There is absolutely NO reasoning with a Narcissist because there is no reality to them!

FACT: There is absolutely NO reasoning with them because there is no reality with a Narcissist – only their reactions to constantly control, manipulate, and malign their target/victim to serve THEIR agenda through CHARM and HARM – or fear and control.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Because the Narcissist lacks ANY of the skills required to make human connections OR bond with people, they must COSTANTLY search out and obtain his/her fix/drug or external supply (objectifying people). The very people (you and I) who are supposed to sustain the Narcissists grandiose fantasies through their adoration and attention will always be devalued in the process. This is especially true once we learn the truth and discover that they were merely objects and the Narcissist’s reality is full of betrayal, lies, and manipulation to support their agenda — and the complete devaluation and discard will be right around the corner! They are just too repulsive and dangerous to interact with. This is the truth that becomes apparent when that mask slips and all of the lies and betrayal become too apparent to ignore anymore, but YOU will be the person blamed and punished horribly for trying to friend, care, or love them in a normal manner. Everyone will be cycled through the Narcissists needy agenda as just another source of supply to use, deplete and then discard.

Their life boils down to an accumulation of targets/victims, sexual partners, and whatever property gains they manage to extort. As many spouses know Narcissists will have children with them as well, and sometimes children to other spouses or partners. It is sort of like a collection of human beings for the Narcissist or better yet objects that have no emotional depth or the chance of a worthwhile life with this Narcissist acting like a real parent. Malignant Narcissist are so heartless and callous that they reject their own children, once they devalue and discard the target/victim spouse. BUT they will portray themselves as the BETTER spouse that is a complete care giver to these children, often taking credit for things the abused spouse has done in reality.

So the truth here is that their abuse is absolute and fundamental to the Narcissist’s survival in the real world. The Narcissist can’t change and, most importantly, they DON’T want to change. They inhabit a fantasy world which becomes reality for them and those they manage to brainwash. There is no reality or truth for any person that resides in their world. It is a train wreck waiting to happen and there are always many victims. In their world the truth and falsehood only holds a weak instrumental meaning as they apply it to any situation and there is absolutely no morality contained in any of their thoughts or actions.

We must imprint this message in our minds that at the core of the Narcissist’s psychopathy is a mindset governed by their grandiosity, lack of empathy for others, and a grand sense of entitlement and superiority that places them above laws and morality. The Narcissist grossly overestimates their abilities and accomplishments and underestimates the complete being of their target/victim. Simply put, the Narcissist should be able to do anything they wish, however harmful and destructive, because the Narcissist is better than others. In the Narcissist’s mind, by making us a part of their wonderful life by mere association with them, he/she passes on to us this grandiosity as if they are royalty and that is our reward. It is ridiculous and repulsive that they can believe this nonsense and more akin to pompousness and arrogance.

It is very hard to accept this truth, but you must to achieve your own personal closure with them. Knowledge is power and imperative in starting us out on our road to recovery with CLARITY – put your time and energy into yourself and discard EVERYTHING Narcissist as it concerns your heart, mind, soul, and life. No/Minimal contact to stop the chaos and crazy making that their lies create within our time with them. Greg

Narcissists are insecure, envious, and malicious so much so that they are ALWAYS on the defensive with their MANY facades because they have to be to look normal enough to fit into OUR world.

Narcissists are insecure, envious, and malicious so much so that they are ALWAYS on the defensive with their MANY facades because they have to be to look normal enough to fit into OUR world. They MUST control their environment especially IN PUBLIC because they KNOW what they are and they MUST protect themselves from being exposed as the abuser they are!.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

They are ALWAYS ahead of the game! A Narcissist has been betraying you all along with backstabbing and triangulation to constantly be in control. They do this for various reasons but basically to divide and conquer as well as to destroy the victims they abuse by discrediting them FIRST.

So the TRUTH and the real lesson about a Narcissist: Again the Narcissist creates the grand illusion of a “special bond” or “love” for those whom he finds most useful at any given moment. This interprets as those who enhance his/her reputation, or help him/her lure or procure other sexual partners, or offer him/her money, property, status, etc. For those unlucky individuals that the Narcissists fosters a relationship with it is really to isolate and target us for the time being to drain us of whatever it is that Narcissist is after, and they hoard over (isolate) us until they have gotten all they can get. Everyone who sees through the Narcissist’s mask of insanity or exposes his/her lies becomes an “enemy” in the Narcissist’s eyes, and therefore a target of his/her hatred and will be devalued and destroyed!

Their life boils down to an accumulation of targets/victims, sexual partners, and whatever property gains they manage to extort. As many spouses know Narcissists will have children with them as well, and sometimes children to other spouses or partners. It is sort of like a collection of human beings for the Narcissist or better yet objects that have no emotional depth or the chance of a worthwhile life with this Narcissist acting like a real parent. Malignant Narcissist are so heartless and callous that they reject their own children, once they devalue and discard the target/victim spouse. BUT they will portray themselves as the BETTER spouse that is a complete care giver to these children, often taking credit for things the abused spouse has done in reality.

So the truth here is that their abuse is absolute and fundamental to the Narcissist’s survival in the real world. The Narcissist can’t change and, most importantly, they DON’T want to change. They inhabit a fantasy world which becomes reality for them and those they manage to brainwash. There is no reality or truth for any person that resides in their world. It is a train wreck waiting to happen and there are always many victims. In their world the truth and falsehood only holds a weak instrumental meaning as they apply it to any situation and there is absolutely no morality contained in any of their thoughts or actions.

We must imprint this message in our minds that at the core of the Narcissist’s psychopathy is a mindset governed by their grandiosity, lack of empathy for others, and a grand sense of entitlement and superiority that places them above laws and morality. The Narcissist grossly overestimates their abilities and accomplishments and underestimates the complete being of their target/victim. Simply put, the Narcissist should be able to do anything they wish, however harmful and destructive, because the Narcissist is better than others. In the Narcissist’s mind, by making us a part of their wonderful life by mere association with them, he/she passes on to us this grandiosity as if they are royalty and that is our reward. It is ridiculous and repulsive that they can believe this nonsense and more akin to pompousness and arrogance. There is only one way with a Narcissist – their way and we must reject that and get as far away from them as we can or be pulled down deeper and deeper into their psychopathy to the point that it can drive us to the point of disparity or insanity. No/minimal contact to BREAK the cycle of their abuse always. Knowledge and education about this abuse is imperative to starting on your road to recovery! Greg

How did we get pulled into this desperate relationship?

HOW did we get pulled into this desperate relationship?

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist idealizes his/her victim for a while – just like “courting” in the ‘old’ days. This “courting” period is the most important aspect of the “big con” that the Narcissist is creating personally for us – it is an investment for them. The Narcissist brings out the best in their target AND mirrors our good qualities back onto us. This could be the very reason why we think our Narcissist is so AMAZING — because he/she is mirroring our belief system, our code of ethics, our every like and dislike, our morality, and they even become a part of our family and circle of friends – they SEEM to be a dream come true. Unfortunately, the dream swiftly turns into a nightmare. We are only seeing ourselves being reflected back to us as if the Narcissist has everything in common with our life. These character traits are nonexistent in the Narcissist and this is an insidious betrayal on their part to gain our trust through pretending to be real, as well as faking one of the most beautiful emotions LOVE (which comes with our undying trust), so they can extort our lives and twist our minds/emotions to destroy what they can.

Normal love is a strong emotion that we build up to, but once there we hand our heart AND our trust over unconditionally to this person because usually they reciprocate in the same manner and that is what starts the journey, but with a Narcissist it is a death sentence. Everybody pursues a relationship at some point in their life because it is part of the human condition and normally we can identify the ‘jerks’ but a Narcissist is a predator and seamless with their game and pursuit and the ‘love bombing’ is the bait they use to be successful in making us a source of supply. This is not being foolish, allowing this abuse, wanting it, being weak or any of the above – it was horrendous manipulation at the hands of a ‘not fully functioning human being’ that had an agenda AND still does.

Remember a Narcissist’s survival is dependent on finding constant sources of supply and really a matter of life and death as far as they are concerned. It is like going to a doctor to have surgery, and you just trust that this really is a doctor that will have your best interests and health in mind. You have met the doctor, the doctor has been part of your community and seems functional, so you go through with the surgery because you believe this doctor is REAL. Narcissists usually come across as functioning and ‘normal’ people too and you would think that the world would know what a fraud they really are, but the Narcissist carefully keeps their past well hidden. I did realize the truth of my situation, but what conspired between the love bombing and when I finally figured out the truth was dehumanizing and disabling psychological abuse. Giving a Narcissist credit that they are NOT cognitive of their actions is like enabling any other criminal that has acted out against the law and dehumanized another person with their actions. Narcissists are psychological rapists pure and simple and they need to be made accountable for their crimes!

You will come out of this. You will form new and strong boundaries. You will reflect on your own inner conflicts and resolve them. You will grow with the knowledge that there are bad people out there that can and will destroy you. You will learn to differentiate the reality of good and bad in life and seek out the goodness in others and return it naturally as it should be. You will find what is important in life and live with an inner peace from knowing this horrid adversity. It is a life changing reality when someone psychologically rapes and terrorizes your mind. It is an unnecessary evil, but you now realize it exists in your world and you will protect yourself at all costs from returning to this monster or allowing a similar monster into your life. It all starts with no/minimal contact to break the chain around your neck! It also requires that you accept the reality of a Narcissist and NEVER return to them in AANY manner as in trying to figure them out, understand them, and feel a need to help them or associate with anything that concerns them. Put all of that away so you can put positive energy into yourself and your recovery! No/minimal contact to break the cycle of this abuse. Greg

A Narcissist is like a great actor that draws from his/her audience to create a reality that is believable or real enough that the audience becomes completely engaged with the story, emotions, beliefs, feelings or all of it.

A Narcissist is a great actor that draws from his/her audience to create a reality that is believable or real enough that the audience becomes completely engaged with the story, emotions, beliefs, feelings or all of it. The audience in return believes this character, their fake script and engages with them – unfortunately the reality of it all is that it is only a show and with a bad ending.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

FIRST and FOREMOST, most of us fell in love with or cared for one of these Narcissists – but it was FAKE, not real, a con job and a means for them to use us as Narcissistic supply. Huge and I mean an ABSOLUTELY huge betrayal and the sign of a highly disordered individual, so implant this message firmly into your mind! They thrive on admiration so they select an audience or a particular person that fulfills their particular need at any particular time that they have that need and that is key here. We were all objectified to fulfill THEIR NEEDS. Like a great actor, a Narcissist draws from the audience/person to create a reality that is believable and we, as the audience, become engaged with the complete story, emotions, beliefs, feelings and all. We empathize with the character in that fake script and we believe that show they put on for us.

The Narcissist is just like that actor, but he/she isn’t doing it for entertainment purposes – this is their whole life and reality that is ALL based on lies. We don’t know it is a huge con job at the time because our hearts are ruling our heads and we don’t know that he/she (the person we are with) is not a fully functioning human being as well that lacks any and all empathy. Furthermore, we do not know they are abusive and will destroy our lives and run off with whatever they can take from us. Read this paragraph to anybody that hasn’t experienced this abuse and they will probably shake their head in disbelief and think you are crazy – BUT IT IS THE TRUTH. NOW imagine if you will that it is JUST as crazy for us (target/victims) to relate to and try to put it in a realistic perspective to create our own closure and recover from a predator that attacked our lives in this manner! This is new to you and at this point you have spent more time in the NON-truth of your situation than you have with the truth that you are finally realizing. So it is a process to achieve the clarity and that is how no contact is going to help you achieve this.

If we honestly evaluate what has happened during the aftermath, we can identify times where we were in full-fledged denial of the obvious facts – I sure was! Our partners had changed and we chose to believe that their viciousness and cruel behavior was caused by something we had done wrong. A big NO to that because we were in denial of this barrage of manipulation that a shrewd Narcissist used to fulfill their agenda. Our intuition WAS warning us but our hearts and mind were ignoring that. It is also not a sign of weakness or stupidity on our part, instead it was a slow and insidious process of extreme manipulation, betrayal and brain-washing that stole our self-esteem and changed us. It is not hard to understand how it could happen because a Narcissist employs an array of manipulation techniques that warps human emotions AND the very ones we all cherish and try to emulate into our lives – and that is love. Love is many things that includes happiness, trust, personal bonding, empathy, attraction, growth, etc., or a very normal, unconditional and REWARDING emotion that can be real with a real person, and once again the Narcissist was nothing even near real. They know about love but they use a “fake love” to grab our trust, take what they wanted, then destroy it all right in our faces and manipulate us back to take more – basic and negative conditioning!

So, we fell (were conned) into LOVE. But an unnatural and abusive love is nothing even remotely near a normal love and it comes with a great price. That price is the very truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem and belief system. We constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND ourselves and in doing so, our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools. Their manipulation, betrayal, control, lies and acting out “trained” us to provide them with supply and they stepped up the game to get the most, if not ALL they could from us OR until they were caught and identified as the monster they are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth and THIS became our normal trying to make this work. We didn’t give them the power to abuse us, we MISTAKINGLY opened our hearts with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise. THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO because they repeat this cycle many times over with many people and lie to cover it all up!

So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship) that believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, love, individuality, AND a real relationship, we just tried to follow the natural flow or path of a NORMAL relationship. Unfortunately, what we didn’t know is that we had inadvertently set the stage for Narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them. That is a big NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM. Like a spoiled child, a Narcissist will act out in rage against ANY individual who is keeping them from getting what they want constant supply, admiration, adulation and total control over their target. So, what that interprets into is ANY individual that has personal needs (or basic individuality) is in direct conflict to the Narcissist’s agenda of complete admiration and adoration. You and I both know that can’t be remotely possible in any given relationship.

During what I call my “processing phase” I thought about all the arguments that seemed to come from nowhere and escalated to an “out of control” status for absolutely no reason. There were never any questions asked, instead there were always accusations from my Narcissist CONCERNING me. I was everything bad or evil, everything mentally ill. I was perverse, having affairs, lying, cheating, stealing and anything else bad that this Narcissist could think up. It was the creative and DESTRUCTIVE mind of a highly disordered person acting out of their deep seeded pathology. These were really diversions and projections of what this Narcissist was actually doing to me and they were shoved down my throat in an effort for this Narcissist to release from the shame and blame they should HAVE OWNED themselves for these hideous acts. Unfortunately I didn’t have the education to process this as Narcissistic projection and shame dumping, so I processed all of this the best I could and that was by basically shaking my head in complete confusion!

Next it was an attempt to make me feel totally and unequivocally unworthy through making fun of me, triangulating, back-stabbing, isolating, silencing and punishing me. This defines the relationship with a Narcissist, or totally and hysterically dysfunctional with an edge that always serves the Narcissist’s agenda. I reflected many times on some of the Narcissists arguments or statements that now seem so characteristically insecure and childlike to me. It was such a surprise coming from an adult, but I justified it and wrote it off as this Narcissist’s “immaturity.” I wanted this Narcissist to be the person I believed the Narcissist to be when my heart assigned itself to loving this Narcissist and somehow I would resolve or justify my own beliefs. If you love them, you will accept them for WHO they are and work with them, time will work to heal all of this and the bigger picture was what was important to me. Too bad I didn’t realize the PSYCHOPATHY behind all of this. REMEMBER there was a great deal of “love bombing” so the Narcissist could gain our trust to get us to believe they were our soul mate that LOVED us – and that created the emotional bond to them. I wasn’t overlooking the obvious because I wasn’t seeing the WHOLE picture or the lies, cheating, betrayal, brain-washing and everything else that is kept so hidden from all of us. That doesn’t happen right away but instead when it is too late and you have formed that strong emotional bond with them AND after they have been subtly gaslighting, manipulating, and conditioning us.

That is, perhaps, the most difficult and devastating outcome of a Narcissistic relationship, mustering up the strength as well as adopting the position to accept that your partner was just pathologically abusive and cruel AND now you must abandon them and the relationship COMPLETELY or ‘no contact!’ It is a difficult and an unnatural process to have to dump the past completely, as well as your emotions, dreams, plans, the family structure (they abandon/abuse their own biological children as well), with all of those years you spent together and the memories that are also fake. IT IS AN ABHORATION of human life as well as human dignity to use/harm/destroy another individual in the manner a Malignant Narcissist does. After you get to your ‘ah ha’ moment or the truth, you are then left with the arduous task of finding yourself again with this monkey on your back.

So here we are with the truth. We have to stand up again and brush ourselves off and start walking forward again and realize our own culpability in the exchange with this Malignant Narcissist. We believed it was love when it wasn’t, and we are in a place that is called abuse (which is new to the equation) and the journey to recovery must start NOW through this understanding of JUST HOW DISORDERED this partner was to our entire life. Now we MUST go “no contact” because we have educated ourselves with the truth and we have to stop anymore attempts on the Narcissist’s part to abuse us anymore BECAUSE THEY WILL.

Apart from all of that, I live, and I love again as an outcome of taking the first step of ‘no contact.’ Now I accept that there are people in this world who represent darkness and evil and I DO NOT allow them anywhere near my life. It is not my place to fix them, make them better or to even tolerate them. Life is good without Narcissists/Psychopaths and toxic people that always try to drag us into their negativity and backward world. I also know myself better, I am myself, I love myself, I enjoy life, and find the world a wonderful place to be in. I have good and great relationships. I know that I finally faced the truth and worked through it which included fixing certain parts of ME. I was not a deer frozen in the headlights and stayed in that position dazed forever. I was an adult with many resources and I learned how to use them. I accepted that abnormal people had entered into my life. I accepted that they left damage in their wake and I needed to get them out of my life. Unless you do that, unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out. You will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU, instead it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life. Educate yourself and go “no contact” AND educate others once you understand the reality of this abuse and the damage it does to many undeserving and beautiful people. You are amazing, and you CAN and will beat this! No/minimal contact always! Greg

We must discard the Narcissist from our world and life to move forward.

Once we understand the truth about a Narcissists we MUST walk away from them and completely reject their attempts at using and abusing us because we are dealing with a disordered and dangerous personality. We MUST empower ourselves with this truth to heal and move forward to a healthy lifestyle once again. No more NARCISSIST!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

This sums it up perfectly with a Narcissist – there is no ‘real self’ – but there are many facsimiles/facades that serve whatever need the narcissist may have at ANY given moment. It is all about their convenience and what serves them!

A Narcissist is so seductive that he/she makes you believe in him/her with your whole heart, mind and soul. Unfortunately for all who tread on this emotional rollercoaster with a Narcissist they don’t realize just how dangerous this CON-nection with them is until it is too late.

The charm a Narcissist utilizes creates an oblivious feeling of being connected and very attracted to most everything about them. We can become fascinated with someone because of their physical beauty BUT a charming and captivating narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks, definitely, can increase the magnetic pull towards the Narcissist, but that is not at the core of this abuse, it is the manufactured charm that is a psychologically and deceptive tool used to manipulate, condition, manage you down and CONTROL you.

They charm people to death (figuratively) and this is what literally attracts us to them. But with a Narcissist it is a magnetism that makes you feel a sort of hypnotizing attraction that manifests itself in your psyche and your soul! In reality you are being charmed by their power of REFLECTING back everything that is YOU creating this intoxicating and deep rooted bond. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you’ve known them a long time, have so much in common, soul mates, and you feel very safe with them – perhaps you have known them in a prior life or whatever fantasy belief that Narcissist has instilled in your mind.

This is the Narcissist’s goal and they are the biggest con artists that exist, and they mean to extort everything they can from you. They have unlocked the door to your head, and they are planning on using that entry to their advantage. They will move right in manipulate and manage down most everything that is your reality as you KNEW it. A skilled and extreme narcissist knows just how to reflect your image right back onto you so that you feel like you are almost twins. What’s not to like and trust when you have EVERYTHING in common?

They lie to weasel their way in and out of any situation and come up smelling like a rose. They are pathological liars and controllers in every sense of the word and hide their hideous and perverted life. This is the sad reality of a human connection with them and when you keep that connection alive it turns personally disastrous and destructive as the truth becomes evident that they are not fully functioning human beings and they will take your life down with them. Fortunately for some, we do eventually see the fakeness because they narcissists always get caught up in their many lies, betrayal, and inconsistencies – THAT is our ‘ah ha’ moment and that is when we must get out or be taken down by more of their chaos and abuse. No/minimal contact! Greg

When people tell you to just move on after abuse.

JUST MOVE ON – the words that totally invalidate the process of recovery for a target/victim of this abuse.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist

Nobody can JUST move on after a personal tragedy of ANY type! It requires healing, introspection, education, knowledge, and support and validation of the facts – AND – most importantly the ability to use your voice and your words to completely purge out the destructive messages from your abuser.

When a person tells a target/victim to just move on for instance, what message does that send? It says that what happened to you isn’t that important for you to be going on and on with all of your words and describing the details of your horrendous experience, etc. It is a total invalidation of your experience with this abuse and It makes the target/victim believe that they are over-reacting and in turn makes them feel as if they are inferior, overreacting, or damaged and ‘BAM’ the target/victim puts the blame back onto themselves and may even believe they are the problem or have mental health issues.

This is a traumatized victim, not a person that had an argument with someone they were in a relationship with that can be trivialized with words like “just move on!’ Add to this just where WOULD the target/victim go for help WHEN they are so confused and THEN can’t get immediate support for the abuse. Most will go BACK TO THE SOURCE OF THEIR PROBLEM, or their abuser especially if they are ostracized, invalidated, and ignored by friends and family telling them they are overreacting. So again, they try to source out the remedy to fix things through the very person that abused them – THUS the cycle continues. Traumatization requires viable solutions and answers that validates the reality that their situation was out of the normal circumstances of day to day relationship issues and NOT something that the person experiencing this trauma can just reason away (cognitive dissonance.) Unfortunately, some target/victims go on for years without validation and only develop coping skills that are not even viable as far as moving forward and back into a welcoming world because they accept that somehow they were to blame.

This is what so many of the victims of Narcissistic abuse experience. They look for answers to insurmountable and complex questions AND trying to get help from the people in their immediate surroundings but unfortunately they don’t have the answers or even a concept of how deep this abuse has entangled so many levels of the victim’s life. The people you are trying to convey this too can ONY answer from their experience of love/relationships that more than likely did not include abuse. The target/victim only ends up feeling more isolated with all of these thoughts and unanswered questions still replaying in their heads. They may not even know that what they are experiencing is trauma and many don’t even realize that they were a target/victim of psychological abuse as well. Trauma requires a great deal of time, energy and therapy to allow the victim/target to reacquaint themselves and feel comfortable in their own skin as well as returning to what they believed about life before the trauma from this abuse. Basically, it is deprograming the emotional and psychological terrorism that the Narcissist has administered.

Empowering ourselves has its value and place and that is to give ourselves back truth and authenticity as it concerns our situation. This happens through education and knowledge first and THAT will start to guide us CORRECTLY into recovery or basically one of many steps. We have to understand that our abuse was situational and from a personality disordered Narcissist – then and only then can we put together the other components that GOT us there and KEPT us there dancing with this destructive Narcissist. It will be different for every person. But we CANNOT force the issue and bury the abuse and trauma by just moving on. Do we ALWAYS want to blame ourselves and forever feel we were responsible because we were not powerful enough and if it happens again we are definitely the problem here? Probably we would end up believing so and that is just defeating the purpose of healing by saying we are just that weak that we always allow ourselves to be abused. No again this is debilitating emotional and psychological rape. No abuse is ever our fault so proper perspective must be a part of the process so that it triggers the correct response when red flags are waving at us.

If we should happen to fail in the future, we will work through it with a new and better perspective. This perspective must give us a clear understanding of the abuse we experienced so we can assimilate that into our future thoughts and connections in the future. Clarity through the truth is what creates a pathway to recovery. It enables us to see that this was abuse and that will enable us to release from all of the ‘what ifs’ or getting the Narcissist completely out of our heart and mind and turning it all around so that we can concentrate on our own personal healing and our future life. We have the ability to move on whereas a Narcissist will always be stuck in their dark void forever and playing their same delusional games by cycling people in and out of their dark and abusive world. You are amazing and will overcome all of this and grow stronger. Greg
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Narcissists intentionally malign ALL PEOPLE!

Narcissists intentionally malign ALL people with the sole purpose to feel powerful and to control them.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Each and every conversation with them is nothing more than a ‘con opportunity’ to either GET at something they want, to manage a person down, confuse them, divert from the real truth, hurt the person, make them feel unworthy, gaslight them to make them feel like they have issues, triangulate to divide and conquer, backstab, etc. Be assured that there is always an agenda attached to their words that benefits THEM and absolutely NO sincerity or truth to their words!

You can’t have reality in a situation where there is none, especially a situation that is embellished with toxic behavior to constantly push your buttons, play with your emotions and take you to your lowest level. The Narcissist will ultimately step up their game of their abuse with betrayal, MORE pathological lies, gas-lighting, backstabbing, etc., but again this starts out as a slow and very ambiguous abuse. Unfortunately, it disables the target/victims capacity to function normally within the relationship and then it is too late because the target/victim is somewhere between their emotional connection (love) and the vast confusion caused by the debasing and dehumanizing psychological warfare.

Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting). Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are ‘losing it’ or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. This is the shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with all people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality, but you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of this endless maze of abuse! No/minimal contact to break the cycle of this abuse! Greg

Why the Narcissist attacks our goodness and integrity.

Why the Narcissist attacks our goodness and integrity – for control! Knowledge is power to gain the clarity to release from the chains of their abuse that haunts your mind, heart, and soul.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Used together, projection, blaming, shaming, and smearing are a works of art and magic for the Narcissist to fulfil their cycle of managing us down OR abuse – AND it is uncanny how Narcissists manage to accomplish it. It’s all in the way their words are carefully manipulated and placed because not only do they ditch one of their faults, they muddy up one of your virtues in the process until they eradicate all of your goodness, devalue you, and make you accept the blame FOR WHAT THEY ACTUALLY DID. They are so glib and amazingly adept at “killing two birds with that one stone.” NONE of what they say or do is true about what they say about you – it is just another manipulative ploy at managing you down further and further into confusing disparity to destroy your heart, soul, core values and life. They will even go to the point of name calling or making fun of you to achieve devaluation if all else fails. I have been there and have been attacked in this manner when I wouldn’t give into the chaos. They revert to a psycho bully because there is no empathy in their heart, so they just DO NOT CARE what it takes to stay in control even if that means destroying you or me. REMEMBER – this started out with the most amazing trick of their trade – that CHARM and love-bombing.

The reason you eventually end up devalued and discarded is because this is a personality disorder character you are dealing with and NOT a normal person. They don’t have any expertise in any realm of human relationships or loving anyone. It is only a matter of time that their mask slips and their true disdain and hatred for the connection they forced on you/us surfaces – and THAT is what you are dealing with or THEIR personality disorder – NONE of this has anything to do with YOU. Their real disconnection with people is their reality and it ALWAYS sends them off in another direction to find new people to feed their perverted lifestyle – and they MUST devalue you to keep that supply coming.

They have to seek out more viable supply to get that high back because they CAN’T participate in real intimacy and let it grow and they only FAIL at it miserably BECAUSE IT IS ALL BASED ON LIES, but they have convinced us that we are at fault and we internalize it as the reality of our situation – and unfortunately they use emotional and psychological rape and terrorism to do this. They are fighting a battle with themselves that demands putting their full attention into their ‘WORKING false mask’ and fortress because this is what feeds their constant neediness – it is like an addiction with them because without supply they have nothing. Remember they cannot internalize any emotions – so what is left – getting their satisfaction from the external world or objectification and that can’t carry them for long. They are like a car that is constantly running on a near empty tank of fuel because they cannot fill that tank up EVER so they have to make many stops to add a little bit more fuel to keep going or else.

OK, so the point here is that it is very important understand some of the mechanics that will hopefully help you release from the blame and shame that the Narcissist dumped into your head. You don’t deserve to carry a debt for the time you spent with this person. You ARE a normal and loving human being that is equipped with empathy and you proved that all along. Do you ever remember feeling like this before you got involved with this Narcissist? NO, unless you were with another Narcissist. You didn’t magically go from a good person to an insensitive, non-caring person that couldn’t do anything right in this crazy and debilitating relationship. You are not crazy or insane either. You were emotionally abused by a very defective person that ultimately managed you down more and more until eventually you lost sight of the real you. You will become that real person you once were because unlike the Narcissist WE ARE ABLE TO CHANGE. You were disabled by the extreme tactics used on you. With introspection, time, support and real love, you can and will turn this all around. It is time for you to BELIEVE in yourself completely and discard everything and anything about what this Narcissist made you believe about yourself. They were a nightmare in your life, and now that you are awake and free from them it is time to put the real perspective or truth back into your reality that you are a normal and amazing person that has the tools to become whole again. PLEASE no/minimal contact to start you out on that road to recovery!

Emotional and Psychological Abuse.

Emotional and Psychological Abuse!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Ask yourself how many times this has happened in ANY relationship you have had – be it a spouse, partner, friend, mother, father, sister, brother, co-worker, professional you seek out for care or help, boss, or any other person in your life. Emotional abuse is ABUSE pure and simple – and there is absolutely NO excuse for it, NOR do you deserve it, nor must you try to reconcile it EVER. Knowledge and education are imperative to recovering and being able to thrive — to accomplish this we must learn from our experiences and form healthy boundaries that disallow any toxic person from having access to our life.

OK, so some information/questions to help you understand some of the mechanics of emotional and psychological abuse that will hopefully help you release from the blame and shame that the Narcissist dumped into your head. You don’t deserve to carry a debt for the time you spent with this person or the ABUSE. You ARE a normal and loving human being that is equipped with empathy and you proved that all along. Do you ever remember feeling like this before you got involved with this Narcissist? NO, unless you were with another Narcissist. You didn’t magically go from a good person to an insensitive, non-caring person that could do nothing right in this crazy and debilitating relationship. You are not crazy or insane either. You were emotionally/psychologically abused by a very defective person that ultimately managed you down more and more until eventually you lost sight of the real you. You will become that real person you once were because unlike the Narcissist WE ARE ABLE TO CHANGE. You were disabled by the extreme tactics used on you. With introspection, time, support and real love, you can and will turn around. It is time for you to BELIEVE in yourself completely and discard everything and anything about what this Narcissist made you believe about yourself. They were a nightmare in your life, and now that you are awake and free from them it is time to put the real perspective or truth back into your reality that you are a normal and amazing person that has the tools to become whole again. You really have to use them to succeed, so PLEASE no/minimal contact to start you out on that road to recovery!

My ‘ah ha’ quiz:

The “Ah Ha” quiz! Do any of these statements define you, or have you experienced any of the following?

1. Do you always seem to feel physically tense, anxious, some aches and pains, stomach ache, fast heart rate, difficulties breathing and constantly fatigued?

2. D you never seem to know what to expect at any given moment on any given day with this PARTICULAR person? Do you feel like everything is about to turn upside down, even if you have a nice day planned? Do you feel like you just never know if some small thing is going to turn into an argument, or you will be raged at, made fun of, or silenced and punished? Is your husband, wife, friend, partner, brother, sister, father or mother seemingly caring and considerate one moment and then coldly dismisses you the next moment with no warning and no justification?

3. Have you developed a severely damaged sense of self-worth and self-esteem and always seem to be second guessing yourself or your worth in every situation with this person?

4. Does EVERYTHING seem to have a negative spin attached to it? How you cook, how you clean, a gift you give, what you wear, your friends, your job, and your looks – everything is a TARGET FOR NEGATIVE COMMENTS?

5. Do you have had prolonged bouts of depression and anxiety? Do you seem to cycle in and out of these periods of depression and anxiety and this seems to be in direct correlation with the chronological time you have spent with this person?

6. Do you doubt your own existence and your sense of reality as if somebody has kidnapped your spirit? Do you question your very own belief system?

7. Do you experience lack of sleep for prolonged periods of time?

8. Do you feel as if you are not a real person in your relationship, more like a pet that is trained to do tricks like jumping through hoops, etc.?

9. Do you feel as if you are not allowed to voice your own thoughts and opinions or you will be put in your place, raged at and even punished for being and individual with a voice?

10. Do you feel it is an enormous struggle to be heard or acknowledged as an individual in this particular relationship?

11. Do you feel that every problem in your relationship is somehow your fault and you are always blamed and shamed for everything?

12. Do you have experience exaggerated feelings of guilt and shame?

13. Are you always drawn back into trying to fix or relate to him/her even though you only experience pain/blame/shame in doing so? Does it seem like it has become a vicious cycle that seems to only get worse?

14. Do you feel trapped as if in an impossible situation, unable to find a way out?

15. Do you feel as if you have to fight all the time and are worn out and exhausted or basically forced into a corner all the time?

16. Are constantly feeling confusion with racing thoughts, as if you are losing your mind trying to find some sort of peace?

17. Do you feel as if you are surrounded by constant negativity? Everything you do, everything you say is met with some sort of comment that negates you or an action you do.

18. Do arguments seem to appear out of nowhere?

19. Are made to feel unattractive or even physically ugly and mentally unstable with words or actions from this person?

20. Do you feel like you are going insane, or better yet pushed to believe you are insane by actions that are not typically you like forgetfulness, losing items, etc.?

21. Are your emotions raw which doesn’t make any sense to you anymore – but you know this feeling is becoming all too familiar with you? Your thoughts may not even be clear enough at this point to understand that something is terribly wrong with you because you are always in a fog and basically DISSABLED. You are probably thinking of ways to “fix” the relationship AGAIN. Perhaps you may know that the situation is just not right but you are still hanging on and even willing to “fix” him/her, but at what cost to you? You may even be getting ready to crawl back to your partner, but you know the drill so well because it is like a reoccurring dream where you are screaming and can’t be heard or trying to run and you aren’t able to move. You feel frozen in this situation with no way out!

Greg

A Narcissist will tweak, twist, and distort your vulnerabilities and use then against you!

Whatever that Narcissist has said to you that has deeply hurt you or wounded you is NOT a real observation, it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you, define you, and gain control over you.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists are masters at putting a spin on the truth, using extreme manipulation, and playing mind games to get what they want. They play to win and get the rewards from the investment they put into scamming a new person, then it is a matter of functionality and survival in their world to avoid detection of who and what they really are, so they destroy all the evidence or basically the person they abused! That in itself says a lot because they obviously know what they do is WRONG! They are VERY poor losers and if they don’t completely win they will react in a fit of rage and terrorize the person they are already victimizing. The only way for any person to win is to not play in any of their games once you realize the truth of how disordered and dangerous they are. Unfortunately, they don’t play fair in the first place and they trick you in and drag you into their delusional game to get WHAT THEY WANT!

Everyone to the Narcissist is in reality their opponent, UNFORTUNATELY nobody realizes that they are playing a game with the Narcissist and that is where the Narcissist gains the advantage or has the upper hand! The Narcissist is playing this game for themselves so they can deflect you from seeing the reality or avoiding the truth about what they really are – they DO NOT self-reflect, they self-DEFLECT. They do this with the expectation that they won’t have to take responsibility for their behavior. Narcissists do not take responsibility for their own actions instead they deflect by blaming, shaming, projection, denial, etc. You will do what you have always done-forgive the Narcissist, make excuses for the Narcissist’s behavior, claim the Narcissist couldn’t help themselves because of a bad day, or justifying their destructive behaviors through your empathy and love AND that will ultimately fail you completely.

You bend and bend until you almost snap in half when you try to give them the benefit of the doubt. It keeps you in a cycle that deflects away from their reality and distorts YOUR reality in turn and puts the burden onto and into you and becomes your new normal. You never have an opportunity to be an individual, nor see how they are actually pulling the wool over your eyes because of the MANY levels of confusion and diversion they use to process you into that role with them. They are betraying every aspect of your life and you are too busy babysitting their every whim and trying to fix things once again. They know how to confound and confuse their targets/victims, as well as condition and manipulate them through their temper tantrums, anger, rage, managing them down, or punishing and silencing if you don’t play exactly the way they want you to! You HAVE to stop wanting to play the ‘game’ with them and eventually they WILL run away to find a new playmate and that is the miracle that will actually save your life.

The Narcissist is a master of FAKE emotions and empathy with a phony façade and life to match. They appear to take you in, care about you, understand everything you are experiencing, and they appear to genuinely put themselves in your shoes to understand “YOU” with acceptance and unconditional love. They observe and react with that resounding smile, approval, and unconditional care and love. All of this causes you to let your guard down and truly believe there is a genuine give-and-take in your relationship and a love that exists that is just for you. It is overwhelming to meet someone that is so much like you, so connected to your thoughts, and so reactive to meet your every need that you BELIEVE in them completely. BUT once they gain your trust they will pounce on you. They wait until you are perfectly comfortable with them and your guard is completely down or even perhaps having a low moment in your life and now the time has come to manage you down and to control you to manage the business at hand or secure the supply they came for.

What would you do if you were completely void of love and empathy, how would you interact in the normal world? Without emotions or the ability to bond you would have to control people to trap them into your defective world so you could essentially fit in and get/take what you need that you can’t accomplish on your own. Narcissists perfectly execute an emotional and psychological attack on their victim because their purpose is to wear you down, to humiliate you, and make you feel small and inferior and dependent on them OR again control. A Narcissist is not going to allow you to have feelings for YOURSELF and they are going to make you believe you are selfish and wrong for wanting ANY attention. There is no such thing as YOUR needs or individuality and they basically erase your personality bit by bit. They want what they want, and they have invested their time to mold you into a viable source of supply. Narcissists do not tolerate individuality because people are objects for them to use as they see fit. There is nothing more here than their agenda coming to fruition and you have to understand that THIS IS ALL IT WAS. Predator after their prey using camouflage to hide the truth to trap you – or that façade and mask. The simple truth is that a person that cannot relate to emotions or empathy cannot relate to another human being in the smallest way.

A Narcissist ALWAYS loves to make you feel that YOU are crazy, especially if you try to confront them, make them accountable, bring up past issues or behaviors, or expose them when they are doing something appalling or lying. Basically, YOU are told that you have an over active imagination, you don’t know what you are talking about, they have NO idea what you are talking about, or that you are simply making things up to cause problems and all of this is done to deflect from the reality of WHO THEY ARE. They’ll tell you that it is obvious that YOU are the one who is crazy (and tell you that everyone around you agrees with them about you being crazy). FURTHERMORE, they will claim not to remember any of these events, even flatly deny that they ever happened, and will NEVER accept the possibility that they might have forgotten. Your perceptions of normalcy and reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your own intuition, memory, processing your thoughts, or reasoning, AND constantly confused. The Narcissist is a master at spinning everything and deflecting to remain in control and keeping you vulnerable – this defines control!

The Narcissist will up the game to include destroying your soul, your ego, your accomplishments and any belief system you have to completely manage you down to feeling worthless. The way the game is played is for them to try to turn everything about you and everything you do, into a complete failure. The Narcissist has the reasoning of a child – but they act out like a controlling, demanding, and demeaning parent (more so toxic). No matter what your real age, you are never allowed to reach a viable emotional age with them especially one that allows for your individuality or growth with them – this is especially evident in children that were raised by a Narcissistic parent. You will always be treated like a stupid child, a bad child, a silly child, etc., and you will always be reprimanded and put in your place to honor them completely and NEVER question them! Consistent managing down is what all of this amounts to!

Everything with a Narcissist is competitive and every life situation is a competition that requires “one-upmanship”, to beat their opponent. It always involves a “payoff” for the Narcissist that is ALWAYS about them getting something or extorting everything they can and devaluing and hurting you somehow too. They feel superior within their ability to con, control, and destroy. Again, their delusional world is like a battleground with them against us because everybody and everything is a threat – be it real or perceived. They keep track of real AND imaginary things they believe you do, have done, or might do. It is a reactionary relationship with them, BUT you are the one that always has to explain your every word and action to them and made accountable when you are not serving their every whim and need! This is how they condition you and this is what they want – to CONTROL YOU.

Lastly what supports their lies is complete DENIAL. It is important to recognize that the Narcissist will never acknowledge that any games are being played AND the important point here is that it is up to YOU to stop playing. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to fix them, the situation or heal them! You will always be told you are wrong, they are right, and that you are in need of some serious help. You can’t get them to acknowledge or take responsibility for their words or actions because they will always say they didn’t do it or it never happened. They have to or else face real accountability and retribution for their actions and then their gig would be up, so they deflect with more lies, more manipulation, and punishing, silencing and abusing you! They will destroy you completely to avoid exposure.

The main point here is that what I described is a Narcissist and how they abuse. They are not fully functioning human beings. They do not connect on ANY level with human beings except to use them as supply. We can describe this as a superficial relationship, but it goes far beyond superficial because it is a toxic and destructive relationship that will completely drain you and disable you and your belief system. Your responsibility is to get your ‘ah ha’ moment and understand that they are the defective ones that emotionally and psychologically inflicted some deep wounds that have severely affected your psyche. BUT that is where you start on your road to recovery. There is another type of healing that involves your personal emotional wounds that the Narcissist sourced out and used against you. Healing involves you and only you closing all of those wounds permanently through your personal journey or recovery!

Whatever that Narcissist has said to you that has deeply hurt you or wounded you is NOT a real observation, it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you and define you. They were so supportive in the beginning, but that was also to gain your trust and the knowledge of your weaknesses to use against you. You opened up your amazing heart along with all of your wounds and gave them the opportunity to find any and all of your weaknesses AND they were looking for them. They DO NOT have the ability to understand pain, sorrow, being vulnerable or apply empathy – they only want access to your weaknesses to use them against you or to CONTROL you. This is what we have to heal within us or those weaknesses that they have constantly pointed out because they are real and within us and now they have made them come to the surface so much so that we lost our worth and trusting our own reality. They are master game players and used their keen perception to always be on top of their game. They took these weaknesses and embellished them to even make you think you were mentally ill and even fear yourself and your way of thinking. It is a very sick game that these Narcissists play, BUT it is a game that requires other players and you have to totally opt out of participating! They will attack you at any and every level they can, even making fun of you physically and they can be VERY cruel! You will ask why and how they can do this – well again because they have no empathy, no care, no connection, no bond, no morals, and no love for any other human being – they are personality disordered AND they were after something and that is your complete answer. Please internalize and KNOW this! ALSO, please understand that you still ARE that amazing person, and this was situational or abuse and you will recover with knowledge, education and support. No/minimal contact to start out on your journey to recovery! Greg

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