They are magicians that use ‘smoke and mirrors’ to get you to BELIEVE in their magic – but in the end, you realize it was ALL hocus-pocus!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
Narcissists are very cunning creatures and it is virtually impossible for a ‘normal’ person to wrap their head around this because Narcissists can and do act as if they are perfectly normal, and SANE! Then the question arises as to how they can keep up the many charades with different people as well as how they are able to lie so easily, hurt people, and not have any remorse?
So how do they do this? They compartmentalize situations, people, and events completely and keep them separate. Narcissist are very private about their world because it is filled with so many secrets and lies! Secrets and lies that consist of information that is potentially negative and destructive to their lives AND with us if the truth is revealed and the Narcissist is exposed as the monster they are! Basically, this is what a liar would have to do or be exposed for what they are – Narcissists are very adept at doing this because it is their complete façade and lifestyle – or everything they do is based on deception. They don’t just deceive the world part-time – this is their full-time lifestyle and basically a career for them!
If their twisted lifestyle or the secrets/lies are revealed either accidentally or purposefully it will cause great chaos or perceived harm to the Narcissist and those faithful minions that support them and it would essentially destroy their world. The Narcissist doesn’t care about what YOU or I feel, they only fear the exposure of just how distorted, perverted, and abusive their world is and that they are in this for gain not relationships or bonding. Narcissists will use drama, rage, threats, fear, and deflection tactics by ALWAYS blaming everyone else for their deceptive behavior as well as creating great confusion with stories that just don’t make sense. The Narcissist I dealt with could put a spin on a story to cover up a lie without hesitating – it just came naturally like breathing air.
Narcissists are also very adept at minimizing their own blame or culpability and are skilled at transference, or the art of transferring blame to anyone close by or connected to the situation. The Narcissist will appear to apologize or use their distorted manipulation and tell you exactly what you want to hear to lead you to believe that the secret you found out is an isolated occurrence and it just happened through circumstances ‘out of their control’ or they were set up. It is all BS and there are so many other occurrences that you just don’t know about yet, but if you do find out about them it will be the same old excuses that the Narcissist was wronged, someone else is lying, etc. They have many lives going on and many lies as well. You will ‘get this’ one day as I unfortunately did and it is a horrendous revelation when the truth is right there in front of you and your jaw is dropping to the ground in disbelief!
Narcissists have a lot of internal shame driving them because of their inability to live outside of their out of control fantasy world. They are like magicians that create their false magic with smoke and mirrors, but the Narcissist uses their words and lies so quickly and effectively in an effort to confound or confuse our ability to see or hear the very lies that are right in front of us. They are not fully functioning human beings and they completely lack empathy and do not know love, but they need us to satisfy their needs like we need air to breath. This is why they con the world into believing they are WHAT THEY AREN’T!
Furthermore, Narcissists will keep many, many secrets from EVERYONE close to them and spin such intricate webs of lies that are tailor made for each person in their life AND that is why you feel so special and like YOU are the only one BUT they are telling stories to many people and none of us are special. They will also play one side against the other by triangulating to divide and conquer to keep that truth separate by keeping people and relationships separate. It is purely a diversion tactic that they create between people. Narcissists will also play the victim card BIG TIME as if THEY were the one that was taken advantage of without knowledge and fell into a situation and couldn’t help what they did because they are the honorable one that took the fall for someone else! They are also very adept at spinning lies around a little bit of truth especially as it concerns PAST relationships or their many PRESENT lies and betrayal. My Narcissist had to work overtime to cover up the disastrous turmoil that this Narcissist caused to an ex-spouse and family! I even had the ex-spouse COME TO MY HOUSE while the Narcissist was there with me.
So, in reality Narcissists have compartmentalized their many relationships with this deluded superficiality but it is all lies, deception and there is no real intimacy attached to us or anybody in these relationships with them. If everyone that knew the Narcissist got together in the same room and openly talked, the Narcissist would be completely exposed or BUSTED. This is why the Narcissist uses compartmentalization to divide and conquer. NOBODY becomes the wiser to all of the deceit and lies that exist in their world with the Narcissist. The Narcissist effectively keeps the past from catching up with the present and this creature is ALWAYS on top of their game being ten steps ahead of everybody else to hide their distorted lies and lives. Free yourself from the Narcissist and those wedges completely disappear and the distorted truth comes out loud and clear! What is the coefficient here? The Narcissist that creates these wedges between you and everybody else!
The Narcissist is so deeply invested in his/her image and will do whatever it takes to protect themselves from exposure. Their actions are so extreme to maintain their false illusions they have created and it becomes a matter of self-preservation and the Narcissist will think nothing of destroying your self-esteem, self-worth, reputation and integrity to protect themselves. Their lies catch up with them eventually and we end up in the trash heap with every other target/victim that dared demand accountability. This IS THE FATE of every relationship with a Narcissist. They are very calculating and exacting at retaining their ability to survive as the predator they are so they can continue to find prey. It is a matter of survival, otherwise if their true distorted personality were apparent they would be like a fish out of water (a shark.)
Of course, it goes without saying that all of their distorted efforts or the many secrets, lies and deceptions that support their lifestyle make it impossible for a person to sustain any sort of an emotional bond with them or even a simple relationship. This is due to the fact that the many lies pile up to a point that they take on a life of their own that eventually becomes so apparent to the target/victim. In other words, the Narcissist is never that adept to cover up their reality because it is just too distorted for them to maintain any semblance of a relationship with anybody. They are SO out of control and careless that they can’t keep up with their own lies with any one person. They can fake it for as long as we BELIEVE them, but in time the truth lights the way and their honorable mask falls off and shatters from the many lies that weight it down! But again, they will use horrid manipulation to make you fear their retribution and keep you strung along in their abuse until they are DONE with you. Unfortunately, they will also try to destroy your integrity in an attempt to put all of the blame on YOU so they can escape and find their next viable source of supply with a new story, new lies, and a plethora of charm to create the Narcissistic magic one more time. No/minimal contact! Greg
What are we grieving? The many stages of comprehension. This is a longer read but an important one that you can absorb over the weekend.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
It all begins with the nightmare of going from being in love (idealized) to being hated (devalued and discarded.) Then discovering the web of deceit and lies at so many levels. Next coming to terms with understanding that you were only an object or Narcissistic Supply and somehow that has to make REAL sense to you. You begin to understand that everything you shared in your past, the memories, dreams and plans were corrupted by the Narcissist’s disordered agenda AND this relationship/love was only real to you! Then you realize what was real to this Narcissist was an agenda to extort what they could through this manufactured love AND THEY USED YOU. You hear a term called gas-lighting which basically describes someone (your Narcissist) trying to make you believe you were mentally disordered or INSANE!
You realize that you don’t have the ability to create real closure. You are not able to let go with love but instead you HAVE to let go with an ‘understanding’ that the person you loved is severely damaged and dangerous and you have to somehow accept and live with this. Your belief system is completely shattered. You hear your Narcissist boasting about having sex with a new person, or perhaps married, or they gone on with their life so quickly, and they are BRAGGING about it to intentionally hurt you and now that feels like a NEW stab to your heart. You start to get nostalgic for what could have been and you only lose touch with the reality that they are disordered and you start questioning yourself AGAIN. You wonder what it is that YOU did wrong. It is a vicious back and forth cycle that only leaves you so confused and frozen in time. All of these thoughts and more become a part of detaching from this monster BUT unfortunately the coefficient that you loved them is in the mix as well and you are vulnerable and broken! The Narcissist is woven into your memories and your life in very conflicting ways and it is just too confounding BUT TODAY YOU REALIZE THAT NONE OF IT WAS REAL!
You would have to take a course in psychology that deals with personality disorders to completely internalize that they are a Narcissist and disordered to understand the rationale behind this abuse. You probably have never even heard of a Narcissist or associated them with psychological/emotional abuse AND that you were with one. On the other hand, you still have many mixed messages from this Narcissist saying that YOU are the disordered one here and to blame for everything, so you ARE questioning your own mental capacity trying to establish where the real problem lies. IS IT YOU OR IS IT YOUR EX? It is like being on a roller coaster ride through hell and you have to figure all of this out on your own. You have to somehow put this all together in a short period of time going from loving this person to now accepting that they ARE the predator and you were prey. It is just an insurmountable feat to pull this together in your mind especially when you are already so vulnerable and worn down by the many years of this abuse. BUT NOW you start to realize that you were a target/victim of emotional and psychological abuse and that is just a new level of confusion and more that you have to deal with and somehow sort out.
Narcissists can be your mother/father, brother/sister, wife/husband, boyfriend/girlfriend, the mother/father of your biological children, a friend, or boss, and more than likely you have spent MANY years with them as well. You may be financially or legally connected to them. You need a lot of time and an education to process this. You start crawling your way out of this and then you realize that this Narcissist has BRANDED YOU as the abuser, defective, mentally ill, as well as destroyed your integrity by using familiarity against you. They are out there SMEARING your good name to everyone that is important to you. You are really starting to see this monster behind the mask and you LOVED this creature? This is more like psychological rape and you are left there alone to pull yourself together and find some sort of help, but where do you start and what fires do you put out first. It is no longer a matter of the denial, it is reality and you have to face this and try to function in your day to day world as if you are the healthy individual you once were. You end up stumbling and picking yourself up over and over again! It seems like there is no end to this and then anxiety and depression set in.
When you start out on the journey to recovery you are faced with some very difficult objectives and that is picking up all the pieces of your shattered life and trying to put them all back together again. It would be akin to trying to put your house together after a hurricane totally destroyed it. Everything that WAS your life and memories are now shattered and strewn over a hundred-mile radius. You try to sift through the rubble and damage to save what you can but it is almost impossible to dig in AND through all the piles of debris to find anything familiar or savable. Your whole world is so distorted from the damage that this hurricane caused and you can only see the resulting damage from this disaster and now you have to put this all back together to achieve a cohesive normal ‘YOU’ again and basically do it all by yourself! You basically feel fearful from all of the uncertainty that lies before you.
You start the process of recovery in disbelief, fear, and shock! The shock in essence numbs you temporarily from going completely insane by giving you the ability to separate yourself from the totality of this disaster or some breathing room – it is nature’s sedative. Once the dust settles though you start to see the whole picture standing before you and now reality sets in. As you are setting out on this journey your emotions are going to be overwhelming as you try to understand all of this and they get in the way and confuse you. You are trying to sort through pure chaos and you are going to respond to it with tremendous ambivalence, anger, hatred, vengefulness, and MANY other negative feelings. Along with this you will be doing some deep soul searching trying to put perspective on so many opposing thoughts that don’t correlate with the love you believed in AND it creates a huge void and a great sense of being so lost and alone in all of this.
Your reactions are actually quite normal and this is just you being human with confusion, emotions, and empathy striving to find that cohesiveness. You are dealing with two CONFLICTING realities – you were in love and believed it was real for so long, but the reality is that there never was a real person there that loved you because it was a manufactured love and hideous con job because this person was severely disordered. You MUST experience all of these feelings and crazy emotions to move forward to understanding the REAL ‘whys’ as they concern all of this. Even as confusing as all of this is it is a necessary process to actualize and organize what you can! This is how you move forward and that is a learning process that includes the truth that has disabled you in the first place.
You MUST learn everything you can about this disorder and the psychopathy of a pathological Narcissist. You are not dealing with a so called normal breakup where two people move forward with closure. You are having to leave this relationship and whatever love you believed in with ONY an understanding of something very unfamiliar to you (a Narcissist/psychological abuse.) This will all come together when you start to see the patterns emerge and get that ‘ah ha’ moment. This is where you connect the dots and where you begin to bridge your situation to being abused by a Malignant Narcissist! There is nothing normal with abuse nor do you have much experience from your past to compare this to unless you were a victim of this abuse before. You are dealing with hardcore psychopathy here and a personality disorder. This is exactly why you have such a hard time wrapping your head around all of this! This is real and you need a helping hand to put a perspective on all of this.
You will return to the past to recall, remember and review many details. This is not you obsessing but instead a viable part of the process that is very necessary for recovery and healing. This is all new material and you are starting from square one to internalize what this abuse is and connecting it to what you thought existed but did not exist (the love, relationship, memories, dreams, goals, etc.) So, you must actualize what really existed and replace those emotional connections with the stark reality of the truth. You must now emotionally detach yourself from the disordered Narcissist that you loved and grasp the reality of this massive deception that eroded your being and world. It is hard to separate from the emotions and accept the reality of the situation, BUT you have to tell yourself that you loved a monster. You didn’t know they were a monster, because they are predators that manipulate their prey into the abuse. BUT every time you start remembering the love you believed in, you must now turn those thoughts around and say that you were psychologically and emotionally raped by a monster and predator. You can’t be kind with your thoughts and give the Narcissist the benefit of the doubt because there are NO doubts that Narcissists are destructive abusers to everyone. ANY benefit of the doubt that you allow the Narcissist only keeps you connected to the abuse and will not allow the closure you so desperately need to move forward! You were a target/victim of ABUSE!
You must constantly tell yourself and reinforce that this was not a normal or real person that COULD love you. You have to accept that it was a huge lie and most importantly that it had nothing to do with you because the Narcissist managed you down to believe that you are to blame and the disordered one! You HAVE to accept that it did happen to you and there is no rhyme nor reason to it because Narcissists are character disordered and in a class of their own. They are dangerous to human beings and destructive and you are so FORTUNATE to be FREE of them. You are a testament to this very fact because you have experienced their psychological abuse and have been severely damaged by a relationship with them. You have to completely switch off from thoughts that pull you into believing they will change or you can fix them – YOU CAN’T!
Now you have to actualize that there is so much goodness in you and seriously that is what this Narcissist wanted to own and destroy and that is why they targeted you. You ARE a good person and probably an AMAZING person so don’t ever lose touch with this because the Narcissist told you differently. They are disordered and negative and they live with this premise to make everyone else around them unstable by managing them down. THIS is what psychopaths do to their targets, manage them down to nothingness to control them.
You have to create a discipline to stop looking at the ‘what ifs’ or ‘could I have done this or that’ or that somehow you caused this abhorrent treatment. You have to stop yourself from trying to obtain information about what they are doing through social media, OR trying to make any type of contact with them. You seriously have to just stop thinking about them as being anything real to you and concentrate on YOU. Tell yourself that this is DONE! Yes, there are situations that you must stay in contact with them, but again you must separate the emotions and break the chain that binds you to their psychopathy and keep it to the business at hand. Ask yourself what it is you would want back (as in fixing the relationship?) Do you want to enter back into the abuse to experience more dehumanization, lies, betrayal and extortion? No of course not! Lock into this message and put your happiness first! Remember that a Narcissist will ALWAYS use chaos to pull you back into the abuse to have control over you so NEVER allow it again.
Now as far as connecting to the reasons WHY you were the target of this disordered Narcissist – in a nutshell it is because they are predators after prey pure and simple. With this type of encounter with horrendous abuse we definitely have a strong desire to re-evaluate our life and behavior. Again, this is normal and can be progressive in your recovery because it is your desire and ability to grow, transcend and move forward learning from the situation and looking inward. The encounter will provide a spark to grow and evaluate your inner self to correct anything that kept you tied to the abuse and you will correct all of that with introspection and boundaries – but that will happen once you traveled through the truth with REAL KNOWLEDGE that this was abuse and you are no longer vulnerable and caught up in the distorted emotions and confusion. Acceptance will move you forward, anything else will pull you right back into the confusion as well as more abuse and you will only have to start at square one AGAIN!
Try not to be your own therapist and psychoanalyze yourself because we are not trained to do this. Seek out a QUALIFIED therapist to do this instead if you need personalized help. Also, the world is still out there and as much as you don’t want to get back to that world you HAVE to or you will be frozen in the confusion and fear! Find people who will emotionally support you and do not make you doubt yourself. Those people who try to tell you or imply that you are somehow at fault are going to make you only start blaming yourself again. They are seriously not the people you want to help you through this. AGAIN, you are dealing with a character disordered Narcissist and they are an anomaly and aberration and NORMAL rules do not apply to them nor normal theories. You need to pull out the big guns to end this battle. Friends and loved ones are not qualified to do this. They can love and support you but they can’t fix this. You need to seek out other targets and survivors that understand.
Lastly the question or arguments of what a Narcissist is. Are they evil or disordered/sick? My thoughts are they are possibly both but it doesn’t matter. What really matters is that you recognize the pattern of this abuse so whether you believed you were abused by a demon or a personality disorder you were abused and you must free yourself of them forever. You must accept this and stop trying to figure any of this out beyond accepting the truth about their actions that describe who/what they are and diverting all of your attention to your recovery and growth! They are not going to change, rescue you or do anything but abuse you more! You can do this – I promise. No/minimal contact to start on the road to recovery, freedom and a healthy mind again. Greg
STOP believing in that Narcissist because there is absolutely NOTHING real as it concerns them and any relationship you have with them!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
I finally stopped believing when I realized I was compromising my own emotional and psychological well-being when my head just froze up with too much confusion, too many justifications to stretch my beliefs, and bending my emotions too much until they almost snapped in half to meet the Narcissist’s needs. Getting out of this horrendous relationship became my primary and only process because I was constantly spinning my wheels trying to always believe in what only amounted to lies and manipulation in EVERY aspect of this relationship with this Narcissist. This awakening AND the truth was the miracle for me that got me away from this Narcissist.
This is emotional and psychological abuse in a nutshell, a hideous and destructive daily betrayal by a disordered Narcissist. I wish I could put it into better words for those out there that are still justifying their life away and sinking deeper and deeper in this psychological abuse. Believing them only takes more and more of your reality away and they will take you down all the way if you keep believing in them and leave you with NOTHING! The only direction with a Narcissist is OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP and as far away from them physically and emotionally as you can get.
All they are doing is delivering their poison with a little sugar to make it go down your throat easier. It is the mix of their lies, manipulation, betrayal or the cycle of their psychological/emotional abuse. None of which defines us as stupid or a fool – it defines them as psychological terrorists! Narcissists are TOTALLY self-absorbed and tend to be highly charming – let’s even say they are pathologically self-absorbed. They have a constant need for admiration, and addicted to their quest to find their ‘relevance’ in any and every person they can source out and harvest even when they are in committed relationships. They view all events in terms of how the events impact and serve them and them alone. They are master manipulators and feel an “emotional high” with each new conquest. So, for an example and a quick fix to gain more admiration they may resort to “hooking up” for a one-night stand that requires very little effort on their part (especially emotionally) and it brings them a huge dose of that supply to feed that vast and needy void of a dark life. It is like us taking a daily vitamin supplement to boost our health but a Narcissist takes on lots of ‘extra’ supply for any and many reasons on the side to boost their unhealthy ego – remember supply does not have to be a sexual conquest it could be any number of things that brings them adulation or adoration. None of us have more or less significance than any other person they seduce into their agenda so please stop trying to believe in them and their lies!
Their behavior is often edgy and impulsive which can often appear exciting to people. These individuals lack all empathy and compassion unless it helps them achieve their goals, so they don’t care if they hurt their spouse, partner, girlfriend/boyfriend, etc., because their out-of-control neediness rules their world. They are unwilling to see or EVER consider anything from another person’s viewpoint. They will continue the emotional control with a target/victim until the relationship becomes too burdensome – and that interprets as the non-narcissistic partner confronting the Narcissist or demanding accountability then it is the great departure and annihilation with rage, blame, shame and projection – it is OUR entire fault of course and they will lie even more to justify this and destroy our integrity and just move on as if we never existed.
They utilize no moral code or boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity, frequently offering marriage, promises, children, OR literally whatever the target/victim “needs to hear” in order to close the deal and secure supply (both long term and ‘extra’ supply on the side). You only have to wonder why they just don’t live out their perverse lifestyle without us, but they do need us because we shield them by providing a cloak of morality and invisibility by using OUR good qualities to protect them from real exposure – we are just a part of the camouflage they wear. Narcissists ALWAYS find someone and they even develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, deceiving without stumbling over their words, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal to find ANOTHER source for supply. There is always a lonely sympathizer out there to buy their lies.
The beginning of a relationship with a Narcissist is so fantastic that one falls head over heels in love and those emotions blind sight us to the very truth that is in front of us because the ‘love bombing’ is the most dangerous tool in the Narcissist’s arsenal. As time goes by, the mask is slowly shifting and shattering, and the true face of a Narcissist slowly starts to emerge. A Narcissist can change in a blink of an eye from a loving and caring person into someone who is capable of cheating, being emotionally cold, dishonest, rude, raging and uncaring. Why? Well let’s just say they are not capable of human emotions so all we are seeing is the false image they are projecting to keep us locked up in their scam! Without empathy and love they are cut off at the knees as far as moving forward to develop anything more than satisfying themselves and they get bored and constantly look for more and better supply. There is NO SUCH THING AS A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM! It is an opportunity for them to extort all they can from whomever they can trick into their web of pathological deceit.
Even after realizing that you are dealing with a Narcissistic personality with all the cheating, lying, shouting, criticizing, raging, making fun of you, and all of the other unpleasant things that are occurring on a regular basis, it can still be incredibly difficult to break off the relationship even though you know a Narcissist is not going to change his or her behavior. Their mental hooks are buried very deep in our heads and thoughts of breaking up can create feelings of hopelessness, depression, sadness, anxiety and trauma! Remember the Narcissist has been conditioning us in a manner to confound our every thought and action. It is sometimes an impossible feat for a target/victim to wrap their head completely around just how disordered a Narcissist is so they keep going backwards and searching for answers where there are none. Where do we pull this information from because this is more than likely our first experience with a Narcissist so we defer to what we know about ‘normal’ human relationships and that is as different as apples and oranges?
Narcissists are unable to put themselves into the place of another person as far as understanding what harm they are causing them. This is because a Narcissist is totally lacking that empathy thing. Narcissists act in very cold and cruel ways towards those who are closest to them because they have no internal mechanisms to filter the harm and disdain that they really have for life – all that they have is that façade and mask that makes them SEEM to be just like us. A Narcissist acts sadistic in the full meaning of the word, being cold and insensitive towards the pain of others. Narcissists simply avoid accessing any mental “tools” that would personally blame them and just deny their behavior is causing great pain, anxiety and depression to the people who are close to them. They justify it with ‘blaming and shaming’ through MORE projection. Basically, they feel that they deserve special attention in every aspect of their life. If they go out and have a one-night stand, it is our fault because we haven’t met all of their needs and we better get over it and start serving them in better ways than we have. Plus, they are slippery and slimy characters that aren’t going to admit to anything that deems them accountable for ANYTHING in life. Hmmm, isn’t that a cognitive process that defines them as thinking and knowing that they are doing something wrong and ‘covering’ it up to avoid exposure? Yes, so I would say that they quite possibly know exactly what they are doing and JUST DON’T CARE one iota about people.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and want to end the relationship, the most important thing you need to realize is that you are not really in love with your Narcissistic husband/wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. You fell in love with an unreal image and one that was created personally for you in the beginning of the relationship because they were setting all the images and traps for you with their ‘love bombing.” When the true nature and personality of a Narcissist starts to show up you have already become too psychologically attached to that false and delusional image they purposely created, which makes it very difficult to end the relationship. This was the Narcissists goal! Those ‘love bombing’ emotions is what has you connected at the hip to them.
You probably feel you will never find another person who can love you as strongly as this Narcissist and ‘ah ha’ that is the grand scheme or manipulation that the Narcissist created personally for you. You feel disoriented and depressed and you are trying to hold on to your relationship and make it work at any cost. But your “love” towards a Narcissist is just an illusion, a mental trap your own mind has gotten caught up in, and the Narcissist created. In reality those precious things you imagine you shared do not exist and never will. It may be hard for you to see this now if you are still with them, but believe me once the fog lifts you will see the truth that supports this in ways that will sicken you. It is the betrayal that destroys your spirit AND trust in the world and that is just another level of this abuse that prohibits you from moving forward to find a better place in your life. This will change!!
You must take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. The best thing you can do is to end the toxic relationship, which is slowly making you sick both mentally and physically. If you stay with a Narcissist or this cheater and mental abuser for too long, eventually there is no love left, only a twisted version of something that will become a debilitating and destructive routine in your life or a desperate love. Don’t waste any part of your precious life with a Narcissist because the outcome will always be disastrous and destroys so much of you. PLEASE stop believing that you can do anything to change this or fix this. However, you can fix yourself and heal from this if you allow yourself to start on this journey! Go no/minimal contact to start on your journey to recovery. Greg
The ‘relationship’ with a Narcissist – they EXPLOIT our real and precious emotions to make themselves seem normal and human, then they use this information to establish a strong foundation to create what seems like an intimate and healthy relationship BUT it is only the start of a self-serving agenda.
Narcissists are self-serving chameleons that “shape shift” into whatever they need or want to be to serve a specific agenda they have. They do not have genuinely ordered or consistent thoughts, concerns, or ANY moral codes. Morality is relative to their desires at any given moment and they act on all of them. In plain English they are extortionists and use people by manipulating them to get what they can. They have an uncanny ability to seduce to the point of ‘brainwashing’ others. They are also hypocrites in that they pass judgment on others as well as call them out for negative behaviors, when in fact the Narcissist is overtly guilty of these SAME BEHAVIORS and WORSE! All part of the HUGE mask the Narcissist wears to hide the monster behind it.
This chameleon nature is a façade or their “mask” that allows them to get by or pass as normal in public, but they are cruel, nasty dictators, terrorists, and abusers in their private lives. They often have incredibly dysfunctional and damaged family lives and it is not uncommon for them to have multiple relationships or ‘past’ partners (that they still use as “extra” supply on the side), or ex’s that they harass and stalk relentlessly. Most have a long pattern of cheating on their partners. They are toxic individuals pure and simple and THEY NEVER CHANGE.
Seriously this is all the depth there is to them and this is all we really have to understand about them – BUT unfortunately, they triggered something in us that makes us attached to them at the hip and THAT IS LOVE. They conquered us with this single word (and imitating all of the required actions to support it) so we are right there with them and believing they are real. Because we have real emotions we supported every aspect of this love. They don’t have emotions to support it back with us and this is what fails them AND us. They want what they want, they play the game, but it is short lived because they lack the necessary mechanics to give back. They get bored easily because they feel no human emotions or feelings to connect to us, but they are in it as long as they can fulfill their every need and they exhaust everything we have and then they continue on to the next target/victim. They are protecting themselves from exposure, so combine those two elements (their needs and their extreme manipulation to fulfill them) and this Narcissist becomes a raging lunatic if you should out them or make them accountable in ANY MANNER. They keep up the charade, rages and all, but they throw us a little bone to snare us back once again and then manage us down to make us feel worthless and thus disabling more of our reality. Remember if their true inner self was transparent to the world they would be rejected, writher away and die – so THAT is why they create that GRAND FACADE.
Along with this façade the Narcissist back stabs people continually throughout their disordered life. To them it is control and power over others because they NEED that control because the façade is actually very weak and it is not backed with ANY reality. They will consistently demonstrate their power with back handed and insulting behavior toward others. They will utilize behaviors like talking people down, or making them the brunt of a rude and demeaning joke, making fun of them, totally ignoring or silencing them, being late for important events, simply not attending or walking out of events, avoiding being a team player at all costs, refusing to consult or ask for help and just acting out ON THEIR OWN SELF ACCLAIMED AUTHORITY. There are absolutely NO RULES that they follow, so there is never accountability either – that gets displaced onto us through blame and shame because the Narcissist is the eternal victim of life. THIS is the true nature of what hides behind that façade!
There is no having a real relationship with a Narcissist, you may be in what you believe is a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you – you are Narcissistic supply. You are only in their life to make them look good or because you are useful to the Narcissist as an object to satisfy a need. Nothing is ever internalized with a Narcissist like emotional bonds, caring, love or EMPATHY. Their world is totally external and everyone is objectified like a shiny new car that the Narcissist drives/wears to make them look however special they feel they need to be. Their image is a fake aspect of their chameleon like nature – and it constantly changes just like the chameleon changes its colors to blend into an environment. This is what we have to understand so totally so we can completely break that belief in them – you know the one the Narcissist conned you into believing that they were real.
SO – a little bit more about what they really are and really do. The Narcissist constantly violates boundaries albeit physical, emotional, and mental. They follow no rules in life, or respect human dignity/rights, or adhere to any written laws. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or take/steal anything that belongs to others. Ownership is their birthright or so they feel because they are above the normal order of life. They will violate your standing with figures of authority in an effort to cause trouble/destruction or just to “one up” you. They are truly extortionists and they take everything and anything they can get their hands on. BUT remember this chameleon camouflages itself with CHARM – so they get away with virtual murder because they have been doing this all of their lives and they are just that good at it. The people that know the truth about them are mostly their targets/victims – the rest become their minions at some useful level that they charm into believing just how special they (the Narcissist) are AND the minions will protect the Narcissist’s lies and disordered life – they are the enablers of their abuse.
Every target/victim or mental health professional will say the best way to cope with a Narcissist is to get as far away from them as you can, and as fast as you can and firm it up with NO CONTACT. So, the next AND very important step is that you MUST come to the realization that your intuition that ‘something is/was wrong’ is the reality or truth about your relationship with them. That will open the door to all of the truth that they are disordered and not fully functioning human beings. Narcissists are excellent manipulators and they will brain-wash or can convince you that IT IS YOU, and not them that has the problem and everything is your fault AND you have abused them. That is a tactic called diversion to put the blame onto YOU! Remember they are convincing other people that it is you that is the disordered and bad person – this is part of their escape from being exposed.
You must also completely educate yourself about this personality disorder to get your ‘ah ha’ moment or you will be pulled back into the abuse with more of their lies and manipulation. Block their Narcissistic behaviors and completely ignore them and remove any Narcissistic supply that they are getting from you. They hate to be ignored, and will move on to someone else for new Narcissistic supply. They CAN and will blind sight you with crazy making and chaos and you will spend your entire life in a dance with the Narcissist until one day you wake up and you have lost sight of who you are and where your life has gone. Don’t try to reason with them because they simply refuse to confront their own behaviors or acknowledge that they have ANY problem at all. Communication with them will only create a frenzy of crazy making that will create more negativity and chaos because they live this way. You can’t rationalize with a Narcissist because where there is no reality there is no truth. Lies are the tools they utilize which are always meant to harm others and disguise their real disordered nature.
Lastly, you must Identify and build strong personal boundaries against the Narcissist or they will continually violate you. These boundaries MUST include emotional, mental, and even physical boundaries, and the boundaries MUST be strong, enforceable, and completely leak-proof. Just say no to their managing down and emotional abuse and they will become powerless!
There are situations where you HAVE to deal with a Narcissist – especially if you have children together, or they are a family member. So to cope with a Narcissist effectively you must be able to differentiate between reality and normalcy that is YOU AND YOUR REAL LIFE as compared to the constant drama, chaos and crazy making that orbits around the Narcissist constantly. You must consistently validate your own personal existence and morals, and hold on to yourself with a firm grip, never allowing the Narcissist to drag you back into the abuse by violating and controlling your emotions, thoughts, or behaviors like they have ALWAYS done. If you don’t, they will eat you alive and drag you back into the abuse with their vast array of manipulation, lies, betrayal, brain-washing and essentially psychological ABUSE!
In the end you will realize that there was absolutely nothing you gained from your relationship with a Narcissist except getting your freedom back to live a normal and healthy life again. Your empathy and emotions connected you to them at the hip – we call this “love” in a normal relationship, but unfortunately there was not even an ounce or shred of normalcy/reality in our association with them. It was a master of deception extorting every aspect of our life mentally and physically.
It will always reside in the back of your mind that somehow a monster got into your world and almost devoured you completely, as well as the fact that they still exist out there with their minions, flying monkeys or whatever we want to call the people around them that SUPPORT their abuse. None of them are worth the battle of lies and deception that will yield as the result of confronting any of them directly. They absorb the negativity that they create around them and it energizes them and then they feel powerful. They enjoy inflicting harm/destruction onto others. In my case KARMA is doing what it needs to do because the people that meant anything to me are still here and surround me with love and protection. The people that need chaos, lies, belittling, chaos, crazy making, etc., are there with the Narcissist where they belong and they mean nothing to me and have no effect on my life. There is no beautiful life that surrounds a Narcissist, only lies, illusions, delusions, and chaos – all at the cost of the ‘others’ that have any unfortunate connection with them. BE VERY THANKFUL that you are away from the abuse and learn about who you are again, because you are an amazing person that can and will survive this psychological terrorism or attack from this monster. Stay NO CONTACT at all costs and LOVE again. A Narcissist will ALWAYS take you or any person from that CHARM to HARM but always remember that ‘After Narcissistic Abuse – there is Light, Life and Love!’ Truly there is when you empower yourself with the truth. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
One of the MOST DIFFICULT concepts with this abuse is the realization that you didn’t matter in the least bit to your Narcissist! There is only one person that really matters to the Narcissist and that is himself or herself! You were only one of the many stepping stones in their life to extort supply from or take whatever you had that they wanted or needed. They objectify all human beings and basically harvest what they can from them. You never mattered when they were with you, it was totally about their needs. Within this concept comes the many tools in their arsenal of abuse that they used to keep you under their control so they could achieve supply (basically all of their lies that flowed so easily, their lack of accountability, the betrayal, manipulation, etc.) They are predators that seek out prey. It is so hard to conceptualize this truth in a manner to completely separate ourselves emotionally and physically from this person – BUT WE MUST!
We believed and went along with the Narcissist’s charming agenda because we really had NO sense of the reality of the basic truth that they were never there for us exclusively because they conned us into believing they were. Basically, Narcissist’s are pathological TAKERS. Our life lessons never included learning that loving another person should come along with a ‘WARNING’ that there are dark people (abusers/predators) out there looking for someone to drag into a trap by wearing love as a camouflage to gain our trust and then extort our emotions and everything that encompasses our reality to the point of destruction.
The truth is a Narcissist could easily be defined as being a thief of hearts and life. Trust me they are much more than JUST a thief but it encapsulates the truth behind their actions and agendas. They extort things from people and life just like a con artist does. They portray or pretend to be something they are not even remotely like, and then cash in on their manipulative agenda to TAKE everything they can and abuse you as well. My point is that a thief will break into your home and steal everything they can and they are off and running, and you are left with the loss and devastation of their invasion. A Narcissist would go a step further and burn your house down while you were still in it to make sure there is absolutely NO evidence that would link them to it. Everything with a Narcissists is a conscious act!
Take a moment and look at yourself after your abuse and then compare that to when you started out on this hideous journey with them. If you would seriously take inventory you would see so many levels of loss, to the point that this Narcissist has basically disabled you emotionally and PSYCHOLOGICALLY and this was part of their agenda or dismantling your reality so they could CONTROL you. Write everything down in a journal and make the comparison. Whatever you attempted to do in a positive manner because you believed in them was snatched up by the Narcissist and then they beat you down and made what you did wrong AND you only tried harder because there was no sense in their actions but somehow you believed that you did something wrong that needed fixed. This became a deceptive and debilitating dance with them, part of their plan to manage you down more and more so you felt that you HAD to keep giving and they just kept taking what they could or reaping all the benefits and never caring about the harm they were causing to you and your life. These are not just jerks or users, these are destructive and disordered individuals that enjoy the chaos and harm they deliver as they extort your life away from you. That Narcissist (just like the thief) has pillaged and taken everything they could, or all you had to give and then basically abandoned you for more and different supply! They conned you into believing they LOVED you to get you under their spell to do all of this!
I remember my Narcissist raging at me for no reason while we were taking a drive just to get out and see the countryside. It was nothing but a little adventure to enjoy some time together, but it turned toxic as everything always did. I remember driving and listening to all the crazy making escalate and I tried to keep silent with the hopes that it would stop, BUT it never did. It never started out with anything I did or said or did, it was the Narcissist creating avenues to manage me down and steer the day to end up in disaster. I would spend my time planning some nice things and this Narcissist would spend their time devaluing EVERYTHING I did. I would literally be raged at by the time we got home and from that point on it was walking on eggshells and I literally couldn’t wait until the Narcissist would leave – but it never ended there because it would continue with a call that kept the crazy making going so I would start the new week off with feeling worn out and in total confusion and despair. THIS IS WHAT THEY DO plain and simple – it is the devaluation they inflict on their targets.
You can’t engage in a real conversation with them that has the truth (about them) as the basis concerning their accountability in any given of these demeaning situations. A Narcissist doesn’t have a conscience or anything even near to it, so you can’t expect to have any sense of normality surrounding ANY conversation with them, yet alone the possibility you could make them understand the very truth about any of their disordered actions and lies. There is NO sense of remorse or any guilt associated with any of their actions and THERE NEVER HAS BEEN because what they do are really the functioning mechanics of who they are! So, what I can say is that you can’t enter into any arena that involves TRYING to get them to accept accountability because they turn it right around, ‘lie and deny,’ ‘blame and shame,’ and then return with a horrible rage and revenge directed at YOUR integrity. This became a day to day occurrence with me, I couldn’t even breathe right without some sort of rage that was so out-of-control that it became scary. So, a good reminder to anyone dealing with a Narcissist is that there is NO possible way that you can make them understand or accept responsibility concerning their dehumanization of people – especially when it concerns you.
Unfortunately, as I have said many times before, hindsight is 20/20. When you are still in the fog about all of the deceit you are at a loss because you can’t see or understand the overall picture of this abuse and just how damaging they are until AFTER they have moved on. Unfortunately, after the discard you are still under so many levels of this abuse so it is amazing that you can see the light of day, yet alone realize what you need to do to get away from them without all of the damage they cause. But what I can say is that ‘no contact’ will save you from a great deal of grief and help you get to more clarity as it concerns your situation so you can move forward to recovery – but it requires time so that clarity comes back to you!
No contact literally saves your life and enables to move onto clarity (and the truth) as far as it concerns your emotions AND their abusive manner that was meant to destroy you. No contact literally stops the chaos to give you the ability to think and relate to life in a normal manner or better yet start to get your normal back. No contact is not meant to be a simple phrase as if someone is telling you to “just move on,” it is a reality meant to stop the insanity or you will end up completely debilitated and destroyed. My unfortunate response to those that have to stay in contact is that any minimum contact is your only hope. If you have biological children or they are family, you HAVE to disengage from ANY emotional connection with them. In other words, you have to put up a wall that only allows you to establish parameters around important matters, and shut off anything else. Easier said than done because the Narcissist means business when it comes to getting back at you especially if they suspect that you are on to them. Mine kept up the abuse for 8 months after all was said and done and it only ended when I enforced the no contact rule.
My next suggestion is to try your hardest to seek support from a very select group of friends and loved ones that YOU CAN ultimately trust. Unfortunately, with many others we are ‘damned if we do or damned if we don’t’ respond to the many negative allegations that this Narcissist has waged against us and that can also be some of those closet people in our lives. The Narcissist will distort everything using familiarity (from knowing our innermost secrets) with vicious lies about you to protect themselves from exposure and instill fear into us. Once a Narcissist sees that you have caught on to them they will focus on destroying you and even creating horrendous lies that put you in a very precarious position. They will stop at nothing to prove that you are the source of the collapse of this relationship, a liar, loser, abusive, the person having affairs, etc., and basically the person who deserves all the blame. They can and will slander your good name and integrity. Along the same lines trying to explain your side of the story to people will make you seem crazy because our stories are incredulous! You will only feel invalidated and frustrated trying to tell the truth over and over again and hearing those dismissing comments to just move on because time heals all! You need tried and true friends to accomplish a secure and trusted support network and don’t worry about the rest of the naysayers that don’t believe you because they are not true friends and more than likely minions for the Narcissist. Your best bet is to find and connect with other survivors, a therapist that understands this abuse THROUGH a target/victim’s eyes, and group therapy if one exists in your area. Invest in yourself to get the help that is out there so you CAN and WILL move on and away from them forever!
When this abuse reaches the point that you have been abandoned or ‘you’ have left this Narcissist the truth will be very disabling and will tear at the very core of your spirit or being. Again, add to this that the Narcissist is well aware that you may retaliate, so he/she has been planning their departure many months prior to it happening and they have been doing that damage control by secretly devaluing you to most anyone that will listen! You are overloaded with emotions, and all of the lies that were spread about you by the Narcissist and it is too overwhelming and DEBILITATING! EVENTUALLY the truth will always come out, but you can’t force awareness of that truth until it happens and people will see the true pattern AND then it will work against the Narcissist. Liars have to have great memories to keep their lies straight and Narcissists always operate in a hit and run manner and get caught up in their distorted stories and they can never keep all of their lies straight – mine most certainly couldn’t! I wish I could say that you can speak openly with the truth as you know it and that will fix all of this immediately, BUT it doesn’t work that way. You have to concentrate on your recovery first and let the rest fall in place – YOU ARE FIRST in this equation so please remember this as you start out. Once you are healthy you can speak with the very truth of your abuse in mind where it is necessary.
Because Narcissists do not come with a label that exposes what they are and their agenda, you are more than likely just coming to terms with all of this recently. Our emotions are powerful and even though we have been abused we have to reconcile our very own emotions to fall out of love with them. This is where the educational aspect of learning about this personality disorder is imperative to moving forward. Closure comes from learning the truth through educating yourself about this disorder. With me I stumbled upon the information and the pieces seemed to fit together like a puzzle. From there I also stumbled upon different healing sites that offered viable AND valuable information that gave me the big ‘ah ha’ moment that what I experienced was actually abuse from a malignant Narcissist. I went through the paces of doubting myself and kept in contact with this Narcissist for 8 months after the fact. Mind you I didn’t initiate all of this contact. This Narcissist was luring me into post abuse, trying to set me up and into their big smear campaign, using any and every conversation to gain information and use against me. This shrewd creature was manipulating my words to meet certain criteria and an agenda that would make me out as being obsessed and scorned.
Just remember what they are and that they ARE dangerous! Always take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. They are running from their reality every day of their life, so never believe that they are better off. They are abusers and they destroy people and families and they will never know real love for all of eternity. Just think back to your time with them and their unyielding deception, lies, manipulation, betrayal and extorting everything they could from your life. You were never the reason the Narcissist acted like he/she did. You were a target of their abuse and so will ANYBODY else that ever has any sort of relationship with them. You were the healthy person that knows and understands what love is. You were the person that cared, believed and tried to grow with this person in a healthy manner. So again, never look back because they will only drag you into their dark world and abuse you even more. There is absolutely nothing you could possibly do to ever change them.
Today I see the truth so clearly and write about it with the hopes to arm other targets/victims with the education and knowledge so that they don’t stumble and fall backwards as I did so many times. Please no/minimal contact to start on your journey to get away from this abuse. Greg
Their love never existed because it is/was really only a reflection of OUR reality of love that they mimicked back to us in a manipulating manner as if we had so much in common to make that connection seem like it is/was a real bond.
What the narcissist needs is supply! We are supply and they need us. Their world transforms every person, in every walk of life to a need – people are reduced to objects that serve a purpose for them. If you notice that you end up helping a partner, friend, etc., constantly AND you feel you are bending your emotions constantly meeting their needs, stretching your resources financially and physically, and losing yourself in this process, this is a HUGE red flag!
I remember this in the early part of my relationship. There were many issues, many needs, problems with a divorce, issues with the Narcissist’s biological children, and substance abuse. I remember a huge red flag where I was pulled into the divorce and questioned by the Narcissist’s mother and asked for my opinion about stories around this Narcissist having anonymous sex, and the ex-spouse stating, “Nobody understands what I had to deal with!” People were reaching out to ME (a stranger) because they were desperately seeking answers to a situation that was destroying the whole family! I was also pulled into an intervention to help this Narcissist through substance abuse as well. Now I completely understand what the “ex-spouse” went through all too well!
I was basically a stranger at that point and had no knowledge about the Narcissist except that all of this seemed confusing to me BUT I was being charmed to death by this Narcissist and that ALSO blinded me to my intuition and the reality that I was dealing with a very disordered person. It seemed that everyone had issues around this Narcissist’s divorce that included brothers, sisters, in-laws and even the Narcissist’s biological children. They weren’t supporting the Narcissist – they were supporting the ex-spouse – AND the Narcissist was BLAMING the ex-spouse. All of this was reality and red flags that I should have paid attention to – but the extreme charm and love bombing blind sighted me and I was giving this Narcissist the benefit of the doubt and what a huge mistake.
I also learned early on that this Narcissist lived an out-of-control lifestyle but again I justified everything because I believed these issues would disappear. I believed the Narcissist was suffering extreme emotional damage from losing the kids, drinking and recovery, all issues that I justified as the result of a terrible divorce, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc. Yes, I know I over emphasized the ETC’s, but there were always MANY of these ETC’s. This Narcissist KNEW how to play the game and even lied to me the first day out of the AA program and that is not real recovery but the reality that this Narcissist was ONE BIG LIE, even using AA to manipulate everyone into a new façade that this Narcissist was changing.
We are people of empathy and we will extend ourselves to help others even when there seems to be so many of these ETC’s. Remember we were also charmed into believing they were good and we didn’t have enough time to actualize the REAL truth! Unfortunately, the wool was pulled over my eyes because this Narcissist was busted for infidelity – let’s say caught in one of their perverse ways! This is what this Narcissist is! I was not stupid; I was manipulated by the BEST – a NARCISSIST! ALSO there was a great deal this Narcissist could benefit with an association with me as well as my family and the Narcissist took full advantage of the opportunity! With a Narcissist it is always about getting the most of what they can from a situation to serve a particular need at that time. This is the exact pattern of how they pull us into their poor woe-be-me world with CHARM and a shiny mask to hide their pathology. We are just the NEXT in a long line of people they abuse. To add one more important point to this scenario, this same pattern became apparent when the Narcissist replaced me with new supply – now I was the abuser!
The most important aspect of this is how they objectify people and put them in a useful place to serve their every need even using people to protect them when they are in the thick of being exposed by a former victim. This can be anything from the person that is in a romantic relationship with them, friends, a co-worker, a minion to support the Narcissist’s lies, parents, and biological children – basically EVERYONE serves a purpose to keep that false mask firmly attached to the Narcissist’s head. We are players in an elaborate stage production that the Narcissist writes that should be called “My Delusional Life of Lies.”
YES, we do all have our roles – some of us are primary roles, secondary roles and bit parts – but none of us are looked upon as anything more than a reflection of the Narcissist’s needs and we are used to create a convincing and FALSE self for the Narcissist to wear, as well as serve them. They really do make the most of their delusional needs with outrageous lies, manipulation, betrayal and the whole nine yards. If we don’t play these roles in the exact manner the Narcissist deserves we are bullied back into our role or abandoned from the elaborate stage production and even punished. There are always new players added to the production as the Narcissist sees fit or for whatever opportunity may arise that serves the Narcissist’s delusional world. There is no commitment to any one person at any time or love in the least bit. The Narcissist is playing everyone from the moment they wake up until they fall asleep at night – IF they can even sleep. YES, this does include having multiple relationships as well. Unfortunately, we are always the last to know because that mask is firmly cemented onto the Narcissist with abundant charm and LIES.
This elaborate production runs and is even ‘taken on the road’ with the Narcissist EVERYWHERE as long as it draws huge crowds and pays the Narcissist’s bills (extorting us), and supplies their needs and wants. Once the Narcissist is bored with their production, or the players quit – they completely move on and re-write a new stage production for themselves with brand new characters. BUT they make sure to burn down the theater where their last production took place. Narcissists are only as successful as long as they receive supply from a support network. They are not normal functioning human beings, because their out-of-control needs always harm/destroy, cause havoc and chaos to everyone around them. They emotional beat people down and destroy lives!
Narcissist need to find people they can manipulate, even tricking them into falling in love, but the Narcissist’s version of love involves complete compliance, support, admiration, loss of freedom, basically doing everything for the Narcissist as well as dealing with their abuse. Your part in this relationship will NEVER be enough because there is not enough any one person could do for a Narcissist because the Narcissist can never feel any sort of gratification because they objectify all people – or basically use them and their needs are unending. The basis of any relationship is built on lies and that catches up with them.
This is the true nature of the Narcissist – a creature that is disconnected from people in this world because they feel omnipotent or rule supreme over everybody else and their connection to any of us is born ONLY OUT OF THEIR NEEDS and not ours. What else could an empty soul offer to any of us if they have no real emotions, empathy, or reality. What this boils down to is that they are by far delusional and dysfunctional and IN DENIAL of just how disordered they are. As long as they have new lies and new supply they shore up their delusions and move on with a trail of destruction behind them without a care in the world for who they have destroyed along the way.
Their love never existed in reality because it is/was really only the reflection of our reality of love that they mimicked back to us in a manipulating manner as if we have so much in common to make that connection that seemed like it is/was a real bond. Their actions are no different than physically abusing us. Whether it is a punch to the face or a punch to our mind they are hideous, lying, and abusive. It will take a long time to get past this damage – this is true. A hit to the mind is a deep wound. It also wounds us in many ways to know that someone could be so malevolent and destructive to actually disable us through such deviant manipulation to control us into submission. In that I have made amends in my life with this abuse and this repulsive being I remember all too well the damage to myself and my family. I learned early on to voice the truth loudly. I rejected the abuse and kept speaking out and will continue to do this to educate people. This abuse is hideous and NOBODY deserves the losses associated with what amounts to an extortionist. There are more than 100,000 people here speaking out about this abuse. There is education, strength, and healing in the numbers and a testament to the reality of these abusers. This account as well as everybody else’s story is incredulous, but they are all too real. Together we have to help each and every person that crosses the threshold of this abuse so that they can recover by understanding the truth – that is what lights the way for all of us. No/minimal contact always! Greg
We have spent too much time dodging their bullets and sheer survival has forced us to expend a lot of energy in trying to make sense out of the rantings and chaos of a disordered individual or a Narcissist. We could never dodge all of those bullets so we were really only a target with a big bull’s eye on our back from the very first day we met them.
Do you go out of your way to keep your Narcissist happy and deliberately try to avoid angering him/her – even at great cost to yourself? If you said yes you are being ruled by fear and being controlled. Ultimately this is the Narcissist’s key strategy and that is maintaining control because as long as you are too scared to speak up, or express yourself in ANY manner or feel that you can’t react to anything this Narcissist says or does – you have no voice. When you have no voice, you have no say and you have no ability to think or process or to live as a “normal” individual in your relationship – you are more or less an object that serves a purpose. While you have no say, they can do exactly as they please and they can even legitimately claim that you never objected and make you out to be the disordered creature that they are through an arsenal of tools to debase your whole life!
When you are out of the fog and away from the abuse it becomes very clear how delusional they are as well as how their psychopathy comes into play to control their victims. Here are some of the basics that are out there in many variations BUT in my own words:
• Raging at you – if you question them concerning accountability or don’t agree with something they say or do, they rage. After a while you just accept your place of silence to avoid any more conflict because once they start raging they just don’t stop. I dealt with this rage so much that I would just sit there and hope that this Narcissist would wear themselves out and stop. Replying only outraged this Narcissist more and more. Unfortunately, this became ‘my normal’ and I was eternally walking on those eggshells.
• Re-writing history – lying to change the truth and make you out to seem forgetful, OR you are lying and the one changing the story, or mentally ill and incapable of having a normal functioning brain. They can literally say one thing and within minutes say the direct opposite of what they said and deny it.
• Non-sense arguing – arguments that come out of the blue that have no merit, or arguments from out of the past that they re-ignite to create chaos and keep you dancing to the tune of their chaos and control.
• Gas-lighting – this is the sign of their psychopathy for sure. They create situations to make you BELIEVE that you have issues with your own mental health. It is done in a manner to set you up to believe in something they say or do, and then what they said or did is denied to make you believe you are losing your own cognizant ability of processing daily life. It could even be physically hiding something from you to make you feel like you are very forgetful.
• Manipulation – they will take a situation and turn it inside out to drain it of any goodness and make the situation wrong and turn it on YOU. That is the motivation of manipulating you – or to basically debase you in some manner. It can be as subtle as NOT saying thank you for something you did for them that was nice or ignoring your efforts. Another example is if you ask them if they like something you did for them because they are not acknowledging your efforts at all, they will accuse you of fishing for compliments, say that they never asked you to do this for them, you are trying to buy their love, and you are obsessed with them. No you are being conditioned to give more and more because there is no manner in which you can please them so you try anything and everything and that blows up in your face.
• Enlisting real or fake minions – this is like the bully at school that gangs up on the unsuspecting target with the support of their followers. Generally, these minions are not physically there with the Narcissist and reinforcing what the Narcissist says, instead you are TOLD that “certain people” or a buddy of the Narcissist said “this, that, and what not” about you in a manner that they are concerned as to your mental health or whatever they decide will make you out to be deserving of some sort of destructive criticism. They do “employ” weak people to act out against you as well – but again who would intentionally defend the Narcissist’s backstabbing without even knowing the target/victim the Narcissist is attacking – only a disordered person with little or no self-esteem.
• Taunting threats – this was a favorite of my Narcissist. When I would remain silent that would even backfire on me, so the argument would switch over to threats to enlist a sense of insecurity as far as the relationship was concerned. After I would be silenced and the Narcissist had a free weekend to secure sexual supply I was taunted with it in a manner to punish me to further drive the point home or control me even in my silence for not reacting enough to the original argument. My Narcissist would state they met someone that was perfect for them and they could possibly be “the new love of their life.” After all was said and done my Narcissist would say they made it up because they wanted to show me how uncaring I was – funny way to do it! They really know how to work an argument to get the most out of it to punish us.
• One-up-man-ship – this is when the Narcissist feels very insecure about your accomplishments, or for any acts of goodness that is just a part of your daily life with them as far as something you do out of care. You are not shoving anything in their face as if you are bragging BUT they are acting out of their perpetual envy and will attack your virtues to knock you down a few pegs to feed their internal insecurities. More managing down!
• Stone faced stares – you will be speaking and sharing in the normal manner that humans do and the Narcissist is sitting there and staring you down with an emotionless face. They don’t react or join in on the conversation and you are left there hanging and feel that you are inconsequential as far as a viable person in their lives. BUT when they have something they want to say there is no end to it and YOU better be listening intently!
• The hypochondriac Narcissist – quite simply they are always sick and simulating some life threatening disease to evoke pity and for us to care for them more, give them more, and wait on them hand and foot. Sometimes it can be that if YOU get a cold they end up being deathly sick with pneumonia!
• It’s all about me, me, ME – quite honestly this completely defines the Narcissist but it is also the manipulative arguments and statements that are used to get us to think we are NOT doing enough, or NOT caring enough, not engaging them enough, or NOT loving them enough. They can even use this as an excuse as to why they stray away from the relationship from time to time. We just NEVER UNDERSTAND what we do to them that has them feeling so unloved (just another ploy to get attention). YES, this was very true for me because I never understood what it was that I was constantly doing wrong. In fact, I wasn’t doing anything wrong except for staying in an abusive relationship.
• Triangulation – purposely using common information they have ABSORBED from being in our company and twisting it around in a devious manner to use against us and turn others against us. They use the familiarity from knowing us and then they seem like they are ‘in the know’ when they start triangulating. That little bit of truth they gained from us gets exploited!
• Back-stabbing – this sort of goes hand in hand with triangulation, but its sole purpose is to create dysfunction around us to get the people that we love/like and associate with to believe we are the “real problem”. Basically, as it states they talk behind our backs to those closest to us setting the stage for the discard and ‘smear campaign!’ They are always ten steps ahead of the game.
• Smear campaign – this is the Narcissist setting up their final farewell to us by contacting everybody of influence in your life and destroying your integrity and damaging your life. They want us to feel vulnerable and afraid of what they can and will do. You can’t fight a coward that attacks your virtue and integrity with insidious lies behind your back. The damage is done and you are damned if you do or damned if you don’t respond to the smear campaign. This gives them the time to run off while we are left vulnerable with the mess they have created for us – and YES, we end up looking like we were the problem and even crazy!
• Denial – complete disassociation with the truth around any and all reality, in all situations – it is like their life is one diversion after another.
• Projection – transferring what they are feeling or doing onto a target. Not anything that can be considered positive, mostly something negative they have done like having an affair and stating it is YOU that had the affair, or you are the liar, or your family hates you, or you are the thief, etc. In essence making us out to be as disordered as they are, but they transfer it to us to ceremoniously cleanse themselves of their disordered life and actions.
These are some of the general day to day actions to keep use managed down, always explaining ourselves, fearful, feeling worthless and again walking on those eggshells. These tactics amount to control which equates to the Narcissist trying to gain power over us. So, what is important here is to understand these very tactics as well as the many other ones that they use to debase us, dehumanize us and destroy us. It is the sickness AND delusion that goes hand in hand with this psychological abuse. It is a pattern that the Narcissist follows to destroy our self-worth as well as extort our lives. It is the Narcissist projecting their dysfunctional life onto us to release from any accountably of just how disordered they are but making us accept the shame and blame for their out-of-control life through projection – and they punish us for what they are. It is psychological terrorism meant to inflict as much damage on any person that accepts or allows them to be part of their life and if possible destroy us in the process as if we deserve it. They have to use this power over their targets/victims to get their supply to survive. Memorize these so that if and when the time ever comes that you have to deal with a Narcissist you know that YOU can shut them down by disallowing them to use ANY of their strong-armed tactics to create that emotional chaos.
They wrote our part in this elaborate lie so we fit into their delusional world using our good qualities to hide their deceptive world as they do with every other person they have abused because they are not fully functioning human beings. They need our lives and our families to hide behind and make themselves look as near to normal as they can get because everything in their past is a void of emptiness.
They are historians that re-write history and distort reality so that they believe that THEY are the normal one, the savior, the target/victim, and the persecuted one and then they walk away with their distorted integrity to use and con another unsuspecting victim into their web of lies and deceit. It is all OK with them because they dispel the abuse by projecting their psychopathy onto everybody else – Narcissist are perpetual blamers and victims – it is NEVER their fault.
This is the cycle of abuse and the arsenal of tools that a Narcissist uses with the biggest lie being the mask of gold they wear laden with the charm and morality that they profess they have. It is only a flimsy mask of lies that slips off easily and reveals the dark truth. Unfortunately, they don’t come to us with a warning label, instead they come to us with an imitation of love to gain our trust and then they enter our heads to dismantle our spirit and integrity so they can extort every aspect of our life and love. Once they have drained us of our life force they move onto the next person to extort.
Our downfall however is that we are NORMAL and hopeless romantics as well as dreamers looking for the same thing everyone else does – love and security with a partner. We believe in fairy tales and happy endings but a Narcissistic partner is the nightmare that you wake up with in a sweat AND as if you have to run for your life. That nightmare changes us and damages our belief system, integrity, self-esteem and causes psychological damage. We desperately wanted to believe them because admitting that it was all a lie shattered a dream that we all wanted and spent too many years believing and trying to fix. The dream is all you’ve ever had and they took that away from you and made you feel wrong as if you NEVER deserved it or to even be loved. There was never a relationship or anything remotely near it. Now you fear your very soul is dying because it becomes all too clear that that you lost precious parts of your life at the hands of a con artist and a destructive and perverse creature that made you believe you are worthless. Your loss is great in every area of your life and you are left to pick up the many pieces of the shattered life and destruction they have left behind for you as they ran off like the out-of-control coward they are. But your soul hasn’t died nor has your belief system been destroyed or your spirit taken away – it along with every day you spent with this Narcissist was manipulated and buried in the darkness of their disordered and perverse world. That spirit is just hiding and will come back to you with time and clarity! Remember though, every time that you believe their empty lies, you are giving them permission to continue. The truth will light the way back to the good world you once knew. Never forget the amazing person you were and still are AND never give it up because of this abuse! No/minimal contact to start on the journey to clarity. Greg
Let’s face it: Narcissistic Abuse is an abusive, toxic pattern of “relating”. In fact, it’s not relating at all. It’s a dead-end, one-way street of miserable syphoning off of our life force.
The only way we are going to interrupt the abusive pattern of narcissistic abuse and it’s after effects is to reclaim our power. Waiting, wishing, hoping, cajoling, begging, trying, not trying, counseling, and even praying are FUTILE uses of our power. Please stay with me. I’m not preaching AT YOU, I’m speaking from firsthand experience. When we reclaim our power of CHOICE, we reclaim our sanity. I know, because I did just that.
We must step up and be the hero or heroine of our own lives. No one, but ourselves is going to rush in and “save us”.
Bringing up the topic of responsibility to a former mate of a narcissist, usually ends up triggering us to feeling further blamed. It’s understandable that you may feel reluctant or defensive. From where you’ve come, it’s a very natural progression to disengage from a blaming and abusive mate to feeling that someone else is doing that to us all over again; but it’s an inescapable part of the clean-up process. Responsibility is a choice. Our thinking needs an overhaul. No matter our sex, our age, our social status, education level or vocation, narcissistic people can really do a number on our self-esteem.
Many of us want to take responsibility, but don’t know where to start. We feel hopeless, empty, exhausted, and don’t want to do yet more work on such an empty tank. It feels insurmountable. Most of this is the depression talking. It’s natural to feel the weight of depression when the truth finally sinks in about the person you’d been trying to have harmony with. We wanted so much more. Our hopes,dreams and fantasies are dying. The person we thought we knew was a facsimile. They duped us. We trust no-one; especially ourselves.
Taking responsibility means that we make the choice to grow.
This is where we start: RIGHT WHERE WE ARE; IN THE TRUTH OF WHERE WE ARE.
How bad is it for you right now? Why did you hang on, when your insides were screaming to be heard? Why did you ignore the red flags? What did you want to be different? Why? Do you feel broken? Unwanted? Unlovable? Is this really the best you can do? Is this what you deserve?
Feeling the feelings in the aftermath of Narcissistic Abuse, is really difficult. I think this is because it forces us to realize that there’s still work to do, and it has nothing to do with WHO abused us.
There is something INCREDIBLY liberating and empowering about honestly saying:
I ________ BECAUSE ________________________________________________________.
Right, wrong or otherwise, these words become the compass to our TRUE NORTH.
When we know become aware of what shadows live inside ourselves, directing us subconsciously or consciously, we will know what we need to improve upon, strengthen and guard against.
Many of us stayed because we are “fixers”. We believed that our loving kindness, warmth and unconditional acceptance was going to magically transform a Narcissist’s shame and coldness into acceptance and warmth. It doesn’t work. We can’t love anyone into treating us right. It’s never worked, it’s only exhausted us and besides, it’s just not our job. We must disengage from the responsibility of “saving” someone else, and rescue ourselves.
PRACTICE HEALTHY SELF-CARE
I’ve long thought that the things we are hoping to “give” or “prove” to a narcissistic person are the things that we need to give and prove to ourselves. We don’t need them to overcome their personality disorder to show us healthy love, in order to feel lovable. We don’t need to extract love from them to validate our worth. We can love ourselves, because that’s what we need; we deserve our own love. We may have been nurtured and socialized to put ourselves last and tend to others out of loyalty, love or fear, but putting ourselves first is actually healthy self-care.
Define what self-care means to you personally. It’s been so long since your identity was eclipsed by a disordered identity. Please know you’re in good company when your excavation reveals that you don’t much know what pleases you these days. Take notice. Without a narcissist vampiring your time with their drama and neediness, what do you find yourself spending your free time doing? What makes you smile? What warms your heart? What kind of music or movies do you like? Do you enjoy being outside in nature? Do you like water? When’s the last time you felt the joy of the sun in your face? Don’t make any excuses for not making your self care a priority. If you have children, please know that your children need you to be HEALTHY. They will benefit more from your sheer relaxation than spending a 1/2 hour in your company while you’re numb, distracted or agitated.
SELF LOVE, BOUNDARIES AND SELF TRUST ARE NATURAL BY-PRODUCTS OF SELF CARE
Taking care of yourself breeds a natural feeling of valuing. Anything of value to you, you take care of. Think of all the things you do: clean your house, wash your car, buy your kids new clothes, even shining a bowling ball…ALL show that you value the “object” you’re investing in. When you commit to time in your schedule to actually treat yourself well…your value appreciates. As your investment appreciates, you begin to feel the need to protect what you value. Your need to protect what you value will give rise to boundaries and before you know it, you will not allow your warm, epsom salt baths be interrupted by the ringing of your cell phone, etc.
If self worth were an equation that continually loops:
SELF WORTH EQUALS:
Taking responsibility = Making a Choice
Self care = Self love
Self love = Boundaries
Boundaries = Self Trust
SELF WORTH LEADS TO BETTER CHOICES
Narcissists will ALWAYS want what we have. With self worth, we’ll be TOO STRONG and TOO HEALTHY to give it to them. And yes, “giving it to them” is a CHOICE.
By recreating the self worth equation above, over and over again we’ll be exercising our self worth muscles. Every choice, from saying “No” to an extra piece of cake or “Yes” to going to a movie with a friend, are opportunities to make choices that continue to make us feel that we’re heading towards our true north. When we make repeated healthy choices from a place where we honor ourselves, we will be creating a life full of joy, health and peace.
The question about recovery most asked of me, is “How do I protect myself from ever being involved with another narcissist again”. I love this question! It shows how motivated we all are, NOT to go through this again.
I answer the question this way: We CAN’T control whether another narcissist will try to waltz into our lives; in fact, they probably will. We have attractive things to offer, any partner, but especially someone who needs a “big” hit of people to be happy. But we can, say NO. We can walk away, the moment we realize that we’ve been lied to, used, or aren’t receiving what we give to another in a mutually respectful way.
The important element to encountering another narcissist, isn’t avoiding them altogether, it’s KNOWING that not only do we have the knowledge of who they really are to protect ourselves but that we finally RECOGNIZE THAT WE ARE WORTHY OF PROTECTING. Trust yourself. You WILL KNOW what to do to continue to walk the path to the true north of a better life of loving yourself.
We believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, love, individuality, and a relationship so we just tried to follow the natural flow or path of a REAL relationship and that tricked us right into this desperate and abusive love.
So, WE FELL (were conned) IN LOVE – but an unnatural and abusive love is nothing even near a normal love and it comes with a great price – the truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem, belief system, and worth. We constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND ourselves and in doing so, our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools. Their manipulation, betrayal, control, lies and acting out “trained” us to provide them with supply and they stepped up the game to get the most, if not ALL they could from us until they were caught and identified as the monster they are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth. We didn’t give them the power to abuse us, we MISTAKINGLY opened our hearts with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise – AND THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO!
So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship) who believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, love, individuality, etc., AND a real relationship and we just tried to follow the natural flow or path of a relationship. But what we didn’t know is that we had inadvertently set the stage for Narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them – and that is a BIG NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM.
Love was what the Narcissist used to con you into the abuse by gaining your trust and a commitment to them as well as keep you connected and believing in them. The abuse was the working mechanism that this Narcissist used to control you, manage you down, isolate you, disable you and then use you completely to meet their needs. The WHY doesn’t matter because you can’t fix this disordered person, nor should you attempt to. You saw that by loving them you were only abused, what could be more powerful than your love and why allow yourself to expend it on a desperate and destructive love with a Narcissist? If a person were damaged and fixable, unconditional love and support from another person would be healing, appreciated, and accepted. People that are real would seek out healing love and embrace it, not use it to keep you falsely connected to their agenda to use you so completely! Your love was abused because this is a disorder that you do not have the power to heal within this person (the Narcissist). You must know this and move forward for you and only you. You must use your powerful love to heal yourself!
The Narcissist skillfully weaves their manipulation into our lives to make us become dependent on them by distorting and destroying everything around us that is real to us and then all that is left for us is THEM. They make us believe in them as if they ALONE are our savior to blind us from reality. They tell us how people talk about us, or this or that person is not good for us. They love us and ONLY want to protect us with this truth and HELP us, but they are subtly planting these distorted messages in us to get us to believe in them completely and isolate us and keep us close to them alone! These messages do their magic by making us feel worthless and as if something is terribly wrong with our lives and with us. In this process they are also gathering personal information from us to USE AGINST US too. So they are also telling these very people that love us that WE are also talking about them and they need to be CAREFUL as it concerns THEIR connection with us – this in turn isolates us completely. They are using the familiarity of personal stories we shared with them AGAINST us. This is triangulation where they pit one person against the other! They are destroying everything we love and cherish so that we become totally dependent on them. That is the addiction and trauma bond that is forced into our reality. Who do you turn to when you hear that everything around you or about you is so terribly wrong? The person that is standing directly in front of you that is loving you so completely BUT in reality, they are poisoning you at the same time! If I had a dollar for every time I heard my Narcissist tell me that SOMEBODY was saying negative things about me, even Psychiatrists that were evaluating me and telling my Narcissist I was unstable – as well as family members, co-workers or EVERYBODY! As silly and unreal as that sounds I am not kidding or exaggerating! A Narcissist does this very subtly and they are seamless at weaving their triangulation with little tiny bits of truth and lies into your conscious world to make it seem plausible. I was an emotional punching bag to a highly disordered and not fully functioning human being. I finally got it and pushed forward and totally away from it and back to reality where I was before I fell into this devastating abuse and today I am so much better as if I walked away from some sort of darkness and back into light, life and love again!
So, there are two essential and distinct parts to this acceptance to enable you to start on your personal journey to recovery and they are the emotional and intellectual realities. Intellectually it is understanding that this is a personality disorder to basically get you to your ‘ah ha’ moment that this was not anything near this love you believe/believed in but the actions of a ‘not fully functioning human being’ that was conning and using you. Emotions are not as easy to untangle especially when it involves that amazing thing called love that connects you to this disordered creature and distorts the truth and your reality – but you must realize that this love was also part of that huge con job. BUT we ARE able to fall out of love and it is so important to fall out of this toxic and poisonous love with both perspectives to see the clearer and bigger picture that it was purely destructive to you and meant to be. There was NO REAL LOVE!
Intellectually you need to assert the truth that they ARE so very disordered so you can purge the negative messages that were planted in your head that you are not worthy of this Narcissist’s love or a normal life. These negative messages were purposeful to manage you down to nothingness so the Narcissist could control you, isolate you, and keep you there while they extorted and used you as a source of supply. These messages are tricky because the positive ones from the ‘charm’ and ‘love bombing’ are mixed in there so well with the negative ones from the devaluation and discard and this is what has you so locked up in the ‘fog’ or confusion that you are feeling. They have to be separated so that the positive love-bombing messages don’t pull you backward into believing that it WAS/IS real and there is a chance to fix this. Then intellectually understanding that all the blame/shame, lies, demeaning attacks and manipulation on you were projections from a very angry and cunning creature to make you feel completely worthless and convince you that you deserve this – as well as to CONTROL you. They are only as powerful as you allow them to be. Break the destructive messages and attachment to them and they are no longer able to control you and you are free to become yourself again. Knowledge and truth are the keys you need to unlock the prison that this Narcissist has locked you up and in!
You must first STOP the dance and take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. If you do not take care of yourself, no one will do it for you. This unfortunately is our journey that we MUST take. The very best thing you can do is to end the toxic relationship, which is slowly making you mentally and physically sick and distorting your concept of what real love AND life is meant to be. You must purge the manipulative and destructive messages OUT of your head or else they will be stuck there with you forever. You have already stayed with this Narcissistic liar, cheater and a mental abuser for way too long, and understand there is no love there, only a twisted addiction to something that has become a horrible and debilitating routine in your life. Do not waste one more second of your precious life with this Narcissist when you have a chance to achieve the true happiness in life and the ability to love normally. Remember what got you here and ask yourself why you would want to get back with this destructive person to try to fix all of the absurd abuse when you CAN’T. Then look at your life and actualize how debilitating this relationship has been to you. This is not an option! Leave this relationship behind so you can reach your full potential again and you WILL because you ARE really an amazing person that proved how strong you were, how loving you were, and now how strong you are to be here today and able to move forward. No/minimal contact and NEVER look back once you actualize the truth! Greg
Whatever that Narcissist has said to you that has deeply hurt you or wounded you is NOT a real observation, it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you, define you, and gain control over you.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
Narcissists are masters at putting a spin on the truth, using extreme manipulation, and playing mind games to get what they want. They play to win and get the rewards from the investment they put into scamming a new person, then it is a matter of functionality and survival in their world to avoid detection of who and what they really are so they destroy all the evidence or basically the person they abused! That in itself says a lot because they obviously know what they do is WRONG! They are VERY poor losers and if they don’t completely win they will react in a fit of rage and terrorize the person they are already victimizing. The only way for any person to win is to not play in any of their games once you realize the truth of how disordered and dangerous they are. Unfortunately, they don’t play fair in the first place and they trick you in and drag you into their delusional game to get WHAT THEY WANT!
Everyone to the Narcissist is in reality their opponent, UNFORTUNATELY nobody realizes that they are playing a game with the Narcissist and that is where the Narcissist gains the advantage or has the upper hand! The Narcissist is playing this game for themselves so they can deflect you from seeing the reality or avoiding the truth about what they really are – they DO NOT self-reflect, they self-DEFLECT. They do this with the expectation that they won’t have to take responsibility for their behavior. Narcissists do not take responsibility for their own actions instead they deflect by blaming, shaming, projection, denial, etc. You will do what you have always done-forgive the Narcissist, make excuses for the Narcissist’s behavior, claim the Narcissist couldn’t help themselves because of a bad day, or justifying their destructive behaviors through your empathy and love AND that will ultimately fail you completely.
You bend and bend until you almost snap in half when you try to give them the benefit of the doubt. It keeps you in a cycle that deflects away from their reality and distorts YOUR reality in turn and puts the burden onto and into you and becomes your new normal. You never have an opportunity to be an individual, nor see how they are actually pulling the wool over your eyes because of the MANY levels of confusion and diversion they use to process you into that role with them. They are betraying every aspect of your life and you are too busy babysitting their every whim and trying to fix things once again. They know how to confound and confuse their targets/victims, as well as condition and manipulate them through their temper tantrums, anger, rage, managing them down, or punishing and silencing if you don’t play exactly the way they want you to! You HAVE to stop wanting to play the ‘game’ with them and eventually they WILL run away to find a new playmate and that is the miracle that will actually save your life.
The Narcissist is a master of FAKE emotions and empathy with a phony façade and life to match. They appear to take you in, care about you, understand everything you are experiencing, and they appear to genuinely put themselves in your shoes to understand “YOU” with acceptance and unconditional love. They observe and react with that resounding smile, approval, and unconditional care and love. All of this causes you to let your guard down and truly believe there is a genuine give-and-take in your relationship and a love that exists that is just for you. It is overwhelming to meet someone that is so much like you, so connected to your thoughts, and so reactive to meet your every need that you BELIEVE in them completely. BUT once they gain your trust they will pounce on you. They wait until you are perfectly comfortable with them and your guard is completely down or even perhaps having a low moment in your life and now the time has come to manage you down and to control you to manage the business at hand or secure the supply they came for.
What would you do if you were completely void of love and empathy, how would you interact in the normal world? Without emotions or the ability to bond you would have to control people to trap them into your defective world so you could essentially fit in and get/take what you need that you can’t accomplish on your own. Narcissists perfectly execute an emotional and psychological attack on their victim because their purpose is to wear you down, to humiliate you, and make you feel small and inferior and dependent on them OR again control. A Narcissist is not going to allow you to have feelings for YOURSELF and they are going to make you believe you are selfish and wrong for wanting ANY attention. There is no such thing as YOUR needs or individuality and they basically erase your personality bit by bit. They want what they want and they have invested their time to mold you into a viable source of supply. Narcissists do not tolerate individuality because people are objects for them to use as they see fit. There is nothing more here than their agenda coming to fruition and you have to understand that THIS IS ALL IT WAS. Predator after their prey using camouflage to hide the truth to trap you – or that façade and mask. The simple truth is that a person that cannot relate to emotions or empathy cannot relate to another human being in the smallest way.
A Narcissist ALWAYS loves to make you feel that YOU are crazy, especially if you try to confront them, make them accountable, bring up past issues or behaviors, or expose them when they are doing something appalling or lying. Basically, YOU are told that you have an over active imagination, you don’t know what you are talking about, they have NO idea what you are talking about, or that you are simply making things up to cause problems and all of this is done to deflect from the reality of WHO THEY ARE. They’ll tell you that it is obvious that YOU are the one who is crazy (and tell you that everyone around you agrees with them about you being crazy). FURTHERMORE, they will claim not to remember any of these events, even flatly deny that they ever happened, and will NEVER accept the possibility that they might have forgotten. Your perceptions of normalcy and reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your own intuition, memory, processing your thoughts, or reasoning, AND constantly confused. The Narcissist is a master at spinning everything and deflecting to remain in control and keeping you vulnerable – this defines control!
The Narcissist will up the game to include destroying your soul, your ego, your accomplishments and any belief system you have to completely manage you down to feeling worthless. The way the game is played is for them to try to turn everything about you and everything you do, into a complete failure. The Narcissist has the reasoning of a child – but they act out like a controlling, demanding, and demeaning parent (more so toxic). No matter what your real age, you are never allowed to reach a viable emotional age with them especially one that allows for your individuality or growth with them – this is especially evident in children that were raised by a Narcissistic parent. You will always be treated like a stupid child, a bad child, a silly child, etc., and you will always be reprimanded and put in your place to honor them completely and NEVER question them! Consistent managing down is what all of this amounts to!
Everything with a Narcissist is competitive and every life situation is a competition that requires “one-upmanship”, to beat their opponent. It always involves a “payoff” for the Narcissist that is ALWAYS about them getting something or extorting everything they can and devaluing and hurting you somehow too. They feel superior within their ability to con, control, and destroy. Again, their delusional world is like a battleground with them against us because everybody and everything is a threat – be it real or perceived. They keep track of real AND imaginary things you do, have done, or might do. It is a reactionary relationship with them BUT you are the one that always has to explain your every word and action to them and made accountable when you are not serving their every whim and need! This is how they condition you and this is what they want – to CONTROL YOU.
Lastly what supports their lies is complete DENIAL. It is important to recognize that the Narcissist will never acknowledge that any games are being played AND the important point here is that it is up to YOU to stop playing. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to fix them, the situation or heal them! You will always be told you are wrong, they are right, and that you are in need of some serious help. You can’t get them to acknowledge or take responsibility for their words or actions because they will always say they didn’t do it or it never happened. They have to or else face real accountability and retribution for their actions and then their gig would be up, so they deflect with more lies, more manipulation, and punishing, silencing and abusing you! They will destroy you completely to avoid exposure.
The main point here is that what I described is a Narcissist and how they abuse. They are not fully functioning human beings. They do not connect on ANY level with human beings except to use them as supply. We can describe this as a superficial relationship, but it goes far beyond superficial because it is a toxic and destructive relationship that will completely drain you and disable you and your belief system. Your responsibility is to get your ‘ah ha’ moment and understand that they are the defective ones that emotionally and psychologically inflicted some deep wounds that have severely affected your psyche. BUT that is where you start on your road to recovery. There is another type of healing that involves your personal emotional wounds that the Narcissist sourced out and used against you. Healing involves you and only you closing all of those wounds permanently through your personal journey or recovery!
Whatever that Narcissist has said to you that has deeply hurt you or wounded you is NOT a real observation, it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you and define you. They were so supportive in the beginning, but that was also to gain your trust and the knowledge of your weaknesses to use against you. You opened up your amazing heart along with all of your wounds and gave them the opportunity to find any and all of your weaknesses AND they were looking for them. They DO NOT have the ability to understand pain, sorrow, being vulnerable or apply empathy – they only want access to your weaknesses to use them against you or to CONTROL you. This is what we have to heal within us or those weaknesses that they have constantly pointed out because they are real and within us and now they have made them come to the surface so much so that we lost our worth and trusting our own reality. They are master game players and used their keen perception to always be on top of their game. They took these weaknesses and embellished them to even make you think you were mentally ill and even fear yourself and your way of thinking. It is a very sick game that these Narcissists play, BUT it is a game that requires other players and you have to totally opt out of participating! They will attack you at any and every level they can, even making fun of you physically and they can be VERY cruel! You will ask why and how can they do this – well again because they have no empathy, no care, no connection, no bond, no morals, and no love for any other human being – they are personality disordered AND they were after something and that is your complete answer. Please internalize and KNOW this! ALSO, please understand that you still ARE that amazing person and this was situational or abuse and you will recover with knowledge, education and support. No/minimal contact to start out on your journey to recovery! Greg