A relationship with a Narcissist is a desperate and disabling relationship where you are always feeling vulnerable, worthless, hated, constantly explaining yourself, silenced, punished, isolated, fearful, and traumatized. What is it that you are actually doing wrong? Nothing! WHY do you keep returning then?
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
Do some of these behaviors seem to be familiar or similar to what you experienced after one of the many fights or breakups with your Narcissist or perhaps after the discard? You check the phone constantly, believing you missed a call from them or thinking perhaps that you have lost your signal. You seem to sit and wait and wait for their call, text or some form of communication from them. Because of the lack of response from your Narcissist (perhaps ANOTHER argument) you are hoping most every day that you will get that call or a text saying how he/she is SO sorry, and that they love you, want you back and blah, blah, blah! You have gotten this exact call many times before and it only amounts to the whole cycle starting over again, but there is never a REAL resolution. Seriously think about how many times you have repeated this same process with the fights, raging, silencing, and the Narcissist’s disappearance for days! You are used to feeling this horrible depravation and you only want to fix everything so you feel better again – BUT WHY DO YOU DO THIS and repeat this pattern so often only to end up back to the exact same place each and every time?
It feels like you are an addict that is going through a terrible detox! You are always wanting that fix to end the pain you are feeling, but what does it really amount to – more abuse? The havoc the Narcissist creates leaves you feeling so twisted and your thoughts become so distorted that you just want it to end at all costs (the pain.) Have you asked yourself what you are actually missing? Is it the torture, or the indifference, the blame, or the pain that you are constantly feeling because of all of the crazy making and dysfunction? Is it the lies OR knowing that he/she is constantly on the prowl and you don’t want to have to deal with those horrible images all of the time? SO, WHAT ARE YOU MISSING? Can you answer this in a realistic manner? Or do you just reason this out so that you can get to that quick fix to avoid the horrific pain you are feeling, knowing all too well that you have repeated this process more times than you wish to remember? Seriously we have become dysfunctional in our beliefs when we are forced into this distorted submission from them and compromise our reality to feel that these actions are healthy! It is the furthest thing from healthy because it just always keeps us revolving in this cycle of abuse. This is what the Narcissist wants! This is why they act out in the manner that they do and that is to completely manage us down through extreme psychological manipulation or better yet emotional and psychological terrorism. They have been doing this slowly but surely from the very first day they met us. It is their modus operandi or mode of operation!
On the flip side of the coin do you ever feel that you really don’t want them to contact you, but you still want the fix, but AGAIN why and at what cost to you because you ALWAYS end up back in this same exact place of total despair! The fix is only a temporary bandage to stop you from feeling the pain of the wound they constantly inflict on you with the devaluation. Coming back as they do is just their method of controlling you to keep you in the cycle of abuse. He/she loves me, he/she loves me not, he/she loves me, and he/she loves me NOT, NOT, NOT. Really he/she loves you NOT but you will stay within this unending loop of dysfunction and second guessing for eternity if you don’t jump out of it.
So many targets/victims go through this. Constantly checking the phone for messages and wanting to hear from him/her as well as NOT wanting to hear from him/her at the same time. You keep trying to get that “fix”, knowing that it will do nothing but tear open a new wound that you will never be able to heal as well as trying to fix this dead-end relationship ONE MORE TIME. You HOPE this time it will be different, but it is a false hope and all you have to do is look back at how many times you have allowed yourself to stay in this dysfunction only to end up right back at square one with another level of this SAME dysfunction to add to the many that are already right there with you. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I am not suggesting you we are insane, just trying to bring the point home. We struggle to hold on and we struggle to let go. It’s very hard to convince the heart what the mind already knows. Like an addiction, you must separate yourself from the very thing that you are addicted to. Are you always tempted, YES, YES AND YES! Maybe you can just resist the temptation to reach out to them, but you always struggle with not responding to him/her when they initiate the contact, and they usually do at some point. It’s in their nature and part of their disorder, but this is a choice only you can make to stop the madness this time.
When we allow the Narcissist to have communication with us just what is the cost as it concerns us? They never apologize, so we accept the blame from whatever chaos they initiated to create another argument. We have to because there is no other option as we have been conditioned into believing AND we accept it in the hopes of fixing the relationship. They may make you believe that they are offering an apology but that is just to pull you back into the abuse. What was actually going on when you were left in silence after the last argument? Were they visiting their mother perhaps (like they may say they were) or were they visiting extra or new supply (the very truth in my situation!) If you were to try to reconcile whatever the event was that led to another argument or the silencing/separation, there is never any resolution and you are always left feeling like you are the bad person, jealous, or crazy AND nothing is ever resolved. You are blamed for pushing them away perhaps when you didn’t even start the argument because it just came out of nowhere! Perhaps you were accused of something you NEVER did – I was always accused of something and that was just the Narcissist projecting. This happens so many times that there is just layer upon layer of this same behavior buried deep inside of you and unreconciled, but you keep going back. One day they WILL totally discard you and the reality that THEY were doing everything you suspected is now the truth standing right in front of you. Why didn’t we just follow our intuitions? Their constant making up with us was just a form of manipulation, brainwashing, AND torture to create more of their dysfunctional chaos to manage us down completely and keeping us dependent on them until they were done with us or completely drained us and we were no longer viable supply.
It is VERY painful to continue in a relationship with a Narcissist, but it feels excruciatingly painful to completely let go and to be without them. A relationship with a Narcissist is filled with OVERWHELMING emotions and very little reality as it concerns having a viable loving relationship with them! Your life only coincides with their manipulation and chaos – and your every day is having to react to some new chaos, justifying their behavior and lies, bending your emotions the wrong way, and moving forward with NO RESOLUTION. With a Narcissist you are very elated with the highs, but the MANY lows always devastate you COMPLETELY. The emotions are so very strong both ways (the good and the bad). Due to this, the relationship with a Narcissist is never boring but NEVER straightforward, BUT very disabling. It is more like sadistic in nature with the CONSTANT ups and downs as well as exhausting, debilitating, and traumatizing.
Listening to your intuition is so important and something you will come to depend upon after this horrific experience with a Narcissist. Your intuition has cried out to you in varying degrees throughout this relationship. You simply did not always know how to correctly interpret what it was telling you because there were those good times in the beginning when you were being charmed into this so-called relationship with them and that constantly kept you confused. It is tough listening to this intuition because it is naturally an unclear and confusing phenomenon especially with a Narcissist – BUT it is really your mind drawing on your past life experiences and plugging them into conscious and present thoughts.
It is VERY helpful to pay attention to your gut feelings in retrospect of everything you have experienced. Just think back to the beginning of a previous romantic relationship, THEN think about your relationship with this Narcissist. Did that voice in your head give you any warnings that something was terribly wrong – or perhaps did you see those ‘red flags’ waving in front of you especially with this Narcissist? Those were warnings that if you think about ALWAYS connected to later problems or situations. Your intuition is not only useful in keeping you safe from harmful or toxic people, it also lets you know when any situation is not right for you, even if the circumstances seem to be free of any immediate danger. So by identifying these gut feelings or red flags and the reasons for them through your past experiences, you become better equipped to listen to your intuition in the future. This relationship you are or were in is proof enough to convince you that your intuition was shouting out at you many times over. However, even though your intuition was there guiding you, so often you doubted it because you doubted yourself – but really it was the abuser’s voice that put these messages into your head that you couldn’t be trusted to think straight, or you were always wrong, perhaps had mental issues or any number of things that managed you down to the point that you lost the ability to trust yourself or think clearly. BUT that intuition was there early on and we have to come to rely on it in any future relationships, so we know when to get out before it is too late and the damage has been done.
It was all a big diversion to keep you confused and to control you – this is what abuse does. It is easy to get this addicted feeling (or obsession pattern) especially after the devastating and heart-breaking low or when the Narcissist has abandoned you both emotionally and physically or has been misbehaving (cheating or any number of things.) Consequently, when the Narcissist returns to you, the high feels so euphoric and BAM the pain is gone. Everything is back to NORMAL again because the Narcissist is behaving so well, he/she reinstates how much he/she loves you and can’t live without you and wants to be with you forever! It seems like an opportunity once again to fix this and get back to that feeling you once shared in the beginning or from the love bombing. BUT it is the pain you are reacting to and trying to alleviate, and THIS has become your normal?? Yes, that is the normal that you have been managed down to accept by allowing this cycle to continue – MORE ABUSE! Sometimes during the devaluation stage, the Narcissist just returns to hurt you even more and somehow that still satisfies us as a fix and we stay engaged instead of initiating no contact. It deteriorates to such a level that any contact becomes a small glimmer of hope when there is none! What exactly should we change about ourselves? MAYBE more willingness to accept the lies, betrayal, manipulation and psychological abuse? NO – what we need to change is our proximity with this Narcissist by moving on and totally away from them. You are an amazing human being that deserves the same beautiful love that you offer unconditionally not abuse from this creature that envies love and life and disables people to control them like they did to you. YOU discard them from your heart, mind and soul forever! My Narcissist would ALWAYS say “I told you I would leave if you didn’t change!” Guess what – I didn’t change – because that day I FINALLY saw the truth standing right in front of me and that was the best thing I could have hoped for. I kept praying for a miracle and I got that miracle with my Narcissist leaving once again and I accepted that truth and shut the door forever and did NOT allow this Narcissist back into my life ever again – I discarded my Narcissist finally! No/minimal contact! Greg