Why Are Narcissists Are So Dangerous?
As you’ll read below, every survivor describes narcissists in DANGEROUS terms. Each person that’s been victimized personally by a narcissist will warn you and serve as a cautionary tale that if you welcome a narcissist into your life, you’re dancing with the devil; welcoming them in to do one thing and one thing only to you: use, abuse and destroy you.
Many onlookers or those who haven’t experienced the narcissist in an unmasked state have a hard time believing that the people we describe and the horrendous acts of abuse committed on us were done by the very people they have a different opinion of. They don’t understand the disordered’s modus operandi. They don’t understand that their belief that the narcissist is a “likeable or admirable” character is evidence that the danger has already started, they’re manipulated by the narcissist’s “mask” and they’re in complete denial of reality.
There are two main traits of a narcissist that most all other symptomology stems from: Delusional reality and lack of empathy.
The first reason a narcissist is dangerous to others is because they are in complete denial of reality.
Here are a few of the delusions that are always present in a narcissist’s psyche:
Delusion of Grandeur – This denial of reality comes in the form of the narcissist having the belief about themselves that they just deserve more. They’re larger than life, a celebrity in their own minds, entitled to take from people without having to give anything back. Statements that reflect delusions of grandeur go something like this “Don’t you know who I am?” “I had to wait in line for an hour!” “I wont be spending MY money here again, if this is the service I get”.
According to the DSM-IV TR grandiose-type symptoms include grossly exaggerated beliefs of ones own:
- exceptional relationship to a divinity or famous person.
Perfect Image – Anyone who thinks that perfection is obtainable and struggles to feel ‘worthy’ without achieving perfection is not in touch with reality. Reality dictates that we are fallable. We make mistakes, we fail, we fumble, we screw up; this is a fact of life, nature, the universe. For the narcissist, they possess the delusion that if they or the people around them achieve an image of being “perfect” that they will finally feel “ok”. They’re striving for something outside of themselves to feel good inside; this will NEVER happen.
Entitlement – Others exist to serve them – Narcissists hold the delusional thought that other human beings are objects that only exist to serve their needs. They view others in an inhumane way which allows them to act out on us with no empathy because they don’t believe we have rights of our own that the narcissist needs to pay any attention to. This complete and utter disregard for the rights of others, stems from their delusional thoughts that only ONE person benefits (wins) and that is the narcissist themselves. Narcissists view that everyone “owes” them is not in any way, shape, and/or form “realistic”.
Boundaries don’t exist – Not being aware of the boundaries that exist between two people is a denial of reality. The reality is that two people have separate identities, with separate thoughts, feelings, motivations, dreams, ideas, goals and rights. When a narcissist treats others as if they have the right to order, control, push and dictate another’s behavior (even if it’s manipulatively disguised as “helpful advice”), they are more driven by their desire for power than they are the right of the person they’re controlling to think, feel or act for themselves and are blinded from reality by that desire for power.
Non-Identity = Non-Accountability – Because a narcissist has a flexible, chameleon like identity, they have no solid foundation of self other than being that of a manipulative, changing being. They have no sense of self from which certain expectations and rules of conduct will flow. Their modus operandi is “whatever works”. Since they hold no code of ethics, their behaviors are categorized to them as either effective or non effective. Effective behaviors will be repeated regardless of the “consequences” to others. Since a narcissist has no boundaries, they don’t see the impact to others, because they don’t see them as “others”.
A narcissist’s construct literally goes like this:
Narcissist pounds your thumb with a hammer.
You scream in pain and yell, “what did you do that for!!??”
A narcissist will be able to say, “Do What??!!” Believing they did NOTHING, because they didn’t feel any pain whatsoever in their thumb.
If you insist on getting the narcissist to see the error of this whacky exchange, you will be told, “Well, you shouldn’t have had your hand on the table.”
The subject will be dropped and you will spend your time feeling bewildered and perplexed by the insanity of all, until it happens again, then you’ll focus on that atrocity and won’t be able to see that this has been the pattern all along.
Narcissists are in charge of reality – Power mongers. Control freaks who can’t recognize boundaries are the only people who can possibly believe that what they think is the reality for EVERYONE. It becomes very apparent that a narcissist believes themselves to be all knowing when they’re insistent that they know what you think, what you are really saying, who you really are or what your motivation really is. Their entitlement and lack of boundaries allows them to play God; they’re the writers of the script, the great puppeteers, the all knowing Wizard of Oz.
Worn down targets find it easier to just roll over and fold. We realize the narcissist’s ability to argue and fight surpasses our own, we aren’t interested in winning just being heard, but there comes a point where it’s just too exhausting to take the narcissist to task on these frequent power plays.
Most realistic people have an awareness of when they’re acting in a manipulative or coercive manner and feel a sense of responsibility to back off, not cross that line or not offer unsolicited advice or opinions. We respect the boundaries of others, because we are aware they exist. Narcissists have NO CONCEPT of these lines and what constitutes obtrusive behavior.
Rapists, child molesters, robbers and murderers have the same inhumane view of people, viewing them as objects to exploit at will and have no concept that it is wrong to violate or cross the demarcation lines of another’s property, being or identity.
We as an enlightened society, KNOW that these types of people are dangerous and frankly would be quite relieved committing these people to institutions so that they can’t harm society in these atrocious ways again. If you can understand this danger, then you can understand why former victims of narcissists view them with the same passionate concern for safety of themselves and others.
LACK OF EMPATHY
Its my personal opinion that empathy is the one quality that makes all of us true human beings. The ability to have a compassion for our fellow man that causes us to behave in ways that do no harm to them is a powerfully connecting emotion. Empathy is having the ability to step into another’s experience, set yourself aside & allows you to honor anothers’ feelings and needs in a way that enriches and edifies them. We need each other to respond in empathetic ways to our pain, journey, and joys through life; it connects us.
One of the key presenting traits of narcissists is their utter incapability to empathize. When you see a pattern of human cruelty that the narcissist commits on their loved ones or affiliates, you will see the lack of empathy present in various ways:
Ignoring requests to cease behavior (like cheating , stealing, lying, etc.)
Name calling, criticizing, belittling, mean “jokes”, jabs and put downs (verbal abuse)
Arguments surrounding the same issues over and over
Turning around the partners concerns to blame them and block the conversation
A frustrated partner who doesn’t feel “heard”, listened to, understood
No closure – no apologies, no accountability, no consequences, no change
A partner who suffers the consequences of the narcissist’s repetitive pattern of poor / destructive choices
The bottom line to all these behaviors?
THEY JUST DON’T CARE.
This bears repeating.
THEY JUST DON’T CARE.
Narcissists are capable of inflicting physical and psychological harm on others and are unmoved by the plight of those they hurt.
If you are trying to analyze a narcissist’s behavior and hear yourself saying, “But they SHOULD…” STOP RIGHT THERE. Whether or not a narcissist “should” care, is irrelevant because it was built into them a very very long time ago, that they CAN’T CARE. They don’t have the built in capacity to care: they lack EMPATHY.
When we’re discussing the insidious subtext to a narcissist’s dangerous behavior, let’s remember that on the SURFACE, the narcissist is still pretending, charming, conning, manipulating, giving you some bones, – whatever behaviors work to get you to continue to stick around even though the narcissist doesn’t care and KNOWS THEY DON’T truly “care” will be the tools they use again and again to keep you around.
This is what narcissistic survivors go through. At every moment, there are two relationships occurring that is just out of the conscious awareness of targets: The “pretend” relationship where the narcissist uses words not actions to convince you that what you have is a loving relationship, you’re on the same page, your future is looking bright….IF you could stop being imperfect, and doing the things the narcissist is actually doing to prevent the relationship from working. (Translation: if you can just be the constant receptacle of the negative traits the narcissist discharges on you and never ask for anything for yourself and don’t question the twisted reality you live in, then things will work out and you’ll get a version of what you want: “their love” – however conditional it is; and it is) This smoke and mirrors relationship is the one where the “talk” is that the narcissist cares about you. It’s the reality we try to live in, because the other is just too painful to bear.
The other relationship is the REAL ONE: the constant barrage of twisted head games, the layers and levels of abuse, the syphoning off of your soul and life force, the betrayals going on behind your back, the manipulation, the control, the shaming and blame, the threats, the word salads, the lies. This is the relationship that is evident in BEHAVIOR that the narcissist truly does not care. While we’re in it, we keep this reality at arm’s length.
The general populous will feel fear when a serial killer’s m.o. is displayed on nightly television. They’ll see the lack of empathy quite clearly and realize that there is something seriously wrong with those people and be aghast over how heartless someone can behave towards another human being.
Targets live this reality up close and personal every single day. We see the danger firsthand, we live it.
We don’t suddenly wake up one day and say, “You know, Im going to be a zealot about narcissism. I want to pick on these lovely people because I’m mad at them.
If someone is selling themselves this delusional bit of goods, they are surely held captive by the narcissists delusions. We are zealous about getting the word out there about this disorder and this abuse because we’ve all been burnt by the danger of a narcissist’s disorder.
Not just “touched” with a match slightly burnt but our houses, our lives, our souls, our identities, our relationships, our values, our trust, our world views have been torched to the ground in an aggressive act of intentional arson.
Although we are the star and credible witness to this crime and have the information that will put this criminal away for years so that someone else doesn’t suffer the same atrocity, no one believes it or cares enough that they step in to listen or help us.
Since we cannot hold a narcissist accountable, we can make good use of our effort to enlighten and educate others who are vulnerable to this abuse and be the support to other targets whose abuse has been ignored and invalidated by others who have a problem recognizing their danger.
It’s been said that more is learned about the narcissist through what their former targets have to say about them than anything they could say about themselves:
Christine: unrealistic sense of entitlement very high ego superficial and vein no conscience no empathy no sense of boundaries no guilt no remorse : terrible evil sick twisted fucked up monsters, rude and very arrogant not human.starts smears campaigns and spreads lies and half truths behind their victims back and all those who stand in the way of their evil plans. the narc/sociopath prince/princess.
Suzanna: Their ability to appear to others as the epitome of charm, love, and compassion, and only their victims see the real side to them.
Hula: The Devil.
Lynne: They will do whatever it takes to get what they want. If they don’t achieve it, they will destroy everything in their path, even children and family. They reinvent history to suit their needs and destroy decent people.
Kaye: Cunning, insidious, remorseless, selfish, abusive, liar, phoney, taker, manipulator, entitled, deranged, attention seeking,
Doug: Insecure and filled with pain.
Ellen: Unconcerned about his trail of emotional wreckage,totally self-absorbed with his own gratification, clueless and dismissive as to the after-effects on those he discards
How Lynne: Empty – they are empty bags of misery to themselves and those around them. You can spend a life trying to fill them and enough love and patience simply does not exist. They drag those around them into their own private abyss and swear that darkness isn’t dark.
Marinky: Toxic, everything he/she touches is destroyed, lack of remorse, lack of responsibility, double even triple personalities, pathological liar, manipulative and controlling, lack of boundaries and empathy, too much self-absorbed and self-entitlement, backstabber, gossiper.
Holly: They believe their own lies. That makes them very believable to others.
Jean: I trusted. I believed the charm. I was raised to be a perfect victim. My soul was murdered. Manipulation, lies, greed etc all takes a toll.
Marilyn: Predatorial. Interpersonally exploitive. They aren’t the scary boogie man in the bush. They are in your BED!! They bait the trap with LOVE. They use “happily ever after” to draw you into striking distance.
They have NO compunction….there is NOTHING they won’t say….NOTHING they won’t do to GET what they crave. They will fake cancer, euthanize pets. put arsenic in your morning coffee and kiss you and tell you they love you as they watch you drink it.
You’d expect such treachery from an enemy….not a lover. The cognitive dissonance of the cocktail of love and loathing makes you bleed out your ears from trying to figure out what’s happening to you.
I used to know a little developmentally disabled girl. She used look at you with beautiful pleading blue eyes….reach her arms out to you for a hug….her face would get sweet like puss n boots in a scene from SHREK. It was almost impossible to say no. …how could you say no?
Many hugged her unawares…..only to find themselves suddenly locked in the grip of her atsoundingly powerful arms with her sharp teeth buried deep in the flesh of their shoulder.
That’s what a narc does…draws you in as you expect something wonderful and loving only to be blindsided by a bewildering attack. ROMANTIC AMBUSH!!
Dorie: Sneaky and calculating
Aire: That they can seem very emotional but they can only feel empathy with themselves. Or someone distant they are talking about. Sometimes they can seem to show support but only cause they Will need that person later on or wants to build up a good reputation as the “sweetest person in the world”.. When it really matters they can be cruel, so cruel you wouldn’t believe it when it happens.
Judith: predatory, vicous, narcissistic, bloodless … Boneless, void of any soul – the Antichrist of all Demons
Chris: Zero Insight Zero Empathy, not a good combo
Stephanie: Pathological liars, victims themselves, hollow eyed monsters, arrogant, bore easily, always doing something radical (buying selling crap, change of jobs), always find negative in everybody, backstabbers, suck in bed, feel they earned the sense of entitlement to treat partners, kids, friends etc. poorly, only think of themselves, will never admit their wrong, try to isolate you, turn you away from your friends/family, controlling, weak, and again pathological liars. It’s kind of fun going to Facebook pages because they’re easy to identify – pictures of themselves always posing, doing something exciting, rarely comment on other’s post unless it’s sarcastic or over the top intellectual and basically attention grabbing. They are hyenas because they are the most toxic animal on the face of the planet. Toxic because they are fakes, people don’t see their true colors until they are eaten alive.
Susan: Pathological Planners with Destructive Intent