Category Archives: Narcissism
It is time for the journey back home to YOU because after Narcissistic abuse – there is light, life, and love!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
With all of the extreme confusion that surrounded the departure of this abusive Narcissist from your life you were left with significant and distorted messages that put the heavy burden of the blame onto and into you and those messages are still living in your mind and heart! This is the same confusion that always surrounded every aspect of the relationship and has now has reemerged and turned into more denial of the real truth with the final discard. This denial has planted itself firmly in your life and keeps you in a constant state of limbo in your mind and your heart. It is really a chaotic conflict that keeps cycling back and forth inside of you. Consequently, instead of confronting the reality (or truth) you keep turning to every other avenue to reach a closure that ISN’T based on reality and you BASICALLY reject that you were abused by a predator and Narcissist. You don’t really see that it was abuse because you were conditioned to see it as something about YOU that caused everything disparaging in this relationship. When a person is physically abused with a blackened eye for example, that singular action undeniably DEFINES it as abuse to them personally, as well as anyone that sees the damage. With psychological abuse, there is no one singular action that leaves an outward bruise. Sometimes you are not even aware of all the actions and words that are harming and disabling you. The bruises are on the inside as well as the many scars that build up. It makes it extremely difficult to express the damage that lives in your heart, soul and mind because there are so many there in every level of your life. So where do you start to reconcile?
This is basically conditioning as in being ‘brainwashed’ by a very manipulative, destructive, and cunning person AND a pro at it! That Narcissist wanted you to BELIEVE that they REALLY loved you at first, but when they REALLY got to know you in such a personal/loving manner then all of a sudden they realized that YOU really had all of these horrible issues and that YOU were REALLY defective and maybe even had issues concerning YOUR mental health, AND abusing them. REALLY? They NEVER loved you – they were seducing you into their manipulative agenda to objectify you or use you as supply? They have been sending these ‘blame messages’ to you subtly from the very first day they met you and then stepped it up with the devaluation and discard because that expiration date was inevitable. The Narcissist has been out there securing MORE supply probably the same day they met you! So, look at the focus and where it was aimed – at your vulnerable loving heart and mind! Why doesn’t a Narcissist just take the goods and run when they are caught? Why do they have to play such harsh psychological games to harm people? Why do they have to destroy as much of you as they can? So, they can keep abusing new people and avoiding exposure by destroying the evidence or the last person they abused! If they are caught then their gig or game is up and that means no more supply – and they need it as much as the air they breathe!
Simply put this is just part of the agenda that enables them to MOVE ON by blaming you (devaluing) and then discarding you! This is them getting away with their abuse. This very astute con artist got everything they wanted with their big love scam and they needed to move on and find better supply because you just weren’t serving them and they got bored and went out looking for something better! There was never any real love and this is what we must understand! They were ALWAYS looking for more supply even when things were supposedly good. So again, when you reached your ‘expiration date’ they were off to a new target/victim and unscathed because they had an alibi (blaming everything on you) like every criminal does and dysfunctional people (minions) that believe them and support them! Their alibi enables them to avoid exposure by discrediting you completely! Job well done and the Narcissist is off and running and WHO is blamed for all of this – YOU! Here is a very important point – don’t try to make them accountable because they will start a war with you that will literally drive the point home that if you play with them because they will discredit you with words (LIES) that can damage you for a lifetime. This is their lifestyle, this is their disorder, this is always what they do, this is their pattern, this is abuse, and THIS IS A NARCISSIST! Right now, your freedom and ability to get clarity is important so you can get healthy and NOT dragged down into more of their darkness because THAT IS WHAT THEY WANT so that you will look obsessed. Engage with them or not, that Narcissist is STILL going to smear your good name and the people that believe these lies are not friends or people that care about you.
You have been disabled by their HUGE con job and not truly capable of accepting any part of the reality because of the constant brainwashing which now becomes your vulnerability in all of this! The TRUTH or reality of the situation that it was abuse becomes suppressed and surfaces as anxiety, depression, self-blaming, worthlessness, fear, and trauma – the VERY messages that were pounded into your head and now your heart. Rather than confronting this reality, targets/victims entirely go into a place of denial like they were conditioned to do by their abuser. It is not that you are just that stupid or that much of a fool that you totally allowed this relationship to put you here. You were CONTINUALLY managed down by seamless manipulation slowly but surely and day by day until all of these scenarios became a way of life for you – or your new normal. Little by little you accepted your role with this Narcissist but in reality, you were a product of emotional and psychological abuse. Now little by little you must purge these negative messages out and replace them with the truth and positive messages about yourself! Introspection will become your next step in recovery once you actualize the real truth of your situation. You will look for your personal weaknesses and create new boundaries and a healthier lifestyle. That is when you will put the emphasis TOTALLY into yourself to move forward without any singular thought of this Narcissist. That is why breaking the emotional connection and bond with them and allowing yourself the time and clarity to actualize the truth is so important or no/minimal contact to start this process.
You CAN be in control of this situation! BUT you will slow your progress to a screeching halt if you go to the trouble of fulfilling the no contact rule and then obsess about making contact, trying to fix things, work things out, or engage with ANY of their chaos. It totally defeats the purpose of no contact if you keep an ongoing dialogue and/or any connection with them. As they say you can’t see the forest for the trees – but now it is time that you do! That Narcissist is an abuser through and through and willwelcome you baack for more abuse if you allow them to do so.
Think about the reason why you may obsess about these monsters and make contact. It is because we want them to validate all of that emotional expenditure that we provided through loving them and NOW add the pain and having to grieve the abuse and finding some sort of closure! It won’t happen because this Narcissist would have NEVER put you in this position in the first place if he/she REALLY knew love or better yet REALLY loved you. REMEMBER they are ABUSERS and they aren’t going to turn around and fix this or you because their agenda was to control, disable and harm you. If you think they are going to suddenly realize your worth, when no other human being in this world has any worth to them beyond an object to use, then you need to do a reality check until you get to the point that you understand that they are destructive and dangerous to you and your life. Their departure is really a miracle that will start you out on your road to recovery and complete freedom from them so please make this foremost in your thoughts.
Seriously ask yourself if you could imagine your Narcissist saying this to you – ‘I’ve been emotionally unavailable, I’ve had NUMEROUS affairs, I intentionally manipulated you, gas-lighted you, tried to drive you to the point of insanity, ignored and silenced you, blamed you for everything, projected darkness onto and into you, constantly ignored your needs, used you, extorted and stole from you, and made your life a living hell, AND I WAS ABUSIVE.’ Then imagine them saying that they suddenly realize your worth and how valuable you are to them and they want to be together with you to fix ALL OF THIS. First why would you want a person that has taken you down so far to ever be any part of your life and secondly, they are NOT emotionally available for you or anyone and they are off and abusing their next target/victim! They are like criminals living out a life of crime. Don’t forget how they smeared you, your name and then tried to destroy your integrity to avoid exposure and the truth of what they are, and also ask yourself WHO would do something like this. How could you forget ANY of this in a manner to accept them back into your life – and then how many times have you accepted them back into your life to end up abused over and over again. You must move TOTALLY on and away from them being anything in your life. Forget them completely so you can start recovering because it is integral in surviving this abuse AND moving forward.
To truly move forward to recovery, you can’t make your abuser (the Narcissist) the focal point of your life AND your recovery. They are what they are and you have had personal experience which more than defines their character and agenda! You have to make YOU the focal point of YOUR life now. This time of grieving, healing, and regrouping with you is an opportunity to get real about the relationship that has just ended and you have to look at you and your personal relationship with yourself with open eyes and the reality that it was abuse that has brought you to this place of despair. So many times, I have heard targets, victims, and survivors say that they want to be able to get past it all, to move on, and they want it all to just be over with so they can live again. The wanting is only part of the battle, a very important part, but the rest of it takes longer and demands introspection, education, support and the need to accept that this Narcissist was AND always is a potential danger if you let them be any part of your thoughts OR life. There is no magical kiss from the prince/princess Narcissist that will awaken you from this this doom, because they are the one that gave you the apple that poisoned you in the first place! Your own care, love, and self-compassion will awaken you and return you back to a fulfilling and real life because you ARE an amazing person with the ability to beat this! No/minimal contact to start on this journey back to YOU! Greg
With a Narcissist, you are stuck between two worlds – the emotional one where you believed in their love and the debilitating one where you see the truth that it was a distorted love meant to harm you.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
A Narcissist loves to get into your head and gain control to satisfy their every need, then they enjoy devaluing you for letting them in and enjoy the process of the harm they inflict upon you. It is this power and control they love AND supply or objectifying people to satisfy their every need. The Narcissist is so deeply invested in his/her image and will do whatever it takes to protect themselves from exposure. Their actions are so extreme to maintain their false illusions they have created and it becomes a matter of self-preservation and the Narcissist will think nothing of destroying your self-esteem, self-worth, reputation and integrity to protect themselves. Their lies catch up with them eventually and we end up in the trash heap with every other target/victim that dared demand accountability. This IS THE FATE of every relationship with a Narcissist. They are very calculating and exacting at retaining their ability to survive as the predator they are so they can continue to find prey. It is a matter of survival, otherwise if their true distorted personality were apparent they would be like a fish out of water (a shark.)
Of course, it goes without saying that all of their distorted efforts or the many secrets, lies and deceptions that support their lifestyle make it impossible for a person to sustain any sort of an emotional bond or a REAL relationship with them. This is due to the fact that the many lies pile up to a point that they take on a life of their own that eventually becomes so apparent to the target/victim. In other words, the Narcissist is never that adept to cover up their reality because it is just too distorted for them to maintain any semblance of a relationship with anybody. They are SO out of control and careless that they can’t keep up with their own lies with any one person. They can fake it for as long as we BELIEVE them, but in time the truth lights the way and their honorable mask falls off and shatters from the many lies that weight it down! But again, they will use horrid manipulation to make you fear their retribution and keep you strung along in their abuse until they are DONE with you.
Narcissists do not have ANY capacity to have healthy interactions with ANYBODY because they dissociate with any internal empathy, emotions or a real persona. They simply are not wired with the internal mechanisms to have these skills! How do they manage to imitate the normal human condition so well? Through observation and studying people and mimicking our behaviors. Again, they are predators that must camouflage themselves to remain undetected so they can trap their prey. SO, what better way for a Narcissist to fit in by imitating OUR healthy lifestyle. Think of the criminal that will case out a bank finding weaknesses, the vault, and the escape route before they break in.
Narcissist are also very skilled in a manner to dissociate any real guilt or shame that they should feel about their betrayal, dehumanization as well as the harm they inflict on people. This dissociation is like a force field that protects the Narcissist from seeing their real identity and realizing how cruel their actions actually are – let’s just call it what it is denial. This dissociation also prevents them from experiencing any guilt. Dissociation is a difficult concept to grasp and basically clinical in nature. It means to block out a thought, action, or emotion. In the real world, we just say Narcissists DO NOT CARE and that is the basic reality with them. Watch them run off after they are exposed and start a whole new life again with new supply AND within days of ending their relationship with you. You will be blocked from their Facebook account, ostracized as being mentally insane, a liar, abusive to them, AND THEY HATE YOU. Just another HUGE wall they create to HIDE how they abused another person so they can keep abusing more targets to get the supply they desperately need in life. Perhaps we should call them out as the predators that they really are!
OK so the nitty gritty to help you understand how a human being can be like this! Narcissists don’t live in the real world OR a real world. They live in their own world made up of fantasy, lies, delusions, deceit, and perversion. They have their own reality that everyone that has any part of their life must accept or they will be deemed crazy, punished, and even destroyed. They live in a world where they make up all the rules and then break all the rules. In this world, everyone must think just like them or better yet approve everything that the Narcissist does without question or prejudice. If you are a part of their life you can never reflect anything that would reveal their true identity or ask them for accountability about anything or they will turn it back onto you with blame and shame. I guess this could define a dicatator!
All of the Narcissist’s sins must be forgiven and accepted but YOU must be perfect and basically their servant and caretaker. Acceptance and adoration must be given to the Narcissist CONSTANTLY, but absolutely none is given to you in return. In their world ABUSE is how they show love and you must accept the abuse because that is all you are worthy of. You must support their deluded actions without blinking an eye, but if you breathe wrong you will be severely punished.
Living in their world will always involve gas-lighting, betrayal, pathological lying, isolation, triangulation, and extreme manipulation so they can keep their false identity in place. You constantly have to tiptoe around the Narcissist’s fragile ego to keep them happy so that their true identity and nature doesn’t rear its ugly and destructive face. Living in their world is like walking through a field of hidden bombs and you never know when they will explode but when they do the Narcissist is always there in the shadows detonating them!
It is in reality a distorted land of make believe and everything is fine as far as the Narcissist is concerned because it totally serves them. BUT it is a land of horrible secrets and painful lies. THE ONLY truth is a relative truth based on what YOU may believe the relationship really is. YOUR relationship IS ONLY held together through fear, guilt and obligation – that and being a source of supply to this Narcissist until they find a replacement.
The Narcissist sabotages everything and everyone because NOBODY can be better or do better than the NARCISSIT! It is a place where your dreams will die quickly and your self-esteem and self-worth die along with them. It is a place where love does not exist at all and hurt and pain prevail for the victim!
Suddenly after so much time together with this Narcissist your world is no longer the one you believed in. You question everyday reality, but most of all you question yourself. You wonder how you could have been so naive, foolish, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing, etc., etc. You were betrayed and duped in a hideous fashion by the great manipulator! It was just your turn to replace old supply and shore up the Narcissists lies. You essentially became their safe haven after their last target/victim and just new supply. Don’t blame yourself for their abuse because NOBODY deserves this type of abuse for ANY reason.
YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns reality in a very normal manner! The Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through extreme deception to make you BELIEVE they are like you in every way BUT they are the direct opposite and purely toxic. With all of their overt manipulation they make you believe they are so full of charm and love AND there is no reason NOT to reciprocate back with your love, devotion and TRUST. You see no other reason than to believe him/her because if the Narcissist acts like you (the NORMAL person), reciprocates by saying that he/she likes or loves you, then there is no reason not to believe him/her because in your past people that acted in this manner and spoke these exact same words could be trusted. You only believed there was congruency or reality in the initial connection and you did what other normal people did and went with it because the Narcissist LIED so well and hid their secret perverted world from you! But not now because time has changed so many things and all you see is desperation and pain.
Suddenly you learn that someone (the Narcissist) you trusted implicitly, be it a spouse, lover, family member, close friend, etc., has been putting you down, backstabbing you, lying, manipulating others against you, betraying you, and yet STILL maintaining a FALSE stance of intimacy, friendship or LOVE with you. It is just impossible to understand because it is a horrendous betrayal, so your world becomes so unclear and now you have so much conflict and animosity about this.
Unfortunately, you are stuck between two worlds – one where you believed in their love and one where you see truth that it was distorted love meant to harm you! A Narcissist loves to get into your head and gain control to satisfy their every need, then they enjoy devaluing you for letting them in and enjoy the process of the harm they inflict upon you. It is this power and control they love.
There are so many areas of our lives that are impacted by the abuse that are so far reaching that it disables the deepest level of your core beliefs and literally changes your identity! It is just never one area that is affected by this abuse, it is our emotional, spiritual, mental, and even our physical world that is seemingly altered forever! Each area requires its own recovery process and the reason why recovering takes a very long time.
Life circumstances will naturally draw you back into the trauma. Something will trigger a horrendous memory and we relive those moments where we were horribly betrayed and taunted by this Narcissistic terrorist who conned us into believing they loved us to extort our life through their cruel and distorted love. There will be those triggers all around us that reignite the trauma from the abuse and we will either run from these situations or put up huge walls to avoid personal contact to avoid being hurt again! It may affect your future relationships and you only question what YOU did wrong and reinforce what the Narcissist told you and that is you were damaged and will always be alone. It is a fear of the hold they still have on you AND our future because of the heinous psychological rape they inflicted on our minds. They are like a ghost that constantly haunts us and reminds us that evil exists out there and almost destroyed us. There is no real closure other than accepting the reality that they are abusers and you were abused by a personality disordered person.
You will more than likely hear that this Narcissist is with someone new and right back to their old tricks and getting away with their abusive crimes again. You may also hear that the Narcissist is succeeding somehow and even believe that this Narcissist is doing so much better than you! No this is the travesty of this abuse and how it has stolen your reasoning and belief system and replaced it with the darkness of a Narcissist. This is not reality – it is the abuse foreshadowing your attempts to think normally and break free. Years of being managed down and abuse has made you vulnerable to returning to a good and normal life that you REALLY deserve and one that is not meant to harm you. A Narcissist is never in a BETTER place, happy, in love, or any of the above – they are abusers and lifeless so they have only found someone new to USE, extort, and objectify – THAT is how they survive or like a tick that needs to feed off of another living organism to survive!
Recovery requires a complete indulgence and openness to look inward. It is a process that requires education, introspection, spirituality, voicing your fears, connecting with other targets/survivors, and a therapist if possible. You MUST totally acknowledge the truth about this person you loved and that is that they are an abuser, psychological terrorist, and psychological rapist. The process begins when you say no to the negative messages left behind and open your ears and eyes to a new life that seeks out true goodness because it is still there where it always was. Finally, you must put the Narcissist away forever because there is absolutely nothing that you need to connect with as far as it concerns them. That means any memories or any other thought about them! The wounds will turn into scars and you will come out of this with new boundaries, a new voice and your old belief system back in place but so much stronger. DON’T allow them to have a hold on your complete future! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
You were constantly in this circle of chaos and always wondering – did I, could I, should I, if I and it is ALL YOUR fault, YOU have issues, YOU are the source of every problem – it is always YOU that is to BLAME. A relationship and love does not involve bargaining parts of your life away to meet anybody’s needs!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
More than often target/victims turn the blame back onto themselves as they were conditioned to do all throughout the relationship and accept things that they normally wouldn’t. After all it was OUR fault as we were made to believe or better yet conditioned or manipulated into believing! We all got to this place of despair because we accepted the Narcissist’s projection of blame and began questioning ourselves AND it was our emotional bond that led us there because we BELIEVED in this person. What did WE do wrong, to drive them away? What was it about us that was so wrong or lacking that made the Narcissist become so negative or unhappy in the relationship? Were we not good enough, smart enough, virtuous enough like the Narcissist claimed, hardworking enough, beautiful or handsome enough, sexy, worthy, submissive enough, didn’t we give enough, love them enough, did we REALLY have issues like this Narcissist said.
You were constantly in this circle of chaos and always wondering – did I, could I, should I, if I? BUT, it was always the same coefficient with a Narcissist constantly manipulating you and managing you down to believe that you were not worthy or even normal. it always became YOUR issues and never being able to hold this creature accountable for what was only psychological and emotional abuse. We never knew that we were just ANOTHER object for this Narcissist to use and discard. We only believed the lies and fell into this abuse so we lived with the distorted thoughts until we purge them out of us OR until we actualize the truth and get help to move away from all of the negative messages that modified our behaviors in such a destructive manner. THERE IS NEVER any closure with this Narcissist because it was all an agenda that ends with destruction and they are not going to take responsibility for their abuse and be exposed for who and what they are.
Cognitive dissonance is a clinical definition that explains this disabling ‘duality thought process’ of being a target/victim of a personality disordered Narcissist’s manipulation that doesn’t occur in healthy relationships. When there are two healthy individuals in a relationship there are good and bad parts as it concerns two separate personalities meeting, getting to know each other, and merging. But by far one or the other person doesn’t have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality or a mask of sanity that hides a malicious, abusive and destructive person. In a healthy relationship, there is a certain level of transparency, so basically, what you see is what you get and it is pretty consistent, flaws and all. ALSO, healthy relationships aren’t based on emotional/psychological abuse, control, domination and an insurmountable mountain of deliberate lies and manipulation. Furthermore, healthy relationships don’t end abruptly, as if they never even happened because normal people can’t detach so quickly from deeper relationships and JUMP right into another one UNLESS it was completely built on deception and basically one partner is a Narcissist AND extortionist of life! Cognitive dissonance happens in those cases where there is a horrendous contradiction between a reality (that fake love created by the Narcissist you believed in) and an increasingly implausible fantasy (the truth that they ARE personality disordered and abusive) which when fully revealed, would be too painful to accept, so much so that you would rather cling to parts of the fantasy than confront that sad reality and move.
When a target/victim experiences cognitive dissonance, our rational ability to actualize ‘this reality’ or basically accept the knowledge about the psychopathy as far as it concerns the Narcissist’s abuse doesn’t fully sink in at the powerful EMOTIONAL LEVEL. Plus, we never had ‘real time’ experience or knowledge about this personality disorder to help us understand what was happening to us to run away with our life! Consequently, we continually move back and forth between that old idealized fantasy (fake love) that was pounded into our mind and heart and the pathetic reality of the NEW truth about this disordered individual that terrorized our world and try to rationalize it. This is such a confusing process as well as an emotionally draining one too. Just remember that initially, when you were in the idealization phase and LOVED so ideally the fantasy was that this Narcissist could love you and that he/she seriously committed to loving you. Then, once you were devalued and/or discarded, the fantasy still remains because the Narcissist conditioned you to keep believing that he/she is capable of LOVE and loving others, BUT just not YOU so you look inward to see what is wrong with YOU. You feel that you weren’t right for him/her, but NOW someone else can be SO RIGHT for them and it only reinforces the distorted messages. Narcissists don’t know love or feel love with ANYBODY they are only looking for supply. There will be MANY more and newer ‘others’ in this Narcissist’s future but ALL of them are just new objects to use and throw away! Everyone has an expiration date!
This is the fantasy (manipulation) that the Narcissist tries to convince every target/victim of once they enter the devaluation phase and that it is the problem is never with the them (the Narcissist.) Narcissists do truly believe this because they never see anything wrong with themselves or their behavior, so if they are no longer vested in or excited by a person, the Narcissist concludes it must be your fault because YOU were deficient or defiant and didn’t serve them in every way they deserved to be treated – omnipotence. That is where the incredulous stories and lies come from as it concerns the Narcissist pinning this all on you (smear campaign!) Then WHO has ever tested the Narcissist by trying to completely expose them, and were they successful. What law protects a target/victim and makes the Narcissist’s accountable with criminal charges! The Narcissist is a clever thief and usually has minions that claim his/her innocence and turns it back onto us! Karma and time will get them for sure because their lies do catch up with them!
So, what is related to this cognitive dissonance and is powerful? The Narcissist still has a form of power and hold over you and the Narcissist’s distorted standards still have a place in your head AND heart that tugs at you and into the WRONG direction. Call it ambient abuse! Even though you may reject the Narcissist on some level, on another level the Narcissist’s opinion still somehow matters to you (those old messages still playing in your head!) Narcissists are frauds, their actions, words and opinions are distorted and delusional with a personal and self-serving agenda attached to them! The Narcissist’s connections to others, especially the ones the Narcissist CLAIMS to be “the love of their life,” are only empty, controlling, abusive, and fake bonds too. But if you stay emotionally attached or you still care about what the Narcissists thinks or feels, then you are giving a highly disordered person too much power over you or completely handing all of your power to them.
Completely cut those imaginary ties and cut the cord that still connects you to a pathological Narcissist, as well as his/her disordered supporters and their abnormal and distorted frame of reference AND games. Nothing good will ever come out of allowing a Narcissist and his/her pathological defenders or minions having a place in your life, heart, or mind. The connection between the Narcissist’s and their followers/supply is a disordered perspective that messes with your healthy life AND creates the intense inner tension or cognitive dissonance. To eliminate this means to also free yourself body, soul, heart and mind from this Narcissist, their followers and their opinions, standards AND games. What they do, say, think or believe and the silly mind games they choose to play simply does not matter OR belong in your world. What they post on social sites is just another mask they use that hides the truth and them begging for attention!
Totally disengage from anything and everything that concerns the Narcissist. I did a long time ago and I am very clear about my situation and the real truth. I do not connect to THIS NARCISSIST at any level, I pull myself away from ANY and EVERY situation or connection that might exist. Everything this Narcissists does or projects is just more and more layers of ridiculous lies to protect themselves from exposure and the real truth of what they are. I absorbed all of that information a long time ago and saturated my mind with the truth that this person is dead inside and personality disordered! These are words I never believed I would use in my lifetime to describe anybody BUT that is only the truth as it concerns this person so I can say them now! I can also say I am repulsed by this person and their lifestyle. It is all so clear now and that is what moved me forward to live and love again! This was the FIRST step to my recovery but a very important one for clarity!
What does any connection with a Narcissist yield? Just blame, shame, sadness, frustration, a sense of defeat, doubt, constant and conflicting thoughts, many lies, mistrust, feelings of worthlessness, distorted emotions, betrayal, destruction, and ABUSE. PLEASE internalize that despite how intense the emotional upheaval might be, it is so worth getting your freedom back to live life as you should – otherwise what other option really exists? Remember this if you remember anything, you are not weak, stupid, you are vulnerable and struggling to find answers so it is particularly distressing when your normal reality has been intentionally corrupted by what you believed was just a caring and loving human being that turned into this MONSTER! Please remember that your emotions bond you to this creature and that is what you have to actualize and RELEASE FROM by accepting the truth about them as far as the fake love they offered that you believed in – it wasn’t real it was a trap. This is where you must start by rationalizing the truth and rejecting everything about this Narcissist. A relationship and love does not involve bargaining parts of your life away to meet anybody’s needs! No/minimal contact PLEASE! Greg
That Narcissist moved on so QUICKLY that there MUST be something wrong with us or we did something wrong because they kept warning us that WE were the source of all of the problems! So they (the Narcissist) told us – but like everything else if was just more abuse and more lies to manage us down to worthlessness.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
One of the most important issues when trying to recover from Narcissistic abuse is the tendency to hyper focus, obsess, and actualize the many negative messages from the abuser in our life. We also tend to believe that while we are left holding all the dark and delusional energy from the relationship, our abuser escaped without any repercussions and with all the goods. We imagine the Narcissist to be off walking in the sunset with his/her new love while we are sitting at home alone and suffering through depression, anger, horrific emotional pain, financial loss, trauma, and psychological issues that they imposed on us. Remember they are still a Narcissist and I would rather recover from this abuse than be one of THEM! They don’t internalize love or bond with ANY other human being except to objectify them until they become bored with them and move on to the next! That is akin to being like one of ‘The Walking Dead’ on the many televisions shows that depict ZOMBIE themes.
If we really take the time to think about it, it is highly unlikely that our abuser is really having the happy life that they SAY they do. The clinical aspect of this abuse AND why the Narcissist acts out in the manner he/she does stems from a deep sense of inadequacy and low self-worth. The Narcissist is forced to get his/her feelings of well-being from external things or people outside himself/herself. A Narcissist may experience the false illusion of ‘happiness’ with another person but in reality, it is only temporary because they HAVE to constantly seek this attention and adulation out to survive – much like they once did with us – but AGAIN this is “temporary.” Consider it being like a 3-year-old that wants a new toy and they will throw a tantrum until they get it. They have a huge roomful of toys that are perfectly fine BUT THEY HAVE TO HAVE MORE AND MORE and none of them really bring them any real happiness, and they all get tossed aside and into the pile of old toys and that 3-year-old is already wanting another toy, and another toy, and you get it – ANOTHER TOY!
If the Narcissist builds his/her self-image or good feelings about themselves solely based on what they can get from ‘others’ it is only a matter of time before the “love spell” is broken AGAIN just like it was with us and every other target they conned into their world. Remember there are no internal mechanisms so everything is based on external reinforcement (supply and objectification) and the images or adulation from YOU AND I that the Narcissist uses to define themselves. You need the mix of the healthy internal mechanisms of love, bonding, empathy, compassion, as well as the harmony/co-existence WITH the external world to live in reality and the healthy mechanisms to grow with another person. The Narcissist is missing these very components!
Sooner or later his/her new love (supply) will have issues or complaints about the relationship because a Narcissist can’t survive with JUST ONE SOURCE OF SUPPLY. Also, a Narcissist does not allow individuality and face it this always becomes an issue because we were born to co-exist with people and not only serve another person’s needs or be a source of supply. Once the new love starts needing some sort of reciprocation in the relationship or for the Narcissist to validate their existence AND support their fake goals/plans, the relationship is in trouble and the devaluation will begin. A Narcissist can’t and won’t allow the slightest deviation from their projected image of perfection so EVERYONE will be devalued and discarded just because we have our own mind and personality. There is never growth that allows another person individuality or to be a part of a real relationship because WE ARE ONLY OBJECTS.
So, with all of that in mind, there is never a ‘new healthy relationship’ with a Narcissist so don’t obsess about this and remember that things are not always as they appear especially with this Narcissist that has lied to you every moment that they were breathing. We are not the exception to the rule that drove this person (the Narcissist) to abuse us NOR did they suddenly change overnight and become healthy with a ‘new love’. Think about the unconditional love and support that you gave to this person (the Narcissist) and who would reject/destroy this love but a highly disordered person. This was all a huge con job starting from the very first day we met them because we were a new shiny toy for them to play with BUT we believed it was love.
What you see or imagine about this ‘new relationship’ is likely a fantasy that you have created in your own mind that the Narcissist has reinforced with more lies and illusions to keep you under their control and to keep you feeling vulnerable, hurt, and STILL dependent on them until they disable you enough that they can run off like the coward they really are. It heightens their image of themselves to manipulate you even more after the fact (discard) so they can prove to you and the world that they are just that amazing and you (we) are obsessed, scorned or can’t move on without them. Guess what – we can and I have and this place I am at is wonderful and how it is meant to be BECAUSE IT IS REAL.
Changing this fantasy means taking back the power and controlling your thoughts to change what you tell yourself because you now know the truth, right? When we live our lives in dysfunction there is always black and white thinking. We are either all good or all bad and guess who is controlling all of this – YUP the Narcissist. There are no shades of gray where a Narcissist is involved and we somehow lose the ability to believe in ourselves as we once did. In time, you will be seeing every color of the rainbow in your head like you once did.
When the Narcissist projects all of these images that we are to blame, it is our problem, and always our fault, we somehow assume the blame and the shame in all of this as if we ARE the bad one and they in turn are the good one. Just ask yourself what you have really done and I bet you will not even know beyond what the Narcissist has manipulated you into believing. Again, that is just our emotions that are invested in what we believed was love and not anything near the truth! We try to fix each and every one of their delusional attacks on our integrity as if we did something/anything to deserve this – just an outcome of their daily managing down and brain-washing. This destroys our self-worth and we feel so much worse because we have somehow lost everything that we believed was good about ourselves – but WHO told us this? We are under the wrong illusion to believe this was OUR FAULT – we were manipulated in a manner to make us feel that we WERE bad, wrong, crazy or anything else the Narcissist managed us down with and that defines the devaluation phase.
You felt worthy and loveable once. So, what happened? We gave the Narcissist the power to validate us because we became emotionally attached thinking we would grow as two normal people do in a relationship. When we give someone else the power to validate our worthiness, we also give them the power to invalidate us. Now you MUST empower yourself with the truth that you were manipulated, brainwashed, lied to, dehumanized, betrayed, and so many other things by a sadistic and not fully functioning human being. You also must realize that you also have the power to bring yourself out of this and become that amazing person you ALWAYS were. Let the truth guide your way and discard all of those negative messages from your Narcissist because they were all lies just like everything else! The person that did this to you was a personality disordered person that abused you – this was abuse – this was NOT your fault – again, THIS WAS ABUSE and situational! No/minimal contact always! Greg
The Narcissist manipulates in such a manner that causes false interpretations within all of our cognitive or thinking processes or basically it COMPLETELY keeps us in a confused state of mind. It distorts reality which in turn disables our NORMAL – even when they manipulate us into believing they love us because they are USING that distortion to prime us for the real abuse. When we are manipulated in this manner it affects and disables/corrupts all of those important skills that we use on a daily basis so this relationship was doomed from the moment you met this Narcissist.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
The Narcissist has used their effective manipulative and cognitive (thinking) skills by putting you on the defensive and using/distorting your personal conversations, interactions, and thoughts against you to manage you down (devaluation phase). They also triangulate with people that you love in your life with the personal information they have gained by knowing you and using it against you! They are so adept at utilizing everything they can just from knowing us. Interactions between two people, as it concerns support in any relationship isn’t a court of law where one person is the judge, jury and prison guard AND town gossip like a Narcissist is because that is the role they demand in ALL relationships. A successful relationship requires healthy communication skills and even healthy disagreements. Healthy communication skills require sane and healthy cognitive thinking from both parties. There is nothing healthy or sane about a disordered and abusive Narcissist SO there is NEVER healthy communication because Narcissists use words to manipulate people into whatever situation they want or need to accomplish their agenda.
In any type of relationship when communication and thoughts are not nurtured in a process to validate another person, all areas of the relationship are affected and it is more apt to be described as ‘control.’ Communication is the open door that allows two people to exchange cognitive and personal thoughts, to enable growth. We are independent beings and individuals that have purpose and we exchange our thoughts normally by accepting our relative differences and within that thought process two people grow together through compromise. Unfortunately, a Narcissist does NOT allow individualism because they are dictators that operate through controlling people around them. The Narcissist manipulates in such a way to cause false interpretations of all of our cognitive processes to distort reality and that make us always fail and THAT disables our NORMAL – EVEN when they manipulate us into believing they love us because they are USING that distortion to prime us for the real abuse. When we are manipulated in this manner it affects and disables/corrupts all of those important skills that we use on a daily basis so this relationship was doomed from the very moment you met this Narcissist. After a while it is like we lose our motivation to be effective with simple matters in our personal life even blocking our ability to concentrate and learn because we were manipulated in a manner to constantly question ourselves from someone we BELIEVED we could trust and more than likely someone we loved. This is betrayal in the most extreme manner and describes just how disordered a Narcissist is to use our love to create and administer their hate and destruction – AND WHY – to objectify us to fulfill their many needs? Our mind is linked to so many internal processes, and when it is psychologically wounded, other areas will also be affected just like a disease that will spread unless treated, even causing us physiological or physical damage to our health. It can take its toll and also cause long term problems linked to trauma.
It is strikingly similar to being a prisoner of war to an extreme emotional terrorist with the brainwashing, gas-lighting, the constant manipulation of facts and the truth, punishment, and emotional/psychological destruction. Some of those areas that become affected are cognitive functionality like our attention span, our day to day memory, how we process things in our daily life, our long/short term memory, how we see and hear things, AND our logic and reasoning abilities. AGAIN, this is basically brainwashing in an effort to slowly but methodically break us down and render us useless and worthless as an independent thinking and speaking person or CONTROL. Narcissist do not allow individuality because they are cruel dictators that must completely captivate and control their target audience. This is what describes the abuse, and this is what is damaging to the target/victim’s well-being as far as it concerns the psychological abuse that is imposed on you/us. The most striking aspect of this is that it is dealt to us in a slow and insidious manner like being around a slowly leaking and poisonous gas that has no apparent smell so we don’t know the danger we are in because we take it in slowly and when we finally realize the damage is already done and the effects can be long term.
Narcissists are dishonest or better yet pathological ‘career liars,’ they give mixed signals, and always running hot and cold. They triangulate everybody by playing people against one another to maintain control AND they avoid real commitment because it doesn’t exist in a world where there is no give and all take – they are life’s extortionists. There is never one real working relationship with anybody that DOESN’T include this abhorrent manipulation. We are all a means to an end with a Narcissist and that is extracting their supply and destroying people! What was so familiar and even mimicked love so realistically was just a lie with an agenda to extort what they could – this is what they do.
It is amazing how much abuse and suffering targets/victims tolerate. Even when it is obvious to the people around us like friends and family, the victim may continue to defend and protect the Narcissist which only compounds the problem. This is the power of their (Narcissist’s) mind control and manipulation to get at want they want. Narcissists are expert manipulators and use a combination of fear and guilt to control their sources of Narcissistic supply. The effects of these techniques persist even after the Narcissist has left the relationship. In fact, the influence of their mind control can last for years. A Narcissist will frequently contact a previous target/victim and the target/victim will sometimes start up the relationship again, thinking that this time will be different, because the Narcissist has promised this but they will only step up the game to trick you and drag you right back into the abuse!
If and when the Narcissist returns it is only because they are just looking for a quick and easy ‘fix’ of Narcissistic supply because they know they already have you locked into their abusive mind games because you are there and re-connecting with them AGAIN. THEY will disappear just as easily as they came back. Remember they thrive on OR better yet are addicted to getting supply. ALWAYS remember we can’t be or act civilized with a Narcissist by remaining on friendly terms. Never forget that Narcissists always have a needy and destructive agenda.
One last thing and please internalize this! Despite the relentless abuse, rage episodes, mind games, projection, gas lighting and demoralization, SOMEHOW, we believe we are still in love with these Narcissists on some level and possibly feel we will always love them. These messages continuously play behind all of our attempts to reach closure and YES through our recovery. This attitude or thought process is evidence of how the emotionally abusive Narcissist brainwashes or programs their targets/victims to keep believing in them and they will keep it up for as long as you allow it. This is part of recovery and we must live it and desensitize those messages AND abandon that Narcissist because there was NOTHING real about this person and they meant us harm! That huge con, love bombing, or whatever we call this horrendous manipulation they tricked us into believing was what they used to betray us and take advantage of our love and life and we MUST see that it was situational and intentional abuse. It can be akin to an addiction, and our addiction is to the drug of our choice and that is this Narcissist that conditioned us to be dependent on their emotional manipulation by using love as the bait to gain our trust and BELIEVE in them. A drug alters our mind when we ingest it, and the brainwashing, programming, and conditioning from a Narcissist ALSO alters our mind when we ingest and internalize their messages. Almost like an addict that will continually justify their returning to the drug of choice EVEN though it is damaging their mind and life and is basically destroying them – it is the addiction message that keeps the addict going back. That message is also similar in us and what causes us to relapse or again BELIEVING in them through those mixed up and distorted emotions. The message has altered our mind to believe in the Narcissist against all of the odds and the truth that they ARE bad for us. In time with education and support you will deprogram this message and be desensitized to it. But you have to always be cognizant of the fact that the message is in our subconscious and destroy it so it doesn’t start replaying itself or we will fall backwards into the abuse pattern again over and over again.
REMEMBER the Narcissist’s agenda! They always want something and that is Narcissistic Supply and THAT is all we are to them, be it help, support, money, sex, etc. They prepare the groundwork with their manipulation to acquire whatever those needs are. Also, remember if they feel threatened by exposure they will want to neutralize the situation with their manipulative CHARM or throwing you a little bone to get you to believe in them ONCE AGAIN. They don’t want to be exposed as the abuser they are so they will keep you feeling near and dear to them until that ‘new supply’ is secured and they have destroyed your integrity to a point that YOU seem like the abuser AND crazy one – or the HARM part. YOU deserve so much more so step outside of this and see it for what it really is and discard that Narcissist and every thought about them out the door and into the garbage. There is a real life and a real world out there and one you knew before – come back to it with the truth, knowledge, support, and a strong education about this abuse. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
Narcissists have effectively learned how to bounce between attacking and retreating to keep their victims off balance by undermining and lowering their self- esteem OR devaluing and managing people down. The target/victim puts their all into TRYING to fix these wrongs in favor of reconciliation or returning the relationship back to the amazing love that they were conned into believing was real. It is a hideous to use love to con good people into a trusting union and then extort that trust for gain!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
The Narcissist is a predator after prey. Targets/victims too often miss the signs of emotional/psychological abuse, even though they are always there because they are heavily charmed into believing this person is good and safe and the abuse message is hidden within. Narcissists have effectively learned how to bounce between attacking and retreating, keeping their victims off balance by undermining and lowering their self- esteem. Targets/victims become desensitized to these attacks and accept them as reality. The target/victim puts their all into TRYING to fix the wrongs in favor of reconciliation or returning the relationship back to the amazing love that they were conned into believing was real. It is a hideous to use love to con good people into a trusting union and then extort that trust for gain!
A Narcissist is disordered and has so many internal conflicts and delusions concerning their superiority over others that they don’t know how to address other human beings as being anything but an object or supply to serve them! However, people serve a real purpose in the Narcissist’s life so they do know how to TRAP their targets/victims with their love bombing though! Narcissists also feel they have a RIGHT to condemn and punish people when they DON’T serve them appropriately AND continually BUT the Narcissist gives NOTHING in return. Narcissists definitely do not see themselves as needing to change OR having serious issues because they do not have empathy or the internal mechanics to process anything but their needs. There is absolutely no form of logic, care, love, respect, submissiveness or kindness that will be enough to reach them at any level because they have disassociated from a ‘real self!’. They don’t experience moments where they think about the harm they are inflicting on others, nor an ounce of love that they would share with the person that gives them unconditional love. They are completely empty souls that walk around our world full of entitlement, envy, and hate. They are driven by their endless needs and take what they can from people. They pillage life and destroy rationale in the world through conflict and inflicting damage by abusing people.
They are not seeking a normal relationship with anyone, they are looking for ‘people servants.’ They do not understand or respect the individual rights of people because they do not understand or respect themselves and they honor NO boundaries. Narcissists hide from their own insecurity and weaknesses by manipulating and harming others by making them feel weak and beneath the Narcissist (a delusional form of projection or justification!) They have no control over their own DISTORTED emotions (nor desire it) so they attempt to control others with that magnanimous and charming facade to hide what they are. They are extortionists and PSYCHO bullies pure and simple, but they are shrewd enough to cover their tracks in public, but when you are on a personal level with them the mask slips off far too often especially when there are no witnesses around! While they may seem to be very CHARMING and have some positive qualities, they are purely toxic and have unrealistic expectations that nobody can meet and EVERY person WILL see this in time. Targets/victims that try to relate to the Narcissist (or love them) will never meet any of the Narcissists expectations and will end up being completely managed down by the Narcissists unstable personality and insatiable appetite for supply, as well as traumatized, disabled, and destroyed.
What I am trying to do here is to explain why the educational process is so extremely important to recovery. I am not using the word education in a manner that only describes the Narcissist or abuse and “there you have it!’ Instead I am trying to emphasize the importance of education being vital to breaking the abuse messages that play in your mind, as well as defining the manner that a Narcissist drives this abuse straight into your heart, soul, mind and world and why I call this situational abuse. We must understand what we DON’T understand to move on and up to a level of recovery. We must accept that they are what they are, move on with the truth and do some damage control and heal!
Targets/victims get so lost in the day to day managing down that they fail to see just how effective the Narcissist is at distorting their reality (the manipulation). You are never having a REAL conversation with a REAL person. This is the essence of ABUSE and how we become desensitized and our reality distorted. Everything a Narcissist says (and does) has NOTHING to do with a normal ‘back and forth’ conversation between two normal people! You (target/victim) are COMMUNICATING and believing that the Narcissist is reciprocating, but they are observing and scheming through your words and actions. They are drawing information from you in a manner to know your strengths and weaknesses and how to use those against you – sort of like a predator calculating in a manner to trap their prey. They may reply in what seems like a normal manner but they are actually interrogating you to draw out what they can and then they distort what they can so you never have a cohesive conversation with them. You will always find yourself WONDERING about something or other.
The end result is that they have you where they want you. Along with that they employ so many techniques to confuse you, or make you question what you said, or basically always feeling like you have to explain yourself. That is how they gain the upper hand! Beyond the love bombing which was just another grand scheme to manipulate you into the abuse with words and actions, the remainder of the relationship will consume you with always feeling the need to defend yourself. There is no such thing as individuality with a Narcissist and they are not going to allow you to have needs or be anything but what they want you to be. The KEY point here is that the love you FEEL (conned into) connects you to a Narcissist as well as blinds you to the abuse because they dangle that love in front of you and make you basically beg to have it back. That is purely behavioral modification using withholding techniques to change you to accept their disordered abuse! Remember that they are employing their disguise to con everyone around them to get what they want, but the primary 24/7 supply suffers the most from this abuse. They have other sources of supply on the side to feed their out of control lifestyle, and minions that sing their praises. How sad and destructive for the primary 24/7 target/victim to believe that what they have with a Narcissist is LOVE when it is nothing more than a place for the Narcissist to have constant supply as well as a refuge to hide the real truth of just how perverted they are.
The dynamics of a relationship with them is built solely on the premise that you are an object to this distorted creature for as long as they want you to be OR until they have extorted everything they can from you, OR you uncover the truth about them. Unfortunately, you are coming from what you believe is a real relationship with them so you are blinded to the day to day subtle manipulation and abuse. Love, commitment and growth are your goals, but slowly but surely your emotions and thoughts are eroded away until you lose the person you were for so many years. The Narcissist doesn’t ever stop the abuse because they need to devalue and discard you and they manipulate you into temporary insanity. They push and push you so that you react in ways that MAKE you out to be the ‘crazy one’ and then they use that against you. This is what they are and what they do. There is absolutely NOTHING you could have done to change any of this. This is a predator with an agenda to secure its prey, feed off of it, devalue it, destroy it, and then move on to new hunting grounds to find another person to prey on. BUT they are so good at this game that few see through them until it is too late! Add to the fact that a Narcissist will destroy each of their targets/victim’s integrity to cover their tracks by using the insanity they forced you into AGAINST you. The world is none the wiser to these criminals. Try explaining your incredulous experience and you have sealed your faith as being the ‘crazy one’ just like the Narcissist has described you to everyone and BEHIND your back. The Narcissist has everything covered as far as the abuse is concerned.
Targets/victims that are abused have to understand that the abuse doesn’t have anything to do with them and the actions of the Narcissist are not their fault. What you are feeling and reacting to is the many years of the brainwashing or manipulation (same thing.) You are NOT this person but instead a brainwashed individual that has had your dignity striped away from you by a highly disordered and destructive abuser. This is one of the hardest things to realize that there is absolutely nothing you could have done that would have any influence on changing this creature. Targets/victims of emotional/psychological abuse often think otherwise hoping they can fix things and only end up in this vortex of blaming themselves as being the defective one as well as the reason for the failing state of the relationship. Again, this is the Narcissist doing what they do so well, confusing you and using mind control to make you accept their disordered agenda. It is the only way these creatures could function in our world and that is through lies and manipulation, otherwise they would be in jail for what they really are.
Just some reality and the truth! With a Narcissist, you will give until you are emotionally, spiritually and physically bankrupt and receive little or nothing in return AND you will lose yourself completely. Just take a hard look at yourself today and then compare that with your state of being when you first met your Narcissistic partner. You are more than likely psychologically and emotionally worse off and feeling totally numb and a different person. Narcissists are thieves and once they have taken all you have to give, you are history and they discard you and move on to new and plentiful supply – and THEY DO NOT CARE.
PLEASE, please internalize that they waged a psychological war that had an agenda with you from day one! Narcissists are amoral and you CAN’T engage with them in any moral or conscience based issues and expect to achieve anything or better yet win. They DON’T love they abuse and extort. Narcissists have absolutely no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. They abide by no rules or laws. They aren’t REAL! There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their thoughtless and CRUEL approach to other people especially yourself. They feel COMPLETELY entitled in this world. If you are looking for revenge then you will never achieve any satisfaction in that arena either. They don’t connect to your thoughts or words as they concern any opinion that you may have about them, nor do they care. You are only an object and supply and it begins and ends there! No/minimal contact. Greg
There are many ways that a Narcissist will confound or confuse your thought processes, isolate you, and hold you prisoner without that Narcissist even being in your presence. The Narcissist purposely creates negative messages that trap us in our own heads – THIS is a highly disordered person controlling you with emotional and psychological abuse!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
There are many ways that a Narcissist will confound or confuse your thought processes, isolate you, and hold you prisoner without that Narcissist even being in your presence. The Narcissist creates negative messages that trap us in our own heads. Be it raging, accusing, silencing, and distancing themselves from you for days, accusing or whatever they decide to throw your way. All of these methods are hideous forms of abuse to debilitate you/us and make you conform to their rules. They bait us with an argument or accusations, this escalates usually with the Narcissist taking it to a higher level of dysfunction, we are left dumbfounded with their hit and run message, and then they go into the punishment mode by running off or silencing us and we are left in shock or traumatized by the nonsense. LASTLY, we are left to our own devices especially when we try to rationalize any of this with our own mind and the ‘poison’ they injected into us.
I was continually baited with nonsensical accusations like being unfaithful (which I was not,) and out of the blue my Narcissist would throw these crazy stories at me. “I know you are on every dating/sex site looking to hook up!” “I ran into a friend when I was out and they told me that they KNOW it is you!” Then ‘BAM’ the Narcissist judge would sentence me to 3 days of isolation, confinement, and silencing! The argument escalated without knowing the name of the so-called witness, proof, or the ability for me to speak. I knew the truth as far as it concerned me, but I also knew that when one of these scenarios would arise that my Narcissist was totally irrational and whatever I said or did would only amount to an attack of rage. I was CONDITIONED to accept these insane bouts of crazy making, accusations, and rage as a part of my relationship. What was my rationale in this, or why did I allow the accusations? Well because I couldn’t escape the accusations or the argument? Yes, I did think my Narcissist was insane at times, but I wanted these behaviors to stop and somehow work through these things so we could get things back on track again. I was the insane one for buying into all of it and trying to apply some sort of rationale or logic! By allowing myself to justify each of these stories and attacks, I was allowing myself to accept the abuse as my normal.
The Narcissist’s actions are meant to leave us in a very confused and vulnerable state, one that makes us challenge our own mind and reality and then pull us further into the abuse or basic brain-washing and conditioning. You/we throw reality, our intuition, and everything that we know to be true right out the window. Your persona has been eroded by the many mixed messages and confusion that a Narcissist creates and has created (in the past) with so many other situations. All of this is compounded by your ‘emotional connection’ to this Narcissist. You feel real emotions from the ‘love bombing’, but the Narcissist doesn’t feel any emotions, nor do they bond with us and this is NOT a conventional relationship by any means and never will! BUT to us this was real and we believed in it!
The human brain works in a manner that chemicals or endorphins are released in response to something that makes us feel wonderful and that gives us that euphoric feeling. BUT the opposite is true, when the stimulus that made us feel so wonderful is withdrawn from us and the production of the endorphins shuts down causing anxiety and even depression. Just simple Psychology! It is very common that a Narcissist can be so incredibly charming and perfect in the beginning of the relationship (love bombing) and you fall strongly in love. As a result of this AND the Narcissist’s manipulative agenda, you soon become strongly connected or even addicted to the immense highs from them and you still want this love available to you. It is an amazing love and MEANT to be that way to start the cycle of abuse! In normal relationships, it is reciprocated back and together you BOTH fall deeply in love. But with a Narcissist they dangle this love in front of you and then pull it away and make you basically beg to get it back – they use this love as a tool to disable us! The Narcissist is grooming you in this back and forth manner to make you dependent on them. It is dehumanizing how they psychologically abuse a good and loving person to beg for their acceptance and love, especially when they initiated the whole process by tricking us into loving them to only bring us to our knees. There is nothing simple as it concerns being brainwashed or psychologically abused in this manner.
A Narcissist sets this all-in motion with purpose and intent. The confusion keeps you frozen in time, vulnerable and blind to the reality that they are managing you down. This is the method to their madness to keep you/us right there with these distorted messages and traumatized while they are away securing other supply, betraying you or whatever they have going on. You are left isolated and attacking your own reality through their words and actions. They start the abuse and you finish it by going through the motions of blaming yourself and trying to make sense out of this darkness they left you in. REMEMBER in the beginning the Narcissist preceded this horrendous managing down (devaluation) with their ‘love bombing.’ We saw it (and still see it) as a viable relationship, but in fact it was part of their agenda to gain our trust first, then objectify us to harvest supply. An object just needs to be what it is, and serve a purpose. If it doesn’t function in this capacity it is replaced. We aren’t objects but the Narcissist has to manage us down, control and essentially we become one because THAT IS WHAT WE WERE GROOMED TO BE! Stop believing in what was never really there in the first place. Do whatever it takes to reason this out with the truth that you already know and finally break this cycle of abuse that disabled you and has you down for the count. No/minimal contact to completely stop the madness and abuse! Greg
Narcissists will simply bait you with their conversations to constantly manage you down in an effort to keep you confused and off balance. Let’s understand this and put a real perspective on the Narcissist’s ‘SPIN’ that they put on everything!
Narcissists will simply bait you with their conversations in an effort to constantly manage you down in an effort to keep you confused and off balance. Just within a normal conversation it almost seems like they are testing you, assessing you, setting you up and that causes you to constantly walk on those eggshells. They are gauging your reactions to see just how far they can push you to the edge to get a chaotic reaction – that even includes the OCCASIONAL charm or love bombing or just different types of baiting you (positive and negative) or simply diversions.
With those ‘chaotic’ messages, they want you to react emotionally and after they bait you AND get a reaction they will tell YOU to calm down, or say you are overreacting and make you internalize their disappointment with you – it is like a double whammy. They want the upper hand always to feel in control so the whole point of this is to get you unhinged and they can and will get down and dirty to achieve this – it is CONTROL to steal your power away and to empower themselves. Conversations are always a competition with them just like everything else with a Narcissist and you are always left out in left field with no real clue because normal people are not always in a competition with other people like a Narcissist is. Think of it like this – it would be like the Narcissist purposely punching you and then getting angry at YOU and making you wrong for reacting to the harm they have inflicted on you.
They will use actions as well to drive their point home with you. Suddenly they are not paying attention to you, or they are very eager to get you off of the phone. They will cancel a plan or just disappear without an explanation or basically isolating you and silencing you for no apparent reason. It is akin to distancing themselves from you to get a reaction and again so that YOU react. This pulls you RIGHT BACK INTO their chaos and feeling confused and overthinking again. When they return you calmly confront or question their actions and receive a resounding “I’m SICK of always arguing with you – WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??” Well you never started an argument in the first place, you were only reacting in a manner to create some sort of cohesive understanding AND peace, but the Narcissist hones in on your confusion (and reactions) and labels them as arguments. They have successfully manipulated you right into their game to make you believe that YOU are to blame and a defective person. They will more than likely verbalize this to you as well because they love those harmful words. They do this as often as they can and over time it is disabling and destructive to you because it erodes your worth, self-esteem, and your personality or individualism. It is CONTROL pure and simple!
So, another example of this chaotic baiting – let’s use the example that they cheated on you or they are just being cruel to you. They won’t directly address accountability, the truth, or the reality of the situation but instead they will bring up something totally unrelated from the past that YOU have done wrong. It is sort of like a comparison to divert or deflect from their horrendous actions and basically justify what they have done (get away with it unscathed). It goes like this – because YOU have done something in the past that they know about – they are trying to relate to YOUR situation as WORSE than whatever they did and somehow this makes THEM better and above accountability for what they have done – pretty sinister move! It is their way of keeping score, but they are always the winners because they are the scorekeeper. Perhaps you sincerely admitted to something you had done wrong in your past and you shared it even showing regrets for your actions. They will hold you hostage to this and accountable to whatever it was YOU did (even if it didn’t concern them) and then whatever they did really isn’t all that bad compared to your actions. So, don’t you even DARE to hold them accountable or complain about what they did because they are going to bring up your indiscretion(s) from the past! This is not a normal resolution this is deceptive manipulation on their part to shore up their lies and actions and a Narcissistic diversion and deflecting from the truth.
Again, all of this is done in an effort to put YOU on the defensive to avert all responsibility and accountability AND keep you off balance. In any situation where they are threatened by exposure of the reality of what they are the Narcissist has to SHAME you in a manner to stay in control. They have no shame for their actions though and I mean NONE whatsoever. They only transfer their defective qualities onto and into you and basically create strong labels that they attach to you that justify WHY they do what they do – call it Narcissistic justification and denial. Remember they are the ‘eternal victims of the world’ and BLAME everybody else for what they do – this is really projection. They are transferring their own flaws onto you as well as seeking a reaction that basically confuses or confounds you to drive the point home and to get away with what they do. They HAVE to respond because they can’t just sit there and allow what they feel are blatant attacks ON THEM because they do NO WRONG – but as you and I know they do MANY ‘wrongs!’ They HAVE to force you into submission so you internalize their attacks as reality of who YOU are. You are not any of this – AGAIN this is part of their extreme manipulation techniques – and one of many!
If you were able to pull yourself out of the confusion when they are doing this, you would clearly see that their reactions are so delusional and a huge defense mechanism to hide the very truth from themselves and everybody else. Educating ourselves about the truth of what a Narcissist is AND does is one of the most important and essential aspects of recovery. It is the bridge that takes us to full recovery. To heal we must understand, we must expel everything that we internalized from the manipulative Narcissist and their abuse. We have to realize that these are non-functioning individuals that are predators. There NEVER was a relationship with them, there NEVER will be a relationship with them, AND they are NOT capable of having a REAL relationship with anyone!
Let’s sum it up with this – if you can’t use your words with them in a manner to have a real conversation, or share your thoughts, express yourself, or just talk normally than what do you have? Nothing! Communication is imperative to ANY relationship and if it is not there than there is no relationship whatsoever. This is the reality with a Narcissist because they are one huge control machine that is programmed to dismiss every aspect of your individuality. There is a lesson in all of this and that is we have to completely actualize this and move on no matter what because we are not dealing with a normal person or anything normal with a Narcissist. There was NEVER one conversation you have had with them that had any basis of reality because they have none to offer.
Along the same lines they do not change after we depart from them. The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure as well UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation or the ‘same old, same old!’ Trying to talk to them about anything would be like being a hamster on a wheel running and running on that wheel but never getting anywhere except exhausted and right at the same place you started. In the end, they will probably run off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day so let them be where they are. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. NO, they will only manipulate you more and use more projection to always make YOU out to be the person at fault. They are securing new supply and you reached your expiration date. ANY attempt at a connection would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! You couldn’t affect change with them all throughout your relationship so you are not going to be able to do that now either. The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along. No/minimal contact to truly get the clarity you need to move forward! Greg
Narcissists are not acting on ANY normal, moral, or real premise like love, caring, bonding, commitment, or sharing REAL empathy – they create these scenarios because THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM PEOPLE!
Narcissists are shameless self-promoters AND experts at creatig the perfect (false) image for themselves so that they can fit into ANY scenario to get at what they want. They just fake it whenever possible or cheat their way through life and that includes faking love, relationships, family ties, friendships, OR anything and everything to get at what they want. Many, if not all Narcissists get away with psychological terrorism and they murder their targets self-esteem, mind and soul. Be it bullying, slander, backstabbing, triangulation, or ANY of the tools in their arsenal of abuse. The things that they do should be prosecutable offenses but they do this all of their lives and get away with it because they look like us and PRETEND to be like us, and they have enablers that protect their facades. So just how do they do it all without any consequences AND why do people believe them? WELL, first off because the Narcissist KNOWS that they are creating outrageous and dehumanizing acts against people and humanity, so they also think up ways to avoid the consequences, especially because of what they fear the most or EXPOSURE! They create an impenetrable fortress with other forms of lies, manipulation and an army of minions that will sing their praises. Supply is many things even their little soldiers that protect them. THAT and they will completely destroy the integrity of any person that catches on to them.
So what goes on in the omnipotent Narcissists distorted version of life? There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment, truth or reality as it concerns any other human being on this planet – people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use abuse and discard at will. Normal people respect all life but a Narcissist doesn’t see life as worthy of THEIR respect, nor do they follow any rules, regulations, or obey any laws. So, by treating others as unworthy (and blaming them) the Narcissist is acting as if they are beneath ANY reprieve for their actions, and we are totally insignificant, very disposable and infinitely less important than the all-important Narcissist. A Narcissist has no more regard for us than a person that steps on and squashes a poor bug that is minding its own bug business on the ground. Basically and unequivocally we are nothing and the Narcissist is everything in their world and they protect their standing at all costs even if it means total annihilation of ANY individual that threatens their façade with accountability! You must always remember that the Narcissist has many other relationships going on as well so there is always a source of supply on the side to replace you as a friend, partner, etc. No one relationship is as real as it seems (or seemed) or has any of the significance we placed on it – especially as it concerned caring or loving them and the Narcissist caring or loving us back! People are extensions of the Narcissist or the working mechanisms that keep the ‘Narcissist machine’ running and there are always spares or replacements when any single part of it breaks down.
The Narcissist is really re-enacting or projecting the distorted and hateful images that live inside of them ONTO US because they constantly come to the surface in their world as envy and they HAVE to dump them on to everybody. The Narcissist is the eternal victim in this world and they blame the world for everything so they can live their out-of-control and perverse lifestyle AND justify it. They pathologically compensate for whatever got them to their dark place and make everybody else pay for it. They are so demeaning with their value judgments that live on the surface of that thin skin they wear to hide the dark soul inside of them. Once they have lured you in with the CHARM trap watch out because the HARM is sure to follow. Perhaps this is how the Narcissist so easily edits/changes the real and shameful image of him/herself because they have erased their real self with each and every façade they use and it becomes invisible to them for a time being. They can fortify it by reflecting (projecting) it back onto the world with that contemptuous eye they have for everybody they meet. To me it doesn’t matter what got that Narcissist to where they are, because they are abusers plain and simple and destroy lives. It is not my or anyone else’s responsibility after being psychologically kicked in the head (and purposely) to the point of severe damage to use any justification that abuse was OK. We have all been bullied in life and dealt with hurt but we cognitively grew up to respect people and life and not take it out on people. The Narcissist doesn’t respect ANY life, nor do they want to change, nor do they care.
So what a Narcissist puts into motion is pathologically treating us like dirt and maligning us behind our backs to control and destroy us once they have gotten what they came for. They are predators that are pre-loaded with delusion, psychopathy, and abuse – they just put a mask on to hide it all. This seriously puts Narcissists in their own special class with Psychopaths or like a branch from the same Psychopath tree. The class of people who don’t wish you, me, or any other human being any sense of well-being, no matter what or how friendly, caring or loving their façade or mask is. This is the same class of predators as physical, sexual or ANY other kind of abusive predator and Narcissists are just as dangerous. Seriously we MUST internalize that Narcissists really are predators and dangerous, but many people just don’t appreciate the true meaning or the reality of Narcissistic abuse OR basically letting it in one ear and out the other as the saying goes!
Some simple logic! A Narcissist isn’t acting on any normal human premise. All the Narcissist is doing is playing (manipulating) you for the reaction he/she wants to control and abuse you. The truth is irrelevant to a Narcissist because they don’t even know what ‘truth’ is. Truth or lies, it’s all irrelevant to the Narcissist, so whatever works for them and that is usually lies – they are ONE BIG LIE. They are with us for ONE reason only ‘objectification” and we are there to serve them as Narcissistic supply and that is it. Why do they create the huge production with the entire love bombing – SIMPLY to gain our trust first so they can gain access to our head, heart and life and get at that precious supply they need so badly? It is ONLY a working relationship as far as they are concerned and NOT one that has any benefits for us. We are none the wiser, PLUS they gain access to our trusting nature and then attack us by preying on our emotional vulnerabilities to drive the psychological abuse to a point that can and will disable us. But don’t forget they were so good at that CHARM and we were singing their praises at first while they were destroying our integrity behind our backs – they were that good at their game. So, when you start telling the truth more than likely you will hear, “I thought you were in love with him/her the way you were talking how great he/she was”.
So to support this let’s just say it would be more correct to say that there is no such thing as truth to a Narcissist, because there is no such thing as truth when you are playing pretend with the whole world and everybody in it. They routinely fool and manipulate family, mental healthcare professionals, teachers, law enforcement, judges, social workers OR you name it and they can fool them. Really builds up a strong case that these critters are everywhere in our world! It isn’t a matter of their intelligence by any means it is a matter of practice and experience and they have a lifetime of this experience because it is really their survival mechanism. You CAN’T always trust an institution or organization to filter out the personality disordered Narcissists either because they are just that good at getting behind a job that makes them seem to be goodness personified and they will use this guise to abuse also. The Narcissist I knew has been closely associated with these ‘social work’ organizations for a lifetime and that is very discerning to know.
So then what is the kiss of death to a predator, EXPOSURE because it’s like a repellant that warns new and potential prey to mistrust and stay away from the Narcissist! So, with this in mind a Narcissist lives in constant fear of people finding out that they are or a wolf behind sheep’s clothing, or that they just use people, or they want to take away or extort everything that you have that they don’t have, and they will vandalize your integrity and good image to improve their own. They also live in constant fear of ANYBODY learning the shocking truth about their past exploits, or the many they have intentionally destroyed. They also live in constant fear of people discovering what they do in their immoral and perverse world and the many ‘others’ they participate with regularly.
So, to put it all in a nutshell Narcissists are expert con artists – here are some red flags to look out for. They put on a conspicuous display of goodness and kindness but in reality, there is NOTHING to back it up. They damage the images of many people by always seeming to be the victim. They have a consistent history of past upheavals. They seem to be disliked or hated for mysterious reasons by people close to them – BUT IT IS NEVER THEIR FAULT. They exhibit unnatural and perplexing behavior or backward reactions to things. They are control freaks, trampling on other people’s privacy and personal boundaries. They are extremely self-absorbed. They have a hostile reaction to attention and credit given to others. They rage very easily. They are very private and dismissive about the particulars of ANY situation especially as it concerns them personally.
So if you get to know a Narcissist’s history, you will usually see a track record of destruction followed by mysterious upheavals in their life – but the Narcissist will lie and blame every other person, and citing every possible excuse they can. Narcissists really keep their past separated from the present and the future. Never be silent about this abuse because too many people have been harmed by these creatures – even their own biological children and family. If they are forced out of the darkness, and made accountable for their actions, they would be forced to stop their abuse or run like the cowards they really are and maybe live with other Narcissists in a world so full of chaos and crazy-making that they would no longer need us to support their delusional world. That was just a bad attempt at some humor because a Narcissist could not live in a world where other Narcissists were controlling THEM and using THEM for supply because without it they couldn’t survive and all of the Narcissists would become extinct without that supply. No/minimal contact! Greg
With a Narcissist, you are NEVER an individual with any needs of your own. It was a role you were emotionally manipulated and conned in and out of and you were only dehumanized, subjugated and objectified by a personality disordered person each and every time they needed you as supply. Everything else ‘in between’ was just their psychopathy and games that kept you so locked up in confusion and believing!
What does a Narcissist do when we demand our individuality or ask to be treated as a person SHOULD be? They manage us down into the smallest pieces they can and act out to control us, silence us, and make us feel small and worthless. They have numerous tools in their arsenal, but the most efficient of all is replacing us with another person when we don’t acquiesce to ALL of their needs – it is just what they do because they cannot bond beyond using us for what we have and what they need so they will just find someone else to replace us. What is the message the Narcissist is sending? It is no big deal to find another person to fill your shoes. This truth is crazy to comprehend, but it depicts the true nature of a relationship with a Narcissist and they just go on with life switching out their partners like buying a new pair of shoes – everyone is an object that takes a turn in the Narcissist’s life.
Think about it in real and practical terms. When we are talking about the ‘real’ relationship with a Narcissist remember this if you will remember anything – the relationship with a Narcissist is NOTHING that concerns romance, unconditional love, bonding, or a healthy relationship that grows with them, we are talking about the subjugation of an object and WE are that object. Yes, Narcissists exploit their partners just as if they were an inanimate object that they will replace or throw out in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, they play a great game of making us believe we are more than that because it is all part of the mechanics they use to pull us into their agenda to become their latest object. That charm or love bombing is the trap they set for every target soon to be victim!
A Narcissist will find a way to put a partner in their ‘designated position’ or better yet a dehumanizing and disabling role that is only meant to consistently numb the victim or keep them in that fog of confusion to basically serve the Narcissist’s sadistic needs. A Narcissist tears down a partner’s equality and worth with many manipulative and devious steps that steal away his/her power AND the Narcissist in turn empowers themselves through this controlling behavior. These are highly insecure and envious creatures at heart that manipulate, betray, lie, cheat, extort and every other disabling thing they can do as well as hide the truth of their disordered nature. What else would you or could you do if you are akin to a fictional dark and empty creature like a vampire but seek out and find victims to suck the life force out of. A Narcissist will always find a way to unleash their toxic waste or sewage on the rest of us. SO never try to grasp at the vision they have a happy, normal, and fulfilling life now or ever. Everyone that gets to know your Narcissist will only become their next target for their fake and psychotic pursuits that define their abuse.
Most if not all targets/victims are generous, trusting, normal, and kind people and basically this is why the Narcissist was attracted to you because your empathy and love was strong and in place for this Narcissist to exploit. It is a fact that Narcissists are sadistic, cruel, and insensitive and their actions toward people are very painful. It is cruel, dehumanizing, and basically criminal what they do to normal, loving and good people AND it is impossible for us to wrap our heads around it all but remember Narcissists aren’t normal by any means and they do not have the empathy that we possess. They are unable to feel, sense or appreciate feelings, compassion or other people’s needs. They do not acknowledge or respect boundaries and they will consistently trample them down, especially when they are discarding you and moving onto their EXT vixtim. When you are wondering or worried about them and not caring for yourself, they are not considering anything as it concerns YOUR well-being or the hurt you are feeling because they just don’t care. A Narcissist is always so absorbed with THEMSELVES and after that horrendous discard you are just the past, but they will wring every last ounce of attention (good or bad) out of you before dumping you especially when they are moving on to their next victim – BUT, and really know this because it is huge – only if you let them!
NEVER fall into the trap of trying to redeem yourself with them because you are only reacting to more of their manipulation because they WANT to confuse you even more to keep you so far away from the truth. You can’t ever fix the past with them, change them, rescue them, save them, or communicate with them. If you do, they will just set you up to manage you down MORE and drag you back for a little or a LOT more of their abuse. A bit of advice from this survivor, and that is find ways to stop yourself from trying to re-connect with your Narcissist. You must stop completely and ignore your Narcissist with the strongest boundaries you can create! Remember, every minute you let them sit in your thoughts YOU lose a little bit more of yourself and you have already given up too much! Do not let them occupy space in your heart and mind once you know the truth about what they are – DISCARD them from your heart and mind forever.
ALL of their repressed feelings from the damage they inflicted on so many people they avoid like the plague and they just don’t deal with it. They don’t want to struggle with blaming themselves because the real truth would make them implode. Yes, they don’t care about what they have done, but remember that is how they are wired or how they rewired themselves and their internal mechanics. Their life is built on this premise so it is also their reality (or basically lack of reality). Their extreme denial represses anything that would blame them as being the problem and that is buried so deep in them and a huge part of their world or a working mechanism in their disordered personality. Clinically they dump all of this through projection or basically blaming you in a disordered and dysfunctional method for everything they have done to you. Think back to things they have accused you of or the crazy and nonsensical arguments and how you would shake your head in disbelief wondering where they came up with this garbage – that was them projecting and dumping their toxic waste onto YOU.
That is why their lives are spent running a marathon or from one trivial distraction to another, and another because they have to keep their mind busy and AWAY from the real truth of who and what they are. In my estimation, it is really pathetic when you catch on to what they are doing. Remember that they were doing this when they were with us, always searching for something or someone else and BLAMING us because we just did not offer everything they needed – but you, me and everyone else gave everything they had. This is why so many Narcissists are also addicts too, but basically they are addicted to their own neediness and seeking out some sort of external attention. All these creatures are doing is trying to escape their fate of ultimately being alone because of how damaged they are, BUT they never seek out any form of help to fix themselves. Unfortunately, they are not cuddly creatures that you can love and help because they will devour you to protect themselves from seeing their own reflection and reality and this is why they abuse us. They can’t face themselves so they ultimately blame and destroy each and every person that becomes involved in their life and calls them out for their abusive ways.
Narcissists HATE to lose so they must wage a war and WILL only pursue a victory (in their mind only)! With any argument or even the discard he/she is not pursuing YOU to get you back and make proper amends but it may LOOK like they are pursuing you. The Narcissist wants to put things right back to the way they’re SUPPOSED to be with them psychologically abusing your mind and controlling your every move. Remember if you give in, forgive, adore, and admire this creature AND take him/her back they WILL incorporate some punishment for you “abandoning” them. They want you back but on their own terms, with the same degree of selfishness, psychopathy, AND abuse. Nothing has changed and if you respond to him/her and give them another chance, you’ll regret it and keep ending up at the same place over and over again AND one day discarded completely. The story ends the same way with every relationship.
It is a vicious cycle that will only destroy you if you keep repeating it. If the Narcissist can keep you under his/her control AND they will manage you down deeper and deeper into their abuse and having a very happy time of it indeed. I hate to admit it, but I was guilty of this for 8 months after my relationship ended, but the positive thing is that I finally ‘got it’ and moved on and away from more abuse. I just didn’t understand the dynamics completely enough at the time so I kept stumbling through it.
Your only hope for success is to completely go no contact or minimal contact if you have children together. You can’t still be friends or have the occasional e-mail or ANY contact whatsoever. Narcissists who have been dumped or abandoned you will NOT be normal ‘ex’s’ any more than they were normal partners because they are abusive. Respond to a Narcissist in any manner and he/she will without a doubt hurt you and devalue you again. Every little contact, every chance encounter, will set you back in recovering from what has been a psychologically traumatic experience for you. This was a toxic bond and not any type of NORMAL relationship that will yield anything near a normal closure with them. Remember you can’t heal from the trauma you are experiencing by reconnecting to the source because it will only add more and more layers of that same trauma. If you’re going to recover from this, you MUST stay away from them. You WILL eventually get a clearer vision of reality once your mind gets some well-deserved peace AWAY from their chaos, manipulation, and abusive ways.
If you were married and have kids together, the Narcissist will make your divorce proceedings a living hell just like they did in your marriage. The Narcissist will act like they can’t wait to get rid of you, and then stall and impede the divorce as much as humanly possible just to make sure you know who’s in control. And that’s BEFORE the real nightmare begins, with the custody arrangements. You need to stay strong to get through this, AND then you still have to deal with them until the kids are grown.
I hope this information helps you understand that a Narcissist is in this only for themselves. You were never a part of anything but instead a part of their agenda to extort your reality and life and to entertain themselves. Mine played and still plays the same music but I have plugs in my ears and blinders around my eyes and I just don’t buy into any of the attempts or the garbage at all. I have moved on and found my place, happiness, and love again. This Narcissist will NEVER have a chance of ever knowing me again or even getting near to it no matter what game this Narcissist plays at. No contact means never again! I had the truth that gave me the vision I needed to return to a complete life of happiness and love and so will you if you only allow it. You must get out of the darkness to experience the light again and get back to a real life that you once knew. You will see goodness once you leave this distorted creature and their negative messages completely behind you. Give yourself that chance every day – you can never look back if you seriously want to move forward. Please stop believing the lie! No/minimal contact! Greg