“I Love You” – The Three Most Abusive Words Spoken By a Narcissist

I Love You! These are the most abusive and hideous words that the Narcissist uses to abuse their targets/victims!

The effects of emotional or psychological abuse falls under the category of ‘traumatic shock’ a well-known and accepted theory. The definition defines it as this; any event that destroys our internalized set of assumptions patterns and understandings that we all use to operate in the world every day. It is saying that we become traumatized by one extreme action or a set of actions that come into our lives. These actions are usually associated with something we have never experienced before personally and very negative that has impacted and jolted our reality.

This could be the trauma that combat veterans experience, hostages being held at gunpoint, earthquake victims, prisoners of war, AND YES ABUSE VICTIMS. What this is saying is that a horrendous event has entered into our conscious world and we are not equipped with the proper experience or tools to work through the situation. Being traumatized is the outcome of this abuse and we are frozen in the situation with seemingly no way out. We were so seamlessly tricked and betrayed into a belief for such a long period of time that many levels of our life grew right alongside of this huge lie. It keeps replaying in our head and we TRY over and over again to search for the answer as well as some sort of relief to stop the pain associated with this HUGE loss and horrendous betrayal, but it is inconceivable. Without the correct help or answers we are stuck in that scenario especially as it concerns abuse targets/victims.

I love you! As simple as those words are they are three of the most complex and most emotional words that a person can say to another. They are meant to convey a real message, one that entails a bond that is so special that two people will grow together, trust one another with their lives, build dreams on, and perhaps even produce a family based on this connection AND MANY DO. These are words that we grew up with and understood so clearly. These are the very words that a Narcissist hangs their hat on and opens the door up to manipulate, objectify, betray, weaken, damage, disable and extort everything they can from a target/victim. These are the very words that are pathological in nature as it concerns the empty soul of a Narcissist and their real agenda to harvest us for supply. They are uttered with such a complete and seamless reality that they unlock the very souls and mind of the person that gets trapped in the Narcissist’s big lie and con job! These words are heard every day throughout the world, and are such an amazing part of the human connection – what better choice of words could a thief of hearts, minds and life use to break into our world? A psychological rapist and terrorist! Did anybody here grow up with an understanding that a creature could convey a complete and loving relationship to con you out of your life? I never realized the magnitude of this abuse or just how completely disordered and hateful a Narcissist is. I still can’t wrap my head around it completely enough to make any sense out of this and instead I defer to this as purely evil. I don’t even want to define it because the truth of the matter is all the definition I need.

This is what so many of victims of Narcissistic abuse experience. They look for answers to insurmountable and complex questions AND trying to get help from the people in their immediate surrounding and unfortunately they don’t have the answers or even a concept of how deep this abuse has entangled so many levels of the victim’s life. The target/victim only ends up feeling more isolated with all of these thoughts and unanswered questions still replaying in their heads. They may not even know that what they are experiencing is trauma and many don’t even realize that they were a target/victim of psychological abuse as well. Trauma requires a great deal of time, energy and therapy to allow the victim/target to reacquaint themselves and feel comfortable in their own skin as well as what they believed about life before their abuse. Basically it is deprograming the psychological terrorism that the Narcissist has administered.

Even when the target/victim associates their situation with abuse from a Narcissist there are still so many other components to deal with that it becomes too conflicting – so everything stays in one huge multileveled blur. A target/victim can’t look at any one aspect without the rest of the abuse tugging at them and pulling them into to many negative directions – and thus the TRAUMA.

So I am going to add a clinical definition to this process that confounds the target/victim even more, and that is ‘cognitive dissonance.” In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values. Plug this definition into the ‘love bombing’ aspect where the victim is manipulated into the horrendous belief that the Narcissist is/was in love with them. Then add that the victim DOES fall into what they believe is/was real love AND the length of time they spent in this ‘condition’ as well as being managed down, devalued and then discarded.

Basically the theory of cognitive dissonance focuses on how humans strive for internal consistency. When inconsistency (or the dissonance) is experienced, individuals tend to become psychologically disabled or destabilized and they are more motivated or forced to attempt to fix or correct this dissonance, through many different thought processes be it justification, denial, avoidance or ANY information which will only compound the confounding situation. It is refiguring the reality to create or make SENSE of it where there is none! The mind tries to create it through some sort of imaging. It is like looking at a cloud in the sky and we see a bunny. That is our mind trying put a perspective to something that is what it is, a cloud. But that bunny cloud floats away and doesn’t drop down on us from above in an effort to destroy us for believing it was a bunny cloud.

AGAIN think about this as far as a target/victim having to justify their entire reality with this abuse surrounding them! Remember that cognitive dissonance is so much a part of recovery where a target/victim is traveling through their perceived reality thinking that what they had WAS real (love) and then having to accept that what they had WASN’T love or EVEN real! I tried to write that as simply as the two opposite colors of black and white – but there is nothing simple when your mind tries to rationalize this. Seriously there is no gray or in between (or interpretation or validation) between that black and white, so the target/victim is left to figure this out and that is an insurmountable feat to say the least.

Normal people rationalize situations and there just is no rationalization to this UNLESS the target/victim can immediately actualize that this is abuse and erase every thought, action, memories, all the time spent together, the love, the hate, the hurt, their marriage, biological children, dreams, goals, etc., etc. That is a great deal to process especially when you are vulnerable, and left with the destruction from this abuse and at so many levels. Also add to the equation that this managing down or conditioning has been a part of the target/victim’s everyday life for a very long time. SO it is has become a normal aspect of this abuse for the target/victim to travel down so many avenues or side streets to adjust and bend their emotions in an effort to ALWAYS try to rationalize it and FIX it EXPECIALLY during the devaluation phase. With discard the target/victim is hyper vigilant in their search for rationalization and answers. But there was NEVER any basis of reality so whatever rationalization the target/victim formed was just built on all of the lies and manipulation from the Narcissist. The mind just can’t untangle this quickly so it creates overwhelming confusion and trauma!

There are people out there that will offer simple support or a pat on the back, but in reality without tried and true validation the target/victim simply assumes they are to blame somehow because nobody truly understands the reality of the psychological rape the target/victim has experienced. This is not a person wanting to BE or remain a victim forever, it is a plea for help because they are lost in the abuse and feeling as if something is terribly wrong with them and reaching out. Nobody would want to feel the effects of this abuse just so they can say they are a victim. It is so mentally debilitating that the normal reality of everyday life is so distorted that it basically halts for the target/victim. That is very scary or better yet a horrifying place to be in.

Targets/victims of psychological abuse have to tear down their entire understanding of the world, people and love, and rebuild the whole system from the ground up to feel comfortable in THEIR OWN SKIN again. Information and support from the people closest to the victim is crucial – BUT unfortunately with this type of abuse the variable that prohibits this is that most people truly have no viable understanding of just what a Narcissist is or that this abuse is so damaging. So the lack of support from those closest to the victim (for whatever reason it may be) can actually be the most damaging and dangerous. Again the target/victim will internalize a bad message one in which they will blame themselves for allowing this to happen and feel very isolated and invalidated.

When a person tells a target/victim to just move for instance, what message does that send? It says that this isn’t that important for you to be here and going on and on with all of your words and describing the details, etc. It is a total invalidation of the abuse and It makes the target/victim believe that they are over-reacting and in turn makes them feel as if they are inferior or damaged and ‘BAM’ the target/victim puts the blame back onto themselves and may even believe they are crazy. This is a traumatized victim not a person that had an argument with someone they were in a relationship with. Add to this just where the target/victim will go for help and WHEN they can’t get immediate support for the abuse. Most will go BACK TO THE SOURCE OF THEIR PROBLEM – their abuser. Traumatization requires viable solutions and answers that validates the reality that their situation was really out of the normal circumstances of day to day life and NOT something that the person experiencing this trauma can reason away (cognitive dissonance.) Unfortunately some target/victims go on for years without validation and develop coping skills that are not even viable as far as moving forward and back into a welcoming world.

The problem with anyone telling a target/victim to move forward and leave everything behind is that it works directly against the best interests of anyone suffering from trauma or better yet Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that occurs after being abused. Unfortunately this can even occur when the victim of this abuse is in therapy. There comes a time AFTER everything has been sorted out that we have to go through some deep introspection as it concerns ourselves being COMPLETELY healthy and releasing from the abuse and creating new boundaries by looking inward to find anything that connects us to reoccurring abuse. BUT when you are traumatized you are not feeling healthy to find healthy solutions. So AGAIN recovery is a process that requires specific steps.

There are many amazing and wonderful self-help programs, etc. out there and in time they are very helpful in repurposing yourself. BUT again when a target/victim is past the trauma stage and able to see the REAL light of day again. Just what the word self (as in self-help) DEPICTS or directs as the main message is that the source of the problem is in the victim’s perception of their own self, and not anything from the external world. It also suggests that it can be fixed or addressed by applying personal change. For a person to become a survivor that has had their world view profoundly manipulated and altered by psychological abuse, this only forces them to assess themselves AS IN BEING THE WHOLE SOURCE OF THE PROBLEM. Self-help has its place with a mentally healthy individual that may want to quit smoking because they are able to reason clearly, but it is only a temporary fix for someone that has had their whole world psychologically altered over a long period of time. Targets/victims of this abuse have become disabled by this abuse and the destruction of everything that was their real life. If we could fix this ourselves we would be right there with that theory, but unfortunately that is not how it works. Would you tell a physically or sexually abused target/victim to initiate self-help directly after the realization of the truth of their situation? No that would be inhumane to offer them a quick fix like a pat on the back and telling them to work on it.

To go a little further with this point. Self-help urges several things that make sense individually but WHEN THE TARGET/VICTIM is mentally healthy again and able to return to the reality they once had. Suggestions to ‘move on at once’ and not to ‘repeat patterns’ OR to ‘learn from the experience’ but not to ‘blame others’ OR to ’empower yourself’ so as to avoid further abuse and at the same time to ‘accept responsibility’ for your part in it, and to ‘examine what happened’ but not to ‘dwell’ because you seem obsessed or scorned is just senseless to the target/victim when they are right there in the trauma – it is even dizzying to read in that one big run on sentence. Directives like these make no sense to a person that can’t make sense of what has happened to them, AGAIN it only makes them feel the blame is right there with them! In time with a healthy perspective there are viable ‘help’ programs to set up new boundaries, etc. – but that comes later and not right now.

Trauma and shock is an outcome of this abuse and the reality or need to rebuild ourselves is reasonable, but where is the reality basis for a traumatized person to build off of these suggestions when they are traumatized and can’t seem to function normally enough to take care of themselves. There is no personal experience to build off of until they understand the complete picture. What seems reasonable by just moving on, will only add up to greater confusion when the target/victim is still left confounded, angry, depressed, anxious and wanting closure where there is none. Why would a target/victim confront themselves with what was missing from their life or reality BEFORE the abuse when they are working through the here and now or the trauma to just be able to function WITH clarity and understand this whole mess. Then there are the messages that the abuse target/victim is not allowed to be ‘overly negative’ or ‘play the victim’ by blaming anyone else, SO the only person the target/victim can end up blaming or assigning responsibility to, or getting angry with is themselves.

Empowering ourselves has its place, but that is to empower ourselves FIRST with the truth and education to back it up and guide us CORRECTLY to recovery or basically one of many steps. We have to understand that our reality did come from the outside world in the form of abuse from a Narcissist – then and only then can we put together the other components that GOT us there and KEPT us there dancing with this destructive Narcissist. It will be different for every person. But WE CAN NOT force the issue and bury the abuse and trauma by just moving on. Do we want to ALWAYS blame ourselves and forever feel we were responsible because we were not powerful enough and if it happens again we are definitely the problem here? Probably we would end up believing so and that is just defeating the purpose of healing by saying we are just that weak that we always allow ourselves to be abused. No again this is debilitating psychological rape. No abuse is ever our fault so proper perspective has to be a part of the process so that it triggers the correct response when red flags are waving at us and if we should happen to fail, we will work through it with better perspective. This perspective must give us a clear understanding of the abuse we experienced so we can assimilate that into our future thoughts.

Empowerment is PART of the process of reassigning your belief system to include that abuse and even evil does exist out in the real world. A healthy mind will put this into perspective – BUT once that mind is at a place to do so AND with proper steps and education to back it up. We must purge the abuse out in a logical process that includes embracing our grief through anger and every other thought process that appears. We have to DEAL with our thoughts and not just repress them. It may seem viable but anything that is unresolved and buried within us will resurface eventually and that is why so many targets/victims get stuck in this abuse and keep returning to it day after day to find some sort of logic. If we do not get healthy through the many steps of grieving, anger, talking about it to viable listeners, seeking reality through education, finding support through other survivors, taking a mental health break, then we will fail miserably.

It seems to me that many solutions lack one major component and that is the Narcissist that abuses us and their role in this. The Narcissist deserves the grand accolade of the person that gets the blame here because they are a predator that is pre-disposed to abuse and they are adept at doing it pure and simple. We can’t stay STUCK in blaming the Narcissist, but let’s put it where it belongs to start the process of recovery. Educating ourselves gives us the ‘ah ha’ moment to move one step further into our recovery. Let’s also NEVER forget children of Narcissistic parents that have lived their total life being devalued and groomed to accept abuse from every relationship. They have been traumatized their whole life and need to have these messages purged out of their head and reprogramed to see the reality of the goodness that does exist.

Finally, it is more realistic and makes more sense to allow the target/victim to speak clearly about the abuse and the abuser – this is essential to seeking answers and purging out all of the negative messages that were internalized. There are many questions that need to be answered like what we believed was love that was just a con job, or what the abusive Narcissist appeared to be, OR the reality of what this Narcissist is now. Questions involving what actions, issues and behaviors from the abusive Narcissist that account for what the target/victim is feeling traumatized about, rather than only turning our eyes back inward and towards our own self.

Furthermore,it makes more sense to allow a traumatized target/victim of this abuse to make REAL associations that caused the difference to what they previously believed (belief system before abuse) to be true, and then to expand that knowledge to incorporate and include the pathological actions of psychological abuse and the emotional battering that is their reality now from the Narcissist. This seems to be more reasonable than just insisting that the target/victim just change the view of themselves. It would make more sense to allow a target/victim to develop and dispel the anger in a viable manner instead of repressing it in favor of ‘just moving on.’ Clarity is first and foremost to integrate reality POST abuse, lessons will be learned instead of forcing a new reality without the necessary homework to get there. We can’t blame the target/victim of WANTING to be a victim if they seem stuck, and urging self-imposed rules and regulations because without the proper perspective about this abuse the target/victim WILL stay stuck in the negative pattern!

The reality is that if we don’t put it into a context that includes a viable understanding (education) first, we will miss the mark or our ‘ah ha’ moment, and we won’t be successful because we will continue searching for the answers. We don’t want to be eternal victims but can end up that way. Instead we are human beings that are inquisitive by nature and need to learn with every situation good or bad. The real component and the reality is that responsibility does also belong elsewhere rather than making the victim solely accountable. Even though that Narcissist isn’t there to accept the responsibility or provide closure the experience from survivors through sharing and education will validate the abused target/victim and that is so necessary. Reliable and real education from the abuse experience does inevitably involve anger and increased negativity BUT it also raises it into a higher plane by re-directing these negative emotions out of us or they WILL resurface. These are the realistic tools that will allow targets/victims to rise again with increased strength, and not actually hamper them.

Many targets/victims are afraid to speak out about what they are going through because they are afraid they will be looked down upon and considered obsessed, angry or just plain CRAZY. Again this is just a result of feeling they must be faulty to be in the position they are in, so they try to appear as if they are doing good when it is the furthest thing from their reality. NO speak out about it and tell the truth of the days you are unable to function, or if you cried for an hour, or you are so mad, feeling isolated and depressed or whatever. You have to validate your experience and not repress it. If it goes on too long than it requires more steps with some professional help from a therapist that has experience with this type of abuse. Self-reflection and introspection are very important when we are feeling clear and healthy enough to look inward again and create boundaries. AGAIN – this is all the outcome of the abuse and being managed down and manipulated. Embracing the reality is a hard pill to swallow, but it will allow you to live again and that is essential. PLEASE – no/minimal contact to start you on your journey to recovery.



Posted on December 18, 2014, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 32 Comments.

  1. Thank you for that article. I’m so tired of being told that I’m an empath, so it’s my fault. I’m so tired of people saying it couldn’t be that bad or I wouldn’t have stayed so long.


  2. Thank you very much for writing this article. I am up at 2am searching for answers once again trying to make since of what went wrong in my 3 1/2 year marriage, wondering did he ever really love me or was I just someone else to use. I have read many articles, but yours has shed light on things like non other. I am not qualified to diagnose, but what I will say is he has Narcissistic tendencies. Therefore, I’m pretty sure that’s what I have been dealing with. I have been and still am wrestling with this, but your article has expressed my struggle more clearly than I could ever articulate. I could not complete the article without breaking down.
    I want to copy it and pass it out to well meaning family and friends so they may understand what I am experiencing and how to better assist me in recovery. With my willingness, God’s help, and a good support system I will not only survive, but I will thrive.
    Thank you


  3. A narc parent operates much differently than a narc lover. The difference should be elaborated upon . Has this ever been done?


  4. Thank you so much for this article. It helps so much to have what I am going thru validated and understood. I have never been through such an emotional nightmare. This was my first relationship following the break up of a 16 yr marriage that suffered through infertility, multiple military deployments, PTSD after war and my husband’s adultery. But the near two years I spent with a narcissist has damaged me so much more. Sometimes I think I will never recover. Thank you so much for shining a light of truth over all I have been through and suffer from.


  5. Almost two weeks into my recovery from the third, and final, break up with my narcissistic ex, I am at last living for myself. I finally stopped crying at the undeniable evil required to try to destroy the light of another human being and through extensive research on NPD and forgiving myself for falling for his shit, I know I’ve got this. He is a textbook example of a dangerous narcissist, so he’s mysteriousness became predictable behavior. I tested out a few theories to help validate my suspicions and voilà, he was unmasked, disempowered, exposed and dethroned in short order. My relief came in understanding first of all-anyone can be fooled by someone with a lifetime of training in mimicking human emotions. Secondly, that I could not help this person get well due to the delusional nature of his disorder nor was I responsible for his wounded inner child that was murdering my inner child. Lastly, he would never run out of victims that were I an army of thousands I could not prevent this devastating inevitably, save the one soul I should have stood up for, mine. My one valuable contribution to surviving and thriving after narcissistic abuse is to trust yourself to do the right thing. Your inner light is so bright that a narcissist wanted it for himself, bad enough to destroy you for it. Take back your God-given light, shine it forgivingly and lovingly on the divine being you are, and leave that motherfather in the darkness where he belongs. Quit giving your precious time to him and spend some on you so that your radiance might guide others back to the light. Everything you will ever need is already inside of you. Trust yourself. You know how to do you…with gentle encouragement and love. No one can take you away from you, try as they might, your light is not for the taking, end of story.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Now just imagine how easy it is for someone to fall prey to an abuser when they have had a childhood full of criticism, authoritarian control, neglect, perfectionist parenting, neglectful, distracted, or absent parents, bossy older siblings – otherwise, not enough positive, confidence building personal experiences.

    That said, even confident people can be broken down by the parasitic nature of a narcissist.

    If you are trying to make sense out of your life with someone who you can never seem to please, read any book by Lundy Bancroft.
    Other authors who are “must reads” are Patricia Evans, and Leslie Vernick.


  7. Greg, you “get it!” Only another victim of abuse understands the all-consuming, deeply penetrating “down to the core” effects of abuse and deeply-entrenched “conflicting realities” of abuse.
    There are many many stages and cycles to the healing cycle, just as there were many stages and cycles to the abuse. The healing process by far is so much more complex than the abuse, which has its own depth and degree of complexity.
    Even when/if a victim can finally break away, it is a long and arduous journey to healing. It takes a lot of healing work to get to the point they can trust anyone, including themselves again.
    What prolongs healing and recovery is contact with the narcissist (unfortunately necessary if you’ve had children together).
    Not all therapists/counselors are good with trauma recovery.
    One of the biggest hindrances to recovery is staying associated with belief systems, whether it is a familial belief system ( originating from your family of origin, or a religious belief system, or a social circle’s belief system, it is that much harder to break away, find support, and find healing. It’s not impossible to heal – but extremely challenging.

    …And all while trying to support oneself while trying to process the confusion and grief.

    Also confounding the healing process is the victim’s own heart and compassion for others – which frequently has drawn them into the abuser’s original traumatic experience.


  8. I realized recently that I have been married to a Narcissist for 21 years. The emotional side of it is devastating. Getting him to see what he is, is harder than getting blood from a stone. I cannot remember the good times we shared, they are overshadowed by the bad, by the lies, by the deception, the threats on my life, my career, his threats to expose me to people I work with. I did not see as I thought this was normal behaviour. I thought the fights were normal. I did not know. Each time he threatened or tried to commit suicide, was each time I had managed to ‘defeat’ him or said something he was not able to answer back to. I became a liar and a cheat, it was easier to deal with. I became a Narc to fit in, that old saying, if you can’t beat them join them. I could not be a Narc for long, it wasn’t in my nature and I didn’t know what this was back then. I admitted to what I had done, the attempt to control got worse. I realised what he was after this. Why can a Narcissist not admit to being one or see what they are doing?


  9. Excellent and insightful article about NS victim.


  10. You write the truth beautifully. Down to the most minute detail. It’s comforting to know there are others out there who understand. What do you do when you have no way out?


  11. Wow….I cried as soon as this went into explaining the “target” feelings, the back & forth between love or hate, and the way this abuse tears you apart. I just recently began to see a clear picture of what has been going on for over a year. His good was so good & felt like heaven yet I’ve has this constant fear of him that has been present from the start yet I did not know why. Typically I’m not scared easily but I have been on edge so long that I jump when he enters the room. He’s beautiful to look at and makes me laugh so hard. Our sex life is the best I’ve ever had by 100%, nothing compares. I know he’s only had one other relationship longer than a year, never had a girlfriend even in school but he had sex with a few. Everywhere I’ve been with him ie friends, family, and even his ex of which he has a daughter with…….I run into someone within the group that he’s slept with yet I teased him long ago about him being a male slut and he freaked out, I don’t actually care and I was joking but well, you know? He’s narcissistic! He wants to be perceived as “perfect” and by looking at who he slept with, he’s always searching for potential future targets to “befriend”. He got with his exes cousins, best friends, and even now has been extraordinarily kind to his ex (whom I trust & love to death) so I’m going to assume it is because her youngest, beautiful, 19 year old sister is staying with her right now. Omg. I’m just putting this together cuz the pieces are all here!
    It’s so confusing because of the words said compared to the actions taken! I feel like my head is going to pop off and roll away from the fact that I can’t wrap my head around the blatant lack of empathy. I am so nice to people and worry about things I say wrong or at the wrong times; he will say the nicest things yet the energy literally feels like a grudge or hate minus the words spoken since he might be calling me beautiful as he walks out the door to ignore me all night and return late/early AM claiming to be at his storage unit where no one could confirm or deny his presence!
    He lives here still and I’m so afraid because although all the horrible things he’s done or lack of doing……I am scared I’m wrong yet I fully have proof he cheated a few months ago, had kicked him out and he came running back; I, of course, took him back only to find out she had stolen money from him so instead of admit that KARMA is a beotch, he said he missed me and made a mistake! I’m so stupid! I hate confrontation! I’m scared!
    AND I’m in therapy for my childhood issues right now that had been repressed memories until 9 months ago….is it possible that my fear of him was a trigger to start regaining memories?
    He’s been so mean about my prior sexual abuse. Ignoring me, watching me cry, abandoning me to struggle with my visions of rape & darkness alone. I’d never felt anger my entire life but for some reason I did alone about 2 months ago & I thought it was a heart attack since it dropped me to the floor. Turns out that is what we call “hysteria”, it’s awful!!! My throat felt as if it was going to fall out of my mouth if I did not let myself sob outloud & that is what helped me to breath again, as I could not stop the tightness in my chest to take a single gasp of air.
    I just cannot get over the fact that people exist like him. There is so much to tell, that I get overwhelmed trying to think about it and this was only a year of all the stuff I’ve been through.
    Somehow I still have compassion for others and am not angry. How can I not be angry? Angry at the people that should have been there when I was younger? Resentment? Anything? All I feel is this tight pain in my torso at ALL times, tightness in my chest, shortness of breath and at the sametime that I have pain…..I’m numb. My brain is foggy. Many hours pass as I stare blank into space as if no one is around me, almost like a trance.


  12. I can’t tell you how on target this “explanation” of an abusive narcissist is. For me I was only involved with him for several short months. I was already looking for a safe way out. It didn’t happen, he beat me to a pulp physically, mentally and emotionally. I got him incarcerated for 5 months and I have a 5 year dtay away order, but it’s not enough. I live in constant fear of him doing something like making me lose my job, or my living arrangements,stalking me or harming one of my family members. It’s horrible. I went through councelling with a local coalition, she was wonderful but I feel like I need a lot more. I’ve lost my sense of self, my confidence. I’ve been physically Ill and feel like my body is breaking down on me. All my life, I’ve been a really strong person. This completely took the wind out of my sails, and I don’t know if I will ever be me again. Do you have any suggestions of what to look for in a councilor?


  13. Thank you for helping me to understand. I used to be so happy and full of life before him.
    Luckily I am a fighter, but the fight seems so hard now. Getting out of bed, getting a job, going back to college…I often say for what? I will just fail again. I was a near 4. student, but I didnt complete my bachelors…I was told it was a waste of money, that I wouldnt be good at the carrear I chose, and he would be sitting on a beach with his laptop, bringing in the money, while I slaved 9-5.
    The anger you spoke of has made me feel so ashamed. I am not that person, or so I thought, but look at me now. Hurt and bitter.


  14. Dianah Shiflett

    Greg, I cannot speak highly enough to these post!! They are written so Concise, Clear and with the Depth (from the heart, soul & spirit) that is THE ONLY WAY to address the Depravity, Insidiouness & Torture that has been inflicted. It truly is a recovery starting from the pits of hell and the travel back & forth trying to get 1 finger or foot hold to begin the climb out. It is now so Clear to me (from my childhood) the grooming that took place for me to accept a Lifetime of Less! Even today my “mother” says “well now Dianah it wasn’t ALL his fault, I don’t understand what’s taking you so long nothing has happened to you that hasn’t happened to everyone else. Get over it & get a job-you will Feel much better.” I have come to realize its no wonder I could live w/my so called “husband & his secret life for 39 yrs” (he revealed@ 36yrs in) because I had essentiely been living it for a lifetime (familiarity & patterns).Most is well with my soul these days because I no longer accept nor validate the Insanity. I VALIDATE MYSELF through the God who knows me and the incredibley STRONG Persons who have journeyed thru these nightmares and Thrive to be able to pass it on and help others to understand They R Real, Their Love was Real and Their Integrity is Real and STILL Intact!! The best thing to come thru this with–I HAVE A SOUL WHO IS/WAS IMCAPABLE OF EVIL!!!!


    • I was seperated from my husband to take care of my father who was home on hospice. It was then that I was fully able to realize the enormous issues that plagued my life.
      I did not go back to the “marriage”. I am, and have been in counseling for years.
      It has been hard because as a Christian I don’t believe in divorce but staying I would end up hospitalized for pyshicatric care. I don’t believe that’s God’s plan for my life…


  15. Thank you for this article.
    I would like to point out the “i love you” does not have to be words. It can just be an assumption
    – That your mother cares about your welfare
    – That your work colleague respects your space
    – That your father would do anything to protect you
    – That your brother would wish you well
    – That your employer would want to see you remunerated for your labour
    – That your landlord cares about your living quarters like you care about rent.

    …. and then shock after shock after shock.. … that all these things are not true.

    And you are falling and falling and falling and never reaching the bottom.

    That these were just false relationships. Your mother was never really motherly
    nor cared anything about your needs. That in fact your own mother had been working and working over drive AGAINST you.
    All along as you did your best “for them” only the them were never there.
    Just an illusion. A mind boggling movie that took your resources, time, attention and mental energy.

    Letting go of this cloud of darkness that had come from the skies is a massive, psychologically draining exercise….

    But through therapy. Through these kinds of forums.

    We can finally see the light. And the truth.
    Of many people. People who pretended to love us. While in reality they did not.

    Once again very many thanks yous.


  16. Thank you very much.


  17. You have explained my situation quite well. I even have a child with a woman I do not know!
    My family was a godamn fantasy and I have lived in some fairy land of mental illness.
    May be now am healing. Thank you.


  18. Good article.


  19. Thank you so much for this post. I read it over and over again in order to finally have some clarity about my abuse. I see the steps to recovery and I would like to make them mine. It is so hard to keep narcs out of my thoughts. I have sought and sought for so many years what was wrong with me. And guess what, there is nothing wrong with me. I am a lovely,thoughtful, kind person. I want to embrace the real me, not who I was told to be.


  20. ~^.^~

    Hi Everyone ~

    I am wondering ~
    If anyone ever told you ~
    That before we come to Earth ~
    Our Souls ~
    Have an sort of an agreement ~
    or an sacred contract ~
    That everyone is born ~
    a certain way ~
    There are some children called ~
    The Wounded Child ~
    These children are born to be ~
    abused ~ even killed ~
    That they pick there own parents ~
    When I first heard of this ~
    I cried ~
    I told them I do not believe this ~
    The other day ~
    Some explained more of this to me ~


    Sacred Contracts
    The Archetypal Wheel
    Your Chart of Origin
    Casting your Chart
    Casting a Working Chart
    Back to Library

    I wanted to share this with you ~

    We were all born a special way ~
    It may be the reason ~
    We married an abuser ~

    I will never forgive my ex ~
    For what he did to my kids ~
    What he did to me ~
    How he almost ~
    destroyed my family ~

    I will never forgive ~
    the Spiritual Vampire ~
    He hurt me more ~
    then my Ex did it ~
    It was harder to get over him ~

    * I will always have my triggers ~
    I wanted to get rid of ~
    What happens to me ~
    When I hear a certain ~
    tone of voice ~
    Some one being ~
    Condescending to me ~

    I know now ~
    that person should not ~
    be in my life ~

    *Except when it is family ~
    I know they love me ~
    I know they will never ~
    understand what I went thru ~

    Some of it I do not understand ~
    Some I will never get over it ~
    I know I was changed forever ~
    because of my ex ~
    because of the Spiritual Vampier ~

    I have to think this way ~

    We all come to earth~
    As babies ~
    Just to survive ~
    Any way we can ~
    And to learn life lessons ~
    I had some twisted teachers ~
    who taught me ~
    My life lessons ~
    I must always ~
    remember the lesson ~
    One day I hope ~
    I will forget the teachers ~
    who taught me ~
    those hard life lessons ~

    I am who I am ~
    because of them ~
    I survived living with ~
    an sociopath ~
    He tried to kill me ~
    I am still alive ~
    I am no longer ~
    Enchained by him ~

    I survived being with ~
    an Spiritual Vampier ~
    I could of died ~
    the night ~
    He told he would ~
    awaken Me ~

    * My ex’s voice ~
    helped me finally ~
    see under the ~
    Spiritual Vampires ~
    Mask ~
    I am no longer enchained~
    by him ~

    My Son loves me ~
    He protects me ~
    He understands ~
    My intuitive gifts ~

    I know my daughter ~
    does love me ~
    in her certain way ~

    I must be getting stronger ~
    or I would not be able ~
    to write on this page today ~

    I was told by ~
    Empathic women ~
    I don’t need to be ~
    validated by others ~
    All the answers are inside of me ~
    I am not sure ~
    If anyone can understand ~
    Why I doubt my own mind ~
    Why I am afraid to make an mistake ~
    Why I never want to go back to court again ~
    Why I did not know what a ~
    real guy was ~
    Why this guy in my life now ~
    Said to me ~
    I don’t want you that way ~
    I respect you ~
    He wants me to be sober ~
    before we have sex ~
    I want the to have ~
    fun with him ~
    for a weekend ~
    I not sure ~
    I can have ~
    Have sex with him sober ~
    I have had a dream ~
    that the second we had sex ~
    I was sober ~
    I knew he loved me ~
    I knew he loves me too ~
    My daughter would ~
    one day be able ~
    to give me a hug ~
    Will say to me ~
    I love you Mom ~

    ~^.^ ~

    Why I want to a guy as a friend first ~
    before I slept with him ~
    Why I never had sex sober ~
    Why I never felt ~
    it was wrong ~
    That I was always drunk ~
    when I had sex ~
    I don't want to think ~
    I was raped ~
    All my life ~
    every time I had sex ~
    without being sober ~
    Or giving my consent ~
    I never ever seen ~
    on T.V. or in ~
    the Movies ~
    A women telling a guy ~
    I give my consent ~
    before they have sex
    or read in any books ~
    Why I never gave all of me ~
    to any guy ~
    My Love ~My mind ~my body ~
    My Love ~My Heart ~ My Body ~My Soul ~

    I wish my Dreams will come true ~



  21. Hi everyone ~
    I didn’t realized until~
    I read your post today~
    That some of the thoughts~
    In My mind ~
    Or why I act a certain way ~
    Is because what I ~
    experienced with ~
    My Ex husband ~
    The Court System ~
    The Spiritual Vampier~
    I was with ~
    I cried so much ~
    when I found out ~
    three months ago~
    when my own ~
    daughter ~
    was so upset with me~
    She said ~ In the car~
    while I was driving ~
    She wished I was dead ~
    She kept on saying it~
    this time I lost it~
    I told her ~
    that her dad ~
    tried to kill me one night~
    I was in shock ~
    when she said to me~
    She wished that her ~
    dad had killed me~
    I could not believe~
    that she said that to me~
    how could my own child~
    Say that to me ~
    After she went back~
    to her place in AZ ~
    I found out only ~
    Four weeks ago~
    That there were ~
    other meanings ~
    for the word ~
    Sexual Abuse ~
    I also found out~
    I was groomed ~
    by the Spiritual Vampier~
    I also found out~
    how he got inside ~
    my mind so fast ~
    I did not know~
    He read my eyes~
    The moment he meant me~
    I now know ~
    that he copied my ~
    heart beat rhythm ~
    To get inside of my mind~
    later he got into my body ~

    I get upset ~
    when other say to me~
    My kids were born to be~
    abused by there dad ~
    and When they say ~
    it is all my fault ~
    what my ex did to my kids ~
    and me ~

    Thank you for letting ~
    me share a little about ~
    my life with all of you~



  22. For years living in a bad relationship, not knowing what was really wrong and often having this little sad, niggling feeling like something is just not quite right…. I would try to please… to do better after another round of his shouting, screaming, raging over trivia. I was working a full time job…. all the money earned to be handled by him… an allowance doled out for groceries…. 4 children to care for as well.

    Years pass…. children grown and on their own…. his behavior hasn’t changed…. behind closed doors the same rage and bad behavior…. should someone stop in … he’s Mr. Nice Guy!

    Started a bank account for myself…. courageously begin to walk away from his tantrums and keeping busy…. friends… garden club long dog walks.

    Last episode of rage Feb. 11/15 than silence…. will not speak… thinks he’s punishing me perhaps… for what I know not. Not a pleasant situation… do not feel broken.. Feel pity for him and do not pursue contact with him. Wants to act crazy… then be crazy by himself.

    We are seniors. Is this narcissism leading to dementia?



  23. Reblogged this on johnxw5.


  24. I read many posts about Narcissism because I am still reeling from the effects of one. I have never read any posts that speak about how they manage to change our personality. I found myself saying things just to evoke a response, trying to find just a hint of real emotion in this person who had said they loved me. More often than not the response I would get would be a smile and the words”I’m (insert name here) and I am perfect. This would drive me to further provocation. By the end of the relationship, I didn’t recognize myself. I had become a person who would call relentlessly to try a break the wall of silence, I would say mean things to try and see a glimmer of human emotion and worst of all I found myself shouldering the blame for his lying and cheating. Even now when I have moments when I think back I have to remind myself that it all began with a lie. It was all a lie. It was never true. He left when I was in the middle of chemotherapy and as difficult as the cancer treatment was nothing has ever been more challenging and difficult than getting over this person who lead me down this path of personality destruction with three simple words…I love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Reblogged this on It won't always be bad… and commented:
    thank you for this 🙂


  26. I don’t even know what to say, except the identification with what you wrote is both comforting and so very heartbreaking, the reality of this truth hit me. I am out of the relationship after 11 years of very very extreme confusion. So much hurt.

    I am beginning to rebuilding my soul and I will never go back to him again

    Thank you for the insight and the truth of what I have experienced.



  27. This post covers the effects so well.

    This statement here, quoting you:
    “It is so mentally debilitating that the normal reality of everyday life is so distorted that it basically halts for the target/victim.”

    I kinda wanna say, “UGH, you have no idea. But clearly you do. lol. This sentence says so much and explains the feeling so well when it’s all still so fresh and raw.

    And this:
    “Let’s also NEVER forget children of Narcissistic parents that have lived their total life being devalued and groomed to accept abuse from every relationship. They have been traumatized their whole life and need to have these messages purged out of their head and reprogramed to see the reality of the goodness that does exist.”

    I don’t have much to add to this one either. I just wanted to highlight these two parts of your article because they really stood out for me since I can relate so well to both parts of this equation.

    Liked by 1 person

    • This made me cry as I read it, because I had a sudden epiphany that it’s the reason why my mother hates my boyfriend and my best friend, and both of my brother’s wives. They all show that caring and goodness exist and it threatens to shatter the world she raised us in. Of course it is all about her! To this day, she still tries to rip apart any happiness that any of us feel. Any compliments are backhanded and usually dripping with venom. I knew she was a vindictive narcissist but I really had no idea the extent of the impact on me until this moment.


  28. Greg, totally agree, move on son, put it behind you, why did you put up with that, all comments that ”meant well” but without the understanding or required empathic support….. great article.

    I sought a therapists help 3 days after she left this time, for the 3rd time after 6 years of our total time together (nearly 5 months ago) because I just said there was no way I was taking her back this time… I’m so glad I did, heard words like narcissist, sociopath, borderline from friends, I knew the words didn’t sound good but didn’t really have a clue what they meant, read loads, written loads, and now understand loads more and although I’m still ”recovering” I’m a pretty far way down the road just by learning about it, actually gave my therapist work I had done 6 weeks after the 2nd visit in 2 weeks at the beginning which was my last, and she asked if she could use the process I had used for others she was helping. That made me feel really good and the actual shock of finding out and reading what I did seemed really worth it, and the fact that it could help others potentially made me feel quite proud. In a loose non-professional sort of way and with less detail than the article above it had the same base message. So once again I feel validated and another step forward has now been taken, my therapist even suggested I was in the wrong job… and should be doing hers… I took that as a compliment.. your process above is just about spot on for me….. well done great piece of work


  29. Reblogged this on AFruitFli's Blog and commented:
    Emotional Words “I love you”…


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