A Narcissist wants you to constantly DOUBT your memory and even your sanity!

A Narcissist wants you to constantly DOUBT your memory and even your sanity! SO, they will ACCUSE you of overreacting, misunderstanding, or having ISSUES. That is purely manipulation and deflection from the abusive Narcissist to avoid accountability and to look innocent AND to make YOU look like the problem! It is ALWAYS your fault!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist uses many malicious forms of emotional and psychological abuse that are always self-serving, manipulative and meant to control the target/victim. I want to talk in depth about one far reaching method; “gas-lighting” because it is one of the more damaging tools that debases the target/victim and encompasses so many levels of this abuse. It will also outline the Narcissists technique and how they adapt their technique to us personally.

Gas-lighting is a term that is derived from an old black and white movie where a character makes their spouse believe they were going crazy or insane through devious acts and denial that these situations were happening. After the murder of the victim’s famous opera-singing aunt, she is sent to study and become a great opera singer as well. While there, she falls in love with a very CHARMING older man. The two return to reside in the home of the victim’s aunt, and the victim begins to notice strange things happening — missing pictures, strange footsteps in the night, and the home’s gaslights dimming without being touched. He psychologically begins to torture the victim through these acts, and she has a nervous breakdown and has insecurity and memory problems. She fights to retain her sanity while her new husband’s intentions come into question as he denies that ANY of these situations were real but all part of her having issues around her own mental health. The victim’s aunt was murdered by the victim’s new husband over valuable jewelry that was still hidden in the house that he wanted to retrieve so he needed CON the victim into this relationship to get at these jewels and have her silenced and put away to avoid exposure that HE was the murderer that returned to collect the jewels. Thus, the term gas-lighting originated!

The Narcissist LOVES to use gas-lighting to make their target/victim believe and seem to be crazy or insane. They may deny things they have said and done and accuse you of the same to make you believe that you are forgetful, or delusional. They may hide things like your car keys, your phone, etc., and tell you how forgetful you are. They will also twist a grain of truth about most any personal situation and turn it inside out or into a huge distortion until you seriously doubt your own sanity and look like the crazy person when you try to defend yourself. For instance, they will accuse you of drinking too much when you possibly have a glass of wine with dinner, but they exaggerate and embellish the situation as if you NEED that wine or forget that you had 3 or 4 glasses when there is no truth to their exaggerations. Along the same lines, if you do not get along with someone, the Narcissist will say, “I get along with him/her just fine.” The Narcissist will have nothing but praise for that person. Likewise, if you have gotten bad service at a restaurant, the Narcissist will say, “They gave me excellent service.” The Narcissist praises the other or responds with the opposite because it first diminishes YOU as well as reflects badly on you and well on them. Lastly, they will say that other friends or people have CONCERNS about you and have commented on various occasions as well. NONE of which is true.

With “gas-lighting”, the Narcissist will emphatically call into question the MIND of their target/victim by manipulating the memory, thoughts, and ideas of the target/victim. The Narcissist will now employ whatever method necessary to control these thoughts in a manner to CONSISTENTLY confound, confuse and debase the target/victim, to cover lies, affairs or accountability, or make them think they are experiencing memory loss, or have mental issues that are of great concern to the target/victim’s well-being. The Narcissist will even “recycle” these old issues over and over again to further use at a later date to reinforce the target/victim’s ineptness as a “countering” point AND drive it home even DEEPER in a continued effort to damage the target/victim’s psyche. This technique is extremely destructive to the victim because it diminishes their spirit and distorts their normal functioning — and exactly what their abuser wants – control. No/minimal contact to end this cycle of abuse and to return to a healthy lifestyle. Greg

Try as you may or have – nothing could have ever been right in this relationship with a Narcissist because there never was a relationship there to begin with.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists are a vast and empty void. They cannot sit down and experience a normal or real moment, a memory, or a connection to real happiness within themselves or reflect about their life because there is nothing there to reflect upon, only envy of a real life and people AND what they can’t achieve. Their inner world is angry, dark and lacks complete empathy. They don’t have any internal mechanisms to bond, love or care about anybody so instead they focus on AND feed their eternal neediness and pathological nature through extreme manipulation to fill that void with external stimuli OR those fleeting moments of Narcissistic elation. They seriously are like a three-year-old that has many toys all around them, playing with one or the other without a care, always wanting a different or a new one, and throwing a tantrum if they can’t have what they want, but even when they get what they THINK they want they are never completely happy with just one toy!

One of the most obvious signs of a malignant Narcissist is the way they constantly malign others. They are also constantly embellishing, remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, one-upping, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider in every relationship that love should never hurt a person nor take them down a road of destruction like it does with a Narcissist or abuse. Ultimately love can make us sad when we lose a loved one but that is the reality of unconditional love when someone near to us is suffering, or we lose them completely, that is more or less grieving a REAL connection between two normally functioning people. Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist is emotional and psychological abuse MEANT to intentionally harm and damage a target/victim that the Narcissist has chosen as their prey, and it by no means is anything near a conventional and loving relationship. Real love grows and doesn’t diminish another person’s spirit. Always remember that the love that you felt for this person was as much a part of the psychological abuse (love bombing) as was the devaluation stage. These were the tools of the Narcissists trade like the brainwashing, extreme manipulation, gas-lighting, pathological lying, hideous betrayal, many sexual partners, etc., or the cycle of abuse with a Malignant Narcissist. This TRUTH is what will set you free and able to start on your road to recovery!

Narcissists manipulate in a manner to control their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything – this is chaos and crazy making meant to confound and divert their target’s normal thoughts. This can be very evident at times, because it is a downright shocking and we have all been there shaking our heads in total disbelief at what they have said, done to us, or acted on. It can also be the very subtle day to day things or the many small manipulative and dehumanizing actions that disassemble the target/victim’s well-being slowly and methodically. BUT it is so perplexing that people disbelieve their very ears and more than often we dismiss it and justify it by thinking it is anger, a bad day, insecurity, jealousy, or they have some wrong information about us – BUT it is constant and consistent behavior meant to debase us. Unfortunately, we spend our time trying to fix the situation, make it better, and avoiding the truth that this is just one of their tools in their vast arsenal of control and ultimately ABUSE. Little by little this behavior erodes the target/victim’s self-worth and creates an almost obsessive situation where the target/victim is constantly trying to avoid the conflict, keeping things peaceful, and walking on eggshells. There is never the opportunity for a “healthy self” in this relationship and you become a casualty of the constant psychological terrorism or abuse – essentially you become a shell of a person.

You can’t have reality in a situation where there is none, especially a situation that is constantly embellished with toxic and chaotic behavior that constantly pushes your buttons, plays with your emotions and takes you down to your lowest level. The Narcissist will ultimately step up their game of their abuse with betrayal, perhaps sexual indiscretions, pathological lies, gas-lighting, etc., but again this starts out as a slow and very ambiguous abuse. Unfortunately, it disables the target/victims capacity to function normally within the relationship and then it is too late because the target/victim is somewhere between that emotional connection (love) and the vast confusion caused by the debasing and dehumanizing psychological warfare and blaming themselves, trying to fix the situation, looking for relief, feeling fearful, hurt, depressed, anxious, etc., etc.

Targets/victims are unaware that they have been living in what can only be compared to as an active battle zone. Most are unaware what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is or that it is a highly effective and debilitating abuse from a predator. Victims of Narcissistic abuse will over time display strong symptoms of trauma, avoidance behavior, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or eating difficulties, irritability, hyper-vigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness, physical illness, self-harming, and even thoughts of suicide. Targets/victims express deep seeded feelings of worthlessness, humiliation, shame, and self-blame. They have been conditioned to take responsibility for the Narcissist’s despicable behavior because they are constantly told they are the source of every problem and everything is their fault but they want to support, defend, and love the Narcissist despite what they have gone through. It almost becomes an addiction because abuse creates a toxic and unhealthy environment which in turn creates an unhealthy mind for the target/victim. The psychological abuse creates this unhealthy pattern of pleasing the Narcissist or ‘walking on eggshells. Basically, the target/victim becomes totally dependent on the Narcissist or what may seem like being addicted to them. The reason behind this is that the silent threat of abuse is always present with the debasing and dehumanizing and it is just too painful for the target/victim AND an automatic coping mechanism against overwhelming stress. The Narcissist has conditioned the victim to always feel disconnected.

In turn we avoid the pain because it is so deeply engrained in us and that it is all a target/victim knows from the daily emotional abuse, so like the addict we look for relief from ANY fix or the hope that things could turn back to the way they were or back to that cohesive relationship – unfortunately it never will. That love we believed in was just a huge con job that we believed was real, and the Narcissist focused on making us believe as if they were a real participant in the relationship – just want con artists do. Unfortunately, the Narcissist used a strong emotion (love) to gain our trust and gain entry into our heart, mind, and life.

This abuse is NOT limited to ‘love’ relationships only. Narcissists can be family members like a mother/father, brother/sister, boss/co-worker, friend/relative or anyone for that matter. Targets/victims are often victimized by more than one person as well because they have only learned or known this dehumanizing abuse for a very long period or all their lives especially if they are a child of a Narcissistic parent. They internalize an abusive message that there is something is wrong with them and that they deserve this kind of abuse, and then resign themselves to their fate and sometimes all throughout their lives. Targets/victims may not reach their potential in their personal or professional lives because they always must stand in that dark and ominous shadow of their abuser(s) – and that is all they have ever known in the case of Narcissistic parents. They learn to live in the shadows without knowing why – and that why was born out of the debasing control from abuse at the hands of a Narcissist.

Victims of Narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake, misheard something, or done something wrong. Their confidence becomes so low that they have trouble making simple decisions, questioning and re-questioning things to make sure they get it right. This is a result from the emotional and psychological abuse used by Narcissists to erode their self-esteem, instill confusion and anxiety in their victim to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment – basically they have no self-worth. Gradually, the target/victim will NOT trust their own perceptions and doubt themselves completely. This more than often also induces depression and anxiety – two separate issues that will have to be dealt with as well as the ‘other’ consequences of this hideous abuse.

The target/victim is totally broken and unable to trust their own perceptions in life (the ones we take for granted as just knowing what to do in life, etc.,) so they isolate themselves because life is just too confusing, and they fear it. The victim now doubts most everything about themselves, their thoughts and opinions, their actions, their ideas and ideals. Ask yourself here and now if you are experiencing this, maybe it is a feeling of hopelessness, fear, confusion, or just an abnormal sense of life, one where you feel very alone and without a real objective to change or fix this situation by moving on – or feeling stuck in life. Targets/victims will become co-dependent on the abuser for their reality and the Narcissist loves this because that is their goal – TOTAL CONTROL of your thoughts and actions and they are at the steering wheel driving this abuse full forward. Who does this but a highly disordered human being with a dark agenda? Who could take, steal away or destroy any portion of another person’s life for any reason yet alone the agenda of a highly disordered Narcissist that is basically driven by their own envy, hate AND an extortionist as well that wants everything they can take from another human being and life?

No relationship ever ends in such a shroud of hate and destruction as one that ends with a Narcissist. They annihilate every aspect of the relationship, the person, their life, their family, their friends AND basically everything in a manner to completely disable you/us. Every action and word that comes from a Narcissist is a bizarre and sadistic attack on your personal reality. It takes you from the goodness and normality that you have had all your life to a dark place where you now have feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness because EVERYTHING you do is wrong, and you are basically worthless. Even after separation from a Narcissist, the abuse lives on because like a poison it has entered every cell in your body and in the case of a Narcissistic abuse the poison destroys the mind and reality of their target/victim! This is the truth we must know and accept so we can dispel all the blame and shame from being in this relationship and from there we can move forward to recovery. YES, we must get this and move on without reliving it over and over again. Remember this was NOT your fault, nor are you worthless, a bad person, mentally ill, obsessed, scorned or any of that garbage – YOU are a good an amazing person that was emotionally and psychologically abused and it is time to move on and back to a healthy and real life! No/minimal contact! Greg

Narcissist – the great manipulator, the great liar, the great betrayer, the great scam artist, and the greatest destroyer of a person’s precious emotional and psychological well-being!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists ALWAYS tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions. In turn they will accuse and blame others to divert attention away from themselves and the truth. A Narcissist will refuse to accept the perspective of any human being, but they will irrationally defend their own distorted/delusional position and lies as well as force you into accepting them as reality and the end result is that you discard or dump YOUR normal and healthy reality. Narcissists always make people feel that they MUST please them.

They cunningly access and withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing because it gives them the ability to control and manipulate future events. A Narcissist will slowly but surely erode their target/victim’s reality, self-esteem and spirit! Narcissists completely avoid and NEVER acknowledge the feelings of others, yet they will often bring up how their emotions are being affected and how WE don’t respect or honor their needs. They are eternal victims and NOTHING you do is worthy of meeting their needs. “We JUST don’t love them enough,” OR SO THEY TELL US!

They will slight a target/victim or perhaps make them accept digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the Narcissist to say they were just kidding while still being abusive and hurting the target/victim.

Narcissists will completely change the subject to divert attention back onto themselves. You could be talking to them about a serious matter, and it will be dismissed in moments, so the Narcissist has all the attention right back where they feel it belongs – ON THEM. Or they will BULLY you with shouting, dismiss you, and walk away. You never feel that anything about you is important enough for consideration by the Narcissist and you are right!

Narcissists make others feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the miserable level of the Narcissist. They always threaten or hint of some form of punishment that they will inflict if YOU don’t do exactly what they are asking or accept what they are saying. THEN of course they will reinforce this with blame as if you did something that deserves their actions and disdain. They will dismiss you completely and silence you. YOU CAN NEVER MEET ANY OF THEIR EXPECTATIONS!

They will be cold, quiet, and distant, then deny that anything is wrong, but it feels as if they ARE angry. But you can’t access what it is, so you will have no sense of what is going on to help you feel at ease with them. On the flip side there will be inappropriate emotional outbursts to also distract attention, confusing their targets/victims and shifting blame for something you AGAIN have no real sense of. You are ALWAYS left feeling like you are walking on those infamous eggshells with them or always confused and feeling conflicted as to a cohesive reality with them!

Narcissists ALWAYS try to control others to domineer and limit freedom of expression/speech or individuality. Again, controlling the environment around them with confusion, chaos, bullying and negativity. They are ALWAYS instilling fear or retaliatory punishment for anyone that doesn’t comply with their EVERY wish. They will also deny you ANY success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling you out or basically placing you in the category of a loser and not worthy of proper recognition. Their word is the FINAL word always! A target/victim could have accomplished something so worthy of recognition and the Narcissist will never respond with a supportive word or a congratulation, instead they will minimalize the entire accomplishment OR even find fault in it. They will put a handle on any positive situation to make you doubt your achievement of success. They continually manage people DOWN! You lose your reality with them

Narcissists always forget commitments and promises purposely because there was nothing real behind their words in the first place – just more of their manipulation to keep you believing. They will even deny that they promised to do something to try to make you believe you are imagining things.

Narcissists will take advantage of any vulnerability using shame, guilt, and fear to make a target feel worthless by highlighting simple insecurities they may have. This could even be done in a manner where the Narcissist will make fun of the target/victim’s physical attributes in a cruel overt manner.

A Narcissist’s actions, promises, and reality in every situation are totally out of alignment. They ALWAYS say one thing and do another. For example, they preach morality, BUT they have no morals and act on their impulses regularly. They may PRETEND to follow a religious doctrine and praise themselves for religious values but possess NONE of these values whatsoever. They ARE the very sinners that they are denouncing, preaching about, and pointing fingers at. The Narcissist I dealt with was/is infamous for this!

Narcissists are only nice when all other options have been removed or when they feel they are trapped into a corner or up against a wall. This is usually when the truth is so evident that they have no other option available to them. There is no remorse to what they have done, they are just trying to wriggle out of being totally exposed for what they have done AND what they are. They also want to keep you trapped in the abuse so they can keep extorting what they can or achieving supply with their insincere apology and patronizing gestures. In time they will replace you once you have caught onto their lies and agenda, BUT of course you are to BLAME for their actions! You are the disordered one and you have abused THEM, and they are “running for their lives” (a favorite and OVER used quote of my Narcissist.) That is really a distorted lie and excuse that they have moved onto a new source, but they are going to keep you locked up in confusion, lies, and abuse surrounding their departure for as long as they can. They will actually PULL you back into the abuse making you think that there is a possibility of reconciliation. It is just a way for them to achieve more chaos to disable you as much as they can as well as implicate you as being obsessed when THEY are the ones that initiate contact to use against you. Keeping you vulnerable also keeps their abuse hidden from the world.

When they are having a conversation, be it one on one or even in a group setting, they will completely cut someone off as if they are not allowed to speak. Narcissists suppress self-expression and individuality to support their omnipotence and power over others by controlling everyone in their world. Basically, they eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves to feel superior and omnipotent! It shores up their false identity and makes them feel so worthy when it is all based on lies and distortion, BUT THEY JUST DON’T SEE IT AS THIS! They are delusional and self-affirming to support their needy needs.

Narcissist will ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses. They push everyone’s buttons. They will even go as far as humiliating people in public situations to show their superiority. They are psycho bullies. By pushing buttons and highlighting a person’s sensitivity they gain power and evoke fear in the target/victim of choice. They ACTIVATE a person’s insecurities to gain power and superiority over them.

Through their vast arsenal of tools to manipulate a Narcissist will pretend to understand a person’s concerns, but then they will blatantly break every boundary and step all over those concerns and basically violate them and you! If they CAN’T control a person, they will slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of this person. Narcissists RUIN people’s lives.

Narcissists will always attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They won’t believe they make mistakes, and they have no ability to feel or process or truly understand shame.

ALWAYS remember that lies and deceit are a natural part of the narcissist’s world. The old saying, “the best liars lie to themselves first” really applies to Narcissists as well as “the lie often repeated is far more convincing” and they repeat their lies many times over! A Narcissist has the amazing ability to believe their own lies even when they fly in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. You HAVE to take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. A friend of mine always said to me “if they are breathing, they are lying” and it is the truth!

LASTLY! Don’t allow yourself to ride on this emotional roller coaster through hell because it is never ending! So then heed this warning and live by it – once you leave OR are out of the relationship the Narcissist doesn’t need you anymore and its more than likely (pretty much a guarantee) you were emotionally and physically replaced long before the separation or discard AND they are out to destroy your integrity AND you to avoid exposure.

Everything I outlined here is taken directly from my experience with the Narcissist I knew. Unfortunately, I was blinded by the manipulation, constant lies, and brainwashing, but NEVER again. I ‘believed’ and never saw the train wreck in front of me. Was I a damaged person? No not in the normal reality of the behavioral sciences as in having a mental illness or a personality disorder but I became the byproduct of the disabling abuse by being in the company of a highly dysfunctional and disordered person. I have insecurities, I have wounds, I may trust a little too much, I get angry, etc. – BUT I am a good person that respects people. I give and love unconditionally, and I know when enough is enough. I get hurt but I don’t destroy and punish people because of this, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and ALLOW them the opportunity to talk and work through things. THAT is having empathy, that is creating a viable relationship with give and take, that is being unconditional and trying to give the benefit of the doubt to a person you care about – that is giving of yourself and this is what bonding SHOULD be with another person – unfortunately with a Narcissist it is all TAKE and no give! This is the IMPORTANT lesson we must take from the abuse – WE ARE THE NORMAL AND AMAZING PERSON HERE that was severely manipulated and that has disabled much of our being, psyche, heart, mind, and soul. No/minimal contact. Greg

The ALL important definition – or that extreme CONFUSION that is clinically called  ‘cognitive dissonance.’

The ALL important definition – or that extreme CONFUSION that is clinically called  ‘cognitive dissonance.’ How we get manipulated and stuck in between the complete POLAR OPPOSITES of the Charm and Harm! A Narcissist intentionally inflicts this duality upon us to keep us confused, disoriented, constantly performing for them, and walking on those eggshells, but we NEVER find any sense of reality as far as OUR part in this relationship with them!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

This is a person we cared for, loved, or basically believed in no matter what the relationship was! But they demeaned us, hurt us, and made us feel wrong and worthless! How can both of these things coexist and be true. What did we believe that now makes us feel so confused and lost – is it us? NO this is what emotional and psychological abusers do to people – tear their victims down piece by piece to control them. It is NOT you it is ALL, it was them and the abuse situation! Unfortunately, we bonded with them and that tugs at our heart and messes with our mind and makes it so hard to cross that bridge to the REAL truth that they abused us.

Most every conversation you have or had with them always seemed to leave you confused and drained. You and ONLY you were left with the burden of trying to figure out what they have said or basically what the heck just happened. It was like a hit and run accident and you are/were left in shock trying to gain a foothold of the incident. A basic conversation would go from zero to a hundred miles per hour and in a direction that put you in the path of an unavoidable crash, AND you weren’t able to control the direction you were headed in. FACT – it was meant to be that way!

You ask yourself how did this all start and what led up to it? You will end up spending hours, or perhaps even days, obsessing over the intent of the message or argument. You exhaust all your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing – it was pre-planned to be this way by the Narcissist. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but there is as far as it concerns the Narcissist that is controlling you. They don’t care so there is no reality – but on the other hand YOU believed in this person and do/did care. You are left at such a conflicting place with polar opposite thoughts that only confound and confuse you – so you only try or tried harder to fix what you couldn’t.

Let’s look at this confusion. Everything they have absorbed or learned about you was being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to charm you because they know your likes and they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no you in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!

So, what about these ridiculous and crazy arguments, etc. You could have NEVER kept up with the original conversation (or argument) in a realistic manner because it was basically nonsensical in your mind and had no real basis of reality. But it served a purpose as far as the Narcissist is concerned to deflect from something or the other, or there was an agenda to it, or to demean and dehumanize you – control, control, CONTROL. BUT it served its purpose because it confounded or confused you and forced you to process the CRAZY information with no real success. You will have many rebuttals going on in your head AFTER THE FACT because you feel a need to defend yourself or rationalize what happened. Basically, you are trying to fix the situation, but was it an argument because you really didn’t do anything but yet you feel like you did something, BUT WHAT IS IT YOU DID??

BAM, this is exactly the place a Narcissist wants you to go to – total confusion and insanity – THIS is the emotional/psychological abuse that disabled you. They have drawn from the vast wealth of knowledge they have gained from observing you and use it consistently to maneuver you into a place of confusion and isolation. There are many reasons behind each of these scenarios, but they are basically to manage you down and to control you. However, you will try to resolve this because you feel you need to address what happened and more than likely to defend yourself hoping for resolution but in the end you’ll find that you are the person apologizing. After a while these crazy arguments will have you stuck in the confusion so much so that you have lost all perspective of your relationship, as well as your value in the relationship. You are always responding to the Narcissist’s crazy making and never participating in a reciprocal or real relationship. You are being emotionally and psychologically abused! Again, this is because of the bond we have with them – or the bond we were manipulated into believing and what keep us or kept us attached at the hip trying to find cohesiveness where there was NONE!

With all of that being said, your mind is always trying to process a duality that exists – you care or love them and believe in them but on the other hand you don’t like what they do to you and you find yourself buried under all of this confusion. How can the person you have come to care or love and vice versa, have changed so drastically? They haven’t changed, you are only seeing the truth about who and what they are. You just don’t completely get it yet. What exists is cognitive dissonance. In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values. The theory of cognitive dissonance focuses on how we strive for internal consistency. When inconsistency (dissonance) is experienced, individuals tend to become psychologically uncomfortable and they are motivated to attempt to reduce this dissonance, as well as actively avoiding the situations and information which are likely to increase it. The struggle exists within loving this monster and trying to avoid the unavoidable and consistent managing down (or the dissonance.) How do you avoid this when there is a bond or love is the reality that you are hanging onto?

So again – whatever they may have done to you was done with intent no matter how it may have hurt you AND they just don’t care and feel justified in their actions. There is no real relationship or love as far as the Narcissist is concerned. They live in a perverted and out of control world and take whatever they can from people with NO CONCERN to the harm they inflict on anybody else. AGAIN, WE MUST UNDERSTAND that there is no real relationship with them! We BELIEVE there is BUT we are all just taking our turn as supply and even though we are their PRIMARY source that still doesn’t mean that it is real by any means.

So, in a nutshell what does this cognitive dissonance do to us on our journey forward? You start the process of recovery in disbelief, fear, and shock! The shock in essence numbs you temporarily from going completely insane by giving you the ability to separate yourself from the totality of this disaster or some breathing room – it is nature’s sedative. Once the dust settles though you start to see the whole picture standing before you and now reality sets in. As you are setting out on this journey your emotions are going to be overwhelming as you try to understand all of this and they get in the way and confuse you. You are trying to sort through pure chaos, and you may respond to it with tremendous ambivalence, anger, hatred, vengefulness, and MANY other negative feelings. Along with this you will be doing some deep soul searching trying to put perspective on so many opposing thoughts that don’t correlate with the care or love you believed in AND it creates a huge void and a great sense of being so lost and alone in all of this.

You must constantly tell yourself and reinforce that this was not a normal or real person that COULD care, love, or bond with you. You must accept that it was a huge lie and most importantly that it had nothing to do with you because the Narcissist managed you down to believe that you are to blame and the disordered one! You must accept that it did happen to you and there is no rhyme nor reason to it because Narcissists are character disordered and in a class of their own. They are dangerous to human beings and destructive and you are so FORTUNATE to be FREE of them (in time you will clearly see this). You are a testament to the very reality and truth that YOU have experienced their psychological abuse and have been severely damaged by a relationship with them. You have to completely switch off from thoughts that pull you into believing they will change, or you can fix them – YOU CAN’T!

Now you have to actualize that there is so much goodness in you and seriously that is what this Narcissist wanted to own and destroy and that is why they targeted and disabled temporarily. You ARE a good person and probably an AMAZING person so don’t ever lose touch with this because the Narcissist told you differently. They are disordered and negative and they live with this premise to make everyone else around them unstable by managing them down. THIS is what psychopaths do to their targets, manage them down to nothingness to control them.

You have to create a discipline to stop looking at the ‘what ifs’ or ‘could I have done this or that’ or that somehow you caused this abhorrent treatment. You have to stop yourself from trying to obtain information about what they are doing through social media OR trying to make any type of contact with them. You seriously have to just stop thinking about them as being anything real to you and concentrate on YOU. Tell yourself that this is DONE! Yes, there are situations that you must stay in contact with them, but again you must separate the emotions and break the chain that binds you to their psychopathy and keep it to the business at hand. Ask yourself what it is you would want back (as in fixing the relationship?) Do you want to enter back into the abuse to experience more dehumanization, lies, betrayal and extortion? No of course not! Lock into this message and put your happiness first!

Now as far as connecting to the reasons WHY you were the target of this disordered Narcissist – in a nutshell it is because they are predators after prey pure and simple. With this type of encounter with horrendous abuse we definitely have a strong desire to re-evaluate our life and behavior. Again, this is normal and can be progressive in your recovery because it is your desire and ability to grow, transcend and move forward. The encounter will provide a spark to grow and evaluate your inner self to correct anything that kept you tied to the abuse and you will correct all of that with introspection and boundaries – but that will happen once you traveled through the truth that this was abuse and you are no longer vulnerable and caught up in the distorted emotions and confusion. Acceptance will move you forward, anything else will pull you right back into the confusion as well as more abuse and you will only have to start at square one AGAIN! No/minimal contact to start this important journey. You can and WILL get through this confusion if you empower yourself with knowledge, education, support from other victims/survivors for clarity, and using your voice to gain the information you need to move forward! Greg

The Narcissist’s manufactured world is about manipulating and maneuvering people and events through compartmentalization – we each have our place and our function to make their world work and even to protect it. None of us are the wiser about these other support people – and the Narcissist WANTS it that way or else we would start to see all the lies and manipulation.

It is all a façade built on lies and rewriting history as they need to – and keeping people separated from one another to keep their lies safe and contained. The Narcissist’s manufactured world is about manipulating and maneuvering people and events through compartmentalization – we each have our place and our function to make their world work and even to protect it. None of us are the wiser about these other support people – and the Narcissist WANTS it that way or else we would start to see all the lies and manipulation. You are NEVER the only person in your relationship with them – just part of the mechanics of their façade.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist’s self-regulating and controlling mechanics always involves pulling people into their lair and extracting information from them AND in turn using this information for whatever GAIN they desire or to use against them! Be it the love bombing to harvest their main sources of supply, or people to prop up their hideous façade of saintliness (minions). If that entails being, charming, exciting, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it – just technique! Their abuse is not only confined to a single person, but instead it is a complex network that includes their primary and secondary supply sources as well as their supportive adoring friends, family members, their own biological children – all of which are basically seduced into their roles! The Narcissist NEEDS this network to survive (supply) as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them. They need a network of people to support their ‘needy needs’ so this is a full-time job for them to control the world around them. BUT the key element is that they are always on the defensive and everybody is essentially an enemy or someone to use for support because their world is full of lies and holes as it concerns the reality, they PRESENT to us! We are either a TOOL or an OBSTACLE in their world.

So back to basics! What is the one thing a Narcissist does not want other people to know? The truth. More specifically, Narcissists do not want the truth about them to be known that they are insecure, malicious, and devious people with a toxic agenda. Beyond being embarrassed by the truth of their behaviors and thoughts, they have a deathly fear of being exposed and REJECTED for who and what they are. This is in large part because they always use lies, manipulations, and distortions to control other people and get what they want. If people were to know about their true nature, they would want nothing to do with the Narcissist – the Narcissist is very aware of this and that is why they MUST build up their defenses. Let’s just say they are always prepared for the inevitable. Similarly, their whole grand façade is just part of their defensive pretense.

The Narcissist is basically grooming every single person in their orbit WITH a deceptive agenda to DIVIDE AND CONQUER. They feel such an intense high or euphoria when they play people against each other, ESPECIALLY when it becomes a competition for them to gain adulation/adoration. They will even make you think that the people closest to you are talking behind your back. The Narcissist will present the allegations as a concern of course to minimalize the real agenda to put wedges in between you and the people closest to you. The reverse is also true because the Narcissist will go to the people closest to you and make them believe you have said things about them as well – AND only out of concern of course! This basically isolates you from the people closest to you and forces you to become dependent on the concerned Narcissist. Pure deception that destroys you as well as your integrity.

BUT the minions cause just as much havoc in our lives because they are supporting the Narcissist’s agenda. There is strength in numbers and that is what the Narcissist’s goal is here by pulling in the troops! Really minions are just co-conspirators or co-abusers and should be treated as such by employing the same no-contact rule as with the Narcissist. Anybody that will basically join in on a disordered agenda that aims at destroying another person has serious issues and they are dangerous people to do what they do so never engage with them. Remember the Narcissist looks for the weakest and neediest links in society that feign attention from anybody to join in on their reign of terror. It is not unusual for the Narcissist to use whatever method possible to pull them into their deceptive agenda, be it extreme charm, sex or whatever, but basically these minions are just tools or objects like every other person and seduced into their roles. Narcissists are the grand extortionists of life! BUT remember when it comes to minions, they are willing to do whatever they can to fulfill their role to please the Narcissist. They are just as manipulative and will employ some of the same tools that the Narcissist does, even PRETENDING to be your friend. They will gather up information that the Narcissist is requesting of them so the Narcissist is always ‘in the know’ about their enemy (that would be us).

So these minions and co-conspirators are only extension of the Narcissist AND the Narcissist’s abusive methodology. A Narcissist uses every opportunity to feign attention to themselves as well as secure their little toxic playmates to be there right alongside of them when they decide to wage their battles. Their world is so distorted and toxic. They live in pure denial of their sickness. They mean to hurt and destroy people, family, organizations or essentially anything that they participate in. Backstabbing, smearing, triangulation and lying are their tools to create chaos and to damage and silence people. All of this of course falls under ‘no contact’ because the only way to shut this monster out is to completely remove yourself from any attachment, especially your emotional ties with them. Yes, we loved a monster! The Narcissist’s smear campaign is their way of hatefully acknowledging OUR denying them of their fake reality and identifying them AS THE MONSTER THEY ARE. The only viable solution is moving on and away from them with no/minimal contact! Greg

Narcissists do NOT come back in good faith – they are LOW on supply and need a ‘fix!’

FACT: A Narcissist will NEVER come back in good faith, changed, or because they care or love us – NO they still see potential supply from us. JUST SAY NO! Probably one of the most confusing and difficult things we all face when being involved with a Narcissist, is the crazy making ‘painful’ cycles of breaking up, followed by the HIGH’s of making up. Unfortunately, it is an inevitable process that comes along with being involved in a Narcissistic Relationship!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist

Many targets/victims always get caught up with the chaos and hurt of the Narcissist leaving you, only to return back to the relationship? So, the big question of WHY and WHAT would possess a Narcissist to hurt you so deeply, only to come back on bended knee, and beg for forgiveness? ALSO why does a Narcissist spend so much time trying to convince you to give them another chance, only to revert back to their cruel and abusive ways after they realize you have forgiven them ONCE again recommitted to them? Furthermore, how can a Narcissist change like the weather AND not show ANY shame or remorse?

The reality is that most victims want to believe this behavior is based upon the Narcissists real and genuine desire of wanting to be with them and wanting the relationship to work! The sad truth is that a Narcissist only returns back to the relationship to get a quick fix of supply, drama, chaos, or whatever serves them to keep CONTROL over you and to feed their addiction to constant supply.

It will resemble the ‘love bombing’ we experienced in the beginning of the relationship where the Narcissist puts on a great act and uses their best performance to lure you back in and win you over! BUT almost immediately you will notice a drastic change in the Narcissist’s behavior again, and you will be reliving the cycles of abuse again or the idealization and devaluation stages! This becomes an ongoing process that continues on, even during the breakup stages! It is insanity for sure because it will never change until the Narcissist moves on to new supply!

So Basically, once you validate the Narcissist AGAIN by responding to him/her in any way, shape or form, The Narcissist has got his/her hold on you as well as a fix and the Narcissist will just move on to the next and the next best fix or high. Finding supply is just an ongoing thing with Narcissist because they need it like we need oxygen and there is no limit to who or what they use for supply. BUT remember this if you remember anything, you are not anything to them no matter how much you love them or believe they love you! You are only one optional source of supply that they invested in for a certain period of time.

This is the VERY reason that targets/victims MUST remember that while we may feel some source of relief or renewed security by the Narcissist’s change of heart, the minute you take them back, and the minute the Narcissist realizes that they have you again, they will immediately revert back to their old cruel behavior and abusive agenda. You must accept that it IS psychological abuse with all of their mental mind games, and the ONLY reason a Narcissist continues to come back is to ensure that they still have you right where they want you and to fill in the blanks as it concerns having a constant source of supply!

ALSO when a Narcissist is experiencing withdrawal from not having enough Narcissistic Supply they will immediately go into the pursuit mode coming back with the goal of winning you over once again – but they are only recycling us until they secure new supply again. A Narcissist does not and cannot be alone, they constantly need supply or someone to validate them. NO contact and always keep it that way! Greg

Put EVERYTHING aside that you BELIEVED was real with this person because there was NOTHING real about them except for what you were conned into believing – especially that they cared for you or loved you.

So important to understand this completely! Put EVERYTHING aside that you BELIEVED was real with this person because there was NOTHING real about them except for what you were conned into believing – especially that they cared for you or loved you. Instead BELIEVE what your intuition told you that something was wrong and go beyond that and believe everything was wrong and the miracle here is that you are free from them and in time with introspection and grieving the abuse, you will see a clear picture of just how repulsive they really are. This is YOUR time to empower yourself with the truth and return to a chaos and abusive free life. DISCARD them completely from every aspect of your life you can and be free to grow again.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

SO, now who and what they really are! There is no “one” real person inside of the Narcissist that is fully functioning or normal but instead there MANY made up facsimiles of people they imitate to cover up their dark reality to give them a superficial façade and the ability to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people. They are biologically human beings with needs, and they look like us and basically even act like us BUT they do not THINK like we do and eventually that façade fails them and us. Narcissists do not make internal connections to people or bond, so they can only respond to external stimulation or the supply they continually seek out so basically you are an object. So you cannot try to relate to them or understand them through the real empathy and unconditional love or reasoning that apply to normal people. They are NOT like you or I so you cannot relate to them as if they are!

Seems complicated so how do they do it? When they meet you, they will carefully access so many parts of your life and morph right into you as if they are your twin – and WOW you have so much in common. SO, it naturally follows that there is no proper internal mechanism that exists or functions as it relates to a Narcissist having a normal and functioning ‘personality’ that can relate in a healthy manner with the outside world and the people in it. The reality that seems to exist (and I am very loosely using that word reality) is a thin veneer or skin that is like a mask or costume they CREATE and wear that corresponds with their needs at any given moment – and their needs are many! Their façade is very interchangeable as well, so it completely fools the rest of the world and protects the Narcissist from being EXPOSED as dark, envious, and loathsome person that they are.

You have probably heard this many times and I will repeat it once more – they are like a chameleon that is able to change the color of its skin to match its environment and they are amazingly adept at this. The Narcissist disengages or detaches from their dark inner self and recreates an image to wear for the public or their immediate world. This image is constantly projected to essentially allow themselves to ‘fit in.” Of course, it is a good and likeable image that is very interchangeable AND even described as very charming but remember it was designed to camouflage themselves – and there you have it a different person for every different ‘need’. Personally, I would describe them as seductive because in reality they con artists that are after something they need. That ‘need’ is usually to trick their targets and use them as ‘Narcissistic Supply’ and just a major component of their survival. Basically, their functioning image is the biggest lie that this extortionist uses in their arsenal of deceit or ABUSE. Or as my friend said ‘compartmentalization’ – they compartmentalize us to fit the many different and exacting needs they have for each of us. Remember Narcissists are in every facet of life – be it a family member, a friend, a co-worker, perhaps a priest or preacher, attorney, doctor, next door neighbor, etc. Also remember that supply isn’t just limited to romantic relationships – if you have something they need or want, or they can better their social status by being in your company, or benefit by an association with you, they will be right there at your side getting whatever they are after. Once they have gotten it, they are gone and if you ever tried to make them accountable – YOU are gone as well.

So, there is no real person there just a needy void looking for surrogate to supply them what they cannot achieve on their own – or you and I – now that is pretty messed up! The relationship with yourself, or the one that requires a conscience, morals, empathy, a soul, etc., is a pretty important relationship to be lacking COMPLETELY, and pretty much a requirement or prerequisite to being a functioning human being and living life NORMALLY as well as interacting with others. If you don’t relate to your own self or your life in a healthy matter, how can you relate to anyone else in a ‘healthy manner OR any manner for that matter?’ JUST MY POINT – a Narcissist lacks the mechanisms needed to be a ‘fully functioning human being’ so they invent what they need as they go along in life and we play along or join in unknowingly with their toxic and destructive game while they run off with all the goods. Basically, EVERYONE is here to supply them OR fulfill their every need, be it financially as in a career, sexually to fulfill their physical needs, familial so ‘they’ have a proper ‘face’ to appear ‘normal, moral and ethical’, friends to help them shore up their façade and believe their ‘lies’, or whatever they can harvest and use from people to fill in the huge VOID that they are. None of us serve anything more OR are more than a “bit part” in the Narcissist deranged and disordered life. We function to serve a specified need the Narcissist has at a specific time, AND they have multiple relationships going on to secure all the supply they can get – but we are none the wiser!

We are so much better than this abuse, we deserve so much more than this abuse, we deserved the truth and all we got were complete lies with this abuse, we deserve a real life and NOW we can have this once we get them out of our life and never look back at what was and instead use the truth to move forward with what is – THEY were emotional/psychological rapists and terrorists – NEVER forget this! Lastly the most important thing is that you survived this because you are here today and still standing, gaining all the knowledge and clarity to move forward. No/minimal contact! Greg

This abuse had nothing to do with you at all and all part of the cycle of the Narcissist’s abuse.

This had nothing to do with you at all and all part of the cycle of their abuse. You, me, and EVERYONE has an expiration date with a Narcissist and there are always replacements waiting in the wings! We are all just steppingstones in their world based on what they need. Some of us have major roles and some have minor roles – but none of us mean anything more or less than what we have to offer!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

With all the extreme confusion that surrounded the departure of this abusive Narcissist from your life you were left with significant and distorted messages that put the heavy burden of the blame onto and into you and those messages are still living in your mind and heart! This is the same confusion that always surrounded every aspect of the relationship and has now reemerged and turned into more denial of the real truth with the discard. This denial has planted itself firmly in your life and keeps you in a constant state of limbo in your mind and your heart. It is really a chaotic conflict that keeps cycling back and forth inside of you. Consequently, instead of confronting the reality (or truth) you keep turning to every other avenue to reach a closure that ISN’T based on reality and you BASICALLY reject that you were abused. You don’t really see that it was abuse because you were conditioned to see it as something about YOU that caused everything disparaging in this relationship. When a person is physically abused with a blackened eye for example, that singular action undeniably DEFINES it as abuse to you personally, as well as anyone that sees the damage. With psychological abuse there is no one singular action that leaves an outward bruise. Sometimes you are not even aware of all the actions and words that are harming you. The bruises are on the inside as well as the many scars that build up. It makes it extremely difficult to express the damage that lives in your heart, soul and mind because they are so many there in every level of your life. So where do you start to reconcile?

This is basically conditioning as in being ‘brainwashed’ by a very manipulative, cunning, and disordered person AND a pro at it! That Narcissist wanted you to BELIEVE that they REALLY loved you at first, but when they REALLY got to know you in such a personal/loving manner then all of a sudden, THEY realized that YOU really had all of these horrible issues and that YOU were REALLY defective and abusing them. REALLY? They have been sending this message to you subtly from the very first day they met you and then stepped it up with the devaluation and discard because that expiration date was inevitable. The Narcissist has been out there securing MORE supply probably the same day they met you! So, look at the focus and where it was aimed – at your vulnerable loving heart and mind! Why doesn’t a Narcissist just take the goods and run when they are caught? Why do they have to play such harsh psychological games to harm people? Why do they have to destroy as much of you as they can? First because they are ONLY A FAÇADE and don’t have any real filters to control the real envy and loathing of life that resides inside of them and everything and everyone is a threat to their delicate world, so they demean and malign ALL people that share any space with them. Secondly, so they can keep abusing new people and avoiding exposure by destroying the evidence or the last person they abused!

Simply put this is just part of the agenda that enables them to MOVE ON by blaming you (devaluing) and then discarding you! This is them getting away with their abuse and justifying it. This very astute con artist got everything they wanted with their big love scam and they needed to move on and find better supply because you just weren’t serving them, and they got bored and went out looking for something better (they were always looking anyway)! There was never any real love! They were ALWAYS looking for more supply even when things were supposedly good. So, when you reached your ‘expiration date’ they were off to a new target/victim and unscathed because they had an alibi (blaming everything on you) like every criminal does and the dysfunctional people that believe them and support them! Their alibi enables them to avoid exposure by discrediting you completely! Job well done and the Narcissist is off and running. Don’t try to make them accountable because they will start a war with you that will literally drive the point home that if you play with them, they will discredit you with words (LIES) that can damage you for a lifetime. This is their lifestyle, this is their disorder, this is always what they do, this is their pattern, this is abuse, and THIS IS A NARCISSIST!

It is virtually impossible to absorb such painful information AND the truth all at once. Your heart still yearns for what you were persuaded to believe during the ‘love bombing’ that this WAS somehow love! Your mind is still overwhelmed with the memories of the so-called good times with the Narcissist – YET the truth about the infidelity, the constant lies and deception, the manipulation and the backstabbing, the constant breakups and returns can no longer be denied because the truth is staring at you in the eyes! You can’t undo the damage AND everything you have learned about the Narcissist. You can’t return to the point of original innocence and the total blindness. The ‘end result’ is this contradictory existence and a HUGE internal battle clinging to the denial or accepting the real truth. How many times did you do this in the relationship by returning to a day or two of fake happiness and then it was right back to the same old same old? This is the definition of cognitive dissonance!

Cognitive dissonance is this inner contradiction concerning the target/victim’s attitude towards their abuser (the Narcissist.) It is by far not logical or normal thinking, but more of a defense mechanism for coping with the extreme deception, domination, control and abuse. Targets/victims engage in cognitive dissonance, in an attempt to reconcile the contradictory actions, words and behavior of a toxic or disordered individual that has taken over their lives. Yes, taken over their lives!

The denial takes on several different forms. First it can manifest itself as hanging onto the idealization (believing it WAS love) or still hanging onto the false hopes and beliefs from the trap that lured you in (the love bombing!) It can also shift in a manner that we do blame ourselves for what went wrong with the relationship or perhaps even shifting the blame to the person that the Narcissist was cheating with or the new supply (the ‘other’ man or woman) instead of holding the Narcissist accountable for their actions! It is by far easier to blame someone you’re not emotionally invested in than someone you love, particularly if you still cling to that person or relationship. Remember the ‘new supply’ is no part of this and they are being conned and psychologically abused as well. It is only a matter of time that the ‘new supply’ will be in this same place!

You are disabled by their HUGE con and not truly capable of accepting any part of the reality because of the constant brainwashing which now becomes your vulnerability in all of this! The TRUTH or reality of the situation that it was abuse becomes suppressed and surfaces as anxiety, depression, self-blaming, worthlessness, fear, and trauma AND from the VERY messages that were pounded into your head and now your heart by this person you invested your time and perhaps life into. Rather than confronting this reality, targets/victims entirely go into a place of denial like they were conditioned to do by their abuser. It is not that you are just that stupid or that much of a fool that you totally allowed this relationship to put you here. You were CONTINUALLY managed down by seamless manipulation slowly but surely and day by day until all of these scenarios became a way of life for you. Little by little you accepted your role with this Narcissist. Now little by little you must purge these negative messages out and replace them with the truth and positive messages about yourself! Introspection will become your next step in recovery once you actualize the real truth of your situation. You will look for your personal weaknesses and create new boundaries and a healthier lifestyle. That is when you will put the emphasis TOTALLY into yourself to move forward without any singular thought of this Narcissist. You will take the Narcissist’s power away from them by completely removing them from your life which in turn empowers YOU to gain the clarity and strength to heal from the damage that was caused by your association with them. Educating yourself and accepting the TRUTH that this was abuse will take the power completely away from the abuser. Moving forward AND completely away from this person gives YOU your power back and will lead you to more clarity, recovery and the healing you need. THIS is only accomplished by No/Minimal contact! Greg

Let’s completely expose the truth about these Narcissists! There is NO real person there – only a façade and an agenda – so they can change into ANYTHING that they want to be to GET whatever they want – but remember this is also a MAJOR part of the betrayal and abuse that only gets pathological and horrendous in time.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

What really defines a Narcissist – whatever they need to define them in the moment? The Narcissist is an EXTREME egomaniac that lacks ANY and ALL empathy and feels so entitled to everything in life even if they lie, deceive, betray, steal, and abuse to get it – this is the totality of their infliction and what makes them a Narcissist because nothing else matters in their world except for their every need! They seriously don’t care who they HARM in the process because again – they lack all EMPATHY. We are all steppingstones that they walk on and over to get what they want. ONCE we understand this and internalize this, we must NEVER engage with them or look back at them as anything but the predatory and destructive con-artist that they really are.

They feel that they are ABOVE everybody and deserving of EVERYTHING they want in life and they will take it no matter if they abuse people or break the law to do so and they just don’t care. They act as if they are ‘royalty’ in life and feel above and even insulted by any unworthy subjects – like when YOU and I expect his/her majesty’s affirmation or attention – we are only there to serve. It is all part of the fictional novel going on in the Narcissist’s childish mind, that magnanimous work of fiction about themselves in which he/she is the star of a great masterpiece all about themselves.

It is ALL about fictional appearances with them – whatever they make up to bring them attention. Little children do the same thing in their play fantasies, but THEY eventually grow up and deal in reality. The Narcissist totally IDENTIFIES with the fictional character that he/she creates in that mirror that is you and me. WE have a bit part in this show as a character (one of many) that exists to reflect the Narcissist’s greatness through our interactions with them period. They will always share how amazing they are and how they have so many friends, how their family and children love them, etc. BUT, what they share are usually bits and pieces of tiny truths that are ALWAYS the direct opposite. Their immediate family eventually rejects their hideous actions or perversions that they have inflicted on them, but it is always somebody else’s fault. Everybody else picks up the slack for these creatures like raising a family, paying the bills and keeping up the real responsibilities in life. The real relationship with them is no give and all take but never care or love, it is all about serving the Narcissist – the rest is their fictional story that you believe that locked you into what you believed was a relationship. In time you realized the truth when their words and actions never backed up the façade, they personally created for you.

You will fall out of grace when your eyes reflect the disdain of their lies and manipulation, and you will enter a battle with them where they will destroy you for making them face the reality of who they really are. They will just run off after they have destroyed your integrity and start up a new life of abuse with someone else. Yet, deep down inside, the Narcissist is aware that their life is a sham, and they are vulnerable as far as being exposed and that is what they fear. They are always a step or ten ahead of the game and have gathered up every bit of personal information they can use against you to destroy your integrity so that your voice becomes weak and unheard when you start to speak out. Their out-of-control life is a constant reminder of how unstable their amazing world is AND how weak and feeble they really are! Clinically this is described as the Narcissist’s Grandiosity Gap – or in other words they are gift wrapped box that is EMPTY inside when you unwrap it.

The Narcissist can pretend to know everything, in every field of the human condition and is seamless with all the knowledge that spills out. Again, they are all confabulations and lies that the Narcissist prevaricates to avoid the exposure of their real ignorance AND their dark world they MUST hide. Their knowledge and experience are just copycat information that has no basis of reality or is earned through realistic education, goals, hard work, relationship bonding, human compassion, real love, or anything else. AGAIN – they have no reality to back it up or empathy to understand life at any level! The Narcissist resorts to numerous prefabricated ‘imitations of life’ to support their God-like omnipotence. What goes on in the shadows is what really defines them and exists in their REAL world, and that is their vast neediness and out-of-control lifestyle that betrays all of life and love. You can take the power away from the Narcissist by removing yourself from their diabolical and delusional world and stop supplying them with your life. Start with no/minimal contact! Greg

ABOUT recovery and recovering! What was this connection we had because we HAVE questioned so much about it? THIS was a desperate connection, relationship/love that traumatized YOU and your life! Moving on with more of the truth!

ABOUT recovery and recovering! What was this connection we had because we HAVE questioned so much about it? THIS was a desperate connection, relationship/love that traumatized YOU and your life! Moving on with more of the truth!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

With emotional and psychological battering/abuse victims are entrapped by extreme manipulative and psychological persuasion over a lengthy period of time. What was the nature of our perpetrator when we met them? Did they have us at gunpoint forcing us into this psychological terrorism or did they offer us something so very familiar, normal, trustworthy and welcoming called LOVE? Yes, they manipulated us with something familiar and so believable that ANY person would fall for the fake charm and love bombing – if that does not define a predator, I don’t know what does! I have met very many wonderful friends from all over the world since I started writing about this abuse that I interact with daily. They are some of the strongest people I have ever encountered. There is not anything about them that shouts out to me that they allowed their abuse! They are full of love, empathy, and high functioning individuals! Abuse is not your fault it is situational!

Well let us go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let us define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced and unhealthy and basically not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or they are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever — THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us – the label doesn’t matter BUT the truth and education DOES. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims. The key words that describe the whole cycle of abuse is love-bombing, devaluation, discard, and I always add DESTROY! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled and that is what we must fix – not the relationship, justify it or the Narcissist – recovery is about us!

The journey to recovery is now a process because we were unconsciously living and dealing with all the destructive messages we internalized and validated as our reality. We must seek out education about this abuse and the truth about our situation as a key to unlock the door to our recovery. Yes, those messages are going to be in our head for a good while BUT we must create a healthy balance and desensitize them. What this means is that we must move into a place where it is possible for us to recognize that a person HAS betrayed us in a manner to control us through mental abuse. We must think about it in terms to validate the truth of the situation, but not to try to dissect the Narcissist and put our energy into trying to get into their heads. We spent a great deal of time trying to fix or basically heal them and we gave away too much of ourselves. Turn this around and accept the truth that they are completely disordered and put that healing power back into yourself.

The recovery process is so multi-dimensional that it means that there are really no simple answers to the question “how do I stop the pain and what do I do to move forward with my recovery?” There are answers that we need to have in the beginning of our recovery, but they are basically concerning the educational process and a tried and true direction so we are ‘in the know’ about this disorder and can get our ‘ah ha’ moment and move forward.

The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure – UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation. They ran off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. That would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along.

Seriously I had to shut my Narcissist down with complete no-contact or go insane listening to the craziness! It was crystal clear what I was dealing with, and I shut it down completely. I would still be receiving emails and text messages to this day if I did not. It was like a party to this Narcissist being able to have free range ‘raging’ at me, making fun of me, telling me sick and perverted stories of their crazy sex life, and projecting every horrendous thing this Narcissist did ‘onto and into’ me. That was enough for me to actualize just how dysfunctional this person was/is. Seeing and hearing them when their mask is off is frightening and eye opening. It was like projectile lies and ‘crazy making’ being shot at me from everywhere.

It is important for all of us to be validated as it concerns this abuse, but that validation has to come from ourselves because a Narcissist is NEVER going to allow themselves to be exposed as an abuser. In fact, that Narcissist is STILL abusing AFTER THE FACT through a vicious smear campaign using every piece of personal information, they have learned about you against you. This is just more of their devaluation and when they abandon you, they mean to leave no trace of your reality intact!

The Narcissist has manipulated and managed us down to the point of not trusting OUR own feelings and perceptions. Over the years, we internalized this twisted and distorted relationship and bent our own emotions to fix the relationship we THOUGHT we had. We cannot buy into those distortions and recover. That process is still running through our heads even though they have physically parted from our lives, and we MUST shut this down. It was a horrendous roller coaster ride to keep us in a state of confusion and fear with so many ups and downs with no end to the ride and now it is time to jump off. YES, we believed it was love, but it was a desperate love that cost us a great deal – the truth is right there in those words!

As hard as it may seem for us to purge all of the abuse out of us, it CAN be done. We were normal and psychologically sound people pre-Narcissist, and we can get back to what and who we once were. It does require deep introspection and setting up new and strong boundaries in our life and even looking at our part in any of this. There are many theories out there and they all have their purpose, but it must begin with us. Get healthy first by breaking completely away from the emotional tie or that bond that only you formed with the lie from the Narcissist. This can be done with minimal contact as well (when there are divorce proceedings or biological children) – BUT everything that ties you to a Narcissist has to be BUSINESS only because they abuse and want to always have that control over you to drag you back in – DON’T let them.

You HAVE the ability to change if you deprogram the messages that have been imprinted on your mind but only if you ALLOW yourself to be your OWN motivator in this process. Just say ‘NO’ to the Narcissist. Remember the old drug campaign that showed an egg as describing your ‘healthy’ brain, and then it showed that same egg in a frying pan stating this is your brain on drugs (the fried egg.) Well just switch that around to the fired egg being your brain after being with a Narcissist. Please understand no/minimal contact and start of your road to recovery, it is imperative to moving on! Greg

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