It is time to completely end this relationship, break that fake bond that we were manipulated into believing was real, and empower ourselves with the truth that THIS WAS ABUSE by a personality disordered person. You deserve freedom, life, love, respect and the dignity that ALL human beings deserve.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
This is not just ending a relationship and grieving the emotional connection with another person – this was emotional and psychological abuse that COMPLETELY traumatizes the victim! This abuse is debilitating and the victim needs love, help, support and most importantly heard and understood so that they can move forward and get the necessary help and then go back out into the world feeling mentally, emotionally and physically healthy again AND to be able to trust people.
Let’s unpack this all with the REAL truth about this abuse and put it out there in a manner to understand exactly what happened to you from being in this relationship with a Narcissist! This type of abuse has exposed you to horrible manipulation, confusion, betrayal, resounding fear and terror because of the coercive methods from the Narcissist as well as dehumanizing control and TRAUMA. It is not the target/victim JUST grieving the loss of love, it is the grieving of the dehumanization and subjugation from their perpetrator or the Narcissist. The target/victim bundles everything up and somehow even blames themselves as if they created everything they are feeling as well as deserve it because of the Narcissist’s destructive and manipulative messages. The target/victim may even feel that there is something terribly wrong with THEM and accepting the complete blame for the demise of this desperate relationship. There may be biological children involved, financial ruin and character assassination waiting for the target/victim as well the Narcissist’s smear campaign that is in place that destroys the target’s integrity. This is probably the darkest time of the target/victim’s life having to deal with the total devaluation, discard, and devastation from someone that they BELIEVED loved them and cared for them! This is betrayal so hideous that a person that has never experienced this abuse could NEVER even start to realize the damage that is done to a target/victim and the extreme trauma it causes them and their life.
Time alone does not heal these wounds! Unfortunately for the target/victim there is the tendency where family, friends, loved ones, or people in general will discount the target/victim’s behavior as flaws in THEIR personality as if they gave into or deserved the abuse because they did not leave the Narcissist. Nobody is listening to the real truth of your situation because it sounds so incredulous so the pleas for help are lost with the misinterpretation of your situation. Once AGAIN, the target/victim is left with more isolation, damage, vulnerable AND alone to figure this out on their own. Most people just presume that THEY would have been more resourceful or show greater courage, strength, and resistance if THEY were the victim and in similar circumstances. They will just tell the target/victim to move on and allow time to heal the wounds. What does this message say or do to the target/victim? It makes them BELIEVE that they ARE the source of their own problems and it is reinforcing and even validating the abuse from the Narcissist instead of helping. This is a very lonely and scary place to be!
With emotional and psychological battering or abuse victims are entrapped by extreme manipulative and psychological persuasion over a lengthy period of time or basically brainwashing and horrific control that isolates them and distorts and corrupts their normal reality. What was the nature of our perpetrator when we met them? Did they have us at gunpoint forcing us into this psychological terrorism or did they offer us something so very familiar, normal, trustworthy and welcoming called LOVE? Yes, they came to us with overwhelming charm and if that doesn’t define a predator I don’t know what does! I have met very many wonderful friends that were victims of this abuse from all over the world since I started writing that I interact with daily and they are some of the strongest and most centered people I have ever encountered. There isn’t anything about them that shouts out to me that they allowed their abuse! They are full of love, empathy and high functioning individuals and unfortunately they fell into the trap of this abuse and our struggling to regain their belief system and get their spirt back!
Well let’s go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let’s define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced and unhealthy and basically not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or they are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims. The key words that describes the whole cycle of abuse is love-bombing, devaluation, discard and I always add smearing or destroying the victim’s integrity and most importantly traumatization! In a nutshell, they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled and it was imposed onto us and situational abuse meaning the Narcissist did this with the intent to manipulate, betray, and extort what they could.
The journey to recovery is now a process because we were unconsciously living and dealing with all the destructive messages we internalized that corrupted our reality or new normal by being with this personality disordered Narcissist. We MUST seek out education about this abuse and the truth about our situation as a key to unlock the door to our recovery. Yes, those messages are going to be in our head for a good while BUT we have to create a healthy balance and desensitize them with a strong education about these perpetrators and this personality disorder. What this means is that we have to move into a place where it is possible for us to recognize that a person HAS betrayed us in a manner to control us through psychological and emotional l abuse. We have to think about it in terms to validate the truth of the situation, but not to try to dissect the Narcissist and put our energy into trying to get into their heads or constantly reliving the abuse with more and more questions as if we could have done something to fix this relationship and the Narcissist. We spent a great deal of time trying to fix or basically heal them and we gave away too much of ourselves and it ONLY yielded more abuse. Turn this around and accept the truth that they are completely disordered and put that healing power back into yourself.
The recovery process is so multi-dimensional that it means that there are really no simple answers to the question “how do I stop the pain and what do I do to move forward with my recovery?” There are answers that we need to have in the beginning of our recovery but they are basically concerning the educational process and a tried and true direction so we are ‘in the know’ about this disorder and can get our ‘ah ha’ moment and move forward with the truth.
The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation and abuse. Believe me they are not going to help you through your process of recovery when they were your abuser. If you do make contact with them they will only make you BEG for their approval once again. They have probably already run off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. That would pull you right back into the trauma, chaos, and more confusion that you are trying to heal from already as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along.
Seriously I had to shut my Narcissist down with complete no-contact or go insane listening to the craziness! It was crystal clear what I was dealing with and I did shut it down. I would still be receiving emails and text messages to this day if I didn’t. It was like a party to this Narcissist with being able to have free range raging at me, making fun of me, telling me sick and perverted stories of their crazy sex life, and projecting every horrendous thing this Narcissist did to me. That was enough for me to actualize just how dysfunctional and repulsive this person was/is. Seeing and hearing them when their mask is off is frightening and eye opening. It was like projectile lies and ‘crazy making’ being shot at me from everywhere.
It is important for all of us to be validated as it concerns this abuse but that validation has to come from ourselves because a Narcissist is NEVER going to allow themselves to be exposed as an abuser. In fact, that Narcissist is STILL abusing you AFTER THE FACT through a vicious smear campaign using every piece of personal information they have learned about you against you now. This is just more of their devaluation and when they abandon you they mean to leave no trace of your reality in tact SO THEY CAN FEEL SAFE and avoid exposure! If that doesn’t describe a vile and offensive enemy I don’t know what will. They are not your lover, friend or anything but an enemy when they are running off to newer supply.
The Narcissist has manipulated and managed us down and not trusting OUR own feelings and perceptions. Over the years we internalized this twisted and distorted relationship and bent our own emotions until we almost snapped in half in an effort to fix the relationship we THOUGHT we had. We can’t buy into those distortions and also expect to recover. That process is still running through our heads even though they have physically parted from our lives and we MUST shut these thoughts down. It was a horrendous roller coaster ride to keep us in a state of confusion and fear with so many ups and downs with no end to the ride and now it is time to jump off.
As hard as it may seem for us to purge all of the abuse out of us, it CAN be done. We were normal and psychologically sound people pre-Narcissist and we can get back to what and who we once were. It does require deep introspection and setting up new and strong boundaries in our life and even taking a look at our part in any of this. There are many theories out there and they all have their purpose, but it has to begin with us. Get healthy first by breaking completely away from the emotional tie or that bond that was born from the charming lies of a Narcissist. This can be done with minimal contact as well (when there are divorce proceedings or biological children) – BUT everything that ties you to a Narcissist has to be BUSINESS only because remember they abuse and want to always have that control over you to drag you back in – DON’T let them.
You HAVE the ability to change if you deprogram the messages that have been imprinted on your mind but only if you ALLOW yourself to be your OWN motivator in this process. Just say ‘NO’ to the Narcissist. Remember the old drug campaign that showed an egg as describing your ‘healthy’ brain, and then it showed that same egg in a frying pan stating this is your brain on drugs (the fried egg.) Well just switch that around to the fried egg being your brain by accepting a Narcissist as any part of your thoughts, your life or your recovery. Please understand no/minimal contact and start on your road to recovery, it is imperative to moving on! All of this starts with no/minimum contact! Greg
Don’t be a prisoner to an abusive Narcissist for life by allowing their messages to have space in your mind and heart forever – THIS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU – it had EVERYTHING to do with a personality disordered Narcissist! The first real steps to recovery – knowledge and a strong education.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
SAY NEVER! We never, never, never deserved this and most assuredly NEVER, EVER asked for this abuse because of WHO we are. ALSO say to yourself that YOU do not have issues, or are to blame, the problem or any of the negative rhetoric this Narcissist forced into your heart and head. We wonder where our prince/princess charming has gone and WHAT HAS HAPPENED that made this go so wrong because now they are more like Dr. Jekyll and Mr./Ms. Hyde. Well the time has come that we HAVE to move forward and learn about these predators and what we experienced was more like the fairy tale or monster novel that I described in the prior sentence because none of it was real. We have ONE DIRECTION and that is forward and now it is time for some education about this abuse and THAT is where you must go. We could only have wished we had known that this was abuse prior to this deceptive and destructive experience – but how could we have known that this really existed and that there are predators out there like a psychologically abusive Narcissist.
Time to EDUCATE and LIBERATE yourself! Your knowledge will be your success in recovering. It will break the chain of this abuse OR thinking we can help them, cure them, use our ‘love’ to fix them and reverse this, change them, OR plead, bargain or negotiate with this abuser. You WILL quickly realize it is impossible and how the abuser wants us to react to keep us chained up in the chaos of this abuse and under their control. We will finally comprehend they have a problem we can’t possibly fix. Malignant Narcissists are masters at their game AND targeting our empathy, caring, and nurturing instincts as well as capturing us through their fake charm and ‘love.’ If you’ve been attempting to fix this over and over again, STOP and accept the inevitable failure of these attempts and accept the reality that they are what they are (abusive) and there is only one direction and that is OUT of their disordered world and free from them and the debilitating chaos. We have to fix ourselves and right all the wrongs and return back to a real life and the living again.
Their personality traits are so deeply ingrained into the cycles of this abuse that they are totally out of control and beyond ANY HELP WE COULD OFFER. They live a perverse lifestyle and have ridiculously bad judgment as it concerns any other human beings – they just don’t care what they do and hurting others is simply part of the process of getting everything they want. They simply don’t care who they hurt, be it their spouse, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, biological children, friend, co-worker and even their pets. They DO NOT possess the mechanics of empathy, emotions, bonding or love. Their world is satisfied ONLY through EXTERNALIZED stimulation or objectification AND if threatened they will simply annihilate the person that questions them or ATTEMPTS to make them accountable for their abusive actions
They are not able to be in a close relationship or any relationship for that matter because there is no constraint in their life as it concerns their delusional and destructive actions toward other people. THEY JUST DON’T CARE and this IS the real and ONLY truth we must accept to move on and away from them. They lie and betray to manipulate us into believing that they care so they can use AND abuse every aspect of our lives.
In the end, we mourn the loss of reality in our life, along with dreams, memories, time together, small laughs and shared experiences. We mourn the loss of our life as if a part of us was erased or died from this hideous abuse. Our emotional scars cause us to doubt and question the real truth of this ugly reality. We are merely disposable objects to them, and that is incomprehensible to us.
The Narcissist will most certainly react to the use of personal boundaries (or our resistance to their control) but if we are to succeed and break the cycle of this abuse we have to build an impenetrable fortress to keep them out of our lives and heads forever. Violence is always a possibility with a Narcissist so keep this first and foremost in your mind ALWAYS. Be unyielding in protecting yourself with your personal AND physical boundaries as well as with your decisions and expectations from this person. This will go a long way in lifting yourself out from this thick fog and boosting your self-esteem and ending the abuse because you are taking the control away from the Narcissist and back where it belongs with yourself. Refuse to be a target/victim and don’t be a willing participant in your own abuse by ever conceding to this Narcissist ever again – they are not real by any means.
The process of ‘leaving and grieving’ is emotionally devastating and lengthy. Remember that there are options out there like professional therapy or join a support group to reinforce the fact that you are not alone in this. You are not JUST a victim in this abusive situation, you were targeted. In other criminal offenses, the word premeditated is a word often used to describe an action that was thought out beforehand! Don’t expect other people (no matter how close they are to you) to understand what you have been coping with. Without having their own experiences with disordered partners or Narcissists, they cannot fully understand and they won’t be able to offer the real emotional support you need and it is very disappointing to feel so alone without someone to understand and support you now. Don’t take it personally because you have enough on your plate already and you don’t need to feel abandoned and invalidated any more than what you already are. Remember it is hard enough for YOU to understand this yet alone someone else so your stories will sound incredulous.
Let’s think and talk about your emotions at this point. So, I will say what most every other writer says – YOUR EMOTIONS will be on a rollercoaster ride with so many highs and lows. There will be many times when you doubt yourself, and question the reality of this all and WHY you. You can expect good and bad days, obsessive thinking, and thoughts of revenge, anger and serving justice. This is all part of the process – even stirring up all the negativity that essentially is a part of recovery so you can externalize or get rid of it from your mind and get to a healthy life again. We are inquisitive creatures and we NEED to understand so we can make real decisions and form thoughts accordingly. Keep a journal it is an amazing tool because it requires a commitment on your part to keep active and stay strong and on track to recover – it is also wonderful therapy. I did it and it helped me out tremendously because I could read my thoughts on paper and it was like looking from the outside in and gave me a truer perspective when I came back to those thoughts. Surround yourself with good and normal people that can make you smile and even laugh – do NOT isolate yourself and become trapped in your own thoughts about this abuse.
Let’s talk about the relationship with ourselves because we need to be firm with ourselves too. We need to live in the reality of the situation to heal and move forward or stay in this fog forever. We have to ditch that ‘if only’ or need for closure WITH the Narcissist involved, or that obsessive thinking that keeps us hooked wanting to see what’s happening in their lives. We need to accept the truth that we MUST detach and be strong and resist the urge to reconnect with them because they are abusers and ALL of this was a huge con job to trap us into their agenda. You don’t want any part of that anymore because it is destructive to your well-being. Time is our best friend. If we do have to reconnect with this abuser because of obligations – BUSINESS ONLY!
OK, so this is the start of your journey or the first few steps to start out on that road to recovery and that involves fully understanding that you were a victim of this abuse and the person you loved or cared for was personality disordered and COMPLETELY dysfunctional. It was pathological in such an extreme manner that it is just impossible to understand how another human being could be so cruel and abhorrent to lead a basically good, caring, and loving person down a road of psychological abuse that essentially could destroy or damage them for life. This is a feeling that nobody could ever understand and there are NO ADEQUATE words to describe the feeling of what this abuse does to a sane, loving and empathic person. To understand the time that is lost, the EXTREME betrayal, and the experience of feeling worthless AND punished for no other reason than the fact that you were at the wrong place at the WRONG time and chosen by a predator to be their next victim of abuse. It is incomprehensible and takes so much self-reflection, strength, courage, love, self-compassion, validation, and a new journey that we MUST embark on to fix ourselves now. Sometimes it doesn’t happen because many targets/victims do not even understand that they have been abused, they are convinced that they were to blame and have issues concerning their mental health because the abuse was basically psychological terrorism and MEANT to make them feel insane, crazy, etc. They were intentionally led down this road by a malignant Narcissist and the ABUSE has disabled them mentally so they also believe they ARE AT FAULT and live in that confusion and fog forever and NEVER recovering fully! THIS is why knowledge and education is your first effective tool to unravel the extreme confusion – that and no/minimal contact. Greg
You must stop traveling through the past to review everything that you could have done to change any of this, make it work, fix the relationship or anything – what you can change is accepting the truth and the reality that you were in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship and you are so very lucky to be out of it now. Self-reflection is a NOW an opportunity to grow and heal by understanding the process of abuse and how it was situational and there is absolutely nothing you can have done OR do to change this except to move on.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
OK so now we’re faced with ourselves and YIKES to this. Our self-esteem is crushed, we feel humiliated, we are hurt, vulnerable, confused, traumatized and having to start out on a journey we never expected we would be on. Out of the ashes comes some harsh reality. We may be ashamed to admit that our partner, spouse, family member or friend was abusive and mentally disordered or a Malignant Narcissist because what does THAT say about us now? As we learn about this abuse we will learn a lot about ourselves too.
OK so ‘it is what it is’ and now we must move forward by first understanding that no matter what the situation is about us personally, NOBODY deserves to be abused and NEVER and I mean never blame yourself for this abuse. Stop traveling through the past to review everything that you could have done to change any of this, make it work, fix the relationship or anything – what you can change is accepting the truth and the reality that you were in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship and you are so very lucky to be out of it now. Self-reflection is a NOW an opportunity to grow and heal by understanding the process of abuse and how it was situational and there is absolutely no acceptable reason or justification for the abuse you experienced. Let it be a guide to help you grow from this terrible experience, and use it as part of the education to create a process to make yourself emotionally healthy again and strong.
Remember if you blame yourself or accept some theory that says you are responsible for this, you are only blaming yourself like the Narcissist did to you throughout the whole relationship and essentially saying that you are an unhealthy person and have always been that way and deserved this. Get healthy first with the many ‘ah ha’ moments you gain from knowledge, education and support. With a healthy mind you will make the necessary perspective and changes to create the healthy boundaries you need. You will dig deep down inside of yourself and heal anything that may have kept you hanging onto this desperate love. You WILL have a rebirthing process where you change many things about yourself to NEVER allow any toxic behavior back into your life. You WILL grow to your fullest potential after experiencing such darkness – that is what we do as humans. Remember that the Narcissist attacked your vulnerabilities and made you hyperaware of them in a manner that you believe that defined your totality.
Here is something else we must also consider. We are now the lucky recipients of some amazing first-hand knowledge of these chameleons, shape shifters, or human impersonators. Down the road, we do come out of this horrendous experience a lot smarter and more self-aware about people and life – and yes to LOVE too. We all function at our best when we can put our real empathy, love, and nurturing/helping talent to good use in life – don’t lose that just tweak it so that you give it to deserving and real people. Also, be good to yourself and carefully pick those who deserve your special talents, abilities, amazing qualities, and love. There is a wonderful world waiting out there BUT we have to remember that life is not always about a prince/princess charming being the center of our universe. That is a fable to understand what love could be and it can be – but don’t forget that there are also the fables and stories out there about the monsters that ALSO could be or can be there too. When you become strong and whole again you will adapt to a life that is somewhere in between the fairy tales and monster stories – or normal relationships with good people.
You have to get very cuddly and loving with yourself because every second of blame and pain from remorse is only keeping you frozen in the pain and anguish of the abuse and STUCK – that is what causes us to travel back to all of those ‘what ifs!’ Own it for sure, deal with it, align your truths that it was abuse and then discard it along with every negative message and action from this Narcissist. You feel enough pain as it is so don’t reinforce it or add to it, hug yourself instead and on a REGULAR basis. Be easy on yourself and enjoy the simple truths of life, the small goodness you see in the miracles that are all around you, because life is meant to enjoy. This may seem like silly words but put yourself out there in a manner to see that life is good and understand that you CAN’T allow this Narcissist to live in your head forever because it is blinding your ability to see a good future and to live once again. Resolve will bring you back around again to goodness and clarity that life does offer AND you deserve it. Always returning or continued contact with a Narcissist or any abuser is not going to change anything and only keeps you hanging on to some sort of false hope. If you are having difficulty with this professional therapy is needed to break the cycle of abuse – and again IF you are stuck in it!
What will become one of the strongest esteem building tools in OUR arsenal is the power that comes from removing ourselves from the abuse because we get it! NO CONTACT is born out of the real NEED to separate and distance ourselves physically, emotionally and verbally from a disordered and dangerous Narcissist. Time and distance have a wonderful way of bringing clarity to this situation and a surefire way to heal. These abusers will leave us in the most emotionally crushing way they can because this is what they do! They choose the perfect timing and they inflict great emotional devastation, and they also enjoy doing it. They take what is near and dear to you or your reality and crush it as they casually walk away because they want you down because then they remain in control. In time we realize the relationship was doomed to failure, but we don’t realize that until later when it is too late! You will undergo many changes in your ways of thinking about your situation and life in general and a very astute change of your expectations. Basically, we have experienced the nearest thing to darkness or evil that we will ever have the unfortunate and hideous opportunity to experience again.
SO, let’s really understand this ‘no contact’ – ANY involvement with them causes complete chaos and confusion of our otherwise healthy judgment. We need our time to learn, gain perspective, and heal ourselves and break from their hypnotizing manipulation that corrupted our reality and normal. This is the perfect opportunity to learn and grow in many unforeseen ways so make this YOUR time. We all need to accept ownership of any mistakes we may have made along the way. AGAIN, if we must make contact because of legal/custody arrangements, etc. – make it business only and absolutely nothing else. Don’t allow an abuser to bait you back in and NEVER negotiate with them or you will be dragged back into the darkness of their abuse. Narcissists do not align with any truths other than what serves them.
A Narcissist is not going to make the end of their abuse or the relationship easy. In all probability they will enjoy watching you squirm as long as they can. They will flaunt their new ‘soul mate’ under your nose. The Narcissist will have their new target convinced you are an obsessed and an insane person who has gone over the edge, but you know the truth and that is all that needs to matter to you (your truths). They abuse through their trickery and manipulation and that is what you are seeing right under your nose so ignore it and never look at them OR think about them in any manner again. If you have to look back remind yourself of the exact behavior, deception, and abuse that you experienced. The Narcissist will say nasty things about you to anyone they can to destroy your integrity and to avoid exposure of the real truth of their abusive ways – again THIS is what a Narcissist does and now you can see them without their mask. If there are legal ramifications with a divorce, they will fight you tooth and nail for every cent. The Narcissist will try and turn the kids and everybody else against you. They will stalk and harass you to cover their tracks of abuse and could become violent to instill fear. You’ll be having a hard time just coping with the loss of the relationship, let alone the other bombs the Narcissist is dropping on you and your life.
REMEMBER this Narcissist will try to draw you back into the relationship over and over to gain the control and power because they need to SILENCE you. They will only give up when they find new supply or target somebody new. Don’t allow yourself to think that he/she is reaching out because they care ever – that is what they want you to think and they will be counting on your gullibility to achieve this.
If you are stuck or unable to achieve progress through the stages of recovery, you may need professional therapy as well. Many people face this problem so you are not alone and you are not weak because of it. You are strong and looking for every possible door to open that will help you achieve your recovery. A strong therapist that HAS experience with this type of abuse is a powerful tool – just do your homework to make sure the therapist you chose does have experience with malignant Narcissists and traumatization.
You are highly educated about this abuse now and have graduated with the highest honors. You will no longer be naive and trusting or believe that abuse like this doesn’t exist in this world. All of this knowledge you have gained from your abuser (the Narcissist) has opened your eyes so that now you can readily see red flags waving where perhaps you never saw them before! You also realize that a Narcissist is a predator and you know where they hunt for prey and HOW they lure them in. You WILL pay attention to your gut instincts or intuition and watch for signs of abuse anywhere and everywhere and determine the reality of the situation, and YOU WILL protect yourself. Being aware of your vulnerabilities will make you a whole lot smarter the next time a Narcissist slithers into your space or life. Don’t ever doubt the fact that that you will never see more of them in the future because they ARE everywhere. BUT you are a veteran now and you will be able to spot one of these fast talking, slick, and shrewd con artists a mile away. But now you will be armed with the ability to avoid them and protect yourself. But, you always must be careful because they can fake and charm their way into anyone’s heart, then burrow their way into their victim’s mind to abuse them just as your Narcissist did to you. The precious gift here is the freedom you gain from your own self sufficiency and that you SURVIVED abuse.
Maybe now you can embrace that word abuse as well as internalize the truth that you WERE abused by a very disordered, deranged, not fully functioning human being or whatever descriptive word you decide to use – personality disordered defines it best. But they are real and they meant to hurt you, damage you or even destroy you with that charming smile on their face but with a dark empty soul behind it. Taking charge of your life once again has its own rewards too and that is the chance to grow in love again and you will! Now for the Narcissist there is no love and never will be any. They do not have a heart, mind or soul that is equipped to bond in any form or manner with another human being nor do they possess any empathy – they are only looking for external stimulation in life (supply). They only know how to loathe and hate life and the people that live outside of their deranged and delusional world. The real truth lives inside of your heart and mind now and you WILL move forward.
There is nothing easy about this process of recovery and it hurts in many ways because you are learning the truth around so many horrendous lies that had you believing in this person, but it is necessary to move on with your life because it was a betrayal of your love. You can and will recover, I promise that. You will look back at this and see how you have grown in ways you never imagined. Your weaknesses are now your strengths. Love is amazing and even that shrewd and manipulative Narcissist can’t take that from you and he/she NEVER DID because you were too strong and too smart to allow that to happen. That is why they are gone because in the end real love does conquer all – especially a dark and empty Narcissist! They didn’t discard you they realized you were REAL and wise to their horrible agenda and ran off like a coward would. You are here today because you know the truth and are looking to open every door to recovery you can through knowledge, education and the support of other victims and survivors AND you are free from the chains and the monster that harmed you! No/minimal contact always. Greg
So many conflicting thoughts, so much confusion! In reality it is the manipulation, control and abuse from a NARCISSIST that disorientates your thoughts and disables your reality.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Narcissists will degrade their victims, rip apart their self-esteem, and basically erase their personalities! In turn this will basically blind you and make resistance to their control strategies difficult and impossible to detect. This is what psychological abuse does distorts OR diverts your reality and it becomes your ‘new normal.’ They use tactics such as sarcasm, belittling, cruel and constant criticizing, bullying, name calling, berating, excessive blaming, gas-lighting, screaming, raging, threatening, deflecting, ignoring, silencing, isolating, humiliation AND dehumanization. Over time, the constant verbal and emotional attacks weaken the target/victim and erode their sense of self confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem while it enables the Narcissist to feel more powerful and, hence, more and more in control over your reality and life. It is this constant managing down that breaks your spirit completely. You are not experiencing a relationship you are experiencing a reactionary connection with them where you are STUCK constantly explaining and defending yourself in an attempt to return to those days that you were affirmed and loved by this creature. There was no love because that was just another manipulation to gain your trust to make you vulnerable to the Narcissist’s abuse!
The Narcissist purposely seeks out and plays on your vulnerabilities, fear, guilt, compassion, and values to get what they want. They have gained your trust by making you believe they loved you. This could include threats to end the relationship, silencing or a “cold shoulder,” punishment or other fear tactics. A Narcissist believes and projects an attitude of being omnipotent or all powerful but basically, they are really trying to conquer their targets/victims. They need to be in control of others and must have everything their way or they will resort to threats or any other methods to achieve total submission in people. Eventually, the target/victim loses the battle and becomes a prisoner to the Narcissist and the abuse. Just imagine the number of years a target/victim is subjected to this hideous brain-washing and the resulting damage!
Your mind is always trying to process this duality that exists because unlike the Narcissist you possess empathy – you love them and believe in them but on the other hand you don’t like what they do to you and you find yourself buried under all of this as you try to sort through it and make this relationship cohesive again. Is it ‘you’ or is it ‘them?’ How can the person you love and vice versa have changed so drastically? They haven’t changed, you are only seeing the truth about who and what they are. You just don’t completely get it YET. What exists is cognitive dissonance. In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values. The theory of cognitive dissonance focuses on how we strive for internal consistency. When inconsistency (dissonance) is experienced, individuals tend to become psychologically uncomfortable and they are motivated to attempt to reduce this dissonance, as well as actively avoiding the situations and information which are likely to increase it. The struggle exists within loving this person and trying to avoid the unavoidable and consistent managing down (or the dissonance.) How do you avoid this when love is the reality that you are hanging onto? You do this with education and knowledge to understand that you are dealing with a personality disordered person that will no change nor do they want to change.
Narcissists intentionally promote feelings of anxiety and despair in their targets/victims by making impervious threats and using intimidation, bullying, and lies. This unfortunately can cause the victim to submit to the unreasonable demands or pathological bullying by the Narcissist. The Narcissist will also isolate their target/victim to deprive them of any outside support which further reduces their ability to resist and give into their disordered demands as the victim’s reality is distorted. The Narcissist will keep the target/victim unaware of what is happening perhaps by taking complete control of the finances, making plans that are unknown to the victim, tell lies about them to others, being distant, withholding feelings, etc. This strategy leads to the target/victim becoming totally dependent on the Narcissist for validation and information because of the isolation. That information will of course be distorted and damaging to the target/victim.
The Narcissist will insist upon controlling their partner’s time as well as their physical environment to try to curb their NORMAL or natural behavior, reality, and feelings of independence or better yet their individuality. They may even insist on their partner, friend, or family member on giving up certain hobbies, social engagements or even work-related activities further isolating them. They may also insist that their partner move in with them or away with them to a new location which AGAIN further isolates the victim from their family or friends. Abusers may convince the target/victim that aspects of the target/victim’s character or behavior are totally wrong or they have issues, which takes the focus off what the Narcissist is doing or diversion tactics. Using isolation of the target/victim, the Narcissist can then control what type of information, stimuli, and reality the victim has access to. They will triangulate to place wedges between you and close family members or friends pitting you against each other with lies attached to familiarity that they have accessed by knowing you. When you actualize exactly what they are doing you TRULY see how disordered and deviant this person is.
Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts are used to keep the target/victim unsettled and anxious. This behavior leaves the target/victim feeling like they are always on edge and a slave to the Narcissist’s many moods. Targets/victims are always waiting for the other shoe to drop and can never know what is expected. Targets/victims remain hypersensitive or hyper vigilant, waiting for the Narcissist’s next rage, mood change or attack! Living like this is extremely confusing, demanding, disabling, and anxiety provoking, causing the target/victim to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance or the ‘walking on eggshells’ or as I call it ‘walking on shards of broken glass.’ These are the distorted messages that find a home in our heart, mind, and reality.
A Narcissist will deliberately start arguments and be in continual conflict with their present supply to allow the Narcissist freedom to live their ‘out of control’ lifestyle to seek out other supply as well – this again is basically CONTROL. Narcissists are addicted to chaos and drama since it creates excitement and they draw deluded attention from it (supply is positive or negative attention). They will walk away in silence to drive their point home and further punish you. They are not giving any of it a second thought and are probably off seeking other supply to get their hit because it is like a drug to them. These are very disordered creatures that enjoy inflicting pain on their loved ones to feel some sort of disordered power over them.
Needless to say, we are human and even though situations like the aforementioned seem too incredulous to be real because we know our own truths, it still has an effect on us. Somehow, we have to deal with the distorted messages and wonder why the Narcissist is attacking us in such serious ways and we question ourselves as if we have some part in all of this. WHY? Because we are normal human beings that strive for consistency and try to work through things and a Narcissist is not a fully functioning human being and does not have these reasoning powers. Over time these levels of craziness find a place deep down inside of us that make us wonder if we ARE crazy OR crazy for hanging on and trying to resolve any of this. I knew that none of chaos and crazy making had anything to do with me because I knew my life and none of this defined my reality, but the constant question of “why would I be attacked so viciously” would keep me in a constant haze as well as overanalyzing the situation trying to end the conflicts. I remember saying to my Narcissist that we needed a miracle, but there was no miracle that could have fixed any of this! The real miracle was when I accepted the truth and was free from this monster – and YES monster is what describes this person.
You are left with so many conflicting messages that keep you trapped in extreme emotional confusion because this is what the Narcissist wants. By doing this the Narcissist uses us like a yo-yo on a string, constantly forcing you down and then pulling you back up again – perpetual, disordered and dizzying motion to control you and keep you off balance. You don’t have time to clearly think or see the forest for the trees. This is a person that initially proclaimed a real love for you that you invested in AND believed was real. Suddenly that image turns completely around and what was love is now contempt through subtle BUT direct attacks of your integrity to erode your well-being. From there the Narcissist escalates these attacks and they turn into rage, silencing, and punishment to take you completely down and finish the job or the devaluation phase AND then the smear campaign to destroy your integrity.
People do not intentionally hurt people, as well as take advantage of their love or betray their trust! Narcissists will and do FOR SURE! When someone’s actions are unexplainable and fall outside your normal realm of understanding, belief system or moral code, it is not because you ARE the bad person OR you deserve this behavior, INSTEAD it is because there is ultimately something wrong with THEM. Somehow you have to internalize and encapsulate this message so that you steer away from the tendency to blame yourself as well as to assure that you don’t in turn apply compassion to forgive your abuser for harming or destroying you because this was intentional. This is why it is tricky as far as putting the correct spin on the truth! You must also consider your personal safety at all times!
Even though you have labeled them as the Narcissist and they more than likely are, YOU are the one having to deal with sorting this out and finding peace with it because they have moved on and left you with all of the distorted and disabling messages. It will take some time to just understand how someone could possibly be so deceitful, and destructive no matter what! I can say that they (the Narcissist) is definitely the one with the problem, BUT the pain doesn’t go away, nor does that erase what you believed was real! This is not a reality that we have past experience with and you have to adjust your belief system to include this now. This is what novels about creatures and monsters are written about that send a shiver up your spine. The fictional horror movies we have watched are now real to us and one of these creatures existed in our personal world. We can’t just close our eyes or pull a blanket over our head to resist seeing them because they are reality now! Accepting that is an insurmountable process and the truth we have to travel to get to!
You will come out of this. You will form new and strong boundaries. You will reflect on your own inner conflicts and resolve them. You will grow with the knowledge that there are bad and even evil people out there that can and will destroy you. You will learn to differentiate the reality of good and bad in life and seek out the goodness in others and return it naturally as it should be. You will find what is important in life and live with an inner peace from knowing this horrid adversity. It is a life changing reality when someone psychologically rapes and terrorizes your mind. It is an unnecessary evil but you now realize it existed in your world and you will protect yourself at all costs from returning to this Narcissist or allowing a similar toxic or abusive person into your life. It all starts with no/minimal contact to break the chain around your neck! It also requires that you accept the reality of a Narcissist and NEVER return as in trying to figure them out, understand them, and feel a need to help them or associate with anything that concerns them. Put all of that away so you can put positive energy into yourself and your recovery! Greg
Narcissists are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.
Narcissists use a vast arsenal of tools to debase, dehumanize and eventually destroy a person’s self-esteem, and overall spirit – this is psychological abuse pure and simple and they are ABUSERS. We have all heard this many times over, and it is a fact that these words are 100% true – BUT beyond this truth is the reality that there are many targets/victims that have to deal with the destruction caused by a malignant Narcissist. These targets/victims are not just wives, husbands, partners, but also biological children, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers and any other human being in every walk of life!
Narcissist CHARM people into their world and then reduce their spirits to worthlessness AND feeling so vulnerable and THAT is when they start with the psychological terrorism so that they can control their minds and basically use them or harvest them as a source of supply. A Narcissist will employ cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse and shrewd manipulative linguistic or language patterns to CONTROL people around them and force them to question their own sanity and reality AND in turn become dependent on the Narcissist for their reality. Narcissists will also smear their target/victim’s good nature/name behind their back destroying their integrity to others (friends, family, co-workers) so that THEY will also start questioning the sanity of the target/victim. It is like a game of “power and control” through the use of these various methods so that the Narcissist’s is always in charge of their immediate environment and controlling every aspect of it with lies, false appearances, triangulation, coning people, isolating their victims, etc. Narcissists have everybody around them fooled by their charm that hides their true pathological nature and that is what makes them dangerous because behind that mask of sanity is their deceptive agenda that will drain a victim of their worth, erase their personality, and then the Narcissist will just move onto another victim or victims!
When communicating, discussing, debating, or arguing with a Narcissist, a target/victim usually finds themselves at a COMPLETE dead-end. The target/victim’s logic always becomes incompatible or discombobulated with that of the Narcissist and the victim always get purposely outwitted and then steered in the opposite direction from the original topic, especially if it is around questioning them (the Narcissist) or accountability as it concerns the Narcissist. Basically, communicating with them is like walking through a “House of Mirrors” at a carnival. Every thought you express is distorted in so many different ways that you don’t even recognize the original thought and it causes complete confusion– just like your image in the many mirrors that are created to distort your image and make you lose track of your original starting point and destination.
If you say the sky is blue the Narcissist will somehow negate the possibility of it being blue to make you wrong. The Narcissist may even hint that you have certain psychological issues concerning your thoughts about the sky being blue because he/she wants to manage you down. The Narcissist will back it up with concerns that your friends, family, or associates have about your “wild allegations” of the sky being BLUE. Then the Narcissist will accuse you of having an affair and using your story of the “blue sky” as a diversion tactic to trick THEM. Finally, that Narcissist will employ punishment and the silent treatment because of your argumentative views, lies and betrayal concerning your “blue sky” story. The Narcissist then runs out to find a little extra supply on the side to betray you since they now have some “free time” after the chaotic and wild “blue sky” story that has left you in shock, silenced and isolated. After a day or so they come back and tell you that IN FACT the sky is now blue as if the issue over the blue sky never even came up at all AND PERHAPS YOU OVERREACTED! You MAY even get flowers, or dinner, BUT you end up paying for it as usual! OH – and they will tell you that they were taking care of a sick relative and that is why you didn’t hear from them for that day or so that they disappeared. Do we call this denial on the Narcissist’s part that they are just this delusional or are they just denying us access to them using all of these “crazy and chaotic” diversions that deflect us away from the truth about them so they can get away with everything and anything? I say it is all diversions!
The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication to divert reality and cause chaos so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is at that very moment because THIS IS HOW THEY FUNCTION. This agenda is many things, but basically to secure supply, from us and from whoever else is willing to give them supply – it supports their false mask/persona. It took me a while to understand just how this worked, as well as how my Narcissist would divert from every aspect of their life/lifestyle. Everything was always a mystery as far as the past and present. Let me put it this way – everything was MEANT to be kept this way so I would never learn the truth about this Narcissist’s abusive past, out-of-control lifestyle, as well as a perverted lifestyle. Any time I would speak to this Narcissist’s mother I would find out about something that this Narcissist had lied about AND I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK because the truth just always seemed to come out on its own. So, you can imagine just how much this Narcissist was lying, re-writing history and every other little diabolical action. I was always kept at a distance from the Narcissist’s family, but of course told that I never made an attempt to get to know them – AGAIN just more diversion. Remember everything is OUR fault even the very horrendous things they do to us!
Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask, so beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live and we SUPPORT.
How does a simple question concerning accountability turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are and they HAVE to protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. They can NEVER see that real and horrible image of themselves reflected from any of us – that is why they create their amazing facades so the only reflection they see is the one they create that is all lies. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade. In the end when we KNOW the real truth they do a preemptive and silent attack with their smear campaign to completely destroy our integrity so no one will believe us when we start to tell the truth about this pathological critter.
Beneath that thin mask the Narcissist wears is the reality of their pathological self PLUS their WHOLE past of victims/targets they have abused and a raging temper that is like a volcano that can erupt at any given moment. YES, they are aware of their actions because they use lie after lie to cover up their abuse – but they just do not have the mechanics to care. Like a child that stole a piece of candy and lies about it to avoid being punished – so does the Narcissist at a monumental level. Remember their past is always following them and should they ever stop for a moment it will catch up with them and completely consume them because they are abusers that have damaged many people’s lives – even their own family. When the going gets tough the Narcissist gets going – so they are off and running to new supply ALWAYS surrounding themselves with a protective circle of new targets/victims, NEW LIES, as well as a new and WONDEROUS life to shore up their disordered facade AGAIN – and this equation ALWAYS includes the demise/destruction of the previous source of supply and the “believers” that support the delusional Narcissist! Thus, the cycle of abuse – they are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.
A Narcissist will also create vivid situations where they start a conversation off with an agenda in mind – one to create a smokescreen or diversion of some sort. They confuse the target/victim with chaos to perhaps divert a situation into an argument to be able to sneak out and secure some supply they acquired on the side, or just to debase a target/victim and keep them walking on eggshells or to cause constant anxiety to keep us CONDITIONED and a slave to their pathology. This is like being a POW or prisoner of war to the Narcissist – torture and all! This is what they do because what lives inside of them is such a disordered personality that if we were to even have a small glimpse of what they really are I believe we would be shocked even more by the reality of ALL THE TRUTH. I learned this about my Narcissist through talking to their friends and family and I never imagined that there was even more than what I experienced but there was/is, and the truth was beyond a capacity for me to understand. We see the tip of the iceberg and what is hidden beneath the water is monumental in size and so destructive to many people, especially IF THE TRUTH WOULD GET OUT!
Lies and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing reality, but the Narcissist also does this with an agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives, then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity! BUT here is the truth – you are an amazing person, you have all of your mental facilities, you can love, you have great empathy, and you are STRONG because you survived this and are here today. You will recover from this and be free from this abuser. It all starts now with education, knowledge and support. You will align with all of this and the truth of your situation and purge all of the abuse out of your life. It is a process that requires time but it is worth it because you will get your good life back and freedom. It all starts with no/minimal contact to get the clarity you need! Greg
It is during the devaluation phase that you see the real monster behind the mask because the first vision you had was that CHARMING person that was presented to you. But now that Narcissist has emotionally sucked you dry and probably lined up someone new to use and abuse. They have completed another cycle of abuse because YOU saw the truth and they knew it. THEN the rage and attacks start and it is too late because you have been disabled and already lost your reality and soul. You only know how to accept all of the Narcissist’s punches to your heart and mind and react with the least resistance because your reality has been modified to accept this abusive reality in an effort to fix the relationship ONCE MORE. You have always concentrated on keeping things real because you believed – but what was real except for all of the lies, betrayal, and manipulation and how this person was totally coning your life away from you! AGAIN, please internalize this message as the reality of your situation and throw that ‘love bomb’ out the window before it blows up one more time in your heart and head.
When I saw and actualized the real truth it was unfortunately too late because all of the psychological damage was done and the negative messages were planted in my head! Even as strong as I believed I was the horrendous manipulation took my reality and my individuality away and distorted my very thoughts! The damage was also done to the people I cared about and loved too – and they were poisoned to believe the Narcissist’s lies. That Narcissist had to pull out all of the big guns to totally disable me, causing so much havoc within my family, my career and my whole life to instill more fear in me and keep me away from fighting back to avoid exposure. At the time, my mother was living out her last days and this Narcissist even used this in a manner to kick me harder because I was dealing with this tragedy. They are relentless and soulless creatures that lack ANY and ALL empathy as it concerns people. A Narcissist counts on our vulnerability and fear to enable them to control us in any manner they choose – and they create this fear within us! There was no chance at that point to work on myself and figure this all out because I WAS too vulnerable and mentally unhealthy after the years of abuse. The discard battle ensued and was in full force with this Narcissist to try to destroy me when I was no longer a viable source of supply AND wise to them. Then as a Narcissist does to their targets/victims there was also the manipulation AFTER the discard to try to keep me believing with MORE horrendous lies and even saying we could work things out and that went on for almost a year. That was just to divert me, silence me, and to keep me still believing AND confused so I wouldn’t expose this Narcissist! It is the same manipulation that a Narcissist uses all through the relationship that NOW keeps you/us tied into them and STILL believing while they escape the exposure that they are ABUSIVE and move onto their next targets/victim IN THE RELATIONSHIP or out of it with the final discard. They LOVE any kind of power and control!
So, when the end is apparent you are still operating with all of the distorted messages that you were conditioned into believing all throughout the relationship and it makes you feel very alone and desperate to just fix this somehow. It is the ‘same old same old’ as the saying goes! You are not seeing solutions YET, instead you are only reacting to the pain the best you can. Once you are at the discard phase you are only fighting all the harder to fix this because the Narcissist is making you BELIEVE and controlling you with more and more lies! They feel powerful and on top of their game because you are so broken from all of the past abuse! So YES, maybe I was not in my right mind, but that is where this Narcissist wanted me to be and that is what they do to each and every target/victim. I was no fool though, I was and am a very loving and caring person that has empathy and wants to trust and believe in people, but unfortunately I wasn’t dealing with a real person, nor did I see the truth until it was too late. MOST importantly I didn’t have a counter offensive to this abuse because I didn’t know it was abuse at the time! I didn’t have defenses in place at the time to counteract all of the horrendous mind distorting games – nor did I know this was a dysfunctional and destructive con artist or I would have ended this and had this person thrown in jail or locked up in an insane asylum in a heartbeat (unfortunately that isn’t reality because that is difficult to do with this abuse)! BUT through knowledge, education and the support of other victims and survivors I learned the truth and made it my passion to help other people understand the truth as it concerns them as well.
Lies of course are the basic tools a Narcissist uses and they have these lies in place everywhere you turn. They have full ‘back up’ from other people that they have also conned, as well as from the people they charm so seamlessly – remember normal to them is just lies and fictitious stories they create to build up their latest facade. I am not a dumb person that believes everything I hear or see, but I was intentionally blinded from the truth about so many situations, and without that truth I was conned completely. My emotions also kept me from believing my intuition that was screaming at me so many times! Emotions are natural to real people! AGAIN, I was not the only person that was conned into believing this Narcissist’s departures from reality. I did finally see through the lies as we all do because these creatures are insatiable as far as finding new supply and acting upon their every perverted need AND they get caught in the lies too easily and that is really to our benefit because it exposes their darkness and we see the real truth!
This is what they do so that you become dependent on them – this is what their abuse amounts too OR total subjugation of a good human being because they make us their emotional punching bag because of their extreme envy of life and people and their complete lack of empathy. They are very real and destructive creatures and when they trap you in their dark world you have to escape or you could lose your life. This is what the outside world does not see nor understand. It seems like we allowed it because the signs were there all around us! But there were no signs that spelled out abuse and destruction. There were red flags waving but none of them said get out to save your life. Psychological abuse is subtle at first – so the target/victim doesn’t escape the agenda of the person administering it until it is too late. I may be foolish about some things but when it concerns my well-being I am no fool to allow a person to destroy my life. Never assume a role that assigns blame and thinking that makes you out to be that weak. There are REAL and viable actions from a Narcissist like extreme manipulation, gas-lighting, triangulation, lies, etc. that create this abusive situation that takes a victim down. You will do a personal inventory to seek out your personal weaknesses and shore them up when you are healthy – but that is more aptly described as creating boundaries! We are many different types of people that fall prey to this abuse! BUT none of us wanted it or deserved it!
There was a time that I hated this Narcissist, but I realized I hated myself because I believed that this was my fault somehow. I forgave myself when I allowed the truth to become my rational reality. No, I wasn’t stupid because I believed in what I shouldn’t have believed in. Yes, let’s say that somehow, I allowed parts of it in between all of the manipulation and lies BUT I finally got it when the truth became overwhelmingly evident. The truth is not meant to be apparent with a Narcissist, because it would expose them for what they are. Confront them with it and you might as well throw yourself into a tank with hungry sharks!
It was not an easy task getting to the truth because I didn’t know I was dealing with so, so many lies UNTIL they presented themselves to me. There were so many inconsistencies as well as too much disparity with so many people connected to this Narcissist’s life. Friends and family were revealing bits and pieces of the truth and it was overwhelming AND confusing. A new pattern was revealing itself as it concerned my connection and relationship and that was this person was distorting what was real to avoid all accountability and ANY connection to their past! This Narcissist could not afford any more exposure because there was already so much mounting evidence that was already there from past relationships and trouble with most ALL of the family! I had to be destroyed and discredited just like the previous targets/victims were! I was put into a battle and this Narcissist wanted to destroy my integrity and life. A Narcissist just can’t stabilize their ‘out of control’ lifestyle because their needs outweigh EVERYTHING else. They are NOT fully functioning human beings and they are destructive!
So, I finally accepted what I had to and realized that a person that SUPPOSEDLY loved me would not do any of this unless they intentionally wanted to DESTROY me. Then I took into account just how horribly disordered all of these things were and that sold me on the truth that this person was very damaged and destructive. Finally, I had to put my emotions away because they were corrupting the truth of what I was dealing with – a highly disordered and abusive person. It may sound too simple because I am not presenting every single thought, all the factual information, nor the amount of time and sick pain that also came along with these revelations. When I take myself back to my abuse and the pathetic lies and excuses this Narcissist used to cover the truth I just shake my head in disgust and repulsion now. I use to feel like a huge fool, but I know I am not to blame for what was just a distorted game that was personally implemented and imposed on me by this disordered and destructive person. Sadly, the truth didn’t reveal itself when I was a viable and useful source of supply and why we don’t get it until we are no longer useful. A Narcissist pours it on so seamlessly in the beginning because they are getting what they need! We believe it is relative to the love that two people create together. With me, when the truth came out, then I knew I had to get away with my life and that is the journey I started on. Now I can use this truth to help other people. It doesn’t have any negative effect on me, just information I can share to help other people find their way back and you will be at this same place too.
Do whatever it takes to achieve the truth or your ‘ah ha’ moment so you can move on and away from having ANY part in your life! Yes, there were many obstacles, the smear campaign, minions, destruction to your integrity, more games, and more abuse. With me it finally ended when I stopped allowing it and until I committed to changing myself to end this crazy dance! I survived the damage, and I didn’t lose those people that knew me and loved me. I gained a whole new healthy perspective about life and people. I learned to love what was good in me and change what was damaged in me. My biggest lesson was to displace everything about this Narcissist from my life. To reject that this Narcissist was real to me, to accept that this damaged person didn’t care to change and to let it go at that. I know that this may not seem like a viable solution right now to many because the pain is overwhelming but it is a start so please consider this. It is workable and what you must do first or moving on from the Narcissist enough to gain a real understanding (clarity) and then start building your life back up from there. You must do something to end all of the disparity and it only happens by the changes you make for yourself. You have an abundance of love that you gave freely and you must now give it back to yourself. If you don’t free yourself from these chains of this abuse, you will carry them around forever. You can heal from this when you throw that Narcissist out of your life and mind completely.
My advice to you is consistent, however. Do not maintain contact with the Narcissist once the relationship is over. Go no/minimal contact. They know you and how to manipulate your emotions – so accept what they are and what they can do to you if you allow them any bit of entry into your life especially as it concerns YOUR emotions. Having control over you gives them pleasure, every time you reach out to them, you are providing Narcissistic Supply and that is ALL they want. PLUS, Narcissists hate being ignored so they won’t leave you alone until they’ve found a new victim who will adore them without question and then they will replace you in a heartbeat. BUT remember they need to silence you to avoid exposure, so they will do what they can to destroy your integrity. They also WANT to rub your face in all of this to make you always feel worthless in their eyes. That unfortunately is unavoidable but you will survive that too. Only you can allow this Narcissist to completely destroy you, so please don’t. There is nothing and I mean absolutely nothing you can do to fix them or this relationship! There are no miracles out there that can change this creature! There is one miracle and that is you – you can break this cycle of abuse because you have all of the tools right there with you to take you back to a normal reality.
So, how do you end the madness and get your Narcissist out of your mind? Stop trying and allow the truth to get you there! Let them occupy that space for whatever time it takes you to actualize the truth but seek it out as quickly as you can so you don’t stay a victim to them any longer than getting to the truth and releasing. What you suppress will surface until you deal with it. There will be days that you feel that you are only crawling along this path of recovery, BUT any forward motion is success! THERE IS NO OTHER ALTERNATIVE TO THIS! Understand the ABUSE through education and talking it out and then move on and away from them occupying any part of your mind. They are what they are and that is as far as you have to go as the Narcissist is concerned. What you have experienced should never be forgotten because it is now a lesson that you must remember, THEN you are less likely to fall into another Narcissist’s web of abuse. While it seems like I am suggesting that you do not put them out of your mind I am not, I mean don’t put the real lessons from this negative experience away and instead make those lessons new boundaries. Don’t permit ANY of the memories about them rule your life or sanity or you will be lost forever inside of them. Once you work out the true reality or nature of your experience, you will find a way to heal from a Narcissists abuse. It is not easy and it will take time and attention, as well as complete self-honesty. Don’t forget that life is out there and you have to reconnect with it again. Don’t allow disparity to lock you up LIKE A PRISONER. Find a minute, an hour or whatever time to enjoy something or get together with people. REMEMBER this all can only start with no/minimal contact. Greg
It is all about supply and demand! We are supply and the Narcissist demands that we basically serve all of their needs!
For any victim/target, the process of understanding this abuse is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you so much of your time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem, your career or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to this relationship. It may have become your entire life, even having a family with a Narcissist. For the Narcissist, however, the whole process isn’t really personal AT ALL! The Narcissist WILL do the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him/her into their intimate or personal life. We are all reduced and considered as OBJECTS and supply and we are just one of many — be it from their past or even their present since they can and do have multiple sources of supply in their life. Life is a department store where the Narcissist shops for the SPECIFIC supply they desire – but they would be more aptly described as “shoplifters” because they feel completely entitled to take whatever they desire AND when they desire it – AND shopaholics because they are addicted to go after and getting whatever object is in their sights!
They will do it again and again to everyone they seduce into their lair of manipulation, lies, and betrayal. It’s not about you or me, and it is not about the other people involved who are new/extra supply, the many partners they were with, the minions the Narcissist employ in their game and set against you, or the many ‘others” the Narcissist used to make you compete and/or jealous – all of this is supply to validate the Narcissist’s ego, to give him/her pleasure, to meet his/her fickle needs AND to support their façade and lies. No one source of supply means anything more or less than any other supply. When you realize this, it is shocking or better yet traumatizing to accept yet alone believe!
The Narcissist wasn’t with them (the new/extra or any supply) because they are/were superior to you or more loveable, so you have to get that thought completely out of your head and heart. The Narcissist was with them for the same reason that he/she was with you or me – to extort and use them, perhaps for different purposes than the Narcissist used you, but with the same devastating effect – debilitating abuse. The Narcissist will invariably treat others in a very similar way to how he/she treated you. Idealize, devalue and discard – or how the Narcissist utilizes and processes their targets/victims into what we believe is a ‘relationship’ to secure or harvest that ‘supply’ then move on to the next. It was/ is and will always be only about the Narcissist’s need to extort people and life. Our abuse is the outcome of the process (idealize, devalue and discard). They win us over with their pathological seduction to control us and USE US to satisfy all their needs for as long as you stay with the Narcissist. WE ARE ALL SUPPLY AND TEMPORARY. What a horrendous realization to have to accept after you have invested so much into whatever your relationship was with them.
So WHY does a Narcissist idealize their targets in the first place. Why do they invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? Well this is what makes up the components of the abuse as well as defines them as predators, extortionists and the abusers they are. Basically, they need us to survive in this world because they have no alternative because they are a part of this human race but they do NOT think or act like us. They must put on a façade of normalcy to fit in or else be exposed and live a life isolated from any and all human beings.
So, with that in mind the obvious response would be that they do it for security or constant and ‘longer term supply.” Perhaps they do it because they can’t get close to people to secure supply with their TRUE psychopathic nature – SO IT IS A NEEDED PART of the big con job by concentrating their energy on ONE PRIMARY SOURCE and hopefully locking them in long term to always have a steady source readily available so when there are ‘lean times’ they have their bases covered. It is the psychopathy that goes hand in hand with their personality disorder – and it is how they are wired! Whenever a Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because he/she wants something from that person and THEY WILL EXTORT IT OUT OF THEM!
It all depends on what the Narcissist wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him/her. If the Narcissist wants some sort of semblance of order and respectability or a façade of diversion behind which he/she can hide his/her TRUE and perverse nature to appear harmless and normal, he/she may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. If all he/she wants is to have some fun, it will be over within a short period of time, maybe even a couple of hours. If the Narcissist wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he/she may stay with you for as long as you excite him/her. It may even be a relationship so that the Narcissist can climb up the ladder of success in their career and they will target and charm THOSE people that will help them achieve their goal and step all over them to get where they want. If it is to secure an army of ‘minions’ to support the Narcissist’s façade they will create these relationships to avoid exposure. Despite the differences or the length of time or timeline that the Narcissist remains with ANY supply, what will remain constant is that eventually, you’ll be discarded as soon as you no longer serve his/her needs.
They do enjoy the chase, the seduction and the betrayal. They relish creating the illusion that they’re something they’re not because it is all part of their psychopathic ego feeding process and being a Narcissist. They also enjoy observing how they dupe others into believing all of their fiction – AND THE REWARDS ARE GREAT FOR THE NARCISSIST – all the supply they can get through their lies and manipulation. This isn’t just psycho-babble it is the clinical truth and it is horrendous to actualize the truth when you are the one being duped, extorted, conned, etc. AGAIN, when the Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because they want something from that person – that is all there is to it – the rest of it is HOW they con you into this role as their source of supply.
The CLINICAL research does confirm that Narcissists suffer from a lack of empathy as well as the EMOTIONS that would be directly related to somebody that HAD empathy, so that makes their bonding superficial at best. When they want something or someone they pursue that goal with all their might. You are a means to an end or a SOURCE of SUPPLY to feed their many needs. You were never idealized for YOURSELF, but for something else you had OR supply as it concerns this personality disordered Narcissist. But when their goal is actually you/us then their pursuit feels very REAL because we are being SEDUCED and conned. They will even get married to pull us into this huge con or big lie and that gives them a lifeline to you/us legally and emotionally for their constant chaos and crazy making. Supply to them is anything positive or negative!
Temporarily we represent the object of their desire, the answer to their needs, the love of their life and the key to their happiness – remember they can’t do any of this on their own because of their psychopathic nature and lack of all empathy so they need other normal humans. But this feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s empty to the core, they are COMPLETELY empty – a big needy void. Add to this that they are addicts – and supply is their drug so they are always off and looking for the next fix! All of this pretty much fuels their out-of-control lifestyle. As we’ve observed, once the Narcissist feels they have you in their grasp AND once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on them, they GET BORED with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. We are THEIR supply in this psychopathic manipulation, and they are NOT going to be ‘our’ supply or give anything to us in return – this is a one-way street. So inevitably they are going to move on when we try to make this “relationship” real in a manner that we are a VIABLE part of it and have needs – that is when the devaluation and the blame is turned onto the victim. They are not in a relationship that grows in a normal manner, they are in a delusional and contractual agreement with every other human being that states we will SUPPLY the Narcissist with EVERYTHING they desire and expect NOTHING in return except for emotional and psychological abuse that can disable a victim’s core beliefs. REMEMBER this –after Narcissistic abuse – there is light, life and love but we have to come back to it and that starts with no/minimal contact is the only way out! Greg
There is no such thing as a normal or real relationship with a Narcissist, and you can only learn this the hard and painful way. If the perpetrator is/was a person you loved, admired, or looked up to as a role model, or a wife, husband, parent, guardian, friend, relative, etc., you don’t understand the real depth because most of the time you loved this person, trusted them and wanted to believe in them — you went the extra mile for them and that is what makes this abuse so horrendous when the truth is apparent.
Being a victim of Narcissistic abuse is a severely traumatic life experience that you are dealing with by yourself. If the perpetrator is a person you loved, admired, or looked up to as a role model, or a wife, husband, parent, guardian, friend, relative, etc., you don’t understand the real depth because most of the time you loved the person, trusted them and wanted to believe in them – you went the extra mile for them. If your professional life is entangled with a Narcissistic boss, getting out of the abusive relationship may be extremely challenging, especially when this is your livelihood, or your bread and butter.
It may seem frightening and insurmountable after the time you have invested, and you may be tempted to put up with more abuse, as an attempt to defuse the situation and save what mattered so much to you in any of the relationships you were entangled in with these cruel monsters. BUT there is no such thing as anything near a normal or real relationship with a Narcissist, and you can only learn this the hard and painful way. There is no healthy give-and-take relationship with a Narcissist, only a manipulative, crippling, subjugating type of giving and a demanding, exploitative, and insensitive type of taking what the Narcissist wants to fulfil their needs only. People are only OBJECTS that a Narcissist uses in whatever manner to make themselves look better, get some sort of admiration, steal your accomplishments, bring notoriety to themselves by connecting with you, get something you have that they want and need, use you as a shield to hide their darkness, or whatever it is that YOU have and THEY need.
It is especially difficult to accept this when your interactions with them are at the personal, professional, familial or intimate level. How much of yourself, your work, your aspirations, do you have to sacrifice in order to save your life and your psyche from the destructive assaults from your narcissistic abuser? They TRICKED you to get you to trust them so that you would become their next victim to use – we are only supply to them!
Don’t try to fight a war that you can’t win because a Narcissist lacks any and all morals. You can’t engage in reality with a person that lacks morals or with issues that require a person to have a conscience and expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure. Narcissists have no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions because they lack the mechanics to do so. There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their mindless and thoughtless approach to other people especially if it is “you.” Don’t ever underestimate their depravity as it concerns their lack of respect for life and people – they will abuse anyone that stands in their way, even their own biological children or ANY family member.
So how could you have been such a fool? The painful realization often comes with the disbelief of just how could we have not realized that he/she was like this? That’s another thing that educating yourself about this disorder will teach you very clearly or that the Narcissistic personality is especially good at being pathologically deceptive and manipulative, at simulating genuine affection and caring to gain our trust so they can essentially abuse us. In reality, the Narcissist is only capable of caring about themselves and THAT is as far as their scope goes. The Narcissist can BASICALLY imitate that they care about you or even love you as long as he/she continues to see you reflect extreme adulation and admiration for them, which is usually in the beginning of your personal relationship with them. Underneath all of that is a delusional and out-of-control amoral person that lacks respect for life and people and has no conscience about how they debase people to GET WHAT THEY WANT – supply. That is what it all boils down to – we satisfy some sort of need – and they have many needs, and many people they use to satisfy their immense needy void hole. The unfortunate aspect of all of this is the Narcissist KNOWS how to con people with their extreme CHARM and love bombing AND in such a natural way.
The perceptions of the Narcissist are truly their reality. If you look back you have never been able to change or influence their perceptions because they got louder and completely ignored your every word to the contrary concerning any of their delusional outbursts – especially if it concerned their own accountability. If you couldn’t effect change living in a close relationship with them, then don’t waste your time and effort ever trying AGAIN. They live in their own world and no matter how false or unreal it appears to you, for them it is reality because it has to be for them to survive among us. As soon as a Narcissist begins to perceive that you have a voice of your own and a right to existence, the trouble starts and then there is no return because there is no possibility of two-way communication with them and the more you push your individualism forward the more resistance from the Narcissist. Their façade is impenetrable and has to be or they would self-destruct if people knew the truth. REMEMBER – a Narcissist has no boundaries when it comes to taking a victim down that has caught onto the Narcissist’s psychopathy. They will lie to DESTROY anybody’s integrity that dares disagree with them or make them accountable FOR ANYTHING.
Lies and deceit are as natural to the Narcissist’s world as is breathing. A Narcissist has the amazing ability with their ‘shrewd deception’ to make ‘others’ believe their lies EVEN when they fly right in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Heck they are so smooth at their LIES that the Narcissist also believes THEIR own lies – but then again what depth do they have but a façade that is as flimsy as a tissue SO THEY HAVE TO BELIEVE THEIR OWN LIES. Mine could have been given an honorary PHD in lies, and lying! Take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie – or as my friend once told me “if they are breathing they are lying!”
It is extremely painful, to come to the conclusion that people who have meant a great deal in your personal (or professional) life can ACTUALLY destroy you and you have to disengage with them to literally save your life. It is EXTREMELY painful, but the alternative is only to continue the descent along the dark path of self-destruction because this is a desperate relationship. Stop it all and finally break the chain that keeps you tied to an abuser. Everything you have built with this person was done in vain, and if you keep believing or buying into the games/lies with the hope to catch a glimpse of what things were like when you lived in the illusion they fabricated for you, you will only be drawn back into the abuse over and over again. The key word is that it WAS an illusion and nothing more so there is NOTHING there to believe in. The promises like a life journey together or sharing the joys of REAL love, a future, intellectual fulfillment, dreams, goals, etc., were part of the abuse to only control you and keep you chained to the abuse.
Unfortunately, you have to learn and accept that the psychological and emotional investment you made in a Narcissist is/was valueless, and you have to write them off completely as a bad debt. If you continue any type of association with them, you will only lose your soul and hand it over to a deceitful, perverted and loathsome character that will use and drain the life right out of you. Just like the “un-dead” fictional characters that are looking to feed off of the life force of other human beings to BECOME alive again. Sorry I am not sure they were ever alive in any conventional method – it is just incomprehensible that they have the cognitive ability to plan and scheme as they do to trap us, debilitate their target, know it is wrong, lie about their actions to cover up their tracks, destroy our good name, extort everything they can, and run off as they do to another unsuspecting target. Sounds more like a well-planned out process to me.
One day you will see the complete picture – and it will never make what they did better, but you will understand because you have finally been educated into what they are and what YOU aren’t. A Narcissist is a dead giveaway in the way they create their delusional turmoil after each and every departure from one of their con jobs or relationships as the Narcissist prefers to call them. While they are running away like the thieves they really are with their tails between their legs, they are really running away from the truth of who and what they are. We are the truth they are running from as they are throwing lies at us in an effort to smear our integrity and destroy us. They never can or will admit to what they have done, instead they will always slither into someone else’s life to find shelter, and take what they can emotionally and physically. No/minimal contact to gain clarity and start on your journey to recovery! Greg
Narcissists will accuse you of things that have no basis of reality as a DIVERSION to create an argument or a crisis that YOU must deal with – it is a chaotic and coercive tactic to throw you off base. Their negative energy will expand in YOUR mind because you basically respond to whatever the crisis situation is. In turn, they will continue to pull you right into it to deplete your energy by making you respond to the situation or get you hyper involved and stuck in your head trying to use your normal resources to get to some cohesive conclusion where there is NONE.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Narcissists love to create, seed and cultivate their toxic and chaotic drama for the basic reason to CONTROL people! Yes, they are into drama and very dramatic because they live with so much internal chaos – even as controlled as they may seem to be. Narcissists also create drama as another distorted tool to get supply or draw all the attention to them OR also away from them when they need to avoid exposure. It is what they do with this drama because it never achieves anything good and it is used to basically divide and conquer people, divert from the truth, keep them confused, to control, and to isolate people. You can bet the Narcissist is always the go to person or at the center of all chaos and drama in EVERY situation but always comes out smelling like a rose because they are very shrewd instigators. The Narcissist I knew was very adept at this and cunning in the manner that they did it (triangulation), but be assured someone or something was being destroyed in the process! My Narcissist would always say that they were like a cat that would land on its feet and come up smelling like that rose NO MATTER WHAT. I always thought that this was very odd to hear because it described a person that knew they did some awful things to people and got away with it and felt proud of the fact that they came out of it unscathed – NOW I understand completely!
With a Narcissist life is a perpetual crisis because they are wounded so easily and life’s eternal victims so they shoot blame out anywhere they can. Everything is a perceived threat real or not – BUT they expect you to fix it NOW and on their delusional terms only. We all experience rough times but a Narcissist has a natural inclination to make the good, the bad, and everything else into an ugly and chaotic situation or everything is a crisis where they go above and beyond what would be deemed as a normal reaction. Remember this too, when they want to really play their games they will even accuse you of things that have no basis of reality to create an argument and a crisis that YOU have to deal with – sort of their chaotic and coercive diversion tactic to throw you off base. Their energy will expand in YOUR mind because you basically respond to whatever the crisis is and they will pull you into it to deplete your energy by making you respond to the situation or get you hyper involved and stuck in your head trying to use your ‘normal thought processes’ to get to some cohesive conclusion where there is NONE. Remember that YOU are OK here and again this is crazy making to throw you off center!
This is how they condition you into becoming dependent on them and usually it is through their devious manipulation, threats and negative responses from the crisis they create – and they JUST MIGHT LEAVE YOU (or whatever threat) if you don’t change your ways. So, you are conditioned to always walk on those perpetual eggs shells and accept their behavior to basically keep the peace and avoid their punishment or rage and again this is purely control. They cannot really empathize so empathy is not at the basis of any part of their interactions with people. Lies, deceit, manipulation, blaming, triangulation, conquering, and dividing people are. These actions ARE the basis of their ‘crazy making’ tactic or the real mechanics to their agenda as well as a dehumanizing ploy the Narcissist uses to manage people down. It is part of their plan to bring you down and keep you down. They will also project their own personal chaos and downfalls onto you to free themselves of the personal shame that lives inside of them. They really know how to work a situation to get attention, create chaos, blame, and dump some personal shame onto their target – this is all part of THEIR internal pathology! That is the reality of their life – they are human projection machines that have no reality except to source out their externalized needs or find supply.
Here is a big eye opener that you must truly internalize – they need you and your energy to be successful at maintaining their façade and achieving supply. They don’t want you to leave them until they want to go, so they go to great lengths to get and keep your attention until they have used you up as well as found another source of supply to replace you. Remember supply to them can be anything that gives them attention, be it negative or positive as long as it supports that façade! I used to ask my Narcissist if I was so horrid WHY NOT LEAVE – but my Narcissist kept coming back with that little bit of love bombing, more lies and fake promises because they hadn’t found a replacement yet (well many side ones but none that stuck).
Like a toddler that hasn’t reached a level of emotional maturity, they consistently go from loving and supporting you to getting angry and detesting or hating you to get their needs fulfilled through their debilitating up and down chaos and tantrums but with a Narcissist there is absolutely no love or bond there JUST wants and needs and constant diaper changes. They have their many toys and the shiniest one is the one that they ‘sort of love’ for the time being until a newer toy catches their attention. Their moods and responses are inconsistent and dealing with them feels like you are walking through a field of landmines where at any moment you may step on one and it will detonate, but those emotions that bond you to them and your empathy keeps you hanging on and tiptoeing around those landmines. Well add to this the emotional and psychological abuse that manipulates and blinds your way and distorts your reality.
A Narcissist WILL try to please you, but the nice things they do always have a huge cost and a motive a motive behind them. They play the saint or martyr that keeps score, and just when you think everything is okay, BAM they get you one more time, and then once more and once more until there are so many levels of this chaos that you are lost and isolated within their debilitating pathology. Their modus operandi is to sabotage you while they look innocent. For instance, they will commit to doing something when they really don’t want to do it and then consistently bail out at the last minute. Or they’ll conveniently forget. Perhaps they’ll run late and miss an event or a timeline. Everyone has these experiences now and again, but Narcissists do this all the time and they want to turn it around and get you to feel guilty and upset about WHAT THEY ARE PURPOSELY doing to you. They will make up excuses with the most ambiguous details or justifications when it comes to accountability and then sulk and act like a victim if YOU get upset meanwhile they have betrayed you in some form or fashion that you aren’t aware of. They will conveniently lose items, forget dates, miss deadlines, ruin plans, and then become sad and withdrawn because they have tried so very hard when they have done nothing but be irresponsible, tricked you and then they blame you as not understanding, etc. This is just more of their crazy making and chaos! Add to this the outright lies, the cruel behavior, the betrayal, the raging temper and there you have it – a Narcissist that means to create chaos and crazy making to manage you down to nothingness. REMEMBER that this is all intentional and a key component to their abuse tactics.
It is important or better yet imperative to know what you are dealing with as far as this chaotic crazy maker is concerned because they are destructive psycho bullies! However, with this type of abuse AND because of the charm factor, and/or love that is also introduced into the factoring there is always the tendency to be a little blind to the possibility of the truth especially if the person is a loved one or someone very close to you. We actually end up taking the Narcissist’s behavior personally and applying credence to what they are saying, or possibly even believing that the crazy maker (abuser) in our life could change or we could help them. We also expect the crazy maker to play by the same rules with communication or apply normal etiquette as everyone else, but they don’t. Our world is a normal one, their world lacks the normality and integrity that we know and understand and is purely driven by their pathology. Crazy making Narcissists don’t play by the same rules as you and me. You’ll save yourself a lot of headaches and energy if you realize this now and stop trying to make the crazy maker REAL in your life anymore or respond to your concerns because you are talking to a brick wall that you cannot penetrate!
So, it is important to internalize that the Narcissist delivers distorted and corrupt messages that are disguised as carefully and as proportionate as that disordered and fake mask they wear that conceals their false and negative self and their destructive agenda. They are negative messages disguised in a positive message or even a gesture. This inevitably sets you up to lose ALL THE TIME! All of this adds up to feeling worthless and everything you do seems to be inappropriate or wrong! There is only ONE way to end the madness and chaos – no/minimal contact! Greg
A Narcissist does not have any internal or normal functioning mechanisms – simply put they have totally disconnected from internalized feelings. Their whole being is a working mechanism (or a façade) and it lacks all empathy, emotion, and the ability to bond with other human beings. They have disassociated from anything internal that actually defines them because even they realize that it is faulty and they need other mechanisms to function in a real world!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
How does a person with normal empathy wrap their head around a Narcissist? They don’t with any sense of normalcy. What words are appropriate – did we love a person or did we love a Narcissist? Now ask yourself to completely justify your choice and it is troubling. Your mind is or was constantly turning in a vicious circle of trying to believe that they were real as they brain-washed you into believing in them with their extreme charm or ‘love bombing,’ but then questioning their accountability also came into play because so much conflict came into question as well that harmed you along the way. This conflict is beyond confusing to deal with because you are a person that only KNOWS love and practices empathy so you are left trying to find some avenue of goodness in them (the Narcissist) to reconcile this even when you were faced with some ugly truths. You are adept at normal reasoning but this Narcissist is very shrewd at their manipulation techniques as well as a vast arsenal of tools they use to achieve their agenda.
Often, we hear that a Narcissist just does not care and THAT becomes such a confusing point of contention with us! Just what does that mean – how can another person possess such a void that they have absolutely no ability to care for another human being? How can another human being be so deceitful to take us down such a road of deceit that basically destroys another human being? Well it means that a Narcissist does not have the internal and normal functioning mechanisms required to feel the reality of real the harm that they cause to the people that love them – simply put they have totally disconnected from internalized feelings. Their whole being is a working mechanism (or a façade) and it lacks all empathy, emotion and the ability to bond with other human beings – they have disassociated from anything internal that actually defines them because even they realize that it is faulty and they need other mechanisms to function in a real world!
They are personality disordered and WE on the other hand are normal and can logically differentiate what caring is as well as what hurt feels like because we do possess empathy, emotion, and the ability to bond and love. A Narcissist just cannot understand this and they wonder what goes on in our mind and why we make such a fuss about their lifeless emotions – they don’t know what we know, or feel what we feel – if you don’t know it you can’t feel it. You can logically understand that a Narcissist does not possess the ability to care but you cannot understand or put yourself in the position to actually feel what it is like to be totally void of that ability to care so you CANNOT wrap your head around it at all. You should not make ANY attempts to understand them because it is a dead end because they will not change because they do not see themselves as having the problem. AGAIN, they are personality disordered and lack emotions and feelings and only know how to take what they want from life because the only thing in life that matters are THEIR needs and themselves!
Your normal emotions will ALWAYS trump any understanding that a person could be so void of life, emotions, care, and love. We CANNOT know what makes a Narcissist tick – but we can believe from our experience with them that it is a non-functioning, destructive, and a desperate relationship. We MUST get out of TRYING to understand a Narcissist and just accept the truth around the fact they are disordered, and dangerous to our well-being. You cannot fix them, heal them, get back at them, or expect them to come to your aid in any other manner than with more manipulation and abuse. There is no closure that exists within the realm of the Narcissist as far as it concerns getting any sort of validation of the destruction and pain they caused to your life. You NEED to totally understand the truth to move on and recover – you need to do this so you concentrate on yourself and healing to move forward!
Since it is not within our realm of understanding it keeps us continually wrapped up in a maze of self-doubt, questioning, justifications, AND EVEN BLAMING OURSELVES. The truth is that the ‘love bombing’ as amazing and reinforcing as it was to us is no less destructive than the devaluation process or the discard because it was the force behind the Narcissists agenda to gain our trust and seduce us into the cycle of this abuse. The road to recovery REQUIRES a crash course about this abuse so we get our REAL ‘ah ha’ moment about the reality of our situation. Even with the truth in mind our emotions will have to be dealt with in a grieving process to move forward because the situation was purely diabolical within the manner that we were conned and basically we loved this person. Unfortunately, the emotional aspect (love) of this abuse does not go away even with our ‘ah ha’ moment and THAT is what keeps us locked up in the justifications and trying to fix what we were basically ‘blamed and shamed’ into believing that we destroyed. You have to fight those emotions every day until that bond with them is broken because the reality is that you did not lose any form of real love, instead you have luckily broken an abusive connection that will literally save your emotional and psychological well-being. They are like ticks that attach themselves to our skin sucking our blood or our very life force! If and when you try to remove them their head stays lodged in your skin causing great damage because their infectious poison remains inside of you. Without treatment you can suffer for the remainder of your life.
Narcissists have absolutely no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation by significant others. It is actually perceived as a threat because a Narcissist objectifies all of his/her targets/victims. Significant others in the Narcissist’s life have very clear roles and that is for the Narcissist to harvest supply, nothing less but definitely nothing more. Devaluation is a subtle process that starts from the very first day we start on our journey with them and throughout the entire life of the relationship because the Narcissist has an agenda. The Narcissist does NOT start this relationship believing we are the ‘love of their life,’ that would be akin to us believing that the over complimentary car salesperson loves us – no they are schmoozing us to get us to buy a new car because it profits them. It is all a mechanical process just like with the Narcissist to achieve their agenda and to profit from the relationship with us.
They are amazingly good at what they do or the lies that they create and their amazing but fake charm and facade! Think of the Narcissist as ‘The Pied Piper” that mesmerizes anybody that listens to his/her flute – and there are so MANY different and seductive tunes that trap most anybody. For example, you may believe that this Narcissist is exclusively yours but he/she has many other relationships going on even though they are pretending they are in a committed relationship with you. By compartmentalizing people, events, and actions with all of their secrets nobody is ever the wiser! They keep their dirty secrets hidden from the real world AND should you ever catch onto their lies they will defend themselves with more lies to protect themselves as well as destroy your integrity! You can also believe that Narcissist is probably quoting scriptures, preaching about how bad the world has become, preaching morality, and bragging about what a good person they are too! But they are criticizing you and destroying your integrity behind your back while preaching on their pulpit to their many supporters that can’t see through the superficial charm – their agenda is to always divide. Conquer, and isolate. Oh, and yes they are looking for and securing new supply as they preach to everyone. Somebody always falls into their charm and lies because everything is an opportunity for them because they make it so!
Narcissists are just amoral with all of the crazy lies that are solely based on the Narcissist getting what they want and it is just that simple. Of course, they need to support the ‘great façade’ first and foremost so they fit into our world or else they would be rejected within a minute of meeting them if people only knew about the darkness inside of these creatures! Narcissists are here and walking among us to TAKE or better yet extort what they can from every aspect of life through manipulating the greatest resource – PEOPLE. The emotional attachments we form with these critters are formed from the very lies that this Narcissist uses to drag us into their world! Lying to us about how much they love us is just what they do to get the game going. What a bizarre phenomenon to have to accept as a reality, or having to believe that another human being can con you into loving them so completely just so they can extort what they can from you and probably the person that is standing right there and next to you too. BUT again, they are so good at it and so seamless with their lies that we feel so personally attached to this warm and loving LIAR!
They will marry for years, even start a family and seem like a strong family person (mother or father,) but what goes on behind this horrendous façade (and in private) is a lying, destructive, and raging creature that couldn’t care less about their spouse or family. They don’t care as long as they get exactly what they want! They lack any and all restraint when it comes to their needs as my Narcissist did and then turn it around and make light of their actions and even blame the ex-spouse or person they were with.
A Narcissist will make us their punching bag for their inadequacies through rages and attacks. Their aim is to force us into a co-dependent role and their possession to use at will, AND to gain control over us, our emotions and our life. We are not prized by them as an equal partner but taken for granted as long as we give them supply and even that is probably a bit too complementary as to them having ANY feelings for us even as supply because we are just a temporary connection. This is a dehumanizing partnership we have with them because we were only the NEXT object in a Narcissist’s long past of using and abusing people. It was just our turn because of an unfortunate twist of fate that landed us right in their web of lies and deceit, or a predator finding its prey.
Human beings are NOT objects or instruments to be used and to be regarded as such is dehumanizing and sadistic to say the least. Narcissists devalue people and reduce them to mere objects that have one purpose which is to fulfil their every need. This is why Narcissists easily lose interest in us because we are not a deserving, independent thinking and functioning human being in their mind but instead another object like a washing machine to use and then once we cease to serve them in their pursuit of supply they lose interest and find another object. No care or fuss and muss as far as finding someone else to replace us! Remember we were their DAILY or 24/7 source of supply and there were many ‘on the side’ sources to supplement the Narcissist’s vast and bottomless pit of neediness. Narcissists are not prejudice in the least bit when it comes to their needs, they will take it from whomever or whatever walks past them if they have the opportunity. There is never a commitment to any one source nor any care or concern of what harm they cause to ANYONE – it is whatever serves one of their many needs.
Again, WE MUST understand that this abuse is intentional and as much as it was such a personal part of us, it was purely the act of an emotionally, psychologically UNBALANCED, and deviant human being. It seems insurmountable to try to erase what was reality to us as nothing more than a Narcissist sourcing us out to provide themselves with what they only needed to survive. Why do they go through such lengths to do this and why do they also destroy good people? Well I would say because it works for them, it gives them power to control us to maintain their constant supply from us AND unfortunately they usually get away with it unscathed. What other reason would motivate a person to act out in this sadistic manner if it wasn’t tied to a predatory agenda?
Yes, this is how they are wired, no empathy, no emotions, and they CAN’T love – that is why this is labeled a personality disorder. But why do they destroy and damage good and unsuspecting people when it is bad enough that they extort them of their lives and love, yet alone have a knife to their back ready to destroy them at any given moment? WHY if they are getting what they so desperately need do they destroy a good thing then? BECAUSE they are not a fully functioning human being and cannot act on the same normal human premise to bond, care for, or love other human beings! So basically they are deviants, psycho bullies, emotional manipulators, users and abusers as well as destructive and dangerous so never stay a moment longer with them once you know the truth. Your sanity has been pushed to the point that you are so vulnerable and basically functioning after the time you have spent with this person. Is it worth losing any more of yourself to try to stay a moment longer and for what – to completely lose your sanity? Their truth is hidden behind so many layers of denial and lies, so if they can lie so easily to themselves to protect their damaged self they will most assuredly lie to us and about us to keep their dirty secrets hidden and take us down first! NO/MINIMAL CONTACT! Greg