STOP believing!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

I finally stopped believing when I realized I was compromising my own emotional and psychological well-being when my head just froze up with too much confusion, too many justifications to stretch my beliefs, and bending my emotions too much to meet the Narcissist’s needs and getting out of this horrendous relationship became my primary and only process. I was constantly spinning my wheels trying to always believe in what only amounted to lies and manipulation in EVERY aspect of this relationship with this Narcissist. This awakening AND the truth was the miracle for me that got me away from this Narcissist.

This is psychological abuse in a nutshell, a hideous and destructive daily betrayal by a disordered Narcissist. I wish I could put it into better words for those out there that are still justifying their life away and sinking deeper and deeper in this psychological abuse. Believing them only takes more and more of your reality away and they will take you down all the way if you keep believing in them and leave you with NOTHING!

All they are doing is delivering their poison with a little sugar to make it go down your throat easier. It is the mix of their lies, manipulation, betrayal or the cycle of their psychological abuse. None of which defines us as stupid or a fool – it defines them as psychological terrorists! Narcissists are TOTALLY self-absorbed and tend to be highly charming – let’s even say they are pathologically self-absorbed. They have a constant need for admiration and addicted to their quest to find their relevance in any person they can source out and harvest even when they are in committed relationships. They view all events in terms of how the events impact and serve them and them alone. They are master manipulators and feel an “emotional high” with each new conquest. So, for an example and a quick fix to gain more admiration they may resort to “hooking up” for a one-night stand that requires very little effort on their part (especially emotionally) and it brings them a huge dose of that supply to feed that vast and needy void of a dark life. It is like us taking a daily vitamin supplement to boost our health, but a Narcissist takes on lots of ‘extra’ supply for any and many reasons on the side to boost their unhealthy ego. None of us have more or less significance than any other person they seduce into their agenda so please STOP trying to believe in them and their lies!

Their behavior is often edgy and impulsive which can often appear exciting to people. These individuals lack all empathy and compassion unless it helps them achieve their goals, so they don’t care if they hurt their spouse, partner, girlfriend/boyfriend, etc., because their out-of-control neediness rules their world. They are unwilling to see or EVER consider anything from another person’s viewpoint. They will continue the emotional control with a target/victim until the relationship becomes too burdensome – and that interprets as the non-narcissistic partner confronting the Narcissist or demanding accountability then it is the great departure and annihilation with rage, blame, shame and projection – it is OUR entire fault of course and they will lie even more to justify this and destroy our integrity and just move on as if we never existed.

They utilize no moral code or boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity, frequently offering marriage, promises, children, OR literally whatever the target/victim “needs to hear” in order to close the deal and secure supply (both long term and ‘extra’ supply on the side). You only have to wonder why they just don’t live out their perverse lifestyle without us, but they do need us because we shield them by providing a cloak of morality and invisibility by using OUR good qualities to protect them from real exposure – we are just a part of the camouflage they wear. Narcissists ALWAYS find someone, and they even develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, deceiving without stumbling over their words, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal to find ANOTHER source for supply. There is always a lonely sympathizer out there to buy their lies.

The Narcissist I was with had an affair early on – perhaps a year and a half after we were together. I found out about it through a friend that stumbled onto the information. Now to exactly understand JUST how disordered and separated they are from reality as it concerns any human relationship this Narcissist actually wrote a poem for me the very night the affair started (with this extra supply) about love and growing old together (as it concerned the Narcissist and me). I was at a point that I believed that this person (my Narcissist) was someone I wanted to pursue a life with and vice versa. I would say in clinical terms we were at the height of the love bombing and this Narcissist was pushing for us to move in together or “going in for the kill,” but in true Narcissistic fashion had an affair without a single thought as far as it concerned me. The lies this Narcissist presented to escape the truth were not only ridiculous but seriously delusional and I was insane for believing them at the time!

The beginning of a relationship with a Narcissist is so fantastic that one falls head over heels in love and those emotions blind sight us to the very truth that is in front of us because the ‘love bombing’ is the most dangerous tool in the Narcissist’s arsenal. As time goes by, the mask is slowly shifting and shattering, and the true face of a Narcissist slowly starts to emerge. A Narcissist can change in a blink of an eye from a loving and caring person into someone who is capable of cheating, being emotionally cold, dishonest, rude, raging and uncaring. Why? Well let’s just say they are not capable of human emotions so all we are seeing is the false image they are projecting to keep us locked up in their scam! Without empathy and love they are cut off at the knees as far as moving forward to develop anything more than satisfying themselves and they get bored and constantly look for more and better supply. There is NO SUCH THING AS A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM! It is an opportunity for them to extort all they can from whomever they can trick into their web of pathological deceit.

Even after realizing that you are dealing with a Narcissistic personality with all the cheating, lying, shouting, criticizing, raging, making fun of you, and all of the other unpleasant things that are occurring on a regular basis, it can still be incredibly difficult to break off the relationship even though you know a Narcissist is not going to change his or her behavior. Their mental hooks are buried very deep in our heads and thoughts of breaking up can create feelings of hopelessness, depression, sadness, anxiety and trauma! Remember the Narcissist has been conditioning us in a manner to confound our every thought and action. It is sometimes an impossible feat for a target/victim to wrap their head completely around just how disordered a Narcissist is. Where do we pull this information from because this is more than likely our first experience with a Narcissist, so we defer to what we know about ‘normal’ human relationships and that is as different as apples and oranges?

Narcissists are unable to put themselves into the place of another person as far as understanding what harm they are causing them. This is because a Narcissist is totally lacking that empathy thing. Narcissists act in very cold and cruel ways towards those who are closest to them because they have no internal mechanisms to filter the harm and disdain that they really have for life. A Narcissist acts sadistic in the full meaning of the word, being cold and insensitive towards the pain of others. Narcissists simply avoid accessing any mental “tools” that would personally blame them and just deny their behavior is causing great pain, anxiety and depression to the people who are close to them. They justify it with ‘blaming and shaming’ through MORE projection. Basically, they feel that they deserve special attention in every aspect of their life. If they go out and have a one-night stand, it is our fault because we haven’t met all of their needs and we better get over it and start serving them in better ways than we have. Plus, they are slippery and slimy characters that aren’t going to admit to anything that deems them accountable for ANYTHING in life. Hmmm, isn’t that a cognitive process that defines them as thinking and knowing that they are doing something wrong and ‘covering’ it up to avoid exposure? Yes, so I would say that they quite possibly know exactly what they are doing and JUST DON’T CARE one iota about people.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and want to end the relationship, the most important thing you need to realize is that you are not really in love with your Narcissistic husband/wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. You fell in love with the unreal image you created of your Narcissistic partner in the beginning of the relationship because they were setting all the images and traps for you with their ‘love bombing.” When the true nature and personality of a Narcissist starts to show up you have already become too psychologically attached to that false and delusional image they purposely created, which makes it very difficult to end the relationship. This was the Narcissists goal!

You probably feel you will never find another person who can love you as strongly as this Narcissist and ‘ah ha’ that is the grand scheme or manipulation that the Narcissist created personally for you. You feel disoriented and depressed and you are trying to hold on to your relationship and make it work at any cost. But your “love” towards a Narcissist is just an illusion, a mental trap your own mind has gotten caught up in, and the Narcissist created. In reality those precious things you imagine you shared do not exist and never will. It may be hard for you to see this now if you are still with them but believe me once the fog lifts you will see the truth that supports this in ways that will sicken you. It is the betrayal that destroys your spirit AND trust in the world and that is just another level of this abuse that prohibits you from moving forward to find a better place in your life. This will change!!

You must take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. The best thing you can do is to end the toxic relationship, which is slowly making you sick. If you stay with a Narcissist or this cheater and mental abuser for too long, eventually there is no love left, only a twisted version of something that will become a debilitating and destructive routine in your life. Don’t waste any part of your precious life with a Narcissist because the outcome will always be disastrous and destroys so much of you. PLEASE stop believing that you can do anything to change this or fix this. However, you can fix yourself and heal from this if you allow yourself to start on this journey! Go no/minimal contact to start on your journey to recovery. Greg

Chaos and crazy-making – the Narcissist’s ‘go to’ tool the Narcissist uses to control situations and people.

Chaos is the ‘go to’ tool that toxic individuals use to create diversion, and confusion with their victims. it is a form of ‘supply’ for them because it is power and control over individuals. Think of the many situations where you are taken from a normal day to being completely thrown off balance by one of their ‘out of the blue’ chaotic attacks. There is no rhyme or reason to their logic – just a ‘hit and run’ situation that leaves you shaking your head, shocked, silenced, withdrawing, isolated, stuck in your own head trying to reason through this, and once again diminished and managed down for no reason whatsoever. Each time you lose a little bit more of yourself because you know that any attempt to work through one of their chaotic outbursts is just futile so you only withdraw from the situation completely. The only way to end this type of chaos is to disallow it by disengaging completely.

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

So much confusion, so much despair, so just how do we move forward?

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

So many times, we question many things that surrounds this abuse from a Narcissist. We feel extreme anxiety, hopelessness, stress, angst, depression, low self-esteem and we keep returning to the same question of when will we finally move on and heal from the effects of this Narcissist and the abuse? It is like being on a merry-go-round by ourselves and all we want to do is get off! Well the answer is right there – we have to get off of that Narcissist’s merry-go-round and put the energy into our PERSONAL recovery and that starts with education/knowledge and then moving away from anything and everything Narcissist. You CAN’T change the Narcissist, heal them, move them to love you, or anything – so PUT THAT ENERGY BACK IN YOURSELF because you CAN change, heal and move forward!

One reason healing and recovery is slow, and we fall backwards is because we need to be educated about this abuse FIRST because we have had no real experience to really understand it as well as why we reacted as we did and fell into these destructive patterns. When all is said and done, we are dealing with what we believe are those normal emotions and the withdrawal of breaking up, but it is much deeper because it was emotional/psychological abuse!

To truly understand this abuse and how we managed to live with it (and through it) as well as the destructive unhealthy patterns, we need to purge everything out of us so ‘time’ is part of the equation of recovery, and EVERYBODY recovers at their own pace. BUT your voice is the very first step to validating this abuse by talking about it and finding your way to other people that have experienced the exact same patterns that you have and then from there the truth will light your way to recovery. A Narcissist is NEVER going to tell the truth about anything yet alone offer any type of closure or admit that they abused you, so remove them from the equation completely – this is about you becoming healthy again. Once they KNOW you are on to them, they start maligning and destroying you to your immediate world (friends, family, co-workers) because they fear exposure. They start on their horrendous smear campaign to make you out to be everything wrong, a liar, damaged, mentally ill, etc., and basically destroying your integrity. That is just more of the abuse and again them displaying MORE chaos and diversions to keep you under their control, silenced, and dragging you back into the emotional and psychological manipulation, confusion, and TRAUMA. So, information is healing power and we need this from the experience of others to lead us in the right direction, so we don’t keep stumbling and falling back into the abuse.

We were conned into a relationship we BELIEVED was love and slowly but surely we were managed down, controlled, extorted, devalued, dehumanized and then discarded. We were like prisoners that were locked up in our own mind because of this psychological war that a Narcissist waged with us, but we didn’t know it was a war. The Narcissist not only infiltrated our minds but also our lives to isolate us through triangulation with our friends and family as well as smearing our integrity. That is similar to what prisoners of war experience with brainwashing and accepting their roles as well as their captors too. The world of a prisoner of war becomes so small and is usually only shared with their captor and the four walls that surround them. Their whole life is managed down and controlled by their captor and that prisoner’s reality is broken down and destroyed by the isolation and brainwashing they experience. It is intentional just as the abuse at the hands of a Narcissist was/is. This abuse psychologically captures the target/victim’s reality and it methodically destroys it through psychological tactics that are meant to demean, devalue and DESTROY the target/victim. A Narcissist is a very disordered person that disables and destroys people to take what they need and discard us as damaged goods! This was never a battle that WE knew about, we believed what the Narcissist pathologically manipulated us into believing in the beginning and that was that we were in a committed and loving relationship. That is one incredulous tactic to use on a person that only describes and shouts out a very deceptive agenda to extort.

How does a person with normal empathy wrap their head around a Narcissist? What words are appropriate – did we love a person, or did we love a Narcissist? Now ask yourself to completely justify your choice and it is troubling. Your mind is or was constantly in a circle of trying to believe that they were real as they brain-washed you into believing with their ‘love bombing.’ Then you have to face the reality that so much of what you believed in as well as accountability on the Narcissist’s part becomes so much so into question when we are devalued and discarded. The new truth will conjure up so much trauma as it concerns the Narcissist moving on so quickly as well as the hate they are throwing back at you and you ask yourself over and over again WHY! This conflict is beyond confusing to deal with because you are a person that only KNOWS love and practices empathy, so you are left trying to find some avenue of goodness in them (the Narcissist) to reconcile this especially since they put on such a display of love in the beginning. There is NO avenue of goodness here because it was abuse!

It is not within our realm of understanding, so it keeps us continually wrapped up with self-doubt and justifications. The truth is that the ‘love bombing’ as amazing and reinforcing as it was to us is no less destructive than the devaluation process or the discard because it was the force behind the Narcissists agenda to gain our trust and move us into the cycle of this abuse AND what got us here today. The road to recovery REQUIRES a crash course about this abuse so we get our REAL ‘ah ha’ moment about the reality of our situation. Even with the truth in mind our emotions will have to be dealt with in a sort of grieving process to move forward because the situation was purely diabolical within the manner that we were conned. Unfortunately, the emotional aspect (love) of this abuse does not go away even with our ‘ah ha’ moment and THAT is what keeps you locked up in the justifications and trying to fix what we were basically ‘blamed and shamed’ into believing that we destroyed. Just another trick on the Narcissists part to keep us confused and on this terrible roller coaster of ‘emotional ups and downs.’ They are like ticks that attach themselves to our skin sucking our blood or very life force! If and when you try to remove them their head stays lodged in your skin causing great damage because their infectious poison remains inside of you. Without treatment you can suffer for the remainder of your life. BUT trust me that in time the pain will lesson with the truth, knowledge, education and the support of other victims/survivors. It all starts with your voice and talking about your situation.

A Narcissist will make us their punching bag for their inadequacies through rages. Their aim is to force us into a co-dependent role and their possession (object) to use at will – that and to gain control over us, our emotions and our life. We are not prized by them as an equal partner but taken for granted as long as we give them supply and even that is probably a bit too complementary as to them having ANY feelings for us even as supply. This is a dehumanizing partnership we have with them because we were only the NEXT object in a Narcissist’s long past of using and abusing people. It was just our turn because of an unfortunate twist of fate that landed us right in their web of lies and deceit, or a predator finding its prey.

Recovery is a process that demands that we separate ourselves from the Narcissist that is inside of us as the result of living or being with that Narcissist. The Narcissist has crippled you (us) and assigned you a role as they do to every target/victim. We HAD to develop coping mechanisms with him/her. EVERY day we were forced (controlled) to “walk on eggshells” and develop our own false self to support their every need. It is nothing even comparable to BEING a Narcissist it is just defining what we become and that is NS or Narcissistic supply. It is a direct result of the elaborate arsenal of tools that the Narcissist uses and the result of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you (us) by the Narcissist.

With all of that being said, great efforts are required to abandon a Narcissist and physical separation is only the first step. Next psychological separation is also required and that is the catch 22 in our recovery. Establishing a new reality that puts all of our old beliefs about this relationship to rest forever. We can abandon a Narcissist physically, but our psyche is slow to abandon the Narcissist. The abuse is lurking there rendering its existence at every level of our reality. It is twisting and distorting our every thought as we reach out to find closure in response to the many years we were with them. The Narcissist’s words and actions live within us as an inner, remorseless voice, lacking any compassion and empathy for our real being. The Narcissist is there in spirit long after he/she has vanished physically. This is the final bow of the Narcissist or their final curtain call, the proxy abuse, as well as the blame and shame that has to be purged out of us as if this was our fault or we deserved it. That is what emotional and psychological abuse does to a good and loving person – disables them until they repurpose themselves back into life.

Just like the analogy of that fast ride on the merry-go-round, my only salvation was to jump off at all costs and get my feet back on the ground and my bearings back again. This was not a simple process because this Narcissist made sure to set the groundwork to make those nearest and dearest to me believe that I was a bad person and derelict – so that ground was shaky at first. This was an insurmountable situation that I had to venture into without any course of action to resolve any of it quickly. I stumbled through it and had to let go of many things that were important to my life and become a survivor. Day by day I acquired the truth as well as knowledge to move forward. I didn’t look at any of the losses at first, I realized that my survival was based on becoming healthy first and then to rebuild from there. I had to concentrate on ME and only me because I needed to be healthy once more. I had to step out of the fog and take each and every day as part of my freedom that provided me clarity to heal and move on little by little until I survived this war that was waged against my life. They just don’t walk into our lives to take supply and then discard us, they have to destroy us to make themselves feel better or superior in the process and to bury the evidence to avoid exposure.

They will put so much time into their agenda to trap someone new and take them down to their level, but we do break free from them and their little battle rages on with life that forces them to keep searching for another person. They don’t ever look back on their life with fond memories or fulfilled dreams because they don’t have a REAL life. Their own biological children become targets/victims and suffer from the fallout of their abuse and quickly become like every other person they abandon. They have no past, present or future – only the destruction, loss and loneliness that they have inflicted upon others that RETURNS to them tenfold. There is no happiness or ‘new’ love in their life, just another target to abuse and a new game for them to play AND distancing their past so it doesn’t catch up with them. You have the heart, soul and mind to grow from this destructive time you spent with them. You can love again, and you have the spirit and goodness from your past life to reprocess yourself and bring yourself back again. Unlike a Narcissist that is in a constant battle with life, you are resilient because you know unconditional love that heals and have empathy to grow as rational, functioning and normal human beings do! Don’t waste any of your precious time thinking about them because they are not giving you a single thought – know this as the truth! No/minimal contact to move forward! Greg

Ultimately love can make us sad when we lose a loved one but that is the reality of unconditional love when someone near to us is suffering, or we lose them completely – and that is more or less grieving a REAL connection between two normally functioning people. Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist is psychological abuse MEANT to intentionally harm and damage a target/victim that the Narcissist has chosen as their prey – it by no means is anything near a conventional and loving relationship. Real love grows and doesn’t diminish another person’s spirit. Always remember that the love or care that you felt for this person was as much a part of the psychological abuse (love bombing) as was the devaluation stage. This was all the tools of the Narcissists trade – brain-washing, extreme manipulation, gas-lighting, pathological lying, hideous betrayal, many sexual partners, etc., or the cycle of abuse with a Malignant Narcissist.

Narcissists manipulate in a manner to control their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything – this is chaos and crazy making meant to confound their target’s normal thoughts. This can be very evident at times, because it is a downright shocking situation and we have all been there shaking our heads in disbelief at what they have said or acted on. It can also be very subtle with many small manipulative and dehumanizing actions that disassemble the target/victim’s well-being slowly and methodically. It is so perplexing that we can often dismiss it and justify it by thinking it is anger, a bad day, insecurity, jealousy, or they have some wrong information about us – BUT it is constant and consistent behavior meant to debase us. Unfortunately, we spend our time trying to fix the situation and avoiding the truth that this is just one of their tools in their vast arsenal of control and ultimately ABUSE. Little by little this behavior erodes the target/victim’s self-worth and creates an almost obsessive situation where the target/victim is constantly trying to avoid the conflict, keeping things peaceful, and walking on eggshells. There is never the opportunity for a “healthy self” in this relationship and you become a casualty of the constant psychological terrorism or abuse – essentially you become a shell of a person. NO/minimal contact to break the cycle of this abuse forever.

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Love Bombing – appropriately named because a bomb is a tool meant to destroy!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

Narcissists DO find their ideal victims, and usually they are emotionally giving, very caring, kind, loving and selfless – basically good people like YOU and me. Generally, people that are centered in life and good natured, AND also loaded with positive empathy, emotionally generous, and unconditional as well. They will bend their boundaries just enough to accommodate the bigger picture, and that is keeping life in a positive direction, working through things, turning the other cheek, etc. There is nothing wrong with that nor should any person be judged or looked down upon as a weak person for these qualities or better yet taken advantage of, bullied and abused for who or what they are. What I am only describing is a good and INTELLIGENT person that strives to keep positive balance in their life. My point here is that there is no label that should be applied to any target/victim as being deserving of abuse from a Narcissist or anybody.

Yes of course there are lessons to be learned after abuse as it concerns creating new boundaries to protect yourself from future abuse. In the real world there is and has to be give and take BUT unfortunately the world of a Narcissist is ‘take and take more,’ or more appropriately con, trap, manipulate, extort, and abuse. It is a learning process that comes post abuse, or after being a target of this hideous situation and what is most important is that you don’t lock up your values and distrust the world. I had boundaries in my life to protect myself from chaotic, dangerous, and bad people – BUT I had no clue that there were people out there capable of tricking me through extreme lies and manipulation, using love to gain my trust and then willfully abusing that trust to extort from me and cause such destruction in my life. Narcissists will always step on and over your boundaries with their extreme trickery and manipulation.

Narcissists will search out people and get a feel for who will dance their dance, play their game and who won’t and that is what makes them purely predatory. So basically, these Narcissist’s are surveying, assessing, and interviewing most everybody within their general habitat to find their next SOURCES of supply to prey upon. They seek out and find their primary supply and many other sources of supply on the side. Supply, supply, supply – that is the Narcissist’s ONLY goal and main objective, no real relationship, no real love, or no real future! They are like locusts attacking a field of wheat that they strip bare to satisfy their hunger. They don’t care that it causes the farmer great loss and they don’t miss the wonderful farmer whose crops they feasted upon or even send that farmer a thank you note OR establish closure of any sort – they just move onto the next field to pillage. Realistically a locust doesn’t trick a farmer into loving them, and the farmer is well aware that locusts exist, as well as what they can do to their crops. But that is my point WE didn’t realize that there was a dangerous creature out there that could do this to us with an arsenal of tools to achieve their agenda. The message here is that you CAN’T blame yourself or believe you are a fool – this was situational.

Here is where the big game of manipulation begins. They snuggle right up to your emotions and mimic them to create an amazing connection. Add to the equation that they are charming, intoxicating, AND they seduce their prey into their lair with lies and manipulation. They create a perfect ‘love story’ for us and seriously it is only a story and one written precisely for us and then mother nature does her part. It is a calculated move on the Narcissist’s part to figure out exactly how to find a place in our heart through our minds. They are quite good at it because they have fooled us or better yet conned us into a place where they will take advantage of our trust AND generosity. To a Narcissist it is just another day with no real thought or remorse to any of their adverse actions. They want something, so they go after it and there are no rules or laws that they abide by as it concerns any harm they cause to people. Don’t forget that there is also NO empathy, so they don’t know ‘love’ or even have a clue what it feels like, but interestingly enough they mimic it very well. What an amazing and well thought out plan a Narcissist develops and uses to secure their supply that shouts out PREDATOR!

The relationship happens so fast and they swept all of us right off of our feet and into their destructive hands. The reality and the very scary thing here is that they knew exactly what they were doing (too bad we didn’t know this!) None of this was love at first sight, or two soul mates finally meeting up in life, or that prince/princess charming fairy tale that we have heard and read about! Furthermore, this was not coincidental, an accident or FATE – you met certain criteria and were selected, targeted and then pulled into their cycle of abuse. This is all premeditated because a Narcissist does NOT know ‘love’ or act upon loving emotions/feelings in the realm of any relationship, nor are they a supportive partner, or in it for the long run. They are in this relationship (and I use this word loosely) to harvest their needs or SUPPLY just like you were a new washing machine. They will trade you in at the first sign of breaking down. They will overload your capacity and basically make you break down (just like a washing machine.) OH, and they probably are seriously entertaining a dryer (for supply,) a vacuum, stove, coffee maker etc. on the side. The point here is that they objectify people and we are basically an object to them and they have many objects that they are using at the same time. The difference is who provides the most supply gets the top billing with them.

You just don’t ‘spot’ a Narcissist because they don’t have a sign over their head that identifies them as one. Plus, they are very evasive creatures that camouflage their true identity and darkness so they can walk among us freely searching for supply to harvest. Even now the facts of how many Narcissists are out there abusing is probably way off. Do you think this predator is going to identify themselves in a census count? NO WAY because their false identity is part of their trade secret!

I always hear this commercial on TV as it concerns identity theft and your credit cards. The announcer says, “protect yourself from identity theft with “blah, blah, blah” – a service that monitors any and all transactions on your credit/debit cards. Identity theft is relatively new, but WOW society is well aware of it and the damage it can do to their financial world. Well a Narcissist will mess with your identity (and your finances) among many other things, BUT there is no monitoring company out there that protects you and calls your cell phone when a Narcissist is extorting every aspect of your life. When you are out today ask the first person you see to define identity theft and then ask them to define a malignant Narcissist. You can bet they know what identity theft is BUT they will be lacking a cohesive definition about Narcissism. One last question – who do identity thieves go after? ANYBODY AND EVERYBODY because they are predators after something we have that we can ‘SUPPY’ them with – Narcissists could be aptly name identity thieves too! AMEN!

There are some clues or red flags that we definitely overlooked, but that is just not our human nature to turn away from something so amazing that ‘looks and feels’ like real love. We are going to pursue this and of course we are looking out for ourselves – but the ‘love bombing’ of a Narcissist is created with US BEING THE MAIN COEFFICIENT and personally designed with US in mind. What part of the ‘love bombing’ could have been identified as ‘questionable’ when someone is loving you so completely?

They are just seamless with their lies, commitment stories, manipulation, etc. It isn’t until AFTER you are taken in that the real monster rears its ugly face AND after all of your emotions are in place and loving them. In the beginning stage it is all lies, manipulation and seductive charm. None of which are the type you can easily prove or even want to prove. Do you smack a Narcissist on the nose for saying they love you, or reject their hugs and caring with another smack? Do you run to the police when they say they love you and ask a detective to follow them? No, but in time you will be feeling like you want to, but that is down the road and after the big con job. This is a manipulative and lying predator with an agenda in mind and it is a ‘one on one’ manipulation with only YOU and the NARCISSIST in this dance! We don’t know how disordered they are while they lure us into their trap NOR do we know they are a Narcissist! Hindsight being 20/20 we get this message loud and clear AFTER we have been abused. The general populace doesn’t get this, nor would they believe that this creature could turn a beautiful romance into a horrendous game of destruction.

Reclaim your power by externalizing (dumping) any and all blame and realize that the enemy you were dealing with was very stealth and the attack came out of nowhere and this is not your fault! You are left as a prisoner of war would be and the poison that flows through your psyche started with what you thought was love. It is an insurmountable and huge betrayal with the dehumanization and realization that it was all a big lie every minute you believed you were with them exclusively because you really weren’t. It is a ridiculous and horrendous pill to swallow. A person entered into your life that you loved (and they said they loved you exclusively) but it was ALL ONE BIG CON JOB! They extorted your emotions and manipulated them in such a debilitating manner to take you from this great love to making you out to be defective and worthless. Every person that has encountered this abuse can relate EXACTLY to this disturbing truth. Reminds me of one of those old black and white movies where a thug picks up a hitchhiker, making them believe they are going to drive them to their destination with good intentions, but instead steals their wallet and self-respect, and then pushes them out of the moving car and then drives off to find another victim. Knowledge is power and the truth that seems to hurt so much right now is what will lead you away from this abuse and into recovery and healing. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

They are the great pretenders and manipulators in life. They only PRETEND to love, they only PRETEND to care, they only PRETEND to have emotions and empathy, BUT they only ‘play’ PRETEND so that they can fit into our world. BUT beyond pretending is a self-centered egotistical and highly disordered, and dangerous abuser that needs control over people to survive.

Their life is one big and constant out-of-control and devastating hurricane spinning around and causing devastation and destruction to anything in its path because they are on a mission with an extremely self-serving agenda that needs you and I as part of that agenda. They actually look at us as an opportunity because we have something that they don’t have – they are extreme opportunists and takers. They feel as if they are just that smart to get what they want and grin at our loss and their gain. They are neither smarter nor superior than us, instead they are extortionists, pathological liars and psychological terrorists that use control over people because they can’t bond or feel real internalized emotions. They are personality disordered and not living in the same normal world that we live in. Unfortunately, they know how to disguise their dysfunction which is a TOOL or part of their working mechanics to make their agenda work. This is just their keen ability or ADAPTING to hide their reality and live within their own extreme denial. They couldn’t face or live in our reality being who and what they REALLY are because they would lose their place among other human beings and the ability to use us as that NEEDED supply. THREATEN their world of lies and you will be annihilated so they can protect that flimsy world they reside in – without it there is no Narcissist. THAT is the most important aspect in this – NOT giving them their precious supply and taking their power away.

There are theories upon theories as they concern a Narcissist and what they are, what they feel, why they do what they do, can they be fixed, and all the other WHY’S! They DO NOT change or want to change. What about what you feel now from having gone through a dehumanizing experience, and a destructive or devastating relationship with one, or you are a child to a Narcissist? What about ‘YOU’ instead of the Narcissist. This is where you MUST direct your energies or back into you and into your recovery and re-connecting with life. They will never change – they will PRETEND to change to keep you engaged as long as you have something to offer – but there is no REAL in that REAL-ity!

You have put too much of ‘you’ into this fictitious and destructive character already and it got you to a horrific place in your life. You MUST internalize the truth about them to finalize the abuse and move forward or you will stay stuck in the cycle of remaining a target/victim to more abuse WITH or WITHOUT them in your life. What would you NEED to finally make the connection that Narcissists do not have ANY emotional depth or reality and the image they presented to you was a HUGE vicious betrayal and con-job? They have emotions because everyone else in the world that they live in has emotions, so they have to pretend to have emotions and everything else that makes a human being normal, so they can fit into OUR existence and get into our lives and heads. YES, you probably miss them, but seriously ask yourself WHAT IS IT THAT YOU MISS? Look at where you are because of your connection and answer that question honestly. You miss what you thought was real, but you don’t miss being abused and damaged and that is all you will ever get from your relationship with them! NO/minimal contact and take their power away from them forever.

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

It is all about supply and demand in the world of a Narcissist! We are the ‘supply’ and the Narcissist demands that we serve all of their needs!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

For any victim/target, the process of understanding this abuse is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you so much of your time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem, your career or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to this relationship. It may have become your entire life, even having a family with a Narcissist. For the Narcissist however, the whole process isn’t really personal AT ALL! The Narcissist WILL do the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him/her into their intimate life. We are all reduced and considered as OBJECTS and supply and we are just one of many be it from their past or even their present since they can and do have multiple sources of supply in their life. Life is a department store where the Narcissist shops for the SPECIFIC supply they desire – but they would be more aptly described as “shoplifters” because they feel completely entitled to take whatever they desire AND when they desire it – AND shopaholics because they are addicted!

They will do it again and again to everyone they seduce into their lair of manipulation, lies, and betrayal. It’s not about you or me, and it is not about the other people involved who are new/extra supply, the many partners they were with, the minions the Narcissist employ in their game and set against you, or the many ‘others” the Narcissist used to make you compete and/or jealous – all of this is supply to validate the Narcissist’s ego, to give him/her pleasure, to meet his/her fickle needs. No one source of supply means anything more or less than any other supply. When you realize this is is shocking or better yet traumatizing to accept yet alone believe!

The Narcissist wasn’t with them (the new/extra or any supply) because they are/were superior to you so you have to get that thought completely out of your head and heart. The Narcissist was with them for the same reason that he/she was with you or me – to extort and use them, perhaps for different purposes than the Narcissist used you, but with the same devastating effect – debilitating abuse. The Narcissist will invariably treat others in a very similar way to how he/she treated you. Idealize, devalue and discard – or how the Narcissist utilizes and processes their targets/victims into what we believe is a ‘relationship’ to secure or harvest supply – then move on to the next. It was/ is and will always be only about the Narcissist’s need to extort people and life. Our abuse is the outcome of the process (idealize, devalue and discard). They win us over with their pathological seduction to control us and USE US to satisfy all their needs for as long as you stay with the Narcissist. WE ARE ALL SUPPLY AND TEMPORARY.

So WHY does a Narcissist idealize their targets in the first place. Why do they invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? Well this is what makes up the components of the abuse as well as defines them as predators, extortionists and the abusers they are. Basically, they need us to survive in this world because they have no alternative because they are a part of this human race but they do NOT think or act like us. They must put on a façade of normalcy to fit in or else be exposed.

So, with that in mind the obvious response would be that they do it for security or constant and ‘longer term supply.” Perhaps they do it because they can’t get close to people to secure supply with their TRUE psychopathic nature – SO IT IS A NEEDED PART of the big con job by concentrating their energy on ONE PRIMARY SOURCE and hopefully locking them in long term to always have a steady source readily available. It is the psychopathy that goes hand in hand with their personality disorder – and it is how they are wired! Whenever a Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because he/she wants something from that person and THEY WILL EXTORT IT OUT OF THEM!

It all depends on what the Narcissist wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him/her. If the Narcissist wants some sort of semblance of order and respectability or a façade of diversion behind which he/she can hide his/her TRUE and perverse nature to appear harmless and normal, he/she may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. If all he/she wants is to have some fun, it will be over within a short period of time, maybe even a couple of hours. If the Narcissist wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he/she may stay with you for as long as you excite him/her. It may even be a relationship so that the Narcissist can climb up the ladder of success in their career and they will target and charm THOSE people that will help them achieve their goal. If it is to secure an army of ‘minions’ to support the Narcissist’s façade they will create these relationships to avoid exposure. Despite the differences or the length of time or timeline that the Narcissist remains with ANY supply, what will remain constant is that eventually, you’ll be discarded as soon as you no longer serve his/her needs.

They do enjoy the chase, the seduction and the betrayal. They relish creating the illusion that they’re something they’re not because it is all part of their psychopathic ego feeding process and being a Narcissist. They also enjoy observing how they dupe others into believing all of their fiction – AND THE REWARDS ARE GREAT FOR THE NARCISSIST – all the supply they can get through their lies and manipulation. This isn’t just psycho-babble it is the clinical truth and it is horrendous to actualize the truth when you are the one being duped, extorted, conned, etc. AGAIN, when the Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because they want something from that person – that is all there is to it – the rest of it is HOW they con you into this role as their source of supply.

The CLINICAL research does confirm that Narcissists suffer from a lack of empathy as well as the EMOTIONS that would be directly related to somebody that HAD empathy, so that makes their bonding superficial, at best. When they want something or someone, they pursue that goal with all their might. You are a means to an end or a SOURCE of SUPPLY to feed their many needs. You were never idealized for YOURSELF, but for something else you had OR supply as it concerns this personality disordered Narcissist. But when their goal is actually you/us – then their pursuit feels very REAL because we are being SEDUCED and conned. They will even get married to pull us into this huge con or big lie and that gives them a lifeline to you/us legally and emotionally for their constant chaos and crazy making.

Temporarily we represent the object of their desire, the answer to their needs, the love of their life and the key to their happiness – remember they can’t do any of this on their own because of their psychopathic nature and lack of all empathy so they need other normal humans. But this feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s empty to the core, they are COMPLETELY empty – a big needy void. Add to this that they are addicts and supply is their drug, so they are always off and looking for the next fix! All of this pretty much fuels their out-of-control lifestyle. As we’ve observed, once the Narcissist feels they have you in their grasp AND once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on them, they GET BORED with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. We are THEIR supply in this psychopathic manipulation, and they are NOT going to be ‘our’ supply or give anything to us in return – this is a one-way street. So inevitably they are going to move on when we try to make this “relationship” real in a manner that we are a VIABLE part of it and have needs – that is when the devaluation and the blame is turned onto the victim. They are not in a relationship that grows in a normal manner, they are in a delusional and contractual agreement with every other human being that states we will SUPPLY the Narcissist with EVERYTHING they desire and expect NOTHING in return except for emotional and psychological abuse that can disable a victim’s core beliefs. No/minimal contact is the only way out! Greg

The Narcissist is chameleonlike and camouflages itself with intoxicating CHARM, so they basically get away with virtual psychological murder. They are good at it too. They even use it to get people to love them, so they can violate them emotionally and psychologically. Nobody is impervious to the Narcissists CHARM because they use it in every walk of life to get EVERYTHING they want and at all costs.

This chameleon nature of the Narcissist is a façade, false self or the ‘mask that they PRESENT to the real world that FOOLS us but allows them to get by or pass as normal and even likeable in public, but they are cruel, nasty dictators, terrorists, and abusers in their private lives AND behind people’s backs. They often have incredibly dysfunctional and damaged family lives and it is not uncommon for them to have multiple relationships or ‘past’ partners (that they still use as “extra” supply on the side), or ex’s that they harass and stalk relentlessly. Most have a long pattern of cheating on their partners. They are toxic and destructive individuals pure and simple and THEY NEVER CHANGE. It is so very unfortunate that we fell for their façade and believed in them because the association we had with them was purely destructive to us and damaged so many levels of our lives.

The Narcissist sneakily back stabs people continually throughout their disordered life. To them it is control and power over others. They will consistently demonstrate their power with back handed and insulting behavior toward others AND in ALL walks of life. They will utilize behaviors like talking people down, or making them the brunt of a rude and demeaning joke, making fun of them, totally ignoring or silencing them, being late for important events, simply not attending or walking out of events, avoiding being a team player at all costs, refusing to consult or ask for help and just acting out ON THEIR OWN SELF ACCLAIMED AUTHORITY. There are absolutely NO RULES that they follow, so there is never accountability either, and in fact that always gets displaced onto us through blame and shame because the Narcissist is the eternal victim of life. They will use BLAME everybody else as another tool to displace and divert from the truth of how disordered they are,

There is no having any type of a real relationship with a Narcissist, you may be in what you believe is a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you – you are Narcissistic supply or a working component in their life. You are only there to make them look good or because you are useful to the Narcissist as an object to satisfy a need. Nothing is ever internalized with a Narcissist like emotional bonds, caring, love or EMPATHY – it is ALL about them. Their world is totally external, and everyone is objectified like a shiny new car that the Narcissist drives/wears to make them look however special they feel they need to be AND as a tool to make THEIR life look shiny bright and work. Their image is a fake aspect of their chameleon like nature – and it constantly changes just like the chameleon changes its colors to blend into an environment. Pretty shrewd how they magically turn into whatever they need or want to be – but very deceptive and dangerous!

The Narcissist constantly violates boundaries albeit physical, emotional, and mental. They follow no rules in life, or respect human dignity/rights, or adhere to any written laws. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or take/steal anything that belongs to others. Ownership is their birthright or so they feel because they are above the normal order of life – remember THEY make all the rules. If they want it, they will take it. They will violate your standing with figures of authority in an effort to cause trouble/destruction or just to ‘one up’ you. They are truly extortionists and they take everything and anything they can get their hands on from all walks of life. BUT remember this chameleon camouflages itself with CHARM – so they get away with virtual psychological murder because they have been doing this all of their lives and they are just that good at it – they even use it to get people to love them, so they can violate them emotionally and psychologically. The people that know the truth about them are mostly their targets/victims – the rest become their minions at some useful level that they charm into believing just how special they are, AND they protect the Narcissist’s lies and disordered life – they are the enablers of their abuse.

Every target/victim or behavioral health professional will say the best way to cope with a Narcissist is to get as far away from them as you can, and as fast as you can and firm it up with NO CONTACT or minimal contact if you must stay connected to them.

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

N0/Minimal Contact – A little field guide to help you through the insidious process and BREAK FREE from their PRISON of ABUSE!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

A Narcissist wants you to react to their hurtful behaviors, so they can feel righteous, indignant, powerful, in control – AND they will even mimic a ‘make believe’ hurt and justification when they need to blame or dump their shame onto us – just all part of their delusion and ABUSE. If you don’t react, that upsets them, too AND they lose their POWER over you. Remember, ultimately, there is no winning with them AT ALL while you stay engaged with them in a relationship OF ANY SORT. You CAN win by NOT giving a Narcissist the reaction he/she wants, disengaging, and if you can do it (AND YOU SHOULD) ending the relationship so you can recover your soul, self-esteem, worth and life. Maintaining any level of hyper-vigilance and behavioral maintenance or trying to fix them or the situation, helping them in some way, etc., is just too emotionally, physically and psychologically exhausting and DESTRUCTIVE with a Narcissist or basically impossible. So here are some thoughts on how to disengage, move on, recover, be free, enjoy your life, and be able to move forward and join reality once more.

So, let’s start by using one of the Narcissist’s tools – and that is DEVALUING. It is our turn to devalue the Narcissist and hold them accountable for EVERYTHING they have done – and our devaluation isn’t done in a manner to abuse as a Narcissist does to their targets/victims – it is exposing the truth about what they did and what they are. Accountability has to go back to DAY ONE – and what a great deal to accomplish since their abuse spans the entire relationship from the first day they sized us up for abuse – but it is the truth and the reality WE MUST ACCEPT. A little caution by holding them accountable you may get some major strikes from the Narcissist with raging, yelling, hideous insults, accusations, etc., things you are probably already familiar with! The Narcissist won’t admit you are right, nor accept responsibility for their abusive behaviors, lies, and distortions. You also won’t get the validation, vindication, or closure you long for, BUT it puts the truth foremost and that truth will build a great wall that will stand between you and the Narcissist. That wall empowers you and protects you from the Narcissist trying to pull you back into more abuse. The truth WILL light your way to recovery and freedom!

Don’t start a huge argument with them ever – like an all-out yelling match. Don’t get in the Narcissist’s face the way he/she gets or got in yours. IF and when you find yourself engaged in one of their atrocious or chaotic arguments – calmly and clearly bring it all back to the real facts and turn it back onto them AND leave it there. Commit to simple and realistic phrases like these and even memorize them – “That’s not true.” “I won’t admit that’s true no matter how angry you get.” “That’s not how I remember it, THIS is what really happened.” The Narcissist will probably continue to talk or shout over you, change their story as they continue yapping their psychopathy at you AND in your face. The Narcissist will deny things ever happened and/or call you a liar, but that still doesn’t change the facts of their behaviors and events. By changing your thoughts and approach you are in command of your reality and those chaotic emotions they try to stir up. The TRUTH is like putting a mirror in front of a vampire and revealing that THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REFLECTION OF A REAL IMAGE. That is what happens when the truth is exposed – we realize that their image was fake, a big lie, and all part of a plan to extort and harm us with their well-rehearsed cycle of abuse. DISENGAGE and set yourself free – you are not a prisoner!

If you can’t achieve no-contact, because of children or whatever reason prevents you from getting there, remember this – CHOOSE your battles very wisely. You can’t respond to everything the Narcissist says, does or demands. You just can’t because that is and always has been part of their game plan – and now you get it finally, so disengage from it – PLUS there aren’t enough hours in the day to listen to the Narcissist’s crazy making and chaos. Figure out your bottom line as it concerns necessary contact with them. Make some concessions on small issues to allow the Narcissist to feel like their “winning” and stick to your guns on the big and real issues that have an effect on your normality. This will help to preserve your sanity. Embrace – better yet grasp onto your OWN reality and hold onto it for dear life and DON’T LET GO because that Narcissist is trying to drag you back into their darkness, control you and abuse you.

Contain any and all emotions. Whatever you do, DON’T ask a Narcissist to explain their feelings because they HAVE NONE – all you do with any question is give them direction on how to manipulate the situation AND you will only get more lies, diversions, more betrayal and whatever else they can pull out of their bag of tricks to reel you back into abuse. DON’T express your emotions EVER, because it will become another trap. If you tell that shrewd Narcissist what you’re thinking and feeling, it will be held and used against you now and in the future. Remember they will want to accuse you of many negative things to gain control of your emotions especially when they start realizing you mean business and are moving on – don’t give them any more fuel to devalue you OR use against you OR for their “smear campaign.”

Narcissists can’t handle their own intense emotions that is why they are buried deep inside of them and basically destroyed – all that is there is one big void – so they do not want to deal with the emotions of others nor do they even understand them. That’s why they are human PROJECTION machines – or this phrase that I have heard used by other writers – Narcissist’s react with a vile assault of “emotional projectile vomiting.” It is all of those familiar feelings like anxiety, fear, self-doubt, worthlessness, self-loathing, anger, etc. – that we have all experienced and been conditioned into accepting many times. You become the receptacle for their emotional projectile vomiting with one of their rages that is aimed directly at your spirt and self-esteem. After they deposit the contents of their highly disturbed psyche onto you (that is the clinical projection thing) then they feel better because you are now carrying THEIR toxicity for them.

So when the Narcissist starts projecting, again, don’t ever discuss their feelings—because that’s a bottomless pit—and don’t tell the Narcissist how bad he/she is making you feel because like a shark smelling blood from their prey, it will then compel the shark AND THE NARCISSIST to attack you again (that’s in addition to their initial attack). Keep everything as generic as possible.

The long and short of it is that you must DETACH FROM THE OUTCOME. You can’t control the Narcissist, nor can you make them change. All you can do is make choices for yourself, decide how much you can tolerate, set boundaries, and decide when enough is enough and end the relationship. You cannot be their emotional prisoner because it is NOT a viable or workable situation. Any connection with them is smothering, manipulative, controlling, disabling, dehumanizing, traumatizing, and destructive. So, LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS or completely shut them off with your Narcissist. Expecting anything real or positive from a Narcissist will only lead you to feel worthless, blamed, shamed, broadsided, perpetually disappointed, and hurt. Run away and never look back if you can.

For all their FAKE crocodile tears and hyper-sensitivity ALWAYS remember that Narcissists are emotional predators and bullies so what you are seeing is just more of those FAKE responses to elicit a response from you and divert from reality ONCE AGAIN. If you stay in a relationship with a Narcissist the best you can expect is more of the same. You may achieve some periods of peace, but at what cost – total denial of the truth and more ABUSE. There is nothing there for you, not even a real person.

What will become powerful and long-lasting is the desire and implementation of no/minimal contact and your total emotional FREEDOM as well as your sanity from an abusive Narcissist. There is such a repulsion and indignity you will feel because now you know the truth of someone abusing you in a manner to make you believe that they are/were acting out of love and a commitment to you and possibly even a family you created together. It is grotesque to say the least to KNOW their con and big lie. Finally, you are beginning to see the soulless and predatory creature that would damage your life or anybody’s life (even their own biological children) in an effort to fulfill all of their needs in the perverse and out-of-control manner that they live. If you remain resolved and steadfast in your “no/minimal contact” the temptation to listen and believe the Narcissist definitely lessens and diminishes in time. THEN, in its place grows a new way of processing the abuse and your past with the Narcissist that will no longer allow this disordered person to dictate the terms of your inner and outer life. Now you have a real choice in a way you never had when your mind and emotions were held HOSTAGE while being expertly and methodically psychologically terrorized – or ABUSED if you will. No/minimal contact to find your way back to life. Greg

Some in-depth thought on this whole scenario the Narcissist set up JUST for us. Information, knowledge, and education is power!

There is absolutely NO responsibility or accountability on their part for anything they do because there are no internal mechanisms that regulate their thoughts or actions – NONE. This is about a person that ONLY identifies with external things or OBJECTS and creates an agenda to achieve their goals with everyone. Couple that with the fact that they do not live in accordance with any written or unwritten laws (common decency to other humans), and they act on every impulse that they have without an iota of care when they harm the very person that loves them in the process – it just doesn’t matter to them. Consequently, they lack any and all morals as far as their sexuality is concerned and have multiple partners, they are pathological liars, manipulators, thieves, ETC. – just the truth about WHO they really are!

Absolute control of their partner or victim is the goal of the Narcissist to extort supply which is MANY different things in every walk of life. Here is the thing, this is very difficult to identify and understand in the beginning of a relationship with a Narcissist because they are among every other thing, the world’s best CHARMER and CON artist. They mean to con us with their fake love/caring, as well as manipulate our mind, destroy our integrity, try to achieve financial gain with OUR finances, destroy our self-esteem, and get after anything else they can get their grubby little hands on – so the game is on with THEM or better yet THIS is their real agenda with ALL people – and there are MANY other sources that we are NOT aware of. They are doing this to every person they come in contact with or looking for ‘gains’ and acting on it to benefit themselves at every level of their life.

Let’s understand this completely: The Narcissist idealizes his/her victim for a while just like ‘courting’ in the ‘old’ days. This ‘courting’ period is the most important aspect of the ‘big con’ that the Narcissist is creating personally for ALL of us – it is an investment for them. The Narcissist brings out the best in their target AND mirrors our good qualities back to us to make that all-important connection or FAKE bond. This could be the very reason we think our Narcissist is so AMAZING — because he/she is mirroring our belief system, our code of ethics, our every like and dislike, our morality, and they become a part of our family and circle of friends. They are a dream come true, but the dream swiftly turns into a nightmare. We are only seeing ourselves being reflected back to us as if the Narcissist has everything in common with our life. These character traits are NON EXISTANT in the Narcissist and this is an insidious betrayal on their part to gain our trust through pretending to be real, as well as faking and imitating real emotions in ANY type of relationship with them. Remember we develop that undying trust that is built on OUR belief in them and THAT is what creates the bond with them. They mean to do this, AND it is their goal so they can extort our lives and twist our minds to destroy what they can.

We thrive for a time on this amazing adulation from the Narcissist. What human being doesn’t want to be cared for, valued, treasured, recognized at a level where another person falls in love with us or LIKES us, and vice versa? It is easy to be enticed and trapped by all this because we grew up with close friends, and even those fairytale love stories, with role models that reinforced a loving and growing relationships for life or as near as we could get to that. That Narcissist knows exactly where to aim to gain our complete trust!

Why did we care so much that we tormented ourselves into thinking that it was us and not them? It is all the manipulation that is laid out for us like a road map, STARTING with manipulating us into liking/loving them. Let’s just say that if they are that good to get us to love/like them, they are going to do equally well or better to get us to believe we are worthless when they manage us down, devalue, control, and then discard us. Almost like a psychological experiment where conditioning is used to train a rat to press a bar to get a treat. After that rat learns that pressing the bar is good and a treat will follow, the researcher now changes the game and shocks the rat intermittently when it presses the bar. That poor rat was conditioned to believe whole ‘rat-heartedly’ to trust its wonderful friend and provider for that food pellet, and now what happened. So that rat just keeps pressing the bar to see if it can get a treat – and it does every so often, but more than often it gets shocked now – but it just keeps trying and trying again without the slightest knowledge of why things changed. That is conditioning in its most basic form – but the real rat here is the Narcissist and you better believe that the Narcissist is going to shock the “ba-gee-bee’s” out of us too.

Accordingly, it is easy to falsely blame yourself or to simply justify their bad behaviors. BUT it is through careful observation that you begin to perceive the true intent of the Narcissist’s hideous manipulative actions. Unfortunately, the Narcissist has to REEL YOU IN to accomplish his/her abusive agenda and they are very stealth characters when it concerns getting supply. The abuse is slow and hideous, and the Narcissist puts a great deal of time to set the target/victim up in the exact manner to bleed them dry of whatever they are after – and with the Narcissist investing so much time and energy they most certainly want what they came for and take it – SUPPLY. What I have always said the CHARM/love-bombing is the MOST manipulative and discerning aspect of this abuse because it sets us up in the trap that was laid out for us. They are just that good to know how to manipulate a person into ‘falling in love or liking them’ and using that as the key to unlock our heads/hearts and THEN they start disassembling our mental abilities (psychological terrorism), as well as destroying every other aspect of our lives that they can. This is serious stuff my friends and something the world needs to see ‘in living color’ so it is understood that this is a well-articulated plan on the part of a disordered person – perhaps premeditated – but let’s just say they KNOW what they are doing and never forget they LIE, LIE, LIE to cover up their abusive actions when they discard EACH AND EVERY target/victim. NO/minimal contact to get back to reality and a healthy life!

Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

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