Category Archives: Narcissism

It is time for the journey back home to YOU because after Narcissistic abuse – there is light, life, and love!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

With all of the extreme confusion that surrounded the departure of this abusive Narcissist from your life you were left with significant and distorted messages that put the heavy burden of the blame onto and into you and those messages are still living in your mind and heart! This is the same confusion that always surrounded every aspect of the relationship and has now reemerged and turned into more denial of the real truth with the discard. This denial has planted itself firmly in your life and keeps you in a constant state of limbo in your mind and your heart. It is really a chaotic conflict that keeps cycling back and forth inside of you. Consequently, instead of confronting the reality (or truth) you keep turning to every other avenue to reach a closure that ISN’T based on reality and you BASICALLY reject that you were abused by a predator and Narcissist. You don’t really see that it was abuse because you were conditioned to see it as something about YOU that caused everything disparaging in this relationship. When a person is physically abused with a blackened eye for example, that singular action undeniably DEFINES it as abuse to you personally, as well as anyone that sees the damage. With psychological abuse there is no one singular action that leaves an outward bruise. Sometimes you are not even aware of all the actions and words that are harming you. The bruises are on the inside as well as the many scars that build up. It makes it extremely difficult to express the damage that lives in your heart, soul and mind because there are so many there in every level of your life. So where do you start to reconcile?

This is basically conditioning as in being ‘brainwashed’ by a very manipulative, destructive, and cunning person AND a pro at it! That Narcissist wanted you to BELIEVE that they REALLY loved you at first, but when they REALLY got to know you in such a personal/loving manner all of a sudden they realized that YOU really had all of these horrible issues and that YOU were REALLY defective and maybe even had issues concerning YOUR mental health, AND abusing them. REALLY – they NEVER loved you – they were seducing you into their manipulative agenda to objectify you or use you as supply? They have been sending these ‘blame messages’ to you subtly from the very first day they met you and then stepped it up with the devaluation and discard because that expiration date was inevitable. The Narcissist has been out there securing MORE supply probably the same day they met you! So, look at the focus and where it was aimed – at your vulnerable loving heart and mind! Why doesn’t a Narcissist just take the goods and run when they are caught? Why do they have to play such harsh psychological games to harm people? Why do they have to destroy as much of you as they can? So, they can keep abusing new people and avoiding exposure by destroying the evidence or the last person they abused!

Simply put this is just part of the agenda that enables them to MOVE ON by blaming you (devaluing) and then discarding you! This is them getting away with their abuse. This very astute con artist got everything they wanted with their big love scam and NOW they needed to move on and find different supply because you just weren’t serving them right anymore. The truth is that they got bored and went out looking for something else – as a matter of fact they were ALWAYS on the lookout for their next source of supply! There was never any real love, and this is what we must understand! They were ALWAYS looking for more supply even when things were supposedly good. So again, when you reached your ‘expiration date’ they were off to a new target/victim and unscathed because they had an alibi (blaming everything on you) like every criminal does and dysfunctional people (minions) that believe them and support them! Their alibi enables them to avoid exposure by discrediting you completely! Job well done, and the Narcissist is off and running and WHO is be blamed for all of this? Here is a very important point – don’t try to make them accountable because they will start a war with you that will literally drive the point home that if you play with them, they will discredit you with words (LIES) that can damage you for a lifetime. This is their lifestyle, this is their disorder, this is always what they do, this is their pattern, this is abuse, and THIS IS A NARCISSIST! Right now your freedom and ability to get clarity is important so you can get healthy and NOT dragged down into more of their darkness. Engage with them or not, that Narcissist is STILL going to smear your good name and the people that believe these lies are not friends or people that care about you.

You have been disabled by their HUGE con job and not truly capable of accepting any part of the reality because of the constant brainwashing which now becomes your vulnerability in all of this! The TRUTH or reality of the situation that it was abuse becomes suppressed and surfaces as anxiety, depression, self-blaming, worthlessness, fear, and trauma – the VERY messages that were pounded into your head and now your heart. Rather than confronting this reality, targets/victims entirely go into a place of denial like they were conditioned to do by their abuser. It is not that you are just that stupid or that much of a fool that you totally allowed this relationship to put you here. You were CONTINUALLY managed down by seamless manipulation slowly but surely and day by day until all of these scenarios became a way of life for you – or your new normal. Little by little you accepted your role with this Narcissist but in reality you were a product of emotional and psychological abuse. Now little by little you must purge these negative messages out and replace them with the truth and positive messages about yourself! Introspection will become your next step in recovery once you actualize the real truth of your situation. You will look for your personal weaknesses and create new boundaries and a healthier lifestyle. That is when you will put the emphasis TOTALLY into yourself to move forward without any singular thought of this Narcissist. That is why breaking the emotional connection and bond with them and allowing yourself the time and clarity to actualize the truth is so important or no/minimal contact to start this process.

You CAN be in control of this situation! BUT you will slow your progress to a screeching halt if you go to the trouble of fulfilling the no contact rule and then obsess about making contact, trying to fix things, work things out, or engage with ANY of their chaos. It totally defeats the purpose of no contact if you keep an ongoing dialogue and/or any connection with them. As they say you can’t see the forest for the trees – but now it is time that you do.!

Think about the reason why you may obsess about these monsters and make contact. It is because we want them to validate all of that emotional expenditure that we provided through loving them and NOW add the pain and having to grieve the abuse and finding some sort of closure! It won’t happen because this Narcissist would have NEVER put you in this position in the first place if he/she REALLY knew love or better yet REALLY loved you. REMEMBER they are ABUSERS and they aren’t going to turn around and fix this or you because their agenda was to control, disable and harm you. If you think they are going to suddenly realize your worth, when no other human being in this world has any worth to them beyond an object to use, then you need to do a reality check until you get to the point that you understand that they are destructive and dangerous to you and your life. Their departure is really a miracle that will start you out on your road to recovery and complete freedom from them so please make this foremost in your thoughts.

Seriously ask yourself if you could imagine your Narcissist saying this to you – ‘I’ve been emotionally unavailable, I’ve had NUMEROUS affairs, I intentionally manipulated you, gas-lighted you, tried to drive you to the point of insanity, ignored and silenced you, blamed you for everything, projected darkness onto and into you, constantly ignored your needs, used you, extorted and stole from you, and made your life a living hell, AND I WAS ABUSIVE.’ Then imagine them saying that they suddenly realize your worth and how valuable you are to them and they want to be together with you to fix ALL OF THIS. First why would you want a person that has taken you down so far to ever be any part of your life? Second, they are NOT emotionally available for you or anyone and they are off and abusing their next target/victim! They are like criminals living out a life of crime. Don’t forget how they smeared you, your name and then tried to destroy your integrity to avoid exposure and the truth of what they are, and also ask yourself WHO would do something like this. How could you forget ANY of this in a manner to accept them back into your life – and then how many times have you accepted them back into your life to end up abused over and over again. You must move TOTALLY on and away from them being anything in your life. Forget them completely so you can start recovering because it is integral in surviving this abuse AND moving forward.

To truly move forward to recovery, you can’t make your abuser (the Narcissist) the focal point of your life AND your recovery. They are what they are, and you have had personal experience which more than defines their character and agenda! You have to make YOU the focal point of YOUR life now. This time of grieving, healing, and regrouping with you is an opportunity to get real about the relationship that has just ended, and you have to look at you and your personal relationship with yourself with open eyes and the reality that it was abuse that has brought you to this place of despair. So many times, I have heard targets, victims, and survivors say that they want to be able to get past it all, to move on, and they want it all to just be over with so they can live again. The wanting is only part of the battle, a very important part, but the rest of it takes longer and demands introspection, education, support and the need to accept that this Narcissist was AND always is a potential danger if you let them be any part of your thoughts OR life. There is no magical kiss from the prince/princess Narcissist that will awaken you from this this doom, because they are the one that gave you the apple that poisoned you in the first place! Your own care, love, and self-compassion will awaken you and return you back to a fulfilling and real life because you ARE an amazing person with the ability to beat this! No/minimal contact to start on this journey back to YOU! Greg

A pathological liar does not even start to describe a Narcissist’s use of lies when they are on the prowl for their supply!

They lie to weasel their way in and out of any situation and come up smelling like a rose. They are ULTRA-pathological liars in every sense of the definition to hide their hideous and perverted lifestyle. This is the sad reality of any human connection with them and keep that connection going and it turns out personally disastrous and destructive as the truth becomes evident that they are not fully functioning human beings and they will take your life down with them.

They create many theatric roles to cover every possible range of life to get supply. My point here is that they can also be highly ‘respectable ACTING individuals’ in any facet of life like a therapist, judge, law enforcement personnel, a doctor, preacher, or just about anything. They will most assuredly use their power and authority to create intimidation, chaos, drama, divide and conquer, and of course admiration, and respect BUT they are still abusers. They might even be that bad boy or girl that has many tattoos, piercings, chains, motorcycles, fancy cars, brash and loud, etc. Then again, they can also be the lovable and huggable ‘big ole teddy bear’ type of person full of hugs and kisses. They are just everywhere because their ‘false mask and persona’ is what we see first and not the personality disorder.

Another word you will hear as it concerns a Narcissist is that they always APPEAR magnanimous. All that really means is that they have to appear to be the better person (part of that façade) that always takes that higher road of being ‘better’ than you AND they will most assuredly point out your many mistakes. They have many rules, regulations and laws that they make everybody ABIDE by, but they NEVER honor these same rules, laws or regulations which make them pathological hypocrites as well as pathological liars. The reality is they blame and shame you for things they constantly do behind your back. Well the truth here is that this is really projection where they are describing themselves and by doing so they are dumping their shame and blame onto and into you. They will also use their magnanimousness later to trash and destroy you. You MUST look up to a Narcissist, so they can look down on you – and THEY make sure of this!

It is ABSOLUTELY amazing how a Narcissist can cover their tracks to hide what can only be described as their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle and world. It is too bad the world cannot see THIS first instead of their extreme CHARM trap. Again, their façade is built on lies – and we could say that their WHOLE life is a lie. Remember they are not doing this just to be the amazing actors that they are. These are deceptive and abusive personalities that need this disguise to extort people and life using whatever instrument of abuse they can to achieve their agenda. NO/minimal contact!

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

So where did the care and love go? There never was ANY care or love ‘to go’ anywhere because there wasn’t a real person there with us that had a will or a capacity to love!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

So where did that ‘care and love’ go? Until the fact sinks in that the Narcissist’s time with you/us or anybody else is NEVER a ‘relationship’ but instead more of a pathological parasite feeding off of you/us, you just won’t “get” that you are really dealing with a personality disordered Narcissist. You will keep acting on the premise that the Narcissist has some feelings ‘JUST’ for you, or some sort of conscience, morals, ‘cares for’ or even loves you – and that premise couldn’t be further from the truth. It NEVER makes sense to you, so you keep blaming yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to do as if everything is your fault. You are always wondering whether it is you, OR it is YOU that has temporarily lost your ability to relate NORMALLY in your relationship, or better yet you are crazy like your Narcissist is telling you. NO, no, no, no, no, no – it is the Narcissist that is crazy or clinically has the ‘personality disorder’. Well it is classified as a personality disorder but still in all it is CRAZY behavior or better yet dehumanizing, demeaning, debasing, and destructive behavior to make you think YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. Control is power to an abuser so whether you are attacked physically with a fist or attacked mentally with hideous, destructive and manipulating words, it is abuse from a disordered person, one that is not a fully functioning human being that lacks total empathy and love for their fellow man/womankind. You don’t intentionally CONTROL, harm, hurt, or destroy any creature on this planet for ANY REASON and these creatures do it every waking moment of their lives.

Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there:

Attacking your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your “buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.” It is control pure and simple!

The Narcissist can and will even go so far as always threatening “your basic security” with them which could include ending the relationship if you do not conform, dating other people, affairs, silencing or use other controlling fear tactics. They are trying to drive the point home that this is all YOU as in having the real problem and YOU NEED TO CHANGE – but there is nothing you can do to please them.

They are very unpredictable with their day to day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts or even rage. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable or normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos and gas-lighting) and always feeling you have to explain yourself.

This behavior is damaging, and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused and controlled ALWAYS waiting for the next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO ACT so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you once were or the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their control and abuse.

They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain the MOST CONTROL they can over you. Be it making fun of you, belittling you, criticizing you, name calling, screaming at you, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making you the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you and make you solely dependent on them. They have to have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.

Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you. In turn you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them be it love, friendship, co-worker, family, etc. Somewhere you have gotten totally LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must be or else you are wrong and every interaction with them will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give it’s never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all of this person’s needs and AGAIN you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.

Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche, self-worth, emotional stability, and anxiety provoking causing you to constantly feel confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and as well as making you believe you are losing your mental capacity or you have many issues that need fixed and all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. This is dehumanization, sadistic, and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!

A Narcissist doesn’t acknowledge individuality or even like other people (remember we are just objects to use.) Along with this premise the Narcissist doesn’t care about being liked – THEY DEMAND to be admired, feared, and favored, (as well as completely extorting their targets to get supply.) They don’t care about getting along with people, and a Narcissist is no more capable of considering the consequences of their actions than a rock would. There is no consideration for anybody or anything with a Narcissist and nothing is ever about what they manipulate you into believing instead it is always all about their omnipotence, superiority or ego instead or their fake façade. They HAVE to exploit EVERY single interaction with us to gratify THEIR needy ego at your ego’s expense or even DESTRUCTION. There’s no end to it. It’s exasperating, and you never get through that brick wall a Narcissist throws up in front of you constantly, so always remember how much time you have tried to break down barriers to “fix” things. Everything would just bounce back to you as more blame and shame from the Narcissist. It was a relationship that was meant to deny you every bit of gratification and instead the Narcissist was always ‘taking’ every bit of gratification (supply) they could for their vast needy void.

This is the reality with a Malignant Narcissist be it a wife, husband, partner, brother, sister, friend, mother, father or whomever. There is and never was ANY type of a real relationship, just time lost with a disordered, destructive, and abusive person and great loss. There is no closure to this abuse because there is no real person, so we only have the sad truth to embrace to start us out on a realistic path of recovery AND yes heal and join life again. An interaction with a Narcissist is ALWAYS damaging and destructive to people – that is why we are all here sharing to educate and help resolve these issues with all targets.

A little personal example to shed a little more light on how they reach into every aspect of your life to manage you down completely. A while back I was talking to a friend that knew my Narcissist. My friend was curious about the abuse and my best answer to my friend was that what this Narcissist had done to me was just too incredulous and hideous and I just couldn’t explain it in terms that didn’t make me out to sound like I was crazy or making this up. My friend replied, I understand because your Narcissist came over to our house out of the blue putting you down and making you out to be a monster. My friend knew better because we were good friends for many years prior to this. People just don’t drop over out of the blue to backstab the person that they are in a relationship with. But a Narcissist’s world is so convoluted that this is common practice for them with their preemptive attacks to back-stab the good and loving people in their life to destroy their integrity. Why? Because they ENVY and hate that we have a real spirit that loves life and people AND people and life LOVE US BACK, so they have to triangulate or divide and conquer to spread the poison and destruction to bring us to their darkness.

No Contact – shut these monsters and their vermin minions out of your life so you can live again because there is no reality living with them only destruction! Water always finds its level – and these creatures do meet up with their karma just by the process of intentionally hurting so many people (and family) and everybody just avoids them completely. You may not always see it like a huge lit up billboard that says, “this Narcissist met their karma,” but look under a few rocks and you will find them there alone and in the darkness that they only created for themselves! No/minimum contact because you are an amazing person that deserves your good life back! Greg

Narcissists are extreme CHARMERS in public or when they want something!

It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism to) HAVEN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who don’t have a personal connection or primary role in their life to see reality of who and what they REALLY are. Once you get emotionally close to a Narcissist, THEN AND ONLY THEN do you get to see them drop their carefully crafted and charming mask that hides the out-of-control and abusive creature hiding behind it AND that is after they have TOTALLY fooled and conned you into their world.

A Narcissist is so seductive that he/she makes you believe in him/her with your whole heart, mind and soul. Unfortunately for all who tread on this emotional rollercoaster with a Narcissist they don’t realize just how dangerous this connection with them is – HOW would we because in the beginning it is rewarding.

The charm a Narcissist utilizes creates an oblivious feeling of being connected or very attracted to most everything about them. We can become fascinated with someone because of their physical beauty BUT a charming and captivating Narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks can definitely increase the magnetic pull towards the Narcissist, but that is not at the core of this abuse, it is the manufactured charm that is a psychologically and deceptive tool used to manipulate, condition, manage you down and control you.

They charm people to death (figuratively) and this is what literally attracts us to them. But with a Narcissist it is a magnetism that makes you feel a sort of hypnotizing attraction that manifests itself in your psyche and your soul! In reality you are being charmed by their power of REFLECTING back everything that is YOU creating this intoxicating and deep-rooted bond. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you’ve known them a long time, soul mates, or you feel very safe with them – perhaps you have known them in a prior life or whatever fantasy belief that Narcissist has instilled in your mind.

This is the Narcissists goal and they are the biggest con artists that exist, and they mean to extort everything they can from you. They have unlocked the door to your head and they are planning on using that entry to their advantage. They will move right in manipulate and manage down most everything that is your reality as you KNEW it. A skilled and extreme Narcissist knows just how to reflect your image right back onto you so that you feel like you are almost twins. What’s not to like and trust when you have EVERYTHING in common?

A Narcissist creatively figures out some unique and impressive angle quickly, and one that few people would ever engage in. Basically, they are manipulating your emotions to gain entry into your heart and mind. Narcissists can typically manipulate most people with their extreme CHARM. They are always ten steps ahead of you, so much so that it is uncanny. They are very QUICK with these unique approaches and “BAM” they have swept you off of your feet and keep you there to get something YOU have that THEY want. What else is there to do but bask in the glow of this unique relationship! You are undeniably intrigued by everything about them. When your relationship sours because the ugly truth rears itself with a Narcissist, you better duck for cover and be ready for a whole lot of damage control. ALSO, they have their minions or support team on the outside world that will take up their cause WHEN they start to destroy your integrity. CHARM is their tool to create their entourage and protectors. Their whole world is fake and they construct each and every component of it to effectively protect themselves.

Again, they are ten steps ahead of you and have already thought through how you will react and are ready to discredit, disable, and destroy you. You can trust that they are determined to humiliate and obliterate you to avoid exposure of the truth that they are abusive predators. More than likely they have already started another relationship well before they ended the relationship with you. It is always about a constant source of new supply and they will keep up this abusive cycle all throughout their lives. NO/Minimal Contact! Knowledge is your power to getting to recovery.

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Idealize, devalue, discard AND repeat again – but NEVER a real relationship, a bond, or LOVE! A Narcissist processes ALL people into objects or sources of supply!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

Each step makes sense once you grasp and embrace the profile of a Narcissist and how they cycle their targets into their agenda. Biologically they are a human being, but they live for the pleasure of controlling and harming others to get what they want. This is a fact however we want to describe it clinically or otherwise because they cannot internalize emotions, feelings, care, love or ANTHING because they just don’t bond with people at all – they use and abuse them! So, Narcissists have to get their ‘kicks’ or their fix of Narcissistic happiness through externalization or through objectifying people and TAKING what they want and moving on to the next shiny object that they are attracted to. Understanding what they are and accepting it as reality doesn’t mean that we have ANY lack of empathy for a human being that has a personality disorder – it just means that they ARE WHAT THEY ARE and they will cause a vast amount of emotional and psychological destruction to everyone and anyone that has any type of relationship with them and THAT has to be our focus so we move on and away from them because we cannot fix or heal them. We can’t dismiss the destructive nature of a Narcissist. So here is what it is all about!

The steps of a toxic relationship with a Narcissist or how they take us from CHARM to HARM:

IDEALIZE – this is like the honey moon phase with the Narcissist but in reality it is not YOU that is being ‘idealized’ but instead whatever the Narcissist wanted from you and only for however long he/she wants it – WE ARE JUST AN OBJECT TO THEM and nothing more. They CHARM us with amazing articulation and that is the vehicle that drives us to believe in the Narcissist, even trust them and unfortunately love them. Narcissists do an assessment of their romantic partners (their next victim) — during this assessment phase the Narcissist interacts very closely with their targets to see what makes them tick. They ask intimate questions, to discover our unfulfilled needs and weaknesses. They will also lure their targets with promises to offer them whatever has been missing from their lives. If you’re recovering from a recent break up or divorce, they offer you friendship and an exciting new romantic relationship. Whatever superficial bond they can create to completely win you over and gain your trust.

DEVALUE – once the Narcissist has manipulated you into their lair of lies and deceit, they manage their victim down into the depths of their pathology. Like a malignancy entering into their victim’s body they attack and erode their self-esteem, individuality and basically erase your personality. They will also demean, debase and destroy your spirit and extract whatever they want, need and desire or take complete control of your life. THEN the boredom sets in and the Narcissist loses interest and they need more and newer supply like a drug addict that needs their drug of choice, so their life is lived in an ‘out-of-control’ manner where they are seeking out whomever or whatever they can to maintain their addiction and ‘high’, but always maintaining that steady source of supply from us AND again that extra supply on the side. What we believe in, that is so personal and intimate to us is nothing more than our turn with the Narcissist as supply.

DISCARD – after the Narcissist has gotten everything he/she wanted from you and has probably secured other new targets for supply, they move on without a care. We were ONLY a COMPONENT in what was an agenda of a disordered Narcissist seeking out to extort supply from us and anybody else. This is just day to day business with a Narcissist seeking out or better yet exploiting and extorting people and life. People are expendable and interchangeable to them, BUT people are a resource the Narcissist NEEDS to survive, and we are replaced quite readily. Unfortunately, we BELIEVED in them and are left with this to sort out as well as the trauma from the abuse.

For any victim/target, this process is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you so much time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem, your career or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to this relationship. It may have become your entire life, even having a family with a Narcissist. For the Narcissist however, the whole process isn’t really personal AT ALL but instead a function! The Narcissist WILL do the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him/her into their intimate life. We are all reduced to and considered OBJECTS and possible supply. Life is a department store where the Narcissist shops for the SPECIFIC supply they desire – but they would be more aptly described as “shoplifters” because they feel completely entitled to take whatever they desire AND when they desire it! We were NEVER alone in this relationship or exclusive.

They will consistently repeat this cycle of abuse with everyone they seduce into their lair of manipulation, lies, and betrayal. It’s not about you or me, and it is not about the other people involved who are new/extra supply, the many partners they were with sexually, the minions the Narcissist employ in their game and set against you, or the many ‘others” the Narcissist used to make you compete and/or jealous – all of this is supply to validate the Narcissist’s ego, to give him/her pleasure, to meet his/her fickle needs. No supply means anything more or less than any other supply.

Remember the Narcissist was never with new/extra supply because they are/were better or superior to you. The Narcissist was with them for the same reason that he/she was with you or me – to extort and use them, perhaps for different purposes than the Narcissist used you, but with the same devastating effect – abuse. The Narcissist will invariably treat others in a very similar way to how he/she treated you. Idealize, devalue and discard is the Narcissist utilizing and processing its target/victim into what we believe is a ‘relationship’ to secure or harvest supply – then move on to the next. It was/ is and will always be only about the Narcissist’s need to extort people and life. Our abuse is the direct outcome of the Narcissist processing us (idealize, devalue and discard). They win us over with their pathological seduction to control us and USE US to satisfy all their needs for as long as you stay with the Narcissist. WE ARE ALL SUPPLY AND TEMPORARY – or we ALL have an expiration date.

So WHY does a Narcissist idealize their targets in the first place. Why do they invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship, given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? Well this is what makes up the components of the abuse as well as defines them as predators, extortionists and the abusers they are.

The obvious response would be that they do it for security or constant and ‘longer term supply.” Perhaps they do it because they can’t get close enough to people to secure supply with their TRUE psychopathic nature – SO IT IS A NEEDED PART of the big con job by concentrating their energy on ONE PRIMARY SOURCE and hopefully locking them in long term to always have a steady source around. It is the psychopathy that goes hand in hand with their personality disorder – and it is how they are wired! Whenever a Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because he/she wants something from that person and THEY WILL EXTORT IT OUT OF THEM!

All of this depends upon what the Narcissist wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him/her. If the Narcissist wants some sort of semblance of order OR respectability, a façade or diversion behind which he/she can hide his/her perverse nature and appear harmless and normal, he/she may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. If all he/she wants is to have some fun, it will be over within a short period of time, maybe even a couple of hours. If the Narcissist wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he/she may stay with you for as long as you excite him/her. Despite the differences in length of time or timeline that the Narcissist remains with ANY supply, what will remain constant is that eventually, you’ll be discarded as soon as you no longer serve his/her needs.

Narcissists do enjoy the chase, the seduction and the betrayal. They relish creating the illusion that they’re something they’re not because it is all part of their psychopathic ego feeding process and being a Narcissist. They also enjoy observing how they dupe others into believing all of their fiction – AND THE REWARDS ARE GREAT FOR THE NARCISSIST – all the supply they can get through their lies and manipulation. This isn’t just psycho-babble it is the clinical truth and boy it hurts when you are the one being duped, extorted, conned, abused, etc. AGAIN – when the Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because they want something from that person PERIOD.

The CLINICAL research does confirm that Narcissists suffer from a lack of empathy as well as the EMOTIONS that would be directly related to somebody that HAD empathy, so that makes their bonding superficial, at best. When they want something or someone, they pursue that goal with all their might. You are a means to an end or a SOURCE of SUPPLY to feed their many needs. You were never idealized for YOURSELF, but for something else you had that they wanted – supply. But when their goal is actually you/us – then their pursuit feels very REAL because we are being SEDUCED and conned. They will even get married to pull us into this huge con or big lie and that gives them a lifeline to you/us legally and emotionally for their constant chaos and crazy making.

It is still operative abuse and they are very aware of what they do and will lie to protect themselves. Awareness is a big coefficient here and that shouts out the very truth that they have the ability to understand that what they do is horrendous and wrong, BUT yet they will not change or admit to their disorder because is serves them.

They create many theatric roles to cover every possible range to get supply. My point here is that they can also be highly “respectable individuals” in any facet of life like a therapist, judge, law enforcement personnel, a doctor, preacher, or just about anything. They will most assuredly use ANY power and authority they have to create intimidation, distance, admiration, respect and even abuse. They might even be that bad boy or girl that has many tattoos, piercings, chains, motorcycles, fancy cars, brash and loud, etc. Then again they can also be the lovable and huggable ‘big ole teddy bear’ type of person full of hugs and kisses. They are just everywhere because their ‘false mask and persona’ is what we see first and not the personality disorder.

This is what makes it so hard to discover the reality of just how disordered they are especially at first glance. A Narcissist will actually believe they are the persona or character they are displaying, and they morph right into it. They are just that good at mimicking life and situations to create any scenario to harvest what they need to extort from life and people. This is very scary because most people just don’t see this and get taken in and destroyed.

Temporarily we represent that ‘OBJECT’ of their desire, the answer to their needs (for now), the love of their life and the key to their happiness. Remember they can’t do any of this on their own because of their psychopathic nature and lack of all empathy so they play pretend in such a pathological manner that it can be impossible to see until it is too late. But this feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s empty to the core, they are COMPLETELY empty – a big needy void. Add to this that they are addicts and supply is their drug, so they are always off and looking for the next fix! All of this pretty much fuels their out-of-control lifestyle. Remember, once the Narcissist feels they have you in their grasp and once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on them, they GET BORED with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. We are THEIR supply in this psychopathic manipulation, and they are NOT going to be ‘our’ supply or give anything to us in return – this is a one-way street. So inevitably they are going to move on when we try to make this “relationship” real in a manner that we are a VIABLE part of it and have needs AND they will destroy our integrity to avoid exposure of the truth of who and what they are. They are not in a relationship that grows in a normal manner – instead they are in a delusional and contractual agreement with every other human being that unequivocally states we will SUPPLY the Narcissist with EVERYTHING they desire until they are done with US. No/minimal contact to stop the chaos and the abuse! You deserve respect, dignity and love because you are an amazing human being – NEVER forget this or let it get lost in the destructive messages the Narcissist has planted in your mind and heart! Discard them completely from your life, mind, and heart. Greg

A Narcissist CANNOT love, they do not KNOW love, do not WANT love, and they do not bond with anyone in any sort of relationship.

The most important thing we can internalize to move forward is that a Narcissist CANNOT love, they do not KNOW love, do not WANT love, and they do not bond with anyone in any sort of relationship. What they WANT is to control people to fulfill many needs in every area of their life. What they DO is pretend to know love, know emotions, know caring – but that is only the facade they wear to bring their agenda to fruition. If you do NOT supply them with what they WANT – you are considered worthless. They only WANT what they WANT – what you want and need is only a CONSIDERATION when they are setting the trap to pull you into deception and make you part of their supply chain!

In the overall design of things, misfortune to others does not matter to the Narcissist when they have objectified a human being to obtain their drug of choice or “supply.” It is solely based on what a person has to offer, or what can be taken from this person, and this must resonate in the Narcissist’s grand scheme of things. The Narcissist is convinced of their uniqueness (omnipotence) and basically we are there to serve their needs – they are delusional in this manner. There are no written laws that the Narcissist will comply with when it comes to how they treat other people.

There are no human rights involved either, basically we are there for their use and they completely exploit everything they can from us – mentally and physically. They feel no remorse in their acts of deviance to secure supply in the least bit. Lies, betrayal, manipulation, etc., are only tools to extract what they need before they move on to the next and the next and the next. They have perfected and honed these tools to work to their utmost advantage to meet their needs in EVERY situation.

In the Narcissists grand scheme of things there is never a relationship with any one person as it concerns love, growth, goals, friendship, family bonding, dreams, togetherness AND equal rights where any person ever has a separate identity OR meaning to the Narcissist – EVERYONE IS JUST AN OBJECT. Everything and everyone is just an opportunity for extorting supply. Everyone is a “people object” in their world and our connection is nothing more or nothing less than the next person’s. No/minimal contact!

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

What they APPEAR to be and what they really are!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

When most people think of a Narcissist, they picture someone obsessed with themselves, mostly their physical appearance as they gaze upon their image in a mirror with COMPLETE admiration of their own beauty. If that were only the truth, there would be many people in this world that wouldn’t have lost so much at the hands and the destructive actions and words from a PERSONALITY DISORDERD Narcissist. Most people have never heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a real condition certifiable through every psychological journal that is written out there. The Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) is the handbook for mental health professionals and outlines this specific disorder. Who reads those journals if you are not in the field, so most had to learn the hard way by being abused by one.

Narcissists are very elusive creatures, so you won’t find them in a therapist’s office embarking on a journey of introspection to get counseling for their personality disorder OR their abusive behaviors toward others. When I was in therapy I asked my therapist if they have ever treated a Narcissist AND the answer was a resounding ‘NO.’ A Narcissist will never enter into therapy because they are convinced they don’t have a problem because it is always YOU and I that have the problem and NOT them AND they are NOT going to admit that they are an abuser. They may go to counseling for appearance sake or to secure and abuse medications. How unfortunate for those of us that have endured their manipulative and disabling abuse because they leave behind a high body count of targets/victims. It is the victims that are the ones seeking real therapy and how surreal is that!

ANY type of relationship with a Narcissist will leave a person doubting their own sanity – the target/victim, and there is always a target/ victim that is left in total shock, with their jaw dropping to the floor, shaking their head and wondering, “What has happened?” Then, try talking about your experiences with a Narcissist or describe the abuse to friends, family, a loved one or even a stranger. If you try to explain the disorder through YOUR personal experiences, people will look at you like you have three heads on your shoulders and none of them are talking or making any sense.

It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism too) HASN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder they just never had a personal relationship with one to see the real person and the abuse in private. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who just don’t have any closeness or role in their personal life to see the reality of who and what they are. Once you get emotionally close to a Narcissist, THEN AND ONLY THEN do you get to see them drop their carefully crafted and charming mask that hides the out-of-control and abusive creature behind it AND that is after they have TOTALLY fooled and conned you in.

A Narcissist is so seductive that he/she makes you believe in him/her with your whole heart, mind and soul. Unfortunately for all who tread on this emotional rollercoaster with a Narcissist they don’t realize just how dangerous this connection with them is until it is too late. The charm a Narcissist utilizes creates an oblivious feeling of being connected or very attracted to most everything about them. We can become fascinated with someone because of their physical beauty BUT a charming and captivating Narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks, definitely, can increase the magnetic pull towards the Narcissist, but that is not at the core of this abuse, it is the manufactured charm that is a psychologically damaging and a deceptive tool used to manipulate, condition, manage you down and control you.

They charm people to death (figuratively) and this is what literally attracts us to them or that CHARM. But with a Narcissist it is that magnetism that makes you feel a sort of hypnotizing attraction that manifests itself in your psyche and every level of your soul and right to your core beliefs! In reality you are being charmed by their shrewd ability of REFLECTING back everything that is YOU creating this intoxicating and deep-rooted bond. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you’ve known them a long time, soul mates, or you feel very safe with them – perhaps you have known them in a prior life or whatever fantasy belief that Narcissist has instilled in your mind.

This is the Narcissists goal and they are the biggest con artists that exist and they mean to extort everything they can from you and THAT is why they are there and SEDUCING you into this so called connection with them. They have unlocked the door to your head and they are planning on using that entry to their advantage. They will move right in manipulate and manage down most everything that is your reality as you KNEW it. A skilled and extreme Narcissist knows just how to reflect your image right back onto you so that you feel like you are almost twins. What’s not to like and trust when you have EVERYTHING in common?

A Narcissist creatively figures out some unique and impressive angle quickly, and one that few people would ever engage in. Basically they are manipulating your emotions. Narcissists can typically outsmart almost everybody. They are always ten steps ahead of you, so much so that it is uncanny. They are very QUICK with these unique approaches and “BAM” they have swept you off of your feet and keep you there and diverted with that CHARM. What else is there to do but bask in the glow of this unique relationship with this amazing person! You are undeniably intrigued by everything about them. When your relationship sours because the ugly truth rears itself with a Narcissist, you better duck for cover and be ready for a whole lot of damage control.

Again, they are ten steps ahead of you and have already thought through how you will react and are ready to discredit, disable, and destroy you. You can trust that they are determined to humiliate and obliterate you to avoid exposure of the truth that they are abusive predators. More than likely they have already started another relationship well before they ended the relationship with you. It is always new and better supply and they will keep up this abusive cycle all throughout their lives. Remember they were there for only one reason and that was to use you and when they were done they were just going to move onto the next victim and obliterate your existence to avoid exposure!

A skillful Narcissist can tell anybody and everybody a great story just like reciting a well-known fairy tale because they are some of the greatest storytellers in the world. They can weave their fictional tales and lies into a complex story about themselves. They mesmerize you with amazing facts, statistics, trivia, history of events, to the point that you feel overwhelmed and just amazed at their acuity and accuracy. They are always the center of these stories, often re-writing their personal history, and lying to embellish the stories. One thing you can say is that they are hardly boring with their accounts of their amazing world and life.

They can incessantly talk and talk about most anything without skipping a beat with their amazing and interesting information. They are human chameleons that study human nature, but with a goal to further their power by enhancing their stature and influence the people around them to get what they crave – supply. Undoubtedly, they exaggerate their every claim and position in their life and they will even fake credentials to get where or what they want from life. They are addicted to this omnipotence and we are the audience or what they need to use as a mirror to see this amazing reflection of themselves. Unfortunately, what they do in the darkness without a care to the people that love them is also part of the equation and their ability to tell an amazing story to cover up their out-of-control lifestyle.

They lie to weasel their way in and out of any situation and come up smelling like a rose. They are pathological liars in every sense of the word and hide their hideous and perverted life. This is the sad reality of a human connection with them and if you keep that connection going it will turn personally disastrous and destructive for you as the truth becomes evident that they are not fully functioning human beings and they will take your life down with them.

Narcissists work extremely hard at making themselves believable as it concerns their overt lies and myths about themselves. They arm themselves with a vast array of learned information they have harvested through their observations of other humans. They acquire and then wear, personalize or enhance this information as if it is truly theirs. So, what is the goal again with all of this? To snag you into his/her Narcissistic lair to make you supply them with the things they need and can’t get because they are a dark and manipulative personality that envies life, love and people.

Unfortunately for those that fall prey to a relationship with them, they exploit one of the greatest emotions to manipulate you into a special place right alongside them and that is love and they even SAY that they LOVE you back! Loving them is like hosting a convention for bank robbers AT a bank with the vault right in sight. That vault will be emptied out and those robbers will point to the next person saying, ‘they did it, not me” and then they will conveniently disappear with the goods.

Remember and completely internalize this – there is no marriage vow, relationship (even family), or connection to the care and love they proclaim they have for us that prohibits a Narcissist from doing exactly what they want because there are no consequences they feel internally and really there is NO RELATIONSHIP or bonding with them. BUT also remember this – YOU can love, YOU do possess empathy, YOU can love people, YOU can bond, and YOU will recover from the hack on your life from this creature! YOU were too strong for them and saw through their façade because YOU are amazing! The miracle here is that the Narcissist is out of your life no matter how painful it feels right now – be strong! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

Narcissists are ALWAYS and ONLY a one-way street to chaos, negativity, destruction and ABUSE. ANY and ALL relationships with them are a complete dead-end!

Once that extreme Charm has trapped you into their orbit a Narcissist will start the devaluation stage by NEGATING and INVALIDATING every aspect of your goodness, integrity, and being in an effort to control you and have power over you. Basically they start to disassemble or erase your personality. In this process of dissembling you, they will make you jump through hoops or perform for them in a manner to always make you do MORE or do something else for them and it will always be wrong and NOT enough. – this keeps you on edge or walking on those proverbial eggshells. They want something from YOU and THAT is what the agenda has always been, AND this is how they achieve it by consistently managing you down to nothingness.

OK – so let’s examine the personal aspects of what happened to all of us so anyone that HASN’T BEEN abused can embrace the truth a little better and see this abuse for EXACTLY what it was and is. If and when that Narcissist did something nice, it was always instrumental or a means to an end and part of his/her con job, that artificial/good image, charm, or façade – and mostly seen in public. So, let’s use the Dr. Jekyll and Mr./Ms. Hyde explanation. Dr. Jekyll (the Monster) is in fact is always Mr./Ms. Hyde on the inside or that abusive Narcissist or monster. Mr./Ms. Hyde is the ‘good’ facade that hides and protects the monster that most all people only ever see.

WE are quite capable of love, bonding, and EMPATHY – BUT they aren’t! What have we fallen in love with, friended, or been dealing with if it is a family member, etc.? OK you probably already know the answer, but I am going to say it regardless. You are NOT in love with, caring for, friends with, or bonded to the “real monster” or the Narcissist – you embraced the image they projected. In reality they are cheaters, liars, manipulators, players, empty/needy voids, or the heartless angry beings that they are. What we believed in (as most do) is/was the charming illusion they created, or the mask, the big lie, the extortionist or whatever name we want to apply to this abuser. As a rule of thumb, we don’t intentionally fall in love with monsters – generally we find a super hero in life to defeat that monster or a local government agency that handles these monsters – but that doesn’t happen in real life. But can we put a little spin on this perspective.

These are clearly predators as described by how they camouflage and manipulate us into position to gain our trust and then extort us of everything we have as well as psychologically terrorize us in an effort to harm us, AND to invoke fear to silence us in the end to protect themselves from being exposed. From the beginning to the end you can clearly see that they manipulated us into caring, friending, or loving them. Then used their abusive control to get what they wanted and needed like a thief. Finally, they devalued us to confuse and debilitate us and then added fear to the equation to shut us up, so they could move forward to the NEXT victim. They took us from charm to harm with everything else in between!

For any victim/target, this process is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you so much time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem, your career or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to this relationship. It may have become your entire life, even having a family with a Narcissist. For the Narcissist however, the whole process isn’t really personal AT ALL! The Narcissist WILL do the same thing to just about anyone who allows him/her into their personal or intimate life. We are all reduced to and considered OBJECTS and possible supply. Life is a department store where the Narcissist shops for the SPECIFIC supply they desire – but they would be more aptly described as “shoplifters” because they feel completely entitled to take whatever they desire AND when they desire it!

It is ALWAYS a one-way street with them and a dead-end for us. No/minimal contact break the cycle of abuse and move forward!

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist.

Nar•cis•sist [nahr-suh-sist] – noun – con artist, scammer, liar, extortionist, manipulator, thief, user, “Charms to Harm,” abuser. PREDATOR after PREY!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

The Narcissist looks for targets that he/she can harvest supply from as well as to shield or camouflage their disordered and perverted lifestyle. Usually their targets are just your everyday good people who are responsible, productive, intelligent, centered, kind, generous, trusting, empathetic and loving, or all of the characteristics that the Narcissist does not possess. Narcissists definitely do not have these positive characteristics or any for that matter. They lack any and all empathy, do not know love, and have no compassion so an out-of-control lifestyle and chaos rules them. All of this disconnection from life allows the Narcissist to conduct his/her life in an all-consuming pattern of taking what they want from people, controlling behavior to achieve this coupled with abuse, pathological lies, and destructive manipulation. Among every other negative quality Narcissists possess they are also con artists, extortionist and thieves as well – they just don’t psychologically destroy a victim – they annihilate the victim’s life!

The Narcissist is a human that is not fully functioning – and quickly becomes very adept at “fitting in” with camouflage or “a mask” as it is described clinically. Initially, the Narcissist will size up AND take in as much if not of all of the new target’s behavior and mimic it or mirror it back to them to SEEM like they have so much in common with the victim. The Narcissist is VERY ADEPT AT THIS and will carefully study the target’s interactions with others, as well as their body language, tone of voice, and general demeanor. As an expert predator/hunter, the Narcissist will methodically craft a plan of attack and begin to track and assess their target’s every thought. The Narcissist will slowly approach the target with complimentary words and statements and then the Narcissist will model themselves and their behaviors to what he/she thinks will please and SNARE their new target into their web of deceit and destruction. The Narcissist will assume the behavior of the target’s “perfect partner”. The Narcissist knows what the target desires in a partner or mate and morph’s right into that role – the MOST PERFECT friend, lover or whatever the relationship may be. This is the most important aspect in the Narcissist’s arsenal of tools – GAINING TRUST of their target soon to be victim – this is the CHARM or love bombing. Without it the cycle of abuse and extortion will just not happen, and the Narcissist is unable to secure their LIFE SUSTAINING supply so they HEAVILY invest in this tactic. Remember without it they CAN NOT get to their precious source of supply NOR can they cannot survive without it – so this basically describes the truth of the situation or that they are PREDATORS AFTER PREY.

Once the Narcissist has caught the attention of their new target, they will move in for the kill. The Narcissist will begin by coming on very strong, telling the target that they are special and of course the Narcissist will say they were meant for each other because they are a match made in heaven or SOUL MATES. The Narcissist will constantly flatter their target and be very attentive, calling or texting them many times a day, just to say “they (the Narcissist)” were thinking of them. The Narcissist will quickly assume a strong role and become an important person in the target’s life and he/she will find that they are swept off their feet by this “wonderful, perfect partner (the Narcissist)”. Once the Narcissist has become totally entwined in the target’s life and vice versa, the role will change for them from target to victim. The Narcissist will then start to isolate the victim so that they become solely dependent on the Narcissist as their trusted confidant in life.

Every person I talked to after I moved on from my abuse, said the same exact words to me concerning my Narcissist STRONGLY PURSUING them – AND not the “replacement” supply – I am talking about the many affairs, that occurred during the time I spent with this Narcissist. It is one huge con job – there is no relationship, there never was and there never will be one. In my situation the MANY supply sources on the side said my Narcissist was relentless when it came to pursuing them on “dating sites” – but then again what does it say for those that gave into the pursuit. Most can relate to this when it comes to a Narcissist, and it is anything and everything that will basically say “yes” to them. When I realized the truth as compared to how I was “blind sighted” by the extreme manipulation and pathological lies – I came to the realization that this Narcissist was known for their perverted lifestyle but was SO ADEPT at disguising the truth behind fake morals, pretending to be Christian and even condemning others for THEIR immoral ways. This Narcissist previously hid behind a spouse and biological children prior to me but ALSO lived a very active, deviant, and perverse sexual lifestyle on the side that eventually destroyed that family and marriage. These words should resonate and identify the truth as far as what Narcissists are and what they want and what they are capable of doing to get what they want, and that they are dangerous and destructive to society! Marriage or any relationship for that matter is not sacred to a Narcissist – it is only a convenience for the Narcissist to have a place to rest their head at night as well as having a steady source of supply to keep them occupied in between their many other sources, as well as a cover to hide what they really are. When I found out the truth I was in total denial – but soon enough I accepted the reality of how good my Narcissist was at lying and manipulating me into believing that horrendous façade.

The Narcissist’s reign of terror and destruction begins with small negative comments about the victim. The Narcissist will begin to mentally disassemble the victim’s self-esteem and beliefs about themselves and the relationship. What was once considered the perfect relationship now becomes a relationship that is unnerving, controlling, debasing, dehumanizing, gut wrenching, unstable and full of blame and shame. The victim is constantly kept emotionally and psychologically off balance by the insidious behaviors of their Narcissistic partner and ALWAYS having to explain themselves and feeling like they have to do more and more to please the Narcissist. The Narcissist will make plans with the victim and cancel at the last minute. The Narcissist will talk only of themselves and THEIR needs and desires. If the victim dares to express a personal need, the Narcissist will instantaneously strike, like a venomous snake to subtly remind the victim that the Narcissist needs are more important. The Narcissist will talk of making plans with the victim for their future and then the next day speaks of the future only in terms of the Narcissist’s future. The Narcissist will conveniently forget to pay back money he/she has borrowed from the victim as well as conveniently undermining many daily activities to make the victim seem and even feel unstable. The Narcissist is disassembling the victim’s self-esteem, spirit, psyche and ENTIRE life little by little to gain complete control and drain the target/victim completely of every resource they can. This is considered brain-washing and even terrorizing a victim into submission through these destructive CONTROL tactics. Remember this Narcissist is also pursuing supply on the side that the target/victim will soon come to realize so the betrayal is a HUGE issue as well.

Is this a disorder as well as a NON-functioning human being? Well we have to say yes because NO NORMAL person would act out in this manner against another human being, but let’s not forget that there is a great deal of thought put into this abuse. It is cognitive, meaning that the Narcissist puts rational thought evoking processes into effect to get the desired results they want from their targets/victims. SO, can we safely say it is premeditated? That word is largely used in the legal profession to describe somebody that has carefully thought out a crime with INTENTION! If a criminal is charged with this, they go to jail without passing go! It’s a ‘Monopoly’ saying when you draw the card that says “Go Directly to Jail and do not pass Go or collect any money” – a little bad humor.

The victim becomes less and less of what they use to be prior to meeting the narcissist. It becomes a vicious cycle of denigration, debasing, dehumanization and destruction by the Narcissist until there is nothing of substance left of the victim. The dismantling of the victim total identity was skillfully orchestrated by the Narcissist, and then as if to add INSULT TO INJURY the Narcissist will unmercifully criticize and blame the victim for “not being the person” the Narcissist fell in love with. All of the “blame and shame” will ceremoniously be dumped on the victim to kick them down even further into the destruction a Narcissist inflicts on everyone. The Narcissist will even “project” their betrayal and perverse lifestyle onto the victim and accuse them of what they (the Narcissist) is actually doing. The Narcissist will not yield to anything once they have the reigns of terror going and will even physically make fun of their victim to inflict every possible form of damage they can. This disables the victim completely, so they can’t possibly fight back and expose the Narcissist as the REAL abuser they are. The Narcissist has been back-stabbing and “smearing” the victim to family, friends, co-workers and any other people that will listen to further damage the integrity of the victim. The Narcissist will then discard the victim quickly and without regard. The cycle of abuse and destruction has been completed. The victim has been disabled by the Narcissist and left by the roadside. This describes and is NARCISSISTIC ABUSE or better yet emotional and psychological rape of their victim. This is not simply “emotional abuse”, or a bad relationship between two people – this is a calculated attack of a predator after prey. This is a disordered human being that willfully harms good people – EVEN their own biological children will become victims of their damaging cycle of abuse. Predator after prey!

As always I end with go “NO CONTACT” – unequivocally it is the only way to gain your freedom from this calculating, disordered, manipulating, cunning, lying, extortionist and abuser that MEANS to inflict damage on their prey as well as take everything they can! This IS NOT bashing a Narcissist, it is defining the reality of the situation as it concerns THEIR actions and how they abuse people – just some hard and true facts. You can and will recover from this abuse – but YOU MUST understand that the Narcissist is as calculated in their attacks on people as is a shark with its prey. Once you establish the facts/truth about your abuser you must put it all into perspective to release from the “blame and shame” as well as the worthlessness that you feel, and the Narcissist made you internalize or better yet forced down your throat. Find that spirit, it is still there with you as well as your self-esteem, goodness, empathy and LOVE — I promise you that this had NOTHING to do with who or what you are, it has to do with an extremely disordered person that manipulated you into ALL OF THIS because they are an abhorrent and disordered human being. You are and always have been the beautiful and amazing person you were – THAT IS WHY YOU ARE STILL HERE TODAY, and you still have tomorrow – and don’t give that up. You WILL be the person you once were! Greg

We MUST actualize the truth that there is NOTHING real about the Narcissist ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

It is all about the façade they personally create for us (and everybody else) to DRAG us into a specific agenda/need they have in mind for us. We are not alone in this relationship because they have a network of supply for every aspect of their life! Nobody means any more or any less than the next person that is serving a need for them, regardless if we are their primary or secondary supply source. Once again, we do NOT mean anything to a Narcissist beyond what we supply them with. Think about it and that is why they can move on so quickly – we are easily replaced with the next object without a thought. To a Narcissist it is just filling a position in their life.

They are MANY varied personalities inside of them at any given time, and each and every one of them is a working component of that façade and NONE of them are real. What goes along with this is that we are not real to them either! All the words, all the care or love we offer falls on deaf ears because nobody is there and NEVER will be. No/Minimal contact!

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

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