The truth of being in any type of relationship with a Narcissist! You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an old illusion you hang onto those same things COULD be right again because he/she (the Narcissist) pulls you back every time they push you away. You try to make sense out of all of this but instead you CONSTANTLY feel lost, confused and walking on those eggshells.

The truth of being in any type of relationship with a Narcissist! You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an old illusion you hang onto those same things COULD be right again because he/she (the Narcissist) pulls you back every time they push you away. You try to make sense out of all of this but instead you CONSTANTLY feel lost, confused and walking on those eggshells.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Within the cycle of abuse with a Narcissist AND having to deal with all of the chaos, accusations, the constant blame, shame and punishment the target/victim only TRIES to make sense of the Narcissist’s hurtful behaviors in an attempt to fix things by overcompensating. By constantly engaging with the Narcissist, it becomes too tangible or the victim’s new reality in a distorted and disabling manner. The Narcissist completely steers the direction by always reinforcing their technique with equal parts of love/charm and pain/harm creating a desperation that keeps the victim caught up in this overcompensating to get back to that cohesive and loving part of the relationship they once knew! Add to this the frequent belittlement in the manner a Narcissist will dismiss anything that is exciting or that inspires a target/victim. A Narcissist will crush any attempts from the target/victim to make sense of their agenda and keep the target CONSTANTLY confused and walking on those eggshells or off balance or basically always being in control of the victim disabling them emotionally AND psychologically. So, let us call this what it is or emotional and psychological abuse!

Any dissention from a victim harms the Narcissist’s flow and need to feel superior or the omnipotent one in any relationship AND most importantly getting the constant admiration that they need OR the supply they are desperately after. The Narcissist has a pathological envy of everything real and normal in people because it discounts the Narcissist’s reality or better yet lack of reality and makes them aware of their shortcomings of WHO they THINK they are. This is expressed in varying degrees throughout the devaluation, discard, and horrific smear campaign where they will trample their target/victim’s integrity into the ground to support their superior facade. Anyone who has shared a life with a Narcissist recognizes the chronic double standards that manifest across all areas of life where rules and laws are applied that the Narcissist NEVER abides by. The most heartbreaking effect of these disorienting double standards is the utter confusion about what is considered right and wrong when sharing a world with a Narcissist. The double standards seem to trade places constantly throughout the relationship. The result is the victim never has a real voice because of the ever-changing rules and standards and the victim is always the one at fault. It is especially evident with children who have been raised by a Narcissistic parent or with this desperate, confusing, and disabling love!

Because of this constant uncertainty is the consistent self-doubt and feeling of worthlessness that manifests itself in the target/victim’s heart and mind. The Narcissist is not only manipulating the mind but also tugging at the heartstrings of the target or victim to stay in control. If you do this, I will love you, but it you do not follow my exact rules and laws I will punish you, terrorize you demean, dehumanize you, AND leave you – not a very tangible approach to any sort of viable relationship. Basically, it is a very dehumanizing form of conditioning and subjugation of a human being and WRONG at every level – THIS is why it is labeled abuse and why THEY are labeled personality disordered.

This constant blend of abusive and charming behavior with the victim is quite common with a tyrannical Narcissist and basically describes the need to control their environment or that manipulative conditioning to keep the victim off guard and totally lost in confusion. For the target/victim it is a toxic osmosis from the devaluation effect of being in the presence of and angry and spiritually draining creature. So, the Narcissist is not in this dance just for positive supply, we are a dumping ground for their toxicity as well and that is what damages the soul and destroys a person’s complete belief system. The Narcissist uses that manipulative and confusing component of equal parts pain and compassion or love and desperation in a manner to make their targets/victims feel that there is that small glimmer of hope that is coming from the Narcissist’s unconditional and loving soul and THAT is what keeps the victim engaged. Unfortunately, that soul if it exists is neither loving nor unconditional. It is dark, empty and knows nothing about real love, truth, or the reality of respecting life – but it does know how to extort whatever it can from a victim even if that means destroying them completely.

The most heartbreaking effect of these disorienting double standards is the utter confusion about what is considered right and wrong when sharing a world with a Narcissist. The double standards seem to trade places constantly throughout the relationship. The Narcissist creates standards, morals, and laws for everybody around them but they themselves do not respect or follow ANY of their own rules or standards and constantly change them to meet THEIR personal needs in any given situation. The result is the victim never has a real voice because of the ever-changing rules and standards and the victim is always the one at fault. A Narcissist will NEVER validate a positive reality or experience for another human being, but instead trap their targets/victims in a fun house maze of mirrors that never reflect an accurate image. The target/victim runs through that fun-house maze of mirrors seeing their reflection as different and ever changing or a static and inaccurate image that is ever-changing. Those who have lived through this know how this easily manipulates and implants itself into a deep-seated belief that one’s interpretation of reality, especially when reality is ambiguous or uncertain, is always the wrong one, the faulty one, the one fully invalidated by the mere existence of the Narcissist’s manipulative interpretation to control people!

Never, never just listen to the Narcissists words, but instead observe the behavior that they back up any of the words they use. Behavior is how we can completely assess the reality of what a person is truly offering us. Words are a Narcissists main tools to make their con job functional and rewarding to themselves! You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an illusion of everything being right (because he/she tells you so) and this is an extremely hard thing to accept. If it feels wrong, it is wrong.

What goes along with this is staying out of the Narcissist’s head! Do not try to figure out what they are up to or what’s going on in their lives, what’s in their mind, or second guess them. Getting into a Narcissist’s head means trying to figure out their motives, trying to make excuses for them, trying to rationalize their behavior, maybe even trying to manipulate them, and all this does is gets you sucked right back into the content of the chaos, crazymaking, and abuse again! They trained you well to always think about them, so that it deflects away from the truth that they are the problem, the sick one, and the abusive personality and you turn it around to see what YOU can do to fix this, fix THEM, or even accept the blame that this is ALL your fault.

When you catch yourself thinking about them and trying to gain some relevant information that will help you out in some way, just remember NOTHING is relevant about them except that they lie, cheat, manipulate, steal, use, betray, backstab, brainwash, triangulate, extort lives away from people, and psychologically rape people’s minds. Just do not try to figure out anything they do because the reason behind everything they do is ALWAYS self-serving and full of chaos, manipulation, and lies. What in any of that do you want or need to understand — they are just dangerous to human life! If there really was love you would be together in a manner that there would not be so many issues and always having to explain yourself and feeling so traumatized.

For those who are in doubt of their relationship, read, absorb, and process the truth about Narcissistic behaviors – in other words get a strong education so you can align with the truth of this personality disorder. Keep in mind that toxic people can be mothers, fathers, siblings, coworkers, clergy and religious leaders, politicians, co-workers, bosses, health professionals, romantic partners, or anybody in your world. These people, for whatever reason, feel no remorse or empathy, and display no conscience in their interactions with other human beings. They use, abuse, and discard their source targets for a variety of reasons, be it sex, money, status, or a sense of power but again they do what they do because they are self-serving OR they are after something that you have, and they will do whatever to get it and then destroy your integrity after they have gotten what they came for. They are what they are and will remain that way – only their tactics change and evolve as each new target is acquired. There is no reason to maintain any type of “relationship” with another human being whose only goal in their lifetime is to target and dismantle other human beings for their own selfish purposes – none. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

It is so very important to understand the truth about these emotional, manipulative, and destructive abusers so we can completely break ANY bond we have with them! We MUST realize how dangerous it is to be caught up in ANY part of their toxic world.

It is so very important to understand the truth about these emotional, manipulative, and destructive abusers so we can completely break ANY bond we have with them! We MUST realize how dangerous it is to be caught up in ANY part of their toxic world.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Their sole pursuit is their omnipotence WITH complete compliance – or to be seen as God’s gift to the world through pathological deception and destructive acts of emotional and psychological terrorism to all people! They are only hiding a very damaged and dark world. There is no cure for them, and this is evidenced by the many people that have offered unconditional love to them only to be rejected and destroyed through their efforts. Love can and will heal all and if it does not then it is beyond human capacity to change a person that is this devoid of the natural goodness of life and they are only soulless creatures. Ask yourself why they imitate love, or why they wear it as part of their disguise if not to achieve their destructive agenda. They know it well enough to use it but obviously they cannot be it.

They create scenarios to discover your weakness or fears and store them away to manipulate you later. They do not use language as communication, it is for hiding, deflecting, avoiding, masking, & manipulating because their charm is completely false. They take pride in their own righteousness and rightness. They attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They NEVER believe they make mistakes even when they proof is right there in front of them. They have an innate inability to feel, process or truly understand shame from the negative and hurtful things they do to others – they can only blame and apply fault to everybody else. Contradict them a few times and you will feel their out-of-control narcissistic rage.

Their conversations and interactions are not meant to enlighten, but to confuse, control, and consistently create drama. They are a huge VOID, working to get whatever they can from you – basically they extort life and lives. They expect you to lend a listening ear and give them constant and complete approval. They use emotional withdraw and silencing to create guilt, compliance, and control. They will betray personal information and secrets to feel more powerful. They will manipulate and use flattery or protests of their innocence (crying, pleading, and begging) like a stealth weapon to achieve their agenda and get their way. They will use verbal skills to block or deflect accountability for their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle and sift blame onto YOU. They impact lives negatively but miraculously escape exposure even appearing to have some positive effect and you end up the negative aspect of the relationship with them.

I want to educate, describe, and give some insight about some of the typical ways a Narcissist maintains their ‘center of the universe’ agenda or omnipotence. How they operate as well as some of their manipulative reactions to warp our reality through blaming, shaming, drama, invalidating, making fun of your insecurities, and sharing secrets with others to triangulate and make you out to be the biggest piece of ‘poo’ in the world to build themselves up. This is all categorized as their manipulative CRAZY MAKING!

They will fake or imitate sincerity, caring, and honor under the guise of good intentions with an agenda to GET SOMETHING from you or anybody.

They blame and blame some more and then blame again, NEVER taking personal responsibility for anything they do wrong which is most everything!

They are HIGH maintenance creatures because they need your constant attention, praise, and deference to all their whims, fancies and needs without a single consideration to any of your needs. Deprive them of something they want and look out as they reveal their true destructive nature through raging!

They COMPLETELY lack all empathy, so they just do not care who they harm, use, or abuse! It does not matter if it is you, me, their mother/father, brother/sister, biological children, friends, senior citizens, husband/wife, the pastor/priest, law enforcement officials, and judges – get the point they will psychologically ABUSE everybody!

They may put on a great show, even smile when they meet you and even ask “How are you?”, but seriously they are not interested about you as a living and breathing person, yet alone an individual that shares this planet with them – you are only supply! Think of them as a trained parrot saying, “Pauley wants a cracker” but with them it is more aptly described as “Narcissist wants some supply.” There is no meaning behind the words with Pauley or the Narcissist, it is just a learned behavior to get something they want.

If you ever dare point out one of their many flaws or an error they made, they will strike out at you in a poisonous and defensive mode like a snake. They will counter any notion with anger, venting, rage, silencing, ignoring you with a cold shoulder, or abandon you as DUE punishment.

They will create some amazing and exciting plans, but rarely will make them happen. They want you to anticipate their generosity, but they will never offer anything more than the empty words. It is all ‘make believe’ or better yet “manipulating you to believe.” Basically, it is a ploy to make you believe they are giving and caring. Ask them about the non-existent plans and they will turn it around on you saying you just never seemed interested, or they never said this or that, etc.

They will shift blame onto you to purposely make you feel defensive, then they will belittle and devalue you for being defensive, saying you are ‘an angry person’ or over-react taking everything so personally. Since they do this so seamlessly, they always keep you in a place of insecurity and confused. They totally invalidate your ability to have any opinion as far as it concerns their words AND actions! You are always frozen in place to deflect the truth of what they are AND they will keep you there forever trying to only please them until you stop believing.

They will help you out in some manner but make you feel indebted for the little thing they have done AND they will keep reminding you of it! It invalidates the bigger picture of all that you have done for them.

They are psychotic blowhards, braggers, browbeaters, psycho-bullies, arrogant, big-headed, and one enormous lie.

Whatever they may do to help you out, they will make you feel beholden to them FOREVER. But they are never appreciative or even acknowledge any help you give.

They are extremely skilled at making and warping your reality with their words, actions and manipulations basically conditioning you to crave their constant approval.

They build you up then knock you down. They will make you feel loved and incredibly special, then they emotionally distance themselves from you to keep you unsure of the relationship and your reality.

They are a mishmash of behaviors and actions that they have harvested from different people they have met at different times in their life. All their ideas or ways of behaving in any given situation are stolen from others, people they know or perhaps think of as an authority. They morph into these qualities like an actor memorizing their role in a play or a movie.

They push your buttons like an elevator, with constant ‘ups and downs’ to keep you off-balance blameworthy OR the very opposite of this with positive compliments to lock you back up into the cycle of abuse.

They groom you with subtle to extreme manipulation with a combination of charm and rage (harm) to keep you controlled.

Their sense of omnipotence and self-importance (extreme neediness) means that they will manage down the conversations of others and back onto themselves.

They are PATHOLOGICAL liars, using all forms of lies to deceive. To quote a friend of mine, “If they are breathing, they are lying!”

They treat people as servants and expect them to do mundane things or always pay their way, since they feel so deserving and too important to do them. They manage people down to be more of a servant to them without a voice.

They constantly use “I”, “me,” and “my” when they talk because they are the most important thing in the world – it is ALWAYS about them.

You will very rarely if ever hear them talk about their innermost thoughts, life, memories, or dreams, because there are none that are real and personal to them – they will LIE and make up situations to create a false image of their extreme goodness and amazing life. They will pose in a picture with their biological children as if they are such a real participant in their world when they just happened to be in a situation where their spouse did ALL of the work, and the Narcissist poses for the photo opportunity only but did NOTHING real to support the spouse’s efforts in raising them.

They remain at a childlike level of maturity where there is never any growth – there is no operable maturity in their thinking.

It is always “me, myself, and I” and never ever “we” unless they need something, so they manipulate you once more to believe in the “we.”

They express fake empathy and use it as a tool that they con unsuspecting targets into their lair of darkness.

They only “give to get” by being nice or helpful expecting reciprocation. Always an agenda to get or take something as supply.

They present themselves as “having it all together or being on top of the world” never showing or divulging their many failures, weaknesses, AND darkness!

They shift to a defensive mode and/or rage very frequently when they feel threatened or are made accountable for their deceptive manner. This is a HUGE control mechanism to keep you in a subservient place or role in their lives!

They apologize, but it is ALWAYS shallow and never means there will be a real change in the bad behavior they were called on, it just means they are reeling you back to abuse you more for supply!

They deflect or run from their own problems rather than addressing them responsibly AND just blame someone else in the world.

They will demand your trust rather than earning it – and they will never be transparent enough for you to see any of their real qualities only the fake ones they create to shore up their ‘good’ image. They KNOW that they are not real enough to trust, so they always deflect to hide what they really are.

They see you as an extension of themselves, an object to use, you are never an individual and they will resist your every attempt at freedom from being a source of supply.

They re-write history, create incredulous and false stories, euphemisms, make up their own rules and laws but obey none. Their truth is completely FALSE!

They always talk about themselves to stay in control – our role is that of an entity like a mirror where they can stroke their ego through the false image, they reflect onto us!

They find all your weaknesses and exploit them to make you feel vulnerable.

They honor NO personal boundaries and rarely listen or respect your “No.”

They will easily take advantage of others to reach their own goals without giving their actions a second thought. There is absolutely NO empathy in their world.

They will take or steal whatever they want from you or anybody. What is yours is theirs (without asking!)

Their façade is to always appear to be tough-minded, unyielding, and unemotional to remain in control of others. But they will react to criticism with anger, blame-shifting, shaming or humiliating others to maintain their façade.

They fail to recognize people as individuals and consequently demean, devalue, and dehumanize everybody that enters their lair of deceit.

They are very aggressive, hostile, verbally vicious, MEAN, and will punish anybody that wounds their delicate ego. They will divert to their defensive mode and will rip you apart with their rage and disgusting mouth. They think nothing of physically making fun of somebody to empower themselves and this makes them feel like they are in control.

They will vocalize regret for their actions, but it is for ‘show’ and only for a short period of time. They will soon rationalize it away with blame, shame, projection and basically dumping it all down our throat as being the problem and not them.

They are ALWAYS the sexiest, best looking and they will tell you how this person and that one checked them out and ‘wanted’ them. Their appearance is important, so primping in every mirror, and fastidiousness is common ground for them.

They talk in such inappropriate ways and believe that they are above reproach, and we actually want to hear their perverse words or listen to their descriptive dialogue about their out-of-control lifestyle.

They will rationalize everything to make sure they always come out on top by negating praise that is appropriated to someone else.

They will steal your idea, your quote, your plan, your wisdom and EVEN your life and make it their own. They will fake their credentials, re-write history, name drop, lie on their resume or about their credentials – anything to get what they want without earning it the correct way.

They can create destructive chaos in any organization or business environment and cause dissention among the people that work there. This includes volunteer situations, church organization or virtually any group setting that they join.

This is a PARTIAL list of how they successfully make their ‘crazy making’ an operative agenda in every situation. Their abuse is never confined to just relationships they abuse every person and or situation that they are a participant. Their abuse is all too familiar to their families, biological children, friendships, co-workers, and organizations they are involved in. Unfortunately, the closer you are to them the more apparent their abuse becomes. They charm their way into everybody’s lives and ALWAYS harm them. I coined the phrase from “charm to harm.” Allowing a Narcissist into your life is a train wreck waiting to happen. You must avoid them like the plague because their crazy making is psychological abuse that severely damages people, their careers, and their whole life. No/minimal contact is the only anecdote to their destruction and poison! You CAN’T allow them into any aspect of your life! Lock them out of your heart and mind! Greg

ALL OF THOSE LIES and that is what this relationship was all about!

ALL OF THOSE LIES and that is what this relationship was all about! You will never be able to conjure up a conceivable motive for why they lie as they do. If they are breathing, they are lying – and you can count on the fact that it is to always benefit THEM or to protect THEM from other lies and indiscretions, or to weasel their way out of a bad situation, OR into a situation that serves THEM! Finding our way through the dense fog of this abuse with knowledge, education, and clarity. Narcissists will say ANYTHING so basically you can count on it all being LIES and there is ALWAYS an agenda behind those lies that benefits THEM! They lie in Technicolor with a wide spectrum from simple or nonsense lies to the outrageous, obnoxious, and perverted or the wildest lies conceivable.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Narcissists lie gratuitously, about matters great and small (and everything else in between). Their lies are the substance that they invent their false mask or shield from that hide their dark and secret disorder. So, the Narcissist creates a special person just for each of us, BUT really it is created to pull us into their world to fulfill their NEEDY agenda and control. They decide what rights you will have, what they want you see, and what they want you to hear, and especially what they want you to know. THEN they embellish it all with brightly colored wrapping paper and a big beautiful bow and a gift tag with our name on it and a “Love always – Your Narcissist – XOXOXO !” Unfortunately, when you start unwrapping that present you find that it is just an empty box.

So within this grand illusion that they create and live in, they won’t hesitate to say that black is white or square is round and you are expected to believe them. They will lie to you about facts they know that you know. They lie to you about what you have said and done, even if you said or did it only a few seconds ago and know the truth. They lie to you about what they have said and done in your very presence. If they are breathing, they are lying!

Being amoral or just numb to the existence of morality as far as their integrity goes is based solely on what the Narcissist wants. It is like a cantankerous, irrational three-year-old child throwing a tantrum. The Narcissist never gives up the argument. That Narcissist is standing there in front of you to win. If you engage the Narcissist, he/she will pull you down to their level. Keep engaging in an argument with a Narcissist and he/she brings it down to another level, and another level AND to a level lower than you care to stoop to, so you just stop then and there because it is just futile to go on anymore. The Narcissist has no self-respect, and behaving this way is not beneath them.

Now you are standing in front of them, and they look like big boys and girls (adults) but they are dragging you back to your days at the playground and if you don’t play exactly the way they want you to play “make believe” they will throw you off of the merry-go-round.

So, the Narcissist needs people to feed their Narcissistic Supply. But he/she refuses to create or associate with any person in an emotionally meaningful way. The Narcissist lacks the needed skills – or real EMPATHY – which is required to connect to obtain his/her drug (supply), so they make it up as they go. The very people who are supposed to sustain the Narcissists grandiose fantasies through their adoration and attention will always find the Narcissist repulsive and too dangerous to interact with after the truth becomes apparent that love and life with a Narcissist is one big lie. No/Minimal contact to stop the chaos and crazy making that their lies create within our time with them. Greg

That extreme CONFUSION or clinically what is called ‘cognitive dissonance.’

That extreme CONFUSION or clinically what is called ‘cognitive dissonance.’ How we get manipulated and stuck in between the complete POLAR OPPOSITES of the Charm and Harm! A Narcissist intentionally inflicts this duality upon us to keep us confused, disoriented, constantly performing for them, and walking on those eggshells, but we NEVER find any sense of reality as far as OUR part in this relationship with them!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

This is a person we cared for, loved, or basically believed in no matter what the relationship was! But they demeaned us, hurt us, and made us feel wrong and worthless! How can both of these things coexist and be true. What did we believe in that now makes us feel so confused and lost – is it us? NO this is what emotional and psychological abusers do to people – tear their victims down piece by piece to control them. It is NOT you it is them and the abuse situation! Unfortunately, we bonded with them and that tugs at our heart and messes with our mind and makes it so hard to cross that bridge to the REAL truth that they abused us.

Most every conversation you have or had with them always seemed to leave you confused and drained. You and ONLY you were left with the burden of trying to figure out what they have said or basically what the heck just happened. It was like a hit and run accident and you are/were left in shock trying to gain a foothold of the incident. A basic conversation would go from zero to a hundred miles per hour and in a direction that put you in the path of an unavoidable crash, AND you were not able to control the direction you were headed in. FACT – it was meant to be that way!

You ask yourself how did this all start and what led up to it? You will end up spending hours, or perhaps even days, obsessing over the intent of the message or argument. You exhaust all your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing – it was pre-planned to be this way by the Narcissist. There does not seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but there is as far as it concerns the Narcissist that is controlling you. They do not care so there is no reality – but on the other hand YOU believed in this person and do/did care. You are left at such a conflicting place with polar opposite thoughts that only confound and confuse you – so you only try or tried harder to fix what you couldn’t.

Let’s look at this confusion. Everything they have absorbed or learned about you was being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to charm you because they know your likes and they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no you in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!

So, what about these ridiculous and crazy arguments, etc. You could have NEVER kept up with the original conversation (or argument) in a realistic manner because it was basically nonsensical in your mind and had no real basis of reality. But it served a purpose as far as the Narcissist is concerned to deflect from something or the other, or there was an agenda to it, or to demean and dehumanize you – control, control, CONTROL. BUT it served its purpose because it confounded or confused you and forced you to process the CRAZY information with no real success. You will have many rebuttals going on in your head AFTER THE FACT because you feel a need to defend yourself or rationalize what happened. Basically, you are trying to fix the situation, but was it an argument because you really didn’t do anything but yet you feel like you did something, BUT WHAT IS IT YOU DID??

BAM, this is exactly the place a Narcissist wants you to go to – total confusion and insanity – THIS is the emotional/psychological abuse that disabled you. They have drawn from the vast wealth of knowledge they have gained from observing you and use it consistently to maneuver you into a place of confusion and isolation. There are many reasons behind each of these scenarios, but they are basically to manage you down and to control you. However, you will try to resolve this because you feel you need to address what happened and more than likely to defend yourself hoping for resolution but in the end, you will find that you are the person apologizing. After a while, these crazy arguments will have you stuck in the confusion so much so that you have lost all perspective of your relationship, as well as your value in the relationship. You are always responding to the Narcissist’s crazy making and never participating in a reciprocal or real relationship. You are being emotionally and psychologically abused! Again, this is because of the bond we have with them – or the bond we were manipulated into believing and what keep us or kept us attached at the hip trying to find cohesiveness where there was NONE!

With all of that being said, your mind is always trying to process a duality that exists – you care or love them and believe in them but on the other hand you don’t like what they do to you, and you find yourself buried under all of this confusion. How can the person you have come to care or love and vice versa, have changed so drastically? They have not changed; you are only seeing the truth about who and what they are. You just do not completely get it yet. What exists is cognitive dissonance. In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values. The theory of cognitive dissonance focuses on how we strive for internal consistency. When inconsistency (dissonance) is experienced, individuals tend to become psychologically uncomfortable and they are motivated to attempt to reduce this dissonance, as well as actively avoiding the situations and information which are likely to increase it. The struggle exists within loving this monster and trying to avoid the unavoidable and consistent managing down (or the dissonance.) How do you avoid this when there is a bond or love is the reality that you are hanging onto?

So again – whatever they may have done to you was done with intent no matter how it may have hurt you AND they just do not care and feel justified in their actions. There is no real relationship or love as far as the Narcissist is concerned. They live in a perverted and out of control world and take whatever they can from people with NO CONCERN to the harm they inflict on anybody else. AGAIN, WE MUST UNDERSTAND that there is no real relationship with them! We BELIEVE there is BUT we are all just taking our turn as supply and even though we are their PRIMARY source that still does not mean that it is real by any means.

So, in a nutshell what does this cognitive dissonance do to us on our journey forward? You start the process of recovery in disbelief, fear, and shock! The shock in essence numbs you temporarily from going completely insane by giving you the ability to separate yourself from the totality of this disaster or some breathing room – it is nature’s sedative. Once the dust settles though you start to see the whole picture standing before you and now reality sets in. As you are setting out on this journey your emotions are going to be overwhelming as you try to understand all of this, and they get in the way and confuse you. You are trying to sort through pure chaos, and you may respond to it with tremendous ambivalence, anger, hatred, vengefulness, and MANY other negative feelings. Along with this you will be doing some deep soul searching trying to put perspective on so many opposing thoughts that do not correlate with the care or love you believed in AND it creates a huge void and a great sense of being so lost and alone in all of this.

You must constantly tell yourself and reinforce that this was not a normal or real person that COULD care, love, or bond with you. You must accept that it was a huge lie and most importantly that it had nothing to do with you because the Narcissist managed you down to believe that you are to blame and the disordered one! You must accept that it did happen to you and there is no rhyme nor reason to it because Narcissists are character disordered and in a class of their own. They are dangerous to human beings and destructive and you are so FORTUNATE to be FREE of them (in time you will clearly see this). You are a testament to the very reality and truth that YOU have experienced their psychological abuse and have been severely damaged by a relationship with them. You must completely switch off from thoughts that pull you into believing they will change, or you can fix them – YOU CAN’T!

Now you must actualize that there is so much goodness in you and seriously that is what this Narcissist wanted to own and destroy and that is why they targeted and disabled temporarily. You ARE a good person and probably an AMAZING person so do not ever lose touch with this because the Narcissist told you differently. They are disordered and negative and they live with this premise to make everyone else around them unstable by managing them down. THIS is what psychopaths do to their targets, manage them down to nothingness to control them.

You have to create a discipline to stop looking at the ‘what ifs’ or ‘could I have done this or that’ or that somehow you caused this abhorrent treatment. You must stop yourself from trying to obtain information about what they are doing through social media OR trying to make any type of contact with them. You seriously must just stop thinking about them as being anything real to you and concentrate on YOU. Tell yourself that this is DONE! Yes, there are situations that you must stay in contact with them, but again you must separate the emotions and break the chain that binds you to their psychopathy and keep it to the business at hand. Ask yourself what it is you would want back (as in fixing the relationship?) Do you want to enter back into the abuse to experience more dehumanization, lies, betrayal and extortion? No of course not! Lock into this message and put your happiness first!

Now as far as connecting to the reasons WHY you were the target of this disordered Narcissist – in a nutshell it is because they are predators after prey pure and simple. With this type of encounter with horrendous abuse we have a strong desire to re-evaluate our life and behavior. Again, this is normal and can be progressive in your recovery because it is your desire and ability to grow, transcend and move forward. The encounter will provide a spark to grow and evaluate your inner self to correct anything that kept you tied to the abuse, and you will correct all of that with introspection and boundaries – but that will happen once you traveled through the truth that this was abuse and you are no longer vulnerable and caught up in the distorted emotions and confusion. Acceptance will move you forward, anything else will pull you right back into the confusion as well as more abuse and you will only have to start at square one AGAIN! No/minimal contact to start this important journey. You can and WILL get through this confusion if you empower yourself with knowledge, education, support from other victims/survivors for clarity, and using your voice to gain the information you need to move forward! Greg

It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism to) HAVEN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder – they were just charmed into believing they were NORMAL. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises.

It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism to) HAVEN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder – they were just charmed into believing they were NORMAL. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who do not have a personal connection or primary role in their life to see reality of who and what they REALLY are. Once you get emotionally close to a Narcissist, THEN AND ONLY THEN do you get to see them drop their carefully crafted and charming mask that hides the out-of-control and abusive creature hiding behind it AND that is after they have TOTALLY fooled and conned you into their world.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

A Narcissist is so seductive that he/she makes you believe in him/her with your whole heart, mind, and soul. Unfortunately for all who tread on this emotional rollercoaster with a Narcissist they do not realize just how dangerous this connection with them is – HOW would we because in the beginning it is rewarding.

The charm a Narcissist utilizes creates an oblivious feeling of being connected or very attracted to most everything about them. We can become fascinated with someone because of their physical beauty BUT a charming and captivating Narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks can increase the magnetic pull towards the Narcissist, but that is not at the core of this abuse, it is the manufactured charm that is a psychologically and deceptive tool used to manipulate, condition, manage you down and control you.

They charm people to death (figuratively) and this is what literally attracts us to them. But with a Narcissist it is a magnetism that makes you feel a sort of hypnotizing attraction that manifests itself in your psyche and your soul! In reality you are being charmed by their power of REFLECTING back everything that is YOU creating this intoxicating and deep-rooted bond. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you have known them a long time, soul mates, or you feel very safe with them – perhaps you have known them in a prior life or whatever fantasy belief that Narcissist has instilled in your mind.

This is the Narcissists goal, and they are the biggest con artists that exist, and they mean to extort everything they can from you. They have unlocked the door to your head, and they are planning on using that entry to their advantage. They will move right in manipulate and manage down most everything that is your reality as you KNEW it. A skilled and extreme Narcissist knows just how to reflect your image right back onto you so that you feel like you are almost twins. What is not to like and trust when you have EVERYTHING in common?

A Narcissist creatively figures out some unique and impressive angle quickly, and one that few people would ever engage in. Basically, they are manipulating your emotions to gain entry into your heart and mind. Narcissists can typically manipulate most people with their extreme CHARM. They are always ten steps ahead of you, so much so that it is uncanny. They are very QUICK with these unique approaches and “BAM” they have swept you off your feet and keep you there to get something YOU have that THEY want. What else is there to do but bask in the glow of this unique relationship! You are undeniably intrigued by everything about them. When your relationship sours because the ugly truth rears itself with a Narcissist, you better duck for cover and be ready for a whole lot of damage control. ALSO, they have their minions or support team on the outside world that will take up their cause WHEN they start to destroy your integrity. CHARM is their tool to create their entourage and protectors. Their whole world is fake, and they construct each and every component of it to effectively protect themselves.

Again, they are ten steps ahead of you and have already thought through how you will react and are ready to discredit, disable, and destroy you. You can trust that they are determined to humiliate and obliterate you to avoid exposure of the truth that they are abusive predators. More than likely, they have already started another relationship well before they ended the relationship with you. It is always about a constant source of new supply, and they will keep up this abusive cycle all throughout their lives. NO/Minimal Contact! Knowledge is your power to getting to recovery. Greg

WHAT we really are to a Narcissist! With a Narcissist, you are NEVER an individual with any needs of your own – you are cast as a performer to serve their needs.

WHAT we really are to a Narcissist! With a Narcissist, you are NEVER an individual with any needs of your own – you are cast as a performer to serve their needs. It was a role you were emotionally manipulated and conned in and out of and you were only dehumanized, subjugated, and objectified by a personality disordered person each and every time they needed you as supply. Everything else ‘in between’ was just their psychopathy and games that kept you so locked up in confusion and believing!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

What does a Narcissist do when we demand our individuality or ask to be treated as a person SHOULD be? They manage us down into the smallest pieces they can and act out to control us, silence us, and make us feel small and worthless. They have numerous tools in their arsenal, but the most efficient of all is replacing us with another person when we do not acquiesce to ALL of their needs – it is just what they do because they cannot bond beyond using us for what we have and what they need so they will just find someone else to replace us. What is the message the Narcissist is sending? It is no big deal to find another person to fill your shoes. This truth is crazy to comprehend, but it depicts the true nature of a relationship with a Narcissist, and they just go on with life switching out their partners like buying a new pair of shoes – everyone is an object that takes a turn in the Narcissist’s life.

Think about it in real and practical terms. When we are talking about the ‘real’ relationship with a Narcissist remember this if you will remember anything – the relationship with a Narcissist is NOTHING that concerns romance, unconditional love, bonding, or a healthy relationship that grows with them, we are talking about the subjugation of an object and WE are that object. Yes, Narcissists exploit their partners just as if they were an inanimate object that they will replace or throw out in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, they play a great game of making us believe we are more than that because it is all part of the mechanics, they use to pull us into their agenda to become their latest object. That charm or love bombing is the trap they set for every target soon to be victim!

A Narcissist will find a way to put a partner in their ‘designated position’ or better yet a dehumanizing and disabling role that is only meant to consistently numb the victim or keep them in that fog of confusion to basically serve the Narcissist’s sadistic needs. A Narcissist tears down a partner’s equality and worth with many manipulative and devious steps that steal away his/her power AND the Narcissist in turn empowers themselves through this controlling behavior. These are highly insecure and envious creatures at heart that manipulate, betray, lie, cheat, extort and every other disabling thing they can do as well as hide the truth of their disordered nature. What else would you or could you do if you are akin to a fictional dark and empty creature like a vampire but seek out and find victims to suck the life force out of. A Narcissist will always find a way to unleash their toxic waste or sewage on the rest of us. SO never try to grasp at the vision they have a happy, normal, and fulfilling life now or ever. Everyone that gets to know your Narcissist will only become their next target for their fake and psychotic pursuits that define their abuse.

Most if not all targets/victims are generous, trusting, normal, and kind people and basically this is why the Narcissist was attracted to you because your empathy and love was strong and in place for this Narcissist to exploit. It is a fact that Narcissists are sadistic, cruel, and insensitive and their actions toward people are very painful. It is cruel, dehumanizing, and basically criminal what they do to normal, loving, and good people AND it is impossible for us to wrap our heads around it all but remember Narcissists are not normal by any means and they do not have the empathy that we possess. They are unable to feel, sense or appreciate feelings, compassion, or other people’s needs. They do not acknowledge, or respect boundaries and they will consistently trample them down, especially when they are discarding you and moving onto their NEXT victim. When you are wondering or worried about them and not caring for yourself, they are not considering anything as it concerns YOUR well-being or the hurt you are feeling because they just do not care. A Narcissist is always so absorbed with THEMSELVES and after that horrendous discard you are just the past, but they will wring every last ounce of attention (good or bad) out of you before dumping you especially when they are moving on to their next victim – BUT and really know this because it is huge – only if you let them!

NEVER fall into the trap of trying to redeem yourself with them because you are only reacting to more of their manipulation because they WANT to confuse you even more to keep you so far away from the truth. You cannot ever fix the past with them, change them, rescue them, save them, or communicate with them. If you do, they will just set you up to manage you down MORE and drag you back for a little or a LOT more of their abuse. A bit of advice from this survivor, and that is find ways to stop yourself from trying to re-connect with your Narcissist. You must stop completely and ignore your Narcissist with the strongest boundaries you can create! Remember, every minute you let them sit in your thoughts YOU lose a little bit more of yourself and you have already given up too much! Do not let them occupy space in your heart and mind once you know the truth about what they are – DISCARD them from your heart and mind forever.

ALL their repressed feelings from the damage they inflicted on so many people they avoid like the plague, and they just don’t deal with it. They do not want to struggle with blaming themselves because the real truth would make them implode. Yes, they do not care about what they have done, but remember that is how they are wired or how they rewired themselves and their internal mechanics. Their life is built on this premise, so it is also their reality (or basically lack of reality). Their extreme denial represses anything that would blame them as being the problem and that is buried so deep in them and a huge part of their world or a working mechanism in their disordered personality. Clinically they dump all of this through projection or basically blaming you in a disordered and dysfunctional method for everything they have done to you. Think back to things they have accused you of or the crazy and nonsensical arguments and how you would shake your head in disbelief wondering where they came up with this garbage – that was them projecting and dumping their toxic waste onto YOU.

That is why their lives are spent running a marathon or from one trivial distraction to another, and another because they must keep their mind busy and AWAY from the real truth of who and what they are. In my estimation, it is pathetic when you catch on to what they are doing. Remember that they were doing this when they were with us, always searching for something or someone else and BLAMING us because we just did not offer everything they needed – but you, me and everyone else gave everything they had. This is why so many Narcissists are also addicts too, but basically they are addicted to their own neediness and seeking out some sort of external attention. All these creatures are doing is trying to escape their fate of ultimately being alone because of how damaged they are, BUT they never seek out any form of help to fix themselves. Unfortunately, they are not cuddly creatures that you can love and help because they will devour you to protect themselves from seeing their own reflection and reality and this is why they abuse us. They can’t face themselves, so they ultimately blame and destroy each and every person that becomes involved in their life and calls them out for their abusive ways.

Narcissists HATE to lose so they must wage a war and WILL only pursue a victory (in their mind only)! With any argument or even the discard he/she is not pursuing YOU to get you back and make proper amends, but it may LOOK like they are pursuing you. The Narcissist wants to put things right back to the way they are SUPPOSED to be with them psychologically abusing your mind and controlling your every move. Remember if you give in, forgive, adore, and admire this creature AND take him/her back they WILL incorporate some punishment for you “abandoning” them. They want you back but on their own terms, with the same degree of selfishness, psychopathy, AND abuse. Nothing has changed and if you respond to him/her and give them another chance, you will regret it and keep ending up at the same place over and over again AND one day discarded completely. The story ends the same way with every relationship.

It is a vicious cycle that will only destroy you if you keep repeating it. If the Narcissist can keep you under his/her control AND they will manage you down deeper and deeper into their abuse and having an incredibly happy time of it indeed. I hate to admit it, but I was guilty of this for 8 months after my relationship ended, but the positive thing is that I finally ‘got it’ and moved on and away from more abuse. I just didn’t understand the dynamics completely enough at the time, so I kept stumbling through it.

Your only hope for success is to completely go no contact or minimal contact if you have children together. You cannot still be friends or have the occasional e-mail or ANY contact whatsoever. Narcissists who have been dumped or abandoned you will NOT be normal ‘ex’s’ any more than they were normal partners because they are abusive. Respond to a Narcissist in any manner and he/she will without a doubt hurt you and devalue you again. Every little contact, every chance encounter, will set you back in recovering from what has been a psychologically traumatic experience for you. This was a toxic bond and not any type of NORMAL relationship that will yield anything near a normal closure with them. Remember you cannot heal from the trauma you are experiencing by reconnecting to the source because it will only add more and more layers of that same trauma. If you are going to recover from this, you MUST stay away from them. You WILL eventually get a clearer vision of reality once your mind gets some well-deserved peace AWAY from their chaos, manipulation, and abusive ways.

If you were married and have kids together, the Narcissist will make your divorce proceedings a living hell just like they did in your marriage. The Narcissist will act like they cannot wait to get rid of you, and then stall and impede the divorce as much as humanly possible just to make sure you know who is in control. And that is BEFORE the real nightmare begins, with the custody arrangements. You need to stay strong to get through this, AND then you still must deal with them until the kids are grown.

I hope this information helps you understand that a Narcissist is in this only for themselves. You were never a part of anything but instead a part of their agenda to extort your reality and life and to entertain themselves. Mine played and still plays the same music but I have plugs in my ears and blinders around my eyes and I just do not buy into any of the attempts or the garbage at all. I have moved on and found my place, happiness, and love again. This Narcissist will NEVER have a chance of ever knowing me again or even getting near to it no matter what game this Narcissist plays at. No contact means never again! I had the truth that gave me the vision I needed to return to a complete life of happiness and love, and so will you if you only allow it. You must get out of the darkness to experience the light again and get back to a real life that you once knew. You will see goodness once you leave this distorted creature and their negative messages completely behind you. Give yourself that chance every day – you can never look back if you seriously want to move forward. Please stop believing the lie! No/minimal contact! Greg

The UNSEEN ABUSE that only WE see and know because it happens behind OUR closed doors.

The UNSEEN ABUSE that only WE see and know because it happens behind OUR closed doors. That Narcissist’s CHARM that soon turns into HARM when we let them into our lives, our world, our head, and our heart! It is time to ‘boot’ that Narcissist out completely, close that door, and bolt it shut so that Narcissist can never return and get back in.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist skillfully weaves their manipulation into our lives to make us become dependent on them by isolating us, distorting, and destroying everything around us that is real to us, and then all that is left for us is THEM. They make us believe in them as if they ALONE are our savior to blind us from reality. They tell us how people talk about us, or this or that person is not good for us. They love us and ONLY want to protect us with this truth and HELP us, but they are subtly planting these distorted messages in us to get us to believe in them completely and isolate us and keep us close to them alone! These messages do their magic by making us feel worthless and as if something is terribly wrong with our lives and with us. In this process they are also gathering personal information from us to USE AGINST US too. So they are also telling these very people that love us that WE are also talking about them and they need to be CAREFUL as it concerns THEIR connection with us – this in turn isolates us completely.

Charm and love were what the Narcissist used to con you into the abuse by gaining your trust and a commitment to them as well as keep you connected and believing in them. The abuse was the working mechanism that this Narcissist used to control you, manage you down, isolate you, disable you and then use you completely to meet their needs. The WHY does not matter because you cannot fix this disordered person, nor should you attempt to. You saw that by loving them you were only abused, what could be more powerful than your love and why allow yourself to expend it on a desperate and destructive love with a Narcissist? If a person were damaged and fixable, unconditional love and support from another person would be healing, appreciated, and accepted. People that are real would seek out healing love and embrace it, not use it to keep you falsely connected to their agenda to use you so completely! Your love was abused because this is a disorder that you do not have the power to heal within this person (the Narcissist). You must know this and move forward for you and only you. You must use your powerful love to heal yourself!

We have spent too much time dodging their bullets and sheer survival has forced us to expend a lot of energy in trying to make sense out of the rantings and chaos of a disordered individual or a Narcissist. We could never dodge all those bullets, so we were really only a target with a big bull’s eye on us for Because of their pathology. The truth is that they just don’t care because they have the keen ability to release from any and all accountabilities. They do not know love and never will, but they will use it to manipulate a victim. They lack empathy so they can walk away from anybody, even their own children and blame everyone else for the reason why they abuse. They truly are predators that use power to control and abuse. They have no power over us because they are made of lies and deceit and that is not reality – especially OURS! Bulls eye on our back.

They are using the familiarity of personal stories we shared with them AGAINST us. This is triangulation where they pit one person against the other! They are destroying everything we love and cherish so that we become totally dependent on them. That is the addiction and trauma bond that is forced into our reality. Who do you turn to when you hear that everything around you or about you is so terribly wrong? The person that is standing directly in front of you that is loving you so completely BUT in reality, they are poisoning you at the same time! If I had a dollar for every time, I heard my Narcissist tell me that SOMEBODY was saying negative things about me, even Psychiatrists that were evaluating me and telling my Narcissist I was unstable – as well as family members, co-workers, or EVERYBODY! As silly and unreal as that sounds I am not kidding or exaggerating! A Narcissist does this very subtly and they are seamless at weaving their triangulation with little, tiny bits of truth and lies into your conscious world to make it seem plausible. I was an emotional punching bag to a highly disordered and not fully functioning human being. I finally got it and pushed forward and totally away from it and back to reality where I was before I fell into this devastating abuse and today, I am so much better as if I walked away from some sort of darkness and back into light, life and love again!

So, there are two essential and distinct parts to this acceptance to enable you to start on your personal journey to recovery and they are the emotional and intellectual realities. Intellectually it is understanding that this is a personality disorder to basically get you to your ‘ah ha’ moment that this was not anything near this love you believe/believed in but the actions of a ‘not fully functioning human being’ that was conning and using you. Emotions are not as easy to untangle especially when it involves that amazing thing called love that connects/bonds you to this disordered creature and distorts the truth and your reality – but you must realize that this love was also part of that huge con job. BUT we ARE able to fall out of love and it is so important to fall out of this toxic and poisonous love with both perspectives to see the clearer and bigger picture that it was purely destructive to you and meant to be. There was NO REAL LOVE!

Intellectually you need to assert the truth that they ARE so very disordered so you can purge the negative messages that were planted in your head that you are not worthy of this Narcissist’s love or a normal life. These negative messages were purposeful to manage you down to nothingness so the Narcissist could control you, isolate you, and keep you there while they extorted and used you as a source of supply. These messages are tricky because the positive ones from the ‘charm’ and ‘love bombing’ are mixed in there so well with the negative ones from the devaluation and discard and this is what has you so locked up in the ‘fog’ or confusion that you are feeling. They must be separated so that the positive love-bombing messages don’t pull you backward into believing that it WAS/IS real and there is a chance to fix this. Then intellectually understanding that all the blame/shame, lies, demeaning attacks and manipulation on you were projections from an incredibly angry and cunning creature to make you feel completely worthless and convince you that you deserve this – as well as to CONTROL you. They are only as powerful as you allow them to be. Break the destructive messages and attachment to them and they are no longer able to control you and you are free to become yourself again. Knowledge and truth are the keys you need to unlock the prison that this Narcissist has locked you up and in!

You must first STOP the dance and take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. If you do not take care of yourself, no one will do it for you. This unfortunately is our journey that we MUST take. The absolute best thing you can do is to end the toxic relationship, which is slowly making you mentally and physically sick and distorting your concept of what real love AND life is meant to be. You must purge the manipulative and destructive messages OUT of your head or else they will be stuck there with you forever. You have already stayed with this Narcissistic liar, cheater, and a mental abuser for way too long, and understand there is no love there, only a twisted addiction to something that has become a horrible and debilitating routine in your life. Do not waste one more second of your precious life with this Narcissist when you have a chance to achieve the true happiness in life and the ability to love normally. Remember what got you here and ask yourself why you would want to get back with this destructive person to try to fix all the absurd abuse when you CAN’T. Then look at your life and actualize how debilitating this relationship has been to you. This is not an option! Leave this relationship behind so you can reach your full potential again and you WILL because you ARE really an amazing person that proved how strong you were, how loving you were, and now how strong you are to be here today and able to move forward. No/minimal contact and NEVER look back once you actualize the truth! Greg

Smokescreens, diversions, vagueness, and ambiguity – how Narcissists distort the truth to their advantage to constantly confuse, weaken, and control their victim into submission and even trauma.

Smokescreens, diversions, vagueness, and ambiguity – how Narcissists distort the truth to their advantage to constantly confuse, weaken, and control their victim into submission and even trauma.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

How many times have you found yourself shaking your head in complete amazement AND confusion at what the Narcissist has just said to you? Furthermore, how many times have you been so shocked with things they have said that are the direct opposite of what you know they have said, or maybe what YOU have said, or something that is an outright LIE? How many times have you tried to rationalize through their constant maze of chaos? How many times you seen bright red flags that gave you that sense that something is terribly wrong with this person? Let us RESOLVE this with truth and clarity and purge it out of our hearts and heads – there is something wrong with this person.

In a normal relationship there is understanding and compromise and NEVER constant confusion and chaos over everything and anything that comes out of the other person’s mouth. However, with abusive and high-conflict individuals (Narcissists) there is no truth, reality, compromise or understanding which equates to absolutely NO EMPATHY, care, or truth on their part as long as it serves them. With a Narcissist there is merely a pattern of distortion and manipulation of facts/reality with a delusionary design or spin. What that interprets into for their target/victim is emotional and psychological terrorism and abuse. THIS WAS NEVER about you or anything YOU did – this is about the pathological person/Narcissist standing in front of you. They are like poison to all people!

Remember – this is all tactical on their part, so they KNOW what they are doing! The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication and the truth to divert reality and cause chaos, so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is now and it is everchanging! They live by NO standards but have many interchangeable ones that they make up as they go based on a particular agenda. Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically, we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and therefore they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask, so beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it is all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live, and we SUPPORT.

How does a simple question, a simple comment or ANYTHING turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are, and they MUST protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner, and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade.

This is all done in a manner to control the target/victim and keep them in a constant state of complete ambiguity and REALITY QUESTIONING, “is it me or is it them”. The target/victim is always questioning reality – where there is NO reality as it concerns a Narcissist. It is all part of the Narcissist’s agenda and a well thought out plan for them to keep their target/victim controlled by confusing, diverting/deranging reality, dehumanizing, and basically psychologically manipulating the target/victim to keep them in a constant state of despair. This is us dancing with the Narcissist – and they provide the music as well as the dance steps and the choreography. Again, the most important aspect in all of this is the manner in which the Narcissist controls a target/victim starting this whole process with positive manipulation or “love bombing” to first gain our trust to destroy it and us later – after they have extorted everything they could from us.

Ambiguity, lies, and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing reality, but the Narcissist also does this with an agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives, then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity!

Many ask what was it that made us so very vulnerable to their abuse? HERE IS THE ANSWER – it was that shrewd emotional con job/manipulation and pathological lies that they created for each of us personally that tricked us into their orbit and their deceptive agenda! It does not require a certain classification of person you are that describes you as weak or accepting of this horrendous treatment, or anything else as a justification of their abuse – THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE so do not blame yourself in any way! Grow from what you have learned with new strong boundaries, so it never happens again. It is while you are feeling weak, fragile, and confused that you will really call upon an inner strength that you never knew you had to recover from this insidious abuse. You WILL search for the education, knowledge, support, and clarity to rise above it. Just NEVER allow the Narcissist or your abuser to return because they will only twist the knife in your back as often as you allow them to – mine did and it was more hideous each time I allowed it – BUT then the anger and repulsion I felt from realizing the truth enabled me to discard and abandon the monster that played with my life FOREVER. It became my superpower AND it will become yours too because WE ARE JUST THAT AMAZING and resilient! No contact = YOUR freedom! Greg

Let’s really understand the truth and internalize that there is NOTHING real about a Narcissist NOR is there ever a relationship with them!

Let’s really understand the truth and internalize that there is NOTHING real about a Narcissist NOR is there ever a relationship with them! Everything they said and did was a product of the situational abuse they pulled you into. There is no shame or blame to be placed on you – you pulled through this and are an amazing survivor that survived the trauma of a disaster with a malignant Narcissist, and you will THRIVE!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist is chameleonlike and camouflages itself with intoxicating CHARM, so they basically get away with virtual psychological murder. They are good at it too. They even use it to get people to love them, so they can violate them emotionally and psychologically. Nobody is impervious to the Narcissists manipulative CHARM because they use it in every walk of life to get EVERYTHING they want and at all costs.

This chameleon nature of the Narcissist is a façade, false self or the ‘mask that they PRESENT to the real world that FOOLS us but allows them to get by or pass as normal and even likeable in public, but they are cruel, nasty dictators, terrorists, and abusers in their private lives AND behind people’s backs. They often have incredibly dysfunctional and damaged family lives and it is not uncommon for them to have multiple relationships or ‘past’ partners (that they still use as “extra” supply on the side), or ex’s that they harass and stalk relentlessly. Most have a long pattern of cheating on their partners. They are toxic and destructive individuals pure and simple, and THEY NEVER CHANGE. It is so very unfortunate that we fell for their façade and believed in them because the association we had with them was purely destructive to us and damaged so many levels of our lives.

The Narcissist sneakily back stabs people continually throughout their disordered life. To them it is control and power over others. They will consistently demonstrate their power with back handed and insulting behavior toward others AND in ALL walks of life. They will utilize behaviors like talking people down or making them the brunt of a rude and demeaning joke, making fun of them, totally ignoring or silencing them, being late for important events, simply not attending or walking out of events, avoiding being a team player at all costs, refusing to consult or ask for help and just acting out ON THEIR OWN SELF ACCLAIMED AUTHORITY. There are absolutely NO RULES that they follow, so there is never accountability either, and in fact that always gets displaced onto us through blame and shame because the Narcissist is the eternal victim of life. They will use BLAME everybody else as another tool to displace and divert from the truth of how disordered they are,

There is no having any type of a real relationship with a Narcissist, you may be in what you believe is a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you – you are Narcissistic supply or a working component in their life. You are only there to make them look good or because you are useful to the Narcissist as an object to satisfy a need. Nothing is ever internalized with a Narcissist like emotional bonds, caring, love or EMPATHY – it is ALL about them. Their world is totally external, and everyone is objectified like a shiny new car that the Narcissist drives/wears to make them look however special they feel they need to be AND as a tool to make THEIR life look shiny bright and work. Their image is a fake aspect of their chameleon like nature – and it constantly changes just like the chameleon changes its colors to blend into an environment. Pretty shrewd how they magically turn into whatever they need or want to be – but very deceptive and dangerous!

The Narcissist constantly violates boundaries albeit physical, emotional, and mental. They follow no rules in life, or respect human dignity/rights, or adhere to any written laws. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make, and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or take/steal anything that belongs to others. Ownership is their birthright or so they feel because they are above the normal order of life – remember THEY make all the rules. If they want it, they will take it. They will violate your standing with figures of authority in an effort to cause trouble/destruction or just to ‘one up’ you. They are truly extortionists, and they take everything and anything they can get their hands on from all walks of life. BUT remember this chameleon camouflages itself with CHARM – so they get away with virtual psychological murder because they have been doing this all their lives and they are just that good at it – they even use it to get people to love them, so they can violate them emotionally and psychologically. The people that know the truth about them are mostly their targets/victims – the rest become their minions at some useful level that they charm into believing just how special they are, AND they protect the Narcissist’s lies and disordered life – they are the enablers of their abuse.

OK, so the point here was/is to understand some of the mechanics that will hopefully help you release from the blame and shame that the Narcissist dumped into your head. You do not deserve to carry a debt for the time you spent with this person. You ARE a normal and loving human being that is equipped with empathy and you proved that all along. Do you ever remember feeling like this before you got involved with this Narcissist? NO, unless you were with another Narcissist. You did not magically go from a good person to an insensitive, non-caring person that could do nothing right in this crazy and debilitating relationship. You are not crazy or insane either. You were abused by a very defective person that ultimately managed you down more and more until eventually you lost sight of the real you. You will become that real person you once were because unlike the Narcissist WE ARE ABLE TO CHANGE. You were disabled by the extreme tactics used on you. With introspection, time, support, and real love, you can and will turn around. It is time for you to BELIEVE in yourself completely and discard everything and anything about what this Narcissist made you believe about yourself. They were a nightmare in your life, and now that you are awake and free from them it is time to put the real perspective or truth back into your reality that you are a normal and amazing person that has the tools to become whole again. You really must use them to succeed, so PLEASE no/minimal contact to start you out on that road to recovery! Greg

They PURPOSELY steer and trap you into a chaotic situation that leaves you exhausted, confused, and worn down completely!

They PURPOSELY steer and trap you into a chaotic situation that leaves you exhausted, confused, and worn down completely! Why we were always walking on eggshells or had that constant and uneasy feeling when we were around this Narcissist, or that feeling of anxiety, panic, and FEAR like we had to protect ourselves? Well, we were protecting ourselves from more chaos, more attacks, more blame, and shame – BUT FROM WHAT? The answer – abuse that constantly kept us wrapped up in uncertainty, chaos, and unbalanced with them – or their control!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

It is always a circular conversation with a Narcissist that never ends and is always filled with irrelevant and meaningless points, word salads and basically nonsense meant to keep you in chaos AND fearful with no end in sight. WHY because they want to diminish something about you through their conflicting messaging. They have a point and that is to bring YOU down with their words.

The Narcissist’s reign of terror and destruction begins with small negative comments about the victim. The Narcissist will begin to mentally disassemble the victim’s self-esteem and beliefs about themselves and the relationship. What was once considered the perfect relationship now becomes a relationship that is unnerving, controlling, debasing, dehumanizing, gut wrenching, unstable and full of blame and shame. The victim is constantly kept emotionally and psychologically off balance by the insidious behaviors of their Narcissistic partner and ALWAYS having to explain themselves and feeling like they must do more and more to please the Narcissist and living in FEAR.

So, they start off with what always seems like a command hidden in a question – and right away you feel confused and a little taken back by how they start this conversation out. You try to work with them, maybe even asking them to be more specific because you WANT to work it out. NO, that Narcissist is going to keep you jumping through hoops instead of getting some sort of reason or logic going because they want to take complete control of this so-called conversation by locking you up in a word salad or confusion. That Narcissist wants a REACTION – whether it is to get you frustrated, angry, or whatever so they can take it to another level – BUT you still do not know what the jest of it YET. You try harder – and even give your best attempt of resolving whatever they are trying to say – grabbing onto bits and pieces of what they originally said, and they raise it up to a higher level by scrutinizing YOUR good words and making them wrong now. They then weaponize YOUR words and say that YOU are mistreating THEM. NOW it becomes an argument about YOUR words – and you are standing there with your jaw dropping to the ground because where did this conversation come from and you still do not know what it is exactly about, you have given them options to resolve it – but now they are attacking you at every level they can treating you in a condescending tone like YOU are a child. This keeps going in circles and all that is happening now is that YOU are being admonished. They bring up things you said that were innocent and are now using them against use as if you threatened them – still you have no clue how this got to this point. Next, they will take it to a higher level where they will say that they have never experienced someone that acts like you, or others say or have said that you are difficult. Lastly it is time for them to push you close to the edge and accuse you of something or other that is supposed to make you feel horrible, they may even threaten you by saying that what you have done is illegal! BAM – there you go they have created a toxic scenario to trap you into a chaotic situation that leaves you exhausted and confused.

The victim becomes less and less of what they used to be prior to meeting the Narcissist. It becomes a vicious cycle of denigration, debasing, dehumanization, and destruction by the Narcissist until there is nothing of substance left of the victim. The dismantling of the victim’s total identity was skillfully orchestrated by the Narcissist, and then as if to add INSULT TO INJURY the Narcissist will unmercifully criticize and blame the victim for “not being the person” the Narcissist fell in love with. All of the “blame and shame” will ceremoniously be dumped on the victim to kick them down even further into the destruction a Narcissist inflicts on everyone.

The Narcissist will even “project” their betrayal and perverse lifestyle onto the victim and accuse them of what they (the Narcissist) is actually doing. The Narcissist will not yield to anything once they have the reigns of terror going and will even physically make fun of their victim to inflict every possible form of damage they can. This disables the victim completely, so they cannot possibly fight back and expose the Narcissist as the REAL abuser they are. The Narcissist has been back-stabbing and “smearing” the victim to family, friends, co-workers, and any other people that will listen to further damage the integrity of the victim. The Narcissist will then discard the victim quickly and without regard. The cycle of abuse and destruction has been completed. The victim has been disabled by the Narcissist and left by the roadside. This describes and is NARCISSISTIC ABUSE or better yet emotional and psychological rape of their victim. This is not simply “emotional abuse”, or a bad relationship between two people – this is a calculated attack of a predator after prey. This is a disordered human being that willfully harms good people – EVEN their own biological children will become victims of their damaging cycle of abuse. Predator after prey!

You can and will recover from this abuse – but YOU MUST understand that the Narcissist is as calculated in their attacks on people as is a shark with its prey. Once you establish the facts/truth about your abuser you must put it all into perspective to release from the “blame and shame” as well as the worthlessness you feel that the Narcissist made you internalize or better yet forced down your throat. Find that spirit, it is still there with you as well as your self-esteem, goodness, empathy, and LOVE — I promise you that this had NOTHING to do with who or what you are, it has to do with an extremely disordered person that manipulated you into ALL OF THIS because they are an abhorrent and disordered human being. You are and always have been the beautiful and amazing person you were – THAT IS WHY YOU ARE STILL HERE TODAY, and you still have tomorrow – and do not give that up. You WILL be the person you once were! Greg

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