Moving forward with the truth and CLARITY! We were methodically being erased bit by bit until there was nothing much left of us but a shell of a person we once were!

Moving forward with the truth and CLARITY! We were methodically being erased bit by bit until there was nothing much left of us but a shell of a person we once were!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

So we fell for the CHARM of a Narcissist, perhaps even fell in LOVE – but an unnatural and abusive relationship OR love is nothing even near a normal and it comes with a great price – the truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem, belief system, worth, and emotional wellbeing – BUT we totally believed in this person at first (and their scam). With that in mind we constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND lost ourselves at so many levels in doing so. Our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools through insidious CONTROL while we kept believing in them.

Their manipulation, betrayal, lies and acting out was methodically ‘conditioning’ us to provide them with supply and they stepped up the game to get the most, if not ALL they could from us until they were caught and identified as the monster they are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth and loss more and more of ourselves. We didn’t give them the power to abuse us, we MISTAKINGLY opened our hearts/minds with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise – AND THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO!

So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship) who believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, friendship, love, individuality, etc., AND a real relationship ONLY tried to follow the natural flow or path of a relationship. But what we didn’t know is that we had inadvertently set the stage for narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them – and that is a BIG NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM – it usually is when a person extorts or is a thief. A thief steals from you when you least expect it and they NEVER leave you a personal gift in return for what they stole – not a give and take situation – ALL TAKE like a Narcissist! Like a spoiled child, a narcissist will act out in rage against the individual who is keeping them from getting what they want – constant supply, admiration, adulation and total control over their target.

During what I call my “processing phase” I thought about all the arguments that seemed to come from nowhere and escalated to an “out of control” status for absolutely no reason. There were never any questions asked – there were always accusations from my Narcissist CONCERNING me. I was everything evil, everything mentally ill, I was perverse, having affairs, lying, cheating, stealing and anything else bad that the Narcissist could think up. It was the creative and DESTRUCTIVE mind of a highly disordered person acting out of their deep seeded pathology.

These were diversions and projections of what the Narcissist was actually doing, and they were shoved down my throat in an effort for this Narcissist to release from the shame and blame they should HAVE OWNED themselves for these hideous acts, lies and betrayal. Next it was to attempt to make me feel unworthy like I was all of these things wrong and bad and meant to push me over the edge. This defines the relationship with a Narcissist – totally and hysterically dysfunctional with an edge that serves the Narcissist’s agenda always. I reflected on some of the Narcissists arguments or statements that seemed so uncharacteristically insecure and childlike to me at the time. It was such a surprise coming from an adult, but I justified it and wrote it off as this Narcissist’s “immaturity.”

I wanted this Narcissist to be the person I believed the Narcissist to be when my heart assigned itself to loving this Narcissist and I was resolved about my beliefs. If you love them, you will accept them for WHO they are and work with them, time will work to heal all of this and the bigger picture was what was important. Too bad I didn’t realize the PSYCHOPATHY behind all of this. REMEMBER there was a great deal of CHARM or ‘love bombing’ so the Narcissist could gain our trust to get us to believe they were GOOD at first. I wasn’t overlooking the obvious because I wasn’t seeing the WHOLE picture or the lies, cheating, betrayal, brain-washing and everything else that is kept so hidden from all of us – this is why it is classified as abuse or better yet psychological terrorism/abuse because it leaves us emotionally and psychologically wounded – and that what the Narcissist meant to do.

Now ask yourself were you a mentally challenged person when you entered into this relationship? I would believe most would say no. Unfortunately as time went on you were described as practically insane by the Narcissist, as well as a couple hundred other things to make you out to be worthless and that takes time to purge out of your mind. You were managed down slowly but surely to accept this role with your abuser without even knowing it. You were blamed, shamed, told you were everything bad. With that in mind you were put in a role that locked your mind up in these distortions (brainwashing, gas-lighting, manipulation, etc.) and trying to do more and more to alleviate all of these so called problems you had to get the relationship back on track. The Narcissist was the driving force behind all of this to keep you trapped in confusion each and every day. Remember they had an arsenal of tools to do this because that is what they do and they are utilizing these tools with this new supply too!

What is perhaps, the most difficult and devastating outcome of a narcissistic relationship, mustering up the strength as well as adopting the position to accept that your partner was just pathologically abusive and cruel AND now you must abandon them and the relationship COMPLETELY. It is a difficult and unnatural process to have to dump your past completely, as well as your emotions, dreams, plans, the family structure (they abandon/abuse their own biological children as well), all of those years you spent together and the memories that are also fake. IT IS AN ABHORATION of human life as well as human dignity to use/harm/destroy another individual in the manner a malignant Narcissist does. After you get there you are then left with the arduous task of finding yourself again BUT it is a journey we must start to heal and move forward.

Apart from all of that, I live and I love again. It is an amazing life because now, I accept that there are people in this world who represent darkness and evil. It is not my place to fix them, make them better or to even tolerate them. Life is good without narcissists/psychopaths. I know myself better, I am myself, I love and enjoy and find the world a wonderful place to be in. I have good and great relationships. I know that I finally faced the truth and worked through it. I was not a deer frozen in the headlights and stayed in that position dazed forever. I was an adult with many resources and I learned to use them. I accepted that abnormal people had entered into my life. I accepted that they left damage in their wake and I needed to get them out of my life. Unless you do that, unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out. You will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU – it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life. Educate yourself and go “no contact” AND educate others once you understand the reality of this abuse and the damage it does to many undeserving and beautiful people. No contact always! Greg

Let’s remember EXACTLY what we are dealing with or what is REALLY behind the mask, façade and con AND never forget! The Narcissist’s world lacks any and all principle, thus the constant inconsistency of morals and anything and everything else that goes on in their world – NO MATTER WHAT THE COST IS TO ANYBODY. There is no one functioning basis of reality only entitlement to whatever they want AND the premise of whatever serves them!

Let’s remember EXACTLY what we are dealing with or what is REALLY behind the mask, façade and con AND never forget! The Narcissist’s world lacks any and all principle, thus the constant inconsistency of morals and anything and everything else that goes on in their world – NO MATTER WHAT THE COST IS TO ANYBODY. There is no one functioning basis of reality only entitlement to whatever they want AND the premise of whatever serves them!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Often, we hear that a Narcissist just does not care and THAT becomes such a confusing point of contention with us! Just what does that mean – how can another person possess such a void that they have absolutely no ability to care for another human being? Well it means that a Narcissist does not have the internal and normal functioning mechanisms required to PROHIBIT them from feeling the reality of the harm that they cause to the people that care or love them. Their whole being is a working mechanism (or a façade) and it lacks all empathy, emotion and the ability to bond with other human beings. WE on the other hand can logically differentiate what caring is as well as what hurt feels like because we do possess empathy, emotion, and the ability to bond and love. A Narcissist just cannot understand this and they wonder what goes on in our mind and why we make such a fuss about their lifeless emotions – they don’t know what we know, or feel what we feel – if you don’t know it you can’t feel it.

You can logically understand that a Narcissist does not possess the ability to care but you cannot understand or put yourself in the position to actually feel what it is like to be totally void of that ability to care so you CANNOT wrap your head around it at all. Your normal emotions will ALWAYS trump any understanding that a person could be so void of life, emotions, care, and love. We CANNOT know what makes a Narcissist tick – but we can believe from our experience with them that it is a non-functioning and destructive relationship. We MUST get out of TRYING to understand a Narcissist and just accept the truth around the fact they are disordered, and dangerous to our well-being. You cannot fix them, heal them, get back at them, or expect them to come to your aid in any other manner than with more manipulation and abuse – there is no closure that exists within the Narcissist as far as it concerns getting any sort of validation of the destruction and pain they caused to your life. You NEED to totally understand this to move on and recover – you need to do this so you concentrate on yourself and healing to move forward!

The Narcissist’s world lacks any and all principle, thus the constant inconsistency of morals and anything and everything else that goes on in their world – NO MATTER WHAT THE COST IS TO ANYBODY. There is no one functioning basis of reality! The only standards a Narcissists has are DOUBLE standards – none of which are ever consistent from one situation to the next. Narcissists are NOT consistent and they despise anyone that is consistent with their ethics, goodness, life, etc., because it exposes the Narcissist’s inconsistency and a constant reminder of their own self-deception. Like garlic to a vampire – they will hiss at it, try to destroy it, and run off into the darkness.

I can’t emphasize enough just how much we underestimate the truth/reality of the destructive pathological Narcissist who operates behind a facade of FAUX respectability and altruism. They are abusive to people, families, organizations, and life in general. The pathological Narcissist is a long-term plotter, like one of those brilliant chess players who can see the whole board and then plans ten or more moves ahead. It is almost impossible for anyone to uncover the complex and multi-layered schemes of such a person unless you are entirely aware of the depths of their level of intelligence used to manipulate and hide their disordered self – THEY ARE ALWAYS MANY STEPS AHEAD OF THE GAME. So to know one requires knowledge we don’t have OR could never understand if we did possess it, and even if we did unlock all of the truth we couldn’t fix them or even relate – so basically we are always left wide open to being perpetually deceived. That is just how good they are at this game to get their supply AND get away with it. We are ALL targets and objects of this abuse and it is never singular in nature because it destroys whole families, organizations, businesses, etc., and they have the right camouflage to hide among us and to protect themselves from being exposed. They are basically predators after prey and the chaos they inflict annihilates anybody that crosses their path. When we accept that and close the book to the emotions or whatever binds us to them, then we can accept the real and ugly truth and start to move on!

Lastly the awareness that others may have is a constant source of anxiety for the Narcissist and thus a huge need to constantly control their immediate world. The Narcissist is also aware of the limitations surrounding their facade of lies BUT only through the reactions from the people they abuse. When people talk with one another, they begin to acquire a much larger perspective of things and they begin to see a bigger picture of the Narcissist. The pathological Narcissist CAN’T afford to have people talking amongst themselves and sharing stories because it will expose them and destroy their façade. So, he/she will go to great lengths and carefully produce very devious and underhanded schemes to keep people divided. The Narcissist will create division among colleagues by planting lies about one person to another, and another about someone else. This can be a successful strategy because no one expects a highly intelligent adult to be carrying on like a scheming child or an emotionally disturbed adolescent. Since most people are unaware that they are truly dealing with a’ terroristic gossiper’ like a scheming Narcissist that is triangulating and maligning a target – it is much easier to believe the liar (Narcissist). This is the Narcissist’s damage control to protect their abusive agenda and keep an endless “SUPPLY.”

Again, WE MUST understand that this abuse is intentional and as much as it was such a personal part of us, it was purely the act of an emotionally and psychologically UNBALANCED and deviant human being. It seems insurmountable to try to erase what was reality to us as nothing more than a Narcissist sourcing us out to provide themselves with what they only needed to survive. Why do they go through such lengths to do this and why also destroy good people? Well I would say because it works for them, it gives them power to control us and maintain their constant supply from us. What other reason would motivate a person to act in this manner if it wasn’t tied to an agenda?

Yes, it is how they are wired, no empathy, no emotions, and they CAN’T love that is why this is labeled a personality disorder. But why do they destroy and damage good and unsuspecting people when it is bad enough that they extort them of their lives and love, yet alone have a knife to their back ready to destroy them at any given moment? WHY if they are getting what they so desperately need do they destroy a good thing then? BECAUSE they are not a fully functioning human being and cannot act on the same normal human premise to bond, care for, or love other human beings! So basically, they are psycho bullies, emotional manipulators, users and abusers as well as destructive and dangerous so never stay a moment longer with them once you know the truth. Your sanity has been pushed to the point that you are so vulnerable and basically functioning after the time you have spent with this person. Is it worth that to try to stay a moment longer and for what – to lose your sanity? Their truth is hidden behind so many lies, so if they can lie so easily to themselves to protect their damaged self they will most assuredly lie to us and about us to keep their dirty secrets hidden and take us down first!

Remember YOU are the amazing and normal person here that only believed in a person like we ALL would do using your empathy to connect/grow – and THAT was manipulated and used against you for gain, THEIR gain. We didn’t walk into this knowing we were going to be abused – or wanting to be abused. We did what NORMAL people of empathy do, but were fighting a silent war that we didn’t even know was happening – and that is called emotional and psychological abuse – and that broke us bit by bit. Forgive yourself in every way possible and allow yourself the life you deserve. You can and will become that person you once were if you discard EVERYTHING you can concerning this Narcissist and empower yourself with the clarity and truth to move forward. NO/MINIMAL CONTACT! Greg

Narcissists have to BLAME and ultimately destroy the very person they abused or else they will be ‘outed’ as the abuser THEY are – so they do this with the BIG BLAME GAME – and they have been doing this or setting it up long before the end of whatever relationship they had with you. A Narcissist will ALWAYS blame/accuse THEIR victim of ruining THEIR life!

Narcissists have to BLAME and ultimately destroy the very person they abused or else they will be ‘outed’ as the abuser THEY are – so they do this with the BIG BLAME GAME – and they have been doing this or setting it up long before the end of whatever relationship they had with you. A Narcissist will ALWAYS blame/accuse THEIR victim of ruining THEIR life!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Absolute control of their partner is the ultimate goal of the Narcissist to extort supply. Here is the thing — this is very difficult to identify and understand in the beginning of a relationship with a Narcissist because they are among every other thing I outlined the world’s best CON artist and they mean to con us out of our worth, integrity, finances, self-esteem and anything else they can get their grubby little hands on – so the “game is on” with them! HOW do they do this – through the horrendous manipulation of our emotions – using them against us through BLAME and diminishing us piece by piece

Nobody likes to be blamed for something, BUT a responsible person will accept blame for something appropriate. Narcissists don’t accept blame for anything, even if it is deserved (which it is always deserved as it concerns them) – they are always the victim and the blamer! I have to say that part of this is their typical omnipotence or “I’m better than you” and “rules don’t apply to me” attitude, but there is seriously more to it than that. Blaming is how they control others OR harm the targets they are viciously attacking as well as releasing guilt by blaming everybody else. These are more than likely friends, family members, partners, or former love interests or people that are the closest to the Narcissist. They know all too well and understand that the use of destructive and defensive strength behind their blaming approach (bullying) and smear campaign weakens/destroys the integrity of their target and puts them in a defensive role that will only make them seem guilty of the Narcissist’s negative campaign against them. Narcissists make regular use of this method to destroy people, and they start it well before their target is wise to the destruction that is waiting for them.

There is no having a real relationship with a Narcissist, you may be in what you believe is a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you – you are Narcissistic supply and you/we always have an expiration date with them – and they are scheming and setting it up well before we realize it. You are only in their life to make them look good or because you are useful to the Narcissist as an object to satisfy a variety of needs. Nothing is ever internalized with a Narcissist like emotional bonds, caring, love or EMPATHY. Their world is totally external and everyone is objectified like a shiny new car that the Narcissist drives/wears to make them look however special they feel they need to be. Their image is a fake aspect of their chameleon like nature – and it constantly changes just like the chameleon changes its colors to blend into an environment.

The Narcissist constantly violates boundaries albeit physical, emotional, and mental. They follow no rules in life, or respect human dignity/rights, or adhere to any written laws. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or take/steal anything that belongs to others – as well as betray people without a care. Ownership is their birthright or so they feel because they are above the normal order of life. They will violate your standing with figures of authority in an effort to cause trouble/destruction or just to “one up” you. They are truly extortionists and they take everything and anything they can get their hands on. BUT remember this chameleon camouflages itself with CHARM – so they get away with virtual murder because they have been doing this all of their lives and they are just that good at it. The people that know the truth about them are mostly their targets/victims – the rest become their minions at some useful level that they charm into believing just how special they are AND they protect the Narcissist’s lies and disordered life – they are the enablers of their abuse.

The habit of treating a human being or a person as a means to an end is utilitarian (to satisfy a need or fulfill an AGENDA) and fundamentally derelict, inhumane, abusive and a pathological and perverted manipulation of our basic human rights. The Narcissist is feeding their endless ‘depravity void’ through injustice by his/her regard for others as mere instruments of the Narcissist’s own gratification AND destroying their victims when they are done with them. The closer the association to a Narcissist the more pathological the Narcissist becomes and the more damage done to the target/victim. Their needs are far more than just extorting basic life and biological needs – it is their psychological needs that cause the most damage to their target/victim. It is their need to control and gain dominance or power over other people that damages and destroys them. They are BASICALLY human with most of the same biological needs (like eating, breathing and sexuality) but when it comes to mental functions they are delusional and seem to have a battle that rages in their head to seriously harm people that love them as if they loathe all people and need to destroy them one by one.

Lastly the Narcissist can’t maintain their façade without exposing their true colors, and exposure is their greatest fear. So, the Narcissist exerts their last bit of power to annihilate the very source that could expose the truth – their target/victims – so BAM we are blamed for what they actually did.. Hence all those clinical terms that describe the repercussions of our relationship with them like backstabbing and the ‘smear campaign’ and BOOM we are BLAMED, destroyed, done and gone forever. No-one is ever the wiser, so life goes on FOR THE NARCISSIST while we pay for it. Don’t forget that there are always THOSE subjects that the Narcissist has been grooming while they were abusing us so there you go again – BOOM – they have a brand new ‘subject’ (target/victim) ready and waiting to serve them and new soldiers to protect their lies and shore up the fortress (the very ones they have been backstabbing us to).. Truthfully, they are a universal manipulator and abuser! YOU are not to blame for ANY of this – it was situational abuse! No/minimal contact to break the cycle of this abuse. Greg

Narcissists don’t invite us into their lives for companionship, nor do they create ANY sort of a healthy bond or ANY type of bond, NOR do they accept that they need help to be normal or seek our help – instead they trick us, con us, and abuse us to get what they want and then slip back out of our lives after they have gotten it and try to destroy any evidence of what they actually did – IT IS ALL ABOUT THEIR AGENDA and they are aware of what they are doing.

Narcissists don’t invite us into their lives for companionship, nor do they create ANY sort of a healthy bond or ANY type of bond, NOR do they accept that they need help to be normal or seek our help – instead they trick us, con us, and abuse us to get what they want and then slip back out of our lives after they have gotten it and try to destroy any evidence of what they actually did – IT IS ALL ABOUT THEIR AGENDA and they are aware of what they are doing. SO, how do they escape from their very own conscience for the harm and destruction they cause in our lives and world? ANSWER – their self-created image, façade, mask, LIES and projection. You don’t create these things unless you know you NEED them for an agenda to fit in, con, manipulate, control, etc., etc.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

More of that TRUTH – let’s really get this! Narcissists are a big lie and they have to always look over their shoulder to make sure they aren’t caught and that guilt is what worries them – THEY DON’T WANT TO BE EXPOSED FOR WHAT THEY ARE but they are also able to dismiss who and what they are so easily. That is the working mechanism called projection or one of those clinical terms that is repeated over and over again but important in understand this personality disorder. Obviously they don’t care about the deceitful action they have committed because they repeat their offenses daily – BUT they don’t want to tarnish their shiny selves because they NEED that façade to make their game work – that is where this working mechanism or projection comes into play.

So to start – guess who carries the blame/shame for them – you got it YOU and I! Add to the equation that Narcissist’s are the MOST insecure and needy creatures in this world and that is why they are so self-absorbed seeking supply wherever they can find it. They will build up their façade so completely that they will even use marriage, a family, a career position or whatever to be the fortress they will hide behind. It protects them from being exposed by seeming so real and genuine BUT they are hiding behind us to shore up their façade and look normal. BUT you can believe that they are never the saint that they strive and pretend to be. You are just part of the defenses to protect their image and FREEDOM to do as they wish and prevent them from exposure – well that and supply too.

OK so back to the basics of positive and negative projection. By projecting positive things onto the target/victim the Narcissist is using us as a mirror so their virtuosity is “reflected” back onto and into them. It enables them to bask at their glorious image they WE reflect back to them with our love, caring, adoration, and respectful responses, etc. In turn they believe it is their reality and use it so that they can walk around with their superior attitude making them appear as saintly, virtuous, kind, having empathy, love, and the whole nine yards or very charming! SO in reality they are seeking their own approval as being worthy because they are the furthest thing from perfect or virtuous AND in reality we are only an instrument for them to adore themselves – that is as deep as it goes with them or satisfying their vast and empty void. This is the Narcissist’s grandiose and false image they present to the world and use to get what they want and need supply. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING REAL ABOUT THEM.

Now to the negative projection. It is basically the same thing in reverse. The Narcissist projects their darkness, their ugliness, perverted habits, distorted thoughts and beliefs, or the truth about just how hateful their actions and deeds are, or their whole reality onto the mirror or us (again). This time they are essentially transferring their negative reality onto us in order to make us feel and appear to be the faulty one. The reflection they get back is another version of their saintly selves as being moral and denouncing the very hateful and perverted things they act on. The Narcissist transfers ownership of their negative and faulty character flaws as belonging to us. Doing this, the narcissist is in effect using the target/victim as a dumping ground to rid THEMSELVES from blame and shame. I would be raged at and accused of having affairs, lying about something, told I was worthless or any other number of things – none of which were real but I couldn’t wrap my head around why this person that loved me accused me of so many CRAZY things. In one simple word – PROJECTION! That is why it is important that we understand this clinical word because it is one more piece of the puzzle that will help us achieve our own closure through knowledge/education.

What is the main coefficient here? You, me and the rest of the world. Without us there is no way they can participate in life and achieve supply. They HAVE to live amongst us with a believable reality, but they can’t monitor or control their distorted needs, nor do they even see their destructive behavior or perverted lifestyle as dysfunctional because they are too damaged, in complete denial, and just don’t care. Everything you offer them, be it care or unconditional love is used and abused so they can get what they want period. Their ‘projection’ is the tool they use to HIDE the truth and make us believe. Unfortunately that façade and mask slips because they obviously will get caught up in their lies and distortion, so they turn them right back around onto and into us as if we are abusive like them! They are very good at this projection and that is why we always end up devalued or they take us from ‘Charm to Harm!” They are also extremely efficient abusers as it concerns hiding their reality to get what they want. We have to put ourselves in a position to truly understand that what they were doing was subjugation to each and every one of us and only destructive and sadistic to US. No there is no real love or commitment as it concerns our time with them and there never will be. Once you get to this realization the pieces fall in place to help you actualize your position as an object that they only extorted and abused!

As simple as it all sounds the Narcissist’s aim is impeccable and all of us are the targets and we make their life work. Think about their attacks. Who does the Narcissist call a liar? The honest person and usually that means you and me, but who is the real liar – the Narcissist? Who does The Narcissists say is bad, dangerous and the abusive person? Well again the good person that actually cares for them and probably loves them and that is us again. They will put themselves before their own biological children and family, and that speaks so loudly about how disordered they really are! Remember though they are quite talented at what they do and they have all of this down to an art form so their talent for farce is so great that MANY people mistake the Narcissist for stoic and astute as we have all done. They are working that image for sure and hanging onto that mask for dear life. But in that definition just remember that their insecurity is so intense that they have to seek out many mirrors (people) to constantly reinforce the big facade or the big lie of what and who they are. They have no room for anything else in their lives other than keeping that façade and themselves viable and alive – but it is not plausible because they are so out of control that they always get caught up in their own game. You can only fake it for so long!

So many times we see ourselves as foolish for falling for their lies and façade. But put some thought into this, EVERYONE falls for their façade, even their minions, or the naysayers that find our stories too incredulous to believe. So are they foolish as well for not seeing through the Narcissists façade too? A big YES. So if we are to accept foolishness then the rest of the world must join in accepting their role as also being FOOLED by the Narcissist’s grand façade! It is OK to be foolish if you realize the truth of the situation and move forward in a new and positive direction.

A Narcissist has the mental capacity of a child with no sense of measure or moderation. So a Narcissist is more dangerous with their thoughts and mouth than an angry child throwing a tantrum because they want what they want and WHEN they want it. They will spew out some poison about someone as easily and naturally as we take a breath of air. Remember a Narcissist only loves themselves and there is NO room for anything else but seeking out people or supply to reinforce their lame façade. They have no normal human relationships because they can only relate to people as objects. As I mentioned above, a Narcissists will project off of their own children as thoughtlessly as they would anybody else that stands directly in front of them and that is just too unnatural as it concerns the human love condition. Since a Narcissist is really a ‘mental’ little child with no emotional maturity, rules or regulations, the only reign or hold on their behavior is what they feel they can get away with. So, the more The Narcissist gets away with, the more repressed guilt they have to purge onto some poor target/victim.

This is why you eventually end up devalued and discarded. This creature doesn’t have any expertise in any realm of human relationships, the human condition, or loving anyone. It is only a matter of time that their mask slips and their boredom, true disdain and hatred for the connection they forced on you/us surfaces. Their real disconnection with people is their reality and it ALWAYS sends them off in another direction to find new people to feed their out-of-control lifestyle. WE ARE ONLY SUPPLY and they have to seek out more viable supply to get that high back because they CAN’T participate in real intimacy and let it grow and they only FAIL at it miserably, but they have convinced us that we are at fault and we internalize it as the reality of our situation. They are fighting a battle with themselves that demands putting their full attention to their false mask and fortress, and the only way to always have that strong adulation and admiration they need is VARIETY. Remember that old saying, “variety is the spice of life,” and the Narcissist lives by this.

This is not an excuse by any means because they have the same ability to turn it around in a positive fashion by making positive changes but they are happy the way they are. ALSO remember they will stay as long as you allow them to, but you will lose yourself completely! Don’t feed this Narcissist with your positive and loving energy because that is what they are after. They can’t create this on their own so they have to manipulate and extort it from us and from the rest of life. What does that make them a thief, an extortionist, or what? Well it makes them abusive to people. They don’t invite us into their lives and say that they need our help to be normal or seek our help – instead they trick us, con us, and abuse us to get what they want and then slip back out of our lives after they have gotten it and try to destroy any evidence of what they actually did. The end result from all of this horrendous betrayal is traumatization of a good person or abuse! No/minimal contact to end this abuse! Greg

The BIG PROJECTION – BLAME/SHAME GAME! Understanding the Narcissist’s agenda of devaluing us and then projecting THEIR faults onto us all at the same time. Narcissistic magic to make them the virtuous one by turning it around and blaming us for what THEY do!

The BIG PROJECTION – BLAME/SHAME GAME! Understanding the Narcissist’s agenda of devaluing us and then projecting THEIR faults onto us all at the same time. Narcissistic magic to make them the virtuous one by turning it around and blaming us for what THEY do!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

When a Narcissist verbally attacks, devalues, or projects slander onto their targets/victims, they have two objectives. One is projection of course (accusing us of what they do), BUT the other is to “dirty a bright spot in your character” with whatever lies or slander they are projecting at you. It’s as though any shiny part of your image diminishes the glow of their façade and that just pisses that destructive inner child of theirs off. You can never be anything but inferior to them. This is of course the mentality of the Narcissistic terrorist, who must malign and tear other people’s integrity down and ultimately harm OR destroy them with what only amounts to a chaotic counter attack to protect their distorted and damaged existence.

Projection and smearing at the same time is a work of art for the Narcissist, and it is uncanny how Narcissists manage to accomplish it. It’s all in the way their words are carefully placed, because not only do they ditch one of their faults, they muddy up one of your virtues in the process until they eradicate all of your goodness. They are so glib and amazingly adept at “killing two birds with that one stone.”

Think about situations where they may have been caught in one of their many lies – and instead of accepting accountability they completely divert and accuse you of the same thing and then they start dissembling you bit by bit! It is all about getting that reaction as well – because that takes the situation into another direction and away from them. SO again this is done to get us to react – In turn we start our own projecting back to our Narcissist – but NOT in any manner similar to what they project onto us – we project in an effort to use our empathy and critical thinking to TRY to make things right or fix them. But remember the Narcissist is training us like a dog to make us do tricks. So we learn that by remaining silent, avoiding making them accountable, showing more affection, being so good to them, or loving/caring them before ourselves, we get our just reward. Basically we project a ‘happy face’ when inside we are conflicted, protecting ourselves, confused, manipulated, betrayed and demeaned. It is absolutely dehumanizing and subjugation pure and simple. This is why they malign all people – I have a new term for this and it is ‘hate bombing!’ Just like the ‘love bombing’ it has its purpose to keep us controlled BUT in a negative and fearful way.

Their projection works amazingly well because it is just so much crazy thrown at us that we are never the wiser or seeing it as projection because it is shocking and then once again it adds another level of the abuse and damages our chances of fixing things ONCE AGAIN – bit by bit they are erasing us. We react by wanting to set it all straight, so it just put us back into that place where we were explaining ourselves again and bending over backwards to fix another deluded accusation – another day another loss of who we are?

Again, remember none of what they said about you was real, BUT It was real for the Narcissist because THEY were doing whatever they accused us of — SO to cleanse themselves of the horrendous wrongdoing they have done, they had to project this onto us and see us squirm and basically punish us for their acts of infidelity. They essentially put themselves up on their grand pulpit and exclaimed that they were OUR sins as well as proclaiming their high morality as in they would NEVER commit such an act when they just did. This is how they dump the guilt and patch up their virtuous façade. It is ALL about the reaction, deflection, attacking our virtues, turning the blame onto us.

It is all very confusing when you are going through it. But understand and remember this, the Narcissist isn’t attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments.’ Consequently, when the Narcissist is conducting a character assassination against you or someone else, the gun the Narcissists shoots never hits one of that person’s real flaws, it is shot at you (or whomever) to just wound you enough to disable you. Believe me they will keep shooting and wounding you in the hopes of completely crippling you as time goes by because they have to do this to remain in control and protect their false life and lies.

OK, so the point here was to understand some of the mechanics that will hopefully help you release from the blame and shame that the Narcissist dumped into your head. You don’t deserve to carry a debt for the time you spent with this person. You ARE a normal and loving human being that is equipped with empathy and you proved that all along. Do you ever remember feeling like this before you got involved with this Narcissist? NO, unless you were with another Narcissist. You didn’t magically go from a good person to an insensitive, non-caring person that could do nothing right in this crazy and debilitating relationship. You are not crazy or insane either. You were abused by a very defective person that ultimately managed you down more and more until eventually you lost sight of the real you. You will become that real person you once were because unlike the Narcissist WE ARE ABLE TO CHANGE. You were disabled by the extreme tactics used on you. With introspection, time, support and real love, you can and will turn around. It is time for you to BELIEVE in yourself completely and discard everything and anything about what this Narcissist made you believe about yourself. They were a nightmare in your life, and now that you are awake and free from them it is time to put the real perspective or truth back into your reality that you are a normal and amazing person that has the tools to become whole again. You really have to use them to succeed, so PLEASE no/minimal contact to start you out on that road to recovery! Greg

The confusing maze of emotional and psychological abuse and how it affects your normal thought processes.You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an old illusion you hang onto that things COULD be right again because he/she (the Narcissist) pulls you back every time they push you away. You try to make sense out of all of this but instead you CONSTANTLY feel lost, confused and walking on those eggshells.

The confusing maze of emotional and psychological abuse and how it affects your normal thought processes.You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an old illusion you hang onto that things COULD be right again because he/she (the Narcissist) pulls you back every time they push you away. You try to make sense out of all of this but instead you CONSTANTLY feel lost, confused and walking on those eggshells.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Within the cycle of abuse with a Narcissist AND having to deal with all of the chaos, accusations, the constant blame, shame and punishment the target/victim only TRIES to make sense of the Narcissist’s hurtful behaviors in an attempt to fix things by overcompensating. By constantly engaging with the Narcissist it becomes too tangible or the victim’s new reality in a distorted and disabling manner. The Narcissist completely steers the direction by always reinforcing their technique with equal parts of love/charm and pain/harm creating a desperation that keeps the victim caught up in this overcompensating to get back to that cohesive and loving part of the relationship they once knew! Add to this the frequent belittlement in the manner a Narcissist will dismiss anything that is exciting or that inspires a target/victim. A Narcissist will crush any attempts from the target/victim to make sense of their agenda and keep the target CONSTANTLY confused and walking on those eggshells or off balance or basically always being in control of the victim disabling them emotionally AND psychologically. So, let’s call this what it is or emotional and psychological abuse!

Any dissention from a victim harms the Narcissist’s flow and need to feel superior or the omnipotent one in any relationship AND most importantly getting the constant admiration that they need OR the supply they are desperately after. The Narcissist has a pathological envy of everything real and normal in people, because it discounts the Narcissist’s reality or better yet lack of reality and makes them aware of their shortcomings of WHO they THINK they are. This is expressed in varying degrees throughout the devaluation, discard and horrific smear campaign where they will trample their target/victim’s integrity into the ground to support their superior facade. Anyone who has shared a life with a Narcissist recognizes the chronic dispensation of such double standards and the many manifestations across all areas of life where rules and laws are applied that the Narcissist NEVER abides by. It is especially evident with children who have been raised by a Narcissistic parent or with this desperate, confusing, and disabling love!

As a consequence of this constant uncertainty is the consistent self-doubt and feeling of worthlessness that manifests itself in the target/victim’s heart and mind. The Narcissist is not only manipulating the mind but also tugging at the heartstrings of the target or victim to stay in control. If you do this I will love you, but it you don’t follow my exact rules and laws I will punish you, terrorize you demean, dehumanize you, AND leave you – not a very tangible approach to any sort of viable relationship. Basically, it is a very dehumanizing form of conditioning and subjugation of a human being and WRONG at every level – THIS is why it is labeled abuse and why THEY are labeled personality disordered.

This constant blend of abusive and charming behavior with the victim is very common with a tyrannical Narcissist and basically describes the need to control their environment or that manipulative conditioning to keep the victim off guard and totally lost in confusion. For the target/victim it is a toxic osmosis from the devaluation effect of being in the presence of and angry and spiritually draining creature. So, the Narcissist is not in this dance just for positive supply, we are a dumping ground for their toxicity as well and that is what damages the soul and destroys a person’s complete belief system. The Narcissist uses that manipulative and confusing component of equal parts pain and compassion or love and desperation in a manner to make their targets/victims feel that there is that small glimmer of hope that is coming from the Narcissist’s unconditional and loving soul and THAT is what keeps the victim engaged. Unfortunately, that soul if it exists is neither loving nor unconditional. It is dark, empty and knows nothing about real love, truth or the reality of respecting life – but it does know how to extort whatever it can from a victim even if that means destroying them completely.

The most heartbreaking effect of these disorienting double standards is the utter confusion about what is considered right and wrong when sharing a world with a Narcissist. The double standards seem to trade places constantly throughout the relationship. The Narcissist creates standards, morals and laws for everybody around them but they themselves do not respect or follow ANY of their own rules or standards and constantly change them to meet THEIR personal needs in any given situation. The end result is the victim never has a real voice because of the ever-changing rules and standards and the victim is always the one at fault. A Narcissist will NEVER validate a positive reality or experience for another human being, but instead trap their targets/victims in a fun house maze of mirrors that never reflect an accurate image. The target/victim runs through that fun-house maze of mirrors seeing their reflection as different and ever changing or a static and inaccurate image that is ever-changing. Those who have lived through this know how this easily manipulates and implants itself into a deep-seated belief that one’s interpretation of reality, especially when reality is ambiguous or uncertain, is always the wrong one, the faulty one, the one fully invalidated by the mere existence of the Narcissist’s manipulative interpretation to control people!

Never, never just listen to the Narcissists words, but instead observe the behavior that they back up any of the words they use. Behavior is how we can completely assess the reality of what a person is truly offering us. Words are a Narcissists main tools to make their con job functional and rewarding to themselves! You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an illusion of everything being right (because he/she tells you so) and this is a very hard thing to accept. If it feels wrong, it is wrong.

What goes along with this is staying out of the Narcissist’s head! Don’t try to figure out what they are up to or what’s going on in their lives, what’s in their mind, or second guess them. Getting into a Narcissist’s head means trying to figure out their motives, trying to make excuses for them, trying to rationalize their behavior, maybe even trying to manipulate them, and all this does is gets you sucked right back into the content of the chaos, crazymaking, and abuse again! They trained you well to always think about them, so that it deflects away from the truth that they are the problem, the sick one, and the abusive personality and you turn it around to see what YOU can do to fix this, fix THEM, or even accept the blame that this is ALL your fault.

When you catch yourself thinking about them and trying to gain some relevant information that will help you out in some way, just remember NOTHING is relevant about them except that they lie, cheat, manipulate, steal, use, betray, backstab, brainwash, triangulate, extort lives away from people, and psychologically rape people’s minds. Just don’t try to figure out anything they do because the reason behind everything they do is ALWAYS self-serving and full of chaos, manipulation, and lies. What in any of that do you want or need to understand — they are just dangerous to human life! If there really was love you would be together in a manner that there would not be so many issues and always having to explain yourself and feeling so traumatized.

For those who are in doubt of their relationship, read, absorb, and process the truth about Narcissistic behaviors – in other words get a strong education so you can align with the truth of this personality disorder. Keep in mind that toxic people can be mothers, fathers, siblings, coworkers, clergy and religious leaders, politicians, co-workers, bosses, health professionals, romantic partners or anybody in your world. These people, for whatever reason, feel no remorse or empathy, and display no conscience in their interactions with other human beings. They use, abuse, and discard their source targets for a variety of reasons, be it sex, money, status, or a sense of power but again they do what they do because they are self-serving OR they are after something that you have and they will do whatever to get it and then destroy your integrity after they have gotten what they came for. They are what they are and will remain that way – only their tactics change and evolve as each new target is acquired. There is no reason to maintain any type of “relationship” with another human being whose only goal in their lifetime is to target and dismantle other human beings for their own selfish purposes – none. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

FACT: A Narcissist never really moves on in a normal or healthy way – they just move OVER to another viable source of supply that they were able to CHARM (manipulate) into their world just like they did to us. It is ALL the constantly changing mechanics of their abuse agenda, and there is nothing more to it than a new VICTIM and a new opportunity for supply because we served our purpose and there is nothing left for THEM.

FACT: A Narcissist never really moves on in a normal or healthy way – they just move OVER to another viable source of supply that they were able to CHARM (manipulate) into their world just like they did to us. It is ALL the constantly changing mechanics of their abuse agenda, and there is nothing more to it than a new VICTIM and a new opportunity for supply because we served our purpose and there is nothing left for THEM. They will portray this ‘so called’ new relationship as AMAZING, but that is just their delusional ‘public relations campaign’ to protect themselves AND discredit us by making themselves look like the normal one JUST in case we speak up with the truth. Don’t forget they also want to rub this new scam in our faces to kick us more while we are down!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

No matter what, we MUST understand that what we are feeling are those emotions we were conned into believing that THIS was the real thing and somehow we failed because of something we did or didn’t do to make it right. NO – none of this was real and only a repeat agenda of this Narcissist that they will consistently repeat over and over again with MANY other targets. It had NOTHING to do with us personally or who we are or aren’t. Every day tell yourself this truth, even if you must crawl to get there! All of this is the poison that they poured into our hearts and minds to blame us so they could easily make their exit while wounding us on the way out or in essence silencing us. The rest of the ‘discard devaluation’ will follow as they proclaim their new relationship, new love, amazing love, etc. – all showboating so THEY SEEM like the normal one to protect their image from the truth that we might expose about THEM – or discrediting us upfront!

So to start, one of the most important issues when trying to recover from Narcissistic abuse is our tendency to obsess about the abuser in our life. We tend to believe that while we are left holding all the dark and delusional energy from the relationship, the abuser escaped without any repercussions and with all the goods. We imagine the Narcissist to be off walking in the sunset with his/her new love while we are sitting at home suffering depression, apathy, anger and horrific emotional pain, financial loss and psychological issues that they imposed on us. Remember they are still a Narcissist and I would rather recover from their abuse than be one of THEM!

If we really take the time to think about it, it is highly unlikely that our abuser is really having the happy life that they SAY they do. The clinical aspect of this abuse AND why the Narcissist acts out in the manner he/she does stems from a deep sense of inadequacy and low self-worth. The Narcissist is forced to get his/her feelings of well-being from external things or those (people) outside himself/herself. A Narcissist may temporarily experience the false illusion of perfection with another person because they HAVE to seek this attention/adulation out to survive, much like they once did with us, but AGAIN this is “temporary.”

If the Narcissist builds his/her self-image or good feelings about themselves based on how he/she is perceived by others, it is only a matter of time before the “love spell” is broken just like with us. Remember there are no internal mechanisms; everything is based on external images that the Narcissist sees/uses as their own reflection of perfection. You need the mix of the healthy internal mechanisms of love, empathy, compassion, as well as the harmony/co-existence WITH the external world to live in reality and to grow with another person.

Sooner or later his/her new love will have issues or complaints with the relationship because a Narcissist can’t survive with JUST ONE SOURCE OF SUPPLY. Also a Narcissist does not allow individuality and face it this always becomes an issue because we were born to support our own thoughts and actions to validate our existence and support our goals/plans, etc. in life – that is just normal and people naturally disagree on different issues. WELL a Narcissist can’t and won’t allow the slightest deviation from their projected image of perfection so EVERYONE will be devalued and discarded just because we have our own mind and personality – so there is never growth that allows another person individuality or to be a part of a real relationship.

There is never a ‘new healthy relationship’ with a Narcissist so don’t obsess about this and remember that things are not always as they appear especially with this Narcissist that has lied to you/us every moment that they were breathing. We are not the exception to the rule that drove this person to abuse us NOR did they suddenly change overnight and become healthy with a new ‘love’. Think about the unconditional love and support that you gave to this person (the Narcissist,) and who would reject/destroy this love but a highly disordered person. This was all a huge con job starting from the very first day we met them.

What you see or imagine is likely a fantasy that you have created in your own mind that the Narcissist has reinforced with more lies and illusions to keep you under their control and make you out to be obsessed. It heightens their image of themselves to manipulate you even more after the fact so they can prove to the world that they are just that amazing and you (we) are obsessed, scorned or can’t move on without them. Guess what – we can and I have and this place I am at is wonderful and how it is meant to be.

Changing this fantasy means taking back the power and controlling your thoughts to change what you tell yourself because you now know the truth, right? When we live our lives in dysfunction there is always black and white thinking. We are either all good or all bad and guess who is controlling all of this – YUP the Narcissist. There are no shades of gray where a Narcissist is involved and we somehow lose the ability to believe in ourselves as we once did.

When the Narcissist projects all of these images that we are too blame, it is our problem, always our fault, etc. and we feel ‘shame’ as if we ARE the bad one and they in turn become the good one. We try to fix each and every one of their delusional attacks on our integrity as if we did something/anything to deserve this – just an outcome of their brain-washing. This destroys our self-worth and we feel so much worse because we have somehow lost everything that we believed was good about ourselves. We are under the illusion that our good has been taken away, conned out of us, stolen from us, kidnapped because we believed in love AND WERE DUPED. But this is far from the truth of what is happening.

You felt worthy and loveable once. So what happened? We gave the Narcissist the power to validate us because we became emotionally attached thinking we would grow as two normal people do in a relationship OR we believed in them and gave them our trust. Unfortunately when we give someone else the power to validate our worthiness, we also give them the power to invalidate us and NOW after the fact we see what the Narcissist has done with that trust we offered as well as all of the personal information we gave so freely (as normal people do) – they abused it and used it against us.

With a Narcissist nobody is ever worthy of a real relationship of ANY type or love – EVEN themselves. They pretend that they are perfect and love everything about themselves but they are a huge needy pit that only sucks the life energy out of everybody they come in contact with. Do you really want to spend your life fixing or loving that? NO – just like everyone else I can tell you stories that would have your head spinning, but you have many of your own stories that would send my head spinning too. It was a demeaning, dehumanizing, debasing and a destructive life with them so we must start responding in a manner to encapsulate all of this into what we call emotional and psychological abuse from a Narcissist and purge it out of our lives forever. No/minimal contact always. Greg

THIS is so important to understand as far as gaining our freedom and moving forward with CLARITY. We DIDN’T care for or fall in love with the abuse, we were seduced into this abusive relationship and manipulated into a role by a fraud and a highly disordered and sadistic Narcissist with an agenda!

THIS is so important to understand as far as gaining our freedom and moving forward with CLARITY. We DIDN’T care for or fall in love with the abuse, we were seduced into this abusive relationship and manipulated into a role by a fraud and a highly disordered and sadistic Narcissist with an agenda!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

So the truth or the crash course to understanding our role. The Narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche and also penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques – brainwashing us every step of the way to gain our trust so we BELIEVE in them – then they can manage us down and control us to ‘get’ supply. They are seriously like a virus that establishes itself within its victims. Their words and manipulative actions echo through our psyche and mind, slowly but surely disabling every aspect of our reality with the sole intent to control and extort us. They are like poison to us and at every level of our life.

Recovery is a process that demands that we separate ourselves from the Narcissist that is alive and living inside of us as the result of living or being with that Narcissist. The Narcissist has crippled you (us) and assigned us a role as they do to every target/victim. We HAD to develop coping mechanisms with him/her. EVERY day we were forced (controlled) to “walk on eggshells” and develop our own false self to support their every need. It is nothing even comparable to BEING a Narcissist it is just defining what we become and that is a servant or Narcissistic supply. It is a direct result of the elaborate arsenal of tools that the Narcissist uses and the result of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you (us) by the Narcissist.

Thus, great efforts are required to abandon a Narcissist and physical separation is only the first step. Next emotional and psychological separation is also required and that is the catch 22 in our recovery. It requires establishing a new reality that puts all of our old beliefs about this relationship to rest forever. We can abandon a Narcissist physically, but our psyche is slow to abandon the Narcissist. The abuse is lurking there rendering its existence at every level of our reality. It is twisting and distorting our every thought as we reach out to find closure in response to the many years we were with them. The Narcissist’s words and actions live within us as an inner, remorseless voice, lacking any compassion and empathy for our real being. The Narcissist is there in spirit long after he/she has vanished physically. This is the last bow of the Narcissist, their final curtain call, the proxy abuse that has to be purged out of us.

MY STORY or better yet a little bit of my personal reflection/introspection on my personal abuse: Now I have the clarity about this abuse as well as the Narcissist that abused me. It is like being on a merry-go-round, but one that you can’t get off of and it just goes faster and faster until you are left there alone, frozen and spinning around with no sense of anything but the senseless motion you are in. I DO NOT understand why I endured as long as I did with this Narcissist except that I WAS managed down and a captive person of emotional and psychological abuse that put me there. Was I a willing participant that wanted to be abused – NO! Was I put into a position to believe that this creature loved me – YES! Was I the recipient of subtle and demeaning brain-washing – YES! Am I normal person than loves and has empathy – YES! Did I become dependent – YES! Did I willfully accept this role to become disabled and dependent on a Narcissist – NO! Did I believe in the false love – YES! BUT again, did I connect any or all of this OR put it together when I was in the thick of this cycle of abuse – NO. I was confused, dazed and fighting for answers I didn’t have nor could I get to them because of my distorted emotions and trying to believe. It was my own justifications that blinded me from so much of the truth AND disabling.

The devaluation was relentless, and a new layer was added daily so I couldn’t even start to dig myself out from the many other layers or realize this was emotional/psychological abuse. I didn’t have time to concentrate or figure out one single layer because another layer was added until the process was insurmountable and I was just surviving each new day. I was in over my head and by myself with a distorted reality and stories that were just too incredulous and beyond belief so much so that I questioned my OWN reality and SANITY. I could only survive the best way I could, and my life was controlled by this revolving circle of inner messages that we are left with to decipher but it was too overwhelming to do alone. What did I have as my reality – a disordered and not fully functioning human being – A NARCISSIST?

Just like the analogy of that fast ride on the merry-go-round, my only salvation was to jump off at all costs and get my feet back on the ground and my bearings back again. This was not a simple process because this Narcissist made sure to set the groundwork to make those nearest and dearest to me believe that I was a bad person and derelict. This was an insurmountable situation that I had to venture into without any course of action to resolve any of it quickly. I stumbled through it and had to let go of many things that were important to my life and become a survivor. Day by day I acquired the truth as well as knowledge to move forward. I didn’t look at any of the losses at first, I realized that my survival was based on becoming healthy first and then to rebuild from there. I had to step out of the fog and take each and every day as part of my freedom that provided me clarity to heal and move on little by little until I survived this war that was waged against my life. They just don’t walk into our lives to take supply and then discard us, they have to attempt to destroy us to make themselves feel better or superior in the process and to bury the evidence to avoid exposure so that they can move onto their NEXT source and they will repeat the exact same cycle of abuse with THEM.

I did survive when I accepted that all of this was ABUSE and nothing even near what I believed was real love. That was a very difficult hurdle for me, not just emotionally but for a vast array or reasons that came into question that concerned me personally as well as understanding that what I loved was basically a monster. I have purged everything out of me and found my way back again. This Narcissist is an envious, cruel, destructive, and a sadistic little person that won’t ever love another person because their envy of life and people is so close to the surface that it naturally erupts as rage. They have no control to contain themselves because there are no rules, laws, or MORALITY to uphold within their vast void. Essentially, they have to battle with their OWN false self through their many lies, manipulation and an out-of-control lifestyle that destroys every day of their life, so that they can only create another day with a new mask that will slip off like all of the others they wore.

They will put so much time into their agenda to trap someone new and take them down to their level, but we do break free from them and their little battle rages on with life that forces them to keep running as searching for another person. They don’t ever look back on their life with fond memories, or fulfilled dreams because they don’t have a REAL life. Their own biological children become targets/victims and suffer from the fallout of their abuse and quickly become like every other person they abandon BUT they use and abuse them too if they can gain something from a connection with them. They have no past, present or future – only the destruction, loss and loneliness that they have inflicted upon others that RETURNS to them tenfold. There is no happiness or ‘new’ love in their life, just another target to abuse and a new game for them to play AND distancing their past so it doesn’t catch up with them.

You have the heart, soul and mind to grow from this destructive time you spent with them. You can love again, and you have the spirit, knowledge, and goodness from your past life to re-educate yourself and come back again. Unlike a Narcissist that is in a constant battle with life, you are resilient because you know unconditional love that heals and have empathy to grow as rational, functioning and normal human beings do! You are REAL, amazing, and resilient and CAN do this. You will never fully understand this because you have real empathy, compassion, and know love. With that in mind you only have to understand the truth that they are abusive to all life and that they have seriously damaged your life. Don’t try to keep getting into their head to understand them anymore because that will put you right back into the abuse with more confusion and you will only stay on the merry-go-round until you stop, accept the truth and create a realistic closure that you were abused by a personality disordered person that never cared and you cannot fix them – but you CAN fix you and repurpose yourself after this insidious relationship with a Narcissist. No/minimal contact to move forward! Greg

How many times have you found yourself shaking your head in complete amazement AND confusion at what the Narcissist has just said to you? How many times have you been so shocked with things they have said that are the direct opposite of what you know they have said, or maybe what YOU have said, or something that is an outright LIE? How many times have you tried to rationalize through their constant maze of chaos? How many times you seen bright red flags that gave you that sense that something is terribly wrong with this person? Let’s RESOLVE this with truth and clarity and purge it out of our hearts and heads – there is something wrong with this person.

How many times have you found yourself shaking your head in complete amazement AND confusion at what the Narcissist has just said to you? How many times have you been so shocked with things they have said that are the direct opposite of what you know they have said, or maybe what YOU have said, or something that is an outright LIE? How many times have you tried to rationalize through their constant maze of chaos? How many times you seen bright red flags that gave you that sense that something is terribly wrong with this person? Let’s RESOLVE this with truth and clarity and purge it out of our hearts and heads – there is something wrong with this person.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

In a normal relationship there is understanding and compromise and NEVER constant confusion and chaos over everything and anything that comes out of the other person’s mouth. However, with abusive and high-conflict individuals (Narcissists) there is no truth, reality, compromise or understanding which equates to absolutely NO EMPATHY, care, or truth on their part as long as it serves them. With a Narcissist there is merely a pattern of distortion and manipulation of facts/reality with a delusionary design or spin. What that interprets into for their target/victim is emotional and psychological terrorism and abuse. THIS WAS NEVER about you or anything YOU did – this is about the pathological person/Narcissist standing in front of you. They are like poison to all people!

Remember – this is all tactical on their part so they KNOW what they are doing! The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication and the truth to divert reality and cause chaos, so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is at the moment and it is everchanging! They live by NO standards but have many interchangeable ones that they make up as they go based on a particular agenda. Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask, so beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live and we SUPPORT.

How does a simple question. a simple comment or ANYTHING turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are and they HAVE to protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade.

This is all done in a manner to control the target/victim and keep them in a constant state of complete ambiguity and REALITY QUESTIONING, “is it me or is it them”. The target/victim is always questioning reality – where there is NO reality as it concerns a Narcissist. It is all part of the Narcissist’s agenda and a well thought out plan for them to keep their target/victim controlled by confusing, diverting/deranging reality, dehumanizing and basically psychologically manipulating the target/victim to keep them in a constant state of despair. This is us dancing with the Narcissist – and they provide the music as well as the dance steps and the choreography. Again the most important aspect in all of this is the manner in which the Narcissist controls a target/victim starting this whole process with positive manipulation or “love bombing” to first gain our trust to destroy it and us later – after they have extorted everything they could from us.

Ambiguity, lies, and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing reality, but the Narcissist also does this with an agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives, then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity!

Many ask hat was it that made us so very vulnerable to their abuse? HERE IS THE ANSWER; it was that shrewd con job and pathological lies that they created for each of us personally that I outlined above. It doesn’t require a classification of person you are or anything else to justify the abuse – THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE so don’t blame yourself – grow with boundaries so it never happens again. It is while you are feeling these things like being weak, fragile and confused that you will call upon an inner strength you never knew you had AND you will recover from this insidious abuse. Just NEVER allow the Narcissist or your abuser to return because they will only twist the knife in your back as often as you allow them to – mine did and it was more hideous each time I allowed it. BUT then the anger and repulsion I felt from realizing the truth enabled me to discard and abandon the monster that played with my life FOREVER. NO CONTACT = YOUR FREEDOM! Greg

WHO and WHAT was this person we connected with? The unfortunate and horrendous truth – this was not a soulmate, this was a soulless-mate.

WHO and WHAT was this person we connected with? The unfortunate and horrendous truth – this was not a soulmate, this was a soulless-mate.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists are acutely aware of their surroundings and they know emotions, or what YOU are feeling even if they can’t feel it themselves. They have observed people’s reactions to every specific emotion and know how to imitate it to get a desired response, even if they do not experience that emotion themselves. Just look back and understand how they were so amazingly adept at making you believe that they loved you and wanted you to be their life partner or whatever it took to con you into their abusive grip. Everybody that is reading this can’t deny that they believed in this Narcissist at one time and what they were feeling WAS love. Nor can we deny that we learned the real truth that they are very disordered and abused us

Narcissists get us to feel love for them without reciprocating a loving response in return. It seems like they are loving us back, but they are only reflecting our very emotions right back onto us and into us and this is as deep as it goes. They exploit people’s emotions, manipulate their feelings, pretend they are feeling creatures when they aren’t. They make you dance with them, but the Narcissist is ALWAYS leading their partner in the dance and the music you are dancing to are their lies and deceit. The Narcissist becomes intimately familiar with all of your loving and emotional spots and knows the correct buttons to push to gain your trust and admiration.

Seriously this is all the depth there is to them and this is all we really have to understand about them. The very unfortunate thing is that their charm façade triggered something in us that got us attached to them at the hip emotionally and with most that was love! They conquered us with this single word (and imitating all of the required actions to support it) so we are right there with them and believing they are real. Because we have normal and real emotions we believed only what we knew and thought was real so we supported every aspect of this love. They don’t have emotions to support it back with us and this is what fails them AND us in a horrendous way. They want what they want, they play the game, but it is short lived because they lack the necessary mechanics to give back. They get bored easily because they feel no human emotions or feelings to connect to us, but they are in it as long as they can fulfill their every need and they exhaust everything we have and then they continue on to the next target/victim. They are protecting themselves from exposure, so combine those two elements (their needs and their extreme manipulation to fulfill them) and this Narcissist becomes a raging lunatic if you should out them. They keep up the charade, rages and all, but they throw us a little bone to snare us back once again and then manage us down to make us feel worthless and thus disabling more and more of our reality. Remember if their true inner self was transparent to the world they would be rejected, writher away and die – that is why they abuse us in private. They can’t keep up the charade because there is nothing in them that allows them to bond so their spell over us lasts only as long as it takes us to discover the truth.

Hindsight unfortunately is 20/20 as they say, so you have to experience their deception and abuse to understand exactly what I just said. It is definitely not something anyone should experience because the destruction reaches the very core of your heart, soul and mind.

This is why letting go can be so hard for the target/victim because there are REAL emotions from REAL love that is strongly attached or mixed in with the psychological abuse and it confounds the recovery process just as it did throughout the entire distorted relationship. It becomes very confusing because even though it was all based on lies and a huge façade somehow you still love them and STILL want to sort through all of the deception to make it right with YOUR concept of real love – it was ingrained on your heart and mind. You believed in them and now the task at hand is to ‘un-believe’ them.

Being on the receiving end of Narcissistic love can, will, and does make us feel like we need to try harder because of the extreme manipulation or conditioning that they use to keep us hanging on and we spent vast amounts of time and energy trying to fix this relationship – that really is all that defines this relationship – trying more and more but never getting anywhere. We were given a vision in the beginning that this was real love and we became emotionally bonded to this vision BECAUSE that was part of the big game. Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try, we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person (our Narcissist.) BUT we believe that somehow, it is up to us to fix the relationship because that is what the Narcissist uses as control and power over us to keep believing and hanging on while they extort our entire life away from us. This Narcissist lacks any and all emotions, empathy, and love for anything other than itself. So, what is left for us to interpret? Superficial connections which are not functional by any means but meant to make us believe that there is something real for us there. A Narcissist can’t connect to themselves yet alone to anyone else so everything they do is superficial as it concerns a real relationship with people. They are amazingly adept at this game because it is part of their survival.

We constantly struggle with the vision of that love in the back of our mind (the one that we were CONNED into believing was real) to make the relationship work and make our Narcissist happy by working harder at the relationship. We are even asked (more like demanded by threats) to do things differently or do what this Narcissist wants but it only would lead to more demands and making us sink deeper and deeper into this distorted love. We are even offered an ‘olive branch’ and an “I love you so much,” to achieve a cohesive peace but again it is not real at all and the Narcissist cashes in on the lies once again! But despite our intuition or the deep-rooted sense that something is totally wrong this relationship it still feels familiar to love because that is what we hold onto to alleviate the struggles and pain. We begin to feel increasingly unhappy because we are never getting our needs met as well as totally confused and lost. The struggle to get this person to love and accept you is not working so you employ all kinds of tactics to try harder but to no avail. It is the vicious cycle of this abuse or the trap that keeps us running in circles until it ends, and that end is always devastating and destructive because of the psychological damage that the Narcissist inflicted that kept this toxic relationship going. The Narcissist just closes the door and moves on to the next victim, but that doesn’t spell happiness, that defines an abusive predator! In the beginning we believed we found our soulmate, but in the end we realized that we found a soulless-mate. What a horrendous journey we traveled to get to this truth! Now that journey must end, and we must go back to find ourselves again or recovery from this sadistic nightmare. It must end completely to do this with no/minimum contact. Greg

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