’t realize the PSYCHOPATHY behind all of this. REMEMBER there was a great deal of “love bombing” so the Narcissist could gain our trust to get us to believe they were our soul mate that LOVED us – and that created the emotional bond to them. I wasn’t overlooking the obvious because I wasn’t seeing the WHOLE picture or the lies, cheating, betrayal, brain-washing and everything else that is kept so hidden from all of us. That doesn’t happen right away but instead when it is too late and you have formed that strong emotional bond with them AND after they have been subtly gaslighting, manipulating, and conditioning us.
That is, perhaps, the most difficult and devastating outcome of a Narcissistic relationship, mustering up the strength as well as adopting the position to accept that your partner was just pathologically abusive and cruel AND now you must abandon them and the relationship COMPLETELY or ‘no contact!’ It is a difficult and an unnatural process to have to dump the past completely, as well as your emotions, dreams, plans, the family structure (they abandon/abuse their own biological children as well), with all of those years you spent together and the memories that are also fake. IT IS AN ABHORATION of human life as well as human dignity to use/harm/destroy another individual in the manner a Malignant Narcissist does. After you get to your ‘ah ha’ moment or the truth, you are then left with the arduous task of finding yourself again with this monkey on your back.
So here we are with the truth. We have to stand up again and brush ourselves off and start walking forward again and realize our own culpability in the exchange with this Malignant Narcissist. We believed it was love when it wasn’t, and we are in a place that is called abuse (which is new to the equation) and the journey to recovery must start NOW through this understanding of JUST HOW DISORDERED this partner was to our entire life. Now we MUST go “no contact” because we have educated ourselves with the truth and we have to stop anymore attempts on the Narcissist’s part to abuse us anymore BECAUSE THEY WILL.
Apart from all of that, I live and I love again as an outcome of taking the first step of ‘no contact.’ Now I accept that there are people in this world who represent darkness and evil and I DO NOT allow them anywhere near my life. It is not my place to fix them, make them better or to even tolerate them. Life is good without Narcissists/Psychopaths and toxic people that always try to drag us into their negativity and backward world. I also know myself better, I am myself, I love myself, I enjoy life, and find the world a wonderful place to be in. I have good and great relationships. I know that I finally faced the truth and worked through it which included fixing certain parts of ME. I was not a deer frozen in the headlights and stayed in that position dazed forever. I was an adult with many resources and I learned how to use them. I accepted that abnormal people had entered into my life. I accepted that they left damage in their wake and I needed to get them out of my life. Unless you do that, unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out. You will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU, instead it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life. Educate yourself and go “no contact” AND educate others once you understand the reality of this abuse and the damage it does to many undeserving and beautiful people. You are amazing and you CAN and will beat this! No/minimal contact always! Greg
The Narcissist is basically grooming others WITH a deceptive agenda – divert, divide, conquer and control. In a normal relationship, people go out of their way to prove that they are trustworthy, but a Narcissist does exactly the opposite. They are constantly throwing subtle hints out there that make you and keep you feeling insecure. Perhaps they may be pursuing other people, other options, or spending their time with other people, so that you can never really settle down or feel secure or have any sense of a real connection with them. Mine sure did! They want to keep you on the edge of confusion and chaos constantly. They will always compound this manipulative ploy by denying it if you should bring it up in a conversation, calling you jealous, possessive, ALWAYS starting a fight, or even crazy. The Narcissist works everything they do into every possible vantage point (or spin) to control and manage you down. Where you started off and became accustomed to such a high level of charm and flattering attention – after they first lured you in with the extreme charm and love bombing – NOW feels very personal and unnerving because they are directing that attention elsewhere and they know what they are doing – devaluing you and controlling you through managing you down.
They have a methodology to put all of this into place, so some examples. They will perhaps totally cancel plans with you, or spend a day with a ‘good’ friend AND perhaps the very one that supposedly complains about or dislikes YOU, or a friend you have never even heard mentioned before. They will ignore you perhaps saying they are spending more time with their family or close friends, and again they have probably told you that they were all horrible people and trouble makers in the first place but now they want to spend time with them – those mixed messages that confuse! They will keep you waiting until the last minute as far as it concerns finalizing plans and perhaps cancel at the last moment. They are never clear about plans perhaps suggesting something and then never mentioning it again. They will say they are going out to dinner with work friends out of the blue and it just doesn’t seem to make sense! They will seek the sympathy of an ex when there is a problem or tragedy in their personal life, and then explain that they just have such a “special bond or friendship” that you wouldn’t or couldn’t understand. More than often that ex is someone they first claimed was crazy, a problem, abusive and unstable. Remember everything is all concocted garbage to manage you down and to make you feel detached as if you are not worthy, important or their first ‘go to person.’ In my particular situation most of these themes were used repeatedly but in reality ‘my Narcissist’ was never with whomever ‘my Narcissist’ said they were with. You can use your imagination to figure out the rest.
When you are going through this it is never apparent because so much abuse is circling around all of your conscious thoughts that you never have the time to think anything through with any sense of reality or realizing the real truth that what they say is just more of their ‘crazy making!’ You never truly get through one level without other levels piling up on top of each other. The Narcissist is basically pitting YOU against a false situation AND people to make you feel that you just don’t meet up with the Narcissist’s expectations or what they expect of you. It is the process of managing what you do or have done down through the Narcissist’s incredulous and fake stories to make everything and everybody seem so much better than you OR anything they do better than what YOU do. Think about this and then ask yourself this very important question is any type of relationship a competition? Then ask yourself why you felt you had to try harder and harder.
So what it boils down to is that this is just an attention seeking tactic that the Narcissist procures by managing us down to make us feel that we are not worthy enough by constantly comparing us to other people to make us feel that they are better and worthier than us. You in turn feel that the Narcissist should be embracing your unconditional acts of love or caring AND seeking comfort in you as they did in the beginning – this is how normal people relate in a normal relationship. You’ve always helped and healed them in the past, and been there for them, so what is up or what is different now? They once proclaimed their unending love as well as claimed that you were the reason they were so happy. But now, they turn to friendships or past relationships instead of you, and they embellish the situation with subtle hints to make you feel that YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. This is also part of the devaluation phase for sure and you wonder if perhaps you are jealous or you SHOULD do better – and there you have it!
Let’s take it a little further and look at technology. We now live in an era where technology makes it so much easier for Narcissists to manipulate and triangulate on social media sites that we all seem to use. It can be as simple as the Narcissist liking a comment from a complete stranger, old friend, or an ex, while ignoring ones from you. They will upload photos where they are with an ex, family or anybody they claimed to dislike or hate before. Everything APPEARS to be unintentional and you attribute it to the Narcissist’s insensitivity toward YOU, but make no mistake – it is carefully calculated and placed there with an agenda in mind. They are always looking for supply by seducing anyone and everybody into their game as well as being braggarts and using media as a form of Narcissistic public relations.
They will strategically post ambiguous statuses that suggest you might be “losing” them. They will share things that are intentionally meant to lure in new and old targets by keeping their status as single. For example, the Narcissist may have an ongoing conversation with someone that is a stranger to you and more than likely a possibility for a new source of supply for the Narcissist. This does many things to the target/victim by first leaving them feeling confused, anxious, isolated and YES probably jealous – BUT it also makes and this new person (or potential new supply) NOW feel confident, loved, and special. That Narcissist is looking for and grooming others as they erode your identity and essentially killing two birds with one stone. They are putting themselves out there for whatever may come their way (as they always do in reality – but now you can see it in writing)! They are very subtle, strategic and efficient with their agenda ALWAYS. They seriously bump this up after the discard to really disable you to feel completely worthless, as well as rub their new and amazing life in your face – just a little more abuse to already add to the devastation. Nobody with any integrity or empathy would make someone that loved them and they supposedly loved back feel this way. A Narcissist seriously gets off on this. You have to wonder just how the new supply doesn’t see through this, but they don’t (in time they will experience it too.) Narcissists are masters at controlling people and spinning situations.
It is just simply described as bait and switch! They actually want you to confront them about these things, because they are MADE to seem minor in nature BUT by you mentioning something it will make you appear crazy and jealous just for bringing it up. They will calmly provide that ‘excuse’ for everything and then blame you in a manner to make you seem obsessed, jealous, etc. It is basically impossible to prove, because it is always strategically placed and ambiguous. You can’t prove that they’re luring in new supply with some sort of personal connection but you know it – and THAT is called your intuition. This is the icing on the cake or how they finalize their crazy-making. Think about mentioning or complaining about a social site status or comments that the Narcissist makes, and it does seem immature to ask, and that is exactly how they want you to feel, and that is how they strategize and trap you. Seriously there are no secrets or surprises when you love another person in a normal relationship. Intuition is always a strong indication and something I believe we have all ignored in favor of trying to fix the relationship or make things right! Hind sight is always 20/20 as they say and looking back at all of this it is so much clearer to me personally – but when your mind and heart are enmeshed with the manipulation, chaos, crazy making and everything else it is too confusing and it overwhelms you at too many levels to think clearly as you can when you are away from the situation.
You will try to give them more positive reinforcement in response to the managing down, but it will NEVER be enough. The Narcissist WILL eventually get bored with you BECAUSE they can’t form healthy human bonds. There will always be a current entourage of new supply and fans that will always be there spoiling and admiring them, making you believe that the Narcissists really is a great person. Think of it ONLY as the Narcissist’s public relations plan, always recruiting and using any opportunity for new supply!
But take a careful look at your own thoughts because most of these fans are just a fleeting fantasy that the Narcissist capitalizes on and most don’t have that strong personal connection, or they were just a sexual conquest that hangs around. All that praise on the social sites is just carefully placed because the Narcissist is networking for future support or supply. Social networking sites are an extension of the fake mask they wear in public. Many of those pictures are just selfies to support their stories and lies and more than likely the person in these pictures with them may be wise about how disordered this Narcissist, and it was just a photo opportunity that the Narcissist took advantage of to say ‘look at me, I am just that special!’
In the end we HAVE to internalize the truth even as hard as it is to do so. The sad reality is that this becomes clear once you are well on your way to recovery, so be patient because it is a process. If we would have understood this in the beginning, we would not have suffered through the abuse. BUT real information is necessary to move forward so you become clear and CAN recover. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!
After the discard you are dealing with so many corrupt messages meant to only abuse AND control you more and more into a submissive and silent role. It is done to basically silence you by making OR pointing you out to be the ‘crazy one’ or the trouble maker so the Narcissist avoids exposure. Very much of the destruction that the Narcissist inflicts on us is ALWAYS done well in advance before we are aware of their real motives during the discard phase and they just embellish it a bit more by puling us into more chaos. They will keep pulling you into this crazy making for one reason – to use as more proof that you are only obsessed and crazy by turning it all around. My Narcissist kept it up for a year after I decided I was done. Begging me, pleading with me, to stay, etc., and then turning it around if it was me doing the begging and pleading and I was scorned or obsessed. Again, just a trick to make you believe in them once more – but that Narcissist is gathering proof while you are believing their sincerity and they will use it against you. Even when there is absolute proof staring them in the face they will still lie and deny! I had the clarity to establish ‘no contact’ and THEN and only then was I able to accept all of the distorted truths that I met up with a real-life monster! Don’t stay stuck to this monster because you will only remain a puppet to their disordered and abusive agenda and running in circles. No/minimal contact to live and love again. Greg