They are VERY shrewd manipulators, using triangulation, backstabbing and smearing to avoid accountability and hide from the truth that they (the narcissist) are liars, con artists, manipulators, and ABUSIVE.

They are VERY shrewd manipulators, using triangulation, backstabbing and smearing to avoid accountability and hide from the truth that they (the narcissist) are liars, con artists, manipulators, and ABUSIVE. They use subtle techniques as if they are ‘so concerned,’ but yet their message is directly aimed at destroying the integrity of their victim. It is not only restricted to our friends, family, co-workers or anybody else in our lives — they also do this to us in reverse by saying people talk about us too.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm t Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist skillfully weaves their manipulation into our lives to make us become dependent on them by distorting and destroying everything around us that is real to us. They make us believe in them as if they ALONE are our savior to blind us from reality. They tell us how people talk about us, or this or that person is not good for us. They love us and ONLY want to protect us with this truth and HELP us, but they are subtly planting these distorted messages in us to get us to believe in them completely and isolate us and keep us close to them alone! These messages do their magic by making us feel worthless and as if something is terribly wrong with our lives and with us. In this process they are also gathering personal information from us to USE AGINST US too. So they are also telling these very people that love us that WE are also talking about them and they need to be CAREFUL as it concerns THEIR connection with us. They are using the familiarity of personal stories we shared with them AGAINST us.

This is triangulation where they pit one person against the other! They are destroying everything we love and cherish so that we become totally dependent on them. That is the addiction and trauma bond that is forced into our reality. Who do you turn to when you hear that everything around you or about you is so terribly wrong? The person that is standing directly in front of you that is a friend, family member or the person you love, in reality is the very person that is poisoning your life. When I look back, if I had a dollar for every time I heard that SOMEBODY was saying negative things about me, even Psychiatrists that were evaluating me and telling my Narcissist I was unstable, family members, co-workers – EVERYBODY, I would be a millionaire ten times over! As silly and unreal as that sounds I am not kidding or exaggerating! A Narcissist does this very subtly and they are seamless at weaving their triangulation with little tiny bits of truth and lies into your conscious world to make it seem plausible. I was an emotional punching bag to a highly disordered and not fully functioning human being. I finally got it and pushed forward and totally away from it and back to reality where I was before I fell into this devastating abuse and today I am so much better as if I walked away from some sort of darkness and back into light, life and love again!

Let’s go a bit further: We must understand that there are two essential and distinct parts to accepting the TRUTH or how they BETRAY us so we can start on our personal journey to recovery. They are the emotional and intellectual realities. Intellectually it is understanding this personality disorder to basically get you to your ‘ah ha’ moment that this was not anything near this care, friendship, or love you believe/believed in but the actions of a person suffering from an extreme personality disorder conning your emotions and using you too. Emotions are not as easy to untangle especially when it involves that amazing thing called love that connects you to this disordered creature and distorts the truth and your reality. BUT we ARE able to fall out of love and it is so important to fall out of this toxic and poisonous love with both perspectives to see the clearer and bigger picture that it was purely destructive to you and meant to be. There was NO REAL CARE or LOVE there – but instead a highly dysfunctional and abusive person! No/minimal contact always. Greg

Narcissists are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.

Narcissists are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists use a vast arsenal of tools to debase, dehumanize and eventually destroy a person’s self-esteem, and overall spirit – this is psychological abuse pure and simple and they are ABUSERS. We have all heard this many times over, and it is a fact that these words are 100% true – BUT beyond this truth is the reality that there are many targets/victims that have to deal with the destruction caused by a malignant Narcissist. These targets/victims are not just wives, husbands, partners, but also biological children, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers and any other human being in every walk of life!

Narcissist CHARM people into their world and then reduce their spirits to worthlessness AND feeling so vulnerable and THAT is when they start with the psychological terrorism so that they can control their minds and basically use them or harvest them as a source of supply. A Narcissist will employ cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse and shrewd manipulative linguistic or language patterns to CONTROL people around them and force them to question their own sanity and reality AND in turn become dependent on the Narcissist for their reality. Narcissists will also smear their target/victim’s good nature/name behind their back destroying their integrity to others (friends, family, co-workers) so that THEY will also start questioning the sanity of the target/victim. It is like a game of “power and control” through the use of these various methods so that the Narcissist’s is always in charge of their immediate environment and controlling every aspect of it with lies, false appearances, triangulation, coning people, isolating their victims, etc. Narcissists have everybody around them fooled by their charm that hides their true pathological nature and that is what makes them dangerous because behind that mask of sanity is their deceptive agenda that will drain a victim of their worth, erase their personality, and then the Narcissist will just move onto another victim or victims!

When communicating, discussing, debating, or arguing with a Narcissist, a target/victim usually finds themselves at a COMPLETE dead-end. The target/victim’s logic always becomes incompatible or discombobulated with that of the Narcissist and the victim always get purposely outwitted and then steered in the opposite direction from the original topic, especially if it is around questioning them (the Narcissist) or accountability as it concerns the Narcissist. Basically, communicating with them is like walking through a “House of Mirrors” at a carnival. Every thought you express is distorted in so many different ways that you don’t even recognize the original thought and it causes complete confusion– just like your image in the many mirrors that are created to distort your image and make you lose track of your original starting point and destination.

If you say the sky is blue the Narcissist will somehow negate the possibility of it being blue to make you wrong. The Narcissist may even hint that you have certain psychological issues concerning your thoughts about the sky being blue because he/she wants to manage you down. The Narcissist will back it up with concerns that your friends, family, or associates have about your “wild allegations” of the sky being BLUE. Then the Narcissist will accuse you of having an affair and using your story of the “blue sky” as a diversion tactic to trick THEM. Finally, that Narcissist will employ punishment and the silent treatment because of your argumentative views, lies and betrayal concerning your “blue sky” story. The Narcissist then runs out to find a little extra supply on the side to betray you since they now have some “free time” after the chaotic and wild “blue sky” story that has left you in shock, silenced and isolated. After a day or so they come back and tell you that IN FACT the sky is now blue as if the issue over the blue sky never even came up at all AND PERHAPS YOU OVERREACTED! You MAY even get flowers, or dinner, BUT you end up paying for it as usual! OH – and they will tell you that they were taking care of a sick relative and that is why you didn’t hear from them for that day or so that they disappeared. Do we call this denial on the Narcissist’s part that they are just this delusional or are they just denying us access to them using all of these “crazy and chaotic” diversions that deflect us away from the truth about them so they can get away with everything and anything? I say it is all diversions!

The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication to divert reality and cause chaos so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is at that very moment because THIS IS HOW THEY FUNCTION. This agenda is many things, but basically to secure supply, from us and from whoever else is willing to give them supply – it supports their false mask/persona. It took me a while to understand just how this worked, as well as how my Narcissist would divert from every aspect of their life/lifestyle. Everything was always a mystery as far as the past and present. Let me put it this way – everything was MEANT to be kept this way so I would never learn the truth about this Narcissist’s abusive past, out-of-control lifestyle, as well as a perverted lifestyle. Any time I would speak to this Narcissist’s mother I would find out about something that this Narcissist had lied about AND I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK because the truth just always seemed to come out on its own. So, you can imagine just how much this Narcissist was lying, re-writing history and every other little diabolical action. I was always kept at a distance from the Narcissist’s family, but of course told that I never made an attempt to get to know them – AGAIN just more diversion. Remember everything is OUR fault even the very horrendous things they do to us!

Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask, so beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live and we SUPPORT.

How does a simple question concerning accountability turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are and they HAVE to protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. They can NEVER see that real and horrible image of themselves reflected from any of us – that is why they create their amazing facades so the only reflection they see is the one they create that is all lies. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade. In the end when we KNOW the real truth they do a preemptive and silent attack with their smear campaign to completely destroy our integrity so no one will believe us when we start to tell the truth about this pathological critter.

Beneath that thin mask the Narcissist wears is the reality of their pathological self PLUS their WHOLE past of victims/targets they have abused and a raging temper that is like a volcano that can erupt at any given moment. YES, they are aware of their actions because they use lie after lie to cover up their abuse – but they just do not have the mechanics to care. Like a child that stole a piece of candy and lies about it to avoid being punished – so does the Narcissist at a monumental level. Remember their past is always following them and should they ever stop for a moment it will catch up with them and completely consume them because they are abusers that have damaged many people’s lives – even their own family. When the going gets tough the Narcissist gets going – so they are off and running to new supply ALWAYS surrounding themselves with a protective circle of new targets/victims, NEW LIES, as well as a new and WONDEROUS life to shore up their disordered facade AGAIN – and this equation ALWAYS includes the demise/destruction of the previous source of supply and the “believers” that support the delusional Narcissist! Thus, the cycle of abuse – they are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.

A Narcissist will also create vivid situations where they start a conversation off with an agenda in mind – one to create a smokescreen or diversion of some sort. They confuse the target/victim with chaos to perhaps divert a situation into an argument to be able to sneak out and secure some supply they acquired on the side, or just to debase a target/victim and keep them walking on eggshells or to cause constant anxiety to keep us CONDITIONED and a slave to their pathology. This is like being a POW or prisoner of war to the Narcissist – torture and all! This is what they do because what lives inside of them is such a disordered personality that if we were to even have a small glimpse of what they really are I believe we would be shocked even more by the reality of ALL THE TRUTH. I learned this about my Narcissist through talking to their friends and family and I never imagined that there was even more than what I experienced but there was/is, and the truth was beyond a capacity for me to understand. We see the tip of the iceberg and what is hidden beneath the water is monumental in size and so destructive to many people, especially IF THE TRUTH WOULD GET OUT!

Lies and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing reality, but the Narcissist also does this with an agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives, then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity! BUT here is the truth – you are an amazing person, you have all of your mental facilities, you can love, you have great empathy, and you are STRONG because you survived this and are here today. You will recover from this and be free from this abuser. It all starts now with education, knowledge and support. You will align with all of this and the truth of your situation and purge all of the abuse out of your life. It is a process that requires time but it is worth it because you will get your good life back and freedom. It all starts with no/minimal contact to get the clarity you need! Greg

Don’t Fall for ANY of it!

Don’t fall for ANY OF IT!

Let’s see the real picture here and accept the truth of what they APPEAR to be and what they really are – CON ARTISTS, opportunists, and emotionally manipulative ABUSERS that WANT something and will do anything to get it! Don’t fall for any of their manipulative and denigrating tactics – and let’s never forget what they did to us, our families, our friends, our career, and so much more. This abuse is never singular!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and everything else in Between with a Narcissist

Narcissists work extremely hard at making themselves believable as it concerns their overt lies and myths about themselves. They arm themselves with a vast array of learned information they have harvested through their observations of other humans so they can morph or fit into any situation. They acquire, and then wear, personalize or enhance this information as if it is truly theirs but it is always based on THEIR needs. So what is the goal with all of this? To snag you into his/her Narcissistic lair to make you supply them with the things they need and can’t get because they are a dark and manipulative personality that envies life, love and people. Don’t fall for it!

They can incessantly talk and talk about most anything without skipping a beat with their interesting information. They are human chameleons that study and imitate the human condition, but with a goal to further their own power by enhancing their stature and influence the people around them to get what they crave, and that is admiration, attention and supply. Undoubtedly, they exaggerate their every claim and position in their life. They are addicted to this omnipotence and we are what they need to use as a mirror to see this amazing reflection of themselves. Unfortunately, what they do in the darkness without a care to the people that love them is also part of the equation with their ability to tell an amazing story to cover up their out-of-control lifestyle or basically lie. Don’t fall for it!

It is ABSOLUTELY amazing how a Narcissist can cover their tracks to hide what can only be described as their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle and world. Remember they are not doing this just to be the amazing actors that they are. These are deceptive and abusive personalities that need this disguise to extort people and life using whatever instrument of abuse they can to achieve their agenda – the best word here is that they are cunning like a fox. Don’t fall for it!

They lie to weasel their way in and out of any situation and come up smelling like a rose. They are pathological liars and controllers in every sense of the word and hide their hideous and perverted life. This is the sad reality of a human connection with them and when you keep that connection alive it turns personally disastrous and destructive as the truth becomes evident that they are not fully functioning human beings and they will take your life down with them. Don’t fall for it – NO/minimal contact! Greg

At its very core, Narcissism is very simple – it operates on the principle that the Narcissist’s COMPLETE convenience and NEEDS comes first AND MUST ALWAYS BE MET.

At its very core, Narcissism is very simple – it operates on the principle that the Narcissist’s COMPLETE convenience and NEEDS comes first AND MUST ALWAYS BE MET.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

A Narcissist lives in a world that is a self-made work of their delusional thoughts and actions, a product of their delusional imagination, a delusional façade that they create to pin all of their fake adornments on to be the amazing and omnipotent person that they BELIEVE they are – but the key word is DELUSIONAL because it is purely a self-serving world. It is all about appearances that are meant to DECEIVE people and draw them in. The Narcissist does not recognize individuality in people, instead people are mere objects to decorate or adorn the Narcissist’s world of lies and manipulation as well as support the huge façade – it is all about IMAGE and having ALL of their MANY needs met. We are the Narcissists audience that must continually praise their every word and action, as well as totally support their delusional façade that they are magnanimous human beings! The objects in the Narcissist’s world must not contradict the illusions or be BETTER than the Narcissist. So we all have our separate support roles, but more importantly we have to serve them and supply them with whatever it is that they want and for as long as they want us to.

This façade is the very tool that the Narcissist creates with all of his/her objects that affirms their invented reality. There is no continuity in this ‘false’ world because the Narcissist’s needs are so overwhelming that there are many little worlds in their one big fake world and each one is created with an individual flair for whomever the Narcissist is conning and using for whatever! My Narcissist had a few relationships on the side that I was not aware of! More than often the Narcissist can merely forget the present role they are playing or one of the many lies they have told and get discombobulated – but they are used to this and will deny any accountability about their inconsistency. I could always tell when there was someone new in my Narcissist’s life because of a new speech pattern, certain actions, or new words I never heard before because they basically morph into the new or newer supply! They will also borrow bits and pieces from their past relationships and intertwine them into present relationships because there is no ‘real’ personality to be found in a Narcissist so basically what you see or experience are things that they have learned from the past that help them take on the appearance that they are normal. They are predators that evolve with each and every new attack on another human being. We have to understand that this façade is the real agenda with these frauds no matter how emotionally attached we may feel. Simply put there is NOTHING real about them.

At its very core, Narcissism is very simple. It operates on the principle that the Narcissist’s COMPLETE convenience and NEEDS comes first AND MUST BE MET. This is not simple selfishness, it is the key component of Narcissism and goes all the way down to their “core” or what makes this Narcissist tick. So, whatever is convenient for them to believe about something is what they believe, AS LONG AS IT MEETS THEIR NEEDS. What that includes is how they construe events, how they construe other people, how they construe themselves – and all of this is done by a creature that has no empathy to care about their actions, lies and manipulation – just needs and only THEIR needs. Their reality is driven fundamentally by their needs and it is not a give and take relationship at all!

There are lies are in every aspect and at every level of their world, be it their ‘loving’ home life, with their family, their career, their religious affiliation, their friendships, organizations they engage in, etc. Lies at work, lies at church, lies at organizations, lies to friends, lies to the immediate family, lies to their significant other, lies to keep their secrets, just LIES UPON LIES! Yes, it seems like they are able to maintain some sort of stability with any given ‘so called relationship’, but that is only on the surface and it is just to support the bigger façade and usually based on complete and fake charm to achieve their abusive agenda.

They are amazingly good at it though! Think of the Narcissist as ‘The Pied Piper” that mesmerizes anybody that listens to his/her flute – and there are so MANY different and seductive tunes that trap most anybody. For example, you may believe that this Narcissist is exclusively yours but he/she has many other relationships going on even though they are pretending they are in a committed relationship with you. By compartmentalizing people, events, and actions with all of their secrets nobody is ever the wiser! They keep their dirty secrets hidden from the real world AND should you ever catch onto their lies they will defend themselves with more lies to protect themselves as well as destroy your integrity to stop you from getting at the truth or exposing them! You can also believe that Narcissist is probably quoting scriptures, preaching about how bad the world has become, preaching morality, and bragging about what a good parent they are too! But they are criticizing you and destroying your integrity behind your back while preaching on their pulpit to their many supporters that can’t see through the superficial charm. Oh, and yes, they are looking for and possibly securing new supply as they preach to everyone. Somebody always falls into their charm and lies!

Narcissists are just amoral with all of the crazy lies that are solely based on the Narcissist getting what they want and it is just that simple. Of course, they need to support the ‘great façade’ first and foremost so they fit into our world or else they would be rejected within a minute of meeting them if people only knew about the darkness inside of these creatures! Narcissists are here and walking among us to TAKE or a better yet extort what they can from every aspect of life through manipulating the greatest resource – PEOPLE. The emotional attachments we form with these critters are formed from the very lies that this Narcissist uses to drag us into their world! Lying to us about how much they love us is just what they do to get the game going. What a bizarre phenomenon to have to accept as a reality, or having to believe that another human being can con you into loving them so completely just so they can extort what they can from you and probably the person that is standing right there and next to you too. BUT again, they are so good at it and so seamless with their lies that we feel so personally attached to this warm and loving LIAR!

They will marry for years, even start a family and seem like a strong family person (mother or father,) but what goes on behind this horrendous façade (and in private) is a lying, destructive, and raging creature that couldn’t care less about their spouse or family. The Narcissist I knew used their marriage to cover up such a perverted lifestyle that it just saddens me to think that another human being could drag a family down to this level and walk away from them and even brag about their new lifestyle so openly AND inflicting more and more damage. They don’t care as long as they get exactly what they want! They lack any and all restraint when it comes to their needs as my Narcissist did and then turn it around and make light of their actions and even blame the ex-spouse. The truth I learned about my ex Narcissist and the destruction that this Narcissist inflicted on their ENTIRE family is beyond comprehension and should be criminal. This Narcissist to this day continues with the lies pretending to be an amazing parent with the silly minions that sing praises back to this Narcissist. I am also still an open target because of my writing and strong voice! The people that know the real truth (the family and other target/victims that were left with this delusional creature’s hate and damage,) are not any part of this adoring ‘peanut gallery’ that sing these praises – instead they are still the recipient of chaos and damage and stuck with this Narcissist. Does any of what I mentioned matter? The answer for me is no, but I am not in the direct firing line anymore – but if you have biological children and have to stay connected it can be a life of constant and disabling chaos dealing with them even if you have broken the emotional bond.

Life would be simple if we could just expose these critters, but unfortunately, they take their game to the highest level by abusing people to get their needs fulfilled. They take a target/victim to such a high with their lies that you can’t see the trees through the forest until it is too late! It is so personal to each person because the Narcissist knows how to get into your head and extract information to seem like they have so much in common with you! You feel this amazing love they have for you and then you are none the wiser that they are extorting your goodness, life and love while they are living their disgusting lifestyle in the darkness with whomever will participate. Families are created and years go by for so many targets/victims of this abuse and they are left trying to dig out from under all of the damage. Narcissists have troops all around them that have also bought into the façade and lies that support the Narcissist’s lies and games and they are none the wiser either. The Narcissist isn’t going to let you get near to the truth about the people they have abused, destroyed and left behind. They have buried all of those bodies under so many destructive lies that it would take a backhoe to dig them up and out from under all of the lies and destruction!

They get married and even their children become part of their huge façade and they easily leave them behind UNLESS they need them to shore up their façade/lies for some reason. Anybody that has children to a Narcissist knows this all too well – but Mommy or Daddy Narcissist will be there to pirate a family picture or occasion to use on social sites, and pretend that they are the most amazing and loving parent! Their minions all sing praises to the Narcissist just like they were trained to do. A picture is worth a thousand words – especially if you are a Narcissist that loves to post pictures for those praising words. The real parent does ALL of the work in raising the kids, as well as supports their real needs! You will never see much interaction from the children and family that have experienced so much disparity around the Narcissistic parent because they have lived the truth far too long and avoid contact as much as possible.

When a target/victim or ANY person falls out of favor the Narcissist will jump to action and do DAMAGE CONTROL rallying negative support against that person from everyone. They are like a heat seeking missile that is seeking out the target/victim that has fallen from the Narcissist’s grace! The target’s integrity is basically destroyed and they become an outcast (discarded!) This can continue for days, weeks, months or even years. It will only end when the target/victim has either groveled or begged sufficiently or the Narcissist has a new target to destroy in their delusional world and needs you back to strengthen their inner circle again so they raise your status back up so you support them again! The Narcissist calls ALL of the shots and decides when you have been sufficiently punished and shown sufficient remorse and all of it is dictated by the Narcissist’s needs once again. The Narcissist is a dictator in their world!

So, the coefficient here or what is common to every Narcissist is their pathological lying. The Narcissist presents this false self to the world, AND this false self is based on the image of who the Narcissist would like to be OR needs to be rather than what the Narcissist really is (a dark and soulless creature) and it changes with each and every new relationship. So basically, the main trait we MUST always associate with them is this outrageous and vindictive ‘lying’ that supports that false mask or front regarding the Narcissist’s supposed love for us, as well as the fake accomplishments/achievements, amazing lifestyle, fake morality, etc. Plus, we MUST actualize that the Narcissist’s compulsive and pathological lying means that the Narcissist will not be responsible or accountable for questionable actions BECAUSE they are aware they are lying and will defend themselves because it is the functioning component in their world. This Narcissist also uses projection, which means falsely accusing others of their crimes by dumping the shame and blame on them because it is some sort of delusional cleansing that the Narcissist uses. Narcissists also create third parties in their ‘camp’ as false allies, or to support a smear campaign against THOSE that dare oppose them. When applied vengefully, the Narcissist is capable of pathological lying to severely damage other people’s well-being and reputation. They are completely impenetrable and we have to accept this and move so far away from their distorted relationship with us or be destroyed! This is reality and this is abuse. Your freedom will bring you the clarity to move forward and start healing. No/minimal contact always. Greg

They do murder their target’s soul, destroy lives, and then put MORE blame back onto the target with a ‘smear campaign’ to seal the deal! Knowledge and education is IMPERATIVE to moving on.

They do murder their target’s soul, destroy lives, and then put MORE blame back onto the target with a ‘smear campaign’ to seal the deal! Knowledge and education is IMPERATIVE to moving on. Do not let anybody tell you differently because it is the first step to moving onto recovery with clarity and a true diagnosis of what happened to us and that it is NOT us but situational abuse.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Take a moment and look at yourself after your abuse and then compare that to when you started out on this hideous journey with them. If you would seriously take inventory you would see so many levels of loss, to the point that this Narcissist has basically disabled you emotionally and psychologically. Write everything down in a journal and make the comparison. Whatever you attempted to do in a positive manner was done because you believed in them – and it was snatched up by the Narcissist and then they beat you down and made what you did wrong. You only tried harder because there was no sense in their actions but somehow you believed that you did something wrong that needed fixed. Little by little they were murdering your heart, soul, and mind. This became a deceptive and debilitating dance with them, part of their plan to manage you down more and more to keep taking what they could and harm you more in the process. These are not just jerks, or users, these are destructive individuals that enjoy the chaos and harm they deliver as they extort your life away from you. That Narcissist (just like a thief) has pillaged and taken everything (emotionally and physically) they could, or all you had to give and then basically abandoned you for other supply! They conned you into believing they cared or LOVED you to get you under their spell to do all of this!

Narcissists manipulate in a manner to control their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything – this is chaos and crazy making meant to confound their target’s normal thoughts. This can be very evident at times, because it is a downright shocking situation and we have all been there shaking our heads in disbelief at what they have said or acted on. It can also be very subtle with many small manipulative and dehumanizing actions that disassemble the target/victim’s well-being slowly, consistently, and methodically. It is so perplexing that we actually disbelieve our very own ears and more than often we dismiss it and justify it by thinking it is anger, a bad day, insecurity, jealousy, or they have some wrong information about us — BUT, this constant and consistent behavior is intentional and meant to debase us. Unfortunately, we spend our time trying to fix the situation and avoiding the real truth that this is just one of their tools in their vast arsenal of control and ultimately ABUSE. Little by little this behavior erodes the target/victim’s self-worth and creates an almost obsessive situation where the target/victim is constantly trying to avoid the conflict, keeping things peaceful, and walking on eggshells. There is never the opportunity for a “healthy self” in this relationship and you become a casualty of the constant psychological terrorism or abuse – essentially you become a shell of a person.

What does a narcissist do when we demand our individuality? They cut us down into the smallest pieces they can to CONTROL US. They have numerous tools in their arsenal, but one of the most efficient of all is replacing us with another person. What is the message the Narcissist is sending? It is no big deal to find another person to fill your shoes – but in reality they MUST constantly stay in motion because anybody that has any type of personal relationship with them eventually sees behind their façade. The Narcissist NEEDS supply like an addict needs their next fix of their drug of choice. So, what goes along with this is that Narcissists definitely operate out of their fear of being exposed ESPECIALLY the truth about their perverse and disordered lifestyle. Unfortunately they NEED us to extract supply, but they can’t keep up their façade forever because they are out-of-control, so they jump from one relationship to another and abuse another person, their family, their total life.

This truth is crazy to comprehend, but it depicts the true nature of a relationship with a Narcissist and they just go on with life switching out their partners like buying a new pair of shoes and leaving their destruction behind them. This even includes their own biological children or essentially anybody that had any personal interactions with them. No/minimal contact to start on the road to a recovery and a healthy new life. Greg

You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an old illusion you hang onto that things COULD be right again because he/she (the Narcissist) pulls you back every time they push you away.

You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an old illusion you hang onto that things COULD be right again because he/she (the Narcissist) pulls you back every time they push you away. You try to make sense out of all of this but instead you CONSTANTLY feel lost, confused and walking on those eggshells.

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Within the cycle of abuse with a Narcissist AND having to deal with all of the chaos, accusations, the constant blame, shame and punishment the target/victim only TRIES to make sense of the Narcissist’s hurtful behaviors in an attempt to fix things by overcompensating. By constantly engaging with the Narcissist it becomes too tangible or the victim’s new reality in a distorted and disabling manner. The Narcissist completely steers the direction by always reinforcing their technique with equal parts of love/charm and pain/harm creating a desperation that keeps the victim caught up in this overcompensating to get back to that cohesive and loving part of the relationship they once knew! Add to this the frequent belittlement in the manner a Narcissist will dismiss anything that is exciting or that inspires a target/victim. A Narcissist will crush any attempts from the target/victim to make sense of their agenda and keep the target CONSTANTLY confused and walking on those eggshells or off balance or basically always being in control of the victim disabling them emotionally AND psychologically. So, let’s call this what it is or emotional and psychological abuse!

Any dissention from a victim harms the Narcissist’s flow and need to feel superior or the omnipotent one in any relationship AND most importantly getting the constant admiration that they need OR the supply they are desperately after. The Narcissist has a pathological envy of everything real and normal in people, because it discounts the Narcissist’s reality or better yet lack of reality and makes them aware of their shortcomings of WHO they THINK they are. This is expressed in varying degrees throughout the devaluation, discard and horrific smear campaign where they will trample their target/victim’s integrity into the ground to support their superior facade. Anyone who has shared a life with a Narcissist recognizes the chronic dispensation of such double standards and the many manifestations across all areas of life where rules and laws are applied that the Narcissist NEVER abides by. It is especially evident with children who have been raised by a Narcissistic parent or with this desperate, confusing, and disabling love!

As a consequence of this constant uncertainty is the consistent self-doubt and feeling of worthlessness that manifests itself in the target/victim’s heart and mind. The Narcissist is not only manipulating the mind but also tugging at the heartstrings of the target or victim to stay in control. If you do this I will love you, but it you don’t follow my exact rules and laws I will punish you, terrorize you demean, dehumanize you, AND leave you – not a very tangible approach to any sort of viable relationship. Basically, it is a very dehumanizing form of conditioning and subjugation of a human being and WRONG at every level – THIS is why it is labeled abuse and why THEY are labeled personality disordered.

This constant blend of abusive and charming behavior with the victim is very common with a tyrannical Narcissist and basically describes the need to control their environment or that manipulative conditioning to keep the victim off guard and totally lost in confusion. For the target/victim it is a toxic osmosis from the devaluation effect of being in the presence of and angry and spiritually draining creature. So, the Narcissist is not in this dance just for positive supply, we are a dumping ground for their toxicity as well and that is what damages the soul and destroys a person’s complete belief system. The Narcissist uses that manipulative and confusing component of equal parts pain and compassion or love and desperation in a manner to make their targets/victims feel that there is that small glimmer of hope that is coming from the Narcissist’s unconditional and loving soul and THAT is what keeps the victim engaged. Unfortunately, that soul if it exists is neither loving nor unconditional. It is dark, empty and knows nothing about real love, truth or the reality of respecting life – but it does know how to extort whatever it can from a victim even if that means destroying them completely.

The most heartbreaking effect of these disorienting double standards is the utter confusion about what is considered right and wrong when sharing a world with a Narcissist. The double standards seem to trade places constantly throughout the relationship. The Narcissist creates standards, morals and laws for everybody around them but they themselves do not respect or follow ANY of their own rules or standards and constantly change them to meet THEIR personal needs in any given situation. The end result is the victim never has a real voice because of the ever-changing rules and standards and the victim is always the one at fault. A Narcissist will NEVER validate a positive reality or experience for another human being, but instead trap their targets/victims in a fun house maze of mirrors that never reflect an accurate image. The target/victim runs through that fun-house maze of mirrors seeing their reflection as different and ever changing or a static and inaccurate image that is ever-changing. Those who have lived through this know how this easily manipulates and implants itself into a deep-seated belief that one’s interpretation of reality, especially when reality is ambiguous or uncertain, is always the wrong one, the faulty one, the one fully invalidated by the mere existence of the Narcissist’s manipulative interpretation to control people!

Never, never just listen to the Narcissists words, but instead observe the behavior that they back up any of the words they use. Behavior is how we can completely assess the reality of what a person is truly offering us. Words are a Narcissists main tools to make their con job functional and rewarding to themselves! You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an illusion of everything being right (because he/she tells you so) and this is a very hard thing to accept. If it feels wrong, it is wrong.

What goes along with this is staying out of the Narcissist’s head! Don’t try to figure out what they are up to or what’s going on in their lives, what’s in their mind, or second guess them. Getting into a Narcissist’s head means trying to figure out their motives, trying to make excuses for them, trying to rationalize their behavior, maybe even trying to manipulate them, and all this does is gets you sucked right back into the content of the chaos, crazymaking, and abuse again! They trained you well to always think about them, so that it deflects away from the truth that they are the problem, the sick one, and the abusive personality and you turn it around to see what YOU can do to fix this, fix THEM, or even accept the blame that this is ALL your fault.

When you catch yourself thinking about them and trying to gain some relevant information that will help you out in some way, just remember NOTHING is relevant about them except that they lie, cheat, manipulate, steal, use, betray, backstab, brainwash, triangulate, extort lives away from people, and psychologically rape people’s minds. Just don’t try to figure out anything they do because the reason behind everything they do is ALWAYS self-serving and full of chaos, manipulation, and lies. What in any of that do you want or need to understand — they are just dangerous to human life! If there really was love you would be together in a manner that there would not be so many issues and always having to explain yourself and feeling so traumatized.

For those who are in doubt of their relationship, read, absorb, and process the truth about Narcissistic behaviors – in other words get a strong education so you can align with the truth of this personality disorder. Keep in mind that toxic people can be mothers, fathers, siblings, coworkers, clergy and religious leaders, politicians, co-workers, bosses, health professionals, romantic partners or anybody in your world. These people, for whatever reason, feel no remorse or empathy, and display no conscience in their interactions with other human beings. They use, abuse, and discard their source targets for a variety of reasons, be it sex, money, status, or a sense of power but again they do what they do because they are self-serving OR they are after something that you have and they will do whatever to get it and then destroy your integrity after they have gotten what they came for. They are what they are and will remain that way – only their tactics change and evolve as each new target is acquired. There is no reason to maintain any type of “relationship” with another human being whose only goal in their lifetime is to target and dismantle other human beings for their own selfish purposes – none. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

There is NOTHING real about them – it is all about the façade they create for us personally to DRAG and TRAP us into a specific agenda they have in mind for us!

There is NOTHING real about them – it is all about the façade they create for us personally to DRAG and TRAP us into a specific agenda they have in mind for us! It is very hard to wrap your head around something or specifically something as diabolical as emotional and psychological abuse. YES this classifies them as predators that disguise themselves and ‘hide in plain sight’ among us!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Here is where the big game of manipulation begins. They snuggle right up to your emotions and mimic them to create an amazing connection and having so much in common. Add to the equation that they are charming, and intoxicating. They seduce their prey into their lair with lies and manipulation. They create a perfect friendship, family connection, bond or love story for us and seriously it is only a story and one written precisely for us. It is a calculated move on the Narcissist’s part to figure out exactly how to find a place in our heart through our minds. They are quite good at it because in the end they have fooled us or better yet conned us to get us to a place where they will take advantage of our trust AND generosity.

There is no “one” real person inside of them that is fully functioning or normal, instead there are many made up facsimiles of people they use to cover up their dark reality to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people. SO, it follows that there is no proper internal mechanism that exists or functions as it relates to a Narcissist having a normal and functioning ‘personality’ that can relate in a healthy manner with the outside world and the people in it. The reality that exists (and I am very loosely using that word reality) is a thin veneer or skin that is like a mask and costume they CREATE and wear that corresponds with their needs at any given moment TO TRAP ANOTHER TARGET/VICTIM. It is very interchangeable at any given moment as well, so it fools the rest of the world and protects the Narcissist from being EXPOSED as the abusive person that they are.

They are like a chameleon that is able to change the color of its skin to match its environment and they are amazingly adept at this. The Narcissist disengages, detaches, or un-knows their dark inner self and easily identifies with something external and creates (or wears) this projected ‘good’ image instead – and there you have it a different person for every different ‘need’. That need is usually to trick their targets and use them as ‘Narcissistic Supply’ and just a major component of their survival (again they need us for SUPPLY.) Basically their functioning image is the biggest lie that this extortionist uses in their arsenal of deceit or ABUSE. Or as my friend said ‘compartmentalization’ – they compartmentalize us to fit the many different and exacting needs they have for each of us.

To a Narcissist it is just another day with no real thought or remorse to any of their adverse actions. They WANT something so they go after it and there are no rules or laws that they abide by as it concerns any harm they cause to people. Don’t forget that there is also NO empathy, so they don’t know ‘love’ or even have a clue what it feels like, but interestingly enough they mimic it very well. What an amazing and well thought out plan a Narcissist develops and uses to secure their supply that shouts out PREDATOR! Greg

The abuse messages from a Narcissist are like an avalanche of so many confusing and debilitating thoughts that leave a target/victim feeling like there is no place to start as far as recovering – but there is once you move on and away from the chaos and allow clarity, knowledge, education, and the truth deprogram those destructive messages

The abuse messages from a Narcissist are like an avalanche of so many confusing and debilitating thoughts that leave a target/victim feeling like there is no place to start as far as recovering – but there is once you move on and away from the chaos and allow clarity, knowledge, education, and the truth deprogram those destructive messages

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Recognizing and understanding emotional/psychological abuse is definitely where we must start. What I mean about this is completely actualizing the truth that we were abused by a personality disordered individual and this was situational and had NOTHING to do with us. This is a necessary process of validation so we can purge out all of the negativity and feelings of worthlessness that have been forced down our throats and into our conscious and sub-conscious mind from the manipulative control and mind games of a Narcissist. We have to start by having or getting back a healthy relationship with ourselves and STOP beating ourselves up with the repetitive messages that play in our minds that somehow we were the cause of anything that would enable another person to abuse us, we were foolish, or worse yet that we deserved this abuse.

We MUST stop defining ourselves through those negative messages from our abuser and redefine ourselves with new, NORMAL, and positive messages. We have to switch our energy back into ourselves and away from the Narcissist and the abuse we experienced. We need a mental health vacation so to speak so we gain the necessary clarity to start the recovery process. This is a must and what got me to my recovery. My point here is that a strong education and knowledge of this abuse and the personality disordered Narcissist will give you that ‘ah ha’ moment where you see that this wasn’t YOU being crazy, worthless, wrong, bad, obsessed, a horrible person, or any of the negative things the Narcissist described you as. You will also understand that this abuse disabled and traumatized you emotionally and psychologically with extreme manipulation, gas lighting, and YES even brain washing. That is what slowly but surely managed you down to believe the atrocities that the Narcissist accused you of throughout this entire relationship with them and has you feeling so lost, empty, and stuck after the discard or parting from this Narcissist. This abuse can only be described as sadistic and from a severely disordered person that MEANT to inflict this harm onto you.

I can probably recite verbatim how you spend so many of your days feeling so alone and confused about your situation. Days that you probably feel like you just wanted to lay down on the couch and hide from the world. You probably feel such an overwhelming tidal wave of negative emotions flushing through you. These emotions are real because you BELIEVED this was love but what is at the root of this is the psychological abuse that managed you down to feel so worthless now and it is all so conflicting in your head! It is a mix of emotional withdrawal from the relationship ending so abruptly as well as the overwhelming confusion as to why this happened and all the hate that is surrounding you from your abuser. There are no answers at your fingertips just this overwhelming sense of doom. Even though you know you were fighting an uphill battle every day you were with this Narcissist it may still seem very real to you. This all has to be put into the correct perspective so you realize that even though your love was real (to you) it wasn’t real to the person that purposely abused and extorted your love as well as put you into this place that disabled you.

You feel worthless, physically unattractive, anxious, and depression sneaks its way into the equation and you just want to find a way to end all of the pain. Your first thoughts are to contact your Narcissist, but you are guarded and even scheming about how you can make contact without seeming interested JUST TO GET A SMALL CHANCE at some sort of connection and even a reconciliation or SOMETHING to ease this pain. This is just all of your distorted realities that you have become accustomed to from being a prisoner of this abuse with your tormentor, but THIS time it is different because this is the BIG discard. But what sits in the back of your mind is that you have felt like you have been discarded many times before and is it any different this time? Your mind is still locked up in the confusion you only knew throughout your relationship with them. But then the realization sets in that they are off and into another person (supply) and that eats at your soul.

All of this keeps you running in a circle and you are jumping from one distortion to another and never accomplishing anything but adding more to your own grief and more and more levels of confusion to an already confused state of mind. It is exhausting and it feels like there is no way out. You even feel fearful of life in general and lacking a general consciousness of the reality around you. There doesn’t seem to be any relief and you almost feel like you are completely losing your mind and headed straight toward a mental breakdown or even insanity. It is just TOO OVERWHELMING. This is why you have to move on and away from these thoughts and that Narcissist completely. It is your survival and your life at stake now. This is so different from any other breakup you may have experienced in the past (with a normal person) and THAT is the emotional and psychological damage that has been inflicted on you by this Narcissist!

Everything is one huge confusing blur. It is like someone has wrapped you up in layer upon layer of darkness, fear, angst, confusion, depression, anxiety, pain, sleeplessness and everything you have never experienced before. You feel like you are completely disabled. You are forgetful and just don’t seem to care. ALL OF THIS IS TRAUMA from being abused. You probably don’t sleep well and if you do you have nightmares. How do you fix this? How do you get them out of your mind? How do you move forward? Who do you turn to? People listen but they don’t see the severity of the situation! You are reaching out to a world that doesn’t understand how debilitating this abuse is because they don’t see a black and blue mark on your body or a broken arm, but the truth is that you are so lost in all of this wondering who you can turn to for HELP! You have been injured but the scars are on the inside where nobody can see them so your abuse is INVISIBLE to everyone but yourself. So is it real or what the heck is going on. IT IS REAL – enough said!

This realization is the MOST DIFFICULT aspect because you must accept what happened and that is so painful because you must internalize this knowledge and act upon it. Here is the thing the real knowledge that they are a Narcissist is basically new to you even though you have suspected that there is something terribly wrong with them. What is new is that you now realize that there is a name to this and you have been abused by a Narcissist and NONE of this is your fault.

The process of recovery is even new and foreign as far as it concerns the help that is available. Our stories are incredulous and people don’t seem to want to hear them, believe them or help us more than a pat on the back. This creature is probably in a new relationship and flaunting it in your face. You are finding out that your good name and integrity has been smeared to the very people that mean the most to you AND GUESS WHAT – some even believe the lying Narcissist because he/she has so much knowledge of your personal world and is now using it against you. THIS NARCISISST IS SAYING THAT YOU ABUSED THEM. You feel like everywhere you turn there is more and more damage, and more and more things you don’t understand BUT YOU WILL.

Could someone be this dark or even evil every minute of every day you spent with them and this was really abuse and using you as supply? Yes, yes, yes and a big resounding YES TO THIS! You feel foolish and even stupid as if you were just that dumb. It is like a snowball that turns into an avalanche and it buries you because it is abuse at so many levels that digging out seems to be an impossible feat. I hated saying the word ABUSE or feeling I was a VICTIM because it described me as being weak. BUT I am here to tell you and now shout it out that I was a target/victim of abuse and it was internalizing this that was my turning point and realizing just how pathetic and perverted this person is to live in this manner, so much so that human life means NOTHING to them. I was not weak but instead I was strong to internalize the truth and move forward with it to recover and so are YOU!

It isn’t just about the emotional attachment (love), now it is about accepting that you loved a monster. Somehow that just doesn’t fix/end the emotional attachment that you built up over time that you thought was real, nor does it help you understand this about face rejection and the hate that is now being spewed out at you. How do you legitimately acknowledge this to yourself, yet alone to the world so that you can find support to get past this? You are frozen in this cycle of abuse and this is exactly where that Narcissist wants you to be or vulnerable so they can escape from the exposure of what they are.

WHY – because they are delusional, toxic, and abusive to ALL people in their world. This works for them because they just don’t care and they lack the internal mechanisms to do so. You only have to ask yourself if you would ever act out against people that love you – even your family, biological children – anyone for that matter. Your answer is NO and the reason why – because you are normal, you love unconditionally and you have empathy. This is totally out of your realm of normality and acceptance.

You will never be able to completely wrap your head around this as in understanding a Narcissist because your empathy will not allow you to EVER acknowledge this, BUT you MUST internalize this to move you to a higher plane. You were always in question of the reality of this relationship but unfortunately the psychological aspect of their abuse brain-washed you to love them and from there you only plugged in the natural aspects of loving another person in a real way and always trying harder – BUT, the ugly truth has finally reared its face as it concerns your relationship with a Narcissist. Education will reinforce what has happened to you and allow you to see that you were not the cause of this abuse. This is a learning process that is laced with emotional anguish and pain but we have to achieve closure and the only way to do so is to reject this Narcissist so completely to allow the truth to repair everything that has been broken in you.

When we seek out the knowledge as well as the support of other victims and survivors that is when we understand that we are not ALONE in what we experienced OR what we are feeling AND there is help out there. The education and knowledge will give you perspective enough to help offset the vast confusion and disabling effects of the abuse and give you a new direction, truth/validation, understanding that you are OK, that you CAN move forward, that there is a name to this as well other people that HAVE experienced this and recovered. The further you walk forward into this knowledge the more you will learn about recovery, who to reach out to, the support systems available, solutions, answers and so much more! YOU are amazing, YOU are strong, and YOU can and will recover from this when you empower yourself with the knowledge that will lead you to the truth of your situation and closure. This is a personal journey and a process that you must commit to because what is at stake is your life, well-being, happiness, and a healthy future where you can and will return to the world again. No/minimum contact to start on your journey! Greg

Gaslighting – manipulating someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity! The point here is that this is INTENTIONAL abuse to corrupt your normal.

Gaslighting – manipulating someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity! The point here is that this is INTENTIONAL abuse to corrupt your normal. It all starts out with the perpetrator gaining our trust first! Please feel free to add to this list through your own personal experiences.

From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

In any type of relationship when communication and thoughts are not nurtured in a process to validate another person BUT instead used to manipulate, all areas of the relationship are affected. Communication is the open door that allows two people to exchange cognitive and personal thoughts, to enable growth. We are independent beings that have purpose and we exchange our thoughts normally by accepting our relative differences. The Narcissist manipulates in such a way to cause false interpretations of all of our cognitive processes to distort reality and make them fail and become disabled. When we are manipulated in this manner it affects those important skills that we use on a daily basis. It is like we lose our motivation to be effective with simple matters in our personal life or even block our ability to concentrate and learn because we were manipulated in a manner to constantly question ourselves from someone we BELIEVED we could trust and more than likely someone we loved. This is betrayal in the most extreme manner and describes just how sick a Narcissist is to use our love to create and administer their hate and destruction – AND WHY? Our mind is linked to so many internal processes, and when it is psychologically wounded, other areas will also be affected just like a disease that will spread unless treated – even causing physical damage. It can take its toll and cause long term problems linked to trauma.

It is akin to being a prisoner of war with brain-washing, gas-lighting, extreme manipulation of facts, or psychological terrorism. Some of those areas that become affected are; our attention span, our day to day memory, how we process things in our daily life, our long/short term memory, how we see and hear things AND our logic and reasoning abilities. AGAIN this is basically brain-washing in an effort to slowly but methodically break us down and render us useless as an independent thinking and speaking being – Narcissist do not allow individuality because they are cruel dictators. This is what describes the abuse, and this is what is damaging to the target/victim’s well-being as far as it concerns the psychological abuse that is imposed on you/us. The most striking aspect of this is that it is dealt to us in a slow and insidious manner like being around a slowly leaking and poisonous gas that has no apparent smell so we don’t know the danger we are in because we take it in slowly and when we finally realize, the damage is already done.

So to encapsulate this Narcissists play psychological and emotional games to break us down or CONTROL us. This is done for the sole purpose of extracting all they can by confusing and disabling us – AND from multiple targets at the same time (factor in their daily interactions with friends, family, and at their workplace, etc.) There is never one real working relationship with anybody that DOESN’T include this abhorrent manipulation. We are all a means to an end with a Narcissist and that is extracting their supply and destroying people in the process! No/minimal contact to break the cycle of this abuse. Greg

It is time to completely end this relationship, break that fake bond that we were manipulated into believing was real, and empower ourselves with the truth that THIS WAS ABUSE by a personality disordered person.

It is time to completely end this relationship, break that fake bond that we were manipulated into believing was real, and empower ourselves with the truth that THIS WAS ABUSE by a personality disordered person. You deserve freedom, life, love, respect and the dignity that ALL human beings deserve.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

This is not just ending a relationship and grieving the emotional connection with another person – this was emotional and psychological abuse that traumatizes the victim! This abuse is debilitating and the victim needs love, help, support and most importantly heard and understood so that they can move forward and get the necessary help and then go back out into the world feeling mentally, emotionally and physically healthy again AND to be able to trust people.

Let’s unpack this all with the REAL truth about this abuse and put it out there in a manner to understand exactly what happened to you from being in this relationship with a Narcissist! This type of abuse has exposed you to horrible manipulation, confusion, betrayal, resounding fear and terror because of the coercive methods from the Narcissist as well as dehumanizing control and TRAUMA. It is not the target/victim JUST grieving the loss of love, it is the grieving of the dehumanization and subjugation from their perpetrator or the Narcissist. The target/victim bundles everything up and somehow even blames themselves as if they created everything they are feeling as well as deserve it because of the Narcissist’s destructive and manipulative messages. There may be biological children involved, financial ruin and character assassination waiting for the target/victim as well the Narcissist’s smear campaign that is in place that destroys the target’s integrity. This is probably the darkest time of the target/victim’s life having to deal with the total devaluation, discard, and devastation from someone that they BELIEVED loved them and cared for them! This is betrayal so hideous that a person that has never experienced this abuse could NEVER even start to realize the damage that is done to a target/victim and the extreme trauma it causes them and their life.

Time alone does not heal these wounds! Unfortunately for the target/victim there is the tendency where family, friends, loved ones, or people in general will discount the target/victim’s behavior as flaws in THEIR personality as if they gave into or deserved the abuse because they did not leave the Narcissist. Nobody is listening to the real truth of your situation because it sounds so incredulous so the pleas for help are lost with the misinterpretation of your situation. Once AGAIN, the target/victim is left with more isolation, damage, vulnerable AND alone to figure this out on their own. Most people just presume that THEY would have been more resourceful or show greater courage, strength, and resistance if THEY were the victim and in similar circumstances. They will just tell the target/victim to move on and allow time to heal the wounds. What does this message say or do to the target/victim? It makes them BELIEVE that they ARE the source of their own problems and it is reinforcing the abuse from the Narcissist instead of helping. This is a very lonely and scary place to be!

With emotional and psychological battering or abuse victims are entrapped by extreme manipulative and psychological persuasion over a lengthy period of time or basically brainwashing and horrific control that isolates them and their reality. What was the nature of our perpetrator when we met them? Did they have us at gunpoint forcing us into this psychological terrorism or did they offer us something so very familiar, normal, trustworthy and welcoming called LOVE? Yes, they did and if that doesn’t define a predator I don’t know what does! I have met very many wonderful friends that were victims of this abuse from all over the world since I started writing that I interact with daily and they are some of the strongest and most centered people I have ever encountered. There isn’t anything about them that shouts out to me that they allowed their abuse! They are full of love, empathy and high functioning individuals!

Well let’s go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let’s define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced and unhealthy and basically not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or they are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims. The key words that describes the whole cycle of abuse is love-bombing, devaluation, discard and I always add smearing or destroying the victim’s integrity and most importantly traumatization! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled and it was imposed onto us and situation meaning the Narcissist did this with the intent to manipulate, betray, and extort what they could.

The journey to recovery is now a process because we were unconsciously living and dealing with all the destructive messages we internalized that validated our reality or new normal by being with this personality disordered Narcissist. We MUST seek out education about this abuse and the truth about our situation as a key to unlock the door to our recovery. Yes, those messages are going to be in our head for a good while BUT we have to create a healthy balance and desensitize them with a strong education about these perpetrators and this personality disorder. What this means is that we have to move into a place where it is possible for us to recognize that a person HAS betrayed us in a manner to control us through psychological and emotional l abuse. We have to think about it in terms to validate the truth of the situation, but not to try to dissect the Narcissist and put our energy into trying to get into their heads or constantly reliving the abuse with more and more questions as if we could have done something to fix this relationship and the Narcissist. We spent a great deal of time trying to fix or basically heal them and we gave away too much of ourselves and it ONLY yielded more abuse. Turn this around and accept the truth that they are completely disordered and put that healing power back into yourself.

The recovery process is so multi-dimensional that it means that there are really no simple answers to the question “how do I stop the pain and what do I do to move forward with my recovery?” There are answers that we need to have in the beginning of our recovery but they are basically concerning the educational process and a tried and true direction so we are ‘in the know’ about this disorder and can get our ‘ah ha’ moment and move forward with the truth.

The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure – UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation and abuse. Believe me they are not going to help you through your process of recovery when they were your abuser. They have probably already run off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. That would pull you right back into the trauma, chaos, and more confusion that you are trying to heal from already as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along.

Seriously I had to shut my Narcissist down with complete no-contact or go insane listening to the craziness! It was crystal clear what I was dealing with and I did shut it down. I would still be receiving emails and text messages to this day if I didn’t. It was like a party to this Narcissist being able to have free range raging at me, making fun of me, telling me sick and perverted stories of their crazy sex life, and projecting every horrendous thing this Narcissist did ‘onto and into’ me. That was enough for me to actualize just how dysfunctional this person was/is. Seeing and hearing them when their mask is off is frightening and eye opening. It was like projectile lies and ‘crazy making’ being shot at me from everywhere.

It is important for all of us to be validated as it concerns this abuse but that validation has to come from ourselves because a Narcissist is NEVER going to allow themselves to be exposed as an abuser. In fact, that Narcissist is STILL abusing AFTER THE FACT through a vicious smear campaign using every piece of personal information they have learned about you against you now. This is just more of their devaluation and when they abandon you they mean to leave no trace of your reality in tact SO THEY CAN FEEL SAFE and avoid exposure! If that doesn’t describe a vile and offensive enemy I don’t know what will. They are not your lover, friend or anything but an enemy when they are running off to newer supply.

The Narcissist has manipulated and managed us down and into not trusting OUR own feelings and perceptions. Over the years we internalized this twisted and distorted relationship and bent our own emotions until we almost snapped in half in an effort to fix the relationship we THOUGHT we had. We can’t buy into those distortions and also expect to recover. That process is still running through our heads even though they have physically parted from our lives and we MUST shut these thoughts down. It was a horrendous roller coaster ride to keep us in a state of confusion and fear with so many ups and downs with no end to the ride and now it is time to jump off.

As hard as it may seem for us to purge all of the abuse out of us, it CAN be done. We were normal and psychologically sound people pre-Narcissist and we can get back to what and who we once were. It does require deep introspection and setting up new and strong boundaries in our life and even taking a look at our part in any of this. There are many theories out there and they all have their purpose, but it has to begin with us. Get healthy first by breaking completely away from the emotional tie or that bond that was born from the charming lies of a Narcissist. This can be done with minimal contact as well (when there are divorce proceedings or biological children) – BUT everything that ties you to a Narcissist has to be BUSINESS only because remember they abuse and want to always have that control over you to drag you back in – DON’T let them.

You HAVE the ability to change if you deprogram the messages that have been imprinted on your mind but only if you ALLOW yourself to be your OWN motivator in this process. Just say ‘NO’ to the Narcissist. Remember the old drug campaign that showed an egg as describing your ‘healthy’ brain, and then it showed that same egg in a frying pan stating this is your brain on drugs (the fried egg.) Well just switch that around to the fried egg being your brain by accepting a Narcissist as any part of your life or recovery. Please understand no/minimal contact and start on your road to recovery, it is imperative to moving on! All of this starts with no/minimum contact! Greg

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