Narcissists utilize THEIR manipulation skills in a manner to instill FEAR in their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything!

Narcissists utilize THEIR manipulation skills in a manner to instill FEAR in their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything! This is really manufactured and FORCED chaos that is meant to confound their target’s normal thoughts and again make them feel fearful and OBEDIENT. They are always changing the goalposts so that you can never feel that there is a cohesive relationship, a connection, goodness, or a YOU in this relationship.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Remember they HAVE NO EMPATHY! – SO, with zero empathy they are VERY capable of inflicting psychological AND even physical harm to others and are unaffected by that extreme hurt and harm they actually cause to others – just part of their working agenda. This can be very evident at times because it is a downright shocking situation, and we have all been there shaking our heads in disbelief at what they have said or acted on. It can also be very subtle with many small manipulative and dehumanizing actions that disassemble the target/victim’s well-being slowly and methodically. BUT it is so perplexing that people disbelieve their very ears and more than often we dismiss it and justify it by thinking it is JUST anger, a bad day, insecurity, jealousy, or they have some wrong information about us – BUT it is constant and consistent behavior meant to debase us and control us to keep us subservient and obedient to them.

Targets/victims are unaware that they have been living in what can only be compared to as an active battle zone. Most are unaware what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is or that it is a highly effective abuse from a predator. This is especially apparent with their people skills or lack thereof. They have no viable or normal functioning interpersonal skills with anyone, and it is all about their needs and manipulating everyone to get what they want. So, with that function being completely null/void and DEAD, it follows that they have NO ability to relate to another human being in any normal manner, especially as it concerns empathy, compassion, or LOVE – THIS is where we start to see what is truly behind that mask and that is when our intuition starts yelling at us that something is very wrong!

Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to make you feel their fear/wrath to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there.

Attacking your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your “buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.”.

The Narcissist can and will even go so far as always threatening “your security” with them which includes ending the relationship if you do not conform, dating other people, affairs, silencing, isolating, or using other controlling and terrorist/fear tactics.

They are very unpredictable with their day-to-day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable/normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos and gas-lighting!).

This behavior is damaging, and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what is expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused, and controlled waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO ACT so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun, and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is fear and control to keep you constantly disabled.

They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain CONTROL over you. Be it making fun of us, belittling us, criticizing us, name calling, screaming at us, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making us the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you. They must have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.

Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above) – somewhere you are LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong, and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give, it is never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you do not fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.

Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled, and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it, or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts, and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!

Narcissists do not think the same way the rest of us do as far as it concerns empathy, love, and support because it would allow us to be individuals that think independently of their controlling and abusive nature. What is personally good, fun, logical, and reasonable to us, is the absolute opposite to them – again THIS is what leads us to our ‘Ah Ha’ moment. It is one of the reasons people get so frustrated, confused, and ABUSED by Narcissists. We would never consider diminishing someone we care for OR intentionally making someone angry or fearful of us – especially someone we care for, value or love – NOR would we use words as ammunition to wound someone. To the Narcissist making someone angrier, fearful, invalidating them and using it against them is their goal in life OR controlling their victim They are big cowards that always lurk in the shadows to hide their identity with their lies, manipulation, and perverted lifestyle. Control is power in their world! Trust your intuition and empower yourself with truth and clarity. No/Minimal contact! Greg

Remember EVERYTHING that they do or say has an agenda behind it – and that is to ALWAYS benefit their need for CONTROL and POWER over others.

Remember EVERYTHING that they do or say has an agenda behind it – and that is to ALWAYS benefit their need for CONTROL and POWER over others. Getting to KNOW these Narcissists and their manipulative and destructive games! PROJECTION – how they dump their many wrongs onto/into us AND diminish something good about us at the same time. Narcissistic hocus pocus to MANAGE US DOWN!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist.

This is so important to breaking their code to see the real dysfunctional person behind that mask! Projection and smearing at the same time is a work of art for the Narcissist, and it is uncanny how they manage to accomplish it. It is all in the way their words are carefully placed, because not only do they ditch one of their faults, but they also muddy up one of our virtues in the process until they eradicate some of our goodness that they envy and truly despise. They are so glib and amazingly adept at ‘killing two birds with that one stone,’ or with projection. But understand and remember this, the Narcissist is not attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments.’ Consequently, when the Narcissist is conducting a smear campaign or a one-on-one character assassination against someone, the proverbial gun the Narcissist shoots never hits one of your real flaws, it is shot to just wound you enough to disable you emotionally and psychologically. Believe me they will keep shooting and wounding you in the hopes of completely crippling you as time goes by because they must. Remember they will also find something/anything (usually an insecurity of ours) and super-embellish it in a manner to make us feel wrong or bad too. It is all about managing us down in every possible way.

Think of it in your own normal and functioning world as to why you would ever project slander and lies onto another person Well first off because you would be hiding some sort of ugly action and trying to redeem yourself, so you will not be cast off and out of your circle of friends, family and loved ones. Lying is the use of words to project a false image to correct the real or bad image – the Narcissists whole image is based on this! Lies could also be used in a good way by over complimenting or flattering someone to win them over, perhaps even exaggerate a few things here and there, but basically lying has a deceptive agenda attached to it. With the Narcissist think of it in bigger terms or EVERYTHING that constitutes their personality or life is based on lies and hideous distortions and it is pathological in nature and all consuming. You or I could never have known this when we met them, nor could we have done anything to correct any of their dysfunction. This is their normal and they just utilize their talents to jump from one relationship to another and they are not looking back at any of the damage they have caused to anybody – they are only looking for personal gains from every relationship – and nothing else matters.

This is how they justify the HUGE denial of their disordered life AND make it work. If they are creating these amazing qualities to hide the truth, then they are obviously cognizant or aware of just how damaged they are to HAVE to hide them. They cannot hold onto that awareness of being damaged and destructive, so THIS IS WHY they are projecting an altered and amazing persona. Just part of the process to create their false world as well as dragging us into it to see this amazing BUT self-created reflection through us! This process holds them together, so the truth does not make their head implode. BUT always remember there is absolutely NOTHING real about them – let me repeat this again – NOTHING IS REAL ABOUT THEM!!

They absolutely know this so when that damaged child starts surfacing after they have betrayed us, cheated, lied, stole or any number of things, they need to dump those feelings of inadequacy and guilt ASAP and usually in the form of BLAMING us. They HAVE to patch up that mask or false image to save themselves from seeing their REAL image or reflection – as well as making sure the public doesn’t see WHO they really are? So, they just dump it onto and into somebody else and that would be our role in all of this. We are the mirror or big screen, and they are a self-contained fortress full of fake images to adorn themselves with as well as establish and enable some sort of reality to hide all of their damaged parts! STOP BELIEVING IN ANYTHING ABOUT THEM it is all chaos and CONTROL! No/minimal contact because Narcissists are not real by any means and damaging to all people that orbit in their chaotic world. Greg

REMEMBER – you are amazing, you KNOW love, you HAVE empathy, and you have the ability to move forward to recovery because you are stronger and even more amazing than you know – that is why you are here today! Set yourself free with knowledge, education, support, clarity, and NO/minimal contact! Together we heal. Greg

Narcissists have absolutely no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation by significant others or any other person. It is actually perceived as a threat to their agenda because a Narcissist is ONLY seeking out SUPPLY and objectifies all of his/her targets/victims.

Narcissists have absolutely no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation by significant others or any other person. It is actually perceived as a threat to their agenda because a Narcissist is ONLY seeking out SUPPLY and objectifies all of his/her targets/victims.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

All people in the Narcissist’s life/world have very clear roles and that is for the Narcissist to harvest supply, nothing less but definitely nothing more. Devaluation is a subtle process that starts from the very first day we start on our journey with them and throughout the entire life of the relationship. The Narcissist does NOT start this relationship believing we are the ‘love of their life,’ that would be akin to us believing that the over complimentary car salesperson loves us – no they are schmoozing us to get us to buy a new car because it profits them. It is all a mechanical process just like with the Narcissist to achieve their agenda and to profit from the relationship with us.

 A narcissist will make us their punching bag for their inadequacies through rages. Their aim is to force us into a co-dependent role and their possession to use at will, AND to gain control over us, our emotions, and our life. We are not prized by them as an equal partner but taken for granted as long as we give them supply and even that is probably a bit too complementary as to them having ANY feelings for us even as supply. This is a dehumanizing partnership we have with them because we were only the NEXT object in a Narcissist’s long past of using and abusing people. It was just our turn because of an unfortunate twist of fate that landed us right in their web of lies and deceit, or a predator finding its prey.

 BUT many spouses, friends, family members, partners, honestly BELIEVE that given sufficient time and patience they will be the ones to ‘fix’ them. We were probably not aware there was a clinical name, and this is a disorder so instead we viewed them as being troubled. Because we loved them and they loved us for sure, it is our job and responsibility to be unconditional and bend our empathy to protect our loved one! We can’t “rescue” the narcissist and shield them from their disordered self. The Narcissist makes use of our naïve aspect to keep us there for them, just as they manipulated us to gain our love with the ‘love bombing.’ They take us as a captive prisoner through a strong emotional bonding that would weather the Narcissists exploitive acts to his/her benefit. Our real or natural, protective, and healthy mechanisms, which (again) are normal processes in normal people in love – are twisted, used, and abused by the narcissist to extract more and more narcissistic supply. There were fake apologies, but it always shifted back to the disabling blame and shame as if we were the source of the problem and needed to work on ourselves.

 So, the truth or the crash course to understanding our role. The narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche and also penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques – brainwashing us every step of the way to BELIEVE in them so they can in turn manage us down and control us to ‘get’ supply. They are seriously like a virus that establishes itself within its victims. Their words and manipulative actions echo through our psyche and mind, slowly but surely disabling every aspect of our reality, disabling us with the sole intent to control and extort us.

 Recovery is a process that demands that we separate ourselves from the Narcissist that is inside of us as the result of living or being with that Narcissist. The Narcissist has crippled you (us) and assigned us a role as they do to every target/victim. We HAD to develop coping mechanisms with him/her. EVERY day we were forced (controlled) to “walk on eggshells” and develop our own false self to support their every need. It is nothing even comparable to BEING a Narcissist it is just defining what we become and that is Narcissistic supply. It is a direct result of the elaborate arsenal of tools that the Narcissist uses, and the result of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you (us) by the Narcissist.

 They will put so much time into their agenda to trap someone new and take them down to their level, but we do break free from them and their little battle rages on with life that forces them to keep searching for another person. They do not ever look back on their life with fond memories or fulfilled dreams because they do not have a REAL life. Their own biological children become targets/victims and suffer from the fallout of their abuse and quickly become like every other person they abandon BUT use if they can gain something from a connection with them. They have no past, present or future – only the destruction, loss, and loneliness that they have inflicted upon others that RETURNS to them tenfold. There is no happiness or ‘new’ love in their life, just another target to abuse and a new game for them to play AND distancing their past so it does not catch up with them. You have the heart, soul, and mind to grow from this destructive time you spent with them. You can love again, and you have the spirit and goodness from your past life to re-educate you and bring you back again. Unlike a Narcissist that is in a constant battle with life, you are resilient because you know unconditional love that heals and have empathy to grow as rational, functioning, and normal human beings do! No/minimal contact to take your power back and move to forward to positive and healthy solutions! Greg

They ARE masters at manipulation and lying – so they can effortlessly FLIP the truth in an effort to make us always seem like we are wrong, bad, argumentative, and even abusive.

They ARE masters at manipulation and lying – so they can effortlessly FLIP the truth in an effort to make us always seem like we are wrong, bad, argumentative, and even abusive.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

How do they do it? With well-placed lies mixed in with a tiny bit of truth. Understanding the reality about these emotional and psychological abusers. The truth is not a way of demeaning them as they have demeaned us, or ‘getting back’ at them — it is understanding the ‘reality’ of this abuse and putting a perspective on it so we CAN move forward without blaming ourselves to healing and working on OUR recovery.

 As simple as it all sounds the Narcissist’s aim is impeccable and all of us are the targets and we make their life work. Think about their attacks. Who does the Narcissist call a liar? The honest person and usually that means you and me, but who is the real liar – the Narcissist? Who does The Narcissists say is bad, dangerous and the abusive person? Well again the good person that actually cares for them and probably loves them and that is us again. They will put themselves before their own biological children and family, and that speaks so loudly about how disordered they really are! Remember though they are quite talented at what they do, and they have all of this down to an art form so their talent for farce is so great that MANY people mistake the Narcissist for stoic and astute as we have all done. They are working that image for sure and hanging onto that mask for dear life. But in that definition just remember that their insecurity is so intense that they must seek out many mirrors (people) to constantly reinforce the big facade or the big lie of what and who they are. They have no room for anything else in their lives other than keeping that façade and themselves viable and alive – but it is not plausible because they are so out of control that they always get caught up in their own game. You can only fake it for so long!

So many times, we see ourselves as foolish for falling for their lies, manipulation, and façade. But let us put some thought into this, EVERYONE falls for their façade, even their minions, or the naysayers that find our stories too incredulous to believe. So, are they foolish as well for not seeing through the Narcissists façade to? A big YES. So, if we are to accept foolishness then the rest of the world must join in accepting their role as also being FOOLED by the Narcissist’s grand façade! Seriously we are not fools we were conned just like everybody else!

A Narcissist has the mental capacity of a child with no sense of measure or moderation – just wants and needs AND most importantly NO EMPATHY which defines their disorder. So, a Narcissist is more dangerous with their thoughts, mouth, and complete lack of empathy than an angry child throwing a tantrum because they want what they want and WHEN they want it. They will spew out some poison about someone as easily and naturally as we take a breath of air. Remember a Narcissist only loves themselves and there is NO room for anything else but seeking out people or supply to reinforce their lame façade. They have no normal human relationships because they can only relate to people as objects. As I mentioned above, a Narcissists will project off their own children as thoughtlessly as they would anybody else that stands directly in front of them and that is just too unnatural as it concerns the human love condition, yet alone what they will do to anybody. Since a Narcissist is really a ‘mental’ little child, the only reign on their behavior is what they feel they can get away with. So, the more The Narcissist gets away with, the more repressed guilt they must purge onto some poor target/victim.

Look at their daily lives, the Narcissist is more than likely to totally discredit someone he/she owes gratitude, because needing help damages the Narcissist’s perfect image. So, the Narcissist repays help as though it were an insult. They must devalue it by devaluing the giver of it by making them a contemptible person that is incapable of really helping someone as grand and perfect as they are. The Narcissist’s world is comprised of devaluing people, discrediting them with horrendous lies, and using them as steppingstones to get to their desired source of newer and continued supply. This is what they are and what we must internalize to move forward by leaving THEM completely behind in every way. No/Minimal contact always! Greg

A Narcissist intentionally poisons your mind, your heart, your soul, AND your life! They ARE emotional/psychological abusers and terrorize the lives of people that have ANY connection with them!

A Narcissist intentionally poisons your mind, your heart, your soul, AND your life! They ARE emotional/psychological abusers and terrorize the lives of people that have ANY connection with them!

From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

A Narcissist clearly crosses the boundaries of defying another person’s human rights and dignity, so much so it is clearly classified as psychological/emotional abuse and domestic violence. They tear down a person’s psychological well-being in such an insidious/sadistic manner that the target becomes completely vulnerable, unprotected, and fearful. A Narcissist is completely pathological in every single aspect of how they relate to the people and the world around them. Unfortunately, their world is completely delusional, one in which they do not allow individuality because they are absolute rulers (dictators) in that world. The unfortunate fact is that a Narcissist needs people in their lives to SURVIVE but they just do not ‘like’ or ‘relate’ to people, so it is a hideous, demeaning, debasing, ANGRY, and abusive coexistence that we get conned and TRAPPED into.

Victims of Narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they have not made a mistake or misheard something. Their confidence becomes so low that they have trouble making simple decisions, questioning and re-questioning things. This is a direct result of the emotional and psychological abuse used by the Narcissist to erode their self-esteem as well as instill confusion and anxiety into the victim to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception, or judgment. This is skillfully guided by the Narcissist and it clouds reality with leading statements like “I never said that”, “You are crazy”, or “you are imagining things.” The Narcissist will even step up the game by reinforcing what they say by backing it up with statements from friends, co-workers, or relatives that supposedly agree and ARE genuinely concerned about the target/victim (and probably just more lies).

Gradually, the target/victim will NOT trust their own perceptions and doubt themselves completely. This more than often also induces depression and anxiety – two separate issues that will have to be dealt with as well as the ‘other’ consequences of this hideous abuse. The target/victim is totally broken and unable to trust their own perceptions in life (the ones we take for granted as just knowing what to do in life, etc.,) so they isolate themselves because life is just too confusing, and they fear it. The victim now doubts everything about themselves, their thoughts and opinions, their ideas, and ideals. Ask yourself here and now if you are experiencing this, maybe it is a feeling of hopelessness, fear, confusion, or just an abnormal sense of life, one where you feel very alone and without a real objective to change or fix this or moving forward. Targets/victims will become co-dependent on the abuser for their reality and the Narcissist loves this because that is their goal – TOTAL CONTROL of your thoughts and actions and they are at the steering wheel driving this abuse full forward. Who does this but a highly disordered human being with a dark agenda? Who could take, steal away, or destroy any portion of another person’s life for any reason yet alone the agenda of a highly disordered Narcissist that is basically driven by their own hate AND an extortionist as well that wants everything they can take from another human being?

No relationship ever ends in such a shroud of hate and destruction as one that ends with a Narcissist. They annihilate every aspect of the relationship, the person, their life, their family, their friends AND basically everything in a manner to completely disable you/us. Every action and word that comes from a Narcissist is a bizarre attack on your personal reality. It takes you from the goodness and normality that you have had all your life to a dark place where you now have feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness because EVERYTHING you do is wrong, and you are basically worthless. Even after separation from a Narcissist, the abuse lives on because like a poison it has entered into every cell in your body and in the case of a Narcissistic abuse the poison destroys the mind and reality of their target/victim!

OK – YOU CAN BEAT THIS! You have the ability to unlearn what the Narcissist has conditioned you into believing about yourself and purge the many negative message out of your mind. That old saying “A horse can be led to water, but they can’t be made to drink it” – well let’s change that a little bit and say, “A horse can be led to water and taste it, drink it and swallow it – BUT it can stop drinking it, walk completely away from it and not only find a better watering hole BUT greener pastures and other fully functioning horses.” You must do this so that you are not stuck in a fog of lies that will only guide your life in a negative and destructive direction. What the Narcissist has internalized in you can be EXTERNALIZED and thrown away. Move yourself away from any level of this abuse by knowing that you and only you can change and find normality and the reality of a better life. Say no to the Narcissist, say no to the messages in your head that say you are not worthy, SAY NO TO THE ABUSE. Those negative words and debasing actions are only a curse/spell that the Narcissist casts out on the world and it cannot stick if the Narcissist does not have you under his/her spell. Once you have the education that enables you to see the very truth about this abusive Narcissist, you can remove yourself and break the spell. You have the power to govern your own will and what you will do with your life. You must take all that power AWAY from the Narcissist and give it back to yourself. Yes of course no-contact – but when you have to have minimal contact use the truth to really see the abuser that harmed you that is standing in front of you and disengage in your mind from any thought, emotions, words or actions they send your way because they are like bullets from a gun and meant to harm! This is what starts you on your road to recovery acknowledging the truth that this was situational and administered from a personality disordered person. You are not to blame, you were conned into believing this person loved you, you trusted this person, believed in them, and gave them your love in return – BUT they were NEVER that person – they were a sadistic and abusive person that caused you great distress. Know this and NEVER allow yourself to accept their abuse again. Greg

Everyone to the Narcissist is really their competitor, opponent, and their enemy!

Everyone to the Narcissist is really their competitor, opponent, and their enemy! UNFORTUNATELY, nobody realizes that they are playing a game with the Narcissist and that is where the Narcissist gains the advantage or has the upper hand using extreme emotional and psychological manipulation and ABUSE! Remember they have basically invited (charmed or conned) us into their AMAZING life – unfortunately, that was a complete sham, and it was nothing even near amazing – it became a desperate connection for us and one that took us down an unhealthy path of dehumanizing and destructive experiences. We are basically utilitarian to aa Narcissist and groomed to be so.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist is playing this game for themselves so they can deflect you from seeing the reality or avoiding the truth about themselves – they DO NOT self-reflect, they self-DEFLECT. They do this with the expectation that they will not have to take responsibility for their behavior. Narcissists do not take responsibility for their own actions instead they deflect by blaming, shaming, projection, denial, etc. You will do what you have always done-forgive the Narcissist, make excuses for the Narcissist’s behavior, claim the Narcissist could not help themselves because of a bad day, or justifying their destructive behaviors through your empathy and love – AND -this is what they count on and why they put you through this horrendous manipulation!

You bend and bend until you almost snap in half when you try to give them the benefit of the doubt. It keeps you in a cycle that deflects away from their reality and distorts YOUR reality in turn – this puts the burden onto and into you and becomes your new normal. You never have an opportunity to be an individual, nor see how they are pulling the wool over your eyes. They are betraying every aspect of your life and you are too busy babysitting their every whim and trying to fix things once again. They know how to confound and confuse their targets/victims, as well as condition them through their little temper tantrums, managing you down, or punishing and silencing if you do not play exactly the way they want you to! You MUST stop wanting to play the ‘game’ with them and eventually they WILL run away to find a new playmate.

The Narcissist is a master of phony emotions and empathy with a phony façade and life to match. They appear to take you in, care about you, understand everything you are experiencing, and they appear to genuinely put themselves in your shoes to understand “YOU” with acceptance and unconditional love. They observe and react with that resounding smile, approval, and unconditional care and love. All of this causes you to let your guard down and honestly believe there is a genuine give-and-take in your relationship and a love that exists that is just for you. It is overwhelming to meet someone that is so much like you, so connected to your thoughts, and so reactive to meet your every need. BUT once they gain your trust, they will pounce on you. They wait until you are perfectly comfortable with them and your guard is completely down or even perhaps having a low moment in your life and now the time has come to manage you down and to control you to manage the business at hand or secure the supply they came for.

What would you do if you were completely void of love and empathy, how would you interact in the normal world – you would have to control people to trap them into your defective world so you could essentially take what you need that you cannot accomplish on your own? Narcissists perfectly execute an emotional and psychological attack on their victim because their purpose is to wear you down, to humiliate you, and make you feel small and inferior and dependent on them OR again control. A Narcissist is not going to allow you to have feelings for YOURSELF and they are going to make you believe you are selfish and wrong for wanting ANY attention. There is no such thing as YOUR needs or individuality, and they basically erase your personality bit by bit. They want what they want, and they have invested their time to mold you into a viable source of supply. Narcissists do not tolerate individuality because people are objects for them to use as they see fit. There is nothing more here than their agenda coming to fruition and you must understand that THIS IS ALL IT WAS. Predator after their prey using camouflage to hide the truth to trap you – or that façade and mask.

A Narcissist ALWAYS loves to make you feel that YOU are crazy, especially if you try to confront them, make them accountable, bring up past issues or behaviors, or expose them when they are doing something appalling or lying. Basically, YOU are told that you have an overactive imagination, you don’t know what you are talking about, they have NO idea what you are talking about, or that you are simply making things up to cause problems. They will tell you that it is obvious that YOU are the one who is crazy (and tell you that everyone around you agrees with them about you being crazy). FURTHERMORE, they will claim not to remember any of these events, even flatly deny that they ever happened, and will NEVER accept the possibility that they might have forgotten. Your perceptions of normalcy and reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your own intuition, memory, processing your thoughts, or reasoning, AND constantly confused. The Narcissist is a master at spinning everything and deflecting to remain in control!

The Narcissist will up the game to include destroying your soul, your ego, your accomplishments, and any belief system you must completely manage you do to feeling worthless. The way the game is played is for them to try to turn everything about you and everything you do, into a complete failure. The Narcissist has the reasoning of a child – but they act out like a controlling and demanding parent (more so toxic.) No matter what your real age, you are never allowed to reach a viable emotional age with them especially one that allows for your individuality or growth with them. You will always be treated like a stupid child, a bad child, a silly child, etc., and you will always be reprimanded and put in your place to honor them completely and NEVER question them! Consistent managing down is what all this amounts to!

Everything with a Narcissist is competitive and every life situation is a competition that requires “one-upmanship”, to beat their opponent. It always involves a “payoff” for the Narcissist that is ALWAYS about them getting something or extorting everything they can and devaluing and hurting you somehow too. They feel superior within their ability to con, control, and destroy. Again, their delusional world is like a battleground with them against us because everybody and everything is a threat – be it real or perceived. They keep track of real AND imaginary things you do, have done, or might do. It is a reactionary relationship with them BUT you are the one that always must explain your every word and action to them and made accountable when you are not serving their every whim and need!

Lastly what supports their lies is complete DENIAL. It is important to recognize that the Narcissist will never acknowledge that any games are being played AND the important point here is that it is up to YOU to stop playing. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to fix them, the situation or heal them! You will always be told you are wrong, they are right, and that you are in need of some serious help. You can’t get them to acknowledge or take responsibility for their words or actions because they will always say they didn’t do it or it never happened. They must or else face real accountability and retribution for their actions and then their gig would be up, so they deflect with more lies, more manipulation, and punishing, silencing and abusing you!

The point here is that what I described is a Narcissist and how they abuse. They are not fully functioning human beings. They do not connect on ANY level with human beings except to use them as supply. We can describe this as a superficial relationship, but it goes far beyond superficial because it is a toxic and destructive relationship that will completely drain you and disable you and your belief system. Your responsibility is to get your ‘ah ha’ moment and understand that they are the defective ones that emotionally and psychologically inflicted some deep wounds that have severely affected your psyche. BUT that is where you start on your road to recovery. There is another type of healing that involves your personal emotional wounds that the Narcissist sourced out and used against you. Healing involves you and only you closing all of those wounds permanently through your personal journey or recovery!

SO, remember whatever that Narcissist has said to you that has deeply hurt you or wounded you is NOT a real observation, it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you and define you. They were so supportive in the beginning, but that was also to gain your trust and the knowledge of your weaknesses to use against you. You open your heart along with all your wounds and gave them the opportunity to find any and all of your weaknesses AND they are looking for them. They DO NOT have the ability to understand pain, sorrow, being vulnerable or apply empathy – they only want access to your weaknesses to use them against you – CONTROL. This is what we must heal within us – those weaknesses that they have constantly pointed out because they are real and within us and now, they have made them come to the surface so much so that we lost trust in our own reality. They are master game players and used their keen perception to always be on top of their game. They took these weaknesses and embellished them to even make you think you were mentally ill and even fear yourself and your way of thinking. It is an extremely sick game that these Narcissists play, BUT it is a game that requires other players, and you must totally opt out of participating! They will attack you at any and every level they can, even making fun of you physically and they can be VERY cruel! You will ask why and how they can do this – well again because they have no empathy, no care, no connection, no bond, no morals, and no love for any other human being or they are personality disorder – that is your answer. Please internalize and KNOW this! No/minimal contact to start out on your journey to recovery! Greg

We can NEVER engage with their chaos and conflict because they are aimed directly at diminishing us and managing us down to SUPPORT their NEED for supply and abusive agenda to control!

We can NEVER engage with their chaos and conflict because they are aimed directly at diminishing us and managing us down to SUPPORT their NEED for supply and abusive agenda to control! Narcissists are masters of spin and diversionary tactics to drive their “conflicted reality” home through brute verbal force, fear, emotional dismissiveness, psychological games, and delusional reasoning. If you are involved with a Narcissist, you know these communication strategies firsthand.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

When you present the TRUTH and facts that contradict their beliefs, they bamboozle you by using off-topic tangents, changing the subject, calling you names, or creating an accusation AGAINST YOU to create CONFLICT and fear! It is NEVER about FACTS – but instead distorting FACTS to support their agenda. While you are still defending your original point and its validity, the Narcissist blows you off (because you are making sense/telling the truth) and distracts you by diverting to another chaos topic/situation that is completely out in left field. and then they condemn YOU with some off tangent nonsense. They are always judge, jury, and executioner. THIS is NOT a relationship with give and take – it is purely manipulation, subjugation, control, and abuse.  

Narcissists have absolutely no capacity for context or truth. Either you see things their way or you must be crushed into the ground – and believe me they think nothing of how they will crush a person into the ground. You cannot respectfully agree to disagree with them. Any criticism or difference of opinion is a challenge to their “authority, power, and control” and is seen as a threat and will be treated as such and you will be devalued, demeaned, debased, dehumanized, and destroyed – it is just that serious to them. BUT serious to them is not in any normal context – it is complete denial and avoidance all bundled up in all these tactics to be in control and exert power over us. Remember we are only an object to serve them so we must revere them as well OR ELSE!

The Narcissist employs loud and deliberate RAGING as another tactic when all else fails. The more wrong an emotionally and abusive Narcissist is the louder and/or more resolute they get with their attack. Their level of fake outrage, vindictiveness or emotional withdrawal is in direct proportion to how accurate you are. They will either talk over you, or shout at you, repeating the same simplistic, emotionally charged statements over and over until they drown out all reason, you pass out from the exhaustion of it all, or they give you the silent treatment until you submit and apologize for your “offense.” BUT THEY COMMITTED THE OFFENSE, and they are very adept at diverting from the truth with their pathological bullying so we better retreat and learn our lessons. My Narcissist employed this tactic every time they would find some anonymous sexual partner that I would find out about. First the incredulous story that I would shake my head at in total disbelief, then the extreme rage attack because I just did not believe this Narcissist, and then my morals were attacked if I was the guilty party.

LASTLY, let us remember that Narcissists are also very adept at shifting blame to all others for everything that is wrong and never consider how they contribute to and cause the issues as well as their own unhappiness. They just shift responsibility to make you seem bad and crazy in an effort to shame you into submission. They will punish you for their own offenses as well – that is what we are “employed for” by the Narcissist because THEY need to project onto us. We are here to serve them, save them, take care of their every need, change their diapers, accept all of their faults as if they are our own, allow them to betray us and accept it as well as be blamed for it, we must allow them to extort everything they can from us, and we are not allowed to view any of this as anything but a privilege to be in their company – AND they never give anything in return. If we follow all these rules, we are allowed to be their friend, their beloved family, or love them but we must also pay the price for this wonderful relationship by being stripped of our individuality, integrity, self-esteem and driven to insanity from their delusional abuse.

At heart, a Narcissist is a terroristic bully who will try to steamroll anyone who disagrees with them or when they DON’T get their way. It is not just about controlling THEIR reality, but controlling everyone else’s reality, too. When you allow a Narcissist to determine reality, it would be like letting one of the inmates control/run the asylum. There is only ONE way with a Narcissist and that is discarding them from our life with no/minimal contact. Greg

The Narcissist’s MASTER PLAN — Divert, divide, conquer, isolate, and CONTROL! The very basics to ABUSE their intended target.

The Narcissist’s MASTER PLAN — Divert, divide, conquer, isolate, and CONTROL! The very basics to ABUSE their intended target.

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! 

The Narcissist is basically grooming others WITH a deceptive agenda – divert, divide, conquer and control. In a normal relationship, people go out of their way to prove that they are trustworthy, but a Narcissist does exactly the opposite. They are constantly throwing subtle hints out there that make you and keep you feeling insecure. Perhaps they may be pursuing other people, other options, or spending their time with other people, so that you can never really settle down or feel secure or have any sense of a real connection with them. Mine sure did! They want to keep you on the edge of confusion and chaos constantly. They will always compound this manipulative ploy by denying it if you should bring it up in a conversation, calling you jealous, possessive, ALWAYS starting a fight, or even crazy. The Narcissist works everything they do into every possible vantage point (or spin) to control and manage you down. Where you started off and became accustomed to such a high level of charm and flattering attention – after they first lured you in with the extreme charm and love bombing – NOW feels very personal and unnerving because they are directing that attention elsewhere and they know what they are doing – devaluing you and controlling you through managing you down.

They have a methodology to put all of this into place, so some examples. They will perhaps totally cancel plans with you or spend a day with a ‘good’ friend AND perhaps the very one that supposedly complains about or dislikes YOU, or a friend you have never even heard mentioned before. They will ignore you perhaps saying they are spending more time with their family or close friends, and again they have probably told you that they were all horrible people and troublemakers in the first place but now they want to spend time with them – those mixed messages that confuse! They will keep you waiting until the last minute as far as it concerns finalizing plans and perhaps cancel at the last moment. They are never clear about plans perhaps suggesting something and then never mentioning it again. They will say they are going out to dinner with work friends out of the blue and it just does not seem to make sense! They will seek the sympathy of an ex when there is a problem or tragedy in their personal life, and then explain that they just have such a “special bond or friendship” that you would not or couldn’t understand. More than often that ex is someone they first claimed was crazy, a problem, abusive and unstable. Remember everything is all concocted garbage to manage you down and to make you feel detached as if you are not worthy, important or their first ‘go to person.’ In my situation most of these themes were used repeatedly but in reality ‘my Narcissist’ was never with whomever ‘my Narcissist’ said they were with. You can use your imagination to figure out the rest.

When you are going through this it is never apparent because so much abuse is circling around all your conscious thoughts that you never have the time to think anything through with any sense of reality or realizing the real truth that what they say is just more of their ‘crazy making!’ You never truly get through one level without other levels piling up on top of each other. The Narcissist is basically pitting YOU against a false situation AND people to make you feel that you just do not meet up with the Narcissist’s expectations or what they expect of you. It is the process of managing what you do or have done down through the Narcissist’s incredulous and fake stories to make everything and everybody seem so much better than you OR anything they do better than what YOU do. Think about this and then ask yourself this very important question — is any type of relationship a competition? Then ask yourself why you felt you had to try harder and harder.

So, what it boils down to is that this is just an attention seeking tactic that the Narcissist procures by managing us down to make us feel that we are not worthy enough by constantly comparing us to other people to make us feel that they are better and worthier than us. You in turn feel that the Narcissist should be embracing your unconditional acts of love or caring AND seeking comfort in you as they did in the beginning – this is how normal people relate in a normal relationship. You have always helped and healed them in the past, and been there for them, so what is up or what is different now? They once proclaimed their unending love as well as claimed that you were the reason, they were so happy. But now, they turn to friendships or past relationships instead of you, and they embellish the situation with subtle hints to make you feel that YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. This is also part of the devaluation phase for sure and you wonder if perhaps you are jealous, or you SHOULD do better – and there you have it!

Let’s take it a little further and look at technology. We now live in an era where technology makes it so much easier for Narcissists to manipulate and triangulate on social media sites that we all seem to use. It can be as simple as the Narcissist liking a comment from a complete stranger, old friend, or an ex, while ignoring ones from you. They will upload photos where they are with an ex, family, or anybody they claimed to dislike or hate before. Everything APPEARS to be unintentional, and you attribute it to the Narcissist’s insensitivity toward YOU but make no mistake – it is carefully calculated and placed there with an agenda in mind. They are always looking for supply by seducing anyone and everybody into their game as well as being braggarts and using media as a form of Narcissistic public relations.

They will strategically post ambiguous statuses that suggest you might be “losing” them. They will share things that are intentionally meant to lure in new and old targets by keeping their status as single. For example, the Narcissist may have an ongoing conversation with someone that is a stranger to you and more than likely a possibility for a new source of supply for the Narcissist. This does many things to the target/victim by first leaving them feeling confused, anxious, isolated and YES probably jealous – BUT it also makes, and this new person (or potential new supply) NOW feel confident, loved, and special. That Narcissist is looking for and grooming others as they erode your identity and essentially killing two birds with one stone. They are putting themselves out there for whatever may come their way (as they always do in reality – but now you can see it in writing)! They are very subtle, strategic, and efficient with their agenda ALWAYS. They seriously bump this up after the discard to really disable you to feel completely worthless, as well as rub their new and amazing life in your face – just a little more abuse to already add to the devastation. Nobody with any integrity or empathy would make someone that loved them, and they supposedly loved back ever feel this way. A Narcissist seriously gets off on this. You must wonder just how the new supply does not see through this, but they do not (in time they will experience it too.) Narcissists are masters at controlling people and spinning situations.

It is just simply described as bait and switch! They want you to confront them about these things, because they are MADE to seem minor in nature BUT by you mentioning something it will make you appear crazy and jealous just for bringing it up. They will calmly provide that ‘excuse’ for everything and then blame you in a manner to make you seem obsessed, jealous, etc. It is basically impossible to prove because it is always strategically placed and ambiguous. You cannot prove that they are luring in new supply with some sort of personal connection, but you know it – and THAT is called your intuition. This is the icing on the cake or how they finalize their crazy making. Think about mentioning or complaining about a social site status or comments that the Narcissist makes, and it does seem immature to ask, and that is exactly how they want you to feel, and that is how they strategize and trap you. Seriously there are no secrets or surprises when you love another person in a normal relationship. Intuition is always a strong indication and something I believe we have all ignored in favor of trying to fix the relationship or make things right! Hindsight is always 20/20 as they say and looking back at all of this it is so much clearer to me personally – but when your mind and heart are enmeshed with the manipulation, chaos, crazy making and everything else it is too confusing, and it overwhelms you at too many levels to think clearly as you can when you are away from the situation.

You will try to give them more positive reinforcement in response to the managing down, but it will NEVER be enough. The Narcissist WILL eventually get bored with you BECAUSE they cannot form healthy human bonds. There will always be a current entourage of new supply and fans that will always be there spoiling and admiring them, making you believe that the Narcissists really is a great person. Think of it ONLY as the Narcissist’s public relations plan, always recruiting and using any opportunity for new supply!

But take a careful look at your own thoughts because most of these fans and minions are just a fleeting fantasy that the Narcissist capitalizes on and most do not have that strong personal connection, or they were just a sexual conquest that hangs around. All that praise on the social sites is just carefully placed because the Narcissist is networking for future support or supply. Social networking sites are an extension of the fake mask they wear in public. Many of those pictures are just selfies to support their stories and lies and more than likely the person in these pictures with them may be wise about how disordered this Narcissist, and it was just a photo opportunity that the Narcissist took advantage of to say, ‘look at me, I am just that special!’

In the end we MUST internalize the truth even as hard as it is to do so. The sad reality is that this becomes clear once you are well on your way to recovery, so be patient because it is a process. If we would have understood this in the beginning, we would not have suffered through the abuse. BUT real information is necessary to move forward so you become clear, and CAN recover. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

After the discard you are dealing with so many corrupt messages meant to only abuse AND control you more and more into a submissive and silent role. It is done to basically silence you by making OR pointing you out to be the ‘crazy one’ or the troublemaker so the Narcissist avoids exposure. Very much of the destruction that the Narcissist inflicts on us is ALWAYS done well in advance before we are aware of their real motives during the discard phase, and they just embellish it a bit more by puling us into more chaos. They will keep pulling you into this crazy making for one reason – to use as more proof that you are only obsessed and crazy by turning it all around. My Narcissist kept it up for a year after I decided I was done. Begging me, pleading with me, to stay, etc., and then turning it around if it was me doing the begging and pleading and I was scorned or obsessed. Again, just a trick to make you believe in them once more – but that Narcissist is gathering proof while you are believing their sincerity and they will use it against you. Even when there is absolute proof staring them in the face they will still lie and deny! I had the clarity to establish ‘no contact’ and THEN and only then was I able to accept all the distorted truths that I met up with a real-life monster! Do not stay stuck to this monster because you will only remain a puppet to their disordered and abusive agenda and running in circles. No/minimal contact to live and love again. Greg

WHY do Narcissists always play the victim when THEY are clearly the problem, the provoker, the chaotic person, and the ABUSER? Because it is just another mask/façade they wear to make their many DECEPTIVE agendas and lies work! They hide behind sympathy to cover up how THEY have abused another person – and use it as an opportunity to BLAME and create a smear campaign against the very person they abused!

WHY do Narcissists always play the victim when THEY are clearly the problem, the provoker, the chaotic person, and the ABUSER? Because it is just another mask/façade they wear to make their many DECEPTIVE agendas and lies work! They hide behind sympathy to cover up how THEY have abused another person – and use it as an opportunity to BLAME and create a smear campaign against the very person they abused! They also LOVE to play on and USE the sympathies of others for gain and while they are doing that, they are also able to pull a ‘supporter or minion’ into the mix to help them condemn a past victim or destroying the reputation of someone they want to attack. Actualizing the truth empowers us and takes their power away. Remember that they have compartmentalized MANY sources of supply and have charmed them into their roles as they did to us to achieve every possible agenda.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

A Narcissist is COMPLETELY calculating in every area of life to CONTROL people and their environment. They refuse ANY connection or obedience to the basic requirements of life or the natural moral laws as they apply to life and human rights – and they void all of that with BLAME and playing the VICTIM. Obedience to a Narcissist implies that there is something larger or better than what they are, and they will never comply because it would define them as being weak to allow anyone to feel significant enough to be their equal or better. It is almost like the Narcissist completely relates everything in life to a measurement – but this measurement begins with them – or as the saying goes, the sun rises and sets on a Narcissist because they feel they are above all life.

The Narcissist creates the terms of how THEY measure life – so if they were a “tape measure or a ruler”, they would determine the dynamics of each and every measurement OR define every inch of every foot – and you can believe that it would not be consistent as it is SUPPOSED to be. The Narcissist must be ‘that’ which measures (and judges) and NEVER that WHICH IS MEASURED and NEVER judged. Literally they “coin” the phrase “give them an inch and they will take a mile.” Well, that and anything they can get their tentacles around. Along with this remember that they will ALWAYS move the goalposts – especially to keep our emotions tangled up trying to please them. THEN when it is time for them to move on because they found something new – they will kick those goalposts so far away and out of reach by making you and I out to be the abuser. That is their way of saying goodbye as well as a way of protecting themselves from being exposed as the real abuser. Victimization gives them just another path to avoid facing their past if questioned and just their lack of empathy. NO, they do not care if they destroy you or I as long as they are not outed. Remember too that sympathy is also another form of supply to them too.

A Narcissist is calculating for the sake of procuring power! Power allows them the control over others that they need to function and survive in our world. It also protects them from exposure and facing the truth of their own disordered and abusive lifestyle. This false mask hides AND protects the Narcissist from having to face themselves off in the mirror and see the reality of WHAT THEY ARE – a modern day ‘DENIAL’ monster that is destructive and abuses life and people. They most assuredly destroy a target that catches on to them, plus they already have the replacement waiting in the wings to pick up the whole process where they left it off with us, stealing ‘supply’ and sucking the very life out of the new target. No fuss, no muss, and never emotions or love just a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist has a new host ready and waiting – seriously this is the truth.

Their entire life is built upon this premise to find “supply” to shore up their façade and they will employ the most devious means at their disposal to get it. So, this chameleon like Narcissist has many colors that help them adapt to every situation that exists that include every gambit of life – from like, love, dislike, hate, destruction, and victimization – and this is all very functional to them as well as mechanical to them and their lifestyle to GET WHAT THEY WANT. The key thing here is that they are abusive and psychologically damaging to people because they loathe people and life and create personal battles to make us pay for their hate.

Nevertheless, our first experiences with the Narcissist have allowed us to believe in a prince/princess ‘charming’ who have done great things in our lives like “loving us” so we hold on to/keep the faith, and live with this Narcissist’s amazing BUT fake integrity. It is our empathy, love and basic trust that are targeted. The Narcissist has bamboozled us through this wondrous and seemingly normal façade that IMITATES extreme goodness as well as fake virtues that we hold in good faith BUT really with little or no real accountability and that was a BIG OOPS. SO, there within the problem LIES – the Narcissist is so very adept at circumventing the intellect and manipulating man/womankind by their craft or better yet craftiness that they have perfected all of their life, so they target us where it counts – OUR EMOTIONS, TRUST, and LOVE!

Because Narcissists have depleted or deleted their character so profoundly through choices contrary to the norms of reason or basic DENIAL, they will even begin to see themselves as what they project, mirror, and bounce off us. If you are not governed by any natural or moral laws, but by the law of “whatever you want to be to get whatever you want” well then you hold great power, but you need to CONTROL the world to achieve this superiority, so the narcissist is fundamentally a dictator in all of their relationships because this is what they want to be – it is always about controlling their victim and using whatever they can to get there. In the end they will ALWAYS play the victim card to throw blame back onto us.

That CHARMING person that swept you off your feet and became the HARMING person in your life will always become increasingly more and more transparent and shoe that VAST array of fake personalities. From beginning to end, this was a phony relationship that only offered you a toxic dose of fake care, love, and real abuse. The Narcissist created a psychopathic bond through deception and manipulation – LIES, LIES, LIES – and we were seduced by them and maintained this relationship through self-sacrifice and denial. It is not what we wanted it was what we were led to do because of the vast arsenal of tools a Narcissist used/uses to psychologically seduce a target/victim. No/minimal contact so that you can return to a healthy life. Greg

With this abuse, we must TRY to understand what we as ‘normal’ people find so hard to comprehend to move on and up to a higher level of recovery. In other words, we must accept that they are what they are, they will NOT ever change – then move forward with this NEW clarity and truth, do some damage control, seek good solutions, and return to the healthy life we deserve!

With this abuse, we must TRY to understand what we as ‘normal’ people find so hard to comprehend to move on and up to a higher level of recovery. In other words, we must accept that they are what they are, they will NOT ever change – then move forward with this NEW clarity and truth, do some damage control, seek good solutions, and return to the healthy life we deserve!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

What I am going to try to do here is to explain why the educational process is extremely important to recovery. I am not using the word education in a manner that only describes the Narcissist or abuse and “there you have it!’ Instead, I am trying to emphasize the importance of education being vital to desensitizing the abuse messages that play in your mind, as well as defining the manner that a Narcissist drives this abuse straight into your heart, soul, mind and world.

Targets/victims get so lost in the day to day managing down that they fail to see just how effective the Narcissist is at distorting their reality (the manipulation.) You are never having a REAL conversation with a REAL person. This is the essence of ABUSE and how we become desensitized, and our reality distorted. Everything a Narcissist says (and does) has NOTHING to do with a normal ‘back and forth’ conversation between two normal people! You (target/victim) are COMMUNICATING and believing that the Narcissist is reciprocating, but they are observing and scheming from your words and actions AND using what they know about you AGAINST YOU. They are drawing information from you in a manner to know your strengths and weaknesses and again, how to use those against you. They may reply in what seems like a normal manner but they are actually interrogating you to draw out what they can and then they distort what they can, so you never have a cohesive conversation with them. When they start to devalue you, they will draw upon what they have learned about you – embellish it, PERSONALIZE it, and then use it against you – that is what can make it feel so personal and real to us. They will also do the same with the very things you like/love – and of course use that to keep you hanging on and believing in them. Everything is just a tool for them to carry out their agenda.

You will always find yourself WONDERING about something or other. The result is that they have you where they want you – trapped in your own mind and heart. Along with that they employ so many techniques to confuse you, or make you question what you said, or basically always feeling like you must explain yourself and perform for their approval. That is how they gain the upper hand! Beyond the CHARM or love bombing which was just another grand scheme to emotionally manipulate you into the abuse with words and actions, the remainder of the relationship will consume you with always feeling the need to defend yourself. There is no such thing as individuality with a Narcissist and they are not going to allow you to have needs or be anything but what they want you to be. The KEY point here is that the love you FEEL (conned into) connects you to a Narcissist as well as blinds you to the abuse because they dangle that love in front of you and make you basically beg to have it back. That is purely behavioral modification using withholding techniques to change you to accept their disordered abuse! Remember that they are employing their disguise to con everyone around them to get what they want, but the primary 24/7 supply suffers the most from this abuse. They have other sources of supply on the side to feed their out-of-control lifestyle, and minions that sing their praises. How sad and destructive for the primary 24/7 target/victim to believe that what they have with a Narcissist is LOVE when it is nothing more than a place for the Narcissist to have constant supply as well as a refuge to hide the truth of just how perverted they are.

The dynamics of a relationship with them is built solely on the premise that you are a PERFORMANCE object to this distorted creature for as long as they want you to be OR until they have extorted everything, they can from you, OR you uncover the truth about them. Unfortunately, you are coming from what you believe is a real relationship with them, so you are blinded to the day-to-day subtle manipulation and abuse. Love, commitment, and growth are your goals, but slowly but surely your emotions and thoughts are eroded away until you lose the person you were for so many years. The Narcissist does not ever stop the abuse because they need to devalue and discard you and they manipulate you into temporary insanity. They push and push you so that you react in ways that MAKE you out to be the ‘crazy one’ and then they use that against you. This is what they are and what they do. There is absolutely NOTHING you could have done to change any of this. This is a predator with an agenda to secure its prey, feed off it, devalue it, destroy it, and then move on to new hunting grounds to find another person to prey on. BUT they are so good at this game that few see through them until it is too late! Add to the fact that a Narcissist will destroy each of their targets/victim’s integrity to cover their tracks by using the insanity they forced you into AGAINST you. The world is none the wiser to these criminals. Try explaining your incredulous experience and you have sealed your faith as being the ‘crazy one’ just like the Narcissist has described you to everyone and BEHIND your back. The Narcissist has everything covered as far as the abuse is concerned.

Targets/victims that are abused must understand that the abuse does not have anything to do with them and the actions of the Narcissist are not their fault. What you are feeling and reacting to is the many years of the brainwashing or manipulation (same thing.) You are NOT this person but instead a brainwashed individual that has had your dignity striped away from you by a highly disordered and destructive abuser. This is one of the hardest things to realize that there is absolutely nothing you could have done that would have any influence on changing this creature. Targets/victims of emotional/psychological abuse often think otherwise hoping they can fix things and only end up in this vortex of blaming themselves as being the defective one as well as the reason for the failing state of the relationship. Again, this is the Narcissist doing what they do so well, confusing you and using mind control to make you accept their disordered agenda. It is the only way these creatures could function in our world and that is through lies and manipulation, otherwise they would be in jail for what they really are.

Just some reality and the truth! With a Narcissist you will give until you are emotionally, spiritually, and physically bankrupt and receive little or nothing in return AND you will lose yourself completely. Just take a hard look at yourself today and then compare that with your state of being when you first met your narcissistic partner. You are more than likely psychologically and emotionally worse off and feeling totally numb and a different person. Narcissists are thieves and once they have taken all you have to give, you are history, and they discard you and move on to new and plentiful supply.

PLEASE, please internalize that they waged a psychological war that had an agenda with you from day one! Narcissists are amoral and you CAN’T engage with them in any moral or conscience-based issues and expect to achieve anything or better yet win. They DON’T love, bond, care, friend, or even relate to people — they abuse and extort. Narcissists have absolutely no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. They abide by no rules or laws. They are not REAL! There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their thoughtless and CRUEL approach to other people, especially yourself. They feel COMPLETELY entitled in this world. If you are looking for revenge, then you will never achieve any satisfaction in that arena either. They do not connect to your thoughts or words as they concern any opinion that you may have about them, nor do they care. You are an object and supply, and it begins and ends there!

ONCE you get to your ‘ah ha’ moment with them – go no/minimal contact and stay as far away from them as physically possible. Add to this that you must also train yourself to distance yourself as far away EMOTIONALLY as possible too! SERIOUSLY know that they never loved you nor could they love you because they are void of empathy and emotions! This means that you DON’T trespass in their abode or hunting grounds, and do not peek at their online social sites. Also do not ever get into conversations, phone calls or texts thinking that they are missing you and softening in their approach to you, they are only gaining information to use against you. Remember they were very adept at abusing you and putting you in the place of despair that you are presently in. You have put your best foot forward or probably both feet and every other thing you could put forward to end up where you are now. They do not change overnight or EVER for that matter. Remember that you cannot fight and expect to win on their turf because it is disordered, delusional and abusive. That is not what you or I are about, nor will we ever be able to wrap our heads around a Narcissist’s dark and destructive lifestyle – it would be like walking through a dark maze with a one lit match. We are people of empathy, integrity, respectful, and loving – and we must embrace this and protect ourselves by moving on and away from them. The truth ALWAYS comes out in the end! No/minimal contact. Greg

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