SO important for all of us to understand and embrace because this is SO absolutely true for survivors of this abuse. It is NOT something that you just get over – that is why it is called a ‘recovery process’ and time is a major part of the process to get there. Never let anyone diminish your recovery by telling you to “just get over it” or “YOU need to move on!”

SO important for all of us to understand and embrace because this is SO absolutely true for survivors of this abuse. It is NOT something that you just get over – that is why it is called a ‘recovery process’ and time is a major part of the process to get there. Never let anyone diminish your recovery by telling you to “just get over it” or “YOU need to move on!”

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

We do not JUST move on! We talk and voice our concerns because we first need to be heard, we educate ourselves about this abuse so we KNOW what we are dealing with, we reach out for sound support, we strive DAILY to move forward, we feel pain and betrayal that we need to reconcile, we do deep introspection to purge the poison of this abuse out of our heart, mind and soul, we create STRONG boundaries to never allow this abuse into our lives again, we have to learn how to trust again so we can go back to a healthy emotional life, we disconnect from this Narcissist (heart, mind and soul) and with NO/minimal contact, AND we work on this EVERY day of our lives until we get healthy again – this is a process that requires time – not just simple words to JUST MOVE ON. Those words just add another level of abuse by invalidating, silencing, and isolating us. There is NO magical cure that will fix us immediately! TOGETHER we heal!

So, a little bit more of the reprograming aspect to start out on this journey to recovery:

Really the most important aspect is convincing ourselves that this was a Narcissist. Until we get there we will only remain in a confused state, blaming ourselves and reaching back to find out what WE did wrong. This only adds our own layers to this abuse. YIKES!! What I can say through my experience is that everything does fall into place, but the process takes education, time, real support from other targets/victims and a great deal of energy to purge all the negativity out of us before we move forward. Don’t forget we can and will fall backwards and that again is just part of the process, and we learn from our mistakes. There is also the overwhelming exhaustion from carrying so much anxiety and the trauma, and that surfaces as physical ailments. So, so much to deal with and then there is more than likely a ‘smear campaign’ that is waiting for us and SUDDENLY we are the bad guy.

Who could EVER believe the truth that presented itself to us and lives in us about this abuse and how someone just used us for the time they did and how they were inclined to destroy us as well? It is still hard for me to accept, but I know better because I lived through it and the truth is right there to back it up. What I cannot believe is that there are human beings capable of this and as a normal person with empathy it is not within my realm to understand them! That says a great deal within my words. If after experiencing and recovering from this abuse it is still hard for a person of empathy to get it completely. But what I learned is that I do not have to ‘get it’ so completely, I just have to understand it and accept the truth to forget about that Narcissist because they are what they are and that HAS to be enough. Knowing and believing this enables you to move forward and work on everything else that involves getting healthy. Do not waste your time on getting into their heads, or trying to understand them, or trying to fix THEM because you are only denying the truth YOU ALREADY KNOW! It is now time for you to get past this psychological abuse so you can enter back into a great world feeling healthy! It is a necessity to focus on yourself!

When you came out of this you felt like you were in a fog, or better yet that your reality was altered and basically it was through the slow process of brainwashing and the manipulation from your perpetrator. You are traumatized, confounded, and confused and wondering what hit you squarely in the brain. We are functioning, but not as we once did. If we were the person, we were before this abuse we would have had a much clearer perspective AFTER discard, but unfortunately, we are not that person anymore. We have gained the knowledge, but we are vulnerable and damaged, so we really struggle.

We were not in denial in the beginning we were tricked, conned, manipulated, etc. But here is the point we also never realized this in its entirety while we were with them and WHY? Well because the agenda of the Narcissist was not apparent, and the manipulation was subtle and consistent. We were always drawn back into the abuse through Narcissistic magic or trickery. Day by day we were managed down more and more through the Narcissist’s vast arsenal of tools to the point that we were not in our original state of conscious thinking – our reality was altered by our perpetrator so they could harvest us as supply!

One last point! So many times, our family seems like they do not care. This may be true for some, but for the most part remember that our stories are incredulous and personal to us. They do not know how deep the abuse is and deeply rooted in our subconscious OR even understand what it is. It is not as personal to them as it is to us. We would have to drag them through every day of the abuse while we were living it for them to actually get it – and to explain it would take just as long. They would also have to experience every day that we grieve (after the discard) to see how isolated and disconnected we have become because of the abuse. It doesn’t say that it is OK for people to shun us because it all sounds so unreal, BUT they do know, and they would be there for you when you really needed them. Nobody can understand how the target/victim needs to keep repeating things over and over again because it is within this process that targets/victims purge the abuse outward. Our voice is the tool for others to hear to gain support as well as to vocalize and actualize the truth. There is no closure with these creatures, so how do we become validated? We search for that validation through our voices until we find something that we can turn to that HELPS. Without validation we will just run in a circle chasing our tails. We do eventually find validation within our personal truths.

We are very inquisitive creatures, and we know none of what happened to us can be ALL our fault! We were not problematic in our other relationships, or mentally ill, insane AND everything else we were led to believe – SO WHAT IS UP? That is what gets us out there searching on the internet, or seeking support through the behavioral sciences, etc. But once we start traveling through all of the questions and confusion, we find some answers and usually when we hear the real stories of survivors or other victims. We start to see the similarities and find the validation we deserve.

You are an amazing person that can change and move onto a healthy recovery. It is a process that requires time. It is time to accept the reality that this was situational abuse and to take YOUR power back by discarding EVRYTHING about this Narcissist out of your world and life and that starts with no/minimal contact. The next step is gaining all the knowledge and support you can by using your voice to speak out and ask questions. Other victims and survivors will help move you through your recovery. Together we heal. Greg

There is NOTHING real about who the Narcissist projects that they are! THAT is just their mask, façade, made for ‘public viewing’ personality! They are FAKE, completely, and unequivocally FAKE right to their core!  

There is NOTHING real about who the Narcissist projects that they are! THAT is just their mask, façade, made for ‘public viewing’ personality! They are FAKE, completely, and unequivocally FAKE right to their core!  

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

FIRST and FOREMOST, most of us friended, cared for, were a child of, or fell in love with one of these Oscar/Emmy award winning actor Narcissists. BUT of course, it was FAKE, not real, a con job and a means for them to use us as Narcissistic supply. Huge and I mean an ABSOLUTELY huge betrayal and the sign of a highly disordered individual, so implant this message firmly into your mind! They thrive on admiration, so they select an audience or a particular person that fulfills their particular need at any particular time that they have that need and that is key here. We were all objectified to fulfill THEIR NEEDS. Like a great actor, a Narcissist draws from the audience/person to create a reality that is believable and we, as the audience, become engaged with the complete story, emotions, beliefs, feelings, and all. We empathize with the character in that fake script, and we believe that show they put on for us.

The Narcissist is just like that actor, but he/she is not doing it for entertainment purposes – this is their whole life and reality that is ALL based on lies. We do not know it is a huge con job at the time because our hearts are ruling our heads and we don’t know that he/she (the person we are with) is not a fully functioning human being as well that lacks any and all empathy. Furthermore, we do not know they are abusive and will destroy our lives and run off with whatever they can take from us. Read this paragraph to anybody that has not experienced this abuse and they will probably shake their head in disbelief and think you are crazy – BUT IT IS THE TRUTH. NOW imagine if you will that it is JUST as crazy for us (target/victims) to relate to and try to put it in a realistic perspective to create our own closure and recover from a predator that attacked our lives in this manner! This is new to you and at this point you have spent more time in the ‘NON truth’ of your situation than you have with the truth that you are finally realizing. So, it is a process to achieve the clarity and that is how no contact is going to help you achieve this.

If we honestly evaluate what has happened during the aftermath, we can identify times where we were in full-fledged denial of the obvious facts – I sure was! Our partners had changed, and we chose to believe that their viciousness and cruel behavior was caused by something we had done wrong. A big NO to that because we were in denial of this barrage of manipulation that a shrewd Narcissist used to fulfill their agenda. Our intuition WAS warning us, but our hearts and mind were ignoring that. It is also not a sign of weakness or stupidity on our part, instead it was a slow and insidious process of extreme manipulation, betrayal and brain-washing that stole our self-esteem and changed us. It is not hard to understand how it could happen because a Narcissist employs an array of manipulation techniques that warps human emotions AND the very ones we all cherish and try to emulate into our lives – and that is love. Love is many things that includes happiness, trust, personal bonding, empathy, attraction, growth, etc., or a very normal, unconditional, and REWARDING emotion that can be real with a real person, and once again the Narcissist was nothing even near real. They know about love, but they use a “fake love” to grab our trust, take what they wanted, then destroy it all right in our faces and manipulate us back to take more – basic and negative conditioning!

So, we fell (were conned) into LOVE. But an unnatural and abusive love is nothing even remotely near a normal love and it comes with a great price. That price is the very truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem and belief system. We constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND ourselves and in doing so, our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools. Their manipulation, betrayal, control, lies and acting out “trained” us to provide them with supply and they stepped up the game to get the most, if not ALL they could from us OR until they were caught and identified as the monster they are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth, and THIS became our normal trying to make this work. We did not give them the power to abuse us, we MISTAKINGLY opened our hearts with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise. THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO because they repeat this cycle many times over with many people and lie to cover it all up!

So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship) that believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, love, individuality, AND a real relationship, we just tried to follow the natural flow or path of a NORMAL relationship. Unfortunately, what we did not know is that we had inadvertently set the stage for Narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them. That is a big NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM. Like a spoiled child, a Narcissist will act out in rage against ANY individual who is keeping them from getting what they want constant supply, admiration, adulation, and total control over their target. So, what that interprets into is ANY individual that has personal needs (or basic individuality) is in direct conflict to the Narcissist’s agenda of complete admiration and adoration. You and I both know that cannot be remotely possible in any given relationship.

During what I call my “processing phase” I thought about all the arguments that seemed to come from nowhere and escalated to an “out of control” status for absolutely no reason. There were never any questions asked, instead there were always accusations from my Narcissist CONCERNING me. I was everything bad or evil, everything mentally ill. I was perverse, having affairs, lying, cheating, stealing and anything else bad that this Narcissist could think up. It was the creative and DESTRUCTIVE mind of a highly disordered person acting out of their deep seeded pathology. These were really diversions and projections of what this Narcissist was actually doing to me, and they were shoved down my throat in an effort for this Narcissist to release from the shame and blame they should HAVE OWNED themselves for these hideous acts. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the education to process this as Narcissistic projection and shame dumping, so I processed all of this the best I could and that was by basically shaking my head in complete confusion!

Next it was an attempt to make me feel totally and unequivocally unworthy through making fun of me, triangulating, back-stabbing, isolating, silencing, and punishing me. This defines the relationship with a Narcissist, or totally and hysterically dysfunctional with an edge that always serves the Narcissist’s agenda. I reflected many times on some of the Narcissist’s arguments or statements that now seem so characteristically insecure and childlike to me. It was such a surprise coming from an adult, but I justified it and wrote it off as this Narcissist’s “immaturity.” I wanted this Narcissist to be the person I believed the Narcissist to be when my heart assigned itself to loving this Narcissist and somehow, I would resolve or justify my own beliefs. If you love them, you will accept them for WHO they are and work with them, time will work to heal all of this, and the bigger picture was what was important to me. Too bad I did not realize the PSYCHOPATHY behind all of this. REMEMBER there was a great deal of “love bombing” so the Narcissist could gain our trust to get us to believe they were our soul mate that LOVED us – and that created the emotional bond to them. I wasn’t overlooking the obvious because I wasn’t seeing the WHOLE picture or the lies, cheating, betrayal, brainwashing and everything else that is kept so hidden from all of us. That does not happen right away but instead when it is too late and you have formed that strong emotional bond with them AND after they have been subtly gaslighting, manipulating, and conditioning us.

That is, perhaps, the most difficult and devastating outcome of a Narcissistic relationship, mustering up the strength as well as adopting the position to accept that your partner was just pathologically abusive and cruel AND now you must abandon them and the relationship COMPLETELY or ‘no contact!’ It is a difficult and an unnatural process to have to dump the past completely, as well as your emotions, dreams, plans, the family structure (they abandon/abuse their own biological children as well), with all those years you spent together and the memories that are also fake. IT IS AN ABHORATION of human life as well as human dignity to use/harm/destroy another individual in the manner a Malignant Narcissist does. After you get to your ‘ah ha’ moment or the truth, you are then left with the arduous task of finding yourself again with this monkey on your back.

So here we are with the truth. We must stand up again and brush ourselves off and start walking forward again and realize our own culpability in the exchange with this Malignant Narcissist. We believed it was love when it was not, and we are in a place that is called abuse (which is new to the equation) and the journey to recovery must start NOW through this understanding of JUST HOW DISORDERED this partner was to our entire life. Now we MUST go “no contact” because we have educated ourselves with the truth and we must stop anymore attempts on the Narcissist’s part to abuse us anymore BECAUSE THEY WILL.

Apart from all of that, I live, and I love again as an outcome of taking the first step of ‘no contact.’ Now I accept that there are people in this world who represent darkness and evil and I DO NOT allow them anywhere near my life. It is not my place to fix them, make them better or to even tolerate them. Life is good without Narcissists/Psychopaths and toxic people that always try to drag us into their negativity and backward world. I also know myself better, I am myself, I love myself, I enjoy life, and find the world a wonderful place to be in. I have good and great relationships. I know that I finally faced the truth and worked through it which included fixing certain parts of ME. I was not a deer frozen in the headlights and stayed in that position dazed forever. I was an adult with many resources, and I learned how to use them. I accepted that abnormal people had entered my life. I accepted that they left damage in their wake, and I needed to get them out of my life. Unless you do that, unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out. You will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU, instead it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life. Educate yourself and go “no contact” AND educate others once you understand the reality of this abuse and the damage it does to many undeserving and beautiful people. You are amazing and you CAN and will beat this! No/minimal contact always! Greg

**** ONE last point to add here and drive the point home: A little analogy about all of their performances – the ones in public and their personal performances to trap a target! AND …… the Emmy Award, the Oscar, and every other accolade in this world goes to the Narcissist for their performance of being a good human being with empathy and integrity! A Narcissist is a great actor that draws from his/her audience to create a reality that is believable or real enough that the audience becomes completely engaged with the story, emotions, beliefs, feelings, or all of it. The audience in return believes this character, their fake script and engages with them – unfortunately, the reality of it all is that it is only a show and with a bad ending.

In a Narcissist’s world we are ONLY a tool to use or an obstacle to destroy – nothing more or nothing less!

In a Narcissist’s world we are ONLY a tool to use or an obstacle to destroy – nothing more or nothing less! Everything else ‘in between’ with them is their manipulative ‘charm’ or ‘harm’ to keep us caught up in their agenda driven game of ALL take and no give UNTIL they are done with us and found NEW supply! We MUST ‘get this’ to be able to move on and away from them or stay stuck in the controlling cycle of their abuse.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

This is my favorite because it is the truth as it concerns ANY relationship with a Narcissist. ALL people are objectified and categorized for a particular or special need, and for as long as we provide those needs. If you do NOT meet their requirements and or specific need – you are then an obstacle that they will just step on and over! Everyone has an expiration date with a Narcissist. We are ALL either a TOOL or an OBSTACLE – nothing more or nothing less! Let’s really get to know what is behind the façade of a Narcissist and WHAT it consists of. Unfortunately, they are so good at their ‘con game’ that we BELIEVED in them at such a deep level – and they used that to take us down a dark road of emotional and psychological destruction. We are/were not stupid, dumb, fools or any of the above – we were betrayed through those vast arsenals of manipulative tools that poisoned our minds and hearts.

A Narcissist’s world is all a product of his/her own machinations and self-created delusional imagination and ALL based-on appearances to support THEIR needs – not ours. The Narcissist ONLY wants ‘people objects’ in his/her world that will NOT contradict the illusions he/she creates – as well as ‘people objects’ that serve them and supply them with all their MANY needs. A Narcissist wants to control your behavior and what you’re thinking and if you contradict this self-created image in the slightest way the Narcissist will rage at you and maybe even annihilate you from disturbing the delicate balance of their disordered world. You are there to support and serve them in their game and make them look good and support their omnipotence as well as ACCEPT all the lies. This comes at a great cost to the target/victim that bought into and believed the big façade or the charm that lured them into this disordered character’s agenda/world.

So, within this grand illusion that they create and live in, they will not hesitate to say that black is white, or square is round, and you are expected to believe them. They will lie to you about facts they know that you know. They lie to you about what you have said and done, even if you said or did it only a few seconds ago and know the truth. They lie to you about what they have said and done in your very presence. If they are breathing, they are lying to support their grand scheme and illusion of themselves! There is no internal mechanism that governs their actions, so it is ANYTHING goes with them no matter the cost to anyone, as long as it serves THEM. They abide by NO rules or laws and if it wasn’t for double standards, they would have NO standards at all. Remember once you can NO longer serve them or you disagree with them you are no longer useful to them, and you will be discarded or even annihilated – AGAIN we are either a tool to use or an obstacle to them.

Everything MUST support their façade but, their needs can completely consume ANY person that has anything to do with them. Try as you may, you can never give them enough because they ALWAYS want more, and they will seek it ALL out with many other sources of supply. This is not a relationship that is normal and more akin to a parasitic relationship where the malignant Narcissist is the parasite that is draining you of your life energy and anything and everything else you have. So, remember you cannot have any type of relationship with them because there really is no ‘them’ – it is a façade created for you to keep you in their orbit while they consume what they can from you and then they will move onto another source. It almost sounds like a horror story that you would see at the movies – BUT in reality, if you have had any type of association with a Narcissist, it was a REAL horror story. Knowledge is power because it provides us with the clarity, we need to completely break the bond we believe we had with them. The only way to recovery is through knowledge, clarity, support, time, and no/minimal contact. You deserve so much more than this. Remember YOU offered REAL love – and what did you get in return – ABUSE! They JUST DON’T CARE! Greg

With a Narcissist, ALL people are objectified and categorized for a particular or special need, and ONLY as long as we provide those needs. If you do not meet their requirements and or specific need you are then an obstacle that they will step on and over! Everyone has an expiration date with a Narcissist. Everything else ‘in between’ with them is their manipulative ‘charm’ or ‘harm’ to keep us caught up in their agenda driven game of ALL TAKE and NO GIVE until they have gotten everything they came for. Greg

Let’s totally unpack this! Do you go out of your way to keep your Narcissist happy and deliberately try to avoid angering him/her – BUT – nothing is EVER RIGHT – you are damned if you do or damned if you don’t – BUT YOU ARE ALWAYS DAMNED in this connection or relationship!

Let’s totally unpack this! Do you go out of your way to keep your Narcissist happy and deliberately try to avoid angering him/her – BUT – nothing is EVER RIGHT – you are damned if you do or damned if you don’t – BUT YOU ARE ALWAYS DAMNED in this connection or relationship!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Ultimately this is the Narcissist’s key strategy and that is maintaining control because if you are too scared to speak up or express yourself in ANY manner or feel that you can’t react to anything this Narcissist says or does – you have no voice. When you have no voice, you have no say, and you have no ability to think or process or to live as a “normal” individual in your relationship – you are more or less an object that serves a purpose. While you have no say, they can do exactly as they please and they can even legitimately claim that you never objected and make you out to be the disordered creature that they are through an arsenal of tools to debase your whole life!

When you are out of the fog and away from the abuse it becomes very clear how delusional they are as well as how their psychopathy comes into play to control their victims. Here are some of the basics that are out there in many variations BUT in my own words:

• Raging at you – if you question them concerning accountability or don’t agree with something they say or do, they rage. After a while you just accept your place of silence to avoid any more conflict because once they start raging, they just don’t stop. I dealt with this rage so much that I would just sit there and hope that this Narcissist would wear themselves out and stop. Replying only outraged this Narcissist more and more. Unfortunately, this became ‘my normal’ and I was eternally walking on those eggshells.

• Re-writing history – lying to change the truth and make you out to seem forgetful, OR you are lying and the one changing the story, or mentally ill and incapable of having a normal functioning brain. They can literally say one thing and within minutes say the direct opposite of what they said and deny it.

• Non-sense arguing – arguments that come out of the blue that have no merit, or arguments from out of the past that they re-ignite to create chaos and keep you dancing to the tune of their chaos and control.

• Gas-lighting – this is the sign of their psychopathy for sure. They create situations to make you BELIEVE that you have issues with your own mental health. It is done in a manner to set you up to believe in something they say or do, and then what they said or did is denied making you believe you are losing your own cognizant ability of processing daily life. It could even be physically hiding something from you to make you feel like you are very forgetful.

• Manipulation – they will take a situation and turn it inside out to drain it of any goodness and make the situation wrong and turn it on YOU. That is the motivation of manipulating you – or to basically debase you in some manner. It can be as subtle as NOT saying thank you for something you did for them that was nice or ignoring your efforts. Another example is if you ask them if they like something you did for them because they are not acknowledging your efforts at all, they will accuse you of fishing for compliments, say that they never asked you to do this for them, you are trying to buy their love, and you are obsessed with them. No, you are being conditioned to give more and more because there is no manner in which you can please them, so you try anything and everything and that blows up in your face.

• Enlisting real or fake minions – this is like the bully at school that gangs up on the unsuspecting target with the support of their followers. Generally, these minions are not physically there with the Narcissist and reinforcing what the Narcissist says, instead you are TOLD that “certain people” or a buddy of the Narcissist said “this, that, and what not” about you in a manner that they are concerned as to your mental health or whatever they decide will make you out to be deserving of some sort of destructive criticism. They do “employ” weak people to act out against you as well – but again who would intentionally defend the Narcissist’s backstabbing without even knowing the target/victim the Narcissist is attacking – only a disordered person with little or no self-esteem.

• Taunting threats – this was a favorite of my Narcissist. When I would remain silent that would even backfire on me, so the argument would switch over to threats to enlist a sense of insecurity as far as the relationship was concerned. After I would be silenced, and the Narcissist had a free weekend to secure sexual supply I was taunted with it in a manner to punish me to further drive the point home or control me even in my silence for not reacting enough to the original argument. My Narcissist would state they met someone that was perfect for them, and they could possibly be “the new love of their life.” After all was said and done my Narcissist would say they made it up because they wanted to show me how uncaring I was – funny way to do it! They really know how to work an argument with their word salads and convoluted machinations to get the most out of it to punish us.

• One-up-man-ship – this is when the Narcissist feels very insecure about your accomplishments, or for any acts of goodness that is just a part of your daily life with them as far as something you do out of care. You are not shoving anything in their face as if you are bragging BUT they are acting out of their perpetual envy and will attack your virtues to knock you down a few pegs to feed their internal insecurities. More managing down!

• Stone faced stares – you will be speaking and sharing in the normal manner that humans do and the Narcissist is sitting there and staring you down with an emotionless face. They don’t react or join in on the conversation and you are left there hanging and feel that you are inconsequential as far as a viable person in their lives. BUT when they have something, they want to say there is no end to it and YOU better be listening intently!

• The hypochondriac Narcissist – quite simply they are always sick and simulating some life-threatening disease to evoke pity and for us to care for them more, give them more, and wait on them hand and foot. Sometimes it can be that if YOU get a cold, they end up being deathly sick with pneumonia!

• It’s all about me, me, ME – quite honestly this completely defines the Narcissist, but it is also the manipulative arguments and statements that are used to get us to think we are NOT doing enough, or NOT caring enough, not engaging them enough, or NOT loving them enough. They can even use this as an excuse as to why they stray away from the relationship from time to time. We just NEVER UNDERSTAND what we do to them that has them feeling so unloved (just another ploy to get attention). YES, this was very true for me because I never understood what it was that I was constantly doing wrong. In fact, I wasn’t doing anything wrong except for staying in an abusive relationship.

• Triangulation – purposely using common information they have ABSORBED from being in our company and twisting it around in a devious manner to use against us and turn others against us. They use the familiarity from knowing us and then they seem like they are ‘in the know’ when they start triangulating. That little bit of truth they gained from us gets exploited!

• Back-stabbing – this sort of goes hand in hand with triangulation, but its sole purpose is to create dysfunction around us to get the people that we love/like and associate with to believe we are the “real problem”. Basically, as it states they talk behind our backs to those closest to us setting the stage for the discard and ‘smear campaign!’ They are always ten steps ahead of the game.

• Smear campaign – this is the Narcissist setting up their final farewell to us by contacting everybody of influence in your life and destroying your integrity and damaging your life. They want us to feel vulnerable and afraid of what they can and will do. You can’t fight a coward that attacks your virtue and integrity with insidious lies behind your back. The damage is done, and you are damned if you do or damned if you don’t respond to the smear campaign. This gives them the time to run off while we are left vulnerable with the mess, they have created for us – and YES, we end up looking like we were the problem and even crazy!

• Denial – complete disassociation with the truth around any and all reality, in all situations – it is like their life is one diversion after another.

• Projection – transferring what they are feeling or doing onto a target. Not anything that can be considered positive, mostly something negative they have done like having an affair and stating it is YOU that had the affair, or you are the liar, or your family hates you, or you are the thief, etc. In essence making us out to be as disordered as they are, but they transfer it to us to ceremoniously cleanse themselves of their disordered life and actions.

These are some of the general day to day actions to keep us managed down, always explaining ourselves, fearful, feeling worthless and again walking on those eggshells. These tactics amount to control which equates to the Narcissist trying to gain power over us. So, what is important here is to understand these very tactics as well as the many other ones that they use to debase us, dehumanize us and destroy us. It is the sickness AND delusion that goes hand in hand with this psychological abuse. It is a pattern that the Narcissist follows to destroy our self-worth as well as extort our lives. It is the Narcissist projecting their dysfunctional life onto us to release from any accountably of just how disordered they are but making us accept the shame and blame for their out-of-control life through projection – and they punish us for what they are. It is psychological terrorism meant to inflict as much damage on any person that accepts or allows them to be part of their life and if possible, destroy us in the process as if we deserve it. They must use this power over their targets/victims to get their supply to survive. Memorize these so that if and when the time ever comes that you have to deal with a Narcissist you know that YOU can shut them down by disallowing them to use ANY of their strong-armed tactics to create that emotional chaos.

They are historians that re-write history and distort reality so that they can PROJECT that THEY are the normal one, the savior, the target/victim, and the persecuted one and then they walk away with their distorted integrity to use and con another unsuspecting victim into their web of lies and deceit. It is all OK with them because they dispel the abuse by projecting their psychopathy onto everybody else – Narcissist are perpetual blamers and victims – it is NEVER their fault.

This is the cycle of abuse and the arsenal of tools that a Narcissist uses with the biggest lie being the mask of gold they wear laden with the charm and morality that they profess they have. It is only a flimsy mask of lies that slips off easily and reveals the dark truth. Unfortunately, they don’t come to us with a warning label, instead they come to us with an imitation of love to gain our trust and then they enter our heads to dismantle our spirit and integrity so they can extort every aspect of our life and love. Once they have drained us of our life force, they move onto the next person to extort.

Our downfall however is that we are NORMAL, full of real empathy, as well as dreamers looking for the same thing everyone else does – friendship, real connections, love, and security with a partner. We believe in fairy tales and happy endings, but a Narcissistic partner is the nightmare that you wake up with in a sweat AND as if you have to run for your life. That nightmare changes us and damages our belief system, integrity, self-esteem and causes psychological damage. We desperately wanted to believe them because admitting that it was all a lie shattered a dream that we all wanted and spent too many years believing and trying to fix. The dream is all you’ve ever had, and they took that away from you and made you feel wrong as if you NEVER deserved it or to even be loved. There was never a relationship or anything remotely near it.

Now you fear your very spirit and soul is dying because it becomes all too clear that that you lost precious parts of your life at the hands of a con artist and a destructive and perverse creature that made you believe you are worthless. Your loss is great in every area of your life, and you are left to pick up the many pieces of the shattered life and destruction they have left behind for you as they ran off like the out-of-control coward they are. But your soul hasn’t died nor has your belief system been destroyed or your spirit taken away – it along with every day you spent with this Narcissist was manipulated and buried in the darkness of their disordered and perverse world. That spirit is just hiding and will come back to you with time and clarity! Remember though, every time that you believe their empty lies, you are giving them permission to continue. The truth will light the way back to the good world you once knew. Never forget the amazing person you were and still are AND never give it up because of this abuse! No/minimal contact to start on the journey to clarity. Greg

Once we see the abuse and the abuser behind the mask, we can NEVER unsee it or go back to it again!

Once we see the abuse and the abuser behind the mask, we can NEVER unsee it or go back to it again! The UNSEEN ABUSE that only WE see and know because it happens behind OUR closed doors. That Narcissist’s CHARM that soon turns into HARM when we let them into our lives, our world, our head, and our heart! It is time to ‘boot’ that Narcissist out completely, close that door, and bolt it shut so that Narcissist can never return and get back in.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist skillfully weaves their manipulation into our lives to make us become dependent on them by isolating us, distorting, and destroying everything around us that is real to us, and then all that is left for us is THEM. They make us believe in them as if they ALONE are our savior to blind us from reality. They tell us how people talk about us, or this or that person is not good for us. They love us and ONLY want to protect us with this truth and HELP us, but they are subtly planting these distorted messages in us to get us to believe in them completely and isolate us and keep us close to them alone! These messages do their magic by making us feel worthless and as if something is terribly wrong with our lives and with us. In this process they are also gathering personal information from us to USE AGINST US too. So they are also telling these very people that love us that WE are also talking about them and they need to be CAREFUL as it concerns THEIR connection with us – this in turn isolates us completely.

Charm and love were what the Narcissist used to con you into the abuse by gaining your trust and a commitment to them as well as keep you connected and believing in them. The abuse was the working mechanism that this Narcissist used to control you, manage you down, isolate you, disable you and then use you completely to meet their needs. The WHY doesn’t matter because you can’t fix this disordered person, nor should you attempt to. You saw that by loving them you were only abused, what could be more powerful than your love and why allow yourself to expend it on a desperate and destructive love with a Narcissist? If a person were damaged and fixable, unconditional love and support from another person would be healing, appreciated, and accepted. People that are real would seek out healing love and embrace it, not use it to keep you falsely connected to their agenda to use you so completely! Your love was abused because this is a disorder that you do not have the power to heal within this person (the Narcissist). You must know this and move forward for you and only you. You must use your powerful love to heal yourself!

We have spent too much time dodging their bullets and sheer survival has forced us to expend a lot of energy in trying to make sense out of the rantings and chaos of a disordered individual or a Narcissist. We could never dodge all of those bullets, so we were really only a target with a big bullseye on us because of their pathology. The truth is that they just don’t care because they have the keen ability to release from any and all accountabilities. They don’t know love and never will, but they will use it to manipulate a victim. They lack empathy so they can walk away from anybody, even their own children and blame everyone else for the reason why they abuse. They truly are predators that use power to control and abuse. They have no power over us because they are made of lies and deceit and that is not reality – especially OURS! 

They are using the familiarity of personal stories we shared with them AGAINST us. This is triangulation where they pit one person against the other! They are destroying everything we love and cherish so that we become totally dependent on them. That is the addiction and trauma bond that is forced into our reality. Who do you turn to when you hear that everything around you or about you is so terribly wrong? The person that is standing directly in front of you that is loving you so completely BUT in reality, they are poisoning you at the same time! If I had a dollar for every time, I heard my Narcissist tell me that SOMEBODY was saying negative things about me, even Psychiatrists that were evaluating me and telling my Narcissist I was unstable – as well as family members, co-workers, or EVERYBODY! As silly and unreal as that sounds I am not kidding or exaggerating! A Narcissist does this very subtly and they are seamless at weaving their triangulation with little, tiny bits of truth and lies into your conscious world to make it seem plausible. I was an emotional punching bag to a highly disordered and not fully functioning human being. I finally got it and pushed forward and totally away from it and back to reality where I was before I fell into this devastating abuse and today, I am so much better as if I walked away from some sort of darkness and back into light, life and love again!

So, there are two essential and distinct parts to this acceptance to enable you to start on your personal journey to recovery and they are the emotional and intellectual realities. Intellectually it is understanding that this is a personality disorder to basically get you to your ‘ah ha’ moment that this was not anything near this love you believe/believed in but the actions of a ‘not fully functioning human being’ that was conning and using you. Emotions are not as easy to untangle especially when it involves that amazing thing called love that connects/bonds you to this disordered creature and distorts the truth and your reality – but you must realize that this love was also part of that huge con job. BUT we CAN fall out of love, and it is so important to fall out of this toxic and poisonous love with both perspectives to see the clearer and bigger picture that it was purely destructive to you and meant to be. There was NO REAL LOVE!

Intellectually you need to assert the truth that they ARE so very disordered so you can purge the negative messages that were planted in your head that you are not worthy of this Narcissist’s love or a normal life. These negative messages were purposeful to manage you down to nothingness so the Narcissist could control you, isolate you, and keep you there while they extorted and used you as a source of supply. These messages are tricky because the positive ones from the ‘charm’ and ‘love bombing’ are mixed in there so well with the negative ones from the devaluation and discard and this is what has you so locked up in the ‘fog’ or confusion that you are feeling. They must be separated so that the positive love-bombing messages don’t pull you backward into believing that it WAS/IS real and there is a chance to fix this. Then intellectually understanding that all the blame/shame, lies, demeaning attacks and manipulation on you were projections from a very angry and cunning creature to make you feel completely worthless and convince you that you deserve this – as well as to CONTROL you. They are only as powerful as you allow them to be. Break the destructive messages and attachment to them and they are no longer able to control you and you are free to become yourself again. Knowledge and truth are the keys you need to unlock the prison that this Narcissist has locked you up and in!

You must first STOP the dance and take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. If you do not take care of yourself, no one will do it for you. This unfortunately is our journey that we MUST take. The very best thing you can do is to end the toxic relationship, which is slowly making you mentally and physically sick and distorting your concept of what real love AND life is meant to be. You must purge the manipulative and destructive messages OUT of your head or else they will be stuck there with you forever. You have already stayed with this Narcissistic liar, cheater, and a mental abuser for way too long, and understand there is no love there, only a twisted addiction to something that has become a horrible and debilitating routine in your life. Do not waste one more second of your precious life with this Narcissist when you have a chance to achieve the true happiness in life and the ability to love normally. Remember what got you here and ask yourself why you would want to get back with this destructive person to try to fix all the absurd abuse when you CAN’T. Then look at your life and actualize how debilitating this relationship has been to you. This is not an option! Leave this relationship behind so you can reach your full potential again and you WILL because you ARE really an amazing person that proved how strong you were, how loving you were, and now how strong you are to be here today and able to move forward. No/minimal contact and NEVER look back once you actualize the truth! Greg

Just disengage with them because their conversations are diversions to take us to a point where we feel diminished, worthless, wrong, or anything to keep us as confused and controlled!

Just disengage with them because their conversations are diversions to take us to a point where we feel diminished, worthless, wrong, or anything to keep us as confused and controlled! Talking, arguing, or discussing anything with a Narcissist is like being on a ‘hamster wheel’ that is in perpetual dizzying motion! You keep running and running but you NEVER leave point A and there never is a point B. You only continue to run in circles until you are completely exhausted.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

It is always a circular conversation with a Narcissist that never ends and is always filled with irrelevant and meaningless points, word salads, overgeneralizations, complete lack of logic, and basically nonsense meant to keep you in that circular chaos with no end in sight. Let’s call it a verbal competition – no matter what the subject – where they convince us that we HAVE faults or are at fault and they manage to slowly take away our voices and silence us. WHY, because they always want to diminish something about you and I through their conflicting and confusing messaging – in other words there is ALWAYS an agenda attached. They have a point and that is to control you and bring YOU down with their words, which can be physically, morally, logically, and emotionally taxing. It can EVEN be us saying we love them!

So, an example of how they do this: The Narcissist starts off with what always seems MORE like a command hidden in a question – and right away you feel confused and a little taken back by how they start this conversation out. You try to work with them, maybe even asking them to be more specific because you WANT to work it out. NO, that Narcissist is going to keep you jumping through hoops instead of getting some sort of reason or logic going because they want to take complete control of this so-called conversation by locking you up in a word salad or confusion.

That Narcissist wants a REACTION – whether it is to get you frustrated, angry, or whatever so they can take it to another level – BUT you still don’t know what the jest of any of it is YET. You try harder, and even give your best attempt of resolving whatever they are trying to say – grabbing onto bits and pieces of what they originally said, BUT they raise it up to a higher level by scrutinizing YOUR good words and making them wrong now. Then they weaponize YOUR words and say that YOU are mistreating THEM. NOW it becomes an argument and competition about YOUR words. Now you are standing there with your jaw dropping to the ground because where did this conversation come from, and you still do not know what it is exactly about. You have given them options to resolve it, but now they are attacking you at every level they can and treating you in a condescending tone like YOU are a child and THEY are the parent. This is where they want you – BUT they are not done yet.

This keeps going in these circles and all that is happening now is that YOU are being admonished. They bring up things you said that were innocent and are now using them against you as if you threatened them and are argumentative! You still have no clue how this got to this point. Next, they will take it to a higher level where they will say that they have never experienced someone that acts like you, or others say or have said that YOU are difficult – pulling in their imaginary soldiers.

Lastly it is time for them to push you so close to the edge and accuse you of something or other that is supposed to make you feel horrible, like threatening you by saying that YOU abused them and ARE A TOXIC ABUSER, or you physically threatened them with your stance, or what you have done is illegal! BAM – there you go they have created a toxic scenario to trap you into a chaotic situation that leaves you exhausted and confused. They have taken another piece of your existence away – and they do this bit by bit with every single one of these so-called conversations.

What was all of this about – basically projection that they are putting onto you. Then there is the blaming, shaming, denying, and diversion tactics to make THEMSELVES out to be the victim and now the hero in all of this – but really IN THEIR OWN EYES and their dysfunctional thinking in EXTREMES. This is what they need to feel that sense of power and control over us. Our concerns are never addressed, and we are never heard or validated. Over time our self-esteem is eroded and our sense of worth and individualism within the relationship begins to slip away because communication is just NOT an option with them! They know what they are doing – and this so-called conversation was meant to go into this direction and had nothing to do with anything but the poisonous and chaotic words they used to create this scenario. This is how they manage people down and devalue the very person in front of them because more than often they realize that WE see them for who they really are! It is psycho-bullying because in essence everybody is a perceived threat to them ESPECIALLY if we question them in the smallest way. They MUST be in control of us AND make us fear them in some way. They will be back with more chaos trying to get you to engage more! Don’t engage is the only solution to this. DON’T allow them to walk you into this trap. Walk in the other direction or away from them with NO response! No/minimal contact! Greg

It is a daily thing when it concerns this abuse and over time the target/victim becomes numb to the fact that every day they are being managed down to feel completely worthless, having issues, isolated, silenced, fearful, the ‘PROBLEM,’ and completely confused and LOST! There is level upon level of this gaslighting piling up on them that it becomes an emotional and psychological prison that they cannot escape – it is called TRAUMA.

It is a daily thing when it concerns this abuse and over time the target/victim becomes numb to the fact that every day they are being managed down to feel completely worthless, having issues, isolated, silenced, fearful, the ‘PROBLEM,’ and completely confused and LOST! There is level upon level of this gaslighting piling up on them that it becomes an emotional and psychological prison that they cannot escape – it is called TRAUMA.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

With psychological abuse from a Narcissist a target/victim gets so caught up in the highs and lows that constantly surround them that they never see the bigger picture AND the real danger they are in. These highs and lows do not present themselves as concretely as most observers (people that have not been abused) want to believe. Most of the time the conflict between the Narcissist and the target/victim is a hit and run tactic and the target/victim has no sense of the reason behind it AND feel like they must explain themselves. It comes out of nowhere, and usually there is no basis for the argument or the put downs, so the target/victim is not aware of the particular issue or guilty of ANYTHING. Instead, it is a tactic that the narcissist uses to confuse and disable the target/victim as well as control them. Without these attacks having a viable reason a target/victim is always out in left field and perpetually CONFUSED and feeling the need amend or fix SOMETHING!

It is also a daily thing when it concerns this abuse and over time the target/victim becomes numb to the fact that every day they are being managed down to feel worthless with level upon level piling up to the point that it becomes an emotional and psychological prison. It is part of the disordered Narcissist’s agenda to make their partner feel small, manage them down, and in time disable them completely. Along with this the Narcissist isolates their target/victim from friends, family and loved ones so that they become solely dependent on the Narcissist. It is all out psychological warfare that a target/victim has no sense of. The target/victim is not prepared for battle because they do not even know that there is a war waging right in front of them. The target/victim does not realize that there is a terrorist in their life that means to harm or destroy them, nor could they even consider that the person doing this to them is actually their enemy because they love them (or care) in some form or fashion. The Narcissist enlists psychological warfare that is more like a tasteless and odorless poison that over time kills!

Targets/victims get so lost in the day to day managing down that they fail to see just how effective the Narcissist is at distorting their reality (the manipulation.) You are never having a REAL conversation with a REAL person. This is the essence of ABUSE and how we become desensitized, and our reality distorted. Everything a Narcissist says (and does) has NOTHING to do with a normal ‘back and forth’ conversation between two normal people! You (target/victim) are COMMUNICATING and believing that the Narcissist is reciprocating, but they are observing and scheming through your words and actions. They are drawing information from you in a manner to know your strengths and weaknesses and how to use those against you. They may reply in what seems like a normal manner, but they are interrogating you to draw out what they can and then they distort what they can, so you never have a cohesive conversation with them. You will always find yourself WONDERING about something or other. The result is that they have you where they want you.

When you came out of this you felt like you were in a fog, or better yet that your reality was altered and basically it was through the slow process of brainwashing and the manipulation from your perpetrator. You are traumatized, confounded, and confused and wondering what hit you squarely in the brain. We are functioning, but not as we once did. If we were the person, we were before this abuse we would have had a much clearer perspective AFTER discard, but unfortunately, we are not that person anymore. We have gained the knowledge, but we are vulnerable and damaged, so we really struggle.

We were not in denial in the beginning we were tricked, conned, manipulated, etc. But here is the point we also never realized this in its entirety while we were with them and WHY? Well because the agenda of the Narcissist was not apparent, and the manipulation was subtle and consistent. We were always drawn back into the abuse through Narcissistic magic or trickery. Day by day we were managed down more and more through the Narcissist’s vast arsenal of tools to the point that we were not in our original state of conscious thinking – our reality was altered by our perpetrator so they could harvest us as supply!

Along with this they employ so many techniques to confuse you, or make you question what you said, or basically always feeling like you must explain yourself. That is how they gain the upper hand! Beyond the love bombing which was just another grand scheme to manipulate you into the abuse with words and actions, the remainder of the relationship will consume you with always feeling the need to defend yourself. There is no such thing as individuality with a Narcissist and they are not going to allow you to have needs or be anything but what they want you to be. The KEY point here is that the love you FEEL (conned into) connects you to a Narcissist as well as blinds you to the abuse because they dangle that love in front of you and make you basically beg to have it back. That is purely behavioral modification using withholding techniques to change you to accept their disordered abuse! Remember that they are employing their disguise to con everyone around them to get what they want, but the primary 24/7 supply suffers the most from this abuse. They have other sources of supply on the side to feed their out-of-control lifestyle, and minions that sing their praises. How sad and destructive for the primary 24/7 target/victim 9or ANY target/victim) to believe that what they have with a Narcissist is a relationship when it is nothing more than a place for the Narcissist to have constant supply as well as a refuge to hide the real truth of just how perverse they are concerning life and people. No/minimal contact always. Greg

Narcissists do not connect to YOU, your thoughts, or words – but they are aware of their actions! Let us unpack what these Narcissists are all about! I am going to try to get into the head of the Narcissist for you to see the distorted reality of what is really going on in there. This would be a good article to share with people that do not understand what this abuse is about or what a narcissist does to people.

Narcissists do not connect to YOU, your thoughts, or words – but they are aware of their actions! Let us unpack what these Narcissists are all about! I am going to try to get into the head of the Narcissist for you to see the distorted reality of what is really going on in there. This would be a good article to share with people that do not understand what this abuse is about or what a narcissist does to people.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist.

Narcissists ALWAYS tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions. In turn they will accuse and blame others to divert attention away from themselves and the truth. A Narcissist will refuse to accept the perspective of any human being, but they will irrationally defend their own distorted/delusional position and lies as well as force you into accepting them as reality and the end result is that you discard or dump YOUR normal and healthy reality. Narcissists always make people feel that they MUST please them.

They cunningly access and withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing because it gives them the ability to control and manipulate future events. A Narcissist will slowly but surely erode their target/victim’s reality, self-esteem, and spirit! Narcissists completely avoid and NEVER acknowledge the feelings of others, yet they will often bring up how their emotions are being affected and how WE do not respect or honor their needs. They are eternal victims and NOTHING you do is worthy of meeting their needs. “We JUST don’t love them enough.”

They will slight a target/victim or perhaps make them accept digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the Narcissist to say they were just kidding while still being abusive and hurting the target/victim.

Narcissists will completely change the subject to divert attention back onto themselves. You could be talking to them about a serious matter, and it will be dismissed in moments, so the Narcissist has all the attention right back where they feel it belongs – ON THEM. Or they will BULLY you with shouting, dismiss you, and walk away. You never feel that anything about you is important enough for consideration by the Narcissist and you are right!

Narcissists make others feel worthless to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the miserable level of the Narcissist. They always threaten or hint of some form of punishment that they will inflict if YOU don’t do exactly what they are asking or accept what they are saying. THEN of course they will reinforce this with blame as if you did something that deserves their actions and disdain. They will dismiss you completely and silence you. YOU CAN NEVER MEET ANY OF THEIR EXPECTATIONS!

They will be cold, quiet, and distant, then deny that anything is wrong, but it feels as if they ARE angry. But you cannot access what it is so you will have no sense of what is going on to help you feel at ease with them. On the flip side there will be inappropriate emotional outbursts to also distract attention, confusing their targets/victims and shifting blame for something you AGAIN have no real sense of. You are ALWAYS left feeling like you are walking on those infamous eggshells with them or always confused and feeling conflicted as to a cohesive reality with them!

Narcissist ALWAYS try to control others to domineer and limit freedom of expression/speech or individuality. Again, controlling the environment around them with confusion, chaos, bullying and negativity. They are ALWAYS instilling fear or retaliatory punishment for anyone that does not comply with their EVERY wish. They will also deny you ANY success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling you out or basically placing you in the category of a loser and not worthy of proper recognition. Their word is the FINAL word always! A target/victim could have accomplished something so worthy of recognition and the Narcissist will never respond with a supportive word or a congratulation, instead they will minimalize the entire accomplishment OR even find fault in it. They will put a handle on any positive situation to make you doubt your achievement of success. They continually manage people DOWN!

Narcissists always forget commitments and promises purposely because there was nothing real behind their words in the first place – just more of their manipulation to keep you believing. They will even deny that they promised to do something to try to make you believe you are imagining things.

Narcissists will take advantage of any vulnerability using shame, guilt, and fear to make a target feel worthless by highlighting simple insecurities they may have. This could even be done in a manner where the Narcissist will make fun of the target/victim’s physical attributes in a cruel overt manner.

A Narcissist’s actions promises or reality in every situation are totally out of alignment. They ALWAYS say one thing and do another. For example, they preach morality BUT they have no morals and act on their impulses regularly. They may PRETEND to follow a religious doctrine and praise themselves for religious values but possess NONE of these values whatsoever. They ARE the very sinners that they are denouncing, preaching about, and pointing fingers at. The Narcissist I dealt with was/is infamous for this!

Narcissists are only nice when all other options have been removed or when they feel they are trapped into a corner or up against a wall. This is usually when the truth is so evident that they have no other option available to them. There is no remorse to what they have done, they are just trying to wriggle out of being totally exposed for what they have done AND what they are. They also want to keep you trapped in the abuse so they can keep extorting what they can or achieving supply with their insincere apology and patronizing gestures. In time they will replace you once you have caught onto their lies and agenda, BUT of course you are to BLAME for their actions! You are the disordered one and you have abused THEM, and they are “running for their lives” (a favorite and TIRED quote of my Narcissist.) That is really a distorted lie and excuse that they have moved onto a new source, but they are going to keep you locked up in confusion, lies, and abuse surrounding their departure for as long as they can. They will PULL you back into the abuse making you think that there is a possibility of reconciliation. It is just a way for them to achieve more chaos to disable you as much as they can as well as implicate you as being obsessed when THEY are the ones that initiate contact to use against you. Keeping you vulnerable also keeps their abuse hidden from the world.

When they are having a conversation one on one or even in a group setting, they will completely cut someone off as if they are not allowed to speak. Narcissists suppress self-expression and individuality to support their omnipotence and power over others by controlling everyone in their world. Basically, they eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves to feel superior and omnipotent! It shores up their false identity and makes them feel so worthy when it is all based on lies and distortion, BUT THEY JUST DON’T SEE IT AS THIS! They are delusional and self-affirming to support their needy needs.

Narcissist will ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses. They push everyone’s buttons. They will even go as far as humiliating people in public situations to show their superiority. They are psycho bullies. By pushing buttons and highlighting a person’s sensitivity they gain power and evoke fear in the target/victim of choice. They ACTIVATE a person’s insecurities to gain power and superiority over them.

Through their vast arsenal of tools to manipulate a Narcissist will pretend to understand a person’s concerns, but then they will blatantly break every boundary and step all over those concerns and basically violate them and you! If they CAN’T control a person, they will slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of this person. Narcissists RUIN people’s lives.

Narcissists will always attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They won’t believe they make mistakes, and they have no ability to feel or process or truly understand shame.

ALWAYS remember that lies and deceit are a natural part of the narcissist’s world. The old saying, “the best liars lie to themselves first” really applies to Narcissists as well as “the lie often repeated is far more convincing” and they repeat their lies many times over! A narcissist has the amazing ability to believe their own lies even when they fly in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. You MUST take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. A friend of mine always said to me “if they are breathing, they are lying” and it is the truth!

LASTLY! Do not allow yourself to ride on this emotional roller coaster through hell because it is never ending! So then heed this warning and live by it – once you leave OR are out of the relationship the Narcissist does not need you anymore and its more than likely (pretty much a guarantee) you were emotionally and physically replaced long before the separation or discard AND they are out to destroy your integrity AND you.

Everything I outlined here is taken directly from my experience with the Narcissist I knew. Unfortunately, I was blinded by the manipulation, constant lies, and brainwashing. I ‘believed’ and never saw the train wreck in front of me. Was I a damaged person? No not in the normal reality of the behavioral sciences as in having a mental illness or a personality disorder but I became the byproduct of the disabling abuse by being in the company of a highly dysfunctional and disordered person. I have insecurities, I have wounds, I may trust a little too much, I get angry, etc. BUT I am a good person that respects people. I give and love unconditionally, and I know when enough is enough. I get hurt but I do not destroy and punish people because of this, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and ALLOW them the opportunity to talk and work through things. Narcissists do not do this – they prey on ALL of our vulnerabilities.

Go no/minimal contact and stay as far away from them as physically possible. Add to this that you must also train yourself to distance yourself as far away EMOTIONALLY as possible too! SERIOUSLY know that they never loved you nor could they love you because they are void of emotion! This means that you DON’T trespass in their abode or hunting grounds, and do not peek at their online social sites. Also do not ever get into conversations, phone calls or texts thinking that they are missing you and softening in their approach to you, they are only gaining information to use against you. Remember they were very adept at abusing you and putting you in the place of despair that you are presently in. You have put your best foot forward or probably both feet and every other thing you could put forward to end up where you are now. They do not change overnight or EVER for that matter. Remember that you cannot fight and expect to win on their turf because it is disordered, delusional and abusive. That is not what you or I are about, nor will we ever be able to wrap our heads around a Narcissist’s dark and destructive lifestyle. We are people of empathy, integrity, respectful, and loving – and we must embrace this and protect ourselves by moving on and away from them. The truth ALWAYS comes out in the end! No/minimal contact. Greg

Empathy, caring and unconditional love can cure many things, but with a Malignant Narcissist it would be like throwing gas on a fire with the hopes to extinguish it.

Empathy, caring and unconditional love can cure many things, but with a Malignant Narcissist it would be like throwing gas on a fire with the hopes to extinguish it.

Here is my ‘ah ha’ quiz to help you SEE the real intentions of this abuser through their actions to diminish you. The “Ah Ha” quiz! Do any of these statements define you, or have you experienced any of the following?

 1. You always seem to feel physically tense, anxious, some aches and pains, stomachache, fast heart rate, difficulties breathing and fatigued.

 2. You never seem to know what to expect at any given moment on any given day with this PARTICULAR person. You feel like everything is about to turn upside down, even if you have a nice day planned. You just never know if some small thing is going to turn into an argument, or you will be raged at, made fun of, or silenced and punished. Your husband, wife, friend, partner, brother, sister, father or mother is seemingly caring and considerate one moment and then coldly dismisses you the next moment with no warning and no justification.

 3. You have developed a severely damaged sense of self-worth and self-esteem and always seem to be second guessing yourself or your worth in every situation with this person.

 4. EVERYTHING seems to have a negative spin attached to it. How you cook, how you clean, a gift you give, what you wear, your friends, your job, and your looks – everything is a TARGET FOR NEGATIVE COMMENTS.

 5. You have had prolonged bouts of depression and anxiety. You seem to cycle in and out of these periods of depression and anxiety and this seems to be in direct correlation with the chronological time you have spent with this person.

 6. You begin to doubt your own existence and your sense of reality as if somebody has kidnapped your spirit.

 7. You experience lack of sleep for prolonged periods of time.

 8. You feel as if you are not a real person in your relationship, more like a pet that is trained to do tricks like jumping through hoops, etc.

 9. You feel as if you are not allowed to voice your own thoughts and opinions or you will be put in your place, raged at, and even punished.

 10. You feel it is an enormous struggle to be heard or acknowledged as an individual.

 11. You feel that every problem in your relationship is somehow your fault, and you are always blamed and shamed for everything.

 12. You have experience exaggerated feelings of guilt and shame.

 13. You are always drawn back into trying to fix or relate to him/her even though you only experience pain/blame/shame in doing so. It becomes a vicious cycle that seems to only get worse.

 14. You feel trapped as if in an impossible situation, unable to find a way out.

 15. You feel as if you must fight all the time and are worn out and exhausted or basically forced into a corner all the time.

 16. You are confused constantly with racing thoughts, as if you are losing your mind trying to find some sort of peace.

 17. You feel as if you are surrounded with negativity. Everything you do, everything you say is met with some sort of comment that negates you or an action you do.

 18. Arguments seem to appear out of nowhere.

 19. You are made to feel physically ugly and mentally unstable with words or actions from this person.

 20. You feel like you are going insane, or better yet pushed to believe you are insane by actions that are not you like forgetfulness, missing items, etc.

 21. You are raw with emotions none of which make any sense to you anymore – but you know this feeling all too well anymore. Your thoughts may not even be clear enough at this point to understand that something is terribly wrong with you because you are always in a fog and basically DISSABLED. You are probably thinking of ways to “fix” the relationship AGAIN. Perhaps you may know that the situation is just not right, but you are even willing to “fix” him/her, but at what cost to you? You may even be getting ready to crawl back to your partner, but you know the drill so well because it is like a reoccurring dream where you are screaming and can’t be heard or trying to run and you aren’t able to move.

 YES, to all of the above in my situation – so WHY and HOW did I get there?

 Throughout my relationship, I knew that the person I was ‘with’ wasn’t emotionally well, I just didn’t know how unwell AND how emotionally unwell I had become for even wanting to continue and staying in this toxic relationship. I was blindsided by the ‘love bombing’ and believing the “woe-be-me” stories/excuses in the beginning which are the most dangerous of the tools a Narcissist uses to trap their target.

 For those who have been through it, I don’t need to explain any of this. It just didn’t make any sense to me! It was like something inside of them is/was wrong, injured, or whatever (rotten.) Unfortunately, I believed it could be healed or fixed and I kept applying “bandages” in an attempt to fix something SO unseen and so deep and damaged that I couldn’t even begin to understand it yet alone fix it. I WAS TOTALLY BLINDSIDED by what was just abuse and what a predator does to capture its prey – it starts with how the camouflage themselves.

 Empathy, caring and unconditional love can cure many things, but with a Malignant Narcissist it would be like throwing gas on a fire with the hopes to extinguish it. They are not there for love by any means and that defines the abhorrent being that they truly are. Narcissist’s scheme, manipulate, brainwash, and most importantly USE EMOTIONS to make people believe they had something that was real and wonderful with them to con and take from them, and then debase, dehumanize, and destroy that person once they got all they came for. But that is the downfall of anybody that buys into this abhorrent relationship with them – BELIEVING!

 Normal in my relationship was basically achieving ONE SINGLE DAY without some sort of incident where I was blamed, shamed, or punished AND RAGED at for something or other – and usually something delusional or unreal. “Normal” simply meant that my Narcissist was still there, and we achieved a complete day without an incident. What was so hidden behind all of this was the reality of just what was there with me – a lying, betraying, perverted, manipulative, cheating, delusional, disordered, vile, and VOLATILE human being that got off on hurting and punishing me. An argument (out of nowhere) would always end up as 3 days of silence and punishment – and the opportunity for this Narcissist to constantly cheat with anything/everything that said yes. This sounds crazy but it is the real truth – UNFORTUNATELY the truth isn’t apparent when we need it to be because they are PROs at this game. Add to this that we tend to view the world in a NORMAL or reality-based manner, and within that thought process I NEVER thought another adult was capable of doing the things this person did to me and my family. It is like the iceberg theory – what you see above the water is MINOR compared to what is beneath the water! Greg

WHY do Narcissists always play the victim when THEY are clearly the problem, the provoker, the chaotic person, and the ABUSER?

WHY do Narcissists always play the victim when THEY are clearly the problem, the provoker, the chaotic person, and the ABUSER? Because it is just another mask/façade they wear to make their many DECEPTIVE agendas and lies work! They hide behind sympathy to cover up how THEY have abused another person – and use it as an opportunity to BLAME and create a smear campaign against the very person they abused! They also LOVE to play on and USE the sympathies of others for gain and while they are doing that, they are also able to pull a ‘supporter or minion’ into the mix to help them condemn a past victim or destroying the reputation of someone they want to attack. Actualizing the truth empowers us and takes their power away. Remember that they have compartmentalized MANY sources of supply and have charmed them into their roles as they did to us to achieve every possible agenda.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

A Narcissist is COMPLETELY calculating in every area of life to CONTROL people and their environment. They refuse ANY connection or obedience to the basic requirements of life or the natural moral laws as they apply to life and human rights – and they void all of that with BLAME and playing the VICTIM. Obedience to a Narcissist implies that there is something larger or better than what they are, and they will never comply because it would define them as being weak to allow anyone to feel significant enough to be their equal or better. It is almost like the Narcissist completely relates everything in life to a measurement – but this measurement begins with them – or as the saying goes, the sun rises and sets on a Narcissist because they feel they are above all life.

Remember what I have said before about their everchanging ‘personalities’ – the Narcissist creates the terms of how THEY measure life – so if they were a “tape measure or a ruler”, they would determine the dynamics of each and every measurement OR define every inch of every foot – and you can believe that it would not be consistent as it is SUPPOSED to be. The Narcissist must be ‘that’ which measures (and judges) and NEVER that WHICH IS MEASURED and NEVER judged. Literally they “coin” the phrase “give them an inch and they will take a mile.” Well, that and anything they can get their tentacles around. Along with this remember that they will ALWAYS move the goalposts – especially to keep our emotions tangled up trying to please them. THEN when it is time for them to move on because they found something new – they will kick those goalposts so far away and out of reach by making you and I out to be the abuser. That is their way of saying goodbye as well as a way of protecting themselves from being exposed as the real abuser. Victimization gives them just another path to avoid facing their past if questioned and just their lack of empathy. NO, they do not care if they destroy you or I as long as they are not outed. Remember too that sympathy is also another form of supply to them too.

A Narcissist is calculating for the sake of procuring power! Power allows them the control over others that they need to function and survive in our world. It also protects them from exposure and facing the truth of their own disordered and abusive lifestyle. This false mask hides AND protects the Narcissist from having to face themselves off in the mirror and see the reality of WHAT THEY ARE – a modern day ‘DENIAL’ monster that is destructive and abuses life and people. They most assuredly destroy a target that catches on to them, plus they already have the replacement waiting in the wings to pick up the whole process where they left it off with us, stealing ‘supply’ and sucking the very life out of the new target. No fuss, no muss, and never emotions or love just a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist has a new host ready and waiting – seriously this is the truth.

Their entire life is built upon this premise to find “supply” to shore up their façade and they will employ the most devious means at their disposal to get it. So, this chameleon like Narcissist has many colors that help them adapt to every situation that exists that include every gambit of life – from like, love, dislike, hate, destruction, and victimization – and this is all very functional to them as well as mechanical to them and their lifestyle to GET WHAT THEY WANT. The key thing here is that they are abusive and psychologically damaging to people because they loathe people and life and create personal battles to make us pay for their hate.

Nevertheless, our first experiences with the Narcissist have allowed us to believe in a prince/princess ‘charming’ who have done great things in our lives like “loving us” so we hold on to/keep the faith and live with this Narcissist’s amazing BUT fake integrity. It is our empathy, love and basic trust that are targeted. The Narcissist has bamboozled us through this wondrous and seemingly normal façade that IMITATES extreme goodness as well as fake virtues that we hold in good faith BUT really with little or no real accountability and that was a BIG OOPS. SO, there within the problem LIES – the Narcissist is so very adept at circumventing the intellect and manipulating man/womankind by their craft or better yet craftiness that they have perfected all of their life, so they target us where it counts – OUR EMOTIONS, TRUST, and LOVE!

Because Narcissists have depleted or deleted their character so profoundly through choices contrary to the norms of reason or basic DENIAL, they will even begin to see themselves as what they project, mirror, and bounce off us. If you are not governed by any natural or moral laws, but by the law of “whatever you want to be to get whatever you want” well then you hold great power, but you need to CONTROL the world to achieve this superiority, so the narcissist is fundamentally a dictator in all of their relationships because this is what they want to be – it is always about controlling their victim and using whatever they can to get there. In the end they will ALWAYS play the victim card to throw blame back onto us.

That CHARMING person that swept you off your feet and became the HARMING person in your life will always become increasingly more and more transparent and shoe that VAST array of fake personalities. From beginning to end, this was a phony relationship that only offered you a toxic dose of fake care, love, and real abuse. The Narcissist created a psychopathic bond through deception and manipulation – LIES, LIES, LIES – and we were seduced by them and maintained this relationship through self-sacrifice and denial. It is not what we wanted it was what we were led to do because of the vast arsenal of tools a Narcissist used/uses to psychologically seduce a target/victim. No/minimal contact so that you can return to a healthy life. Greg

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