What someone needed to say to you, me, or anybody when they have been discarded or ended a relationship or better yet been abused by a Narcissist!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

The love that you shared so completely with another person that SUPOSSEDLY returned this same love back to you was a lie, and a huge con job. They were betraying you, extorting you, cheating on you any chance they could, backstabbing you, destroying your good name, convincing you that you were crazy or insane, lying to reinforce that you were crazy, re-writing history, etc., etc. What do you do when you find out NONE OF IT was real as well as the rest of what I just wrote? What does that make you feel like? WHERE do you start to sort this all out! There are MANY layers that we HAVE to dig out of, and don’t forget it is connected to that amazing ‘love emotion.’ But your spirit as weak or damaged as it is will be there to get you through this. That spirit is ALWAYS alive as long as you and I are breathing!

We understand the process of falling out of love and probably many have experienced this before, but in a NORMAL relationship. What did we love? A rock, air, dirt, a tick, an alien? There is a big question that needs answered and those ‘love’ emotions are tugging at us in a different direction. Our minds fail us in the confusion at times and we believe that they DO LOVE US because they are still contacting us after the fact so let’s work even harder at fixing this, so we go to that place to believe AGAIN. But it will be just more of the same abuse, but we STILL don’t actually get it. We eventually will and do get it, but completely wrapping our head around that is insurmountable and takes a great deal of perspective and time to actualize and it is all compounded with so many other layers that need dealt with. There is too much adversity and confusion at once, so it becomes traumatizing! It is like believing that your neighbor saw a ghost, so you sort of get it, but without past experience to back it up WE DON’T REALLY GET IT. Be gentle with yourself and ALWAYS realize that it is all part of the process we have to experience to put real perspective where it belongs and that is why the educational aspect is so important.

OK, so when we do get it, there are more questions! Were we just that crazy to love an insane and destructive creature? Were we this bad off or mentally deficient that this is what we welcomed or allowed into our lives? Is this all that we could get? No, no, no, no, no, no, no AND no! But without the education about these creatures we have to step back so far to figure this all out AND deal with issues that are so foreign to our normal way of thinking! There is that horrible fact that we may still love them lurking around in all of this. YES, I keep repeating this, BUT it is the catalyst that keeps us attached to them at the hip! So the PERSPECTIVE – now we have to work through the falling out of love by accepting the truth that they were a psychological terrorist/rapist that we unknowingly opened up our life to. We have to blend the two opposing thoughts together and become functional in our thinking that yes it was both things AND the door to recovery opens up.

NOW a new step, and we start speaking out about the truth AND our situation – we ARE finally getting somewhere. Unfortunately, people may start shaking their heads and fingers at us. None of which is welcoming or helping us and adds more confusion and despair. We feel like we are walking alone in this journey and there always seems to be more confounding aspects to it that we must stumble on and define before we can move forward again. We get on people’s nerves because we keep talking about it! We need answers and this is how we find them. STILL it is part of the necessary process to healing, even as much as we get on people’s nerves we really don’t mean to!

The most important aspect is convincing ourselves that this was a Narcissist. Until we get there we will only remain in a confused state, blaming ourselves and reaching back to find out what WE did wrong. This only adds our own layers to this abuse. YIKES!! What I can say through my experience is that everything does fall into place, but the process takes education, time, real support from other targets/victims and a great deal of energy to purge all of the negativity out of us before we move forward. Don’t forget we can and will fall backwards and that again is just part of the process and we learn from our mistakes. There is also the overwhelming exhaustion from carrying so much anxiety and the trauma, and that surfaces as physical ailments. So, so much to deal with and then there is more than likely a ‘smear campaign’ that is waiting for us and SUDDENLY we hear WE are the bad guy.

So once you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel you stumble into more abuse because that Narcissist has been out there destroying your integrity with that SMEAR CAMPAIGN and well before the relationship ended. They have slandered you in every possible way just through knowing personal aspects of your life and using that familiarity to fuel their smear campaign by making that personal information negative and sourcing out people to pit against you. Again, for now you have to put all of that on the back burner to get out of the immediate fog. Believe me that the people that listen to a Narcissist’s BS are not worth your time. Anybody that buys the Narcissists BS without allowing you to be present to tell the truth and defend yourself is just as disordered as the Narcissist. In the end I didn’t lose the people I loved that were real and important in my life. This is all part of the process to recover from this abuse, so understanding through the experience of others provides clarity and hopefully a promise of a viable and positive direction to get through this.

Who could EVER believe the truth that presented itself to us and lives in us about this abuse and how someone just used us for the time they did and how they were inclined to destroy us as well. It is still hard for me to accept, but I know better because I lived through it and the truth is right there to back it up. What I can’t believe is that there are human beings capable of this and as a normal person with empathy it is not within my realm to understand them! That says a great deal and an important point just within those words that after experiencing and recovering from this abuse it is still hard for a person of empathy to get it completely. But what I learned is that I don’t have to ‘get it’ so completely, I just have to understand it and accept the truth to forget about that Narcissist because they are what they are and that HAS to be enough. Knowing and believing this enables you to move forward and work on everything else that involves getting healthy. Don’t waste your time on getting into their heads, or trying to understand them, or trying to fix THEM because you are only denying the very truth YOU ALREADY KNOW! It is now time for you to work through and get past this psychological/emotional abuse so you can enter back into a great world feeling healthy! It is a necessity to focus on yourself!

What about all of those amazing memories and the time you spent together, the plans, goals, dreams, holidays and fun. Well let’s put a little spin on that. How much fun comprised the relationship from day one to the final discard. Perhaps 1/100th of it. I didn’t have fun past the first year. Seriously I was a full-time baby sitter and servant to a mentally disturbed child. I spent most of my time dealing with justifications and bending over backwards to try to fix what was unfixable and completely lost myself in the process. I was always in the corner sitting on a stool getting my verbal beatings and told how awful I was (just imagery.) I wasn’t any of that, but I was intentionally made to feel that way.

Was I crazy, insane, off my rocker? Probably so but not by choice. The effects of the slow and subtle abuse took me there day by day. I became disabled because I was meant to be taken there by this destructive person. That is victimization and even as much as I hate that word it is the REAL definition and I had to understand it or stay frozen in denial. It helped me understand the process and the rest of it was up to me as far as my personal responsibility, new boundaries and moving forward. I have found those wounded parts of me that helped me understand my part and I worked through them. I understand the process and I separated the facts and I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS ABUSE, and I am not crazy, or deserved any of this, or anything like that! You didn’t either! There is only one way out of this and it starts with NO/MININAL contact! Greg

SO, where do people get the idea that Narcissists aren’t to blame for what they do?

Did the Narcissist really have a relationship in mind, or was it an agenda from the mind of a highly disordered and not fully functioning human being to extort and harm us? We all know that answer to this now, AND after the fact. It was NEVER a relationship – it was more like a predator after prey. They camouflage themselves and trap us with that amazing CHARM and then take us through the paces of HARM and everything else in between to get at what they want. It is ALL about the mask they wear.

The Narcissist camouflages themselves to trick, deceive, control, and then maneuver their potential target just like a predator trapping their prey. Again, they TRICK and TRAP their prey just like a predator to create an unfair HIDDEN advantage over them and then plug them into their “agenda” of achieving supply to devour what they can from us – they never pick a fair fight – IT IS ALL SMOKE AND MIRRORS. They are cowards and bullies period that use lies and manipulation while hiding in the shadows to avoid being exposed by the light of the truth! REMEMBER THIS – they are able to control themselves in public, but they abuse behind closed doors when nobody but their target is present. That is a huge indicator that a Narcissist is VERY aware of their actions and keeps their manipulative and abusive ‘self’ well hidden. So, the process is cognitive, or the Narcissist is ‘knowing’ and ‘thinking’ about what they are doing based on THEIR needs and the consequences if they are caught to protect themselves from exposure – otherwise they just do NOT care who they harm in the process. They know what they do is considered horrendous and dehumanizing to the people they prey upon so they cleverly create a very positive and fake ‘Narcissistic mask’ in public that makes them out to be the next best thing to a saint, and from behind this mask they blame and shame the rest of the world for their sins BUT act on every immoral need they have. They are rationally thinking about their abusive actions with their double standard ‘public relations’ knowing if they are ever exposed they would be considered abusive and DANGEROUS – or even criminals. SMOKE and MIRRORS a cognitive process that is really cause and effect. The MASK that covers the truth!

SO, where do people get the idea that Narcissists aren’t to blame for what they do? GOOD question but simply put they dupe everyone – and we know this personally! It is just “monkey crazy” to think that Narcissists can’t ‘control’ themselves when we ACTUALLY see them ‘controlling’ themselves perfectly when there are witnesses (other people) present. We do just fine with treating people with respect and NOT intentionally hurting people which includes the Narcissist. So, does being behind closed doors with us make them suddenly delusional, out of control and abusive and SOMEHOW this has something to do with us? Then add to this their lies that cover up their indiscretions. Their problem is a lack of integrity, empathy, morality and conscience. Conscience specifically is what makes people behave the same in the dark as in the light of day or knowing right from wrong. They know exactly what they are doing and exactly what is at stake if they are outed and made accountable. You don’t create lies to cover your tracks (for wrongdoing) UNLESS you don’t want to be caught because you KNOW your actions are wrong!

They want what they want, they will lie and deceive to get it, they do NOT care who they hurt/use in the process no matter who you are, and they constantly repeat the process with many different people. This is why we become so disillusioned and traumatized when the real truth is apparent because beyond the red flags is the real truth of just how HORRIBLY they betrayed us in so many ways that it literally shuts us down facing that truth – and that truth sounds way too incredulous if we do try to explain what happened. A malignant Narcissist traumatizes and destroys people’s lives, their soul, their core beliefs, and even their normalcy and sanity. This is why this is called abuse. Knowledge, education, time and support from other victims/survivors is the only way to start on a journey to recovery. Use your voice and share your story to reach out for validation and help to move forward. Knowledge is our power – so we must seek it out to understand this disaster we endured with our abuser. No/minimal contact ALWAYS!

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

What does any connection with a Narcissist yield – emotional and psychological abuse that disables your individuality and worth as a human being!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

After this relationship ends there will be psychological, emotional, as well as personal issues that you will have to deal with. This abuse is not just about the horrendous things your abuser did to you because that is now the past and the abusive aspect. What you are having to face are the things that you unfortunately allowed to happen that have changed many of your perspectives concerning your belief system, thought processes, your worth, your mind and your heart. Now hear me out that this is not saying you accepted the abuse, you adapted in a damaging way to become functional where there was no real function for you in this relationship because it was a desperate love that you were conditioned into believing you didn’t deserve because there was something wrong with YOU! The abuse manipulated you and managed you down in such a manner that it basically brain-washed you as well as traumatized you in the process of trying to achieve a cohesive or loving relationship. You were reacting to the fear of loss that was imposed on you to conform or be forced out by the Narcissist. It doesn’t define you as weak, a fool, dumb or any of the above it is just a fact of what this abuse does.

There are many internal messages that the abuse has imprinted on your mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had. These certain changes that took place over the course of the abuse must be undone so you can become the person that you want to be, or the person you were before the abuse.

What a victim/target of emotional and psychological abuse experiences:

•constantly hearing that internalized and critical voice from the negative messages that were implanted into your head and heart from your abuser
•wondering why you are not feeling happier now that you have moved on and away from the abuse as you believe you should be feeling
•feelings of insecurity concerning how you appear to others, or feeling a need to always explain yourself, or just uncertainty of how you fit into this world
•feeling angry, suffering anxiety and depression and sometimes questioning your own sanity
•the feeling that time is passing you by and you are missing out on many things in your life or basically you are stuck in a dark and ominous void
•a strong feeling that you don’t want to be the person you are or overly sensitive to your situation
•feeling hesitant to accept your own perceptions about things as compared to before when you were very decisive about most everything
•a feeling like you want to run away or completely escape your present situation
•a sense of worthlessness and failure where before you felt confident with your abilities
•a loss of enthusiasm and spontaneity and trust of life
•living in a perpetually guarded state or always protecting yourself from being hurt through avoidance and isolation
•thinking and feeling that something is wrong with you
•constant soul searching and reviewing past incidents in the hope of determining what went wrong, even obsessing
•a strong loss of self-confidence compounded by a growing feeling of self-doubt and always feeling the need to apologize for who you are
•living in the future instead of the present, believing everything will be good when this, that, and whatnot happens – but you also feel it is not happening and you feel your life is basically over as it concerns finding true happiness again
•having a distrust of people, future relationships and settling that you may be alone because you are unlovable or don’t offer enough for another person to love you, or that you are worthless

Those are some of the things that may be cycling through your thoughts and mind. These disabling thoughts are directly related to the managing down, manipulation, and the negative messages from the abuse. These are the very things that you must conquer or extinguish because if not you will be imprisoned by these messages forever. Becoming healthy again is replacing these distorted messages and returning to ‘the old you’ that existed before the abuse. The most important thing here is learning to trust and love yourself again and then reigniting those old belief systems BUT with new boundaries and introspection – this only happens with self-compassion and understanding that most if not all of these distorted thoughts came to you from a personality disordered person that you must now put out of your mind and life forever!

This abuse doesn’t stop the very day you walk away from a psychologically and emotionally abusive partner. It more than likely may continue to affect you long after you are out of the relationship until you completely educate yourself about this abuse or what psychological and emotional abuse is! It is unfortunate that you and I have had to experience this and are left disabled and damaged by our abuser, BUT we can’t allow it to affect and destroy the remainder of our life by staying imprisoned with these thoughts. You were an amazing person before the abuse and you are going to be more than that when you recover and become a survivor with new boundaries and a new perspective when you get back to life and living again.

Psychological and emotional abuse is any judgement, from ANY source, that humiliates, undermines and paralyses you. People do have a right to comment on errors you have made, but they are NEVER justified in suggesting that those errors undermine your human worth or dehumanize you through a personal attack. If you think about your abuse with a Narcissist, this was a slow and insidious day by day and CONSTANT manipulation of your character. It was mixed with love and you were thrown a little bone now and then, but that was only to pull you back into the abuse and managed down more or negative conditioning. It was a horrendous manipulation of your mind, character and integrity by a disordered person, dehumanization and purely sadistic. They are the sick one here and not you, but you have been damaged and disabled by your connection with them.

This abuse keeps you hyper focused on the past by only viewing the present and the future through the negative perspective of the abusive relationship or those negative messages that were forced into your head and heart. When you’re in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship, the Narcissist always reminded you of everything you have ever done wrong and basically told you that you will never change. They do this with the constant managing down with something new or old and remind you of it constantly. There was never much that was ever directed at you in a positive manner either, instead everything you did was devalued where you continually strived to do better in response to the devaluation and that became your normal with them. What did this make you feel like? Worthless! Basically, it is the devaluation stage of the abuse and that is where these negative messages became imprinted on your mind! AGAIN – it is insidious and sadistic or dehumanization of a human being.

Psychological and Emotional abuse basically brainwashes you into accepting whatever negative things your abuser said about you as real or your reality and worth as a person. They make you so vulnerable through the devaluation process that it confuses AND disables your reality which in turns undermines your own opinion of yourself AND then you believe they must be right because they are so relentless and angry about these so-called things you do. The Narcissist is HEAVILY invested in their agenda to devalue you so they can maintain their power and control over you! Their attacks are traumatizing with their desperate convictions, lies, betrayal, accusations and so much more.

Narcissists do not think the same way the rest of us do as far as it concerns empathy, love, and support because it would allow us to be individuals that think independently or outside of their controlling and abusive nature. What is logical and reasonable to us, is the absolute opposite to them. It’s one of the reasons healthy people get so frustrated and confused and ABUSED by narcissists. We would never consider making someone angrier or more upset – especially someone we value and love. To the Narcissist making someone angrier, invalidating their concerns and using it against them is part of their agenda to devalue or abuse – it is basically controlling another person. They are only cowards that always lurk in the shadows to hide their real identity with their lies, manipulation and perverted lifestyle. Control is power in their world and the end result is ALWAYS abuse as it concerns people that have any connection to them! The process to recovery involves reversing the negative conditioning and desensitizing the horrendous messages that stole your reality, self-esteem, feeling of worth, and goodness. This all starts with no/minimal contact to achieve this clarity once more by ending the cycle of abuse with this Narcissist! Greg

How they just seamlessly fit right into our world!

If a Narcissist can successfully identify with the target’s belief, plans, goals, dreams, etc., the target/victim will often succumb to the deception and offer up whatever the deceiver is targeting. With the Narcissist it is the total exploitation of the target/victim. The Narcissist employs this tactic with ease like a thief or extortionist trying to find the right combination to a safe but with a Narcissist it is to unlock our heads and hearts to get what THEY want. Remember supply is MANY things and not just about securing a romantic relationship. Narcissists are opportunists and use people to further themselves in EVERY aspect of life.

Narcissists can quickly deceive their target by adopting and mimicking anybody’s ideas and belief system to seem like they have so much in common with YOU to fulfill THEIR agenda. They will gain your trust, use controlling techniques like extreme charm and insidious rejection, vast lies, manipulation, devaluing you, isolating you, THEN discarding you or basically emotional/psychological abuse. Narcissists lack ALL empathy and are not even remotely connected or attached to us, nor bond with us, or form true beliefs and values beyond anything but their own grandiosity, self-importance and vast neediness.

Once again, and very important – Narcissists know how to introduce themselves and engage with another person in order to find out their personal life story, interests, and ask who they are and what they stand for. ALL OF THIS INFORMATION will be stored away to CHARM you in first and then against you to HARM you and control you later. They know how to manipulate you right into their lair with that charm that is really the very key to gaining your trust and to open your mind like a safe to find all of the valuables you have hidden away. Many people want affirmation about their beliefs and are open and become vulnerable when another person with empathy (of which they have NONE) affirms them or identifies with them as having a strong and common connection – it is NORMAL in OUR world. BUT in a Narcissists world they are really CONNING you into a BAD connection with them because they are after something. This is what opens up our minds to the Narcissist so they can crawl in there and extort everything they can

Narcissists also manipulate others via faking emotions which most people read as being appealing, authentic, and accurate and then we respond accordingly as normal people do. The use of the right “emotion” at the right time opens up the person emotionally to the detached and cold Narcissist who is watching from behind their own fake persona, like a predator stalking prey, waiting to seize the person emotionally. The Narcissist’s emotional camouflage is strikingly convincing and fools most people upon whom they use it on – BUT it does not mean we ARE a fool – it means we were FOOLED.

Given that Narcissists are emotionally dead, then it follows they lack the important NORMAL internal mechanisms to associate or bond with people. Along with this they also lack constraint for their actions, impulses, and vast neediness – the Narcissist fits the category of non-functioning human being. They live in a world where they serve every out-of-control need because there are no constraints to stop them from acting on whatever they want. They lack empathy, so they just don’t care and are not accountable for their negative actions. People become their objects to use for their short term or long-term needs. Knowledge is power to unlock the truth about this abuse that will help us move forward to recovery by understanding NONE of this had anything to do with us! No/minimal contact always!

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

THEY LOVED US! Let’s think back about the cost of this ‘so called’ love and the price we ended up paying for it!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

Almost every target/victim that has been abused by a Narcissist goes through a long and arduous period of emotional denial. The denial is based on the emotional connection (love or caring) because a target/victim hangs onto the belief that this Narcissist cared or loved them, and it is very hard to let go of that. A normal person just can’t turn love OFF – but a Narcissist can turn it off just as easily as they turned it on because love is a tool they use to con people! They DON’T love because they don’t have the emotions or empathy to support it! So again, we all had an expiration date that was set in stone by the Narcissist because something new would inevitably come along to replace us – it is just what naturally happens to anyone that is in any sort of relationship with a Narcissist.

Because there were strong emotions involved with this person (the Narcissist,) we believe that they could have NEVER committed the atrocities that stand before us! Love is a VERY strong emotional attachment! It is virtually impossible to TRULY accept the hideous reality that the person who claimed to be the love of your life, or a parent, brother/sister, or even your loving best friend is actually a Malignant Narcissist that ABUSES you. No way, this was the real thing, this person totally LOVED you and you loved them. It was SO REAL, and you just can’t ascertain that someone could be that adept at conning you into LOVING them and then being so toxic in your life! You try to justify this over and over again and you keep returning to this powerful emotion that you shared reciprocal LOVE with your Narcissist. Yes, you do feel love because you are NORMAL and can love – but that is all you are feeling the love YOU have for THEM!

You have to think back and recall just how uneasy you felt in this relationship, how YOU were continually accepting the negativity that always seemed to be present when you were together. Think about the lies, betrayal, put downs and so many other things that just weren’t normal to a loving relationship. You worked your hardest at rationalizing and justifying this LOVE and continually tried to fix this distorted relationship (love) rather than accepting the truth from your intuition shouting out at you. You STILL keep justifying that it was love and you must have overlooked something or other that could have fixed everything! WHO was making you try so hard to fix this? Who was telling you everything was wrong and it was YOUR fault? Who never put an effort into allowing you to voice normal concerns? Who silenced you over and over again and why? The truth is that this could never have turned out any different than what it did because it was meant to be temporary! What about the new supply and how quickly this Narcissist JUMPED right into that relationship! Where is/was the love that you kept fighting for? It was NEVER there in the first place!

Then ask yourself how many times you had to reassure yourself that everything WOULD be OK if you did this, that or any number of different things! Also, the many important ‘personal’ things concerning your needs that were always dismissed to make and keep this Narcissist happy and it was NEVER enough. How many times were you so confused about crazy statements, arguments, accountability, or the many lies that you probably justified or ignored? What about affairs? Were there any or many? Did you always feel as if you had to explain yourself for most everything you did or said no matter what? Did you feel any sense of normalcy with this person after the ‘amazing love’ in the beginning? Did you feel like parts of your life had mysteriously disappeared and it isn’t the same as it used to be. You always felt so frustrated in general, confused, anxious, you felt tired or exhausted from day after day of arguments that had no basis, and just the general feeling of unhappiness. Or maybe you feel shabby about yourself or worthless. Is it a feeling that things have spun out of control in your life and you are WONDERING WHY this has happened! You haven’t done anything different than you have in the past (as it concerned your previous ‘normal’ relationships,) but YOU are always working on something or other to get this relationship right! What is the coefficient here? Where is the distress AND stress coming from? Why do you always feel so ANXIOUS and CONFUSED? If you think about this and compile a ‘distress list’ of all of the crazy making and chaos from this relationship it will be hundreds of times longer than a list that would outline the good things that showed this person (the Narcissist) was actually reciprocating with love.

I think most of us know the root of the problem but trying to get past the emotional stronghold has been the REAL problem and what kept us believing in the huge lie we were living. Through all of this we twisted and tweaked our thoughts so much so that we were able to justify most everything in a manner that made us change our behaviors and basic beliefs to meet the needs of this Narcissist so we could keep believing in what we were conned into believing that this was love. We believed that WE could change things to make this relationship right again – but who was telling us to change and WHY? We took charge of trying to make things right and make changes! We ACCEPTED the blame that was handed to us. We accepted silence to avoid arguments. We accepted lies to avoid hearing the truth. We possibly believed that if we offered more LOVE this would fix everything! Was it love that would heal this? Just exactly what WAS this love? Was it totally one sided? Could you even ascertain what this relationship was OR were you always wondering? What was the cost from this love you offered?

Was there anyone else (like the Narcissist you cared for OR loved) involved in the process to make this relationship work or right again or was there actually someone that was making everything wrong in the relationship (the Narcissist AGAIN)? Did you ever have a firm grip on this relationship as far as security and a future? Were you ALWAYS walking on thin ice and feeling that at any given moment it would break and you would fall through and drown in the dark and icy cold waters below? Were you giving EVERYTHING you had and received nothing in return? What if ANYTHING actually CHANGED with the extreme attempts that you made to fix this relationship! You and I changed as a result of all of this – we gave most of ourselves away because we were dealing with a psychological abuser and terrorist that PLAYED with us in a cat and mouse manner, and they were so good at it! Yes, we changed and lost so much of ourselves in this horrendous game only because we were conned into BELIEVING A HUGE LIE by a manipulative and self-serving creature! So much of our belief system was shattered as well as our innocence as it concerned how another human being could hate and deliberately destroy another human being’s life. THEN we realize that we loved this monster that did all of this. What is the mistake we have made MANY times over? Believing and applying the blame to ourselves, as well as denying that this couldn’t be real love and THAT would start the whole vicious cycle up again and repeat itself over and over again. It is OUR emotional bond that has us attached at the hip to the Narcissist and that is what keeps you hanging on.

Ask yourself how you feel today (post abuse?) Let’s say it is a few months to a few years AFTER this relationship ended. Do you still feel very alone and just so worn out? Do you feel a sense of worthlessness like you don’t have a place in this life like you use to? Do you feel hurt by many things that surrounded the relationship and can’t get to a real or complete closure yet? Are you still wondering WHY? Do you feel like you are avoiding life in many ways like getting back out there with friends and you definitely don’t want to think about getting into another relationship? Are YOU the spouse that has accepted ALL the responsibilities as far as raising the kids from this relationship and still enduring the highs and lows because of the lack of involvement from your ex and regular bouts of chaos? Do you keep tabs on what and where your ex Narcissist is in life and feeling that they have moved on and doing good and you are JUST STUCK? Do you feel disabled in many ways?

Completely cut those imaginary ties and cut the cord that still connects you to a pathological Narcissist, as well as his/her disordered supporters and their abnormal and distorted frame of reference AND games. Nothing good will ever come out of allowing a Narcissist and his/her pathological defenders or minions having a place in your life, heart, or mind. The connection between the Narcissist and their followers/supply is a disordered perspective that messes with your healthy life AND creates the intense inner tension and vast confusion and starts you searching AGAIN for those answers. To eliminate this means to free yourself body, soul, heart and mind from this Narcissist, their followers and their opinions, standards AND games. What they do, say, think or believe and the silly mind games they choose to play simply does not matter OR belong in your world. What they post on social sites is just another mask they use that hides the truth and them begging for attention! Totally disengage from anything and everything that concerns the Narcissist. I did a long time ago and I am very clear about my situation and the real truth. I do not connect to THIS NARCISSIST at any level, I pull myself away from ANY and EVERY situation or connection that might exist. Everything this Narcissists does or projects is just more and more layers of ridiculous lies to protect themselves from exposure and the real truth of what they are. I absorbed all of that information a long time ago and saturated my mind with the truth that this person is dead inside and really a monster! These are words I never believed I would use in my lifetime to describe anybody BUT that is only the truth as it concerns this person, so I can say them now! I can also say I am repulsed by this person and their lifestyle. It is all so clear now and that is what moved me forward to live and love again – THE TRUTH! This was the first step to my recovery but a very important one for clarity!

What does any connection with a Narcissist yield? Just blame, shame, sadness, frustration, a sense of defeat, doubt, constant and conflicting thoughts, many lies, mistrust, feelings of worthlessness, distorted emotions, betrayal, destruction, and ABUSE. PLEASE internalize that despite how intense the emotional upheaval might be, it is so worth getting your freedom back to live life as you should – otherwise what other option really exists? Remember this if you remember anything, you are not weak, stupid, you are vulnerable and struggling to find answers, so it is particularly distressing when your normal reality has been intentionally corrupted by what you believed was just a caring and loving human being that turned into this MONSTER! Please remember that your emotions bond you to this creature and that is what you have to actualize by accepting the truth about them as far as the fake love they offered that you believed in – it wasn’t real it was a trap. This is where you must start by rationalizing the truth and rejecting everything about this Narcissist. A relationship and love does not involve bargaining parts of your life away to meet anybody’s needs! No/minimal contact PLEASE because it is the only way out of this horrendous nightmare! Greg

Every target/victim/survivor, writer, or mental health professional will always say the best way to cope with a Narcissist is NOT to engage or deal with them at all, and to get as far away from them as you can, and as fast as you can and firm it up with NO/minimal CONTACT – so just how do we start?

FIRST with some facts and truth! The Narcissist can’t maintain their façade without exposing their true colors — and exposure is their greatest fear. So the Narcissist exerts their last bit of power to annihilate the very source that could expose the truth – their target/victims. Hence all those clinical terms that describe the repercussions of our relationship with them like back stabbing and the ‘smear campaign’ and BOOM we are destroyed, done and gone forever. No-one is ever the wiser, so life goes on FOR THE NARCISSIST while we pay for it emotionally and psychologically. Don’t forget that there are always THOSE new sources that the Narcissist has been grooming while they were abusing us so there you go again – BOOM – they have a brand-new supply (target/victim) ready and waiting to serve them and new soldiers/minions to protect their lies and shore up the fortress. They are both CHARMING to get their entourage of supporters/new supply and HARMING to their MANY past victims that they MUST annihilate to move on without exposure – they use both of these as bring their agenda to fruition. BUT – never doubt that the Narcissist will not haunt you even AFTER they have attacked your integrity/character – that is why we MUST get away from them completely. They will always be available to pull you backwards into the abuse with more manipulation and trickery.

The first and most important step is we MUST come to the realization that our intuition that something was wrong (VERY wrong) is the reality or truth about our relationship with them. We can no longer stay lost in the fog of their CONSTANT manipulation of our emotions. This will open the door to clarity and ALL of the truth that they are completely disordered and not fully functioning human beings. Narcissists are excellent manipulators and they can convince you or ‘brain-wash’ you into believing that it is YOU and not them that has the problem, and everything is your fault and you have abused them – that is how they control us by diverting from the truth and BLAMING us for their abuse! This is always their escape route or BLAMING us to avoid accountability of what they are! Remember they are convincing other people that it is us as well.

You must also educate yourself about this personality disorder or you will be pulled back into the abuse time and time again because of their lies and manipulation. Block their manipulative and controlling narcissistic behaviors and completely ignore them and remove any and all narcissistic supply that they are getting from you. They CAN and will blind sight you with crazy making and chaos and you will spend your entire life in a dance with the Narcissist until one day you wake up and you have lost sight of who you are and where your life has gone. Don’t try to reason with them because they simply refuse to confront their own behaviors or acknowledge that they have ANY problem at all. They are after supply pure and simple and objectify EVERY person to get it, so we are all just a stepping stone to their next source. Communication with them will only create a frenzy of crazy making that will create more negativity because they live this way. You can’t rationalize with a Narcissist because where there is no reality there is no truth. Manipulation and lies are the tools they utilize which are always meant to completely control and harm others.

Lastly, you must Identify and build strong personal boundaries against the Narcissist or they will continually violate you. These boundaries MUST include emotional, mental, and even physical boundaries, and the boundaries MUST be strong, enforceable, and completely leak-proof.

There are situations where you HAVE to deal with a Narcissist especially if you have children together, or they are a family member. So, to cope with a Narcissist effectively you must be able to differentiate between reality and normalcy that DEFINE YOU as compared to the constant drama, chaos and crazy making that orbits around the Narcissist constantly that THEY try to pull you into and define you as. You must consistently validate your own personal existence and morals, and hold onto yourself with a firm grip, never allowing the Narcissist to drag you back into the abuse by violating and controlling your emotions, thoughts, or behaviors like they did. If you don’t, they will eat you alive and drag you back into the abuse with their vast array of manipulation, lies, betrayal, brain-washing and essentially psychological ABUSE! They will even do this even once they have moved on if you allow them to.

In the end you will realize that there was absolutely nothing you gained from your relationship with a Narcissist, but DISCARDING THEM from your heart, mind, and soul. You will get your freedom back to HEAL and live a normal and healthy life again it you make it your goal. Your empathy and emotions connected you to them at the hip – we call this “love” in a normal relationship, but unfortunately there was not even an ounce or shred of normalcy/reality in our association with them. You were abused by a Narcissist and they are masters of deception and extorting every aspect of our life mentally and physically. We are NOT objects to serve this personality disordered Narcissist – we are amazing human beings that deserve real love, human dignity, reality, and respect. No/minimal contact to start on your road to freedom and recovery! You ARE amazing and a survivor because you are here today READY to move forward to your personal recovery and you will get there and THRIVE! Empower yourself with the truth about them and discard them from your heart and mind forever.

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

EVERYONE has an expiration date with a Narcissist and your replacement has been waiting in the wings!!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

With all of the extreme confusion that surrounded the departure of this abusive Narcissist from your life you were left with significant and distorted messages that put the heavy burden of the blame onto and into you and those messages are still living in your mind and heart! This is the same confusion that always surrounded every aspect of the relationship and has now reemerged and turned into more denial of the real truth with the discard. This denial has planted itself firmly in your life and keeps you in a constant state of limbo in your mind and your heart. It is really a chaotic conflict that keeps cycling back and forth inside of you. Consequently, instead of confronting the reality (or truth) you keep turning to every other avenue to reach a closure that ISN’T based on reality and you BASICALLY reject that you were abused. You don’t really see that it was abuse because you were conditioned to see it as something about YOU that caused everything disparaging in this relationship. When a person is physically abused with a blackened eye for example, that singular action undeniably DEFINES it as abuse to you personally, as well as anyone that sees the damage. With psychological abuse there is no one singular action that leaves an outward bruise. Sometimes you are not even aware of all the actions and words that are harming you. The bruises are on the inside as well as the many scars that build up. It makes it extremely difficult to express the damage that lives in your heart, soul and mind because they are so many there in every level of your life. So where do you start to reconcile?

This is basically conditioning as in being ‘brainwashed’ by a very manipulative, cunning, and disordered person AND a pro at it! That Narcissist wanted you to BELIEVE that they REALLY loved you at first, but when they REALLY got to know you in such a personal/loving manner then all of a sudden THEY realized that YOU really had all of these horrible issues and that YOU were REALLY defective and abusing them. REALLY? They have been sending this message to you subtly from the very first day they met you and then stepped it up with the devaluation and discard because that expiration date was inevitable. The Narcissist has been out there securing MORE supply probably the same day they met you! So, look at the focus and where it was aimed – at your vulnerable loving heart and mind! Why doesn’t a Narcissist just take the goods and run when they are caught? Why do they have to play such harsh psychological games to harm people? Why do they have to destroy as much of you as they can? First because they are ONLY A FAÇADE and don’t have any real filters to control the real envy and loathing of life that resides inside of them and everything and everyone is a threat to their delicate world, so they demean and malign ALL people that share any space with them. Secondly, so they can keep abusing new people and avoiding exposure by destroying the evidence or the last person they abused!

Simply put this is just part of the agenda that enables them to MOVE ON by blaming you (devaluing) and then discarding you! This is them getting away with their abuse and justifying it. This very astute con artist got everything they wanted with their big love scam and they needed to move on and find newer supply because you just weren’t serving them and they got bored and went out looking for something better (they were always looking anyway)! There was never any real love! They were ALWAYS looking for more supply even when things were supposedly good. So, when you reached your ‘expiration date’ they were off to a new target/victim and unscathed because they had an alibi (blaming everything on you) like every criminal does and the dysfunctional people that believe them and support them! Their alibi enables them to avoid exposure by discrediting you completely! Job well done and the Narcissist is off and running. Don’t try to make them accountable because they will start a war with you that will literally drive the point home that if you play with them they will discredit you with words (LIES) that can damage you for a lifetime. This is their lifestyle, this is their disorder, this is always what they do, this is their pattern, this is abuse, and THIS IS A NARCISSIST!

It is virtually impossible to absorb such painful information AND the truth all at once. Your heart still yearns for what you were persuaded to believe during the ‘love bombing’ that this WAS somehow love! Your mind is still overwhelmed with the memories of the so-called good times with the Narcissist – YET the truth about the infidelity, the constant lies and deception, the manipulation and the backstabbing, the constant breakups and returns can no longer be denied because the truth is staring at you in the eyes! You can’t undo the damage AND everything you have learned about the Narcissist. You can’t return to the point of original innocence and the total blindness. The ‘end result’ is this contradictory existence and a HUGE internal battle clinging to the denial or accepting the real truth. How many times did you do this in the relationship by returning to a day or two of fake happiness and then it was right back to the same old same old? This is the definition of cognitive dissonance!

Cognitive dissonance is this inner contradiction concerning the target/victim’s attitude towards their abuser (the Narcissist.) It is by far not logical or normal thinking, but more of a defense mechanism for coping with the extreme deception, domination, control and abuse. Targets/victims engage in cognitive dissonance, in an attempt to reconcile the contradictory actions, words and behavior of a toxic or disordered individual that has taken over their lives. Yes, taken over their lives!

The denial takes on several different forms. First it can manifest itself as hanging onto the idealization (believing it WAS love) or still hanging onto the false hopes and beliefs from the trap that lured you in (the love bombing!) It can also shift in a manner that we do blame ourselves for what went wrong with the relationship or perhaps even shifting the blame to the person that the Narcissist was cheating with or the new supply (the ‘other’ man or woman) instead of holding the Narcissist accountable for their actions! It is by far easier to blame someone you’re not emotionally invested in than someone you love, particularly if you still cling to that person or relationship. Remember the ‘new supply’ is no part of this and they are being conned and psychologically abused as well. It is only a matter of time that the ‘new supply’ will be in this same place!

You are disabled by their HUGE con and not truly capable of accepting any part of the reality because of the constant brainwashing which now becomes your vulnerability in all of this! The TRUTH or reality of the situation that it was abuse becomes suppressed and surfaces as anxiety, depression, self-blaming, worthlessness, fear, and trauma AND from the VERY messages that were pounded into your head and now your heart by this person you invested your time and perhaps life into. Rather than confronting this reality, targets/victims entirely go into a place of denial like they were conditioned to do by their abuser. It is not that you are just that stupid or that much of a fool that you totally allowed this relationship to put you here. You were CONTINUALLY managed down by seamless manipulation slowly but surely and day by day until all of these scenarios became a way of life for you. Little by little you accepted your role with this Narcissist. Now little by little you must purge these negative messages out and replace them with the truth and positive messages about yourself! Introspection will become your next step in recovery once you actualize the real truth of your situation. You will look for your personal weaknesses and create new boundaries and a healthier lifestyle. That is when you will put the emphasis TOTALLY into yourself to move forward without any singular thought of this Narcissist. You will take the Narcissist’s power away from them by completely removing them from your life which in turn empowers YOU to gain the clarity and strength to heal from the damage that was caused by your association with them. Educating yourself and accepting the TRUTH that this was abuse will take the power completely away from the abuser. Moving forward AND completely away from this person gives YOU your power back and will lead you to more clarity, recovery and the healing you need. THIS is only accomplished by No/Minimal contact! Greg

Just how do they keep those MANY lies all shored up with so many people being NONE the wiser?

Separating people through triangulation to divide and conquer so that the Narcissist can be many different things to many people – or basically using their many different facades, lies, and manipulation and compartmentalizing people. A Narcissist creates all of the terms in life and they are everchanging to always meet THEIR needs and never ours.

The Narcissist is an EXTREME egotist that denies the truth of their repulsive world to themselves and cleverly hides it by the means of a false reflection or mask to pathologically fool or snare us into their grasp. The more the Narcissist is able to successfully ‘seduce’ others and convince them that they are loved or liked the more the bounty (supply) for the Narcissist. They are self-created, or better yet, self-de-created, and then FALSELY re-created. What is re-created is not a self, but a reflection or ‘FUNCTIONAL” copy of a working image of a human being. It is a compilation of observations the Narcissist has made from watching people and mirroring what he/she sees back onto them – imitating their good qualities, likes/dislikes, everything and anything ESPECIALLY that CHARM and love to draw us into their web of deceit. They really bring home the definition of ‘having something in common’ with people. They MORPH into having EVERYTHING in common with us – and there are MANY of us in every walk of life that they use on a daily basis.

A Narcissist is very calculating and refuses ANY connection or obedience to any of the requirements of life or the natural moral laws as they apply to human dignity and human rights. Obedience to a Narcissist implies that there is something larger or better than what they are, and they will never comply because it would define them as being weak to allow anyone to feel significant enough to be their equal or better. They self-create their omnipotence with lies, rewriting history and manipulating people to prop themselves up. It is almost like the Narcissist completely relates everything in life to a measurement – but this measurement begins with them – or as the saying goes, the sun rises and sets on a Narcissist because they feel they are above all life and they will do everything they can to control people and life to make it so.

A Narcissist creates the terms of how THEY measure everything in life. So, if they were a ‘tape measure or a ruler’, they would determine the dynamics of each and every measurement OR define every inch of every foot, and you can believe that it would NOT be consistent as it is SUPPOSED to be. The Narcissist must be ‘that which measures’ (and judges) and NEVER that WHICH IS MEASURED and NEVER judged. Literally they coin the phrase “give them an inch and they will take a yard.” Well that and anything else they can get that serves them.

A Narcissist is calculating for the sake of procuring power! Power allows them the control over others that they need to function and survive in our world. It also protects them from exposure and facing the truth of their own disordered and abusive lifestyle. This false mask hides AND protects the Narcissist from having to face themselves off in the mirror and see the reality of WHAT THEY ARE – a modern day ‘DENIAL’ monster that is destructive and abuses life and people to get their own way. Their goal posts that define them are interchangeable and constantly changing to always and ONLY meet THEIR needs no matter WHO they hurt or destroy in the process. They most assuredly destroy a target that catches onto them, plus they already have a replacement or two or ten waiting in the wings to pick up the whole process where they left it off with us, stealing ‘supply’ and sucking the very life force out of the new target. No fuss, no muss, and never emotions or love just a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist has a new host ready and waiting – seriously this is the truth and what we MUST accept to move on and away from this abuse. We must discard any matters of the heart or mind as they concern trying to figure the Narcissist out OR trying to help or heal them or investing any emotions in them. We must empower ourselves with the truth that this was situational abuse and we MUST get out to heal and move forward to a healthy life – and one we all deserve. Knowledge is our superpower! No/minimal contact to get your freedom back!

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist

Sticks and Stones may Break your Bones, but a Narcissist’s words will Psychologically ABUSE you!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

You have been abused. You are a target/victim of abuse. You were systematically targeted, betrayed, and deceived by a disordered human being with a false mask of reality. A person manipulated you into liking them, getting to know them, trusting them and loving them. It was as real to you as it would have been to ANY OTHER human being that started out on whatever type of relationship journey it was. The experience of meeting somebody special and going through the process of dating (or even friendship) and creating this relationship WAS NO DIFFERENT than what any other person would experience. BUT IT WAS DIFFERENT because you were being set up for extortion and abuse AND this relationship wasn’t REAL in the least bit, not even in the smallest way. It was all lies, a con job, manipulation, and a hideous betrayal.

It was pathological in such an extreme manner that it is just impossible to understand how another human being could be so cruel and abhorrent to lead a good, caring, and loving person down a road of psychological abuse that could essentially destroy or damage them for life. This is a reality that nobody could ever understand, because there are NO ADEQUATE words to describe the feeling of what this abuse does to a sane, loving and empathic person. To understand the time that is lost, the EXTREME betrayal, and the experience of feeling worthless AND punished for no other reason than the fact that you were at the wrong place at the WRONG time and chosen by a predator to be their next victim of abuse. It is incomprehensible and takes so much self-reflection, strength, courage, love, and validation and a new journey that we must embark upon to fix ourselves now. Sometimes it doesn’t happen because many targets/victims do not even understand that they have been abused, they are convinced that they were to blame and have issues concerning their mental health because the abuse was PYSCHOLOGICAL RAPE and MEANT to make them feel insane, crazy, etc. They were intentionally led down this road by a Malignant Narcissist and the ABUSE has disabled them mentally, so they also believe they ARE AT FAULT and live in that confusion and fog forever and NEVER fully recovering! Children of Narcissistic parents that are raised with this abuse become emotionally stunted because it becomes their ‘normal’ all throughout life or basically never knowing or understanding real love and feeling worthy.

SAY NEVER! We never, never, never deserved this and most assuredly NEVER, EVER asked for this because of WHO we are. We wonder where our prince/princess charming has gone and WHAT HAS HAPPENED that made this go so wrong because now they are more like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. or Ms. Hyde. Well the time has come that we HAVE to move forward and learn about these predators. We have ONE DIRECTION to go and that is forward and now it is time for some MORE education about this abuse. We could only have wished we had known that this was abuse prior to this destructive experience, but how could we have known that this really existed and that there are predators out there like a psychologically abusive Narcissist.

Time to EDUCATE and LIBERATE yourself! Your knowledge will be your success in recovering. It will break the chain of this abuse OR thinking we can help them, cure them, use our ‘love’, fix and reverse this, change, plead, bargain or negotiate with this abuser. We quickly realize it is impossible and how the abuser wants us to react to keep us chained up in the chaos of this abuse. We will finally comprehend they have a problem we can’t possibly fix. Malignant Narcissists are masters at their game AND targeting our caring/nurturing instinct as well as capturing us through their fake charm or love. If you have been trying to fix this over and over again, STOP and accept the inevitable failure of these attempts and accept the reality, they are what they are (abusive) and there is only one direction and that is OUT of their disordered world and free from them. We have to fix ourselves and right all the wrongs and return back to a real life and the living again.

Now it is time that we have to ‘be real’ about all of this and do damage control to save ourselves and our families from this attack on our lives AND yes that is EXACTLY what it is. Just like being in war we must create and build a concrete bunker from this point on to protect ourselves from the enemy and fallout.

Their personality traits are so deeply ingrained into the cycles of this abuse that they are totally out of control and beyond ANY HELP WE COULD OFFER. They live a perverse lifestyle and have ridiculously bad judgment as it concerns any other human beings. They just don’t care what they do and hurting others is simply part of the process of getting everything they want. They also don’t care who they hurt, be it their spouse, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, biological children, friend, co-worker and even their pets.

They are not able to be in a close relationship or any relationship for that matter because there is no constraint in their life as it concerns their delusional and destructive needs, wants, and actions toward other people. THEY JUST DON’T CARE, and this is just the truth we must accept to move on and away from them. They lie and betray to manipulate us into believing that they care so they can use AND abuse every aspect of our lives.

We mourn the loss of reality in our life, along with the dreams, memories, time together, small laughs and shared experiences BECAUSE this was REAL to us. We mourn the loss of our life as if a part of us was suffocated or died from this hideous abuse. Our emotional scars cause us to doubt and question the truth of this ugly reality. We are merely disposable objects to them, and that is incomprehensible to us.

The Narcissist will most certainly react to the use of personal boundaries (or our resistance to their control) but if we are to succeed and break the cycle of this abuse we have to build an impenetrable fortress to keep them out of our lives and heads forever. Violence is always a possibility with a Narcissist so keep this first and foremost in your mind ALWAYS. Be unyielding in protecting yourself with your personal boundaries as well as with your decisions and expectations. This will go a long way in boosting your self-esteem and ending the abuse because you are taking the control away from the Narcissist and back where it belongs with yourself. Refuse to be a target/victim and don’t be a willing participant in your own abuse by ever conceding to this Narcissist ever again.

There is of course pain in the process of moving on but ‘no pain, no gain.’ That seriously is not the best choice of words, but what it means is that within the truth of understanding this abuse many things will become painfully aware to us, things we can’t even start to imagine, but the ‘pain’ will help us ‘gain’ or achieve a higher plane of awareness that seriously will lift you up closer to your goal of recovery. The truth will light the way.

The process of ‘leaving and grieving’ is emotionally devastating and lengthy. Remember that there are options out there like professional therapy or join a support group to reinforce the fact that you are not alone in this. You are not JUST a victim in this abusive situation, you were targeted because you had something the Narcissist wanted and needed. In other criminal offenses the word premeditated is a word often used to describe an action that was thought out beforehand! Don’t expect other people (no matter how close they are to you) to understand what you have been coping with. Without having their own experiences with disordered partners or Narcissists, they cannot fully understand, and they won’t be able to offer the real emotional support you need and yes it is very disappointing to feel so alone without someone to understand and support you now. Don’t take it personally because you have enough on your plate already and you don’t need to feel abandoned and invalidated any more than what you already are. This is a personal journey where you will have to draw on all of your inner strength to correct the wrong that was done to you. LASTLY it ALL can only start with no/minimal contact and this is the first and MOST important step in recovery! Greg

You cannot negotiate with a Narcissist because you are only negotiating YOUR own abuse because they are ABUSERS always looking for that NEW angle to manipulate, malign, manage you down, control you, and drag you BACK into the abuse once again. A little help and understanding their mode of operation to start moving forward without falling into another trap of theirs. DISENGAGE with trying to EVER reason with them.

THEY want us to engage with them to manage us down MORE and drag us backwards – or straight into their manipulation and abuse! Remember CONTROL is their game and they do this with their manipulation, lies, and fake empathy OR taking us from CHARM to HARM every opportunity they get – so don’t give it to them! They want us to be trapped in our own heads and hearts by leaving us with a new lie, a new game, etc. – but nothing has changed nor will it ever change with them.

Time to EDUCATE and LIBERATE yourself because this is about you! Knowledge will be your success in recovering. It will break the chain of this abuse OR thinking we can help them, cure them, use ‘our love’ to fix and reverse this, change, plead, bargain or negotiate with this abuser. We quickly realize it is impossible and our abuser wants us to react to keep us chained up in the chaos of this abuse. We will finally comprehend they have a problem we can’t possibly fix. Malignant Narcissists are masters at their game AND targeting our caring/nurturing instinct as well as capturing us through their fake ‘love.’ If you’ve been attempting to fix this over and over again, STOP and accept the inevitable truth about the failure of these attempts and accept the reality, they are what they are (abusive) and there is only one direction and that is OUT of their disordered world and free from them. We have to fix ourselves and right all the wrongs and return back to a real life and the living again.

The process of ‘leaving and grieving’ is emotionally devastating and lengthy. Remember that there are options out there like professional therapy or joining a support group to reinforce the fact that you are not alone in any of this. You are not JUST a victim in this abusive situation, you were targeted. In other criminal offenses the word premeditated is a word often used to describe an action that was thought out beforehand! Don’t expect other people (no matter how close they are to you) to understand what you have been coping with. Without having their own personal experiences with disordered partners or Narcissists, they cannot fully understand, and they won’t be able to offer the real emotional support you need. Yes, it is very disappointing to feel so alone without someone to understand and support you now and that is why you should seek out other support from people with real experience or professionals. Don’t take it personally though, because you have enough on your plate already and you don’t need to feel abandoned or invalidated any more than what you already are because that will only add another level to the abuse. Our stories sound too incredulous to be true and people will not understand WHY we stayed with an abusive person – they will not understand that a Narcissist is a con artist and an emotional and psychological abuser/terrorist.

Let’s think and talk about YOU and your emotions at this point. So, I will say what most every other writer says – YOUR EMOTIONS will be on a rollercoaster ride with so many highs and lows as well as confusion. There will be many times when you doubt yourself and question the reality of all of this and WHY did it happen to you. You will wonder if you were weak, defective, or that somehow this is the best you could get – none of which have any basis of reality because this was abuse. You can expect good and bad days, obsessive thinking, and thoughts of revenge, anger and serving justice. This is all part of the process of purging OUT the abuse and accompanying negativity or essentially externalizing it, organizing your thoughts, getting rid of it from our minds, hearts, bodies and our lives – BUT always keep a goal in mind that this was situational and had NOTHING to do with you. Keep a journal it is an amazing tool because it requires a commitment on your part to keep active and stay strong and on track to recover – it is also wonderful therapy. Sometimes it helps see your thoughts in front of you almost as if you are looking from the outside in. Surround yourself with good and normal people that can make you smile and even laugh to pull you out of the trauma if only for a little while.

Let’s talk about the relationship with ourselves because we need to be firm with ourselves too. We need to live in the reality of the situation to heal and move forward or stay in this fog forever. We have to ditch that ‘if only’ or need-for-closure that involves THEM, or that obsessive thinking that keeps us hooked wanting to see what’s happening in their lives. We need to accept the necessity to detach and be strong to resist the urge to reconnect with them. Time is our best friend. If we do have to reconnect with this abuser because of obligations – BUSINESS ONLY! This is a start to build that huge wall between you and the Narcissist or NO/minimal contact to step out of the fog and gain new clarity. This will protect you from the emotional chaos that your Narcissist will always have waiting for you. You’ve tried and dealt with their games with no success so now this is about you moving forward WITHOUT the Narcissist. You are stronger than you think because you have survived the trauma from this abuse and you are here today working toward your future well-being.
Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

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