What to expect after the break-up with the narcissist

by After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life & Love on Wednesday, May 23, 2012 at 9:06pm ·

Exploring your new-found freedom from the dysfunctional relationship can be filled with anticipation and excitement. Likewise, it can be filled with  frustration, confusion, cynicism, ,and you’ll feel like you’re back on an emotional roller coaster!  What you are experiencing is a different sort of emotional struggle, i.e., remaining  low self-esteem, poor physical health,  hatred, unsuccessful dating and dating fear, level of cynicism towards the opposite sex is most likely at an unhealthy levels, etc.  So the basis of this article is to guide you though the realities of what to expect from yourself and your abuser post dissolution.


In the beginning.. “THE X”


By now you understand that your former spouse/ significant other’s personality disorder is a life long condition and will typically get worse as they age.


If you were fortunate enough to escape without children involved, then the necessity to utilize coping skills will be very temporary, because you truly have nothing that binds or commits one another.


Exceptions would be joint ownership of assets in an LTR Vs a Marriage.  Comparatively speaking, where post-dissolutions of marriage between two healthy personalities can work through issues, the unhealthy, high conflict personalities post dissolution always tend to remain in never-ending drama.


This is due in part to the healthy personality not establishing solid boundaries from their former abuser. As there is usually a healthy personality involved in such dysfunctional former relationships, then it’s a matter of emotional discipline, emotional maturity, and learning coping skills.


As the former victim/abused, you must learn to be disciplined for the sake of your future happiness. One of the main reasons why one becomes a victim of abuse is a lack of discipline where it concerns relationship boundaries. A person may recognize some of the relationship dysfunction early on, however, tends to ignore the traits and characteristics of their mate.


In essence, they are ignoring the boundaries that should have served them in the first place. Giving these emotional predators any “benefit of doubt” or “forgiveness”  is like giving them the rope to hang their victims. They prey on individuals that are forgiving, emotionally sound, and are romantics. It’s like “shooting fish in a Barrel” to them.


We’ve established that a former high conflict relationship without children, or investments is rather basic, you simply go “no contact.” This is not to say that it will be a “cake walk” in the beginning, because it will still require discipline. Everything still applies so pay close attention to detail.


Here is the scary part, it doesn’t matter if the relationship was for months or years, your abuser believes they will always “own” you, that they will always have control over you, till death do you part! Their arrogance precedes them and believe all that they considered close to them during their lifetime can still be manipulated despite time.


All the perceptions and attitudes when one is in the abusive relationship MUST CHANGE in order to detach from the abuser. In other words, what you thought and believed then most likely has been weakened therefore, you will have to develop new and stronger patterns of thinking in order to successfully detach.


So many times after such a relationship is over, we tend to open our “emotional door” once more and the madness begins once again. This enables your abuser rather than disarming them.  The intent may have been good, and they may have given you a convincing or plausible story unrelated to the relationship in order to communicate with you.


Giving the abuser a one inch crack in that emotional door is most certainly a mistake for they will take any opening that allows them to hurt you. Remember this too, successfully detaching will not  eliminate their behavior,because their dysfunctional traits and characteristics are virtually cast in stone.


They will not change. So the importance of being disciplined in forming new perceptions, and attitudes towards the former abuser will serve in protecting all that is meaningful in your life. Sticking to your guns will initially piss off your abuser, so expect some new craziness to happen.


Believe me, they will be digging deep into their “Bag of Tricks” to overcome their perceived perpetrator. Keep this in mind, they are capable of unimaginable and egregious behavior because your initiative of no contact has upset the very core of their being. Their nastiness can range from simple verbal attacks to being downright destructive. Do not underestimate them and be prepared for anything despite how well you think you may know them.


What the complete detachment and no contact process will create is and  ”out of sight, out of mind” condition whereby pattens of behavior will change if appropriate measures of action are solid on behalf of the healthy personality involved. Otherwise, it can continue to be a “hell on earth.” Yes, it is up to you, because you must remember, they will never change!


If you were in a relationship with an NPD, most likely they will move on much more quickly than a BPD. NPD’s are more hurtful and damaging during a relationship Vs the BPD, however, the BPD tends to continue their madness after the fact.  BPD’s, Histrionic’s, Bipolar’s, have a variation in presence of conscience and emotion, therefore they struggle between reality and their perceived world. Whereas, the NPD has no presence of conscience, hence their ability to move on and seek a new victim or supply.


In summary, expect some continued craziness in the beginning of a break up, given time though, it will subside to a more manageable  level.  Do not engage or provoke your former abuser in any way, you are now in control, not them. Truth and reality are your abuser’s enemies because it sends their egocentric core reeling out of control, so stick to less emotional situations and resolves.


This is one of the most important aspects of your abuser that you must remind yourself of each time they speak, “they are masters of manipulation for the sake of self, not you, and not the children.”


Be disciplined in mind and heart to understand, your former abuser cares about no one but themselves. Remember too, just when you think you’ve got them figured out, they throw a little deception, manipulation, a lie or two, and you are now pissed off!


Amazing how easy they get you right where they want you!  Do not allow them to engage you this way, you are the better person, shame on them for doing this to you, and next time you will be a little smarter, right!  Life is too short to allow others drama and dysfunction to affect those they don’t deserve to be with in the first place. Always put your “thinking cap” on and make sound judgments when communication with your former abuser is necessary.

  1. I cant believe how spot on this was. Everything makes so much sense. I just recently ended a relationship with what I now know, was a narcissist. Thank god I listened to my gut and ended it only a little more than a month in…a lot happened, and it was the first time that I wasn’t fully naive and actually listened to my brain. After it all, I definitely feel the need to vent so here it goes:
    This is a guy I knew in high school. I was dating my then boyfriend, and they were acquaintances. Fast forward 4 years, I am now single. I received a friend request from him on Facebook and that is how it all started.
    My first red flag popped up when he proclaimed he made all this money, how he’s a CEO, entrepreneur. (He worked at Verizon and lived with his parents still.). He always said he loved money, numbers were his best friend, he hated spending on anyone but himself…and he was a self proclaimed selfish asshole. If didn’t reply back to him fast enough…I would get tons of “fuck you” texts. He NEVER complimented me…ever. He would constantly call me a piece of shit, a fucking bitch, dumb bitch, immature little girl… but of course he was just “joking” and when I became visibly bothered, I was “too sensitive.” We would take turns paying for dinner and whenever it was my turn to pay he would pick somewhere expensive and order all kinds of things.. Alcohol, appetizers, $3 sides. When he paid, it was cheap…once I ordered a side at Applebees that was extra ($1.29) and in front of the waitress he said “I hope you enjoyed your fucking sweet potato”. UNREAL. He broke up with me once, out of nowhere… just to see how I’d react. I was upset but when I didnt give him the overly sad reaction he wanted, he got angry. Now, I knew something was wrong but everytime I had a concern internally, he would make me feel like the most important person on this planet. The affection, the sweet talk. He definitely played on my emotions and I would forget about it until it would happen again. It was an odd cycle.
    One night we went to walmart and as we were pulling into a parking space, there was a cart in the way. With the windows down, he yells at me “BITCH, MOVE THE FUCKING CART!!” I looked at him in disgust, completely taken back by the fact that he would talk to me like that. He then says “baby, please get the cart. You know I was kidding. I love you.” Wtf?
    I brought all of this up to him and he turned it all on me before “promising to change”. It never happened. He told me that he only talked down to me like that because he wanted me to be tough, to see how much I could handle and he didnt want me to be a doormat to other people, just for him..it was “for my own good”. He wanted a strong woman. He also said that since he knew I was the victim in my last relationship, he figured I had gotten strong and that is why he felt we would be a good fit when he started talking to me. (I now know, he probably thought that since I was the victim in the past, he was hoping that I still was. So weird that he said that…true definition of a predator). I explained that I just wanted basic respect and he told me that I just want a nice guy that brings me flowers and cards but they don’t exist…that those kind of guys will leave me, cheat on me, or abuse me in the end anyway. He told me that I will never be happy because what im looking for is not obtainable. (There was no reasoning with him on this argument).
    I explained to him that I am not a weak woman, I do not tolerate that kind of behavior …and that he was a predator that thrived on the weak. He said, “you arent weak..you don’t tolerate it…but you put up with me for a month, what does that say about you huh? Weak.” I tried to end it but every time I went to get in my car he’d pull me back and say “baby, you know I love you. I’ll change, i’ll do anything for you.” I believed it because I am an empath, and the cycle of abuse, detachment, affection, “love”…kept my brain and my heart on a constant tug of war. It was exhausting but intoxicating at the same time. If I didn’t answer my phone, I was a childish little girl that played too many games. If I didnt let him sleep over because it was too soon and I had family over, I wasn’t woman enough. If I was too busy and had plans, I was a stupid bitch. The list goes on. I felt like he needed help, that if I cared enough and showed him what it felt to be truly cared for that he wouldn’t be like that, that it was all a front he was putting on. I felt bad for him. But I realized that was the empath part of me…the “fixer/healer” – and this something beyond fixing. I couldn’t shake the feeling in my gut that something was terribly wrong (aside from the obvious), and none of my previous attempts to end it in person or on the phone were successful because he always knew how to reel me back in. So I sent him a long text message, ending it…and blocked his number so I wouldn’t have to see the slew of hurtful angry texts he was about to send me. It was the only way. I am sad, because it was not all bad….he was not a monster, per se. I still feel as if he could have changed, but I did not want to sacrifice my self esteem, confidence, and emotional well being that I worked so hard to rebuild just to stick around and find out. Thank goodness I got out when I did, who knows what my life would look like even 6 months in if that was just the first month and a half!


  2. This was a really good post. I have been going through so much emotion. I have recently been doing research on my live in boyfriend and realized that he is a Narcissist. Full BLOWN. I LOVE HIM. I can’t see my life without him. He’s my best friend and just his mere presence makes me happy. He is like my safety blanket and others say he’s my drug of choice. I don’t want to leave him. I can’t envision my life without him, BUT he hurts me emotionally. He puts me down and calls me names in our arguments. I simply have been telling him that I want his attention and that I want to feel important in his life. I feel that in a normal relationship, we would be able to tell each other what we do and throughout the day call to see how each other is doing. In my mind, in only takes a few minutes, if that, to say I Love you and hey Babe I was thinking about you. He makes himself out to be so important and that everything and everyone else is far more important than me. I expressed my feelings several times. It got to the point where he was now working 2 jobs and I would spend less and less time with him. He also starting hanging out with friends after the second job and even spend all night out supposedly going to the Casino. I couldn’t take it any more and I exploded. I felt hurt and we got into several arguments. Some lasted hours in the middle of the night or early morning. He lives with me, and doesn’t really pay bills. I pay for everything. He has helped out here and there but hasn’t put in his fare share. I have always found myself helping him out and he always makes me feel like I haven’t done anything for him. He spends his money on expensive and lavish things and doesn’t put money in for living expenses. Recently, after telling him that my home is not a hotel for him, we really got into it and he said so many hurtful things to me. He didn’t care that I cried. He gave me this look like thank God, now go to sleep. He doesn’t care about me. He then gave me the silent treatment for over a week and told me that this is what I wanted. In our arguments I would constantly tell him, what are you doing here? If you don’t love me then just leave. “Why don’t you just leave??? If you can’t love me the way I deserve to be loved then why are you with me? Just GO!” This happened a lot and this last time he said he finally had it and ever since then he’s been giving me the silent treatment, and of course still no attention. He even went to the extreme and didn’t come home for a whole day giving me the excuse that he was checking a place to move to. I said to him, “Why are you behaving like this? All that I have done for you and it is so easy for you to just leave?” It’s not like I was asking for so much. I just wanted to feel special and important to him, remember, to me he was my everything. I would work, clean the house, cook and give him all the power. Until I went online and researched what a Narcissist was and found out that the emotional imbalance I am going through is Narcissist Abuse. I’m having a hard time and feel like I’m not going to make it. I’m scared and think no one is going to love me anymore. I felt alone with him and feel even more alone without him. I keep giving myself excuses and faulting myself that perhaps I just should have kept quiet. I just want to thank the people who commented on here and those who write articles like this as it keeps me hopeful. I now know that I am not the only one who is going through this and that I should have faith and believe that I can move forward. It is hard and sometimes I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest. Pray for me. Thank you.


    • I can completely relate to everything you said. Mine was a jobless wonder the first 10 mos in, yet acted liked he just got off a big tour with a band. The tour ended way before me. He was deceptive about his age, 39 yet really 47 and only admitted it when his best friend slipped at a party. He love bombed me immediately, and well I slept with him way to soon so he secured his place in my life. Soon after the physical and verbal abuse started all while my Dad lay dying in a hospital. He would call me names, restrain me, throw things and ended up biting me is the face even. I went the no contact route and blocked him from every form of media, yet you can’t block someone from sending a manipulative letter feigning their sorrow that we were over. Never once in the letter was there an acknowledgment of the physical abuse, just about his sadness. I took the bait and signed up for mos of continued torment , public humiliation and abuse. This brings me to present day where I actually went on his social media (not a Facebook etc person) and realized I hardly exist. I’m maybe posted in 2 pics out of the past year and he appears so sad and lonely. I have allowed myself to be financially dominated and abused for the past year and I’m saying NO MORE. I have an appointment with a professional on Friday bc I want this vampire out of my life forever. I’d be willing to talk about this w/other victims. Maybe there are groups in area or online.


    • Same situation . I had a boy friend For 4 Yests very abusive emotional and physically. He would get upset for a little water in the sink. He never held a job. I paid all the bills . I bought food everything . I work ed 40 hours a week and the weekend would come he would have plans already made of what he wanted to do . Many times to meet up with his friends and not go places I wanted to go. He had me take his friends around to buy a bike 2 -3 hours driving to Orlando daytona Jacksonville . just to get a bike for his friend . No gas money was given to me. . He had punched holes in the wall broken my windshield of my c car and hit my face numerous time . The last time was real bad just before thanksgiving. He said something disrespectful from a song to me and I told him that was disrespectful and not to talk to me like that in a nice manner . He got in rage. He slap me on the face 2 times . And escalated between us to the garage . When we got to the garage he ask for the garage opener and I told him didn’t have it and he’s like I threw it to you over the car back of his windshield. I said no you didn’t throw that to me . I said I sear I don’t have this garage opener . I told him you are lying you did not give it to me . He said call me a liar again and started chasing me around his car in the garage . When he got a hold of me threw me down on the ground and I was so out of it disoriented I guess he meant he wanted the key fob sensor . I had that in my hand . So just then when he threw me on the ground I got. My leg up for defense and kicked him in his but cheek and then he turned around and punched me in the the face on my eye. My eye was split open bleeding everywhere. He got and his car left .. there is more to the story the point being I did so much for this guy and he never said sorry . Narcissistic behavior


  3. Laura Dawn Marquess

    I’m 45, and I’ve known my 44 yr. old BF since I was 17. Over the years, we had other relationships, marriages, etc. until 2013 when we reconnected after losing touch for 8 years. The times we dated before that, it was never serious. We really liked being together, but it was never the right time. Feb. 2012, he found me on Facebook. We met up, and were instantly in love and started a relationship. 2 months later, the first of numerous times, he broke up with me for no solid reason. I had always had a huge crush on him, I was heartbroken. Weeks after, he was calling, texting, dangling a carrot every time I let him back in my bed and my life. We were spending lots of time together, and I was falling deeper and deeper. This time he broke up with me cause he didn’t want to be tied down. 1 month later, I found out that he moved his new girlfriend in with him. I was pissed! I demanded him to lose my number. What happened next? He’s snooping around my door again when it didn’t work out with her. I let him in again. We became so close, that we were in constant contact for the next 3 years, but never committed. It was always me wanting more from him. He was so charming and funny and kind and everything I wanted in a man. In 2016, I moved 8 hours away to be closer to my family and to ultimately get away from him. On good terms of course, but I couldn’t take the heartbreak anymore. Immediately after I moved away, he acted like he couldn’t stand me being so far away. He proposed, and got me to move back. We started our lives together in Jan, 2017 in a living situation that put our relationship to the test. Now, 1 year later, I discovered him to be a narcissistic psychopath. He is emotionally abusive, controlling and calls me names. I’ve come to learn that he’s been Gas-lighting me into believing everything is my fault, and that my recollection of events are wrong. He’s choked me, threatened to hit me, threatened to run my car off the road if I left him. He’s also been “Moving the Goal Posts.” This means that, whatever I think the right answer is, he changes so that I’m set up for failure. I’m always trying to please him and seek his approval which has turned me into a starving codependent. That’s not all he’s doing… “Triangulation.” This means that he’s attempting to Gas-light a third party which is his best friend and neighbor, a guy he holds on a pedestal with the utmost respect. That guy doesn’t like me and believes I’m crazy because he is trusting what my BF is telling him. I’m a kind, forgiving person. My man has turned my life upside down. This is NOT the man I thought I knew. He needed me to move back to regain control over me, (NOT BECAUSE HE LOVED ME.) I was blinded and brainwashed to this behavior over the last 4 years! Tonight, I left his place at 3:30am after a fight involving him charging at me with his fist raised. Now I sit here, sharing my story. “No Contact” seems to be the only solution in escaping. The worst part of all this, is that I’m losing the guy that was the love of my life, my best friend, and knowing that he never even existed. The past 20+ years have been a lie. Time to create an escape plan, then “No Contact.”
    – LM


  4. Hi all, I am a male, and totally fell in love with my narcissistic ex. My scenario is slightly different.

    I was seeing this woman from Manchester, originally from Sheffield. Our relationship was perfect (or so I was thought to believe), we started off all fine and great. I supported her in all of her bad times, gave her confidence, inspired her to do well, gave her every atom of my heart.

    Months went by, still all perfect. Though through the relationship little seeds were being in-directly implanted psychologically to my sub-conscious without realising. The relationship lasted for just under 12months. We went on holiday to Tenerife Jan 2017; the one thing I asked my ex was “stay by my side if I need your support, she promised me the holiday was just going to be for me and her, all we had to do was say thank you to her parents for the accommodation. The holiday was for 10 days. The first day we said thank you and had a meal and drink with her parents, so you presume the rest of the holiday would be just me and my ex enjoying the time out of the UK and to be together without anyone butting in. That did not happen.

    I ended up after 3days being left in an apartment all by myself, got lost in the complex for hours as it was massive, and she never even bothered to come look for me, that’s the hurtful part. At the time I was a bit anxious, and she played on that, she knew I needed her support. She promised me once again that she would always support me, just like I would for her (I always kept my promises).

    Cut this all short; I asked her to marry me in the most romantic place of all down in a nice little converted barn in Wales (called the Stable) , she accepted and I thought this is the woman whom I want to spend the rest of my life with. I was emotional on that day, she is the first woman I ever asked to marry, I don’t make decisions unless I know they are full proof.

    So…This is where the narcissistic ex comes in “again”. Every time she knew I was at my happiest point, she would pull the rug from underneath me (not literally) and make sure I felt hurt and down to make me apologise, or do something nice for her. I never did anything wrong during the relationship apart from one time; we both got invited to a wedding, so I had never been to one before so I said yes. I knew nobody at the wedding, not one person apart from her mum and dad. I asked once again, to stand by me if I become anxious, or just wanted my girlfriend to be with me for a while until I mingled in a bit. Anyway…she went off and did her own thing, I felt like I was unwanted, or in another sense felt as though she didn’t even realise I had even come with her to the wedding. I felt like a black sheep.

    Back to the holiday; on the way back she told me on the plane, “I have a Hen Re-union to go to on the Thursday”, I said “no problem, you go enjoy yourself” Yes I know…..Has anyone on this planet ever heard of a Hen Re-union??? Probably not. At this point I had a feeling something was going to happen. She went over to Yorkshire, then the following day she phoned me up and said “my name” in a strange tone. I instantly said “I know what you’re going to say” she said sorry I need to come pick my things up straight away. I told her to come the following day. I seriously could not get to grips why she wanted to end things, the only thing that popped into my mind is she went over to Sheffield to see another bloke with a poor excuse and the guilt had got to her so much she could not return.

    Anyway…month or two passed and then she phones, emails, texts me to meet her. Straight away I agreed because I love the ass off her and solely devoted to her. So we met up in a hotel for a couple of nights, all was perfect, had a great time together, laughing etc. I was full of questions that never got completely answered, only in a roundabout way. Now she also believes what others tell her as she has a pretentious sister and friend. I did not fit the pretentiousness of these dreamers.
    I could go on and on…..but basically she thrived off me being very happy, to sole destroying, I gave up nearly every aspect of my life which took years to build so we could start a new life elsewhere…..worse thing I ever did.
    A narcissistic person works in a very devious, cunningly planned, looks at outcomes from there moves to make their attack precise (at a mental level) They do not like you to be happy for too long as the control they have weakens, so they strengthen it back up by making you feel you need their support, when really you don’t, they have just laid that many seeds in your mind over a period of time at some points you can’t think logically. Then this is the hardest part I found and still do to this day…and I pray it goes away, but I’m dubious. Hardest part is when you battling between your heart and logical side of your mind…….its one hell of a battle; your head says get the f**k away from them, and your heart says no matter how bad they are you can only see the good in them, and can’t stop loving them.

    I still love her now, hate her ways, gladly I live in another town as if she stayed in the same town I would probably take her back because my heart keeps wins all the time.

    Anyway…when it comes to a narcissistic person, do NOT let your heart take over, just listen to your mind when you can’t take it anymore…as much as your heart is saying “have her/him back, it will work out” Just run, and as your running, your winning your life back. There are billions of people also on this planet, so that one person is not the be all end all. Though in your mind you probably think that, just as I do writing this right now. I still love and hate her, but my life comes first and I’m not a toy she can play with. Suppose it’s like a cat playing with a mouse, they don’t kill it straight away, they play with the mouse until it’s so exhausted it keels over. Then the cat goes and finds another mouse to play with as the first one keeled over or didn’t have enough oomph to feed their narcissism.

    I pray to god, I hope the next person I am with is not narcissistic, the turmoil, destruction, false hope, false dreams, lies, I’m not going through it again. Makes you want to put up a brick wall on your emotions so they can’t be battled with again. Which is not good as everyone deserves happiness? Yes.

    Ironically, I still love her and I would do anything for her, if she needed me right now I would be there for her….I hope the feeling fades, but it’s taking its time with me 

    I do think in my mind this; What if two narcissistic people formed a relationship? Male and female. I wouldn’t like to know the outcome of that.

    I hope I find a person who sticks to their words, promises, and are genuine, trusting, loyal, and honest. Makes me wonder if these type of people exist anymore or is everyone out for themselves these days. All ive ever wanted is a peaceful and happy life, thought I had it and hey; the rug once again disappeared because I was in a happy place, so I thought.


    • Ohh at the wedding, i ended up getting drunk with one of her relatives as he kept buying me shorts/spirits all evening so instead of me making a fool of myself i stayed outside and waited till the end of the wedding.

      The only hing she could ever throw at me in all the months was me being drunk at the after wedding party, i mean what else does everyone do?? You have a laugh. This is the only thing she could keep throwing at me, she couldn’t think of anything else, as i didnt do anything else wrong.

      Anyway, ive a brilliant brain and she could never take that away from me, only now am i rebuilding what i gave up for her. Now i am fully determined to get where i was just over a year ago, and even more so, when i reach my goal and wont take long, i will be the one smiling.

      Chin up people and try to avoid the narcissistic people out there, go by your first instinct..I have to say before i started to see this woman i noticed something strange about her eyes……they had some major dark rings around them, which was a slight put off, but i go for personality not looks, so i let that not bother me. Maybe that was a small warning that i ignored.


  5. In good relationships you have ups and downs but if your gut feeling is that something is wrong, believe it. Your heart will be committed and lie for them,your head will reason away your doubts and believe their lies. Your gut feeling is the truth. Would someone who loved you truly make you so unhappy knowing that they are hurting you? You are much stronger than you think. Don’t give them second chances to hurt you again. It is your kindness and forgiveness that makes you their choice as they know they can hurt you and you will take it again and again. Get out and fix yourself, you can do it. Do you really want more of the same? Why would you want to love someone whe treats you like sh… to continue to do so? Straighten that spine, drop those anxious shoulders, ask for God’s help. Stop walking on eggshells. You will get it but never how you expect it. Get out of there and don’t go back. You will have learned a hard lesson but be aware, you are the best thing that ever happened to them until they find the next kind, forgiving victim because they have drained the best from you. Fondest regards to fellow victims, we will free ourselves because we are wonderful!
    PS. Just found that my ex abuser has Parkinson’s Disease. God works in mysterious ways his wonders to perform. Sad but hurray, everything that he used to control me with, strength, intimidation, verbal abuse and cruelty will be lost to him plus me.I expect he will be trying to get in contact. It would be cruel to tell him what goes around comes around. I shall maintain non contact.Be strong girls.


  6. I was in a relationship for 6 months at the start it was so wonderfull he would txt me everyday make me feel like I had found thean after all my years waiting he would drive down to see me but then so many months in he would start to distance himself if he did I would pull him on it and he say that I am not meeting his needs he would trow emotion abuse calling me names he even starting txting exs behind my back and said I never ment anything by it he never apologized for doin it through out the relationship I failed to trust him after that and accused him of cheating again and again he said he loved me but yet we hadnt seen or met up wit one another and when it ended he came back to weeks later saying hi I txted him back and he didnt reply days pasted and he said ring me I did thinking we were getting nack together he told me no we were together but u wouldnt stop balming me from there I told him leave and never text me again that was laat tuesday im starting to feel I was dealing with a narcisssist I no he has new supply because he told me he is seeing someone I hope he doesnt return ever




  8. My ex literally went from “I love you , I miss you”, to two days later leaving me about 20 messages stating “get the fuck out” because I didn’t call him back in 10 minutes.
    So I left … and 3 weeks later … NO call or anything as if I never existed.
    This extreme behavior in such a short time is so bizarre!


  9. Great post! I recently shared my own dating experience with a woman who has NPD. I was conflicted about even writing it, but I hid her identity out of respect, and have also blocked her on every possible method of contacting me. Hopefully sharing these stories and details will prevent other victims from going through this stuff https://danesterly.wordpress.com/2017/09/02/my-ex-perience-with-npd-a-real-case-study/


  10. I liked this article. Found it helpful when it mentioned being firm in your choice. I just broke up with my abusive boyfriend who happens to be a Sheriff. We were together for one year. He had the typical NP signs and as well was verbally abusive and used fear as a way to “put me in my place”. I am currently really struggling with the pain and having issues moving forward. But I love that this article talks about being in control once you cut it off. That’s my final choice and I’m sticking with it.


  11. All of the introduction to this article is so very very true…I’m three years out of a seven year nightmare where I lost myself and more importantly my family because of the damage this man did to me.
    Within 18 months of us breaking up he had established himself in a new relationship and was a father again.
    This is a man in his mid 50’s!
    I now know that he is tiring of this relationship but is torn because of his baby… ( he was a good dad to his other adult children although they were dependant on him of course🙄)….
    I’m now three years clear and in a relationship with a lovely, caring man… who would rather hurt himself than me!
    What I’m saying is that I have gone through all these emotions… the hurt… the being betrayed non stop, the lies, the cheating, the selfishness, the silent treatment so he could go off and be entertained elsewhere…
    Now I feel nothing but pity… I round have lived him till the end of time if he’d really been the person I thought he was when we first met… but of course he wasn’t.
    I promise you that you can get through this…it’s difficult and painful and it takes a long time… but you can and will recover… I thought I never would…
    Now I see him for the weak nasty being that he is… I feel for the woman ge is now tiring of…. she will have to have years of contact because of the baby…
    I cannot describe my pain when I found out the real him… the terrible appalling abuse I took… I tried to kill myself… now I look at my silver scars and see them as a reminder that I once new a predator! They are my victory scars!
    Life is good again… please please persist with your no contact… it does get easier… and the pain fades…
    wishing you all success… I was where you are now…. but not anymore…I’m a stronger person for it all too


  12. It feels like I’m going crazy! He spent 2 weeks making plans .. talking/texting. Even on the 4 th of July while out of town with his ‘daughter’! Then on the 6th he says he met someone and is going to do everything in his power to make it work. In 4 weeks he calls.. it didn’t work out. Now he wants to try us agin with his whole heart. Invites me over the next day. That am he text and says I’m not the one .. just FYI!! In case I don’t want to come over. So he dumps me 5 hours after the get back together .. and somehow it’s my fault!!


  13. Hello, my relationship ended 2 weeks ago with my x boy friend who was a narcissistic abuser. I am a 34 year old woman, and since I’ve been 17 I have had a pattern of ending up with narcissistic men (one of them who commited suicide in my presence). This most recent relationship I had ended horribly. In recent past months I tried to get the courage to leave on several occasions (even packing all of my things up several times) but he would always “hoover” and it worked. Before I met my boyfriend I had always been very athletic and lived an extremely healthy lifestyle. My x drank everyday, smoked weed everyday, and was a chain smoker (cigs). Slowly he started pressuring me to drink (even though deep down I did not want to because it killed me knowing what alcohol does to your body), but I am VERY codependent and just to please him I started to drink, even daily. I started to smoke weed with him daily, even though I hated it. I was so, so, so sad and depressed. He started to put me down slowly, wanted to watch porn all the time, wanted us to go to strip clubs, and proposed threesomes. I pretended that I was ok with all of this, I know very stupid, but I am very, very co dependent. I was so hurt and depressed and felt like there was so way out. I knew that I would NEVER be happy living a life that was so far from my authentic life I had lived before. I am an esthetician and a pre nursing student, and when I told my x that I was all signed up for my next biology class, he became ENRAGED. He gave me the silent treatment, it was awful. In the beginning when he met me, he knew full well that I would be a student for a long time, because it was part of my 5 year plan. After the 6 month mark, he began to control me more. He told me he no longer wanted me to go to school. I told him I had applied for a new job, and he gave me so much shit. He flat out told me he would never marry me (something I want because I have never been married)…I eventually told him that I could accept that fact, but that he had to let me go to school and work (to support myself and set myself up for retirement). He proposed, I will give you 1,500 every month to pay your small bills. He lied and started to give me 1,000. Well I took that for a few montes and then realized it was a trap and a dead end. I told him I wanted to work for myself (how could I trust him). He told me that if I stayed with him until he died, he would “take care of my future”. He had a lot of money and was a farmer, but we fought all the time, so I knew that I could not waste time on my own future, while praying that he took care of me at the end. I am an attractive woman and would get hit on a lot in front of him. He would go crazy…..it was awful. The night we broke up was terrible. I have never ever been a girl that resorts to violence, but the night we broke up we at his bosses wedding in New Port, and it got violent. He kept insisting I have drink after drink….I am dumb for drinking. At the end of the night he ended up calling me a “hoar”, he had called me that so many times, and this time was the last. I was enraged, I could not help it. I attacked him physically and verbally. It was over, he left me in Newport with no ride home, (and we lived 5 hours away). I had to call my mom at 4 in the morning to pick me up. He had all my credit cards so I could not even rent a hotel room. I had to wait in a hotel lobby for 6 hours while my mom came to get me. I let him know that I was going to expose him to his step mom. I texted her and came clean. She said that he had done this to the last girlfriend (who was also nice, beautiful, and co dependent like me). My ex told me to get my things a.s.a.p. and move out. I had my mom and daughter come with me the next day and we moved all my things out. He said he never wants to see or talk to me again. I don’t think he will hoover any more. I am sick but I still miss him, it is so fresh that I am still trying to process it all. The more I read about it, the more all of these things are making sense. It is a hard concept to grasp that a human being is incapable of loving…..just so scary to me, but that is indeed how he was. He is probably on dating sites right now preying upon his next victim. I know I need to stop thinking about him so much and move on with my life. Luckily I am moving to another state….if I still lived around him, it would be much harder. I don’t want to be single, but I think I need to be to work on my co-dependency.


    • It always amazes me how similar these men are you could have been dating my ex and at one point I thought you were. I got out because I left the country and even then it was hard.

      Only through support groups like this online and counseling in my life was I able to face my own codependency. You can learn to live with it in healthy ways with help. You may never conquer it. It will learn to stand up for yourself sooner and recognize them and not fall for them.

      Thanks for sharing your story god bless you and give you great strength and confidence.


  14. My husband dropped a bomb on me on a Saturday. The weekend before he came to my family reunion and pretended everything was fine. He kissed me and told me he loved me every night before bed.. then one day, told me I’ve been having a PI follow me and I’ve been cheating. I NEVER cheated so there is no possible way this proof exists. I had to move out of my house with that one sentence and his only response was “I’ll never believe that you didn’t cheat”. This is the second time he did this to me and I was dumb enough to take him back bc he seemed so sincere. He called my entire family after he told me to leave and told them a bunch of BS lies. I know he will be filing papers and I can’t really grasp this. I never knew at ALL it was this bad. I’m hurt and confused but more angry I think. Please if anyone has any suggestions please reach out to me


    • I swear you were dating my ex. Mine was delusional always accusing me of cheating, looking through my phone, wanting to keep me on the phone all day at my job so no one could talk to me. If someone did, there would be interrogation and arguments of what I should have said etc. if I didn’t answer there would be arguments when I got home. He would call 1 minute before i finished work, so I could t stay and talk to anyone. I was supposed to leave work right away. If I went shopping on the way home I would get interrogated… even though I figured the seven bags of groceries should be self explanatory. Nor would he help pay for them or offer to do the grocery shopping himself.
      The last straw was when he said “why do you think I didn’t give you money for the rent the last two months? I paid for a private investigator and they said they have pictures of you with your coworker… (there was no affair). I found his iPad in my vehicle hidden under the passenger seat. He pulled up behind me in a store I went to.
      Threatened me for his things in the house and then wouldn’t pick them up. Wouldnt take them all, called me at work threatening to use the police to retrieve his belongings or have me arrested.
      Calling my co workers, threatening to put pictures up, on FHB of my coworker and I (doing what I have no idea..). Just the drama placed on his family was enough.
      Threatening civil court for My Washer dryer and refrigerator. I give him the washer and dryer and after he takes them texts to say “why didn’t you tell me you didn’t have replacements? What are you supposed to wash our sons clothes with?”
      14k in legal defense and family court. 6k lost due to lost work days for legal, domestic violence counsel, therapy…. I lost a 90k/year job because of all the drama.
      Narcs are very expensive.

      He left after that and was with a woman posting pics on fb not two weeks later. Same woman who helped him take me to court to try to take custody of our son. She tried to buy my son with gifts 6 months earlier. He refused to take our son to a summer program and instead left our boy with this woman who hit our son for arguing with her grandson. ( this woman is 12 years older than me and 16 years older than my ex)
      I’ve had CWS called on me because my son made up a story that my bf had hit him because he was to afraid to say it was her). Let’s just say I had no boyfriend. I don’t bring men around my son.
      They have now split up and NOW one year since the private investigator incident He is deciding he wants to be a family and he misses US.

      I could go on and on. Hopefully you don’t have children with this guy.
      Run. RUN far far away.


  15. My Narc ex suffered from severe inferiority complex syndrome. One of his favorite insults to spit out was how much better I thought I was than him. This is exactly the kind of mind fuck game they play to unload their own feelings about themselves on to the lover so they don’t have to deal with the misery in their own mind by passing it on.
    I was already familiar with this type of mental case from a former ex who was a diff type of narc.
    Yes ladies & gents beware of the quiet, not so obvious types. They are just as sick but it sneaks up on you gradually, when you least expect it.
    God blessed me by removing this negative energy from my life and I am so lucky to be free of this heavy burden I took on. The efforts you make are not even acknowledged let alone appreciated. You are only a tool they use to handle their never-ending pain in the ass drama list.
    My whole take on this issue is speaking from personal experience. Upon educating myself on the topic is nothing new or that has not been said many times before: NO CONTACT!!!
    Easier said than done? Not really. You must choose who you are going to love more?
    Your self respect, sanity, and everybody & thing that you love, hold dear to your heart is fair game for these demons. A person that cannot feel remorse lives in a body lacking a soul. They are dangerous and there isn’t any love conquers all fairytale attached to this kind of situation. It is hopeless, one sided and a waste of time & energy to stick around hoping things are going to change. It gets worse, the hatred stronger and you will.never be able to reach this person because they don’t really exist. Crazy as it sounds my friends, I fell for this phony nonsense twice! That perfect guy/gal you fell in love with was pretending to be who they were to hook you. Accept the truth and run for your life! Problem solved.


  16. Being in the abusive relationship can be very confusing and can completely change who you are. You won’t recognise yourself as well as you’ll know that your life has become hell. You will have no respect for yourself, will be overwhelmed by hopelessness, a feeling of guilt and absurd life situations.
    My sane part of brain warned me that I need to go for counselling before even considering leaving the abuser. Starting the sessions made me realise that I am in a terrible place and it provoked me starting to confront my ex and the situation started to be even worse. I could easily quit the sessions and be my ex’s puppy again with no power to oppose him.
    The situation got reinforced when I attempted a suicide taking a handful of pills and cutting my veins. After that I completely lost a feeling of fear and I had nothing to loose. So my plan was to keep seeing my counsellor who is amazing and talked me through my battle with abuser. I started contacting my friends and talk about the isolating harm I have experienced in this relationship. With psychologist and support of my friends I got the strength to find a new job(me and my ex worked in the same restaurant), and find a new place to live.
    After leaving him all this seems like a bad 3year long dream and I feel stronger than ever. I encourage you to do the same thing but take small steps towards your freedom and seek for a professional help if you feel like you need it. Good luck and we are stronger than we think we are!


  17. I am in a relatio ship with someone who had absolutely no respect for me Infact he puts me down all the time about.my weight and then says he’s only messing but knowing it hurts….he was living with me.and.during that time he broke me down in every way his drinking was constant….. phone always upside down and caught him sexting other women on few occasions he was verbally and physically abusive and broke my nose never did anything with me or for me
    .. led me along whole time till he got a job away and moved out and finished it even after all he had done I was devastated he went which I knew wasnt normal he didnt contact me I ended up contacting him how weak and pathetic…. saw him again and now I regret It because he was cruel said I was worse partner he ever had and how he is basically never commiting and he’s even Booked a holiday abroad …. he has me exactly where he wants me used and desperate and knows I will pander to his needs and basically has no respect because I have allowed him… I have been clinging on to hope th i king he will Change and commit it was extrealely hard when he went felt in pain almost I made me.I’ll he didnt.seem to bat an eyelid
    .. I realise I need to get out and need some help in never returning he sure as he’ll isn’t suffering the way I am and I deserve more I was loyal and kind to.him.he saw me coming a mile of….. please give me the strength to not contact him ever again and not suffer anymore


  18. I am here to share my experience with all of you. About how I returned my husband, we got married for over 9 years and got two kids. It went well with us and we are always happy. Until one day my husband began to behave in a way he could not understand, I was very confused by the way he treated me and the children. Later that same month he did not come home and called me that he wanted a divorce, I asked what I did wrong to deserve this from him, everything he was saying he wants a divorce that hates me and does not want To see me again in His life, I was crazy and also frustrated I do not know what to do, I was sick for more than 2 weeks due to divorce. I love him so much that he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. I told my sister about my current condition and told me about doctor chamberc, I contacted him for the return of my husband back to me, he told me that my husband has been taken by another woman, that the Wife spelled him out, that’s why he hates me and wants us to get a divorce. Then he also gave me assurance that in the next 48 hours my husband will return to me and the children, after he has finished casting the spell in the next 48 hours my husband called me an apology to me on the phone And Said he still loves me so much he does not know what happened to him. But today my husband and all my family are happy again. Thank you Dr.chamberc for what you did. It would have been nothing today but for your help. Contact him via email chamberc564@yahoo.com
    (1) want your ex back.
    (2) You always have nightmares.
    (3) To be promoted in your office
    (4) Do you want a child.
    (5) You want to be rich.
    (6) you want to keep your husband / wife for you alone forever.
    (7) the need for financial assistance.
    8) Do you want to be in control of that marriage
    9) Do you want to be attracted to people
    10) The lack of children
    11) needs a husband / wife
    18) cure for any disease.
    (19) E.T.C case resolution
    Contact them in your email temple chamberc564@yahoo.com and get all your problems solved.


  19. Is any of it real ? Or was everything a game ?


  20. I feel really embarrassed and lost writing this right now. I have been on and off again with my narcissist bf and i am trying my hardest to stay away from him. He has put me through every type of abuse possible and flips everything he does wrong on me to get rid of me for a few weeks. I am finding it really difficult to get through my days of work , school and trying to act like everything is ok in front of everyone. I don’t even remember the feeling of what is was like to be completely happy I find myself crying everyday now and just wanting to be alone. I have been looking into seeing a psychiatrist because I’m actually starting to believe everything that he has told me and nothing helps anymore. I know that a lot of it is my fault for staying around and I need to just find myself again.


  21. I just can’t believe it. I can’t. Never ever thought that there were people in this world out there like this. Mind blowing, cruel and very hard to digest. Coming from a sound family of love, hard working and unity with complete structure. I just never thought it existed. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that manipulating, self-centered individuals were present in the world, but this information is in feaking unreal.. like why? Why would you treat people that only want to love, support, encourage and embrace you like that? Well, for me- lesson learned. I know true love is real. I’m not bitter and I understand it had nothing to do with me. Everything will work out. God promises that. And…. I will stand in His truth. It’s all good. An awaking moment! Love is out there…..


  22. My ex broke up with me and wont tell me why.last couple of months he went no contact and changed his phone number.last week out of the blue text me think he was drunk as it didn’t make a lot of sense.
    Next day text to say he just wants to say sorry and ill never hear from him again.2 days later he asked for a picture of my dog that he likes then then will leave me alone so i did he went thanks see ya.
    Why would he change his mobile number then give it to me again and text me what he did, is this some sort of a game


  23. Yes yes and yes! I JUST ran into my NPD ex noyfriend today and he was being NICE wanting to shake my hand. I answered his question but rebuffed his move for physical touch. Then of course I vented and had more pain to walk through as well as guilt today. I was very caught off guard but now chall it up to experience for the future… we are a go for launch on Phase II: the break up. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Thanks for sharing this information. Wow!! This has been an eye opener for me. At this time, I am enjoying my freedom from this man
    (THE NARCISSISTIC ABUSER). He fit the total description along with the behavior and the accusing me of stealing and cheating on him. None of the accusations were true. I don’t want no more contact with him because I want this nightmare over. 5 months of Hell wS enough for me.
    Thanks again


  25. My story goes like this…he was my first crush in high school, he was also my first lover.
    After school I traveled the world for 18 years, we tried to meet up in between, but it never worked out.
    Two years ago, I moved back to my home town after 20 years, we were friends on FB, but I knew very little of his life, I was checking out posts one evening and saw that it was his birthday. I sent him a message to say happy birthday and that is when my hell on earth started.
    He wowed me all right…I believed that this was IT!!!! The man of my dreams..the one I have been praying for all my life.
    The experience is to complicated and long to tell all. In the beginning he was everything I could wish for, kind, loving, understanding and I was SO in love (he still looked like I remembered him from high school and even then I was smitten..
    It all came to a blow just before Christmas…he chased me away like an animal in front of his children.( Make no mistake..he has done this countless times before, in the beginning he would always apologies and ask me not to go, as the stages went from one to another, I found myself being the one begging to stay.) I decided that if I did not leave that day, his children would think that it is ok for people to be treated like that, and I was not going to let that happen.
    It was absolute torture not being with him. He did not send me one text during this time.
    I returned just after new year, hoping and wishing that he would have realized what I mean to him and everything will be fine, we had future plans together and he will fight for what we have together. WRONG!!! Everything was my fault, he turned my best friend, my family , his family and anyone that would listen against me. Everyone thought I was insane…he went that far as to get my family to agree to admitting me to a institute.
    When I got back he promised that he would get help, and he just wanted peace and quiet in his life and that I am the calm to his storm…Beautiful right! He left the next day, blocked me everywhere he could and moved in with a girl that he met on FB. I decided that I will not let him get away with this and told him that if he wanted me out, he will make sure that he will provide the funds for me to start new.
    He left me like an animal on that farm..40km away from any civilization, without food, money or electricity. And this ladies is where I am extremely impressed with my inner strength, that I never even knew existed.He told me to move out and go to my mother or brother, I stood up and told him that the day he moved me into his house, I became his responsibility and that I would not run away like a fool. That ENRAGED him..he humiliated me in as many ways possible, coming back every few days to work me up, Taking condoms from the cabinet and making sure that I see him putting it in his bag. Sleeping with me, only for me to find out a couple of hours later he was sleeping with the new one.He had me arrested for speaking to his family(that backfired in his face, totally) I did not give in..I lost half of my body weight, did not eat, did not sleep..there really is no word to describe the hot mess I was in.He unblocked my number every other day, just so that I could see the photos of him and his new prey after he told me that he does not take pics..one month into his new relationship, he got engaged, something he told me he never wanted to do again…Ladies and gents, NO PERSON DESERVES THIS SHIT!!!! Hence, he paid up after 3 months of literally being on survivor.
    4 months have passed and NO CONTACT was the only way I could;d cope, although it was the HARDEST thing I have gone through in my entire life. I still have extremely difficult days, but I am only human…at least the despair has gone. I saw him again for the first time last week Friday. When he saw me, it looked like he saw a ghost..I walked up to him..curtsied and gave him the bird, with a very sweet smile on my face! HE NEARLY CHOKED!!

    I HAVE MY POWER BACK!!!! Stay strong, if you are reading these stories, you are already on the right path.

    My thoughts and prayers are with all of you xx


  26. Wow it’s a blessing I found this! Now I finally understand. My nbf and I were engaged and I must admit everything went fast, he played this good guy role on me and my family to the point we let him move in to the point where we eventually moved in together. Where the problems came in… he couldn’t keep a job couldn’t stick with school(which initially was his goal so we could move out of state) sure enough I put a lot of my own goals to the side to show support in reality realizing everything was about him up to then I realized it was beginning to be overwhelming for me I said we needed time… within 2 days he had another girl in our home my things were packed and his excuse was I took off to california(time with friends I hadn’t seen practically since we got together due to him isolating me) and I was probably out there screwing people. Fast forward I go to pick up my things and he tries to get the girls family to jump me I mean after all I’ve done for this dude helped him get back to the states when he couldn’t supported him through school and kept my job and was the mature person when his immature ass couldn’t stay consistent to save his life… if hurts of course but by reading this article I see it’s just in them… by the way he contacted my mom today I have no social media and blocked him on my phone so he tries to add my mom on fb And calls her to say I “Left things” at the apartment I let my anger let him win sometimes I’ll admit but I honestly can’t wait for this to die down


  27. This is so hard when it’s the person you’ve been told and taught to trust in the whole wide world… Your Mother!!!


  28. I believe I was in a relationship with one myself. I met this girl and when I did she mentioned she was still married but had been separated for several years. I couldn’t figure out why she did not make a clean break but she told me he was abusive and had a drinking problem. I sopported her through the whole time until she built up the courage to get divorced. It was hell for me because she was always scared of him and just wanted out of the marriage. She gave him the house and everything because she wanted out then he sued her for child support. After some time she told me that she didn’t see a future together because we didn’t get engaged. I gave in and asked her to marry me. Things were good for a while but I had financial problems and filed bankruptcy. She too had money issues and I paid for her to have bankruptcy done to help her out. We did have arguments and she would act like a spoiled school girl and gave me the cold shoulder a lot. Also she never wanted to discuss our problems, just said she couldn’t deal with it. Then suddenly out of the blue she said she didn’t see a future together anymore and said I put my friends and family first before our relationship. I was floored! After all I do she just broke up with me and I have not heard from her for a month now? I tried to reach out with her and said I hope she was doing well but nothing? She works with a friend of mine who set us up and she said she seems happy and does not seem affected bye the breakup? Any thoughts?


  29. Don’t feel bad–you are not alone. They love bombed us with endless texts that were sent to many others, so we would feel a false sense of connection and closeness. It has helped me to remind myself, “It wasn’t real–he was play acting. It was his compulsion, not love!”

    You need to block his number after telling him you are not getting anything out of his mass-produced texts.

    Good luck.


  30. When a male ex always saying to me that we have history,pondering why he always saying that.


  31. i have made my abuser the victim by continuing texting for some rare morsel of affection. The I love you too or good nights have become a sick refuge. I need to be in a secluded environment with no phones. I am a nurse and have worked with pysch pts. I know I am sickly addicted. Cant stop. How do you stop unconditional love,you cant or then it would be conditional.


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