Category Archives: Narcissism
When that REAL monster appears from behind the mask – with a bit of my personal journey to recovery.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
It is during the devaluation phase that you see the real monster behind the mask. That Narcissist has emotionally sucked you dry and probably lined up someone new to use and abuse. They have completed another cycle of abuse because YOU saw the truth and they knew it. THEN the rage and attacks start and it is too late because you have been disabled and already lost your reality and soul. You only know how to accept all of the Narcissist’s punches to your heart and mind and react with the least resistance because your reality has been modified to accept this abusive reality in an effort to fix the relationship. You have always concentrated on keeping things real because you believed – but what was real except for all of the lies, betrayal, and manipulation and how this person was totally coning your life away from you! AGAIN, please internalize this message as the reality of your situation and throw that ‘love bomb’ out the window before it blows up one more time in your heart and head.
When I saw, and actualized the real truth it was unfortunately too late because all of the psychological damage was done and the negative messages were planted in my head! Even as strong as I believed I was the horrendous manipulation took my reality away and distorted my very thoughts! The damage was also done to the people I cared about and loved – and they were poisoned too. That Narcissist had to pull out all of the big guns to totally disable me, causing so much havoc within my family, my career and my whole life to instill more fear in me and keep me away from fighting back to avoid exposure. At the time my mother was living out her last days and this Narcissist even used this in a manner to kick me harder because I was dealing with this tragedy. They are relentless and soulless creatures. A Narcissist counts on our vulnerability and fear to enable them to control us in any manner they choose! There was no chance at that point to work on myself and figure this all out because I WAS too vulnerable and mentally unhealthy after the years of abuse. The discard battle ensued and was in full force with this Narcissist to try to destroy me when I was no longer a viable source of supply. Then as a Narcissist does to their targets/victims there was also the manipulation AFTER the discard to try to keep me believing with MORE horrendous lies and even saying we could work things out and that went on for almost a year. That was just to divert me, silence me, and to keep me still believing AND confused so I wouldn’t expose this Narcissist! It is the same manipulation that a Narcissist uses all through the relationship that NOW keeps you/us tied into them and STILL believing while they escape the exposure that they are ABUSIVE and move onto their next targets/victim IN THE RELATIONSHIP or out of it with the final discard.
So, when the end is apparent you are still operating with all of the distorted messages that you were conditioned into believing all throughout the relationship and it makes you feel very alone and desperate to just fix this somehow. It is the ‘same old same old’ as the saying goes! You are not seeing solutions YET, instead you are only reacting to the pain the best you can. Once you are at the discard you are only fighting all the harder to fix this because the Narcissist is making you BELIEVE and controlling you with more and more lies! They feel powerful and on top of their game because you are so broken from all of the past abuse! So YES, maybe I was not in my right mind, but that is where this Narcissist wanted me to be and that is what they do to each and every target/victim. I was no fool though, I was and am a very loving and caring person that has empathy and wants to trust and believe in people, but unfortunately I wasn’t dealing with a real person, nor did I see the truth until it was too late. MOST importantly I didn’t have a counter offensive to this abuse because I didn’t know it was abuse at the time! I didn’t have defenses in place at the time to counteract all of the horrendous mind distorting games – nor did I know this was a dysfunctional and destructive con artist or I would have ended this and had this person thrown in jail or locked up in an insane asylum in a heartbeat (unfortunately that isn’t reality because that is difficult to do with this abuse)! BUT through knowledge, education and the support of other victims and survivors I learned the truth and made it my passion to help other people understand the truth as it concerns them as well.
Lies of course are the basic tools a Narcissist uses and they have these lies in place everywhere you turn. They have full ‘back up’ from other people that they have also conned, as well as from the people they charm so seamlessly. I am not a dumb person that believes everything I hear or see, but I was intentionally blinded from the truth about so many situations, and without that truth I was conned so completely. My emotions also kept me from believing my intuition that was screaming at me so many times! Emotions are natural to real people! AGAIN, I was not the only person that was conned into believing this Narcissist’s departures from reality. I did finally see through the lies as we all do because these creatures are insatiable as far as finding new supply and acting upon their every perverted need AND they get caught in the lies too easily and that is really to our benefit because it exposes their darkness and we see the real truth!
This is what they do so that you become so dependent on them – this is what their abuse amounts too OR total subjugation of a good human being because they make us their emotional punching bag because of their extreme envy of life and people. They are very real and destructive creatures and when they trap you in their dark world you have to escape or you could lose your life. This is what the outside world does not see nor understand. It seems like we allowed it because the signs were there all around us! But there were no signs that spelled out abuse and destruction. There were red flags waving but none of them said get out to save your life. Psychological abuse is subtle at first – so the target/victim doesn’t escape the agenda of the person administering it until it is too late. I may be foolish about some things but when it concerns my well-being I am no fool to allow a person to destroy my life. Never assume a role that assigns such thinking to make you out to be that weak. There are viable actions from a Narcissist that are very real in this abusive situation that takes a victim down. You will do a personal inventory to seek out your weaknesses and shore them up when you are healthy! We are many different types of people that fall prey to this abuse! BUT none of us wanted it or deserved it!
There was a time that I hated this Narcissist, but I realized I hated myself because I believed that this was my fault somehow. I forgave myself when I allowed the truth to become my rational reality. No I wasn’t stupid I believed in what I shouldn’t have believed in BUT I was manipulated first and then the truth appeared later. Yes, let’s say that somehow I allowed parts of it in between all of the manipulation and lies BUT I finally got it when the truth became overwhelmingly evident. The truth is not meant to be apparent with a Narcissist, because it would expose what they are. Confront them with it and you might as well throw yourself into a tank with hungry sharks!
It was not an easy task getting to the truth because I didn’t know I was dealing with so, so many lies UNTIL they presented themselves to me. There were so many inconsistencies as well as too much disparity with so many people connected to this Narcissist’s life. Friends and family were revealing bits and pieces of the truth and it was overwhelming AND confusing. A new pattern was revealing itself as it concerned my connection and relationship and that was this person was distorting what was real to avoid all accountability and ANY connection to their past! This Narcissist could not afford any more exposure because there was already so much mounting evidence that was there from past relationships and trouble with most ALL of the family! I had to be destroyed and discredited just like the previous targets/victims were! I was put into a battle and this Narcissist wanted to destroy my integrity and life. A Narcissist just can’t stabilize their ‘out of control’ lifestyle because their needs outweigh EVERYTHING else. They are NOT fully functioning human beings and they are destructive!
So, I finally accepted what I had to and realized that a person that SUPPOSEDLY loved me would not do any of this stuff unless they intentionally wanted to DESTROY me. Then I took into account just how horribly disordered all of these things were and that sold me on the truth that this person was very damaged and destructive. It may sound too simple because I am not presenting every single thought, all the factual information, nor the amount of time and sick pain that also came along with these revelations. When I take myself back to my abuse and the pathetic lies and excuses this Narcissist used to cover the truth I just shake my head in disgust and repulsion now. I used to feel like a huge fool, but I know I am not to blame for what was just a distorted game that was personally implemented and imposed on me by this disordered and destructive person. Sadly, the truth didn’t reveal itself when I was a viable and useful source of supply and why we don’t get it until we are no longer useful. A Narcissist pours it on so seamlessly in the beginning because they are getting what they need! We believe it is relative to the love that two people create together. With me, when the truth came out, then I knew I had to get away with my life and that is the journey I started on. Now I can use this truth to help other people. It doesn’t have any negative effect on me, just information I can share to help other people find their way back and you will be at this same place too.
Do whatever it takes to achieve the truth or your ‘ah ha’ moment so you can move on and away from having ANY part in your life! Yes, there were many obstacles, the smear campaign, minions, destruction to your integrity, more games, and more abuse. With me it finally ended when I stopped allowing it and until I committed to changing myself to end this crazy dance! I survived the damage, and I didn’t lose those people that knew me and loved me. I gained a whole new healthy perspective about life and people. I learned to love what was good in me and change what was damaged in me. My biggest lesson was to displace everything about this Narcissist from my life. To reject that this Narcissist was real to me, to accept that this damaged person didn’t care to change and to let it go at that. I know that this may not seem like a viable solution right now to many because the pain is overwhelming. But it is a workable and what you must do first or moving on from the Narcissist enough to gain a real understanding and then start building your life back up from there. You must do something to end all of the disparity and it only happens by the changes you make for yourself. You have an abundance of love that you gave freely and you must now give it back to yourself. If you don’t free yourself from these chains that abuse you, you will carry them around forever. You can heal from this when you throw that Narcissist out of your life and mind completely.
My advice to you is consistent, however. Do not maintain contact with the Narcissist once the relationship is over. Go no/minimal contact. They know you and how to manipulate your emotions – so accept what they are and what they can do to you if you allow them any bit of entry into your life especially as it concerns YOUR emotions. Having control over you gives them pleasure, every time you reach out to them, you are providing Narcissistic Supply and that is ALL they want. PLUS, Narcissists hate being ignored so they won’t leave you alone until they’ve found a new victim who will adore them without question and then they will replace you in a heartbeat. BUT remember they need to silence you to avoid exposure, so they will do what they can to destroy your integrity. They also WANT to rub your face in all of this to make you always feel worthless in their eyes. That unfortunately is unavoidable but you will survive that too. Only you can allow this Narcissist to completely destroy you, so please don’t. There is nothing and I mean absolutely nothing you can do to fix them or this relationship! There are no miracles out there that can change this creature! There is one miracle and that is you – you can break this cycle of abuse because you have all of the tools right there with you to take you back to a normal reality.
So, how do you end the madness and get your Narcissist out of your mind? Stop trying and allow the truth to get you there! Let them occupy that space for whatever time it takes you to actualize the truth but seek it out as quickly as you can so you don’t stay a victim to them any longer than getting to the truth and releasing. What you suppress will surface until you deal with it. There will be days that you feel that you are only crawling along this path of recovery, BUT any forward motion is success! THERE IS NO OTHER ALTERNATIVE TO THIS! Understand the ABUSE through education and talking it out and then move on and away from them occupying any part of your mind. They are what they are and that is as far as you have to go as the Narcissist is concerned. What you have experienced should never be forgotten because it is now a lesson that you must remember, THEN you are less likely to fall into another Narcissist’s web of abuse. While it seems like I am suggesting that you do not put them out of your mind I am not, I mean don’t put the real lessons from this negative experience away and instead make those lessons new boundaries. Don’t permit ANY of the memories about them rule your life or sanity or you will be lost forever inside of them. Once you work out the true reality or nature of your experience, you will find a way to heal from a Narcissists abuse. It is not easy and it will take time and attention, as well as complete self-honesty. Don’t forget that life is out there and you have to reconnect with it again. Don’t allow disparity to lock you up LIKE A PRISONER. Find a minute, an hour or whatever time to enjoy something or get together with people. REMEMBER this all can only start with no/minimal contact. Greg
PART 2 from yesterday’s post: Any conversation or interaction with a Narcissist is like a ‘hit and run’ accident – you are left in shock, dazed, damaged and trying to figure out what just happened!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
It is YOUR fault no matter what, and you DIDN’T do anything to deserve this treatment. BUT you are to ACCEPT their every deception or else they will find somebody else to serve them (tactical abuse for sure!) They have an arsenal of tools to divert from accepting any responsibility for their actions that includes blaming you always and raging at you for daring to question their right to complete freedom (unfortunately you don’t actually know this is a ploy for them to achieve that freedom!) Normally they just lie to cover up their perverted world but on the other hand the Narcissist has a strict set of rules that you must follow and that includes your COMPLETE dedication to them, and you must NEVER betray them as they do to you. You ARE the normal one here that has integrity, morality, empathy and love. That defines you and you don’t need any rules to follow because all of this comes naturally to you. The Narcissists erodes these rules and wants you to believe that you are the very opposite of your valuable belief system!
They simply bait you with many conversations in an effort to constantly manage you down and keep you confused. Just with a normal conversation it almost seems like they are testing you or even mocking you. They are gauging your reactions to see just how far they can push you. They want you to react emotionally and after they bait you to get a reaction they will tell you to calm down, or say you are overreacting and make you internalize their disappointment with you. They want the upper hand always to feel in control so the whole point of this is to get you unhinged and they can and will get down and dirty to achieve this. Conversations are always a competition with them just like everything else with a Narcissist. Think of it like this, it is like the Narcissist purposely punches you in the face and then gets angry at YOU for reacting to that punch!
They will use actions as well to drive their point home with you. Suddenly they are not paying attention to you, or they are very eager to get you off of the phone. They will cancel a plan or just disappear without an explanation – basically isolating you and silencing you for no apparent reason. This pulls you RIGHT BACK IN and when they return you calmly confront their actions and receive a resounding “I’m SICK of always arguing with you – WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??” Well you never started an argument in the first place, you were only reacting in a manner to create some sort of cohesive understanding AND peace, but the Narcissist homes in on your confusion (and reactions) and labels them as arguments. They have successfully manipulated you right into their game to make you believe that YOU are to blame and a defective person. They will more than likely verbalize this to you as well!
So how do they do this? Let’s use the example that they cheated on you or they are just being cruel to you. They won’t directly address the truth or reality of the situation but instead they will bring up something totally unrelated from the past that YOU have done wrong. It is sort of like a comparison to divert from their horrible actions and basically justify what they have done. It is their way of keeping score, but they are always the winners because they are the scorekeeper. Perhaps you sincerely admitted to something you had done wrong in your past and you shared it. They will hold you hostage to this and accountable to whatever it was YOU did (even if it didn’t concern them) and then whatever they did really isn’t all that bad compared to your actions. So, don’t you even DARE to hold them accountable or complain about what they did because they are going to bring up your indiscretion from the past! This is not normal resolution this is deceptive manipulation on their part to shore up their lies and actions and DIVERSION.
Again, all of this is done in an effort to put YOU on the defensive to avert all responsibility and accountability. In any situation where they are threatened by exposure of the reality of what they are because the Narcissist has to SHAME you in a manner to stay in control. They have no shame for their actions though and I mean NONE whatsoever. They only transfer their defective qualities onto and into you and basically create strong labels that they attach to you that justify WHY they do what they do. This is really projection. They are transferring their own flaws onto you as well as seeking a reaction that basically confuses or confounds you to drive the point home. They HAVE to respond because they can’t just sit there and allow and accountability or blatant attacks ON THEM because they do NO WRONG! They HAVE to force you into submission so you internalize their attacks as the reality of who you are OR who they want you to believe you are. You are not any of this!
You ARE the normal person here but you find yourself explaining things like the reality of your feelings, or your need for cohesiveness but you are talking to a stone as far as getting through to a Narcissist. You are basically telling the Narcissist that they are winning at their extreme manipulation by participating. There is no such thing as empathy, feelings, or being nice with a Narcissist. Big red flag here because adults do not need to be taught how to play nice! Usually it is a five-year-old that needs a playground monitor and that is what you are dealing with – a five-year-old liar as well as a delusional bully in an adult body that will NEVER change these sadistic behaviors.
Try as you may to bring resolution to any concern by working through it and you will find yourself spinning your wheels because you will be re-hashing your concern over and over again. They want you to stay in this maze of confusion. They will ignore your every word in favor of crushing your thoughts once again as if your words do not even exist. They want you to reengage to inflict more confusion and damage. They will only repeat the same delusional comments from the original argument and using all of the same words and the same garbage they already threw out at you. They totally ignore any legitimate arguments you may have provided and you are up against a stone wall. NOTHING will ever be resolved unless it is on THEIR terms and that basically involves disabling you and breaking your spirit. With a Narcissist, the exact same issues will come up over and over again!
Unfortunately, we can end up feeling bad for them, even when they have done something so horrendous to us and stay locked up in the cycle of returning to them. We sort of see it as the ‘in’ or opportunity to bond with them because we believe there is something complex about them that our love can fix, because they DO love us, don’t they? Once they have successfully averted your attention elsewhere, everything will go back to the way it was. There is never a deep relationship or deep bond with them whatsoever, nor will there ever be one because they are not fully functioning human beings and abusive to the people that love them. A Narcissist cannot love an ‘individual’ because they can’t tolerate individuality. We can’t be anything but what we are and that is an ‘individual’ so there was never anything but the reality of our eventual discard. It threatens their omnipotence or better yet exposing the truth once we realize the relationship is one sided when our real needs are constantly ignored. This is when we actualize the truth that this isn’t love and in the end you are left with nothing!
A Narcissist’s actions never match up with their words. Seriously they divert with excuses and constant blame. Basically, it’s a conversation straight from hell. They aren’t actually saying anything at all and instead they are just talking at you. Before you can even respond to one of their crazy or outrageous statements, they’re already on to the next and the next AND THE NEXT. What can you do? Disengage before any more damage is done or go completely insane. They NEVER follow through with any of their ‘original’ promises or the love they proclaimed was real with us because they are flamboyant con artists and they only extort what they can from our lives, our emotions and our psychological well-being.
We live with so much disappointment that what we feel is only relief when they do something decent even as small as it is, and this is what they have conditioned us into accepting. There is no decency in their actions, everything is done in a manner to serve an agenda where they are ALWAYS on the receiving end. A narcissist conditions you to become grateful for their presence in your life and they do NOT reciprocate or appreciate you as a person, you are a servant to them or supply and they have many servants! You pay dearly for every small gesture with your life. Once they have depleted everything they can, they are through with you and will throw you in the garbage heap without a care or thought to what they have done They will make sure that your integrity is also thrown into the garbage heap when they smear you in the end! These are delusional and destructive creatures and we must internalize this and make this our new reality as far as it concerns them AND most importantly get completely away from them and NEVER try to relate to their world! They will just create a new world for themselves and ABUSE again. In this new world, their past doesn’t have the opportunity to catch up with the present BUT it (their destructive past) is there looking over their shoulder and one day it WILL catch up to the Narcissist! No/minimum contact to end the madness and the abuse! Greg
PART 1: Any conversation or interaction with a Narcissist is like a ‘hit and run’ accident – you are left in shock, dazed, damaged and trying to figure out what just happened AND that Narcissist has left the scene of the accident for YOU to deal with it yourself!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Every conversation or interaction you have with them seems to leave you confused and drained. You will be left with the burden of trying to figure out what they have said or basically what the heck just happened. It is like a hit and run accident and you are left in shock trying to gain a foothold of the incident. A basic conversation can go from zero to 100 miles per hour and in a direction that puts you in the path of an unavoidable crash, AND you weren’t able to control the direction you were headed in. You ask yourself how did this all start and what led up to it? You will end up spending hours, or perhaps even days, obsessing over the intent of the message or argument. You exhaust all of your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing AND it was pre-planned to be this way by the Narcissist. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but there is as far as it concerns the Narcissist that is controlling you.
Everything they have absorbed or learned about you is now being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to CHARM you because they know your likes BUT they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no YOU in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!
So, what about these ridiculous and crazy arguments, etc. You could have NEVER kept up with the original conversation (or argument) in a realistic manner because it was basically nonsensical in your mind and had no basis of reality. But it served a purpose as far as the Narcissist is concerned to deflect from something or the other, or there was an agenda to it, or to demean and dehumanize you AND again, control, control, CONTROL. BUT, it served its purpose because it confounded or confused you and forced you to process the CRAZY information with no real success – or it deflected you AWAY from the truth as it concerns something or other that the Narcissist may have done. You will have many rebuttals going on in your head AFTER THE FACT because you feel a need to defend yourself or rationalize what happened. Basically, you are trying to fix the situation, but was it an argument because you really didn’t do anything but yet you feel like you did something, BUT WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DID??
BAM, this is exactly the place a Narcissist wants you to go to – total confusion and insanity. They have drawn from the vast wealth of knowledge they have gained from observing you and use it consistently to maneuver you into a place of confusion and isolation. There are many reasons behind each of these scenarios, but they are basically to manage you down and to control you. However, you will try to resolve this because you feel you need to address what happened and more than likely to defend yourself hoping for resolution but in the end, you’ll find that you are the person explaining yourself or apologizing. After a while these crazy arguments will have you stuck in confusion so much so that you have lost all perspective of your relationship, as well as your value in the relationship. You are always explaining yourself or responding to the Narcissist’s crazy making and never participating in a reciprocal or real conversation. You are being emotionally and psychologically abused!
What gets you there? The false connection or ‘con bond’ that this Narcissist created in the beginning. The one where you bonded with them and trusted them. More than likely you believe it is a real relationship and you LOVE them – but in any case, your emotions and heart are basically ruling and clouding your mind. The TRUTH – slowly but surely the Narcissist was tempering your emotions and love to disable you completely. This is a person that you explicitly trust AND they care about or love you too (or so you believe,) so you put yourself into a place to always resolve these issues (as normal people do) so that you can continue with this amazing relationship. You believe that they will reciprocate in a healthy manner because they do care/love you, but unfortunately you are blind to the truth so you fall into the trap and it becomes a dysfunctional habit.
This confusion will blind you to many other aspects of their abuse and the Narcissist walks all over your heart and imprisons your mind in the process. This is CONTROL and it will get worse over time and be more of a daily emotional beating meant to harm AND disable you completely. The WHY to all of this is because a Narcissist is severely defective and basically loathes people and life so they have to destroy the goodness that exists in us to justify their miserable existence? What kind of human could take another human to this place and WHY?
Even accountability as far as it concerns what they may have done to you, be it a huge lie, an affair or whatever will only end up at a dead end too. Whatever they may have done to you was done with intent no matter how it may have hurt you AND they just don’t care and feel justified in their actions. There is no real relationship or love as far as the Narcissist is concerned. They live in a amoral and out of control world and take whatever they can from people with NO CONCERN to the harm they inflict on anybody else. AGAIN, WE MUST UNDERSTAND that there is no real relationship with them! We BELIEVE there is BUT we are all just taking our turn as supply and even though we are their PRIMARY source that still doesn’t mean that it is real by any means. They probably have other relationships or supply on the side that we absolutely have no sense of. These are very dysfunctional individuals that grab at any opportunity to serve themselves. Our primary role is to serve them 24/7 as well as accept their psychopathy, their EVERY indiscretion, lies, betrayal, AND to accept the blame because you/we are not serving them COMPLETELY. No/minimal contact to end the chaos and achieve your freedom and start on your road to recovery! Greg (Part 2 tomorrow)
So many conflicting thoughts, so much confusion! In reality it is ‘control and abuse’ that disorientates your thoughts and disables your reality – and it is MEANT to do so!
Narcissists will degrade their victims, rip apart their self-esteem, and basically erase their personalities! In turn this will basically blind you and make resistance to their control strategies difficult and impossible to detect. This is what psychological abuse does distort OR diverts your reality. They use tactics such as sarcasm, belittling, cruel and constant criticizing, bullying, name calling, berating, excessive blaming, gas-lighting, screaming, raging, threatening, humiliation AND dehumanization. Over time, the constant verbal and emotional attacks weaken the target/victim and erode their sense of self confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem while it enables the Narcissist to feel more powerful and, hence, more and more in control over your reality and life. It is the constant managing down that breaks your spirit completely. You are not experiencing a relationship you are experiencing a reactionary connection with them where you are STUCK constantly explaining and defending yourself in an attempt to return to those days that you were affirmed and loved by this creature. There was no love because that was just another manipulation to gain your trust to make you vulnerable to the Narcissist’s abuse!
The Narcissist plays on your vulnerabilities, fear, guilt, compassion, and values to get what they want. They have gained your trust by making you believe they loved you. This could include threats to end the relationship, silencing or a “cold shoulder,” punishment or other fear tactics. A Narcissist believes and projects an attitude of being omnipotent or all powerful but basically they are really trying to conquer their targets/victims. They need to be in control of others and must have everything their way or they will resort to threats or any other methods to achieve total submission in people. Eventually, the target/victim loses the battle and becomes a prisoner to the Narcissist and the abuse. Just imagine the number of years a target/victim is subjected to this hideous brain-washing and the resulting damage!
Your mind is always trying to process this duality that exists because unlike the Narcissist you possess empathy – you love them and believe in them but on the other hand you don’t like what they do to you and you find yourself buried under all of this as you try to sort through it and make this relationship cohesive again. How can the person you love and vice versa have changed so drastically? They haven’t changed, you are only seeing the truth about who and what they are. You just don’t completely get it YET. What exists is cognitive dissonance. In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values. The theory of cognitive dissonance focuses on how we strive for internal consistency. When inconsistency (dissonance) is experienced, individuals tend to become psychologically uncomfortable and they are motivated to attempt to reduce this dissonance, as well as actively avoiding the situations and information which are likely to increase it. The struggle exists within loving this person and trying to avoid the unavoidable and consistent managing down (or the dissonance.) How do you avoid this when love is the reality that you are hanging onto? You do this with education and knowledge to understand that you are dealing with a personality disordered person that will no change nor do they want to change.
Narcissists intentionally promote feelings of anxiety and despair in their targets/victims by making impervious threats and using intimidation, bullying, and lies. This unfortunately can cause the victim to submit to the unreasonable demands or pathological bullying by the Narcissist. The Narcissist will also isolate their target/victim to deprive them of any outside support which further reduces their ability to resist and give into their disordered demands as the victim’s reality is distorted. The Narcissist will keep the target/victim unaware of what is happening perhaps by taking complete control of the finances, making plans that are unknown to the victim, tell lies about them to others, being distant, withholding feelings, etc. This strategy leads to the target/victim becoming totally dependent on the Narcissist for validation and information because of the isolation. That information will of course be distorted and damaging to the target/victim.
The Narcissist will insist upon controlling their partner’s time as well as their physical environment to try to curb their NORMAL or natural behavior, reality, and feelings of independence or better yet their individuality. They may even insist on their partner, friend, or family member on giving up certain hobbies, social engagements or even work related activities further isolating them. They may also insist that their partner move in with them or away with them to a new location which AGAIN further isolates the victim from their family or friends. Abusers may convince the target/victim that aspects of the target/victim’s character or behavior are totally wrong or they have issues, which takes the focus off what the Narcissist is doing or diversion. Using isolation of the target/victim, the Narcissist can then control what type of information, stimuli, and reality the victim has access to. They will triangulate to place wedges between you and close family members or friends pitting you against each other with lies attached to familiarity that they have accessed by knowing you.
Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts are used to keep the target/victim unsettled and anxious. This behavior leaves the target/victim feeling like they are always on edge and a slave to the Narcissist’s many moods. Targets/victims are always waiting for the other shoe to drop and can never know what is expected. Targets/victims remain hypersensitive or hyper vigilant, waiting for the Narcissist’s next rage, mood change or attack! Living like this is extremely confusing, demanding, disabling, and anxiety provoking, causing the target/victim to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance or the ‘walking in eggshells’ or as I call it ‘walking on shards of broken glass.’ These are the distorted messages that find a home in our heart, mind, and reality.
A Narcissist will deliberately start arguments and be in continual conflict with their present supply to allow the Narcissist freedom to live their ‘out of control’ lifestyle to seek out other supply – this again is basically CONTROL. Narcissists are addicted to chaos and drama since it creates excitement and they draw deluded attention from it (supply is positive or negative attention). They will walk away in silence to drive their point home and further punish you. They are not giving any of it a second thought and are probably off seeking other supply to get their hit because it is like a drug to them. These are very disordered creatures that enjoy inflicting pain on their loved ones to feel some sort of disordered power over them.
Needless to say, we are human and even though situations like the aforementioned seem too incredulous to be real because we know our own truths, it still has an effect on us. Somehow we have to deal with the distorted messages and wonder why the Narcissist is attacking us in such serious ways and we question ourselves as if we have some part in all of this. WHY? Because we are normal human beings that strive for consistency and try to work through things and a Narcissist is not a fully functioning human being and does not have these reasoning powers. Over time these levels of craziness find a place deep down inside of us that make us wonder if we ARE crazy OR crazy for hanging on and trying to resolve any of this. I knew that none of chaos and crazy making had anything to do with me because I knew my life and none of this defined my reality, but the constant question of “why would I be attacked so viciously” would keep me in a constant haze as well as overanalyzing the situation trying to end the conflicts. I remember saying to my Narcissist that we needed a miracle, but there was no miracle that could have fixed any of this! The real miracle was when I accepted the truth and was free from this monster – and YES monster is what describes this person.
You are left with so many conflicting messages that keep you trapped in extreme emotional confusion because this is what the Narcissist wants. By doing this the Narcissist uses us like a yo-yo on a string, constantly forcing you down and then pulling you back up again – perpetual, disordered and dizzying motion to control you and keep you off balance. You don’t have time to clearly think or see the forest for the trees. This is a person that initially proclaimed a real love for you that you invested in AND believed was real. Suddenly that image turns completely around and what was love is now contempt through subtle BUT direct attacks of your integrity to erode our well-being. From there the Narcissist escalates these attacks and they turn into rage, silencing, and punishment to take you completely down and finish the job or the devaluation phase AND then the smear campaign to destroy your integrity.
People do not intentionally hurt people, as well as take advantage of their love or betray their trust! Narcissists will and do FOR SURE! When someone’s actions are unexplainable and fall outside your normal realm of understanding, belief system or moral code, it is not because you ARE the bad person OR you deserve this behavior, INSTEAD it is because there is ultimately something wrong with THEM. Somehow you have to internalize and encapsulate this message so that you steer away from the tendency to blame yourself as well as to assure that you don’t in turn apply compassion to forgive your abuser for harming or destroying you because this was intentional. This is why it is tricky as far as putting the correct spin on the truth! You must also consider your personal safety at all times!
Even though you have labeled them as the Narcissist and they more than likely are, YOU are the one having to deal with sorting this out and finding peace with it because they have moved on and left you with all of the distorted and disabling messages. It will take some time to just understand how someone could possibly be so deceitful, and destructive no matter what! I can say that they (the Narcissist) is definitely the one with the problem, BUT the pain doesn’t go away, nor does that erase what you believed was real! This is not a reality that we have past experience with and you have to adjust your belief system to include this now. This is what novels about creatures and monsters are written about that send a shiver up your spine. The fictional horror movies we have watched are now real to us and one of these creatures existed in our personal world. We can’t just close our eyes or pull a blanket over our head to resist seeing them because they are reality now! Accepting that is an insurmountable process and truth we have to travel to get to!
You will come out of this. You will form new and strong boundaries. You will reflect on your own inner conflicts and resolve them. You will grow with the knowledge that there are bad and even evil people out there that can and will destroy you. You will learn to differentiate the reality of good and bad in life and seek out the goodness in others and return it naturally as it should be. You will find what is important in life and live with an inner peace from knowing this horrid adversity. It is a life changing reality when someone psychologically rapes and terrorizes your mind. It is an unnecessary evil but you now realize it existed in your world and you will protect yourself at all costs from returning to this Narcissist or allowing a similar toxic or abusive person into your life. It all starts with no/minimal contact to break the chain around your neck! It also requires that you accept the reality of a Narcissist and NEVER return as in trying to figure them out, understand them, and feel a need to help them or associate with anything that concerns them. Put all of that away so you can put positive energy into yourself and your recovery! Greg
Narcissists are like the Pied Piper they play a magical ‘charm’ flute that seduces all types of people to follow him/her wherever the Pied Piper wants them to go AND do what they want you to do. You are not even aware of the other people that are right there with you because all you hear is that magical tune that keeps playing in your heart and mind that is all lies and manipulation.
The truth and reality of any connection with a Narcissist is that you have been carefully selected, assessed, and chosen to be a source of supply, probably even compared to others and you may have even been given the ‘main’ position and now you are the 24/7 source of supply but we all have an expiration date. We ALL have a purpose and function PERIOD. As hard as this is to wrap your head around it is the real truth because Narcissists are not in this for any sort of connection other than what YOU have to offer.
You, me and most of the world mistake what ‘drives’ the Narcissist’s as real emotions and love BUT it was purely manipulation and a hideous betrayal to make us TRUST them and believe in the big ‘CON JOB!’ The Narcissist dances the relationship dance with you giving the appearance of being motivated by some form of relationship and having the same direction to pursue this relationship as you have. They talk the talk, walk the walk, and speak the words (really lies) of love and fidelity which reassures and confirms that you both are on the same page AND it is LOVE. Meanwhile, they feel a complete aversion to any real intimacy. They are not connecting to you on any earthly emotional level, but you are completely unaware of this and the real distance and dysfunction that defines their ‘personality disorder’ – well at least not yet. No, they are after something very different than what you are after. They are seeking out a full or part-time candidate to serve them, but they will also have other part-timers on the side providing and fulfilling many other services. In time when you leave them or are discarded AND amazed that they have moved on so quickly, you have to realize that they didn’t move on they just moved over a little bit to another source of supply that was probably always there. They are like the Pied Piper that plays that magical flute that seduces all types of people to follow him/her wherever the Pied Piper wants them to go. You are not even aware of the other people that are right there with you because all you hear is that magical tune.
They have this immense addiction and need for all things supply, or a certain amount and quality of attention that you have been chosen or determined by the Narcissist to be a good or excellent source. They groom and nurture you so completely and seamlessly with the charm so you will continue to give them everything. Through this betraying manipulation, the Narcissist can extort that supply right out of you and get what they want and what they came for. You are just one of many they steal life and love from. Once you are there with them or on the same page (basically hooked,) then it is your job to give them everything you have, or basically your whole life AND blind sighted by their lies that hide all of their psychopathy as well as their other sources. You are there as their main support of supply for them to fall back on when the other impersonal sources of ‘outside supply’ aren’t readily available – you are a matter of convenience just like every other source of supply. You are the steadfast supply that is always there for them because they locked you in with their lies of real love, etc. You are ‘old faithful’ as you continue to pour out supply to fill in all of the empty spaces. This will keep the Narcissist going especially in times of famine when those extra and exciting side sources of supply are not there for them or convenient or easy to get at or access. When you are in a relationship with a Narcissist you have entered into their pathological space and therefore his/her rules apply and they are defining reality for you. Nobody is real in a Narcissist’s life because we are all objects that have a specific purpose to provide constant supply. I hated hearing these words at first because I just didn’t understand because this was love and I knew it. Yes, it was love but only mine because what was offered in return was only lies, manipulation, betrayal and chaos to keep me from seeing the real truth that I was being conned into this agenda.
So YES there are debilitating consequences from years of this abuse! Victims of Narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something. Their confidence becomes so low that they have trouble making simple decisions, questioning and re-questioning things that came so natural to them before the abuse. This is a result from the emotional and psychological abuse used by Narcissists to erode their self-esteem, instill confusion and anxiety in their victim to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. This is skillfully guided by the Narcissist and it clouds reality with leading statements like “I never said that”, “You are crazy”, or “you are imagining things.” The Narcissist will even step up the game by reinforcing these statements by backing them up with statements from friends, co-workers, or relatives that agree and ARE very concerned about the target/victim. This abuse is designed to break another person’s will, erase their personality and send them into the depths of despair – this is not love and never will be – it is psychological/emotional abuse pure and simple that destroys people – let’s be clear about the very truth and never believe it is anything else!
Gradually, the target/victim will NOT trust their own perceptions and doubt themselves completely. This more than often also induces trauma, depression and anxiety – separate issues that will have to be dealt with as well as the ‘other’ consequences of this hideous abuse. The target/victim is totally broken and unable to trust their own perceptions in life (the ones we take for granted as just knowing what to do in life, etc.) so they isolate themselves because life is just too confusing and they fear it (trauma). The victim doubts everything about themselves, their thoughts and opinions, their ideas and ideals or their entire belief system. Ask yourself here and now if you are experiencing this, maybe it is a feeling of hopelessness, fear, confusion, or just an abnormal sense of life, one where you feel very alone and without a real objective to change or fix this by moving on. It is like you have lost your motivation for life as you once knew it.
Targets/victims can and will become co-dependent on the abuser for their reality and the Narcissist loves this because that is their goal – TOTAL CONTROL of your thoughts and actions and they are at the steering wheel driving this abuse full forward. It creates a desperate love through extreme manipulation, grooming and conditioning from a personality disordered person. Who does this but a highly-disordered human being with a dark agenda? Who could take, steal away or destroy any portion of another person’s life for any reason yet alone with the agenda of a highly-disordered Narcissist that is basically driven by their own disdain of life AND an extortionist as well that wants everything they can take from another human being.
No relationship ever ends in such a shroud of hate and destruction as one that ends with a Narcissist. They annihilate every aspect of the relationship, the person, their life, their family, their friends, their career or basically everything in a manner to completely disable you/us. Every action and word that comes from a Narcissist is a bizarre attack on your personal reality. It takes you from the goodness and normality that you have had all of your life to a dark place where you now have feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness because EVERYTHING you do is wrong and you are basically worthless. Even after separation from a Narcissist, the abuse lives on because like a poison it has entered into every cell in your body and in the case of a Narcissistic abuse the poison destroys the mind and reality of their target/victim!
OK – YOU CAN BEAT THIS! You have the ability to unlearn what the Narcissist has conditioned you into believing about yourself and purge the many negative messages out of your mind. You have to do this so that you aren’t stuck in a fog of lies and manipulation that will only guide your life in a negative and destructive direction. What the Narcissist has made you internalize can be purged out of you and thrown away. Move yourself away from any level of this abuse by knowing that you and only you can change and find normality and the reality of a better life. Say no to the Narcissist, say no to the messages in your head that say you are not worthy, SAY NO TO THE ABUSE. Those negative words and debasing actions are only a curse/spell that the Narcissist casts out on the world and it can’t stick if the Narcissist doesn’t have you under his/her spell. Once you have the knowledge and education that enables you to see the very truth about this abusive Narcissist, you can remove yourself and break the spell. You have the power to govern your own will and what you will do with your life. You have to take all of that power AWAY from the Narcissist and give it back to yourself. Yes of course no-contact – but when you have to have minimal contact use the truth to really see what is standing in front of you and disengage in your mind from any thought, words or actions the Narcissist sends your way because they are like bullets from a gun and meant to harm! You are an amazing and beautiful human being – internalize this and know you CAN come back from this disaster by making it your goal to move forward and completely away from this abuse! TOGETHER we heal! Start this journey with the conviction that you can and will live again in a world that does know love, kindness, compassion, care and empathy – start with no/minimal contact. Greg
A Narcissist is only as strong as what we believe and EVRYTHING is basically lies to support his/her inflated world. The biggest lie was that word they loosely used or love! They do not know love, feel love, or reciprocate with the love you and I know.
That grandiose, omnipotent and false self is nothing but a concocted and ever changing role or facade the Narcissist creates so that they fit into our world like puzzle pieces. They create different roles to match the needs of the next AND the next person that they are conning into their world. We are only a reflection in the Narcissist’s many mirrors that reflect that grand image back to them and makes them feel real. The Narcissist is incapable of feeling, or experiencing emotions, love, growth or any human dynamic that involves any type of relationship with another. Relationships to them are a means to an end and that is basically extracting supply or conning people into believing they are real participants in a relationship so the Narcissist can extort what they can OR use a particular person to gain something that they need. The Narcissist has fully mastered this dynamic or process of conning the world with the ever-changing charades they play with life because the payoff is huge and the only way they can survive in the REAL world. Their image is also important in this process so they APPEAR to be normal, moral and good because they have to keep their personal demons at bay through their projection or the real ugly projection that defines them! They are really great actors that take on whatever role will benefit them the most as far as a payoff! You and I are only bit players that support that role and make them look good until they find that NEW role and new players.
This concept is very hard for genuine or normal people to understand because we are wired with empathy, love, trust, acceptance and many other qualities that enable bonding and growth with other human beings – it comes natural to us. The Narcissist depends upon creating this bond through lies, manipulation and that huge façade to gain our acceptance into their world because they harvest people to supply them with ALL of their needs. As rigid as this definition sounds it is merely the truth that any relationship we have with them is based solely on our interpretation of the façade they create personally for us OR acceptance and belief in that Narcissist as if they are REAL! The Narcissist just plays along as a con artist does. The love, dreams, promises, relationship, marriage, biological children, etc., is just part of the fiction as personal and believable as it all was to you! We are just the ‘new supply’ because this Narcissist is fleeing from their last criminal act of abuse and if you think back they were coming out of a relationship and whose fault was it as far as it concerned that last relationship – their ‘ex’s’ fault! They are ALWAYS the victim – and they are akin to criminals because of the disabling damage they do to escape exposure by destroying their target/victim’s integrity and sanity. We HAVE to accept the truth and define them in the realistic light of what they are and detach any and all emotional connection. You could get more love from a rock then you could from a Narcissist.
A Narcissist will completely lie to your face, without flinching, and there is absolutely nothing you can do but believe them because you perceive it as a normal conversation and trust that you are talking to a normal and honest person. In fact, the Narcissist does not even consider that their lies are lies at all. They ARE the truth to the Narcissist because it is just part of their agenda and mechanics to con you AND just their lifestyle. It is THEIR ‘game’ and facade that they need to emulate to seduce you into their psychopathy and support their agenda. This is just your turn to be used and abused because of your unfortunate connection. You were at the right place at the wrong time – or better yet at the wrong place at the wrong time and you are now the latest target/victim. You believe them, because we generally believe people and many of the Narcissist’s lies do not sound or feel like lies because their lies are all encompassing and personal as it concerns seducing us into their agenda. As people of empathy we have known relationships, know love, and accept it as part of life so this was seemingly normal to us.
There are little lies, bigger lies, hideous lies and everything in between – they are ONE BIG LIE. Unfortunately, on this journey the Narcissist will betray, manipulate, prey on your vulnerabilities and make you pay for your involvement with them. Their hate and envy burns inside of them and surfaces as if it is your fault that they are as disordered and lack any real internal feelings. They blame and shame you for their indiscretions in life. WHY – because in time you make them face reality and they SEE their REAL reflection in your eyes. They can’t accept the truth so they act out and make your amazing love wrong, and disable it as well as you. When you hurt, they feel accomplished in the fact that they forced you to feel their pain as retribution for how the world has wronged them. They will never see anything else but fault in people and life. It would be like trying to house train an alligator and inviting it into your home as a beloved pet. It will eat you when it gets the first opportunity because that is what it does and it doesn’t feel anything but perhaps full after its meal! It doesn’t love you or regret its actions, it just feeds off of whatever it can get – so does a Narcissist.
We just don’t perceive most things people tell us as out and out lies meant to deceive us into an abusive situation, YET ALONE a person whose entire premise and life is built on one huge series of lies to extort and basically disable and destroy people through their actions. From the very beginning of your relationship you placed your trust and hopes in them, derived your energy, direction, stability, and confidence from your association or relationship with them AND it was real to YOU. They played right along and even encouraged this special relationship with them, BUT AGAIN this was all fiction and part of their agenda. Unfortunately lying is the Narcissist’s normal and part of their internal mechanisms – so the Narcissist wonders what the problem is because they pretend to be so supportive, pretend to love you, provide you with the benefits of their amazing charm and personality – so they are providing you a service and so what if it comes with a price? The Narcissist believes they are worth it and then some. You got something out of this so what if they completely disabled your life. If goes far beyond the lies because you are dealing with a creature that is completely void of empathy and can rationalize their lies, betrayal, how they extort your life out from underneath you and everything else, right down to the damage they have even imposed on their biological children because they are malevolent, and malignant abusers or a NARCISSIST. They are cut off at the knees as far as ANY connection or bonding with humans – if they can feel it then it doesn’t exist in their world. They completely walk away from their families without a thought except to blame to avoid exposure or people finding out the truth that they abusers and have committed acts of domestic violence. They will PRETEND to be a loving parent after the fact but that is just more of their façade to maintain that saintly appearance to the outside world and to STILL avoid exposure. This is their mindset and how they are wired and there is no changing them because they JUST DO NOT CARE.
The Narcissist creates a viable support system with their minions or cult members that the Narcissist also lies to and they are none the wiser to this creature’s agenda of abuse or that they are participants in shoring up the Narcissist’s façade of saintliness and goodness. The Narcissist creates their own little world of lies and fictitious stories that includes a ‘support team’ or minions that they charm into their life also. So, if you were to question anything about the Narcissist and ask one of their minions, they will support the Narcissist’s many lies and say just how amazing they are because they believe the lies also. That Narcissist is a very shrewd and manipulative creature that controls their complete environment picking and choosing the RIGHT people to support that ‘big lie’ that is their life. Within the Narcissist’s support system, he/she also expects awe, admiration, adulation, and constant attention commensurate with his/her outlandish stories, assertions, and lies. The Narcissist uses their many ‘surface’ friends to reinterpret reality to any naysayers to fit the Narcissist’s fantasies AND lies.
With the onslaught of social media, you can see just how they network just like a politician to gain support. Simply put the Narcissist easily charms and seduces these minions to carry out his/her claims to be infallible, superior, talented, skillful, and omnipotent. If you were to get real with one of these support minions, they could not tell you much more about the Narcissist except what has been drilled into their heads (the lies!) The relationships are just surface friends that don’t go deep by any means nor will you find any sense of history as it concerns the Narcissist’s past because the Narcissist keeps their past away from their present and vice versa. NOW if you were to connect to the very people that the Narcissist had past ‘relationships’ with (intimate,) you would probably hear the hideous truth about this creature! I sure did – but after the fact unfortunately. Seriously in all of the years I knew my Narcissist I never met ONE friend from the Narcissist’s past because there were NONE. There were lots of stories about these amazing friends but none materialized! After all was said and done in my personal adventure with a Narcissist I realized that our role is to babysit these creatures, entertain them, pay their way, and even play ‘love’ with them until the truth becomes apparent about how dysfunctional and dangerous they are. Unfortunately, we pay a huge debt for our connections with them when we face THEM with the truth. It is sad that we do not know this until the damage has been done and THEN we have learned our lessons and THEN face a horrendous truth and a road ahead of us that we must travel to recover from the attack they imposed on our love and life.
Simply put the Narcissist is one big lie that was seamless because they laced it with so much CHARM and basically seduced us into a very damaging and dark world. We believed in them because they used emotions to tie us to their lies and just kept that charm going until we felt a real bond with them. That was the plan or gaining our trust so they could break into our life and use us or objectify us. What a huge production a Narcissist creates BUT again it is just mechanics like a predator after prey – camouflage and all. There is only one direction when you know the truth and that is getting out of this relationship and breaking all ties with them if you can or they will disable your heart and mind. No/minimal contact because YOU are an amazing person that deserves goodness, love and a real life with a real person. Remember that you are stronger than you know and every new day is a sign of your strength and one day nearer to recovery. You ARE just that good to become a real survivor because you won and sent that critter on their way because the truth emanated from the real love that lives in you and THAT is what defeated the abuse or the very thing the Narcissist used to trick you into their dark world. Greg
“I see it. Clearly. Once you’ve seen it, you can’t unsee it” – Sheri S.
Before I definitively had answers about the peculiar form of abuse I was enduring by a person with a malignant level of Narcissism, I inordinately blamed myself for what was happening. My naivete about my then partner’s systematic way of blaming and destroying me, allowed me to well…be blamed, destroyed AND dismayed.
It was only 4 weeks into no contact with my ex-abuser that I was introduced to the fact that what he had been doing to me had a name. The name I was given was the DSM classification, “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”. I then understood that I’d endured, “Narcissistic Abuse”; the particular type of abuse that a person with NPD perpetrates.
The initial stages of recovery were focused on my educating myself about the disorder, which is what we spend most of our time doing helping other survivors on our Facebook page; After Narcissistic Abuse. Knowledge combined with no contact, propelled me along that first year to such a degree that I began to easily notice and pick up on the Pattern (modus operandi) of the abuse perpetrated by a person with a malignant level of narcissism; in effect, I had become an expert on spotting malignant narcissism.
The stories, conversations, and experiences we’ve witnessed and experienced through our Facebook family of survivors, clearly illustrated the same expertise. Once we assisted targets through the highs and lows of emotionality and uncertainty during the No Contact phase, survivors catapulted quickly into the knowledge or “light” phase of narcissistic abuse (as we call it), and we began to see recovery happen swiftly.
I believe the reason for the swift movement and heightened recognition, is due to a few things:
- Without ongoing manipulation and brainwashing, due to No Contact, we as targets are transported from the belief that we were dealing with a “loving” relationship with a “normal” partner to quickly realizing that we were in a toxic, abusive relationship with a person who had a classifiable and possibly diagnosable personality disorder.
- Personality disorders are FIXED for a lifetime. As such, their abnormal psychological schemas and defenses are so fixed, you can easily recognize the similarities of one narcissist born in raised in the outback of Australia and compare their abusive traits to a narcissist plucked from Sudan, Asia, or the US with very little uniqueness.
- Without ongoing projection and blame by the narcissist, for being the “true abuser” or “the crazy one” or any other ways they shifted the responsibility for the abuse to their targets, we are able to finally begin to put boundaries between our own identity, behavior and responsibility and that of the narcissist’s. While none of us behave perfectly within ANY relationship, we clearly begin to see that the abusive dynamics were driven, controlled, and carried on by the desires and intent of the Narcissist and that we were along for a ride that we were completely unaware existed, until we were finally able to manage our way out of the situation. Basically, the responsibility for abuse, lies with the perpetrator and that is the Narcissist.
- As a result of trauma and in some cases, developing PTSD, we became hypervigilant to people and situations that remind us of our abuse. Once we’ve been burnt by a narcissist’s abuse, we try to avoid it at any cost in the future.
As we solidify our knowledge of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, we begin to see the traits everywhere. We see pathological lying, we see entitlement, we see incongruity between words and actions, we detect love bombing and flattery, we sense when people are using others as objects, we can detect triangulation, manipulation, a smear campaign, insecurity cloaked in bragging, and most of all, we can spot what a lack of empathy not only looks like, but what it feels like.
It’s been said many times that the Narcissistic individual will never change and can’t be helped but that the people around them are the ones who seek help. I believe this is a true and accurate statement. The people around a narcissist are the ones who CAN FEEL the PAIN. We suffer. We seek relief. We seek answers. The narcissist bullies their way through life with expectations of being pampered, excused and enabled for some really atrocious and immoral behavior and usually skate away unharmed, unaffected, and unaware.
Through it all, the inability to “Unsee” Malignant Narcissism and Abuse, protects us from ever being manipulated and taken by these con men and women in the future. It also provides a Public Education Prevention Platform about Narcissistic Abuse that we can share with others to help them spot the warning signs and avert being suckered into the Narcissist’s Evil plot to use and destroy them.
Enjoy your clarity, knowledge, safety and freedom – and Congratulations for achieving your Phd in Narcissistic Abuse to be aware and to use your knowledge to steer clear of this abusive personality in the future and to help others do the same!
Ana – After Narcissistic Abuse
When the Narcissist wants something from you, they will tell you what you want to hear AND do what they need to do to get what they want. It is ALWAYS about THEIR needs!
So, is a Narcissist aware of their behavior and that what they are doing is wrong? Yes, and no. Some of their behaviors are so ingrained in their neural pathways that they’ve become habitual and they usually don’t give it much thought – BUT that doesn’t make it right OR they are unaware of what they do. But when a Narcissist is stalking prey and trying to get what he/she wants AND in the moment that Narcissist is aware of what they are doing. The Narcissist has perfected their game plan and attack and knows that they are misleading you, but they just don’t care.
We all understand that if we want ‘something’ to happen we must do ‘something’ to achieve the desired result and so does the Narcissist. If you look at the manipulative aspect of a Narcissist, YES they are aware that they are manipulating you, just part of the covert operation to seduce you in. So you must believe that when they want something from you, they will tell you what you want hear, or do what they need to do to get what they want, knowing full well that he/she is lying, betraying, as well as the Narcissist has absolutely no intention of delivering on any promises that they made WITHIN the manipulation process. The Narcissist wants ABSOLUTELY everything on THEIR terms and they don’t concern themselves with how you will feel about it OR anything about YOU. You are ONE of MANY opportunities that the Narcissist uses to get everything that they want – but they are seamless with the seduction to get you to give into whatever it is they want and make you think you are their ‘one and only!’
Think about the distorted behavior of a drug addict. They will lie, steal, cheat, and manipulate to get their next fix. They most certainly know what they are doing is wrong, but they don’t care, because THEY NEED THAT NEW FIX. This ‘not caring’ has been going on so long that every time they find themselves in a moral conundrum, it gets easier and easier to justify their behavior. All they concern themselves with is getting their next hit or fix, regardless of the consequences to anyone else. The Narcissist in an amazingly similar fashion does EXACTLY the same thing AND all the Narcissist concerns themselves with is obtaining their much-needed supply and this outweighs all other considerations.
Most people are guided by their healthy and good conscience and stable or good people govern their actions based on real feelings, healthy morals, compassion and the ability to put themselves in another person’s shoes. But what happens when you don’t have any type of moral compass, or when you lack empathy? When none of that is present what is left? To answer this question, you need to know exactly what you are dealing with and the level of their emotional impairment. With a Narcissist, you are dealing with an emotionally and psychologically abusive person that is dangerous to people and life in general!
All of us are able to rationalize and justify our actions to some degree, a Narcissist just does it on a grander and very delusional scale. Mainly because they are missing or completely void of integral emotional components that impairs their ability to consider the feelings of others. Because a Narcissist doesn’t consider how their actions will affect you, there isn’t really a right or wrong component included in their decision-making process. Since your feelings were never even a tiny consideration to him/her, and when the Narcissist hurts you they can easily absolve themselves of any wrong doing because hurting you wasn’t something they necessarily intended to do, it was just part of the collateral damage to get what they wanted. If you are hurt that is your fault. I remember my Narcissist’s mother saying to me one time that ‘so and so’ (my Narcissist) would lie when they were a child if they did something that would hurt somebody’s feelings, because the little Narcissist wanted to protect the feelings of others. No consideration of what the little Narcissist did that was very wrong that hurt the person (accountability,) but somehow there was goodness in lying to cover up the truth. I am sure my eyebrows were raised at the time! Now that the little Narcissist is all grown up and they do it on a magnanimous scale and destroy families. Trickledown effect?
The bottom line is, whether or not a Narcissist is aware their behavior is wrong is irrelevant as it concerns us. The question you should be asking yourself is, ‘Why am I still involved with a person who displays this destructive Narcissistic behavior?’ ‘What am I getting out of this,’ AND most importantly ‘when am I getting out of this?’ When these ‘what’s and when’s’ appear in our vocabulary it is usually too late because at that point we realize that we have lived in a horrible battle zone called emotional and psychological abuse and the damage is done.
The emotionally unavailable behavior of a Narcissists quite clearly points to the fact that this is a relationship that is totally one-sided. The façade to cover up the Narcissist’s delusional and harmful aspects describes the reality of the destruction and damage they impart onto their targets/victims. They blow hot and cold in their relationships, they’re self-centered, they have an entitlement mentality and they don’t take responsibility for any of their actions AT ALL. They have a difficulty forming attachment bonds with others and tend to have huge emotional walls built because of their disorder that doesn’t allow any real bonding to occur. They can’t even form a real bond with their biological children and can dump them just as easy as anybody else! The Narcissist will fight you tooth and nail to escape from being exposed even if this means completely destroying your integrity and leaving a family behind.
Narcissists have a weak and very fragile self-esteem so they completely depend on others for validation and their sense of self-worth. Narcissists need to feed off of the admiration and esteem of others, like people need oxygen to breath and water to drink. Without it they withdraw and spiral into a deep depression this is why they form their longer-term relationships to assure the availability of 24/7 supply. But they will sneak out and find more sources of supply when they have the opportunity to do so. This need makes them predator-like and willing to say and do whatever is necessary to obtain supply and to get what they want quickly and seamlessly.
When Narcissists do engage in long term relationships, the most prevalent thing that is missing is a sincere or REAL emotional bond. Many partners, targets/victims of Narcissists say that they never really could get close to them and therefore have never really known them at all. I for one NEVER really knew my Narcissist at all! Narcissists are not nostalgic about any one person, place, or thing. Nothing seems to hold any deep sentimental value or emotional attachment for them unless they are making up a story to get some sort of reaction. They compartmentalize everything and everyone as a source of supply, and can have many different supply sources going on at one time (different relationships.) Each source of supply gets their own personalized relationship with a Narcissist because they are so adept at shape shifting to fit exactly into a particular situation that benefits or serves them. They lie, manipulate, con and lack the ability to feel empathy or remorse so they do what they want without a conscience. They have poor impulse control and engage in high risk behavior all the time. Narcissists have a high sense of entitlement and a very smug demeanor of getting what they want and not caring. Their emotions are either nonexistent, or so far off the emotional chart that they don’t even resemble anything near the ‘real’ human connection.
So ask yourself what type of connection would you still want with a Narcissist? Do you want to be their savior and healer, or save yourself to be free again to love and heal from the damage inflicted onto and into you? Think about what you gave and what was given in return. Think about the dark roads this Narcissist travels to get their fix from life and other human beings. With my Narcissist, it was/is sex sites and a constant search for a fix with strangers betraying everybody and anybody, but then the next day this Narcissist will be preaching on a pulpit and hiding behind religion, morality, ethics, etc., and blaming and shaming people for what this Narcissist does and has done.
It is an awful perception and reality when you know you believed as you have been taught to believe in people (and love) and then find out that your mind was raped by one of these creatures AND they are out there raping someone else’s mind. Unfortunately, you have to push this aside so that you can recover from this abuse completely or live out your life with the regret of being abused by a Narcissist. You can’t save their next target/victim because they are imprisoned by the same manipulation and abuse that you were. You also have to accept the fact that you MUST protect yourself from this creature pulling you back into the abuse, because once you have wounded them they have a new game plan to destroy whatever they can as it concerns you to avoid exposure. This is their world and one we cannot share any part of, so please internalize this description and picture of what a Narcissist is and release yourself from any blame or shame and accept that they are disordered and not fully functioning human beings and unfortunately you fell into their trap. PLEASE go no/minimal contact and run for your life and never stop to turn around and look back! Forget about everything Narcissist and give yourself the self-compassion you need to heal and move forward! Greg
The Narcissist’s pawns! Why do Narcissists have close and dedicated friends that think the Narcissist is absolutely amazing? Understanding those minions or flying monkeys and understanding what role they play in protecting the Narcissist.
Minions and flying monkeys, the Narcissist’s ‘go to’ people when they need back up because they are about to be exposed! The Narcissist trains their minions to use as tools to fight alongside of them with their Smear Campaign!
It is just a fact that a Narcissist that has any role in your personal life is incapable of having a normal conversation yet alone a discussion with anyone who challenges or disagrees with their ideas. You really can’t have ANY conversation with a Narcissist without it SOMEHOW damaging their delicate ego! It doesn’t matter if a conversation is presented in a calm manner discussing any and all aspects of an issue as being beneficial to something meaningful or a larger picture. The Narcissist is a psycho bully that disallows individualism or independent thinking and always needs to be in control of their environment. Remember their world is all about them being PERFECT and in charge! It is also impossible to have an intellectual discussion with them in which ANY differing ideas are discussed in a back and forth manner. Their conversations are ALWAYS embellished with manipulative overtones to confuse, confound, disengage, accuse, trick, gain information, pass on information, etc., but it is ALWAYS part of their grand agenda to create and support their false identity. Seriously if we could tape a Narcissist’s mouth shut to prevent them from talking, this world would be a much safer and peaceful place to live in and I am not saying that to be funny – it is the real truth as it concerns these toxic bullies because they are destructive to GOOD people.
The Narcissist always defaults to their self-regulating and controlling mechanics that always involves pulling or seducing people into their lair and extracting information from them AND in turn using this information for whatever GAIN they desire or to USE against them! Be it the love bombing to harvest their main sources of supply, or people they use to prop up their hideous façade of saintliness. If that entails being charming, exciting, seducing, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it – just technique for the Narcissist! My point is that their manipulation is not only confined to a single person as in a relationship, but instead it is a complex network that includes their primary and secondary supply sources as well as their supportive adoring friends, family members, co-workers, etc., all of which are basically seduced into their roles! The Narcissist NEEDS this COMPLETE network to survive as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them closely. They need a network of people to support their ‘needy needs’ and we are ALL basically some form of supply, so this is a full-time job for them to control the world around them. BUT the key element is that they are always on the defensive and everybody is essentially an enemy or someone to use for support because their world is full of lies and holes as it concerns the reality they PRESENT to us! They are quite use to getting busted so they always have a plan so they can squirm out of whatever toxic thing they have done! The main point here is that underneath that CHARM is that HARM – and what that means is that they are purely toxic people that destroy lives period.
So, what is the Narcissist’s thought process behind this backstabbing and smear campaign? They exploit the listeners’ emotions and sentiments. They use them to justify their suppressed hate, fears or desires or projection. They make up a story plausible enough that listeners cannot verify the exact allegations, BUT the accusations they make are powerful and damaging, and they are meant to harm! It is a strong-arm defense to silence and using these minions to fight their battle!
In reality Narcissists are very easily wounded because they lack any and all internal mechanisms that would enable them to have balance in their world. So, a smear campaign is an attempt to malign someone’s character that is a threat to them. They will attack the target’s credibility and reputation based on lies, half-truths and malicious rumors. Narcissists distort situations with twisted conclusions, perceiving themselves as eternal victims to seduce listeners in with ‘woe-be-me stories to divide and conquer AND they are highly persuasive. So, persuasive in fact that they convince both themselves and others that their ‘woe be me’ stories, horrendous lies, backstabbing, and ‘smear campaign is true. It is all control.
In turn people ignore their very own conscience and intuition if the rumor is sufficiently shocking enough and it is going to be with a Narcissist. The smear campaign is such an offensive tactic that the Narcissist uses to malign, discredit, and reduce targets/victims to inferior damaged beings and stripping them of power by destroying their character to the people around them. This tactic also divides and conquers by pitting people against a supposed ‘foe’ that the Narcissist singles out. Targets are stuck between a rock and a hard place, right where the Narcissist wants them to be, damned if they defend themselves and damned if they don’t BUT basically isolated and defenseless.
This process is never accomplished solely by the Narcissist, though because the smear campaign requires a mob of minions or flying monkeys to carry and spread the distorted and destructive messages to finish the job that the Narcissist started. The Narcissist has their entourage of minions that they have charmed into believing that the Narcissist is a saint. The Narcissist can just sit back now and enjoy the lateral damage and show while the minions commit the atrocity that basically destroys the target/victim’s integrity. It is an insane attack that completely dehumanizes a good person for no earthly reason other than the Narcissist carrying out their abusive agenda so they can move on unscathed and unexposed.
Remember that a Narcissist is toxic to ALL people which includes where they work, any organization they belong to, or basically anywhere there are other people because they are everywhere. Often times the Narcissist may seem fully functional because they are employed and may be high up in the chain of command at their place of employment or just a worker bee. BUT they always maintain control of every environment they are in. Again, they are extremely manipulating and toxic psycho bullies that will immediately start their sneak attacks, by complaining to a boss or superior about other employees, triangulate, search for weaknesses in others to take advantage of, and basically create chaos to divide and conquer. They are very adept at their backstabbing by making everything seem more like a concern instead of a huge distorted lie and backstabbing to damage another person so they seem to always come up smelling like a rose.
AGAIN, this is not confined to where they work, but it includes any organization that they are a part of, their place of worship, clubs they belong to, charity organizations, events, and even THEIR family unit or basically anyplace where their presence is apparent. They are very adept at ALL of their abusive tactics as we all personally know. They can somehow twist personal or private information they know about anybody, and subtly say just enough to make it real to their listener and seem like they are ‘in the know’ about something that damages the target/victim. Basically, they use familiarity from knowing us and turn it against us. That familiarity is what brings credence to their twisted story and lies so nobody is ever the wiser to their sneaky tactics. You will NEVER see the person they are destroying present in any conversation to have an opportunity to speak out about the accusations against them, NO with a Narcissist it is always the cowardly approach to silently talk behind EVERYBODIES back, or back-stabbing! They will also triangulate by making YOU believe that somebody is doing the same to you – again part of the ‘divide and conquer’ technique they utilize.
A Narcissistic boss will gossip behind the scenes and try to rally others against the person who dared to offer a different opinion and the boss will make it seem like a concerned comradery rather than undermining somebody’s integrity. Likewise, a Narcissist in a love relationship will also talk behind their partner’s back to other family members with the same shrewd tactics to belittle, cause trouble and whatever other damage they can. AGAIN, they will use whatever familiarity they have through knowing you as an open door to be ‘in the know’ about personal and private situations you have shared with them in confidence to make a connection with people you know that will poison YOUR relationship with these people! That old saying that familiarity breeds contempt is so true in a Narcissist’s world!
So, with the Narcissist it basically amounts to either literally charming the pants off of somebody, pulling somebody in as supply, backstabbing, triangulation or something that is always deceptive and devious on the Narcissist’s part to build up their minions and support. There is never a genuine conversation with them, everything must serve them somehow. Basically, as they are talking to you they are also gathering whatever information they can concerning you, something about you, or someone that you are innocently talking about with them. Nothing is sacred with them and you can bet that they will use that information and even distort it if it serves them in some way and throw you under the train in doing so – when nobody is looking of course! They are calculating and toxic and again we never realize this until they run off like the cowards they are and the damage they leave behind has devastated your integrity to say the least.
So back to basics! What is the one thing a Narcissist does not want other people to know? The truth about them. More specifically, Narcissists do not want the truth that they are insecure, malicious, and devious people with a toxic and abusive agenda. Beyond being embarrassed by the truth of their behaviors and thoughts, they have a deathly fear of being exposed and REJECTED for who and what they really are. This is in large part because they always use lies, manipulations, and distortions to control other people and get what they want. If people were to know about their true nature, they would want nothing to do with the Narcissist. The Narcissist is very aware of this and that is why they HAVE to build up their defenses as well as lie. Remember a Narcissist LIES to cover up their negative and abusive ways so they are cognizant or know that they have done something wrong, harmful, or destructive to the person they are targeting to avoid exposure. Let’s just say they are always prepared for the inevitable. Similarly, with the bigger picture in mind their whole grand façade is just part of their defensive pretense that they MUST protect.
So, these minions and co-conspirators are only extensions of the Narcissist AND the Narcissist’s abusive methodology. A Narcissist uses every opportunity to feign attention to themselves as well as secure their little toxic playmates to be there right alongside of them when they decide to wage their battles. Their world is so distorted and toxic. They live in pure denial of their sickness. They mean to hurt and destroy people, family, organizations or essentially anything that they participate in. Backstabbing, smearing, triangulation and lying are their tools to create chaos and to damage and silence people. All of this of course falls under ‘no/minimal contact’ because the only way to shut this monster out is to completely remove yourself from any attachment, especially your emotional ties with them. Yes, we loved a monster! The Narcissist’s smear campaign is their way of hatefully acknowledging OUR denying them their fake reality. The only viable solution is moving on and away from them with no/minimal contact! Greg
The many steps that a Narcissist uses to manage you down – call it their mode of operation or modus operandi!
I am going to try to get into the head of the Narcissist in order for you to make sense of the distorted reality of what is REALLY going on in there. It is always dangerous and against our best interests to attempt to understand their darkness – so remember to heed my advice and never try to do it.
Narcissists ALWAYS tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions. In turn they will accuse and blame others to divert attention away from themselves and the real truth.
A Narcissist will refuse to accept the perspective of any human being but they will irrationally defend their own distorted/delusional position and lies as well as force you into accepting them as reality and the end result is that you discard or dump YOUR normal and healthy reality. Narcissists always make people feel that they HAVE to please or basically serve them.
They shrewdly access and withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing because it gives them the ability to control and manipulate future events. A Narcissist will slowly but surely erode their target/victim’s reality, self-esteem and spirit! Narcissists completely avoid and NEVER acknowledge the feelings of others, yet they will often bring up how their emotions (loosely using that word here) are being effected and how WE don’t respect or honor their needs. They are eternal victims and NOTHING you do is worthy of meeting their needs. “We JUST don’t love them enough,” OR SO THEY TELL US!
They will slight a target/victim or perhaps make them accept personal digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the Narcissist to say they were just kidding while still being abusive and hurting the target/victim.
Narcissists will completely change the subject to divert attention back onto themselves. You could be talking to them about a serious matter and it will be dismissed in moments so the Narcissist has all the attention right back where they feel it belongs – ON THEM. If they want to raise it up a notch, they will aggressively BULLY you with shouting, dismiss you, and walk away. You never feel that anything about you is important enough for consideration by the Narcissist and you are right! Remember it is ALL about them.
Narcissists make others feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the miserable level of the Narcissist. They always threaten or hint of some form of punishment that they will inflict if YOU don’t do exactly what they are asking, or accept what they are saying. THEN of course they will reinforce this with blame as if you did something that deserves their actions and disdain. They will even dismiss you completely and silence you to drive their point home. YOU CAN NEVER MEET ANY OF THEIR EXPECTATIONS!
They will be cold, quiet, and distant, then deny that anything is wrong, but it feels as if they ARE angry or perhaps we have done something wrong and you are left wondering. Unfortunately, you can’t access what it is so you will have no sense of what is going on to help you feel at ease with them. On the flip side there will be inappropriate emotional outbursts to also distract attention, confusing their targets/victims and shifting blame for something you AGAIN have no real sense of. You are ALWAYS left feeling like you are walking on those infamous eggshells with them or always confused and feeling conflicted as to a cohesive reality with them! Confusion through diversion equals CONTROL!
Narcissists ALWAYS try to control others to domineer and limit freedom of expression/speech or individuality. Again controlling the environment around them with confusion, chaos, bullying and negativity. They are ALWAYS instilling fear or retaliatory punishment for anyone that doesn’t comply with their EVERY wish. They will also deny you ANY recognition or success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling you out or basically placing you in the category of a loser and not worthy of proper recognition. Their word is the FINAL word always! A target/victim could have accomplished something so worthy of recognition and the Narcissist will never respond with a supportive word or a congratulation, instead they will minimalize the entire accomplishment OR even find fault in it. They will put a handle on any positive situation to make you doubt your achievement of success. They continually manage people DOWN! You will always misplace or lose your reality with them
Narcissists always forget commitments and promises purposely because there was nothing real behind their words in the first place – just more of their manipulation to keep you believing. They will even deny that they promised to do something to try to make you believe you are imagining things. They will build you up to bring you down.
Narcissists will take advantage of any vulnerability using shame, guilt, and fear to make a target feel worthless by highlighting or embellishing the simple insecurities they may have. This could even be done in a manner where the Narcissist will make fun of the target/victim’s physical attributes in a cruel overt manner.
A Narcissist’s actions, promises or reality in every situation are totally out of alignment. They ALWAYS say one thing and do another. For example, they preach morality BUT they have no morals and act on their impulses regularly. They may PRETEND to follow a religious doctrine and praise themselves for religious values but actually possess NONE of these values whatsoever. In actuality they ARE the very sinners that they are denouncing, preaching about, and pointing fingers at. They will condemn YOU for the very things they are doing and always leaving you with your jaw dropping to the ground wondering what they are accusing you of and why they are doing it. The Narcissist I dealt with was/is infamous for this!
Narcissists are only nice when all other options have been removed or when they feel they are trapped into a corner or up against a wall. This is usually when the truth is so evident that they have no other option available to them. There is no remorse for what they have done, they are just trying to wriggle out of being exposed for whatever they have done AND what they are. They also want to keep you trapped in the abuse so they can keep extorting what they can or achieving supply with their insincere apology and patronizing gestures.
In time, they will replace you once you have actually caught onto their lies and agenda, BUT of course you are to BLAME for their actions! You are the disordered one and you have abused THEM and they are “running for their lives” (a favorite and OVER used quote of my Narcissist.) That is really a distorted lie and excuse that they have moved onto a new source, but they are going to keep you locked up in confusion, lies, and abuse surrounding their departure for as long as they can. They will even actually PULL you back into the abuse making you think that there is a possibility of reconciliation. It is just a way for them to achieve more chaos to disable you as much as they can as well as implicate you as being obsessed when THEY are the ones that initiate contact to use against you. Keeping you vulnerable also keeps their abuse hidden from the world as well as keep control over you from a distance.
When they are having a conversation, be it one on one or even in a group setting, they will completely cut someone off as if they are not allowed to speak. Narcissists suppress self-expression and individuality to support their omnipotence and power over others by controlling everyone in their world. Basically they eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves to feel superior and omnipotent! It shores up their false identity and makes them feel so worthy when it is all based on lies and distortion, BUT THEY JUST DON’T SEE IT AS THIS! They are delusional and self-affirming to support their needy needs.
Narcissists will ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses. They push everyone’s buttons. They will even go as far as humiliating people in public situations to show their superiority. They are psycho bullies. By pushing buttons and highlighting a person’s sensitivity they gain power and evoke fear in the target/victim of choice. They ACTIVATE a person’s insecurities to gain power and superiority over them.
Through their vast arsenal of tools to manipulate a Narcissist will pretend to understand a person’s concerns, but then they will blatantly break every boundary and step all over those concerns and basically violate them and you! If they CAN’T control a person they will slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of this person. Narcissists RUIN people’s lives.
Narcissists will always attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They won’t believe they make mistakes and they have no ability to feel or process or truly understand shame.
ALWAYS remember that lies and deceit are a natural part of the Narcissist’s world. The old saying, “the best liars lie to themselves first” really applies to Narcissists as well as “the lie often repeated is far more convincing” and they repeat their lies many times over! A Narcissist has the amazing ability to believe their own lies even when they fly in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. You HAVE to take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. A friend of mine always said to me “if they are breathing they are lying” and it is the truth!
LASTLY! Don’t allow yourself to ride on this emotional roller coaster through hell because it is never ending with a Narcissist even for a good while after they are gone! So then heed this warning and live by it – once you are discarded, leave, or are out of the relationship the Narcissist doesn’t need you anymore as supply so LET THEM GO. It is more than likely (pretty much a guarantee) you were emotionally and physically replaced long before the separation or discard AND they are out to destroy your integrity AND you to avoid exposure. Stay away from them because they are in their protection mode and have bombs waiting to explode in your life should you attempt to undermine them in any way.
Everything I outlined here is taken directly from my experience with the Narcissist I knew. Unfortunately, I was blinded by the manipulation, constant lies, and brainwashing, but NEVER again. I ‘believed’ and never saw the train wreck in front of me. Was I a damaged person? No not in the normal reality of the behavioral sciences as in having a mental illness or a personality disorder but I became the byproduct of the disabling abuse by being in the company of a highly dysfunctional and disordered person. I have insecurities, I have wounds, I may trust a little too much, I get angry, etc. – BUT, I am a good person that respects people. I give and love unconditionally and I know when enough is enough. I get hurt but I don’t destroy and punish people because of this, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and ALLOW them the opportunity to talk and work through things. THAT is having empathy, that is creating a viable relationship with give and take, that is being unconditional and trying to give the benefit of the doubt to a person you care about. What I just described is giving of yourself and this is what bonding with another person SHOULD be – unfortunately with a Narcissist it is all TAKE and no give! This is the IMPORTANT lesson we must take from the abuse – WE ARE THE NORMAL AND AMAZING PERSON HERE that was severely manipulated and that has disabled much of our core-being, psyche, heart, mind, and soul. No/minimal contact. Greg