From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
When most people think of a Narcissist, they picture someone obsessed with themselves, mostly their physical appearance as they gaze upon their image in a mirror with COMPLETE admiration of their own beauty. If that were only the truth, there would be many people in this world that wouldn’t have lost so much at the hands and the destructive actions and words from a PERSONALITY DISORDERD Narcissist. Most people have never heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a real condition certifiable through every psychological journal that is written out there. The Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) is the handbook for mental health professionals and outlines this specific disorder. Who reads those journals if you are not in the field, so most had to learn the hard way by being abused by one.
Narcissists are very elusive creatures, so you won’t find them in a therapist’s office embarking on a journey of introspection to get counseling for their personality disorder OR their abusive behaviors toward others. When I was in therapy I asked my therapist if they have ever treated a Narcissist AND the answer was a resounding ‘NO.’ A Narcissist will never enter into therapy because they are convinced they don’t have a problem because it is always YOU and I that have the problem and NOT them AND they are NOT going to admit that they are an abuser. They may go to counseling for appearance sake or to secure and abuse medications. How unfortunate for those of us that have endured their manipulative and disabling abuse because they leave behind a high body count of targets/victims. It is the victims that are the ones seeking real therapy and how surreal is that!
ANY type of relationship with a Narcissist will leave a person doubting their own sanity – the target/victim, and there is always a target/ victim that is left in total shock, with their jaw dropping to the floor, shaking their head and wondering, “What has happened?” Then, try talking about your experiences with a Narcissist or describe the abuse to friends, family, a loved one or even a stranger. If you try to explain the disorder through YOUR personal experiences, people will look at you like you have three heads on your shoulders and none of them are talking or making any sense.
It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism too) HASN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder they just never had a personal relationship with one to see the real person and the abuse in private. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who just don’t have any closeness or role in their personal life to see the reality of who and what they are. Once you get emotionally close to a Narcissist, THEN AND ONLY THEN do you get to see them drop their carefully crafted and charming mask that hides the out-of-control and abusive creature behind it AND that is after they have TOTALLY fooled and conned you in.
A Narcissist is so seductive that he/she makes you believe in him/her with your whole heart, mind and soul. Unfortunately for all who tread on this emotional rollercoaster with a Narcissist they don’t realize just how dangerous this connection with them is until it is too late. The charm a Narcissist utilizes creates an oblivious feeling of being connected or very attracted to most everything about them. We can become fascinated with someone because of their physical beauty BUT a charming and captivating Narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks, definitely, can increase the magnetic pull towards the Narcissist, but that is not at the core of this abuse, it is the manufactured charm that is a psychologically damaging and a deceptive tool used to manipulate, condition, manage you down and control you.
They charm people to death (figuratively) and this is what literally attracts us to them or that CHARM. But with a Narcissist it is that magnetism that makes you feel a sort of hypnotizing attraction that manifests itself in your psyche and every level of your soul and right to your core beliefs! In reality you are being charmed by their shrewd ability of REFLECTING back everything that is YOU creating this intoxicating and deep-rooted bond. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you’ve known them a long time, soul mates, or you feel very safe with them – perhaps you have known them in a prior life or whatever fantasy belief that Narcissist has instilled in your mind.
This is the Narcissists goal and they are the biggest con artists that exist and they mean to extort everything they can from you and THAT is why they are there and SEDUCING you into this so called connection with them. They have unlocked the door to your head and they are planning on using that entry to their advantage. They will move right in manipulate and manage down most everything that is your reality as you KNEW it. A skilled and extreme Narcissist knows just how to reflect your image right back onto you so that you feel like you are almost twins. What’s not to like and trust when you have EVERYTHING in common?
A Narcissist creatively figures out some unique and impressive angle quickly, and one that few people would ever engage in. Basically they are manipulating your emotions. Narcissists can typically outsmart almost everybody. They are always ten steps ahead of you, so much so that it is uncanny. They are very QUICK with these unique approaches and “BAM” they have swept you off of your feet and keep you there and diverted with that CHARM. What else is there to do but bask in the glow of this unique relationship with this amazing person! You are undeniably intrigued by everything about them. When your relationship sours because the ugly truth rears itself with a Narcissist, you better duck for cover and be ready for a whole lot of damage control.
Again, they are ten steps ahead of you and have already thought through how you will react and are ready to discredit, disable, and destroy you. You can trust that they are determined to humiliate and obliterate you to avoid exposure of the truth that they are abusive predators. More than likely they have already started another relationship well before they ended the relationship with you. It is always new and better supply and they will keep up this abusive cycle all throughout their lives. Remember they were there for only one reason and that was to use you and when they were done they were just going to move onto the next victim and obliterate your existence to avoid exposure!
A skillful Narcissist can tell anybody and everybody a great story just like reciting a well-known fairy tale because they are some of the greatest storytellers in the world. They can weave their fictional tales and lies into a complex story about themselves. They mesmerize you with amazing facts, statistics, trivia, history of events, to the point that you feel overwhelmed and just amazed at their acuity and accuracy. They are always the center of these stories, often re-writing their personal history, and lying to embellish the stories. One thing you can say is that they are hardly boring with their accounts of their amazing world and life.
They can incessantly talk and talk about most anything without skipping a beat with their amazing and interesting information. They are human chameleons that study human nature, but with a goal to further their power by enhancing their stature and influence the people around them to get what they crave – supply. Undoubtedly, they exaggerate their every claim and position in their life and they will even fake credentials to get where or what they want from life. They are addicted to this omnipotence and we are the audience or what they need to use as a mirror to see this amazing reflection of themselves. Unfortunately, what they do in the darkness without a care to the people that love them is also part of the equation and their ability to tell an amazing story to cover up their out-of-control lifestyle.
They lie to weasel their way in and out of any situation and come up smelling like a rose. They are pathological liars in every sense of the word and hide their hideous and perverted life. This is the sad reality of a human connection with them and if you keep that connection going it will turn personally disastrous and destructive for you as the truth becomes evident that they are not fully functioning human beings and they will take your life down with them.
Narcissists work extremely hard at making themselves believable as it concerns their overt lies and myths about themselves. They arm themselves with a vast array of learned information they have harvested through their observations of other humans. They acquire and then wear, personalize or enhance this information as if it is truly theirs. So, what is the goal again with all of this? To snag you into his/her Narcissistic lair to make you supply them with the things they need and can’t get because they are a dark and manipulative personality that envies life, love and people.
Unfortunately for those that fall prey to a relationship with them, they exploit one of the greatest emotions to manipulate you into a special place right alongside them and that is love and they even SAY that they LOVE you back! Loving them is like hosting a convention for bank robbers AT a bank with the vault right in sight. That vault will be emptied out and those robbers will point to the next person saying ‘they did it, not me” and then they will conveniently disappear with the goods.
Remember and completely internalize this – there is no marriage vow, relationship (even family), or connection to the care and love they proclaim they have for us that prohibits a Narcissist from doing exactly what they want because there are no consequences they feel internally and really there is NO RELATIONSHIP or bonding with them. BUT also remember this – YOU can love, YOU do possess empathy, YOU can love people, YOU can bond, and YOU will recover from the hack on your life from this creature! YOU were too strong for them and saw through their façade because YOU are amazing! The miracle here is that the Narcissist is out of your life no matter how painful it feels right now – be strong! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
Idealize, devalue, discard AND repeat again – but NEVER a real relationship, a bond, or LOVE! A Narcissist processes ALL people into objects or sources of supply!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
Each step makes sense once you grasp and embrace the profile of a Narcissist and how they cycle their targets into their agenda. Biologically they are a human being, but they live for the pleasure of controlling and harming others to get what they want. This is a fact however we want to describe it clinically or otherwise because they cannot internalize emotions, feelings, care, love or ANTHING because they just don’t bond with people at all – they use and abuse them! So, Narcissists have to get their ‘kicks’ or their fix of Narcissistic happiness through externalization or through objectifying people and TAKING what they want and moving on to the next shiny object that they are attracted to. Understanding what they are and accepting it as reality doesn’t mean that we have ANY lack of empathy for a human being that has a personality disorder – it just means that they ARE WHAT THEY ARE and they will cause a vast amount of emotional and psychological destruction to everyone and anyone that has any type of relationship with them and THAT has to be our focus so we move on and away from them because we cannot fix or heal them. We can’t dismiss the destructive nature of a Narcissist. So here is what it is all about!
The steps of a toxic relationship with a Narcissist or how they take us from CHARM to HARM:
IDEALIZE – this is like the honey moon phase with the Narcissist but in reality it is not YOU that is being ‘idealized’ but instead whatever the Narcissist wanted from you and only for however long he/she wants it – WE ARE JUST AN OBJECT TO THEM and nothing more. They CHARM us with amazing articulation and that is the vehicle that drives us to believe in the Narcissist, even trust them and unfortunately love them. Narcissists do an assessment of their romantic partners (their next victim) — during this assessment phase the Narcissist interacts very closely with their targets to see what makes them tick. They ask intimate questions, to discover our unfulfilled needs and weaknesses. They will also lure their targets with promises to offer them whatever has been missing from their lives. If you’re recovering from a recent break up or divorce, they offer you friendship and an exciting new romantic relationship. Whatever superficial bond they can create to completely win you over and gain your trust.
DEVALUE – once the Narcissist has manipulated you into their lair of lies and deceit, they manage their victim down into the depths of their pathology. Like a malignancy entering into their victim’s body they attack and erode their self-esteem, individuality and basically erase your personality. They will also demean, debase and destroy your spirit and extract whatever they want, need and desire or take complete control of your life. THEN the boredom sets in and the Narcissist loses interest and they need more and newer supply like a drug addict that needs their drug of choice, so their life is lived in an ‘out-of-control’ manner where they are seeking out whomever or whatever they can to maintain their addiction and ‘high’, but always maintaining that steady source of supply from us AND again that extra supply on the side. What we believe in, that is so personal and intimate to us is nothing more than our turn with the Narcissist as supply.
DISCARD – after the Narcissist has gotten everything he/she wanted from you and has probably secured other new targets for supply, they move on without a care. We were ONLY a COMPONENT in what was an agenda of a disordered Narcissist seeking out to extort supply from us and anybody else. This is just day to day business with a Narcissist seeking out or better yet exploiting and extorting people and life. People are expendable and interchangeable to them, BUT people are a resource the Narcissist NEEDS to survive and we are replaced quite readily. Unfortunately, we BELIEVED in them and are left with this to sort out as well as the trauma from the abuse.
For any victim/target, this process is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you so much time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem, your career or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to this relationship. It may have become your entire life, even having a family with a Narcissist. For the Narcissist however, the whole process isn’t really personal AT ALL but instead a function! The Narcissist WILL do the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him/her into their intimate life. We are all reduced to and considered OBJECTS and possible supply. Life is a department store where the Narcissist shops for the SPECIFIC supply they desire – but they would be more aptly described as “shoplifters” because they feel completely entitled to take whatever they desire AND when they desire it! We were NEVER alone in this relationship or exclusive.
They will consistently repeat this cycle of abuse with everyone they seduce into their lair of manipulation, lies, and betrayal. It’s not about you or me, and it is not about the other people involved who are new/extra supply, the many partners they were with sexually, the minions the Narcissist employ in their game and set against you, or the many ‘others” the Narcissist used to make you compete and/or jealous – all of this is supply to validate the Narcissist’s ego, to give him/her pleasure, to meet his/her fickle needs. No supply means anything more or less than any other supply.
Remember the Narcissist was never with new/extra supply because they are/were better or superior to you. The Narcissist was with them for the same reason that he/she was with you or me – to extort and use them, perhaps for different purposes than the Narcissist used you, but with the same devastating effect – abuse. The Narcissist will invariably treat others in a very similar way to how he/she treated you. Idealize, devalue and discard is the Narcissist utilizing and processing its target/victim into what we believe is a ‘relationship’ to secure or harvest supply – then move on to the next. It was/ is and will always be only about the Narcissist’s need to extort people and life. Our abuse is the direct outcome of the Narcissist processing us (idealize, devalue and discard). They win us over with their pathological seduction to control us and USE US to satisfy all their needs for as long as you stay with the Narcissist. WE ARE ALL SUPPLY AND TEMPORARY – or we ALL have an expiration date.
So WHY does a Narcissist idealize their targets in the first place. Why do they invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship, given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? Well this is what makes up the components of the abuse as well as defines them as predators, extortionists and the abusers they are.
The obvious response would be that they do it for security or constant and ‘longer term supply.” Perhaps they do it because they can’t get close enough to people to secure supply with their TRUE psychopathic nature – SO IT IS A NEEDED PART of the big con job by concentrating their energy on ONE PRIMARY SOURCE and hopefully locking them in long term to always have a steady source around. It is the psychopathy that goes hand in hand with their personality disorder – and it is how they are wired! Whenever a Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because he/she wants something from that person and THEY WILL EXTORT IT OUT OF THEM!
All of this depends upon what the Narcissist wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him/her. If the Narcissist wants some sort of semblance of order OR respectability, a façade or diversion behind which he/she can hide his/her perverse nature and appear harmless and normal, he/she may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. If all he/she wants is to have some fun, it will be over within a short period of time, maybe even a couple of hours. If the Narcissist wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he/she may stay with you for as long as you excite him/her. Despite the differences in length of time or timeline that the Narcissist remains with ANY supply, what will remain constant is that eventually, you’ll be discarded as soon as you no longer serve his/her needs.
Narcissists do enjoy the chase, the seduction and the betrayal. They relish creating the illusion that they’re something they’re not because it is all part of their psychopathic ego feeding process and being a Narcissist. They also enjoy observing how they dupe others into believing all of their fiction – AND THE REWARDS ARE GREAT FOR THE NARCISSIST – all the supply they can get through their lies and manipulation. This isn’t just psycho-babble it is the clinical truth and boy it hurts when you are the one being duped, extorted, conned, abused, etc. AGAIN – when the Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because they want something from that person PERIOD.
The CLINICAL research does confirm that Narcissists suffer from a lack of empathy as well as the EMOTIONS that would be directly related to somebody that HAD empathy, so that makes their bonding superficial, at best. When they want something or someone they pursue that goal with all their might. You are a means to an end or a SOURCE of SUPPLY to feed their many needs. You were never idealized for YOURSELF, but for something else you had that they wanted – supply. But when their goal is actually you/us – then their pursuit feels very REAL because we are being SEDUCED and conned. They will even get married to pull us into this huge con or big lie and that gives them a lifeline to you/us legally and emotionally for their constant chaos and crazy making.
It is still operative abuse and they are very aware of what they do and will lie to protect themselves. Awareness is a big coefficient here and that shouts out the very truth that they have the ability to understand that what they do is horrendous and wrong, BUT yet they will not change or admit to their disorder because is serves them.
They create many theatric roles to cover every possible range to get supply. My point here is that they can also be highly “respectable individuals” in any facet of life like a therapist, judge, law enforcement personnel, a doctor, preacher, or just about anything. They will most assuredly use ANY power and authority they have to create intimidation, distance, admiration, respect and even abuse. They might even be that bad boy or girl that has many tattoos, piercings, chains, motorcycles, fancy cars, brash and loud, etc. Then again they can also be the lovable and huggable ‘big ole teddy bear’ type of person full of hugs and kisses. They are just everywhere because their ‘false mask and persona’ is what we see first and not the personality disorder.
This is what makes it so hard to discover the reality of just how disordered they are especially at first glance. A Narcissist will actually believe they are the persona or character they are displaying and they morph right into it. They are just that good at mimicking life and situations to create any scenario to harvest what they need to extort from life and people. This is very scary because most people just don’t see this and get taken in and destroyed.
Temporarily we represent that ‘OBJECT’ of their desire, the answer to their needs (for now), the love of their life and the key to their happiness. Remember they can’t do any of this on their own because of their psychopathic nature and lack of all empathy so they play pretend in such a pathological manner that it can be impossible to see until it is too late. But this feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s empty to the core, they are COMPLETELY empty – a big needy void. Add to this that they are addicts – and supply is their drug so they are always off and looking for the next fix! All of this pretty much fuels their out-of-control lifestyle. Remember, once the Narcissist feels they have you in their grasp and once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on them, they GET BORED with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. We are THEIR supply in this psychopathic manipulation, and they are NOT going to be ‘our’ supply or give anything to us in return – this is a one-way street. So inevitably they are going to move on when we try to make this “relationship” real in a manner that we are a VIABLE part of it and have needs AND they will destroy our integrity to avoid exposure of the truth of who and what they are. They are not in a relationship that grows in a normal manner – instead they are in a delusional and contractual agreement with every other human being that unequivocally states we will SUPPLY the Narcissist with EVERYTHING they desire until they are done with US. No/minimal contact to stop the chaos and the abuse! You deserve respect, dignity and love because you are an amazing human being – NEVER forget this or let it get lost in the destructive messages the Narcissist has planted in your mind and heart! Discard them completely from your life, mind, and heart. Greg
So where did the love go? There never was love ‘to go’ anywhere because there wasn’t a real person there with us that had a will or a capacity to love!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
So where did that ‘love’ go? Until the fact sinks in that the Narcissist’s time with you/us or anybody else is NEVER a ‘relationship’ but instead more of a pathological parasite feeding off of you/us, you just won’t “get” that you are really dealing with a personality disordered Narcissist. You will keep acting on the premise that the Narcissist has some feelings ‘JUST’ for you, or some sort of conscience, morals, ‘cares for’ or even loves you – and that premise couldn’t be further from the truth. It NEVER makes sense to you, so you keep blaming yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to do as if everything is your fault. You are always wondering whether it is you, OR it is YOU that has temporarily lost your ability to relate NORMALLY in your relationship, or better yet you are crazy like your Narcissist is telling you. NO, no, no, no, no, no – it is the Narcissist that is crazy or clinically has the ‘personality disorder’. Well it is classified as a personality disorder but still in all it is CRAZY behavior or better yet dehumanizing, demeaning, debasing, and destructive behavior to make you think YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. Control is power to an abuser so whether you are attacked physically with a fist or attacked mentally with hideous, destructive and manipulating words, it is abuse from a disordered person, one that is not a fully functioning human being that lacks total empathy and love for their fellow man/womankind. You don’t intentionally CONTROL, harm, hurt, or destroy any creature on this planet for ANY REASON and these creatures do it every waking moment of their lives.
Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there.
Attacking your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your “buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.” It is control pure and simple!
The Narcissist can and will even go so far as always threatening “your basic security” with them which could include ending the relationship if you do not conform, dating other people, affairs, silencing or use other controlling fear tactics. They are trying to drive the point home that this is all YOU as in having the real problem and YOU NEED TO CHANGE – but there is nothing you can do to please them.
They are very unpredictable with their day to day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts or even rage. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable or normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos and gas-lighting) and always feeling you have to explain yourself.
This behavior is damaging and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused and controlled ALWAYS waiting for the next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO ACT so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you once were or the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their control and abuse.
They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain the MOST CONTROL they can over you. Be it making fun of you, belittling you, criticizing you, name calling, screaming at you, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making you the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you and make you solely dependent on them. They have to have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.
Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you. In turn you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them be it love, friendship, co-worker, family, etc. Somewhere you have gotten totally LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must be or else you are wrong and every interaction with them will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give it’s never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all of this person’s needs and AGAIN you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.
Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche, self-worth, emotional stability, and anxiety provoking causing you to constantly feel confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and as well as making you believe you are losing your mental capacity or you have many issues that need fixed and all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. This is dehumanization, sadistic, and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!
A Narcissist doesn’t acknowledge individuality or even like other people (remember we are just objects to use.) Along with this premise the Narcissist doesn’t care about being liked – THEY DEMAND to be admired, feared, and favored, (as well as completely extorting their targets to get supply.) They don’t care about getting along with people, and a Narcissist is no more capable of considering the consequences of their actions than a rock would. There is no consideration for anybody or anything with a Narcissist and nothing is ever about what they manipulate you into believing instead it is always all about their omnipotence, superiority or ego instead or their fake façade. They HAVE to exploit EVERY single interaction with us to gratify THEIR needy ego at your ego’s expense or even DESTRUCTION. There’s no end to it. It’s exasperating, and you never get through that brick wall a Narcissist throws up in front of you constantly, so always remember how much time you have tried to break down barriers to “fix” things. Everything would just bounce back to you as more blame and shame from the Narcissist. It was a relationship that was meant to deny you every bit of gratification and instead the Narcissist was always ‘taking’ every bit of gratification (supply) they could for their vast needy void.
This is the reality with a Malignant Narcissist be it a wife, husband, partner, brother, sister, friend, mother, father or whomever. There is and never was ANY type of a real relationship, just time lost with a disordered, destructive, and abusive person and great loss. There is no closure to this abuse because there is no real person so we only have the sad truth to embrace to start us out on a realistic path of recovery AND yes heal and join life again. An interaction with a Narcissist is ALWAYS damaging and destructive to people – that is why we are all here sharing to educate and help resolve these issues with all targets.
A little personal example to shed a little more light on how they reach into every aspect of your life to manage you down completely. A while back I was talking to a friend that knew my Narcissist. My friend was curious about the abuse and my best answer to my friend was that what this Narcissist had done to me was just too incredulous and hideous and I just couldn’t explain it in terms that didn’t make me out to sound like I was crazy or making this up. My friend replied, I understand because your Narcissist came over to our house out of the blue putting you down and making you out to be a monster. My friend knew better because we were good friends for many years prior to this. People just don’t drop over out of the blue to backstab the person that they are in a relationship with. But a Narcissist’s world is so convoluted that this is common practice for them with their preemptive attacks to back-stab the good and loving people in their life to destroy their integrity. Why? Because they ENVY and hate that we have a real spirit that loves life and people AND people and life LOVE US BACK, so they have to triangulate or divide and conquer to spread the poison and destruction to bring us to their darkness.
No Contact – shut these monsters and their vermin minions out of your life so you can live again because there is no reality living with them only destruction! Water always finds its level – and these creatures do meet up with their karma just by the process of intentionally hurting so many people (and family) and everybody just avoids them completely. You may not always see it like a huge lit up billboard that says “this Narcissist met their karma,” but look under a few rocks and you will find them there alone and in the darkness that they only created for themselves! No/minimum contact because you are an amazing person that deserves your good life back! Greg
It is time for the journey back home to YOU because after Narcissistic abuse – there is light, life, and love!
With all of the extreme confusion that surrounded the departure of this abusive Narcissist from your life you were left with significant and distorted messages that put the heavy burden of the blame onto and into you and those messages are still living in your mind and heart! This is the same confusion that always surrounded every aspect of the relationship and has now has reemerged and turned into more denial of the real truth with the discard. This denial has planted itself firmly in your life and keeps you in a constant state of limbo in your mind and your heart. It is really a chaotic conflict that keeps cycling back and forth inside of you. Consequently, instead of confronting the reality (or truth) you keep turning to every other avenue to reach a closure that ISN’T based on reality and you BASICALLY reject that you were abused by a predator and Narcissist. You don’t really see that it was abuse because you were conditioned to see it as something about YOU that caused everything disparaging in this relationship. When a person is physically abused with a blackened eye for example, that singular action undeniably DEFINES it as abuse to you personally, as well as anyone that sees the damage. With psychological abuse there is no one singular action that leaves an outward bruise. Sometimes you are not even aware of all the actions and words that are harming you. The bruises are on the inside as well as the many scars that build up. It makes it extremely difficult to express the damage that lives in your heart, soul and mind because there are so many there in every level of your life. So where do you start to reconcile?
This is basically conditioning as in being ‘brainwashed’ by a very manipulative, destructive, and cunning person AND a pro at it! That Narcissist wanted you to BELIEVE that they REALLY loved you at first, but when they REALLY got to know you in such a personal/loving manner all of a sudden they realized that YOU really had all of these horrible issues and that YOU were REALLY defective and maybe even had issues concerning YOUR mental health, AND abusing them. REALLY – they NEVER loved you – they were seducing you into their manipulative agenda to objectify you or use you as supply? They have been sending these ‘blame messages’ to you subtly from the very first day they met you and then stepped it up with the devaluation and discard because that expiration date was inevitable. The Narcissist has been out there securing MORE supply probably the same day they met you! So, look at the focus and where it was aimed – at your vulnerable loving heart and mind! Why doesn’t a Narcissist just take the goods and run when they are caught? Why do they have to play such harsh psychological games to harm people? Why do they have to destroy as much of you as they can? So, they can keep abusing new people and avoiding exposure by destroying the evidence or the last person they abused!
Simply put this is just part of the agenda that enables them to MOVE ON by blaming you (devaluing) and then discarding you! This is them getting away with their abuse. This very astute con artist got everything they wanted with their big love scam and NOW they needed to move on and find different supply because you just weren’t serving them right anymore. The truth is that they got bored and went out looking for something else – as a matter of fact they were ALWAYS on the lookout for their next source of supply! There was never any real love and this is what we must understand! They were ALWAYS looking for more supply even when things were supposedly good. So again, when you reached your ‘expiration date’ they were off to a new target/victim and unscathed because they had an alibi (blaming everything on you) like every criminal does and dysfunctional people (minions) that believe them and support them! Their alibi enables them to avoid exposure by discrediting you completely! Job well done and the Narcissist is off and running and WHO is be blamed for all of this? Here is a very important point – don’t try to make them accountable because they will start a war with you that will literally drive the point home that if you play with them they will discredit you with words (LIES) that can damage you for a lifetime. This is their lifestyle, this is their disorder, this is always what they do, this is their pattern, this is abuse, and THIS IS A NARCISSIST! Right now your freedom and ability to get clarity is important so you can get healthy and NOT dragged down into more of their darkness. Engage with them or not, that Narcissist is STILL going to smear your good name and the people that believe these lies are not friends or people that care about you.
You have been disabled by their HUGE con job and not truly capable of accepting any part of the reality because of the constant brainwashing which now becomes your vulnerability in all of this! The TRUTH or reality of the situation that it was abuse becomes suppressed and surfaces as anxiety, depression, self-blaming, worthlessness, fear, and trauma – the VERY messages that were pounded into your head and now your heart. Rather than confronting this reality, targets/victims entirely go into a place of denial like they were conditioned to do by their abuser. It is not that you are just that stupid or that much of a fool that you totally allowed this relationship to put you here. You were CONTINUALLY managed down by seamless manipulation slowly but surely and day by day until all of these scenarios became a way of life for you – or your new normal. Little by little you accepted your role with this Narcissist but in reality you were a product of emotional and psychological abuse. Now little by little you must purge these negative messages out and replace them with the truth and positive messages about yourself! Introspection will become your next step in recovery once you actualize the real truth of your situation. You will look for your personal weaknesses and create new boundaries and a healthier lifestyle. That is when you will put the emphasis TOTALLY into yourself to move forward without any singular thought of this Narcissist. That is why breaking the emotional connection and bond with them and allowing yourself the time and clarity to actualize the truth is so important or no/minimal contact to start this process.
You CAN be in control of this situation! BUT you will slow your progress to a screeching halt if you go to the trouble of fulfilling the no contact rule and then obsess about making contact, trying to fix things, work things out, or engage with ANY of their chaos. It totally defeats the purpose of no contact if you keep an ongoing dialogue and/or any connection with them. As they say you can’t see the forest for the trees – but now it is time that you do.!
Think about the reason why you may obsess about these monsters and make contact. It is because we want them to validate all of that emotional expenditure that we provided through loving them and NOW add the pain and having to grieve the abuse and finding some sort of closure! It won’t happen because this Narcissist would have NEVER put you in this position in the first place if he/she REALLY knew love or better yet REALLY loved you. REMEMBER they are ABUSERS and they aren’t going to turn around and fix this or you because their agenda was to control, disable and harm you. If you think they are going to suddenly realize your worth, when no other human being in this world has any worth to them beyond an object to use, then you need to do a reality check until you get to the point that you understand that they are destructive and dangerous to you and your life. Their departure is really a miracle that will start you out on your road to recovery and complete freedom from them so please make this foremost in your thoughts.
Seriously ask yourself if you could imagine your Narcissist saying this to you – ‘I’ve been emotionally unavailable, I’ve had NUMEROUS affairs, I intentionally manipulated you, gas-lighted you, tried to drive you to the point of insanity, ignored and silenced you, blamed you for everything, projected darkness onto and into you, constantly ignored your needs, used you, extorted and stole from you, and made your life a living hell, AND I WAS ABUSIVE.’ Then imagine them saying that they suddenly realize your worth and how valuable you are to them and they want to be together with you to fix ALL OF THIS. First why would you want a person that has taken you down so far to ever be any part of your life? Second, they are NOT emotionally available for you or anyone and they are off and abusing their next target/victim! They are like criminals living out a life of crime. Don’t forget how they smeared you, your name and then tried to destroy your integrity to avoid exposure and the truth of what they are, and also ask yourself WHO would do something like this. How could you forget ANY of this in a manner to accept them back into your life – and then how many times have you accepted them back into your life to end up abused over and over again. You must move TOTALLY on and away from them being anything in your life. Forget them completely so you can start recovering because it is integral in surviving this abuse AND moving forward.
To truly move forward to recovery, you can’t make your abuser (the Narcissist) the focal point of your life AND your recovery. They are what they are, and you have had personal experience which more than defines their character and agenda! You have to make YOU the focal point of YOUR life now. This time of grieving, healing, and regrouping with you is an opportunity to get real about the relationship that has just ended and you have to look at you and your personal relationship with yourself with open eyes and the reality that it was abuse that has brought you to this place of despair. So many times, I have heard targets, victims, and survivors say that they want to be able to get past it all, to move on, and they want it all to just be over with so they can live again. The wanting is only part of the battle, a very important part, but the rest of it takes longer and demands introspection, education, support and the need to accept that this Narcissist was AND always is a potential danger if you let them be any part of your thoughts OR life. There is no magical kiss from the prince/princess Narcissist that will awaken you from this this doom, because they are the one that gave you the apple that poisoned you in the first place! Your own care, love, and self-compassion will awaken you and return you back to a fulfilling and real life because you ARE an amazing person with the ability to beat this! No/minimal contact to start on this journey back to YOU! Greg
More than often target/victims turn the blame back onto themselves as they were conditioned to do all throughout the relationship and accept things that they normally wouldn’t. After all it was OUR fault as we were made to believe or better yet conditioned or manipulated into believing! We all got to this place of despair because we accepted all of the Narcissist’s projection of blame and began questioning ourselves AND our emotions led us there because we BELIEVED in this person. What did WE do wrong, to drive them away? What was it about us that was so wrong or lacking that made the Narcissist become so negative or unhappy in the relationship? Were we not good enough, smart enough, virtuous enough like the Narcissist claimed, hardworking enough, beautiful or handsome enough, sexy, worthy, submissive enough, didn’t we give enough, love them enough, did we REALLY have issues like this Narcissist said. You were constantly in this circle of chaos and always wondering – did I, could I, should I, if I? BUT, it was always the same coefficient with a Narcissist constantly manipulating you and managing you down to believe that you were not worthy or even normal. it always became YOUR issues and never being able to hold this creature accountable for what was only psychological and emotional abuse. We never knew that we were just ANOTHER object for this Narcissist to use and discard. We only believed the lies and fell into this abuse so we lived with the distorted thoughts until we purge them out of us OR until we actualize the truth and get help to move away from all of the negative messages that modified our behaviors in such a destructive manner. THERE IS NEVER any closure with this Narcissist because it was all an agenda that ends with destruction and they are not going to take responsibility for their abuse and be exposed for who and what they are.
Cognitive dissonance is a clinical definition that explains this disabling process of being a target/victim of a personality disordered Narcissist’s manipulation that doesn’t occur in healthy relationships. When there are two healthy individuals in a relationship there are good and bad parts as it concerns two separate personalities meeting, getting to know each other, and merging. But by far one or the other person doesn’t have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality or a mask of sanity that hides a malicious, abusive and destructive person. In a healthy relationship, there is a certain level of transparency, so basically, what you see is what you get and it is pretty consistent, flaws and all. ALSO healthy relationships aren’t based on emotional/psychological abuse, control, domination and an insurmountable mountain of deliberate lies and manipulation. Furthermore, healthy relationships don’t end abruptly, as if they never even happened because normal people can’t detach so quickly from deeper relationships and JUMP right into another one UNLESS it was completely built on deception and basically one partner is a Narcissist! Cognitive dissonance happens in those cases where there is a horrendous contradiction between a reality and an increasingly implausible fantasy which when fully revealed, would be too painful to accept, so much so that you would rather cling to parts of the fantasy than confront that sad reality and move.
When a target/victim experiences cognitive dissonance, our rational ability to actualize reality or accept the knowledge about the psychopathy as far as it concerns the Narcissist’s abuse doesn’t fully sink in on the powerful EMOTIONAL LEVEL. Plus, we never had ‘real time’ experience or knowledge about this personality disorder to help us understand what was happening to us to run away with our life! Consequently, we continually move back and forth between that old idealized fantasy that was pounded into our mind and heart and the pathetic reality of the NEW truth about this disordered individual that terrorized our world and try to rationalize it. This is such a confusing process as well as an emotionally draining one too. Just remember that initially, when you were in the idealization phase and LOVED so ideally the fantasy was that this Narcissist could love you and that he/she seriously committed to loving you. Then, once you were devalued and/or discarded, the fantasy still remains because the Narcissist conditioned you to keep believing that he/she is capable of LOVE and loving others, BUT just not YOU so you look inward to see what is wrong with YOU. You feel that you weren’t right for him/her, but NOW someone else can be SO RIGHT for them and it only reinforces the distorted messages. Narcissists don’t know love or feel love with ANYBODY they are only looking for supply. There will be MANY more and newer ‘others’ in this Narcissist’s future but ALL of them are just new objects to use and throw away! Everyone has an expiration date!
This is the fantasy (manipulation) that the Narcissist tries to convince every target/victim of once they enter the devaluation phase and that it is the problem is never with the them (the Narcissist.) Narcissists do truly believe this because they never see anything wrong with themselves or their behavior, so if they are no longer vested in or excited by a person, the Narcissist concludes it must be your fault because YOU were deficient or defiant and didn’t serve them in every way they deserved to be treated – omnipotence. That is where the incredulous stories and lies come from as it concerns the Narcissist pinning this all on you (smear campaign!) Then WHO has ever tested the Narcissist by trying to completely expose them, and were they successful. What law protects a target/victim and makes the Narcissist’s accountable with criminal charges! The Narcissist is a clever thief and usually has minions that claim his/her innocence and turns it back onto us! Karma and time will get them for sure because their lies do catch up with them!
So what is related to this cognitive dissonance is that the Narcissist still has a form of power over you and the Narcissist’s distorted standards still have a place in your head AND heart. Call it ambient abuse! Even though you may reject the Narcissist on some level, on another level the Narcissist’s opinion still somehow matters to you (those old message still playing in your head!) Narcissists are frauds, their actions, words and opinions are distorted and delusional with a personal and self-serving agenda attached to them! The Narcissist’s connections to others, especially the ones the Narcissist CLAIMS to be “the love of their life,” are only empty, controlling, abusive, and fake bonds too. But if you stay emotionally attached or you still care about what the Narcissists thinks or feels, then you are giving a highly disordered person too much power over you or completely handing all of your power to them.
Completely cut those imaginary ties and cut the cord that still connects you to a pathological Narcissist, as well as his/her disordered supporters and their abnormal and distorted frame of reference AND games. Nothing good will ever come out of allowing a Narcissist and his/her pathological defenders or minions having a place in your life, heart, or mind. The connection between the Narcissist’s and their followers/supply is a disordered perspective that messes with your healthy life AND creates the intense inner tension or cognitive dissonance. To eliminate this means to also free yourself body, soul, heart and mind from this Narcissist, their followers and their opinions, standards AND games. What they do, say, think or believe and the silly mind games they choose to play simply does not matter OR belong in your world. What they post on social sites is just another mask they use that hides the truth and them begging for attention! Totally disengage from anything and everything that concerns the Narcissist. I did a long time ago and I am very clear about my situation and the real truth. I do not connect to THIS NARCISSIST at any level, I pull myself away from ANY and EVERY situation or connection that might exist. Everything this Narcissists does or projects is just more and more layers of ridiculous lies to protect themselves from exposure and the real truth of what they are. I absorbed all of that information a long time ago and saturated my mind with the truth that this person is dead inside and personality disordered! These are words I never believed I would use in my lifetime to describe anybody BUT that is only the truth as it concerns this person so I can say them now! I can also say I am repulsed by this person and their lifestyle. It is all so clear now and that is what moved me forward to live and love again! This was the FIRST step to my recovery but a very important one for clarity!
What does any connection with a Narcissist yield? Just blame, shame, sadness, frustration, a sense of defeat, doubt, constant and conflicting thoughts, many lies, mistrust, feelings of worthlessness, distorted emotions, betrayal, destruction, and ABUSE. PLEASE internalize that despite how intense the emotional upheaval might be, it is so worth getting your freedom back to live life as you should – otherwise what other option really exists? Remember this if you remember anything, you are not weak, stupid, you are vulnerable and struggling to find answers so it is particularly distressing when your normal reality has been intentionally corrupted by what you believed was just a caring and loving human being that turned into this MONSTER! Please remember that your emotions bond you to this creature and that is what you have to actualize by accepting the truth about them as far as the fake love they offered that you believed in – it wasn’t real it was a trap. This is where you must start by rationalizing the truth and rejecting everything about this Narcissist. A relationship and love does not involve bargaining parts of your life away to meet anybody’s needs! No/minimal contact PLEASE! Greg
You ARE literally hanging on by a thread! YOU are all that is important now. We must acknowledge the truth and move on and away from this Narcissist. Let KARMA do the rest!
It is very hard to accept that you must TOTALLY separate yourself from this toxic and poisonous person you have loved. You must prefix the relationship and experience with the concept that you were a target/victim of a Narcissist and abuse. Those two words were never really a part of your everyday vocabulary prior to this toxic relationship AND you have probably just realized that this may be your reality. Prior to this you believed that this was all about love and that was a very strong MESSAGE that was ingrained into your reality by this person (the Narcissist). This is what you believed and probably will for some time yet. Yes, the bad/horrendous times have brought you here today to the realization that this relationship has gone so terribly wrong – BUT the concept that you love this person still remains in the forefront even with all of the abusive behavior you have experienced because you are so confused.
That love JUST DOESN’T go away the minute you realize the REAL truth that this was abuse. It confuses you and puts you in and out of denial that this is abuse and still holds you captive AND for far too long. Along with this love you have distorted and debilitating messages from this toxic relationship that have you frozen in fear, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, extreme loss, and vulnerable. How can you come to terms and understand this and come to the reality that this person you were with is severely disordered and has harmed so much of you and your life AND move on? There will be no conventional closure to this, just a journey that will tug and pull at your heart and mind in so many debilitating ways. But you will have to take this journey with all of the stumbling, falls, setbacks and pain to recover. It is a must for you to return to a normal life because your love and life was not meant to be used/abused by this predator. NOR, should you have to pay a debt for the rest of your life and suffer with the ambient abuse that keeps you silent, in fear, and locked up in this emotional upheaval.
To start on this journey, you must examine the thoughts, actions, and deeds that also relate to this love experience that has gone so wrong and actualize the real truth about this relationship. This was a horrendous experience and very disabling. There is nothing that can change the past but there is something that can change the future and that is you and your ability to get past this. You more than likely feel that you can’t be without this person you LOVE, and you will never find another person who you can love as strongly AND completely. But the person you love/loved is a Narcissist that abused you. They have intentionally created this scenario to keep you chained to the abuse to only USE you and extort what they could from your life and make you feel like YOU are the bad person, worthless and THEIR abuser! But yet you feel confused, so disoriented, full of anxiety, depressed, betrayed and you are still trying to hold on to your relationship and make it work at any cost and stop the madness and the pain. Even with all of these truths why are you still hanging on and believing. What has you frozen and unable to move forward now that you have the knowledge of how destructive this has been to you? Unfortunately, this ‘hold’ is consuming your whole spirit and debilitating to you! If you were able to allow yourself the necessary space and clarity you would understand this so much more clearly than where you are now with all of these confusing thoughts. You must run, walk, or crawl forward to get to this clarity to break the chain of this abuse with no/minimal contact. Then with time away from this Narcissist along with some knowledge and education you will start on your path to recovery because it will provide you with the clarity to see that this was situational and THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
To start with please understand that your “love” towards this Narcissist is/was just an illusion, a mental trap that you fell into, and your heart and mind believe it is/was real! In reality the memories, dreams, and those precious things you imagine you shared with your Narcissist do not exist AT ALL – they were a mirage created personally for YOU by this con artist to get into your heart AND more importantly into your head. This Narcissist was/is stringing you along to keep their agenda alive and only using you as their PRESENT source of supply. When they are done with you they will just move on and leave you disabled and nearly destroyed as well as the fact that they have probably had many other relationships going on WHILE they were pretending to be with you. Even the family that you may have created with this Narcissist is subject to abuse and are disposable to this creature. These are horrendous and terrifying thoughts but this Narcissist doesn’t care one iota about you or anything now that they are done with you and have taken everything, even your spirit. So, ask yourself how many times you have TRIED to work this out and got nowhere so maybe now you can tell yourself it is done and time to move in another direction and away from the Narcissist and the abuse. It is the only direction you can take so that you can heal.
All of this will take you a while to wrap your head around because it is just so out of your context as a person with empathy and love. But ABUSE is/was your reality in this toxic dance that the Narcissist created to trap you into their needy and abusive world and as their supply. Their manipulation and brain-washing kept you connected by managing you down and then reeling you right back in to keep you dancing in a dizzying circle until they found better supply and then moved on. This is ALWAYS the pattern! BUT you believed in this illusion with so much depth and now you have to accept the reality that you have a major role in recovering from this and dispelling what you believed as far as them being anything real in your life. It is unfortunate that this is what you are left with, but your recovery depends upon you taking an active role in breaking this disordered connection and bond to move on and away from the insanity. This message is so important, but you must never accept that this message says that you are WRONG, DESERVING, or a DEFECTIVE person that allowed this to happen to you because you wanted this. That is absurd and will result in you staying in this dance by yourself forever and believing that you could have done something to fix this or relate to this Narcissist’s disordered abuse to make this right! That Narcissist was never there for you EVER and will never be there for you in any capacity but to harm and abuse you more! These confusing messages are directly related to the manipulation you experienced from this Narcissist and they are the messages you NEED to turn off – both the positive and negative messages that have you chasing your tail in circles. In time reality is going to bring you a totally new picture of just how terribly disordered this Narcissist is and it will more than likely be appalling and repulsive to you. Please practice patience and self-compassion with yourself and realize that each new day is one day nearer to recovery and total freedom from them. Don’t measure your progress by the pain you feel but by the strength that you have shown to get through another day. YES, you are stronger than you know because you survived this abuse and that Narcissist ran off because they knew you were too strong for their lies and agenda!
You may be afraid to lose the love of your Narcissistic spouse, partner, friend or family member, because nobody wants to lose someone they love. This is the reason that totally connects you to that pain you are feeling. But when you realize that you never had that love in the first place and actualize how this has negatively impacted your life, it will open up a huge door of reality and make it somewhat easier for you to let go of the emotional relationship you had with a Narcissist and heal yourself. It may not feel like it but the pain AND anger is part of the process of letting go by lifting yourself up and empowering yourself with the TRUTH. The actual abuse is a different aspect of healing because it was psychological in nature and purposely imposed on you through this fake love to get you to dance with this Narcissist. It has planted so many negative messages into your mind that defines you as the source of the problem as well as worthless and defective – just part of the cycle of this abuse! Many times we still connect the two (fake love and the abuse) in a manner that makes it so difficult to actualize these two things without blaming ourselves and thinking our love was defective. Just remember they are abusers and the defective ones and their cycle of abusing you had nothing to do with you personally. Keep those two thoughts in perspective and separated so that the love doesn’t distort the real truth again and pull you back in. They are abusers and this was ABUSE! No/minimal contact to get you back to the amazing person you are! Greg
It is during the devaluation phase that you see the real monster behind the mask. That Narcissist has emotionally sucked you dry and probably lined up someone new to use and abuse. They have completed another cycle of abuse because YOU saw the truth and they knew it. THEN the rage and attacks start and it is too late because you have been disabled and already lost your reality and soul. You only know how to accept all of the Narcissist’s punches to your heart and mind and react with the least resistance because your reality has been modified to accept this abusive reality in an effort to fix the relationship. You have always concentrated on keeping things real because you believed – but what was real except for all of the lies, betrayal, and manipulation and how this person was totally coning your life away from you! AGAIN, please internalize this message as the reality of your situation and throw that ‘love bomb’ out the window before it blows up one more time in your heart and head.
When I saw and actualized the real truth it was unfortunately too late because all of the psychological damage was done and the negative messages were planted in my head! Even as strong as I believed I was the horrendous manipulation took my reality away and distorted my very thoughts! The damage was also done to the people I cared about and loved – and they were poisoned too. That Narcissist had to pull out all of the big guns to totally disable me, causing so much havoc within my family, my career and my whole life to instill more fear in me and keep me away from fighting back to avoid exposure. At the time my mother was living out her last days and this Narcissist even used this in a manner to kick me harder because I was dealing with this tragedy. They are relentless and soulless creatures. A Narcissist counts on our vulnerability and fear to enable them to control us in any manner they choose! There was no chance at that point to work on myself and figure this all out because I WAS too vulnerable and mentally unhealthy after the years of abuse. The discard battle ensued and was in full force with this Narcissist to try to destroy me when I was no longer a viable source of supply. Then as a Narcissist does to their targets/victims there was also the manipulation AFTER the discard to try to keep me believing with MORE horrendous lies and even saying we could work things out and that went on for almost a year. That was just to divert me, silence me, and to keep me still believing AND confused so I wouldn’t expose this Narcissist! It is the same manipulation that a Narcissist uses all through the relationship that NOW keeps you/us tied into them and STILL believing while they escape the exposure that they are ABUSIVE and move onto their next targets/victim IN THE RELATIONSHIP or out of it with the final discard.
So, when the end is apparent you are still operating with all of the distorted messages that you were conditioned into believing all throughout the relationship and it makes you feel very alone and desperate to just fix this somehow. It is the ‘same old same old’ as the saying goes! You are not seeing solutions YET, instead you are only reacting to the pain the best you can. Once you are at the discard you are only fighting all the harder to fix this because the Narcissist is making you BELIEVE and controlling you with more and more lies! They feel powerful and on top of their game because you are so broken from all of the past abuse! So YES, maybe I was not in my right mind, but that is where this Narcissist wanted me to be and that is what they do to each and every target/victim. I was no fool though, I was and am a very loving and caring person that has empathy and wants to trust and believe in people, but unfortunately I wasn’t dealing with a real person, nor did I see the truth until it was too late. MOST importantly I didn’t have a counter offensive to this abuse because I didn’t know it was abuse at the time! I didn’t have defenses in place at the time to counteract all of the horrendous mind distorting games – nor did I know this was a dysfunctional and destructive con artist or I would have ended this and had this person thrown in jail or locked up in an insane asylum in a heartbeat (unfortunately that isn’t reality because that is difficult to do with this abuse)! BUT through knowledge, education and the support of other victims and survivors I learned the truth and made it my passion to help other people understand the truth as it concerns them as well.
Lies of course are the basic tools a Narcissist uses and they have these lies in place everywhere you turn. They have full ‘back up’ from other people that they have also conned, as well as from the people they charm so seamlessly. I am not a dumb person that believes everything I hear or see, but I was intentionally blinded from the truth about so many situations, and without that truth I was conned so completely. My emotions also kept me from believing my intuition that was screaming at me so many times! Emotions are natural to real people! AGAIN, I was not the only person that was conned into believing this Narcissist’s departures from reality. I did finally see through the lies as we all do because these creatures are insatiable as far as finding new supply and acting upon their every perverted need AND they get caught in the lies too easily and that is really to our benefit because it exposes their darkness and we see the real truth!
This is what they do so that you become so dependent on them – this is what their abuse amounts too OR total subjugation of a good human being because they make us their emotional punching bag because of their extreme envy of life and people. They are very real and destructive creatures and when they trap you in their dark world you have to escape or you could lose your life. This is what the outside world does not see nor understand. It seems like we allowed it because the signs were there all around us! But there were no signs that spelled out abuse and destruction. There were red flags waving but none of them said get out to save your life. Psychological abuse is subtle at first – so the target/victim doesn’t escape the agenda of the person administering it until it is too late. I may be foolish about some things but when it concerns my well-being I am no fool to allow a person to destroy my life. Never assume a role that assigns such thinking to make you out to be that weak. There are viable actions from a Narcissist that are very real in this abusive situation that takes a victim down. You will do a personal inventory to seek out your weaknesses and shore them up when you are healthy! We are many different types of people that fall prey to this abuse! BUT none of us wanted it or deserved it!
There was a time that I hated this Narcissist, but I realized I hated myself because I believed that this was my fault somehow. I forgave myself when I allowed the truth to become my rational reality. No, I wasn’t stupid I believed in what I shouldn’t have believed in. Yes, let’s say that somehow I allowed parts of it in between all of the manipulation and lies BUT I finally got it when the truth became overwhelmingly evident. The truth is not meant to be apparent with a Narcissist, because it would expose what they are. Confront them with it and you might as well throw yourself into a tank with hungry sharks!
It was not an easy task getting to the truth because I didn’t know I was dealing with so, so many lies UNTIL they presented themselves to me. There were so many inconsistencies as well as too much disparity with so many people connected to this Narcissist’s life. Friends and family were revealing bits and pieces of the truth and it was overwhelming AND confusing. A new pattern was revealing itself as it concerned my connection and relationship and that was this person was distorting what was real to avoid all accountability and ANY connection to their past! This Narcissist could not afford any more exposure because there was already so much mounting evidence that was there from past relationships and trouble with most ALL of the family! I had to be destroyed and discredited just like the previous targets/victims were! I was put into a battle and this Narcissist wanted to destroy my integrity and life. A Narcissist just can’t stabilize their ‘out of control’ lifestyle because their needs outweigh EVERYTHING else. They are NOT fully functioning human beings and they are destructive!
So, I finally accepted what I had to and realized that a person that SUPPOSEDLY loved me would not do any of this stuff unless they intentionally wanted to DESTROY me. Then I took into account just how horribly disordered all of these things were and that sold me on the truth that this person was very damaged and destructive. It may sound too simple because I am not presenting every single thought, all the factual information, nor the amount of time and sick pain that also came along with these revelations. When I take myself back to my abuse and the pathetic lies and excuses this Narcissist used to cover the truth I just shake my head in disgust and repulsion now. I used to feel like a huge fool, but I know I am not to blame for what was just a distorted game that was personally implemented and imposed on me by this disordered and destructive person. Sadly, the truth didn’t reveal itself when I was a viable and useful source of supply and why we don’t get it until we are no longer useful. A Narcissist pours it on so seamlessly in the beginning because they are getting what they need! We believe it is relative to the love that two people create together. With me, when the truth came out, then I knew I had to get away with my life and that is the journey I started on. Now I can use this truth to help other people. It doesn’t have any negative effect on me, just information I can share to help other people find their way back and you will be at this same place too.
Do whatever it takes to achieve the truth or your ‘ah ha’ moment so you can move on and away from having ANY part in your life! Yes, there were many obstacles, the smear campaign, minions, destruction to your integrity, more games, and more abuse. With me it finally ended when I stopped allowing it and until I committed to changing myself to end this crazy dance! I survived the damage, and I didn’t lose those people that knew me and loved me. I gained a whole new healthy perspective about life and people. I learned to love what was good in me and change what was damaged in me. My biggest lesson was to displace everything about this Narcissist from my life. To reject that this Narcissist was real to me, to accept that this damaged person didn’t care to change and to let it go at that. I know that this may not seem like a viable solution right now to many because the pain is overwhelming. But it is a workable and what you must do first or moving on from the Narcissist enough to gain a real understanding and then start building your life back up from there. You must do something to end all of the disparity and it only happens by the changes you make for yourself. You have an abundance of love that you gave freely and you must now give it back to yourself. If you don’t free yourself from these chains that abuse you, you will carry them around forever. You can heal from this when you throw that Narcissist out of your life and mind completely.
My advice to you is consistent, however. Do not maintain contact with the Narcissist once the relationship is over. Go no/minimal contact. They know you and how to manipulate your emotions – so accept what they are and what they can do to you if you allow them any bit of entry into your life especially as it concerns YOUR emotions. Having control over you gives them pleasure, every time you reach out to them, you are providing Narcissistic Supply and that is ALL they want. PLUS, Narcissists hate being ignored so they won’t leave you alone until they’ve found a new victim who will adore them without question and then they will replace you in a heartbeat. BUT remember they need to silence you to avoid exposure, so they will do what they can to destroy your integrity. They also WANT to rub your face in all of this to make you always feel worthless in their eyes. That unfortunately is unavoidable, but you will survive that too. Only you can allow this Narcissist to completely destroy you, so please don’t. There is nothing and I mean absolutely nothing you can do to fix them or this relationship! There are no miracles out there that can change this creature! There is one miracle and that is you – you can break this cycle of abuse because you have all of the tools right there with you to take you back to a normal reality.
So, how do you end the madness and get your Narcissist out of your mind? Stop trying and allow the truth to get you there! Let them occupy that space for whatever time it takes you to actualize the truth but seek it out as quickly as you can so you don’t stay a victim to them any longer than getting to the truth and releasing. What you suppress will surface until you deal with it. There will be days that you feel that you are only crawling along this path of recovery, BUT any forward motion is success! THERE IS NO OTHER ALTERNATIVE TO THIS! Understand the ABUSE through education and talking it out and then move on and away from them occupying any part of your mind. They are what they are and that is as far as you have to go as the Narcissist is concerned. What you have experienced should never be forgotten because it is now a lesson that you must remember, THEN you are less likely to fall into another Narcissist’s web of abuse. While it seems like I am suggesting that you do not put them out of your mind I am not, I mean don’t put the real lessons from this negative experience away and instead make those lessons new boundaries. Don’t permit ANY of the memories about them rule your life or sanity or you will be lost forever inside of them. Once you work out the true reality or nature of your experience, you will find a way to heal from a Narcissists abuse. It is not easy and it will take time and attention, as well as complete self-honesty. Don’t forget that life is out there and you have to reconnect with it again. Don’t allow disparity to lock you up LIKE A PRISONER. Find a minute, an hour or whatever time to enjoy something or get together with people. REMEMBER this all can only start with no/minimal contact. Greg
‘Once upon a Time’ – the Narcissist’s love story or better yet loveless story as it really concerns relationships and people.
Narcissists loosely ‘pretend’ to love us for as long as we do what they want us to do for them or again serve them. Once that starts dwindling away or they get bored, then the Narcissist starts cashing out on this empty investment that was only reinforced by many lies and false promises. That is when you START to get your answer or your ‘ah ha’ moment that this isn’t real love. It is never an answer in any normal sense of the word where the Narcissist gives you a justifiable reason because there is none to give, you are just fixed into their agenda to meet their needs and they are not going to admit to this OR you wouldn’t be a functional source of supply for very long or even at all. When your time is up and they are bored and ready to move onto new supply, THEN the words come from your Narcissist that are full of blame, accusations, hate, and destruction. They want to bury you under more lies and destroy your integrity so they can back out of their real agenda (to abuse you) and move onto the next person to use and abuse. They do this to avoid exposure. This is how they walk through life! Don’t forget that these creatures devalue people in a manner to psychologically abuse them by managing people down to believe their distorted accusations like you are mentally ill, defective, undeserving, worthless, and anything else to make you feel like you deserve this so you always reach out to them to help fix this distorted love. This dependency is what becomes so damaging to your spirit and integrity and what makes you so vulnerable as well as disables you with disbelief. This is the cycle of this abuse and what takes you on that journey to heal so many things that this Narcissist has destroyed in your life. This is a big ‘ah ha’ moment for everyone that has been with one of these creatures but very disabling when it becomes reality!
This is why letting go can be so hard for the target/victim because there are REAL emotions from REAL love that is strongly attached or mixed in with the psychological abuse and it confounds the recovery process just as it did throughout the entire distorted relationship. It becomes very confusing because even though it was all based on lies and a huge façade somehow you still love them and STILL want to sort through all of the deception to make it right with YOUR concept of that real love. This is the abuse born out of the extreme manipulation that the Narcissist created to keep you there. The loving connection you feel or felt was in place FIRST and is now lost in the behavior and circumstances of the real abuse or the devaluation and discard phases that appear LATER because of the strong manipulation and brain-washing! That may seem ridiculous to people that have never been conned into a relationship as seamlessly as a Narcissist does to their targets/victims, but they have not experienced what can be best described as psychological rape. You bonded with your trust and love to an abusive creature that doesn’t think twice about harming you, nor do they care if they hurt or destroy you as long as they get what they want.
Being on the receiving end of Narcissistic love can, will, and does make us feel like we need to try harder because of the extreme manipulation they use to keep us hanging on and we spend vast amounts of time and energy trying to fix this relationship. We were given a vision in the beginning that this was real love and we became emotionally bonded to this vision BECAUSE that was part of the big game. Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try, we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person (our Narcissist) BUT we believe that somehow it is up to us to fix the relationship because that is what the Narcissist uses as control and power over us to keep believing and hanging on while they extort our entire life away from us. This Narcissist lacks any and all emotions, empathy, and love for anything other than itself. So, what is left for us to interpret? Superficial connections and objectification which are not functional by any means, but meant to make us believe that there is something real for us there. A Narcissist can’t connect to themselves yet alone to anyone else so everything they do is superficial (fake) as it concerns bonding or a real relationship with people. They are amazingly adept at this game because it is part of their survival.
While you keep trying to hang on to this relationship you are only burying yourself deeper and deeper in the darkness and the void that defines a Narcissist. It is this daily struggle that is so unfulfilling and damaging, as well as makes you feel so unhappy, confused, and worthless. Beyond that there is going to be a huge eye opener with the full devaluation this creature is going to throw at you when your time is up with them. It is virtually impossible to love a Narcissist normally because you are only plugging yourself into their game of abuse as their PRESENT source of supply. They are literally using up every bit of your energy and your life and reaping all the benefits that ONLY serve them. You can’t love a Narcissist because they are invisible and all you are seeing is a projected image to fool you and that would be like hugging air AND trying to love it as well.
A Narcissist can’t even see their real self, that is why they create all of these images/facades because they are completely empty and this is what they do to avoid seeing that dark reflection of themselves in a mirror. They avoid it so totally that they will defend their false image and destroy you for making them accountable for what they really are. There is such a mystery to them and that in itself becomes an addiction because we thought we saw a flicker of a real person and real love, but no there was none and we keep searching for it! BUT that idea that ‘if we just try hard enough, we will find a way to create that authentic connection’ or revive it. Unfortunately, it only kept us tied up in a relationship that really only revolved around our functionality, but it always seemed to hold the unspoken promise of one day becoming a real connection of unconditional love with us. The message that was always there was that we had to keep changing to meet this monster’s needs and unfortunately we listened to this and made it our goal. It was only a diversion to control us and that is the vicious circle we get so caught up in and end up losing ourselves completely. Trying harder is not going to unlock the magic door to their unavailable and dead soul because you are dealing with a needy void and not a person. The unfortunate consequence to this is that you will have to grieve this empty love just as if it were real. Unfortunately, there is the psychological damage that destroyed your integrity (and trust of people) that is also attached and it requires many, many steps to actualize the entirety of this BUT we must take this journey forward to recovery or remain a casualty forever and that is not an option!
When it comes to understanding this love with a Narcissist, all we really had was a dream and a reflected image from this Narcissist of what we thought was love as well as based on what we grew up believing was love. We have seen this love all around us and even experienced it and felt it before. This love was very strong and amazing in our mind and we superimposed that image right onto this Narcissist like he/she conned us into doing so and they reacted to it like it was the real thing! Every little thing that they did to reinforce it ALSO enforced that ‘distorted truth’ we kept hanging onto as if it was real and part of that big dream we wanted or the love we believed in. This always kept us at that safe distance and blinded us from what was really happening and also kept us away from or justifying all of the lies, betrayal, manipulation, and hate that was really right there in front of us. It is almost like they hypnotized us into this desperate love.
Believing in them kept the painful reality at bay. At some point we must see the truth and accept it as well as the fact that it is impossible to love or be loved by the Narcissist. The real picture will unfortunately reveal itself and you will hear things that will make you feel sick to your stomach. You will question yourself in so many ways and beat yourself up over all of it. Why didn’t you see this coming, why did you keep trying and hanging on to this monster? You will feel defective and worthless and maybe even deserving of all of this! It is not answerable in any one given manner as far as applying the fault to yourself. Let it go because that doesn’t help you achieve clarity, nor opens a door to recover from this toxic relationship. It only sends you deeper into this abuse by blaming yourself! You must accept the real truth to move forward and stop the defective images of the manipulation that reside in your heart and mind. Narcissists PLAY big time games and they are completely unavailable to ANYONE in this world. The person you were before this was conned and the person you are now is still being conned and you MUST get away completely to achieve clarity and move on. In reality we all know it takes two to have a healthy relationship, and there were two in this relationship and one person was real but unfortunately the other one pretended to be real because they had an agenda to make this SEEM real so they could use you and they were seamless with the game.
So, despite everything you truly and deeply loved this person, or a Narcissist! Somewhere deep down inside of you there are feelings that have been buried and have only shown up as feelings of frustration because of how hard you tried. Let these feelings surface. Society has sort of taught through imposed beliefs how we are supposed to feel as well as what we are not supposed to feel, but this is very different and deserves respect and patience because it is abuse! We are told we MUST NOT be victims. Unfortunately, we are victims but we never wanted this or to become one. It is a reality that must be processed to heal and that is understanding it all. I hate the word victim, but I understand my reality and I am not going to write it off in favor of being stigmatized by a word. I lived through something called abuse from a monster that blamed me, isolated me from life, and disabled me – so I am not going to acknowledge a frame of reference that disallows my recovery because of a label someone created that now tells me I am even MORE wrong and must not speak out. Victim’s become survivors by actualizing the truth! We all know how damaging it can be if we stay in this victim role, but that is our FIRST cry for help because we need support, education, love and a hand to pull us back up. I have heard from too many people that buried so much of this and it resurfaces and locks them up in many years of mistrust and isolation because they were told to move on. Educate yourself, get healthy again and then work on ‘you!’ YES, you must move on and away from everything Narcissist once you get it and stop talking abuse or Narcissist. It is a personal process and different for everyone!
So, ask yourself this now. Have allowed yourself to feel any anger towards them. Due to those beliefs we are always supposed to take the higher road. BUT you are dealing with a Narcissist or a very disordered person that intentionally inflicted so much destruction on you through horrendous lies, betrayal, manipulation and they abused you terribly. Get angry and get mad because it can be liberating because you are acknowledging the TRUTH. This can be very liberating when you embrace the truth and a great relief to realize that there is nothing wrong with you or your mental abilities. You didn’t know that this was a predator and a horrible person to have in your life. You didn’t have all of the tools to understand the relative danger of your reality with this Narcissist so don’t deceive yourself into thinking that there was a solution right there in front of you. You get it today and you are away from them so it happened and you are free from this monster and the abuse – THEN put the anger away. Count those blessings first to give yourself some levity to keep moving forward! Get healthy and use that as an opportunity to understand that there is evil out there and close every door that would enable this to happen to you again! Dig down deeply and acknowledge ALL of the distorted messages as well as the psychological abuse or it will only surface later. AGAIN, there is no magical cure or guru that can take you to recovery except for yourself. Your beliefs about life have been distorted and even shattered and has created a negative and fearful view of the world and you must purge that out of you or be disabled for life. The process is long and you CAN’T skip any part of it. You must separate completely from diagnosing the Narcissist or reliving the past trying to understand it any more than what you do today. It was abuse imposed on you by a Malignant Narcissist. Educate yourself about this creature until you get it, then work on healing YOU!
Your heart is unconditional and you are full of goodness and empathy, but protect that now that you have started to close that door to this Narcissist because they will always welcome you back for more abuse! If you have ever tried to really help a Narcissist as most of us have you know that if you get too close to the truth of what they are, it will blow up in your face and cause you horrendous damage. The Narcissist doesn’t want to be fixed or have their issues solved. They want to escape with absolutely NO accountability to the truth as it concerns them, they will ALWAYS blame others for their problems and the way they ABUSE people. No matter what you say or do, the Narcissist will shift all of the blame back onto you! Attempting to reason or demanding accountability would be like throwing acid in their face and they will find every reason to divert from divulging the truth. It is a tactic on their part that they have used all of their life. Blaming others keeps the Narcissist at arm’s length from their true darkness as well as their many issues. They have spent their entire life living under this shield of protection and you or nobody else can make them see the truth. They will strike out at you in such a manner that will hurt you more than you already are and destroy your integrity to others in the process.
Narcissists don’t want unconditional love or any love for that matter OR a relationship so stop wasting any of your thoughts or time on them. Unconditional love requires openness and honesty, vulnerability, facing one’s fears, feeling emotions and being open to change in favor of making love grow. In the Narcissist’s mind, these are all negative and poisonous to them because they are not even remotely wired in this manner to reciprocate as a loving relationship requires. They are here with you and ONLY as a recipient and you are the object that supplies them with what they can’t get because they are too defective to be anything but the abuser you know and now understand. So, when it comes to helping Narcissists, every time it seems you are getting somewhere, you are only trying to penetrate an impenetrable wall. Face it, they want to leave you behind because they were never available for real love in the first place. The only thing to do is to let them be and move on and forget that they once existed. If you can’t seem to move on, ask yourself what you are hoping to achieve or receive back as far as reciprocity? What do you still want from them, LOVE? THEN ask yourself if you have ever received REAL love from them in the past? The answer is no because it doesn’t exist in their malignant world because their personality is disordered and beyond repair!
Reasoning with a Narcissist is a lesson in futility. They are liars through and through and have perfected the game of diverting from reality. Any person that can act out in the manner that a Narcissist does or intentionally extort/harm people like these creatures do can’t have access to rational reasoning, empathy, love, or reality. If they are breathing they are lying AND abusing. Lying even in a dysfunctional personality disorder like Narcissism has a cognitive basis (ability to reason) to it, so they know what they are doing after all the trap their prey and that requires a plan and agenda. This is why they are out there with a new and newer target/victim. They are masterful at deception to get what they want. My Narcissist would have the world believing that I am mentally ill and scorned and THAT is what motivates me to write as I do so. Even with the clarity and resonance of my words as well as the amazing similarity to ALL of the circumstances of this disorder, and mounds of written proof, and the collaborated stories from family, friends and co-workers that describe my ‘ex’ as a textbook Narcissist – I AM STILL BLAMED. Let them think what they think because you won’t change that because they are protecting themselves from exposure. My Narcissist destroyed a family before it was my turn to be a target. Nobody is exempt from their destructive smear campaign when they are on the run. In the end you realize that only fools believe this Narcissist and the smear campaign and in reality their (the Narcissist’s) world is very small. Please no/minimal contact! Greg
Part 2 – Any conversation or interaction with a Narcissist is like a ‘hit and run’ accident – you are left in shock, dazed, damaged and trying to figure out what just happened!
Every conversation or interaction you have with them seems to leave you confused and drained. You will be left with the burden of trying to figure out what they have said or basically what the heck just happened. It is like a hit and run accident and you are left in shock trying to gain a foothold of the incident. A basic conversation can go from zero to 100 miles per hour and in a direction that puts you in the path of an unavoidable crash, AND you weren’t able to control the direction you were headed in. You ask yourself how did this all start and what led up to it? You will end up spending hours, or perhaps even days, obsessing over the intent of the message or argument. You exhaust all of your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing AND it was pre-planned to be this way by the Narcissist. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but there is as far as it concerns the Narcissist that is controlling you.
Everything they have absorbed or learned about you is now being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to CHARM you because they know your likes, BUT they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no YOU in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!
So what about these ridiculous and crazy arguments, etc. You could have NEVER kept up with the original conversation (or argument) in a realistic manner because it was basically nonsensical in your mind and had no basis of reality. But it served a purpose as far as the Narcissist is concerned to deflect from something or the other, or there was an agenda to it, or to demean and dehumanize you AND again, control, control, CONTROL. BUT, it served its purpose because it confounded or confused you and forced you to process the CRAZY information with no real success – or it deflected you AWAY from the truth as it concerns something or other that the Narcissist may have done. You will have many rebuttals going on in your head AFTER THE FACT because you feel a need to defend yourself or rationalize what happened. Basically, you are trying to fix the situation, but was it an argument because you really didn’t do anything but yet you feel like you did something, BUT WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DID??
BAM, this is exactly the place a Narcissist wants you to go to – total confusion and insanity. They have drawn from the vast wealth of knowledge they have gained from observing you and use it consistently to maneuver you into a place of confusion and isolation. There are many reasons behind each of these scenarios, but they are basically to manage you down and to control you. However, you will try to resolve this because you feel you need to address what happened and more than likely to defend yourself hoping for resolution but in the end you’ll find that you are the person explaining yourself or apologizing. After a while these crazy arguments will have you stuck in confusion so much so that you have lost all perspective of your relationship, as well as your value in the relationship. You are always explaining yourself or responding to the Narcissist’s crazy making and never participating in a reciprocal or real conversation. You are being emotionally and psychologically abused!
What gets you there? The false connection or ‘con bond’ that this Narcissist created in the beginning. The one where you bonded with them and trusted them. More than likely you believe it is a real relationship and you LOVE them – but in any case, your emotions and heart are basically ruling and clouding your mind. The TRUTH – slowly but surely the Narcissist was tempering your emotions and love to disable you completely. This is a person that you explicitly trust AND they care about or love you too (or so you believe,) so you put yourself into a place to always resolve these issues (as normal people do) so that you can continue with this amazing relationship. You believe that they will reciprocate in a healthy manner because they do care/love you, but unfortunately you are blind to the truth so you fall into the trap and it becomes a dysfunctional habit.
This confusion will blind you to many other aspects of their abuse and the Narcissist walks all over your heart and imprisons your mind in the process. This is CONTROL and it will get worse over time and be more of a daily emotional beating meant to harm AND disable you completely. The WHY to all of this is because a Narcissist is severely defective and basically loathes people and life so they have to destroy the goodness that exists in us to justify their miserable existence? What kind of human could take another human to this place and WHY?
Even accountability as far as it concerns what they may have done to you, be it a huge lie, an affair or whatever will only end up at a dead end too. Whatever they may have done to you was done with intent no matter how it may have hurt you AND they just don’t care and feel justified in their actions. There is no real relationship or love as far as the Narcissist is concerned. They live in a amoral and out of control world and take whatever they can from people with NO CONCERN to the harm they inflict on anybody else. AGAIN, WE MUST UNDERSTAND that there is no real relationship with them! We BELIEVE there is BUT we are all just taking our turn as supply and even though we are their PRIMARY source that still doesn’t mean that it is real by any means. They probably have other relationships or supply on the side that we absolutely have no sense of. These are very dysfunctional individuals that grab at any opportunity to serve themselves. Our primary role is to serve them 24/7 as well as accept their psychopathy, their EVERY indiscretion, lies, betrayal, AND to accept the blame because you/we are not serving them COMPLETELY. No/minimal contact to end the chaos and achieve your freedom and start on your road to recovery. Greg
Part 1 – Any conversation or interaction with a Narcissist is like a ‘hit and run’ accident – you are left in shock, dazed, damaged and trying to figure out what just happened!
It is YOUR fault no matter what, and you DIDN’T do anything to deserve this treatment. BUT you are to ACCEPT their every deception or else they will find somebody else to serve them (tactical abuse for sure!) They have an arsenal of tools to divert from accepting any responsibility for their actions that includes blaming you always and raging at you for daring to question their right to complete freedom (unfortunately you don’t actually know this is a ploy for them to achieve that freedom!) Normally they just lie to cover up their perverted world but on the other hand the Narcissist has a strict set of rules that you must follow and that includes your COMPLETE dedication to them, and you must NEVER betray them as they do to you. You ARE the normal one here that has integrity, morality, empathy and love. That defines you and you don’t need any rules to follow because all of this comes naturally to you. The Narcissists erodes these rules and wants you to believe that you are the very opposite of your valuable belief system!
They simply bait you with many conversations in an effort to constantly manage you down and keep you confused. Just with a normal conversation it almost seems like they are testing you or even mocking you. They are gauging your reactions to see just how far they can push you. They want you to react emotionally and after they bait you to get a reaction they will tell you to calm down, or say you are overreacting and make you internalize their disappointment with you. They want the upper hand always to feel in control so the whole point of this is to get you unhinged and they can and will get down and dirty to achieve this. Conversations are always a competition with them just like everything else with a Narcissist. Think of it like this, it is like the Narcissist purposely punches you in the face and then gets angry at YOU for reacting to that punch!
They will use actions as well to drive their point home with you. Suddenly they are not paying attention to you, or they are very eager to get you off of the phone. They will cancel a plan or just disappear without an explanation – basically isolating you and silencing you for no apparent reason. This pulls you RIGHT BACK IN and when they return you calmly confront their actions and receive a resounding “I’m SICK of always arguing with you – WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??” Well you never started an argument in the first place, you were only reacting in a manner to create some sort of cohesive understanding AND peace, but the Narcissist hones in on your confusion (and reactions) and labels them as arguments. They have successfully manipulated you right into their game to make you believe that YOU are to blame and a defective person. They will more than likely verbalize this to you as well!
So how do they do this? Let’s use the example that they cheated on you or they are just being cruel to you. They won’t directly address the truth or reality of the situation but instead they will bring up something totally unrelated from the past that YOU have done wrong. It is sort of like a comparison to divert from their horrible actions and basically justify what they have done. It is their way of keeping score, but they are always the winners because they are the scorekeeper. Perhaps you sincerely admitted to something you had done wrong in your past and you shared it. They will hold you hostage to this and accountable to whatever it was YOU did (even if it didn’t concern them) and then whatever they did really isn’t all that bad compared to your actions. So don’t you even DARE to hold them accountable or complain about what they did because they are going to bring up your indiscretion from the past! This is not normal resolution this is deceptive manipulation on their part to shore up their lies and actions and DIVERSION.
Again, all of this is done in an effort to put YOU on the defensive to avert all responsibility and accountability. In any situation where they are threatened by exposure of the reality of what they are because the Narcissist has to SHAME you in a manner to stay in control. They have no shame for their actions though and I mean NONE whatsoever. They only transfer their defective qualities onto and into you and basically create strong labels that they attach to you that justify WHY they do what they do. This is really projection. They are transferring their own flaws onto you as well as seeking a reaction that basically confuses or confounds you to drive the point home. They HAVE to respond because they can’t just sit there and allow and accountability or blatant attacks ON THEM because they do NO WRONG! They HAVE to force you into submission so you internalize their attacks as the reality of who you are OR who they want you to believe you are. You are not any of this!
You ARE the normal person here, but you find yourself explaining things like the reality of your feelings, or your need for cohesiveness but you are talking to a stone as far as getting through to a Narcissist. You are basically telling the Narcissist that they are winning at their extreme manipulation by participating. There is no such thing as empathy, feelings, or being nice with a Narcissist. Big red flag here because adults do not need to be taught how to play nice! Usually it is a five-year-old that needs a playground monitor and that is what you are dealing with – a five-year-old liar as well as a delusional bully in an adult body that will NEVER change these sadistic behaviors.
Try as you may to bring resolution to any concern by working through it and you will find yourself spinning your wheels because you will be re-hashing your concern over and over again. They want you to stay in this maze of confusion. They will ignore your every word in favor of crushing your thoughts once again as if your words do not even exist. They want you to reengage to inflict more confusion and damage. They will only repeat the same delusional comments from the original argument and using all of the same words and the same garbage they already threw out at you. They totally ignore any legitimate arguments you may have provided and you are up against a stone wall. NOTHING will ever be resolved unless it is on THEIR terms and that basically involves disabling you and breaking your spirit. With a Narcissist the exact same issues will come up over and over again!
Unfortunately, we can end up feeling bad for them, even when they have done something so horrendous to us and stay locked up in the cycle of returning to them. We sort of see it as the ‘in’ or opportunity to bond with them because we believe there is something complex about them that our love can fix, because they DO love us, don’t they? Once they have successfully averted your attention elsewhere, everything will go back to the way it was. There is never a deep relationship or deep bond with them whatsoever, nor will there ever be one because they are not fully functioning human beings and abusive to the people that love them. A Narcissist cannot love an ‘individual’ because they can’t tolerate individuality. We can’t be anything but what we are and that is an ‘individual’ so there was never anything but the reality of our eventual discard. It threatens their omnipotence or better yet exposing the truth once we realize the relationship is one sided when our real needs are constantly ignored. This is when we actualize the truth that this isn’t love and in the end you are left with nothing!
A Narcissist’s actions never match up with their words. Seriously they divert with excuses and constant blame. Basically, it’s a conversation straight from hell. They aren’t actually saying anything at all and instead they are just talking at you. Before you can even respond to one of their crazy or outrageous statements, they’re already on to the next and the next AND THE NEXT. What can you do? Disengage before any more damage is done or go completely insane. They NEVER follow through with any of their ‘original’ promises or the love they proclaimed was real with us because they are flamboyant con artists and they only extort what they can from our lives, our emotions and our psychological well-being.
We live with so much disappointment that what we feel is only relief when they do something decent even as small as it is, and this is what they have conditioned us into accepting. There is no decency in their actions, everything is done in a manner to serve an agenda where they are ALWAYS on the receiving end. A narcissist conditions you to become grateful for their presence in your life and they do NOT reciprocate or appreciate you as a person, you are a servant to them or supply and they have many servants! You pay dearly for every small gesture with your life. Once they have depleted everything they can, they are through with you and will throw you in the garbage heap without a care or thought to what they have done They will make sure that your integrity is also thrown into the garbage heap when they smear you in the end! These are delusional and destructive creatures and we must internalize this and make this our new reality as far as it concerns them AND most importantly get completely away from them and NEVER try to relate to their world! They will just create a new world for themselves and ABUSE again. In this new world their past doesn’t have the opportunity to catch up with the present BUT it (their destructive past) is there looking over their shoulder and one day it WILL catch up to the Narcissist! No/minimum contact to end the madness and the abuse! Greg