New Ways To Healing

 

You begin in shock. In disbelief. You may suffer from Post Traumatic Stress (I did). As you are beginning to re-remember, the feelings are going to be overwhelming. Every emotion under the sun. Chaotic feelings. Tremendous ambivalence. Anger, hatred, vengefulness, murder, all the really nasty stuff. Terrible, soul-tearing loneliness. This is normal, this is you being human. Feel all the feelings, cry an ocean. This is grieving. I cried for 3 years, almost every day. I was comforted by this saying from mystical Judaism, “G-d counts the tears of women” (and men, I’m sure).
At the same time,

Learn everything you can about psychopathy and pathological narcissism. We are not talking just immature jerks here, or the abusive, but hardcore pathology.

Return to the past and remember and review in detail. This is not obsessing- this preoccupation is very necessary for healing because you are starting from square one — what you thought existed, did not. So you must find out what really existed- replace the pathway of emotion laden remembrance with the stark, unyielding reality.

It is through the above 3 ways that we emotionally detach-separate ourselves from the psychopath-character disordered, when we begin to grasp the massive deception and subtle, practised erosion of our beings. Always we must trust our gut as we work this out and thru.

Rehearse and reinforce that this was not a normal person, that it was a lie, that it had nothing to do with you (the hardest)- but it did happen to you- and there is no psychological rhyme nor reason to it because psychopaths-character disordered are in a mysterious class by themselves, not really from this planet as we know it.

Know that they wanted something good from you. Remember it.

You will question yourself and that is normal- people who are normal, have consciences, examine themselves, ask themselves what they could have done differently- this is part of reviewing- What could you have done? nothing- you didn’t know they were disordered- now you know- learn all you can about how they work-how they did it- that is your task- to see that they manipulated you and that you were no match for them (nor were some “experts” where psychopaths were concerned).

Discipline yourself to stop looking at your ‘faults’ as connected to the psychopath-character disordered specifically – any encounter with anyone can trigger a desire to re-evaluate one’s life and behaviour- this is normal and progressive- it’s a testament to your desire and ability to grow and transcend, to move forward and blossom- the encounter may provide the spark, the seed- your ‘faults’ or ‘weaknesses’ did not cause you to be targetted and manipulated by the character disordered.

Try not to psychologise yourself- do it with a therapist but only one who lays the blame where it belongs- on the perpetrator-abuser. Trust no one on the net to psychologise you- they have no right; and it’s the blind leading the blind, imo.

Hang out with people who emotionally support you but do not make you doubt yourself- people who try to tell you or imply that you are somehow at fault – do not confide in anyone who pathologises your behaviour or brings you pathologising theories- a psychopath-character disordered is a relationship anomaly/aberration- normal rules don’t apply and neither do theories (for that’s all they are, and largely uncompassionate, I think) about us, the survivors. As long as you continue to psychologise yourself about this (non)relationship, you remain attached.

Know that you did not have control over the encounter, that you do not have control over anything except what you choose to believe and do- choose to elevate everything around you. Choose life.

Repair what is broken- Force yourself to Turn away from the face of evil and add something to the world- even while you are in shock, take a moment to be kind to someone, some small thing or kind thought, and take charge of your soul- be the captain. I have overcome a lot of damage just by putting one step in front of the other and laying a new foundation bit by bit in repairing a bit of the world. No one can take that away from me. When you see what you can do to make the world a better place, how the world responds to you, you won’t listen to anyone who is only looking to fix you by telling you how you are broken. You have a broken,shattered heart and you already know that. End of story.

What is your goal now that you are moving away from this damaging environment? It’s important to have an elevating goal that will inspire you to greatness, spiritual and otherwise. 

If you are reading this, you are a person of considerable character and thought. You are not willing to lie down and die. You will not allow what happened to defeat you. You survived to get to this place- there is great strength in that.

Know what you stand for, what you are willing to live and to die for. Learn this about yourself as you work things through.

Know that this too shall pass and that the other side is wonderful, is amazing, something that you can’t imagine right now. You will amaze yourself. In moments of despair and moments of soul searing loneliness, know that you are not alone. You are supported. And others have gotten through this and you will too. And you will do it with the dignity that is your birthright- in a perfectly human way.

  1. I am not out of the relationship. But I have too get out very soon. I have a little one with him. My energy is down and I am angry. This article has helped. And I need more as my cup has been drained many times. I have to work harder than ever. But look forward to healing and raising my child, having my own money.

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  2. Thank you thank you thank you!!!

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  3. This article has saved my life – emotionally & mentally. I’m so grateful I stumbled across it when I did.

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  4. Thank you so much for publishing this.

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  5. Narcissist came into my life was very charming as well as cunning he use me played with my emotions and discarded my feelings like they did not meant anything to him I was him for one year after he discarded me he was dating another very soon after he was done with me I’m in therapy now sorting out feelings of being hurt and frustrated I was dealing with a NPD person and had no idea until he pulled the rug right from under me without a care in the world when he first put me on this pedestal

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  6. I have never commented on a website, but in couldn’t help myself after reading this excellent post. It has been a month now since I found our my N cheated multiple times on me. I’d left him three weeks before that as the lies and secretive behavior was not something I could handle. I’d tried to leave 3 times previous as something didn’t feel right in the 6 months we were living together. It was all about him, and as I realise now there was very subtle but ever present emotional abuse. I was a wreck when I left & worse when learning of his double life. This past month I’ve researched everything I can, and based on all my reflecting I can honestly say I wish from day 1 I’d started no contact. Ppl like this will never own their issues or mistakes. They don’t care you can’t sleep eat or breathe & work suffers. They literally feel nothing is wrong, you’re to blame & they were amazing. Mine decided ..confessed …denied and then confessed the affair just to mess with me. He is charming and can fool anyone. You will never ever get closure from these people – so as I’ve learnt the hard way over this month – try your best to refrain from contact. They will show glimpses of regret before quickly reverting to blaming you and everyone else. He has moved on to dating via tinder, and multiple other websites (he was on when with me!). In saying that do what you need to do to survive but know when to draw the line. I sent a final email to mine and he replied with abuse as predicted but I then blocked all communication. If you don’t do this it’ll eat you up and you start looking crazy which suits them perfectly! excellent blog to read – it’s helped immensely – thank you xxx

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  7. Finally he is out of my life! It was only 11 months, but it was emotional torture. He sought me out on a dating website and rushed to meet me with in the same few days. He was Prince Charming, mirroring everything I ever wanted in a “SOUL MATE”. Even when I was trying to take the relationship slow, he was telling me he loved me, never met anyone he adored so much, was calling me his “ANGEL”. Everything I ever wanted was right there in front of me. Against my better judgement and gut insticts (I will NEVER make that mistake again) we were engaged with in 3 months and he moved in with me and my 2 children the following month. I expressed to him that it was too soon but he told me he wanted to wake up next to me every day. Meanwhile, being the codepentant that I am, I consolidated his debt, bought him a car and was helping him build his business.
    All the signs were there, I saw them and chose to ignore them thinking it would get better. He picked fights with me daily, started pulling away, was constantly texting and Facebook messaging past girlfriends (victims). I started to lie to cover my suspicions so I wouldn’t make him mad. I read some of his messages. He was talking to the other “Victims” the same way he talked to me. Calling them his “Angels”, telling them how special they were and how much he missed them. “Handing them crumbs”!! When I would question him on his behavior or suggest therapy he would call me the most horrific names, degrade me, call me a troll, tell me how unattractive I was. He suffered from impotence because of medication that he was taking and he blamed me for being repulsive.
    On October 17 he finally moved out of my house.. it was the best and the sadest day EVER. It has been up and down for me. He moved on to his next victim within a week of moving out and breaking off the engagement. That alone tells me that I meant nothing to him. I was just someone who filled a void. I have a long way to go in my recovery. But it started the day I had ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT and I chose ME!!!
    PS: he still owes me $20k and he is driving a car registered to me, being financed in my name and insured in my name. I will deal with that when I am ready and strong.
    Kim from Palm City Florida

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  8. I thought this was a great article and helped me a ton. The physical abuse started a while ago but progressed in October… Found out about the cheating in November… His side chick is meeting his whole family at a wedding today… The wedding I was supposed to be at with our son. But don’t you think the “victim” mentality can be a slippery slope? This is my second long term relationship with a narcissist and I know I didn’t listen to my gut and let him trample all over my barely there boundaries… Just curious as to what you think about this… I certainly would like to avoid a third nightmare!

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  9. I started taping and recording my ex gf narcissist Sugen Hung too!

    It had never even occured to me to do that with any other girlfriend but she started saying some pretty outlandish stuff that was making me feel that I was losing touch with reality. I have her on tape during one if her rants telling me, “your therapist can help you to (act more in compliance with my manipulations of you) but there’s something about you, Andre, that’s wrong I just can’t put my finger on it. Your problem Andre is that you feel a relationship is suppose to be 50/50″.

    She would also gaslight by saying very critical things about me and then a few seconds later deny ever having said them!

    She totally kept our intense “relationship” secret from her mom. She would sneakily parade other suitors in my face claiming I had a ” jealousy issue” I needed to work out in counseling.

    She gave me a 3 week silent treatment, whereby I was doubled over in bed in severe depression, while she went back to an old source of narcissistic supply, I later learned.

    She has her friends at the school we taught at together all believing that it was I who abused her. She even had my therapist believing I was at fault.

    I was very desperate. Without the life saving wisdom on narc abuse such as these bligs and timely spiritual support, I might not be alive today. Narcissists make you question the value of continuing to live life.

    I have to continually read narc abuse recovery sites like these to keep from idealizing the “relationship”. These sites, mostly by women – God bless you – had been a life saver.

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    • I was (and I don’t know why) or had in my mind most Narcs were men. Sorry.
      I just couldn’t imagine a woman doing that ( other then a mother to a child) maybe I’ve been under a rock. Or with my Narc to long iam out of touch with reality. And have not many friends left and don’t socialize .

      The tapes help me in other ways , I don’t know if I mentioned this .
      And I certainly don’t know if this is wrong or am I doing good . I listen to them when I get weak, when he calls especially now during the holidays being nice. To remind myself who he really is , what he’s really like and how he really feels about me . Because I taped him in all ways .
      I’m quite surprised I wasn’t caught .
      On one specific conversation 2 months where I knew a lot and I knew what he was all about and the tricks and the gaslighting and me being always wrong – he went from subject to subject …….what about when you did this and what about when you abets this way and what’s going on with this , maybe 10 subjects he touched, till I was crying at the end and was hung up on.

      That day I was quite sick and he called to “see” how I was doing. I wasn’t as sick as I was depressed and couldn’t be around him.

      After I listen to that a few days ago, it was like a movie – a long one – he wasn’t happy till he made me cry because I had not gone to work. And I was avoiding him a bit trying to sort things out because I couldn’t speak to him without crying.
      Well he succeed and made me feel worse with the phone call.
      When I listened to it, it hit me what he was doing , hitting every subject till he got what he wanted which was to make me cry give him attention and hang up on me while I was crying . One of his most favorite things to do. And one of the most hurtful to me , sadly I had told him this a few years ago and he always remembered it and used it while I forgot and fell for it everytime .
      Mine denies everything he says with in a moments change too – but iam too scared to play it to him – and I really don’t have much contact –
      Maybe this helps or maybe iam wrong – cause sometimes when I do listen ( and I don’t do this often as it may sound) I also re live the hurt and disbelief for awhile – I hope you feel better , iam going to get a new job or try – as working together is real real hard and I don’t think it’s possible to heal this way – without even going to work – that’s just me – I don’t know
      About anyone else or judging – hell I can barely go outside so iam no one to talk – all the best

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    • Andre this is terrible. And predictable. It’s unusual to hear men’s accounts and that’s because it’s generally a male affliction. I can imagine it’s even more difficult for you due to this and having so few men you can chat to about your experience. I was once in a quasi relationship w a bonafide psychopath and now have after 3 years realised my crazy boyfriend is a narcissist too. The sheer amount of total cr8p he talks is unreal.

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  10. Thanks for article. My partner passed away from drink related causes at fifty eighteen months ago after creating a he’ll On earth for us all himself myself and our sixteen yr old son. Since then my son and I have begun life anew life so good in the absence of the abuse we cannot believe how it can be so. But now I know why our life was so vile so unbearable after years of trying to get my partner out or my son and myself away, my ex was narcissistic. And as I was apparently the ill one the crazy one when I did the dsm test for the psychologist my ex decided to do an online one for a laugh. He got 90+ % for npd. That got dropped like a hot potatoe. A few months later after even worse times and physical abuse towards our son I left him finally I had squirreled some money away to survive and had met friend trying to help me in an animal rescue I was involved in and was able to tell my ex no more. Of course he called n called n kept coming to talk to me for a week huge dramas terrible v upset his own son sent him packing finally, but my ex went off calling and texting for two more days and then silence. Blessed silence. but then the guards called asking when had I heard from my ex a neighbour was concerned about his absence for two days. Up to the house ( my son and I had moved into a caravan) and guards broke in. He was dead of a massive heartattack. Despite the doctors warning he had took to heavy drinking again.

    Since then my son and I have been new people, damaged confused people but reading this article and many like it are bringing real healing now. We know now it’s not us we were manipulated abused used isolated torn down in every v way not because we are unworthy people but because my ex couldn’t help himself he was a narcissist

    Thank you for this website xxx <3

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  11. I am still in a relationship with a psychopath. He made my life hell. still I am not able to come out of this relationship. We are having severe fights everyday. He is making my life hell. He possess all the qualities of a psychopath. I have blocked him from all the social sites. Then the next day i have again unblocked him. I am still in love with him after so so many damages he have done to me. Please help/

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  12. I left him 2 days ago. Im a mess going crazy reading all the info I can to finally get past this and not go back to him again.
    So much of what I read is like hearing my own stories. Kind and wonderful one moment then full of anger and blame the next leaving me filled with a fear I’ve never felt. Sadness overcomes me all the time. I lived in constant fear of when the next uncalled for fit of rage would come.
    During times of rage I am ignored, screamed at, scratched and made to feel completely lost as to what I did wrong this time. Things get the worst when I want to go to church or spend time with my family
    Im completely devastated right now. Im doing my best to focus on God, family and counting. Ive blocked his number but still need to return home to get what few items I have left that he refused to let me keep. I am terrified.

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  13. My live in narcissist boyfriend of five years sat me down three days before Christmas and told me he had been having an affair and was leaving me for the other woman.
    This is the first Christmas since my son died, and I was already barely hanging on. Just trying to get through it all.
    He sat there and gloated…said he had just been using me all along. Then when I didn’t react enough (I guess) he started giving me the other woman’s name and address and then names of other women.So many of them.
    We live in a very small rural town…I know all these women.
    I just don’t even want to ever leave my house again.

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    • Thanks for the post my situation is nearly the same. He is the first narcissistic person I’ve experienced it’s so overwhelming

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  14. I met him just before my son was in a terrible accident ( which he survived), he was the contractor doing work on my house. He seemed very nice.
    He isn’t.
    And then he sat there and said ” well , it’s kind of strange don’t you think that I met you right before J’s accident and now I’m leaving you right after his death?”
    Who the hell thinks this way?
    What thinks this way?
    Now I feel like he has put parenthesis around my son’s life. He stood holding my son’s hand just before he died and said ” I will always take care of your mom, I will never let anything hurt her”
    Verbatim, that’s what he said. And at the time I thought “what? Who is this person?” because our “relationship” was so horrifying on so many levels.
    And I allowed that evil to be near my son. I have no idea how to deal with any of this, I feel as if I’m losing my sanity.

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  15. I do the same thing with horrific texts and page long emails that my x narc sent to me. When I start missing him I remind my self what a nut case I was when we were together. He would tell me off weekly, call me horrific names, accuse me of things, lie, string along x girl friends via sex texting and FB messaging. I thought I was loosing my mind . One minute he would say he adored me and I was his angel, the next he would call me a nasty whore, bi polar, liar.
    If I didn’t keep the emails & texts I’m sure my mind would have over looked his sickness yet again. So YES .. Listen to the recordings and remind yourself that he is sick & you have nothing to do with it. You were only a puppet in his lonely self defeating life !!!
    Kim

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  16. Christina Stahle

    It’s a hell on earth to have a narcisist in the family. I thank of this healing and encouraging article. The one positive thing in encountering the evil was understanding the importance of prayer which helped not to give up and value of goodhearted people who walked with me. God bless the strong caring souls and believe me: the devil is nothing copared to the greatness of God.

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  17. This is the very first article I’ve ever read on NPD – whoaaaa. Mine screamed and called me a “cunt”. For real!?! What does it mean when the love of your life calls you a “cunt”? It’s been a decade of hell, then a year of pure hell (we finally did get together in 2013), got married long enough for us to fix up his God forsaken house and build him the backyard of his dreams, then when the 20k in my bank account hit zero, he kicked me to the curb without a plate or a fork or a lamp….at 53 years old. And now his lies have put a protective order on me, so I guess I’m not allowed to talk about this. I’m freaking out. I’ve never been in a bit of trouble in my life. I’ve neverrrrr threatened him or anyone. OH…and mine changed the door locks and brought in his new gf before I was even completely moved out.

    I have a LOT of learning to do…..can’t thank you enough for the article. WISH I could send it to him without going to jail. But then again, they have NOOOO conscience. Whatsoever. Wow….

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  18. Get out now! Walk away, dont look back, have ZERO contact. Block his/her numbers, email and any mutual friends. These people are pure evil and u are just fuel to their behavior. Trust your gut… Save urself! God Bless
    Kim from Palm City Florida

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  19. Been through the part of learning everything about narcs and their patterns of behavior. It is really hard for others to understand them being way beyond the usual selfish idiot. I am not in contact with the narc but as he sexually assaulted me and I did report it so the investigation is ongoing making so is proving harder to focus on new things as I feel like this monster is still lurking behind me. However, not defeated, and I feel good that no matter what this investigation is costing me emotionally I can be proud that when he does it again the police will have knowledge that if he is reported again the new victim is likely to be telling the truth despite how he distorts it. At 7 months past the sexual assault, quite a serious one, and the fact his immediate new partner is a police officer….(his message being I cant possibly of done this if my police officer gf believes me, she knows he is under investigation, testament to how good his ‘im the victim not her, lies are) I think i’ve done the getting knowledge of how these ugly on the inside/damaged/twisted people behave and am finally able to focus on getting though a potential trial and coming out the other side. I think the trick is to know ‘your’ narc, don’t worry too much about how you feel at first, go with it. Learn, anticipate from that knowledge how they can continue to inflict damage and see it coming. Once you KNOW them you can focus on you. And that’s when you start again. Which is where I am now. I don’t see the path forward as daunting, I am choosing to see it as a fresh start, but one filled with knowledge and experience. I think without being hippy about it, to embrace the unknown and to see it as a new adventure, albeit one still filled with having to clean the bathroom and the washer still breaks down included. Reality is far less scary when you can accept its not all going to be a party filled with lovely people just because you found enlightenment. I have learned that he has not destroyed my trust and I do not have to wear a t shirt with narcs got one over on me on it. It makes us all human. Nice humans who maybe have to do a bit of work on ourselves but allowed to stay fundamentally trusting, loving, happy people, just a bit more alert in future. The trust starts with trusting the advice from others who have had these experiences when they say you will come out of the other end intact and possibly happier and better for it. I am finding myself with the same negative thoughts many others I have heard have. Keep asking yourself what can be the positive? BEING ALIVE, HAPPY AGAIN AND FREE FROM THEM IS. One certainty is they likely wont stop their patterns of behavior or ever be whole, so let them keep at it with their journey and do yours. And understand even if they turn wonderful overnight (unlikely) they will never be able to say sorry enough to themselves for the abuse they inflicted, but you can say sorry to yourself and learn from the fact to whatever degree you accepted it. Eventually your smile and liking yourself will be authentic.

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  20. This article was very helpful! I suffered for a long time dealing with my ex. Alot of tears and pain and suffering. This article helps me to begin to heal.

    Thank you! :-)

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