From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
The habit of treating a human being or a person as a means to an end or basically an OBJECT is ‘just common practice’ to a Narcissist and manipulation is the mechanism they use to achieve this dehumanization of people to satisfy their needs! It is fundamentally inhumane or a pathological and perverted manipulation of our basic human rights and SADISTIC – there is no other way to describe it except for what it is OR emotional and psychological abuse. The Narcissist is feeding their endless ‘depravity void’ through injustice by his/her disregard for others and treating them as mere instruments for their own gratification. The closer the connection or association to a Narcissist the more pathological the Narcissist becomes and the more damage done to the target/victim. Their needs are far more than just extorting basic life and biological needs, it is their delusional psychological needs that cause the most damage to their target/victim. It is their need to control and gain dominance or power over other people that damages and destroys them. They are BASICALLY human with most of the same biological needs (like eating, breathing and sexuality) but when it comes to mental functions they are delusional and seem to have a battle that rages in their head to seriously harm people that love them as if they loathe all people and need to destroy them one by one – but yet they USE them to satisfy all of their needs!
The Narcissist is incapable of love because at the core of his/her Narcissism is the total refusal to honor others as individuals (basic human rights) or to truly love and appreciate others as ‘another’ person that is anywhere near equal to the omnipotent Narcissist. It is a fortress or huge wall of envy or jealousy that is weak and very wobbly because it always comes tumbling down and the Narcissist shows their true colors with their debasing and dehumanizing mannerisms because they are empty as far as emotions, empathy, caring, loving or bonding because people are only mere OBJECTS. What the Narcissist does love or better yet crave (for a while) is the false self he/she has created and that he/she NEEDS to see reflected in the affirmation and supply from others to feel real and alive. They are actors and actresses picking and choosing their roles and perfecting them to receive their ‘Emmy’ award or better yet the most and best SUPPLY they can get from their audience. It doesn’t really matter WHO it comes from just as long as they are getting supply and that is why they can move on so easily – and AGAIN they DO NOT bond with people they objectify them.
It is basically a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist is more akin to a TICK feeding on us to survive, as well as infecting us with their poisonous saliva that can and will disable and indect us. We are just a source to feed them, entertain them, and a cover to hide their disfigured and abusive lifestyle. After being objectified and abused we are then blamed/shamed and destroyed as if in a ritual way to remove ANY and ALL accountability from the Narcissist because he/she can never allow themselves to see the reality of their disordered life and the destruction they cause – that and to avoid exposure from the truth that they are disordered and abusive. This is the truth about their superiority or omnipotence, and it is as flimsy as their reality in this world.
Since a Narcissist is incapable of truly loving another as an individual, all of the Narcissist’s relationships with others are perverted, twisted, and abusive. To use a person is to abuse a person, and everyone in the Narcissists life WITHOUT EXCEPTION is nothing more than a means of procuring affirmation, adulation, admiration OR supply. We are a means to an end driven by the Narcissist’s self-serving agenda to secure supply or basically to extort people.
A Narcissist is calculating and refuses ANY connection or obedience of the basic requirements of life or the natural moral laws as they apply to life and human rights. Obedience to a Narcissist implies that there is something larger or better than what they are and they will never comply because it would define them as being WEAKER to allow anyone to feel significant enough to be their equal or better. It is almost like the Narcissist completely relates everything in life to a measurement, but this measurement begins and ends with them. As the saying goes, the sun rises and sets on a Narcissist because they feel they are above all life.
The Narcissist creates the terms of how THEY measure life, so if they were a “tape measure or a ruler”, they would determine the dynamics of each and every measurement OR define every inch of every foot – and you can believe that it would not be consistent as it is SUPPOSED to be. The Narcissist has to be ‘that’ which measures (and judges) and NEVER that WHICH IS MEASURED and NEVER judged. Literally they “coin” the phrase “give them an inch and they will take a yard.” Well that and anything they can get their tentacles around because they are ALWAYS after something when it comes to any relationship with a Narcissist. Unfortunately, if you withhold that ‘something’ from them or test them in any way you will be annihilated because they have a very short fuse!
Nevertheless, our first experiences with the Narcissist has allowed us to believe in a prince/princess ‘charming’ who have done great things in our lives like “loving us” so we hold on to keep the faith, and live with this Narcissist’s amazing BUT fake integrity. It is our empathy, love and basic trust that are targeted. The Narcissist has bamboozled us through this wondrous and seemingly normal façade that IMITATES extreme goodness as well as fake virtues that we hold in good faith BUT really with little or no real accountability or proof – and that was a BIG OOPS. SO, there within the problem LIES – the Narcissist is so very adept at circumventing the intellect and manipulating man/womankind by their craft or better yet craftiness that they have perfected all of their life, so they target us where it counts – OUR EMOTIONS, TRUST, and LOVE! Too bad we couldn’t have run a ‘love or past relationship’ report on them because their rating would have probably been a ZERO! But we were all raised with love and relationships and generally when someone shows us these normal qualities we tend to believe them because they are familiar to us.
Because Narcissists have depleted or deleted their character so profoundly through choices contrary to the norms of reason or basic DENIAL, they will even begin to see themselves as what they project, mirror, and bounce off of us – so basically we give life to their delusions. If you are not governed by any natural or moral laws, but by the law of “whatever you want to be to get whatever you want” well then you hold great power, but you need to CONTROL the world to achieve this superiority, so the Narcissist is fundamentally a dictator and rule their world.
Unfortunately, this comes at a great cost to the Narcissist and their biggest weakness is that it is never enough and they fall into their “out-of-control” lifestyle quickly for more and more adulation and supply from wherever they can get it. Betrayal, addictions, many affairs on the side, gas-lighting, horrendous lies, etc., are all part of the façade and they become so careless that when they are caught and made accountable time after time, their ‘subjects’ (targets/victims) retaliate. A dictator only uses a stronger fist to subdue their ‘subjects’ and likewise a Narcissist does the same with a ‘smear campaign’ of lies to destroy their victim’s integrity. A Narcissist can’t substantiate their delusional lifestyle with us to maintain a relationship because eventually the dictator Narcissist turns hateful, destructive, AND bored. It is of course our entire fault for not cultivating/nurturing all of their delusions and lies and allowing them to maintain the abusive life they created for us. SO, when all is said and done the Narcissist is really running away from their own lies and delusions because they are afraid of being EXPOSED! Obviously, they KNOW what they are doing but they just do not care because they do not have the mechanics to do so – and that is what defines this horrendous personality disorder – a person that does not have the ability to care, feel, or think like we do.
The Narcissist can’t maintain their facade without exposing their true colors, and exposure is their greatest fear. So, the Narcissist exerts their last bit of power to annihilate the very source that could expose the truth or their target/victims. Hence all those clinical terms that describe the repercussions of our relationship with them like back stabbing and the ‘smear campaign’ and BOOM we are destroyed, done and gone forever. No-one is ever the wiser so life goes on FOR THE NARCISSIST while we pay for it with no closure whatsoever. Don’t forget that there are always THOSE subjects that the Narcissist has been grooming while they were abusing us so there you go again – BOOM – they have a brand new ‘subject’ (target/victim) ready and waiting to serve them and new soldiers to protect their lies and shore up the fortress. The biggest point I want to reinforce is that this had NOTHING to do with YOU. It was situational and abuse and you were conned and betrayed in an inhumane and disabling manner so this creature could get at what they wanted. You ARE still that amazing person and you WILL recover from this with the truth, education, self-compassion, introspection, and time. You are an amazing person to have come this far and you will survive and recover from this! No/minimal contact is the ONLY way to end the abuse and move forward to healing and recovery! Greg
Intuition – that voice that we heard in our heads but never acknowledged as fully as we should have with a Narcissist!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Does this scenario sound familiar to you? I became so discombobulated in this abstract and distorted world with my Narcissist because I had no real sense that I was with a personality disordered individual – unfortunately targets/victims never do. This all didn’t happen overnight, it was post ‘love bombing’ so I totally missed the biggest part of the manipulation or the fake love BECAUSE that was the seamless trap a Narcissist uses. So, after the trap was set and I was caught up in the vast array of the positive loving manipulations (love bombing) I just traveled down the normal road of creating and growing in a relationship with what I believed was a ‘normal,’ loving and deserving person. Boy that saying that hindsight is 20/20 REALLY comes into play with a Narcissist!
I know that it is relevant to say that there were these ‘red flags’ waving all along but I have to say they were not as bright and red as so many relate to this abuse or better yet right there in the very beginning. Let’s just say they were light pink because the Narcissist bleached those ‘red flag’ scenarios out with compensatory arguments, lies and more manipulation – or better yet filters that the Narcissist mentally installs in our hearts and minds to divert us from seeing the truth! Love bombing is the first and biggest and by far the most destructive filter that the Narcissist puts in place and utilizes to its fullest advantage to open the doors to our mind and heart to gain our undying love and trust. It is hard as a normal human being to imagine that a predator (Narcissist) would use fake love to lure targets/victims into their world BUT that is the trap they set and that is to conquer us through our emotions first! They are shrewd creatures and they have more ‘mental’ filters that they keep installing into our minds throughout the whole cycle of abuse to basically manage us down and disable our reality – again let’s call it what it is – emotional and psychological ABUSE!
So pushing forward to the ‘post love bombing’ or the devaluation. YES, I was blind sighted and walking on those proverbial eggshells and worrying about what I said or if I was behaving the right way to avoid feeling more desperation from all of the crazy arguments AND warding off the possibility of another verbal attack BUT I kept trying harder! I was conditioned and managed down and really wasn’t an individual by any means, I was just an audience, scapegoat, AND servant to this Narcissist’s crazy making, chaos, and delusions but somehow I accepted responsibility. The Narcissist was so methodical with manipulation and control and always dangling that love over me by throwing me a little bone once in a while and YES usually something so small and insignificant, but I would get exhilarated once again, thinking that this Narcissist thought a little about me and trying with ANY small gesture or token because IT WAS SOMETHING!
This is what manipulative conditioning and managing down is all about – locking you up in such confusion and making you vulnerable! Couple that with the ‘love bombing’ that trapped us all into this abuse, and THEN we invested time into what appeared to be REAL love but the brainwashing and devaluation was what kept us confused and locked in ONLY as a source of supply as we were meant to be! This was ALL fueled by the Narcissist to achieve their agenda and then move on to the next target – it was OU turn and we WERE that ‘next target’ until we reached our expiration date. I had experience with real love and relationships and I was blind sighted by the seamless job this Narcissist did with the ‘love bombing’ and believed it was as real as my other positive experiences from past relationships. It wasn’t desperation it was a small glimmer of hope that just maybe there was the promise of achieving or better yet reigniting a cohesiveness in the relationship – this is what people do in normal relationships – work things out. What I was overlooking and justifying became my abuse and THEN it turned into a desperate love because of the mental abuse!
I didn’t realize that I was being conned and manipulated so seamlessly and losing my ability to see the reality of the situation. The more I tried, and the more empathy I poured out to this Narcissist the more I fed and enabled the psychological abuse, and every day was only disabling my reality and creating cognitive dissonance. There was no instruction manual that came with this creature or a sign that said this was a malignant Narcissist, but something ALWAYS felt wrong and I could never put my finger directly on it. I just really couldn’t get any headway in trying to solve the many issues that seemed to constantly surround this relationship.
Issues piled up layer upon layer with no time in between to solve any one of them and it became an insurmountable feat or that huge maze and I was lost – it became my new normal. A Narcissist surrounds you with so many lies, diversions, manipulation, betrayal, etc., that you are caught in a maze of total confusion where there is absolutely no way out once you become lost there. Furthermore, you are not even aware that you are in this destructive maze! In time, this scenario only got worse as if this Narcissist took extreme pleasure in torturing me, punishing me, taunting me, and just being intentionally cruel. This creature knew exactly what they were doing. Then there were the LIES – so many of them that now (many years later) I believe that EVERYTHING out of this Narcissist’s mouth was/is a lie!
Normal love is a strong emotion that we build up to, but once there we hand our heart AND our trust over unconditionally to this person because usually they reciprocate in the same manner and that is what starts the journey, but with a Narcissist it is a death sentence. Everybody pursues a relationship at some point in their life because it is part of the human condition and normally we can identify the ‘jerks’ but a Narcissist is a predator and seamless with their game and pursuit and the ‘love bombing’ is the bait they use to be successful in making us a source of supply. This is not being foolish, allowing this abuse, wanting it, being weak or any of the above – it was horrendous manipulation at the hands of a ‘not fully functioning human being’ that had an agenda AND still does. Remember a Narcissist’s survival is dependent on finding constant sources of supply and really a matter of life and death as far as they are concerned. It is like going to a doctor to have surgery, and you just trust that this really is a doctor that will have your best interests and health in mind. You have met the doctor, the doctor has been part of your community and seems functional, so you go through with the surgery because you believe this doctor is REAL. Narcissist usually come across as functioning and ‘normal’ people too and you would think that the world would know what a fraud they really are, but the Narcissist carefully keeps their past well hidden.
I did realize the truth of my situation, but what conspired between the love bombing and when I finally figured out the truth was dehumanizing and disabling psychological abuse. Giving a Narcissist credit that they are NOT cognitive of their actions is like enabling any other criminal that has acted out against the law and dehumanized another person with their actions. Narcissists are psychological terrorists/rapists pure and simple and they need to be made accountable for their crimes! Yes, it would be great to find a cure, help them and give them all the human compassion possible – but didn’t we already do this? It is not being scorned, mean or anything but the realization of the truth and that is they are personality disordered and they are dangerous and destructive to other human beings. Unfortunately, society has only attached the clinical label but that is as far as it goes for now. The rest is up to us and that involves our personal safety, healing and moving completely away from this situation and person. Yes, the emotional and psychological abuse is deep seeded inside of us all, but we have to fix this no matter what and more than often the support is just not always right there – BUT we must find it through knowledge, education, the support of other victims/survivors, and professional help if need be. If we don’t choose a path of real recovery we will be locked up with the shell shock of this abuse forever. Face it our stories are too incredulous and we would have had issues believing stories like our own before we were abused. We know the truth and that is all we have and all we need to really start moving forward. Healing is not giving up as if we resign to the fact that we were just not smart enough, or allowed the abuse but instead it is believing in yourself and empowering yourself with the truth and that is what will move you forward. We must first accomplish this through no/minimal contact! Greg
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Today or whatever day you are sitting there and feeling such a debilitating and sick feeling in the pit of your stomach because of something you saw or heard that this Narcissist is off and having the time of their life with a new person is just all about the Narcissist warping your reality AGAIN (AND the new supplies unfortunately.) This is still all about the devaluation that you spent so much of your time trying to reconcile – you believed that so much of this was your fault and that blame lingers in your mind and NOW you believe that this Narcissist has found a new and better ‘love of their life.’ You are still trying to fix this in some manner to alleviate the pain you feel, but now it is only at a distance and you are the only participant. That Narcissist is off and into a new target/victim, so you keep searching for those answers where there really aren’t any REAL answers and only images that lead you back to feeling like YOU were/are unworthy.
OK so your Narcissist is sending all kinds of messages that they are in love, maybe they got married within a few weeks after they abandoned you (or if YOU were the one that left the relationship.) First who does that – you don’t meet someone within days or weeks of a breakup and commit to them. WELL a Narcissist does AND probably had that supply on the side the whole time as backup. What I am trying to get at is that this is all about the cycle of abuse – the love bombing, devaluation, discard and then the Narcissist with new supply within a very short period of time. This is just a new person for this Narcissist to cycle into abuse and more than likely they have been searching for, procuring, and building up a harem of new supply throughout your entire relationship with them.
SO that pretty picture about the two of them out there and being in love, etc., is that Narcissist SECURING new supply to LOCK into the debilitating abuse PURE and SIMPLE. Call it stage one or the ‘love bombing,’ but it is EXACTLY what you went through when YOU met this Narcissist. You still feel attached at the hip to this Narcissist because you had REAL emotions as it concerned YOUR relationship and probably still love them. Unfortunately, even though the Narcissist was akin to a monster, the love you felt for them doesn’t just disappear when you finally realize that what you loved was an abusive Narcissist. Because you loved them DOESN’T make you weak or anything negative because we all fall in love but unfortunately what we fell into was a trap and con job that was expertly executed and NOW being repeated with a new target. Your emotions WILL still come into play when you are trying to actualize the truth of this whole mess and especially after seeing that they have moved on so quickly and you are still crawling your way out of the huge void they left for you and feeling traumatized. You HAVE to separate yourself from emotions with pure fact. It isn’t easy when you are so vulnerable, but at least if you can say to yourself that they are abusers and what they have with the new supply is just as unreal as what you experienced, it will start to plant a seed in your mind that will grow with time (and more education) – AND A CLEARER PICTURE about the truth.
Narcissists don’t love they secure supply and trap that supply with what appears to be love BUT ISN’T anything near it (as you are getting to understand now). You are seeing your life with them being repeated in the EXACT same pattern. The only coefficient that is different here is the new supply that is NONE THE WISER. That new supply is the new you and will be in your shoes one day. It is just a matter of time until the new supply figures it all out and that could be months to years, but BE ASSURED it WILL happen as it did to you and anyone else that connects to this Narcissist. All of their relationships failed and guess whose fault it was? Well the Narcissist isn’t going to admit that they are disordered and not a fully functioning human so it is ALWAYS the other person that gets the blame. Just textbook logic.
Take yourself back and how you were duped into this relationship and you handed all of your trust over to this Narcissist. Did you somehow magically change and become so disordered that you deserved to be dehumanized and abused like you were? NO, NO, NO – this is what abuse is all about as it concerns this predator securing supply. Again, it is just using control as a tool to isolate a target, gain power over them and keeping them dancing with the disordered Narcissist. It is objectification and subjugation of a human being!
If you ever broke up from a previous and normal relationship did you feel this disconnected and left without any sense of closure? Were you hated as a Narcissists hates their ex’s, or was your integrity destroyed? Only Narcissists do this with astonishing agility to destroy those that they know they have harmed! Just look for the Narcissist’s past and you won’t find it anywhere within reach of the new supply. The Narcissist separates their past from their present for a reason and that is to avoid exposure. You could talk until you are blue in the face to the new supply but you will probably get nowhere because they believe just as you did at one time that THIS IS THEIR SOUL MATE. BUT they do know something is not quite right even now and trust me on this one!
So, remember, every message you may hear or see is sent to make you feel jealous, hurt you and manage you down more AND to keep you vulnerable and silent. When I look back and piece these messages together I only see ‘crazy making’ and contradictory messages like the Narcissist had to convince many people once more that another failed relationship was NOT their fault. This is nothing new for a Narcissist to have so much craziness around them – this is their out-of-control lifestyle, but unfortunately they HAVE to have a 24/7 source of supply there to drag through their pretend world – and that was all of our roles as it is the new supplies role now. When relationships end both parties usually move on, but the Narcissist does not allow this because they still want to control and demean us and if you partake in any of their messages you will only stay frozen within those messages. But if you allow yourself time to heal and NEW clarity you will see through all of their deceit.
The emotions that we draw our conclusions from loving this Narcissist can damage us more and become a driving force especially as it concerns this abuse. There is no closure just tons of messages from a disordered creature that wants you to feel their wrath as well as abuse you just a little bit more to perhaps take you over the edge – I had to deal with this for almost a YEAR. Don’t let it because it will only lock you up in a vicious circle of obsessive thoughts that have no basis of reality because you are dealing with a Narcissist and you NOW know what they are and do. They want to continue to control you and enjoy it with all of their off-color messages and gestures of happiness. The many supporters they SEEM to have are surface friends that haven’t had to deal with their abuse personally as we have so they are clueless and lack the depth to see the real truth. Narcissist don’t maintain or harbor deep friendships, they con, use and abuse. We can’t blame the new supply or dislike them, because we were in THEIR shoes once and look where it got us, BUT we also protected the Narcissisrt and stayed with them until we couldn’t anymore.
In reality you loved the love, because you were the only participant in this relationship. There was a body there with you but it used and abused you and loved the adulation and admiration it saw reflected in your face. This creature extorted your whole life through betraying and cheating your love day after day. Just what would you consider as viable love in your relationship with them? What would you want from this Narcissist that can never love you, more abuse because that is the only thing they have to offer?
When you feel the urges to drown yourself with emotions, just remember those emotions were real to you and you are an amazing person that can love but that person you loved was stealing your life through this love. They are disordered and will always be that way. You must separate your emotions from the reality of WHAT they are and build on that aspect through more education. There is NOTHING amazing about them and never will be, they will continue abusing people and tricking all of their little minions that they manipulate as well.
The cost of your relationship was a deep psychological punch to your mind and soul that left scars. Don’t ask yourself to justify anything about your Narcissist and new supply as being good or real. Don’t connect to ANYTHING that they are waving in your face at a distance because they are doing it for a reason to protect themselves and fool more people into believing their incredulous lies and disordered lifestyle. Try to stay away from any thoughts about them as it concerns you and the love you felt. Turn that back into yourself and take your power back. Love yourself because that is where you will see the results that will take you on a journey to recovery! No/minimal contact and no peaking to see what is going on in their world. It is a dark and disordered world that you should never look back at. Greg
Backstabbing and the Smear Campaign! Damned if we do or damned if we don’t. Why do Narcissists basically get away with abuse and why do people believe them first and then we are left having to fight to get our integrity back?
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Many, if not all Narcissists completely get away with their psychological terrorism and they basically murder their targets self-esteem, mind, soul AND their integrity with their backstabbing and ‘smear campaign!’ Be it the bullying, slander, or abuse, things that should be prosecutable offenses and they do this all of their lives. So just how do they get away with it all without any consequences AND why do people believe them? WELL, first off because the Narcissist KNOWS that they are creating outrageous and dehumanizing acts against people and humanity – they also think up ways to avoid the consequences, especially because of what they fear the most – EXPOSURE of who they are and what they do! Funny how this works – they do not care in the least bit as far as how they damage people, but they make sure that NOBODY is ever wise to their actions – BUT that describes a personality disordered person – toxic, chaotic, unstable and abusive!
A couple simple approaches to understanding this craziness and chaos. A Narcissist uses targeted confusion, lies and manipulation with backstabbing and that smear campaign OR divide and conquer – this also helps divert the attention away from the Narcissist who is the culprit. SO THE BIG PLAN – that shrewd Narcissist destroys the victim’s credibility well in advance, so they are ten steps ahead of the game by destroying the victim’s integrity well before they abandon them – it makes ‘getting away’ easier for the Narcissist. They are by far NOT geniuses, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you want to get away with something like abusing someone, you first launch an effective pre-emptive attack on their character, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when the truth finally starts emerging that they (target/victim) was abused. Here is the formula for the Narcissist to be successful at this – abuse and then accuse your target/victim of the very atrocity they (the Narcissist) has committed and BOOM you are on top of your game to escape the exposure. They have been backstabbing/smearing us behind our backs from the very first day that we met them – but we were very distracted by the ‘love bombing’ and growing trust with this creature OR just us being a normal and empathic human being that opened up our hearts and giving our TRUST to them implicitly. Meanwhile that dark Narcissistic creature was gathering up information to use against us when they needed it and building up their minions, flying monkeys or Narcissistic support soldiers.
The basic facts of life as it concerns those people that love to put themselves in the middle to judge others, or the Narcissists best friends and supporters or MINIONS – they are toxic and basically abusers too. BUT the bigger lesson of “damned if we do or damned if we don’t” is the culprit here too! Everybody knows that when somebody defends themselves from accusations with accusations, the majority will always believe the one who accused first and views the ‘defendant’ (the victim) as the attacker, the scorned one and retaliating as if the target/victim were caught in OR did the outrageous things that the Narcissist has alleged. This is irrational, because the initial accuser (the Narcissist) is the attacker and there is no more reason to believe one party over the other but people do! Lastly if we don’t make an attempt to stand up or defend our integrity we are guilty by the design of the disordered Narcissist’s smear campaign. No win situation for the target or victim, especially when they are already vulnerable from the ABUSE and basically a shell of a person.
So, people believe the Narcissist first. The more preposterous the Narcissist’s accusations, the more firmly people believe them because they got there first spreading their poisonous lies! It is like when a child comes forward with accusations of abuse, people are going to (or basically have to) believe the child to get to the truth about the allegations. Any and all preposterous accusations will always yield very strong attention to the subject matter because you just can’t walk away from such a dangerous and damaging situation without offering support because it would seem if the person listening didn’t care or lacked the empathy to help the lying Narcissist out. Just the shrewd monster acting out their destructive agenda.
The disordered Narcissist commits moral mayhem by destroying the victim’s reputation and credibility, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when they start to tell the truth. Truthfully this description of mayhem that the Narcissist used to destroy the target/victim’s integrity is purely projection, so the Narcissist gets a bonus by dumping their demons onto us as well! Thus with the Narcissist this preemptive back-stabbing and smear campaign, allows the Narcissist to reduce the target/victim to such a vulnerable and helpless state that it compounds the abuse at the highest level by accusing the target/victim of being the abuser as well. Remember that the Narcissist used the ‘familiarity’ of knowing us personally to ‘be in the know’ about many of our situations and that familiarity will yield semi-valid but distorted ‘personal’ information and connections to events and other people. In other words, their smear campaign will be laced with small bits and pieces of a distorted truth that listeners can relate to. So there you have it – the Narcissist carries out their abuse to fruition with their ‘smear campaign’ after they have discarded their victim and that gives them the protection to run off unscathed. We have to remember that what they have said is ALL lies as well as consider that any so called ‘friends’ that know us AND would believe those lies without asking us is not worth our consideration yet alone our friendship. No/minimal contact to get away from this madness once and for all! Greg
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Narcissists view the world as their playground to take what they want and they never give back. They view or better yet PORTRAY themselves as omnipotent, moralistic, religious as well as many other things that they stamp onto their worldly resume or their ‘brand’ that they put out there for ALL of us – none of which have any real connection to who and what they REALLY are – abusive and destructive predators. You could really sum it up by saying that a Narcissist feels entitled to do whatever they want, take whatever they want, and act out in whatever manner they want and they just do not care in the smallest way!
A Narcissist never looks inward in a manner to see that they have a personality disorder, or that their world is built on lies and appearances – that is merely a clinical definition for us to sort of understand them. Furthermore, they never admit to being wrong, doing anything wrong, or having wronged or destroying the many lives that they do. However, the Narcissist HAS wronged others, be it cheating, lying, manipulation, hurting them emotionally or physically, BUT a Narcissist manages to project blame on and into the targets/victims and everyone around them. They also have their minions and a new supply to support them or filter their lies through, as well as hide behind to avoid exposure. If you think about this and really actualize the truth as it concerns them then you have to understand that they are destructive and dangerous and you CAN’T be a part of their world.
In fact, the Narcissist will view him/herself as superior or above the rest of humanity. Narcissists do not see themselves as the pathological and destructive person that lives their entire life like a parasite using and taking advantage of others, objectifying people and then moving on once they have emotionally drained and damaged a person. Nor does the Narcissist see how flimsy their thin veneer of lies, and false credentials are. No instead the Narcissist will project their false image and describe themselves as a hero of sorts or even a saint as far as it concerns humanity and their role here on earth! Well this is part of their disordered and damaged self that enables the Narcissist to live in complete denial of the damage they inflict onto people’s lives. There are no written laws, rules or regulations that a Narcissist will follow. They are in COMPLETE denial of their false lives and they just lie to get out of any sticky situation to avoid accountability! They have absolutely no notion or care as it concerns right and wrong or truth and lies. They live in a pretend world and they want us to play along or else!
The Narcissist considers him/herself above the norms of goodness and in COMPLETE denial that any of their actions borderline being outright cruel or even evil toward others. That is the double-edged sword that they attack the world with. The truth is that their lives are all about double standards or what serves them. If it wasn’t for DOUBLE standards a Narcissist wouldn’t have ANY standards at all! A Narcissist will stand tall and preach about morality as if all cheaters should burn twice in hell, but as he/she is giving their lecture from the pulpit they are also surveying the room to find a little extra supply to have on the side. But the Narcissist is not a cheater in their mind – they are DESERVING because they are special and above reprise for their actions in life.
The real definition of a Narcissist is that of a creature that is so preoccupied and focused on their every desire, pleasure and need that it completely blinds the Narcissist from reality and self-blame – they are too busy looking for that next fix to fill that void that describes their life. The Narcissist re-writes reality to fit his/her delusions and with every taker AND it is like the Narcissist winning the lottery when they find a new target to extort and harm. They relish the chase and the rewards they yield from whatever scam they are presenting to a person or persons! Remember supply to them is many different things that are used by them to fit into this world – so they are everywhere and the damage they do is NOT only confined to relationships. They simply CHARM their way into lives and situations with that façade and then go after whatever it is they came for.
A Narcissist lives in such a self-contained world of fear and hate that they have to shore it up with every possible denial mechanism available to them to maintain the Frankenstein monster that they are. It must require an insurmountable amount of energy for them to maintain their disordered fortress that is built on so many layers of lies. A Narcissist most certainly doesn’t want others to use, manipulate, lie, and hurt him/her as he/she does to them. That is why there are so many rules (double standards) in their world that we must abide by. That really sounds like a Narcissist has a master plan and is very cognizant of their actions! It is the Narcissist’s pathological denial that leads them to focus only on their desires, pleasures and needs that also blinds them to their abusive nature, and protects them from self-blame. They just project it onto and into us and BAM it is magically gone from their conscious world and we take the blame and shame. AND to further drive the point home they even punish us and think we are weak because they get away with the horrendous malevolence toward the very people that love them! They don’t understand the compassion that normal people have and offer so freely – they take full advantage of it instead!
Their modus operandi or the tools of their trade are manipulative words, pathological lying, slander, back-stabbing, triangulation, and a cunning personality like that of a fox! You only have to watch the Narcissist as he/she grins at their own exploitive games that accompany their malicious actions. It reveals the reality that their behavior and intentions are as far removed from caring, loving or having any semblance of empathy. The Narcissist has one main goal and that is to drain each and every person that is involved in their lives or use people as objects that serve a purpose. Once you enter into Narcissist-ville you sign away your right to freedom or individuality, and you better be ready to become an indentured servant to the Narcissist, as well as take your emotional beatings regularly. Your lawful rights are stripped from you and you are now under the rule of a sadistic dictator and there is no way to escape their rule unscathed or undamaged. The Narcissist intends to control people through negativity, harm, and fear. This is how the Narcissist maintains their reign of control and that is through emotional and psychological manipulation. It is an epic relationship with them because they start you out on this journey by loving you – or so they say to open the door to their abusive world!
Admitting faults, or taking responsibility for their harmful actions would take some degree of empathy of which they have NONE. It is virtually impossible for the Narcissist to put themselves in other people’s shoes and seeing him/herself as causing harm and destruction. Not only is the Narcissist incapable of this it also repulses them to believe they are anything less than perfect. Remember the Narcissist is omnipotent and as such is superior and always in charge of their delusional world EVEN if they have to rewrite history to meet their needs. They will never put themselves in a position where they would even consider anything negative or wrong about their own self-absorbed and tyrannical nature – this would be a weakness on their part. This superior concept that the Narcissist maintains is consistently mirrored in everything they do. We all end up failing to meet their needs so we will be dismissed by this grand dictator. Remember the Narcissist’s self-absorbed perspective defines humanity as existing only to serve his/her immediate needs and OBEY – anything else is dissension and you will be punished and dismissed.
Again the Narcissist creates the grand illusion of a “special bond” or “love” for those whom he/she finds most useful at any given moment. This interprets as those who enhance his/her reputation, or help him/her procure a want or need, or offer him/her money, property, status, etc. For those unlucky individuals that the Narcissists fosters a relationship with it is really to isolate and target them for the time being to drain them of whatever it is that Narcissist is after, and they hoard over (isolate) the victim until they have gotten all they can get. Everyone else who sees through the Narcissist’s mask of insanity or exposes his/her lies becomes an “enemy” in the Narcissist’s eyes, and therefore a target of his/her hatred and will be devalued and destroyed!
Their life boils down to an accumulation of targets/victims, sexual partners, and whatever property gains they manage to extort. As many spouses know Narcissists will have children with them as well, and sometimes children to other spouses or partners. It is sort of like a collection of human beings for the Narcissist or better yet objects that have no emotional depth or the chance of a worthwhile life with this Narcissist as a real parent. Malignant Narcissist are so heartless and callous that they reject their own children, once they devalue and discard the target/victim spouse. BUT they will portray themselves as the BETTER spouse that is a complete care giver to these children, often taking credit for things the abused spouse has done in reality.
We must remember that at the core of the Narcissist psychopathy is a mindset governed by their grandiosity, lack of empathy for others, and a grand sense of entitlement and superiority that places them above laws and morality. The Narcissist grossly overestimates their abilities and accomplishments and underestimates the complete being of their target/victim. Simply put, the Narcissist should be able to do anything they wish, however harmful and destructive, because the Narcissist is better than others. In the Narcissist’s mind, by making us a part of their wonderful life by mere association with them, he/she passes on to us this grandiosity as if they are royalty and that is our reward. It is ridiculous and repulsive that they can believe this nonsense and more akin to pompousness and arrogance. Any association with them is dangerous and traumatizing and we MUST understand this and never try to fix them, heal them, or try to get into their heads! No/minimal contact always! Greg
The Narcissist is intentionally distorting and debilitating your reality through extreme manipulation so that you will become isolated and dependent on them as the center of your universe – it is called emotional and psychological abuse AND control!
A Narcissist needs to project so many things at and ‘into’ their target to feel empowered and real, as well as deny their own darkness and destructive ways by transferring and dumping everything and anything toxic onto the target/victim. It is a tangled mess for the victim/target to discern reality from all of these mechanisms that are in place for the Narcissist to succeed at doing what they are doing – ABUSING TO GET SUPPLY!
At any given moment there are lies to cover the their delusional truths, manipulation to confound and confuse you, betrayal to hurt what you believe is real, back-stabbing to undermine your integrity, triangulation to destroy your immediate circle of friends and family, love-bombing to make you believe the Narcissist is true to you, blame and shame to make you believe you are the destructive force in this relationship, WITHHOLDING to condition you to react as the Narcissist wants you to, raging to make you fearful of your existence, hate to reduce you to feeling anguish, name calling or making fun of you to steal your self-esteem, projection to make you out to be the force behind the destruction, denying you any semblance of your own reality, silencing to invalidate your individualism, punishment to make you accept their way or accept harm as a consequence, smearing to destroy your complete integrity so the Narcissist can escape exposure, AND many more avenues that a disordered Narcissist will travel to abuse their target/victim. We must never allow this to be defined as just a personality disorder and give it credence and acceptability – IT IS A DESTRUCTIVE AND DEBILITATING EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE!
Psychological abuse is a process whereby the abuser conditions or manages the target/victim down through subtle to extreme CONTROL. As I outlined above there are so many tactics that a Narcissist uses to do this so that every aspect of the target/victim’s conscious world is manipulated into dealing with the abuse tactics and this diverts and warps a target/victim’s reality over time and traumatizes them. It becomes a 24/7 or full time job as it concerns the target/victim dealing with so many mind games that are thrown their way. It literally causes their world to fall apart around them.
The conditioning a Narcissist uses changes behaviors and manipulates the victim’s normal reality and transforms it into some form of fear for the target/victim. Fear can be interpreted as many things with emotional and psychological abuse – fear that the target/victim BELIEVES they really have mental health issues, fear of abandonment, fear of punishment, fear of loss, fear of rage, fear of destruction at the hands (or better yet the mouth) of a Narcissist, fear of being harmed, fear of isolation, and fear of not being worthy of love AND life.
This conditioning process ALSO puts the target/victim into a place of trust first where they are joined at the hip with their abuser. Clinically the Narcissist ‘love bombs’ the target/victim literally to death to create this strong emotional bond so they can easily achieve their agenda to pillage, extort and destroy their target/victim’s reality, mind, and soul. It conditions the target/victim to value the Narcissist above themselves because the Narcissist successfully managed the target/victim down so they DON’T value themselves anymore. It is a constant barrage of a combination of manipulative and negative actions as well as the LACK of positive and supportive actions. It is also punishing the victim through silencing, raging, ignoring, criticizing, and forcing them into complete compliance. The target/victim is forced to only consider what the Narcissist needs are, and the Narcissist NEVER considers a single need of the target/victim.
The Narcissist disallows individualism in favor of this complete compliance and adoration of themselves. Failure to do so will only lead to stronger attacks of anger or rage to comply or else. There is no reward for meeting the Narcissist’s needs because they will demand more and more. The target/victim is drained of their self-esteem, worth, and reality and the Narcissist will only go in for the kill with more dehumanizing, destruction and ‘smearing’ their target/victim and then abandoning them and moving on to abuse another.
With all of this in mind is there anything that is as equally insidious as far as what this abuse does to a good, loving, caring, and moral person that lives with empathy at the core of their reality. NO and I say it again as a survivor of this abuse that has lived within this destructive lifestyle and lived with what was a battle to regain my integrity and life back. This is not a simple matter of going into recovery, it is like learning to walk again, seeing the goodness once more that does exist in life, learning to trust people, rebuilding yourself financially, and basically starting over after being infected by a contagious, destructive, and personality disordered Narcissist.
The Narcissist will always manage EVERYBODY down and condition us to believe that their every action/word (abuse) is a reality that we must accept because we don’t deserve any better. A Narcissist wants your reality, your goodness, and basically your life and to completely accept them as ‘perfect’ or jump ship and drown without them.
A Narcissist will use ANYTHING to convince you that you are seriously damaged. Alternatively, a Narcissist will even use chaotic backdoor psychology on you, or strong and FAKE religious beliefs, or a false consensus from friends, or family about your instability, even from your co-workers, etc. to justify their lies and inexcusable behaviors concerning you. For example, saying things like – ‘I pray for your healing daily,’ or ‘you have issues that you need to address with a therapist,’ or ‘my therapist agrees with me about your actions,’ or ‘my mother agrees with me and understood what I did because of the way YOU treated me’ (this concerned an affair my Narcissist had), or the basic hit and run comment ‘I am right and you are wrong’ and then just walking away! These are nothing more than tactics for deflecting responsibility and reinforcing them with ill placed and FALSE comments from other people that aren’t even involved. A Narcissist rarely, if ever, admits they are wrong unless it is to zap you with a hidden insult. For example, ‘I am sorry for thinking you were a kind, caring, loving, and generous person’- I see that I was probably wrong about you.”
A Narcissist rarely if ever takes responsibility for their hurtful actions. If you call them out on their bad behaviors, they claim it was your fault for pushing them into it (in other words, you deserved it) and you’re a bad person to make a good person like them (the Narcissist) act that way – they will even say that nobody has EVER treated them like you have. You should be ashamed of yourself! I was continually blamed for my Narcissist’s horrid and raging temper with comments that I pushed the Narcissist to act this way. No, I was a great, caring and giving person. Everything I was accused of were only delusional and fake accusations of things I was supposedly doing that would come out of thin air to start an argumentative situation with toxic drama, silencing, and betrayal as my punishment, OR managing down to control me and make me feel constantly confused and worthless. This is their modus operandi or mode of operation. No/minimal contact to stop the madness and end the abuse! Greg
N0/Minimal Contact – A little field guide to help you through the insidious process and BREAK FREE from their PRISON of ABUSE!
A Narcissist wants you to react to their hurtful behaviors, so they can feel righteous, indignant, powerful, in control – AND they will even mimic a ‘make believe’ hurt and justification when they need to blame or dump their shame onto us – just all part of their delusion and ABUSE. If you don’t react, that upsets them, too AND they lose their POWER over you. Remember, ultimately, there is no winning with them AT ALL while you stay engaged with them in a relationship OF ANY SORT. You CAN win by NOT giving a Narcissist the reaction he/she wants, disengaging, and if you can do it (AND YOU SHOULD) ending the relationship so you can recover your soul, self-esteem, worth and life. Maintaining any level of hyper-vigilance and behavioral maintenance or trying to fix them or the situation, helping them in some way, etc., is just too emotionally, physically and psychologically exhausting and DESTRUCTIVE with a Narcissist or basically impossible. So here are some thoughts on how to disengage, move on, recover, be free, enjoy your life, and be able to move forward and join reality once more.
So, let’s start by using one of the Narcissist’s tools – and that is DEVALUING. It is our turn to devalue the Narcissist and hold them accountable for EVERYTHING they have done – and our devaluation isn’t done in a manner to abuse as a Narcissist does to their targets/victims – it is exposing the truth about what they did and what they are. Accountability has to go back to DAY ONE – and what a great deal to accomplish since their abuse spans the entire relationship from the first day they sized us up for abuse – but it is the truth and the reality WE MUST ACCEPT. A little caution by holding them accountable you may get some major strikes from the Narcissist with raging, yelling, hideous insults, accusations, etc., things you are probably already familiar with! The Narcissist won’t admit you are right, nor accept responsibility for their abusive behaviors, lies, and distortions. You also won’t get the validation, vindication, or closure you long for, BUT it puts the truth foremost and that truth will build a great wall that will stand between you and the Narcissist. That wall empowers you and protects you from the Narcissist trying to pull you back into more abuse. The truth WILL light your way to recovery and freedom!
Don’t start a huge argument with them ever – like an all-out yelling match. Don’t get in the Narcissist’s face the way he/she gets or got in yours. IF and when you find yourself engaged in one of their atrocious or chaotic arguments – calmly and clearly bring it all back to the real facts and turn it back onto them AND leave it there. Commit to simple and realistic phrases like these and even memorize them – “That’s not true.” “I won’t admit that’s true no matter how angry you get.” “That’s not how I remember it, THIS is what really happened.” The Narcissist will probably continue to talk or shout over you, change their story as they continue yapping their psychopathy at you AND in your face. The Narcissist will deny things ever happened and/or call you a liar, but that still doesn’t change the facts of their behaviors and events. By changing your thoughts and approach you are in command of your reality and those chaotic emotions they try to stir up. The TRUTH is like putting a mirror in front of a vampire and revealing that THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REFLECTION OF A REAL IMAGE. That is what happens when the truth is exposed – we realize that their image was fake, a big lie, and all part of a plan to extort and harm us with their well-rehearsed cycle of abuse. DISENGAGE and set yourself free – you are not a prisoner!
If you can’t achieve no-contact, because of children or whatever reason prevents you from getting there, remember this – CHOOSE your battles very wisely. You can’t respond to everything the Narcissist says, does or demands. You just can’t because that is and always has been part of their game plan – and now you get it finally, so disengage from it – PLUS there aren’t enough hours in the day to listen to the Narcissist’s crazy making and chaos. Figure out your bottom line as it concerns necessary contact with them. Make some concessions on small issues to allow the Narcissist to feel like their “winning” and stick to your guns on the big and real issues that have an effect on your normality. This will help to preserve your sanity. Embrace – better yet grasp onto your OWN reality and hold onto it for dear life and DON’T LET GO because that Narcissist is trying to drag you back into their darkness, control you and abuse you.
Contain any and all emotions. Whatever you do, DON’T ask a Narcissist to explain their feelings because they HAVE NONE – all you do with any question is give them direction on how to manipulate the situation AND you will only get more lies, diversions, more betrayal and whatever else they can pull out of their bag of tricks to reel you back into abuse. DON’T express your emotions EVER, because it will become another trap. If you tell that shrewd Narcissist what you’re thinking and feeling, it will be held and used against you now and in the future. Remember they will want to accuse you of many negative things to gain control of your emotions especially when they start realizing you mean business and are moving on – don’t give them any more fuel to devalue you OR use against you OR for their “smear campaign.”
Narcissists can’t handle their own intense emotions that is why they are buried deep inside of them and basically destroyed – all that is there is one big void – so they do not want to deal with the emotions of others nor do they even understand them. That’s why they are human PROJECTION machines – or this phrase that I have heard used by other writers – Narcissist’s react with a vile assault of “emotional projectile vomiting.” It is all of those familiar feelings like anxiety, fear, self-doubt, worthlessness, self-loathing, anger, etc. – that we have all experienced and been conditioned into accepting many times. You become the receptacle for their emotional projectile vomiting with one of their rages that is aimed directly at your spirt and self-esteem. After they deposit the contents of their highly disturbed psyche onto you (that is the clinical projection thing) then they feel better because you are now carrying THEIR toxicity for them.
So, when the Narcissist starts projecting, again, don’t ever discuss their feelings—because that’s a bottomless pit—and don’t tell the Narcissist how bad he/she is making you feel because like a shark smelling blood from their prey, it will then compel the shark AND THE NARCISSIST to attack you again (that’s in addition to their initial attack). Keep everything as generic as possible.
The long and short of it is that you must DETACH FROM THE OUTCOME. You can’t control the Narcissist nor can you make them change. All you can do is make choices for yourself, decide how much you can tolerate, set boundaries, and decide when enough is enough and end the relationship. You cannot be their emotional prisoner because it is NOT a viable or workable situation. Any connection with them is smothering, manipulative, controlling, disabling, dehumanizing, traumatizing, and destructive. So LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS or completely shut them off with your Narcissist. Expecting anything real or positive from a Narcissist will only lead you to feel worthless, blamed, shamed, broadsided, perpetually disappointed, and hurt. Run away and never look back if you can.
For all their FAKE crocodile tears and hyper-sensitivity ALWAYS remember that Narcissists are emotional predators and bullies so what you are seeing is just more of those FAKE responses to elicit a response from you and divert from reality ONCE AGAIN. If you stay in a relationship with a Narcissist the best you can expect is more of the same. You may achieve some periods of peace, but at what cost – total denial of the truth and more ABUSE. There is nothing there for you, not even a real person.
What will become powerful and long-lasting is the desire and implementation of no/minimal contact and your total emotional FREEDOM as well as your sanity from an abusive Narcissist. There is such a repulsion and indignity you will feel because now you know the truth of someone abusing you in a manner to make you believe that they are/were acting out of love and a commitment to you and possibly even a family you created together. It is grotesque to say the least to KNOW their con and big lie. Finally, you are beginning to see the soulless and predatory creature that would damage your life or anybody’s life (even their own biological children) in an effort to fulfill all of their needs in the perverse and out-of-control manner that they live. If you remain resolved and steadfast in your “no/minimal contact” the temptation to listen and believe the Narcissist definitely lessens and diminishes in time. THEN, in its place grows a new way of processing the abuse and your past with the Narcissist that will no longer allow this disordered person to dictate the terms of your inner and outer life. Now you have a real choice in a way you never had when your mind and emotions were held HOSTAGE while being expertly and methodically psychologically terrorized – or ABUSED if you will. No/minimal contact to find your way back to life. Greg
It is all about supply and demand! We are supply and the Narcissist demands that we basically serve all of their needs!
For any victim/target, the process of understanding this abuse is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you so much of your time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem, your career or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to this relationship. It may have become your entire life, even having a family with a Narcissist. For the Narcissist however, the whole process isn’t really personal AT ALL! The Narcissist WILL do the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him/her into their intimate life. We are all reduced and considered as OBJECTS and supply and we are just one of many be it from their past or even their present since they can and do have multiple sources of supply in their life. Life is a department store where the Narcissist shops for the SPECIFIC supply they desire – but they would be more aptly described as “shoplifters” because they feel completely entitled to take whatever they desire AND when they desire it – AND shopaholics because they are addicted!
They will do it again and again to everyone they seduce into their lair of manipulation, lies, and betrayal. It’s not about you or me, and it is not about the other people involved who are new/extra supply, the many partners they were with, the minions the Narcissist employ in their game and set against you, or the many ‘others” the Narcissist used to make you compete and/or jealous – all of this is supply to validate the Narcissist’s ego, to give him/her pleasure, to meet his/her fickle needs. No one source of supply means anything more or less than any other supply. When you realize this is is shocking or better yet traumatizing to accept yet alone believe!
The Narcissist wasn’t with them (the new/extra or any supply) because they are/were superior to you so you have to get that thought completely out of your head and heart. The Narcissist was with them for the same reason that he/she was with you or me – to extort and use them, perhaps for different purposes than the Narcissist used you, but with the same devastating effect – debilitating abuse. The Narcissist will invariably treat others in a very similar way to how he/she treated you. Idealize, devalue and discard – or how the Narcissist utilizes and processes their targets/victims into what we believe is a ‘relationship’ to secure or harvest supply – then move on to the next. It was/ is and will always be only about the Narcissist’s need to extort people and life. Our abuse is the outcome of the process (idealize, devalue and discard). They win us over with their pathological seduction to control us and USE US to satisfy all their needs for as long as you stay with the Narcissist. WE ARE ALL SUPPLY AND TEMPORARY.
So WHY does a Narcissist idealize their targets in the first place. Why do they invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? Well this is what makes up the components of the abuse as well as defines them as predators, extortionists and the abusers they are. Basically, they need us to survive in this world because they have no alternative because they are a part of this human race but they do NOT think or act like us. They must put on a façade of normalcy to fit in or else be exposed.
So with that in mind the obvious response would be that they do it for security or constant and ‘longer term supply.” Perhaps they do it because they can’t get close to people to secure supply with their TRUE psychopathic nature – SO IT IS A NEEDED PART of the big con job by concentrating their energy on ONE PRIMARY SOURCE and hopefully locking them in long term to always have a steady source readily available. It is the psychopathy that goes hand in hand with their personality disorder – and it is how they are wired! Whenever a Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because he/she wants something from that person and THEY WILL EXTORT IT OUT OF THEM!
It all depends on what the Narcissist wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him/her. If the Narcissist wants some sort of semblance of order and respectability or a façade of diversion behind which he/she can hide his/her TRUE and perverse nature to appear harmless and normal, he/she may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. If all he/she wants is to have some fun, it will be over within a short period of time, maybe even a couple of hours. If the Narcissist wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he/she may stay with you for as long as you excite him/her. It may even be a relationship so that the Narcissist can climb up the ladder of success in their career and they will target and charm THOSE people that will help them achieve their goal. If it is to secure an army of ‘minions’ to support the Narcissist’s façade they will create these relationships to avoid exposure. Despite the differences or the length of time or timeline that the Narcissist remains with ANY supply, what will remain constant is that eventually, you’ll be discarded as soon as you no longer serve his/her needs.
They do enjoy the chase, the seduction and the betrayal. They relish creating the illusion that they’re something they’re not because it is all part of their psychopathic ego feeding process and being a Narcissist. They also enjoy observing how they dupe others into believing all of their fiction – AND THE REWARDS ARE GREAT FOR THE NARCISSIST – all the supply they can get through their lies and manipulation. This isn’t just psycho-babble it is the clinical truth and it is horrendous to actualize the truth when you are the one being duped, extorted, conned, etc. AGAIN, when the Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because they want something from that person – that is all there is to it – the rest of it is HOW they con you into this role as their source of supply.
The CLINICAL research does confirm that Narcissists suffer from a lack of empathy as well as the EMOTIONS that would be directly related to somebody that HAD empathy, so that makes their bonding superficial, at best. When they want something or someone they pursue that goal with all their might. You are a means to an end or a SOURCE of SUPPLY to feed their many needs. You were never idealized for YOURSELF, but for something else you had OR supply as it concerns this personality disordered Narcissist. But when their goal is actually you/us – then their pursuit feels very REAL because we are being SEDUCED and conned. They will even get married to pull us into this huge con or big lie and that gives them a lifeline to you/us legally and emotionally for their constant chaos and crazy making.
Temporarily we represent the object of their desire, the answer to their needs, the love of their life and the key to their happiness – remember they can’t do any of this on their own because of their psychopathic nature and lack of all empathy so they need other normal humans. But this feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s empty to the core, they are COMPLETELY empty – a big needy void. Add to this that they are addicts – and supply is their drug so they are always off and looking for the next fix! All of this pretty much fuels their out-of-control lifestyle. As we’ve observed, once the Narcissist feels they have you in their grasp AND once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on them, they GET BORED with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. We are THEIR supply in this psychopathic manipulation, and they are NOT going to be ‘our’ supply or give anything to us in return – this is a one-way street. So inevitably they are going to move on when we try to make this “relationship” real in a manner that we are a VIABLE part of it and have needs – that is when the devaluation and the blame is turned onto the victim. They are not in a relationship that grows in a normal manner, they are in a delusional and contractual agreement with every other human being that states we will SUPPLY the Narcissist with EVERYTHING they desire and expect NOTHING in return except for emotional and psychological abuse that can disable a victim’s core beliefs. No/minimal contact is the only way out! Greg
Narcissists DO find their ideal victims, and usually they are emotionally giving, very caring, kind, loving and selfless – basically good people like YOU and me. Generally, people that are centered in life and good natured, AND also loaded with positive empathy, emotionally generous, and unconditional as well. They will bend their boundaries just enough to accommodate the bigger picture, and that is keeping life in a positive direction, working through things, turning the other cheek, etc. There is nothing wrong with that nor should any person be judged or looked down upon as a weak person for these qualities or better yet taken advantage of, bullied and abused for who or what they are. What I am only describing is a good and INTELLIGENT person that strives to keep positive balance in their life. My point here is that there is no label that should be applied to any target/victim as being deserving of abuse from a Narcissist or anybody.
Yes of course there are lessons to be learned after abuse as it concerns creating new boundaries to protect yourself from future abuse. In the real world, there is and has to be give and take BUT unfortunately the world of a Narcissist is ‘take and take more,’ or more appropriately con, trap, manipulate, extort, and abuse. It is a learning process that comes post abuse, or after being a target of this hideous situation and what is most important is that you don’t lock up your values and distrust the world. I had boundaries in my life to protect myself from chaotic, dangerous, and bad people – BUT I had no clue that there were people out there capable of tricking me through extreme lies and manipulation, using love to gain my trust and then willfully abusing that trust to extort from me and cause such destruction in my life. Narcissists will always step on and over your boundaries with their extreme trickery and manipulation.
Narcissists will search out people and get a feel for who will dance their dance, play their game and who won’t and that is what makes them purely predatory. So basically, these Narcissist’s are surveying, assessing, and interviewing most everybody within their general habitat to find their next SOURCES of supply to prey upon. They seek out and find their primary supply and many other sources of supply on the side. Supply, supply, supply – that is the Narcissist’s ONLY goal and main objective, no real relationship, no real love, or no real future! They are like locusts attacking a field of wheat that they strip bare to satisfy their hunger. They don’t care that it causes the farmer great loss and they don’t miss the wonderful farmer whose crops they feasted upon or even send that farmer a thank you note OR establish closure of any sort – they just move onto the next field to pillage. Realistically a locust doesn’t trick a farmer into loving them, and the farmer is well aware that locusts exist, as well as what they can do to their crops. But that is my point WE didn’t realize that there was a dangerous creature out there that could do this to us with an arsenal of tools to achieve their agenda. The message here is that you CAN’T blame yourself or believe you are a fool – this was situational.
Here is where the big game of manipulation begins. They snuggle right up to your emotions and mimic them to create an amazing connection. Add to the equation that they are charming, intoxicating, AND they seduce their prey into their lair with lies and manipulation. They create a perfect ‘love story’ for us and seriously it is only a story and one written precisely for us and then mother nature does her part. It is a calculated move on the Narcissist’s part to figure out exactly how to find a place in our heart through our minds. They are quite good at it because they have fooled us or better yet conned us into a place where they will take advantage of our trust AND generosity. To a Narcissist it is just another day with no real thought or remorse to any of their adverse actions. They want something so they go after it and there are no rules or laws that they abide by as it concerns any harm they cause to people. Don’t forget that there is also NO empathy, so they don’t know ‘love’ or even have a clue what it feels like, but interestingly enough they mimic it very well. What an amazing and well thought out plan a Narcissist develops and uses to secure their supply that shouts out PREDATOR!
The relationship happens so fast and they swept all of us right off of our feet and into their destructive hands. The reality and the very scary thing here is that they knew exactly what they were doing (too bad we didn’t know this!) None of this was love at first sight, or two soul mates finally meeting up in life, or that prince/princess charming fairy tale that we have heard and read about! Furthermore, this was not coincidental, an accident or FATE – you met certain criteria and were selected, targeted and then pulled into their cycle of abuse. This is all premeditated because a Narcissist does NOT know ‘love’ or act upon loving emotions/feelings in the realm of any relationship, nor are they a supportive partner, or in it for the long run. They are in this relationship (and I use this word loosely) to harvest their needs or SUPPLY just like you were a new washing machine. They will trade you in at the first sign of breaking down. They will overload your capacity and basically make you break down (just like a washing machine.) OH, and they probably are seriously entertaining a dryer (for supply,) a vacuum, stove, coffee maker etc. on the side. The point here is that they objectify people and we are basically an object to them and they have many objects that they are using at the same time. The difference is who provides the most supply gets the top billing with them.
You just don’t ‘spot’ a Narcissist because they don’t have a sign over their head that identifies them as one. Plus, they are very evasive creatures that camouflage their true identity and darkness so they can walk among us freely searching for supply to harvest. Even now the facts of how many Narcissists are out there abusing is probably way off. Do you think this predator is going to identify themselves in a census count? NO WAY because their false identity is part of their trade secret!
I always hear this commercial on TV as it concerns identity theft and your credit cards. The announcer says, “protect yourself from identity theft with “blah, blah, blah” – a service that monitors any and all transactions on your credit/debit cards. Identity theft is relatively new but WOW society is well aware of it and the damage it can do to their financial world. Well a Narcissist will mess with your identity (and your finances) among many other things, BUT there is no monitoring company out there that protects you and calls your cell phone when a Narcissist is extorting every aspect of your life. When you are out today ask the first person you see to define identity theft and then ask them to define a malignant Narcissist. You can bet they know what identity theft is BUT they will be lacking a cohesive definition about Narcissism. One last question – who do identity thieves go after? ANYBODY AND EVERYBODY because they are predators after something we have that we can ‘SUPPY’ them with – Narcissists could be aptly name identity thieves too! AMEN!
There are some clues or red flags that we definitely overlooked, but that is just not our human nature to turn away from something so amazing that ‘looks and feels’ like real love. We are going to pursue this and of course we are looking out for ourselves – but the ‘love bombing’ of a Narcissist is created with US BEING THE MAIN COEFFICIENT and personally designed with US in mind. What part of the ‘love bombing’ could have been identified as ‘questionable’ when someone is loving you so completely?
They are just seamless with their lies, commitment stories, manipulation, etc. It isn’t until AFTER you are taken in that the real monster rears its ugly face AND after all of your emotions are in place and loving them. In the beginning stage it is all lies, manipulation and seductive charm. None of which are the type you can easily prove or even want to prove. Do you smack a Narcissist on the nose for saying they love you, or reject their hugs and caring with another smack? Do you run to the police when they say they love you and ask a detective to follow them? No, but in time you will be feeling like you want to, but that is down the road and after the big con job. This is a manipulative and lying predator with an agenda in mind and it is a ‘one on one’ manipulation with only YOU and the NARCISSIST in this dance! We don’t know how disordered they are while they lure us into their trap NOR do we know they are a Narcissist! Hindsight being 20/20 we get this message loud and clear AFTER we have been abused. The general populace doesn’t get this, nor would they believe that this creature could turn a beautiful romance into a horrendous game of destruction.
Reclaim your power by externalizing (dumping) any and all blame and realize that the enemy you were dealing with was very stealth and the attack came out of nowhere and this is not your fault! You are left as a prisoner of war would be and the poison that flows through your psyche started with what you thought was love. It is an insurmountable and huge betrayal with the dehumanization and realization that it was all a big lie every minute you believed you were with them exclusively because you really weren’t. It is a ridiculous and horrendous pill to swallow. A person entered into your life that you loved (and they said they loved you exclusively) but it was ALL ONE BIG CON JOB! They extorted your emotions and manipulated them in such a debilitating manner to take you from this great love to making you out to be defective and worthless. Every person that has encountered this abuse can relate EXACTLY to this disturbing truth. Reminds me of one of those old black and white movies where a thug picks up a hitchhiker, making them believe they are going to drive them to their destination with good intentions, but instead steals their wallet and self-respect, and then pushes them out of the moving car and then drives off to find another victim. Knowledge is power and the truth that seems to hurt so much right now is what will lead you away from this abuse and into recovery and healing. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
So many times, we question many things that surrounds this abuse from a Narcissist. We feel extreme anxiety, hopelessness, stress, angst, depression, low self-esteem and we keep returning to the same question of when will we finally move on and heal from the effects of this Narcissist and the abuse? It is like being on a merry-go-round by ourselves and all we want to do is get off! Well the answer is right there – we have to get off of that Narcissist’s merry-go-round and put the energy into our PERSONAL recovery and that starts with education/knowledge and then moving away from anything and everything Narcissist. You CAN’T change the Narcissist, heal them, move them to love you, or anything – so PUT THAT ENERGY BACK IN YOURSELF because you CAN change, heal and move forward!
One reason healing and recovery is slow and we fall backwards is because we need to be educated about this abuse FIRST because we have had no real experience to really understand it as well as why we reacted as we did and fell into these destructive patterns. When all is said and done we are dealing with what we believe are those normal emotions and the withdrawal of breaking up, but it is much deeper because it was emotional/psychological abuse!
To truly understand this abuse and how we managed to live with it (and through it) as well as the destructive unhealthy patterns, we need to purge everything out of us so ‘time’ is part of the equation of recovery, and EVERYBODY recovers at their own pace. BUT your voice is the very first step to validating this abuse by talking about it and finding your way to other people that have experienced the exact same patterns that you have and then from there the truth will light your way to recovery. A Narcissist is NEVER going to tell the truth about anything yet alone offer any type of closure or admit that they abused you, so remove them from the equation completely – this is about you becoming healthy again. Once they KNOW you are on to them they start maligning and destroying you to your immediate world (friends, family, co-workers) because they fear exposure. They start on their horrendous smear campaign to make you out to be everything wrong, a liar, damaged, mentally ill, etc., and basically destroying your integrity. That is just more of the abuse and again them displaying MORE chaos and diversions to keep you under their control, silenced, and dragging you back into the emotional and psychological manipulation, confusion, and TRAUMA. So, information is healing power and we need this from the experience of others to lead us in the right direction so we don’t keep stumbling and falling back into the abuse.
We were conned into a relationship we BELIEVED was based on love and slowly but surely we were managed down, controlled, extorted, devalued, dehumanized and then discarded. We were like prisoners that were locked up in our own mind because of this psychological war that a Narcissist waged with us but we didn’t know it was a war. The Narcissist not only infiltrated our minds but also our lives to isolate us through triangulation with our friends and family as well as smearing our integrity. That is similar to what prisoners of war experience with brainwashing and accepting their roles as well as their captors too. The world of a prisoner of war becomes so small and is usually only shared with their captor and the four walls that surround them. Their whole life is managed down and controlled by their captor and that prisoner’s reality is broken down and destroyed by the isolation and brainwashing they experience. It is intentional just as the abuse at the hands of a Narcissist was/is. This abuse psychologically captures the target/victim’s reality and it methodically destroys it through psychological tactics that are meant to demean, devalue and DESTROY the target/victim. A Narcissist is a very disordered person that disables and destroys people to take what they need and discard us as damaged goods! This was never a battle that WE knew about, we believed what the Narcissist pathologically manipulated us into believing in the beginning and that was that we were in a committed and loving relationship. That is one incredulous tactic to use on a person that only describes and shouts out a very deceptive agenda to extort.
How does a person with normal empathy wrap their head around a Narcissist? What words are appropriate – did we love a person or did we love a Narcissist? Now ask yourself to completely justify your choice and it is troubling. Your mind is or was constantly in a circle of trying to believe that they were real as they brain-washed you into believing with their ‘love bombing.’ Then you have to face the reality that so much of what you believed in as well as accountability on the Narcissist’s part becomes so much so into question when we are devalued and discarded. The new truth will conjure up so much trauma as it concerns the Narcissist moving on so quickly as well as the hate they are throwing back at you and you ask yourself over and over again WHY! This conflict is beyond confusing to deal with because you are a person that only KNOWS love and practices empathy so you are left trying to find some avenue of goodness in them (the Narcissist) to reconcile this especially since they put on such a display of love in the beginning. There is NO avenue of goodness here because it was abuse!
It is not within our realm of understanding so it keeps us continually wrapped up with self-doubt and justifications. The truth is that the ‘love bombing’ as amazing and reinforcing as it was to us is no less destructive than the devaluation process or the discard because it was the force behind the Narcissists agenda to gain our trust and move us into the cycle of this abuse AND what got us here today. The road to recovery REQUIRES a crash course about this abuse so we get our REAL ‘ah ha’ moment about the reality of our situation. Even with the truth in mind our emotions will have to be dealt with in a sort of grieving process to move forward because the situation was purely diabolical within the manner that we were conned. Unfortunately, the emotional aspect (love) of this abuse does not go away even with our ‘ah ha’ moment and THAT is what keeps you locked up in the justifications and trying to fix what we were basically ‘blamed and shamed’ into believing that we destroyed. Just another trick on the Narcissists part to keep us confused and on this terrible roller coaster of ‘emotional ups and downs.’ They are like ticks that attach themselves to our skin sucking our blood or very life force! If and when you try to remove them their head stays lodged in your skin causing great damage because their infectious poison remains inside of you. Without treatment you can suffer for the remainder of your life. BUT trust me that in time the pain will lesson with the truth, knowledge, education and the support of other victims/survivors. It all starts with your voice and talking about your situation.
A Narcissist will make us their punching bag for their inadequacies through rages. Their aim is to force us into a co-dependent role and their possession (object) to use at will – that and to gain control over us, our emotions and our life. We are not prized by them as an equal partner but taken for granted as long as we give them supply and even that is probably a bit too complementary as to them having ANY feelings for us even as supply. This is a dehumanizing partnership we have with them because we were only the NEXT object in a Narcissist’s long past of using and abusing people. It was just our turn because of an unfortunate twist of fate that landed us right in their web of lies and deceit, or a predator finding its prey.
Recovery is a process that demands that we separate ourselves from the Narcissist that is inside of us as the result of living or being with that Narcissist. The Narcissist has crippled you (us) and assigned you a role as they do to every target/victim. We HAD to develop coping mechanisms with him/her. EVERY day we were forced (controlled) to “walk on eggshells” and develop our own false self to support their every need. It is nothing even comparable to BEING a Narcissist it is just defining what we become and that is NS or Narcissistic supply. It is a direct result of the elaborate arsenal of tools that the Narcissist uses and the result of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you (us) by the Narcissist.
With all of that being said, great efforts are required to abandon a Narcissist and physical separation is only the first step. Next psychological separation is also required and that is the catch 22 in our recovery. Establishing a new reality that puts all of our old beliefs about this relationship to rest forever. We can abandon a Narcissist physically but our psyche is slow to abandon the Narcissist. The abuse is lurking there rendering its existence at every level of our reality. It is twisting and distorting our every thought as we reach out to find closure in response to the many years we were with them. The Narcissist’s words and actions live within us as an inner, remorseless voice, lacking any compassion and empathy for our real being. The Narcissist is there in spirit long after he/she has vanished physically. This is the final bow of the Narcissist or their final curtain call, the proxy abuse, as well as the blame and shame that has to be purged out of us as if this was our fault or we deserved it. That is what emotional and psychological abuse does to a good and loving person – disables them until they repurpose themselves back into life.
Just like the analogy of that fast ride on the merry-go-round, my only salvation was to jump off at all costs and get my feet back on the ground and my bearings back again. This was not a simple process because this Narcissist made sure to set the groundwork to make those nearest and dearest to me believe that I was a bad person and derelict – so that ground was shaky at first. This was an insurmountable situation that I had to venture into without any course of action to resolve any of it quickly. I stumbled through it and had to let go of many things that were important to my life and become a survivor. Day by day I acquired the truth as well as knowledge to move forward. I didn’t look at any of the losses at first, I realized that my survival was based on becoming healthy first and then to rebuild from there. I had to concentrate on ME and only me because I needed to be healthy once more. I had to step out of the fog and take each and every day as part of my freedom that provided me clarity to heal and move on little by little until I survived this war that was waged against my life. They just don’t walk into our lives to take supply and then discard us, they have to destroy us to make themselves feel better or superior in the process and to bury the evidence to avoid exposure.
They will put so much time into their agenda to trap someone new and take them down to their level, but we do break free from them and their little battle rages on with life that forces them to keep searching for another person. They don’t ever look back on their life with fond memories, or fulfilled dreams because they don’t have a REAL life. Their own biological children become targets/victims and suffer from the fallout of their abuse and quickly become like every other person they abandon. They have no past, present or future – only the destruction, loss and loneliness that they have inflicted upon others that RETURNS to them tenfold. There is no happiness or ‘new’ love in their life, just another target to abuse and a new game for them to play AND distancing their past so it doesn’t catch up with them. You have the heart, soul and mind to grow from this destructive time you spent with them. You can love again and you have the spirit and goodness from your past life to reprocess yourself and bring yourself back again. Unlike a Narcissist that is in a constant battle with life, you are resilient because you know unconditional love that heals and have empathy to grow as rational, functioning and normal human beings do! Don’t waste any of your precious time thinking about them because they are not giving you a single thought – know this as the truth! No/minimal contact to move forward! Greg