Category Archives: Narcissism

BLAME – it is all a diversion that an abuser uses to step up their game to protect THEIR lies, manipulation, gaslighting, and betrayal that EVERYONE experiences with them!

BLAME – it is all a diversion that an abuser uses to step up their game to protect THEIR lies, manipulation, gaslighting, and betrayal that EVERYONE experiences with them! Narcissists have to BLAME and ultimately destroy the very person they abused or else they will be ‘outed’ as the abuser THEY are – so they do this with the BIG BLAME GAME – and they have been doing this or setting it up long before the end of whatever relationship they had with you. A Narcissist will ALWAYS blame/accuse THEIR victim of ruining THEIR life!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Absolute control of their partner is the ultimate goal of the Narcissist to extort supply. Here is the thing — this is very difficult to identify and understand in the beginning of a relationship with a Narcissist because they are among every other thing I outlined the world’s best CON artist and they mean to con us out of our worth, integrity, finances, self-esteem and anything else they can get their grubby little hands on – so the “game is on” with them! HOW do they do this – through the horrendous manipulation of our emotions – using them against us through BLAME and diminishing us piece by piece

Nobody likes to be blamed for something, BUT a responsible person will accept blame for something appropriate. Narcissists don’t accept blame for anything, even if it is deserved (which it is always deserved as it concerns them) – they are always the victim and the blamer! I have to say that part of this is their typical omnipotence or “I’m better than you” and “rules don’t apply to me” attitude, but there is seriously more to it than that. Blaming is how they control others OR harm the targets they are viciously attacking as well as releasing guilt by blaming everybody else. These are more than likely friends, family members, partners, or former love interests or people that are the closest to the Narcissist. They know all too well and understand that the use of destructive and defensive strength behind their blaming approach (bullying) and smear campaign weakens/destroys the integrity of their target and puts them in a defensive role that will only make them seem guilty of the Narcissist’s negative campaign against them. Narcissists make regular use of this method to destroy people, and they start it well before their target is wise to the destruction that is waiting for them.

There is no having a real relationship with a Narcissist, you may be in what you believe is a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you – you are Narcissistic supply and you/we always have an expiration date with them – and they are scheming and setting it up well before we realize it. You are only in their life to make them look good or because you are useful to the Narcissist as an object to satisfy a variety of needs. Nothing is ever internalized with a Narcissist like emotional bonds, caring, love or EMPATHY. Their world is totally external and everyone is objectified like a shiny new car that the Narcissist drives/wears to make them look however special they feel they need to be. Their image is a fake aspect of their chameleon like nature – and it constantly changes just like the chameleon changes its colors to blend into an environment.

The Narcissist constantly violates boundaries albeit physical, emotional, and mental. They follow no rules in life, or respect human dignity/rights, or adhere to any written laws. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or take/steal anything that belongs to others – as well as betray people without a care. Ownership is their birthright or so they feel because they are above the normal order of life. They will violate your standing with figures of authority in an effort to cause trouble/destruction or just to “one up” you. They are truly extortionists and they take everything and anything they can get their hands on. BUT remember this chameleon camouflages itself with CHARM – so they get away with virtual murder because they have been doing this all of their lives and they are just that good at it. The people that know the truth about them are mostly their targets/victims – the rest become their minions at some useful level that they charm into believing just how special they are AND they protect the Narcissist’s lies and disordered life – they are the enablers of their abuse.

The habit of treating a human being or a person as a means to an end is utilitarian (to satisfy a need or fulfill an AGENDA) and fundamentally derelict, inhumane, abusive and a pathological and perverted manipulation of our basic human rights. The Narcissist is feeding their endless ‘depravity void’ through injustice by his/her regard for others as mere instruments of the Narcissist’s own gratification AND destroying their victims when they are done with them. The closer the association to a Narcissist the more pathological the Narcissist becomes and the more damage done to the target/victim. Their needs are far more than just extorting basic life and biological needs – it is their psychological needs that cause the most damage to their target/victim. It is their need to control and gain dominance or power over other people that damages and destroys them. They are BASICALLY human with most of the same biological needs (like eating, breathing and sexuality) but when it comes to mental functions they are delusional and seem to have a battle that rages in their head to seriously harm people that love them as if they loathe all people and need to destroy them one by one.

Lastly the Narcissist can’t maintain their façade without exposing their true colors, and exposure is their greatest fear. So, the Narcissist exerts their last bit of power to annihilate the very source that could expose the truth – their target/victims – so BAM we are blamed for what they actually did.. Hence all those clinical terms that describe the repercussions of our relationship with them like backstabbing and the ‘smear campaign’ and BOOM we are BLAMED, destroyed, done and gone forever. No-one is ever the wiser, so life goes on FOR THE NARCISSIST while we pay for it. Don’t forget that there are always THOSE subjects that the Narcissist has been grooming while they were abusing us so there you go again – BOOM – they have a brand new ‘subject’ (target/victim) ready and waiting to serve them and new soldiers to protect their lies and shore up the fortress (the very ones they have been backstabbing us to).. Truthfully, they are a universal manipulator and abuser! YOU are not to blame for ANY of this – it was situational abuse! No/minimal contact to break the cycle of this abuse. Greg

Supply is NEVER just us – the Narcissist needs MANY different sources of supply to shore up their façade and world of lies and you can believe that they keep all of them separated from each other! Minions or flying monkeys or the Narcissist’s pawns! What is behind these Narcissistic warriors that will feign over and protect the Narcissist from exposure? The Narcissist NEEDS this COMPLETE network to survive as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’

Supply is NEVER just us – the Narcissist needs MANY different sources of supply to shore up their façade and world of lies and you can believe that they keep all of them separated from each other! Minions or flying monkeys or the Narcissist’s pawns! What is behind these Narcissistic warriors that will feign over and protect the Narcissist from exposure? The Narcissist NEEDS this COMPLETE network to survive as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them closely.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

DEFINITION: Minions and flying monkeys, the Narcissist’s ‘go to’ people when they need back up because they are about to be exposed! The Narcissist trains their minions to use as tools to fight alongside them with their ‘smear campaign’ to take another person’s integrity down that has caught on to their HUGE scam!

It is just a fact that a Narcissist that has any role in your personal life is incapable of having a normal conversation yet alone a discussion with anyone who challenges or disagrees with their ideas so we all have an expiration date. You can’t have ANY conversation with a Narcissist without it SOMEHOW damaging their delicate ego! It doesn’t matter if a conversation is presented in a calm manner discussing any and all aspects of an issue as being beneficial to something meaningful or a larger picture. The Narcissist is a psycho bully that disallows individualism or independent thinking and always needs to be in control of their environment or else they will destroy anyone that is in contention with them. Remember their world is all about them being PERFECT and in charge! It is also impossible to have an intellectual discussion with them in which ANY differing ideas are discussed in a back and forth manner. Their conversations are ALWAYS embellished with manipulative overtones to confuse, confound, disengage, accuse, trick, gain information, pass on information, etc., but it is ALWAYS part of their grand agenda to create and support their false identity. Seriously if we could tape a Narcissist’s mouth shut to prevent them from talking, this world would be a much safer and peaceful place to live in and I am not saying that to be funny – it is the real truth as it concerns these toxic bullies because they are destructive to GOOD people.

The Narcissist always defaults to their self-regulating and controlling mechanics that always involves pulling or seducing people into their lair and extracting information from them AND in turn using this information for whatever GAIN they desire or to USE against them! Be it the love bombing to harvest their main sources of supply, or people they use to prop up their hideous façade of saintliness. If that entails being charming, exciting, seducing, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it – just technique for the Narcissist! My point is that their manipulation is not only confined to a single person as in a relationship, but instead it is a complex network that includes their primary and secondary supply sources as well as their supportive adoring friends, family members, co-workers, etc., all of which are basically seduced into their roles.

THERE IS NOTHING OR ANYBODY THAT IS REAL IN THE NARCISSIST’S LIFE – everybody serves a purpose! The Narcissist NEEDS this COMPLETE network to survive as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them closely. They need a network of people to support their ‘needy needs’ and we are ALL basically some form of supply, so this is a full-time job for them to control the world around them. BUT the key element is that they are always on the defensive and everybody is essentially an enemy or someone to use for support because their world is full of lies and holes as it concerns the reality they PRESENT to us! In reality, they are bad salesmen/woman that are selling a faulty product and know it. They are quite used to getting busted so they always have a plan so they can squirm out of whatever toxic thing they have done! The main point here is that underneath that CHARM is that HARM – and what that means is that they are purely toxic people that extort life and destroy lives period.

So, what is the Narcissist’s thought process behind this backstabbing and smear campaign? They exploit the listeners’ emotions and sentiments. They use them to justify their suppressed hate, fears or desires or what we call projection. They make up a story plausible enough that listeners cannot verify the exact allegations, BUT the accusations they make are powerful and damaging, and they are meant to harm! It is a strong-arm defense to silence and using these minions to fight their battle!

In reality Narcissists are very easily wounded because they lack any and all internal mechanisms that would enable them to have balance in their world. So, a smear campaign is an attempt to malign someone’s character that is a threat to them. They will attack the target’s credibility and reputation based on lies, half-truths and malicious rumors. Narcissists distort situations with twisted conclusions, perceiving themselves as eternal victims to seduce listeners in with ‘woe-be-me stories to divide and conquer AND they are highly persuasive. So persuasive in fact that they convince both themselves and others that their ‘woe be me’ stories, horrendous lies, backstabbing, and ‘smear campaign is true. It is all control.

In turn people ignore their very own conscience and intuition if the rumor is sufficiently shocking enough and it is going to be with a Narcissist. The smear campaign is such an offensive tactic that the Narcissist uses to malign, discredit, and reduce targets/victims to inferior damaged beings and stripping them of power by destroying their character to the people around them. This tactic also divides and conquers by pitting people against a supposed ‘foe’ that the Narcissist singles out. Targets are stuck between a rock and a hard place, right where the Narcissist wants them to be, damned if they defend themselves and damned if they don’t BUT basically isolated and defenseless.

This process is never accomplished solely by the Narcissist, though because the smear campaign requires a mob of minions or flying monkeys to carry and spread the distorted and destructive messages to finish the job that the Narcissist started. The Narcissist has their entourage of minions that they have charmed into believing that the Narcissist is a saint. The Narcissist can just sit back now and enjoy the lateral damage and show while the minions commit the atrocity that basically destroys the target/victim’s integrity. It is an insane attack that completely dehumanizes a good person for no earthly reason other than the Narcissist carrying out their abusive agenda so they can move on unscathed and unexposed. Remember that these minions or supporters are NO better than the abusive Narcissist to believe their lies yet alone act out in support of the Narcissists smear campaign.

Remember that a Narcissist is toxic to ALL people which includes where they work, any organization they belong to, or basically anywhere there are other people because they are everywhere. Often times the Narcissist may seem fully functional because they are employed and may be high up in the chain of command at their place of employment or just a worker bee. BUT they always maintain control of every environment they are in. Again, they are extremely manipulating and toxic psycho bullies that will immediately start their sneak attacks, by complaining to a boss or superior about other employees, triangulate, search for weaknesses in others to take advantage of, and basically create chaos to divide and conquer. They are very adept at their backstabbing by making everything seem more like a concern instead of a huge distorted lie and backstabbing to damage another person so they seem to always come up smelling like a rose. AGAIN – everything and everybody is a threat to a Narcissist!

AGAIN, this is not confined to where they work, but it includes any organization that they are a part of, their place of worship, clubs they belong to, charity organizations, events, and even THEIR family unit or basically anyplace where their presence is apparent. They are very adept at ALL of their abusive tactics as we all personally know. They can somehow twist personal or private information they know about anybody, and subtly say just enough to make it real to their listener and seem like they are ‘in the know’ about something that damages the target/victim. Basically, they use familiarity from knowing us and turn it against us. That familiarity is what brings credence to their twisted story and lies so nobody is ever the wiser to their sneaky tactics. You will NEVER see the person they are destroying present in any conversation to have an opportunity to speak out about the accusations against them, NO with a Narcissist it is always the cowardly approach to silently talk behind EVERYBODIES back, or back-stabbing! They will also triangulate by making YOU believe that somebody is doing the same to you – again part of the ‘divide and conquer’ technique they utilize.

A Narcissistic boss will gossip behind the scenes and try to rally others against the person who dared to offer a different opinion and the boss will make it seem like a concerned comradery rather than undermining somebody’s integrity. Likewise, a Narcissist in a love relationship will also talk behind their partner’s back to other family members with the same shrewd tactics to belittle, cause trouble and whatever other damage they can. AGAIN, they will use whatever familiarity they have through knowing you as an open door to be ‘in the know’ about personal and private situations you have shared with them in confidence to make a connection with people you know that will poison YOUR relationship with these people! That old saying that familiarity breeds contempt is so true in a Narcissist’s world!

So with the Narcissist it basically amounts to either literally charming the pants off of somebody, pulling somebody in as supply, backstabbing, triangulation or something that is always deceptive and devious on the Narcissist’s part to build up their minions and support. There is never a genuine conversation with them, everything must serve them somehow. Basically, as they are talking to you they are also gathering whatever information they can concerning you, something about you, or someone that you are innocently talking about with them. Nothing is sacred with them and you can bet that they will use that information and even distort it if it serves them in some way and throw you under the train in doing so – when nobody is looking of course! They are calculating and toxic and again we never realize this until they run off like the cowards they are and the damage they leave behind has devastated your integrity to say the least.

So back to basics! What is the one thing a Narcissist does not want other people to know? The truth about them. More specifically, Narcissists do not want the truth that they are insecure, malicious, and devious people with a toxic and abusive agenda. Beyond being embarrassed by the truth of their behaviors and thoughts, they have a deathly fear of being exposed and REJECTED for who and what they really are. This is in large part because they always use lies, manipulations, and distortions to control other people and get what they want. If people were to know about their true nature, they would want nothing to do with the Narcissist. The Narcissist is very aware of this and that is why they HAVE to build up their defenses as well as lie. Remember a Narcissist LIES to cover up their negative and abusive ways so they are cognizant or know that they have done something wrong, harmful, or destructive to the person they are targeting to avoid exposure. Let’s just say they are always prepared for the inevitable. Similarly, with the bigger picture in mind their whole grand façade is just part of their defensive pretense that they MUST protect.

So, these minions and co-conspirators are only extension of the Narcissist AND the Narcissist’s abusive methodology. A Narcissist uses every opportunity to feign attention to themselves as well as secure their little toxic playmates to be there right alongside of them when they decide to wage their battles. Their world is so distorted and toxic. They live in pure denial of their sickness. They mean to hurt and destroy people, family, organizations or essentially anything that they participate in. Backstabbing, smearing, triangulation and lying are their tools to create chaos and to damage and silence people. All of this of course falls under ‘no/minimal contact’ because the only way to shut this monster out is to completely remove yourself from any attachment, especially your emotional ties with them. Yes, we loved a monster! The Narcissist’s smear campaign is their way of hatefully acknowledging OUR denying them their fake reality. The only viable solution is moving on and away from them with no/minimal contact! Greg

Let’s completely expose the truth about these Narcissists! There is NO real person there – only a façade and an agenda – so they can change into ANYTHING that they want to be to GET whatever they want – but remember this is also a MAJOR part of the betrayal and abuse that only gets pathological and horrendous in time.

Let’s completely expose the truth about these Narcissists! There is NO real person there – only a façade and an agenda – so they can change into ANYTHING that they want to be to GET whatever they want – but remember this is also a MAJOR part of the betrayal and abuse that only gets pathological and horrendous in time.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

What really defines a Narcissist – whatever they need to define them in the moment? The Narcissist is an EXTREME egomaniac that lacks ANY and ALL empathy and feels so entitled to everything in life even if they lie, deceive, betray, steal, and abuse to get it – this is the totality of their infliction and what makes them a Narcissist because nothing else matters in their world except for their every need! They seriously don’t care who they HARM in the process because again – they lack any and all EMPATHY. We are all stepping stones that they walk on and over to get what they want. ONCE we understand this and internalize this, we must NEVER engage with them or look back at them as anything but the predatory and destructive con-artist that they really are.

They feel that they are ABOVE everybody and deserving of EVERYTHING they want in life and they will take it no matter if they abuse people or break the law to do so and they just don’t care. They act as if they are ‘royalty’ in life, and feel above and even insulted by any unworthy subjects – like when YOU and I expect his/her majesty’s affirmation or attention – we are only there to serve. It is all part of the fictional novel going on in the Narcissist’s childish mind, that magnanimous work of fiction about themselves in which he/she is the star of a great masterpiece all about themselves.

It is ALL about fictional appearances with them – whatever they make up to bring them attention. Little children do the same thing in their play fantasies but THEY eventually grow up and deal in reality. The Narcissist totally IDENTIFIES with the fictional character that he/she creates in that mirror that is you and me. WE have a bit part in this show as a character (one of many) that exists to reflect the Narcissist’s greatness through our interactions with them period. They will always share how amazing they are and how they have so many friends, how their family and children love them, etc. BUT in reality, what they share are usually bits and pieces of tiny truths that are ALWAYS the direct opposite. Their immediate family eventually rejects their hideous actions or perversions that they have inflicted on them, but it is always somebody else’s fault. Everybody else picks up the slack for these creatures like raising a family, paying the bills and keeping up the real responsibilities in life. The real relationship with them is no give and all take but never care or love, it is all about serving the Narcissist – the rest is their fictional story that you believe that locked you into what you believed was a relationship. In time you realized the truth when their words and actions never backed up the façade they personally created for you.

You will fall out of grace when your eyes reflect the disdain of their lies and manipulation and you will enter a battle with them where they will destroy you for making them face the reality of who they really are. They will just run off after they have destroyed your integrity and start up a new life of abuse with someone else. Yet, deep down inside, the Narcissist is aware that their life is a sham, and they are vulnerable as far as being exposed and that is what they fear. They are always a step or ten ahead of the game and have gathered up every bit of personal information they can use against you to destroy your integrity so that your voice becomes weak and unheard when you start to speak out. Their out of control life is a constant reminder of how unstable their amazing world is AND how weak and feeble they really are! Clinically this is described as the Narcissist’s Grandiosity Gap – or it other words they are gift wrapped box that is EMPTY inside when you unwrap it.

The Narcissist can pretend to know everything, in every field of the human condition and is seamless with all of the knowledge that spills out. Again, they are all confabulations and lies that the Narcissist prevaricates to avoid the exposure of their real ignorance AND their dark world they MUST hide. Their knowledge and experience are just copycat information that has no basis of reality or is earned through realistic education, goals, hard work, relationship bonding, human compassion, real love, or anything else. AGAIN – they have no reality to back it up or empathy to understand life at any level! The Narcissist resorts to numerous prefabricated ‘imitations of life’ to support their God-like omnipotence. What goes on in the shadows is what really defines them and exists in their REAL world, and that is their vast neediness and out-of-control lifestyle that betrays all of life and love. You can take the power away from the Narcissist by removing yourself from their diabolical and delusional world and stop supplying them with your life. Start with no/minimal contact! Greg

How is a Narcissist able to walk around in our world and get away with emotional and psychological murder?

How is a Narcissist able to walk around in our world and get away with emotional and psychological murder?

From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists do not have ANY capacity to have healthy interactions with ANYBODY. They simply are not wired with the internal mechanisms to have these skills! How do they manage to imitate the normal human condition so well? Through observation and studying people and mimicking our behaviors. Again, they are basically predators that camouflage their true selves to remain undetected so they can con and then trap people into their world, otherwise their lack of emotions, empathy, compassion and everything else would scare people off. It is just a working façade for them to fit into society.

Narcissist are also very skilled in a manner to dissociate any real guilt or shame that they should feel about their betrayal, dehumanization and antisocial behaviors. This dissociation is like a force field that protects the Narcissist from seeing their real identity and realizing how cruel their actions actually are. This dissociation also prevents them from experiencing any guilt. Dissociation is a difficult concept to grasp and basically clinical in nature. It means to block out a thought or emotion and then projecting it onto and into someone else. In the real world we just say Narcissist DO NOT CARE and that is the basic reality with them. Watch them run off after they are exposed and start a whole new life again with new supply AND within days of ending their relationship with you. You will be blocked from their social networking sites, ostracized as being mentally insane, a liar, abusive to them, AND THEY HATE YOU. Just another HUGE wall they create to block how they abused another ‘ex!” They will even leave their biological children behind with a care!

OK so the nitty gritty to help you understand how a human being can be like this! Narcissists don’t live in the real world that you and I do. They live in their own world made up of fantasy, lies, delusions, deceit, and they lack any and all morals. They have their own ‘fantasy reality’ that everyone that has any part of their life must accept or they will be deemed crazy, punished, and even destroyed. They live in a world where they make up all the rules and then break all the rules. In this world everyone must think just like them or better yet approve everything that the Narcissist does without question or prejudice. If you are a part of their life you can never reflect anything that would reveal their true Identity or ask for accountability from them in ANY manner.

All of the Narcissist’s sins must be forgiven and accepted but YOU must be perfect and basically their servant and caretaker. Acceptance and adoration must be given to the Narcissist CONSTANTLY, but absolutely none is given to you in return. In their world ABUSE is how they reward your love and you must accept the abuse because that is all you are worthy of. You must support their deluded actions without blinking an eye, but if you breathe the wrong way you will be severely punished.

Living in their world will always involve gas-lighting, betrayal, pathological lying, isolation, triangulation, and extreme manipulation so they can keep their false identity in place. You constantly must tip toe around the Narcissist’s fragile ego to keep them happy so that their true identity and nature doesn’t rear its ugly face. Living in their world is like walking through a field of land mines or hidden bombs and you never know when they will explode but when they do the Narcissist is always there detonating them!

It is a distorted land of make believe and everything is fine as far as the Narcissist is concerned because it totally serves them. BUT it is a land of horrible secrets and painful lies for the victim. THE ONLY truth is a relative truth based on what YOU may believe the relationship really is or what you were conned into believing was real. YOUR relationship IS ONLY held together through fear, guilt, obligation and desperation – that and being a source of supply to this Narcissist until they find a replacement. This is a desperate love for you and a nonexistent love as it concerns a Narcissist because it is part of their working façade to ONLY pull you in and keep you as a source of supply until a better one comes along!

The Narcissist sabotages everything and everyone because NOBODY can be better or do better than the NARCISSIT! It is a place where your dreams will die quickly, and your self-esteem and self-worth die along with them. It is a place where caring, liking, or love does not exist at all! It doesn’t only occur in romantic relationships, it can be a family member, a friend, or even a boss, co-worker or somebody in your community – and a Narcissist will malign and severely damage everybody that has any sort of connection with them.

Suddenly after so much time together with this Narcissist your world is no longer the one you believed in. You question everyday reality, but most of all you question yourself. You wonder how you could have been so naive, foolish, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing, etc., etc. You were betrayed and duped in a hideous fashion by the great manipulator! It was just your turn to be a puppet for this Narcissist or replace old supply and shore up the Narcissists lies. You essentially became their safe haven after their last target/victim and just new supply.

YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns truth and reality in a very normal manner! BUT the Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through deception to make you BELIEVE they are like you in every way when they are the direct opposite and purely toxic. With all of their overt manipulation they make you believe they are so full of charm and love AND there is no reason NOT to reciprocate back with your love, devotion and TRUST. You see no other reason than to believe him/her because if the Narcissist acts like you (the NORMAL person), reciprocates by saying that he/she likes or loves you, then there is no reason not to believe him/her because in your past, people who acted in this manner and spoke these exact same words could be trusted. You only believed there was congruency or reality in the initial connection and you did what other normal people did and went with it because the Narcissist LIED so well and hid their secret perverted world from you! But not now because time has changed so many things. YOU TRUSTED THIS PERSON WITH YOUR LOVE!

Suddenly you learn that someone (the Narcissist) you trusted implicitly, be it a spouse, lover, family member, close friend, etc., has been putting you down, backstabbing you, lying, manipulating others against you, betraying you, and yet STILL maintaining a FALSE stance of intimacy, friendship, or LOVE with you. It is just impossible to understand because it is a horrendous betrayal, so your world becomes so unclear and now you have so much conflict and animosity about this.

Unfortunately, you are stuck between two worlds – one where you believed in their love and one where you see truth that it was a distorted love meant to harm you! A Narcissist loves to get into your head and gain control to satisfy their every need, then they enjoy devaluing you for letting them in and enjoy the process of the harm they inflict upon you. It is this power they love and need to survive.

There are so many areas of our lives that are impacted by the abuse that are so far reaching that it reached your deepest level of core beliefs and literally changes your identity! It is just never one area that is affected by this abuse, it is our emotional, spiritual, mental, and even our physical world that is seemingly altered forever! Each area requires its own recovery process and the reason why recovering takes a very long time, education, support, introspection and a STRONG will to get better – one in which you must completely purge this Narcissist out of your thoughts, heart, soul, and life forever. It all starts with no/minimal contact! Greg

Let these words completely resonate with you and provide clarity about a Narcissist and what they do – KNOWLEDGE is our road to true healing and moving forward! The aim of the emotional abuser is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence or CONTROL through trampling down or eroding any and all normal boundaries that we all deserve and need.

Let these words completely resonate with you and provide clarity about a Narcissist and what they do – KNOWLEDGE is our road to true healing and moving forward! The aim of the emotional abuser is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence or CONTROL through trampling down or eroding any and all normal boundaries that we all deserve and need. In an emotionally abusive relationship, you may feel isolated and disassociated – and like there is no way out or without this person you’ll have nothing OR lose everything. PEOPLE that have not experienced this do NOT understand the total scope of this hideous attack on our lives and the destruction it causes at every level of OUR once healthy life.

From my book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Here is the truth and very facts about this abuse! It is NOT the target/victim JUST grieving loss, be it love, a career, a friend, a family member, etc. – it is the grieving of the dehumanization and subjugation from their perpetrator or the toxic and abusive Narcissist. This is NOT a one time deal wither – it has been constant attacks and emotional and psychological attacks and undermining of the victim’s complete being! The target/victim bundles everything up and somehow even blames themselves as if they created everything they are feeling as well as deserve it because of the extreme emotional manipulation and brain-washing. There may be a career lost, family rejection, admonishment from the people closest to them, or even biological children involved with a marriage. Financial ruin may be an outcome, be it a career loss or even divorce, and character assassination waiting for the target/victim as well from the Narcissist’s smear campaign. This is probably the darkest time of the target/victim’s life having to deal with the total devaluation, rejection, discard, and devastation from someone that they BELIEVED in! This is betrayal so hideous that a person that has never experienced this abuse could never even start to realize the damage that is done to a target/victim.

It was pathological in such an extreme manner that it is just impossible to understand how another human being could be so cruel and abhorrent to lead a basically good, caring, and loving person down a road of psychological abuse that essentially could destroy or damage them for life. This is a feeling that nobody could ever understand – there are NO ADEQUATE words to describe the feeling of what this abuse does to a sane, loving and empathic person. To understand the time that is lost, the EXTREME betrayal, and the experience of feeling worthless AND punished for no other reason than the fact that you were at the wrong place at the WRONG time and chosen by a predator to be their next victim of abuse. It is incomprehensible and takes so much self-reflection, strength, courage, love, and validation and a new journey that we must embark upon to fix ourselves now. Sometimes it doesn’t happen because many targets/victims do not even understand that they have been abused, they are convinced that they were to blame and have issues concerning their mental health because the abuse was PYSCHOLOGICAL RAPE and MEANT to make them feel insane, crazy, etc. They were intentionally led down this road by a malignant Narcissist and the ABUSE has disabled them mentally so they also believe they ARE AT FAULT and live in that confusion and fog forever and NEVER recovering fully!

We mourn the loss of reality in our life, along with dreams, memories, time together, small laughs and shared experiences. We mourn the loss of our life as if a part of us was suffocated or died from this hideous abuse. Our emotional scars cause us to doubt and question the truth of this ugly reality where we lose faith in people as well as trust. We are merely disposable objects to them because we got in the way of THEIR self-serving agenda, and that is incomprehensible to us. It was subjugation pure and simple and we were conned into this relationship by a highly disordered individual that used our emotions to get us there – that is as low as it can get and that is what ALL abusers do to secure their target into their agenda.

Their personality disorder is so deeply ingrained into the cycles of this abuse that they are totally out of control and beyond ANY HELP WE COULD OFFER. They live a perverse lifestyle and have ridiculously bad judgment as it concerns any other human beings – they just don’t care what they do and hurting/destroying others is simply part of the process of getting everything they want. They simply don’t care who they hurt, be it there spouse, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, biological children, friend, co-worker and even their pets.

Ask yourself how many times this has happened in ANY relationship you have or had – be it a spouse, partner, friend, mother, father, sister, brother, co-worker, professional you seek out for care or help, boss, or any other person in your life. With emotional abuse it is ABUSE pure and simple – there is absolutely NO excuse for it, NOR do you deserve it, nor must you try to reconcile it EVER. We MUST embrace that word (abuse) as well as internalize the truth that we WERE abused by a very disordered, deranged, not fully functioning human being or whatever descriptive word you decide to use. But they are real and they meant to hurt us, damage us or even destroy us with a smile on their face and a dark empty soul. Taking charge of our life once again has its own reward too and that is the chance to grow in love again and you will! Now for the Narcissist there is no love and never will be any. They do not have a heart, mind or soul that is equipped to bond in any form or manner with another human being and they lack TOTAL empathy. They only know how to loathe and hate life and the people that live outside of their deranged and delusional world.

Now it is time that we have to ‘be real’ about all of this and do damage control to save ourselves, our families from this attack on our lives AND yes that is what it is. Just like being in war we must create and build a concrete bunker from this point on to protect ourselves from the enemy – or in real terms THIS ABUSE. Knowledge and education are imperative to recovering and being able to thrive — to accomplish this we must learn from our experiences and form healthy boundaries that disallow any toxic person from having access to our life. Greg

Narcissists are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim to extract their precious supply. They weaponize communication with every single transaction they have with us – using familiarity, our likes and dislikes, our secrets, our fears, and anything else they can!

Narcissists are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim to extract their precious supply. They weaponize communication with every single transaction they have with us – using familiarity, our likes and dislikes, our secrets, our fears, and anything else they can!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists use a vast arsenal of tools to debase, dehumanize and eventually destroy a person’s self-esteem, and overall spirit – this is psychological abuse pure and simple and they are ABUSERS. We have all heard this many times over, and it is a fact that these words are 100% true – BUT beyond this truth is the reality that there are many targets/victims that have to deal with the destruction caused by a malignant Narcissist. These targets/victims are not just wives, husbands, partners, but also biological children, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers and any other human being in every walk of life!

Narcissists CHARM people into their world and then reduce their spirits to worthlessness AND feeling so vulnerable and THAT is when they start with the psychological terrorism so that they can control their minds and basically use them or harvest them as a source of supply. A Narcissist will employ cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse and shrewd manipulative linguistic or language patterns to CONTROL people around them and force them to question their own sanity and reality AND in turn become dependent on the Narcissist for their reality. Narcissists will also smear their target/victim’s good nature/name behind their back destroying their integrity to others (friends, family, co-workers) so that THEY will also start questioning the sanity of the target/victim. It is like a game of “power and control” through the use of these various methods so that the Narcissist’s is always in charge of their immediate environment and controlling every aspect of it with lies, false appearances, triangulation, coning people, isolating their victims, etc. Narcissists have everybody around them fooled by their charm that hides their true pathological nature and that is what makes them dangerous because behind that mask of sanity is their deceptive agenda that will drain a victim of their worth, erase their personality, and then the Narcissist will just move onto another victim or victims!

When communicating, discussing, debating, or arguing with a Narcissist, a target/victim usually finds themselves at a COMPLETE dead-end. The target/victim’s logic always becomes incompatible or discombobulated with that of the Narcissist and the victim always get purposely outwitted and then steered in the opposite direction from the original topic, especially if it is around questioning them (the Narcissist) or accountability as it concerns the Narcissist. Basically, communicating with them is like walking through a “House of Mirrors” at a carnival. Every thought you express is distorted in so many different ways that you don’t even recognize the original thought and it causes complete confusion– just like your image in the many mirrors that are created to distort your image and make you lose track of your original starting point and destination.

THIS is my favorite analogy of how Narcissists negate most everything just to manage us down a little bit more and then even more! If you say the sky is blue the Narcissist will somehow negate the possibility of it being blue to make you wrong. The Narcissist may even hint that you have certain psychological issues concerning your thoughts about the sky being blue because he/she wants to manage you down. The Narcissist will back it up with concerns that your friends, family, or associates have about your “wild allegations” of the sky being BLUE. Then the Narcissist will accuse you of having an affair and using your story of the “blue sky” as a diversion tactic to trick THEM. Finally, that Narcissist will employ punishment and the silent treatment because of your argumentative views, lies and betrayal concerning your “blue sky” story. The Narcissist then runs out to find a little extra supply on the side to betray you since they now have some “free time” after the chaotic and wild “blue sky” story that has left you in shock, silenced and isolated. After a day or so they come back and tell you that IN FACT the sky is now blue as if the issue over the blue sky never even came up at all AND PERHAPS YOU OVERREACTED! You MAY even get flowers, or dinner, BUT you end up paying for it as usual! OH – and they will tell you that they were taking care of a sick relative and that is why you didn’t hear from them for that day or so that they disappeared. Do we call this denial on the Narcissist’s part that they are just this delusional or are they just denying us access to them using all of these “crazy and chaotic” diversions that deflect us away from the truth about them so they can get away with everything and anything? I say it is all diversions!

The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication to divert reality and cause chaos so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is at that very moment because THIS IS HOW THEY FUNCTION. This agenda is many things, but basically to secure supply, from us and from whoever else is willing to give them supply – it supports their false mask/persona. It took me a while to understand just how this worked, as well as how my Narcissist would divert from every aspect of their life/lifestyle. Everything was always a mystery as far as the past and present. Let me put it this way – everything was MEANT to be kept this way so I would never learn the truth about this Narcissist’s abusive past, out-of-control lifestyle, as well as a perverted lifestyle. Any time I would speak to this Narcissist’s mother I would find out about something that this Narcissist had lied about AND I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK because the truth just always seemed to come out on its own. So, you can imagine just how much this Narcissist was lying, re-writing history and every other little diabolical action. I was always kept at a distance from the Narcissist’s family, but of course told that I never made an attempt to get to know them – AGAIN just more diversion. Remember everything is OUR fault even the very horrendous things they do to us!

Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask, so beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live and we SUPPORT.

How does a simple question concerning accountability turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are and they HAVE to protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. They can NEVER see that real and horrible image of themselves reflected from any of us – that is why they create their amazing facades so the only reflection they see is the one they create that is all lies. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade. In the end when we KNOW the real truth they do a preemptive and silent attack with their smear campaign to completely destroy our integrity so no one will believe us when we start to tell the truth about this pathological critter.

Beneath that thin mask the Narcissist wears is the reality of their pathological self PLUS their WHOLE past of victims/targets they have abused and a raging temper that is like a volcano that can erupt at any given moment. YES, they are aware of their actions because they use lie after lie to cover up their abuse – but they just do not have the mechanics to care. Like a child that stole a piece of candy and lies about it to avoid being punished – so does the Narcissist at a monumental level. Remember their past is always following them and should they ever stop for a moment it will catch up with them and completely consume them because they are abusers that have damaged many people’s lives – even their own family. When the going gets tough the Narcissist gets going – so they are off and running to new supply ALWAYS surrounding themselves with a protective circle of new targets/victims, NEW LIES, as well as a new and WONDEROUS life to shore up their disordered facade AGAIN – and this equation ALWAYS includes the demise/destruction of the previous source of supply and the “believers” that support the delusional Narcissist! Thus, the cycle of abuse – they are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.

A Narcissist will also create vivid situations where they start a conversation off with an agenda in mind – one to create a smokescreen or diversion of some sort. They confuse the target/victim with chaos to perhaps divert a situation into an argument to be able to sneak out and secure some supply they acquired on the side, or just to debase a target/victim and keep them walking on eggshells or to cause constant anxiety to keep us CONDITIONED and a slave to their pathology. This is like being a POW or prisoner of war to the Narcissist – torture and all! This is what they do because what lives inside of them is such a disordered personality that if we were to even have a small glimpse of what they really are I believe we would be shocked even more by the reality of ALL THE TRUTH. I learned this about my Narcissist through talking to their friends and family and I never imagined that there was even more than what I experienced but there was/is, and the truth was beyond a capacity for me to understand. We see the tip of the iceberg and what is hidden beneath the water is monumental in size and so destructive to many people, especially IF THE TRUTH WOULD GET OUT!

Lies and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing reality, but the Narcissist also does this with an agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives, then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity! BUT here is the truth – you are an amazing person, you have all of your mental facilities, you can love, you have great empathy, and you are STRONG because you survived this and are here today. You will recover from this and be free from this abuser. It all starts now with education, knowledge and support. You will align with all of this and the truth of your situation and purge all of the abuse out of your life. It is a process that requires time but it is worth it because you will get your good life back and freedom. It all starts with no/minimal contact to get the clarity you need! Greg

What really defines a Narcissist that HIDES behind a mask ff morality, fortitude, goodness, and righteousness? The Narcissist is an EXTREME and ENTITLED egomaniac – and feels so deserving of everything in life – this is the totality of their infliction and what makes them a Narcissist because nothing else matters in their world except for their every need – AND they seriously don’t care who they HARM in the process because they do NOT posses EMPATHY.

What really defines a Narcissist that HIDES behind a mask ff morality, fortitude, goodness, and righteousness? The Narcissist is an EXTREME and ENTITLED egomaniac – and feels so deserving of everything in life – this is the totality of their infliction and what makes them a Narcissist because nothing else matters in their world except for their every need – AND they seriously don’t care who they HARM in the process because they do NOT posses EMPATHY. We are all stepping stones that they walk on and over to get what they want. ONCE we understand this and internalize this, we must NEVER engage with them or look back at them as anything but the predatory and destructive con-artist that they really are.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

They feel that they are BETTER than everybody and deserving of EVERYTHING they want in life and they will take it no matter if they harm, hurt or abuse people – or even break the law to do so and they just don’t care. They act as if they are royalty in life, and feel above and even insulted by any unworthy subjects – like YOU and I expecting his/her majesty’s affirmation or attention – we are there to serve. It is all part of the fictional novel going on in the Narcissist’s childish mind, that magnanimous work of fiction about themselves in which he/she is the star of a great masterpiece all about themselves.

Little children do the same thing in their play fantasies but THEY eventually grow up and deal in reality. The Narcissist totally IDENTIFIES with the fictional character that he/she creates in that mirror that is you and me. WE have a bit part in this show as a character (one of many) that exists to reflect the Narcissist’s greatness through our interactions with them period. They will always share how amazing they are and how they have so many friends, how their family and children love them, etc. BUT in reality, what they share are usually bits and pieces of tiny truths that are ALWAYS the direct opposite. Their immediate family eventually rejects their hideous actions or perversions that they have inflicted on them, but it is always somebody else’s fault. Everybody else picks up the slack for these creatures like raising a family, paying the bills and keeping up the real responsibilities in life. The real relationship with them is no give and all take but never care or love, it is all about serving the Narcissist – the rest is their fictional story that you believe that locked you into what you believed was a relationship. In time you realized the truth when their words and actions never backed up the façade they personally created for you.

You will fall out of grace when your eyes reflect the disdain of their lies and manipulation and you will enter a battle with them where they will destroy you for making them face the reality of who they really are. They will just run off after they have destroyed your integrity and start up a new life of abuse with someone else. Yet, deep down inside, the Narcissist is aware that their life is a sham, and they are vulnerable as far as being exposed and that is what they fear. They are always a step or ten ahead of the game and have gathered up every bit of personal information they can use against you to destroy your integrity so that your voice becomes weak and unheard when you start to speak out. Their out of control life is a constant reminder of how unstable their amazing world is AND how weak and feeble they really are! Clinically this is described as the Narcissist’s Grandiosity Gap – or it other words they are gift wrapped box that is EMPTY inside when you unwrap it.

The Narcissist can pretend to know everything, in every field of the human condition and is seamless with all of the knowledge that spills out. Again, they are all confabulations and lies that the Narcissist prevaricates to avoid the exposure of their real ignorance AND their dark world they MUST hide. Their knowledge and experience are just copycat information that has no basis of reality or is earned through realistic education, goals, hard work, relationship bonding, human compassion, real love, or anything else. AGAIN – they have no reality to back it up or empathy to understand life at any level! The Narcissist resorts to numerous prefabricated ‘imitations of life’ to support their God-like omnipotence. What goes on in the shadows is what really defines them and exists in their REAL world, and that is their vast neediness and out-of-control lifestyle that betrays all of life and love. You can take the power away from the Narcissist by removing yourself from their diabolical and delusional world and stop supplying them with your life. Start with no/minimal contact! Greg

EVERYONE has an expiration date with a Narcissist and your replacement has been waiting in the wings!! We are all just stepping stones in their world based on what they need. Some of us have major roles and some have minor roles – but none of us mean anything more or less than what we have to offer!

EVERYONE has an expiration date with a Narcissist and your replacement has been waiting in the wings!! We are all just stepping stones in their world based on what they need. Some of us have major roles and some have minor roles – but none of us mean anything more or less than what we have to offer!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

With all of the extreme confusion that surrounded the departure of this abusive Narcissist from your life you were left with significant and distorted messages that put the heavy burden of the blame onto and into you and those messages are still living in your mind and heart! This is the same confusion that always surrounded every aspect of the relationship and has now has reemerged and turned into more denial of the real truth with the discard. This denial has planted itself firmly in your life and keeps you in a constant state of limbo in your mind and your heart. It is really a chaotic conflict that keeps cycling back and forth inside of you. Consequently instead of confronting the reality (or truth) you keep turning to every other avenue to reach a closure that ISN’T based on reality and you BASICALLY reject that you were abused. You don’t really see that it was abuse because you were conditioned to see it as something about YOU that caused everything disparaging in this relationship. When a person is physically abused with a blackened eye for example, that singular action undeniably DEFINES it as abuse to you personally, as well as anyone that sees the damage. With psychological abuse there is no one singular action that leaves an outward bruise. Sometimes you are not even aware of all the actions and words that are harming you. The bruises are on the inside as well as the many scars that build up. It makes it extremely difficult to express the damage that lives in your heart, soul and mind because they are so many there in every level of your life. So where do you start to reconcile?

This is basically conditioning as in being ‘brainwashed’ by a very manipulative, cunning, and disordered person AND a pro at it! That Narcissist wanted you to BELIEVE that they REALLY loved you at first, but when they REALLY got to know you in such a personal/loving manner then all of a sudden THEY realized that YOU really had all of these horrible issues and that YOU were REALLY defective and abusing them. REALLY? They have been sending this message to you subtly from the very first day they met you and then stepped it up with the devaluation and discard because that expiration date was inevitable. The Narcissist has been out there securing MORE supply probably the same day they met you! So, look at the focus and where it was aimed – at your vulnerable loving heart and mind! Why doesn’t a Narcissist just take the goods and run when they are caught? Why do they have to play such harsh psychological games to harm people? Why do they have to destroy as much of you as they can? First because they are ONLY A FAÇADE and don’t have any real filters to control the real envy and loathing of life that resides inside of them and everything and everyone is a threat to their delicate world so they demean and malign ALL people that share any space with them. Secondly, so they can keep abusing new people and avoiding exposure by destroying the evidence or the last person they abused!

Simply put this is just part of the agenda that enables them to MOVE ON by blaming you (devaluing) and then discarding you! This is them getting away with their abuse and justifying it. This very astute con artist got everything they wanted with their big love scam and they needed to move on and find better supply because you just weren’t serving them and they got bored and went out looking for something better (they were always looking anyway)! There was never any real love! They were ALWAYS looking for more supply even when things were supposedly good. So when you reached your ‘expiration date’ they were off to a new target/victim and unscathed because they had an alibi (blaming everything on you) like every criminal does and the dysfunctional people that believe them and support them! Their alibi enables them to avoid exposure by discrediting you completely! Job well done and the Narcissist is off and running. Don’t try to make them accountable because they will start a war with you that will literally drive the point home that if you play with them they will discredit you with words (LIES) that can damage you for a lifetime. This is their lifestyle, this is their disorder, this is always what they do, this is their pattern, this is abuse, and THIS IS A NARCISSIST!

It is virtually impossible to absorb such painful information AND the truth all at once. Your heart still yearns for what you were persuaded to believe during the ‘love bombing’ that this WAS somehow love! Your mind is still overwhelmed with the memories of the so called good times with the Narcissist – YET the truth about the infidelity, the constant lies and deception, the manipulation and the backstabbing, the constant breakups and returns can no longer be denied because the truth is staring at you in the eyes! You can’t undo the damage AND everything you have learned about the Narcissist. You can’t return to the point of original innocence and the total blindness. The ‘end result’ is this contradictory existence and a HUGE internal battle clinging to the denial or accepting the real truth. How many times did you do this in the relationship by returning to a day or two of fake happiness and then it was right back to the same old same old? This is the definition of cognitive dissonance!

Cognitive dissonance is this inner contradiction concerning the target/victim’s attitude towards their abuser (the Narcissist.) It is by far not logical or normal thinking, but more of a defense mechanism for coping with the extreme deception, domination, control and abuse. Targets/victims engage in cognitive dissonance, in an attempt to reconcile the contradictory actions, words and behavior of a toxic or disordered individual that has taken over their lives. Yes, taken over their lives!

The denial takes on several different forms. First it can manifest itself as hanging onto the idealization (believing it WAS love) or still hanging onto the false hopes and beliefs from the trap that lured you in (the love bombing!) It can also shift in a manner that we do blame ourselves for what went wrong with the relationship or perhaps even shifting the blame to the person that the Narcissist was cheating with or the new supply (the ‘other’ man or woman) instead of holding the Narcissist accountable for their actions! It is by far easier to blame someone you’re not emotionally invested in than someone you love, particularly if you still cling to that person or relationship. Remember the ‘new supply’ is no part of this and they are being conned and psychologically abused as well. It is only a matter of time that the ‘new supply’ will be in this same place!

You are disabled by their HUGE con and not truly capable of accepting any part of the reality because of the constant brainwashing which now becomes your vulnerability in all of this! The TRUTH or reality of the situation that it was abuse becomes suppressed and surfaces as anxiety, depression, self-blaming, worthlessness, fear, and trauma AND from the VERY messages that were pounded into your head and now your heart by this person you invested your time and perhaps life into. Rather than confronting this reality, targets/victims entirely go into a place of denial like they were conditioned to do by their abuser. It is not that you are just that stupid or that much of a fool that you totally allowed this relationship to put you here. You were CONTINUALLY managed down by seamless manipulation slowly but surely and day by day until all of these scenarios became a way of life for you. Little by little you accepted your role with this Narcissist. Now little by little you must purge these negative messages out and replace them with the truth and positive messages about yourself! Introspection will become your next step in recovery once you actualize the real truth of your situation. You will look for your personal weaknesses and create new boundaries and a healthier lifestyle. That is when you will put the emphasis TOTALLY into yourself to move forward without any singular thought of this Narcissist. You will take the Narcissist’s power away from them by completely removing them from your life which in turn empowers YOU to gain the clarity and strength to heal from the damage that was caused by your association with them. Educating yourself and accepting the TRUTH that this was abuse will take the power completely away from the abuser. Moving forward AND completely away from this person gives YOU your power back and will lead you to more clarity, recovery and the healing you need. THIS is only accomplished by No/Minimal contact! Greg

FACT – this is not/was not a NORMAL relationship by any means – it is an attack on our world and life by a personality disordered NARCISSIST. They start their attack by using extreme CHARM to fool us into believing in them AND THEIR AGENDA, and then they start attacking our well-being after they have gained our trust and approval.

FACT – this is not/was not a NORMAL relationship by any means – it is an attack on our world and life by a personality disordered NARCISSIST. They start their attack by using extreme CHARM to fool us into believing in them AND THEIR AGENDA, and then they start attacking our well-being after they have gained our trust and approval. It is a premeditated agenda to say the least! We MUST stop making ANY excuses for them or believing in them, thinking about them, or ruminating about what happened if we are to move forward to recovery and a healthy life.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

Narcissists intentionally use their extreme manipulation to manage people down and WHY? To CONTROL their target’s ability to think correctly by constantly twisting and distorting their thoughts and making them feel like they (the target) have LOST control over themselves or losing it.

Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory, and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (gas-lighting). Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out to you. They also make you believe you are ‘losing it’ or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation or CONTROL that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly ‘shifts and changes’ and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!

So where did that care or ‘love’ go? Until the fact sinks in that their time with us or anybody is never a ‘relationship’, but instead more of a pathological parasite feeding off you/us — you just won’t get Malignant Narcissism. You will keep acting on the premise that the Narcissist has some feelings ‘JUST’ for you, or some sort of conscience, morals, ‘cares for’ or even loves you – and that premise couldn’t be further from the truth. It NEVER makes sense to you, so you keep blaming yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to do as if everything is always your fault. You are always wondering whether it is you, or it is YOU that has temporarily lost your ability to relate NORMALLY in your relationship, or better yet you are crazy like your Narcissist is telling you. NO, no, no, no, no, no – it is the Narcissist that is ‘that crazy one’ or clinically has the ‘personality disorder.’ Well it is classified as a personality disorder but still in all it is chaotic and crazy behavior or better yet dehumanizing, demeaning, debasing, and destructive behavior to make you think YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. Control is power to an abuser so whether you are attacked physically or attacked mentally with hideous, destructive and manipulating words, it is abuse from a disordered person, one that is not a fully functioning human being that lacks total empathy and love for their fellow man/womankind. You don’t intentionally CONTROL, harm, hurt, or destroy any creature on this planet for ANY REASON and these monsters do it every waking moment of their lives. Knowledge is power that gives us clarity to move forward! Greg

So, WHAT is behind the Narcissist’s attack on our integrity with the backstabbing and the SMEAR campaign? Let’s call it what it really is, a completely disordered and pathological person (the Narcissist) SLANDERING our good name to get away with emotional and psychological abuse! We are damned if we do or damned if we don’t respond but basically the Narcissist gets away with abusive behavior and people believe them and WE are left having to fight to get our integrity back?

So, WHAT is behind the Narcissist’s attack on our integrity with the backstabbing and the SMEAR campaign? Let’s call it what it really is, a completely disordered and pathological person (the Narcissist) SLANDERING our good name to get away with emotional and psychological abuse! We are damned if we do or damned if we don’t respond but basically the Narcissist gets away with abusive behavior and people believe them and WE are left having to fight to get our integrity back?

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Many, if not all Narcissists completely get away with their psychological terrorism and they basically murder their targets self-esteem, mind, soul AND their integrity with their backstabbing and ‘smear campaign!’ Be it the bullying, slander, or abuse or things that should be prosecutable offenses and they do this all of their lives. So just how do they get away with it all without any consequences AND why do people believe them? WELL, first off because the Narcissist KNOWS that they are creating outrageous and dehumanizing acts against people and humanity – they also think up ways to avoid the consequences, especially because of what they fear the most – EXPOSURE of who they are and what they do! Funny how this works – they do not care in the least bit as far as how they damage people, but they make sure that NOBODY is ever wise to their actions – BUT that describes a personality disordered person – toxic, chaotic, unstable and abusive!

A couple simple approaches to understanding this craziness and chaos. A Narcissist uses targeted confusion, lies and manipulation with backstabbing and that smear campaign OR divide and conquer – this also helps divert the attention away from the Narcissist who is the culprit. SO THE BIG PLAN – that shrewd Narcissist destroys the victim’s credibility well in advance, so they are ten steps ahead of the game by destroying the victim’s integrity well before they abandon them – it makes ‘getting away’ easier for the Narcissist. They are by far NOT geniuses, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you want to get away with something like abusing someone, you first launch an effective and destructive pre-emptive attack on their character, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when the truth finally starts emerging that they (target/victim) was abused. Here is the formula for the Narcissist to be successful at this – abuse and then accuse your target/victim of the very atrocity they (the Narcissist) has committed and BOOM you are on top of your game to escape the exposure. They have been backstabbing/smearing us behind our backs from the very first day that we met them – but we were very distracted by the CHARM and ‘love bombing’ and growing trust with this creature OR just us being a normal and empathic human being that opened up our hearts and giving our TRUST to them implicitly. Meanwhile that dark Narcissistic creature was using that information against you by ‘being in the know’ about personal situations when they needed it and building up their minions, flying monkeys or Narcissistic support soldiers.

The basic facts of life as it concerns those people that love to put themselves in the middle to judge others, or the Narcissist’s best friends and supporters or MINIONS – they are toxic and basically abusers too. BUT the bigger lesson of “damned if we do or damned if we don’t” is the culprit here too! Everybody knows that when somebody defends themselves from accusations with accusations, the majority will always believe the one who accused first. The views of the person DEFENDING themselves (the victim) are then looked at as questionable or the scorned one and retaliating as if the target/victim were caught in OR did the outrageous things that the Narcissist has alleged. This is irrational, because the initial accuser (the Narcissist) is the attacker and there is no more reason to believe one party over the other but people do! Lastly if we don’t make an attempt to stand up or defend our integrity we are guilty by the design of the disordered Narcissist’s smear campaign. No win situation for the target or victim, especially when they are already vulnerable from the ABUSE and basically a shell of a person.

So, people DO believe the Narcissist first. The more preposterous the Narcissist’s accusations, the more firmly people believe them because they got there first spreading their poisonous lies! It is like when a child comes forward with accusations of abuse, people are going to (or basically have to) believe the child to get to the truth about the allegations. Any and all preposterous accusations will always yield very strong attention to the subject matter because you just can’t walk away from such a dangerous and damaging situation without offering support because it would seem if the person listening didn’t care or lacked the empathy to help the lying Narcissist out. Just the shrewd monster acting out their destructive agenda.

The disordered Narcissist commits moral mayhem by destroying the victim’s reputation, credibility, and integrity so that nobody will believe the target/victim when they start to tell the truth. Truthfully this description of mayhem that the Narcissist uses to destroy the target/victim’s integrity is purely projection, so the Narcissist gets a bonus by dumping their demons onto us as well AND we take the blame and shame that they deserve in reality! Thus with the Narcissist this preemptive back-stabbing and smear campaign allows the Narcissist to reduce the target/victim to such a vulnerable and helpless state that it compounds the abuse at the highest level by accusing the target/victim of being the abuser as well. Remember that the Narcissist used the ‘familiarity’ of knowing us personally to ‘be in the know’ about many of our situations and that familiarity will yield semi-valid but distorted ‘personal’ information and connections to events and other people. In other words, their smear campaign will be laced with small bits and pieces of a distorted truth that listeners can relate to. So there you have it – the Narcissist carries out their abuse to fruition with their ‘smear campaign’ after they have discarded their victim and that gives them the protection to run off unscathed. If I had to use a word to describe what they do it would be purely ‘slander’ born out of destructive lies to harm another person. We have to remember that what they have said is ALL lies as well as consider that any so called ‘friends’ that know us AND would believe those lies without asking us is not worth our consideration yet alone our friendship. No/minimal contact to get away from this madness once and for all! Greg

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