Category Archives: Narcissism

You CANNOT go to the source of your abuse – a Narcissist – for answers, validation, closure, truth, or anything, because all you will get back is the same – MORE abuse! We MUST understand this and NEVER engage with them in a manner to attempt to find any sense of cohesiveness, validation, closure, the truth or anything – THEY ARE ABUSERS!

Image may contain: text that says 'YOU begin to question your own sanity and decision making skills because of a narcissist's psychological abuse and gaslighting. You constantly seek out VALIDATION, confirmation, and the truth- and truth WHO do you go to first -the narcissist. They are NOT a reliable source of ANY kind of truth because they will always twist things around to fit THEIR distorted version of the truth that ONLY serves them. From my Book: Greg Zaffuto Author- From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist'

You CANNOT go to the source of your abuse – a Narcissist – for answers, validation, closure, truth, or anything, because all you will get back is the same – MORE abuse! We MUST understand this and NEVER engage with them in a manner to attempt to find any sense of cohesiveness, validation, closure, the truth or anything – THEY ARE ABUSERS!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else I Between with a Narcissist

No photo description available.

Lets start with the facts — a Narcissist can’t allow others to see who AND what they really are, an empty dark and angry person that loathes life and people, as well as repulsive, perverted, and abusive. So the Narcissist creates a highly likable, moral, good and ‘normal’ image that will procure adulation, affirmation, and attention or everything the Narcissist requires to survive and walk among the ‘real’ or ‘normal’ people – AND THEY MUST ALWAYS MAINTAIN THIS FACADE during every phase of their abuse – even when they devalue and discard us. The WHY is because they need the basic things that only ‘functioning’ human beings can provide, SO they ‘harvest’ people and we become “supply” to them. THAT IS ALL WE ARE – and that is all we will ever be – and most importantly – we ALL have an expiration date that also involves the Narcissist maintaining that facde WHILE destroying us to protect themselves (except they aren’t very nice about it). So don’t go to them for an explanation because they are not going to tell you the truth that they are abusers and extortionists and WE were only ONE of their targets — BUT they will manipulate and trick you more so they can avoid exposure.

The closer the association to a Narcissist the more pathological the Narcissist becomes and the more damage done to the target/victim. Their needs are far more than just extorting basic life and biological needs – it is their psychological needs that cause the most damage to their target/victim. It is their need to CONTROL and gain dominance or power over other people that damages and destroys them. They are BASICALLY human with most of the same biological needs (like eating, breathing and sexuality) but when it comes to mental functions they are delusional and seem to have a battle that rages in their head to seriously manipulate, confuse, malign, and harm people that love them as if they loathe all people and need to destroy them one by one. We MUST understand this and NEVER engage with them in a manner to attempt to find any sense of cohesiveness, validation, closure, the truth or anything – THEY ARE ABUSERS!

Unfortunately, we believed it was a real EMOTIONAL bond no matter what the relationship is/was with them, be it one that was FALSELY created from care or love – be it a wife, husband, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, or friend – but it was a lie and a con. As harsh as this definition sounds as it concerns our involvement with a Narcissist, it is real and just the very truth of the biggest lie, manipulation, betrayal, extortion, and destruction we will ever experience in our lives. It is abuse at the hands of a very disordered personality, one that will look you straight in the eyes and state that they care or love you, but they have a knife to your back to control you AND ready at any time they decide to stab and harm you and even destroy you for no reason other than an association you have with them be it a family bond or an association by chance – and especially once you have clarity about the truth of what they are.. ANY association with them for ANY length of time and for ANY reason is toxic and poisonous and they will do some sort of damage to your life or well-being.

A Narcissist is calculating for the sake of procuring PERSONAL power and supply – they need it to feel relevance because they lack the mechanics that you and I have – especially empathy – and that requires a great deal of Narcissistic magic and skills to play pretend with us! Control allows them the power over others that they need to function and survive in our world as well as facilitate the intense insecurities that rage inside of their world – as a matter of fact it is imperative to their functioning and survival. It also protects them from exposure and facing the truth of their own disordered and abusive lifestyle. That false mask hides AND protects the Narcissist from having to face themselves off in the mirror and see the reality of WHAT THEY ARE – a modern day ‘DENIAL’ monster that is destructive and abuses life and people – it is ALL consuming. Unfortunately the only way to create their false self and maintain it is to completely drain us of our life and amazing energy and they are NEVER going to give it back. They most assuredly will destroy a target that catches on to them, plus they already have the replacement waiting in the wings to pick up the whole process where they left it off with us, stealing ‘supply’ and sucking the very life out of the new target. No fuss, no muss, NEVER any closure, emotions or love just a parasitic relationship where the Narcissist always has a host and a new host ready and waiting – seriously this is the truth. There is nobody there for us – except a very dark and damaged person that we CANNOT ever go to for any reality or help!

In the overall design of things, misfortune to others does not matter to the Narcissist when they have objectified a human being to obtain their drug of choice or “supply” – especially after they have gotten everything they came for. It is solely based on what this person has to offer, or what can be taken from this person, and this must resonate in the Narcissist’s grand scheme of things. The Narcissist is convinced of their uniqueness (omnipotence) and basically we are there to serve their needs – they are delusional in this manner. There are no written laws that the Narcissist will comply with when it comes to how they treat other people — so NEVER expect them to treat you with any sense of reality – especially once they are in the devaluation and discard phase – that is only about their safe transition to move onto their new source and WE have reached our expiration date.
There are no human rights involved either and it is DESIGNED to be that way! Basically we are/were there for their use and they completely exploit everything they can from us – mentally and physically. They feel no remorse in their acts of deviance to secure supply in the least bit – NOR will they ever admit to their scam or offer any closure. Lies, betrayal, manipulation, etc., are only tools to extract what they need before they move on to the next and the next and the next. They have perfected and honed these tools to work to their utmost advantage to meet their needs in EVERY situation – and they will never allow you or I to threaten their façade of lies.

This is very hard for many people to understand for the simple reason that we are the direct opposite of a Narcissist. We learned about life and love and we have empathy that would prohibit us from even remotely living or conceptualizing an abhorrent and perverse lifestyle where we would purposely use another person, deplete them of their life, and then destroy them. It is not even human to act out in the manner a Narcissist does. Unfortunately, they exist and they are dangerous to people and to life in general – and we must actualize this and never turn to them for anything – the only turn we NEED to make is turning completely AWAY from them and NEVER allow them in our thoughts, heart or mind ever again! The truth is that YOU are an amazing human being and the direct opposite of these abusers. YOU have the ability for introspection and growth and most importantly you when faced with a disaster, YOU have the ability to heal from the adversity and become a survivor that WILL thrive. No/minimal contact ALWAYS. Greg

Narcissist – the great manipulator, the great liar, the great betrayer, the great scam artist, and the greatest destroyer of a persons precious emotional and psychological well-being!

Image may contain: text that says 'Narcissists will slowly but surely erode their target/victim's reality, f-esteem and spirit! They cunningly access and withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing because it gives them the ability to control and manipulate them. Narcissists do this to domineer and limit freedom of expression/speech or individuality. Again, controlling the environment around them with confusion, chaos, lies, bullying and negativity. From my Book: Greg Zaffuto Author- From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist'

Narcissist – the great manipulator, the great liar, the great betrayer, the great scam artist, and the greatest destroyer of a persons precious emotional and psychological well-being!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists ALWAYS tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions. In turn they will accuse and blame others to divert attention away from themselves and the truth. A Narcissist will refuse to accept the perspective of any human being, but they will irrationally defend their own distorted/delusional position and lies as well as force you into accepting them as reality and the end result is that you discard or dump YOUR normal and healthy reality. Narcissists always make people feel that they HAVE to please them.

They cunningly access and withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing because it gives them the ability to control and manipulate future events. A Narcissist will slowly but surely erode their target/victim’s reality, self-esteem and spirit! Narcissists completely avoid and NEVER acknowledge the feelings of others, yet they will often bring up how their emotions are being affected and how WE don’t respect or honor their needs. They are eternal victims and NOTHING you do is worthy of meeting their needs. “We JUST don’t love them enough,” OR SO THEY TELL US!

They will slight a target/victim or perhaps make them accept digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the Narcissist to say they were just kidding while still being abusive and hurting the target/victim.

Narcissists will completely change the subject to divert attention back onto themselves. You could be talking to them about a serious matter and it will be dismissed in moments, so the Narcissist has all the attention right back where they feel it belongs – ON THEM. Or they will BULLY you with shouting, dismiss you, and walk away. You never feel that anything about you is important enough for consideration by the Narcissist and you are right!

Narcissists make others feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the miserable level of the Narcissist. They always threaten or hint of some form of punishment that they will inflict if YOU don’t do exactly what they are asking or accept what they are saying. THEN of course they will reinforce this with blame as if you did something that deserves their actions and disdain. They will dismiss you completely and silence you. YOU CAN NEVER MEET ANY OF THEIR EXPECTATIONS!

They will be cold, quiet, and distant, then deny that anything is wrong, but it feels as if they ARE angry. But you can’t access what it is, so you will have no sense of what is going on to help you feel at ease with them. On the flip side there will be inappropriate emotional outbursts to also distract attention, confusing their targets/victims and shifting blame for something you AGAIN have no real sense of. You are ALWAYS left feeling like you are walking on those infamous eggshells with them or always confused and feeling conflicted as to a cohesive reality with them!

Narcissists ALWAYS try to control others to domineer and limit freedom of expression/speech or individuality. Again, controlling the environment around them with confusion, chaos, bullying and negativity. They are ALWAYS instilling fear or retaliatory punishment for anyone that doesn’t comply with their EVERY wish. They will also deny you ANY success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling you out or basically placing you in the category of a loser and not worthy of proper recognition. Their word is the FINAL word always! A target/victim could have accomplished something so worthy of recognition and the Narcissist will never respond with a supportive word or a congratulation, instead they will minimalize the entire accomplishment OR even find fault in it. They will put a handle on any positive situation to make you doubt your achievement of success. They continually manage people DOWN! You lose your reality with them

Narcissists always forget commitments and promises purposely because there was nothing real behind their words in the first place – just more of their manipulation to keep you believing. They will even deny that they promised to do something to try to make you believe you are imagining things.

Narcissists will take advantage of any vulnerability using shame, guilt, and fear to make a target feel worthless by highlighting simple insecurities they may have. This could even be done in a manner where the Narcissist will make fun of the target/victim’s physical attributes in a cruel overt manner.

A Narcissist’s actions, promises, and reality in every situation are totally out of alignment. They ALWAYS say one thing and do another. For example, they preach morality, BUT they have no morals and act on their impulses regularly. They may PRETEND to follow a religious doctrine and praise themselves for religious values but actually possess NONE of these values whatsoever. In actuality they ARE the very sinners that they are denouncing, preaching about, and pointing fingers at. The Narcissist I dealt with was/is infamous for this!

Narcissist are only nice when all other options have been removed or when they feel they are trapped into a corner or up against a wall. This is usually when the truth is so evident that they have no other option available to them. There is no remorse to what they have done, they are just trying to wriggle out of being totally exposed for what they have done AND what they are. They also want to keep you trapped in the abuse so they can keep extorting what they can or achieving supply with their insincere apology and patronizing gestures. In time they will replace you once you have actually caught onto their lies and agenda, BUT of course you are to BLAME for their actions! You are the disordered one and you have abused THEM, and they are “running for their lives” (a favorite and OVER used quote of my Narcissist.) That is really a distorted lie and excuse that they have moved onto a new source, but they are going to keep you locked up in confusion, lies, and abuse surrounding their departure for as long as they can. They will actually PULL you back into the abuse making you think that there is a possibility of reconciliation. It is just a way for them to achieve more chaos to disable you as much as they can as well as implicate you as being obsessed when THEY are the ones that initiate contact to use against you. Keeping you vulnerable also keeps their abuse hidden from the world.

When they are having a conversation, be it one on one or even in a group setting, they will completely cut someone off as if they are not allowed to speak. Narcissists suppress self-expression and individuality to support their omnipotence and power over others by controlling everyone in their world. Basically, they eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves to feel superior and omnipotent! It shores up their false identity and makes them feel so worthy when it is all based on lies and distortion, BUT THEY JUST DON’T SEE IT AS THIS! They are delusional and self-affirming to support their needy needs.

Narcissist will ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses. They push everyone’s buttons. They will even go as far as humiliating people in public situations to show their superiority. They are psycho bullies. By pushing buttons and highlighting a person’s sensitivity they gain power and evoke fear in the target/victim of choice. They ACTIVATE a person’s insecurities to gain power and superiority over them.

Through their vast arsenal of tools to manipulate a Narcissist will pretend to understand a person’s concerns, but then they will blatantly break every boundary and step all over those concerns and basically violate them and you! If they CAN’T control a person they will slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of this person. Narcissists RUIN people’s lives.

Narcissists will always attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They won’t believe they make mistakes and they have no ability to feel or process or truly understand shame.

ALWAYS remember that lies and deceit are a natural part of the narcissist’s world. The old saying, “the best liars lie to themselves first” really applies to Narcissists as well as “the lie often repeated is far more convincing” and they repeat their lies many times over! A Narcissist has the amazing ability to believe their own lies even when they fly in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. You HAVE to take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. A friend of mine always said to me “if they are breathing they are lying” and it is the truth!

LASTLY! Don’t allow yourself to ride on this emotional roller coaster through hell because it is never ending! So then heed this warning and live by it – once you leave OR are out of the relationship the Narcissist doesn’t need you anymore and its more than likely (pretty much a guarantee) you were emotionally and physically replaced long before the separation or discard AND they are out to destroy your integrity AND you to avoid exposure.

Everything I outlined here is taken directly from my experience with the Narcissist I knew. Unfortunately, I was blinded by the manipulation, constant lies, and brainwashing, but NEVER again. I ‘believed’ and never saw the train wreck in front of me. Was I a damaged person? No not in the normal reality of the behavioral sciences as in having a mental illness or a personality disorder but I became the byproduct of the disabling abuse by being in the company of a highly dysfunctional and disordered person. I have insecurities, I have wounds, I may trust a little too much, I get angry, etc. – BUT, I am a good person that respects people. I give and love unconditionally, and I know when enough is enough. I get hurt but I don’t destroy and punish people because of this, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and ALLOW them the opportunity to talk and work through things. THAT is having empathy, that is creating a viable relationship with give and take, that is being unconditional and trying to give the benefit of the doubt to a person you care about – that is giving of yourself and this is what bonding SHOULD be with another person – unfortunately with a Narcissist it is all TAKE and no give! This is the IMPORTANT lesson we must take from the abuse – WE ARE THE NORMAL AND AMAZING PERSON HERE that was severely manipulated and that has disabled much of our being, psyche, heart, mind, and soul. No/minimal contact. Greg

Those ‘Red Flags’ waving and what they are – YOUR wise INTUITION.

Image may contain: text that says 'The SAME red flags flags you ignore in the beginning will be the the SAME reason it all ends! That was our intuition shouting out the truth that we ignored believing we could fix this! From my Book: Greg Zaffuto Author From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist'

Those ‘Red Flags’ waving and what they are – YOUR wise INTUITION. Anytime a Narcissist makes it easier or harder for YOU to make a decision or even do something they are really manipulating you because they have some sort of agenda in mind! There are NEVER REAL concerns surrounding you and I – there are only opportunities because we are ‘utilitarian’ or not individuals in the mind of a Narcissist – so everything they act on benefits THEM and NOT us.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

No photo description available.

So what are ‘RED FLAGS?’ The very things that confuse you and spark your intuition that something isn’t quite right! While you keep trying to hang onto this relationship you are only burying yourself deeper and deeper into the darkness and the void that defines a Narcissist. It is this daily struggle that is so unfulfilling and damaging, as well as makes you feel so unhappy and worthless. Beyond that there is going to be a huge eye opener with the full devaluation this creature is going to throw at you when your time is up with them as supply. It is virtually impossible to friend, care for, or love a Narcissist normally because you are only plugging yourself into their game of abuse as their PRESENT source of supply. They are literally using up every bit of your life and reaping all the benefits. You can’t have any type of relationship with a Narcissist because they are not real and all you are doing is buying into a projected image personally designed just for you to con you completely into their agenda.

We constantly struggle with the vision of that amazing connection in the back of our mind (the one that we were CONNED into believing). We reflect on it, hold onto it, nurture it, and try to bring it back and make the relationship work and make our Narcissist happy by working harder at the relationship – but in reality it is blinding us to the truth that is right in front of our face. That struggle in our mind is our intuition or those RED FLAGS that we are ignoring and instead we are trying to work through the nonsense. We are even asked (more like demanded by threats) to do things differently or do what this Narcissist wants, it only leads to more demands and making us sink deeper and deeper into this distorted and desperate love. We are occasionally thrown a bone with “I love you so much,” or something positive that makes whatever relationship you have with them SEEM to achieve a cohesive peace but again it is not real AT ALL and the Narcissist cashes in on another lie that manipulates us once again! But despite our intuition or the deep-rooted sense that something is totally wrong with this relationship it still feels familiar to care, friendship, or love because that is what we hold onto to alleviate the struggles and pain. We begin to feel increasingly unhappy because we are never having any of our needs met as well as totally confused and lost. The struggle to get this person to care or love and accept you is not working so you employ all kinds of tactics to try harder but to no avail. It is the vicious cycle of this abuse or the trap that keeps you running in circles until it ends – and that end is always devastating and destructive because of the emotional and psychological damage that the Narcissist inflicted that kept this toxic relationship going. The Narcissist just closes the door and moves on to the next victim AND that basically defines a predator and ABUSE!

So, the truth here is that the lies, manipulation, betrayal, etc., is absolute and fundamental to the Narcissist’s agenda and survival in the real world to fit it and achieve the supply they so desperately need from us – we can’t change them or fix them because THIS is their mode of operation. The Narcissist can’t change and, most importantly, they DON’T want to change. They inhabit a fantasy world which becomes reality for them and those they manage to brainwash. There is no reality or truth for any person that resides in their world. It is always a train wreck and a catastrophe waiting to happen and there are always many victims. In their world the truth and falsehood only hold instrumental meaning or functionality as they apply it to a situation and there is absolutely no morality contained in any of their thoughts or actions. No/minimal contact ALWAYS. Greg

WHAT is behind the backstabbing and smearing OR the Narcissist’s pre-emptive attack on our lives. FIRST, because we all have an expiration date with them – so they have to implement an escape plan that will give THEM the cover to run. Second (with the ‘first’ in mind) they MUST – destroy you and I so they avoid ANY accountability or exposure for being abusive to us.

No photo description available.

WHAT is behind the backstabbing and smearing OR the Narcissist’s pre-emptive attack on our lives. FIRST, because we all have an expiration date with them – so they have to implement an escape plan that will give THEM the cover to run. Second (with the ‘first’ in mind) they MUST – destroy you and I so they avoid ANY accountability or exposure for being abusive to us.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Many, if not all Narcissists get away with psychological terrorism and they murder their targets self-esteem, mind and soul – it is part of their agenda after they have gotten all that they came for. Be it bullying, slander, or abuse, they are all things that should be prosecutable offenses and they do this all of their lives. So just how do they get away with it all without any consequences AND why do people believe them? WELL, first off because the Narcissist KNOWS that they are creating outrageous and dehumanizing acts against people and humanity, so they also think up ways to avoid the consequences, especially because of what they fear the most – EXPOSURE!

The big plan! That shrewd Narcissist destroys the victim’s credibility in advance. They are by far NOT geniuses, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you want to get away with abusing someone, you first launch an effective pre-emptive attack on their character, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when the truth finally starts emerging that they (target/victim) was abused. Here is the formula for the Narcissist to be successful at this – abuse and then accuse your target/victim of the very atrocity the Narcissist has committed and BOOM you are on top of your game to escape the exposure. They have been backstabbing/smearing us behind our backs from the very first day that we met them – but we were very distracted by the ‘love bombing’ and growing trust with this creature – just us being a normal and empathic human being. Meanwhile that dark Narcissistic creature was just plugging us into their cycle of abuse and building up their minions, flying monkeys or Narcissistic support soldiers.

So, people believe the monster first. The more preposterous the Narcissist’s accusations, the more firmly people believe them because they got there first spreading their poisonous lies! It is like when a child comes forward with accusations of abuse, people are going to (or basically have to) believe the child to get to the truth about the allegations. Any and all preposterous accusations will always yield strong attention to the subject matter because you just can’t walk away from such a dangerous and damaging situation without offering support because it would seem if the person listening didn’t care or lacked the empathy to help the lying Narcissist out. Just the shrewd monster acting out their destructive agenda.

The disordered narcissist commits moral mayhem by destroying the victim’s reputation and credibility, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when they start to tell the truth. Truthfully this description of mayhem that the Narcissist used to destroy the target/victim’s integrity is purely projection, so the Narcissist gets a bonus by dumping their demons onto us as well! Thus with the Narcissist this pre-emptive back-stabbing and smear campaign, allows the narcissist to reduce the target/victim to such a vulnerable and helpless state that it compounds the abuse at the highest level by accusing the target/victim of being the abuser as well. Remember that the Narcissist used the ‘familiarity’ of knowing us personally to ‘be in the know’ about many of our situations and that familiarity will yield semi-valid but distorted ‘personal’ connections to events and other people. In other words their smear campaigns will be laced with small bits and pieces of a distorted truth that listeners can relate to.

So what a Narcissist puts into motion is pathologically treating us like dirt and maligning us behind our backs to control and destroy us. They are predators that are pre-loaded with delusion, psychopathy, and abuse. This seriously puts Narcissists in their own special class with Psychopaths or like a branch from the same Psychopath tree. The class of people who don’t wish you or any other human being any sense of well-being, no matter what or how friendly, caring or loving their façade is. This is the same class of predators as physical, sexual or ANY other kind of abusive predator and Narcissists are just as dangerous. Seriously we MUST internalize Narcissists really are predators and dangerous, but many people just don’t appreciate the true meaning or the reality of Narcissistic abuse basically letting it in one ear and out the other as the saying goes!

So if you get to know a Narcissist’s history, you will usually see a track record of destruction followed by mysterious upheavals in their life – but the Narcissist will lie and blame every other person, and citing every possible excuse they can. Truth be told the coward ran in the other direction because the good people (past targets/victims) started comparing notes and got the disordered Narcissist’s number, became enraged and exposed the truth. Narcissists really keep their past separated from the present and the future. Never be silent about this abuse because too many people have been harmed by these creatures – even their own biological children and family. If they are forced out of the darkness, and made accountable for their actions, they would be forced to stop their abuse or run like the cowards they really are. No/minimal contact always to end the madness! Greg

What they say and what they do are ALWAYS two different things – their words are empty and ‘blanks’ that they use to manipulate a person or situation to THEIR advantage!

Image may contain: text that says 'Narcissists are pathological hypocrites! They PRETEND to have values and morals but possess NONE! They are ANGELS in public but behind closed doors they lie, manipulate, criticize, disrespect, and abuse! Their whole life is a double standard where they can do and say whatever they want but how dare you say anything back to them or criticize them. They have MANY rules for others but follow NONE of their own rules and practice NOTHING of what they preach. From my Book: Greg Zaffuto Author- -From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist'

What they say and what they do are ALWAYS two different things – their words are empty and ‘blanks’ that they use to manipulate a person or situation to THEIR advantage! They feel completely entitled to everything and anything without ever earning it, working for it, asking for it, or showing ANY appreciation for anything – it is THEIRS to take and pillage! Narcissists view the world as their playground to take whatever they want and never give back – it is ALWAYS and ONLY about them and the deception and destruction they inflict in the process. THEY DO NOT BOND WITH PEOPLE – THEY USE THEM AS OBJECTS AND ABUSE THEM TO KEEP THEM IN PLACE UNTIL THEY HAVE GOTTEN WHAT THEY WANT AND FOUND THEIR NEXT VICTIM!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

No photo description available.

What defines a Narcissist? ANYTHING they want that they can create or make up to achieve another agenda or better yet con job. They view or better yet PORTRAY themselves as omnipotent, moralistic, religious as well as many other things that they stamp onto their worldly resume – none of which have any real connection to who and what they are – abusive and destructive predators that want something from EVERY person they come in contact with and they will use whatever they can to CHARM it out of them AND then try to destroy the person they abused. There is no marriage vow, bond, or connection to love that prohibits a Narcissist from doing exactly what they want because there are no consequences they feel internally and really there is NO RELATIONSHIP with them.

It is ABSOLUTELY amazing how a Narcissist can cover their tracks to hide what can only be described as their perverse, toxic, and out-of-control lifestyle. Remember they are not doing this just to be the amazing actors that they are. These are deceptive and abusive personalities that need this disguise to extort people and life using whatever instrument of abuse they can to achieve their agenda – the best word here is that they are cunning like a fox – but always remember that they will attempt to destroy all of their targets/victims to avoid exposure. This is who they are and it works for them and they do NOT care who they harm as long as it benefits THEM!
It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism too) HAVEN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who just don’t have any closeness or role in their life to see reality of who and what they are. Once you get emotionally close to a narcissist, THEN AND ONLY THEN do you get to see them drop their carefully crafted and charming mask that hides the out-of-control and abusive creature hiding behind it AND that is after they have TOTALLY fooled and conned you.

A Narcissist never looks inward in a manner to see that they have a personality disorder, or that their world is built on lies and appearances – that is merely a clinical definition for us to sort of understand them. Furthermore, they never admit to being wrong, doing anything wrong, or having wronged or destroying the many lives that they do. However the Narcissists HAS wronged others, be it cheating, lying, manipulation, hurting them emotionally or physically, BUT a Narcissist manages to project blame on and into the targets/victims and everyone around them. They also have their minions and a new supply to support them or filter their lies through, as well as hide behind to avoid exposure.

In fact, the Narcissist will view him/herself as superior or above the rest of humanity. Narcissists do not see themselves as the SELF-SERVING pathological and destructive person that lives their entire life like a parasite using and taking advantage of others, objectifying people and then moving on once they have been emotionally drained and damaged a person. Nor does the Narcissist see how flimsy their thin veneer of lies, and false credentials are. No instead the Narcissist will project their false image and describe themselves as a hero of sorts or even a saint as far as it concerns humanity and their role here on earth BECAUSE it is their working mechanism in life because otherwise they are just a huge void! This is part of their disordered and damaged self that enables the Narcissist to live in complete denial of the damage they inflict onto people’s lives. There are no written laws, rules or regulations that a Narcissist will follow. They are in COMPLETE denial of their false lives! They have absolutely no notion or care as it concerns right and wrong or truth and lies because empathy does not exist in their world and defines their personality disorder.

The Narcissist considers him/herself above the norms of goodness and elude or defer that any of their action’s borderline being outright evil toward others. That is the double-edged sword that they attack the world with. The truth is that their lives are all about double standards or what serves them – if it wasn’t for double standards they would not have ANY standards at all. A Narcissist will stand tall and preach about morality as if all cheaters should burn twice in hell, but as he/she is giving their lecture from the pulpit they are also surveying the room to find a little extra supply to have on the side. But the Narcissist is not a cheater in their mind – they are DESERVING because they are special and above reprise for their actions in life.

The real definition of a Narcissist is that of a creature that is so preoccupied and focused on their every desire, pleasure and need that it completely blinds the Narcissist from reality and self-blame. The Narcissist re-writes reality to fit his/her delusions and with every taker AND it is like the Narcissist winning the lottery when they find a new target to extort and harm. They relish the chase and kill and love the spoils they have stolen from the very people that treated them with kindness, love and respect! CLARITY is what saves us and moves us onto recovery. Knowledge, education, support, and NO/Minimal contact! Greg

MORE knowledge and education — The ‘strategy and technique’ behind the Narcissist’s language to manage down and diminish their victims.

Image may contain: text

MORE knowledge and education — The ‘strategy and technique’ behind the Narcissist’s language to manage down and diminish their victims. Narcissists will simply bait you with their conversations to constantly manage you down in an effort to keep you confused and off balance. Communication is their tool to manipulate and deceive people and life. Let’s understand this and put a real perspective on the Narcissist’s ‘SPIN’ that they put on everything!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists will simply bait you with their conversations in an effort to constantly manage you down in an effort to keep you confused, off balance, and to CONTROL you. Just within a normal conversation it almost seems like they are testing you, assessing you, setting you up and that causes you to constantly walk on those eggshells and explaining yourself. They are gauging your reactions to see just how far they can push you to the edge to get a chaotic reaction – that even includes the OCCASIONAL charm or love bombing or just different types of baiting you (positive and negative) or simply diversions.

With those ‘chaotic’ messages, they want you to react emotionally and after they bait you AND get a reaction they will tell YOU to calm down, or say you are overreacting and make you internalize their disappointment with you – it is like a double whammy. They want the upper hand always to feel in control so the whole point of this is to get you unhinged and they can and will get down and dirty to achieve this – it is CONTROL to steal your power away and to empower themselves. Conversations are always a competition with them just like everything else with a Narcissist and you are always left out in left field with no real clue because normal people are not always in a competition with other people like a Narcissist is. Think of it like this – it would be like the Narcissist purposely punching you and then getting angry at YOU and making you wrong for reacting to the harm they have inflicted on you.

They will use actions as well to drive their point home with you. Suddenly they are not paying attention to you, or they are very eager to get you off of the phone. They will cancel a plan or just disappear without an explanation or basically isolating you and silencing you for no apparent reason. It is akin to distancing themselves from you to get a reaction and again so that YOU react. This pulls you RIGHT BACK INTO their chaos and feeling confused and overthinking again. When they return you calmly confront or question their actions and receive a resounding “I’m SICK of always arguing with you – WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??” Well you never started an argument in the first place, you were only reacting in a manner to create some sort of cohesive understanding AND peace, but the Narcissist hones in on your confusion (and reactions) and labels them as arguments. They have successfully manipulated you right into their game to make you believe that YOU are to blame and a defective person. They will more than likely verbalize this to you as well because they love those harmful words. They do this as often as they can and over time it is disabling and destructive to you because it erodes your worth, self-esteem, and your personality or individualism. It is CONTROL pure and simple!

So, another example of this chaotic baiting – let’s use the example that they cheated on you or they are just being cruel to you. They won’t directly address accountability for THEIR part, the truth, or the reality of the situation but instead they will bring up something totally unrelated from the past that YOU have done wrong. It is sort of like a comparison to divert or deflect from their horrendous actions and basically justify what they have done (get away with it unscathed). It goes like this – because YOU have done something in the past that they know about – they are trying to relate to YOUR situation as WORSE than whatever they did and somehow this makes THEM better and above accountability for what they have done – pretty sinister move! It is their way of keeping score, but they are always the winners because they are the scorekeeper. Perhaps you sincerely admitted to something you had done wrong in your past and you shared it even showing regrets for your actions. They will hold you hostage to this and accountable to whatever it was YOU did (even if it didn’t concern them) and then whatever they did really isn’t all that bad compared to your actions. So, don’t you even DARE to hold them accountable or complain about what they did because they are going to bring up your indiscretion(s) from the past! This is not a normal resolution this is deceptive manipulation on their part to shore up their lies and actions and a Narcissistic diversion and deflecting from the truth.

Again, all of this is done in an effort to put YOU on the defensive to avert all responsibility and accountability AND keep you off balance. In any situation where they are threatened by exposure of the reality of what they are the Narcissist has to SHAME you in a manner to stay in control. They have no shame for their actions though and I mean NONE whatsoever. They only transfer their defective qualities onto and into you and basically create strong labels that they attach to you that justify WHY they do what they do – call it Narcissistic justification and denial. Remember they are the ‘eternal victims of the world’ and BLAME everybody else for what they do – this is really projection. They are transferring their own flaws onto you as well as seeking a reaction that basically confuses or confounds you to drive the point home and to get away with what they do. They HAVE to respond because they can’t just sit there and allow what they feel are blatant attacks ON THEM because they do NO WRONG – but as you and I know they do MANY ‘wrongs!’ They HAVE to force you into submission so you internalize their attacks as reality of who YOU are. You are not any of this – AGAIN this is part of their extreme manipulation techniques – and one of many!

If you were able to pull yourself out of the confusion when they are doing this, you would clearly see that their reactions are so delusional and a huge defense mechanism to hide the very truth from themselves and everybody else. Educating ourselves about the truth of what a Narcissist is AND does is one of the most important and essential aspects of recovery. It is the bridge that takes us to full recovery. To heal we must understand, we must expel everything that we internalized from the manipulative Narcissist and their abuse. We have to realize that these are non-functioning individuals that are predators. There NEVER was a relationship with them, there NEVER will be a relationship with them, AND they are NOT capable of having a REAL relationship with anyone!

Let’s sum it up with this – if you can’t use your words with them in a manner to have a real conversation, or share your thoughts, express yourself, or just talk normally than what do you have? Nothing! Communication is imperative to ANY relationship and if it is not there than there is no relationship whatsoever. This is the reality with a Narcissist because they are one huge control machine that is programmed to dismiss every aspect of your individuality. There is a lesson in all of this and that is we have to completely actualize this and move on no matter what because we are not dealing with a normal person or anything normal with a Narcissist. There was NEVER one conversation you have had with them that had any basis of reality because they have none to offer.

Along the same lines, they do not change after we depart from them BUT they do create a new self or better yet a new façade for their next target. The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure as well UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation or the ‘same old, same old!’ Trying to talk to them about anything would be like being a hamster on a wheel running and running on that wheel but never getting anywhere except exhausted and right at the same place you started. In the end, they will probably run off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day so let them be where they are. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. NO, they will only manipulate you more and use more projection to always make YOU out to be the person at fault. They are securing new supply and you reached your expiration date. ANY attempt at a connection would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! You couldn’t affect change with them all throughout your relationship so you are not going to be able to do that now either. The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along. No/minimal contact to truly get the clarity you need to move forward! Greg

A Narcissist will keep recycling us into this abuse with their careful and highly manipulative words that really deflect from the truth of who and what they are.

Image may contain: text

A Narcissist will keep recycling us into this abuse with their careful and highly manipulative words that really deflect from the truth of who and what they are. They will divert from the truth of their conflicted reality by adding a little bit more of that charm, an apology, or whatever they need to do to always hide the truth – and the REASON WHY – to keep us hanging on because they still need SOMETHING from you! Nothing has really changed because they have been doing this diversion tactic at every level of the relationship in some form or fashion.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

No photo description available.

Here is where the big game of manipulation begins and repeats itself OVER and OVER again to keep you in their orbit until THEY are done with YOU. They snuggle right up to your emotions and mimic them to create an amazing connection. Add to the equation that they are charming, and intoxicating – they continually seduce their prey into their lair with lies and manipulation. They create a perfect connection with us and seriously it is only a story and one written precisely for us. It is a calculated move on the Narcissist’s part to figure out exactly how to find a place in our mind AND heart through their extreme manipulation. They are quite good at it because they have fooled us or better yet conned us to get us to a place where they will take advantage of our trust AND generosity. To a Narcissist it is just another day with no real thought or remorse to any of their adverse actions. They want something so they go after it and there are no rules or laws that they abide by as it concerns any harm they cause to people. Don’t forget that there is also NO empathy, so they don’t know how to care, have a real friendship, or love – they don’t even have a clue what it feels like, but interestingly enough they mimic it very well and will support it as long as we are viable sources of supply. What an amazing and well thought out plan a Narcissist develops and uses to secure their supply that shouts out PREDATOR!

OK, so here is what we clinically understand about Narcissists: They lie, they are purely vindictive, they look down on everybody, they refuse to accept any responsibility, they are two-faced backstabbers, they live by no rules or laws, they prefer laughing at people rather than with them, they are pathological bullies, they are very childlike, they believe that no matter what happens they will prevail because they see themselves as invincible, they believe that whatever bad things they do they deserve forgiveness, they NEVER do anything wrong in their eyes, they are fearless and non-caring to the point of being insanely unrealistic with their delusional attacks, their lies, and personal attacks including their smear campaign, they are obsessed with their fantasies about power, success and wealth, they are incapable of compromise and need to win, they thrive on evoking reactions and emotions – both negative or positive because it gives them a Narcissistic high, chaos rules their life, they are out-of-control with their needs to secure supply from all people, they cheat on all of their partners, they break down their target/victim’s will through constant dehumanization and brainwashing to make them feel like they are the negative entity in the relationship and worthless.

They are NOT capable of bonding, a relationship and especially “real” love as normal people know it. They constantly manipulate people to go against their own values willingly, they USE them as puppets, pawns and commodities with positive and negative manipulation and schemes. They burn people out and then move onto their next victim, furthermore they do not value people, do not miss them or love them because that involves bonding emotionally at various levels and the ability to bond at ANY level is completely MISSING – THEY ONLY USE PEOPLE for personal gain and rewards! No/minimal contact always. Greg

That extreme CONFUSION or clinically what is called ‘cognitive dissonance.’ How we get manipulated and stuck in between the complete POLAR OPPOSITES of the Charm and Harm! A Narcissist intentionally inflicts this duality upon us to keep us confused, disoriented, constantly performing for them, and walking on those eggshells, but we NEVER find any sense of reality as far as OUR part in this relationship with them!

Image may contain: text that says 'Narcissists intentionally put us in a revolving cycle of harming/hurting and then charming/carin and soothing us. It keeps us in a constant and dizzying state of confusion and frustration. This process keeps the victim OFF BALANCE because it creates TWO different and opposite realities. Our brains are not able to process this OPPOSITE duality- -or the charm then harm. It is called cognitive dissonance in Psychology that creates constant stress and traumatizes the victim. From my Book: Greg Zaffuto- Author From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist'

That extreme CONFUSION or clinically what is called ‘cognitive dissonance.’ How we get manipulated and stuck in between the complete POLAR OPPOSITES of the Charm and Harm! A Narcissist intentionally inflicts this duality upon us to keep us confused, disoriented, constantly performing for them, and walking on those eggshells, but we NEVER find any sense of reality as far as OUR part in this relationship with them!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

This is a person we cared for, loved, or basically believed in no matter what the relationship was! But they demeaned us, hurt us, and made us feel wrong and worthless! How can both of these things coexist and be true. What did we believe in that now makes us feel so confused and lost – is it us? NO this is what emotional and psychological abusers do to people – tear their victims down piece by piece to control them. It is NOT you it is ALL them and the abuse situation! Unfortunately we bonded with them and that tugs at our heart and messes with out mind and makes it so hard to cross that bridge to the REAL truth that they abused us.

Most every conversation you have or had with them always seemed to leave you confused and drained. You and ONLY you were left with the burden of trying to figure out what they have said or basically what the heck just happened. It was like a hit and run accident and you are/were left in shock trying to gain a foothold of the incident. A basic conversation would go from zero to a hundred miles per hour and in a direction that put you in the path of an unavoidable crash, AND you weren’t able to control the direction you were headed in. FACT – it was meant to be that way!

You ask yourself how did this all start and what led up to it? You will end up spending hours, or perhaps even days, obsessing over the intent of the message or argument. You exhaust all of your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing – it was pre-planned to be this way by the Narcissist. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but there is as far as it concerns the Narcissist that is controlling you. They don’t care so there is no reality – but on the other hand YOU believed in this person and do/did care. You are left at such a conflicting place with polar opposite thoughts that only confound and confuse you – so you only try or tried harder to fix what you couldn’t.

Lets look at this confusion. Everything they have absorbed or learned about you was being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to charm you because they know your likes and they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no you in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!

So what about these ridiculous and crazy arguments, etc. You could have NEVER kept up with the original conversation (or argument) in a realistic manner because it was basically nonsensical in your mind and had no real basis of reality. But it served a purpose as far as the Narcissist is concerned to deflect from something or the other, or there was an agenda to it, or to demean and dehumanize you – control, control, CONTROL. BUT it served its purpose because it confounded or confused you and forced you to process the CRAZY information with no real success. You will have many rebuttals going on in your head AFTER THE FACT because you feel a need to defend yourself or rationalize what happened. Basically you are trying to fix the situation, but was it an argument because you really didn’t do anything but yet you feel like you did something, BUT WHAT IS IT YOU DID??

BAM, this is exactly the place a Narcissist wants you to go to – total confusion and insanity – THIS is the emotional/psychological abuse that disabled you. They have drawn from the vast wealth of knowledge they have gained from observing you and use it consistently to maneuver you into a place of confusion and isolation. There are many reasons behind each of these scenarios, but they are basically to manage you down and to control you. However you will try to resolve this because you feel you need to address what happened and more than likely to defend yourself hoping for resolution but in the end you’ll find that you are the person apologizing. After a while these crazy arguments will have you stuck in the confusion so much so that you have lost all perspective of your relationship, as well as your value in the relationship. You are always responding to the Narcissist’s crazy making and never participating in a reciprocal or real relationship. You are being emotionally and psychologically abused! Again this is because of the bond we have with them – or the bond we were manipulated into believing and what keep us or kept us attached at the hip trying to find cohesiveness where there was NONE!

With all of that being said, your mind is always trying to process a duality that exists – you care or love them and believe in them but on the other hand you don’t like what they do to you and you find yourself buried under all of this confusion. How can the person you have come to care or love and vice versa, have changed so drastically. They haven’t changed, you are only seeing the truth about who and what they are. You just don’t completely get it yet. What exists is cognitive dissonance. In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values. The theory of cognitive dissonance focuses on how we strive for internal consistency. When inconsistency (dissonance) is experienced, individuals tend to become psychologically uncomfortable and they are motivated to attempt to reduce this dissonance, as well as actively avoiding the situations and information which are likely to increase it. The struggle exists within loving this monster and trying to avoid the unavoidable and consistent managing down (or the dissonance.) How do you avoid this when there is a bond or love is the reality that you are hanging onto?

So again – whatever they may have done to you was done with intent no matter how it may have hurt you AND they just don’t care and feel justified in their actions. There is no real relationship or love as far as the Narcissist is concerned. They live in a perverted and out of control world and take whatever they can from people with NO CONCERN to the harm they inflict on anybody else. AGAIN WE MUST UNDERSTAND that there is no real relationship with them! We BELIEVE there is BUT we are all just taking our turn as supply and even though we are their PRIMARY source that still doesn’t mean that it is real by any means.

So in a nutshell what does this cognitive dissonance do to us on our journey forward? You start the process of recovery in disbelief, fear, and shock! The shock in essence numbs you temporarily from going completely insane by giving you the ability to separate yourself from the totality of this disaster or some breathing room – it is nature’s sedative. Once the dust settles though you start to see the whole picture standing before you and now reality sets in. As you are setting out on this journey your emotions are going to be overwhelming as you try to understand all of this and they get in the way and confuse you. You are trying to sort through pure chaos and you may respond to it with tremendous ambivalence, anger, hatred, vengefulness, and MANY other negative feelings. Along with this you will be doing some deep soul searching trying to put perspective on so many opposing thoughts that don’t correlate with the care or love you believed in AND it creates a huge void and a great sense of being so lost and alone in all of this.

You must constantly tell yourself and reinforce that this was not a normal or real person that COULD care, love, or bond with you. You must accept that it was a huge lie and most importantly that it had nothing to do with you because the Narcissist managed you down to believe that you are to blame and the disordered one! You must accept that it did happen to you and there is no rhyme nor reason to it because Narcissists are character disordered and in a class of their own. They are dangerous to human beings and destructive and you are so FORTUNATE to be FREE of them (in time you will clearly see this). You are a testament to the very reality and truth that YOU have experienced their psychological abuse and have been severely damaged by a relationship with them. You have to completely switch off from thoughts that pull you into believing they will change or you can fix them – YOU CAN’T!

Now you have to actualize that there is so much goodness in you and seriously that is what this Narcissist wanted to own and destroy and that is why they targeted and disabled temporarily. You ARE a good person and probably an AMAZING person so don’t ever lose touch with this because the Narcissist told you differently. They are disordered and negative and they live with this premise to make everyone else around them unstable by managing them down. THIS is what psychopaths do to their targets, manage them down to nothingness to control them.

You have to create a discipline to stop looking at the ‘what ifs’ or ‘could I have done this or that’ or that somehow you caused this abhorrent treatment. You have to stop yourself from trying to obtain information about what they are doing through social media, OR trying to make any type of contact with them. You seriously have to just stop thinking about them as being anything real to you and concentrate on YOU. Tell yourself that this is DONE! Yes there are situations that you must stay in contact with them, but again you must separate the emotions and break the chain that binds you to their psychopathy and keep it to the business at hand. Ask yourself what it is you would want back (as in fixing the relationship?) Do you want to enter back into the abuse to experience more dehumanization, lies, betrayal and extortion? No of course not! Lock into this message and put your happiness first!

Now as far as connecting to the reasons WHY you were the target of this disordered Narcissist – in a nutshell it is because they are predators after prey pure and simple. With this type of encounter with horrendous abuse we definitely have a strong desire to re-evaluate our life and behavior. Again this is normal and can be progressive in your recovery because it is your desire and ability to grow, transcend and move forward. The encounter will provide a spark to grow and evaluate your inner self to correct anything that kept you tied to the abuse and you will correct all of that with introspection and boundaries – but that will happen once you traveled through the truth that this was abuse and you are no longer vulnerable and caught up in the distorted emotions and confusion. Acceptance will move you forward, anything else will pull you right back into the confusion as well as more abuse and you will only have to start at square one AGAIN! No/minimal contact to start this important journey. You can and WILL get through this confusion if you empower yourself with knowledge, education, support from other victims/survivors for clarity, and using your voice to gain the information you need to move forward! Greg

The Narcissist is an EXTREME egomaniac and feels so deserving of everything in life – this is the totality of their infliction and what makes them a Narcissist because nothing else matters in their world except for their every need – AND they seriously don’t care who they HARM in the process.

Image may contain: text that says 'ITISNEVER THE NARCISSIST -BUTALWAYS YOUANDI Theywill do anything and everythingto looklike the perfectperson by blaming, shaming, and even destroying the person that threatenst expose their lies and deceit! From my Book: Greg Zaffuto- Author- -From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist'

The Narcissist is an EXTREME egomaniac and feels so deserving of everything in life – this is the totality of their infliction and what makes them a Narcissist because nothing else matters in their world except for their every need – AND they seriously don’t care who they HARM in the process. We are all stepping stones that they walk on and over to get what they want. ONCE we understand this and internalize this, we must NEVER engage with them or look back at them as anything but the predatory and destructive con-artist that they really are.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

No photo description available.

They feel that they are BETTER than everybody and deserving of EVRYTHING they want in life and they will take it no matter if they abuse people or break the law to do so and they just don’t care. They act as if they are royalty in life, and feel above and even insulted by any unworthy subjects – like YOU and I expecting his/her majesty’s affirmation or attention – we are there to serve. It is all part of the fictional novel going on in the Narcissist’s childish mind, that magnanimous work of fiction about themselves in which he/she is the star of a great masterpiece all about themselves.

Little children do the same thing in their play fantasies but THEY eventually grow up and deal in reality. The Narcissist totally IDENTIFIES with the fictional character that he/she creates in that mirror that is you and me. WE have a bit part in this show as a character (one of many) that exists to reflect the Narcissist’s greatness through our interactions with them period. They will always share how amazing they are and how they have so many friends, how their family and children love them, etc. BUT in reality, what they share are usually bits and pieces of tiny truths that are ALWAYS the direct opposite. Their immediate family eventually rejects their hideous actions or perversions that they have inflicted on them, but it is always somebody else’s fault. Everybody else picks up the slack for these creatures like raising a family, paying the bills and keeping up the real responsibilities in life. The real relationship with them is no give and all take but never care or love, it is all about serving the Narcissist – the rest is their fictional story that you believe that locked you into what you believed was a relationship. In time you realized the truth when their words and actions never backed up the façade they personally created for you.

You will fall out of grace when your eyes reflect the disdain of their lies and manipulation and you will enter a battle with them where they will destroy you for making them face the reality of who they really are. They will just run off after they have destroyed your integrity and start up a new life of abuse with someone else. Yet, deep down inside, the Narcissist is aware that their life is a sham, and they are vulnerable as far as being exposed and that is what they fear. They are always a step or ten ahead of the game and have gathered up every bit of personal information they can use against you to destroy your integrity so that your voice becomes weak and unheard when you start to speak out. Their out of control life is a constant reminder of how unstable their amazing world is AND how weak and feeble they really are! Clinically this is described as the Narcissist’s Grandiosity Gap – or it other words they are gift wrapped box that is EMPTY inside when you unwrap it.

The Narcissist can pretend to know everything, in every field of the human condition and is seamless with all of the knowledge that spills out. Again, they are all confabulations and lies that the Narcissist prevaricates to avoid the exposure of their real ignorance AND their dark world they MUST hide. Their knowledge and experience are just copycat information that has no basis of reality or is earned through realistic education, goals, hard work, relationship bonding, human compassion, real love, or anything else. AGAIN – they have no reality to back it up or empathy to understand life at any level! The Narcissist resorts to numerous prefabricated ‘imitations of life’ to support their God-like omnipotence. What goes on in the shadows is what really defines them and exists in their REAL world, and that is their vast neediness and out-of-control lifestyle that betrays all of life and love. You can take the power away from the Narcissist by removing yourself from their diabolical and delusional world and stop supplying them with your life. Start with no/minimal contact! Greg

It is a ONE WAY STREET and a dead end with a Narcissist! Let’s Put this Together – Narcissism 101. Knowledge and education is vital to starting out on your journey to recovery – OR – great for a brush up course to remember where we came from and where we NEVER want to return to!

Image may contain: text that says 'A relationship with ANY Narcissist is a one-way street, and you will travel in that direction for as long as you are driving on THEIR highway of life. You can never change their direction and inevitably that direction always leads you to a 'dead end!' However, you CAN change your direction by getting off that dangerous road with them. There is no YOU in this relationship and NEVER will be! Greg Zaffuto Author From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist'

It is a ONE WAY STRET and a dead end with a Narcissist! Let’s Put this Together – Narcissism 101. Knowledge and education is vital to starting out on your journey to recovery – OR – great for a brush up course to remember where we came from and where we NEVER want to return to!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

A relationship with ANY Narcissist is a one-way street, and you will travel in that direction for as long as you are driving on THEIR highway of life. You can never change their direction and inevitably that direction always leads you to a ‘dead end.’ There is no YOU in this relationship and NEVER will be!

Narcissists are masters of deception, manipulation, betrayal and lies. They drive their “reality” home through bullying, brute verbal force and emotional abuse. A Narcissist clings to their prefabricated/phony belief system no matter how many times they are confronted with evidence to the contrary. In fact, the more wrong they are, the greater the manipulation and outrage they will display. If you challenge a Narcissist’s point of view, lies, distortions, unfounded accusations, etc., just watch how the discussion turns into a one-sided argument with drama, denial, chaos, re-writing history, theatrics, threats, silencing and even punishment very quickly. So let’s review the techniques one more time to pull all of the facts together and drive the point home!

Narcissism 101 – a quick reference guide to explain some of the tools in the Narcissists arsenal to succeed at extorting supply and abusing their target/victim.

  1. Avoidance Tactics! When you present facts that contradicts a Narcissists belief, they will flip to another tangent or change the subject or even make up some sort of accusation against YOU, then use it against you to counter or divert your questioning, etc., etc. – organized CRAZY MAKING on the Narcissists part to avoid facts or truth. While you are still defending your original point and why it’s valid, the Narcissist annihilates or assassinates your thoughts (because you’re making sense) and distracts you by jumping to another topic that’s completely out in left field. The result WHAM – that wily and shrewd Narcissist has side tracked your whole thought process and somehow you are the one being interrogated and your original question or thought has gone up in a puff of smoke to the heavens and it will never return OR BE VALIDATED with a response – EVER!!
  2. Silent Treatment! It can start by the Narcissist blurting out these two words – SHUT UP! When you try to explain your feelings or point of view, you will be silenced or even told to, “shut up!” Narcissists are psycho bullies and will bulldoze your words or thoughts right into the trash heap. When you challenge them they believe if they ignore you, or stop you from speaking the truth like it doesn’t exist, sort of like a small child who closes their eyes to “make you go away.” After all they have the mentality of a three year old child. They can’t handle the smallest truth and they go to great lengths to deny and obliterate it by overpowering the target/victim and always gaining control – as well as shooting the messenger too!
  3. Name-Calling or making fun of you. This is the last resort of psycho bullies, such as Narcissists. Because they can’t honestly or intelligently defend their position or their behaviors, they resort to emotionally-based personal attacks. It’s another distraction technique that sidetracks you from the original point of contention by disorienting you and putting you on the defensive. They intend to hurt your feelings with some sort of a ‘snarky’ comment to hurt you and that they do without a care in the world.

Calling a person names doesn’t prove any point it’s merely an attack AND cruel and meant to divert you by causing you pain. Walk away with dignity and respect without internalizing whatever cruel insult the Narcissist has tried to wound you with. Life is not a playground for Narcissists to act out in defense of their “damaged inner self” so they can control, overpower and knock everybody else down to the ground in defense of their out-of-control and perverse lifestyle.

  1. Projecting. Narcissist project by accusing their targets of things that they themselves are actually guilty of. I can remember those times when I was accused of having multiple affairs, or using sex sites to find anonymous partners, or the most confusing comment that I was having affairs with married partners and how horrendously wrong this was. I would shake my head and my jaw would drop to the ground. I KNEW THE TRUTH that I didn’t do any of this, but at the time I wondered why and where this Narcissist was getting this perverted information. So push the “forward button” to the present and now I know the truth that these WERE the things this Narcissist did to me in the shadows. Projection makes them feel “OK” about their lies, betrayal and any other dark things they are doing. They just cast them onto us, distort our reality by making us guilty of what they are really doing then somehow this makes it OK that they do what they do that is so destructive to us. They JUST DON’T CARE who they may hurt with their perverse life because they are totally directed by their neediness and out-of-control lifestyle – AND THEY ALWAYS ACT ON IT.

I knew a male Narcissist that BOASTED about his sexual prowess. This Narcissist was married with children and his wife was expecting another child. One night the Narcissist went out with some friends in a car and they ALL engaged in acts of sex. When I responded in disbelief, this Narcissist said “what it wasn’t really sex (as in the conventional method) and my wife didn’t know about it, and she was pregnant.” When I explained that IT WAS SEX and that his wife would have been horribly hurt if the truth ever came out – plus she was pregnant – and the whole situation was just wrong – he shrugged his shoulders and just didn’t care. This was this Narcissists WHOLE outlook on life. He said that she never knew and it was all innocent as far as he was concerned. If you would do the exact same thing to a Narcissist they would have you arrested, thrown in jail, have congress hear their allegations, and probably have you removed from the country.

  1. Narcissists have a perspective of people AND the world around them and that is all-or-nothing, good versus evil, or basically everything is in black-and-white terms. They have no capacity for context so you either see things their way or you must be destroyed as the enemy, imprisoned, punished and SILENCED. You can’t respectfully agree to disagree EVER. Any criticism, difference of opinion, accountability issue, or challenge to their “authority” is seen as a threat and will be treated as such that you will be devalued and destroyed. It doesn’t even have to be something you have said, it can come right from the Narcissist’s interpretation of any given situation and it can become a perceived threat that they will react to. Somehow a situation becomes YOUR fault when you have NOTHING to do with it and/or it is innocent. For example a smile from a stranger, a phone call from a tele-marketer, or your phone ringing and you just don’t answer it, etc., etc. Their vivid little minds contort these simple situations into us having affairs, or whatever delusional belief they come up with. Quite simply the Narcissist reacts to the world in a constant defensive manner. Oh and the clinical word for this is “splitting.”
  2. Smear Campaigns and Back-Stabbing are probably the most destructive to our lives. The Narcissist utilizes this tool in a manner to cause the most destruction they can. It’s never enough for the Narcissist to act out against us or only disagree with and despise us for most everything. Everyone else in the whole world must also hate you and see how wrong you are, or how mentally ill we are too – this includes family, friends, co-workers, and any other person you have contact with like the preacher at your church, doctor, local policeman, educators, etc. Narcissists attack your ethics, integrity, sexuality and manufacture the most ridiculous stories/lies and basic nonsense in order to destroy your reputation. The slander and gossip can be done in such a way that it looks like the narcissist is filled with compassion for you. Unfortunately, the bigger the lie, the more gullible people seem to become and they tend to believe it. You are damned if you do or damned if you don’t in this scenario. If you defend yourself you seem guilty, if you don’t defend yourself you seem guilty – SO YOU SEEM GUILTY of everything they have said!

Furthermore — Narcissists are manipulative psycho gossips. They eagerly listen to and spread slander. They are self-righteous finger-pointers, always accusing others of being bad. Narcissists can make their gossip sound virtuous, but destroying people’s integrity isn’t a good deed by any means. The Narcissist will badmouth others but embellish his/her slandering with words like “love” as well as use Christianity and concern that requires the Narcissists prayers to help the POOR victim that the Narcissist is back-stabbing to death. The narcissist wears a halo above their head to help keep that mask from slipping – but a halo does not change the spirit in which slander is done – to control, manipulate, triangulate as well as to divide and conquer.

Narcissists are character assassins. A narcissist has a trail of trashed good names and careers in their wake. The Narcissist will have even told you horrendous and terrible lies about the people in his/her own immediate family, etc.

  1. Gas-lighting is a term that is derived from an old black and white movie where a character tried to make their spouse believe they were going crazy or insane. The Narcissist LOVES gas-lighting to make their target/victim seem crazy or insane. They may deny things they’ve said and done and accuse you of the same to make you believe that you are forgetful, or delusional. They may hide things like your car keys and tell you how forgetful you are. They will also twist a grain of truth about most any personal situation and turn it inside out or into a huge distortion until you seriously doubt your own sanity and look like the crazy person when you try to defend yourself. For instance they will accuse you drinking too much when you possibly have a glass of wine with dinner, but they exaggerate and embellish the situation as if you NEED that wine or forget that you had 3 or 4 glasses when there is no truth to their exaggerations. Along the same lines, if you don’t get along with someone, the narcissist will say, “I get along with him/her just fine.” The Narcissist will have nothing but praise for that person. Likewise, if you got really bad service at a restaurant, the narcissist will say, “They gave me excellent service.” The narcissist praises the other or responds with the opposite because it reflects badly on you and well on them. Lastly they will say that other friends or people have CONCERNS about you and have commented on various occasions as well.
  2. Withholding. This is my addition to the ‘clinical list’ of traits. Basically it is the Narcissist’s way of utilizing classical conditioning with their targets. Withholding covers an array of areas where the Narcissist can AND will withhold something to elicit a response to CONTROL the target/victim, both positively or negativity. Be it withholding the truth in any given statement or situation to cause confusion or deflect from reality or even withholding sex from the relationship to confound or confuse the target/victim. It is all done in a manner to CONTROL. In the game of abuse control is power and that is what the Narcissist NEEDS to be able to extract supply from us as well as stay in command of the situation (their ability to abuse to extort what they can.)
  3. RAGING AND ACTING OUT! The Narcissists level of outrage, vindictiveness or emotional withdrawal is in direct proportion to how accurate you are OR you are starting to realize ALL OF THE TRUTH and they know they are BUSTED. It is more like the Narcissist rises to the situation with more vivid attacks – raising the volume and not the logic. The Narcissist will either talk over YOU, or shout at you to wear you down with emotionally-charged statements and attacks over and over again until the Narcissist drowns out all reason or you pass out from the sheer exhaustion of it all. When all else fails PUNISHMENT and or the silent treatment until you submit and apologize for your “offense.” Perhaps they will slip out for a few days and arrange time with other supply and taunt you with that!
  4. Narcissist process or filter out so much of their disordered life and actions through Blaming and Shaming. They blame us for everything that is wrong and then they never have to consider how they contributed to and caused the issues and their own unhappiness. They shift all the responsibility onto us so now WE look like the bad and crazy one in an effort to shame us into submission. After years of their manipulation, brain-washing and manipulation we begin to actually believe that most if not everything is OUR fault. This is the psychological terrorism aspect of the abuse and it makes the target/victim feel unworthy!
  5. The BIG BLAME THEORY. Narcissists are the VICTIMS of the WORLD. When a Narcissist is called out for their bad behaviors and dishonesty (accountability), they will play the “woe-be-me” victim. They will plead their case of how THEY were unjustly wronged, as well as claim they’re being unfairly attacked for “standing up for the truth” and having the “courage” to speak out against THEIR abuse and saying we were the abusive one in this relationship. This and the smear campaign is how the Narcissist defends their indefensible behaviors with what I call the “BIG BLAME THEORY.” This allows them to avoid exposure and walk around UNNOTICED to find the next target/victim to extort and abuse. You will find them preaching at their pulpit and telling whomever will listen just how they RAN from abuse, and how good they are and to learn through their experiences and “love is just around the corner”. Nonsense love is NEVER just around the corner after you have been abused – you just don’t walk away from the abuse to enter into another relationship because the destruction is extensive and at every level of your life.
  6. Triangulation or Divide and Conquer. This is the process of isolating you from your friends and family. Narcissists accomplish this by putting themselves in the middle of your relationships and making you out to be bad to a friend or family member – and then doing an about face and convincing you that the same family member or friend is gossiping about you behind YOUR back (divide and conquer.) Often, narcissists glibly sneak bad ideas about others into your head. They do this by chipping away at that person’s image subtly and relentlessly every time they mention him or her.

Narcissists are psychologically and emotionally abusive psycho bullies that extort normal and good people for “supply”. Supply is what they take from us that they can’t get from being whom and what they are so they shape shift into an amazing person or fit to embellish our lives – “love bombing”. They lack empathy so this PROHIBITS them from any reality as far as it concerns loving another human being or being in a growing relationship. There is no relationship with a Narcissist because they do not allow any person to express or be an individual while in their presence. They attach themselves to our lives to extract everything they need to function normally (as well as every other thing they can take) – things they can’t possibly achieve on their own because of their disordered lives and delusional manners. Narcissists objectify their targets/victims as well as psychologically terrorize them to gain complete control. This is why I use the strongest term for how they extract their supply – THEY EXTORT supply from their targets/victims and hate them in the process as well. This is abuse from day one when they “love bomb” or trick a target/victim into trusting them so they can open that wound up in our hearts and keep it open until they have taken everything we have and then they search for other supply to extort. They torture their targets/victims psychologically as well as make them feel as much pain, shame and blame as if in an effort to make us one of the “walking dead” like they are. This is a hideous abuse that causes long term psychological damage to people, families, organizations and all life in general. To coin an old phrase, “Just say No” – that is NO CONTACT and be free again! Greg

%d bloggers like this: