Things Narcissists Do

Things Narcissists Do…


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1. THEY REFUSE RESPONSIBILITY.

It’s not their fault. Not EVER. It’s always your fault. His fault. Her fault. To a narcissist, it’s not their fault they hurt you, it’s your fault for being hurt-able. If your feelings are hurt, it’s not their fault; it’s your fault – for having feelings. (You may be told that you’re “choosing” to feel bad about the hurtful things they’ve done, and that it’s the wrong “choice”.) If caught doing something insensitive or selfish, they will tell you they “had to” do it because of someone or something else. If you imply that anything is their responsibility, they give you excuses and lies, and often, if those fail to work, they will finally make it clear that the bottom line is they simply don’t care because they don’t have to, and the fact that you care is just unnecessary or wrong. From their perspective, you shouldn’t care — you should get it right like they do, and be more like they are. Uncaring.

2. THEY LIE.

Narcissists lie to make themselves look good. They lie to get out of emotional responsibility. They lie to manipulate. They lie to gain influence. They lie out of habit. Life is a game to narcissists – a game they have to think they’re winning – and truth is one casualty in their game plan. The only time a narcissist has any interest in telling the truth is when it will serve them or cost them nothing to do so. The rest of the time, they don’t consider it necessary or important to be all that honest. Honesty can impede their self-gratification and compromise their powerful persona, and they don’t like that. To narcissists the truth is frequently “flexible” and optional. There’s no such thing as an honest narcissist.

3. THEY LOOK DOWN ON YOU.

Narcissists have to make themselves feel bigger by convincing themselves others are smaller by comparison. They’re no strangers to being condescending, snobby, clique-ish, elitist and superior; however, they may be very good at hiding their disdain to prevent a loss of popularity, which narcissists know brings them power. Narcissists with money look down on the working class. Narcissists in the working class look down on those with more money. Educated narcissists dismiss the opinions of those who have no degree. Narcissists with no degree claim educated people don’t actually know anything. Whatever narcissists HAVE (or think they have) is what they use to look down on others WITH. No-one else’s background, appearance, values, political persuasion, school, preferences, religion, way of life, profession or opinions are ever any good or worthy of their respect unless they themselves value and/or possess the same. If you think or choose differently from a narcissist, you’re “wrong”, and they’re “right”.

4. THEY’RE TWO-FACED.

Narcissists literally have two faces — their real face and their stage face. And neither is anything like the other. Which one you see will depend on how long you’ve known them. Narcissists can be very charming and know how to gain favor. Anyone who doesn’t know a narcissist well will tell you the narcissist is one of the greatest people they’ve ever met! They believe this is one of the most intelligent, kindest, most interesting, funny, agreeable, most attractive, talented or accomplished people ever. They may wish they themselves had it so “together” or were so popular. However, anyone who knows that same narcissist better (family members, longtime coworkers, etc) will tell you the narcissist is one of the most horribly frustrating and toxic people they know, and the mere mention of their name makes them feel uneasy, angry, frustrated or otherwise unhappy. Being the only one who is experiencing a narcissist’s real face, while all other family members or coworkers can still only see the narcissist’s stage face is a very lonely, painful and frustrating place to be. Thankfully, the number of people who can see through the facade tends to increase with time.

5. THEY’RE VINDICTIVE.

If you dare to question a narcissist or request things like healthy boundaries and honesty, you’re going to become public enemy number one. The “Mr. or Ms. Wonderful” mask immediately comes off, and there is no level they will not stoop to in order to “punish” you. They have myriad ways of attempting this; some are covert, and some are open and obvious. The narcissist has a seemingly inexhaustible obsession for making people who cross them “pay”. Once they set their sights on you, you’re a permanent enemy, and their seething spite will feel as intense years down the road as it did when it first began. The length of time they can keep up the full intensity of their hatred for you and their campaign to exact revenge is absolutely dumbfounding to non-narcissistic people.

6.THEY PROJECT PSYCHOLOGICALLY.

Many mentally disordered individuals project frequently. Narcissists, however, are some of the most actively and severely projecting people encountered. Ever full of accusations and criticisms, the most crazy-making thing about most of the narcissist’s claims is that YOU are doing exactly what THEY are doing. (Projection.) Have they just lied to you? Well, you’re about to be called dishonest. Are they cheating you out of an opportunity? You’re going to get the finger pointed at you for being sneaky. And you can’t say a word to them about something hurtful they have done, because that makes you an abuser – of them. You can’t give them anything but glowing feedback without their raging at you, but you’ll be the one constantly criticized severely and then called freakishly oversensitive if you show any feelings about it. And if they say so, it’s law — you don’t know what you’re talking about.

7. THEY SMEAR PEOPLE WHO OPPOSE THEM.
Narcissists are allergic to healthy boundaries and fairness. If you question the insensitive things they do or put any limits whatsoever on their bad behavior, you will be targeted for social, professional, or personal obliteration. Whatever narcissists perceive to be your psychological or situational “weak spots” will be their prime targets. For instance, if the narcissist knows that your greatest fear is social ridicule, that will be the main focus of the smear campaign. If he or she knows that recently, you made a mistake for which you feel guilty, that will be used against you. Narcissists know that the more effectively they can pinpoint your insecurities or flaws, the more successful they will be in eroding your confidence and your influence. And if they manage to do that, they stand a good chance of getting back the power they planned to do whatever they pleased with before you “got in their way”.

  1. You should put my “husbands” face as the poster-person for these descriptions.
    Great descriptions, btw.

  2. #8 They find a new victim so fast it makes your head spin.

    My ex meet his new victim after 4 months and married her three months later. All along attempting to contact me. Never once did he confess his faults, declare his love, say he missed me or needed me. He did show up across the street at his adopted sister’s place (something he NEVER did, he has a nearly non-existent relationship with her) 2 weeks before he got remarried (This is his 4th marriage BTW). Probably hoping for a chance encounter. Oh yeah and it does suck having the sister across the street!!!

    • Have to agree 100% with Cathy re point #8. Wish i’d seen this list sooner :(
      My ex fitted all those categories. But after she left she kept pestering me for money because she was “someone you should care about”. And sucker that I was, I was going to send her the money until a quick google search revealed that not only had she recently started a new, well paid job (since fired from!), but she was also newly married!
      This list made me finally realise that it was not my fault. I feel sorry for the girl, but she is a calssic Narcissist.

    • I had a very similar experience. It took him only three weeks to find another woman to mooch off of even while texting me that he “missed” me and telling me on the day the divorce was finalized that this was my “last chance to back out”. Um, thanks but no thanks. I wish the new victim the best of luck. Last I heard, he is sleeping on the floor at the new girlfriend’s mother’s house. Kind of hilarious actually.

  3. Colleen Loxterkamp

    So what is the answer for them or the ones who love them. Is there help?

  4. They run hot and cold, issue ultimatums. Act the martyr to your stupidity and yes, the revenge, the moving on … when you are finally free of their charm offensive the reality can be horrifying. (And they ALL think I mean them.) manipulative if they want something you have, resentful of their own need. All relationship cycles have lows and highs. Catch the N at the peak of a personal high, humbly agree they Are Right, and take the opportunity their contempt affords you to get the hell out of there: you can’t leave them, but you can accept their dismissal.

  5. Totally my ex husband!!!… But good luck to him, as i ignore him, so he cant graze me… Ive become to strong for his games, i see them all over.

    #freeknpig#

  6. I was with rose a short time. Everything you describe came to be after we got engaged. She left 3 times.each time doing something hurtful and blaming me. She used me to gain things and told her family it was me. She and I got married after she convinced me she was confused.so many lies and accusations.after two week of marriage she left again. I had had enough. I was doubting myself and emotionally distraught. I am in the process of divorce. She drives by my home everyday.I am selling my home and moving as she lives close by.

    • Hi Michael,

      I am sorry you are going through this. I don’t know if you sold your home yet, but.it seems to me by doing that, you are showing her she still has power over you. Next time she drives by, peek out the window and wave to her.

  7. Can we just have a mugshot page so others are warned? I suppose not, that’s something they would do.

  8. So, i just mived into my own apartment yesterday, by the grace of God and with the means He supplied. I was JUST reading this list on my phone when a text message popped up from the N telling me he was sorry that i felt i had to leave! Hmmmm, number 1, check! I am so grateful for blogs like this one that give me a clue of what I’m dealing with. Because it seems I was clueless for 17 years of marriage. Now i can play his game by knowing what his game is, and not playing anymore. Thanks so much for this blog! God bless everyone reading this as you heal from your N relationship.

  9. thank you Patrice! I will do that.

  10. hi,
    thanks for the advice. no,i have not sold my home yet, and am going to take it off the market.my final divorce hearing is Friday, and I am looking forward to ending this. next time I see her,i will wave. may I ask, do you believe this is going to stop anytime soon?

  11. Hi. I am glad you are not selling your house. That would be giving her way too much power and control over you and your actions. Here is an article I found very helpful. Maybe you will too. Be boring. Be a gray rock. If you ignore them long enough, they will move on to greener pastures.

    http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

  12. Thy are all true, but the last point is what broke me and then helped realize what kind of person my mother is. She told the whole family what a selfish person I was cause she couldn’t manipulate money out of us, even though my whole life I spent taking care of her every need. Now those who believed her and turned against me are no longer in my life. I say if you didn’t believe in me in the first place you will never believe me! I have a very low contact relationship with her now and she has become a stranger. I think she still daily tries to punish me for walking away but they mostly don’t bother me anymore. Let the haters hate, I have better people around now!

  13. I understand their behavior is disorder-based, but narcissists do things that are inexcusable. I am Christian 20-something who is trying to move on from a narcissistic father and stepmother. After nearly two years of treatment, I am a lot better, but I still cannot completely forgive the two of them.

    It’s a shame these people wanna stay babies all their lives. If you look at how narcs never let you reach the emotional age of 21 and how they deny responsibility, everything they do is to run away from their issues and problems. They live in such fear of shame that most never get out of themselves. It’s like they fear the authority figure(s) that shamed them in the first place.

    Right now, I am setting my sights on creating a ministry based on art music and media. Part of that ministry would help people who have been abused by toxic people like narcissists. I also pray that because of forums like these, people will give their hearts to Jesus or at least wake up and think about how they are parenting their kids. That’s where this disorder starts – the formative years of childhood. If you love a child the right way, they will succeed, but loving a child out of desperate wants or wishes will disappoint you and wreck your child.

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