What to expect after the break-up with the narcissist

by After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life & Love on Wednesday, May 23, 2012 at 9:06pm ·

Exploring your new-found freedom from the dysfunctional relationship can be filled with anticipation and excitement. Likewise, it can be filled with  frustration, confusion, cynicism, ,and you’ll feel like you’re back on an emotional roller coaster!  What you are experiencing is a different sort of emotional struggle, i.e., remaining  low self-esteem, poor physical health,  hatred, unsuccessful dating and dating fear, level of cynicism towards the opposite sex is most likely at an unhealthy levels, etc.  So the basis of this article is to guide you though the realities of what to expect from yourself and your abuser post dissolution.


In the beginning.. “THE X”


By now you understand that your former spouse/ significant other’s personality disorder is a life long condition and will typically get worse as they age.


If you were fortunate enough to escape without children involved, then the necessity to utilize coping skills will be very temporary, because you truly have nothing that binds or commits one another.


Exceptions would be joint ownership of assets in an LTR Vs a Marriage.  Comparatively speaking, where post-dissolutions of marriage between two healthy personalities can work through issues, the unhealthy, high conflict personalities post dissolution always tend to remain in never-ending drama.


This is due in part to the healthy personality not establishing solid boundaries from their former abuser. As there is usually a healthy personality involved in such dysfunctional former relationships, then it’s a matter of emotional discipline, emotional maturity, and learning coping skills.


As the former victim/abused, you must learn to be disciplined for the sake of your future happiness. One of the main reasons why one becomes a victim of abuse is a lack of discipline where it concerns relationship boundaries. A person may recognize some of the relationship dysfunction early on, however, tends to ignore the traits and characteristics of their mate.


In essence, they are ignoring the boundaries that should have served them in the first place. Giving these emotional predators any “benefit of doubt” or “forgiveness”  is like giving them the rope to hang their victims. They prey on individuals that are forgiving, emotionally sound, and are romantics. It’s like “shooting fish in a Barrel” to them.


We’ve established that a former high conflict relationship without children, or investments is rather basic, you simply go “no contact.” This is not to say that it will be a “cake walk” in the beginning, because it will still require discipline. Everything still applies so pay close attention to detail.


Here is the scary part, it doesn’t matter if the relationship was for months or years, your abuser believes they will always “own” you, that they will always have control over you, till death do you part! Their arrogance precedes them and believe all that they considered close to them during their lifetime can still be manipulated despite time.


All the perceptions and attitudes when one is in the abusive relationship MUST CHANGE in order to detach from the abuser. In other words, what you thought and believed then most likely has been weakened therefore, you will have to develop new and stronger patterns of thinking in order to successfully detach.


So many times after such a relationship is over, we tend to open our “emotional door” once more and the madness begins once again. This enables your abuser rather than disarming them.  The intent may have been good, and they may have given you a convincing or plausible story unrelated to the relationship in order to communicate with you.


Giving the abuser a one inch crack in that emotional door is most certainly a mistake for they will take any opening that allows them to hurt you. Remember this too, successfully detaching will not  eliminate their behavior,because their dysfunctional traits and characteristics are virtually cast in stone.


They will not change. So the importance of being disciplined in forming new perceptions, and attitudes towards the former abuser will serve in protecting all that is meaningful in your life. Sticking to your guns will initially piss off your abuser, so expect some new craziness to happen.


Believe me, they will be digging deep into their “Bag of Tricks” to overcome their perceived perpetrator. Keep this in mind, they are capable of unimaginable and egregious behavior because your initiative of no contact has upset the very core of their being. Their nastiness can range from simple verbal attacks to being downright destructive. Do not underestimate them and be prepared for anything despite how well you think you may know them.


What the complete detachment and no contact process will create is and  ”out of sight, out of mind” condition whereby pattens of behavior will change if appropriate measures of action are solid on behalf of the healthy personality involved. Otherwise, it can continue to be a “hell on earth.” Yes, it is up to you, because you must remember, they will never change!


If you were in a relationship with an NPD, most likely they will move on much more quickly than a BPD. NPD’s are more hurtful and damaging during a relationship Vs the BPD, however, the BPD tends to continue their madness after the fact.  BPD’s, Histrionic’s, Bipolar’s, have a variation in presence of conscience and emotion, therefore they struggle between reality and their perceived world. Whereas, the NPD has no presence of conscience, hence their ability to move on and seek a new victim or supply.


In summary, expect some continued craziness in the beginning of a break up, given time though, it will subside to a more manageable  level.  Do not engage or provoke your former abuser in any way, you are now in control, not them. Truth and reality are your abuser’s enemies because it sends their egocentric core reeling out of control, so stick to less emotional situations and resolves.


This is one of the most important aspects of your abuser that you must remind yourself of each time they speak, “they are masters of manipulation for the sake of self, not you, and not the children.”


Be disciplined in mind and heart to understand, your former abuser cares about no one but themselves. Remember too, just when you think you’ve got them figured out, they throw a little deception, manipulation, a lie or two, and you are now pissed off!


Amazing how easy they get you right where they want you!  Do not allow them to engage you this way, you are the better person, shame on them for doing this to you, and next time you will be a little smarter, right!  Life is too short to allow others drama and dysfunction to affect those they don’t deserve to be with in the first place. Always put your “thinking cap” on and make sound judgments when communication with your former abuser is necessary.

  1. Everything I read is so true that it hurts me just reading it yet living it …I guess it’ll take time a lot off time to be able to feal anything at some point in my life…sorry about the English ..


  2. I’ve always said, “It’s when we truly feel we are done that we will have to be our strongest.” There is a reason that curiosity killed the cat. There is nothing they could possibly want that will be good for you. When they start calling, DO NOT RESPOND. Don’t think you are fine and let curiosity kill you, because it will. They will suck you right back into their web of deceit… NO CONTACT. BE SMART. BE SAFE.


  3. Hi: I was in a relationship for nearly 5 years……. I lived with the man for nearly 4 years…Its first started that where ever I would go to in town…. he would always start showing up….pretending to want to be friends… we worked for the same company only a different department…. when he found out where I Lived he started to show up at my apartment…. I feel for all the attention…. and not long after we got involved and he treated me like a princess… months followed he moved in with me….people from my work had warned me about this man …. but I could not see it…. he was not acting at all like the man that they had described to me he was very attentive…unlike anyone else I had ever meet… however unknown to me he had been seeing two other women on the side which were involved in relationship…. I found emails… phone calls…but he always had a excuse…..the man became like a man with two different personalities…he would trust me …. even though I never gave him a reason too….we had a lots of good times but the bad ones will out weighed the good ones…. I couldn’t have friends… only the friends that we had together.. he got some kind of kick out of embarrassing me around his friends….I could never do anything right… I
    couldn’t even think for myself…if I went to a friends house he would know exactly what time I got there… and what time I left…. so I distance myself from my friends… I felt like I was walking on egg shells not to make him upset. He was always degrading me….. I finally got the inner strength that I needed to move out… however we remained in contact….. its been a little over a year now since I move out….about a month ago he message me and told me that he couldn’t keep texting me…. he need to find someone to spend his life with…. I didn’t know at the time but he had already found her… and she thinks he is the best thing that ever happened to her…she was warned but just like me she can’t see it…. he is still concerned about where I am too… and watch my house….. knows how long I spend at friend houses…we had went to counseling at one point…. and the councilor told me that this man would never change….he is 55 years old now…. and he has been like this since is twenties.. but why do I feel like if I had tried harder…. but, when I was there …there were times that I just wanted to close my eyes and die…..I have made an appointment to go back and see the councilor that we saw before…… I do have his number blocked on my cell phone and my facebook account… please give me so advise…


  4. I dealt with this in my relationship with my ex-husband, and unfortunately, my children either inherited or just simply became like their father. I tried for so long to help, but the only thing that was happening was that I was being beaten down and abused. This is heart-breaking, especially since there is a grand-daughter that I no longer see. The last time I tried to talk to my son I was verbally attacked, sworn attacked and blamed for everything ending with being told oi don’t care attacked to all. I have tried to get them to go for help to no avail. It kills me to be around them but it’s breaking my heart yto be without them. Do you have attacked tiny advice for me?


  5. It’s me Cheryl again and this time I am pleading for you ALL to remain NO CONTACT!! I was 6 months on my own and really began missing him. He contacted me saying the girl he moved into our home wound up being a prostitute! He packed her up and tried to deliver her to the police station. She panicked and had him drop her at the church he found her at.
    He told me he would like to see us both save money and work out our divorce together. HERE is where the BIG MISTAKE occurred.
    I met him for two hours and we worked the papers out. He was so sweet and gave me more than I expected. I will be taken care of right to my retirement. Two weeks later he called to meet again to fine tune the papers. We did. 4 weeks ago my lawyer receive a note from his attorney stating the date and time he’d be in to sign. We met two more times for coffee and had an enjoyable time. I never once lead him to believe we would be anything more than friends. He said, friends was better than nothing and it would be best for our grown sons to have their parents getting along. In the meantime I contacted my lawyer two weeks ago asking when I would be called into sign. She sent an email to his lawyer with no response. I called my husband and he explaine his lawyer cancelled his signing date and had to reschedule, AND… I’m seeing a therapist twice a week. Please give me 6 months? I told him absolutely not. We will remain friends, but no. Monday my lawyer got a letter from his stating due to his mental state he would not be signing for 6 months! I am CRUSHED!!!
    My point… I believed him, but I have been manipulated by him AGAIN!!! I did NOT see this one coming. Once again, HE is in control… It will never end. My lawyer said now, we take him to court, call family, friends, counsellors and therapists to trial and prove he is mentally unstable. This will cost me thousands of dollars I don’t have. Now what?
    I’m waiting until after the holidays to make a decision. He has called me and told me the ONLY way he will sign is if I see him again. I’ve told him no, blocked him from my phone and am back to no contact.
    DONT TRUST THEM!!! Or you WILL be hurt and angry at yourself. I KNEW about the problems. I met him, he went as far as having our divorce papers completed….I believed him. Now, those papers sit in the office and here I sit thinking I should have known better. Never EVER again.
    PLEASE DONT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOU. I believe it was a very calculated move on his part and I fell for it. They cannot be trusted! Year 31 and I am still married and HE is STILL controlling me.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thanks the advise


  7. I have just got’n out of (or should I escaping ) a female Npd person three year relationship and this article has helped me BIG time….thanx


  8. I am 10 years older than my old partner
    At first this person really sugar coated the age difference saying it wasn’t an issue and that I’d need to be a little understanding cause they were immature for their age.At first we were excited for the common interest of needing and desiring a healthy change,we both wanted recovery from drugs and alcohol.My new partner was rebounding from a relationship gone bad that had lasted two years.I had dated over the past 10 years but hadn’t met someone as interesting as this person.The relationship with this person was strained almost immediately cause of the partner previously they were with stayed around and played tricks , taking my licence plates,severing my tail lites,disconnecting my new friends battery several times at my residence.So I’m suspicious of my new partner their suspecious of me.So, arguments in tailed , emotions and the thought of a trusting relationship went south.We would try to convince each other how trustworthy each of us were, try to explain it off and have some more exciting bedroom time.My heart said,this isn’t going away but my need to be excepted and wanted at some cost was a price I would continue to pay as the weeks and months past.I found how really smart and evasive this person could be.Unavailable for reasonable communication,I all to often got chastised for wanting to much to soon,which seemed very much a legitimate gripe.So I tried to fill my days up being productive.I was then blamed for not paying enough attention to us.I invited my lover to a candle lite dinner at my house and was impolitely told that what I had prepared was fine but the plate lacked color.At this point our drinking wine and use of drugs were as offtrack to recovery as it could be.I was blamed for not taking them to a meeting previously scheduled and that I caused continued issues with using.This person was going to their friends partaking in alcohol and drug use then driving to my house.After 3 months had gone by the new partner that I found so exciting had become a problem I wasn’t ready for.I started walking on eggshells trying not to ask certain questions and overcome by some depressed feelings that we were failing I’d try to surprise them with some project I was starting- a garden or another special night at home cause they weren’t interested in going out.Sometimes I was just to tired but still tried to impress them only to find it wasn’t exciting enough.for them.


  9. Hi i was involved with a nar for 2yrs Sept he and i got into it bcuz i caught hr cheating for the 2nd time long story short..i told him i was leaving he told me it wasn’t no 1else and he needed time and peace it happened on Fri went to go get the rest of my belongings on monday he threw my belongings start yelling cursing he had a woman in he had gotten married and now she is having a baby..he told me he was happy that his soul mate now i know its all lies ive been reading and researching and talking to a therapist it was a hard hit i was so hurt i cant even explain the hurt but im getting better with family therapist and prayer everyday gets better this people are not human they live on lies thank God im free!


  10. Bullshit


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