About ANA

ANA was developed out of sheer desperation of the human spirit clinging to it’s last bit of hope.

Lost and confused after ending a long term relationship that at one point had felt like the greatest “love” of my life, I struggled to find answers and put a finger on just WHAT IT WAS that had gone so terribly wrong.

So desperate was my need for answers, I sat on my therapists couch, tears streaming down my face, begging him to tell me, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEE?”

His answer surprised me; and forever changed the way I view this world.

“You were in a domestically abusive relationship.”

“WHAT?????”  I asked in utter shock. “But he didn’t “hit” me?”

He answered with, “Not with his fists.  You are dealing with a narcissist. You have just ended an abusive relationship with a NARCISSIST.”

My mind whirled  – when I heard my therapist name what it was – I began to be flooded with many examples from the narcissist’s behavior that fit what the therapist was telling me.

The narcissist lured me into a toxic affair with charm, mind games, promises & flattery – sold me on a soul mate love that he’d never felt before and then proceeded to take every good thing he could from me; my love, my innocence, my trust, my sense of justice, my kindness, my empathy, my unconditional love, and my good name – and replaced it with abuse. Lies about me (he told others I was stalking him), got me fired from jobs, created a fake website about me claiming that I was crazy, delusional, a drug addict, and even talked poorly about my children, who he was a father figure to for years.

The therapist ran over the list of symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder:

Lack of empathy? Check!
Boasting about his image? Check!
Perfectionism? Check!
Lack of boundaries? Check!
Expects special treatment? Check!

Obsessive Compulsive and sexually perverted? Check!

Pathological lying? Multiple serial affairs and cheating? Check!

Guilt tripping?  Check!
Passive aggressive? Check!
Possessive, Jealous, downright mean? Check!
Controlling. Wouldnt ‘allow’ me to have feelings or express them? Check!
Loved by everyone on the outside – but HATED by those who know the real them? Check!

I was dating the poster boy for narcissism

For the first time in many years….I finally felt that IT WASNT ME,  like the narcissist had blamed me for over & over.  It explained why I’d never been able to do anything right to ‘earn’  his “love”.

From that day on, I promised God that if he brought me through the darkness, that I would pay forward the knowledge of everything I learned through my lesson, about the narcissist, their red flags, their abuse, my upbringing with a narcissistic parent, my own vulnerabilities and how to never allow myself to be exploited again by another narcissistic individual; be it a boss, boyfriend, family member or friend.

My philosophy is very simple: KNOWLEDGE IS POWER  – I am making available all the knowledge I’ve gained as a result of this experience with a narcissistic abuser in an effort to help empower you and let you know  that you are not alone in your suffering.

There truly is Light, Life, Love & Laughter after narcissistic abuse, It is my hope for you, that you truly come to know this for yourself.

xo,

ANA

 

 

  1. In Response to 151 Lies:
    This is similar to what kinds of things I am told pretty much daily in the Narcissist’s insistence on being “honest.” well, maybe. Maybe what they say it true, but maybe it is not, or not for long. I’ve seen them switch what they say to the complete opposite, not in the same day, but in minutes! So maybe, as you title you comment, it’s all a lie, all of it.
    To try and figure a logic in the “content” of what they say is to become lost; to think in terms of “process” is the better way to go–and that process of their talk has a single intention: to destroy.
    For what reasons, I cannot fathom, but in reality it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them, their own wiring.

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  2. After 9 years of being with him, i finally started googling his characteristics and traits. Came up with this. I so wish I had known this a long time ago. I could have saved me. Now it’s time for recovery. I am so glad to have found this site.

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  3. Nearly two years into our relationship – The day before my wedding – I asked my soon to be husband what he thought of my sisters now that he had met them in person.

    I will never forget his reply.

    He proceeded to tell me how he had noticed the similarities and he was trying not to let it affect his attraction to me. Somehow, after meeting my beautiful sisters he had found me less attractive.

    I remember feeling sick to my stomach after he spoke of the things he did not like in them and how it had changed his view of me. He ended with a statement wishing his memory of those things would fade and he would not think of them when he looked at me eventually.

    I married him the next day, not feeling quite as beautiful as I had the day before.

    The ways a narcissist wears and tears you down reaches to the deepest parts of you, while you willingly go along with the ride- like slow anesthesia they drip their numbing poison into you until you either die, or experience the fight of your life breaking free from the mental fog and drug they’ve been injecting into your heart, soul, and mind.

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  4. Wow, the one I knew also exhibits ALL traits from your check-list.
    Mine was even jealous of one of my soothing fantasies (where I imagined a nice person holding me whenever I felt lonely, sad and scared).
    He said that this was like being unfaithful (???).
    He also often accused me of doing things I never ever did.

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    • Jennifer Smith, True Love Scam Recovery

      None of that about “being unfaithful” is true feelings… it comes out of a sociopaths desire to keep us fooled so they can use us and never be held responsible – and out of their pretty inept skills at mimicking normal people. All sociopaths are identical. Every prey or target doesn’t see or have to experience all of the range of limited and specific traits and tactics of a sociopath – but never the less – they are there. — If we don’t have to see it all we’re very fortunate! Everything they say is “not truth” and not what we think it is. – They have abnormal brains so they are unable biologically to have any positive emotional bond or care or concern or love for nay living being. – They cannot change – and wouldn’t if they could. They love being what they are – this is one of their unwavering traits.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. As someone who just ended a 25+ year relationship with a narc, let me just say you describe narcissism itself better than most therapists could. In fact, over the years I went to many therapists trying to figure out what was “wrong”. It wasn’t until I started googling his actual behaviors and kept having page after page on narcissism pop up that I discovered what was “wrong”. That is how I figured out what he was. Then we went for our 3rd round of marriage counseling and the counselor told me that he was a narc, and also co-dependent (which is possible and even sadder than just being a narc because they waffle back and forth between self-absorption and clinginess/neediness). She referred me to a therapist with expertise in narc-abuse, and between those 2 great ladies I was finally able to realize that nothing in hell would ever change Mr Man. Anyway at least I am free now but sadly after the split it became even more obvious that he had no identity/sense of self. I am still shocked when I think about my life with him, how awful it was. Now that he is gone, the crazy is gone with him. They should teach about personality disorders in high school so that we can recognize these people and run before they manage to partially or completely destroy us.

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  6. I just don’t know how to get him out of MY house. Ugh.

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  7. Going through this is he hardest thing we’ll likely ever do in our lives. I was so fortunate that I automatically did some things and trained myself to think about what happened, little moments and conversations, scenarios – things that went on between the two of us in the relationship, in a way that caused me to see what really happened and separate the fake relationship idea from what I needed to recover from which was grief loss trauma shock – a crime. Because these aren’t relationships, I wasn’t recovering from a lost or broken down relationship, I had to recover from a crime and at the same time be able to understand what had happened instead of the relationship that, all of us think we’re getting into and that were in. I had to see what really did happen. And I was able to do that. That heals us. Being able to see what really happened is key to recovery. While we’re with the sociopath in our daily life, everything that we think is happening and is going on between the two of us relationship wise, life wise, is absolutely not what is happening. There’s a whole parallel universe going on that is the real-deal – because of the sociopath. They have one brain we have another brain – it’s two realities colliding. We don’t know that’s happening, the sociopath does. This is normal for them. lying is their normal. Trusting, believing, being loyal, building relationships, striving to make things work, that’s our normal. And there’s nothing wrong with our normal, there is nothing wrong with us. We don’t need to change a thing. There’s nothing we could have done or should have done differently. What we do in the aftermath matters a lot.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I left my wife after 25 years. One year on I’m still in bits. I ran my own business ..it’s now falling apart. I can’t concentrate. My self esteem is in the toilet. She managed to get me out of the family home. (which i recently built and paid for with my inheritance) She stole over 50000 from our joint account and hid it well. Worst of all..she has turned our two young children against me..says they don’t want to see me. Has blackened my name in our small town…I’m a drinker, I have abandoned the children, etc..lots of other lies. For years she used to disappear off to see her boyfriend, subconsciously I knew ..but I couldn’t face her down. I lived like a scared rabbit. I’m broken… sites like yours help me. But I still blame myself. Mostly because I can’t see my children… I lost everything. I still say to myself ..if only I had done this or done that..it would be ok. But reading about narcissism it seems likely once she got new boyfriend I was history. The past 5 years were just tactical …abusing me so I would ask for separation…I never knew there were human beings as evil and cold. Why do I regret leaving even now.
    was it all a fraud ? I am broken but I will fix.
    ..

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  9. I would like to know what is being done to lock up these vampires? It is not enough to “get out” and “move on”. I do not want my future X to do this to another person!

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  10. I have joined a Narcissist support group on Facebook and I am glad to have found this one also.

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  11. I was in a narcisstic abuse my whole life… I fell in love with him when we were children, and I admired him for over 20 years. He was my first kiss and sexual relationship, but always keeping me at distance, forbiding me to tell anyone about our affair. My whole life he kept telling me I am worthless, ugly and stupid, just to Tell me the next Moment that I am his One and only, that I am so Important to him etc.
    When I broke up our sexual relationship he was suddenly all Sweet and caring.
    After I found my now boyfriend – the best man I could ever imagine – he told me that he wanted to be in a relationship with me. Now, All thought I Never want another man than my current boyfriend, it is hard to let Go the past and sometimes in weak Moments I feel like a shadow is overwhelming me. I feel like I am not worth to be with my boyfriend, like I Will Never be a good Woman to him and that One day I might have to Return to the Monster I Spend so many years of my Young life with.
    I just wish I could forget the past, let Go off all the regrets and all the what-ifs, the good and Bad memories. I just want to be happy with my boyfriend, the man I truly want to Spend my life with!

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    • Nadine Lockhart

      Oh, boy, would the Narcissist love to know he’s still in your head and therefore, poisoning what you have now. Let it go, the good and the bad memories of him. The good was false and the bad was aimed at your destruction; otherwise, even the bad had nothing to do with you in particular, only you as victim in general . You could have been anyone that fit his profile for a victim.
      If you feel you don’t deserve the new man it is because of the negative programing all those years BUT it has no truth.
      I hope the new person is not a Narcissist as they don’t show all their cards in the beginning and we tend to repeat our poor selection patternns.

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  12. Would love to talk to you more about your blog. Thank you for posting all this.

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  13. I was thinking I am looking back on my marriage and i think I am wrong about my husband what I love him what should I do I want him home for his birthday party is tomorrow. Im so lost without him

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    • Oh my gosh, I totally understand what you’re saying, I really get how you’re feeling. But please don’t do it I hope you didn’t do it I know this date has passed where in February now. Everything about these relationships is a scam, it’s fake, sociopath don’t love anyone. It’s so confusing because we think it was a relationship. Actually there’s like two worlds going on at the same time our normal loving, relationship building, loyal take on everything trying to make everything good. And then there’s the sociopaths life going on at the same time which is all fake. They don’t love us they don’t love anyone, they use and destroy other people and that’s all there is. So this is the hardest thing you’ll ever do in your life but you can do it find a way to see these two realities I did instinctively and trained myself content to continue looking at it that way and then recovered well from what was real the financial damage, loss of something I thought was going to be my future for sure, I had grief shock had to go to quarts police all kinds of big messes, but it was not a relationship, it’s not relationships that we are getting over. And going back to them…? The damage will be exponentially worse to the point of our total destraction if they have their way.

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  14. From my heart….THANK YOU !

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  15. its 9:16 and I found your blog site and this is how I feel completely why does he not love me like i love him its me i feel like im going crazy i got to the point of putting a post on my page i feel like im having a break down he keeps me isolated my only outlet is my dreamcatcher cause for cancer and my facebook page and some close family n friends but i feel like im loosing them all because they dont believe me anymore im not lying he portrays that im the one at fault for all of it im hurting so bad i left and cameback and no one believes me he tells others different things than does the opposite when hes home with me im tired hurt and emotionally drained from all of this help me please someone 😢😢😰

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    • It’s not you. And you’re not alone. Sociopath do not love anyone all of the bad is the real with a sociopath. They have a different brand than we do. Really. Biologically, scientifically I refer to them almost as a different species. They absolutely have a different brain then other normal loving people. Their reality is lying stealing, and ruining. I live off of normal people. Were fuzzy soft loving mammals, and they are snakes lizards the reptiles they would eat their young they eat anyone and everyone in their path and yet ironically at the same time everyone in their path, everyone in their life is how they survive, literally: financially how to get food, have a place to stay. Everything about their life is fake, it’s a house of cards. – you’re not crazy. How you feel right now it’s completely normal under the circumstances. Everyone of us that has been in snared by a sociopath has felt this way. There’s nothing wrong with you. Our safety is in getter my away from the monster – and not confronting him not telling them we’re breaking up. That seems very strange I know it’s hard for us to just walk away but it is what we have to do for her safety: find someway to get them to go or we leave without telling them. And then we all go “no contact” – it means we block them on social media we block them in our phones we block them in Facebook (not “unfriending” that doesn’t protect us) we use the block function in all our devices and apps and on social media there’s always a way to block someone with in Facebook or Pinterest or Twitter or whatever it is and that’s what we have to do change our door locks keep them away from us until they stop trying to come back. And we can never respond to their appeals because it’s all fake it’s a trap. You can break free there’s nothing wrong with you nothing at all you’re perfect.

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  16. I can’t thank you enough for your blog. After 22 years with the narc; two children, and a move to a new country for his work (which he lured us to with promises of a new start). He ditched us and now is on a terror tirade toward me. Keeping my home stable and drama free and love is my goal for me and my kids. He seems to have ditched the kids too…which is a source of pain for me to watch him play them too. He has taken so much of my life. You finally describe the horror and I thank you. God bless you.

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    • Oh my gosh, when I escaped the sociopath who had hijacked me I did it by getting him to leave I discovered many things he had done that were absolutely horrific. And one of those things was one of the other women he was involved with and actually lived with for four years in another country with their children and she was waiting for him to send for her and the children to come and live in the city he was in with me and married to me. She knew nothing about me I knew nothing about her and there were many other women and many other children as it turned out that she and I both have discovered she and I have become great friends and we blew up his world. Sociopaths do abandon their children, they don’t want their children at all – they don’t love their children, they don’t love anyone and for some reason they love to leave children scattered all over the globe. The best thing you could do is never respond to him again block him in every way in your phone from your emails never respond. My friend in the other country who has his children made the mistake of sending back emails that he would send to her accusing her of being friends with me and that I’m evil and that’s why he doesn’t take care of their children which of course is a lie. He would never take care of the children anyway he’s never seen them since they were six months old and now they are five and six years old. But at this moment – because she answered his email saying, “all I want is peace” and things like that – it wouldn’t have mattered what she said in the emails it’s the fact that she stayed connected to him staying in contact ruins us because it leaves the door open for them. – He is now taking her to court to try to get the children of course he won’t there’s many reasons he won’t but nevertheless he’s never given up trying to harass her. This is possible only because she did not block him. Best way to go as always to block them from our lives forever. – Sending all good things your way.

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  17. The healing process can be so slow. It’s been ten years since our divorce, four years since he died and STILL he lives on in my head and dreams. He was my life; married 25 years and although life is better the man I believed in (not the one who really existed) remains the love of my life. Our children now have children, and I still delude myself thinking he would’ve changed. In my head I know better but my heart still wants to hold on.

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  18. I am trying to figure out if my soon to be ex husband is a narcissist. He never put me down like I see in these other stories. He was pretty good to me, always asking me how my day was when I got home from work. He was affectionate, giving me kisses and hugs. We were together for 6 years (married for 2). He did leave me for a few months after we had been together for 2 and a half years.The reason he left me this time was because I had noticed a change in his behavior so I checked the phone records and found out he was having very long phone conversations with someone else. My first marriage ended in my ex cheating on me so I was devastated when I saw this. It only lasted a week before I confronted him. He completely dismissed what I was accusing him of and turned on me saying that I was controlling him and treating him like he was a child! I couldn’t even bring up the fact that he was having an emotional affair with someone else! He left me and said it was over. He has told me and my daughter that he will sign the house (that we just purchased a few months ago) over to me and he won’t try to take any money from me (he’s on Social Security and I have a full time job) as long as I am nice about the whole situation. In some ways I feel that he is a narcissist but we had a good relationship prior to this. Very confused.

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  19. Thanks for this. Like you Ana my partner of 37 years is a classic narcissist. He is also an alcoholic. He has not been physically abusive for a year and a half but continues to rage at me. I can’t seem to leave. I too have the classic symptoms of shame, withdrawal, shaking, fear. I have no one to talk to. I’m reading lots, trying to heal, trying to do good things for me.

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  20. Well, here I am. The classic victim of a narc. Only it took me 40 years of marriage to figure out that I was NOT to blame. After I found that his web porn had graduated to transgender porn, I was destroyed. I was so angry I would have killed him ,but the wasn’t worth going to jail for. I have been in therapy for the last 5 years. That is where I discovered what I was really dealing with. Now, I have grown children and grandchildren who think he is just fine because they know nothing of who he really is. I can’t bring myself to tell them because I can’t devastate them like he has devastated me. So I am stuck here just trying to get to the end of my life with some self respect. I have turned to God for love and companionship. I try to be decent to my spouse, but also try to not spend much time with him. I volunteer to help others through my church, which allows me to be away from him and receive the kindness of those who love me for who I am. If only I had seen him for who he is before I married him. It is so depressing to think that my whole live has been wasted on a person who can’t even see me as a good and worthy human being.

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  21. Thank you so much, it’s been so hard dealing with this great pain! As a man having been a victim in a nine year relationship with a narcissistic woman who I swore was the love of my life destroyed my life. No one believes the horrific things she’s done, the numerous cheating, the comparisons, the putdowns! Why has this happened to me! You can imagine how many examples of men that have had there whole lives changed by a narc woman that don’t exhist…. thinking that something must be wron with me has been the only thing that makes any sense now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jennifer Smith, True Love Scam Recovery

      There is nothing wrong with you. There is everything wrong with narcissists or more accurately narcissistic sociopaths. They truly – biologically – have a different brain than normal healthy people that leaves them very limited in hoe they view the world, themselves and hoe they think and without a conscience. The only things they care about are getting what they want, taking from others and not getting caught – they do love to destroy — destruction varies, but is always fallout and damage for any person entangled, ensnared by a sociopath – this is who they are. There is nothing else.

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  22. I am freshly getting out of this and i’m not coping well. We have a daughter together and still have to get a divorce. What do I do? I’m hurting and most do not understand.

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  23. I think our greatest gift is being able to help others avoid the pain we have gone through with narcissists. There is something noble and wonderful about helping others avoid the pain we went through in those types of situations.

    Liked by 1 person

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