Signs That You’ve Been Abused by a Narcissist


Self-Doubt

1. YOU DOUBT YOURSELF

Do you recognize that you’re doubting yourself more than you ever have before?

Victims of narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something.

This reactive adaptation to narcissistic abuse is because the narcissist is ALWAYS finger pointing and shifting blame to YOU for ALL of the ups & downs both in the relationship AND in the narcissist’s personal psyche.
Because this relationship has NON EXISTENT boundaries, you will find YOURSELF constantly PUT UPON and FORCED to accept responsibility for things you didn’t do or say. This borrowed humiliation and shame is exactly what the narcissist intends for the victim to take from the narcissist. Their own unfelt core of shame.

2. CONFUSION

confusion

Just refer to the above explanation of self doubt and boundary transgression if you want to understand the CONFUSION that is part and parcel of narcissistic abuse.

Daily boundary transgression and criss crossing of responsibility starts to wear on even the clearest minded of targets.
Suddenly you wake up and realize that all the realities and borders between yourself and others is not only BLURRED but MISSING.

It’s confusing to KNOW that you aren’t responsible for someone else’s behavior, thinking and feeling but to be CONSTANTLY SCOLDED for behaving, thinking and feeling as if you ARE.

It’s crazy-making and a narcissist purposefully causes this confusion. They know that a divided and conquered mind is their most vulnerable and susceptible target who won’t be able to identify that their confusion is caused by an abusive technique called ‘gaslighting’.

Gaslighting is a technique of psychological abuse used by narcissists to instill confusion and anxiety in their target to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment.  With gas lighting, the target initially notices that something happens that is odd, but they don’t believe it.  The target attempts to fight the manipulation, but are confused further by being called names or told that they’re: ‘Just Too sensitive’, ‘Crazy’, ‘Imagining things’ or the narcissist  flat out DENIES ever saying anything hurtful. Gradually, the target learns not to trust their own perceptions and begins doubting themselves.  Broken and unable to trust themselves, they isolate further. The target now doubts everything about themselves: their thoughts and opinions, their ideas and ideals. They become dependent on the narcissist for their reality.

For it is in your CONFUSION and acceptance of responsibility that belongs to the narcissist, that a narcissist is able to successfully CONTROL YOU and USE YOU as a scapegoat for their problems.

3. FEELING CRAZY


Every minute of every hour of every day of every year, a Narcissist, who has a DSM classifiable personality DISORDER (ie: not playing with a full deck) is PROJECTING their disorder onto those around them. If you don’t think that having a crazy person constantly blaming you for being “crazy” will make you crazy, I’d like to introduce you to a narcissist that will convince you otherwise.

This disorder isn’t a relationship gone wrong. This disorder isn’t kid stuff. It’s MALEVOLENT. It’s a transference of malevolence and MENTAL DISORDER from the person who has it to the person who DOESN’T.LOVE QUOTES (39)

Frankly, before a narcissist, I’ve not once in my life, FELT CRAZY. Neither have I ever been told by a psychologist and I’ve seen lots of them – that I had anything WRONG with MY own MENTAL HEALTH. Personally, I always had it “together”. I was resilient, mentally tough, and withstood many events in my life that would make others crumble.

Yet, when I unwittingly dated someone with this serious mental health malady, I wanted to slam an entire set of broken porcelain down his throat sideways and every obtuse moron that believes the garbage that comes out of his mouth. No, it’s not that I suddenly became a person interested in physical violence, I suddenly became a person who was witnessing a DSM category all wrapped up into a physical being – who turned his mental health problems ON Me. I became a target of a person with a problem. They say, “Hurt people, HURT people”. I say, “Narcissistic People DESTROY PEOPLE”.

4. EMERGING CLUSTER OF SYMPTOMS THAT HAVE NO OTHER EXPLANATION

1inexplicable

All I could muster to the narcissist in my dear john letter when I broke up with him that wonderful New Year’s Eve, was “I DONT KNOW what’s WRONG!! But I just don’t feel like myself. Something feels EXTREMELY TOXIC and I don’t know why”…..This should be the alert when a victim of narcissistic abuse presents themselves to therapists. The inexplicable “complaint”.

My first visit to my therapist were those words exactly. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but It’s SERIOUS!” I felt it. I did – I felt BEWILDERED inside, but I could not articulate what it was. (another red flag for someone usually able to articulate every feeling and explanation about myself in-depth).How was it that after 43 years of explaining, analyzing and discussing my own deficiencies quite well, I could NOT for the life of me explain to my therapist what was so “wrong” with me that it was palpable. His answer, set me free, it really did. 

“YOU HAVE BEEN IN A DOMESTICALLY VIOLENT RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST “

My therapist had some background with this person. He’d WITNESSED the narcissist calling me, berating me during sessions. I held the phone away during one session, so that my therapist could hear the narcissist on the other end questioning me about cheating, “Accusing me of having an affair with the therapist”.  Grilling me about what the therapist looked like and would speak to me like. He even accused the therapist of wanting me sexually and that was the reason the therapist spoke so lowly of the narcissist. (of course it couldn’t just be that the narcissist had a bad reputation and the community was on to him)

Sufferers report that their spark has gone out and, even years later, find they just cannot get motivated about anything.

Unaware that we’ve been living in a war zone with a tyrannical narcissist, we can’t quite grasp the words to articulate the abuse, yet at the same time, we VERY MUCH FEEL IT. We present ourselves to the mental health community, incapable of speaking about an abuse we yet know nothing about. Until that word, “NARCISSISTIC ABUSE” is given to us, we have NO IDEA that is what’s causing our pain. That’s why it’s SO IMPORTANT to get the word out there, what narcissists look like, their modus operandi, the words and phrases they use, so that when a victim of their abuse begins looking for answers, they quickly will be able to identify that they are involved with a narcissist.

In Narcissistic Victim Syndrome you are looking for a cluster of symptoms to emerge many are the symptoms of trauma (avoidance, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or eating difficulties and nightmares, irritability, hyper-vigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness, psychosomatic illnesses, self-harming, thoughts of suicide etc).Some victims develop Stockholm Syndrome and want to support, defend, and love the abuser despite what they have gone through.

5. DISSOCIATION

Victims tend to ‘dissociate’ or detach from their emotions, body, or surroundings. Living in a war zone where all forms of power and control are used against you (intimidation; emotional, physical and mental abuse; isolation, economic abuse, sexual abuse, coercion, control etc), the threat of abuse is always present. Dissociation is an automatic coping mechanism against overwhelming stress.

dissociation 3

Symptoms of dissociation resulting from trauma may include depersonalization, (disconnecting your body awareness from your physical self) psychological numbing, disengaged from life and passions, or amnesia regarding the events of the abuse.

It has been hypothesized that dissociation may provide a temporarily effective defense mechanism in cases of severe trauma; however, in the long-term, dissociation is associated with decreased psychological functioning and adjustment.

Other symptoms sometimes found along with dissociation in victims of traumatic abuse (often referred to as “sequelae to abuse”) include anxiety, PTSD, low self-esteem, somatization, depression, chronic pain, interpersonal dysfunction, substance abuse, self-mutilation and suicidal ideation or actions. These symptoms may lead the victim to erroneously present the symptoms as the source of the problem.

6. PTSD

Let’s face it. If I didn’t mention PTSD, or Complex PTSD, I would NOT be doing the topic of narcissistic abuse syndrome ANY justice.

Ptsd, in layman’s terms? From a fellow sufferer? A Cerebral anxiety attack that makes your whole body come alive with PALPABLE FEAR. The rapid heart beat, the intrusive and spinning thoughts and fears – just like the abuse is CURRENTLY HAPPENING SEQUENTIALLY ALL OVER AGAIN. This is called RE-LIVING.  It’s as if the traumatic abuse event is occurring in the present tense. All the emotions of fear, shame, shrinking, wincing, looking over your shoulder & walking on eggshells waiting to be attacked ruthlessly AGAIN.     ptsd

Physical numbness -

(toes, fingertips, lips) is common, as is emotional numbness (especially inability to feel joy).

Avoidance -

of places, sounds, tastes, and songs that remind them of their abuser or the abuse. Intense feelings of anxiety even in anticipation of having to revisit the memories.

Memory Loss - Almost all targets report impaired memory. Partially due to conscious avoidance as well as from the damage done to the hippocampus, an area of the brain linked to learning and memory.

Need for solitude / tendency to isolate -
We’re EXHAUSTED after narcissistic abuse. Feelings of withdrawal and isolation are common; we just want to be in our own head for a while, find our own answers; thus, solitude is sought.

Lack of Joy and Hope -
Inability to feel joy (anhedonia) and deadening of loving feelings towards others are commonly reported. One fears never being able to feel love or trust again.

The target becomes very gloomy and senses a foreshortened future sometimes with justification. Many targets ultimately have severe psychiatric injury, severely impaired health and/or stress related illnesses.

Sleeplessness-
Melatonin became my new best friend after narcissistic abuse. The nightmares and night terrors can be overwhelming that good restorative sleep becomes impossible.  Napping became my new favorite passion.

Sleep becomes almost impossible, despite the constant fatigue; such sleep as is obtained tends to be unsatisfying, unrefreshing and non-restorative. On waking, the person often feels more tired than when they went to bed. Depressive feelings arrive very early in the morning, making falling back to sleep an impossibility.  Feelings of vulnerability and loneliness may be heightened overnight.

Anxiousness, Guilt & Disturbing thoughts - 

Targets have an extremely short fuse and are easily irritated. The person frequently experiences obsessive visions of violence happening to the narcissist  hoping for an accident for, or murdering the narcissist; the resultant feelings of guilt further limit progress in healing.

Fight or Flight Response - 

With your system on alert for ever-present danger in the environment it’s easy to react sensitively to sudden changes – causing the startle response.

Awareness of symptoms - 

It’s very harrowing to realize that you are different from you were before the narcissist; FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT. When you are very aware that PTSD has replaced the narcissist, it emotionally drains the target of any hope for being PERMANENTLY NARCISSISTIC FREE. We don’t want to be constantly reminded and aware of the person we escaped. We want to live freely, however symptoms, are a constant reminder that we DON’T.

Posted on December 1, 2013, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 82 Comments.

  1. Anxiety reading this because I see myself.

  2. Reblogged this on Paula's Pontifications and commented:
    Understanding and accepting that you were a victim of narcissistic abuse is essential to moving forward in the healing process. ANA blog does a great job detailing what to look for in yourself to help put a name to what’s/who’s responsible for leaving you unrecognizable and forever changed. Namaste!

  3. I wish that I could say that I don’t understand this list, but unfortunately, after 30 years of this kind of treatment, I understand all too well. I am finally out from under it 24/7, but having children who still visit with him and are influenced by him, makes it challenging. Thank you for posting these thoughts. I can’t tell you how helpful it is for me to know that I am not the only one dealing with these feelings.

    • I can relate to you on this so clearly.

      • I know now i was married to one. Now i am trying to figure out why? Why was this interaction “acceptable” ? I stayed for almost 2o years. So why have i accepted his first 15 years indifference thinking that i must accept him for who he was? Was it something familliar that i have know with my parents (one of them) and choosen to tag it as a result of low self esteem/anxiety (mother)? I feel as though my mom was possessive. If i had a sleep over that lasted more than one day, she would say “why dont you move there?” Instead of being happy for me that i had interactions. I fear my own projection in whatever i perceive. Two of my brothers display narcissist behavior. By stating this, what does that make me? Am i projecting something that i am onto others? This is where i am. If someone doesn’t call me back, i wont make anything of it at first. But after a while i will ask myself if i said something to provoque this. The last 3 years has left me doubting myself. Is this how people see me? Who am i? I hate having attention brought on me, positive as well as negative. I’m tired of people assuming what the problem is without knowing the facts. But what i fear most of all is not being a suitable model for my kids. I stand up for what i believe in. No one can take away this from me. But having someone tell me that i lie is the worsed thing you can put me through. Having someone telling me that how i am reacting to my ex-spouses behavior are related to mental health DMS dilusions is worst. Then having a friend telling me don’t “touch me”, dimissing it as his own issues, is beyond me. The more i need to confront those impressions the more they seam to believe them. This is what my ex-spouse ‘s suggestions of “erotomania” and “delusions” have left me with. Can you relate to that?

      • I could never understand why people felt uncomfortable around me. My friend was honest. People have different issues. His are different from my own. No matter what the issues are, they all have one thing in comon…there issues. Issues hurt individuals in different way. I have issues a part from my ex-spouses’s. They are not related in any way with him. My issues are why his issues affect me. Whats the solution? Before pointing other people’s issues, i will make sure i address my own. My friend was honest. So am i.

      • I would feel uncomfortable everytime my mother would share with me her frustrations about my father. So when abuse took place in our house, i would try to explain. There is a difference between explaining and minimizing. Family violence is not a issue that needs minimizing nor exagerating. Rambling about it , is not addressing it either. BUT it must not be silenced. If i choose to speak about it in front of the kids in a way that is not belittling for the absent party, it is OK. The kids need it as much as i do. Dont silence me. If you have an issue with my issue, i can only try to understand.

      • I am Danielle Mallette from Ottawa Ontario. I have no problem with disclosing my identity. Staying anonymous, in my case, will not help me nor will it endanger me in any way as it exposes those who have an issue with me disclosing my issue. Freedom of speache is still one of my rights.

      • … and grammatical errors is not against the law.

      • Getting tested for PSTD.

    • Are relationship ended in 2oo5 after i discovered that he was having an affair with this lady who lives in Germany. I never would have known about it if it was not for her dark long hair that was all over his clothes. Then my brain connected the dots. He denied it when i confronted him but then I lied right back to him and told him that I’ve seen my doctor. «I think there is something you need to tell me.» Never mentioned the term STD once but by then, his brain connected the dots and told me. Every bit of information I would discover i’d felt betrade. I was reliving the moment over and over again. We did not exist. If he appriciated us, I don’t know. The only thing he demonstrated was indifference. My asthma went up. My anxiety was so high I was prescribed Celexa. Then I couldn’t sleep. So I was prescribed something to sleep as well. I couldn’t stop staching my face so every imperfection turned into a bruise living a scar. My reaction to all his lies put my life on hold cheating me out of moments with my kids that I will never get back. To hide the secret ment more lies. From that point on, the violent behavior would progress. In october 2oo8, CAS had already documented two incidents of physical abuse. I moved out in september 2oo9 imposing physical boundaries. If he can’t physically reach me, he will physically reach the next best thing. He will physically abuse my children for imposing him boundaries which he has no control over. If he can not feel remorse, why do you think he will keep the incident to himself? I know when something happens. The worse thing he can do to me is to hurt MY children. Every one of his harassing e-mail was his way of letting me know that he had hurt them. THIS is the reason why they inserted article 264 to the canadian criminal code. To protect woman and their children from those people. My children keeps this secret trying to spare temselves from my reaction to his abuse, blaming themselves for his violent destructive behaviour. BUT I KNOW. They don’t need to say anything. I KNOW. And they are NOT to blame for his bad behavior. This is why investigators MUST investigate ALL complaints reported to central division.

  4. If a person was involved with a Narcissistic person, can they capture some of that person’s traits? Courious cause I’m with someone who was with a Narcissistic person and this weekend some comments were made about a ex having a Great set of Boobs, I got upset thinking can you stop about the ex, when I said lets talk the next day I got I don’t want to talk, then it was turned around and this person was mad with me! Am I wrong, should I have said nothing? I’m confused and hurt right now!

  5. Jens(Germany,male)

    My mother is/was a severe narcissist. She had all power over me, was insulting, controlling and abusing me on a daily basis. Plus she was manipulating my siblings and the environment around her(Family, neighbours). She did not do this because she her being a bad person but because of her being very sick. It is esspecially very tough because of the small rest of the family not understanding because of them being manipulated. Thankfully, I am not living a life in obscurity. My life is/was worth living and there is more progress ahead of me.But having no family to visit and being single by myself makes it very hard sometimes.

  6. Oh, boy. here’s the explanation for so much. ok, now how does one get over it?

  7. This very well defines what happens in an abusive relationship and the residual effects that I have but didn’t know why. Now I do. Really, one of the hardest steps to take was admitting that I was in an abusive relationship. Not having hope is a terrible loss. Only when you’ve lost it do you understand how terrible it is. I think I’m a wonderful actress sometimes.

  8. omg, this describes me and my life EXACTLY. my husband is a narcissist and for the last 1 1/2 year our home has been a war zone:(

  9. This is my life. Who are you? What do you do when when you are in your divorce procedures and your lawyer doesn’t seam to understand that “MOTHER FUCKER” has grip on finance and makes damned sure that i crawl back on my hands and knees only to tell me that its my fault. I dont know how to manage money!!! I need to adresse this. You an be sure that i get a peace of paper stating that this is my reality and another one stating that he stays the hell away from both my kids and I.

    • Before thinking out of the box in order to exploite laws and divorce procedures, you must first know them which is the case for most of the population.

      Learning that CAS wants to transfer custody of your kids over to the one who has demonstrated physical abuse on grounds of mental health issues based on nothing, is by itself enough to create a mental issue. What was the point of communicating that your family doctor has reported the abusive spouse twice to CAS. Once for physical abuse and second for spreading rumors (defamation). Believable or not, one must double their effort in remaining impartiale; not to get caugh in statements ending up biais.

      How will the abusive spouse react to these statements? And this is beside the fact that you need to regroup from learning about the custody procedure. There is no way to win. First opportunity this spouse gets to report you, such as bringing your kids late to school or being late picking them up from school, he will. Saying how desorganised and irresponsable you are by not making education a priority.

      Your kids safety is even greater right than the rtight to education. The fact that the abusive spouse is tempting to pull that off is enough to create a mental health issue. Because they are not not thinking of them, but of themselves. THIS is why i am so angry.

      • CAS’s word is not the Gospel. Most opinions will strongly suggest not to go against CAS. Why the f*ck not? Are they affiliated with the mob, where they intimidate parents behind close doors, with sleeping bags and ciment shoes ? A person with good work ethics that respects his/her self and shows integrity will do what is necessairy to correct any lack of jugement that is not in the child’s best interest. “If” you can manage your emotions just enough so they wont distort your perception clouding up your jugement. Which i haven’t mastered yet.

      • Sounds like a NARC personality disorder!! They are sooo good at convincing anyone of the lies and manipulations. There is a book divorcing the narc. I suggest reading some of them. ALL attorneys should study this in school. I’d love to take a poll on how long our divorces were drawn out mine was 2 yrs long because of him it was grueling and pathetic to the point were I was emotionally drained and gave up my rights to over 50,000 of his.

  10. Wow, Madre – your comment echoed with me. I was such a great actress and never let anyone know the drama I dealt with on a daily basis. The information here from ANA is spot on. I used to think maybe I was the crazy one!

  11. ANA OMG, I am flabbergasted. It’s like reading my own story, down to breaking up with my ex husband last New Years Eve, on a night were it got so ugly I thought I was going to die. That’s when I made the decision to break it off and move on. I’m past a lot of it and it’s amazing how I remember more and more, the farther I am from him. I had a mental block, the psychological games he played with me, from Physically, verbally, and mentally abusing me to blaming me for everything he did, and after no contact for over 6 months, gave him the benefit of the doubt, because he stated he wanted to be friends and two weeks later the whole roller coaster ride with the mental games started, but now that I was finally awake, I cut him off at the legs and there is and won’t be anymore contact, the funny thing is that I knew all the symptoms, but didn’t know he was Narcissistic, all along I thought he was Bi-Polar!!! When a person makes you doubt yourself to the point where you question yourself, you are walking on egg shells just to avoid the drama, that’s when you know it’s affecting your mental health and it’s time to cut all ties and move on. I’m glad that I have kids, but their not his, so I don’t have to deal with him at all. Thanks for this post and your page, I’m glad that there is light at the end of the tunnel, the calm after the storm <3

    • I too had a complete BLOCK on all that the narc that abused me did to me D, and STILL DO – to just separate myself entirely from his evil. I have wanted to completely block out all memories of everything to do with that – and in fact do disassociate myself from him by referring to him as a “thing” a non human – just a bad experience. Not someone that meant something to me personally. There are moments though, where Ill be triggered and get upset all over again as if it’s happening & of course, then the emotions (and tears flood me) but I think that our brain goes into a protective zone to help us deal with unbearable realities.

      To me, as long as I can remember enough of the traits and abusive things “it” did to me – I can use those experiences to help others. To empathize and really let other survivors know – that I FEEL YOUR PAIN, because I went through it. Beyond that, I choose not to have a memory that something this evil was close to me. It frankly, scares me too much. <3

      • All i want is divorce. Nothing is moving.

      • Wow, nice to know I’m not the only human who is triggered emotionally to respond with fierce anger and loads of tears when he tries to take me down or when he isn’t there for the children. I have finally realized that him not being there for our children is called a BLESSING!

    • I never thought he was bi-Polar. I knew where it came from… his father.

    • In my situation I had a doctor ask me if the doctor I was seeing was Bi-Polar??? Funny huh…

  12. Thank you so much for this article. It was definitely a real eye opener and has made me finally realize that it’s time to let go and move on with my own life.

  13. Like Jens, I was raised by a narcissist. What makes reading this article so difficult for me is all the references to how things change after the abuse. It made it clear to me that things were never different. The doubt, confusion, crazy feeling, dissociation, … have been there since birth. I don’t know how to love or feel love and never feel emotionally safe unless I’m alone.

    • this few sentence effected me deep, it made me really sad to read this:( nobody should have to have that experience and from birth too :(((( im so sorry that happened to you <3 <3 <3

    • “I don’t know how to love or feel love and never feel emotionally safe unless I’m alone.”

      It’s hard to find someone to love who can relate to us on this matter. You can be attracted to someone but if they don’t recognise what you are feeling by dismissing it, you won’t stay attracted to them for very long. Love needs understanding and compassion. It’s only my opinion. But dont take my word for it.

  14. Jens(Germany,male)

    Hi Anonymous,
    when I was a child I felt like something was terribly wrong in my environment but I could not describe it. I understand more and more that my mother was a real narcissist. As a child I was real lowner. I felt very unsafe around other kids if they werent much younger than me. Doctors were against mem they diagnosed me with a learning disabilty and ADHD. There was always a lot of confusion around these forms of diagnosis. For many years in my teenage years, I was on the edge of committing suicide. But with almost 40, my life is different now. I do not have a partner(I have had one girl friend who was mentally ill for 5 weeks, and sex with one other girl, that was it), so live by myself and occupy myself really well. My life is unique because I developed to become very idealistic and spent 7 years in foreign countries(USA, Australia, Fiji, but most of this time, I lived in New Zealand). Even though a Christian mental health institution diagnosed me with being permanently unable to work and even though I experienced severe abuse after a great year in a Christian cult(YWAM), I am now able to live and work in Germany and develop all my degrees that I obtained, more and more into a small career. I have lived a full life, an extraordinary life but some times I still wonder: why me, why me? I could write a book about my life and even though I have absolutely no family, I am still hopeful of continuing to live a life worth living. I have always spent an extraordinary time by myself, so having an own family would be very unusual for me. But I was laways longing to be very close to someone. First until 25 I only liked younger boys, but years overseas can change that. Feel free to get in touch with me. You find me on FB: Jens Gragen. I am the only person on this planet who has that name.

  15. Please read my blog regarding this exact situation I’m going through right now :(
    http://thedayileft30.blogspot.ca/

  16. Jens(Germany,male)

    yes Marita. I did not love my mother, so my mother didnt love me. My siblings have been loved narcissisticly and totally brainwashed. They are having careers, but they emotionally will never accept me as their brother.Of course, my parents have seen themselves as the best parents all around and due to my parents not being so involved in the community, people thought me as a disabled child had very good parents. Even the best parents all around!I can cope with life but I possibly have to live with the consequences of my own raising until the end of my life.

  17. Please help this poor woman to escape asap

  18. I don’t even know where to begin, only to say- I am glad I joined in.

    My heart goes out to everyone here. I was raised by a narcissistic mom who just didn’t know any better. She was not raised by her mom and never developed the necessary skills to engage her children or her husband (our dad)– Thus, her inability to nurture anyone, properly. Jen’s. I agree with you. Those of us who’ve been subjected to narcissistic abuse, indeed, will experience a lifetime of challenges because of the upbringing. But, I believe there’s hope for us! We can become stable minded, incrementally, overtime during our entire lifetime with the right informational coping tools.. It’ll take us just that long, a lifetime.

    A bittersweet, lifelong journey is ahead of us all..

    • He quotes everything that I can relate to. He uses quotes that means a lot to me. He quotes my texted messages. He quotes my cell conversations. His knowledge on “hacking” surpasses any Ottawa police member. And he knows this. So Ottawa police can’t stop him. No lawyer will bother with this type of crime. It’s too complicated. Time is money. It’s so much easyer to assume that it’s all in my head. It’s so much easyer to look away. It’s so much easyer to arrest and charges me four times and assume that my mental health is the problem instead of their moral fiber. Let’s procede with ROH’s forensic evaluation by giving them anything we can put our hands on calling it proof. No one will ever bother asking if laws or rights are respected. No one will pay attention. Anything I say will be dismissed as delusional. Physical abuse can be ignored, but it will always stay documented. That is no illusion.

      • I lived with my Narc in Ottawa too.. I can relate to your pain! Only proof I have against my Narc is the early abusive emails he use to send me before I threatened to show them to others and he started covering his tracks…

    • May I “move on” now? May I “let go” now?

    • My question is are you born a narc or do you become a narc due to environnement (child) ?

      • Is a narc the result of abuse?

      • Jens(Germany,male)

        Many people behave narcisstic. However, we can not always call them narcissists from a psychological point of view. There are German articles on Narcissism that I am relating to.. There is a term called ‘narcisstic abuse’. It is also called ‘soft’ abuse’ It is starting to occur when the infant is as young as six months old.It is controversial though if you can call that abuse because the mother does not abuse her baby intentionally.She does it because she does not know any better.
        In early childhood, the infant has to master all kinds of conflicts. It of course needs to have the help of its mother in that regards. So there is the dependency/autonomy conflict as a baby. After the birth, baby and mother are living in a symbiosis. The baby totaly depends on its mother. But after around six months, the baby wants to become more independent from her, but of course still needs its mum.So a healthy mum will allow the baby to be more free, but the narcisstic mum wants to stay in the symbiosis with her child. To cut things short: as a result, the child is afraid of being independent because it could lose the love of her mother, so the baby stays in the symbiosis, more or less. So you can say that the baby and later the child/pre-teen/teenager(!, that happend to my brother) is manipulated in loving the mother first before the love comes back from the mother. That sounds weird but remember animals(like pets) will often love you first regardless. That doesnt happen with a child unless it is manipulated that way. I was not loved by my mum and for some reason not narcissticly abuse either. I was often confronted of why I did not love my mother and blamed for that. I saw a lot of disorders in my family, but as a child, it is far too hard to put that into words.My brother was still kissing my mum for hours(!) when he was 13 and that was totally normal to everybody.
        There is a difference between male and female narcissm. Often, female narcissists have low self esteem, are manipulative and are subconsciously afraid of separation(from her husband f. ex) They absolutely cannot be criticised in terms of their personality. This is why its so hard to cure them. Male narcissists are often very successful in their careers and the seem to be pepole without blemish, we call them ‘sublime’. But these men will have trouble in keeping relationships and they are lacking skills like raising a child and seeing the true values of life.
        Mum and dad of mine were both narcissists and I am afraid thatthe partner of my brother is also a female narcissist. Narcissitic couples seem to fit….

  19. After separating from him 2 weeks ago and practically running to my family home 5 hours away for safety he managed to hook me again to confess my love and feelings and my hopes for restoring the marriage! Then 2 days later he destroyed and discarded me again by blaming everything on me and calling my love fake and told me to stop pretending to be this loving angel. He also told me our marriage will never work unless I change what he doesn’t like and he will not make any changes because he has already given so much more in this marriage and it’s my turn. Once he was done blaming me and making me feel like trash while I was trying to defend myself he hung up the phone on me and sent me a text saying ” I don’t have to deal with your cr*p, goodnight”.
    That was last night and I’ve been feeling like a worthless trash he played and discarded again. And he goes off a winner, feeling sorry for himself as the victim and forgets my existence.
    This pain is too much! :-(
    I write more of the story in my blog as an outlet.. http://thedayileft30.blogspot.ca/

  20. Our perception is what comes out of our environnement. Perception maybe molded by internal factors as well. ADHD is one example. By distraction, what is transmitted by an environnement may be modified. Social interaction is something we learn progressively. If we are distracted from what is being transmitted, the message becomes something else. Maybe this is what Jens was refering to. ADHD child may very well see one of their parents as being a narc. They cant relate to this parent who keeps repeating the same thing and is overwhelmed by it. This parent is perhaps «unaware». They dont know any better. Then assomption kicks in and the child grows up thinking that their parent is narc. I’m no doctor nor psychologist so don’t quote me. My thoughts are only wandering here and there. What do you think?

    • A child’s self esteem is vulnerable to begin with. Put a dog in a small cage. Then repeatedly poke it with a stick. Do you think «survival of the foetus» instinct will kick in when ever he sees a stick? Will we define his behaviour as narcissistic? «That dog thinks only of himself.» Can you blame it? In what way are we so different from the dog? Difference between child and adult is responsability. Alot of those inmates shouldn’t be there. Most of them are scared shitless once they are out and are looking for the first opportunity to go back. They had trouble coping with ignorant society before they were lock in, what makes you think they have learned anything ? There is alot of broken souls out there. Some are engineers, some are historians and some are lawyers… Everyone needs to be told that they are appriciated and loved. But THEY are responsable of believing in what they are told. It wont happen if they do not trust. But don’t take my word for it.

  21. I just recently got myself out of a relationship with a narcissistic woman. She was someone from my past that I got to know again after 35 years. In the beginning we were 400 miles apart. I made frequent trips to see her and ultimately moved there after a year. Looking back now, from the very beginning I saw the characteristics of narcissism but did not know what they were. It was within a month after I moved in with her that her character was revealed. I took me a year to finally leave her the first time. Stupid me….I moved back 6 months later for a second dose of hell! Long story behind that. But ultimately it all went right back to what it was the first time. After 5 months, I left again and this time is for good. Dealing with the aftermath of that relationship is very difficult. It’s been two months now and I can see I still have a long way to go……

  22. Thank you. Just thank you for the validation. You’ve nailed the signs of narcissism clearly, objectively and discuss complex PTSD so well. It’s good to name the nightmare in order to move forward. I believe in order to move forward, one really needs to be both the patient and therapist! Having websites such as these helps to articulate what was once a nebulous blob of feelings and often inappropriate/self sabotaging actions stemming from such feelings. One needs to feel and analyze simultaneously! Be both lay person and academic. No small feat!

  23. Meant: you’ve named the signs of narcissistic abuse clearly…

  24. I was with him for only 4 years. Felt longer. I finally made the absence from him permanent. Some of it, I don’t remember. Sadly, much of it, I do remember. I sought therapy. Nine years passed. I never dated or had another relationship. I thought I was fine. I’ve since met the most beautiful, sensitive (thank God, VERY sensitive) man a woman could ask for, but something is going on with ME. Sometimes (frequently) I feel like I felt nine years ago. And, no, I am certain I am NOT with another Narcissist. This man is so kind, gentle, sensitive, and very concerned about me. I am so afraid of losing a beautiful relationship b/c I never really dealt with all the feelings after the NA. Has anyone had this happen to you?

    • Yes. I hope I’m managing this post correctly.

      • When I think of the word “trust”, I think of the words “myself”, “people” and “partner”. I will give others the Opportunity, the Motive and the Means to demonstrate the better of themself. I have learned that what ever comme out from that Opportunity belongs to THEM. People are responsable for their choices. If someone chooses to believe an NCR verdict that is based on assumption, they are liable for it no matter who they are.

  25. Wow!! This is a hard read but so defines my life with a narc mother. Never considered PTSD but the symptoms so fit!! My memories of physical abuse returned about 19 months ago. It was a hard realization after that and mostly remembered verbal and emotional abuse to recognize all the hate mom had for me. I did searches online and found out about NPD and that helped me to begin realizing it is not me but her. I have gone through so much anger and grief the last year and a half grieving the loses and the fact my Mom doesn’t love me or anybody, grieving the fact will likely never change, anger and grief over the fact my dad cowered in the corners rather than defending us and then realizing his mom was just like his wife and he is a victim with no escape. In the midst of this process God allowed a miracle of my sister and i reconciling at ages 50 and 55. We had been pitted against one another and told lies, manipulated to point we were enemies. The fact that our self-preservation caused us to throw each other under the bus to not be the one the rages and abuses were targeted upon made it worse. We are now close sisters/friends and able to support each other, encourage, share memories and vent as needed. We have now begun a blog sharing our journey in order to offer hope to other daughters of narcissistic moms.
    I have gone to a great counselor who is helping me to work through the feelings and to recognize what is truth versus Mom’s gaslighting and to enable me to move through the emotional barrage. I am not whole and wonder if i will be that this side of heaven, but I am at a much better place than i have ever been.
    Our blog is at
    http://www.thenarcissistsdaughters.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-who-what-and-why.html

    Keep up this wonderful encouraging site!!

    MelissaChevre

  26. I have been dating my boyfriend for two years now. I am 26, he is 27. He is not my type, but something made me go crazy and I fell completely in love. He turned my life into hell. I was always the best student, a popular girl, super creative and people love me…if I would show up my resume you would think of me as a genius + faithful, always kind to people, laughing and pretty. It took him several months to make myself feel miserable, worthless…he puts me down with “jokes” on a daily basis about the way I dress (he is a geek and I dress like bloggers with style and good taste), about my body (I have 55kg at 165cm…and he 107kg of fat at 189cm), he never gives compliments, unless he has a extremely good day, he makes comments about my friends, he does not cheat, but looks at other girls in front of me and swears on God not to do so. He talks about himself as the most intelligent person alive. He does not function with colleagues, he behaves to his mother as if she is a slave. It happens often that I visit his family and sit at the table with his parents while he almost sleeps on the sofa. He doesn’t spend so much time with me…exception is when he sees me being sad, than the feeling of losing me makes him behave like PERFECT (he buys expensive gifts, organizes surprises, shows affection…) All of those bad moments are 95% of our time, but the believe that the 5% might grow made me stay.

    It took him 1,5 year to tell me he loves me. I never felt connected to him, always have the need to be better for him, so he might love me life I deserve it.

    …it came up to the point where I even had ideas to end my life. I few moths ago I wrote him a very long E-mail describing our relationship with details of my feelings. He always said his last girlfriend cheated on him, so he does not trust after her easily…that made me become patient, but after such a long time I have proven myself, haven’t I? I explained it in that E-mail and broke up. He came to my house crying, his mother called and begged for one more chance. And again, I took him back. It takes 2 weeks for him to say/do something that hurts me over and over again.

    He says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, he buys tickets to travel the world with me, he mentions a engagement ring and our space together one day, he has moments when he is everything a girl could wish for… bit still, when I read this article, everything points at narcisstic abuse and makes sense why I can’t leave him, who my friends/family/intelligence would never date.

    Please help me!

  27. Explains a *LOT*

  28. Wow is all I can say. I literally came across your website on my search a few weeks ago. For 3months I had been in massive internal chaos, inner pain,disconnected, wanting to literally drink myself to death, depression, dragging and I mean dragging myself to work praying that I get through the day. For 3 whole months of massive chaos, just before the Christmas break I broke down crying to a woman in the hall way of my office, telling her that I could not stand my boss and the way he had been treating me this past while. As soon as the words came out, I was just as shocked as she was as I was unaware and fully blaming myself for being a pathetic baby unable to leave the last behind ( traumatic abusive memories from my childhood and my violent father kept flooding my mind in all that time, so I blamed myself for being unable to let go of the past.This in turn triggered anxiety & complex PTSD,I lost all sense of myself, in fact I could not even feel my body. Whereas the truth was my “Intuition was saying Ok we have been here before, look the exact same stituation you faced with a horrifically abusive tyrannical abusive father”)

    Anyway this kind lady took me upstairs in to her office and I sat and poured my heart out,crying my heart out the massive pain my boss had been causing me, the glaring,intimidation,looks,body language,ignoring me shouting and roaring at me in front of the office- the list goes on. And she said “He is a tyrannical Narcisstic- google it ,he sounds just like my husband’. As soon as she mentioned the word “narcisstic, it was like a light bulb went off in my head and all of a sudden I felt calm and realised it was not me.
    I literally ran back to my desk and started googling “narcissism” and Narcissitic Bosses,… WOW- blown away is not the word. All of a sudden everything made sense, my reaction,my body’s reaction , my inner gut feeling. I was not crazy, I was NOT a baby, I was not a victim ,weak,and pathetic. The reality was i was being victimized so my reaction ( even though I was unaware ) was a natural response to the brutality. Hence I came across your facebook page and spent days reading and pouring over every single article.

    I haev so much love and empathy for myself, It was been a massive lesson in LISTENING and paying attention to my feelings. This unawareness has had a profound shift on me, my body is going through a healing phase and I am looking after myself right now.

    My boss!! It takes every fibre of my being not to spit in his face as much as I would like to. I am going to start looking around and get myself out of that situation and far far away from him, I love and respect myself too much that to let toxic unworthy people like that anywhere near my vicinity. I have no respect for him. All last week , I spent most of the week watching him and thinking ” It is soo obvious how did I miss it for 4.5years of working with him. I cant stand him.

    Without a doubt right now if any person triggers massive internal chaos it is a sign for me to run run run as fast I can and do NOT look back.

    Thanks for the article

  29. Unfortunately, I am one of those women with a long history of being involved with and abused by narcissists!! However, I am finally learning about them and why it is I am so “drawn” to them (narcissist father, bpd mother, narcissist ex-husbands and narcissist husband now and narcissist boyfriends and friends)…or is that the other way around?!?! I am not proud of my history, but am so very glad AND indeed thankful to be narc-free, narc-educated and well on my way to healing, health and happiness!! Thank You for the information this website provides!!

  30. Oh my god. You have such clarity on something I am just beginning to grasp myself. Anxiety yes. All kinds of emotions.

  31. Finally…I know I’m not alone and it really wasn’t just “ME”…..I started crying reading this because now I understand that what I went through wasn’t because there was something wrong with me or that I wasn’t good enough….

  32. I would also add as a symptom the irrational fear of undeserved punishment. My narcissistic mother used religion to terrorize me. In her world, the ONLY sin was having an incorrect belief, and she was the sole authority on what is correct. I feared going to hell for displeasing her, or even due to some supernatural “red tape” snafu in which God had me confused with someone else. I have always feared being unjustly arrested and thrown into prison. And I constantly worry about “getting in trouble” at work.

  33. Can you rewrite this specifically for children of abusive parents? What you wrote here is perfect, but my psyche wants to fight what you are saying because I was never OK.

    I am just suggesting a separate article where you reword phrases like,

    doubting yourself more than you ever have before?

    before a narcissist, I’ve not once in my life, FELT CRAZY.

    This is not because anything you have written is incorrect, just that people who have been abused since they have existed have the feeling of inferiority so ingrained in their brain that something written specifically for them could be the proverbial “straw that breaks the camels back” and finally lets them realize that their parents are the problem and not themselves. I was 33 years old before I realized this and anything that can be done to help people sooner could save lives.

  34. he’s workaholic, critical, arrogant, self-centered, and ambitious about his fame and studys. he said once that his priorities were always college and his YouTube cover videos first, and then relationship. how do you know if he is a narcissist or just didn’t like me enough to work it? we’ve been together for 8 months and I’ve had enough, but i can’t tell if the problem was mine by giving always more into this commitment emotionally, and he never give enough of it, sometimes it was just none emotion. i always felt for months that something was not right, but i couldn’t know quite right what or why, so i kept testing him, and I’ve seen the worst behavior from him. My friends were always saying to me that i should break up (that he’s to selfish, he want different things, and he’s not right for me) but i ignored it, and i tried to do something about it… but it only it got worst. i only saw the real him, when i finally wanted to broke up for real… he started to disrespect me, he disrespected my mother (when i always gave my house for us to do our thing, since we are gay and he wasn’t out of the closet in public or to his parents – he said that was no problem at all for us to work out as a relationship) and was always putting me down professionally and calling me a kid (that was the only arguments he always had), and i decided to finally break up….

    he wanted to stay friends, but i said no, it’s obvious we need space to move on each other and he didn’t even respected me enough to be a friend or respect us not to talk for some months now, what the hell was he thinking? I tried and tried, but i couldn’t reach him, and i still don’t know why. i always gave him space for his life and all other stuff, so i can’t say i was obsessed or anything. when i ended it was a relief, but it’s been a month and it’s been harder then i though. i can tell if it was just me that wasn’t enough for him to love me, and give just like i gave within time, or if he’s a narcissist and i simply couldn’t do nothing anymore, since people never change. he only experience was one relationship that he was cheated, 3 years ago, and it seems that he didn’t let go of it too… not that he still likes him, but i feel his anger about it, resentment for being cheated and thats the excuse he uses for him to be so cold and not believing on the emotional side, and only rational. why was he in this relationship with me after all this time? lol. i believed that it was only a matter of time to get more emotional, but i guess it was a bullshit, and i was only blind. he somehow tricked me to let my self-esteem go down with his general critics about everything, for me to get adapted to him to save this relationship (i tried to end the relationship other times, i just didn’t end it because i was blinded about him), and i forgot to listen to my voice… i feel so stupid.

    he has a HUGE ego, that’s why i think he can learn or ear me out when i say he has big problems to resolve with himself as a person. he goes out on the street, and he thinks hes famous everywhere in my country just because of some cover videos he does on YouTube with 1,000 views or less daily. He leaves in a reality that he is better than everyone, he puts himself on a pedestal not only with me, but people in general. (his teachers, partners of work, etc).

    i was blinded by his ways… i didn’t know exactly what was wrong, i just felt it. i just though he was insecure, scared (since the lack of experience with relationships and was cheated last time), so i fighted for the relationship, and tried to pull him off the square he lives in. but anyway, i did a research, and i think i can agree with some topics about “the codependent”… is it my fault, for me to be like this, who damaged the relationship? i always had my opinion on things, although, i was always corrected by him in the end, he was always right about everything… i started to shut my mouth, because he said i was always starting fights, when i was just speaking my mind of what i think it was wrong generally.

    It’s been a really painful phase of my life, with so much happening in my professional life, i feel i can’t focus anymore, or feel like doing anything at all at the end of the day.

    Recently i’ve came to know he is inviting fans to go to the cinema with him on Facebook, how lame is that? Lol. Even yesterday, after 1month and 2 weeks of no contact with him, he added me on GooglePlus, and i think it was on purpose?! All i wanted was him to say sorry, at least, and it would be so much better for me to go on… i’m afraid to see him with another guy, doing all the things he never did with me, like love him and treat him right? can a selfish/narcissist have that? he never did say he loved me though. i’m confused between if he never said he loved me, so all this happened, or he really is narcissist and he can’t love me. oh well.

    help me on this one, thanks.

  35. I badly need help. I am living with a, what I suspect of, is an old nasty narcissistic uncle. I cannot bear this any longer. He’s such a control freak, critical of your actions, and words. He expects pure obedience, and agreement is a must. You must walk his way, if not he’ll be furious. I thought of movin away but I am not prepared yet. He likes to be praised for his stupid and unitelligible intelligence, and expects people to ‘worship’ his idiotic and deviant ideas. He’s fit to become a leader of a cult. And I don’t like him, his ways, his face, his voice, his actions, and anything about him. He brags about his professional life, but he’s a failure in many ways. He tries to blind himself from the truth. He’s a supporter of dictatorships and communism. He makes people go crazy and always threaten us financially, emotionally, and mentally. With what he is freakin doin with us, I felt I am going crazy. His craziness makes me mad. And I am really tired of him. I thought of harming him. But still, I have this little respect for such a child trapped in an old man’s body. He’s lonely, dry, and life is sucked dry. I don’t know what’s really going on. Sometimes, I just wonder if he is the problem or is it just me who is the real problem. I’m a guy, and I don’t know if it’s proper to voice this out for some people of the world to know.

  36. Reblogged this on Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD and commented:
    I have never thought about whether I have Narcissistic Victim Syndrome as well as PTSD and Complex PTSD.

    It would seem I do, and it is pretty obvious I would.

  37. 7. Silence. You’re willing to tell people that he was sometimes mean, that you had “communication issues”, that you weren’t happy, even that he was a jerk during the breakup… But the idea of actually saying the words ” narcissistic abuse ” makes you cringe – you know that many of your mutual friends, who have been mysteriously silent about the breakup, would never believe you.

  38. I am a 42 year old female with four kids and have been I a relationship for 13 years.Over the years I am constenly told what a useless parent I am,I am a control freak , a abuser and called a narccisist .
    This has drained the life out of me as I am always doubting myself and thinking sm I really all of this and just can’t see it.
    He has mood swings one day he is happy and the next it’s all war , I am at the point when he starts going off I just want to punch him in the face and I begin thinking all these awful thoughts like wishing when he drove out he would get into a car accident and never return .Now I sound crazy but it’s hurting my kids as they constantly accused of doing stuff and as for me I sometimes just want to go to sleep and never wake up please give me some advice.

    • Work on your own happiness. Know that you are stronger now because you can walk away. I read this book called I can heal my life by Louise Hayes and it’s really helped me find peace.

  39. This post really comforted me as I have always considered myself a kind, compassionate, loving person – that is what my narc claimed had attracted him to me initially. However, now 4 years later and I feel like all of that has been robbed from me by my narc. Plus, he messed with my mind and triggered every single one of my vulnerabilities and my Achilles heel so directly that I feel that I truly did become crazy as I acted out in ways so uncharacteristic of me and so shameful. I still can’t explain how this happened and I’m aching that I let this guy get the best of me and turn me into someone I am not but mostly, I am SO angry that he ended up discarding me because I am ‘crazy’ and unhealthy, whereas he dismissed everything I called him out on (cheating, lying, being unkind, …) and never once owned or apologized for his actions or treatment of me. How can I release that anger and subsequent shame for letting myself behave in a crazy way due to being provoked nonstop and finally exploding? Any advice please.

  40. Why are narcissists such liars? I am suffering from PTSD at the moment, and I see that I was lucky to detach after only four months, because I could have married the ugy. Red flags? We were having a humorous conversation one day and while we were laughing he said, “Ha, ha, ha, you funny little shiiiit.” If your man calls you a piece of excrement is the relationship over? YES. I should have hung up even then, instead of excusing his outburst as a “something that slipped out while we were laughing.” I knew better, but I didn’t do the right thing. Next, he implied that others perceived me as ugly: “But, you’re beautiful to ME.” I couldn’t understand why he kept saying that, as I had just that day been asked by a cosmetics firm to appear as a model at an international hair show, and since college, I have been photographed for photo books many times. I never got a chance to tell him much about myself, including my modelling career as he was always talking about his plans to rule the world. (Oh, and he apparently discovered on his own that the X-Men comics were based on the Civil Rights Movement). Apparently, he was misinterpreting my saying, “I don’t feel beautiful all the time,” which is a true reflection of my feelings about myself, as an indication that I had low self-esteem. Being an insidious creature, he seized upon his misunderstanding of my words as evidence and opportunity. Days later, he came out with a long-winded “analysis” about how my mother rejected me because I wasn’t pretty. I had never told him that she did that. Where is this coming from? He also implied during that conversation that we had never spent any time together and that we were on our first date. Our first date was a 5 hour long talk, six months earlier, and I met three of his children. Oh, Lord.

  41. I believe this is what has happened to me but am unsure. I think it has gone on so longand I have forgot many of the early indicators as they just became the way it is. You lose your energy to stand up to it and now that you are the sick one you doubt yourself even more. But you can’t free yourself because your have responsibility to your family, kids to make it work. But you don’t know how or even want to. And you wonder if the kids would be better off with separating. How do you prove to yourself or another that narcissistic abuse is truly what is going on? Its all so muttled. How do you proceed?

  42. Luka Croatia

    I have been suffering from PTSD and every else disorder that was caused by my narcissistic father and psychopatic narcissist coworker.Whole my life i thought that something is wrong with me.Sometimes I think that I am going crazy,confused,disoriented,mad….This disorder(NPD) is sent directly from hell to destroy people who have love,compassion towards other people.We must endure,Jesus is the only way.I asked Jesus I was praying to Him why do I feel this way constantly joyless,fatigued,hopless…And then,boom,got the answer.My prayers are with aal of you

  43. Wow this put a lot to light. I could never figure out why I felt so low all the time. I’m young fit and get hit on all the time, but I’ve always felt so wrong about this relationship. I’d try to be better to maybe show him how much I lived and cared about him. Looks like that doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters in the relationship are his feelings of security. He can only accomplish feeling good about himself by putting others (me) down. It started with rude jokes, then saying things like I suck at life. I mentioned getting an education and he laughed at me as if I wasn’t good enough for school. He won’t apologize for hurting me or acting out when he’s drunk. He’s becoming more secretive now obviously in attempts to mess with my head and pursue another relationship.

    Reading the history of how these things tend to evolve through childhood, it makes sense. He was a momma’s boy with a brilliant mind. His mom made him give up everything to pursue an education when he just wanted to be a normal kid. Growing accustomed to self sacrifice in order to fulfill your parents happiness as a child seems to be the beginning of this behavior. Needless to say he’s incredibly wealthy, and that doesn’t help my case either.

    Thank you for the article! It’s really helped me.

  44. I was raised by one. Got it for most of my life, never knew. Just felt less than for no reason. Then as an adult, it felt like being pushed off a cliff while still tied to her apron strings. With her looking down at me wondering I couldn’t fly.

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  46. After suffering a complete and terrifying mental breakdown two years ago, I thought I was okay again, but recently was getting terrible voices in my head again, but am now taking the right drugs to control it. The point is I never knew what caused this mental illness in me, until yesterday strangely enough when I finally FINALLY realized my “husband” is a cruel, emotionally abusive narcissist who had been playing his mental illness onto me. He criticises, undermines, threatens, and yells in the most terrifying way. He is also a drunk which created some very frightening experiences in the past. It is very hard to cope with especially as we have a beautiful nine year old daughter. Because I only started reading about this yesterday I am still in shock. Luckily to some extent my daughter and I have moved to Taiwan to be next to his mother (she is no joy though) while he stays working in China, although I am not free of him yet (he still comes back four times a year), I will soon start a new teaching job which is lifting my self-confidence and helping me be around other people whereas I was very isolated and desperate when we first moved here. Of course the narcissist had no sympathy for how difficult it was moving to a foreign country with no friends or family as he in fact insisted on it.

    Even as I am typing this I still am finding it very difficult to accept which of course is the first stage to getting rid of him out of my life. I am worried about my daughter as my father was abusive to my mother and this may have led me into a marriage with an abusive man. I don’t want my daughter to follow the same pattern, so I hate her being around her father although she misses him. I am terrified of any making up with this malevolent monster so need to stay strong. I would very much like to be in contact with people who have suffered from narcissistic abuse or who are going through it now. I’m not sure how to go about this. Can anybody help?

  47. I have difficulties trusting people, due to being raised by extremely narcissistic parents who would put me down for being honest about myself, even when I was as young as three or four. And for some reason, a number of the people I’ve met later in life have solidified that distrust, continuing to teach me that opening myself up is dangerous and bound to lead to hurt.

    While I still have trouble trusting people, I’ve found that one way to break the Narcissist’s Spell, is to open your most vulnerable spots up to them, and dispassionately note their response.

    I wanted to give a narcissist a last chance because I was young and had deep emotions I couldn’t let go (sounds like many here have been in that exact situation), and told him something dark, private, and vulnerable about my family life when I was growing up–something I had never told anyone else. This was the last chance, I felt it intuitively. His response would tell me what kind of person he was, and if he could ever show me love or kindness when I truly needed love and kindness. His response to my meaningful and personal tale was: He ignored it. IGNORED IT. If the topic wasn’t about validating him, or something he could use in attempt to manipulate me, it wasn’t a worthy topic. “I just told you something deeply personal and disturbing.” I said to him. Again, he brushed it off, making light of it. “I’ve made some poor choices in my life,” I said, describing him. He didn’t defend himself, he didn’t reverse or even show any latent caring.

    That broke the spell. I realized then and there, he truly did not care about me AT ALL. While depressing, it liberated me from the entire song and dance routine Narcissists do, stringing you along, never giving you what you truly deserve, but keeping the hope alive that someday they will care and treat you well.

    Just sharing my POV. I think this could be a helpful tactic for those who are trapped in the web of a Narcissist. While definitely emotionally raw, it exposes their front to the light of Truth, and there’s nowhere to hide then. When I was growing up, undergoing so much parental abuse and their put-downs, a small part of me still held out hope that my parents loved me, and even though they were destroying me, that they still cared for me. In romantic entanglements, the deep intimacy that sex and romance can bring, that attitude showed itself in a way that it didn’t in other parts of life.

    Try this tactic. It really does work. DEMAND that you be cared for, and let the garden weed itself. He didn’t care.

  1. Pingback: SIGNS THAT YOU’VE BEEN ABUSED BY A NARCISSIST | The Moth to the Flame

  2. Pingback: Narcissistic abuse (NPD abuse) | Ekahidioltas

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