Category Archives: Narcissism
If you are not completely accepting of a Narcissist, if you do not show complete admiration, if you are not a perfect mirror to the Narcissist, you are branded as bad and will be devalued as is the fate of every person that has had any sort of relationship with them – It’s simply the Narcissist’s way of viewing the world and their omnipotent role in it.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
If you have been in a relationship with a Narcissist, idealized and later devalued and discarded, you were more than likely shocked or even blown away at the turnaround or ‘about face’ concerning your Narcissist’s relationship with you. One day you wake up and this Narcissist hates you and is acting out against you, smearing your good name and destroying your integrity to everyone and ultimately trying to ruin your valuable relationships with friends, family as well as your co-workers and career. WITHOUT A DOUBT, this was inevitable with a Narcissist. You did nothing wrong to cause that change and the demise of the relationship you had with them. If you’re not 100% on their page, if you are not completely accepting of them, if you do not show complete admiration, if you are not a perfect mirror to the Narcissist, you are branded as bad and will be devalued as is the fate of every person that has had any sort of relationship with a Narcissist. It’s simply the Narcissist’s way of viewing the world. KEEP IN MIND that you are not dealing with a fully functioning human being that has any empathy for life, or any semblance of morality, or the ability to tell the truth AND you must completely accept their disordered life of lies, and your eventual demise. It is the Narcissist that is bad to the bone and it is as if they ritualistically project their negative and abusive life onto every person that loves them. This includes family and even their own biological children. We have to come to terms that they are pathological liars, psychological terrorists and abusers that destroy lives. With that in mind we have to understand that they are dangerous to our lives as well. This is not a judgment call this is a viable description of what they are or the truth!
Narcissists are everywhere in this world, and wherever they are there is chaos, crazy making, high drama, destroyed relationships, betrayal, lies, and destruction. The average/normal person is aware that something is wrong with the Narcissist but they are confused and unable to recognize or define the situation as the mental health issue it is, or more specifically a personality disorder. They may be working next to you, a neighbor, a friend, family member, a doctor, or in any other number of scenarios.
Narcissists are self-serving chameleons that “shape shift” into whatever they need or want to be to serve a specific agenda they have. They do not have genuinely ordered or consistent thoughts, concerns, or ANY moral codes, it is all centered on their needs. Morality is relative to their desires at any given moment and they act on all of them. In plain English, they are extortionists and use people by manipulating them to get what they can. They have an uncanny ability to seduce to the point of ‘brainwashing’ others. They are also hypocrites in that they pass judgment on others as well as call them out for negative behaviors, when in fact the Narcissist is overtly guilty of these BEHAVIORS and WORSE! All part of the HUGE mask the Narcissist wears to hide the many monsters behind it.
This chameleon nature is a façade or their “mask” that allows them to get by or pass as normal in public, but they are cruel, nasty dictators, terrorists, and abusers in their private lives. They often have incredibly dysfunctional and damaged family lives and it is not uncommon for them to have multiple relationships or ‘past’ partners (that they still use as “extra” supply on the side), or ex’s that they harass and stalk relentlessly. Most have a long pattern of cheating on their partners. They are toxic individuals pure and simple and THEY NEVER CHANGE.
The Narcissist continually ‘back stabs’ people throughout their disordered life. To them it is control and power over others. They will consistently demonstrate their power with back-handed and insulting behavior toward others. They will utilize behaviors like talking people down, or making them the brunt of a rude and demeaning joke, making fun of them, totally ignoring or silencing them, being late for important events, simply not attending or walking out of events, avoiding being a team player at all costs, refusing to consult or ask for help and just acting out ON THEIR OWN SELF ACCLAIMED AUTHORITY. There are absolutely NO RULES that they follow, so there is never accountability either because they simply displace it onto us through blame and shame because the Narcissist is the eternal victim of life.
There is no having a real relationship with a Narcissist, you may be in what you believe is a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you – you are only Narcissistic supply. You are only in their life to make them look good or because you are useful to the Narcissist as an object to satisfy a need. Nothing is ever internalized with a Narcissist like emotional bonds, caring, love or EMPATHY. Their world is totally external and everyone is objectified like a shiny new car that the Narcissist drives/wears to make them look however special they feel they need to be. Their image is a fake aspect of their chameleon like nature and it constantly changes just like the chameleon changes its colors to blend into an environment.
The Narcissist constantly violates and steps on everyone’s boundaries albeit physical, emotional, and mental. They follow no rules in life, or respect human dignity/rights, or adhere to any written laws. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or take/steal anything that belongs to others. Ownership is their birthright or so they feel because they are above the normal order of life. They will violate your standing with figures of authority in an effort to cause trouble/destruction or just to “one up” you and they do it in a cowardly manner and BEHIND your back. They are truly extortionists and they take everything and anything they can get their hands on and they do it with such amazing charm. BUT remember this chameleon camouflages itself with CHARM so they get away with virtual murder because they have been doing this all of their lives and they are just that good at it. The people that know the truth about them are mostly their targets/victims and anyone else that falls for them become their minions at some useful level that are also charmed into believing just how special they are. They protect the Narcissist’s lies and disordered life and they are enablers of their abuse. There is only one solution if you know a Narcissist at any level – get as far away from them as you can because everyone will become a target of their abuse and dysfunction. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
Let’s talk about the everyday Narcissist that we may have to deal with on a day to day basis outside of our home or relationship – they are everywhere AND they are destructive!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
So, what a Narcissist puts into motion is pathologically treating us like dirt and maligning us (or ALL people) behind our backs to control and eventually harm us in the process. That is seriously just WRONG and distorted beyond any words I can convey. They are predators that are pre-loaded with delusion, psychopathy, and abuse. This seriously puts Narcissists in their own special class with Psychopaths or like a branch from the same Psychopath tree. The class of people who don’t wish you, me, or any other human being any sense of well-being, no matter how friendly, caring or loving you are. This is the same class of predators as physical, sexual or ANY other kind of abusive predator and Narcissists are just as dangerous. Seriously we MUST internalize that Narcissists really are predators and dangerous, but many people just don’t appreciate the true meaning or the reality of Narcissistic abuse basically letting it in one ear and out the other as the saying goes!
Some simple logic! A Narcissist isn’t acting on any singular ‘normal’ human premise and all the Narcissist is doing is playing (manipulating) people for the reaction he/she wants – to control you because they WANT SOMETHING. The truth is irrelevant to a Narcissist because they don’t even know what ‘truth’ is. Truth or lies, it’s all irrelevant to the Narcissist, so whatever works for them and that is usually lies. They are connecting with us for ONE reason only ‘objectification” and we are there to serve them as Narcissistic Supply and that is it. Why do they create the huge production with the entire ‘charm’ factor? To gain our trust first, and then in turn we speak highly of them in the beginning and that reinforces their con job of a life to the masses. We are none the wiser, PLUS they gain access to attack us using our trust and vulnerabilities to drive the psychological abuse straight to our minds to disable us. Be it back stabbing, triangulating, and smearing our good name or whatever they decide to do to get us! But don’t forget we were singing their praises at first and they were destroying our integrity behind our backs. So when you start telling the truth more than likely you will hear, “I thought you were great friends, co-workers, (or whatever causal relationship you had with them), but you are reminded that you were talking how great he/she was”. We are damned if we do, or damned if we don’t!
So, to support this let’s just say it would be more correct to say that there is no such thing as truth to a Narcissist, because there is no such thing as truth when you are playing pretend with the world and everybody in it. Kids do this but there is an innocence in their make-believe world. A Narcissist creates delusional ‘make believe worlds’ and there is NO innocence whatsoever to the reason why they do it. This is why Narcissists and psychopaths beat lie detector tests! Narcissists and psychopaths are known to get so good at manipulating people that by the time they are teenagers or young adults, they routinely fool and manipulate family, mental healthcare professionals, teachers, law enforcement, judges, social workers OR you name it and they can fool them. Really builds up a strong case as to just how destructive these critters are in our world!
It isn’t a matter of their intelligence by any means it is a matter of practice and experience – and they have a lifetime of this experience. You CAN’T always trust an institution or organization to filter out the personality disordered Narcissists either because they are just that good at getting behind a job that makes them seem to be goodness personified and they will use this guise to abuse at the worksite also.
Narcissists are expert at tearing down whoever is above them on the ladder of success in their choice of fields or careers. That’s what Narcissists do nonstop all their lives, or ‘one up’ whomever they can because that is what is at the core of their disorder and they have to feel superior to everyone. They get very good at it too, because this aspect of their personality disorder is part of an agenda that benefit them. In fact, they get so good at climbing over those they throw down that they come out smelling like a rose, because nobody even knows that the Narcissist instigated the talk that destroyed their person of choice. BUT they are not always as smart as they believe they are and eventually you do come to find out the truth. Narcissists have no boundaries about exploiting and tearing down their ‘betters’, because they have no empathy, and no conscience. It is just everyday life to a Narcissist.
This is also true if they are an administrator or in charge of an organization. They live for and enjoy the chaos or what they think is “getting tough” with their subordinates and firing them. They love doing that, because that’s what Narcissists do, vaunt themselves on others by bullying whomever they can and sometimes it is with a smile – they love or better yet crave control and power. It can actually be observed as an asset by some, because it makes them look like good “tough” managers of personnel. Often times you will hear a Narcissist praise themselves with phrases like, “people don’t like me because I speak my peace!” No people don’t like them because they speak with their lies – but a Narcissist re-writes everything to suit their distorted vision of themselves – they feel omnipotent.
Narcissists are shameless but subtle self-promoters, experts at carving out the perfect (false) image for themselves. In fact, they see no reason to work for credits or credentials, so they just fake it whenever possible or cheat their way through life. They may do this with fake credentials, cheating their way through college or even buy a fake degree. On the job, they steal the credit that belongs to others constantly!
So, then what is the kiss of death to a predator like the Narcissist, EXPOSURE because it’s like a repellant that warns people or exposes the truth about them? So with this in mind a Narcissist lives in constant fear of people finding out that they are a wolf behind sheep’s clothing, or that they just use people, or they want to take away or extort everything that you have that they don’t have, and that they will vandalize your integrity and good image to improve their own. They will sabotage you in an effort to virtually destroy you or something you have done and they don’t even flinch at the idea of how they have lied to accomplish this – they just try to hide in the shadows thinking they are all the wiser for getting away with their attempt to smear the integrity of someone they are envious about. Oh – you are probably guilty of doing some infraction to them – quite possibly you simply disagreed with them and that was enough for them to try to annihilate you, your work, your project OR your life. They also live in constant fear of ANYBODY learning the shocking truth about their past exploits, or the many other people they have intentionally destroyed. They also live in constant fear of people discovering, what they do in their immoral and dysfunctional world. They are really all around us – you have experienced them as well as I have too. Given enough rope they do eventually hang themselves – but seriously they will slip out of the noose and lie even more. Remember no matter what capacity a Narcissist resides in your life, they are dangerous to your well-being – they take anybody and everybody from Charm to Harm! The only solution is to cut ALL ties with them with no/minimal contact! Greg
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
With emotional and psychological battering/abuse victims are entrapped by extreme manipulative and psychological persuasion over a lengthy period of time. What was the nature of our perpetrator when we met them? Did they have us at gunpoint forcing us into this psychological terrorism or did they offer us something so very familiar, normal, trustworthy and welcoming called LOVE? Yes, they manipulated us with something familiar and so believable that ANY person would fall for the fake charm and love bombing – if that doesn’t define a predator I don’t know what does! I have met very many wonderful friends from all over the world since I started writing about this abuse that I interact with daily. They are some of the strongest people I have ever encountered. There isn’t anything about them that shouts out to me that they allowed their abuse! They are full of love, empathy and high functioning individuals! Abuse is not your fault it is situational!
Well let’s go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let’s define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced and unhealthy and basically not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or they are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us – the label doesn’t matter BUT the truth and education DOES. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims. The key words that describes the whole cycle of abuse is love-bombing, devaluation, discard and I always add DESTROY! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled and that is what we have to fix – not the relationship, justify it or the Narcissist – recovery is about us!
The journey to recovery is now a process because we were unconsciously living and dealing with all the destructive messages we internalized and validated as our reality. We must seek out education about this abuse and the truth about our situation as a key to unlock the door to our recovery. Yes those messages are going to be in our head for a good while BUT we have to create a healthy balance and desensitize them. What this means is that we have to move into a place where it is possible for us to recognize that a person HAS betrayed us in a manner to control us through mental abuse. We have to think about it in terms to validate the truth of the situation, but not to try to dissect the Narcissist and put our energy into trying to get into their heads. We spent a great deal of time trying to fix or basically heal them and we gave away too much of ourselves. Turn this around and accept the truth that they are completely disordered and put that healing power back into yourself.
The recovery process is so multi-dimensional that it means that there are really no simple answers to the question “how do I stop the pain and what do I do to move forward with my recovery?” There are answers that we need to have in the beginning of our recovery but they are basically concerning the educational process and a tried and true direction so we are ‘in the know’ about this disorder and can get our ‘ah ha’ moment and move forward.
The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure – UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation. They ran off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. That would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along.
Seriously I had to shut my Narcissist down with complete no-contact or go insane listening to the craziness! It was crystal clear what I was dealing with and I shut it down completely. I would still be receiving emails and text messages to this day if I didn’t. It was like a party to this Narcissist being able to have free range ‘raging’ at me, making fun of me, telling me sick and perverted stories of their crazy sex life, and projecting every horrendous thing this Narcissist did ‘onto and into’ me. That was enough for me to actualize just how dysfunctional this person was/is. Seeing and hearing them when their mask is off is frightening and eye opening. It was like projectile lies and ‘crazy making’ being shot at me from everywhere.
It is important for all of us to be validated as it concerns this abuse but that validation has to come from ourselves because a Narcissist is NEVER going to allow themselves to be exposed as an abuser. In fact that Narcissist is STILL abusing AFTER THE FACT through a vicious smear campaign using every piece of personal information they have learned about you against you. This is just more of their devaluation and when they abandon you they mean to leave no trace of your reality in tact!
The Narcissist has manipulated and managed us down to the point of not trusting OUR own feelings and perceptions. Over the years, we internalized this twisted and distorted relationship and bent our own emotions in an effort to fix the relationship we THOUGHT we had. We can’t buy into those distortions and recover. That process is still running through our heads even though they have physically parted from our lives and we MUST shut this down. It was a horrendous roller coaster ride to keep us in a state of confusion and fear with so many ups and downs with no end to the ride and now it is time to jump off. YES, we believed it was love, but it was a desperate love that cost us a great deal – the truth is right there in those words!
As hard as it may seem for us to purge all of the abuse out of us, it CAN be done. We were normal and psychologically sound people pre-Narcissist and we can get back to what and who we once were. It does require deep introspection and setting up new and strong boundaries in our life and even taking a look at our part in any of this. There are many theories out there and they all have their purpose, but it has to begin with us. Get healthy first by breaking completely away from the emotional tie or that bond that only you formed with the lie from the Narcissist. This can be done with minimal contact as well (when there are divorce proceedings or biological children) – BUT everything that ties you to a Narcissist has to be BUSINESS only because they abuse and want to always have that control over you to drag you back in – DON’T let them.
You HAVE the ability to change if you deprogram the messages that have been imprinted on your mind but only if you ALLOW yourself to be your OWN motivator in this process. Just say ‘NO’ to the Narcissist. Remember the old drug campaign that showed an egg as describing your ‘healthy’ brain, and then it showed that same egg in a frying pan stating this is your brain on drugs (the fried egg.) Well just switch that around to the fired egg being your brain after being with a Narcissist. Please understand no/minimal contact and start of your road to recovery, it is imperative to moving on! Greg
The Narcissist’s world lacks any and all principle, thus the constant inconsistency of morals and anything and everything else that goes on in their world – NO MATTER WHAT THE COST IS TO ANYBODY. There is no one functioning basis of reality only entitlement to whatever they want AND the premise of whatever serves them!
Often, we hear that a Narcissist just does not care and THAT becomes such a confusing point of contention with us! Just what does that mean – how can another person possess such a void that they have absolutely no ability to care for another human being? Well it means that a Narcissist does not have the internal and normal functioning mechanisms required to PROHIBIT them from feeling the reality of the harm that they cause to the people that love them. Their whole being is a working mechanism (or a façade) and it lacks all empathy, emotion and the ability to bond with other human beings. WE on the other hand can logically differentiate what caring is as well as what hurt feels like because we do possess empathy, emotion, and the ability to bond and love. A Narcissist just cannot understand this and they wonder what goes on in our mind and why we make such a fuss about their lifeless emotions – they don’t know what we know, or feel what we feel – if you don’t know it you can’t feel it. You can logically understand that a Narcissist does not possess the ability to care but you cannot understand or put yourself in the position to actually feel what it is like to be totally void of that ability to care so you CANNOT wrap your head around it at all. Your normal emotions will ALWAYS trump any understanding that a person could be so void of life, emotions, care, and love. We CANNOT know what makes a Narcissist tick – but we can believe from our experience with them that it is a non-functioning and destructive relationship. We MUST get out of TRYING to understand a Narcissist and just accept the truth around the fact they are disordered, and dangerous to our well-being. You cannot fix them, heal them, get back at them, or expect them to come to your aid in any other manner than with more manipulation and abuse – there is no closure that exists within the Narcissist as far as it concerns getting any sort of validation of the destruction and pain they caused to your life. You NEED to totally understand this to move on and recover – you need to do this so you concentrate on yourself and healing to move forward!
The Narcissist’s world lacks any and all principle, thus the constant inconsistency of morals and anything and everything else that goes on in their world – NO MATTER WHAT THE COST IS TO ANYBODY. There is no one functioning basis of reality! The only standards a Narcissists has are DOUBLE standards – none of which are ever consistent from one situation to the next. Narcissists are NOT consistent and they despise anyone that is consistent with their ethics, goodness, life, etc., because it exposes the Narcissist’s inconsistency and a constant reminder of their own self-deception. Like garlic to a vampire – they will hiss at it, try to destroy it, and run off into the darkness.
I can’t emphasize enough just how much we underestimate the truth/reality of the destructive pathological Narcissist who operates behind a façade of FAUX respectability and altruism. They are abusive to people, families, organizations, and life in general. The pathological Narcissist is a long-term plotter, like one of those brilliant chess players who can see the whole board and then plans ten or more moves ahead. It is almost impossible for anyone to uncover the complex and multi-layered schemes of such a person unless you are entirely aware of the depths of their level of intelligence used to manipulate and hide their disordered self – THEY ARE ALWAYS MANY STEPS AHEAD OF THE GAME. So to know one requires knowledge we don’t have OR could never understand if we did possess it, and even if we did unlock all of the truth we couldn’t fix them or even relate – so basically we are always left wide open to being perpetually deceived. That is just how good they are at this game to get their supply AND get away with it. We are ALL targets and objects of this abuse and it is never singular in nature because it destroys whole families, organizations, businesses, etc., and they have the right camouflage to hide among us and to protect themselves from being exposed. They are basically predators after prey and the chaos they inflict annihilates anybody that crosses their path. When we accept that and close the book to the emotions or whatever binds us to them, then we can accept the real and ugly truth and start to move on!
Lastly the awareness that others may have is a constant source of anxiety for the Narcissist and thus a huge need to constantly control their immediate world. The Narcissist is also aware of the limitations surrounding their façade of lies BUT only through the reactions from the people they abuse. When people talk with one another, they begin to acquire a much larger perspective of things and they begin to see a bigger picture of the Narcissist. The pathological Narcissist CAN’T afford to have people talking amongst themselves and sharing stories because it will expose them and destroy their façade. So, he/she will go to great lengths and carefully produce very devious and underhanded schemes to keep people divided. The Narcissist will create division among colleagues by planting lies about one person to another, and another about someone else. This can be a successful strategy because no one expects a highly intelligent adult to be carrying on like a scheming child or an emotionally disturbed adolescent. Since most people are unaware that they are truly dealing with a’ terroristic gossiper’ like a scheming Narcissist that is triangulating and maligning a target – it is much easier to believe the liar (Narcissist). This is the Narcissist’s damage control to protect their abusive agenda and keep an endless “SUPPLY.”
Again, WE MUST understand that this abuse is intentional and as much as it was such a personal part of us, it was purely the act of an emotionally and psychologically UNBALANCED and deviant human being. It seems insurmountable to try to erase what was reality to us as nothing more than a Narcissist sourcing us out to provide themselves with what they only needed to survive. Why do they go through such lengths to do this and why also destroy good people? Well I would say because it works for them, it gives them power to control us and maintain their constant supply from us. What other reason would motivate a person to act in this manner if it wasn’t tied to an agenda? Yes, it is how they are wired, no empathy, no emotions, and they CAN’T love that is why this is labeled a personality disorder. But why do they destroy and damage good and unsuspecting people when it is bad enough that they extort them of their lives and love, yet alone have a knife to their back ready to destroy them at any given moment? WHY if they are getting what they so desperately need do they destroy a good thing then? BECAUSE they are not a fully functioning human being and cannot act on the same normal human premise to bond, care for, or love other human beings! So basically, they are psycho bullies, emotional manipulators, users and abusers as well as destructive and dangerous so never stay a moment longer with them once you know the truth. Your sanity has been pushed to the point that you are so vulnerable and basically functioning after the time you have spent with this person. Is it worth that to try to stay a moment longer and for what – to lose your sanity? Their truth is hidden behind so many lies, so if they can lie so easily to themselves to protect their damaged self they will most assuredly lie to us and about us to keep their dirty secrets hidden and take us down first! NO/MINIMAL CONTACT! Greg
A Narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche ALSO penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques and brain-washing us every step of the way to BELIEVE in them so they can in turn manage us down and control us to ‘get’ supply. Unpacking and understanding more about how we bonded to them.
Human beings are NOT objects or instruments to be used – and to be regarded as such is dehumanizing to say the least. Narcissists devalue people and reduce them to mere objects that have one purpose which is to fulfil their every need, so their world is black and white and so are we as far as it concerns our primary role with them. This is why Narcissists easily lose interest in us because we are not a deserving, independent thinking and functioning human being in their mind but instead another object to use and then once we cease to serve them in their pursuit of supply they lose interest and find another object. No care or fuss and muss as far as finding someone else to replace us! Remember we were their DAILY or 24/7 source of supply if we were in a personal relationship with them and there were many ‘on the side’ sources to supplement the Narcissist’s vast and bottomless pit of neediness. Narcissists are not prejudice in the least bit when it comes to their needs, they will take it from whomever or whatever walks past them if they have the opportunity. There is never a commitment to any one source nor any care or concern of what harm they cause to ANYONE.
BUT many spouses, friends, family members, partners, truly BELIEVE that given sufficient time and patience they will be the one to ‘fix’ them. We were probably not aware there was a clinical name and this is a disorder so instead we viewed them as being troubled. Because we loved them and they loved us for sure (or so we were tricked into believing), it is our job and responsibility to be unconditional and bend our empathy to protect our loved one! We can’t “rescue” the Narcissist, and shield them from their disordered self. The Narcissist makes use of our naïve aspect to keep us there for them, so within that thought we have been supporting them in a distorted way. They take us as a captive prisoner through a strong emotional bonding that would render the Narcissist’s exploitive acts to his/her benefit. Our real or natural, protective, and healthy mechanisms are twisted, used, and abused by the Narcissist to achieve their agenda and THAAT IS ALL! There were the fake apologies but it always shifted back to the disabling blame and shame as if we were the source of the problem and needed to work on ourselves. They even used us to project their disabled and bad parts onto and into us. What a distorted love we bought into.
So, the truth or the crash course to understanding our role. The Narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche and also penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques – brain-washing us every step of the way to BELIEVE in them so they can in turn manage us down and control us to ‘get’ supply. They are seriously like a virus that establishes itself within its victims. Their words and manipulative actions echo through our psyche and mind, slowly but surely disabling every aspect of our reality, disabling us with the sole intent to control and extort us. AMEN! This is not bashing a Narcissist – it is the truth we NEED to comprehend so that we can accept the truth and allow it to heal us!
Recovery is a process that demands that we separate ourselves from the Narcissist that is alive and living inside of us as the result of living or being with that Narcissist. The Narcissist has crippled you (us) and assigned us a role as they do to every target/victim. We HAD to develop coping mechanisms with him/her. EVERY day we were forced (controlled) to “walk on eggshells” and develop our own ‘false self’ to support their every need by giving up our individuality. It is nothing even comparable to BEING a Narcissist it is just defining what we become and that is Narcissistic supply and at a huge loss. It is a direct result of the elaborate arsenal of tools that the Narcissist uses and the result of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you (us) by the Narcissist. It is a great price to pay for what we believed was love – and even THAT was a huge manipulation so the Narcissist could access our mind through our heart.
Now I have clarity about this abuse as well as the Narcissist that abused me. It is like being on a merry-go-round, but one that you can’t get off of and it just goes faster and faster until you are left there alone, frozen and spinning around with no sense of anything but the senseless motion you are in. I DO NOT understand why I endured as long as I did with this Narcissist except that I WAS managed down and a captive person of psychological abuse that put me there. Was I a willing participant that wanted to be abused – NO! Was I put into a position to believe that this creature loved me – YES! Was I the recipient of subtle and demeaning brain-washing – YES! Am I normal person than loves and has empathy – YES! Did I become dependent – YES! Did I willfully accept this role to become disabled and dependent on a Narcissist – NO! Did I believe in the false love – YES! BUT again, did I connect any or all of this OR put it together when I was in the thick of this cycle of abuse – NO. I was confused, dazed, vulnerable, and fighting for answers I didn’t have nor could I get to them because of my distorted emotions and trying to believe. It was my own justifications that blinded me from so much of the truth AND disabling.
The devaluation was relentless and a new layer was added daily so I couldn’t even start to dig myself out from the many other layers or realize this was psychological abuse. I didn’t have time to concentrate or figure out one single layer because another layer was added until the process was insurmountable and I was just surviving each day. I was in over my head and by myself with a distorted reality and stories that were just too incredulous and beyond belief. I could only survive the best way I could and my life was controlled by this revolving circle of inner messages that we are left with to decipher but it was too overwhelming to do alone. What did I have as my reality – a disordered and not fully functioning human being – A NARCISSIST driving this abuse straight into my life?
Just like the analogy of that fast ride on the merry-go-round, my only salvation was to jump off at all costs and get my feet back on the ground and my bearings back again. This was not a simple process because this Narcissist made sure to set the groundwork to make those nearest and dearest to me believe that I was a bad person and derelict. This was an insurmountable situation that I had to venture into without any course of action to resolve any of it quickly. I stumbled through it and had to let go of many things that were important to my life and become a survivor. Day by day I acquired the truth as well as knowledge to move forward. I didn’t look at any of the losses at first, I realized that my survival was based on becoming healthy first and then to rebuild from there. I had to step out of the fog and take each and every day as part of my freedom that provided me clarity to heal and move on little by little until I survived this war that was waged against my life. They just don’t walk into our lives to take supply and then discard us, they have to attempt to destroy us to make themselves feel better or superior in the process and to bury the evidence to avoid exposure. This is a fight to regain your life back and recovery is not an easy process but it is necessary to fight for your freedom and well-being to repurpose yourself again to a healthy psychological and emotional state to rejoin a good world and to trust and know love again. Throw this Narcissist COMPLETELY out of your head – learn the truth about their real agenda in all of this through education, find the support through the voices and stories of other survivors and start this journey through no/minimal contact as your first step. This is about your life and living again. This abuse is NEVER singular and affects whole families, including the biological children! Greg
Let’s dig into this abuse and unpack some of it so we get this completely as far as it concerns us!!!
More than often target/victims project the blame back onto themselves as they were conditioned to do all throughout the relationship and accept things that they normally wouldn’t. After all it was YOUR fault as we were ALL made to believe! We got there because we accepted all of the Narcissist’s projection of blame and began questioning ourselves AND our emotions (love) led us there. What did we do wrong, to drive them away? What was it about us that was so wrong or lacking that made the Narcissist become so negative or unhappy in the relationship? Were we not good enough, smart enough, virtuous enough like the Narcissist claimed, hardworking enough, beautiful or handsome enough, sexy, worthy, submissive enough, didn’t we give enough, do we REALLY have issues like this Narcissist said. Did I, could I, should I, if I – ALWAYS questioning ourselves and having to explain ourselves!? It is always the same coefficient and coming from the Narcissist constantly managing you down and it always became OUR issues and never holding the Narcissist accountable for what was only psychological abuse. We never get it that we were just ANOTHER object for this Narcissist to use and discard. We only believed the lies and fell into this abuse so we live with the distorted thoughts until we purge them out of us OR until we actualize the truth and get help to move away from all of the negative messages that modified our behaviors in such a destructive manner. THERE IS NEVER any closure with this Narcissist because it was all an agenda that ends with destruction and they are not going to take responsibility for their abuse and be exposed for who and what they are.
We are left in a magnanimous state of confusion – stuck between opposing thoughts – we LOVED this person and they loved us back BUT now we have come to the realization that it was ALL A LIE and we can’t accept this. This is what is referred to as cognitive dissonance. When a target/victim experiences cognitive dissonance, our rational ability to actualize reality or accept the knowledge about the psychopathy as far as it concerns the Narcissist doesn’t fully sink in on the powerful EMOTIONAL LEVEL because we LOVED them. Plus, we never had ‘real time’ experience or knowledge about this personality disorder to help us understand what was happening to us! Consequently, we continually move back and forth between that old idealized fantasy that was pounded into our mind and heart (the love bombing) and the pathetic reality of the NEW truth about this disordered individual that terrorized our world and try to rationalize it. This is such a confusing process as well as an emotionally draining one too. Just remember that initially, when you were in the idealization phase and LOVED so ideally the fantasy was that this Narcissist could love you and that he/she seriously committed to loving you – that is very familiar in our normal world. Then, once you were devalued and/or discarded, the fantasy still remains that he/she is capable of LOVE and loving others, BUT just not YOU. You feel that you weren’t right for him/her, but NOW someone else can be SO RIGHT for them and it only reinforces the distorted messages. Narcissists don’t know love or feel love with ANYBODY they are only looking for supply. There will be MANY more and newer ‘others’ in this Narcissist’s future but ALL of them are just new objects to use and throw away! Everyone has an expiration date!
This is the fantasy (manipulation) that the Narcissist tries to convince every target/victim of once they enter the devaluation phase and that it is the problem is never with the them (the Narcissist). Narcissists do truly believe this because they never see anything wrong with themselves or their behavior, so if they are no longer vested in or excited by a person, the Narcissist concludes it must be your fault because YOU were deficient or defiant and didn’t serve them in every way they deserved to be treated – omnipotence. ADD to this that they are not capable of feeling emotions or simply caring about the well-being of others. Then there will be the incredulous stories and lies that come out as it concerns the Narcissist pinning this all on YOU in the end (smear campaign!) Then WHO has ever tested the Narcissist by trying to completely expose them, and were they successful. What law protects a target/victim and makes the Narcissist’s accountable with criminal charges! The Narcissist is a clever thief and usually has minions that claim his/her innocence and turns it back onto us! Karma and time will get them for sure because their lies do catch up with them BUT that offers little solace to the victim that is left so vulnerable from this abuse!
Because you put up with the emotional and psychological abuse from this Narcissist you were with for such a long time and because the devaluation phase was also so long and drawn-out, you have absorbed AND accepted these particular beliefs despite everything you NOW know about this Narcissist’s inability to love or even care about others. In time and with no contact, the rational knowledge and emotional beliefs that this was real love will merge so you can accept this duality of what you believed and what is really the ugly truth. The last bits and pieces of this totally distorted illusion of this Narcissist loving you will diminish so the real healing CAN begin! BUT you have to put the effort there to stop the messages as well as anything that concerns them or you will constantly spin your wheels and stay stuck in this victim mode and BLAMING yourself. The reality here is that this was abuse!
Cognitive dissonance is part of the disabling process of being a target/victim of a personality disordered Narcissist and doesn’t occur in healthy relationships. When there are two healthy individuals in a relationship there are good and bad parts as it concerns two separate personalities merging. But by far one or the other person doesn’t have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality or a mask of sanity that hides a malicious, abusive and destructive person. In a healthy relationship, there is a certain level of transparency, so basically, what you see is what you get and it is pretty consistent, flaws and all. ALSO, healthy relationships aren’t based on emotional/psychological abuse, control, domination and an insurmountable mountain of deliberate lies and manipulation. Furthermore, healthy relationships don’t end abruptly, as if they never even happened because normal people can’t detach so quickly from deeper relationships and JUMP right into another one UNLESS it was completely built on deception and basically one partner is a Narcissist! Cognitive dissonance happens in those cases where there is a horrendous contradiction between a reality and an increasingly implausible fantasy which when fully revealed, would be too painful to accept, so much so that you would rather cling to parts of the fantasy than confront that sad reality and move on.
So, what is connected to this cognitive dissonance is that the Narcissist still has a form of power over you and the Narcissist’s distorted standards still have a place in your brain AND heart. Call it ambient abuse! Even though you may reject the Narcissist on some level, on another the Narcissist’s opinion still somehow matter to you (those old messages still playing in your head!) Narcissists are frauds, their actions, words and opinions are distorted and delusional with a personal and self-serving agenda attached to them! The Narcissist’s connections to others, especially the ones the Narcissist CLAIMS to be “the love of their life,” are only empty, controlling and abusive bonds too. But if you stay emotionally attached or you still care about what the Narcissists thinks or feels, then you are giving a highly-disordered person too much power over you. You must actualize the truth – and that comes from acknowledging the facts that are now staring directly in your face as you are reaching out to understand how someone could treat you in the sadistic manner that this Narcissist did to you. In a word or two – this was psychological and emotional abuse from a personality disordered Narcissist and it has damaged your mind and heart as well as traumatized your life. Please start on your journey to recovery with no/minimal contact to gain the clarity to understand and act on the truth about your situation. Greg
So why does a Narcissist play “love” with us like we are their one and only and pretend it is forever?
So WHY does a Narcissist idealize their targets in the first place. Why do they invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship, given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? Well because it is a major component of the abuse to secure their target AND gain their trust, as well as defines them as predators, extortionists and the abusers they are.
The obvious response would be that they do it for security or constant and LONG term supply (but that doesn’t stop them in seeking out supply on the side). Perhaps they even do it because they can’t get close to people to secure supply with their TRUE psychopathic nature, SO IT IS A NEEDED PART of the big con job by concentrating their energy on ONE PRIMARY SOURCE and hopefully locking them in long term to always have a STEADY supply source around. It takes a great deal of energy for the Narcissist to keep that mask firmly attached, as well as keep that hidden creature inside of them from escaping and raging and attacking anyone and everyone. Just consider how they can’t control their need to get their fix of more or extra supply and how easy they can betray us. They are seriously out of control with their needs, so why not have the security of that one person when supply is low or not readily available. They constantly need supply around them 24/7. It is the psychopathy that goes hand in hand with their personality disorder and how they are wired! Remember they always have to go to the external world for their faint happiness or admiration because they have no mechanics that enable them to internalize feelings, emotions, or to bond and love, etc. Can you imagine never being able to love in this world?
Whenever a Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because he/she wants something from that person and THEY WILL EXTORT IT OUT OF THEM! It all depends on what the Narcissist wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him/her. If the Narcissist wants some sort of semblance of order OR respectability, a façade or diversion behind which he/she can hide his/her true and perverse nature to appear harmless and normal, he/she may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. If all he/she wants is to have some fun, it will be over within a short period of time, maybe even a couple of hours. If the Narcissist wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he/she may stay with you for as long as you excite him/her. Despite the differences in length of time or timeline that the Narcissist remains with ANY supply, what will remain constant is that eventually, the target will be discarded as soon as they no longer serve his/her needs.
They do enjoy the chase, the seduction and the betrayal. They relish creating the illusion that they’re something they’re not because it is all part of their psychopathic ego feeding process and being a Narcissist. They also enjoy observing how they dupe others into believing all of their fiction – AND THE REWARDS ARE GREAT FOR THE NARCISSIST – all the supply they can get through their lies and manipulation. This isn’t just psycho-babble it is the clinical truth and debilitating when you are the one being duped, extorted, conned, etc. AGAIN – when the Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because they want something from that person.
The CLINICAL research does confirm that Narcissists suffer from a lack of empathy as well as the EMOTIONS that would be directly related to a normal person that has emotions, empathy, and the ability to love, so it makes bonding superficial, at best. When they want something or someone they pursue that particular person and need with all their might. You are a means to an end or a SOURCE of SUPPLY to feed their many needs. You were never idealized for YOURSELF, but for something else you had or supply. But when their goal is actually you/us, then their pursuit feels very positive and REAL because we are being SEDUCED and conned into a very familiar and amazing emotion or love. They will even get married to pull us into this huge con or big lie and that gives them a lifeline to you/us legally and emotionally for their constant chaos and crazy making as well as a full-time source of supply.
Temporarily we represent the object of their desire, the answer to their needs, the love of their life and the key to their happiness – remember they can’t do any of this on their own because of their psychopathic nature and lack of all empathy. But this feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s just something new and fun, and empty to the core because they are COMPLETELY empty and a big needy void. Add to this that they are addicts and supply is their drug of choice, so they are always off and looking for the next fix! All of this pretty much fuels their out-of-control lifestyle. As we’ve observed, once the Narcissist feels they have you in their grasp and once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on them, they GET BORED with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. We are THEIR supply in this psychopathic manipulation, and they are NOT going to be ‘our’ supply or give anything to us in return, this is only a one-way street with them. So inevitably they are going to move on when we try to make this “relationship” real in a manner that we are a VIABLE part of them and show that we also have needs. They are not in a relationship that grows in a normal manner; they are in a delusional and contractual agreement with every other human being that states we will SUPPLY the Narcissist with EVERYTHING they desire.
So, when does it all come DOWN???? All of a sudden you fall from the center of their life, you suddenly become an obstacle in their next pursuit and the Narcissist is pumped up and ready to fight the fight to dump you, but cautiously (without you having knowledge of it) and WHEN the time is just right OR perfect! They are setting “Narcissistic land mines” everywhere, so when they have moved on and you begin to “step back out” into the real world, you inevitably step on one of their bombs that blows up your integrity. These bombs are everywhere and the damage is too! They are in place to divert from the obvious truth that your Narcissist was a big CON artist, extortionist and abuser. BUT this con artist is going to con whomever they can into believing that it was you that was the problem and even the abusive person in the relationship. They cannot be exposed or it would put them out of business and they would be labeled as an ABUSER. So, with that in mind, the “great devaluation” fulfils our preconceived destiny with the Narcissist and your losses are great. The Narcissist just moved on to start the cycle of abuse with another person. We ALL have an expiration date! In a nutshell, this explains exactly what we are to a Narcissist – an object to fulfill their needs and nothing more. Please understand the truth and go no/minimal contact to end the cycle of abuse so you can move onto recovery and freedom. Greg
Minions and flying monkeys, the Narcissist’s ‘go to’ people when they need back up because they are about to be exposed! The Narcissist trains their minions to use as tools to fight alongside of them with their Smear Campaign, backstabbing or to malign people!
It is just a fact that a Narcissist that has any role in your personal life is incapable of having a normal conversation yet alone a discussion with anyone who challenges or disagrees with their ideas. You really can’t have ANY conversation with a Narcissist without it SOMEHOW damaging their delicate ego! It doesn’t matter if a conversation is presented in a calm manner discussing any and all aspects of an issue as being beneficial to something meaningful or a larger picture. The Narcissist is a psycho bully that disallows individualism or independent thinking and always needs to be in control of their environment. Remember their world is all about them being PERFECT, in charge, AND IN CONTROL! It is also impossible to have an intellectual discussion with them in which ANY differing ideas are discussed in a back and forth manner. Their conversations are ALWAYS embellished with manipulative overtones to confuse, confound, disengage, accuse, trick, gain information, pass on information, etc., but it is ALWAYS part of their grand agenda to create and support their false identity. Seriously if we could tape a Narcissist’s mouth shut to prevent them from talking, this world would be a much safer and peaceful place to live in.
The Narcissist’s self-regulating and controlling mechanics always involves pulling or seducing people into their lair and extracting information from them AND in turn using this information for whatever GAIN they desire or to USE against them! Be it the love bombing to harvest their main sources of supply, or people to prop up their hideous façade of saintliness or the minions to protect them. If that entails being, charming, exciting, seducing, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it – just technique! My point is that their manipulation is not only confined to a single person as in a relationship, but instead it is a complex network that includes their primary and secondary supply sources as well as their supportive adoring friends, family members, co-workers, etc., all of which are basically seduced into their roles! The Narcissist NEEDS this network to survive as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them closely. They need a network of people to support their MANY ‘needy needs’ and we are ALL basically some form of supply, so this is a full time job for them to control the world around them. BUT the key element is that they are always on the defensive and everybody is essentially an enemy or someone to use for support because their world is full of lies and holes as it concerns the reality they PRESENT to us! They are quite use to getting caught or busted but they are ALWAYS ten steps ahead of us and have their adoring fans that just love them and WILL protect them too.
So, what is the Narcissist’s thought process behind their backstabbing and smear campaign? They exploit the listeners’ emotions and sentiments. They use them to justify their suppressed hate, fears or desires. They make up a story plausible enough that listeners cannot verify the exact allegations, BUT the accusations they make are powerful and damaging, and they are meant to harm a particular person that has wronged the Narcissist! It is a strong-arm defense to silence a target and to avoid exposure.
Narcissists are very easily wounded, so a smear campaign is an attempt to malign someone’s character, credibility and reputation based on lies, half-truths and malicious rumors. Narcissists distort situations with twisted conclusions, perceiving themselves as victims, seduce listeners with faked intimacy by sharing secrets. AND, they are highly persuasive. So persuasive in fact that they convince both themselves and others that their ‘woe be me’ stories and ‘smear’ rumoring is true.
In turn people ignore their very own conscience and intuition if the rumor is sufficiently shocking. The smear campaign is such an offensive tactic that the Narcissist uses to malign, discredit, and reduce targets/victims to inferior damaged beings and stripping them of power by destroying their character. This tactic also divides and conquers by pitting people against a supposed ‘foe’ that the Narcissist singles out. Targets are stuck between a rock and a hard place, right where the Narcissist wants them to be, damned if they defend themselves and damned if they don’t.
This process is never accomplished by a single person, though. The smear campaign requires a mob of minions or flying monkeys to carry the distorted and destructive messages to finish the job that the Narcissist started. The Narcissist can just sit back and enjoy the show while the minions commit an atrocity that basically destroys the target/victim’s integrity. It is an insane attack that completely dehumanizes a good person for no earthly reason other than the Narcissist carrying out their abusive agenda so they can move on unscathed and unexposed.
The Narcissist may seem fully functioning because they are gainfully employed and may be high up in the chain of command at their place of employment or just a worker bee. BUT they are always in control of every environment they are in. Again, they are extremely manipulating psycho bullies that will immediately start their sneak attacks, by complaining to a superior about other employees, triangulate, search for weaknesses in others to take advantage of, and basically create chaos to divide and conquer. They are very adept at their backstabbing by making everything seem more like a concern instead of a huge distorted lie to damage another person.
This is not confined to where they work, but it includes any organization that they are a part of, their place of worship, clubs they belong to, charity organizations, events, and even THEIR family unit or basically anyplace where their presence is apparent. They are very adept at ALL of their abusive tactics as we all personally know. They can somehow twist personal or private information they know about anybody, and subtly say just enough to make it real to their listener and seem like they are ‘in the know’ about something that damages the target/victim. Basically they use familiarity from knowing us and turn it against us. That familiarity is what brings credence to their twisted story and lies so nobody is ever the wiser to their sneaky tactics. You will NEVER see the person they are destroying present in any conversation to have an opportunity to speak out about the accusations against them, NO with a Narcissist it is always the cowardly approach to silently talk behind EVERYBODIES back, or back-stabbing! They will also triangulate by making YOU believe that somebody is doing the same to you – again part of the ‘divide and conquer’ technique they utilize.
A Narcissistic boss will gossip behind the scenes and try to rally others against the person who dared to offer a different opinion and the boss will make it seem like a concerned comradery rather than undermining somebody’s integrity. Likewise, a Narcissist in a love relationship will also talk behind their partner’s back to other family members with the same shrewd tactics to belittle, cause trouble and whatever other damage they can. AGAIN, they will use whatever familiarity they have through knowing you as an open door to be ‘in the know’ about personal and private situations you have shared with them in confidence!
So basically, it amounts to either literally charming the pants off of somebody, pulling somebody in as supply, backstabbing, triangulation or something that is always deceptive and devious on the Narcissist’s part to build up their minions and support. There is never a genuine conversation with them, everything must serve them somehow. As they are conversing with you they are also gathering whatever information they can concerning you, something, or someone that you are talking with them about innocently. Nothing is sacred with them and you can bet that they will use that information and even distort it if it serves them in some way and throw you under the train in doing so – when nobody is looking of course! They are calculating and toxic and again we never realize this until they run off like the cowards they are and the damage they leave behind has devastated your integrity to say the least. Basically, they are always on the defensive with everybody and their smear campaign maligns their target and destroys their integrity – the target is none the wiser until they step back out into the world and find that good integrity of theirs murdered by the Narcissist. No/minimal contact to get out of this chaotic and destructive world with the Narcissist forever. Greg
Despite the relentless abuse, rage episodes, mind games, projection, gas lighting and demoralization, SOMEHOW we believe we are still in love with these Narcissists on some level and possibly feel we will always love them. These messages and the ambient effects of this abuse continuously play behind all of our attempts to reach closure and YES through our recovery. This is part of recovery and we must live it! This attitude or thought process is evidence of how the emotionally abusive Narcissist brainwashes or programs their targets to keep believing in them – that was the huge con, love bombing, or whatever we call this horrendous manipulation they tricked us into believing that somehow keeps us bonded to them. It is akin to an addiction, and our addiction is to the drug of our choice and that is this Narcissist. A drug alters our mind when we ingest it, and brainwashing and programming/conditioning from a Narcissist ALSO alters our mind when we ingest and internalize their messages. Like an addict that will continually justify their returning to the drug of choice EVEN though it is damaging their mind and life and is basically destroying them – it is the addiction message that keeps the addict going back. That message is also in us and what causes us to relapse. The message has altered our mind to believe in the Narcissist against all of the odds and the REAL truth that they are bad for us. In time with education and support we will deprogram this message and be desensitized to it. But we have to always be cognizant of the fact that the abuse message is in our subconscious and destroy it so it doesn’t start replaying itself or we will fall backwards into the abuse pattern again. Along with this we need to do some very deep introspection to heal many broken parts so that we are not disabled by the abuse for the entirety of our life with trust factors, traumatization, depression, anxiety, and isolating ourselves from the world.
It is a fact of life that it takes time to grieve the loss of a significant relationship and that includes normal and ABNORMAL ones. No matter how abusive your Narcissist is/was, you still need to mourn the loss because it was portrayed as normal to you (just more of the brainwashing.) This may be confusing because ending a relationship with an abuser should ultimately feel like an act of liberation and freedom, but for many it is also experienced as a huge loss. It is not the reality of the loss of the abusive Narcissist, but the loss of the ideal fantasy image that was first IMAGED or constructed in your head by the ‘love bombing’ agenda. You are only wishing back a mirage that never existed. In reality this is just a false image that had very few fleeting moments of real sanity. The man or woman as well as the relationship you loved and miss do not exist! What exists and remains in your mind is the ‘what ifs,’ or if I only did this, that or what not, or worked harder to fix this’ THEN everything would have been OK. That is just DENIAL of the real truth.
Add up all of those ‘what ifs’ and look at them closely. For example, “if only he/she weren’t so crazy,” or “If only he/she weren’t so cruel,” or “If only he/she wasn’t such a liar,” or “if only he/she wouldn’t have cheated,” Or “if only I would have tried harder to make this work.” None of that is realistic because no person should feel inclined to take blame for such outrageous justifications! There or no “ifs” when somebody is sadistic and dehumanizes you, confounds your reality, and emotionally and psychologically abuses you. .
Now think about what you could do to help them or what you have already done so many times to correct all the problems. Now put a spin on the real perspective that the Narcissist feels omnipotent and superior, follows no rules or laws in life, lies, manipulates, etc. Will this Narcissist all of a sudden turn over a new leaf because you are hurting and haven’t they hurt you many times before? WELL, even when this Narcissist is hurling the most abusive poison at you, in their mind, they believe that they are being magnanimous for pointing out the error of your ways, so you can improve yourself and be the person THEY DESERVE. In their mind, you should be grateful that they take time from their busy schedule to criticize, abuse and be condescending to you. When they cheated on you it is because you deserve it for not meeting their every need and they justify it as being your fault that they had to find WHAT THEY NEEDED elsewhere. They see nothing wrong with it, or that they lied to cover it up, BUT you better never do the same thing to them. By the way, factor into this equation just what is it that you did wrong in the first place? Nothing! The sun rises and sets on them. They create all the rules and never abide by any of them. This is what a Narcissist does – AVOIDS reality and allow themselves the freedom to do anything they want at will because they are completely entitled to do so no matter how it may harm somebody else EVEN their own biological children! So how do we fix any of that? We DON’T – we can only accept and empower ourselves with the truth of what they are and move on to heal ourselves.
You DON’T bargain with someone so that they treat you well. Being treated with kindness, decency, consideration, respect and acceptance should be a prerequisite for an intimate relationship (or any relationship,) not something you are rewarded with for meeting one of the Narcissist’s unreasonable demands or if the Narcissist is trying to manipulate you into fulfilling their agenda by making you a source of supply. Either a person is capable of a reciprocal relationship or they are not. It doesn’t matter what you do or how nice, patient and understanding you are with a Narcissist. They are what they are, a controlling, cruel, abusive, emotional predator, pathological liar and bully. You can’t appease a bully or persuade them to be nice to you. If you do, they will only see you as weak and bulldoze you all the more and that is what the Narcissist does in the devaluation stage. This predator will always devalue and discard EVERY person that has some sort of relationship with them. They are omnipotent and superior in their own minds. In the reality they are damaged, dysfunctional and destructive abusers – but you will NEVER get them to see this because there is no empathy in them or a real and functioning person.
After I served my time with this Narcissist there was almost an instantaneous relationship that started with a new source of supply. The new supply was only spinning their wheels and trying to make it look real by overcompensating too and it was just the same old same old that I experienced and right there in front of me. This new supply only proved that they were in denial and following the same path I followed with this Narcissist. It took me awhile to get all of this, but when I saw just how pathetic this new supply was to act out in the manner they were (that included attacking me), I also saw something very ugly and that was the fact that I did some of the same things or overcompensating and only enabling my own abuse and ignoring the truth. WHY did I believe in this illusion and this sadistic creature? It made me turn away and look so far inside of me to figure out just why I did what I did. The whys are personal to me just as they will be personal to you, BUT you have to get to them ALSO to move forward with new boundaries! You have to stay on course every day with some kind of support like you are in a recovery program with strong objectives and follow this path completely to recovery. There are many online support sites to accomplish this. You have to accept that when you fall down that you have to get right back up with a new lesson and keep moving forward. You also have to stay on course with the truth that this was abuse. You have to deprogram those messages that keep playing in the back of your mind that this was real love and you can fix this. You have to get back to reality, and the way you use to live and love life! AND you will because you know that way of life because YOU ARE THE HEALTHY PERSON HERE and have the ability to make healthy changes once you deprogram the old messages.
You are in only in denial whenever you consider getting back together with him/her. When you catch yourself replaying those old message of, “He/she is really not that bad. He/she really does love me. I am not perfect either so if we wipe the slate clean and start over again MAYBE this time it will work!” FORGET IT, they are on to new supply with a brand-new game. Remember the Narcissist did not love you even in the smallest way. That Narcissist is not capable of loving you or anyone else because deep down they loathe themselves. They only view you as an object to control and to bolster their false image. We are all props that they use in their distorted, twisted fantasy world in which they are special, entitled, above reproach and not subject to the rules of civility and decency most of us abide by, AND in their world, they can and will abuse people. We have to GET THIS and then leave it behind and concentrate on us! No/minimal contact is just the reality and we MUST get there to start on a journey which is almost a rebirthing process as well as accept that there are bad people out there. BUT we must be able to trust again with our new boundaries. We must live with this as the new message that is always in the back of our mind. We must create these boundaries to protect ourselves and we MUST find and heal the wounds that allowed this predator to enter into our world. Any pain and anger that you feel is the reality that you are moving forward by accepting the ugly truth. Don’t allow the pain to define your progress, but instead allow the strength that allows you to get through that pain to define your progress instead. Yes, you are stronger than you believe because you are still here today and every new day is just more proof of your strength and determination!
When you even start to consider going back for one more attempt to try to fix this relationship ask yourself WHY would you put yourself back into battle and perhaps allow new messages to enter into your head. You are much stronger now and have come a long way with recovery (and boundaries) EVEN if you are one day, a week, or even a year out of this horrendous relationship – but you can’t cross any lines to test any theories out because that would be senseless to go backwards because that is what we do when we start to believe in them again. A relationship does NOT include building walls to protect yourself from abuse. When you have walls, there is a reason and those walls are meant to protect you and no relationship that is real would EVER require protecting yourself from harm. Just simple logic that is true. You just can’t go back because it took you so long to get to where you are and you MUST internalize this reasoning FOREVER. Your new boundaries are your new direction and you can’t ever reverse that direction. No/minimal contact always! Go forward! Greg
THIS was a manufactured love that was meant to completely con you. Your concepts of love that you held near and dear to your heart were mirrored back onto you and your reality was manipulated. You were in love or WHAT YOU BELIEVD WAS LOVE. Love is the strongest human emotion and bond in the world, and you felt it with all of your heart and soul which is not anything out of the ordinary, unique, or wrong because it happens every day. BUT what was unique in your situation is that it was a love that psychologically damaged you and your whole belief system as well as your self-worth has been thrown out the window! Your spirit must heal from the loss of love however traditional or non-traditional (abusive) it is/was. Regardless of the abuse your love was still very real to YOU and you are not going to just overcome that emotional bond right away even with a desperate and abusive love from a Narcissist. Grieve it but always with a sense of the reality that this love was administered by a personality disordered and abusive person.
Here’s where the difference comes into the equation. The Narcissist manipulated and controlled you into a state of desperation for their approval or the desire for affirmation and reciprocal love (conditioning) – but they offered it so freely in the beginning stages of this relationship. You worked so much harder for this relationship to become viable and real? You put so much of your time, energy, thoughts, and perseverance into this. And the end result – you were devalued every step of the way AND then discarded. This Narcissist was cruel and made you beg for the smallest validation from them. They forced you into believing that change HAD to start with you OR ELSE. This WAS the most painful experience of your life. Nothing traditional about this!
When they were ‘loving bombing’ you they showered you with their amazing charm, attention, gifts, and compliments. They only pretended to be the love that you dreamt of or exactly morphing into that dream that was personal to you. They were preparing you for the psychological and emotion erosion or ABUSE. Nothing traditional about this!
After the amazing ‘love bombing’ the relationship was always in contention with them, and YOU were always the cause of everything wrong. You always sensed from their words and actions that you might be replaced at any time AND in reality, they were ALWAYS working on replacing you. This disorientated and distorted your mind, SO this Narcissist basically hijacked your every thought, every minute of the day. But think about those thoughts – were they EVER positive, affirming or nourishing? No, they were disorienting and negative to keep you off balancing and questioning your worth and reality. A Narcissist creates this unpredictable lifestyle with lies, games, gas-lighting, manipulation, betrayal and every other tool they use to abuse their target/victims. Nothing traditional about this!
This was a VERY unhealthy lifestyle and not anything near a viable relationship. It is oppression, desperation, and sadistic. Your strong sentiments toward solving all the mystery around them as well as proving yourself over and over again constantly played with and tricked your mind into believing that there was something so powerful about them that kept you hanging on for life and stuck in the horrible maze of their abuse. It is always a high adrenalin rush with them so when they create their chaos and/or discard you your world seems to fall completely apart. It is pure panic, devastation, and traumatizing! Nothing traditional about this!
Narcissists always destroy the integrity of their last target/victim. They are claiming that you are the abuser or mentally ill AND the victim is the one left broken and traumatized from all of the abuse. Narcissists will always enlist their entourage or minions to carry out their message that YOU have hurt them in every way possible. Meanwhile the Narcissist has sailed off in the sunset with the new and perfect ‘love of their life.” With a normal relationship both parties usually have a mutual respect and don’t harbor the hate that a Narcissist does when parting ways. NOR do they play games like a high school kid trying to inflict jealousy or intentionally being cruel. Nothing traditional about this!
They accuse you of doing EXACTLY what they have done to you – NARCISSISTIC PROJECTION at its best. But if they were a real target/victim of this abuse they would not be unaffected by it NOR moving right on to a new ‘love.’ The true target/victim exhibits the trauma from this abuse and has to spend many years recovering. Narcissists only use their stories about us to seduce and lure in new ‘supply’ with their ‘woe-be-me’ or pity me approach. So be assured that Narcissists do not spend a single second recovering from the ‘love’ they proclaimed, or the “abuse” they inflected onto you! They were loved unconditionally, cared for, respected, given compassion, and nurtured by you/us (target/victim) so what in all of that would they grieve? They are sadistic and cruel to act out in the manner that they do to good and loving people. It is horrendous to ABUSE people, but how delusional and cruel to add another layer to the abuse by accusing the very person they abused (us) of abusing them (the Narcissist.) Nothing traditional about this!
This is what defines the non-traditional breakup with these creatures. It is not a straightforward recovery, but instead one that requires a strong dose of education as well as a strong arm to pull the target/victim out of darkness and despair with therapy, support and all the help that is available. You are NOT just grieving a relationship you are grieving the destruction from abuse! No/minimal contact! Greg