Their words are always poisonous whether they use them in a positive way or in a chaotic or negative attack.

There is NO real communication with a Narcissist. They only use their words to manipulate, divert from the truth (lie), distress people, confuse people, harm people, con people, or anything that SERVES THEM. You would be better off communicating with a brick wall because at least it will not harm you in the process. Words and actions from a Narcissist are all part of their manipulative and FAKE façade/agenda – none of which have ANY basis of reality and only meant to control people and situations to THEIR advantage.

Unfortunately, we try to communicate at the only level we know and understand – and that is with humanity, empathy, understanding, integrity, and honesty – none of which is familiar to a Narcissist.

Again, they use THEIR words to create chaos, or to make us question ourselves, explain ourselves, to blame everyone, to lie, to divert, to divide and conquer, to triangulate, to backstab someone, to manipulate, etc. I could go on and on but here is the point – WE CANNOT TRUST THEIR WORDS EVER because they are always used to create some sort of reaction that is meant to serve THEM by controlling us – their words are poisonous to ALL people and we should NEVER ingest any of them EVER!
Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

You have to actualize that EVERYTHING IS A LIE with a Narcissist. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends, hate you, my family hates you, the world hates you, you are worthless, nobody will ever love you, etc.!’ Don’t forget all the other day to day lies, the lies about the affairs, the lies about STUPID stuff, the lies about accountability, the lies about other lies, etc., etc., etc., ETC.!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

BUT you still ask yourself HOW can someone you showed so much love turn around and abuse that love. You also ask yourself WHY would a person completely con you into believing they loved you do such a horrendous thing, so they could extort your life through this fictitious love. You ask yourself how you didn’t see all of this and you question your sanity because you feel that you ALLOWED this to happen. You then start questioning the very things that this Narcissist accused you of and perhaps believing that you do have issues! You question this, that and everything! You question yourself for no viable reason other than trying to reach some sort of understanding EVEN though you now know the truth. But there is no other answer than the truth that this was abuse and this relationship wasn’t real at all and that my friend(s) is just way too difficult to accept.

You can’t get over this relationship and move yourself away from the hold this Narcissist that is OR was in your life has on your mind! So now YOU try to work it out in your own head and heart. You keep reaching back into the past searching for something/anything. Are you STILL searching for the answers to those many confusing questions? Probably a resounding YES, but there really is NOBODY there to answer those questions – BUT – there are many messages in your head, so you turn to justifying most everything to resolve what only amounts to abuse. But the reality of the situation that this IS abuse never seems to agree with your heart, emotions, and empathy to form some sort of cohesive agreement or middle ground, so you are left with a horrendous burden to shake this off! But again, all of this was based on lies that you believed and now you have to stop believing and that seems to be an insurmountable task! Well, the answer to that is clarity and time now that you are away from the Narcissist and the chaos. Like a normal relationship you have to sort out all of the emotions that formed that bond – or ‘fall out of love’ even though it was a distorted and desperate love.

You have to think back and recall just how uneasy you felt in this relationship, how YOU were continually accepting the negativity that always seemed to be present when you were together. Think about the lies, betrayal, put downs and so many other things that just weren’t normal to a loving relationship. You worked your hardest at rationalizing and justifying this LOVE and continually tried to fix this distorted relationship (love) rather than accepting the truth from your intuition shouting out at you. You STILL keep justifying that it was love and you must have overlooked something or other that could have fixed everything! WHO was making you try so hard to fix this? Who was telling you everything was wrong, and it was YOUR fault? Who never put an effort into allowing you to voice normal concerns? Who silenced you over and over again and why? The truth is that this could never have turned out any different than what it did because it was meant to be temporary because EVERYONE has an expiration date with a Narcissist! What about the new supply and how quickly this Narcissist JUMPED right into that relationship! Where is/was the love that you kept fighting for? It was NEVER there in the first place!

Then ask yourself how many times you had to reassure yourself that everything WOULD be OK if you did this, that or any number of different things! Also, the many important ‘personal’ things concerning your needs that were always dismissed to make and keep this Narcissist happy and it was NEVER enough. How many times were you so confused about crazy statements, arguments, accountability, or the many lies that you probably justified or ignored? What about affairs? Were there any or many? Did you always feel as if you had to explain yourself for most everything you did or said no matter what? Did you feel any sense of normalcy with this person after the ‘amazing love’ in the beginning? Did you feel like parts of your life had mysteriously disappeared and it isn’t the same as it used to be. You always felt so frustrated in general, confused, anxious, you felt tired or exhausted from day after day of arguments that had no basis, and just the general feeling of unhappiness. Or maybe you feel horrible about yourself or worthless. Is it a feeling like things have spun out of control in your life and you are WONDERING WHY this has happened! You haven’t done anything different than you have in the past (as it concerned your previous ‘normal’ relationships,) but YOU are always working on something or other to get this relationship right! What is the coefficient here? Where is the distress AND stress coming from? Why do you always feel so ANXIOUS and CONFUSED? If you think about this and compile a ‘distress list’ of all of the crazy making and chaos from this relationship it will be hundreds of times longer than a list that would outline the ‘good things’ that this person (the Narcissist) actually reciprocated as far as showing any REAL type of care or love – IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT THEM.

I think most of us know the root of the problem but trying to get past the emotional stronghold has been the problem and what kept us believing in the huge lie we were living. Through all of this we twisted and tweaked our thoughts so much so that we were able to justify most everything in a manner that made us change our behaviors and basic beliefs to meet the needs of this Narcissist, so we could keep believing in what we were conned into believing – this love. We believed that WE could change things to make this relationship right again – but who was telling us to change and WHY? Things DID change but ask yourself ‘WHAT CHANGED?’ The answer is that you changed and lost yourself in all of this and that is not the type of change that should ever happen in ANY relationship. We took charge of trying to make things right and make changes! We ACCEPTED the blame that was handed to us. We accepted silence to avoid arguments. We accepted lies to avoid hearing the truth. We possibly believed that more LOVE would heal! Was it love that would heal this? Just exactly what WAS this love? Was it totally one sided? Could you even ascertain what this relationship was OR were you always wondering? Did anything change like you wanted it to? YES, and again what changed was you, your self-worth, your dignity, your good life that you once knew, and your whole world changed for the worse!

So, to start, you have to conceptualize that EVERYTHING WAS A LIE. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends, hate you, my family hates you, the world hates you, etc.!’ Don’t forget all the other day to day lies, the lies about the affairs, the lies about STUPID stuff, the lies about accountability, the lies about other lies, etc. All of these messages that the Narcissist was basically downloading into your head is all part of their delusional disorder based on LIES that they used to manage you down, gain power over you, and to control you. So when you refer back to these messages they put in your head and RELATE to them to try to resolve ANY of this, you are only listening to the same delusional lies that got you into this abusive relationship that is now still convincing you that you are to blame, everything bad, and YOU have to accept responsibility here for the demise of this relationship. Those messages were designed to debilitate you and they have – so replaying any of them will still keep you in right in the abuse.

OK – now for the jibber jabber! We are social creatures that bond, live together, seek each other out AND we also follow and create a moral order of what we must do, can do and cannot do. This social order is what defines and regulates how we will interact, defining and protecting individual rights and the ‘normal’ social/moral order. Narcissists know that there is a social/moral order, but they don’t abide by any of it and instead they constantly violate it. There is no connection to it whatsoever. But to function in our world they will PRETEND to fit into it and be one of the most respected individuals out there because otherwise they would be deplored by society and nobody would play with them. So like everybody else we bought into their big lie and con job – but unfortunately we did it on a much more personal level that involved MANY distorted messages as well as the disabling lies. Narcissist do this so they can fit in otherwise they wouldn’t be able to extort life as they do. Simply put they are one humungous lie that is designed AND redesigned personally for each new victim. This facde of lies enables them to process and harvest people to get what they need. Basically the ‘façade’ or ‘mask’ theory that we always read about. THEY ARE A BIG LIE – but very believable because they sugar coat the lie with amazing charm to attract us into their world!

YOU are a good and AMAZING person and this Narcissist has tricked you in such a heinous and perverted way and it just doesn’t make sense to a person of empathy that can LOVE. You were raised with morality and standards. You KNOW how to love and trust. You DIDN’T grow up learning that these monsters are out there and basically the total opposite of what love is! You will NEVER feel good about this or reach some sort of realistic closure based on the belief system YOU GREW UP WITH, and as well you shouldn’t have too! BUT unfortunately, there are a few new words in your vocabulary that you have to know, and you will have to educate yourself about and process them into your scope of the world. Those words are Narcissist and ABUSE. You have to completely dump the messages and ALL OF THOSE LIES that this Narcissist has used to gain power over you, control you and abuse you. You have to STOP listening to those messages because they were just lies. It takes time to do this because you have spent so much time believing these lies, now you must spend some time disbelieving these lies. There is no guru out there that can offer you anything that will make this magically disappear until you completely get this, so don’t ever look for a quick fix. Educate yourself with good information, understand your enemy and what they did to you. Get healthy and then take a look inward and see what if anything made you available to a Narcissist, THEN set strong and new boundaries. Just DON’T blame yourself as if you deserved this and don’t let others blame you either! You are not worthless or unlovable – you are an amazing human being and never doubt this! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

In a nutshell they are destructive psycho bullies!

When they are standing there in front of us they look like big boys and big girls (adults) but they aren’t by any means – they are bullies that drag us back to our days at the playground and if you or I didn’t play exactly the way they wanted us to play in their “make believe world” they would throw us off of the merry-go-round so we hit the ground and scraped up our knees, elbows as well as bruise our self-esteem. I learned early on to disengage with my Narcissist or an argument could go on for days AND this Narcissist would easily resort to making fun of me or whatever it took to take me down. It is bullying and control pure and simple. Clinically we get here and engage in their fantasy world because it is like having a fairy Godmother/Godfather complete with that castle and their magic wand that gives us unbounding magical care or love (that charm and love they tricked us with)! BUT the Narcissist’s make-believe world and castle starts to crumble and topple down. We try to duck and protect ourselves to avoid the fallout, but we end up getting caught in the rubble or devalued and discarded in the process. OH – and they may even strike us with that magic wand that now becomes their weapon. There is no magic and this is NO fairytale – it is a nightmare that we must wake up from.

In all honesty a Narcissist only has the mentality of a playground bully. They will even incorporate other kids that are weaker and smaller than them with threats to join in on their imaginary games or else. There will always be someone that asserts their individuality in the playground and that Narcissist will gang up on and harm them with the help of their little gang. Be assured you will be run off of that playground just for being you and not buying into the Narcissistic bullying, dysfunction, and games. You may even get the Narcissist’s Mommy knocking at your door and really get in trouble. Again, it is like dealing with a cantankerous and spoiled 3 year-old brat that needs a long nap and time out!

Something to take with you – no matter how big a lie to KEEP you believing, or how big a fit the Narcissist throws, if you allow ANY of it you are enabling the Narcissist’s agenda to overpower and control you, and that is a huge mistake no matter what the cost to you is otherwise. It facilitates the Narcissist’s delusions, and it gives them a power rush and more CONTROL over you and they will only act out more. Thus, the Narcissist is cramming his/her delusion through insults, lies and bullying to your intelligence right in your face and down your throat. STOP or you are only enabling and spoiling that Narcissistic brat/bully and allowing the monster to grow and take over completely. Unfortunately, we all make this mistake because of the Narcissist’s GOOD (fake) qualities that preempted the appearance of this raging bully. When that mask slips we can no longer doubt what is staring us down and we have to get completely away from them at all costs. Our emotions will always tug at our heart because of that initial charm – but we must now allow the real truth to move us away from this critter. No/minimal contact to get to that healthy place!

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns reality in a very normal manner, BUT the Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through manipulation and deception to make you BELIEVE they are like you in every way when they are the direct opposite and purely toxic and SOON to be destructive to YOUR life and well-being!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

These are very cunning creatures and it is virtually impossible for a ‘normal’ person to wrap their head around this because Narcissists can and do act as if they are perfectly normal, and SANE – they can also be high functioning individuals, but they lack the internal mechanisms to support ANY healthy interactions with other people! Then the question arises as to how they keep up the many charades with different people as well as how they are able to lie so easily, hurt people, and not have any remorse?

So how do they do this? They compartmentalize situations, people, and events completely and keep them separate. Narcissist are very private about their world because it is filled with so many secrets and lies AND they basically live double lives and even triple/quadruple lives or as many as they can maintain! ALL of these different lives they maintain consist of secrets and lies AND information that is potentially negative and destructive to the Narcissist’s lifestyle so if the truth is revealed and the Narcissist is exposed then the ‘gig’ is up so a few extra lies on top of all of the other lies is just commonplace in the Narcissist’s world!

If their twisted lifestyle or the secrets/lies are revealed either accidentally or purposefully it will cause great chaos or perceived harm to the Narcissist and those (their supply) around them essentially destroying their world. The Narcissist doesn’t care about what YOU or I feel, they care about what they NEED to survive and hiding the truth of who and what they really are. SO, they are aware of just what they need to do to keep that façade going in each and every situation. Narcissists will use drama, rage, threats, fear, and deflection tactics by ALWAYS blaming everyone else for their deceptive behavior as well as creating great confusion with stories that just don’t make sense – it is all ‘smoke and mirrors!’ You will completely ‘get this’ one day as I unfortunately did, and it is a horrendous revelation when the truth is right there in front of you!

Narcissists have a lot of internal shame driving them because of their inability to live outside of their out of control fantasy world – they just can’t face their reality. AGAIN – they are like magicians that create their false magic with smoke and mirrors, but the magic the Narcissist uses are their words and lies so quickly and effectively in an effort to confound or confuse our ability to see or hear the very lies that are right in front of us. They are not fully functioning human beings that completely lack empathy and do not know love, but they need us to satisfy their needs like we need air to breath. This is why they con the world into believing they are WHAT THEY AREN’T!

Furthermore, Narcissists will keep many, many secrets from EVERYONE close to them and spin such intricate webs of lies that are tailor made for each person in their life AND that is why you feel so special and like YOU are the ONLY one – again they compartmentalize everything. They will play one side against the other by triangulating to divide and conquer keeping the truth separate by keeping people and relationships separate. It is purely a diversion tactic that they create between people. Narcissists will also ALWAYS play the victim card as if they were the one that was taken advantage of without knowledge and fell into whatever the situation and couldn’t help what they did because they are the honorable one that took the fall for someone else – ALWAYS lies and blame OR transference! They are also very adept at spinning lies around a little bit of truth especially as it concerns PAST relationships, or their many PRESENT lies and betrayal. My Narcissist had to work overtime to cover up the disastrous turmoil that this Narcissist caused to an ex-spouse and family.

OK so the nitty gritty to help you understand how a human being can be like this! Narcissists don’t live in the real world OR a real world. They live in their own world made up of fantasy, lies, delusions, deceit, and perversion. They have their own reality that everyone that has any part of their life must accept or they will be deemed crazy, punished, and even destroyed. They live in a world where they make up all the rules and then break all the rules. In this world everyone must think just like them or better yet approve everything that the Narcissist does without question or prejudice. If you are a part of their life you can never reflect anything that would reveal their true Identity or ask for accountability.

All of the Narcissist’s sins and indiscretions must be forgiven and accepted but YOU must be perfect and basically their servant and caretaker. Acceptance and adoration must be given to the Narcissist CONSTANTLY, but absolutely none is given to you in return. In their world ABUSE is how they show love and you must accept the abuse because that is all you are worthy of. You must support their deluded actions without blinking an eye, but if you breathe wrong you will be severely punished.

Living in their world will always involve gas-lighting, betrayal, pathological lying, isolation, triangulation, and extreme manipulation so they can keep their false identity in place. You constantly have to tip toe around the Narcissist’s fragile ego to keep them happy so that their true identity and nature doesn’t rear its ugly face, and THIS becomes your new normal. Living in their world is like walking through a field of land mines or hidden bombs and you never know when they will explode but when they do the Narcissist is always there detonating them! This is no life that any person deserves or should even want to be a part of – but it takes time to ‘get it’ because of the superficial love and charm that conned you into this desperate love.

It is in reality a distorted land of make believe and everything is fine as far as the Narcissist is concerned because it totally serves them. BUT it is a land of horrible secrets and painful lies for the victim. THE ONLY truth is a relative truth based on what YOU may believe the relationship really is and that shrewd Narcissist will reinforce those beliefs and keep you connected to their abusive world so YOU will give them supply because that is why they are there and expended ANY energy whatsoever. YOUR relationship IS ONLY held together through fear, guilt and obligation – that and being a source of supply to this Narcissist until they find a replacement.

The Narcissist sabotages everything and everyone because NOBODY can be better or do better than the NARCISSIT! It is a place where your dreams will die quickly, and your self-esteem and self-worth die along with them. It is a place where love does not exist at all! Suddenly after so much time together with this Narcissist your world is no longer the one you believed in. You question everyday reality, but most of all you question yourself. You wonder how you could have been so naive, foolish, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing, etc., etc. You were betrayed and duped in a hideous fashion by the great manipulator! It was just your turn to replace old supply and shore up the Narcissists lies. You essentially became their safe haven after their last target/victim and just new supply. It is unfathomable in our world to understand how ANY person could be this way, but they are personality disordered and not fully functioning human beings.

YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns reality in a very normal manner! BUT the Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through deception to make you BELIEVE they are like you in every way when they are the direct opposite and purely toxic and basically dead inside. With all of their overt manipulation they make you believe they are so full of charm and love AND there is no reason NOT to reciprocate back with your love, devotion and TRUST. You see no other reason than to believe him/her because if the Narcissist acts like you (the NORMAL person), reciprocates by saying that he/she likes or loves you, then there is no reason not to believe him/her because in your or my past, people who acted in this manner and spoke these exact same words could be trusted. You only believed there was congruency or reality in the initial connection and you did what other normal people did and went with it because the Narcissist LIED so well and hid their secret perverted world from you! But not now because time has changed so many things.

Suddenly you learn that someone (the Narcissist) you trusted implicitly, be it a spouse, lover, family member, close friend, etc., has been putting you down, backstabbing you, lying, manipulating others against you, betraying you, and yet STILL maintaining a FALSE stance of intimacy, friendship or LOVE with you. It is just impossible to understand because it is a horrendous betrayal, so your world becomes so unclear and now you have such conflict and animosity about this. Unfortunately, you are stuck between these two worlds – one where you believed in their love and one where you see truth that it was a distorted love meant to harm you! There are so many areas of your life that are impacted by the abuse that are so far reaching that it has even reached your deepest level or core beliefs and literally changes your identity! It is just never one area that is affected by this abuse, it is our emotional, spiritual mental and even your physical world that is seemingly altered forever! Each area requires its own recovery process and the reason why recovering takes time.

Life circumstances will naturally draw you back into the trauma. Something will trigger a horrendous memory and we relive those moments where we were horribly betrayed and taunted by this Narcissistic terrorist who conned us into believing they loved us to extort our life through their cruel and distorted love. There will be innocuous triggers all around us that reignite the trauma from the abuse and we will either run from these situations or put up huge walls to avoid personal contact to avoid being hurt again! It may affect your future relationships and you only question what YOU did wrong and reinforce what the Narcissist told you and that you are damaged and will always be alone. It is a fear of the hold they still have on us AND our future because of the heinous psychological terrorism/rape they inflicted on our minds. They are like a ghost that constantly haunts us and reminds us that evil exists out there and almost destroyed us.

You will more than likely hear that this Narcissist is with someone new and right back to their old tricks and getting away with their abusive crimes again. You may also hear that the Narcissist is succeeding somehow and even believe that this Narcissist is doing so much better than you! No this is the travesty of this abuse and how it has stolen your good belief system and replaced it with the darkness of a Narcissist. This is not reality it is the abuse foreshadowing your attempts to think normally and break free. Years of being managed down and abuse has made you vulnerable to everything that is only life and not meant to harm you. Narcissists are completely empty and cannot feel happiness, love, success, care, or anything that we can so please understand that everything to them is temporary until they find something else to replace it with – their world is completely external.

Recovery requires a complete indulgence and openness to look inward. It is a process that requires education, introspection, spirituality, voicing your fears, connecting with other targets/survivors, and a therapist if possible. You MUST totally acknowledge the truth about this person you loved and that is that they are an abuser, psychological terrorist, and psychological rapist. The process begins when you say no to the negative messages left behind and open your ears and eyes to a new life that seeks out true goodness because it is still there where it always was. Finally, you must put the Narcissist away forever because there is absolutely nothing that you need to connect with as far as it concerns them. That means any unreal memories or any other thought about them! You may want to see them fail with their next victim, BUT they will move onto another victim and then another and you can’t be bothered trying to find closure in this manner. The wounds will turn into scars and you will come out of this with new boundaries, a new voice and your old belief system back in place but so much stronger. DON’T allow them to have a hold on your complete future! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

This wasn’t a conventional relationship by any means NOR should it ever be related as if it were one! It was a highly disconnected and disordered person that disguised themselves as a NORMAL and loving person with empathy that purposely broke into our world to pillage or take what they could. Along with that, they destroyed and corrupted so much of it (and us) in the process TO GET WHAT THEY WANTED, and then discarded us to move onto the next scam leaving us to pick up the pieces they shattered to bits without a care. This was psychological and emotional abuse and they are dangerous to all people!

We only tried to do what people of empathy do and that is bend a little or a lot to make it right again – remember our experience was different and the total opposite of Narcissist’s REAL agenda, but we had no clue. So YES, we bent so much that we almost snapped. But we didn’t do this purposely, we were conditioned little by little and managed down to bend more and more until we got to that breaking point. But where was that rule book, supportive person, or Narcissist cop that should have been patrolling and arresting all of these Narcissists. Just some dry humor but the truth is that nobody really knew that this person was very damaged and meant to harm or destroy us. Yes, friends were there for brief comments, but they didn’t know the actual danger that we were in because in reality we didn’t know this either at the time. Abusers wear many masks that hide their true nature and defective parts because they must wear them in order to hide their destructive agenda – and they wear them well!

Some simple but real truth. If someone mentioned being brain-washed, etc., I would have reacted to them in the same manner that people reacted to me when I explain the reality as it concerns a target/victim. AGAIN, most have NOT had any real experience with a Narcissist or that we were basically brain-washed and slowly managed down into our beliefs about the person we THOUGHT we cared for or loved. As I have said many times this is akin to being a prisoner of war. This was serious psychological abuse from a predator and nobody could have foreseen the entirety of this. We didn’t for sure, or we would have run as fast as we could. Hindsight is always 20/20 and it has taken me a good bit of time to actualize all of this to completely see what this person is and does to abuse people for supply. Go to your Narcissist’s NEW SUPPLY and tell them what you know, and they will more than likely believe you are scorned, obsessed or all of the above – BUT THEY WILL NOT BELIEVE YOU. They don’t get it yet either and of course that poor Narcissist has warned them about how crazy we are. Everybody will experience the reality of this abuse if they are in any sort of relationship with a Narcissist! YOU CAN COUNT ON THIS no matter how normal or pretty the future looks for the Narcissist and the NEW love of their life, they will ABUSE and destroy every relationship. Hopefully you will be recovered by the time you see them become the latest target/victim of this Narcissist!

We are very inquisitive creatures and we know that none of what happened to us can be ALL our fault! We weren’t problematic in our other relationships, or mentally ill, insane AND everything else we were led to believe – SO WHAT IS UP? That is what gets us out there searching on the internet, or seeking support through other survivors or the behavioral sciences, etc. But once we start traveling through all of the questions and confusion we find some answers and usually when we hear the real stories of survivors or other victims. We start to see the similarities and find the validation we deserve that THIS had nothing to do with us personally and everything to do with situational abuse. We MUST actualize the truth and totally discard these creatures. No/minimal contact will literally save your life!
Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

Every single word or action is designed to serve a purpose or a need!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

Lies and distortions of the truth are the ‘NORM’ for the Narcissist and the basis of their whole facade. So what are they in reality – whatever they want or need to be – but the façade is to cover up a very insecure and empty person that will not deal with the reality of their disordered life – not even the destruction they have caused to the people that have loved them. We are the objects they use to achieve their appearance and supply all of their needs. Nothing can penetrate their façade because their life is ONE HUGE DENIAL of the truth. They are not fully functioning humans and they need us to function and walk through life because their life is chapter after chapter of broken relationships and people that they have used and abused! This is the “Hallmark” of the Narcissist – the people they have left behind that the Narcissist blames shames and even hates. One day you wake up and the Narcissist has moved on and is now your enemy, smearing your good name to hide the truth that they were caught “red handed” in lies, betrayal, manipulation and extortion. You are one of the casualties of their abuse and there were many before you. They put families, friends, loved ones and even their own biological children right in the path of their destruction WITHOUT A CARE – because it has served them at the time.

Their personal interactions WILL give you the impression that they put themselves out for you or to help you and they will treat you like a Princess/Prince. They will take you out and buy you gifts, complimenting you, creating gestures to show they care or have thought about what you would like, treating you as a valued friend/lover, spending lots of time with you etc. They make you feel special and at this point you are special to them, not for who you are because they do not see you as an individual but instead as an object and extension of themselves. Just like buying a beautiful sports car that they drive around to boost their OWN self-worth or ego. As simple as that sounds that is as far as it goes!!!

Every action is to serve a purpose or fulfill a personal need! This is part of the ‘love bombing’ or ‘charm’ trap and with the Narcissist all of these gestures are usually undertaken on a very shallow level. In other words, these things are done for THEIR benefit to extract supply from you by creating the “image” of the day or even the hour or minute or whatever is needed to serve them and their agenda. If you are emotionally invested it is unlikely that you are going to notice until it’s too late – they are not always this nice, nor does it last very long, and this is where the danger lies and what makes them abusive to people!

Narcissists do not offer these gestures selflessly – there is a ‘rhyme to their reason.’ They also behave this way to feel good about themselves which is accomplished by your reactions of how you feel about them. It is like we are a mirror and they project whatever they can onto us to see that amazing reflection of themselves that they conjured because that is what they want – adulation and admiration. The positive feelings they extract from you are to confirm that they are important or special – what they are extracting is the supply to coincide with the false image they have created. There is no “real” self, it is just a new façade that they create over and over again with each and every source. Whatever the Narcissist wants to be, he/she WILL BE so that they get what they want – be it adulation or objectifying you to extort something! Unfortunately, the Narcissist doesn’t have the reality “reserves” to pull off this fake façade indefinitely because they lack all empathy, so it is hard work for them to play with us in their pretend world for a long period of time because all of it is FAKE. They also get bored easily and to support their HUGE and empty void they continually jump to their out-of-control lifestyle to secure more and newer supply ALWAYS. They just can’t keep the game up for long because the LIES catch up with them as well as their raging anger for their accountability when we catch them red-handed.

The Narcissists charming behavior lasts as long as they get what they want from you by providing the supply that confirms their view of themselves as special – both mental and physical. In any relationship where people spend a lot of time together it is normal for both people involved to have some sense of accountability as far as it concerns bad habits and behaviors. To some degree it is just normal behavior for people to work on these bad habits and behaviors in order to try to improve the relationship. Narcissists do not react kindly to this AT ALL and they see it as an attack on their perfection. As a result of this their behavior starts to change. The lovely and awesome person you know will start to disappear as the damaged part of them emerges, the things they do to impress you will become fewer and farther in between, you will start to feel less and less special to them as they start to treat you badly and show their frustrations (overtly or covertly) at your inability to meet their needs more frequently. This is clinically called ‘devaluation’ and it is in direct response to seeing the reality of their personality disorder as well as questioning it.

During the Narcissist’s periods of frustration which are a direct result of their needs NOT BEING MET BY US they will make you aware of your inadequacies or inability to meet their needs. They will either do so overtly with raging, abandoning, publicly humiliating you, belittling/making fun of you and your abilities and possibly being abusive. Or they will do it covertly by giving you the silent treatment, sulking, discussing things that they know will upset you or behaving in ways they know you find hurtful regardless if they are related to the incident that caused THEIR frustration that YOU have caused or not but you are blamed for it. In other words, THEY ARE NEVER WRONG so don’t you dare attempt to make them feel that way. Along the same lines if their frustration stems from their own inabilities to meet their wants and needs such as not getting a promotion at a job, receiving criticism, etc. the frustration is usually transferred onto the people they interact with (often their nearest and dearest) or channeled/projected onto us. This is clinically called “transference” and what the Narcissist is in effect doing is taking their feelings of “I’m bad/inadequate/guilty” and passing them on to you or whoever is/was closely associated with the frustration because they don’t want to cope with anything that shatters their perfect image. They are always in a battle and blaming the world for their inadequacies!

In response to all of this you will only try to work harder to make them happier even though you may not have even been part of the situation that wounded their ego. You will start to question the things YOU can do to make amends for what they are feeling that bothers them – which is EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD. This is exactly what they want OR the ability for you to shore up their perfect self-reflection by extracting whatever supply they need at any given moment to do so and dump their feelings of inadequacy by shifting the blame elsewhere!

They will continue to manipulate your emotions to extract more Narcissistic supply from you in many ways and it will drain you completely over time. They may even resort to intimidation and fear. They may even tell you the truth and they are no good for you and how badly they behave to gain MORE sympathy and supply (my Narcissist was great at this along with the alligator tears). Maybe you’ll jump to their defense telling them they are valuable with the renewed hope that there is something good inside of them. They are remarkable at getting the most supply out of any situation using multiple levels of manipulation. BUT IN ACTUALITY YOU ARE AIDING THEM IN EXCTRACTING THE SUPPLY THEY NEED WHEN YOU RESPOND IN THIS MANNER. Before long you won’t know what’s real or the truth from the lies and manipulation they administer to get their supply. So much time passes tending to THEIR needs because you are trying to save a relationship that you cherish or even love, and you will wonder when the person you first met is going to come back. This is our empathy and unconditional love kicking in and trying to fix the relationship in a normal manner but there is nothing normal there to fix so you end up perpetually spinning your wheels and this becomes the normal in this relationship! By the time you’ve decided you’ve had enough or you’ve been dumped by the Narcissist you will already have lost sight of yourself as well as dumping so much of your own self-esteem from their manipulation.

Simply put it was all a huge con job and they needed something from you that is as important as the air they breathe – and that is your good life and your spirit to wear as their own. They went through great pains by playing love, throwing out compliments, buying you gifts, sharing what seemed to be important concepts of a wonderful relationship – BUT it was just mirroring us to achieve their own personal agenda. We make it so complex because it seemed complex and it seemed like it was real, BUT it also seemed very unreal for the major portion of the time we spent with them. We have to accept the reality that NONE OF IT WAS REAL AT ALL. They were/are predators securing prey as well as extortionists that stole our very life from underneath us in a very stealth manner.

They will jump from one relationship to the next and so on and so forth replaying the same game for their whole life. They will keep running without a care of the destruction they leave behind – it is always OUR FAULT. We are all objects they use to create their false ego/image. NO CONTACT – throw them to the side of the road and drive as fast and far away from them as you can and never look back because they will gladly pull you back to abuse you again and take whatever else you have! Minimal contact when you HAVE to stay connected with them as in joint custody and ONLY business at hand. Greg


Narcissists do not move on without attacking your integrity to create a ‘safe escape route’ for themselves so that THEY do not appear to be the abuser that they are! As a matter of fact, they will do whatever they can to continue with their chaos to attack YOUR integrity BEHIND your back as well as wound you by rubbing your face in their NEW amazing lifestyle. More chaos, more lies, more manipulation, and more of what they have always done – but now it is so obvious and apparent because they have removed their mask and now you see what is really behind it.

Abusers will leave us in the most emotionally crushing way they can because this is what they do – BUT knowledge is power in moving forward! A Narcissist is not going to make the end of their abuse or the relationship easy. In all probability they will enjoy watching you squirm as long as they can because basically their whole relationship with us was about finding everything and anything to diminish our total being. They will flaunt their new ‘soul mate’ under your nose. The Narcissist will have their NEW target, family, friends, co-workers, or anybody that listens to them convinced that YOU have mental health issues, scorned, or any number of other problems, or you are a demon who has gone over the edge — but you know the REAL truth and that is all that needs to matter to you.

They abuse through their trickery and manipulation and that is what you are seeing AGAIN right under your nose. All you have to do is look back and be reminded of the exact behavior and deception you personally experienced to define that THEY are totally dysfunctional, personality disordered, abusive, and NOTHING will change with them. The Narcissist will say nasty things about you to anyone they can to destroy your integrity and to avoid exposure of the real truth about their abusive/dysfunctional ways. If there are legal ramifications with a divorce, they will fight you tooth and nail over everything. The Narcissist will even try to turn your kids and everybody else against you. They will stalk and harass you and gather any and all information to use against you to cover their tracks of abuse and they will use threats to instill fear in you. They may even throw some love bombs to manipulate you once again into believing in them. In reality, they are ‘biding for more time’ to squirm away unscathed and to keep you confused and controlled through their MANY actions until they get away with all of the blame shifting they have been throwing onto YOU and behind your back. You’ll be having a hard time just coping with the losses of the relationship, let alone the other bombs the Narcissist is dropping on you and your life.

You must direct ALL of your thoughts away from them completely and back into yourself to become healthy again. You must also try as hard as you can to ignore the smears and the naysayers because down the road you will realize that anybody that doesn’t offer you support for something as serious as abuse or has judged you through the lies of your abuser was/is not worth any of your time or consideration. This is about you now and one direction – and that is healing! Believe in the truth that YOU deserve so much better and YOU are an amazing person that WILL move forward! No-contact or minimal-contact if you must have contact because of legal or business issues.
Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else Between with a Narcissist.

Narcissists have an amazing level of rationalization – but with a Narcissist it is always delusional and self-serving rationalizations to avoid having to deal with their REAL damaged self.

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

Narcissists are TOTALLY self-absorbed and pathologically selfish creatures, but they offset their true nature by being highly charming and welcoming – or better yet very seductive because they know how to pour on that charm to GET what they WANT and NEED. This charm is a highly deceptive weapon that they use on everyone to hide the disordered and abusive person that lives beneath this thin veneer of fake charm and goodness. Narcissists have a constant need for admiration to shore up the vast dark void that is their disconnected world. They view every single thing in terms of how it impacts them and them alone or what they can GET from it – everything is an object for them to use – especially people.

They are the ‘SUPREME’ master manipulator and feel an “emotional high” with each new conquest – and that is all it amounts to a conquest so that they can feel the relevance they crave, or better yet addicted to ‘it’ like a drug addict is to their drug of choice. Unfortunately, it is never enough and the high is always short lived just like that drug addict that keeps returning to more and more of that drug of choice. This is a difficult concept to put into words because it isn’t merely a conquest, it is their way of life and how they discard individualism in any person and objectify them to only satisfy their needs. When those needs aren’t met you are swiftly punished, admonished or abused! Whether you are their spouse, 24/7 source of supply, extra supply, or “other’ relationship they have on the side – nobody has any more relevance than the other or significant hierarchy in the Narcissist’s world – we are all just objects or toys for them to use for however long we satisfy them – we ALL have an expiration date!

Their behavior is very charming which can appear very attractive to a person that just meets them or is getting to know them. Unfortunately, this is just their seductive draw (and a trap) that they have perfected to pull you into their needy world as their need object to serve them. Narcissists lack ANY and ALL empathy and compassion OR a real personality, it is all a con job to help them achieve their goals. They are unwilling to see or consider ANYTHING from another person’s perspective or viewpoint because there is no such thing as individuality in their world – it is all about their needs. They will act on ALL of their impulses and still continue with the emotional control over a spouse or significant other and abusing any person that threatens their way of life. If and WHEN a relationship becomes too burdensome and accountability comes into play you are demeaned, dehumanized and discarded and they are off to one of their supplies on the side.

To put this in more realistic terms think of the targets/victims as far as it concerns being a spouse of many years that they have had biological children with. Think about that very spouse that has been a committed and loving partner that has only perceived the commitment with a Narcissist as real and loving and built SOLEY upon this concept. Think of the many years that this spouse has given to being a real, loving and committed partner in this relationship and now imagine that NONE of it was real to the Narcissist and all the lies, manipulation, and betrayal that was only an agenda for that Narcissist to appear to be a faithful and loving husband/wife for the sake of the Narcissist’s image as well as securing all of their needs. It is a huge betrayal for the person that was pulled into this scam and not something that they can just shake off.

They utilize no moral boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity through their acts of sex with extra supply on the side. Whatever the ‘extra supply’ needs to hear in order to close the deal, the Narcissist will deliver to get their supply and that high. The Narcissist will say and do anything it takes to have this extra supply in the wings, EVEN starting a relationship on the side with ‘other’ supply. Narcissists frequently have several affairs going on at once with no regard for the damage caused by their reckless pursuit of their self-gratification. BUT if their activity comes into question by their REAL spouse/partner Narcissists will utilize their specialized talents such as crying and begging for forgiveness, elegantly and seamlessly deceiving without stumbling, saying just the right things at just the right time, and it is all designed to aid in attaining their goal of hiding the darkness of their perverted lifestyle. That committed spouse is only camouflage for the Narcissist to hide their real identity of the emotional abuser they are. BUT remember that a Narcissist can and will rage if they are made accountable, so they will easily attack anyone that questions them to avoid accountability and exposure!

Narcissists have an amazing level of rationalization. Rationalization means mentally taking something you know is wrong or off base, and re-characterizing it in a way that makes it seem much more acceptable, or even virtuous. Unfortunately, with a Narcissist it is always delusional and self-serving rationalizations to avoid having to deal with their REAL damaged self.

To a Narcissist, betraying a person or cheating is like a game (just like their whole façade) where he/she manipulates or maneuvers people into giving the Narcissist what he/she wants. Unfortunately, it has no special meaning to the Narcissist, although he/she will do everything to make that person they are seducing think otherwise because they are consummate con artists. With the Narcissist everything is a mirror to see his/her reflection to get that admiration/adulation as well as to get something they may want. But, to get what they want, they will focus on YOU, feeding you what they know you want to hear making you believe you are special, but in fact, you are just one of MANY objects to be used.

So just how do they rationalize that they are just that special? They aren’t even remotely special because they are actually co-dependent on the very things that make them feel superior – us. That façade serves many purposes and they only lie to themselves (as equally as they do to us and probably even more so) when they believe they are just that AMAZING and that we all flock to them to be a part of their world. No dear Narcissist, you manipulate, deceive, and lie to make YOURSELF believe that you are amazing, and you hurt/destroy good and loving people. We figure it out eventually that your world is flimsy and full of deceit and darkness AND that you harm and even destroy people when you don’t get your way and that is why you run away. It is us you are running from or is it the truth about yourself that you are running from? So, you see in the end we rationalize with the real truth of who and what they are – but it was the seduction and horrible manipulation that kept us caught up in their game for far too long and that has caused us great damage. Our truth and reality will come back to us because it was and is what is ‘real’ because we were always ‘real’ throughout this horrendous relationship. They may have caused harm and damage, but they haven’t really taken our truth, spirit, or love – they disabled it. That truth is the start of our road to recovery and freedom – once we actualize this truth and couple it with the fact that they are personality disordered we then acquire that ‘ah ha’ moment and that is when we HAVE to make the decision to move forward or stay in this abusive situation until there is nothing left of us. You are amazing and can and will move forward – tell yourself this truth everyday as well as the fact that you deserve so much more than this and you NEVER deserved to be abused! No/minimal contact to start on your journey! Greg

There is NO SUCH THING as a healthy interaction with a Narcissist!

In any type of relationship where communication and thoughts are not nurtured in a process to validate another person, all areas of the relationship are affected. Communication is the open door that allows two people to exchange cognitive (worldly thoughts) and personal thoughts to enable growth and bonding. We are independent beings that have purpose and we exchange our thoughts openly and normally by accepting our relative differences – that is just a basic ‘life right,’ but NEVER with a Narcissist because this is NOT about any rights we have. The Narcissist manipulates in such a way to cause false interpretations of all our cognitive processes to intentionally distort and invalidate reality and make them fail, OR basically invalidating and disabling our independence or individuality and deeming us worthless in the process. Simply put this is a highly manipulative effort/agenda to overtake and control us. I call it ‘erasing our personality’ or part of the process the Narcissist uses to corrupt our healthy normal, utilizing this coercive emotional and psychological terrorism or abuse to get at want they want. With all of those words I just used to describe this – please just understand (and take this with you) that this has absolutely nothing to do with YOU personally and everything about this destructive personality disordered Narcissist and their agenda. Use this truth as your strength to disengage and throw that BLAME and garbage right back where it belongs – ON THEM!

When we are manipulated in this manner it affects those important skills that we use on a daily basis. It is like we lose our motivation to be effective with simple matters in our personal life or even block our ability to concentrate and learn because we were manipulated in a manner to constantly question ourselves and feel the need to constantly explain ourselves to someone we BELIEVED we could trust and more than likely someone we cared for or loved. This is betrayal in the most extreme manner and describes just how sick a Narcissist is to use our love or whatever connection we have with them to create and administer their manipulation, hate, and destruction – AND WHY? Our mind is linked to so many internal processes, and when it is emotionally and psychologically wounded, other areas will also be affected just like a disease that will spread unless treated – even causing physical damage. It can take its toll and cause long term problems linked to trauma. REMEMBER this is NOT a sign that we are weak – it is our trust that all human beings have that the Narcissist has taken advantage of to enter our hearts and minds to corrupt and distort our normal thoughts. Normal people that live in the real world do not manipulate other people in this manner to overtake them with an agenda – abnormal, disordered, and dysfunctional people do.

This is why it is so important that we are educated concerning this abuse so we can desensitize the damage that occurs from this constant barrage of attacks on our faculties that basically disables us and damages us over time. The mix of this desperate and false love, lies, betrayal, manipulation, and fake emotions from a Narcissist is a poisonous mix that is silent but deadly when administered – and that is exactly what it is to us – a poison that destroys every level of our well-being and safety. We CAN fix this together with the knowledge we all have – together we heal.
Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

THIS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! Repeat this as many times as you can – the first steps to recovery – knowledge and a strong education so that you know and accept that this was situational and abuse!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

SAY NEVER! We never, never, never deserved this and most assuredly NEVER, EVER asked for this abuse because of WHO we are. We wonder where our prince/princess charming has gone and WHAT HAS HAPPENED that made this go so wrong because now they are more like Dr. Jekyll and Mr./Ms. Hyde. Well the time has come that we HAVE to move forward and learn about these predators. We have ONE DIRECTION and that is forward and now it is time for some education about this abuse and THAT is where you must go. We could only have wished we had known that this was abuse prior to this deceptive and destructive experience – but how could we have known that this really existed and that there are predators out there like a psychologically abusive Narcissist. Now, after the fact the situation I all too real and it has basically traumatized you, your belief system, your worth, your entire life.

Time to educate, liberate, and free yourself! Your knowledge will be your success in recovering. It will break the chain of this abuse OR thinking we can help them, cure them, use our ‘love’ to fix them and reverse this, change them, OR plead, bargain or negotiate with this abuser. You WILL quickly realize it is impossible and how the abuser REALLY wants us to react to keep us chained up in the chaos of this abuse and under their control. We will finally comprehend they have a problem we can’t possibly fix. We also understand that we are not the one with the problem, worthless, crazy or anything that this Narcissist manipulated us into believing. Malignant Narcissists are masters at their game AND targeting our empathy, caring, and nurturing instincts as well as capturing us through their fake charm and ‘love.’ If you’ve been attempting to fix this over and over again, STOP and accept the inevitable failure of these attempts and accept the reality, they are what they are (abusive) and there is only one direction and that is OUT of their disordered world and free from them. We have to fix ourselves and right all the wrongs and return back to a real life and the living again.

Now it is time that we have to ‘be real’ about all of this and do damage control to save ourselves, and our families from this attack on our lives AND MOVE FORWARD. Just like being in war we must create and build a concrete bunker from this point on to protect ourselves from the enemy. We cannot hide in this bunker forever, but we can stay there until we understand what we need to understand to see that this battle was situational, and we have won with no/minimal contact because we took our power back from this Narcissist and now clarity and truth will light the remainder of our way to recovery.

Their pathology and personality traits are so deeply ingrained into the cycles of this abuse that they are totally out of control and beyond ANY HELP WE COULD OFFER. They live a dangerous and perverse lifestyle and have ridiculously bad judgment as it concerns any other human beings – they just don’t care what they do and hurting others is simply part of the process of getting everything they want. AGAIN – they simply don’t care who they hurt, be it their spouse, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, biological children, friend, co-worker and even their pets. They DO NOT possess the mechanics of empathy, emotions, bonding or love. Their world is satisfied ONLY through EXTERNALIZED stimulation or objectification of people – simply put they extort everything they need from people and life.

They are not able to be in a close relationship or any relationship for that matter because there is no constraint in their life as it concerns their delusional and destructive actions (pathology) toward other people. THEY JUST DON’T CARE (there I said it again) and this IS the real and ONLY truth we must accept to move on and away from them. They lie and betray to manipulate us into believing that they care so they can use AND abuse every aspect of our lives. It is not just deception as it concerns relationships – they deceive the whole world by faking credentials, re-writing history, creating a new façade for every person they meet so they can take what they want with a disguise that can fool anybody and everybody.

We mourn the loss of reality in our life, along with dreams, memories, time together, small laughs and shared experiences. We mourn the loss of our complete life as if a part of us was erased or died from this hideous abuse. Our emotional scars cause us to doubt and question the real truth of this ugly reality. We are merely disposable objects to them, and that is incomprehensible to us. The abuse destroys our core beliefs about ourselves and life in general because this abuse is a traumatizing disaster that imprints itself on our hearts and minds and we struggle through this to fix all of that damage – but it is a MUST so we do not stay locked up in this abuse forever.

The Narcissist will most certainly react to the use of personal boundaries (or our resistance to their control) but if we are to succeed and break the cycle of this abuse we have to build an impenetrable fortress to keep them out of our lives and heads forever. Violence is always a possibility with a Narcissist so keep this first and foremost in your mind ALWAYS. Be unyielding in protecting yourself with your personal AND physical boundaries as well as with your decisions and expectations from this person. This will go a long way in lifting yourself out from this thick fog of confusion and boosting your self-esteem and ending the abuse because you are taking the control away from the Narcissist and back where it belongs with yourself. Refuse to be a target/victim and don’t be a willing participant in your own abuse by ever conceding to this Narcissist ever again.

The process of ‘leaving and grieving’ is emotionally devastating and lengthy. Remember that there are options out there like professional therapy or joining a support group to reinforce the fact that you are not alone in this. You are not JUST a victim in this abusive situation, you were targeted. In other criminal offenses the word premeditated is a word often used to describe an action that was thought out beforehand! Don’t expect other people (no matter how close they are to you) to understand what you have been coping with. Without having their own experiences with disordered partners or Narcissists, they cannot fully understand and they won’t be able to offer the real emotional support you need and it is very disappointing to feel so alone without someone to understand and support you now. Don’t take it personally because you have enough on your plate already and you don’t need to feel abandoned and invalidated any more than what you already are. Remember it is hard enough for YOU to understand this yet alone someone else so your stories will sound incredulous. The important point here is to NOT isolate yourself but instead seek out the support of other victims and survivors. This is our plight to fix those diseased parts from this abuse just as if it were a physical emergency that required medical attention and time to recuperate and heal.

Let’s think and talk about your emotions at this point. So, I will say what most every other writer says – YOUR EMOTIONS will be on a rollercoaster ride with so many highs and lows. There will be many times when you doubt yourself and question the reality of this all and WHY you. You can expect good and bad days, obsessive thinking, and thoughts of revenge, anger and serving justice. This is all part of the process. Just thinking about what happened is going to stir up all the negativity but essentially is a part of recovery so you can externalize or get rid of it from your mind and get to a healthy life again. We are inquisitive creatures and we NEED to understand so we can make real decisions, form thoughts accordingly, and then grow with this knowledge. Keep a journal it is an amazing tool because it requires a commitment on your part to keep active and stay strong and on track to recover – it is also wonderful therapy. I did it and it helped me out tremendously because I could read my thoughts on paper and it was like looking from the outside in and gave me a truer perspective when I came back to those thoughts. Surround yourself with good and normal people that can make you smile and even laugh and reach out to them even when you don’t feel like being around people.

Let’s talk about the relationship with ourselves because we need to be firm with ourselves too. We need to live in the reality of the situation to heal and move forward or stay in this fog forever. We have to ditch that ‘if only’ or need for closure WITH the Narcissist involved, or that obsessive thinking that keeps us hooked and wanting to see what’s happening in their lives. We need to accept the truth that we MUST detach and be strong and resist the urge to reconnect with them. Time is our best friend. If we do have to reconnect with this abuser because of obligations – BUSINESS ONLY!

OK, so this is the start of your journey or the first few steps to start out on that road to recovery and that involves fully understanding that you were a victim of this abuse and the person you loved or cared for was personality disordered. It was pathological in such an extreme manner that it is just impossible to understand how another human being could be so cruel and abhorrent to lead a basically good, caring, and loving person down a road of psychological abuse that essentially could destroy or damage them for life. This is a feeling that nobody could ever understand – there are NO ADEQUATE words to describe the feeling of what this abuse does to a sane, loving and empathic person. To understand the time that is lost, the EXTREME betrayal, and the experience of feeling worthless AND punished for no other reason than the fact that you were at the wrong place at the WRONG time and chosen by a predator to be their next victim of abuse. It is incomprehensible and takes so much self-reflection, strength, courage, love, self-compassion, validation, and a new journey that we must embark upon to fix ourselves now. Sometimes it doesn’t happen because many targets/victims do not even understand that they have been abused, they are convinced that they were to blame and have issues concerning their mental health because the abuse was basically psychological terrorism and MEANT to make them feel insane, crazy, etc. They were intentionally led down this road by a malignant Narcissist and the ABUSE has disabled them mentally, so they also believe they ARE AT FAULT and live in that confusion and fog forever and NEVER recovering fully! THIS is why knowledge and education are your first effective tools to unravel the extreme confusion. You are an amazing human being and you HAVE the ability to fix yourself if you take the time to make it your priority – and part of that priority is getting that education and actualizing the truth that this was situational abuse and then discarding everything and anything about the Narcissist out of your heart and mind. No/minimal contact to start on your journey. Greg

%d bloggers like this: