Category Archives: Narcissism
The manipulation all started on the very FIRST day you met this Narcissist when you experienced that extreme charm that set you up to fall prey to their abusive lifestyle and become the next target or source of supply – but you believed it was love and that started you out on this horrendous journey with a personality disordered Narcissist.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
When all is said and done and the Narcissist has moved on AND probably to new supply you are/were left dumbfounded, vulnerable, and in total disbelief because of those emotions that you were tricked into believing were real – or what YOU believed was love! The first thing that comes to mind is going back, fixing this, maybe you can change him/her AND actually the same thoughts that ran through your mind a MILLION times throughout the entire relationship. How many times did the relationship go back and forth like this and you would fight/argue and then within a few days you would get back together again. This process would repeat itself over and over again and it was short lived and you were devalued, blamed and shamed, and punished even more. It would always come back to this same point.
I would often come out of the fog for a few moments of sanity and ASK myself if I was actually so bad or doing something so wrong then why didn’t this Narcissist just leave and move on. Well because I still had supply that this Narcissist wanted and needed and probably there wasn’t new supply to move onto YET! Why didn’t I just realize the truth that I was a good person and this was total insanity? But I want to make a very valid point here – we were conditioned, manipulated, brainwashed, and hijacked from reality the very first day the Narcissist started with the ‘charm’ or ‘love bombing’ to accept this symbiotic role of abuse with them or a predator after prey! This is a hard concept to accept but once you get to the truth through knowledge, education and the support from other victim’s and survivor’s you will get to your ‘ah ha’ moment!
In the beginning, you did not perceive this as ‘love bombing’ or probably even heard of this term before. You were flattered that he/she was paying so much attention to you. There were all of those simple to complex gestures, be it compliments, love notes, many great text messages or phone calls, etc. – but it was as if it were a scene from a romantic movie. Guess what, basically that is all it was, a fictional scene with a role that was written personally for you by this Narcissist that had no basis of reality. It was purely fictional to move you in a manner to continue to watch and allow the movie to play out in your life so the Narcissist could receive the big payoff for their personal investment in you or to use you as the next source of supply.
A little bit more clarity about this ‘love bombing.’ The Narcissist was constantly assessing you and then mirrored back to you everything that was positive about you and it felt like you had so much in common and you felt a bond. The truth is that he/she was reflecting back onto and into you exactly what you wanted or NEEDED to hear so you would believe in their façade which was really a trap to con you into their agenda! The Narcissist was grabbing all of your attention and focusing it right back onto you. If he/she didn’t gain this type of control over you then you might not be his/her most viable source of supply and they did it quickly once they assessed you as a good and viable source of supply. Again, this is purely manipulation to gain your complete trust and dependence on him/her and to control you.
Think about it in simpler and non-clinical terms. Love bombing really isolates you and it doesn’t give you much time to think about anything but them or what is happening. It hides the real truth about them and within a very short period of time, it takes ALL of your time and attention away from your life in general and other people AND again isolates you with all the amazing attention. It moves the relationship forward without giving you enough real time to assess the whole situation. It is just too good to be true so you go with it because it resembles that fairy tale prince/princess charming or something very familiar to that dream of meeting your soul mate!
It is really mind control with an agenda. Wow he/she really likes me and is this the ‘real’ love of my life? We have SO much in common so how could this be anything but the real thing! You feel like you know him/her so completely perhaps in another life? This person really LOVES ME! It blinds you in a manner that reality is thrown out the window. This is what fairytales are made of and WOW can it be real? Well it was just a fairytale but with a horrendous ending!
It is important that a Narcissist move the relationship forward very quickly otherwise you might see the many red flags or all the negativity and destruction from their past lives. You might not notice that he/she is basically shunned by their biological family, has many enemies, doesn’t actually have a job, etc. You don’t see the real monster under that thin veneer of goodness or mask that they wear so well. They were deflecting from the real truth to make you their next target/victim. Remember this is an investment for them and they need their sources of supply to survive so they HAVE to be this good!
Their motive is always to control. So they are very effective with this love bombing or ‘charm’ in a very short period of time. It gives you the impression that you are falling in love OR are in love and you have met your soul mate. Nope it is ownership and this Narcissist has isolated you from people to hide the very truth of how disordered they are as well as their agenda to extort what they can from you by making you their primary supply. You want to pursue this grand relationship and who wouldn’t want to? This was/is someone that you feel is so special to you and it feels like the real thing!
With this abuse, you have to pull it back to the beginning to understand that this love was the biggest manipulation that started you off in the cycle of this abuse. That emotional bond that the Narcissist created and tendered with you was their most horrendous tool to achieve their agenda to extort you as their newest source of supply and KEEP YOU THERE. You must pull it back to the day this all started and realize what an amazing person you were then and STILL are now. You walked into this trap with empathy, unconditional love and goodness and those qualities were disabled in you by this abuse. You have to empower yourself with the fact that you still are that amazing person and you were psychologically terrorized and that has traumatized you, your belief systems, your self-esteem and your whole life. You have to realize that this was situational and you are NOTHING even near to what this Narcissist reduced you to believing through the managing down or the devaluation. You must fight to repurpose yourself back into the world without allowing that Narcissist to live inside of your head and heart forever. Evict that Narcissist from your head once and for all because they will only abuse you more. This was a disaster in your life and the trauma is real, but it can also be desensitized through the healing process. There is nothing to look back on once you get to the real truth that you were dealing with a personality disordered person as in fixing the relationship or helping them. You MUST now look forward and FIX yourself by purging the horrendous messages and actions out of your head and heart with the truth. Get back to the real world you once knew – you CAN do this because you are stronger than you know. Start with no/minimal contact for the clarity to begin the journey! Greg
Let’s talk about this relationship with a Narcissist or what you believed was love and so real to you!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
THIS was a manufactured love that was meant to completely con you. Your concepts of love that you held near and dear to your heart were mirrored back onto you and your reality was manipulated. You were in love or WHAT YOU BELIEVD WAS LOVE. Love is the strongest human emotion and bond in the world, and you felt it with all of your heart and soul which is not anything out of the ordinary, unique, or wrong because it happens every day. BUT what was unique in your situation is that it was a love that psychologically and emotionally damaged you and your whole belief system as well as your self-worth has been thrown out the window! Your spirit must heal from the loss of love however traditional or non-traditional (abusive) it is/was. Regardless of the abuse your love was still very real to YOU and you are not going to just overcome that emotional bond right away even with a desperate and abusive love from a Narcissist. Grieve it but always with a sense of the reality that this love was administered by a personality disordered and abusive person.
Here’s where the difference comes into the equation. The Narcissist manipulated and controlled you into a state of desperation for their approval or the desire for affirmation and reciprocal love (conditioning) – but they offered it so freely in the beginning stages of this relationship. You worked so much harder for this relationship to become viable and real? You put so much of your time, energy, thoughts, and perseverance into this. And the end result – you were devalued every step of the way AND then discarded. This Narcissist was cruel and made you beg for the smallest bit of validation from them. They forced you into believing that change HAD to start with you OR ELSE. This WAS the most painful experience of your life. Nothing traditional about this!
When they were ‘loving bombing’ you they showered you with their amazing charm, attention, gifts, and compliments. They only pretended to be the love that you dreamt of or exactly morphing into that dream that was personal to you. They were preparing you for the psychological and emotion erosion or ABUSE. Nothing traditional about this!
After the amazing ‘love bombing’ the relationship was always in contention with them, and YOU were always the cause of everything wrong, blamed and made to fell worthless. You always sensed from their words and actions that you might be replaced at any time, AND in reality, they were ALWAYS working on replacing you. This disorientated and distorted your mind, SO this Narcissist basically hijacked your every thought, every minute of the day. But think about those thoughts – were they EVER positive, affirming or nourishing? No, they were disorienting and negative to constantly keep you off balance and questioning your worth and reality. A Narcissist creates these unpredictable situations that becomes your new normal or reality with lies, games, gas-lighting, manipulation, betrayal and every other tool they use to abuse their target/victims. Nothing traditional about this!
This was a VERY unhealthy lifestyle and not anything near a viable relationship. It is oppression, desperation, and sadistic. Your strong sentiments toward solving all the confusion and mystery around them as well as proving yourself over and over again constantly played with and tricked your mind into believing that there was something so powerful about them that kept you hanging on for life and stuck in the horrible maze of their abuse. It is always a high adrenalin rush with them so when they create their chaos and/or discard you your world seems to fall completely apart. It is pure panic, devastation, and traumatizing! Nothing traditional about this!
Narcissists always destroy the integrity of their last target/victim. They are claiming that you are the abuser or mentally ill AND the victim is the one left broken and traumatized from all of the abuse. Narcissists will always enlist their entourage or minions to carry out their message that YOU have hurt them in every way possible. Meanwhile the Narcissist has sailed off in the sunset with the new and perfect ‘love of their life.” With a normal relationship both parties usually have a mutual respect and don’t harbor the hate that a Narcissist does when parting ways. NOR do they play games like a high school kid trying to inflict jealousy or intentionally being cruel. Nothing traditional about this!
They accuse you of doing EXACTLY what they have done to you – NARCISSISTIC PROJECTION at its best. But if they were a REAL target/victim of this abuse they would not be unaffected by it NOR moving right on to a new ‘love’ – instead they would be traumatized. The true target/victim exhibits the trauma from this abuse and has to spend many years recovering. Narcissists only use their stories about us to seduce and lure in new ‘supply’ with their ‘woe-be-me’ or pity me approach. So be assured that Narcissists do not spend a single second recovering from the ‘love’ they proclaimed, or the “abuse” they inflicted onto you! They were loved unconditionally, cared for, respected, given compassion, and nurtured by you/us (target/victim) so what in all of that would they grieve? They are sadistic and cruel to act out in the manner that they do to good and loving people. It is horrendous to ABUSE people, but how delusional and cruel to add another layer to the abuse by accusing the very person they abused (us) of abusing them (the Narcissist.) Nothing traditional about this!
We DIDN’T fall in love with the abuse, we were seduced into this abusive relationship and manipulated into a role by a fraud and a highly disordered and sadistic Narcissist with an agenda! So, the truth or the crash course to understanding our role. The Narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche and also penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques – brainwashing us every step of the way to gain our trust so we BELIEVE in them – then they can manage us down and control us to ‘get’ supply. They are seriously like a virus that establishes itself within its victims. Their words and manipulative actions echo through our psyche and mind, slowly but surely disabling every aspect of our reality with the sole intent to control and extort us.
Recovery is a process that demands that we separate ourselves from the Narcissist that is alive and living inside of us as the result of living or being with that Narcissist. The Narcissist has crippled you (us) and assigned us a role as they do to every target/victim. We HAD to develop coping mechanisms with him/her. EVERY day we were forced (controlled) to “walk on eggshells” and develop our own false self to support their every need. It is nothing even comparable to BEING a Narcissist it is just defining what we become and that is a servant or Narcissistic supply. Where you are at today and how you are feeling is a direct result of the elaborate arsenal of tools that the Narcissist uses to extract SUPPLY, and the end result is all of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you (us) by the Narcissist. It is NOT about YOU as a person, how bad you were, or how unworthy YOU were, or that your love was bad or any other negative message this Narcissist planted in your head or heart!
Thus, great efforts are required to abandon a Narcissist (heart, soul and mind) and physical separation is only the first step. Next emotional and psychological separation is also required and that is the catch 22 in our recovery. It requires establishing a new reality that puts all of our old beliefs about this relationship to rest forever. We can abandon a Narcissist physically but our psyche is slow to abandon the Narcissist. The abuse is lurking there rendering its existence at every level of our reality. It is twisting and distorting our every thought as we reach out to find closure in response to the many years we were with them. The Narcissist’s words and actions live within us as an inner, remorseless voice, lacking any compassion and empathy for our real being. The Narcissist is there in spirit long after he/she has vanished physically. This is the last bow of the Narcissist, their final curtain call, the proxy abuse that has to be purged out of us.
This is what defines the non-traditional relationship and breakup with these creatures. It is not a straightforward recovery, but instead one that requires a strong dose of education as well as a strong arm to pull the target/victim out of darkness and despair with therapy, support and all the help that is available. You are NOT just grieving a relationship you are grieving the destruction from abuse! No/minimal contact! Greg
The whole world is a stage for the Narcissist to act out their every story and we all have our roles to make their story work for THEM.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
The most important aspect of understanding a Narcissist and this abuse is how they objectify people and put them in a useful place to serve their every need. This can be anything from the person that is in a romantic relationship with them, friends, a co-worker, a minion to support the Narcissist’s lies, parents, biological children, their ex’s or basically EVERYONE serves a purpose to keep that false mask firmly attached to the Narcissist’s head. We are players in an elaborate stage production that the Narcissist writes and rewrites called “My Delusional Life of Lies.”
YES we do all have our separate roles! Some of us have primary roles, secondary roles and some have bit parts. But none of us are looked upon as anything more than a reflection of the Narcissist’s needs and we are used to embellish a convincing and FALSE self for the Narcissist to wear, as well as serve them. They really do make the most of their delusional needs with outrageous lies, manipulation, betrayal and the whole nine yards. If we don’t play these roles in the exact manner that the Narcissist basically demands of us we are bullied back into our role or abandoned from the elaborate stage production and even punished. There are always new players added to the production as the Narcissist sees fit, or for whatever opportunity may arise that serves the Narcissist’s delusional world. There is no commitment to any one person at any time or love in the least bit EVEN though it seems that way. The Narcissist is playing everyone from the very moment they meet or come in contact with them AND until the Narcissist sees no further need for this person in their life. YES, this does include having multiple relationships as well. Unfortunately, we are always the last to know because that mask is firmly cemented onto the Narcissist with abundant charm and LIES that are used to divert from MANY lies, betrayal, and accountability.
This elaborate production runs and is even ‘taken on the road’ with the Narcissist EVERYWHERE as long as it draws huge crowds and pays the Narcissist’s bills (extorting us), and supplies their needs and wants. Once the Narcissist is bored with their production, or the players quit, they completely move on and re-write a new stage production for themselves with brand new characters. BUT they make sure to burn down the theater where their last production took place. Narcissists are only as successful as long as they receive supply from a support network. They are not normal functioning human beings, because their out-of-control needs always harm/destroy, cause havoc and chaos to everyone around them. They destroy lives, and even organizations where they may volunteer, work or be any part of.
Narcissists need to find people they can manipulate, even tricking them into falling in love, but the Narcissist’s version of love involves complete compliance, constant support, admiration, loss of freedom, basically doing everything for the Narcissist as well as dealing with their abuse and a neediness that is beyond words, because they are a non-functional and highly disordered person. Your part in this relationship will NEVER be enough and your commitment to them will destroy your self-worth and well-being. There is never enough any one person could do for a Narcissist because the Narcissist can never feel any sort of gratification because they completely objectify all people or basically use them. Their constant need for more and more supply is their addiction and they will trample any person down to get to a new source of that supply WITHOUT a care to the damage they inflict. The basis of any relationship with them is built on all lies and that catches up with them BUT they will turn the truth around onto their victim and blame and shame them into fear from the retribution of us knowing the real truth about them – that is when that mask comes off and we see the real wrath of this creature. This is the true nature of the Narcissist or a creature that is disconnected from people in this world because they feel omnipotent or rule supreme over everybody else and their connection to any of us is born ONLY OUT OF THEIR NEEDS and not ours. What else could an empty soul offer to any of us if they have no real emotions or empathy.
What this boils down to is that they are by far delusional and dysfunctional and IN DENIAL of just how disordered they are. As long as they have new lies and new supply they shore up their delusions and then move on with a trail of destruction behind them. As nasty as their discard was as well as the smear campaign they are literally running from us to avoid exposure. They are basically cowards that can and will destroy people with hideous lies.
I read a post where a member asked just what do we actually grieve, and that really hit a chord with me. Yes what do we grieve – love? Well there never was love because we were tricked/conned into this and then discarded like a bag of garbage left on the curb. Do we throw out the memories too? Yes, we have to because there were never any real memories, only extreme manipulation and lies to support the ‘big lie and con job.’ What about the biological children and the many years an ex-spouse put into the family. This is the abhorrent reality of this abuse. It is not simply emotional abuse because it shatters families, people, dreams, goals, and normality. This abuse is never singular because it does involve families, friends, co-workers and anyone else close to the target/victim. So, what then do we grieve? Well we deal with a great deal of psychological/emotional damage from a disordered creature that betrayed us in such a horrendous manner so perhaps we grieve the immense loss of a place we once had in life where we felt trust and love because that is now shattered and we are left traumatized trying to believe if we will ever find that place again after this sadistic betrayal that was intentionally inflicted on our lives. What else is there but the truth and it is beyond our capacity to accept any of this yet alone find closure to something we can barely understand or accept because of our natural empathy and love for life. This is exactly what we have to overcome and that is what our recovery and healing is born from or accepting the truth through a strong education to understand that this was abuse as hard as it may be to do so and situational. In other words, this abuse does not define us – it was inflicted on us!
Their love never existed it was only the reflection of us and our goodness that they mimic back to us in a manipulating manner to keep us believing in them so they can take more and more. Their actions are no different than physically abusing us. Whether it is a punch to the face or a punch to our mind they are hideous, lying, and destructive creatures. It will take a long time to get past this damage – this is true BUT you can and will heal from this. A hit to the mind is a deep and damaging wound that many do not see because it is not a physical wound like a black eye. For the victim, it is so hard to comprehend and accept that someone THEY loved could be so malevolent and destructive to actually malign and disable them through a deviant manipulation of using that very love they offered so realistically and unconditionally. In that I have made amends in my life with this abuse, I remember all too well the damage to myself and my family. I learned early on to voice the truth loudly. I rejected the abuse and kept speaking out and will continue to do this to educate people so they do not stumble through healing by not knowing what hit them like I did. This abuse is hideous and NOBODY deserves the losses associated with what amounts to dehumanization and the complete extortion of lives and love. There is education, strength, and healing in the numbers of people now speaking out about this abuse and a testament to the reality of these abusers and that is where we MUST seek out the support we need. My account as well as everybody else’s story is incredulous, because the damage from this abuse is all too real to individuals and families. Together we have to help each and every person that crosses the threshold of this abuse so that they can recover by understanding the truth and find closure – that is what lights the way for all of us. Together we heal. No/minimal contact to start of a journey to recovery! Greg
When you have a relationship with a Narcissist you will ALWAYS be admonished, silenced, punished and BLAMED – and eventually discarded!
Being a victim of Narcissistic abuse is a severely traumatic life experience that you are probably dealing with by yourself. If the perpetrator is a person you loved, admired, or looked up to as a role model, or a wife, husband, parent, guardian, friend, relative, etc., you don’t understand the reality or severity of the situation because most of the time you loved the person, trusted them and believed in them. You went the extra mile for them as well as giving up so much of yourself in doing so. If your professional life is entangled with a Narcissistic boss, co-worker, etc., makes getting out of the abusive relationship extremely challenging, especially when this is your livelihood, or your bread and butter. It most situations where a Narcissist is connected to your life it is difficult to just pick up, leave, and start over again because there is so much involved before you can do this.
It may seem frightening and insurmountable after the time you have invested, and you may be tempted to put up with more chaos as an attempt to defuse the situation and save what mattered so much to you in any of the relationships you were entangled in. BUT there is nothing even near to a normal or real relationship with a Narcissist, and you can only learn this the hard and painful way if you stay or repeat the same steps you have in the past with them. There is no healthy give-and-take relationship with a Narcissist, only a manipulative, crippling, and subjugating relationship from a demanding, exploitative, and insensitive type of taking what the Narcissist wants to fulfil their needs only. People are only objects that a Narcissist uses. We are NOT objects nor can we ever redefine our roles in life to accept such a role with another human being.
It is especially difficult to accept this when your interactions with them are at the personal, professional, familial or intimate level. How much of yourself, your work, or your aspirations, do you have to sacrifice in order to save your life and your psyche from the destructive assaults from your Narcissistic abuser? Sometimes you have to lose all of it and start over again from scratch. As horrendous as that may sound, the bottom line is that you will achieve freedom and gain your belief system and sanity back and that basically describes saving your own life! What a horrendous step to take in life or basically having to run to save yourself from something so destructive that it can literally destroy your sanity – and especially if it is a person you trusted and loved like a spouse, partner, parent, family member, or even a close friend. This is a magnanimous layer that is added to our recovery process – have to basically see our world destroyed around us and having to reconstruct that world as part of recovery and healing.
Don’t try to fight a war that you can’t win because a Narcissist lacks any and all morals and they abide by no rules nor are they fair. You can’t engage in reality with a person that lacks a conscience, morals, emotions and expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure. Narcissists have no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their mindless and thoughtless approach to other people especially if it is “you.” They already have a mechanism in place that has been dumping that shame since they were very young. Don’t ever underestimate their depravity as it concerns their lack of respect for life and people because they will abuse anyone that stands in their way, even their own biological children or ANY family member. They will go to ANY lengths to destroy your integrity to protect themselves from exposure – so yet another layer is added to recovery – fear of retribution and the damage they will cause to your life.
So how could you have been such a fool? The painful realization often comes with the disbelief of just how could we have not realized that he/she was like this? That’s another thing that educating yourself about this disorder will teach you very clearly. The Narcissistic personality is especially good at being pathologically deceptive and manipulative at simulating genuine affection, emotions, caring AND even love to gain our trust so they can essentially use us and abuse us. In reality, the Narcissist is only capable of caring about themselves. The Narcissist can BASICALLY imitate emotions or that they care about you or even love you as long as he/she continues to see you reflect extreme adulation and admiration for them, which is usually in the beginning of your personal relationship with them and that traps you into the cycle of abuse with them. Underneath all of that is a delusional and out-of-control amoral person that lacks respect for life and people and has no conscience about how they debase people to GET WHAT THEY WANT – supply. That is what it all boils down to – we satisfy some sort of need, but they have many needs, and many people they use to satisfy their immense needy void hole. You thought this was a primary relationship with them and it never was because your role with them in any relationship is to serve their immediate needs.
The perceptions of the Narcissist are truly their reality. If you look back you have never been able to change or influence ANY of their perceptions because they got louder and completely ignored your every word to the contrary concerning any of their delusional outbursts, especially if it concerned their own accountability or the truth about them. If you couldn’t effect change with them living in a close relationship, then don’t waste your time and effort ever trying AGAIN. They live in their own world and no matter how false or unreal it appears to you, for them it is reality because it has to be for them to survive among us. As soon as a Narcissist begins to perceive that you have a voice of your own and a right to existence, the trouble starts and then there is no return because there is no possibility of two-way communication with them because they are omnipotent and need to control everything and everyone in their environment to maintain that facade. The more you push your individualism forward the more resistance from the Narcissist. Their façade is impenetrable and has to be or they would self-destruct if people knew the truth.
Lies and deceit are as natural to the Narcissist’s world as is breathing. A Narcissist has the amazing ability with their ‘shrewd deception’ to make ‘others’ believe their lies EVEN when they fly right in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Heck they are so smooth at their LIES that the Narcissist also believes THEIR own lies. Mine could have been given an honorary PHD in lies, and lying! Take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie, or as my friend once told me “if they are breathing they are lying!”
It is extremely painful, to come to the conclusion that people who have meant a great deal in your personal (or professional) life can ACTUALLY destroy you and you have to disengage with them completely to literally save your life. Sit back for a moment and really think about that and it is a hard pill to swallow. It is EXTREMELY painful, but the alternative is only to continue the descent along the dark path of self-destruction. Stop it all and finally break the chain that keeps you tied to an abuser. Everything you have built with this person was done in vain, and if you keep believing or buying into the games/lies with the hope to catch a glimpse of what things were like when you lived in the illusion they fabricated for you, you will only be drawn back into the abuse over and over again. The promises like a life journey together or sharing the joys of REAL love, a future, intellectual fulfillment, dreams, goals, etc., were part of the abuse to only control you and keep you chained to the abuse.
One day you will see the complete picture and it will never make what they did better, but you will understand because you have finally been educated into what they are and what YOU aren’t. A Narcissist is a dead giveaway in the way they create their delusional turmoil after each and every departure from one of their con jobs or relationships as the Narcissist prefers to call them. While they are running away like the thieves they really are with their tails between their legs, they are really running away from the truth of who and what they are. We are the truth they are running from as they are throwing lies back at us in an effort to smear our integrity and destroy us. They never can or will admit to what they have done, instead they will always slither into someone else’s life to find shelter, create a new family, and take what they can emotionally and physically. In the end you were still the amazing and loving person you ALWAYS were and that is what sent the Narcissist running for their life – YOU WERE JUST TOO STRONG for them and saw right through their façade! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
The unfortunate and horrendous truth – this was not a soulmate, this was a soulless-mate but we struggle and struggle with that vision of love that was served up to us in the beginning always believing it was real until we STOP believing and move forward with the real truth!
Narcissists are acutely aware of their human counterparts (you and I) and they know emotions, or what YOU are feeling even if they can’t feel it themselves. They have observed people’s reactions to every specific emotion and know how to imitate it to get a desired response, even if they do not experience that emotion themselves. Just look back and understand how they were so amazingly adept at making you believe that they loved you, cared for you, and wanted you to be their ‘one and only’ or life partner, spouse, best friend or whatever it took to con you into their abusive grip to meet ONE of their MANY needs. Everybody that is reading this can’t deny that they strongly BELIEVED in this Narcissist at one time and what they were feeling WAS a bond be it love, caring, friendship, etc. Nor can we deny that we learned the real truth that they are very disordered and essentially abused us.
Narcissists get us to feel that bond or love for them without even reciprocating a REAL loving response in return AND they are incapable of ‘bonding’ with people. It seems like they are loving us back, but they are only reflecting our very emotions right back onto us and into us and this is as deep as it goes. They exploit people’s emotions, manipulate their feelings, pretend they are feeling creatures when they aren’t. They make you dance with them but the Narcissist is ALWAYS leading their partner in the dance and the music you are dancing to are their lies and deceit to exploit what they can of your love and life. The Narcissist becomes intimately familiar with all of your loving and emotional spots and knows the correct buttons to push to gain your trust and admiration and to keep you hanging on while they plug you into their agenda to fulfill whatever need you can fill for them.
Seriously this is all the depth that there is to them and this is all we really have to understand about them OR there is no reality to them. The very unfortunate thing is that their charming façade triggered something in us that got us attached to them at the hip emotionally and with most that was probably love! They conquered us with this single word (and imitating all of the required actions to support it) so we are right there with them and believing they are real. Because we have normal and real emotions we believed only what we knew and thought was real and supported every aspect of this love and bond.
They don’t have any real emotions to support it (love) back with us and this is what fails them AND us in a horrendous way. They want what they want, they play the game, but it is short lived because they lack the necessary mechanics to give back in a normal way that you and I can and do. They get bored easily because they feel no human emotions or feelings to connect to us, but they are in it as long as they can fulfill their every need and they exhaust everything we have and then they continue on to the next target/victim. They are protecting themselves from exposure, so combine those two elements (their needs and their extreme manipulation to fulfill them) and this Narcissist becomes a raging lunatic if you should out them with the REAL truth to basically confound you, blame you and keep you hanging on until they are done with you. They keep up the charade, rages and all, but they throw us a little bone to snare us back once again and then manage us down to make us feel worthless and thus disabling more and more of our reality. Remember if their true inner self was transparent to the world they would be rejected, writher away and die – that is why they abuse us in private. They can’t keep up the charade because there is nothing in them that allows them to bond so their spell over us lasts only as long as it takes us to discover the truth. BUT and this is a big but – they were smart enough to use a strong emotion to lock us in or trap us – again the charm or love bombing. That is the glue that kept us hanging on and trying to fix this broken and desperate relationship.
Hindsight unfortunately is 20/20 as they say, so you have to experience their deception and abuse to understand exactly what I just said. It is definitely not something anyone should experience because the destruction reaches the very core of your heart, soul and mind and the end result traumatizes you.
This is why letting go can be so hard for the target/victim because there are REAL emotions from REAL love that is strongly attached or mixed in with the psychological abuse and it confounds the recovery process just as it did throughout the entire distorted relationship – but the love was only real to you. It becomes very confusing because even though it was all based on lies and a huge façade somehow you still love them and STILL want to sort through all of the deception to make it right with YOUR concept of real love because it was ingrained on your heart and mind. You believed in them and now the task at hand is to unbelieve them and that caring and love does not just STOP when you do realize the truth!
Being on the receiving end of Narcissistic love can, will, and does make us feel like we need to try harder because of the extreme manipulation or conditioning that they use to keep us hanging on AND we spent vast amounts of time and energy trying to fix this relationship – that really is all that defines this relationship – trying more and more but never getting anywhere. We were given a vision in the beginning that this was real love and we became emotionally bonded to this vision BECAUSE that was part of the big game. Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try, we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person (our Narcissist.) BUT we believe that somehow, it is up to us to fix the relationship because that is what the Narcissist uses as control and power over us to keep believing and hanging on while they extort our entire life away from us. This Narcissist lacks any and all emotions, empathy, and love for anything other than itself. So, what is left for us to interpret? Superficial connections which are not functional by any means, but meant to make us believe that there is something real for us there. And we held onto this far too long. A Narcissist can’t connect to themselves yet alone to anyone else so everything they do is superficial as it concerns a real relationship with people. They are amazingly adept at this game because it is part of their survival.
We constantly struggle with the vision of that love in the back of our mind (the one that we were CONNED into believing was real) to make the relationship work and make our Narcissist happy by working harder at the relationship. We are even asked (more like demanded by threats) to do things differently or do what this Narcissist wants but it only would lead to more demands and making us sink deeper and deeper into this distorted love. We are even offered an ‘olive branch’ and an “I love you so much,” to achieve a cohesive peace but again it is not real at all and the Narcissist cashes in on the lies once again! But despite our intuition or the deep-rooted sense that something is totally wrong with this relationship it still feels familiar to love because that is what we hold onto to alleviate the struggles and pain. We begin to feel increasingly unhappy because we are never getting our needs met as well as totally confused and lost. The struggle to get this person to love and accept you is not working so you employ all kinds of tactics to try harder but to no avail. It is the vicious cycle of this abuse or the trap that keeps us running in circles until it ends and that end is always devastating and destructive because of the psychological damage that the Narcissist inflicted that kept this toxic relationship going. The Narcissist just closes the door and moves onto the next victim, but that doesn’t spell happiness, that defines an abusive predator! In the beginning, we believed we found our soulmate, but in the end we realize we found a soulless-mate. What a horrendous journey we traveled to get to this truth! Now that journey must end and we must go back to find ourselves again to recover from this sadistic nightmare. To do this we MUST completely discard the Narcissist from our life, thoughts and heart – it is now time to work on healing and growing by concentrating on YOU – it must end completely to do this with no/minimum contact. Greg
The Narcissist’s world is a unique world or their personal ‘playground’ designed JUST FOR THEM by them AND they are in charge like the playground bully that makes everyone conform to their needs and play along OR ELSE!
A Narcissist acquires and seeks out supply because of the huge void that exists within them that requires constant excitement, chaos, and drama or whatever brings them attention (good or bad)! Their world is ONLY comprised of external stimulation to meet all of their needs. The excitement and drama generated must be truly unique, ground breaking, breathtaking, overwhelming, unprecedented, and, under no circumstances, boring or routine to the Narcissist. Without internalized emotions or bonding with other people they have to defer to external stimuli. The chaos and damage they create is the natural consequence of the Narcissist’s disordered and out-of-control lifestyle and need to constantly seek out newer supply so their world really lacks any normal consistency and stability. It has to be AMAZING so that the Narcissist constantly feels special, meaningful and significant! But it is NEVER enough because the Narcissist becomes bored easily and is continually seeking out more excitement because without the ability to love or bond with another human being they naturally move on – again AND again because THEY GET BORED! They DO NOT have the ability to draw on internalized feelings, emotions, bonding or love and their world is one huge façade of lies!
The processes the Narcissist utilizes to obtain, preserve, and accumulate supply is just an imaginary or FAKE environment, and a comfort zone they NEED to feel real and purely invented by the Narcissist. It has clear geographical and physical boundaries and the Narcissist keeps complete inventory of people, places and events. The Narcissist assigns what each and every person’s role is and he/she keeps everyone isolated from each other so nobody becomes all the wiser to his/her lies and make-believe world – but it is chaotic and difficult for the Narcissist to maintain so they get caught up in their game. The Narcissist compartmentalizes everybody by virtue of the needs that the Narcissist assigns but no one person is EVER enough because the Narcissist becomes bored easily and is continually seeking out more excitement – AGAIN, and I know I keep repeating this — without the ability to love or bond with another human being they have to keep getting a newer fix wherever they can.
The Narcissist strives to maximize the amount of Narcissistic Supply that he/she can obtain from the people within his/her environment. The Narcissist MUST seek out and have total admiration, adoration, approval, and adulation at all times and that requires many different sources and levels of attention in EVERY area of their life. The Narcissist will step it up to even fabricate fake fame and notoriety with outrageous lies of achievement. None of it is real, it is all contrived and imagined – a concocted and forced “uniqueness” or that facade.
The Narcissist makes an investment based on people whose role is designed to admire, adore, approve and attend to the Narcissist’s every need (serve them). Extracting this Narcissistic Supply from them calls for emotional and cognitive investments from supply to lock them in and basically keep them there until the Narcissist gets what they want. In turn, it provides the Narcissist temporary stability, perseverance, a long-term presence to secure a good source of supply, attachments (or the many connections they have), forced collaboration, unreal emotional agility (Narcissist fakes this), and people skills that they need to fit in that they lack in reality. It makes them seem real to us and our world and that is what makes them seem to fit in. Unfortunately, nobody can be held to the Narcissists rigid standards and we all fall short of their expectations and graces far too easily. We can’t live life as a statue for the Narcissist to adorn his/her façade, because we live, breath and think as an individual human being in a world where OUR connections, interactions, emotions, and feelings must be real. Once we show individualism (having needs) the trouble begins because the Narcissist loses their control over us and the devaluation or bullying begins.
In all honesty, a Narcissist only has the mentality of a playground bully where they incorporate other kids that are weaker and smaller than them with threats to join in on their imaginary games or else. There will always be someone that asserts their individuality in the playground and that Narcissist will gang up on and harm whomever with the help of their little gang. Be assured you will be run off of that playground just for being you and not buying into the Narcissistic bullying, dysfunction and games. You may even get the Narcissist’s Mommy knocking at your door and really get in trouble (smear campaign). The Narcissist will always have their group of supporters at this playground too that will do his/her dirty work and protect the Narcissist from being caught!
But, no matter how big a lie or how big a fit the Narcissist throws if you allow it you are enabling the Narcissist’s lies/facade and that is a huge mistake no matter what the cost is to you otherwise. It facilitates the Narcissist’s delusions, and it gives them a power rush and CONTROL. Thus, the Narcissist is cramming his/her delusions through insults and devaluation into your intelligence, well-being, and belief system OR right to the core of your being. You are spoiling and enabling that Narcissistic brat/bully and allowing the monster to only grow and take over completely. Unfortunately, people make this mistake because of the Narcissist’s GOOD qualities that have preempted the appearance of this raging bully. We believe we can change them or fix the problems because we saw goodness in them and still believe in them. This is what the Narcissist wants us to believe and that is all part of their façade.
So, we are merely objects in their make-believe world to entertain them and provide supply. We are substitutes or surrogates for them to have a real life, a real vocation or actual achievements. We displace the emotional rewards of intimacy for the Narcissist with whatever role we were designed for. The Narcissist’s permanent existence in fantasyland is based on us and intended to shield him/her from the real self-destructive urges that they act on for the time being. They do for a fact act on every urge they have but it is in direct opposition to what they make us believe is real about them and that is where our conflict begins, that and holding them accountable for the lies and promises. Our role is to accept the lies and promises, to believe this was love no matter what, and the ‘what’ is horrendous abuse. It is always a growing disappointment and disillusionment for us because we get caught up in the Narcissist’s delusions of grandeur and reality, and it is really ugly and disabling for us when we experience the complete cycle of their abuse. The ONLY way out is with no/minimal contact! Greg
The habit of treating a human being or a person as a means to an end or basically an OBJECT is ‘just common practice’ to a Narcissist and manipulation is the mechanism they use to achieve this dehumanization of people to satisfy their needs! It is fundamentally inhumane or a pathological and perverted manipulation of our basic human rights and SADISTIC – there is no other way to describe it except for what it is OR emotional and psychological abuse. The Narcissist is feeding their endless ‘depravity void’ through injustice by his/her disregard for others and treating them as mere instruments for their own gratification. The closer the connection or association to a Narcissist the more pathological the Narcissist becomes and the more damage done to the target/victim. Their needs are far more than just extorting basic life and biological needs, it is their delusional psychological needs that cause the most damage to their target/victim. It is their need to control and gain dominance or power over other people that damages and destroys them. They are BASICALLY human with most of the same biological needs (like eating, breathing and sexuality) but when it comes to mental functions they are delusional and seem to have a battle that rages in their head to seriously harm people that love them as if they loathe all people and need to destroy them one by one – but yet they USE them to satisfy all of their needs!
The Narcissist is incapable of love because at the core of his/her Narcissism is the total refusal to honor others as individuals (basic human rights) or to truly love and appreciate others as ‘another’ person that is anywhere near equal to the omnipotent Narcissist. It is a fortress or huge wall of envy or jealousy that is weak and very wobbly because it always comes tumbling down and the Narcissist shows their true colors with their debasing and dehumanizing mannerisms because they are empty as far as emotions, empathy, caring, loving or bonding because people are only mere OBJECTS. What the Narcissist does love or better yet crave (for a while) is the false self he/she has created and that he/she NEEDS to see reflected in the affirmation and supply from others to feel real and alive. They are actors and actresses picking and choosing their roles and perfecting them to receive their ‘Emmy’ award or better yet the most and best SUPPLY they can get from their audience. It doesn’t really matter WHO it comes from just as long as they are getting supply and that is why they can move on so easily – and AGAIN they DO NOT bond with people they objectify them.
It is basically a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist is more akin to a TICK feeding on us to survive, as well as infecting us with their poisonous saliva that can and will disable and indect us. We are just a source to feed them, entertain them, and a cover to hide their disfigured and abusive lifestyle. After being objectified and abused we are then blamed/shamed and destroyed as if in a ritual way to remove ANY and ALL accountability from the Narcissist because he/she can never allow themselves to see the reality of their disordered life and the destruction they cause – that and to avoid exposure from the truth that they are disordered and abusive. This is the truth about their superiority or omnipotence, and it is as flimsy as their reality in this world.
Since a Narcissist is incapable of truly loving another as an individual, all of the Narcissist’s relationships with others are perverted, twisted, and abusive. To use a person is to abuse a person, and everyone in the Narcissists life WITHOUT EXCEPTION is nothing more than a means of procuring affirmation, adulation, admiration OR supply. We are a means to an end driven by the Narcissist’s self-serving agenda to secure supply or basically to extort people.
A Narcissist is calculating and refuses ANY connection or obedience of the basic requirements of life or the natural moral laws as they apply to life and human rights. Obedience to a Narcissist implies that there is something larger or better than what they are and they will never comply because it would define them as being WEAKER to allow anyone to feel significant enough to be their equal or better. It is almost like the Narcissist completely relates everything in life to a measurement, but this measurement begins and ends with them. As the saying goes, the sun rises and sets on a Narcissist because they feel they are above all life.
The Narcissist creates the terms of how THEY measure life, so if they were a “tape measure or a ruler”, they would determine the dynamics of each and every measurement OR define every inch of every foot – and you can believe that it would not be consistent as it is SUPPOSED to be. The Narcissist has to be ‘that’ which measures (and judges) and NEVER that WHICH IS MEASURED and NEVER judged. Literally they “coin” the phrase “give them an inch and they will take a yard.” Well that and anything they can get their tentacles around because they are ALWAYS after something when it comes to any relationship with a Narcissist. Unfortunately, if you withhold that ‘something’ from them or test them in any way you will be annihilated because they have a very short fuse!
Nevertheless, our first experiences with the Narcissist has allowed us to believe in a prince/princess ‘charming’ who have done great things in our lives like “loving us” so we hold on to keep the faith, and live with this Narcissist’s amazing BUT fake integrity. It is our empathy, love and basic trust that are targeted. The Narcissist has bamboozled us through this wondrous and seemingly normal façade that IMITATES extreme goodness as well as fake virtues that we hold in good faith BUT really with little or no real accountability or proof – and that was a BIG OOPS. SO, there within the problem LIES – the Narcissist is so very adept at circumventing the intellect and manipulating man/womankind by their craft or better yet craftiness that they have perfected all of their life, so they target us where it counts – OUR EMOTIONS, TRUST, and LOVE! Too bad we couldn’t have run a ‘love or past relationship’ report on them because their rating would have probably been a ZERO! But we were all raised with love and relationships and generally when someone shows us these normal qualities we tend to believe them because they are familiar to us.
Because Narcissists have depleted or deleted their character so profoundly through choices contrary to the norms of reason or basic DENIAL, they will even begin to see themselves as what they project, mirror, and bounce off of us – so basically we give life to their delusions. If you are not governed by any natural or moral laws, but by the law of “whatever you want to be to get whatever you want” well then you hold great power, but you need to CONTROL the world to achieve this superiority, so the Narcissist is fundamentally a dictator and rule their world.
Unfortunately, this comes at a great cost to the Narcissist and their biggest weakness is that it is never enough and they fall into their “out-of-control” lifestyle quickly for more and more adulation and supply from wherever they can get it. Betrayal, addictions, many affairs on the side, gas-lighting, horrendous lies, etc., are all part of the façade and they become so careless that when they are caught and made accountable time after time, their ‘subjects’ (targets/victims) retaliate. A dictator only uses a stronger fist to subdue their ‘subjects’ and likewise a Narcissist does the same with a ‘smear campaign’ of lies to destroy their victim’s integrity. A Narcissist can’t substantiate their delusional lifestyle with us to maintain a relationship because eventually the dictator Narcissist turns hateful, destructive, AND bored. It is of course our entire fault for not cultivating/nurturing all of their delusions and lies and allowing them to maintain the abusive life they created for us. SO, when all is said and done the Narcissist is really running away from their own lies and delusions because they are afraid of being EXPOSED! Obviously, they KNOW what they are doing but they just do not care because they do not have the mechanics to do so – and that is what defines this horrendous personality disorder – a person that does not have the ability to care, feel, or think like we do.
The Narcissist can’t maintain their facade without exposing their true colors, and exposure is their greatest fear. So, the Narcissist exerts their last bit of power to annihilate the very source that could expose the truth or their target/victims. Hence all those clinical terms that describe the repercussions of our relationship with them like back stabbing and the ‘smear campaign’ and BOOM we are destroyed, done and gone forever. No-one is ever the wiser so life goes on FOR THE NARCISSIST while we pay for it with no closure whatsoever. Don’t forget that there are always THOSE subjects that the Narcissist has been grooming while they were abusing us so there you go again – BOOM – they have a brand new ‘subject’ (target/victim) ready and waiting to serve them and new soldiers to protect their lies and shore up the fortress. The biggest point I want to reinforce is that this had NOTHING to do with YOU. It was situational and abuse and you were conned and betrayed in an inhumane and disabling manner so this creature could get at what they wanted. You ARE still that amazing person and you WILL recover from this with the truth, education, self-compassion, introspection, and time. You are an amazing person to have come this far and you will survive and recover from this! No/minimal contact is the ONLY way to end the abuse and move forward to healing and recovery! Greg
Intuition – that voice that we heard in our heads but never acknowledged as fully as we should have with a Narcissist!
Does this scenario sound familiar to you? I became so discombobulated in this abstract and distorted world with my Narcissist because I had no real sense that I was with a personality disordered individual – unfortunately targets/victims never do. This all didn’t happen overnight, it was post ‘love bombing’ so I totally missed the biggest part of the manipulation or the fake love BECAUSE that was the seamless trap a Narcissist uses. So, after the trap was set and I was caught up in the vast array of the positive loving manipulations (love bombing) I just traveled down the normal road of creating and growing in a relationship with what I believed was a ‘normal,’ loving and deserving person. Boy that saying that hindsight is 20/20 REALLY comes into play with a Narcissist!
I know that it is relevant to say that there were these ‘red flags’ waving all along but I have to say they were not as bright and red as so many relate to this abuse or better yet right there in the very beginning. Let’s just say they were light pink because the Narcissist bleached those ‘red flag’ scenarios out with compensatory arguments, lies and more manipulation – or better yet filters that the Narcissist mentally installs in our hearts and minds to divert us from seeing the truth! Love bombing is the first and biggest and by far the most destructive filter that the Narcissist puts in place and utilizes to its fullest advantage to open the doors to our mind and heart to gain our undying love and trust. It is hard as a normal human being to imagine that a predator (Narcissist) would use fake love to lure targets/victims into their world BUT that is the trap they set and that is to conquer us through our emotions first! They are shrewd creatures and they have more ‘mental’ filters that they keep installing into our minds throughout the whole cycle of abuse to basically manage us down and disable our reality – again let’s call it what it is – emotional and psychological ABUSE!
So pushing forward to the ‘post love bombing’ or the devaluation. YES, I was blind sighted and walking on those proverbial eggshells and worrying about what I said or if I was behaving the right way to avoid feeling more desperation from all of the crazy arguments AND warding off the possibility of another verbal attack BUT I kept trying harder! I was conditioned and managed down and really wasn’t an individual by any means, I was just an audience, scapegoat, AND servant to this Narcissist’s crazy making, chaos, and delusions but somehow I accepted responsibility. The Narcissist was so methodical with manipulation and control and always dangling that love over me by throwing me a little bone once in a while and YES usually something so small and insignificant, but I would get exhilarated once again, thinking that this Narcissist thought a little about me and trying with ANY small gesture or token because IT WAS SOMETHING!
This is what manipulative conditioning and managing down is all about – locking you up in such confusion and making you vulnerable! Couple that with the ‘love bombing’ that trapped us all into this abuse, and THEN we invested time into what appeared to be REAL love but the brainwashing and devaluation was what kept us confused and locked in ONLY as a source of supply as we were meant to be! This was ALL fueled by the Narcissist to achieve their agenda and then move on to the next target – it was OU turn and we WERE that ‘next target’ until we reached our expiration date. I had experience with real love and relationships and I was blind sighted by the seamless job this Narcissist did with the ‘love bombing’ and believed it was as real as my other positive experiences from past relationships. It wasn’t desperation it was a small glimmer of hope that just maybe there was the promise of achieving or better yet reigniting a cohesiveness in the relationship – this is what people do in normal relationships – work things out. What I was overlooking and justifying became my abuse and THEN it turned into a desperate love because of the mental abuse!
I didn’t realize that I was being conned and manipulated so seamlessly and losing my ability to see the reality of the situation. The more I tried, and the more empathy I poured out to this Narcissist the more I fed and enabled the psychological abuse, and every day was only disabling my reality and creating cognitive dissonance. There was no instruction manual that came with this creature or a sign that said this was a malignant Narcissist, but something ALWAYS felt wrong and I could never put my finger directly on it. I just really couldn’t get any headway in trying to solve the many issues that seemed to constantly surround this relationship.
Issues piled up layer upon layer with no time in between to solve any one of them and it became an insurmountable feat or that huge maze and I was lost – it became my new normal. A Narcissist surrounds you with so many lies, diversions, manipulation, betrayal, etc., that you are caught in a maze of total confusion where there is absolutely no way out once you become lost there. Furthermore, you are not even aware that you are in this destructive maze! In time, this scenario only got worse as if this Narcissist took extreme pleasure in torturing me, punishing me, taunting me, and just being intentionally cruel. This creature knew exactly what they were doing. Then there were the LIES – so many of them that now (many years later) I believe that EVERYTHING out of this Narcissist’s mouth was/is a lie!
Normal love is a strong emotion that we build up to, but once there we hand our heart AND our trust over unconditionally to this person because usually they reciprocate in the same manner and that is what starts the journey, but with a Narcissist it is a death sentence. Everybody pursues a relationship at some point in their life because it is part of the human condition and normally we can identify the ‘jerks’ but a Narcissist is a predator and seamless with their game and pursuit and the ‘love bombing’ is the bait they use to be successful in making us a source of supply. This is not being foolish, allowing this abuse, wanting it, being weak or any of the above – it was horrendous manipulation at the hands of a ‘not fully functioning human being’ that had an agenda AND still does. Remember a Narcissist’s survival is dependent on finding constant sources of supply and really a matter of life and death as far as they are concerned. It is like going to a doctor to have surgery, and you just trust that this really is a doctor that will have your best interests and health in mind. You have met the doctor, the doctor has been part of your community and seems functional, so you go through with the surgery because you believe this doctor is REAL. Narcissist usually come across as functioning and ‘normal’ people too and you would think that the world would know what a fraud they really are, but the Narcissist carefully keeps their past well hidden.
I did realize the truth of my situation, but what conspired between the love bombing and when I finally figured out the truth was dehumanizing and disabling psychological abuse. Giving a Narcissist credit that they are NOT cognitive of their actions is like enabling any other criminal that has acted out against the law and dehumanized another person with their actions. Narcissists are psychological terrorists/rapists pure and simple and they need to be made accountable for their crimes! Yes, it would be great to find a cure, help them and give them all the human compassion possible – but didn’t we already do this? It is not being scorned, mean or anything but the realization of the truth and that is they are personality disordered and they are dangerous and destructive to other human beings. Unfortunately, society has only attached the clinical label but that is as far as it goes for now. The rest is up to us and that involves our personal safety, healing and moving completely away from this situation and person. Yes, the emotional and psychological abuse is deep seeded inside of us all, but we have to fix this no matter what and more than often the support is just not always right there – BUT we must find it through knowledge, education, the support of other victims/survivors, and professional help if need be. If we don’t choose a path of real recovery we will be locked up with the shell shock of this abuse forever. Face it our stories are too incredulous and we would have had issues believing stories like our own before we were abused. We know the truth and that is all we have and all we need to really start moving forward. Healing is not giving up as if we resign to the fact that we were just not smart enough, or allowed the abuse but instead it is believing in yourself and empowering yourself with the truth and that is what will move you forward. We must first accomplish this through no/minimal contact! Greg
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Today or whatever day you are sitting there and feeling such a debilitating and sick feeling in the pit of your stomach because of something you saw or heard that this Narcissist is off and having the time of their life with a new person is just all about the Narcissist warping your reality AGAIN (AND the new supplies unfortunately.) This is still all about the devaluation that you spent so much of your time trying to reconcile – you believed that so much of this was your fault and that blame lingers in your mind and NOW you believe that this Narcissist has found a new and better ‘love of their life.’ You are still trying to fix this in some manner to alleviate the pain you feel, but now it is only at a distance and you are the only participant. That Narcissist is off and into a new target/victim, so you keep searching for those answers where there really aren’t any REAL answers and only images that lead you back to feeling like YOU were/are unworthy.
OK so your Narcissist is sending all kinds of messages that they are in love, maybe they got married within a few weeks after they abandoned you (or if YOU were the one that left the relationship.) First who does that – you don’t meet someone within days or weeks of a breakup and commit to them. WELL a Narcissist does AND probably had that supply on the side the whole time as backup. What I am trying to get at is that this is all about the cycle of abuse – the love bombing, devaluation, discard and then the Narcissist with new supply within a very short period of time. This is just a new person for this Narcissist to cycle into abuse and more than likely they have been searching for, procuring, and building up a harem of new supply throughout your entire relationship with them.
SO that pretty picture about the two of them out there and being in love, etc., is that Narcissist SECURING new supply to LOCK into the debilitating abuse PURE and SIMPLE. Call it stage one or the ‘love bombing,’ but it is EXACTLY what you went through when YOU met this Narcissist. You still feel attached at the hip to this Narcissist because you had REAL emotions as it concerned YOUR relationship and probably still love them. Unfortunately, even though the Narcissist was akin to a monster, the love you felt for them doesn’t just disappear when you finally realize that what you loved was an abusive Narcissist. Because you loved them DOESN’T make you weak or anything negative because we all fall in love but unfortunately what we fell into was a trap and con job that was expertly executed and NOW being repeated with a new target. Your emotions WILL still come into play when you are trying to actualize the truth of this whole mess and especially after seeing that they have moved on so quickly and you are still crawling your way out of the huge void they left for you and feeling traumatized. You HAVE to separate yourself from emotions with pure fact. It isn’t easy when you are so vulnerable, but at least if you can say to yourself that they are abusers and what they have with the new supply is just as unreal as what you experienced, it will start to plant a seed in your mind that will grow with time (and more education) – AND A CLEARER PICTURE about the truth.
Narcissists don’t love they secure supply and trap that supply with what appears to be love BUT ISN’T anything near it (as you are getting to understand now). You are seeing your life with them being repeated in the EXACT same pattern. The only coefficient that is different here is the new supply that is NONE THE WISER. That new supply is the new you and will be in your shoes one day. It is just a matter of time until the new supply figures it all out and that could be months to years, but BE ASSURED it WILL happen as it did to you and anyone else that connects to this Narcissist. All of their relationships failed and guess whose fault it was? Well the Narcissist isn’t going to admit that they are disordered and not a fully functioning human so it is ALWAYS the other person that gets the blame. Just textbook logic.
Take yourself back and how you were duped into this relationship and you handed all of your trust over to this Narcissist. Did you somehow magically change and become so disordered that you deserved to be dehumanized and abused like you were? NO, NO, NO – this is what abuse is all about as it concerns this predator securing supply. Again, it is just using control as a tool to isolate a target, gain power over them and keeping them dancing with the disordered Narcissist. It is objectification and subjugation of a human being!
If you ever broke up from a previous and normal relationship did you feel this disconnected and left without any sense of closure? Were you hated as a Narcissists hates their ex’s, or was your integrity destroyed? Only Narcissists do this with astonishing agility to destroy those that they know they have harmed! Just look for the Narcissist’s past and you won’t find it anywhere within reach of the new supply. The Narcissist separates their past from their present for a reason and that is to avoid exposure. You could talk until you are blue in the face to the new supply but you will probably get nowhere because they believe just as you did at one time that THIS IS THEIR SOUL MATE. BUT they do know something is not quite right even now and trust me on this one!
So, remember, every message you may hear or see is sent to make you feel jealous, hurt you and manage you down more AND to keep you vulnerable and silent. When I look back and piece these messages together I only see ‘crazy making’ and contradictory messages like the Narcissist had to convince many people once more that another failed relationship was NOT their fault. This is nothing new for a Narcissist to have so much craziness around them – this is their out-of-control lifestyle, but unfortunately they HAVE to have a 24/7 source of supply there to drag through their pretend world – and that was all of our roles as it is the new supplies role now. When relationships end both parties usually move on, but the Narcissist does not allow this because they still want to control and demean us and if you partake in any of their messages you will only stay frozen within those messages. But if you allow yourself time to heal and NEW clarity you will see through all of their deceit.
The emotions that we draw our conclusions from loving this Narcissist can damage us more and become a driving force especially as it concerns this abuse. There is no closure just tons of messages from a disordered creature that wants you to feel their wrath as well as abuse you just a little bit more to perhaps take you over the edge – I had to deal with this for almost a YEAR. Don’t let it because it will only lock you up in a vicious circle of obsessive thoughts that have no basis of reality because you are dealing with a Narcissist and you NOW know what they are and do. They want to continue to control you and enjoy it with all of their off-color messages and gestures of happiness. The many supporters they SEEM to have are surface friends that haven’t had to deal with their abuse personally as we have so they are clueless and lack the depth to see the real truth. Narcissist don’t maintain or harbor deep friendships, they con, use and abuse. We can’t blame the new supply or dislike them, because we were in THEIR shoes once and look where it got us, BUT we also protected the Narcissisrt and stayed with them until we couldn’t anymore.
In reality you loved the love, because you were the only participant in this relationship. There was a body there with you but it used and abused you and loved the adulation and admiration it saw reflected in your face. This creature extorted your whole life through betraying and cheating your love day after day. Just what would you consider as viable love in your relationship with them? What would you want from this Narcissist that can never love you, more abuse because that is the only thing they have to offer?
When you feel the urges to drown yourself with emotions, just remember those emotions were real to you and you are an amazing person that can love but that person you loved was stealing your life through this love. They are disordered and will always be that way. You must separate your emotions from the reality of WHAT they are and build on that aspect through more education. There is NOTHING amazing about them and never will be, they will continue abusing people and tricking all of their little minions that they manipulate as well.
The cost of your relationship was a deep psychological punch to your mind and soul that left scars. Don’t ask yourself to justify anything about your Narcissist and new supply as being good or real. Don’t connect to ANYTHING that they are waving in your face at a distance because they are doing it for a reason to protect themselves and fool more people into believing their incredulous lies and disordered lifestyle. Try to stay away from any thoughts about them as it concerns you and the love you felt. Turn that back into yourself and take your power back. Love yourself because that is where you will see the results that will take you on a journey to recovery! No/minimal contact and no peaking to see what is going on in their world. It is a dark and disordered world that you should never look back at. Greg
Backstabbing and the Smear Campaign! Damned if we do or damned if we don’t. Why do Narcissists basically get away with abuse and why do people believe them first and then we are left having to fight to get our integrity back?
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Many, if not all Narcissists completely get away with their psychological terrorism and they basically murder their targets self-esteem, mind, soul AND their integrity with their backstabbing and ‘smear campaign!’ Be it the bullying, slander, or abuse, things that should be prosecutable offenses and they do this all of their lives. So just how do they get away with it all without any consequences AND why do people believe them? WELL, first off because the Narcissist KNOWS that they are creating outrageous and dehumanizing acts against people and humanity – they also think up ways to avoid the consequences, especially because of what they fear the most – EXPOSURE of who they are and what they do! Funny how this works – they do not care in the least bit as far as how they damage people, but they make sure that NOBODY is ever wise to their actions – BUT that describes a personality disordered person – toxic, chaotic, unstable and abusive!
A couple simple approaches to understanding this craziness and chaos. A Narcissist uses targeted confusion, lies and manipulation with backstabbing and that smear campaign OR divide and conquer – this also helps divert the attention away from the Narcissist who is the culprit. SO THE BIG PLAN – that shrewd Narcissist destroys the victim’s credibility well in advance, so they are ten steps ahead of the game by destroying the victim’s integrity well before they abandon them – it makes ‘getting away’ easier for the Narcissist. They are by far NOT geniuses, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you want to get away with something like abusing someone, you first launch an effective pre-emptive attack on their character, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when the truth finally starts emerging that they (target/victim) was abused. Here is the formula for the Narcissist to be successful at this – abuse and then accuse your target/victim of the very atrocity they (the Narcissist) has committed and BOOM you are on top of your game to escape the exposure. They have been backstabbing/smearing us behind our backs from the very first day that we met them – but we were very distracted by the ‘love bombing’ and growing trust with this creature OR just us being a normal and empathic human being that opened up our hearts and giving our TRUST to them implicitly. Meanwhile that dark Narcissistic creature was gathering up information to use against us when they needed it and building up their minions, flying monkeys or Narcissistic support soldiers.
The basic facts of life as it concerns those people that love to put themselves in the middle to judge others, or the Narcissists best friends and supporters or MINIONS – they are toxic and basically abusers too. BUT the bigger lesson of “damned if we do or damned if we don’t” is the culprit here too! Everybody knows that when somebody defends themselves from accusations with accusations, the majority will always believe the one who accused first and views the ‘defendant’ (the victim) as the attacker, the scorned one and retaliating as if the target/victim were caught in OR did the outrageous things that the Narcissist has alleged. This is irrational, because the initial accuser (the Narcissist) is the attacker and there is no more reason to believe one party over the other but people do! Lastly if we don’t make an attempt to stand up or defend our integrity we are guilty by the design of the disordered Narcissist’s smear campaign. No win situation for the target or victim, especially when they are already vulnerable from the ABUSE and basically a shell of a person.
So, people believe the Narcissist first. The more preposterous the Narcissist’s accusations, the more firmly people believe them because they got there first spreading their poisonous lies! It is like when a child comes forward with accusations of abuse, people are going to (or basically have to) believe the child to get to the truth about the allegations. Any and all preposterous accusations will always yield very strong attention to the subject matter because you just can’t walk away from such a dangerous and damaging situation without offering support because it would seem if the person listening didn’t care or lacked the empathy to help the lying Narcissist out. Just the shrewd monster acting out their destructive agenda.
The disordered Narcissist commits moral mayhem by destroying the victim’s reputation and credibility, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when they start to tell the truth. Truthfully this description of mayhem that the Narcissist used to destroy the target/victim’s integrity is purely projection, so the Narcissist gets a bonus by dumping their demons onto us as well! Thus with the Narcissist this preemptive back-stabbing and smear campaign, allows the Narcissist to reduce the target/victim to such a vulnerable and helpless state that it compounds the abuse at the highest level by accusing the target/victim of being the abuser as well. Remember that the Narcissist used the ‘familiarity’ of knowing us personally to ‘be in the know’ about many of our situations and that familiarity will yield semi-valid but distorted ‘personal’ information and connections to events and other people. In other words, their smear campaign will be laced with small bits and pieces of a distorted truth that listeners can relate to. So there you have it – the Narcissist carries out their abuse to fruition with their ‘smear campaign’ after they have discarded their victim and that gives them the protection to run off unscathed. We have to remember that what they have said is ALL lies as well as consider that any so called ‘friends’ that know us AND would believe those lies without asking us is not worth our consideration yet alone our friendship. No/minimal contact to get away from this madness once and for all! Greg