What to expect after the break-up with the narcissist

by After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life & Love on Wednesday, May 23, 2012 at 9:06pm ·

Exploring your new-found freedom from the dysfunctional relationship can be filled with anticipation and excitement. Likewise, it can be filled with  frustration, confusion, cynicism, ,and you’ll feel like you’re back on an emotional roller coaster!  What you are experiencing is a different sort of emotional struggle, i.e., remaining  low self-esteem, poor physical health,  hatred, unsuccessful dating and dating fear, level of cynicism towards the opposite sex is most likely at an unhealthy levels, etc.  So the basis of this article is to guide you though the realities of what to expect from yourself and your abuser post dissolution.

 

In the beginning.. “THE X”

 

By now you understand that your former spouse/ significant other’s personality disorder is a life long condition and will typically get worse as they age.

 

If you were fortunate enough to escape without children involved, then the necessity to utilize coping skills will be very temporary, because you truly have nothing that binds or commits one another.

 

Exceptions would be joint ownership of assets in an LTR Vs a Marriage.  Comparatively speaking, where post-dissolutions of marriage between two healthy personalities can work through issues, the unhealthy, high conflict personalities post dissolution always tend to remain in never-ending drama.

 

This is due in part to the healthy personality not establishing solid boundaries from their former abuser. As there is usually a healthy personality involved in such dysfunctional former relationships, then it’s a matter of emotional discipline, emotional maturity, and learning coping skills.

 

As the former victim/abused, you must learn to be disciplined for the sake of your future happiness. One of the main reasons why one becomes a victim of abuse is a lack of discipline where it concerns relationship boundaries. A person may recognize some of the relationship dysfunction early on, however, tends to ignore the traits and characteristics of their mate.

 

In essence, they are ignoring the boundaries that should have served them in the first place. Giving these emotional predators any “benefit of doubt” or “forgiveness”  is like giving them the rope to hang their victims. They prey on individuals that are forgiving, emotionally sound, and are romantics. It’s like “shooting fish in a Barrel” to them.

 

We’ve established that a former high conflict relationship without children, or investments is rather basic, you simply go “no contact.” This is not to say that it will be a “cake walk” in the beginning, because it will still require discipline. Everything still applies so pay close attention to detail.

 

Here is the scary part, it doesn’t matter if the relationship was for months or years, your abuser believes they will always “own” you, that they will always have control over you, till death do you part! Their arrogance precedes them and believe all that they considered close to them during their lifetime can still be manipulated despite time.

 

All the perceptions and attitudes when one is in the abusive relationship MUST CHANGE in order to detach from the abuser. In other words, what you thought and believed then most likely has been weakened therefore, you will have to develop new and stronger patterns of thinking in order to successfully detach.

 

So many times after such a relationship is over, we tend to open our “emotional door” once more and the madness begins once again. This enables your abuser rather than disarming them.  The intent may have been good, and they may have given you a convincing or plausible story unrelated to the relationship in order to communicate with you.

 

Giving the abuser a one inch crack in that emotional door is most certainly a mistake for they will take any opening that allows them to hurt you. Remember this too, successfully detaching will not  eliminate their behavior,because their dysfunctional traits and characteristics are virtually cast in stone.

 

They will not change. So the importance of being disciplined in forming new perceptions, and attitudes towards the former abuser will serve in protecting all that is meaningful in your life. Sticking to your guns will initially piss off your abuser, so expect some new craziness to happen.

 

Believe me, they will be digging deep into their “Bag of Tricks” to overcome their perceived perpetrator. Keep this in mind, they are capable of unimaginable and egregious behavior because your initiative of no contact has upset the very core of their being. Their nastiness can range from simple verbal attacks to being downright destructive. Do not underestimate them and be prepared for anything despite how well you think you may know them.

 

What the complete detachment and no contact process will create is and  ”out of sight, out of mind” condition whereby pattens of behavior will change if appropriate measures of action are solid on behalf of the healthy personality involved. Otherwise, it can continue to be a “hell on earth.” Yes, it is up to you, because you must remember, they will never change!

 

If you were in a relationship with an NPD, most likely they will move on much more quickly than a BPD. NPD’s are more hurtful and damaging during a relationship Vs the BPD, however, the BPD tends to continue their madness after the fact.  BPD’s, Histrionic’s, Bipolar’s, have a variation in presence of conscience and emotion, therefore they struggle between reality and their perceived world. Whereas, the NPD has no presence of conscience, hence their ability to move on and seek a new victim or supply.

 

In summary, expect some continued craziness in the beginning of a break up, given time though, it will subside to a more manageable  level.  Do not engage or provoke your former abuser in any way, you are now in control, not them. Truth and reality are your abuser’s enemies because it sends their egocentric core reeling out of control, so stick to less emotional situations and resolves.

 

This is one of the most important aspects of your abuser that you must remind yourself of each time they speak, “they are masters of manipulation for the sake of self, not you, and not the children.”

 

Be disciplined in mind and heart to understand, your former abuser cares about no one but themselves. Remember too, just when you think you’ve got them figured out, they throw a little deception, manipulation, a lie or two, and you are now pissed off!

 

Amazing how easy they get you right where they want you!  Do not allow them to engage you this way, you are the better person, shame on them for doing this to you, and next time you will be a little smarter, right!  Life is too short to allow others drama and dysfunction to affect those they don’t deserve to be with in the first place. Always put your “thinking cap” on and make sound judgments when communication with your former abuser is necessary.

  1. I was just contacted by my X NPD after almost 2 years!! I saw his number come up on my phone and I was shocked and part of me honestly wanted to talk to him!! NO!! I wouldn’t pick up! I did text him and ask why he was calling!!?? That was also a wrong move!! He didn’t answer, so I thought he was done! Two days later he called again and it was 7 times early morning!! I mistakenly answered and when I realized it was him I hung up. He called me again and I text him a ??…that was all he needed to fuel his sadistic narcissistic personality!! He asked me if I wanted to get naughty?! And a tongue sticking out emogi! Which was insulting even coming from his disgusting self-righteous immoral self!! I told him NO!! I told him to be faithful to his girl..Then he said, ” Oh shit wrong number!” I therefore replied, “That’s right!”…But as you can see, the NO CONTACT RULE APPLIES!!
    It didn’t do me any good to answer..they are master manipulators ONLY if YOU LET THEM!! No contact will piss them off and keep the ball in your court!!
    Stay strong!! These guys DO NOT change! The only change they’ll make is to become more evil, manipulative and destructive until someone dies along the way!!
    Don’t be the victim!!
    Be a survivor!!

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  2. I was in a relationship for about 4 months. Thought, “finally, someone who loves me the way I love them” I was going to marry this guy, although it seemed so quick and rushed, I was so in love and happy. Then the day before he tells me hes not ready to get married, which I was ok with that, thinking that we were rushing and didnt need to. we continued the relationship but he started to pull away and everything started changing. I asked him to move out of my house, he acted like he was hurt but still continued to pull away. I found out I was pregnant, he acted like he was so happy that I was, then I lost the baby and he wasn’t there for me and his lame excuse was just that he didn’t trust me and didn’t want to argue so he stayed away from me while I was dealing with the miscarriage. We have been going back and forth for the past month and a half. He will text me being a jerk then will try to apologize and try to make me feel sorry for what I say. I just don’t want to be depressed anymore. I am trying my hardest to go back to being myself and not feel sad. I am more sad about the miscarriage and the fact that he wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most, but I don’t know how to stop feeling the sadness. I know my relationship wasn’t long but it doesn’t hurt any less.

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  3. I was in a relationship for about 4 months. Thought, “finally, someone who loves me the way I love them” I was going to marry this guy, although it seemed so quick and rushed, I was so in love and happy. Then the day before he tells me hes not ready to get married, which I was ok with that, thinking that we were rushing and didnt need to. we continued the relationship but he started to pull away and everything started changing. I asked him to move out of my house, he acted like he was hurt but still continued to pull away. I found out I was pregnant, he acted like he was so happy that I was, then I lost the baby and he wasn’t there for me and his lame excuse was just that he didn’t trust me and didn’t want to argue so he stayed away from me while I was dealing with the miscarriage. We have been going back and forth for the past month and a half. He will text me being a jerk then will try to apologize and try to make me feel sorry for what I say. I just don’t want to be depressed anymore. I am trying my hardest to go back to being myself and not feel sad. I am more sad about the miscarriage and the fact that he wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most, but I don’t know how to stop feeling the sadness. I know my relationship wasn’t long but it doesn’t hurt any less.

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  4. Mine was very clever, he was always there, always texting nice stuff. I fed his ego, but after 8 months into the relationship, he started to become aggressive, and treated me as if I was his child. Made me call off friendships, lecturing me constantly about how face book would separate us, while it was ok to have his. One day he physically roughed me out and my child called the police. I diminished the gravity of what he did to avoid him getting arrested. We did have great times together, and lots of loving moments. But then after a year he started to be more and more short fused, aggressive , made me walk on egg shells in my own house. He then took over most of my space. When I got messages, he got them too in his own cell phone, and was comfortable enough about that to confront me about them, by showing me, and asking me who that was, if it was a man. He compared me negatively to other women, especially his Zumba teacher. After reading and researching about his kind, I realized that she was his primary NS. And that’s because he didn’t have sex with her yet. I wS getting in shape at the gym, and he would get mad if I told him I received attention. But he had no problem telling me about the sex offers he would get. He is 6 years younger then I, but I look young enough to look like we are the same age. He would mention hurtful things all the time. If we were anywhere where we would get people starting at us, he would tell me it was because of our age difference. He started to keep me awake at night, flipping lights in my face, shaking bed. He is a retired cop, and I still have to get up in the morning to go to work. And I work very hard. He never once offered to lay a bill, after he moved in with me. Finally 4 months ago, I got mad at him and myself, I had very high self esteem, and I started to feel like his door mat. So at 4am, I woke him up and told him that I didn’t live him anymore. He then mentioned the woman at the gym, saying that I was jealous of her because of her youth. I found him so ridiculous, that I had to hurt him back. So I told him that I not only didn’t love him anymore, that even the sex became boring. That he needed to work out more because his butt was getting unattractive. I told him that I could meet other men who had more class and prestige than him. Well he left. I felt that I could be free. But I have a hard time dating anyone. I decided to save time to get to rebuilt myself, to be stronger, and to love my alone time. I avoid the gym at the times he goes. I now have blocked his number because he contacted me 3 weeks ago to send me pics that he took on my child’s BD. I thanked him, but even though I didn’t contact him back, I felt that he had pulled me back from the progress I was making. Believe me, I cried a lot because of this man. My love for him was deep. When I told him I didn’t love him anymore of course it wasn’t true. I am still sad to be alone, no one to me is as attractive as he. I love him still, but I have a healthy pride, and a healthy sense of how a real strong man should treat his woman. There is no way he is getting back in my life to torment me anymore. I hate abusers, bullies, and fake people. So be courageous ladies, get a grip of yourselves and know that after the rain comes the rainbow. There is a magnificent light at the end of the tunnel. When I read those articles I recognized him. He is a real narcissist. He had confided things about him, that were so deep, and that explained how he became one. The man his full fleshed narcissist. He is both intellectually and physically narcissist. He seems to be also bisexual, although he tries to deny him, but I got the signs. I could right a book about him. He was gradually trying to destroy me, trying to weaken me mentally and physically. But i prayed a lot, I asked God to open my eyes and he did. Thank you my Lord Jesus, for helping me. When I feel sad, anxious, depressed, tormented, I ask Jesus to come to my rescue, and soon after, the pain is gone, and I feel great as if I took meds. It’s important to have a deep spiritual mind when going through these painful times. May the peace and the love of Christ be with all of you going through this. Amen.

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  5. On Wednesday my NPD “ex” changed his number and moved to a different state without any warning to get back with his baby momma 🤔 On Monday he came over & promised me the world. Said he was gonna change and because I’m such a good woman I deserved everything from him. Tuesday we talked all day I even texted him at 9:21pm saying good night he replied back at 9:22pm saying good night baby. I realized I couldn’t sleep so I texted him at 10:30pm but it didn’t go through so I figured he was at the club with no service. Stayed up til 12am trying to reach him & NOTHING. Around 9am I’m still trying to reach him & I still couldn’t so I sent him a message on Facebook & he blocked the page. I instantly jumped up got dressed and went to his job. Turns out he had quick his job a week before he left & didn’t tell me anything. He had planned it all out & everyone knew he was leaving except for me smh.

    Finally I sent him a message on Instagram & he replied back with “I told you to move on” he even called me crazy and let his friends disrespect me. Again he was over here Monday promising me the world. He was always here with me. A week before we was at th movies with my son and his son having “family night” amazing how he forgot everything so fast. Now he’s made me out to be the crazy lady. Everyone is on his side, I feel so alone. It hurts so bad because he treated me like a queen from the beginning.

    Our problem started because he thinks he’s a Facebook Celebrity. No joke his life revolves around Facebook. He twist everything…if acfemale likes his picture he thinks she want to have sex with him. When we first started dating on New Years Eve I posted a picture of us out & it got a lot of attention because we went to High School together. In school he was very “lame” so when he realized he was getting so much attention he took it and ran with it. Now he’s on Facebook more than any woman I know. He started arguments with me and other woman…it was like he got a high from all the drama. Finally he blocked me being very sneaky because he was trying to get back with his “Baby Momma”. Because I work a lot I didn’t pay attention to it. But everyone around him knew his plan. I know he’s coming back but I don’t want him to return. I refuse to play this game with a grown boy. He can take her & other women on his roller coaster but I’ll pass. I am hurting so bad right now…on Wednesday I thought I was gonna die but the pain was unreal. Thinking about all his broken promises to me broke me down. I felt so alone without him. Everyone on Facebook is laughing at me. I just wanna hide under a rock but I have to face reality.

    I was good to him I cooked cleaned catered to his needs etc…I didn’t deserve this non of us do. But when he returns I guarantee he acts like nothing happened but he will defintely beg for firgiveness. Each day gets better and better but it’s still hurts so much. He abandoned me & it’s hard to explain to my 6 year old son that adores him what happened. I pray to God to heal my heart quick so I can move on with my life. Enough is enough for me. 4 months wasted but a very valuable lesson learned!!!!! 😩

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  6. On Wednesday my NPD “ex” changed his number and moved to a different state without any warning to get back with his baby momma 🤔 On Monday he came over & promised me the world. Said he was gonna change and because I’m such a good woman I deserved everything from him. Tuesday we talked all day I even texted him at 9:21pm saying good night he replied back at 9:22pm saying good night baby. I realized I couldn’t sleep so I texted him at 10:30pm but it didn’t go through so I figured he was at the club with no service. Stayed up til 12am trying to reach him & NOTHING. Around 9am I’m still trying to reach him & I still couldn’t so I sent him a message on Facebook & he blocked the page. I instantly jumped up got dressed and went to his job. Turns out he had quick his job a week before he left & didn’t tell me anything. He had planned it all out & everyone knew he was leaving except for me smh.

    Finally I sent him a message on Instagram & he replied back with “I told you to move on” he even called me crazy and let his friends disrespect me. Again he was over here Monday promising me the world. He was always here with me. A week before we was at th movies with my son and his son having “family night” amazing how he forgot everything so fast. Now he’s made me out to be the crazy lady. Everyone is on his side, I feel so alone. It hurts so bad because he treated me like a queen from the beginning.

    Our problem started because he thinks he’s a Facebook Celebrity. No joke his life revolves around Facebook. He twist everything…if acfemale likes his picture he thinks she want to have sex with him. When we first started dating on New Years Eve I posted a picture of us out & it got a lot of attention because we went to High School together. In school he was very “lame” so when he realized he was getting so much attention he took it and ran with it. Now he’s on Facebook more than any woman I know. He started arguments with me and other woman…it was like he got a high from all the drama. Finally he blocked me being very sneaky because he was trying to get back with his “Baby Momma”. Because I work a lot I didn’t pay attention to it. But everyone around him knew his plan. I know he’s coming back but I don’t want him to return. I refuse to play this game with a grown boy. He can take her & other women on his roller coaster but I’ll pass. I am hurting so bad right now…on Wednesday I thought I was gonna die but the pain was unreal. Thinking about all his broken promises to me broke me down. I felt so alone without him. Everyone on Facebook is laughing at me. I just wanna hide under a rock but I have to face reality.

    I was good to him I cooked cleaned catered to his needs etc…I didn’t deserve this non of us do. But when he returns I guarantee he acts like nothing happened but he will defintely beg for firgiveness. Each day gets better and better but it’s still hurts so much. He abandoned me & it’s hard to explain to my 6 year old son that adores him what happened. I pray to God to heal my heart quick so I can move on with my life. Enough is enough for me. 4 months wasted but a very valuable lesson learned!!!!!

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  7. This article was a great read i just ended a 4 yr relationship with someone whom i believe to to a narcissist he was stalking me breaking things around my home threathing me putting me down calling me names an trying to mess up my relationship with my friends an family by saying that my friends an certain family members where flirting with him an wanted to be with him i went through pure hell he cheated on me got the women pregnant and he play me againist her and her against me i wanted to kill myself i thought i was not good enough not pretty he didnt work then still doesnt now he finally got his pay back he lives home with his mom an doesnt have anything no car friends money job he also has startedcto look like hell lost weight gray hair just went down as for the other women she got hers too i had him locked up for stalking me she bailed him out before our court date soon after we went to court he calls cps on her saying she kicked the one year old in the head trying to get her in trouble just cause she asked him to leave her home then he contacts me again after all that saying through text that she is abusing my son i want to marry you so we can take him from her i hated that women at first but now i know she actually did me a favor by taking the sick mf off my hands now my number has been changed and i am free from his drama an bs

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  8. This information is right on target.
    “The pain of discipline today or the pain
    of regret tommorow.” Joyce Meyer
    I am thinking of moving to another state.

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  9. mzekelo phakathi

    Hi
    i’ve been dating with a narcissistic girlfriend for 8months.Don’t get me wrong,i am still with her.Before meeting her,i was a player.she came into my life then i changed my lifestyle.i dated only her,she is returning the favor.my education moved me to another city,but she wanted to come with me.her dad is working in the city i was moving to,so she stayed with her dad.i thought it was love only to find out that its Narcissism personality.She started showing charecteristics this yr.i wouldn’t know if there is something such as a narcissistic girl if it wasn’t of her.she did incredible things then i started doing a research.And now i know she has narcissism personality,what should i do?should i break up with her?its not that bad to me coz i know her problem.i love her she is beautiful and my family likes her big time.we re both 18yrs me n her.she so predictable now,i even thinks she is staying with her boyfriend that she claims he is her half brother.its crazy,and the things i think are crazy.i dont know what to do.i blv there is a light at the end of the tunnel.plz advise me on facebook “Mzekelo KlassicMc Okmalume’scar” thank u

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  10. 3.5 year long relationship, 2 of the 3.5 years he was either cheating with the most recent ex or trying to rekindle a relationship with an ex from a decade ago. After I found out, both times I forgave, but definitely affected my feelings for him. He is very persuasive, as in: “We have a love that few people ever experience, and now we have gotten over some challenges early on that will NEVER be repeated” He goes to church several times a week (I am not religious), he has this image/façade that he works so hard at maintaining (tanning lotion, sports car, grand piano- he plays one song). Wears makeup if he has a blemish. Won’t go anywhere if he is not 100% put together. We went on a trip and it tool him an hour in front of the mirror, I went and had breakfast without him. Craziness, I tell you. He is witty but with a cutting edge that can be hurtful. He demanded all of my time and attention, even when I pleaded to give me space…it never ended until I ended it 5 weeks ago. Then the volumes of e-mails and calls from him went from being apologetic and begging, to angry and insulting. I get it. No contact. It is very hard not to counter his ridiculous messages with a response. I can do this, and I feel so much better after breaking free. I can live my own life again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi. I enjoyed reading your story, you made me smile when you mentioned he took an hour getting ready so you went and had breakfast, It reminds me of what I would do. Anyway I too have just got out of my N.relationship and was wondering what craziness did he do in those last five weeks? I

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    • my situation is very similar to yours. I am five weeks goin “no contact”. He has not try to contact me either. I feel, it’s much better for me. I have my moments of sadness, but reading about relationships with narcicissits, there is no chance to have one since they are unable to feel love for the person near them. Please write again.

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    • Rosamaria Bauman

      My situation is very similar to yours. Please write again.

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  11. Nicole greaney cavan

    They lie and cheat and leave you and then come back when it suits. Met a 40 something scottish narcissist man through work – banking. Seemed too good to be true. Blamed his wife for all his problems. Moved in with me. I never fully trusted him. He has had several women on the go but pretended they were just friends. Always hiding his mobile. I helped him with his boys at weekends. He was nice one minute and sneaky the next. Very passive aggressive. I was walking on egg shells most of the time. He is a cheating manipulator who enjoyed playing me off against his wife. I wanted to believe him and forgave him and took him back but now I see his lies. It’s all a joke to him apart from securing attention. He is very focused on appearances but nothing beneath that. Likes to be the centre of attention. I get a promotion he thinks he is the reason. Has an excuse for everything but is never sorry. I can see Elaine’s post point of view very well. I’m 37 and wonder if I can meet someone else. They are difficult to get away from.

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  12. I was in a along diatance relation with a Narc for 4.5 months …he ruined me in this short span of time.God saved me honestly he ruined me over the ohone n whatsapp conversations Imagine what he couldve done if I were there in person.
    He is a true example of an Narc fits in each stage and each description.
    Day before I threw it in his facen confronted him which resulted to abusive resort by him n blocking me ftom.whatsapp…Good riddance to bad rubbish hahah he owned a Ferrari..a Rolls Royce a Merc a Porsche all at the same time hahHH and went to stay at the Ritz which is under renovation…amazing the lies they can comeup with no we arent done yet…then an accident took place followed by brain surgery but just the next day of the apparent surgery he was writing to me..and then getting friends to msg me which was he himself from another number …he didnt realise I could recognise his style of writing. ..and always made a situation to come back to me…
    Who are these people actually fooling? themselves or the victims? He is a kid in a 50 year olds body.

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  13. Hi,
    I have read alot of the comments this week and it is heart breaking. I too was married to a narcissist and was only married for 9 months! I filed for a divorce two days after I found out about all the lies. Because of my experiences, other than being with a narcissist, I knew it was a wrap. I went throught exactly what everyone else went through. But for those of you who cannot seem to find your way back to being the person you were dont give up. You have to remain true to your healing. Stay away from the Narc because they need the help that you cannot give them. They can only be in contact with people who are not emotionally tied to them nor can be. Each day will get better if you stay the course. Dont look back. Dont accept calls. Dont address emails. Focus on you. Do fun things and stay around family and friends. You will see a difference and forget about all of this. Dont dwell on what happened and dont even try to think about the good times. The only thing you need to remember is that they need help that you cant give them and they are not good for you. Press your way and each day will get brighter. That is your key to freedom!! It might be hard at first but stick with it. You deserve it!

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  14. I was with him for 11 years, 6 years were very abusive/affair with neighbor (she loved to abuse me as well). he became more abusive every day, I tried to leave many times but had no emotional support/I had to focus on work and supporting us and his daughter whom he had help him cheat. You cannot do this alone – you need help to rid yourself of a narc. Run I have Takosubo, permanent stress heart damage, Spine damage and have to retire, fortunately I have nothing to offer the nar and he will likely leave me alone now. I will be so much better off now emotionally and financially. Unfortunately for him his true colors came through before I came up with my disability sum. He thought I was not getting anything and lost interest in me, but became meaner. Gone,,

    Your article was very helpfull

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  15. Brilliant read currently in no contact with ex for the 8 th time now he is partying and pretending I never existed I struggle daily but he has every trait of a narcissist and he’s not young he’s 33 I’m 27 he is very childish I’ve come to facts that he won’t change he has ruined me and I have zero confidence but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel I’m keeping healthy not partying like he is looking after my soul I know I’ll hear from him again I have to see phcologists to get past him he’s changed me as a person but each day is one day closer to freedom healthy positive freedom ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • that is great to hear. i see her already leeching off a dude. she controls by super passive aggression. i can see when she is dissatisfied with him. i can see when she tries to catch my attention. i can see when she is going to neglect him or be cold to him. i can see when she finds motivation to be mean to him.

      i am glad to hear you are doing well. ^^

      i am getting better by the day. and i hope you just feel better.

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  16. I cant even describe the hurt that I am feeling! I cant eat, I cant sleep, I am living with someone because he manipulated me and push me out of his house. And he has been in Las Vegas with another women sense Thurs. and he makes it no secret! We just broke up Nov. He is already taking this woman everywhere! My life is in shambles and all i can think about is him. He was for the most part good to me. But early on I started seeing the signs, but i ignored them. We have some unfinished business, but i dont even care. I got my phone number changed. I told him when he got back from Vegas he will never contact me again! I feel like i need meds to get through this. But i can admit learning about narcissistic abuse helps.😞

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  17. I found your article so true and so heart breaking. I have been living and dating this horror for 5 years. We don’t live together I’ve always liked the thought of having my own place to escape to when his rages start. I wasn’t raised to be this weak person he has created. The woman I use to be wouldn’t let a man hit me or verbally put me down in anyway. There are times I feel like I’m going crazy. In my mind I know he does nothing for me, he doesn’t really care about me, my child or my future but I truly don’t know why I let him back in but I do every time. Why can I just walk away, why do I have this fear of being alone or let that fear win and take him back? I have a daughter from a previous marriage and I have often wondered how would I handle it if she was in relationship like this. I knew he was a difficult person before we started dating but me being a fixer and a helper I just thought that was all he needed. He needed someone to show him how to love. No matter how much I have done to try and love him I end up in the same place hurt, crying and unhappy. I’ve got to find that woman I use to be!

    Liked by 1 person

    • A.
      I’m in the same boat. It’s a few days fresh for me. Me being the fixer and getting into a pattern of co-dependency was my downfall. I definitely have to put my time, energy, and focus into taking my life back and finding the new best me! How are you doing a month later?

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    • I am now day 10 of NC. I am trying to do the work all the websites say I should do – heal my inner child core wounds and not allow myself to let someone like this in my life ever again. But this pain and grief is beyond anything I could have imagined. It feels like all the pain from every grief in But all I truly keep thinking is I want him back. I dont want the rages and the cruelty, the name calling, threatening me on the phone that if I dont answer in 5 seconds some question that doesnt make sense, he will hang up. And then he starts counting. I miss the person I thought he was. I miss the funny sweet sensitive vulnerable artist that held my hand while we slept. I miss the man that I laughed with for hours. We worked together as friends for 2 years – I got him the job, protected him and stood up for him at work when he couldnt cope, and eventually lost my job as a result. That was when he became my knight in shining armour. And we started a loving committed relationship.He looked after me and said – I want this relationship and I want you – I am not afraid to love you anymore. Spent holidays together in laughter, cooked together, watched movies, made art and met the parents. He was sweeter, more kind, more passionate more loving than anyone I had ever known in my life. He knew all the horrific events I had survived in my past. He was the person who helped me make art again after a decade. But then the rages would come out of nowhere – I apparently said the wrong thing, or I may not have said it but I implied it. Or he accused me of gaslighting him – disturbing to have heard him use that term a number of times.After a super happy week where we were together pretty much all the time – making plans for our future, our art projects and goals he flew into a rage when I asked about a sock monkey from an ex girlfriend. The night before he was holding me and telling me that he wanted me to feel safe with him, that he wanted to protect me. That he loved me. And then in five minutes he went from kissing me while we talked about what we would eat for dinner to screaming at me that I would always have a problem with this exs. That I was asking him to give up all his friends. I was stunned and kept saying it isnt what I meant. That I would like to meet them. But it was too late. HE kept saying it was no contest – he would choose his friends over me any day.He kept screaming to get the f*&K out of his house. That he would call the police if I didnt leave. His neighbour – a close female friend of his – came over to ask if HE was okay, while I was in a sobbing heap on the floor. I kept saying I didnt think I could even drive. He said he didnt care. Get the f*&k out and sit in your car for all I care. I just want you gone. Its over Its over. We are done. And then he started breaking all of his pottery and saying this was my fault. I havent heard from him since. I think I am still in shock. I still have his house keys. And I am not even sure if this is abuse. Or if he is a narcissist. I am just lost and confused. I feel like I have lost everything.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Everything I read is so true that it hurts me just reading it yet living it …I guess it’ll take time a lot off time to be able to feal anything at some point in my life…sorry about the English ..

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I’ve always said, “It’s when we truly feel we are done that we will have to be our strongest.” There is a reason that curiosity killed the cat. There is nothing they could possibly want that will be good for you. When they start calling, DO NOT RESPOND. Don’t think you are fine and let curiosity kill you, because it will. They will suck you right back into their web of deceit… NO CONTACT. BE SMART. BE SAFE.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree. ..I’m experiencing this no contact phase. It’s crazy he told me he loves me and wants me in his life. He started a relationship with another woman and never told me. I’m free now and I’m going to live my life happy with out his dysfunctional attitude.

      Liked by 2 people

  20. Hi: I was in a relationship for nearly 5 years……. I lived with the man for nearly 4 years…Its first started that where ever I would go to in town…. he would always start showing up….pretending to want to be friends… we worked for the same company only a different department…. when he found out where I Lived he started to show up at my apartment…. I feel for all the attention…. and not long after we got involved and he treated me like a princess… months followed he moved in with me….people from my work had warned me about this man …. but I could not see it…. he was not acting at all like the man that they had described to me he was very attentive…unlike anyone else I had ever meet… however unknown to me he had been seeing two other women on the side which were involved in relationship…. I found emails… phone calls…but he always had a excuse…..the man became like a man with two different personalities…he would trust me …. even though I never gave him a reason too….we had a lots of good times but the bad ones will out weighed the good ones…. I couldn’t have friends… only the friends that we had together.. he got some kind of kick out of embarrassing me around his friends….I could never do anything right… I
    couldn’t even think for myself…if I went to a friends house he would know exactly what time I got there… and what time I left…. so I distance myself from my friends… I felt like I was walking on egg shells not to make him upset. He was always degrading me….. I finally got the inner strength that I needed to move out… however we remained in contact….. its been a little over a year now since I move out….about a month ago he message me and told me that he couldn’t keep texting me…. he need to find someone to spend his life with…. I didn’t know at the time but he had already found her… and she thinks he is the best thing that ever happened to her…she was warned but just like me she can’t see it…. he is still concerned about where I am too… and watch my house….. knows how long I spend at friend houses…we had went to counseling at one point…. and the councilor told me that this man would never change….he is 55 years old now…. and he has been like this since is twenties.. but why do I feel like if I had tried harder…. but, when I was there …there were times that I just wanted to close my eyes and die…..I have made an appointment to go back and see the councilor that we saw before…… I do have his number blocked on my cell phone and my facebook account… please give me so advise…

    Liked by 1 person

    • My relationship was the same. My girlfriend only allowed me to be with friends when shade new friends but once they weren’t exciting anymore I wasn’t allowed to go out. I’ve been with her for 2 years now and one time we broke up and in a matter if 2 months she already had a new guy. Unfortunately I didn’t go no contact and got caught up in the mess again. It’s so hard to not care because all I remember are the bright spots.

      Like

    • ~RUN and Don’t look back.~
      For you, try blocking him “energy wise” meaning, cutting his cords off you. To do this, “Aracangel Michael, please cut every cord & tie off of me, except to you Father God, Jesus, my angels & guides and put invisible mirrors all around me and mirror it all back to them. Then the White light of God surround me, all negativity out, all the colors of the rainbow in my light, negativity out….This is guarantee to work 100% instantly the moment you say it. Then focus your eyes in a new direction that is healthy and plant a seed in that new direction. God Bless You. Signed, Been there, done that and am out of it for good !!!!!!!!!!!!!! He sicken’s me now!!!!! True love is God, not abusers.

      Like

  21. I dealt with this in my relationship with my ex-husband, and unfortunately, my children either inherited or just simply became like their father. I tried for so long to help, but the only thing that was happening was that I was being beaten down and abused. This is heart-breaking, especially since there is a grand-daughter that I no longer see. The last time I tried to talk to my son I was verbally attacked, sworn attacked and blamed for everything ending with being told oi don’t care attacked to all. I have tried to get them to go for help to no avail. It kills me to be around them but it’s breaking my heart yto be without them. Do you have attacked tiny advice for me?

    Like

  22. It’s me Cheryl again and this time I am pleading for you ALL to remain NO CONTACT!! I was 6 months on my own and really began missing him. He contacted me saying the girl he moved into our home wound up being a prostitute! He packed her up and tried to deliver her to the police station. She panicked and had him drop her at the church he found her at.
    He told me he would like to see us both save money and work out our divorce together. HERE is where the BIG MISTAKE occurred.
    I met him for two hours and we worked the papers out. He was so sweet and gave me more than I expected. I will be taken care of right to my retirement. Two weeks later he called to meet again to fine tune the papers. We did. 4 weeks ago my lawyer receive a note from his attorney stating the date and time he’d be in to sign. We met two more times for coffee and had an enjoyable time. I never once lead him to believe we would be anything more than friends. He said, friends was better than nothing and it would be best for our grown sons to have their parents getting along. In the meantime I contacted my lawyer two weeks ago asking when I would be called into sign. She sent an email to his lawyer with no response. I called my husband and he explaine his lawyer cancelled his signing date and had to reschedule, AND… I’m seeing a therapist twice a week. Please give me 6 months? I told him absolutely not. We will remain friends, but no. Monday my lawyer got a letter from his stating due to his mental state he would not be signing for 6 months! I am CRUSHED!!!
    My point… I believed him, but I have been manipulated by him AGAIN!!! I did NOT see this one coming. Once again, HE is in control… It will never end. My lawyer said now, we take him to court, call family, friends, counsellors and therapists to trial and prove he is mentally unstable. This will cost me thousands of dollars I don’t have. Now what?
    I’m waiting until after the holidays to make a decision. He has called me and told me the ONLY way he will sign is if I see him again. I’ve told him no, blocked him from my phone and am back to no contact.
    DONT TRUST THEM!!! Or you WILL be hurt and angry at yourself. I KNEW about the problems. I met him, he went as far as having our divorce papers completed….I believed him. Now, those papers sit in the office and here I sit thinking I should have known better. Never EVER again.
    PLEASE DONT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOU. I believe it was a very calculated move on his part and I fell for it. They cannot be trusted! Year 31 and I am still married and HE is STILL controlling me.

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Thanks the advise

    Like

  24. I have just got’n out of (or should I escaping ) a female Npd person three year relationship and this article has helped me BIG time….thanx

    Like

  25. I am 10 years older than my old partner
    At first this person really sugar coated the age difference saying it wasn’t an issue and that I’d need to be a little understanding cause they were immature for their age.At first we were excited for the common interest of needing and desiring a healthy change,we both wanted recovery from drugs and alcohol.My new partner was rebounding from a relationship gone bad that had lasted two years.I had dated over the past 10 years but hadn’t met someone as interesting as this person.The relationship with this person was strained almost immediately cause of the partner previously they were with stayed around and played tricks , taking my licence plates,severing my tail lites,disconnecting my new friends battery several times at my residence.So I’m suspicious of my new partner their suspecious of me.So, arguments in tailed , emotions and the thought of a trusting relationship went south.We would try to convince each other how trustworthy each of us were, try to explain it off and have some more exciting bedroom time.My heart said,this isn’t going away but my need to be excepted and wanted at some cost was a price I would continue to pay as the weeks and months past.I found how really smart and evasive this person could be.Unavailable for reasonable communication,I all to often got chastised for wanting to much to soon,which seemed very much a legitimate gripe.So I tried to fill my days up being productive.I was then blamed for not paying enough attention to us.I invited my lover to a candle lite dinner at my house and was impolitely told that what I had prepared was fine but the plate lacked color.At this point our drinking wine and use of drugs were as offtrack to recovery as it could be.I was blamed for not taking them to a meeting previously scheduled and that I caused continued issues with using.This person was going to their friends partaking in alcohol and drug use then driving to my house.After 3 months had gone by the new partner that I found so exciting had become a problem I wasn’t ready for.I started walking on eggshells trying not to ask certain questions and overcome by some depressed feelings that we were failing I’d try to surprise them with some project I was starting- a garden or another special night at home cause they weren’t interested in going out.Sometimes I was just to tired but still tried to impress them only to find it wasn’t exciting enough.for them.

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  26. Hi i was involved with a nar for 2yrs Sept he and i got into it bcuz i caught hr cheating for the 2nd time long story short..i told him i was leaving he told me it wasn’t no 1else and he needed time and peace it happened on Fri went to go get the rest of my belongings on monday he threw my belongings start yelling cursing he had a woman in he had gotten married and now she is having a baby..he told me he was happy that his soul mate now i know its all lies ive been reading and researching and talking to a therapist it was a hard hit i was so hurt i cant even explain the hurt but im getting better with family therapist and prayer everyday gets better this people are not human they live on lies thank God im free!

    Like

  27. Bullshit

    Like

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