Narcissists are Character Assassins

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1. NARCISSISTS ARE OUT OF TOUCH WITH WHAT PEOPLE WITH CHARACTER, FEEL LIKE

Narcissists don’t have a real, true and fixed identity. What’s fixed about their personality is that it is DISORDERED. Who they ARE is a classification in a mental health diagnostic manual. With this wonderful factoid under our belt we can begin to explore why the presence of someone WITH character becomes such an envied, enemied, devalued and discarded being.

A parallel example.

Is anyone here a “horse person”? Or a “motorcycle lover”? For anyone who’s ever been part of a passionate hobby that you identify closely with, there are certain INS AND OUTS to even the label “horse person” that you begin to envision what that label means when hearing it: someone who rides every weekend, probably owns a couple of horses, takes care of them, shows them, brushes them out, you can smell the hay, imagine the time involved, feel the wind on the back of your neck as your horse progresses to a full gallop. YOU RELATE; DEEPLY. With sights, sounds, colors and INTENSE FEELING.

When you haven’t ever really been a part of that “horse group”…you don’t have those memories or tangible feelings to relate to.

THIS IS WHAT A NARCISSIST FEELS IN RELATION TO THOSE HAVING GOOD CHARACTER; they JUST DONT UNDERSTAND US. They can’t RELATE to how they go about being a person of good character, but they envy that we have it and they don’t. They see the social / emotional benefits we reap and know that if they had what we had, they’d probably feel better; they covet our good qualities and will eventually take them from us while ignoring or destroying the rest.

2. THEY ENVY THE CHARACTER THEY KNOW THEY CAN NEVER HAVE 

THIS ENVY, ON STEROIDS is what a narcissist “feels” when presented with targets who have an identity of being kind, gentle and loving people; “GOOD PEOPLE”. They seek us out because of the kindness of our souls, our gentle and loving demeanor, our willingness to please them and put them before ourselves. They exploit this goodness however, use it, rob us of it and leave nothing but destruction and demeaning put downs in its place, along with real life destruction for all involved; kids included.

You know how this story goes. Their envy turns into seething anger. They begin belittling the target’s goodness – pointing out all the reasons that they wouldn’t want to have that anyway….They’re devaluing it, to reduce it’s importance to them, so that they can extinguish the discomfort of their envy and their almost realization that they possess no true Character or Identity. (Denial)

3. DEVALUING WHAT THEY ENVY 

The more they belittle what they envy, the more their devaluation becomes apparent in their actions toward us. They’re more verbally degrading than ever before. They’re snide. They relish more in our defeats when they used to celebrate our successes. Suddenly, you realize that instead of being able to live life and be peaceful, you’ve got a constant problem on your hands. All you know is whatever it is, somehow you caused it and you’ll be emotionally and physically punished and required to fix it before the “relationship” can begin sailing again.

Because narcissists don’t communicate in terms of a “behavior” they’d like to see you adjust, they drag your character into it. Every statement feels like the bottom falling out. It’s not that you were late in traffic, it’s that you are an inconsiderate, floozy who HAD TO HAVE BEEN OUT WHORING AROUND while the narcissist was waiting on you like a perfect gentleman.

How dare you make THEM wait?!! You’re such a bad person. Their thinking goes like this:, “You know, Im going to abandon you now and it’s YOUR FAULT because you just couldn’t make me happy. ”  When continually barraged with these over the top character assassinations, it’s an every day occurrence that you spend your time DEFENDING YOUR RIGHT TO HAVE AN IDENTITY FREE FROM ABUSE.

If you think targets over exaggerate the Mind F*ck of this situation, just ask another target. And another. You will get the same over the top answers one after another – because these are the facts we deal with. If you’ve never lived through a vietnam relationship like the narcissistic one, then lets choose to just not speak on a topic of which you won’t allow yourself to be informed. If you’d like to be informed, then please read on.

4. DISCARDING WHAT THEY DEVALUE

If you’ve ever seen the study where a rat was given inconsistent reinforcement for their “treat worthy” behaviors, then you’ve seen a target at this point in the narcissistic relationship. All we want, is to AVOID THE PAIN OF THE CHARACTER ASSASSINATION.  Day in and day out, we hear that we ARE who we know we AREN’T; however after years of having our boundaries trampled, we’re not so sure anymore. They seem so energized and convinced by the “Identity defining”.

They speak with such certainty about the lies they’re saying about you; with your energy  so depleted, you’re just willing to cop to it as long as they just SHUT UP.

Many times, I’d just GO ALONG with whatever he was accusing me of. “Ok ok. Yes. I was ___________. Inconsiderate, Im sorry. Yes, I was flirting ( I wasn’t). I didn’t realize that hurt you so bad, and Im sorry. Ill never do it again. Whatever would get the emotional abuse, cold  shoulder, anger and non-stop questioning to stop.

I’d often think, when we were talking on the phone, while he was inquisitioning me, “My gosh, we could be spending this time, FLIRTING, Loving, talking, being kind really experiencing the joy of being in love.”

All the while I was over in our relationship “bubble” fixing whatever was so wrong with me that would cause him to constantly berate me and be dissatisfied with me, so we could “be in love again”, the narcissist was out courting NEW SUPPLY. New drugs  of choice (people)  to make the narcissist feel valued again, because “little old me” (yesterday’s news) was no longer doing the job. Somehow, they set us up to take on that guilt and shame as well. Blamed for being cheated on. Responsible for the new supply and the narcissist having an emotional and/or physical affair.

They’ve prepared the way for no longer needing you for what you offer, because frankly when they see us at that point, they see GARBAGE to be put on the curb. They swiftly set us aside and swing the door closed, while they and the new supply walk off into an amazingly romantic (albeit FAKE) sunset.

5. FINAL STAGE OF CHARACTER ASSASSINATION IS THE SMEAR CAMPAIGN

The relationship and it’s entanglement with character assassination has run it’s full course. What started out as a relationship between a good person with character and a bad person with a character DISORDER, has now been twisted around.

It’s like being in a dream and not being able to run or scream. You know those dreams? Where it feels like your legs weigh 500 lbs and you can’t run? That’s what it feels like trying to explain that crazy mess to outsiders.

You’re now hearing things about yourself that you KNOW aren’t true, and not only are they not true, they are things the NARCISSIST DID! You know that you just sound like one of those kids defending themselves saying, “No, Im not! They are!!!” And the narcissist knows this too!!! That’s why they PRE-EMPT you. They run to others before you even know they’re discarding you. You think you’re still in the relationship, while the narcissist is out making you out to be bat shit crazy -but telling you how much they love you. That way, when you finally work up the nerve to tell others, you’re met with DEAFENING silence. They’re saying “Uh huh. Sure they do. MMm hhh.”  Because the narcissist has already told them  that’s what YOU are doing.

It’s a SHOCK to learn you’ve been lied about, played, used and all the other emotions, all at the same time you’re trying to decide what to do about this full on smear campaign / slander / defamation the narcissist is waging a war with, in order to discredit you so that by the time you get back to your full senses, you are so far buried in slander, defending yourself is POINTLESS.

Posted on November 18, 2013, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 33 Comments.

  1. Wow you just described my marriage of 20 years and the last 2 ( going on 3) years of my never ending divorce.

  2. F-n H-l yea. You nailed it bade. 6th months ago I was a puddle of goo, but now I am beginning to get myself back. I have always taught my kids a person of character does the right thing when no one is looking. Not so with the Ns. They will lie, cheat and steal to get there way. Not so with a man/woman of character.

  3. I’m not sure whether my ex-boyfriend had Narcissistic Personality Disorder but after doing a little research, there seemed to be similarities in the behavioural traits and how he acted towards me.

    I was in an intimate relationship with him and when he did things like, answering for me when I was asked about something or tried to buy himself into my family, other people were very worried for my safety.

    It wasn’t until he dumped me in the middle of a holiday in Yorkshire and manipulated me to stay until the end of the holiday that I suspected he wasn’t as good a person as I thought he was. During the holiday, my purse was stolen and lots of people have told me that he was the one who did it just so he had control over me. It used to scare me to think that the relationship could have been taken to another level where it would have been harder to escape.

    Had it not been for my family’s constant support and being able to see through his lies and actions then I probably would have been broken to the point of disrepair. I’m happy that he’s no longer in my life and I’m achieving things that are beyond my expectations.

  4. Thanks a perfect description but I do wish it was written in a more neutral none male female way.. It seems that very many of these articles BLAME THE MALE and having suffered exactly all of the above it makes it difficult to beleave AS A MALE that I AM NOT THE NUT!
    X

    • Dan,

      You’re right you’re NOT the nut and this is NOT gender specific. Because the main writer of the blog is female, the articles tend to reflect that vernacular but don’t think for a moment that this means males are not abused by female narcissists – they ARE.

      If you don’t mind, when you read the posts, just switch it to the male version and It still applies.

      Please know, we have plenty of males in the group who’ve suffered as you have; you are NOT alone.
      <3

    • My ‘best’ friend for over 20 years is like this. I recently decided it was in my best interest to not have any contact with HER anymore.
      Her ex boyfriend could have written this post so it’s not gender specific. This happens to be the author’s point of view I believe.

    • Dan go to Shrink4Men and it will be geared more towards men dealing with narcissistic/borderline personality disordered women

  5. I agree with everything you have said, but now feel even worse. “My” narcissist is a so-called leader and President of his Association in Keystone Colorado. He has said everything and anything to keep my mouth shut of his illegal takings. He emotionally and physically abused me for years. Mind games I can’t come close to knowing or understanding. I found letters from other women he had hurt. He became furious. The only common factor I know I can possibly get him on his that a previous employer at Mountain Comfort Furnishings was aware that he had beaten a previous girl who had worked at the same store I worked in while dating him a few years later. (HE IS THIS ARROGANT) I now understand he hates women so much he was basically saying not only to me, but my employer and the women who worked there, “See I got away with it again”. I am trying to find the courage to speak with his employer, I know she would not stand for this, but you are right, I know he has already laid out a picture to her as well as previous friends I thought I had. He has completely ruined my life. He will continue to Rape and Beat women. He knows exactly what he is doing. He knows who to chose and use those weaknesses and what they thought were their strengths against them. Anyway..I want to see a sight that helps you ! They say move on, well that is what they count on don’t they?? And then they continue hurting others.

  6. Oh my word khall this has an all to familiar ring to it in terms of position and power and what PAN’S GET AWAY WITH. I’ve fallen back again as the depression, lack of desire to get up and tackle anything is back with a vengeance. As I had stated last week, now my cousin is going through it, in shock and dealing with an ill child- I can’t turn her away, but it brings it all back, the sobbing, throwing up and wanting to just sleep for awhile hoping when I wake the horrific memories will have disappeared. My heart feels your pain deeply and if I were near I would hold you tight and tell you to hang on… there has to be sunnier days ahead. It’s a slow agonizing process, torture. Healing seems unattainable.

  7. I am living with an extremely classic narcissistic daughter who is almost 18. It has been hell for years as she has bullied her sister terribly who is only 17 months younger. She has emasculated my husband, who will not speak up for himself and they all look to me to fix it. I am exhausted from the intense parenting that happens and emotionally what it does to see one person whom I love hurt those whom I also love so much, as well as me. We all cave in to her, just to enjoy peace, and she
    knows it. Any input on how to handle it?

  8. You nailed two of my horse clients totally. They caused so much harm to me that I am still recovering. Character assassination is an understatement. Not sure how one recovers from it.

  9. Wow!!!!!##I truly feel sane in so many ways. I have.just discovered this has been my life for all 55 years. i have siblings that are spewing such horrible names, and accusations. What its it they say majority rules. This is the worse part of it all all. Now they are threatening restraining orders, elder abuse charges. Omg i have given.up two years too get my mother under medical care. I begged then too help, now that she its on medicine for dementia they are slinging crap at me. I am not feeling confidant cuz in the past they always won, maybe if i can get a win under my belt i will feel better. It is so exhausting emotionally too be stuck with this insanity. They crazy

  10. The crazy isn’t me. On one hand i want too shout it to the world, i told you i was right, on ths other i just want to be left alone. Thank you thank you for sharing and educating which in turn saves us

  11. That jerk was a man who had no idea what he had! I’ve been with my husband almost 20 yrs and he proves himself everyday. True live DOES exist. Keep your heart open.

  12. I’ve been struggling with getting a narcissist out of my life for a while now. Never ever really heard the term before. I just met a fun exciting lonely wealthy guy who wanted me around all the time. Until he got what he wanted, and then they neglect you and treat you like your least important thing around, even the dogs were more cared for. Well, after lots of failed attempts to break the ties, I have made great progress. Blocking the phone number works wonders ;)
    I miss what I thought was a potentially great life but have to remind myself that it’s just lies. I’m sure I don’t even know half of the lies. I almost wasted my last years of maybe having kids on him, being 40, but not giving up hope. Hey u never know but what’s meant to be will be. Here’s hoping for the struggle to get easier and for happiness with a new guy to be right around the corner. Thanks for sharing all ur stories and inspiring me to tell my very very brief one too. ;)

  13. Well this all sounds far too biased and personal to take seriously. I hold several of the signs of true a narcissist with a side dish of solipsism, and I wholeheartedly disagree with these weak accusations of envy, devaluation and slander. I see no possible reason to envy those who could not possibly fathom my level of existence. If anything I look at these “good qualities” and wonder how such weakness was developed. Not quite sure why I’m taking the time to even inform you of the opposite perspective to a very one sided little article, but perhaps it will prevent such future rants from being so carelessly poured into public view.

  14. My son is a narcissist, whom is 31 yrs. old. He has caused nothing but heartache in our family and continues to degrade me. He has been in & out of prison, on drugs, domestic abuse & the list goes on. We have went above and beyond to help him with his life. I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t! There is no winning here. He blames his childhood which is ridiculous. I ave 4 other boys/men and they are decent human beings. He has a 2 yr. old little boy in the mix whom the mom takes care of. I am always trying to figure him out but it will drive you crazy. I decided to withdraw from the relationship because of the toxicity it was causing on my health:(. I can love him from a distance.

    • Ooh. This post from this mother really hit a nerve. I’m thinking this 31 yr. Old was probably her scapegoat. If he says it was from childhood. .why would he lie. The really bothersome part if the post for me is the comment about having 4 other sons who are decent human beings. I spotted gas lighting instantly. I hope he stays away from this toxic mess. Am I the only one who got hit between the eyes with this all to familiar tactic?

  15. Heh… struck a nerve with Freedom…

  16. Wow…spot on. And yes, apparently #5, I was the cheater, I am the liar and the crazy one. Yup and to reel in OW/New supply she was told I had cheated on him, he was the betrayed one. Looked me right in the eye after he’d been sleeping with her and said “I haven’t slept with anyone else, have you?” Floored me, crumbled to the ground, this was about 4 months before full discovery and while on a family vacation. Well, Karma will take care of that one…you can’t live in lies forever and as I told him for 10 years…the truth always shines through. You don’t need to lie when you have the truth on your side. Now I’m fighting the smear campaign being waged against me to my own child…he’s trying to convince her that I am the liar. The OW I don’t care about, my daughter – that is a battle that has awoken the warrior in me.

    • I went thru the same with my Ex…He used to tell me that it’s only cheating if you get caught. I thought the drama would stop when things were final…but apparently now. He and his psycho girlfriend watch everything I do….it’s like they are obsessed with me.
      You’re not alone in dealing with this…There are many of these types out there!!

  17. A friend shared this article with me which has totally enlightened me. I lived with this behavior for 20 years and he made me feel like I was going crazy. We have been divorced for a year and a half and now he and his psycho girlfriend watch everything I do. I have blocked 6 different Facebook accounts of hers but she still finds a way to stalk. It’s becoming more then Cyber stalking….it’s an obsession and I don’t know what to do about it….

  18. My sister shared this article with me and as I was reading it I sat there, stunned. This is exactly what my marriage was like – thankfully I’m out of it now and moving forward. Thanks to God there IS a life; a much better one, after living with this kind of abuse.

  19. Please read my blog regarding this exact situation I’m going through right now :(

    http://thedayileft30.blogspot.ca/

  20. This is very informative… I am very new here and have, over the last couple of years, become more aware of what I was dealing with mentally most of my life. I was raised by a narcissistic mom who knew no better-

  21. I went out with a narcissist for a few months, and thought it was
    heaven on earth for the first weeks. Such an attentive, affectionate,
    “kind (not)” person , who said “I love you” every day and seemed like
    he really meant it. He manipulated me from the beginning, and a few
    friends saw through his facade, but I was still hopeful that deep down
    there s something real in him. He even prayed with me and came to
    church with me ! Actually the idea was to take me away from my church
    friends and have me to himself, so he could have all the control.
    He was jealous of every man that I talked to , even of the priest !
    These people are really in need of serious help, and that s the last
    time I try to “save” one of these broken souls. In the end, I don t even
    know if I should pity them, or hope they break their legs.
    They re free to do as they wish, and if they wish to destroy others,
    I m sure it will come right back at them :) doubled, because everyone
    is accountable for their actions.
    I also met a girl who was narcissistic, and they are sooo jealous, they
    pretend to be your friend, they get all the information they can out of you
    then go around and talk behind your back, calling you names on top of it!
    Beware of people that are too nice! I ‘ve been really hurt and dissapointed
    by these people, but they got their pay :)

  22. After not speaking or seeing my sister for 6 years, due to her addictions, and she was not taking care of her 2 daughters. My 1 niece followed her mother’s addictive ways, so I removed them from my life, so I could take care of my family. I took in my younger niece, so she could have a productive, full life without dealing with her mother’s and sister’s addictions. This past year my sister apologized to me for all the horrible things she said and done. She also thanked me for raising her daughter and taking care of her in such a nurturing home. She claimed she went to a rehab and was clean. She asked for my forgiveness and asked to be a family again.
    I invited her to my home to meet for the 1st time in 6 years it was awesome. We caught up with photos over tea and it felt like we were sisters again.
    Thanksgiving came and I invited my sister and my pregnant niece (her oldest daughter) to stay for a couple of days spending the holiday together seemed like a wonderful idea. My sister seemed very intense and nervous and a little angry, I just kept telling her it’s o.k. Relax have a cup of tea. Don’t worry. Let’s just have fun. Thanksgiving went well could have went to hell, she made us all read her life story which included blaming everything wrong in her life on everyone. She made her daughters read about her being raped by her father! I guess she wanted us to feel sorry for her, it did nothing but make her daughters cry. Please note, I missed seeing half of my family, they would not come because she was there. They were done with her a long time ago.
    It was day 3 and that’s when it all
    Went to hell. All of us were in the kitchen when she sneakily asked me to pour her a glass of wine, I was in shock and said no quietly so our children would not hear. So she angrily poured herself a glass and hid it. I was so upset and didn’t know what to do. I knew she wasn’t supposed to drink at all. She told me don’t worry I had a couple of beers at home, I told her I think she should leave in the morning. The next morning she was still there, she wasn’t going to leave until she made a scene and blame ME for everything. She told me to stop stomping around the kids are asking what is wrong. I thought by asking her to leave would keep peace and the children wouldn’t have to know. She was sending threatening texts to me in my own house. I finally had to tell her to leave. We wound up screaming she told me I was making a big deal and putting on a show! When I was trying to save her reputation with the kids. I was trying to protect her. So finally before she left and made her daughter tell me a secret. My poor niece had to tell me that my husband had given his phone number to an old girlfriend’s mother and told her to call him. So needless to say this has put strain on my marriage. When I think of my sisters actions and how unsettled she was at my house, I think this was her plan. She had information and waited for the moment to ruin my marriage. I told her how hurt I was and that I had faith in her she told me I need to fix the situation with her kids or it will all comeback to ruin my life. I think this was her plan before she even came to my house. I since have blocked her number due to all the brutally cruel things she was sending in text messages. I do love my husband, and we will have to go to counseling for this, which is a whole other issue.

  23. When paying attention I believe you will notice a common language misuse in a Narcissistic person. A deliberate attempt to stonewall mutuality.

    If you ask “Why would you do blank, that is inconsiderate, mean, backstabbing or clearly not recriprocial you will hear, “I do not need your permission”.

    If you would say, “How could you bury our father, and tell no one where?’ They will say, “Did you want to dig the hole”.

    If you say “I am concerned about our daughter and how she is acting out, or not at all approriate for her age” They will say, “Clearly you hate and resent YOUR daughter”.

    If you say, “I feel you are taking too much of the maritial recreational time for yourself alone, I might also “deserve” to have time alone or with friends”. “they will say, “who is stopping you?” Knowing you have been given “support” with taking responsibilities, or or doing your part so THEY can get what you also want. They have NO obligation to look at anything as mutually satisfying. Nor do the even care to “see” how you have supported their selfish and await them supporting “your” right to some freedoms too.

    If you say, I went to a lot of time and trouble to give you a (gift, some slack, support) and not only did you fail to acknowledge that, or even say thanks, when my “turn” came I got nothing, they will say “Then take it back”, or “do you want it back?”

    In short, they never acknowledge their callousness to others, or the “caring” you are giving, but hide their awful with trying to make you look awful for even expecting the most basic of manners and fair play or recriprocical treatment of you.

  24. Wow. This describes the last several years of my life, divorcing a NPD. I’m in a full-on smear campaign right now. I never thought he was capable of this. Thank you for this post.

  25. I’ve read so much on narcissism and been through so much of it first hand at the hands of my recent ex-husband. I have to say… This NAILED it! Wow! Well articulated! It’s wonderful to see someone who can describe this horrible experience so well because oftentimes, the “victim” is so confused and hurt, they are unable to step back and see the forest for the trees! Thank you!

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