3 Reasons We Recommend ALL OR NOTHING (No Contact) with a Narcissistic Person


The all or nothing advice we give about avoiding a narcissist altogether, isn’t because we’re unhealthily encouraging black and white or either / or type of thinking or advocating that healthy boundaries can’t be used with general run of the mill people who “irritate” you.

This advice is given because the bottom line is that a narcissist ISNT run of the mill and with a narcissist there is NO HALF WAY. The common “get along” tactics that are useful and helpful with healthier people will not only not work with a narcissist, but will likely BACKFIRE; ALWAYS leaving you in a position that if you make the decision to have any interaction whatsoever with a narcissist, the entire interaction will blow up in your face and cause emotional distress.

The narcissistic personality disordered psychopath is the first “throw away” person I’ve encountered in my life. By throw away, I mean, the only person that I would not consider salvaging, giving an inch to, or letting remain in my life. I entirely throw them away, lock the door, and block their re entry in all ways possible.

Let’s consider why we must be so absolute when it comes to setting such a permanent boundary with a narcissist:

1. They lack empathy

Without having experienced what it’s like to deal with someone without the capacity to empathize, we take for granted that we possess this much needed human trait and we’re somewhat naive that other human beings could possibly be void of this sign of being “human”. We underestimate the danger of a sociopath and/or psychopath,   we extend benefit of doubt when it isn’t deserved, we employ fairness when that’s not reciprocated, due to decreasingly poor boundaries we get our wires crossed.  We take too on much responsibility (forced codependency of narcissism) and repeatedly doubt and blame ourselves when these empathy problems show themselves, instead of realizing the problem exists in the other person and will try to fix it; not knowing we’re dealing with a lack of empathy and are inexperienced as to how to handle ourselves when confronted with this information.

Empathy problems present themselves in a number of ways:

a. We dont feel listened to or more importantly “heard”
b. Lack of feeling heard or seen creates “intimacy” issues
c. Intimacy issues along with the realization emotionally that the narcissist refuses or can’t empathize with us, causes us to feel insecure in the relationship
d. The insecurity in the relationships drive conversations regarding trust that are again not listened to, heard or responded to (thus there is no resolution)
e. Lack of resolution leads to frustration and expression of feelings and acting out on the part of the target that allows the narcissist to use and shift the focus and blame (deflection) back on us which causes….
f. An anxious feedback loop. This cycle of lacking empathy is at the core of EVERY argument with the narcissist because the arguments themselves exist due to the narcissist’s lack of empathy.

Sound confusing? Imagine LIVING it. We chase our tails in these relationships. No wonder we end up feeling crazy and confused. It is crazy and it is confusing. It’s just the narcissist who introduces this and continues this throughout the entire relationship which includes the time period FOLLOWING the actual cessation of the relationship.
If people dont respect us or are not willing to show us respect, then there’s just not much more we can do.

2. Their negativity will bring us down instead of our positivity lifting them up

They say, “Misery loves Company” well I say, “Narcissists love to bring happy people down.” What BETTER type of power trip to a narcissist’s ego than to take a naturally happy person and by their own “amazing abilities” turn them into a shell of their former selves while walking off “wearing their skin”? You know that they WANT to see you laying on the sidewalk, crying out in pain because you’re “nothing” without them; just as they told you (or insinuated many times).

Once your boundaries are eliminated, you become a narcissists free for all playground. Whatever good things they want to pick out about you to use, enjoy, toy with, show off, and just as rapidly and intensely abhor us for them is just another HUGE reason to not have to deal with these shenangigans on an ongoing basis.

They’ll take what the like about us and discard the rest, treating us as a cafeteria plan of THEIR choosing instead of a person with a whole and complete identity.

They’re always complaining about something. They’re always at odds with someone whether a family member, co worker or someone in the general public. So many opportunities for the narcissist to whine and stir the pot with never ending chaos. These people would be unhappy at Disneyland! The happiest place on earth!

Their personalities are dark clouds of accumulated shame, addictions and perversions. They feed their thoughts of power, sex, worldly success, vanity, who’s who, delusional dreams of unlimited popularity and/or beauty or money. Blech! They actually are the people among us who boast about how their life would be a GREAT REALITY SHOW! Uhm…Says WHO? Oh yes, the narcissist. The one person self hype machine.
Narcissists are vapid and one dimensional. They lack emotional depth and context. They aren’t fun conversationalists. They’re draining, negativity will feel like a smudge left on your world when they walk away. I personally think, smudge itself is easier to clean away than a narcissist.


Narcissists are the ONLY ones allowed to have rules in limits in the relationship. They dictate. They speak for “US” whether we agree or not. They bulldoze. They refuse to respect the demarcation lines between ourselves and them. They view us as possessions owned, not wonderous additions to their lives. They can’t be truly grateful because they feel entitlted to it all. Yek!

Our boundaries are the ones that even if existed upon meeting a narcissist, surely will NOT once we’ve spent enough time in their company.
Personally, I was able to tell many romantic parnters no, or express my desires and opinions in prior relationships. The narcissist however, just beats us down. Exhausts us. The constant drama, arguments, disrespect, demands, ego games, silence……I can easily see why just acquiescing (waiving the white flag of surrendering your boundaries) seems like a “peacekeeping” decision.

Even if you learn to establish healthy boundaries and that’s a Sign of Health but you are engaged in constant battle with a person who whole heartedly believes it is their right to not only challenge those boundaries but to destroy them if they want, It’s a sign of health to recognize futility, know when to throw in the towel, and refuse to participate in any relationship that isn’t reciprocal and/or enriching to your well being.

There’s a certain emotional intelligence in being able to recognize when things are a losing battle. Our responsibility is not to teach another adult how to respect our boundaries. That’s up to the narcissist. Since the narcissist is heavily invested, in fact lives to blame others, this is a no win situation. We will constantly have to repeat ourselves about what we can’t tolerate and theyll continue to ignore us.

This is the same premise as “fool me once, shame on You, foo me twice, shame on me”. The first time they ignored our saying, “Please don’t speak down to me.” or “Please don’t call us names” was their one chance to show us they respected our need to not be called names. The second time, they do it is an indication that they will continue to do this, and if they do, we are ALLOWING it.
Establish just ONE BOUNDARY and walk away for good!

Just say, ‘NO!’

Because that means:


Posted on March 27, 2015, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.

  1. This is wonderful information. My girlfriend has been divorced from her NPD for 8 years and has been pulling all sorts of games the last five (5) months. You truly cannot reason with this animal, however kids are involved. What does anyone recommend with children?


  2. I’m 8 months into full “no contact” with my malignant narc of a father. He has Parkinson’s and was living with his malignant narc of a boyfriend (apparently they find each other) when he BEGGED to come and live with me and my husband because he thought his partner was trying something funny with his finances. He was doing unethical things with my dad’s money so my brother and I moved him in on one week’s notice and I thought we were done with his loser boyfriend who e-mailed harassed me for a solid year after my dad broke a hip. His harassment stopped when my husband threatened to sue him for it. My dad called all his friends and said he’d broken it off and that’s when the sneaking around and lying started. He immediately started seeing his partner while lying straight to my face. He had 24/7 caretakers and all I had to do was ask them where they’d been. My dad would yell “who told on me?” instead of apologizing. This went on for months and then he tried to yank the basketball shorts off a 25 year old caretaker and guest in my home and thus began “hell week”. I was at a conference in the next town over and this young man came in to my husband to ask him to tell my dad to knock it off. Instead of being ashamed my dad looked my husband in the eye and say “you know, these people will give you a blow&$# for $100 bucks”. My husband had to tell him that this was illegal and we’re not running a brothel. I was mortified and my brother proceeded to ream him that night. I reamed him when I came home. When he screamed at me that there was nothing wrong with what he’d done and I knew I had to get him medically and psychologically evaluated. I was out of my league and I needed to get him help. MY MISTAKE. Narcs don’t want help, they want an AUDIENCE. He ran away from home to his psycho partner’s house without telling me and I called the police to have them check on him. What I didn’t realize was that he was completely getting off on being the center of attention. Solving his problems would eliminate the drama and he couldn’t have that. The police officer called me and told me that my dad was ok and then he paused and “he’s pressing abuse charges against you”. “Let me get this straight, he gets caught literally with his pants down and I’M the one getting charged?” The poor cop apologized and I said I’M DONE. Tell him he’s got 24 hours to get his stuff out of my house and get out of my life. My brother started handling his life and my dad kept trying to get me to keep supplying his narcissism, which I didn’t. He didn’t have the guts to press charges but I’d already started devouring everything I could get my hands on about NPD and I knew that I could never have contact with him again. He’s tried to get me sucked in by having his doctor call me and then when I informed the doctor what he’d done to me he apologized to me. Ironic. My mom, my grandmother, others have apologized for him and he’s the only one who’s never apologized. He showed up a week before Christmas at my church with his narc boyfriend because he thought that he had the right to come and hear me sing. I looked at his partner and said “not tonight”. He looked at me like he was shocked (a page out of the narc’s playbook: you’re the one who’s crazy). We were getting ready for a Christmas concert and a friend of mine went out to diplomatically dispatch him. If either one of them had an inkling of how truly heinous their behavior was, they would have been too embarrassed to show up there. THEY JUST DON’T GET IT! They will NEVER get it! No contact is the only way to go.


  3. Dedee Chambers

    Thank goodness I went N.C. with my naraolic dad…he destroyed my brother and then set out for me…God sent an angel to intervene.. And I was able to leave without harm! God is Good!!!


  4. I feel used and discarded like a piece of trash.I haven’t seen my daughter in a year.I took the abuse because my grandson was dying from a fatal brain disease.He passed away last year,he was 6 My daughter has verbally abused me for a long time.I feel drained.I will not have any more grandchildren,his disease was genetic.My daughter has the personality of her father,selfish,self centered,and greedy.


  5. I am just now realizing that my partner is narcissistic, which is more specific than ’emotionally abusive’. I have a 6 month old baby with him and am determined to get away. I tried to “take some space” months ago, but he made vague threats about taking things to court and said I was ‘taking his baby away from him’. Did not respect my wish for no communication even just for 24 hours so that I could have space. I am scared of him taking me to court. He has two other kids that I love and want to keep in my child’s life, but I also feel that no contact with him would be healthiest for me. I don’t know if I should grey rock him, leave but assure him that he can still see the baby and try to keep things peaceful, or call him out on all of it and try to get as separated as I can. It has only been three days since I’ve come back to the realization that I need to go! What to do!?!?


  6. My X is one of those who is good at mimicking empathy because it gets people to like and trust him for a time. With many of his friends, he can keep them for a few years but eventually he burns bridges, sheds them, they see him for his web of lies, and he cycles through to a new group.
    It is very hard not to fall into old patterns of trusting what he says at face value, because I did it for over a decade before I realized the depths of his manipulations and lies.
    Now I have been experiencing in essence a paradigm shift for the last year to two years based on all this.
    We have children together so “no contact” is not possible.
    He is really good at playing the “nice guy” role. “My wife left me”, and I am sure he tells the story with a spin of me being the manipulative “B”. He is excellent at getting people, esp. Women, to believe him and trust and sympathize with him. He surrounds himself with women now because men see through his BS.
    He is so subtle and passive aggressive in how he tries to pull my strings. However, my superpower lies in him not knowing that I know now what he is capable of.
    I “gray rock” as much as possible. Some people wonder how to put that into action. Where he competes to be the most exciting, I compete to be the most boring and predictable that I can.
    He bought a shiny new car? I am keeping my old one. He sneaks off to Tijuana for some crazy weekend nonsense? My big weekend plans usually involve the kids and the park or grandparents. He gets his shirts custom made? I brag about shopping at thrift stores. He put an offer on a house? I am content in my humble apartment. He posts online about going out drinking with big groups? I poke fun at my newly discovered love of stuffy British TV dramas, and for going to bed every night at 10. He has a huge new group of exciting friends? I have the same old handful of friends I have always had. He dyes his hair and gets Botox? I show up sans-makeup to get the kids in cutoffs and a tshirt.

    I don’t do anything crazy which must bore him to no end. I never spiraled into a deep depression (although I have battled a fair amount of what I consider mild depression, due to obvious reasons, though I know it is temporary, and I deal with this quietly away from what he can see). I didn’t have some string of bad boyfriends. I am basically all about being a mom, my job, and living a quiet, plain, kind lifestyle. I even started going back to church. When I talk about church, I can now see his facial expression of ennui at the mere mention of it. Me going to church is so boring it pains him.
    We manage to maintain a line of communication about the kids, and to the outside world we look like diplomatic co-parents. thats one way I avoid feeding his need for drama… Even when I was literally in panic mode for months on end during our divorce, I maintained a calm, boring exterior so as not to feed the drama monster. Which, by the way, took absolutely everything I had… And many phone calls with my mom, and many conversations with a few close friends just to not have a breakdown. I let him think I don’t know what he is. Because I know there is no changing him.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Thank you to whoever started this blog. It is scary accurate how close this behavior matches my ex. I’ve recently got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, and it wasn’t until about 4 months ago I realized I was dealing with a Narcissist. I am still processing the relationship, the betrayal, lack of remorse/empathy, and the fact that I won’t ever get closure from him. I don’t understand how someone can be like this…esp since I actually loved him. How can someone hurt someone else so much and have no remorse or empathy?! He’s since moved on to his next victim and is probably love bombing her right now. It is still hard for me to realize that it wasn’t me (even though in my head I know it’s not). It’s still hard to picture him with someone else, and I’m still struggling with the self-hate talk on occasion…”why not me?”…”Why wasn’t I good enough?” I know in reality HE is the one not good enough, but like I said he has made me feel so inadequate and not “special” enough for him…because in his mind he is such a good catch and has endless admirers. In his mind, “why should he settle? There are plenty of nice girls out there,” and he has literally told me that. I know he knows I can see who he really is, and since has dropped me like I meant nothing to him. The man who told me he was in love with me is not really the person I thought he was. I’m struggling accepting the reality of this because in my mind I see that sweet, loving, caring, compassionate, polite, “everybody loves him guy” who gave me so many compliments/affection/”you’re the best thing that’s happened to me” attitude in the beginning…as well as the deceitful, mind fucking, self-centered ass who started telling me everything about me that “I wasn’t” and that’s what was causing him to become distant. He puts on a front towards everyone, and it’s frustrating that no one can see how he acts behind doors. He’s acted like this towards every other person he’s been in an intimate relationship with as well as his friends…he does. not. care if he keeps relationships with people. If someone from the past shows up, he’s only interested because it’s “new” again and convenient.

    Anyways, thank you. I know I’m not the crazy one (even though I feel crazy at times–esp rambling on, lol). I would never wish this upon anyone, but I’m grateful there are others out there who understand what I’m going through. Reading these articles helps me get back on track and gain my self confidence back. I still have bad days/moments of grief and sadness and confusion, but I have faith I will overcome this. I don’t still don’t understand, but I’m hoping in time I will heal and be able to trust and love someone again.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. While I agree whole heartedly with point number three on boundaries and no contact, and there is nothing more than I would want to do than have no contact, to allow more healing, what is a person supposed to do when they have to “co-parent” with the narcissist?

    I have a court order for access, but now that my ex is in a new relationship, his partner is pregnant and she already has a child, now my ex wants more access. He uses our 7 year old child to blame me for his lack of access and manipulates our child to think that getting more access will allow him to spend more time with daddy, when in fact I know no such thing will happen as my ex will continue to play happy families and not give that attention to my son. Instead he gives it to his new partner and her child. Meanwhile my child is getting more and more upset and confused. He will blame me for this as I am effectively being bad mouthed. And at times I find myself on the back foot and have said a few inappropriate things to my son about his dad which would be seen as bad mouthing. I said them in the heat of the moment and my head is wrecked watching what my son is going through.

    I am effectively tied to my ex via my son and what he does to him. I’m assuming that’s part of the point; to keep me focused on the ex, and stopping me from moving on?

    And yet my son can turn around and call daddy a jackass, and floored me one day when he said “daddy does not know how to love”

    Any suggestions?


  9. How true is all of this? Very we’ll said… They say a narc can be put in a room with 100people and they can pik out all the codepenants. Codependants n narcs do the perfect dance,the narc is always satisfied n the codependanc always wants to fix everything… How do they know this ? I was in a 3year relarionshionship with a narc. I’ve been away for 2years and still he tries to keep the door open by texting and calling. I am working hard to stay away.. They manipulate, gas ignite you, totally disrespect everything about you! They are not worth our time and effort… The emotional n mental a abuse is herendous to say the least! They always lie steal and cheat you. They don’t respect you or your boundries. Can’t give away what you don’t have ,keeping in mind everything works off of self principal. For those of you still in this sad situation ,run n run fast n far don’t look back.. Love n light to everyone n best wishes.. Allison

    Liked by 1 person

  10. wow it’s pretty scary knowing you’ve had kids by a narcissist.. I’ve been married to or involved with 4 men that were narcissistic creeps! How I gained the strength to get away is amazing, but it’s because I did have a child that gave me the strength the first time & he abused me every way possible! He tore me down & always caught me when I tried to get away.. Except the last time & I Ran far away with my baby and I was only 18 yrs old. He always put me down not a kind bone in his body! How was I so damn blind??!!?? Never again I said.. 3 yrs later Im divorced & fall into a similar situation.., now I know it has to be me! My fault! He said it & he said I was nothing without him! He said no one would love me like he does, no one! Yet.. I was the one with a job supporting him going thru school ! I was a fool! After spending a roller coaster marriage 10+ yrs.. I told him I was done! He blew up then begged me to stay but that was his game.. If I went back he would’ve been mean & very disrespectful to me.. I met the greatest guy ever when I was 29 .. More different than anyone I had ever met. I would be married to him today if my brother-in-law had not raped me! I was pregnant with this wonderful guys child, I was truly in love.. & all of a sudden out of a sick disgusting jealousy my brother in law felt about me.. And I was staying with my sister and brother in law during my divorce.. To his brother! No I didn’t know the guy I was dating was my brother in law… But the creep raped me.. And I lost my baby & had to move away! I miss the guy I was in love with.. But we will always be friends.. To all the Narcissist creeps out there.. Stay the hell away!


  11. How do you follow this when kids are involved? My ex- narc constantly uses our kid against me and it is now affecting mine and my sons relationship ( he said I am mad! Which hurt deeply because i am under immense emotional and mental stress).


  12. Fantastic, thank you again so much. This blog helped me last week to just make the cut off. My ex somehow found my blog and started making offensive comments, but I can just moderate them out and there’s no feeling at all. There’s such an interesting feeling of freedom in knowing there is nothing you can do for such a person. These blogs really help me out so much!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. How do I instigate a ‘no contact’ policy when the NPD in my life is the father of my 3 young children (11, 8, 6) ??? – much as I would dearly like to have no contact, ever, with this man, he has used his narcissistic power to take me to court and gain 50/50 care of them. Like you have said here, he refuses to respect my boundaries for communication, he continually undermines me and sows the seed of doubt about me and my love for our children (who he refers to as ‘my children’, not ever ours) to them. Above all, I am so worried about the effect of him now having undiluted time with them. It’s a living nightmare & I don’t know how to deal with any of it.


  14. I really like the idea of “forced codependency”. I struggled so much with even being blamed for being a co-dependent that it is good to see that being with a narcissist turns you into a co-dependent. I know there are studies about how all relationships have co-dependent tendencies. But, there is some natural dependencies that we all expect and have in a relationship. It’s the “label” that has been so troublesome, so this phrase really helped me see that I’m okay.

    I also love the practical “empathy” bits. All so TRUE for me.


  15. Absolutely! Unequivocally true!! Still trying to escape from the Narc. Sometimes a week will go by with no contact from him, sometimes 3 days (I finally left him May 2014) – yet they still keep coming. Always saying the same things…. “Why can’t we just be friends?” Seriously? Why in the hell would i remain friends with an abuser? Then the shaming texts always come “how can you hate someone you claimed you loved?” “I will always love you even though you don’t love me.” “I miss you, even though you don’t care.” yada yada. Countless times I have said “no communication!” “do not contact me” “leave me alone, it’s been 9 months”… Clearly he cannot respect boundaries. Last 3 were 5 days ago. So glad to be free of him, at least mentally! I will not respond to him again.

    Liked by 1 person

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