THIS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, NOR COULD YOU HAVE FIXED THIS OR CHANGED THE OUTCOME! Repeat this as many times as you can – because THIS will set up the first steps to recovery or actualizing the truth that this was situational abuse from a severely disordered and abusive person or a NARCISSIST! Knowledge and a strong education are the first important steps to starting on your journey to complete recovery!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
SAY NEVER! We never, never, never deserved this and most assuredly NEVER, EVER asked for this abuse because of WHO we are. We wonder where our prince/princess charming has gone and WHAT HAS HAPPENED that made this go so wrong because now they are more like Dr. Jekyll and Mr./Ms. Hyde. Well the time has come that we HAVE to move forward and learn about these predators. We have ONE DIRECTION and that is forward and now it is time for some education about this abuse and THAT is where you must go. We could only have wished we had known that this was abuse prior to this deceptive and destructive experience – but how could we have known that this really existed and that there are predators out there like a psychologically abusive Narcissist. Now, after the fact the situation I all too real and it has basically traumatized you, your belief system, your worth, your entire life.
Time to educate, liberate, and free yourself! Your knowledge will be your success in recovering. It will break the chain of this abuse OR thinking we can help them, cure them, use our ‘love’ to fix them and reverse this, change them, OR plead, bargain or negotiate with this abuser. You WILL quickly realize it is impossible and how the abuser REALLY wants us to react to keep us chained up in the chaos of this abuse and under their control. We will finally comprehend they have a problem we can’t possibly fix. We also understand that we are not the one with the problem, worthless, crazy or anything that this Narcissist manipulated us into believing. Malignant Narcissists are masters at their game AND targeting our empathy, caring, and nurturing instincts as well as capturing us through their fake charm and ‘love.’ If you’ve been attempting to fix this over and over again, STOP and accept the inevitable failure of these attempts and accept the reality, they are what they are (abusive) and there is only one direction and that is OUT of their disordered world and free from them. We have to fix ourselves and right all the wrongs and return back to a real life and the living again.
Now it is time that we have to ‘be real’ about all of this and do damage control to save ourselves, and our families from this attack on our lives AND MOVE FORWARD. Just like being in war we must create and build a concrete bunker from this point on to protect ourselves from the enemy. We cannot hide in this bunker forever but we can stay there until we understand what we need to understand to see that this battle was situational and we have won with no/minimal contact because we took our power back from this Narcissist and now clarity and truth will light the remainder of our way to recovery.
Their pathology and personality traits are so deeply ingrained into the cycles of this abuse that they are totally out of control and beyond ANY HELP WE COULD OFFER. They live a dangerous and perverse lifestyle and have ridiculously bad judgment as it concerns any other human beings – they just don’t care what they do and hurting others is simply part of the process of getting everything they want. AGAIN – they simply don’t care who they hurt, be it their spouse, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, biological children, friend, co-worker and even their pets. They DO NOT possess the mechanics of empathy, emotions, bonding or love. Their world is satisfied ONLY through EXTERNALIZED stimulation or objectification of people – simple put they extort everything they need from people and life.
They are not able to be in a close relationship or any relationship for that matter because there is no constraint in their life as it concerns their delusional and destructive actions (pathology) toward other people. THEY JUST DON’T CARE (there I said it again) and this IS the real and ONLY truth we must accept to move on and away from them. They lie and betray to manipulate us into believing that they care so they can use AND abuse every aspect of our lives. It is not just deception as it concerns relationships – they deceive the whole world by faking credentials, re-writing history, creating a new façade for every person they meet so they can take what they want with a disguise that can fool anybody and everybody.
We mourn the loss of reality in our life, along with dreams, memories, time together, small laughs and shared experiences. We mourn the loss of our complete life as if a part of us was erased or died from this hideous abuse. Our emotional scars cause us to doubt and question the real truth of this ugly reality. We are merely disposable objects to them, and that is incomprehensible to us. The abuse destroys our core beliefs about ourselves and life in general because this abuse is a traumatizing disaster that imprints itself on our hearts and minds and we struggle through this to fix all of that damage – but it is a MUST so we do not stay locked up in this abuse forever.
The Narcissist will most certainly react to the use of personal boundaries (or our resistance to their control) but if we are to succeed and break the cycle of this abuse we have to build an impenetrable fortress to keep them out of our lives and heads forever. Violence is always a possibility with a Narcissist so keep this first and foremost in your mind ALWAYS. Be unyielding in protecting yourself with your personal AND physical boundaries as well as with your decisions and expectations from this person. This will go a long way in lifting yourself out from this thick fog of confusion and boosting your self-esteem and ending the abuse because you are taking the control away from the Narcissist and back where it belongs with yourself. Refuse to be a target/victim and don’t be a willing participant in your own abuse by ever conceding to this Narcissist ever again.
The process of ‘leaving and grieving’ is emotionally devastating and lengthy. Remember that there are options out there like professional therapy or joining a support group to reinforce the fact that you are not alone in this. You are not JUST a victim in this abusive situation, you were targeted. In other criminal offenses, the word premeditated is a word often used to describe an action that was thought out beforehand! Don’t expect other people (no matter how close they are to you) to understand what you have been coping with. Without having their own experiences with disordered partners or Narcissists, they cannot fully understand and they won’t be able to offer the real emotional support you need and it is very disappointing to feel so alone without someone to understand and support you now. Don’t take it personally because you have enough on your plate already and you don’t need to feel abandoned and invalidated any more than what you already are. Remember it is hard enough for YOU to understand this yet alone someone else so your stories will sound incredulous. The important point here is to NOT isolate yourself but instead seek out the support of other victims and survivors. This is our plight to fix those diseased parts from this abuse just as if it were a physical emergency that required medical attention and time to recuperate and heal.
Let’s think and talk about your emotions at this point. So, I will say what most every other writer says – YOUR EMOTIONS will be on a rollercoaster ride with so many highs and lows. There will be many times when you doubt yourself, and question the reality of this all and WHY you. You can expect good and bad days, obsessive thinking, and thoughts of revenge, anger and serving justice. This is all part of the process. Just thinking about what happened is going to stir up all the negativity but essentially is a part of recovery so you can externalize or get rid of it from your mind and get to a healthy life again. We are inquisitive creatures and we NEED to understand so we can make real decisions, form thoughts accordingly, and then grow with this knowledge. Keep a journal it is an amazing tool because it requires a commitment on your part to keep active and stay strong and on track to recover – it is also wonderful therapy. I did it and it helped me out tremendously because I could read my thoughts on paper and it was like looking from the outside in and gave me a truer perspective when I came back to those thoughts. Surround yourself with good and normal people that can make you smile and even laugh and reach out to them even when you don’t feel like being around people.
Let’s talk about the relationship with ourselves because we need to be firm with ourselves too. We need to live in the reality of the situation to heal and move forward or stay in this fog forever. We have to ditch that ‘if only’ or need for closure WITH the Narcissist involved, or that obsessive thinking that keeps us hooked and wanting to see what’s happening in their lives. We need to accept the truth that we MUST detach and be strong and resist the urge to reconnect with them. Time is our best friend. If we do have to reconnect with this abuser because of obligations – BUSINESS ONLY!
OK, so this is the start of your journey or the first few steps to start out on that road to recovery and that involves fully understanding that you were a victim of this abuse and the person you loved or cared for was personality disordered. It was pathological in such an extreme manner that it is just impossible to understand how another human being could be so cruel and abhorrent to lead a basically good, caring, and loving person down a road of psychological abuse that essentially could destroy or damage them for life. This is a feeling that nobody could ever understand – there are NO ADEQUATE words to describe the feeling of what this abuse does to a sane, loving and empathic person. To understand the time that is lost, the EXTREME betrayal, and the experience of feeling worthless AND punished for no other reason than the fact that you were at the wrong place at the WRONG time and chosen by a predator to be their next victim of abuse. It is incomprehensible and takes so much self-reflection, strength, courage, love, self-compassion, validation, and a new journey that we must embark upon to fix ourselves now. Sometimes it doesn’t happen because many targets/victims do not even understand that they have been abused, they are convinced that they were to blame and have issues concerning their mental health because the abuse was basically psychological terrorism and MEANT to make them feel insane, crazy, etc. They were intentionally led down this road by a malignant Narcissist and the ABUSE has disabled them mentally so they also believe they ARE AT FAULT and live in that confusion and fog forever and NEVER recovering fully! THIS is why knowledge and education is your first effective tool to unravel the extreme confusion. You are an amazing human being and you HAVE the ability to fix yourself if you take the time to make it your priority – and part of that priority is getting that education and actualizing the truth that this was situational abuse and then discarding everything and anything about the Narcissist out of your heart and mind. No/minimal contact to start on your journey. Greg
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
I want to educate, describe and give some insight about some of the typical ways a Narcissist maintains their ‘center of the universe’ agenda or omnipotence. How they ‘operate’ as well as some of their manipulative reactions to distort our reality through blaming, shaming, drama, invalidating, making fun of your insecurities, and sharing secrets with others to triangulate and make you out to be the biggest piece of ‘poo’ in the world to build themselves up. This is all categorized as their manipulative CRAZY MAKING!
They will fake or imitate sincerity, caring, and honor under the guise of good intentions with an agenda to GET SOMETHING from you or anybody – they take us from CHARM to HARM.
They blame and blame some more and then blame again, NEVER taking personal responsibility for anything they do wrong which is most everything because their needs and desires can basically be described as out-of-control and they do NOT care who they harm in the process of getting what they want!
They are HIGH maintenance creatures because they need your constant attention, praise, and deference to all of their whims, fancies and needs without a single consideration to any of your needs. Deprive them of something they want and look out as they reveal their true destructive nature through raging and attacks!
They COMPLETELY lack all empathy so they just don’t care who they harm, use, or abuse! It doesn’t matter if it is you, me, their mother/father, brother/sister, biological children, friends, senior citizens, husband/wife, the pastor/priest, law enforcement officials, and judges – get the point they will psychologically ABUSE everybody to GET THEIR WAY!
They may put on a great show, even smile, hug you, OR even ask how you are, but seriously they are not interested about you as a living and breathing person, yet alone an individual that shares this planet with them – you are only supply and they WANT something! Think of them as a trained parrot saying, “Pauley wants a cracker” but with them it is more aptly described as “Narcissist wants some supply.” There is no meaning behind the words with Pauley or the Narcissist, it is just a learned behavior to get something they want.
If you ever dare point out one of their many flaws or an error they made, they will strike out at you in a poisonous and defensive mode like a snake. They will counter any notion with anger, venting, rage, silencing, ignoring you with a cold shoulder, or abandon you as DUE punishment.
They will create some amazing and exciting plans, but rarely will make them happen. They want you to anticipate their generosity but they will never offer anything more than the empty words. It is all ‘make believe’ or better yet “manipulating you to believe.” Basically, it is a ploy to make you believe they are giving and caring. Ask them about those non-existent plans and they will turn it around on you saying you just never seemed interested, or they never said this or that, etc.
They will shift blame onto you to purposely make you feel defensive, then they will belittle and devalue you for being defensive, saying you are ‘an angry person’ or over-reacting by taking everything so personally. Since they do this so seamlessly they always keep you in a place of insecurity and confused or walking on those eggshells. They totally invalidate your ability to have any opinion as far as it concerns their words AND actions! You are always frozen in place to deflect the truth of what they are AND they will keep you there forever trying to only please them until you stop believing.
They will help you out in some manner but make you feel indebted for the little thing they have done AND they will keep reminding you of it! It invalidates the bigger picture of all that YOU have done for them.
They are psychotic story tellers, braggers, brow-beaters, psycho-bullies, arrogant, big-headed, con-artists, and one enormous lie.
Whatever they may do to help you out, they will make you feel beholden to them FOREVER. But they are never appreciative or even acknowledge any help you give – they will even find some way to negate whatever you do for them.
They are extremely skilled at making and distorting your reality with their words, actions and manipulations basically conditioning you to crave their constant approval or become dependent on them.
They build you up then knock you down. They will make you feel loved and very special, then they emotionally distance themselves from you to keep you unsure of the relationship and your reality.
They are a mishmash of behaviors and actions that they have harvested from different people they met at different times in their life. All of their ideas or ways of behaving in any given situation are stolen from others, people they know or perhaps think of as an authority or special. They morph into these qualities like an actor memorizing their role in a play or a movie because they do not have their own ‘normal’ reality.
They push your buttons like an elevator, with constant ‘ups and downs’ to keep you off-balance blameworthy OR the very opposite of this with positive compliments to lock you back up into the cycle of abuse.
They groom you with subtle to extreme manipulation with a combination of charm and rage (harm) to keep you controlled.
Their sense of omnipotence and self-importance (extreme neediness) means that they will manage down the conversations of others and bring it back onto themselves. Whatever you were discussing that may have been personal and important always turns around into a subject that concerns THEM and your words are lost forever and diminished.
They are PATHOLOGICAL liars, using all forms of lies to deceive. To quote a friend of mine, “If they are breathing, they are lying!”
They treat people as servants and expect them to do mundane things or always pay their way, since they feel so deserving and too important to do them. They manage people down to be more of a servant to them without a voice.
They constantly use “I”, “me,” and “my” when they talk because they are the most important thing in the world – it is ALWAYS about them. To go a step in the same direction, it is always “me, myself, and I” and never ever “we” unless they need something so they manipulate you once more to believe in the “we.”
You will very rarely if ever hear them talk about their innermost thoughts, life, memories, or dreams, because there are none that are real and personal to them – they will LIE and make up situations to create a false image of their extreme goodness and amazing life. For example – they will pose in a picture with their biological children as if they are such a real participant in their world when they just happened to be in a situation where their spouse did ALL of the work and the Narcissist poses for the photo opportunity only but did NOTHING real to support the spouse’s efforts in raising them.
They remain at a childlike level of maturity where there is never any growth – there is no operable maturity in their thinking and they ACT like a spoiled 3-year-old.
They express fake empathy, and use it as a tool that they con unsuspecting targets into their lair of darkness. They preach at that pulpit of respectability and morality where there is NONE in reality.
They only “give to get” by being nice or helpful expecting reciprocation. Always an agenda to get or take something as supply.
They present themselves as “having it all together or being on top of the world” never showing or divulging their many failures, weaknesses AND true darkness!
They shift to a defensive mode and/or rage very frequently when they feel threatened or are made accountable for their deceptive manner. This is a HUGE control mechanism to keep you in a subservient place or role in their lives!
They apologize, but it is ALWAYS shallow and never means there will be a real change in the bad behavior they were called on, it just means they are reeling you back to abuse you more for supply!
They deflect or run from their own problems rather than addressing them responsibly AND just blame someone else in the world. It is always YOUR fault that they did what they did!
They will demand your trust rather than earning it – and they will never be transparent enough for you to see any of their real qualities only the fake ones they create to shore up their ‘good’ image. They KNOW that they aren’t real enough to trust, so they always deflect to hide what they really are.
They see you as an extension of themselves, an object to use, you are never an individual and they will resist your every attempt at freedom from being a source of supply.
They re-write history, create incredulous and false stories, euphemisms, make up their own rules and laws but obey none. Their truth is completely FALSE!
They always talk about themselves to stay in control – our role is that of an entity like a mirror where they can stroke their ego through the false image they reflect onto us!
They find all of your weaknesses and exploit them to make you feel vulnerable AND they will use them against you by always pointing them out.
They honor NO personal boundaries and rarely listen or respect your “No.”
They will easily take advantage of others to reach their own goals without giving their actions a second thought. There is absolutely NO empathy in their world.
They will take or steal whatever they want from you or anybody. What is yours is theirs (without asking!)
Their façade is to always appear to be tough-minded, unyielding and unemotional to remain in control of others. But they will react to criticism with anger, blame-shifting, shaming or humiliating others to maintain their façade.
They fail to recognize people as individuals and consequently demean, devalue and dehumanize everybody that enters their lair of deceit.
They are very aggressive, hostile, verbally vicious, MEAN, and will punish anybody that wounds their delicate ego. They will divert to their defensive mode and will rip you apart with their rage and disgusting mouth. They think nothing of physically making fun of somebody to empower themselves and this makes them feel like they are in control.
They will vocalize regret for their actions but it is for ‘show’ and only for a short period of time. They will soon rationalize it away with blame, shame, project and basically dumping it all down our throat as being the problem and not them.
In some cases, they present themselves as ALWAYS being the sexiest, best looking and they will tell you how this person and that one checked them out and ‘wanted’ them. Their appearance is important, so primping in every mirror, and fastidiousness is common ground for them.
They talk in such inappropriate ways and believe that they are above reproach and we actually want to hear their perverse words or listen to their descriptive dialogue about their out-of-control lifestyle.
They will rationalize everything to make sure they always come out on top by negating praise that is appropriated to someone else.
They will steal your idea, your plan, your wisdom and EVEN your life and make it their own. They will fake their credentials, re-write history, name drop, lie on their resume or about their credentials – anything to get what they want without earning it the correct way.
They can create destructive chaos in any organization or business environment and cause dissention among the people that work there. This includes volunteer situations, church organization or virtually any group setting that they join.
This is a PARTIAL list of how they successfully make their ‘crazy making’ an operative agenda in every situation. Their abuse is never confined to just relationships they abuse every person and or situation that they are a participant. Their abuse is all too familiar to their families, biological children, friendships, co-workers, and organizations they are involved in. Unfortunately, the closer you are to them the more apparent their abuse becomes. They charm their way into everybody’s lives and ALWAYS harm them. I coined the phrase from “charm to harm.” Allowing a Narcissist into your life is a train wreck waiting to happen. You must avoid them like the plague because their crazy making is really psychological abuse that severely damages people, their careers, and their whole life. No/minimal contact is the only anecdote to their destruction and poison! You CAN’T allow them into any aspect of your life! Lock them out of your heart and mind! Greg
A relationship with a Narcissist is a desperate and disabling relationship where you are always feeling vulnerable, worthless, hated, constantly explaining yourself, silenced, punished, fearful, and traumatized. What is it that you are actually doing wrong? Nothing! WHY do you keep returning then?
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Do some of these behaviors seem to be familiar or similar to what you experienced after one of the many fights or breakups with your Narcissist or perhaps after the discard? You check the phone constantly, believing you missed a call from them or thinking perhaps that you have lost your signal. You seem to sit and wait and wait for their call, text or some form of communication from them. Because of the lack of response from your Narcissist (perhaps ANOTHER argument) you are hoping most every day that you will get that call or a text saying how he/she is SO sorry, and that they love you, want you back and blah, blah, blah! You have gotten this exact call many times before and it only amounts to the whole cycle starting over again, but there is never a REAL resolution. Seriously think about how many times you have repeated this same process with the fights, raging, silencing, and the Narcissist’s disappearance for days! You are used to feeling this horrible depravation and you only want to fix everything so you feel better again – BUT WHY DO YOU DO THIS and repeat this pattern so often only to end up back to the exact same place each and every time?
It feels like you are an addict that is going through a terrible detox! You are always wanting that fix to end the pain you are feeling, but what does it really amount to – more abuse? The havoc the Narcissist creates leaves you feeling so twisted and your thoughts become so distorted that you just want it to end at all costs (the pain.) Have you asked yourself what you are actually missing? Is it the torture, or the indifference, the blame, or the pain that you are constantly feeling because of all of the crazy making and dysfunction? Is it the lies OR knowing that he/she is constantly on the prowl and you don’t want to have to deal with those horrible images all of the time? SO, WHAT ARE YOU MISSING? Can you answer this in a realistic manner? Or do you just reason this out so that you can get to that quick fix to avoid the horrific pain you are feeling, knowing all too well that you have repeated this process more times than you wish to remember? Seriously we have become dysfunctional in our beliefs when we are forced into this distorted submission from them and compromise our reality to feel that these actions are healthy! It is the furthest thing from healthy because it just always keeps us revolving in this cycle of abuse. This is what the Narcissist wants! This is why they act out in the manner that they do and that is to completely manage us down through extreme psychological manipulation or better yet emotional and psychological terrorism. They have been doing this slowly but surely from the very first day they met us. It is their modus operandi or mode of operation!
On the flip side of the coin do you ever feel that you really don’t want them to contact you, but you still want the fix, but AGAIN why and at what cost to you because you ALWAYS end up back in this same exact place of total despair! The fix is only a temporary bandage to stop you from feeling the pain of the wound they constantly inflict on you with the devaluation. Coming back as they do is just their method of controlling you to keep you in the cycle of abuse. He/she loves me, he/she loves me not, he/she loves me, and he/she loves me NOT, NOT, NOT. Really, he/she loves you NOT but you will stay within this unending loop of dysfunction and second guessing for eternity if you don’t jump out of it.
So many targets/victims go through this. Constantly checking the phone for messages and wanting to hear from him/her as well as NOT wanting to hear from him/her at the same time. You keep trying to get that “fix”, knowing that it will do nothing but tear open a new wound that you will never be able to heal as well as trying to fix this dead-end relationship ONE MORE TIME. You HOPE this time it will be different, but it is a false hope and all you have to do is look back at how many times you have allowed yourself to stay in this dysfunction only to end up right back at square one with another level of this SAME dysfunction to add to the many that are already right there with you. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I am not suggesting you we are insane, just trying to bring the point home. We struggle to hold on and we struggle to let go. It’s very hard to convince the heart what the mind already knows. Like an addiction, you must separate yourself from the very thing that you are addicted to. Are you always tempted, YES, YES AND YES! Maybe you can just resist the temptation to reach out to them, but you always struggle with not responding to him/her when they initiate the contact, and they usually do at some point. It’s in their nature and part of their disorder, but this is a choice only you can make to stop the madness this time.
When we allow the Narcissist to have communication with us just what is the cost as it concerns us? They never apologize, so we accept the blame from whatever chaos they initiated to create another argument. We have to because there is no other option as we have been conditioned into believing AND we accept it in the hopes of fixing the relationship. They may make you believe that they are offering an apology but that is just to pull you back into the abuse. What was actually going on when you were left in silence after the last argument? Were they visiting their mother perhaps (like they may say they were) or were they visiting extra or new supply (the very truth in my situation!) If you were to try to reconcile whatever the event was that led to another argument or the silencing/separation, there is never any resolution and you are always left feeling like you are the bad person, jealous, or crazy AND nothing is ever resolved. You are blamed for pushing them away perhaps when you didn’t even start the argument because it just came out of nowhere! Perhaps you were accused of something you NEVER did – I was always accused of something and that was just the Narcissist projecting. This happens so many times that there is just layer upon layer of this same behavior buried deep inside of you and unreconciled but you keep going back. One day they WILL totally discard you and the reality that THEY were doing everything you suspected is now the truth standing right in front of you. Why didn’t we just follow our intuitions? Their constant making up with us was just a form of manipulation, brainwashing, AND torture to create more of their dysfunctional chaos to manage us down completely and keeping us dependent on them until they were done with us or completely drained us and we were no longer viable supply.
It is VERY painful to continue in a relationship with a Narcissist, but it feels excruciatingly painful to completely let go and to be without them. A relationship with a Narcissist is filled with OVERWHELMING emotions and very little reality as it concerns having a viable loving relationship with them! Your life only coincides with their manipulation and chaos – and your every day is having to react to some new chaos, justifying their behavior and lies, bending your emotions the wrong way, and moving forward with NO RESOLUTION. With a Narcissist, you are very elated with the highs but the MANY lows always devastate you COMPLETELY. The emotions are so very strong both ways (the good and the bad). Due to this, the relationship with a Narcissist is never boring but NEVER straightforward, BUT very disabling. It is more like sadistic in nature with the CONSTANT ups and downs as well as exhausting, debilitating, and traumatizing.
Listening to your intuition is so important and something you will come to depend upon after this horrific experience with a Narcissist. Your intuition has cried out to you in varying degrees throughout this relationship. You simply did not always know how to correctly interpret what it was telling you because there were those good times in the beginning when you were being charmed into this so-called relationship with them and that constantly kept you confused. It is tough listening to this intuition because it is naturally an unclear and confusing phenomenon especially with a Narcissist – BUT it is really your mind drawing on your past life experiences and plugging them into conscious and present thoughts.
It is VERY helpful to pay attention to your gut feelings in retrospect of everything you have experienced. Just think back to the beginning of a previous romantic relationship, THEN think about your relationship with this Narcissist. Did that voice in your head give you any warnings that something was terribly wrong – or perhaps did you see those ‘red flags’ waving in front of you especially with this Narcissist? Those were warnings that if you think about ALWAYS connected to later problems or situations. Your intuition is not only useful in keeping you safe from harmful or toxic people, it also lets you know when any situation is not right for you, even if the circumstances seem to be free of any immediate danger. So, by identifying these gut feelings or red flags and the reasons for them through your past experiences, you become better equipped to listen to your intuition in the future. This relationship you are or were in is proof enough to convince you that your intuition was shouting out at you many times over. However, even though your intuition was there guiding you, so often you doubted it because you doubted yourself – but really it was the abuser’s voice that put these messages into your head that you couldn’t be trusted to think straight, or you were always wrong, perhaps had mental issues or any number of things that managed you down to the point that you lost the ability to trust yourself or think clearly. BUT that intuition was there early on and we have to come to rely on it in any future relationships so we know when to get out before it is too late and the damage has been done.
It was all a big diversion to keep you confused and to control you – this is what abuse does. It is easy to get this addicted feeling (or obsession pattern) especially after the devastating and heart-breaking low or when the Narcissist has abandoned you both emotionally and physically or has been misbehaving (cheating or any number of things.) Consequently, when the Narcissist returns to you, the high feels so euphoric and BAM the pain is gone. Everything is back to NORMAL again because the Narcissist is behaving so well, he/she reinstates how much he/she loves you and can’t live without you and wants to be with you forever! It seems like an opportunity once again to fix this and get back to that feeling you once shared in the beginning or from the love bombing. BUT it is the pain you are reacting to and trying to alleviate and THIS has become your normal?? Yes, that is the normal that you have been managed down to accept by allowing this cycle to continue – MORE ABUSE! Sometimes during the devaluation stage, the Narcissist just returns to hurt you even more and somehow that still satisfies us as a fix and we stay engaged instead of initiating no contact. It deteriorates to such a level that any contact becomes a small glimmer of hope when there is none! What exactly should we change about ourselves? MAYBE more willingness to accept the lies, betrayal, manipulation and psychological abuse? NO – what we need to change is our proximity with this Narcissist by moving on and totally away from them. You are an amazing human being that deserves the same beautiful love that you offer unconditionally not abuse from this creature that envies love and life and disables people to control them like they did to you. YOU discard them from your heart, mind and soul forever! My Narcissist would ALWAYS say “I told you I would leave if you didn’t change!” Guess what – I didn’t change – because that day I FINALLY saw the truth standing right in front of me and that was the best thing I could have hoped for. I kept praying for a miracle and I got that miracle with my Narcissist leaving once again and I accepted that truth and shut the door forever and did NOT allow this Narcissist back into my life ever again – I discarded my Narcissist finally! No/minimal contact! Greg
A Narcissist confounds and confuses our thoughts and make us feel wrong for something we didn’t even do – the blame and shame diversion that manages a victim down to feel wrong and worthless and over time erodes their reality!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
There are many ways that a Narcissist will confound or confuse your thought processes, isolate you, and hold you prisoner without that Narcissist even being in your presence. The Narcissist creates negative messages that trap us in our own heads. Be it raging, accusing, silencing, and distancing themselves from you for days, accusing or whatever they decide to throw your way. All of these methods are hideous forms of abuse to debilitate you/us and make you conform to their rules. They bait us with an argument or accusations, this escalates usually with the Narcissist taking it to a higher level of dysfunction, we are left dumbfounded with their hit and run message, and then they go into the punishment mode by running off or silencing us and we are left in shock or traumatized by the nonsense. LASTLY we are left to our own devices especially when we try to rationalize any of this with our own mind and the ‘poison’ they injected into us.
I was continually baited with nonsensical accusations like being unfaithful (which I was not,) and out of the blue my Narcissist would throw these crazy stories out at me. “I know you are on every dating/sex site looking to hook up!” “I ran into a friend when I was out and they told me that they KNOW it is you!” Then ‘BAM’ the Narcissist judge would sentence me to 3 days of isolation, confinement, and silencing! The argument escalated without knowing the name of the so-called witness, proof, or the ability for me to speak. I knew the truth as far as it concerned me, but I also knew that when one of these scenarios would arise that my Narcissist was totally irrational and whatever I said or did would only amount to an attack of rage. I was CONDITIONED to accept these insane bouts of crazy making, accusations, and rage as a part of my relationship. What was my rationale in this, or why did I allow the accusations? Well because I couldn’t escape the accusations or the argument? Yes, I did think my Narcissist was insane at times, but I wanted these behaviors to stop and somehow work through these things so we could get things back on track again. I was the insane one for buying into all of it and trying to apply some sort of rationale or logic! By allowing myself to justify each of these stories and attacks, I was allowing myself to accept the abuse as my normal.
The Narcissist’s actions are meant to leave us in a very confused and vulnerable state, one that makes us challenge our own mind and reality and then pull us further into the abuse or basic brain-washing and conditioning. You/we throw reality, our intuition, and everything that we know to be true right out the window. Your persona has been eroded by the many mixed messages and confusion that a Narcissist creates and has created (in the past) with so many other situations. All of this is compounded by your ‘emotional connection’ to this Narcissist. You feel real emotions from the ‘love bombing’, but the Narcissist doesn’t feel any emotions, nor do they bond with us and this is NOT a conventional relationship by any means and never will! BUT to us this was real and we believed in it!
The human brain works in a manner that chemicals or endorphins are released in response to something that makes us feel wonderful and that gives us that euphoric feeling. BUT the opposite is true, when the stimulus that made us feel so wonderful is withdrawn from us and the production of the endorphins shuts down causing anxiety and even depression. Just simple Psychology! It is very common that a Narcissist can be so incredibly charming and perfect in the beginning of the relationship (love bombing) and you fall strongly in love. As a result of this AND the Narcissist’s manipulative agenda, you soon become strongly addicted to the immense highs from them and you still want this love available to you. It is an amazing love and MEANT to be that way to start the cycle of abuse! In normal relationships, it is reciprocated back and together you BOTH fall deeply in love. But with a Narcissist they dangle this love in front of you and then pull it away and make you basically beg to get it back – they use this love to disable us! The Narcissist is grooming you in this back and forth manner to make you dependent on them. It is dehumanizing how they psychologically abuse a good and loving person to beg for their acceptance and love, especially when they initiated the whole process by tricking us into loving them to only bring us to our knees. There is nothing simple as it concerns being brainwashed or psychologically abused in this manner.
A Narcissist sets this all-in motion with purpose and intent. The confusion keeps you frozen in time, vulnerable and blind to the reality that they are managing you down. This is the method to their madness to keep you/us right there with these distorted messages and traumatized while they are away securing other supply, betraying you or whatever they have going on. You are left isolated and attacking your own reality through their words and actions. They start the abuse and you finish it by going through the motions of blaming yourself and trying to make sense out of this darkness they left you in. REMEMBER in the beginning the Narcissist preceded this horrendous managing down (devaluation) with their ‘love bombing.’ We saw it (and still see it) as a viable relationship, but in fact it was part of their agenda to gain our trust first, then objectify us to harvest supply. An object just needs to be what it is, and serve a purpose. If it doesn’t function in this capacity it is replaced. We aren’t objects but the Narcissist has to manage us down, groom us, control us, and essentially we become one! Stop believing in what was never really there in the first place. Do whatever it takes to reason this out with the truth that you already know and finally break this cycle of abuse that disabled you and has you down for the count. No/minimal contact to completely stop the madness and abuse! Greg
The manipulation all started on the very FIRST day you met this Narcissist when you experienced that extreme charm that set you up to fall prey to their abusive lifestyle and become the next target or source of supply – but you believed it was love and that started you out on this horrendous journey with a personality disordered Narcissist.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
When all is said and done and the Narcissist has moved on AND probably to new supply you are/were left dumbfounded, vulnerable, and in total disbelief because of those emotions that you were tricked into believing were real – or what YOU believed was love! The first thing that comes to mind is going back, fixing this, maybe you can change him/her AND actually the same thoughts that ran through your mind a MILLION times throughout the entire relationship. How many times did the relationship go back and forth like this and you would fight/argue and then within a few days you would get back together again. This process would repeat itself over and over again and it was short lived and you were devalued, blamed and shamed, and punished even more. It would always come back to this same point.
I would often come out of the fog for a few moments of sanity and ASK myself if I was actually so bad or doing something so wrong then why didn’t this Narcissist just leave and move on. Well because I still had supply that this Narcissist wanted and needed and probably there wasn’t new supply to move onto YET! Why didn’t I just realize the truth that I was a good person and this was total insanity? But I want to make a very valid point here – we were conditioned, manipulated, brainwashed, and hijacked from reality the very first day the Narcissist started with the ‘charm’ or ‘love bombing’ to accept this symbiotic role of abuse with them or a predator after prey! This is a hard concept to accept but once you get to the truth through knowledge, education and the support from other victim’s and survivor’s you will get to your ‘ah ha’ moment!
In the beginning, you did not perceive this as ‘love bombing’ or probably even heard of this term before. You were flattered that he/she was paying so much attention to you. There were all of those simple to complex gestures, be it compliments, love notes, many great text messages or phone calls, etc. – but it was as if it were a scene from a romantic movie. Guess what, basically that is all it was, a fictional scene with a role that was written personally for you by this Narcissist that had no basis of reality. It was purely fictional to move you in a manner to continue to watch and allow the movie to play out in your life so the Narcissist could receive the big payoff for their personal investment in you or to use you as the next source of supply.
A little bit more clarity about this ‘love bombing.’ The Narcissist was constantly assessing you and then mirrored back to you everything that was positive about you and it felt like you had so much in common and you felt a bond. The truth is that he/she was reflecting back onto and into you exactly what you wanted or NEEDED to hear so you would believe in their façade which was really a trap to con you into their agenda! The Narcissist was grabbing all of your attention and focusing it right back onto you. If he/she didn’t gain this type of control over you then you might not be his/her most viable source of supply and they did it quickly once they assessed you as a good and viable source of supply. Again, this is purely manipulation to gain your complete trust and dependence on him/her and to control you.
Think about it in simpler and non-clinical terms. Love bombing really isolates you and it doesn’t give you much time to think about anything but them or what is happening. It hides the real truth about them and within a very short period of time, it takes ALL of your time and attention away from your life in general and other people AND again isolates you with all the amazing attention. It moves the relationship forward without giving you enough real time to assess the whole situation. It is just too good to be true so you go with it because it resembles that fairy tale prince/princess charming or something very familiar to that dream of meeting your soul mate!
It is really mind control with an agenda. Wow he/she really likes me and is this the ‘real’ love of my life? We have SO much in common so how could this be anything but the real thing! You feel like you know him/her so completely perhaps in another life? This person really LOVES ME! It blinds you in a manner that reality is thrown out the window. This is what fairytales are made of and WOW can it be real? Well it was just a fairytale but with a horrendous ending!
It is important that a Narcissist move the relationship forward very quickly otherwise you might see the many red flags or all the negativity and destruction from their past lives. You might not notice that he/she is basically shunned by their biological family, has many enemies, doesn’t actually have a job, etc. You don’t see the real monster under that thin veneer of goodness or mask that they wear so well. They were deflecting from the real truth to make you their next target/victim. Remember this is an investment for them and they need their sources of supply to survive so they HAVE to be this good!
Their motive is always to control. So they are very effective with this love bombing or ‘charm’ in a very short period of time. It gives you the impression that you are falling in love OR are in love and you have met your soul mate. Nope it is ownership and this Narcissist has isolated you from people to hide the very truth of how disordered they are as well as their agenda to extort what they can from you by making you their primary supply. You want to pursue this grand relationship and who wouldn’t want to? This was/is someone that you feel is so special to you and it feels like the real thing!
With this abuse, you have to pull it back to the beginning to understand that this love was the biggest manipulation that started you off in the cycle of this abuse. That emotional bond that the Narcissist created and tendered with you was their most horrendous tool to achieve their agenda to extort you as their newest source of supply and KEEP YOU THERE. You must pull it back to the day this all started and realize what an amazing person you were then and STILL are now. You walked into this trap with empathy, unconditional love and goodness and those qualities were disabled in you by this abuse. You have to empower yourself with the fact that you still are that amazing person and you were psychologically terrorized and that has traumatized you, your belief systems, your self-esteem and your whole life. You have to realize that this was situational and you are NOTHING even near to what this Narcissist reduced you to believing through the managing down or the devaluation. You must fight to repurpose yourself back into the world without allowing that Narcissist to live inside of your head and heart forever. Evict that Narcissist from your head once and for all because they will only abuse you more. This was a disaster in your life and the trauma is real, but it can also be desensitized through the healing process. There is nothing to look back on once you get to the real truth that you were dealing with a personality disordered person as in fixing the relationship or helping them. You MUST now look forward and FIX yourself by purging the horrendous messages and actions out of your head and heart with the truth. Get back to the real world you once knew – you CAN do this because you are stronger than you know. Start with no/minimal contact for the clarity to begin the journey! Greg
Let’s talk about this relationship with a Narcissist or what you believed was love and so real to you!
THIS was a manufactured love that was meant to completely con you. Your concepts of love that you held near and dear to your heart were mirrored back onto you and your reality was manipulated. You were in love or WHAT YOU BELIEVD WAS LOVE. Love is the strongest human emotion and bond in the world, and you felt it with all of your heart and soul which is not anything out of the ordinary, unique, or wrong because it happens every day. BUT what was unique in your situation is that it was a love that psychologically and emotionally damaged you and your whole belief system as well as your self-worth has been thrown out the window! Your spirit must heal from the loss of love however traditional or non-traditional (abusive) it is/was. Regardless of the abuse your love was still very real to YOU and you are not going to just overcome that emotional bond right away even with a desperate and abusive love from a Narcissist. Grieve it but always with a sense of the reality that this love was administered by a personality disordered and abusive person.
Here’s where the difference comes into the equation. The Narcissist manipulated and controlled you into a state of desperation for their approval or the desire for affirmation and reciprocal love (conditioning) – but they offered it so freely in the beginning stages of this relationship. You worked so much harder for this relationship to become viable and real? You put so much of your time, energy, thoughts, and perseverance into this. And the end result – you were devalued every step of the way AND then discarded. This Narcissist was cruel and made you beg for the smallest bit of validation from them. They forced you into believing that change HAD to start with you OR ELSE. This WAS the most painful experience of your life. Nothing traditional about this!
When they were ‘loving bombing’ you they showered you with their amazing charm, attention, gifts, and compliments. They only pretended to be the love that you dreamt of or exactly morphing into that dream that was personal to you. They were preparing you for the psychological and emotion erosion or ABUSE. Nothing traditional about this!
After the amazing ‘love bombing’ the relationship was always in contention with them, and YOU were always the cause of everything wrong, blamed and made to fell worthless. You always sensed from their words and actions that you might be replaced at any time, AND in reality, they were ALWAYS working on replacing you. This disorientated and distorted your mind, SO this Narcissist basically hijacked your every thought, every minute of the day. But think about those thoughts – were they EVER positive, affirming or nourishing? No, they were disorienting and negative to constantly keep you off balance and questioning your worth and reality. A Narcissist creates these unpredictable situations that becomes your new normal or reality with lies, games, gas-lighting, manipulation, betrayal and every other tool they use to abuse their target/victims. Nothing traditional about this!
This was a VERY unhealthy lifestyle and not anything near a viable relationship. It is oppression, desperation, and sadistic. Your strong sentiments toward solving all the confusion and mystery around them as well as proving yourself over and over again constantly played with and tricked your mind into believing that there was something so powerful about them that kept you hanging on for life and stuck in the horrible maze of their abuse. It is always a high adrenalin rush with them so when they create their chaos and/or discard you your world seems to fall completely apart. It is pure panic, devastation, and traumatizing! Nothing traditional about this!
Narcissists always destroy the integrity of their last target/victim. They are claiming that you are the abuser or mentally ill AND the victim is the one left broken and traumatized from all of the abuse. Narcissists will always enlist their entourage or minions to carry out their message that YOU have hurt them in every way possible. Meanwhile the Narcissist has sailed off in the sunset with the new and perfect ‘love of their life.” With a normal relationship both parties usually have a mutual respect and don’t harbor the hate that a Narcissist does when parting ways. NOR do they play games like a high school kid trying to inflict jealousy or intentionally being cruel. Nothing traditional about this!
They accuse you of doing EXACTLY what they have done to you – NARCISSISTIC PROJECTION at its best. But if they were a REAL target/victim of this abuse they would not be unaffected by it NOR moving right on to a new ‘love’ – instead they would be traumatized. The true target/victim exhibits the trauma from this abuse and has to spend many years recovering. Narcissists only use their stories about us to seduce and lure in new ‘supply’ with their ‘woe-be-me’ or pity me approach. So be assured that Narcissists do not spend a single second recovering from the ‘love’ they proclaimed, or the “abuse” they inflicted onto you! They were loved unconditionally, cared for, respected, given compassion, and nurtured by you/us (target/victim) so what in all of that would they grieve? They are sadistic and cruel to act out in the manner that they do to good and loving people. It is horrendous to ABUSE people, but how delusional and cruel to add another layer to the abuse by accusing the very person they abused (us) of abusing them (the Narcissist.) Nothing traditional about this!
We DIDN’T fall in love with the abuse, we were seduced into this abusive relationship and manipulated into a role by a fraud and a highly disordered and sadistic Narcissist with an agenda! So, the truth or the crash course to understanding our role. The Narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche and also penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques – brainwashing us every step of the way to gain our trust so we BELIEVE in them – then they can manage us down and control us to ‘get’ supply. They are seriously like a virus that establishes itself within its victims. Their words and manipulative actions echo through our psyche and mind, slowly but surely disabling every aspect of our reality with the sole intent to control and extort us.
Recovery is a process that demands that we separate ourselves from the Narcissist that is alive and living inside of us as the result of living or being with that Narcissist. The Narcissist has crippled you (us) and assigned us a role as they do to every target/victim. We HAD to develop coping mechanisms with him/her. EVERY day we were forced (controlled) to “walk on eggshells” and develop our own false self to support their every need. It is nothing even comparable to BEING a Narcissist it is just defining what we become and that is a servant or Narcissistic supply. Where you are at today and how you are feeling is a direct result of the elaborate arsenal of tools that the Narcissist uses to extract SUPPLY, and the end result is all of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you (us) by the Narcissist. It is NOT about YOU as a person, how bad you were, or how unworthy YOU were, or that your love was bad or any other negative message this Narcissist planted in your head or heart!
Thus, great efforts are required to abandon a Narcissist (heart, soul and mind) and physical separation is only the first step. Next emotional and psychological separation is also required and that is the catch 22 in our recovery. It requires establishing a new reality that puts all of our old beliefs about this relationship to rest forever. We can abandon a Narcissist physically but our psyche is slow to abandon the Narcissist. The abuse is lurking there rendering its existence at every level of our reality. It is twisting and distorting our every thought as we reach out to find closure in response to the many years we were with them. The Narcissist’s words and actions live within us as an inner, remorseless voice, lacking any compassion and empathy for our real being. The Narcissist is there in spirit long after he/she has vanished physically. This is the last bow of the Narcissist, their final curtain call, the proxy abuse that has to be purged out of us.
This is what defines the non-traditional relationship and breakup with these creatures. It is not a straightforward recovery, but instead one that requires a strong dose of education as well as a strong arm to pull the target/victim out of darkness and despair with therapy, support and all the help that is available. You are NOT just grieving a relationship you are grieving the destruction from abuse! No/minimal contact! Greg
The whole world is a stage for the Narcissist to act out their every story and we all have our roles to make their story work for THEM.
The most important aspect of understanding a Narcissist and this abuse is how they objectify people and put them in a useful place to serve their every need. This can be anything from the person that is in a romantic relationship with them, friends, a co-worker, a minion to support the Narcissist’s lies, parents, biological children, their ex’s or basically EVERYONE serves a purpose to keep that false mask firmly attached to the Narcissist’s head. We are players in an elaborate stage production that the Narcissist writes and rewrites called “My Delusional Life of Lies.”
YES we do all have our separate roles! Some of us have primary roles, secondary roles and some have bit parts. But none of us are looked upon as anything more than a reflection of the Narcissist’s needs and we are used to embellish a convincing and FALSE self for the Narcissist to wear, as well as serve them. They really do make the most of their delusional needs with outrageous lies, manipulation, betrayal and the whole nine yards. If we don’t play these roles in the exact manner that the Narcissist basically demands of us we are bullied back into our role or abandoned from the elaborate stage production and even punished. There are always new players added to the production as the Narcissist sees fit, or for whatever opportunity may arise that serves the Narcissist’s delusional world. There is no commitment to any one person at any time or love in the least bit EVEN though it seems that way. The Narcissist is playing everyone from the very moment they meet or come in contact with them AND until the Narcissist sees no further need for this person in their life. YES, this does include having multiple relationships as well. Unfortunately, we are always the last to know because that mask is firmly cemented onto the Narcissist with abundant charm and LIES that are used to divert from MANY lies, betrayal, and accountability.
This elaborate production runs and is even ‘taken on the road’ with the Narcissist EVERYWHERE as long as it draws huge crowds and pays the Narcissist’s bills (extorting us), and supplies their needs and wants. Once the Narcissist is bored with their production, or the players quit, they completely move on and re-write a new stage production for themselves with brand new characters. BUT they make sure to burn down the theater where their last production took place. Narcissists are only as successful as long as they receive supply from a support network. They are not normal functioning human beings, because their out-of-control needs always harm/destroy, cause havoc and chaos to everyone around them. They destroy lives, and even organizations where they may volunteer, work or be any part of.
Narcissists need to find people they can manipulate, even tricking them into falling in love, but the Narcissist’s version of love involves complete compliance, constant support, admiration, loss of freedom, basically doing everything for the Narcissist as well as dealing with their abuse and a neediness that is beyond words, because they are a non-functional and highly disordered person. Your part in this relationship will NEVER be enough and your commitment to them will destroy your self-worth and well-being. There is never enough any one person could do for a Narcissist because the Narcissist can never feel any sort of gratification because they completely objectify all people or basically use them. Their constant need for more and more supply is their addiction and they will trample any person down to get to a new source of that supply WITHOUT a care to the damage they inflict. The basis of any relationship with them is built on all lies and that catches up with them BUT they will turn the truth around onto their victim and blame and shame them into fear from the retribution of us knowing the real truth about them – that is when that mask comes off and we see the real wrath of this creature. This is the true nature of the Narcissist or a creature that is disconnected from people in this world because they feel omnipotent or rule supreme over everybody else and their connection to any of us is born ONLY OUT OF THEIR NEEDS and not ours. What else could an empty soul offer to any of us if they have no real emotions or empathy.
What this boils down to is that they are by far delusional and dysfunctional and IN DENIAL of just how disordered they are. As long as they have new lies and new supply they shore up their delusions and then move on with a trail of destruction behind them. As nasty as their discard was as well as the smear campaign they are literally running from us to avoid exposure. They are basically cowards that can and will destroy people with hideous lies.
I read a post where a member asked just what do we actually grieve, and that really hit a chord with me. Yes what do we grieve – love? Well there never was love because we were tricked/conned into this and then discarded like a bag of garbage left on the curb. Do we throw out the memories too? Yes, we have to because there were never any real memories, only extreme manipulation and lies to support the ‘big lie and con job.’ What about the biological children and the many years an ex-spouse put into the family. This is the abhorrent reality of this abuse. It is not simply emotional abuse because it shatters families, people, dreams, goals, and normality. This abuse is never singular because it does involve families, friends, co-workers and anyone else close to the target/victim. So, what then do we grieve? Well we deal with a great deal of psychological/emotional damage from a disordered creature that betrayed us in such a horrendous manner so perhaps we grieve the immense loss of a place we once had in life where we felt trust and love because that is now shattered and we are left traumatized trying to believe if we will ever find that place again after this sadistic betrayal that was intentionally inflicted on our lives. What else is there but the truth and it is beyond our capacity to accept any of this yet alone find closure to something we can barely understand or accept because of our natural empathy and love for life. This is exactly what we have to overcome and that is what our recovery and healing is born from or accepting the truth through a strong education to understand that this was abuse as hard as it may be to do so and situational. In other words, this abuse does not define us – it was inflicted on us!
Their love never existed it was only the reflection of us and our goodness that they mimic back to us in a manipulating manner to keep us believing in them so they can take more and more. Their actions are no different than physically abusing us. Whether it is a punch to the face or a punch to our mind they are hideous, lying, and destructive creatures. It will take a long time to get past this damage – this is true BUT you can and will heal from this. A hit to the mind is a deep and damaging wound that many do not see because it is not a physical wound like a black eye. For the victim, it is so hard to comprehend and accept that someone THEY loved could be so malevolent and destructive to actually malign and disable them through a deviant manipulation of using that very love they offered so realistically and unconditionally. In that I have made amends in my life with this abuse, I remember all too well the damage to myself and my family. I learned early on to voice the truth loudly. I rejected the abuse and kept speaking out and will continue to do this to educate people so they do not stumble through healing by not knowing what hit them like I did. This abuse is hideous and NOBODY deserves the losses associated with what amounts to dehumanization and the complete extortion of lives and love. There is education, strength, and healing in the numbers of people now speaking out about this abuse and a testament to the reality of these abusers and that is where we MUST seek out the support we need. My account as well as everybody else’s story is incredulous, because the damage from this abuse is all too real to individuals and families. Together we have to help each and every person that crosses the threshold of this abuse so that they can recover by understanding the truth and find closure – that is what lights the way for all of us. Together we heal. No/minimal contact to start of a journey to recovery! Greg
When you have a relationship with a Narcissist you will ALWAYS be admonished, silenced, punished and BLAMED – and eventually discarded!
Being a victim of Narcissistic abuse is a severely traumatic life experience that you are probably dealing with by yourself. If the perpetrator is a person you loved, admired, or looked up to as a role model, or a wife, husband, parent, guardian, friend, relative, etc., you don’t understand the reality or severity of the situation because most of the time you loved the person, trusted them and believed in them. You went the extra mile for them as well as giving up so much of yourself in doing so. If your professional life is entangled with a Narcissistic boss, co-worker, etc., makes getting out of the abusive relationship extremely challenging, especially when this is your livelihood, or your bread and butter. It most situations where a Narcissist is connected to your life it is difficult to just pick up, leave, and start over again because there is so much involved before you can do this.
It may seem frightening and insurmountable after the time you have invested, and you may be tempted to put up with more chaos as an attempt to defuse the situation and save what mattered so much to you in any of the relationships you were entangled in. BUT there is nothing even near to a normal or real relationship with a Narcissist, and you can only learn this the hard and painful way if you stay or repeat the same steps you have in the past with them. There is no healthy give-and-take relationship with a Narcissist, only a manipulative, crippling, and subjugating relationship from a demanding, exploitative, and insensitive type of taking what the Narcissist wants to fulfil their needs only. People are only objects that a Narcissist uses. We are NOT objects nor can we ever redefine our roles in life to accept such a role with another human being.
It is especially difficult to accept this when your interactions with them are at the personal, professional, familial or intimate level. How much of yourself, your work, or your aspirations, do you have to sacrifice in order to save your life and your psyche from the destructive assaults from your Narcissistic abuser? Sometimes you have to lose all of it and start over again from scratch. As horrendous as that may sound, the bottom line is that you will achieve freedom and gain your belief system and sanity back and that basically describes saving your own life! What a horrendous step to take in life or basically having to run to save yourself from something so destructive that it can literally destroy your sanity – and especially if it is a person you trusted and loved like a spouse, partner, parent, family member, or even a close friend. This is a magnanimous layer that is added to our recovery process – have to basically see our world destroyed around us and having to reconstruct that world as part of recovery and healing.
Don’t try to fight a war that you can’t win because a Narcissist lacks any and all morals and they abide by no rules nor are they fair. You can’t engage in reality with a person that lacks a conscience, morals, emotions and expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure. Narcissists have no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their mindless and thoughtless approach to other people especially if it is “you.” They already have a mechanism in place that has been dumping that shame since they were very young. Don’t ever underestimate their depravity as it concerns their lack of respect for life and people because they will abuse anyone that stands in their way, even their own biological children or ANY family member. They will go to ANY lengths to destroy your integrity to protect themselves from exposure – so yet another layer is added to recovery – fear of retribution and the damage they will cause to your life.
So how could you have been such a fool? The painful realization often comes with the disbelief of just how could we have not realized that he/she was like this? That’s another thing that educating yourself about this disorder will teach you very clearly. The Narcissistic personality is especially good at being pathologically deceptive and manipulative at simulating genuine affection, emotions, caring AND even love to gain our trust so they can essentially use us and abuse us. In reality, the Narcissist is only capable of caring about themselves. The Narcissist can BASICALLY imitate emotions or that they care about you or even love you as long as he/she continues to see you reflect extreme adulation and admiration for them, which is usually in the beginning of your personal relationship with them and that traps you into the cycle of abuse with them. Underneath all of that is a delusional and out-of-control amoral person that lacks respect for life and people and has no conscience about how they debase people to GET WHAT THEY WANT – supply. That is what it all boils down to – we satisfy some sort of need, but they have many needs, and many people they use to satisfy their immense needy void hole. You thought this was a primary relationship with them and it never was because your role with them in any relationship is to serve their immediate needs.
The perceptions of the Narcissist are truly their reality. If you look back you have never been able to change or influence ANY of their perceptions because they got louder and completely ignored your every word to the contrary concerning any of their delusional outbursts, especially if it concerned their own accountability or the truth about them. If you couldn’t effect change with them living in a close relationship, then don’t waste your time and effort ever trying AGAIN. They live in their own world and no matter how false or unreal it appears to you, for them it is reality because it has to be for them to survive among us. As soon as a Narcissist begins to perceive that you have a voice of your own and a right to existence, the trouble starts and then there is no return because there is no possibility of two-way communication with them because they are omnipotent and need to control everything and everyone in their environment to maintain that facade. The more you push your individualism forward the more resistance from the Narcissist. Their façade is impenetrable and has to be or they would self-destruct if people knew the truth.
Lies and deceit are as natural to the Narcissist’s world as is breathing. A Narcissist has the amazing ability with their ‘shrewd deception’ to make ‘others’ believe their lies EVEN when they fly right in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Heck they are so smooth at their LIES that the Narcissist also believes THEIR own lies. Mine could have been given an honorary PHD in lies, and lying! Take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie, or as my friend once told me “if they are breathing they are lying!”
It is extremely painful, to come to the conclusion that people who have meant a great deal in your personal (or professional) life can ACTUALLY destroy you and you have to disengage with them completely to literally save your life. Sit back for a moment and really think about that and it is a hard pill to swallow. It is EXTREMELY painful, but the alternative is only to continue the descent along the dark path of self-destruction. Stop it all and finally break the chain that keeps you tied to an abuser. Everything you have built with this person was done in vain, and if you keep believing or buying into the games/lies with the hope to catch a glimpse of what things were like when you lived in the illusion they fabricated for you, you will only be drawn back into the abuse over and over again. The promises like a life journey together or sharing the joys of REAL love, a future, intellectual fulfillment, dreams, goals, etc., were part of the abuse to only control you and keep you chained to the abuse.
One day you will see the complete picture and it will never make what they did better, but you will understand because you have finally been educated into what they are and what YOU aren’t. A Narcissist is a dead giveaway in the way they create their delusional turmoil after each and every departure from one of their con jobs or relationships as the Narcissist prefers to call them. While they are running away like the thieves they really are with their tails between their legs, they are really running away from the truth of who and what they are. We are the truth they are running from as they are throwing lies back at us in an effort to smear our integrity and destroy us. They never can or will admit to what they have done, instead they will always slither into someone else’s life to find shelter, create a new family, and take what they can emotionally and physically. In the end you were still the amazing and loving person you ALWAYS were and that is what sent the Narcissist running for their life – YOU WERE JUST TOO STRONG for them and saw right through their façade! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
The unfortunate and horrendous truth – this was not a soulmate, this was a soulless-mate but we struggle and struggle with that vision of love that was served up to us in the beginning always believing it was real until we STOP believing and move forward with the real truth!
Narcissists are acutely aware of their human counterparts (you and I) and they know emotions, or what YOU are feeling even if they can’t feel it themselves. They have observed people’s reactions to every specific emotion and know how to imitate it to get a desired response, even if they do not experience that emotion themselves. Just look back and understand how they were so amazingly adept at making you believe that they loved you, cared for you, and wanted you to be their ‘one and only’ or life partner, spouse, best friend or whatever it took to con you into their abusive grip to meet ONE of their MANY needs. Everybody that is reading this can’t deny that they strongly BELIEVED in this Narcissist at one time and what they were feeling WAS a bond be it love, caring, friendship, etc. Nor can we deny that we learned the real truth that they are very disordered and essentially abused us.
Narcissists get us to feel that bond or love for them without even reciprocating a REAL loving response in return AND they are incapable of ‘bonding’ with people. It seems like they are loving us back, but they are only reflecting our very emotions right back onto us and into us and this is as deep as it goes. They exploit people’s emotions, manipulate their feelings, pretend they are feeling creatures when they aren’t. They make you dance with them but the Narcissist is ALWAYS leading their partner in the dance and the music you are dancing to are their lies and deceit to exploit what they can of your love and life. The Narcissist becomes intimately familiar with all of your loving and emotional spots and knows the correct buttons to push to gain your trust and admiration and to keep you hanging on while they plug you into their agenda to fulfill whatever need you can fill for them.
Seriously this is all the depth that there is to them and this is all we really have to understand about them OR there is no reality to them. The very unfortunate thing is that their charming façade triggered something in us that got us attached to them at the hip emotionally and with most that was probably love! They conquered us with this single word (and imitating all of the required actions to support it) so we are right there with them and believing they are real. Because we have normal and real emotions we believed only what we knew and thought was real and supported every aspect of this love and bond.
They don’t have any real emotions to support it (love) back with us and this is what fails them AND us in a horrendous way. They want what they want, they play the game, but it is short lived because they lack the necessary mechanics to give back in a normal way that you and I can and do. They get bored easily because they feel no human emotions or feelings to connect to us, but they are in it as long as they can fulfill their every need and they exhaust everything we have and then they continue on to the next target/victim. They are protecting themselves from exposure, so combine those two elements (their needs and their extreme manipulation to fulfill them) and this Narcissist becomes a raging lunatic if you should out them with the REAL truth to basically confound you, blame you and keep you hanging on until they are done with you. They keep up the charade, rages and all, but they throw us a little bone to snare us back once again and then manage us down to make us feel worthless and thus disabling more and more of our reality. Remember if their true inner self was transparent to the world they would be rejected, writher away and die – that is why they abuse us in private. They can’t keep up the charade because there is nothing in them that allows them to bond so their spell over us lasts only as long as it takes us to discover the truth. BUT and this is a big but – they were smart enough to use a strong emotion to lock us in or trap us – again the charm or love bombing. That is the glue that kept us hanging on and trying to fix this broken and desperate relationship.
Hindsight unfortunately is 20/20 as they say, so you have to experience their deception and abuse to understand exactly what I just said. It is definitely not something anyone should experience because the destruction reaches the very core of your heart, soul and mind and the end result traumatizes you.
This is why letting go can be so hard for the target/victim because there are REAL emotions from REAL love that is strongly attached or mixed in with the psychological abuse and it confounds the recovery process just as it did throughout the entire distorted relationship – but the love was only real to you. It becomes very confusing because even though it was all based on lies and a huge façade somehow you still love them and STILL want to sort through all of the deception to make it right with YOUR concept of real love because it was ingrained on your heart and mind. You believed in them and now the task at hand is to unbelieve them and that caring and love does not just STOP when you do realize the truth!
Being on the receiving end of Narcissistic love can, will, and does make us feel like we need to try harder because of the extreme manipulation or conditioning that they use to keep us hanging on AND we spent vast amounts of time and energy trying to fix this relationship – that really is all that defines this relationship – trying more and more but never getting anywhere. We were given a vision in the beginning that this was real love and we became emotionally bonded to this vision BECAUSE that was part of the big game. Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try, we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person (our Narcissist.) BUT we believe that somehow, it is up to us to fix the relationship because that is what the Narcissist uses as control and power over us to keep believing and hanging on while they extort our entire life away from us. This Narcissist lacks any and all emotions, empathy, and love for anything other than itself. So, what is left for us to interpret? Superficial connections which are not functional by any means, but meant to make us believe that there is something real for us there. And we held onto this far too long. A Narcissist can’t connect to themselves yet alone to anyone else so everything they do is superficial as it concerns a real relationship with people. They are amazingly adept at this game because it is part of their survival.
We constantly struggle with the vision of that love in the back of our mind (the one that we were CONNED into believing was real) to make the relationship work and make our Narcissist happy by working harder at the relationship. We are even asked (more like demanded by threats) to do things differently or do what this Narcissist wants but it only would lead to more demands and making us sink deeper and deeper into this distorted love. We are even offered an ‘olive branch’ and an “I love you so much,” to achieve a cohesive peace but again it is not real at all and the Narcissist cashes in on the lies once again! But despite our intuition or the deep-rooted sense that something is totally wrong with this relationship it still feels familiar to love because that is what we hold onto to alleviate the struggles and pain. We begin to feel increasingly unhappy because we are never getting our needs met as well as totally confused and lost. The struggle to get this person to love and accept you is not working so you employ all kinds of tactics to try harder but to no avail. It is the vicious cycle of this abuse or the trap that keeps us running in circles until it ends and that end is always devastating and destructive because of the psychological damage that the Narcissist inflicted that kept this toxic relationship going. The Narcissist just closes the door and moves onto the next victim, but that doesn’t spell happiness, that defines an abusive predator! In the beginning, we believed we found our soulmate, but in the end we realize we found a soulless-mate. What a horrendous journey we traveled to get to this truth! Now that journey must end and we must go back to find ourselves again to recover from this sadistic nightmare. To do this we MUST completely discard the Narcissist from our life, thoughts and heart – it is now time to work on healing and growing by concentrating on YOU – it must end completely to do this with no/minimum contact. Greg
The Narcissist’s world is a unique world or their personal ‘playground’ designed JUST FOR THEM by them AND they are in charge like the playground bully that makes everyone conform to their needs and play along OR ELSE!
A Narcissist acquires and seeks out supply because of the huge void that exists within them that requires constant excitement, chaos, and drama or whatever brings them attention (good or bad)! Their world is ONLY comprised of external stimulation to meet all of their needs. The excitement and drama generated must be truly unique, ground breaking, breathtaking, overwhelming, unprecedented, and, under no circumstances, boring or routine to the Narcissist. Without internalized emotions or bonding with other people they have to defer to external stimuli. The chaos and damage they create is the natural consequence of the Narcissist’s disordered and out-of-control lifestyle and need to constantly seek out newer supply so their world really lacks any normal consistency and stability. It has to be AMAZING so that the Narcissist constantly feels special, meaningful and significant! But it is NEVER enough because the Narcissist becomes bored easily and is continually seeking out more excitement because without the ability to love or bond with another human being they naturally move on – again AND again because THEY GET BORED! They DO NOT have the ability to draw on internalized feelings, emotions, bonding or love and their world is one huge façade of lies!
The processes the Narcissist utilizes to obtain, preserve, and accumulate supply is just an imaginary or FAKE environment, and a comfort zone they NEED to feel real and purely invented by the Narcissist. It has clear geographical and physical boundaries and the Narcissist keeps complete inventory of people, places and events. The Narcissist assigns what each and every person’s role is and he/she keeps everyone isolated from each other so nobody becomes all the wiser to his/her lies and make-believe world – but it is chaotic and difficult for the Narcissist to maintain so they get caught up in their game. The Narcissist compartmentalizes everybody by virtue of the needs that the Narcissist assigns but no one person is EVER enough because the Narcissist becomes bored easily and is continually seeking out more excitement – AGAIN, and I know I keep repeating this — without the ability to love or bond with another human being they have to keep getting a newer fix wherever they can.
The Narcissist strives to maximize the amount of Narcissistic Supply that he/she can obtain from the people within his/her environment. The Narcissist MUST seek out and have total admiration, adoration, approval, and adulation at all times and that requires many different sources and levels of attention in EVERY area of their life. The Narcissist will step it up to even fabricate fake fame and notoriety with outrageous lies of achievement. None of it is real, it is all contrived and imagined – a concocted and forced “uniqueness” or that facade.
The Narcissist makes an investment based on people whose role is designed to admire, adore, approve and attend to the Narcissist’s every need (serve them). Extracting this Narcissistic Supply from them calls for emotional and cognitive investments from supply to lock them in and basically keep them there until the Narcissist gets what they want. In turn, it provides the Narcissist temporary stability, perseverance, a long-term presence to secure a good source of supply, attachments (or the many connections they have), forced collaboration, unreal emotional agility (Narcissist fakes this), and people skills that they need to fit in that they lack in reality. It makes them seem real to us and our world and that is what makes them seem to fit in. Unfortunately, nobody can be held to the Narcissists rigid standards and we all fall short of their expectations and graces far too easily. We can’t live life as a statue for the Narcissist to adorn his/her façade, because we live, breath and think as an individual human being in a world where OUR connections, interactions, emotions, and feelings must be real. Once we show individualism (having needs) the trouble begins because the Narcissist loses their control over us and the devaluation or bullying begins.
In all honesty, a Narcissist only has the mentality of a playground bully where they incorporate other kids that are weaker and smaller than them with threats to join in on their imaginary games or else. There will always be someone that asserts their individuality in the playground and that Narcissist will gang up on and harm whomever with the help of their little gang. Be assured you will be run off of that playground just for being you and not buying into the Narcissistic bullying, dysfunction and games. You may even get the Narcissist’s Mommy knocking at your door and really get in trouble (smear campaign). The Narcissist will always have their group of supporters at this playground too that will do his/her dirty work and protect the Narcissist from being caught!
But, no matter how big a lie or how big a fit the Narcissist throws if you allow it you are enabling the Narcissist’s lies/facade and that is a huge mistake no matter what the cost is to you otherwise. It facilitates the Narcissist’s delusions, and it gives them a power rush and CONTROL. Thus, the Narcissist is cramming his/her delusions through insults and devaluation into your intelligence, well-being, and belief system OR right to the core of your being. You are spoiling and enabling that Narcissistic brat/bully and allowing the monster to only grow and take over completely. Unfortunately, people make this mistake because of the Narcissist’s GOOD qualities that have preempted the appearance of this raging bully. We believe we can change them or fix the problems because we saw goodness in them and still believe in them. This is what the Narcissist wants us to believe and that is all part of their façade.
So, we are merely objects in their make-believe world to entertain them and provide supply. We are substitutes or surrogates for them to have a real life, a real vocation or actual achievements. We displace the emotional rewards of intimacy for the Narcissist with whatever role we were designed for. The Narcissist’s permanent existence in fantasyland is based on us and intended to shield him/her from the real self-destructive urges that they act on for the time being. They do for a fact act on every urge they have but it is in direct opposition to what they make us believe is real about them and that is where our conflict begins, that and holding them accountable for the lies and promises. Our role is to accept the lies and promises, to believe this was love no matter what, and the ‘what’ is horrendous abuse. It is always a growing disappointment and disillusionment for us because we get caught up in the Narcissist’s delusions of grandeur and reality, and it is really ugly and disabling for us when we experience the complete cycle of their abuse. The ONLY way out is with no/minimal contact! Greg