Category Archives: Narcissism
We must be able to recognize that this relationship was not based on love or care/friendship, but upon control tactics (fear, shame, and guilt), unmet emotional needs, dysfunctional dependency, brainwashing, betrayal, constant managing down and projection from the Narcissist to accept all of the blame – or emotional and psychological ABUSE!
We must be able to recognize that this relationship was not based on love or care/friendship, but upon control tactics (fear, shame, and guilt), unmet emotional needs, dysfunctional dependency, brainwashing, betrayal, constant managing down and projection from the Narcissist to accept all of the blame – or emotional and psychological ABUSE!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
WE have bought into the lies that this Narcissist has told us! “No one will ever love you as much as me.” “You’ll never find anyone as wonderful as me.” “You’re crazy if you think anyone else would want you.” “You don’t know how lucky you are that I put up with you.” “You owe me after everything I did for you.” GUESS WHAT they believe this BS and nonsense because they are disordered and damaged and have created this false persona that supports their delusions and failures. They leave a trail of destruction that goes way back to the first days they were able to speak. We were managed down to accept these lies hook, line, and sinker and sadly pair the brainwashing with an exceedingly small handful of good memories and somehow, we hung onto this. This brainwashing was an immensely powerful and distorted belief that kept us from moving on and then disables us AFTER THE FACT making it difficult to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone new AND WITH OURSELVES.
Despite the relentless abuse, rage episodes, mind games, projection, gas-lighting, and demoralization, SOMEHOW, we believe we are still in love with these Narcissists on some level and possibly feel we will always love them. These messages continuously play behind all our attempts to reach closure and YES through our recovery. This is part of the recovery, and we must live it and resolve it too! This attitude or thought process is evidence of how the emotionally abusive Narcissist brainwashes or programs their targets to keep believing in them. It is akin to an addiction, and our addiction became this Narcissist because of their negative conditioning that made us try to fix our situation with them and make this a cohesive relationship once more. A drug alters our mind when we ingest it and brainwashing and programming/conditioning from a Narcissist ALSO alters our mind when we ingest and internalize their messages coupled with the emotional abuse they inflict. Like an addict that will continually justify their returning to the drug of choice EVEN though it is damaging their mind and life and is basically destroying them because the addiction message keeps the addict going back. That message is also in us and more like a distorted dependency that causes us to relapse until we desensitize it completely. The message has altered our mind to believe in the Narcissist against all the odds and truth that they are bad for us. In time with education and support we will deprogram this message and be desensitized to it. But we have to always be cognizant of the fact that the message was conditioned or programed into our subconscious, and we must destroy it so it doesn’t start replaying itself or we will fall backwards into the abuse pattern again. Love is a powerful emotion and that is what this Narcissist used in this conditioning to gain our trust and keep us believing in them.
It is a fact of life that it takes time to grieve the loss of a significant relationship and that includes normal and ABNORMAL ones. No matter how abusive your Narcissist is/was, you still need to mourn the loss because it was portrayed as normal to you (just more of the brainwashing.) This may be confusing because ending a relationship with an abuser should ultimately feel like an act of liberation and freedom, but for many it is also experienced as a huge loss. It is not the reality of the loss of the monster Narcissist, but the loss of the fantasy image that was constructed in your head by the ‘love bombing’ agenda. You are only wishing back a mirage that never existed. In reality this is just a false image that had very few fleeting moments of real sanity. The man or woman as well as the relationship you loved, and miss do not exist! What exists and remains in your mind is the ‘what ifs,’ or if I only did this, that or what not, or worked harder to fix this’ THEN everything would have been OK. That is just DENIAL of the real truth that is was all lies and manipulation.
Add up all of those ‘what ifs’ and look at them closely. For example, “if only he/she were not so crazy,” or “If only he/she weren’t so cruel,” or “If only he/she wasn’t such a liar,” or “if only he/she wouldn’t have cheated,” Or “if only I would have tried harder to make this work.” None of that is realistic because no person should feel inclined to take blame for such outrageous justifications! There or no “ifs” when somebody is sadistic and dehumanizes you and your reality – only the truth that it was abusive.
Now think about what you could do to help them or what you have already done so many times to correct all the problems. Now put a spin on the real perspective that the Narcissist feels omnipotent and superior, follows no rules or laws in life, lies, manipulates, etc. Will this Narcissist all of a sudden turn over a new leaf because you are hurting and haven’t, they hurt you many times before? WELL, even when this Narcissist is hurling the most abusive poison at you, in their mind, they believe that they are being magnanimous for pointing out the error of your ways, so you can improve yourself and be the person THEY DESERVE. In their mind, you should be grateful that they take time from their busy schedule to criticize, abuse and be condescending to you. When they cheated on you it is because you deserved it for not meeting their every need and they justify it as being your fault that they had to find WHAT THEY NEEDED elsewhere. They see nothing wrong with it, or that they lied to cover it up, BUT you better never do the same thing to them. By the way, factor into this equation just what is it that you did wrong in the first place? Nothing! The sun rises and sets on them. They create all the rules and never abide by any of them. This is what a Narcissist does – AVOIDS reality and allow themselves the freedom to do anything they want at will because they are completely entitled to do so no matter how it may harm somebody else EVEN their own biological children! Also remember they are NOT wired with empathy, they cannot bond, love, or even care about people – all their needs come from EXTERNAL stimulation or objectifying people to use them. So how do we fix any of that? We DON’T.
You DON’T bargain with someone so that they treat you better. Being treated with kindness, decency, consideration, respect, and acceptance should be a prerequisite for an intimate relationship (or any relationship,) not something you are rewarded with by meeting one (or many) of the Narcissist’s unreasonable demands or if the Narcissist is trying to manipulate you into fulfilling their agenda by making you a source of supply. Either a person is capable of a reciprocal relationship, or they are not. It does not matter what you do or how nice, patient and understanding you are with a Narcissist. They are what they are or a controlling, cruel, abusive, emotional predator, and bully. You cannot appease a bully or persuade them to be nice to you. If you do, they will only see you as weak and bulldoze you more and that is what the Narcissist does in the devaluation stage. This predator will always devalue and discard EVERY person that has some sort of relationship with them. They are omnipotent and superior in their own minds. They are damaged, dysfunctional, and destructive abusers – but you will NEVER get them to see this or admit to it.
The whys that you reacted as you did to this Narcissist are personal to you just as they were personal to me, BUT you must get to them so you can move forward with new boundaries! You have to stay on course every day with some kind of support like you are in a recovery program with strong objectives and follow this path completely to recovery. There are many online support sites to accomplish this. You must accept that when you fall down that you have to get right back up with a new lesson. You also have to stay on course with the truth that this was abuse. You have to deprogram those messages that keep playing in the back of your mind that this was real love, and you can fix this. You must get back to reality, and the way you use to live and love life – AND you will because you know that way of life! YOU ARE THE HEALTHY AND AMAZING PERSON HERE and have the ability to make healthy changes once you deprogram the old messages. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
A deeper examination of why Narcissists attack: Backstabbing, smearing, and dividing to conquer! So VERY important to understand WHY they do this and that is to avoid exposure that THEY are ABUSERS! Backstabbing and smearing – the Narcissist’s pre-emptive attack on our lives. FIRST, because we all have an expiration date with them – so they must implement an escape plan that will give THEM the cover to run. Second (with the ‘first’ in mind) they MUST – destroy you and I so they avoid ANY accountability or exposure for being abusive to us.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
Many, if not all Narcissists get away with psychological terrorism and they murder their targets self-esteem, mind, and soul – it is part of their agenda after they have gotten all that they came for. Be it bullying, slander, or abuse, they are all things that should be prosecutable offenses and they do this all of their lives. So just how do they get away with it all without any consequences AND why do people believe them? WELL, first off because the Narcissist KNOWS that they are creating outrageous and dehumanizing acts against people and humanity, so they also think up ways to avoid the consequences, especially because of what they fear the most – EXPOSURE!
The big plan! That shrewd Narcissist destroys the victim’s credibility in advance. They are by far NOT geniuses, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you want to get away with abusing someone, you first launch an effective pre-emptive attack on their character, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when the truth finally starts emerging that they (target/victim) were abused. Here is the formula for the Narcissist to be successful at this – abuse and then accuse your target/victim of the very atrocity the Narcissist has committed and BOOM you are on top of your game to escape the exposure. They have been backstabbing/smearing us behind our backs from the very first day that we met them – but we were very distracted by the ‘love bombing’ and growing trust with this creature – just us being a normal and empathic human being. Meanwhile that dark Narcissistic creature was just plugging us into their cycle of abuse and building up their minions, flying monkeys or Narcissistic support soldiers.
So, people believe the monster first. The more preposterous the Narcissist’s accusations, the more firmly people believe them because they got there first spreading their poisonous lies! It is like when a child comes forward with accusations of abuse, people are going to (or basically must) believe the child to get to the truth about the allegations. Any and all preposterous accusations will always yield strong attention to the subject matter because you just can’t walk away from such a dangerous and damaging situation without offering support because it would seem if the person listening didn’t care or lacked the empathy to help the lying Narcissist out. Just the shrewd monster acting out their destructive agenda.
The disordered narcissist commits moral mayhem by destroying the victim’s reputation and credibility, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when they start to tell the truth. Truthfully, this description of mayhem that the Narcissist used to destroy the target/victim’s integrity is purely projection, so the Narcissist gets a bonus by dumping their demons onto us as well! Thus, with the Narcissist this pre-emptive backstabbing and smear campaign, allows the narcissist to reduce the target/victim to such a vulnerable and helpless state that it compounds the abuse at the highest level by accusing the target/victim of being the abuser as well. Remember that the Narcissist used the ‘familiarity’ of knowing us personally to ‘be in the know’ about many of our situations and that familiarity will yield semi-valid but distorted ‘personal’ connections to events and other people. In other words, their smear campaigns will be laced with small bits and pieces of a distorted truth that listeners can relate to.
So, what a Narcissist puts into motion is pathologically treating us like dirt and maligning us behind our backs to control and destroy us. They are predators that are pre-loaded with delusion, psychopathy, and abuse. This seriously puts Narcissists in their own special class with Psychopaths or like a branch from the same Psychopath tree. The class of people who do not wish you or any other human being any sense of well-being, no matter what or how friendly, caring or loving their façade is. This is the same class of predators as physical, sexual or ANY other kind of abusive predator and Narcissists are just as dangerous. Seriously we MUST internalize Narcissists really are predators and dangerous, but many people just do not appreciate the true meaning or the reality of Narcissistic abuse basically letting it in one ear and out the other as the saying goes!
So, if you get to know a Narcissist’s history, you will usually see a track record of destruction followed by mysterious upheavals in their life – but the Narcissist will lie and blame every other person and citing every possible excuse they can. Truth be told the coward ran in the other direction because the good people (past targets/victims) started comparing notes and got the disordered Narcissist’s number, became enraged and exposed the truth. Narcissists really keep their past separated from the present and the future. Never be silent about this abuse because too many people have been harmed by these creatures – even their own biological children and family. If they are forced out of the darkness, and made accountable for their actions, they would be forced to stop their abuse or run like the cowards they really are. No/minimal contact always to end the madness! Greg
SHUT, NO SLAM THAT DOOR COMPLETELY: A Narcissist will NEVER come back in good faith, changed, or because they care or love us – NO they still see potential supply from us.
SHUT, NO SLAM THAT DOOR COMPLETELY: A Narcissist will NEVER come back in good faith, changed, or because they care or love us – NO they still see potential supply from us. JUST SAY NO! Probably one of the most confusing and difficult things we all face when being involved with a Narcissist, is the crazy making ‘painful’ cycles of breaking up, followed by the HIGH’s of making up. Unfortunately, it is an inevitable process that comes along with being involved in a Narcissistic Relationship!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist
Many targets/victims always get caught up with the chaos and hurt of the Narcissist leaving you, only to return to the relationship? So, the big question of WHY and WHAT would possess a Narcissist to hurt you so deeply, only to come back on bended knee, and beg for forgiveness? ALSO why does a Narcissist spend so much time trying to convince you to give them another chance, only to revert to their cruel and abusive ways after they realize you have forgiven them ONCE again recommitted to them? Furthermore, how can a Narcissist change like the weather AND not show ANY shame or remorse?
The reality is that most victims want to believe this behavior is based upon the Narcissists real and genuine desire of wanting to be with them and wanting the relationship to work! The sad truth is that a Narcissist only returns to the relationship to get a quick fix of supply, drama, chaos, or whatever serves them to keep CONTROL over you and to feed their addiction to constant supply.
It will resemble the ‘love bombing’ we experienced in the beginning of the relationship where the Narcissist puts on a great act and uses their best performance to lure you back in and win you over! BUT almost immediately you will notice a drastic change in the Narcissist’s behavior again, and you will be reliving the cycles of abuse again or the idealization and devaluation stages! This becomes an ongoing process that continues, even during the breakup stages! It is insanity for sure because it will never change until the Narcissist moves on to new supply!
So basically, once you validate the Narcissist AGAIN by responding to him/her in any way, shape or form, The Narcissist has got his/her hold on you as well as a fix and the Narcissist will just move on to the next and the next best fix or high. Finding supply is just an ongoing thing with Narcissist because they need it like we need oxygen and there is no limit to who or what they use for supply. BUT remember this if you remember anything, you are not anything to them no matter how much you love them or believe they love you! You are only one optional source of supply that they invested in for a certain period of time.
This is the VERY reason that targets/victims MUST remember that while we may feel some source of relief or renewed security by the Narcissist’s change of heart, the minute you take them back, and the minute the Narcissist realizes that they have you again, they will immediately revert back to their old cruel behavior and abusive agenda. You must accept that it IS psychological abuse with all their mental mind games, and the ONLY reason a Narcissist continues to come back is to ensure that they still have you right where they want you and to fill in the blanks as it concerns having a constant source of supply!
ALSO, when a Narcissist is experiencing withdrawal from not having enough Narcissistic Supply they will immediately go into the pursuit mode coming back with the goal of winning you over once again – but they are only recycling us until they secure new supply again. A Narcissist does not and cannot be alone, they constantly need supply or someone to validate them. NO contact and always keep it that way! Greg
You are Worthless, you have Issues, you are the source of EVERY problem- it is always you, you, YOU!! CONTROL is power to the Narcissist! REMEMBER the person that is behind these words is personality disordered and abusive and THRIVES on harming you.
The Narcissist’s singsong anthem that they use to diminish and manage down ALL their targets/victims AND the very core of emotional and psychological abuse. You are Worthless, you have Issues, you are the source of EVERY problem- it is always you, you, YOU!! CONTROL is power to the Narcissist! REMEMBER the person that is behind these words is personality disordered and abusive and THRIVES on harming you.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
One of the most obvious signs of malignant narcissism is the way they constantly malign others. Narcissists manipulate in a manner to control their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing, and perverted manner to EVERYTHING! They are constantly remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider that ANY relationship or love should never hurt a person nor take them down a road of emotional and psychological destruction. Ultimately care or love can make us sad when we lose someone special but that is the reality of unconditional love when someone near to us is suffering, or we lose them completely – and that is grieving a REAL connection between two normally functioning people.
Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist is emotional and psychological abuse MEANT to intentionally harm and damage a target/victim that the Narcissist has chosen as their prey – it by no means is anything near a conventional and loving relationship. Real love grows and does not diminish another person’s spirit. Always remember that the love that you felt for this person was as much a part of the psychological abuse (love bombing) as was the devaluation stage. This was all the tools of the Narcissists trade – brainwashing, extreme manipulation, gas-lighting, pathological lying, hideous betrayal, many sexual partners, etc., or the cycle of abuse with a Malignant Narcissist.
In my situation, every very day was just a new day and new lies. Every day was just a little bit more managing down to take one more piece of my life away. Every day was just one more day to backstab me and smear my integrity to the very people I loved in my life. Every day were more incredulous stories to make me believe. Every day was a cover up story to hide this Narcissist’s perverted life of lies. Every day was one more day that this Narcissist used to ultimately destroy me because this Narcissist knew I would stop believing in them because my (and your) individuality will always come into the reality and set us free. A narcissist is a dictator that demands complete control over their world and people.
When I look back at the time, I spent with my Narcissist it is so clear to me that all of this manipulation and the pathological lies were the only aspect about this Narcissist that was real. I was embarrassed to see how I believed all the outlandish lies and stories but like everyone else here I was brain-washed and managed down BUT I want to believe that I am a strong person. What does that say – Narcissists are experts at their mind games AND our love blinded us many times and FAILED us too! Was I just that desperate and needy? No, the Narcissist is just that desperate and needy and they will do WHATEVR they can to employ their manipulative and destructive actions to brain-wash a person even if it destroys the very person they use! I pity my Narcissist’s new target(s) that is out there dancing like such a fool to the music this Narcissist plays. They are only blinded by the lies and love-bombing, but that inner voice is talking to them and telling them something is not quite right there – their actions speak louder than words.
They EXPLOIT your precious human emotions to make themselves seem human. They use this information to establish a strong foundation to create what seems like an intimate and healthy relationship. And again, as to the ‘why’ because they are biologically the same as you and I and they NEED the same things that you and I need like air, food, water, human bonding, sexual attention, money, and everything else but they are not a fully functioning human being. Put that shark next to you (with its mouth wired shut) and it still could not successfully fit into any aspect of your life and achieve even one these needs and survive in our world BECAUSE it is a terrifying and hungry predator. The shrewd Narcissist just cleverly disguises themselves by fitting in and becoming the best little boys or girls in the world! Just a quick note and some of my bad humor, Narcissists should also have their mouths wired shut because their words are poisonous, and they are just as destructive and deadly as that sharks’ teeth! Communication is their tool to manipulating, controlling, and extorting their prey.
REMEMBER THIS TOO – This abuse is NOT limited to ‘love’ relationships only. Narcissists can be family members like a mother/father, brother/sister, boss/co-worker, friend/relative or anyone for that matter. Targets/victims are often victimized by more than one person as well because they have only learned or known this dehumanizing abuse all their lives. They internalize that something is wrong with them and that they deserve this kind of abuse, and then resign themselves to their fate. Targets/victims may not reach their potential in their personal or professional lives because they always must stand in the shadow of their abuser(s) – and that is all they have ever known in the case of Narcissistic parents. They learn to live in the shadows without knowing why – and that why is the debasing control from abuse at the hands of a Narcissist
Hindsight unfortunately is 20/20 as they say, so you must experience their deception and abuse to understand exactly what I just said. It is not something anyone should experience because the destruction reaches the very core of your heart, soul, and mind.
We must remember and ACTUALIZE this truth about their mechanics just like we understand the predatory shark. If you think back to the Narcissist’s behaviors, charm, and unrequited love they professed, something was not quite right. We could not put our finger on it, but we knew something was off and WRONG. Their performance was always overly exaggerated or plain flat, but it was never just quite right. BUT you always responded by caring and loving them more and they returned it with more abuse – that is subjugation, dehumanization, and torture when all is said and done.
Chart a course through new oceans – and yes there will be these nasty sharks still swimming all around us, but you will learn how to navigate through the treacherous waters with new boundaries, but your goal is to find your way back to safe land and get your feet firmly placed back into a real life by moving away from their control. This can only be accomplished through breaking the spell (that love) and denying its existence every single time it sends you a twinge to want it back. What you will always get back is more abuse and lost time. You have the ability to change but you must overcome every single thought that will return you to that bad place where you think this love was real, it wasn’t it was ABUSE. There is real love out there and you can find it again because you are strong and awesome, and you are here today to prove it.
The answer is complete awareness or accepting the truth we know. Next educating ourselves about this pathological Narcissist that depends on us believing their big lie to gain our trust that opens the doors for them to extort our world. Slam that door shut and lock it forever. No/minimal contact is the ONLY way out. Greg
It is so important to understand this completely! Put aside what you BELIEVED was real with this person because there was NOTHING real about them except for what you were conned into believing – especially that they cared for you or loved you. Instead BELIEVE what your intuition told you that something was wrong and go beyond that and believe everything was wrong and the miracle here is that you are free from them and in time with introspection and grieving the abuse, you will see a clear picture of just how repulsive they really are. This is YOUR time to empower yourself with the truth and return to a chaos and abusive free life. DISCARD them completely from every aspect of your life you can and be free to grow again.
SO, now who and what they really are! There is no “one” real person inside of the Narcissist that is fully functioning or normal but instead there MANY made up facsimiles of people they imitate to cover up their dark reality to give them a superficial façade and the ability to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people. They are biologically human beings with needs, and they look like us and basically even act like us BUT they do not THINK like we do and eventually that façade fails them and us. Narcissists do not make internal connections to people or bond, so they can only respond to external stimulation or the supply they continually seek out so basically you are an object. So, you cannot try to relate to them or understand them through the real empathy and unconditional love or reasoning that apply to normal people. They are NOT like you, or I so you cannot relate to them as if they are!
Seems complicated so how do they do it? When they meet you, they will carefully access so many parts of your life and morph right into you as if they are your twin – and WOW you have so much in common. SO, it naturally follows that there is no proper internal mechanism that exists or functions as it relates to a Narcissist having a normal and functioning ‘personality’ that can relate in a healthy manner with the outside world and the people in it. The reality that seems to exist (and I am very loosely using that word reality) is a thin veneer or skin that is like a mask or costume they CREATE and wear that corresponds with their needs at any given moment – and their needs are many! Their façade is very interchangeable as well, so it completely fools the rest of the world and protects the Narcissist from being EXPOSED as dark, envious, and loathsome person that they are.
You have probably heard this many times and I will repeat it once more – they are like a chameleon that is able to change the color of its skin to match its environment and they are amazingly adept at this. The Narcissist disengages or detaches from their dark inner self and recreates an image to wear for the public or their immediate world. This image is constantly projected to essentially allow themselves to ‘fit in.” Of course, it is a good and likeable image that is very interchangeable AND even described as very charming but remember it was designed to camouflage themselves – and there you have it a different person for every different ‘need’. Personally, I would describe them as seductive because they are con artists that are after something they need. That ‘need’ is usually to trick their targets and use them as ‘Narcissistic Supply’ and just a major component of their survival. Basically, their functioning image is the biggest lie that this extortionist uses in their arsenal of deceit or ABUSE. Or as my friend said ‘compartmentalization’ – they compartmentalize us to fit the many different and exacting needs they have for each of us. Remember Narcissists are in every facet of life – be it a family member, a friend, a co-worker, perhaps a priest or preacher, attorney, doctor, next door neighbor, etc. Also remember that supply isn’t just limited to romantic relationships – if you have something they need or want, or they can better their social status by being in your company, or benefit by an association with you, they will be right there at your side getting whatever they are after. Once they have gotten it, they are gone and if you ever tried to make them accountable – YOU are gone as well.
So, there is no real person there just a needy void looking for surrogate to supply them what they cannot achieve on their own – or you and I – now that is pretty messed up! The relationship with yourself, or the one that requires a conscience, morals, empathy, a soul, etc., is a pretty important relationship to be lacking COMPLETELY, and pretty much a requirement or prerequisite to being a functioning human being and living life NORMALLY as well as interacting with others. If you do not relate to your own self or your life in a healthy matter, how can you relate to anyone else in a ‘healthy manner OR any manner for that matter?’ JUST MY POINT – a Narcissist lacks the mechanisms needed to be a ‘fully functioning human being’ so they invent what they need as they go along in life, and we play along or join in unknowingly with their toxic and destructive game while they run off with all the goods. Basically, EVERYONE is here to supply them OR fulfill their every need, be it financially as in a career, sexually to fulfill their physical needs, familial so ‘they’ have a proper ‘face’ to appear ‘normal, moral and ethical’, friends to help them shore up their façade and believe their ‘lies’, or whatever they can harvest and use from people to fill in the huge VOID that they are. None of us serve anything more OR are more than a “bit part” in the Narcissist deranged and disordered life. We function to serve a specified need the Narcissist has at a specific time, AND they have multiple relationships going on to secure all the supply they can get – but we are none the wiser!
We are so much better than this abuse, we deserve so much more than this abuse, we deserved the truth and all we got were complete lies with this abuse, we deserve a real life and NOW we can have this once we get them out of our life and never look back at what was and instead use the truth to move forward with what is – THEY were emotional/psychological rapists and terrorists – NEVER forget this! Lastly the most important thing is that you survived this because you are here today and still standing, gaining all the knowledge and clarity to move forward. No/minimal contact! Greg
Narcissists do not connect with YOU, your thoughts, or your words – AND they are very aware of this and their actions!
Narcissists do not connect with YOU, your thoughts, or your words – AND they are very aware of this and their actions! Let us unpack what these Narcissists are all about! I am going to try to get into the head of the Narcissist for you to see the distorted reality of what is really going on in there. This would be a good article to share with people that do not understand what this abuse is about or what a narcissist does to people.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist.
Narcissists ALWAYS tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions. In turn they will accuse and blame others to divert attention away from themselves and the truth. A Narcissist will refuse to accept the perspective of any human being, but they will irrationally defend their own distorted/delusional position and lies as well as force you into accepting them as reality and the end result is that you discard or dump YOUR normal and healthy reality. Narcissists always make people feel that they MUST please them.
They cunningly access and withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing because it gives them the ability to control and manipulate future events. A Narcissist will slowly but surely erode their target/victim’s reality, self-esteem, and spirit! Narcissists completely avoid and NEVER acknowledge the feelings of others, yet they will often bring up how their emotions are being affected and how WE do not respect or honor their needs. They are eternal victims and NOTHING you do is worthy of meeting their needs. “We JUST don’t love them enough.”
They will slight a target/victim or perhaps make them accept digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the Narcissist to say they were just kidding while still being abusive and hurting the target/victim.
Narcissists will completely change the subject to divert attention back onto themselves. You could be talking to them about a serious matter, and it will be dismissed in moments, so the Narcissist has all the attention right back where they feel it belongs – ON THEM. Or they will BULLY you with shouting, dismiss you, and walk away. You never feel that anything about you is important enough for consideration by the Narcissist and you are right!
Narcissists make others feel worthless to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the miserable level of the Narcissist. They always threaten or hint of some form of punishment that they will inflict if YOU don’t do exactly what they are asking or accept what they are saying. THEN of course they will reinforce this with blame as if you did something that deserves their actions and disdain. They will dismiss you completely and silence you. YOU CAN NEVER MEET ANY OF THEIR EXPECTATIONS!
They will be cold, quiet, and distant, then deny that anything is wrong, but it feels as if they ARE angry. But you cannot access what it is so you will have no sense of what is going on to help you feel at ease with them. On the flip side there will be inappropriate emotional outbursts to also distract attention, confusing their targets/victims and shifting blame for something you AGAIN have no real sense of. You are ALWAYS left feeling like you are walking on those infamous eggshells with them or always confused and feeling conflicted as to a cohesive reality with them!
Narcissist ALWAYS try to control others to domineer and limit freedom of expression/speech or individuality. Again, controlling the environment around them with confusion, chaos, bullying and negativity. They are ALWAYS instilling fear or retaliatory punishment for anyone that does not comply with their EVERY wish. They will also deny you ANY success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling you out or basically placing you in the category of a loser and not worthy of proper recognition. Their word is the FINAL word always! A target/victim could have accomplished something so worthy of recognition and the Narcissist will never respond with a supportive word or a congratulation, instead they will minimalize the entire accomplishment OR even find fault in it. They will put a handle on any positive situation to make you doubt your achievement of success. They continually manage people DOWN!
Narcissists always forget commitments and promises purposely because there was nothing real behind their words in the first place – just more of their manipulation to keep you believing. They will even deny that they promised to do something to try to make you believe you are imagining things.
Narcissists will take advantage of any vulnerability using shame, guilt, and fear to make a target feel worthless by highlighting simple insecurities they may have. This could even be done in a manner where the Narcissist will make fun of the target/victim’s physical attributes in a cruel overt manner.
A Narcissist’s actions promises or reality in every situation are totally out of alignment. They ALWAYS say one thing and do another. For example, they preach morality BUT they have no morals and act on their impulses regularly. They may PRETEND to follow a religious doctrine and praise themselves for religious values but possess NONE of these values whatsoever. They ARE the very sinners that they are denouncing, preaching about, and pointing fingers at. The Narcissist I dealt with was/is infamous for this!
Narcissists are only nice when all other options have been removed or when they feel they are trapped into a corner or up against a wall. This is usually when the truth is so evident that they have no other option available to them. There is no remorse to what they have done, they are just trying to wriggle out of being totally exposed for what they have done AND what they are. They also want to keep you trapped in the abuse so they can keep extorting what they can or achieving supply with their insincere apology and patronizing gestures. In time they will replace you once you have caught onto their lies and agenda, BUT of course you are to BLAME for their actions! You are the disordered one and you have abused THEM, and they are “running for their lives” (a favorite and TIRED quote of my Narcissist.) That is really a distorted lie and excuse that they have moved onto a new source, but they are going to keep you locked up in confusion, lies, and abuse surrounding their departure for as long as they can. They will PULL you back into the abuse making you think that there is a possibility of reconciliation. It is just a way for them to achieve more chaos to disable you as much as they can as well as implicate you as being obsessed when THEY are the ones that initiate contact to use against you. Keeping you vulnerable also keeps their abuse hidden from the world.
When they are having a conversation one on one or even in a group setting, they will completely cut someone off as if they are not allowed to speak. Narcissists suppress self-expression and individuality to support their omnipotence and power over others by controlling everyone in their world. Basically, they eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves to feel superior and omnipotent! It shores up their false identity and makes them feel so worthy when it is all based on lies and distortion, BUT THEY JUST DON’T SEE IT AS THIS! They are delusional and self-affirming to support their needy needs.
Narcissist will ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses. They push everyone’s buttons. They will even go as far as humiliating people in public situations to show their superiority. They are psycho bullies. By pushing buttons and highlighting a person’s sensitivity they gain power and evoke fear in the target/victim of choice. They ACTIVATE a person’s insecurities to gain power and superiority over them.
Through their vast arsenal of tools to manipulate a Narcissist will pretend to understand a person’s concerns, but then they will blatantly break every boundary and step all over those concerns and basically violate them and you! If they CAN’T control a person, they will slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of this person. Narcissists RUIN people’s lives.
Narcissists will always attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They won’t believe they make mistakes, and they have no ability to feel or process or truly understand shame.
ALWAYS remember that lies and deceit are a natural part of the narcissist’s world. The old saying, “the best liars lie to themselves first” really applies to Narcissists as well as “the lie often repeated is far more convincing” and they repeat their lies many times over! A narcissist has the amazing ability to believe their own lies even when they fly in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. You MUST take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. A friend of mine always said to me “if they are breathing, they are lying” and it is the truth!
LASTLY! Do not allow yourself to ride on this emotional roller coaster through hell because it is never ending! So then heed this warning and live by it – once you leave OR are out of the relationship the Narcissist does not need you anymore and its more than likely (pretty much a guarantee) you were emotionally and physically replaced long before the separation or discard AND they are out to destroy your integrity AND you.
Everything I outlined here is taken directly from my experience with the Narcissist I knew. Unfortunately, I was blinded by the manipulation, constant lies, and brainwashing. I ‘believed’ and never saw the train wreck in front of me. Was I a damaged person? No not in the normal reality of the behavioral sciences as in having a mental illness or a personality disorder but I became the byproduct of the disabling abuse by being in the company of a highly dysfunctional and disordered person. I have insecurities, I have wounds, I may trust a little too much, I get angry, etc. BUT I am a good person that respects people. I give and love unconditionally, and I know when enough is enough. I get hurt but I do not destroy and punish people because of this, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and ALLOW them the opportunity to talk and work through things. Narcissists do not do this – they prey on ALL of our vulnerabilities.
Go no/minimal contact and stay as far away from them as physically possible. Add to this that you must also train yourself to distance yourself as far away EMOTIONALLY as possible too! SERIOUSLY know that they never loved you nor could they love you because they are void of emotion! This means that you DON’T trespass in their abode or hunting grounds, and do not peek at their online social sites. Also do not ever get into conversations, phone calls or texts thinking that they are missing you and softening in their approach to you, they are only gaining information to use against you. Remember they were very adept at abusing you and putting you in the place of despair that you are presently in. You have put your best foot forward or probably both feet and every other thing you could put forward to end up where you are now. They do not change overnight or EVER for that matter. Remember that you cannot fight and expect to win on their turf because it is disordered, delusional and abusive. That is not what you or I are about, nor will we ever be able to wrap our heads around a Narcissist’s dark and destructive lifestyle. We are people of empathy, integrity, respectful, and loving – and we must embrace this and protect ourselves by moving on and away from them. The truth ALWAYS comes out in the end! No/minimal contact. Greg
Moving forward with the truth and CLARITY! We were methodically being erased bit by bit until there was nothing much left of us but a shell of a person we once were!
So, we fell for the CHARM of a Narcissist, perhaps even fell in LOVE – but an unnatural and abusive relationship OR love is nothing even near a normal and it comes with a great price – the truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem, belief system, worth, and emotional wellbeing – BUT we totally believed in this person at first (and their scam). With that in mind we constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND lost ourselves at so many levels in doing so. Our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools through insidious CONTROL while we kept believing in them.
Their manipulation, betrayal, lies and acting out was methodically ‘conditioning’ us to provide them with supply and they stepped up the game to get the most, if not ALL they could from us until they were caught and identified as the monster they are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth and lost more and more of ourselves. We did not give them the power to abuse us, we MISTAKINGLY opened our hearts/minds with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise – AND THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO!
So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship) who believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, friendship, love, individuality, etc., AND a real relationship ONLY tried to follow the natural flow or path of a relationship. But what we did not know is that we had inadvertently set the stage for narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them – and that is a BIG NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM – it usually is when a person extorts or is a thief. A thief steals from you when you least expect it and they NEVER leave you a personal gift in return for what they stole – not a give and take situation – ALL TAKE like a Narcissist! Like a spoiled child, a narcissist will act out in rage against the individual who is keeping them from getting what they want – constant supply, admiration, adulation, and total control over their target.
During what I call my “processing phase” I thought about all the arguments that seemed to come from nowhere and escalated to an “out of control” status for absolutely no reason. There were never any questions asked, BUT there were always accusations from my Narcissist CONCERNING me. I was everything evil, everything mentally ill, I was perverse, having affairs, lying, cheating, stealing and anything else bad that the Narcissist could think up. It was the creative and DESTRUCTIVE mind of a highly disordered person acting out of their deep seeded pathology and projection of what THEY were doing.
These were diversions and projections of what the Narcissist was actually doing, and they were shoved down my throat in an effort for this Narcissist to release from the shame and blame they should HAVE OWNED themselves for these hideous acts, lies and betrayal. Next it was to attempt to make me feel unworthy like I was all these things wrong and bad and meant to push me over the edge. This defines the relationship with a Narcissist – totally and hysterically dysfunctional with an edge that serves the Narcissist’s agenda always. I reflected on some of the Narcissist’s arguments or statements that seemed so uncharacteristically insecure and childlike to me at the time. It was such a surprise coming from an adult, but I justified it and wrote it off as this Narcissist’s “immaturity.”
I wanted this Narcissist to be the person I believed the Narcissist to be when my heart assigned itself to loving this Narcissist and I was resolved about my beliefs. If you love them, you will accept them for WHO they are and work with them, time will work to heal all of this, and the bigger picture was what was important. Too bad I did not realize the PSYCHOPATHY behind all of this. REMEMBER there was a great deal of CHARM or ‘love bombing’ so the Narcissist could gain our trust to get us to believe they were GOOD at first. I was not overlooking the obvious because I wasn’t seeing the WHOLE picture or the lies, cheating, betrayal, brainwashing and everything else that is kept so hidden from all of us – this is why it is classified as abuse or better yet psychological terrorism/abuse because it leaves us emotionally and psychologically wounded – and that what the Narcissist meant to do.
Now ask yourself were you a mentally challenged person when you entered this relationship? I would believe most would say no. Unfortunately, as time went on you were described as practically insane by the Narcissist, as well as a couple hundred other things to make you out to be worthless and that takes time to purge out of your mind. You were managed down slowly but surely to accept this role with your abuser without even knowing it. You were blamed, shamed, told you were everything bad. With that in mind you were put in a role that locked your mind up in these distortions (brainwashing, gas-lighting, manipulation, etc.) and trying to do more and more to alleviate all these so-called problems you had to get the relationship back on track. The Narcissist was the driving force behind all of this to keep you trapped in confusion each day. Remember they had an arsenal of tools to do this because that is what they do, and they are utilizing these tools with this new supply too!
What is perhaps, the most difficult and devastating outcome of a narcissistic relationship, mustering up the strength as well as adopting the position to accept that your partner was just pathologically abusive and cruel AND now you must abandon them and the relationship COMPLETELY. It is a difficult and unnatural process to have to dump your past completely, as well as your emotions, dreams, plans, the family structure (they abandon/abuse their own biological children as well), all those years you spent together and the memories that are also fake. IT IS AN ABHORATION of human life as well as human dignity to use/harm/destroy another individual in the manner a malignant Narcissist does. After you get there, you are then left with the arduous task of finding yourself again BUT it is a journey we must start to heal and move forward.
Apart from all of that, I live, and I love again. It is an amazing life because now, I accept that there are people in this world who represent darkness and evil. It is not my place to fix them, make them better or to even tolerate them. Life is good without narcissists/psychopaths. I know myself better, I am myself, I love and enjoy and find the world a wonderful place to be in. I have good and great relationships. I know that I finally faced the truth and worked through it. I was not a deer frozen in the headlights and stayed in that position dazed forever. I was an adult with many resources, and I learned to use them. I accepted that abnormal people had entered my life. I accepted that they left damage in their wake, and I needed to get them out of my life. Unless you do that, unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out. You will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU – it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life. Educate yourself and go “no contact” AND educate others once you understand the reality of this abuse and the damage it does to many undeserving and beautiful people. No contact always! Greg
TRUTH: A Narcissist is basically a parasite that lives off of other human beings. The Narcissist is an EXTREME egotist that denies the truth of their repulsive world to themselves and cleverly hides it by the means of a false reflection or mask to pathologically fool or snare us into their grasp. The more the Narcissist can successfully ‘seduce’ others and convince them that they are loved the more the bounty (supply) for the Narcissist. They are self-created, or better yet, self-de-created, and then FALSELY re-created. What is re-created is not a self, but a reflection or ‘FUNCTIONAL” copy of a working image of a human being to disguise the vast VOID that they are. It is a compilation of observations the Narcissist has made from watching people and mirroring what he/she sees back to them – imitating their good qualities, likes/dislikes, everything, and anything to draw us into their web of deceit. They really bring home the definition of ‘having something in common’ with people. They MORPH into having EVERYTHING in common with us!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
The habit of treating a human being or a person as a means to an end is utilitarian (to satisfy a need or fulfill an AGENDA) and fundamentally an inhumane or a pathological and perverted manipulation of our basic human rights. A Narcissist USES all people to feed their endless ‘depravity void’ through injustice by his/her regard for others as mere instruments/objects to satisfy the Narcissist’s own gratification. The closer the association to a Narcissist the more pathological the Narcissist becomes, and the more damage done to the target/victim. Their needs are far more than just extorting basic life and biological needs – it is their psychological needs that cause the most damage to their target/victim. It is their need to control and gain dominance or power over other people that damage and destroys them. They are BASICALLY human with most of the same biological needs (like eating, breathing and sexuality) but when it comes to mental functions, they are delusional and seem to have a battle that rages in their head to seriously harm people that love them as if they loathe all people and need to destroy them one by one.
The Narcissist is incapable of love because at the core of his/her narcissism is the total refusal to revere others as individuals or to truly love and appreciate others as ‘another’ self, equal to the omnipotent Narcissist. It is a fortress or huge wall of jealousy that is weak and wobbly because it always comes tumbling down and the Narcissist shows their true colors with their debasing and dehumanizing mannerisms. What the Narcissist loves is the false self he/she has created and that he/she needs to see reflected in the affirmation and supply from others to feel real and alive. They are actors and actresses picking and choosing their roles and perfecting them to receive their ‘Emmy’ award or better yet SUPPLY from their audience. It is basically a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist is more akin to a TICK feeding on us to survive, as well as infecting us with their poisonous saliva that can and will disable us. We are just a source to feed them, entertain them, and cover their disfigured and abusive lifestyle. After being objectified and abused we are then blamed/shamed and destroyed as if in a ritual way to remove ANY and ALL accountability from the Narcissist because he/she can never allow themselves to see the reality of their disordered life and the destruction they cause – EVER. This is the truth about their superiority or omnipotence – it is as flimsy as their reality in this world.
Since a Narcissist is incapable of truly loving another as an individual, all of the Narcissist’s relationships with others are perverted, twisted, and abusive. To use a person is to abuse a person, and everyone in the Narcissists life, WITHOUT EXCEPTION, is nothing more than a means of procuring affirmation, adulation, and admiration – a means to an end, an agenda to secure supply or basically to extort from people. It is like a puppet show with the Narcissist having his/her hand in every puppet directing it’s every move.
A narcissist is calculating and refuses ANY connection or obedience of the basic requirements of life or the natural moral laws as they apply to life and human rights. Obedience to a Narcissist implies that there is something larger or better than what they are, and they will never comply because it would define them as being weak to allow anyone to feel significant enough to be their equal or better. It is almost like the Narcissist completely relates everything in life to a measurement – but this measurement begins with them – or as the saying goes, the sun rises and sets on a Narcissist because they feel they are above all life.
The Narcissist creates the terms of how THEY measure life – so if they were a “tape measure or a ruler”, they would determine the dynamics of each and every measurement OR define every inch of every foot – and you can believe that it would not be consistent as it is SUPPOSED to be. The Narcissist has to be ‘that’ which measures (and judges) and NEVER that WHICH IS MEASURED and NEVER judged. Literally they “coin” the phrase “give them an inch and they will take a yard.” Well that and anything they can get their tentacles around. No/minimal contact to break the cycle of this abuse. Greg
Understanding Narcissistic BABBLE, and their blah, blah, blah – or circular conversations, double talk, and word salads!
Words are their weapons and how they manipulate people. Understanding Narcissistic BABBLE, and their blah, blah, blah – or circular conversations, double talk, and word salads! It is just trickery, manipulation, diversion, and lies to create chaos – what else is new with a Narcissist – BUT these are dangerous emotional and psychological tools they use to diminish their target/victims. KOWLEDGE is power in understanding ENDING this abuse!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Ese in Between with a Narcissist
So let’s start with the truth first – Narcissists use MANY deceptive and manipulative tools that are absolute and fundamental to the Narcissist’s survival in the real world – in other words everything is a manipulation of real facts to serve their agenda, opinions and actions – and the way it is conveyed is THROUGH THEIR WORDS. The Narcissist can’t change and, most importantly, they DON’T want to change. They inhabit a fantasy world which becomes reality for them and those they manage to brainwash. There is no reality or truth for any person that resides in their world. It is a train wreck waiting to happen and there are always many victims. In their world the truth and falsehood only hold instrumental meaning as they apply it to a situation and there is absolutely no morality contained in any of their thoughts or actions.
We must remember that at the core of the Narcissist psychopathy is a mindset governed by their grandiosity, lack of empathy for others, AVOIDANCE of the truth with a grand sense of entitlement and superiority that places them above laws and morality. The Narcissist grossly overestimates their abilities and accomplishments and underestimates the complete being of their target/victim. Simply put, the Narcissist should be able to do anything they wish, however harmful and destructive, because the Narcissist is better than others. In the Narcissist’s mind, by making us a part of their wonderful life by mere association with them, he/she passes on to us this grandiosity as if they are royalty and that is our reward. It is ridiculous and repulsive that they can believe this nonsense and more akin to pompousness and arrogance.
It is hard if not impossible to fully wrap our heads around the outlandish behavior of a Narcissist or their psychopathic mindset so we really should not try to as it relates to and describes our abuse because it really had nothing to do with who WE are. Narcissists believe the truth they create at the moment they need it to provide them with new opportunities – there is no rhyme or reason to it. I believe they even have their own language, and it is delusional at its basis and only ‘doubletalk’ to meet their agenda to extort other people’s lives.
They are only charmers and seducers that use their staged ‘word scripts’ to extort life and people. If I had to interpret SOME of their words, it would go like this — there are MANY more examples, TOO many to list – but most everything they say is weaponized – so please add to the list if you would like to.
Narcissistic blah, blah, blah!
1. “I love you” means “I want something to give me a ‘high’ at this very moment like a drug addict taking a hit from their favorite drug.”
2. “I would NEVER intentionally hurt you” literally translates to “Watch your back because I can’t be trusted as far as I can be thrown, so I am gathering up all the information I can to smear you, back-stab you and WOUND you so you learn to fear my wrath!”
3. “You love me, and you know it” translates to “You WILL forgo any and all of your needs and bend to my will and ALL of MY needs.”
4. “Trust me” means “Tell me what I want to know so I can use it to get what I want as well as use it against you when I have to.”
5. “You are the love of my life,” translates into “You are just the next one of a long, list or sequence of targets/victims that will be used and abused.”
6. “Mutual monogamy or fidelity” means “you WILL be faithful to me while I cheat on you.”
7. “Betrayal” in the Narcissist’s mind is defined and justified with this – “How dare you disapprove of something/anything I did or said. You broke the law, did not follow my rules and you disobeyed ME. I will show you what happens AND you must and will be punished.”
8. “Mutual commitment” translates into “Everything in your life revolves around me and me alone, BUT I will do exactly what I want.”
9. “Honesty” never means the truth “It is me (Narcissist) saying whatever gets me what I want at the moment.”
10. “I miss you SO MUCH” means “I miss the function you play in my life as supply, but there are plenty of other objects I can play with when I need MORE and better supply.
11. “I love you like no other, we ARE soul mates” means “I’ll give you attention, flattery, gifts, and ‘love bomb’ you to death only until I hook you emotionally and gain your trust AND can extort everything I can from you and your life, and then I am out of here.”
12. For the supply on the side “My wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend doesn’t really love me or satisfy me” really interprets to ‘Neither will you, in a few weeks or months, at most and I will toss you aside too.”
13. “We are MEANT to be together forever” means “ABIDE by my rules because I own you completely while I remain free to do as I please.”
14. “We can and will work this out” means “But it is NEVER my fault. If I did something you believe is harmful, you are over-reacting OR it’s because your services weren’t good enough for me.”
15. “I am tired of you ALWAYS bringing up the same arguments!” Which interprets as you have hit on the truth every time so the Narcissist will just turn it back around onto you!
16. “I hate you” means that YOU have caught them in their lies so they are going to divert to try to hurt you at any level they can.
17. “You have issues” literally means that again you have called them but on something and it is like a little child responding with – “I know you are but what am I,” or just psychobabble to create chaos.
Every word, phrase, or statement of the Narcissist’s so-called “circular truth” is only said in the moment or momentary and always contingent upon their immediate gratification. All their efforts, no matter what only represent an investment designed to satisfy the Narcissists immediate wishes and desires through positivity or negativity – none of which is real or a true reflection of you and I. Their feelings are shallow, so is the value of their ‘truth’s’ that they are always waving in our face. The best thing to do when they make one of their famous proclamations is to always add “for now” to the end of their declarations. There is no passion, and they are by far never grounded with any caring emotions, empathy or love AND NEVER A COMMITMENT! They may pretend to care or love you FOR the moment but once they are not physically in your presence, they will be pursuing another source of supply or chasing after some new and temporary pleasure!
Lies and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing and deflecting from reality, but the Narcissist does this with a very deceptive agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives (and sometimes for MANY years), then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity! BUT here is the truth – you are an amazing person, you have all your mental facilities, you can love, you have great empathy, and you are STRONG because you survived this and are here today. You will recover from this and be free from this abuser. It all starts now with education, knowledge, and support. You will align with all of this and the truth of your situation and purge all the abuse out of your life. It is a process that requires time, but it is worth it because you will get your good life back and freedom. It all starts with no/minimal contact to get the clarity you need! REMEMBER knowledge and education is imperative to move forward! Greg
Those intense verbal attacks from a Narcissist! Never take a Narcissist’s verbal attacks seriously because like everything else it is all lies, machinations, and manipulation with a specific purpose to malign you! Understanding the Narcissist’s agenda of devaluing us and then even projecting THEIR faults onto us all at the same time. Narcissistic magic to make them the virtuous one by turning it around and blaming us for what THEY do!
When a Narcissist verbally attacks, devalues, or projects slander onto their targets/victims, they have two objectives. One is projection of course (accusing us of what they do), BUT the other is to “dirty a bright spot in your character” with whatever lies or slander they are projecting at you. It is as though any shiny part of your image diminishes the glow of their façade and that just ANGERS that destructive inner child of theirs. You can never be anything but inferior to them. This is of course the mentality of the Narcissistic terrorist, who must malign and tear other people’s integrity down and ultimately harm OR destroy them with what only amounts to a chaotic counterattack to protect their distorted and damaged existence.
Projection and smearing at the same time are a work of art for the Narcissist, and it is uncanny how Narcissists manage to accomplish it. It’s all in the way their words are carefully placed, because not only do they ditch one of their faults, but they also muddy up one of your virtues in the process until they eradicate all of your goodness. They are so glib and amazingly adept at “killing two birds with that one stone.”
Think about situations where they may have been caught in one of their many lies – and instead of accepting accountability they completely divert and accuse you of the same thing and then they start dissembling you bit by bit! It is all about getting that reaction as well – because that takes the situation into another direction and away from them. SO again, this is done to get us to react – In turn we start our own projecting back to our Narcissist – but NOT in any manner similar to what they project onto us – we project in an effort to use our empathy and critical thinking to TRY to make things right or fix them. But remember the Narcissist is training us like a dog to make us do tricks. So, we learn that by remaining silent, avoiding making them accountable, showing more affection, being so good to them, or loving/caring them before ourselves, we get our just reward. Basically, we project a ‘happy face’ when inside we are conflicted, protecting ourselves, confused, manipulated, betrayed, and demeaned. It is absolutely dehumanizing and subjugation pure and simple. Therefore, they malign all people – I have a new term for this and it is ‘hate bombing!’ Just like the ‘love bombing’ it has its purpose to keep us controlled BUT in a negative and fearful way.
Their projection works amazingly well because it is just so much crazy thrown at us that we are never the wiser or seeing it as projection because it is shocking and then once again it adds another level of the abuse and damages our chances of fixing things ONCE AGAIN – bit by bit they are erasing us. We react by wanting to set it all straight, so it just put us back into that place where we were explaining ourselves again and bending over backwards to fix another deluded accusation – another day another loss of who we are?
Again, remember none of what they said about you was real, BUT it was real for the Narcissist because THEY were doing whatever they accused us of — SO to cleanse themselves of the horrendous wrongdoing they have done, they had to project this onto us and see us squirm and basically punish us for their acts of infidelity. They essentially put themselves up on their grand pulpit and exclaimed that they were OUR sins as well as proclaiming their high morality as in they would NEVER commit such an act when they just did. This is how they dump the guilt and patch up their virtuous façade. It is ALL about the reaction, deflection, attacking our virtues, turning the blame onto us.
It is all very confusing when you are going through it. But understand and remember this, the Narcissist isn’t attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments.’ Consequently, when the Narcissist is conducting a character assassination against you or someone else, the gun the Narcissists shoots never hits one of that person’s real flaws, it is shot at you (or whomever) to just wound you enough to disable you. Believe me they will keep shooting and wounding you in the hopes of completely crippling you as time goes by because they must do this to remain in control and protect their false life and lies.
OK, so the point here was to understand some of the mechanics that will hopefully help you release from the blame and shame that the Narcissist dumped into your head. You do not deserve to carry a debt for the time you spent with this person. You ARE a normal and loving human being that is equipped with empathy, and you proved that all along. Do you ever remember feeling like this before you got involved with this Narcissist? NO, unless you were with another Narcissist. You did not magically go from a good person to an insensitive, non-caring person that could do nothing right in this crazy and debilitating relationship. You are not crazy or insane either. You were abused by a very defective person that ultimately managed you down more and more until eventually you lost sight of the real you. You will become that real person you once were because unlike the Narcissist WE ARE ABLE TO CHANGE. You were disabled by the extreme tactics used on you. With introspection, time, support, and real love, you can and will turn around. It is time for you to BELIEVE in yourself completely and discard everything and anything about what this Narcissist made you believe about yourself. They were a nightmare in your life, and now that you are awake and free from them it is time to put the real perspective or truth back into your reality that you are a normal and amazing person that has the tools to become whole again. So PLEASE no/minimal contact to start you out on that road to recovery! Greg