About ANA

ANA was developed out of sheer desperation of the human spirit clinging to it’s last bit of hope.

Lost and confused after ending a long term relationship that at one point had felt like the greatest “love” of my life, I struggled to find answers and put a finger on just WHAT IT WAS that had gone so terribly wrong.

So desperate was my need for answers, I sat on my therapists couch, tears streaming down my face, begging him to tell me, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEE?”

His answer surprised me; and forever changed the way I view this world.

“You were in a domestically abusive relationship.”

“WHAT?????”  I asked in utter shock. “But he didn’t “hit” me?”

He answered with, “Not with his fists.  You are dealing with a narcissist. You have just ended an abusive relationship with a NARCISSIST.”

My mind whirled  – when I heard my therapist name what it was – I began to be flooded with many examples from the narcissist’s behavior that fit what the therapist was telling me.

The narcissist lured me into a toxic affair with charm, mind games, promises & flattery – sold me on a soul mate love that he’d never felt before and then proceeded to take every good thing he could from me; my love, my innocence, my trust, my sense of justice, my kindness, my empathy, my unconditional love, and my good name – and replaced it with abuse. Lies about me (he told others I was stalking him), got me fired from jobs, created a fake website about me claiming that I was crazy, delusional, a drug addict, and even talked poorly about my children, who he was a father figure to for years.

The therapist ran over the list of symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder:

Lack of empathy? Check!
Boasting about his image? Check!
Perfectionism? Check!
Lack of boundaries? Check!
Expects special treatment? Check!

Obsessive Compulsive and sexually perverted? Check!

Pathological lying? Multiple serial affairs and cheating? Check!

Guilt tripping?  Check!
Passive aggressive? Check!
Possessive, Jealous, downright mean? Check!
Controlling. Wouldnt ‘allow’ me to have feelings or express them? Check!
Loved by everyone on the outside – but HATED by those who know the real them? Check!

I was dating the poster boy for narcissism

For the first time in many years….I finally felt that IT WASNT ME,  like the narcissist had blamed me for over & over.  It explained why I’d never been able to do anything right to ‘earn’  his “love”.

From that day on, I promised God that if he brought me through the darkness, that I would pay forward the knowledge of everything I learned through my lesson, about the narcissist, their red flags, their abuse, my upbringing with a narcissistic parent, my own vulnerabilities and how to never allow myself to be exploited again by another narcissistic individual; be it a boss, boyfriend, family member or friend.

My philosophy is very simple: KNOWLEDGE IS POWER  – I am making available all the knowledge I’ve gained as a result of this experience with a narcissistic abuser in an effort to help empower you and let you know  that you are not alone in your suffering.

There truly is Light, Life, Love & Laughter after narcissistic abuse, It is my hope for you, that you truly come to know this for yourself.

xo,

ANA

 

 

  1. You are a beautiful woman and it’s hard to believe you were in this type of relationship. I, too, have been the victim not only of narcissistic abuse, but also verbal and physical abuse. It is difficult for others to appreciate the hold which abusers have over their victims; often leaving them isolated form friends and/or family, without money, and generally dependent on their abuser, (especially when there are young children involved). Domestic abuse of all types is much more common than most people seem to or would like to believe!
    However, i question your qualifications to be counseling people about DSM Disorders…do you hold a license, LICSW or PhD, or any other credentials to be dispensing this type of psychological advice other than your own unfortunate but nevertheless purely anecdotal experience?
    Good for you, that you have “absolutely nothing wrong psychologically.” I find this a little suspect, since all of us are broken in some way. I feel i can say this because i hold both undergraduate and graduate degrees in Psychology, as well as being an RN.
    I like that you are trying to do a service to others and thank you….but you could be doing more harm than good by dispensing advice that is not reliable or valid or based on empirical research.

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  2. Umm, hi. I am a 48 year old guy who has been married for 25 years. I feel guilty for sharing this, but I feel like my wife is a narc. I have not been a perfect person at all…In fact I think I am the poster boy for a co-dependent, but it has been a very difficult marriage. for too long, I thought it was me. now, to be fair it aint all her….however I am thinking that she helped propel the pain that both of us feel. we have kids that understand how mean mom can be. we are still married and under the same roof but has made it clear that we are not a couple in any way whatsoever. its very hard and also makes me feel incredibly lonely

    Liked by 1 person

  3. After reading some of the articles on your site, I am a little confused. What you describe as a narcissist, I would consider a sociopath. I understand that all sociopaths are narcissists, but how are they different?

    BTW: Great photo

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  4. This is as though I had written it myself.. 😔 thank you, I wish I had found it months ago, would have saved me so much reading, documenting, pleading, begging for help… 😔 NA has brought me to my knees.. No idea how to start rebuilding my life. X

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    • Sarah,

      Im just thankful you found us at all! Oh boy do I relate to your feelings. Please know, there are SO MANY OF US, ALL OF US, felt broken. I can tell you this, at least you have within you the ABILITY to rebuild yourself, your identity and your boundaries – and I also promise you this: YOU WILL REBUILD TO BE A STRONGER VERSION of yourself!

      Here are a few suggestions – based on what worked for me:
      No CONTACT is everything! It is difficult – but it will get your head clear.
      Knowledge about this disorder will help you discern whose responsibility is whose. The disorder and all the dysfunctional relationship and lack of care belongs to the narcissist. You may need to work on your love for yourself, your vulnerability to someone selling you a “pipe dream” and your boundaries. Most targets do.
      To help overcome the obsessive thoughts, everytime you start to think of the narcissist, just say STOP! in your head – then redirect your energy and focus to yourself. Use this as a reminder to ask yourself “What do you need?” Hug yourself. Tell yourself you love yourself. Give yourself what you hollowly gave to them.
      Seek support!
      Our page is one of many that offer a community of like minded survivors who either are, or have been EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE. Draw from those people. Most targets are EXTREMELY LOVING AND EMPATHETIC!
      Rely on your spiritual beliefs!! If you believe in God, cling closer to him. This kind of love a narcissist offers, is NOT love at all. It’s the antithesis of love.
      And Finally, be gentle and patient with yourself. Provide yourself exceptional self care.

      You WILL recover!!! 🙂 🙂

      xo

      Liked by 1 person

    • I found a good therapist with experience of treating NA … also I talk to one or two close friends..i ask them not to give me advice but to just listen… I read … psychopath free…mans search for meaning… borderline mother… YouTube Meredith Miller… Lisa Romano… sparatanlifecoach …. Sam vackni … hope this help..daily dose of ANA is good too …. Bless You…. my kindest wishes go out to you…. (I’m not into the fairy dust stuff.. but have cried…prayed… slept… ran 5ks every week..swam… walked..cycled …even while hating doing it …. slowly very slowly I think I’m getting moving forward… really good book too..cure for heartache…plesse respond and I can give you more tips.. good luck

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  5. Michele Stuhmer

    Wow! Thank you from the depths of my heart for sharing your experience. I am and have been walking in your very same shoes. The guilt, the pain, the alienation from my son has nearly put me over the edge and I have had no idea what I had done wrong! I understand now what I’m dealing with. But now how do I cope?

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  6. I am going through the devalue and discard stage again, and what they say that each one is more damaging than the last is so very true. We are friends, were co-workers, never dated or intimate. It felt like a relationship, but I would never engage that type of relationship with him. The friendship is hard enough, and I seen what he done to someone who he said he actually cared for…yet somehow, I still ended up his “victim”. 5 yrs now, and the brunt of it the past 3 yrs. My anxiety is through the roof again today, I knew it was coming and thought I was prepared for it after what I had been through and learned this past year. I started my own blog on wordpress as well. Not very thought out writing, but it helped me those few times I needed to write, and it looks like I will be doing that today. Can’t talk to friends because they think you are crazy, as he is “such a nice guy” and everything I am saying is all made up. No family to really talk too, they have no clue about this kind of stuff and would just look at me like I’m a brick wall. So, I have been dealing with this all on my own. I went to a few sessions of counseling and calling my insurance company to try and find one that deals with narcissistic abuse, or at least knows about it. I will say though, I am doing much better now than I was last year. I do not react to anything anymore, I do it silently. Never to him or in his presence. It isn’t any easier, and I was doing good until this devalue and discard stage is in full force right now. I have been trying to keep myself busy since the semester is over. And I think one of the reasons for this right how is because I don’t have to drive past his house to get to school, so he feels he doesn’t need to be “nice” to me…plus his gambling has been more active, at least from what I know, and I believe he hasn’t stopped at all like I thought he did. So when he gets heavy into gambling, I all of a sudden become the “bad guy” who is judgmental and he has “better” friends to talk to and hang with again. I really need to go NC and stick with it and not get reeled back in again. I thought I was doing good, and yet here I am suffering at his hands all over again.

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    • If you ever need someone to talk to please give me a call 914 522 8576. I know what you are going through and this seems like a silent battle with no support the only people that really understand are those who have been through it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s very true that these breakups are special and often more difficult than others. And even in the mental health community there is a lack of understanding about them. But you aren’t alone. I work with clients very often who have been in these kinds of relationships and I deeply understand the issues involved with relationships involving Cluster B personality disorders like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, or Antisocial Personality Disorder.

        Anyone who feels they could use extra support can always get in touch through the site I’ve linked to this comment. Just send a message through the contact form. I will even do a free hour on the phone with you to see if I can help. And, if for some reason in your case I can’t, I’ll try to help you find the people or resources that can.

        Liked by 1 person

    • THIS POST is a very good reminder that NA occurs outside of romantic relationships, also. I think we sometimes forget this, and that’s why it’s often harder to realize that is what is happening with co-workers or family members or just plain frenemies.

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  7. Hi Ana, It has been nearly a year since I separated from my differentiating covert/overt friend whom I had spent quite a few years with, but now anytime he comes into my head either through reference or recollection, I start having panic attacks, start breathing funny, become seriously fatigued, and muscles cramp up, I feel like the definition of being winded through or as if something really awful has just happened, I find it hard to think and I basically shut down and just want to cry or die, I don’t have any available help in my country Australia, that understands the things about Narcissism you do and many others in america seem to, I was wondering if you can recommend any online therapy or resources books,dvds,online videos,downloadable videos,web course,online helpline, or someone who could offer affordable skype therapy? I really can’t stand this emotional, mental and physical pain caused by anxiety,confusion and helplessness anymore.

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  8. Hi. I left my marriage almost a year ago and was married to an extremely narcissistic individual. Even though I am very aware of it all now and understand it so much better, when I recently started seeing someone (who in fact appears very empathic and caring) I had a very strong reaction and am continuing to struggle with it. I keep thinking I cant do this, even though this individual is what I would want in a healthy relationship, and instead I would keep thinking back to the good memories with my ex-husband. I even start just wondering whether its best for me just to be single rather than in any relationship at all. I dont understand why this is happening and was wondering whether you could please explain it to me so I dont end up losing something that might end up being a ‘good’ relationship.
    Thanks!

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  9. I am the mother of a 34 year old narcissist. He has not actually been prof diagnosed, but through all of my reading, he actually ticks all the boxes. Left school early, no friends, can’t hold down a job, demanding, controlling, egocentric, gas-lighting, charming, a liar, ……. It’s really, really hard to end your relationship with your son. Ending it with his father was a doddle compared with this. It is heart-breaking and the fact that there is no word to describe what I am doing (separating from him … divorcing him..) makes it even harder. I am doing this for my daughters because they have had enough and have brought me around to realising that he has been manipulative their entire lives, and they are scared of him. They have refused to come to anything he comes to, and told me they are scared for me. I realised that they are right after a barrage of emails which tried to tell me how evil THEY were. Then when I disagreed they received a barrage telling them how evil I was. Something inside me just clicked and I realised that we needed to get him out of our lives. I fear for his lovely partner whom he has convinced to leave her job, and has forced her to ‘stand up’ to her own mother and sisters. He has forced her to break up with many of her friends. He is always sick or injured and she is basically his housemaid. He can’t stand her making any noise at night so she has to sleep in another room. I read so much that it is the mother’s fault if the child is a Narc, which makes it even harder to admit or seek help. If it’s my fault he is the way he is, then how can I cut him off, and not help him? My husband (his step-dad) is great, and my son will only talk to him now, but we are going to let him know that we don’t want to have any contact with him unless it is in a psychiatrist’s clinic. This must be the hardest thing a mother ever has to do, but I’m doing it for my girls. I wish there was more about parenting a narcissist adult child – but as I said, what there is out there is mostly blaming the mother. Thanks for your site. Although it is about partner abuse, it still helped.

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  10. Thank you for all your shares. Please pass your experience on to other people so they can learn to recognize the narc in their life. It’s like living in ‘upside-down’ world. Nothing makes sense. I’m mature, smart and accomplished. I thought I was past all of this. But a narc will watch and learn, and find your weakness. In a healthy relationship, your partner wants to learn how to connect with you in order to strengthen the relationship. The narc only wants to feed off you. It’s hard to believe when you’re in it, but at the age of 65 I am recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship. I can barely say the words.

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  11. I am involved in a custody dispute with my sons father whose narcissism is OFF THE CHARTS. There is no limit to his lying. Telling absurd and ridiculous lies to cover initial absurd and ridiculous lies. He NEVER admits to being caught in a lie, despite smoking gun evidence. He’s just like Donald Trump. My question: Do you think narcissists really believe they are telling the truth? Or do you think somewhere inside their messed up heads, they know they are lying?

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  12. Hi Ana, Why can’t I comment?

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    • Oh never mind, I think there was a glitch where it said I couldn’t post any comments. I was like..omg I hope I wasn’t barred. Anyway, you can ignore the last post. I did want to personally thank you for this website. Women need a place where they can talk about these horrendous beings. I wish there was a place where you can post their pictures as well.

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  13. Broken hearted

    How do i unlove my narcissistic daughter? It is breaking my heart and soul.

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  14. no one can understand unless they have lived it. people think you can just “move on” I feel like i am infected with a deadly virus. Feeling hopeless, helpless and suicidal. Just knowing someone else understands helps a bit

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  15. August of 2016 I left our family house. I was running away from my 20 year marriage and to someone else who treated me well. I left our 17 year old son at home with his dad thinking that I was the problem and when I left the household would be happy. My son was getting ready to enter his senior year and has gone to the school with the same kids since he was in preschool… I could not move him to a different town (our town has only 3,000 people in it) but I knew I had to get a job and start a new life. I moved into a small apartment with the man who made/makes me feel good about myself because I had no money, my credit is poor and I had been a stay at home mom for most of the marriage except for a few jobs here and there (until my husband decided I should quit or I got bored going to work and not being at home with him to go where we wanted/when we wanted). My husband works 24 hour shifts at a fire department as a paramedic and he’s also in the army/special operations. He does psychological operations and is a staff Sargent. He did two tours to Iraq and was gone for 2.5 years total not including monthly drills, schools etc.

    I am now lost emotionally. My kids barely speak to me (our oldest is 22 and hasn’t talked to me since last July except to send a text saying thank you for the Christmas gifts I had bought her and her dad delivered to her). My middle is very innocent and loving. She speaks to me on a regular basis but I can tell she feels in the middle. She is 19, had moved in with her older sister but after I moved out and my husband got a girlfriend (II fear he’s had her for a while) he wanted to stay at her house with her kids so my ex had my 19 year old move back to the house so she could take care of her 17 year old brother. My 19 year old now works at a nursing home the night shift as a cna across the street because she has no drivers license. My 17 year old son speaks to me but he was mad at me for a very long time. He was told I left him and his father for another man… Which wasn’t true. After the judge ordered on November 3rd I get to see my son once a week during supervised visitations with a therapist (my husband said I had abandoned our son and done serious emotional damage), my husband fought me and didn’t let me start seeing him until January. Visits have been inconsistent and everything must go through my husband, even though he says they don’t and he supports me seeing my son. Afterthe second visit with the therapist, the therapist said I was a great mom and the more time my son spends with me the better.

    The man I ended up with… I was only with because my husband wanted me to start shaving sex with other men. For a long time I said no and was against it but eventually I did a lot of things I’m not proud of. I wanted to make my husband happy. I eve suggested things and begged him to do or let me do certain things because I thought he would love me more. I’m humiliated at what I have done and that it was me who suggested a lot of things. The guy I ended up with…. Is a fellow firefighter who was married for 25 years. He’s going through a divorce now but both he and his wife are getting happily divorced. This just means my husband can tell people I broke up someone else’s marriage and ran off leaving my kids.

    I know this is long and redundant… But it feels good to tell people who may understand. For so many years I’ve felt crazy. My husbands obsession with porn our entire marriage, though I always felt like he cheated on me and I was very paranoid for almost our entire marriage and looking through his phone when I could, his computer and iPad, work pants… I don’t think he had cheated on me, I think he liked making me paranoid and playing with my emotions. I eventually did almost go crazy… My doctor was prescribing me tons of medications, I wasn’t taking it like I should no even my husband went and got two prescriptions like I had and started giving me his so I wouldn’t run out. He would tell me to take two and three ambien a night so I wouldn’t remember what he’d do to me but I was pernicious and not care what he had planned.

    In May of 2016, I took two ambien and woke up the next morning in the emergency room. I had taken two ambien and I had sent a text to my mom saying I wanted to die, then I took quite a bit of my other meds. When the ambulance arrive and police, I kept screaming ‘help me, my his and sexually abuses me and mentally abuses me’. I had hidden some journals of my husbands writings and I told the police where they were… But because it’s a small town the police just said ‘okay’ and let my us and get the journals which he destroyed the next morning. I ended up checking myself into a mental hospital and they diagnosed me as having ‘secondary ptsd’ due to his ‘severe ptsd’ from Iraq. All of this only made me look crazier.

    Like I apologized earlier… I’m terriblly sorry for rambling. This is thei first article I’ve read that describes how I felt and still feel. I feel so lost and broken. I am afraid at times that it was me who was the narcissist or like my husband has eluded too… That I’m bipolar. I used to be so strong emotionally. I took care of three kids and raised them while he went off and did his own thing, spent money we didn’t really have and got the fame and glory for being a firefighter and serving our country. But now I am just broken and going through a divorce with him (and his girlfriend telling him how amazing he is and that I deserve nothing because she wants my house and property) and he’s made my life hell. He says I deserve nothing… No alimony, not the house and he even boxed up my things and wants to give them to me but I’m almost positive his girlfriend has gone through my things and pulled out what she wanted. The paperwork he has submitted to attorneys and the court isn’t correct and he has lied about pretty much anything financial. You think marriage to a narcissist leaves you questioning your own reality…. Try going through a divorce with no money. It’s pure hell.

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  16. Hi Ana,
    I came accross your site and have found it really helpful.
    I was in a friendship group with 2 other women …the narc and I were friends first and then the 3rd person entered and suddenly I wasnt as easy to manipulate so suddenly started to treat me appalingly even when I went into a pysciatric hopsital they were still treating me awfully and adding to my illness.
    I was wondering can the discard phase happen while the friendship still exists?
    The 3rd friend has become her flying monkey …speaking out about all the horrible things Ive done to the narc.Yesterday after 8 months of no contact the flying monkey contacted my friend to ask what Ive been saying about them …fear of exposure? …is this an attempt to hoover ?

    Any insight you could provide would be amazing.

    Thank you

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  17. In Response to 151 Lies:
    This is similar to what kinds of things I am told pretty much daily in the Narcissist’s insistence on being “honest.” well, maybe. Maybe what they say it true, but maybe it is not, or not for long. I’ve seen them switch what they say to the complete opposite, not in the same day, but in minutes! So maybe, as you title you comment, it’s all a lie, all of it.
    To try and figure a logic in the “content” of what they say is to become lost; to think in terms of “process” is the better way to go–and that process of their talk has a single intention: to destroy.
    For what reasons, I cannot fathom, but in reality it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them, their own wiring.

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  18. After 9 years of being with him, i finally started googling his characteristics and traits. Came up with this. I so wish I had known this a long time ago. I could have saved me. Now it’s time for recovery. I am so glad to have found this site.

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  19. Nearly two years into our relationship – The day before my wedding – I asked my soon to be husband what he thought of my sisters now that he had met them in person.

    I will never forget his reply.

    He proceeded to tell me how he had noticed the similarities and he was trying not to let it affect his attraction to me. Somehow, after meeting my beautiful sisters he had found me less attractive.

    I remember feeling sick to my stomach after he spoke of the things he did not like in them and how it had changed his view of me. He ended with a statement wishing his memory of those things would fade and he would not think of them when he looked at me eventually.

    I married him the next day, not feeling quite as beautiful as I had the day before.

    The ways a narcissist wears and tears you down reaches to the deepest parts of you, while you willingly go along with the ride- like slow anesthesia they drip their numbing poison into you until you either die, or experience the fight of your life breaking free from the mental fog and drug they’ve been injecting into your heart, soul, and mind.

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    • OMG, how horrible!
      I hope you also divorced him.
      What an a**! Unbelievable.

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      • I did.
        It was brutal- I lost everything- my home, furniture, job- and spent the better part of a year in a nasty court battle and ended up settling for less than my legal fees. He is of course, already dating again. Telling everyone I am the abuser and crazy.

        I am finally getting back on my feet. Just bought a house a few months ago- and slowly filling it back up with furniture and things we need. The most amazing part? Our life is so – peaceful- now.

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  20. Wow, the one I knew also exhibits ALL traits from your check-list.
    Mine was even jealous of one of my soothing fantasies (where I imagined a nice person holding me whenever I felt lonely, sad and scared).
    He said that this was like being unfaithful (???).
    He also often accused me of doing things I never ever did.

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    • Jennifer Smith, True Love Scam Recovery

      None of that about “being unfaithful” is true feelings… it comes out of a sociopaths desire to keep us fooled so they can use us and never be held responsible – and out of their pretty inept skills at mimicking normal people. All sociopaths are identical. Every prey or target doesn’t see or have to experience all of the range of limited and specific traits and tactics of a sociopath – but never the less – they are there. — If we don’t have to see it all we’re very fortunate! Everything they say is “not truth” and not what we think it is. – They have abnormal brains so they are unable biologically to have any positive emotional bond or care or concern or love for nay living being. – They cannot change – and wouldn’t if they could. They love being what they are – this is one of their unwavering traits.

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      • I agree.
        I guess to them it is more about control, it is the losing of said control that makes them so angry- you’ll also never know what their real intention is, at least to me it was hard to see the truth.
        He also often acted like he wanted me to be a whore (though he was one, talk about projection!) so that he could judge and hate me for it (?).
        Just….strange.
        It seemed he really wanted to hate me…but as he realized that there was nothing there to hate he imagined misdeeds of me to somehow justify his hate.
        You would never believe what kind of person he really is when he has his mask on, he is a very good actor unlike the several sociopaths I’ve met before him.
        He believes his own lies, this is why he is so good at lying.
        Mine said he has ADHD and therefore can’t concentrate (i.e. listen to me) well or can’t remember things (of course this was also a lie as his memory is not impaired: one day he said he could not remember something when he previously told me exactly what he later claimed he could not remember).
        For me this was also a life lesson which is useful to “sociopath-scan” people I meet.

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        • Jennifer Smith, True Love Scam Recovery

          Their “intention” is only to get what they want and not get caught or be held responsible. – They know they are lying. — Everything about them is a lie. They simply say things to us they’ve learned by experience get us mad, sad or afraid or in love with them so they can take what they want. — Normal people then ask: WHY? – Why would someone do this. One answer: because they are sociopaths, their abnormal brain makes them be thi sway. They can’t do or be any other way. -_ They do despise normal people. They thin we’re ridiculous. They love being what they are. They fully know they are different and don’t have emotions. – This means they also have no boundaries on what they will do or say. — It’s our emotional bonds with humanity and with individuals that cause us to behave well and treat people kindly – even treat strangers well. — They do not have this element. Their brains and so their functioning and thinking are entirely different than ours. – If we look at it with our way of thinking – which is always emotional – we will never understand it. — We have to look at it from the way the mind of a sociopath works. Read here: https://www.truelovescam.com/what-is-love-with-a-sociopath/ And: https://www.truelovescam.com/reframe-the-nightmare-with-a-sociopath/ Follow this like a strict recipe. Practice. Everything will start falling in place.

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  21. As someone who just ended a 25+ year relationship with a narc, let me just say you describe narcissism itself better than most therapists could. In fact, over the years I went to many therapists trying to figure out what was “wrong”. It wasn’t until I started googling his actual behaviors and kept having page after page on narcissism pop up that I discovered what was “wrong”. That is how I figured out what he was. Then we went for our 3rd round of marriage counseling and the counselor told me that he was a narc, and also co-dependent (which is possible and even sadder than just being a narc because they waffle back and forth between self-absorption and clinginess/neediness). She referred me to a therapist with expertise in narc-abuse, and between those 2 great ladies I was finally able to realize that nothing in hell would ever change Mr Man. Anyway at least I am free now but sadly after the split it became even more obvious that he had no identity/sense of self. I am still shocked when I think about my life with him, how awful it was. Now that he is gone, the crazy is gone with him. They should teach about personality disorders in high school so that we can recognize these people and run before they manage to partially or completely destroy us.

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  22. I just don’t know how to get him out of MY house. Ugh.

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  23. Going through this is he hardest thing we’ll likely ever do in our lives. I was so fortunate that I automatically did some things and trained myself to think about what happened, little moments and conversations, scenarios – things that went on between the two of us in the relationship, in a way that caused me to see what really happened and separate the fake relationship idea from what I needed to recover from which was grief loss trauma shock – a crime. Because these aren’t relationships, I wasn’t recovering from a lost or broken down relationship, I had to recover from a crime and at the same time be able to understand what had happened instead of the relationship that, all of us think we’re getting into and that were in. I had to see what really did happen. And I was able to do that. That heals us. Being able to see what really happened is key to recovery. While we’re with the sociopath in our daily life, everything that we think is happening and is going on between the two of us relationship wise, life wise, is absolutely not what is happening. There’s a whole parallel universe going on that is the real-deal – because of the sociopath. They have one brain we have another brain – it’s two realities colliding. We don’t know that’s happening, the sociopath does. This is normal for them. lying is their normal. Trusting, believing, being loyal, building relationships, striving to make things work, that’s our normal. And there’s nothing wrong with our normal, there is nothing wrong with us. We don’t need to change a thing. There’s nothing we could have done or should have done differently. What we do in the aftermath matters a lot.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. I left my wife after 25 years. One year on I’m still in bits. I ran my own business ..it’s now falling apart. I can’t concentrate. My self esteem is in the toilet. She managed to get me out of the family home. (which i recently built and paid for with my inheritance) She stole over 50000 from our joint account and hid it well. Worst of all..she has turned our two young children against me..says they don’t want to see me. Has blackened my name in our small town…I’m a drinker, I have abandoned the children, etc..lots of other lies. For years she used to disappear off to see her boyfriend, subconsciously I knew ..but I couldn’t face her down. I lived like a scared rabbit. I’m broken… sites like yours help me. But I still blame myself. Mostly because I can’t see my children… I lost everything. I still say to myself ..if only I had done this or done that..it would be ok. But reading about narcissism it seems likely once she got new boyfriend I was history. The past 5 years were just tactical …abusing me so I would ask for separation…I never knew there were human beings as evil and cold. Why do I regret leaving even now.
    was it all a fraud ? I am broken but I will fix.
    ..

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  25. I would like to know what is being done to lock up these vampires? It is not enough to “get out” and “move on”. I do not want my future X to do this to another person!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. I have joined a Narcissist support group on Facebook and I am glad to have found this one also.

    Like

  27. I was in a narcisstic abuse my whole life… I fell in love with him when we were children, and I admired him for over 20 years. He was my first kiss and sexual relationship, but always keeping me at distance, forbiding me to tell anyone about our affair. My whole life he kept telling me I am worthless, ugly and stupid, just to Tell me the next Moment that I am his One and only, that I am so Important to him etc.
    When I broke up our sexual relationship he was suddenly all Sweet and caring.
    After I found my now boyfriend – the best man I could ever imagine – he told me that he wanted to be in a relationship with me. Now, All thought I Never want another man than my current boyfriend, it is hard to let Go the past and sometimes in weak Moments I feel like a shadow is overwhelming me. I feel like I am not worth to be with my boyfriend, like I Will Never be a good Woman to him and that One day I might have to Return to the Monster I Spend so many years of my Young life with.
    I just wish I could forget the past, let Go off all the regrets and all the what-ifs, the good and Bad memories. I just want to be happy with my boyfriend, the man I truly want to Spend my life with!

    Like

    • Nadine Lockhart

      Oh, boy, would the Narcissist love to know he’s still in your head and therefore, poisoning what you have now. Let it go, the good and the bad memories of him. The good was false and the bad was aimed at your destruction; otherwise, even the bad had nothing to do with you in particular, only you as victim in general . You could have been anyone that fit his profile for a victim.
      If you feel you don’t deserve the new man it is because of the negative programing all those years BUT it has no truth.
      I hope the new person is not a Narcissist as they don’t show all their cards in the beginning and we tend to repeat our poor selection patternns.

      Like

  28. Would love to talk to you more about your blog. Thank you for posting all this.

    Like

  29. I was thinking I am looking back on my marriage and i think I am wrong about my husband what I love him what should I do I want him home for his birthday party is tomorrow. Im so lost without him

    Like

    • Oh my gosh, I totally understand what you’re saying, I really get how you’re feeling. But please don’t do it I hope you didn’t do it I know this date has passed where in February now. Everything about these relationships is a scam, it’s fake, sociopath don’t love anyone. It’s so confusing because we think it was a relationship. Actually there’s like two worlds going on at the same time our normal loving, relationship building, loyal take on everything trying to make everything good. And then there’s the sociopaths life going on at the same time which is all fake. They don’t love us they don’t love anyone, they use and destroy other people and that’s all there is. So this is the hardest thing you’ll ever do in your life but you can do it find a way to see these two realities I did instinctively and trained myself content to continue looking at it that way and then recovered well from what was real the financial damage, loss of something I thought was going to be my future for sure, I had grief shock had to go to quarts police all kinds of big messes, but it was not a relationship, it’s not relationships that we are getting over. And going back to them…? The damage will be exponentially worse to the point of our total destraction if they have their way.

      Like

  30. From my heart….THANK YOU !

    Like

  31. its 9:16 and I found your blog site and this is how I feel completely why does he not love me like i love him its me i feel like im going crazy i got to the point of putting a post on my page i feel like im having a break down he keeps me isolated my only outlet is my dreamcatcher cause for cancer and my facebook page and some close family n friends but i feel like im loosing them all because they dont believe me anymore im not lying he portrays that im the one at fault for all of it im hurting so bad i left and cameback and no one believes me he tells others different things than does the opposite when hes home with me im tired hurt and emotionally drained from all of this help me please someone 😢😢😰

    Like

    • It’s not you. And you’re not alone. Sociopath do not love anyone all of the bad is the real with a sociopath. They have a different brand than we do. Really. Biologically, scientifically I refer to them almost as a different species. They absolutely have a different brain then other normal loving people. Their reality is lying stealing, and ruining. I live off of normal people. Were fuzzy soft loving mammals, and they are snakes lizards the reptiles they would eat their young they eat anyone and everyone in their path and yet ironically at the same time everyone in their path, everyone in their life is how they survive, literally: financially how to get food, have a place to stay. Everything about their life is fake, it’s a house of cards. – you’re not crazy. How you feel right now it’s completely normal under the circumstances. Everyone of us that has been in snared by a sociopath has felt this way. There’s nothing wrong with you. Our safety is in getter my away from the monster – and not confronting him not telling them we’re breaking up. That seems very strange I know it’s hard for us to just walk away but it is what we have to do for her safety: find someway to get them to go or we leave without telling them. And then we all go “no contact” – it means we block them on social media we block them in our phones we block them in Facebook (not “unfriending” that doesn’t protect us) we use the block function in all our devices and apps and on social media there’s always a way to block someone with in Facebook or Pinterest or Twitter or whatever it is and that’s what we have to do change our door locks keep them away from us until they stop trying to come back. And we can never respond to their appeals because it’s all fake it’s a trap. You can break free there’s nothing wrong with you nothing at all you’re perfect.

      Liked by 1 person

  32. I can’t thank you enough for your blog. After 22 years with the narc; two children, and a move to a new country for his work (which he lured us to with promises of a new start). He ditched us and now is on a terror tirade toward me. Keeping my home stable and drama free and love is my goal for me and my kids. He seems to have ditched the kids too…which is a source of pain for me to watch him play them too. He has taken so much of my life. You finally describe the horror and I thank you. God bless you.

    Like

    • Oh my gosh, when I escaped the sociopath who had hijacked me I did it by getting him to leave I discovered many things he had done that were absolutely horrific. And one of those things was one of the other women he was involved with and actually lived with for four years in another country with their children and she was waiting for him to send for her and the children to come and live in the city he was in with me and married to me. She knew nothing about me I knew nothing about her and there were many other women and many other children as it turned out that she and I both have discovered she and I have become great friends and we blew up his world. Sociopaths do abandon their children, they don’t want their children at all – they don’t love their children, they don’t love anyone and for some reason they love to leave children scattered all over the globe. The best thing you could do is never respond to him again block him in every way in your phone from your emails never respond. My friend in the other country who has his children made the mistake of sending back emails that he would send to her accusing her of being friends with me and that I’m evil and that’s why he doesn’t take care of their children which of course is a lie. He would never take care of the children anyway he’s never seen them since they were six months old and now they are five and six years old. But at this moment – because she answered his email saying, “all I want is peace” and things like that – it wouldn’t have mattered what she said in the emails it’s the fact that she stayed connected to him staying in contact ruins us because it leaves the door open for them. – He is now taking her to court to try to get the children of course he won’t there’s many reasons he won’t but nevertheless he’s never given up trying to harass her. This is possible only because she did not block him. Best way to go as always to block them from our lives forever. – Sending all good things your way.

      Like

  33. The healing process can be so slow. It’s been ten years since our divorce, four years since he died and STILL he lives on in my head and dreams. He was my life; married 25 years and although life is better the man I believed in (not the one who really existed) remains the love of my life. Our children now have children, and I still delude myself thinking he would’ve changed. In my head I know better but my heart still wants to hold on.

    Like

  34. I am trying to figure out if my soon to be ex husband is a narcissist. He never put me down like I see in these other stories. He was pretty good to me, always asking me how my day was when I got home from work. He was affectionate, giving me kisses and hugs. We were together for 6 years (married for 2). He did leave me for a few months after we had been together for 2 and a half years.The reason he left me this time was because I had noticed a change in his behavior so I checked the phone records and found out he was having very long phone conversations with someone else. My first marriage ended in my ex cheating on me so I was devastated when I saw this. It only lasted a week before I confronted him. He completely dismissed what I was accusing him of and turned on me saying that I was controlling him and treating him like he was a child! I couldn’t even bring up the fact that he was having an emotional affair with someone else! He left me and said it was over. He has told me and my daughter that he will sign the house (that we just purchased a few months ago) over to me and he won’t try to take any money from me (he’s on Social Security and I have a full time job) as long as I am nice about the whole situation. In some ways I feel that he is a narcissist but we had a good relationship prior to this. Very confused.

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  35. Thanks for this. Like you Ana my partner of 37 years is a classic narcissist. He is also an alcoholic. He has not been physically abusive for a year and a half but continues to rage at me. I can’t seem to leave. I too have the classic symptoms of shame, withdrawal, shaking, fear. I have no one to talk to. I’m reading lots, trying to heal, trying to do good things for me.

    Like

  36. Well, here I am. The classic victim of a narc. Only it took me 40 years of marriage to figure out that I was NOT to blame. After I found that his web porn had graduated to transgender porn, I was destroyed. I was so angry I would have killed him ,but the wasn’t worth going to jail for. I have been in therapy for the last 5 years. That is where I discovered what I was really dealing with. Now, I have grown children and grandchildren who think he is just fine because they know nothing of who he really is. I can’t bring myself to tell them because I can’t devastate them like he has devastated me. So I am stuck here just trying to get to the end of my life with some self respect. I have turned to God for love and companionship. I try to be decent to my spouse, but also try to not spend much time with him. I volunteer to help others through my church, which allows me to be away from him and receive the kindness of those who love me for who I am. If only I had seen him for who he is before I married him. It is so depressing to think that my whole live has been wasted on a person who can’t even see me as a good and worthy human being.

    Like

  37. Thank you so much, it’s been so hard dealing with this great pain! As a man having been a victim in a nine year relationship with a narcissistic woman who I swore was the love of my life destroyed my life. No one believes the horrific things she’s done, the numerous cheating, the comparisons, the putdowns! Why has this happened to me! You can imagine how many examples of men that have had there whole lives changed by a narc woman that don’t exhist…. thinking that something must be wron with me has been the only thing that makes any sense now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jennifer Smith, True Love Scam Recovery

      There is nothing wrong with you. There is everything wrong with narcissists or more accurately narcissistic sociopaths. They truly – biologically – have a different brain than normal healthy people that leaves them very limited in hoe they view the world, themselves and hoe they think and without a conscience. The only things they care about are getting what they want, taking from others and not getting caught – they do love to destroy — destruction varies, but is always fallout and damage for any person entangled, ensnared by a sociopath – this is who they are. There is nothing else.

      Like

  38. I am freshly getting out of this and i’m not coping well. We have a daughter together and still have to get a divorce. What do I do? I’m hurting and most do not understand.

    Like

  39. I think our greatest gift is being able to help others avoid the pain we have gone through with narcissists. There is something noble and wonderful about helping others avoid the pain we went through in those types of situations.

    Liked by 1 person

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