Why Are Narcissists Are So Dangerous?

As you’ll read below, every survivor describes narcissists in DANGEROUS terms. Each person that’s been victimized personally by a narcissist will warn you and serve as a cautionary tale that if you welcome a narcissist into your life, you’re dancing with the devil; welcoming them in to do one thing and one thing only to you: use, abuse and destroy you.

Many onlookers or those who haven’t experienced the narcissist in an unmasked state have a hard time believing that the people we describe and the horrendous acts of abuse committed on us were done by the very people they have a different opinion of. They don’t understand the disordered’s modus operandi. They don’t understand that their belief that the narcissist is a “likeable or admirable” character is evidence that the danger has already started, they’re manipulated by the narcissist’s “mask” and they’re in complete denial of reality.

There are two main traits of a narcissist that most all other symptomology stems from:  Delusional reality and lack of empathy.


The first reason a narcissist is dangerous to others is because they are in complete denial of reality.

Here are a few of the delusions that are always present in a narcissist’s psyche:

Delusion of Grandeur – This denial of reality comes in the form of the narcissist having the belief about themselves that they just deserve more. They’re larger than life, a celebrity in their own minds, entitled to take from people without having to give anything back. Statements that reflect delusions of grandeur go something like this “Don’t you know who I am?” “I had to wait in line for an hour!” “I wont be spending MY money here again, if this is the service I get”.

According to the DSM-IV TR  grandiose-type symptoms include grossly exaggerated beliefs of ones own:

  • self-worth
  • power
  • knowledge
  • identity
  • exceptional relationship to a divinity or famous person.

Perfect Image – Anyone who thinks that perfection is obtainable and struggles to feel ‘worthy’ without achieving perfection is not in touch with reality. Reality dictates that we are fallable. We make mistakes, we fail, we fumble, we screw up; this is a fact of life, nature, the universe. For the narcissist, they possess the delusion that if they or the people around them achieve an image of being “perfect” that they will finally feel “ok”. They’re striving for something outside of themselves to feel good inside; this will NEVER happen.

Entitlement – Others exist to serve them – Narcissists hold the delusional thought that other human beings are objects that only exist to serve their needs. They view others in an inhumane way which allows them to act out on us with no empathy because they don’t believe we have rights of our own that the narcissist needs to pay any attention to. This complete and utter disregard for the rights of others, stems from their delusional thoughts that only ONE person benefits (wins) and that is the narcissist themselves. Narcissists view that everyone “owes” them is not in any way, shape, and/or form “realistic”.

Boundaries don’t exist –    Not being aware of the boundaries that exist between two people is a denial of reality. The reality is that two people have separate identities, with separate thoughts, feelings, motivations, dreams, ideas, goals and rights. When a narcissist treats others as if they have the right to order, control, push and dictate another’s behavior (even if it’s manipulatively disguised as “helpful advice”), they are more driven by their desire for power than they are the right of the person they’re controlling to think, feel or act for themselves and are blinded from reality by that desire for power.

Non-Identity = Non-Accountability – Because a narcissist has a flexible, chameleon like identity, they have no solid foundation of self other than being that of a manipulative, changing being. They have no sense of self from which certain expectations and rules of conduct will flow. Their modus operandi is “whatever works”.  Since they hold no code of ethics, their behaviors are categorized to them as either effective or non effective. Effective behaviors will be repeated regardless of the “consequences” to others. Since a narcissist has no boundaries, they don’t see the impact to others, because they don’t see them as “others”.

A narcissist’s construct literally goes like this:

Narcissist pounds your thumb with a hammer.

You scream in pain and yell, “what did you do that for!!??”

A narcissist will be able to say, “Do What??!!” Believing they did NOTHING, because they didn’t feel any pain whatsoever in their thumb.

If you insist on getting the narcissist to see the error of this whacky exchange, you will be told, “Well, you shouldn’t have had your hand on the table.”

The subject will be dropped and you will spend your time feeling bewildered and perplexed by the insanity of all, until it happens again, then you’ll focus on that atrocity and won’t be able to see that this has been the pattern all along.

Narcissists are in charge of reality – Power mongers. Control freaks who can’t recognize boundaries are the only people who can possibly believe that what they think is the reality for EVERYONE. It becomes very apparent that a narcissist believes themselves to be all knowing when they’re insistent that they know what you think, what you are really saying, who you really are or what your motivation really is.  Their entitlement and lack of boundaries allows them to play God; they’re the writers of the script, the great puppeteers, the all knowing Wizard of Oz.

Worn down targets find it easier to just roll over and fold. We realize the narcissist’s ability to argue and fight surpasses our own, we aren’t interested in winning just being heard, but there comes a point where it’s just too exhausting to take the narcissist to task on these frequent power plays.

Most realistic people have an awareness of when they’re acting in a manipulative or coercive manner and feel a sense of responsibility to back off, not cross that line or not offer unsolicited advice or opinions. We respect the boundaries of others, because we are aware they exist. Narcissists have NO CONCEPT of these lines and what constitutes obtrusive behavior.

Rapists, child molesters, robbers and murderers have the same inhumane view of people, viewing them as objects to exploit at will and have no concept that it is wrong to violate or cross the demarcation lines of another’s property, being or identity.

We as an enlightened society, KNOW that these types of people are dangerous and frankly would be quite relieved committing these people to institutions so that they can’t harm society in these atrocious ways again.  If you can understand this danger, then you can understand why former victims of narcissists view them with the same passionate concern for safety of themselves and others.


Its my personal opinion that empathy is the one quality that makes all of us true human beings. The ability to have a compassion for our fellow man that causes us to behave in ways that do no harm to them is a powerfully connecting emotion. Empathy is having the ability to step into another’s experience, set yourself aside & allows you to honor anothers’ feelings and needs in a way that enriches and edifies them. We need each other to respond in empathetic ways to our pain, journey, and joys through life; it connects us.

One of the key presenting traits of narcissists is their utter incapability to empathize. When you see a pattern of human cruelty that the narcissist commits on their loved ones or affiliates, you will see the lack of empathy present in various ways:

Ignoring requests to cease behavior (like cheating , stealing, lying, etc.)
Name calling, criticizing, belittling, mean “jokes”, jabs and put downs (verbal abuse)
Serial cheating

Arguments surrounding the same issues over and over

Turning around the partners concerns to blame them and block the conversation

A frustrated partner who doesn’t feel “heard”, listened to, understood

No closure – no apologies, no accountability, no consequences, no change
A partner who suffers the consequences of the narcissist’s repetitive pattern of poor / destructive choices

The bottom line to all these behaviors?


This bears repeating.


Narcissists are capable of inflicting physical and psychological harm on others and are unmoved by the plight of those they hurt.

If you are trying to analyze a narcissist’s behavior and hear yourself saying, “But they SHOULD…” STOP RIGHT THERE. Whether or not a narcissist “should” care, is irrelevant because it was built into them a very very long time ago, that they CAN’T CARE. They don’t have the built in capacity to care: they lack EMPATHY.

When we’re discussing the insidious subtext to a narcissist’s dangerous behavior, let’s remember that on the SURFACE, the narcissist is still pretending, charming, conning, manipulating, giving you some bones, – whatever behaviors work to get you to continue to stick around even though the narcissist doesn’t care and KNOWS THEY DON’T truly “care” will be the tools they use again and again to keep you around.


This is what narcissistic survivors go through. At every moment, there are two relationships occurring that is just out of the conscious awareness of targets:   The “pretend” relationship where the narcissist uses words not actions to convince you that what you have is a loving relationship, you’re on the same page, your future is looking bright….IF you could stop being imperfect, and doing the things the narcissist is actually doing to prevent the relationship from working. (Translation: if you can just be the constant receptacle of the negative traits the narcissist discharges on you and never ask for anything for yourself and don’t question the twisted reality you live in, then things will work out and you’ll get a version of what you want: “their love” – however conditional it is; and it is) This smoke and mirrors relationship is the one where the “talk” is that the narcissist cares about you. It’s the reality we try to live in, because the other is just too painful to bear.

The other relationship is the REAL ONE: the constant barrage of twisted head games, the layers and levels of abuse, the syphoning off of your soul and life force, the betrayals going on behind your back, the manipulation, the control, the shaming and blame, the threats, the word salads, the lies.  This is the relationship that is evident in BEHAVIOR that the narcissist truly does not care.  While we’re in it, we keep this reality at arm’s length.

The general populous will feel fear when a serial killer’s m.o. is displayed on nightly television. They’ll see the lack of empathy quite clearly and realize that there is something seriously wrong with those people and be aghast over how heartless someone can behave towards another human being.

Targets live this reality up close and personal every single day. We see the danger firsthand, we live it.

We don’t suddenly wake up one day and say, “You know, Im going to be a zealot about narcissism. I want to pick on these lovely people because I’m mad at them.

If someone is selling themselves this delusional bit of goods, they are surely held captive by the narcissists delusions. We are zealous about getting the word out there about this disorder and this abuse because we’ve all been burnt by the danger of a narcissist’s disorder.

Not just “touched” with a match slightly burnt but our houses, our lives, our souls, our identities, our relationships, our values, our trust, our world views have been torched to the ground in an aggressive act of intentional arson.

Although we are the star and credible witness to this crime and have the information that will put this criminal away for years so that someone else doesn’t suffer the same atrocity, no one believes it or cares enough that they step in to listen or help us.

Since we cannot hold a narcissist accountable, we can make good use of our effort to enlighten and educate others who are vulnerable to this abuse and be the support to other targets whose abuse has been ignored and invalidated by others who have a problem recognizing their danger.lets erase narcissism

It’s been said that more is learned about the narcissist through what their former targets have to say about them than anything they could say about themselves:

Christine: unrealistic sense of entitlement very high ego superficial and vein no conscience no empathy no sense of boundaries no guilt no remorse : terrible evil sick twisted fucked up monsters, rude and very arrogant not human.starts smears campaigns and spreads lies and half truths behind their victims back and all those who stand in the way of their evil plans. the narc/sociopath prince/princess.

Suzanna: Their ability to appear to others as the epitome of charm, love, and compassion, and only their victims see the real side to them.

Hula: The Devil.

Lynne: They will do whatever it takes to get what they want. If they don’t achieve it, they will destroy everything in their path, even children and family. They reinvent history to suit their needs and destroy decent people.

Kaye:  Cunning, insidious, remorseless, selfish, abusive, liar, phoney, taker, manipulator, entitled, deranged, attention seeking,

Doug: Insecure and filled with pain.

Ellen: Unconcerned about his trail of emotional wreckage,totally self-absorbed with his own gratification, clueless and dismissive as to the after-effects on those he discards

How Lynne:  Empty – they are empty bags of misery to themselves and those around them. You can spend a life trying to fill them and enough love and patience simply does not exist. They drag those around them into their own private abyss and swear that darkness isn’t dark.

Marinky:  Toxic, everything he/she touches is destroyed, lack of remorse, lack of responsibility, double even triple personalities, pathological liar, manipulative and controlling, lack of boundaries and empathy, too much self-absorbed and self-entitlement, backstabber, gossiper.

Holly: They believe their own lies. That makes them very believable to others.

Jean: I trusted. I believed the charm. I was raised to be a perfect victim. My soul was murdered. Manipulation, lies, greed etc all takes a toll.

Heidi:   They are dangerous because of the MASK they wear – their charm hides it so well leaving you stunned and immobile once he removes it and you see the true person…you can’t tell a narc from a decent human while wearing it….very dangerous:(

Marilyn: Predatorial. Interpersonally exploitive. They aren’t the scary boogie man in the bush. They are in your BED!! They bait the trap with LOVE. They use “happily ever after” to draw you into striking distance.
They have NO compunction….there is NOTHING they won’t say….NOTHING they won’t do to GET what they crave. They will fake cancer, euthanize pets. put arsenic in your morning coffee and kiss you and tell you they love you as they watch you drink it.

You’d expect such treachery from an enemy….not a lover. The cognitive dissonance of the cocktail of love and loathing makes you bleed out your ears from trying to figure out what’s happening to you.

I used to know a little developmentally disabled girl. She used look at you with beautiful pleading blue eyes….reach her arms out to you for a hug….her face would get sweet like puss n boots in a scene from SHREK. It was almost impossible to say no. …how could you say no?
Many hugged her unawares…..only to find themselves suddenly locked in the grip of her atsoundingly powerful arms with her sharp teeth buried deep in the flesh of their shoulder.
That’s what a narc does…draws you in as you expect something wonderful and loving only to be blindsided by a bewildering attack.  ROMANTIC AMBUSH!!

Gosselin: Selfish, egotistical, evil, cruel, lying, abusive, tyrant!
Misa:  insane

Dorie: Sneaky and calculating

Aire: That they can seem very emotional but they can only feel empathy with themselves. Or someone distant they are talking about. Sometimes they can seem to show support but only cause they Will need that person later on or wants to build up a good reputation as the “sweetest person in the world”.. When it really matters they can be cruel, so cruel you wouldn’t believe it when it happens.

Judith: predatory, vicous, narcissistic, bloodless … Boneless, void of any soul – the Antichrist of all Demons

Lori:  pure evil
Megs:  Compulsive liar and a thief
Kim: Relentless.
Cinnamon:  STAY~CLEAR!!! “IT” only gets “WORSE”!!!……………..4 “YOU”!!!~~~
Diana:  Demon possessed scumbags.
Cathy:  Self-absorbed
Lola:  Mental abusers

Shawna: ALIEN!

Chris:   Zero Insight Zero Empathy, not a good combo

Rowena:  Con artists x
Susan:  Raging monster!
Carl:  Credible, plausable, manipulative and to top it all off superficially friendly, calm and decent. That makes them always look like the innocent party and their victim as whatever they want to paint them out to be… until the mask comes off and then wait for the “I’m so sorry we doubted you, we never guessed s/he could be like that” from those that initially thought you were just slagging him/her off or exagerrating. The true enablers will simply refuse to see the truth in front of them though no matter what, because they WANT to believe in the narcissist.
Debbi:  evil
Jacky: Diabolical predators!

Stephanie:  Pathological liars, victims themselves, hollow eyed monsters, arrogant, bore easily, always doing something radical (buying selling crap, change of jobs), always find negative in everybody, backstabbers, suck in bed, feel they earned the sense of entitlement to treat partners, kids, friends etc. poorly, only think of themselves, will never admit their wrong, try to isolate you, turn you away from your friends/family, controlling, weak, and again pathological liars. It’s kind of fun going to Facebook pages because they’re easy to identify – pictures of themselves always posing, doing something exciting, rarely comment on other’s post unless it’s sarcastic or over the top intellectual and basically attention grabbing. They are hyenas because they are the most toxic animal on the face of the planet. Toxic because they are fakes, people don’t see their true colors until they are eaten alive.

Susan:  Pathological Planners with Destructive Intent
Chelsea:  If you ever engage in an argument with them make sure it’s in a safe place to do so. Like around others who will rally with you and not against you.

Posted on November 30, 2014, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 55 Comments.

  1. I googled this site to help me understand my narcissistic sister, I have finally come to the decision to end our relationship. Everything I read hear today is so true. .Sad but all true. Thank you for confirming a Narcissist’s personality traits


  2. I was my boyfriends “target” for 11 years… I was in LOVE..(maybe I still am?)… he was perfect…
    he lied to me, beat me, broke bones, cheated on me, belittled me..every day..
    All the while, telling me he loved me and if I could just work out my issues we could be together forever…and why wouldn’t I want that?..,someone as ugly, dumb, slutty, poor as me could never find someone as wealthy, good looking, all around “nice” as him, ever again, he said.
    I should seek counseling to try to be good enough for him. Everyone sees how good he is to me…and they all feel sorry for him for putting up with his crazy girlfriend. He says.

    I have no idea of all the lies he told everyone about me…but what’s sad, is I began to believe them too.

    He broke up with me yesterday.
    Because I just had major surgery…and Im “incapable of showing him the love he deserves” as I was recovering.

    I stumbled across this site…
    And I am sick to my stomach reading these stories. So very … just… No words.

    Liked by 2 people

    • gratefulgirlck

      We must be sister, my Husband of 16 years continued his abusive, narcissist, games, I got cancer and I survived. The physical and mental abuse from him got even worse. I was and still think ( how dare him- double Dog. Nasty person anyone , especially because he loved me , abuse a Cancer Survivor ! this even got even worse from him, I had Cancer) He got so Angry that I lived. Now he has to go through such a Nasty Divorce, explain this to the Judge, and I will tell anyone and everyone. I AM A WARRIOR SURVIVOR! All he ever said was for Me to stop playing a Victim!


    • Just wanted to let u know. I hurt like I have never hurt before. Im not some, as people say, “wussy!”. I get sick to my stomach almost daily. Like u said we will never know the full story. She continues to attack myself and our young children. My whole beautiful marriage gone in 24 hours. I sit here and think if someone has no empathy, then when do they hit bottom and know when to stop. I wish u the best of luck going through the healing process. 🙂


  3. Narcissists are the twilight zone aliens from to serve man episode. You don’t know its a cookbook to your soul until you board their alien ship. Awful alien lying bags of stink who just don’t tell you what they really are doing – you have to decode it. Their abuse goes on well past no contact period – by proxy due to “good” neutral people who believe their lies because narcissist can put on a show and my truth seems far fetched . No one is that heartless callous or cruel.


  4. CarolinaP Fan

    Hi, I need some advice!!!! My good friend’s husband is a malignant narcissist. Nothing I mean nothing is ever his fault!!! Except he manages to destroy other peoples lives, businesses, marriages, he goes after single and married women while he is currently married!!!!!! He lies to clients, creditors, friends, family. He uses everyone else, especially $$$. He doesn’t care if the blows through $100k in a month or two. His attitude is do whatever whenever to whomever as long as he comes out ahead somehow. But, the reality is he always will be behind and taking everyone else down the crapper shoot with him. He lies to all business partners and uses all their money and then will just up and leave the business after he frigging destroys it or causes people to go bankrupt or insane. He blames younger women for being stupid enough to fall for his lines of crap, he blames my good friend for being so pathetic to put up with him, he blames his parents for not giving him everything under the sun. He makes fun of everyone. Everyone is useless, worthless, dumb, naïve, too big, too small, makes fun of their vehicles, houses, cars, clothes, teeth, hair, weight, education levels. He will piss people off and laugh right in their faces. She is going to lose her mind, her finances, her everything if she keeps listening to all his crap. My question is things are already starting to catch up to Mr. Above it All, but why is she choosing to tolerate it? He is such a smooth talker and so good at spin doctoring everything he would even have Satan questioning himself. He has managed to destroy a couple businesses the past few years, a couple marriages, a few clients lives, a few young gals lives, if dealing with someone with a personality disorder that doesn’t give a crap about anyone other than numero uno how does anything ever sink in or effect them? Any advice on this? Please!


  5. ” MY SUGGESTION IS” From Abuser
    DON’T Fall for this one either !


  6. CAUSTIC, POISONOUS and TOXIC, is how they become when the target is on to them. Thats what he became when I told him I knew he was lying and cheating on me and that we should talk and an apology would be a start. Then he went into some twisted tirade not even related to his lies and betrayals over the past YEAR! I told him Since he didnt have the capacity to be accountable, I never wanted to see him again. THEN, It got really ugly and in the email he called me poisonous and that my “complaints” were like being continously beat over the head with a 2×4! Wtf ? The last thing he said was for me to not send another poisonous email. Omg. INSANITY. I bit the bullet and moved on but it was difficult. He really messed me up. His life is an ongoing lie. And he irony of it is that He Is a Drug Rehab Counselor. not a whisper of empathy. zero. OMG!!!(BEWARE of ERIC ROSENDAHL!)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Reading these things really gives me the chills. I wish someone could give me some direction to go for help. My soon to be ex wife fits all these signs and it give me the chills reading this. She had to know she has some form of narcissistic personality disorder because I found some stuff she wrote. She has no empathy, she is evil and is destroying our two young boys that have beautiful hearts. 6 and 7. I need help bad. She planned things that has destroyed our marriage and she doesn’t even flinch. Just gone and I don’t even know her. Please for my kids.

    Liked by 3 people

    • RUN! Gotta get away from her. She will poison the kids. Divorce her, get the kids away from her asap. !! If you want your kids to have normal loving relationships later in life, DO IT NOW!! Do what you have within your power to do and do it asap. The longer the kids are exposed to her the more they will learn to become just like her.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I have been in a LONG 7 year on again off again relationship with a sick Narcissists man. This time when he left, he only put water in my gas tank. And left me in debt up to my eye balls. I got off easy this time. He’s the devil.

    Liked by 4 people

  9. i thought i could tell them right away.no way they think they are so clever.yet,they get found out every time.and i run.karen

    Liked by 2 people

  10. All true. My ex kept me spinning & apologising for too long. I was dropped like a hot brick if he felt like it, often preceded by a long silence. He never dropped me face to face which is cowardly. Yet he wanted to be admired for his integrity and so on.
    He quickly hoovered me up, whilst I was still upset after the sudden discards, twice this happened with no conversation other than ‘well if we can’t move past that…..’
    The final discard was horrendous, I was humiliated, verbally abused and emotionally raped.
    He was with his new victim very soon afterward. There was no phone call zero discard just a rage.
    Currently he is back to me as if I have forgotten his behaviour or am being petty by ignoring him. He went from sweet to accusational in the space of 3 emails. It’s as though I’m expected to respond kindly to him and not mention his rage.
    It’s very very frightening even from this distance and given that I’ve researched his personality I can see confronting him would result badlylooking back i reinterpret his odd comments as his actual beliefs. He once mentioned that he didn’t trust women because it would give them the power. Listen very carefully to your Gorgous new boyfriend and ask questions early on before you let them exert fear into your life.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Just minutes ago I had an epiphany many years in the making about people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In past, I had two or three love interests with NPD, a recent NPD girlfriend, a narc therapist, and a buddy of 23 years who had NPD or close.

    But the epiphany involved the recent (ex) girlfriend. (I am working on my BPD – aren’t we all working on something?) – truth be told. Anyways, we had a big dramatic breakup almost 2 years ago. I have been no contact since, but we used to both be teachers at same school until I transferred out – thank God.

    I am a photographer too and had many portrait sessions with ex narcissistic girlfriend in beautiful nature settings when we dated. I spent this summer vacation in the darkroom printing up her and her friend’s films as a goodbye present since I knew I would not see her again after my transfer – and I still loved her. These are some really nice professional photos any woman would love to have of herself.

    But something told me to check how she would receive them. Don’t assume. I consulted the Tarot (an avenue I do not like to take as I prefer to receive insights through meditation and dreams etc) Over and over the Tarot warned me of the same thing – I was shocked to see that instead of this beautiful portfolio of photographs being received from a place of unconditional love in which I intended, she would call the authorities or somehow get the police or authorities involved. I totally did not expect this so I consulted a few times using different sources and got the same warning.

    I had experienced painfully this type of behavior from another narcissistic love interest 16 years ago, otherwise I would not have believed what the cards told me was possible in this world. I now realize love does not exist for narcissists. They have decided that they “will not love to the bitter end”.

    I can now see her without her mask (and what I see is very sad). I can’t believe I would let such a person in my bed, let alone my heart.I feel lighter and happier now. As an aside, My trusted spiritual advisor warned me that she was a cruel cold hearted human being, but it did not register until moments ago.

    I am going to use the portfolio instead to promote my photography business/passion. I do not deserve to be hurt by this woman anymore.


  12. All about them, twisted minds,no one is good enough,childish behaviour, plays jealousy games, puts you down,blames everyone else for everything, has,no interest in how you are feeling, whether its physical or emotional,never apologizes,has an attitude of i owe you nothing. Thinks they are above the law, no one else can measure up to him and women are to be used for his pleasure, hes a liar and a cheat, yet at the same time he is very insecure.street thug attitude, his loving making is just a form of masturbation doesnt care who he has sex with, there is no intamacy he collects people for his supply and cares for none of them,because he cant, as long as he is pleased..lets on he is happy go lucky but he is phoney agressive and abusive he has no heart hes shallow and pathetic …i believe they are SATAN.

    Liked by 4 people

  13. 14 yrs divorced and my ex husband continues his quest to destroy me. I do not understand why he has targeted me as the object of his frustration, I’ve done nothing wrong. I dont know how much more of this I can take. His anger escalates each time he takes his own “guilt” out on me. He broke my neck already, police did nothing because he is a hometown boy and knows all of them. Im quite certain i will end up in a body bag next time.


  14. Trauma – shock – disbelief – Valium after Rage 3
    Escaped quietly without arousing any suspicion.
    Visited my Doctor in a mess who asked me “what on earth has happened”
    I couldn’t explain other than I felt raped, exploited & a used so I just said ” I can’t explain”.
    Took the Valium and felt frightened for months. Still do, began reading a lot – I’m still reading as it was surreal. I frightened myself as I dated this charmer.
    Found the book, released he wouldn’t apologise ever, as he said when I asked him what was wrong it was a throw away comment I made a month prior so his behaviour was my fault.
    Worked out I’d been sleeping with a psychopath, questioned myself & took the knock.
    Blocked him as he was interrupting my recovery process. New phone etc.
    then he found a new way to contact, he can only communicate via a 2D format, he never called me directly – coward. I’m using the grey rock now to bounce the kindly little messages back. He has a girlfriend which I’m not supposed to know about.
    I know his grooming techniques and feel much more secure in evading capture.
    Never confront them, never show joy in front of them and if all of their fake friends like you they will NOT be happy with that.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. They will consume you emotionally, withhold love and affection to argue about something totally unrelated to [the] relationship just to feel power. All the causes that they chase are merely window dressing to hide their true nature. Nothing is enough to fill their void-of-a-soul—no matter how many churches they “join”.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Susan, I began going to church regularly first time in my life recently at age 48 and could not believe the concentration of people with narcissistic personality disorder there!

      It is like a straight man having to dodge all the gay men at the local sauna just to get health benefits of the sauna heat.

      Liked by 2 people

    • I know this so well. My N pulled away all forms of affection, causing me to fell empty, unloved and isolated. He would get so enraged if I mentioned/tried to have a conversation about the confusion. Blaming me for being ‘sex-crazed’. Another form of control and abuse.


  16. How do you recover from a narcissistic father. Loud and over bearing – his voice is in my head and still has the power to scare the crap out of me. I can’t get over how mean he was to us especially me.


  17. My N would do a lot of belittling, such as calling me ‘shrimp’. I am small ad asked him not to call me that again, yet he kept teasing me with it, so called ‘lovingly. It unsetteled me. I know it sounds like a detail but when i would not get or misunderstand what he said, he would sometimes say, don’t be so ridiculous woman, or ‘you idiot’, laughingly. I didn’t ike that ether so i tried a different tactics, saying: if my relatives find you talking to me like that (i hadn’t introduced him yet as he was very wary of the impression he would leave on them), they will not approve. He simply stated: of course i will not talk to you like that in front of others! I’m not an idiot. Indicating that it was alright for him to talk to me like that in private but would not ruin his reputation by doing so in public!


  18. My N who I left after about 6 months (but actually only was with him about 10 times) was CHEAP with money. From the beginning, dates were walks or small pizzas. Money means love to N – so it makes sense that if he didn’t feel love and of course he’s not able to love, he wasn’t going to spend money. My N never tried to sweep me off my feet but definitely took advantage of me – knowing that I liked him.
    I finally realized that when he gave me some dumb excuse about why he couldn’t take me to a movie (FIRST DATE ever after 7 times with him) I realized his response was NOT NORMAL and abusive. On purpose on the phone I said “you hurt me…and I cried” to test his reaction and of course it was not there. I did research and sent him a link to Narcissism which he read but never discussed or refuted with me.
    Sex as another website said was of the android type….he almost perseverated – doing the same motions over and over again and his goal was always to self pleasure. It was 100% off – horrible.
    Yes, there were red flags from the beginning but I ignored them because he came so highly recommended from wonderful people that we both knew. So many lessons learned…made me so much stronger in trusting the reality of what type of man could be out there…Like many responses here, I didn’t know that a N existed as a serious mental disorder.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t think there is anyone worse than a narcissist, but in that same league I would include ‘well-wishers’. In other words, ‘well meaning people’. They may indeed mean well, but their very ‘benignity’ is circumspect and should be taken lightly (if at all). Listen to YOU…and only YOU. Because you know yourself better than anybody.
      And what kind of arrogant person tries to tell you what would be good for you? Simply state, “Thanks, but you don’t really know me…you just think you do.” And go on your merry way.


  19. ~^.^~
    I Am Just Beginning ~
    To Process ~
    My Own Fears ~
    And ~
    My Own Abuse ~
    I Understand ~
    More Then ~
    I Did Before ~
    Part of Me ~
    Wanted to Know ~
    To Understand ~
    My Children ~
    What They Experienced
    Part of Me ~
    Needs to Talk ~
    To Others ~
    Who Have Experienced
    Child Abuse ~
    As a Mom ~
    I Know ~
    I Have to ~
    Wear My Mask Again ~
    Just Burn My Emotions ~
    I Have to ~
    Be Strong For My Kids ~
    Part of Me ~
    Died Last Night ~
    When You Live ~
    Only to Survive ~
    And Protect ~
    Your Family ~
    You Don’t Know ~
    You Had Any ~
    Choice ~
    When You Are ~
    Free And Safe ~
    May Be Now ~
    You Are Able ~
    To Make Choices ~
    May Be Now ~
    You Are Able ~
    To Speak ~
    May Be Now ~
    You Are Able ~
    To Write ~
    May Be Now ~
    You Are Able ~
    To Feel ~
    Emotions ~
    May Be Now ~
    You Are Able
    To Feel ~
    Your Fear ~
    May Be Now ~
    You Are Able ~
    to Process ~
    Everything ~
    This is When ~
    You Need ~
    Someone Kind ~
    To Just Listen ~
    To You Talk ~
    You Need ~
    Someone Kind ~
    To Give You ~
    There Advise ~
    You Need ~
    Someone Kind ~
    To Give You ~
    A Hug ~
    Someone to ~
    Be Your Friend ~
    Someone Kind ~
    To Give You ~
    There Love ~
    You May ~
    Find Out ~
    From People ~
    Who Experienced ~
    Abuse ~
    Why Your ~
    Became Who ~
    They Are Today ~
    Why Your ~
    Children ~
    Behave A ~
    Certain Way ~
    Why You ~
    Became Who ~
    You Are Today ~
    Why You ~
    Behave A ~
    Certain Way ~
    Don’t Ever ~
    Blame Yourself ~
    For What ~
    The Abuser ~
    Did to Your Kids ~
    Don’t Ever ~
    Blame Yourself ~
    For What ~
    The Abuser ~
    Did to You ~
    You Were ~
    Not Educated ~
    To See the ~
    Signs of an ~
    Abuser ~
    You Were ~
    Not Educated ~
    To Know ~
    You Were In ~
    an Abusive ~
    Relationship ~
    Your Children ~
    Were Not Educated ~
    To Know ~
    the Signs ~
    Your Children ~
    Were Not Educated ~
    To Know What to Do ~
    Don’t Ever~
    Blame Yourself ~
    For Not Protecting ~
    Your Children ~
    You Did Not Know ~
    What the Abuser ~
    Was Doing to Them ~
    Don’t Ever ~
    Blame Yourself ~
    You Did Not Know ~
    What the Abuser ~
    Was Doing to You ~
    You Just Did ~
    What You Did ~
    To Just Survive ~
    Your Children ~
    Just Did ~
    What They Did ~
    To Just Survive ~
    The Sad Thing ~
    About Experiencing ~
    Abuse ~
    No One Ever Had ~
    Been Abused ~
    The Same Way ~
    No One Ever ~
    Comes Out Of ~
    Abuse ~
    The Same Way ~
    You Will Never ~
    Be the Same ~
    Person You Were ~
    Before You Were Abused ~
    It is Ok ~
    To Now Feel ~
    Your Emotions ~
    It is Ok to Cry ~
    It is Ok to Be Angry ~
    It is Ok to Talk ~
    It is Ok to Take ~
    Off Your Mask ~
    Always Remember ~
    You Were Never ~
    An Victim ~
    Always Remember ~
    You Were Strong ~
    Always Remember ~
    You Were Never Weak ~
    Always Remember ~
    The Life Lessons ~
    You Learned ~
    You Don’t ~
    Have to Remember ~
    Who Taught You ~
    This Life Lesson ~
    Be Grateful ~
    That Your Children
    And heart emoticon
    You Are Alive ~


  20. OnceBittenTwiceShy

    I tried, but can’t write what my narc boyfriend did to me because I feel such shame, humiliation and embarrassment at being so easily manipulated. Suffice to say, his behaviour was emotional torture with a sense of entitlement and without remorse – in fact, he’s angry at me for leaving.

    Although I’m very pleased to be out of that relationship, I’m finding it hard to trust men at face value. I’ve tried dating over the past 12 months but the moment a guy puts a foot wrong I’m out of there. My narc took away my trust in myself to judge others accurately and he took away my ability to withstand any sort of normal disagreement. He made me look stupid in front of people who used to respect my intelligence and he stole the positive, trusting, happy-go-lucky woman I was, leaving a scared, negative, suspicious shell of a person.

    My negative outlook on relationships isn’t a conscious choice, it seems to have happened naturally and out of fear of being trapped again. If somebody else told me they felt these things I’d tell them to forget relationships for now: get out and live life, have positive experiences, enjoy laughter again, be happy and the self will naturally re-grow. But I honestly wonder if I’ll ever believe what I see in people or continue to wonder if a controlling nastiness is lurking within them.

    Fourteen months have gone by since I left my narco and it is the best thing I did – but will I ever be free of him? He writes me emails accusing me of silly and untrue behaviours. I blocked him on my phone and emails and I don’t reply, so he wrote the same rubbish about me to my daughter and threatened to write to my friends. From what I read narc’s are not physically dangerous, I only have to wait it out and he will stop. Right? And I will rebuild my sense of self and trust in others… right? I’m 47 years old.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I could have written everything you just did above. I am in a relationship right now, and the slightest criticism, the slightest disagreement makes me want to run for the hills. I keep reminding me that NORMAL people are fallible, and they will make mistakes, but I can’t shake the feeling that I am going to get sucked into this again.

      After my narc ex (whom I was with for 6 years- oh the shame I have for those many years, and regret for wasting so much of my life. Only two good things came out of that relationship- my twins) I went to counseling and it helped SO MUCH. However, although it talked about healthy relationships, etc, it didn’t prepare me for my mistrust of almost anything with a penis-or a heartbeat. I have been in 2 relationships like this, but my recent ex being by far the worst. My first relationship like this was when I was 19, and although he was super abusive/controlling, his seems so light in comparison. HE was very blatant about his abuse, whereas my recent ex was so subtle about it.

      he was a drug addict/criminal, who was a smooth talker, charming, loving, put me on a pedestal, and made me feel amazing. Then….he didn’t. Then I was scum. I was never enough. I love reading these and seeing people write the things I used to say to him. ie. You are like Jekyll and Hyde, you are a life sucking leech, you only ever take but never give. Looking back, I think in the back of my mind I knew he was something else. I just didn’t want to believe in something so horrible, or that I was a victim again. He also used his addiction as a way to manipulate and keep me around. It was his addiction’s fault. Although, you know, one day he said something to me years ago that sent shivers down my spine. He said to me “My heart is wicked and evil.” When I tried to console him, with those dead eyes, he repeated it, but said “trust me” I wish I would have listened.

      Even his parents told me to run, although they are now on his side and I am the evil doer. Meh. Can’t take the blinders off of parents.

      He has a girlfriend now, and is trying to gain access to our children (the children he hasn’t had a relationship with since their birth, whom he walked away from over and over again). All I can think about his girlfriend right now is- good luck. I feel so bad for her. In the past, I would have been so angry and jealous, but now I just have pity. I hope she learns faster than I did.

      You will get over this. I will get over this. We just have to learn to give the benefit of the doubt, even though we did so many times in the past and got burned so badly. I have realized that I am not finished with counseling. I need more, and more in depth counseling. I need to go all the way back to my childhood, where my first encounter with a narc started- my mother.

      We are going to make it! We are victorious!

      Oh and please block him from EVERYTHING! Don’t respond. Don’t answer calls. Don’t even read them. Tell you daughter to do the same. The only way to keep them away, is to make it hard for them to get to you.

      After I broke with with my ex, he tried to come back in. I kept asserting myself and saying NO. I wouldn’t feed into him trying to suck me back in, and boy did he try! He finally gave up and met this new girl. I am so happy he did, but at the same time, so sad for her. She has no idea what she has gotten herself into.

      Liked by 1 person

    • My God! You are describing my life!!
      I, too feel so damaged and cautious all of the time. I know that I need help dealing with this, counseling and maybe support groups? I moved 1050 miles away from him, yet the behavior still reaches me because of the ability to find me through other peoples FB accounts. The defamation of my character, his abandonment issues, financial problems, all of our personal problems simply aired out in the open to everyone! I’m so humiliated and ashamed! I’m still his target! It’s all my fault and he’s going to make me pay for it!! I feel defeated and exhausted. I’m truly in Hell!!


    • Not true…they can be very abusive.


  21. This sums it up so well. They are very dangerous, whether you are romantically involved, or the narcissist is just your “friend.” You’ll suffer in the end. But please keep spreading the message that there is happiness again, once you get back on your feet.


  22. This is an excellent post and I agree with everything you wrote. From my experiences, the worst aspect of it is the individual’s “Jekyll/Hyde” abilities- the ability to make everyone believe he is right/good/etc., while I’m essentially the scum of the earth who’s wasting valuable space by existing. He does not show his true self to anyone but his victims.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Yeah what she said, it is crazy that so much of what has been stated applies. Cold, Grandiose x10, selfish, evil, diabolical & those are her good qualities

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Can only say that I have only figured out the sickness in my “family” in the last few years and it has been a painful journey. My “mother” and “brother” are 2 of the sickest people I know and my dad was a compliant doormat. My older brother molested and abused me from the age of 5, he being 8 years older than me. After suppressing the abuse for over 30 years I figured out that it was meant to steal my soul at a young age by an older sibling who viewed me as a threat to his “superior” existence. During my childhood my “parents” were preoccupied after acquiring a property with an ocean view for their later years while making me grow up in a gang and drug infested neighborhood where I witnessed death for the first time at 15 with many more to follow. I also became a heroin addict, now looking back, as a way to emotionally cope with the sexual and emotional abuse. They lived for many years with their ocean view together until my “father’s” death on Christmas day a few weeks ago and now my narcissus “mother” is using my “father’s” death as a way to receive her narcissistic supply from everybody around her.

    Just waiting for her to go drop dead and go to hell where she belongs…there is a sizable estate and I just have to outlive the demonic woman who gave birth to me. She is 85 and in poor health so I pray it is soon so I can finally confront my “brother” who she said I cannot confront while she is alive because “if something happened to me she would have nobody.”

    Guess that statement says it all.


  25. I believe they are first selected, than manipulated.
    Selection at the first generation, the next generations are being observed an manipulated.
    Once such behavior is known, they can be blackmailed and used for agenda’s of treason by the enemies of the communities.


  26. They live by the saying “do as I say not as I do”.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. To Nancy Robinson: Your story hurts my heart! When I was trying to help a friend of mine with her divorce (after mine, from my ex-Nar of 23 years), her husband wanted to do the same thing (stop the divorce process)… you & your lawyer could have filed a motion that doesn’t allow the process to stop if the other party tries to bail out at the last minute. I’m sorry your lawyer did not advise you of that so that you could continue on with the divorce proceeding and finally get it all over with. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with such a horrid creature for so long. I hope Karma eventually shows up in his world at what he has done to you.


  28. Evil – Evil they have no compassion – for anybody – on the face-of-the earth. Including their own children. Just greed and compent for everyone. Blood-sucking leeches. May the devil take them.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. If I may I would like to contribute another thought about arguing with a narcissist (in response to one of the many quotes characterizing their behavior): I’d rather that you didn’t surround yourself with allies in a safe place to argue with a narcissist. If the option is there at all, I’d rather that you just DON’T argue with the narcissist, ever. The time and energy and money which most of us spend pursuing loving relationships with the Divine, others, and ourselves, careers with substance and meaning, good health, and advancement in other pursuits that matter to us, the narcissist uses to perfect his or her craft of manipulation and sabotage.

    While life is a much bigger deal than any game, there’s something to be said for framing life, and especially conflicts and arguments that way. You as a presumably normal-to-healthy person are playing a game in which your objective is to stop a pattern of abuse that’s causing pain in your life, and you play by rules that involve logic and morality. The trouble with this is that you will absolutely never in a million years win this game, because the narcissist is not playing with you, even if they are right there interacting with you. The narcissist plays by infinitely changeable rules, and his/her objective is to come out on top. You’re playing checkers and the narcissist is playing make-the-other-person-crazy. You may win the game that’s sitting there on the table, but the narcissist is going to be playing a whole other game the whole time, maybe dozens of them, and they WILL win. They won’t stop.

    If they can’t or don’t want to beat you at checkers, they might play stomp-on-the-opponent’s-foot-under-the-table.

    If that doesn’t work, they might play harp-on-the-opponent’s-“ugly”-outfit-until-they-snap.

    If that doesn’t work, they’ll make up one game after another until they find one in which they win and you lose.

    Same thing with an argument. They will probably never admit you’re right, and you can be quite certain that if they do, they will find some way to establish themselves as *more* right. The only way to win against a narcissist is to get as far away as you can.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. It’s my mother and her 5 other children and grandchildren. It’s gaslighting and humiliating activity. It’s lying to others outside the family. It’s bullying through email and text messages. It’s psychological games to make me break down in ruin and self doubt. It’s deep fear for myself and my children both for mental and physical anguish. It’s pure evil.


  31. My self worth my life my kids im a broken person….


    • You will mend, you need to educate your children softly about their expectations from others to fortify their self esteem.
      I have family narcs and grew up to accept rage as being normal if the person ‘loves you’.


  32. The worse is the loneliness you feel after or if ever you get away. If you don’t respond they use the ones you love to get to you. No one believed me, they more blamed me and turned away , told me to get over it and lose the anger. Shut down the creatures ability to create havoc in my soul. They see me as unstable and paranoid and I lost faith in human kind because of it. I had two encounters with two different narcs at almost the same time. Both relatives and both I loved. Because they were family losing them was impossible. I got to see and feel everyday the carnage they created in my life. It is still the same. My mom just passed and what the creature caused in that hospital while she suffered was criminal. But the creature got her show. At my mom ‘s expense. I need help . I need to get away.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. The saddest part is we only find out about narcissists when we have suffered one. By then it’s too late.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Agree, they are covert fakes, appear to be wonderful with plenty of close friends. They humiliate you in full view, then more in private. My experience was me being a sobbing mess at a party, he most likely blamed PMT or some other woman’s issue.

      Liked by 1 person

  34. Try getting divorced from a Narcissist! In the above great article, the paragraph that particularly struck me was the one titled “Non identity=Non accountability. My N husband and I have been legally separated for 6 years, and living apart for more than 7 years. All of a sudden, in this past April 2014, he decided to change the Legal Separation Agreement to a divorce. This necessitated my retaining a lawyer. I had no money, and an anonymous person gave me $5000.00 to fight for my rights in this weird, sci-fi battle. Five months of ugliness, thousands of dollars spent on each side, and guess what!!! The morning of the day we were to go to our final court date to sign the divorce papers, HE told his lawyer to drop the whole thing. Two hours later, I got an email from m lawyer saying the divorce filing had been dropped y the court. My lawyer and I had fought hard with HIS lawyer, and gained some things that would have helped me. All gone! My N husband felt no accountability even to his own lawyer and the court system,and in the end, capriciously left me back in limbo-land…….with business as usual. I was so stunned, I spent much of the next two months sleeping on the sofa with a blanket over my head. He is 75 and i am 72…..too old for this kind of nonsense. I don’t know why he dropped the divorce.. There must have been.something financially advantageous to him i doing so.


  1. Pingback: Step by Narcissists Step | victoriaslefo

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