Category Archives: Narcissism
The “Ah Ha” quiz! Do any of these statements define you, or have you experienced any of the following?
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
1. You always seem to feel physically tense, anxious, some aches and pains, stomach ache, fast heart rate, difficulties breathing and fatigued.
2. You never seem to know what to expect at any given moment on any given day with this PARTICULAR person. You feel like everything is about to turn upside down, even if you have a nice day planned. You just never know if some small thing is going to turn into an argument, or you will be raged at, made fun of, or silenced and punished. Your husband, wife, friend, partner, brother, sister, father or mother is seemingly caring and considerate one moment and then coldly dismisses you the next moment with no warning and no justification.
3. You have developed a severely damaged sense of self-worth and self-esteem and always seem to be second guessing yourself or your worth in every situation with this person.
4. EVERYTHING seems to have a negative spin attached to it. How you cook, how you clean, a gift you give, what you wear, your friends, your job, and your looks – everything is a TARGET FOR NEGATIVE COMMENTS.
5. You have had prolonged bouts of depression and anxiety. You seem to cycle in and out of these periods of depression and anxiety and this seems to be in direct correlation with the chronological time you have spent with this person.
6. You begin to doubt your own existence and your sense of reality as if somebody has kidnapped your spirit.
7. You experience lack of sleep for prolonged periods of time.
8. You feel as if you are not a real person in your relationship, more like a pet that is trained to do tricks like jumping through hoops, etc.
9. You feel as if you are not allowed to voice your own thoughts and opinions or you will be put in your place, raged at and even punished.
10. You feel it is an enormous struggle to be heard or acknowledged as an individual.
11. You feel that every problem in your relationship is somehow your fault and you are always blamed and shamed for everything.
12. You have experience exaggerated feelings of guilt and shame.
13. You are always drawn back into trying to fix or relate to him/her even though you only experience pain/blame/shame in doing so. It becomes a vicious cycle that seems to only get worse.
14. You feel trapped as if in an impossible situation, unable to find a way out.
15. You feel as if you have to fight all the time and are worn out and exhausted or basically forced into a corner all the time.
16. You are confused constantly with racing thoughts, as if you are losing your mind trying to find some sort of peace.
17. You feel as if you are surrounded with negativity. Everything you do, everything you say is met with some sort of comment that negates you or an action you do.
18. Arguments seem to appear out of nowhere.
19. You are made to feel physically ugly and mentally unstable with words or actions from this person.
20. You feel like you are going insane, or better yet pushed to believe you are insane by actions that are not you like forgetfulness, missing items, etc.
21. You are raw with emotions none of which make any sense to you anymore – but you know this feeling all too well anymore. Your thoughts may not even be clear enough at this point to understand that something is terribly wrong with you because you are always in a fog and basically DISSABLED. You are probably thinking of ways to “fix” the relationship AGAIN. Perhaps you may know that the situation is just not right but you are even willing to “fix” him/her, but at what cost to you? You may even be getting ready to crawl back to your partner, but you know the drill so well because it is like a reoccurring dream where you are screaming and can’t be heard or trying to run and you aren’t able to move.
YES, to all of the above in my situation – so WHY and HOW did I get there? A little personal information to help you understand!
Throughout my relationship, I knew that the person I was ‘with’ wasn’t emotionally well, I just didn’t know how unwell AND how emotionally unwell I had become for even wanting to continue and staying in this toxic relationship. I was blind sighted by the ‘love bombing’ and believing the “woe-be-me” stories/excuses in the beginning which are the most dangerous of the tools a Narcissist uses to trap their target.
For those who have been through it, I don’t need to explain any of this. It just didn’t make any sense to me! It was like something inside of them is/was wrong, injured, or whatever. Unfortunately, I believed it could be fixed or I could HEAL this person so I kept applying “bandages” in an attempt to fix something SO unseen, so deep, and so damaged that I couldn’t even begin to understand it yet alone fix it. I WAS TOTALLY BLINDSIGHTED by what was abuse and I ended up damaging MYSELF IN THE PROCESS!
Empathy, caring and unconditional love can cure many things, but NOT with a Malignant Narcissist and it would be more akin to throwing gas on a fire with the hopes to extinguish it. They are not in ANY relationship for friendship, bonding, or love by any means! What really defines them is an abhorrent being and someone that would scheme, manipulate and brain-wash another into believing they had something that was a connection, real, or even as wonderful as “love” and then use THAT to debase, dehumanize and destroy the person AFTER they got what it was that they wanted. But that is the downfall of anybody that buys into this abhorrent relationship with them – BELIEVING in them!
Normal in my relationship was basically achieving ONE SINGLE DAY without some sort of incident where I was blamed, shamed or punished AND RAGED at for something or other – and usually something delusional or unreal. “Normal” simply meant that my Narcissist was still there and we achieved a complete day without an incident. What was so hidden behind all of this was the reality of just what was there with me – a lying, betraying, perverted, manipulative, cheating, delusional, disordered, vile, and VOLATILE human being that got off on hurting and punishing me. An argument (out of nowhere) would always end up as 3 days of silence and punishment – and the opportunity for this Narcissist to constantly cheat, betray and then blame me. This sounds crazy but it is the real truth – UNFORTUNATELY the truth isn’t apparent when we need it to be because they are PRO’s at this game. Add to this that we tend to view the world in a NORMAL or reality based manner, and within that thought process I NEVER thought another adult was capable of doing the things this person did to me and my family. It is like the iceberg theory – what you see above the water is MINOR compared to what is beneath the water!
I started investigating and reading everything I could find on any mental illness that this person would fit into so I could help THEM. I had always suspected that bipolar was the possible diagnosis because the Narcissist’s mother as well as an ex-spouse mentioned it to me on numerous occasions as it concerned many problems from a PAST marriage, so that was where I began AND that blind sighted me to the real truth. I just couldn’t understand how this person, could all of the sudden, be so detached, so cold, cruel, distant, and with a temper so terrible that it was actually scary and getting worse. It was meant to be scary because that is how they debase and control – they are psycho bullies that have to feel powerful by putting life and people down. This person was BEYOND anything I could have done to help – and I am not even sure that there is therapy enough out there to make a dent in how disordered and vile this Malignant Narcissist had been to me and my family, as well as many before me. I only wish I could have known about this disorder to know that I wasn’t dealing with someone that couldn’t change or even wanted to change – I was dealing with a predator that I fell prey to!
Then there were all of these CRAZY, horrible and UNTRUE things this person (the Narcissist) was saying about me and WHY? Then I found information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it was like a light bulb turned on inside my head and a HUGE ‘Ah Ha’ moment. From that point on I knew that what I suspected was true and that there was a name to this disorder and none of this was about me or my fault. It was a Malignant Narcissist I was dealing with!
At that point in my juncture I wanted to know more. I discovered a wealth of knowledge in websites, personal blogs, articles and books relating to the subject. I couldn’t believe the number of people who had been through similar situations AND most if not all had been to hell and back trying desperately to make things work with their partners, only to wind up alone and confused, hurt and ABUSED. I read so many horror stories about this ‘personality disorder’ that was basically describing cruelty or even evil.
With knowledge, education and the support of other victims/targets you will see the complete picture – and it will never make what they did better, but you will understand because you have finally been educated into what they are and what YOU aren’t. A Narcissist is a dead giveaway in the way they create their delusional turmoil after each and every departure from one of their con jobs or relationships as the Narcissist prefers to call them. While they are running away like the thieves they really are with their tails between their legs, they are really running away from the truth of who and what they are. We are the truth they are running from as they are throwing lies at us in an effort to smear our integrity and destroy us. They never can or will admit to what they have done, instead they will always slither into someone else’s life to find shelter, and take what they can emotionally and physically. No/minimal contact to end the madness and chaos. Greg
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
I want to educate, describe and give some insight about some of the typical ways a Narcissist maintains their ‘center of the universe’ agenda or omnipotence. How they ‘operate’ as well as some of their manipulative reactions to distort our reality through blaming, shaming, drama, invalidating, making fun of your insecurities, and sharing secrets with others to triangulate and make you out to be the biggest piece of ‘poo’ in the world to build themselves up. This is all categorized as their manipulative CRAZY MAKING!
They will fake or imitate sincerity, caring, and honor under the guise of good intentions with an agenda to GET SOMETHING from you or anybody – they take us from CHARM to HARM.
They blame and blame some more and then blame again, NEVER taking personal responsibility for anything they do wrong which is most everything because their needs and desires can basically be described as out-of-control and they do NOT care who they harm in the process of getting what they want!
They are HIGH maintenance creatures because they need your constant attention, praise, and deference to all of their whims, fancies and needs without a single consideration to any of your needs. Deprive them of something they want and look out as they reveal their true destructive nature through raging and attacks!
They COMPLETELY lack all empathy so they just don’t care who they harm, use, or abuse! It doesn’t matter if it is you, me, their mother/father, brother/sister, biological children, friends, senior citizens, husband/wife, the pastor/priest, law enforcement officials, and judges – get the point they will psychologically ABUSE everybody to GET THEIR WAY!
They may put on a great show, even smile, hug you, OR even ask how you are, but seriously they are not interested about you as a living and breathing person, yet alone an individual that shares this planet with them – you are only supply and they WANT something! Think of them as a trained parrot saying “Pauley wants a cracker” but with them it is more aptly described as “Narcissist wants some supply.” There is no meaning behind the words with Pauley or the Narcissist, it is just a learned behavior to get something they want.
If you ever dare point out one of their many flaws or an error they made, they will strike out at you in a poisonous and defensive mode like a snake. They will counter any notion with anger, venting, rage, silencing, ignoring you with a cold shoulder, or abandon you as DUE punishment.
They will create some amazing and exciting plans, but rarely will make them happen. They want you to anticipate their generosity but they will never offer anything more than the empty words. It is all ‘make believe’ or better yet “manipulating you to believe.” Basically it is a ploy to make you believe they are giving and caring. Ask them about those non-existent plans and they will turn it around on you saying you just never seemed interested, or they never said this or that, etc.
They will shift blame onto you to purposely make you feel defensive, then they will belittle and devalue you for being defensive, saying you are ‘an angry person’ or over-reacting by taking everything so personally. Since they do this so seamlessly they always keep you in a place of insecurity and confused or walking on those eggshells. They totally invalidate your ability to have any opinion as far as it concerns their words AND actions! You are always frozen in place to deflect the truth of what they are AND they will keep you there forever trying to only please them until you stop believing.
They will help you out in some manner but make you feel indebted for the little thing they have done AND they will keep reminding you of it! It invalidates the bigger picture of all that YOU have done for them.
They are psychotic story tellers, braggers, brow-beaters, psycho-bullies, arrogant, big-headed, con-artists, and one enormous lie.
Whatever they may do to help you out, they will make you feel beholden to them FOREVER. But they are never appreciative or even acknowledge any help you give – they will even find some way to negate whatever you do for them.
They are extremely skilled at making and distorting your reality with their words, actions and manipulations basically conditioning you to crave their constant approval or become dependent on them.
They build you up then knock you down. They will make you feel loved and very special, then they emotionally distance themselves from you to keep you unsure of the relationship and your reality.
They are a mishmash of behaviors and actions that they have harvested from different people they met at different times in their life. All of their ideas or ways of behaving in any given situation are stolen from others, people they know or perhaps think of as an authority or special. They morph into these qualities like an actor memorizing their role in a play or a movie because they do not have their own ‘normal’ reality.
They push your buttons like an elevator, with constant ‘ups and downs’ to keep you off-balance blameworthy OR the very opposite of this with positive compliments to lock you back up into the cycle of abuse.
They groom you with subtle to extreme manipulation with a combination of charm and rage (harm) to keep you controlled.
Their sense of omnipotence and self-importance (extreme neediness) means that they will manage down the conversations of others and bring it back onto themselves. Whatever you were discussing that may have been personal and important always turns around into a subject that concerns THEM and your words are lost forever and diminished.
They are PATHOLOGICAL liars, using all forms of lies to deceive. To quote a friend of mine, “If they are breathing, they are lying!”
They treat people as servants and expect them to do mundane things or always pay their way, since they feel so deserving and too important to do them. They manage people down to be more of a servant to them without a voice.
They constantly use “I”, “me,” and “my” when they talk because they are the most important thing in the world – it is ALWAYS about them. To go a step in the same direction, it is always “me, myself, and I” and never ever “we” unless they need something so they manipulate you once more to believe in the “we.”
You will very rarely if ever hear them talk about their innermost thoughts, life, memories, or dreams, because there are none that are real and personal to them – they will LIE and make up situations to create a false image of their extreme goodness and amazing life. For example – they will pose in a picture with their biological children as if they are such a real participant in their world when they just happened to be in a situation where their spouse did ALL of the work and the Narcissist poses for the photo opportunity only but did NOTHING real to support the spouse’s efforts in raising them.
They remain at a childlike level of maturity where there is never any growth – there is no operable maturity in their thinking and they ACT like a spoiled 3-year-old.
They express fake empathy, and use it as a tool that they con unsuspecting targets into their lair of darkness. They preach at that pulpit of respectability and morality where there is NONE in reality.
They only “give to get” by being nice or helpful expecting reciprocation. Always an agenda to get or take something as supply.
They present themselves as “having it all together or being on top of the world” never showing or divulging their many failures, weaknesses AND true darkness!
They shift to a defensive mode and/or rage very frequently when they feel threatened or are made accountable for their deceptive manner. This is a HUGE control mechanism to keep you in a subservient place or role in their lives!
They apologize, but it is ALWAYS shallow and never means there will be a real change in the bad behavior they were called on, it just means they are reeling you back to abuse you more for supply!
They deflect or run from their own problems rather than addressing them responsibly AND just blame someone else in the world. It is always YOUR fault that they did what they did!
They will demand your trust rather than earning it – and they will never be transparent enough for you to see any of their real qualities only the fake ones they create to shore up their ‘good’ image. They KNOW that they aren’t real enough to trust, so they always deflect to hide what they really are.
They see you as an extension of themselves, an object to use, you are never an individual and they will resist your every attempt at freedom from being a source of supply.
They re-write history, create incredulous and false stories, euphemisms, make up their own rules and laws but obey none. Their truth is completely FALSE!
They always talk about themselves to stay in control – our role is that of an entity like a mirror where they can stroke their ego through the false image they reflect onto us!
They find all of your weaknesses and exploit them to make you feel vulnerable AND they will use them against you by always pointing them out.
They honor NO personal boundaries and rarely listen or respect your “No.”
They will easily take advantage of others to reach their own goals without giving their actions a second thought. There is absolutely NO empathy in their world.
They will take or steal whatever they want from you or anybody. What is yours is theirs (without asking!)
Their façade is to always appear to be tough-minded, unyielding and unemotional to remain in control of others. But they will react to criticism with anger, blame-shifting, shaming or humiliating others to maintain their façade.
They fail to recognize people as individuals and consequently demean, devalue and dehumanize everybody that enters their lair of deceit.
They are very aggressive, hostile, verbally vicious, MEAN, and will punish anybody that wounds their delicate ego. They will divert to their defensive mode and will rip you apart with their rage and disgusting mouth. They think nothing of physically making fun of somebody to empower themselves and this makes them feel like they are in control.
They will vocalize regret for their actions but it is for ‘show’ and only for a short period of time. They will soon rationalize it away with blame, shame, project and basically dumping it all down our throat as being the problem and not them.
In some cases, they present themselves as ALWAYS being the sexiest, best looking and they will tell you how this person and that one checked them out and ‘wanted’ them. Their appearance is important, so primping in every mirror, and fastidiousness is common ground for them.
They talk in such inappropriate ways and believe that they are above reproach and we actually want to hear their perverse words or listen to their descriptive dialogue about their out-of-control lifestyle.
They will rationalize everything to make sure they always come out on top by negating praise that is appropriated to someone else.
They will steal your idea, your plan, your wisdom and EVEN your life and make it their own. They will fake their credentials, re-write history, name drop, lie on their resume or about their credentials – anything to get what they want without earning it the correct way.
They can create destructive chaos in any organization or business environment and cause dissention among the people that work there. This includes volunteer situations, church organization or virtually any group setting that they join.
This is a PARTIAL list of how they successfully make their ‘crazy making’ an operative agenda in every situation. Their abuse is never confined to just relationships they abuse every person and or situation that they are a participant. Their abuse is all too familiar to their families, biological children, friendships, co-workers, and organizations they are involved in. Unfortunately, the closer you are to them the more apparent their abuse becomes. They charm their way into everybody’s lives and ALWAYS harm them. I coined the phrase from “charm to harm.” Allowing a Narcissist into your life is a train wreck waiting to happen. You must avoid them like the plague because their crazy making is really psychological abuse that severely damages people, their careers, and their whole life. No/minimal contact is the only anecdote to their destruction and poison! You CAN’T allow them into any aspect of your life! Lock them out of your heart and mind! Greg
Psychological and emotional abuse from a Narcissist can lock a victim up in blame, isolate them, make them believe they have serious issues, and alter their reality and belief system forever without education, knowledge, and SUPPORT!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
There are people out there that will offer simple support or a pat on the back, but in reality without tried and true validation the target/victim simply assumes they are to blame somehow because nobody truly understands the reality of the emotional and psychological terrorism or abuse that the target/victim has experienced – unfortunately the victim DOESN’T understand what has happened either. This is not a person wanting to BE or remain a victim forever, it is a plea for help because they are lost in the abuse and feeling as if something is terribly wrong with them and reaching out. Nobody would want to feel the effects of this abuse just so they can say they are a victim. It is so mentally debilitating that the normal reality of everyday life is so distorted that it basically halts for the target/victim. That is very scary or better yet a horrifying place to be in.
Targets/victims of psychological abuse have to tear down their entire understanding of the world, people and love, and rebuild the whole system from the ground up to feel comfortable in THEIR OWN SKIN again. Information and education is primary in starting out on the road to recovery BUT support from the people closest to the victim is crucial. Unfortunately, with this type of abuse the variable that prohibits this is that most people truly have no viable understanding of just what a Narcissist is or that this abuse is so damaging. So, the lack of support from those closest to the victim (for whatever reason it may be) can actually be the most damaging and dangerous. Again, the target/victim will internalize a bad message one in which they will blame themselves for allowing this to happen and feel very isolated and invalidated.
When a person tells a target/victim to just move on for instance, what message does that send to them? It says that this isn’t that important for you to be here and going on and on with all of your words and describing the details, etc. It is a total invalidation of the abuse and It makes the target/victim believe that they are over-reacting and in turn makes them feel as if they are inferior or damaged and ‘BAM’ the target/victim puts the blame right back onto themselves and may even believe they are crazy. This is a traumatized victim not a person that had an argument with someone they were in a relationship with. Where does the target/victim go for help when they can’t get immediate support for the abuse – those closest to them. Most will go BACK TO THE SOURCE OF THEIR PROBLEM or their abuser if nobody is there to help pull them back up again and feeling emotionally healthy – that is what the abuser wants or pulling them back into the abuse AND control. Traumatization requires viable solutions and answers that validates the reality that their situation was really out of the normal circumstances of day to day life and NOT something that the person experiencing this trauma can just reason away. Unfortunately, some target/victims go on for years without validation and develop poor coping skills as a result of the trauma that are not even viable as far as moving forward and back into a welcoming world – INSTEAD they isolate themselves forever and completely mistrust the world.
The problem with anyone telling a target/victim to move forward and leave everything behind is that it works directly against the best interests of anyone suffering from trauma or better yet Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that occurs after being abused. Unfortunately, this can even occur when the victim of this abuse is in therapy if the therapist does NOT recognize the traumatization aspect of this abuse. There comes a time AFTER everything has been sorted out that we have to go through some deep introspection as it concerns ourselves being COMPLETELY healthy and releasing from the abuse and creating new boundaries by looking inward to find anything that connects us to reoccurring abuse. BUT when you are traumatized you are not feeling healthy to find healthy solutions. So AGAIN recovery is a process that requires specific steps.
Trauma and shock is an outcome of this abuse and the reality or need to rebuild ourselves BUT where is the reality basis for a traumatized person to build from when they are traumatized and can’t seem to function normally enough to take care of themselves. There is no personal experience to build from until they understand the complete picture. What seems reasonable by just moving on will only add up to greater confusion when the target/victim is still left confounded, angry, depressed, anxious and wanting closure where there is none. The victim has to work through the here and now or the trauma to just be able to function WITH complete clarity to understand this whole mess. Then there are the messages that the abuse target/victim is not allowed to be ‘overly negative’ or ‘play the victim’ by blaming anyone else, SO the only person the target/victim can end up blaming or assigning responsibility to, or getting angry with is themselves.
Empowering ourselves has its place, but that is to empower ourselves FIRST with the truth and education to back it up and guide us CORRECTLY to recovery or basically one of many steps. We have to understand that this abuse was situational in the form of abuse from a Narcissist and then and only then can we put together the other components that GOT us there and KEPT us there dancing with this destructive Narcissist. It will be different for every person, but WE CAN NOT force the issue and bury the abuse and trauma by just moving on. Do we want to ALWAYS blame ourselves and forever feel we were responsible because we were not powerful enough and if it happens again we are definitely the problem here? Probably we would end up believing so and that is just defeating the purpose of healing by saying we are just that weak that we always allow ourselves to be abused. No again this is debilitating psychological rape. No abuse is ever our fault so proper perspective has to be a part of the process so that it triggers the correct response when red flags are waving at us and if we should happen to fail again, we will work through it with better perspective. This perspective must give us a clear understanding of the abuse we experienced so we can assimilate that into our future thoughts. Knowledge is power!
Empowerment is PART of the process of reassigning your belief system to include that this WAS abuse and abusers do exist in the real world. A healthy mind will put this into perspective – BUT once that mind is at a place to do so AND with proper steps and education to back it up. We must purge the abuse out in a logical process that includes embracing our grief through anger and every other thought process that appears. We have to DEAL with our thoughts and not just repress them. It may seem viable but anything that is unresolved and buried within us will resurface eventually and that is why so many targets/victims get stuck in this abuse and keep returning to it day after day to find some sort of logic. If we do not get healthy through the many steps of grieving, anger, talking about it to viable listeners, seeking reality through education, finding support through other survivors, taking a mental health break, then we will fail miserably.
Many targets/victims are afraid to speak out about what they are going through because they are afraid they will be looked down upon and considered obsessed, scorned, angry or just plain CRAZY. Again, this is just a result of feeling they must be faulty to be in the position they are in, so they try to appear as if they are doing good when it is the furthest thing from their reality. NO speak out about it and tell the truth of the days you are unable to function, or if you cried for an hour, or you are so mad, feeling isolated and depressed or whatever. You have to validate your experience and not repress it. If it goes on too long than it requires more steps with some professional help from a therapist that has experience with this type of abuse. Self-reflection and introspection are very important when we are feeling clear and healthy enough to look inward again and create boundaries. AGAIN – this is all the outcome of the abuse and being managed down and manipulated. Embracing the reality is a hard pill to swallow, but it will allow you to live again and that is essential. PLEASE – no/minimal contact to start you on your journey to recovery! Greg
We are NEVER alone in this relationship! We are just another OR the next source of supply – nothing more or nothing less! We may be the PRIMARY source of supply but every person in a Narcissist’s world is supply or another object that they use for some reason or purpose. We are ALL temporary and have an expiration date.
The Narcissist idealizes his/her victim for a while – just like “courting” in the ‘old’ days. This “courting” period is the most important aspect of the “big con” that the Narcissist is creating personally for us – it is an investment for them and more like a seduction. The Narcissist brings out the best in their target AND mirrors our good qualities back to us. This could be the very reason we think our Narcissist is so AMAZING — because he/she is mirroring our belief system, our code of ethics, our every like and dislike, our morality, they become a part of our family and circle of friends – they are a dream come true – but the dream swiftly turns into a bad nightmare. We are only seeing ourselves being reflected back to us as if the Narcissist has everything in common with our life. These character traits are NON EXISTANT in the Narcissist and this is an insidious betrayal on their part to gain our trust through pretending to be real, as well as faking one of the most beautiful emotions LOVE (which comes with our undying trust), so they can extort our lives and twist our minds to destroy what they can in the process and WHY?
Remember we are never alone in a relationship with a Narcissist. The Narcissist has an adequate amount of supply ALWAYS and they have their “little black book” of minor sources of supply – BUT AGAIN THEY ARE ALWAYS ADEQUATELY SUPPLIED unbeknownst to us. The Narcissist may choose at some point in time to cultivate or activate any of these minor supplies into major supply – maybe more than one at a time. BUT the point here is that we are all just supply – an object that provides something the Narcissist needs – and their needs are many and varied and none of us are any different than any of the other “suppliers.”
We thrive for a time on this amazing charm and adulation from the Narcissist. What human being doesn’t want to be cared for, valued, treasured, recognized at a level where another person falls in love with us and vice versa? It is easy to be enticed and trapped by all this because we grew up with “love stories” and role models that reinforced a loving and growing relationship for life or as near as we could get to that – so basically we followed a dream that everybody else does.
The Narcissist is ‘cunningly’ complimentary of us at times. He/she may have started to compliment us as well as degrade us in the same sentence – this is the start of the slow and insidious abuse – like administering a poison drop by drop. These underhanded verbal putdowns left us confused more times than we care to remember – that is where the clinical term “gas-lighting” came from and where we are left questioning our own ability to think or comprehend normally because of that and the Narcissist’s grand arsenal of tools. It is mass confusion pure and simple and like a ride on an emotional roller coaster with the constant highs and lows and we can’t get off!
As time goes on, the compliments are less frequent. The verbal put downs, the sarcastic comments, and their body language, make us feel that we have done something horribly wrong. This becomes such a familiar scenario and that feeling of love seems to be constantly replaced by so much “blame and shame.” We change our normal to try to keep that spark alive but there was never a flame there in the first place.
There is absolutely NO responsibility or accountability on their part for anything they do. Couple that with the fact that they do not live in accordance with any written or unwritten laws (common decency to other humans), and they act on every impulse that they have without an iota of care when they harm the very person that loves them in the process. Consequently, they lack any and all morals as far as their life is concerned and they may have multiple partners, they are pathological liars, manipulators, thieves, ETC.! Absolute control of their partner is the goal of the Narcissist to extort supply. Here is the thing this is very difficult to identify and understand in the beginning of a relationship with a Narcissist because they are the world’s best CON artist and they mean to con us out of our mind, integrity, finances, self-esteem and anything else they can get their grubby little hands on – so the “game is on” with THEM.
Accordingly, it is easy to falsely blame yourself or to simply justify their bad behaviors. BUT it is through careful observation that you begin to perceive the true intent of the Narcissists hideous manipulative actions. Unfortunately, the Narcissist has to REEL YOU IN to accomplish his/her abusive agenda and they are very stealth characters when it concerns getting supply. They use our emotions to pull us in and basically lock us up in their world. The abuse is slow and hideous and the Narcissist puts a great deal of time to set the target/victim up in the exact manner to bleed them dry – and with the Narcissist investing so much time and energy they most certainly want what they came for and take it – SUPPLY. This is what I have always said is the MOST manipulative and discerning aspect of this abuse. They are just that good to know how to manipulate a person into “falling in love” with them and then using that as the key to unlock our heads and then start disassembling our mental abilities (psychological terrorism) as well as destroying every other aspect of our lives that they can – they basically erase our personality. I just can’t understand the theory that these characters do not realize their disorder? This is serious stuff my friends and something the world needs to see “in living color” so it is understood that this is a well-articulated plan on the part of a disordered person – perhaps premeditated – but let’s just say they KNOW what they are doing and never forget they LIE, LIE, LIE to cover up their abusive actions when they discard EACH AND EVERY target/victim.
Why did we care so much that we tormented ourselves into thinking that it was us and not them? It is all the manipulation that is laid out for us like a road map, STARTING with manipulating us into loving them. Let’s just say that if they are that good to get us to love them, they are going to do equally well or better to get us to believe we are worthless when they devalue and discard us. Almost like a psychological experiment where conditioning is used to train a rat to press a bar to get a treat. After that rat learns that pressing the bar is good and a treat will follow, the researcher now changes the game and shocks the rat intermittently when it presses the bar. That poor rat was conditioned to believe whole ‘rat-heartedly’ to trust its wonderful friend and provider for that food pellet, and now what happened. So that rat just keeps pressing the bar to see if it can get a treat. It keeps pressing that bar, but more than often it gets shocked now – but it just keeps trying and trying again without the slightest knowledge of why things changed. That is conditioning in its most basic form – but the real rat here is the Narcissist and you better believe that the Narcissist is going to shock the “ba-gee-bee’s” out of you too.
So, the abuse continues and the Narcissist will throw their target a ‘bone’ or give us a moment of value and maybe we’ll even get a glimpse of that fake love we once knew. BUT we are now constantly being devalued and all of this is protocol in the Narcissist agenda to abuse their target/victim and get to the final discard. A better way to describe this abuse is like being dragged down a gravel road.
In my experience this went on as long as it amused the Narcissist and damaged me, it was purely sadistic how this Narcissist devalued me time after time. When I had been drained dry and experiencing a tragedy in my life it was time for the final discard. Being discarded from this Narcissist was THE BEST thing that could have happened to ME!
After the Discard comes the feelings of being worthless – but seriously it is the Narcissist who is worthless. This is the abuse in a nutshell – insidious manipulation to suck the life out of a good person and take whatever the Narcissist could. It is brain-washing, gas-lighting, hypnotism or anything that describes sucking the life out of a good person WITHOUT them knowing the game.
We are weak and fragile when we go through the final stages of this abuse – but that is what this Narcissist counts on – that and their smear campaign to convince the rest of the world that we are insane or whatever else they want to accuse us of, but rest assured it will be done in a manner to damage our integrity and silence us so they can move on without being “outed” for the abusive Narcissist they are.
What was it about us that drew the Narcissist to us? Why did the Narcissist target us? What was it that made us so very vulnerable to their abuse? HERE IS THE ANSWER – it was that magnificent con job they created for each of us personally that I outlined above. It doesn’t require a classification of person you are or anything else to justify the abuse – THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE so don’t blame or define yourself within the realms of this abusive relationship ever! Grow with boundaries so it never happens again. It is while you are feeling these things like being weak, fragile and confused that you will call upon an inner strength you never knew you had AND you will recover from this insidious abuse. Just NEVER allow the Narcissist or your abuser to return because they will only twist the knife in your back as often as you allow them to – mine did and it was more hideous each time I allowed it. BUT then the anger and repulsion I felt from realizing the truth enabled me to discard and abandon the monster that played with my life FOREVER. NO CONTACT = YOUR FREEDOM! You ARE and always have been that amazing person and you WILL find your way back again! Greg
OK so now we’re faced with ourselves and YIKES to this. Our self-esteem is crushed, we feel humiliated, we are hurt, vulnerable, confused, traumatized and having to start out on a journey we never expected we would be on. Out of the ashes comes some harsh reality. We may be ashamed to admit that our partner, spouse, family member or friend was abusive and mentally disordered or a Malignant Narcissist because what does THAT say about us now? As we learn about this abuse we will learn a lot about ourselves too.
OK so ‘it is what it is’ and now we must move forward by first understanding that no matter what the situation is about us personally, NOBODY deserves to be abused and never and I mean NEVER blame yourself for this abuse. Stop traveling through the past to review everything that you could have done to change any of this, make it work, fix the relationship or anything – what you can change is the truth and accepting this reality that you were in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship and you are so very lucky to be out of it now. Self-reflection is a new opportunity to grow by understanding the process of abuse and how it was situational and there is absolutely no acceptable reason or justification for the abuse you experienced. Let it be a guide to help you grow from this terrible experience, and use it as part of the education to create a process to make yourself emotionally healthy again and strong.
Remember if you blame yourself or accept some theory that says you are responsible for this, you are only blaming yourself like the Narcissist did to you throughout the whole relationship and essentially saying that you are an unhealthy person and have always been that way and deserved this. Get healthy first with the many ‘ah ha’ moments you gain from knowledge, education and support. With a healthy mind you will make the necessary changes and create the healthy boundaries you need. You will dig deep down inside of yourself and heal anything that may have kept you hanging onto this desperate love. You WILL have a rebirthing process where you change many things about yourself to NEVER allow any toxic behavior back into your life. You WILL grow to your fullest potential after experiencing such darkness – that is what we do as humans.
Here is something else we must also consider. We are now the lucky recipients of some amazing first-hand knowledge of these chameleons, shape shifters, or human impersonators. Down the road, we do come out of this horrendous experience a lot smarter and more self-aware about people and life – and yes to LOVE too. We all function at our best when we can put our real empathy, love, and nurturing/helping talent to good use in life – don’t lose that just tweak it so that you give it to deserving and real people. Also be good to yourself and carefully pick those who deserve your special talents, abilities, amazing qualities, and love. There is a wonderful world waiting out there BUT we have to remember that life is not always about a prince/princess charming being the center of our universe. That is a fable to understand what love could be and it can be – but don’t forget that there are also the fables and stories out there about the monsters that ALSO could be or can be there too. When you become strong and whole again you will adapt to a life that is somewhere in between the fairy tales and monster stories – or normal relationships with good people.
You have to get very cuddly and loving with yourself because every second of blame and pain from remorse is only keeping you frozen in the pain and anguish of the abuse and STUCK. Own it for sure, deal with it, align your truths that it was abuse and then discard it along with every negative message and action from this Narcissist. You feel enough pain as it is so don’t reinforce it or add to it, hug yourself instead and on a REGULAR basis. Be easy on yourself and enjoy the simple truths of life, the small goodness you see in the miracles that are all around you, because life is meant to enjoy. This may seem like silly words but put yourself out there in a manner to see that life is good and understand that you CAN’T allow this Narcissist to live in your head forever because it is blinding your ability to see a good future and to live once again. Resolve will bring you back around again to goodness and clarity that life does offer AND you deserve it. Always returning or continued contact with a Narcissist or any abuser is not going to change anything and only keeps you hanging on to some false hope. If you are having difficulty with this professional therapy is needed to break the cycle of abuse – and again IF you are stuck in it!
What will become one of the strongest esteem building tools in OUR arsenal is the power that comes from removing ourselves from the abuse because we get it! NO CONTACT is born out of the real NEED to separate and distance ourselves physically, emotionally and verbally from a disordered and dangerous Narcissist. Time and distance have a wonderful way of bringing clarity to this situation and a surefire way to heal. These abusers will leave us in the most emotionally crushing way they can because this is what they do! They choose the perfect timing and they inflict great emotional devastation, and they also enjoy doing it. They take what is near and dear to you or your reality and crush it as they casually walk away. In time we realize the relationship was doomed to failure, but we don’t realize that until later or when it was too late! You will undergo many changes in your ways of thinking about your situation and life in general and a very astute change of your expectations. Basically we have experienced the nearest thing to darkness or evil that we will ever have the unfortunate and hideous opportunity to experience again.
SO let’s remember this with the ‘no contact’ ANY involvement with them causes complete chaos and confusion of our otherwise healthy judgment. We need our time to learn, gain perspective, and heal ourselves. This is the perfect opportunity to learn and grow in many unforeseen ways so make this YOUR time. We all need to accept ownership of any mistakes we may have made along the way. AGAIN, if we must make contact because of legal/custody arrangements, etc. – make it business only and absolutely nothing else. Don’t allow an abuser to bait you back in and NEVER negotiate with them or you will be dragged back into the darkness of their abuse.
A Narcissist is not going to make the end of their abuse or the relationship easy. In all probability they will enjoy watching you squirm as long as they can. They will flaunt their new ‘soul mate’ under your nose. The Narcissist will have their new target convinced you are an obsessed and an insane person who has gone over the edge, but you know the truth and that is all that needs to matter to you (your truths). They abuse through their trickery and manipulation and that is what you are seeing right under your nose. All you have to do is look back and be reminded of the exact behavior and deception you experienced as well. The Narcissist will say nasty things about you to anyone they can to destroy your integrity and to avoid exposure of the real truth of their abusive ways. If there are legal ramifications with a divorce, they will fight you tooth and nail for every cent. The Narcissist will try and turn the kids and everybody else against you. They will stalk and harass you to cover their tracks of abuse and could become violent to instill fear. You’ll be having a hard time just coping with the loss of the relationship, let alone the other bombs the Narcissist is dropping on you and your life.
REMEMBER this Narcissist will try to draw you back into the relationship over and over to gain the control and power because they need to SILENCE you. They will only give up when they find new supply or target somebody new. Don’t allow yourself to think that “he/she is reaching out because they care” ever – that is what they want you to think and they will be counting on your gullibility to achieve this.
If you are stuck or unable to achieve progress through the stages of recovery, you may need professional therapy as well. Many people face this problem so you are not alone and you are not weak because of it. You are strong and looking for every possible door to open that will help you achieve your recovery. A strong therapist that HAS experience with this type of abuse is a powerful tool – just do your homework to make sure the therapist you chose does have experience with malignant Narcissists and traumatization.
You are highly educated about this abuse now and have graduated with high honors. You will no longer be naïve and trusting or believe that abuse like this doesn’t exist in this world. All of this knowledge you have gained from your abuser (the Narcissist) has opened your eyes so that now you can readily see red flags waving where perhaps you never saw them before! You also realize that a Narcissist is a predator and you know where they hunt for prey and HOW they lure them in. You WILL pay attention to your gut instincts or intuition and watch for signs of abuse anywhere and everywhere and determine the reality of the situation, and YOU WILL protect yourself. Being aware of your vulnerabilities will make you a whole lot smarter the next time a Narcissist slithers into your space or life. Don’t ever doubt the fact that that you will never see more of them in the future because they ARE everywhere. BUT you are a veteran now and you will be able to spot one of these fast talking, slick, and shrewd con artists a mile away. But now you will be armed with the ability to avoid them and protect yourself. But, you always have to be careful because they can fake and charm their way into anyone’s heart, then burrow their way into their victim’s mind to abuse them just as your Narcissist did before. The precious gift here is the freedom you gain from your own self sufficiency and that you SURVIVED abuse.
Maybe now you can embrace that word abuse as well as internalize the truth that you WERE abused by a very disordered, deranged, not fully functioning human being or whatever descriptive word you decide to use – personality disordered defines it best. But they are real and they meant to hurt you, damage you or even destroy you with that charming smile on their face but with a dark empty soul behind it. Taking charge of your life once again has its own rewards too and that is the chance to grow in love again and you will! Now for the Narcissist there is no love and never will be any. They do not have a heart, mind or soul that is equipped to bond in any form or manner with another human being nor do they possess any empathy – they are only looking for external stimulation in life (supply). They only know how to loathe and hate life and the people that live outside of their deranged and delusional world. The real truth lives inside of your heart and mind now and you WILL move forward.
There is nothing easy about this process of recovery and it hurts in many ways because you are learning the truth around so many horrendous lies that had you believing in this person, but it is necessary to move on with your life. You can and will recover, I promise that. You will look back at this and see how you have grown in ways you never imagined. Your weaknesses are now your strengths. Love is amazing and even that shrewd and manipulative Narcissist can’t take that from you and he/she NEVER DID because you were too strong and too smart to allow that to happen – that is why they had to leave! They didn’t discard you they realized you were wise to their horrible agenda and ran off like a coward would. You are here today because you know the truth and are looking to open every door to recovery you can through knowledge, education and the support of other victims and survivors AND you are free from the chains and the monster that harmed you! No/minimal contact always. Greg
Don’t Be a P.O.W. to an abuser for life – THIS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! The first steps to recovery – knowledge and a strong education.
SAY NEVER! We never, never, never deserved this and most assuredly NEVER, EVER asked for this abuse because of WHO we are. We wonder where our prince/princess charming has gone and WHAT HAS HAPPENED that made this go so wrong because now they are more like Dr. Jekyll and Mr./Ms. Hyde. Well the time has come that we HAVE to move forward and learn about these predators. We have ONE DIRECTION and that is forward and now it is time for some education about this abuse and THAT is where you must go. We could only have wished we had known that this was abuse prior to this deceptive and destructive experience – but how could we have known that this really existed and that there are predators out there like a psychologically abusive Narcissist.
Time to EDUCATE and LIBERATE yourself! Your knowledge will be your success in recovering. It will break the chain of this abuse OR thinking we can help them, cure them, use our ‘love’ to fix them and reverse this, change them, OR plead, bargain or negotiate with this abuser. You WILL quickly realize it is impossible and how the abuser wants us to react to keep us chained up in the chaos of this abuse and under their control. We will finally comprehend they have a problem we can’t possibly fix. Malignant Narcissists are masters at their game AND targeting our empathy, caring, and nurturing instincts as well as capturing us through their fake charm and ‘love.’ If you’ve been attempting to fix this over and over again, STOP and accept the inevitable failure of these attempts and accept the reality, they are what they are (abusive) and there is only one direction and that is OUT of their disordered world and free from them. We have to fix ourselves and right all the wrongs and return back to a real life and the living again.
Now it is time that we have to ‘be real’ about all of this and do damage control to save ourselves, and our families from this attack on our lives. Just like being in war we must create and build a concrete bunker from this point on to protect ourselves from the enemy.
Their personality traits are so deeply ingrained into the cycles of this abuse that they are totally out of control and beyond ANY HELP WE COULD OFFER. They live a perverse lifestyle and have ridiculously bad judgment as it concerns any other human beings – they just don’t care what they do and hurting others is simply part of the process of getting everything they want. They simply don’t care who they hurt, be it their spouse, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, biological children, friend, co-worker and even their pets. They DO NOT possess the mechanics of empathy, emotions, bonding or love. Their world is satisfied ONLY through EXTERNALIZED stimulation or objectification.
They are not able to be in a close relationship or any relationship for that matter because there is no constraint in their life as it concerns their delusional and destructive actions toward other people. THEY JUST DON’T CARE and this IS the real and ONLY truth we must accept to move on and away from them. They lie and betray to manipulate us into believing that they care so they can use AND abuse every aspect of our lives.
We mourn the loss of reality in our life, along with dreams, memories, time together, small laughs and shared experiences. We mourn the loss of our life as if a part of us was erased or died from this hideous abuse. Our emotional scars cause us to doubt and question the real truth of this ugly reality. We are merely disposable objects to them, and that is incomprehensible to us.
The Narcissist will most certainly react to the use of personal boundaries (or our resistance to their control) but if we are to succeed and break the cycle of this abuse we have to build an impenetrable fortress to keep them out of our lives and heads forever. Violence is always a possibility with a Narcissist so keep this first and foremost in your mind ALWAYS. Be unyielding in protecting yourself with your personal AND physical boundaries as well as with your decisions and expectations from this person. This will go a long way in lifting yourself out from this thick fog and boosting your self-esteem and ending the abuse because you are taking the control away from the Narcissist and back where it belongs with yourself. Refuse to be a target/victim and don’t be a willing participant in your own abuse by ever conceding to this Narcissist ever again.
The process of ‘leaving and grieving’ is emotionally devastating and lengthy. Remember that there are options out there like professional therapy or join a support group to reinforce the fact that you are not alone in this. You are not JUST a victim in this abusive situation, you were targeted. In other criminal offenses the word premeditated is a word often used to describe an action that was thought out beforehand! Don’t expect other people (no matter how close they are to you) to understand what you have been coping with. Without having their own experiences with disordered partners or Narcissists, they cannot fully understand and they won’t be able to offer the real emotional support you need and it is very disappointing to feel so alone without someone to understand and support you now. Don’t take it personally because you have enough on your plate already and you don’t need to feel abandoned and invalidated any more than what you already are. Remember it is hard enough for YOU to understand this yet alone someone else so your stories will sound incredulous.
Let’s think and talk about your emotions at this point. So I will say what most every other writer says – YOUR EMOTIONS will be on a rollercoaster ride with so many highs and lows. There will be many times when you doubt yourself, and question the reality of this all and WHY you. You can expect good and bad days, obsessive thinking, and thoughts of revenge, anger and serving justice. This is all part of the process – even stirring up all the negativity that essentially is a part of recovery so you can externalize or get rid of it from your mind and get to a healthy life again. We are inquisitive creatures and we NEED to understand so we can make real decisions and form thoughts accordingly. Keep a journal it is an amazing tool because it requires a commitment on your part to keep active and stay strong and on track to recover – it is also wonderful therapy. I did it and it helped me out tremendously because I could read my thoughts on paper and it was like looking from the outside in and gave me a truer perspective when I came back to those thoughts. Surround yourself with good and normal people that can make you smile and even laugh.
Let’s talk about the relationship with ourselves because we need to be firm with ourselves too. We need to live in the reality of the situation to heal and move forward or stay in this fog forever. We have to ditch that ‘if only’ or need for closure WITH the Narcissist involved, or that obsessive thinking that keeps us hooked wanting to see what’s happening in their lives. We need to accept the truth that we MUST detach and be strong and resist the urge to reconnect with them. Time is our best friend. If we do have to reconnect with this abuser because of obligations – BUSINESS ONLY!
OK, so this is the start of your journey or the first few steps to start out on that road to recovery and that involves fully understanding that you were a victim of this abuse and the person you loved or cared for was personality disordered. It was pathological in such an extreme manner that it is just impossible to understand how another human being could be so cruel and abhorrent to lead a basically good, caring, and loving person down a road of psychological abuse that essentially could destroy or damage them for life. This is a feeling that nobody could ever understand – there are NO ADEQUATE words to describe the feeling of what this abuse does to a sane, loving and empathic person. To understand the time that is lost, the EXTREME betrayal, and the experience of feeling worthless AND punished for no other reason than the fact that you were at the wrong place at the WRONG time and chosen by a predator to be their next victim of abuse. It is incomprehensible and takes so much self-reflection, strength, courage, love, self-compassion, validation, and a new journey that we must embark upon to fix ourselves now. Sometimes it doesn’t happen because many targets/victims do not even understand that they have been abused, they are convinced that they were to blame and have issues concerning their mental health because the abuse was basically psychological terrorism and MEANT to make them feel insane, crazy, etc. They were intentionally led down this road by a malignant Narcissist and the ABUSE has disabled them mentally so they also believe they ARE AT FAULT and live in that confusion and fog forever and NEVER recovering fully! THIS is why knowledge and education are your first effective tools to unravel the extreme confusion – that and no/minimal contact. More on this tomorrow. Greg
Narcissists are not acting on ANY normal or real premise like love, care or sharing empathy – they create these scenarios because THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM PEOPLE!
Narcissists are shameless self-promoters AND experts at carving out the perfect (false) image for themselves so that they can fit into ANY scenario to get at what they want. They just fake it whenever possible or cheat their way through life and that includes faking love, relationships OR anything and everything to get at what they want. Many, if not all Narcissists get away with psychological terrorism and they murder their targets self-esteem, mind and soul. Be it bullying, slander, backstabbing, triangulation, or ANY of the tools in their arsenal of abuse. The things that they do should be prosecutable offenses, but they do this all of their lives and get away with it. So just how do they do it all without any consequences AND why do people believe them? WELL, first off because the Narcissist KNOWS that they are creating outrageous and dehumanizing acts against people and humanity, so they also think up ways to avoid the consequences, especially because of what they fear the most or EXPOSURE! They create an impenetrable fortress with other forms of lies, manipulation and an army of minions that will sing their praises. Supply is many things even their little soldiers that protect them. THAT and they will completely destroy the integrity of any person that catches on to them.
So, what goes on in the omnipotent Narcissists distorted version of life? There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment, truth or reality as it concerns any other human being on this planet – people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use abuse and discard at will. Normal people respect all life but a Narcissist doesn’t see life as worthy of THEIR respect, nor do they follow any rules, regulations, or obey any laws. So, by treating others as unworthy (and blaming them) the Narcissist is acting as if they are beneath ANY reprieve for their actions, and we are totally insignificant, very disposable and infinitely less important than the all-important Narcissist. A Narcissist has no more regard for us than a person that steps on and squashes a poor bug that is minding its own bug business on the ground. Basically and unequivocally we are nothing and the Narcissist is everything in their world and they protect their standing at all costs even if it means total destruction of an individual that threatens their accountability! You must always remember that the Narcissist has many other relationships going on as well so there is always a source of supply on the side to replace you as a friend, partner, etc. No one relationship is as real as it seems (or seemed) or has any of the significance we placed on it – especially as it concerned caring or loving them and the Narcissist caring or loving us back! People are extensions of the Narcissist or the working mechanisms that keep the ‘Narcissist machine’ running and there are always spares when any single part of it breaks down.
The Narcissist is really re-enacting or projecting the distorted and hateful images that live inside of them ONTO US because they constantly come to the surface in their world as envy. The Narcissist is the eternal victim in this world and they blame the world for everything so they can live their out-of-control and perverse lifestyle AND justify it. They pathologically compensate for whatever got them to their dark place and make everybody pay for it. They are so demeaning with their value judgments that live on the surface of that thin skin they wear to hide the dark soul inside of them. Once they have lured you in with the CHARM trap watch out because the HARM is sure to follow. Perhaps this is how the Narcissist so easily edits the real and shameful image of him/herself. They can fortify it by reflecting (projecting) it back onto the world with that contemptuous eye they have for everybody they meet. To me it doesn’t matter what got that Narcissist to where they are, because they are abusers plain and simple and destroy lives. It is not my or anyone else’s responsibility after being psychologically kicked in the head (and purposely) to the point of severe damage to use any justification that abuse was OK. We have all been bullied in life and dealt with the hurt but we grew up to respect people and life and not take it out on people – the Narcissist doesn’t respect ANY life, nor do they want to change, nor do they care.
So, what a Narcissist puts into motion is pathologically treating us like dirt and maligning us behind our backs to control and destroy us. They are predators that are pre-loaded with delusion, psychopathy, and abuse – they just put a mask on to hide it all. This seriously puts Narcissists in their own special class with Psychopaths or like a branch from the same Psychopath tree. The class of people who don’t wish you, me, or any other human being any sense of well-being, no matter what or how friendly, caring or loving their façade or mask is. This is the same class of predators as physical, sexual or ANY other kind of abusive predator and Narcissists are just as dangerous. Seriously we MUST internalize Narcissists really are predators and dangerous, but many people just don’t appreciate the true meaning or the reality of Narcissistic abuse basically letting it in one ear and out the other as the saying goes!
Some simple logic! A Narcissist isn’t acting on any normal human premise. All the Narcissist is doing is playing (manipulating) you for the reaction he/she wants to control and abuse you. The truth is irrelevant to a Narcissist because they don’t even know what ‘truth’ is. Truth or lies, it’s all irrelevant to the Narcissist, so whatever works for them and that is usually lies – they are ONE BIG LIE. They are with us for ONE reason only ‘objectification” and we are there to serve them as Narcissistic supply and that is it. Why do they create the huge production with the entire love bombing – to gain our trust first so they can gain access to our head, heart and life and get at that precious supply they need so badly? It is ONLY a working relationship as far as they are concerned and NOT one that has any benefits for us. We are none the wiser, PLUS they gain access to our trusting nature and then attack us by preying on our emotional vulnerabilities to drive the psychological abuse to a point that can and will disable us. But don’t forget they were so good at that CHARM and we were singing their praises at first while they were destroying our integrity behind our backs – they were that good at their game. So, when you start telling the truth more than likely you will hear, “I thought you were in love with him/her the way you were talking how great he/she was”.
So, to support this let’s just say it would be more correct to say that there is no such thing as truth to a Narcissist, because there is no such thing as truth when you are playing pretend with the whole world and everybody in it. They routinely fool and manipulate family, mental healthcare professionals, teachers, law enforcement, judges, social workers OR you name it and they can fool them. Really builds up a strong case that these critters are everywhere in our world! It isn’t a matter of their intelligence by any means it is a matter of practice and experience – and they have a lifetime of this experience because it is really their survival. You CAN’T always trust an institution or organization to filter out the personality disordered Narcissists either because they are just that good at getting behind a job that makes them seem to be goodness personified and they will use this guise to abuse also. The Narcissist I knew has been closely associated with these ‘social work’ organizations for a lifetime and that is very discerning to know.
So, then what is the kiss of death to a predator, EXPOSURE because it’s like a repellant that warns new and potential prey to mistrust and stay away from the Narcissist! So, with this in mind a Narcissist lives in constant fear of people finding out that they are a wolf behind sheep’s clothing, or that they just use people, or they want to take away or extort everything that you have that they don’t have, and they will vandalize your integrity and good image to improve their own. They also live in constant fear of ANYBODY learning the shocking truth about their past exploits, or the many they have intentionally destroyed. They also live in constant fear of people discovering what they do in their immoral and perverse world and the many ‘others’ they participate with regularly.
To put it all in a nutshell Narcissists are expert con artists – here are some red flags to look out for. They put on a conspicuous display of goodness and kindness but in reality there is NOTHING to back it up. They damage the images of many people. They have a consistent history of past upheavals. They seem to be disliked or hated for mysterious reasons by people close to them. They exhibit unnatural and perplexing behavior or backward reactions to things. They are control freaks, trampling on other people’s privacy and personal boundaries. They are extremely self-absorbed. They have a hostile reaction to attention and credit given others. They rage very easily. They are very private and dismissive about the particulars of ANY situation especially as it concerns them personally.
So, if you get to know a Narcissist’s history, you will usually see a track record of destruction followed by mysterious upheavals in their life – but the Narcissist will lie and blame every other person, and citing every possible excuse they can. Narcissists really keep their past separated from the present and the future. Never be silent about this abuse because too many people have been harmed by these creatures – even their own biological children and family. If they are forced out of the darkness, and made accountable for their actions, they would be forced to stop their abuse or run like the cowards they really are and maybe live with other Narcissists in a world so full of chaos and crazy-making that they would no longer need us to support their delusional world. That was just a bad attempt at some humor because a Narcissist could not live in a world where other Narcissists were controlling THEM and using THEM for supply because without it they couldn’t survive. No/minimal contact! Greg
Narcissists use a vast arsenal of tools to debase, dehumanize and eventually destroy a person’s self-esteem, and overall spirit – this is psychological abuse pure and simple and they are ABUSERS. We have all heard this many times over, and it is a fact that these words are 100% true – BUT beyond this truth is the reality that there are many targets/victims that have to deal with the destruction caused by a malignant Narcissist. These targets/victims are not just wives, husbands, partners, but also biological children, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers and any other human being in every walk of life!
A Narcissist will employ cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse and shrewd manipulative linguistic or language patterns to CONTROL people around them and force them to question their own sanity and reality. Narcissists will also smear their target/victim’s good nature/name behind their back destroying their integrity to others (friends, family, co-workers) so that THEY will also start questioning the sanity of the target/victim. It is like a game of “power and control” through the use of these various methods so that the Narcissist’s is always in charge of their immediate environment and controlling every aspect of it with lies, false appearances, triangulation, coning people, etc. Narcissists have everybody around them fooled by their charm that hides their true pathological nature and that makes them dangerous!
When communicating, discussing, debating, or arguing with a Narcissist, a target/victim usually finds themselves at a COMPLETE dead-end. The target/victim’s logic always becomes incompatible or discombobulated with that of the Narcissist and they always get purposely outwitted and then steered in the opposite direction from the original topic, especially if it is around questioning them (the Narcissist) or accountability as it concerns the Narcissist. Basically, communicating with them is like walking through a “House of Mirrors” at a carnival. Every thought you express is distorted in so many different ways that you don’t even recognize the original thought and it causes complete confusion– just like your image in the many mirrors that are created to distort your image and make you lose track of your original starting point and destination.
If you say the sky is blue the Narcissist will somehow negate the possibility of it being blue to make you wrong. The Narcissist may even hint that you have certain psychological issues concerning your thoughts about the sky being blue. The Narcissist will back it up with concerns that your friends, family, or associates have about your “wild allegations” of the sky being BLUE. Then the Narcissist will accuse you of having an affair and using your story of the “blue sky” as a diversion tactic to trick THEM. Finally, that Narcissist will employ punishment and the silent treatment because of your argumentative views, lies and betrayal concerning your “blue sky” story. The Narcissist then runs out to find a little extra supply on the side to betray you since they now have some “free time” after the chaotic and wild “blue sky” story that has left you in shock, silenced and isolated. After a day or so they come back and tell you that IN FACT the sky is now blue as if the issue over the blue sky never even came up at all, and you may even get flowers, or dinner, BUT you end up paying for it as usual! OH – and they will tell you that they were taking care of a sick relative and that is why you didn’t hear from them for that day or so that they disappeared. Do we call this denial on the Narcissist’s part that they are just this delusional or are they just denying us access to them using all of these “crazy and chaotic” diversions that deflect us away from the truth about them so they can get away with everything and anything? I say it is all diversions!
The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication to divert reality and cause chaos so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is at that very moment. This agenda is many things, but basically to secure supply, from us and from whoever else is willing to give them supply – it supports their false mask/persona. It took me a while to understand just how this worked, as well as how my Narcissist would divert from every aspect of their life/lifestyle – everything was always a mystery as far as the past and present. Let me put it this way – everything was MEANT to be kept this way so I would never learn the truth about this Narcissist’s abusive past, out-of-control lifestyle, as well as a perverted lifestyle. Any time I would speak to this Narcissist’s mother I would find out about something that this Narcissist had lied about AND I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK because the truth just always seemed to come out on its own. So, you can imagine just how much this Narcissist was lying, re-writing history and every other little diabolical action. I was always kept at a distance from the Narcissist’s family, but of course told that I never made an attempt to get to know them – AGAIN just more diversion.
Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask, so beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live and we SUPPORT.
How does a simple question concerning accountability turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are and they HAVE to protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade. In the end when we KNOW the real truth they do a preemptive and silent attack with their smear campaign to completely destroy our integrity so no one will believe us when we start to tell the truth about this pathological critter.
Beneath that thin mask the Narcissist wears is the reality of their pathological self PLUS their WHOLE past of victims/targets they have abused and a raging temper that is like a volcano that can erupt at any given moment. YES, they are aware of their actions because they use lie after lie to cover up their abuse – but they just do not have the mechanics to care. Like a child that stole a piece of candy and lies about it to avoid being punished – so does the Narcissist at a monumental level. Remember their past is always following them and should they ever stop for a moment it will catch up with them and completely consume them because they are abusers that have damaged many people’s lives – even their own family. When the going gets tough the Narcissist gets going – so they are off and running to new supply ALWAYS surrounding themselves with a protective circle of new targets/victims, NEW LIES, as well as a new and WONDEROUS life to shore up their disordered facade AGAIN – and this equation ALWAYS includes the demise/destruction of the previous source of supply and the “believers” that support the delusional Narcissist! Thus, the cycle of abuse – they are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.
A narcissist will also create vivid situations where they start a conversation off with an agenda in mind – one to create a smokescreen or diversion of some sort. They confuse the target/victim with chaos to perhaps divert a situation into an argument to be able to sneak out and secure some supply they acquired on the side, or just to debase a target/victim and keep them walking on eggshells or to cause constant anxiety to keep us CONDITIONED and a slave to their pathology. This is like being a POW or prisoner of war to the Narcissist – torture and all! This is what they do because what lives inside of them is such a disordered personality that if we were to even have a small glimpse of what they really are I believe we would be shocked even more by the reality of ALL OF THE TRUTH. I learned this about my Narcissist through talking to their friends and family and I never imagined that there was even more than what I experienced but there was/is, and the truth was beyond a capacity for me to understand. We see the tip of the iceberg and what is hidden beneath the water is monumental in size and so destructive to many people, especially IF THE TRUTH WOULD GET OUT!
Lies and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing reality, but the Narcissist also does this with an agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives, then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity! BUT here is the truth – you are an amazing person, you have all of your mental facilities, you can love, you have great empathy, and you are STRONG because you survived this and are here today. You will recover from this and be free from this abuser. It all starts now with education, knowledge and support. You will align with all of this and the truth of your situation and purge all of the abuse out of your life. It is a process that requires time but it is worth it because you will get your good life back and freedom. It all starts with no/minimal contact to get the clarity you need! Greg
The hard TRUTH – we never mattered to the Narcissist – but NOBODY matters to the Narcissist except for themselves and their VAST needs.
One of the MOST DIFFICULT concepts with this abuse is the realization that you didn’t matter in the least bit to your Narcissist! There is only one person that really matters to the Narcissist and that is himself or herself! You were only one of the many stepping stones in their life to extort supply and take whatever you had that they wanted or needed. A good friend of mine said that each of us are like pieces of gravel that pave the Narcissist’s road in life that enable them to get what they want AND where they want to be. They objectify all human beings and basically harvest what they can from them. You never mattered when they were with you, it was totally about their needs. Within this concept comes the many tools in their arsenal of abuse that they used to keep you under their control so they could achieve supply (basically all of their lies that flowed so easily, their lack of accountability, the betrayal, manipulation, etc.) They are predators that seek out prey pure and simple.
Even though we were supposedly in a committed relationship with them (be it a loving relationship, family member, friend, etc.,) we were only like their favorite ‘service station’ (gas station) that they were a regular at when their tank was low. We were just that pump that they would pull up to and we would faithfully fill up their tank and then they would be off and onto many other secret travels without us ever suspecting anything. Believe me that they were stopping at many other ‘service stations’ because their tank was always needing ‘filled’ just like a bottomless pit – but we were their “old faithful” and reliable. Sounds like a simplistic definition without filling in the blanks about the pathological lies, manipulating us into believing we were in a monogamous and loving relationship, the extortion (they never paid for that gas or anything else) and every other tool in their arsenal to hide the truth of their disordered lifestyle. Our only role was as a source of supply to fill all of their primary needs!
We believed and went along with this because we really had NO sense of the reality of the basic truth that they were never there for us exclusively because they conned us into believing they were. Basically Narcissists are pathological TAKERS. Our life lessons never included learning that loving another person should come along with a ‘WARNING’ that there are dark people (abusers/predators) out there looking for someone to drag into a trap by wearing love as a camouflage to gain our trust and then extort our emotions and everything that encompasses our reality to the point of traumatization and destruction.
The truth is a Narcissist could easily be defined as being thief. Trust me they are much more than JUST a thief but it encapsulates the truth behind their actions and agendas. They extort things from people just like a con artist does. They portray or pretend to be something they are not even remotely like, and then cash in on their manipulative agenda to TAKE everything they can and abuse you as well. My point is that a thief will break into your home and steal everything they can and they are off and running, and you are left with the loss and devastation of their invasion. A Narcissist would go a step further and burn your house down while you were still in it to make sure there is absolutely NO evidence that would link them to it. Everything with a Narcissists is a conscious act!
Take a moment and look at yourself after your abuse and then compare that to when you started out on this hideous journey with them. If you would seriously take inventory you would see so many levels of loss, to the point that this Narcissist has basically disabled you emotionally and PSYCHOLOGICALLY. Write everything down in a journal and make the comparison. Whatever you attempted to do in a positive manner because you believed in them was snatched up by the Narcissist and then they beat you down and made what you did wrong AND you only tried harder because there was no sense in their actions but somehow you believed that you did something wrong that needed fixed. This became a deceptive and debilitating dance with them, part of their plan to manage you down more and more to keep taking what they could and harm you more in the process. These are not just jerks or users, these are destructive individuals that enjoy the chaos and harm they deliver as they extort your life away from you. That Narcissist (just like the thief) has pillaged and taken everything they could, or all you had to give and then basically abandoned you for more and better supply! They conned you into believing they LOVED you to get you under their spell to do all of this! A victim is not SCORNED, obsessed, or just needs to move on – they are traumatized and abused and in need of specialized help to recover.
You can’t engage in any conversation with them that has the truth (about them) as the basis concerning their accountability in any given situation. A Narcissist doesn’t have a conscience or anything even near to it, so you can’t expect to have any sense of normality surrounding ANY conversation with them, yet alone the possibility you could make them understand the very truth about any of their disordered actions and lies. There is NO sense of remorse or any guilt associated with any of their actions and THERE NEVER HAS BEEN! So what I can say is that you can’t enter into any arena that involves TRYING to get them to accept accountability because they turn it right around, ‘lie and deny,’ ‘blame and shame,’ and then return with a horrible rage and revenge directed at YOUR integrity. This became a day to day occurrence with me, I couldn’t even breathe right without some sort of rage that was so out-of-control that it became scary. So a good reminder to anyone dealing with a Narcissist is that there is NO possible way that you can make them understand or accept responsibility concerning their dehumanization of people – especially when it concerns you.
Unfortunately, as I have said many times before, hindsight is 20/20. When you are still in the fog about all of the deceit you are at a loss because you can’t see or understand the overall picture of this abuse and just how damaging they are until AFTER they have moved on. Heck immediately after the discard you are still under so many levels of this abuse that it is amazing that you can see the light of day, yet alone realize what you need to do to get away from them without all of the damage they cause. But what I can say is that ‘no contact’ will save you from MORE grief and help you get to more clarity as it concerns your situation so you can move forward to recovery!
Yes, it was all one big lie and the person you cared about, and more than likely loved never existed within the realm of what you believed was a real relationship! Furthermore, the declarations of love were a tactic (love bombing) and just part of their disordered manipulation to gain control of you and your emotions. It is very, very hard to internalize that the love you believed in was just a lie! Their whole life is a lie and every person that has ever had any sort of relationship with them succumbs to this. They will wear a different disguise to lure in a new target/victim solely and dependent on the particular person or the situation AND what they want. It is a cycle that they use to abuse every new target into their agenda. So what is the most difficult part of getting started on your journey to recover? Letting go of those images, the ones that have accumulated in your heart and mind that made you BELIEVE that this was real from all those years you were with this Narcissist! There is/was no relationship nor was there any love reciprocated from this Narcissist. Keep this in mind every day on your journey to reach complete recovery. All of that was a trap set just for you AND to gain your trust and open you up to this Narcissist’s abuse. Remember you believed in this person for a very long time so recovery is not going to happen overnight and it is going to be emotionally painful. You will probably doubt yourself many times over and try to go back and fix this, but don’t because you can’t fix a personality disordered Narcissist.
Because Narcissists do not come with a label that exposes what they are and their agenda, you are more than likely just coming to terms with all of this recently. Our emotions are powerful and even though we have been abused we have to reconcile our very own emotions to fall out of love with them. This is where the educational aspect of learning about this personality disorder is imperative to moving forward. Closure comes from learning the truth through educating yourself about this disorder
Narcissists definitely operate out of their fear of being exposed ESPECIALLY the truth about their perverse and disordered lifestyle. Unfortunately, they NEED us to extract supply, but they can’t keep up their façade forever because they get bored easily and are out-of-control so they jump from relationship to relationship and abuse another person, their family, and that person’s whole life. It is the cycle of their abuse and their lifestyle that destroys ALL of their relationships. Narcissists don’t look at themselves in any manner that reflects the reality of just how sick they are UNLESS they are forced to do so by being exposed and THEY AVOID THAT LIKE THE PLAGUE. They can’t face themselves because what it would reveal would cause them to implode and that is their greatest fear – the very truth of what they are. At least I can say I was definitely a force to be reconciled with as it concerned my Narcissist but I had to endure a horrendous smear campaign that this Narcissist still holds onto with their life. Today I can write with the clarity of my experience and the TRUTH I was afforded by going no contact and seeing that truth reveal itself.
You have to remove yourself from this emotional and destructive dance with them. But most importantly you must remember that this Narcissist needs to cover his/her tracks by smearing you and ultimately trying to destroy you. This smear campaign has started months before the Narcissist has physically left, but you have to put it aside for the time being. You have been emotionally and physically replaced and this Narcissist must keep his/her past hidden and separated from their new supply so the battle is on. But again you must get away from this creature physically so that clarity starts to enter back into your life. Don’t accept the seemingly nice attempts from the Narcissist to talk. Their genuine and sweet overtures are there for one reason only and that is to gain whatever information they can from you to use against you and smear you even more. They need to keep their enemies close. You can’t engage in their chaos, get into their head or expect to somehow win this battle. If you have to engage in any sort of contact with them because of biological children, divorce, business, etc., keep everything as low key as possible and only as it concerns the business at hand. Remember they are pathological liars and if they are breathing they are lying – SO BELIEVE NOTHING THAT THEY TELL YOU EVER AGAIN! Journal, journal and journal more especially as it concerns the welfare of biological children. Have witnesses with you if you have to meet to drop off your kids, etc. Otherwise if you don’t have ANY reason to connect with your Narcissist follow the ‘no contact’ rule! Greg
Nar•cis•sist [nahr-suh-sist] – noun – con artist, scammer, liar, extortionist, manipulator, thief, user, “Charms to Harm,” abuser. PREDATOR after PREY!
The Narcissist looks for targets that he/she can harvest supply from as well as to shield or camouflage their disordered and perverted lifestyle. Usually their targets are just your everyday good people who are responsible, productive, intelligent, centered, kind, generous, trusting, empathetic and loving, or all of the characteristics that the Narcissist does not possess. Narcissists definitely do not have these positive characteristics or any for that matter. They lack any and all empathy, do not know love, and have no compassion so an out-of-control lifestyle and chaos rules them. All of this disconnection from life allows the Narcissist to conduct his/her life in an all-consuming pattern of taking what they want from people, controlling behavior to achieve this coupled with abuse, pathological lies, and destructive manipulation. Among every other negative quality Narcissists possess they are also con artists, extortionist and thieves as well – they just don’t psychologically destroy a victim – they annihilate the victim’s life!
The Narcissist is a human that is not fully functioning – and quickly becomes very adept at “fitting in” with camouflage or “a mask” as it is described clinically. Initially, the Narcissist will size up AND take in as much if not of all of the new target’s behavior and mimic it or mirror it back to them to SEEM like they have so much in common with the victim. The Narcissist is VERY ADEPT AT THIS and will carefully study the target’s interactions with others, as well as their body language, tone of voice, and general demeanor. As an expert predator/hunter, the Narcissist will methodically craft a plan of attack and begin to track and assess their target’s every thought. The Narcissist will slowly approach the target with complimentary words and statements and then the Narcissist will model themselves and their behaviors to what he/she thinks will please and SNARE their new target into their web of deceit and destruction. The Narcissist will assume the behavior of the target’s “perfect partner”. The Narcissist knows what the target desires in a partner or mate and morph’s right into that role – the MOST PERFECT friend, lover or whatever the relationship may be. This is the most important aspect in the Narcissist’s arsenal of tools – GAINING TRUST of their target soon to be victim – this is the CHARM or love bombing. Without it the cycle of abuse and extortion will just not happen and the Narcissist is unable to secure their LIFE SUSTAINING supply so they HEAVILY invest in this tactic. Remember without it they CAN NOT get to their precious source of supply NOR can they cannot survive without it – so this basically describes the truth of the situation or that they are PREDATORS AFTER PREY.
Once the Narcissist has caught the attention of their new target, they will move in for the kill. The Narcissist will begin by coming on very strong, telling the target that they are special and of course the Narcissist will say they were meant for each other because they are a match made in heaven or SOUL MATES. The Narcissist will constantly flatter their target and be very attentive, calling or texting them many times a day, just to say “they (the Narcissist)” were thinking of them. The Narcissist will quickly assume a strong role and become an important person in the target’s life and he/she will find that they are swept off their feet by this “wonderful, perfect partner (the Narcissist)”. Once the Narcissist has become totally entwined in the target’s life and vice versa, the role will change for them from target to victim. The Narcissist will then start to isolate the victim so that they become solely dependent on the Narcissist as their trusted confidant in life.
Every person I talked to after I moved on from my abuse, said the same exact words to me concerning my Narcissist STRONGLY PURSUING them – AND not the “replacement” supply – I am talking about the many affairs, that occurred during the time I spent with this Narcissist. It is one huge con job – there is no relationship, there never was and there never will be one. In my situation the MANY supply sources on the side said my Narcissist was relentless when it came to pursuing them on “dating sites” – but then again what does it say for those that gave into the pursuit. Most can relate to this when it comes to a Narcissist, and it is anything and everything that will basically say “yes” to them. When I realized the truth as compared to how I was “blind sighted” by the extreme manipulation and pathological lies – I came to the realization that this Narcissist was known for their perverted lifestyle, but was SO ADEPT at disguising the truth behind fake morals, pretending to be Christian and even condemning others for THEIR immoral ways. This Narcissist previously hid behind a spouse and biological children prior to me but ALSO lived a very active, deviant, and perverse sexual lifestyle on the side that eventually destroyed that family and marriage. These words should resonate and identify the truth as far as what Narcissists are and what they want and what they are capable of doing to get what they want, and that they are dangerous and destructive to society! Marriage or any relationship for that matter is not sacred to a Narcissist – it is only a convenience for the Narcissist to have a place to rest their head at night as well as having a steady source of supply to keep them occupied in between their many other sources, as well as a cover to hide what they really are. When I found out the truth I was in total denial – but soon enough I accepted the reality of how good my Narcissist was at lying and manipulating me into believing that horrendous façade.
The Narcissist’s reign of terror and destruction begins with small negative comments about the victim. The Narcissist will begin to mentally disassemble the victim’s self-esteem and beliefs about themselves and the relationship. What was once considered the perfect relationship now becomes a relationship that is unnerving, controlling, debasing, dehumanizing, gut wrenching, unstable and full of blame and shame. The victim is constantly kept emotionally and psychologically off balance by the insidious behaviors of their Narcissistic partner and ALWAYS having to explain themselves and feeling like they have to do more and more to please the Narcissist. The Narcissist will make plans with the victim and cancel at the last minute. The Narcissist will talk only of themselves and THEIR needs and desires. If the victim dares to express a personal need, the Narcissist will instantaneously strike, like a venomous snake to subtly remind the victim that the Narcissist needs are more important. The Narcissist will talk of making plans with the victim for their future and then the next day speaks of the future only in terms of the Narcissist’s future. The Narcissist will conveniently forget to pay back money he/she has borrowed from the victim as well as conveniently undermining many daily activities to make the victim seem and even feel unstable. The Narcissist is disassembling the victim’s self-esteem, spirit, psyche and ENTIRE life little by little to gain complete control and drain the target/victim completely of every resource they can. This is considered brain-washing and even terrorizing a victim into submission through these destructive CONTROL tactics. Remember this Narcissist is also pursuing supply on the side that the target/victim will soon come to realize so the betrayal is a HUGE issue as well.
Is this a disorder as well as a NON-functioning human being? Well we have to say yes because NO NORMAL person would act out in this manner against another human being, but let’s not forget that there is a great deal of thought put into this abuse. It is cognitive, meaning that the Narcissist puts rational thought evoking processes into effect to get the desired results they want from their targets/victims. SO can we safely say it is premeditated? That word is largely used in the legal profession to describe somebody that has carefully thought out a crime with INTENTION! If a criminal is charged with this they go to jail without passing go! It’s a ‘Monopoly’ saying when you draw the card that says “Go Directly to Jail and do not pass Go or collect any money” – a little bad humor.
The victim becomes less and less of what they use to be prior to meeting the narcissist. It becomes a vicious cycle of denigration, debasing, dehumanization and destruction by the Narcissist until there is nothing of substance left of the victim. The dismantling of the victim total identity was skillfully orchestrated by the Narcissist, and then as if to add INSULT TO INJURY the Narcissist will unmercifully criticize and blame the victim for “not being the person” the Narcissist fell in love with. All of the “blame and shame” will ceremoniously be dumped on the victim to kick them down even further into the destruction a Narcissist inflicts on everyone. The Narcissist will even “project” their betrayal and perverse lifestyle onto the victim and accuse them of what they (the Narcissist) is actually doing. The Narcissist will not yield to anything once they have the reigns of terror going and will even physically make fun of their victim to inflict every possible form of damage they can. This disables the victim completely so they can’t possibly fight back and expose the Narcissist as the REAL abuser they are. The Narcissist has been back-stabbing and “smearing” the victim to family, friends, co-workers and any other people that will listen to further damage the integrity of the victim. The Narcissist will then discard the victim quickly and without regard. The cycle of abuse and destruction has been completed. The victim has been disabled by the Narcissist and left by the roadside. This describes and is NARCISSISTIC ABUSE or better yet emotional and psychological rape of their victim. This is not simply “emotional abuse”, or a bad relationship between two people – this is a calculated attack of a predator after prey. This is a disordered human being that willfully harms good people – EVEN their own biological children will become victims of their damaging cycle of abuse. Predator after prey!
As always I end with go “NO CONTACT” – unequivocally it is the only way to gain your freedom from this calculating, disordered, manipulating, cunning, lying, extortionist and abuser that MEANS to inflict damage on their prey as well as take everything they can! This IS NOT bashing a Narcissist, it is defining the reality of the situation as it concerns THEIR actions and how they abuse people – just some hard and true facts. You can and will recover from this abuse – but YOU MUST understand that the Narcissist is as calculated in their attacks on people as is a shark with its prey. Once you establish the facts/truth about your abuser you must put it all into perspective to release from the “blame and shame” as well as the worthlessness that you feel and the Narcissist made you internalize or better yet forced down your throat. Find that spirit, it is still there with you as well as your self-esteem, goodness, empathy and LOVE — I promise you that this had NOTHING to do with who or what you are, it has to do with an extremely disordered person that manipulated you into ALL OF THIS because they are an abhorrent and disordered human being. You are and always have been the beautiful and amazing person you were – THAT IS WHY YOU ARE STILL HERE TODAY and you still have tomorrow – and don’t give that up. You WILL be the person you once were! Greg