There is NEVER consistency, flexibility, or stability in anything Narcissists say or do because there is NOT a real person there – just copycat and stolen behaviors they have learned to con people into their world and THAT is always their agenda, or seeking out their next victim.
There is NEVER consistency, flexibility, or stability in anything Narcissists say or do because there is NOT a real person there – just copycat and stolen behaviors they have learned to con people into their world and THAT is always their agenda, or seeking out their next victim.
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
What they say and what they do are ALWAYS two different things – their words are empty and ‘blanks’ that they use to manipulate a person or situation to THEIR advantage! They feel completely entitled to everything and anything without ever earning it, working for it, asking for it, or showing ANY appreciation for anything – it is THEIRS to take and pillage! Narcissists view the world as their playground to take whatever they want and never give back – it is ALWAYS and ONLY about them and the deception and destruction they inflict in the process. THEY DO NOT BOND WITH PEOPLE – THEY USE THEM AS OBJECTS AND ABUSE THEM TO KEEP THEM IN PLACE UNTIL THEY HAVE GOTTEN WHAT THEY WANT AND FOUND THEIR NEXT VICTIM!
What defines a Narcissist? ANYTHING they want that they can create or make up to achieve another agenda or better yet con job. They view or better yet PORTRAY themselves as omnipotent, moralistic, religious as well as many other things that they stamp onto their worldly resume – none of which have any real connection to who and what they are – abusive and destructive predators that want something from EVERY person they encounter, and they will use whatever they can to CHARM it out of them AND then try to destroy the person they abused. There is no marriage vow, bond, or connection to love that prohibits a Narcissist from doing exactly what they want because there are no consequences they feel internally and really there is NO RELATIONSHIP with them.
It is ABSOLUTELY amazing how a Narcissist can cover their tracks to hide what can only be described as their perverse, toxic, and out-of-control lifestyle. Remember they are not doing this just to be the amazing actors that they are. These are deceptive and abusive personalities that need this disguise to extort people and life using whatever instrument of abuse they can to achieve their agenda – the best word here is that they are cunning like a fox – but always remember that they will attempt to destroy all their targets/victims to avoid exposure. This is who they are, and it works for them and they do NOT care who they harm if it benefits THEM!
It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism too) HAVEN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who just do not have any closeness or role in their life to see reality of who and what they are. Once you get emotionally close to a narcissist, THEN AND ONLY THEN do you get to see them drop their carefully crafted and charming mask that hides the out-of-control and abusive creature hiding behind it AND that is after they have TOTALLY fooled and conned you.
A Narcissist never looks inward in a manner to see that they have a personality disorder, or that their world is built on lies and appearances – that is merely a clinical definition for us to sort of understand them. Furthermore, they never admit to being wrong, doing anything wrong, or having wronged or destroying the many lives that they do. However, the Narcissists HAS wronged others, be it cheating, lying, manipulation, hurting them emotionally or physically, BUT a Narcissist manages to project blame on and into the targets/victims and everyone around them. They also have their minions and a new supply to support them or filter their lies through, as well as hide behind to avoid exposure.
In fact, the Narcissist will view him/herself as superior or above the rest of humanity. Narcissists do not see themselves as the SELF-SERVING pathological and destructive person that lives their entire life like a parasite using and taking advantage of others, objectifying people, and then moving on once they have been emotionally drained and damaged a person. Nor does the Narcissist see how flimsy their thin veneer of lies, and false credentials are. No instead the Narcissist will project their false image and describe themselves as a hero of sorts or even a saint as far as it concerns humanity and their role here on earth BECAUSE it is their working mechanism in life because otherwise, they are just a huge void! This is part of their disordered and damaged self that enables the Narcissist to live in complete denial of the damage they inflict onto people’s lives. There are no written laws, rules, or regulations that a Narcissist will follow. They are in COMPLETE denial of their false lives! They have absolutely no notion or care as it concerns right and wrong or truth and lies because empathy does not exist in their world and defines their personality disorder.
The Narcissist considers him/herself above the norms of goodness and elude or defer that any of their action’s borderline being outright evil toward others. That is the double-edged sword that they attack the world with. The truth is that their lives are all about double standards or what serves them – if it wasn’t for double standards, they would not have ANY standards at all. A Narcissist will stand tall and preach about morality as if all cheaters should burn twice in hell, but as he/she is giving their lecture from the pulpit they are also surveying the room to find a little extra supply to have on the side. But the Narcissist is not a cheater in their mind – they are DESERVING because they are special and above reprise for their actions in life.
The real definition of a Narcissist is that of a creature that is so preoccupied and focused on their every desire, pleasure and need that it completely blinds the Narcissist from reality and self-blame. The Narcissist re-writes reality to fit his/her delusions and with every taker AND it is like the Narcissist winning the lottery when they find a new target to extort and harm. They relish the chase and kill and love the spoils they have stolen from the very people that treated them with kindness, love, and respect! CLARITY is what saves us and moves us onto recovery. Knowledge, education, support, and NO/MINIMAL contact! Greg
Stop trusting and more importantly completely stop BELIEVING the Narcissist/abuser in your life!
Stop trusting and more importantly completely stop BELIEVING the Narcissist/abuser in your life! It is so important to understand this completely to move on! Put aside EVERYTHING that you BELIEVED was real with this person because there was NOTHING real about them except for what you were conned into believing – especially that they cared for you or loved you. Instead BELIEVE what your intuition told you that something was wrong and go beyond that and believe everything was wrong and the miracle here is that you are free from them and in time with introspection and grieving the abuse, you will see a clear picture of just how repulsive they really are. This is YOUR time to empower yourself with the truth and return to a chaos and abusive free life. DISCARD them completely from every aspect of your life you can and be free to grow again.
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
SO, now who and what they really are! There is no “one” real person inside of the Narcissist that is fully functioning or normal but instead there MANY made up facsimiles of people they imitate to cover up their dark reality to give them a superficial façade and the ability to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people. They are biologically human beings with needs, and they look like us and basically even act like us BUT they do not THINK like we do and eventually that façade fails them and us. Narcissists do not make internal connections to people or bond, so they can only respond to external stimulation or the supply they continually seek out so basically you are an object. So you cannot try to relate to them or understand them through the real empathy and unconditional love or reasoning that apply to normal people. They are NOT like you or I so you cannot relate to them as if they are!
Seems complicated so how do they do it? When they meet you, they will carefully access so many parts of your life and morph right into you as if they are your twin – and WOW you have so much in common. SO, it naturally follows that there is no proper internal mechanism that exists or functions as it relates to a Narcissist having a normal and functioning ‘personality’ that can relate in a healthy manner with the outside world and the people in it. The reality that seems to exist (and I am very loosely using that word reality) is a thin veneer or skin that is like a mask or costume they CREATE and wear that corresponds with their needs at any given moment – and their needs are many! Their façade is very interchangeable as well, so it completely fools the rest of the world and protects the Narcissist from being EXPOSED as dark, envious, and loathsome person that they are.
You have probably heard this many times and I will repeat it once more – they are like a chameleon that is able to change the color of its skin to match its environment and they are amazingly adept at this. The Narcissist disengages or detaches from their dark inner self and recreates an image to wear for the public or their immediate world. This image is constantly projected to essentially allow themselves to ‘fit in.” Of course, it is a good and likeable image that is very interchangeable AND even described as very charming but remember it was designed to camouflage themselves – and there you have it a different person for every different ‘need’. Personally, I would describe them as seductive because in reality they con artists that are after something they need. That ‘need’ is usually to trick their targets and use them as ‘Narcissistic Supply’ and just a major component of their survival. Basically, their functioning image is the biggest lie that this extortionist uses in their arsenal of deceit or ABUSE. Or as my friend said ‘compartmentalization’ – they compartmentalize us to fit the many different and exacting needs they have for each of us. Remember Narcissists are in every facet of life – be it a family member, a friend, a co-worker, perhaps a priest or preacher, attorney, doctor, next door neighbor, etc. Also remember that supply isn’t just limited to romantic relationships – if you have something they need or want, or they can better their social status by being in your company, or benefit by an association with you, they will be right there at your side getting whatever they are after. Once they have gotten it, they are gone and if you ever tried to make them accountable – YOU are gone as well.
So, there is no real person there just a needy void looking for surrogate to supply them what they cannot achieve on their own – or you and I – now that is pretty messed up! The relationship with yourself, or the one that requires a conscience, morals, empathy, a soul, etc., is a pretty important relationship to be lacking COMPLETELY, and pretty much a requirement or prerequisite to being a functioning human being and living life NORMALLY as well as interacting with others. If you don’t relate to your own self or your life in a healthy matter, how can you relate to anyone else in a ‘healthy manner OR any manner for that matter?’ JUST MY POINT – a Narcissist lacks the mechanisms needed to be a ‘fully functioning human being’ so they invent what they need as they go along in life and we play along or join in unknowingly with their toxic and destructive game while they run off with all the goods. Basically, EVERYONE is here to supply them OR fulfill their every need, be it financially as in a career, sexually to fulfill their physical needs, familial so ‘they’ have a proper ‘face’ to appear ‘normal, moral and ethical’, friends to help them shore up their façade and believe their ‘lies’, or whatever they can harvest and use from people to fill in the huge VOID that they are. None of us serve anything more OR are more than a “bit part” in the Narcissist deranged and disordered life. We function to serve a specified need the Narcissist has at a specific time, AND they have multiple relationships going on to secure all the supply they can get – but we are none the wiser!
We are so much better than this abuse, we deserve so much more than this abuse, we deserved the truth and all we got were complete lies with this abuse, we deserve a real life and NOW we can have this once we get them out of our life and never look back at what was and instead use the truth to move forward with what is – THEY were emotional/psychological rapists and terrorists – NEVER forget this! Lastly the most important thing is that you survived this because you are here today and still standing, gaining all the knowledge and clarity to move forward. No/minimal contact! Gre
The Narcissist in your life manipulated and controlled you into a state of desperation for their approval or the desire for affirmation and reciprocal love – but there never was love or a relationship – THAT was a trap they set to secure you as their NEXT supply source.
The truth about this relationship you had with a Narcissist. The Narcissist in your life manipulated and controlled you into a state of desperation for their approval or the desire for affirmation and reciprocal love – but there never was love or a relationship – THAT was a trap they set to secure you as their NEXT supply source.
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
This was NOT a traditional relationship or even near to it! On YOUR part, you worked so much harder for this relationship to become viable and real. You put so much of your time, energy, thoughts, and perseverance into this, and the result – you were devalued and abused every step of the way. This Narcissist was cruel and made you beg for the smallest validation from them. They forced you into believing that change HAD to start with you OR ELSE. This WAS the most painful experience of your life. Again, nothing even near real or traditional about this!
When they were ‘loving bombing’ you they showered you with their amazing charm, attention, gifts, and compliments. They only pretended to be the love that you dreamt of or exactly morphing into that dream that was personal to you. They were preparing you for the psychological and emotion erosion or ABUSE. Nothing traditional about this!
After the amazing ‘love bombing’ the relationship was always in contention with them, and YOU were always the cause of everything wrong. You always sensed from their words and actions that you might be replaced at any time, AND in reality, they were ALWAYS working on replacing you. This disorientated and distorted your mind, SO this Narcissist basically hijacked your every thought, every minute of the day. But think about their actions and words – were they EVER positive, affirming or nourishing? No they were disorienting and negative to keep you off balancing and questioning your worth and reality to be in CONTROL. A Narcissist creates this unpredictable lifestyle with lies, games, gas-lighting, manipulation, betrayal and every other tool they use to abuse their target/victims. Nothing traditional about this!
This was a VERY unhealthy lifestyle and not anything near a viable relationship. It is subjugation and oppression of a human being. Your strong sentiments toward solving all the mystery around them as well as proving yourself over and over again constantly played with and tricked your mind into believing that there was something so powerful about them that kept you hanging on for life and stuck in the horrible maze of their abuse. It is always a high adrenalin rush with them so when they create their chaos and/or discard you your world seems to fall completely apart. It is pure panic and devastation. Nothing traditional about this!
Narcissists always destroy the integrity of their last target/victim. They are claiming that you are the abuser or mentally ill, but the victim is the one left broken and traumatized from all the abuse. Narcissists will always enlist their entourage or minions to carry out their message that YOU have hurt them in every way possible. Meanwhile the Narcissist has sailed off in the sunset with the new and perfect ‘love of their life” – BUT that is yet another lie and façade. With a normal relationship both parties usually have a mutual respect and do not harbor the hate that a Narcissist does when parting ways. NOR do they play games like a high school kid trying to inflict jealousy or intentionally being cruel. Nothing traditional about this!
They accuse you of doing EXACTLY what they have done to you – NARCISSISTIC PROJECTION at its best. But if they were a real target/victim of this abuse they would not be unaffected by it NOR moving right on to a new ‘love.’ The true target/victim exhibits the trauma from this abuse and must spend many years recovering. Narcissists only use their stories about us to seduce and lure in new ‘supply’ with their ‘woe-be-me’ or pity me approach. So be assured that Narcissists do not spend a single second recovering from the ‘love’ they proclaimed, or the “abuse” they inflicted onto you! They were loved unconditionally, cared for, respected, given compassion, and nurtured by you/us (target/victim) so what in all of that would they grieve? They are sadistic and cruel to act out in the manner that they do to good and loving people. It is horrendous to ABUSE people, but how delusional and cruel to add another layer to the abuse by accusing the very person they abused (us) of abusing them (the Narcissist.) Nothing traditional about this!
This is what defines the toxic and non-traditional relationship with these creatures. It is not a straightforward recovery, but instead one that requires a strong dose of education as well as a strong arm to pull the target/victim out of darkness and despair with therapy, support and all the help that is available. You are NOT just grieving a relationship you are grieving the destruction and loss of self from abuse! No/minimal contact! Greg
Narcissists are masters of spin and diversionary tactics to drive their “conflicted reality” home through brute verbal force, emotional dismissiveness, psychological games, and delusional reasoning. If you are involved with a Narcissist, you know these communication strategies firsthand.
Completely empower yourself with these words: We can NEVER engage with their chaos and conflict because they are aimed directly at diminishing us and managing us down to SUPPORT their agenda! Narcissists are masters of spin and diversionary tactics to drive their “conflicted reality” home through brute verbal force, emotional dismissiveness, psychological games, and delusional reasoning. If you are involved with a Narcissist, you know these communication strategies firsthand.
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
When you present facts that contradict their beliefs, they bamboozle you by using off-topic tangents, changing the subject, or creating a new accusation AGAINST YOU or creating CONFLICT! It is NEVER about FACTS – but instead distorting FACTS to support their agenda. While you are still defending your original point and its validity, the Narcissist completely dismisses you (because you are making sense/telling the truth) and distracts you by jumping to another topic that is completely out in left field. and then they somehow condemn YOU with some off tangent nonsense. They are always judge, jury, and executioner.
Narcissists have absolutely no capacity for context or truth. Either you see things their way or you must be crushed into the ground – and believe me they think nothing of how they will crush a person into the ground. You cannot respectfully agree to disagree with them. Any criticism or difference of opinion is a challenge to their “authority, power, and control” and is seen as a threat and will be treated as such and you will be devalued, demeaned, debased, dehumanized, and destroyed – it is just that serious to them. BUT serious to them is not in any normal context – it is complete denial and avoidance all bundled up in all these tactics to be in control and exert power over us. Remember we are only an object to serve them so we must revere them as well OR ELSE!
The Narcissist employs loud and deliberate RAGING as another tactic when all else fails. The more wrong an emotionally and abusive Narcissist is the louder and/or more resolute they get with their attack. Their level of fake outrage, vindictiveness or emotional withdrawal is in direct proportion to how accurate you are. They will either talk over you, or shout at you, repeating the same simplistic, emotionally charged statements over and over until they drown out all reason, you pass out from the exhaustion of it all, or they give you the silent treatment until you submit and apologize for your “offense.” BUT THEY COMMITTED THE OFFENSE, and they are very adept at diverting from the truth with their pathological bullying so we better retreat and learn our lessons. My Narcissist employed this tactic every time they would find some anonymous sexual partner that I would find out about. First the incredulous story that I would shake my head at in total disbelief, then the extreme rage attack because I just did not believe this Narcissist, and then my morals were attacked as if I was the guilty party having these constant affairs.
LASTLY, let’s remember that Narcissists are also very adept at shifting blame to all others for everything that is wrong and never consider how they contribute to and cause the issues as well as their own unhappiness. They just shift responsibility to make you seem bad and crazy in an effort to shame you into submission. They will punish you for their own offenses as well – that is what we are “employed for” by the Narcissist because THEY need to project onto us. We are here to serve them, save them, take care of their every need, change their diapers, accept all of their faults as if they are our own, allow them to betray us and accept it as well as be blamed for it, we must allow them to extort everything they can from us, and we are not allowed to view any of this as anything but a privilege to be in their company – AND they never give anything in return. If we follow all of these rules, we are allowed to be their friend, their beloved family, or love them but we must also pay the price for this wonderful relationship by being stripped of our individuality, integrity, self-esteem and driven to insanity from their delusional abuse.
At heart, a Narcissist is a terroristic bully who will try to steamroll anyone who disagrees with them or when they DON’T get their way. It is not just about controlling THEIR reality, but controlling everyone else’s reality, too. When you allow a Narcissist to determine reality, it would be like letting one of the inmates control/run the asylum. There is only ONE way with a Narcissist and that is discarding them from our life with no/minimal contact. Greg
The BIG PROJECTION – BLAME/SHAME and DIVERSION GAME! Understanding the Narcissist’s agenda of devaluing us and then projecting THEIR faults onto us all at the same time. Narcissistic magic to make them the virtuous one by turning it around and blaming us for what THEY do!
It is SO important for us to completely understand the Narcissist’s manipulation tactics to control us! The BIG PROJECTION – BLAME/SHAME and DIVERSION GAME! Understanding the Narcissist’s agenda of devaluing us and then projecting THEIR faults onto us all at the same time. Narcissistic magic to make them the virtuous one by turning it around and blaming us for what THEY do!
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
When a Narcissist verbally attacks, devalues, or projects slander onto their targets/victims, they have two objectives. One is projection of course (accusing us of what they do), BUT the other is to “dirty a bright spot in your character” with whatever lies or slander they are projecting at you. It is as though any shiny part of your image diminishes the glow of their façade and that just angers that destructive inner child of theirs. You can never be anything but inferior to them. This is of course the mentality of the Narcissistic terrorist, who must malign and tear other people’s integrity down and ultimately harm OR destroy them with what only amounts to a chaotic counterattack to protect their distorted and damaged existence.
Projection and smearing at the same time are a work of art for the Narcissist, and it is uncanny how Narcissists manage to accomplish it. It’s all in the way their words are carefully placed, because not only do they ditch one of their faults, but they also muddy up one of your virtues in the process until they eradicate all of your goodness. They are so glib and amazingly adept at “killing two birds with that one stone.”
Think about situations where they may have been caught in one of their many lies – and instead of accepting accountability they completely divert and accuse you of the same thing and then they start dissembling you bit by bit! It is all about getting that reaction as well – because that takes the situation into another direction and away from them. SO again, this is done to get us to react – In turn we start our own projecting back to our Narcissist – but NOT in any manner similar to what they project onto us – we project in an effort to use our empathy and critical thinking to TRY to make things right or fix them. But remember the Narcissist is training us like a dog to make us do tricks. So, we learn that by remaining silent, avoiding making them accountable, showing more affection, being so good to them, or loving/caring them before ourselves, we get our just reward. Basically, we project a ‘happy face’ when inside we are conflicted, protecting ourselves, confused, manipulated, betrayed, and demeaned. It is absolutely dehumanizing and subjugation pure and simple. Therefore, they malign all people – I have a new term for this and it is ‘hate bombing!’ Just like the ‘love bombing’ it has its purpose to keep us controlled BUT in a negative and fearful way.
Their projection works amazingly well because it is just so much crazy thrown at us that we are never the wiser or seeing it as projection because it is shocking and then once again it adds another level of the abuse and damages our chances of fixing things ONCE AGAIN – bit by bit they are erasing us. We react by wanting to set it all straight, so it just put us back into that place where we were explaining ourselves again and bending over backwards to fix another deluded accusation – another day another loss of who we are?
Again, remember none of what they said about you was real, BUT It was real for the Narcissist because THEY were doing whatever they accused us of — SO to cleanse themselves of the horrendous wrongdoing they have done, they had to project this onto us and see us squirm and basically punish us for their acts of infidelity. They essentially put themselves up on their grand pulpit and exclaimed that they were OUR sins as well as proclaiming their high morality as in they would NEVER commit such an act when they just did. This is how they dump the guilt and patch up their virtuous façade. It is ALL about the reaction, deflection, attacking our virtues, turning the blame onto us.
It is all very confusing when you are going through it. But understand and remember this, the Narcissist is not attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments.’ Consequently, when the Narcissist is conducting a character assassination against you or someone else, the gun the Narcissists shoots never hits one of that person’s real flaws, it is shot at you (or whomever) to just wound you enough to disable you. Believe me they will keep shooting and wounding you in the hopes of completely crippling you as time goes by because they must do this to remain in control and protect their false life and lies.
OK, so the point here was to understand some of the mechanics that will hopefully help you release from the blame and shame that the Narcissist dumped into your head. You do not deserve to carry a debt for the time you spent with this person. You ARE a normal and loving human being that is equipped with empathy and you proved that all along. Do you ever remember feeling like this before you got involved with this Narcissist? NO, unless you were with another Narcissist. You did not magically go from a good person to an insensitive, non-caring person that could do nothing right in this crazy and debilitating relationship. You are not crazy or insane either. You were abused by a very defective person that ultimately managed you down more and more until eventually you lost sight of the real you. You will become that real person you once were because unlike the Narcissist WE ARE ABLE TO CHANGE. You were disabled by the extreme tactics used on you. With introspection, time, support, and real love, you can and will turn around. It is time for you to BELIEVE in yourself completely and discard everything and anything about what this Narcissist made you believe about yourself. They were a nightmare in your life, and now that you are awake and free from them it is time to put the real perspective or truth back into your reality that you are a normal and amazing person that has the tools to become whole again. You really must use them to succeed, so PLEASE no/minimal contact to start you out on that road to recovery! Greg
A Narcissist clearly crosses the boundaries of defying another person’s human rights and dignity, so much so it is clearly classified as psychological/emotional abuse. They tear down a person’s psychological well-being in such an insidious manner that the target becomes completely vulnerable, unprotected, and attacked like a predator chasing and tiring out its prey to immobilize it.
The NEVER ENDING confusing, exhausting, and debilitating MAZE with a Narcissist! Let’s find the way through this confusion and completely OUT with CLARITY!
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
A Narcissist clearly crosses the boundaries of defying another person’s human rights and dignity, so much so it is clearly classified as psychological abuse. They tear down a person’s psychological well-being in such an insidious manner that the target becomes completely vulnerable, unprotected, and attacked like a predator chasing and tiring out its prey to immobilize it.
Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there.
Attacking your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your “buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.”.
The Narcissist can and will even go so far as always threatening “your security” with them which could include ending the relationship if you do not conform, dating other people, affairs, silencing or use other controlling terrorist/fear tactics.
They are very unpredictable with their day-to-day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable/normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos and gas-lighting!).
This behavior is damaging, and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what is expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused, and controlled waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO act so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is control to keep you constantly disabled.
They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain CONTROL over you. Be it making fun of us, belittling us, criticizing us, name calling, screaming at us, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making us the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you. They must have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.
Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above) – somewhere you are LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong, and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give, it is never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you do not fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.
Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled, and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts, and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!
A Narcissist does not acknowledge individuality or even like other people (remember we are just objects to use.) Along with this premise the Narcissist does not care about being liked – THEY DEMAND to be admired, feared, and favored, (as well as completely extorting their targets to get supply.) They do not care about getting along with people, and a Narcissist is no more capable of considering the consequences of their actions than a rock would. There is no consideration for anybody or anything with a Narcissist and nothing is ever about whatever it REALLY is, instead it is always all about their omnipotence, superiority, or ego instead or their fake façade. They MUST exploit EVERY single interaction with us to gratify THEIR needy ego at your ego’s expense or even DESTRUCTION. There is no end to it. It is exasperating and you never get through that brick wall a Narcissist throws up in front of you constantly, so always remember how much time you have tried to break down barriers to “fix” things. Everything would just bounce back to you as more blame and shame from the Narcissist. It was a relationship that was meant to deny you every bit of gratification or any “giving” from the Narcissist and instead “taking” every bit of gratification (supply) they could for their vast needy void.
This is the reality with a Malignant Narcissist be it a wife, husband, partner, brother, sister, friend, mother, father or whomever. There is and never was ANY type of a real relationship, just time lost with a disordered, destructive, and abusive person and great loss. There is no closure to this abuse because there is no real person, so we only have the sad truth to embrace to start us out on a realistic path of recovery AND yes heal and join life again. Any interaction with a Narcissist is ALWAYS damaging and destructive to people – that is why we are all here sharing to educate and help resolve these issues with all targets. Say NO to that Narcissist with NO or minimal contact and start on YOUR journey Forward! Greg
Narcissists are completely amoral or just numb to the existence of morality as far as their so-called and all important FAUX integrity they proclaim to have because all of their life is based solely on what the Narcissist wants so there are no rules or laws they abide by. It is like a cantankerous, irrational three-year-old child throwing a tantrum for something they want and want NOW.
THIS is so very important to understand about Narcissists and really deserves repeating OFTEN!! Narcissists are completely amoral or just numb to the existence of morality as far as their so-called and all important FAUX integrity they proclaim to have because all of their life is based solely on what the Narcissist wants so there are no rules or laws they abide by. It is like a cantankerous, irrational three-year-old child throwing a tantrum for something they want and want NOW. The Narcissist never gives up the argument or the lie. That Narcissist is standing there in front of you to win. If you engage the Narcissist, he/she will pull you down to their level. Keep engaging in an argument with a Narcissist and he/she brings it down to another level, and another level AND to a level lower than you care to stoop to, so you just stop then and there because it is just futile to go on anymore. The Narcissist has no self-respect, and behaving this way is not beneath them.
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
Now you are standing in front of them and they look like big boys and girls (adults) but they are dragging you back to your days at the playground and if you don’t play exactly the way they want you to play “make believe” they will throw you off of the merry-go-round. I learned this early on to disengage with my Narcissist or an argument could go on for days AND this Narcissist would easily resort to making fun of me or whatever it took to take me down. It is control pure and simple. Clinically we get here and engage in their fantasy world because it is like having a fairy Godmother/father that appears one day with their magic wand and gives us unbounding love (love bombing actually.) The Narcissists play world and castle then starts to crumble and we try to duck and protect ourselves to avoid the fallout and we get devalued and discarded for doing so.
In all honesty a Narcissist only has the mentality of a playground bully. They incorporate other kids that are weaker and smaller than them with threats to join in on their imaginary games or else. There will always be someone that asserts their individuality in the playground and that Narcissist will gang up on and harm whomever with the help of their little gang. Be assured you will be run off that playground just for being you and not buying into the Narcissistic bullying, dysfunction and games. You may even get the Narcissist’s Mommy knocking at your door and really get in trouble.
But no matter how big a lie or how big a fit the Narcissist throws if you allow it you are enabling the narcissist’s lies and that is a huge mistake no matter what the cost is to you otherwise. It facilitates the Narcissist’s delusions, and it gives them a power rush and CONTROL. Thus the Narcissists is cramming his/her delusion through insults to your intelligence down your throat. You are spoiling that Narcissistic brat/bully and allowing the monster to grow and take over completely. Unfortunately, people make this mistake because of the Narcissist’s GOOD qualities that preempted the appearance of this raging bully. Greg
Narcissists and their abuse do NOT have an OFF SWITCH – they only manipulate situations to fool us into believing in them once again, and again, and again until we say NO MORE
Narcissists and their abuse do NOT have an OFF SWITCH – they only manipulate situations to fool us into believing in them once again, and again, and again until we say NO MORE! An important reminder AND the truth! Narcissists do not change, they only pull you back into their abuse through more manipulation to keep you hanging on – but NOTHING ever changes! Just new lies and more manipulation because they are psycho bullies that USE people.
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
So what defines them? The Narcissist is an abuser pure and simple! They attack all people as part of their agenda and he/she attacks all prey they can and will keep attacking as long as they can find a way back into our life. They trap their prey just like a predator to create an unfair advantage over them and then with the “agenda” of achieving supply they devour what they can from us – they never pick a fair fight – IT IS ALL SMOKE AND MIRRORS and a MASK they use to manipulate our emotions.
They are bullies, period that use lies and manipulation while hiding in the shadows to avoid being exposed by the light of the truth! REMEMBER THIS – they can control themselves in public, but they abuse behind closed doors when nobody, but their target is present. That is a huge indicator that a Narcissist is VERY aware of their actions and keeps their abusive ‘self’ well hidden. So, the process is cognitive, or the Narcissist is ‘thinking’ about what they are doing based on consequences, to protect themselves from exposure. They know what they do is considered horrendous and dehumanizing to the people they attack – so they cleverly create an incredibly positive and fake ‘Narcissist mask’ in public that makes them out to be the next best thing to a saint, and they blame and shame the rest of the world for their sins. They are rationally thinking about their abusive actions and know if they are ever exposed, they would be considered DANGEROUS or even criminals. SMOKE and MIRRORS a cognitive process that is really cause and effect. The MASK that covers the truth! Greg
We can NEVER EVER engage or reengage with their chaos and conflict because they are aimed directly at diminishing us and managing us down to SUPPORT their agenda, their lies, their manipulation, and their con job!
Empower yourself with these words and internalize them: We can NEVER EVER engage or reengage with their chaos and conflict because they are aimed directly at diminishing us and managing us down to SUPPORT their agenda! Narcissists are masters of spin and diversionary tactics to drive their “conflicted reality” home through brute verbal force, emotional dismissiveness, psychological games, and delusional reasoning. If you are involved with a Narcissist, you know these communication strategies firsthand.
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
When you present facts that contradict their beliefs, they bamboozle you by using off-topic tangents, changing the subject, or creating a new accusation AGAINST YOU or creating CONFLICT! It is NEVER about FACTS – but instead distorting FACTS to support their agenda. While you are still defending your original point and its validity, the Narcissist completely dismisses you (because you are making sense/telling the truth) and distracts you by jumping to another topic that is completely out in left field. and then they somehow condemn YOU with some off tangent nonsense. They are always judge, jury, and executioner.
Narcissists have absolutely no capacity for context or truth. Either you see things their way or you must be crushed into the ground – and believe me they think nothing of how they will crush a person into the ground. You cannot respectfully agree to disagree with them. Any criticism or difference of opinion is a challenge to their “authority, power, and control” and is seen as a threat and will be treated as such and you will be devalued, demeaned, debased, dehumanized, and destroyed – it is just that serious to them. BUT serious to them is not in any normal context – it is complete denial and avoidance all bundled up in all these tactics to be in control and exert power over us. Remember we are only an object to serve them so we must revere them as well OR ELSE!
The Narcissist employs loud and deliberate RAGING as another tactic when all else fails. The more wrong an emotionally and abusive Narcissist is the louder and/or more resolute they get with their attack. Their level of fake outrage, vindictiveness or emotional withdrawal is in direct proportion to how accurate you are. They will either talk over you, or shout at you, repeating the same simplistic, emotionally charged statements over and over until they drown out all reason, you pass out from the exhaustion of it all, or they give you the silent treatment until you submit and apologize for your “offense.” BUT THEY COMMITTED THE OFFENSE, and they are very adept at diverting from the truth with their pathological bullying so we better retreat and learn our lessons. My Narcissist employed this tactic every time they would find some anonymous sexual partner that I would find out about. First the incredulous story that I would shake my head at in total disbelief, then the extreme rage attack because I just did not believe this Narcissist, and then my morals were attacked as if I was the guilty party having these constant affairs.
LASTLY, let’s remember that Narcissists are also very adept at shifting blame to all others for everything that is wrong and never consider how they contribute to and cause the issues as well as their own unhappiness. They just shift responsibility to make you seem bad and crazy in an effort to shame you into submission. They will punish you for their own offenses as well – that is what we are “employed for” by the Narcissist because THEY need to project onto us. We are here to serve them, save them, take care of their every need, change their diapers, accept all of their faults as if they are our own, allow them to betray us and accept it as well as be blamed for it, we must allow them to extort everything they can from us, and we are not allowed to view any of this as anything but a privilege to be in their company – AND they never give anything in return. If we follow all these rules, we are allowed to be their friend, their beloved family, or love them but we must also pay the price for this wonderful relationship by being stripped of our individuality, integrity, self-esteem and driven to insanity from their delusional abuse.
At heart, a Narcissist is a terroristic bully who will try to steamroll anyone who disagrees with them or when they DON’T get their way. It is not just about controlling THEIR reality, but controlling everyone else’s reality, too. When you allow a Narcissist to determine reality, it would be like letting one of the inmates control/run the asylum. There is only ONE way with a Narcissist and that is discarding them from our life with no/minimal contact. Greg
FACT: Narcissists always rewrite history whether it is lying, switching out their story to confuse us, manipulate us with FALSE facts, deny OUR memory, or any number of things to keep us in that constant maze of desperation and blame to ultimately push us to the edge and over if they can. YOU ARE NOT THE CRAZY ONE – you are being manipulated to FEEL like you are – disengage completely!
FACT: Narcissists always rewrite history whether it is lying, switching out their story to confuse us, manipulate us with FALSE facts, deny OUR memory, or any number of things to keep us in that constant maze of desperation and blame to ultimately push us to the edge and over if they can. YOU ARE NOT THE CRAZY ONE – you are being manipulated to FEEL like you are – disengage completely!
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
The Narcissist has successfully developed strong and shrewd communication skills that basically invalidate and manipulate our own perceptions about ourselves and distort all logic and reasoning rendering OUR communication with them useless. All interpersonal communication becomes twisted, circular, and an opportunity to make us feel invalidated, wrong, mentally unstable, invalidated and basically worthless. This within itself is often overlooked (the subtle abuse) but it is as dangerous as any of their other tools in the arsenal of Narcissistic abuse!
Well let us go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. NOW, let us define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced, and not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims. The key words that describe the whole cycle of abuse are love-bombing, devaluation, discard, and I always add DESTROY! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled.
So, what goes on in the omnipotent Narcissists distorted version of life? There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment as it concerns any other human being on this planet – people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use, abuse, and discard at will. It is a very controlled mechanism in their arsenal of abuse. Normal people respect all life, but a Narcissist does not deem life as worthy of THEIR respect. So, by treating others as unworthy the Narcissist is acting as if they are beneath reprieve for their actions, and we are totally insignificant, very disposable, and infinitely less important than the all-important Narcissist. A Narcissist has no more regard for us than a person that steps on and squashes a poor bug that is minding its own business on the ground. Basically, and unequivocally, we are nothing and the Narcissist is everything in their world and at all costs even if it means total destruction of an individual!
Here is a quick ‘personal’ example from my past abuse situation of the flip flop rhetoric and tactics a Narcissist employs to constantly keep us on that up and down dizzying roller coaster ride: In one breath my Narcissist would say I was ‘the one,’ we were soul mates, and the perfect person the Narcissist had searched for all their life. I was praised for being intelligent, physically attractive; I had wit and charm, as well as many other wonderful accomplishments. Then in an about face this Narcissist would deny all of what they said and find fault with everything I did, criticize the way I looked by making fun of me, denigrate my profession as a chef instructor calling me a cook that only serviced other people, scream at me, tell me I had no breeding or culture, had an ugly home, had no friends, was thoughtless, unaffectionate, selfish, etc.
What does all of this shout out at us? Many opposite and damaging extremes and the actions of a highly dysfunctional and manipulative abuser. Specifically, one that uses CHARM and HARM to constantly modify their victim’s behavior AND security to keep them totally off balance — and in a constant thick fog of confusion by purposely manipulating with fake emotions and psychological abuse tactics. It completely distorts the victim’s thought processes and creates a form of trauma bond or a mishmash of intense feelings stretching from intense NEGATIVE rejection/putdowns and then back to the POSITIVE lifting up and attraction again. All of this takes up a great deal of your brain’s real estate and hijacks your emotions and ‘normal!’ AGAIN, like a ride on a roller coaster that leaves you craving the highs. Remember those highs you experienced seemed so great – but they were NOT. Everything became VERY painful/agonizing and that is what leaves you craving and ruminating about the old highs you ONCE believed in. BUT it will NEVER change, and you will be left on this roller coaster ride but without those highs because one day it all crashes OR YOU GET OFF FIRST.
The journey to recovery is now a process because we were unconsciously living and dealing with all the manipulative and destructive messages we internalized and validated as our reality. We must seek out education about this abuse and the truth about our situation as a key to unlock the door to our recovery. Yes, those messages are going to be in our head for a good while BUT we must create a healthy balance and desensitize them. What this means is that we must move into a place where it is possible for us to recognize that a person HAS betrayed us in a manner to control us through mental abuse. We must think about it in terms to validate the truth of the situation, but not to try to dissect the Narcissist and put our energy into trying to get into their heads. We spent a great deal of time trying to fix or basically heal them and we gave away too much of ourselves and ALL we got in return were MORE lies, manipulation, twisted stories, diversion, blame and more chaos. Turn this around and accept the truth that they are completely disordered and put that healing power back into yourself.
You HAVE the ability to change if you deprogram the messages that have been imprinted on your mind if you ALLOW yourself to be your OWN motivator in this process. Just say ‘NO’ to Narcissist. Remember the old drug campaign that showed an egg as describing your ‘healthy’ brain, and then it showed that same egg in a frying pan stating this is your brain on drugs (the fried egg.) Well just switch that around to the fired egg being your brain after being with a Narcissist. Please understand no/minimal contact and start of your road to recovery, it is imperative to moving on! Gre
After Narcissistic Abuse 