They are the greatest storytellers when they are trying to CHARM us into believing in them AND pulling us into their fake world but they are really skilled manipulators and liars that can weasel their way in and out of any situation without skipping a beat because this is all about their agenda to con, HARM, and extort life and people.

They are the greatest storytellers when they are trying to CHARM us into believing in them AND pulling us into their fake world but they are really skilled manipulators and liars that can weasel their way in and out of any situation without skipping a beat because this is all about their agenda to con, HARM, and extort life and people.

They can incessantly talk and talk about most anything without skipping a beat with their interesting information. They are human chameleons that study human nature with a goal to further their power by enhancing their stature and influence or better yet manipulate the people around them to get what they crave – supply. Undoubtedly, they exaggerate their every claim and position in their life but we are none the wiser. They are addicted to this omnipotence for control AND we are what they need to use as a mirror to see this amazing reflection of themselves as well as get what they can from us. Unfortunately, what they do in the darkness without a care to the people that care or love them is also part of the equation and their ability to tell an amazing story to cover up their out-of-control lifestyle. They KNOW what they are doing, and we are all just pieces in their game with life.

They lie to weasel their way in and out of any situation and usually come up smelling like a rose. They are pathological liars in every sense of the word and hide their hideous and perverted life but pretend to be saintly and even preach to us as if WE are the afflicted ones doing what THEY are doing – they are pathological hypocrites too. This is the sad reality of a human connection with them and keep that connection going and the reality turns personally disastrous and destructive as the truth becomes evident. They are not fully functioning human beings and they will take your life down if they cannot control YOU and accuse you of the worst hypocrisies that you cannot even imagine just so they can win at their game and agenda.
Narcissists work extremely hard at making themselves believable as it concerns their overt lies and myths about themselves. They arm themselves with a vast array of learned information they have harvested/acquired through their observations of other humans and then wear, personalize, or enhance this information as if it is truly theirs.

AGAIN, if they cannot control you, they will easily use demagoguery to smear you by making you out to be a very damaged person. So, what is the goal with all of this? To snag you into his/her Narcissistic lair AND to make you supply them with the things they need and can’t get because they are a dark and manipulative personality that envies life, love and people. Unfortunately for those that fall prey to a relationship with them, they will exploit your trust, your friendship, your human rights, and one of the greatest emotions – LOVE — and ONLY to manipulate you into a special place right alongside them to serve ONE of MANY of their needs! All of it ends up being a horrendous prison sentence and attack on us where we are isolated, punished, silenced, harmed, manipulated, humiliated and YES abused. The only way with a Narcissist is to get as far away as you can from their dark world. No/minimal contact to move forward to a life that is free from the damage and chaos that these creatures can and will bring into your life.

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Our stories about this abuse are so incredulous to anybody that hears them more than often may turn away instead of offering support. If a person has NEVER experienced this abuse they can NEVER understand what we have gone through for them to offer a perspective that will help.

Our stories about this abuse are so incredulous to anybody that hears them more than often may turn away instead of offering support. If a person has NEVER experienced this abuse they can NEVER understand what we have gone through for them to offer a perspective that will help.

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @…/…/ref=sr_1_1…

MOST PEOPLE have no knowledge or understanding of the emotional and psychological abuse or of a Narcissist as well as the effects of the trauma. It is akin to a prisoner of war being released from captivity to assume life as usual when that is not even near a possibility or reality as it concerns being a prisoner of this abuse! If you do speak out about the abuse it seems more like you stand in judgment from most of the people nearest and dearest to you.
To the victim of this abuse, everything is one huge confusing blur. It is like someone has wrapped you up in layer upon layer of darkness, fear, angst, confusion, depression, anxiety, pain, sleeplessness and many things you have never experienced before. You feel like you are completely disabled. You are forgetful and just don’t seem to care. ALL OF THIS IS TRAUMA from being abused. You probably don’t sleep well and if you do you have nightmares. How do you fix this? How do you get them out of your mind? How do you move forward? Who do you turn to? People listen but they don’t see the severity of the situation! You are reaching out to a world that doesn’t understand how debilitating this abuse is because they don’t see a black and blue mark on your body or a broken arm so you become lost in all of this searching and wondering who you can turn to for HELP! You have been injured but the scars are on the inside where nobody can see them, so your abuse is INVISIBLE to everyone but yourself. So is it real or what the heck is going on. IT IS REAL – enough said!

Emotionally or psychologically abused people tend to be cast off or even judged harshly. The chronically abused person is shrouded with a cloud of helplessness, hopelessness and passivity from the entrapment of the abuse in their past. There seems to be no viable or safe place for them to secure acceptance or the help that they need. There is anxiety and depression that has surfaced, physical ailments and complaints, subdued anger, extreme frustration, isolation and loneliness from the people closest to them because of the extreme need to express themselves over and over again to get answers or the validation to understand this – so the target/victim is subject to more condemnation as well. We seem like we are crazy, but it is from the trauma and the vulnerability of being abused. You are reaching out for help, but it seems like everyone is turning away.

This type of abuse has exposed you to horrible manipulation, betrayal, resounding fear and terror because of the coercive methods from the Narcissist as well as dehumanizing control. Most people just presume that THEY would show greater courage, strength, and resistance if THEY were the victim and in similar circumstances. They will just tell the target/victim to move on and allow time to heal the wounds. What does this message say or do to the target/victim? It makes them BELIEVE that they ARE the source of their own problems and again isolated and damaged just like the Narcissist said they were. Time alone does not heal these wounds! Unfortunately for the target/victim there is the tendency where people account for the target/victim’s behavior as flaws in THEIR personality as if they gave into or deserved the abuse because they did not leave the Narcissist. Nobody is listening or better yet HEARING the real truth of your situation because it sounds so incredulous so the pleas for help are lost with the misinterpretation of your situation. Once AGAIN, the target/victim is left with more isolation, damage, vulnerable AND alone to figure this out on their own. This is a very lonely and scary place to be!

It is not the target/victim JUST grieving the loss of love, it is the grieving of the dehumanization and subjugation from their perpetrator or the Narcissist. The target/victim bundles everything up and somehow even blames themselves as if they created everything they are feeling as well as deserve it. There may be biological children involved, financial ruin and character assassination waiting for the target/victim as well from the Narcissist’s smear campaign. This is probably the darkest time of the target/victim’s life having to deal with the total devaluation, discard, and devastation from someone that they BELIEVED loved them and cared for them! This is betrayal so hideous that a person that has never experienced this abuse could never even start to realize the damage that is done to a target/victim. Hideous

Psychology even has tendency to blame the victim because researchers/clinicians seem to seek an explanation for the perpetrator’s (Narcissist’s) crimes by trying to define this abuse through the (target/victims) supposed personality defects and missing the mark completely especially as it concerns the trauma from this abuse that needs immediate attention and clarity. This is abuse by a personality disordered individual and that is where the blame belongs and NOT on the victim.

When victims are entrapped by manipulative persuasion or brain-washing rather than physical abuse, it always seems that the target/victim is PREDISPOSED to ALLOWING themselves to be abused. THERE IS NO CONSISTENT PROFILE out there that supports any evidence that any target/victim is predisposed to enter exploitive and abusive relationships. There are reasons we may have gotten involved because of a temporary life crisis or recent loss, when we are feeling unhappy, alienated, or lonely, but it wasn’t because we were looking to be abused.
I do want to clarify one point that children that have been raised by Narcissistic parents have a propensity to end up in relationships with Narcissists but not because they want to but more because they have been raised in this type of negative environment and it is familiar to them – but it doesn’t mean that they look for it or are predisposed to seek out ABUSE – they are the product of it! That in itself is a crime or blaming the wrong person in the case of Narcissistic abuse. Children that are born into this abuse are true victims of this abuse and so undeserving of the losses they experience throughout their life. It seems to be forgotten that a Narcissist’s abuse is THEIR own disordered behavior PERIOD!

Loved ones, family and friends who have never experienced prolonged terror have no understanding of the coercive methods or control from a Narcissist, so they presume that they would show greater courage and resistance than the target/victim showed. This is a bad and harsh judgment that invalidates the reality of this abuse for the target/victim. This has unfortunately become a common tendency to account for the victim’s behavior by seeking flaws in their personality or character. This is NOT about a target/victim’s passivity or complicity. This is psychological terrorism but without a cage or prison walls around the victim that defines what was more like being a brain-washed prisoner of war. With this abuse victims are judged lovingly but harshly by the very people they need! Loving, healthy, normal and psychologically sound people can indeed be coerced, extorted, and abused in subliminal and dehumanizing ways by an abusive Narcissist and many victims are proof to that.

With emotional and psychological battering victims are entrapped by extreme manipulative and psychological persuasion over a lengthy period of time and that needs to be desensitized for them to move forward. What was the nature of our perpetrator when we met them? Did they have us at gunpoint forcing us into this psychological terrorism or did they offer us something so very familiar, normal, trustworthy and welcoming called LOVE? Yes, they did and if that doesn’t define a predator I don’t know what does! I have met very many wonderful friends from all over the world since I started writing about this abuse that I interact with daily. They are some of the strongest people I have ever encountered. There isn’t anything about them that shouts out to me that they allowed or wanted their abuse! They are full of love, empathy and high functioning individuals!

Well let’s go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let’s define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced and unhealthy and basically not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or they are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims. The key words that describes the whole cycle of abuse is love-bombing, devaluation, discard and I always add DESTROY! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled.

The journey to recovery is now a process because we were unconsciously living and dealing with all the destructive messages we internalized and validated as our reality. We must seek out education about this abuse and the truth about our situation as a key to unlock the door to our recovery. Yes, those messages are going to be in our head for a good while BUT we have to create a healthy balance and desensitize them. What this means is that we have to move into a place where it is possible for us to recognize that a person HAS betrayed us in a manner to control us through mental abuse. We have to think about it in terms to validate the truth of the situation, but not to try to dissect the Narcissist and put our energy into trying to get into their heads. We spent a great deal of time trying to fix or basically heal them and we gave away too much of ourselves. Turn this around and accept the truth that they are completely disordered and put that healing power back into yourself.

The recovery process is so multi-dimensional that it means that there are really no simple answers to the question “how do I stop the pain and what do I do to move forward with my recovery?” There are answers that we need to have in the beginning of our recovery but they are basically concerning the educational process and a tried and true direction so we are ‘in the know’ about this disorder and can get our ‘ah ha’ moment or the truth that this is ABUSE then moving forward from there and looking deep inside to heal the many levels of this extreme betrayal as well as the damage to our mental well-being. Recovery is a process that requires grieving the love, the loss of much of our life, the acceptance of the truth that is so foreign to us, and then a reprocessing or a rebirthing to enter the world once more with our trust in tact after this horrible attack on our life. That can be accomplished by setting up strong boundaries that now include the knowledge that there are people out there that are so disordered that they will intentionally walk into our lives and create this type of horrendous damage that can destroy our life from such a disordered person that will lie with such veracity just to control another person so they can extort what they can.

Once you have experienced this type of abuse you will know the signs of this abuse and NEVER allow yourself to ever maintain any type of relationship with a toxic person again. This abuse traumatizes the victim and that trauma will lock a victim up and keep them from trusting the world and that is a huge part of recovery or desensitizing this trauma. You can and will recover from this abuse because you are resilient. You are that strong and amazing but in the process of healing there will be pain and vulnerability from this horrendous loss, but you recover from this day by day. Define each of those days NOT by the pain but by the strength that you have made it to another day and one day closer to recovery. NEVER turn back to look at the Narcissist for answers or make them a constant part of your recovery – put the energy ONLY into yourself and not reliving and victimizing yourself by reprocessing the abuse over and over again. No/Minimal contact is the ONLY path to a real recovery! Greg

A Narcissist means to dissemble you bit by bit to control you.

A Narcissist means to dissemble you bit by bit to control you. In the end they will undermine your self-worth, erase your personality, and take away your individualism to meet their needs. After they have drained you of your spirit (and many other things) they will then move on to the next TARGET. They will leave you in an emotional and psychological shamble and will smear your goodness and integrity on their way out to protect THEMSELVES from exposure of what they did and who they are. Sounds like a WELL thought out plan or agenda! Let’s call this a ONE ON ONE smear campaign or a preemptive personal attack from the Narcissist to you!

Piece by piece and bit by bit, criticism by criticism, the Narcissist dismantles your self-esteem and undermines your self-worth. This process is painfully slow and gradual, maybe even a matter of years, but it is an insidious process of manipulation and consistent brain-washing and it is highly effective. You have fallen hard for the Narcissist’s CHARM or ‘love bombing’ FIRST and connected emotionally or otherwise to them, OR even love them. NOW you are wondering what you are doing wrong that there is so much adversity in your relationship with them and YOU (and ONLY you) are the guilty one. BUT, you have never had issues like this before with anybody else! The Narcissist backs all of this up by dumping truckloads of EMOTIONAL ‘shame and blame’ on you. Your sense of self-worth, who you are, and self-confidence begin to slip. You are in a vast state of confusion because you can’t wrap your head around this about face that you are seeing with your Narcissist – and now you ARE accepting the blame!. You do what you can to “fix” this and regain the Narcissist’s approval.

This becomes a destructive plight that essentially will destroy you because the Narcissist has brain-washed you, manipulated you, betrayed you, lied, etc., and in such a manner that you can’t dig yourself out of the many levels of their abuse and CONSTANT blame. You just bury yourself more by putting ALL OF YOUR NEEDS aside to fix what you can’t. Every day you are buried by another level of their blame, shame, demeaning words, silencing, isolation and everything else they can do to keep you a prisoner of this abuse. This becomes a relationship where you are constantly explaining yourself and reacting to keep yourself ‘above water!’. In reality this is a ‘one on one’ PERSONAL smear campaign, or a preemptive attack on your personally.

The Narcissist will then start to demand more from you and reward you less with the fake romantic behavior you enjoyed in the beginning of the relationship. The Narcissist will basically demand more personal sacrifices from your life, as well as your emotional energy and time. Next the Narcissist will isolate you from loved ones, put a negative spin on your every thought or action, discourage your personal and professional endeavors, demand more commitment, there will be more sexual transgressions, possibly more demands for financial support, etc., depending on what the Narcissist wants from the relationship. But the bottom line is that a Narcissist enters every relationship to use others and to gain control and to embellish their life. There is only ONE possible scenario with a Narcissist and that is to get completely away from them and never allow them back into any part of your life or world. No/minimal contact.

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist.

You have to actualize that EVERYTHING IS A LIE with a Narcissist.

You have to actualize that EVERYTHING IS A LIE with a Narcissist. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends, hate you, my family hates you, the world hates you, you are worthless, nobody will ever love you, etc.!’ Don’t forget all the other day to day lies, the lies about the affairs, the lies about STUPID stuff, the lies about accountability, the lies about other lies, etc., etc., etc., ETC.!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @…/…/ref=sr_1_1…

BUT you still ask yourself HOW can someone you showed so much love turn around and abuse that love. You also ask yourself WHY would a person completely con you into believing they loved you do such a horrendous thing so they could extort your life through this fictitious love. You ask yourself how you didn’t see all of this and you question your sanity because you feel that you ALLOWED this to happen. You then start questioning the very things that this Narcissist accused you of and perhaps believing that you do have issues! You question this, that and everything! You question yourself for no viable reason other than trying to reach some sort of understanding EVEN though you now know the truth. But there is no other answer than the truth that this was abuse and this relationship wasn’t real at all and that my friend(s) is just way too difficult to accept.

You can’t get over this relationship and move yourself away from the hold this Narcissist that is OR was in your life has on your mind! So now YOU try to work it out in your own head and heart. You keep reaching back into the past searching for something/anything. Are you STILL searching for the answers to those many confusing questions? Probably a resounding YES, but there really is NOBODY there to answer those questions – BUT – there are many messages in your head, so you turn to justifying most everything to resolve what only amounts to abuse. But the reality of the situation that this IS abuse never seems to agree with your heart, emotions, and empathy to form some sort of cohesive agreement or middle ground, so you are left with a horrendous burden to shake this off! But again, all of this was based on lies that you believed and now you have to stop believing and that seems to be an insurmountable task! Well, the answer to that is clarity and time now that you are away from the Narcissist and the chaos. Like a normal relationship you have to sort out all of the emotions that formed that bond – or ‘fall out of love’ even though it was a distorted and desperate love.

You have to think back and recall just how uneasy you felt in this relationship, how YOU were continually accepting the negativity that always seemed to be present when you were together. Think about the lies, betrayal, put downs and so many other things that just weren’t normal to a loving relationship. You worked your hardest at rationalizing and justifying this LOVE and continually tried to fix this distorted relationship (love) rather than accepting the truth from your intuition shouting out at you. You STILL keep justifying that it was love and you must have overlooked something or other that could have fixed everything! WHO was making you try so hard to fix this? Who was telling you everything was wrong, and it was YOUR fault? Who never put an effort into allowing you to voice normal concerns? Who silenced you over and over again and why? The truth is that this could never have turned out any different than what it did because it was meant to be temporary because EVERYONE has an expiration date with a Narcissist! What about the new supply and how quickly this Narcissist JUMPED right into that relationship! Where is/was the love that you kept fighting for? It was NEVER there in the first place!

Then ask yourself how many times you had to reassure yourself that everything WOULD be OK if you did this, that or any number of different things! Also, the many important ‘personal’ things concerning your needs that were always dismissed to make and keep this Narcissist happy and it was NEVER enough. How many times were you so confused about crazy statements, arguments, accountability, or the many lies that you probably justified or ignored? What about affairs? Were there any or many? Did you always feel as if you had to explain yourself for most everything you did or said no matter what? Did you feel any sense of normalcy with this person after the ‘amazing love’ in the beginning? Did you feel like parts of your life had mysteriously disappeared and it isn’t the same as it used to be. You always felt so frustrated in general, confused, anxious, you felt tired or exhausted from day after day of arguments that had no basis, and just the general feeling of unhappiness. Or maybe you feel horrible about yourself or worthless. Is it a feeling like things have spun out of control in your life and you are WONDERING WHY this has happened! You haven’t done anything different than you have in the past (as it concerned your previous ‘normal’ relationships,) but YOU are always working on something or other to get this relationship right! What is the coefficient here? Where is the distress AND stress coming from? Why do you always feel so ANXIOUS and CONFUSED? If you think about this and compile a ‘distress list’ of all of the crazy making and chaos from this relationship it will be hundreds of times longer than a list that would outline the ‘good things’ that this person (the Narcissist) actually reciprocated as far as showing any REAL type of care or love – IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT THEM.

I think most of us know the root of the problem but trying to get past the emotional stronghold has been the problem and what kept us believing in the huge lie we were living. Through all of this we twisted and tweaked our thoughts so much so that we were able to justify most everything in a manner that made us change our behaviors and basic beliefs to meet the needs of this Narcissist, so we could keep believing in what we were conned into believing – this love. We believed that WE could change things to make this relationship right again – but who was telling us to change and WHY? Things DID change but ask yourself ‘WHAT CHANGED?’ The answer is that you changed and lost yourself in all of this and that is not the type of change that should ever happen in ANY relationship. We took charge of trying to make things right and make changes! We ACCEPTED the blame that was handed to us. We accepted silence to avoid arguments. We accepted lies to avoid hearing the truth. We possibly believed that more LOVE would heal! Was it love that would heal this? Just exactly what WAS this love? Was it totally one sided? Could you even ascertain what this relationship was OR were you always wondering? Did anything change like you wanted it to? YES, and again what changed was you, your self-worth, your dignity, your good life that you once knew, and your whole world changed for the worse!

So, to start, you have to conceptualize that EVERYTHING WAS A LIE. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends, hate you, my family hates you, the world hates you, etc.!’ Don’t forget all the other day to day lies, the lies about the affairs, the lies about STUPID stuff, the lies about accountability, the lies about other lies, etc. All of these messages that the Narcissist was basically downloading into your head is all part of their delusional disorder based on LIES that they used to manage you down, gain power over you, and to control you. So when you refer back to these messages they put in your head and RELATE to them to try to resolve ANY of this, you are only listening to the same delusional lies that got you into this abusive relationship that is now still convincing you that you are to blame, everything bad, and YOU have to accept responsibility here for the demise of this relationship. Those messages were designed to debilitate you and they have – so replaying any of them will still keep you in right in the abuse.

OK – now for the jibber jabber! We are social creatures that bond, live together, seek each other out AND we also follow and create a moral order of what we must do, can do and cannot do. This social order is what defines and regulates how we will interact, defining and protecting individual rights and the ‘normal’ social/moral order. Narcissists know that there is a social/moral order, but they don’t abide by any of it and instead they constantly violate it. There is no connection to it whatsoever. But to function in our world they will PRETEND to fit into it and be one of the most respected individuals out there because otherwise they would be deplored by society and nobody would play with them. So like everybody else we bought into their big lie and con job – but unfortunately we did it on a much more personal level that involved MANY distorted messages as well as the disabling lies. Narcissist do this so they can fit in otherwise they wouldn’t be able to extort life as they do. Simply put they are one humungous lie that is designed AND redesigned personally for each new victim. This facde of lies enables them to process and harvest people to get what they need. Basically the ‘façade’ or ‘mask’ theory that we always read about. THEY ARE A BIG LIE – but very believable because they sugar coat the lie with amazing charm to attract us into their world!

YOU are a good and AMAZING person and this Narcissist has tricked you in such a heinous and perverted way and it just doesn’t make sense to a person of empathy that can LOVE. You were raised with morality and standards. You KNOW how to love and trust. You DIDN’T grow up learning that these monsters are out there and basically the total opposite of what love is! You will NEVER feel good about this or reach some sort of realistic closure based on the belief system YOU GREW UP WITH, and as well you shouldn’t have too! BUT unfortunately there are a few new words in your vocabulary that you have to know and you will have to educate yourself about and process them into your scope of the world. Those words are Narcissist and ABUSE. You have to completely dump the messages and ALL OF THOSE LIES that this Narcissist has used to gain power over you, control you and abuse you. You have to STOP listening to those messages because they were just lies. It takes time to do this because you have spent so much time believing these lies, now you must spend some time disbelieving these lies. There is no guru out there that can offer you anything that will make this magically disappear until you completely get this, so don’t ever look for a quick fix. Educate yourself with good information, understand your enemy and what they did to you. Get healthy and then take a look inward and see what if anything made you available to a Narcissist, THEN set strong and new boundaries. Just DON’T blame yourself as if you deserved this and don’t let others blame you either! You are not worthless or unlovable – you are an amazing human being and never doubt this! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

If someone tells you to ‘JUST GET OVER IT and MOVE ON,’ tell them YOU were emotionally and psychologically abused by a Narcissist. It is not JUST a broken heart – it is a BROKEN LIFE!

If someone tells you to ‘JUST GET OVER IT and MOVE ON,’ tell them YOU were emotionally and psychologically abused by a Narcissist. It is not JUST a broken heart – it is a BROKEN LIFE!

JUST MOVE ON – the words that totally invalidate the process of recovery for a target/victim of this abuse. Validation comes from the support of other survivors, knowledge, education, introspection, and profession help if you need it — and most importantly the ability to use your voice and your words to completely purge out the destructive messages from your abuser.

When a person tells a target/victim to just move on for instance, what message does that send? It says that what happened to you isn’t that important for you to be going on and on with all of your words and describing the details of your horrendous experience, etc. It is a total invalidation of your experience with this abuse and It makes the target/victim believe that they are over-reacting and in turn makes them feel as if they are inferior, overreacting, or damaged and ‘BAM’ the target/victim puts the blame back onto themselves and may even believe they are the problem or have mental health issues. This is a traumatized victim, not a person that had an argument with someone they were in a relationship with that can be trivialized with words like “just move on!’

Add to this just where WOULD the target/victim go for help WHEN they are so confused and THEN can’t get immediate support for the abuse. Most will go BACK TO THE SOURCE OF THEIR PROBLEM, or their abuser especially if they are ostracized, invalidated, and ignored by friends and family telling them they are overreacting. So again, they try to source out the remedy to fix things through the very person that abused them – THUS the cycle continues. Traumatization requires viable solutions and answers that validates the reality that their situation was out of the normal circumstances of day to day relationship issues and NOT something that the person experiencing this trauma can just reason away (cognitive dissonance.) Unfortunately, some target/victims go on for years without validation and only develop coping skills that are not even viable as far as moving forward and back into a welcoming world because they accept that somehow they were to blame.

This is what so many of the victims of Narcissistic abuse experience. They look for answers to insurmountable and complex questions AND trying to get help from the people in their immediate surroundings but unfortunately they don’t have the answers or even a concept of how deep this abuse has entangled so many levels of the victim’s life. The people you are trying to convey this too can ONY answer from their experience of love/relationships that more than likely did not include abuse. The target/victim only ends up feeling more isolated with all of these thoughts and unanswered questions still replaying in their heads. They may not even know that what they are experiencing is trauma and many don’t even realize that they were a target/victim of psychological abuse as well. Trauma requires a great deal of time, energy and therapy to allow the victim/target to reacquaint themselves and feel comfortable in their own skin as well as returning to what they believed about life before the trauma from this abuse. Basically, it is deprograming the emotional and psychological terrorism that the Narcissist has administered.

Empowering ourselves has its value and place in recovery, and that involves the truth and authenticity as it concerns our situation. This happens through education and knowledge first and THAT will start to guide us CORRECTLY into recovery or basically one of many steps. We have to understand that our abuse was situational and from a personality disordered Narcissist – then and only then can we put together the other components that GOT us there and KEPT us there dancing with this destructive Narcissist. It will be different for every person. But we CANNOT force the issue and bury the abuse and trauma by just moving on. Do we ALWAYS want to blame ourselves and forever feel we were responsible because we were not powerful enough and if it happens again we are definitely the problem here? Probably we would end up believing so and that is just defeating the purpose of healing by saying we are just that weak that we always allow ourselves to be abused. No again this is debilitating emotional and psychological rape. No abuse is ever our fault so proper perspective must be a part of the process so that it triggers the correct response when red flags are waving at us.

If we should happen to fail in the future, we will work through it with a new and better perspective. This perspective must give us a clear understanding of the abuse we experienced so we can assimilate that into our future thoughts and connections in the future. Clarity through the truth is what creates a pathway to recovery. It enables us to see that this was abuse and that will enable us to release from all of the ‘what ifs’ or getting the Narcissist completely out of our heart and mind and turning it all around so that we can concentrate on our own personal healing and our future life. We have the ability to move on whereas a Narcissist will always be stuck in their dark void forever and playing their same delusional games by cycling people in and out of their dark and abusive world. You are amazing and will overcome all of this and grow stronger. No or minimal contact!

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

Everything is about THEM and securing supply.

Everything is about THEM and securing supply. What is supply? Supply is everything and anything they can get/take from the outside world or externalization and objectification. They do NOT have internalized emotions, empathy, or any internal filters to regulate right from wrong BUT they imitate and create them with an everchanging façade of morality/goodness, love, caring, utilitarian friendships, etc., and THAT is how they trap us into their agenda. Pretty smart trap because we are normal people and the things they emulate are the VERY familiar and normal things in our world.

They are lacking these all important components and in complete denial about their abhorrent life – so ANYTHING goes as long as it serves a purpose and a gain for them and they have MANY sources of outside supply. They are pathological takers. What goes along with this are all the lies and manipulation which are just common tools they use to get what they want. They do not judge THEMSELVES or reflect upon what they do that is harmful or destructive to people because there is NO ability to do so – they even abuse their own biological children and family.

They are aware of what they do but it just does not register nor do they care. Point out ANY of their indiscretions or make them accountable in the smallest ways and you will be ignored, silenced, isolated, and quite possibly annihilated from their world. These are personality disordered abusers. Education is knowledge and power to us so we ‘get it’ completely and get them completely out of our world and life. Remember their agenda – they CHARM us to pull us into their orbit and ultimately HARM us with their dysfunctional and endless needs.

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist.

Traumatization from this abuse.

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @…/…/ref=sr_1_1…

Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events, but there are common denominators. There is frequently a violation of the person’s familiar ideas (belief system) about the real world and of their human rights, putting the person in a state of extreme confusion and insecurity. Recovering from a traumatic experience requires that the painful emotions be thoroughly processed. Trauma feelings cannot be repressed or forgotten and should be treated immediately or as soon as there is a realization that you are caught up in the trauma. If they are not dealt with either directly or at any other point in your recovery, the distressing feelings and troubling events replay over and over again in the course of a lifetime, creating this condition known as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Every bad moment in your life will connect you with those negative messages that the Narcissist manipulated you into believing and you will feel those old feelings of worthlessness, fear, and vulnerability. You will always feel like you are not good enough, scared, and indifferent as far as how you see yourself in a world you were once part of, happy and familiar with. Events do not always define you especially negative ones, but sometimes we define ourselves through these events especially after this type of traumatizing abuse.

The Narcissist taught/conditioned us to blame ourselves and feel completely worthless – and if that message is still cycling in our heads from this abuse we will let it define us forever. Whatever inner resources people need to mobilize to achieve recovery, they still should not try to accomplish this task alone. Depression and trauma are ‘disconnective disorders’ and they do not improve with isolating ourselves. To fix them you have to be connected to others and accept that there is goodness and real love out there.
A couple other facts about trauma. Intellectually, you lose from 50 to 90 percent of brain capacity, which is why you should never make a decision and why you feel so lost and empty when you are “in the trauma zone.” Emotionally you don’t feel anything, and your old belief systems and spirit is disconnected. Physically all your systems shut down and you run on basics. You are in the ‘fight or flight mode’ or a hyper awareness of always feeling like you are in danger or surrounded by doom and hopelessness. When your system starts to recover, and you can handle a bit more stimulation and energy, THEN real thoughts emerge that will guide you back to reality and help you process the information and start on your road to recovery!

Some important clinical information about the Common Features of PTSD from emotional/psychological abuse. These are consistent symptoms that identify the abuse as a psychiatric injury and different from a mental illness. That is an important differentiation to make so that you don’t internalize a message that says you cannot overcome the effects of the trauma and live with it. The Narcissist is definitely the dysfunctional person in this equation that disabled and traumatized you!

• An overwhelming desire for acknowledgement, understanding, recognition and validation of their experience.
• Fatigue with symptoms similar to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
• Extreme anger from feeling the injustice and almost seeming ‘manic’ instead of motivated for recovery purposes, “obsessive” instead of focused, and “angry” instead of passionate to fix yourself and regain order and reality in life.
• A desire for revenge.
• A tendency to cycle between reconciliation/forgiveness and anger/revenge where objectivity and reality become a causality.
• Feeling extremely fragile, where formerly you were stronger and had a stable character.
• Numbness, both physical and emotional (inability to feel love and joy.)
• Clumsiness.
• Forgetfulness.
• Hyperawareness and an acute sense of time passing them by.
• An enhanced and hypersensitive awareness.
• A constant feeling that you have to justify everything you say and do.
• A constant need to prove yourself, even when surrounded by good, positive people.
• An unusually strong sense of vulnerability, victimization or a feeling of persecution!
• Occasional intrusive visualizations connected to an extreme anger.
• Feelings of worthlessness, rejection, a sense of being unwanted, unlikeable and unlovable.
• A feeling of being small, insignificant, invisible, and lost.
• An overwhelming sense of betrayal, and a consequent inability and unwillingness to trust anyone, even those closest to you.
• Depression with occasional sudden bursts of energy accompanied by a feeling of “I’m better!”, only to be followed by a full resurgence of the symptoms a day or two later.
• Excessive guilt about your situation and why you can’t overcome this.

Today I can clearly see that intervention is so vital. Trauma is real and debilitating in situations like this abuse that is born from a hideous betrayal of a person’s spirit and belief system. It can shut you down completely and keep you locked up in isolation because your replaced belief system from the abuse doesn’t trust that there is goodness in life. Sometimes we don’t see this until many years after the fact. This is not recovery, this is living in fear because of a traumatic event and this is what this abuse does. A Narcissist cannot live or survive on their own, they need us (people) to feel alive and be alive, but they are akin to a predator that feeds off of people, erases their personality, and takes their healthy emotions and spirit away from them. We don’t need people to survive, but we want to enjoy people, like them, bond with them, and even love them – and we deserve to be a participant in this wonderful world AND healthy as we once were – THIS IS OUR GOAL with recovery and that is to come back again as a whole person. What this Narcissist forced into your head can be desensitized and you CAN recover completely. It all starts with you and a journey away from the traumatizing reality of what they are and what they have done. You deserve that same love that you gave so freely and unconditionally. It is still there and with self-compassion you CAN and WILL give it back to yourself because you are resilient, and a survivor and YOU are just that amazing to be able to do this. No/minimal contact always! Greg

Narcissists malign and intentionally harm ALL PEOPLE. They are personality disordered and abusive and we must never allow ourselves to believe anything but THIS truth about them or we will be stuck in this deceptive and desperate world of theirs forever trying to fix things, taking blame, giving too much of ourselves away, AND eventually losing everything including our self-worth and our complete self!
Narcissists manipulate in a manner to control their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything – this is chaos and crazy making meant to confound their target’s normal thoughts. This can be very evident at times, because it is a downright shocking situation and we have all been there shaking our heads in disbelief at what they have said or acted on. It can also be very subtle with many small manipulative and dehumanizing actions that disassemble the target/victim’s well-being slowly and methodically. BUT it is so perplexing that people actually disbelieve their very ears and more than often we dismiss it and justify it by thinking it is anger, a bad day, insecurity, jealousy, or they have some wrong information about us – BUT it is a constant and consistent behavior meant to debase us. Unfortunately, we spend our time trying to fix the situation and avoiding the truth that this is just one of their tools in their vast arsenal of control and ultimately ABUSE. Little by little this behavior erodes the target/victim’s self-worth and creates an almost obsessive situation where the target/victim is constantly trying to avoid the conflict, keeping things peaceful, and walking on eggshells. There is never the opportunity for a “healthy self” in this relationship and you become a casualty of the constant psychological terrorism or abuse – essentially you become a shell of a person.
Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

The Truth – A relationship with a Narcissist is like being a prisoner of war to a cruel and demeaning emotional terrorist.

The Truth – A relationship with a Narcissist is like being a prisoner of war to a cruel and demeaning emotional terrorist. There is no individuality – instead you become an object that is severely manipulated and managed down to serve a personality disordered individual. There is no REAL love only a desperate love that a Narcissist dangles in front of you.

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @…/…/ref=sr_1_1…

The Narcissist has used their effective manipulative and cognitive skills by putting you on the defensive and using/distorting your personal conversations, interactions, and thoughts against you to manage you down (devaluation phase) as well as to triangulate you with the personal information they have gained to use against you. They are so adept at utilizing everything they can just from knowing us. Interactions between two people, as it concerns support in any relationship isn’t a court of law where one person is the judge, jury and prison guard AND town gossip like a Narcissist is because that is the role they demand in ALL relationships. A successful relationship requires healthy communication skills and even healthy disagreements. Healthy communication skills require sane and healthy cognitive thinking from both parties. There is nothing healthy or sane about a disordered and abusive Narcissist.

In any type of relationship when communication and thoughts are not nurtured in a process to validate another person, all areas of the relationship are affected, and it is more apt to be described as ‘control.’ Communication is the open door that allows two people to exchange cognitive and personal thoughts, to enable growth. We are independent beings that have purpose and we exchange our thoughts normally by accepting our relative differences and normally people grow together through compromise. The Narcissist manipulates in such a way to cause false interpretations of all of our cognitive processes to distort reality and make them and us always fail and become disabled – EVEN when they manipulate us into believing they love us or the big con. When we are manipulated in this manner it affects and disables all of those important skills that we use on a daily basis, so this relationship was doomed from the moment you met this Narcissist. After a while it is like we lose our motivation to be effective with simple matters in our personal life even blocking our ability to concentrate and learn because we were manipulated in a manner to constantly question ourselves from someone we BELIEVED we could trust and more than likely someone we loved. This is betrayal in the most extreme manner and describes just how disordered a Narcissist is to use our love to create and administer their hate and destruction – AND WHY – to objectify us to fulfill their many needs? Our mind is linked to so many internal processes, and when it is psychologically wounded, other areas will also be affected just like a disease that will spread unless treated, even causing us physiological or physical damage to our health. It can take its toll and also cause long term problems linked to trauma.

It is strikingly similar to being a prisoner of war to an extreme emotional terrorist with the brainwashing, gas-lighting, the constant manipulation of facts and the truth, punishment, and emotional/psychological destruction. Some of those areas that become affected are cognitive functionality like our attention span, our day to day memory, how we process things in our daily life, our long/short term memory, how we see and hear things, AND our logic and reasoning abilities. AGAIN, this is basically brainwashing in an effort to slowly but methodically break us down and render us useless and worthless as an independent thinking and speaking person or CONTROL. Narcissist do not allow individuality because they are cruel dictators that must completely captivate and control their target audience. This is what describes the abuse, and this is what is damaging to the target/victim’s well-being as far as it concerns the psychological abuse that is imposed on you/us. The most striking aspect of this is that it is dealt to us in a slow and insidious manner like being around a slowly leaking and poisonous gas that has no apparent smell, so we don’t know the danger we are in because we take it in slowly and when we finally realize, the damage is already done and the effects can be long term.

Narcissists are dishonest or better yet liars, they give mixed signals, always running hot and cold. They triangulate everybody by playing people against one another to maintain control AND they avoid real commitment because it doesn’t exist in a world where there is no give and all take – they are life’s extortionists. There is never one real working relationship with anybody that DOESN’T include this abhorrent manipulation. We are all a means to an end with a Narcissist and that is extracting their supply and destroying people! What was so familiar and even mimicked loved so realistically was just a lie with an agenda.

It is amazing how much abuse and suffering targets/victims tolerate. Even when it is obvious to the people around us like friends and family, the victim may continue to defend and protect the Narcissist which only compounds the problem. This is the power of their (Narcissist) mind control and manipulation to get at want they want. Narcissists are expert manipulators and use a combination of fear and guilt to control their sources of Narcissistic supply. The effects of these techniques persist even after the Narcissist has left the relationship. In fact, the influence of their mind control can last for years. A Narcissist will frequently contact a previous target/victim and the target/victim will sometimes start up the relationship again, thinking that this time will be different, because the Narcissist has promised this, but they will only step up the game to trick you and drag you back into the abuse!
If and when the Narcissist returns it is only because they are just looking for a quick and easy ‘fix’ of Narcissistic supply because they know they already have you locked into their abusive mind games because you are there and re-connecting with them AGAIN. THEY will disappear just as easily as they came back. ALWAYS remember we can’t be or act civilized with a Narcissist by remaining on friendly terms. Never forget that Narcissists always have a needy and destructive agenda.

One last thing and please internalize this! Despite the relentless abuse, rage episodes, mind games, projection, gas lighting and demoralization — SOMEHOW — we believe we are still in love with these Narcissists on some level and possibly feel we will always love them. These messages continuously play behind all of our attempts to reach closure and YES through our recovery. This attitude or thought process is evidence of how the emotionally abusive Narcissist brainwashes or programs their targets/victims to keep believing in them and they will keep it up for as long as you allow it. This is part of recovery and we must live it and dispel those messages AND the Narcissist because there was NOTHING real about this person and they meant us harm! That huge con, love bombing, or whatever we call this horrendous manipulation they tricked us into believing was what they used to betray us and take advantage of our love and life. It can be akin to an addiction, and our addiction is to the drug of our choice and that is this Narcissist that conditioned us to be dependent on their emotional manipulation by using love as the bait to gain our trust and BELIEVE in them. A drug alters our mind when we ingest it, and the brainwashing, programming, and conditioning from a Narcissist ALSO alters our mind when we ingest and internalize their messages. Almost like an addict that will continually justify their returning to the drug of choice EVEN though it is damaging their mind and life and is basically destroying them – it is the addiction message that keeps the addict going back. That message is also similar in us and what causes us to relapse or again BELIEVING in them through the mixed-up emotions. The message has altered our mind to believe in the Narcissist against all of the odds and the truth that they are bad for us. In time with education and support you will deprogram this message and be desensitized to it. But you have to always be cognizant of the fact that the message is in our subconscious and destroy it so it doesn’t start replaying itself or we will fall backwards into the abuse pattern again.

REMEMBER the Narcissist’s agenda! They always want something and that is Narcissistic Supply, be it help, support, money, sex, etc. They prepare the groundwork with their manipulation to acquire whatever those needs are. Also remember if they feel threatened by exposure they will want to neutralize the situation with their manipulative CHARM or throwing you a little bone to get you to believe in them ONCE AGAIN. They don’t want to be exposed as the abuser they are, so they will keep you feeling near and dear to them until that ‘new supply’ is secured and they have destroyed your integrity to a point that YOU seem like the abuser AND crazy one – or the HARM part. YOU deserve so much more so step outside of this and see it for what it really is and discard that Narcissist and every thought about them out the door and into the garbage. There is a real life and a real world out there and one you knew before – come back to it. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

Concentrating on us and moving Forward with more Clarity!

It takes time to grieve the loss of any significant relationship which unfortunately includes the abusive relationship with a Narcissist. The Narcissist is there in spirit long after they have vanished in the flesh because the Narcissist has attacked the mind/hearts/souls of its targets/victims starting with the extreme charm or love bombing to capture their target, as well as their controlling behavior and devaluation phase that corrupts and traumatizes their target/victim’s normal. With children that have been abused by a narcissistic parent they are born into a life of abuse and there is no opportunity for a normal life because the chaos, constant devaluation, feelings of worthlessness, etc. – diminishes their opportunity for healthy emotional growth.
This is the real danger and confusion that victims of this abuse face. We mourn the love we thought we had for them because we were tricked, conned, and betrayed into believing this was the real thing and now we are faced with the truth that it was ALL a lie.

Love just doesn’t go away and it becomes compounded with the truth about them being our abusers – it is a process to recover but that must be our goal. No matter how awful your Narcissist was, you still need to mourn any emotional losses as well as the betrayal and damage done to your life. This may be confusing because ending a relationship with a Narcissist should ultimately feel like an act of freedom or liberation from an abusive monster. Unfortunately for many it is not only the loss of the “monster” or the Narcissist, but the loss of many things we truly believed in for a long time that was all ONLY a deceptive façade constructed PERSONALLY for us by the Narcissist that resides in our head/heart. It is about healing at many levels and we accomplish this with knowledge and education as well as support from other victims and survivors. Lastly it is about self-care, self-compassion, introspection, and wanting to get back to a healthy life – this is about YOU and a new journey that does NOT include that Narcissist or the abuse they inflicted onto you!

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

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