I see Lian
Sophia and Lori, I can totally relate. I was with my narc for 25 years, and then after wringing me dry of my life, he let me know he was texting a much younger woman. I checked the texts on his phone and he was having more then a friendship with this woman. Then when I confronted him he lied and blocked me from being able to see his phone. He kept calling her his “friend”. Well 3 months after we were divorced hes married to his “friend”. I almost feel sorry for her, because she has no idea what shes in for and she is moving her 13 year old autistic son in with them who had been living wither her Ex. God please help that child.
Now looking back I dont know why I let this horrible man put me down and tell me I was the horrible one. The part I still cant figure out is why I defended him and didnt out him totally while I was with him. I was brainwashed, manipulated, and afraid to go against him, that I would have to hear the rage and be terrorized again. I was always walking on egg shells. Now I know that no matter how good I was it would have ended the same. In the last few years I got bolder and started to try to reach out. I was so depressed and my narc couldnt have cared less how I felt.
I tried to tell a few relatives and it was fruitless. I either was told I was to blame, that it was my fault I was abused, to stop talking about my husband, or there is 2 sides to every story. Which mostly I interpreted as shut up, we dont care, we dont want to hear about it, or its all your fault so stop complaining. Not one of these people has admitted they were wrong or apologized to me for treating me that way…and I dont expect they ever will. I feel like this was an added kick in the head, all my supports that I thought I had,,,they disappeared. Family, church family, and friends all took a step back when he asked for the divorce. I had to live with this monster for 7 months while going through the divorce, before I had a place to move. Not one phone call, no one said do you want to talk or go out for coffee? NOTHING!! It was the loneliest time in my life. I still dont think most people believe me in what happened. They all get really quiet and I get the feeling they just want me to shut up and stop talking because I think it makes me sound like Im the one with the problem. If I had black eyes and broken bones they would be there for me, but because my abuse was mental instead of physical they keep making me feel more abused and unloved. I cant talk about it or everyone instantly goes silent so I have to pretend everything is okay so they arent uncomfortable. It still hurts me a lot. When at my lowest moment my sister told me that for $500 a month I could live with her, when i tried to negotiate down she said no 500 or nothing. My son finally stepped in and bought me a mobile home, he was furious. So my family gets nothing. As generous and a blessing my sons gesture was, he still also doesnt believe me that it was that bad he lives in New Zealand and its a long story. Everyone thinks Im just being over emotional and that it really wasnt as bad as I say it was. They cant understand why I just cant walk away and forget all about it.
I depend on God now for my sanity, not people. I dont trust people that much right now. I feel like the narc abused me, then my family, my so called church family, and friends abused me again by not supporting me or listening to me and by stepping away from me it felt like I was being kicked in the head again. Then being told in so many unspoken ways to be quiet, we dont believe you, and it felt like they were letting me know I wasnt worth listening to either. So much damage and no one…not one ever said Im sorry to me. Maybe they did but I didnt hear it, I dont remember it, so I sit alone. It feels like hell!!
I am doing better now, but at the time it was the worse thing I ever went through. I am healing and learning how to forgive so I dont keep poisoning my own life. I know Im getting better because Im able to type all of this with out crying so on some levels I am healing. Just be prepared for the second wave of not being believed, and so the narc is still ruining your life although hes not in it anymore and out ruining someone elses life. Im letting him go, but the fact that people dont believe how bad it was really does hurt me sometimes more then the narc himself did.
oh Sophia, your story sounds so much like mine; it’s been exactly a year (after an 11 year marriage) that he just decided one day to leave me for his first girlfriend from 30 years ago, after talking to her on FB for a month; it’s devastating, and so hurtful, not only DURING, but after, trying to figure it all out, trying to survive and get past the fact that there was no love ever….it hurts, maybe because it’s the year anniversary for me, and the holidays, and last year when he did this I was a basket case, ready for a breakdown. I’ve been good, incredibly healed, or so I thought, but the last few days have been horrendous for me; knowing he’s with her in our home (yes, he moved her in less than a month after he did this); having a life with her, divorced me and was “engaged” to her before the divorce papers were even signed…it still hurts, and although I know I will never contact him again, and he’s done with me and onto his next meal ticket, it hurts. I think it’s because it’s the realization that he never cared or loved me at all…none of them do…they use us for what they need and want and discard us when they are done destroying us…it’s so painful, and I feel so alone and unable to trust anyone, especially men…I haven’t even considered dating, although I would love to have someone to love. I thought I did…I loved him unconditionally, sacrificed my children, friends, sanity for him…oh I could go on, but we all need to be strong and move ahead…it’s just so hard sometimes…
I just clawed my way out of an eerily similar “relationship”. Keep loving yourself! So many wonderful people are healing with you.
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3 months out of an Narcissistic relationship with a man….first he put on his best face and payed so much attention to me and eventually got me to say to him that I loved him…it was good for a short while and he always told me he loved me..and then he changed…wasn’t paying much attention to me, acted jealous for almost nothing and accusing me of stuff with other men…never saying sorry, then he started disrespecting me and treating me like child,analyzing me all the time and correcting me .telling me what to think and that what I think is wrong., giving advice when I don’t need or want it. I couldn’t even talk to him about anything when I wasn’t happy… I would be blamed, put down, distanced and he would stop saying I love you to me for months ! I would cry and ask for forgiveness and he would shove blame at me again to make me feel bad as if I hurt him !I would beg for forgiveness and how sorry I am etc..still distanced and reminding me it is all my fault etc..
The bang out of the blue we were back on and he was all loving to me again and trying to be romantic…I wouldn’t be..after all I was just made out to be the blame and made to suffer in silence for months…only I would be too afraid to say that to him in case he would repeat that same punishment to me ! So I would stuff it inside me ! I always felt below him and like child with no voice..or like I was walking on broken glass with him afraid I might say the wrong thing, the wrong word or something the wrong way that would set him off again ! No matter how I tried I always did…over and over this same abusive pattern with him ! I was worn down by now and so tired…I just learned to live with it and cried often in silence,..my self esteem went down horribly,, my health went down, my own hobbies and interests I lost interest in, I went on this crazy period trying to be perfect for him, dieting, exercise., trying to perfect what I looked like so he would not be disappointed and say anything to me negative
I never felt good enough with him or for him ! Then the last stage….out of the blue when I thought things were getting better…he dropped me abruptly and told me crying won’t help so don’t bother and to go find someone else ..that he was tired of my drama !!!!!! MY drama ?????? OM gosh ! I was devastated…wasn’t prepared for that ! Confused..literally I wanted to die it hurt so bad….I pleaded for him to talk to me…nothing….this went on for weeks. I was so upset I wanted to know more about him…so I contacted his ex ( whom I have never met) the mother of his 20 yr old son and I talked to his own son ! It wasn’t good ! Everything he ever told me about himself and his relationship with his son was a lie ! His whole life was a lie and totally made up to look great ..actually is was pathetic ! I also found out the whole Time I was in a relationship with him he had been dating other women and taking them out to dinner ! With what I thought as I am being told he had no money and sold everything not nailed down to the floor even if it wasn’t his to sell ! Borrowing $20 from his ex for gas money ! Borrowing from his mom and not paying her back ! His ex said he probably sold every gift I ever sent him ! He still has not spoken to me in 3 months and I am not waiting for him to either ! he most likely won’t as he knows now I know all his lies and I told him right off and I blunt also ! I hurt his poor ego trust me I was harsh and blunt ! If he as a child felt unloved…that makes it harder for me to hate him ! Yet I want to I am so angry at him ! Days I feel hurt and cry…other days anger and resentful for what he dd to me ! One thing I can be grateful for is that he cannot hurt me any longer unless I let him ! I know I need to let go fully, move on and forget him…get rid of anything that reminds me of him and get out into the world and met people, date again etc…! But first I am taking time to heal and find myself again and get counseling…I do not feel guilty for anything as I did not do wrong…I was conned by the best and unsuspecting of what he was doing…I was his victim because he saw someone very kind and nice in me…he wanted to come across as godly etc… and I was that kind of woman….I was his unsuspecting target ! But I am not a victim any longer…I am a survivor ! This man is the victim of his own illness and evil ways and from what I hear there is no cure for what he has ! I am the winner as I am the better person here ! He could not even come close to being as nice as I am ! This has changed me forever…. I will be very vigilant and watch for red flag from now on and know I know what to watch for ! First red flag I see in a man I walk away and looking back ! I know my worth and someone like that is undeserving of me and my love ! His own son is disgusted by him ! Now I am too !
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It took me a while, but there it was all along…
Been doing no contact for a couple of months now and analyzing what motivates me the most. I’m not saying I am correct but it seems that being despised and humiliated is tolerable, but being lied to is not. Probably a healthy person would also not tolerate being put down, but this just shows how much a person like myself needs to go no contact, to get away from allowing being bullied to be normalized
I hope you are well out of the relationship and healed now. I know, just having gone no contact that it will take a few months to clear the fog, but I am working on myself with a counsellor so that no one can ever get me to give up on myself like the narc manipulated me into. Fixing myself is my life’s goal now.
Yeah I see right it…..45 degrees anti-clockwise….. So cool, good reminder of what they are!
I don’t see it. I guess that was the problem. lol
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