Things Narcissists Do

Things Narcissists Do…


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1. THEY REFUSE RESPONSIBILITY.

It’s not their fault. Not EVER. It’s always your fault. His fault. Her fault. To a narcissist, it’s not their fault they hurt you, it’s your fault for being hurt-able. If your feelings are hurt, it’s not their fault; it’s your fault – for having feelings. (You may be told that you’re “choosing” to feel bad about the hurtful things they’ve done, and that it’s the wrong “choice”.) If caught doing something insensitive or selfish, they will tell you they “had to” do it because of someone or something else. If you imply that anything is their responsibility, they give you excuses and lies, and often, if those fail to work, they will finally make it clear that the bottom line is they simply don’t care because they don’t have to, and the fact that you care is just unnecessary or wrong. From their perspective, you shouldn’t care — you should get it right like they do, and be more like they are. Uncaring.

2. THEY LIE.

Narcissists lie to make themselves look good. They lie to get out of emotional responsibility. They lie to manipulate. They lie to gain influence. They lie out of habit. Life is a game to narcissists – a game they have to think they’re winning – and truth is one casualty in their game plan. The only time a narcissist has any interest in telling the truth is when it will serve them or cost them nothing to do so. The rest of the time, they don’t consider it necessary or important to be all that honest. Honesty can impede their self-gratification and compromise their powerful persona, and they don’t like that. To narcissists the truth is frequently “flexible” and optional. There’s no such thing as an honest narcissist.

3. THEY LOOK DOWN ON YOU.

Narcissists have to make themselves feel bigger by convincing themselves others are smaller by comparison. They’re no strangers to being condescending, snobby, clique-ish, elitist and superior; however, they may be very good at hiding their disdain to prevent a loss of popularity, which narcissists know brings them power. Narcissists with money look down on the working class. Narcissists in the working class look down on those with more money. Educated narcissists dismiss the opinions of those who have no degree. Narcissists with no degree claim educated people don’t actually know anything. Whatever narcissists HAVE (or think they have) is what they use to look down on others WITH. No-one else’s background, appearance, values, political persuasion, school, preferences, religion, way of life, profession or opinions are ever any good or worthy of their respect unless they themselves value and/or possess the same. If you think or choose differently from a narcissist, you’re “wrong”, and they’re “right”.

4. THEY’RE TWO-FACED.

Narcissists literally have two faces — their real face and their stage face. And neither is anything like the other. Which one you see will depend on how long you’ve known them. Narcissists can be very charming and know how to gain favor. Anyone who doesn’t know a narcissist well will tell you the narcissist is one of the greatest people they’ve ever met! They believe this is one of the most intelligent, kindest, most interesting, funny, agreeable, most attractive, talented or accomplished people ever. They may wish they themselves had it so “together” or were so popular. However, anyone who knows that same narcissist better (family members, longtime coworkers, etc) will tell you the narcissist is one of the most horribly frustrating and toxic people they know, and the mere mention of their name makes them feel uneasy, angry, frustrated or otherwise unhappy. Being the only one who is experiencing a narcissist’s real face, while all other family members or coworkers can still only see the narcissist’s stage face is a very lonely, painful and frustrating place to be. Thankfully, the number of people who can see through the facade tends to increase with time.

5. THEY’RE VINDICTIVE.

If you dare to question a narcissist or request things like healthy boundaries and honesty, you’re going to become public enemy number one. The “Mr. or Ms. Wonderful” mask immediately comes off, and there is no level they will not stoop to in order to “punish” you. They have myriad ways of attempting this; some are covert, and some are open and obvious. The narcissist has a seemingly inexhaustible obsession for making people who cross them “pay”. Once they set their sights on you, you’re a permanent enemy, and their seething spite will feel as intense years down the road as it did when it first began. The length of time they can keep up the full intensity of their hatred for you and their campaign to exact revenge is absolutely dumbfounding to non-narcissistic people.

6.THEY PROJECT PSYCHOLOGICALLY.

Many mentally disordered individuals project frequently. Narcissists, however, are some of the most actively and severely projecting people encountered. Ever full of accusations and criticisms, the most crazy-making thing about most of the narcissist’s claims is that YOU are doing exactly what THEY are doing. (Projection.) Have they just lied to you? Well, you’re about to be called dishonest. Are they cheating you out of an opportunity? You’re going to get the finger pointed at you for being sneaky. And you can’t say a word to them about something hurtful they have done, because that makes you an abuser – of them. You can’t give them anything but glowing feedback without their raging at you, but you’ll be the one constantly criticized severely and then called freakishly oversensitive if you show any feelings about it. And if they say so, it’s law — you don’t know what you’re talking about.

7. THEY SMEAR PEOPLE WHO OPPOSE THEM.
Narcissists are allergic to healthy boundaries and fairness. If you question the insensitive things they do or put any limits whatsoever on their bad behavior, you will be targeted for social, professional, or personal obliteration. Whatever narcissists perceive to be your psychological or situational “weak spots” will be their prime targets. For instance, if the narcissist knows that your greatest fear is social ridicule, that will be the main focus of the smear campaign. If he or she knows that recently, you made a mistake for which you feel guilty, that will be used against you. Narcissists know that the more effectively they can pinpoint your insecurities or flaws, the more successful they will be in eroding your confidence and your influence. And if they manage to do that, they stand a good chance of getting back the power they planned to do whatever they pleased with before you “got in their way”.

  1. I was at the grocery checkout yesterday, and left with such cognitive dissonance. The cashier was a Trangendered individual. He/She dressed and acted very ostentatiously. He has all the people in the checkout line enthralled with him, but honestly I smell crap, and they smell roses. He peppers his conversations with how he was in the Marines (he has a mega deep voice but dresses like a woman) and how he made $17,000 a month. His former wife left him for his lawyer, and now he can’t find a woman (Perhaps this has something to do with painting his nails and dressing like a woman?). And there are more details revealed. I feel like I got to hear more about him in five minutes than in five years with most people. I also think it was all lies ($17,000 a month…no way…etc.).
    So, while he was giving this “performance” the line was stagnant. In fact, I was honestly feeling slightly impatient although I am normally extremely patient. Finally, he apparently was so self ingrossed that he failed to give the woman ahead of me five cents in change. She felt like she needed to wait till I finished to get her five cents. (I don’t understand that degree of concern with five cents, but whatever. lol) So, I paid her the five cents out of my own pocket. And she said “Oh, I bet he just wanted to get rid of us!” I said “No, I just hate someone having to wait for five cents.” Then, the transexual cashier said in Ego to the maximum potency mode” “You don’t want me to go all Vampire on you!”. I didn’t respond….it gave me so much cognitive dissonance. I mean…”Is that a threat?”. I got home and since “cognitive dissonance” is one red flag for me as are lies…so I searched “Transexuals” and “Narcissism”. Sam Vaknin has some interesting things to say; namely being that Transexuals who have a heterosexual orientation are much more likely to be pathological narcissists.
    TMI grocery trip….many intimate details, and lies, and a veiled threat.
    I made a complaint to the grocery store.
    I predict he/she will deny, lie, or say I’m too sensitive.
    Unbelievable.

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    • So, what you’re saying here is that you complained to the manager of a store in order to get a trans grocery clerk fired. Over a nickel.

      Yeah I think I’m starting to sense that cognitive dissonance, too.

      I don’t have all the facts, I wasn’t there. But my red flags and warning bells went off, too. May I respectfully request, please be sure you’re not using narcissitic abuse syndrome as a cover for transphobia.

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      • So if you report a transexual employee who threatens you, it’s transphobia?
        I think you might want to think about that.
        Enough said.

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      • If you like to use the words “Narcissistic Abuse syndrome”, then there are better sides for you to visit. Obviously you are at a higher stage of healing and might need to move on.

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  2. Does a Narcissist realize he or she is a Narcissist?

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  3. awesommmme!!!

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  4. He just treats people so awful yet those he considers enemies he’s actually respectful towards. It’s weird.

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  5. My roommate is a total narcissist. Love him to death, but it’s getting tiring seeing him treat people he’s supposedly to close to so awfully. Just recently he got into a spat with his sister in regards to what he was going to get his brother in law for Christmas. The sister did not like the gift idea and my roommate asked her why she cares what he’s buying her cheating husband anyway(He had an affair and they are working through it).

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  6. some of these comments seem like these people are just dealing with jerks not a narcissist A real narcissist usually has one specific person who is the main focus. I have my sister.She is funny/attractive (surgery) drives the best car/hasw the most beautiful clothes/jewelry/dog/house lots of “friends” as long as they don’t misbehave(I have heard all the “bad” things they have done to her). Yet when I meet someone who finds out she is my sister all they do is praise her Each one of them thinks they are her BFF If we are out and we meet one of them she showers them with kisses, I love yous, and compliments. After they leave she tells me what a jerk they are can can you believe what they had on???? If we meet someone neither of us know and she thinks I am getting undo attention she will say something like “I am the nice sister” If on the rare occasion I call her out she will tell me that is not what happened and I had too much wine to remember correctly. I get all the stories about her people who she thinks did not help her when she needed it To walk the dog/feed her cats while she was on vacation (they had all done it numerous times). So the people who posted that their narcissist yell and abuse them in front of people are talking about SIMPLE BULLY. There is nothing simple about a narcissist’s behavior.

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  7. Yes, my thoughts on these poisonous, toxic creatures are that they should be euthanized all of them. They are not worthy of love, your time and most importantly your energy to deal with them. Listen to Nicole Scherzingers song Run it describes the n narcissist to a T. Love to all Mel xx

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  8. My soon-to-be ex-husband to the T. At least he didn’t cheat on me (I guess other people weren’t as stupid to fall for him like I did; either that, or he’s so full of himself being so loyal that he didn’t even look for someone else, who knows.) His minion is his own mother, my soon-to-be mother-in-law, Queen of Narcissism, as I call her. But her narcissism is a bit different than that of my soon-to-be ex-husband. I caught on her years before I realized that he was a narcissist. Actually, I didn’t know that I was dealing with two narcissistic people. I just was able to see my MIL for who and what she was not knowing it had a name (NPD.) And I could and still can handle her a lot better than I do my future ex-husband. With him, everything is more subtle. Unfortunately, I’m stuck having to live with him until the court rulings, especially since we have a toddler together. A little difficult to do no contact or minimal contact when I’m forced by the court to stay there until everything is over.

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  9. LaVone L Blakeman

    Oh, yeah, and even when we do fight, he never puts me down unless I really enrage him. He has never it me. But I know that he accidentally/on purpose etc me see the messages he was getting but when I asked him who he was talking to, he denied it. And this went on for days.

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  10. LaVone L Blakeman

    I think that I am in a relationship with a narcissist. But he doesn’t have all of the normal narcissistic traits that I have been reading about. I am so confused! Theyou say narcissist have no emotional attachment to anyone, or anything. But yet, he keeps everything that I have ever given him. And he bought me a gift for valentine’s day last year, that played a very telling piece of music, which he basically said that it was how he felt about me. And I met his ex, that controlled him, and treated him badly. But yet, he has done so many things to me, that are exactly to the letter of the 3 stages of his agenda. The most recent one being that I feel as if he was trying to make me think that I am crazy. But yet he claims that he doesn’t believe that he is narcissistic. He claims that he just doesn’t I’ve a crap anymore, because his ex’s of his past treated him so badly, that he will never be treated like that again. It took him 2-3 years to actually say that he loved me. Can it be that he really was so abused by his ex that he really didn’t care? But yet, I caught I’m telling other women that I am jealous. Or have jealousy issues. So yeah, I’m very cono used.

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  11. Our Presidential Candidates in a nutshell!
    🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

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  12. My ex husband has borderline personality disorder i have discovered but there are a lot of similarities and probably has a little of both depending on the situation one disorder takes lead over the other. My ex also had a big heart & a lot of love and would be able to show it when he felt safe and in control but the slightest sense of his loss of control would cause him to snap and flip a different switch. Then the insecurities would flood him & projection and anger & insane DEFENSE mode would come. I could agree with him and he would argue that, that was not what I was saying. He told me what I was saying and thinking and what I meant. Years of emotional abuse from this & he really needs help. I don’t think narcissists can change. It’s kind of who they are but someone with BPD can with help. Does anyone know about BPD or know anyone with it? Google the symptoms of it and you may discover that you know someone that has it. Or maybe even find that the person you think is a narcissist is more borderline than narcissistic. Like I said people with BPD or more sensitive and have more of a heart which can even be harder to leave.

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  13. I dated a Narcissist for six months.. Six long, confusing, eventful, dramatic, months of hell. I had no idea what the problem was at the time. Never knew about Narcissm and the traits of one. All I knew was that the charming, handsome, charitable, business owner who did so much for the community was the full package I had eyes for. Since the day he noticed me, I was hooked! I mean, what was there not to like? The first month was great. He brought me around his buddies, and we hung out on the regular. He would text me all through out the day and wanted to see me every chance he had. He was so into me at first. Then, he switched it up like you wouldn’t believe. He became distant, unavailable, and then apparently who was I to ask questions about his whereabouts because we “we’re not together” All that attention he gave me from the start he slowly took away from me. Eventually our dates, and hanging out turned into just laying up in bed all night. He showed no affection, and never wanted to talk about our feelings or a future. How confusing! Then, the minute I wanted to call it quits he would guilt me and say things like “you’re just too sensitive! It can’t always be your way all the time! You need to be patient or I’m going to pull away further.” Every time he did something to hurt my feelings, I would try to work it out and talk to him about it and his response was always “I don’t have time for this.” Or “you just want a man that does whatever you say”. I can be needy at times but not too needy. I mean damn, we went from talking non stop to me barely ever getting a text back. Then, he would claim he had no time to take me out anymore but made time to take trips with his buddies. Many times I would catch him in lies because of my woman instincts and he would just call me CRAZY all the time. But I knew in my heart that something was not right. This man claimed he would change every time I took him back. Never got an apology. Always blamed my frustration towards him on his actions. Nothing he did was ever wrong or his fault. It was always something I did that made him hurt my feelings. There were times I would cry and cry to him and beg him for answers as to why he was treating me this way. Sometimes he would block me, and then respond the next day with “So are you ready to act normal now?” My tears meant nothing to him. He would blow me off for his friends and then laugh with his friends about how “crazy” I am towards him. When really I just wanted answers as to why he was such a complete heartless two faced prick. But I had to face the reality of it and that’s that he knows what he is. And he is perfectly fine with it.. A Narc will never be sorry for his actions.

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  14. Yes yes yes. My narcisisst does all of this. He has poisoned our friends against me to where I have no one but him. He has told everyone all of my secrets and private business. I have come to hate him so much I can’t stand the sound of his voice. I’m convinced he’s evil. No one sees this side of him but me. They think he’s a great guy. They don’t realize he talks about them behind their backs. Always saying what losers they are. I have to get away from him before I go insane.

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  15. does a narcissist only show that to one person or victim or do they have control over it that much? if they act that way to me are there other targets too?

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  16. Patricia Adamache

    I left a narc husband many years ago. My 52 year old daughter also has the disorder. Is it genetic?

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  17. everything written here is the absolute truth..if you are mentally weak and easily swayed..a narcissists can convert you to be like them..i’ve been hurt by one and i know how it feels to be treated like trash..though there are struggles in forgetting this event in my life..the narcissist i know is the weakest and most coward person i know..nothing inside and out..nothing to be proud of..all the years spent is just trying to grease up people of their wants..if not for all of us how came to this narc’s life…there is nothing..and it will just be an unending cycle of using and harming people in this narc’s lifetime..it’s pity i feel..each time ..but there are 6billion people..to victimize..still long ways to go..goodluck to you narcissists..one day you’ll meet your match..one’s who’s brave to swat you like a fly…

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  18. i’m a narcissist. finally saw it earlier this year, since i have been trying to change and improve myself, im getting there, slowly, im able to identify when i am being narcissistic, the behaviours and why i do those behaviours, im learning to change my behaviour.
    and looking back over my past, im ashamed.
    but i really didnt know, thats the problem with narcys, getting us to see it.
    ive read as they get older they get better.. i dont know.
    i just wanted to say its not all doom and gloom.
    some of us can change.

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  19. Can two narcissist co-exist as a (gay) couple?

    What if one is extream narcissist and the other is somewhat but still has that normal core values and knows right from wrong. (THATS ME😉). Im kind humble n giving. I called him out long ago….but let him play his “Game” ALWAYS 10steps a FAR from him just observing him like a hunting LION, low n quiet….ONCE HE HAS ME FED UP. I pounce on him n SHERED HIM TO Pieces…and let him know HIS TRUTHS.
    Still loving him, but decerves a good ass wooping. Im here giving him a taste of his own medicine. DOES THAT MAKE ME A NASTY NARCISSIST?
    And i catch myself doing things or the oposite as to not GIVE HIM THE PLEASURE OF HAVING THE UPERHAND CUS HE HATES LOOSING CONTROL

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    • To answer your question: Can two narcissists coexist as a gay couple?
      My answer would be yes. But they wouldn’t be able to sustain themselves without taking advantage of or deceiving good people. So, there would be other people in their lives as side shows.
      I know a Lesbian bully couple. The big bully lures the elderly and handicapped into her house so she can take advantage of them. (Her son has a nationwide criminal record…he spreads HIV like he’s selling hotcakes). The other lesbian is more of a covert lesbian. Although they both do “poor me” stories, this one will really have you believing she isn’t a part of this heinous scenario. However, how many moral people do you know who would want a partner who can lure the elderly and handicapped into their house to financially abuse them?
      So, they both are narcissists…one more overt, and the other more covert. And they feed off of other people.

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  20. I am writing this while my Narc sits in bed, reading the paper. I type quickly because, if she sees me writing she will immediately demand to see who I am communicating with. I have known that she is a Narc for about a year. I was subjected to the “love bombing” and adulation for the first few months of our relationship, then it slowly slid downhill. My friends won’t visit because they find her self obsession tedious. She’s almost sixty, with a very nice. strong physique, but her determination never to age is almost pathetic. She dresses like a teenage gang-banger and cultivates friendships among her twenty-something co-workers. They all laugh behind her back and call her “Mom.” She is always on a new workout routine or diet. Right now it’s calorie counting, next week it will be something else. She refuses to age gracefully and likes nothing better than to flash her breasts to strangers because she knows it embarrasses me. She is covering herself in hideous tattoos because the young people she knows are doing it. She’s a total slob and has no regard for my sensibilities, she’s “just being herself.” I know now what “narcissistic rage” is all about. During an argument about her lack of contributions to the household expenses, admittedly fuelled by a bit too much wine, she flew into a violent rage and beat me bloody and nearly unconscious. She was arrested and jailed, charged with three felonies. I was implored by her attorney to write a letter to the judge, asking for leniency and, like an idiot, I did it. She was released on probation and a couple of months later, after promises and apologies, she moved back in. Like most Narcs, she can’t keep up the facade and has reverted to type. She is truly unpleasant with her constant complaining and has even accused me of “ruining her life”, even though she was the one who became violent… just another narcissist blaming the victim for her own bad behavior. I am hoping that she will deide to move out because, in a typical narc projection, she says I am making her feel unwelcome. Good. I want to live the remainder of my life with someone who actually cares about me, as I care about them.

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  21. I really need to escape from two extremely sadistic psychopathic and NPD relatives, but I don’t do it because of financial problems but more importantly because I fear what they will do to me(they’re criminally dangerous)

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  22. Omg my fiancé s first kids mom has treated me like this the whole 7 yrs I’ve been with him. And now we have a son together who is almost two. She is a nightmare who hates me and has always tried to make our lives miserable and uses their daughter as a pawn. The poor girl just cried herself to sleep bc and Won’t let him see her. Instead of thinking of her child and puts hey selfish needs first

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  23. Can a narc ever change, should I give up hope? Her and I dated for 3 years, I had hopes early on of getting married to her but saw unusual behaviors especially the lack of accountability and her calling all the shots!

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  24. Any thoughts on a covert narc boss?

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  25. Gradually, I am gaining some insight into the narcissistic personality disorder. After months of silence from me, the NPD I have abruptly called and then wrote, saying outrageous things. It has finally dawned on me that the NPD thinks that the more outrageous the charges are, the more likely she is to get a response from Silent Me.
    The main purpose of the hurtful remarks, in other words, is to GET A RESPONSE, TO GET THAT MISSING ATTENTION.
    As baby, this one had a hateful, critical, hurtful mother, and that’s why she is psychologically-arrested in childhood. She knows critical, hurtful remarks will get a response, because that’s the way her mother/child relationship worked.

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  26. I’ve managed to get out of an 11 year marriage to a narcissist, and it was my second time in moving with my son to achieve this. Even to this day my perpetrator cannot seem to understand why this marriage has ended. He seems to find it easier to bury the facts of the rape and threats to kill me, along with the threats of suicide if I left him, and the continuous self harming. In the end him pleading mental health (even though his doctor refuses to give him medication!!) He now plays the victim, and mirrors everything I’ve said to him. He now chooses to blame me in order to gain the sympathy vote from his friends and family. And they seem to be blinkered, even though he has apparently behaved in the same manner to other women. We are due to go to court at the end of May to settle finances, I am having to face him for the first time in 12 months, and even now I feel sick in having this over me. I am at the moment attending the ‘Freedom Programme’ which I have done before, but this time I have my eyes wide open as to the tactics of how a narcissist works. The devious ways in which they manipulate and snare individuals into thinking the way they do. He is so so dangerous, and sometimes I feel justice won’t be done.

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  27. From experience with a NARC…..get out, stay away and DO NOT have any contact with that person. This will be the best thing for you in the long run…you will be able to BREATH AGAIN!

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  28. I am feeling numb and empty since I made the choice to leave my narcissizt of 8 years it has,been hell for me and I just want peace!!!

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  29. My narc did every single thing as though he were following the narc how-to manual. I had no idea these people use identical methods and they aren’t even aware the timeline is predictable, identifiable and pathological. He love bombed me. Continually future faked me. Initially I found all the attention annoying and strange but then I began to anticipate it and need it. About that time, he began the cycle of withholding affection and attention randomly. This created in me an addiction pattern. He constantly triangulated me with co workers, his ex’s and any new person he met. He sadistically would send me texts that were “mistakenly” sent to me but meant for another potential supply. He would say “I’m sorry I upset you” but never “I’m sorry for what I did”. He would send pics in the middle of the night that he was out with someone, but the next day would say calm down it was just a friend. Through the devalue phase he frequently went missing and never replied promptly. Once he had chosen his new supply I was abused emotionally until I left while he said you don’t have to leave stop being so insecure. I tried no contact but let him back in and he abused me again so I told to never contact me again to which he replied “Goddamnit” Classic. I’m empty, sad, insecure and afraid but I will get my life back.

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    • This is unbelievable this is my story EXACTALLY!!! He has found his new “supply” I was that just 7 mos ago . He has crushed me and I am going to give him his things and have no more contact. Do narcissistic people typically go back to old supply once they have found someone else to victimize. I just don’t want the drama. I assume once you are used up by them they could careless because they have someone else they stop trying to victimize you?

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    • You are not alone!!!! I am in the same exact boat. We can and will get thru this! ❤️

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  30. Nope they can never change nor do they want to, they are opportunist, always looking for someone or something that they dont have to work for or at, its all about them what ever makes them look good and feel good, I did see all the red flags the dating not even a week after his fifth wife passed, then he chased after me I said no, i could never trust you. so he slept with a stranger at a casino. because she bought him drinks.. he worked on me for 6 months till i finally went out on a date it was horrible, he then bought me a ring and and earrings and etc etc, he wasn’t even married to the last one for more then 18 months convinced her son he was a saint and then took everything he could money wise and her home the only thing that should of went into probate, but he got a crooked lawyer that put everything in there so he could have half. hes waiting till next year and he will claim on her SSI to widow’s benefits… but oh he said it was the legal way to steal all she worked hard for.. I had to tolerate him fooling around with her married sister even buying her a cell phone so they could call behind her husbands back, i tried to walk but he cried and called me the bad one.. for not being understanding.. etc etc i finally ended it three years after , and he hung on for a year with the i love you BS yet always calling me filthy names and cutting me down.. i finally went and talked to him face to face and let him end it.. now he finally is leaving me alone.. nothing was or ever is his fault all the other wife’s all cheated on him.. NOT!! Hes the cheater the liar the sociopath narcest, I hope i never ever meet another person like that, i’m so glad I never married that person. he has slammed me to the late wife’s family and i dont even know them, he has no friends i have never met one friend or family member the whole four years I knew him. i have had him use the silent treatment on me, stand me up on dates, all for him to say get over it like it was OK for him to treat me that way. he even sold my things to another narcest he and i both know just to jab that knife in deeper.

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    • Oh my god this article just spoke of my three and a half year long hell and nightmare I have been living. This man is all of it and did all of it. Wow! I’m sad that others have been through this as well but I’m grateful I’m not the only one who went through this in this sick sick world of these people. I’m so grateful I am out now!

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  31. Can they ever change? I’ve known a few and its scary.is there anyway to deal with them? Or help them without getting hurt ourselves? .most don’t even have a clue how very sick they are.

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    • yes anyone can change unless they are a psyhcpath. They have the inability to feel empatahy naturally. An alcoholic can act this way, but getting help and changing their selfishness will turn them from most of it. Most people dont want to change unless forced into it by lifestlye and great misery. It usually takes a spirtual awakening or a life meaning change to be seriuos enough to do the work, and the work is required to change. Not over night but a lifestyle change forever. IUt is easy to slip back into old patterns.

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    • They will most probably never change.
      I lived 2,5 years with one – almost lost my sanity.

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  32. How do they go through life hurting and using so many people? Why use nice people and then just beat them down like there nothing. Do they have no conceance or even a soul. I was lied to cheated on betrayed yet some how it was my fault I was called a liar and a cheater. Now I’m getting the silent treatment. Because he’s not getting anymore attention from me. If anyone he knows started liking me he would tell them lies. Then when confronted. He would rage and call names. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.

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  33. I am living this day in day out & we have the most beautiful sweet child that I try to shield from this !!!!! I don’t know how much longer I can cope ?

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  34. Good for all of you for leaving. My creap narcissist husband lives in my home which I OWN OUTRIGHT before I knew him. He makes $26.00 an hour full time and I make $12.00 and I only manage to get 4 days a week work. I pay all the groceries gas utility bills property tax house insurance ect.. With $700.00 every 2 weeks and my over due credit cards. My aging father helps me too. My husband is in debt he says because of me and his helping with all the bills. We were separated for a yr and he’s been back for a yr and hasn’t paid a dime and he’s saying I made him broke paying all the utilities and house bills since he came back. My father and I have been paying all the house bills food etc. He has $15.00.00 to blow. What does he do with it all but spend it on his sluts and smoking but it’s ALL MY FAULT. And he won’t leave and I’m trying to kick him oht

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    • If you own the house outright and you don’t want him there, you have every right to call the police and have him removed.

      Like

  35. I divorced a narcissist five years ago and I am remarried now to a normal person. I have interim full custody of my daughter now because of her boyfriend’s verbally abusive behavior and she still does not get it. She refuses to give our daughter her property that she asked for (sports equipment and the like) and she rebels by not answering emails about normal and important issues. So, I decided that it was just easier to block her out completely. If something is needed she knows how to reach me and other than this there is no need to converse. The economic depravity of a child is sickening but you know what? It is just stuff and it will cost a little bit of money in contrast to a lot of strife to get the child some of her property back.

    I may file for child support later but for now… I just cut all communications off and it feels very nice.

    Like

    • Please PLEASE help me! Tell me how you managed to get full custody! I currently do have full for my infant… but my narc ex threatens that he won’t stop (with court) until he has her half time. Please help me. 😦

      Like

  36. Yes!! Every single one. He told me during an extremely rare ‘apology’ for his latest rage/verbal abuse that his anger has negatively affected every single relationship in his life, “except for those that don’t really know me.” There it is, from the mouth of an emotional vampire. Of course when questioned that he said that, he outright denied it. In court no less. He has two distinct facades, and a long string of ‘crazy’ exes. Wife, bosses, roommates. He’s the most jealous man I’ve ever known, even down to being jealous of my natural abilities. Everything is a competition. He is never at fault. To admit fault would be certain death for his ego. And projection? Wow I now see just how much b.s. he was into, the accusations out of the blue at me is exactly what HE was doing!

    So glad to know I’ll never have to walk on eggshells again, no more fight or flight, no more crazymaking! Recovery isn’t easy, but it is full of hope. It took being drug into his darkness for me to see just how bright the world can be! And No Contact!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  37. Narcissists are broken, diabolical and evil people. And if there’s a hell, they are the FIRST ones to enter its gates. They are soul less creatures and if you have a hint or clue about them, RUN, do not walk away from them. I consider them DAMNED SOULS. I’ve married one for over 34 years and he has tried to destroy my faith and well being through psychological, pahysical, financial and emotional abuse. I wish I never met him but it was not until Mel Gibson the actor was publicized about this condition that I had a LIGHT come on the define what I had been dealing with in my life and marriage relationship. This is to warn others of how destructive and dangerous these people really are. So now it’s up to you to make a WISER and SAFE CHOICES in partners.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I have been back and fourth with my ex husband for 46 years whom I have struggled with and lost everything. My self worth, my dignity. He has demoralized me and controlled me to the extent that I tried to commit suicide.But i now find some kind of relief to know that it isn’t me. He is a true narcissist by this information I have read. It is sad that the people that love them have to struggle through life because they make them feel they are the ones with the problems.

      Like

  38. yes this is deaf Cindy Larsen!

    Liked by 1 person

  39. I have a very awkward relationship with an in law. Since the common bond a family member died ten years ago an interaction between us leaves me feeling mad . Her late father was a,spiritualist and recently in church she stood up and said she had the gift of discernment. This was at a concert. I couldn’t get out quickly enough. A mutual friend expressed doubts Bout her mental health. If I have had discussions with her I have invariably disclosed facts I wish I had not revealed. I end up wondering whether she or I or both are mentally deranged. Post Christmas this year was the worst. I attended Christmas lunch for the sAke of two younger family members, but the Christmas toast over the Pinot Noire not forgetting the dear departed in length, including grandparents, but forgetting living family members who are usually present left me feeling cold. Talks of the Shakespearean play Cymbeline with its character Posthumus Did little to help. On leaving before another meal she was lighting a taper for the candles and said she wouldn’t give me a hug in case she caught my hair on fire. Ironically ally, as I write I am starting to laugh hysterically which is probably good because at the time it felt awful. I was prey to the most awful nightmare that evening and I don’t usually remember dreams. I dreamed of strange things to do with no electricity and my levitating in the dark towards the ceiling. And it was only saying vein creator spirit’s that brought me back to wakefulness although at that point I was beginning to believe in dark powers _ my Scrabble board seem to becoming something else and the little black soup bowls with the lid she had given me for Christmas looked like miniature cauldron. I do not drink alcohol and I didn’t see any mushrooms. It was so good to get back to the world of work the next day. Which one of us is the mad one? Or maybe we both are.

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  40. anonymousWhat2do

    Every word of this describes the marriage I am in to a T!!! It is my life daily stuck in the game of my narcissiats husband. I feel guilty calling him that and terrified at the same time because if he knew I was even reading this he would make me pay beyond believe. Now the question is how do I improve the situation?? What can I do to make the interactions with the narcissists better?? I do not want to be divorced and dishonor God. I also have to protect my children!!!!! What can I do to protect my children from this horrific abuse and myself? My Narcissistic husband is great at his show and words in public.. he knows how to manipulate the court/everyone/he uses God too.. his mom is his number one fan and I believe a bit of a narcissist too. I do not want to talk badly about them… I need a solution to this Big problem!!! What do I do!!

    Like

    • As a born again Christian, I learned the hard way that it is a SIN to stay in an abusive marriage. God is not up in Heaven smiling down in pleasure while you and your children are being abused. Your body is the temple of God, so honor God by taking care of and protecting His Temple and your children and GET OUT!!!! By staying, you are abusing your children as well, and when they grow up the baton of abuse will be passed to another generation, because that is all they know. Have Faith that when you choose to honor God and His Temple, that He will take care of you and your children.

      Like

    • Divorce is not a dishonor to God. Is is not his perfect will but it is not his perfect will for us to suffer either. I prayed for peace and deliverance and God delivered me out of a horrible marriage. My narcissist husband filed for a divorce and refused to leave the house once we were divorced. I was devastated at first, but I am so happy now. No more silent treatment, blaming, devaluation, pathological lies, sleeping with my friends, accusations, etc. The list can go on and on with a narcissist. Narcissists are almost demonic. I am not spiritually obligated to him and I look forward to falling in love again with a normal person.

      Like

  41. Aside from the “Smear Campaign” aspect of the NPD personality, which is due to us still being together,this describes my wife of 12 years perfectly.
    I feel sorry for her because I see that she lives a miserable existence. I can only imagine that she will never know true, internal peace and happiness. Her life will be filled with constant worry, uncertainty and anxiety.
    She came very close to breaking my spirit but I am too strong for that. This strength was my asset but also my liability. I’m a natural problem solver and what better project than a narcissist. I was so out of my league dealing with her. I’m not out of my marriage yet but I’m working on it. I owe a better life to myself and my kids.

    Liked by 1 person

  42. I was married to a narcissist for 30 yrs. I knew there an issue with him, i just didnt know what it was until recently. Signs…needed admiration constantly. Lies… Affairs.. Had everything a man would want but was never enough. Always looking for something better. Couldnt handle money…excessive spender. We divorced after 30 yrs. he was having another affair. Said i was a strong woman and didnt need him. His girlfriend was low income and admired him. He said i didnt look up to him enough. That just really bothered him. 6 months before her he told me he was happy with me and our marriage. Happier than he had ever been in his life. Always flip flopping. I never knew what kind of mood he would be in each day. If i caught him doing something wrong he would punish me. He would go for 4 to 5 days without talking to me or be mean if he had to. Punishing me for calling him out on his actions. Always telling me that he had never cheated on me. I now know there were several times. I walked on eggshells always trying to keep him happy. He took 30 yrs. of my life. He hasnt spoken to anyone in the family since he left. Not even the kids. Its like we never were a part of his life. No remorse….I just wish i knew yrs ago what i know now. Hind site is 20/20.

    Liked by 2 people

    • 7 years for me now and two kids. I was 17 when I met my husband and he was 26 at the time. He has had a affair on me which he denies to this day says I make it up… I caught him with her! I get punished for his wrongs and If I ask him about his day he gets angry.. we talk about what he wants when he wants and I agree with everything or its trouble!!! When I met my husband I greatly admired him… over the years with all the abuse I lost that and he knows I don’t and tries to punish me daily! Its amazing to me howuch this article and your story sound just like my life!!

      Like

    • Oh my my!!! You seriously JUST described my life in like a mirror!!! The 30 years, the signs, his just dropping out of his entire family’s lives, including his own kids, seeking lower companions, the flip-flopping….WOW. PERFECT description!! He was even tested MMPI and ranked high in all the cluster B catagories. Thank you for your share. It validates how crazy this journey is and how we are not alone. I wish you well. Recovering from NPD abuse is a process. My 4 year old twins and I are moving forward–he signed his parental rights away in exchange for not having to pay any financial support and it’s been the best blessing I have ever received in my life! I have no contact with him, although I hear a few things through mutual aquaintences. He’s in a new relationship doing the same damn thing to her. My only regret, like you, is that I feel like 30 years of my life was stolen. I still deal with the vacillating between anger and grief and the crazy thing is sometimes I miss the guy I thought he was, yuck and ugh!! That’s just part of the process of recovering from the trauma of it all. However, I am inching toward acceptance slowly but surely. Just looking forward from here. Thank you again.

      Liked by 1 person

  43. Sounds like my sister and my estranged daughter!!

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  44. Don’t forget to add the long term insidious and covert manipulation called Gas Lighting.

    I left my NARC abuser over a year ago. He is a cop too. I did it without family or friends, no support system once so ever. Of course I was the crazy one, no one could possibly believe that he, “a cop and good man”could have done the horrid things I was telling them. My family still thinks I have some serious mental problems. In reality, I do, I suffer from PTSD. PTSD isn’t a psychiatric condition, it’s the reaction to incomprehensible things that have been DONE TO ME. He’s had over 20 years to hone his skills. To use covert interrogations on my kids and self. MY only defense is educating myself. Two years of reading EVERYTHING I could get my hands on. Internet, library and psychology text books. I’ve closely observed my NARC’s behavior. I’ve learned how to set him off when I need to be left alone. I’ve learned to “feed the pig”, an analogy I came up with. Feeding his bottomless pit of the need to be adored, complimented endlessly, being told his ideas and accomplishments are genius. I feed the pig to redirect or distract him from behavior that’s effecting my boys. He has no idea he’s being manipulated. I’ve never in my entire life spent my time and energy on manipulating another person, this doesn’t come naturally to me. I just educated myself. He can’t win if he doesn’t know he’s at war with a woman who’s had MORE than enough. The courts are a joke, attorneys are useless.

    Be safe, be strong, BE SMART

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh my gosh….right?! My ex is a sergeant at a police department! He scares the sh*t out of me but I refuse to take it anymore! Luckily my family sees him for what he is–a low life, manipulative, evil narcissist. I would be lost without their support. I did the same….read everything I could find. I totally get where you’re coming from….and as you say THE COURTS ARE A JOKE, ATTORNEYS ARE USELESS!! I don’t understand how the courts don’t get this???? 80% of the people in family courts must be narcissists! And yet, they still keep giving him what he asks for!!!

      Like

    • Heather
      I know this is late and your post is 5 months old but I have to tell you My God, your experience with your Narc us exactly like mine. He left me out of the blue and took all the money from our business. I was furious , and hurt and seriously shaken but I realize he can’t take my soul

      Like

    • I agree stay educated… Just a few months into a relationship with a NARC and what a tailspin!!! Can’t imagine years of a narc’ abusive world… Glad I got educated, please run fast if you sense your in a NARC’s abuse because if you don’t even a little time will really hurt you!!!

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  45. My husband is a narcissist. He finds my wreaks spots and uses them against me. He is incredibly abusive behind closed doors and in public he ruins my name by calling me crazy to others and my family and friends. I am the only one who see this abusive face. If I don’t let him play his physiological games on me he won’t buy me food to eat or give me sex or touch or social talk. I’m not allowed to work so he can control the money and he then calls me lazy because I am not working. I got out of the car recently because he was verbally abusing me in the car. I got a ride home with a kind couple and he was mad at me He said I abused him!!!!! I’m secretly looking for a job and when I get one he is gone. He won’t even buy me my hormones for me. I’ve had a total hysterectomy and have to take them. He says there is no money for them. But he smokes a pac of cigarettes a day. And there is no money for them. I am so afraid of him. He needs a physiatrist but he puts it on me and says I’m the crazy one because I yell at him all the time! Of course I’m going to yell at someone being abusive to me!

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    • I’ve had the exact same treatment lately and more I’m surviving but rang the domestic violence team in despair yesterday to check if what I’m experiencing is anise as could not tell anymore I was so confused I have got to get a job and I’m studying the things I’m trying to do he’s attacking as pointless a waste and worthless

      Like

  46. I am a registered nurse so you know I’ve read, and cognitively understood many things that I’ve read, but NEVER have I read such an article of perfection as this. If we touched down on narcissistic behavior being a true diagnoses with a true ICD9 CODE in my psych clinical and theory (of course this was in the 80’s) I absolutely do not remember it. I spoke with a Psychiatrist friend about narcissistic behavior and he said “you better watch them. They think they are the star/lead in a play and everybody else is merely a lowly character. Well put Dr. HARWOOD! I have never in my life encountered a more miserable, bitter, frustrating, aggrivating, bewildering, hurtful, agressive, controling, abusive, lowdown, with such feelings of entitlement, as this ULTRA narcissist person I met five years ago. It took a long, long, long while to get this person out of my life because it’s like you said, THEY ARE THE ONES THAT ARE WINNING AND THEY WILL DO WHATEVER NECESSARY TO WIN, WALK ALL OVER YOU DURING THE PROCESS, THEN JUST LIKE YOU SAID, PROJECT IT RIGHT BACK ON THE VICTIM. If the victim/person is already vulnerable, insecure, depressed and anxious it makes recovery extra hard. You used the word “UNCARING”…how about “NULL AND VOID OF ANY CONSCIOUS OR FEELINGS WHATSOEVER. This is perfectly written and I am blowing this as large as Office Depot can make it, to post on my wall to remind myself that I am not worthless, the deceptive or aggressive one, livng a lie, a worthless nurse, a dredge on society, etc. And I am way more stable than he will ever. Trouble is, a lot of psychological, both verbal, emotional and financial abuse went on after an almost catastrophic event (home invasion, shot twice, paralyzed but better now) while working on PTSD, drpression and anxiety, I’m now working overtime to pull myself back together. I am elderly and he was supposed to be my caregiver/supporter, etc. (THIS TRULY BORDERS ON ELDER ABUSE) But as you said, he quickly learned my weaknesses, that I have a very poor self esteem, a kind, giving heart, and although I know this person was on the brink of insanity, I still continue to wonder why I allowed myself to be be treated like this for so long. Especially since I am a very strong, independent woman with above average intelligence. I dont get it sometimes! Thanks for the beautiful, informative, affirmative, hit-the-nail-on-the-head article. I’m searching out more of your writings. So glad I ran across this. Thanks again.

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  47. Silvio Šarunić

    hi there Ana 🙂 ..great web site! 🙂 … I had abuse relationship with my (now) ex. She was control freak, she put me down, she try to isolate me from my friends, and when we broke up, I was try to “fix” all that situation,i loved her and she just keep and keep to put me down, she try to humiliate me, pointing on everything she knew about my life…. she was passive aggressive person and she couldn’t manage her emotions and reactions. She broke all of my presents to her, our pictures , photos, etc etc….It was 9 month since we broke up, and I am still healing myself from that one year relationship… i went to terapist to talk to someone, and last month i start to read more about narc personal disorder..and borderline too.. my ex got that all in one big package… so my question is: any advice how to heal faster 🙂 from narc relationship.

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