About ANA

ANA was developed out of sheer desperation of the human spirit clinging to it’s last bit of hope.

Lost and confused after ending a long term relationship that at one point had felt like the greatest “love” of my life, I struggled to find answers and put a finger on just WHAT IT WAS that had gone so terribly wrong.

So desperate was my need for answers, I sat on my therapists couch, tears streaming down my face, begging him to tell me, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEE?”

His answer surprised me; and forever changed the way I view this world.

“You were in a domestically abusive relationship.”

“WHAT?????”  I asked in utter shock. “But he didn’t “hit” me?”

He answered with, “Not with his fists.  You are dealing with a narcissist. You have just ended an abusive relationship with a NARCISSIST.”

My mind whirled  – when I heard my therapist name what it was – I began to be flooded with many examples from the narcissist’s behavior that fit what the therapist was telling me.

The narcissist lured me into a toxic affair with charm, mind games, promises & flattery – sold me on a soul mate love that he’d never felt before and then proceeded to take every good thing he could from me; my love, my innocence, my trust, my sense of justice, my kindness, my empathy, my unconditional love, and my good name – and replaced it with abuse. Lies about me (he told others I was stalking him), got me fired from jobs, created a fake website about me claiming that I was crazy, delusional, a drug addict, and even talked poorly about my children, who he was a father figure to for years.

The therapist ran over the list of symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder:

Lack of empathy? Check!
Boasting about his image? Check!
Perfectionism? Check!
Lack of boundaries? Check!
Expects special treatment? Check!

Obsessive Compulsive and sexually perverted? Check!

Pathological lying? Multiple serial affairs and cheating? Check!

Guilt tripping?  Check!
Passive aggressive? Check!
Possessive, Jealous, downright mean? Check!
Controlling. Wouldnt ‘allow’ me to have feelings or express them? Check!
Loved by everyone on the outside – but HATED by those who know the real them? Check!

I was dating the poster boy for narcissism

For the first time in many years….I finally felt that IT WASNT ME,  like the narcissist had blamed me for over & over.  It explained why I’d never been able to do anything right to ‘earn’  his “love”.

From that day on, I promised God that if he brought me through the darkness, that I would pay forward the knowledge of everything I learned through my lesson, about the narcissist, their red flags, their abuse, my upbringing with a narcissistic parent, my own vulnerabilities and how to never allow myself to be exploited again by another narcissistic individual; be it a boss, boyfriend, family member or friend.

My philosophy is very simple: KNOWLEDGE IS POWER  – I am making available all the knowledge I’ve gained as a result of this experience with a narcissistic abuser in an effort to help empower you and let you know  that you are not alone in your suffering.

There truly is Light, Life, Love & Laughter after narcissistic abuse, It is my hope for you, that you truly come to know this for yourself.

xo,

ANA

 

 

  1. Thank you. I so needed to read this. so needed to

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  2. I am so very glad that I found this information about life after……I am in the divorce stage right now. I do not have any contact with him at all. In reading the articles what hurts most is the fact that I was just an object. He hasn’t wasted any time searching out his next victim. 24 years of lessons? I know I am not alone, but I feel so alone. Got a long road ahead, and it is good…… Thanks for posting, feels like your writing my life.

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  3. Hi ANA, came across your posts on Facebook way back 4.5 years ago when in the very early days aftermath of an horrific demise to a narcopath/bpd relationship.

    Your posts then were literally the very first things I’d ever read re: NPD and boy has it ever been a (recovery) journey since.

    Can say with absolute truth your FB posts were one of the key things that kept me alive at that time. It would take a novel to recite the lows, highs, recycling of issues, finally understanding the family of origin stuff (the deeply embedded narc dynamics go back generations) and tracing everything back and developing a frame of reference for this insidious disorder.

    Am very grateful you ‘paid it forward’ and just at the right time too, as I daresay I wouldn’t be here today if it were not so. Yes, it was that impactful finding your Facebook page and realising I was not alone and I was not crazy.

    So THANKYOU VERY MUCH for your contribution to enlightening and healing the survivors of these evil creatures.

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    • You’re very very welcome!!! We were SAVED together – as we both journeyed through our selves and unlearning what we’d learned in exactly the same timing! Thanks so much for coming back and letting me know!! It means the world to me to know that God’s work was accomplished through me and helped you!!! xoxoxo

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  4. Veronica Hernlem

    Hello Ana! Is there anywhere out there for specific Narc resources on how I can help document my situation for credibility to present legally in the town where I live while going forward with my much needed divorce/with two children? I have checked in my town and the resources is very limited in the specific effects of Narc abuse in the family. I feel overwhelmed! Thank you for all you do and Share, you are a Blessing! <3

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  5. Thank you for this. I just went through a horrible divorce after 14 years of trying to figure out why I couldn’t be good enough for my husband, why everything I did was wrong. I was so scared to divorce him and I was right to be. He did things to me during our divorce that I didn’t even think he was capable of after years of emotional and verbal abuse. Your website finally helped me find a name for what I’ve been dealing with. It helped me feel like I wasn’t just crazy. I still have a lot of healing to do and he is still a major part of my life because we have three children, but I’m doing my best and trying to keep my kids happy and to understand what we are all dealing with. Thank you so much.

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  6. Thank you for all of the information. You have explained…the drama and confusion! Thank you for making this easier to understand, how this happened, why I feel so…disjointed, but your articles give me hope. I see there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I won’t always feel like this. Thank you!!

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  7. I was in an 11 year relationship with, what I now know to be, a quintessential covert narcissist. We were in couples therapy the first time he came up behind me, threw me across one room and when I stood up screaming for him to stop he threw me into another room before I was able to escape. The therapist did nothing! He continued the therapy saying that we had to make amends; he never looked at the cause. Meanwhile, I am literally covered in huge bruises. The therapist confused us both but I told the narc if he ever did that again I’d call the police. He pushed me, I fell and I called the police and had him arrested. My death sentence: his friends and public knew. He however guilted me so that I paid half of his legal fee and apologized and wept I was so guilty. Then just before the discard he told me that he kept me around when he was furious with me “so I wouldn’t have to carry that with me for the rest of my life”; he then baited me to get angry so that he could end the relationship but when I didn’t get angry he baited me again finally telling me he had someone else. I haven’t contacted him since (several months ago) I simply won’t be humiliated any more. // He said that he was going to stay alone for several months to get over me and then “throw” himself into another relationship, a healthy one. She has to be an expert sailor so they can live his dream of sailing the world. He’s also in therapy, due to me. He said that his next achievement in therapy will be “to tolerate disappointment”. Does anyone reading this think he has a chance to actually get psychologically better? After the police he controlled his impulsivity. He did apparently stay alone for a least a little while. ie this is a small town. To me, he’s getting better. Won’t he eventually just devalue her even though he needs her to sail? How will he manage that criticism, devaluation of her and not discard? I’m much better but I need some feedback on this question even thought it’s about him.

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  8. Thank you so much for your very informative article. After having a restraining order filed against me, cps contacted based on bogus accusations reported to a therapist my daughter is seeing for anxiety, and basically feeling completely lost and hopeless I realized that this man I called my husband and loved for 10 years of my life is so disturbed he is willing to destroy a relationship between a mother and her children. My beautiful girls are my world and he is trying to prove me unfit and take them away based on lies. What kind of monster would do this break up his family? We are not yet separated but living apart..I’m only In the beginning stages of this fight but now for the first time in 10 years I am fully aware of what is going on. I feel my strength returning and I am prepared to fight. I deserve my children with me and want them full time and after reading your article I am so fearful that I am not even aware of the extent of the lies and mistrust he has conned them into beleiving. If you feel comfortable doing so please contact me through email I would like more insight from you based on your experiences on how to proceed in this fight. Thanks again so much for having the courage to post your struggle. The insight is priceless and greatly appreciated.

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  9. Your posts are very encourageing and helpful.. Non conact is the only answer ..but…………..not possible when your ex is an x wife who has used the state to convince the lawmakers that YOU are the problem… When you have a child ..As I do who I see being damaged by the narc , day by day, the monstrous journey never ends… My journey is a perpetual non stop roller-coaster.. Always negotiating and never being able to switch off and get away from the medusa. It very nearly cost me my life… and now I fear for my child in the long term. How oh how can I possibly recover ..no one beleaves me as she is SO VERY SWEET and innocent…Even my daughter is sucked in . NO HOPE x

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  10. Thank you for creating such an informative website – I can not stop reading all of your posts. You provide such great detail into their “world”! I am recovering from a relationship and a marriage with narcissist. I did not fully see the effects of the abuse until I was out of the relationship and spent time in therapy. Reading your posts have helped me heal. During all of this I lost my corporate job of 15 yrs and part of me questioned if he had something to do with it. I never had any issues at work until we had issues in our marriage – the timing of everything and his comments about my job just seemed to coincidental! I would like to ask, how did you know that the narcissist got you fired? What did you do about it, if anything? I treat each day as one more day I have behind me that I don’t have him in my life and I can move on!

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  11. I enjoy you website and sharing your posts with my readers. I wanted to take a moment to say that I have nominated you for the “Once a Victim, Now a Survivor Award”. Please see my post at http://darque.me/2015/07/13/once-a-victim-now-a-survivor-award-1/ for further details. I would love it if you can participate!

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  12. The understanding of other survivors is what keeps me from total despair. It’s so true what they say that unless you’ve experienced it you just don’t get it. Thank you for your website, for your compassion and for your understanding. My tears come so easy. It’s only been three months.

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  13. Thank you for bringing together this community and for the wealth of really, really good information about NPD. I am coming up on two years of continued healing. While I’ve read many things on your site that have forced me into some harsh realizations about what truly happened to me in my 30 year marriage, I’ve also found a great deal of comfort in knowing that I’m not alone and I’m NOT CRAZY.

    It doesn’t make it any easier mind you – and now memories of the sexual depravity and sexual manipulation are starting to come out. Yet another complicated layer of the narcissist who is NO LONGER in my life.

    No contact is the only way!

    Pat

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  14. If you are going through a divorce with a narcissist and have a child how can you make the court see him as a threat to the child? Anyone go through this?

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  15. HI Ana…I apologize if this is not the best means to contact you. You do great work and reach so many people through your site and Facebook. I wanted to ask you a great favor. I recently completed a free online program for recovery from narc abuse and wondered if you might be kind enough to take the time to look at it at lucyrising.com. If you think it would be helpful, I would very much appreciate your sharing the word with your readers. Thank you and keep up all you do to help victims of narcissists!

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  16. Your story is mine….it is so remarkable that they are all like carbon copies. That is how you know it’s a mental disorder, exhibiting the same symptoms like a physical illness exhibits the same symptoms in order to be diagnosed. I am 6 months out NC, and with one slip by me (which I am trying to forgive myself for), I am standing as strong as I can and am getting stronger everyday. I am blessed to have a best friend who is a former addict and has been clean and sober for 30 years and pointed so much out to me and finally I woke up to the NPD my Narc suffers from, then it took another 2 years to break away…and yes, he has an aclohol addiction thrown into the mix. He has no empathy, absolutely none, and has more arrogance than one could imagine with little reason (Hugh Jackman he ain’t!) and out of the 9 symptoms used to diagnose he has 7-8 (with 5 being the number for a psychiatric diagnosis). It was very scary how he took me down the path I went down and lost my sense of self along the way, along with 10 lbs from the stress. I am healing and have put on most of the weight and the self esteem is coming back daily.

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  17. Thank you for all you have done, I can relate so much, and I took it for over 25 years, it like listening to myself and you tell your story, I still have trust issues, but I talk about it with great friends and I know things only will get better. Thank you, by the way why do they always call us drug addicts, he spread that rumor for years to his who family, I am drunk, she’s stoned, to talk about your own wife like that, but that allows them to do what they want by making us the bad guy. Jan (jack spitz is his name anyone who reads this watch out for him, you will be next)

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  18. Thanks! This is very helpful!

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  19. survivorinlifeandlove

    I’m recovering from a NPD/BPD. Seeing a new post is like a breath of fresh air. Thank you for sharing.

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  20. Cosby interview was typical, nauseating avoidance responses. True pathos

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  21. You write some very informational & well-thought-out posts. I visit your site almost daily to read your new posts & share some with my readers. I’m inspired to know more, learn more & continue my rocky road, (fairly new) recovery after a lifetime of abuse (75% caused by my Svengali, psychopath narcissist husband of 20+ LONG torturous years), whom I finally escaped… I don’t know if I’ve ever thanked you for your posts, but I would like to say that your writing really does make sense to me & it really has an impact on my life, thank you so much for bravely sharing…

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  22. My narcissist passed away last month…this may sound horrible but I’m saying it anyway…after 25 yrs.my life is no longer hell on Earth. Do I grieve for him, yes, but both of us have finally found peace (at least I have). His actions caused much upheaval, especially in the past 18 months after he got sick (changed the life policies to his sisters, leaving the boys and I with nothing but a funeral bill). His family that NEVER had anything to do with him finally bought into his deceptiveness and have turned against me and our two boys BUT that is ok. I can live my remaining days knowing I no longer have to endure the games and petty BS. I doubt I’ll ever do another relationship but that is ok too..the BS is gone and I plan to keep it that way..

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  23. Thank you for creating this website. I am still battling with the issues of the narcissist. I have never felt so empty and a lack of self and ability to live life. Unbelievable the negative effects of this treatment. Thank you for giving a voice

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    • Libby,

      You WILL survive this experience and you WILL thrive again. I understand the hopeless, empty feelings you have with PRECISION. It’s something that only other survivors can “get” without your need to convey all the words to try to get someone to understand (and validate you).

      I encourage you to surround yourself with as much authentic support and validation as possible, read everything you can on the disorder to increase your knowledge, which will not only increase your power, but it will give you the boundaries necessary to distinguish between the disordered person who abused you and the person who YOU ARE. You are not to blame for this abuse. You are NOT crazy. You deserve RESPECTFUL treatment; something a narcissist is incapable of giving.

      You’re in my thoughts and prayers!!!

      Ana

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