A little more insight and education – Narcissism 101. A relationship with a Narcissist is like a one-way street, and you will travel in that direction for as long as you are driving on their highway of life.

A little more insight and education – Narcissism 101. A relationship with a Narcissist is like a one-way street, and you will travel in that direction for as long as you are driving on their highway of life. You can never change the direction and inevitably that direction always leads you to a ‘dead end’.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists are masters of deception, manipulation, betrayal and lies. They drive their “reality” home through bullying, brute verbal force and emotional abuse. A Narcissist clings to their prefabricated/phony belief system no matter how many times they are confronted with evidence to the contrary. In fact, the more wrong they are, the greater the manipulation and outrage they will display. If you challenge a Narcissist’s point of view, lies, distortions, unfounded accusations, etc., just watch how the discussion turns into a one-sided argument with drama, denial, chaos, re-writing history, theatrics, threats, silencing and even punishment very quickly.

Narcissism 101 – a quick reference guide to explain some of the tools in the Narcissists arsenal to succeed at extorting supply and abusing their target/victim.

1. Avoidance Tactics! When you present facts that contradicts a Narcissists belief, they will flip to another tangent or change the subject or even make up some sort of accusation against YOU, then use it against you to counter or divert your questioning, etc., etc. – organized CRAZY MAKING on the Narcissists part to avoid facts or truth. While you are still defending your original point and why it’s valid, the Narcissist annihilates or assassinates your thoughts (because you’re making sense) and distracts you by jumping to another topic that’s completely out in left field. The result WHAM – that wily and shrewd Narcissist has side tracked your whole thought process and somehow you are the one being interrogated and your original question or thought has gone up in a puff of smoke to the heavens and it will never return OR BE VALIDATED with a response – EVER!!

2. Silent Treatment! It can start by the Narcissist blurting out these two words – SHUT UP! When you try to explain your feelings or point of view, you will be silenced or even told to, “shut up!” Narcissists are psycho bullies and will bulldoze your words or thoughts right into the trash heap. When you challenge them, they believe if they ignore you, or stop you from speaking the truth that it doesn’t exist, sort of like a small child who closes their eyes to “make you go away.” After all they have the mentality of a three-year-old child. They can’t handle the smallest truth and they go to great lengths to deny and obliterate it by overpowering the target/victim and always gaining control – as well as shooting the messenger too!

3. Name-Calling or making fun of you. This is the last resort of psycho bullies, such as Narcissists. Because they can’t honestly or intelligently defend their position or their behaviors, they resort to emotionally-based personal attacks. It’s another distraction technique that sidetracks you from the original point of contention by disorienting you and putting you on the defensive. They intend to hurt your feelings with some sort of a ‘snarky’ comment to hurt you and that they do without a care in the world.

Calling a person names doesn’t prove any point it’s merely an attack AND cruel and meant to divert you by causing you pain. Walk away with dignity and respect without internalizing whatever cruel insult the Narcissist has tried to wound you with. Life is not a playground for Narcissists to act out in defense of their “damaged inner self” so they can control, overpower and knock everybody else down to the ground in defense of their out-of-control and perverse lifestyle.

4. Projecting. Narcissist project by accusing their targets of things that they themselves are actually guilty of. I can remember those times when I was accused of having multiple affairs, or using sex sites to find anonymous partners, or the most confusing comment that I was having affairs with married partners and how horrendously wrong this was. I would shake my head and my jaw would drop to the ground. I KNEW THE TRUTH that I didn’t do any of this, but at the time I wondered why and where this Narcissist was getting this perverted information. So, push the “forward button” to the present and now I know the truth that these WERE the things this Narcissist did to me in the shadows. Projection makes them feel “OK” about their lies, betrayal and any other dark things they are doing. They just cast them onto us, distort our reality by making us guilty of what they are actually doing and somehow this makes it OK that they do what they do that is so destructive to us. They JUST DON’T CARE who they may hurt with their perverse life because they are totally directed by their neediness and out-of-control lifestyle – AND THEY ALWAYS ACT ON IT.

I knew a male Narcissist that BOASTED about his sexual prowess. This Narcissist was married with children and his wife was expecting another child. One night the Narcissist went out with some friends in a car and they ALL engaged in acts of sex. When I responded in disbelief, this Narcissist said, “what it wasn’t really sex (as in the conventional method) and my wife didn’t know about it, and she was pregnant.” When I explained that IT WAS SEX and that his wife would have been horribly devastated if the truth ever came out – plus she was pregnant – and the whole situation was just wrong – he shrugged his shoulders and just didn’t care. This exactly describes how a Narcissist really doesn’t care and how deluded they are about the reality of their disordered lifestyle! If you would do the exact same thing to a Narcissist they would have you arrested, thrown in jail, have congress hear their allegations, and probably have you removed from the country.

5. Narcissists have a perspective of people AND the world around them and that is all-or-nothing or basically everything is in black-and-white terms. They have no capacity for context so you either see things their way or you must be destroyed as the enemy, imprisoned, punished and SILENCED. You can’t respectfully agree to disagree EVER. Any criticism, difference of opinion, accountability issue, or challenge to their “authority” is seen as a threat and will be treated as such that you will be devalued and destroyed. It doesn’t even have to be something you have said, it can come right from the Narcissist’s interpretation of any given situation and it can become a perceived threat that they will react to. Somehow a situation becomes YOUR fault when you have NOTHING to do with it and/or it is innocent. For example, a smile from a stranger, a phone call from a tele-marketer, or your phone ringing and you just don’t answer it, etc., etc. Their vivid little minds contort these simple situations into us having affairs, or whatever delusional belief they come up with. Quite simply the Narcissist reacts to the world in a constant defensive manner.

6. Smear Campaigns and Back-Stabbing are probably the most destructive to our lives. The Narcissist utilizes this tool in a manner to cause the most destruction they can. It’s never enough for the Narcissist to act out against us or only disagree with and despise us. Everyone else in the whole world must also hate you and see how wrong you are, or how mentally ill we are too – this includes family, friends, co-workers, and any other person you have contact with like the preacher at your church, doctor, local policeman, educators, etc. Narcissists attack your ethics, integrity, sexuality and manufacture the most ridiculous stories/lies and basic nonsense in order to destroy your reputation. The slander and gossip can be done in such a way that it looks like the Narcissist is ‘just concerned’ and comes up smelling like a rose. Unfortunately, the bigger the lie, the more gullible people seem to become and they tend to believe it. You are damned if you do or damned if you don’t in this scenario. If you defend yourself you seem guilty, if you don’t defend yourself you seem guilty – SO YOU SEEM GUILTY of everything they have said!

Furthermore — Narcissists are manipulative psycho gossips. They eagerly listen to and spread slander. They are self-righteous finger-pointers, always accusing others of being wrong, bad, lacking morals, etc. Narcissists can make their gossip sound virtuous, but destroying people’s integrity isn’t a good deed by any means. The Narcissist will badmouth others but embellish his/her slandering with words like “love” as well as use Christianity and concern that requires the Narcissists prayers to help the POOR victim that the Narcissist is back-stabbing to death. The Narcissist wears a halo above their head to help keep that mask from slipping – but a halo does not change the spirit in which slander is done OR to control, manipulate, triangulate as well as to divide and conquer people to hide THEIR own indiscretions of how despicable they really are. Narcissists are character assassins. A Narcissist has a trail of trashing good names and careers in their wake. The Narcissist will have even told you horrendous and terrible lies about the people in his/her own immediate family, etc.

7. Gas-lighting is a term that is derived from an old black and white movie where a character tried to make their spouse believe they were going crazy or insane. The Narcissist LOVES gas-lighting to make their target/victim seem crazy or insane. They may deny things they’ve said and done and accuse you of the same to make you believe that you are forgetful, or delusional. They may hide things like your car keys and tell you how forgetful you are. They will also twist a grain of truth about most any personal situation and turn it inside out or into a huge distortion until you seriously doubt your own sanity and look like the crazy person when you try to defend yourself. For instance, they will accuse you drinking too much when you possibly have a glass of wine with dinner, but they exaggerate and embellish the situation as if you NEEDED that wine or forget that you had 3 or 4 glasses when there is no truth to their exaggerations. Along the same lines, if you don’t get along with someone (and for valid reasons), the Narcissist will say, “I get along with him/her just fine.” The Narcissist will have nothing but praise for that person. Likewise, if you got really bad service at a restaurant, the Narcissist will say, “They gave me excellent service.” The Narcissist praises the other person or responds with the opposite because it reflects badly on you and well on them. Lastly, they will say that other friends or people have CONCERNS about you and have commented on various occasions as well. This is all what I call ‘managing down!’

8. Withholding. Basically, it is the Narcissist’s way of utilizing classical conditioning with their targets. Withholding covers an array of areas where the Narcissist can AND will withhold something to elicit a response to CONTROL the target/victim, both positively or negativity. Be it withholding the truth in any given statement or situation to cause confusion or deflect from reality or even withholding sex from the relationship to confound or confuse the target/victim. It is all done in a manner to CONTROL. In the game of abuse control is power and that is what the Narcissist NEEDS to be able to extract supply from us as well as stay in command of the situation (their ability to abuse to extort what they can.)

9. RAGING AND ACTING OUT! The Narcissists level of outrage, vindictiveness or emotional withdrawal is in direct proportion to how accurate you are OR you are starting to realize ‘ALL OF THE TRUTH’ about THEM and they know they are BUSTED. It is more like the Narcissist rises to the situation with more vivid attacks – raising the volume but never the logic. The Narcissist will either talk over YOU, or shout at you to wear you down with emotionally-charged statements and attacks over and over again until the Narcissist drowns out all reason or you pass out from the sheer exhaustion of it all. When all else fails PUNISHMENT and or the silent treatment until you submit and apologize for your “offense.” Perhaps they will slip out for a few days and arrange time with other supply and taunt you with that! That was a favorite of my Narcissist!

10. Narcissists process or filter out so much of their disordered life and actions through blaming and shaming. They blame us for everything that is wrong and then they never have to consider how they contributed to and caused the issues and their own unhappiness. They shift all the responsibility onto us so now WE look like the bad and crazy one in an effort to shame us into submission. After years of their manipulation, brain-washing and manipulation we actually begin to believe most if not everything is OUR fault. This is the psychological terrorism aspect of the abuse and it makes the target/victim feel unworthy!

11. The BIG BLAME THEORY. Narcissists are the eternal VICTIMS of the WORLD. When a Narcissist is called out for their bad behaviors and dishonesty (accountability), they will play the “woe-be-me” victim. They will plead their case of how THEY were unjustly wronged, as well as claim they’re being unfairly attacked for “standing up for the truth” and having the “courage” to speak out against THEIR abuse and saying we were the abusive one in this relationship. This and the smear campaign is how the Narcissist defends their indefensible behaviors with what I call the “BIG BLAME THEORY.” This allows them to avoid exposure and walk around unnoticed and unscathed to find the next target/victim to extort and abuse. You will find them preaching at their pulpit and telling whomever will listen just how they RAN from abuse, and how good they are and to learn through their experiences and “love is just around the corner”. Nonsense love is NEVER just around the corner after you have been abused – you just don’t walk away from the abuse to enter into another relationship because the destruction is extensive and at every level of your life.

12. Triangulation or Divide and Conquer. This is the process of isolating you from your friends and family. Narcissists accomplish this by putting themselves in the middle of YOUR relationships and making you out to be bad to a friend or family member – and then doing an about face and convincing you that the same family member or friend is gossiping about you behind YOUR back (divide and conquer.) Often, narcissists glibly sneak bad ideas about others into your head. They do this by chipping away at that person’s image subtly and relentlessly every time they mention him or her.

Narcissists are psychologically and emotionally abusive psycho bullies that extort normal and good people for “supply”. Supply is what they take (extort) from us that they can’t get from being whom and what they REALLY are so they shape shift into an amazing person and sneak their way into OUR lives AND hearts with their poisonous “love bombing”. They lack empathy so this PROHIBITS them from any reality as far as it concerns loving another human being or growing in a relationship OR bonding with ANY other person. There is no relationship with a Narcissist because they do not allow any person to express themselves or to be an individual while in their presence – instead they turn them into an OBJECT to use. They attach themselves to our lives to extract everything they need to function normally (as well as every other thing they can take) AND the very things they can’t possibly achieve on their own because of their disordered lives and true delusional self.

You, me, the next victim or anybody else means nothing more or nothing less than another object for the Narcissist to use. Narcissists objectify their targets/victims as well as psychologically terrorize them to gain complete control. Therefore, I use the strongest term for how they extract their supply – THEY EXTORT supply from their targets/victims and hate them in the process as well. This is abuse from day one when they “love bomb” or trick a target/victim into trusting and even loving them so they can take everything we have and then they will simply move onto their next source of supply to extort. They torture their targets/victims psychologically as well as make them feel as much pain, shame and blame as if in an effort to make us one of the “walking dead” like they are. This is a hideous abuse that causes long term emotional/psychological damage to people, families, organizations and all life in general. To coin an old phrase, “Just say No” – that is NO CONTACT and be free again! Greg

Once the Narcissist plants the many seeds of blame/shame into your life, by trying to work through this, you tender it, fertilize it, and allow it to grow – but you compromise yourself AND your relevance in that effort to fix it.

Once the Narcissist plants the many seeds of blame/shame into your life, by trying to work through this, you tender it, fertilize it, and allow it to grow – but you compromise yourself AND your relevance in that effort to fix it.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author -From Charm to harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

They purposely want to isolate and ERASE you with their disabling distortions concerning you. Without resolution or their presence, you are only in a debate with yourself. Along the same lines they will distance and silence you and end up believing that their lack of contact is proof positive that what they have said is real to them and somehow you ARE nothing, the problem and you must sort this out with so many distorted thoughts of your own to bring about some sort of relevancy back – WHEN YOU ARE RELEVANT.

They are subtle with their words that shift blame onto you but they are powerful enough to set this all in motion. They have consistently repeated this scenario with you so many times that the message is firmly planted in your subconscious and it always plays back to you with each and every new argument and it now becomes anxiety that turns into fear – word by word and bit by bit they are erasing/invalidating you. That anxiety becomes imprinted on your mind. You haven’t resolved any of these situations and now there are layer upon layers of these messages that shout out to your conscious way of thinking. EVERYTHING is your fault and you must change who YOU are and you become lost in it all!

So, what do you change because everything is born out of their manipulation, rage and accusations that have no reality, but something is wrong, SO IT MUST BE YOU! In reality you know it isn’t you but SOMETHING is causing the Narcissist to react with all of this disdain. It is your reality now to resolve this and that is what you do by jumping through so many hoops and allowing the dysfunction to FUNCTION.

Almost every target/victim that has been abused by a Narcissist goes through a long and arduous period of emotional denial and invalidation. The denial is based on the emotional connection whatever the relationship is because a target/victim hangs on to the belief that this Narcissist was real and it is very hard to let go of that especially after the CHARM in the beginning of the relationship. A normal person just can’t turn any type of emotions OFF – but a Narcissist can turn it off just as easily as they turned it on because they weaponize emotions as a tool TO MAKE THEIR TARGETS PERFORM FOR THEM! They DON’T bond, care, develop friendships or any relationships OR love because they don’t have the emotions or empathy to support it!

Then ask yourself how many times you had to reassure yourself that everything WOULD be OK if you did this, that or any number of different things – again only compromising who YOU are – the good person with empathy! Also the many important ‘personal’ things concerning your needs that were always dismissed to make and keep this Narcissist happy and it was NEVER enough. How many times were you so confused about crazy statements, arguments, accountability, or the many lies that you probably justified or ignored? What about affairs? Were there any or many? Did you always feel as if you had to explain yourself for most everything you did or said no matter what? Did you feel any sense of normalcy with this person at all? Did you feel like parts of your life had mysteriously disappeared and it isn’t the same as it used to be – or like being ERASED.

You always felt so frustrated in general, confused, anxious, you felt tired or exhausted from day after day of arguments that had no basis, and just the general feeling of unhappiness. Or maybe you feel shabby about yourself or worthless. Is it a feeling like everything has spun out of control in your life and you are WONDERING WHY this has happened! You haven’t done anything different than you have in the past (as it concerned your previous relationships,) but YOU are always working on something or other to get this relationship right! What is the coefficient here? Where is the distress AND stress coming from? Why do you always feel so ANXIOUS and CONFUSED? If you think about this and compile a ‘distress list’ of all of the crazy making and chaos from this relationship it will be hundreds of times longer than a list that would outline the good things that showed this person (the Narcissist) was actually reciprocating in this relationship. That Narcissist was there to TAKE and that is all – and he/she used every emotional and psychological tool to control you.

I think most of us know the root of the problem but trying to get past the emotional stronghold has been the problem and what kept us believing in the huge lie we were living and where we lost ourselves. Through all of this we twisted and tweaked our thoughts so much (performing for the Narcissist) so that we were able to justify most everything in a manner that made us change our behaviors and basic beliefs to meet the needs of this Narcissist so we could keep believing in what we were emotionally and psychologically conned into believing .

We believed that WE could change things to make this relationship right again, but what did we change – ourselves – but AGAIN who was telling us to change and WHY? We took charge of trying to make things right and make changes! We ACCEPTED the blame that was handed to us. We accepted silence to avoid arguments. We accepted lies to avoid hearing the truth. We possibly believed that the more we did would heal all of the problems (performing)! Was it care or love that would heal this? Just exactly what WAS this care or love they returned? Was it totally one sided? Could you even ascertain what this relationship was OR were you always wondering? THERE WAS NO RELATIONSHIP and never will be. It was all about you and I changing or being erased so we would perform to our full potential for this Narcissist. NO/minimal contact to gain our reality that was stolen back again. Greg

You have to actualize that EVERYTHING IS A LIE with a Narcissist in ANY type of relationship with them.

You have to actualize that EVERYTHING IS A LIE with a Narcissist in ANY type of relationship with them. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends hate you, my family hates you, the world hates you, you are worthless, nobody will ever love you, etc.!’ Don’t forget all the other day to day lies, the lies about the affairs, the lies about STUPID stuff, the lies about accountability, the lies about other lies, etc., etc., etc., ETC.!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

BUT you still ask yourself HOW can someone you showed so much love turn around and abuse that love. You also ask yourself WHY would a person con you into believing they loved you do such a horrendous thing so they could extort your life through this fictitious love. You ask yourself how you didn’t see all of this and you question your sanity because you feel that you ALLOWED this to happen. You then start questioning the very things that this Narcissist accused you of and perhaps believing that you do have issues! You question this, that and everything! You question yourself for no viable reason other than trying to reach some sort of understanding EVEN though you now know the truth. But there is no other answer than the truth that this was abuse and this relationship wasn’t real at all and that my friend(s) is just way too difficult to accept.

You have a hard time getting over this relationship and moving yourself away from the hold this Narcissist that is, OR was in your life has on your mind! So now YOU try to work it out in your own head and heart. You keep reaching back into the past searching for something/anything. Are you STILL searching for the answers to those many confusing questions? Probably a resounding YES, but there really is NOBODY there to answer those questions – BUT – there are many messages in your head, so you turn to justifying most everything to resolve what only amounts to abuse. But the reality of the situation that this IS abuse never seems to agree with your heart, emotions, and empathy to form some sort of cohesive agreement or middle ground so you are left with a horrendous burden to shake this off! But again, all of this was based on lies that you believed and now you have to stop believing and that seems to be an insurmountable task! Well, the answer to that is clarity and time now that you are away from the Narcissist and the chaos. Like a normal relationship you have to sort out all of the emotions that formed that bond – or ‘fall out of love’ even though it was a distorted and desperate love.

You have to think back and recall just how uneasy you felt in this relationship, how YOU were continually accepting the negativity that always seemed to be present when you were together. Think about the lies, betrayal, put downs and so many other things that just weren’t normal to a loving relationship. You worked your hardest at rationalizing and justifying this LOVE and continually tried to fix this distorted relationship (love) rather than accepting the truth from your intuition shouting out at you. You STILL keep justifying that it was love and you must have overlooked something or other that could have fixed everything! WHO was making you try so hard to fix this? Who was telling you everything was wrong and it was YOUR fault? Who never put an effort into allowing you to voice normal concerns? Who silenced you over and over again and why? The truth is that this could never have turned out any different than what it did because it was meant to be temporary because EVERYONE has an expiration date with a Narcissist! What about the new supply and how quickly this Narcissist JUMPED right into that relationship! Where is/was the love that you kept fighting for? It was NEVER there in the first place!

Then ask yourself how many times you had to reassure yourself that everything WOULD be OK if you did this, that or any number of different things! Also, the many important ‘personal’ things concerning your needs that were always dismissed to make and keep this Narcissist happy and it was NEVER enough. How many times were you so confused about crazy statements, arguments, accountability, or the many lies that you probably justified or ignored? What about affairs? Were there any or many? Did you always feel as if you had to explain yourself for most everything you did or said no matter what? Did you feel any sense of normalcy with this person after the ‘amazing love’ in the beginning? Did you feel like parts of your life had mysteriously disappeared and it isn’t the same as it used to be. You always felt so frustrated in general, confused, anxious, you felt tired or exhausted from day after day of arguments that had no basis, and just the general feeling of unhappiness. Or maybe you feel horrible about yourself or worthless. Is it a feeling like things have spun out of control in your life and you are WONDERING WHY this has happened!

The bottom line is that you haven’t done anything different than you have in the past (as it concerned your previous ‘normal’ relationships,) but YOU are always working on something or other to get this relationship right! What is the coefficient here? Where is the distress AND stress coming from? Why do you always feel so ANXIOUS and CONFUSED? If you think about this and compile a ‘distress list’ of all of the crazy making and chaos from this relationship it will be hundreds of times longer than a list that would outline the ‘good things’ that this person (the Narcissist) actually reciprocated as far as showing any REAL type of care or love – IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT THEM.

I think most of us know the root of the problem, but trying to get past the emotional stronghold has been the problem and what kept us believing in the huge lie we were living. Through all of this we twisted and tweaked our thoughts so much so that we were able to justify most everything in a manner that made us change our behaviors and basic beliefs to meet the needs of this Narcissist so we could keep believing in what we were conned into believing – this love. We believed that WE could change things to make this relationship right again – but who was telling us to change and WHY? Things DID change but ask yourself ‘WHAT CHANGED?’ The answer is that you changed and lost yourself in all of this and that is not the type of change that should ever happen in ANY relationship. We took charge of trying to make things right and make changes! We ACCEPTED the blame that was handed to us. We accepted silence to avoid arguments. We accepted lies to avoid hearing the truth. We possibly believed that more LOVE would heal! Was it love that would heal this? Just exactly what WAS this love? Was it totally one sided? Could you even ascertain what this relationship was OR were you always wondering? Did anything change like you wanted it to? YES, and again what changed was you, your self-worth, your dignity, your good life that you once knew, and your whole world changed for the worse!

So, to start, you have to conceptualize that EVERYTHING WAS A LIE. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends, hate you, my family hates you, the world hates you, etc.!’ Don’t forget all the other day to day lies, the lies about the affairs, the lies about STUPID stuff, the lies about accountability, the lies about other lies, etc. All of these messages that the Narcissist was basically downloading into your head is all part of their delusional disorder based on LIES that they used to manage you down, gain power over you, and to control you. So, when you refer back to these messages they put in your head and RELATE to them to try to resolve ANY of this, you are only listening to the same delusional lies that got you into this abusive relationship that is now still convincing you that you are to blame, everything bad, and YOU have to accept responsibility here for the demise of this relationship. Those messages were designed to debilitate you and they have – so replaying any of them will still keep you in right in the abuse.

OK – now for the jibber jabber! We are social creatures that bond, live together, seek each other out AND we also follow and create a moral order of what we must do, can do and cannot do. This social order is what defines and regulates how we will interact, defining and protecting individual rights and the ‘normal’ social/moral order. Narcissists know that there is a social/moral order but they don’t abide by any of it and instead they constantly violate it. There is no connection to it whatsoever. But to function in our world they will PRETEND to fit into it and be one of the most respected individuals out there because otherwise they would be deplored by society and nobody would play with them. So like everybody else we bought into their big lie and con job – but unfortunately we did it on a much more personal level that involved MANY distorted messages as well as the disabling lies. Narcissist do this so they can fit in otherwise they wouldn’t be able to extort life as they do. Simply put they are one humungous lie that is designed AND redesigned personally for each new victim. This facde of lies enables them to process and harvest people to get what they need. Basically the ‘façade’ or ‘mask’ theory that we always read about. THEY ARE A BIG LIE – but very believable because they sugar coat the lie with amazing charm to attract us into their world!

YOU are a good and AMAZING person and this Narcissist has tricked you in such a heinous and perverted way and it just doesn’t make sense to a person of empathy that can LOVE. You were raised with morality and standards. You KNOW how to love and trust. You DIDN’T grow up learning that these monsters are out there and basically the total opposite of what love is! You will NEVER feel good about this or reach some sort of realistic closure based on the belief system YOU GREW UP WITH, and as well you shouldn’t have too! BUT unfortunately, there are a few new words in your vocabulary that you have to know and you will have to educate yourself about and process them into your scope of the world. Those words are Narcissist and ABUSE. You have to completely dump the messages and ALL OF THOSE LIES that this Narcissist has used to gain power over you, control you and abuse you. You have to STOP listening to those messages because they were just lies. It takes time to do this because you have spent so much time believing these lies, now you must spend some time disbelieving these lies. There is no guru out there that can offer you anything that will make this magically disappear until you completely get this, so don’t ever look for a quick fix. Educate yourself with good information, understand your enemy and what they did to you. Get healthy and then take a look inward and see what if anything made you available to a Narcissist, THEN set strong and new boundaries. Just DON’T blame yourself as if you deserved this and don’t let others blame you either! You are not worthless or unlovable – you are an amazing human being and never doubt this! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

WHY boundaries and no-contact? Because they will try to come back to gain that power and control over you which equates to pulling you back into the chaos and abuse.

WHY boundaries and no-contact? Because they will try to come back to gain that power and control over you which equates to pulling you back into the chaos and abuse.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

“No contact” is a definite goal and imperative to start on the road to recovery but a process and something that you WILL find yourself desiring because the truth of what they did and who they really are will send you in that direction naturally. No “normal” or self-respecting person, and that means all of us, wants to continue playing with a controlling, manipulative, and sadistic 3 year old tantrum throwing/destructive monster. So nature will take its course once the truth starts revealing itself through educating yourself. Talking and sharing with other targets/victims will give you “ah ha” moments that will amaze you as far as similarity and a pattern that exists with this abuse. OUR VOICES AND WORDS ARE VERY IMPORTANT!

There is a complexity that is involved here and that has to do with what has happened to YOUR psyche through this abuse – and what kept you attached to the relationship because of the emotions that evolved or better yet you were manipulated into believing were real. Without understanding this and educating yourself you continue to fight your emotions/feelings until the truth is apparent. The more you get to know what they’re doing, what they are really like, see it for yourself with your own eyes, the more you observe and journal in your mind, the greater becomes your desire to not inhabit the Narcissist’s planet any longer nor be pulled by the gravity from the Narcissist into abuse.

We must achieve a chaos free life style by removing ourselves from the abuse situation so we can return to a healthy lifestyle. You will take YOUR power back by disallowing them to cycle you back and forth into the abuse, and you will gain clarity to actualize the truth that this was situational abuse. It may not alleviate your thought processes as it concerns your confusion and confounded thoughts immediately, BUT it stops anymore chaos, crazy making, manipulation, betrayal, gas-lighting, etc., being delivered to you from this malignant Narcissist. It gives you the space to let the fog lift so the truth starts lighting up all of the darkness of this abuse. You are your own person once again and this allows you to spend your time inside of your own head and not trying to define yourself through the Narcissists words, actions and abuse.

This realization is the MOST DIFFICULT aspect because you must accept what happened and that is so painful because you must internalize this knowledge and act upon it. Here is the thing the knowledge is basically new to you, even though you have suspected that there is something terribly wrong with them. What is new is that you now realize that there is a name to this and you have been abused by a Narcissist and NONE of this is your fault. This space will give you that opportunity to gain knowledge and education about this abuse as well as the space to find tried and true solutions for YOU.

The process of recovery is even new as far as it concerns the help that is available – we have never had to reach out for this type of help. Our stories are incredulous and people don’t seem to want to hear them, believe them or help us more than a pat on the back. This person may already be in a new relationship and flaunting it in your face depending on what your type of relationship was with them. BUT – no matter what the relationship was you are finding out that your good name and integrity has been smeared to the very people that mean the most to you AND GUESS WHAT – some even believe the lying Narcissist because he/she has so much knowledge of your personal world and is now using it against you. THIS NARCISISST IS SAYING THAT YOU ABUSED THEM. You feel like everywhere you turn there is more and more damage, and more and more things you don’t understand.

One of the most important issues when trying to recover from Narcissistic abuse is our tendency to obsess about the abuser in our life. We tend to believe that while we are left holding all the dark and delusional energy from the relationship and the abuser escaped without any repercussions and with all the goods. We imagine the narcissist to be off walking in the sunset with his/her new love while we are sitting at home suffering depression, apathy, anger and horrific emotional pain, financial loss and psychological issues that they imposed on us. Remember they are still a Narcissist and I would rather recover from their abuse than be one of THEM! THEY DO NOT HAVE EMPATHY – so they DO NOT LOVE, THEY DO NOT BOND with people, and they DO NOT EVER HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP with anybody! Their complete life is an empty void that depends upon them looking for their NEXT and next fix of supply – or the next ‘human object’ to use!

You may go backwards and feel you must contact your Narcissist to fix this once more or validate the relationship and prove to yourself that this could not possibly be true – some will even keep trying to go back over and over and over again. You must not go back and repeat this to try to achieve this validation EVER again because a Narcissist lives for these moments, even enjoying them because it is more supply to themget. They are really validating themselves with your pleas for their acceptance (and love) because they feel powerful having such control over you.

Unfortunately some have to stay in minimal contact and a Narcissist is akin to a shark that will always attack prey. Many ask how minimal contact can work when you have to be in contact because of children or legal issues such as divorce. That is a tough situation BUT you can still turn off your mind to their chaos and abuse and disallow them to pull you backwards by rejecting their control tactics while go through the hideous process of their legal games and control if you have children with them, or they are family.

You will never be able to completely wrap your head around this as in understanding a Narcissist because your empathy will not allow you to EVER acknowledge this, BUT you MUST internalize this was abuse to move you to a higher plane and forget about getting into the head of a Narcissist or ruminating over the past – it was abuse. You were always in question of the reality of this relationship but unfortunately the psychological aspect of their abuse brain-washed you to friend. care, or love them and from there you only plugged in the natural aspects of the human connection with another person in a real way – BUT the ugly truth reared its face as it will always as it concerns your Narcissist with everyone. Education will reinforce what has happened to you and allow you to see that you were not the cause of this abuse. This is a learning process that is laced with anguish and pain but we have to achieve closure and the only way to do so is to reject this Narcissist so completely to allow the truth to repair everything that has been broken in us. YES – to no/minimal contact because it is the ONLY way to start on our road to healing and recovery. Greg

The Narcissist isn’t attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments’ this is how they manage you down to feeling worthless.

The Narcissist isn’t attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments’ this is how they manage you down to feeling worthless. When the Narcissist is conducting a character assassination against someone, the gun the Narcissists shoots never hits one of that person’s REAL flaws, it is shot at you to just wound you enough to disable you with their made-up accusations.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

@ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

As simple as it all sounds the Narcissist’s aim is impeccable as far as it concerns seeking out their prey (or source of supply) and all of us are possible targets. What is the main coefficient here? You, me and the rest of the world. Without us there is no way they can participate in life and achieve supply. They HAVE to live amongst us with a believable reality or facade, but they can’t monitor or better yet control their distorted needs, nor do they even see their destructiveness or perverted lifestyle as dysfunctional because they are too damaged and just don’t care. Everything you offer them be it care or unconditional love is used and abused while they get at what they came for. Unfortunately, that façade and mask slips because they obviously will get caught up in their lies and distortion, so they turn them right back around onto and into us as if we are abusive like them (projection)! They are very efficient abusers as it concerns hiding their reality to get what they want. We have to put ourselves in a position to truly understand that what they were doing was purely manipulation to extort what they needed which amounts to subjugation as it concerns each and every one of their victims – this is situational abuse! There is no real love or commitment as it concerns our time with them and there never will be. Once you get to this realization the pieces fall in place to help you actualize your position as an object that they only extorted and abused!

Think about their attacks on us or how they devalue us. Who does the Narcissist call a liar? The honest person and usually that means you and me, but who is the real liar – the Narcissist? Who does The Narcissists say is bad, dangerous and the abusive person? Well again the good person that actually cares for them and probably loves them and that is us again. They will put themselves before their own biological children and family, and that speaks so loudly about how disordered they really are! Remember though they are quite talented at what they do and they have all of this down to an art form so their talent for farce is so great that MANY people mistake the Narcissist for stoic and astute as we have all done – in other words they basically get away with murder! They are working that image for sure and hanging onto that mask for dear life. But in that definition, just remember that their insecurity is so intense that they have to seek out many mirrors (people) to see that amazing reflection they FALSELY create as well as constantly reinforcing their big facade or the big lie of what and who they really are. They have no room for anything else in their lives other than keeping that façade and themselves viable and alive with their agenda – but it is not plausible because they are so out of control that they always get caught up in their own game. You can only fake it for so long!

So many times, we see ourselves as foolish for falling for their lies and façade. But put some thought into this, EVERYONE falls for their façade, even their minions, or the naysayers that find our stories too incredulous to believe. Narcissists are out there and everywhere and they abuse people in every aspect of their life. They ARE amazing liars, con artists and abusers. So, is everyone else as foolish for not seeing through the Narcissist’s façade too? So, if we are to accept foolishness then the rest of the world must join in accepting their role as also being FOOLED by the Narcissist’s grand façade! Seriously we are not fools we were FOOLED or conned just like everybody else!

So, let’s examine what they really are. A Narcissist has the mental capacity of a child with no sense of measure or moderation. A Narcissist is more dangerous with their thoughts and mouth than an angry child throwing a tantrum because they want what they want and WHEN they want it. They will spew out some poison about someone as easily and naturally as we take a breath of air if they don’t get their way. Remember a Narcissist only loves themselves and there is NO room for anything else but seeking out people or supply to reinforce their lame façade like a child that wants every toy it sees. They have no normal human relationships because they can only relate to people as objects (toys). A Narcissist will even project chaos off of their own children as thoughtlessly as they would anybody else that stands directly in front of them and that is just too unnatural as it concerns the human condition of bonding and love yet alone what they do to family or anybody that loves them, cares for them, or ‘friends’ them! Since a Narcissist has the mental capacity of a little child, the only reign they have on their OWN behavior is what they feel they can get away with. So, the more the Narcissist gets away with the more repressed guilt (abuse) they have to purge onto some poor target/victim.

This is why you eventually end up devalued and discarded. This creature doesn’t have any expertise in any realm of human relationships or loving anyone. It is only a matter of time that their mask slips and their true disdain and hatred for the VERY connection they forced on you/us surfaces. Their real disconnection with people is their reality and it ALWAYS sends them off in another direction to find new people to feed their many needs and lifestyle – BUT NONE OF THEM MEAN ANYTHING MORE THAN THE OTHER (objectification)! They have to seek out more viable supply to get that high back because they CAN’T participate in real intimacy and let it grow and they only FAIL at it miserably. Unfortunately, they have convinced us that we are at fault and we internalize it as the reality of our situation. They are fighting a battle with themselves that demands putting their full attention to their false mask and fortress, and the only way to accomplish this is to always have that strong adulation and admiration they need or constant VARIETY – otherwise they would IMPLODE. Remember that old saying, “variety is the spice of life,” and the Narcissist lives by this. This is not an excuse by any means because they have the same ability to turn it around in a positive fashion by making positive changes but they are happy the way they are. ALSO, remember they will stay as long as you allow them to, but you will lose yourself completely!

Look at their daily lives, the Narcissist is more than likely to totally discredit someone he/she owes gratitude, because needing help damages the Narcissist’s perfect image. So, the Narcissist repays help as though it were an insult – or basically every interaction with them is perceived as a threat. They must devalue it by devaluing the giver of it by making them a contemptible person that is incapable of really helping someone as grand and perfect as they are. The Narcissist’s world is surrounded by knocking people down and using them as stepping stones to get to their desired source of newer and continued supply or to a better place that serves THEM. You will NEVER be able to pass on anything real or good to a Narcissist without it being managed down because they will not allow you to have ANY sense of worth.

On a personal note, I remember a conversation with my Narcissist. There was an argument of course, and I was told that I NEVER CARED or LOVED this Narcissist as I should have. Seriously I could have given this Narcissist every one of my internal organs and they would still want more and accuse me of not caring. It is just their nature and what they are AND you can NEVER fulfill all of their ‘needy needs.’ I tried to logically explain how I was there for this Narcissist after their chaotic divorce and substance abuse problem and the truth is that I WAS there out of concern and love. The Narcissist turned it all around like a child and said, “well you never came over and let my dog out and really helping me out like so and so!” Just a side note ‘Mr. So and So’ was a ‘play’ friend that the Narcissist described as a thief that stole from elderly people but was now praising him to manage what I did down to nothingness. SO, truth be told I never did drive over to take the dog out but I spent every one of my nights on the phone with this Narcissist for 3 to 4 hours for months listening until they recovered. I was also available to the Narcissist’s Mom to help out in any manner I could too (I was asked to help!) You will never understand yet alone reconcile ANY of their actions or destructive words and unfortunately you HAVE to reconcile this all based on the REAL truth as only you know it now and that is that they are not fully functioning human beings.

So, the BIGGER picture, when a Narcissist projects slander onto their targets/victims, they have two objectives. One is projection of course BUT the other is to “dirty a bright spot in your character” with whatever slander they are projecting at you to manage you down. It’s as though any shiny part of your image diminishes the glow of their grand façade and that just pisses that destructive inner child off. You can never be anything but inferior to them. This is of course the mentality of the Narcissistic terrorist, who must tear other people’s integrity down and ultimately harm OR destroy them to prove their distorted existence or omnipotence.

Projection and smearing at the same time is a work of art for the Narcissist, and it is uncanny how Narcissists manage to accomplish it. It’s all in the way their words are carefully placed, because not only do they ditch one of their faults, they muddy up one of your virtues in the process until they eradicate all of your goodness. They are so glib and amazingly adept at “killing two birds with that one stone.” But understand and remember this, the Narcissist isn’t attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments.’ Consequently, when the Narcissist is conducting a smear campaign or character assassination against someone, the gun the Narcissists shoots never hits one of that person’s real flaws, it is shot at you to just wound you enough to disable you with one of their ‘made up’ accusations. Believe me they will keep shooting and wounding you in the hopes of completely crippling you as time goes by because they have to remain superior and in charge.

Now the Narcissist’s false image contains the virtuous qualities stolen from other people’s characters – the good things you and I do. Believe me they take these virtues along with them after we are long gone, they have to because they have none of their own so they have to steal them as well as our identity. Our good images and virtuous qualities replace the flaws in the Narcissist’s character and they recycle them. In other words, the Narcissist steals your virtues and dumps their flaws and faults onto you! Again, in doing so, the Narcissist is stealing your identity, or pulling an identity switch. UNFORTUNATELY, we don’t have the scope or education when this is happening so we are always caught up in the reaction and not seeing the real picture!

It is just ‘Narcissistic magic’ or an illusion created with nothing but words, and they seamlessly trick or warp everyone’s normal perceptions, but like everything else about them it is all about manipulation, lies, and lying. For example: let’s say that the Narcissist is stingy and one of your great virtues is that you are outstanding for your generosity. He/she hates the glow of that shiny spot in your character, because it serves to foil the Narcissist’s stinginess, making it more noticeable by contrast. So, the Narcissist muddies your image and glorifies their image by misappropriating your generosity to themselves and misappropriates their stinginess into you. Think back to how this always seemed to come into constant play during the time you spent with them. They were continually managing you down to only discard you when it was time for them to just move on to someone else and leaving you feeling completely WORTHLESS. What did you do that was really wrong? You know the answer to this and that is absolutely nothing at all. You must completely internalize the truth to light your way to recovery!

What this does is tangles us up more and more in their crazy circus lifestyle. Remember that their projection is positive and negative – so of course just more manipulation in a different context with a scope of mixed messages. Try training a dog in the manner a Narcissist trains us. It would be like us standing in front of that beautiful and loving pup and repeating the words, good, bad, good, bad, constantly and in succession. That loving pup would be wagging its tail, then drooping its ears so much so that they would have no perspective or scope of life with you. In turn, we start our own projecting back to our Narcissist. Not in any manner similar to what they project onto us. But remember the Narcissist is training us like a dog to make us do tricks. So, we learn that by showing more affection, being so good to them, or loving them before ourselves, we get our just reward. Basically, we are reacting and in doing so we project a ‘happy face’ when inside we are conflicted, confused, manipulated, betrayed and demeaned. It is absolutely dehumanizing and subjugation pure and simple.

A Narcissist will use every opportunity to mirror as much adoration out of us as they can. In turn, they will demean us at the same time basically making us beg for some sense of reality and POSITIVE attention from them. Remember the good puppy, bad puppy explanation above! You will often see a target/victim seeming so co-dependent or correcting things the Narcissist has muddied up in the Target/victim’s life. What is our part in all of this? We are always trying to correct a situation that inevitably is a dead end. Are we just a means for them to see their awesome image as well as a garbage container for them to dump all of their toxic garbage into? Yes, basically we are just that and we MUST internalize these messages and accept the sad but true reality of our situation with them!

OK, so the point to all of this was to help you understand some of the mechanics so that you will hopefully release from that blame and shame that the Narcissist dumped into your head that this was your fault, or you are worthless, have mental health issues, etc. You don’t deserve to carry a debt for the time you spent with this person. You ARE a normal and loving human being that is equipped with empathy and you proved that all along. Do you ever remember feeling like this before you got involved with this Narcissist? NO, unless you were with another Narcissist. You didn’t magically go from a good person to an insensitive, non-caring person that could do nothing right in this crazy and debilitating relationship. You are not crazy or insane either. You were abused by a very defective person that ultimately managed you down more and more until eventually you lost sight of the real you. You will become the real person you once were because unlike the Narcissist WE ARE ABLE TO CHANGE. You were disabled by the extreme tactics used on you. With introspection, time, support and real love, you can and will turn this around. It is time for you to BELIEVE in yourself completely and discard everything and anything about what this Narcissist made you believe about yourself. They were a nightmare in your life, and now that you are awake and free from them it is time to put the real perspective or truth back into your reality that you are a normal and amazing person that has the tools to become whole again. PLEASE no/minimal contact to start you out on that road to recovery! Greg

Narcissists use triangulation on a regular basis to shore up their fake image through compartmentalizing people – this keeps their lies hidden from one person to the next.

Narcissists use triangulation on a regular basis to shore up their fake image through compartmentalizing people – this keeps their lies hidden from one person to the next.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Triangulation is just another tool the Narcissist uses to create a powerful and seductive bond over their targets (and everybody else in the target/victim’s immediate world). Narcissists use triangulation on a regular basis to shore up their fake image through compartmentalizing people – this keeps their lies hidden from one person to the next because they come with MANY stories about who they are and none of them are real. Remember they are doing this with everyone AND putting that wedge in between people with a bit of their back-stabbing – again to compartmentalize people or divide and conquer. They triangulate your family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, ex partners (if they have anything to do with them,) and yes potential new supply (but they usually do that on the side so we are none the wiser.) Whatever the situation they will triangulate so this even happens within the Narcissist’s own family structure and with their friends, etc. They are essentially triangulating everybody to stay in charge and control of their immediate world – or that ‘compartmentalization.’

The Narcissist is basically grooming others WITH a deceptive agenda – DIVIDE AND CONQUER. They feel such an intense high or euphoria when they play people against each other, ESPECIALLY when it becomes a competition for them to gain adulation/adoration. Narcissists will absolutely manufacture situations to make you jealous and question their connection with you, relationship, and even fidelity in a so-called love connection. They will even make you think that the people closest to you are talking behind your back. The Narcissist will present the allegations as a concern of course to minimalize the real agenda to put wedges in between you and the people closest to you. The reverse is also true because the Narcissist will go to the people closest to you and make them believe you have said things about them as well – AND only out of concern of course! This basically isolates you from the people closest to you and forces you to become dependent on the concerned Narcissist. Pure deception that destroys you as well as your integrity.

When you are going through this it is never apparent because so many levels of this abuse is circling around all of your thoughts that you never have the time to think anything through with any sense of reality or realizing the real truth that what they say is just more of their ‘crazy making!’ Triangulation is basically pitting YOU against a false situation AND people to make you feel that you just don’t meet up with the Narcissist’s expectations or what they expect of you as well as making you feel worthless as compared to some of the very people that you care for in your life. It is the process of managing what you do or have done down through the Narcissist’s incredulous and fake stories to make everything and everybody seem so much better than you OR anything you do for them. BUT that Narcissist being a shrewd manipulator also does this to keep people in their required compartments to keep their lies safe. A Narcissist NEVER wants people to meet up and talk about them or else they would be totally busted when people compare notes.

Triangulation is also woven tightly into the discard phase. They will particularly use it openly when they make the decision to abandon you. This is when they will begin speaking openly and freely about how much this relationship with YOU hurt or destroyed them, and they CAN’T deal with your horrible behavior anymore – AND they are broadcasting it to everyone. They will even mention (to us) about talking to a close friend/family about the relationship and going into great detail about how they both agreed that the relationship wasn’t healthy at all (and our fault.) They are blatantly sending you messages about your worthlessness and blaming you by backing it up with a third party. You will be amazed at their conjectures of what you have done wrong and you only ask yourself why the Narcissist never spoke to you in a realistic manner about these crazy issues or even gave you the consideration to understand they felt this way and were moving on. After all you were part of the relationship, weren’t you? None of it was or is real and just part of the bigger game that always kept you confused and isolated. Now that they have found new supply and it is just more lies and avoidance to manage you down completely and disable you. NEVER ANY CLOSURE just a hit and run attack! We were not any part of a normal and conventional relationship and we never were meant to be. It was just our turn as supply and after the harvest or extortion the Narcissists has moved on to newer and abundant supply!

In the end we HAVE to internalize the truth even as hard as it is to do so – but the truth will set us free. The sad reality is that this becomes clear once you are well on your way to recovery, so it is a process. If we would have understood this in the beginning we would not have suffered through the abuse. BUT real information is necessary to move forward so you become clear and CAN recover. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! After the discard you are dealing with so many corrupt messages meant to only abuse AND control you more and more into a submissive role. The role is basically to silence you by making you out to be the ‘crazy one’ or the troublemaker so the Narcissist avoids exposure. Very much of the destruction that the Narcissist inflicts on us is ALWAYS done well in advance before we are aware of their real motives during the discard phase. They will keep pulling you into the crazy making to use as more proof that you are only obsessed and crazy by turning it all around. My Narcissist kept it up for a year after I decided I was done. Begging me, pleading with me, to stay, etc., and then turning it around if it was me doing the begging and pleading. This Narcissist would ask why I was saying such horrible things and would deny EVER saying anything negative about me. What a huge joke, this Narcissist said these negative things in so many emails/text messages, and I heard it from people all around me. It was some smear campaign, BUT again it must have been me misinterpreting EVERYTHING – nope it was the truth! Even when there is absolute proof staring them in the face they will still lie and deny! I had the clarity to establish ‘no contact’ and THEN and only then was I able to accept all of the distorted truths that I met up with a real monster! Don’t stay stuck to this monster because you will only remain a puppet to their disordered and abusive agenda. No/minimal contact to live and love again.

Whatever that Narcissist has said to you that has deeply hurt you or wounded you is NOT a real observation, it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you, define you, and gain control over you.

Whatever that Narcissist has said to you that has deeply hurt you or wounded you is NOT a real observation, it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you, define you, and gain control over you.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists are masters at putting a spin on the truth, using extreme manipulation, and playing mind games to get what they want. They play to win and get the rewards from the investment they put into scamming a new person, then it is a matter of functionality and survival in their world to avoid detection of who and what they really are so they destroy all the evidence or basically the person they abused! That in itself says a lot because they obviously know what they do is WRONG! They are VERY poor losers and if they don’t completely win they will react in a fit of rage and terrorize the person they are already victimizing. The only way for any person to win is to not play in any of their games once you realize the truth of how disordered and dangerous they are. Unfortunately, they don’t play fair in the first place and they trick you in and drag you into their delusional game to get WHAT THEY WANT!

Everyone to the Narcissist is in reality their opponent, UNFORTUNATELY nobody realizes that they are playing a game with the Narcissist and that is where the Narcissist gains the advantage or has the upper hand! The Narcissist is playing this game for themselves so they can deflect you from seeing the reality or avoiding the truth about what they really are – they DO NOT self-reflect, they self-DEFLECT. They do this with the expectation that they won’t have to take responsibility for their behavior. Narcissists do not take responsibility for their own actions instead they deflect by blaming, shaming, projection, denial, etc. You will do what you have always done-forgive the Narcissist, make excuses for the Narcissist’s behavior, claim the Narcissist couldn’t help themselves because of a bad day, or justifying their destructive behaviors through your empathy and love AND that will ultimately fail you completely.

You bend and bend until you almost snap in half when you try to give them the benefit of the doubt. It keeps you in a cycle that deflects away from their reality and distorts YOUR reality in turn and puts the burden onto and into you and becomes your new normal. You never have an opportunity to be an individual, nor see how they are actually pulling the wool over your eyes because of the MANY levels of confusion and diversion they use to process you into that role with them. They are betraying every aspect of your life and you are too busy babysitting their every whim and trying to fix things once again. They know how to confound and confuse their targets/victims, as well as condition and manipulate them through their temper tantrums, anger, rage, managing them down, or punishing and silencing if you don’t play exactly the way they want you to! You HAVE to stop wanting to play the ‘game’ with them and eventually they WILL run away to find a new playmate and that is the miracle that will actually save your life.

The Narcissist is a master of FAKE emotions and empathy with a phony façade and life to match. They appear to take you in, care about you, understand everything you are experiencing, and they appear to genuinely put themselves in your shoes to understand “YOU” with acceptance and unconditional love. They observe and react with that resounding smile, approval, and unconditional care and love. All of this causes you to let your guard down and truly believe there is a genuine give-and-take in your relationship and a love that exists that is just for you. It is overwhelming to meet someone that is so much like you, so connected to your thoughts, and so reactive to meet your every need that you BELIEVE in them completely. BUT once they gain your trust they will pounce on you. They wait until you are perfectly comfortable with them and your guard is completely down or even perhaps having a low moment in your life and now the time has come to manage you down and to control you to manage the business at hand or secure the supply they came for.

What would you do if you were completely void of love and empathy, how would you interact in the normal world? Without emotions or the ability to bond you would have to control people to trap them into your defective world so you could essentially fit in and get/take what you need that you can’t accomplish on your own. Narcissists perfectly execute an emotional and psychological attack on their victim because their purpose is to wear you down, to humiliate you, and make you feel small and inferior and dependent on them OR again control. A Narcissist is not going to allow you to have feelings for YOURSELF and they are going to make you believe you are selfish and wrong for wanting ANY attention. There is no such thing as YOUR needs or individuality and they basically erase your personality bit by bit. They want what they want and they have invested their time to mold you into a viable source of supply. Narcissists do not tolerate individuality because people are objects for them to use as they see fit. There is nothing more here than their agenda coming to fruition and you have to understand that THIS IS ALL IT WAS. Predator after their prey using camouflage to hide the truth to trap you – or that façade and mask. The simple truth is that a person that cannot relate to emotions or empathy cannot relate to another human being in the smallest way.

A Narcissist ALWAYS loves to make you feel that YOU are crazy, especially if you try to confront them, make them accountable, bring up past issues or behaviors, or expose them when they are doing something appalling or lying. Basically, YOU are told that you have an over active imagination, you don’t know what you are talking about, they have NO idea what you are talking about, or that you are simply making things up to cause problems and all of this is done to deflect from the reality of WHO THEY ARE. They’ll tell you that it is obvious that YOU are the one who is crazy (and tell you that everyone around you agrees with them about you being crazy). FURTHERMORE, they will claim not to remember any of these events, even flatly deny that they ever happened, and will NEVER accept the possibility that they might have forgotten. Your perceptions of normalcy and reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your own intuition, memory, processing your thoughts, or reasoning, AND constantly confused. The Narcissist is a master at spinning everything and deflecting to remain in control and keeping you vulnerable – this defines control!

The Narcissist will up the game to include destroying your soul, your ego, your accomplishments and any belief system you have to completely manage you down to feeling worthless. The way the game is played is for them to try to turn everything about you and everything you do, into a complete failure. The Narcissist has the reasoning of a child – but they act out like a controlling, demanding, and demeaning parent (more so toxic). No matter what your real age, you are never allowed to reach a viable emotional age with them especially one that allows for your individuality or growth with them – this is especially evident in children that were raised by a Narcissistic parent. You will always be treated like a stupid child, a bad child, a silly child, etc., and you will always be reprimanded and put in your place to honor them completely and NEVER question them! Consistent managing down is what all of this amounts to!

Everything with a Narcissist is competitive and every life situation is a competition that requires “one-upmanship”, to beat their opponent. It always involves a “payoff” for the Narcissist that is ALWAYS about them getting something or extorting everything they can and devaluing and hurting you somehow too. They feel superior within their ability to con, control, and destroy. Again, their delusional world is like a battleground with them against us because everybody and everything is a threat – be it real or perceived. They keep track of real AND imaginary things you do, have done, or might do. It is a reactionary relationship with them BUT you are the one that always has to explain your every word and action to them and made accountable when you are not serving their every whim and need! This is how they condition you and this is what they want – to CONTROL YOU.

Lastly what supports their lies is complete DENIAL. It is important to recognize that the Narcissist will never acknowledge that any games are being played AND the important point here is that it is up to YOU to stop playing. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to fix them, the situation or heal them! You will always be told you are wrong, they are right, and that you are in need of some serious help. You can’t get them to acknowledge or take responsibility for their words or actions because they will always say they didn’t do it or it never happened. They have to or else face real accountability and retribution for their actions and then their gig would be up, so they deflect with more lies, more manipulation, and punishing, silencing and abusing you! They will destroy you completely to avoid exposure.

The main point here is that what I described is a Narcissist and how they abuse. They are not fully functioning human beings. They do not connect on ANY level with human beings except to use them as supply. We can describe this as a superficial relationship, but it goes far beyond superficial because it is a toxic and destructive relationship that will completely drain you and disable you and your belief system. Your responsibility is to get your ‘ah ha’ moment and understand that they are the defective ones that emotionally and psychologically inflicted some deep wounds that have severely affected your psyche. BUT that is where you start on your road to recovery. There is another type of healing that involves your personal emotional wounds that the Narcissist sourced out and used against you. Healing involves you and only you closing all of those wounds permanently through your personal journey or recovery!

Whatever that Narcissist has said to you that has deeply hurt you or wounded you is NOT a real observation, it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you and define you. They were so supportive in the beginning, but that was also to gain your trust and the knowledge of your weaknesses to use against you. You opened up your amazing heart along with all of your wounds and gave them the opportunity to find any and all of your weaknesses AND they were looking for them. They DO NOT have the ability to understand pain, sorrow, being vulnerable or apply empathy – they only want access to your weaknesses to use them against you or to CONTROL you. This is what we have to heal within us or those weaknesses that they have constantly pointed out because they are real and within us and now they have made them come to the surface so much so that we lost our worth and trusting our own reality. They are master game players and used their keen perception to always be on top of their game. They took these weaknesses and embellished them to even make you think you were mentally ill and even fear yourself and your way of thinking. It is a very sick game that these Narcissists play, BUT it is a game that requires other players and you have to totally opt out of participating! They will attack you at any and every level they can, even making fun of you physically and they can be VERY cruel! You will ask why and how can they do this – well again because they have no empathy, no care, no connection, no bond, no morals, and no love for any other human being – they are personality disordered AND they were after something and that is your complete answer. Please internalize and KNOW this! ALSO, please understand that you still ARE that amazing person and this was situational or abuse and you will recover with knowledge, education and support. No/minimal contact to start out on your journey to recovery! Greg

There is never a REAL issue with a solution with a Narcissist – it is always and only the creation and continuance of the issue to maintain the chaos and control!

There is never a REAL issue with a solution with a Narcissist – it is always and only the creation and continuance of the issue to maintain the chaos and control! A little education on the subtle, slow effective day to day gas-lighting tactics of a Narcissist that disables our LOGIC, spirit and self-esteem. Narcissists are gatherers of information that they will distort it in every possible way to DAMAGE and destroy their targets/victims confidence and self-esteem or basically erasing their victim’s personality!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist has successfully developed deceptive and shrewd communication skills/actions that basically invalidate and manipulate our own perceptions about ourselves and distort all logic and reasoning – this is called gas-lighting and it renders OUR communication with them useless because they are looking for that reaction from us to further diminish us. All interpersonal communication becomes twisted, and an opportunity to make us feel invalidated, wrong and basically worthless. This within itself is often overlooked (the subtle abuse) but it is as dangerous as any of their other tools in the arsenal of Narcissistic abuse! DON’T ENGAGE with them!

Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there.

They attack your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to “push your buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.”

Basically they weaponize words as well as use the familiarity they gained from CHARMING us into trusting them to seek out our weaknesses. Very tricky creatures — using their well placed words to gain our hearts and trust first and then they sneak into our heads afterwards to seek out our secrets, fears, and insecurities and weaponize those to use against us.

They are very unpredictable with their day to day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable/normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos and gas-lighting!).

This behavior is damaging and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you – that is the plan!. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused and controlled waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO act so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is control to keep you constantly disabled.

They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain CONTROL over you. Be it making fun of us, belittling us, criticizing us, name calling, screaming at us, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making us the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you. They must have control over all people to basically hide the truth of WHO THEY ARE – and will resort to whatever works tp maintain that control over their targets/victims. There is never an issue with a solution – it is always and only the continuance of the issue to maintain the chaos and control!

Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above) – somewhere you are LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.

Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!

A Narcissist doesn’t acknowledge individuality or even like other people (remember we are just objects to use.) Along with this premise the Narcissist doesn’t care about being liked – THEY DEMAND to be admired, feared, and favored, (as well as completely extorting their targets to get supply.) They don’t care about getting along with people, and a Narcissist is no more capable of considering the consequences of their actions than a rock would. There is no consideration for anybody or anything with a Narcissist and nothing is ever about whatever it REALLY is, instead it is always all about their omnipotence, superiority or ego instead or their fake façade. They HAVE to exploit EVERY single interaction with us to gratify THEIR needy ego at your ego’s expense or even DESTRUCTION. There’s no end to it. It’s exasperating and you never get through that brick wall a Narcissist throws up in front of you constantly, so always remember how much time you have tried to break down barriers to “fix” things. Everything would just bounce back to you as more blame and shame from the Narcissist. It was a relationship that was meant to deny you every bit of gratification or any “giving” from the Narcissist and instead “taking” every bit of gratification (supply) they could for their vast needy void.

This abuse is akin to being a prisoner of war with brain-washing, gas-lighting, extreme manipulation of facts, or psychological terrorism. Some of those areas that become affected are; our attention span, our day to day memory, how we process things in our daily life, our long/short term memory, how we see and hear things AND our logic and reasoning abilities. AGAIN, this is basically brain-washing in an effort to slowly but methodically break us down and render us useless as an independent thinking and speaking being – Narcissist do not allow individuality because they are cruel dictators. This is what describes the abuse, and this is what is damaging to the target/victim’s well-being as far as it concerns the psychological abuse that is imposed on you/us. The most striking aspect of this is that it is dealt to us in a slow and insidious manner like being around a slowly leaking and poisonous gas that has no apparent smell so we don’t know the danger we are in because we take it in slowly and when we finally realize, the damage is already done.

The effects of these techniques persist even after the Narcissist has left the relationship. In fact, the influence of their mind control can last for years and it is surprisingly frequent that a narcissist will contact a previous target/victim and the target/victim will happily start up the relationship again, thinking that this time will be different, because the Narcissist has promised this – well they will only step up the game to trick you and drag you back into the abuse! The ONLY way is to go NO/minimal contact by DISCARDING this toxic Narcissist comp0letely from your life – from there you CAN begin healing to get back to a healthy life. Greg

Narcissists are so insecure and malicious that they are ALWAYS on the defensive to control their environment because they KNOW what they are doing so they MUST protect themselves from being exposed as the abuser they are!.

Narcissists are so insecure and malicious that they are ALWAYS on the defensive to control their environment because they KNOW what they are doing so they MUST protect themselves from being exposed as the abuser they are!.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

They are ALWAYS ahead of the game! A Narcissist has been betraying you all along with backstabbing and triangulation to constantly be in control. They do this for various reasons but basically to divide and conquer as well as to destroy the victims they abuse by discrediting them FIRST.

So the TRUTH and the real lesson about a Narcissist: Again the Narcissist creates the grand illusion of a “special bond,” “a relationship,” or “love” for those whom he/she finds most useful at any given moment. This interprets as those who enhance his/her reputation, or help him/her lure or procure other sexual partners, or offer him/her money, property, status, etc. For those unlucky individuals that the Narcissists fosters a relationship with it is really to isolate and target us for the time being to drain us of whatever it is that Narcissist is after, and they hoard over (isolate) us until they have gotten all they can get. Everyone who sees through the Narcissist’s mask of insanity or exposes his/her lies becomes an “enemy” in the Narcissist’s eyes, and therefore a target of his/her hatred and will be devalued and destroyed!

Their life boils down to an accumulation of targets/victims, sexual partners, and whatever property gains they manage to extort. As many spouses know Narcissists will have children with them as well, and sometimes children to other spouses or partners. It is sort of like a collection of human beings for the Narcissist or better yet objects that have no emotional depth or the chance of a worthwhile life with this Narcissist acting like a real parent. Malignant Narcissist are so heartless and callous that they reject their own children, once they devalue and discard the target/victim spouse. BUT they will portray themselves as the BETTER spouse that is a complete care giver to these children, often taking credit for things the abused spouse has done in reality.

So the truth here is that their abuse is absolute and fundamental to the Narcissist’s survival in the real world. The Narcissist can’t change and, most importantly, they DON’T want to change. They inhabit a fantasy world which becomes reality for them and those they manage to brainwash. There is no reality or truth for any person that resides in their world. It is a train wreck waiting to happen and there are always many victims. In their world the truth and falsehood only holds a weak instrumental meaning as they apply it to any situation and there is absolutely no morality contained in any of their thoughts or actions.

We must imprint this message in our minds that at the core of the Narcissist’s psychopathy is a mindset governed by their grandiosity, lack of empathy for others, and a grand sense of entitlement and superiority that places them above laws and morality. The Narcissist grossly overestimates their abilities and accomplishments and underestimates the complete being of their target/victim. Simply put, the Narcissist should be able to do anything they wish, however harmful and destructive, because the Narcissist is better than others. In the Narcissist’s mind, by making us a part of their wonderful life by mere association with them, he/she passes on to us this grandiosity as if they are royalty and that is our reward. It is ridiculous and repulsive that they can believe this nonsense and more akin to pompousness and arrogance. There is only one way with a Narcissist – their way and we must reject that and get as far away from them as we can or be pulled down deeper and deeper into their psychopathy to the point that it can drive us to the point of disparity or insanity. No/minimal contact to BREAK the cycle of their abuse always. Knowledge and education about this abuse is imperative to starting on your road to recovery! Greg

AND the Emmy Award for the best actor/actress goes to ………. the Malignant Narcissist for their realistic role (façade) PORTRAYING that they have empathy, can care, can bond, be a friend, a good parent, a co-worker, a husband/wife, and a person that can love another human being!

AND the Emmy Award for the best actor/actress goes to ………. the Malignant Narcissist for their realistic role (façade) PORTRAYING that they have empathy, can care, can bond, be a friend, a good parent, a co-worker, a husband/wife, and a person that can love another human being!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

You, me and most of the world mistake what ‘drives’ the Narcissist’s as real emotions, care, friendship, bonding, empathy, and love BUT it was purely manipulation and a hideous betrayal to make us TRUST them and believe in the big ‘CON JOB!’ The Narcissist dances the relationship dance with you giving the appearance of being motivated by some form of relationship and having the same direction to pursue this relationship as you have.

They talk the talk, walk the walk, and speak the words (really lies) of love and fidelity which reassures and confirms that you both are on the same page AND it is LOVE. Meanwhile, they feel a complete aversion to any real intimacy. They are not connecting to you on any earthly emotional level, but you are completely unaware of this and the real distance and dysfunction that defines their ‘personality disorder’ – well at least not yet. No, they are after something very different than what you are after. They are seeking out a full or part-time candidate to serve them, but they will also have other part-timers on the side providing and fulfilling many other services. In time when you leave them or are discarded AND amazed that they have moved on so quickly, you have to realize that they didn’t move on they just moved over a little bit to another source of supply that was probably always there. They are like the Pied Piper that plays that magical flute that seduces all types of people to follow him/her wherever the Pied Piper wants them to go. You are not even aware of the other people that are right there with you because all you hear is that magical tune.

That grandiose, omnipotent and false self is nothing but a concocted and ever-changing role or facade the Narcissist creates so that they fit into our world like puzzle pieces. They create different roles to match the needs of the next AND the next person that they are conning into their world. We are only a reflection in the Narcissist’s many mirrors that reflect that grand image back to them and makes them feel real. The Narcissist is incapable of feeling, or experiencing emotions, love, growth or any human dynamic that involves any type of relationship with another. Relationships to them are a means to an end and that is basically extracting supply or conning people into believing they are real participants so the Narcissist can extort what they can OR use a particular person to gain something that they need. The Narcissist has fully mastered this dynamic or process of conning the world with the ever-changing charades they play with life because the payoff is huge and the only way they can survive in the REAL world. Their image is also important in this process so they APPEAR to be normal, moral and good because they have to keep their personal demons at bay through their projection or the real ugly projection that defines them! They are really great actors that take on whatever role will benefit them the most as far as a payoff! You and I are only bit players that support that role and make them look good until they find that NEW role and new players.

Narcissists will take advantage of any vulnerability using shame, guilt, and fear to make a target feel worthless by highlighting or embellishing the simple insecurities they may have. This could even be done in a manner where the Narcissist will make fun of the target/victim’s physical attributes in a cruel overt manner.

A Narcissist’s actions, promises or reality in every situation are totally out of alignment. They ALWAYS say one thing and do another. For example, they preach morality BUT they have no morals and act on their impulses regularly. They may PRETEND to follow a religious doctrine and praise themselves for religious values but actually possess NONE of these values whatsoever. In actuality they ARE the very sinners that they are denouncing, preaching about, and pointing fingers at. They will condemn YOU for the very things they are doing and always leaving you with your jaw dropping to the ground wondering what they are accusing you of and why they are doing it.

Now, in the end YOU will be blamed for the truth – the truth that you uncover that they are ONE HUGE lie all wrapped up in that façade and hidden behind that mask. Narcissists are ALWAYS the victim and very adept at shifting blame to all others for everything that is wrong and never consider how they contribute to and cause the issues and their own unhappiness. They shift responsibility to make you seem bad and crazy in an effort to shame you into submission. They will punish you for their own offenses as well – that is what we are “employed” for by the Narcissist. We are here to serve them, save them, take care of their every need, change their diapers, accept all of their faults as if they are our own, allow them to betray us and accept it as well as be blamed for it, we must allow them to extort everything they can from us, and we are not allowed to view any of this as anything but a privilege to be in their company. If we follow all of these rules we are allowed to have a connection with them and even love them but we must also pay the price for this wonderful relationship by being stripped of our integrity, self-esteem and driven to insanity from their delusional abuse.

The emotionally unavailable behavior of a Narcissists quite clearly points to the fact that this is a relationship that is totally one-sided and DESTRUCTIVE. The façade to cover up the Narcissist’s delusional and harmful aspects describes the reality of the destruction and damage they impart onto their targets/victims. They blow hot and cold in their relationships, they’re self-centered, they have an entitlement mentality and they don’t take responsibility for any of their actions AT ALL, and they have NO EMPATHY at all. They have difficulty forming attachment bonds with others and tend to have huge emotional walls built because of their disorder that doesn’t allow any real bonding to occur. They can’t even form a real bond with their biological children and can dump them just as easy as anybody else! The Narcissist will fight you tooth and nail to escape from being exposed even if this means completely destroying you and your integrity as well as leaving a family behind. No/minimal contact to break the cycle of this abuse. Greg

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