About ANA

ANA was developed out of sheer desperation of the human spirit clinging to it’s last bit of hope.

Lost and confused after ending a long term relationship that at one point had felt like the greatest “love” of my life, I struggled to find answers and put a finger on just WHAT IT WAS that had gone so terribly wrong.

So desperate was my need for answers, I sat on my therapists couch, tears streaming down my face, begging him to tell me, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEE?”

His answer surprised me; and forever changed the way I view this world.

“You were in a domestically abusive relationship.”

“WHAT?????”  I asked in utter shock. “But he didn’t “hit” me?”

He answered with, “Not with his fists.  You are dealing with a narcissist. You have just ended an abusive relationship with a NARCISSIST.”

My mind whirled  – when I heard my therapist name what it was – I began to be flooded with many examples from the narcissist’s behavior that fit what the therapist was telling me.

The narcissist lured me into a toxic affair with charm, mind games, promises & flattery – sold me on a soul mate love that he’d never felt before and then proceeded to take every good thing he could from me; my love, my innocence, my trust, my sense of justice, my kindness, my empathy, my unconditional love, and my good name – and replaced it with abuse. Lies about me (he told others I was stalking him), got me fired from jobs, created a fake website about me claiming that I was crazy, delusional, a drug addict, and even talked poorly about my children, who he was a father figure to for years.

The therapist ran over the list of symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder:

Lack of empathy? Check!
Boasting about his image? Check!
Perfectionism? Check!
Lack of boundaries? Check!
Expects special treatment? Check!

Obsessive Compulsive and sexually perverted? Check!

Pathological lying? Multiple serial affairs and cheating? Check!

Guilt tripping?  Check!
Passive aggressive? Check!
Possessive, Jealous, downright mean? Check!
Controlling. Wouldnt ‘allow’ me to have feelings or express them? Check!
Loved by everyone on the outside – but HATED by those who know the real them? Check!

I was dating the poster boy for narcissism

For the first time in many years….I finally felt that IT WASNT ME,  like the narcissist had blamed me for over & over.  It explained why I’d never been able to do anything right to ‘earn’  his “love”.

From that day on, I promised God that if he brought me through the darkness, that I would pay forward the knowledge of everything I learned through my lesson, about the narcissist, their red flags, their abuse, my upbringing with a narcissistic parent, my own vulnerabilities and how to never allow myself to be exploited again by another narcissistic individual; be it a boss, boyfriend, family member or friend.

My philosophy is very simple: KNOWLEDGE IS POWER  – I am making available all the knowledge I’ve gained as a result of this experience with a narcissistic abuser in an effort to help empower you and let you know  that you are not alone in your suffering.

There truly is Light, Life, Love & Laughter after narcissistic abuse, It is my hope for you, that you truly come to know this for yourself.

xo,

ANA

 

 

  1. I see a lot of woman on here feel so bad for y’all. My narc was a woman of 35 years old with a child, I’m 25. Such a terrible party for the year of hell that I thought was love. I still cry though she made it as painful as possible for me. Lieng backstabbing manipulation it hurts so much I did so much for her and she never reciprocated anything emotionally. I just feel like I’ll never be the same sometimes. I’m much less patient with people and at a time I was one of the most patient people I knew. Does anyone have any advice on dealing with the subconscious anger?

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    • First, it is very common to experience identity shifts after encountering narcissistic people. It’s possible to get yourself back, just a stronger version, but it really takes a ton of honesty and hard work.

      Because the many losses these relationships cause us to suffer, we have an intense and extended grief process / cycle. Anger, is part of that cycle. It’s a fuel, a motivator that propels us through all the stages and of course, serves its own purpose of expressing the reaction we have to the unnecessary hurting we did because narcissist enjoys taking advantage of and using other people. (taking without giving back).

      My advice Joe, would be to not let the anger remain dormant (as you put it, subconscious). Get it out of you in healthy ways. Some of those ways involve: physical exercise, journaling/ writing about the anger, seeing a therapist, or posting on pages like ours where you can get the support and validation for your feelings – even anger.

      Your anger at your former partner is justified. You were treated inappropriately, whether she realizes it or not. As you know if you’ve read up on the disorder, narcissists NEVER take responsibility for their behavior so many of the things she did to you, she will blame you for. Trying to get her to apologize, see the error of her ways, or realize the tremendous hurt she caused you is FUTILE. Wasted energy & breath that can be better spent discharging your pent up emotions in a healthy manner and tending to your own self care so that you heal.

      Please feel free to reach out to us and all the survivors in our community either here on our blog, or on our facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442

      Take care of yourself! You are WORTH IT!!

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  2. Wow. My only regret is not having found this site and others a long time ago. My N was in law enforcement, and its amazing how that can strike even further fear into your heart (when you realize how he has snookered his co-workers into believe that you’re having an affair and then you realize not only is your husband stalking you, but so is his co-workers…all of whom carried guns and watched your movement!). Whirlwind romance, too good to be true, then he said after we got married I was the one who changed…once our names were signed to that paper! He backed me into corners financially and with property…and many moons later, the love of his life finally freed herself from her husband and, buddy, I was gone with the wind, thrown away like trash. Off he trotted with her, leaving his children and me behind….devastated. I lost the home I paid for, my retirement fund, my vehicle, struggling with a low-paying job with two children still at home. And EVERYTHING I have to FIGHT for: a roof over my head, child support… I mean FIGHT for! He took my floor jack and jumper cables and I have to drive 3 hrs to meet him with my children and don’t have those items b/c I can’t afford to get them! They are slick wolves in sheep clothing. It took me forever to realize I was victimized, punished myself for allowing myself to be caught up in something like that. I am a strong personality and NEVER would have thought I would be in such a position. I, too, wanted to do what I could to help others who are in the midst of such a storm. It’s an interesting animal, to be sure. If there is anything I can do to help…by all means let me know!

    Things to look out for:
    Whirlwind romance
    God complex
    Your friends and family interaction dwindling
    “Nobody likes you.”
    “You hate me b/c you cooked THAT!”
    “You’re just mad b/c you’re not getting your way!”
    “I just can’t win with you, (name), can I?”
    “You don’t trust me, that’s why you don’t let me have my name on bank acct/house/car.”
    “Something’s wrong with you, that’s why you don’t want to do ___ in the bedroom.”

    I tried to find sites that would help me deal with him and possibly save the marriage. HA! The best advice is the one I didn’t want to hear: “RUN!!! While you still are alive and breathing…RUN!” They cannot be fixed. WHY SHOULD THEY BE!? You are talking to a narcissist…someone who has already reached perfection!
    My advice? RUN!

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  3. Amazing! I moved our of my home a left my N the end of May 2015. Still not divorced but living in my own place and exception of seeing him at a couple of community event theatre has been no contact for months (2 I think)

    It has been a learning experience. I know I am mentally still deling with what I went thru in our 9 year marriage. I am learning who are friends and who aren’t. Those I thought were “best” friends have ousted me.

    STBXNH has moved on, best of my calculations he chad a new lady in July for sure, maybe earlier. Me, I’m still married I will not date until divorce is final, working hard to heal and seem to be making some progress. I do hope one day I too can help others understand what they have been thru.

    I know I am not to blame for the treatment I endured, and right now I am working hard to figure out why I fell for his nonsense. Scares are deep but they are healing, I have a great attorney and a fabulous counselor. They are my dream team, two wonderful ladies and I will get past this, thanks for sharing your story.

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  4. Ana, I am grateful to come across your website and hear the voice of another woman who went through what feels like a carbon copy of the same experience; it’s uncanny. I am so fortunate to have finally ended my relationship with mine. Every day I stitch my life back together as I walk my journey home to Self, putting one foot in front of the other. I shared my story recently on a wordpress blog.

    Please feel free to share with anyone you think it might help. Much love to your on your journey. You are an incredibility courageous woman.

    Much Love, Aimee

    https://lovetrustfaithblog.wordpress.com/2015/12/29/blindsided-heartbreak-what-a-relationship-with-a-narcissist-looks-like/

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  5. Thank you so much for all of the helpful, valuable and empowering information you are sharing with us, giving us the knowledge to deal with the Narc in our life. Please, please, can you construct a website/blog page geared toward helping teenaged (or younger) children dealing with the Narcissistic parent in their life? My own grandchildren have been dealing with a Narc parent and have finally recognized how toxic this parent is. They need guidance and help dealing with their feelings and coping strategies. Since being away from the toxic parent, they are so much happier, more calm, able to focus and feel more secure. It would help to have something for them to constantly refer to (on THEIR level) on a daily basis for comfort, strength and coping. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and please keep up the excellent job you’re doing enlightening the public (and the victims) about Narcissistic Abuse and Recovery. God bless!

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  6. I just happened to come across your blog and I cannot thank you enough for your honesty. I am going through my own stuff and your post has finally put a label on it.

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  7. Thanks for your site! I realized about a year ago that I was married to a narcissist, and I am in the midst of trying to divorce him now. He is the flag bearer for all of these traits, and I have to say that divorcing has not been easy, particularly with small children at stake; he is turning on all of his charm to try to convince me to stay with him, but I don’t think I could ever trust him again after everything that has happened. He has also started calling me, his family, basically everyone else in his life a narcissist to try to deflect blame for his bad behavior, while using our children as pawns. It is an ongoing struggle. Thanks for putting voice to all of this, I look forward to reading all of your posts!!

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  8. Oh my god. Thank you. Thank you for this blog. I had to go to nursing school with my narcissistic abuser – I identify with everything you’ve said and now am exhibiting those symptoms of PTSD all while thinking I am literally going insane. I am reading every word of your blog – I have shown it to my roommates and girlfriends from school and they have become inspired to read it and help me through this MESS I allowed into my life.

    THANK YOU. Thank you for putting into words what I am only starting to be free from. Thank you thank you. I’m starting to hope again.

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  9. Just wanted to say I love your blog and follow you on FB. As a survivor of a 12 year relationship with a narcissist/psychopath, I am called, as you are, to gather and share as much information as I can to expose these monsters! I recently started a FB page ‘He Said The Sky Was Purple- The Narcissist’ and have shared several of your posts. I am returning to college ( at the age of 53 ) to finish up my BS in Psychology and minor in Creative Non-Fiction. I plan to put out as much information as humanly possible to help educate the masses. I truly believe if I can help even one person dodge the narcissist’s bullet, it will make my 12 years in hell not be wasted. Kudos for a job well done, keep fighting the good fight and have a blessed Christmas!

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  10. Thank You!!! After 12 years of Physical & Emotional Abuse, Self Harm and Addiction I have just realized I’m not losing my mind. Merry Xmas- it’s already a disaster in the making but this just saved me. I don’t know how to get out yet due to my 13 yr old Stepson (I’m the Breadwinner) but I do see it’s a possibility…….without crawling back in shame…. There is HOPE starting to grow.

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  11. Thank you so much… Im a 25 year old male my qualifier girlfriend of 35 years old really put me through it. I thought she had narcissistic tendencies but I had doubted my own institution for so long. It helps to hear that other people understand how difficult the recovery can be? Where do I start?

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  12. Hey I am a research student and I would like to ask your permission in a formal way to use the data (stories and maybe blogs) on this website to analyse for my research on those who have cohabitated with a narcissist. Can you email me back so I can officially send you the invitation. This is bonafide research conducted through Queensland University of Technology in Queensland Australia. The invitation explains more and you can choose either way without any repercussions.

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  13. im in physical pain atm not from him hitting me just my body feels so tense and i feel sick without him

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  14. Hi Ana – thank you so much for sharing your story. I’d like to submit an article I’ve written about overcoming the aftermath of dealing with a narcissist. Thank you!

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  15. I feel like a mist has lifted. I’ve been subjected to this for 20 years. Never realized exactly what was going on.

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