What to expect after the break-up with the narcissist

by After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life & Love on Wednesday, May 23, 2012 at 9:06pm ·

Exploring your new-found freedom from the dysfunctional relationship can be filled with anticipation and excitement. Likewise, it can be filled with  frustration, confusion, cynicism, ,and you’ll feel like you’re back on an emotional roller coaster!  What you are experiencing is a different sort of emotional struggle, i.e., remaining  low self-esteem, poor physical health,  hatred, unsuccessful dating and dating fear, level of cynicism towards the opposite sex is most likely at an unhealthy levels, etc.  So the basis of this article is to guide you though the realities of what to expect from yourself and your abuser post dissolution.


In the beginning.. “THE X”


By now you understand that your former spouse/ significant other’s personality disorder is a life long condition and will typically get worse as they age.


If you were fortunate enough to escape without children involved, then the necessity to utilize coping skills will be very temporary, because you truly have nothing that binds or commits one another.


Exceptions would be joint ownership of assets in an LTR Vs a Marriage.  Comparatively speaking, where post-dissolutions of marriage between two healthy personalities can work through issues, the unhealthy, high conflict personalities post dissolution always tend to remain in never-ending drama.


This is due in part to the healthy personality not establishing solid boundaries from their former abuser. As there is usually a healthy personality involved in such dysfunctional former relationships, then it’s a matter of emotional discipline, emotional maturity, and learning coping skills.


As the former victim/abused, you must learn to be disciplined for the sake of your future happiness. One of the main reasons why one becomes a victim of abuse is a lack of discipline where it concerns relationship boundaries. A person may recognize some of the relationship dysfunction early on, however, tends to ignore the traits and characteristics of their mate.


In essence, they are ignoring the boundaries that should have served them in the first place. Giving these emotional predators any “benefit of doubt” or “forgiveness”  is like giving them the rope to hang their victims. They prey on individuals that are forgiving, emotionally sound, and are romantics. It’s like “shooting fish in a Barrel” to them.


We’ve established that a former high conflict relationship without children, or investments is rather basic, you simply go “no contact.” This is not to say that it will be a “cake walk” in the beginning, because it will still require discipline. Everything still applies so pay close attention to detail.


Here is the scary part, it doesn’t matter if the relationship was for months or years, your abuser believes they will always “own” you, that they will always have control over you, till death do you part! Their arrogance precedes them and believe all that they considered close to them during their lifetime can still be manipulated despite time.


All the perceptions and attitudes when one is in the abusive relationship MUST CHANGE in order to detach from the abuser. In other words, what you thought and believed then most likely has been weakened therefore, you will have to develop new and stronger patterns of thinking in order to successfully detach.


So many times after such a relationship is over, we tend to open our “emotional door” once more and the madness begins once again. This enables your abuser rather than disarming them.  The intent may have been good, and they may have given you a convincing or plausible story unrelated to the relationship in order to communicate with you.


Giving the abuser a one inch crack in that emotional door is most certainly a mistake for they will take any opening that allows them to hurt you. Remember this too, successfully detaching will not  eliminate their behavior,because their dysfunctional traits and characteristics are virtually cast in stone.


They will not change. So the importance of being disciplined in forming new perceptions, and attitudes towards the former abuser will serve in protecting all that is meaningful in your life. Sticking to your guns will initially piss off your abuser, so expect some new craziness to happen.


Believe me, they will be digging deep into their “Bag of Tricks” to overcome their perceived perpetrator. Keep this in mind, they are capable of unimaginable and egregious behavior because your initiative of no contact has upset the very core of their being. Their nastiness can range from simple verbal attacks to being downright destructive. Do not underestimate them and be prepared for anything despite how well you think you may know them.


What the complete detachment and no contact process will create is and  ”out of sight, out of mind” condition whereby pattens of behavior will change if appropriate measures of action are solid on behalf of the healthy personality involved. Otherwise, it can continue to be a “hell on earth.” Yes, it is up to you, because you must remember, they will never change!


If you were in a relationship with an NPD, most likely they will move on much more quickly than a BPD. NPD’s are more hurtful and damaging during a relationship Vs the BPD, however, the BPD tends to continue their madness after the fact.  BPD’s, Histrionic’s, Bipolar’s, have a variation in presence of conscience and emotion, therefore they struggle between reality and their perceived world. Whereas, the NPD has no presence of conscience, hence their ability to move on and seek a new victim or supply.


In summary, expect some continued craziness in the beginning of a break up, given time though, it will subside to a more manageable  level.  Do not engage or provoke your former abuser in any way, you are now in control, not them. Truth and reality are your abuser’s enemies because it sends their egocentric core reeling out of control, so stick to less emotional situations and resolves.


This is one of the most important aspects of your abuser that you must remind yourself of each time they speak, “they are masters of manipulation for the sake of self, not you, and not the children.”


Be disciplined in mind and heart to understand, your former abuser cares about no one but themselves. Remember too, just when you think you’ve got them figured out, they throw a little deception, manipulation, a lie or two, and you are now pissed off!


Amazing how easy they get you right where they want you!  Do not allow them to engage you this way, you are the better person, shame on them for doing this to you, and next time you will be a little smarter, right!  Life is too short to allow others drama and dysfunction to affect those they don’t deserve to be with in the first place. Always put your “thinking cap” on and make sound judgments when communication with your former abuser is necessary.

  1. It feels like I’m going crazy! He spent 2 weeks making plans .. talking/texting. Even on the 4 th of July while out of town with his ‘daughter’! Then on the 6th he says he met someone and is going to do everything in his power to make it work. In 4 weeks he calls.. it didn’t work out. Now he wants to try us agin with his whole heart. Invites me over the next day. That am he text and says I’m not the one .. just FYI!! In case I don’t want to come over. So he dumps me 5 hours after the get back together .. and somehow it’s my fault!!


  2. Hello, my relationship ended 2 weeks ago with my x boy friend who was a narcissistic abuser. I am a 34 year old woman, and since I’ve been 17 I have had a pattern of ending up with narcissistic men (one of them who commited suicide in my presence). This most recent relationship I had ended horribly. In recent past months I tried to get the courage to leave on several occasions (even packing all of my things up several times) but he would always “hoover” and it worked. Before I met my boyfriend I had always been very athletic and lived an extremely healthy lifestyle. My x drank everyday, smoked weed everyday, and was a chain smoker (cigs). Slowly he started pressuring me to drink (even though deep down I did not want to because it killed me knowing what alcohol does to your body), but I am VERY codependent and just to please him I started to drink, even daily. I started to smoke weed with him daily, even though I hated it. I was so, so, so sad and depressed. He started to put me down slowly, wanted to watch porn all the time, wanted us to go to strip clubs, and proposed threesomes. I pretended that I was ok with all of this, I know very stupid, but I am very, very co dependent. I was so hurt and depressed and felt like there was so way out. I knew that I would NEVER be happy living a life that was so far from my authentic life I had lived before. I am an esthetician and a pre nursing student, and when I told my x that I was all signed up for my next biology class, he became ENRAGED. He gave me the silent treatment, it was awful. In the beginning when he met me, he knew full well that I would be a student for a long time, because it was part of my 5 year plan. After the 6 month mark, he began to control me more. He told me he no longer wanted me to go to school. I told him I had applied for a new job, and he gave me so much shit. He flat out told me he would never marry me (something I want because I have never been married)…I eventually told him that I could accept that fact, but that he had to let me go to school and work (to support myself and set myself up for retirement). He proposed, I will give you 1,500 every month to pay your small bills. He lied and started to give me 1,000. Well I took that for a few montes and then realized it was a trap and a dead end. I told him I wanted to work for myself (how could I trust him). He told me that if I stayed with him until he died, he would “take care of my future”. He had a lot of money and was a farmer, but we fought all the time, so I knew that I could not waste time on my own future, while praying that he took care of me at the end. I am an attractive woman and would get hit on a lot in front of him. He would go crazy…..it was awful. The night we broke up was terrible. I have never ever been a girl that resorts to violence, but the night we broke up we at his bosses wedding in New Port, and it got violent. He kept insisting I have drink after drink….I am dumb for drinking. At the end of the night he ended up calling me a “hoar”, he had called me that so many times, and this time was the last. I was enraged, I could not help it. I attacked him physically and verbally. It was over, he left me in Newport with no ride home, (and we lived 5 hours away). I had to call my mom at 4 in the morning to pick me up. He had all my credit cards so I could not even rent a hotel room. I had to wait in a hotel lobby for 6 hours while my mom came to get me. I let him know that I was going to expose him to his step mom. I texted her and came clean. She said that he had done this to the last girlfriend (who was also nice, beautiful, and co dependent like me). My ex told me to get my things a.s.a.p. and move out. I had my mom and daughter come with me the next day and we moved all my things out. He said he never wants to see or talk to me again. I don’t think he will hoover any more. I am sick but I still miss him, it is so fresh that I am still trying to process it all. The more I read about it, the more all of these things are making sense. It is a hard concept to grasp that a human being is incapable of loving…..just so scary to me, but that is indeed how he was. He is probably on dating sites right now preying upon his next victim. I know I need to stop thinking about him so much and move on with my life. Luckily I am moving to another state….if I still lived around him, it would be much harder. I don’t want to be single, but I think I need to be to work on my co-dependency.


    • It always amazes me how similar these men are you could have been dating my ex and at one point I thought you were. I got out because I left the country and even then it was hard.

      Only through support groups like this online and counseling in my life was I able to face my own codependency. You can learn to live with it in healthy ways with help. You may never conquer it. It will learn to stand up for yourself sooner and recognize them and not fall for them.

      Thanks for sharing your story god bless you and give you great strength and confidence.


  3. My husband dropped a bomb on me on a Saturday. The weekend before he came to my family reunion and pretended everything was fine. He kissed me and told me he loved me every night before bed.. then one day, told me I’ve been having a PI follow me and I’ve been cheating. I NEVER cheated so there is no possible way this proof exists. I had to move out of my house with that one sentence and his only response was “I’ll never believe that you didn’t cheat”. This is the second time he did this to me and I was dumb enough to take him back bc he seemed so sincere. He called my entire family after he told me to leave and told them a bunch of BS lies. I know he will be filing papers and I can’t really grasp this. I never knew at ALL it was this bad. I’m hurt and confused but more angry I think. Please if anyone has any suggestions please reach out to me


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