What you are trying the hardest to HIDE is exactly what you broadcast about yourself the most.
Posted on November 10, 2013, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.
Thank you for your kind words. I’ve had a couple of days with my head filled with the same questions – why would he do something like that? Why not jut break up with me? Why keep me around for his family dinners etc? I read something – it might have been on here – that we tend to feel like we trying to peel away the skin of an onion, trying to find the gem inside. However, there IS NO gem inside! There is no empathy there. I’m interested in why he can’t just say “I didn’t put as much into this as I could have and I’m sorry, but it hasn’t worked.” I feel so much that I am being punished for being the one to shut the relationship down – and then complain about what I’ve done afterwards – there is no reason/logic behind my thoughts! I also feel quite angry and aggressive – as well as like throwing up. AS they say – curiosity killed the cat: My further snooping into his online dating reveals that he has been on an adult matchmaking (sex) site since 2010 – which was when I stopped looking at anything he was doing on line as he said he’d stopped. One thing that interests me is that is can compliment ppl he doesn’t know and in the whole time together (8) years he only complimented me twice – once at his sister’s wedding and once when I went to court with him to support him. I also found out that all the time I was looking after him when he had physical pain etc and I was running off to the chemist, he was relaying his sore tooth story to his female fans. One thing I found out about how he uses the dating site is that he writes about himself and uses the same pick up scenario with most people – he tests their intelligence by sending them a first email that is to do with a scientific topic he is interested in. if the woman answers in a way that shows she is familiar with what he’s talking about, he reels her in. He also refers to the rest of the populous on the site as idiots. Sometimes reading his posts sounds like he is drunk or high – it’s not likely he on drugs as is drug tested at work – but he seems very flighty and bipolar – the mania side comes through. It saddens me and angers me but maybe I need to cut this cancer out of my life – remove email and phone numbers and websites and see if I can have a normal life. I don’t expect it to involve a man as I just feel ugly and empty, plus, as this is an anonymous site, I can confide that in the first six months of meeting him he gave me 2 STDs – luckily not HIV. I didn’t insist on protection as he wasn’t keen and begged me to try some things I wasn’t keen on – and like a fool I was so lonely I just let him use me until I had to put my foot down 😦
I maintained no contact with my (perhaps) NPD BF for 6 months after an 8 year on and off relationship. No kids, no home shared, just BF and GF. During that time he worked away due to the nature of his job and had another woman and her two children living in his home on and off. I kept wondering why I had to re-adjust my seat in his car! Eventually she phoned me and asked who I was. She left him, I stayed. After time apart, he came back to me telling me that I was his choice – I had “won.” Suspicious as ever I checked phone texts in the middle of the night and looked at sites he was visiting – yes, I found what I was hoping NOT to find – visits to high class prostitutes and hooking up with women for sex on dating sites. I let him know I knew and was basically told I was invading his privacy – which of course I was! We struggled on – he was unable to communicate any feelings unless absolutely blind drunk, and then I felt fearful of him. I was introduced to his family from early on and they liked me, I loved them – it seemed that we were a good match IF ONLY he would be “in love” like a “normal” person. The sex, which was always lacking in intimacy, stopped. So did the kissing. The hand holding, which was always for a few seconds only, stopped too. Hugs – 1 sec at most. Looking back – this had pretty much been since day one. Financially he would support me when I was going through tough times e.g. major dental bill. But I noticed ( I know this sounds ungrateful) that he was happy to throw money at something rather than talk or give me any emotional contact. The drinking got worse and when he drank, he wouldn’t come home – the next day he had lost his wallet and his phone. He is an intelligent man, probably a tad high functioning autistic – and definitely unable to stop at one drink – or would be sober for 3 months and then drunk as a skunk for the next 3. He rarely invited me to meet his friends – and I also didn’t tend to invite him to meet mine as I was scared of him behaving badly when we were out. He loved to shock people with bad language or racist comments or whatever would get a reaction. I believed that under it all there was a good heart and my love would conquer all – dumb I know! We would go through patterns of me breaking it off with him, him ringing me and making up, and me going back. Finally, after weeks of him not talking to me much and watching TV and playing video games every weekend while I sat and waited for him talk, I removed my stuff from his house. I gave back the keys and kept away unless he contacted me. This time, things changed. We had a few lunches out and I was invited to his birthday party with his family where I heard him tell his sister we weren’t really seeing each other any more. Could have told me too! After talking to my therapist about closure I rang him the other night and said I was upset about how we had parted – with no goodbye or thanks for being there when I was hospitalised or in court due to bad behaviour. He said I was phoning him and basically had nothing to say about any of it. A friend told me the ex has just put up a profile on a date site seeking a soul mate – and wants a woman who won’t settle for less. Obviously I settled for less and I got what I put up with. I feel really devastated than 8 years counted for nothing – underneath I think I still really want to hear that he is ready to make a real go of it. So it’s turning out that I am now crazier than he is! I’ve always felt that I had less to offer him as is attractive and I’m quite plain though educated (not that that makes a difference in common sense!). Also, I have been treated for depression, so felt low self esteem – maybe he should be with a smart beautiful lawyer and not a burnt out ex school teacher? Please, can someone tell me to STOP with all of this – that it’s nonsense? If I know that tho, why can’t I just let go? Am I as bad as him? Maybe I have a NPD too? My head is just so busy with thoughts of “if only he …” – and I even contemplated going around to his place – which started to scare me because now we’re into the realm of stalking! Please advise – and don’t be kind! Sorry for the rant – if no one reads it, at least I have put it on paper 🙂
I cannot help but reply to you. You have written my story almost verbatim. I have been dating AND living with a man I knew for a year before he asked to move in with me because his roommate and himself were not getting along. Like an idiot, though my gut told me not to, I had him move in under the promise that he’d pay 1/2 the rent and no other bills. I was ignorant to what I should have agreed to, and now three years later, and only 6 months of 1/2 the rent, and thousands of dollars supporting him, I left MY apartment where he is living and I’m back home. It’s wrong, I know, but the arguments and fights are not worth it. My parents generosity is so appreciated as I’m not alone, and can try and recuperate some of the debt that I’ve incurred while with him.
The fights were endless. We had a cycle of every three weeks we’d be yelling and fighting and saying it’s the end, but it never was. He has his secrets, and tells me he doesn’t hide anything from me. He says he broke up with me, which is not accurate, but does not matter, because I was attending al-anon meetings. I tried to explain that our relationship was over for WAY more than a meeting, to which he now agrees. So, here I am contemplating (well, not anymore) about being with him, and he’s moved his clothes out, but not a lot of his stuff that he doesn’t really use. Won’t say where the clothes went, just that he needs to be ready for when the opportunity to move in with someone arises, he needs to be ready. The only reason he’s thought about leaving the apartment (lease is up in a couple of months) is because I said I would not pay for all of the bills if I’m not there. Yes, I paid 1/2 the rent for this month. But next month if he’s there, it’s all on him. I am co-dependent. Always have been, and am working on changing me to be independent of anyone. The very nature of being a teacher (which I am) puts us in a position to becoming co-dependent very easily. I highly suggest that you read the book Co-dependent No More. I’m an older woman who’s scared that this might have been my last relationship. I kick myself almost everyday about why did I spend so much fn money on that asshole! And even after that I say “but we have such a good time together” even though our relationship was crap, our friendship kept me there. So while he wouldn’t say where he’s going or doing, we had fun when we were together, until I brought up anything non-friendship related. Through al-anon I’m learning not to say too much to engage his behavior. And yes, there is still a part of me that wants to be with him. Love him, make sure that he’s going to be ok, all the whilst I know he’s not all there for me. I feel used, feel like the relationship has been a scam, that I wasted this time on a guy who wasn’t deserving of my love (and what a love I gave him!) These mixed emotions of love and hate churns my insides up and only someone who has walked this road can begin to understand why someone so loving as myself wants to be with someone who can be so cold and toxic.
I too am a clinically depressed person. I thought he was showing me a freedom to life I’d never experienced, but the truth of the matter he was sucking me dry. The anxiety that I felt almost every day I was with him is gone now that I’m not there, but the longing to spend time with him doesn’t seem to go away, no matter how awful he’s been to me. I get the push and pull that you’re feeling. You are not alone. One step at a time, one moment at a time, one day at a time. Eventually I’m sure I’ll make a full recovery from the distruction that he’s left for me, and I pray that I meet a man who can be a true partner in life.
I hope some words that have been shed here help. And like you said, at least I got that off my chest. Now to just deal with the pain and hurt and loss.
Yes I read some of the blogs that is exactly right. And I am exactly well have lost all interest in things, can’t get excited about anything, difficult to get motivated. Love to sleep alot – not like me – I figured I have been healing but I’m not working, so not like me before well it was a looong story. It’s been over a year now but hes always tried to get me back – so insane – so toxic and I just couldn’t loosen his grip. So it has been a few months since I have seen him he always wants to talk I said no. That was a step forward. The most toxic relationship why then do I still feel love when I hate him and his behaviour was off the charts – tick every abuse box.
I work on my self esteem I got a coach but I have been lethargic about life, my mind says yes, yes and then I go limp. Whats wrong with me? You said it so trying to get back to myself. Thats what I tell people. Confusing and I blame myself ofcourse! I was a very very and am capable inspired person still am but …….
Hugging ANA for her empathy, compassion and loving efforts. You are doing a good thing here. God bless you!
Can someone speak or elaborate on the topic of gas-lighting? Kinda goes with my description of a Narcos torture tactics. The slow burn. Use to call my ex towards the end when I became more bold, a human pyro. He’d set fires, put em out then do it all over again. All the while during the moment you are ready to scream between the sobs, he stands there with this evil grin enjoying your pain and suffering. Likened to a drug addict getting his jollies/fix. He even graduated to cackling. It’s so sick and evil. I actually took a pic of the snake in his typical posture… oh if I had only grown some balls and possessed an inkling of violence, I would have given his a new home and parked em in his nostrils. Forgive my crudeness at this juncture. Part of healing is also being able to recap some moments in this 36 year torture chamber and have a good laugh. My youngest caught on and would mimic his conduct and then bust out laughing. I suspect this is why she bore the same mistreatment as I. She has grown into a remarkable woman. The stories I hear every so often how the Narc is fairing now… my heart does not bleed as those who set out to hurt another deserve what ever Kharm- ha ha ha visits em. And he is now being tormented by a female likeness of self only she is brutally CRAZY hear-tell in every sense of the word and I suspect from the reports of which I do not solicit btw, that the evils she has perpetrated have planted securely and deeply in her psyche likened to irreversible brain rot. What goes around, eventually comes around. Saddest of all that any of us are put in a position to remember, recall, relive and spend the rest of what is left of our lives picking up the pieces. Ecclesiastes tells us, that there is a purpose for everything under heaven… the purpose remains elusive only know that bad things happen to good souls while good things happen to those who have no soul. This life is fleeting compared to eternity and there is a place for those void of a soul…hell.
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