Author Archives: ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse
SO important for all of us to understand and embrace because this is very true for survivors of this abuse. It is NOT something that you just get over – that is why it is called a ‘recovery process’ and time is a major part of the process to get there. Never let anyone diminish your recovery by telling you to “just get over it” or “YOU need to move on!”
SO important for all of us to understand and embrace because this is very true for survivors of this abuse. It is NOT something that you just get over – that is why it is called a ‘recovery process’ and time is a major part of the process to get there. Never let anyone diminish your recovery by telling you to “just get over it” or “YOU need to move on!”
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
We do not JUST move on! We talk and voice our concerns because we first need to be heard, we educate ourselves about this abuse so we KNOW what we are dealing with, we reach out for sound support, we strive DAILY to move forward, we feel pain and betrayal that we need to reconcile, we do deep introspection to purge the poison of this abuse out of our heart, mind and soul, we create STRONG boundaries to never allow this abuse into our lives again, we have to learn how to trust again so we can go back to a healthy emotional life, we disconnect from this Narcissist (heart, mind and soul) and with NO/minimal contact, AND we work on this EVERY day of our lives until we get healthy again – this is a process that requires time – not just simple words to JUST MOVE ON. Those words just add another level of abuse by invalidating, silencing, and isolating us. There is NO magical cure that will fix us immediately! TOGETHER we heal!
So, a little bit more of the reprograming aspect to start out on this journey to recovery:
Really the most important aspect is convincing ourselves that this was a Narcissist. Until we get there we will only remain in a confused state, blaming ourselves and reaching back to find out what WE did wrong. This only adds our own layers to this abuse. YIKES!! What I can say through my experience is that everything does fall into place, but the process takes education, time, real support from other targets/victims and a great deal of energy to purge all the negativity out of us before we move forward. Do not forget we can and will fall backwards and that again is just part of the process and we learn from our mistakes. There is also the overwhelming exhaustion from carrying so much anxiety and the trauma, and that surfaces as physical ailments. So, so much to deal with and then there is more than likely a ‘smear campaign’ that is waiting for us and SUDDENLY we are the bad guy.
Who could EVER believe the truth that presented itself to us and lives in us about this abuse and how someone just used us for the time they did and how they were inclined to destroy us as well? It is still hard for me to accept, but I know better because I lived through it and the truth is right there to back it up. What I cannot believe is that there are human beings capable of this and as a normal person with empathy it is not within my realm to understand them! That says a great deal within my words. If after experiencing and recovering from this abuse it is still hard for a person of empathy to get it completely. But what I learned is that I do not have to ‘get it’ so completely, I just have to understand it and accept the truth to forget about that Narcissist because they are what they are and that HAS to be enough. Knowing and believing this enables you to move forward and work on everything else that involves getting healthy. Do not waste your time on getting into their heads, or trying to understand them, or trying to fix THEM because you are only denying the truth YOU ALREADY KNOW! It is now time for you to get past this psychological abuse so you can enter back into a great world feeling healthy! It is a necessity to focus on yourself!
When you came out of this you felt like you were in a fog, or better yet that your reality was altered and basically it was through the slow process of brainwashing and the manipulation from your perpetrator. You are traumatized, confounded, and confused and wondering what hit you squarely in the brain. We are functioning, but not as we once did. If we were the person, we were before this abuse we would have had a much clearer perspective AFTER discard, but unfortunately we are not that person anymore. We have gained the knowledge, but we are vulnerable and damaged, so we really struggle.
We were not in denial in the beginning we were tricked, conned, manipulated, etc. But here is the point we also never realized this in its entirety while we were with them and WHY? Well because the agenda of the Narcissist was not apparent, and the manipulation was subtle and consistent. We were always drawn back into the abuse through Narcissistic magic or trickery. Day by day we were managed down more and more through the Narcissist’s vast arsenal of tools to the point that we were not in our original state of conscious thinking – our reality was altered by our perpetrator so they could harvest us as supply!
One last point! So many times, our family seems like they do not care. This may be true for some, but for the most part remember that our stories are incredulous and personal to us. They do not know how deep the abuse is and deeply rooted in our subconscious OR even understand what it is. It is not as personal to them as it is to us. We would have to drag them through every day of the abuse while we were living it for them to actually get it – and to explain it would take just as long. They would also have to experience every day that we grieve (after the discard) to see how isolated and disconnected we have become because of the abuse. It doesn’t say that it is OK for people to shun us because it all sounds so unreal, BUT they do know, and they would be there for you when you really needed them. Nobody can understand how the target/victim needs to keep repeating things over and over again because it is within this process that targets/victims purge the abuse outward. Our voice is the tool for others to hear to gain support as well as to vocalize and actualize the truth. There is no closure with these creatures, so how do we become validated? We search for that validation through our voices until we find something that we can turn to that HELPS. Without validation we will just run in a circle chasing our tails. We do eventually find validation within our personal truths.
We are very inquisitive creatures, and we know none of what happened to us can be ALL of our fault! We were not problematic in our other relationships, or mentally ill, insane AND everything else we were led to believe – SO WHAT IS UP? That is what gets us out there searching on the internet, or seeking support through the behavioral sciences, etc. But once we start traveling through all of the questions and confusion, we find some answers and usually when we hear the real stories of survivors or other victims. We start to see the similarities and find the validation we deserve.
You are an amazing person that can change and move onto a healthy recovery. It is a process that requires time. It is time to accept the reality that this was situational abuse and to take YOUR power back by discarding EVRYTHING about this Narcissist out of your world and life and that starts with no/minimal contact. The next step is gaining all the knowledge and support you can by using your voice to speak out and ask questions. Other victims and survivors will help move you through your recovery. Together we heal. Greg
So important to understand the reason behind this, and that is to deny our sanity, make us feel that WE have ISSUES about most everything, and even deny our existence!
So important to understand the reason behind this, and that is to deny our sanity, make us feel that WE have ISSUES about most everything, and even deny our existence! Narcissistic Amnesia – I NEVER said that! YOU are overreacting! You are making this all up! The only thing they conveniently forget is telling the truth of what they do and who they are – because it is all part of the components of their control and ABUSE! More TOOLS of the Narcissists trade. Rewriting history, diverting, constant lying, and intentionally denying what they have said or done, or as the meme says – toxic Narcissistic amnesia. Remember also that this is GASLIGHTING too.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
Their conversations and interactions are not meant to connect or enlighten, but to confuse, deny, control, invalidate, and consistently create drama. They are a huge VOID, working to get whatever they can from you – basically they extort life and lives. They expect you to lend a listening ear and give them complete approval. They use emotional withdraw and silencing to create guilt, compliance, and control. They will betray personal information and secrets to feel more powerful. They will manipulate and use flattery or protests of their innocence (crying, pleading, and begging) like a stealth weapon to achieve their agenda and get their way. They will use verbal skills to block or deflect accountability for their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle and sift blame onto YOU. They impact lives negatively but miraculously escape exposure even appearing to have some positive effect and you end up the negative aspect of the relationship with them.
Think about this connection/relationship — on one side of the spectrum there is us ‘believing’ that there is relevance and reality to the relationship. On the other side is the Narcissist that does not have ANY connection to us emotionally and our relevance is nothing more than that of an object that serves them. Remember they have MANY tools they use that boils down to horrendous manipulation, gaslighting, out and out lies, emotional and psychological abuse, etc. Clinically we call this cognitive dissonance – or as I simply put it – when we learn that the truth is a lie, and the lies are the truth as it concerns a Narcissist.
OK so the nitty gritty to help you understand how a human being can be like this! Narcissists do not live in the real world OR a real world. Again, they live in their own world made up of fantasy, lies, rewriting history, gaslighting, denial, delusions, deceit, and perversion. They have their own reality that everyone that has any part of their life must accept or they will be deemed crazy, punished, and even destroyed – unfortunately, we do not see this right away. They live in a world where they make up all the rules and then break all the rules. In this world everyone must think just like them or better yet approve everything that the Narcissist does without question or prejudice. If you are a part of their life, you can never reflect upon YOUR individuality OR anything that would reveal their true Identity or ask for accountability.
Once again to drive the point home – living or participating in their world will ALWAYS involve gas-lighting, betrayal, pathological lying, isolation, triangulation, backstabbing, smearing, silencing, isolation, extreme manipulation, and abuse so they can keep their false identity in place and establish control over their target/victim. You constantly must tip toe around the Narcissist’s fragile ego to keep them happy so that their true identity and nature doesn’t rear its ugly face. Living in their world is like walking through a field of land mines or hidden bombs and you never know when they will explode but when they do the Narcissist is always there detonating them! THERE IS NOTHING OF VALUE IN THIS CONNECTION OR RELATIONSHIP – except saving your sanity and life by getting out and away from this abuser.
It is a distorted land of make believe and everything is fine as far as the Narcissist is concerned because it totally serves them. BUT it is a land of horrible secrets and painful lies. THE ONLY truth is a relative truth based on what YOU may believe the relationship really is. YOUR relationship IS ONLY held together through fear, guilt, and obligation – that and being a source of supply to this Narcissist until they find a replacement.
The Narcissist sabotages everything and everyone because NOBODY can be better or do better than the NARCISSIT! It is a place where your dreams will die quickly, and your self-esteem and self-worth die along with them. It is a place where friendship, family connections, care, or love exists at all! No/minimal contact. Knowledge, education, and clarity are imperative to start on your journey to recovery. Greg
That extreme confusion from that constant back and forth ‘CHARM to HARM’ or clinically what is called ‘cognitive dissonance.’
That extreme confusion from that constant back and forth ‘CHARM to HARM’ or clinically what is called ‘cognitive dissonance.’ How we get manipulated and stuck in between the complete POLAR OPPOSITES of the Charm and Harm! A Narcissist intentionally inflicts this duality upon us to keep us confused, disoriented, constantly performing for them, and walking on those eggshells, but we NEVER find any sense of reality as far as OUR part in this relationship with them!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
This is a person we cared for, loved, or basically believed in no matter what the relationship was! But they demeaned us, hurt us, and made us feel wrong and worthless! How can both of these things coexist and be true. What did we believe in that now makes us feel so confused and lost – is it us? NO this is what emotional and psychological abusers do to people – tear their victims down piece by piece to control them. It is NOT you it is ALL them and the abuse situation! Unfortunately, we bonded with them and that tugs at our heart and messes without mind and makes it so hard to cross that bridge to the REAL truth that they abused us.
Most every conversation you have or had with them always seemed to leave you confused and drained. You and ONLY you were left with the burden of trying to figure out what they have said or basically what the heck just happened. It was like a hit and run accident and you are/were left in shock trying to gain a foothold of the incident. A basic conversation would go from zero to a hundred miles per hour and in a direction that put you in the path of an unavoidable crash, AND you were not able to control the direction you were headed in. FACT – it was meant to be that way!
You ask yourself how did this all start and what led up to it? You will end up spending hours, or perhaps even days, obsessing over the intent of the message or argument. You exhaust all your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing – it was pre-planned to be this way by the Narcissist. There does not seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but there is as far as it concerns the Narcissist that is controlling you. They do not care so there is no reality – but on the other hand YOU believed in this person and do/did care. You are left at such a conflicting place with polar opposite thoughts that only confound and confuse you – so you only try or tried harder to fix what you couldn’t.
Let’s look at this confusion. Everything they have absorbed or learned about you was being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to charm you because they know your likes and they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no you in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel ridiculously small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!
So, what about these ridiculous and crazy arguments, etc. You could have NEVER kept up with the original conversation (or argument) in a realistic manner because it was basically nonsensical in your mind and had no real basis of reality. But it served a purpose as far as the Narcissist is concerned to deflect from something or the other, or there was an agenda to it, or to demean and dehumanize you – control, control, CONTROL. BUT it served its purpose because it confounded or confused you and forced you to process the CRAZY information with no real success. You will have many rebuttals going on in your head AFTER THE FACT because you feel a need to defend yourself or rationalize what happened. Basically, you are trying to fix the situation, but was it an argument because you really didn’t do anything but yet you feel like you did something, BUT WHAT IS IT YOU DID??
BAM, this is exactly the place a Narcissist wants you to go to – total confusion and insanity – THIS is the emotional/psychological abuse that disabled you. They have drawn from the vast wealth of knowledge they have gained from observing you and use it consistently to maneuver you into a place of confusion and isolation. There are many reasons behind each of these scenarios, but they are basically to manage you down and to control you. However, you will try to resolve this because you feel you need to address what happened and more than likely to defend yourself hoping for resolution but in the end, you’ll find that you are the person apologizing. After a while, these crazy arguments will have you stuck in the confusion so much so that you have lost all perspective of your relationship, as well as your value in the relationship. You are always responding to the Narcissist’s crazy making and never participating in a reciprocal or real relationship. You are being emotionally and psychologically abused! Again, this is because of the bond we have with them – or the bond we were manipulated into believing and what keep us or kept us attached at the hip trying to find cohesiveness where there was NONE!
With all that being said, your mind is always trying to process a duality that exists – you care or love them and believe in them but on the other hand you don’t like what they do to you and you find yourself buried under all of this confusion. How can the person you have come to care or love and vice versa, have changed so drastically? They have not changed; you are only seeing the truth about who and what they are. You just do not completely get it yet. What exists is cognitive dissonance. In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values. The theory of cognitive dissonance focuses on how we strive for internal consistency. When inconsistency (dissonance) is experienced, individuals tend to become psychologically uncomfortable and they are motivated to attempt to reduce this dissonance, as well as actively avoiding the situations and information which are likely to increase it. The struggle exists within loving this monster and trying to avoid the unavoidable and consistent managing down (or the dissonance.) How do you avoid this when there is a bond or love is the reality that you are hanging onto?
So again – whatever they may have done to you was done with intent no matter how it may have hurt you AND they just do not care and feel justified in their actions. There is no real relationship or love as far as the Narcissist is concerned. They live in a perverted and out of control world and take whatever they can from people with NO CONCERN to the harm they inflict on anybody else. AGAIN, WE MUST UNDERSTAND that there is no real relationship with them! We BELIEVE there is BUT we are all just taking our turn as supply and even though we are their PRIMARY source that still doesn’t mean that it is real by any means.
So, in a nutshell what does this cognitive dissonance do to us on our journey forward? You start the process of recovery in disbelief, fear, and shock! The shock in essence numbs you temporarily from going completely insane by giving you the ability to separate yourself from the totality of this disaster or some breathing room – it is nature’s sedative. Once the dust settles though you start to see the whole picture standing before you and now reality sets in. As you are setting out on this journey your emotions are going to be overwhelming as you try to understand all of this and they get in the way and confuse you. You are trying to sort through pure chaos, and you may respond to it with tremendous ambivalence, anger, hatred, vengefulness, and MANY other negative feelings. Along with this you will be doing some deep soul searching trying to put perspective on so many opposing thoughts that do not correlate with the care or love you believed in AND it creates a huge void and a great sense of being so lost and alone in all of this.
You must constantly tell yourself and reinforce that this was not a normal or real person that COULD care, love, or bond with you. You must accept that it was a huge lie and most importantly that it had nothing to do with you because the Narcissist managed you down to believe that you are to blame and the disordered one! You must accept that it did happen to you and there is no rhyme nor reason to it because Narcissists are character disordered and in a class of their own. They are dangerous to human beings and destructive and you are so FORTUNATE to be FREE of them (in time you will clearly see this). You are a testament to the very reality and truth that YOU have experienced their psychological abuse and have been severely damaged by a relationship with them. You have to completely switch off from thoughts that pull you into believing they will change, or you can fix them – YOU CAN’T!
Now you must actualize that there is so much goodness in you and seriously that is what this Narcissist wanted to own and destroy and that is why they targeted and disabled temporarily. You ARE a good person and probably an AMAZING person so do not ever lose touch with this because the Narcissist told you differently. They are disordered and negative and they live with this premise to make everyone else around them unstable by managing them down. THIS is what psychopaths do to their targets, manage them down to nothingness to control them.
You have to create a discipline to stop looking at the ‘what ifs’ or ‘could I have done this or that’ or that somehow you caused this abhorrent treatment. You must stop yourself from trying to obtain information about what they are doing through social media OR trying to make any type of contact with them. You seriously must just stop thinking about them as being anything real to you and concentrate on YOU. Tell yourself that this is DONE! Yes, there are situations that you must stay in contact with them, but again you must separate the emotions and break the chain that binds you to their psychopathy and keep it to the business at hand. Ask yourself what it is you would want back (as in fixing the relationship?) Do you want to enter back into the abuse to experience more dehumanization, lies, betrayal and extortion? No of course not! Lock into this message and put your happiness first!
Now as far as connecting to the reasons WHY you were the target of this disordered Narcissist – in a nutshell it is because they are predators after prey pure and simple. With this type of encounter with horrendous abuse we have a strong desire to re-evaluate our life and behavior. Again, this is normal and can be progressive in your recovery because it is your desire and ability to grow, transcend and move forward. The encounter will provide a spark to grow and evaluate your inner self to correct anything that kept you tied to the abuse and you will correct all of that with introspection and boundaries – but that will happen once you traveled through the truth that this was abuse and you are no longer vulnerable and caught up in the distorted emotions and confusion. Acceptance will move you forward, anything else will pull you right back into the confusion as well as more abuse and you will only have to start at square one AGAIN! No/minimal contact to start this important journey. You can and WILL get through this confusion if you empower yourself with knowledge, education, support from other victims/survivors for clarity, and using your voice to gain the information you need to move forward! Greg
The Never Ending and Confusing Maze with a Narcissist! Let’s find the way through this confusion and completely OUT with CLARITY!
The Never Ending and Confusing Maze with a Narcissist! Let’s find the way through this confusion and completely OUT with CLARITY!
A Narcissist clearly crosses the boundaries of defying another person’s human rights and dignity, so much so it is clearly classified as psychological abuse. They tear down a person’s psychological well-being in such an insidious manner that the target becomes completely vulnerable, unprotected, and attacked like a predator chasing and tiring out its prey to immobilize it.
Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there.
Attacking your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your “buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.”.
The Narcissist can and will even go so far as always threatening “your security” with them which could include ending the relationship if you do not conform, dating other people, affairs, silencing or use other controlling terrorist/fear tactics.
They are very unpredictable with their day-to-day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable/normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos and gas-lighting!).
This behavior is damaging, and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what is expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused, and controlled waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO act so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is control to keep you constantly disabled.
They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain CONTROL over you. Be it making fun of us, belittling us, criticizing us, name calling, screaming at us, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making us the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you. They must have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.
Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above) – somewhere you are LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong, and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give, it is never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you do not fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.
Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled, and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts, and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!
A Narcissist does not acknowledge individuality or even like other people (remember we are just objects to use.) Along with this premise the Narcissist does not care about being liked – THEY DEMAND to be admired, feared, and favored, (as well as completely extorting their targets to get supply.) They do not care about getting along with people, and a Narcissist is no more capable of considering the consequences of their actions than a rock would. There is no consideration for anybody or anything with a Narcissist and nothing is ever about whatever it REALLY is, instead it is always all about their omnipotence, superiority, or ego instead or their fake façade. They MUST exploit EVERY single interaction with us to gratify THEIR needy ego at your ego’s expense or even DESTRUCTION. There is no end to it. It is exasperating and you never get through that brick wall a Narcissist throws up in front of you constantly, so always remember how much time you have tried to break down barriers to “fix” things. Everything would just bounce back to you as more blame and shame from the Narcissist. It was a relationship that was meant to deny you every bit of gratification or any “giving” from the Narcissist and instead “taking” every bit of gratification (supply) they could for their vast needy void.
This is the reality with a Malignant Narcissist be it a wife, husband, partner, brother, sister, friend, mother, father or whomever. There is and never was ANY type of a real relationship, just time lost with a disordered, destructive, and abusive person and great loss. There is no closure to this abuse because there is no real person, so we only have the sad truth to embrace to start us out on a realistic path of recovery AND yes heal and join life again. Any interaction with a Narcissist is ALWAYS damaging and destructive to people – that is why we are all here sharing to educate and help resolve these issues with all targets. Say NO to that Narcissist with NO or minimal contact and start on YOUR journey Forward! Greg
The ‘strategy and technique’ behind the Narcissist’s dialect to program, manage down and diminish their victims.
The ‘strategy and technique’ behind the Narcissist’s dialect to program, manage down and diminish their victims. Narcissists will simply bait you with their conversations constantly managing you down to keep you confused and off balance. Communication is their tool to program, manipulate and deceive people and life. Let us understand this and put a real perspective on the Narcissist’s ‘SPIN’ that they put on everything!
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
Narcissists will simply bait you with their conversations to constantly manage you down to keep you confused, off balance, and to CONTROL you. Just within a normal conversation it almost seems like they are testing you, assessing you, setting you up and that causes you to constantly walk on those eggshells and explaining yourself. They are gauging your reactions to see just how far they can push you to the edge to get a chaotic reaction – that even includes the OCCASIONAL charm or love bombing or simply different types of baiting you (positive and negative) or simply diversions.
With those ‘chaotic’ messages, they want you to react emotionally and after they bait you AND get a reaction, they will tell YOU to calm down, or say you are overreacting and make you internalize their disappointment with you – it is like a double whammy. They want the upper hand always to feel in control so the whole point of this is to get you unhinged and they can and will get down and dirty to achieve this – it is CONTROL to steal your power away and to empower themselves. Conversations are always a competition with them just like everything else with a Narcissist and you are always left out in left field with no real clue because normal people are not always in a competition with other people like a Narcissist is. Think of it like this – it would be like the Narcissist purposely punching you and then getting angry at YOU and making you wrong for reacting to the harm they have inflicted on you.
They will use actions as well to drive their point home with you. Suddenly they are not paying attention to you, or they are very eager to get you off the phone. They will cancel a plan or just disappear without an explanation or basically isolating you and silencing you for no apparent reason. It is akin to distancing themselves from you to get a reaction and again so that YOU react. This pulls you RIGHT BACK INTO their chaos and feeling confused and overthinking again. When they return you calmly confront or question their actions and receive a resounding “I’m SICK of always arguing with you – WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??” Well, you never started an argument in the first place, you were only reacting in a manner to create some sort of cohesive understanding AND peace, but the Narcissist hones in on your confusion (and reactions) and labels them as arguments. They have successfully manipulated you right into their game to make you believe that YOU are to blame and a defective person. They will more than likely verbalize this to you as well because they love those harmful words. They do this as often as they can and over time it is disabling and destructive to you because it erodes your worth, self-esteem, and your personality or individualism. It is CONTROL pure and simple!
So, another example of this chaotic baiting – let us use the example that they cheated on you or they are just being cruel to you. They will not directly address accountability for THEIR part, the truth, or the reality of the situation but instead they will bring up something totally unrelated from the past that YOU have done wrong. It is sort of like a comparison to divert or deflect from their horrendous actions and basically justify what they have done (get away with it unscathed). It goes like this – because YOU have done something in the past that they know about – they are trying to relate to YOUR situation as WORSE than whatever they did and somehow this makes THEM better and above accountability for what they have done – sinister move! It is their way of keeping score, but they are always the winners because they are the scorekeeper. Perhaps you sincerely admitted to something you had done wrong in your past and you shared it even showing regrets for your actions. They will hold you hostage to this and accountable to whatever it was YOU did (even if it did not concern them) and then whatever they did really is not all that bad compared to your actions. So, do not you even DARE to hold them accountable or complain about what they did because they are going to bring up your indiscretion(s) from the past! This is not a normal resolution this is deceptive manipulation on their part to shore up their lies and actions and a Narcissistic diversion and deflecting from the truth.
Again, all of this is done to put YOU on the defensive to avert all responsibility and accountability AND keep you off balance. In any situation where they are threatened by exposure of the reality of what they are the Narcissist must SHAME you in a manner to stay in control. They have no shame for their actions though and I mean NONE whatsoever. They only transfer their defective qualities onto and into you and basically create strong labels that they attach to you that justify WHY they do what they do – call it Narcissistic justification and denial. Remember they are the ‘eternal victims of the world’ and BLAME everybody else for what they do – this is really projection. They are transferring their own flaws onto you as well as seeking a reaction that basically confuses or confounds you to drive the point home and to get away with what they do. They MUST respond because they can’t just sit there and allow what they feel are blatant attacks ON THEM because they do NO WRONG – but as you and I know they do MANY ‘wrongs!’ They HAVE to force you into submission, so you internalize their attacks as reality of who YOU are. You are not any of this – AGAIN this is part of their extreme manipulation techniques – and one of many!
If you were able to pull yourself out of the confusion when they are doing this, you would clearly see that their reactions are so delusional and a huge defense mechanism to hide the very truth from themselves and everybody else. Educating ourselves about the truth of what a Narcissist is AND does is one of the most important and essential aspects of recovery. It is the bridge that takes us to full recovery. To heal we must understand, we must expel everything that we internalized from the manipulative Narcissist and their abuse. We must realize that these are non-functioning individuals that are predators. There NEVER was a relationship with them, there NEVER will be a relationship with them, AND they are NOT capable of having a REAL relationship with anyone!
Let us sum it up with this – if you cannot use your words with them in a manner to have a real conversation, or share your thoughts, express yourself, or just talk normally than what do you have? Nothing! Communication is imperative to ANY relationship and if it is not there than there is no relationship whatsoever. This is the reality with a Narcissist because they are one huge control machine that is programmed to dismiss every aspect of your individuality. There is a lesson in all of this and that is we must completely actualize this and move on no matter what because we are not dealing with a normal person or anything normal with a Narcissist. There was NEVER one conversation you have had with them that had any basis of reality because they have none to offer.
Along the same lines, they do not change after we depart from them BUT they do create a new self or better yet a new façade for their next target. The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure as well UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation or the ‘same old, same old!’ Trying to talk to them about anything would be like being a hamster on a wheel running and running on that wheel but never getting anywhere except exhausted and right at the same place you started. In the end, they will probably run off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day so let them be where they are. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. NO, they will only manipulate you more and use more projection to always make YOU out to be the person at fault. They are securing new supply and you reached your expiration date. ANY attempt at a connection would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! You couldn’t affect change with them all throughout your relationship, so you are not going to be able to do that now either. The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along. No/minimal contact to truly get the clarity you need to move forward! Greg
The Narcissist is a SEVERE and EXCESSIVE egomaniac that feels so deserving of everything in life – this is the totality of their infliction and what makes them a Narcissist because nothing else matters in their world except for their every need – AND they seriously do not care who they HARM in the process.
The Narcissist is a SEVERE and EXCESSIVE egomaniac that feels so deserving of everything in life – this is the totality of their infliction and what makes them a Narcissist because nothing else matters in their world except for their every need – AND they seriously do not care who they HARM in the process. We are all steppingstones that they walk on and over to get what they want. ONCE we understand this and internalize this, we must NEVER engage with them or look back at them as anything but the predatory and destructive con-artist that they really are.
They feel that they are BETTER than everybody and deserving of EVERYTHING they want in life and they will take it no matter if they abuse people or break the law to do so and they just do not care. They act as if they are royalty in life and feel above and even insulted by any unworthy subjects – like YOU and I expecting his/her majesty’s affirmation or attention – we are there to serve. It is all part of the fictional novel going on in the Narcissist’s childish mind, that magnanimous work of fiction about themselves in which he/she is the star of a great masterpiece all about themselves.
Little children do the same thing in their play fantasies, but THEY eventually grow up and deal in reality. The Narcissist totally IDENTIFIES with the fictional character that he/she creates in that mirror that is you and me. WE have a bit part in this show as a character (one of many) that exists to reflect the Narcissist’s greatness through our interactions with them period. They will always share how amazing they are and how they have so many friends, how their family and children love them, etc. BUT what they share are usually bits and pieces of tiny truths that are ALWAYS the direct opposite. Their immediate family eventually rejects their hideous actions or perversions that they have inflicted on them, but it is always somebody else’s fault. Everybody else picks up the slack for these creatures like raising a family, paying the bills, and keeping up the real responsibilities in life. The real relationship with them is no give and all take but never care or love, it is all about serving the Narcissist – the rest is their fictional story that you believe that locked you into what you believed was a relationship. In time you realized the truth when their words and actions never backed up the façade, they personally created for you.
You will fall out of grace when your eyes reflect the disdain of their lies and manipulation, and you will enter a battle with them where they will destroy you for making them face the reality of who they really are. They will just run off after they have destroyed your integrity and start up a new life of abuse with someone else. Yet, deep down inside, the Narcissist is aware that their life is a sham, and they are vulnerable as far as being exposed and that is what they fear. They are always a step or ten ahead of the game and have gathered up every bit of personal information they can use against you to destroy your integrity so that your voice becomes weak and unheard when you start to speak out. Their out-of-control life is a constant reminder of how unstable their amazing world is AND how weak and feeble they really are! Clinically this is described as the Narcissist’s Grandiosity Gap – or in other words they are gift wrapped box that is completely EMPTY inside when you unwrap it.
The Narcissist can pretend to know everything, in every field of the human condition and is seamless with all the knowledge that spills out. Again, they are all confabulations and lies that the Narcissist prevaricates to avoid the exposure of their real ignorance AND their dark world they MUST hide. Their knowledge and experience are just copycat information that has no basis of reality or is earned through realistic education, goals, hard work, relationship bonding, human compassion, real love, or anything else. AGAIN – they have no reality to back it up or empathy to understand life at any level! The Narcissist resorts to numerous prefabricated ‘imitations of life’ to support their God-like omnipotence. What goes on in the shadows is what really defines them and exists in their REAL world, and that is their vast neediness and out-of-control lifestyle that betrays all of life and love. You can take the power away from the Narcissist by removing yourself from their diabolical and delusional world and stop supplying them with your life. Start with no/minimal contact! Greg
FACT: A Narcissist never really moves on in a normal or healthy way – they just move OVER to another viable source of supply that they were able to CHARM (manipulate) into their world just like they did to us.
FACT: A Narcissist never really moves on in a normal or healthy way – they just move OVER to another viable source of supply that they were able to CHARM (manipulate) into their world just like they did to us. It is ALL the constantly changing mechanics of their abuse agenda, and there is nothing more to it than a new VICTIM and a new opportunity for supply because we served our purpose and there is nothing left for THEM. They will portray this ‘so called’ new relationship as AMAZING, but that is just their delusional ‘public relations campaign’ to protect themselves AND discredit us by making themselves look like the normal one JUST in case we speak up with the truth. Do not forget they also want to rub this new scam in our faces to kick us more while we are down!
No matter what, we MUST understand that what we are feeling are those emotions we were conned into believing that THIS was the real thing and somehow we failed because of something we did or didn’t do to make it right. NO – none of this was real and only a repeat agenda of this Narcissist that they will consistently repeat over and over again with MANY other targets. It had NOTHING to do with us personally or who we are or are not. Every day tell yourself this truth, even if you must crawl to get there! All of this is the poison that they poured into our hearts and minds to blame us so they could easily make their exit while wounding us on the way out or in essence silencing us. The rest of the ‘discard devaluation’ will follow as they proclaim their new relationship, new love, amazing love, etc. – all showboating so THEY SEEM like the normal one to protect their image from the truth that we might expose about THEM – or discrediting us upfront!
So, to start, one of the most important issues when trying to recover from Narcissistic abuse is our tendency to obsess about the abuser in our life. We tend to believe that while we are left holding all the dark and delusional energy from the relationship, the abuser escaped without any repercussions and with all the goods. We imagine the Narcissist to be off walking in the sunset with his/her new love while we are sitting at home suffering depression, apathy, anger and horrific emotional pain, financial loss and psychological issues that they imposed on us. Remember they are still a Narcissist, and I would rather recover from their abuse than be one of THEM!
If we really take the time to think about it, it is highly unlikely that our abuser is really having the happy life that they SAY they do. The clinical aspect of this abuse AND why the Narcissist acts out in the manner he/she does stems from a deep sense of inadequacy and low self-worth. The Narcissist is forced to get his/her feelings of well-being from external things or those (people) outside himself/herself. A Narcissist may temporarily experience the illusion of perfection with another person because they MUST seek this attention/adulation out to survive, much like they did with us, but AGAIN this is “temporary” because they do NOT bond with people – everything in their world is externalized or objectification.
If the Narcissist builds his/her self-image or good feelings about themselves based on how he/she is perceived by others, it is only a matter of time before the “love spell” is broken just like with us. Remember there are no internal mechanisms; everything is based on external images that the Narcissist sees/uses as their own reflection of perfection. You need the mix of the healthy internal mechanisms of love, empathy, compassion, as well as the harmony/co-existence WITH the external world to live and to grow with another person.
Sooner or later his/her new love will have issues or complaints with the relationship because a Narcissist can’t survive with JUST ONE SOURCE OF SUPPLY. Also, a Narcissist does not allow individuality and face it this always becomes an issue because we were born to support our own thoughts and actions to validate our existence and support our goals/plans, etc. in life – that is just normal and people naturally disagree on different issues. WELL, a Narcissist can’t and won’t allow the slightest deviation from their projected image of perfection so EVERYONE will be devalued and discarded just because we have our own mind and personality – so there is never growth that allows another person individuality or to be a part of a real relationship.
There is never a ‘new healthy relationship’ with a Narcissist so do not obsess about this and remember that things are not always as they appear especially with this Narcissist that has lied to you/us every moment that they were breathing. We are not the exception to the rule that drove this person to abuse us NOR did they suddenly change overnight and become healthy with a new ‘love’. Think about the unconditional love and support that you gave to this person (the Narcissist,) and who would reject/destroy this love but a highly disordered person. This was all a huge con job starting from the very first day we met them.
What you see or imagine is likely a fantasy that you have created in your own mind that the Narcissist has reinforced with more lies and illusions to keep you under their control and make you out to be obsessed. It heightens their image of themselves to manipulate you even more after the fact so they can prove to the world that they are just that amazing and you (we) are obsessed, scorned, or can’t move on without them. Guess what – we can, and I have and this place I am at is wonderful and how it is meant to be.
Changing this fantasy means taking back the power and controlling your thoughts to change what you tell yourself because you now know the truth, right? When we live our lives in dysfunction there is always black and white thinking. We are either all good or all bad and guess who is controlling all of this – YUP the Narcissist. There are no shades of gray where a Narcissist is involved, and we somehow lose the ability to believe in ourselves as we once did.
When the Narcissist projects all of these images that we are to blame, it is our problem, always our fault, etc. and we feel ‘shame’ as if we ARE the bad one and they in turn become the good one. We try to fix each and every one of their delusional attacks on our integrity as if we did something/anything to deserve this – just an outcome of their brainwashing. This destroys our self-worth, and we feel so much worse because we have somehow lost everything that we believed was good about ourselves. We are under the illusion that our good has been taken away, conned out of us, stolen from us, kidnapped because we believed in love AND WERE DUPED. But this is far from the truth of what is happening.
You felt worthy and loveable once. So, what happened? We gave the Narcissist the power to validate us because we became emotionally attached thinking we would grow as two normal people do in a relationship OR we believed in them and gave them our trust. Unfortunately, when we give someone else the power to validate our worthiness, we also give them the power to invalidate us and NOW after the fact we see what the Narcissist has done with that trust we offered as well as all the personal information we gave so freely (as normal people do) – they abused it and used it against us.
With a Narcissist nobody is ever worthy of a real relationship of ANY type or love – EVEN themselves. They pretend that they are perfect and love everything about themselves, but they are a huge needy pit that only sucks the life energy out of everybody they come in contact with. Do you really want to spend your life fixing or loving that? NO – just like everyone else I can tell you stories that would have your head spinning, but you have many of your own stories that would send my head spinning too. It was a demeaning, dehumanizing, debasing and a destructive life with them so we must start responding in a manner to encapsulate all of this into what we call emotional and psychological abuse from a Narcissist and purge it out of our lives forever. No/minimal contact always. Greg
The Narcissist’s manufactured world is about manipulating and maneuvering people and events through compartmentalization – we each have our place and our function to make their world work and even to protect it.
The Narcissist’s manufactured world is about manipulating and maneuvering people and events through compartmentalization – we each have our place and our function to make their world work and even to protect it. None of us are the wiser about these other support people – and the Narcissist WANTS it that way or else we would start to see all the lies and manipulation. You are NEVER the only person in your relationship with them – just part of the mechanics of their façade.
The Narcissist’s self-regulating and controlling mechanics always involves pulling people into their lair and extracting information from them AND in turn using this information for whatever GAIN they desire or to use against them! Be it the love bombing to harvest their main sources of supply, or people to prop up their hideous façade of saintliness (minions). If that entails being, charming, exciting, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it – just technique! Their abuse is not only confined to a single person, but instead it is a complex network that includes their primary and secondary supply sources as well as their supportive adoring friends, family members, their own biological children – all of which are basically seduced into their roles! The Narcissist NEEDS this network to survive (supply) as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them. They need a network of people to support their ‘needy needs’ so this is a full-time job for them to control the world around them. BUT the key element is that they are always on the defensive and everybody is essentially an enemy or someone to use for support because their world is full of lies and holes as it concerns the reality, they PRESENT to us! We are either a TOOL or an OBSTACLE in their world.
So back to basics! What is the one thing a Narcissist does not want other people to know? The truth. More specifically, Narcissists do not want the truth about them to be known that they are insecure, malicious, and devious people with a toxic agenda. Beyond being embarrassed by the truth of their behaviors and thoughts, they have a deathly fear of being exposed and REJECTED for who and what they are. This is in large part because they always use lies, manipulations, and distortions to control other people and get what they want. If people were to know about their true nature, they would want nothing to do with the Narcissist – the Narcissist is very aware of this and that is why they MUST build up their defenses. Let’s just say they are always prepared for the inevitable. Similarly, their whole grand façade is just part of their defensive pretense.
The Narcissist is basically grooming every single person in their orbit WITH a deceptive agenda to DIVIDE AND CONQUER. They feel such an intense high or euphoria when they play people against each other, ESPECIALLY when it becomes a competition for them to gain adulation/adoration. They will even make you think that the people closest to you are talking behind your back. The Narcissist will present the allegations as a concern of course to minimalize the real agenda to put wedges in between you and the people closest to you. The reverse is also true because the Narcissist will go to the people closest to you and make them believe you have said things about them as well – AND only out of concern of course! This basically isolates you from the people closest to you and forces you to become dependent on the concerned Narcissist. Pure deception that destroys you as well as your integrity.
BUT the minions cause just as much havoc in our lives because they are supporting the Narcissist’s agenda. There is strength in numbers and that is what the Narcissist’s goal is here by pulling in the troops! Really minions are just co-conspirators or co-abusers and should be treated as such by employing the same no-contact rule as with the Narcissist. Anybody that will basically join in on a disordered agenda that aims at destroying another person has serious issues and they are dangerous people to do what they do so never engage with them. Remember the Narcissist looks for the weakest and neediest links in society that feign attention from anybody to join in on their reign of terror. It is not unusual for the Narcissist to use whatever method possible to pull them into their deceptive agenda, be it extreme charm, sex or whatever, but basically these minions are just tools or objects like every other person and seduced into their roles. Narcissists are the grand extortionists of life! BUT remember when it comes to minions, they are willing to do whatever they can to fulfill their role to please the Narcissist. They are just as manipulative and will employ some of the same tools that the Narcissist does, even PRETENDING to be your friend. They will gather up information that the Narcissist is requesting of them so the Narcissist is always ‘in the know’ about their enemy (that would be us).
So, these minions and co-conspirators are only extension of the Narcissist AND the Narcissist’s abusive methodology. A Narcissist uses every opportunity to feign attention to themselves as well as secure their little toxic playmates to be there right alongside of them when they decide to wage their battles. Their world is so distorted and toxic. They live in pure denial of their sickness. They mean to hurt and destroy people, family, organizations or essentially anything that they participate in. Backstabbing, smearing, triangulation and lying are their tools to create chaos and to damage and silence people. All of this of course falls under ‘no contact’ because the only way to shut this monster out is to completely remove yourself from any attachment, especially your emotional ties with them. Yes we loved a monster! The Narcissist’s smear campaign is their way of hatefully acknowledging OUR denying them of their fake reality and identifying them AS THE MONSTER THEY ARE. The only viable solution is moving on and away from them with no/minimal contact! Greg
You CANNOT go to the source of your abuse – a Narcissist – for answers, validation, closure, truth, or anything, because all you will get back is the same – MORE abuse!
You CANNOT go to the source of your abuse – a Narcissist – for answers, validation, closure, truth, or anything, because all you will get back is the same – MORE abuse! We MUST understand this and NEVER engage with them in a manner to attempt to find any sense of cohesiveness, validation, closure, the truth, or anything – THEY ARE YOUR ABUSER!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else I Between with a Narcissist
Lets start with the facts — a Narcissist can’t allow others to see who AND what they really are, an empty dark and angry person that loathes life and people, as well as repulsive, perverted, and abusive. So, the Narcissist creates a highly likable, moral, good, and ‘normal’ image that will procure adulation, affirmation, and attention or everything the Narcissist requires to survive and walk among the ‘real’ or ‘normal’ people – AND THEY MUST ALWAYS MAINTAIN THIS FACADE during every phase of their abuse – even when they devalue and discard us. The WHY is because they need the basic things that only ‘functioning’ human beings can provide, SO they ‘harvest’ people and we become “supply” to them. THAT IS ALL WE ARE – and that is all we will ever be – and most importantly – we ALL have an expiration date that also involves the Narcissist maintaining that facde WHILE destroying us to protect themselves (except they are not genuinely nice about it). So do not go to them for an explanation because they are not going to tell you the truth that they are abusers and extortionists, and WE were only ONE of their targets — BUT they will manipulate and trick you more so they can avoid exposure.
The closer the association to a Narcissist the more pathological the Narcissist becomes, and the more damage done to the target/victim. Their needs are far more than just extorting basic life and biological needs – it is their psychological needs that cause the most damage to their target/victim. It is their need to CONTROL and gain dominance or power over other people that damages and destroys them. They are BASICALLY human with most of the same biological needs (like eating, breathing and sexuality) but when it comes to mental functions, they are delusional and seem to have a battle that rages in their head to seriously manipulate, confuse, malign, and harm people that love them as if they loathe all people and need to destroy them one by one. We MUST understand this and NEVER engage with them in a manner to attempt to find any sense of cohesiveness, validation, closure, the truth, or anything – THEY ARE ABUSERS!
Unfortunately, we believed it was a real EMOTIONAL bond no matter what the relationship is/was with them, be it one that was FALSELY created from care or love – be it a wife, husband, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, or friend – but it was a lie and a con. As harsh as this definition sounds as it concerns our involvement with a Narcissist, it is real and just the very truth of the biggest lie, manipulation, betrayal, extortion, and destruction we will ever experience in our lives. It is abuse at the hands of a very disordered personality, one that will look you straight in the eyes and state that they care or love you, but they have a knife to your back to control you AND ready at any time they decide to stab and harm you and even destroy you for no reason other than an association you have with them be it a family bond or an association by chance – and especially once you have clarity about the truth of what they are.. ANY association with them for ANY length of time and for ANY reason is toxic and poisonous and they will do some sort of damage to your life or well-being.
A Narcissist is calculating for the sake of procuring PERSONAL power and supply – they need it to feel relevance because they lack the mechanics that you and I have – especially empathy – and that requires a great deal of Narcissistic magic and skills to play pretend with us! Control allows them the power over others that they need to function and survive in our world as well as facilitate the intense insecurities that rage inside of their world – as a matter of fact it is imperative to their functioning and survival. It also protects them from exposure and facing the truth of their own disordered and abusive lifestyle. That false mask hides AND protects the Narcissist from having to face themselves off in the mirror and see the reality of WHAT THEY ARE – a modern day ‘DENIAL’ monster that is destructive and abuses life and people – it is ALL consuming. Unfortunately, the only way to create their false self and maintain it is to completely drain us of our life and amazing energy and they are NEVER going to give it back. They most assuredly will destroy a target that catches on to them, plus they already have the replacement waiting in the wings to pick up the whole process where they left it off with us, stealing ‘supply’ and sucking the very life out of the new target. No fuss, no muss, NEVER any closure, emotions or love just a parasitic relationship where the Narcissist always has a host and a new host ready and waiting – seriously this is the truth. There is nobody there for us – except a very dark and damaged person that we CANNOT ever go to for any reality or help!
In the overall design of things, misfortune to others does not matter to the Narcissist when they have objectified a human being to obtain their drug of choice or “supply” – especially after they have gotten everything they came for. It is solely based on what this person has to offer, or what can be taken from this person, and this must resonate in the Narcissist’s grand scheme of things. The Narcissist is convinced of their uniqueness (omnipotence) and basically, we are there to serve their needs – they are delusional in this manner. There are no written laws that the Narcissist will comply with when it comes to how they treat other people — so NEVER expect them to treat you with any sense of reality – especially once they are in the devaluation and discard phase – that is only about their safe transition to move onto their new source, and WE have reached our expiration date.
There are no human rights involved either and it is DESIGNED to be that way! Basically, we are/were there for their use and they completely exploit everything they can from us – mentally and physically. They feel no remorse in their acts of deviance to secure supply in the least bit – NOR will they ever admit to their scam or offer any closure. Lies, betrayal, manipulation, etc., are only tools to extract what they need before they move on to the next and the next and the next. They have perfected and honed these tools to work to their utmost advantage to meet their needs in EVERY situation – and they will never allow you or I to threaten their façade of lies.
This is extremely hard for many people to understand for the simple reason that we are the direct opposite of a Narcissist. We learned about life and love and we have empathy that would prohibit us from even remotely living or conceptualizing an abhorrent and perverse lifestyle where we would purposely use another person, deplete them of their life, and then destroy them. It is not even human to act out in the manner a Narcissist does. Unfortunately, they exist, and they are dangerous to people and to life in general – and we must actualize this and never turn to them for anything – the only turn we NEED to make is turning completely AWAY from them and NEVER allow them in our thoughts, heart or mind ever again! The truth is that YOU are an amazing human being and the direct opposite of these abusers. YOU have the ability for introspection and growth and most importantly you when faced with a disaster, YOU have the ability to heal from the adversity and become a survivor that WILL thrive. No/minimal contact ALWAYS. Greg
Let’s really understand the truth and internalize that there is NOTHING real about a Narcissist NOR is there ever a relationship with them!
Let’s really understand the truth and internalize that there is NOTHING real about a Narcissist NOR is there ever a relationship with them! Everything they said and did was a product of the situational abuse they pulled you into. There is no shame or blame to be placed on you – you pulled through this and are an amazing survivor that survived the trauma of a disaster with a malignant Narcissist, and you will THRIVE!
The Narcissist is chameleonlike and camouflages itself with intoxicating CHARM, so they basically get away with virtual psychological murder. They are good at it too. They even use it to get people to love them, so they can violate them emotionally and psychologically. Nobody is impervious to the Narcissists CHARM because they use it in every walk of life to get EVERYTHING they want and at all costs.
This chameleon nature of the Narcissist is a façade, false self or the ‘mask that they PRESENT to the real world that FOOLS us but allows them to get by or pass as normal and even likeable in public, but they are cruel, nasty dictators, terrorists, and abusers in their private lives AND behind people’s backs. They often have incredibly dysfunctional and damaged family lives and it is not uncommon for them to have multiple relationships or ‘past’ partners (that they still use as “extra” supply on the side), or their ex’s that they harass and stalk relentlessly. Most have a long pattern of cheating on their partners. They are toxic and destructive individuals pure and simple, and THEY NEVER CHANGE. It is so very unfortunate that we fell for their façade and believed in them because the association we had with them was purely destructive to us and damaged so many levels of our lives.
The Narcissist sneakily back stabs people continually throughout their disordered life. To them it is control and power over others. They will consistently demonstrate their power with back handed and insulting behavior toward others AND in ALL walks of life. They will utilize behaviors like talking people down or making them the brunt of a rude and demeaning joke, making fun of them, totally ignoring or silencing them, being late for important events, simply not attending or walking out of events, avoiding being a team player at all costs, refusing to consult or ask for help and just acting out ON THEIR OWN SELF ACCLAIMED AUTHORITY. There are absolutely NO RULES that they follow, so there is never accountability either, and in fact that always gets displaced onto us through blame and shame because the Narcissist is the eternal victim of life. They will use BLAME everybody else as another tool to displace and divert from the truth of how disordered they are,
There is no having any type of a real relationship with a Narcissist, you may be in what you believe is a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you – you are Narcissistic supply or a working component in their life. You are only there to make them look good or because you are useful to the Narcissist as an object to satisfy a need. Nothing is ever internalized with a Narcissist like emotional bonds, caring, love or EMPATHY – it is ALL about them. Their world is totally external, and everyone is objectified like a shiny new car that the Narcissist drives/wears to make them look however special they feel they need to be AND as a tool to make THEIR life look shiny bright and work. Their image is a fake aspect of their chameleon like nature – and it constantly changes just like the chameleon changes its colors to blend into an environment. Pretty shrewd how they magically turn into whatever they need or want to be – but very deceptive and dangerous!
The Narcissist constantly violates boundaries albeit physical, emotional, and mental. They follow no rules in life, or respect human dignity/rights, or adhere to any written laws. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make, and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or take/steal anything that belongs to others. Ownership is their birthright or so they feel because they are above the normal order of life – remember THEY make all the rules. If they want it, they will take it. They will violate your standing with figures of authority to cause trouble/destruction or just to ‘one up’ you. They are truly extortionists, and they take everything and anything they can get their hands on from all walks of life. BUT remember this chameleon camouflages itself with CHARM – so they get away with virtual psychological murder because they have been doing this all their lives and they are just that good at it – they even use it to get people to love them, so they can violate them emotionally and psychologically. The people that know the truth about them are mostly their targets/victims – the rest become their minions at some useful level that they charm into believing just how special they are, AND they protect the Narcissist’s lies and disordered life – they are the enablers of their abuse.
OK, so the point here was/is to understand some of the mechanics that will hopefully help you release from the blame and shame that the Narcissist dumped into your head. You do not deserve to carry a debt for the time you spent with this person. You ARE a normal and loving human being that is equipped with empathy and you proved that all along. Do you ever remember feeling like this before you got involved with this Narcissist? NO, unless you were with another Narcissist. You did not magically go from a good person to an insensitive, non-caring person that could do nothing right in this crazy and debilitating relationship. You are not crazy or insane either. You were abused by a very defective person that ultimately managed you down more and more until eventually you lost sight of the real you. You will become that real person you once were because unlike the Narcissist WE ARE ABLE TO CHANGE. You were disabled by the extreme tactics used on you. With introspection, time, support, and real love, you can and will turn around. It is time for you to BELIEVE in yourself completely and discard everything and anything about what this Narcissist made you believe about yourself. They were a nightmare in your life, and now that you are awake and free from them it is time to put the real perspective or truth back into your reality that you are a normal and amazing person that has the tools to become whole again. You really must use them to succeed, so PLEASE no/minimal contact to start you out on that road to recovery! Greg