New Ways To Healing

 

You begin in shock. In disbelief. You may suffer from Post Traumatic Stress (I did). As you are beginning to re-remember, the feelings are going to be overwhelming. Every emotion under the sun. Chaotic feelings. Tremendous ambivalence. Anger, hatred, vengefulness, murder, all the really nasty stuff. Terrible, soul-tearing loneliness. This is normal, this is you being human. Feel all the feelings, cry an ocean. This is grieving. I cried for 3 years, almost every day. I was comforted by this saying from mystical Judaism, “G-d counts the tears of women” (and men, I’m sure).
At the same time,

Learn everything you can about psychopathy and pathological narcissism. We are not talking just immature jerks here, or the abusive, but hardcore pathology.

Return to the past and remember and review in detail. This is not obsessing- this preoccupation is very necessary for healing because you are starting from square one — what you thought existed, did not. So you must find out what really existed- replace the pathway of emotion laden remembrance with the stark, unyielding reality.

It is through the above 3 ways that we emotionally detach-separate ourselves from the psychopath-character disordered, when we begin to grasp the massive deception and subtle, practised erosion of our beings. Always we must trust our gut as we work this out and thru.

Rehearse and reinforce that this was not a normal person, that it was a lie, that it had nothing to do with you (the hardest)- but it did happen to you- and there is no psychological rhyme nor reason to it because psychopaths-character disordered are in a mysterious class by themselves, not really from this planet as we know it.

Know that they wanted something good from you. Remember it.

You will question yourself and that is normal- people who are normal, have consciences, examine themselves, ask themselves what they could have done differently- this is part of reviewing- What could you have done? nothing- you didn’t know they were disordered- now you know- learn all you can about how they work-how they did it- that is your task- to see that they manipulated you and that you were no match for them (nor were some “experts” where psychopaths were concerned).

Discipline yourself to stop looking at your ‘faults’ as connected to the psychopath-character disordered specifically – any encounter with anyone can trigger a desire to re-evaluate one’s life and behaviour- this is normal and progressive- it’s a testament to your desire and ability to grow and transcend, to move forward and blossom- the encounter may provide the spark, the seed- your ‘faults’ or ‘weaknesses’ did not cause you to be targetted and manipulated by the character disordered.

Try not to psychologise yourself- do it with a therapist but only one who lays the blame where it belongs- on the perpetrator-abuser. Trust no one on the net to psychologise you- they have no right; and it’s the blind leading the blind, imo.

Hang out with people who emotionally support you but do not make you doubt yourself- people who try to tell you or imply that you are somehow at fault – do not confide in anyone who pathologises your behaviour or brings you pathologising theories- a psychopath-character disordered is a relationship anomaly/aberration- normal rules don’t apply and neither do theories (for that’s all they are, and largely uncompassionate, I think) about us, the survivors. As long as you continue to psychologise yourself about this (non)relationship, you remain attached.

Know that you did not have control over the encounter, that you do not have control over anything except what you choose to believe and do- choose to elevate everything around you. Choose life.

Repair what is broken- Force yourself to Turn away from the face of evil and add something to the world- even while you are in shock, take a moment to be kind to someone, some small thing or kind thought, and take charge of your soul- be the captain. I have overcome a lot of damage just by putting one step in front of the other and laying a new foundation bit by bit in repairing a bit of the world. No one can take that away from me. When you see what you can do to make the world a better place, how the world responds to you, you won’t listen to anyone who is only looking to fix you by telling you how you are broken. You have a broken,shattered heart and you already know that. End of story.

What is your goal now that you are moving away from this damaging environment? It’s important to have an elevating goal that will inspire you to greatness, spiritual and otherwise. 

If you are reading this, you are a person of considerable character and thought. You are not willing to lie down and die. You will not allow what happened to defeat you. You survived to get to this place- there is great strength in that.

Know what you stand for, what you are willing to live and to die for. Learn this about yourself as you work things through.

Know that this too shall pass and that the other side is wonderful, is amazing, something that you can’t imagine right now. You will amaze yourself. In moments of despair and moments of soul searing loneliness, know that you are not alone. You are supported. And others have gotten through this and you will too. And you will do it with the dignity that is your birthright- in a perfectly human way.

  1. Wow! All your posts are helpful. I blame myself and think something was wrong with me. I wonder how I ever got entangled with someone like that. It was over three years of up and down. He invalidated my feelings. Told me to go to hell among other horrible things. He Remained in contact with ex girlfriends and said I was too sensitive. Demanded that I call him affectionate names like sweetheart and honey and check in every night with him via phone call or text. However when he would do his distancing or disappearing act and I would bring it up, I was told I was too sensitive and other women don’t have issues that I have. I knew something wasn’t right and thought if I change and not make a fuss over things that our relationship would be better but it didn’t get better. He criticized me from how I looked physically to the job I have. Yet he was like a drug to me…. I needed him. There were times when he was wonderful and made me feel like the only woman on the planet and then switch on me to someone very hateful. I felt like trash kicked to the curb. I am very lonely and feel hopeless and in dispair and that no one will find me worthy again. I wish sometimes when I go to bed that I don’t wake up. I have truly lost myself. I smile dong everything I can to get help and get out of this suffering….it’s a horrible process.

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  2. Thank you. As I lay in bed,I am unable to sleep. I go over details and berate myself when I know my gut told me that the relationship wasn’t normal, but tried regular rules to heal it. thank you being a beacon of hope as I sort through in the dark.

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  3. Thanks for the article – the more & more I read about this disorder the more I feel like I understand what happened when I was discarded. Its been almost a year since the love of my life told me ‘he didn’t know what he wanted’ after 6 years, when he’d been sending me love texts not 2 hrs before. It completely blindsided my family, his family & all of our friends. In the two weeks that followed, me hoping for a reconciliation, went out to dinner with him when he looks me in the eye & tells me that “he hasn’t missed me so that must mean he doesn’t love me after all”. I lost my home, partner, the majority of my friends & my job all in the one day. I’ve heard everything from counsellors, like how he’s autistic through to addicted to marijuana but I feel like narcissism best describes the intense coldness that I experienced. As much as it hurts to know intellectually that none of it was real, emotionally it feels like my heart has been shattered in a million pieces & some of which have never recovered. I’ve become dead inside. I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to trust another human being as long as I live. I don’t feel like I can trust myself in my judge of character anymore – if someone who I trusted mind, body & soul for 6 years could just throw me out like a piece of trash because I wasn’t good/slim/had a good enough job for him anymore, than how can I ever trust anyone again? I suppose in a sense I’ve been lucky because I don’t have any ties with him & as he discarded me, there’s been no contact, but its the numbness that I can’t deal with. I might look alive & ok, but I’m just going through the motions because I’m too much of a coward to kill myself. Does it ever end? I just want to feel like myself again :(

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  4. Thank You!!!

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  5. I needed to see this. I gave 6 yrs to someone and it’s over, by my choice. I wasn’t looking for anyone but he came into my life. I felt like I always knew him, couldn’t stop thinking about him (to this day), my soul was calm and happy… but he did things he would rip off my head for if I did and acted so hateful and uncaring when I called him out on it. I accepted his reasoning, which placed blame on me, because I honestly believed he was my soulmate. But this last straw was I came across more things and questioned him and again he blew his top and blamed me. As much as it’s killing me, I refuse to be blamed. In 6 yrs, he’s lied, cheated, got overly angry when unnecessary, blamed me, etc. Now when I think back I realize how he’s always placed blame on others (parents, exes, friends, bosses, coworkers). Day after we split I tried reasoning with him and expressing my love and desire to work things out and all he’s shown was blame and coldness. I can’t afford therapy and god knows I wish I could be hypnotized to forget him or feel nothing for him anymore but instead had to google ways to heal or search why he’s the way he is. By searching I came across narcissists and by reading how they operate, was surprised. He matched up to everything. I wish I would have found this sooner but now it explains the ordeal and hurt I’ve experienced in 6 years and I know it was never anything I did. As much as I love and miss him, I know I’m better off and he’ll continue his behavior with his next girl. Now to find a way to stop crying and heal the pain.

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  6. discardedindallas

    The relationship withine has been going on for years and I never even considered him being a psychopath until about 6 months ago. Oh my goodness. How could i have missed the signs. Well now he is off to his next victim. This is just the first time I have had enough time to notice his real agenda and how it involves multiple lovers. I feel sick.

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  7. Thank you! I ran across this and was shocked to discover that I am not a nut.

    One problem with this is that typically, in American culture, we tend to pretend that this only applies to women and that the perpetrator is “always” a man.

    This is a mistake. Unfortunately, there is little “out there” in the professional psych community that recognizes that indeed, women can be just as psycho-emotionally abusive as men and that it is magnified by the fact that so few people believe men can BE abused.

    I spent 30 years in just such a relationship and did not fully recognize it until I was out of it and looking back (fortunately, I recognized SOME of the pathology and spent 16 years working hard to keep her from utterly destroying my kids–success, I am happy to report!).

    It’s important to be sure that MEN realize this applies to them, as well. Just because you are a big, strong, hairy-chested macho stud, it does not mean your female partner is not abusing you. In fact, this sort of abuse can be much, much more subtle than the kind we are used to hearing about and while not physically damaging, so psychically damaging that you (I) become an utter mess incapable of functioning.

    Thanks for listening

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  8. Thank you for posting your experiences. Nearly all mimic what I have too endured.

    I am a good person (very loving and giving). Through counseling I realized and I received confirmation that I was in a dangerous abusive relationship. By the grace of God I was able to literally move out of the abusive relationship SAFELY. Slowly my new life is healing with counseling and now there is true love from new friends.

    However…right now (and often) there is still loneliness, fear and distrust.

    Everyone that reads this website is drawn here out of desperation, fear, seeking a good change in their lives, answers, something…

    Above I shared my saving grace, our Father’s intervention, and now my new friends, and yet I am here at this website because still I am battling the remnants of letting go, daily flashbacks that trigger fear literally shaking my body, his non-stop communication, and me trying 24 hours daily to move forward without him.

    Sometimes I feel crazy because no one knows the horrible, ugly abuse and when I have shared a tad bit people, friends have recoiled.

    So, where do we go with this pain? Who do we trust? Who can we laugh and dance with innocently? How do we trust again? How do we live through each day without feeling utterly alone, without feeling pain and distrust?

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  9. This article and others published on this site have caused more healing than anything thus far in the three years that it has been since I broke away from the narcissist that victimized me for 13 years. You have described me so well it is uncanny and I haven’t met anyone yet who has been with a true narc. I have believed that I would never get over this or stop analyzing it or stop crying for crissake. But I have stayed away and it’s been the hardest thing I have ever done or will ever do. I owe a great deal of gratitude to my dear friend who sent me this link as he knows the damage that has been done. Thank you so much for publishing this and posting it to Facebook so that me and others can see it. I can’t begin to express how much it is helping me. Many blessings to you my dear friend.

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  10. What is written about abusive narcissistic adult sons
    They try to control amdt define themselves by withholding visits to grandchildren, initiate hateful coments thru text mail
    Any text reply to abuser is forwardec to family and friends
    I have a partial masters in counceling, it took 10 years to get him figured out
    Just get away and don’t open the door again

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  11. Thank you for this – bookmarked for future reference!

    I was discarded by my highly-disordered narcissist partner a month ago. It was a huge shock to the system to realize (nb: he didn’t break up with me, just ignored me til I got the ‘message’, despite saying ‘I love you’ a few days previously) that EVERYTHING – from the ‘you’re my best friend’ to the ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you’ – was a huge LIE. His whole personality, the stories he told me, the person he presented himself as, were LIES. It feels like a huge chunk of my life wasn’t real.

    I’m a strong person and always been able to handle the tough times in life, but his cruel discard of me at an already stressful time in my life (being made redundant, setting up my own business) has left me feeling crazy. After about two weeks of intense emotion I started feeling better, but unexpected waves of emotion keep knocking me sideways after I feel I’m starting to get better. It’s so much to deal with mentally. My brain is slowly making sense of the past, but the more I understand it, the more I feel sick to the stomach and violated by this soulless man.

    Blogs like this one are my lifeline – it’s comforting to know that we are not alone as we fight to get through these exceptionally difficult times. Thank you for sharing your stories. xxx

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    • I found that a big part of my narcissist’s “life” was ensuring my failures.

      She could not stand to see me have successful friendships (male or female) and sabotaged all such. She could not stand to see me succeed in business and could not even admit that when I did (despite her best efforts) that it WAS a success and a HUGE one.

      Then, it was her. She was the one who caused it!

      Unbelievable.

      Unfortunately, 6 years now after I escaped, the anger is still there. It’s tough to whittle it down, but I am. Bit by bit. Thirty years of abuse does not heal overnight, though.

      Good luck!

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  12. For everyone who is in a relationship with a np /sp it’s really hard to get out of it you are not fighting a winning battle you are fighting for you soul this person in time will make you forget everything good about you you will believe everything that they tell you you will think what wrong with me why am I never good enough for him or her you will little by little be breaking down inside and feel this np is the only one who can make you whole again ….. No no no no he isn’t doing anything but try and make you feel as empty as he feels inside you won’t know this until it’s over and he has moved on while he is making you feel bed about yourself and you do everything in your power to make it better he is already making other plans be strong and walk away there is light at the end of this tunnel once you do if you have kids with them
    It’s going to be hard work but be strong I have a child to a np he is a pain in the ….. But I get on with it I have told him if he keep up the threats I will call the police I give this man a second chance but I got my lesson I didn’t want to believe he was a np at all but second time round I opened my eyes and seen it as clear as day and now am here am still healing myself sometime he still try’s to hurt me but I don’t care anymore am free I just have to look after our son and give him the love of both of us xx

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  13. Hey guys I have been in a relationship with a np and give him a second chance only for him to do the same thing again d/d/d I leant a lot from from him that evil really is out there I just wanted to give a few tips
    I love music
    So I used it as I tool to get my emotions out and it really helped me even if I have one flash back I out a song on
    Songs that help oddly but give it a go you will see what I mean
    Frozen yes I know but my kids love this when I here that sound it really helps to show you you are now free
    Next best thing I never had by be
    Ghost by eh
    If your lips are moving this is more to get you anger out what am getting at here is feel all you emotions even cry scream feel sad you will get better I did two time and it hurts but feel to heal one thing the np can’t do is feel but we can that’s how we win in the end we can change they can’t love and light to all if you guys am here for everyone I feel your pain but you can do it x

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  14. Hello all. I am a young 23 y/o male and I feel I have been dealing with NPD in my girlfriend of whom recently became my Fiancee after having a child together but is now my ex . I’ve experienced years of false accusations, verbal abuse(being called every name under the sun), triangulation, abuse of those close to me, disrespect in public, attempts to turn me against my own friends & family. We’ve broken up 4 times now… the past three times I didn’t value myself and didn’t really have an identity(this is no excuse) so tried to find it in dating, sleeping around, partying and drinking. Each time outside the relationship things just got worse with the NPD… She would have her flying monkeys keep an eye on me, arrange for my tyres to be burst, abuse those close to me with blown out of proportion stories which I apparently told her(they abused her back), harming herself to get me back, Smashed my phone screen, damaged my business car which we had to go to court over. Even after all this I took her back after turning my life to Christ and feeling the best thing I can do is forgive and forget. In order, to move on so our daughter could also have a family. I truly believed things would of got better after becoming overwhelmed with love for our daughter… Which of course it didn’t. We stayed at her Mum’s who has NPD also and things got progressively worse… Her Mum would convince my girlfriend that things on facebook were digs at her from my other family members, then manipulate my ex into believing all my family are demons(My ex fiancee told me this so I don’t know how true it is), this would lead to days where she’d just lay into my family while in a disagreement with me(WHICH HURTS, I just continued to forgive & forget). I kept saying I would leave and then I’d pack my stuff ready and then her Mum would manipulate me to believe that she is just testing me and wants to see how much I am willing to fight for the relationship -_- I fell for it so stayed. Then one day no one else was there other than our daughter and my ex… in a argument she called my family a “bunch of c**t’s” that was it for me and I truthfully told her how vile that is and said “i’m leaving” then she blamed it on my twin brother and took the one gift my friend gave me before taking a long holiday and smashed it. Then got the bible from my auntie and ripped it into pieces. Then tried to cut off my hair with scissors but failed. Then got my bible and threw it full pelt at my private parts because she assumed I am just gonna leave to sleep around again but I am a man of god now and a Dad. Then she took the glass from the gift and started to cut herself in order to force me to stay so I just stayed and held her. There has also been arguments where I have said she don’t really love our daughter or she wouldn’t be like that about her relative’s(still stand by that) and then she’d try to overdose. Then her Mum manipulated her into believing she needed meds because she has post natal depression due to the cleaning arguments all because they would have petty arguments about people not cleaning up after themselves. My ex likes the place real clean, her mum like it liveable and this is what they’d argue over. Then there was details of a trap her Mum set up and sent me by text to get my ex to seek help with a series of choices which included getting my ex and our daughter going into a unit. I knew how she would react because she would take it as though her Mum is trying to get her daughter taken away… so I didn’t show or tell her about the message but her step Dad did and sent her it as he got it sent to him too and all hell broke loose between the two NPD’s. Without regard to the other people living in the house(my ex’s sisters, daughter and me was there) they had a full blown argument in which police came out to calm the situation then my ex was recommended to go to doctors as I told the police she did cut herself and tried to overdose twice… So we did that in which the doctor was just manipulated into believe that it is her history with her Mum that is causing her to flip and she doesn’t need meds but just needs to leave the situation even though I told him of the self harm. So my ex went in boasting that she didn’t need meds in which another argument broke loose and all other people living in the house were crying again and trying to defuse the situation but when two NPD’S are at war they just try to tear each other down but can’t because they don’t really care about others unless it seems as though their self-image is being affected in which both of theirs was so police were called by her Mum… My ex, newborn daughter and me were made to leave for 11:00pm to go to My ex’s Nans. Things got better and it seemed to be more peaceful and I knew as the provider that we shouldn’t really be intruding at the elders house for too long so moved in around a month to a rented flat. Now after being in this flat two months things are over again because she called my Mum a c**t and wished death on my brother. So I went to pack a few things while she tried to forcefully get the key to the flat out of my hand which has left my wrist in alot of pain but cant prove that and she then stood in my way from leaving the flat and I repeatedly told her I am leaving but she wouldn’t budge so I placed my had on her arm to guide her out of the way in which she pushed back into it and she has vitamin deficiency which has had her bruising very easily recently so it created a bruise from the pressure of my fingertips and she is now basically saying I got angry and done it. Then she chased after to me and slapped me on the back… So I left then came back to get my pizza and then took that in which she tried to block the door so I opened it and got through… then she got our daughter and chased me while pushing her in the pram she took the elevator and I took the stairs… To cut this long explanation short, my brother came to collect me but went toilet then she met me outside with our daughter in her arms, then placed our daughter in jeopardy by placing her in front of the car door so I couldn’t get in and she also held onto the handle so our daughter started crying as I tried to take her hand off the handle… Was outside in the cold for a good hour with our daughter because she was trying to get the keys stating she didn’t have keys to get back in but she did… So I took them back upstairs in which she made a grab for my keys again but just ripped something off them and I left for work. There has also been a series of events before this which included her contacting a close friend of my who I wasn’t able to see because she felt he was a bad influence… then I told her I really want to be there for him because his Nan is in hospital which caused us to argue and then she ended up contacting him to tell him “I’m glad your Nan is in hospital” I don’t know how people have the mental capacity to say such things but it’s obviously the lack of empathy… So I took her phone from the side after finding out and tried to delete his contact details but the phone died but I refused to give it back until it was deleted… So she took my charger and threw it down the toilet and the charger was necessary for work related purposes on my phone for paying for the flat so this had me extremely frustrated so I punched a hole through a door(stupid move I know). Soon breaking down to cry hysterically because I honestly couldn’t believe what had just happened with her making me suffer because she did the wrong thing. Anyway, now I am at my parents house and I wish to see our Daughter as I miss her greatly but obviously she is treating her as an attachment and a weapon at her disposal… I came to see her with her Grandma but wasn’t even allowed to hold her or come in because I was in my work clothes :/ and her Grandma was there. I feel it’s best to bring someone because when the hate stops working, they start telling lies. In which she created a false reality assuming we was there to beat her up and kidnap my daughter. She’s been trying to arrange for me to see while I have been working and not even consulting me as to whether I am available… Just been stating that “if you miss her then, then you’d see her” thinking I would just let down customers because I run a partnership business *sigh*. So I have researched and came to find that there is no point going to court because there is no winning with NPD’s because the courts don’t care about such accusations. I have got many recordings of conversations and evidence of abuse to others but I doubt that matters… I also have a criminal record of assault and criminal damage against her. I honestly don’t know what to do… Is it best at this stage to just love my daughter from a distance? I have been keeping up to date with a daily journal for her to read if she so desires… Not mentioning NPD though because me telling her that, I feel will only keep her further from the truth… Some advice would be great, I really don’t want this cycle to continue onto my daughter. I have faith that God will come through and answer prayers… I just would like to know, what’s the best thing I can do at this stage? Thank you so much for reading.

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    • Get your baby girl away from her. You need full custody. Being raised by that kind of mother will be 10 times more damaging than not having a mother at all.
      I wish you and your daughter the best of luck.

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    • Gotta be a strong MAN, in the face of this, bro. I never really saw the pathology of my now-ex until I got away from her, but I knew (from watching) that she was a terrible “mother.”

      It wrecked my life professionally, but I put all on hold while I raised my daughters. Happy to report they are both happy, and smart and reasonably (smile) well-adjusted young women now, both educated and doing well!

      But ONLY because I took steps early on to blunt the damage their “mother” was likely to do to them.

      It is not fun. It is exhausting. And BTW: yes, her family was also certain that I was the “sick” one, no matter what evidence was there for anyone to see that in fact, she was the one (and her mother) with this problem.

      Prayers going out to you, man.
      Mike

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  15. This article was very helpful! I suffered for a long time dealing with my ex. Alot of tears and pain and suffering. This article helps me to begin to heal.

    Thank you! :-)

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  16. Been through the part of learning everything about narcs and their patterns of behavior. It is really hard for others to understand them being way beyond the usual selfish idiot. I am not in contact with the narc but as he sexually assaulted me and I did report it so the investigation is ongoing making so is proving harder to focus on new things as I feel like this monster is still lurking behind me. However, not defeated, and I feel good that no matter what this investigation is costing me emotionally I can be proud that when he does it again the police will have knowledge that if he is reported again the new victim is likely to be telling the truth despite how he distorts it. At 7 months past the sexual assault, quite a serious one, and the fact his immediate new partner is a police officer….(his message being I cant possibly of done this if my police officer gf believes me, she knows he is under investigation, testament to how good his ‘im the victim not her, lies are) I think i’ve done the getting knowledge of how these ugly on the inside/damaged/twisted people behave and am finally able to focus on getting though a potential trial and coming out the other side. I think the trick is to know ‘your’ narc, don’t worry too much about how you feel at first, go with it. Learn, anticipate from that knowledge how they can continue to inflict damage and see it coming. Once you KNOW them you can focus on you. And that’s when you start again. Which is where I am now. I don’t see the path forward as daunting, I am choosing to see it as a fresh start, but one filled with knowledge and experience. I think without being hippy about it, to embrace the unknown and to see it as a new adventure, albeit one still filled with having to clean the bathroom and the washer still breaks down included. Reality is far less scary when you can accept its not all going to be a party filled with lovely people just because you found enlightenment. I have learned that he has not destroyed my trust and I do not have to wear a t shirt with narcs got one over on me on it. It makes us all human. Nice humans who maybe have to do a bit of work on ourselves but allowed to stay fundamentally trusting, loving, happy people, just a bit more alert in future. The trust starts with trusting the advice from others who have had these experiences when they say you will come out of the other end intact and possibly happier and better for it. I am finding myself with the same negative thoughts many others I have heard have. Keep asking yourself what can be the positive? BEING ALIVE, HAPPY AGAIN AND FREE FROM THEM IS. One certainty is they likely wont stop their patterns of behavior or ever be whole, so let them keep at it with their journey and do yours. And understand even if they turn wonderful overnight (unlikely) they will never be able to say sorry enough to themselves for the abuse they inflicted, but you can say sorry to yourself and learn from the fact to whatever degree you accepted it. Eventually your smile and liking yourself will be authentic.

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  17. Get out now! Walk away, dont look back, have ZERO contact. Block his/her numbers, email and any mutual friends. These people are pure evil and u are just fuel to their behavior. Trust your gut… Save urself! God Bless
    Kim from Palm City Florida

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  18. This is the very first article I’ve ever read on NPD – whoaaaa. Mine screamed and called me a “cunt”. For real!?! What does it mean when the love of your life calls you a “cunt”? It’s been a decade of hell, then a year of pure hell (we finally did get together in 2013), got married long enough for us to fix up his God forsaken house and build him the backyard of his dreams, then when the 20k in my bank account hit zero, he kicked me to the curb without a plate or a fork or a lamp….at 53 years old. And now his lies have put a protective order on me, so I guess I’m not allowed to talk about this. I’m freaking out. I’ve never been in a bit of trouble in my life. I’ve neverrrrr threatened him or anyone. OH…and mine changed the door locks and brought in his new gf before I was even completely moved out.

    I have a LOT of learning to do…..can’t thank you enough for the article. WISH I could send it to him without going to jail. But then again, they have NOOOO conscience. Whatsoever. Wow….

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    • This is exactly what just happened to me and I feel like I’m dying. He has threatened a restraining order but hasn’t gotten one yet. What does it mean when the love of your life calls you an “evil, stupid, retarded cunt”?

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    • This is exactly what just happened to me and I feel like I’m dying. He has threatened a restraining order but hasnt gotten one yet. What does it mean when the love of your life calls you an “evil, stupid, retarded cunt”?

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  19. Christina Stahle

    It’s a hell on earth to have a narcisist in the family. I thank of this healing and encouraging article. The one positive thing in encountering the evil was understanding the importance of prayer which helped not to give up and value of goodhearted people who walked with me. God bless the strong caring souls and believe me: the devil is nothing copared to the greatness of God.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I do the same thing with horrific texts and page long emails that my x narc sent to me. When I start missing him I remind my self what a nut case I was when we were together. He would tell me off weekly, call me horrific names, accuse me of things, lie, string along x girl friends via sex texting and FB messaging. I thought I was loosing my mind . One minute he would say he adored me and I was his angel, the next he would call me a nasty whore, bi polar, liar.
    If I didn’t keep the emails & texts I’m sure my mind would have over looked his sickness yet again. So YES .. Listen to the recordings and remind yourself that he is sick & you have nothing to do with it. You were only a puppet in his lonely self defeating life !!!
    Kim

    Like

  21. I met him just before my son was in a terrible accident ( which he survived), he was the contractor doing work on my house. He seemed very nice.
    He isn’t.
    And then he sat there and said ” well , it’s kind of strange don’t you think that I met you right before J’s accident and now I’m leaving you right after his death?”
    Who the hell thinks this way?
    What thinks this way?
    Now I feel like he has put parenthesis around my son’s life. He stood holding my son’s hand just before he died and said ” I will always take care of your mom, I will never let anything hurt her”
    Verbatim, that’s what he said. And at the time I thought “what? Who is this person?” because our “relationship” was so horrifying on so many levels.
    And I allowed that evil to be near my son. I have no idea how to deal with any of this, I feel as if I’m losing my sanity.

    Like

    • Ruby, I know this post has been a while ago but i couldn’t pass it by without commenting. What you have been through is horrific, horrible, evil. I am sitting here in tears because I was feeling sorry for what I’ve been through but you have endured so much more. Please, you are not losing your sanity. I pray you have moved on even a little since January. I pray you have found resources to help you. The one I rely on day to day is Susan Anderson’s book on Healing from Abandonment. It is so hard I know. It hurts like hell BUT it gets easier. I hope you have found a way to cope. Please, please dont’ give up. I salute you. I want you to be happy. I know you can do this. Just one day at a time please dear lady. Don’t ever let him beat you. xxxxxx

      Like

  22. My live in narcissist boyfriend of five years sat me down three days before Christmas and told me he had been having an affair and was leaving me for the other woman.
    This is the first Christmas since my son died, and I was already barely hanging on. Just trying to get through it all.
    He sat there and gloated…said he had just been using me all along. Then when I didn’t react enough (I guess) he started giving me the other woman’s name and address and then names of other women.So many of them.
    We live in a very small rural town…I know all these women.
    I just don’t even want to ever leave my house again.

    Like

    • Thanks for the post my situation is nearly the same. He is the first narcissistic person I’ve experienced it’s so overwhelming

      Like

  23. I left him 2 days ago. Im a mess going crazy reading all the info I can to finally get past this and not go back to him again.
    So much of what I read is like hearing my own stories. Kind and wonderful one moment then full of anger and blame the next leaving me filled with a fear I’ve never felt. Sadness overcomes me all the time. I lived in constant fear of when the next uncalled for fit of rage would come.
    During times of rage I am ignored, screamed at, scratched and made to feel completely lost as to what I did wrong this time. Things get the worst when I want to go to church or spend time with my family
    Im completely devastated right now. Im doing my best to focus on God, family and counting. Ive blocked his number but still need to return home to get what few items I have left that he refused to let me keep. I am terrified.

    Like

  24. I am still in a relationship with a psychopath. He made my life hell. still I am not able to come out of this relationship. We are having severe fights everyday. He is making my life hell. He possess all the qualities of a psychopath. I have blocked him from all the social sites. Then the next day i have again unblocked him. I am still in love with him after so so many damages he have done to me. Please help/

    Liked by 1 person

    • You just have to leave. Feel what you feel and leave regardless. It must be done. X

      Liked by 2 people

    • It is not love. Never existed to them. They are void inside. There is no relationship as well. It’s one sided – Us- the normal ppl. Reinforce yourself- just a lie. I am going through the same situation. I keep telling myself there is no love…you can slowly move on.

      Like

  25. Thanks for article. My partner passed away from drink related causes at fifty eighteen months ago after creating a he’ll On earth for us all himself myself and our sixteen yr old son. Since then my son and I have begun life anew life so good in the absence of the abuse we cannot believe how it can be so. But now I know why our life was so vile so unbearable after years of trying to get my partner out or my son and myself away, my ex was narcissistic. And as I was apparently the ill one the crazy one when I did the dsm test for the psychologist my ex decided to do an online one for a laugh. He got 90+ % for npd. That got dropped like a hot potatoe. A few months later after even worse times and physical abuse towards our son I left him finally I had squirreled some money away to survive and had met friend trying to help me in an animal rescue I was involved in and was able to tell my ex no more. Of course he called n called n kept coming to talk to me for a week huge dramas terrible v upset his own son sent him packing finally, but my ex went off calling and texting for two more days and then silence. Blessed silence. but then the guards called asking when had I heard from my ex a neighbour was concerned about his absence for two days. Up to the house ( my son and I had moved into a caravan) and guards broke in. He was dead of a massive heartattack. Despite the doctors warning he had took to heavy drinking again.

    Since then my son and I have been new people, damaged confused people but reading this article and many like it are bringing real healing now. We know now it’s not us we were manipulated abused used isolated torn down in every v way not because we are unworthy people but because my ex couldn’t help himself he was a narcissist

    Thank you for this website xxx <3

    Like

  26. I started taping and recording my ex gf narcissist Sugen Hung too!

    It had never even occured to me to do that with any other girlfriend but she started saying some pretty outlandish stuff that was making me feel that I was losing touch with reality. I have her on tape during one if her rants telling me, “your therapist can help you to (act more in compliance with my manipulations of you) but there’s something about you, Andre, that’s wrong I just can’t put my finger on it. Your problem Andre is that you feel a relationship is suppose to be 50/50”.

    She would also gaslight by saying very critical things about me and then a few seconds later deny ever having said them!

    She totally kept our intense “relationship” secret from her mom. She would sneakily parade other suitors in my face claiming I had a ” jealousy issue” I needed to work out in counseling.

    She gave me a 3 week silent treatment, whereby I was doubled over in bed in severe depression, while she went back to an old source of narcissistic supply, I later learned.

    She has her friends at the school we taught at together all believing that it was I who abused her. She even had my therapist believing I was at fault.

    I was very desperate. Without the life saving wisdom on narc abuse such as these bligs and timely spiritual support, I might not be alive today. Narcissists make you question the value of continuing to live life.

    I have to continually read narc abuse recovery sites like these to keep from idealizing the “relationship”. These sites, mostly by women – God bless you – had been a life saver.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I was (and I don’t know why) or had in my mind most Narcs were men. Sorry.
      I just couldn’t imagine a woman doing that ( other then a mother to a child) maybe I’ve been under a rock. Or with my Narc to long iam out of touch with reality. And have not many friends left and don’t socialize .

      The tapes help me in other ways , I don’t know if I mentioned this .
      And I certainly don’t know if this is wrong or am I doing good . I listen to them when I get weak, when he calls especially now during the holidays being nice. To remind myself who he really is , what he’s really like and how he really feels about me . Because I taped him in all ways .
      I’m quite surprised I wasn’t caught .
      On one specific conversation 2 months where I knew a lot and I knew what he was all about and the tricks and the gaslighting and me being always wrong – he went from subject to subject …….what about when you did this and what about when you abets this way and what’s going on with this , maybe 10 subjects he touched, till I was crying at the end and was hung up on.

      That day I was quite sick and he called to “see” how I was doing. I wasn’t as sick as I was depressed and couldn’t be around him.

      After I listen to that a few days ago, it was like a movie – a long one – he wasn’t happy till he made me cry because I had not gone to work. And I was avoiding him a bit trying to sort things out because I couldn’t speak to him without crying.
      Well he succeed and made me feel worse with the phone call.
      When I listened to it, it hit me what he was doing , hitting every subject till he got what he wanted which was to make me cry give him attention and hang up on me while I was crying . One of his most favorite things to do. And one of the most hurtful to me , sadly I had told him this a few years ago and he always remembered it and used it while I forgot and fell for it everytime .
      Mine denies everything he says with in a moments change too – but iam too scared to play it to him – and I really don’t have much contact –
      Maybe this helps or maybe iam wrong – cause sometimes when I do listen ( and I don’t do this often as it may sound) I also re live the hurt and disbelief for awhile – I hope you feel better , iam going to get a new job or try – as working together is real real hard and I don’t think it’s possible to heal this way – without even going to work – that’s just me – I don’t know
      About anyone else or judging – hell I can barely go outside so iam no one to talk – all the best

      Like

    • Andre this is terrible. And predictable. It’s unusual to hear men’s accounts and that’s because it’s generally a male affliction. I can imagine it’s even more difficult for you due to this and having so few men you can chat to about your experience. I was once in a quasi relationship w a bonafide psychopath and now have after 3 years realised my crazy boyfriend is a narcissist too. The sheer amount of total cr8p he talks is unreal.

      Like

  27. I thought this was a great article and helped me a ton. The physical abuse started a while ago but progressed in October… Found out about the cheating in November… His side chick is meeting his whole family at a wedding today… The wedding I was supposed to be at with our son. But don’t you think the “victim” mentality can be a slippery slope? This is my second long term relationship with a narcissist and I know I didn’t listen to my gut and let him trample all over my barely there boundaries… Just curious as to what you think about this… I certainly would like to avoid a third nightmare!

    Like

  28. Finally he is out of my life! It was only 11 months, but it was emotional torture. He sought me out on a dating website and rushed to meet me with in the same few days. He was Prince Charming, mirroring everything I ever wanted in a “SOUL MATE”. Even when I was trying to take the relationship slow, he was telling me he loved me, never met anyone he adored so much, was calling me his “ANGEL”. Everything I ever wanted was right there in front of me. Against my better judgement and gut insticts (I will NEVER make that mistake again) we were engaged with in 3 months and he moved in with me and my 2 children the following month. I expressed to him that it was too soon but he told me he wanted to wake up next to me every day. Meanwhile, being the codepentant that I am, I consolidated his debt, bought him a car and was helping him build his business.
    All the signs were there, I saw them and chose to ignore them thinking it would get better. He picked fights with me daily, started pulling away, was constantly texting and Facebook messaging past girlfriends (victims). I started to lie to cover my suspicions so I wouldn’t make him mad. I read some of his messages. He was talking to the other “Victims” the same way he talked to me. Calling them his “Angels”, telling them how special they were and how much he missed them. “Handing them crumbs”!! When I would question him on his behavior or suggest therapy he would call me the most horrific names, degrade me, call me a troll, tell me how unattractive I was. He suffered from impotence because of medication that he was taking and he blamed me for being repulsive.
    On October 17 he finally moved out of my house.. it was the best and the sadest day EVER. It has been up and down for me. He moved on to his next victim within a week of moving out and breaking off the engagement. That alone tells me that I meant nothing to him. I was just someone who filled a void. I have a long way to go in my recovery. But it started the day I had ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT and I chose ME!!!
    PS: he still owes me $20k and he is driving a car registered to me, being financed in my name and insured in my name. I will deal with that when I am ready and strong.
    Kim from Palm City Florida

    Liked by 1 person

  29. I have never commented on a website, but in couldn’t help myself after reading this excellent post. It has been a month now since I found our my N cheated multiple times on me. I’d left him three weeks before that as the lies and secretive behavior was not something I could handle. I’d tried to leave 3 times previous as something didn’t feel right in the 6 months we were living together. It was all about him, and as I realise now there was very subtle but ever present emotional abuse. I was a wreck when I left & worse when learning of his double life. This past month I’ve researched everything I can, and based on all my reflecting I can honestly say I wish from day 1 I’d started no contact. Ppl like this will never own their issues or mistakes. They don’t care you can’t sleep eat or breathe & work suffers. They literally feel nothing is wrong, you’re to blame & they were amazing. Mine decided ..confessed …denied and then confessed the affair just to mess with me. He is charming and can fool anyone. You will never ever get closure from these people – so as I’ve learnt the hard way over this month – try your best to refrain from contact. They will show glimpses of regret before quickly reverting to blaming you and everyone else. He has moved on to dating via tinder, and multiple other websites (he was on when with me!). In saying that do what you need to do to survive but know when to draw the line. I sent a final email to mine and he replied with abuse as predicted but I then blocked all communication. If you don’t do this it’ll eat you up and you start looking crazy which suits them perfectly! excellent blog to read – it’s helped immensely – thank you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Narcissist came into my life was very charming as well as cunning he use me played with my emotions and discarded my feelings like they did not meant anything to him I was him for one year after he discarded me he was dating another very soon after he was done with me I’m in therapy now sorting out feelings of being hurt and frustrated I was dealing with a NPD person and had no idea until he pulled the rug right from under me without a care in the world when he first put me on this pedestal

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Thank you so much for publishing this.

    Like

  32. This article has saved my life – emotionally & mentally. I’m so grateful I stumbled across it when I did.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Thank you thank you thank you!!!

    Like

  34. I am not out of the relationship. But I have too get out very soon. I have a little one with him. My energy is down and I am angry. This article has helped. And I need more as my cup has been drained many times. I have to work harder than ever. But look forward to healing and raising my child, having my own money.

    Like

  1. Pingback: Seeking knowledge of a sociopath - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

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