They are magicians that use ‘smoke and mirrors’ to get you to BELIEVE in their magic – but in the end you realize it was ALL hocus-pocus!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
Narcissists are very cunning creatures and it is virtually impossible for a ‘normal’ person to wrap their head around this because Narcissists can and do act as if they are perfectly normal, and SANE! Then the question arises as to how they can keep up the many charades with different people as well as how they are able to lie so easily, hurt people, and not have any remorse?
So how do they do this? They compartmentalize situations, people, and events completely and keep them separate. Narcissist are very private about their world because it is filled with so many secrets and lies! Secrets and lies that consist of information that is potentially negative and destructive to their lives AND with us if the truth is revealed and the Narcissist is exposed as the monster they are! Basically this is what a liar would have to do or be exposed for what they are – Narcissists are very adept at doing this because it is their complete façade and lifestyle – or everything they do is based on deception. They don’t just deceive the world part-time – this is their full-time lifestyle and basically a career for them!
If their twisted lifestyle or the secrets/lies are revealed either accidentally or purposefully it will cause great chaos or perceived harm to the Narcissist and those faithful minions that support them and it would essentially destroy their world. The Narcissist doesn’t care about what YOU or I feel, they only fear the exposure of just how distorted, perverted, and abusive their world is and that they are in this for gain not relationships or bonding. Narcissists will use drama, rage, threats, fear, and deflection tactics by ALWAYS blaming everyone else for their deceptive behavior as well as creating great confusion with stories that just don’t make sense. The Narcissist I dealt with could put a spin on a story to cover up a lie without hesitating – it just came naturally like breathing air.
Narcissists are also very adept at minimizing their own blame or culpability and are skilled at transference, or the art of transferring blame to anyone close by or connected to the situation. The Narcissist will appear to apologize or use their distorted manipulation and tell you exactly what you want to hear to lead you to believe that the secret you found out is an isolated occurrence and it just happened through circumstances ‘out of their control’ or they were set up. It is all BS and there are so many other occurrences that you just don’t know about yet, but if you do find out about them it will be the same old excuses that the Narcissist was wronged, someone else is lying, etc. They have many lives going on and many lies as well. You will ‘get this’ one day as I unfortunately did and it is a horrendous revelation when the truth is right there in front of you and your jaw is dropping to the ground in disbelief!
Narcissists have a lot of internal shame driving them because of their inability to live outside of their out of control fantasy world. They are like magicians that create their false magic with smoke and mirrors, but the Narcissist uses their words and lies so quickly and effectively in an effort to confound or confuse our ability to see or hear the very lies that are right in front of us. They are not fully functioning human beings and they completely lack empathy and do not know love, but they need us to satisfy their needs like we need air to breath. This is why they con the world into believing they are WHAT THEY AREN’T!
Furthermore, Narcissists will keep many, many secrets from EVERYONE close to them and spin such intricate webs of lies that are tailormade for each person in their life AND that is why you feel so special and like YOU are the only one, BUT they are telling stories to many people and none of us are special. They will also play one side against the other by triangulating to divide and conquer to keep that truth separate by keeping people and relationships separate. It is purely a diversion tactic that they create between people. Narcissists will also play the victim card BIG TIME as if THEY were the one that was taken advantage of without knowledge and fell into a situation and couldn’t help what they did because they are the honorable one that took the fall for someone else! They are also very adept at spinning lies around a little bit of truth especially as it concerns PAST relationships or their many PRESENT lies and betrayal. My Narcissist had to work overtime to cover up the disastrous turmoil that this Narcissist caused to an ex-spouse and family! I even had the ex-spouse COME TO MY HOUSE while the Narcissist was there with me.
So, in reality Narcissists have compartmentalized their many relationships with this deluded superficiality but it is all lies, deception and there is no real intimacy attached to us or anybody in these relationships with them. If everyone that knew the Narcissist got together in the same room and openly talked, the Narcissist would be completely exposed or BUSTED. This is why the Narcissist uses compartmentalization to divide and conquer. NOBODY becomes the wiser to all of the deceit and lies that exist in their world with the Narcissist. The Narcissist effectively keeps the past from catching up with the present and this creature is ALWAYS on top of their game being ten steps ahead of everybody else to hide their distorted lies and lives. Free yourself from the Narcissist and those wedges completely disappear and the distorted truth comes out loud and clear! What is the coefficient here? The Narcissist that creates these wedges between you and everybody else!
The Narcissist is so deeply invested in his/her image and will do whatever it takes to protect themselves from exposure. Their actions are so extreme to maintain their false illusions they have created and it becomes a matter of self-preservation and the Narcissist will think nothing of destroying your self-esteem, self-worth, reputation and integrity to protect themselves. Their lies catch up with them eventually and we end up in the trash heap with every other target/victim that dared demand accountability. This IS THE FATE of every relationship with a Narcissist. They are very calculating and exacting at retaining their ability to survive as the predator they are so they can continue to find prey. It is a matter of survival, otherwise if their true distorted personality were apparent they would be like a fish out of water (a shark.)
Of course, it goes without saying that all of their distorted efforts or the many secrets, lies and deceptions that support their lifestyle make it impossible for a person to sustain any sort of an emotional bond with them or even a simple relationship. This is due to the fact that the many lies pile up to a point that they take on a life of their own that eventually becomes so apparent to the target/victim. In other words, the Narcissist is never that adept to cover up their reality because it is just too distorted for them to maintain any semblance of a relationship with anybody. They are SO out of control and careless that they can’t keep up with their own lies with any one person. They can fake it for as long as we BELIEVE them, but in time the truth lights the way and their honorable mask falls off and shatters from the many lies that weight it down! But again, they will use horrid manipulation to make you fear their retribution and keep you strung along in their abuse until they are DONE with you. Unfortunately, they will also try to destroy your integrity in an attempt to put all of the blame on YOU so they can escape and find their next viable source of supply with a new story, new lies, and a plethora of charm to create the Narcissistic magic one more time. No/minimal contact! Greg
Narcissists manipulate in a manner to control their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything – this is chaos and crazy making meant to confound their target’s normal thoughts. This can be very evident at times, because it is a downright shocking situation and we have all been there shaking our heads in disbelief at what they have said or acted on. It can also be very subtle with many small manipulative and dehumanizing actions that disassemble the target/victim’s well-being slowly and methodically. BUT it is so perplexing that people actually disbelieve their very ears and more than often we dismiss it and justify it by thinking it is anger, a bad day, insecurity, jealousy, or they have some wrong information about us – BUT it is a constant and consistent behavior meant to debase us. Unfortunately, we spend our time trying to fix the situation and avoiding the truth that this is just one of their tools in their vast arsenal of control and ultimately ABUSE. Little by little this behavior erodes the target/victim’s self-worth and creates an almost obsessive situation where the target/victim is constantly trying to avoid the conflict, keeping things peaceful, and walking on eggshells. There is never the opportunity for a “healthy self” in this relationship and you become a casualty of the constant psychological terrorism or abuse – essentially you become a shell of a person.
What are we grieving? The many stages of comprehension. This is a longer read but an important one that you can absorb over the weekend.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
It all begins with the nightmare of going from being in love (idealized) to being hated (devalued and discarded.) Then discovering the web of deceit and lies at so many levels. Next coming to terms with understanding that you were only an object or Narcissistic Supply and somehow that has to make REAL sense to you. You begin to understand that everything you shared in your past, the memories, dreams and plans were corrupted by the Narcissist’s disordered agenda AND this relationship/love was only real to you! Then you realize what was real to this Narcissist was an agenda to extort what they could through this manufactured love AND THEY USED YOU. You hear a term called gas-lighting which basically describes someone (your Narcissist) trying to make you believe you were mentally disordered or INSANE!
You realize that you don’t have the ability to create real closure. You are not able to let go with love but instead you HAVE to let go with an ‘understanding’ that the person you loved is severely damaged and dangerous and you have to somehow accept and live with this. Your belief system is completely shattered. You hear your Narcissist boasting about having sex with a new person, or perhaps married, or they gone on with their life so quickly, and they are BRAGGING about it to intentionally hurt you and now that feels like a NEW stab to your heart. You start to get nostalgic for what could have been, and you only lose touch with the reality that they are disordered and you start questioning yourself AGAIN. You wonder what it is that YOU did wrong. It is a vicious back and forth cycle that only leaves you so confused and frozen in time. All of these thoughts and more become a part of detaching from this monster BUT unfortunately the coefficient that you loved them is in the mix as well and you are vulnerable and broken! The Narcissist is woven into your memories and your life in very conflicting ways and it is just too confounding BUT TODAY YOU REALIZE THAT NONE OF IT WAS REAL!
You would have to take a course in psychology that deals with personality disorders to completely internalize that they are a Narcissist and disordered to understand the rationale behind this abuse. You probably have never even heard of a Narcissist or associated them with psychological/emotional abuse AND that you were with one. On the other hand, you still have many mixed messages from this Narcissist saying that YOU are the disordered one here and to blame for everything, so you ARE questioning your own mental capacity trying to establish where the real problem lies. IS IT YOU OR IS IT YOUR EX? It is like being on a roller coaster ride through hell and you have to figure all of this out on your own. You have to somehow put this all together in a short period of time going from loving this person to now accepting that they ARE the predator and you were prey. It is just an insurmountable feat to pull this together in your mind especially when you are already so vulnerable and worn down by the many years of this abuse. BUT NOW you start to realize that you were a target/victim of emotional and psychological abuse and that is just a new level of confusion and more that you have to deal with and somehow sort out.
Narcissists can be your mother/father, brother/sister, wife/husband, boyfriend/girlfriend, the mother/father of your biological children, a friend, or boss, and more than likely you have spent MANY years with them as well. You may be financially or legally connected to them. You need a lot of time and an education to process this. You start crawling your way out of this and then you realize that this Narcissist has BRANDED YOU as the abuser, defective, mentally ill, as well as destroyed your integrity by using familiarity against you. They are out there SMEARING your good name to everyone that is important to you. You are really starting to see this monster behind the mask and you LOVED this creature? This is more like psychological rape and you are left there alone to pull yourself together and find some sort of help, but where do you start and what fires do you put out first. It is no longer a matter of the denial, it is reality and you have to face this and try to function in your day to day world as if you are the healthy individual you once were. You end up stumbling and picking yourself up over and over again! It seems like there is no end to this and then anxiety and depression set in.
When you start out on the journey to recovery you are faced with some very difficult objectives and that is picking up all the pieces of your shattered life and trying to put them all back together again. It would be akin to trying to put your house together after a hurricane totally destroyed it. Everything that WAS your life and memories are now shattered and strewn over a hundred-mile radius. You try to sift through the rubble and damage to save what you can, but it is almost impossible to dig in AND through all the piles of debris to find anything familiar or savable. Your whole world is so distorted from the damage that this hurricane caused and you can only see the resulting damage from this disaster and now you have to put this all back together to achieve a cohesive normal ‘YOU’ again and basically do it all by yourself! You basically feel fearful from all of the uncertainty that lies before you.
You start the process of recovery in disbelief, fear, and shock! The shock in essence numbs you temporarily from going completely insane by giving you the ability to separate yourself from the totality of this disaster or some breathing room – it is nature’s sedative. Once the dust settles though you start to see the whole picture standing before you and now reality sets in. As you are setting out on this journey your emotions are going to be overwhelming as you try to understand all of this and they get in the way and confuse you. You are trying to sort through pure chaos and you are going to respond to it with tremendous ambivalence, anger, hatred, vengefulness, and MANY other negative feelings. Along with this you will be doing some deep soul searching trying to put perspective on so many opposing thoughts that don’t correlate with the love you believed in AND it creates a huge void and a great sense of being so lost and alone in all of this.
Your reactions are actually quite normal, and this is just you being a human with confusion, emotions, and empathy striving to find that cohesiveness. You are dealing with two CONFLICTING realities – you were in love and believed it was real for so long, but the reality is that there never was a real person there that loved you because it was a manufactured love and hideous con job because this person was severely disordered. You MUST experience all of these feelings and crazy emotions to move forward to understanding the REAL ‘whys’ as they concern all of this. Even as confusing as all of this is it is a necessary process to actualize and organize what you can! This is how you move forward and that is a learning process that includes the truth that has disabled you in the first place.
You MUST learn everything you can about this disorder and the psychopathy of a pathological Narcissist. You are not dealing with a so called normal breakup where two people move forward with closure. You are having to leave this relationship and whatever love you believed in with ONY an understanding of something very unfamiliar to you (a Narcissist/psychological abuse.) This will all come together when you start to see the patterns emerge and get that ‘ah ha’ moment. This is where you connect the dots and where you begin to bridge your situation to being abused by a Malignant Narcissist! There is nothing normal with abuse nor do you have much experience from your past to compare this to unless you were a victim of this abuse before. You are dealing with hardcore psychopathy here and a personality disorder. This is exactly why you have such a hard time wrapping your head around all of this! This is real, and you need a helping hand to put a perspective on all of this.
You will return to the past to recall, remember and review many details. This is not you obsessing but instead a viable part of the process that is very necessary for recovery and healing. This is all new material and you are starting from square one to internalize what this abuse is and connecting it to what you thought existed but did not exist (the love, relationship, memories, dreams, goals, etc.) So, you must actualize what really existed and replace those emotional connections with the stark reality of the truth. You must now emotionally detach yourself from the disordered Narcissist that you loved and grasp the reality of this massive deception that eroded your being and world. It is hard to separate from the emotions and accept the reality of the situation, BUT you have to tell yourself that you loved a monster. You didn’t know they were a monster, because they are predators that manipulate their prey into the abuse. BUT every time you start remembering the love you believed in, you must now turn those thoughts around and say that you were psychologically and emotionally raped by a monster and predator. You can’t be kind with your thoughts and give the Narcissist the benefit of the doubt because there are NO doubts that Narcissists are destructive abusers to everyone. ANY benefit of the doubt that you allow the Narcissist only keeps you connected to the abuse and will not allow the closure you so desperately need to move forward! You were a target/victim of ABUSE!
You must constantly tell yourself and reinforce that this was not a normal or real person that COULD love you. You have to accept that it was a huge lie and most importantly that it had nothing to do with you because the Narcissist managed you down to believe that you are to blame and the disordered one! You HAVE to accept that it did happen to you and there is no rhyme nor reason to it because Narcissists are character disordered and in a class of their own. They are dangerous to human beings and destructive and you are so FORTUNATE to be FREE of them. You are a testament to this very fact because you have experienced their psychological abuse and have been severely damaged by a relationship with them. You have to completely switch off from thoughts that pull you into believing they will change or you can fix them – YOU CAN’T!
Now you have to actualize that there is so much goodness in you and seriously that is what this Narcissist wanted to own and destroy and that is why they targeted you. You ARE a good person and probably an AMAZING person so don’t ever lose touch with this because the Narcissist told you differently. They are disordered and negative and they live with this premise to make everyone else around them unstable by managing them down. THIS is what psychopaths do to their targets, manage them down to nothingness to control them.
You have to create a discipline to stop looking at the ‘what ifs’ or ‘could I have done this or that’ or that somehow you caused this abhorrent treatment. You have to stop yourself from trying to obtain information about what they are doing through social media OR trying to make any type of contact with them. You seriously have to just stop thinking about them as being anything real to you and concentrate on YOU. Tell yourself that this is DONE! Yes, there are situations that you must stay in contact with them, but again you must separate the emotions and break the chain that binds you to their psychopathy and keep it to the business at hand. Ask yourself what it is you would want back (as in fixing the relationship?) Do you want to enter back into the abuse to experience more dehumanization, lies, betrayal and extortion? No of course not! Lock into this message and put your happiness first! Remember that a Narcissist will ALWAYS use chaos to pull you back into the abuse to have control over you so NEVER allow it again.
Now as far as connecting to the reasons WHY you were the target of this disordered Narcissist – in a nutshell it is because they are predators after prey pure and simple. With this type of encounter with horrendous abuse we definitely have a strong desire to re-evaluate our life and behavior. Again this is normal and can be progressive in your recovery because it is your desire and ability to grow, transcend and move forward learning from the situation and looking inward. The encounter will provide a spark to grow and evaluate your inner self to correct anything that kept you tied to the abuse and you will correct all of that with introspection and boundaries – but that will happen once you traveled through the truth with REAL KNOWLEDGE that this was abuse and you are no longer vulnerable and caught up in the distorted emotions and confusion. Acceptance will move you forward, anything else will pull you right back into the confusion as well as more abuse and you will only have to start at square one AGAIN!
Try not to be your own therapist and psychoanalyze yourself because we are not trained to do this. Seek out a QUALIFIED therapist to do this instead if you need personalized help. Also, the world is still out there and as much as you don’t want to get back to that world you HAVE to or you will be frozen in the confusion and fear! Find people who will emotionally support you and do not make you doubt yourself. Those people who try to tell you or imply that you are somehow at fault are going to make you only start blaming yourself again. They are seriously not the people you want to help you through this. AGAIN, you are dealing with a character disordered Narcissist and they are an anomaly and aberration and NORMAL rules do not apply to them nor normal theories. You need to pull out the big guns to end this battle. Friends and loved ones are not qualified to do this. They can love and support you, but they can’t fix this. You need to seek out other targets and survivors that understand.
Lastly the question or arguments of what a Narcissist is. Are they evil or disordered/sick? My thoughts are they are possibly both, but it doesn’t matter. What really matters is that you recognize the pattern of this abuse so whether you believed you were abused by a demon or a personality disorder you were abused and you must free yourself of them forever. You must accept this and stop trying to figure any of this out beyond accepting the truth about their actions that describe who/what they are and diverting all of your attention to your recovery and growth! They are not going to change, rescue you or do anything but abuse you more! You can do this – I promise. No/minimal contact to start on the road to recovery, freedom and a healthy mind again. Greg
You are overloaded with emotions, and all of the lies that were spread about you by the Narcissist and it is too overwhelming and DEBILITATING! EVENTUALLY the truth will always come out, but you can’t force awareness of that truth until it happens and people will see the true pattern AND then it will work against the Narcissist. Liars have to have great memories to keep their lies straight and Narcissists always operate in a hit and run manner and get caught up in their distorted stories and they can never keep all of their lies straight.
You need tried and true friends to accomplish a secure and trusted support network. Your best bet is to find and connect with other survivors, a therapist that understands this abuse THROUGH a target/victim’s eyes, and group therapy if one exists in your area. Invest in yourself to get the help that is out there so you CAN and WILL move on and away from them forever!
STOP believing in that Narcissist because there is absolutely NOTHING real as it concerns them and any relationship you have with them!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
I finally stopped believing when I realized I was compromising my own emotional and psychological well-being when my head just froze up with too much confusion, too many justifications to stretch my beliefs, and bending my emotions too much until they almost snapped in half to meet the Narcissist’s needs. Getting out of this horrendous relationship became my primary and only process because I was constantly spinning my wheels trying to always believe in what only amounted to lies and manipulation in EVERY aspect of this relationship with this Narcissist. This awakening AND the truth was the miracle for me that got me away from this Narcissist.
This is emotional and psychological abuse in a nutshell, a hideous and destructive daily betrayal by a disordered Narcissist. I wish I could put it into better words for those out there that are still justifying their life away and sinking deeper and deeper in this psychological abuse. Believing them only takes more and more of your reality away and they will take you down all the way if you keep believing in them and leave you with NOTHING! The only direction with a Narcissist is OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP and as far away from them physically and emotionally as you can get.
All they are doing is delivering their poison with a little sugar to make it go down your throat easier. It is the mix of their lies, manipulation, betrayal or the cycle of their psychological/emotional abuse. None of which defines us as stupid or a fool – it defines them as psychological terrorists! Narcissists are TOTALLY self-absorbed and tend to be highly charming – let’s even say they are pathologically self-absorbed. They have a constant need for admiration and addicted to their quest to find their ‘relevance’ in any and every person they can source out and harvest even when they are in committed relationships. They view all events in terms of how the events impact and serve them and them alone. They are master manipulators and feel an “emotional high” with each new conquest. So, for an example and a quick fix to gain more admiration they may resort to “hooking up” for a one-night stand that requires very little effort on their part (especially emotionally) and it brings them a huge dose of that supply to feed that vast and needy void of a dark life. It is like us taking a daily vitamin supplement to boost our health but a Narcissist takes on lots of ‘extra’ supply for any and many reasons on the side to boost their unhealthy ego – remember supply does not have to be a sexual conquest it could be any number of things that brings them adulation or adoration. None of us have more or less significance than any other person they seduce into their agenda so please stop trying to believe in them and their lies!
Their behavior is often edgy and impulsive which can often appear exciting to people. These individuals lack all empathy and compassion unless it helps them achieve their goals, so they don’t care if they hurt their spouse, partner, girlfriend/boyfriend, etc., because their out-of-control neediness rules their world. They are unwilling to see or EVER consider anything from another person’s viewpoint. They will continue the emotional control with a target/victim until the relationship becomes too burdensome – and that interprets as the non-narcissistic partner confronting the Narcissist or demanding accountability then it is the great departure and annihilation with rage, blame, shame and projection – it is OUR entire fault of course and they will lie even more to justify this and destroy our integrity and just move on as if we never existed.
They utilize no moral code or boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity, frequently offering marriage, promises, children, OR literally whatever the target/victim “needs to hear” in order to close the deal and secure supply (both long term and ‘extra’ supply on the side). You only have to wonder why they just don’t live out their perverse lifestyle without us, but they do need us because we shield them by providing a cloak of morality and invisibility by using OUR good qualities to protect them from real exposure – we are just a part of the camouflage they wear. Narcissists ALWAYS find someone, and they even develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, deceiving without stumbling over their words, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal to find ANOTHER source for supply. There is always a lonely sympathizer out there to buy their lies.
The beginning of a relationship with a Narcissist is so fantastic that one falls head over heels in love and those emotions blind sight us to the very truth that is in front of us because the ‘love bombing’ is the most dangerous tool in the Narcissist’s arsenal. As time goes by, the mask is slowly shifting and shattering, and the true face of a Narcissist slowly starts to emerge. A Narcissist can change in a blink of an eye from a loving and caring person into someone who is capable of cheating, being emotionally cold, dishonest, rude, raging and uncaring. Why? Well let’s just say they are not capable of human emotions so all we are seeing is the false image they are projecting to keep us locked up in their scam! Without empathy and love they are cut off at the knees as far as moving forward to develop anything more than satisfying themselves and they get bored and constantly look for more and better supply. There is NO SUCH THING AS A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM! It is an opportunity for them to extort all they can from whomever they can trick into their web of pathological deceit.
Even after realizing that you are dealing with a Narcissistic personality with all the cheating, lying, shouting, criticizing, raging, making fun of you, and all of the other unpleasant things that are occurring on a regular basis, it can still be incredibly difficult to break off the relationship even though you know a Narcissist is not going to change his or her behavior. Their mental hooks are buried very deep in our heads and thoughts of breaking up can create feelings of hopelessness, depression, sadness, anxiety and trauma! Remember the Narcissist has been conditioning us in a manner to confound our every thought and action. It is sometimes an impossible feat for a target/victim to wrap their head completely around just how disordered a Narcissist is, so they keep going backwards and searching for answers where there are none. Where do we pull this information from because this is more than likely our first experience with a Narcissist so we defer to what we know about ‘normal’ human relationships and that is as different as apples and oranges?
Narcissists are unable to put themselves into the place of another person as far as understanding what harm they are causing them. This is because a Narcissist is totally lacking that empathy thing. Narcissists act in very cold and cruel ways towards those who are closest to them because they have no internal mechanisms to filter the harm and disdain that they really have for life – all that they have is that façade and mask that makes them SEEM to be just like us. A Narcissist acts sadistic in the full meaning of the word, being cold and insensitive towards the pain of others. Narcissists simply avoid accessing any mental “tools” that would personally blame them and just deny their behavior is causing great pain, anxiety and depression to the people who are close to them. They justify it with ‘blaming and shaming’ through MORE projection. Basically, they feel that they deserve special attention in every aspect of their life. If they go out and have a one-night stand, it is our fault because we haven’t met all of their needs and we better get over it and start serving them in better ways than we have. Plus, they are slippery and slimy characters that aren’t going to admit to anything that deems them accountable for ANYTHING in life. Hmmm, isn’t that a cognitive process that defines them as thinking and knowing that they are doing something wrong and ‘covering’ it up to avoid exposure? Yes, so I would say that they quite possibly know exactly what they are doing and JUST DON’T CARE one iota about people.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and want to end the relationship, the most important thing you need to realize is that you are not really in love with your Narcissistic husband/wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. You fell in love with an unreal image and one that was created personally for you in the beginning of the relationship because they were setting all the images and traps for you with their ‘love bombing.” When the true nature and personality of a Narcissist starts to show up you have already become too psychologically attached to that false and delusional image they purposely created, which makes it very difficult to end the relationship. This was the Narcissists goal! Those ‘love bombing’ emotions is what has you connected at the hip to them.
You probably feel you will never find another person who can love you as strongly as this Narcissist and ‘ah ha’ that is the grand scheme or manipulation that the Narcissist created personally for you. You feel disoriented and depressed and you are trying to hold on to your relationship and make it work at any cost. But your “love” towards a Narcissist is just an illusion, a mental trap your own mind has gotten caught up in, and the Narcissist created. In reality those precious things you imagine you shared do not exist and never will. It may be hard for you to see this now if you are still with them but believe me once the fog lifts you will see the truth that supports this in ways that will sicken you. It is the betrayal that destroys your spirit AND trust in the world and that is just another level of this abuse that prohibits you from moving forward to find a better place in your life. This will change!!
You must take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. The best thing you can do is to end the toxic relationship, which is slowly making you sick both mentally and physically. If you stay with a Narcissist or this cheater and mental abuser for too long, eventually there is no love left, only a twisted version of something that will become a debilitating and destructive routine in your life or a desperate love. Don’t waste any part of your precious life with a Narcissist because the outcome will always be disastrous and destroys so much of you. PLEASE stop believing that you can do anything to change this or fix this. However, you can fix yourself and heal from this if you allow yourself to start on this journey! Go no/minimal contact to start on your journey to recovery. Greg
That ‘relationship’ with a Narcissist – they EXPLOIT your precious human emotions to make themselves seem human. They use this information to establish a strong foundation to create what seems like an intimate and healthy relationship.
Narcissists are self-serving chameleons that “shape shift” into whatever they need or want to be to serve a specific agenda they have. They do not have genuinely ordered or consistent thoughts, concerns, or ANY moral codes. Morality is relative to their desires at any given moment and they act on all of them. In plain English they are extortionists and use people by manipulating them to get what they can. They have an uncanny ability to seduce to the point of ‘brainwashing’ others. They are also hypocrites in that they pass judgment on others as well as call them out for negative behaviors, when in fact the Narcissist is overtly guilty of these SAME BEHAVIORS and WORSE! All part of the HUGE mask the Narcissist wears to hide the monster behind it.
This chameleon nature is a façade or their “mask” that allows them to get by or pass as normal in public, but they are cruel, nasty dictators, terrorists, and abusers in their private lives. They often have incredibly dysfunctional and damaged family lives and it is not uncommon for them to have multiple relationships or ‘past’ partners (that they still use as “extra” supply on the side), or ex’s that they harass and stalk relentlessly. Most have a long pattern of cheating on their partners. They are toxic individuals pure and simple and THEY NEVER CHANGE.
Seriously this is all the depth there is to them and this is all we really have to understand about them – unfortunately they triggered ‘something’ in us that makes us attached to them at the hip and THAT IS LOVE. They conquered us with this single word (and imitating all of the required actions to support it) so we are right there with them and believing they are real. Because we have real emotions we supported every aspect of this love. They don’t have emotions to support it back with us and this is what fails them AND us. They want what they want, they play the game, but it is short lived because they lack the necessary mechanics to give back. They get bored easily because they feel no human emotions or feelings to connect to us, but they are in it as long as they can fulfill their every need and they exhaust everything we have and then they continue on to the next target/victim. They are protecting themselves from exposure, so combine those two elements (their needs and their extreme manipulation to fulfill them) and this Narcissist becomes a raging lunatic if you should out them or make them accountable in ANY MANNER. They keep up the charade, rages and all, but they throw us a little bone to snare us back once again and then manage us down to make us feel worthless and thus disabling more of our reality. Remember if their true inner self was transparent to the world they would be rejected, writher away and die – so THAT is why they create that GRAND FACADE.
Along with the façade the Narcissist back stabs people continually throughout their disordered life. To them it is control and power over others because they NEED that control because the façade is actually very weak and it is not backed with ANY reality. They will consistently demonstrate their power with back handed and insulting behavior toward others. They will utilize behaviors like talking people down, or making them the brunt of a rude and demeaning joke, making fun of them, totally ignoring or silencing them, being late for important events, simply not attending or walking out of events, avoiding being a team player at all costs, refusing to consult or ask for help and just acting out ON THEIR OWN SELF ACCLAIMED AUTHORITY. There are absolutely NO RULES that they follow, so there is never accountability either – that gets displaced onto us through blame and shame because the Narcissist is the eternal victim of life. THIS is the true nature of what hides behind that façade!
There is no having a real relationship with a Narcissist, you may be in what you believe is a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you – you are Narcissistic supply. You are only in their life to make them look good or because you are useful to the Narcissist as an object to satisfy a need. Nothing is ever internalized with a Narcissist like emotional bonds, caring, love or EMPATHY. Their world is totally external and everyone is objectified like a shiny new car that the Narcissist drives/wears to make them look however special they feel they need to be. Their image is a fake aspect of their chameleon like nature – and it constantly changes just like the chameleon changes its colors to blend into an environment. This is what we have to understand totally so we can completely break that belief in them – you know the one the Narcissist conned you into believing that they were real.
SO – a little bit more about what they really are and really do. The Narcissist constantly violates boundaries albeit physical, emotional, and mental. They follow no rules in life, or respect human dignity/rights, or adhere to any written laws. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or take/steal anything that belongs to others. Ownership is their birthright or so they feel because they are above the normal order of life. They will violate your standing with figures of authority in an effort to cause trouble/destruction or just to “one up” you. They are truly extortionists and they take everything and anything they can get their hands on. BUT remember this chameleon camouflages itself with CHARM – so they get away with virtual murder because they have been doing this all of their lives and they are just that good at it. The people that know the truth about them are mostly their targets/victims – the rest become their minions at some useful level that they charm into believing just how special they (the Narcissist) are AND the minions will protect the Narcissist’s lies and disordered life – they are the enablers of their abuse.
Every target/victim or mental health professional will say the best way to cope with a Narcissist is to get as far away from them as you can, and as fast as you can and firm it up with NO CONTACT. So, the next AND very important step is that you MUST come to the realization that your intuitions that ‘something is/was wrong’ is the reality or truth about your relationship with them. That will open the door to all of the truth that they are disordered and not fully functioning human beings. Narcissists are excellent manipulators and they will brain-wash or can convince you that IT IS YOU, and not them that has the problem and everything is your fault AND you have abused them. That is a tactic called diversion to put the blame onto YOU! Remember they are convincing other people that it is you that is the disordered and bad person – this is part of their escape from being exposed.
You must also completely educate yourself about this personality disorder to get your ‘ah ha’ moment or you will be pulled back into the abuse with more of their lies and manipulation. Block their Narcissistic behaviors and completely ignore them and remove any Narcissistic supply that they are getting from you. They hate to be ignored and will move on to someone else for new Narcissistic supply. They CAN and will blind sight you with crazy making and chaos and you will spend your entire life in a dance with the Narcissist until one day you wake up and you have lost sight of who you are and where your life has gone. Don’t try to reason with them because they simply refuse to confront their own behaviors or acknowledge that they have ANY problem at all. Communication with them will only create a frenzy of crazy making that will create more negativity and chaos because they live this way. You can’t rationalize with a Narcissist because where there is no reality there is no truth. Lies are the tools they utilize which are always meant to harm others and disguise their real disordered nature.
Lastly, you must Identify and build strong personal boundaries against the Narcissist or they will continually violate you. These boundaries MUST include emotional, mental, and even physical boundaries, and the boundaries MUST be strong, enforceable, and completely leak-proof. Just say no to their managing down and emotional abuse and they will become powerless!
There are situations where you HAVE to deal with a Narcissist – especially if you have children together, or they are a family member. So, to cope with a Narcissist effectively you must be able to differentiate between reality and normalcy that is YOU AND YOUR REAL LIFE as compared to the constant drama, chaos and crazy making that orbits around the Narcissist constantly. You must consistently validate your own personal existence and morals, and hold on to yourself with a firm grip, never allowing the Narcissist to drag you back into the abuse by violating and controlling your emotions, thoughts, or behaviors like they have ALWAYS done. If you don’t, they will eat you alive and drag you back into the abuse with their vast array of manipulation, lies, betrayal, brain-washing and essentially psychological ABUSE!
In the end you will realize that there was absolutely nothing you gained from your relationship with a Narcissist except getting your freedom back to live a normal and healthy life again. Your empathy and emotions connected you to them at the hip – we call this “love” in a normal relationship, but unfortunately there was not even an ounce or shred of normalcy/reality in our association with them. It was a master of deception extorting every aspect of our life mentally and physically.
It will always reside in the back of your mind that somehow a monster got into your world and almost devoured you completely, as well as the fact that they still exist out there with their minions, flying monkeys or whatever we want to call the people around them that SUPPORT their abuse. None of them are worth the battle of lies and deception that will yield as the result of confronting any of them directly. They absorb the negativity that they create around them and it energizes them and then they feel powerful. They enjoy inflicting harm/destruction onto others. In my case KARMA is doing what it needs to do because the people that meant anything to me are still here and surround me with love and protection. The people that need chaos, lies, belittling, chaos, crazy making, etc., are there with the Narcissist where they belong, and they mean nothing to me and have no effect on my life. There is no beautiful life that surrounds a Narcissist, only lies, illusions, delusions, and chaos – all at the cost of the ‘others’ that have any unfortunate connection with them. BE VERY THANKFUL that you are away from the abuse and learn about who you are again, because you are an amazing person that can and will survive this psychological terrorism or attack from this monster. Stay NO CONTACT at all costs and LOVE again. A Narcissist will ALWAYS take you or any person from that CHARM to HARM but always remember that ‘After Narcissistic Abuse – there is Light, Life and Love.” Empower yourself with the truth. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
Every day you allow yourself to maintain a relationship or a connection with Narcissist you lose a little piece of yourself, your family, your life, your emotional stability, your physical AND psychological well-being, as well as your monetary stability. They objectify ALL people to get/take what they can from you and THAT can be everything you have.
Their love never existed because it is/was really only a reflection of our reality of love that they mimicked back to us in a purely manipulated manner as if we had so much in common to make that connection seem like it was a real bond!
What the Narcissist needs is supply! We are supply and they need us. Their world transforms every person, in every walk of life to a need – people are reduced to objects that serve a purpose for them. If you notice that you end up helping a partner, friend, etc., constantly AND you feel you are bending your emotions constantly meeting their needs, stretching your resources financially and physically, and losing yourself in this process, this is a HUGE red flag!
I remember in the early part of my relationship that there were many issues, many needs, problems with a divorce, issues with the Narcissist’s biological children, and substance abuse. I remember a huge red flag where I was pulled into the divorce and questioned by the Narcissist’s mother and asked for my opinion about stories around this Narcissist having anonymous sex, and the ex-spouse stating, “Nobody understands what I had to deal with!” People were reaching out to ME (a stranger) because they were desperately seeking answers to a situation that was destroying the whole family! I was also pulled into an intervention to help this Narcissist through substance abuse as well. Now I completely understand what the “ex-spouse” went through all too well!
I was basically a stranger at that point and had no knowledge about the Narcissist except that all of this seemed confusing to me, BUT I was being charmed to death by this Narcissist and that ALSO blinded my intuition and the reality that I was dealing with a very disordered person. It seemed that everyone had issues around this Narcissist’s divorce that included brothers, sisters, in-laws and even the Narcissist’s biological children. They weren’t supporting the Narcissist – they were supporting the ex-spouse – AND the Narcissist was BLAMING the ex-spouse. All of this was reality and red flags that I should have paid attention to – but the extreme charm and love bombing blind sighted me and I was giving this Narcissist the benefit of the doubt and what a huge mistake.
I also learned early on that this Narcissist lived an out-of-control lifestyle but again I justified everything because I believed these issues would disappear. I believed the Narcissist was suffering extreme emotional damage from losing the kids, drinking and recovery, all issues that I justified as the result of a terrible divorce, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc. Yes, I know I over emphasized the ETC’s, but there were always MANY of these ETC’s. This Narcissist KNEW how to play the game and even lied to me the first day out of the AA program and THAT is not real recovery but the reality that this Narcissist was ONE BIG LIE, even using AA to manipulate everyone into a new façade that this Narcissist was changing.
We are people of empathy and we will extend ourselves to help others even when there seems to be so many of these ETC’s. Remember we were also charmed into believing they were good and we didn’t have enough time to actualize the REAL truth! Unfortunately, the wool was pulled over my eyes because this Narcissist was busted for infidelity – let’s say caught in one of their perverse ways! This is what this Narcissist is! I was not stupid; I was manipulated by the BEST – a NARCISSIST! ALSO, there was a great deal this Narcissist could benefit with an association with me as well as my family and the Narcissist took full advantage of the opportunity! With a Narcissist it is always about getting the most of what they can from a situation to serve a particular need at that time. This is the exact pattern of how they pull us into their poor woe-be-me world with CHARM and a shiny mask to hide their pathology. We are just the NEXT in a long line of people they abuse. To add one more important point to this scenario, this same pattern became apparent when the Narcissist replaced me with new supply – now I was the abuser!
The most important aspect of this is how they objectify people and put them in a useful place to serve their every need even using people to protect them when they are in the thick of being exposed by a former victim. This can be anything from the person that is in a romantic relationship with them, friends, a co-worker, a minion to support the Narcissist’s lies, parents, and biological children – basically EVERYONE serves a purpose to keep that false mask firmly attached to the Narcissist’s head. We are players in an elaborate stage production that the Narcissist writes that should be called “My Delusional Life of Lies.”
YES, we do all have our roles – some of us are primary roles, secondary roles and bit parts – but none of us are looked upon as anything more than a reflection of the Narcissist’s needs and we are used to create a convincing and FALSE self for the Narcissist to wear, as well as serve them. They really do make the most of their delusional needs with outrageous lies, manipulation, betrayal and the whole nine yards. If we don’t play these roles in the exact manner the Narcissist deserves we are bullied back into our role or abandoned from the elaborate stage production and even punished. There are always new players added to the production as the Narcissist sees fit or for whatever opportunity may arise that serves the Narcissist’s delusional world. There is no commitment to any one person at any time or love in the least bit. The Narcissist is playing everyone from the moment they wake up until they fall asleep at night – IF they can even sleep. YES, this does include having multiple relationships as well. Unfortunately, we are always the last to know because that mask is firmly cemented onto the Narcissist with abundant charm and LIES.
This elaborate production runs and is even ‘taken on the road’ with the Narcissist EVERYWHERE as long as it draws huge crowds and pays the Narcissist’s bills (extorting us) and supplies their needs and wants. Once the Narcissist is bored with their production, or the players quit – they completely move on and re-write a new stage production for themselves with brand new characters. BUT they make sure to burn down the theater where their last production took place. Narcissists are only as successful as long as they receive supply from a support network. They are not normal functioning human beings, because their out-of-control needs always harm/destroy, cause havoc and chaos to everyone around them. They emotional beat people down and destroy lives!
Narcissist need to find people they can manipulate, even tricking them into falling in love, but the Narcissist’s version of love involves complete compliance, support, admiration, loss of freedom, basically doing everything for the Narcissist as well as dealing with their abuse. Your part in this relationship will NEVER be enough because there is not enough any one person could do for a Narcissist because the Narcissist can never feel any sort of gratification because they objectify all people – or basically use them and their needs are unending. The basis of any relationship is built on lies and that catches up with them.
This is the true nature of the Narcissist – a creature that is disconnected from people in this world because they feel omnipotent or rule supreme over everybody else and their connection to any of us is born ONLY OUT OF THEIR NEEDS and not ours. What else could an empty soul offer to any of us if they have no real emotions, empathy, or reality. What this boils down to is that they are by far delusional and dysfunctional and IN DENIAL of just how disordered they are. As long as they have new lies and new supply they shore up their delusions and move on with a trail of destruction behind them without a care in the world for who they have destroyed along the way.
Their love never existed in reality because it is/was really only the reflection of our reality of love that they mimicked back to us in a manipulating manner as if we have so much in common to make that connection that seemed like it is/was a real bond. Their actions are no different than physically abusing us. Whether it is a punch to the face or a punch to our mind they are hideous, lying, and abusive. It will take a long time to get past this damage – this is true. A hit to the mind is a deep wound. It also wounds us in many ways to know that someone could be so malevolent and destructive to actually disable us through such deviant manipulation to control us into submission. In that I have made amends in my life with this abuse and this repulsive being I remember all too well the damage to myself and my family. I learned early on to voice the truth loudly. I rejected the abuse and kept speaking out and will continue to do this to educate people. This abuse is hideous, and NOBODY deserves the losses associated with what amounts to an extortionist. There are more than 125,000 people here speaking out about this abuse. There is education, strength, and healing in the numbers and a testament to the reality of these abusers. This account as well as everybody else’s story is incredulous, but they are all too real. Together we have to help each and every person that crosses the threshold of this abuse so that they can recover by understanding the truth – that is what lights the way for all of us. No/minimal contact always! Greg