What to expect after the break-up with the narcissist

by After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life & Love on Wednesday, May 23, 2012 at 9:06pm ·

Exploring your new-found freedom from the dysfunctional relationship can be filled with anticipation and excitement. Likewise, it can be filled with  frustration, confusion, cynicism, ,and you’ll feel like you’re back on an emotional roller coaster!  What you are experiencing is a different sort of emotional struggle, i.e., remaining  low self-esteem, poor physical health,  hatred, unsuccessful dating and dating fear, level of cynicism towards the opposite sex is most likely at an unhealthy levels, etc.  So the basis of this article is to guide you though the realities of what to expect from yourself and your abuser post dissolution.

 

In the beginning.. “THE X”

 

By now you understand that your former spouse/ significant other’s personality disorder is a life long condition and will typically get worse as they age.

 

If you were fortunate enough to escape without children involved, then the necessity to utilize coping skills will be very temporary, because you truly have nothing that binds or commits one another.

 

Exceptions would be joint ownership of assets in an LTR Vs a Marriage.  Comparatively speaking, where post-dissolutions of marriage between two healthy personalities can work through issues, the unhealthy, high conflict personalities post dissolution always tend to remain in never-ending drama.

 

This is due in part to the healthy personality not establishing solid boundaries from their former abuser. As there is usually a healthy personality involved in such dysfunctional former relationships, then it’s a matter of emotional discipline, emotional maturity, and learning coping skills.

 

As the former victim/abused, you must learn to be disciplined for the sake of your future happiness. One of the main reasons why one becomes a victim of abuse is a lack of discipline where it concerns relationship boundaries. A person may recognize some of the relationship dysfunction early on, however, tends to ignore the traits and characteristics of their mate.

 

In essence, they are ignoring the boundaries that should have served them in the first place. Giving these emotional predators any “benefit of doubt” or “forgiveness”  is like giving them the rope to hang their victims. They prey on individuals that are forgiving, emotionally sound, and are romantics. It’s like “shooting fish in a Barrel” to them.

 

We’ve established that a former high conflict relationship without children, or investments is rather basic, you simply go “no contact.” This is not to say that it will be a “cake walk” in the beginning, because it will still require discipline. Everything still applies so pay close attention to detail.

 

Here is the scary part, it doesn’t matter if the relationship was for months or years, your abuser believes they will always “own” you, that they will always have control over you, till death do you part! Their arrogance precedes them and believe all that they considered close to them during their lifetime can still be manipulated despite time.

 

All the perceptions and attitudes when one is in the abusive relationship MUST CHANGE in order to detach from the abuser. In other words, what you thought and believed then most likely has been weakened therefore, you will have to develop new and stronger patterns of thinking in order to successfully detach.

 

So many times after such a relationship is over, we tend to open our “emotional door” once more and the madness begins once again. This enables your abuser rather than disarming them.  The intent may have been good, and they may have given you a convincing or plausible story unrelated to the relationship in order to communicate with you.

 

Giving the abuser a one inch crack in that emotional door is most certainly a mistake for they will take any opening that allows them to hurt you. Remember this too, successfully detaching will not  eliminate their behavior,because their dysfunctional traits and characteristics are virtually cast in stone.

 

They will not change. So the importance of being disciplined in forming new perceptions, and attitudes towards the former abuser will serve in protecting all that is meaningful in your life. Sticking to your guns will initially piss off your abuser, so expect some new craziness to happen.

 

Believe me, they will be digging deep into their “Bag of Tricks” to overcome their perceived perpetrator. Keep this in mind, they are capable of unimaginable and egregious behavior because your initiative of no contact has upset the very core of their being. Their nastiness can range from simple verbal attacks to being downright destructive. Do not underestimate them and be prepared for anything despite how well you think you may know them.

 

What the complete detachment and no contact process will create is and  ”out of sight, out of mind” condition whereby pattens of behavior will change if appropriate measures of action are solid on behalf of the healthy personality involved. Otherwise, it can continue to be a “hell on earth.” Yes, it is up to you, because you must remember, they will never change!

 

If you were in a relationship with an NPD, most likely they will move on much more quickly than a BPD. NPD’s are more hurtful and damaging during a relationship Vs the BPD, however, the BPD tends to continue their madness after the fact.  BPD’s, Histrionic’s, Bipolar’s, have a variation in presence of conscience and emotion, therefore they struggle between reality and their perceived world. Whereas, the NPD has no presence of conscience, hence their ability to move on and seek a new victim or supply.

 

In summary, expect some continued craziness in the beginning of a break up, given time though, it will subside to a more manageable  level.  Do not engage or provoke your former abuser in any way, you are now in control, not them. Truth and reality are your abuser’s enemies because it sends their egocentric core reeling out of control, so stick to less emotional situations and resolves.

 

This is one of the most important aspects of your abuser that you must remind yourself of each time they speak, “they are masters of manipulation for the sake of self, not you, and not the children.”

 

Be disciplined in mind and heart to understand, your former abuser cares about no one but themselves. Remember too, just when you think you’ve got them figured out, they throw a little deception, manipulation, a lie or two, and you are now pissed off!

 

Amazing how easy they get you right where they want you!  Do not allow them to engage you this way, you are the better person, shame on them for doing this to you, and next time you will be a little smarter, right!  Life is too short to allow others drama and dysfunction to affect those they don’t deserve to be with in the first place. Always put your “thinking cap” on and make sound judgments when communication with your former abuser is necessary.

  1. When a male ex always saying to me that we have history,pondering why he always saying that.

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  2. i have made my abuser the victim by continuing texting for some rare morsel of affection. The I love you too or good nights have become a sick refuge. I need to be in a secluded environment with no phones. I am a nurse and have worked with pysch pts. I know I am sickly addicted. Cant stop. How do you stop unconditional love,you cant or then it would be conditional.

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  3. Just got rid of my NBF, geesh I shoulda known better. Too bad I cannot leave his name here to warn you ladies off. He cannot be fixed, he beat me, (I fought back, something he was NOT expecting) called me names, and threatened my children and my life all while using the “club” he is in as intimidation. I know better than that the club he’s in wants nothing to do with having their name slandered by hurting a woman not a child, but never the less he uses their name to “enforce” his nastiness. I don’t hate him, I pity the women he tries to get in his trap. He uses them abuses them and they all live in fear of him. I ain’t running and my shotgun is loaded I’m more or less the “bring it or shut up type” good luck to you women and I wish you the best, leave that abusive asshole where you found him and find you a better man, (I already have and I adore the pedestal I am now being placed on) such a difference YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!! GOOD LUCK MY SISTERS. You deserve better! ❤️

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  4. I am currently going through a break up with a narc. This time it actually seems real. He doesn’t answer me anymore or respond to anything. I feel like he was never even in the relationship I was just a girl for the moment.The past few months have been the hardest for me because he goes one day with seeing me and gets what he wants then the next few days no contact. He blames me for everything negative in his life. He hates the fact that I work and go to school. My grandma and mom also have been really sick and he hasn’t been there for me anything that doesn’t have to do with him he leaves. He lets his roommate disrespect me and chooses everyone else over me. He humiliate me calling me every name in front of him kicks me out of his place in the middle of the night. He has left me stranded in the middle of nowhere. What was a big kick in the face was when I called him to tell him my grandma wasn’t going to make it through the night and I needed him I couldn’t deal with it and he told me I need to be there with my family and hung up and turned his phone off.He has hurt me in any way I can possible think of and I don’t know how to deal with this I really think I need professional help.

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    • You truly need to be stronger about yourself. He’s sick you need to disengage don’t answer him don’t call him. Why would you continue to allow him to degrade you. Look at yourself in the mirror and see how strong you are and act on it. These people are very sick minded manipulators. Run away change phone number. Disconnect totally. Now.

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  5. Hi I’ve read a lot about npd and I’ve been through it for 7 years I feel dead inside I’m still going through it finding it to hard to go I have two sgs with him because I can’t have kids they are like my babies but I have no whete to take them I could go back to my mums but what then I’m so stuck and reading these are helping me understand that he will never change he nearly snapped my back and attacked me again last night and this morning he’s busy with his shit . I’m having the silent treatment

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    • Wow. I’m horrified and angry when I hear my fellow woman feel so down and belittled by what I call the Narcbulley. Please please look into your inner self and say this is my life this is how I want to fulfill myself ?! NO. Make a plan and leave quick and quiet and do not engage with him ever again. Ever It’s easier than you think. Think of you what YOU need. You don’t need this crap step away. He will only get worse. You’re like fuel to his dysfunction don’t let him destroy you. You’re the victim now stand up for you. You would do this for your friend. Be you’re own best friend. I’m here as your friend. Get out away fast and don’t look back

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      • omg i habe tried and i am sick mentally never in my life and just got out of mental ward. I cant stop loving him dint know how to disconnect

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  6. They will make you feel insecure about everything. Not worthy and like everything is your fault. If you are in that kind of relationship, get out while you still have your sanity

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    • I have also just been “shafted” by a NPD after a 5 year relationship with promises and promises and promises of marriage, this that and the other which turned out to be a bunch of lies for her own self-pleasure.
      Then suddenly in bed with an old “friend” and I must “move on”. they are cruel, no conscience and mean and degrading in a fight. My heart feels ripped out and spat upon!
      But they ALL CRASH sometime. Friends gone, finances gone, all gone. Too late then to face reality?
      Reuben

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  7. I was with my N for 7 months, i broke up yesterday.

    Ive experienced a horrible break up before after finding out my husband of 6 years was cheating for the last 2. Ive done healing for 2 years after and random dates but as im 28 now i wanted something serious because i dream of a family and dont want to waste any more time.

    We met on a dating site, he was 4 years younger. Still he was everything i dreamed of and talked and looked exactly like the man i would want to spend te rest of my life with and he wanted a family too! I actually wanted an older man but my older ex husband was a immature douche too so maybe it doesnt mather? And i look a bit younger to so i went for it.

    The start was so nice we talked every day and night about everything. He was so understanding and passionate and open minded and so empathic and sensitive like me! He wasnt afraid to show emotions and was complimenting me always.

    When we met after 2 months of speaking everyday, we hit it of right away.
    I fell hard, so hard. He was so handsome and our chemistry was so good. He was the one i wanted to do share my days with.
    The first month was so magical.
    He treated me like a princess and was always there for me and so open and loving. He even introduced me so proudly to his mom which i thought was a little soon, but hey my love glasses made everything romantic. Ive never met a guy who adored me this much!

    After 2 months my friends and family started missing me and i felt like ive been neglecting them so I decided to spend more time with them again. …
    This is where it started.

    He became jealous of everyone else i would spend time with. Stalked me like crazy whenever i was with my parents and wanted proof pictures of where i was.
    He got mad when a random old male friend of 10 years texted me he was happy for my new relationship. He thought he was sarcastic and knows men, this friend wanted me so he forbid me to contact him. Blindly in love i accepted like a fool.

    He noticed he could manipulate me. He started acting really sad and damaged and told me terrible things about his childhood. I felt so bad for him and wanted nothing than to show him what real love felt like and fix him.. (classic mistake) and i starting accepting more and more jealous controlling behaviour out of pity.

    I couldnt go out anymore with friends because in his eyes people would only go out to find sex or cheat.. I fought him on this trying to explain i was just having fun with the girls and that i would never cheat after what ive been through i think its disgusting low to cheat so i am always loyal! He started about his exes saying the same and still cheatin on him. He was crying and screaming and making me feel guilty and like i was a whore if i wanted to go out so he would leave me because who wants a partying whore? Again like a fool i agreed to never go out since i only go like once every 2 months.

    He then started complaining whenever i planned anything without him so i could not even see my girls at their homes which gave me problems with them too. It hurt me so much but i still chose too stand by him.

    I gave him my everything, my body, soul, heart, let him stay in my house. But he wouldnt leave anymore. I started to become exhausted because he was always around me with his adhd too he is such and intense person to be around.
    He got bored quicker and started searching for drama more often like he was addicted to it and couldnt stand me being at peace and calm all the time.
    He started fights about nothing and everything, he drove me insain pushing my buttons trying to get me to cry or get angry so his ego could feel satisfied and important again. He switched from super angry to super loving daily over time and ive had enough.

    I was living on eggshells, everything i said to confront him with his behaviour resulted into one big explosion with him yelling and crusing and vicious words turning everything around on me and calling me a bordeline bitch and whore daily. The neighbours complained they would call the cops if it continued and i was so ashamed an afraid. When I begged him to leave my house he would refuse. He started cursing at me that i wasnt loving him enough and that im a bad girlfriend and its all my fault while i did everything for this guy, gave all my time and energy and love. Started blackmailing me that he would yell if i asked him to go so the cops would come when he know i fear this.

    I felt like a hostage who couldnt speak in my own house. The stress of bottling everything up but still trying to act genuinly loving towards him made me so torn, i thought i was going crazy at times.

    I was done and shut down and went cold and depressed. I started to want to hurt him so bad for breaking me down like this, he had to go. He ignored me for days playing video games while i was just crying in bed. When he finally left in a rage i cried even more days in bed.

    He bombed me with love texts trying to get me back. He acted like the man again who i fell in love with and he was so sorry for everything and would seek help for his anger and would do anything for me since we were meant to be. He couldnt do without me and promised to change for the better, he even got me a diamond ring and bracelet. He wrote me poems and got me flowers and told me name ideas for our future kids. He was so sweet so i fell again.. I know im a fool.

    It was such a mistake.
    Very quickly it got even worse than ever before. He was so insecure and jealous i had to over explain everything and he would always rationalize everything by acting like a victim and confuse me with guilt so i would shut up. The world owed him, everyone fucked him over and he was a god and worshiped the devil. He started threatening with suicide if i left him. He said i gave him and his mom so much stress they were sick while my body couldnt take the stress and guilt anymore. My hair started to fall out and my arm is numb from tension in neck i got so depressed and cried everyday. I dont even regocnize the person i see in the mirror with the always red puffy eyes and fatigued look.

    Everytime i tried to communicate about my unhappy feelings in a civil way he would deny, deflect, turn it around to avoid any responsibilty or just ignore or stonewall me for hours or days and send his mom to contact me and tell me how much he loves me and wants no one else.
    I told her if he would just act normal and communicate calmly with me there would be no problem. She would calm him and act like i should just put up with the agression if i truly loved him or stop wasting his time 😡 i guess hypocrite runs in the family.

    I felt so stuck, what do i do? I was too ashamed to tell anyone from my side how bad it was because i loved him and didnt want to make him look bad in their eyes or me like a naive weak foolish woman. He already had my heart and i didnt want to go through the whole heartbreak, being a bitter single thing again.

    But, 3 days ago we got in a huge fight.
    It was a build up of small things combined which where never resolved because of the lack of being able to communicate.

    He said i wasnt loving enough anymore while he was doing everything. I said he was right and im sorry but i just cant when i feel this disrespected, low and underappreciated. I did change and became cold and sometimes even mean myself because he brought it out of me.
    I said maybe its better if we break up and work on our selves because were clearly not ready for a healthy relationship.

    He snapped. He started yelling and cursing and crying and said he’d kill himself. He went in a rage started shaking and pulling out his own hair, and hitting his head and around him, i got 2 elbows in my ribs. I fell, He didnt chek on me but instead went to inhale deodorant and put a knife on his throat. Like wtf..

    I was in shock so i didnt respond and he bluffed with it so many times before. I decided to stay strong and stand my ground and not act too emotional.
    I wanted to light a sigaret to chill and grabbed a lighter of the table. It was his lighter. He got so mad i took his lighter he grabbed my hand and started crushing it.
    I felt so afraid and mad and hopeless and tormented terrorised and abused and small after all the patience i had with this man, i snapped. It shocked me too but,
    I slapped him flat in the face.

    He stopped and started laughing real psychotically.
    His face and voice changed and he was just laughing so scary evil like he was waiting for this moment all along.
    He said he finally had proof that im the psychotic bitch he always claimed me to be. He said he would call the cops on me and would see me in court and i would lose everything. He would have the world know what an abusive psycho bitch i was and i would never have a job ever again. I would never see my little niece again since i cant control myself. He would have my dog of 10 years and cat of 5 taken away from me as i was an unfit person to take care of anything since i have anger problems and no control.
    Ive never hurt anyone ever before in my life!

    He then went on using all my worst fears against me even when i was in a panic attack begging him to leave.
    He said that every insult i ever got i deserved and i even deserved my ex cheating on me.
    I am a discusting useless animal and a crazy abusive witch who seduces men and ruins their lives and it is his mission to stop me and save the world of my psycho whore ways.

    he left after saying real happy to my dog; ‘byee babyy, and say goodbye too mommy soon too! You wont be seeing her ever again haha’..

    Now he’s trying to contact me like crazy saying he’s sorry and would never do any of that, he was bluffing because i hurt him and if WE just acted normal it would be so great. I just needed to have more patience and love. Again its me, not him.. The sweet manipulation makes me ever more sick than the angry manipulation kind.

    Im fed up with the Jeckyll and Hyde shit.
    Loves me, than hates me.
    Is so sorry, than its all my fault again.
    Want to kill himself, than will better himself.
    Wants only me, than will find a good woman who will treat him well.
    Wants to seek help, than i need help!

    I feel like i cant tell him anything anymore since it will be used against me. What scared me of the most is the threats about my dog since he is my life. What if god forbid we ever have kids? He would try to take them away from me too and a family with a petty vengefull person like that, who will use or put up children against their other parent when things dont work out, is my absolute worst nightmare. Let alone if our kids would be like him yelling and cursinf at me because daddy does it?
    Gives me the chills just thinking about it..

    I am so confused and frustrated i cant deal with this anymore im exhausted and i feel like the biggest fool ever! I just want a sane loyal man to start a family and be happy. Why do good sensitive women always attract parasites and psycho’s?!
    Sorry for the long story i could go on for days. All the stories helped me. I never wish this on anyone but glad im not alone!

    I pray for the strenght to resist him as i still love him with my foolish heart.
    Listen to walk away from xtina everyday.
    I wish i never met him.

    But atleast we got good hearts ourselves ladies. Much support and love. Lissa.

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    • Lissa, thank you for your story! It felt like mine, unless for the living together part, as we are in a LDR with my narc and have spent only holidays together so far. All I want is to recover. And to be sure my partner lets me go… or to be able to move on despite this whining of starting all over again. Hope you are out of your hell. May angels help all of us.

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  8. Please someone tell me to remain in NO CONTACT. I have such moments of weakness where I feel like I am hurting because I miss him. It that crazy? Of course, my logical thinking is saying why would I want to see or speak to him, I just feel so broken. It has only been a week since I walked away. How do you stay strong? I want to move on with my life…. I just have moments where I begin questioning myself. What if I am wrong. What this..what that… please somebody. My family tell me to move on but I can’t expect them to understand how they get into your head away and under skin. I feel broken. I can’t pull myself together. Fall asleep crying. Walk up crying. How do you explain this to some one who hasn’t experienced these people and what they do to you. It so difficult.

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    • Alina Lockhoff

      No Comtact.

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    • Trudy mitchell

      im with you so,sorry im no help

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    • Hi Pia,

      I am going through this right now. I moved out yesterday totally for the second time but this time its for good. I’ve been in this relationship for almost 4 yrs and of course at first it was great but there were def red flags I ignored never again. I am sad depressed and broken but I will not go back. His verbal abuse is unforgiveable not to mention one night of physical abuse and because he was drunk I went back to him because he was so sorry which is another quality of there’s they never apologize and think we are needy and crazy and too emotional. I have a very strong support group of friends and as hard as it will be I am done. you need to be done too. life is way too short. you wont be alone forever. I say better to be alone than feel alone and miserable in a relationship. good luck

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    • Hi Pia
      I was in exactly the same place as you just over a year ago. 5 years of up and down emotional upheaval, break up back together break up back together. Breaks were always around 2 months and then he’d be back saying how much he missed me loved me and I’d fall for it every time because I was completely hooked and wanted to believe him. I was in love. Every time I went back his behaviour never changed. In fact, he treated me in a way that was punishing me for leaving him. The little voice in my head kept saying ‘Get out! Get out!’ And then I would leave again and the cycle continued. This constant turmoil was beginning to affect my health physically and psychologically. I became so desperate I decided to see a psychic. Just had to know what the hell was going on. Well, it turns out he had been cheating on me and lying to me the entire time. Everything was a lie. Suddenly it all made sense and I knew st that moment that I would NEVER go back. I sent him a very blunt and direct message, blocked him from my phone and deleted every photo text and email. It felt good! Such unbelievable freedom. The psychic warned me he would return, and has, more than once, confessing his love and how he wants to be friends. I found it insulting and as much as I would have loved to have told him to F off I have not replied, not once. Anything one says will give them their fix. It’s the best thing I ever did as I am now the healthiest I have been in years. It takes awhile as you remain angry, frustrated, hurt and confused for a long time. But each day gets a little easier. The dysfunction of the relationship becomes your normal and you forget what normal really is. They are manipulate, abusive psychopaths who will never change. Get out now so you can begin your life. You are the healthy personality, like me – the type they prey on. Don’t allow him to destroy that.
      Good luck 😉

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    • I feel your pain do much I have been to hell but slowly you will see the light it will be a struggle to get back to the person you once were .I was in a relationship with a Narc for 6yrs and over that time he slowly wore me down with his rages silent treatment and many other cruel ways of manipulation .It was been 2mths since I was discarded going No Contact is the only way to survive get the help you need and remember you will heal in time but he will always remain a disgusting manipulating game playing Snake …sending you Love X

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  9. That was some story JJ. I’m continually shocked by narcs behavior. My BF researches and has extensive knowledge of personality disorders. Early on in the love bomb stage, I met up w/an old BF that had dwindled to a friendship only. We met for a beer. I let him know I met someone new, gave him back his T-shirts and gave a friendly kiss goodnight. This was something my new BF narc would never let me live down. About a month later, that same friend invited me to a BBQ. It came out in conversation and BF was enraged that he was not invited, too, even though I politely declined. My new relationship was only about ) weeks old so I thought it was pretty normal that I had loose ends to tie up. But this incident resurfaced with every argument for the next year and a half. He became enraged if I couldn’t answer a call, if he didn’t know where I was, if I didn’t call him every morning on the way to work, on my lunch hour and when I went to my car after work. He accused me of having a fan club at the gym. When I went to visit my GF down the shore, he drove down to meet us. I didn’t mindbut my GF thought this was an invasion of her time. I just wanted to reassure him so I told him to come down. He left after mid-night. My GF had friends stop over for a late night swim. I completely avoided that situation by going to bed and talking on the phone to BF for his whole drive home. When I woke up the next morning he sent several texts that I missed because I was still sleeping. He was furious. As I drove home, I did not accept his phone calls because I didn’t feel his nasty messages were justified. He showed up in my driveway crying and apologizing. I felt terrible and comforted him. At no time in the relationship did I give him any reason to feel insecure about my commitment level. One night as we sat in the diner, my ex husband sent me a love song while my phone was in BFs hand. Again, he became furious but the song was an unsolicited surprise. My ex still had feelings for me but we broke up due to his substance abuse. As a result of his addiction, he not only lost me but also lost his job and was unable to support our kids. He really struggled with his losses and BF tore him apart constantly. BF also borrowed a large sum of money behind my back. And when I finally found out, he apologized and said he’d pay back every time, I said I needed time to think about things. A few days later, I calmly approached the topic and how I felt betrayed.. He took the stance of being angry with me! And went on about how much better he is than my ex.

    He insisted that I needed to see a therapist because I had daddy issues. I did go see his therapist but not for daddy issues. I felt that he was misrepresenting me to the therapist so in my opinion she was unable to give him the right guidance. He accused me of being a narc myself and she said clearly I was not. i don’t think he liked that answer and a few months later he stopped seeing her. I don’t know if my visit influenced that.

    Things got progressively worse. I painted a portrait of his face on a large homemade Valentine’s Day card. He accused me of doing that just to show off my talent and look for compliments. He bought me a sexy négligée and then accused me of feeling sexy. He became verbally abusive. When our one year anniversary came, on the tail of the money matter, I just wasn’t feeling up to planning the perfect gift. And he said he didn’t want to spend money anyway. So I bought small token gifts. He had given me an expensive watch and a beautiful gold necklace. He didn’t say much that night but I could see in his expression over dinner that he was stewing. The next day he went to the store to price check what I bought him. I was flabbergasted. He started to nit-pick my kids, watch what they were eating and assessing their behavior. He eventually called me unthinkable names and said he hated my kids. He tried to convince my mother and my sister that I had borderline personality disorder and that an intervention was necessary. He also started to put down my sister’s parenting to my mother in a private text that she was not included in and went on to say all the things he does for his own kids.

    My ex didn’t pay child support for a very long time. He doesn’t have wifi or cable where he lived because he can’t afford it. He basically lives in one room and it’s really a bore for the kids to go. The younger ones like to go but my oldest, 16, really fights me about going and I understand why. But BF thinks I should force him to go so we can have ‘alone’ time. I did make them go on many occasions but then there wound be done argument with BF anyway and he would cancel our plans. So I spend many Saturday night alone in the house and the kids were out unwillingly. I started to question myself about why I was bending over backwards for this guy that was treating me so poorly and I stopped forcing them to go. BF doesn’t have his own place. He had been living with his brother and sister-in-law since his divorce. He said he could get his own place if he didn’t have yo pay me back every month, as if that was somehow my fault.

    I explained that if he wanted private time, he should get his own place and I would visit. Luckily for us, I had a place for us to hang out but if he wanted to be alone, why is it solely on me to provide a place? We discussed living together but he wanted his monthly payment to earn him equity in the house. I thought this was completely unfair. I looked it up online and read that if your partner wants equity in your house, they should buy half the house from you. If they are unable to do that, they just pay rent. That seemed completely logical to me. Otherwise, his monthly payment was going into a private savings account for him and he expected he’d get money back if we split.

    He did steadily paid me back in monthly payments. But if he needed an in between loan, he would become angry if I didn’t have money to lend him. After he said he hated my kids, I was so mad and hurt and I told him I didn’t have a place in my life for him anymore. He became very apologetic and told me he can’t live without me, etc. He asked if he could take the kids and I to dinner. I declined. So he texted the kids directly and they all accepted the invitation. I told him it really wasn’t necessary to spend all that money considering his financial situation, but he insisted. When we sat down at a table, he guided the kids to pricey steak choices unbeknownst to them or to me because I wasn’t looking at the menu. I ordered only an appetizer.

    The next day he wanted me to go to his daughter’s band competition. I declined. I had not yet met his kids since he was freshly divorced and I didn’t think it was a good idea for me to go considering that the relationship was so unstable. This made him very mad and he group texted my mother and sister that I refused to go to band competition but that I found him good enough to spend time with the night before and he accused my kids of ordering the most expensive thing on the menu. Every time he told a story, he put a distorted twist on it. He had his friends convinced I was a pshyco.

    I refused to get back together but he was so persistent in his efforts. I lost the feeling I had for him and I told him I needed time to see if those feeling would come back. He insisted on seeing me every day. I finally said let’s see each other once or twice a week. I thought that was I’d have some healing time and we could see about continuing the relationship. It was right before the holidays which is a really difficult time for a breakup. We made it through the holidays and before the end of the month, I invited him over for a nice quiet night. We had a nice time and he stayed over. The next morning he offered to bring me coffee in bed and after he left, I texted him that I had a nice time and I think it’s ok if we don’t always agree. He said he also had a nice time and some things need to be worked on. We didn’t say when that conversation would occur, but later that night, out of nowhere, he swirled an argument up from dust. The argument lasted for five full days until at the end of the last day he said he wanted a quiet break and he went on to say I deserve everything I get.

    It was very helpful for me to write this all down. It has so much more impact when I read it in black and white. If anyone has any comments or insight on this, please share.

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  10. I so appreciate all of the sharing of stories. I’ve been online for a couple of weeks reading every last thing. I thought maybe if I purge my story, I can finally stop obsessing.

    I was single for over a decade. The man I was with prior to that was an N, although I didn’t know that term until recently. We have a child together and I was thankful when he was grown so I could establish No Contact. My son has also implemented NC for the last several years. But my story isn’t about him.

    The time that I was single (not even dating) was the happiest of my life. I built a very close relationship with my children, family and friends. I worked my way up from a $10 an hour employee to a 6 figure salary, with only a GED in my pocket. I bought a house, took great kid & adult vacations, met my friends for fun, and generally had a low-stress life that focused on the positive.

    Then I came across an old BF on FB. We’d lived together for a few months when we were 18. It had ended badly, but we were damaged kids and I always wondered if I’d been to quick to break up with him back then. The one photo that I had of us, he was gazing at me like I was the most amazing thing since sliced bread. I had matured and changed so much over the last 3 decades, and I figured he had to. I sent him a message asking how he had been and what he’d been up to. I was feeling bold (as I’m not a flirt, at all), so I mentioned that he was still cute and asked if he was single.

    Within 5 minutes I received 7 back to back messages. He called me sweetie several times while telling me how happy he was to hear from me. I was a bit overwhelmed, but flattered. He called and we talked on the phone for hours. Looking back, I realize that he did 90% of the talking. He told me that he had a house in a refurbished area of the city, he’d dedicated himself to raising his 2 (now adult) children as a single father, he saved lives for a living, rents his basement out to a family that ended up homeless and is generally a happy, fun-loving guy.

    Now let me break down the real meaning of all of that.

    He told me that he had a house in a refurbished area of the city – He does live in that area. In one of the old, run down, filthy houses that needs to be leveled. At first I was led to believe that he owned it, then just rented it, then find out that he’s on government subsidized housing.

    he’d dedicated himself to raising his 2 (now adult) children as a single father – he’s never been single for more than a week in his adult life. Sure the women weren’t the kids biological mother, but they were living with him and taking care of his kids. The older child fled to her biological mom when she was 6. Supposedly because she hated the woman he was with, for no reason at all. 24 years later, he still blames his daughter for abandoning him and thinks that he played no part in her desire to leave (and have almost nothing to do with him for the rest of her life).The other child stayed with him. He is an absolute mess, who found himself charged with the molestation of his own 1/2 sister at age 14. Later the N tells me he actually has 7 children. 4 of whom were given up for adoption and non of whom have anything to do with him.

    He saved lives for a living, – He drove a tow truck part time, considers towing people stranded on the highway, as a heroic act that saved their life

    rents his basement out to a family that ended up homeless – this was true. But he didn’t do it because he’s kind or charitable. He always has that basement rented out to someone. Between the section 8 housing and the roommates, he makes money off that place. Which he needs because he rarely keeps a job for more than a few weeks at a time.

    Is generally a happy, fun-loving guy. – not even close. He is negative, judgmental, bigoted, prejudice and believes that the entire world has screwed him over.

    I went to his house the first night. He met me at my car and gave me a huge bear hug and told me that I was still so beautiful. He is a decent looking man (although short, bald & lots of body hair), but it was the way he gazed into my eyes that hooked me. So much so, that by the time I entered his filthy little house, I already had my blinders on.

    He said that his ex was lazy & a lousy housekeeper and now that she was gone, he would clean it up and make it perfect, which was his usual living style. I kind of wondered why he hadn’t done that in the 2 months since she’d been gone and why it was her sole responsibility to clean the place, but I let it go. Later I found out that she had left him only a week before and that he does as little as possible around the house.

    He gave me a big sob story about how his ex never worked, used him for money, treated him like crap, etc. after he’d given her such a great life. He had his roommates confirm to me that he was not the asshole in the situation, multiple times. I ate it up. It wasn’t until he started to fall out with those roommates over trivial little things, then quickly kicked them out, that I realized that they agreed with his version of events with the ex because they didn’t want to piss off their landlord.

    He bragged about how lucky he was and how people always give him special treatment. He showed me a couple of thousand dollars he had in his pocket and carried on about how good he is at managing money (he’d won it at a casino the previous weekend). How he got everything he wanted and at a better price than anyone else (now I know it is so embarrassing when he gives the guy at the tire shop a huge sob story and begs to save a few bucks!!). Or maybe free, from one of his rich “friends” (people he worked for that gave him stuff they didn’t want anymore).

    I could go on about all of the giant red flags of that first night, but it would take forever, and I ignored them all in favor of enjoying the major love bomb he was throwing at me. He was holding my hand, kissing me passionately, complimenting the hell out of me, making me feel all giddy like a teenager.

    We spent every available moment together and by day 3, we started having sex, which he’d been pushing for from the 1st night. He wanted to do it 4-5 times a day. He said he needed it often because he never masturbated. I didn’t really believe that and, even if it were true, who the hell jerks off 4-5 times a day? After we had sex a few times and he questioned if I had an orgasm. I told him no. He said that every woman (not some, all) he’d ever been with had an orgasm every time they had intercourse, and all it took was a few minutes of his magic dick in them. I said that was utterly impossible. That very few women achieve orgasm without clitoral stimulation. He didn’t believe me and tried to make it out like I must have some sexual problem, so I pulled it up on the internet. He was a little shocked, but stood by his claim that they could not have possibly been faking it. He prides himself on being a great lover, so he learned how to please me, like no other man ever has. After the first time he brought me to orgasm, and saw how a women reacts when she’s truly at her peak, he looked at me and said, “maybe they were all faking it”. I was thankful, when a few weeks into our relationship, he stopped trying to impress that he was manly and young enough to have sex 4-5 times a day and went to once every day or two routine. The sex remained phenomenal throughout. He always said he loved every inch of my body and nothing about me was a turn off (he even insisted on going down on me while I was on period and licking my butthole). When I broke up with him last week, for the first time ever, he said I was fat and disgusting and would never find another man to fuck my blubber body. He’s apologized over and over and said he didn’t mean it, but I could, and would, never let him touch me again.

    The love bomb hit a bit of a snag 4 weeks into our relationship. I took him with me on a business trip and paid for everything. He whined and complained and fought with me the whole week. I was gone all day working and he was miserable without any attention. On the last day, we did a tourist activity and had a decent time. That is the only day he chooses to remember, so he says we had a fantastic time.

    When we got home, the love bombing continued, but it was starting to be mixed with more of his true colors showing. 2 weeks later I went on a trip with some friends. It had been planned before I got together with my N. He wanted to come with me, but I hedged by saying it was too late to get him a flight. We talked daily and I missed him. When I got back, he said that he never wanted to be without me again and asked me to marry him. I said yes.

    He moved into my house (kept his welfare paid house & rented it out). We agreed that I would cook and he would do the dishes. I would do the laundry and he would do the yard work. He was unemployed, and said he didn’t have much money to contribute, but he’d be my “house-husband”. He did almost nothing. I worked, cooked, cleaned, waited on him, paid all the bills, paid for everything we did and had etc. Then he would complain that I didn’t have enough time for him and that he was so stressed because he always had so much to do (his to do list included things like take a shower & trim his facial hair).

    I told him that he needed to get a job. He did, several times, but there was always a problem. At first he’d brag about how much they loved him and treated him special because he was such an awesome worker. But after 2 weeks or so, he’d say they didn’t respect him, he worked so hard & they didn’t see it, etc. Then he would quit and be unemployed for a couple of months. He always claimed that he would be so successful if someone would just give him a break. He wanted me to finance a business that we could run together. He said if it was our business, he would be so dedicated and so good at it because he was such a good business man. Thank goodness I had already realized that he didn’t even have what it takes to deliver pizza.

    The love bomb phase truly died out after I asked him for a prenup. He was so offended. He said it was unfair that I wanted him to give up his welfare housing, but I wasn’t going to put his name on my house. That if I really loved him, I would want to make sure he was taken care of. That put our rushed wedding plans on hold. I was a sucker and gave up too much of myself and my generosity, but I take a different stance when it impacts the future of my kids.

    My life continued to revolve around him and his needs. He was still affectionate most of the time, but only if I initiated. He no longer kissed me beyond a peck and he no longer stared into my eyes lovingly. He belittled my success and anything good that came my way. He acted cold and distant to my family & friends. He didn’t care if I was happy and fulfilled. As long as he was, that was supposed to be enough for me. He wanted everything his way. If I disagreed, I was selfish and didn’t love him. If I had an opinion that didn’t match his or tried to make him see logic, I was picking him apart.

    I told him many times that I was unhappy and what I needed. He promised and then never came through. When I broke up with him, he acted as if it was the first time I was telling him this stuff. He begged for chance to correct it. I told him I’d given him many, many chances. He retaliated by getting very, very nasty and calling me all kinds of names. 10 minutes later, he was crying and telling me he couldn’t live without me. For the next few days, he went back and forth between calling me garbage and saying I ruined his life, to calling me the love of his life and the best thing that ever happened to him. This was all in text, as I refused to answer the phone. When I finally caved and answered the phone, it was more Jekyll and Hyde.

    The texts continued. He has finally been hateful enough and hurt me enough, that it killed my love for him. My final text before I blocked his number said “fuck off and die”. It felt great and I meant it 🙂

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    • wow!!! Yours was not a covert narc but I’m so glad you got the last word. I couldn’t. I dream of it but it’s probably never going to happen. After nearly 20 yrs together and married for 12 the N is with a new supply and has not looked back in 4 yrs. Sometimes I wonder if I dreamed the whole thing? It’s hard to be in a relationship with such disordered people and there is so much cognitive dissonance…especially with a covert N. He definitely ruined but it could have been worse. He could have killed me. I believe he was slowly poisoning me and was not successful. I thought he was the love of my life but more like the nightmare of my life.

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  11. I met him while I was breaking up with someone else and he seen the signs all of them…my compassion, live my forgiving nature and he knew I would be his perfect victim how sad cuz I am a good person and didn’t need or deserve it . What a predater he was and is . Joseph Arellano…stay awY from him

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  12. My NPD heard I was in ill health and started emailing me. It didn’t take 3 days and I had to call the ambulance due to what I thought was a heart attack. My T waves were abnormal on the EKG which could have been myocardial ischemia. I was quick to down a lot of baby aspirin. I was released from trauma care chest pain unknown cause.

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  13. My relationship w my narcissist ended only last week… And it was everything described the first day and a half… But then something beautiful happened… the relationship ended because I found out he not only was sleeping with someone else, he had started a whole new relationship behind my back, while still telling me he loves me and “doesn’t even want anyone else” ..initially I was angry with her and I sent her a few less that civil messages. . Which she returned in kind. And the heartache and the empty, sinking, desperate feelings were indescribable. I kept seeing flashes of them together, of him saying all the things he said to me..to her..it was torture.
    But in the middle of all that… I realized that SHE didn’t do this to me…HE did this to US… And when I thought about what she was about to go through..i felt ….well…. empathy.
    So I reached out to her… this is what I said:

    I realize that L*M*X did this to me… Not u.. but believe me when I say… You will be in my place one day. He is a broken soul. It’s not his fault, but that doesn’t make it any easier to endure. I’m guessing you’re probably a pretty kind-hearted.. Empathetic kinda person. He needs that to “survive”. He will feed on your good intentions and desire to make him happy.. Make him feel loved… If u don’t run for your life when it starts… he will practically destroy u from the inside out. When things seem fine and suddenly hes unnecessarily angry over very little or even NOTHING… His arguments are completely irrational.. He’s turning EVERYTHING u say back onto u… He’s accusing you of things he’s doing or done… saying he doesn’t know what you’re talking about or he doesn’t remember when u bring up something he doesn’t have a lie for…. and NOW I know…
    IF u generally do most of your daily things together… And u start to notice more and more… He says
    **”I’ve got sh*t to do”** and leaves you behind more and more….
    ** IT’S BECAUSE HE’S SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND YOU WILL THEN BE IN MY PLACE.**
    he’s amazing at imitating emotions he’s never felt… to make u feel like it’s straight out of a fairytale… To good to be true. Hell say all the things you’ve always wanted to hear. . But I promise you… He doesn’t know HOW to feel those things. U can take what I’m saying into consideration… Or you can shrug it all off… but either way you’ll eventually know exactly what I’m talking about if u stay with him long enough. There’s no happy ending with him…and you… Or me… Or anyone else.
    Do yourself a favor and RUN… But i know you won’t. I didn’t. But no one told me. You might want to start reading up on NPD.. Or you can learn the hard way… Like I did.
    I don’t know you. .. So I can’t hate you. I apologize for shit b4. Emotional pain on that level sorta trumps rational thought.
    So now all I can do to try to start healing… is at least try to “make peace” with you… whether you accept it or not..I did what I could…
    And pass on what I’ve learned ..through suffering i never thought possible w out physical injury… In the hopes that maybe it will save you from having to go through what I did… by the time I understood the issue… it was too late for me to walk away.
    And The world has enough hate and misplaced anger…
    good luck… you’ll need more than that if your going to “be” with him. U ever need advice Or someone who’s been there… Hit me up.✌

    My only intension was to warn her and hopefully ease my own pain by removing at least a little of the hatred.
    And she messaged me back.. though a bit skeptical. But she immediately had questions about things he had been doing, so we started to talk. Over the next 2 days she VERY QUICKLY saw that I knew what I was talking about, and she walked away from him too!
    I didn’t think there was any way to get under a narcissists skin..to “get them back” for the pain they caused… but I just found it.
    Because he went from thinking he’s a big man with 2 girlfriends, to thinking he’s a big man with 2 girls fighting over him… to NO girls even answering the phone… and suddenly..with no back up…he’s become the one desperate for a reply…for some compassion… it’s beautiful. Mostly because it was unintentional…but now hes the one (emulating) hurt… kicked his legs right out from under him. And the feeling of empowerment and taking back control of your own emotions… Having the upper hand for the first time since you met them… is almost like a high.
    “Showing empathy will destroy an enemy and leave a friend in its place”
    She and I have hung out together every day since. And we promised each other to stay honest about interactions we may have w him … Because if we do that he can’t manipulate us.

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  14. 20 roller coaster months with a narc.i found him cheating and have gone no contact. i had researched for months suspecting something was really not right about him. when i broke it off i began to put my car in the garage as i had become aaware of his spiteful childish behaviour.two nights ago after meeting up with old friends for a coffe i came back and didnt garage the car.he cut the fuel pipe that night…..protect your property and yourself,they are unimaginably evil and when i went back over the 20 months it dawned on me sickeningly that he had set out to destroy me from the start. i had loved him so much but realise the HIM i fell in love with was not a real person…the real one really is pure evil.if you have discovered your with one …leave and NEVER go back.i went back many times and now wish i had stayed gone .

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  15. I was just contacted by my X NPD after almost 2 years!! I saw his number come up on my phone and I was shocked and part of me honestly wanted to talk to him!! NO!! I wouldn’t pick up! I did text him and ask why he was calling!!?? That was also a wrong move!! He didn’t answer, so I thought he was done! Two days later he called again and it was 7 times early morning!! I mistakenly answered and when I realized it was him I hung up. He called me again and I text him a ??…that was all he needed to fuel his sadistic narcissistic personality!! He asked me if I wanted to get naughty?! And a tongue sticking out emogi! Which was insulting even coming from his disgusting self-righteous immoral self!! I told him NO!! I told him to be faithful to his girl..Then he said, ” Oh shit wrong number!” I therefore replied, “That’s right!”…But as you can see, the NO CONTACT RULE APPLIES!!
    It didn’t do me any good to answer..they are master manipulators ONLY if YOU LET THEM!! No contact will piss them off and keep the ball in your court!!
    Stay strong!! These guys DO NOT change! The only change they’ll make is to become more evil, manipulative and destructive until someone dies along the way!!
    Don’t be the victim!!
    Be a survivor!!

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  16. I was in a relationship for about 4 months. Thought, “finally, someone who loves me the way I love them” I was going to marry this guy, although it seemed so quick and rushed, I was so in love and happy. Then the day before he tells me hes not ready to get married, which I was ok with that, thinking that we were rushing and didnt need to. we continued the relationship but he started to pull away and everything started changing. I asked him to move out of my house, he acted like he was hurt but still continued to pull away. I found out I was pregnant, he acted like he was so happy that I was, then I lost the baby and he wasn’t there for me and his lame excuse was just that he didn’t trust me and didn’t want to argue so he stayed away from me while I was dealing with the miscarriage. We have been going back and forth for the past month and a half. He will text me being a jerk then will try to apologize and try to make me feel sorry for what I say. I just don’t want to be depressed anymore. I am trying my hardest to go back to being myself and not feel sad. I am more sad about the miscarriage and the fact that he wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most, but I don’t know how to stop feeling the sadness. I know my relationship wasn’t long but it doesn’t hurt any less.

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  17. I was in a relationship for about 4 months. Thought, “finally, someone who loves me the way I love them” I was going to marry this guy, although it seemed so quick and rushed, I was so in love and happy. Then the day before he tells me hes not ready to get married, which I was ok with that, thinking that we were rushing and didnt need to. we continued the relationship but he started to pull away and everything started changing. I asked him to move out of my house, he acted like he was hurt but still continued to pull away. I found out I was pregnant, he acted like he was so happy that I was, then I lost the baby and he wasn’t there for me and his lame excuse was just that he didn’t trust me and didn’t want to argue so he stayed away from me while I was dealing with the miscarriage. We have been going back and forth for the past month and a half. He will text me being a jerk then will try to apologize and try to make me feel sorry for what I say. I just don’t want to be depressed anymore. I am trying my hardest to go back to being myself and not feel sad. I am more sad about the miscarriage and the fact that he wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most, but I don’t know how to stop feeling the sadness. I know my relationship wasn’t long but it doesn’t hurt any less.

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  18. Mine was very clever, he was always there, always texting nice stuff. I fed his ego, but after 8 months into the relationship, he started to become aggressive, and treated me as if I was his child. Made me call off friendships, lecturing me constantly about how face book would separate us, while it was ok to have his. One day he physically roughed me out and my child called the police. I diminished the gravity of what he did to avoid him getting arrested. We did have great times together, and lots of loving moments. But then after a year he started to be more and more short fused, aggressive , made me walk on egg shells in my own house. He then took over most of my space. When I got messages, he got them too in his own cell phone, and was comfortable enough about that to confront me about them, by showing me, and asking me who that was, if it was a man. He compared me negatively to other women, especially his Zumba teacher. After reading and researching about his kind, I realized that she was his primary NS. And that’s because he didn’t have sex with her yet. I wS getting in shape at the gym, and he would get mad if I told him I received attention. But he had no problem telling me about the sex offers he would get. He is 6 years younger then I, but I look young enough to look like we are the same age. He would mention hurtful things all the time. If we were anywhere where we would get people starting at us, he would tell me it was because of our age difference. He started to keep me awake at night, flipping lights in my face, shaking bed. He is a retired cop, and I still have to get up in the morning to go to work. And I work very hard. He never once offered to lay a bill, after he moved in with me. Finally 4 months ago, I got mad at him and myself, I had very high self esteem, and I started to feel like his door mat. So at 4am, I woke him up and told him that I didn’t live him anymore. He then mentioned the woman at the gym, saying that I was jealous of her because of her youth. I found him so ridiculous, that I had to hurt him back. So I told him that I not only didn’t love him anymore, that even the sex became boring. That he needed to work out more because his butt was getting unattractive. I told him that I could meet other men who had more class and prestige than him. Well he left. I felt that I could be free. But I have a hard time dating anyone. I decided to save time to get to rebuilt myself, to be stronger, and to love my alone time. I avoid the gym at the times he goes. I now have blocked his number because he contacted me 3 weeks ago to send me pics that he took on my child’s BD. I thanked him, but even though I didn’t contact him back, I felt that he had pulled me back from the progress I was making. Believe me, I cried a lot because of this man. My love for him was deep. When I told him I didn’t love him anymore of course it wasn’t true. I am still sad to be alone, no one to me is as attractive as he. I love him still, but I have a healthy pride, and a healthy sense of how a real strong man should treat his woman. There is no way he is getting back in my life to torment me anymore. I hate abusers, bullies, and fake people. So be courageous ladies, get a grip of yourselves and know that after the rain comes the rainbow. There is a magnificent light at the end of the tunnel. When I read those articles I recognized him. He is a real narcissist. He had confided things about him, that were so deep, and that explained how he became one. The man his full fleshed narcissist. He is both intellectually and physically narcissist. He seems to be also bisexual, although he tries to deny him, but I got the signs. I could right a book about him. He was gradually trying to destroy me, trying to weaken me mentally and physically. But i prayed a lot, I asked God to open my eyes and he did. Thank you my Lord Jesus, for helping me. When I feel sad, anxious, depressed, tormented, I ask Jesus to come to my rescue, and soon after, the pain is gone, and I feel great as if I took meds. It’s important to have a deep spiritual mind when going through these painful times. May the peace and the love of Christ be with all of you going through this. Amen.

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  19. On Wednesday my NPD “ex” changed his number and moved to a different state without any warning to get back with his baby momma 🤔 On Monday he came over & promised me the world. Said he was gonna change and because I’m such a good woman I deserved everything from him. Tuesday we talked all day I even texted him at 9:21pm saying good night he replied back at 9:22pm saying good night baby. I realized I couldn’t sleep so I texted him at 10:30pm but it didn’t go through so I figured he was at the club with no service. Stayed up til 12am trying to reach him & NOTHING. Around 9am I’m still trying to reach him & I still couldn’t so I sent him a message on Facebook & he blocked the page. I instantly jumped up got dressed and went to his job. Turns out he had quick his job a week before he left & didn’t tell me anything. He had planned it all out & everyone knew he was leaving except for me smh.

    Finally I sent him a message on Instagram & he replied back with “I told you to move on” he even called me crazy and let his friends disrespect me. Again he was over here Monday promising me the world. He was always here with me. A week before we was at th movies with my son and his son having “family night” amazing how he forgot everything so fast. Now he’s made me out to be the crazy lady. Everyone is on his side, I feel so alone. It hurts so bad because he treated me like a queen from the beginning.

    Our problem started because he thinks he’s a Facebook Celebrity. No joke his life revolves around Facebook. He twist everything…if acfemale likes his picture he thinks she want to have sex with him. When we first started dating on New Years Eve I posted a picture of us out & it got a lot of attention because we went to High School together. In school he was very “lame” so when he realized he was getting so much attention he took it and ran with it. Now he’s on Facebook more than any woman I know. He started arguments with me and other woman…it was like he got a high from all the drama. Finally he blocked me being very sneaky because he was trying to get back with his “Baby Momma”. Because I work a lot I didn’t pay attention to it. But everyone around him knew his plan. I know he’s coming back but I don’t want him to return. I refuse to play this game with a grown boy. He can take her & other women on his roller coaster but I’ll pass. I am hurting so bad right now…on Wednesday I thought I was gonna die but the pain was unreal. Thinking about all his broken promises to me broke me down. I felt so alone without him. Everyone on Facebook is laughing at me. I just wanna hide under a rock but I have to face reality.

    I was good to him I cooked cleaned catered to his needs etc…I didn’t deserve this non of us do. But when he returns I guarantee he acts like nothing happened but he will defintely beg for firgiveness. Each day gets better and better but it’s still hurts so much. He abandoned me & it’s hard to explain to my 6 year old son that adores him what happened. I pray to God to heal my heart quick so I can move on with my life. Enough is enough for me. 4 months wasted but a very valuable lesson learned!!!!! 😩

    Liked by 1 person

  20. On Wednesday my NPD “ex” changed his number and moved to a different state without any warning to get back with his baby momma 🤔 On Monday he came over & promised me the world. Said he was gonna change and because I’m such a good woman I deserved everything from him. Tuesday we talked all day I even texted him at 9:21pm saying good night he replied back at 9:22pm saying good night baby. I realized I couldn’t sleep so I texted him at 10:30pm but it didn’t go through so I figured he was at the club with no service. Stayed up til 12am trying to reach him & NOTHING. Around 9am I’m still trying to reach him & I still couldn’t so I sent him a message on Facebook & he blocked the page. I instantly jumped up got dressed and went to his job. Turns out he had quick his job a week before he left & didn’t tell me anything. He had planned it all out & everyone knew he was leaving except for me smh.

    Finally I sent him a message on Instagram & he replied back with “I told you to move on” he even called me crazy and let his friends disrespect me. Again he was over here Monday promising me the world. He was always here with me. A week before we was at th movies with my son and his son having “family night” amazing how he forgot everything so fast. Now he’s made me out to be the crazy lady. Everyone is on his side, I feel so alone. It hurts so bad because he treated me like a queen from the beginning.

    Our problem started because he thinks he’s a Facebook Celebrity. No joke his life revolves around Facebook. He twist everything…if acfemale likes his picture he thinks she want to have sex with him. When we first started dating on New Years Eve I posted a picture of us out & it got a lot of attention because we went to High School together. In school he was very “lame” so when he realized he was getting so much attention he took it and ran with it. Now he’s on Facebook more than any woman I know. He started arguments with me and other woman…it was like he got a high from all the drama. Finally he blocked me being very sneaky because he was trying to get back with his “Baby Momma”. Because I work a lot I didn’t pay attention to it. But everyone around him knew his plan. I know he’s coming back but I don’t want him to return. I refuse to play this game with a grown boy. He can take her & other women on his roller coaster but I’ll pass. I am hurting so bad right now…on Wednesday I thought I was gonna die but the pain was unreal. Thinking about all his broken promises to me broke me down. I felt so alone without him. Everyone on Facebook is laughing at me. I just wanna hide under a rock but I have to face reality.

    I was good to him I cooked cleaned catered to his needs etc…I didn’t deserve this non of us do. But when he returns I guarantee he acts like nothing happened but he will defintely beg for firgiveness. Each day gets better and better but it’s still hurts so much. He abandoned me & it’s hard to explain to my 6 year old son that adores him what happened. I pray to God to heal my heart quick so I can move on with my life. Enough is enough for me. 4 months wasted but a very valuable lesson learned!!!!!

    Like

  21. This article was a great read i just ended a 4 yr relationship with someone whom i believe to to a narcissist he was stalking me breaking things around my home threathing me putting me down calling me names an trying to mess up my relationship with my friends an family by saying that my friends an certain family members where flirting with him an wanted to be with him i went through pure hell he cheated on me got the women pregnant and he play me againist her and her against me i wanted to kill myself i thought i was not good enough not pretty he didnt work then still doesnt now he finally got his pay back he lives home with his mom an doesnt have anything no car friends money job he also has startedcto look like hell lost weight gray hair just went down as for the other women she got hers too i had him locked up for stalking me she bailed him out before our court date soon after we went to court he calls cps on her saying she kicked the one year old in the head trying to get her in trouble just cause she asked him to leave her home then he contacts me again after all that saying through text that she is abusing my son i want to marry you so we can take him from her i hated that women at first but now i know she actually did me a favor by taking the sick mf off my hands now my number has been changed and i am free from his drama an bs

    Like

  22. This information is right on target.
    “The pain of discipline today or the pain
    of regret tommorow.” Joyce Meyer
    I am thinking of moving to another state.

    Like

  23. mzekelo phakathi

    Hi
    i’ve been dating with a narcissistic girlfriend for 8months.Don’t get me wrong,i am still with her.Before meeting her,i was a player.she came into my life then i changed my lifestyle.i dated only her,she is returning the favor.my education moved me to another city,but she wanted to come with me.her dad is working in the city i was moving to,so she stayed with her dad.i thought it was love only to find out that its Narcissism personality.She started showing charecteristics this yr.i wouldn’t know if there is something such as a narcissistic girl if it wasn’t of her.she did incredible things then i started doing a research.And now i know she has narcissism personality,what should i do?should i break up with her?its not that bad to me coz i know her problem.i love her she is beautiful and my family likes her big time.we re both 18yrs me n her.she so predictable now,i even thinks she is staying with her boyfriend that she claims he is her half brother.its crazy,and the things i think are crazy.i dont know what to do.i blv there is a light at the end of the tunnel.plz advise me on facebook “Mzekelo KlassicMc Okmalume’scar” thank u

    Like

  24. 3.5 year long relationship, 2 of the 3.5 years he was either cheating with the most recent ex or trying to rekindle a relationship with an ex from a decade ago. After I found out, both times I forgave, but definitely affected my feelings for him. He is very persuasive, as in: “We have a love that few people ever experience, and now we have gotten over some challenges early on that will NEVER be repeated” He goes to church several times a week (I am not religious), he has this image/façade that he works so hard at maintaining (tanning lotion, sports car, grand piano- he plays one song). Wears makeup if he has a blemish. Won’t go anywhere if he is not 100% put together. We went on a trip and it tool him an hour in front of the mirror, I went and had breakfast without him. Craziness, I tell you. He is witty but with a cutting edge that can be hurtful. He demanded all of my time and attention, even when I pleaded to give me space…it never ended until I ended it 5 weeks ago. Then the volumes of e-mails and calls from him went from being apologetic and begging, to angry and insulting. I get it. No contact. It is very hard not to counter his ridiculous messages with a response. I can do this, and I feel so much better after breaking free. I can live my own life again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi. I enjoyed reading your story, you made me smile when you mentioned he took an hour getting ready so you went and had breakfast, It reminds me of what I would do. Anyway I too have just got out of my N.relationship and was wondering what craziness did he do in those last five weeks? I

      Like

    • my situation is very similar to yours. I am five weeks goin “no contact”. He has not try to contact me either. I feel, it’s much better for me. I have my moments of sadness, but reading about relationships with narcicissits, there is no chance to have one since they are unable to feel love for the person near them. Please write again.

      Like

    • Rosamaria Bauman

      My situation is very similar to yours. Please write again.

      Like

  25. Nicole greaney cavan

    They lie and cheat and leave you and then come back when it suits. Met a 40 something scottish narcissist man through work – banking. Seemed too good to be true. Blamed his wife for all his problems. Moved in with me. I never fully trusted him. He has had several women on the go but pretended they were just friends. Always hiding his mobile. I helped him with his boys at weekends. He was nice one minute and sneaky the next. Very passive aggressive. I was walking on egg shells most of the time. He is a cheating manipulator who enjoyed playing me off against his wife. I wanted to believe him and forgave him and took him back but now I see his lies. It’s all a joke to him apart from securing attention. He is very focused on appearances but nothing beneath that. Likes to be the centre of attention. I get a promotion he thinks he is the reason. Has an excuse for everything but is never sorry. I can see Elaine’s post point of view very well. I’m 37 and wonder if I can meet someone else. They are difficult to get away from.

    Like

  26. I was in a along diatance relation with a Narc for 4.5 months …he ruined me in this short span of time.God saved me honestly he ruined me over the ohone n whatsapp conversations Imagine what he couldve done if I were there in person.
    He is a true example of an Narc fits in each stage and each description.
    Day before I threw it in his facen confronted him which resulted to abusive resort by him n blocking me ftom.whatsapp…Good riddance to bad rubbish hahah he owned a Ferrari..a Rolls Royce a Merc a Porsche all at the same time hahHH and went to stay at the Ritz which is under renovation…amazing the lies they can comeup with no we arent done yet…then an accident took place followed by brain surgery but just the next day of the apparent surgery he was writing to me..and then getting friends to msg me which was he himself from another number …he didnt realise I could recognise his style of writing. ..and always made a situation to come back to me…
    Who are these people actually fooling? themselves or the victims? He is a kid in a 50 year olds body.

    Like

  27. Hi,
    I have read alot of the comments this week and it is heart breaking. I too was married to a narcissist and was only married for 9 months! I filed for a divorce two days after I found out about all the lies. Because of my experiences, other than being with a narcissist, I knew it was a wrap. I went throught exactly what everyone else went through. But for those of you who cannot seem to find your way back to being the person you were dont give up. You have to remain true to your healing. Stay away from the Narc because they need the help that you cannot give them. They can only be in contact with people who are not emotionally tied to them nor can be. Each day will get better if you stay the course. Dont look back. Dont accept calls. Dont address emails. Focus on you. Do fun things and stay around family and friends. You will see a difference and forget about all of this. Dont dwell on what happened and dont even try to think about the good times. The only thing you need to remember is that they need help that you cant give them and they are not good for you. Press your way and each day will get brighter. That is your key to freedom!! It might be hard at first but stick with it. You deserve it!

    Like

  28. I was with him for 11 years, 6 years were very abusive/affair with neighbor (she loved to abuse me as well). he became more abusive every day, I tried to leave many times but had no emotional support/I had to focus on work and supporting us and his daughter whom he had help him cheat. You cannot do this alone – you need help to rid yourself of a narc. Run I have Takosubo, permanent stress heart damage, Spine damage and have to retire, fortunately I have nothing to offer the nar and he will likely leave me alone now. I will be so much better off now emotionally and financially. Unfortunately for him his true colors came through before I came up with my disability sum. He thought I was not getting anything and lost interest in me, but became meaner. Gone,,

    Your article was very helpfull

    Like

  29. Brilliant read currently in no contact with ex for the 8 th time now he is partying and pretending I never existed I struggle daily but he has every trait of a narcissist and he’s not young he’s 33 I’m 27 he is very childish I’ve come to facts that he won’t change he has ruined me and I have zero confidence but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel I’m keeping healthy not partying like he is looking after my soul I know I’ll hear from him again I have to see phcologists to get past him he’s changed me as a person but each day is one day closer to freedom healthy positive freedom ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • that is great to hear. i see her already leeching off a dude. she controls by super passive aggression. i can see when she is dissatisfied with him. i can see when she tries to catch my attention. i can see when she is going to neglect him or be cold to him. i can see when she finds motivation to be mean to him.

      i am glad to hear you are doing well. ^^

      i am getting better by the day. and i hope you just feel better.

      Like

  30. I cant even describe the hurt that I am feeling! I cant eat, I cant sleep, I am living with someone because he manipulated me and push me out of his house. And he has been in Las Vegas with another women sense Thurs. and he makes it no secret! We just broke up Nov. He is already taking this woman everywhere! My life is in shambles and all i can think about is him. He was for the most part good to me. But early on I started seeing the signs, but i ignored them. We have some unfinished business, but i dont even care. I got my phone number changed. I told him when he got back from Vegas he will never contact me again! I feel like i need meds to get through this. But i can admit learning about narcissistic abuse helps.😞

    Liked by 1 person

  31. I found your article so true and so heart breaking. I have been living and dating this horror for 5 years. We don’t live together I’ve always liked the thought of having my own place to escape to when his rages start. I wasn’t raised to be this weak person he has created. The woman I use to be wouldn’t let a man hit me or verbally put me down in anyway. There are times I feel like I’m going crazy. In my mind I know he does nothing for me, he doesn’t really care about me, my child or my future but I truly don’t know why I let him back in but I do every time. Why can I just walk away, why do I have this fear of being alone or let that fear win and take him back? I have a daughter from a previous marriage and I have often wondered how would I handle it if she was in relationship like this. I knew he was a difficult person before we started dating but me being a fixer and a helper I just thought that was all he needed. He needed someone to show him how to love. No matter how much I have done to try and love him I end up in the same place hurt, crying and unhappy. I’ve got to find that woman I use to be!

    Liked by 1 person

    • A.
      I’m in the same boat. It’s a few days fresh for me. Me being the fixer and getting into a pattern of co-dependency was my downfall. I definitely have to put my time, energy, and focus into taking my life back and finding the new best me! How are you doing a month later?

      Like

    • I am now day 10 of NC. I am trying to do the work all the websites say I should do – heal my inner child core wounds and not allow myself to let someone like this in my life ever again. But this pain and grief is beyond anything I could have imagined. It feels like all the pain from every grief in But all I truly keep thinking is I want him back. I dont want the rages and the cruelty, the name calling, threatening me on the phone that if I dont answer in 5 seconds some question that doesnt make sense, he will hang up. And then he starts counting. I miss the person I thought he was. I miss the funny sweet sensitive vulnerable artist that held my hand while we slept. I miss the man that I laughed with for hours. We worked together as friends for 2 years – I got him the job, protected him and stood up for him at work when he couldnt cope, and eventually lost my job as a result. That was when he became my knight in shining armour. And we started a loving committed relationship.He looked after me and said – I want this relationship and I want you – I am not afraid to love you anymore. Spent holidays together in laughter, cooked together, watched movies, made art and met the parents. He was sweeter, more kind, more passionate more loving than anyone I had ever known in my life. He knew all the horrific events I had survived in my past. He was the person who helped me make art again after a decade. But then the rages would come out of nowhere – I apparently said the wrong thing, or I may not have said it but I implied it. Or he accused me of gaslighting him – disturbing to have heard him use that term a number of times.After a super happy week where we were together pretty much all the time – making plans for our future, our art projects and goals he flew into a rage when I asked about a sock monkey from an ex girlfriend. The night before he was holding me and telling me that he wanted me to feel safe with him, that he wanted to protect me. That he loved me. And then in five minutes he went from kissing me while we talked about what we would eat for dinner to screaming at me that I would always have a problem with this exs. That I was asking him to give up all his friends. I was stunned and kept saying it isnt what I meant. That I would like to meet them. But it was too late. HE kept saying it was no contest – he would choose his friends over me any day.He kept screaming to get the f*&K out of his house. That he would call the police if I didnt leave. His neighbour – a close female friend of his – came over to ask if HE was okay, while I was in a sobbing heap on the floor. I kept saying I didnt think I could even drive. He said he didnt care. Get the f*&k out and sit in your car for all I care. I just want you gone. Its over Its over. We are done. And then he started breaking all of his pottery and saying this was my fault. I havent heard from him since. I think I am still in shock. I still have his house keys. And I am not even sure if this is abuse. Or if he is a narcissist. I am just lost and confused. I feel like I have lost everything.

      Liked by 1 person

  32. Everything I read is so true that it hurts me just reading it yet living it …I guess it’ll take time a lot off time to be able to feal anything at some point in my life…sorry about the English ..

    Liked by 1 person

  33. I’ve always said, “It’s when we truly feel we are done that we will have to be our strongest.” There is a reason that curiosity killed the cat. There is nothing they could possibly want that will be good for you. When they start calling, DO NOT RESPOND. Don’t think you are fine and let curiosity kill you, because it will. They will suck you right back into their web of deceit… NO CONTACT. BE SMART. BE SAFE.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree. ..I’m experiencing this no contact phase. It’s crazy he told me he loves me and wants me in his life. He started a relationship with another woman and never told me. I’m free now and I’m going to live my life happy with out his dysfunctional attitude.

      Liked by 2 people

  34. Hi: I was in a relationship for nearly 5 years……. I lived with the man for nearly 4 years…Its first started that where ever I would go to in town…. he would always start showing up….pretending to want to be friends… we worked for the same company only a different department…. when he found out where I Lived he started to show up at my apartment…. I feel for all the attention…. and not long after we got involved and he treated me like a princess… months followed he moved in with me….people from my work had warned me about this man …. but I could not see it…. he was not acting at all like the man that they had described to me he was very attentive…unlike anyone else I had ever meet… however unknown to me he had been seeing two other women on the side which were involved in relationship…. I found emails… phone calls…but he always had a excuse…..the man became like a man with two different personalities…he would trust me …. even though I never gave him a reason too….we had a lots of good times but the bad ones will out weighed the good ones…. I couldn’t have friends… only the friends that we had together.. he got some kind of kick out of embarrassing me around his friends….I could never do anything right… I
    couldn’t even think for myself…if I went to a friends house he would know exactly what time I got there… and what time I left…. so I distance myself from my friends… I felt like I was walking on egg shells not to make him upset. He was always degrading me….. I finally got the inner strength that I needed to move out… however we remained in contact….. its been a little over a year now since I move out….about a month ago he message me and told me that he couldn’t keep texting me…. he need to find someone to spend his life with…. I didn’t know at the time but he had already found her… and she thinks he is the best thing that ever happened to her…she was warned but just like me she can’t see it…. he is still concerned about where I am too… and watch my house….. knows how long I spend at friend houses…we had went to counseling at one point…. and the councilor told me that this man would never change….he is 55 years old now…. and he has been like this since is twenties.. but why do I feel like if I had tried harder…. but, when I was there …there were times that I just wanted to close my eyes and die…..I have made an appointment to go back and see the councilor that we saw before…… I do have his number blocked on my cell phone and my facebook account… please give me so advise…

    Liked by 1 person

    • My relationship was the same. My girlfriend only allowed me to be with friends when shade new friends but once they weren’t exciting anymore I wasn’t allowed to go out. I’ve been with her for 2 years now and one time we broke up and in a matter if 2 months she already had a new guy. Unfortunately I didn’t go no contact and got caught up in the mess again. It’s so hard to not care because all I remember are the bright spots.

      Liked by 1 person

    • ~RUN and Don’t look back.~
      For you, try blocking him “energy wise” meaning, cutting his cords off you. To do this, “Aracangel Michael, please cut every cord & tie off of me, except to you Father God, Jesus, my angels & guides and put invisible mirrors all around me and mirror it all back to them. Then the White light of God surround me, all negativity out, all the colors of the rainbow in my light, negativity out….This is guarantee to work 100% instantly the moment you say it. Then focus your eyes in a new direction that is healthy and plant a seed in that new direction. God Bless You. Signed, Been there, done that and am out of it for good !!!!!!!!!!!!!! He sicken’s me now!!!!! True love is God, not abusers.

      Like

  35. I dealt with this in my relationship with my ex-husband, and unfortunately, my children either inherited or just simply became like their father. I tried for so long to help, but the only thing that was happening was that I was being beaten down and abused. This is heart-breaking, especially since there is a grand-daughter that I no longer see. The last time I tried to talk to my son I was verbally attacked, sworn attacked and blamed for everything ending with being told oi don’t care attacked to all. I have tried to get them to go for help to no avail. It kills me to be around them but it’s breaking my heart yto be without them. Do you have attacked tiny advice for me?

    Like

  36. It’s me Cheryl again and this time I am pleading for you ALL to remain NO CONTACT!! I was 6 months on my own and really began missing him. He contacted me saying the girl he moved into our home wound up being a prostitute! He packed her up and tried to deliver her to the police station. She panicked and had him drop her at the church he found her at.
    He told me he would like to see us both save money and work out our divorce together. HERE is where the BIG MISTAKE occurred.
    I met him for two hours and we worked the papers out. He was so sweet and gave me more than I expected. I will be taken care of right to my retirement. Two weeks later he called to meet again to fine tune the papers. We did. 4 weeks ago my lawyer receive a note from his attorney stating the date and time he’d be in to sign. We met two more times for coffee and had an enjoyable time. I never once lead him to believe we would be anything more than friends. He said, friends was better than nothing and it would be best for our grown sons to have their parents getting along. In the meantime I contacted my lawyer two weeks ago asking when I would be called into sign. She sent an email to his lawyer with no response. I called my husband and he explaine his lawyer cancelled his signing date and had to reschedule, AND… I’m seeing a therapist twice a week. Please give me 6 months? I told him absolutely not. We will remain friends, but no. Monday my lawyer got a letter from his stating due to his mental state he would not be signing for 6 months! I am CRUSHED!!!
    My point… I believed him, but I have been manipulated by him AGAIN!!! I did NOT see this one coming. Once again, HE is in control… It will never end. My lawyer said now, we take him to court, call family, friends, counsellors and therapists to trial and prove he is mentally unstable. This will cost me thousands of dollars I don’t have. Now what?
    I’m waiting until after the holidays to make a decision. He has called me and told me the ONLY way he will sign is if I see him again. I’ve told him no, blocked him from my phone and am back to no contact.
    DONT TRUST THEM!!! Or you WILL be hurt and angry at yourself. I KNEW about the problems. I met him, he went as far as having our divorce papers completed….I believed him. Now, those papers sit in the office and here I sit thinking I should have known better. Never EVER again.
    PLEASE DONT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOU. I believe it was a very calculated move on his part and I fell for it. They cannot be trusted! Year 31 and I am still married and HE is STILL controlling me.

    Liked by 2 people

  37. Thanks the advise

    Like

  38. I have just got’n out of (or should I escaping ) a female Npd person three year relationship and this article has helped me BIG time….thanx

    Like

  39. I am 10 years older than my old partner
    At first this person really sugar coated the age difference saying it wasn’t an issue and that I’d need to be a little understanding cause they were immature for their age.At first we were excited for the common interest of needing and desiring a healthy change,we both wanted recovery from drugs and alcohol.My new partner was rebounding from a relationship gone bad that had lasted two years.I had dated over the past 10 years but hadn’t met someone as interesting as this person.The relationship with this person was strained almost immediately cause of the partner previously they were with stayed around and played tricks , taking my licence plates,severing my tail lites,disconnecting my new friends battery several times at my residence.So I’m suspicious of my new partner their suspecious of me.So, arguments in tailed , emotions and the thought of a trusting relationship went south.We would try to convince each other how trustworthy each of us were, try to explain it off and have some more exciting bedroom time.My heart said,this isn’t going away but my need to be excepted and wanted at some cost was a price I would continue to pay as the weeks and months past.I found how really smart and evasive this person could be.Unavailable for reasonable communication,I all to often got chastised for wanting to much to soon,which seemed very much a legitimate gripe.So I tried to fill my days up being productive.I was then blamed for not paying enough attention to us.I invited my lover to a candle lite dinner at my house and was impolitely told that what I had prepared was fine but the plate lacked color.At this point our drinking wine and use of drugs were as offtrack to recovery as it could be.I was blamed for not taking them to a meeting previously scheduled and that I caused continued issues with using.This person was going to their friends partaking in alcohol and drug use then driving to my house.After 3 months had gone by the new partner that I found so exciting had become a problem I wasn’t ready for.I started walking on eggshells trying not to ask certain questions and overcome by some depressed feelings that we were failing I’d try to surprise them with some project I was starting- a garden or another special night at home cause they weren’t interested in going out.Sometimes I was just to tired but still tried to impress them only to find it wasn’t exciting enough.for them.

    Like

  40. Hi i was involved with a nar for 2yrs Sept he and i got into it bcuz i caught hr cheating for the 2nd time long story short..i told him i was leaving he told me it wasn’t no 1else and he needed time and peace it happened on Fri went to go get the rest of my belongings on monday he threw my belongings start yelling cursing he had a woman in he had gotten married and now she is having a baby..he told me he was happy that his soul mate now i know its all lies ive been reading and researching and talking to a therapist it was a hard hit i was so hurt i cant even explain the hurt but im getting better with family therapist and prayer everyday gets better this people are not human they live on lies thank God im free!

    Like

  41. Bullshit

    Like

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