There is and never was ANY type of a real relationship with a Narcissist, just time lost with a disordered, destructive, and abusive person and great loss.
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist,
So where did that ‘love’ go? Until the fact sinks in that the time they spent with us or anybody is never a ‘relationship’, but instead more of a pathological parasite feeding off of you/us, you just won’t “get” Malignant Narcissism. You will keep acting on the premise that the Narcissist has some feelings ‘JUST’ for you, or some sort of conscience, morals, ‘cares for’ or even loves you – and that premise couldn’t be further from the truth. It NEVER makes sense to you, so you keep blaming yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to do as if everything is your fault. You are always wondering whether it is you, or it is YOU that has temporarily lost your ability to relate NORMALLY in your relationship, or better yet you are crazy like your Narcissist is telling you. NO, no, no, no, no, no – it is the Narcissist that is crazy or clinically has the ‘personality disorder’. Well it is classified as a personality disorder but still in all it is CRAZY behavior or better yet dehumanizing, demeaning, debasing, and destructive behavior to make you think YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. Control is power to an abuser so whether you are attacked physically with a fist or attacked mentally with hideous, destructive and manipulating words, it is abuse from a disordered person, one that is not a fully functioning human being that lacks total empathy and love for their fellow man/womankind. You don’t intentionally CONTROL, harm, hurt, or destroy any creature on this planet for ANY REASON and these critters do it every waking moment of their lives.
Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs. You always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as your participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (this applies if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above). You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. Abuse becomes your reality! But no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil this Narcissists needs.
Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (gas-lighting). Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are ‘losing it’ or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. This is the shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with all people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality, but you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of this endless maze of abuse!
A Narcissist doesn’t acknowledge individuality or even like other people (remember we are just objects to use). Along with this premise the Narcissist doesn’t care about being liked – THEY DEMAND to be admired, feared, and favored. They don’t care about getting along with people because they are puppets to use and manipulate, and a Narcissist is no more capable of considering the consequences of their actions than a rock would. There is no consideration for anybody or anything with a Narcissist and nothing is never about whatever it REALLY is, instead it is always all about their omnipotence, superiority or ego instead or their fake façade. They HAVE to exploit EVERY single interaction with us to gratify THEIR needy ego at your ego’s expense or even DESTRUCTION. There’s no end to it. It’s exasperating and you never get through that brick wall a Narcissist throws up in front of you constantly, so always remember how much time you have tried to break down barriers to “fix” things. Everything would just bounce back to you as more blame and shame from this Narcissist. It was a relationship that was meant to deny you every bit of gratification or any “giving” from the Narcissist and instead “taking” every bit of gratification (supply) they could for their vast needy void.
This is the reality with a Malignant Narcissist be it a wife, husband, partner, brother, sister, friend, mother, father or whomever. There is and never was ANY type of a real relationship, just time lost with a disordered, destructive, and abusive person and great loss. There is no closure to this abuse because there is no real person so we only have the sad truth to embrace to start us out on a realistic path of recovery AND yes heal and rejoin life again. An interaction with a Narcissist is ALWAYS damaging and destructive to people.
No Contact – shut these monsters and their vermin minions completely out of your life so you can live again because there is no reality with them only destruction! Water always finds its level – and these creatures do meet up with their karma just by the process of how they intentionally hurt so many good people (and family) and everybody will just avoid them completely in time. You may not always see it like a huge lit up billboard that says “This Narcissist met their KARMA,” but look under a few rocks and you will find them there alone and in the darkness that they only created for themselves. You nor I can ever help them because that is where they choose to be – remember that always and remember how they harmed you when you reached out with LOVE! No/minimal contact! Greg
Let’s call this EXACTLY what it is – emotional and psychological abuse and Domestic Violence from a personality disordered person.
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and everything else in Between with a Narcissist
This abuse doesn’t stop the very day you walk away from a psychologically and emotionally abusive partner or Narcissist. It more than likely may continue to affect you long after you are out of the relationship until you completely educate yourself about this abuse or what psychological and emotional abuse is! It is unfortunate that you and I have had to experience this and are/were left disabled and damaged by our abuser BUT we can’t allow it to affect and destroy the remainder of our life by staying imprisoned with these thoughts that were imprinted on our hearts and minds. You were an amazing person before the abuse and you are going to be more than that when you recover and become a survivor with new boundaries and a new perspective when you get back to life and living again.
Psychological and emotional abuse is any judgement, from ANY source, that humiliates, undermines and paralyses you. People do have a right to react or comment on errors you have made, but they are NEVER justified in suggesting that those errors undermine your human worth or dehumanize you through a personal attack. If you think about your abuse with a Narcissist, this was a slow and insidious day by day and CONSTANT manipulation of your character by the Narcissist. It was mixed with love and you were thrown a little bone now and then, but that was only to pull you back into the abuse and managed down more. It was a horrendous manipulation of your mind, character and integrity by a disordered person. They are the sick one here and not you.
This abuse keeps you hyper focused on the past by only viewing the present and the future through the negative perspective of the abusive relationship or those negative messages that were forced into your head and heart. When you are in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship, the Narcissist always reminded you of everything you have ever done wrong and basically told that you will never change. They do this with the constant managing down with something new or old and remind you of it constantly. There was never much that was ever directed at you in a positive manner either, instead everything you did was devalued where you continually strived to do better in response to the devaluation and that became your normal with them. What did this make you feel like? Worthless and always like you had to explain yourself! Basically it is the devaluation stage of the abuse and that is where these negative messages became imprinted on your mind! It is insidious and sadistic or dehumanization of a human being.
Psychological and Emotional abuse basically brainwashes you into accepting whatever negative things your abuser said about you as real or your reality and worth as a person. They make you so vulnerable through the devaluation process that it confuses AND disables your reality which in turns undermines your own opinion of yourself AND then you believe they must be right because they are so relentless and angry about these so called things you do. The Narcissist is HEAVILY invested in their agenda to devalue you so they can maintain their power and control over you! Their attacks are traumatizing.
With psychological and emotional abuse you are never really sure that it is actually abuse, because he/she is not being physically abusive or hitting you where you can say that this was/is an ASSAULT (some Narcissist do get physically violent too though)! You can’t be sure that what your partner says counts as abuse or not. So you defer or justify the situation because you are invested in this relationship because of your emotional bond and you take it all as if the Narcissist is just telling the truth as it concerns these things you do wrong! You go on to justify it by thinking perhaps that you are too sensitive, demanding, jealous, or have issues like he/she may have said or a hundred other things. This happened to me in a manner that I tried to justify and fix these ‘off the wall’ crazy making efforts from my Narcissist because I thought it would somehow change in the future if I worked through this. I even had a perspective that my Narcissist had issues that needed my support and love and made it OK or allowed it to continue and that only enabled more abuse. YES my narcissist had many issues, but none of which I could ever fix and I only ended up coming out of the relationship needing fixed instead! The process involves reversing the negative conditioning and desensitizing the horrendous messages that stole your reality, self-esteem, feeling of worth, and goodness.
I am not weak, foolish, dumb or would allow someone to constantly attack me but the manipulation was such that it slowly but surely got me to where I did blame myself. BUT again remember the mix of that love bombing still lingers on because the Narcissist keeps you attached at the hip with that extreme manipulation as well (the love)! We will go the extra mile for the person we love, because isn’t that what unconditional love is all about? We were kept stuck in this process of wondering ‘is it me or isn’t it me’ and we never reconciled any of it so that it all piled up on us until it became insurmountable and disabled us. So what part of this is abuse? The words in all of those negative messages (and yes to what they also extorted from us)! If your partner, spouse, boss, friend or family member’s words humiliate you, judge you, dehumanize you, make you feel small, worthless or lack total respect for you as an individual with a real voice to respond with dignity, respect, and truth, it is wrong, unacceptable, and abuse!
You will devalue YOURSELF if you accept this behavior and allow other people’s abusive judgements of yourself, until you learn how to identify them and get rid of them once and for all. You will confuse these abusive actions with being realistic as it concerns you and your well-being! Someone’s ill placed and destructive judgement as it concerns you is an aberration of your basic rights as a human being. You cannot make or allow ANY assessment of yourself based on the denial of your ability to speak with the truth/freedom and without the fear of their retribution or loss because of someone’s distorted version of the truth as it concerns you – that is condemning you. We all have the basic rights to speak freely, form and maintain good relationships, and live in peace because these are our basic human rights!
Our entire existence to connect in this life is based on there being sufficient regularities, rules, or even laws in human nature to make healthy as well as sufficiently reliable interactions with other people. This is just a given and part of our belief system so we generally don’t venture out into the world believing everybody is a liar, abusive, or a Narcissist. We will always tend to follow our belief system first and trust it until there is sufficient proof to believe otherwise. These regularities come from various aspects of just being part of the human condition, AND without them the human condition cannot function normally. Well interestingly enough the Narcissist considers this and uses it as bait to trap us. They completely work this reality of life into their façade of lies, as well as their agenda, and it becomes a working part of their personality or that facade. They are just one magnanimous and huge dangerous lie! Unfortunately when you entered into this relationship with a Narcissist you did not know what the future held for you, but with the knowledge you now have you can break the chain and move forward to a healthy and good life. You are an amazing person because you are still here today and fighting to get back to the person you once were. Let that define the real strength that you had that got you through this hideous attack on your love and life! You were too strong and too full of love and empathy and that sent your abuser running – that is the real truth here! No/minimal contact from this point on! Greg
We DIDN’T fall in love with the abuse, we were seduced into this abusive relationship and manipulated into a role by a fraud and a highly disordered and sadistic Narcissist with an agenda!
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
So the truth or the crash course to understanding our role. The Narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche and also penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques – brainwashing us every step of the way to gain our trust so we BELIEVE in them – then they can manage us down and control us to ‘get’ supply. They are seriously like a virus that establishes itself within its victims. Their words and manipulative actions echo through our psyche and mind, slowly but surely disabling every aspect of our reality with the sole intent to control and extort us.
Recovery is a process that demands that we separate ourselves from the Narcissist that is alive and living inside of us as the result of living or being with that Narcissist. The Narcissist has crippled you (us) and assigned us a role as they do to every target/victim. We HAD to develop coping mechanisms with him/her. EVERY day we were forced (controlled) to “walk on eggshells” and develop our own false self to support their every need. It is nothing even comparable to BEING a Narcissist it is just defining what we become and that is a servant or Narcissistic supply. It is a direct result of the elaborate arsenal of tools that the Narcissist uses and the result of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you (us) by the Narcissist.
Thus, great efforts are required to abandon a Narcissist and physical separation is only the first step. Next emotional and psychological separation is also required and that is the catch 22 in our recovery. It requires establishing a new reality that puts all of our old beliefs about this relationship to rest forever. We can abandon a Narcissist physically but our psyche is slow to abandon the Narcissist. The abuse is lurking there rendering its existence at every level of our reality. It is twisting and distorting our every thought as we reach out to find closure in response to the many years we were with them. The Narcissist’s words and actions live within us as an inner, remorseless voice, lacking any compassion and empathy for our real being. The Narcissist is there in spirit long after he/she has vanished physically. This is the last bow of the Narcissist, their final curtain call, the proxy abuse that has to be purged out of us.
A little bit of my personal reflection on my abuse: Now I have the clarity about this abuse as well as the Narcissist that abused me. It is like being on a merry-go-round, but one that you can’t get off of and it just goes faster and faster until you are left there alone, frozen and spinning around with no sense of anything but the senseless motion you are in. I DO NOT understand why I endured as long as I did with this Narcissist except that I WAS managed down and a captive person of emotional and psychological abuse that put me there. Was I a willing participant that wanted to be abused – NO! Was I put into a position to believe that this creature loved me – YES! Was I the recipient of subtle and demeaning brain-washing – YES! Am I normal person than loves and has empathy – YES! Did I become dependent – YES! Did I willfully accept this role to become disabled and dependent on a Narcissist – NO! Did I believe in the false love – YES! BUT again did I connect any or all of this OR put it together when I was in the thick of this cycle of abuse – NO. I was confused, dazed and fighting for answers I didn’t have nor could I get to them because of my distorted emotions and trying to believe. It was my own justifications that blinded me from so much of the truth AND disabling.
The devaluation was relentless and a new layer was added daily so I couldn’t even start to dig myself out from the many other layers or realize this was emotional/psychological abuse. I didn’t have time to concentrate or figure out one single layer because another layer was added until the process was insurmountable and I was just surviving each day. I was in over my head and by myself with a distorted reality and stories that were just too incredulous and beyond belief. I could only survive the best way I could and my life was controlled by this revolving circle of inner messages that we are left with to decipher but it was too overwhelming to do alone. What did I have as my reality – a disordered and not fully functioning human being – A NARCISSIST?
Just like the analogy of that fast ride on the merry-go-round, my only salvation was to jump off at all costs and get my feet back on the ground and my bearings back again. This was not a simple process because this Narcissist made sure to set the groundwork to make those nearest and dearest to me believe that I was a bad person and derelict. This was an insurmountable situation that I had to venture into without any course of action to resolve any of it quickly. I stumbled through it and had to let go of many things that were important to my life and become a survivor. Day by day I acquired the truth as well as knowledge to move forward. I didn’t look at any of the losses at first, I realized that my survival was based on becoming healthy first and then to rebuild from there. I had to step out of the fog and take each and every day as part of my freedom that provided me clarity to heal and move on little by little until I survived this war that was waged against my life. They just don’t walk into our lives to take supply and then discard us, they have to attempt to destroy us to make themselves feel better or superior in the process and to bury the evidence to avoid exposure so that they can move onto their NEXT source and they will repeat the exact same cycle of abuse with THEM.
I did survive when I accepted that all of this was ABUSE and nothing even near what I believed was real love. That was a very difficult hurdle for me, not just emotionally but for a vast array or reasons that came into question that concerned me personally as well as understanding that what I loved was basically a monster. I have purged everything out of me and found my way back again. This Narcissist is an envious, cruel, destructive, and a sadistic little person that won’t ever love another person because their envy of life and people is so close to the surface that it naturally erupts as rage. They have no control to contain themselves because there are no rules, laws, or MORALITY to uphold within their vast void. Essentially they have to battle with their OWN false self through their many lies, manipulation and an out-of-control lifestyle that destroys every day of their life, so that they can only create another day with a new mask that will slip off like all of the others they wore.
They will put so much time into their agenda to trap someone new and take them down to their level, but we do break free from them and their little battle rages on with life that forces them to keep running as searching for another person. They don’t ever look back on their life with fond memories, or fulfilled dreams because they don’t have a REAL life. Their own biological children become targets/victims and suffer from the fallout of their abuse and quickly become like every other person they abandon BUT they use and abuse them too if they can gain something from a connection with them. They have no past, present or future – only the destruction, loss and loneliness that they have inflicted upon others that RETURNS to them tenfold. There is no happiness or ‘new’ love in their life, just another target to abuse and a new game for them to play AND distancing their past so it doesn’t catch up with them.
You have the heart, soul and mind to grow from this destructive time you spent with them. You can love again and you have the spirit, knowledge, and goodness from your past life to re-educate yourself and come back again. Unlike a Narcissist that is in a constant battle with life, you are resilient because you know unconditional love that heals and have empathy to grow as rational, functioning and normal human beings do! You are REAL, amazing, and resilient and CAN do this. You will never fully understand this because you have real empathy, compassion, and know love. With that in mind you only have to understand the truth that they are abusive to all life and that they have seriously damaged your life. Don’t try to keep getting into their head to understand them anymore because that will put you right back into the abuse with more confusion and you will only stay on the merry-go-round until you stop, accept the truth and create a realistic closure that you were abused by a personality disordered person that never cared and you cannot fix them – but you CAN fix you and repurpose yourself after this insidious relationship with a Narcissist. No/minimal contact to move forward! Greg
The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth as far as it concerns a Narcissist – EVERYTHING about them is a lie.
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
Naturally every relationship with a Narcissist ends in such a disastrous manner to the person that has gotten seduced into the relationship. BUT basically you can always count on some common denominators as to why they have moved on AND in reality it is really a tribute to your goodness, true strength and reality. YES, strangely enough, the discard is the Narcissist’s greatest tribute to your strength, unconditional love, and empathy. It reveals their true envy for you because you possess these amazing qualities that they can never have. It also represents their cowardice because you were just too strong for them as you questioned and figured out their manipulative game and exposed them as the LIAR, extortionist, and abuser they are. Unfortunately you still feel so worthless about your life, BUT that is exactly how the Narcissist wants you to feel. So some reality and a different spin of the truth of this relationship!
Narcissists just love to build you up with the ‘love bombing’ or during the idealization phase, BUT then they end up resenting and hating the happiness and love that is generated back by their partners (targets/victims). How pathological is that when you think about it and actually get what they ARE! So the Narcissist in their delusional world creates a viable solution to this that works for them and that is to harbor their extreme resentment through their passive/aggressive abuse to disable you and discard you in time. They make you become unhinged and anxious, essentially shattering all of that confidence that they built up originally with the ‘love bombing.’ Yes it is ONLY their plan to seduce you in so they can start extorting what they can and use you as supply but they hate you for being human and responding with care or love and that sends them running because that is not part of the original plan. SO essentially it means that you embody everything that they hate like emotions, love, happiness, and joy – but they also NEED you to be a source of supply so they charm you into the relationship and harm you on the way out.
They despise your good qualities, because it’s a reminder of everything they can never feel or be. These qualities are unreal and thus unattainable to them and worthless except to LURE YOU IN! Your happiness, goodness, smile, laughter, and love are all foreign to them and a horrible reminder that they are not fully functioning human beings. It also forces the reality that they can never truly be a human being especially one that experiences true love and growth with another person. Again that extreme envy is what makes them see their true reflection of what they are. So they have to mock your goodness and destroy you to convince themselves otherwise. They plan their destructive discard in order to repress your true worth of these amazing characteristics. They discard your amazing reality because it reflects upon the truth of their disordered and hateful reality because it makes you BETTER than them. They will discard a whole family EVEN their biological children to find new supply and feed their selfish needs without a care!
Now take a look at their crazy making and the chaos they impose onto us to HIDE and deny the real truth that they are pathological liars, cheaters, manipulators, and destructive when their accountability comes into question. They hate exposure, BUT in time their lies ALWAYS catch up with them. Every argument where they said you were crazy, obsessed, or making things up, or YOU were the one lying or having affairs is THEM fighting back to hide their TRUTH to avoid exposure. They cannot face the reality of what they are and have been running from it all of their lives with their lies, AND it must NEVER catch up with them! How truly delusional their world is that that they fight off their own reality and distorted world with even more lies and attacks on YOUR integrity and NEVER accept or face the truth. How amazing that your questions about their accountability led you to the truth of their consistent and CONSTANT cheating, lying, and triangulating that led you to your freedom in reality. These attacks are the Narcissist’s tools or ways of making you feel crazy for pointing out the truth. Their real agenda will be exposed if you see the truth. They will look like the criminals they really are.
When they punish you with their raging attacks it is because you have pointed out their lies, and they are desperately trying to escape exposure because you were just too smart for them. They try to destroy your sanity and intuition, and essentially your intuitiveness is too strong for them – this is how desperately they hold onto their lies to avoid the truth of what they are. They recognize these human traits of yours as dangerous to them and try to convince you that they are your weaknesses and delusions about THEM thus ensuring that you won’t use them anymore. When the Narcissist accuses you of being obsessed, jealous or overanalyzing everything, it just means you are catching on and too good of a detective and essentially way too smart for them. YOU could expose them as the defective person they are. That would brand them as a complete liar, a person than lacks any morals, a serial cheater, a manipulator, a thief, and a highly disordered person that would be shunned from society. We could completely expose their false persona that covers the dark character behind the mask. The loss would be too extreme so they must disable, discard, discredit, and destroy you AND move on to replacement ‘supply’ to survive.
So what about OUR emotions and the love that occurs after they manipulate us into their web of deception with that amazing thing called love. Your emotions definitely come into question because you are dealing with a creature that abhors goodness, emotion and love! Narcissists do love the idealization phase because everything is so picture perfect and their agenda is firmly in place and they are harvesting the supply they so desperately need and ADORED. There are no problems as long as they don’t have to deal with your needs and emotions. If we would only admire them so seamlessly and never be an individual with needs or have any type of resistance to the truth that faces us – then we would be their ideal source of supply. Well maybe this is somewhat true because they are just too out of control to be satisfied with just one mere human being and have always had other sources of supply on the side. So after they have conned someone that has fallen in love with them, the Narcissist suddenly finds themselves in a precarious and sticky situation. Their target/victim loves them, emotions are being generated and this is absolutely foreign to a Narcissist and they are not in this game to foster a greater emotional connection. The Narcissist easily gets bored and uncomfortable with this very quickly because it is so unreal to them.
PLEASE understand this completely so you NEVER go back to them in any capacity. The Narcissist can’t participate in what they don’t know and will never know and it becomes a major obstacle for them. Remember love bombing was just the manipulation to get you to trust them and give them supply. It goes no deeper than this because they can’t resist any source of supply and have been betraying you constantly behind your back and lying to your face. If you ever feel that they get away unscathed and are off living ‘happily ever after,’ then consider and imagine having to live like them where you NEVER realize the true value of love, or you can NEVER bond with a human being EVEN your own biological children. Imagine spending your whole life running away from your real self. No they are not better off because they are NOT fully functioning human beings! As much as today may hurt because of the abuse they have inflicted onto and into you — YOU are now free from this fake, desperate and debilitating relationship! Your normal and real love is what actually saved you in end – you were too strong and too real for this Narcissist! Break those chains with no/minimal contact and find your freedom and reality! Greg
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
Narcissists are acutely aware of their surroundings and they know emotions, or what YOU are feeling even if they can’t feel it themselves. They have observed people’s reactions to every specific emotion and know how to imitate it to get a desired response, even if they do not experience that emotion themselves. Just look back and understand how they were so amazingly adept at making you believe that they loved you and wanted you to be their life partner or whatever it took to con you into their abusive grip. Everybody that is reading this can’t deny that they believed in this Narcissist at one time and what they were feeling WAS love. Nor can we deny that we learned the real truth that they are very disordered and abused us
Narcissists get us to feel love for them without reciprocating a loving response in return. It seems like they are loving us back, but they are only reflecting our very emotions right back onto us and into us and this is as deep as it goes. They exploit people’s emotions, manipulate their feelings, pretend they are feeling creatures when they aren’t. They make you dance with them but the Narcissist is ALWAYS leading their partner in the dance and the music you are dancing to are their lies and deceit. The Narcissist becomes intimately familiar with all of your loving and emotional spots and knows the correct buttons to push to gain your trust and admiration.
Seriously this is all the depth there is to them and this is all we really have to understand about them. The very unfortunate thing is that their charm façade triggered something in us that got us attached to them at the hip emotionally and with most that was love! They conquered us with this single word (and imitating all of the required actions to support it) so we are right there with them and believing they are real. Because we have normal and real emotions we believed only what we knew and thought was real and supported every aspect of this love. They don’t have emotions to support it back with us and this is what fails them AND us in a horrendous way. They want what they want, they play the game, but it is short lived because they lack the necessary mechanics to give back. They get bored easily because they feel no human emotions or feelings to connect to us, but they are in it as long as they can fulfill their every need and they exhaust everything we have and then they continue on to the next target/victim. They are protecting themselves from exposure, so combine those two elements (their needs and their extreme manipulation to fulfill them) and this Narcissist becomes a raging lunatic if you should out them. They keep up the charade, rages and all, but they throw us a little bone to snare us back once again and then manage us down to make us feel worthless and thus disabling more and more of our reality. Remember if their true inner self was transparent to the world they would be rejected, writher away and die – that is why they abuse us in private. They can’t keep up the charade because there is nothing in them that allows them to bond so their spell over us lasts only as long as it takes us to discover the truth.
Hindsight unfortunately is 20/20 as they say, so you have to experience their deception and abuse to understand exactly what I just said. It is definitely not something anyone should experience because the destruction reaches the very core of your heart, soul and mind.
This is why letting go can be so hard for the target/victim because there are REAL emotions from REAL love that is strongly attached or mixed in with the psychological abuse and it confounds the recovery process just as it did throughout the entire distorted relationship. It becomes very confusing because even though it was all based on lies and a huge façade somehow you still love them and STILL want to sort through all of the deception to make it right with YOUR concept of real love – it was ingrained on your heart and mind. You believed in them and now the task at hand is to unbelieve them.
Being on the receiving end of Narcissistic love can, will, and does make us feel like we need to try harder because of the extreme manipulation or conditioning that they use to keep us hanging on and we spent vast amounts of time and energy trying to fix this relationship – that really is all that defines this relationship – trying more and more but never getting anywhere. We were given a vision in the beginning that this was real love and we became emotionally bonded to this vision BECAUSE that was part of the big game. Unfortunately no matter how hard we try, we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person (our Narcissist.) BUT we believe that somehow, it is up to us to fix the relationship because that is what the Narcissist uses as control and power over us to keep believing and hanging on while they extort our entire life away from us. This Narcissist lacks any and all emotions, empathy, and love for anything other than itself. So what is left for us to interpret? Superficial connections which are not functional by any means, but meant to make us believe that there is something real for us there. A Narcissist can’t connect to themselves yet alone to anyone else so everything they do is superficial as it concerns a real relationship with people. They are amazingly adept at this game because it is part of their survival.
We constantly struggle with the vision of that love in the back of our mind (the one that we were CONNED into believing was real) to make the relationship work and make our Narcissist happy by working harder at the relationship. We are even asked (more like demanded by threats) to do things differently or do what this Narcissist wants but it only would lead to more demands and making us sink deeper and deeper into this distorted love. We are even offered an ‘olive branch’ and an “I love you so much,” to achieve a cohesive peace but again it is not real at all and the Narcissist cashes in on the lies once again! But despite our intuition or the deep rooted sense that something is totally wrong this relationship it still feels familiar to love because that is what we hold onto to alleviate the struggles and pain. We begin to feel increasingly unhappy because we are never getting our needs met as well as totally confused and lost. The struggle to get this person to love and accept you is not working so you employ all kinds of tactics to try harder but to no avail. It is the vicious cycle of this abuse or the trap that keeps us running in circles until it ends and that end is always devastating and destructive because of the psychological damage that the Narcissist inflicted that kept this toxic relationship going. The Narcissist just closes the door and moves on to the next victim, but that doesn’t spell happiness, that defines an abusive predator! In the beginning we believed we found our soulmate, but in the end we realize we found a soulless-mate. What a horrendous journey we traveled to get to this truth! Now that journey must end and we must go back to find ourselves again or recovery from this sadistic nightmare. It must end completely to do this with no/minimum contact. Greg
How is a Narcissist able to walk around in our world and get away with emotional and psychological murder?
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
Narcissists do not have ANY capacity to have healthy interactions with ANYBODY. They simply are not wired with the internal mechanisms to have these skills! How do they manage to imitate the normal human condition so well? Through observation and studying people and mimicking our behaviors. Again they are basically predators that camouflage their true selves to remain undetected so they can con and then trap people into their world, otherwise their lack of emotions, empathy, compassion and everything else would scare people off. It is just a working façade for them to fit into society.
Narcissist are also very skilled in a manner to dissociate any real guilt or shame that they should feel about their betrayal, dehumanization and antisocial behaviors. This dissociation is like a force field that protects the Narcissist from seeing their real identity and realizing how cruel their actions actually are. This dissociation also prevents them from experiencing any guilt. Dissociation is a difficult concept to grasp and basically clinical in nature. It means to block out a thought or emotion and then projecting it onto and into someone else. In the real world we just say Narcissist DO NOT CARE and that is the basic reality with them. Watch them run off after they are exposed and start a whole new life again with new supply AND within days of ending their relationship with you. You will be blocked from their social networking sites, ostracized as being mentally insane, a liar, abusive to them, AND THEY HATE YOU. Just another HUGE wall they create to block how they abused another ‘ex!” They will even leave their biological children behind with a care!
OK so the nitty gritty to help you understand how a human being can be like this! Narcissists don’t live in the real world that you and I do. They live in their own world made up of fantasy, lies, delusions, deceit, and they lack any and all morals. They have their own ‘fantasy reality’ that everyone that has any part of their life must accept or they will be deemed crazy, punished, and even destroyed. They live in a world where they make up all the rules and then break all the rules. In this world everyone must think just like them or better yet approve everything that the Narcissist does without question or prejudice. If you are a part of their life you can never reflect anything that would reveal their true Identity or ask for accountability from them in ANY manner.
All of the Narcissist’s sins must be forgiven and accepted but YOU must be perfect and basically their servant and caretaker. Acceptance and adoration must be given to the Narcissist CONSTANTLY, but absolutely none is given to you in return. In their world ABUSE is how they reward your love and you must accept the abuse because that is all you are worthy of. You must support their deluded actions without blinking an eye, but if you breathe the wrong way you will be severely punished.
Living in their world will always involve gas-lighting, betrayal, pathological lying, isolation, triangulation, and extreme manipulation so they can keep their false identity in place. You constantly have to tip toe around the Narcissist’s fragile ego to keep them happy so that their true identity and nature doesn’t rear its ugly face. Living in their world is like walking through a field of land mines or hidden bombs and you never know when they will explode but when they do the Narcissist is always there detonating them!
It is in reality a distorted land of make believe and everything is fine as far as the Narcissist is concerned because it totally serves them. BUT it is a land of horrible secrets and painful lies for the victim. THE ONLY truth is a relative truth based on what YOU may believe the relationship really is or what you were conned into believing was real. YOUR relationship IS ONLY held together through fear, guilt, obligation and desperation – that and being a source of supply to this Narcissist until they find a replacement. This is a desperate love for you and a nonexistent love as it concerns a Narcissist because it is part of their working façade to ONLY pull you in and keep you as a source of supply until a better one comes along!
The Narcissist sabotages everything and everyone because NOBODY can be better or do better than the NARCISSIT! It is a place where your dreams will die quickly and your self-esteem and self-worth die along with them. It is a place where caring, liking, or love does not exist at all! It doesn’t only occur in romantic relationships, it can be a family member, a friend, or even a boss, co-worker or somebody in your community – and a Narcissist will malign and severely damage everybody that has any sort of connection with them.
Suddenly after so much time together with this Narcissist your world is no longer the one you believed in. You question everyday reality, but most of all you question yourself. You wonder how you could have been so naive, foolish, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing, etc., etc. You were betrayed and duped in a hideous fashion by the great manipulator! It was just your turn to be a puppet for this Narcissist, or replace old supply and shore up the Narcissists lies. You essentially became their safe haven after their last target/victim and just new supply.
YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns truth and reality in a very normal manner! BUT the Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through deception to make you BELIEVE they are like you in every way when they are the direct opposite and purely toxic. With all of their overt manipulation they make you believe they are so full of charm and love AND there is no reason NOT to reciprocate back with your love, devotion and TRUST. You see no other reason than to believe him/her because if the Narcissist acts like you (the NORMAL person), reciprocates by saying that he/she likes or loves you, then there is no reason not to believe him/her because in your past, people who acted in this manner and spoke these exact same words could be trusted. You only believed there was congruency or reality in the initial connection and you did what other normal people did and went with it because the Narcissist LIED so well and hid their secret perverted world from you! But not now because time has changed so many things. YOU TRUSTED THIS PERSON WITH YOUR LOVE!
Suddenly you learn that someone (the Narcissist) you trusted implicitly, be it a spouse, lover, family member, close friend, etc., has been putting you down, backstabbing you, lying, manipulating others against you, betraying you, and yet STILL maintaining a FALSE stance of intimacy, friendship, or LOVE with you. It is just impossible to understand because it is a horrendous betrayal, so your world becomes so unclear and now you have so much conflict and animosity about this.
Unfortunately you are stuck between two worlds – one where you believed in their love and one where you see truth that it was a distorted love meant to harm you! A Narcissist loves to get into your head and gain control to satisfy their every need, then they enjoy devaluing you for letting them in and enjoy the process of the harm they inflict upon you. It is this power they love and need to survive.
There are so many areas of our lives that are impacted by the abuse that are so far reaching that it reached your deepest level of core beliefs and literally changes your identity! It is just never one area that is affected by this abuse, it is our emotional, spiritual, mental, and even our physical world that is seemingly altered forever! Each area requires its own recovery process and the reason why recovering takes a very long time, education, support, introspection and a STRONG will to get better – one in which you must completely purge this Narcissist out of your thoughts, heart, soul, and life forever. It all starts with no/minimal contact! Greg
Narcissists are very effective interrogators to get the information they need from you to know your strengths and weaknesses so they can eventually use this information to control you.
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
The educational process is so extremely important to REAL recovery. I am not using the word education in a manner that only describes the Narcissist or abuse and “there you have it!’ Instead I am trying to emphasize the importance of education being vital to breaking the abuse messages that play in your mind, as well as defining the manner that a Narcissist drives this abuse straight into your heart, soul, mind and world. We must understand what we DON’T understand to move on and up to a level of recovery. We must accept that they are what they are, move on with the truth and do some damage control and heal!
Targets/victims get so lost in the day to day managing down that they fail to see just how effective the Narcissist is at distorting their reality (the manipulation.) You are never having a REAL conversation with a REAL person. This is the essence of the ABUSE and how we become desensitized to it over time and our reality distorted. Everything a Narcissist says (and does) has NOTHING to do with a normal ‘back and forth’ conversation between two normal people! You (target/victim) are COMMUNICATING and believing that the Narcissist is reciprocating, but they are observing and scheming through words and actions. They are drawing information from you in a manner to know your strengths and weaknesses and how to use those against you. They may reply in what seems like a normal manner but they are actually interrogating you to draw out what they can and then they distort what they can so you never have a cohesive conversation with them. You will always find yourself WONDERING about something or the other.
The end result is that they have you where they want you. Along with that they employ so many techniques to confuse you, or make you question what you said, or basically always feeling like you have to explain yourself. That is how they gain the upper hand! Beyond the love bombing which was just another grand scheme to manipulate you into the abuse with words and actions, the remainder of the relationship will consume you with always feeling the need to defend yourself. There is no such thing as individuality with a Narcissist and they are not going to allow you to have needs or be anything but what they want you to be. The KEY point here is that the love you FEEL (conned into) connects you to a Narcissist as well as blinds you to the abuse because they dangle that love in front of you and make you basically beg to have it back. That is purely behavioral modification using withholding techniques to change you to accept their disordered abuse! Remember that they are employing their disguise to con everyone around them to get what they want, but the primary 24/7 supply suffers the most from this abuse. They have other sources of supply on the side to feed their out of control lifestyle, and minions that sing their praises. How sad and destructive for the primary 24/7 target/victim to believe that what they have with a Narcissist is LOVE when it is nothing more than a place for the Narcissist to have constant supply as well as a refuge to hide the real truth of just how abusive they are.
The dynamics of a relationship with them is built solely on the premise that you are an object to this distorted creature for as long as they want you to be OR until they have extorted everything they can from you, OR you uncover the truth about them. Unfortunately you are coming from what you believe is a real relationship with them so you are blinded to the day to day subtle manipulation and abuse. Love, commitment and growth are your goals, but slowly but surely your emotions and thoughts are eroded away until you lose the person you were for so many years. The Narcissist doesn’t ever stop the abuse because they need to devalue and discard you and they manipulate you into temporary insanity. They push and push you so that you react in ways that MAKE you out to be the ‘crazy one’ and then they use that against you. This is what they are and what they do. There is absolutely NOTHING you could have done to change any of this. This is a predator with an agenda to secure its prey, feed off of it, devalue it, destroy it, and then move on to new hunting grounds to find another person to prey on. BUT they are so good at this game that few see through them until it is too late! Add to the fact that a Narcissist will destroy each of their targets/victims integrity to cover their tracks by using the insanity they forced you into AGAINST you. The world is none the wiser to these criminals. Try explaining your incredulous experience and you have sealed your faith as being the ‘crazy one’ just like the Narcissist has described you to everyone and BEHIND your back. The Narcissist has everything covered as far as the abuse is concerned.
Targets/victims that are abused have to understand that the abuse doesn’t have anything to do with them and the actions of the Narcissist are not their fault. What you are feeling and reacting to is the many years of the brainwashing or manipulation (same thing.) You are NOT this person but instead a brainwashed individual that has had your dignity striped away from you by a highly disordered and destructive abuser. This is one of the hardest things to realize that there is absolutely nothing you could have done that would have any influence on changing this creature but you tried so hard. Targets/victims of emotional/psychological abuse often think otherwise hoping they can fix things and only end up in this vortex of blaming themselves as being the defective one as well as the reason for the failing state of the relationship or basically the scapegoat. Again this is the Narcissist doing what they do so well, confusing you and using mind control to make you accept their disordered agenda. It is the only way these creatures could function in our world and that is through lies and manipulation, otherwise they would be in jail for what they do to people.
Just some reality and the truth! With a Narcissist you will give until you are emotionally, spiritually and physically bankrupt and receive little or nothing in return AND you will lose yourself completely in the process. Just take a hard look at yourself today and then compare that with your state of being when you first met your Narcissistic partner. You are more than likely psychologically and emotionally worse off and feeling totally numb and like a totally different person. Narcissists are thieves and once they have taken all you have to give, you are history and they discard you and move on to new and plentiful source of supply.
PLEASE, please internalize that they waged an emotional and psychological war that had an agenda from day one! Narcissists are amoral and you CAN’T engage with them in any moral or conscience based issues and expect to achieve anything or better yet win. They DON’T love they abuse and extort. Narcissists have absolutely no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. They abide by no rules or laws. They aren’t REAL! There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their thoughtless and CRUEL approach to other people especially yourself. They feel COMPLETELY entitled in this world. If you are looking for revenge then you will never achieve any satisfaction in that arena either. They don’t connect to your thoughts or words as they concern any opinion that you may have about them, nor do they care. Narcissists do not think and process in the same manner as you or I. You are an object and supply and it begins and ends there! No/minimal contact to start on your road to recovery. Greg
Being stuck in that ‘FOG’ or confusion from the emotional and psychological abuse with a Narcissist.
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
Many targets/victims often have difficulty after ending their relationships with an abusive Narcissist. They torture themselves with self-doubt and with the many questions that reflect the doubt. Did I do the right thing? Why am I so stupid? Why did I put up with his/her behavior for so long? Why did I have kids with that sadistic lunatic? If only I would have done this or what if I would have said this or that? It is all self-recrimination and second guessing for sure! Without proper closure and all of that blame and shame that was dumped onto you, where else would you go with your thoughts? This is what is described as being in the fog – or better yet the confusion that the abuse has trapped you into. This relationship has slowly but surely destroyed your self-worth and basically erased your personality. This love you once believed in has turned into what can only be described as a desperate love.
This isn’t just ending a relationship, this is dealing with the psychological abuse that was administered to you daily. The human mind needs to process things and organize thoughts, especially as it deals with us on a personal level. But in an abusive relationship there is no rhyme or reason, or organization in a manner to accept or understand the reality of the situation because it is all built on lies and deception AND so much despair to deal with that it becomes your normal. It is also the trauma of the new reality of your situation. It is the fog that the abuse created that has your mind in so many directions and questioning everything and trying to find its way out or back home to reality. There is no past experience to draw from, nobody has ever taught you or I about this abuse and how to deal with it realistically? It is the constant managing down that you are accustomed to that makes you want to blame yourself and your natural empathy to want to believe and find real answers. Your mind goes back to the Narcissist and what they manipulated you into believing that you were the problem, worthless, had many issues, AND you have to kick those thoughts to the curb. It is what you BELIEVED verses the reality of the truth that you are finding out that this was abuse from a personality disordered person. Your head goes back and forth between these two processes and you never seem to find any semblance of order to create real closure.
These questions, thoughts and feelings are a natural byproduct of being in an abusive relationship. Narcissists condition their targets to take their abuse. They do this through a variety of methods, BUT in order for any of their unconscious and conscious manipulations to work, they first need to create or envelop you in FOG of confusion, one in which you question your reality and not theirs and of course this started off in such a positive manner with the love bombing to gain your trust. This confusion or FOG is the intangible glue that keeps targets/victims stuck in abusive relationships.
This explains why it is easier for outsiders like family and friends NOT to see what is going on because they weren’t personally caught up in the disorienting and invalidating aspect of the emotional and psychologically disorienting FOG or the abuse so your story seems incredulous to them as you reach out for help.
Think about real fog, and how difficult it is to see what’s right in front of you. You get turned around and maybe walk in the wrong direction. Objects seem further away than they are or even invisible until you are right up on them. Even sounds can be disorienting. This is very true with the psychological and emotional FOG created by a Narcissist. It basically blinds our reality and seduces us into a destructive game one in which we get lost in this fog and even lose ourselves.
In time, the FOG (confusion) may start to feel normal and being out of the FOG may feel abnormal and unsettling. Once the FOG (confusion) is the norm, leaving the FOG becomes difficult because of the self-doubt and second guessing INDUCED by the abuser. If the FOG is combined with ‘love’ it is extremely difficult for the target to break free because of the emotional attachment
For the FOG (confusion) to be effective, Narcissist instinctively know to isolate their targets/victims from friends and family members who will help them see reality and get out of the FOG (confusion.) Once you get out of the FOG for a length of time, your head will start to clear and you will, hopefully, see things more objectively, which is precisely what a predatory abuser does not want to happen. They want to control you, the narrative, your feelings and your perceptions.
Nobody can stay in a role where they are constantly devalued, reduced to constant blame, restricted in their capacity to grow, constantly lied to, extorted, betrayed, etc. But as simple as it seems to identify these traits as negative and to run for your life and away from this Narcissist there are complexities from the abuse that keep the target/victim coming back for more. The Narcissist has conditioned their target/victim to basically identify totally with the fake love by using it to make the target/victim vulnerable and they take full advantage of that to manage us down more and more. Simply put it is a form of behavioral modification or brain washing! It is subtle but effective and the target/victim gets caught up in this horrendous cycle of abuse. Love connects us at the hip to this disordered creature. The Narcissist utilizes very strong manipulation techniques to break us down and keep us down and that essentially destroys our spirit over time. When that day comes that you are abandoned, discarded or if you are able to leave your abuser, that is the day that the fog will start to lift and clarity will start to return to your life. We must experience the pain, withdrawal, confusion and everything else to get to this clarity and then to our recovery. We must break the cycle of this abuse with no/minimal contact to get off of this destructive and emotional rollercoaster or be stuck in that fog forever. Greg
Those debilitating messages that keep playing in the back of your head because you believe that your Narcissist has just moved on and doing so well.
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist
Today or whatever day you are sitting there and feeling such a debilitating and sick feeling in the pit of your stomach because of something you saw or heard that this Narcissist is off and having the time of their life with a new person is just ambient abuse OR all about the Narcissist warping your reality from a distance. This is still all about the devaluation that you spent so much of your time trying to reconcile and now you are trying to reconcile THIS with those same distorted messages playing in the back of your mind. You believed that so much of this was your fault or YOU were the problem, and that still lingers in your mind. You are still trying to fix this in some manner to alleviate the pain you feel, but now it is only at a distance and you are the only participant. That Narcissist is off and into a new target/victim, so on top of everything else you are searching for more answers about another layer of abuse that has been inflicted on you. There aren’t any REAL answers out there but there is the truth you know from the experience with this Narcissist and THAT is where you start with recovery. What you see are only more distorted images (concerning the new supply) that lead you back to feeling like YOU were/are unworthy.
Your Narcissist is sending all kinds of messages that they are in love, maybe they got married within a few weeks after they discarded/abandoned you. First who does this? You don’t meet someone within days or weeks of a breakup and commit to them. WELL a Narcissist does, and probably had this supply on the side the whole time as backup or met someone that showed some interest and the Narcissist saw opportunity because you were becoming wise to their game. What I am trying to get at is that this is all about the cycle of abuse – the love bombing, devaluation, discard and then the Narcissist with new supply within a very short period of time and it all is traumatizing. This is just a new person for this Narcissist to cycle into abuse and more than likely they have been searching for, procuring, and building up a harem of new supply throughout your entire relationship with them.
SO that pretty picture about the two of them out there and being in love, etc., is only that Narcissist SECURING new supply and THEY will end up LOCKED into this debilitating abuse PURE and SIMPLE and THEY will go through the same horrendous abuse that you went through. Unfortunately you still feel attached at the hip to this Narcissist because you had REAL emotions as they concerned YOUR relationship and probably may still feel you love them. Unfortunately even though the Narcissist was akin to a monster the love you felt for them doesn’t just magically disappear when you finally realize that what you loved was an abusive Narcissist. Because you loved them DOESN’T make you weak or anything negative because we all fall in love but unfortunately what you fell into love with was undeserving of your love. Your emotions WILL still come into play for some time and especially when you are trying to actualize the truth about this whole mess. Your emotions will be heightened, especially after seeing that they have moved on so quickly and you are still crawling your way out of the huge void they left for you and feeling traumatized. You HAVE to separate yourself from those emotions and it isn’t easy when you are feeling so vulnerable, but at least if you can start by internalizing that they are abusers and what they have with the new supply is just as unreal as what you experienced, it will start to plant a seed in your mind that will grow with time (and more education) – AND A CLEARER PICTURE about the truth.
If you ever broke up from a previous and normal relationship did you feel this disconnected without any sense of closure? Were you hated as a Narcissists hates their ex’s, or was your integrity destroyed? Only Narcissists do this with astonishing agility to destroy those that they know they have harmed! Just look at the Narcissist’s past and you won’t find it anywhere within reach of the new supply – and remember you didn’t know about their past either – or that they were a malignant Narcissist. The Narcissist separates their past from their present for a reason and that is to avoid exposure. You could talk until you are blue in the face to the new supply but you will probably get nowhere because they believe just as you did at one time that THIS IS THEIR SOUL MATE. BUT they do know something is not quite right even now and trust me on this one!
Those past emotions that we draw our conclusions from loving this Narcissist can damage us more and become a driving force especially as it concerns this abuse and once we allow them it is just like being on a rollercoaster with so many ups and downs. There is no closure just tons of messages from a disordered creature that wants you to feel their wrath as well as abuse you just a little bit more to perhaps take you over the edge because he/she KNOWS that this will silence you and make you seem like the insane, jealous or obsessed person – and they will point their finger at YOU and say this to everyone that is in your life or close to you. Don’t let this become your focus because it will only lock you up in a vicious circle of obsessive thoughts that have no basis of reality because you are dealing with a Narcissist and you NOW know what they are and do. They want to continue to control you and enjoy it with all of their off-color messages and gestures of happiness. The many supporters they SEEM to have are surface friends that haven’t had to deal with their abuse personally as we have so they are clueless and lack the depth to see the real truth. Narcissist don’t maintain or harbor deep friendships, they con and abuse any and every relationship for their convenience. We can’t blame the new supply or dislike them, because we were in THEIR shoes once and look where it got us, BUT we also protected the monster and stayed with them until we couldn’t anymore.
In reality you loved the love, because you were the only participant in this relationship. There was a body there with you but it used and abused you and loved the adulation and admiration it saw reflected in your face. This creature extorted your whole life through betrayal and cheating your love day after day. Just what would you consider was viable as far as love in your relationship with them now that you know the truth? What would you want from this Narcissist that can never love you – more abuse because that is the only thing they have to offer?
When you feel the urge to drown yourself with emotions, just remember those emotions were real to you and you are an amazing person that can love but that person you loved was stealing your life through this love. They are disordered and will always be that way. You must separate your emotions from the reality of WHAT they are and build on that aspect through more education. There is NOTHING amazing about them and never will be, they will continue abusing people and tricking all of their little minions that they manipulate as well.
The cost of your relationship was a deep psychological punch to your mind and soul that left scars. Don’t ask yourself to justify anything about your Narcissist and new supply as being good or real. Don’t connect to ANYTHING that they are waving in your face at a distance because they are doing it for a reason to protect themselves and fool more people into believing their incredulous lies and disordered lifestyle. Try to stay away from any thoughts about them as it concerns you and the love you felt. Turn that back into yourself and take your power back. Love yourself because that is where you will see the results that will take you on a journey to recovery! No/minimal contact and no peaking to see what is going on in their world. It is a dark and disordered world that you should never look back at. No/Minimal Contact! Greg
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
Admitting faults, or taking responsibility for their harmful actions would take some degree of empathy of which Narcissists have NONE. It is virtually impossible for the Narcissist to put themselves in other people’s shoes and seeing him/herself as causing harm and destruction. Not only is the Narcissist incapable of this it also repulses them to believe they are anything less than perfect. Remember the Narcissist is omnipotent and as such is superior and always in charge of their delusional world. They will never put themselves in a position where they would even consider anything negative or wrong about their own self-absorbed and tyrannical nature – this would be a weakness on their part. If you were to point out something they have done wrong they will turn around and deny it first and THEN point out MANY things that are wrong with YOU! This superior concept that the Narcissist maintains is consistently mirrored in everything they do. We all end up failing to meet their needs so we will be dismissed by this grand dictator. Remember the Narcissist’s self-absorbed perspective defines humanity as existing only to serve his/her immediate needs – the sun rises and sets ONLY on them.
Again the Narcissist creates the grand illusion of a “special bond” or “love” for those whom he/she finds useful at any given moment. This interprets as those who enhance his/her reputation, or help him/her lure or procure other sexual partners, or offer him/her money, property, status, etc. For those unlucky individuals that the Narcissists fosters a relationship with it is really to isolate and target us for the time being to drain us of whatever it is that Narcissist is after, and they hoard over (isolate) us until they have gotten all they can get. Everyone who sees through the Narcissist’s mask of insanity or exposes his/her lies becomes an “enemy” in the Narcissist’s eyes, and therefore a target of his/her hatred and will be devalued and destroyed because they can never allow that mask to be removed to reveal the real creature that exists beneath it!
Their life boils down to an accumulation of targets/victims, sexual partners, and whatever property gains they manage to extort. As many spouses know Narcissists will have children with them as well, and sometimes children to other spouses or partners. It is sort of like a collection of human beings for the Narcissist or better yet objects that have no emotional depth or the chance of a worthwhile life with this Narcissist being OR acting like a real parent. Malignant Narcissists are so heartless and callous that they reject their own children, once they devalue and discard the target/victim spouse. BUT they will portray themselves as the BETTER spouse that is a complete care giver to these children, often taking credit for things the abused spouse has done in reality.
So the truth here is that their abuse is absolute and fundamental to the Narcissist’s survival in the real world. The Narcissist can’t change and, most importantly, they DON’T want to change because this façade is their working personality that gets them what they need. They inhabit a fantasy world which becomes reality for them and those they manage to brainwash. There is no reality or truth for any person that resides in their world. It is a train wreck waiting to happen and there are always many victims. In their world the truth and falsehood only holds a weak instrumental meaning as they apply it to any situation and there is absolutely no morality contained in any of their thoughts or actions.
We must imprint this message in our minds that at the core of the Narcissist’s psychopathy is a mindset governed by their grandiosity, lack of empathy for others, and a grand sense of entitlement and superiority that places them above laws and morality. The Narcissist grossly overestimates their abilities and accomplishments and underestimates the complete being of their target/victim. Simply put, the Narcissist should be able to do anything they wish, however harmful and destructive, because the Narcissist is better than others. In the Narcissist’s mind, by making us a part of their wonderful life by mere association with them, he/she passes on to us this grandiosity as if they are royalty and that is our reward. It is ridiculous and repulsive that they can believe this nonsense and more akin to pompousness and arrogance.
It is hard if not impossible to fully wrap our heads around the outlandish behavior of a Narcissist or their psychopathic mindset so we really shouldn’t try to as it relates to and describes our experience with them – it is really just emotional/psychological abuse. We are normal people that love and possess empathy so we could NEVER understand the mind of this creature – we just can’t! Narcissists believe the truth they create at the moment they need it to provide them with new opportunities – there is no rhyme or reason to it. I believe they even have their own language and it is delusional at its basis and only ‘doubletalk’ to meet their agenda to extort other people’s lives. Every word, phrase or statement of the Narcissist’s so-called “truth” is only said in the moment or momentary and always contingent upon their immediate gratification and convenience. All their efforts, no matter what only represent an investment designed to satisfy the Narcissist’s immediate wishes and desires. Their feelings are shallow, so is the value of their ‘truth’s’ that they are always waving in our face.
After we are healthy we must force closure on our own and realize that it is a failed relationship that we could never even remotely come near to fixing. We can’t get into their delusions and apply them to ‘us being with them’ or figuring them out. Our energy needs to be turned around and poured into us and FULL TIME! So again, with all of this in mind it most certainly sends a strong and viable message that EVERYTHING was one big lie. So we have to stop traveling back to the past to re-think any of our personal thoughts about ‘why’ over and over again. It is futile to believe anything but the reality that they used and abused us and even tried to destroy us to cover up the truth. YOU are the important and amazing person here. YOU were the strong one here because the Narcissist could no longer lie, manipulate or betray you because your true self – the one that loves and is FULL of empathy – scared them off and they went running throwing more lies your way and smearing your name and integrity to avoid being exposed. Your real spirit as vulnerable as it was still shined through and saved your life! You defeated this abuser and made them face the truth about who and what they are – remember that! No/minimal contact always! Greg