Category Archives: Narcissism
When you have a relationship with a Narcissist you will ALWAYS be admonished, silenced, punished and BLAMED.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
Being a victim of Narcissistic abuse is a severely traumatic life experience that you are dealing with by yourself. If the perpetrator is a person you loved, admired, or looked up to as a role model, or a wife, husband, parent, guardian, friend, relative, etc., you don’t understand the reality because most of the time you loved the person, trusted them and believed in them. You went the extra mile for them as well giving up so much of yourself in doing so. If your professional life is entangled with a Narcissistic boss, getting out of the abusive relationship may be extremely challenging, especially when this is your livelihood, or your bread and butter. It most situations where a Narcissist is connected to your life it is difficult to just pick up, leave, and start over again because there is so much involved before you can do this.
It may seem frightening and insurmountable after the time you have invested, and you may be tempted to put up with more abuse, as an attempt to defuse the situation and save what mattered so much to you in any of the relationships you were entangled in. BUT there is nothing even near to a normal or real relationship with a Narcissist, and you can only learn this the hard and painful way if you stay or repeat the same steps you have in the past with them. There is no healthy give-and-take relationship with a Narcissist, only a manipulative, crippling, subjugating type of giving and a demanding, exploitative, and insensitive type of taking what the Narcissist wants to fulfil their needs only. People are only objects that a Narcissist uses. We are NOT objects nor can we ever redefine our roles in life to accept such a role with another human being.
It is especially difficult to accept this when your interactions with them are at the personal, professional, familial or intimate level. How much of yourself, your work, or your aspirations, do you have to sacrifice in order to save your life and your psyche from the destructive assaults from your Narcissistic abuser? Sometimes you have to lose all of it and start over again from scratch. As horrendous as that may sound, the bottom line is that you will achieve freedom and gain your belief system and sanity back and that basically describes saving your own life! What a horrendous step to take in life or basically having to run to save yourself from something so destructive that it can literally destroy your sanity – and especially if it is a person you trusted and loved like a spouse, partner, parent, family member, or even a close friend. This is magnanimous layer that is added to our recovery process – have to basically see our world destroyed around us and having to reconstruct that world as part of recovery and healing.
Don’t try to fight a war that you can’t win because a Narcissist lacks any and all morals and they abide by no rules nor are they fair. You can’t engage in reality with a person that lacks a conscience, morals, emotions and expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure. Narcissists have no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their mindless and thoughtless approach to other people especially if it is “you.” They already have a mechanism in place that has been dumping that shame since they were very young. Don’t ever underestimate their depravity as it concerns their lack of respect for life and people because they will abuse anyone that stands in their way, even their own biological children or ANY family member. They will go to ANY lengths to destroy your integrity to protect themselves from exposure – so yet another layer is added to recovery – fear of retribution and the damage they will cause to your life.
So how could you have been such a fool? The painful realization often comes with the disbelief of just how could we have not realized that he/she was like this? That’s another thing that educating yourself about this disorder will teach you very clearly. The Narcissistic personality is especially good at being pathologically deceptive and manipulative, at simulating genuine affection and caring to gain our trust so they can essentially use us and abuse us. In reality, the Narcissist is only capable of caring about themselves. The Narcissist can BASICALLY imitate that they care about you or even love you as long as he/she continues to see you reflect extreme adulation and admiration for them, which is usually in the beginning of your personal relationship with them and that traps you into the cycle of abuse with them. Underneath all of that is a delusional and out-of-control amoral person that lacks respect for life and people and has no conscience about how they debase people to GET WHAT THEY WANT – supply. That is what it all boils down to – we satisfy some sort of need, but they have many needs, and many people they use to satisfy their immense needy void hole. You thought this was a primary relationship with them and it never was because your role with them in any relationship is to serve their immediate needs.
The perceptions of the Narcissist are truly their reality. If you look back you have never been able to change or influence their perceptions because they got louder and completely ignored your every word to the contrary concerning any of their delusional outbursts, especially if it concerned their own accountability or the truth about them. If you couldn’t effect change with them living in a close relationship, then don’t waste your time and effort ever trying AGAIN. They live in their own world and no matter how false or unreal it appears to you, for them it is reality because it has to be for them to survive among us. As soon as a Narcissist begins to perceive that you have a voice of your own and a right to existence, the trouble starts and then there is no return because there is no possibility of two-way communication with them because they are omnipotent and need to control everything and everyone in their environment to maintain that facade. The more you push your individualism forward the more resistance from the Narcissist. Their façade is impenetrable and has to be or they would self-destruct if people knew the truth.
Lies and deceit are as natural to the Narcissist’s world as is breathing. A Narcissist has the amazing ability with their ‘shrewd deception’ to make ‘others’ believe their lies EVEN when they fly right in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Heck they are so smooth at their LIES that the Narcissist also believes THEIR own lies. Mine could have been given an honorary PHD in lies, and lying! Take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie, or as my friend once told me “if they are breathing they are lying!”
It is extremely painful, to come to the conclusion that people who have meant a great deal in your personal (or professional) life can ACTUALLY destroy you and you have to disengage with them completely to literally save your life. Sit back for a moment and really think about that and it is a hard pill to swallow. It is EXTREMELY painful, but the alternative is only to continue the descent along the dark path of self-destruction. Stop it all and finally break the chain that keeps you tied to an abuser. Everything you have built with this person was done in vain, and if you keep believing or buying into the games/lies with the hope to catch a glimpse of what things were like when you lived in the illusion they fabricated for you, you will only be drawn back into the abuse over and over again. The promises like a life journey together or sharing the joys of REAL love, a future, intellectual fulfillment, dreams, goals, etc., were part of the abuse to only control you and keep you chained to the abuse.
Unfortunately, you have to learn and accept that the psychological and emotional investment you made in a Narcissist is/was valueless, and you have to write them off completely as a bad debt. If you continue any type of association with them, you will only lose your soul and hand it over to a deceitful, perverted and loathsome character that will use and drain the life right out of it. They can be described just like the “un-dead” fictional characters that are looking to feed off of the life force of other human beings to BECOME alive again. Maybe the people that wrote about these fictional characters were using an artistic play on words to describe Narcissists. It is just incomprehensible that they have the cognitive ability to plan and scheme as they do to trap us, debilitate their target, know it is wrong, lie about their actions to cover up their tracks, destroy our good name, extort everything they can, and run off as they do to another unsuspecting target. Sounds more like a well-planned out process to me. The jury is still out on this.
One day you will see the complete picture and it will never make what they did better, but you will understand because you have finally been educated into what they are and what YOU aren’t. A Narcissist is a dead giveaway in the way they create their delusional turmoil after each and every departure from one of their con jobs or relationships as the Narcissist prefers to call them. While they are running away like the thieves they really are with their tails between their legs, they are really running away from the truth of who and what they are. We are the truth they are running from as they are throwing lies back at us in an effort to smear our integrity and destroy us. They never can or will admit to what they have done, instead they will always slither into someone else’s life to find shelter, create a new family, and take what they can emotionally and physically. In the end you were still the amazing and loving person you ALWAYS were and that is what sent the Narcissist running for their life – YOU WERE JUST TOO STRONG for them and saw right through their façade! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
A little education or Narcissism 101 – Introjection and Projection – Powerful tools the Narcissist uses in their cycle of abuse to make you feel SHAME and BLAME.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
The casualties of Narcissistic abuse most often find themselves confused and isolated at the end of their relationship, perhaps completely unaware that they were ABUSED or there are other people/victims that have suffered the EXACT same fate. It can be healing and comforting to know that you are not alone at such times and that there is a reason and explanation for what has happened, and YOU ARE NOT THE REASON for any of this. You were abused by a malignant Narcissist and that NARCISSIST even has it down to a technique they employ to abuse targets/victims.
Introjection and projection are powerful tools the Narcissist uses against unsuspecting victims. I did not invent these names, but I feel understanding them is IMPORTANT to understanding this abuse and recovering from it as well, so just a little more education on the facts of this abuse and how we got here. If we don’t understand these techniques the Narcissist employs then the abuse may not seem real, and if left unidentified the victim BLAMES themselves and believes the Narcissist’s lies and agenda. Naming and awareness of these tactics can help to negate their power and expose the Narcissist as a con artist and predator. Remember a great deal of BLAME and SHAME has been attributed to every target/victim, as well as a heavy feeling of worthlessness – this is what many victims end up believing and accepting and it becomes debilitating to their healing and recovery.
There is a term in psychology called introjection. It defines how an individual will adopt the desirable traits of another person and mirroring them as a mechanism to draw that person near to them or into their world. Most Narcissists begin their relationships with introjection. They take on the positive traits of their target, making their target feel as if the Narcissist is a perfect match. They tell them all the right things, do all the right things, and make their target feel like they have truly found their soul-mate. HOWEVER, the attributes are an illusion for appearance sake and part of the Narcissist’s abusive agenda. A Narcissist will use this technique to ensnare a companion who they will subsequently trap into a cycle of abuse. This period can last anywhere from a few months to a few years, depending on how much convincing it’s going to take for the target to feel like they want the relationship with the Narcissist. It’s the honeymoon phase of the relationship or LOVE BOMBING, but it was a trap that was set for us to gain our trust completely so the Narcissist could exert their control over us and exploit us through extreme manipulation.
This con artist Narcissist’s fake MASK of respectability, morality, saintliness, etc., is so much a part of the Narcissist’s self-image, that they are able to convince their family, friends, co-workers, POTENTIAL love interest and all casual acquaintances of its veracity. The successful process of introjection builds a wall against the outside world, not allowing the truth to show of how disordered the Narcissist is. The void inside those walls is populated with a lack of ANY and ALL empathy, guilt, remorse, or caring for their outlandish and hideous actions, as well as a myriad of conflicting emotions and huge DENIAL! A Narcissist will lie intentionally and feel no remorse because, in their mind, their every action is justified. Their entire focus is to convince everyone around them of their superiority in every aspect of life and it allows them to walk around unnoticed or CAMOFLAUGED to completely hide the disordered and abusive creature they are. They JUST LIE and that is that!
When the inevitable conflicts occur, it is inconceivable to the Narcissist that any fault could be attributed to them. In order to transfer the responsibility for outrageous and damaging acts, they will use a technique called projection. Projection is a term that describes the transference of these horrendous acts from the guilty to the innocent OR turning it all around by finding blame and putting it back onto YOU. Anyone who has ever had a relationship with a Narcissist will recognize this tactic instantly. However, if a person hasn’t been a target/victim of projection, they may never fully understand the anguish it causes. It is very difficult to explain this to the NON-target/victim. HECK it was impossible for me to wrap my head around it as well at first.
When my Narcissist was made accountable or threatened they loved to attack the person with cowardly lies behind their back that threatened their livelihood, career, or standing with family or the community. It is was my Narcissist’s trademark or pattern to always accuse anyone that defied them with something so deviant or sexually perverted to destroy the targets/victims integrity completely because the listener could not ignore the allegations and had to take action on the accusations. The main point here is how the Narcissist will blame EVERYONE and never considers the real fact that they were the deviant person that more than likely were actually doing the things that they accused others of doing and without a single care in the world. If you read between the lines here and realize that a Narcissist accepts ZERO accountability for any of this and it is as delusional as it is ridiculous! It is non-existent in their reasoning that all of this poison originated from their actions, AND THAT THEY ARE THE PERPETRATOR of all of this garbage and DAMAGE to everyone! It is maddening!! They JUST DON’T CARE because they have an agenda to follow and that is to fulfil their every need and to live their out of control and perverse lifestyle in any manner they want, and without concern to whom they harm, and they come out of it unscathed with a smile on their face!! It is incredulous and if you present that slippery Narcissist with the facts, they will plead the ‘Narcissistic 5th Amendment,’ and that we are lying, making all of this up, etc., and blah, blah, blah! Everyone else is ALWAYS lying and everything is their fault- but NEVER the Narcissist – how about it!
Projection invariably occurs whenever a crisis occurs, or the Narcissist is held accountable for any action, confronted, or questioned, etc. Since it is impossible for the Narcissist to admit thoughtlessness or error (NO EMPATHY), it is always someone else who was at fault and they will invent that fault. It is almost impossible to describe the feeling of confusion that the victim of Narcissistic abuse feels when they not only have to endure the abuse but be accused of being the abuser as well. All of a sudden right is wrong, true is false, reality a big lie, and we begin to question our own sanity because WE BELIEVED in this Narcissist’s strength of character in the beginning, as well as the charm that attached us to them. We only started on what seemed to be a real journey of loving another person. This is it in a nutshell – it is a hideous GAME and we were tricked into opening up our mind, our heart and our whole world to have it exploited by a thief, a pathological liar, a cheater, a manipulator, and a person that would betray and even destroy us in a moment and without a thought if we dared point out the smallest truth.
The Narcissist is always drawn to their potential mates (supply) by their goodness, tolerance, and moral character, and will mimic those behaviors to lure their target in by portraying a ‘kindred soul’ and having a like-minded generosity of spirit. Once entrenched into a long-term relationship that is difficult to end because of finances, the birth of children, or whatever reason and the Narcissist DOES show their true inner self. The façade of a saint and moral caring family member is maintained for outsiders, while behind closed doors, the nightmare/terrorism begins.
The ultimate mission of the Narcissist is to be ADMIRED and adored, as if a God, worshipped for the grand gift of their presence in the world. The Narcissist will not be changed, primarily because they enjoy being the way that they are. They revel in the power they are able to exert with their methods of psychological torture. They will REJECT any psychiatric counseling, because it will invariably point to the reality of their damaging and abusive behavior. However, they will cling to any diagnosis other than Narcissism which makes them a victim, rather than the villain – just another TOOL they can utilize to con the world. They will also employ a mental condition to self-medicate themselves. They can create any and every role they need to fulfill whatever agenda they have, even to receive over the counter prescriptions.
The best and only advice for someone who is suffering through an abusive relationship with a Narcissist is to break it off and go NO CONTACT. If children are involved, they should be isolated from the source of the conflict and that can be achieved by keeping communication with the Narcissist to the very basics and avoiding the Narcissist’s irrational and controlling conflict in front of the children. Narcissism can invade the lives of the impressionable (like children, elderly, or anyone for that matter) and claim them as well and does because this abuse is never singular and affects whole families. Since a Narcissist cares only for themselves, their care concerning the welfare of shared children is ALL PRETENSE and they will use them to be the BELOVED and caring parent for the public’s eye and to get at the ex-spouse if possible through manipulation. Stay minimal contact and NEVER engage them in one of their manipulative and emotional ploys or arguments because it is all an effort to drive you back into the abuse and manage you down more. Minimal contact is only for the purpose of HAVING to be in contact, but it is only business as needed. Unfortunately, if the Narcissist has joint custody they will use the children in any way they can to inflict harm on the victim spouse even manipulating the legal system however they can.
If you are ‘no contact’ with your Narcissist give yourself the BIGGEST hug you can, because you have survived a battle with a predator. Celebrate your freedom and stay strong in your convictions that your abuse had NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with this delusional and personality disordered person that inflicted psychological damage onto you in a manner to extort every aspect of your life. Believe in yourself and go forward and never look back EVER – you WILL find that amazing person you were once you get out of the fog of this abuse. Greg
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
The habit of treating a human being or a person as a means to an end is utilitarian to a Narcissist and a mechanism used to satisfy their needs and fundamentally an inhumane or a pathological and perverted manipulation of our basic human rights. The Narcissist is feeding their endless ‘depravity void’ through injustice by his/her regard for others as mere instruments for their own gratification. The closer the association to a Narcissist the more pathological the Narcissist becomes, and the more damage done to the target/victim. Their needs are far more than just extorting basic life and biological needs, it is their delusional psychological needs that cause the most damage to their target/victim. It is their need to control and gain dominance or power over other people that damage and destroys them. They are BASICALLY human with most of the same biological needs (like eating, breathing and sexuality) but when it comes to mental functions they are delusional and seem to have a battle that rages in their head to seriously harm people that love them as if they loathe all people and need to destroy them one by one.
The Narcissist is incapable of love because at the core of his/her Narcissism is the total refusal to revere others as individuals or to truly love and appreciate others as ‘another’ person that is anywhere near equal to the omnipotent Narcissist. It is a fortress or huge wall of jealousy that is weak and wobbly because it always comes tumbling down and the Narcissist shows their true colors with their debasing and dehumanizing mannerisms. What the Narcissist loves is the false self he/she has created and that he/she needs to see reflected in the affirmation and supply from others to feel real and alive. They are actors and actresses picking and choosing their roles and perfecting them to receive their ‘Emmy’ award or better yet the most and best SUPPLY they can get from their audience. It is basically a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist is more akin to a TICK feeding on us to survive, as well as infecting us with their poisonous saliva that can and will disable us. We are just a source to feed them, entertain them, and cover their disfigured and abusive lifestyle. After being objectified and abused we are then blamed/shamed and destroyed as if in a ritual way to remove ANY and ALL accountability from the Narcissist because he/she can never allow themselves to see the reality of their disordered life and the destruction they cause ever. This is the truth about their superiority or omnipotence, and it is as flimsy as their reality in this world.
Since a Narcissist is incapable of truly loving another as an individual, all of the Narcissists relationships with others are perverted, twisted, and abusive. To use a person is to abuse a person, and everyone in the Narcissists life WITHOUT EXCEPTION is nothing more than a means of procuring affirmation, adulation, and admiration. We are a means to an end driven by the Narcissist’s self-serving agenda to secure supply or basically to extort from people. It is like a puppet show with the Narcissist having his/her hand in every puppet and directing it’s every move.
A Narcissist is calculating and refuses ANY connection or obedience of the basic requirements of life or the natural moral laws as they apply to life and human rights. Obedience to a Narcissist implies that there is something larger or better than what they are, and they will never comply because it would define them as being weak to allow anyone to feel significant enough to be their equal or better. It is almost like the Narcissist completely relates everything in life to a measurement, but this measurement begins and ends with them. As the saying goes, the sun rises and sets on a Narcissist because they feel they are above all life.
The Narcissist creates the terms of how THEY measure life, so if they were a “tape measure or a ruler”, they would determine the dynamics of each and every measurement OR define every inch of every foot – and you can believe that it would not be consistent as it is SUPPOSED to be. The Narcissist has to be ‘that’ which measures (and judges) and NEVER that WHICH IS MEASURED and NEVER judged. Literally they “coin” the phrase “give them an inch and they will take a yard.” Well that and anything they can get their tentacles around.
Nevertheless, our first experiences with the Narcissist has allowed us to believe in a prince/princess ‘charming’ who have done great things in our lives like “loving us” so we hold on to keep the faith, and live with this Narcissist’s amazing BUT fake integrity. It is our empathy, love and basic trust that are targeted. The Narcissist has bamboozled us through this wondrous and seemingly normal façade that IMITATES extreme goodness as well as fake virtues that we hold in good faith BUT really with little or no real accountability and that was a BIG OOPS. SO there within the problem LIES – the Narcissist is so very adept at circumventing the intellect and manipulating man/womankind by their craft or better yet craftiness that they have perfected all of their life, so they target us where it counts – OUR EMOTIONS, TRUST, and LOVE!
Because Narcissists have depleted or deleted their character so profoundly through choices contrary to the norms of reason or basic DENIAL, they will even begin to see themselves as what they project, mirror, and bounce off of us. If you are not governed by any natural or moral laws, but by the law of “whatever you want to be to get whatever you want” well then you hold great power, but you need to CONTROL the world to achieve this superiority, so the Narcissist is fundamentally a dictator in their ‘rule.’
Unfortunately this comes at a great cost to the Narcissist and their biggest weakness is that it is never enough and they fall into their “out-of-control” lifestyle quickly for more and more adulation and supply from wherever they can get it. Betrayal, addictions, many affairs on the side, gas-lighting, horrendous lies, etc., are all part of the façade and they become so careless that when they are caught and made accountable time after time, their ‘subjects’ (targets/victims) retaliate. A dictator only uses a stronger fist to subdue their ‘subjects’ and likewise a Narcissist does the same with a ‘smear campaign’ of lies to destroy their victim’s integrity. A Narcissist can’t substantiate their delusional lifestyle with us to maintain a relationship because eventually the dictator Narcissist turns hateful, destructive, AND bored. It is of course our entire fault for not cultivating/nurturing all of their delusions and lies and allowing them to maintain the abusive life they created for us.
Lastly the Narcissist can’t maintain their façade without exposing their true colors, and exposure is their greatest fear. So, the Narcissist exerts their last bit of power to annihilate the very source that could expose the truth or their target/victims. Hence all those clinical terms that describe the repercussions of our relationship with them like back stabbing and the ‘smear campaign’ and BOOM we are destroyed, done and gone forever. No-one is ever the wiser, so life goes on FOR THE NARCISSIST while we pay for it forever. Don’t forget that there are always THOSE subjects that the Narcissist has been grooming while they were abusing us so there you go again – BOOM – they have a brand new ‘subject’ (target/victim) ready and waiting to serve them and new soldiers to protect their lies and shore up the fortress. No/minimal contact is the ONLY way to end the abuse and move forward to healing and recovery! Greg
Understanding your role with a Narcissist in practical terms that will explain WHAT being ‘supply’ to a Narcissist really means!
Narcissistic supply is MANY things but basically any emotional or physical attention, energy, help, support, sympathy, acknowledgement or approval that you give to a Narcissist for any reason, be it positive or negative. It is ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that FEEDS their obsessive, and insatiable need for attention. Remember that they have basically tricked you into their world with such superficial charm or love bombing to harvest you like a farmer harvests their many crops. There is NO love, NO real relationship, NO reciprocation, NO respect given to you as a person, NO CONNECTION whatsoever, just complete nothingness! Yes, it seems that they are a HUGE and viable part of your life as in reciprocating with emotions, empathy and LOVE, but the HUGE part is that they are only a façade and you are experiencing their manipulative agenda to pull you into their needy and destructive world! That is a hard concept to wrap your head around because you probably SWEAR that they love you! You believe it so much so that your emotions are wrapped up in this amazing relationship and love AND that is exactly where the Narcissist wants you to be! You just don’t believe it can be anything but love until you are abruptly discarded OR you become wise to the Narcissist’s lies and leave them! But what lies between this love and finally realizing the truth can literally destroy you when you see the truth standing in front of you. It is unfortunate that you never knew about these creatures and this type of abuse so those red flags waving at you made enough sense for you to run for your life before it was too late! But you met a Narcissist and this is what they do and do so well. This is abuse and not a jerk. This is a distorted and cruel creature that puts itself and its needs before everything else even if it means destroying a person to get what it needs!
On a day to day basis, a Narcissist can get supply from their job or career, an organizational connection, religious affiliation, volunteering, specific talent or their particular lifestyle – they need to source out supply EVERYWHERE they can. BUT in every one of these scenarios it is always connected to the attention that the Narcissist receives or pulls in from another person or people! It most often comes from people that are directly connected to the Narcissist’s immediate surroundings like a spouse, child, employee, friend, or co-workers who interact with the Narcissist. But with modern technology and social sites the Narcissist is now able to network easily and cover more ground with their fake and superficial profiles and keep their secrets so well hidden. They use social sites like a politician uses a campaign to get votes! Basically, the Narcissist employs everyone to serve them and everything is based on the Narcissist’s superficial lifestyle. This is all supported by the lies they create to make themselves out to be these charming, moral and amazing people in our world when they are the direct opposite or destructive and cruel monsters in private! They are harvesting supply everywhere they can steal it from.
It is not limited to familiar people in the Narcissist’s life though. A Narcissist will seek out perfect strangers to secure ‘extra’ or ‘more’ supply. This will more than likely be sexual in nature like a one night stand with a perfect stranger. Basically, it amounts to betraying their ‘loving’ partner with their many out-of-control affairs without a concern, care or thought to how they hurt a person they are in a relationship with, after all it is just extra supply for the Narcissist and it serves them. More than often we are ‘none the wiser’ to their torrid affairs and perverted lifestyle. But my point here is that WE are not the only person they source out for supply. We may be the ‘consistent’ and day by day supply, but by far we are not the only one!
If you happen to be the ‘main’ person OR ‘main’ source of supply that the Narcissist draws their attention from, just know that they will do ANYTHING to ensure it keeps coming from you by distorting and deflecting from the real truth until they are done with you. They will fly into a Narcissistic rage if it is removed, diminished or cut off for any reason. They will be absolutely relentless with their manipulation so that they can get EVERYTHING they can out of you by controlling you. Unfortunately, within the manipulation we somehow believe that we are special, or needed, and even loved by the Narcissist. If you’re thinking you must be special to be able to supply something that the Narcissist needs so badly, think again – you are just another source of supply. You are there as a servant and all of that fanfare of them loving you as well as the many promises are part of the huge façade and mask they wear to abuse and extort everyone. There is no ‘special’ person in a Narcissists world – there are only objects!
Anyone – be it a male or female that expresses and type of awe, wonderment, gratitude or praise for the Narcissist’s accomplishments and performance, OR their looks, skills, talent or anything else is readily accepted and pulled into their world. Anyone that expresses complete and unending gratitude for anything/everything the Narcissist has ever done for them, said to them, or told them is also readily accepted and pulled into their world. Also, anyone who expresses sympathy and agreement with the Narcissist’s self-perception that he/she is God’s gift to an undeserving world. Anyone who shows complete adoration and compliments/supports the Narcissist for their amazing mind, body, special spiritual connections, job, car, home, clothing, style, and wisdom, etc. Anyone willing to give up their time, MONEY, attention, or life in order to meet all the Narcissist’s needs. Anyone who will acknowledge that the narcissist is completely entitled, special and above people so much so that they (Narcissist) should not be subject to normal rules, regulations, or laws. Anyone willing to join the Narcissist’s team, and show righteous indignation for his/her suffering, which is FAR greater than most and always undeserved no matter what! Anyone that will join the Narcissist’s battle to destroy people they have intentionally harmed as well as support their destructive agenda. Anyone who shows complete agreement that the Narcissist is so special, misunderstood by the entire world, and under-appreciated. Anyone that is willing to overlook the occasional, or repeated violations and exploitation of them for any reason becomes special and ARE ACCEPTED AND PULLED INTO THE NARCISSIST’S WORLD and become SUPPLY! None of us are better than the next source or previous source, WE ARE ALL SUPPLY period. Everybody is a puppet that the Narcissist manipulates to create their false world. Look to the Narcissist’s past and you will see many puppets they have used/destroyed and then thrown into the garbage after they have served their purpose! The Narcissist even sources out their minions to support that they are innocent in ANY wrong doing so they can bury you alive with more lies or that infamous smear campaign!
One thing that is very important to understand and that is to differentiate between what you believe is love and the reality of the Narcissist’s TRUE agenda. Narcissists will cling to you as their main source of supply as long as you are serving them and giving your all! But the second they find someone with more supply than you offer, they are gone and they have damaged you, your integrity, and your life and extorted most everything that they could get away with. They will leave you in a heartbeat and never look back as well as blame you as being the problem. They will leave their biological children behind as well so they can move on to their next source and a new family and community to support them. These creatures JUST DON’T care because everyone is just an object. Unfortunately, you also loved them and believed in them and somehow thought that if you gave everything you could things would change or perhaps the Narcissist would change! No, they were reaping the benefits of their agenda and game plan and sucking your life dry. THIS is the extent of the relationship with them – that huge image of LOVE that you have spent many years developing with them, pursuing, tendering, holding onto, etc., is what they used to COMPLETELY support their agenda to make sure they were able to tap into you as a source for their SUPPLY. The Narcissist’s manipulation tactics were seamless enough to fool you so COMPLETELY! This is the whole truth in a nutshell that you have to accept as reality even after all the time you put into them. You have to stop believing anything about them AND immediately or they will keep coming back for more because this is what they do, BUT THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE OR STOP ABUSING AND EXTORTING! No/minimal contact to stop the madness, lies, betrayal, destruction, pain, and trauma that has put you in the place where you are today! You are truly an amazing person that can love, that is normal, and all of this was situational and premeditated by a personality disordered person. Greg
Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events, but there are common denominators. There is frequently a violation of the person’s familiar ideas (belief system) about the real world and of their human rights, putting the person in a state of extreme confusion and insecurity. Recovering from a traumatic experience requires that the painful emotions be thoroughly processed. Trauma feelings cannot be repressed or forgotten and should be treated immediately or as soon as there is a realization that you are caught up in the trauma. If they are not dealt with either directly or at any other point in your recovery, the distressing feelings and troubling events replay over and over again in the course of a lifetime, creating this condition known as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Every bad moment in your life will connect you with those negative messages that the Narcissist manipulated you into believing and you will feel those old feelings of worthlessness, fear, and vulnerability. You will always feel like you are not good enough, scared, and indifferent as far as how you see yourself in a world you were once part of, happy and familiar with. Events do not always define you especially negative ones, but sometimes we define ourselves through these events especially after this type of traumatizing abuse. The Narcissist taught/conditioned us to blame ourselves and feel completely worthless – and if that message is still cycling in our heads from this abuse we will let it define us forever. Whatever inner resources people need to mobilize to achieve recovery, they still should not try to accomplish this task alone. Depression and trauma are ‘disconnective disorders’ and they do not improve with isolating ourselves. To fix them you have to be connected to others and accept that there is goodness and real love out there.
A couple other facts about trauma. Intellectually, you lose from 50 to 90 percent of brain capacity, which is why you should never make a decision and why you feel so lost and empty when you are “in the trauma zone.” Emotionally you don’t feel anything, and your old belief systems and spirit is disconnected. Physically all your systems shut down and you run on basics. You are in the ‘fight or flight mode’ or a hyper awareness of always feeling like you are in danger or surrounded by doom and hopelessness. When your system starts to recover, and you can handle a bit more stimulation and energy, THEN real thoughts emerge that will guide you back to reality and help you process the information and start on your road to recovery!
Some important clinical information about the Common Features of PTSD from emotional/psychological abuse. These are consistent symptoms that identify the abuse as a psychiatric injury and different from a mental illness. That is an important differentiation to make so that you don’t internalize a message that says you cannot overcome the effects of the trauma and live with it. The Narcissist is definitely the dysfunctional person in this equation that disabled and traumatized you!
• An overwhelming desire for acknowledgement, understanding, recognition and validation of their experience.
• Fatigue with symptoms similar to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
• Extreme anger from feeling the injustice and almost seeming ‘manic’ instead of motivated for recovery purposes, “obsessive” instead of focused, and “angry” instead of passionate to fix yourself and regain order and reality in life.
• A desire for revenge.
• A tendency to cycle between reconciliation/forgiveness and anger/revenge where objectivity and reality become a causality.
• Feeling extremely fragile, where formerly you were stronger and had a stable character.
• Numbness, both physical and emotional (inability to feel love and joy.)
• Hyperawareness and an acute sense of time passing them by.
• An enhanced and hypersensitive awareness.
• A constant feeling that you have to justify everything you say and do.
• A constant need to prove yourself, even when surrounded by good, positive people.
• An unusually strong sense of vulnerability, victimization or a feeling of persecution!
• Occasional intrusive visualizations connected to an extreme anger.
• Feelings of worthlessness, rejection, a sense of being unwanted, unlikeable and unlovable.
• A feeling of being small, insignificant, invisible, and lost.
• An overwhelming sense of betrayal, and a consequent inability and unwillingness to trust anyone, even those closest to you.
• Depression with occasional sudden bursts of energy accompanied by a feeling of “I’m better!”, only to be followed by a full resurgence of the symptoms a day or two later.
• Excessive guilt about your situation and why you can’t overcome this.
Today I can clearly see that intervention is so vital. Trauma is real and debilitating in situations like this abuse that is born from a hideous betrayal of a person’s spirit and belief system. It can shut you down completely and keep you locked up in isolation because your replaced belief system from the abuse doesn’t trust that there is goodness in life. Sometimes we don’t see this until many years after the fact. This is not recovery, this is living in fear because of a traumatic event and this is what this abuse does. A Narcissist cannot live or survive on their own, they need us (people) to feel alive and be alive, but they are akin to a predator that feeds off of people, erases their personality, and takes their healthy emotions and spirit away from them. We don’t need people to survive, but we want to enjoy people, like them, bond with them, and even love them – and we deserve to be a participant in this wonderful world AND healthy as we once were – THIS IS OUR GOAL with recovery and that is to come back again as a whole person. What this Narcissist forced into your head can be desensitized and you CAN recover completely. It all starts with you and a journey away from the traumatizing reality of what they are and what they have done. You deserve that same love that you gave so freely and unconditionally. It is still there and with self-compassion you CAN and WILL give it back to yourself because you are resilient, and a survivor and YOU are just that amazing to be able to do this. No/minimal contact always! Greg
The most important aspect of understanding a Narcissist and this abuse is how they objectify people and put them in a useful place to serve their every need. This can be anything from the person that is in a romantic relationship with them, friends, a co-worker, a minion to support the Narcissist’s lies, parents, biological children, their ex’s or basically EVERYONE serves a purpose to keep that false mask firmly attached to the Narcissist’s head. We are players in an elaborate stage production that the Narcissist writes and rewrites called “My Delusional Life of Lies.”
YES, we do all have our separate roles! Some of us have primary roles, secondary roles and some have bit parts. But none of us are looked upon as anything more than a reflection of the Narcissist’s needs and we are used to embellish a convincing and FALSE self for the Narcissist to wear, as well as serve them. They really do make the most of their delusional needs with outrageous lies, manipulation, betrayal and the whole nine yards. If we don’t play these roles in the exact manner that the Narcissist basically demands of us we are bullied back into our role or abandoned from the elaborate stage production and even punished. There are always new players added to the production as the Narcissist sees fit, or for whatever opportunity may arise that serves the Narcissist’s delusional world. There is no commitment to any one person at any time or love in the least bit EVEN though it seems that way. The Narcissist is playing everyone from the very moment they meet or come in contact with them AND until the Narcissist sees no further need for this person in their life. YES, this does include having multiple relationships as well and unfortunately we are always the last to know because that mask is firmly cemented onto the Narcissist with abundant charm that is used to divert from the MANY lies, betrayal, and accountability.
This elaborate production runs and is even ‘taken on the road’ with the Narcissist EVERYWHERE as long as it draws huge crowds and pays the Narcissist’s bills (extorting us) and supplies their needs and wants. Once the Narcissist is bored with their production, or the players quit, they completely move on and re-write a new stage production for themselves with brand new characters. BUT they make sure to burn down the theater where their last production took place. Narcissists are only as successful as long as they receive supply from a support network. They are not normal functioning human beings, because their out-of-control needs always harm/destroy, cause havoc and chaos to everyone around them. They destroy lives, and even organizations where they may volunteer, work or be any part of.
Narcissists need to find people they can manipulate, even tricking them into falling in love, but the Narcissist’s version of love involves complete compliance, constant support, admiration, loss of freedom, basically doing everything for the Narcissist as well as dealing with their abuse and a neediness that is beyond words, because they are a non-functional and highly disordered person. Your part in this relationship will NEVER be enough and your commitment to them will destroy your self-worth and well-being. There is never enough any one person could do for a Narcissist because the Narcissist can never feel any sort of gratification because they completely objectify all people or basically use them and their constant need for more and more supply is their addiction and they will trample any person down to get to a new source of that supply WITHOUT a care to the damage they inflict. The basis of any relationship with them is built on all lies and that catches up with them, BUT they will turn the truth around onto their victim and blame and shame them into fear from the retribution of us knowing the real truth about them – that is when that mask comes off and we see the real wrath of this creature. This is the true nature of the Narcissist, a creature that is disconnected from people in this world because they feel omnipotent or rule supreme over everybody else and their connection to any of us is born ONLY OUT OF THEIR NEEDS and not ours. What else could an empty soul offer to any of us if they have no real emotions or empathy.
What this boils down to is that they are by far delusional and dysfunctional and IN DENIAL of just how disordered they are. As long as they have new lies and new supply they shore up their delusions and then move on with a trail of destruction behind them. As nasty as their discard was as well as the smear campaign they are literally running from us to avoid exposure. They are basically cowards that destroy people with hideous lies.
I read a post where a member asked just what we actually grieve, and that really hit a chord with me. Yes, what do we grieve – love? Well there never was love because we were tricked/conned into this and then discarded like a bag of garbage left on the curb. Do we throw out the memories too? Yes, we have to because there were never any real memories, only extreme manipulation and lies to support the ‘big lie and con job.’ What about the biological children and the many years an ex-spouse put into the family. This is the abhorrent reality of this abuse. It is not simply emotional abuse because it shatters families, people, dreams, goals, and normality. This abuse is never singular because it does involve families, friends, co-workers and anyone else close to the target/victim. So, what then do we grieve? Well we deal with a great deal of psychological/emotional damage from a disordered creature that betrayed us in such a horrendous manner so perhaps we grieve the immense loss of a place we once had in life where we felt trust and love because that is now shattered and we are left traumatized trying to believe if we will ever find that place again after this sadistic betrayal that was intentionally inflicted on our lives. What else is there but the truth and it is beyond our capacity to accept any of this yet alone find closure to something we can barely understand or accept because of our natural empathy and love for life. This is exactly what we have to overcome and that is what our recovery and healing is born from or accepting the truth through a strong education to understand that this was abuse as hard as it may be to do so.
Their love never existed it is only the reflection of us and our goodness that they mimic back to us in a manipulating manner to keep us believing in them so they can take more and more. Their actions are no different than physically abusing us. Whether it is a punch to the face or a punch to our mind they are hideous, lying, and destructive creatures. It will take a long time to get past this damage – this is true BUT you can and will heal from this. A hit to the mind is a deep wound that many do not see because it wounds us in so many ways and so difficult to comprehend that someone WE loved could be so malevolent and destructive to actually malign and disable us through a deviant manipulation of using that very love we offered unconditionally. In that I have made amends in my life with this abuse, I remember all too well the damage to myself and my family. I learned early on to voice the truth loudly. I rejected the abuse and kept speaking out and will continue to do this to educate people so they do not stumble through healing by not knowing what hit them. This abuse is hideous and NOBODY deserves the losses associated with what amounts to dehumanization and the complete extortion of lives and love. There is education, strength, and healing in the numbers of people now speaking out about this abuse and a testament to the reality of these abusers and that is where we MUST seek out the support we need. My account as well as everybody else’s story is incredulous, because the damage from this abuse is all too real to individuals and families. Together we have to help each and every person that crosses the threshold of this abuse so that they can recover by understanding the truth and find closure – that is what lights the way for all of us. Together we heal. No/minimal contact to start of a journey to recovery! Greg
There is no reality in any relationship with a Narcissist because there is no REAL with a Narcissist – BUT there is a destructive and manipulative creature that can and will debilitate your heart and mind!
MANY targets/victims of this abuse are unaware that they have been living in what can only be compared to as an active battle zone. Most are unaware what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is or that it is a highly effective abuse from a predator. Victims of Narcissistic abuse over time will display symptoms of trauma, avoidance behavior, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or eating difficulties, irritability, hyper-vigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness, psychosomatic illnesses, self-harming, and even thoughts of suicide. Targets/victims express deep seeded feelings of worthlessness, humiliation, shame, and self-blame. They have been conditioned to take responsibility for the Narcissist’s despicable behavior because they are constantly told they are the source of every problem, worthless and everything is their fault but yet they STILL support, defend, and love the abuser despite what they have gone through.
It ALMOST seems like an addiction or dependency because the abuse creates a toxic and unhealthy environment which in turn creates an unhealthy mind for the target/victim. The psychological abuse is what creates this pattern of ‘Narcissist pleasing’ or ‘walking on eggshells’. Basically, the target/victim becomes dependent on the Narcissist for validation AND the reason behind this is that the silent threat of abuse is always present with the debasing and dehumanizing and it is just too painful for the target/victim AND an automatic coping mechanism against the fear of loss, retribution, overwhelming stress, and the overwhelming pain. Victims avoid the pain because it is so deeply engrained in them and that it is all a target/victim knows from the daily emotional abuse, so like the addict they look for relief, a fix, or the hope that things could turn back to the way they were – unfortunately nothing will ever change and victims COPE or tend to justify many of the problems and basically blame themselves over and over again. It never gets better and the abuse only escalates over time and a new layer is consistently added until the victim is overwhelmed with the many unreconciled layers of this abuse and it BECOMES the victim’s new normal. That love the victim believed in AND trying to reignite or fix was just a mirage that they believed was real, and the Narcissist focused on making them believe as if THEY were a real participant in the relationship – BUT it was a huge CON and just want con artists do. Unfortunately, the Narcissist used a strong emotion (love) to gain our trust and then gain entry into our heart, mind, and life. It is a sadistic betrayal of a person’s emotions and psychological well-being!
This abuse is NOT limited to ‘love’ relationships only. Narcissists can be family members like a mother/father, brother/sister, boss/co-worker, friend/relative or anyone for that matter. Targets/victims are often victimized by more than one person as well because they have only learned or known this dehumanizing abuse for a very long period or all of their lives if they are a child of a Narcissistic parent. They internalize an abusive message that there is something is wrong with them and that they deserve this kind of abuse, and then resign themselves to their fate – they NEVER know real or normal love. Targets/victims may not reach their potential in their personal or professional lives because they always have to stand in the shadow of their abuser(s) – and that is all they have ever known in the case of Narcissistic parents. They learn to live in the shadows without knowing why – and that why was born out of the debasing control from abuse at the hands of a Narcissist.
Victims of Narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something. Their confidence becomes so low that they have trouble making simple decisions, questioning and re-questioning things. This is a result from the emotional and psychological abuse used by Narcissists to erode their self-esteem, instill confusion and anxiety in their victim to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. This is skillfully guided by the Narcissist and it clouds reality with leading statements like “I never said that”, “You are crazy”, or “you are imagining things.” The Narcissist will even step up the game by reinforcing these statements by backing them up with statements from friends, co-workers, or relatives that agree and ARE very concerned about the target/victim.
Gradually, the target/victim will NOT trust their own perceptions and doubt themselves completely. This more than often also induces depression and anxiety – two separate issues that will have to be dealt with as well as the ‘other’ consequences of this hideous abuse. The target/victim is totally broken and unable to trust their own perceptions in life (the ones we take for granted as just knowing what to do in life, etc.,) so they isolate themselves because life is just too confusing and they fear it. The victim now doubts everything about themselves, their thoughts and opinions, their ideas and ideals. Ask yourself here and now if you are experiencing this, maybe it is a feeling of hopelessness, fear, confusion, or just an abnormal sense of life, one where you feel very alone and without a real objective to change or fix this by moving on. Targets/victims will become co-dependent on the abuser for their reality and the Narcissist loves this because that is their goal – TOTAL CONTROL of your thoughts and actions and they are at the steering wheel driving this abuse full forward. Who does this but a highly disordered human being with a dark agenda? Who could take, steal away or destroy any portion of another person’s life for any reason yet alone the agenda of a highly disordered Narcissist that is basically driven by their own hate AND an extortionist as well that wants everything they can take from another human being.
No relationship ever ends in such a shroud of hate and destruction as one that ends with a Narcissist. They annihilate every aspect of the relationship, the person, their life, their family, their friends AND basically everything in a manner to completely disable you/us. Every action and word that comes from a Narcissist is a bizarre attack on your personal reality. It takes you from the goodness and normality that you have had all of your life to a dark place where you now have feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness because EVERYTHING you do is wrong, and you are basically worthless. Even after separation from a Narcissist, the abuse lives on because like a poison it has entered into every cell in your body and in the case of a Narcissistic abuse the poison destroys the mind and reality of their target/victim!
OK – YOU CAN BEAT THIS! You have the ability to unlearn what the Narcissist has conditioned you into believing about yourself and purge the many negative messages out of your mind. That old saying “A horse can be led to water but they can’t be made to drink it” – well lets change that a little bit and say “A horse can be led to water and taste it, drink it and swallow it – BUT it can stop drinking it, walk completely away from it and not only find a better watering hole BUT greener pastures and other fully functioning horses.” You have to do this so that you aren’t stuck in a fog of lies that will only guide your life in a negative and destructive direction. What the Narcissist has internalized in you can be EXTERNALIZED and thrown away. Move yourself away from any level of this abuse by knowing that you and only you can change and find normality and the reality of a better life again. Say no to the Narcissist, say no to the messages in your head that say you are not worthy, SAY NO TO THE ABUSE. Those negative words and debasing actions are only a curse/spell that the Narcissist casts out on the world and it can’t stick if the Narcissist doesn’t have you under his/her spell. Once you have the education that enables you to see the very truth about this abusive Narcissist, you can remove yourself and break the spell. You have the power to govern your own will and what you will do with your life. You have to take all of that power AWAY from the Narcissist and give it back to yourself. Yes of course no-contact – but when you have to have minimal contact use the truth to really see the evil that is standing in front of you and disengage in your mind from any thought, words or actions they send your way because they are like bullets from a gun and meant to harm! You are a resilient and amazing human being with a free will and you can and WILL heal from this abuse – BELIEVE in YOURSELF again! Greg
What is really behind that mask – the one that charmed us, or the one that we fell for OR fell in love with?
A little more education with some of the “proto-types” or descriptions of various avenues the Narcissist uses to control and gain power over us and essentially abuse us:
1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR is skillfully deceptive and very convincing. Avoids accountability by diverting topics, dodging questions, and making up new lies, they bluff or threaten us when questioned. Their memory is self-serving as they deny past statements and even re-write history. Constant chaos and diverting from reality is their chosen environment.
2. THE CON ARTIST agrees to most anything to pull you in, but then turns around and does the direct opposite or NEVER follows up on anything. Marriage, legal, custody agreements, normal social/personal protocol is meaningless. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract breaker always dodging personal accountability for ANYTHING. Enjoys orchestrating legal action, threatening to call the police ALWAYS, and playing the role of the ‘poor me’ victim that is harassed by us.
3. THE ‘CLIMBING LADDER’ NARCISSIST (usually at work) successfully plows and backstabs their way to the top. Their family is a disposable prop in their success facade. They are charismatic, eloquent and intelligent in their field, but often fake their abilities and credentials. Needs to have complete control, relying on their manipulation skills and threats. Will ruthlessly support, exploit or target others in pursuit of their ever-changing agenda. They mercilessly abuse the power of their position. Uses treachery or terrorism to rule or govern. Potential problem or failure situations are delegated to others. They are a vindictive and a bully in the office with no social or personal conscience – they are often suspicious and paranoid. Disappears quickly when consequences surround them. There is low job satisfaction and high rate of employee loss when this Narcissist is present in a work environment, organization, or a group setting.
4. THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Anything, anyone, young, old, male/female, are there for their gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for “rough” or deviant sexuality. Often easily bored, they demand increasingly deviant stimulation with anyone willing, even strangers. However, another behavior exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support. They will project their behaviors onto YOU as in being the “perverse” and deviant one in the relationship and often ACCUSE you of these behaviors to others!
5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. Blames others for their failures and circumstances. A master at projection.
6. THE ANGRY NARCISSIST has a huge ‘chip on their shoulder’ attitude. They lash out and destroy or use others as scapegoats for his/her aggression or revenge. They have poor impulse control. Fearless and guiltless, they show bad judgment. He/she will harass and push to make you pay attention to them and get a reaction. He/she will try to make you look as if you are out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable. Has no remorse or regard for the rights of others.
7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his/her allies and targets separated. They are verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his/her way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often their objective and mostly other people’s money is. He/she is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you isolated and dependent on them but they will act completely independent of you as far as a real commitment or satisfying any of your needs. We rush in to help him/her with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as their proxy interacting with others on their behalf as he/she sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance (triangulation, back-stabbing, smear campaign) he/she is directing.
8. THE SUBSTANCE ABUSER Alcohol, drugs, you name it, and this Narcissist does it. We see his/her over-indulgence in food, exercise or sex and their need for instant gratification or out-of-control habits to satisfy their addictions.
9. OUR PERFECT “SOUL MATE” is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He/she will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He/she seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He/she admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He/she wants to marry us quickly. He/she will fake integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his/her ‘idealization’ of the “us” phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His/her discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. He/she will very much enjoy the double-dipping attention he/she gets by cheating. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he/she attaches to a “new perfect soul mate” (they never are perfect just new supply to abuse.) He/she is an opportunistic parasite. Our “Knight in Shining Armor” or “Perfect Princess” has become our nightmare. Healing is lengthy from this psychological terrorist.
10. THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn, often the “woe-be-me” and sympathy seeking Narcissist. Sometimes they can be a hypochondriac with near life-threatening illnesses used as a means to gain sympathy or always have family members or close friends that have serious health issues also. They use this as a disguise to appear pitiful to obtain whatever they can.
11. THE SADISTIC NARCISSIST. Their objective is watching us suffer as he/she inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty. Their enjoyment is all too obvious. He/she will be back for more. Their pleasure is in getting away with whatever they can especially when someone is vulnerable.
12. THE ‘ANGRY RAGER’ flies off the handle with little or no provocation. Has a severely disproportionate overreaction and childish tantrums. His/her rage can be intimidating. He/she wants control, attention and compliance. In our hurt and confusion, we struggle to make things right. Any reaction is his/her payoff. He/she seeks either good or bad attention. Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name calling, making fun – hatred are his/her objectives. If he/she can get attention by cruelty he/she will do so.
13. THE MANIPULATOR AND BRAINWASHER is very charismatic. He/she is able to manipulate others to obtain status, control, compliance, money, attention. Often, they hide behind religion and or political agendas to look like a caring and moral person. He/she masterfully targets individuals or groups to gain notoriety with their false beliefs.
14. THE RISKY NARCISSIST. Poor impulse control is their hallmark. Failed marriages, relationships, and enemies seem to loom all through their past – but they are always the victim!
15. THE JEALOUS/PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if he/she anticipates exposure or abandonment.
16. THE BLOWHARD AND BRAGGER will flaunt his/her ‘toys’, their children, their wife/husband, his/her credentials and accomplishments. Admiration, attention, even glances from others, our envy or our fear is their prime objective. He/she is never satisfied. We see his/her arrogance and haughty strut as they demand center stage. He/she will alter his/her mask at will to appear pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned, or haughty and superior. Appears to be perfect mother/father, wife/husband, and friend – to those outside his/her home – it is all part of their extreme manipulation. Behind closed doors the monster reveals his/her destructive self.
17. THE EMPATHY FAKER. We learn his/her lack of empathy. He/she has deceived us by his/her cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his/her cold vacant eyes as well as actions. Those closest to him/her become objectified and expendable. Therapy doesn’t help because they can deceive trained professionals.
18. THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST proclaims high moral standing. Accuses others of immorality and the sad aspect of this is that this Narcissist is the most immoral person conceivable. They condemn others for their immoral actions and preach openly about their disdain they have for anyone that acts in this manner. This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes, corrupts, abuses, deceives, controls, manipulates and torments while portraying high morals.
19. THE SUBTLE AND TAUNTING NARCISSIST forewarns his/her targets. Early in the relationship he/she may ‘slip up’ revealing his/her nature saying, “You need to protect yourself around me” or “Watch out, you never know what I’m up to” or “I was at a wild sex party last night.” We laugh along with them and misinterpret his/her words. We find out after the fact or years later that these words were warnings of this Narcissist revealing a LITTLE truth of what they are actually about or very capable of being. It is as if they start us out with a little bit of their taunting to start the debasing process. Really it was a chilling warning and reality!
20. THE “I’M SORRY” NARCISSIST says “I’ve behaved horribly, I’ll change, I love you, I’ll go for therapy, I’m sorry!” Appears to ‘come clean’ admitting past abuse and asking forgiveness. Claims we are at fault and need to change too. The sincerity of his/her words and actions appear convincing. We learn his/her words are verbal hooks to pull us back into the abuse. He/she knows your vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. We question our judgment about his/her disorder. We can disregard “Fool me once.” We hope for change and even minimize past abuse. With a successful retargeting attempt, this Narcissist will enjoy his/her second reign of terror even more if you allow them back in your life.
YOUR DEFENSE STRATEGY – No contact, education about this personality disorder, a group therapy type structure to validate your questions and concerns about your personal situation, professional therapy with a therapist that is educated in this type of abuse (ask for credentials first), support people that will provide unconditional support and love through the recovery process, life-building skills to regain your spirit and self-esteem, setting up personal boundaries to recognize when you are in the presence of toxic people so you can move away from their negative influence, and TIME to properly heal. My Narcissist gets 20 out of 20 – seriously!!! This is their game and the only way out is to stop playing. No/minimal contact! Greg
The SMEAR CAMPAIGN – a silent and preemptive attack to destroy you – understanding what is behind this.
To start off you have to first ask yourself WHY any person would smear your integrity to OTHER people, especially if you were in some sort of reciprocal relationship with them. The why is easy to understand once you are out of the abuse cycle and looking from the outside in or when you start to gain clarity over the situation. So, some fundamental facts:
1. The Narcissist needs to protect themselves from being exposed as the abuser they are.
2. No normal person would enlist other people into a campaign to attack another person that they supposedly loved, cared for, or had any relationship with.
3. Normal people work through things without enlisting friends, family, and coworkers – a relationship is personal between two people – not two people and the whole world. If there were actually the horrendous problems the Narcissist ALWAYS projects then the two people would come to a mutual understanding and either seek help or move on (again in a normal relationship).
4. The Narcissist enlists their soldiers or minions to carry out their ‘smear’ agenda or dirty work to get the word out there that THEY were the victim. There are power in numbers especially against one person (the victim)!
5. The smear campaign is more devaluation through triangulation or backstabbing – it is perfectly crafted to inflict personal damage BEHIND THE BACK of the victim. They will use everything they know about you against you – they are very familiar with your whole life so they can mix bits of truth from that into their hideous lies to SOUND like they know something real!
6. The Narcissist has been doing this all along because they inevitably end up in a situation with every person where the Narcissist’s accountability comes into question so they start a decisive and preemptive attack because they know that the victim is becoming wise to their agenda or abuse and it is time to run!
7. It is meant to disable the victim in a manner to make them more vulnerable. The Narcissist continues to control them with fear and isolation and leaving their destructive message long after the Narcissist has moved on – again to protect the Narcissist from exposure and to keep you stuck in this mind frame.
8. The smear campaign is designed to make listeners shocked in such a manner that they have to stand up and take notice to the allegations and perhaps get involved. In other words they will accuse someone of sexual abuse, physical abuse, or any number of things that could potentially destroy the victim’s reputation and integrity in a horrendous manner.
9. For the victim it is the element of the surprise with a smear campaign and the ‘straw the breaks the camel’s back.’ They walk into a situation that they have no knowledge of and unprepared for the allegations. Usually the smear campaign involves people from the victim’s immediate circle of family, friends, loved ones, coworkers, etc.
10. We ALL have an expiration date, and this is just the final cycle of the abuse the Narcissist utilizes to really silence, traumatize, and disable the victim with extreme fear of more negative retribution.
To sum it up it is just more of the same abusive pattern that the Narcissist creates to further ‘manage down’ the victim or basically destroy them. The devaluation was leading up to the smear campaign as the final step, so the Narcissist could walk away unscathed with the same message to the victim that they were disordered, crazy, the abuser, liar or any number of scenarios. The smear campaign brings this to fruition because the victim is now hearing these same messages coming from the outside world and feeling totally isolated. BAM – that is where the Narcissist drives the abuse straight into the head of their victim. The victim is damned if they do, or damned if they don’t respond. But that Narcissist has driven more of their abuse into the victim and disabled them even more through enlisting other people to fight their delusional battle or divide and conquer. The negative messages that the Narcissist has been manipulating the victim with throughout the entire relationship start replaying in the victim’s head once more, the victim is worn down and vulnerable, their emotions also come into play, now they are faced with this smear campaign, and more than likely the discard as well, and they become isolated, traumatized and silenced. Psychological rape and terrorism from a very shrewd, destructive and disordered creature or a Malignant Narcissist! The normal evolution of this abuse is described in three cycles – idealize, devalue and discard. I am adding a fourth cycle which is the final blow to destroy the victim and that is traumatization through the smear campaign! This traumatization doesn’t go away with simple words that basically describe the hideous actions – it requires a strong healing to achieve clarity and time to heal first and then see it from a healthy perspective. But at least understanding the process plants the seed into a victim/target’s head to start moving forward, and that starts with no/minimal contact. ALWAYS remember that YOU are the healthy person here and this was situational from the abuse that was administered from a Narcissist! You ARE an amazing person and you CAN beat this! Greg
Once a Narcissist latches onto you and your world, ‘GAME ON!’ You will be on an emotional and psychological roller coaster ride that will make your reality so dizzying that all you can do to save your life is to jump off of that roller coaster and hope for the best when you land on your feet.
A Narcissist’s world is completely EXTERNAL as far as satisfying all of their needs – there is NO internalized emotions, bonding, caring or loving – you and I and every other person are objects to accomplish this! There is absolutely no motivation on the Narcissist’s part as far as any concern with anyone else’s well-being – we are only a functional object to supply their every need. This is what makes them dangerous and yes even defined by some as, bad, evil or any other number of things – but whatever we use to describe this personality disorder, they are unsafe for human interaction PERIOD!
Do they see themselves as any of this? Very unlikely because of the extreme denial they are in! Remember that they have created and justified every aspect of their self-serving and fake reality. The destruction and wrong doing they perpetrate is an outcome of their righteous and delusional cause. They have contorted this distorted and delusional behavior into that charm or fake goodness and that ‘love’ to con, trick, and manipulate unsuspecting people into their trap of deceit and destruction because it benefits them and provides them with every fulfillment they crave and can’t get normally. It provides them with supply and they go for it, steal it, or manipulate it away from whomever they can. Supply is their drug of choice and they are addicted to it and will do anything to get their next fix JUST like an addict. This is a pattern that repeats itself with them their entire life. They have completely tweaked their life and reality to accomplish this to serve their every need and for their entire life.
Malignant Narcissism isn’t about an everyday variety of selfishness or just dealing with a jerk, but better described as a pathological and all-consuming selfishness. They create an image or a fake reality to lure us into their world and take everything they can from us. It is a selfishness that will destroy anything that gets in its way if it is not served completely and fully AND even that is not enough because they will want more and other varied sources.
The Narcissist needs MANY mirrors to accomplish their fake reality, or to be substantiated and validated to survive or better yet a “host” or MNY ‘hosts.’ This is what we clinically call “getting supply”. They create this false reality so they can survive and we substantiate it by believing what we see standing in front of us as a real human being full of compassion and empathy. We are that mirror that he/she plays to. Narcissists pose in front of their mirrors (or us) to get the desired reflection back – it is deception to win us over and to get at that supply. When you show looks of interest, admiration, fear, or concern, they are basking in their reflected self or better yet their insubstantial self. But this reflection isn’t just to see themselves as a “good” or “normal” person – that is the con or disguise – it is a means to an end to exploit what they can from us. They need to be a part of society, but they can’t fit in without re-defining themselves and hiding the loathsome monster they are. They lack the mechanism that normal people seem to be born with and grow with – empathy and unconditional love. Without their fake reality the Narcissist would remain as a lonesome and loathsome creature that hides under rocks and they couldn’t find any supply there – so they come equipped with many disguises.
Their false image/reality is created ONLY as a working component to hide their pathological and dysfunctional life and to make them seem functional, loveable, important or whatever to get to us. They cognitively create a “special” image for each of us. They need YOU/US to accomplish this. They need you/us to hold up the mirror for them. They aren’t looking at us for anything but as a reflection of their needs. We don’t exist as a person to them, we are only their supply. They are like a parasite that takes what they need with a single thought or benefit for any singular need we have because we are the host. If you cease giving them what they want they will move on to a better host. They are completely heedless of their tremendous and all-consuming need of people to accomplish their unending NEEDINESS.
Narcissist stalk their prey as a predator does and we have to see this as the truth about them as defined by their intent to feed off of us and not view them through the charm or fake love because that was the predatory act that trapped us in the first place. To define this in more practical terms a Narcissist must do so because their intentions are malevolent and absolute – they need us to survive. Seriously if we would have known this it would frighten any source of supply away. If the target could easily discern the true nature and insatiable lusts and intent to drain/destroy them they would run for cover and literally for their life. So the Narcissist transforms themselves into the best and most luring bait to trap their next victim. They are very adept at making and wearing masks thriving on appearances because they have no positive substance and without it nobody would find them anything but the despicable characters they are. This describes a predator that camouflages itself to obtain prey.
We are only objects to the Narcissist and we are there for one reason and that is to serve them. They refuse (again, conscious choice) to see our humanity and the basic rights that come along with that humanity. We are nothing more than an object for their use. They abide by no law earthly or heavenly. Their world is completely EXTERNAL. When done, they cast you/us aside. People who believe that the Narcissist really loves them are tragically deceived by the many lies that compromise the Narcissist in their lives. The Narcissist NEEDS a vast and varied reservoir of love, compassion and concern, or complete admiration and adoration in EVERY facet of their lives.
The malignant Narcissist is absolutely incapable of the true emotion of love for any other human being period. You can never successfully deal with a Narcissist if you believe they love you in any real way. They need and use us, but need is not love. A Narcissist’s “need” is the need that will take with no concern as to whether their taking is destroying you or even killing you, AND it is all consuming. Beneath their thin veneer is the reality of a non-functioning human that uses us as a host to take away our life force. They will malign ALL people and will even use their own biological children as supply and inflict harm onto them as well. We must understand this and accept it to break that bond we THOUGHT was love so we can move forward to recovery. You were chosen because of your amazing qualities that they wanted, and they mean to take what they can from you. YOU are resilient and have the ability to move forward to recovery and be that person you once were, but you MUST break that hypnotic spell that they cast onto your emotions that poisoned your heart and mind first! No/minimal contact is the only way to break this symbiotic relationship with them – cut off the supply and The Narcissist will move on and away! Greg