Why we were always walking on eggshells, or had that constant and uneasy feeling when we were around this Narcissist, OR that feeling of anxiety, panic, and FEAR like we had to protect ourselves!

Why we were always walking on eggshells, or had that constant and uneasy feeling when we were around this Narcissist, OR that feeling of anxiety, panic, and FEAR like we had to protect ourselves! Well we were protecting ourselves from more chaos, more attacks, more blame and shame – BUT FOR WHAT? The answer – to constantly keep us wrapped up in uncertainty, chaos, and unbalanced with them – it is called control!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

It is always a circular conversation with a Narcissist that never ends and is always filled with irrelevant and meaningless points, word salads and basically nonsense meant to keep you in chaos AND fearful with no end in sight. WHY because they want to diminish something about you through their conflicting messaging. They have a point and that is to bring YOU down with their words.

The Narcissist’s reign of terror and destruction begins with small negative comments about the victim. The Narcissist will begin to mentally disassemble the victim’s self-esteem and beliefs about themselves and the relationship. What was once considered the perfect relationship now becomes a relationship that is unnerving, controlling, debasing, dehumanizing, gut wrenching, unstable and full of blame and shame. The victim is constantly kept emotionally and psychologically off balance by the insidious behaviors of their Narcissistic partner and ALWAYS having to explain themselves and feeling like they have to do more and more to please the Narcissist and living in FEAR.

So, they start off with what always seems like a command hidden in a question – and right away you feel confused and a little taken back by how they start this conversation out. You try to work with them, maybe even asking them to be more specific because you WANT to work it out. NO, that Narcissist is going to keep you jumping through hoops instead of getting some sort of reason or logic going because they want to take complete control of this so-called conversation by locking you up in a word salad or confusion. That Narcissist wants a REACTION – whether it is to get you frustrated, angry, or whatever so they can take it to another level – BUT you still don’t know what the jest of it YET. You try harder – and even give your best attempt of resolving whatever they are trying to say – grabbing onto bits and pieces of what they originally said, and they raise it up to a higher level by scrutinizing YOUR good words and making them wrong now. They then weaponize YOUR words and say that YOU are mistreating THEM. NOW it becomes an argument about YOUR words – and you are standing there with your jaw dropping to the ground because where did this conversation come from and you still do not know what it is exactly about, you have given them options to resolve it – but now they are attacking you at every level they can treating you in a condescending tone like YOU are a child. This keeps going in circles and all that is happening now is that YOU are being admonished. They bring up things you said that were innocent and are now using them against use as if you threatened them – still you have no clue how this got to this point. Next, they will take it to a higher level where they will say that they have never experienced someone that acts like you, or others say or have said that you are difficult. Lastly it is time for them to push you close to the edge and accuse you of something or other that is supposed to make you feel horrible, they may even threaten you saying that what you have done is illegal! BAM – there you go they have created a toxic scenario to trap you into a chaotic situation that leaves you exhausted and confused.

The victim becomes less and less of what they use to be prior to meeting the Narcissist. It becomes a vicious cycle of denigration, debasing, dehumanization and destruction by the Narcissist until there is nothing of substance left of the victim. The dismantling of the victim’s total identity was skillfully orchestrated by the Narcissist, and then as if to add INSULT TO INJURY the Narcissist will unmercifully criticize and blame the victim for “not being the person” the Narcissist fell in love with. All of the “blame and shame” will ceremoniously be dumped on the victim to kick them down even further into the destruction a Narcissist inflicts on everyone.

The Narcissist will even “project” their betrayal and perverse lifestyle onto the victim and accuse them of what they (the Narcissist) is actually doing. The Narcissist will not yield to anything once they have the reigns of terror going and will even physically make fun of their victim to inflict every possible form of damage they can. This disables the victim completely, so they can’t possibly fight back and expose the Narcissist as the REAL abuser they are. The Narcissist has been back-stabbing and “smearing” the victim to family, friends, co-workers and any other people that will listen to further damage the integrity of the victim. The Narcissist will then discard the victim quickly and without regard. The cycle of abuse and destruction has been completed. The victim has been disabled by the Narcissist and left by the roadside. This describes and is NARCISSISTIC ABUSE or better yet emotional and psychological rape of their victim. This is not simply “emotional abuse”, or a bad relationship between two people – this is a calculated attack of a predator after prey. This is a disordered human being that willfully harms good people – EVEN their own biological children will become victims of their damaging cycle of abuse. Predator after prey!

You can and will recover from this abuse – but YOU MUST understand that the Narcissist is as calculated in their attacks on people as is a shark with its prey. Once you establish the facts/truth about your abuser you must put it all into perspective to release from the “blame and shame” as well as the worthlessness you feel that the Narcissist made you internalize or better yet forced down your throat. Find that spirit, it is still there with you as well as your self-esteem, goodness, empathy and LOVE — I promise you that this had NOTHING to do with who or what you are, it has to do with an extremely disordered person that manipulated you into ALL OF THIS because they are an abhorrent and disordered human being. You are and always have been the beautiful and amazing person you were – THAT IS WHY YOU ARE STILL HERE TODAY, and you still have tomorrow – and don’t give that up. You WILL be the person you once were! Greg

Let’s understand what is behind the ‘MANAGING DOWN’ by putting more of the puzzle pieces together to understand this abuse! The Narcissist uses a distorted form of conditioning or manipulation making you believe you are OK and then you are not OK and they use this just like you are a Yo-Yo to keep you off balance with all of the ups and downs – BUT always making you go to a lower level feeling blameworthy and worthless!

Let’s understand what is behind the ‘MANAGING DOWN’ by putting more of the puzzle pieces together to understand this abuse! The Narcissist uses a distorted form of conditioning or manipulation making you believe you are OK and then you are not OK and they use this just like you are a Yo-Yo to keep you off balance with all of the ups and downs – BUT always making you go to a lower level feeling blameworthy and worthless!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

When we are attempting to relate to a Narcissist our interactions with them are basically manipulated into reactions that a Narcissist provokes by basically charming or love bombing our emotions positively or the direct opposite with negative reactions that put us on the defensive where we are basically having to always explain ourselves and made to feel wrong or even worthless. In reality, it is primarily about the negative reactions to gain control over their victim. It all stems from their shrewd interrogation techniques they used on us where they have gained all kinds of personal information that they have stored away in their memory for future use to Charm or Harm us. It is part of their big game plan or knowing the right or wrong things to get a reaction from their victim! All of that information is significant and right there in their head and they will use it against us in some manner to get the response they want or to fulfill one of their many needs.

A Narcissist knows how to manipulate something in a way that makes us feel like we have to justify or explain ourselves and our position – or in other words to keep us constantly off balance. They will make any conversation escalate into an argument by pushing the right buttons. Call it ‘bait and switch,’ or a diversionary tactic but they know how to manipulate your mood and emotions with their well-placed words. They are so good at this that it will make us feel angst or even get angry and then we end up looking like the crazy one because of how we react to the craziness. This is purposely baiting us to react and a routine they use regularly on their targets/victims. They will even try to elicit our anger in front of an audience if possible to really make it effective! More than likely we feel embarrassed by our own actions and reflect on OUR behavior but never realize that we have been managed down by the shrewd Narcissist!

Communicating in itself with a Narcissist is impossible as far as reality is concerned so it follows that arguing or debating with them should be avoided at all costs because it will only provoke them into an attack and RAGE. So, in reality we shouldn’t communicate or even talk to them BUT unfortunately we didn’t know this at the time we were dealing with them. If we could have only kept our innermost thoughts and feelings private, we would have saved ourselves so much of this disabling distress. Unfortunately, we trusted these individuals and divulged things because we believed in them so they earned our trust, but in essence they manipulated us into trusting them to fulfill their manipulative agenda and they know our secrets as well and that is dangerous because they will embellish our weaknesses and make us hyperaware of them.

Narcissists have many tools in their arsenal or weapons that they use to constantly keep us in a state of despair and confused – or in that ‘fog.’ A Narcissist has been this way for a very long time and they just go into autopilot to make the negative things happen that they need to stay in control and manage you and everyone down and in turn they feel powerful or better. Conversations are very calculated and manipulated with Illogical arguments and distorted views that definitely wreak havoc on your mental faculties. Narcissists must constantly do this to avoid falling into the depths of their own disordered reality, or the awareness of just how sick they really are so everything is basically a diversion to control us and their environment. So by playing these ridiculous and irrational mind games they think they raise themselves out of that dark world where they actually reside by tearing someone else down and walking all over that other person’s emotions and trampling down all of their boundaries – purely crazy or ‘crazy making.’ Think of bullies that have to put other people down or harm them so that they feel superior, but with a Narcissist this is all encompassing as far as their personality is concerned – as a matter of fact it IS THEIR COMPLETE being. They have to malign everybody in their world and keep this absurd control mechanism going so they can survive.

Here is an example: Say you have an argument with a close friend or family member. You look for support in your partner (the Narcissist) feeling you can trust their opinion. The Narcissist will use this opportunity to turn the situation around onto you or basically blaming you by purposely taking the side of the person you are discussing (whether you are right or wrong). They may tell you that you are overreacting, too sensitive, or outright agree with the third party. The conversation isn’t meant to help or enlighten you to fix the situation – it is meant to manage you down so you feel like you are WRONG!

They are essentially processing their victims which basically amounts to sucking the spirit right out of them, feeding off of the negativity, and the constant managing down that they do to their target/victims that destroys their self-respect – and all of this is done to be in complete control! So, apply the logic here and that is how the Narcissist gets THEIR self-respect, by stealing or taking it away from others. Yes, it sounds absurd but basically it describes what a bully does to overpower people and feel some sort of superiority because they themselves are totally insecure. It is despicable in itself that they infiltrate our world to harm us, but how they get us there to trust and listen to them is even more despicable because they manufacture a fake love first so we develop emotions for them and then use this against us as part of the BIG con or agenda.

So, in essence they also play this game to fight off the awareness of what a contemptible thing their conduct has made them. They are not powerful; they are NEGATIVE and use this as a weapon to control and harm the very people that love them. So, we constantly ask ourselves why do they do this, why did they pretend to love us to devalue us. WHY, why, why? Because these are very dysfunctional and miserable creatures that have extreme envy and even hate at the core of their disorder. You can’t put a real spin on this that would ever explain the why because they are disordered BUT you can see a clear picture or a reality shot of the complete game they play and it is destructive. With that in mind you have to actualize the very truth that your very survival and recovery depends on getting them OUT of your life forever or they will keep pulling you down further and further until it is almost impossible to get back up.

So, let’s just say that they ward off awareness of their extreme neediness by projecting most of it off and onto their target/victim – this is a diversion to keep you off balance and to make them feel powerful. But it is a vicious cycle with them because their existence will constantly challenge them and their illusions of their superiority – or basically the delivery of their contempt is ever-changing. Normal people can’t coexist in this parasitic relationship, especially one where your individuality is denied, and you are consistently managed down to question your own sanity. The Narcissist destroys every relationship because of their vast insecurities and need to win and feel superior. It is a dysfunctional cycle where they take every person from idealization to discard or from ‘charm to harm’ to achieve their dose of life sustaining supply. You have to understand that this Narcissist is nothing even near happy or full of the charm they exude. Their inner mind is so riddled with their insecurities and an insatiable need for external attention to survive. It completely rules their world and you can NEVER reach them because there is NO ‘them.’ They are stuck in this dysfunctional defensive mode and the slightest insult can send them into a major Narcissist injury so WE pay the price and always have a ‘bullseye’ on our back! They are NOT fit for human interaction.

All of this managing down is also done in a manner to create a strong dependence on them (the Narcissist.) They isolate you from the world and make you beg for their approval. They have to control their target/victims to stay in control or else that mask would come flying of and that monster behind it would be out of control and they would be hauled off and locked away in a cage.

I have said this MANY time before: PLEASE understand that the feeling of worthlessness that the Narcissist creates in your psyche is more PERCEIVED than real OR what the Narcissist says and does to make you FEEL like this worthless person that NEEDS them. There is no ‘them’ and they know this so they have to create a façade that they can’t keep up because there is nothing to back it up with internally so they have to also manage you down to weaken you so you are always diverted from the truth of how damaged they are. They have slowly but surely trained you to beg for their approval through manipulation and managing you down. Human beings love unconditionally but that implies that they are individuals that deserve reciprocation and individualism. Within that we voice concerns and at times disagree with one another and work through things. If you point out an error A Narcissist made they go into defensive mode to counter any such notion with anger, venting, rage, cold-shoulder, silencing, and punishing. There is no such thing as reciprocity with a Narcissist because you are NOT an individual interacting with them – you are an object for them to use that serves a specific purpose.

A Narcissist will make you feel special and then emotionally distance themselves from you in so many ways that keep you unsure of yourself – THEY ARE NOT VIABLE PARTNERS IN ANY TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP because they are damaged. Virtually all of their ideas or the way they are behaving in any given situation are stolen from others, perhaps people they know and think of as superior – they have many copycat personalities that they use to create any and all of their many facades. People are basically servants to them and Narcissists are blowhards, braggers, brow-beaters, bullies, big-headed, but totally bogus. They will very rarely talk about their inner life, memories and dreams, or emotions BECAUSE THEY HAVE NONE! Narcissists demand your trust rather than earning it. They only see you as extensions of themselves and you are not allowed any individuality and freedom. They fail to recognize people’s emotions and feelings because all they are able to recognize are their own needs and wants. There is no substance to them other than a façade, lies and what they manipulate from life and people. To sum it up – they are emotional and psychological abusers! No/minimal contact to free yourself from this abuse and to move forward to a healthy lifestyle. Greg

It is a daily thing when it concerns this abuse and over time the target/victim becomes numb to the fact that every day they are being managed down to feeling completely worthless, having issues, isolated, silenced, fearful, the ‘PROBLEM,’ completely confused and LOST!

It is a daily thing when it concerns this abuse and over time the target/victim becomes numb to the fact that every day they are being managed down to feeling completely worthless, having issues, isolated, silenced, fearful, the ‘PROBLEM,’ completely confused and LOST! There are level upon level of this gaslighting piling up on them that it becomes an emotional and psychological prison that they cannot escape – it is called TRAUMA.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

With psychological abuse from a Narcissist a target/victim gets so caught up in the highs and lows that constantly surround them that they never see the bigger picture AND the real danger they are in. These highs and lows don’t present themselves as concretely as most observers (people that have not been abused) want to believe. Most of the time the conflict between the Narcissist and the target/victim is a hit and run tactic and the target/victim has no sense of the reason behind it AND feel like they have to explain themselves. It comes out of nowhere, and usually there is no basis for the argument or the put downs so the target/victim isn’t aware of the particular issue or guilty of ANYTHING. Instead it is a tactic that the narcissist uses to confuse and disable the target/victim as well as control them. Without these attacks having a viable reason a target/victim is always out in left field and perpetually CONFUSED and feeling the need amend or fix SOMETHING!

It is also a daily thing when it concerns to this abuse and over time the target/victim becomes numb to the fact that every day they are being managed down to the feeling of worthlessness with level upon level of piling up to the point that it becomes an emotional and psychological prison. It is part of the disordered Narcissist’s agenda to make their partner feel small, manage them down, and in time disable them completely. Along with this the Narcissist isolates their target/victim from friends, family and loved ones so that they become solely dependent on the Narcissist. It is all out psychological warfare that a target/victim has no sense of. The target/victim is not prepared for battle because they don’t even know that there is a war waging right in front of them. The target/victim doesn’t realize that there is a terrorist in their life that means to harm or destroy them, nor could they even consider that the person doing this to them is actually their enemy because they love them in some form or fashion. The Narcissist enlists psychological warfare that is more like a tasteless and odorless poison that over time kills!

Targets/victims get so lost in the day to day managing down that they fail to see just how effective the Narcissist is at distorting their reality (the manipulation.) You are never having a REAL conversation with a REAL person. This is the essence of ABUSE and how we become desensitized and our reality distorted. Everything a Narcissist says (and does) has NOTHING to do with a normal ‘back and forth’ conversation between two normal people! You (target/victim) are COMMUNICATING and believing that the Narcissist is reciprocating, but they are observing and scheming through your words and actions. They are drawing information from you in a manner to know your strengths and weaknesses and how to use those against you. They may reply in what seems like a normal manner but they are actually interrogating you to draw out what they can and then they distort what they can so you never have a cohesive conversation with them. You will always find yourself WONDERING about something or other. The end result is that they have you where they want you.

When you came out of this you felt like you were in a fog, or better yet that your reality was altered and basically it was through the slow process of brainwashing and the manipulation from your perpetrator. You are traumatized, confounded and confused and wondering what hit you squarely in the brain. We are functioning, but not as we once did. If we were the person we were before this abuse we would have had a much clearer perspective AFTER discard, but unfortunately we are not that person anymore. We have gained the knowledge but we are vulnerable and damaged, so we really struggle.

We weren’t in denial in the beginning we were tricked, conned, manipulated, etc. But here is the point we also never realized this in its entirety while we were with them and WHY? Well because the agenda of the Narcissist was not apparent, and the manipulation was subtle and consistent. We were always drawn back into the abuse through Narcissistic magic or trickery. Day by day we were managed down more and more through the Narcissist’s vast arsenal of tools to the point that we were not in our original state of conscious thinking – our reality was altered by our perpetrator so they could harvest us as supply!

Along with this they employ so many techniques to confuse you, or make you question what you said, or basically always feeling like you have to explain yourself. That is how they gain the upper hand! Beyond the love bombing which was just another grand scheme to manipulate you into the abuse with words and actions, the remainder of the relationship will consume you with always feeling the need to defend yourself. There is no such thing as individuality with a Narcissist and they are not going to allow you to have needs or be anything but what they want you to be. The KEY point here is that the love you FEEL (conned into) connects you to a Narcissist as well as blinds you to the abuse because they dangle that love in front of you and make you basically beg to have it back. That is purely behavioral modification using withholding techniques to change you to accept their disordered abuse! Remember that they are employing their disguise to con everyone around them to get what they want, but the primary 24/7 supply suffers the most from this abuse. They have other sources of supply on the side to feed their out of control lifestyle, and minions that sing their praises. How sad and destructive for the primary 24/7 target/victim 9or ANY target/victim) to believe that what they have with a Narcissist is a relationship when it is nothing more than a place for the Narcissist to have constant supply as well as a refuge to hide the real truth of just how perverse they are concerning life and people. No/minimal contact always. Greg

The Narcissist’s world lacks any and all principle, thus the constant inconsistency of morals and anything and everything else that goes on in their world – NO MATTER WHAT THE COST IS TO ANYBODY. There is no one functioning basis of reality only entitlement to whatever they want AND the premise of whatever serves them!

The Narcissist’s world lacks any and all principle, thus the constant inconsistency of morals and anything and everything else that goes on in their world – NO MATTER WHAT THE COST IS TO ANYBODY. There is no one functioning basis of reality only entitlement to whatever they want AND the premise of whatever serves them!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Often, we hear that a Narcissist just does not care and THAT becomes such a confusing point of contention with us! Just what does that mean – how can another person possess such a void that they have absolutely no ability to care for another human being? Well it means that a Narcissist does not have the internal and normal functioning mechanisms required to PROHIBIT them from feeling the reality of the harm that they cause to the people that care or love them. Their whole being is a working mechanism (or a façade) and it lacks all empathy, emotion and the ability to bond with other human beings. WE on the other hand can logically differentiate what caring is as well as what hurt feels like because we do possess empathy, emotion, and the ability to bond and love. A Narcissist just cannot understand this and they wonder what goes on in our mind and why we make such a fuss about their lifeless emotions – they don’t know what we know, or feel what we feel – if you don’t know it you can’t feel it.

You can logically understand that a Narcissist does not possess the ability to care but you cannot understand or put yourself in the position to actually feel what it is like to be totally void of that ability to care so you CANNOT wrap your head around it at all. Your normal emotions will ALWAYS trump any understanding that a person could be so void of life, emotions, care, and love. We CANNOT know what makes a Narcissist tick – but we can believe from our experience with them that it is a non-functioning and destructive relationship. We MUST get out of TRYING to understand a Narcissist and just accept the truth around the fact they are disordered, and dangerous to our well-being. You cannot fix them, heal them, get back at them, or expect them to come to your aid in any other manner than with more manipulation and abuse – there is no closure that exists within the Narcissist as far as it concerns getting any sort of validation of the destruction and pain they caused to your life. You NEED to totally understand this to move on and recover – you need to do this so you concentrate on yourself and healing to move forward!

The Narcissist’s world lacks any and all principle, thus the constant inconsistency of morals and anything and everything else that goes on in their world – NO MATTER WHAT THE COST IS TO ANYBODY. There is no one functioning basis of reality! The only standards a Narcissists has are DOUBLE standards – none of which are ever consistent from one situation to the next. Narcissists are NOT consistent and they despise anyone that is consistent with their ethics, goodness, life, etc., because it exposes the Narcissist’s inconsistency and a constant reminder of their own self-deception. Like garlic to a vampire – they will hiss at it, try to destroy it, and run off into the darkness.

I can’t emphasize enough just how much we underestimate the truth/reality of the destructive pathological Narcissist who operates behind a facade of FAUX respectability and altruism. They are abusive to people, families, organizations, and life in general. The pathological Narcissist is a long-term plotter, like one of those brilliant chess players who can see the whole board and then plans ten or more moves ahead. It is almost impossible for anyone to uncover the complex and multi-layered schemes of such a person unless you are entirely aware of the depths of their level of intelligence used to manipulate and hide their disordered self – THEY ARE ALWAYS MANY STEPS AHEAD OF THE GAME. So to know one requires knowledge we don’t have OR could never understand if we did possess it, and even if we did unlock all of the truth we couldn’t fix them or even relate – so basically we are always left wide open to being perpetually deceived. That is just how good they are at this game to get their supply AND get away with it. We are ALL targets and objects of this abuse and it is never singular in nature because it destroys whole families, organizations, businesses, etc., and they have the right camouflage to hide among us and to protect themselves from being exposed. They are basically predators after prey and the chaos they inflict annihilates anybody that crosses their path. When we accept that and close the book to the emotions or whatever binds us to them, then we can accept the real and ugly truth and start to move on!

Lastly the awareness that others may have is a constant source of anxiety for the Narcissist and thus a huge need to constantly control their immediate world. The Narcissist is also aware of the limitations surrounding their facade of lies BUT only through the reactions from the people they abuse. When people talk with one another, they begin to acquire a much larger perspective of things and they begin to see a bigger picture of the Narcissist. The pathological Narcissist CAN’T afford to have people talking amongst themselves and sharing stories because it will expose them and destroy their façade. So, he/she will go to great lengths and carefully produce very devious and underhanded schemes to keep people divided. The Narcissist will create division among colleagues by planting lies about one person to another, and another about someone else. This can be a successful strategy because no one expects a highly intelligent adult to be carrying on like a scheming child or an emotionally disturbed adolescent. Since most people are unaware that they are truly dealing with a’ terroristic gossiper’ like a scheming Narcissist that is triangulating and maligning a target – it is much easier to believe the liar (Narcissist). This is the Narcissist’s damage control to protect their abusive agenda and keep an endless “SUPPLY.”

Again, WE MUST understand that this abuse is intentional and as much as it was such a personal part of us, it was purely the act of an emotionally and psychologically UNBALANCED and deviant human being. It seems insurmountable to try to erase what was reality to us as nothing more than a Narcissist sourcing us out to provide themselves with what they only needed to survive. Why do they go through such lengths to do this and why also destroy good people? Well I would say because it works for them, it gives them power to control us and maintain their constant supply from us. What other reason would motivate a person to act in this manner if it wasn’t tied to an agenda?

Yes, it is how they are wired, no empathy, no emotions, and they CAN’T love that is why this is labeled a personality disorder. But why do they destroy and damage good and unsuspecting people when it is bad enough that they extort them of their lives and love, yet alone have a knife to their back ready to destroy them at any given moment? WHY if they are getting what they so desperately need do they destroy a good thing then? BECAUSE they are not a fully functioning human being and cannot act on the same normal human premise to bond, care for, or love other human beings! So basically, they are psycho bullies, emotional manipulators, users and abusers as well as destructive and dangerous so never stay a moment longer with them once you know the truth. Your sanity has been pushed to the point that you are so vulnerable and basically functioning after the time you have spent with this person. Is it worth that to try to stay a moment longer and for what – to lose your sanity? Their truth is hidden behind so many lies, so if they can lie so easily to themselves to protect their damaged self they will most assuredly lie to us and about us to keep their dirty secrets hidden and take us down first! NO/MINIMAL CONTACT! Greg

One of the most obvious signs of malignant narcissism is the way they constantly and purposely malign others.

One of the most obvious signs of malignant narcissism is the way they constantly and purposely malign others. They are always remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider that friendship, care, or love should never hurt a person nor take them down a road of destruction.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist’s self-regulating and controlling mechanics always involves pulling people into their lair and extracting or better yet harvesting information from them AND in turn using this information for whatever GAIN they desire or to use against them! Be it the CHARM or love bombing to harvest their main sources of supply, or people to prop up their hideous façade of saintliness. If that entails being, charming, exciting, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it – just technique!

Their abuse is not only confined to a single person, but instead it is a complex network that includes their primary and secondary supply sources as well as their supportive adoring friends, family members, all of which are basically seduced into their roles too! The Narcissist NEEDS this network to survive (ALL supply) as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them. They need a network of people to support their ‘needy needs’ so this is a full-time job for them to control the world around them. BUT the key element is that they are always on the defensive and everybody is essentially an enemy or someone to use for support because their world is full of lies and holes as it concerns the pretend reality they PRESENT to us! They are quite used to getting busted and we all have an expiration date with them – so there is ALWAYS the devaluation and smear campaign for them to prepare for and that is why they have been gathering information AND releasing it (backstabbing) well before they are gone — so they have been backstabbing us all throughout the relationship to set up their farewell and total attack on our life.

So with that in mind the Narcissist is ALSO grooming others WITH a deceptive agenda – DIVIDE AND CONQUER. They feel such an intense high or euphoria when they play people against each other, ESPECIALLY when it becomes a competition for them to gain adulation/adoration. Narcissists will absolutely manufacture situations to make you jealous and question their connection with you, relationship, and even fidelity in a so-called love connection. They will even make you think that the people closest to you are talking behind your back. The Narcissist will present the allegations as a concern of course to minimalize the real agenda to put wedges in between you and the people closest to you. The reverse is also true because the Narcissist will go to the people closest to you and make them believe you have said things about them as well – AND only out of concern of course! This basically isolates you from the people closest to you and forces you to become dependent on the concerned Narcissist. Pure deception that destroys you as well as your integrity.

. Remember there is always a bigger picture AND rhyme to their reason – so they are doing this with everyone AND putting that wedge in between people with a bit of their back-stabbing to compartmentalize people or divide and conquer. They triangulate with your family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, co-workers, neighbors, ex partners, and yes potential new supply (but they usually do that on the side so we are none the wiser.) Whatever the situation they will triangulate so this even happens within the Narcissist’s own family structure and with their friends, etc. They are essentially triangulating everybody to stay in charge and control of their immediate world by playing one person against the next.

I often would wonder why destruction is also a component to this abuse. Just why doesn’t this Narcissist use their fake love to keep us entangled in their world to achieve everlasting supply. Well the answer is quite simple – without emotions and empathy they are cut off at the knees because there is no human bond or love within them so it is all about control which always has to have that destruction as a working component. Most importantly in understanding this is without the ability to bond with anyone they just get bored and need new and more exciting supply for affirmation like an addict needs their fix or substance to feed their addiction and believe me they are always searching for it. Normal people grow with their care and ability to love but not with a Narcissist. Just like a child with a new toy that they become bored with, they cast it off for another new toy. YES we are just like a toy to them or an object and that is all – that is why they can act so hateful without flinching because they do not care and can not care – but they can imitate those emotions like a pro when we are shiny and new to them, but then we see the truth behind the façade. We are only a TOOL for them as long as we provide continual supply for them or an OBSTACLE to destroy when we get in the way of their VAST amount of needs or until something else comes along. No/minimal contact to get them completely out of your life. Greg

Those stories you have heard about your Narcissist doing so well, or moving on, having NEW and better friends, in love again, or much happier without YOU is just ANOTHER façade and lie to diminish you more and make YOU feel that you aren’t normal and deserving of whatever relationship you had with them! They DO move on – but not for any other reason than to con and abuse the NEXT person and make THEM new supply! Just more theatrics!

Those stories you have heard about your Narcissist doing so well, or moving on, having NEW and better friends, in love again, or much happier without YOU is just ANOTHER façade and lie to diminish you more and make YOU feel that you aren’t normal and deserving of whatever relationship you had with them! They DO move on – but not for any other reason than to con and abuse the NEXT person and make THEM new supply! Just more theatrics!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

I heard ‘those stories’ and saw different things that were posted on the internet from my Narcissist and probably believed them all at the time. What I didn’t get was that all of these messages were posted for me to see as well as to bring adulation and attention to the Narcissist and deflect from the reality of how they abused me. It was more like this Narcissist TRYING to say look at me and my wonderful life now without you AND I told you that I would leave one day because YOU are the source of every problem! But what about the OTHER abusive relationships that preceded mine or yours – in my case an ex-spouse and kids that were left behind before me. YES – that is the point how about the many other failed relationships the Narcissist has had as well as the horrific relationship they just ended with us – this is where the truth lives? They bury their past targets/victims with these messages they send out to convince their minions that they are the healthy person and all of us (their past targets/victims) were the problem. The Narcissist’s past tells a distorted truth so they can wave whatever colorful flag they want to hide the truth but it doesn’t work to ERASE their abusive past ESPECIALLY WITH US. Only a fool or an enabling family can’t see the reality as it concerns the Narcissist’s constant relationship jumping. Remember real people have real empathy and the Narcissist understands this all too well and sees it as an opportunity (and weakness) to exploit everyone around them into believing their lies and ‘blaming’ everyone else.

So, remember, every message you may hear or see is sent to make you feel jealous, hurt you, and manage you down to keep you vulnerable and silent while your abuser runs off to avoid exposure. The messages are just more of the abuse being sent your way, so nothing has changed they are just abusing you from afar because THIS IS WHAT THEY DO and they will keep it up as long as you allow it. When I look back and piece these messages together I only see ‘crazy making’ and contradictory messages because my Narcissist had to convince many people once more that another failed relationship was NOT their fault. I saw this Narcissist back on their moralistic pulpit praying for everybody and their brother on the internet and PRETENDING to be such a strong and moral character, but I was receiving emails about their perverted sex life in private. WHO does that after ending a relationship but a person trying to inflict sadistic abuse on their victim to silence and desperately hurt them! I had to hear about their new supply and how wonderful life was through text messages and emails, but I also saw this Narcissist on sex sites looking for ‘other’ playmates. BUT you do not see this when you are fresh out of this abusive relationship because you are traumatized and still believing the huge con job, emotionally attached, and vulnerable – call it shell shock or whatever but you are not yet out of the fog and still reaching back out to this desperate love seeking closure and answers but what you get is more abuse because you still replay those destructive messages back and even believe them!

First take yourself back to the first days you were with your Narcissist. Were you in love or feeling a love connection. Did you BELIEVE that what you had was really LOVE? Well the answer of course is yes. This all falls under the category of how an abusive Narcissist ‘love bombs’ their target/victim to lure them in by gaining their trust through mimicking love. Well this new supply is in your shoes now and responding to the same disordered and manipulative gestures from the Narcissist that APPEARS to be a viable and loving person in THEIR life now. SO, it also APPEARS to be the real thing to them TOO! This Narcissist is not amazing and the healthy one that the world wants so desperately – they are only as amazing as the con job they create, and they are experts at what they do and they NEED a source of supply always. This is not a new love this is a new victim!

SO the main factor here is that this is the same abusive Narcissist but with a new person. This is simply what they do – move onto to a newer source of supply and there is no love or relationship here either. You simply CAN’T forget that you were with an emotionally abusive and controlling creature that would eventually demean, devalue and discard you and this abusive creature is going to repeat this same process with the new SUPPLY just as they did with you. Unfortunately the real truth that they are a Narcissist isn’t included in the equation when the ‘love bombing’ is going on. They trap, ensnare, gain our trust, and con us or process us in a manner to manage us down to gain control and power over us emotionally and psychologically so they can extort their precious supply from people. Remember also that you did have red flags or intuition about your Narcissist and those messages were there in our subconscious just as they are with the new supply but like us they are more than likely bending and justifying the little quirks about this Narcissist especially during the ‘love bombing.’

Now ask yourself were you a mentally challenged person when you entered into this relationship? I would believe most would say no. Unfortunately as time went on you were described as practically insane by the Narcissist, as well as a couple hundred other things to make you out to be worthless and that takes time to purge out of your mind. Those messages are still there with you because you were managed down slowly but surely to accept this role with your abuser without even knowing it and AGAIN the new supply will be managed down and disabled in the same way that you were! You were blamed, shamed, told you were everything bad. With that in mind you were put in a role that locked your mind up in these distortions (brainwashing, gas-lighting, manipulation, etc.) and trying to do more and more to alleviate all of these so-called problems you had to get the relationship back on track. The Narcissist was the driving force behind all of this to keep you trapped in confusion each and most every single day. Remember they had an arsenal of tools to do this because that is what they do, and they are utilizing these tools with this new supply too!

The love bombing or the feeling of being in love became a distant memory and a goal that you desperately worked on each and every day to try to fix so you could return to that amazing ‘love.’ This became all-encompassing and probably for a very long time. It actually became a part of you and is still there residing inside of you and now it is traumatizing because you lost the so-called battle and you have no closure or answers. Now you are basically disabled by all of the abuse with so many questions and looking from the outside in at the Narcissist and this so called new and amazing life of theirs. That Narcissist warned you that you better change OR ELSE. Well the ‘or else’ happened and who are you blaming? Yourself! You are in a position that you are very vulnerable and isolated because there is not much support for you out there. You search for PERSONAL answers wherever you can find them and sometimes that leads you to places you shouldn’t be like peaking at the Narcissists activity on the internet, etc. Recovery becomes leaving the Narcissist completely behind and that means physically and mentally.

So today or whatever day you are sitting there and feeling such a debilitating and sick feeling in the pit of your stomach because of something you saw or heard that this Narcissist is off and having the time of their life with a new person is just ambient abuse OR all about the Narcissist warping your reality from a distance. This is still all about the devaluation that you spent so much of your time trying to reconcile and now you are trying to reconcile THIS. You believed that so much of this was your fault and that still lingers in your mind. You are still trying to fix this in some manner to alleviate the pain you feel, but now it is only at a distance and you are the only participant. That Narcissist is off and into a new target/victim, so on top of everything else you are searching for more answers BUT now with another layer of abuse that has been inflicted on you. There aren’t any REAL answers out there but there is the truth. What you see are only more distorted images (concerning the new supply) that lead you back to feeling like YOU were/are unworthy – again all lies! This is the emotional and psychological ABUSE or what I call psychological rape!

The old messages that we draw our conclusions from loving this Narcissist can damage us more and become a driving force especially as it concerns this abuse because all of those messages were destructive, manipulative and meant to manage us down AND if you replay those messages they will do just that. There is no closure just tons of messages from a disordered creature that wants you to feel their wrath as well as abuse you just a little bit more to perhaps take you over the edge – I had to deal with this for almost a YEAR. Don’t let it because it will only lock you up in a vicious circle of obsessive thoughts that have no basis of reality because you are dealing with a Narcissist and you NOW know what they are and do. They want to continue to control you and enjoy it with all of their off-color messages and lies of happiness. The many supporters they SEEM to have are surface friends that haven’t had to deal with their abuse personally as we have so they are clueless and lack the depth to see the real truth. Narcissist don’t maintain or harbor deep friendships, they con and abuse any and every relationship for their convenience. We can’t blame the new supply or dislike them, because we were in THEIR shoes once and look where it got us, BUT we also protected the monster and stayed with them until we couldn’t anymore. This is abuse, and the cycle reappears with each and every new person this Narcissist locks into their lives – they will end up here one day as well trying to figure out what happened and feeling destroyed. No/minimal contact to end the madness once and for all! Greg

Love BOMBING – appropriately named as far as the ‘BOMBING’ part, because it blows up your complete life when it detonates – BUT there is nothing even remotely close to LOVE there!

Love BOMBING – appropriately named as far as the ‘BOMBING’ part, because it blows up your complete life when it detonates – BUT there is nothing even remotely close to LOVE there! With this abuse you have to pull it back to the beginning to understand that the extreme CHARM or love-bombing was the biggest manipulation that started you off in the cycle of this abuse and accept the truth that they are pathological con artists that are after something YOU have and THEY need. Remember they have turned this CHARM on and off as a tool to use to keep you tangled up in this maze of abuse!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The manipulation all started on the very FIRST day you met this Narcissist when you experienced that extreme charm that set you up to fall prey to their abusive lifestyle and become the next target or source of supply – but you believed it was love and that started you out on this horrendous journey with a personality disordered Narcissist.

When all is said and done, and the Narcissist has moved on AND probably to new supply you are/were left dumbfounded, vulnerable, and in total disbelief because of those emotions that you were tricked into believing were real – or what YOU believed was love! The first thing that comes to mind is going back, fixing this, maybe you can change him/her AND actually the same thoughts that ran through your mind a MILLION times throughout the entire relationship. How many times did the relationship go back and forth like this and you would fight/argue and then within a few days you would get back together again. This process would repeat itself over and over again and it was short lived, and you were devalued, blamed and shamed, and punished even more. It would always come back to this same point.

I would often come out of the fog for a few moments of sanity and ASK myself if I was actually so bad or doing something so wrong then why didn’t this Narcissist just leave and move on. Well because I still had supply potential that this Narcissist wanted and needed and probably there wasn’t new supply to move onto YET! Why didn’t I just realize the truth that I was a good person, and this was total insanity? But I want to make a very valid point here – we were conditioned, manipulated, brainwashed, and hijacked from reality the very first day the Narcissist started with the ‘charm’ or ‘love bombing’ to accept this symbiotic role of abuse with them or a predator after prey! This is a hard concept to accept but once you get to the truth through knowledge, education and the support from other victim’s and survivor’s you will get to your ‘ah ha’ moment!

Love bombing is not just confined to relationships – it is that CHARM trap that a Narcissist uses on all of their targets to get their foot in the door – or basically into your mind and heart – it is also the manipulation they use to keep you believing in them – it is that push and pull that keeps their victims in that dizzying confusion – or controlled by the Narcissist.

In the beginning you did not perceive this as ‘love bombing’ or probably even heard of this term before. You were flattered that he/she was paying so much attention to you. There were all of those simple to complex gestures, be it compliments, love notes, many great text messages or phone calls, etc. – but it was as if it were a scene from a romantic movie. Guess what, basically that is all it was, a fictional scene with a role that was written personally for you by this Narcissist that had no basis of reality. It was purely fictional to move you in a manner to continue to watch and allow the movie to play out in your life so the Narcissist could receive the big payoff for their personal investment in you or to use you as the next source of supply.

A little bit more clarity about this ‘love bombing.’ The Narcissist was constantly assessing you and then mirrored back to you everything that was positive about you and it felt like you had so much in common and you felt a bond. The truth is that he/she was reflecting back onto and into you exactly what you wanted or NEEDED to hear so you would believe in their façade which was really a trap to con you into their agenda! The Narcissist was grabbing all of your attention and focusing it right back onto you. If he/she didn’t gain this type of control over you then you might not be his/her most viable source of supply and they did it quickly once they assessed you as a good and viable source of supply. Again this is purely manipulation to gain your complete trust and dependence on him/her and to control you.

Think about it in simpler and non-clinical terms. Love bombing really isolates you and it doesn’t give you much time to think about anything but them or what is happening. It hides the real truth about them and within a very short period of time, it takes ALL of your time and attention away from your life in general and other people AND again isolates you with all the amazing attention. It moves the relationship forward without giving you enough real time to assess the whole situation. It is just too good to be true so you go with it because it resembles that fairy tale prince/princess charming or something very familiar to that dream of meeting your soul mate!

It is really mind control with an agenda. Wow he/she really likes me and is this the ‘real’ love of my life? We have SO much in common so how could this be anything but the real thing! You feel like you know him/her so completely perhaps in another life? This person really cares or LOVES ME! It blinds you in a manner that reality is thrown out the window. This is what fairytales are made of and WOW can it be real? Well it was just a fairytale but with a horrendous ending!

It is important that a Narcissist move the relationship forward very quickly otherwise you might see the many red flags or all the negativity and destruction from their past lives. You might not notice that he/she is basically shunned by their biological family, has many enemies, doesn’t actually have a job, etc. You don’t see the real monster under that thin veneer of goodness or mask that they wear so well. They were deflecting from the real truth to make you their next target/victim. Remember this is an investment for them and they need their sources of supply to survive so they HAVE to be this good!

Their motive is always to control. So, they are very effective with this love bombing or ‘charm’ in a very short period of time. It gives you the impression that you are falling in love OR are in love and you have met your soul mate. Nope it is ownership and this Narcissist has isolated you from people to hide the very truth of how disordered they are as well as their agenda to extort what they can from you by making you their primary supply. You want to pursue this grand relationship and who wouldn’t want to? This was/is someone that you feel is so special to you and it feels like the real thing!

With this abuse you have to pull it back to the beginning to understand that this love was the biggest manipulation that started you off in the cycle of this abuse. That emotional bond that the Narcissist created and tendered with you was their most horrendous and hideous tool to achieve their agenda to extort you as their newest source of supply and KEEP YOU THERE. You must pull it back to the day this all started and realize what an amazing person you were then and STILL are now. You walked into this trap with empathy, unconditional love and goodness and those qualities were disabled in you by this abuse.

You must empower yourself with the fact that you still are that amazing person and you were psychologically terrorized and that has traumatized you, your belief systems, your self-esteem and your whole life. You have to realize that this was situational, and you are NOTHING even near to what this Narcissist reduced you to believing through the managing down or the devaluation. You must fight to repurpose yourself back into the world without allowing that Narcissist to live inside of your head and heart forever. Evict that Narcissist from your head once and for all because they will only abuse you more. This was a disaster in your life and the trauma is real, but it can also be desensitized through the healing process. There is nothing to look back on once you get to the real truth that you were dealing with a personality disordered person as in fixing the relationship or helping them. You MUST now look forward and FIX yourself by purging the horrendous messages and actions out of your head and heart with the truth. Get back to the real world you once knew – you CAN do this because you are stronger than you know. Start with no/minimal contact for the clarity to begin the journey! Greg

Narcissist – the great manipulator, the great liar, the great betrayer, the great scam artist, and the greatest destroyer of a persons emotional and psychological well-being!

Narcissist – the great manipulator, the great liar, the great betrayer, the great scam artist, and the greatest destroyer of a persons emotional and psychological well-being!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists ALWAYS tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions. In turn they will accuse and blame others to divert attention away from themselves and the truth. A Narcissist will refuse to accept the perspective of any human being, but they will irrationally defend their own distorted/delusional position and lies as well as force you into accepting them as reality and the end result is that you discard or dump YOUR normal and healthy reality. Narcissists always make people feel that they HAVE to please them.

They cunningly access and withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing because it gives them the ability to control and manipulate future events. A Narcissist will slowly but surely erode their target/victim’s reality, self-esteem and spirit! Narcissists completely avoid and NEVER acknowledge the feelings of others, yet they will often bring up how their emotions are being affected and how WE don’t respect or honor their needs. They are eternal victims and NOTHING you do is worthy of meeting their needs. “We JUST don’t love them enough,” OR SO THEY TELL US!

They will slight a target/victim or perhaps make them accept digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the Narcissist to say they were just kidding while still being abusive and hurting the target/victim.

Narcissists will completely change the subject to divert attention back onto themselves. You could be talking to them about a serious matter and it will be dismissed in moments, so the Narcissist has all the attention right back where they feel it belongs – ON THEM. Or they will BULLY you with shouting, dismiss you, and walk away. You never feel that anything about you is important enough for consideration by the Narcissist and you are right!

Narcissists make others feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the miserable level of the Narcissist. They always threaten or hint of some form of punishment that they will inflict if YOU don’t do exactly what they are asking or accept what they are saying. THEN of course they will reinforce this with blame as if you did something that deserves their actions and disdain. They will dismiss you completely and silence you. YOU CAN NEVER MEET ANY OF THEIR EXPECTATIONS!

They will be cold, quiet, and distant, then deny that anything is wrong, but it feels as if they ARE angry. But you can’t access what it is, so you will have no sense of what is going on to help you feel at ease with them. On the flip side there will be inappropriate emotional outbursts to also distract attention, confusing their targets/victims and shifting blame for something you AGAIN have no real sense of. You are ALWAYS left feeling like you are walking on those infamous eggshells with them or always confused and feeling conflicted as to a cohesive reality with them!

Narcissists ALWAYS try to control others to domineer and limit freedom of expression/speech or individuality. Again, controlling the environment around them with confusion, chaos, bullying and negativity. They are ALWAYS instilling fear or retaliatory punishment for anyone that doesn’t comply with their EVERY wish. They will also deny you ANY success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling you out or basically placing you in the category of a loser and not worthy of proper recognition. Their word is the FINAL word always! A target/victim could have accomplished something so worthy of recognition and the Narcissist will never respond with a supportive word or a congratulation, instead they will minimalize the entire accomplishment OR even find fault in it. They will put a handle on any positive situation to make you doubt your achievement of success. They continually manage people DOWN! You lose your reality with them

Narcissists always forget commitments and promises purposely because there was nothing real behind their words in the first place – just more of their manipulation to keep you believing. They will even deny that they promised to do something to try to make you believe you are imagining things.

Narcissists will take advantage of any vulnerability using shame, guilt, and fear to make a target feel worthless by highlighting simple insecurities they may have. This could even be done in a manner where the Narcissist will make fun of the target/victim’s physical attributes in a cruel overt manner.

A Narcissist’s actions, promises, and reality in every situation are totally out of alignment. They ALWAYS say one thing and do another. For example, they preach morality, BUT they have no morals and act on their impulses regularly. They may PRETEND to follow a religious doctrine and praise themselves for religious values but actually possess NONE of these values whatsoever. In actuality they ARE the very sinners that they are denouncing, preaching about, and pointing fingers at. The Narcissist I dealt with was/is infamous for this!

Narcissist are only nice when all other options have been removed or when they feel they are trapped into a corner or up against a wall. This is usually when the truth is so evident that they have no other option available to them. There is no remorse to what they have done, they are just trying to wriggle out of being totally exposed for what they have done AND what they are. They also want to keep you trapped in the abuse so they can keep extorting what they can or achieving supply with their insincere apology and patronizing gestures. In time they will replace you once you have actually caught onto their lies and agenda, BUT of course you are to BLAME for their actions! You are the disordered one and you have abused THEM, and they are “running for their lives” (a favorite and OVER used quote of my Narcissist.) That is really a distorted lie and excuse that they have moved onto a new source, but they are going to keep you locked up in confusion, lies, and abuse surrounding their departure for as long as they can. They will actually PULL you back into the abuse making you think that there is a possibility of reconciliation. It is just a way for them to achieve more chaos to disable you as much as they can as well as implicate you as being obsessed when THEY are the ones that initiate contact to use against you. Keeping you vulnerable also keeps their abuse hidden from the world.

When they are having a conversation, be it one on one or even in a group setting, they will completely cut someone off as if they are not allowed to speak. Narcissists suppress self-expression and individuality to support their omnipotence and power over others by controlling everyone in their world. Basically, they eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves to feel superior and omnipotent! It shores up their false identity and makes them feel so worthy when it is all based on lies and distortion, BUT THEY JUST DON’T SEE IT AS THIS! They are delusional and self-affirming to support their needy needs.

Narcissist will ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses. They push everyone’s buttons. They will even go as far as humiliating people in public situations to show their superiority. They are psycho bullies. By pushing buttons and highlighting a person’s sensitivity they gain power and evoke fear in the target/victim of choice. They ACTIVATE a person’s insecurities to gain power and superiority over them.

Through their vast arsenal of tools to manipulate a Narcissist will pretend to understand a person’s concerns, but then they will blatantly break every boundary and step all over those concerns and basically violate them and you! If they CAN’T control a person they will slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of this person. Narcissists RUIN people’s lives.

Narcissists will always attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They won’t believe they make mistakes and they have no ability to feel or process or truly understand shame.

ALWAYS remember that lies and deceit are a natural part of the narcissist’s world. The old saying, “the best liars lie to themselves first” really applies to Narcissists as well as “the lie often repeated is far more convincing” and they repeat their lies many times over! A Narcissist has the amazing ability to believe their own lies even when they fly in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. You HAVE to take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. A friend of mine always said to me “if they are breathing they are lying” and it is the truth!

LASTLY! Don’t allow yourself to ride on this emotional roller coaster through hell because it is never ending! So then heed this warning and live by it – once you leave OR are out of the relationship the Narcissist doesn’t need you anymore and its more than likely (pretty much a guarantee) you were emotionally and physically replaced long before the separation or discard AND they are out to destroy your integrity AND you to avoid exposure.

Everything I outlined here is taken directly from my experience with the Narcissist I knew. Unfortunately, I was blinded by the manipulation, constant lies, and brainwashing, but NEVER again. I ‘believed’ and never saw the train wreck in front of me. Was I a damaged person? No not in the normal reality of the behavioral sciences as in having a mental illness or a personality disorder but I became the byproduct of the disabling abuse by being in the company of a highly dysfunctional and disordered person. I have insecurities, I have wounds, I may trust a little too much, I get angry, etc. – BUT, I am a good person that respects people. I give and love unconditionally, and I know when enough is enough. I get hurt but I don’t destroy and punish people because of this, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and ALLOW them the opportunity to talk and work through things. THAT is having empathy, that is creating a viable relationship with give and take, that is being unconditional and trying to give the benefit of the doubt to a person you care about – that is giving of yourself and this is what bonding SHOULD be with another person – unfortunately with a Narcissist it is all TAKE and no give! This is the IMPORTANT lesson we must take from the abuse – WE ARE THE NORMAL AND AMAZING PERSON HERE that was severely manipulated and that has disabled much of our being, psyche, heart, mind, and soul. No/minimal contact. Greg

What describes this abuse? It is psychological terrorism and emotional rape by a personality disordered Narcissist that can push a good person to the edge of disparity and even over that edge. It is NOT only an abuse about relationships – it is abuse of families, children, organizations, where you work, or anywhere a Narcissist is present.

What describes this abuse? It is psychological terrorism and emotional rape by a personality disordered Narcissist that can push a good person to the edge of disparity and even over that edge. It is NOT only an abuse about relationships – it is abuse of families, children, organizations, where you work, or anywhere a Narcissist is present.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

This type of abuse has exposed you to horrible manipulation, betrayal, resounding fear and terror because of the coercive methods from the Narcissist as well as dehumanizing control. Most people just presume that they would show greater courage, strength, and resistance than the victim in similar circumstances. They will just tell the target/victim to move on and allow time to heal the wounds. What does this message say OR do to the target/victim? It makes them BELIEVE that they ARE the source of their own problems. Time alone does not heal these wounds! Unfortunately for the target/victim there is the tendency to account for the target/victim’s behavior as flaws in THEIR personality as if they gave into or deserved the abuse because they did not leave the Narcissist. Nobody is listening to the real truth of your situation because it sounds so incredulous so the pleas for help are lost with the misinterpretation of your situation. Once AGAIN the target/victim is left with more isolation, damage, vulnerable AND alone to figure this out on their own. This is a very lonely and scary place to be!

It is not the target/victim JUST grieving the loss of love, it is the grieving of the dehumanization and subjugation from their perpetrator or the Narcissist. The target/victim bundles everything up and somehow even blames themselves as if they created everything they are feeling as well as deserve it. There may be biological children involved, financial ruin and character assassination waiting for the target/victim as well from the Narcissist’s smear campaign. This is probably the darkest time of the target/victim’s life – having to deal with the total devaluation, discard, and devastation from someone that they BELIEVED loved them and cared for them! This is betrayal so hideous that a person that has never experienced this abuse could never even start to realize the damage that is done to a target/victim.

With emotional and psychological battering victims are entrapped by extreme manipulative and psychological persuasion over a lengthy period of time AND it is NOT something they want happening to them by any means. What was the nature of our perpetrator when we met them? Did they have us at gunpoint forcing us into this psychological terrorism or did they offer us something so very familiar, normal, trustworthy and welcoming called LOVE? Yes they did and if that doesn’t define a predator I don’t know what does! I have met very many wonderful friends from all over the world since I started writing about this abuse that I interact with daily. They are some of the strongest people I have ever encountered. There isn’t anything about them that shouts out to me that they allowed their abuse! They are full of love, empathy and high functioning individuals!

Well let’s go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let’s define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced and unhealthy and basically not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or they are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims. The key words that describe the whole cycle of abuse are love-bombing, devaluation, discard and I always add DESTROY! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled.

The journey to recovery is now a process because we were unconsciously living and dealing with all the destructive messages we internalized and validated as our reality. We must seek out education about this abuse and the truth about our situation as a key to unlock the door to our recovery. Yes those messages are going to be in our head for a good while BUT we have to create a healthy balance and desensitize them. What this means is that we have to move into a place where it is possible for us to recognize that a person HAS betrayed us in a manner to control us through mental abuse. We have to think about it in terms to validate the truth of the situation, but not to try to dissect the Narcissist and put our energy into trying to get into their heads. We spent a great deal of time trying to fix or basically heal them and we gave away too much of ourselves. Turn this around and accept the truth that they are completely disordered and put that healing power back into yourself. You deserve so much better than this! DISCARD that Narcissist completely from your heart and mind and reclaim the amazing person you ARE and always have been! No/minimal contact always! Greg

The Narcissist purposely creates negative confusing, conflicting, and manipulative messages that trap us in our own heads – THIS is a highly disordered person controlling you with emotional and psychological abuse!

The Narcissist purposely creates negative confusing, conflicting, and manipulative messages that trap us in our own heads – THIS is a highly disordered person controlling you with emotional and psychological abuse!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

There are many ways that a Narcissist will confound or confuse your thought processes, isolate you, and hold you prisoner without that Narcissist even being in your presence. The Narcissist creates negative messages that trap us in our own heads. Be it raging, accusing, silencing, and distancing themselves from you for days, accusing or whatever they decide to throw your way. All of these methods are hideous forms of abuse to debilitate you/us and make you conform to their rules. They bait us with an argument or accusations, this escalates usually with the Narcissist taking it to a higher level of dysfunction, we are left dumbfounded with their hit and run message, and then they go into the punishment mode by running off or silencing us and we are left in shock or traumatized by the nonsense. LASTLY, we are left to our own devices especially when we try to rationalize any of this with our own mind and the ‘poison’ they injected into us.

I was continually baited with nonsensical accusations like being unfaithful (which I was not,) and out of the blue my Narcissist would throw these crazy stories at me. “I know you are on every dating/sex site looking to hook up!” “I ran into a friend when I was out and they told me that they KNOW it is you!” Then ‘BAM’ the Narcissist judge would sentence me to 3 days of isolation, confinement, and silencing! The argument escalated without knowing the name of the so-called witness, proof, or the ability for me to speak. I knew the truth as far as it concerned me, but I also knew that when one of these scenarios would arise that my Narcissist was totally irrational and whatever I said or did would only amount to an attack of rage. I was CONDITIONED to accept these insane bouts of crazy making, accusations, and rage as a part of my relationship. What was my rationale in this, or why did I allow the accusations? Well because I couldn’t escape the accusations or the argument? Yes, I did think my Narcissist was insane at times, but I wanted these behaviors to stop and somehow work through these things so we could get things back on track again. I was the insane one for buying into all of it and trying to apply some sort of rationale or logic! By allowing myself to justify each of these stories and attacks, I was allowing myself to accept the abuse as my normal.

The Narcissist’s actions are meant to leave us in a very confused and vulnerable state, one that makes us challenge our own mind and reality and then pull us further into the abuse or basic brain-washing and conditioning. You/we throw reality, our intuition, and everything that we know to be true right out the window. Your persona has been eroded by the many mixed messages and confusion that a Narcissist creates and has created (in the past) with so many other situations. All of this is compounded by your ‘emotional connection’ to this Narcissist. You feel real emotions from the ‘love bombing’, but the Narcissist doesn’t feel any emotions, nor do they bond with us and this is NOT a conventional relationship by any means and never will! BUT to us this was real and we believed in it!

The human brain works in a manner that chemicals or endorphins are released in response to something that makes us feel wonderful and that gives us that euphoric feeling. BUT the opposite is true, when the stimulus that made us feel so wonderful is withdrawn from us and the production of the endorphins shuts down causing anxiety and even depression. Just simple Psychology! It is very common that a Narcissist can be so incredibly charming and perfect in the beginning of the relationship (love bombing) and you fall strongly in love. As a result of this AND the Narcissist’s manipulative agenda, you soon become strongly connected or even addicted to the immense highs from them and you still want this love available to you. It is an amazing love and MEANT to be that way to start the cycle of abuse! In normal relationships, it is reciprocated back and together you BOTH fall deeply in love. But with a Narcissist they dangle this love in front of you and then pull it away and make you basically beg to get it back – they use this love as a tool to disable us! The Narcissist is grooming you in this back and forth manner to make you dependent on them. It is dehumanizing how they psychologically abuse a good and loving person to beg for their acceptance and love, especially when they initiated the whole process by tricking us into loving them to only bring us to our knees. There is nothing simple as it concerns being brainwashed or psychologically abused in this manner.

A Narcissist sets this all-in motion with purpose and intent. The confusion keeps you frozen in time, vulnerable and blind to the reality that they are managing you down. This is the method to their madness to keep you/us right there with these distorted messages and traumatized while they are away securing other supply, betraying you or whatever they have going on. You are left isolated and attacking your own reality through their words and actions. They start the abuse and you finish it by going through the motions of blaming yourself and trying to make sense out of this darkness they left you in. REMEMBER in the beginning the Narcissist preceded this horrendous managing down (devaluation) with their ‘love bombing.’ We saw it (and still see it) as a viable relationship, but in fact it was part of their agenda to gain our trust first, then objectify us to harvest supply. An object just needs to be what it is, and serve a purpose. If it doesn’t function in this capacity it is replaced. We aren’t objects but the Narcissist has to manage us down, control and essentially we become one because THAT IS WHAT WE WERE GROOMED TO BE! Stop believing in what was never really there in the first place. Do whatever it takes to reason this out with the truth that you already know and finally break this cycle of abuse that disabled you and has you down for the count. No/minimal contact to completely stop the madness and abuse! Greg

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