Complex Post Traumatic Stress is a Common Response to a Narcissistic Relationship
My ‘friend’ of 2 years.
Ill discuss this as it pertains to the narc. My God! My Dear God! I couldn’t breath. I prayed daily for peace, for escape, for resolution. I prayed that he’d remove the narc as far away from me as he could and cast him to hell where he came from and belongs.
To describe the narc’s presence in my life as TORTUROUS is an understatement. I was constantly being hounded, attacked, accused, shamed, put down, checked up on, my relationships (friends and family) were being attacked and invaded. Narc’s stir up and instigate trouble with your loved ones to discredit you as part of their smear campaign and to isolate you as part of their keep you manipulated campaign. Either way, the narc calculates their deviant, evil strategies then goes about exacting them regardless of who it hurts.
When someone you are so “open” to emotionally goes about systematically killing your soul, stealing your identity and trying to super impose their evil badness upon you, You WISH you were going crazy just to escape it. I used to sit and just hug and hold myself. Soothing my tattered nerves. Caressing my battled psyche. Imagine living with a relentless enemy who knows no boundaries. Someone who hates themselves so much, that they destroy those around them who have ANY sense of themselves left. I was always on guard for the next attack. I recall never feeling safe in his presence. Short of breath, fearful of what was going to upset him, prepared with a ready made “answer” to justify what I was again…”doing wrong” according to his standards.
I tried a million times to escape; in anyway I knew how. Yet the narc was always there with ready made excuses and tactics to keep me in it. Only until they moved on to their next victim, did they finally stop trying to manipulate me to keep me as a trapped victim, but even then, the relentless smear campaign and involving others (abuse by proxy) still kept his evil motivations somewhere near my doorstep. I had to change jobs. He found out where I worked and vandalized me the same day.
Everything I did to remove myself from him, he infiltrated with no concern, thought or remorse that he was actually committing these evil and illegal acts against me. It just doesnt matter to a narc. Another human being is not separate from narcs. We unfortunate victims are NOT acknowledged as having our own persona, life, feelings, thoughts, needs, rights, etc. We’re nothing more than objects to maneuver. I often told narc I felt like a vase on a shelf. Only allowed to exist when he wanted to take me off the shelf to look at me or use me. Listen to what I’ve written. Does this sound like “Love”? When you’re involved with someone and you don’t have this psychopathic disturbance, it’s PAINFUL! We empaths are good, loving people. We believe the best about others.
We stay with these disordered psychopaths and bear the brunt of the trauma; thus, CPTSD. The reality and rational thinking does NOT gel with the craziness of the narc. The longer you stay with them, the crazier you become just be being in their presence. Now, having the freedom to be around normal people, with normal responses and boundaries – I understand the narc’s psychopathy relative to normal men and relationships. The thought that I could be around someone like that makes me very sick to my stomach and scared. I never want to encounter that evil again.
When I now see the initial traits of the narc in others – I RUN! I bolt and I dont care how it makes them feel. Narc’s are toxic and dangerous; the ONLY thing for a normal person to do is to run to safety. Im still dealing with the traumatic after effects of CPTSD. As far as relationships go, I’ve thankfully got a number of very good, honest and supportive friendships, family members, ex mates and a special person who’s allowing me to relax and trust again. I’m so hopeful and thankful that I feel such safety in his presence after someone terrorized me so badly.
I wish the same for you. Be patient with yourself. It takes time and much self love to achieve. You must be your own most supportive, loving caretaker of yourself. Validate your feelings. Give yourself knowledge of this specific form of abuse. Educate yourself on the narc and their psychopathy, it will help you understand just how intensely you were abused, in such an underhanded manner that things will make sense for you, the fog will begin to lift and you’ll run towards the light as if you’re saving your life.
Much Love and many blessings to you,