Moving on with more of the truth!

Moving on with more of the truth!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

With emotional and psychological battering/abuse victims are entrapped by extreme manipulative and psychological persuasion over a lengthy period of time. What was the nature of our perpetrator when we met them? Did they have us at gunpoint forcing us into this psychological terrorism or did they offer us something so very familiar, normal, trustworthy, and welcoming called LOVE? Yes, they manipulated us with something familiar and so believable that ANY person would fall for the fake charm and love bombing – if that doesn’t define a predator, I don’t know what does! I have met very many wonderful friends from all over the world since I started writing about this abuse that I interact with daily. They are some of the strongest people I have ever encountered. There isn’t anything about them that shouts out to me that they allowed their abuse! They are full of love, empathy, and high functioning individuals! Abuse is not your fault it is situational!

Well let’s go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let’s define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced and unhealthy and basically not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or they are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us – the label doesn’t matter BUT the truth and education DOES. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims. The key words that describe the whole cycle of abuse is love-bombing, devaluation, discard and I always add DESTROY! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled and that is what we must fix – not the relationship, justify it or the Narcissist – recovery is about us!

The journey to recovery is now a process because we were unconsciously living and dealing with all the destructive messages we internalized and validated as our reality. We must seek out education about this abuse and the truth about our situation as a key to unlock the door to our recovery. Yes, those messages are going to be in our head for a good while BUT we must create a healthy balance and desensitize them. What this means is that we must move into a place where it is possible for us to recognize that a person HAS betrayed us in a manner to control us through mental abuse. We have to think about it in terms to validate the truth of the situation, but not to try to dissect the Narcissist and put our energy into trying to get into their heads. We spent a great deal of time trying to fix or basically heal them and we gave away too much of ourselves. Turn this around and accept the truth that they are completely disordered and put that healing power back into yourself.

The recovery process is so multi-dimensional that it means that there are no simple answers to the question “how do I stop the pain and what do I do to move forward with my recovery?” There are answers that we need to have in the beginning of our recovery but they are basically concerning the educational process and a tried and true direction so we are ‘in the know’ about this disorder and can get our ‘ah ha’ moment and move forward.

The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure – UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation. They ran off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. That would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along.

Seriously I had to shut my Narcissist down with complete no-contact or go insane listening to the craziness! It was crystal clear what I was dealing with, and I shut it down completely. I would still be receiving emails and text messages to this day if I didn’t. It was like a party to this Narcissist being able to have free range ‘raging’ at me, making fun of me, telling me sick and perverted stories of their crazy sex life, and projecting every horrendous thing this Narcissist did ‘onto and into’ me. That was enough for me to actualize just how dysfunctional this person was/is. Seeing and hearing them when their mask is off is frightening and eye opening. It was like projectile lies and ‘crazy making’ being shot at me from everywhere.

It is important for all of us to be validated as it concerns this abuse, but that validation has to come from ourselves because a Narcissist is NEVER going to allow themselves to be exposed as an abuser. In fact, that Narcissist is STILL abusing AFTER THE FACT through a vicious smear campaign using every piece of personal information, they have learned about you against you. This is just more of their devaluation and when they abandon you, they mean to leave no trace of your reality intact!

The Narcissist has manipulated and managed us down to the point of not trusting OUR own feelings and perceptions. Over the years, we internalized this twisted and distorted relationship and bent our own emotions in an effort to fix the relationship we THOUGHT we had. We can’t buy into those distortions and recover. That process is still running through our heads even though they have physically parted from our lives, and we MUST shut this down. It was a horrendous roller coaster ride to keep us in a state of confusion and fear with so many ups and downs with no end to the ride and now it is time to jump off. YES, we believed it was love, but it was a desperate love that cost us a great deal – the truth is right there in those words!

As hard as it may seem for us to purge all the abuse out of us, it CAN be done. We were normal and psychologically sound people pre-Narcissist and we can get back to what and who we once were. It does require deep introspection and setting up new and strong boundaries in our life and even taking a look at our part in any of this. There are many theories out there and they all have their purpose, but it must begin with us. Get healthy first by breaking completely away from the emotional tie or that bond that only you formed with the lie from the Narcissist. This can be done with minimal contact as well (when there are divorce proceedings or biological children) – BUT everything that ties you to a Narcissist has to be BUSINESS only because they abuse and want to always have that control over you to drag you back in – DON’T let them.

You HAVE the ability to change if you deprogram the messages that have been imprinted on your mind but only if you ALLOW yourself to be your OWN motivator in this process. Just say ‘NO’ to the Narcissist. Remember the old drug campaign that showed an egg as describing your ‘healthy’ brain, and then it showed that same egg in a frying pan stating this is your brain on drugs (the fried egg.) Well just switch that around to the fired egg being your brain after being with a Narcissist. Please understand no/minimal contact and start of your road to recovery, it is imperative to moving on! Greg

Narcissists are incompatible with life and other human beings – it would be comparable to attempting to combine oil and water – they just do NOT combine no matter how hard you try!

Narcissists are incompatible with life and other human beings – it would be comparable to attempting to combine oil and water – they just do NOT combine no matter how hard you try! They only view the world as their playground to take what they want and never give back and we are their toys they use. They view or better yet PORTRAY themselves as omnipotent, moralistic, religious, ALWAYS THE VICTIM, as well as many other things that they stamp onto their worldly resume – none of which have any real connection to who and what they are – abusive and destructive predators that do not coexist NORMALLY with other people.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

A Narcissist never looks inward in a manner to see that they have a personality disorder, or that their world is built on lies and appearances – that is merely a clinical definition for us to sort of understand them. Furthermore, they never admit to being wrong, doing anything wrong, or having wronged or destroying the many lives that they do. However, the Narcissists HAS wronged others, be it cheating, lying, manipulation, hurting them emotionally or physically, BUT a Narcissist manages to project blame on and into the targets/victims and everyone around them. They also have their minions and a new supply to support them or filter their lies through, as well as hide behind to avoid exposure.

In fact, the Narcissist will view him/herself as superior or above the rest of humanity. Narcissists do not see themselves as the SELF-SERVING pathological and destructive person that lives their entire life like a parasite using and taking advantage of others, objectifying people, and then moving on once they have been emotionally drained and damaged a person. Nor does the Narcissist see how flimsy their thin veneer of lies, and false credentials are. No instead the Narcissist will project their false image and describe themselves as a hero of sorts or even a saint as far as it concerns humanity and their role here on earth! Well, this is part of their disordered and damaged self that enables the Narcissist to live in complete denial of the damage they inflict onto people’s lives. There are no written laws, rules, or regulations that a Narcissist will follow. They are in COMPLETE denial of their false lives! They have absolutely no notion or care as it concerns right and wrong or truth and lies.

The Narcissist considers him/herself above the norms of goodness and elude or defer that any of their action’s borderline being outright evil toward others. That is the double-edged sword that they attack the world with. The truth is that their lives are all about double standards or what serves them. A Narcissist will stand tall and preach about morality as if all cheaters should burn twice in hell, but as he/she is giving their lecture from the pulpit they are also surveying the room to find a little extra supply to have on the side. But the Narcissist is not a cheater in their mind – they are DESERVING because they are special and above reprise for their actions in life.

A Narcissist lives in such a self-contained world of fear and hate that they must shore it up with every possible denial mechanism available to them to hide the true monster that they really are. It must require an insurmountable amount of energy for them to maintain their disordered fortress that is built on so many layers of lies. A Narcissist most certainly does not want others to use, manipulate, lie, and hurt him/her as he/she does to them. That is why there are so many rules (double standards) in their world that we must abide by. That really sounds like a Narcissist has a master plan and is very cognizant of their actions! It is the Narcissist’s pathological denial that leads them to focus only on their desires, pleasures and needs that also blinds them to their abusive nature and protects them from self-blame. They just project it onto and into us and BAM it is magically gone from their conscious world, and we take the blame and shame. AND to further drive the point home they even punish us and think we are weak because they get away with this CRAP!

Their modus operandi or the tools of their trade are manipulative words, pathological lying, slander, back-stabbing, and a cunning personality like that of a fox! Watch the Narcissist as he/she grins at their own exploitive games that accompany their malicious actions. It reveals the reality that their behavior and intentions are as far removed from caring, loving or having any semblance of empathy. The Narcissist has one main goal and that is to trample each person that is involved in their lives. Once you enter Narcissist-ville you sign away your right to freedom or individuality, and you better be ready to become an indentured servant to the Narcissist, as well as take your emotional beatings regularly. Your lawful rights are striped from you, and you are now under the rule of a sadistic dictator and there is no way to escape their rule unscathed or damaged. The Narcissist intends to control people through negativity, harm, and fear. This is how the Narcissist maintains their evil reign of terror. It is an epic relationship with them because they start you out on this journey by loving you – or so they say to open the door to their abusive world!

Admitting faults or taking responsibility for their harmful actions would take some degree of empathy of which they have NONE. It is virtually impossible for the Narcissist to put themselves in other people’s shoes and seeing him/herself as causing harm and destruction. Not only is the Narcissist incapable of this it also repulses them to believe they are anything less than perfect. Remember the Narcissist is omnipotent and as such is superior and always in charge of their delusional world. They will never put themselves in a position where they would even consider anything negative or wrong about their own self-absorbed and tyrannical nature – this would be a weakness on their part. This superior concept that the Narcissist maintains is consistently mirrored in everything they do. We all end up failing to meet their needs so we will be dismissed by this grand dictator. Remember the Narcissist’s self-absorbed perspective defines humanity as existing only to serve his/her immediate needs. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

A Narcissist is basically a parasite that lives off of other human beings. The Narcissist is an EXTREME egotist that denies the truth of their repulsive world to themselves and cleverly hides it by the means of a false reflection or mask to pathologically fool or snare us into their grasp. The more the Narcissist can successfully ‘seduce’ others and convince them that they are loved the more the bounty (supply) for the Narcissist. They are self-created, or better yet, self-de-created, and then FALSELY re-created. What is re-created is not a self, but a reflection or ‘FUNCTIONAL” copy of a working image of a human being to disguise the vast VOID that they are. It is a compilation of observations the Narcissist has made from watching people and mirroring what he/she sees back to them – imitating their good qualities, likes/dislikes, everything, and anything to draw us into their web of deceit. They really bring home the definition of ‘having something in common’ with people. They MORPH into having EVERYTHING in common with us!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The habit of treating a human being or a person as a means to an end is utilitarian (to satisfy a need or fulfill an AGENDA) and fundamentally an inhumane or a pathological and perverted manipulation of our basic human rights. A Narcissist USES all people to feed their endless ‘depravity void’ through injustice by his/her regard for others as mere instruments/objects to satisfy the Narcissist’s own gratification. The closer the association to a Narcissist the more pathological the Narcissist becomes, and the more damage done to the target/victim. Their needs are far more than just extorting basic life and biological needs – it is their psychological needs that cause the most damage to their target/victim. It is their need to control and gain dominance or power over other people that damage and destroys them. They are BASICALLY human with most of the same biological needs (like eating, breathing and sexuality) but when it comes to mental functions, they are delusional and seem to have a battle that rages in their head to seriously harm people that love them as if they loathe all people and need to destroy them one by one.

 The Narcissist is incapable of love because at the core of his/her narcissism is the total refusal to revere others as individuals or to truly love and appreciate others as ‘another’ self, equal to the omnipotent Narcissist. It is a fortress or huge wall of jealousy that is weak and wobbly because it always comes tumbling down and the Narcissist shows their true colors with their debasing and dehumanizing mannerisms. What the Narcissist loves is the false self he/she has created and that he/she needs to see reflected in the affirmation and supply from others to feel real and alive. They are actors and actresses picking and choosing their roles and perfecting them to receive their ‘Emmy’ award or better yet SUPPLY from their audience. It is basically a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist is more akin to a TICK feeding on us to survive, as well as infecting us with their poisonous saliva that can and will disable us. We are just a source to feed them, entertain them, and cover their disfigured and abusive lifestyle. After being objectified and abused we are then blamed/shamed and destroyed as if in a ritual way to remove ANY and ALL accountability from the Narcissist because he/she can never allow themselves to see the reality of their disordered life and the destruction they cause – EVER. This is the truth about their superiority or omnipotence – it is as flimsy as their reality in this world.

 Since a Narcissist is incapable of truly loving another as an individual, all of the Narcissist’s relationships with others are perverted, twisted, and abusive. To use a person is to abuse a person, and everyone in the Narcissists life, WITHOUT EXCEPTION, is nothing more than a means of procuring affirmation, adulation, and admiration – a means to an end, an agenda to secure supply or basically to extort from people. It is like a puppet show with the Narcissist having his/her hand in every puppet directing it’s every move.

 A narcissist is calculating and refuses ANY connection or obedience of the basic requirements of life or the natural moral laws as they apply to life and human rights. Obedience to a Narcissist implies that there is something larger or better than what they are, and they will never comply because it would define them as being weak to allow anyone to feel significant enough to be their equal or better. It is almost like the Narcissist completely relates everything in life to a measurement – but this measurement begins with them – or as the saying goes, the sun rises and sets on a Narcissist because they feel they are above all life.

 The Narcissist creates the terms of how THEY measure life – so if they were a “tape measure or a ruler”, they would determine the dynamics of each and every measurement OR define every inch of every foot – and you can believe that it would not be consistent as it is SUPPOSED to be. The Narcissist has to be ‘that’ which measures (and judges) and NEVER that WHICH IS MEASURED and NEVER judged. Literally they “coin” the phrase “give them an inch and they will take a yard.” Well that and anything they can get their tentacles around. No/minimal contact to break the cycle of this abuse.  Greg 

The mechanics behind triangulation or abuse by proxy:  Understanding the ‘Tools of the Narcissist’s TRADE’ – Triangulation or ‘divide and conquer’ – KEEPING us in a revolving circle of chaos and abuse by PROXY as well as compartmentalizing and separating people to keep their lies and secrets personalized and away from people that KNOW the truth or find out the LIES! JUST another deceptive tool of the Narcissist’s trade.

The mechanics behind triangulation or abuse by proxy:  Understanding the ‘Tools of the Narcissist’s TRADE’ – Triangulation or ‘divide and conquer’ – KEEPING us in a revolving circle of chaos and abuse by PROXY as well as compartmentalizing and separating people to keep their lies and secrets personalized and away from people that KNOW the truth or find out the LIES! JUST another deceptive tool of the Narcissist’s trade.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Triangulation is just another tool the Narcissist uses to create a powerful and seductive bond over their targets (and everybody else in the target/victim’s world.) Narcissists use triangulation on a regular basis to shore up their fake image through compartmentalizing people – this keeps their lies hidden from one person to the next. They also do this to seem in ‘high-demand,’ and to keep you always obsessed with them by creating and telling you about all the amazing friends and connections they have out there BUT that is all fake. Remember they are also doing this with everyone AND putting that wedge in between people with a bit of their back-stabbing – again to compartmentalize people or again divide and conquer. They just do not do this to make you jealous with potential or new supply, they triangulate with your family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, ex partners (if they have anything to do with them,) and yes potential new supply (but they usually do that on the side, so we are none the wiser.) to start putting that wedge in-between you and everyone else in YOUR world. Whatever the situation they will triangulate, so this even happens within the Narcissist’s own family structure and with their friends, etc. They are essentially triangulating everybody to stay in charge and control of all people in their immediate world.

The Narcissist is basically grooming others WITH a deceptive agenda – DIVIDE AND CONQUER. They feel such an intense high or euphoria when they engage and play people against each other OR abuse by proxy. It becomes a competition for them to gain more adulation/adoration and to cause chaos and confusion. Narcissists will absolutely manufacture situations to make you jealous and question their connection with you, relationship, and even fidelity in a so-called love connection. They will even make you think that the people closest to you are talking behind your back especially if the Narcissist is trying to convince YOU that you have ISSUES. The Narcissist will present the allegations as a concern of course to minimalize the real agenda to put doubt and wedges in between you and the people closest to you. The reverse is also true because the Narcissist will go to the people closest to you and make them believe you have said things about them as well – AND only out of concern of course! This basically isolates you from the people closest to you and forces you to become dependent on the concerned Narcissist. Pure deception that destroys you as well as your integrity.

In a normal relationship, people go out of their way to prove that they are trustworthy, but a Narcissist does exactly the opposite. They are constantly throwing subtle hints out there that make you feel insecure that ‘others’ are talking about you, or they may be pursuing other options, or spending time with other people, so that you can never feel secure or have any sense of a real connection with them. They will always compound this and deny it, calling you jealous, possessive, or even crazy if you bring it up or even suggest such a thing. The Narcissist works everything they do into every possible vantage point to control and manage you down. Where you started off and became accustomed to such a high level of charm and flattering attention (after they first lured you in with the love bombing,) it NOW feels very personal and unnerving because they are directing that attention elsewhere and they know what they are doing.

When you are going through this it is never apparent because so much abuse is circling around all your thoughts that you never have the time to think anything through with any sense of reality or realizing the real truth that what they say is just more of their ‘crazy making!’ Triangulation is basically pitting YOU against a false situation AND people to make you feel that you just do not meet up with the Narcissist’s expectations or what they expect of you as well as making you feel worthless as compared to some of the very people that you care for in your life. It is the process of managing what you do or have done down through the Narcissist’s incredulous and fake stories to make everything, and everybody seem so much better than you OR anything you do for them.

In the end we MUST internalize the truth even as hard as it is to do so. The sad reality is that this becomes clear once you are well on your way to recovery, so it is a process. If we would have understood this in the beginning, we would not have suffered through the abuse. BUT real information is necessary to move forward so you become clear, and CAN recover and unfortunately most do NOT have past experiences to draw from. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! After the discard you are dealing with so many corrupt messages meant to only abuse AND control you more and more into a submissive role. The role is basically to silence you by making you out to be the ‘crazy one’ or the troublemaker so the Narcissist avoids exposure AND they have been setting up their lateral attack well before the discard. Most of the destruction that the Narcissist inflicts on us is ALWAYS done well in advance before we are aware of their real motives during the discard phase. Narcissists must come out of this victorious – but that means they have smeared us completely so they can avoid exposure – or that they are ABUSERS.

Remember this too – they will keep pulling you into the crazy making to use as more proof that you are only obsessed and crazy by turning it all around on YOU – so disconnect completely. My Narcissist kept it up for a year after I decided I was done. Begging me, pleading with me, to stay, etc., and then turning it around if it was me doing the begging and pleading. This Narcissist would ask why I was saying such horrible things and would deny EVER saying anything negative about me. What a huge joke, this Narcissist said these negative things in so many emails/text messages, and I heard it from people all around me. It was some smear campaign, BUT again it must have been me misinterpreting EVERYTHING – nope it was the truth! Even when there is absolute proof staring them in the face they will still lie and deny BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO! I had the clarity to establish ‘no contact’ and THEN and only then was I able to accept all the distorted truths that I met up with a real monster! Don’t stay connected to this monster because you will only remain a puppet to their disordered and abusive agenda until your losses will become insurmountable leaving you frozen in the abuse. No/minimal contact to live and love again. Greg

The working mechanics of this abuse!

The working mechanics of this abuse! We must first understand that it was never about YOU or anything about YOU – it was a slow and methodical attack from an emotional and psychological abuser that conned their way into YOUR life.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Emotional and psychological abuse is insidious and NEVER a onetime thing or singular because it affects whole families as well as any person in every walk of life. It is administered over time like a slow poison to destroy different aspects of the target/victim OR even an organization. The abuser is shrewd because they also add the element of CHARM to the mix to first trap you into believing they are sincere, have empathy, emotions, and the biggest lie that they care deeply for you or love you. Those are the very tools of their manipulative agenda they use to gain your trust so that you will form a bond with them. We must understand that ALL of this is part of the working mechanics of this abuse because it is always about power and control to fulfil the ABUSERS every need.

All of a sudden thing are said in a manner that they (the Narcissist) have a concern, but when you try to respond a brick wall is thrown up and one you cannot penetrate. These attacks can be subtle to complex, but they are constant and consistent now. That brick wall is part of their agenda to start managing you down or devalue you and control you. Bit by bit and piece by piece they attack your amazing virtues and disallow any responses whatsoever. The more you try to defend yourself the more they elevate the attack, dismiss you, and even accuse YOU of having issues. You begin to believe that something has gone wrong and even start to question yourself because you do not have an outlet in them to even speak. Their conversations become circular, and their words are spinning around in your mind and heart to a point that there are too many of them as well as too many levels of the devaluation to even start digging yourself out from underneath it all. In time you realize that you have no option but to stay silent. The Narcissist has brought the abuse to full fruition and erased your personality and corrupted your core values.

With children of Narcissistic parents this insidious abuse starts the very day that child is born into the family. The child does not have emotional guidance and love – they have disdain toward them and everything they do. Without knowing real love, they accept that this is normal – what else WOULD they know. It even spreads to other family members to the point the entire family is dysfunctional. The same goes for spouses and partners that have lived in this abuse for many years. They are made to believe that something/everything is wrong with them and they are the problem. If there are children, they too are abused as described above – again this abuse is NEVER singular. It is a slow and insidious abuse that poisons all minds. This abuse is apparent in organizations, with professions, in religion, or in every aspect of life.

Many times this abuse manifests itself in traumatization of the victim. Some of the symptoms may include any or all of the following: Anxiety, depression, fear, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, reliving the bad memories, flashbacks, constant fatigue, physical ailments, loss of concentration, increased startle reaction, hypervigilance, avoidance, isolating yourself, feeling lost and alone, feeling emotionally numb, complete lack of trust, and even suicidal tendencies. These are serious issues that need dealt with and sometimes we have to reach out for professional help.

The fix is never an easy one because in many cases there are so many levels of this abuse that some believe this is solely about them and THEIR issues – and they are lost to this abuse forever. To those of us that were/are fortunate enough to have found the truth it is still a long and ongoing struggle to regain our true self and TRUST that was stolen away from us with this abuse. It all starts with knowledge and education and support from other victims/survivors, dedication to the recovery process – that and no/minimal contact to BREAK the cycle of this abuse and shutting our abuser out of our minds and hearts forever. We MUST find our way back because there is no other option, and we cannot allow our abuser to leave us with the residual damage from this abuse. Please feel free to share your stories about recovery – sharing positive hope is very healing and motivating as part of the recovery process. TOGETHER WE HEAL! Greg

Moving forward with real and personal introspection.

Moving forward with real and personal introspection: The Narcissist constantly violates boundaries albeit physical, emotional, and mental. They follow no rules in life, or respect human dignity/rights, or adhere to any written laws. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make, and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or take/steal anything that belongs to others. Ownership is their birthright or so they feel because they are above the normal order of life. They will violate your standing with figures of authority in an effort to cause trouble/destruction or just to “one up” you. They are truly extortionists, and they take everything and anything they can get their hands on. BUT remember this chameleon camouflages itself with CHARM – so they get away with virtual murder because they have been doing this all of their lives and they are just that good at it. The people that know the truth about them are mostly their targets/victims – the rest become their minions at some useful level that they charm into believing just how special they are AND they protect the Narcissist’s lies and disordered life – they are the enablers of their abuse.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From charm to Harm and Everything Else in between with a Narcissist

 Every target/victim or mental health professional will say the best way to cope with a Narcissist is to get as far away from them as you can, and as fast as you can and firm it up with NO CONTACT.

 The next AND very important step is that you MUST come to the realization that your intuitions that ‘something is/was wrong’ is the reality or truth about your relationship with them. That will open the door to all of the truth that they are disordered and not fully functioning human beings. Narcissists are excellent manipulators, and they will brain-wash or can convince you that IT IS YOU, and not them that has the problem, and everything is your fault AND you have abused them! Remember they are convincing other people that it is you as well – this is part of their escape from being exposed.

 You must also educate yourself about this personality disorder or you will be pulled back into the abuse with their lies and manipulation. Block their narcissistic behaviors and completely ignore them and remove any narcissistic supply that they are getting from you. They hate to be ignored and will move on to someone else for new Narcissistic supply. They CAN and will blind sight you with crazy making and chaos and you will spend your entire life in a dance with the Narcissist until one day you wake up and you have lost sight of who you are and where your life has gone. Don’t try to reason with them because they simply refuse to confront their own behaviors or acknowledge that they have ANY problem at all. Communication with them will only create a frenzy of crazy making that will create more negativity because they live this way. You can’t rationalize with a Narcissist because where there is no reality there is no truth. Lies are the tools they utilize which are always meant to harm others.

 Lastly, you must Identify and build strong personal boundaries against the Narcissist, or they will continually violate you. These boundaries MUST include emotional, mental, and even physical boundaries, and the boundaries MUST be strong, enforceable, and completely leak-proof.

 There are situations where you HAVE to deal with a Narcissist – especially if you have children together, or they are a family member. So, to cope with a Narcissist effectively you must be able to differentiate between reality and normalcy that is YOU AND YOUR REAL LIFE as compared to the constant drama, chaos and crazy making that orbits around the Narcissist constantly. You must consistently validate your own personal existence and morals, and hold on to yourself with a firm grip, never allowing the narcissist to drag you back into the abuse by violating and controlling your emotions, thoughts, or behaviors like they did. If you don’t, they will eat you alive and drag you back into the abuse with their vast array of manipulation, lies, betrayal, brainwashing, and essentially psychological ABUSE!

 In the end you will realize that there was absolutely nothing you gained from your relationship with a Narcissist except getting your freedom back to live a normal and healthy life again. Your empathy and emotions connected you to them at the hip – we call this “love” in a normal relationship, but unfortunately there was not even an ounce or shred of normalcy/reality in our association with them. It was a master of deception extorting every aspect of our life mentally and physically.

 It will always reside in the back of your mind that somehow a monster got into your world and almost devoured you completely, as well as the fact that they still exist out there with their minions, flying monkeys or whatever we want to call the people around them that SUPPORT their abuse. None of them are worth the battle of lies and deception that will yield as the result of confronting any of them directly. They absorb the negativity that they create around them, and it energizes them and then they feel powerful – they enjoy inflicting harm/destruction onto others. In my case KARMA is doing what it needs to do because the people that meant anything to me are still here and surround me with love and protection. The people that need chaos, lies, belittling, chaos, crazy making, etc., are there with the monster where they belong, and they mean nothing to me and never have. There is no beautiful life that surrounds a Narcissist, only lies, illusions, delusions, and chaos – all at the cost of the ‘others’ around the Narcissist. BE VERY THANKFUL that you are away from the abuse and learn about who you are again, because you are an amazing person that can and will survive this psychological terrorism or attack from this monster. Stay NO CONTACT at all costs and LOVE again. As a great person and amazing friend of mine says – After Narcissistic Abuse – there is Light, Life and Love! Truly there is Greg  

Toxic People are dangerous to your well-being! There is NEVER a resolution, closure, or a two-sided conversation, or ANY type of a REAL conversation with toxic people only intentional chaos, outrage, and drama – especially if THEY are cornered about THEIR behavior.

Toxic People are dangerous to your well-being! There is NEVER a resolution, closure, or a two-sided conversation, or ANY type of a REAL conversation with toxic people only intentional chaos, outrage, and drama – especially if THEY are cornered about THEIR behavior. We must get real with our abuser and this abuse AND with ALL toxic people. What this means is that we must see them for what they are and what they do to good and loving people and discard them from our heart, our mind, our lives and our world. We do this through knowledge, education, and support for the clarity we need to move forward with positive solutions.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From charm to Harm and Everything Else in between with a Narcissist

They are so very destructive and full of CONFLICT, jealousy, rage, insecurity, and hatred. A Narcissist has no real identity they are a HUGE void and what we see and believe is only an illusion built on their ability to CHARM, manipulate, and control other people to serve an agenda – THEIR agenda. In reality, this illusion is built upon a parasitic relationship with you and me – in other words, they NEED us to be viable or real and they can ONLY do this by controlling us. Without us their illusion or façade is shattered, and they become worthless and powerless, so they are always creating some sort of FAKE persona to be able to secure supply. This is a hard concept to actualize because they seem so ‘real’ to us (at first) – BUT again the ‘real’ you relate to is the disabling control they have and have had over you that managed you down to the point of feeling worthless in their presence – it was all manipulation to get you to this place. It is very much just brain-washing and behavioral modification. You believed you cared or loved this person, but you only cared or loved an image that was meant to ALSO control you and eventually trap you into their agenda. A REAL relationship yields trust and that is what was at the heart of the Narcissist’s agenda in tricking you into this illusion of trust! I don’t like believing that people can be this evil, but I had to learn this to get back to me again by accepting the truth that monsters do exist!

While healthy relationships have room for respectful disagreement and consideration of one’s feelings, with the Narcissist, conflict, gaslighting and constant emotional invalidation become the norm or better yet part of their working façade. Gaslighting is a technique abusers use to convince you that your perception of the abuse is inaccurate. During the devaluation and discard phases, the narcissist will often invalidate and criticize your emotions, and displace any blame of his or her abuse as your fault. Frequent use of phrases such as “You provoked me,” “You’re too sensitive,” “I never said that” or “You’re taking things too seriously” after the narcissists’ abusive outbursts are common and are used to gaslight you into thinking that the abuse is indeed your fault or that it never even took place.

Narcissists are also very skilled in a manner to dissociate any real guilt or shame that they should feel about their betrayal, dehumanization, and antisocial behaviors. This dissociation is like a force field that protects the Narcissist from seeing their real identity and realizing how cruel their actions are. This dissociation also prevents them from experiencing any guilt. Dissociation is a difficult concept to grasp and basically clinical in nature. It means to block out a thought or emotion. In the real world we just say Narcissists DO NOT CARE and that is the basic reality with them. Watch them run off after they are exposed and start a whole new life again with new supply AND within days of ending their relationship with you. You will be blocked from their social media site or account, ostracized as being mentally insane, a liar, abusive to them, AND THEY HATE YOU. Just another HUGE wall they create to block how they abused another person!

Recovery requires a complete indulgence and openness to look inward. It is a process that requires education, introspection, spirituality, voicing your fears, connecting with other targets/survivors, and a therapist if possible. You MUST totally acknowledge the truth about this person you loved and that is that they are an abuser, psychological terrorist, and psychological rapist. The process begins when you say no to the negative messages left behind and open your ears and eyes to a new life that seeks out true goodness because it is still there where it always was. Finally, you must put the Narcissist away forever because there is absolutely nothing that you need to connect with as far as it concerns them. That means any memories or any other thought about them! The wounds will turn into scars, and you will come out of this with new boundaries, a new voice and your old belief system back in place but so much stronger. DON’T allow them to have a hold on your complete future! No/minimal contact always! Greg

FACT:  You CANNOT go to the source of your abuse – a Narcissist – for answers, validation, closure, truth, or anything, because all you will get back is the same – MORE abuse! We MUST understand this and NEVER engage with them in a manner to attempt to find any sense of cohesiveness, validation, closure, the truth, or anything – THEY ARE ABUSERS!

FACT:  You CANNOT go to the source of your abuse – a Narcissist – for answers, validation, closure, truth, or anything, because all you will get back is the same – MORE abuse! We MUST understand this and NEVER engage with them in a manner to attempt to find any sense of cohesiveness, validation, closure, the truth, or anything – THEY ARE ABUSERS!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else I Between with a Narcissist

Let’s start with the facts — a Narcissist can’t allow others to see who AND what they really are, an empty dark and angry person that loathes life and people, as well as repulsive, perverted, and abusive. So the Narcissist creates a highly likable, moral, good and ‘normal’ image that will procure adulation, affirmation, and attention or everything the Narcissist requires to survive and walk among the ‘real’ or ‘normal’ people – AND THEY MUST ALWAYS MAINTAIN THIS FACADE during every phase of their abuse – even when they devalue and discard us. The WHY is because they need the basic things that only ‘functioning’ human beings can provide, SO they ‘harvest’ people and we become “supply” to them. THAT IS ALL WE ARE – and that is all we will ever be – and most importantly – we ALL have an expiration date that also involves the Narcissist maintaining that facde WHILE destroying us to protect themselves (except they aren’t very nice about it). So don’t go to them for an explanation because they are not going to tell you the truth that they are abusers and extortionists, and WE were only ONE of their targets — BUT they will manipulate and trick you more so they can avoid exposure.

The closer the association to a Narcissist the more pathological the Narcissist becomes, and the more damage done to the target/victim. Their needs are far more than just extorting basic life and biological needs – it is their psychological needs that cause the most damage to their target/victim. It is their need to CONTROL and gain dominance or power over other people that damages and destroys them. They are BASICALLY human with most of the same biological needs (like eating, breathing and sexuality) but when it comes to mental functions, they are delusional and seem to have a battle that rages in their head to seriously manipulate, confuse, malign, and harm people that love them as if they loathe all people and need to destroy them one by one. We MUST understand this and NEVER engage with them in a manner to attempt to find any sense of cohesiveness, validation, closure, the truth, or anything – THEY ARE ABUSERS!

Unfortunately, we believed it was a real EMOTIONAL bond no matter what the relationship is/was with them, be it one that was FALSELY created from care or love – be it a wife, husband, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, or friend – but it was a lie and a con. As harsh as this definition sounds as it concerns our involvement with a Narcissist, it is real and just the very truth of the biggest lie, manipulation, betrayal, extortion, and destruction we will ever experience in our lives. It is abuse at the hands of a very disordered personality, one that will look you straight in the eyes and state that they care or love you, but they have a knife to your back to control you AND ready at any time they decide to stab and harm you and even destroy you for no reason other than an association you have with them be it a family bond or an association by chance – and especially once you have clarity about the truth of what they are.. ANY association with them for ANY length of time and for ANY reason is toxic and poisonous and they will do some sort of damage to your life or well-being.

A Narcissist is calculating for the sake of procuring PERSONAL power and supply – they need it to feel relevance because they lack the mechanics that you and I have – especially empathy – and that requires a great deal of Narcissistic magic and skills to play pretend with us! Control allows them the power over others that they need to function and survive in our world as well as facilitate the intense insecurities that rage inside of their world – as a matter of fact it is imperative to their functioning and survival. It also protects them from exposure and facing the truth of their own disordered and abusive lifestyle. That false mask hides AND protects the Narcissist from having to face themselves off in the mirror and see the reality of WHAT THEY ARE – a modern day ‘DENIAL’ monster that is destructive and abuses life and people – it is ALL consuming. Unfortunately, the only way to create their false self and maintain it is to completely drain us of our life and amazing energy and they are NEVER going to give it back. They most assuredly will destroy a target that catches on to them, plus they already have the replacement waiting in the wings to pick up the whole process where they left it off with us, stealing ‘supply’ and sucking the very life out of the new target. No fuss, no muss, NEVER any closure, emotions or love just a parasitic relationship where the Narcissist always has a host and a new host ready and waiting – seriously this is the truth. There is nobody there for us – except a very dark and damaged person that we CANNOT ever go to for any reality or help!

In the overall design of things, misfortune to others does not matter to the Narcissist when they have objectified a human being to obtain their drug of choice or “supply” – especially after they have gotten everything they came for. It is solely based on what this person has to offer, or what can be taken from this person, and this must resonate in the Narcissist’s grand scheme of things. The Narcissist is convinced of their uniqueness (omnipotence) and basically, we are there to serve their needs – they are delusional in this manner. There are no written laws that the Narcissist will comply with when it comes to how they treat other people — so NEVER expect them to treat you with any sense of reality – especially once they are in the devaluation and discard phase – that is only about their safe transition to move onto their new source, and WE have reached our expiration date.

There are no human rights involved either and it is DESIGNED to be that way! Basically, we are/were there for their use, and they completely exploit everything they can from us – mentally and physically. They feel no remorse in their acts of deviance to secure supply in the least bit – NOR will they ever admit to their scam or offer any closure. Lies, betrayal, manipulation, etc., are only tools to extract what they need before they move on to the next and the next and the next. They have perfected and honed these tools to work to their utmost advantage to meet their needs in EVERY situation – and they will never allow you or I to threaten their façade of lies.

This is very hard for many people to understand for the simple reason that we are the direct opposite of a Narcissist. We learned about life and love, and we have empathy that would prohibit us from even remotely living or conceptualizing an abhorrent and perverse lifestyle where we would purposely use another person, deplete them of their life, and then destroy them. It is not even human to act out in the manner a Narcissist does. Unfortunately, they exist, and they are dangerous to people and to life in general – and we must actualize this and never turn to them for anything – the only turn we NEED to make is turning completely AWAY from them and NEVER allow them in our thoughts, heart or mind ever again! The truth is that YOU are an amazing human being and the direct opposite of these abusers. YOU have the ability for introspection and growth and most importantly you when faced with a disaster, YOU have the ability to heal from the adversity and become a survivor that WILL thrive. No/minimal contact ALWAYS. Greg

The Narcissist idealizes his/her victim for a while – just like “courting” in the ‘old’ days.

The Narcissist idealizes his/her victim for a while – just like “courting” in the ‘old’ days. This “courting” period is the most important aspect of the “big con” that the Narcissist is creating personally for us – it is an investment for them. The Narcissist brings out the best in their target AND mirrors our good qualities back to us. This could be the very reason we think our Narcissist is so AMAZING — because he/she is mirroring our belief system, our code of ethics, our every like and dislike, our morality, they become a part of our family and circle of friends – they are a dream come true – but the dream swiftly turns into a nightmare. We are only seeing ourselves being reflected back to us as if the Narcissist has everything in common with our life. These character traits are NON EXISTANT in the Narcissist and this is an insidious betrayal on their part to gain our trust through pretending to be real, as well as faking one of the most beautiful emotions LOVE (which comes with our undying trust), so they can extort our lives and twist our minds to destroy what they can.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else I Between with a Narcissist

 We thrive for a time on this amazing adulation from the Narcissist. What human being doesn’t want to be cared for, valued, treasured, recognized at a level where another person falls in love with us and vice versa? It is easy to be enticed and trapped by all this because we grew up with “love stories” and role models that reinforced a loving and growing relationship for life or as near as we could get to that.

 The Narcissist is effusively complimentary of us at times. He/she may have started to compliment us as well as degrade us in the same sentence – this is the start of the slow and insidious abuse – like administering a poison drop by drop. These underhanded verbal putdowns left us confused more times than we care to remember – that is where the clinical term “gas-lighting” came from where we are left questioning our own ability to think or comprehend normally because of that and the Narcissists grand arsenal of tools.

 As time goes on, the compliments are less frequent. The verbal put downs, the sarcastic comments and simply the body language, make us feel that we have done something horribly wrong. This becomes such a familiar scenario and that feeling of love seems to be constantly smothered by so much “blame and shame.”

Why did we care so much that we tormented ourselves into thinking that it was us and not them? It is all the manipulation that is laid out for us like a road map, STARTING with manipulating us into loving them. Let’s just say that if they are that good to get us to love them, they are going to do equally well or better to get us to believe we are worthless when they devalue and discard us. Almost like a psychological experiment where conditioning is used to train a rat to press a bar to get a treat. After that rat learns that pressing the bar is good and a treat will follow, the researcher now changes the game and shocks the rat intermittently when it presses the bar. That poor rat was conditioned to believe whole ‘rat-heartedly’ to trust its wonderful friend and provider for that food pellet, and now what happened. So that rat just keeps pressing the bar to see if it can get a treat – and it does every so often, but more than often it gets shocked now – but it just keeps trying and trying again without the slightest knowledge of why things changed. That is conditioning in its most basic form – but the real rat here is the Narcissist and you better believe that the Narcissist is going to shock the “ba-gee-bee’s” out of us too.

 So, the abuse continues, and the Narcissist will throw their target a ‘bone’ or give us a moment of value and maybe we’ll even get a glimpse of that fake love we once knew. BUT we are now constantly being devalued and all of this is protocol in the Narcissist agenda to abuse their target/victim. A better way to describe this abuse is like being dragged down a gravel road.

 In my experience this went on as long as it amused the Narcissist and damaged me, it was purely sadistic how this Narcissist devalued me time after time. When I had been drained dry and experiencing a tragedy in my life it was time for the final discard. Being discarded from this Narcissist was THE BEST thing that could have happened to ME!

 After the Discard comes the feelings of being worthless – but seriously it is the Narcissist who is worthless. This is the abuse in a nutshell – insidious manipulation to suck the life out of a good person and take whatever the Narcissist could. It is brainwashing, gas-lighting, hypnotism or anything that describes sucking the life out of a good person WITHOUT them knowing the game.

 We are weak and fragile when we go through the final stages of this abuse – but that is what this Narcissist counts on – that and their smear campaign to convince the rest of the world that we are insane or whatever else they want to accuse us of, but rest assured it will be done in a manner to damage our integrity and silence us so they can move on without being “outed” for the abusive Narcissist they are.

 What was it about us that drew the Narcissist to us? Why did the Narcissist target us? What was it that made us so very vulnerable to their abuse? HERE IS THE ANSWER; it was that magnificent con job they created for each of us personally that I outlined above. It doesn’t require a classification of person you are or anything else to justify the abuse – THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE so don’t blame yourself – grow with boundaries so it never happens again. It is while you are feeling these things like being weak, fragile and confused that you will call upon an inner strength you never knew you had AND you will recover from this insidious abuse. Just NEVER allow the Narcissist or your abuser to return because they will only twist the knife in your back as often as you allow them to – mine did and it was more hideous each time I allowed it. BUT then the anger and repulsion I felt from realizing the truth enabled me to discard and abandon the monster that played with my life FOREVER. NO CONTACT = YOUR FREEDOM.  Greg   

Narcissist – the great manipulator, the great liar, the great betrayer, the great scam artist, and the greatest destroyer of a person’s precious emotional and psychological well-being!

Narcissist – the great manipulator, the great liar, the great betrayer, the great scam artist, and the greatest destroyer of a person’s precious emotional and psychological well-being!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists ALWAYS tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions. In turn they will accuse and blame others to divert attention away from themselves and the truth. A Narcissist will refuse to accept the perspective of any human being, but they will irrationally defend their own distorted/delusional position and lies as well as force you into accepting them as reality and the end result is that you discard or dump YOUR normal and healthy reality. Narcissists always make people feel that they MUST please them.

They cunningly access and withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing because it gives them the ability to control and manipulate future events. A Narcissist will slowly but surely erode their target/victim’s reality, self-esteem, and spirit! Narcissists completely avoid and NEVER acknowledge the feelings of others, yet they will often bring up how their emotions are being affected and how WE don’t respect or honor their needs. They are eternal victims and NOTHING you do is worthy of meeting their needs. “We JUST don’t love them enough,” OR SO THEY TELL US!

They will slight a target/victim or perhaps make them accept digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the Narcissist to say they were just kidding while still being abusive and hurting the target/victim.

Narcissists will completely change the subject to divert attention back onto themselves. You could be talking to them about a serious matter, and it will be dismissed in moments, so the Narcissist has all the attention right back where they feel it belongs – ON THEM. Or they will BULLY you with shouting, dismiss you, and walk away. You never feel that anything about you is important enough for consideration by the Narcissist and you are right!

Narcissists make others feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the miserable level of the Narcissist. They always threaten or hint of some form of punishment that they will inflict if YOU don’t do exactly what they are asking or accept what they are saying. THEN of course they will reinforce this with blame as if you did something that deserves their actions and disdain. They will dismiss you completely and silence you. YOU CAN NEVER MEET ANY OF THEIR EXPECTATIONS!

They will be cold, quiet, and distant, then deny that anything is wrong, but it feels as if they ARE angry. But you can’t access what it is, so you will have no sense of what is going on to help you feel at ease with them. On the flip side there will be inappropriate emotional outbursts to also distract attention, confusing their targets/victims and shifting blame for something you AGAIN have no real sense of. You are ALWAYS left feeling like you are walking on those infamous eggshells with them or always confused and feeling conflicted as to a cohesive reality with them!

Narcissists ALWAYS try to control others to domineer and limit freedom of expression/speech or individuality. Again, controlling the environment around them with confusion, chaos, bullying and negativity. They are ALWAYS instilling fear or retaliatory punishment for anyone that doesn’t comply with their EVERY wish. They will also deny you ANY success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling you out or basically placing you in the category of being worthless and not worthy of proper recognition. Their word is the FINAL word always! A target/victim could have accomplished something so worthy of recognition and the Narcissist will never respond with a supportive word or a congratulation, instead they will minimalize the entire accomplishment OR even find fault in it. They will put a handle on any positive situation to make you doubt your achievement of success. They continually manage people DOWN! You lose your reality with them

Narcissists always forget commitments and promises purposely because there was nothing real behind their words in the first place – just more of their manipulation to keep you believing. They will even deny that they promised to do something to try to make you believe you are imagining things.

Narcissists will take advantage of any vulnerability using shame, guilt, and fear to make a target feel worthless by highlighting simple insecurities they may have. This could even be done in a manner where the Narcissist will make fun of the target/victim’s physical attributes in a cruel overt manner.

A Narcissist’s actions, promises, and reality in every situation are totally out of alignment. They ALWAYS say one thing and do another. For example, they preach morality, BUT they have no morals and act on their impulses regularly. They may PRETEND to follow a religious doctrine and praise themselves for religious values but possess NONE of these values whatsoever. They ARE the very sinners that they are denouncing, preaching about, and pointing fingers at. The Narcissist I dealt with was/is infamous for this!

Narcissists are only nice when all other options have been removed or when they feel they are trapped into a corner or up against a wall. This is usually when the truth is so evident that they have no other option available to them. There is no remorse to what they have done, they are just trying to wriggle out of being totally exposed for what they have done AND what they are. They also want to keep you trapped in the abuse so they can keep extorting what they can or achieving supply with their insincere apology and patronizing gestures. In time they will replace you once you have caught onto their lies and agenda, BUT of course you are to BLAME for their actions! You are the disordered one and you have abused THEM, and they are “running for their lives” (a favorite and OVER used quote of my Narcissist.) That is really a distorted lie and excuse that they have moved onto a new source, but they are going to keep you locked up in confusion, lies, and abuse surrounding their departure for as long as they can. They will actually PULL you back into the abuse making you think that there is a possibility of reconciliation. It is just a way for them to achieve more chaos to disable you as much as they can as well as implicate you as being obsessed when THEY are the ones that initiate contact to use against you. Keeping you vulnerable also keeps their abuse hidden from the world.

When they are having a conversation, be it one on one or even in a group setting, they will completely cut someone off as if they are not allowed to speak. Narcissists suppress self-expression and individuality to support their omnipotence and power over others by controlling everyone in their world. Basically, they eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves to feel superior and omnipotent! It shores up their false identity and makes them feel so worthy when it is all based on lies and distortion, BUT THEY JUST DON’T SEE IT AS THIS! They are delusional and self-affirming to support their needy needs.

Narcissist will ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses. They push everyone’s buttons. They will even go as far as humiliating people in public situations to show their superiority. They are psycho bullies. By pushing buttons and highlighting a person’s sensitivity they gain power and evoke fear in the target/victim of choice. They ACTIVATE a person’s insecurities to gain power and superiority over them.

Through their vast arsenal of tools to manipulate a Narcissist will pretend to understand a person’s concerns, but then they will blatantly break every boundary and step all over those concerns and basically violate them and you! If they CAN’T control a person, they will slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of this person. Narcissists RUIN people’s lives.

Narcissists will always attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They won’t believe they make mistakes, and they have no ability to feel or process or truly understand shame.

ALWAYS remember that lies and deceit are a natural part of the narcissist’s world. The old saying, “the best liars lie to themselves first” really applies to Narcissists as well as “the lie often repeated is far more convincing” and they repeat their lies many times over! A Narcissist has the amazing ability to believe their own lies even when they fly in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. You HAVE to take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. A friend of mine always said to me “if they are breathing, they are lying” and it is the truth!

LASTLY! Don’t allow yourself to ride on this emotional roller coaster through hell because it is never ending! So then heed this warning and live by it – once you leave OR are out of the relationship the Narcissist doesn’t need you anymore and its more than likely (pretty much a guarantee) you were emotionally and physically replaced long before the separation or discard AND they are out to destroy your integrity AND you to avoid exposure.

Everything I outlined here is taken directly from my experience with the Narcissist I knew. Unfortunately, I was blinded by the manipulation, constant lies, and brainwashing, but NEVER again. I ‘believed’ and never saw the train wreck in front of me. Was I a damaged person? No not in the normal reality of the behavioral sciences as in having a mental illness or a personality disorder but I became the byproduct of the disabling abuse by being in the company of a highly dysfunctional and disordered person. I have insecurities, I have wounds, I may trust a little too much, I get angry, etc. – BUT I am a good person that respects people. I give and love unconditionally, and I know when enough is enough. I get hurt but I don’t destroy and punish people because of this, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and ALLOW them the opportunity to talk and work through things. THAT is having empathy, that is creating a viable relationship with give and take, that is being unconditional and trying to give the benefit of the doubt to a person you care about – that is giving of yourself, and this is what bonding SHOULD be with another person – unfortunately with a Narcissist it is all TAKE and no give! This is the IMPORTANT lesson we must take from the abuse – WE ARE THE NORMAL AND AMAZING PERSON HERE that was severely manipulated and that has disabled much of our being, psyche, heart, mind, and soul. No/minimal contact. Greg

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