They always rewrite history whether it is lying, switching out their story to confuse us, manipulate us with FALSE facts, deny our memory, or any number of things to confuse us.

They always rewrite history whether it is lying, switching out their story to confuse us, manipulate us with FALSE facts, deny our memory, or any number of things to confuse us.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist has successfully developed strong and shrewd communication skills that basically invalidate and manipulate our own perceptions about ourselves and distort all logic and reasoning rendering OUR communication with them useless. All interpersonal communication becomes twisted, circular, and an opportunity to make us feel invalidated, wrong, mentally unstable, invalidated and basically worthless. This within itself is often overlooked (the subtle abuse) but it is as dangerous as any of their other tools in the arsenal of Narcissistic abuse!

Well let’s go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let’s define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced, and not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or they are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims. The key words that describe the whole cycle of abuse are love-bombing, devaluation, discard and I always add DESTROY! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled.

So what goes on in the omnipotent Narcissists distorted version of life? There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment as it concerns any other human being on this planet – people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use, abuse, and discard at will. It is a very controlled mechanism in their arsenal of abuse. Normal people respect all life, but a Narcissist doesn’t deem life as worthy of THEIR respect. So, by treating others as unworthy the Narcissist is acting as if they are beneath reprieve for their actions, and we are totally insignificant, very disposable and infinitely less important than the all-important Narcissist. A Narcissist has no more regard for us than a person that steps on and squashes a poor bug that is minding its own business on the ground. Basically and unequivocally we are nothing and the Narcissist is everything in their world and at all costs even if it means total destruction of an individual!

Here is a quick ‘personal’ example from my past abuse situation of the flip flop rhetoric and tactics a Narcissist employs to constantly keep us on that up and down dizzying roller coaster ride: In one breath my Narcissist would say I was ‘the one,’ we were soul mates, and the perfect person the Narcissist had searched for all of their life. I was praised for being intelligent, physically attractive; I had wit and charm, as well as many other wonderful accomplishments. Then in an about face this Narcissist would deny all of what they said and find fault with everything I did, criticize the way I looked by making fun of me, denigrate my profession as a chef instructor calling me a cook that only serviced other people, scream at me, tell me I had no breeding or culture, had an ugly home, had no friends, was thoughtless, unaffectionate, selfish, etc.

What does all of this shout out at us? Many opposite and damaging extremes and the actions of a highly dysfunctional and manipulative abuser. Specifically one that uses CHARM and HARM to constantly modify their victim’s behavior AND security to keep them totally off balance — and in a constant thick fog of confusion by purposely manipulating with fake emotions and psychological abuse tactics. It completely distorts the victim’s thought processes and creates a form of trauma bond or a mishmash of intense feelings stretching from intense NEGATIVE rejection/putdowns and then back to the POSITIVE lifting up and attraction again. All of this takes up a great deal of your brain’s real estate and hijacks your emotions and ‘normal!’ AGAIN, like a ride on a roller coaster that leaves you craving the highs. Remember those highs you experienced seemed so great – but they were NOT. Everything became VERY painful/agonizing and that is what leaves you craving and ruminating about the old highs you ONCE believed in. BUT, it will NEVER change and you will be left on this roller coaster ride but without those highs because one day it all crashes OR YOU GET OFF FIRST.

The journey to recovery is now a process because we were unconsciously living and dealing with all the manipulative and destructive messages we internalized and validated as our reality. We must seek out education about this abuse and the truth about our situation as a key to unlock the door to our recovery. Yes those messages are going to be in our head for a good while BUT we have to create a healthy balance and desensitize them. What this means is that we have to move into a place where it is possible for us to recognize that a person HAS betrayed us in a manner to control us through mental abuse. We have to think about it in terms to validate the truth of the situation, but not to try to dissect the Narcissist and put our energy into trying to get into their heads. We spent a great deal of time trying to fix or basically heal them and we gave away too much of ourselves and ALL we got in return were MORE lies, manipulation, twisted stories, diversion, blame and more chaos. Turn this around and accept the truth that they are completely disordered and put that healing power back into yourself.

You HAVE the ability to change if you deprogram the messages that have been imprinted on your mind if you ALLOW yourself to be your OWN motivator in this process. Just say ‘NO’ to Narcissist. Remember the old drug campaign that showed an egg as describing your ‘healthy’ brain, and then it showed that same egg in a frying pan stating this is your brain on drugs (the fried egg.) Well just switch that around to the fired egg being your brain after being with a Narcissist. Please understand no/minimal contact and start of your road to recovery, it is imperative to moving on! Greg

You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an old illusion you hang onto that things COULD be right again because he/she (the Narcissist) pulls you back every time they push you away. You try to make sense out of all of this but instead you CONSTANTLY feel lost, confused and walking on those eggshells.

You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an old illusion you hang onto that things COULD be right again because he/she (the Narcissist) pulls you back every time they push you away. You try to make sense out of all of this but instead you CONSTANTLY feel lost, confused and walking on those eggshells.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Within the cycle of abuse with a Narcissist AND having to deal with all of the chaos, accusations, the constant blame, shame and punishment the target/victim only TRIES to make sense of the Narcissist’s hurtful behaviors in an attempt to fix things by overcompensating. By constantly engaging with the Narcissist it becomes too tangible or the victim’s new reality in a distorted and disabling manner. The Narcissist completely steers the direction by always reinforcing their technique with equal parts of love/charm and pain/harm creating a desperation that keeps the victim caught up in this overcompensating to get back to that cohesive and loving part of the relationship they once knew! Add to this the frequent belittlement in the manner a Narcissist will dismiss anything that is exciting or that inspires a target/victim. A Narcissist will crush any attempts from the target/victim to make sense of their agenda and keep the target CONSTANTLY confused and walking on those eggshells or off balance or basically always being in control of the victim disabling them emotionally AND psychologically. So, let’s call this what it is or emotional and psychological abuse!

Any dissention from a victim harms the Narcissist’s flow and need to feel superior or the omnipotent one in any relationship AND most importantly getting the constant admiration that they need OR the supply they are desperately after. The Narcissist has a pathological envy of everything real and normal in people, because it discounts the Narcissist’s reality or better yet lack of reality and makes them aware of their shortcomings of WHO they THINK they are. This is expressed in varying degrees throughout the devaluation, discard and horrific smear campaign where they will trample their target/victim’s integrity into the ground to support their superior facade. Anyone who has shared a life with a Narcissist recognizes the chronic dispensation of such double standards and the many manifestations across all areas of life where rules and laws are applied that the Narcissist NEVER abides by. It is especially evident with children who have been raised by a Narcissistic parent or with this desperate, confusing, and disabling love!

As a consequence of this constant uncertainty is the consistent self-doubt and feeling of worthlessness that manifests itself in the target/victim’s heart and mind. The Narcissist is not only manipulating the mind but also tugging at the heartstrings of the target or victim to stay in control. If you do this I will love you, but it you don’t follow my exact rules and laws I will punish you, terrorize you demean, dehumanize you, AND leave you – not a very tangible approach to any sort of viable relationship. Basically, it is a very dehumanizing form of conditioning and subjugation of a human being and WRONG at every level – THIS is why it is labeled abuse and why THEY are labeled personality disordered.

This constant blend of abusive and charming behavior with the victim is very common with a tyrannical Narcissist and basically describes the need to control their environment or that manipulative conditioning to keep the victim off guard and totally lost in confusion. For the target/victim it is a toxic osmosis from the devaluation effect of being in the presence of and angry and spiritually draining creature. So, the Narcissist is not in this dance just for positive supply, we are a dumping ground for their toxicity as well and that is what damages the soul and destroys a person’s complete belief system. The Narcissist uses that manipulative and confusing component of equal parts pain and compassion or love and desperation in a manner to make their targets/victims feel that there is that small glimmer of hope that is coming from the Narcissist’s unconditional and loving soul and THAT is what keeps the victim engaged. Unfortunately, that soul if it exists is neither loving nor unconditional. It is dark, empty and knows nothing about real love, truth or the reality of respecting life – but it does know how to extort whatever it can from a victim even if that means destroying them completely.

The most heartbreaking effect of these disorienting double standards is the utter confusion about what is considered right and wrong when sharing a world with a Narcissist. The double standards seem to trade places constantly throughout the relationship. The Narcissist creates standards, morals and laws for everybody around them but they themselves do not respect or follow ANY of their own rules or standards and constantly change them to meet THEIR personal needs in any given situation. The end result is the victim never has a real voice because of the ever-changing rules and standards and the victim is always the one at fault. A Narcissist will NEVER validate a positive reality or experience for another human being, but instead trap their targets/victims in a fun house maze of mirrors that never reflect an accurate image. The target/victim runs through that fun-house maze of mirrors seeing their reflection as different and ever changing or a static and inaccurate image that is ever-changing. Those who have lived through this know how this easily manipulates and implants itself into a deep-seated belief that one’s interpretation of reality, especially when reality is ambiguous or uncertain, is always the wrong one, the faulty one, the one fully invalidated by the mere existence of the Narcissist’s manipulative interpretation to control people!

Never, never just listen to the Narcissists words, but instead observe the behavior that they back up any of the words they use. Behavior is how we can completely assess the reality of what a person is truly offering us. Words are a Narcissists main tools to make their con job functional and rewarding to themselves! You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an illusion of everything being right (because he/she tells you so) and this is a very hard thing to accept. If it feels wrong, it is wrong.

What goes along with this is staying out of the Narcissist’s head! Don’t try to figure out what they are up to or what’s going on in their lives, what’s in their mind, or second guess them. Getting into a Narcissist’s head means trying to figure out their motives, trying to make excuses for them, trying to rationalize their behavior, maybe even trying to manipulate them, and all this does is gets you sucked right back into the content of the chaos, crazymaking, and abuse again! They trained you well to always think about them, so that it deflects away from the truth that they are the problem, the sick one, and the abusive personality and you turn it around to see what YOU can do to fix this, fix THEM, or even accept the blame that this is ALL your fault.

When you catch yourself thinking about them and trying to gain some relevant information that will help you out in some way, just remember NOTHING is relevant about them except that they lie, cheat, manipulate, steal, use, betray, backstab, brainwash, triangulate, extort lives away from people, and psychologically rape people’s minds. Just don’t try to figure out anything they do because the reason behind everything they do is ALWAYS self-serving and full of chaos, manipulation, and lies. What in any of that do you want or need to understand — they are just dangerous to human life! If there really was love you would be together in a manner that there would not be so many issues and always having to explain yourself and feeling so traumatized.

For those who are in doubt of their relationship, read, absorb, and process the truth about Narcissistic behaviors – in other words get a strong education so you can align with the truth of this personality disorder. Keep in mind that toxic people can be mothers, fathers, siblings, coworkers, clergy and religious leaders, politicians, co-workers, bosses, health professionals, romantic partners or anybody in your world. These people, for whatever reason, feel no remorse or empathy, and display no conscience in their interactions with other human beings. They use, abuse, and discard their source targets for a variety of reasons, be it sex, money, status, or a sense of power but again they do what they do because they are self-serving OR they are after something that you have and they will do whatever to get it and then destroy your integrity after they have gotten what they came for. They are what they are and will remain that way – only their tactics change and evolve as each new target is acquired. There is no reason to maintain any type of “relationship” with another human being whose only goal in their lifetime is to target and dismantle other human beings for their own selfish purposes – none. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

Sticks and Stones may Break your Bones, but a Narcissist’s words will Emotionally and Psychologically ABUSE you!

Sticks and Stones may Break your Bones, but a Narcissist’s words will Emotionally and Psychologically ABUSE you!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

You have been abused. You are a target/victim of abuse. You were systematically targeted, betrayed, and deceived by a disordered human being with a false mask of reality. A person manipulated you into liking them, getting to know them, trusting them and and even loving them. It was as real to you as it would have been to ANY OTHER human being that started out on a relationship journey. The experience of meeting somebody special and going through the process of dating and creating this relationship WAS NO DIFFERENT than what any other person would experience. BUT IT WAS DIFFERENT because you were being set up for abuse AND the relationship wasn’t REAL in the least bit, not even in the smallest way. It was all lies, a con job, manipulation, and a hideous betrayal. We mourn the loss of reality in our life, along with dreams, memories, time together, small laughs and shared experiences. We mourn the loss of our life as if a part of us was suffocated or died from this hideous abuse. Our emotional scars cause us to doubt and question the truth of this ugly reality. We are merely disposable objects to them, and that is incomprehensible to us.

MOST PEOPLE have no knowledge or understanding of the emotional/psychological abuse or of a Narcissist as well as the effects of the trauma. It is akin to a prisoner of war being released back into captivity and life as usual when that is not even near a possibility or reality for the prisoner OR the target/victim of a Narcissist that needs serious help to return to the normal life they once lived. It seems more like the target/victim instead stands in judgment from most of the people nearest and dearest to them.

This type of abuse has exposed you to horrible manipulation, betrayal, resounding fear and terror because of the coercive methods from the Narcissist as well as dehumanizing control. Most people just presume that they would show greater courage, strength, and resistance than the victim in similar circumstances. They will just tell the target/victim to move on and allow time to heal the wounds. What does this message say OR do to the target/victim? It makes them BELIEVE that they ARE the source of their own problems. Time alone does not heal these wounds! Unfortunately for the target/victim there is the tendency to account for the target/victim’s behavior as flaws in THEIR personality as if they gave into or deserved the abuse because they did not leave the Narcissist. Nobody is listening to the real truth of your situation because it sounds so incredulous so the pleas for help are lost with the misinterpretation of your situation. Once AGAIN the target/victim is left with more isolation, damage, vulnerable AND alone to figure this out on their own. This is a very lonely and scary place to be!

It was pathological in such an extreme manner that it is just impossible to understand how another human being could be so cruel and abhorrent to lead a basically good, caring, and loving person down a road of psychological abuse that essentially could destroy or damage them for life. This is a feeling that nobody could ever understand – there are NO ADEQUATE words to describe the feeling of what this abuse does to a sane, loving and empathic person. To understand the time that is lost, the EXTREME betrayal, and the experience of feeling worthless AND punished for no other reason than the fact that you were at the wrong place at the WRONG time and chosen by a predator to be their next victim of abuse. It is incomprehensible and takes so much self-reflection, strength, courage, love, and validation and a new journey that we must embark upon to fix ourselves now. Sometimes it doesn’t happen because many targets/victims do not even understand that they have been abused, they are convinced that they were to blame and have issues concerning their mental health because the abuse was PYSCHOLOGICAL RAPE and MEANT to make them feel insane, crazy, etc. They were intentionally led down this road by a malignant Narcissist and the ABUSE has disabled them mentally so they also believe they ARE AT FAULT and live in that confusion and fog forever and NEVER recovering fully!

SAY NEVER! We never, never, never deserved this and most assuredly NEVER, EVER asked for this because of WHO we are. We wonder where our prince/princess charming has gone and WHAT HAS HAPPENED that made this go so wrong because now they are more like Dr. Jekyll and Mr./Ms. Hyde. Well the time has come that we HAVE to move forward and learn about these predators. We have ONE DIRECTION to go and that is forward and now it is time for some education about this abuse. We could only have wished we had known that this was abuse prior to this destructive experience – but how could we have known that this really existed and that there are predators out there like a psychologically abusive Narcissist.

Time to EDUCATE and LIBERATE yourself! Your knowledge will be your success in recovering. It will break the chain of this abuse OR thinking we can help them, cure them, use our ‘love’, fix and reverse this, change, plead, bargain or negotiate with this abuser. We quickly realize it is impossible and how the abuser wants us to react to keep us chained up in the chaos of this abuse. We will finally comprehend they have a problem we can’t possibly fix. Malignant Narcissists are masters at their game AND targeting our caring/nurturing instinct as well as capturing us through their fake ‘love.’ If you’ve been attempting to fix this over and over again, STOP and accept the inevitable failure of these attempts and accept the reality, they are what they are (abusive) and there is only one direction and that is OUT of their disordered world and free from them. We have to fix ourselves and right all the wrongs and return back to a real life and the living again. NO/minimal contact to start the process of recovery – we MUST discard this Narcissist from our heart, our mind, our thoughts and every aspect of our life and empower ourselves with positive healing. Greg

You can’t engage in reality with a Narcissist because they lack a conscience, morals, empathy, and emotions – so do not expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure.

You can’t engage in reality with a Narcissist because they lack a conscience, morals, empathy, and emotions – so do not expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Don’t try to fight a war that you can’t win because a Narcissist lacks any and all morals. You can’t engage in reality with a person that lacks a conscience, morals, empathy, emotions and expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure. Narcissists have no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions – THEY JUST DO NOT CARE! There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their mindless and thoughtless games or their manipulative approach to other people. They already have a mechanism in place that has been dumping that shame and turning it around into blame since they were very young. Don’t ever underestimate their depravity as it concerns their lack of respect for life and people because they will abuse anyone that stands in their way, even their own biological children, any family member, a friend, co-worker or ANYBODY!

So how could you have been such a fool and SO WRONG? There is a very painful realization that often comes with the disbelief of just how we could have not realized that he/she was like this? That’s another thing that educating yourself about this disorder will teach you very clearly. The Narcissistic personality is especially good at being pathologically deceptive and manipulative, at simulating that charm and genuine affection or caring to gain our trust so they can essentially abuse us – it is more aptly described as seduction. In reality, the Narcissist is only capable of caring about themselves. The Narcissist can BASICALLY imitate that they care about you or even love you as long as he/she continues to see you reflect that extreme adulation and admiration for them and even that is short-lived and usually in the beginning of your personal relationship with them or when they are still charming you into their agenda because they need many AND different variations of supply. Underneath all of that is a delusional and out-of-control amoral person that lacks respect for life and all people and has no conscience about how they debase and dehumanize people to GET WHAT THEY WANT which is that supply. That is what it all boils down to – we satisfy some sort of need, but they have many needs, and many people they use to satisfy their immense needy void hole. You thought this was a primary relationship with them and it never was and never would be.

The delusional perceptions of the Narcissist are truly their reality AND they just do NOT think like we do – but they can pretend to be like us when they need to. If you look back you have never been able to understand, change, or influence ANY of their perceptions because they got louder/meaner and completely ignored your every word to the contrary concerning any of their delusional outbursts, especially if it concerned their own accountability – be it a lie, betrayal or any number of words or actions from the Narcissist. If you couldn’t effect any change with them living in a close relationship with them, then don’t waste your time and effort ever trying AGAIN. They live in their own world and no matter how false or unreal it appears to you, for them it is reality and HAS TO BE REALITY for them to survive among us. As soon as a Narcissist begins to perceive that you have a voice of your own, individuality, and a right to existence, the trouble starts right then and there. This is the point of no return because there is no possibility of two-way communication with them. The more you push your individualism forward the more resistance from the Narcissist to manage you down and control you. Their façade is impenetrable and has to be or they would self-destruct if people knew the truth that they are basically con artists, abusive, and dangerous if cornered.

Lies and deceit are as natural to the Narcissist’s world as is breathing. A Narcissist has the amazing ability with their ‘shrewd deception’ to make EVERYONE believe their lies EVEN when they fly right in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Heck they are so smooth at their LIES that the Narcissist also believes THEIR own lies. Mine could have been given an honorary PHD in lies, and lying! Take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie, or as my friend once told me “if they are breathing they are lying!”

It is extremely painful, to come to the conclusion that people who have meant a great deal in your personal (or professional) life can ACTUALLY destroy you and you have to completely disengage with them to literally save your life. Sit back for a moment and really think about that and it is a hard pill to swallow. It is EXTREMELY painful, but the alternative is to only continue the descent along the dark path of self-destruction by continuing a relationship with them. Stop it all and finally break the chain that keeps you tied to an abuser. There is no battle here for you to fight because you are not dealing with a real or normal person that would or could ever interact, care, love, bond or treat you with dignity or respect. Everything you have built with this person was done in vain, and if you keep believing or buying into the games/lies with the hope to catch a glimpse of what things were like when you lived in the illusion they fabricated for you, you will only be drawn back into the abuse over and over again and hurt more and more. The promises like a life journey together or sharing the joys of REAL love, a future, intellectual fulfillment, dreams, goals, etc., were part of the seduction and the abuse to only control you and keep you chained to them.

Unfortunately you have to learn and accept that the psychological and emotional investment you made in a Narcissist is/was valueless, and you have to write them off completely as a bad debt. If you continue any type of association with them, you will only lose your heart, mind, and soul and hand it over to a deceitful, perverted and loathsome character that will use and drain the life and happiness right out of you.

My personal journey to recovery had to first involve healing from everything that was unjust and so destructive to me because it was disabling my ability to move on and away from this person (believe me this Narcissist wanted it that way and tried to keep me in this cycle of abuse). This was a case of a person making me mentally unhealthy through a stealth and slow process of brain-washing and gas-lighting with all of those LIES. I was dealing with a highly disordered individual that had a pattern of this abuse in their past. I had to re-build my life and expel the poison from this Narcissist and get healthy first. I did not allow myself to get caught up in what my part was in any of this FIRST because I was too vulnerable and would have accepted MORE blame and shame – this is what their game is – debasing us slowly but surely to destroy our spirit so when we leave this relationship we are very vulnerable as well as physically, emotionally, and psychologically unhealthy. I looked at my personal weaknesses AFTER I FOUND OUT THE TRUTH that identified the abuse and how I was attacked by a predator – yes I was prey!

I needed to be healthy first and then I took a look at my part in this and set up healthy boundaries to avoid ever falling into this type of abuse again. Today I recognize that there are Narcissists out there EVERYWHERE and they are destructive and dangerous. I have even gone to the point of changing my phone numbers and put up barriers to stop this person from having ANY access into my life. I keep everything about my life guarded in a manner to avoid this Narcissist having ANY knowledge of anything. I had to learn all of this because I had NO PAST EXPERIENCE with this type of abuse to draw from. So I concentrated on ME first so I could think clearly again, learn from this experience, draw knowledge from other survivors, and then look deep down inside of myself to make sure that everything that may have allowed me to stay in this type of relationship was fixed.

Yes there are codependent people that fall into this abuse, but there are also healthy people, tall people, short people, ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE so do not put the total blame on yourself. Recovery is a process that WILL take us back to a healthy lifestyle BUT we have to be emotionally healthy first so we can accept new growth. Perhaps identifying your personality type first is viable for some people and I am by no means saying that it is the wrong approach – but I do believe that progression as far as recovery involves removing all of the confusion first, defining the abuse in a manner that we see it wasn’t us being this horrible person we were made to believe, but instead it was a Narcissist that is truly a destructive and manipulating creature that disabled us emotionally and psychologically. I became strong in my knowledge by confronting the truth and finding out the answers that I was denied access to. It painted a very colorful picture of this person and those red flags were replaced with truth and I was free to grow again as a human being. It was a personal journey that made me see that I looked evil squarely in the eyes and saw just how manipulative and destructive they are. When you see that green eyed monster you realize that they are different than us and they mean business once we have identified what they are. The Narcissist devours lives, thoughts and spirits. They are psychological terrorists and stealth predators and even the strongest can fall prey to their arsenal of abhorrent tools to dehumanize other human beings. THEY ARE ABUSERS pure and simple!

One day you will see the complete picture and it will never make what they did better, but you will understand because you have finally been educated into what they are and what YOU aren’t. A Narcissist is a dead giveaway in the way they create their delusional turmoil after each and every departure from one of their con jobs or relationships as the Narcissist prefers to call them. While they are running away like the thieves they really are with their tails between their legs, they are really running away from the truth of who and what they are. We are the truth they are running from as they are throwing lies back at us in an effort to smear our integrity and destroy us. They never can or will admit to what they have done, instead they will always slither into someone else’s life to find shelter, create a new family, and take what they can emotionally and physically. No/minimal contact always! Greg

We are “people objects” to a Narcissist. Our role is to serve their every need PERIOD! We are only an EXTENSION of the Narcissist or an embellishment because WE HAVE SOMETHING THEY NEED and WANT. Without us they are just a huge void!

We are “people objects” to a Narcissist. Our role is to serve their every need PERIOD! We are only an EXTENSION of the Narcissist or an embellishment because WE HAVE SOMETHING THEY NEED and WANT. Without us they are just a huge void!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

In short we must support and magnify the Narcissist, echo and amplify their life, their views, their knowledge, and even their history. Fail to do so and there is a replacement waiting in the wings. They lack EMPATHY so they just don’t care about any consequences as it concerns the destruction they cause through their extreme manipulation to secure supply or “people objects.”

A relationship with a narcissist is very much like that of the predator after its prey. The Narcissist is adept at identifying their target and then skillfully going in for the kill or abuse. The Narcissist seems to have a sixth sense that other humans do not possess. This sense is more like a manipulative skill they have honed in on and sharpened that a predator would use to locate and trap their prey. It is a sense that is uncanny in determining those of us who will fall victim to the Narcissist’s advances and extreme manipulation tactics – but it DOESN’T define us as weak or to blame for THEIR abuse.

The Narcissist is always fanatical, extreme, and very dangerous because of their all-pervasive nature that permeates every aspect of their life. Couple that with their non-existent empathy for life/people and you have a very dangerous predator on the loose. The “people objects” that they manipulate into their pervasive world are always the casualties. At stake is NEVER, EVER the preservation of the person the Narcissist uses – but instead the Narcissist’s very own NEEDS and survival AND avoiding exposure that they are ABUSERS.

As with ALL Narcissistic supply (all sources), once the person or people are no longer instrumental – the Narcissist loses all interest in them, devalues them and ignores them. The Narcissist might even wish to destroy the person as a punishment or revenge for incompetence at providing Narcissistic supply. Narcissists switch supply and ideologies with the ease as defined by the manner in which they change partners, spouses and value systems.

In the overall design of things, misfortune to others does not matter to the Narcissist when they have objectified a human being to obtain their drug of choice or “supply.” It is solely based on what this person has to offer, or what can be taken from this person, and this must resonate in the Narcissist’s grand scheme of things. The Narcissist is convinced of their uniqueness (omnipotence) and basically we are there to serve their needs – they are delusional in this manner. There are no written laws that the Narcissist will comply with when it comes to how they treat other people. ALWAYS remember that these shrewd Narcissists lure their prey into an emotional trap with their faux CHARM that is personally created for each of us. If that doesn’t describe a true predator I don’t know what else could or would.

There are no human rights involved either, basically we are there for their use and they completely exploit everything they can from us – mentally and physically. They feel no remorse in their acts of deviance to secure supply in the least bit. Lies, betrayal, manipulation, etc., are only tools to extract what they need before they move on to the next and the next and the next. They have perfected and honed these tools to work to their utmost advantage to meet their needs in EVERY situation.

In the Narcissists grand scheme of things there is never a relationship with any one person as it concerns love, growth, goals, dreams, togetherness AND equal rights where any person ever has a separate identity OR meaning to the Narcissist – EVERYONE IS JUST AN OBJECT. Everything and everyone is just an opportunity for extorting supply. Everyone is a “people object” in their world and our connection is nothing more or nothing less than the next person’s.

As always I end with go “NO CONTACT” – unequivocally it is the only way to gain your freedom from this calculating, disordered, manipulating, cunning, lying, extortionist and abuser that MEANS to inflict damage on their prey as well as take everything they can! You can and will recover from this abuse – but YOU MUST understand that the Narcissist is as calculated in their attacks on people as is a shark with its prey. Once you establish the facts/truth about your abuser you must put it all into perspective to release from the “blame and shame” as well as the worthlessness that you feel and the Narcissist made you internalize or better yet forced down your throat. Find that spirit, it is still there with you as well as your self-esteem, goodness, empathy and LOVE — I promise you that this had NOTHING to do with who or what you are, it has to do with an extremely disordered person that manipulated you into ALL OF THIS because they are an abhorrent and disordered piece of poo. You are and always have been the beautiful and amazing person you always were – THAT IS WHY YOU ARE STILL HERE TODAY and you still have tomorrow – and don’t give that up. You WILL be the person you once were! GREG

You have to actualize that EVERYTHING IS A LIE with a Narcissist. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends, hate you, my family hates you, the world hates you, you are worthless, nobody will ever love you, etc.!’

You have to actualize that EVERYTHING IS A LIE with a Narcissist. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends, hate you, my family hates you, the world hates you, you are worthless, nobody will ever love you, etc.!’ Don’t forget all the other day to day lies, the lies about the affairs, the lies about STUPID stuff, the lies about accountability, the lies about other lies, etc., etc., etc., ETC.!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

BUT you still ask yourself HOW can someone you showed so much love turn around and abuse that love. You also ask yourself WHY would a person completely con you into believing they loved you do such a horrendous thing so they could extort your life through this fictitious love. You ask yourself how you didn’t see all of this and you question your sanity because you feel that you ALLOWED this to happen. You then start questioning the very things that this Narcissist accused you of and perhaps believing that you do have issues! You question this, that and everything! You question yourself for no viable reason other than trying to reach some sort of understanding EVEN though you now know the truth. But there is no other answer than the truth that this was abuse and this relationship wasn’t real at all and that my friend(s) is just way too difficult to accept.

You can’t get over this relationship and move yourself away from the hold this Narcissist that is OR was in your life has on your mind! So now YOU try to work it out in your own head and heart. You keep reaching back into the past searching for something/anything. Are you STILL searching for the answers to those many confusing questions? Probably a resounding YES, but there really is NOBODY there to answer those questions – BUT – there are many messages in your head, so you turn to justifying most everything to resolve what only amounts to abuse. But the reality of the situation that this IS abuse never seems to agree with your heart, emotions, and empathy to form some sort of cohesive agreement or middle ground, so you are left with a horrendous burden to shake this off! But again, all of this was based on lies that you believed and now you have to stop believing and that seems to be an insurmountable task! Well, the answer to that is clarity and time now that you are away from the Narcissist and the chaos. Like a normal relationship you have to sort out all of the emotions that formed that bond – or ‘fall out of love’ even though it was a distorted and desperate love.

You have to think back and recall just how uneasy you felt in this relationship, how YOU were continually accepting the negativity that always seemed to be present when you were together. Think about the lies, betrayal, put downs and so many other things that just weren’t normal to a loving relationship. You worked your hardest at rationalizing and justifying this LOVE and continually tried to fix this distorted relationship (love) rather than accepting the truth from your intuition shouting out at you. You STILL keep justifying that it was love and you must have overlooked something or other that could have fixed everything! WHO was making you try so hard to fix this? Who was telling you everything was wrong, and it was YOUR fault? Who never put an effort into allowing you to voice normal concerns? Who silenced you over and over again and why? The truth is that this could never have turned out any different than what it did because it was meant to be temporary because EVERYONE has an expiration date with a Narcissist! What about the new supply and how quickly this Narcissist JUMPED right into that relationship! Where is/was the love that you kept fighting for? It was NEVER there in the first place!

Then ask yourself how many times you had to reassure yourself that everything WOULD be OK if you did this, that or any number of different things! Also, the many important ‘personal’ things concerning your needs that were always dismissed to make and keep this Narcissist happy and it was NEVER enough. How many times were you so confused about crazy statements, arguments, accountability, or the many lies that you probably justified or ignored? What about affairs? Were there any or many? Did you always feel as if you had to explain yourself for most everything you did or said no matter what? Did you feel any sense of normalcy with this person after the ‘amazing love’ in the beginning? Did you feel like parts of your life had mysteriously disappeared and it isn’t the same as it used to be. You always felt so frustrated in general, confused, anxious, you felt tired or exhausted from day after day of arguments that had no basis, and just the general feeling of unhappiness. Or maybe you feel horrible about yourself or worthless. Is it a feeling like things have spun out of control in your life and you are WONDERING WHY this has happened! You haven’t done anything different than you have in the past (as it concerned your previous ‘normal’ relationships,) but YOU are always working on something or other to get this relationship right! What is the coefficient here? Where is the distress AND stress coming from? Why do you always feel so ANXIOUS and CONFUSED? If you think about this and compile a ‘distress list’ of all of the crazy making and chaos from this relationship it will be hundreds of times longer than a list that would outline the ‘good things’ that this person (the Narcissist) actually reciprocated as far as showing any REAL type of care or love – IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT THEM.

I think most of us know the root of the problem but trying to get past the emotional stronghold has been the problem and what kept us believing in the huge lie we were living. Through all of this we twisted and tweaked our thoughts so much so that we were able to justify most everything in a manner that made us change our behaviors and basic beliefs to meet the needs of this Narcissist, so we could keep believing in what we were conned into believing – this love. We believed that WE could change things to make this relationship right again – but who was telling us to change and WHY? Things DID change but ask yourself ‘WHAT CHANGED?’ The answer is that you changed and lost yourself in all of this and that is not the type of change that should ever happen in ANY relationship. We took charge of trying to make things right and make changes! We ACCEPTED the blame that was handed to us. We accepted silence to avoid arguments. We accepted lies to avoid hearing the truth. We possibly believed that more LOVE would heal! Was it love that would heal this? Just exactly what WAS this love? Was it totally one sided? Could you even ascertain what this relationship was OR were you always wondering? Did anything change like you wanted it to? YES, and again what changed was you, your self-worth, your dignity, your good life that you once knew, and your whole world changed for the worse!

So, to start, you have to conceptualize that EVERYTHING WAS A LIE. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends, hate you, my family hates you, the world hates you, etc.!’ Don’t forget all the other day to day lies, the lies about the affairs, the lies about STUPID stuff, the lies about accountability, the lies about other lies, etc. All of these messages that the Narcissist was basically downloading into your head is all part of their delusional disorder based on LIES that they used to manage you down, gain power over you, and to control you. So when you refer back to these messages they put in your head and RELATE to them to try to resolve ANY of this, you are only listening to the same delusional lies that got you into this abusive relationship that is now still convincing you that you are to blame, everything bad, and YOU have to accept responsibility here for the demise of this relationship. Those messages were designed to debilitate you and they have – so replaying any of them will still keep you in right in the abuse.

OK – now for the jibber jabber! We are social creatures that bond, live together, seek each other out AND we also follow and create a moral order of what we must do, can do and cannot do. This social order is what defines and regulates how we will interact, defining and protecting individual rights and the ‘normal’ social/moral order. Narcissists know that there is a social/moral order, but they don’t abide by any of it and instead they constantly violate it. There is no connection to it whatsoever. But to function in our world they will PRETEND to fit into it and be one of the most respected individuals out there because otherwise they would be deplored by society and nobody would play with them. So like everybody else we bought into their big lie and con job – but unfortunately we did it on a much more personal level that involved MANY distorted messages as well as the disabling lies. Narcissist do this so they can fit in otherwise they wouldn’t be able to extort life as they do. Simply put they are one humungous lie that is designed AND redesigned personally for each new victim. This facde of lies enables them to process and harvest people to get what they need. Basically the ‘façade’ or ‘mask’ theory that we always read about. THEY ARE A BIG LIE – but very believable because they sugar coat the lie with amazing charm to attract us into their world!

YOU are a good and AMAZING person and this Narcissist has tricked you in such a heinous and perverted way and it just doesn’t make sense to a person of empathy that can LOVE. You were raised with morality and standards. You KNOW how to love and trust. You DIDN’T grow up learning that these monsters are out there and basically the total opposite of what love is! You will NEVER feel good about this or reach some sort of realistic closure based on the belief system YOU GREW UP WITH, and as well you shouldn’t have too! BUT unfortunately there are a few new words in your vocabulary that you have to know and you will have to educate yourself about and process them into your scope of the world. Those words are Narcissist and ABUSE. You have to completely dump the messages and ALL OF THOSE LIES that this Narcissist has used to gain power over you, control you and abuse you. You have to STOP listening to those messages because they were just lies. It takes time to do this because you have spent so much time believing these lies, now you must spend some time disbelieving these lies. There is no guru out there that can offer you anything that will make this magically disappear until you completely get this, so don’t ever look for a quick fix. Educate yourself with good information, understand your enemy and what they did to you. Get healthy and then take a look inward and see what if anything made you available to a Narcissist, THEN set strong and new boundaries. Just DON’T blame yourself as if you deserved this and don’t let others blame you either! You are not worthless or unlovable – you are an amazing human being and never doubt this! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

Narcissists view the world as their playground to take whatever they want and never give back – it is ALWAYS and ONLY about them and the deception and destruction they inflict in the process.

Narcissists view the world as their playground to take whatever they want and never give back – it is ALWAYS and ONLY about them and the deception and destruction they inflict in the process.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

They view or better yet PORTRAY themselves as omnipotent, moralistic, religious as well as many other things that they stamp onto their worldly resume – none of which have any real connection to who and what they are – abusive and destructive predators that want something from EVERY person they come in contact with and they will use whatever they can to CHARM it out of them AND then try to destroy the person they abused. There is no marriage vow, bond, or connection to love that prohibits a Narcissist from doing exactly what they want because there are no consequences they feel internally and really there is NO RELATIONSHIP with them.

It is ABSOLUTELY amazing how a Narcissist can cover their tracks to hide what can only be described as their perverse, toxic, and out-of-control lifestyle. Remember they are not doing this just to be the amazing actors that they are. These are deceptive and abusive personalities that need this disguise to extort people and life using whatever instrument of abuse they can to achieve their agenda – the best word here is that they are cunning like a fox – but always remember that they will attempt to destroy all of their targets/victims to avoid exposure. This is who they are and it works for them and they do NOT care who they harm as long as it benefits THEM!

It is highly unlikely that anyone (even those people you tried to explain Narcissism too) HAVEN’T ever experienced someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissists are ALWAYS flying under the radar with many disguises. They are the most CHARMING charmers, and just so nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who just don’t have any closeness or role in their life to see reality of who and what they are. Once you get emotionally close to a narcissist, THEN AND ONLY THEN do you get to see them drop their carefully crafted and charming mask that hides the out-of-control and abusive creature hiding behind it AND that is after they have TOTALLY fooled and conned you.

A Narcissist never looks inward in a manner to see that they have a personality disorder, or that their world is built on lies and appearances – that is merely a clinical definition for us to sort of understand them. Furthermore, they never admit to being wrong, doing anything wrong, or having wronged or destroying the many lives that they do. However the Narcissists HAS wronged others, be it cheating, lying, manipulation, hurting them emotionally or physically, BUT a Narcissist manages to project blame on and into the targets/victims and everyone around them. They also have their minions and a new supply to support them or filter their lies through, as well as hide behind to avoid exposure.

In fact, the Narcissist will view him/herself as superior or above the rest of humanity. Narcissists do not see themselves as the SELF-SERVING pathological and destructive person that lives their entire life like a parasite using and taking advantage of others, objectifying people and then moving on once they have been emotionally drained and damaged a person. Nor does the Narcissist see how flimsy their thin veneer of lies, and false credentials are. No instead the Narcissist will project their false image and describe themselves as a hero of sorts or even a saint as far as it concerns humanity and their role here on earth BECAUSE it is their working mechanism in life because otherwise they are just a huge void! This is part of their disordered and damaged self that enables the Narcissist to live in complete denial of the damage they inflict onto people’s lives. There are no written laws, rules or regulations that a Narcissist will follow. They are in COMPLETE denial of their false lives! They have absolutely no notion or care as it concerns right and wrong or truth and lies because empathy does not exist in their world and defines their personality disorder.

The Narcissist considers him/herself above the norms of goodness and elude or defer that any of their action’s borderline being outright evil toward others. That is the double-edged sword that they attack the world with. The truth is that their lives are all about double standards or what serves them – if it wasn’t for double standards they would not have ANY standards at all. A Narcissist will stand tall and preach about morality as if all cheaters should burn twice in hell, but as he/she is giving their lecture from the pulpit they are also surveying the room to find a little extra supply to have on the side. But the Narcissist is not a cheater in their mind – they are DESERVING because they are special and above reprise for their actions in life.

The real definition of a Narcissist is that of a creature that is so preoccupied and focused on their every desire, pleasure and need that it completely blinds the Narcissist from reality and self-blame. The Narcissist re-writes reality to fit his/her delusions and with every taker AND it is like the Narcissist winning the lottery when they find a new target to extort and harm. They relish the chase and kill and love the spoils they have stolen from the very people that treated them with kindness, love and respect! CLARITY is what saves us and moves us onto recovery. Knowledge, education, support, and NO/Minimal contact! Greg

It is a CON -nection with a Narcissist OR a relationship we were conned into!

It is a CON -nection with a Narcissist OR a relationship we were conned into!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist

Ending a relationship with a Narcissist is not like walking away from a normal relationship with a broken heart – you are walking away with a broken SELF. The vicious cycle of this abuse is really a manipulative trap that keeps you running in circles until it completely disables your reality, erases your personality, and then it ends and your abuser destroys YOUR integrity so they can move on to start this cycle up AGAIN with some new and unsuspecting person.

We constantly struggled with the vision of that special connection or even the love in the back of our mind (the one that we were CONNED into believing) to make the relationship work and making and keeping our Narcissist happy by working harder at the relationship. We were even asked or more like demanded by threats to do things differently or do what this Narcissist wants but it only led to more demands and made us sink deeper and deeper into this distorted and desperate love. From time to time we were even offered that little ‘glimmer of hope’ and an “I love you so much,” to achieve a cohesive peace but again it was not real at all and the Narcissist cashed in on their agenda once again! But despite our intuition or the deep rooted sense that something was totally wrong with this relationship it felt familiar or similar to love because it started out that way and that is what we held onto to alleviate the struggles and pain. We began to feel increasingly unhappy because we were never getting our needs met as well as totally confused, lost, and always hurting. The struggle to get this person to love and accept you/us was not working so you/we employed all kinds of tactics to try harder but to no avail. It is the vicious cycle of this abuse or the trap that keeps you running in circles until it ends and that end is always devastating and destructive because of the psychological damage that the Narcissist inflicted that kept this toxic relationship in motion like a toy ‘Yo Yo’ on a string being forced up and down and guess who has their finger in the loop of that string – The Narcissist!

While you keep trying to hang on to this relationship you are only burying yourself deeper and deeper in the darkness and the void that defines a Narcissist and their personality disorder AND your personal abuse. It is this daily struggle that is so unfulfilling and so damaging, as well as makes you feel so unhappy and worthless. Beyond that there is going to be a huge eye opener from the full devaluation AND discard this creature is going to throw at you when your time is up with them. It is virtually impossible to love a Narcissist normally because you are only plugging yourself into their manipulative game of abuse as their PRESENT source of supply. They are literally using up every bit of your life and reaping all the benefits. You can’t love a Narcissist because they are FAKE and all you are seeing is a projected image to fool or con you into their game or ABUSE.

A Narcissist AVOIDS seeing their real self and that is why they create all of these images/facades because they are completely empty and this is what they do to avoid seeing their real reflection in a mirror as well as make themselves look functional enough to create their fake bonds to con what they need out of people (supply). They avoid their real self so totally that they will defend their false image and destroy you for making them accountable for what they really are. There is such a mystery to them and that in itself becomes an addiction because we thought we saw a flicker of real love and a real person so we keep digging to find that again, but no there was none and yet we kept searching for it!

That idea that if we just try hard enough, we will find a way to create that loving connection or revive it becomes a goal, BUT it is really a dangerous trap. Unfortunately, it kept us tied up in a relationship that really only revolved around basic functionality, but it always seemed to hold the unspoken promise of one day becoming a connection of unconditional love to us. The message that was always there was that we had to keep changing to meet the Narcissist’s needs and unfortunately we listened to this and made it our goal. That is what we get so caught up in and end up losing ourselves completely without there ever being ANY resolution. Trying harder is NOT going to unlock the magic door to their unavailable and dead heart because you are dealing with a void and not a person. The unfortunate consequence to this is that you will have to grieve this empty love just as if it were real. Unfortunately, there is the psychological damage that destroyed your integrity (and trusting all people) that is also attached and it requires many, many steps to actualize the entirety of this. So it is not like walking away from a normal relationship with a broken heart – you are walking away with a broken SELF.

So, despite everything you truly BELIEVED or deeply loved about this person, or a Narcissis – somewhere deep down inside of you there are/were feelings that have been buried and have only shown up as feelings of frustration because of how hard you tried. Let these feelings surface. Society has sort of taught us through imposed beliefs how we are supposed to feel as well as what we are not supposed to feel, but this abuse is very different and deserves respect and patience! We are told we MUST NOT be victims.

Unfortunately, we are, but we never wanted this or to become a victim of this abuse. It is a reality that must be processed correctly to heal and that is understanding it all. I do not like the word victim but I understand my reality and I am not going to write it off in favor of being stigmatized by a word. I lived through something called abuse from a personality disordered person that tried to destroy me and then blamed me as if I were the abuser and then isolated me with backstabbing and a smear campaign that was an attempt to destroy my life COMPLETELY and to silence me so THEY could avoid exposure. I was not going to acknowledge a frame of reference that disallowed my recovery because of a label someone created that now tells me I am even MORE wrong and must not speak out. Victim’s become survivors by actualizing the truth and THEN we dump that label!

We all know how damaging it can be if we stay in this victim role, but that is your first cry for help as someone that needs more support, education, love and a hand to pull them back up. IT IS ACTUALIZING THE TRUTH FIRST! I have heard from too many people that buried so much and it resurfaces and locks them up in many years of mistrust and isolation because they were told to move on. Educate yourself, get healthy again, and then work on ‘you!’ YES, you must move on and away from everything Narcissist once you get it and stop talking abuse or Narcissist and concentrate on YOU and your recovery. It is a personal process and different for everyone! Abuse is traumatizing and to recover from that trauma you must actualize the truth of what happened.

So, ask yourself this now. Have you allowed yourself to feel any disdain or anger towards them? Due to those beliefs we are always supposed to take the higher road. BUT you are dealing with a Narcissist or a very disordered person that intentionally inflicted so much destruction on you through horrendous lies, betrayal, manipulation and they abused you terribly. Get angry and get mad because it can be liberating because you are acknowledging the truth and purge it out of yourself completely – THEN put that anger away to move forward. It is a stage of recovery to move you forward by purging it out of you completely. This can be very liberating when you embrace the truth and a great relief to realize that there is nothing wrong with you or your mental abilities. You didn’t know that this was a predator and a horrible person to have in your life. You didn’t have all of the tools to understand the relative danger of your reality with this Narcissist so don’t deceive yourself into thinking that there was a solution right there in front of you.

You get it today and you are away from them so it happened and you are free from this creature and the abuse. Count those blessings first to give yourself some levity to keep moving forward! Get healthy and use that as an opportunity to understand that there is evil out there and close every door that would enable this to happen to you again! Dig down deeply and acknowledge ALL of the distorted messages as well as the psychological abuse and desensitize it properly or it will only surface later. AGAIN there is no magical cure or guru that can take you to recovery except for yourself. Your beliefs about life have been distorted and even shattered to your core and has created a negative and fearful view of the world and you must purge that out of you or be disabled for life. The process is long and you CAN’T skip any part of it. You must separate completely from diagnosing the Narcissist or reliving the past trying to understand it any more than what you do today. It was abuse imposed on you by a Malignant Narcissist. Educate yourself about this creature until you get it, then work on healing YOU!

Your heart is unconditional and you are full of goodness and empathy, but protect that now that you have started to close that door to this Narcissist because they will always welcome you back for more abuse! If you have ever tried to really help a Narcissist as most of us have you know that if you get too close to the truth of what they are it will blow up in your face and cause you horrendous damage. The Narcissist doesn’t want to be fixed or have their issues solved. They want to escape with absolutely NO accountability of the truth as it concerns them and they will ALWAYS blame others for their problems and the way they ABUSE people. No matter what you say or do, the Narcissist will shift all of the blame right back onto you!

Attempting to reason or demanding accountability only starts up their immense denial mechanism and they will find every reason to divert from divulging the truth and they will even bump it up to destroy your integrity for attempting to divulge the truth. It is a tactic on their part that they have used all of their life. Blaming others keeps the Narcissist at arm’s length from their true darkness as well as their many issues. They have spent their entire life living under this shield of protection and you or nobody else can make them see the truth. They will strike out at you in such a manner that will hurt you more than you already are. However, you can work with that truth in a manner to acknowledge that this was situational and YOU are not to blame, a fool, mentally unstable, or any of the negative messages this Narcissist used to manage you down to feel worthless – that was all projection from this personality disordered Narcissist.

Reasoning with a Narcissist and their chaos, crazy making, and denial is truly a lesson in futility. They are liars through and through and have perfected the game of diverting from reality. Any person that can act out in the manner that a Narcissist does or intentionally extort/harm people like these creatures do can’t have access to rational reasoning, empathy, love, or reality. If they are breathing they are lying AND abusing. Lying even in a dysfunctional personality disorder like Narcissism has a cognitive basis (ability to reason) to it so they DO know what they are doing. Remember that they trap their prey and that requires a plan to make their agenda work with these lies – that is THINKING and KNOWING. They ALSO lie after they discard you to avoid being exposed – again they are thinking about what they NEED to do to survive.

This is why they are out there with another target/victim after each and every failed relationship. They are masterful at deception to get what they want. My Narcissist would have the world believing that I am mentally ill and scorned and THAT is what motivates me to write as I do. Even with the clarity and resonance of my words as well as the amazing similarity to ALL of the circumstances of this disorder, and mounds of written proof, and the collaborated stories from family, friends and co-workers that describe my ‘ex’ as a textbook Narcissist. Let them think what they think because you won’t change that because they are protecting themselves from exposure AND seriously they just don’t care. Nobody is exempt from their destructive smear campaign when they are on the run. In the end you realize that only fools believe this Narcissist and the smear campaign and in reality the Narcissist’s world is very small. ALL that is important is your freedom from this sadistic and smothering abuse by completely separating yourself from this person. That Narcissist isn’t going to change or apologize for the destruction they imposed on you or your life. Please no/minimal contact! Greg

Idealize, Devalue and Discard – AND repeat again, and again, and AGAIN! They do this to all people and ALL relationships.

Idealize, Devalue and Discard – AND repeat again, and again, and AGAIN! They do this to all people and ALL relationships.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Each step makes sense once you grasp and embrace the profile of a psychopath/narcissist. Biologically they are a human being, but they live for the pleasure of controlling and harming others – this is a fact however we want to describe it clinically or otherwise. It doesn’t mean that we have ANY lack of empathy for a human being that has a personality disorder – it just means that they ARE WHAT THEY ARE and they will cause a vast amount of destruction to everyone and anyone that has any type of relationship with them. We can’t dismiss the destructive nature of a Narcissist. So here is what it is all about!

The steps of a toxic relationship (any type of relationship) with a Narcissist:

IDEALIZE – this is like the honey moon phase with the Narcissist but in reality it is not YOU that is being ‘idealized’ but instead whatever the Narcissist wanted from you and only for however long he/she wants it. They CHARM us with amazing articulation – that is the vehicle that drives us to believe in the Narcissist, even trust them and unfortunately love them. Narcissists do an assessment of their romantic partners, during the assessment phase the Narcissist interacts very closely with their targets to see what makes them tick. They ask intimate questions, to discover their unfulfilled needs and weaknesses. They also commonly lure their targets with promises to offer them whatever has been missing from their lives. If you’re recovering from a recent break up or divorce, they offer you friendship and an exciting new romantic relationship. Whatever superficial bond they can create to completely win you over and gain your trust.

DEVALUE – once the Narcissist has manipulated you into their lair of lies and deceit, they manage their victim down into the depths of their pathology. Like a virus entering into their victim’s body they attack and erode our self-esteem away from us, as well as demean, debase and destroy our spirit and extract whatever they want, need and desire. THEN the boredom sets in and the Narcissist loses interest OR they are done using you for the particular need THEY had for you. They need more and newer supply like a drug addict needs their drug of choice, so their life is lived in an out-of-control manner where they are seeking out whomever or whatever they can to maintain their addiction and ‘high’, but always maintaining a steady source of supply from us and some extra supply on the side. What we believe is so personal and intimate is nothing more than our turn with the Narcissist as supply.

DISCARD – after the Narcissist has gotten everything he/she wanted from you and has probably secured other new targets for supply, they move on without a care. We were ONLY a COMPONENT in what was an agenda of a disordered Narcissist seeking out to extort supply from us and anybody else. This is just day to day business with a Narcissist seeking out or better yet extorting people and life. People are expendable and interchangeable to them BUT people are a resource the Narcissist NEEDS to survive and we are replaced quite readily.

For any victim/target, this process is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you so much time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem, your career or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to this relationship. It may have become your entire life, even having a family with a Narcissist. For the Narcissist however, the whole process isn’t really personal AT ALL! The Narcissist WILL do the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him/her into their intimate life. We are all reduced to and considered OBJECTS and possible supply – and life is a department store where the Narcissist shops for the SPECIFIC supply they desire – but they would be more aptly described as “shoplifters” because they feel completely entitled to take whatever they desire AND when they desire it!

They will do it again and again to everyone they seduce into their lair of manipulation, lies, and betrayal. It’s not about you or me, and it is not about the other people involved who are new/extra supply, the many partners they were with sexually, the minions the Narcissist employ in their game and set against you, or the many ‘others” the Narcissist used to make you compete and/or jealous – all of this is supply to validate Narcissist’s ego, to give him/her pleasure, to meet his/her fickle needs. No supply means anything more or less than any other supply. NO/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

A Narcissist intentionally confounds and confuses our thoughts to make us feel wrong for something we didn’t even do – the blame and shame diversion that manages a victim down to feel wrong and worthless and over time it erodes their reality!

A Narcissist intentionally confounds and confuses our thoughts to make us feel wrong for something we didn’t even do – the blame and shame diversion that manages a victim down to feel wrong and worthless and over time it erodes their reality!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

There are many ways that a Narcissist will confound or confuse your thought processes, isolate you, and hold you prisoner without that Narcissist even being in your presence. The Narcissist creates negative messages that trap us in our own heads. Be it raging, accusing, silencing, and distancing themselves from you for days, accusing or whatever they decide to throw your way. All of these methods are hideous forms of abuse to debilitate you/us and make you conform to their rules. They bait us with an argument or accusations, this escalates usually with the Narcissist taking it to a higher level of dysfunction, we are left dumbfounded with their hit and run message, and then they go into the punishment mode by running off or silencing us and we are left in shock or traumatized by the nonsense. LASTLY, we are left to our own devices especially when we try to rationalize any of this with our own mind and the ‘poison’ they injected into us.

I was continually baited with nonsensical accusations like being unfaithful (which I was not,) and out of the blue my Narcissist would throw these crazy stories out at me. “I know you are on every dating/sex site looking to hook up!” “I ran into a friend when I was out and they told me that they KNOW it is you!” Then ‘BAM’ the Narcissist judge would sentence me to 3 days of isolation, confinement, and silencing! The argument escalated without knowing the name of the so-called witness, proof, or the ability for me to speak. I knew the truth as far as it concerned me, but I also knew that when one of these scenarios would arise that my Narcissist was totally irrational and whatever I said or did would only amount to an attack of rage. I was CONDITIONED to accept these insane bouts of crazy making, accusations, and rage as a part of my relationship. What was my rationale in this, or why did I allow the accusations? Well because I couldn’t escape the accusations or the argument? Yes, I did think my Narcissist was insane at times, but I wanted these behaviors to stop and somehow work through these things so we could get things back on track again. I was the insane one for buying into all of it and trying to apply some sort of rationale or logic! By allowing myself to justify each of these stories and attacks, I was allowing myself to accept the abuse as my normal.

The Narcissist’s actions are meant to leave us in a very confused and vulnerable state, one that makes us challenge our own mind and reality and then pull us further into the abuse or basic brain-washing and conditioning. You/we throw reality, our intuition, and everything that we know to be true right out the window. Your persona has been eroded by the many mixed messages and confusion that a Narcissist creates and has created (in the past) with so many other situations. All of this is compounded by your ‘emotional connection’ to this Narcissist. You feel real emotions from the ‘love bombing’, but the Narcissist doesn’t feel any emotions, nor do they bond with us and this is NOT a conventional relationship by any means and never will! BUT to us this was real and we believed in it!

The human brain works in a manner that chemicals or endorphins are released in response to something that makes us feel wonderful and that gives us that euphoric feeling. BUT the opposite is true, when the stimulus that made us feel so wonderful is withdrawn from us and the production of the endorphins shuts down causing anxiety and even depression. Just simple Psychology! It is very common that a Narcissist can be so incredibly charming and perfect in the beginning of the relationship (love bombing) and you fall strongly in love. As a result of this AND the Narcissist’s manipulative agenda, you soon become strongly addicted to the immense highs from them and you still want this love available to you. It is an amazing love and MEANT to be that way to start the cycle of abuse! In normal relationships it is reciprocated back and together you BOTH fall deeply in love. But with a Narcissist they dangle this love in front of you and then pull it away and make you basically beg to get it back – they use this love to disable us! The Narcissist is grooming you in this back and forth manner to make you dependent on them. It is dehumanizing how they psychologically abuse a good and loving person to beg for their acceptance and love, especially when they initiated the whole process by tricking us into loving them to only bring us to our knees. There is nothing simple as it concerns being brainwashed or psychologically abused in this manner.

A Narcissist sets this all in motion with purpose and intent. The confusion keeps you frozen in time, vulnerable and blind to the reality that they are managing you down. This is the method to their madness to keep you/us right there with these distorted messages and traumatized while they are away securing other supply, betraying you or whatever they have going on. You are left isolated and attacking your own reality through their words and actions. They start the abuse and you finish it by going through the motions of blaming yourself and trying to make sense out of this darkness they left you in. REMEMBER in the beginning the Narcissist preceded this horrendous managing down (devaluation) with their ‘love bombing.’ We saw it (and still see it) as a viable relationship, but in fact it was part of their agenda to gain our trust first, then objectify us to harvest supply. An object just needs to be what it is, and serve a purpose. If it doesn’t function in this capacity it is replaced. We aren’t objects, but the Narcissist has to manage us down, groom us, control and essentially we become one! Stop believing in what was never really there in the first place. Do whatever it takes to reason this out with the truth that you already know and finally break this cycle of abuse that disabled you and has you down for the count. No/minimal contact to completely stop the madness and abuse! Greg

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