New Ways To Healing

 

You begin in shock. In disbelief. You may suffer from Post Traumatic Stress (I did). As you are beginning to re-remember, the feelings are going to be overwhelming. Every emotion under the sun. Chaotic feelings. Tremendous ambivalence. Anger, hatred, vengefulness, murder, all the really nasty stuff. Terrible, soul-tearing loneliness. This is normal, this is you being human. Feel all the feelings, cry an ocean. This is grieving. I cried for 3 years, almost every day. I was comforted by this saying from mystical Judaism, “G-d counts the tears of women” (and men, I’m sure).
At the same time,

Learn everything you can about psychopathy and pathological narcissism. We are not talking just immature jerks here, or the abusive, but hardcore pathology.

Return to the past and remember and review in detail. This is not obsessing- this preoccupation is very necessary for healing because you are starting from square one — what you thought existed, did not. So you must find out what really existed- replace the pathway of emotion laden remembrance with the stark, unyielding reality.

It is through the above 3 ways that we emotionally detach-separate ourselves from the psychopath-character disordered, when we begin to grasp the massive deception and subtle, practised erosion of our beings. Always we must trust our gut as we work this out and thru.

Rehearse and reinforce that this was not a normal person, that it was a lie, that it had nothing to do with you (the hardest)- but it did happen to you- and there is no psychological rhyme nor reason to it because psychopaths-character disordered are in a mysterious class by themselves, not really from this planet as we know it.

Know that they wanted something good from you. Remember it.

You will question yourself and that is normal- people who are normal, have consciences, examine themselves, ask themselves what they could have done differently- this is part of reviewing- What could you have done? nothing- you didn’t know they were disordered- now you know- learn all you can about how they work-how they did it- that is your task- to see that they manipulated you and that you were no match for them (nor were some “experts” where psychopaths were concerned).

Discipline yourself to stop looking at your ‘faults’ as connected to the psychopath-character disordered specifically – any encounter with anyone can trigger a desire to re-evaluate one’s life and behaviour- this is normal and progressive- it’s a testament to your desire and ability to grow and transcend, to move forward and blossom- the encounter may provide the spark, the seed- your ‘faults’ or ‘weaknesses’ did not cause you to be targetted and manipulated by the character disordered.

Try not to psychologise yourself- do it with a therapist but only one who lays the blame where it belongs- on the perpetrator-abuser. Trust no one on the net to psychologise you- they have no right; and it’s the blind leading the blind, imo.

Hang out with people who emotionally support you but do not make you doubt yourself- people who try to tell you or imply that you are somehow at fault – do not confide in anyone who pathologises your behaviour or brings you pathologising theories- a psychopath-character disordered is a relationship anomaly/aberration- normal rules don’t apply and neither do theories (for that’s all they are, and largely uncompassionate, I think) about us, the survivors. As long as you continue to psychologise yourself about this (non)relationship, you remain attached.

Know that you did not have control over the encounter, that you do not have control over anything except what you choose to believe and do- choose to elevate everything around you. Choose life.

Repair what is broken- Force yourself to Turn away from the face of evil and add something to the world- even while you are in shock, take a moment to be kind to someone, some small thing or kind thought, and take charge of your soul- be the captain. I have overcome a lot of damage just by putting one step in front of the other and laying a new foundation bit by bit in repairing a bit of the world. No one can take that away from me. When you see what you can do to make the world a better place, how the world responds to you, you won’t listen to anyone who is only looking to fix you by telling you how you are broken. You have a broken,shattered heart and you already know that. End of story.

What is your goal now that you are moving away from this damaging environment? It’s important to have an elevating goal that will inspire you to greatness, spiritual and otherwise. 

If you are reading this, you are a person of considerable character and thought. You are not willing to lie down and die. You will not allow what happened to defeat you. You survived to get to this place- there is great strength in that.

Know what you stand for, what you are willing to live and to die for. Learn this about yourself as you work things through.

Know that this too shall pass and that the other side is wonderful, is amazing, something that you can’t imagine right now. You will amaze yourself. In moments of despair and moments of soul searing loneliness, know that you are not alone. You are supported. And others have gotten through this and you will too. And you will do it with the dignity that is your birthright- in a perfectly human way.

  1. There is life after narcissistic abuse. There is hope and peace, even if only in fleeting moments for now. But don’t give up. He wants you to disappear. My ex husband (of 34 years) was systematically erasing me. I finally decided I wanted to live. It was the only good decision I could make. Since then I’ve learned so much and my eyes have been so utterly opened. I now see so clearly what I couldn’t while in the midst of it. I always knew something was wrong but thought it was me. I have gained perspective, knowledge, and wisdom in only a year. Yes, some nights are still filled with sorrow, grief, and tears for the injustice of it, for the lost time, for my adult children, but I will heal and I will go on to live a good life. He will always be a black hole, sucking the life out of everyone around him. Escape from these kinds of men while you can, while you still have some semblance of who you are. They want to keep you fearful of what will happen to you if you leave so they will lie, threaten and bully you into compliance to ensure their supply. Have courage. Have faith in your own strength. You know what is right. Don’t stay in a relationship that is killing your soul. LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO CHOOSE LIFE. YOU ARE WORTH IT.

    Like

  2. Excellent article!!!

    Like

  3. I am with you, also ruined my life with one. His complaints and blames took me away from my family, another country, where he could isolate, humiliate, do whatever he could do with no sane eye to watch on me.
    I wake up every day with a sense of loss and mourning and do not know whether I can live normal life again. Alone in another country with no broader family, only my kids and I…

    Like

    • Pray without ceasing!!! Ask God to help you leave the country with your kids! Where 2 or more are gathered in Jesus name it shall be done . I hav been in your shoes. I Thank God I’m free! Ask for help NOW! Life begins when you are free of the evil! NO CONTACT with a narcissist! My heart goes out to you.

      Like

  4. I am with you, also ruined my life with one. His complaints and blames took me away from my family, another country, where he could isolate, humiliate, do whatever he could do with no sane eye to watch on me.
    I wake up every day with a sense of loss and mourning and do not know whether I can live normal life again. Alone in another country with no broader family, only my kids and I…

    Like

  5. I broke up with my. Narcissist two years ago..i walked away …first I stayed 6 months without contact and then I missed him.i called him again and now one and a half years later..he would not take me back
    He told me that if I want to get back together I will have to accept that he has other partners in his life and I should play along
    My shock is beyond belief I thought I meant something to him
    I think that is his way of punishment becz I left him..by the way when I did..he never called back .

    Like

  6. Excellent. Well done you couldnt have said it better myself.

    Like

  7. I’ve been married to a narcissist for nearly 45 years, 10 of which we’ve lived apart. The abuse begins slowly but the red flags were definitely there. I have been in a women’s domestic abuse program for 1 1/2 years now & can say I’m in an emotionally healthier place now.

    I know now You are the only one who can make your life better by
    1 becoming aware of your narcissistic environment.
    2 educating yourself by reading everything available (there’s quite a bit of info
    if you dig deep enough). Know the Abusers Control Tactics so you can
    recognize when he’s using them against you. It puts you in a place of
    empowerment to disengage mentally, & eventually physically from him.
    3 get professional help. There are organizations specifically for abused women.
    Some offer free counseling.
    4 LEAVE HIM. I can’t tell you how relieved I felt living in the ABSENCE of abuse.
    5 get divorced
    6 build yourself into the woman you were meant to be—
    create your core values/principles list & live by them.
    Then create your boundaries list & let no one violate your integrity.

    None of this is easy. I cried myself to sleep every night because of the abuse I was constantly enduring. He’d deny, stomp out, blame shift, project, triangulate, twist conversations… After 5 years of study, I recognise his tactics now & can deal with him in a more non-attached manner. Studying narcissism & abuse has been time very well spent because this knowledge & experience will serve me for all other relationships, both romantic & platonic I encounter. I hope never to become involved with a narcissist again. I know what to look now.

    Instead of suffering his abuse for years trying to reason, placate, & appease a partner who only cares about getting his own needs met, save yourself the continued heartache & make the courageous, inevitable decision to leave him & divorce. Its going to happen anyway. Sooner is emotionally better for you than later.

    A STRONG WOMAN WILL AUTOMATICALLY STOP TRYING IF SHE IS UNWANTED OR ABUSED. SHE WILL SIMPLY WALK AWAY.

    I ENDEAVOR TO BUILD MATURE, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS OF MUTUAL RESPECT, TRUST, CARE, UNDERSTANDING, EMPATHY, SUPPORT, HUMOR AND LOVE.

    YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE. Make it a happy one.

    Like

  8. Very insightful .Thank you

    Like

  9. Thanks Ana for your article on new ways of healing, been doing so for about a month now, so nice to see you spell it out so clearly. Broke up from a one year relationship with a beautiful narcissistic artist and didn’t fully understand the situation until the very end of the relationship when I started doing tons of soul searching and research. We’re both in our early 50s. She is naturally pretty, amazingly charming, very sexy, very outdoorsy, very good cook, and very good with her hands, my kind of gal, or so I thought. She experienced a devastating family tragedy early in life, and her son was going through re-occurring legal troubles. She did most of the talking in the relationship and we probably discussed her family issues for over a hundred hours in the year I knew her. I was always very supportive and interacted with her one sided conversations to the very end. I started to get worried something wasn’t right because she never wanted to talk about my life, and if she did ask, felt like it was a token gesture and the conversation would soon veer back to her. My first clue something was really wrong was when my father passed away a few months into the relationship, she was the first person I called after five long days of sitting beside my father. About 15 minutes into the conversation, she said I sounded upset and maybe we should talk tomorrow? I hung up and she texted me the next day saying she didn’t understand. It was full blown total lack of empathy and I was too blind in love to see. A month after, her son started a three month jail term. She was distraught and in a rage, lashing out at everything including me, saying crazy things. We didn’t sleep for two nights but was supportive because I was blindly in love. After that incident, her father gave her a tidy sum of money and she took a month off from work and stayed home to finish a construction project on her house. She would always tell me how attracted she was to the guy that was doing the construction. I told myself to man up and not be jealous, but she would go no contact with me for a few days at a time off and on during that month. We were supposed to be in love and have been dating for about six months. I told her the no contact bothered me and she flew off into a rage and told me the problem was all mine. When they finished the project, she texted me about how beautiful the moon was and could we meet to catch up. I broke up with her for about a week. What a fool, should have kept walking, but we got back together. In the next couple months she flew off into three more rages. I told her early on in the relationship that I dated a woman once who would lock eyes with other guys, complete strangers, when we were out to dinner or at a party, told her that it hurt me and was disrespectful. She started doing this off and on and would deny doing it. I would help her around her house fixing stuff and she would say something condescending to me after a long day working instead of just saying thanks. She would say things like “now you can say hey look and see what I did”, or she would start asking me questions about my best friend, and this was after working on her house all day. I could go on and on with even more crazy stories. In this relationship I went above and beyond in both emotional and financial support. I told three bad jokes in one year, and she flew off into a rage over each one, and I sincerely apologized over and over each time, and she wouldn’t let up. I’m no slouch, I’m professionally employed, financially stable, have my own home, decent looking, in good shape, treat people with respect and have a healthy dose of empathy for everyone in this world. The crazy thing, she couldn’t understand why I walked away in the end…. I’m still having a hard time believing such people exist in this world.

    Like

    • Sorry for you! You sound like a good guy. My ex husband was a narcissist also. It’s always about them. I’m glad you are free of her. God bless!

      Like

  10. Can someone help explain something please?

    For last year I was in touch with a woman, everyhing was going fine and we were attracted to each other deeply, but I felt like this sick feeling, in my gut, and I felt like I was getting hit by words that was like changing my way of thinking, like I was being pulled deep in some void, and it got so much, and I said to her somehing is up, and she apologised but then dissappeared for couple of days, like some silent treatment, and the feeling was sick,I really feel sick, like my who body is feeling really down..

    My intuition was ringing loud inside of me. Like a deep gut feeling.

    And now, this aching swimming sensation,like i want to cry, like it’s hurting, and I never felt like that when I love smeone, and i know something is wrong inside me now, like someone broken, something. I can’t shake it off, it’s in me, like crawling through my whole skin and body,and I can’t work, I feel down, depressed,.

    And I wish I never met her now, and I before I met her I was sure abiout things, now I am not sure, like my mind is flpping, like one minute “is it my fault for blocking her? Maybe I should have said something first” But apart of me is shoouting “no, no, you was right, she was mabipulating you, something is wrong, terribly wrong inside you now.

    This is not normal. I can’t shake this feeling off and I feel like I am spiralling down, drepress, like it’s inside me and I feel aching feeling, like crying,

    I don’t know how I can explain it only by what I said. Can someone tell me, what on earth is going on, as I never had this ever before ever. I know she came from abusive, her mother is very abusive, controlling, and she is shy/awkward but in begining lots of love bombing kind of thing, then it became negative, then irritaional, then cooled down, and up and down, and lots of negaive about this and that, and now…I feel really out of it.

    Hope someone can help because I am tring to fing how get rid of this feeling,it’s really dragging me down. It’s effecting my motivation for work.

    Like

  11. I spent 38 years married to a Narcissist. Totally clueless as to why he treated me and our daughter so badly. Information was my saviour. A coworker who had been married to one and a old friend too. Plus tons of information on the Internet. I saw the truth and escaped my imprisionment. Luckily my daughter was grown and married. I still share grandkids with him and work through that daily. I had reached the point where I hated him and wished bad things would happen to him to set me free. I dreaded going home from work every day. Now over a year later I am still healing and reading all I can get my hands on. Joined a new church and started a relationship with a wonderful normal man who had went through the same with a female Narcissist. We are emotional support for each other. We are both enjoying life again. There is life after a Narcissist marriage and its is so good. Knowledge can set you free. The divorce was hard but worth it. No regrets only peace in my heart. You don’t have to spend your life as there caretaker -servant. My late father-in-law wasted his life in abuse (physical-emotional) from my ex’s mother. That was an eye opener for me. 59 years of going along with anything she wanted. He died a broken man and alcoholic. I did want the end of my life to be like that. I knew I had to make hard difficult changes. Its hard some times when there are people still being fooled by my ex. He portrays himself as a victim of me. Poor man who never told a lie or did anything wrong. That’s a hard pill to swallow but I just smile and feel empathy for those he fools. I am no longer the fool. Happy to be free at last.

    Like

  12. This helped me so much! These last 6 months have been very soul-wrenching. I’m still trying to wrap my head around how someone could actually do this to another human being. It is beyond my comprehension BUT…now I must think of being whole and well. Forgive myself and move forward.

    Like

  13. Thank you 😂

    Like

  14. Im still reeling from narcissistic abuse.
    My ex has convinced everyone that im insane.
    He lies and manipulates all around him but I know what he is.
    My healing journey has only just begun but hell its hard and painful

    Like

  15. What you need to keep telling yourself is that he is not relationship material. You need to build boundaries around your psyche and not let him cross them. You need to separate his fake interpretation of you and the world with the real world. He’s not like you, me and everyone else. He’s irredeemably flawed. If you can’t get away just yet, at least internalize the fact that you are fine. If he says you aren’t, you know you must be. He’s always gonna be wrong; it’s a prerequisite of his condition.

    Like

  16. Sharon Schiralli

    Since my last post here I have been no contact with my narc for almost 2 years now, and I just wanted to write that Im doing so much better. God has been merciful to me and I give Him all the glory that Im able to recover from my ordeal at my own pace and Im happy. Im finding joy and happiness again. I wrote about my 25 years with my ex narc husband in here, and Im so happy to be getting through PTSD and moving forward. I felt stuck for a long time but now Im slowly starting to move on with my life. I want to live again, be happy, feel joy, and walk in Gods peace.

    For 2 years theres healing but also I have been through hell but now Im seeing life returning, Friends and family returning and being able to be sociable without crying about something about my situation. There is life on the other side of being with a narc. Forgiving them, getting through your feelings and emotions and forgiving myself for being an unwitting participant as his enabler. I can spot a narc now almost right away and I steer clear. Im not interested in another relationship, but I am open to friendships.

    It took me actually longer to forgive the people who walked away from me in my darkest times then for me to walk away and forgive the narc. It really bothered me that family and friends pulled away from me instead of encouraging me and being there for me. That felt like another rejection and another hurt almost as bad as the divorce itself. Its been a real roller coaster ride emotionally and spiritually, because not only was I left alone but there was no one to vent to or to say I understand or give me a hug. It was cold and calculating and it really threw me, but I got through it. I learned to trust God and not rely on people so much, what they thought about me or what they said about me. I was literally being verbally attacked by family and the people they poisoned that I was just looking for attention and to make sure no one felt sorry for me. I sat alone for almost a year without phone calls from the church I attended regularly for years, family, or friends. It almost drove me mad, and I started questioning myself, was my ex right, that Im horrible, by all accounts the way people were treating me sure felt like it was true. But I didnt allow myself to believe that, he was just saying what he knew would hurt me the most, and then I found out that there was more then one narc in my life. Thats why all of this was happening, the other narc was discrediting me to relatives and friends afraid I might steal some attention away from her. For some reason I wanted so desperately to be friends with someone who really was out to take me down. I was like a narc magnet. I praise God for changing my thinking and distancing myself from them. I quit begging for them to help me or acknowledge me and just made God the only one I trusted.

    Now when this other narc, a family member I cant just throw out of my life, calls me I dont tell them anything. I have ceased telling them how I feel or whats going on with me or my life and they keep calling me to get together now, they dont know whats changing in my life and Im not telling them. I keep it all surface. I had no idea that there was a few narcs in my life and I have to start all over making new friends. Im being more guarded in my life so they cant talk about what they dont know about. I can see its driving her nuts, because now shes bringing over wine hoping to loosen me up to find out the scoops. I drink half of a glass and let her get blasted LOL! Rejection no longer has any power over me because I seek God and by Him and Jesus I am acceptable and not rejected. It took a long time to figure out who I am, Im not sure I ever knew that before. At 57 Im finding out Im really a good person and I am worth loving and being friends with. I no longer beg anyone to be my friend or seek anyone elses approval. Friendships are coming around slowly, but I need it to be slowly, Im being built back up in such a way that I know I have worth and didnt deserve anything the narcs gave me, but also am taking precautions that I dont live like that ever again either.

    Im not pushing christianity on anyone, Im just saying that in my time of need, loneliness, and mental anguish, God was there. I didnt trust people at all but I trusted God and I learned a lot about myself and others and things changed as I spoke the word of God over my life.

    So in closing I changed and grew a lot, and life is so much better being narc free. Im slowly easing myself back into being social again, because I decided I didnt want to just exsist I wanted to live…really live.

    Like

  17. I’m now 25 I met him when I was 18 today is out six year anniversary I realised last week he has nars I still don’t want to believe it he drained me for six years never said a word about past relationships.I met him he must have saw some kindness in me or the fact I was easy to use because I feel I have no true kindness in me anymore I fee guilty about the thing I say to him it scares me because I think what if I have the same thing.I went above and beyond for him I put him first I put him in a place above my family sisters any one in my life no one came close to the live I had for him. He used me for money took all my moths wages and left me house bound while he Brought designer clothes yet saw no fault in this I used to think of myself as a good judge of character until I met him. When I was with him and my sisters told me to buy them chocolate to bring home he told me they were taking advantage of me which I thought was strange. He told me every week after our usual weekly fight he would change but never did . He cried on me again and again of how much of a good person I was and I deserve better then the next morning he was alway happy like nothing had happened while I couldn’t move out of bed as I felt so drained he did worse but I don’t know we’re to start and where to finish I feel confused and scared I feel like I still need him I feel like I can’t live with out him in my head I know exacting what he is doing but I can’t stop feeling u gate my self so much I like nothing about my self but he says he likes it for me which I know what he is doing but I love him I go have confronted him like now and he tell me to leave because there is no hope for him hevery says he tells me to save my self think about my selife he tell me he loves me but his issues got in the way of his love for me I don’t know what to do with myself I felt lost before him but after him I feel like I no longer exist

    Like

    • So sorry to hear about your experience. But self care and self love are of the utmost importance for you. Use this time to look within and find your true self, away from another’s influence on you. You are young and met him at a very vulnerable age. I too have been through a similar experience. Our self worth and the ability to look forward and not back is our salvation.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Me too. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever trust another human being as long as I live. I will always be left wondering if its genuine or not. Narcs break something in you.

    Like

  19. Thank you for those words.

    Like

  20. Thank you. I read this with large tears and maybe a few sobs. YOU spoke to ME.

    Like

Thoughts or Feelings you'd like to share?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: