New Ways To Healing

 

You begin in shock. In disbelief. You may suffer from Post Traumatic Stress (I did). As you are beginning to re-remember, the feelings are going to be overwhelming. Every emotion under the sun. Chaotic feelings. Tremendous ambivalence. Anger, hatred, vengefulness, murder, all the really nasty stuff. Terrible, soul-tearing loneliness. This is normal, this is you being human. Feel all the feelings, cry an ocean. This is grieving. I cried for 3 years, almost every day. I was comforted by this saying from mystical Judaism, “G-d counts the tears of women” (and men, I’m sure).
At the same time,

Learn everything you can about psychopathy and pathological narcissism. We are not talking just immature jerks here, or the abusive, but hardcore pathology.

Return to the past and remember and review in detail. This is not obsessing- this preoccupation is very necessary for healing because you are starting from square one — what you thought existed, did not. So you must find out what really existed- replace the pathway of emotion laden remembrance with the stark, unyielding reality.

It is through the above 3 ways that we emotionally detach-separate ourselves from the psychopath-character disordered, when we begin to grasp the massive deception and subtle, practised erosion of our beings. Always we must trust our gut as we work this out and thru.

Rehearse and reinforce that this was not a normal person, that it was a lie, that it had nothing to do with you (the hardest)- but it did happen to you- and there is no psychological rhyme nor reason to it because psychopaths-character disordered are in a mysterious class by themselves, not really from this planet as we know it.

Know that they wanted something good from you. Remember it.

You will question yourself and that is normal- people who are normal, have consciences, examine themselves, ask themselves what they could have done differently- this is part of reviewing- What could you have done? nothing- you didn’t know they were disordered- now you know- learn all you can about how they work-how they did it- that is your task- to see that they manipulated you and that you were no match for them (nor were some “experts” where psychopaths were concerned).

Discipline yourself to stop looking at your ‘faults’ as connected to the psychopath-character disordered specifically – any encounter with anyone can trigger a desire to re-evaluate one’s life and behaviour- this is normal and progressive- it’s a testament to your desire and ability to grow and transcend, to move forward and blossom- the encounter may provide the spark, the seed- your ‘faults’ or ‘weaknesses’ did not cause you to be targetted and manipulated by the character disordered.

Try not to psychologise yourself- do it with a therapist but only one who lays the blame where it belongs- on the perpetrator-abuser. Trust no one on the net to psychologise you- they have no right; and it’s the blind leading the blind, imo.

Hang out with people who emotionally support you but do not make you doubt yourself- people who try to tell you or imply that you are somehow at fault – do not confide in anyone who pathologises your behaviour or brings you pathologising theories- a psychopath-character disordered is a relationship anomaly/aberration- normal rules don’t apply and neither do theories (for that’s all they are, and largely uncompassionate, I think) about us, the survivors. As long as you continue to psychologise yourself about this (non)relationship, you remain attached.

Know that you did not have control over the encounter, that you do not have control over anything except what you choose to believe and do- choose to elevate everything around you. Choose life.

Repair what is broken- Force yourself to Turn away from the face of evil and add something to the world- even while you are in shock, take a moment to be kind to someone, some small thing or kind thought, and take charge of your soul- be the captain. I have overcome a lot of damage just by putting one step in front of the other and laying a new foundation bit by bit in repairing a bit of the world. No one can take that away from me. When you see what you can do to make the world a better place, how the world responds to you, you won’t listen to anyone who is only looking to fix you by telling you how you are broken. You have a broken,shattered heart and you already know that. End of story.

What is your goal now that you are moving away from this damaging environment? It’s important to have an elevating goal that will inspire you to greatness, spiritual and otherwise. 

If you are reading this, you are a person of considerable character and thought. You are not willing to lie down and die. You will not allow what happened to defeat you. You survived to get to this place- there is great strength in that.

Know what you stand for, what you are willing to live and to die for. Learn this about yourself as you work things through.

Know that this too shall pass and that the other side is wonderful, is amazing, something that you can’t imagine right now. You will amaze yourself. In moments of despair and moments of soul searing loneliness, know that you are not alone. You are supported. And others have gotten through this and you will too. And you will do it with the dignity that is your birthright- in a perfectly human way.

  1. This is a beautiful pice of writing. .thank you to the writer. .An inspirational and motivational explanation.a piece that cud only be written by someone touched by narcissism in its all consuming devastation to ones complete being.thank you so very much.read this jus

    t b4 bed and it help to heal.the words lay over me like a soft warm blanket and the cuddle I so badly need.xx

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  2. EXCELLENT ARTICLE!!!!!
    FOCUS ON THE HEALING OF YOURSELF!
    LIKE THE ARTICLE STATED HEARTBROKEN-END OF STORY..
    N/C, PERIOD…..
    GET BK TO YOU, BEFORE YOU MET THE NARC….
    ITS A JOURNEY, AN ITS ABT CREATING THE NEW YOU, ITS . A CAN OF WORMS OPENED, INSIGHT TO YOURSELF, IMPROVE, GET STRONG, STICK TO YOUR BELIEFS, DON’T SETTLE!!!!
    FOLLOW YOUR GUT….
    THE NARC JUST KPS GNG, ALL THAT GLITTERS ISN’T GOLD…
    THEY WANTED SOMETHING GOOD FROM US, THEY DON’T HAVE GOOD IN THEMSELVES!!!!
    BE THANKFUL WE DO FEEL, WE DO LOVE…. THE RIGHT PERSON WILL COME
    INTO OUR WORLD… UNTIL THEN ENJOY YOU!!!!
    NARCS DON’T CHANGE….
    N/C ALMOST 60 DAYS, MY PERSPECTIVE IS CHANGING…DON’T GIVE THEM AN OUNCE OF ANY EGO BOOST!
    DISCARDED, GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT GO OFF THE RADAR…
    STRENGTH!!!! ;)

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  3. Thank God for this site now I have clarity of what im going thru..he came across as charming, expensive gifts he bring, but his promises were never fulfilled, I somehow noticed that its his way or nothing, my view meant nothing, I didnt have to raise concern of what made me unhappy, silent treatments hed give I felt confused…he dropped the bomb dumped me on my birthday! I was shattered because we never had an argument prior the dumping drama, he just said I am jealous and insecure and I seem like I didnt want to be committed. Im grateful for this sight it clarified a lot

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  4. I agree but it’s hell going through this process
    I feel like dying sometimes I’m having a hard time getting through this

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  5. Well said Sharon!!! You described my ex exactly!! No Contact!! It’s so true run for your life!! They have no remorse!! Life begins after no contact!! Praise Jesus !!

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    • I’ve heard the no contact is the only way , and from all I’ve read it seems to be the only way. However, and I’m in no way making excuses the few times he has devalued me but never discarded me. He tells me he knows he has NPD and wants to see a doctor and if I will go with him. He comes to my house crying and me the empath feel his pain. I know certain things I would never even write that he has shared with me that happen to him as a child, he recognizes it has to do with the lack of love, affection and he never was recognized for his accomplishments. Not having a father ( whom left his mother and moved across the country & I believed he remarried) deeply scared him. His brother who has slight case of a CP but functions on his own and was favored and given and still shown favoritism he has a younger sister who was adopted and they are not close and totally different people. The N is a good man, when we first met it was of course wonderful and we became friends as well as a sort of couple.
      This time he has been seeing someone on the side which I knew , for longer then I’d like to admit to myself – this involved career finance lies and cruelty to me as well as lying to the woman about me. I went through a hard 9-a year where anything that could go wrong for me went wrong , and for him too, what my N needed I couldn’t give him, what I needed he could give me. And when we started to really kind of sort things out I realized he was torn, she is a strong smart woman both in the lawyers. They are both married. My N has a open relationship. Now he is caught between his other , me & wife.( I didn’t know for about 4 months he was married ) we became friends and did business together I do real estate – we traveled together for work.
      Either she did a kind of background check the FBI can do or he told he my life. I’m being slandered by her which couldn’t be him because it’s not true or she is using horrible hurtful things and finally he has made the kind of money he like with her and wants me to leave. Then on Christmas he comes to my house and begs me to forgive him that he was so out of his mind with lack of money I was sick and he begged me he will do whatever he has to do to get rid of this woman – he says he is afraid of her – and loves me and begs me cries apologizes and asks me to come to help him get rid of her – what is this NPD I JUST – don’t know –

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  6. I spent 25 years with my Narcissistic husband. I was naive and very gullible, Im an honest person so I thought he was one too. I never checked up on him or suspected anything, even though our marriage had a lot of problems due to him not communicating or being around much on his days off. He would just scream at me and blame everything on me…at first it really did a number on me. Then once I figured out he was just screaming to shut me up, it didnt hurt me as much. He was always at his hunting cabin…the plumbing broke, he needed to paint, or some other reason he had to be there. Honestly the last 15 years were almost unbearable so when he went there it was a break away from him for me.

    When we first met he couldnt live without me and he needed me, I felt special and he attended to my every need. On special occasions he would give me jewelry, dinners, flowers, and any thing I wanted. We lived together for 9 years, things still werent horrible, but they werent great. I had no where else to go, my family told me one by one when we moved back to NY from VT that I couldnt stay with them. I felt like I had no choice, but at the time I did love him and the good times still out weighed the bad. Right after we got married things changed, our sex life went down and the excuses went up. It was almost right after we said I DO things changed. I didnt leave because I believed marriage was forever, for better or for worse.

    He was dating a lady from PA close to where his cabin is, and now I do feel duped. As far as I can asses by looking back, I think he was dating other women most of our marriage. As pathetic as that sounds i didnt realize it until last year around Christmas time (a week before) he was acting weird…such a coward, I asked if he was leaving me because he kept bringing up selling the house with no plan of what would happen after that, he said Im sorry. Then he said Im tired I got to go work tomorrow while I cried the whole night. No sympathy, no empathy, no sorrow, just the concern he had to get up for work the next day. Sometimes I wonder how I didnt see things, but thank you Jesus, now I do. Its a year later almost exactly Dec 20th 2015…Jan 1st 2016 hes marrying his girlfriend. Our divorce was final in Oct 2015 within weeks the wedding invitations were going out. I did feel hurt and bad but now I just figure hes her problem, I have cut off all contact with him.

    He divorced me, because I wanted to make it work, not realizing the type of person I was married to, I wasnt going to leave.

    Everything was always my fault…he was mind numbingly manipulative and controlling. I was so easy going I was an easy target. At first I was an enabler, because I thought I could fix things so he wouldnt have fits and go into rages. I stopped doing that realizing that the more I tried to fix things the worse things got. I didnt want to be divorced, i was a really good wife to him and i know I didnt deserve what I got but…on the plus side now Im free, I can see things accurately and I can see it was him, he just wanted me to take responsibility for everything so he wouldnt have to. Due to being so emotionally drained and depressed I couldnt work, he screamed at me every day to get a job and told people he was divorcing me because I didnt have a job. Everyone is laughing behind his back, he just doesnt know it. Everything is about appearances to him. The only word I can use to describe him is FAKE!

    Its like this if I did what he wanted me to then he thought I was weak, if I stood up for myself, he thought I was disrespecting him and quickly tried to put me in my place. SO THERE IS NO WINNING WITH A NARCISSIST, THERE IS NOTHING I COULD HAVE SAID OR DONE THAT WOULD HAVE CHANGED ANYTHING. HE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER AND ITS NOT MY FAULT. Im recovering, I decided to forgive and let go of my own bitterness, so I wont have to carry this angry horrible man around inside of me for years to come. So many people I know are divorced and 10 years later they are still crying over hurts that happened a decade ago, they are still carrying their Exes emotionally. I was not going to let this man steal one more second of my life once I was divorced from him. So I told him everything I wanted to tell him, i made my peace within myself and my God and I was able to emotionally walk away feeling human. I dont beat myself up or think if only I did this or that it would have been different or that anything was my fault. Im clear in my conscience, I have inner hurts Im dealing within myself but Im changing and praying every day. Its a long road to recovery, but I have no inclination to have any contact with this man ever again, I realize I never really knew him or who he was, its like looking back and being married to a complete stranger…it was all FAKE. Its really horrible and if your with a narcissist and your not married yet…RUN there is no happy ending or good outcome.

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  7. I am on the way…hope i will find the light at the end of the tunnel….

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  8. Been in this sad place for 8 years.i feel it all and know its gone to be a long road.so so confusing like on a powerful drug that you need out your system.sadly I know I didn’t willingly put that in my body or mind.ive broken contact only for 5 days.the final bit is the discarding off me.she clearly had great pleasure in this.by telling me.off new partner also asks me.to be happy for them.as they both happy.i truly don’t be leave a word she says.to cap it off with in the mix I descovered she has been escorting on a web site..I didn’t ask for this in my life…she clearly knew this at some point would disturb me badly…I would be great full for any advice or help in this emotional confusing time.i know I will heal.but sadly I beleave will be long road.while she seams to be showing no signs off guilty it’s all my fault for the final break up.as i am told I insulted her.by questioning her.hidden escorting.so I beleave she’s returned to escorting and has new partner.clearly she knows.ive been betrayed.but this is my punishments for challenging her..so it was alway gona end bad for me.i tried to go hand n had work throw the escorting with her.sadly it just got worse.and am left feeling I can’t life without her.its so corrupt dose she know this was always gona happen she never spoken about her ex.never.so after 8 yrs am now thinking she’s done all this before.any info to help me.settle and understand I would be so great full.mabe one day I can help others..thank you ronald

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  9. While it’s great to know that I am not crazy, or alone experiencing this, I am sad that so many of us have been emotionally brutalized in this way. I am finally 3 months out of the relationship and can’t believe how completely traumatized I am after only 2 1/2 years with this guy. Of course the “love bombing” was intoxicating, but the ever-more frequent and virulent humiliating verbal abuse was horrific. Particularly as he incorporated all of my deepest secrets, insecurities, and vulnerabilities that he was able to coax from me. I went into that relationship a vibrant, strong, woman with a thriving social and professional life, and came out a shadow of my former self with severe PTSD. What I’ve found out about my narc since the shockingly sudden, and exceptionally cutting disgard, is mind-blowing. The level of deceit and betrayal even shocked my trauma therapist. I really can’t say if anything (including his name) he ever told me was true. I’m profoundly grateful that he left before implementing his plan to marry me. I can rebuild my devastated self-confidence, my social life, and possibly my faith in mankind. What I am finding incomprehensible and unbearable is that I still think about him obsessively. Even though pretty much every memory ends with him being his usual evil self. THAT is what makes me feel insane. Not the numerous lies he told me, about himself, about my “failings”. That I miss him – a person I find loathsome, beyond draining, and a horrible human being. I feel like he is a virus in my software, and I want it removed!!! Sending everyone in the same boat a hug, and wishing you some peace while you reclaim your soul.

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  10. I’ve been there. I’m a better person today. Still have some healing to do, but…oh yeah. So much better.
    Narc’s brains misfire, friends. There is nothing you can do about it. Nothing you could have done about it. There will always be that revolving door of partners for them. And like you, they too will be sitting in a puddle of tears wondering what the hell happened if they don’t get out at the first sign that something ain’t right. It’s not you. It never was you. But you became the “problem” the moment you tried to save him. Truth is, you were blind sighted by something bigger than the both of you. He/she doesn’t get it, you don’t understand what the hell happened. It’s a black hole that no one can really explain. It doesn’t mean he never loved you. Most likely he did, but he has no concept of what is real, no matter how hard you fight him and for him. He loathes himself, as hard as it might be to believe. He is lonely, caught up in the darkness of his mind and he ( believe it or not) is afraid of being alone. Even he doesn’t know what’s going on. You can’t save him…but you can save yourself. It’s going to take time to pull yourself out of that dark hole he’s already in and see what’s real again. To put yourself in the role of “the observer” and not the one who is experiencing the darkness. It’s hard, at first, but keep doing it. The world will seem clear again.
    And it doesn’t mean to stop loving him. It means…learn to love the tortured soul he is. And know you’ve done all you can. It’s time to free yourself from shame, blame and guilt….and live again.

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  11. I cannot agree that NPD’s are great teachers, I could have learned more from a loving parent.

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  12. Please respond someone. I am trying to end a abusive relationship with my mentally ill, elderly (70) year old mom. She’s paranoid, hears voices, Narcissists, abused really bad herself by my dad. Dad is dead for 25 years. Thank God she lives 3 hours away! I’m 50 in Dec. She try’s to guilt me because she’s alone and elderly. She sucks the life out of me, angers me, hurts me, not happy for me, so depressing and negative I could just die.
    I told her I’m taking a college class to be more positive, cuz I’ve learned to be negative. Told her I’m taking a stress management class. Her comment was, “That’s not the real life!”. WOW. She think everyone at Walmart is nuts, her neighbors are no good, my aunt is a piece of S…, and she runs me down to my aunt but wants to call me 3 times a day. I have asked her for 3 years, please don’t call so much, she won’t listen!!!!! I’ve asked her for 3 years to stop being so negative and depressing and call when you got something good to say. She won’t listen to me at all and don’t care what I want or think.
    She raised me wrong. Mean, rude, hateful, angry. I watched her stomp, kick, and beat my middle brother when I was 9 years old. She tryed to kill that boy. All 3 of my moms kids can’t stand her. Because everyone died over the years, I’M STUCK WITH HER. I’m the only real family member left alive. Lucky me, NOT!

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  13. I’d like a response from someone on my post. Don’t want to type, just to type.
    I understand now! I’m 50, dang took me this long. MY MOM A Narcissist!
    My mom OMG! It’s a twisted story. I’m breaking away from talking on the phone with my mom she is now 70 in bad health. Thank God she lives 3 hours away! She sucks the life out of me, anger’s me, hurts me, makes fun of me, belittle’s me, runs down every one she talks to. Everyone is nuts or crazy, she thinks. She’s the nut! She’s never happy for me. I’m in college and work and she don’t want to hear that. I’m suppose to listen to her poor, sad life. Listen to all her problems! She never liked her own kids, and she don’t care for my 3 kids either!! She blames my, dead, dad for why she is the way she is today. Bull Crap!
    She’s mean, rude, hateful, ugly spirited, a loner=what she chooses! But whines she has no one, whatever!
    She guilt’s me to feel sorry for her, cuz she is elderly and alone. She says the same thing phone call after phone call after phone call for 3 LONG years. I put a stop to it this weekend! She says, I pooped my pants, I hate my sister in law, everyone at walmart is nuts, the neighbors are no good. Depressing, negative. I ask her for years…. Do you have anything good to say? NOPE she don’t and won’t. I’m done with her abuse.
    Told her I’m taking a college class for depression, being more positive and stress management, she said, “THAT’S NOT THE REAL LIFE” Wow, can you believe that???????? Told her she so depressing I can’t talk to her anymore, she said, “BUT, your all I got left for family”. WOW!

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  14. narcissists are some of lifes greatest tutors…they teach us that we are capable of unconditional love they teach us compassion they teach us that we are capable of showing and feeling emotions we never though we had they teach us pity and empathy…but the biggest thing they teach us is that were capable of growing…I am not the same person a year ago prior to meeting my narc nor will I be a year from now…narcissists we be the same people you met a year ago and and the same a year from now when a person stops growing they stop living and they start dying …so when you get that call from a private number or that text message saying how great their life is now…know this ITS NOT its their pathetic way of saying I hate my life

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