Narcissistic Abuse – Why Does It Take So Long to Heal?

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Psychological trauma is the damage to the psyche that occurs as a result of a severely distressing event like emotional and psychological abuse.

One of the debilitating aspects of this abuse that is so damaging to targets/victims is the trauma or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from being in this relationship! DEFINITION: Trauma means “injured” AND the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds a person’s ability to cope or integrate the emotions involved with that experience. A traumatic event involves one experience, or repeating events with the sense of being overwhelmed that can be delayed by weeks, years, or even decades as the person struggles to cope with the immediate circumstances. Eventually this can lead to serious, long-term negative consequences that can even be overlooked by mental health professionals especially if psychological abuse is at the root of problem but not actualized as trauma inducing.

This is very important for targets/victims of this abuse because if the clinician fails to look through a trauma diagnosis to isolate the problems as they relate to current or past trauma, they may fail to see that trauma victims, young and old, organize much of their lives around repetitive patterns of reliving and warding off traumatic memories, reminders, and affects. This is very true for many targets/victims that have not addressed the trauma correctly and the negative messages and associated trauma becomes imprinted on their minds for many years. The trauma will trigger memories of the abuse and pull the target/victim right back into the debilitating feelings associated with the abuse. This may not always be on a conscious level but in the sub-conscious where it is always available unless we disable it and enable our old and real belief systems that life is good.

Normal bonding is a biological and emotional process that makes people more important to each other over time. Unlike love, trust, or attraction, bonding is not something that can just be lost or abruptly stopped at will. It is cumulative and only grows and increases but rarely decreases. Bonding naturally grows with spending time together, living together, eating together, being physical, having children together, and even during stress or difficulty. Bad times bond people just as strongly as good times, and sometimes more so.

Bonding is in part why it is harder to leave an abusive relationship the longer it continues. The bonding makes it hard to enforce normal and even healthy boundaries, because it is much harder to stay away from people we have strongly bonded with. An important point to understand is that when leaving a long relationship, it is not always useful to base your decision to leave by how hard it is to break this bond, because it will always be hard. This is especially true in an abusive relationship. Secondly with an abusive relationship only YOUR bond was/is real and based solely on the growth through YOUR love for this person. There was no love reciprocated with a Narcissist just a need to use you as supply or objectify you to meet his/her needs. Leaving or moving on for a Narcissist is a simple act once they have found new or better supply!

Moreover, experiencing extreme situations and extreme feelings such as abuse tends to bond people in a different way. ‘Trauma bonding’ is a term that defines this bond when a person has experienced abuse in a seemingly loving relationship like one with a Malignant Narcissist because of the continual shifting to blaming and the devaluation involve. The ‘love bombing’ in reality is ‘love bonding’ that creates the connection to the Narcissist even though it wasn’t real. So unfortunately the target/victim plugs all of their normal AND learned life experiences into this love – TRUST being right on top of the list. With the devaluation, the distorted and negative aspects of this love also bond and this changes the reality to accepting the good, the bad and the ugly or basically submitting to the abuse because of the extreme manipulation and control methods of the Narcissist

A good example of this distorted love is if a child grows up in an unsafe/abusive home. It makes unsafe situations in the future have more holding power and almost acceptable because it is what they know and have accepted as their normal. This example has a basis beyond any cognitive learning and it is neither rational nor irrational. If targets/victims can come to see that part of the attraction or falling in love included this dysfunctional or irrational bonding, while very unwanted and horrendous, it became a natural process or basically surviving because of this distorted love/abuse. Then maybe they will be able to understand the reality of the dysfunction and manage the situation more intentionally with understanding the reality of the situation or the ‘trauma bonding.’ We have to dig down very deeply to break this negative attachment and the distorted messages.

Intense relationships where distorted love is involved tend to hijack all of the target/victims relating capacity and rationale. It is like a continual state of being so worn out, managed down and burnt out AND always feeling a need or in the position to fix the wrongs to make it right again by accepting the blame ALWAYS! You forget what is really right as it concerns you because you are always having to explain, react, and keep a peace to keep your sanity. Becoming attached or falling in love with a very chaotic and inconsistent person makes it simply impossible to form a consistent reality based connection that goes beyond the feelings of fear, loss, the worthlessness that was imposed on you, feelings of blame and shame, or even normal and good memories beyond the trauma that comes with devaluation. When separated from the abusive partner, the urge to make contact is usually intense because it is the chaotic connection that is alive and makes the connection with them (as horrendous as it is) tolerable in any circumstance. In simpler words your normal reality has been manipulated and managed down to accept a role where you operate within the dysfunction because it has desensitized your rationale.

This is the bond with them and in reality it has always been this way with the Narcissist. Love connected you to this first and that love was manipulated in a manner to manage you down and control you completely. This is hideous dehumanization and such an intense betrayal to a normal human being that if not corrected it can diminish and disable the target/victims perspective of the world, people, and love through their entire life. True recovery requires such a deep desire to dig down deep inside and dispel EVERYTHING that this Narcissist has damaged. It is just not falling out of this distorted love.

Some of the signs and symptoms of being stuck with this trauma. The target/victim and survivor can come to find that it is almost impossible to relate to anyone, even family or friends, except superficially. This trauma creates a feeling of being totally alone, and totally empty, and very damaged. Then is seems that going back to the primary abuser will help you overcome it or fixing this to make everything right again AND release from the pain associated with being separated from them. It SEEMS normal in this state of trauma to believe that even though something is so horribly wrong that leaving isn’t an option even though it is real and there is something horribly wrong with staying. Most of the relationship was a huge manipulation that managed you down to accept a submissive role, feel shame, etc., and then processing all of this along with that blame AND real love you believed in. You didn’t outwardly accept this distorted love, you were TRICKED/CONNED into it or psychologically abused. The Narcissist said to you in the beginning “I love you,” he/she didn’t say “I love you and I am going to ABUSE you,” but that was their agenda.

To go a bit further complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a common problem for survivors of abusive relationships. The symptoms which are many include a feeling of emotional numbness or feeling like one of the walking dead. You feel like you are completely engulfed and surrounded with this self-protection like the aftermath of a destructive tornado that completely destroyed your entire house. In reality it is despair. You lose faith, hope, joy as well as the love you THOUGHT was real. This was all real to you, the memories, the time together, the emotions and everything else that you were conned into believing. It is a hideous abuse because you gave love, you believed in love, you believed in them, you gave yourself completely to this love because this is what we grew up believing was normal and then this Narcissist destroyed this image of real love and damaged this belief so completely that you are trying to heal from this.

That complete distorted thought process has to be removed from your psyche to rebuild your belief system. It is a matter of realizing now that there are two types of love, ‘real’ and ‘abusive.’ It is compartmentalizing and understanding that real love can and does exist as well as predators and distorted love. It is putting your trust back into yourself so that your new lessons will keep you safe from one of these monsters should you encounter one again. It is also you putting your trust back into yourself so that you can establish a real life that includes REAL love. It is you believing more in yourself than allowing this abuse to define you forever.

Now a little further! There are many obstacles and many distorted messages or the feeling of being in shock. Unfortunately this is a normal part of the process that is directly related to the abuse that requires some time, education, and deep soul searching to correct. Why are we in shock when we had a real sense of this? Well we didn’t want to believe that we were basically with a destructive monster and we were only justifying, apologizing, fixing, and living in the shadow of fear and control. Who wants to believe that the love they invested in is such a total sham or abuse? Who even knows how to believe in a manner that precludes all reality and a belief system we all grew up with that allows people to love normally. It sounds like brain-washing and basically it was. It is necessary to correct this trauma to destroy the negative messages and purge the blame from this Narcissist out of our heads – and it is of vital importance to do this in the beginning or whatever stage you are at now! Unfortunately this doesn’t always happen and many stay locked up in this trauma their entire lives.

If I could give an example of a devastating shooting at a school where lives are lost. What is the first thing that is done after the event? The school provides the surviving students with trauma counselors so that the trauma doesn’t manifest itself in the survivor’s lives forever. Overcoming this hopelessness from the trauma doesn’t happen overnight, it takes intervention, hard work and awareness or defining it for what it is – TRAUMA. No one ever imagines they will be witness to a terrible shooting, nor do we believe we will be in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship with a Narcissist, but both are real and both yield trauma. We are aware that these situations can happen, but we don’t have the tools right there with us to recover if we experience such a traumatic event. It also takes a willingness to try, fail and still persisting to get through this. Most importantly, it takes a strong will to have self-compassion to fix yourself to move forward. Another important aspect is realizing that the abusive Narcissist is not part of this equation. They were/are the attacker in this situation that acts out to harm good and unsuspecting people. As personal as this situation was, as well as how this love felt familiar and real, you are still dealing with a highly disordered creature and a predator. This is self-help not yourself and the Narcissist’s help. They will only bring more trauma into your life and pull you back into the abuse.

You CAN be in control of this situation! BUT you will slow your progress to a screeching halt if you go to the trouble of fulfilling the no contact rule and then obsess about making contact. It totally defeats the purpose of no contact if you keep an ongoing dialogue and connection. As they say you can’t see the forest for the trees!

Think about the reason why you may obsess about these monsters and make contact. It is because we want them to validate all of that emotional expenditure that we provided through loving them and NOW the pain and having to grieve the abuse and some sort of closure! It won’t happen because this Narcissist would have NEVER put you in this position in the first place if he/she REALLY knew love or better yet REALLY loved you. REMEMBER they are ABUSERS and they aren’t going to turn around and fix this or you because their agenda was to control, disable and harm you. If you think they are going to suddenly realize your worth, when no other human being in this world has any worth to them beyond an object to use, then you need to do a reality check until you get to the point that you understand that they are destructive and dangerous to you and your life.

Seriously ask yourself if you could imagine your Narcissist saying: “I’ve been emotionally unavailable, I’ve had NUMEROUS affairs, I intentionally manipulated you, gas-lighted you, tried to drive you to the point of insanity, ignored and silenced you, blamed you for everything, projected darkness onto and into you, constantly ignored your needs, used you, extorted and stole from you, and made your life a living hell AND I WAS ABUSIVE. Then imagine them saying that they suddenly realize your worth and how valuable you are to them and they want to be together with you to fix ALL OF THIS. First why would you want a person that has taken you down so far to ever be any part of your life and secondly they are NOT emotionally available for you or anyone and they are off and abusing their next target/victim! They are like criminals living out a life of crime. Don’t forget how they smeared you, your name and then tried to destroy your integrity to avoid exposure and the truth of what they are. How could you forget ANY of this in a manner to accept them back into your life – and then how many times have you accepted them back into your life to end up abused over and over again. You must move TOTALLY on and away from them being anything in your life. Forget them completely so you can start recovering because it is integral in surviving this abuse AND moving forward.

To truly move forward to recovery you can’t make your abuser (the Narcissist) the focal point of your life AND your recovery. They are what they are and you have had personal experience which more than enough defines their character and agenda! You have to make YOU the focal point of YOUR life. This time of grieving, healing, and regrouping with you is an opportunity to get real about the relationship that has just ended and you have to look at you and your relationship with open eyes and the reality that it was abuse. So many times, I have heard targets, victims, and survivors say that they want to be able to get past it all, to move on, and they want it all to just be over with so they can live again. The wanting is only part of the battle, a very important part, but the rest of it takes longer and demands introspection, education, support and the need to accept that this Narcissist was AND always is a potential danger if you let them be any part of your thoughts OR life. There is no magical kiss from the prince/princess Narcissist that will awaken you from this this doom, because they are the one that gave you the apple that poisoned you in the first place! Your own care, love, and self-compassion will awaken you and return you back to a fulfilling and real life!

Now some clinical information about the Common Features of PTSD from emotional/psychological abuse. These are consistent symptoms that identify the abuse as a psychiatric injury and different from a mental illness. That is an important differentiation to make so that you don’t internalize a message that says you cannot overcome the effects of the trauma and live with it as YOU being the sick one. The Narcissist is definitely the dysfunctional person in this equation that disabled you!

• An overwhelming desire for acknowledgement, understanding, recognition and validation of their experience.
• Fatigue with symptoms similar to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
• Extreme anger from feeling the injustice and almost seeming ‘manic’ instead of motivated for recovery purposes, “obsessive” instead of focused, and “angry” instead of passionate to fix yourself and regain order and reality in life.
• A desire for revenge.
• A tendency to cycle between reconciliation/forgiveness and anger/revenge where objectivity and reality become a causality.
• Feeling extremely fragile, where formerly the person was of a strong, stable character.
• Numbness, both physical and emotional (inability to feel love and joy.)
• Clumsiness.
• Forgetfulness.
• Hyperawareness and an acute sense of time passing them by.
• An enhanced and hypersensitive awareness.
• A constant feeling that you have to justify everything you say and do.
• A constant need to prove yourself, even when surrounded by good, positive people.
• An unusually strong sense of vulnerability, victimization or a feeling of persecution!
• Occasional intrusive visualizations connected to an extreme anger.
• Feelings of worthlessness, rejection, a sense of being unwanted, unlikeable and unlovable.
• A feeling of being small, insignificant, and invisible.
• An overwhelming sense of betrayal, and a consequent inability and unwillingness to trust anyone, even those closest to you.
• Depression with occasional sudden bursts of energy accompanied by a feeling of “I’m better!”, only to be followed by a full resurgence of the symptoms a day or two later.
• Excessive guilt about your situation and why you can’t overcome this.

A couple other facts about trauma: Intellectually, you lose from 50 to 90 percent of brain capacity, which is why you should never make a decision and why you feel so lost and empty when you are “in the trauma zone.” Emotionally you don’t feel anything and your spirit is disconnected. Physically all your systems shut down and you run on basics. When your system starts to recover and you can handle a bit more stimulation and energy, THEN real thoughts emerge that will guide you back to reality and help you process the information and start on your road to recovery!

Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events, but there are common denominators. There is frequently a violation of the person’s familiar ideas (belief system) about the real world and of their human rights, putting the person in a state of extreme confusion and insecurity. Recovering from a traumatic experience requires that the painful emotions be thoroughly processed. Trauma feelings cannot be repressed or forgotten and should be treated immediately or as soon as there is a realization that you are caught up in the trauma. If they are not dealt with either directly or at any other point in your recovery, the distressing feelings and troubling events replay over and over again in the course of a lifetime, creating this condition known as post-traumatic stress disorder.

Every bad moment in your life will connect you with those negative messages that the Narcissist manipulated you into believing and you will feel those old feelings of worthlessness. You will always feel like you are not good enough. Events do not always define you especially negative ones, but sometimes we define ourselves through these events especially after this type of traumatizing abuse. The Narcissist taught us to blame ourselves and if that message is still cycling in our heads from this abuse we will let it define us forever. Whatever inner resources people need to mobilize to achieve recovery, they still should not try to accomplish this task alone. Depression and trauma are ‘disconnective disorders’ and they do not improve in isolation. To fix them you have to be connected to others and accept that there is goodness and real love out there.

Today I can clearly see that early intervention is so vital. Trauma is real and debilitating in situations like this abuse that is born from a hideous betrayal of a person’s spirit and belief system. It can shut you down completely and keep you locked up in isolation because your replaced belief system from the abuse doesn’t trust that there is goodness in life. Sometimes we don’t see this until many years after the fact. This is not recovery, this is living in fear because of a traumatic event and this is what this abuse does and what the Narcissist wants. A Narcissist cannot live or survive on their own, they need us (people) to feel alive and be alive, but they are predator that feed off of people. We don’t need people to survive, we want to enjoy people, like them, and even love them. There should be a sign around a Narcissist’s neck that says ‘danger, do not feed this animal because they will completely devour you!’ The Narcissist has stolen enough from you, so don’t allow them to take anything else from you, especially other people and love. What this Narcissist forced into your head can be desensitized and you CAN recover completely. It all starts with you and a journey away from what they are and what they have done. You deserve the love that you gave so freely and unconditionally. It is still there and with self-compassion you CAN and WILL give it back to yourself. No/minimal contact always!

Greg

Posted on April 14, 2015, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 56 Comments.

  1. Thankyou. Just for the validation of all this. Im still hurting severly 3yrs later n i was only married 18mnths. My god n no therapist even gets it. Gosh im sad. It hurts like hell. The pain is real. Excruciating n i cnt believe the after affects. Strong anyone who gets out. Crikies.
    Thanks greg.

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  2. This is one of the best things I have read about this topic! Thank you so so much for writing this honestly! God bless you!

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  3. Fantastic read .. so helpful and so reassuring to know that I was not insane but driven to insanity which nearly cost me my life .. the pain is caused no one understands unless they have experienced it and you do feel very alone and it’s hard to express this to people without feeling foolish .. But I refuse to let it destroy my life or close my heart as that is my greatest strength I’ve come to learn .. I’m not a victim or a survivor.. I’m a warrior and warriors live on and become better people from this kind of horrific emotional abuse .. thankyou for your insight and words 😀

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  4. I got engaged to my narcissistic, he knew I was in a court case for a hip problem. Three years later, I lost it as the other side wanted me to go to the high court, I couldn’t afford it, He changed he started blaming me for everything and I took it all on . I was so emotionally upset, and in pain with a bad back L4-5 fused, screws and plates in my neck, but still I looked after him so well like a king he remarked about my cooking, no steak, so I brought steak he then told me not to buy it as it was to expensive. He used to say he would be with me for ever, he would be my carrier and look after me if I went into a wheelchair. Then it was I cannot look after you, what about if I’m sick, . I would put my arms around him and say what’s wrong, He would say you. We finished, he come back saying he was sorry, he changed cos he had an affair, I forgave, I went to his place few weeks later and made love, when I walked down the stairs he said duck offf just fuck off, I didn’t know what I did. I went to his place the next day crying why? He said he was so sorry that he should not have done that. Then he started to blame me about Xmas costing $400 each, he has 3 daughters his mum and dad and back then 1 granddaughter, I had mum dad and my son. . Then our friends which were good to us inviting us for dinners. He complained that much I said the $400 is in his letter box. Only mins later a woman calls me up and tells me to stop being in touch with him as she’s in a relationship with him. I text and text and called give me it back you used me. Cos it must have been bugging them he said I will give it back and he did. Once again it was over. About 1 year later he was at the pokies he came over to my car that just pulled in at the window he said he had just spent his whole Xmas pay I told him to see his girlfriend. He text he didn’t feel like living if he had s gun he would kill him self, again telling me it’s me that he still loves. In that year I cryed and cryed I couldn’t eat sleep. Didn’t want to even go out. I was a mess. Now he is telling he loves me hates living with her I will call her J . So he meet me got money to get him through, then the bull just kept on happening, and I fell for it over and over, in the end I wrote to. J telling her his using both of us her for money and to be looked after, and I become just a sexual object . I told her if it wasn’t with me he would go with someone else. They went to the police, He didn’t admit to meeting and telling me he wanted to leave her , he convinced J that I was a striker and trouble maker. I got a worning, He not only told my friends a lie that I have a restraining order on me but he made him self the victim, I tried telling the police but they believed them. I had enough. I still have bursts of tears I cannot have any relationship I cannot let a man touch me or hold or kiss me I push them away. Just this year 1 half years later. J said she was sorry, he has done it to her now, They live in the same apartments so close together, he has been having an affair for the last seven months, I believe longer as when he was with me he made excuses to leave early, I felt he was having me on , living with J and seeing another, 3 going all at once. I have this year 2 messages one was his no to see me. No his answer was Ha I didn’t think so. Then He N I believe brought a cheap SIM card to ask me to meet him with a different no. What I don’t like is that he can call me or text me , I went to the police to prove everything they just said stay away, But it’s him that will not leave me alone, trying to get over him is so painful. He used to be everything a woman wanted in a man and I fell deep. Not only get over I’m no good for anyone with my body disabilities, but only good enough for sex. He still gets in touch but I cannot prove it, and when I could he didn’t get a warning from the police. So he has control still on me, and the new lady T well she was sitting in his lounge room when making one of those messages, I know this because J told me she has to drive past there place to leave the units she sees there cars she’s moved in with him, so he moved on to another victim. I feel if we can prove that we have been emotionally abused, mentality abused we should be able to get them pay with a prison sentence, I know this is the worse abuse I’ve ever had and I haven’t said everything I will be writing for a week. Any how I take one day at a time, when it’s him I don’t do anything about it, but he makes everything come flooding back by the way my names L

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  5. Thank you for this insightful and clear article. Very helpful. It a long journey to recovery but it is worth it! One step at a time!

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  6. Thank you.

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  7. Wow I am on a journey to heal and this article is exactly what I’ve been enduring I had to change my number this month I will not go into 2017 and continue this pain. I will fight through this and heal.Thank you!

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  8. Thank you

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  9. Greg I want to thank you for your incredibly comprehensive summary of the narcissist abuser.
    I was slowly starting to feel better after leaving my narc ex, but with new stress amd instability I couldn’t figure out why I was relapsing, albeit into very different symptoms that went beyond a depression. I feel like my person/soul was almost destroyed by this experience and couldn’t quite understand why.
    Reading your analysis has perfectly encapsulated how it feels and why.
    Thankyou for giving me further hope that one day my self worth and confidence will be as strong as it was before the narcissist.

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  10. We often read about the devastating effects of what people go through but rarely read about the healing process. I also believe that one of the first steps toward healing is the ability to forgive yourself (and not the abuser). Realizing that we behaved these ways because we believed it was right. Now we must forgive ourselves which provides inner strength as well as more reasons to change – and change how we think about ourselves

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  11. What is the best thing I can do for someone I love,going through this nightmare?We are separated by the Atlantic Ocean,and correspond via Twitter

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  12. I follow Greg’s posts’ religiously on facebook. I am only a few months out of my narcissistic relationship and they have helped me so so much more than I can say. Reading this has helped, again. I just realized that I have almost every symptom of PTSD that was listed. They say knowledge is power and by this new awareness, Greg have given me even more power to continue on the right path to healing. Thank you!

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  13. This has really given some clarity into why my life has been so difficult. Thankfully, I’m walking on my road to recovery. Meditation, Mantras with Positive affirmations AND the love & belief from others that knew you before the trauma. Their ability to still see The True You.
    This is all very importantly, part of the process of my healing in finding my true self on a long, difficult & sometimes still lonely & overwhelming journey. But mostly finding my ability to be able to open the curtains and look out of the glass window and being able to see the sun shinning again.
    👏👏👏👏👏👏

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  14. Thank you for such a passionate and descriptive article about how a true Narcissist operates. I would love to hear your insights and tips on surviving parenting with a Narcissist Ex. I totally understand the no/minimal contact rule and wish I could abide, but with 2 kids to parent together I find myself having to continually put myself back in harms way. I’ve begun limiting all communication to written only, as at least then I can determine the tone in which I read things, but it is still a struggle to stay positive in his negativity (which is projected as My anger, unreasonableness and negativity). Again thank you for such a great resource article.

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  15. Greg
    Your article is so amazing. I have been going through my situation for over 8 yrs. and have been working with one of this monster’s victim. This article will help her out so much. This is my story. I let John Wilson and his son Chez move in to my apartment around Feb. 2005. He never paid for anything. He told me he had just gotten custody of his son (8 yrs. old) . He didn’t want me to ask him about his mom because he said it would upset him but in actuality John Wilson had his son since he was 3 yrs. Old. I did everything for his son to try and take away his pain. I took him to summer camp everyday before I went to work and paid for the tuition.  Around June  15th 2005 he asked me to marry him and a week later he asked to borrow $20,000.00 for his gym, Delco Brazillian Jui-Jitsu.  I asked him if he wanted to marry me because he wanted to borrow this money. He acted like I insulted him and said the gym is for both of us. The money was from the inheritance my dad had just left me (over $63,000.00) and I was going to put it back in the bank when John Wilson gave it back to me but he hasn’t repaid me yet even though down the police station he told them it was $10,000.00 and he didn’t remember whether he paid me back in cash or with a check. The police never made him verify this. He told his lawyer that it was a gift.  In March 2006  we got a house together and I paid for  $2,4555.00 upgrade, $10,000.00 down payment, $9,000.00 closing cost and every house payment (we both were going to pay and I didn’t know) came out of my bank account. John Wilson told me when he sold his house 3172 Bethel Rd. Feltonville, Pa. he would put it towards our house but I didn’t know the house was in him and his ex-wife’s name. I found out later that he wrote a check for their mortgage from my bank account and forged my name. He stole the mail and all my concentration was taking care of his son because I never had kids and loved them. He knew this. When we moved into the house about a week later this woman called (Heike Calhoun and her friend) and said they both were going out with John. He pulled the phone and said this woman was stalking him. This woman left a note on my doorstep the next day and it said how much she cared about him and he is on Match.com. (It was on my computer but I didn’t how to look up this info at the time. I found out later he was corresponding with a lot of woman and probably used my red Firebird I allowed him to use and thought it was for work but picking them up and going over Heike Calhoun’s house with his son) so I drove up to the gym with John Wilson’s son and gave him the letter and wanted to know what was going on and he said the same thing she is stalking him. When I left he called me and told me Heike was following me and his son acted like he was scared but in actuality I found out later he was going over her house with his dad. The next day I filled out a police report and told them Heike Calhoun was following me. So about a month later John Wilson came home and said why don’t you get a couple of credit cards just in case you need them. I didn’t understand why I got 2 credit cards because I already had about ten of them and (thank God John Wilson didn’t know this because I would have been in more debt than I am in now) never carried a balance on any of my cards. I found out later he fraudulently used over $18,000.00 worth of credit cards behind my back because he would steal the mail. This one day John  Wilson was supposedly going to work and Heike Calhoun was following him. His son got a bat and acted like he was scared of her. John Wilson told me to call the police. The cops called John Wilson up and told him to go to the courthouse and get a Order Of Protection. He acted like he was going to do this but in actuality he was going to Heike Calhoun’s instead of work. I was always living in fear that Heike Calhoun would hurt me. This one day I found this black book hidden under his clothes. I opened it and found a lot of names and found a star above my name. I was panicking and didn’t know what to do. I was confused and asked him about this and he said it was something he should have thrown away. I believe now this was all his victims in this book. In Sept. I came back from the shore confronting my girlfriend about everything that was going on and it seemed weird he wouldn’t bring his checks home. He said he kept them at the gym. She told me to check things out. I came home and told him I was going to Acme and I needed my keys for my Firebird because I was low on gas. I felt under the seat and there were rubbers and a lot of dirty magazines. I froze and didn’t look at all the paperwork he had in my car. It was my car and he must have had me so controlled. I have never been through anything like this before. I’m not a confrontational person but I asked him what is this for. He said I shouldn’t have let you take the car(even though it was mine) and said stay out of my shit and pushed me down. I was stunned, no one ever raised their voice at me and never ever put a hand on me before. I have never been so petrified in my life. I was on the phone with my niece and John Wilson came out and I saw his son’s face and I couldn’t call the cops because it looked like he had been through this before. After a week he came home and tried to explain it away. I was trying to figure things out but couldn’t imagine what danger I was in. I made stir fry that night and fed it to his son then went upstairs to eat with John Wilson and there was glass in my food. He said I probably broke the sauce jar but his son’s food didn’t have it in it. The next day John Wilson had big pieces of broken glass on the side of his plate. Somehow it just didn’t register in my brain what was going on. Later on I found beer bottles underneath the sink. A couple days after that I had a drink and when I got up in the morning everything was spinning and I felt really sick. John Wilson went to work. I had to crawl to the bathroom and I was so sick I called him home. I don’t know what he put in my system but I was still dizzy thereafter. I told the police later what happened but they wouldn’t let me document it because they said why didn’t I bring the glass right down. In my wildest dreams I could never imagine that someone could ever try to hurt me like this. On Nov. 9 2007  Heike Calhoun’s friend said she knows about me but I don’t know about her. I called Heike Calhoun and met her at John Wilson’s gym. When I pulled up Heike Calhoun and John Wilson were standing outside and all I said I was with you. I saw 3 cops outside and told them I just found out this man conned me out of money(not knowing at the time the extent of the devastation he put me through) I asked them to get my car keys from John Wilson for my Firebird. They went inside and when they came out the cops told me to stand there and be quiet while they held their hand in front of me and allowed him to take everything out of my car. I was stunned that this was my property  and after I had just told them about him conning me out of money. Heike Calhoun’s son who was 16yrs. old said that John Wilson needed a court order to do this. I found out later that the cops allowed John Wilson to steal my computer and I couldn’t do a thing about it even though I still have my receipt. The cops knew him because of him being a Jiu-Jitsu instructor. I talked to the police chief and the mayor and nothing has been done yet. I showed the police all the checks he forged even signing his own name, fraudulently using my credit cards and they had the reports down the police station that Heike Calhoun was supposedly stalking him but in this together. He even locked me out of my house and one neighbor that knew his son asked him were I was and his son said we had a fight and I moved out. Which was a complete lie. He told her Heike was moving in with her children. The woman that was stalking him and my name was on the mortgage and I paid for everything. They had to know they both were in this together. They had these police reports. Heike Calhoun’s mail went to my address. It was a house she was buying. I showed the cops this and they said it was none of my business. This woman that was supposedly stalking John and they could clearly see I was a crime victim by these 2 expert con artists. John Wilson only paid 2 house payments one bounced and when he locked me out of my house and scared me away he paid over $5,000.00 for a house payment. He finally left when I showed them my forged checks and credit card fraud but they only used the forged mortgage check and still I don’t understand why. He wouldn’t sign for me to sell the house because he didn’t care about his credit because it was already bad he just wanted to destroy my 800 credit. So for a year I called Indymac mortgage to try to get his name off the mortgage so I could either get someone in it to help me with it or sell it. It went into foreclosure and I didn’t know because he stole my mail He had taken all my money and left me in debt so I couldn’t get a lawyer but my sister knew this lawyer who gave me some free advice over the phone. He told me to go to court to force him to sign it . Of course he didn’t show up and the judge gave me the legal right to sign his name so I sold it for a short sale. I should have never lost my dream house. I went to court for the other legal issues of trying to get the money back that he conned out of me. Heike Calhoun and John Wilson had a lawyer and of course I had nothing so I had a court appointed attorney. John Wilson didn’t show up the first time and the judge didn’t penalize him he just made me come back another day.  My friends and I were stunned when the judge didn’t allow anyone to talk and dropped the charges saying this was a civil case. I found out the reason was John Wilson only used 4 checks that he said I made out to cash for a little over $1,000.00 and my devastation was well over, I would say at least $80,000.00 or more. The 4 checks he used that day took me over 5 ½ yrs but I matched them to his bank book receipts I have. They could clearly see it is his signature not mine. The assistant prosecutor Diana Reed Rolondo was helping in the beginning but she said she did all she could and couldn’t bring charges and when she sent me all the paperwork back I couldn’t believe that the police reports said I allowed him to use my checks and credit cards. I was so out of it at the time of all this devastation that I should have had someone go with me and read every one of those reports because they were lies. It’s funny though I told Dina Reed Rolondo that I never allowed him to do any of this. She told me to get on with my life but I didn’t have a life I lost my house, my car, my job because of being late taking his son to school, my 401k, all my inheritance my dad left me and he even destroyed my credit. It would have been easier for me if he put a bullet in my head.

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  16. The best article I have ever read on this topic. I sobbed the entire way through. I read it and identified with every word but still don’t know where to begin healing.

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  17. This article resonated with me deeply. I put a smile on my face and get on with life and I’m happy to go no contact after always getting hoovered up, but there is something dead inside me from being in love with a narcissist and truly believing some part of him loved me back. I’m going to counselling next week. Does anyone else feel this way? If anyone who is going through the same thing wants to talk my email is Siobhandavitt@gmail.com

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  18. i am grateful for you help im a catholic and believe in forgiveness but he just grabbbed me and started again now im worried for my children how do i help them

    Liked by 1 person

  19. This hit it right on the nail. I felt as if you were talking to me.
    No contact I can MOST definitely do but what happens when you have joint custody with a monster and have to have contact because of the children?

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Probably one of the best articles I’ve read on this topic. Thank you.

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  21. Is there a specific type of therapy the helps the most and the fastest?!?! I don’t care how intense it is.

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  22. Just like the article said, you have to find compassion for your self in order to start healing. Remind yourself that u are important to so many an valued. That you matter dispite ur other half. People see them for who they r they cant hide their horrible character. I have been with a narc.for 20 yrs. I said id stay till the kids get old enough to leave home. Now im dealing w the guilt of staying an what it did to my family as a whole. They too see their narc parent as such. So i dont have to try to hide it from them. My problem is i did not prepare myself for my own future to be able to support myself. I was to busy tryin to just get through my days. An now im paralized by the fear of doing just that. Im mentally ready to be without him but can not support myself. Which is also their sick twisted way to keep u dependent on them. Thank god i have loving supportive parents that will allow me to start over with them. Nothing like being 40yrs.old an thinking u have to move in w ur parents. All i can say is you want to feel better about urselves start telling urselves that u derseve better ur beautiful good an kind. That u r improtant to ur children an so many others. That ur other half is pathetic sad an disgusting human being that feeds off ur suffering like the devil. Build that protective shield around u so that when they want to tare u down recognise it an go to ur shield so they cant penetrate ur heart an mind anymore. It does help its been helping me for 10yrs.now.

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  23. My best friend is in a relationship like the one described. He is a man, and yes, men get abused too. I have done everything I can and support him. She hates me and prevents him from seeing or talking with me. He is such a great guy and does not deserve this.

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  24. Excellent article I am sharing this to my page @https://www.facebook.com/HopeInRecoveryThroughLoveLightLaughter

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  25. My husband left me so suddenly it conpletely blindsided me. We had a whirlwind of a relationship where he met me when he was already married with a baby. He chased me telling me how he was starved for love and that he never loved his wife. He was charming and he kept asking me to let him love me. I was so overwhelemed by his charm and passion and his contagious lust for life that i caved. He changed my way of dressing, constantly told me inwas a liar and that i would cheat on him because he wasnt good enough, made me boycott all my friebds and social gatherings to a point where I was terrified to speak to a guy because he would lose his shit and leave me. I had told him all my deepest secrets, my weaknesses and showed him parts of me I couldn’t imagine sharing with anyone. I believed it was forever and i fell hard.

    He kept breaking up with me and coming back saying he cant be without me. I was visibly starting to change. I lost crazy amount of weight, i spent my time alone and in tears because i was in love with someone who thought everything about me was bad and wrong. People at work and my friend thought i was on drugs because I shrank right before their eyes. He put an end to my job and told me he didnt want me to work. He eventually left his wife for me when i tried to break it off and we married.

    3 years i spent with this man doing what he wanted but nothing was ever enough. His ex wife went around badmouthing me to everyone who paid attention to her and he blamed me for that too. He called me names, abused me verbally and eventually physically on more than one occasion to a point that even makeup couldn’t cover the purple marks he left on my face and body. He abused my family and accused me of being a cold hearted unsupportive bitch, drained my bank account saying whats mine is his including my body, my thoughts and my love. That he should always come first despite me being 3rd or 4th on his list. When he lost his job he blamed me for it till i started working to bring home cash. Even then he constantly blamed me for cheating on him. I had to borrow large sums of money from my parents so i could support him. I was loyal and faithful to a point where my family thought i needed help because i found myself defending his abuse. But he always made up for it by being kind when he chose to be. One smile from him and i would forgive him for the sickest things he said to me. He made me hate myself in ways that still haunt me. I was never good enough. Physically or mentally. I was stupid and vain and any attempt to make friends was me finding ways to cheat on him apparently. I was confined in my apartment with him and he drank with his friends returning home late so drunk that it would scare me. I never knew what to expect. It was either him bringing up my past and accusing me to lying to him or him trying to make love.

    One night we went out for dinner and we were fine and had a good time. The next night he said he was leaving me because we are a bad match and he doesnt want to spend his life with someone out of politeness. I couldnt believe what i was hearing. I had done everything he asked me. I begged him to make me understand but what followed was nothing but verbal cruelty that still haunts me.

    Its been 6 months and im still trying to understand what happened. A friend told me to read up on narssissitic abuse. I couldnt believe it still. I lost my career, confidence, friends and joy for a man who never cared. He constantly blamed me. It was always my fault. No matter what the situation, it was always my fault and it didnt matter what i said, he always won. He just walked out. Just like that. And he is happy.

    The rage i go through is scaring me. Ive been out and about, ive got my work back, i excercise and i often see the one friend i have who helped me through it all. But my nights are haunted still. I constantly dream of him and the abuse he put me through. I still hate the way he treated me and i hate myself for not being able to stop it. Most of all i find myself disgusted with the fact that a part of me still misses him. He was the first man i let in mentally and physically and he tore me apart in ways that i cannot even begin to explain. Ive tried counseling and its helped. Things might never make sense and trying to understand it drives me crazy still. Maybe i will never understand how he functioned. Im trying to let it go but its not easy because he convinced me i was the narc instead. Im in the proccess of trying to forgive myself. Im still afraid of reaching for my dreams because of what happened but i keep taking one step at a time.

    What hurts me is that i was unable to hurt him the way he hurt me. I was weak. I cried for years with and without him. I wish he would suffer. But people like him never suffer. They just pack up and move on which is unfair.

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  26. I feel all these things. Where can I go for help

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Greg , how about 18yrs of marriage and he has custody of all but only 2 of 3 stay with him. I feel like it will never end. I don’t have the money n resources he has. Totally alienated from my girls and he does his other daughter the same way, she hasn’t seen her sisters since she came to live here. Only because I busted him out for abusing her adderall for 6 mos. he wouldn’t admit it n even went so low as blame me. I didn’t even know who her dr was untill I found out he’s been filling it n she didn’t know she was getting it. My littler ones have same meds n dfcs says their gona preserve the family. That don’t include me. Now he is going after me for child support that I was told would never have to b payed cause I never worked.
    Yup he found out my new husband will b I titled to taxes for oldest and he pressed charges on me.
    Now I go to court on Dec3rd to tell the judge I refuse to pay my abuser and I would like for this to be givin back to superior for modifications
    Idk how they got any numbers for me to go by for pay? I never worked.
    450+100 for rears
    I was working till he latched on
    He would of wound up getting 85 % of take home well
    I thought about it and decided with my husbands support and Liz that I no longer be a victim of HIM anymore. Liz even got a part time so Hubby don’t have to pay for all her stuff. She gets no help from dad.
    I need a lawyer most likely I’ll b in jail on the 3rd
    Then who will protect my Liz from him. Who will fight n bring awareness to my case and daily write emails to state reps n lawyers judges n even the mayor.
    So now how do I walk away n never look back when my girls are his new weapon and are being captive
    Please inbox me ASAP
    Terri
    Floyd Co Ga

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  28. i don’t really know what to say. i have tried for so long to fix it myself, and i always come back to the thought that i can’t be fixed. the only time i have ever felt real love was when it was completely platonic, and sometimes, i don’t even know if i can trust that. i grew up in a family of narcissists. for the longest time, i was convinced i was crazy, and in relationships, i was attracted to narcissistic men, and i allowed narcissistic people to attach themselves to me as friends. i’ve had to walk away from my life and start over a few times, and i’ve kept very few people from my old lives in contact. i’ve tried to get therapy, but haven’t been able to connect to the one therapist i was able to find/afford. now, i don’t try anymore. i don’t feel like i can connect to anyone at all, but the people who know me say that i am such a nice person to be around. i’m almost 50, i was too terrified to have kids in case i turned out to be like my family, i can’t really commit to anything – jobs, friendships, even the thought of buying a house or learning to drive feels like too much commitment. i have an arms-length relationship with my parents now, but i have not had any contact with my brother since 1996, and have told both of my parents i will cut off contact with them if they try to make me see him or be involved with him. i’m estranged from most of my extended family, because i have no idea how to interact with most of them beyond superficiality either. i can talk about the abuse, and have often, but only like it was some bizarre story. but i don’t know how to make it better. because i can’t really trust anyone. so how do i fix me?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello, I believe I can offer some advice. For some reason the healing process is not covered often. I wrote a book on how I worked through my healing process with a great therapist. It inspired me so much that I am now dedicating myself to help others. I’ll be happy to send you a pdf of my book.

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  29. Reblogged this on Diary of a Disenchanted Diva and commented:
    This. All of this! Coupled with post-EMCS sepsis and near death experience. Takes time to recover. I’m not all the way there yet, still in survival mode.

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  30. I realized I was in one of these lopsided relationships this year when we had another trauma happen. My daughter, his stepdaughter, was sexually assaulted. The man has been arrested but the emotional fallout is ongoing. I began having panic and anxiety attacks. My eyes were opened when one night he punched a hole in the wall while I was in the midst of an attack. Because I was “driving him crazy”. So he was basically telling me to keep my problems to myself, I couldn’t go to him, my spouse, for support during this most traumatic time in our lives.
    I am constantly blamed for everything – we would never fight if I wasn’t this or that. Etc. I feel lost and hopeless at this point, devoid of emotions. I’m the kind of person who tries to understand others, so I’ve tried to support him in his struggles, but I feel like I’m carrying the relationship at this point. And I can’t do it anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello Ellie, I recently read this article and hope things have changed for you. We rarely read about the healing process yet it is vital to our moving forward. I wrote a book about my own healing, guided by an incredible therapist. It has inspired me to dedicate my life to helping others heal in their own way. It might be hard to understand (and I’ll be glad to explain) but often the healing begins when we are able to forgive ourselves. We chose, however blindly it was, to get into this situation. As Greg explains, it is almost an extension of how we grew up. But you didn’t plan for this to happen but the situation makes it easy to blame yourself and feel complete shame. Forgive yourself, I’ll be happy to explain more and even send you a pdf of my book.

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  31. I’m doing ok right now. Started No Contact 2 months ago, off my own back. Did dump my Narc last year but went back to him to get closure. I was actually begging him to tell me what i’d done wrong because i needed to protect myself in any future relationships from feeling so bad…not realising i had trauma, and the trauma could happen months later and that he’d caused it. I’m so grateful i found your group on facebook, and so grateful for all the stuff you’ve posted because i understand so much more now. I’m finding it really easy to let go of someone who was never real.

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  32. Its 6 a.m.. I woke up to your insightful writings. I’m in tears or wiping them dry. All of what you say is so true. I read your words and there i am . it is my truth. Truth is all i have had that has kept me going in the midst of ba lifetime of lies. I am the product of a narcissistic sociopathic mother…. Father … Spouses etc. At 56 after the trauma of losing my 19 year old son to a car accident. I was left alone by all and told i should be over it. I am so broken and fighting to pick myself up. I am better as i had lost my voice and just let everyone spin me like a top.v why not i had suffered the worst pain any mother could. I was drowning and no one would throw me a rope. They all preferred me to throw them mine and i did.
    So your writing s are and have been what is guiding me back.
    At least i can cry today. My ex narc after luring me back emotionally is getting married in December.
    I just left a homeless shelter living in a clean and sober house fighting my way back.
    You know even the groups i attend co dependency and domestic violence will not get to the heart of recovery. Which is narcissistic abuse. This includes a ptsd group. Why because when i give them the info ib think they seeb themselves. What a pickle that is
    Anyway thank you for the life raft. God Bless you
    By the way…. I have worked my entire Life. I am intelligent… And look where this has taken me.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. I would absolutely go no contact if we didn’t share a credit card wit a 7k balance that will take two more years to pay off…and he promised, when we took it out, to make the payments. It’s was for his dental work, and his credit was bad. I was hesitant at the time and felt cornered into it. I left him and he was onto his now fiancée within days; he also has an ex wife and child support. Between that and a lavish showy wedding to pay for, guess where my financial obligation ranks? As he’s made the payments later and later, I’ve had to ask when they’re going to be made, which gives him all the control; I’m sure he relishes my fear that I’ll be left with this debt I can’t afford. His last email ended with him calling me a cheating whore; I’ve actually considered adding the 7k to my own individual debt despite the bankruptcy-level hit to my finances just to get him out of my life for good.

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  34. I finally found a way to cut off my narcissistic abuser. Like…today. A few hours ago.
    It was only three weeks ago that my best friend actually met him while I was visiting his home for the first time and if she hadn’t…I probably wouldn’t be here. I’d still be his puppet, thinking things were wrong with me, in an endless cycle of apologies and trying to make up for things I’d done wrong that I couldn’t figure out. He instantly hated her and it brought out a side of him he couldn’t hide. He became more and more distant, started closing himself of, and making me feel like I’d done something wrong. He called her stupid and invasive and a few other choice names, and made me feel horribly about my choice in friend. But…I love her and she’s a wonderful person who has been extremely generous and stuck up for me when I had no one, and I have no question that her presence in my life is a good one. He continued to beat me up emotionally about everything I did. He even found a way to make me leaving for 45 minutes to get groceries to surprise him with homemade cinnamon roll pancakes bad (“Where did you go? You were gone forever. How could you not tell me? What’s your agenda?”) Given that I’d driven 660 miles to his town, his suspicions were ridiculous. It was my first time there. I had to google the grocery store.
    All of the other visits had been at my house. Which was far away, and I would never have invited friends to take away from his time. I realize now he wouldn’t have let me. He’d been using me for three years and until this visit, I had no idea things weren’t right.
    The visit went downhill and never recovered. He made up a lie about getting called in to work and kicked me out to find somewhere to stay a night early. He didn’t think twice about it. I caught him in his lie, which made him even more angry. He blamed me, stated that he needed space to think about what I’d done to him, and how I’d made him feel. He then ended contact for three weeks. I sent pathetic letters apologizing, asking for forgiveness, wondering what I’d done to deserve three weeks of torture. My best friend and her husband kept saying that it was abusive behavior and that what he was making me do wasn’t OK, but I defended him. Until someone suggested I google narcissism. Over the past few weeks, I realized that’s exactly what this “relationship” was.
    Friday, I finally said that I was finished and I had to sever ties and stop waiting for him to come back. I finally got a response. The first in three weeks. He responded with how badly I hurt him, and how the whole visit went terribly wrong and he couldn’t wrap his head around it, commented again on my “crazy” friend, that I was the only person who made his head hurt, how sad and pained he was, that he couldn’t “do this” anymore. So instead of apologizing like I usually would, told him that I would stop hurting him and that I was obviously making him unhappy. I told him he should let go of what was hurting him, that he should stop re-reading my letters since they were causing him so much pain, burn them, and go out with his friends to talk about me and feel better. “Wow, harsh.” was his response. Then “I could never destroy anything from you, ever.” I still went ahead and unfriended him, changed all my passwords, cut him off from my netflix account (which he’d been using for free for a couple years because…I thought it was a kind thing to do), etc. He realized it and went off: “You are the most consistently inconsistent person I’ve ever met. You profess undying ability to be there and be a support and you start telling me off when I start to speak. I start to open up and you defriend me and tell me to burn things. Makes perfect sense, right? Delete me from everything I’m on. Facebook, netflix, my number. Whatever it is you need that’s the antitheses of anything you’ve ever said….feel free. Carte blanche, like always.” Thankfully, I’d spoken to a therapist and done my research and was prepared. My best friend is still here, making sure I hear what’s really there. I finally stood up for myself. I told him that I would not take his abuse any more, that blaming everything on me was not fair or warranted, and that if he chose to engage in constructive and assertive communication we could continue. But if not, I wasn’t interested nor would I shoulder any more blame. I told him I was concerned about him, and that the anger and lack of empathy or emotional intimacy was concerning, that three weeks of utter silence was not a normal way to punish someone you “love”, and that I worried if he didn’t seek help he would never be happy in the future. I told him I myself was getting help for faults I’ve noticed and need assistance with. I said I was telling him this out of love and that I would always be here if he wanted me to be, but not in the capacity of door mat any longer. I said the volcano of anger that he was holding in was clearly making him suffer and that if he seemed to be bordering on a serious issue. Then sent a link to a narcissist/silent treatment page.
    That did it. Thank God. I was hoping it would. I came back to a small hissy fit of messages: “Nope. Thanks. I think.” “I’m done. That diatribe sealed it.” “Best of luck?” “Thanks, for nothing.” I expected it. I was waiting for him to reject anything I had to say, and was told that would be how it went. He did exactly what everything says he would. I blocked him. If he said anything else, I’ll never know unless he uses my phone number. I need to change that, too.
    I’m still a bit fearful of revenge, but thankfully I do live 660 miles away. I have a lot of healing to do and a lot of voices to silence. I guess three years of this will do that. I never thought I was susceptible to abuse. I feel weird saying I was abused. A big part of me wants to go apologize and throw myself at his feet. How the hell did I become THAT person? I’m very, very confused. But at least now I can move on and get better.

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    • I feel like I just read my life – waking up from a very bad dream/ nightmare. Still trying to connect the dots knowing better , feelings in my gut but ignoring them! Experiencing the unthinkable & denying it could be that – but clearly it is/ now to end it , to recover – I don’t know where to begin.

      Liked by 1 person

      • We rarely here about the fix – or healing – only the devastation caused. I wrote a book about my healing process with the help of a great therapist. I would be honored to share some thoughts with you.

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    • This sounds EXACTLY like my last 3 years. I have no idea how to get away safely

      Liked by 1 person

      • Has your situation been able to change? I just read this article which clearly states the problem but not much for how to heal. I wrote a book about my own healing process with the help of a great therapist and would be glad to exchange thoughts with you (while completely respecting your anonymity)

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  35. PTSD The feeling tired, confused, fearful and depressed, then having good days thinking it is better. NC for 2 months 2 weeks.
    Today I wanted to contact mother because I am facing surgery tomorrow. I want a mother, that i will never have. I know she would use my illness as a way to hurt me. “I’m being punished for treating her so bad” If I am getting attention because of surgery……she would be furious! (I saw this in the past when her husband was concerned about me at the emergency room.)
    Any way, NC is the best way for me to heal.
    When I am outside, sometimes I feel afraid, that her or someone she knows will see me outside my new place. (NM does not know where I am living. If she does, she has not harassed me yet, or mailed me anything)

    Thanks for posting this! I will reread it often 🙂

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  36. To sum it up they are, either they be male or female , SUPER ASSHOLES, usually with an amplitude that qualifies them as mentally disordered, i.e, Nuts. They can’t begin to understand themselves, even though they know something is off with them, and they usually have addiction to drugs or alcohol that is blamed for excessive behaviors.
    You get the idea. Stay away from the cacti.

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  37. I have been through a three year ordeal post the break up of my marriage. My x was an abisive man in every sense of he word and a complete narcissist. Having affairs flirting with women in front of me and my children. It was a total nightmare. I was told by my doctor that I was ” in the Stockholm syndrome”. A syndrome of abuse that I could not get out of. The I love u, got me every time. Finally I got the strength to leave when he starting physically abusing my children. I know I am suffering from PTSD. I can’t seem to break out of the cycle of panic, depression , self deprecation. It’s getting easier over time but it is so damaging. I hope that women In this situation read this and get out of toxic relationships sooner then later. It has taken a terrible toll on me being in a relationship with a complete narcissist for 23 years. I wish this blog would have existed when I was 19. Even as a physician I couldn’t see reality couldn’t face. reality. I allowed someone to destroy my ego then try to destroy me emotionally, financially in everyway. It’s a long journey and a very hard one. Surround yourself with people you love ,avoid toxic friends and collegues. As when you have been bullied you are weak and a target for everyone.

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  38. This is so close to the mark it has left me feeling emotional… I am in this place… its hard… really hard.

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  39. Thank you so much for such a profound text! I really needed to hear the words about fear after abuse and not being able to connect to anybody after suffering the abuse. Let this be my next milestone to move on.

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    • This article describes me completely. I been out of my abusive relationship with a narcissist since March of 2014. I was wondering why I felt so defeated after I ended the 20 plus years relationship. Wondering why multiple memories always surface out of the blue of something awful that occurred during the relationship. Why I live in fear and am afraid to live life. Basic functions I find hard to do in my everyday life. Having a hard time accepting he didn’t really love me. I don’t trust anyone. All communication is over. He’s married and has a new baby. I feel stuck. I want to live my life. I just don’t know how. I’m lost. I’m confused as to why it’s hard to function the relationship is over. It’s hard to make decisions and I fear succeeding and being happy. He’s moved on why cant I.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I am so sorry, Lana. It takes a long time to recover from this type of abuse. I have also been out and no contact with the abuser since May 2014. I am still struggling as well but found that I have to take it all one day at a time. He has “moved on” as you say because he never had a true love connection with you or anyone. The new baby/wife has not changed him. He does not have the capacity to love. He merely hooked the new victim in a way to show you/others that he is not the problem. He wants you to believe that you are the problem. Its the extreme triangulation he is using to hurt you. You are not the abuser. But he is. Its all for show. He will abuse this woman as well. You DID love him because you have the capacity to love and feel and its not pretend to you. YOUR LOVE WAS REAL. His was not. You most probably have Complex PTSD due to multiple years of abuse by this man and I would encourage you to seek a support group (online) or individual therapy IF you need it. I am not saying you need it but it may help you. Twenty years is a long time to be with an abuser. Give yourself time to heal. Take as much time as you need. There is no time frame on healing. I would not get involved in another relationship until you learn and heal the wound that make you a target for an abuser.You don’t have to trust anyone but yourself. After I left the abuser, I did not even trust my own judgment for a long time because I didn’t even know I was being abused until I learn about this type of abuse. I apologize for the delay in writing this. I did not see your comment until today. Please forgive my late reply.

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  1. Pingback: Narcissistic Abuse – Why Does It Take So Long to Heal? | sass

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