A Narcissist is like a cantankerous, irrational three-year-old child (brat) throwing many tantrums to always get their way OR ELSE!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
In all honesty, a Narcissist has the mentality and the stance of a playground bully and reacts like a three-year-old child when they don’t get their way, BUT living in an adult’s body. They incorporate or con other kids to join in with them with fake promises OR threats to play their imaginary games or else. There will always be someone that asserts their individuality in their playground and that Narcissist will gang up on them and harm whomever with the help of their little gang of minions. Be assured you will be run off of that playground just for being you and not buying into the Narcissistic bullying, dysfunction, games, and control because they MUST be in charge at all times. You may even get the Narcissist’s Mommy knocking at your door and really get in trouble because the Narcissist has made up hideous lies about YOU maybe even saying that YOU pushed them over, kicked them, or stole their candy or money.
Now you are standing in front of them and they look like big boys and girls (adults) but they are dragging you back to your days at the playground and if you don’t play exactly the way they want you to play or their version of “make believe” they will throw you off of the merry-go-round. YES, they are the bad playground bullies but multiply that times infinity. I learned early on to disengage with my Narcissist or an argument could go on for days AND this Narcissist would easily resort to making fun of me or whatever to take me down to the lowest level – even threatening to have an affair or leave me if I DIDN’T CHANGE. There was nothing that needed changing in me except to wake up from this horrific nightmare and walk away – it is sadistic manipulation and control pure and simple.
Being amoral or just numb to the existence of morality as far as their integrity goes is based solely on what the Narcissist wants AND when they want it. It really is like a cantankerous, irrational three-year-old child (brat) throwing a tantrum. The Narcissist never gives up the argument. That Narcissist is standing there in front of you to win. If you engage the Narcissist, he/she will pull you down to their level. Keep engaging in an argument with a Narcissist and he/she brings it down to another level, and another level AND to a level lower than you care to stoop so you just stop then and there because it is just too futile to go on anymore. The Narcissist has no self-respect, integrity, compassion, or any tools that restricts their actions so behaving this way is not beneath them.
But, no matter how big a lie or how big a fit the Narcissist throws if you allow it you are enabling the Narcissist and that is a huge mistake no matter what the cost is to you otherwise. It facilitates the Narcissist’s delusions, and it gives them a power rush and CONTROL. Thus, the Narcissists is cramming his/her delusion through insults to your intelligence, dignity and self-respect. You are spoiling and enabling that Narcissistic brat/bully and allowing the monster to grow and take over completely. Unfortunately, people make this mistake because of the Narcissist’s GOOD qualities that preempted the appearance of this raging bully. We believe we can change them or fix the problems because we saw goodness in them and still believe in them. This is what the Narcissist wants us to believe and that is all part of their façade.
The processes the Narcissist utilizes to obtain, preserve, and accumulate supply is just an imaginary environment, and a comfort zone, invented by the Narcissist or that facade. It has clear geographical and physical boundaries and the Narcissist keeps complete inventory of people, places and events. The Narcissist assigns what each and every person’s role is and he/she keeps everyone isolated from each other so nobody becomes all the wiser to his/her lies and make believe world. The Narcissist compartmentalizes everybody by virtue of the needs that the Narcissist assigns! But no one person is EVER enough because the Narcissist becomes bored easily and is continually seeking out more excitement because without the ability to love or bond with another human being they have to keep getting their fix wherever they can. You have a temporary role in their lives but you believed it was real and even perhaps love – but it was abuse!
The Narcissist strives to maximize the amount of Narcissistic Supply that he/she can obtain from the people within his/her environment. The Narcissist MUST seek out and have total admiration, adoration, approval, and applause at all times. The Narcissist will step it up to even fabricate fame and notoriety with outrageous lies of achievement. None of it is real, it is all contrived and imagined – a concocted and forced “uniqueness”.
The Narcissist makes an investment based on people whose role is designed to applaud, admire, adore, approve and attend to the Narcissist’s every need. Extracting this Narcissistic Supply from them calls for FAKE emotional and cognitive investments from supply to lock them in. In turn it provides the Narcissist stability, perseverance, long-term presence, attachment, forced collaboration, unreal emotional agility (Narcissist fakes this), and people skills and so on and so forth – it makes them seem real to us and our world. Unfortunately, nobody can be held to the Narcissists rigid standards and we all fall short of their expectations and graces far too easily. We can’t live life to adorn his/her façade or SERVE them because we live, breathe and think as an individual human being in a world where interactions are real and required.
So, we are merely objects in their make-believe world to entertain them and provide supply. We are substitutes and babysitters to make up for them not having a REAL life, a real vocation or actual achievements. We displace the emotional rewards of intimacy for the Narcissist with whatever role we were designed for. The Narcissist’s permanent existence in fantasyland is based on us and intended to shield him/her from the real self-destructive urges that they act on. They do for a fact act on every urge they have but it is in direct opposition to what they make us believe is real about them and that is where our conflict begins, that and holding them accountable for the lies and promises. Our role is to accept the lies and promises, to believe this was love no matter what, and the ‘what’ is horrendous abuse. It is always a growing and consistent disappointment and disillusionment for us because we get caught up in the Narcissists delusions of grandeur and reality, and it is really ugly for us when we experience the complete cycle of their abuse.
The Narcissist feels that he/she is entitled to special, immediate, and preferential treatment. The Narcissist demands to be recognized as outstanding, talented, and unique ALWAYS. The Narcissist does not see why this recognition should depend on his/her achievements and efforts and feels unique by virtue of his/her sheer existence. This is the façade.
Additionally, the Narcissist is simply unable to behave in certain ways because he/she is in CONSTANT need of all the supply available and the Narcissist always gets tangled up in their own web of deceit. They are addicted to it. The Narcissist just can’t get attached, be intimate, persevere in a relationship, be stable, predictable, or reliable because it is too limiting to them. It protects the Narcissist from being held accountable for anything and from being abandoned. If the Narcissist does not get attached, he/she can’t be hurt. If the Narcissist avoids intimacy, he/she can’t be emotionally (or otherwise) blackmailed. If he/she does not persevere there is nothing to lose. If he/she does not stay put in one place, he/she can’t be dismissed either. If he/she rejects or abandons first, he/she can’t be rejected or abandoned and the Narcissist’s grandiosity lives on and on with someone new that they will jump to because they have a vast supply out there they have already engaged and waiting in the wings. They keep their legacy alive but jumping from relationship to relationship.
The Narcissist anticipates the inevitable destruction of every connection he/she makes with any other human being, because life with a Narcissist is purely an emotionlessness journey that is laced with pathological manipulation, dishonesty and ABUSE.
This is the basic conflict of the Narcissist. The two mechanisms the Narcissist employs to achieve supply are distorted and incompatible in reality. First the Narcissist must establish long term Narcissistic supply to feed their addiction or 24/7 supply that gives them continuous gratification and to conceal their darkness. Secondly the Narcissist can’t embark on any long-term or real relationship because that requires empathy and the ability to love. The Narcissist doesn’t possess any mechanism to love and only offers a reflection of love that is empty, void and fails every time. So the plan always fails because of the conflict that exists and we pay for it! BUT it doesn’t make it right by any means.
So the truth behind the ‘mask’ or ‘façade’ – it is all a compilation of manipulation and lies that the Narcissist uses to basically find and trick their Narcissistic Supply. But the reality is that he/she refuses to create or associate with any person in an emotionally meaningful way or BOND with them because the Narcissist does not have the internal mechanisms to do so. Basically the Narcissist cannot internalize through emotions of any kind so they go to the outside or look for external and shallow connections to make up for their deficit. Because the Narcissist lacks the basic skills required to make human connections they must COSTANTLY search and obtain his/her fix/drug or external supply EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE SUPPLY. The very people who are supposed to sustain the Narcissists grandiose fantasies through their adoration and attention will always be devalued and discover that they were merely objects and the Narcissist’s reality is full of betrayal, lies, and manipulation. They are just too repulsive and dangerous to interact with. This is the truth that becomes apparent when that mask slips and all of the lies and betrayal become too apparent to ignore anymore, but YOU will be the person blamed and punished horribly for trying to love them in a normal manner. It is very hard to accept this truth, but you must to achieve your own personal freedom and closure with them. No/Minimal contact to stop the chaos and crazy making. Greg
Let’s have a hard look at the truth that is standing directly in front of us – we were in a desperate and abusive relationship with a disordered and malignant NARCISSIST and we must move forward by discarding THEM now and forever!
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
The dynamics of a relationship with a Narcissist is built solely on the premise that you are ONLY an object to this distorted creature for as long as they want you to be OR until they have extorted everything they can from you, OR you uncover the truth about them. Unfortunately, you are coming from what you believe is a real relationship with them so you become blinded and desensitized to the day to day subtle manipulation and abuse. Love, commitment and growth are your goals, but slowly but surely your emotions and thoughts are eroded away until you lose the person you were for so many years. The Narcissist doesn’t change over time or stop the abuse and they will continue manipulating, devaluing and send you into a temporary insanity and then discard you – THIS IS ALWAYS THE CYCLE OF THIS ABUSE. They push and push you so that you react in ways that MAKE you out to be the ‘crazy one’ and then they use that against you to CRUSH your soul and control you as well as point it out to the world with a smear campaign to destroy your goodness and integrity. This is what they are, this was their distorted plan all the time and what they do. There is absolutely NOTHING you could have done to change any of this except to LEAVE them and remove yourself from this debilitating abuse.
This is a predator with an agenda to secure its prey, feed off of it or use it to satisfy their needs, devalue it, destroy it, and then move on to new hunting grounds to find another person to prey on. BUT they are so good at this game that few see through them until it is too late! Add to the fact that a Narcissist will destroy each of their target’s/victim’s integrity to cover their tracks by using the insanity they forced on you AGAINST you. The world is none the wiser to these criminals either. Try explaining your incredulous experience and journey with them through this relationship to someone and you have sealed your faith as being the ‘crazy one’ just like the Narcissist has described you to everyone and BEHIND your back. The Narcissist has everything covered as far as the abuse is concerned AND they are always ten steps ahead of you with their games to avoid exposure WITH support from other people they have conned into believing them as well.
Targets/victims that are abused MUST understand that the abuse doesn’t have anything to do with them and the actions of the Narcissist are not their fault. What you are feeling and reacting to is the many years of the brainwashing or manipulation (same thing.) You are NOT this person the Narcissist makes you believe you are, but instead a brainwashed individual that has had your dignity striped away from you by a highly disordered and destructive abuser. This is one of the hardest things to realize that there is absolutely nothing you could have done that would have any influence on changing this creature. Targets/victims of emotional/psychological abuse often think otherwise hoping they can fix things and only end up in this vortex of blaming themselves as being the defective one as well as the reason for the failing state of the relationship. When you remain in this pattern of thinking you ONLY enable the Narcissist to abuse you more. Again this is the Narcissist doing what they do so well, confusing you and using mind control to make you accept their disordered agenda. It is the only way these creatures could function in our world and that is through lies and manipulation, otherwise they would be in jail for what they really are.
Just some reality and the truth! With a Narcissist, you will give until you are emotionally, spiritually and physically bankrupt and receive little or nothing in return AND you will lose yourself completely. Just take a hard look at yourself today and then compare that with your state of being when you first met your Narcissistic partner. You are more than likely psychologically and emotionally worse off and feeling totally numb and a different person than you once were. You feel lost and alone in a world that you once love and welcomed into your life, but NOW you reject because of what this abuse has done to you. Narcissists are thieves and once they have taken all you have to give, you are history and they discard you and move on to new and plentiful supply.
PLEASE, please internalize that they waged a psychological war that had an agenda with you from day one! Narcissists are amoral and you CAN’T engage with them in any moral or conscience based issues and expect to achieve anything or better yet win. They fight dirty with lies and evading accountability and turn everything back around onto YOU. They DON’T love they abuse and extort. Narcissists have absolutely no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. They abide by no rules or laws. They aren’t REAL! There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their thoughtless and CRUEL approach to other people especially yourself. They feel COMPLETELY entitled in this world. If you are looking for revenge, then you will never achieve any satisfaction in that arena either. They don’t connect to your thoughts or words as they concern any opinion that you may have about them, nor do they care. You are an object and supply and it begins and ends there!
I believe that we must be open to loving and giving again after being abused and it will come back to us in the form of other good and welcoming people. We CAN’T let the abuse isolate us from the life we all deserve because that is paying a debt back for something we did NOT deserve. I still believe this even after I looked inward but I set new boundaries and dealt with what kept me locked up in the dance with this monster. I am not stupid or foolish, I was conned. I have learned my lessons and I walk through life with an open mind and open eyes. I will NEVER allow a person to diminish my spirt again. Nor will I allow anyone to bully me or anyone else for that matter. I am still the old Greg that I was, but I am a wiser Greg and a survivor of this hideous abuse. I can and do love – a Narcissist can’t and will NEVER love. I didn’t make a mistake, I was blinded by the manipulation to believe in what we all believe in and that is love. You MUST completely remove them from your heart, mind, soul and psyche to accomplish recovery and a complete freedom.
Now I know there are two types of love, the real thing AND a manipulative and destructive love. I choose real love! I do not hate my abuser but I am repulsed by them and will never acknowledge them as anything more than the truth of what they are and that is a highly disordered creature that has destroyed and extorted so many good people and is still abusing. This creature KNOWS what they are and my voice is too powerful so they cower in the shadows knowing all too well now that they picked the wrong person to abuse with their horrendous sick lies and perverted lifestyle – BUT they would abuse me again IF I allowed them any place in my life because NOTHING changes these creatures. Along with that we only abuse ourselves if we allow them a place in our mind after they are gone. Their lies will NOT work anymore if you take the power away from your abuser and empower yourself with the truth. A Narcissist is always looking over their shoulder because life is closing in all around these abusive creatures because they have abused and harmed MANY people but that is not our problem, nor should we concern ourselves with that or ANYTHING about them. Make this about loving yourself so much so that you choose the life you deserve because you ARE an amazing person. Desensitize those horrid and negative messages you were forced into believing so you CAN get to that place of goodness that belongs to you and is your birthright. You DESERVE love and to be loved so don’t pass a judgement on yourself forever that is based solely on the actions of a distorted Narcissist that ABUSED you, your love and your life.
Go no/minimal contact and stay as far away from them as physically possible. Add to this that you must also train yourself to distance yourself as far away EMOTIONALLY as possible too! SERIOUSLY know that they never loved you nor could they love you because they are void of emotion! They are personality disordered and you cannot fix this but you can fix and repair yourself. This means that you DON’T trespass in their abode or hunting grounds, and don’t peek at their online social sites. Also, don’t ever get into conversations, phone calls or texts thinking that they are missing you and softening in their approach to you, they are only attempting to gain more information to use against you. Remember they were very adept at abusing you and putting you in that place of despair that you are presently in and they still have those skills to do even more damage. You have put your best foot forward or probably both feet and every other thing you could put forward ONLY to end up where you are now and FREE of them – but very vulnerable, exhausted, feeling worthless, full of anxiety and so much more. They don’t change overnight or EVER for that matter. Remember that you cannot fight and expect to win on their turf because it is disordered, delusional and abusive. That is not what you or I are about, nor will we ever be able to wrap our heads around a Narcissist’s dark and destructive lifestyle. We are people of empathy, integrity, respectful, and loving – and we must embrace this and protect ourselves by moving on and away from them. The truth ALWAYS comes out in the end! No/minimal contact. Greg
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
I am going to try to get into the head of the Narcissist in order for you to see the distorted reality of what is REALLY going on in there. It is always dangerous and against our best interests to attempt to understand their darkness – so remember to heed my advice and never try to do it.
Narcissists ALWAYS tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions. In turn they will accuse and blame others to divert attention away from themselves and the truth. A Narcissist will refuse to accept the perspective of any human being but they will irrationally defend their own distorted/delusional position and lies as well as force you into accepting them as reality and the end result is that you discard or dump YOUR normal and healthy reality. Narcissists always make people feel that they HAVE to please them.
They cunningly access and withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing because it gives them the ability to control and manipulate future events. A Narcissist will slowly but surely erode their target/victims reality, self-esteem and spirit! Narcissists completely avoid and NEVER acknowledge the feelings of others, yet they will often bring up how their emotions are being effected and how WE don’t respect or honor their needs. They are eternal victims and NOTHING you do is worthy of meeting their needs. “We JUST don’t love them enough,” OR SO THEY TELL US!
They will slight a target/victim or perhaps make them accept digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the Narcissist to say they were just kidding while still being abusive and hurting the target/victim.
Narcissists will completely change the subject to divert attention back onto themselves. You could be talking to them about a serious matter and it will be dismissed in moments so the Narcissist has all the attention right back where they feel it belongs – ON THEM. Or they will BULLY you with shouting, dismiss you, and walk away. You never feel that anything about you is important enough for consideration by the Narcissist and you are right!
Narcissists make others feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the miserable level of the Narcissist. They always threaten or hint of some form of punishment that they will inflict if YOU don’t do exactly what they are asking, or accept what they are saying. THEN of course they will reinforce this with blame as if you did something that deserves their actions and disdain. They will dismiss you completely and silence you. YOU CAN NEVER MEET ANY OF THEIR EXPECTATIONS!
They will be cold, quiet, and distant, then deny that anything is wrong, but it feels as if they ARE angry. But you can’t access what it is so you will have no sense of what is going on to help you feel at ease with them. On the flip side, there will be inappropriate emotional outbursts to also distract attention, confusing their targets/victims and shifting blame for something you AGAIN have no real sense of. You are ALWAYS left feeling like you are walking on those infamous eggshells with them or always confused and feeling conflicted as to a cohesive reality with them!
Narcissists ALWAYS try to control others to domineer and limit freedom of expression/speech or individuality. Again, controlling the environment around them with confusion, chaos, bullying and negativity. They are ALWAYS instilling fear or retaliatory punishment for anyone that doesn’t comply with their EVERY wish. They will also deny you ANY success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling you out or basically placing you in the category of a loser and not worthy of proper recognition. Their word is the FINAL word always! A target/victim could have accomplished something so worthy of recognition and the Narcissist will never respond with a supportive word or a congratulation, instead they will minimalize the entire accomplishment OR even find fault in it. They will put a handle on any positive situation to make you doubt your achievement of success. They continually manage people DOWN! You lose your reality with them
Narcissists always forget commitments and promises purposely because there was nothing real behind their words in the first place – just more of their manipulation to keep you believing. They will even deny that they promised to do something to try to make you believe you are imagining things.
Narcissists will take advantage of any vulnerability using shame, guilt, and fear to make a target feel worthless by highlighting simple insecurities they may have. This could even be done in a manner where the Narcissist will make fun of the target/victim’s physical attributes in a cruel overt manner.
A Narcissist’s actions, promises or reality in every situation are totally out of alignment. They ALWAYS say one thing and do another. For example, they preach morality BUT they have no morals and act on their impulses regularly. They may PRETEND to follow a religious doctrine and praise themselves for religious values but actually possess NONE of these values whatsoever. In actuality they ARE the very sinners that they are denouncing, preaching about, and pointing fingers at. The Narcissist I dealt with was/is infamous for this!
Narcissist are only nice when all other options have been removed or when they feel they are trapped into a corner or up against a wall. This is usually when the truth is so evident that they have no other option available to them. There is no remorse to what they have done, they are just trying to wriggle out of being totally exposed for what they have done AND what they are. They also want to keep you trapped in the abuse so they can keep extorting what they can or achieving supply with their insincere apology and patronizing gestures. In time they will replace you once you have actually caught onto their lies and agenda, BUT of course you are to BLAME for their actions! You are the disordered one and you have abused THEM and they are “running for their lives” (a favorite and OVER used quote of my Narcissist.) That is really a distorted lie and excuse that they have moved onto a new source, but they are going to keep you locked up in confusion, lies, and abuse surrounding their departure for as long as they can. They will actually PULL you back into the abuse making you think that there is a possibility of reconciliation. It is just a way for them to achieve more chaos to disable you as much as they can as well as implicate you as being obsessed when THEY are the ones that initiate contact to use against you. Keeping you vulnerable also keeps their abuse hidden from the world.
When they are having a conversation, be it one on one or even in a group setting, they will completely cut someone off as if they are not allowed to speak. Narcissists suppress self-expression and individuality to support their omnipotence and power over others by controlling everyone in their world. Basically they eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves to feel superior and omnipotent! It shores up their false identity and makes them feel so worthy when it is all based on lies and distortion, BUT THEY JUST DON’T SEE IT AS THIS! They are delusional and self-affirming to support their needy needs.
Narcissist will ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses. They push everyone’s buttons. They will even go as far as humiliating people in public situations to show their superiority. They are psycho bullies. By pushing buttons and highlighting a person’s sensitivity they gain power and evoke fear in the target/victim of choice. They ACTIVATE a person’s insecurities to gain power and superiority over them.
Through their vast arsenal of tools to manipulate a Narcissist will pretend to understand a person’s concerns, but then they will blatantly break every boundary and step all over those concerns and basically violate them and you! If they CAN’T control a person they will slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of this person. Narcissists RUIN people’s lives.
Narcissists will always attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They won’t believe they make mistakes and they have no ability to feel or process or truly understand shame.
ALWAYS remember that lies and deceit are a natural part of the narcissist’s world. The old saying, “the best liars lie to themselves first” really applies to Narcissists as well as “the lie often repeated is far more convincing” and they repeat their lies many times over! A Narcissist has the amazing ability to believe their own lies even when they fly in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. You HAVE to take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. A friend of mine always said to me “if they are breathing they are lying” and it is the truth!
LASTLY! Don’t allow yourself to ride on this emotional roller coaster through hell because it is never ending! So then heed this warning and live by it – once you leave OR are out of the relationship the Narcissist doesn’t need you anymore and its more than likely (pretty much a guarantee) you were emotionally and physically replaced long before the separation or discard AND they are out to destroy your integrity AND you to avoid exposure.
Everything I outlined here is taken directly from my experience with the Narcissist I knew. Unfortunately, I was blinded by the manipulation, constant lies, and brainwashing, but NEVER again. I ‘believed’ and never saw the train wreck in front of me. Was I a damaged person? No not in the normal reality of the behavioral sciences as in having a mental illness or a personality disorder but I became the byproduct of the disabling abuse by being in the company of a highly dysfunctional and disordered person. I have insecurities, I have wounds, I may trust a little too much, I get angry, etc. – BUT, I am a good person that respects people. I give and love unconditionally and I know when enough is enough. I get hurt but I don’t destroy and punish people because of this, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and ALLOW them the opportunity to talk and work through things. THAT is having empathy, that is creating a viable relationship with give and take, that is being unconditional and trying to give the benefit of the doubt to a person you care about – that is giving of yourself and this is what bonding SHOULD be with another person – unfortunately with a Narcissist it is all TAKE and no give! This is the IMPORTANT lesson we must take from the abuse – WE ARE THE NORMAL AND AMAZING PERSON HERE that was severely manipulated and that has disabled much of our being, psyche, heart, mind, and soul. No/minimal contact. Greg
There is no “one” real person inside of the Narcissist that is fully functioning or normal but instead there are MANY made up facsimiles of people they imitate to cover up their dark reality to give them a superficial façade and the ability to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
There is no “one” real person inside of the Narcissist that is fully functioning or normal but instead there MANY made up facsimiles of people they imitate to cover up their dark reality to give them a superficial façade and the ability to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people. They are biologically human beings with needs, and they look like us and basically even act like us BUT they do not THINK like we do and eventually that façade fails them and us. Narcissists do not make internal connections to people or bond, so they can only respond to external stimulation or the supply they continually seek out so basically you are an object. So, you cannot try to relate to them or understand them through the real empathy and unconditional love or reasoning that apply to normal people. They are NOT like you or I so you cannot relate to them as if they are!
Seems complicated so how do they do it? When they meet you they will carefully access so many parts of your life and morph right into you as if they are your twin – and WOW you have so much in common. SO, it naturally follows that there is no proper internal mechanism that exists or functions as it relates to a Narcissist having a normal and functioning ‘personality’ that can relate in a healthy manner with the outside world and the people in it. The reality that seems to exist (and I am very loosely using that word reality) is a thin veneer or skin that is like a mask or costume they CREATE and wear that corresponds with their needs at any given moment – and their needs are many! Their façade is very interchangeable as well, so it completely fools the rest of the world and protects the Narcissist from being EXPOSED as dark, envious, and loathsome person that they are.
You have probably heard this many times and I will repeat it once more – they are like a chameleon that is able to change the color of its skin to match its environment and they are amazingly adept at this. The Narcissist disengages or detaches from their dark inner self and recreates an image to wear for the public or their immediate world. This image is constantly projected to essentially allow themselves to ‘fit in.” Of course, it is a good and likeable image that is very interchangeable AND even described as very charming but remember it was designed to camouflage themselves – and there you have it a different person for every different ‘need’. Personally, I would describe them as seductive because in reality they con artists that are after something they need. That ‘need’ is usually to trick their targets and use them as ‘Narcissistic Supply’ and just a major component of their survival. Basically, their functioning image is the biggest lie that this extortionist uses in their arsenal of deceit or ABUSE. Or as my friend said ‘compartmentalization’ – they compartmentalize us to fit the many different and exacting needs they have for each of us. Remember Narcissists are in every facet of life – be it a family member, a friend, a co-worker, perhaps a priest or preacher, attorney, doctor, next door neighbor, etc. Also, remember that supply isn’t just limited to romantic relationships – if you have something they need or want, or they can better their social status by being in your company, or benefit by an association with you, they will be right there at your side getting whatever they are after. Once it is gotten they are gone and if you ever tried to make them accountable – YOU are gone as well.
So, there is no real person there just a needy void looking for surrogate to supply them what they cannot achieve on their own – or you and I – now that is pretty messed up! The relationship with yourself, or the one that requires a conscience, morals, empathy, a soul, etc., is a pretty important relationship to be lacking COMPLETELY, and pretty much a requirement or prerequisite to being a functioning human being and living life NORMALLY as well as interacting with others. If you don’t relate to your own self or your life in a healthy matter, how can you relate to anyone else in a ‘healthy manner OR any manner for that matter?’ JUST MY POINT – a Narcissist lacks the mechanisms needed to be a ‘fully functioning human being’ so they invent what they need as they go along in life and we play along or join in unknowingly with their toxic and destructive game while they run off with all the goods. Basically, EVERYONE is here to supply them OR fulfill their every need, be it financially as in a career, sexually to fulfill their physical needs, familial so ‘they’ have a proper ‘face’ to appear ‘normal, moral and ethical’, friends to help them shore up their façade and believe their ‘lies’, or whatever they can harvest and use from people to fill in the huge VOID that they are. None of us serve anything more OR are more than a “bit part” in the Narcissist deranged and disordered life. We function to serve a specified need the Narcissist has at a specific time, AND they have multiple relationships going on to secure all the supply they can get – but we are none the wiser!
A Narcissist lacks all social skills/graces in the most extreme ways because underneath their ‘seductive’ façade, they don’t honor any human rights, respect individuality, or obey any written law. They live life in an extremely pathological and abusive manner. They imitate a functioning human being and take everything they want and need through some extreme and manipulative methods. They also get bored easily with their conquests SINCE they lack the mechanisms to form healthy bonds (and decisions), so they STRAY very easily to keep the excitement and adulation flowing in their world. Now it is bad enough they are life’s extortionist but they also seem to envy and loathe all healthy loving people that would dare express their individuality, question them or demand accountability, so they lose their patience with us quickly and psychologically attack our minds in an effort to destroy our life as we know it – and if that doesn’t succeed they will just smear our integrity behind our backs. Remember they are also very protective with their big secret or lie about themselves – so if you catch on they are ready and loaded with an attack on your integrity that can literally destroy your life. Hmmmm, seems like they are very aware of what they are doing to always have a counteroffensive ready.
Like any other bully, you have to disengage from the Narcissist COMPLETELY because if you don’t they will only attack you in unimaginable ways to destroy your COMPLETE integrity as well as your life. They have to win the battle they have with life, people and essentially the WHOLE world! You will ‘seemingly’ end up being the crazy one and the abuser because they will make you out to be everything bad/wrong just like a psycho bully would react to remove any blame from themselves and pass it onto you, basically their back-stabbing and smear campaign. Not a very pretty package at all. Just always remember, you haven’t done ANYTHING wrong to deserve this because they don’t function like other human beings. They don’t even have a clue what liking, caring or LOVING is so they live without it by pretending they know it, but you CAN’T pretend to love especially when you have no morals and it catches up with the Narcissist very quickly because they are so ‘out of control’ and careless.
Narcissists relate to other human beings as objects. You know objects, the things to use and ab-use for self-serving purposes. Things that have no rights, things that are inanimate, things that have no feelings. Perhaps a good example would be like a tool that performs a certain function, and we are just one of MANY of these “tools” that they USE.
So where did that ‘love’ go? Until the fact sinks in that the time they spent with us or anybody is never a ‘relationship’, but instead more of a pathological parasite feeding off of you/us, you just won’t “get” malignant Narcissism. You will keep acting on the premise that the Narcissist has some feelings JUST for you, or some sort of conscience, morals, ‘cares for’ or even loves you – and that premise couldn’t be further from the truth. It NEVER makes sense to you, so you keep blaming yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to do as if everything is your fault. You are always wondering whether it is you, or it is YOU that has temporarily lost your ability to relate NORMALLY in your relationship, or better yet you are crazy like your Narcissist is telling you. NO, it is the Narcissist that is literally the ‘crazy one’ or clinically has the ‘personality disorder’. Well it is classified as a personality disorder but still in all it is CRAZY behavior or better yet dehumanizing, demeaning, debasing, and destructive, AND psychologically abusive to anyone that has any sort of connection with them. Control is power to an abuser so whether you are attacked physically with a fist or attacked mentally with hideous, destructive and manipulating words, it is abuse from a disordered person, one that is not a fully functioning human being that lacks total empathy and love for their fellow man/womankind. You don’t intentionally CONTROL, harm, hurt, or destroy any creature on this planet for ANY REASON and these monsters do it every waking moment of their lives. Knowledge is power so educating yourself to completely understand this abuse is the first step to getting your healthy mind back and starting out on your road to recovery – well that and no/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
The truth is a lie and the lie is the truth. Narcissists are MASTERS at putting a spin on the truth, using extreme manipulation, and playing mind games to get what they want from people and life. This is who and what they are.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Narcissists are masters at putting a spin on the truth, using extreme manipulation, and playing mind games to get what they want. They play to win and get the rewards from the investment they put into scamming a new person, then it is a matter of functionality and survival in their world to avoid detection of who and what they really are so they destroy all the evidence or basically the person they abused! That in itself says a lot because they obviously know what they do is WRONG! They are VERY poor losers and if they don’t completely win they will react in a fit of rage and terrorize the person they are already victimizing. The only way for any person to win is to not play in any of their games once you realize the truth of how disordered and dangerous they are. Unfortunately, they don’t play fair in the first place and they trick you in and drag you into their delusional game!
Everyone to the Narcissist is in reality their opponent, UNFORTUNATELY nobody realizes that they are playing a game with the Narcissist and that is where the Narcissist gains the advantage or has the upper hand! The Narcissist is playing this game for themselves so they can deflect you from seeing the reality or avoiding the truth about what they really are – they DO NOT self-reflect, they self-DEFLECT. They do this with the expectation that they won’t have to take responsibility for their behavior. Narcissists do not take responsibility for their own actions instead they deflect by blaming, shaming, projection, denial, etc. You will do what you have always done-forgive the Narcissist, make excuses for the Narcissist’s behavior, claim the Narcissist couldn’t help themselves because of a bad day, or justifying their destructive behaviors through your empathy and love AND that will ultimately fail you completely.
You bend and bend until you almost snap in half when you try to give them the benefit of the doubt. It keeps you in a cycle that deflects away from their reality and distorts YOUR reality in turn and puts the burden onto and into you and becomes your new normal. You never have an opportunity to be an individual, nor see how they are actually pulling the wool over your eyes because they pile level upon level of confusion and diversion onto and into you. They are betraying every aspect of your life and you are too busy babysitting their every whim and trying to fix things once again. They know how to confound and confuse their targets/victims, as well as condition and manipulate them through their temper tantrums, managing them down, or punishing and silencing if you don’t play exactly the way they want you to! You HAVE to stop wanting to play the ‘game’ with them and eventually they WILL run away to find a new playmate and that is the miracle that will actually save your life.
The Narcissist is a master of FAKE emotions and empathy with a phony façade and life to match. They appear to take you in, care about you, understand everything you are experiencing, and they appear to genuinely put themselves in your shoes to understand “YOU” with acceptance and unconditional love. They observe and react with that resounding smile, approval, and unconditional care and love. All of this causes you to let your guard down and truly believe there is a genuine give-and-take in your relationship and a love that exists that is just for you. It is overwhelming to meet someone that is so much like you, so connected to your thoughts, and so reactive to meet your every need that you BELIEVE in them completely. BUT once they gain your trust they will pounce on you. They wait until you are perfectly comfortable with them and your guard is completely down or even perhaps having a low moment in your life and now the time has come to manage you down and to control you to manage the business at hand or secure the supply they came for.
What would you do if you were completely void of love and empathy, how would you interact in the normal world? Without emotions or the ability to bond you would have to control people to trap them into your defective world so you could essentially take what you need that you can’t accomplish on your own. Narcissists perfectly execute an emotional and psychological attack on their victim because their purpose is to wear you down, to humiliate you, and make you feel small and inferior and dependent on them OR again control. A Narcissist is not going to allow you to have feelings for YOURSELF and they are going to make you believe you are selfish and wrong for wanting ANY attention. There is no such thing as YOUR needs or individuality and they basically erase your personality bit by bit. They want what they want and they have invested their time to mold you into a viable source of supply. Narcissists do not tolerate individuality because people are objects for them to use as they see fit. There is nothing more here than their agenda coming to fruition and you have to understand that THIS IS ALL IT WAS. Predator after their prey using camouflage to hide the truth to trap you – or that façade and mask. The simple truth is that a person that cannot relate to emotions or empathy cannot relate to another human being in the smallest way.
A Narcissist ALWAYS loves to make you feel that YOU are crazy, especially if you try to confront them, make them accountable, bring up past issues or behaviors, or expose them when they are doing something appalling or lying. Basically YOU are told that you have an over active imagination, you don’t know what you are talking about, they have NO idea what you are talking about, or that you are simply making things up to cause problems. They’ll tell you that it is obvious that YOU are the one who is crazy (and tell you that everyone around you agrees with them about you being crazy). FURTHERMORE, they will claim not to remember any of these events, even flatly deny that they ever happened, and will NEVER accept the possibility that they might have forgotten. Your perceptions of normalcy and reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your own intuition, memory, processing your thoughts, or reasoning, AND constantly confused. The Narcissist is a master at spinning everything and deflecting to remain in control and keeping you vulnerable!
The Narcissist will up the game to include destroying your soul, your ego, your accomplishments and any belief system you have to completely manage you down to feeling worthless. The way the game is played is for them to try to turn everything about you and everything you do, into a complete failure. The Narcissist has the reasoning of a child – but they act out like a controlling, demanding, and demeaning parent (more so toxic). No matter what your real age, you are never allowed to reach a viable emotional age with them especially one that allows for your individuality or growth with them. You will always be treated like a stupid child, a bad child, a silly child, etc., and you will always be reprimanded and put in your place to honor them completely and NEVER question them! Consistent managing down is what all of this amounts to!
Everything with a Narcissist is competitive and every life situation is a competition that requires “one-upmanship”, to beat their opponent. It always involves a “payoff” for the Narcissist that is ALWAYS about them getting something or extorting everything they can and devaluing and hurting you somehow too. They feel superior within their ability to con, control, and destroy. Again their delusional world is like a battleground with them against us because everybody and everything is a threat – be it real or perceived. They keep track of real AND imaginary things you do, have done, or might do. It is a reactionary relationship with them BUT you are the one that always has to explain your every word and action to them and made accountable when you are not serving their every whim and need!
Lastly what supports their lies is complete DENIAL. It is important to recognize that the Narcissist will never acknowledge that any games are being played AND the important point here is that it is up to YOU to stop playing. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to fix them, the situation or heal them! You will always be told you are wrong, they are right, and that you are in need of some serious help. You can’t get them to acknowledge or take responsibility for their words or actions because they will always say they didn’t do it or it never happened. They have to or else face real accountability and retribution for their actions and then their gig would be up, so they deflect with more lies, more manipulation, and punishing, silencing and abusing you! They will destroy you completely to avoid exposure.
The main point here is that what I described is a Narcissist and how they abuse. They are not fully functioning human beings. They do not connect on ANY level with human beings except to use them as supply. We can describe this as a superficial relationship, but it goes far beyond superficial because it is a toxic and destructive relationship that will completely drain you and disable you and your belief system. Your responsibility is to get your ‘ah ha’ moment and understand that they are the defective ones that emotionally and psychologically inflicted some deep wounds that have severely affected your psyche. BUT that is where you start on your road to recovery. There is another type of healing that involves your personal emotional wounds that the Narcissist sourced out and used against you. Healing involves you and only you closing all of those wounds permanently through your personal journey or recovery!
Whatever that Narcissist has said to you that has deeply hurt you or wounded you is NOT a real observation, it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you and define you. They were so supportive in the beginning, but that was also to gain your trust and the knowledge of your weaknesses to use against you. You opened up your amazing heart along with all of your wounds and gave them the opportunity to find any and all of your weaknesses AND they were looking for them. They DO NOT have the ability to understand pain, sorrow, being vulnerable or apply empathy – they only want access to your weaknesses to use them against you or to CONTROL you. This is what we have to heal within us or those weaknesses that they have constantly pointed out because they are real and within us and now they have made them come to the surface so much so that we lost our worth and trusting our own reality. They are master game players and used their keen perception to always be on top of their game. They took these weaknesses and embellished them to even make you think you were mentally ill and even fear yourself and your way of thinking. It is a very sick game that these Narcissists play, BUT it is a game that requires other players and you have to totally opt out of participating! They will attack you at any and every level they can, even making fun of you physically and they can be VERY cruel! You will ask why and how can they do this – well again because they have no empathy, no care, no connection, no bond, no morals, and no love for any other human being or they are personality disorder AND they were after something – that is your complete answer. Please internalize and KNOW this! ALSO, please understand that you still ARE that amazing person and this was situational or abuse and you will recover with knowledge, education and support. No/minimal contact to start out on your journey to recovery! Greg
There is no reality with any relationship with a Narcissist because there is no REAL with a Narcissist – BUT there is a destructive and manipulative creature that can and will debilitate your heart and mind!
MANY targets/victims of this abuse are unaware that they have been living in what can only be compared to as an active battle zone. Most are unaware what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is or that it is a highly effective abuse from a predator. Victims of Narcissistic abuse over time will display symptoms of trauma, avoidance behavior, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or eating difficulties, irritability, hyper-vigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness, psychosomatic illnesses, self-harming, and even thoughts of suicide. Targets/victims express deep seeded feelings of worthlessness, humiliation, shame, and self-blame. They have been conditioned to take responsibility for the Narcissist’s despicable behavior because they are constantly told they are the source of every problem, worthless and everything is their fault but yet they STILL support, defend, and love the abuser despite what they have gone through.
It ALMOST seems like an addiction or dependency because the abuse creates a toxic and unhealthy environment which in turn creates an unhealthy mind for the target/victim. The psychological abuse is what creates this pattern of ‘Narcissist pleasing’ or ‘walking on eggshells’. Basically, the target/victim becomes dependent on the Narcissist for validation AND the reason behind this is that the silent threat of abuse is always present with the debasing and dehumanizing and it is just too painful for the target/victim AND an automatic coping mechanism against the fear of loss, retribution, overwhelming stress, and the overwhelming pain. Victims avoid the pain because it is so deeply engrained in them and that it is all a target/victim knows from the daily emotional abuse, so like the addict they look for relief, a fix, or the hope that things could turn back to the way they were – unfortunately nothing will ever change and victims COPE or tend to justify many of the problems and basically blame themselves over and over again. It never gets better and the abuse only escalates over time and a new layer is consistently added until the victim is overwhelmed with the many unreconciled layers of this abuse and it BECOMES the victim’s new normal. That love the victim believed in AND trying to reignite or fix was just a mirage that they believed was real, and the Narcissist focused on making them believe as if THEY were a real participant in the relationship – BUT it was a huge CON and just want con artists do. Unfortunately, the Narcissist used a strong emotion (love) to gain our trust and then gain entry into our heart, mind, and life. It is a sadistic betrayal of a person’s emotions and psychological well-being!
This abuse is NOT limited to ‘love’ relationships only. Narcissists can be family members like a mother/father, brother/sister, boss/co-worker, friend/relative or anyone for that matter. Targets/victims are often victimized by more than one person as well because they have only learned or known this dehumanizing abuse for a very long period or all of their lives if they are a child of a Narcissistic parent. They internalize an abusive message that there is something is wrong with them and that they deserve this kind of abuse, and then resign themselves to their fate – they NEVER know real or normal love. Targets/victims may not reach their potential in their personal or professional lives because they always have to stand in the shadow of their abuser(s) – and that is all they have ever known in the case of Narcissistic parents. They learn to live in the shadows without knowing why – and that why was born out of the debasing control from abuse at the hands of a Narcissist.
Victims of Narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something. Their confidence becomes so low that they have trouble making simple decisions, questioning and re-questioning things. This is a result from the emotional and psychological abuse used by Narcissists to erode their self-esteem, instill confusion and anxiety in their victim to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. This is skillfully guided by the Narcissist and it clouds reality with leading statements like “I never said that”, “You are crazy”, or “you are imagining things.” The Narcissist will even step up the game by reinforcing these statements by backing them up with statements from friends, co-workers, or relatives that agree and ARE very concerned about the target/victim.
Gradually, the target/victim will NOT trust their own perceptions and doubt themselves completely. This more than often also induces depression and anxiety – two separate issues that will have to be dealt with as well as the ‘other’ consequences of this hideous abuse. The target/victim is totally broken and unable to trust their own perceptions in life (the ones we take for granted as just knowing what to do in life, etc.,) so they isolate themselves because life is just too confusing and they fear it. The victim now doubts everything about themselves, their thoughts and opinions, their ideas and ideals. Ask yourself here and now if you are experiencing this, maybe it is a feeling of hopelessness, fear, confusion, or just an abnormal sense of life, one where you feel very alone and without a real objective to change or fix this by moving on. Targets/victims will become co-dependent on the abuser for their reality and the Narcissist loves this because that is their goal – TOTAL CONTROL of your thoughts and actions and they are at the steering wheel driving this abuse full forward. Who does this but a highly-disordered human being with a dark agenda? Who could take, steal away or destroy any portion of another person’s life for any reason yet alone the agenda of a highly-disordered Narcissist that is basically driven by their own hate AND an extortionist as well that wants everything they can take from another human being.
No relationship ever ends in such a shroud of hate and destruction as one that ends with a Narcissist. They annihilate every aspect of the relationship, the person, their life, their family, their friends AND basically everything in a manner to completely disable you/us. Every action and word that comes from a Narcissist is a bizarre attack on your personal reality. It takes you from the goodness and normality that you have had all of your life to a dark place where you now have feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness because EVERYTHING you do is wrong and you are basically worthless. Even after separation from a Narcissist, the abuse lives on because like a poison it has entered into every cell in your body and in the case of a Narcissistic abuse the poison destroys the mind and reality of their target/victim!
OK – YOU CAN BEAT THIS! You have the ability to unlearn what the Narcissist has conditioned you into believing about yourself and purge the many negative messages out of your mind. That old saying “A horse can be led to water but they can’t be made to drink it” – well let’s change that a little bit and say “A horse can be led to water and taste it, drink it and swallow it – BUT it can stop drinking it, walk completely away from it and not only find a better watering hole BUT greener pastures and other fully functioning horses.” You have to do this so that you aren’t stuck in a fog of lies that will only guide your life in a negative and destructive direction. What the Narcissist has internalized in you can be EXTERNALIZED and thrown away. Move yourself away from any level of this abuse by knowing that you and only you can change and find normality and the reality of a better life again. Say no to the Narcissist, say no to the messages in your head that say you are not worthy, SAY NO TO THE ABUSE. Those negative words and debasing actions are only a curse/spell that the Narcissist casts out on the world and it can’t stick if the Narcissist doesn’t have you under his/her spell. Once you have the education that enables you to see the very truth about this abusive Narcissist, you can remove yourself and break the spell. You have the power to govern your own will and what you will do with your life. You have to take all of that power AWAY from the Narcissist and give it back to yourself. Yes of course no-contact – but when you have to have minimal contact use the truth to really see the evil that is standing in front of you and disengage in your mind from any thought, words or actions they send your way because they are like bullets from a gun and meant to harm! You are a resilient and amazing human being with a free will and you can and WILL heal from this abuse – BELIEVE in YOURSELF again! Greg
Narcissists blame and project – it is always YOUR fault no matter what. You didn’t even do anything but somehow there is and argument that came out of the blue.
Narcissists blame and project – It is YOUR fault always no matter what, and you DIDN’T even do anything but somehow there is an argument that came out of the blue.
Narcissists simply bait you with an array of conversations in an effort to constantly manage you down and keep you confused. Just with a normal conversation it almost seems like they are testing you or even mocking you. They are gauging your reactions to see just how far they can push you to get a chaotic reaction. They want you to react emotionally and after they bait you to get a reaction they will tell YOU to calm down, or say you are overreacting and make you internalize their disappointment with you. They want the upper hand always to feel in control so the whole point of this is to get you unhinged and they can and will get down and dirty to achieve this. Conversations are always a competition with them just like everything else with a Narcissist. Think of it like this, it is like the Narcissist purposely punches you in the face and then gets angry at YOU for reacting to that punch!
They will use actions as well to drive their point home with you. Suddenly they are not paying attention to you, or they are very eager to get you off of the phone. They will cancel a plan or just disappear without an explanation – basically isolating you and silencing you for no apparent reason. This sucks you RIGHT BACK IN and when they return you calmly confront their actions and receive a resounding “I’m SICK of always arguing with you – WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??” Well you never started an argument in the first place, you were only reacting in a manner to create some sort of cohesive understanding AND peace, but the Narcissist hones in on your confusion (and reactions) and labels them as arguments. They have successfully manipulated you right into their game to make you believe that YOU are to blame and a defective person. They will more than likely verbalize this to you as well!
So how do they do this? Let’s use the example that they cheated on you or they are just being cruel to you. They won’t directly address the truth or reality of the situation but instead they will bring up something totally unrelated from the past that YOU have done wrong. It is sort of like a comparison to divert from their actions and basically justify what they have done. It is their way of keeping score, but they are always the winners because they are the scorekeeper. Perhaps you sincerely admitted to something you had done wrong in your past and you shared it. They will hold you hostage to this and accountable to whatever it was YOU did (even if it didn’t concern them) and then whatever they did really isn’t all that bad compared to your actions. So don’t you even DARE to hold them accountable or complain about what they did because they are going to bring up your indiscretion(s) from the past! This is not normal resolution this is deceptive manipulation on their part to shore up their lies and actions and a Narcissistic DIVERSION.
Again all of this is done in an effort to put YOU on the defensive to avert all responsibility and accountability. In any situation where they are threatened by exposure of the reality of what they are the Narcissist has to SHAME you in a manner to stay in control. They have no shame for their actions though and I mean NONE whatsoever. They only transfer their defective qualities onto and into you and basically create strong labels that they attach to you that justify WHY they do what they do. This is really projection. They are transferring their own flaws onto you as well as seeking a reaction that basically confuses or confounds you to drive the point home. They HAVE to respond because they can’t just sit there and allow what they feel are blatant attacks ON THEM because they do NO WRONG! They HAVE to force you into submission so you internalize their attacks as reality of who YOU are. You are not any of this – AGAIN this is part of their extreme manipulation techniques – and one of many!
If you were able to pull yourself out of the confusion when they are doing this you would clearly see that their reactions are so delusional and a huge defense mechanism to hide the very truth from themselves and everybody else. Educating ourselves about the truth of what a Narcissist is AND does is one of the most important aspects of recovery. It is the bridge that takes us to recovery. To heal we must understand, we must expel everything that we internalized from the manipulative Narcissist and their abuse. We have to realize that these are non-functioning individuals that are predators. There NEVER was a relationship with them, there NEVER will be a relationship with them, AND they are NOT capable of having a REAL relationship with anyone!
Along the same lines they do not change after we depart from them. The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure as well UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation. They probably ran off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day so let them be where they are. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation – NO they will only manipulate you more and use more projection to always make YOU out to be the person at fault. They are securing new supply and you reached your expiration date. ANY attempt at a connection would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along. No/minimal contact to truly get the clarity you need to move forward! Greg
EVERYONE has an expiration date with a Narcissist and your replacement has been waiting in the wings!! A Narcissist does NOT move on to a healthy relationship – they just move over to another person to objectify and abuse.
With all of the extreme confusion that surrounded the departure of this abusive Narcissist from your life you were left with significant and distorted messages that put the heavy burden of the blame onto and into you and those messages are still living in your mind and heart! This is the same confusion that always surrounded every aspect of the relationship and has now has reemerged and turned into more denial of the real truth with the discard. This denial has planted itself firmly in your life and keeps you in a constant state of limbo in your mind and your heart. It is really a chaotic conflict that keeps cycling back and forth inside of you. Consequently, instead of confronting the reality (or truth) you keep turning to every other avenue to reach a closure that ISN’T based on reality and you BASICALLY reject that you were abused. You don’t really see that it was abuse because you were conditioned to see it as something about YOU that caused everything disparaging in this relationship. When a person is physically abused with a blackened eye for example, that singular action undeniably DEFINES it as abuse to you personally, as well as anyone that sees the damage. With psychological abuse, there is no one singular action that leaves an outward bruise. Sometimes you are not even aware of all the actions and words that are harming you. The bruises are on the inside as well as the many scars that build up. It makes it extremely difficult to express the damage that lives in your heart, soul and mind because they are so many there in every level of your life. So where do you start to reconcile?
This is basically conditioning as in being ‘brainwashed’ by a very manipulative, cunning, and disordered person AND a pro at it! That Narcissist wanted you to BELIEVE that they REALLY loved you at first, but when they REALLY got to know you in such a personal/loving manner then all of a sudden THEY realized that YOU really had all of these horrible issues and that YOU were REALLY defective and abusing them. REALLY? They have been sending this message to you subtly from the very first day they met you and then stepped it up with the devaluation and discard because that expiration date was inevitable. The Narcissist has been out there securing MORE supply probably the same day they met you! So look at the focus and where it was aimed – at your vulnerable loving heart and mind! Why doesn’t a Narcissist just take the goods and run when they are caught? Why do they have to play such harsh psychological games to harm people? Why do they have to destroy as much of you as they can? First because they are ONLY A FAÇADE and don’t have any real filters to control the real envy and loathing of life that resides inside of them and everything and everyone is a threat to their delicate world so they demean and malign ALL people that share any space with them. Secondly, so they can keep abusing new people and avoiding exposure by destroying the evidence or the last person they abused!
Simply put this is just part of the agenda that enables them to MOVE ON by blaming you (devaluing) and then discarding you! This is them getting away with their abuse and justifying it. This very astute con artist got everything they wanted with their big love scam and they needed to move on and find better supply because you just weren’t serving them and they got bored and went out looking for something better (they were always looking anyway)! There was never any real love! They were ALWAYS looking for more supply even when things were supposedly good. So, when you reached your ‘expiration date’ they were off to a new target/victim and unscathed because they had an alibi (blaming everything on you) like every criminal does and the dysfunctional people that believe them and support them! Their alibi enables them to avoid exposure by discrediting you completely! Job well done and the Narcissist is off and running. Don’t try to make them accountable because they will start a war with you that will literally drive the point home that if you play with them they will discredit you with words (LIES) that can damage you for a lifetime. This is their lifestyle, this is their disorder, this is always what they do, this is their pattern, this is abuse, and THIS IS A NARCISSIST!
It is virtually impossible to absorb such painful information AND the truth all at once. Your heart still yearns for what you were persuaded to believe during the ‘love bombing’ that this WAS somehow love! Your mind is still overwhelmed with the memories of the so called good times with the Narcissist – YET the truth about the infidelity, the constant lies and deception, the manipulation and the backstabbing, the constant breakups and returns can no longer be denied because the truth is staring at you in the eyes! You can’t undo the damage AND everything you have learned about the Narcissist. You can’t return to the point of original innocence and the total blindness. The ‘end result’ is this contradictory existence and a HUGE internal battle clinging to the denial or accepting the real truth. How many times did you do this in the relationship by returning to a day or two of fake happiness and then it was right back to the same old same old? This is the definition of cognitive dissonance!
Cognitive dissonance is this inner contradiction concerning the target/victim’s attitude towards their abuser (the Narcissist.) It is by far not logical or normal thinking, but more of a defense mechanism for coping with the extreme deception, domination, control and abuse. Targets/victims engage in cognitive dissonance, in an attempt to reconcile the contradictory actions, words and behavior of a toxic or disordered individual that has taken over our lives. Yes — taken over our lives and basically erasing our personality to disable us and makes us easy prey so they can get at their precious supply!
The denial takes on several different forms. First it can manifest itself as hanging onto the idealization (believing it WAS love) or still hanging onto the false hopes and beliefs from the trap that lured you in (the love bombing!) It can also shift in a manner that we do blame ourselves for what went wrong with the relationship or perhaps even shifting the blame to the person that the Narcissist was cheating with or the new supply (the ‘other’ man or woman) instead of holding the Narcissist accountable for their actions! It is by far easier to blame someone you’re not emotionally invested in than someone you love, particularly if you still cling to that person or relationship. Remember the ‘new supply’ is no part of this and they are being conned and psychologically abused as well. It is only a matter of time that the ‘new supply’ will be in this same place!
You are disabled by their HUGE con and not truly capable of accepting any part of the reality because of the constant brainwashing which now becomes your vulnerability in all of this! The TRUTH or reality of the situation that it was abuse becomes suppressed and surfaces as anxiety, depression, self-blaming, worthlessness, fear, and trauma AND from the VERY messages that were pounded into your head and now your heart by this person you invested your time and perhaps life into. Rather than confronting this reality, targets/victims entirely go into a place of denial like they were conditioned to do by their abuser. It is not that you are just that stupid or that much of a fool that you totally allowed this relationship to put you here. You were CONTINUALLY managed down by seamless manipulation slowly but surely and day by day until all of these scenarios became a way of life for you. Little by little you accepted your role with this Narcissist. Now little by little you must purge these negative messages out and replace them with the truth and positive messages about yourself! Introspection will become your next step in recovery once you actualize the real truth of your situation. You will look for your personal weaknesses and create new boundaries and a healthier lifestyle. That is when you will put the emphasis TOTALLY into yourself to move forward without any singular thought of this Narcissist. You will take the Narcissist’s power away from them by completely removing them from your life which in turn empowers YOU to gain the clarity and strength to heal from the damage that was caused by your association with them. Educating yourself and accepting the TRUTH that this was abuse will take the power completely away from the abuser. Moving forward AND completely away from this person gives YOU your power back and will lead you to more clarity, recovery and the healing you need. THIS is only accomplished by No/Minimal contact! Greg
The Narcissist’s world is all ‘make believe’ or a ‘pretend’ world to meet all of THEIR needs – even their love is ‘make believe!’ Yes – they make us believe everything BUT none of it is real!
Narcissists are very accomplished players at the game of deceiving and lying and they are good at it – they are master manipulators. Their complete persona and their entire world is totally based on lies. Their positive attributes and alleged actions are all made up in order to get other people to give them their fix of Narcissistic supply, or that praise, adulation, and accolades they crave. Their magnanimous but fake personality gives them an acceptable façade and place among good and normal people in life. They need that place to survive among us – but that dysfunctional creature still lives inside of them and so near to the surface of their façade and not only is it poisonous and toxic but destructive and disabling to people. In the end they will try to take you out once you catch on and try to make them accountable so they don’t lose their acceptable but FAKE place (façade) they created in life. They will just move on to the next situation, person, family, career, etc., and exhaust another person’s worth – this is what these critters do.
The point here is that they are not fully functioning human beings. They do not connect on ANY level with human beings except to use them as supply or objectify them to fulfill a certain need. We could describe this as a superficial relationship, but it goes far beyond superficial because it is a toxic and destructive relationship that will completely drain you, disable you and your belief system AND destroy your self-worth. Your responsibility is to get your ‘ah ha’ moment and understand that they are the defective ones that emotionally and psychologically inflicted some deep wounds that have severely affected your psyche. BUT that is where you start on your road to recovery. There is another type of healing that involves your personal wounds that the Narcissist sourced out and used against you. Healing involves you and only you closing all of those wounds permanently through healing!
It is important to recognize that the Narcissist will never acknowledge that any games are being played AND the important point here is that it is up to YOU to stop playing once you realize the truth. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to fix them, the situation, and help or heal them! You will always be told you are wrong, they are right, and that you are in need of some serious help. You can’t get them to acknowledge or take responsibility for their words or actions because they will always deny that they did or said anything or you overreacted OR whatever the situation was – it never happened. They have to respond in this manner or they would have to face real accountability and retribution for their actions!
Whatever that Narcissist has said to you or about you that has deeply hurt or wounded you is not a real observation either, it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them and they took advantage of them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you and define you. They were so supportive in the beginning, but that was just to gain your trust and the knowledge of your weaknesses to use against you. Because you trusted them, you opened up your heart along with all of your wounds and gave them the opportunity to find any and all of those weaknesses AND they were looking for them. They DO NOT have the ability to understand pain, sorrow, being vulnerable or apply empathy – they only want access to your weaknesses to use them against you and to CONTROL you.
It seems so odd that you have to read these words and apply them to your situation but you have known this or had intuition that something was very wrong – but now the truth is right there in front of you. This is what we have to heal within us the betrayal of those weaknesses that they exploited by constantly pointing them out to us as well as the rest of the negative messages they forced into our heart and mind. Because our personal weaknesses were real and within us the Narcissist made them come to the surface so much so that we now believe that we are worthless and defined by those very weaknesses – we even lost trust in our own reality. They are master game players and used their keen perception to always be on top of their game. They took these weaknesses and embellished them to even make you think you were mentally ill and you even fear yourself and your way of thinking. It is a very sick game that these Narcissists play, BUT it is a game that requires other players and you have to totally opt out of participating! They will attack you at any and every level they can, even making fun of you physically and they can be VERY cruel! Unfortunately, you question WHY they would do this when you only offered them unconditional love.
This is what I took away from this. The abuse and the Narcissist were there in reality but the Narcissist can be described as one of the ‘walking dead’ fictional television characters that needs to feed off of the living. The abuse made me realize that I had inner wounds that could disable me especially if a monster like this was allowed access to them. When that monster got in there my wounds became the very ammunition this Narcissist magnified and used against me. If we do not desensitize this damage from the narcissist that connected us to our own weaknesses we will forever feel weak, worthless and traumatized. Recovery requires that introspection to find these wounds and weaknesses that we have been carrying around with us and to deal with them in a manner to diminish them completely. But by this monster accessing my weaknesses I also was able to access them too and see how they could work against me and work on them and heal my personal wounds. Those wounds were MINE, the Narcissist sought them out used them against me by embellishing them to make me believe that I was completely damaged.
Next, we have to get past why another human being would intentionally hurt and destroy us like this. A Narcissist has neither love, empathy, nor compassion – they have an agenda and a plan to use, objectify, and extort people through the their personal weaknesses. The Narcissist is so completely damaged that they are far more fragile than we realize, but they beat us to the game or the truth by attacking our vulnerabilities and diverting us away from the truth of who and what they are. They need our energy and everything else they can take away from us and THAT is why they are with us. There is no empathy or compassion within them – just their needs, their agenda to get what they need, and controlling us until they have gotten what they came for. The rest is just their real nature and how they envy, loathe, and harm people’s lives because they can’t keep that creature inside of them contained. All of that is very hard for us to wrap our head around because it seemed so real to us – but that is where the word abuse and Narcissist come into play and define the reality of this person we cared, liked or evn loved.
We have to accomplish some basic steps in a specific order to get to a complete recovery that starts with healing from the effects of the abuse and purging all the negative messages from the Narcissist out of our mind. That is getting your ‘ah ha’ moment that this was abuse. That can be a very tangled mess to deal with because the reality that you loved your abuser also means that you have to deal with those emotions as well and falling out of love. Clarity is gained through knowledge and education about this abuse and that is what will empower you and wake you up from this nightmare.
The abuse is NOT your fault nor are you weak because no matter what you are here today because you were strong enough to defeat the source of the abuse by allowing yourself to move forward and that is a strong message that you ARE a survivor. Even if you were discarded that is because you were too strong for this Narcissist and they could no longer control you. You have the wounds from the battle but those will mend as long as your realize that this Narcissist is an enemy and not a lover.
You will be ANGRY but that is just normal/healthy because your life and love were completely extorted by this Narcissist. LET THAT ANGER COME OUT and acknowledge the truth that you WERE ABUSED. Next after you have healed the wounds from the abuse it is time to concentrate on what may need healing at a deeper level. The extreme betrayal from this Narcissist has destroyed your belief system and that is traumatizing so we are fearful of life in general and reliving this trauma. The trauma can manifest itself as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and recovering may require specialized help from a therapist. BUT get all the help that is available to you.
Lastly you must look inward at those personal insecurities and wounds and shore them up. Normally everyone has personal wounds from life and they even comprise what makes us who we are, but some of them need to be tweaked so that we have healthy boundaries that do not allow us to react in a manner that we self-destruct when a toxic person crosses our path. This does not happen overnight, but it is so necessary to heal ourselves completely. Lastly reach out again to the world with a healthy perspective that there is goodness out there. Isolating yourself from the world tells you that there is more healing that needs done because the world didn’t do this, a Narcissist did. Get that Narcissist out of your life and mind COMPLETELY. Never look back because nothing changes with them except for new lies and a new person to abuse. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
When you have a relationship with a Narcissist you will ALWAYS be admonished, silenced, punished and BLAMED.
Being a victim of Narcissistic abuse is a severely traumatic life experience that you are dealing with by yourself. If the perpetrator is a person you loved, admired, or looked up to as a role model, or a wife, husband, parent, guardian, friend, relative, etc., you don’t understand the reality because most of the time you loved the person, trusted them and believed in them. You went the extra mile for them as well giving up so much of yourself in doing so. If your professional life is entangled with a Narcissistic boss, getting out of the abusive relationship may be extremely challenging, especially when this is your livelihood, or your bread and butter. It most situations where a Narcissist is connected to your life it is difficult to just pick up, leave, and start over again because there is so much involved before you can do this.
It may seem frightening and insurmountable after the time you have invested, and you may be tempted to put up with more abuse, as an attempt to defuse the situation and save what mattered so much to you in any of the relationships you were entangled in. BUT there is nothing even near to a normal or real relationship with a Narcissist, and you can only learn this the hard and painful way if you stay or repeat the same steps you have in the past with them. There is no healthy give-and-take relationship with a Narcissist, only a manipulative, crippling, subjugating type of giving and a demanding, exploitative, and insensitive type of taking what the Narcissist wants to fulfil their needs only. People are only objects that a Narcissist uses. We are NOT objects nor can we ever redefine our roles in life to accept such a role with another human being.
It is especially difficult to accept this when your interactions with them are at the personal, professional, familial or intimate level. How much of yourself, your work, or your aspirations, do you have to sacrifice in order to save your life and your psyche from the destructive assaults from your Narcissistic abuser? Sometimes you have to lose all of it and start over again from scratch. As horrendous as that may sound, the bottom line is that you will achieve freedom and gain your belief system and sanity back and that basically describes saving your own life! What a horrendous step to take in life or basically having to run to save yourself from something so destructive that it can literally destroy your sanity – and especially if it is a person you trusted and loved like a spouse, partner, parent, family member, or even a close friend. This is magnanimous layer that is added to our recovery process – have to basically see our world destroyed around us and having to reconstruct that world as part of recovery and healing.
Don’t try to fight a war that you can’t win because a Narcissist lacks any and all morals and they abide by no rules nor are they fair. You can’t engage in reality with a person that lacks a conscience, morals, emotions and expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure. Narcissists have no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their mindless and thoughtless approach to other people especially if it is “you.” They already have a mechanism in place that has been dumping that shame since they were very young. Don’t ever underestimate their depravity as it concerns their lack of respect for life and people because they will abuse anyone that stands in their way, even their own biological children or ANY family member. They will go to ANY lengths to destroy your integrity to protect themselves from exposure – so yet another layer is added to recovery – fear of retribution and the damage they will cause to your life.
So how could you have been such a fool? The painful realization often comes with the disbelief of just how could we have not realized that he/she was like this? That’s another thing that educating yourself about this disorder will teach you very clearly. The Narcissistic personality is especially good at being pathologically deceptive and manipulative, at simulating genuine affection and caring to gain our trust so they can essentially use us and abuse us. In reality, the Narcissist is only capable of caring about themselves. The Narcissist can BASICALLY imitate that they care about you or even love you as long as he/she continues to see you reflect extreme adulation and admiration for them, which is usually in the beginning of your personal relationship with them and that traps you into the cycle of abuse with them. Underneath all of that is a delusional and out-of-control amoral person that lacks respect for life and people and has no conscience about how they debase people to GET WHAT THEY WANT – supply. That is what it all boils down to – we satisfy some sort of need, but they have many needs, and many people they use to satisfy their immense needy void hole. You thought this was a primary relationship with them and it never was because your role with them in any relationship is to serve their immediate needs.
The perceptions of the Narcissist are truly their reality. If you look back you have never been able to change or influence their perceptions because they got louder and completely ignored your every word to the contrary concerning any of their delusional outbursts, especially if it concerned their own accountability or the truth about them. If you couldn’t effect change with them living in a close relationship, then don’t waste your time and effort ever trying AGAIN. They live in their own world and no matter how false or unreal it appears to you, for them it is reality because it has to be for them to survive among us. As soon as a Narcissist begins to perceive that you have a voice of your own and a right to existence, the trouble starts and then there is no return because there is no possibility of two way communication with them because they are omnipotent and need to control everything and everyone in their environment to maintain that facade. The more you push your individualism forward the more resistance from the Narcissist. Their façade is impenetrable and has to be or they would self-destruct if people knew the truth.
Lies and deceit are as natural to the Narcissist’s world as is breathing. A Narcissist has the amazing ability with their ‘shrewd deception’ to make ‘others’ believe their lies EVEN when they fly right in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Heck they are so smooth at their LIES that the Narcissist also believes THEIR own lies. Mine could have been given an honorary PHD in lies, and lying! Take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie, or as my friend once told me “if they are breathing they are lying!”
It is extremely painful, to come to the conclusion that people who have meant a great deal in your personal (or professional) life can ACTUALLY destroy you and you have to disengage with them completely to literally save your life. Sit back for a moment and really think about that and it is a hard pill to swallow. It is EXTREMELY painful, but the alternative is only to continue the descent along the dark path of self-destruction. Stop it all and finally break the chain that keeps you tied to an abuser. Everything you have built with this person was done in vain, and if you keep believing or buying into the games/lies with the hope to catch a glimpse of what things were like when you lived in the illusion they fabricated for you, you will only be drawn back into the abuse over and over again. The promises like a life journey together or sharing the joys of REAL love, a future, intellectual fulfillment, dreams, goals, etc., were part of the abuse to only control you and keep you chained to the abuse.
Unfortunately you have to learn and accept that the psychological and emotional investment you made in a Narcissist is/was valueless, and you have to write them off completely as a bad debt. If you continue any type of association with them, you will only lose your soul and hand it over to a deceitful, perverted and loathsome character that will use and drain the life right out of it. They can be described just like the “un-dead” fictional characters that are looking to feed off of the life force of other human beings to BECOME alive again. Maybe the people that wrote about these fictional characters were using an artistic play on words to describe Narcissists. It is just incomprehensible that they have the cognitive ability to plan and scheme as they do to trap us, debilitate their target, know it is wrong, lie about their actions to cover up their tracks, destroy our good name, extort everything they can, and run off as they do to another unsuspecting target. Sounds more like a well-planned out process to me. The jury is still out on this.
One day you will see the complete picture and it will never make what they did better, but you will understand because you have finally been educated into what they are and what YOU aren’t. A Narcissist is a dead giveaway in the way they create their delusional turmoil after each and every departure from one of their con jobs or relationships as the Narcissist prefers to call them. While they are running away like the thieves they really are with their tails between their legs, they are really running away from the truth of who and what they are. We are the truth they are running from as they are throwing lies back at us in an effort to smear our integrity and destroy us. They never can or will admit to what they have done, instead they will always slither into someone else’s life to find shelter, create a new family, and take what they can emotionally and physically. In the end, you were still the amazing and loving person you ALWAYS were and that is what sent the Narcissist running for their life – YOU WERE JUST TOO STRONG for them and saw right through their façade! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg