No matter what, we MUST understand that what we are feeling are those fake emotions that conned us into believing that THIS was the real thing and somehow, we failed because of something we did or didn’t do to make it right. FACT: A Narcissist never really moves on in a normal or healthy way – they just move OVER to another viable source of supply that they were able to CHARM (manipulate) into their world just like they did to us.

No matter what, we MUST understand that what we are feeling are those fake emotions that conned us  into believing that THIS was the real thing and somehow, we failed because of something we did or didn’t do to make it right. FACT: A Narcissist never really moves on in a normal or healthy way – they just move OVER to another viable source of supply that they were able to CHARM (manipulate) into their world just like they did to us. It is ALL the constantly changing mechanics of their abuse agenda, and there is nothing more to it than a new VICTIM and a new opportunity for supply because we served our purpose and there is nothing left for THEM. They will portray this ‘so called’ new relationship as AMAZING, but that is just their delusional ‘public relations campaign’ to protect themselves AND discredit us by making themselves look like the normal one JUST in case we speak up with the truth. Do not forget they also want to rub this new scam in our faces to kick us more while we are down!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

No matter what, we MUST understand that what we are feeling are those emotions we were conned into believing that THIS was the real thing and somehow, we failed because of something we did or did not do to make it right. NO – none of this was real and only a repeat agenda of this Narcissist that they will consistently repeat over and over again with MANY other targets. It had NOTHING to do with us personally or who we are or are not. Every day tell yourself this truth, even if you must crawl to get there! All of this is the poison that they poured into our hearts and minds to blame us so they could easily make their exit while wounding us on the way out or in essence silencing us. The rest of the ‘discard devaluation’ will follow as they proclaim their new relationship, new love, amazing love, etc. – all showboating so THEY SEEM like the normal one to protect their image from the truth that we might expose about THEM – or discrediting us upfront!

So, to start, one of the most important issues when trying to recover from Narcissistic abuse is our tendency to obsess about the abuser in our life. We tend to believe that while we are left holding all the dark and delusional energy from the relationship, the abuser escaped without any repercussions and with all the goods. We imagine the Narcissist to be off walking in the sunset with his/her new love while we are sitting at home suffering depression, apathy, anger and horrific emotional pain, financial loss and psychological issues that they imposed on us. Remember they are still a Narcissist and I would rather recover from their abuse than be one of THEM!

If we really take the time to think about it, it is highly unlikely that our abuser is really having the happy life that they SAY they do. The clinical aspect of this abuse AND why the Narcissist acts out in the manner he/she does stems from a deep sense of inadequacy and low self-worth. The Narcissist is forced to get his/her feelings of well-being from external things or those (people) outside himself/herself. A Narcissist may temporarily experience the false illusion of perfection with another person because they HAVE to seek this attention/adulation out to survive, much like they once did with us, but AGAIN this is “temporary.”

If the Narcissist builds his/her self-image or good feelings about themselves based on how he/she is perceived by others, it is only a matter of time before the “CHARM/love spell” is broken just like with us. Remember there are no internal mechanisms; everything is based on external images that the Narcissist sees/uses as their own reflection of perfection. You need the mix of the healthy internal mechanisms of love, empathy, compassion, as well as the harmony/co-existence WITH the external world to live in reality and to grow with another person.

Sooner or later his/her new love will have issues or complaints with the relationship because a Narcissist cannot survive with JUST ONE SOURCE OF SUPPLY. Also, a Narcissist does not allow individuality and face it this always becomes an issue because we were born to support our own thoughts and actions to validate our existence and support our goals/plans, etc. in life – that is only normal, and people naturally disagree on different issues. WELL, a Narcissist cannot and will not allow the slightest deviation from their projected image of perfection so EVERYONE will be devalued and discarded just because we have our own mind and personality – so there is never growth that allows another person individuality or to be a part of a real relationship.

There is never a ‘new healthy relationship’ with a Narcissist so do not obsess about this and remember that things are not always as they appear especially with this Narcissist that has lied to you/us every moment that they were breathing. We are not the exception to the rule that drove this person to abuse us NOR did they suddenly change overnight and become healthy with a new ‘love’. Think about the unconditional love and support that you gave to this person (the Narcissist,) and who would reject/destroy this love but a highly disordered person. This was all a huge con job starting from the very first day we met them.

What you see or imagine is likely a fantasy that you have created in your own mind that the Narcissist has reinforced with more lies and illusions to keep you under their control and make you out to be obsessed. It heightens their image of themselves to manipulate you even more after the fact so they can prove to the world that they are just that amazing and you (we) are obsessed, scorned, or can’t move on without them. Guess what – we can, and I have and this place I am at is wonderful and how it is meant to be.

Changing this fantasy means taking back the power and controlling your thoughts to change what you tell yourself because you now know the truth, right? When we live our lives in dysfunction there is always black and white thinking. We are either all good or all bad and guess who is controlling all of this – YUP the Narcissist. There are no shades of gray where a Narcissist is involved, and we somehow lose the ability to believe in ourselves as we once did.

When the Narcissist projects all these images that we are to blame, it is our problem, always our fault, etc. and we feel ‘shame’ as if we ARE the bad one and they in turn become the good one. We try to fix each and every one of their delusional attacks on our integrity as if we did something/anything to deserve this – just an outcome of their brainwashing. This destroys our self-worth, and we feel so much worse because we have somehow lost everything that we believed was good about ourselves. We are under the illusion that our good has been taken away, conned out of us, stolen from us, kidnapped because we believed in love AND WERE DUPED. But this is far from the truth of what is happening.

You felt worthy and loveable once. So, what happened? We gave the Narcissist the power to validate us because we became emotionally attached thinking we would grow as two normal people do in a relationship OR we believed in them and gave them our trust. Unfortunately, when we give someone else the power to validate our worthiness, we also give them the power to invalidate us and NOW after the fact we see what the Narcissist has done with that trust we offered as well as all of the personal information we gave so freely (as normal people do) – they abused it and used it against us.

With a Narcissist nobody is ever worthy of a real relationship of ANY type or love – EVEN themselves. They pretend that they are perfect and love everything about themselves, but they are a huge needy pit that only sucks the life energy out of everybody they come in contact with. Do you really want to spend your life fixing or loving that? NO – just like everyone else I can tell you stories that would have your head spinning, but you have many of your own stories that would send my head spinning too. It was a demeaning, dehumanizing, debasing and a destructive life with them so we must start responding in a manner to encapsulate all of this into what we call emotional and psychological abuse from a Narcissist and purge it out of our lives forever. No/minimal contact always. Greg

Narcissists WANT the reaction and they purposely push us into a place to get it! Narcissists will simply bait you with their conversations to constantly manage you down in an effort to keep you confused, off balance, and seeming like YOU are the angry and abusive person by responding to their chaos. Communication is their tool to manipulate and deceive people and life. Let’s understand this and put a real perspective on the Narcissist’s ‘SPIN’ that they put on everything!

Narcissists WANT the reaction and they purposely push us into a place to get it! Narcissists will simply bait you with their conversations to constantly manage you down in an effort to keep you confused, off balance, and seeming like YOU are the angry and abusive person by responding to their chaos. Communication is their tool to manipulate and deceive people and life. Let’s understand this and put a real perspective on the Narcissist’s ‘SPIN’ that they put on everything!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists will simply bait you with their conversations (and actions) to constantly manage you down in an effort to keep you confused, off balance, and to CONTROL you. Just within a normal conversation it almost seems like they are testing you, assessing you, setting you up and that causes you to constantly walk on those eggshells and explaining yourself. They are gauging your reactions to see just how far they can push you to the edge to get a chaotic reaction – that even includes the OCCASIONAL charm or love bombing or simply different types of baiting you (positive and negative) or simply diversions.

With those ‘chaotic’ messages, they want you to react emotionally and after they bait you AND get a reaction, they will tell YOU to calm down, or say you are overreacting and make you internalize their disappointment with you – it is like a double whammy. They want the upper hand always to feel in control so the whole point of this is to get you unhinged and they can and will get down and dirty to achieve this – it is CONTROL to steal your power away and to empower themselves. Conversations are always a competition with them just like everything else with a Narcissist and you are always left out in left field with no real clue because normal people are not always in a competition with other people like a Narcissist is. Think of it like this – it would be like the Narcissist purposely punching you and then getting angry at YOU and making you wrong for reacting to the harm they have inflicted on you.

They will use actions as well to drive their point home with you. Suddenly they are not paying attention to you, or they are very eager to get you off the phone. They will cancel a plan or just disappear without an explanation or basically isolating you and silencing you for no apparent reason. It is akin to distancing themselves from you to get a reaction and again so that YOU react. This pulls you RIGHT BACK INTO their chaos and feeling confused and overthinking again. When they return you calmly confront or question their actions and receive a resounding “I’m SICK of always arguing with you – WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??” Well, you never started an argument in the first place, you were only reacting in a manner to create some sort of cohesive understanding AND peace, but the Narcissist hones in on your confusion (and reactions) and labels them as arguments. They have successfully manipulated you right into their game to make you believe that YOU are to blame and a defective person. They will more than likely verbalize this to you as well because they love those harmful words. They do this as often as they can and over time it is disabling and destructive to you because it erodes your worth, self-esteem, and your personality or individualism. It is CONTROL pure and simple!

So, another example of this chaotic baiting – let’s use the example that they cheated on you or they are just being cruel to you. They will not directly address accountability for THEIR part, the truth, or the reality of the situation but instead they will bring up something totally unrelated from the past that YOU have done wrong. It is sort of like a comparison to divert or deflect from their horrendous actions and basically justify what they have done (get away with it unscathed). It goes like this – because YOU have done something in the past that they know about – they are trying to relate to YOUR situation as WORSE than whatever they did and somehow this makes THEM better and above accountability for what they have done – sinister move! It is their way of keeping score, but they are always the winners because they are the scorekeeper. Perhaps you sincerely admitted to something you had done wrong in your past and you shared it even showing regrets for your actions. They will hold you hostage to this and accountable to whatever it was YOU did (even if it did not concern them) and then whatever they did really is not all that bad compared to your actions. So, do not you even DARE to hold them accountable or complain about what they did because they are going to bring up your indiscretion(s) from the past! This is not a normal resolution this is deceptive manipulation on their part to shore up their lies and actions and a Narcissistic diversion and deflecting from the truth.

Again, all of this is done in an effort to put YOU on the defensive to avert all responsibility and accountability AND keep you off balance. In any situation where they are threatened by exposure of the reality of what they are the Narcissist must SHAME you in a manner to stay in control. They have no shame for their actions though and I mean NONE whatsoever. They only transfer their defective qualities onto and into you and basically create strong labels that they attach to you that justify WHY they do what they do – call it Narcissistic justification and denial. Remember they are the ‘eternal victims of the world’ and BLAME everybody else for what they do – this is really projection. They are transferring their own flaws onto you as well as seeking a reaction that basically confuses or confounds you to drive the point home and to get away with what they do. They MUST respond because they cannot just sit there and allow what they feel are blatant attacks ON THEM because they do NO WRONG – but as you and I know they do MANY ‘wrongs!’ They HAVE to force you into submission so you internalize their attacks as reality of who YOU are. You are not any of this – AGAIN this is part of their extreme manipulation techniques – and one of many!

If you were able to pull yourself out of the confusion when they are doing this, you would clearly see that their reactions are so delusional and a huge defense mechanism to hide the very truth from themselves and everybody else. Educating ourselves about the truth of what a Narcissist is AND does is one of the most important and essential aspects of recovery. It is the bridge that takes us to full recovery. To heal we must understand, we must expel everything that we internalized from the manipulative Narcissist and their abuse. We must realize that these are non-functioning individuals that are predators. There NEVER was a relationship with them, there NEVER will be a relationship with them, AND they are NOT capable of having a REAL relationship with anyone!

Let’s sum it up with this – if you can’t use your words with them in a manner to have a real conversation, or share your thoughts, express yourself, or just talk normally than what do you have? Nothing! Communication is imperative to ANY relationship and if it is not there than there is no relationship whatsoever. This is the reality with a Narcissist because they are one huge control machine that is programmed to dismiss every aspect of your individuality. There is a lesson in all of this and that is we must completely actualize this and move on no matter what because we are not dealing with a normal person or anything normal with a Narcissist. There was NEVER one conversation you have had with them that had any basis of reality because they have none to offer.

Along the same lines, they do not change after we depart from them BUT they do create a new self or better yet a new façade for their next target. The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure as well UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation or the ‘same old, same old!’ Trying to talk to them about anything would be like being a hamster on a wheel running and running on that wheel but never getting anywhere except exhausted and right at the same place you started. In the end, they will probably run off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day so let them be where they are. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. NO, they will only manipulate you more and use more projection to always make YOU out to be the person at fault. They are securing new supply and you reached your expiration date. ANY attempt at a connection would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! You could not affect change with them all throughout your relationship, so you are not going to be able to do that now either. The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along. No/minimal contact to truly get the clarity you need to move forward! Greg

Their abuse extends beyond the day-to-day interactions with them! They take that chaos out into OUR personal world and life to cause MORE harm. They use whatever they can AGAINST us be it private information we shared, and they embellish, or out and out lies to create triangulation or ‘divide and conquer.’ They do this to KEEP us in an ever-revolving circle of chaos and abuse by PROXY as well as compartmentalizing and separating people to keep their lies and secrets personalized and away from people that KNOW the truth or find out the LIES! JUST another deceptive tool of the Narcissist’s trade.

Their abuse extends beyond the day-to-day interactions with them! They take that chaos out into OUR personal world and life to cause MORE harm. They use whatever they can AGAINST us be it private information we shared, and they embellish, or out and out lies to create triangulation or ‘divide and conquer.’ They do this to KEEP us in an ever-revolving circle of chaos and abuse by PROXY as well as compartmentalizing and separating people to keep their lies and secrets personalized and away from people that KNOW the truth or find out the LIES! JUST another deceptive tool of the Narcissist’s trade.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The basics! Triangulation is just another tool the Narcissist uses to create a powerful and seductive bond over their targets (and everybody else in the target/victim’s world.) Narcissists use triangulation on a regular basis to shore up their fake image through compartmentalizing people – this keeps their lies hidden from one person to the next. They also do this to seem in ‘high-demand,’ and to keep you always obsessed with them by creating and telling you about all the amazing friends and connections they have out there BUT that is all fake. Remember they are also doing this with everyone AND putting that wedge in between people with a bit of their back-stabbing – again to compartmentalize people or again divide and conquer. They just don’t do this to make you jealous with potential or new supply, they triangulate with your family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, ex partners (if they have anything to do with them,) and yes potential new supply (but they usually do that on the side, so we are none the wiser.) to start putting that wedge in-between you and everyone else in YOUR world. Whatever the situation they will triangulate, so this even happens within the Narcissist’s own family structure and with their friends, etc. They are essentially triangulating everybody to stay in charge and control of all people in their immediate world.

The Narcissist is basically grooming others WITH a deceptive agenda – DIVIDE AND CONQUER. They feel such an intense high or euphoria when they engage and play people against each other OR abuse by proxy. It becomes a competition for them to gain more adulation/adoration and to cause chaos and confusion. Narcissists will absolutely manufacture situations to make you jealous and question their connection with you, relationship, and even fidelity in a so-called love connection. They will even make you think that the people closest to you are talking behind your back especially if the Narcissist is trying to convince YOU that you have ISSUES. The Narcissist will present the allegations as a concern of course to minimalize the real agenda to put doubt and wedges in between you and the people closest to you. The reverse is also true because the Narcissist will go to the people closest to you and make them believe you have said things about them as well – AND only out of concern of course! This basically isolates you from the people closest to you and forces you to become dependent on the concerned Narcissist. Pure deception that destroys you as well as your integrity.

In a normal relationship, people go out of their way to prove that they are trustworthy, but a Narcissist does exactly the opposite. They are constantly throwing subtle hints out there that make you feel insecure that ‘others’ are talking about you, or they may be pursuing other options, or spending time with other people, so that you can never feel secure or have any sense of a real connection with them. They will always compound this and deny it, calling you jealous, possessive, or even crazy if you bring it up or even suggest such a thing. The Narcissist works everything they do into every possible vantage point to control and manage you down. Where you started off and became accustomed to such a high level of charm and flattering attention (after they first lured you in with the love bombing,) it NOW feels very personal and unnerving because they are directing that attention elsewhere and they know what they are doing.

When you are going through this it is never apparent because so much abuse is circling around all of your thoughts that you never have the time to think anything through with any sense of reality or realizing the real truth that what they say is just more of their ‘crazy making!’ Triangulation is basically pitting YOU against a false situation AND people to make you feel that you just don’t meet up with the Narcissist’s expectations or what they expect of you as well as making you feel worthless as compared to some of the very people that you care for in your life. It is the process of managing what you do or have done down through the Narcissist’s incredulous and fake stories to make everything and everybody seem so much better than you OR anything you do for them.

In the end we MUST internalize the truth even as hard as it is to do so. The sad reality is that this becomes clear once you are well on your way to recovery, so it is a process. If we would have understood this in the beginning, we would not have suffered through the abuse. BUT real information is necessary to move forward so you become clear and CAN recover and unfortunately most do NOT have past experience to draw from. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! After the discard you are dealing with so many corrupt messages meant to only abuse AND control you more and more into a submissive role. The role is basically to silence you by making you out to be the ‘crazy one’ or the troublemaker so the Narcissist avoids exposure AND they have been setting up their lateral attack well before the discard. Most of the destruction that the Narcissist inflicts on us is ALWAYS done well in advance before we are aware of their real motives during the discard phase. Narcissists must come out of this victorious – but that means they have smeared us completely so they can avoid exposure – or that they are ABUSERS.

Remember this too – they will keep pulling you into the crazy making to use as more proof that you are only obsessed and crazy by turning it all around on YOU – so disconnect completely. My Narcissist kept it up for a year after I decided I was done. Begging me, pleading with me, to stay, etc., and then turning it around if it was me doing the begging and pleading. This Narcissist would ask why I was saying such horrible things and would deny EVER saying anything negative about me. What a huge joke, this Narcissist said these negative things in so many emails/text messages, and I heard it from people all around me. It was some smear campaign, BUT again it must have been me misinterpreting EVERYTHING – nope it was the truth! Even when there is absolute proof staring them in the face they will still lie and deny BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO! I had the clarity to establish ‘no contact’ and THEN and only then was I able to accept all of the distorted truths that I met up with a real monster! Don’t stay connected to this monster because you will only remain a puppet to their disordered and abusive agenda until your losses will become insurmountable leaving you frozen in the abuse. No/minimal contact to live and love again. Greg

Narcissists are made from lies overlapping other lies to get at what they want from people and that is how we must look at them and leave them right there or within that very words that define them – LIARS and ABUSERS of life and people. The Narcissist’s Facades and Lies – An upside-down world where the truth is really a lie and the lie is really the truth.

Narcissists are made from lies overlapping other lies to get at what they want from people and that is how we must look at them and leave them right there or within that very words that define them – LIARS and ABUSERS of life and people. The Narcissist’s Facades and Lies – An upside-down world where the truth is really a lie and the lie is really the truth.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

So, the biggest and most distorted lie starts with the Narcissist being profoundly charming, caring and loving. They are doing this because it serves them, or you have something they want which can lead to the huge ‘love bombing’ lie. The rest of the lies appear quite openly when the Narcissist’s mask slips and suddenly, they become totally unreliable and negative about everything YOU. Promises mean nothing, that amazing love means nothing, emotions mean nothing, love means nothing, and YOU mean nothing AND all because there was NOTHING there to begin with! That is the basis of this abuse or the disabling lies at every level of the relationship as well as the Narcissist’s phony façade! EVERYTHING is a lie to support that façade!

It is almost impossible to list the many damaging effects of emotional and psychological abuse and what it does to a normal, good, and loving person. Among some of the most common reactions to this abuse are overwhelming feelings of loss, helplessness, hopelessness, feeling worthless, confusion, anxiety, depression, exhaustion, fear, isolation, and fear of the here and now. These are extremely overpowering responses to emotional/psychological abuse. When you are experiencing abuse or living in it you cannot clearly see or understand the truth because the abuse distracts/disables you from living in a healthy reality! It also changes or distorts your perspective of life. I could not see what was happening to me because the abuse distracted me from seeing the truth and the reality of my situation.

Abuse, at its very core, is really a horrific and powerful lie, but the sad reality of this abuse is that the lie seems to be the truth, and the truth we believe is the lie. That manipulation of the truth is a revolving and constant thought process directly related to the agenda of the abuser! But once you recognize and accept that there is abuse in your relationship the first powerful transformation takes place and healing begins. But beyond a doubt, it is easier to heal from the abuse if the relationship ends and no/minimal contact begins. I would not be where I am today as a survivor if I still carried my abuser’s daily manipulative words and sadistic actions on my shoulders and in my mind. Think of recovery as empowering yourself with the TRUTH to now make healthier choices for your well-being and becoming a viable individual again. The world is yours to conquer without all those horrible monkeys on your back from the abuse.

So, the biggest and most distorted lie starts with the Narcissist being profoundly charming, caring and loving. They are doing this because it serves them, or you have something they want which can lead to the huge ‘love bombing’ lie. The rest of the lies appear quite openly when the Narcissist’s mask slips and suddenly, they become totally unreliable and negative about everything YOU. Promises mean nothing, that amazing love means nothing, emotions mean nothing, love means nothing, and YOU mean nothing AND all because there was NOTHING there to begin with! That is the basis of this abuse or the disabling lies at every level of the relationship as well as the Narcissist’s phony façade! EVERYTHING is a lie to support that façade!

Through the course of the abuse, you were targeted by many ‘attacks’ be it blatant and ugly assertions or accusations about you that completely made you lose your balance (like you are having an affair) or simpler ones to just consistently rattle you or undermine your well-being and catch you off guard. Then there can be the accusations designed to make you feel guilty not for something you are doing, but something you are NOT doing. These arguments make you feel obligated and reduce you to feeling GUILTY and even ashamed that YOU are not giving enough, believing enough, or doing enough. That is the Narcissist being a martyr with embellishments that insist you do not love them anymore with a ‘because’ of some sort attached. These can be used to cover their backsides (diversions) when accountability comes into question like when you ask them where they were the night before. They guilt you to divert from the truth by saying that they cannot believe you would accuse them of something so horrific. You feel the desperate need to reassure them that you do love them, and you are so sorry and then try to make the Narcissist feel good. The Narcissist killed two birds with one stone, got away with some horrendous betrayal and had YOU apologizing to them. The bottom line is that you are always explaining yourself and reacting to the Narcissists many attempts to keep you under their control.

All these situations are just variations of manipulative lies that constantly distort your reality. When it comes to the raging attacks, that is angry projection or the bully Narcissist acting out another diversion to control you. The Narcissist is deliberately attacking you with the objective of achieving CONTROL through fear and anger or basically maneuvering you into a conflict situation. The Narcissist wants to create an argument but also wants to be able to blame you for it afterwards. None of this is based on any sort of reality as it concerns you or something you have done and usually something the Narcissist has done to dump their shame onto you through projection. Again, the agenda is always about managing you down in some form or fashion! They use everything they can as some sort of diversion because this is their reality or better yet I should say their non-reality because there is nothing real about them except whatever they manipulate you (us) into believing – both the good and the bad. This is something we really have to reflect upon and actualize – they are not real, and they use control to make us believe in them as well as to harm us. The bottom line is that WE must discard this person completely from our life.

After this relationship ends there will be psychological, emotional, as well as personal issues that you will have to deal with. This abuse is not just about the horrendous things your abuser did to you because that is now the past and the abusive aspect. What you are having to face are the things that you unfortunately allowed to happen that have changed many of your perspectives concerning your belief system, thought processes, your worth, your mind and your heart. Now hear me out that this is not saying you accepted the abuse, you adapted in a damaging way to become functional where there was no real function for you in this relationship because it was a desperate love that you were conditioned into believing you did not deserve because there was something wrong with YOU! The abuse manipulated you and managed you down in such a manner that it basically brain-washed you as well as traumatized you in the process of trying to achieve a cohesive or loving relationship. You were reacting to the fear of loss that was imposed on you to conform or be forced out by the Narcissist – BUT – you were seduced into these beliefs by first believing this was SOME SORT OF LOVE. It does not define you as weak, a fool, dumb or any of the above it is just a fact of what this abuse does. With all of that said what we are left with is a deep inner introspection we must deal with or the process of becoming healthy again. The important thing here is what you will come to realize is that you can change and move forward after this abuse. Please trust me on this AND remember timer is part of the process.

When it comes to understanding this love with a Narcissist, all we really had was an empty dream and a reflected image from this Narcissist of what we thought was love that was based on what we grew up believing was love that this Narcissist played back to us. We have seen this love all around us growing up and even experienced it and felt it before. This love was extraordinarily strong and amazing in our mind and we superimposed that image right onto this Narcissist like he/she conned us into believing AND they reacted like it was the real thing and they even pretended to love us back because THAT made their façade work! Every little thing that they did to reinforce it ALSO enforced that ‘distorted truth’ we kept hanging onto as if it were real and part of that big dream we wanted or the love we believed in – but this dream turned into our worst nightmare! This belief always kept us at that safe distance and blinded from what was really happening and away from all the lies, betrayal, manipulation, and hate that was right there in front of us. Believing in them kept the painful reality at bay and disabled us a little bit more every day. At some point we must see the truth and accept it as well that it is impossible to love or be loved by the Narcissist.

The real picture will unfortunately reveal itself and you will hear things that will make you feel sick to your stomach. You will question yourself in so many ways and beat yourself up over all of it. Why didn’t you see this coming, why did you keep trying and hanging on to this monster? You will feel defective and worthless and maybe even deserving of all of this! It is not answerable in any one given manner as far as applying the fault to yourself. Let it go because that does not help you achieve clarity, nor opens a door to move forward to recover from this toxic relationship. It only sends you deeper into this abuse by blaming yourself! Narcissists PLAY big time games, and they are completely unavailable to ANYONE in this world. The person you were before was conned and the person you are now is still being conned and you MUST get away completely to achieve clarity and move on. We all know it takes two to have a healthy relationship, and there were two in this relationship and one person was real, but unfortunately the other one pretended to be real because they had an agenda to make this real so they could use you and they were seamless with the game they played with you. Narcissists are made from lies overlapping other lies to get at what they want from people and that is how we must look at them and leave them right there or within that very words that define them – LIARS and ABUSERS of life and people.

There are many internal messages that the abuse has imprinted on your mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had. These certain changes that took take place over the course of the abuse must be undone so you can become the person that you want to be, or the person you were before the abuse. The journey MUST start with no/minimal contact. Greg

Everyone to the Narcissist is really their opponent, UNFORTUNATELY nobody realizes that they are playing a game with the Narcissist and that is where the Narcissist gains the advantage or has the upper hand

Everyone to the Narcissist is really their opponent, UNFORTUNATELY nobody realizes that they are playing a game with the Narcissist and that is where the Narcissist gains the advantage or has the upper hand! Remember they have basically invited (charmed or conned) us into their AMAZING life – unfortunately, that was a complete sham, and it was nothing even near to amazing – it was a desperate connection for us and one that took us down an unhealthy path of dehumanizing and destructive experiences.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist is playing this game for themselves so they can deflect you from seeing the reality or avoiding the truth about themselves – they DO NOT self-reflect, they self-DEFLECT. They do this with the expectation that they won’t have to take responsibility for their behavior. Narcissists do not take responsibility for their own actions instead they deflect by blaming, shaming, projection, denial, etc. You will do what you have always done-forgive the Narcissist, make excuses for the Narcissist’s behavior, claim the Narcissist could not help themselves because of a bad day, or justifying their destructive behaviors through your empathy and love.

You bend and bend until you almost snap in half when you try to give them the benefit of the doubt. It keeps you in a cycle that deflects away from their reality and distorts YOUR reality in turn – this puts the burden onto and into you and becomes your new normal. You never have an opportunity to be an individual, nor see how they are pulling the wool over your eyes. They are betraying every aspect of your life and you are too busy babysitting their every whim and trying to fix things once again. They know how to confound and confuse their targets/victims, as well as condition them through their little temper tantrums, managing you down, or punishing and silencing if you do not play exactly the way they want you to! You MUST stop wanting to play the ‘game’ with them and eventually they WILL run away to find a new playmate.

The Narcissist is a master of phony emotions and empathy with a phony façade and life to match. They appear to take you in, care about you, understand everything you are experiencing, and they appear to genuinely put themselves in your shoes to understand “YOU” with acceptance and unconditional love. They observe and react with that resounding smile, approval, and unconditional care and love. All of this causes you to let your guard down and honestly believe there is a genuine give-and-take in your relationship and a love that exists that is just for you. It is overwhelming to meet someone that is so much like you, so connected to your thoughts, and so reactive to meet your every need. BUT once they gain your trust, they will pounce on you. They wait until you are perfectly comfortable with them and your guard is completely down or even perhaps having a low moment in your life and now the time has come to manage you down and to control you to manage the business at hand or secure the supply they came for.

What would you do if you were completely void of love and empathy, how would you interact in the normal world – you would have to control people to trap them into your defective world so you could essentially take what you need that you can’t accomplish on your own? Narcissists perfectly execute an emotional and psychological attack on their victim because their purpose is to wear you down, to humiliate you, and make you feel small and inferior and dependent on them OR again control. A Narcissist is not going to allow you to have feelings for YOURSELF and they are going to make you believe you are selfish and wrong for wanting ANY attention. There is no such thing as YOUR needs or individuality and they basically erase your personality bit by bit. They want what they want, and they have invested their time to mold you into a viable source of supply. Narcissists do not tolerate individuality because people are objects for them to use as they see fit. There is nothing more here than their agenda coming to fruition and you must understand that THIS IS ALL IT WAS. Predator after their prey using camouflage to hide the truth to trap you – or that façade and mask.

A Narcissist ALWAYS loves to make you feel that YOU are crazy, especially if you try to confront them, make them accountable, bring up past issues or behaviors, or expose them when they are doing something appalling or lying. Basically, YOU are told that you have an overactive imagination, you do not know what you are talking about, they have NO idea what you are talking about, or that you are simply making things up to cause problems. They will tell you that it is obvious that YOU are the one who is crazy (and tell you that everyone around you agrees with them about you being crazy). FURTHERMORE, they will claim not to remember any of these events, even flatly deny that they ever happened, and will NEVER accept the possibility that they might have forgotten. Your perceptions of normalcy and reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your own intuition, memory, processing your thoughts, or reasoning, AND constantly confused. The Narcissist is a master at spinning everything and deflecting to remain in control!

The Narcissist will up the game to include destroying your soul, your ego, your accomplishments, and any belief system you have to completely manage you down to feeling worthless. The way the game is played is for them to try to turn everything about you and everything you do, into a complete failure. The Narcissist has the reasoning of a child – but they act out like a controlling and demanding parent (more so toxic.) No matter what your real age, you are never allowed to reach a viable emotional age with them especially one that allows for your individuality or growth with them. You will always be treated like a stupid child, a bad child, a silly child, etc., and you will always be reprimanded and put in your place to honor them completely and NEVER question them! Consistent managing down is what all this amounts to and nothing more!

Everything with a Narcissist is competitive and every life situation is a competition that requires “one-upmanship”, to beat their opponent. It always involves a “payoff” for the Narcissist that is ALWAYS about them getting something or extorting everything they can and devaluing and hurting you somehow too. They feel superior within their ability to con, control, and destroy. Again, their delusional world is like a battleground with them against us because everybody and everything is a threat – be it real or perceived. They keep track of real AND imaginary things you do, have done, or might do. It is a reactionary relationship with them BUT you are the one that always must explain your every word and action to them and made accountable when you are not serving their every whim and need!

Lastly what supports their lies is complete DENIAL. It is important to recognize that the Narcissist will never acknowledge that any games are being played AND the important point here is that it is up to YOU to stop playing. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to fix them, the situation or heal them! You will always be told you are wrong, they are right, and that you need some serious help. You can’t get them to acknowledge or take responsibility for their words or actions because they will always say they didn’t do it or it never happened. They must or else face real accountability and retribution for their actions and then their gig would be up, so they deflect with more lies, more manipulation, and punishing, silencing, and abusing you!

The point here is that what I described is a Narcissist and how they abuse. They are not fully functioning human beings. They do not connect on ANY level with human beings except to use them as supply. We can describe this as a superficial relationship, but it goes far beyond superficial because it is a toxic and destructive relationship that will completely drain you and disable you and your belief system. Your responsibility is to get your ‘ah ha’ moment and understand that they are the defective ones that emotionally and psychologically inflicted some deep wounds that have severely affected your psyche. BUT that is where you start on your road to recovery. There is another type of healing that involves your personal emotional wounds that the Narcissist sourced out and used against you. Healing involves you and only you closing all of those wounds permanently through your personal journey or recovery!

Whatever that Narcissist has said to you that has deeply hurt you or wounded you is NOT a real observation; it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you and define you. They were so supportive in the beginning, but that was also to gain your trust and the knowledge of your weaknesses to use against you. You opened up your heart along with all of your wounds and gave them the opportunity to find any and all of your weaknesses AND they are looking for them. They DO NOT have the ability to understand pain, sorrow, being vulnerable or apply empathy – they only want access to your weaknesses to use them against you – CONTROL. This is what we have to heal within us – those weaknesses that they have constantly pointed out because they are real and within us and now, they have made them come to the surface so much so that we lost trust in our own reality. They are master game players and used their keen perception to always be on top of their game. They took these weaknesses and embellished them to even make you think you were mentally ill and even fear yourself and your way of thinking. It is an extremely sick game that these Narcissists play, BUT it is a game that requires other players, and you have to totally opt out of participating! They will attack you at any and every level they can, even making fun of you physically and they can be VERY cruel! You will ask why and how they can do this – well again because they have no empathy, no care, no connection, no bond, no morals, and no love for any other human being or they are personality disorder – that is your answer. Please internalize and KNOW this! No/minimal contact to start out on your journey to recovery! Greg

Dealing with a Narcissist is like trying to reason with a brick wall that you cannot penetrate at all.

Dealing with a Narcissist is like trying to reason with a brick wall that you cannot penetrate at all. Narcissists will accuse you of things that have no basis of reality as a DIVERSION to create an argument or a crisis that YOU must deal with – it is a chaotic and coercive tactic to throw you off base. Their negative energy will expand in YOUR mind because you basically respond to whatever the crisis situation is. In turn, they will continue to pull you right into it to deplete your energy by making you respond to the situation or get you hyper involved and stuck in your head trying to use your normal resources to get to some cohesive conclusion where there is NONE.

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

Narcissists love to create, seed, and cultivate their toxic and chaotic drama for the basic reason to CONTROL people! Yes, they are into drama and extremely dramatic because they live with so much internal chaos – even as controlled as they may seem to be. Narcissists also create drama as another distorted tool to get supply or draw all the attention to them OR also away from them when they need to avoid exposure. It is what they do with this drama because it never achieves anything good and it is used to basically divide and conquer people, divert from the truth, keep them confused, to control, and to isolate people. You can bet the Narcissist is always the go to person or at the center of all chaos and drama in EVERY situation but always comes out smelling like a rose because they are very shrewd instigators. The Narcissist I knew was very adept at this and cunning in the manner that they did it (triangulation) but be assured someone or something was being destroyed in the process! My Narcissist would always say that they were like a cat that would land on its feet and come up smelling like that rose NO MATTER WHAT. I always thought that this was very odd to hear because it described a person that knew they did some awful things to people and got away with it and felt proud of the fact that they came out of it unscathed – NOW I understand completely!

With a Narcissist life is a perpetual crisis because they are wounded so easily and life’s eternal victims so they shoot blame out anywhere they can. Everything is a perceived threat real or not – BUT they expect you to fix it NOW and on their delusional terms only. We all experience rough times, but a Narcissist has a natural inclination to make the good, the bad, and everything else into an ugly and chaotic situation or everything is a crisis where they go above and beyond what would be deemed as a normal reaction. Remember this too, when they want to really play their games, they will even accuse you of things that have no basis of reality to create an argument and a crisis that YOU have to deal with – sort of their chaotic and coercive diversion tactic to throw you off base. Their energy will expand in YOUR mind because you basically respond to whatever the crisis is, and they will pull you into it to deplete your energy by making you respond to the situation or get you hyper involved and stuck in your head trying to use your ‘normal thought processes’ to get to some cohesive conclusion where there is NONE. Remember that YOU are OK here and again this is crazy making to throw you off center!

This is how they condition you into becoming dependent on them and usually it is through their devious manipulation, threats and negative responses from the crisis they create – and they JUST MIGHT LEAVE YOU (or whatever threat) if you don’t change your ways. So, you are conditioned to always walk on those perpetual eggs shells and accept their behavior to basically keep the peace and avoid their punishment or rage and again this is purely control. They cannot really empathize, so empathy is not at the basis of any part of their interactions with people. Lies, deceit, manipulation, blaming, triangulation, conquering, and dividing people are. These actions ARE the basis of their ‘crazy making’ tactic or the real mechanics to their agenda as well as a dehumanizing ploy the Narcissist uses to manage people down. It is part of their plan to bring you down and keep you down. They will also project their own personal chaos and downfalls onto you to free themselves of the personal shame that lives inside of them. They really know how to work a situation to get attention, create chaos, blame, and dump some personal shame onto their target – this is all part of THEIR internal pathology! That is the reality of their life – they are human projection machines that have no reality except to source out their externalized needs or find supply.

Here is a big eye opener that you must truly internalize – they need you and your energy to be successful at maintaining their façade and achieving supply. They do not want you to leave them until they want to go, so they go to great lengths to get and keep your attention until they have used you up as well as found another source of supply to replace you. Remember supply to them can be anything that gives them attention, be it negative or positive as long as it supports that façade! I used to ask my Narcissist if I was so horrid WHY NOT LEAVE – but my Narcissist kept coming back with that little bit of love bombing, more lies and fake promises because they had not found a replacement yet (well many side ones but none that stuck).

Like a toddler that has not reached a level of emotional maturity, they consistently go from loving and supporting you to getting angry and detesting or hating you to get their needs fulfilled through their debilitating up and down chaos and tantrums but with a Narcissist there is absolutely no love or bond there JUST wants and needs and constant diaper changes. They have their many toys and the shiniest one is the one that they ‘sort of love’ for the time being until a newer toy catches their attention. Their moods and responses are inconsistent and dealing with them feels like you are walking through a field of landmines where at any moment you may step on one and it will detonate, but those emotions that bond you to them and your empathy keeps you hanging on and tiptoeing around those landmines. Well add to this the emotional and psychological abuse that manipulates and blinds your way and distorts your reality.

A Narcissist WILL try to please you, but the nice things they do always have a huge cost and a motive a motive behind them. They play the saint or martyr that keeps score, and just when you think everything is okay, BAM they get you one more time, and then once more and once more until there are so many levels of this chaos that you are lost and isolated within their debilitating pathology. Their modus operandi is to sabotage you while they look innocent. For instance, they will commit to doing something when they really do not want to do it and then consistently bail out at the last minute. Or they will conveniently forget. Perhaps they will run late and miss an event or a timeline. Everyone has these experiences now and again, but Narcissists do this all the time, and they want to turn it around and get you to feel guilty and upset about WHAT THEY ARE PURPOSELY doing to you. They will make up excuses with the most ambiguous details or justifications when it comes to accountability and then sulk and act like a victim if YOU get upset meanwhile, they have betrayed you in some form or fashion that you are not aware of. They will conveniently lose items, forget dates, miss deadlines, ruin plans, and then become sad and withdrawn because they have tried so awfully hard when they have done nothing but be irresponsible, tricked you and then they blame you as not understanding, etc. This is just more of their crazy making and chaos! Add to this the outright lies, the cruel behavior, the betrayal, the raging temper, and there you have it – a Narcissist that means to create chaos and crazy making to manage you down to nothingness. REMEMBER that this is all intentional and a key component to their abuse tactics.

It is important or better yet imperative to know what you are dealing with as far as this chaotic crazy maker is concerned because they are destructive psycho bullies! However, with this type of abuse AND because of the charm factor, and/or love that is also introduced into the factoring there is always the tendency to be a little blind to the possibility of the truth especially if the person is a loved one or someone awfully close to you. We actually end up taking the Narcissist’s behavior personally and applying credence to what they are saying, or possibly even believing that the crazy maker (abuser) in our life could change or we could help them. We also expect the crazy maker to play by the same rules with communication or apply normal etiquette as everyone else, but they do not. Our world is a normal one, their world lacks the normality and integrity that we know and understand and is purely driven by their pathology. Crazy making Narcissists do not play by the same rules as you and me. You will save yourself a lot of headaches and energy if you realize this now and stop trying to make the crazy maker REAL in your life anymore or respond to your concerns because you are talking to a brick wall that you cannot penetrate!

So, it is important to internalize that the Narcissist delivers distorted and corrupt messages that are disguised as carefully and as proportionate as that disordered and fake mask they wear that conceals their false and negative self and their destructive agenda. They are negative messages disguised in a positive message or even a gesture. This inevitably sets you up to lose ALL THE TIME! All of this adds up to feeling worthless and everything you do seems to be inappropriate or wrong! There is only ONE way to end the madness and chaos – no/minimal contact! Greg

Narcissist – the GREAT IMPOSTER! Nar•cis•sist [nahr-suh-sist] – noun – con artist, life HACK, scammer, chameleon, shape shifter, liar, extortionist, manipulator, great pretender, thief, user, “Charms to Harm,” abuser. PREDATOR after PREY! Dangerous to ALL humans no matter what the connection!

Narcissist – the GREAT IMPOSTER! Nar•cis•sist [nahr-suh-sist] – noun – con artist, life HACK, scammer, chameleon, shape shifter, liar, extortionist, manipulator, great pretender, thief, user, “Charms to Harm,” abuser. PREDATOR after PREY! Dangerous to ALL humans no matter what the connection!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Beneath that thin mask the Narcissist wears is the reality of their pathological self PLUS their WHOLE past of victims/targets they have abused and an envy for life that shows in their raging temper that is like a volcano that can erupt at any given moment. YES, they are aware of their actions because they use lie after lie to cover up their abuse. Like a child that stole a piece of candy and lies about it to avoid being punished – so does the Narcissist at a monumental level. Remember their past is always following them and should they ever stop for a moment it will catch up with them and completely consume them because they are abusers that have damaged many people’s lives – even their own family so they try to extinguish the flames from that past with MORE lies. When the going gets tough the Narcissist gets going – so they are off and running to new supply ALWAYS surrounding themselves with a protective circle of new targets/victims, MORE NEW LIES, as well as a new and WONDEROUS life to shore up their disordered life AGAIN – and this equation ALWAYS includes the demise/destruction of the previous source of supply and the “believers” that support the delusional Narcissist! Thus, the cycle of abuse – they are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.

The Narcissist is a human that is not fully functioning – and quickly becomes very adept at “fitting in” with camouflage or “a mask” as it is described clinically. Initially, the Narcissist will size up AND take in as much if not of all the new target’s behavior and mimic it or mirror it back to them to SEEM like they have so much in common with the victim – NO MATTER WHAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS. The Narcissist is VERY ADEPT AT THIS and will carefully study the target’s interactions with others, as well as their body language, tone of voice, and general demeanor. As an expert predator/hunter, the Narcissist will methodically craft a plan of attack and begin to track and assess their target’s every thought. The Narcissist will slowly approach the target with complimentary words and statements and then the Narcissist will model themselves and their behaviors to what he/she thinks will please and SNARE their new target into their web of deceit and destruction. The Narcissist will assume the behavior of the target’s “perfect partner”. The Narcissist knows what the target desires in a partner, friend, or mate and morph’s right into that role – the MOST PERFECT friend, lover or again whatever the relationship may be. This is the most important aspect in the Narcissist’s arsenal of tools – GAINING TRUST of their target soon to be victim – this is the CHARM or love bombing. Without it the cycle of abuse and extortion will just not happen, and the Narcissist is unable to secure their LIFE SUSTAINING supply, so they HEAVILY invest in this tactic. Remember without it they CANNOT get to their precious source of supply and they cannot survive without it – so this basically describes the truth of the situation or that they are PREDATORS AFTER PREY. Also remember that they must create their supporters or minions on the side to protect them as well. A Narcissist’s true colors will always show that they are abusive, so they need their support system to protect them once they are outed.

A Narcissist is so seductive that he/she makes you believe in him/her with your whole heart, mind and soul. Unfortunately for all who tread on this emotional rollercoaster with a Narcissist they don’t realize just how dangerous this connection with them is until it is too late. The charm a Narcissist utilizes creates an oblivious feeling of being connected or very attracted to most everything about them. We can become fascinated with someone because of their physical beauty BUT a charming and captivating Narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks can increase the magnetic pull towards the Narcissist, but that is not at the core of this abuse, it is the manufactured charm that is a psychologically damaging and a deceptive tool used to manipulate, condition, manage you down and control you.

They charm people to death (figuratively) and this is what literally attracts us to them or that CHARM. But with a Narcissist it is that magnetism that makes you feel a sort of hypnotizing attraction that manifests itself in your psyche and every level of your soul and right to your core beliefs! You are being charmed by their shrewd ability of REFLECTING back everything that is YOU creating this intoxicating and deep-rooted bond. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you have known them a long time, soul mates, or you feel very safe with them – perhaps you have known them in a prior life or whatever fantasy belief that Narcissist has instilled in your mind. BUT, they will suck the life out of you once they find a way in and THAT is why they CHARM us so heavily in the beginning – again, so much so that it is intoxicating.

Narcissists work extremely hard at making themselves believable as it concerns their overt lies and myths about themselves. They arm themselves with a vast array of learned information they have harvested through their observations of other humans. They acquire and then wear, personalize, or enhance this information as if it is truly theirs. So, what is the goal again with all of this? To snag you into his/her Narcissistic lair to make you supply them with the things they need and cannot get because they are a dark and manipulative personality that envies life, love and people.

Remember and completely internalize this – there is no marriage vow, relationship (even family), friendship, or connection to the care and love they proclaim they have for us. NOTHING prohibits a Narcissist from doing exactly what they want because there are no consequences they feel internally and really there is NO RELATIONSHIP or bonding with them – just an agenda to objectify ALL people. BUT also remember this – YOU do possess empathy, YOU can love people, YOU can bond, YOU can have all kinds of relationships, and YOU will recover from the hack on your life from this creature! YOU were too strong for them and saw through their façade because YOU are amazing! The miracle here is that the Narcissist is out of your life no matter how painful it feels right now – be strong! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

Breaking the spell, the Narcissist casts over you with the insidious gaslighting that they use ALL THROUGHOUT the relationship they have with you! I really wanted to go into some detail of how the Narcissist basically uses gaslighting to make YOU question your own sanity, well-being, memory, or basically everything about you so they gain the upper hand by keeping you in a constant state of confusion/control and reality questioning – YOUR reality not theirs!

Breaking the spell, the Narcissist casts over you with the insidious gaslighting that they use ALL THROUGHOUT the relationship they have with you! I really wanted to go into some detail of how the Narcissist basically uses gaslighting to make YOU question your own sanity, well-being, memory, or basically everything about you so they gain the upper hand by keeping you in a constant state of confusion/control and reality questioning – YOUR reality not theirs!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

With “gas-lighting”, the Narcissist will emphatically call into question the MIND of their target/victim by manipulating the memory, thoughts, and ideas of the target/victim. The Narcissist will now employ whatever method necessary to control these thoughts in a manner to confound, confuse and debase the target/victim, to cover lies, affairs or accountability, or make them think they are experiencing memory loss, or have mental issues that are of great concern to the target/victim’s well-being. The Narcissist will even “recycle” these old issues repeatedly to further use at a later date to reinforce the target/victim’s ineptness as a “countering” point AND drive it home even DEEPER in a continued effort to damage the target/victim’s psyche. A Narcissist will even backstab and smear you to OTHER family members, friends, or whoever they can to make YOU out as having issues. THEN they turn around and LIE again and say that THESE people (the ones the Narcissist poisoned with lies) were the ones that told the Narcissist YOU had issues – a double whammy of manipulation to isolate and control you by surrounding you with so much desperation concerning your very ow well-being!

Have you ever heard these words before from your Narcissist? “Did you forget when you didn’t get things right the last time!” OR “You thought the same thing the last time and you were wrong, DON’T YOU REMEMBER?” The target/ victim did remember things correctly, but the Narcissist is so very adept at confusing and confounding their target/victim by consistently BUT slowly, and methodically “countering” every real thought. This throws the victim off the subject matter at the time, getting them to instead mull over their memory confusion or mental acuity. DIVERSION!

Ah Ha – this is where the real struggle within starts for the target/victim, but it is ever so slow and insidiously done. If the target/victim has not already started questioning their own thought processes (sanity) or confusion, they will in time. When you are constantly told that your memory, thoughts, experiences, feelings, and instinct is emphatically wrong, chances are, you will eventually start to believe the Narcissist. Remember the Narcissist spent a great deal of time to “charm” you and gain your adoration, love and TRUST. When we trust someone, we BELIEVE that they have our best interest at heart. Unfortunately, we never realized that we were charmed to be harmed because the Narcissist’s agenda is to objectify us in an effort to extort as much “supply” from us that he/she can.

Do you recall hearing things like this? “You see everything in the most negative way” or “You are nagging about something all the time” or “You’re making things up in your head or blowing things out of proportion” or “You have an overactive imagination, and you see or take everything wrong.” Or better yet the Narcissist embellishes it with a little emotional spice! “You have never believed in me, and you probably never believed in me – ever!”

The target/victim is never entirely clear what the abuser’s intentions are because they were charmed into believing that their partner is “good” and can be trusted. So, when the abuser responds quickly with anger and word diversions to confuse/confound, the target/victim starts to believe that he/she may have “taken it all wrong,” this is why we are met so quickly with the Narcissists anger. It is a matter of conditioning us, but the conditioning is coming from someone we love and what is that saying, “love is blind?” We want to trust the person we love; we want to continue this love; we apply empathy in an attempt to fix every situation and that ends up distorting the reality that we are being manipulated BY A MONSTER! So, the Narcissist puts another notch in their belt by gaining more control and will now start upping the game to gain full control. Thus, the cycle of this abuse.

There is more method to the Narcissists madness that still deals with gas-lighting and that would be a method called diverting whereby communication is controlled and manipulated at a higher level. The Narcissist refuses to comment or answer maybe stating “I’m not going through this again tonight” and closes the discussion on things the Narcissist has already discussed. Also, when withholding information, the gas-lighting Narcissist prevents all possibility of coming to a fair resolution, to their target/victim. We could use the term “silencing” here as well. This leaves the target/victim full of anxiety and yet buried by another level of confusion so there is never any real closure or satisfaction – JUST “blame and shame.”

Then there is “diverting,” the gas-lighting Narcissist changes the subject, and NOW accuses the target/victim of accusing them (the Narcissist) wrongly or in the wrong manner and “HOW DARE YOU DO THIS!” Gas-lighting in this manner effectively dodges any resolute answer, much less provides a healthy resolution or even a concern that two people in a relationship should have. The Narcissist diverts the targets/victims attempts to gain clarity or sympathy, and “diverts” from the actual subject by displacing the entire topic at hand using irrelevant declarations or even raging to side-track the whole conversation PLUS inflict more convincing damage that IT IS ALWAYS THE TARGET/VICTIM.

How about these sayings? “You always have to be right” or “Where did you get a crazy/stupid/weird/dumb idea like that” or “Stop, and don’t say another word, we have already been through this” or even “Whatever” (sarcastically).

Healthy partners do not want to see their partner feeling bad or hurt when they are deeply committed and love one another, and they would want to comfort each other and resolve the issue. Alternatively, the goal of manipulative accusations is to blame/shame the partner for THEIR (the Narcissists) anger, irritation, or insecurity, making the target/victim the person at fault or wrong for the way THEY REACTED AND ACCUSED the poor Narcissist. It justifies the Narcissists actions or misleads the target/victim from questioning and keeps them in a fog and feeling mentally unhealthy.

Let us add another aspect called “Trivializing.” It is a subtle form of gas-lighting also. It makes the target/victim very frustrated because they feel they cannot appropriately explain themselves and they are left feeling depressed and frustrated and NEVER with any closure to any important situation – just confusion. The Narcissist will toss it aside by saying “this isn’t important to us” or “you are going to let something like this come between us?”

“Forgetting” is also a method of gas-lighting. It is denial that an event happened at all. These forgotten events usually have had great impact on a target/victim. Targets/victims will try to discuss incidents to help resolve issues sometimes only in the hopes of avoiding the same hurt, rage, or confusion in the future, but the Narcissist will still deny it ever happened, with an accusatory comment like: “What are you talking about” or “I don’t have to listen to this again!”

The flip side of this is when the Narcissist consistently “forgets” making the promises which are most important to their partner, thereby causing more pain and confusion. It could simply be a promise to go to a movie or the Narcissist forgetting the target/victim’s birthday – but in every case it is always done intentionally. The result is still the same, leaving the target/victim in emotional peril as well as confused and with no possibility of reconciliation.

Finally, the Narcissist will also use plain old “denial.” “Nope, not me, didn’t do it.” Again, more gas-lighting and the target/victim is just left to deal with the fact that the Narcissist knowingly denied whatever the issue was, so the target/victim starts to wonder what else could there possibly be as far as lies, affairs, etc., etc. THEN how does the target/victim even have the slightest bit of reality to see through any given hour of any day clearly. Life is always laden with doubt, confusion, manipulation, none-of-which can be reconciled so the target/victim has been rendered motionless and unable to function normally in this toxic relationship. The Narcissist has done their damage and can easily move in and out of the target/victim’s head as well as live their disordered and out-of-control life. No-one is the wiser as far as it concerns the Narcissist and suddenly in our disabled state of emotions we look like the guilty and crazy “ones!”

So eventually a gas-lighting Narcissist wins the ultimate war, and the final argument, when the target/victim begins to collapse mentally and emotionally. The Narcissist will then mock and humiliate their target/victim even more by accusing them of so many crazy “wrongdoings.” That shrewd Narcissist has been searching for a solution to “help” the target/victim by enlisting the aid of their mutual friends, hoping to get a response that will pin the abuse and craziness on the target/victim by backstabbing and smearing them. Just another subtle approach to spread the poison everywhere and there is no anecdote strong enough to save the target/victim from all the damage the Narcissist has done.

NO CONTACT so that you can breathe again, live life again, feel HOPE again, and BE FREE to feel goodness and real love again. Greg

WHY were we always walking on eggshells or had that constant and uneasy feeling when we were around this Narcissist, OR that feeling of anxiety, panic, and FEAR like we had to protect ourselves and perform as well as submit to their every whim and need OR ELSE!

WHY were we always walking on eggshells or had that constant and uneasy feeling when we were around this Narcissist, OR that feeling of anxiety, panic, and FEAR like we had to protect ourselves and perform as well as submit to their every whim and need OR ELSE! Well, we were protecting ourselves from more chaos, more attacks, more blame, and shame – BUT FOR WHAT? The answer – to constantly keep us wrapped up in uncertainty, chaos, fear, and off balance with them – it is called control!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

It is always a circular conversation with a Narcissist that never ends and is always filled with irrelevant and meaningless points, word salads and basically nonsense meant to keep you in chaos AND fearful with no end in sight. WHY because they want to diminish something about you through their conflicting messaging. They have a point and that is to bring YOU down with their words.

The Narcissist’s reign of terror and destruction begins with small negative comments about the victim. The Narcissist will begin to mentally disassemble the victim’s self-esteem and beliefs about themselves and the relationship. What was once considered the perfect relationship now becomes a relationship that is unnerving, controlling, debasing, dehumanizing, gut wrenching, unstable and full of blame and shame. The victim is constantly kept emotionally and psychologically off balance by the insidious behaviors of their Narcissistic partner and ALWAYS having to explain themselves and feeling like they must do more and more to please the Narcissist and living in FEAR.

So, they start off with what always seems like a command hidden in a question – and right away you feel confused and a little taken back by how they start this conversation out. You try to work with them, maybe even asking them to be more specific because you WANT to work it out. NO, that Narcissist is going to keep you jumping through hoops instead of getting some sort of reason or logic going because they want to take complete control of this so-called conversation by locking you up in a word salad or confusion. That Narcissist wants a REACTION – whether it is to get you frustrated, angry, or whatever so they can take it to another level – BUT you still do not know what the jest of it YET. You try harder – and even give your best attempt of resolving whatever they are trying to say – grabbing onto bits and pieces of what they originally said, and they raise it up to a higher level by scrutinizing YOUR good words and making them wrong now. They then weaponize YOUR words and say that YOU are mistreating THEM. NOW it becomes an argument about YOUR words – and you are standing there with your jaw dropping to the ground because where did this conversation come from and you still do not know what it is exactly about, you have given them options to resolve it – but now they are attacking you at every level they can treating you in a condescending tone like YOU are a child. This keeps going in circles and all that is happening now is that YOU are being admonished. They bring up things you said that were innocent and are now using them against use as if you threatened them – still you have no clue how this got to this point. Next, they will take it to a higher level where they will say that they have never experienced someone that acts like you, or others say or have said that you are difficult. Lastly it is time for them to push you close to the edge and accuse you of something or other that is supposed to make you feel horrible, they may even threaten you saying that what you have done is illegal! BAM – there you go they have created a toxic scenario to trap you into a chaotic situation that leaves you exhausted and confused.

The victim becomes less and less of what they use to be prior to meeting the Narcissist. It becomes a vicious cycle of denigration, debasing, dehumanization, and destruction by the Narcissist until there is nothing of substance left of the victim. The dismantling of the victim’s total identity was skillfully orchestrated by the Narcissist, and then as if to add INSULT TO INJURY the Narcissist will unmercifully criticize and blame the victim for “not being the person” the Narcissist fell in love with. All the “blame and shame” will ceremoniously be dumped on the victim to kick them down even further into the destruction a Narcissist inflicts on everyone.

The Narcissist will even “project” their betrayal and perverse lifestyle onto the victim and accuse them of what they (the Narcissist) are actually doing. The Narcissist will not yield to anything once they have the reigns of terror going and will even physically make fun of their victim to inflict every possible form of damage they can. This disables the victim completely, so they cannot possibly fight back and expose the Narcissist as the REAL abuser they are. The Narcissist has been back-stabbing and “smearing” the victim to family, friends, co-workers, and any other people that will listen to further damage the integrity of the victim. The Narcissist will then discard the victim quickly and without regard. The cycle of abuse and destruction has been completed. The victim has been disabled by the Narcissist and left by the roadside. This describes and is NARCISSISTIC ABUSE or better yet emotional and psychological rape of their victim. This is not simply “emotional abuse”, or a bad relationship between two people – this is a calculated attack of a predator after prey. This is a disordered human being that willfully harms good people – EVEN their own biological children will become victims of their damaging cycle of abuse. Predator after prey!

You can and will recover from this abuse – but YOU MUST understand that the Narcissist is as calculated in their attacks on people as is a shark with its prey. Once you establish the facts/truth about your abuser you must put it all into perspective to release from the “blame and shame” as well as the worthlessness you feel that the Narcissist made you internalize or better yet forced down your throat. Find that spirit, it is still there with you as well as your self-esteem, goodness, empathy, and LOVE — I promise you that this had NOTHING to do with who or what you are, it has to do with an extremely disordered person that manipulated you into ALL OF THIS because they are an abhorrent and disordered human being. You are and always have been the beautiful and amazing person you were – THAT IS WHY YOU ARE STILL HERE TODAY, and you still have tomorrow – and do not give that up. You WILL be the person you once were! Greg

It is all about that MASK and façade – they can become ANYTHING and ANYONE they want to be to get WHAT they want. They are NOT real – they are the great manipulators. They process what they want and need into a façade to manipulate it from their supply. It is about ‘wants and needs,’ THEIR wants and THEIR needs ONLY!

It is all about that MASK and façade – they can become ANYTHING and ANYONE they want to be to get WHAT they want. They are NOT real – they are the great manipulators. They process what they want and need into a façade to manipulate it from their supply. It is about ‘wants and needs,’ THEIR wants and THEIR needs ONLY!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Nobody is attracted to or lured into any type of relationship by anyone that exhibits abusive behavior; they are tricked and then trapped into that abusive and destructive behavior by a predator (Narcissist.) If a Narcissist would attack your self-confidence on the first meeting, then the Narcissist would lose their prey – YES THEY ARE PREDATORS that wear MANY masks and facades. A relationship with a Narcissist is about control and power. Within that control and power is an arsenal of tools they use to abuse you (us.) The Narcissist uses you for whatever purpose they want or basically to satisfy all their needs. Be it sex, money, a mask of normalcy because you are an exceptionally good person, or your generosity they are right there grabbing what they can get.

The Narcissist is an EXTREME egotist that denies the truth of their dysfunctional and repulsive world to themselves and cleverly hide it by the means of a false reflection or mask to pathologically fool or snare us into their grasp. The more the Narcissist can successfully ‘seduce’ others and convince them that they are loved or liked the more bounty (supply) for the Narcissist. They are self-created, or better yet, self-de-created, and then FALSELY re-created. What is re-created is not a self, but a reflection or ‘FUNCTIONAL” copy of a working image of a human being. It is a compilation of observations the Narcissist has made from watching people and mirroring what he/she learns and then projects it all back to them – imitating their good qualities, likes/dislikes, everything, and anything ESPECIALLY caring or love to draw us into their web of deceit. They really bring home the definition of ‘having something in common’ with people. They MORPH into having EVERYTHING in common with us because they want/need what we have! We ARE the next target in a long line of victims because it is our turn to supply them.

Unfortunately, we believed it was a real bond with them, one that was created with care or love – be it a wife, husband, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, or friend. As harsh as this definition will sound as it concerns our involvement with a Narcissist, it IS the biggest lie, manipulation, betrayal, extortion, and destruction we will ever experience in our lives. It is abuse at the hands of a very disordered personality, one that will look you straight in the eyes and state that they care or love you, but they have the proverbial knife to your back to control you AND ready at any time they decide to stab and harm you and even destroy you for no reason other than an association you have with them be it a family bond or an association by chance. The truth is that ANY association with them for ANY length of time and for ANY reason is toxic and poisonous and they will do some sort of damage to your life or well-being. NOTHING is ever right with a Narcissist because we are only functional objects to them that serve only one purpose – fulfilling their needs for the time being.

The habit of treating a human being or a person as a means to an end is utilitarian (to satisfy a need or fulfill an AGENDA) and fundamentally an inhumane or a pathological and perverted manipulation of our basic human rights. The Narcissist is feeding their endless ‘depravity void’ through injustice by his/her regard for others as mere instruments of the Narcissist’s own gratification. The closer the association to a Narcissist the more pathological the Narcissist becomes, and the more emotional and psychological damage done to the target/victim. Their needs are far more than just extorting basic life and biological needs – it is their psychological needs that cause the most damage to their target/victim. It is their need to control and gain dominance or power over other people that damages and destroys them AND at any cost.

So again, it is a trap that Narcissists use to attract new victims and make them feel wanted, cared for, a friend, loved and safe. If this behavior were genuine and consistent, Narcissists would be perfect partners. Unfortunately, it’s not. The flattery, care, friendship, attention, affection, sex, and sensuality, gifts, promises of commitment all constitute the Narcissists bait to trap you into providing them with Narcissistic supply.

So ultimately the Narcissist wants nothing less than to control and get everything they can from you and then leave you a shell of the person you once were – THAT is what is hidden behind the mask and facade. They only lured you into their web of deceit to poison your mind so that they could disable you psychologically. This enabled them to control you with their psychopathic bond. It is within that bond that you risk the chance of losing everything and anything you hold dear to you – and most importantly who you are. They are BASICALLY human with most of the same biological needs (like eating, breathing and sexuality) but when it comes to mental functions they are delusional and seem to have a battle that rages in their head to seriously harm people that care or love them as if they loathe all people and need to destroy them one by one. There are no internal mechanisms that allow them to bond with people beyond fulfilling those needs. No/minimal contact to remove them completely from your life. Greg

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