That extreme CONFUSION or clinically what is called ‘cognitive dissonance.’ How we get manipulated and stuck in between the complete POLAR OPPOSITES of the Charm and Harm!

That extreme CONFUSION or clinically what is called ‘cognitive dissonance.’ How we get manipulated and stuck in between the complete POLAR OPPOSITES of the Charm and Harm! A Narcissist intentionally inflicts this duality upon us to keep us confused, disoriented, constantly performing for them, and walking on those eggshells, but we NEVER find any sense of reality as far as OUR part in this relationship with them!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

This is a person we cared for, loved, or basically believed in no matter what the relationship was! But they demeaned us, hurt us, and made us feel wrong and worthless! How can both things coexist and be true. What did we believe in that now makes us feel so confused and lost – is it us? NO this is what emotional and psychological abusers do to people – tear their victims down piece by piece to control them. It is NOT you it is ALL them and the abuse situation! Unfortunately, we bonded with them and that tugs at our heart and messes with our mind and makes it so hard to cross that bridge to the REAL truth that they abused us.

Most every conversation you have or had with them always seemed to leave you confused and drained. You and ONLY you were left with the burden of trying to figure out what they have said or basically what the heck just happened. It was like a hit and run accident and you are/were left in shock trying to gain a foothold of the incident. A basic conversation would go from zero to a hundred miles per hour and in a direction that put you in the path of an unavoidable crash, AND you were not able to control the direction you were headed in. FACT – it was meant to be that way!

You ask yourself how did this all start and what led up to it? You will end up spending hours, or perhaps even days, obsessing over the intent of the message or argument. You exhaust all your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing – it was pre-planned to be this way by the Narcissist. There does not seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but there is as far as it concerns the Narcissist that is controlling you. They do not care so there is no reality – but on the other hand YOU believed in this person and do/did care. You are left at such a conflicting place with polar opposite thoughts that only confound and confuse you – so you only try or tried harder to fix what you couldn’t.

Let us look at this confusion. Everything they have absorbed or learned about you was being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to charm you because they know your likes and they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no you in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!

So, what about these ridiculous and crazy arguments, etc. You could have NEVER kept up with the original conversation (or argument) in a realistic manner because it was basically nonsensical in your mind and had no real basis of reality. But it served a purpose as far as the Narcissist is concerned to deflect from something or the other, or there was an agenda to it, or to demean and dehumanize you – control, control, CONTROL. BUT it served its purpose because it confounded or confused you and forced you to process the CRAZY information with no real success. You will have many rebuttals going on in your head AFTER THE FACT because you feel a need to defend yourself or rationalize what happened. Basically, you are trying to fix the situation, but was it an argument because you really didn’t do anything but yet you feel like you did something, BUT WHAT IS IT YOU DID??

BAM, this is exactly the place a Narcissist wants you to go to – total confusion and insanity – THIS is the emotional/psychological abuse that disabled you. They have drawn from the vast wealth of knowledge they have gained from observing you and use it consistently to maneuver you into a place of confusion and isolation. There are many reasons behind each of these scenarios, but they are basically to manage you down and to control you. However, you will try to resolve this because you feel you need to address what happened and more than likely to defend yourself hoping for resolution but in the end, you will find that you are the person apologizing. After a while, these crazy arguments will have you stuck in the confusion so much so that you have lost all perspective of your relationship, as well as your value in the relationship. You are always responding to the Narcissist’s crazy making and never participating in a reciprocal or real relationship. You are being emotionally and psychologically abused! Again, this is because of the bond we have with them – or the bond we were manipulated into believing and what keep us or kept us attached at the hip trying to find cohesiveness where there was NONE!

With all of that being said, your mind is always trying to process a duality that exists – you care or love them and believe in them but on the other hand you don’t like what they do to you and you find yourself buried under all of this confusion. How can the person you have come to care or love and vice versa, have changed so drastically. They have not changed; you are only seeing the truth about who and what they are. You just do not completely get it yet. What exists is cognitive dissonance. In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values. The theory of cognitive dissonance focuses on how we strive for internal consistency. When inconsistency (dissonance) is experienced, individuals tend to become psychologically uncomfortable and they are motivated to attempt to reduce this dissonance, as well as actively avoiding the situations and information which are likely to increase it. The struggle exists within loving this monster and trying to avoid the unavoidable and consistent managing down (or the dissonance.) How do you avoid this when there is a bond or love is the reality that you are hanging onto?

So again – whatever they may have done to you was done with intent no matter how it may have hurt you AND they just do not care and feel justified in their actions. There is no real relationship or love as far as the Narcissist is concerned. They live in a perverted and out of control world and take whatever they can from people with NO CONCERN to the harm they inflict on anybody else. AGAIN, WE MUST UNDERSTAND that there is no real relationship with them! We BELIEVE there is BUT we are all just taking our turn as supply and even though we are their PRIMARY source that still does not mean that it is real by any means.

So, in a nutshell what does this cognitive dissonance do to us on our journey forward? You start the process of recovery in disbelief, fear, and shock! The shock in essence numbs you temporarily from going completely insane by giving you the ability to separate yourself from the totality of this disaster or some breathing room – it is nature’s sedative. Once the dust settles though you start to see the whole picture standing before you and now reality sets in. As you are setting out on this journey your emotions are going to be overwhelming as you try to understand all of this and they get in the way and confuse you. You are trying to sort through pure chaos, and you may respond to it with tremendous ambivalence, anger, hatred, vengefulness, and MANY other negative feelings. Along with this you will be doing some deep soul searching trying to put perspective on so many opposing thoughts that don’t correlate with the care or love you believed in AND it creates a huge void and a great sense of being so lost and alone in all of this.

You must constantly tell yourself and reinforce that this was not a normal or real person that COULD care, love, or bond with you. You must accept that it was a huge lie and most importantly that it had nothing to do with you because the Narcissist managed you down to believe that you are to blame and the disordered one! You must accept that it did happen to you and there is no rhyme nor reason to it because Narcissists are character disordered and in a class of their own. They are dangerous to human beings and destructive and you are so FORTUNATE to be FREE of them (in time you will clearly see this). You are a testament to the very reality and truth that YOU have experienced their psychological abuse and have been severely damaged by a relationship with them. You must completely switch off from thoughts that pull you into believing they will change, or you can fix them – YOU CAN’T!

Now you must actualize that there is so much goodness in you and seriously that is what this Narcissist wanted to own and destroy and that is why they targeted and disabled temporarily. You ARE a good person and probably an AMAZING person so do not ever lose touch with this because the Narcissist told you differently. They are disordered and negative and they live with this premise to make everyone else around them unstable by managing them down. THIS is what psychopaths do to their targets, manage them down to nothingness to control them.

You have to create a discipline to stop looking at the ‘what ifs’ or ‘could I have done this or that’ or that somehow you caused this abhorrent treatment. You have to stop yourself from trying to obtain information about what they are doing through social media OR trying to make any type of contact with them. You seriously must just stop thinking about them as being anything real to you and concentrate on YOU. Tell yourself that this is DONE! Yes, there are situations that you must stay in contact with them, but again you must separate the emotions and break the chain that binds you to their psychopathy and keep it to the business at hand. Ask yourself what it is you would want back (as in fixing the relationship?) Do you want to enter back into the abuse to experience more dehumanization, lies, betrayal and extortion? No of course not! Lock into this message and put your happiness first!

Now as far as connecting to the reasons WHY you were the target of this disordered Narcissist – in a nutshell it is because they are predators after prey pure and simple. With this type of encounter with horrendous abuse we definitely have a strong desire to re-evaluate our life and behavior. Again, this is normal and can be progressive in your recovery because it is your desire and ability to grow, transcend and move forward. The encounter will provide a spark to grow and evaluate your inner self to correct anything that kept you tied to the abuse and you will correct all of that with introspection and boundaries – but that will happen once you traveled through the truth that this was abuse and you are no longer vulnerable and caught up in the distorted emotions and confusion. Acceptance will move you forward, anything else will pull you right back into the confusion as well as more abuse and you will only have to start at square one AGAIN! No/minimal contact to start this important journey. You can and WILL get through this confusion if you empower yourself with knowledge, education, support from other victims/survivors for clarity, and using your voice to gain the information you need to move forward! Greg

Moving on with more of the truth!

Moving on with more of the truth!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

With emotional and psychological battering/abuse victims are entrapped by extreme manipulative and psychological persuasion over a lengthy period of time. What was the nature of our perpetrator when we met them? Did they have us at gunpoint forcing us into this psychological terrorism or did they offer us something so remarkably familiar, normal, trustworthy, and welcoming called LOVE? Yes, they manipulated us with something familiar and so believable that ANY person would fall for the fake charm and love bombing – if that does not define a predator, I don’t know what does! I have met very many wonderful friends from all over the world since I started writing about this abuse that I interact with daily. They are some of the strongest people I have ever encountered. There is not anything about them that shouts out to me that they allowed their abuse! They are full of love, empathy, and high functioning individuals! Abuse is not your fault it is situational!

Well, let us go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let us define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced and unhealthy and basically not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us – the label does not matter BUT the truth and education DOES. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims. The key words that describe the whole cycle of abuse is love-bombing, devaluation, discard, and I always add DESTROY! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled and that is what we must fix – not the relationship, justify it or the Narcissist – recovery is about us!

The journey to recovery is now a process because we were unconsciously living and dealing with all the destructive messages we internalized and validated as our reality. We must seek out education about this abuse and the truth about our situation as a key to unlock the door to our recovery. Yes, those messages are going to be in our head for a good while BUT we have to create a healthy balance and desensitize them. What this means is that we must move into a place where it is possible for us to recognize that a person HAS betrayed us in a manner to control us through mental abuse. We must think about it in terms to validate the truth of the situation, but not to try to dissect the Narcissist and put our energy into trying to get into their heads. We spent a great deal of time trying to fix or basically heal them and we gave away too much of ourselves. Turn this around and accept the truth that they are completely disordered and put that healing power back into yourself.

The recovery process is so multi-dimensional that it means that there are no simple answers to the question “how do I stop the pain and what do I do to move forward with my recovery?” There are answers that we need to have in the beginning of our recovery but they are basically concerning the educational process and a tried and true direction so we are ‘in the know’ about this disorder and can get our ‘ah ha’ moment and move forward.

The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure – UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation. They ran off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. That would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along.

Seriously I had to shut my Narcissist down with complete no-contact or go insane listening to the craziness! It was crystal clear what I was dealing with and I shut it down completely. I would still be receiving emails and text messages to this day if I did not. It was like a party to this Narcissist being able to have free range ‘raging’ at me, making fun of me, telling me sick and perverted stories of their crazy sex life, and projecting every horrendous thing this Narcissist did ‘onto and into’ me. That was enough for me to actualize just how dysfunctional this person was/is. Seeing and hearing them when their mask is off is frightening and eye opening. It was like projectile lies and ‘crazy making’ being shot at me from everywhere.

It is important for all of us to be validated as it concerns this abuse, but that validation has to come from ourselves because a Narcissist is NEVER going to allow themselves to be exposed as an abuser. In fact, that Narcissist is STILL abusing AFTER THE FACT through a vicious smear campaign using every piece of personal information, they have learned about you against you. This is just more of their devaluation and when they abandon you, they mean to leave no trace of your reality intact!

The Narcissist has manipulated and managed us down to the point of not trusting OUR own feelings and perceptions. Over the years, we internalized this twisted and distorted relationship and bent our own emotions in an effort to fix the relationship we THOUGHT we had. We cannot buy into those distortions and recover. That process is still running through our heads even though they have physically parted from our lives and we MUST shut this down. It was a horrendous roller coaster ride to keep us in a state of confusion and fear with so many ups and downs with no end to the ride and now it is time to jump off. YES, we believed it was love, but it was a desperate love that cost us a great deal – the truth is right there in those words!

As hard as it may seem for us to purge all the abuse out of us, it CAN be done. We were normal and psychologically sound people pre-Narcissist, and we can get back to what and who we once were. It does require deep introspection and setting up new and strong boundaries in our life and even looking at our part in any of this. There are many theories out there and they all have their purpose, but it must begin with us. Get healthy first by breaking completely away from the emotional tie or that bond that only you formed with the lie from the Narcissist. This can be done with minimal contact as well (when there are divorce proceedings or biological children) – BUT everything that ties you to a Narcissist must be BUSINESS only because they abuse and want to always have that control over you to drag you back in – DON’T let them.

You HAVE the ability to change if you deprogram the messages that have been imprinted on your mind but only if you ALLOW yourself to be your OWN motivator in this process. Just say ‘NO’ to the Narcissist. Remember the old drug campaign that showed an egg as describing your ‘healthy’ brain, and then it showed that same egg in a frying pan stating this is your brain on drugs (the fried egg.) Well just switch that around to the fired egg being your brain after being with a Narcissist. Please understand no/minimal contact and start of your road to recovery, it is imperative to moving on! Greg

Narcissistic shock tactics that they use to confound, confuse, and traumatize.

Narcissistic shock tactics that they use to confound, confuse, and traumatize. How many times have you found yourself shaking your head in complete amazement AND confusion at what the Narcissist has just said to you? How many times have you been so shocked with things they have said that are the direct opposite of what you know they have said, or maybe what YOU have said, or something that is an outright LIE? How many times have you tried to rationalize through their constant maze of chaos? How many times you seen bright red flags that gave you that sense that something is terribly wrong with this person? Let us RESOLVE this with truth and clarity and purge it out of our hearts and heads – there is something wrong with this person.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

In a normal relationship there is understanding and compromise and NEVER constant confusion and chaos over everything and anything that comes out of the other person’s mouth. However, with abusive and high-conflict individuals (Narcissists) there is no truth, reality, compromise or understanding which equates to absolutely NO EMPATHY, care, or truth on their part as long as it serves them. With a Narcissist there is merely a pattern of distortion and manipulation of facts/reality with a delusionary design or spin. What that interprets into for their target/victim is emotional and psychological terrorism and abuse. THIS WAS NEVER about you or anything YOU did – this is about the pathological person/Narcissist standing in front of you. They are like poison to all people!

Remember – this is all tactical on their part, so they KNOW what they are doing! The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication and the truth to divert reality and cause chaos, so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is now and it is everchanging! They live by NO standards but have many interchangeable ones that they make up as they go based on a particular agenda. Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically, we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask, so beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live, and we SUPPORT.

How does a simple question. a simple comment or ANYTHING turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are, and they MUST protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade.

This is all done in a manner to control the target/victim and keep them in a constant state of complete ambiguity and REALITY QUESTIONING, “is it me or is it them”. The target/victim is always questioning reality – where there is NO reality as it concerns a Narcissist. It is all part of the Narcissist’s agenda and a well thought out plan for them to keep their target/victim controlled by confusing, diverting/deranging reality, dehumanizing and basically psychologically manipulating the target/victim to keep them in a constant state of despair. This is us dancing with the Narcissist – and they provide the music as well as the dance steps and the choreography. Again, the most important aspect in all of this is the manner in which the Narcissist controls a target/victim starting this whole process with positive manipulation or “love bombing” to first gain our trust to destroy it and us later – after they have extorted everything they could from us.

Ambiguity, lies, and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing reality, but the Narcissist also does this with an agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives, then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity!

Many ask what was it that made us so very vulnerable to their abuse? HERE IS THE ANSWER; it was that shrewd con job and pathological lies that they created for each of us personally that I outlined above. It does not require a classification of person you are or anything else to justify the abuse – THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE so do not blame yourself – grow with boundaries so it never happens again. It is while you are feeling these things like being weak, fragile, and confused that you will call upon an inner strength you never knew you had AND you will recover from this insidious abuse. Just NEVER allow the Narcissist or your abuser to return because they will only twist the knife in your back as often as you allow them to – mine did and it was more hideous each time I allowed it. BUT then the anger and repulsion I felt from realizing the truth enabled me to discard and abandon the monster that played with my life FOREVER. NO CONTACT = YOUR FREEDOM! Greg

Let us really understand how they MANAGE US DOWN to diminish us, harm, us, confuse us, and control us! ‘MANAGING DOWN’ putting more of the puzzle pieces together to understand this abuse! The Narcissist uses a distorted form of conditioning or manipulation making you believe you are OK and then you are not OK, and they use this just like you are a Yo-Yo to keep you off balance with all the ups and downs – BUT always making you go to a lower level feeling blameworthy and worthless!

Let us really understand how they MANAGE US DOWN to diminish us, harm, us, confuse us, and control us! ‘MANAGING DOWN’ putting more of the puzzle pieces together to understand this abuse! The Narcissist uses a distorted form of conditioning or manipulation making you believe you are OK and then you are not OK, and they use this just like you are a Yo-Yo to keep you off balance with all the ups and downs – BUT always making you go to a lower level feeling blameworthy and worthless!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

When we are attempting to relate to a Narcissist our interactions with them are basically manipulated into reactions that a Narcissist provokes by basically charming or love bombing our emotions positively or the direct opposite with negative reactions that put us on the defensive where we are basically having to always explain ourselves and made to feel wrong or even worthless. It is primarily about the negative reactions to gain control over their victim. It all stems from their shrewd interrogation techniques they used on us where they have gained all kinds of personal information that they have stored away in their memory for future use to Charm or Harm us. It is part of their big game plan or knowing the right or wrong things to get a reaction from their victim! All that information is significant and right there in their head and they will use it against us in some manner to get the response they want or to fulfill one of their many needs.

A Narcissist knows how to manipulate something in a way that makes us feel like we must justify or explain ourselves and our position – or in other words to keep us constantly off balance. They will make any conversation escalate into an argument by pushing the right buttons. Call it ‘bait and switch,’ or a diversionary tactic but they know how to manipulate your mood and emotions with their well-placed words. They are so good at this that it will make us feel angst or even get angry and then we end up looking like the crazy one because of how we react to the craziness. This is purposely baiting us to react and a routine they use regularly on their targets/victims. They will even try to elicit our anger in front of an audience if possible, to really make it effective! More than likely, we feel embarrassed by our own actions and reflect on OUR behavior but never realize that we have been managed down by the shrewd Narcissist!

Communicating with a Narcissist is impossible as far as reality is concerned so it follows that arguing or debating with them should be avoided at all costs because it will only provoke them into an attack and RAGE. So, in reality we shouldn’t communicate or even talk to them BUT unfortunately, we didn’t know this at the time we were dealing with them. If we could have only kept our innermost thoughts and feelings private, we would have saved ourselves so much of this disabling distress. Unfortunately, we trusted these individuals and divulged things because we believed in them so they earned our trust, but in essence they manipulated us into trusting them to fulfill their manipulative agenda and they know our secrets as well and that is dangerous because they will embellish our weaknesses and make us hyperaware of them.

Narcissists have many tools in their arsenal or weapons that they use to constantly keep us in a state of despair and confused – or in that ‘fog.’ A Narcissist has been this way for an exceptionally long time and they just go into autopilot to make the negative things happen that they need to stay in control and manage you and everyone down and in turn they feel powerful or better. Conversations are very calculated and manipulated with Illogical arguments and distorted views that wreak havoc on your mental faculties. Narcissists must constantly do this to avoid falling into the depths of their own disordered reality, or the awareness of just how sick they really are so everything is basically a diversion to control us and their environment. So, by playing these ridiculous and irrational mind games they think they raise themselves out of that dark world where they reside by tearing someone else down and walking all over that other person’s emotions and trampling down all of their boundaries – purely crazy or ‘crazy making.’ Think of bullies that have to put other people down or harm them so that they feel superior, but with a Narcissist this is all encompassing as far as their personality is concerned – as a matter of fact it IS THEIR COMPLETE being. They must malign everybody in their world and keep this absurd control mechanism going so they can survive.

Here is an example: Say you have an argument with a close friend or family member. You look for support in your partner (the Narcissist) feeling you can trust their opinion. The Narcissist will use this opportunity to turn the situation around onto you or basically blaming you by purposely taking the side of the person you are discussing (whether you are right or wrong). They may tell you that you are overreacting, too sensitive, or outright agree with the third party. The conversation isn’t meant to help or enlighten you to fix the situation – it is meant to manage you down, so you feel like you are WRONG!

They are essentially processing their victims which basically amounts to sucking the spirit right out of them, feeding off the negativity, and the constant managing down that they do to their target/victims that destroys their self-respect – and all of this is done to be in complete control! So, apply the logic here and that is how the Narcissist gets THEIR self-respect, by stealing or taking it away from others. Yes, it sounds absurd but basically it describes what a bully does to overpower people and feel some sort of superiority because they themselves are totally insecure. It is despicable that they infiltrate our world to harm us, but how they get us there to trust and listen to them is even more despicable because they manufacture a fake love first, so we develop emotions for them and then use this against us as part of the BIG con or agenda.

So, in essence they also play this game to fight off the awareness of what a contemptible thing their conduct has made them. They are not powerful; they are NEGATIVE and use this as a weapon to control and harm the very people that love them. So, we constantly ask ourselves why they do this, why did they pretend to love us to devalue us. WHY, why, why? Because these are very dysfunctional and miserable creatures that have extreme envy and even hate at the core of their disorder. You can’t put a real spin on this that would ever explain the why because they are disordered BUT you can see a clear picture, or a reality shot of the complete game they play, and it is destructive. With that in mind you must actualize the very truth that your very survival and recovery depends on getting them OUT of your life forever or they will keep pulling you down further and further until it is almost impossible to get back up.

So, let us just say that they ward off awareness of their extreme neediness by projecting most of it off and onto their target/victim – this is a diversion to keep you off balance and to make them feel powerful. But it is a vicious cycle with them because their existence will constantly challenge them and their illusions of their superiority – or basically the delivery of their contempt is ever-changing. Normal people cannot coexist in this parasitic relationship, especially one where your individuality is denied, and you are consistently managed down to question your own sanity. The Narcissist destroys every relationship because of their vast insecurities and need to win and feel superior. It is a dysfunctional cycle where they take every person from idealization to discard or from ‘charm to harm’ to achieve their dose of life sustaining supply. You must understand that this Narcissist is nothing even near happy or full of the charm they exude. Their inner mind is so riddled with their insecurities and an insatiable need for external attention to survive. It completely rules their world, and you can NEVER reach them because there is NO ‘them.’ They are stuck in this dysfunctional defensive mode and the slightest insult can send them into a major Narcissist injury, so WE pay the price and always have a ‘bullseye’ on our back! They are NOT fit for human interaction.

All this managing down is also done in a manner to create a strong dependence on them (the Narcissist.) They isolate you from the world and make you beg for their approval. They must control their target/victims to stay in control or else that mask would come flying of and that monster behind it would be out of control and they would be hauled off and locked away in a cage.

I have said this MANY time before: PLEASE understand that the feeling of worthlessness that the Narcissist creates in your psyche is more PERCEIVED than real OR what the Narcissist says and does to make you FEEL like this worthless person that NEEDS them. There is no ‘them’ and they know this so they have to create a façade that they can’t keep up because there is nothing to back it up with internally so they have to also manage you down to weaken you so you are always diverted from the truth of how damaged they are. They have slowly but surely trained you to beg for their approval through manipulation and managing you down. Human beings love unconditionally but that implies that they are individuals that deserve reciprocation and individualism. Within that we voice concerns and at times disagree with one another and work through things. If you point out an error A Narcissist made, they go into defensive mode to counter any such notion with anger, venting, rage, cold-shoulder, silencing, and punishing. There is no such thing as reciprocity with a Narcissist because you are NOT an individual interacting with them – you are an object for them to use that serves a specific purpose.

A Narcissist will make you feel special and then emotionally distance themselves from you in so many ways that keep you unsure of yourself – THEY ARE NOT VIABLE PARTNERS IN ANY TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP because they are damaged. Virtually all their ideas or the way they are behaving in any given situation are stolen from others, perhaps people they know and think of as superior – they have many copycat personalities that they use to create all of their many facades. People are basically servants to them, and Narcissists are blowhards, braggers, browbeaters, bullies, big-headed, but totally bogus. They will very rarely talk about their inner life, memories and dreams, or emotions BECAUSE THEY HAVE NONE! Narcissists demand your trust rather than earning it. They only see you as extensions of themselves and you are not allowed any individuality and freedom. They fail to recognize people’s emotions and feelings because all they can recognize are their own needs and wants. There is no substance to them other than a façade, lies and what they manipulate from life and people. To sum it up – they are emotional and psychological abusers! No/minimal contact to free yourself from this abuse and to move forward to a healthy lifestyle. Greg

It is especially important to understand the truth about these emotional, manipulative, and destructive abusers so we can completely break ANY bond we have with them! We MUST realize how dangerous it is to be caught up in ANY part of their toxic world.

It is especially important to understand the truth about these emotional, manipulative, and destructive abusers so we can completely break ANY bond we have with them! We MUST realize how dangerous it is to be caught up in ANY part of their toxic world.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Their sole pursuit is their omnipotence WITH complete compliance – or to be seen as God’s gift to the world through pathological deception and destructive acts of emotional and psychological terrorism to all people! They are only hiding a very damaged and dark world. There is no cure for them, and this is evidenced by the many people that have offered unconditional love to them only to be rejected and destroyed through their efforts. Love can and will heal all and if it doesn’t then it is beyond human capacity to change a person that is this devoid of the natural goodness of life and they are only soulless creatures. Ask yourself why they imitate love, or why they wear it as part of their disguise if not to achieve their destructive agenda. They know it well enough to use it but obviously they can’t be it.

They create scenarios to discover your weakness or fears and store them away to manipulate you later. They don’t use language as communication, it is for hiding, deflecting, avoiding, masking, & manipulating because their charm is completely false. They take pride in their own righteousness and rightness. They attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They NEVER believe they make mistakes even when they proof is right there in front of them. They have an innate inability to feel, process or truly understand shame from the negative and hurtful things they do to others – they can only blame and apply fault to everybody else. Contradict them a few times and you will feel their out-of-control narcissistic rage.

Their conversations and interactions are not meant to enlighten, but to confuse, control, and consistently create drama. They are a huge VOID, working to get whatever they can from you – basically they extort life and lives. They expect you to lend a listening ear and give them constant and complete approval. They use emotional withdraw and silencing to create guilt, compliance, and control. They will betray personal information and secrets to feel more powerful. They will manipulate and use flattery or protests of their innocence (crying, pleading, and begging) like a stealth weapon to achieve their agenda and get their way. They will use verbal skills to block or deflect accountability for their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle and sift blame onto YOU. They impact lives negatively but miraculously escape exposure even appearing to have some positive effect and you end up the negative aspect of the relationship with them.

I want to educate, describe, and give some insight about some of the typical ways a Narcissist maintains their ‘center of the universe’ agenda or omnipotence. How they operate as well as some of their manipulative reactions to warp our reality through blaming, shaming, drama, invalidating, making fun of your insecurities, and sharing secrets with others to triangulate and make you out to be the biggest piece of ‘poo’ in the world to build themselves up. This is all categorized as their manipulative CRAZY MAKING!

They will fake or imitate sincerity, caring, and honor under the guise of good intentions with an agenda to GET SOMETHING from you or anybody.

They blame and blame some more and then blame again, NEVER taking personal responsibility for anything they do wrong which is most everything!

They are HIGH maintenance creatures because they need your constant attention, praise, and deference to all their whims, fancies and needs without a single consideration to any of your needs. Deprive them of something they want and look out as they reveal their true destructive nature through raging!

They COMPLETELY lack all empathy, so they just do not care who they harm, use, or abuse! It does not matter if it is you, me, their mother/father, brother/sister, biological children, friends, senior citizens, husband/wife, the pastor/priest, law enforcement officials, and judges – get the point they will psychologically ABUSE everybody!

They may put on a great show, even smile when they meet you and even ask “How are you?”, but seriously they are not interested about you as a living and breathing person, yet alone an individual that shares this planet with them – you are only supply! Think of them as a trained parrot saying, “Pauley wants a cracker” but with them it is more aptly described as “Narcissist wants some supply.” There is no meaning behind the words with Pauley or the Narcissist, it is just a learned behavior to get something they want.

If you ever dare point out one of their many flaws or an error they made, they will strike out at you in a poisonous and defensive mode like a snake. They will counter any notion with anger, venting, rage, silencing, ignoring you with a cold shoulder, or abandon you as DUE punishment.

They will create some amazing and exciting plans, but rarely will make them happen. They want you to anticipate their generosity, but they will never offer anything more than the empty words. It is all ‘make believe’ or better yet “manipulating you to believe.” Basically, it is a ploy to make you believe they are giving and caring. Ask them about the non-existent plans and they will turn it around on you saying you just never seemed interested, or they never said this or that, etc.

They will shift blame onto you to purposely make you feel defensive, then they will belittle and devalue you for being defensive, saying you are ‘an angry person’ or over-react taking everything so personally. Since they do this so seamlessly, they always keep you in a place of insecurity and confused. They totally invalidate your ability to have any opinion as far as it concerns their words AND actions! You are always frozen in place to deflect the truth of what they are AND they will keep you there forever trying to only please them until you stop believing.

They will help you out in some manner but make you feel indebted for the little thing they have done AND they will keep reminding you of it! It invalidates the bigger picture of all that you have done for them.

They are psychotic blowhards, braggers, browbeaters, psycho-bullies, arrogant, big-headed, and one enormous lie.

Whatever they may do to help you out, they will make you feel beholden to them FOREVER. But they are never appreciative or even acknowledge any help you give.

They are extremely skilled at making and warping your reality with their words, actions and manipulations basically conditioning you to crave their constant approval.

They build you up then knock you down. They will make you feel loved and incredibly special, then they emotionally distance themselves from you to keep you unsure of the relationship and your reality.

They are a mishmash of behaviors and actions that they have harvested from different people they have met at different times in their life. All their ideas or ways of behaving in any given situation are stolen from others, people they know or perhaps think of as an authority. They morph into these qualities like an actor memorizing their role in a play or a movie.

They push your buttons like an elevator, with constant ‘ups and downs’ to keep you off-balance blameworthy OR the very opposite of this with positive compliments to lock you back up into the cycle of abuse.

They groom you with subtle to extreme manipulation with a combination of charm and rage (harm) to keep you controlled.

Their sense of omnipotence and self-importance (extreme neediness) means that they will manage down the conversations of others and back onto themselves.

They are PATHOLOGICAL liars, using all forms of lies to deceive. To quote a friend of mine, “If they are breathing, they are lying!”

They treat people as servants and expect them to do mundane things or always pay their way, since they feel so deserving and too important to do them. They manage people down to be more of a servant to them without a voice.

They constantly use “I”, “me,” and “my” when they talk because they are the most important thing in the world – it is ALWAYS about them.

You will very rarely if ever hear them talk about their innermost thoughts, life, memories, or dreams, because there are none that are real and personal to them – they will LIE and make up situations to create a false image of their extreme goodness and amazing life. They will pose in a picture with their biological children as if they are such a real participant in their world when they just happened to be in a situation where their spouse did ALL the work and the Narcissist poses for the photo opportunity only but did NOTHING real to support the spouse’s efforts in raising them.

They remain at a childlike level of maturity where there is never any growth – there is no operable maturity in their thinking.

It is always “me, myself, and I” and never ever “we” unless they need something, so they manipulate you once more to believe in the “we.”

They express fake empathy and use it as a tool that they con unsuspecting targets into their lair of darkness.

They only “give to get” by being nice or helpful expecting reciprocation. Always an agenda to get or take something as supply.

They present themselves as “having it all together or being on top of the world” never showing or divulging their many failures, weaknesses, AND darkness!

They shift to a defensive mode and/or rage very frequently when they feel threatened or are made accountable for their deceptive manner. This is a HUGE control mechanism to keep you in a subservient place or role in their lives!

They apologize, but it is ALWAYS shallow and never means there will be a real change in the bad behavior they were called on, it just means they are reeling you back to abuse you more for supply!

They deflect or run from their own problems rather than addressing them responsibly AND just blame someone else in the world.

They will demand your trust rather than earning it – and they will never be transparent enough for you to see any of their real qualities only the fake ones they create to shore up their ‘good’ image. They KNOW that they are not real enough to trust, so they always deflect to hide what they really are.

They see you as an extension of themselves, an object to use, you are never an individual and they will resist your every attempt at freedom from being a source of supply.

They re-write history, create incredulous and false stories, euphemisms, make up their own rules and laws but obey none. Their truth is false!

They always talk about themselves to stay in control – our role is that of an entity like a mirror where they can stroke their ego through the false image, they reflect onto us!

They find all of your weaknesses and exploit them to make you feel vulnerable.

They honor NO personal boundaries and rarely listen or respect your “No.”

They will easily take advantage of others to reach their own goals without giving their actions a second thought. There is absolutely NO empathy in their world.

They will take or steal whatever they want from you or anybody. What is yours is theirs (without asking!)

Their façade is to always appear to be tough-minded, unyielding, and unemotional to remain in control of others. But they will react to criticism with anger, blame-shifting, shaming, or humiliating others to maintain their façade.

They fail to recognize people as individuals and consequently demean, devalue, and dehumanize everybody that enters their lair of deceit.

They are extremely aggressive, hostile, verbally vicious, MEAN, and will punish anybody that wounds their delicate ego. They will divert to their defensive mode and will rip you apart with their rage and disgusting mouth. They think nothing of physically making fun of somebody to empower themselves and this makes them feel like they are in control.

They will vocalize regret for their actions, but it is for ‘show’ and only for a short period of time. They will soon rationalize it away with blame, shame, projection and basically dumping it all down our throat as being the problem and not them.

They are ALWAYS the sexiest, best looking and they will tell you how this person and that one checked them out and ‘wanted’ them. Their appearance is important, so primping in every mirror, and fastidiousness is common ground for them.

They talk in such inappropriate ways and believe that they are above reproach, and we want to hear their perverse words or listen to their descriptive dialogue about their out-of-control lifestyle.

They will rationalize everything to make sure they always come out on top by negating praise that is appropriated to someone else.

They will steal your idea, your quote, your plan, your wisdom and EVEN your life and make it their own. They will fake their credentials, re-write history, name drop, lie on their resume or about their credentials – anything to get what they want without earning it the correct way.

They can create destructive chaos in any organization or business environment and cause dissention among the people that work there. This includes volunteer situations, church organization or virtually any group setting that they join.

This is a PARTIAL list of how they successfully make their ‘crazy making’ an operative agenda in every situation. Their abuse is never confined to just relationships they abuse every person and or situation that they are a participant. Their abuse is all too familiar to their families, biological children, friendships, co-workers, and organizations they are involved in. Unfortunately, the closer you are to them the more apparent their abuse becomes. They charm their way into everybody’s lives and ALWAYS harm them. I coined the phrase from “charm to harm.” Allowing a Narcissist into your life is a train wreck waiting to happen. You must avoid them like the plague because their crazy making is psychological abuse that severely damages people, their careers, and their whole life. No/minimal contact is the only anecdote to their destruction and poison! You CAN’T allow them into any aspect of your life! Lock them out of your heart and mind! Greg

It is ALL you – so says the Narcissist! Biggest RED FLAG! YOU are told that YOU are the crazy one, YOU are the problem, YOU have issues, and YOU are the reason this relationship DOESN’T work! Nope – none of it is YOU – it is all them and when we get this, we also get our freedom and break the cycle of this abuse!

It is ALL you – so says the Narcissist! Biggest RED FLAG! YOU are told that YOU are the crazy one, YOU are the problem, YOU have issues, and YOU are the reason this relationship DOESN’T work! Nope – none of it is YOU – it is all them and when we get this, we also get our freedom and break the cycle of this abuse!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Let us try to understand the dynamics behind this. The Narcissist cannot realistically participate in what they do not know (the human condition/connection) and will never know, and it becomes a major obstacle for them. Remember the ‘charm’ or the love bombing was manipulation to get you to trust them, allow them into your life, and then they USED you as the NEXT source of supply and finally they disabled you, aimed to destroy your integrity, or the ‘harm’ that this cycle of abuse always ends with. It goes no deeper than this because they cannot resist any source of supply and have been betraying you constantly behind your back and then lying to your face. Then it is just a matter of time that the Narcissist will follow up with the perfect scenario to get to the discard because your emotions are like poison to them and THAT creates a frenzy in them to run to escape exposure because YOU HAVE CAUGHT ON TO THE TRUTH. So, they will manage you down completely to avoid your emotions until they have sucked the life out of you – that was the real agenda here and the rest was just damage control to protect themselves from being exposed! They will destroy the target/victim’s integrity as punishment for loving them. The target/ victim is deemed as crazy, mentally ill, obsessed, scorned and YES, their (the narcissist’s) abuser. This is their ‘smear campaign’ to get at us, disable us, silence us, and humiliate us into fear and then silence us. Remember you are dealing with a very paranoid creature that TOTALLY fears that exposure. They do not care about the harm and damage they did to you and your life – they just do not want to be caught and labeled as an abuser!

Again, what is all of this saying but YOU are normal, smart, good, capable of love, etc. But A Narcissist hates the things they do not understand, or cannot participate in, so they seek to destroy them and you because they are so foreign to them. While you were spending so much time trying to repress your emotions and fix this relationship to be the perfect person or partner to them, you were doing simply fine all along as a regular person and even probably pretty amazing. Your emotions are what make you human, and the Narcissist is not a fully functioning human and they got very tired of those human qualities because they are not in this to feed your needs, you are there to be completely unconditional to their every need and never expecting ANYTHING in return. Your goodness and amazing love needs nurtured and requires REAL love in return from this Narcissist and they can only imitate it for so long with their words and lies or until it makes them rage because you are asking for them to give of themselves in return. Remember this is a relationship that requires YOU giving your all and receiving NOTHING in return AND accepting their lies, manipulation, betrayal, and abuse. This is a con artist and thief you are dealing with.

So now the HOW and WHY they run right off and into another relationship within minutes of the discard and throwing hate bombs back at you! First off, they always have had new supply waiting in the wings because there is never a viable or complete relationship in the Narcissist’s world only people to objectify and serve them EXTERNALLY and probably quite a few of them. We are all objects and that is where it begins and ends. If the Narcissists has a new and amazing target/victim it is about a value assessment that they made concerning you and that means you are no longer viable and useful, or you have caught on to them because there is absolutely no love in the equation – BUT there was to you and that is what you are feeling and that hurts horribly. The new target/victim is now more valuable than you because he/she is more than likely providing them with better and unconditional adoration that they crave that is not bound to any emotions – remember a Narcissist only values external stimuli.

They are just starting up a new cycle of abuse and there are no problems yet. It just interprets to you not doing enough in the ‘you must adore me completely and satisfy my EVERY need’ department – AND you could have NEVER done enough. So, when the Narcissist dumps you for another target, they are writing you off as a less useful target/victim and source of supply – this again is their agenda to extort, use and abuse. They see you as less submissive, less controllable, and less vulnerable than their new replacement for you. When they dump you and rub the other partner in your face, they are not proving how happy they are or that they have found BETTER love, or YOU are not worthy of their love because you are defective and undeserving! They are only running for their lives and seriously trying to erode your self-esteem and integrity so that they can convince YOU that you are so much worse than their new conquest. They want to make sure that you are good and vulnerable, so they keep kicking you now that you are down to shock and silence you! People that really love in a normal way do not intentionally harm people in their past by rubbing what they presently have in their faces – especially as it concerns moving on to a new relationship.

The only time people need to prove their happiness to others is when they are in fact very unhappy. So, when Narcissist’s post those new pictures on a social networking site (or any pictures for that matter) for the world to see their AMAZING life, they are not happy. They are the same miserable pathetic creature, and they are only trying to convince their NEW audience of just another lie by manufacturing misleading stories to create that new façade and of course bury their past.

Everything the Narcissist values is born out of pathological self-centeredness (or their NEEDS) and the direct opposite of a normal and loving belief system or what you would value in life. So, when they punish you, they are saying you were just too amazing to keep up with. They could not completely destroy you and TAKE the things that you have ingrained in your heart, mind, and soul. They tried and they disabled/harmed you but everything good about you is still there! You really experienced their twisted, manipulative, and destructive envy of life and love OR their delusional world and THIS is what traumatized you! They tried to convince AND manipulate you to doubt your greatest assets and qualities. In time and when you can look back at the clearer picture you will begin to understand how this abuse was really an acknowledgment of your strengths that beat the Narcissist and the abuse! You have been deeply wounded by the pain this person inflicted upon you, and unfortunately it may take years to fully comprehend the extent of their abuse, but by far you are really an awesome person that was pursued by a predator that is dead inside but you overpowered their agenda and escaped with your life – YOU are just that strong and that resilient and you can and will recover from this abuse and your true spirit WILL come back to you! It all starts with No/Minimal contact! Greg

One of the most obvious signs of malignant Narcissism is the way they constantly and purposely malign and HARM others. We must internalize the truth about them to move forward with clarity by understanding this was always their agenda – KNOWLEDGE is our superpower!

One of the most obvious signs of malignant Narcissism is the way they constantly and purposely malign and HARM others. We must internalize the truth about them to move forward with clarity by understanding this was always their agenda – KNOWLEDGE is our superpower! They are always remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider that friendship, care, or love should never hurt a person nor take them down a road of destruction.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist’s self-regulating and controlling mechanics always involves pulling people into their lair and extracting or better yet harvesting information from them AND in turn using this information for whatever GAIN they desire or to use against them! Be it the CHARM or love bombing to harvest their main sources of supply, or people to prop up their hideous façade of saintliness. If that entails being, charming, exciting, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it – just technique!

Their abuse is not only confined to a single person, but instead it is a complex network that includes their primary and secondary supply sources as well as their supportive adoring friends, family members, all of which are basically seduced into their roles too! The Narcissist NEEDS this network to survive (ALL supply) as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them. They need a network of people to support their ‘needy needs’ so this is a full-time job for them to control the world around them. BUT the key element is that they are always on the defensive and everybody is essentially an enemy or someone to use for support because their world is full of lies and holes as it concerns the pretend reality they PRESENT to us! They are quite used to getting busted and we all have an expiration date with them – so there is ALWAYS the devaluation and smear campaign for them to prepare for and that is why they have been gathering information AND releasing it (backstabbing) well before they are gone — so they have been backstabbing us all throughout the relationship to set up their farewell and total attack on our life.

So, with that in mind the Narcissist is ALSO grooming others WITH a deceptive agenda – DIVIDE AND CONQUER. They feel such an intense high or euphoria when they play people against each other, ESPECIALLY when it becomes a competition for them to gain adulation/adoration. Narcissists will absolutely manufacture situations to make you jealous and question their connection with you, relationship, and even fidelity in a so-called love connection. They will even make you think that the people closest to you are talking behind your back. The Narcissist will present the allegations as a concern of course to minimalize the real agenda to put wedges in between you and the people closest to you. The reverse is also true because the Narcissist will go to the people closest to you and make them believe you have said things about them as well – AND only out of concern of course! This basically isolates you from the people closest to you and forces you to become dependent on the concerned Narcissist. Pure deception that destroys you as well as your integrity.

. Remember there is always a bigger picture AND rhyme to their reason – so they are doing this with everyone AND putting that wedge in between people with a bit of their backstabbing to compartmentalize people or divide and conquer. They triangulate with your family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, co-workers, neighbors, ex partners, and yes potential new supply (but they usually do that on the side, so we are none the wiser.) Whatever the situation they will triangulate so this even happens within the Narcissist’s own family structure and with their friends, etc. They are essentially triangulating everybody to stay in charge and control of their immediate world by playing one person against the next.

I often would wonder why destruction is also a component to this abuse. Just why doesn’t this Narcissist use their fake love to keep us entangled in their world to achieve everlasting supply. Well, the answer is quite simple – without emotions and empathy they are cut off at the knees because there is no human bond or love within them, so it is all about control which always has to have that destruction as a working component. Most importantly in understanding this is without the ability to bond with anyone they just get bored and need new and more exciting supply for affirmation like an addict needs their fix or substance to feed their addiction and believe me they are always searching for it. Normal people grow with their care and ability to love but not with a Narcissist. Just like a child with a new toy that they become bored with, they cast it off for another new toy. YES, we are just like a toy to them or an object and that is all – that is why they can act so hateful without flinching because they do not care and cannot care – but they can imitate those emotions like a pro when we are shiny and new to them, but then we see the truth behind the façade. We are only a TOOL for them as long as we provide continual supply for them or an OBSTACLE to destroy when we get in the way of their VAST number of needs or until something else comes along. No/minimal contact to get them completely out of your life. Greg

You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an old illusion you hang onto that things COULD be right again because he/she (the Narcissist) pulls you back every time they push you away. You try to make sense out of all of this but instead you CONSTANTLY feel lost, confused and walking on those eggshells.

You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an old illusion you hang onto that things COULD be right again because he/she (the Narcissist) pulls you back every time they push you away. You try to make sense out of all of this but instead you CONSTANTLY feel lost, confused and walking on those eggshells.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Within the cycle of abuse with a Narcissist AND having to deal with all of the chaos, accusations, the constant blame, shame and punishment the target/victim only TRIES to make sense of the Narcissist’s hurtful behaviors in an attempt to fix things by overcompensating. By constantly engaging with the Narcissist, it becomes too tangible or the victim’s new reality in a distorted and disabling manner. The Narcissist completely steers the direction by always reinforcing their technique with equal parts of love/charm and pain/harm creating a desperation that keeps the victim caught up in this overcompensating to get back to that cohesive and loving part of the relationship they once knew! Add to this the frequent belittlement in the manner a Narcissist will dismiss anything that is exciting or that inspires a target/victim. A Narcissist will crush any attempts from the target/victim to make sense of their agenda and keep the target CONSTANTLY confused and walking on those eggshells or off balance or basically always being in control of the victim disabling them emotionally AND psychologically. So, let’s call this what it is or emotional and psychological abuse!

Any dissention from a victim harms the Narcissist’s flow and need to feel superior or the omnipotent one in any relationship AND most importantly getting the constant admiration that they need OR the supply they are desperately after. The Narcissist has a pathological envy of everything real and normal in people because it discounts the Narcissist’s reality or better yet lack of reality and makes them aware of their shortcomings of WHO they THINK they are. This is expressed in varying degrees throughout the devaluation, discard, and horrific smear campaign where they will trample their target/victim’s integrity into the ground to support their superior facade. Anyone who has shared a life with a Narcissist recognizes the chronic dispensation of such double standards and the many manifestations across all areas of life where rules and laws are applied that the Narcissist NEVER abides by. It is especially evident with children who have been raised by a Narcissistic parent or with this desperate, confusing, and disabling love!

Because of this constant uncertainty is the consistent self-doubt and feeling of worthlessness that manifests itself in the target/victim’s heart and mind. The Narcissist is not only manipulating the mind but also tugging at the heartstrings of the target or victim to stay in control. If you do this, I will love you, but it you don’t follow my exact rules and laws I will punish you, terrorize you demean, dehumanize you, AND leave you – not a very tangible approach to any sort of viable relationship. Basically, it is a very dehumanizing form of conditioning and subjugation of a human being and WRONG at every level – THEREFORE it is labeled abuse and why THEY are labeled personality disordered.

This constant blend of abusive and charming behavior with the victim is quite common with a tyrannical Narcissist and basically describes the need to control their environment or that manipulative conditioning to keep the victim off guard and totally lost in confusion. For the target/victim it is a toxic osmosis from the devaluation effect of being in the presence of and angry and spiritually draining creature. So, the Narcissist is not in this dance just for positive supply, we are a dumping ground for their toxicity as well and that is what damages the soul and destroys a person’s complete belief system. The Narcissist uses that manipulative and confusing component of equal parts pain and compassion or love and desperation in a manner to make their targets/victims feel that there is that small glimmer of hope that is coming from the Narcissist’s unconditional and loving soul and THAT is what keeps the victim engaged. Unfortunately, that soul if it exists is neither loving nor unconditional. It is dark, empty and knows nothing about real love, truth or the reality of respecting life – but it does know how to extort whatever it can from a victim even if that means destroying them completely.

The most heartbreaking effect of these disorienting double standards is the utter confusion about what is considered right and wrong when sharing a world with a Narcissist. The double standards seem to trade places constantly throughout the relationship. The Narcissist creates standards, morals, and laws for everybody around them but they themselves do not respect or follow ANY of their own rules or standards and constantly change them to meet THEIR personal needs in any given situation. The result is the victim never has a real voice because of the ever-changing rules and standards and the victim is always the one at fault. A Narcissist will NEVER validate a positive reality or experience for another human being, but instead trap their targets/victims in a fun house maze of mirrors that never reflect an accurate image. The target/victim runs through that fun-house maze of mirrors seeing their reflection as different and ever changing or a static and inaccurate image that is ever-changing. Those who have lived through this know how this easily manipulates and implants itself into a deep-seated belief that one’s interpretation of reality, especially when reality is ambiguous or uncertain, is always the wrong one, the faulty one, the one fully invalidated by the mere existence of the Narcissist’s manipulative interpretation to control people!

Never, never just listen to the Narcissists words, but instead observe the behavior that they back up any of the words they use. Behavior is how we can completely assess the reality of what a person is truly offering us. Words are a Narcissists main tools to make their con job functional and rewarding to themselves! You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an illusion of everything being right (because he/she tells you so) and this is an extremely hard thing to accept. If it feels wrong, it is wrong.

What goes along with this is staying out of the Narcissist’s head! Do not try to figure out what they are up to or what’s going on in their lives, what’s in their mind, or second guess them. Getting into a Narcissist’s head means trying to figure out their motives, trying to make excuses for them, trying to rationalize their behavior, maybe even trying to manipulate them, and all this does is gets you sucked right back into the content of the chaos, crazymaking, and abuse again! They trained you well to always think about them, so that it deflects away from the truth that they are the problem, the sick one, and the abusive personality and you turn it around to see what YOU can do to fix this, fix THEM, or even accept the blame that this is ALL your fault.

When you catch yourself thinking about them and trying to gain some relevant information that will help you out in some way, just remember NOTHING is relevant about them except that they lie, cheat, manipulate, steal, use, betray, backstab, brainwash, triangulate, extort lives away from people, and psychologically rape people’s minds. Just do not try to figure out anything they do because the reason behind everything they do is ALWAYS self-serving and full of chaos, manipulation, and lies. What in any of that do you want or need to understand — they are just dangerous to human life! If there really was love you would be together in a manner that there would not be so many issues and always having to explain yourself and feeling so traumatized.

For those who are in doubt of their relationship, read, absorb, and process the truth about Narcissistic behaviors – in other words get a strong education so you can align with the truth of this personality disorder. Keep in mind that toxic people can be mothers, fathers, siblings, coworkers, clergy and religious leaders, politicians, co-workers, bosses, health professionals, romantic partners, or anybody in your world. These people, for whatever reason, feel no remorse or empathy, and display no conscience in their interactions with other human beings. They use, abuse, and discard their source targets for a variety of reasons, be it sex, money, status, or a sense of power but again they do what they do because they are self-serving OR they are after something that you have, and they will do whatever to get it and then destroy your integrity after they have gotten what they came for. They are what they are and will remain that way – only their tactics change and evolve as each new target is acquired. There is no reason to maintain any type of “relationship” with another human being whose only goal in their lifetime is to target and dismantle other human beings for their own selfish purposes – none. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

We are ONLY a TOOL or an OBSTACLE to a Narcissist – it is ALWAYS and ONLY about what they want and when you do not provide it you will see the true psychopathy of their rage and annihilation of your life and world – especially if you call them out for their deception.

We are ONLY a TOOL or an OBSTACLE to a Narcissist – it is ALWAYS and ONLY about what they want and when you do not provide it you will see the true psychopathy of their rage and annihilation of your life and world – especially if you call them out for their deception. A Narcissist intentionally smears the reputation of anybody that has any personal connection to them because we ALL have an expiration date with them based on a particular need or something, they want from us! Once they are done, they need to silence us by trying to destroy our reputation!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

So much truth in these words. NOBODY can understand how the Narcissist weaves little bits of truth from KNOWING us into horrendous and slanderous lies to use against a target/victim that has caught onto their delusional world. They have purposely accumulated so much information from our personal connection with them and they mean to distort that information and turn it against us WHEN THEY NEED TO. That is what can make their stories SEEM somewhat true to the listener because they personalize it with real information that was totally distorted! Remember they are shrewd manipulators and liars and have been acting out against their victims ALL their lives, so they are pros at this. Never put anything past them when you have seen through their façade – they will fiercely protect themselves and fight dirty. Otherwise, they will be outed as the abuser they really are, and they cannot ever allow that!

So then, what is the kiss of death to a predator like the Narcissist, EXPOSURE because it’s like a repellant that warns new and potential prey (supply) to mistrust and run away from the Narcissist! So, with this in mind a Narcissist lives in constant fear of people finding out that they are a wolf behind sheep’s clothing, or they ONLY use ALL people, they want to take away or extort everything that you have that they do not have, and they will vandalize your reputation/integrity and good image to improve their own – they malign all people – especially when you uncover their motives. They live in the constant fear of ANYBODY learning the shocking truth about their past exploits, or the many other people they have intentionally destroyed. They also live in constant fear of people discovering what they do in the shadows or their immoral and perverse world and the many ‘others’ they participate with regularly because they MUST maintain that moral façade.

So, what a Narcissist puts into motion is pathological — treating us like dirt and maligning us behind our backs to control and destroy us because in time we realize the truth so they MUST destroy us first to escape exposure of who and what they are. This is seriously WRONG and distorted beyond any words I can convey because they lure us into their world with false emotions so they can extort whatever it is they need from us – and then as if to add insult to the injury they are going to seriously try to silence us AND destroy us so they can move on to their next target. They are predators that are pre-loaded with delusion, psychopathy, and abuse. This seriously puts Narcissists in their own special class with Psychopaths or like a branch from the same Psychopath tree. The class of people who do not wish you or any other human being any sense of well-being, no matter what or how friendly, caring or loving you are. This is the same class of predators as physical, sexual or ANY other kind of abusive predator and Narcissists are just as dangerous. Seriously we MUST internalize that Narcissists really are predators and dangerous, but many people just do not appreciate the true meaning or the reality of Narcissistic abuse or see it as destructive as it is to people, families, organizations, or anybody that has any connection to a Narcissist. NO/minimal contact to get completely away from these abusers. Greg

If you have been in a relationship with a Narcissist – idealized and later devalued and discarded, you were more than likely shocked or even blown away at the turnaround or ‘about face’ concerning your Narcissists relationship with you.

If you have been in a relationship with a Narcissist – idealized and later devalued and discarded, you were more than likely shocked or even blown away at the turnaround or ‘about face’ concerning your Narcissists relationship with you.

From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist

One day you wake up and this Narcissist hates you and is acting out against you, smearing your good name, and destroying your integrity to everyone and ultimately trying to ruin your valuable relationships with friends, family as well as your co-workers and career. WITHOUT A DOUBT, this was inevitable with a Narcissist. You did nothing wrong to cause that change and the demise of the relationship you had with them. If you are not 100% on their page, if you are not completely accepting of them, if you do not show complete admiration, if you are not a perfect mirror to the narcissist, you are branded as bad and will be devalued as is the fate of every person that has had any sort of relationship with a Narcissist. It is simply the Narcissist’s way of viewing the world. KEEP IN MIND that you are not dealing with a fully functioning human being that has any empathy for life, or any semblance of morality, or the ability to tell the truth AND you must completely accept their disordered life of lies or you are discarded and destroyed. It is the Narcissist that is bad to the bone – and it is as if they ritualistically project their negative and abusive life onto every person that loves them – this includes family and even their biological children. We must come to terms that they are pathological liars, psychological terrorists and abusers that destroy lives.

Narcissists are everywhere in this world, and wherever they are there is chaos, crazy making, high drama, destroyed relationships, betrayal, lies, and destruction. The average/normal person is aware that something is wrong with the Narcissist, but they are confused and unable to recognize or define the situation as the mental health issue it is – or more specifically a personality disorder.

Narcissists are self-serving chameleons that “shape shift” into whatever they need or want to be to serve a specific agenda they have. They do not have genuinely ordered or consistent thoughts, concerns, or ANY moral codes. Morality is relative to their desires at any given moment and they act on all of them. In plain English they are extortionists and use people by manipulating them to get what they can. They have an uncanny ability to seduce to the point of ‘brainwashing’ others. They are also hypocrites in that they pass judgment on others as well as call them out for negative behaviors, when in fact the Narcissist is overtly guilty of these SAME BEHAVIORS and WORSE! All part of the HUGE mask the Narcissist wears to hide the monster behind it.

This chameleon nature is a façade or their “mask” that allows them to get by or pass as normal in public, but they are cruel, nasty dictators, terrorists, and abusers in their private lives. They often have incredibly dysfunctional and damaged family lives and it is not uncommon for them to have multiple relationships or ‘past’ partners (that they still use as “extra” supply on the side), or ex’s that they harass and stalk relentlessly. Most have a long pattern of cheating on their partners. They are toxic individuals pure and simple and THEY NEVER CHANGE.

The narcissist back stabs people continually throughout their disordered life. To them it is control and power over others. They will consistently demonstrate their power with back handed and insulting behavior toward others. They will utilize behaviors like talking people down or making them the brunt of a rude and demeaning joke, making fun of them, totally ignoring or silencing them, being late for important events, simply not attending or walking out of events, avoiding being a team player at all costs, refusing to consult or ask for help and just acting out ON THEIR OWN SELF ACCLAIMED AUTHORITY. There are absolutely NO RULES that they follow, so there is never accountability either – that gets displaced onto us through blame and shame because the Narcissist is the eternal victim of life.

There is no having a real relationship with a Narcissist, you may be in what you believe is a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you – you are Narcissistic supply. You are only in their life to make them look good or because you are useful to the narcissist as an object to satisfy a need. Nothing is ever internalized with a Narcissist like emotional bonds, caring, love or EMPATHY. Their world is totally external, and everyone is objectified like a shiny new car that the Narcissist drives/wears to make them look however special they feel they need to be. Their image is a fake aspect of their chameleon like nature – and it constantly changes just like the chameleon changes its colors to blend into an environment.

The narcissist constantly violates boundaries albeit physical, emotional, and mental. They follow no rules in life, or respect human dignity/rights, or adhere to any written laws. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or take/steal anything that belongs to others. Ownership is their birthright or so they feel because they are above the normal order of life. They will violate your standing with figures of authority to cause trouble/destruction or just to “one up” you. They are truly extortionists and they take everything and anything they can get their hands on. BUT remember this chameleon camouflages itself with CHARM – so they get away with virtual murder because they have been doing this all their lives and they are just that good at it. The people that know the truth about them are mostly their targets/victims – the rest become their minions at some useful level that they charm into believing just how special they are AND they protect the Narcissist’s lies and disordered life – they are the enablers of their abuse.

Every target/victim or mental health professional will say the best way to cope with a Narcissist is to get as far away from them as you can, and as fast as you can and firm it up with NO CONTACT.

The next AND especially important step is that you MUST come to the realization that your intuitions that ‘something is/was wrong’ is the reality or truth about your relationship with them. That will open the door to all the truth that they are disordered and not fully functioning human beings. Narcissists are excellent manipulators, and they will brain-wash or can convince you that IT IS YOU, and not them that has the problem, and everything is your fault AND you have abused them! Remember they are convincing other people that it is you as well – this is part of their escape from being exposed.

You must also educate yourself about this personality disorder or you will be pulled back into the abuse with their lies and manipulation. Block their narcissistic behaviors and completely ignore them and remove any narcissistic supply that they are getting from you. They hate to be ignored and will move on to someone else for new Narcissistic supply. They CAN and will blind sight you with crazy making and chaos and you will spend your entire life in a dance with the Narcissist until one day you wake up and you have lost sight of who you are and where your life has gone. Do not try to reason with them because they simply refuse to confront their own behaviors or acknowledge that they have ANY problem at all. Communication with them will only create a frenzy of crazy making that will create more negativity because they live this way. You cannot rationalize with a Narcissist because where there is no reality there is no truth. Lies are the tools they utilize which are always meant to harm others.

Lastly, you must Identify and build strong personal boundaries against the narcissist or they will continually violate you. These boundaries MUST include emotional, mental, and even physical boundaries, and the boundaries MUST be strong, enforceable, and completely leak-proof.

There are situations where you MUST deal with a Narcissist – especially if you have children together, or they are a family member. So, to cope with a Narcissist effectively you must be able to differentiate between reality and normalcy that is YOU AND YOUR REAL LIFE as compared to the constant drama, chaos and crazy making that orbits around the Narcissist constantly. You must consistently validate your own personal existence and morals, and hold on to yourself with a firm grip, never allowing the narcissist to drag you back into the abuse by violating and controlling your emotions, thoughts, or behaviors like they did. If you don’t, they will eat you alive and drag you back into the abuse with their vast array of manipulation, lies, betrayal, brainwashing and essentially psychological ABUSE!

In the end you will realize that there was absolutely nothing you gained from your relationship with a Narcissist except getting your freedom back to live a normal and healthy life again. Your empathy and emotions connected you to them at the hip – we call this “love” in a normal relationship, but unfortunately there was not even an ounce or shred of normalcy/reality in our association with them. It was a master of deception extorting every aspect of our life mentally and physically.

It will always reside in the back of your mind that somehow a monster got into your world and almost devoured you completely, as well as the fact that they still exist out there with their minions, flying monkeys or whatever we want to call the people around them that SUPPORT their abuse. None of them are worth the battle of lies and deception that will yield as the result of confronting any of them directly. They absorb the negativity that they create around them and it energizes them and then they feel powerful – they enjoy inflicting harm/destruction onto others. In my case KARMA is doing what it needs to do because the people that meant anything to me are still here and surround me with love and protection. The people that need chaos, lies, belittling, chaos, crazy making, etc., are there with the monster where they belong, and they mean nothing to me and never have. There is no beautiful life that surrounds a Narcissist, only lies, illusions, delusions, and chaos – all at the cost of the ‘others’ around the Narcissist. BE VERY THANKFUL that you are away from the abuse and learn about who you are again, because you are an amazing person that can and will survive this psychological terrorism or attack from this monster. Stay NO CONTACT at all costs and LOVE again. As a great person and amazing friend of mine says – After Narcissistic Abuse – there is light, life and love! Truly there is! GREG

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