MORE about understanding how a Narcissist keeps up locked up in a state of confusion, fear, silence, and isolation. Walking on eggshells – where a person feels coerced into silence to avoid the conflict from an abusive person – NOBODY SHOULD EVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS TYPE OF TOXICITY AND ABUSE with anyone, no matter if it is a parent, relative, friend, co-worker, spouse, partner, or professional! Knowledge is power, and education is the key to that knowledge concerning this abuse.

MORE about understanding how a Narcissist keeps up locked up in a state of confusion, fear, silence, and isolation. Walking on eggshells – where a person feels coerced into silence to avoid the conflict from an abusive person – NOBODY SHOULD EVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS TYPE OF TOXICITY AND ABUSE with anyone, no matter if it is a parent, relative, friend, co-worker, spouse, partner, or professional! Knowledge is power, and education is the key to that knowledge concerning this abuse. Understanding the different components of this abuse will help you find your way to closure knowing that it WASN’T you, AND most definitely it wasn’t YOUR fault.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

The most insidious aspect of living with an angry or abusive partner is not JUST the obvious nervous reactions to the shouting, name-calling, criticism or other demeaning behavior. It is the adaptations you make to try to prevent those painful episodes that become the standard of life you come to accept. You ‘walk on eggshells’ to keep the peace or a semblance of connection. You become especially vulnerable to the negative effects of this ‘walking on eggshells’ due to the greater vulnerability to the attacks over time. Many targets/victims engage in constant self-editing and self-criticism to keep from pushing the abuser’s buttons. Psychologically and emotionally abused targets/victims will second guess themselves so much so that they feel as though they have lost themselves in a deep dark hole. You will tend to isolate yourself more and more, losing yourself in work, hobbies or anything. In my personal situation, I built things, added a room to my house, built decks, pergolas, learned to carve, etc. Luckily these things were wonderful additions to my life, but nonetheless they were my diversion from this raging Narcissist and what kept me sane!

See if any of these descriptions fit you:

• You frequently wonder if you are a good enough sibling, spouse, employee, friend, child or loving partner. You feel looked down upon and believe you have something wrong with you.
• You can’t understand why you aren’t happier when it seems you have so many good things going on in your life. It feels like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, BUT FROM WHAT?
• You are constantly second-guessing yourself or everything you do. It is seriously difficult for you to make easy decisions or move forward with many normal things in life.
• You constantly question yourself believing you may be too sensitive, overreacting to things, an angry person, distorted in your thoughts and actions, or even believing you have some sort of issues that you need professional help with.
• You often feel confused, fearful, forgetful, numb, or displaced in life and you start to isolate yourself from the world.
• You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never put your finger on it or able to express what it is to yourself.
• You start lying to avoid always having to explain yourself, or to avoid the put-downs and reality twists from your partner, friend, or family member. You don’t feel solid in the world, instead you feel very much displaced.
• You are always apologizing for your actions because you have come to believe that you are wrong and just not normal like everyone else.
• You buy things like clothing, furnishings, or other personal purchases with your partner (Narcissist) in mind, thinking about what THEY would like instead of what you would want. You have lost your own internalized love for yourself and you stop caring for yourself and ignore your own personal needs. Instead of fixing yourself you put your energy into your abuser so they will recognize your worth again.
• You frequently make excuses for your significant other to friends or family as if you feel a need to explain or justify something or other about them to protect your secret.
• You also find yourself withholding information about what you are going through from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses. You want everyone to believe life is good and everything is perfect when you are holding on by a thread.
• You think twice before bringing up certain seemingly innocent and normal topics of conversation with your abuser or always walking on eggshells to avoid more damaging punishment. This has become your new normal or just existing without being the individual you use to be.
• Before your partner comes home, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day. Everything has to maintain a level of peace designed to survive in this relationship, but you are not any part of it in a normal and functioning way.
• You have the sense that you used to be a very different person that was more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed. Now you are a shell of that person and feel that you are damaged instead.
• You avoid speaking directly to your significant other sibling, friend, spouse, etc., for fear of retribution just for expressing words or having a thought worth hearing.
• You feel as though you can’t do anything right at all so you basically become subservient.
• Other people try to protect you from your significant other or warn you about situations they are aware of but you somehow justify it and avoid the truth. You feel the need to protect them and instead imprison yourself because you feel so damaged and nobody could ever want you, so you hang on for dear life.
• You find yourself feeling anxious, and short tempered with people you’ve always gotten along with before. You basically avoid many people and isolate yourself within these thoughts as it concerns the outside world.
• You feel hopelessness and lack the exuberance you once had for life, or just feel you are going through the motions of life and feeling numb and anxious. You are no longer a real and functioning person, instead you are a product of dehumanization through the devaluation you have endured, but you are unaware that this blame was intentionally administered onto you to disable you in this manner.

NOBODY should ever have to feel diminished like this or fearful to just be themselves in the presence of ANY other person. Unfortunately a Narcissist will slowly but surely brainwash us into this feeling of fear and worthlessness.

An emotionally abusive partner (Narcissist) controls their target by manipulating them with fear or harm, isolation, and deprivation. He/she (the Narcissist) threatens or implies that he/she might do something drastic like leave you or separate you from the things you love (like family, children or your home) and they will do this. An emotionally abusive person controls their partner by manipulating with strong messages of failure or worthlessness across every spectrum of your life and even smear your good integrity to gain support from other people.

A typical defense against the shame and pain that is inflicted from a Narcissist is to attempt to avoid causing anything to upset them or basically accepting their behavior as being OK for the greater good of fixing the relationship which is basically denying the truth that their behavior is horrendous and even sadistic. We can never forget cruel humiliation or sadistic and destructive behaviors from a loved one. That is the very reason we tend to make the same mistakes over and over again hoping that things will change if we change or stay silent, but ‘things’ don’t change, and we end up changing and enabling more abuse and losing ourselves completely.

In many ways, emotional abuse can be more psychologically harmful than physical abuse. There are a couple of reasons for this. Even in the most violent families, the incidents tend to follow a particular cycle. Early in the physical abuse cycle, a violent outburst is followed by a honeymoon period of remorse, attention, affection, and generosity, but not genuine compassion. Emotional abuse, on the other hand, tends to happen every day. The effects are more harmful and disabling because they are so frequent or on a consistent basis. The other factor that makes emotional abuse so devastating is the greater likelihood that targets/victims will blame themselves. If someone hits you, it’s easier to see that he or she is the problem, but if the abuse is subtle like saying or implying that you’re ugly, a bad parent, stupid, incompetent, not worth attention, or that no one could love you, then you are more likely to think you ARE the problem. Emotional abuse seems more personal than physical abuse, more about you as a person, more about your spirit, belief systems, worthiness, etc., AND most importantly It makes love hurt. Both abuses are wrong and equally destructive to a person or better yet any and all forms of abuse are dehumanizing – nobody deserves to be abused and there is no reason that can justify abuse!

To truly move forward to recovery, you can’t make your abuser (the Narcissist) the focal point of your life AND your recovery. They are what they are, and you have had personal experience which more than defines their character and agenda! You have to make YOU the focal point of YOUR life. This time of grieving, healing, and regrouping with you is an opportunity to get real about the relationship that has just ended, and you have to look at you and your relationship with open eyes and the reality that it was abuse. So many times, I have heard targets, victims, and survivors say that they want to be able to get past it all, to move on, and they want it all to just be over with so they can live again. The wanting is only part of the battle, a very important part, but the rest of it takes longer and demands introspection, education, support and the need to accept that this Narcissist was AND always is a potential danger if you let them be any part of your thoughts OR life. There is no magical kiss from the prince/princess Narcissist that will awaken you from this this doom, because they are the one that gave you the apple that poisoned you in the first place! Your own care, love, and self-compassion will awaken you and return you back to a fulfilling and real life! Please start with no/minimal contact to get clarity back into your life so you can move forward with education, support, healing and rejoin life where you belong! Greg

Narcissists are shameless self-promoters AND experts at carving out the perfect (false) image for themselves so that they can fit into ANY scenario to get at what they want. They use our precious emotions to manipulate us into their world and then take everything they can!

Narcissists are shameless self-promoters AND experts at carving out the perfect (false) image for themselves so that they can fit into ANY scenario to get at what they want. They use our precious emotions to manipulate us into their world and then take everything they can!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

They just fake it whenever possible or cheat their way through life and that includes faking love, relationships OR anything and everything to get at what they want. Many, if not all Narcissists get away with psychological terrorism and they murder their targets self-esteem, mind and soul. Be it bullying, slander, backstabbing, triangulation, or ANY of the tools in their arsenal of abuse. The things that they do should be prosecutable offenses but they do this all of their lives and get away with it. So just how do they do it all without any consequences AND why do people believe them? WELL, first off because the Narcissist KNOWS that they are creating outrageous and dehumanizing acts against people and humanity, so they also think up ways to avoid the consequences, especially because of what they fear the most or EXPOSURE! They create an impenetrable fortress with other forms of lies, manipulation and an army of minions that will sing their praises. Supply is many things even their little soldiers that protect them. THAT and they will completely destroy the integrity of any person that catches on to them.

So what goes on in the omnipotent Narcissists distorted version of life? There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment, truth or reality as it concerns any other human being on this planet – people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use abuse and discard at will. Normal people respect all life but a Narcissist doesn’t see life as worthy of THEIR respect, nor do they follow any rules, regulations, or obey any laws. So, by treating others as unworthy (and blaming them) the Narcissist is acting as if they are beneath ANY reprieve for their actions, and we are totally insignificant, very disposable and infinitely less important than the all-important Narcissist. A Narcissist has no more regard for us than a person that steps on and squashes a poor bug that is minding its own bug business on the ground. Basically and unequivocally we are nothing and the Narcissist is everything in their world and they protect their standing at all costs even if it means total destruction of an individual that threatens their accountability! You must always remember that the Narcissist has many other relationships going on as well so there is always a source of supply on the side to replace you as a friend, partner, etc. No one relationship is as real as it seems (or seemed) or has any of the significance we placed on it – especially as it concerned caring or loving them and the Narcissist caring or loving us back! People are extensions of the Narcissist or the working mechanisms that keep the ‘Narcissist machine’ running and there are always spares when any single part of it breaks down.

The Narcissist is really re-enacting or projecting the distorted and hateful images that live inside of them ONTO US because they constantly come to the surface in their world as envy and they HAVE to dump them on to everybody. The Narcissist is the eternal victim in this world and they blame the world for everything so they can live their out-of-control and perverse lifestyle AND justify it. They pathologically compensate for whatever got them to their dark place and make everybody pay for it. They are so demeaning with their value judgments that live on the surface of that thin skin they wear to hide the dark soul inside of them. Once they have lured you in with the CHARM trap watch out because the HARM is sure to follow. Perhaps this is how the Narcissist so easily edits the real and shameful image of him/herself. They can fortify it by reflecting (projecting) it back onto the world with that contemptuous eye they have for everybody they meet. To me it doesn’t matter what got that Narcissist to where they are, because they are abusers plain and simple and destroy lives. It is not my or anyone else’s responsibility after being psychologically kicked in the head (and purposely) to the point of severe damage to use any justification that abuse was OK. We have all been bullied in life and dealt with hurt but we cognitively grew up to respect people and life and not take it out on people – the Narcissist doesn’t respect ANY life, nor do they want to change, nor do they care.

So what a Narcissist puts into motion is pathologically treating us like dirt and maligning us behind our backs to control and destroy us. They are predators that are pre-loaded with delusion, psychopathy, and abuse – they just put a mask on to hide it all. This seriously puts Narcissists in their own special class with Psychopaths or like a branch from the same Psychopath tree. The class of people who don’t wish you, me, or any other human being any sense of well-being, no matter what or how friendly, caring or loving their façade or mask is. This is the same class of predators as physical, sexual or ANY other kind of abusive predator and Narcissists are just as dangerous. Seriously we MUST internalize Narcissists really are predators and dangerous, but many people just don’t appreciate the true meaning or the reality of Narcissistic abuse basically letting it in one ear and out the other as the saying goes!

Some simple logic! A Narcissist isn’t acting on any normal human premise. All the Narcissist is doing is playing (manipulating) you for the reaction he/she wants to control and abuse you. The truth is irrelevant to a Narcissist because they don’t even know what ‘truth’ is. Truth or lies, it’s all irrelevant to the Narcissist, so whatever works for them and that is usually lies – they are ONE BIG LIE. They are with us for ONE reason only ‘objectification” and we are there to serve them as Narcissistic supply and that is it. Why do they create the huge production with the entire love bombing – to gain our trust first so they can gain access to our head, heart and life and get at that precious supply they need so badly? It is ONLY a working relationship as far as they are concerned and NOT one that has any benefits for us. We are none the wiser, PLUS they gain access to our trusting nature and then attack us by preying on our emotional vulnerabilities to drive the psychological abuse to a point that can and will disable us. But don’t forget they were so good at that CHARM and we were singing their praises at first while they were destroying our integrity behind our backs – they were that good at their game. So when you start telling the truth more than likely you will hear, “I thought you were in love with him/her the way you were talking how great he/she was”.

So to support this let’s just say it would be more correct to say that there is no such thing as truth to a Narcissist, because there is no such thing as truth when you are playing pretend with the whole world and everybody in it. They routinely fool and manipulate family, mental healthcare professionals, teachers, law enforcement, judges, social workers OR you name it and they can fool them. Really builds up a strong case that these critters are everywhere in our world! It isn’t a matter of their intelligence by any means it is a matter of practice and experience – and they have a lifetime of this experience because it is really their survival. You CAN’T always trust an institution or organization to filter out the personality disordered Narcissists either because they are just that good at getting behind a job that makes them seem to be goodness personified and they will use this guise to abuse also. The Narcissist I knew has been closely associated with these ‘social work’ organizations for a lifetime and that is very discerning to know.

So to put it all in a nutshell Narcissists are expert con artists – here are some red flags to look out for. They put on a conspicuous display of goodness and kindness but in reality there is NOTHING to back it up. They damage the images of many people. They have a consistent history of past upheavals. They seem to be disliked or hated for mysterious reasons by people close to them. They exhibit unnatural and perplexing behavior or backward reactions to things. They are control freaks, trampling on other people’s privacy and personal boundaries. They are extremely self-absorbed. They have a hostile reaction to attention and credit given others. They rage very easily. They are very private and dismissive about the particulars of ANY situation especially as it concerns them personally.

So if you get to know a Narcissist’s history, you will usually see a track record of destruction followed by mysterious upheavals in their life – but the Narcissist will lie and blame every other person, and citing every possible excuse they can. Narcissists really keep their past separated from the present and the future. Never be silent about this abuse because too many people have been harmed by these creatures – even their own biological children and family. If they are forced out of the darkness, and made accountable for their actions, they would be forced to stop their abuse or run like the cowards they really are and maybe live with other Narcissists in a world so full of chaos and crazy-making that they would no longer need us to support their delusional world. That was just a bad attempt at some humor because a Narcissist could not live in a world where other Narcissists were controlling THEM and using THEM for supply because without it they couldn’t survive. No/minimal contact! Greg

We have to get real with our abuser and this abuse AND with ALL toxic people. What this means is that we have to see them for what they are and what they do to good and loving people and discard them from our heart, our mind, our lives and our world. We do this through knowledge, education, and support for the clarity we need to move forward with positive solutions.

We have to get real with our abuser and this abuse AND with ALL toxic people. What this means is that we have to see them for what they are and what they do to good and loving people and discard them from our heart, our mind, our lives and our world. We do this through knowledge, education, and support for the clarity we need to move forward with positive solutions.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From charm to Harm and Everything Else in between with a Narcissist

They are so very destructive and full of CONFLICT, jealousy, rage, insecurity, and hatred. A Narcissist has no real identity they are a HUGE void and what we see and believe is only an illusion built on their ability to CHARM, manipulate, and control other people to serve an agenda – THEIR agenda. In reality this illusion is built upon a parasitic relationship with you and me – in other words, they NEED us to be viable or real and they can ONLY do this by controlling us. Without us their illusion or façade is shattered and they become worthless and powerless so they are always creating some sort of FAKE persona to be able to secure supply. This is a hard concept to actualize because they seem so ‘real’ to us (at first) – BUT again the ‘real’ you relate to is the disabling control they have and have had over you that managed you down to the point of feeling worthless in their presence – it was all manipulation to get you to this place. It is very much just brain-washing and behavioral modification. You believed you cared or loved this person, but you only cared or loved an image that was meant to ALSO control you and eventually trap you into their agenda. A REAL relationship yields trust and that is what was at the heart of the Narcissist’s agenda in tricking you into this illusion of trust! I don’t like believing that people can be this evil, but I had to learn this to get back to me again by accepting the truth that monsters do exist!

While healthy relationships have room for respectful disagreement and consideration of one’s feelings, with the Narcissist, conflict, gaslighting and constant emotional invalidation become the norm or better yet part of their working facade. Gaslighting is a technique abusers use to convince you that your perception of the abuse is inaccurate. During the devaluation and discard phases, the narcissist will often invalidate and criticize your emotions, and displace any blame of his or her abuse as your fault. Frequent use of phrases such as “You provoked me,” “You’re too sensitive,” “I never said that,” or “You’re taking things too seriously” after the narcissists’ abusive outbursts are common and are used to gaslight you into thinking that the abuse is indeed your fault or that it never even took place.

Narcissist are also very skilled in a manner to dissociate any real guilt or shame that they should feel about their betrayal, dehumanization and antisocial behaviors. This dissociation is like a force field that protects the Narcissist from seeing their real identity and realizing how cruel their actions actually are. This dissociation also prevents them from experiencing any guilt. Dissociation is a difficult concept to grasp and basically clinical in nature. It means to block out a thought or emotion. In the real world we just say Narcissists DO NOT CARE and that is the basic reality with them. Watch them run off after they are exposed and start a whole new life again with new supply AND within days of ending their relationship with you. You will be blocked from their social media site or account, ostracized as being mentally insane, a liar, abusive to them, AND THEY HATE YOU. Just another HUGE wall they create to block how they abused another person!

Recovery requires a complete indulgence and openness to look inward. It is a process that requires education, introspection, spirituality, voicing your fears, connecting with other targets/survivors, and a therapist if possible. You MUST totally acknowledge the truth about this person you loved and that is that they are an abuser, psychological terrorist, and psychological rapist. The process begins when you say no to the negative messages left behind and open your ears and eyes to a new life that seeks out true goodness because it is still there where it always was. Finally you must put the Narcissist away forever because there is absolutely nothing that you need to connect with as far as it concerns them. That means any memories or any other thought about them! The wounds will turn into scars and you will come out of this with new boundaries, a new voice and your old belief system back in place but so much stronger. DON’T allow them to have a hold on your complete future! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

Remember EVERYTHING that they do or say has an agenda behind it – and that is to ALWAYS benefit their need for CONTROL and POWER over others. Getting to KNOW these Narcissists and their manipulative and destructive games! PROJECTION – how they dump their many wrongs onto/into us AND diminish something good about us at the same time. Narcissistic hocus pocus to MANAGE US DOWN!

Remember EVERYTHING that they do or say has an agenda behind it – and that is to ALWAYS benefit their need for CONTROL and POWER over others. Getting to KNOW these Narcissists and their manipulative and destructive games! PROJECTION – how they dump their many wrongs onto/into us AND diminish something good about us at the same time. Narcissistic hocus pocus to MANAGE US DOWN!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist.

Projection and smearing at the same time is a work of art for the Narcissist, and it is uncanny how they manage to accomplish it. It’s all in the way their words are carefully placed, because not only do they ditch one of their faults, they muddy up one of our virtues in the process until they eradicate some of our goodness that they envy and truly despise. They are so glib and amazingly adept at ‘killing two birds with that one stone,’ or with projection.
But understand and remember this, the Narcissist isn’t attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments.’ Consequently, when the Narcissist is conducting a smear campaign or a one-on-one character assassination against someone, the proverbial gun the Narcissist shoots never hits one of your real flaws, it is shot to just wound you enough to disable you emotionally and psychologically. Believe me they will keep shooting and wounding you in the hopes of completely crippling you as time goes by because they have to. Remember they will also find something/anything (usually an insecurity of ours) and super-embellish it in a manner to make us feel wrong or bad too. It is all about managing us down in every possible way.

Think of it in your own normal and functioning world as to why you would ever project slander and lies onto another person Well first off because you would be hiding some sort of ugly action and trying to redeem yourself, so you won’t be cast off and out of your circle of friends, family and loved ones. Lying is the use of words to project a false image to correct the real or bad image – the Narcissists whole image is based on this! Lies could also be used in a good way by over complimenting or flattering someone to win them over, perhaps even exaggerate a few things here and there, but basically lying has a deceptive agenda attached to it. With the Narcissist think of it in bigger terms or EVERYTHING that constitutes their personality or life is based on lies and hideous distortions and it is pathological in nature and all consuming. You or I could never have known this when we met them, nor could we have done anything to correct any of their dysfunction. This is their normal and they just utilize their talents to jump from one relationship to another and they are not looking back at any of the damage they have caused to anybody – they are only looking for personal gains from every relationship – and nothing else matters.

This is how they justify the HUGE denial of their disordered life AND make it work. If they are creating these amazing qualities to hide the truth, then they are obviously cognizant or aware of just how damaged they are to HAVE to hide them. They can’t hold onto that awareness of being damaged and destructive, so THIS IS WHY they are projecting an altered and amazing persona. Just part of the process to create their false world as well as dragging us into it to see this amazing BUT self-created reflection through us! This process holds them together, so the truth doesn’t make their head implode. BUT always remember there is absolutely NOTHING real about them – let me repeat this again – NOTHING IS REAL ABOUT THEM!!

They absolutely know this so when that damaged child starts surfacing after they have betrayed us, cheated, lied, stole or any number of things, they need to dump those feelings of inadequacy and guilt ASAP and usually in the form of BLAMING us. They HAVE to patch up that mask or false image to save themselves from seeing their REAL image or reflection – as well as making sure the public doesn’t see WHO they really are? So, they just dump it onto and into somebody else and that would be our role in all of this. We are the mirror or big screen and they are a self-contained fortress full of fake images to adorn themselves with as well as establish and enable some sort of reality to hide all of their damaged parts! STOP BELIEVING IN ANYTHING ABOUT THEM it is all chaos and CONTROL! No/minimal contact because Narcissists are not real by any means and damaging to all people that orbit in their chaotic world. Greg

REMEMBER – you are amazing, you KNOW love, you HAVE empathy, and you have the ability to move forward to recovery because you are stronger and even more amazing than you know – that is why you are here today!

It is Hocus Pocus for sure – or their trickery and always creating an illusion!

It is Hocus Pocus for sure – or their trickery and always creating an illusion! They ARE masters at SPIN, manipulation, and CREATIVE lying – so they can effortlessly FLIP the real truth be it in a story they tell OR in an effort to make us always seem like we are wrong, worthless, bad, argumentative, have serious issues, and even abusive. How do they do it? With well placed lies mixed in with a tiny bit of EMBELLISHED truth! PLUS remember that their whole world is built on lies and manipulation so they are EXPERTS at it. Understanding the reality about these emotional and psychological abusers. The truth is not a way of demeaning them as they have demeaned us, or ‘getting back’ at them — it is understanding the ‘reality’ of this abuse and putting a perspective on it so we CAN move forward without blaming ourselves to healing and working on OUR recovery.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

As simple as it all sounds the Narcissist’s aim is impeccable and all of us are the targets and we make their life work. Think about their attacks. Who does the Narcissist call a liar? The honest person and usually that means you and me, but who is the real liar – the Narcissist? Who does The Narcissists say is bad, dangerous and the abusive person? Well again the good person that actually cares for them and probably loves them and that is us again. They will put themselves before their own biological children and family, and that speaks so loudly about how disordered they really are! Remember though they are quite talented at what they do and they have all of this down to an art form so their talent for farce is so great that MANY people mistake the Narcissist for stoic and astute as we have all done. They are working that image for sure and hanging onto that mask for dear life. But in that definition just remember that their insecurity is so intense that they have to seek out many mirrors (people) to constantly reinforce the big facade or the big lie of what and who they are. They have no room for anything else in their lives other than keeping that façade and themselves viable and alive – but it is not plausible because they are so out of control that they always get caught up in their own game. You can only fake it for so long!

So many times we see ourselves as foolish for falling for their lies, manipulation, and façade. But let’s put some thought into this, EVERYONE falls for their façade, even their minions, or the naysayers that find our stories too incredulous to believe. So are they foolish as well for not seeing through the Narcissists façade to? A big YES. So if we are to accept foolishness then the rest of the world must join in accepting their role as also being FOOLED by the Narcissist’s grand façade! Seriously we are not fools we were conned just like everybody else!

A Narcissist has the mental capacity of a child with no sense of measure or moderation – just wants and needs AND most importantly NO EMPATHY which defines their disorder. So a Narcissist is more dangerous with their thoughts, mouth, and complete lack of empathy than an angry child throwing a tantrum because they want what they want and WHEN they want it. They will spew out some poison about someone as easily and naturally as we take a breath of air. Remember a Narcissist only loves themselves and there is NO room for anything else but seeking out people or supply to reinforce their lame façade. They have no normal human relationships because they can only relate to people as objects. As I mentioned above, a Narcissists will project off of their own children as thoughtlessly as they would anybody else that stands directly in front of them and that is just too unnatural as it concerns the human love condition, yet alone what they will do to anybody. Since a Narcissist is really a ‘mental’ little child, the only reign on their behavior is what they feel they can get away with. So, the more The Narcissist gets away with, the more repressed guilt they have to purge onto some poor target/victim.

Look at their daily lives, the Narcissist is more than likely to totally discredit someone he/she owes gratitude, because needing help damages the Narcissist’s perfect image. So, the Narcissist repays help as though it were an insult. They must devalue it by devaluing the giver of it by making them a contemptible person that is incapable of really helping someone as grand and perfect as they are. The Narcissist’s world is compromised of devaluing people, discrediting them with horrendous lies, and using them as stepping stones to get to their desired source of newer and continued supply. This is what they are and what we must internalize to move forward by completely discarding them from our hearts, mind, and life! No/Minimal contact always! Greg

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth – we never mattered to the Narcissist! As sad as this may seem the truth is what DOES set us free and able to move onto recovery with the TRUTH and clarity.

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth – we never mattered to the Narcissist! As sad as this may seem the truth is what DOES set us free and able to move onto recovery with the TRUTH and clarity.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

One of the MOST DIFFICULT concepts with this abuse is the realization that you didn’t matter in the least bit to your Narcissist! There is only one person that really matters to the Narcissist and that is himself or herself! You were only one of the many stepping stones in their life or OBJECTS to extort supply from or take whatever you had that they wanted or needed. They objectify ALL human beings and basically harvest what they can from them. You never mattered when they were with you, it was totally about THEIR needs and controlling you to be a constant source of supply. Within this concept comes the many tools in their arsenal of abuse that they used to keep you under their control so they could achieve supply (basically all of their lies that flowed so easily, their lack of accountability, the betrayal, manipulation, etc.) They are predators that seek out prey. It is so hard to conceptualize this truth in a manner to completely separate ourselves emotionally and physically from this person – BUT WE MUST!

We believed and went along with the Narcissist’s charming agenda because we really had NO sense of the reality of the basic truth that they were never there for us exclusively because they conned us into believing they were. Basically, Narcissist’s are pathological TAKERS. Our life lessons never included learning that loving another person should come along with a ‘WARNING’ that there are dark people (abusers/predators) out there looking for someone to drag into a trap by wearing love as a camouflage to gain our trust and then extort our emotions and everything that encompasses our reality to the point of destruction.

The truth is a Narcissist could easily be defined as being a thief of hearts, mind, and life. Trust me they are much more than JUST a thief but it encapsulates the truth behind their actions and agendas. They extort things from people and life just like a con artist does. They portray or pretend to be something they are not even remotely like, and then cash in on their manipulative agenda to TAKE everything they can and abuse you as well. My point is that a thief will break into your home and steal everything they can and they are off and running, and you are left with the loss and devastation of their invasion. A Narcissist would go a step further and burn your house down while you were still in it to make sure there is absolutely NO evidence that would link them to it. Everything with a Narcissists is a conscious act that is there to serve THEM! We HAVE to understand this so we can move totally away from their psychopathy and forgive ourselves for only being a normal and loving person because that is ALL we are guilty of!

Take a moment and look at yourself after your abuse and then compare that to when you started out on this hideous journey with them. If you would seriously take inventory you would see so many levels of loss, to the point that this Narcissist has basically disabled you emotionally and PSYCHOLOGICALLY and this was part of their agenda or dismantling your reality so they could CONTROL you. Write everything down in a journal and make the comparison and spell it out so that you can see it right there in front of you. Whatever you attempted to do in a positive manner because you BELIEVED in them was snatched up by the Narcissist and then they beat you down and made what you did wrong AND you only tried harder because there was no sense in their actions but somehow you believed that you did something wrong that needed fixed. This became a deceptive and debilitating dance with them, part of their plan to manage you down more and more so you felt that you HAD to keep giving and they just kept taking what they could or reaping all the benefits and never caring about the harm they were causing to you and your life. They are the disordered and defective person in this scenario and again YOU are the normal person with empathy and love and YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! These are not just jerks or users, these are destructive and disordered individuals that enjoy the chaos and harm they deliver as they extort your life away from you. That Narcissist (just like the thief) has pillaged and taken everything they could, or all you had to give and then basically abandoned you for more and different supply! They NEVER identified themselves as the abusers they are so they had to con you into believing they LOVED you to get you under their spell to do all of this! They are not powerful, they are not intelligent, they are not normal – they are sadistic!

You can’t engage in a real conversation with them that has the truth (about them OR anything) as the basis concerning their reality or accountability in any given situations. A Narcissist doesn’t have a conscience or anything even near to it, so you can’t expect to have any sense of normality surrounding ANY conversation or connection with them, yet alone the possibility you could make them understand the very truth about any of their disordered actions and lies. There is NO sense of remorse or any guilt associated with any of their actions and THERE NEVER HAS BEEN because what they do to ALL people is really the functioning mechanics of who and what they really are! So what I can say is that you can’t enter into any arena that involves TRYING to get them to be real OR accept accountability for what they are because they turn it right around, ‘lie and deny,’ ‘blame and shame,’ and then return with a horrible rage and revenge directed at YOUR integrity. This became a day to day occurrence with me just trying to exist as an individual. I couldn’t even breathe right without some sort of rage that was so out-of-control that it became scary. So a good reminder to anyone dealing with a Narcissist is that there is NO possible way that you can make them understand or accept responsibility concerning their dehumanization of people – especially when it concerns you. What you see now (with their mask off) is what you get or an abusive Narcissist.

Unfortunately, as I have said many times before, hindsight is 20/20. When you are still in the fog about all of the deceit you are at a loss because you can’t see or understand the overall picture of this abuse and just how damaging they are until AFTER they have moved on. Unfortunately, after the discard you are still under so many levels of this abuse so it is amazing that you can even see the light of day, yet alone realize what you need to do to get away from them without all of the damage they cause. But what I can say is that ‘no contact’ will save you from a great deal of grief and help you get to more clarity as it concerns your situation so you can move forward to recovery – but it requires time so that clarity comes back to you!

No contact literally saves your life and enables you to move onto clarity (and the truth) as far as it concerns your emotions AND their abusive manner that was meant to destroy you. No contact literally stops the chaos to give you the ability to think and relate to life in a normal manner or better yet start to get your normal back. No contact is not meant to be a simple phrase as if someone is telling you to “just move on,” it is a reality meant to stop the insanity or you will end up completely debilitated and destroyed. My unfortunate response to those that have to stay in contact is that any minimum contact is your only hope. If you have biological children or they are family, you HAVE to disengage from ANY emotional connection with them. In other words, you have to put up a wall that only allows you to establish parameters around important matters, and shut off anything else. Easier said than done because the Narcissist means business when it comes to getting back at you especially if they suspect that you are on to them. Mine kept up the abuse for 8 months after all was said and done and it only ended when I enforced the no contact rule and THAT is what allowed me to get to my recovery.

My next suggestion is to try your hardest to seek support from a very select group of friends and loved ones that YOU CAN ultimately trust. Unfortunately, we are ‘damned if we do or damned if we don’t’ respond to the many negative allegations that this Narcissist has waged against us and that can also be some of those closet people in our lives. The Narcissist will distort everything using familiarity (from knowing our innermost secrets) with vicious lies about you to protect themselves from exposure and instill fear into us. Once a Narcissist sees that you have caught onto them they will focus on destroying you and even creating horrendous lies that put you in a very precarious position. They will stop at nothing to prove that you are the source of the collapse of this relationship, a liar, loser, abusive, the person having affairs, etc., and basically the person who deserves all the blame. They can and will slander your good name and integrity. Along the same lines trying to explain your side of the story to people will make you seem crazy because our stories are incredulous! You will only feel invalidated and frustrated trying to tell the truth over and over again and hearing those dismissing comments to just move on because time heals all! You need tried and true friends to accomplish a secure and trusted support network and don’t worry about the rest of the naysayers that don’t believe you because they are not true friends and more than likely minions for the Narcissist. Your best bet is to find and connect with other survivors, a therapist that understands this abuse THROUGH a target/victim’s eyes, and group therapy if one exists in your area. Invest in yourself to get the help that is out there so you CAN and WILL move on and away from them forever!

When this abuse reaches the point that you have been abandoned or ‘you’ have left this Narcissist the truth will be very disabling and will tear at the very core of your spirit or being. Again, add to this that the Narcissist is well aware that you may retaliate, so he/she has been planning their departure many months prior to it happening and they have been doing that damage control by secretly devaluing you to most anyone that will listen! You are overloaded with emotions, and all of the lies that were spread about you by the Narcissist and it is too overwhelming and DEBILITATING! EVENTUALLY the truth will always come out, but you can’t force awareness of that truth until it happens and people will see the true pattern AND then it will work against the Narcissist. Liars have to have great memories to keep their lies straight and Narcissists always operate in a hit and run manner and get caught up in their distorted stories and they can never keep all of their lies straight – mine most certainly couldn’t! I wish I could say that you can speak openly with the truth as you know it and that will fix all of this immediately, BUT it doesn’t work that way. You have to concentrate on your recovery first and let the rest fall in place – YOU ARE FIRST in this equation so please remember this as you start out. Once you are healthy you can speak with the very truth of your abuse in mind where it is necessary.

Because Narcissists do not come with a label that exposes what they are and their agenda, you are more than likely just coming to terms with all of this recently. Our emotions are powerful and even though we have been abused we have to reconcile our very own emotions to fall out of love with them. This is where the educational aspect of learning about this personality disorder is imperative to moving forward. Closure comes from learning the truth through educating yourself about this disorder. With me I stumbled upon the information and the pieces seemed to fit together like a puzzle. From there I also stumbled upon different healing sites that offered viable AND valuable information that gave me the big ‘ah ha’ moment that what I experienced was actually abuse from a malignant Narcissist. I went through the paces of doubting myself and kept in contact with this Narcissist for 8 months after the fact. Mind you I didn’t initiate all of this contact. This Narcissist was luring me into post abuse, trying to set me up and into their big smear campaign, using any and every conversation to gain information and use against me. This shrewd creature was manipulating my words to meet certain criteria and an agenda that would make me out as being obsessed and scorned – I was NEITHER because I was repulsed and moving on.

Just remember what they are and that they ARE dangerous! Always take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. They are running from their reality every day of their life, so never believe that they are better off. They are abusers and they destroy people and families and they will never know real love for all of eternity. Just think back to your time with them and their unyielding deception, lies, manipulation, betrayal and extorting everything they could from your life. You were never the reason the Narcissist acted like he/she did. You were a target of their abuse and so will ANYBODY else that ever has any sort of relationship with them. You were the healthy person that knows and understands what love is. You were the person that cared, believed and tried to grow with this person in a healthy manner. So again, never look back because they will only drag you into their dark world and abuse you even more. There is absolutely nothing you could possibly do to ever change them.

Today I see the truth so clearly and write about it with the hopes to arm other targets/victims with the education and knowledge so that they don’t stumble and fall backwards as I did so many times. Please no/minimal contact to start on your journey to get away from this abuse. Greg

The Never Ending and Confusing Maze with a Narcissist! EDUCATION and KNOWLEDGE are our superpowers to overcome their tactics to control us!

The Never Ending and Confusing Maze with a Narcissist! EDUCATION and KNOWLEDGE are our superpowers to overcome their tactics to control us!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

A Narcissist clearly crosses the boundaries of defying another person’s human rights and dignity, so much so it is clearly classified as psychological abuse. They tear down a person’s psychological well-being in such an insidious manner that the target becomes completely vulnerable, unprotected and attacked like a predator chasing and tiring out its prey to immobilize it.

Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there.

Attacking your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your “buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.”.

The Narcissist can and will even go so far as always threatening “your security” with them which could include ending the relationship if you do not conform, dating other people, affairs, silencing or use other controlling terrorist/fear tactics.

They are very unpredictable with their day to day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable/normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos and gas-lighting!).

This behavior is damaging and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused and controlled waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO act so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is control to keep you constantly disabled.

They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain CONTROL over you. Be it making fun of us, belittling us, criticizing us, name calling, screaming at us, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making us the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you. They have to have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.

Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above) – somewhere you are LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.

Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!

A Narcissist doesn’t acknowledge individuality or even like other people (remember we are just objects to use.) Along with this premise the Narcissist doesn’t care about being liked – THEY DEMAND to be admired, feared, and favored, (as well as completely extorting their targets to get supply.) They don’t care about getting along with people, and a Narcissist is no more capable of considering the consequences of their actions than a rock would. There is no consideration for anybody or anything with a Narcissist and nothing is ever about whatever it REALLY is, instead it is always all about their omnipotence, superiority or ego instead or their fake façade. They HAVE to exploit EVERY single interaction with us to gratify THEIR needy ego at your ego’s expense or even DESTRUCTION. There’s no end to it. It’s exasperating and you never get through that brick wall a Narcissist throws up in front of you constantly, so always remember how much time you have tried to break down barriers to “fix” things. Everything would just bounce back to you as more blame and shame from the Narcissist. It was a relationship that was meant to deny you every bit of gratification or any “giving” from the Narcissist and instead “taking” every bit of gratification (supply) they could for their vast needy void.

This is the reality with a Malignant Narcissist be it a wife, husband, partner, brother, sister, friend, mother, father or whomever. There is and never was ANY type of a real relationship, just time lost with a disordered, destructive, and abusive person and great loss. There is no closure to this abuse because there is no real person, so we only have the sad truth to embrace to start us out on a realistic path of recovery AND yes heal and join life again. Any interaction with a Narcissist is ALWAYS damaging and destructive to people – that is why we are all here sharing to educate and help resolve these issues with all targets. Say NO to that Narcissist with NO or minimal contact and start on YOUR journey Forward! Greg

You ARE literally hanging on by a thread after being dragged through this abuse! YOU are all that is important now. We must acknowledge the truth and move on and away from this Narcissist. Let KARMA do the rest!

You ARE literally hanging on by a thread after being dragged through this abuse! YOU are all that is important now. We must acknowledge the truth and move on and away from this Narcissist. Let KARMA do the rest!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

It is very hard to accept that you must TOTALLY separate yourself from this toxic and poisonous person you have loved. You must prefix the relationship and experience with the concept that you were a target/victim of a Narcissist and abuse. Those two words were never really a part of your everyday vocabulary prior to this toxic relationship AND you have probably just realized that this may be your reality. Prior to this you believed that this was all about love and that was a very strong MESSAGE that was ingrained into your reality by this person (the Narcissist). This is what you believed and probably will for some time yet. Yes, the bad/horrendous times have brought you here today to the realization that this relationship has gone so terribly wrong – BUT the concept that you love this person still remains in the forefront even with all of the abusive behavior you have experienced because you are so confused.

That love JUST DOESN’T go away the minute you realize the REAL truth that this was abuse. It confuses you and puts you in and out of denial that this is abuse and still holds you captive AND for far too long. Along with this love you have distorted and debilitating messages from this toxic relationship that have you frozen in fear, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, extreme loss, and vulnerable. How can you come to terms and understand this and come to the reality that this person you were with is severely disordered and has harmed so much of you and your life AND move on? There will be no conventional closure to this, just a journey that will tug and pull at your heart and mind in so many debilitating ways. But you will have to take this journey with all of the stumbling, falls, setbacks and pain to recover. It is a must for you to return to a normal life because your love and life was not meant to be used/abused by this predator. NOR, should you have to pay a debt for the rest of your life and suffer with the ambient abuse that keeps you silent, in fear, and locked up in this emotional upheaval.

To start on this journey, you must examine the thoughts, actions, and deeds that also relate to this relationship experience that has gone so wrong and actualize the real truth about this relationship. This was a horrendous experience and very disabling. There is nothing that can change the past but there is something that can change the future and that is you and your ability to get past this. More than likely many feel that they can’t be without this person they LOVE, and they will never find another person who you can love as strongly AND completely. But the person you cared for, love/loved is a Narcissist that abused you – no matter what the relationship was. They have intentionally created this scenario to keep you chained to the abuse to only USE you and extort what they could from your life and make you feel like YOU are the bad person, worthless and THEIR abuser! But yet you feel confused, so disoriented, full of anxiety, depressed, betrayed and you are still trying to hold on to your relationship and make it work at any cost and stop the madness and the pain. Even with all of these truths why are you still hanging on and believing. What has you frozen and unable to move forward now that you have the knowledge of how destructive this has been to you? Unfortunately, this ‘hold’ is consuming your whole spirit and debilitating to you! If you were able to allow yourself the necessary space and clarity you would understand this so much more clearly than where you are now with all of these confusing thoughts. You must run, walk, or crawl forward to get to this clarity to break the chain of this abuse with no/minimal contact. Then with time away from this Narcissist along with some knowledge and education you will start on your path to recovery because it will provide you with the clarity to see that this was situational and THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

To start with, please understand that your feelings about this Narcissist is/was just an illusion, a mental trap that you fell into, and your heart and mind believed it is/was real! In reality the memories, dreams, and those precious things you imagine you shared with your Narcissist do not exist AT ALL – they were a mirage created personally for YOU by this con artist to get into your heart AND more importantly into your head. This Narcissist was/is stringing you along to keep their agenda alive and only using you as their PRESENT source of supply. When they are done with you they will just move on and leave you disabled and nearly destroyed as well as the fact that they have probably had many other relationships going on WHILE they were pretending to be with you. Even the family that you may have created with this Narcissist is subject to abuse and are disposable to this creature. These are horrendous and terrifying thoughts but this Narcissist doesn’t care one iota about you or anything now that they are done with you and have taken everything, even your spirit. So, ask yourself how many times you have TRIED to work this out and got nowhere so maybe now you can tell yourself it is done and time to move in another direction and away from the Narcissist and the abuse. It is the only direction you can take so that you can heal.

All of this will take you a while to wrap your head around because it is just so out of your context as a person with empathy and love. But ABUSE is/was your reality in this toxic dance that the Narcissist created to trap you into their needy and abusive world and as their supply. Their manipulation and brain-washing kept you connected by managing you down and then reeling you right back in to keep you dancing in a dizzying circle until they found better supply and then moved on. This is ALWAYS the pattern! BUT you believed in this illusion with so much depth and now you have to accept the reality that you have a major role in recovering from this and dispelling what you believed as far as them being anything real in your life. It is unfortunate that this is what you are left with, but your recovery depends upon you taking an active role in breaking this disordered connection and bond to move on and away from the insanity.

This message is so important, but you must never accept that this message says that you are WRONG, DESERVING, or a DEFECTIVE person that allowed this to happen to you because you wanted this. That is absurd and will result in you staying in this dance by yourself forever and believing that you could have done something to fix this or relate to this Narcissist’s disordered abuse to make this right! That Narcissist was never there for you EVER and will never be there for you in any capacity but to harm and abuse you more! These confusing messages are directly related to the manipulation you experienced from this Narcissist and they are the messages you NEED to turn off – both the positive and negative messages that have you chasing your tail in circles. In time reality is going to bring you a totally new picture of just how terribly disordered this Narcissist is and it will more than likely be appalling and repulsive to you. Please practice patience and self-compassion with yourself and realize that each new day is one day nearer to recovery and total freedom from them. Don’t measure your progress by the pain you feel but by the strength that you have shown to get through another day. YES, you are stronger than you know because you survived this abuse and that Narcissist ran off because they knew you were too strong for their lies and agenda!

You may be afraid to lose the love of your Narcissistic spouse, partner, friend or family member, because nobody wants to lose someone they love. This is the reason that totally connects you to that pain you are feeling. But when you realize that you never had that connection or love in the first place and actualize how this has negatively impacted your life, it will open up a huge door of reality and make it somewhat easier for you to let go of the emotional relationship you had with a Narcissist and heal yourself. It may not feel like it but the pain AND anger is part of the process of letting go by lifting yourself up and empowering yourself with the TRUTH.

The actual abuse is a different aspect of healing because it was psychological in nature and purposely imposed on you through this fake love to get you to dance with this Narcissist. It has planted so many negative messages into your mind that defines you as the source of the problem as well as worthless and defective – just part of the cycle of this abuse! Many times we still connect the two (fake emotions/love and the abuse) in a manner that makes it so difficult to actualize these two things without blaming ourselves and thinking our care/love was defective. Just remember they are abusers and the defective ones and their cycle of abusing you had nothing to do with you personally. Keep those two thoughts in perspective and separated so that the love doesn’t distort the real truth again and pull you back in. They are abusers and this was ABUSE! No/minimal contact to get you back to the amazing person you are! Greg

Narcissists feel omnipotent or above all of the rules and laws in life and they will do everything to squash anybody that disagrees with them. A Narcissist oppress all people, and is completely inaccessible to dialogue – he/she will accuse anyone who disagrees with them of being completely wrong, problematic, trouble, or even having issues to protect that façade – there is no truth in their world and that world of their is completely interchangeable to meet THEIR needs.

Narcissists feel omnipotent or above all of the rules and laws in life and they will do everything to squash anybody that disagrees with them. A Narcissist oppress all people, and is completely inaccessible to dialogue – he/she will accuse anyone who disagrees with them of being completely wrong, problematic, trouble, or even having issues to protect that façade – there is no truth in their world and that world of their is completely interchangeable to meet THEIR needs..

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

A Narcissist will employ cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse and shrewd manipulative linguistic or language patterns to CONTROL people around them and force them to question their own sanity. Narcissists will also smear their target/victim’s good nature/name behind their back destroying their integrity to others (friends, family, co-workers) so they will also start questioning the sanity of the target/victim. It is like a game of “power and control” through the use of these various methods so that the Narcissist’s is always in charge of their environment and controlling every aspect of it with lies, false appearances, coning people, etc. Narcissists have everybody around them fooled by their charm that hides their true pathological self – they even fooled their target/victim with their “love bombing” and extreme charm.

When communicating, discussing, debating, or arguing with a Narcissist, a target/victim usually finds themselves at a COMPLETE dead-end. The target/victim’s logic always becomes incompatible with that of the Narcissist and they always get outwitted and then steered in the opposite direction from the original topic, especially if it is around questioning them (the Narcissist) or accountability as it concerns the Narcissist. Basically, communicating with them is like walking through a “House of Mirrors” at a carnival. Every thought you express is distorted in so many different ways that you don’t even recognize the original thought and it causes complete confusion– just like your image in the many mirrors that are created to distort your image and make you lose track of your original starting point and destination.

Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid. They are concerned that we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or perfect – basically they want us to believe THEIR lies. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history with lies ad that is what is behind that mask. So beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too. It is control and it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live and we SUPPORT.

How does a simple question concerning accountability turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are and they HAVE to protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade.

This is all done in a manner to control the target/victim and keep them in a constant state of complete REALITY QUESTIONING, “is it me or is it them”. The target/victim is always questioning reality – where there is NO reality as it concerns a Narcissist. It is all part of the Narcissist’s agenda and a well thought out plan for them to keep their target/victim controlled by confusing, diverting/deranging reality, dehumanizing and basically psychologically manipulating the target/victim to keep them in a constant state of despair. This is us dancing with the Narcissist – and they provide the music as well as the dance steps and the choreography. Again the most important aspect in all of this is the manner in which the Narcissist controls a target/victim starting this whole process with positive manipulation or “love bombing” to first gain our trust to destroy it and us later – after they have extorted everything they could from us – or basically use us up. No/minimal contact to completely end this connection with them. Greg

Narcissists are insecure, envious, and malicious so much so that they are ALWAYS on the defensive with their MANY facades because they have to look normal enough to fit into OUR world. They MUST control their environment especially IN PUBLIC because they KNOW what they are and they MUST protect themselves from being exposed as the abuser they are!

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Narcissists are insecure, envious, and malicious so much so that they are ALWAYS on the defensive with their MANY facades because they have to look normal enough to fit into OUR world. They MUST control their environment especially IN PUBLIC because they KNOW what they are and they MUST protect themselves from being exposed as the abuser they are!.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

They are ALWAYS ahead of the game! A Narcissist has been betraying you all along with backstabbing and triangulation to constantly be in control. They do this for various reasons but basically to divide and conquer as well as to destroy the victims they abuse by discrediting them FIRST.

So the TRUTH and the real lesson about a Narcissist: Again the Narcissist creates the grand illusion of a “special bond” or “love” for those whom he finds most useful at any given moment. This interprets as those who enhance his/her reputation, or help him/her lure or procure other sexual partners, or offer him/her money, property, status, etc. For those unlucky individuals that the Narcissists fosters a relationship with it is really to isolate and target us for the time being to drain us of whatever it is that Narcissist is after, and they hoard over (isolate) us until they have gotten all they can get. Everyone who sees through the Narcissist’s mask of insanity or exposes his/her lies becomes an “enemy” in the Narcissist’s eyes, and therefore a target of his/her hatred and will be devalued and destroyed!

Their life boils down to an accumulation of targets/victims, sexual partners, and whatever property gains they manage to extort. As many spouses know Narcissists will have children with them as well, and sometimes children to other spouses or partners. It is sort of like a collection of human beings for the Narcissist or better yet objects that have no emotional depth or the chance of a worthwhile life with this Narcissist acting like a real parent. Malignant Narcissist are so heartless and callous that they reject their own children, once they devalue and discard the target/victim spouse. BUT they will portray themselves as the BETTER spouse that is a complete care giver to these children, often taking credit for things the abused spouse has done in reality.

So the truth here is that their abuse is absolute and fundamental to the Narcissist’s survival in the real world. The Narcissist can’t change and, most importantly, they DON’T want to change. They inhabit a fantasy world which becomes reality for them and those they manage to brainwash. There is no reality or truth for any person that resides in their world. It is a train wreck waiting to happen and there are always many victims. In their world the truth and falsehood only holds a weak instrumental meaning as they apply it to any situation and there is absolutely no morality contained in any of their thoughts or actions.

We must imprint this message in our minds that at the core of the Narcissist’s psychopathy is a mindset governed by their grandiosity, lack of empathy for others, and a grand sense of entitlement and superiority that places them above laws and morality. The Narcissist grossly overestimates their abilities and accomplishments and underestimates the complete being of their target/victim. Simply put, the Narcissist should be able to do anything they wish, however harmful and destructive, because the Narcissist is better than others. In the Narcissist’s mind, by making us a part of their wonderful life by mere association with them, he/she passes on to us this grandiosity as if they are royalty and that is our reward. It is ridiculous and repulsive that they can believe this nonsense and more akin to pompousness and arrogance. There is only one way with a Narcissist – their way and we must reject that and get as far away from them as we can or be pulled down deeper and deeper into their psychopathy to the point that it can drive us to the point of disparity or insanity. No/minimal contact to BREAK the cycle of their abuse always. Knowledge and education about this abuse is imperative to starting on your road to recovery! Greg

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