WHY do Narcissists always play the victim?

WHY do Narcissists always play the victim? Because it is just another mask/façade they wear to make their many DECEPTIVE agendas and lies work! They hide behind sympathy to cover up how THEY have abused another person – and use the opportunity to create a smear campaign against the very person they abused! They also LOVE to play on and USE the sympathies of others for gain and while they are doing that they are also able to pull a ‘supporter or minion’ into the mix to help them condemn a past victim or destroying the reputation of someone they want to attack. Actualizing the truth empowers us and takes their power away. Remember that they have compartmentalized MANY sources of supply and have charmed them into their roles as they did to us to achieve every possible agenda..

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

A Narcissist is COMPLETELY calculating in every area of life to CONTROL people and their environment. They refuse ANY connection or obedience to the basic requirements of life or the natural moral laws as they apply to life and human rights – and they void all of that with BLAME and playing the VICTIM. Obedience to a Narcissist implies that there is something larger or better than what they are and they will never comply because it would define them as being weak to allow anyone to feel significant enough to be their equal or better. It is almost like the Narcissist completely relates everything in life to a measurement – but this measurement begins with them – or as the saying goes, the sun rises and sets on a Narcissist because they feel they are above all life.

The Narcissist creates the terms of how THEY measure life – so if they were a “tape measure or a ruler”, they would determine the dynamics of each and every measurement OR define every inch of every foot – and you can believe that it would not be consistent as it is SUPPOSE to be. The Narcissist has to be ‘that’ which measures (and judges) and NEVER that WHICH IS MEASURED and NEVER judged. Literally they “coin” the phrase “give them an inch and they will take a mile.” Well that and anything they can get their tentacles around. Along with this remember that they will ALWAYS move the goalposts – especially to keep our emotions tangled up trying to please them. THEN when it is time for them to move on because they found something new – they will kick those goalposts so far away and out of reach by making you and I out to be the abuser. That is their way of saying goodbye as well as a way of protecting themselves from being exposed as the real abuser. Victimization gives them just another path to avoid facing their past if questioned and just their lack of empathy. NO, they do not care if they destroy you or I as long as they are not outed. Remember too that sympathy is also another form of supply to them too.

A Narcissist is calculating for the sake of procuring power! Power allows them the control over others that they need to function and survive in our world. It also protects them from exposure and facing the truth of their own disordered and abusive lifestyle. This false mask hides AND protects the Narcissist from having to face themselves off in the mirror and see the reality of WHAT THEY ARE – a modern day ‘DENIAL’ monster that is destructive and abuses life and people. They most assuredly destroy a target that catches on to them, plus they already have the replacement waiting in the wings to pick up the whole process where they left it off with us, stealing ‘supply’ and sucking the very life out of the new target. No fuss, no muss, and never emotions or love just a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist has a new host ready and waiting – seriously this is the truth.

Their entire life is built upon this premise to find “supply” to shore up their façade and they will employ the most devious means at their disposal to get it. So this chameleon like Narcissist has many colors that help them adapt to every situation that exists that include every gambit of life – from like, love, dislike, hate, destruction and victimization – and this is all very functional to them as well as mechanical to them and their lifestyle to GET WHAT THEY WANT. The key thing here is that they are abusive and psychologically damaging to people because they loathe people and life and create personal battles to make us pay for their hate.

Nevertheless our first experiences with the Narcissist has allowed us to believe in a prince/princess ‘charming’ who have done great things in our lives like “loving us” so we hold on to/keep the faith, and live with this Narcissist’s amazing BUT fake integrity. It is our empathy, love and basic trust that are targeted. The Narcissist has bamboozled us through this wondrous and seemingly normal façade that IMITATES extreme goodness as well as fake virtues that we hold in good faith BUT really with little or no real accountability and that was a BIG OOPS. SO there within the problem LIES – the Narcissist is so very adept at circumventing the intellect and manipulating man/womankind by their craft or better yet craftiness that they have perfected all of their life, so they target us where it counts – OUR EMOTIONS, TRUST, and LOVE!

Because Narcissists have depleted or deleted their character so profoundly through choices contrary to the norms of reason or basic DENIAL, they will even begin to see themselves as what they project, mirror, and bounce off of us. If you are not governed by any natural or moral laws, but by the law of “whatever you want to be to get whatever you want” well then you hold great power, but you need to CONTROL the world to achieve this superiority, so the narcissist is fundamentally a dictator in all of their relationships because this is what they want to be – it is always about controlling their victim and using whatever they can to get there. In the end they will ALWAYS play the victim card to throw blame back onto us.

That CHARMING person that swept you off of your feet and became the HARMING person in your life will always become increasingly more and more transparent and shoe that VAST array of fake personalities. From beginning to end, this was a phony relationship that only offered you a toxic dose of fake care, love and real abuse. The Narcissist created a psychopathic bond through deception and manipulation – LIES, LIES, LIES – and we were seduced by them and maintained this relationship through self-sacrifice and denial. It is not what we wanted it was what we were led to do because of the vast arsenal of tools a Narcissist used/uses to psychologically seduce a target/victim. No/minimal contact so that you can return to a healthy life. Greg

We can NEVER go back – NEVER – nor even think about it because this was a desperate connection/relationship! We cannot put ANY kind of blinders on to forget or un-see what they did. WE must discard this Narcissist completely from our life and from our world!

We can NEVER go back – NEVER – nor even think about it because this was a desperate connection/relationship! We cannot put ANY kind of blinders on to forget or un-see what they did. WE must discard this Narcissist completely from our life and from our world!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

The truth is that this has ALWAYS been a desperate relationship where you were always feeling vulnerable, worthless, hated, constantly explaining yourself, silenced, punished, invisible, and traumatized. What is it that you are actually doing wrong? Nothing! So WHY do you keep returning then?

Do some of these behaviors seem to be familiar or similar to what you experienced after one of the many fights or breakups with your Narcissist or perhaps after the discard? You check the phone constantly, believing you missed a call from them or thinking perhaps that you have lost your signal. You seem to sit and wait and wait for their call, text or some form of communication. Because of the lack of response from your Narcissist (perhaps ANOTHER argument) you are hoping most every day that you will get that call or a text saying how he/she is SO sorry, and that they love you, want you back and blah, blah, blah! You have gotten this exact call many times before and it only amounts to the whole cycle starting over again, but there is never a REAL resolution. Seriously think about how many times you have repeated this same process with the fights, raging, silencing, and the Narcissist’s disappearance for days! You are used to feeling this horrible depravation and you only want to fix everything so you feel better again – BUT WHY DO YOU DO THIS and repeat this pattern so often only to end up back to the exact same place each and every time?

Sometimes it feels like you are an addict that is going through a terrible detox! You are always wanting that fix to end the pain you are feeling, but what does it really amount to – more abuse? The havoc the Narcissist creates leaves you feeling so twisted and your thoughts become so distorted that you just want this horrific pain and silence to end. Have you asked yourself what you are actually missing? Is it the torture, or the indifference, the blame, or the pain that you are constantly feeling because of all of the crazy making and dysfunction? Is it the lies OR knowing that he/she is constantly on the prowl and you don’t want to have to deal with those horrible images all of the time? SO WHAT ARE YOU MISSING? Can you answer this in a realistic manner? Or do you just reason this out and only justify it all so that you can get to that quick fix to avoid the horrific pain you are feeling, knowing all too well that you have repeated this process more times than you wish to remember? Seriously you become dysfunctional in your beliefs when you accept this distorted submission from them and compromise your healthy reality and allow your life to be slowly erased by this creature! It is the furthest thing from healthy because it just always keeps you revolving in this cycle of abuse. This is what the Narcissist wants! This is why they act out in the manner that they do and that is to completely manage you down and control you through extreme psychological manipulation or better yet terrorism. They have been doing this slowly but surely from the very first day they met us. It is their modus operandi or mode of operation!

On the flip side of the coin do you ever feel that you really don’t want them to contact you, but you still want the fix, but AGAIN why and at what cost to you because you ALWAYS end up back in this same exact place of total despair! The fix is only a temporary bandage to stop you from feeling the pain of the wound they constantly inflict on you with the devaluation. Coming back as they do is just their method of controlling you to keep you in the cycle of abuse. He/she loves me, he/she loves me not, he/she loves me, and he/she loves me NOT, NOT, NOT. Really he/she loves you NOT but you will stay within this unending loop of dysfunction and second guessing for eternity if you don’t jump out of it and realize the truth.

So many targets/victims go through this. Constantly checking the phone for messages and wanting to hear from him/her as well as NOT wanting to hear from him/her at the same time. You keep trying to get that “fix” but knowing that it will do nothing but tear open a new wound that you will never be able to heal as well as trying to fix this dead end relationship ONE MORE TIME. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I am not suggesting you/we are insane, just trying to bring the point home. We struggle to hold on and we struggle to let go. It’s very hard to convince the heart what the mind already knows. Like an addiction, you must separate yourself from the very thing that you are addicted to that is in reality harming you. Are you always tempted, YES, YES AND YES! Maybe you can just resist the temptation to reach out to them, but you always struggle with not responding to him/her when THEY initiate the contact, and they usually do at some point. It’s in their nature and part of their disorder to keep you hanging on – but this is a choice only you can make to stop the madness this time.

When we allow the Narcissist to have communication with us just what is the cost as it concerns us? They never apologize, so we accept the blame from whatever chaos they initiated to create another argument. We have to because there is no other option as we have been conditioned into believing AND we accept it in the hopes of fixing the relationship. They may make you believe that they are offering an apology but that is just to pull you back into the abuse because they are not done with you yet BUT be assured that we ALL have an expiration date with them. What was actually going on when you were left in silence after the last argument? Were they visiting their mother perhaps (like they may say they were) or were they visiting extra or new supply (the very truth in my situation)! If you were to try to reconcile whatever the event was that led to another argument or the silencing/separation, there is never any resolution and you are always left feeling like you are the bad person, jealous, or crazy AND nothing is ever resolved. You are blamed for pushing them away perhaps when you didn’t even start the argument because it just came out of nowhere! Perhaps you were accused of something you NEVER did – I was always accused of something and that was just the Narcissist projecting. This happens so many times that there is just layer upon layer of this same behavior buried deep inside of you and unreconciled but you keep going back. One day they WILL totally discard you and the reality that THEY were doing everything you suspected is now the truth standing right in front of you. Why didn’t we just follow our intuitions? Their constant making up with us was just a form of manipulation, brainwashing, AND torture to create more of their dysfunctional chaos to manage us down completely and keeping us dependent on them AND again until they were done with us.

It is VERY painful to continue in a relationship with a Narcissist, but it feels excruciatingly painful to completely let go and to be without them. A relationship with a Narcissist is filled with OVERWHELMING emotions and very little reality as it concerns having a viable loving relationship or a bond with them! Your life only coincides with their ever-changing chaos and every single day is having to react to some new chaos, justifying their behavior and lies, bending your emotions the wrong way, and moving forward with NO RESOLUTION. With a Narcissist you are very elated with the highs, but the MANY lows always devastate you COMPLETELY. The emotions are so very strong both ways (the good and the bad). Due to this, the relationship with a Narcissist is never boring but NEVER straightforward or REAL but very disabling and destructive. It is more sadistic in nature with the CONSTANT ups and downs as well as exhausting, debilitating, and traumatizing. This relationship is slowly but surely erasing your life away from you.

It is all a big diversion to keep you confused and to control you – this is what abuse is. It is easy to get this addicted feeling (or obsession pattern) especially after the devastating and heart-breaking low or when the Narcissist has abandoned you both emotionally and physically or has been misbehaving (cheating or any number of things.) Consequently, when the Narcissist returns to you the high feels so euphoric and BAM the pain is gone. Everything is back to normal again because the Narcissist is behaving so well, he/she reinstates how much he/she loves you and can’t live without you and wants to be with you forever! It seems like an opportunity once again to fix this and get back to that feeling you once shared in the beginning or from the love bombing. THIS has become your normal?? Yes, that is the normal that you have been managed down to accept by allowing this cycle to continue – MORE ABUSE!

Sometimes during the devaluation stage the Narcissist just returns to hurt you even more and somehow that still satisfies us as a fix and we stay engaged instead of initiating no contact. It deteriorates to such a level that any contact becomes a small glimmer of hope when there is none! What exactly should we change about ourselves? MAYBE more willingness to accept the lies, betrayal, manipulation and psychological abuse? NO, what we need to change is our proximity with this Narcissist by moving on and totally away from them. You are an amazing human being that deserves the same beautiful love that you offer unconditionally not abuse from this creature that envies love and life. YOU discard them from your heart, mind and soul forever! My Narcissist would ALWAYS say “I told you I would leave if you didn’t change!” Guess what – I didn’t change – because I FINALLY saw the truth standing right in front of me and that was the best thing I could have hoped for. I kept praying for a miracle and I got that miracle with my Narcissist leaving once again and I accepted that truth and shut the door forever! No/minimal contact! Greg

The most important aspect of a relationship with a Narcissist is WORKING ON RECOVERING from the trauma and the pathological actions from this emotional and psychological terrorist.

The most important aspect of a relationship with a Narcissist is WORKING ON RECOVERING from the trauma and the pathological actions from this emotional and psychological terrorist. What that means is putting YOU first and empowering yourself with knowledge, education, reflection, and support – as well as having your voice heard and your questions being answered. It is NOT something that you just get over – that is why it is called a ‘recovery process’ and time is a major part of the process to get there. Never let anyone diminish your recovery by telling you to “just get over it” or “YOU need to move on!” Do NOT invalidate YOUR needs at this important time – THIS was abuse so remove any and all of those naysayers from the process completely!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

We don’t JUST move on! We talk and voice our concerns because we first need to be heard, we educate ourselves about this abuse so we KNOW what we are dealing with, we reach out for sound support, we strive DAILY to move forward, WE GRIEVE, we feel pain and betrayal that we need to reconcile, we do deep introspection to purge the poison of this abuse out of our heart, mind and soul, we create STRONG boundaries to never allow this abuse into our lives again, we have to learn how to trust again so we can go back to a healthy emotional life, we disconnect from this Narcissist (heart, mind and soul) and with NO/minimal contact, AND we work on this EVERY day of our lives until we get healthy again – this is a process that requires time – not just simple words to JUST MOVE ON. Those words just add another level of abuse by invalidating, silencing, and isolating us. There is NO magical cure that will fix us immediately! TOGETHER we heal!

So a little bit more of the reprograming aspect to start out on this journey to recovery:

Really the most important aspect is convincing ourselves that this was a Narcissist. Until we get there we will only remain in a confused state, blaming ourselves and reaching back to find out what WE did wrong. This only adds our own layers to this abuse. YIKES!! What I can say through my experience is that everything does fall into place, but the process takes education, time, real support from other targets/victims and a great deal of energy to purge all of the negativity out of us before we move forward. Don’t forget we can and will fall backwards and that again is just part of the process and we learn from our mistakes. There is also the overwhelming exhaustion from carrying so much anxiety and the trauma, and that surfaces as physical ailments. So, so much to deal with and then there is more than likely a ‘smear campaign’ that is waiting for us and SUDDENLY we are the bad guy.

Who could EVER believe the truth that presented itself to us and lives in us about this abuse and how someone just used us for the time they did and how they were inclined to destroy us as well. It is still hard for me to accept, but I know better because I lived through it and the truth is right there to back it up. What I can’t believe is that there are human beings capable of this and as a normal person with empathy it is not within my realm to understand them! That says a great deal within my words. If after experiencing and recovering from this abuse it is still hard for a person of empathy to get it completely. But what I learned is that I don’t have to ‘get it’ so completely, I just have to understand it and accept the truth to forget about that Narcissist because they are what they are and that HAS to be enough. Knowing and believing this enables you to move forward and work on everything else that involves getting healthy. Don’t waste your time on getting into their heads, or trying to understand them, or trying to fix THEM because you are only denying the truth YOU ALREADY KNOW! It is now time for you to get past this psychological abuse so you can enter back into a great world feeling healthy! It is a necessity to focus on yourself!

When you came out of this you felt like you were in a fog, or better yet that your reality was altered and basically it was through the slow process of brainwashing and the manipulation from your perpetrator. You are traumatized, confounded and confused and wondering what hit you squarely in the brain. We are functioning, but not as we once did. If we were the person we were before this abuse we would have had a much clearer perspective AFTER discard, but unfortunately we are not that person anymore. We have gained the knowledge but we are vulnerable and damaged, so we really struggle.

We weren’t in denial in the beginning we were tricked, conned, manipulated, etc. But here is the point we also never realized this in its entirety while we were with them and WHY? Well because the agenda of the Narcissist was not apparent, and the manipulation was subtle and consistent. We were always drawn back into the abuse through Narcissistic magic or trickery. Day by day we were managed down more and more through the Narcissist’s vast arsenal of tools to the point that we were not in our original state of conscious thinking – our reality was altered by our perpetrator so they could harvest us as supply!

One last point! So many times, our family seems like they don’t care. This may be true for some, but for the most part remember that our stories are incredulous and personal to us. They don’t know how deep the abuse is and deeply rooted in our subconscious OR even understand what it is. It is not as personal to them as it is to us. We would have to drag them through every day of the abuse while we were living it for them to actually get it – and to explain it would take just as long. They would also have to experience every day that we grieve (after the discard) to see how isolated and disconnected we have become because of the abuse. It doesn’t say that it is OK for people to shun us because it all sounds so unreal, BUT they do know and they would be there for you when you really needed them. Nobody can understand how the target/victim needs to keep repeating things over and over again because it is within this process that targets/victims purge the abuse outward. Our voice is the tool for others to hear to gain support as well as to vocalize and actualize the truth. There is no closure with these creatures, so how do we become validated? We search for that validation through our voices until we find something that we can turn to that HELPS. Without validation we will just run in a circle chasing our tails. We do eventually find validation within our personal truths.

We are very inquisitive creatures and we know none of what happened to us can be ALL of our fault! We weren’t problematic in our other relationships, or mentally ill, insane AND everything else we were led to believe – SO WHAT IS UP? That is what gets us out there searching on the internet, or seeking support through the behavioral sciences, etc. But once we start traveling through all of the questions and confusion we find some answers and usually when we hear the real stories of survivors or other victims. We start to see the similarities and find the validation we deserve.

You are an amazing person that has the ability to change and move onto a healthy recovery. It is a process that requires time. It is time to accept the reality that this was situational abuse and to take YOUR power back by discarding EVRYTHING about this Narcissist out of your world and life and that starts with no/minimal contact. The next step is gaining all of the knowledge and support you can by using your voice to speak out and ask questions. Other victims and survivors will help move you through your recovery. Together we heal. Greg

The anatomy of the Narcissist!

The anatomy of the Narcissist! It is long but my favorite list that pretty much sums up and describes these chameleons, shape-shifters, or whatever describes an empty person that wears many disguises to camouflage the reality of just how disordered, cruel and destructive they are to people and life. A little more knowledge to absorb and keep tucked away in your head.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

A Narcissist always makes you feel crazy by constantly stirring up trouble and causing a negative outcome from their involvement and presence in any given situation. ‘Normal’ doesn’t serve a Narcissist and their need for power and control, but chaos, drama, and ‘crazy making’ does! They are always the problem, but nothing is ever their fault.

They cannot sit down and experience a normal or real moment, a memory, or a connection to real happiness within themselves or reflect about their life because there are NONE, only envy of what they can’t achieve. Their inner world is angry, dark and lacks complete empathy. They don’t have any internal mechanisms to love or care about anybody so instead they feed their eternal neediness and pathological nature through extreme manipulation. They create chaos and destruction with their abusive manners to make other’s feel their emptiness as if to pay for their misery and disconnection from real happiness and life. They imitate our reality to draw us into their life and then into their personal misery by abusing what they can’t ever achieve – our goodness and ability to love.

If they can successfully harm our good intentions and mock our empathy it allows them to deny their own destructive nature and world by making us assume their misery and darkness. Misery loves company as they say and a Narcissist needs to prove to themselves that everyone else is the miserable and the destructive creature that they are through delusional deception and destruction. They use us like a filter to diffuse their negativity and assume our goodness, empathy and love as their own. They wear us like a disguise to walk among the good people to constantly find more and more supply to harvest. Without a mask (false) of real empathy and love, their darkness would expose them and people would avoid every aspect of their being!

They jump from relationship to relationship to create or re-create the security or family they can never have. The pattern is to secure a new person to have constant supply available, morph into this person’s world with the pretense of love, they become bored with the situation because they are UNABLE to have a real relationship built on love, they deny any fault as being their own because they lack all empathy so they blame, devalue, dehumanize, destroy and discard and then move on and REPEAT this cycle with someone new. They never assume any responsibility that they HAD love and a real family BUT destroyed it to support their out-of-control world and perverse actions. If you were able to look at their past life in a chronological order you would only see destroyed people and relationships that were all cycles of them same abuse repeated over and over again, and it would stretch back over their entire life.

They create scenarios to discover your weakness or fears, and store them away to manipulate you later. They don’t use language as communication, it is for hiding, deflecting, avoiding, masking, & manipulating because their charm is completely false. They take pride in their own righteousness and rightness. They attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They NEVER believe they make mistakes even when they proof is right there in front of them. They have an innate inability to feel, process or truly understand shame from the negative and hurtful things they do to others – they can only blame and apply fault to everybody else. Contradict them a few times and you will feel their out of control narcissistic rage.

Their conversations and interactions aren’t meant to enlighten, but to confuse, control, and consistently create drama. They are a huge VOID, working to get whatever they can from you – basically they extort life and lives. They expect you to lend a listening ear and give them complete approval. They use emotional withdraw and silencing to create guilt, compliance and control. They will betray personal information and secrets to feel more powerful. They will manipulate and use flattery or protests of their innocence (crying, pleading, and begging) like a stealth weapon to achieve their agenda and get their way. They will use verbal skills to block or deflect accountability for their perverse and out-of-control lifestyle and sift blame onto YOU. They impact lives negatively but miraculously escape exposure even appearing to have some positive effect and you end up the negative aspect of the relationship with them.

Their subconscious mind is where they create a delusional and false ego from which they relate to the whole world. They are their own fictitious creation that can change to fit into any and every situation as long as it supports THEIR agenda and you provide them with some sort of service they want AND need (we are only supply to them!)

Real relationships don’t exist for them because people are an expendable objects or supply that they harvest to meet all of their needs and then discard when they have gotten all they can. We are all only part time players on the narcissist’s stage along with many others. They need primary and secondary supply every waking moment, so they will create one on one relationships to have continual supply and then secure whatever other supply they can from the rest of the world.

They are capable of having more than one relationship going on at the same time with neither of the participants being none the wiser. REMEMBER they are insatiable and inexhaustible as far as their need for supply so the world is like a huge department store for them to get what they need at any time. Unfortunately, their envy of all man/womankind also drives them to destroy those that have realistically believed in them or loved them because they abhor our realty and love because they can’t be anything but the mindless and soulless monster they are. Simply calling this a personality disorder does not aptly describe the hate they display for life and people – the destruction they inflict does describe what and who they are AND it is criminal!

Their sole pursuit is their omnipotence or to be seen as God’s gift to the world through pathological deception and destructive acts but in reality they are only hiding a very damaged and dark world. There is no cure for them and this is evidenced by the many people that have offered unconditional love to them only to be rejected and destroyed through their efforts. Love can and will heal all and if it doesn’t then it is beyond human capacity to change a person that is this devoid of the natural goodness of life and they are only soulless creatures. Ask yourself why they imitate love, or why they wear it as part of their disguise if not to achieve their destructive agenda. They know it well enough to use it but obviously they can’t be it.

I want to educate, describe and give some insight about some of the typical ways a Narcissist maintains their ‘center of the universe’ agenda or omnipotence. How they operate as well as some of their manipulative reactions to warp our reality through blaming, shaming, drama, invalidating, making fun of your insecurities, and sharing secrets with others to triangulate and make you out to be the biggest piece of ‘poo’ in the world to build themselves up. This is all categorized as their manipulative CRAZY MAKING!

They will fake or imitate sincerity, caring, and honor under the guise of good intentions with an agenda to GET SOMETHING from you or anybody.

They blame and blame some more and then blame again, NEVER taking personal responsibility for anything they do wrong which is most everything!

They are HIGH maintenance creatures because they need your constant attention, praise, and deference to all of their whims, fancies and needs without a single consideration to any of your needs. Deprive them of something they want and look out as they reveal their true destructive nature through raging!

They COMPLETELY lack all empathy so they just don’t care who they harm, use, or abuse! It doesn’t matter if it is you, me, their mother/father, brother/sister, biological children, friends, senior citizens, husband/wife, the pastor/priest, law enforcement officials, and judges – get the point they will psychologically ABUSE everybody!

They may put on a great show, even smile when they meet you and even ask “How are you?”, but seriously they are not interested about you as a living and breathing person, yet alone an individual that shares this planet with them – you are only supply! Think of them as a trained parrot saying, “Pauley wants a cracker” but with them it is more aptly described as “Narcissist wants some supply.” There is no meaning behind the words with Pauley or the Narcissist, it is just a learned behavior to get something they want.

If you ever dare point out one of their many flaws or an error they made, they will strike out at you in a poisonous and defensive mode like a snake. They will counter any notion with anger, venting, rage, silencing, ignoring you with a cold shoulder, or abandon you as DUE punishment.

They will create some amazing and exciting plans, but rarely will make them happen. They want you to anticipate their generosity but they will never offer anything more than the empty words. It is all ‘make believe’ or better yet “manipulating you to believe.” Basically, it is a ploy to make you believe they are giving and caring. Ask them about the non-existent plans and they will turn it around on you saying you just never seemed interested, or they never said this or that, etc.

They will shift blame onto you to purposely make you feel defensive, then they will belittle and devalue you for being defensive, saying you are ‘an angry person’ or over-react taking everything so personally. Since they do this so seamlessly they always keep you in a place of insecurity and confused. They totally invalidate your ability to have any opinion as far as it concerns their words AND actions! You are always frozen in place to deflect the truth of what they are AND they will keep you there forever trying to only please them until you stop believing.

They will help you out in some manner but make you feel indebted for the little thing they have done AND they will keep reminding you of it! It invalidates the bigger picture of all that you have done for them.

They are psychotic blowhards, braggers, brow-beaters, psycho-bullies, arrogant, big-headed, and one enormous lie.
Whatever they may do to help you out, they will make you feel beholden to them FOREVER. But they are never appreciative or even acknowledge any help you give.

They are extremely skilled at making and warping your reality with their words, actions and manipulations basically conditioning you to crave their constant approval.

They build you up then knock you down. They will make you feel loved and very special, then they emotionally distance themselves from you to keep you unsure of the relationship and your reality.

They are a mishmash of behaviors and actions that they have harvested from different people they have met at different times in their life. All of their ideas or ways of behaving in any given situation are stolen from others, people they know or perhaps think of as an authority. They morph into these qualities like an actor memorizing their role in a play or a movie.

They push your buttons like an elevator, with constant ‘ups and downs’ to keep you off-balance blameworthy OR the very opposite of this with positive compliments to lock you back up into the cycle of abuse.

They groom you with subtle to extreme manipulation with a combination of charm and rage (harm) to keep you controlled.
Their sense of omnipotence and self-importance (extreme neediness) means that they will manage down the conversations of others and back onto themselves.

They are PATHOLOGICAL liars, using all forms of lies to deceive. To quote a friend of mine, “If they are breathing, they are lying!”
They treat people as servants and expect them to do mundane things or always pay their way, since they feel so deserving and too important to do them. They manage people down to be more of a servant to them without a voice.

They constantly use “I”, “me,” and “my” when they talk because they are the most important thing in the world – it is ALWAYS about them.

You will very rarely if ever hear them talk about their innermost thoughts, life, memories, or dreams, because there are none that are real and personal to them – they will LIE and make up situations to create a false image of their extreme goodness and amazing life. They will pose in a picture with their biological children as if they are such a real participant in their world when they just happened to be in a situation where their spouse did ALL of the work and the Narcissist poses for the photo opportunity only but did NOTHING real to support the spouse’s efforts in raising them.

They remain at a childlike level of maturity where there is never any growth – there is no operable maturity in their thinking.

It is always “me, myself, and I” and never ever “we” unless they need something so they manipulate you once more to believe in the “we.”

They express fake empathy, and use it as a tool that they con unsuspecting targets into their lair of darkness.

They only “give to get” by being nice or helpful expecting reciprocation. Always an agenda to get or take something as supply.

They present themselves as “having it all together or being on top of the world” never showing or divulging their many failures, weaknesses AND darkness!

They shift to a defensive mode and/or rage very frequently when they feel threatened or are made accountable for their deceptive manner. This is a HUGE control mechanism to keep you in a subservient place or role in their lives!

They apologize, but it is ALWAYS shallow and never means there will be a real change in the bad behavior they were called on, it just means they are reeling you back to abuse you more for supply!

They deflect or run from their own problems rather than addressing them responsibly AND just blame someone else in the world.

They will demand your trust rather than earning it – and they will never be transparent enough for you to see any of their real qualities only the fake ones they create to shore up their ‘good’ image. They KNOW that they aren’t real enough to trust, so they always deflect to hide what they really are.

They see you as an extension of themselves, an object to use, you are never an individual and they will resist your every attempt at freedom from being a source of supply.

They re-write history, create incredulous and false stories, euphemisms, make up their own rules and laws but obey none. Their truth is completely FALSE!

They always talk about themselves to stay in control – our role is that of an entity like a mirror where they can stroke their ego through the false image they reflect onto us!

They find all of your weaknesses and exploit them to make you feel vulnerable.

They honor NO personal boundaries and rarely listen or respect your “No.”

They will easily take advantage of others to reach their own goals without giving their actions a second thought. There is absolutely NO empathy in their world.

They will take or steal whatever they want from you or anybody. What is yours is theirs (without asking!)

Their façade is to always appear to be tough-minded, unyielding and unemotional to remain in control of others. But they will react to criticism with anger, blame-shifting, shaming or humiliating others to maintain their façade.

They fail to recognize people as individuals and consequently demean, devalue and dehumanize everybody that enters their lair of deceit.

They are very aggressive, hostile, verbally vicious, MEAN, and will punish anybody that wounds their delicate ego. They will divert to their defensive mode and will rip you apart with their rage and disgusting mouth. They think nothing of physically making fun of somebody to empower themselves and this makes them feel like they are in control.

They will vocalize regret for their actions but it is for ‘show’ and only for a short period of time. They will soon rationalize it away with blame, shame, projection and basically dumping it all down our throat as being the problem and not them.

They are ALWAYS the sexiest, best looking and they will tell you how this person and that one checked them out and ‘wanted’ them. Their appearance is important, so primping in every mirror, and fastidiousness is common ground for them.

They talk in such inappropriate ways and believe that they are above reproach and we actually want to hear their perverse words or listen to their descriptive dialogue about their out-of-control lifestyle.

They will rationalize everything to make sure they always come out on top by negating praise that is appropriated to someone else.

They will steal your idea, your quote, your plan, your wisdom and EVEN your life and make it their own. They will fake their credentials, re-write history, name drop, lie on their resume or about their credentials – anything to get what they want without earning it the correct way.

Narcissists can create destructive chaos in any organization or business environment and cause dissention among the people that work there. This includes volunteer situations, church organization or virtually any group setting that they join.

This is a PARTIAL list of how they successfully make their drama, manipulation, and ‘crazy making’ an operative agenda in every situation. If it is a day that ends in ‘Y’ you can count on the fact that the Narcissist is maligning somebody or everybody. Their abuse is never confined to just relationships they abuse every person and or situation that they are a participant of. Their abuse is all too familiar to their families, biological children, friendships, co-workers, and organizations they are involved in. Unfortunately, the closer you are to them the more apparent their abuse becomes. They charm their way into everybody’s lives and ALWAYS harm them. I coined the phrase from “Charm to Harm” because in my relationship I knew when my Narcissist was being so nice or charming it would blow up in my face and the harming part would be sure to follow. Allowing a Narcissist into your life is a train wreck waiting to happen. You must avoid them like the plague because their crazy making is really psychological abuse that severely damages people, their careers, and their whole life. No/minimal contact is the only anecdote to their destruction and poison! You CAN’T allow them into any aspect of your life! Lock them out of your heart and mind! Greg

That EXTREME love-bombing or CHARM – why do they do it when they don’t really feel it, mean it or KNOW IT?

That EXTREME love-bombing or CHARM – why do they do it when they don’t really feel it, mean it or KNOW IT?

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

So WHY does a Narcissist idealize their targets in the first place. Why do they invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of emotions, intimacy, and meaning in a relationship given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? Well this is what makes up the components of the abuse as well as defines them as predators, extortionists and the abusers they are. Basically the answer is quite simple – they need us like a parasite to survive in this world and they have no alternative because they are a part of this human race but they do NOT think or act like us. They must put on a façade of normalcy to fit in or else be exposed. BUT by mirroring us they find a temporary place to hide out and extort everything they need – we are only their last ‘people object,’ but we ALL have an expiration date with them. REMEMBER it is all a trap to pull us into their world!

Narcissists will search out people and get a feel for who will dance their dance, play their game and who won’t and that is what makes them purely predatory. So basically these Narcissist’s are surveying, assessing, and interviewing most everybody within their general habitat to find their next SOURCES of supply to prey upon. They seek out and find their primary supply and many other sources of supply on the side. Supply, supply, supply – that is the Narcissist’s ONLY goal and main objective, no real relationship, no real love, or no real future! They are like locusts attacking a field of wheat that they strip bare to satisfy their hunger. They don’t care that it causes the farmer great loss and they don’t miss the wonderful farmer whose crops they feasted upon or even send that farmer a thank you note OR establish closure of any sort – they just move onto the next field to pillage. Realistically a locust doesn’t trick a farmer into loving them, and the farmer is well aware that locusts exist, as well as what they can do to their crops. But that is my point WE didn’t realize that there was a dangerous creature out there that could do this to us with an arsenal of tools to achieve their agenda. The message here is that you CAN’T blame yourself or believe you are a fool – this was situational.

Here is where the big game of manipulation begins. They snuggle right up to your emotions and mimic them to create an amazing connection. Add to the equation that they are charming, intoxicating, AND they seduce their prey into their lair with lies and manipulation. They create a perfect ‘love story’ for us and seriously it is only a story and one written precisely for us and then mother nature does her part. It is a calculated move on the Narcissist’s part to figure out exactly how to find a place in our heart through our minds. They are quite good at it because they have fooled us or better yet conned us into a place where they will take advantage of our trust AND generosity. To a Narcissist it is just another day with no real thought or remorse to any of their adverse actions. They want something so they go after it and there are no rules or laws that they abide by as it concerns any harm they cause to people. Don’t forget that there is also NO empathy, so they don’t know ‘love’ or even have a clue what it feels like, but interestingly enough they mimic it very well. What an amazing and well thought out plan a Narcissist develops and uses to secure their supply that shouts out PREDATOR!

The relationship happens so fast and they swept all of us right off of our feet and into their destructive hands. The reality and the very scary thing here is that they knew exactly what they were doing (too bad we didn’t know this!) None of this was love at first sight, or two soul mates finally meeting up in life, or that prince/princess charming fairy tale that we have heard and read about! Furthermore, this was not coincidental, an accident or FATE – you met certain criteria and were selected, targeted and then pulled into their cycle of abuse. This is all premeditated because a Narcissist does NOT know ‘love’ or act upon loving emotions/feelings in the realm of any relationship, nor are they a supportive partner, or in it for the long run.

They are in this relationship (and I use this word loosely) to harvest their needs or SUPPLY just like you were a new washing machine. They will trade you in at the first sign of breaking down. They will overload your capacity and basically make you break down (just like a washing machine.) OH, and they probably are seriously entertaining a dryer (for supply,) a vacuum, stove, coffee maker etc. on the side. The point here is that they objectify people and we are basically an object to them and they have many objects that they are using at the same time. The difference is who provides the most supply gets the top billing with them.

Remember this – you just don’t ‘spot’ a Narcissist because they don’t have a sign over their head that identifies them as one. Plus, they are very evasive creatures that camouflage their true identity and darkness so they can walk among us freely searching for supply to harvest. Even now the facts of how many Narcissists are out there abusing people is probably way off. Do you think this predator is going to identify themselves in a census count? NO WAY because their false identity is part of their trade secret! It would be nice if after they are exposed they had to have a tattoo on their forehead that says “I am a Narcissist and dangerous to ALL people! ”

Again, it all depends on what the Narcissist wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him/her. If the Narcissist wants some sort of semblance of order and respectability or a façade of diversion behind which he/she can hide his/her TRUE and perverse nature to appear harmless and normal, he/she may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. If all he/she wants is to have some fun, it will be over within a short period of time, maybe even a couple of hours. If the Narcissist wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he/she may stay with you for as long as you excite him/her. It may even be a relationship so that the Narcissist can climb up the ladder of success in their career and they will target and charm THOSE people that will help them achieve their goal. If it is to secure an army of ‘minions’ to support the Narcissist’s façade they will create these relationships to avoid exposure. Despite the differences or the length of time or timeline that the Narcissist remains with ANY supply, what will remain constant is that eventually, you’ll be discarded as soon as you no longer serve his/her needs or until you catch them with other supply on the side and expose them! It is always and only about their needs and there are many sources of supply in their life.

The CLINICAL research does confirm that Narcissists suffer from a lack of empathy as well as the EMOTIONS that would be directly related to somebody that HAD empathy, so that makes their bonding superficial, at best. When they want something or someone they pursue that goal with all their might. You are a means to an end or a SOURCE of SUPPLY to feed their many needs. You were never idealized for YOURSELF, but for something else you had OR supply as it concerns this personality disordered Narcissist. But when their goal is actually you/us – then their pursuit feels very REAL because we are being SEDUCED and conned. They will even get married to pull us into this huge con or big lie and that gives them a lifeline to you/us legally and emotionally for their constant chaos and crazy making.

Temporarily we represent the object of their desire, the answer to their needs, the PRETEND love of their life and the key to their hollow happiness – remember they can’t do any of this on their own because of their psychopathic nature and lack of all empathy so they need other normal humans – but all they can do is OBJECTIFY people to fufill THEIR needs. But this feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s empty to the core, they are COMPLETELY empty – a big needy void. Add to this that they are addicts – and supply is their drug so they are always off and looking for the next fix! All of this pretty much fuels their out-of-control lifestyle. As we’ve observed, once the Narcissist feels they have you in their grasp AND once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on them, they GET BORED with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. We are THEIR supply in this psychopathic manipulation, and they are NOT going to be ‘our’ supply or give anything to us in return – this is a one-way street. So inevitably they are going to move on when we try to make this “relationship” real in a manner that we are a VIABLE part of it and have needs – that is when the devaluation and the blame is turned onto the victim. They are not in a relationship that grows in a normal manner, they are in a delusional and contractual agreement with every other human being that states we will SUPPLY the Narcissist with EVERYTHING they desire and expect NOTHING in return except for emotional and psychological abuse that can disable a victim’s core beliefs. No/minimal contact is the only way out! Greg

Reactionary abuse with a Narcissist – it is always about the reaction!

Reactionary abuse with a Narcissist – it is always about the reaction! It is always your fault no matter what the circumstances or the situation – ALWAYS! Let’s understand this and put more perspective on the Narcissist’s BLAMING us for EVERYTHING and ANYTHING!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

FACT: Narcissists simply bait you with their conversations in an effort to constantly manage you down in an effort to keep you confused and off balance. Just within a normal conversation it almost seems like they are testing you, assessing you, setting you up and that causes you to always walk on those eggshells. They are gauging your reactions to see just how far they can push you to the edge to get a chaotic reaction – that even includes the OCCASIONAL charm or love bombing and again different types of baiting you or simply diversions.

With those chaotic messages, they want you to react emotionally and after they bait you to get a reaction they will tell YOU to calm down, or say you are overreacting and make you internalize their disappointment with you. They want the upper hand always to feel in control so the whole point of this is to get you unhinged and they can and will get down and dirty to achieve this. Conversations are always a competition with them just like everything else with a Narcissist and you are always left out in left field with no real clue. Think of it like this – it is like the Narcissist purposely punches you and then gets angry at YOU and makes you wrong for reacting to the harm they have inflicted on you.

They will use actions as well to drive their point home with you. Suddenly they are not paying attention to you, or they are very eager to get you off of the phone. They will cancel a plan or just disappear without an explanation or basically isolating you and silencing you for no apparent reason. This pulls you RIGHT BACK IN feeling confused and thinking again. When they return you calmly confront their actions and receive a resounding “I’m SICK of always arguing with you – WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??” Well you never started an argument in the first place, you were only reacting in a manner to create some sort of cohesive understanding AND peace, but the Narcissist hones in on your confusion (and reactions) and labels them as arguments. They have successfully manipulated you right into their game to make you believe that YOU are to blame and a defective person. They will more than likely verbalize this to you as well because they love those words.

So how do they do this? Let’s use the example that they cheated on you or they are just being cruel to you. They won’t directly address the truth or reality of the situation but instead they will bring up something totally unrelated from the past that YOU have done wrong. It is sort of like a comparison to divert or deflect from their horrendous actions and basically justify what they have done. It is their way of keeping score, but they are always the winners because they are the scorekeeper. Perhaps you sincerely admitted to something you had done wrong in your past and you shared it even showing regrets for your actions. They will hold you hostage to this and accountable to whatever it was YOU did (even if it didn’t concern them) and then whatever they did really isn’t all that bad compared to your actions. So don’t you even DARE to hold them accountable or complain about what they did because they are going to bring up your indiscretion(s) from the past! This is not normal resolution this is deceptive manipulation on their part to shore up their lies and actions and a Narcissistic diversion and deflecting from the truth.

Again, all of this is done in an effort to put YOU on the defensive to avert all responsibility and accountability AND keep you off balance. In any situation where they are threatened by exposure of the reality of what they are the Narcissist has to SHAME you in a manner to stay in control. They have no shame for their actions though and I mean NONE whatsoever. They only transfer their defective qualities onto and into you and basically create strong labels that they attach to you that justify WHY they do what they do. This is really projection. They are transferring their own flaws onto you as well as seeking a reaction that basically confuses or confounds you to drive the point home. They HAVE to respond because they can’t just sit there and allow what they feel are blatant attacks ON THEM because they do NO WRONG! They HAVE to force you into submission so you internalize their attacks as reality of who YOU are. You are not any of this – AGAIN this is part of their extreme manipulation techniques – and one of many!

If you were able to pull yourself out of the confusion when they are doing this, you would clearly see that their reactions are so delusional and a huge defense mechanism to hide the very truth from themselves and everybody else. Educating ourselves about the truth of what a Narcissist is AND does is one of the most important aspects of recovery. It is the bridge that takes us to recovery. To heal we must understand, we must expel everything that we internalized from the manipulative Narcissist and their abuse. We have to realize that these are non-functioning individuals that are predators. There NEVER was a relationship with them, there NEVER will be a relationship with them, AND they are NOT capable of having a REAL relationship with anyone!

Let’s sum it up with this – if you can’t use your words with them in a manner to have a real conversation, or share your thoughts, express yourself. Or just talk normally than what do you have? Nothing! Communication is imperative to ANY relationship and if it is not there than there is no relationship whatsoever. This is the reality with a Narcissist because they are one huge control machine that is programmed to dismiss every aspect of your individuality. There is a lesson in all of this and that is that we have to completely actualize this and move on no matter what because we are not dealing with a normal person or anything normal with a Narcissist. There was never one conversation you have had with them that had any basis of reality because they have none to offer.

Along the same lines they do not change after we depart from them. The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure as well UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation or the ‘same old, same old!’ They probably ran off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day so let them be where they are. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. NO, they will only manipulate you more and use more projection to always make YOU out to be the person at fault. They are securing new supply and you reached your expiration date. ANY attempt at a connection would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! You couldn’t affect change with them all throughout your relationship so you are not going to be able to do that now either. The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along. No/minimal contact to truly get the clarity you need to move forward! Greg

The BIG BLAME GAME! Understanding the Narcissist’s agenda of devaluing us and then projecting THEIR faults onto us all at the same time. Narcissistic magic to make them the virtuous one by turning it around and blaming us for what THEY do!

The BIG BLAME GAME! Understanding the Narcissist’s agenda of devaluing us and then projecting THEIR faults onto us all at the same time. Narcissistic magic to make them the virtuous one by turning it around and blaming us for what THEY do!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

When a Narcissist verbally attacks, devalues, or projects slander onto their targets/victims, they have two objectives. One is projection of course (accusing us of what they do), BUT the other is to “dirty a bright spot in your character” with whatever lies or slander they are projecting at you. It’s as though any shiny part of your image diminishes the glow of their façade and that just pisses that destructive inner child of theirs off. You can never be anything but inferior to them. This is of course the mentality of the Narcissistic terrorist, who must malign and tear other people’s integrity down and ultimately harm OR destroy them with what only amounts to a chaotic counter attack to protect their distorted and damaged existence.

Projection and smearing at the same time is a work of art for the Narcissist, and it is uncanny how Narcissists manage to accomplish it. It’s all in the way their words are carefully placed, because not only do they ditch one of their faults, they muddy up one of your virtues in the process until they eradicate all of your goodness. They are so glib and amazingly adept at “killing two birds with that one stone.”

Think about situations where they may have been caught in one of their many lies – and instead of accepting accountability they completely divert and accuse you of the same thing and then they start dissembling you bit by bit! It is all about getting that reaction as well – because that takes the situation into another direction and away from them. SO again this is done to get us to react – In turn we start our own projecting back to our Narcissist – but NOT in any manner similar to what they project onto us – we project in an effort to use our empathy and critical thinking to TRY to make things right or fix them. But remember the Narcissist is training us like a dog to make us do tricks. So we learn that by remaining silent, avoiding making them accountable, showing more affection, being so good to them, or loving/caring them before ourselves, we get our just reward. Basically we project a ‘happy face’ when inside we are conflicted, protecting ourselves, confused, manipulated, betrayed and demeaned. It is absolutely dehumanizing and subjugation pure and simple. This is why they malign all people – I have a new term for this and it is ‘hate bombing!’ Just like the ‘love bombing’ it has its purpose to keep us controlled BUT in a negative and fearful way.

Their projection works amazingly well because it is just so much crazy thrown at us that we are never the wiser or seeing it as projection because it is shocking and then once again it adds another level of the abuse and damages our chances of fixing things ONCE AGAIN – bit by bit they are erasing us. We react by wanting to set it all straight, so it just put us back into that place where we were explaining ourselves again and bending over backwards to fix another deluded accusation – another day another loss of who we are?

Again, remember none of what they said about you was real, BUT It was real for the Narcissist because THEY were doing whatever they accused us of — SO to cleanse themselves of the horrendous wrongdoing they have done, they had to project this onto us and see us squirm and basically punish us for their acts of infidelity. They essentially put themselves up on their grand pulpit and exclaimed that they were OUR sins as well as proclaiming their high morality as in they would NEVER commit such an act when they just did. This is how they dump the guilt and patch up their virtuous façade. It is ALL about the reaction, deflection, attacking our virtues, turning the blame onto us.

It is all very confusing when you are going through it. But understand and remember this, the Narcissist isn’t attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments.’ Consequently, when the Narcissist is conducting a character assassination against you or someone else, the gun the Narcissists shoots never hits one of that person’s real flaws, it is shot at you (or whomever) to just wound you enough to disable you. Believe me they will keep shooting and wounding you in the hopes of completely crippling you as time goes by because they have to do this to remain in control and protect their false life and lies.

OK, so the point here was to understand some of the mechanics that will hopefully help you release from the blame and shame that the Narcissist dumped into your head. You don’t deserve to carry a debt for the time you spent with this person. You ARE a normal and loving human being that is equipped with empathy and you proved that all along. Do you ever remember feeling like this before you got involved with this Narcissist? NO, unless you were with another Narcissist. You didn’t magically go from a good person to an insensitive, non-caring person that could do nothing right in this crazy and debilitating relationship. You are not crazy or insane either. You were abused by a very defective person that ultimately managed you down more and more until eventually you lost sight of the real you. You will become that real person you once were because unlike the Narcissist WE ARE ABLE TO CHANGE. You were disabled by the extreme tactics used on you. With introspection, time, support and real love, you can and will turn around. It is time for you to BELIEVE in yourself completely and discard everything and anything about what this Narcissist made you believe about yourself. They were a nightmare in your life, and now that you are awake and free from them it is time to put the real perspective or truth back into your reality that you are a normal and amazing person that has the tools to become whole again. You really have to use them to succeed, so PLEASE no/minimal contact to start you out on that road to recovery! Greg

Was it real? Was it love? Was it connection? Was it ANY type of relationship? Was it a Narcissist? So many questions!

Was it real? Was it love? Was it connection? Was it ANY type of relationship? Was it a Narcissist? So many questions!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Those can be very tough questions to answer while you are directly in any type of relationship with a Narcissist. What I CAN say is that I was tricked by the best of the best as far as Narcissist’s go so my answer(s) came AFTER the fact. So, to start, most people assume that there are some normal common ground rules when we are connecting to one another in whatever capacity of relationship we are in or basically just part of the human connection in this space we share on earth. However, it is VERY important to know the LACK of any real emotional and moral depth (empathy) as it concerns a Narcissist (usually something we are not taught in school). IT is also imperative to understand that they are a predator that is adept at disguising themselves and charming (brainwashing) their prey into believing they have these normal qualities so that they can pull them into what can only be described as an abusive agenda. Unfortunately, the lesson is served and learned AFTER the fact. So now it is even more important to internalize these words and to move FORWARD by accepting the real truth that you already know from being in this relationship. It will also save you many steps in your recovery if you work from the truth instead of going backwards and searching for some sort of glimmer of hope to rekindle some sort of empty connection with them because that is all it amounts to. If you have to write it all out with the pros and cons then please do it so you have that truth written down and right in front of you. They don’t change, they don’t EVER apologize for their reality, they just don’t have the capacity to change nor do they want to. There are no other answers that you need beside the truth of YOUR personal situation.

The most important aspect NOW is convincing ourselves that this was a Narcissist and we were abused so that we get our ‘ah ha’ moment to move forward by putting energy into healing ourselves. Until we get there we will only remain in a confused state, blaming ourselves and reaching back to find out what WE did wrong (or more like what we were conditioned into believing we did wrong). This only adds our own personal layers to this abuse and that is just as damaging to us as if that Narcissist was right there in front of us blaming us again. What I can say through my experience is that everything does fall into place, but the process takes education, time, real support from other targets/victims and a personal commitment of OUR energy to purge all of the negativity out of us before we move forward. Don’t forget we can and may fall backwards and that again is just part of the process and we learn from our mistakes. There is also the overwhelming exhaustion from carrying so much anxiety and the trauma and that surfaces as physical ailments – so much to deal with and then there is more than likely a ‘smear campaign’ that is waiting for us and SUDDENLY we are the bad guy.

It is a rocky road to recovery and that is a given because this was emotional abuse. We stumble because it is an unfamiliar process to us and there are still things out there that we discover on our road forward. That Narcissist has been out there destroying your integrity with that SMEAR CAMPAIGN and well before the relationship ended. They have slandered you in every possible way just through knowing personal aspects of your life and using that familiarity to fuel their smear campaign by making it negative and sourcing out people to pit against you. Again, for now you have to put all of that on the back burner to get out of the immediate fog. Believe me that the people that listen to a Narcissist’s BS are not worth your time. Anybody that buys the Narcissists lies and gossip without allowing you to be present to tell the truth and defend yourself are just as disordered and toxic as the Narcissist. In the end, I didn’t lose the people I loved that were real and important in my life. What I can say from my experience is that I had to prioritize and my well-being had to come first to get to a healthy place before I took on more of the ambient chaos, crazy making and abuse. Again, still part of the process from this abuse – but understanding it at least allows CLARITY and starts us out and into a good direction.

Who could EVER believe the truth that presented itself to us and lives in us about this abuse OR how someone just used us for the time they did and how they were inclined to destroy us as well. It is still hard for me to accept, but I know better because I lived through it and the truth is right there to back it up. What I can’t believe is that there are human beings capable of this and as a normal person with empathy it is not within my realm to understand them! But more importantly what I learned is that I don’t have to ‘get it’ so completely, I just had to understand it and accept the truth to forget about that Narcissist because they are what they are and that HAD to be enough to get OUT of the cycle of this sadistic emotional and psychological abuse – I HAD TO SET MYSELF FREE! Knowing and believing this enables you to move forward and work on everything else that involves getting healthy. Don’t waste your time on getting into their heads, or trying to understand them, or trying to fix THEM because you are only denying the truth YOU ALREADY KNOW! It is now time for you to get past this psychological abuse so you can enter back into a great world feeling healthy! It is a necessity to focus on yourself!

What about ALL of those memories and the time you spent together, the plans, goals, dreams, holidays and fun. Well let’s put a little spin on that. How much fun, love, bonding, etc., comprised the relationship from day one to the final discard. Perhaps 1/1000th of it and even that was probably lies and manipulation too. Personally, I didn’t have fun past the first year. I was a full-time baby sitter and servant to a mean and spoiled child. I spent more of my time dealing with justifications and bending over backwards to try to fix what was unfixable. I felt like I was always in the corner sitting on a stool getting my verbal beatings and told how awful I was because this so-called relationship was purely a desperate love. This type of relationship is disabling and crushes a person’s soul!

I had those same questions too like wondering if I was crazy, insane, or ‘off my rocker?’ Probably so but not by choice. The effects of the slow abuse took me there day by day. I became disabled because I was meant to be taken there by this destructive and abusive person. That is victimization – and even as much as I hate that word it is the REAL definition and I had to understand it or stay frozen in denial. It helped me understand the process and then the rest of it was up to me as far as my personal responsibility, new boundaries, and moving forward. I have found those wounded parts of me that helped me understand my part and I worked through them. I separated the facts with the TRUTH and I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS ABUSE, nor am I am crazy, or felt that this is all I deserved, or anything like that! Clarity is what gave me the opportunity to put this into perspective. No contact gave me the opportunity to stop the chaos and find my footing again.

There are drugs that paralyze the mind that predators use on their victims, and then there is manipulation that brainwashes a person’s mind. One is quick (the drug) and the other (manipulation) is a slow and insidious process administered over time, but both methods essentially do the same thing to the target/victim and that is altering their state of consciousness with a destructive agenda that is meant to control and dehumanize the target/victim by debilitating their normal thought processes. So, we don’t (and didn’t) react as a healthy person would. Yes, this was betrayal and a huge con job that was psychological terrorism or psychological rape. Both designate the same meaning that this was mediated by a highly dysfunctional person with an agenda to extort through disabling a person’s mind. Yes, I defined this using a different angle, but it does put the definition of this abuse in a shocking but realistic portrayal. I guess I am saying this to help targets/victims get a stronger sense of this abuse to help lead them to their ‘ah ha’ moment. This is dehumanization and subjugation of a human being and WRONG no matter what. It is a disaster as far as it concerns us personally and we have to come out of this as a whole person again and this must be our goal.

The Narcissist does not even REMOTELY consider the person who is their supply as a person at all. They compartmentalize all of their sources and create different worlds for each person to get constant and REVOLVING supply. We naturally minimize the truth by believing we are the only person in a relationship with them because we NEVER really see the whole picture and the Narcissist makes it so by controlling us to keep believing. Furthermore, a Narcissist does not allow individuality in a person because they objectify us and categorize us by what we can provide for them or how they can benefit from us – we all have our separate roles to support them! They are a parasite and you are the host and they will suck every ounce of life out of you that they can and THAT is why you have to get them out of your life completely.

Anyone – be it a male or female that expresses and type of awe, wonderment, gratitude or praise for the Narcissist’s accomplishments and performance, OR their looks, skills, talent or anything else is readily accepted and pulled into their world. Anyone that expresses complete and unending gratitude for anything/everything the Narcissist has ever done for them, said to them, or told them is also readily accepted and pulled into their world. Also, anyone who expresses sympathy and agreement with the Narcissist’s self-perception that he/she is God’s gift to an undeserving world. Anyone who shows complete adoration and compliments/supports the Narcissist for their amazing mind, body, special spiritual connections, job, car, home, clothing, style, and wisdom, etc. Anyone willing to give up their time, MONEY, attention, or life in order to meet all the Narcissist’s needs. Anyone who will acknowledge that the Narcissist is completely entitled, special and above people so much so that they (Narcissist) should not be subject to normal rules, regulations, or laws. Anyone willing to join the Narcissist’s team, and show righteous indignation for his/her suffering, which is FAR greater than most and always undeserved no matter what! Anyone that will join the Narcissist’s battle to destroy people they have intentionally harmed as well as support their destructive agenda. Anyone who shows complete agreement that the Narcissist is so special, misunderstood by the entire world, and under-appreciated. Anyone that is willing to overlook the occasional, or repeated violations and exploitation of them for any reason becomes special and ARE ACCEPTED AND PULLED INTO THE NARCISSIST’S WORLD and becomes SUPPLY! None of us are better than the next source or previous source, WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT FORMS OF SUPPLY period. Everybody is a puppet that the Narcissist manipulates to create their false world. Look behind the Narcissist and you will see many puppets they have used/destroyed and then thrown into the garbage after they have served their purpose! The Narcissist even sources out their minions to support that the Narcissist is innocent in ANY wrong doing so they can bury you alive with more lies! NOW ask yourself what part of any of this would you want to participate in.

One thing that is very important to understand and that is to differentiate between what you believe is love and the reality of the Narcissist’s TRUE agenda. Narcissists will cling to you as their main source of supply as long as you are serving them and giving your all! But the second they find someone with more supply than you, they are gone and they have damaged you, your integrity, and your life and extorted most everything that they could get away with. They will leave you in a heartbeat and never look back as well as blame you as being the problem. They will leave their biological children behind as well so they can move on to their next source and a new family and community to support them. These creatures JUST DON’T care because everyone is just an object. Unfortunately, you also loved them and believed in them and somehow thought that if you gave everything you could things would change or perhaps the Narcissist would change! No, they were reaping the benefits of their agenda and game plan and sucking your life dry. THIS is the extent of the relationship with them – that huge image of LOVE that you have spent many years developing with them, pursuing, tendering, holding onto, etc., is what they used to COMPLETELY support their agenda to make sure they were able to tap you as another source for of SUPPLY. The Narcissist’s manipulation tactics were seamless enough to fool you so COMPLETELY! This is the whole truth in a nutshell that you have to accept as reality even after all the time you put into them. It is not easy to accept this truth but we must if we want to break that emotional bond that they tricked us into believing was real. You have to stop believing anything about them or they will keep coming back for more because this is what they do, BUT THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE OR STOP ABUSING AND EXTORTING! No/minimal contact to start on your journey to recovery. Greg

How many times have you found yourself shaking your head in complete amazement AND confusion at what the Narcissist has just said to you? How many times have you been so shocked with things they have said that are the direct opposite of what you know they have said, or maybe what YOU have said, or something that is an outright LIE? How many times have you tried to rationalize through their constant maze of chaos? How many times you seen bright red flags that gave you that sense that something is terribly wrong with this person?

How many times have you found yourself shaking your head in complete amazement AND confusion at what the Narcissist has just said to you? How many times have you been so shocked with things they have said that are the direct opposite of what you know they have said, or maybe what YOU have said, or something that is an outright LIE? How many times have you tried to rationalize through their constant maze of chaos? How many times you seen bright red flags that gave you that sense that something is terribly wrong with this person? Let’s RESOLVE this with truth and clarity and purge it out of our hearts and heads – there is something wrong with this person.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

In a normal relationship there is understanding and compromise and NEVER constant confusion and chaos over everything and anything that comes out of the other person’s mouth. However, with abusive and high-conflict individuals (Narcissists) there is no truth, reality, compromise or understanding which equates to absolutely NO EMPATHY, care, or truth on their part as long as it serves them. With a Narcissist there is merely a pattern of distortion and manipulation of facts/reality with a delusionary design or spin. What that interprets into for their target/victim is emotional and psychological terrorism and abuse. THIS WAS NEVER about you or anything YOU did – this is about the pathological person/Narcissist standing in front of you. They are like poison to all people!

Remember – this is all tactical on their part so they KNOW what they are doing! The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication and the truth to divert reality and cause chaos, so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is at the moment and it is everchanging! They live by NO standards but have many interchangeable ones that they make up as they go based on a particular agenda. Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask, so beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live and we SUPPORT.

How does a simple question. a simple comment or ANYTHING turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are and they HAVE to protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade.

This is all done in a manner to control the target/victim and keep them in a constant state of complete ambiguity and REALITY QUESTIONING, “is it me or is it them”. The target/victim is always questioning reality – where there is NO reality as it concerns a Narcissist. It is all part of the Narcissist’s agenda and a well thought out plan for them to keep their target/victim controlled by confusing, diverting/deranging reality, dehumanizing and basically psychologically manipulating the target/victim to keep them in a constant state of despair. This is us dancing with the Narcissist – and they provide the music as well as the dance steps and the choreography. Again the most important aspect in all of this is the manner in which the Narcissist controls a target/victim starting this whole process with positive manipulation or “love bombing” to first gain our trust to destroy it and us later – after they have extorted everything they could from us.

Ambiguity, lies, and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing reality, but the Narcissist also does this with an agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives, then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity!

Many ask hat was it that made us so very vulnerable to their abuse? HERE IS THE ANSWER; it was that shrewd con job and pathological lies that they created for each of us personally that I outlined above. It doesn’t require a classification of person you are or anything else to justify the abuse – THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE so don’t blame yourself – grow with boundaries so it never happens again. It is while you are feeling these things like being weak, fragile and confused that you will call upon an inner strength you never knew you had AND you will recover from this insidious abuse. Just NEVER allow the Narcissist or your abuser to return because they will only twist the knife in your back as often as you allow them to – mine did and it was more hideous each time I allowed it. BUT then the anger and repulsion I felt from realizing the truth enabled me to discard and abandon the monster that played with my life FOREVER. NO CONTACT = YOUR FREEDOM! Greg

YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns reality in a very normal manner, BUT the Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through manipulation and deception to make you BELIEVE they are like you in every way when they are the direct opposite and purely toxic and SOON to be destructive to YOUR life and well-being!

YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns reality in a very normal manner, BUT the Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through manipulation and deception to make you BELIEVE they are like you in every way when they are the direct opposite and purely toxic and SOON to be destructive to YOUR life and well-being!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

These are very cunning creatures and it is virtually impossible for a ‘normal’ person to wrap their head around this because Narcissists can and do act as if they are perfectly normal, and SANE – they can also be high functioning individuals but they lack the internal mechanisms to support ANY healthy interactions with other people! Then the question arises as to how they keep up the many charades with different people as well as how they are able to lie so easily, hurt people, and not have any remorse?

So how do they do this? They compartmentalize situations, people, and events completely and keep them separate. Narcissist are very private about their world because it is filled with so many secrets and lies AND basically they live double lives and even triple/quadruple lives or as many as they can maintain! ALL of these different lives they maintain consist of secrets and lies AND information that is potentially negative and destructive to the Narcissist’s lifestyle so if the truth is revealed and the Narcissist is exposed then the ‘gig’ is up so a few extra lies on top of all of the other lies is just commonplace in the Narcissist’s world!

If their twisted lifestyle or the secrets/lies are revealed either accidentally or purposefully it will cause great chaos or perceived harm to the Narcissist and those (their supply) around them essentially destroying their world. The Narcissist doesn’t care about what YOU or I feel, they care about what they NEED to survive and hiding the truth of who and what they really are. SO, they are aware of just what they need to do to keep that façade going in each and every situation. Narcissists will use drama, rage, threats, fear, and deflection tactics by ALWAYS blaming everyone else for their deceptive behavior as well as creating great confusion with stories that just don’t make sense – it is all ‘smoke and mirrors!’ You will completely ‘get this’ one day as I unfortunately did and it is a horrendous revelation when the truth is right there in front of you!

Narcissists have a lot of internal shame driving them because of their inability to live outside of their out of control fantasy world – they just can’t face their reality. AGAIN – they are like magicians that create their false magic with smoke and mirrors, but the magic the Narcissist uses are their words and lies so quickly and effectively in an effort to confound or confuse our ability to see or hear the very lies that are right in front of us. They are not fully functioning human beings that completely lack empathy and do not know love, but they need us to satisfy their needs like we need air to breath. This is why they con the world into believing they are WHAT THEY AREN’T!

Furthermore, Narcissists will keep many, many secrets from EVERYONE close to them and spin such intricate webs of lies that are tailor made for each person in their life AND that is why you feel so special and like YOU are the ONLY one – again they compartmentalize everything. They will play one side against the other by triangulating to divide and conquer keeping the truth separate by keeping people and relationships separate. It is purely a diversion tactic that they create between people. Narcissists will also ALWAYS play the victim card as if they were the one that was taken advantage of without knowledge and fell into whatever the situation and couldn’t help what they did because they are the honorable one that took the fall for someone else – ALWAYS lies and blame OR transference! They are also very adept at spinning lies around a little bit of truth especially as it concerns PAST relationships or their many PRESENT lies and betrayal. My Narcissist had to work overtime to cover up the disastrous turmoil that this Narcissist caused to an ex-spouse and family.

OK so the nitty gritty to help you understand how a human being can be like this! Narcissists don’t live in the real world OR a real world. They live in their own world made up of fantasy, lies, delusions, deceit, and perversion. They have their own reality that everyone that has any part of their life must accept or they will be deemed crazy, punished, and even destroyed. They live in a world where they make up all the rules and then break all the rules. In this world, everyone must think just like them or better yet approve everything that the Narcissist does without question or prejudice. If you are a part of their life you can never reflect anything that would reveal their true Identity or ask for accountability.

All of the Narcissist’s sins and indiscretions must be forgiven and accepted but YOU must be perfect and basically their servant and caretaker. Acceptance and adoration must be given to the Narcissist CONSTANTLY, but absolutely none is given to you in return. In their world ABUSE is how they show love and you must accept the abuse because that is all you are worthy of. You must support their deluded actions without blinking an eye, but if you breathe wrong you will be severely punished.

Living in their world will always involve gas-lighting, betrayal, pathological lying, isolation, triangulation, and extreme manipulation so they can keep their false identity in place. You constantly have to tip toe around the Narcissist’s fragile ego to keep them happy so that their true identity and nature doesn’t rear its ugly face and THIS becomes your new normal. Living in their world is like walking through a field of land mines or hidden bombs and you never know when they will explode but when they do the Narcissist is always there detonating them! This is no life that any person deserves or should even want to be a part of – but it takes time to ‘get it’ because of the superficial love and charm that conned you into this desperate love.

It is in reality a distorted land of make believe and everything is fine as far as the Narcissist is concerned because it totally serves them. BUT it is a land of horrible secrets and painful lies for the victim. THE ONLY truth is a relative truth based on what YOU may believe the relationship really is and that shrewd Narcissist will reinforce those beliefs and keep you connected to their abusive world so YOU will give them supply because that is why they are there and expended ANY energy whatsoever. YOUR relationship IS ONLY held together through fear, guilt and obligation – that and being a source of supply to this Narcissist until they find a replacement.

The Narcissist sabotages everything and everyone because NOBODY can be better or do better than the NARCISSIT! It is a place where your dreams will die quickly and your self-esteem and self-worth die along with them. It is a place where love does not exist at all! Suddenly after so much time together with this Narcissist your world is no longer the one you believed in. You question everyday reality, but most of all you question yourself. You wonder how you could have been so naive, foolish, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing, etc., etc. You were betrayed and duped in a hideous fashion by the great manipulator! It was just your turn to replace old supply and shore up the Narcissists lies. You essentially became their safe haven after their last target/victim and just new supply. It is unfathomable in our world to understand how ANY person could be this way but they are personality disordered and not fully functioning human beings.

YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns reality in a very normal manner! BUT the Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through deception to make you BELIEVE they are like you in every way when they are the direct opposite and purely toxic and basically dead inside. With all of their overt manipulation they make you believe they are so full of charm and love AND there is no reason NOT to reciprocate back with your love, devotion and TRUST. You see no other reason than to believe him/her because if the Narcissist acts like you (the NORMAL person), reciprocates by saying that he/she likes or loves you, then there is no reason not to believe him/her because in your or my past, people who acted in this manner and spoke these exact same words could be trusted. You only believed there was congruency or reality in the initial connection and you did what other normal people did and went with it because the Narcissist LIED so well and hid their secret perverted world from you! But not now because time has changed so many things.

Suddenly you learn that someone (the Narcissist) you trusted implicitly, be it a spouse, lover, family member, close friend, etc., has been putting you down, backstabbing you, lying, manipulating others against you, betraying you, and yet STILL maintaining a FALSE stance of intimacy, friendship or LOVE with you. It is just impossible to understand because it is a horrendous betrayal, so your world becomes so unclear and now you have such conflict and animosity about this. Unfortunately, you are stuck between these two worlds – one where you believed in their love and one where you see truth that it was a distorted love meant to harm you! There are so many areas of your life that are impacted by the abuse that are so far reaching that it has even reached your deepest level or core beliefs and literally changes your identity! It is just never one area that is affected by this abuse, it is our emotional, spiritual mental and even your physical world that is seemingly altered forever! Each area requires its own recovery process and the reason why recovering takes time.

Life circumstances will naturally draw you back into the trauma. Something will trigger a horrendous memory and we relive those moments where we were horribly betrayed and taunted by this Narcissistic terrorist who conned us into believing they loved us to extort our life through their cruel and distorted love. There will be innocuous triggers all around us that reignite the trauma from the abuse and we will either run from these situations or put up huge walls to avoid personal contact to avoid being hurt again! It may affect your future relationships and you only question what YOU did wrong and reinforce what the Narcissist told you and that you are damaged and will always be alone. It is a fear of the hold they still have on us AND our future because of the heinous psychological terrorism/rape they inflicted on our minds. They are like a ghost that constantly haunts us and reminds us that evil exists out there and almost destroyed us.

You will more than likely hear that this Narcissist is with someone new and right back to their old tricks and getting away with their abusive crimes again. You may also hear that the Narcissist is succeeding somehow and even believe that this Narcissist is doing so much better than you! No this is the travesty of this abuse and how it has stolen your good belief system and replaced it with the darkness of a Narcissist. This is not reality it is the abuse foreshadowing your attempts to think normally and break free. Years of being managed down and abuse has made you vulnerable to everything that is only life and not meant to harm you. Narcissists are completely empty and cannot feel happiness, love, success, care, or anything that we can so please understand that everything to them is temporary until they find something else to replace it with – their world is completely external.

Recovery requires a complete indulgence and openness to look inward. It is a process that requires education, introspection, spirituality, voicing your fears, connecting with other targets/survivors, and a therapist if possible. You MUST totally acknowledge the truth about this person you loved and that is that they are an abuser, psychological terrorist, and psychological rapist. The process begins when you say no to the negative messages left behind and open your ears and eyes to a new life that seeks out true goodness because it is still there where it always was. Finally, you must put the Narcissist away forever because there is absolutely nothing that you need to connect with as far as it concerns them. That means any unreal memories or any other thought about them! You may want to see them fail with their next victim BUT they will move onto another victim and then another and you can’t be bothered trying to find closure in this manner. The wounds will turn into scars and you will come out of this with new boundaries, a new voice and your old belief system back in place but so much stronger. DON’T allow them to have a hold on your complete future! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

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