It Isn’t Love – It Is Narcissistic Abuse

Love doesn’t destroy us. A lack of love Destroys us.

Narcissism is the antithesis of love.


Here are 5 Ways Narcissism prevents Love in relationships:


The foundation of love is truth. A whole person will insist on having an honest connection with themselves. A person who can love has the desire to live with integrity, be true to their identity and values, they know who they are and respect themselves and others. Whole people possess the desire to adhere to their personal ethics.  All these traits stem from a strong connected relationship with yourself (and a higher power).

You cannot have a relationship with someone who is wearing a mask

Narcissists are lacking this relationship with “self” and a higher power. They’re floundering inside, looking for a cure on the outside and flit aimlessly about from source to source gathering up approval. They use this adoration to piece together an image of themselves as worthy (perfect) and entitled to receiving applause, approval and validation.

This convoluted relationship with self and their fluid identity is NOT a firm foundation for loving or simply being in a position to give to anyone else: Their Children, “friends”, mates, coworkers, neighbors, and mere strangers. Each time they head into a connecting encounter, they approach it with a calculated and predictable pattern of “owning” and working the crowd, focusing on themselves, paying attention to who’s watching, noticing the nuances and vulnerabilities of others and ALWAYS on the angle for a position of power or taking from the encounter. They also can behave in the extreme opposite: being cold and withdrawn when they don’t “feel” like being ON but will nevertheless need to feel that they are in control in the situation.  What is guaranteed is that a narcissist will be focused on themselves in every interaction and whoever they are at any given moment is dictated by their desire to use others in order to feel good about themselves and extract what they can from others without giving anything of value in return.

We get to know who people are by what they consistently DO. It lets us know who they are. We tend to like people with similar values. When the narcissist is changing to fit every person and situation, you can’t really know what they truly stand for. If you say black, they’ll say white and then next time, If you say white, they’ll say black; just to frustrate you. When narcissists play to all our passions and values, we don’t get to know them as honest, separate people, but rather those who are mirroring and aping us with sinister, selfish intent. We can’t love people we don’t know; not genuinely.

After this smoke and mirrors relationship ends, survivors find that they go through two grieving periods: One where we mourn the relationship as we lived it with genuine love for a person we thought we knew, and one for mourning the person we didn’t know: the narcissist unmasked; the REAL person in the relationship.



Narcissists don’t enter into relationships with the same ideas about Love, one’s readiness or preparedness, level of  responsibility sharing, equality, suitability, fairness, partnership, etc that neuro-typical people think about. Instead, narcissists are very underhanded, myopic and opportunistic. You are either a possible source of supply  (+) and will be favored and pursued or will be regarded as incapable of being a source of supply (-) and will be passed over.

If you have very strong boundaries, are assertive, are able to spot all the very obvious signs of narcissism that they display, you will not be an attractive mark for the narcissist and will give off a signal of being “turned off” to them; which they, with a heightened sense of rejection, will snuff out in a moment and move on to more vulnerable, fawning marks.

If you are offered entry to the “orbit” of a narcissist, the narcissist will work you, tell you everything you want to hear and you’ll be kept there while their self seeking agenda feeds off your energy and keeps their egos boosted until your replacement comes along and they always will. You’ll likely be entirely drained of your once bountiful life force at that point. If you think I’m exaggerating, then you’ve never encountered a true narcissist.

The very different “motives” for being in a relationship between a person who desires warmth, intimacy, trust and commitment and the narcissist who approaches the union in an opportunistic fashion, causes some serious and major misunderstandings (fights) or long brooding silences, when these two worlds collide. The empathic partner will be frozen out, disconnected, and saddened while the narcissist will be aware that although you may be complaining alot, you are still USEFUL for things.  The result is that you won’t feel LOVED by them, you’ll feel like an object to be used, because despite what they’re telling you and you’re denying at this point, this is all you are and will ever be to a narcissist.

Every single one of your concerns, feelings, needs and desires are entirely ignored as an unimportant obstacle to the narcissist getting their way; an impetus to their “gain” and their frustration of purpose will result in shaming, blaming, and then punishing you. Your sense of confusion will grow and you won’t find it easy to illustrate why or explain to others what’s going on.  The detached narcissist will stand firm in their belief that power over you is their “right”, winning is admirable, and  abusive and manipulative strategies perfectly usable tools under the premise “All’s fair in love and war”  The problem is that YOU view this relationship as the opportunity to “love and be loved” and the narcissist regards it as a war / competition to “win”.


When a power loving person feels entitled to always feeling “good” or “winning” the goodies in interactions, it makes sense that they would be entirely reluctant to compromise. Giving “in” feels like giving up power to a narcissist. If they concede, then YOU’VE won, and “You don’t deserve to win! They do!!!” Just ask them.


We find ourselves in a constant state of NEVER getting what we want, or if we do, we get the passive aggressive ploys to ruin it for us. We don’t get the feelings of pleasure that come from team work, compromise and reciprocal love.  Love shouldn’t be such a struggle, but because the narcissist’s me me me, all grandiose entitlement to being the supported and not the supporter or the loved and not the lover, love becomes one power struggle or lack of compromise after another.

When you’re a person who wants to share love, peace, comfort and closeness with your partner and realize that the person you’re in a relationship with is hell bent on power, can’t compromise and is quite fine destroying opportunities for intimacy by bringing up power struggles, issues you’ve fought about before, negative things people are saying about you, it sinks in at a deep emotional level that you’re in a relationship with someone who will likely NEVER be able to connect on the levels that we all desire in intimate relationships. We realize on a feeling level that to a narcissist, power and winning is actually more important than we are to them.

It would be better, if the narcissist was honest and gave you a chance to opt out – and said, “You know….Im only interested in getting my way here. If you go along with me, we’ll probably have a smooth time, well actually who am I kidding, I like starting drama …it won’t ever be smooth, but you’ll have less problems if you just go along with everything I want.”

They don’t. Instead, they SELL US (manipulate us) by pretending to want all the things we want, telling us all the things we want / need to hear to get us to stick around and allow them to feed off our energy. We are sold on their spin of reality that we have a committed, loving relationship, but that is not what we have. We are in a one sided, takership with a power hungry, broken person with an incurable disorder, incapable of telling the truth, and does not have the ability to compromise.

Whether they’re achieving the monopoly of feel goods in our “relationship” via slick underhanded (manipulative) means, outright aggressive bullying and threats or via the ice cold indifference of the silent will be the losing enemy in every battle for a compromise with a narcissistic partner.


I could literally write one sentence here that will sum up the truth now, tomorrow and forever more and will entirely describe who narcissists ARE:  

“Narcissists Lie” 


Raise your hand if you trust known liars. Didn’t think so. It’s one of the ways attorneys use to discredit witnesses in court cases, because everyone knows that someone with a history of lying isn’t to be trusted. Narcissists invest a lot of energy into keeping the truth from the surface. Ever delusional in their psyches, they figure if they can CONTROL the truth from seeing the light of day if they can keep prisoners from speaking up then they can control reality. We become the escapees from their prison of lies that run off to tell everyone what they’re really up to, we are seen as a threat; a danger. The narcissist spends alot of time engineering reality & manipulating truth to fit the circumstances. If the word gets out that they have a criminal relationship with the truth, they soon won’t have many unsuspecting victims.

How on earth are we going to develop trust in a narcissist when we are constantly hearing half truths or full blown whoppers of lies whenever the narcissist deems it appropriate; and a narcissist ALWAYS deems lying as an appropriate “tool” to get what they want. We cannot communicate openly and honestly with someone who has a flexible relationship with the truth.

Think about the people you can and do trust. What feels different about them that allows you to feel safe and express yourself with them or causes you to trust them with your wife, home, kids, $? Is it a boss? A friend? A cousin? Look at the qualities about them that make them trustworthy people. They probably possess integrity, have made tough decisions, admit culpability, don’t claim to be “perfect”, will tell you difficult things out of honesty and won’t hold against you or use things that you’ve told them in confidence.

Is this how a narcissist makes you feel? Do you feel like they’re telling you the truth, the whole truth and NOTHING but the truth so help them…”  Not likely.  Your not trusting the narcissist will be turned around to paint the picture of YOU being insecure. You will be accused of being “jealous” / insecure / damaged / broken. All things you’re not – but things the narcissist is. You will begin to believe that you are insecure for not trusting them. You in turn, stop trusting yourself and your own perceptions and rely on someone who is lying to you.


You cannot discuss how narcissism prevents love without discussing the reality that all the behaviors that narcissists inflict on the people closest to them results in a description that culminates with and rises to the level of “abuse”. Narcissists love getting their targets / victims so entangled in their confusing web of behaviors that they don’t have the clarity of being able to see the forest through the trees and call this relationship what it is:  ABUSIVE.

In every way, It is not Love, what the narcissist does to others. It’s shameful. Cruel. Cold. Heartless. Evil. Debasing. Conning. Criminal. It comes in many forms: verbal, emotional, psychological, physical and sexual.

Cheating on a person multiple times for personal gratification is ABUSE. Having no empathy or remorse for the people they’ve harmed or downright defrauded and ruined is not a “slight”; it’s ABUSE.

It is not love to lie to, lie about, lie to cover up, lie to frame people, lie to get away with and otherwise defraud and deceive people that deserve your honesty and transparency. It is not just an oversight that a man or woman fails to mention that they had unprotected sex with a multitude of people outside of their marriage, but rather a huge intrusion of ABUSE upon that person’s safety.

It is not love to tell a person over and over again how worthless and unloving they are, how they’re only good for sex, or should just kill themselves. To chastise them for choices they make out of freedom as if they are their inferior, is NOT loving; it’s ABUSIVE.

When we are stuck in the vacumous atmosphere of planet narcissist, we can’t see the abuse for what it is. We call it Love and we try to get back to the feelings we had that were loving and felt as if the narcissist returned them. We try harder, making ourselves more vulnerable, more patient, more understanding, but the narcissist just reads that we’re available to take more supply from; certainly nothing more – the more we let them use and abuse us, they view it as tacit approval to continue to abuse us, and if we stay, that is what they will do.
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Posted on November 28, 2014, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 25 Comments.

  1. This is so well written and on point!! So happy you’re away from this psychopath who obviously taught you well what a narcissist really is!


  2. I’m trying to get out of a relationship with a VERY narcissistic personality man. I read something about a “word salad” they use & that’s his main artillery at me right now…he’s making me sick, keeping me up when he knows I get up WAY EARLY to go to work. Officially, we’re separated but after 2 years of CONSTANT WORDS over & over like a hamster wheel that I can’t get off of, he wore me down to come back to get the “chance” he so desperately “needs” & lure of getting the house ready to sell. But I’ve been here 2 months & he’s not done anything about the house & I’m sooo tired. He’s convinced I’m his “Savior” & will NOT go get any kind of help… Threatening me with “leaving” aka suicide or just moving to Alaska. Stupid me. I just don’t know what to do. My words are as HONEST in that I do NOT want a sexual, or any other intimate relationship with him but no from me has NEVER been anything he hears. I’m actually desperately seeking help BC I don’t know what I should do.


  3. I was involved with a man who had all these traits. But I feel so confused. Because he cried and begged for me not to leave him after catching him cheating with so many women. I stayed thru SO MUCH!He lied all the time. I knew he was lying! I told him he was lying. Then he would spin a new story. By the time I got that one figured out..there would be a new one. I’m at the end of this struggle. My whole body aches . I’m terrified of untying myself from him. Yet I was alone for 5 years before him. I was soo independent. I feel like such a fool! Noone around me knows what I dealt with. Can’t talk to anyone. So I keep engaging with him. It’s such a vicious cycle. I hate him, I want something bad to happen to him to jolt him into my reality. I know now that it’s me. I’m the one drawing these sorts into my life. And that new knowlwdge scares me so much. I don’t trust myself even! He’s in another state in a forced rehab (by me) it was,that or the,streets. Since being there he has had unending sexual encounters with addicts and staff. I know I never want him again , and recently after I found out about his affairs,there I told him I was 100% done. Then he lured me in again with he was going to end himself,he couldn’t live without me,loved me ,soul mate.. only to tell me 2 days later that he wasn’t in love with me. Now the tables have turned and I feel desperate. I never want to speak to him or see his face..why can’t I just finally let go?!! Why do i keep asking for this shit .over and over and over. I know about no contact. I’ve tried it a few,times. It wasn’t even him who broke it. It was me! I feel doomed. I don’t want to put out there that “I can’t break away” because I’m trying to be positive. Any advice?


  4. Brandon Shelton

    I am by far in the most serious of all serious situations concerning my significant other that I know know is Narcissist…. I love her so much, but she has cheated numerous times, crying explaining she doesn’t know why, and I keep forgiving her, only to find myself fooled by her deceiving manipulation tactics.. Its more emotional pain than I’ve ever felt in my life, and I’m actually scared..


  5. I am currently in the process of breaking a friendship with a narcissist and I’m so confused. This was very helpful because until I saw this I didn’t actually realize that what this person was doing was narcissistic. I feel like I am being shut out of any future opportunities to make new friends after they moved on to a new group that they deemed more useful to them. I suspect that they have been spreading rumors. I don’t know what to do, I want to move on, I’m not angry nor do I bear this person any ill will, but I feel so trapped, and I feel unable to move on. “Drained” according to this article. Can someone help me?


  6. My father is a malignant narcissist. I can relate to the feelings of devastation and the double grieving process. Growing up he was a mixture of the funnest playmate, like a a child himself and always up for an adventure and a cruel and abusive alcoholic. In our family dynamic my brother (who I am now estranged from for speaking up about my being mistreated) was the golden child, my sister was the mascot or spokesmodel, and my father projected his unbearable self loathing on me and I was the scapegoat. I didn’t know why I was always targeted. I worked so hard all of my life to have a relationship with him and for a few years I was rejoicing because we became close. Then his strange and hostile behaviors began again when I needed to go to the E.R. And I finally awakened. He can’t be apathetic and hostile about my life and wellbeing and love me at the same time! I feel as though my life has been a hall of mirrors. I confronted him for abuse and the vicious smear campaign ensued. I finally had to release the false image of him, it is eery how he acts like a complete stranger. These are his patterns, once again the scapegoat is outcast and for once I am free. I am going no contact. I deserve love.


  7. All is true. I was in an abusive relationship for years.


  8. I have suspected and even described NY son as a narcissist, but never truly knew the extent of what that is. Regrettably, he is a confessed narcissist and is now 18 yrs old. He lives with me still and is in his last year of HS. He has not “abused” me get but only because of the mother son relationship. I seek God for answers and no longer try to lean on my own understanding, especially when my sons spirit is unrecognizable. It is with the heaviest heart and great difficulty that I have to nip this in the bud. For my own safety, health and sanity. I no longer feed into, play into or respond to the foolishness and the evil that comes out of him. I’m taking away the power. I’ll always love my son, and pray that he return some day.


  9. Thank you for this article, 5 years I was engaged to a narcisstic woman that was everything you said. Watching everything she did to me and her kids was beyond comprehension, I finally moved out and then the real evilness started. Her claiming she still loved me all along lying and manipulating me still. After 8 months of not going back, her discard was sleeping with and getting engaged to one of my coworkers while claiming she still loved me. Its been 4 months and it’s still crushing these people have nothing for anyone..if you see any of these traits please run away as fast you can…


  10. I have been made fun of by my closest family members for my bad posture. I was diagnosed with a crooked spine at 15 yo. They have publicly humiliated me while even laughing and telling me to stand up straight in front of my girlfriend, who then started to ridicule me in public as well. It felt like a feeding frenzy by those I trusted the most. Narcissism is contagious and people become “zombie” like, acting as a pack. This is also common in every workplace and most of all schools. Our attitudes toward bullying are nothing if we are hypocrites. Self examining myself I have to ask; am I forcing myself to put on my mask in order to escape my own personal hell that I live in?


  11. Reblogged this on indigo stones and commented:
    I’ve had wicked thoughts lately. Thoughts that I was wrong to leave my abusive, controlling husband who nearly erased me after 24 years. Thoughts that I wish I was back in my own home, with my old friends, in the world I had grown accustomed to. Thankfully, this article passed under my nose and I read it. I remember where I was. I am glad for where I am.


    • Your phrase “erased me” rings of truth. After five years I am still trying to find pieces of myself that he erased in our 20 year marriage. May your journey continue to bring light and love into your heart.


  12. My husband walked out on my sons and I for the third time in three months. He left the beginning of May and has made my life even more hell since leaving! We would have been married three years tomorrow. I loved…still love….that man with all my heart and soul. Truly and genuinely. I am a very genuine big hearted woman and I love hard. After leaving an abusive marriage, he wooed me and my son and made me feel like I met my knight in shining armor. He reeled me in and then put me in the fire immediately! It didn’t take long for the little insults to start. Constantly insulting me for going to public school because he went to private school. He disagreed with EVERYTHING I said and believed! I always thought my gosh this man just loves to argue. He would tell me all about the terrible things his family and friends have done to him. He was a victim. And he took advantage of my empathetic heart knowing I would defend him always. I opened up to him about things NOBODY else knows, and he used them against me later. His family is also, and more narcissistic than him. Sometimes I wonder if he is just the result of being raised by a high level narcissist. His mother is the devil. An entire movie can be made about her. His mother and brother couldn’t stand me because I was a country girl and they were wealthy snobs. They were out to destroy our relationship from day one. When he proposed they lost it. They fired him from the family business and sent him on his way. He only had me. He was the BEST husband you could ask for for the entire year we didn’t talk to them. We had a baby boy and life was great. So I thought. I encouraged him to reconcile with his family and ever since, our marriage has deteriorated. The mind games, emotional and mental abuse along with some physical that he ALWAYS turns on me truly sent me off the deep end. I sunk into a deep depression and wanted to die. My boys and God were the only thing that kept me going. He would tell me to shut up when I cried because i was 30 not a baby. He NEVER showed remorse or empathy at all. I finally got help for my depression and my eyes were opened. I was able to cope emotionally and just in time because soon as I got my backbone back, he left. He left saying I abused HIM!!!!!!!!!! Saying I controlled him!!!!! The lies and the way he’s turned his abuse on me literally makes me sick. Even now that he’s gone he’s still controlling me with money and emotionally. He encouraged me to quit an amazing job to stay home with my baby. Now I have nothing. He’s threatened to take my kids from me and said his family has more money than they know what to do with and he will “crush” me in court. I have not a dollar to my name. He has made himself look like the victim from him leaving. He’s living with his evil mother and I can’t even begin to express how he’s still hurting me. When he starts being nice I know he’s wanting something. I wish I could just run away and hide from him because he is that toxic. These people will KILL you if you don’t get away. Somehow, they will end up killing you. I now have serious blood pressure and heart problems and I’m 30 years old and in good shape. He has taken years off my life. I know the signs now and the thought of even trusting another person is so scary. I trusted that man with my whole life and my kids lives. I’ve never been so destroyed. But I will prevail. We all will.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Omg! Im going through the exact same thing, except both of his parents are deceased. I recently had to get depression and anxiety medicine bec s use I felt like I wanted to die. Thank you for sharing your story now I know what I need to do. Thank you and God Bless!


  13. I never really understood narcissism, now I read this article , I’m simply lost for words , I want this article , I was in a relationship with a woman for 5 years that did all of these things to me , she broke me down to the point I walked with my head down , made me believe it was all my fault and left me after she financially drained my trying to keep her she made me believe she loved me then totally destroyed me while I chased her the whole 5 years , I feel a sigh of relief after I read this and saw what she did was this to a T , I honestly believe now I can let her go , I was one of several in her path of destruction , I have spent months crying over her leaving , , I’m at a loss for words !

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I have just broken free from a two and a half year relationship with a narcissistic. He persuaded me to give up my job, car, home and family and isolated me abroad with no money and completely at his mercy, where he bullied and abused me, destroyed my belongings and caused numerous fall outs so he could sleep around with anybody and everybody. He once left me penny less and with nothing having smashed up my phone, shredded all my clothing and thrown away my credit and debit cards ….. In Thailand! How dangerous. Why did I put up with this treatment? Because I loved him very much and when he decided to be lovely to me he was just that. I could write a book about him but I wouldn’t want to feed his ego. His friends think he’s a wonderful person. He is deeply disturbed and dangerous when the dark cloud appears over his head, when you know that a very painful experience is waiting round the corner and every ounce of kindness and love will be drained from you by him. I am an intelligent and sincere woman from an amazingly close family – what confuses me is why he set his sights on me only to turn the whole relationship into a pack of shoddy lies with no commitment or respect. I’m back at work and trying to rebuild, but my friends have described me as being broken – I will get through this and I wish I could warn others away from this evil character, but he fooled me and he’ll fool the next – he had his next victim sleeping in our bed just three days after I fled from him – no heart, just a swinging brick.


  15. Reblogged this on Dog Dharma's Blog and commented:
    This is so right-on, I can’t help sharing.


  16. I am so grateful to posts like these that show me what the person, who I thought loved me, was really doing. I couldn’t understand the long punishing silences and being called jealous and insecure. I am so grateful he is gone and grateful to have learned what he is so I never experience that kind of abuse again. It was horrific. Evil. So evil.


  17. This article nailed everything I have learned over the course of my relationship with a Narc!


  18. Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m going through many emotions right now and most of it is sadness, shame and lack of worth, feeling used and lonely most of the time. I’m married and have a child and trying to be strong. This article describes my husband to the letter! I feel like running away!!!! So many tears I’m shedding and have shed! I feel so much despair like it won’t end. I want to leave but financially unable to do so right now. I wish I never met the person and got involved but I have my daughter because of it. I’m in love with an old friend that I’ve passed up for my now husband. I still keep in touch with this person but they are married and have a family now. I respect the boundaries that we are both married but in my heart I’ve always loved this person. Most of the time I feel guilty for wanting this person but I know it’s wrong and what does that say about me. Again, I’m feeling the shame, for what my husband is putting me through and how I feel about myself. I wonder if there will any relief from the hell!

    Liked by 1 person

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