What to expect after the break-up with the narcissist

by After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life & Love on Wednesday, May 23, 2012 at 9:06pm ·

Exploring your new-found freedom from the dysfunctional relationship can be filled with anticipation and excitement. Likewise, it can be filled with  frustration, confusion, cynicism, ,and you’ll feel like you’re back on an emotional roller coaster!  What you are experiencing is a different sort of emotional struggle, i.e., remaining  low self-esteem, poor physical health,  hatred, unsuccessful dating and dating fear, level of cynicism towards the opposite sex is most likely at an unhealthy levels, etc.  So the basis of this article is to guide you though the realities of what to expect from yourself and your abuser post dissolution.


In the beginning.. “THE X”


By now you understand that your former spouse/ significant other’s personality disorder is a life long condition and will typically get worse as they age.


If you were fortunate enough to escape without children involved, then the necessity to utilize coping skills will be very temporary, because you truly have nothing that binds or commits one another.


Exceptions would be joint ownership of assets in an LTR Vs a Marriage.  Comparatively speaking, where post-dissolutions of marriage between two healthy personalities can work through issues, the unhealthy, high conflict personalities post dissolution always tend to remain in never-ending drama.


This is due in part to the healthy personality not establishing solid boundaries from their former abuser. As there is usually a healthy personality involved in such dysfunctional former relationships, then it’s a matter of emotional discipline, emotional maturity, and learning coping skills.


As the former victim/abused, you must learn to be disciplined for the sake of your future happiness. One of the main reasons why one becomes a victim of abuse is a lack of discipline where it concerns relationship boundaries. A person may recognize some of the relationship dysfunction early on, however, tends to ignore the traits and characteristics of their mate.


In essence, they are ignoring the boundaries that should have served them in the first place. Giving these emotional predators any “benefit of doubt” or “forgiveness”  is like giving them the rope to hang their victims. They prey on individuals that are forgiving, emotionally sound, and are romantics. It’s like “shooting fish in a Barrel” to them.


We’ve established that a former high conflict relationship without children, or investments is rather basic, you simply go “no contact.” This is not to say that it will be a “cake walk” in the beginning, because it will still require discipline. Everything still applies so pay close attention to detail.


Here is the scary part, it doesn’t matter if the relationship was for months or years, your abuser believes they will always “own” you, that they will always have control over you, till death do you part! Their arrogance precedes them and believe all that they considered close to them during their lifetime can still be manipulated despite time.


All the perceptions and attitudes when one is in the abusive relationship MUST CHANGE in order to detach from the abuser. In other words, what you thought and believed then most likely has been weakened therefore, you will have to develop new and stronger patterns of thinking in order to successfully detach.


So many times after such a relationship is over, we tend to open our “emotional door” once more and the madness begins once again. This enables your abuser rather than disarming them.  The intent may have been good, and they may have given you a convincing or plausible story unrelated to the relationship in order to communicate with you.


Giving the abuser a one inch crack in that emotional door is most certainly a mistake for they will take any opening that allows them to hurt you. Remember this too, successfully detaching will not  eliminate their behavior,because their dysfunctional traits and characteristics are virtually cast in stone.


They will not change. So the importance of being disciplined in forming new perceptions, and attitudes towards the former abuser will serve in protecting all that is meaningful in your life. Sticking to your guns will initially piss off your abuser, so expect some new craziness to happen.


Believe me, they will be digging deep into their “Bag of Tricks” to overcome their perceived perpetrator. Keep this in mind, they are capable of unimaginable and egregious behavior because your initiative of no contact has upset the very core of their being. Their nastiness can range from simple verbal attacks to being downright destructive. Do not underestimate them and be prepared for anything despite how well you think you may know them.


What the complete detachment and no contact process will create is and  ”out of sight, out of mind” condition whereby pattens of behavior will change if appropriate measures of action are solid on behalf of the healthy personality involved. Otherwise, it can continue to be a “hell on earth.” Yes, it is up to you, because you must remember, they will never change!


If you were in a relationship with an NPD, most likely they will move on much more quickly than a BPD. NPD’s are more hurtful and damaging during a relationship Vs the BPD, however, the BPD tends to continue their madness after the fact.  BPD’s, Histrionic’s, Bipolar’s, have a variation in presence of conscience and emotion, therefore they struggle between reality and their perceived world. Whereas, the NPD has no presence of conscience, hence their ability to move on and seek a new victim or supply.


In summary, expect some continued craziness in the beginning of a break up, given time though, it will subside to a more manageable  level.  Do not engage or provoke your former abuser in any way, you are now in control, not them. Truth and reality are your abuser’s enemies because it sends their egocentric core reeling out of control, so stick to less emotional situations and resolves.


This is one of the most important aspects of your abuser that you must remind yourself of each time they speak, “they are masters of manipulation for the sake of self, not you, and not the children.”


Be disciplined in mind and heart to understand, your former abuser cares about no one but themselves. Remember too, just when you think you’ve got them figured out, they throw a little deception, manipulation, a lie or two, and you are now pissed off!


Amazing how easy they get you right where they want you!  Do not allow them to engage you this way, you are the better person, shame on them for doing this to you, and next time you will be a little smarter, right!  Life is too short to allow others drama and dysfunction to affect those they don’t deserve to be with in the first place. Always put your “thinking cap” on and make sound judgments when communication with your former abuser is necessary.

  1. Hello friend…and NARC magnet…no offense,as I am in a similar boat,but not as big….first and foremost…Never pamper a woman,I mean they have a built in rotten part of the brain that makes you ” lower” than them,especially a narc…I would have to say your mate has been woed by another,and that’s what they do,they get wht they want from one,are attention grabbers,they really don’t know the meaning of true love,do not beat yourself up[ buddy….I was on the verge of jumping off a bridge so to speak…but narcs “feed” on people/guys like you and I..i repeat do not blame you,thats what they do too,and they’re very convincing,brain twisting you and then laughing about your reaction..mine is kinduh the opposite on the entertainment or carreer part as I was an enertainer till she drug me down so far I could not create or spark the fire in what I do….and that is what they do as well….they feel entitled to cheat…..it’s all about me,me,me,me(them)….and if you do as you’r doing she will come back because she “CAN” feed on you…because any other fling she has WILL NOT LAST because this is such an unchangeable condition,they say that sometimes they know not whaat hey do nor do they care….and sex is one of them…i know it hurts like hell,but you have to grab yourself!!!!And i mean hang on and realize IT’S NOT YOU MAN!!!!….I am on the 2nd round with this one,she has stole,lied,and now,and probably before cheating,I have seen too many signs and I saw her with 2 stuffed overnight bags just a few days at her work and using her co worker as a scapegoat and she gets off at 6 am,I saw her get in another vehicle right before my eyes,and she thought I didnt see it but as I was leaving the lot of her work,dropping time sensitive mail,her co workers all acted really weird and all gather outside like i was a stalker or something….so she has a protective halo there….she adamently denied getting into another vehicle….I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES!!!! I mean wow!!!! this one lies,and they believe their own lies as well…Please do yourself a favor and RUN!!!!…There are NORMAL woman out there,but be careful with the pampering,it ALWAYS backfires for some reason,ask any psyh they’ll tell yuh that is one of there attributes…mine has a systematic way of starting a fight,blaming me,then leaving….isnt that easy? hell yaeh….they do it!!!! and have no empathy for you whatsoever…they are an empty shell of beauty most the time….most are celebs….and alot are everywhere…and mostly women…some scripture for yuh……makes since- THEY ABUSE AND CONTROL YOU BECAUSE IT WORKS!!! ….They say to HAVE NO CONTACT,and sometimes the evil ones will pile it on yuh when you cut them off….actually im scared of mine as she is pure evil…her last 2 husbands,she tried to let the 2nd one die right before her eyes,he had a stroke and layed on floor for at least 7-8 hours,as the medic said per the son….I found that out way late…..so they are capable of very un humane like things due to lack of oncience and just google narcisistic behavior and read and you’ll see…ask any question,like” what do i do when lady is cheating….it goes to a narc site….hang on feel free to contact anytime

  2. All my thanks to Dr.Olukun. My ex-husband and I have been back together for two months now. And it’s been even better than ever. We’ve been talking about our future, about moving in together and also getting married soon. Things between us are great. I thank you for helping to bring him back to me!, and in case you want to also contact him for help email address is olukuntemple@gmail.com

  3. Gosh, I feel like such an idiot. I was married to my ex wife for 14 years, left 7 or 8 times for a month at a time. I always went back, thinking it would be different. It never was.

    We started out with physical and emotional abuse and comparing me to her ex. Saying he was a better man than me. I didn’t fold the towels right. then after leaving a few times the physical abuse went away and was replaced by a cold shoulder and being told she didn’t love me any longer. I went 12 years without affection and being told I was loved.

    Now that I finally left and have been gone for 6 months she still calls, saying I am crazy not to back because she has changed. She says everyone thinks I am an crazy not to go back to her because she is beautiful and nice body and such a good mother.

    God it drives me crazy, my stomach is in knots, my head aches when she calls. I have tried ignoring her calls but she keeps saying she will just show up at my apartment. I actually think she is nuts enough to do it. I fear what she may do so I still tippy toe around her sometimes.

    She repeats herself over and over and I am fearful that my children hear her doing this and may have picked up her narcissistic habits. they have seen me get ignored and disrespected. Having their mother sleep with them every night. going to bed at 8 or 9 to avoid time with me.

    It was the worst thing I ever experienced in my life. she beat me down to the point I was considering self harm. I feel like I am unworthy of love. Unworthy of affection.

    I just want her to leave me alone to live a peaceful life with my kids.

    Am I the crazy one? I don’t know any longer.

    • Thats sounds so similiar to my situation Bob – My wife and I split 2 years ago and up until a couple of weeks ago I actually thought I’d forgotten about all the emotional pain she put me through its all started up again now that the new bloke is on the scene. I know it’s probably none of my business but the vindictive manner that this guy has been so quickly drafted in to take my place with our kids is both very disrespectful and cruel. When I asked for answers she was quick to tell me he wasnt what she wanted after all and would finish it as she still loved me, then she was stated a couple of days later after I’d said I’d consider trying again that she was with him now and it was just tough if I didn’t like it. Now she is sending me suggestive photos and texts claiming to love me forever and that no one will ever take my place in her life. It really is horrible, I thought I’d left all this behind and after 2 years I feel back at square 1 – worhtless, humiliated and like a complete fool for believing her lies. Can’t sleep or eat at the moment and can’t get this desructive woman from my thoughts!!!!!

  4. My Husband dumped me two weeks ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don’t know what to do, so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help people to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 48hours that my husband will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my husband came knocking on my door begging for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you Priest Osaze, You are truly talented and gifted. Email: spirituallove@hotmail. com is the only answer. He can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man.Email him now if you need his help spirituallove@hotmail. com

  5. Hi , my gf has bipolar and she recently decided to have an abortion at 18 weeks … Now we have had disagreements about everyday life … But this time I really tried my best not to add fuel to the fire …. We were having a great night and were drinking …. She was amazing til about 3 … She snapped I saw she was passing out and I suggested we went to sleep … Then she really lost it and I kissed her and sed I’m not having this fight il see u when u come to bed … Well she kept goin and it got worse …. So I put earbuds in to avoid it and not giv in as I know she gets drunk and forgets …. Don’t egg me wrong Iv sed my share of nasty but not this time cuz it’s not worth it I love her and wanna get stronger ..she bashed the door helping at me and woke up her parents …then she kicked me out rang my phone 30x in an hr … Then deleted me off fb and also our rship status …. This girl is no slut , she is amazing … I know we both have fought before but I wanted to avoid such silly arguments …. I don’t really know how to feel is this normal in a bipolar girl aged 22 ? I love her and want to work if out but I just don’t understand what I did this time by avoiding the conflict ….


    • I feel a little better after reading this along with the comments. I broke up with my narcissist boyfriend of 6 years. We met at work, and it was like love at first sight. He lavished me with affection, he was an excellent lover and we were inseparable.

      Only a few months later he got in a fight with our boss and quit his job, which left me as the sole source of income. Even though I was paying all the bills, he insisted on being in control of everything and making all of the decisions. Then he started putting down my friends, behaving in a very rude way when they would come around. To make a long story short, he ended up isolating me, virtually cutting me off with anyone I might be close to, particularly my friends since my few relatives are scattered all over the country.

      He began to criticise me and complain nonstop, then the next day he would tell me how much he loved me, as if nothing had happened.

      He never bothered looking for a job after the one he lost because he claimed an old knee injury was hurting him. Yet he was always on his feet, constantly moving the furniture around in my house, digging in my stored stuff and was always moving my things around. When I’d ask him where something was, he’d become mean and sarcastic and tell me it was in plain sight (where!?). I learned not to question him, even when he would take money from my wallet without even asking.

      He lied nonstop, even when there was no reason to lie. Then I found out he was cheating on me and tried to gently approach him about it, but he exploded in a rage and told me never to bring that up again.

      A few weeks ago he got a large sum of money and got his own place. He also bought drugs with that money and became even more cruel. I told him I wanted out of this relationship because it was destroying me emotionally, physically and my self-esteem can’t be any worse at this point.

      The past few days he’s been in some kind of binge and I think he met a new girl at his new apartment. He came earlier to get the rest of his things, and he was in a very cheerful mood.

      So here I am 6 years later, flat broke from supporting the parasite for almost 6 years, I no longer have a social life as he made sure to destroy that, and I honestly don’t know what to do or where to go now.

      I had been wanting to get rid of him for some time now but he’d always come back. This time it’s over and done thank God.

      Back in March I had a terrible flu, I had a high fever and it developed into pneumonia. I was so sick and weak and could hardly get out of bed to shower. Yet he didn’t help me, all he did for that month was put me down, then talk about how wonderful he was and how stupid everyone else he knows is. Needless to say he has a hard time keeping friends because he is so self-centered and has no empathy.

      I don’t trust myself to ever date again. I am so leery of ending up with another demonic type of guy and this one almost killed me. It was like he sucked everything from me: my life force, my motivation, my sense of excitement and joy, and tens of thousands of dollars of my money. Now I have reason to believe some of that money was spent on drugs. He was always borrowing money from me always promising to pay me back, but never did.

      • Wow, your story is identical to mine. I don’t want to share it here but I’m trying to move on right now. The same thing – the money, the binge, all the girlfriends, wow…and now he’s being ‘truthful’ and telling me all the things he’s doing. I am getting help because I have a malfunction that I just can’t walk away. It’s how I feel anyway – thanks for posting your comments

  7. I don’t know if my ex was a narcissist or not. I went through hell throughout the entire relationship though. It got to a point where I believed I was the crazy one and that maybe I was the cause of all the problems. We have two kids together and one on the way. I attempted to leave him so many times within the past couple of months. He would not allow that though. If I tried to leave he would threaten to take the kids away from me, threaten to kill me, or threaten to hurt himself. I would break down and end up going back to him. Everything bad in his life was always my fault. I was also required to fix all of his problems and if I didn’t I would get yelled and screamed at and belittled. Then he would start contacting prostitutes and women on Craigslist. If I confronted him he would yell at me again and tell me that I was crazy and insecure and that if I didn’t see him physically with these women then I had no proof. I was also never allowed to become upset for anything he did. If i did he would turn the argument around and make me feel like I was wrong for getting upset. If he needed money or anything I had to be there. Nothing was ever about me or us, it was always about him. My life had to revolve around him completely. Then about a month ago he left me. He didn’t formall breakup with me though, he just stopped answering my phone calls and calling me. Right after I discovered he had found someone new. The person that refused to let me leave all of a sudden didn’t want anything to do with me. After that relationship ended he began calling and speaking to me again. Asking if he could move in with my and the kids until he got on his feet. Also, trying to get money out of me. He would always say nice things about how much he loved me when he needed something. Then I find out while he’s trying to get money out of me he’s dating someone else yet again. It was a complete slap in my face because while he’s trying to use me he’s with someone else. Then when I tell him I want nothing to do with him he calls my phone nonstop for two days straight. When I finally breakdown and answer he tells me he’s doing it because he’s upset that I won’t be taking him on vacation with me to the caribbean next month anymore. So after seven years it’s not the thought of losing me that scares him but the thought of not being able to use me. I stuck to my guns about not wanting to speak to him and I haven’t heard from him since. Most likely because he’s with the new girl. It is hard but I rather be alone and used and abused!

  8. Battered Woman -Smear Campaign

    I’ve been ROB’bed of my life!

    A decade of physical, sexual, emotional and financial abuse.

    The smear campaign of the recently arrested psychopathic wife beater is insane.

  9. a former victim

    John, the cliche of time healing all wounds is correct. You will survive. This typically takes 2-3 years for the physical pain to your heart to stop aching. Learn all you can from different sources about NPD. There is no hope for a normal relationship with these people. Sure, you had 7 months of intense bliss…had you married her, it would have destroyed you completely as a human being. You walked away without having kids with her, or anything else that would have tied you down to this person. You are lucky, my friend!!!! It will take a while to love and trust again, but just be more wise next time. If you see the signs, leave in a hurry!!! :) You’ll be ok, John. I’ve been through this horrendous heartache twice with the same narc. The article above is the best advice you could ever read to protect yourself from this woman. No contact or else she will string you along for years as did the narc in my life. I, unfortunately, was part of his girl collection. My antidote for the pain was to get busy. Be preoccupied with something. I turned to my faith, work and friends. One day you will see what I mean.

  10. John, one day you will be glad you faced this pain. It will make you stronger and wiser. Please learn all you can about NPD. It will help you understand just what the Hell happened. It is also therapeutic. Focus on getting your life back, pour all your energy on something other than this woman! The article above gives the best advice. Also, congratulations in not having children with this woman!!! You are a free man!!! You will love again, my friend! Just memorize all the signs of a toxic person and avoid them!!! You’re gonna be ok? John.

  11. John, from the comment section below. I would like to get in touch with you. I feel for you and I recognize your story. I definitely believes your ex is an NPD…

  12. recoveryto discovery

    Post divorce relationship was with a man with npd. With a family that enables him and is codependent to boot. First, I blocked all contact, from calls to texts to emails, including his family. Second, when he began calling my friends and family, I had them block as well. Third, the first time he showed up at my home, I called 911. When the restraining order was ‘accidentally’ violated at my friends home where I was at a bbq, I called 911 and had the restraining order enforced.
    I am still recovering from the relationship mentally, but I now understand that the ‘person’ I dated and cared about wasn’t real.
    Best technique to remind me to have no contact is to visualize him as a snake in a zoo cage with a sign that says “danger: venomous snake, do not feed”

  13. John Rencher, M.B.A

    I just broke up with mine, no contact is the best solution. If you talk to them they will get you back into their trap. I own my on business and I have a protection order on her after she cursed me out in front of customers three separate occasions. You also need to have all your friends close to you and carry on conversations with different women. Don’t play victim this is just an exercise to build your esteem back up. There are normal women out there and this will be good for you, but no dating at all just talk and move on. Discover you again, pick up the hobbies you stopped because narcs require so much attention if you had a hobby you quit it. Most narcs don’t have hobbies other than playing dress up starring into a mirror sex and lying. I plan to stay single for years, 5 years have been taken from me. I felt suicidal but my mental strength and faith in God got me through it all. I need to pick up the pieces move from the same city as her and flirt and have fun. While with my Narc I lost a house 2cars and nearly my mind. I lived in homeless shelters I lost a 150k a year managers position because of the frequent visits interrupting sales meeting being disrespectful to the general manager, all because she wants come and sit at my job which btw was not allowed. Again only what makes her happy. I am so glad to be free so glad my stress is down, I have energy again, if you have a narc run please run if not it really could end in premature death brought on by stress, or suicide.

  14. I have been in a tortuous relationship on and off with a narcissist. I noticed something wrong the first two weeks into the relationship and continued on by giving the benefit of the doubt…Big, big, mistake. He has cheated, lied, abused, promised, manipulated, and thought nothing of my needs, only his own. He was filled with grandiose words, charm, and I was sucked in like the romantic I was. I have dealt with multiple emotional outburst from him publicly and privately. He will hurt, hurt, and hurt more. He has no remorse and thinks nothing of anyone but himself. I am finally moving on after enduring terrible emotional and physical trauma for over 6 years. I thank god I never lived with this person. I thank god for protecting me during the 6 + yrs I stayed in the relationship! I am a Christian and believe in people and therefore gave this person way to many chances, and felt sorry for his disturbances. I really allowed myself to be emotionally beaten up by this person and also subjected my children to horrible situations. I felt like I was under this monsters thumb, spell, etc. I prayed and prayed and god truly helped me realize on several occasions this guy will not change, never cared about me and never loved me! Your posts hit home at 100% accuracy. I want to continue to read because I never want to go back again. Thanks

  1. Pingback: I Dated a Narcissist | The Kaleidoscope Inside

  2. Pingback: Relationship issues:What to expect after the break-up with the narcissist | expatlifeinkorea

  3. Pingback: One Year With a Narcissist | thecaptainslies


Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 12,400 other followers

%d bloggers like this: