Psychological and Emotional Invalidation
I think one of the most covertly abusive aspects of the narcissistic relationship is psychological and emotional invalidation. When the narcissist has NO reaction to us at all, it denies our humanity. Makes us feel like were worthless, invisible, unimportant, irrelevant. Its so dispiriting we cant believe its happening and so, we try one more time to see if we can get them to respond. If they dont respond, their silence reinforces the belief that were worthless. This is very similar to what a child feels when a parent neglects them and does not meet their emotional needs.
If the N responds though, we perceive it as validation that were living, breathing, human beings. That we do have impact on others even if it hurts us. Even if the N is angry, at least we feel seen and heard and validated. This is the Hook we feel when ending an abusive relationship. If the N had never acknowledged our existence, we wouldnt get hooked emotionally. The hook is called Intermittent Reinforcement. We had ALL the Ns attention, dedication and admiration at one point, so we KNOW its there. If we can just do things RIGHT, well be rewarded with a response of some kind.
The Ns acknowledgment of our existence temporarily fills an inner void that everyone experiences when an important relationship ends.
The problem with thinking we can earn validation (reward) is that were blaming ourselves for doing something WRONG when were NOT validated. We falsely believe that their invalidation is and was our fault.
Invalidation is one of the most painful cruelties human beings can experience. Going No Contact is all about healing yourself. Its not about making the narcissist miss you so much that he acknowledges your existence with a reply. Wondering why or if hell respond is still giving him too much power to validate your existence!
I know this isnt easy and we all do similar things until we get through this painful grieving period. Ending a relationship is excruciating for n-survivors because we think we found the answers to our self-doubt and self-worth when we met the N. Then suddenly, we find out they didnt even see us as human beings. They loved us like people love KitchenAids.
If we had any esteem issues or doubts about our worth and value, the D&D (devalue and discard) intensifies those feelings. It may take years to overcome a dysfunctional childhood after the N awakens fears we may not have known were there. The first step towards healthy self-reclamation is to let the N go his or her merry way and begin a long journey of self-discovery, initiated by our grief. It sounds like youre feeling the loss right now and its probably overwhelming…
Even years later, its unfathomable to me how Ns can pick up and move on as if we never even existed. I will never understand it and I dont have to understand it. All I have to do is ACCEPT it.
Remember, the narcissists lack of attachment says NOTHING about you. All it says is that Ns are incapable of emotional attachment to anyone. They are NOT suffering, though. We are. So even in the darkest of times when you dont think you can tolerate another moment of pain, remind yourself how marvelous it is to Feel and Feel Deeply. Even sorrow.
Every second of their lives they are searching and searching and searching. For something to make the pain and hate they feel about themselves go away. But it aint happening. So they go through woman after woman looking for the perfect love. Find it for the first month or so and then discover this woman has feelings of her own, is not perfect, does not think everything they say and do is right, and ooops, time to move on to the next victim.
I also think narcissists are intent on creating the Image of love and desirability for themselves. As long as they can prove they are sexy or attractive or desirable, they can project fault and blame for the failed relationship on their prior partner(s). Your X probably views those photos more than anyone else. Anytime he feels some doubt about being rejected because you arent reminding him how much you love and need and pine for his sorry arse, he logs-in to his posted photos and reassures his stud-ly-ness as in, See how HOT I am? Two women vie for my attention!
Keep the faith. Be good to yourself. Thank the lord you got out of that relationship. And remember Karma.
Perfect. Perfect description.
I just had this experience with my brother this morning. I started to feel angry then wanted to cry. Is this what happens when they stone wall You? My feelings become super intense.
Thank you for enlightening me. I have gone through this and done the dance with the devil. After 2,5 years of WTF this article gave me so much ❤️
This article helped me so much. Thank you. The first paragraph, about how it denies our humanity when the narc has no reaction at all, NONE… That’s exactly how it went down with my last contact via text with my narc. She’d said and done things so many times in the past that were like a sucker punch in the gut, that made me sure I could and would end it this time, but wound up going back for more. But the last time, the total lack of response, getting nothing but “okay” and “whatever you say” as responses to my desperate pleas for an answer to why I’d just walked into a minefield again, all because I’d asked a simple question, that’s when I knew that rock bottom had a basement, and I was done. I’ve been no contact for three weeks, it is hell at times, but recalling that last text exchange is all I need to keep me from ever going back. Thank you again.
Thank you so much for informing people about the warning signs of abuse. It’s so important for people to be able to catch these signs early and it starts with awareness. Thank you for this. Wish you all the best – speak766
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Id like to thank my wife Alison Gayle Feltner. She supported me mentally and psychologically 24 7 365. My late brother Christopher Rolan Feltner, Paige Marie daddy’s baby for always cheering me up, Andrew Mitchell Feltner,
He laid his hands on here to here and he blew out a massive amount of thick cum from it. Thank u. I hope to godess lol
This is eye opening in such a intimate way to me. I am a survivor of sexual, mental, physical, emotional, financial, paternal abuse. 6 orn7 years of molestation. 2 dad’s and mother abandoned me. At 12 my sociopathic mother was on a mission to destroy my dad. Not my father. I had been standing one wall away from her and she said this to him on the telephone. I’ll tell you something that is going to rip your guts out. Andrew is not even your son. Lol he is the son of that Famous Bluegrass music legend you have listened to for the last 16 years. Bill Yates is his dad. Yea it’s true, a legend and a very well placed mark in music culture. Net worth of 17.8 m as of 2015 Duns Bradstreet. Owns 2 record lables 2 studios. 2 bluegrass musician magazines and countless songs he composed or rewrote for his style. He died on my B day 2015 minutes before my birthday. It’s true. Karma placed my birthday a day created through him above his head for hundreds of years. I lived on the street, in cars on every couch in my family friends houses all summer as long as I could. Now I am a 41 year old Musician. I have written a new sound called Outlaw Edge. I have 30 plus songs completely composed by me start to finish. All original. Songs about my pain and suffering endlessly. Songs about my wake if misery I spewed onto this world. Song about not being there for my daughter when she was little because of her sociopathic mom. Songs about real life, real people in a real world. My band is South Bound. My first album is come hell or high water. I lost my baby brother Jan 23 this year to methamphetamine. My sister just died from opiod overdose July 5. My mother was institutionalized after her brutal rape and beating by Alex Ramirez on Jan 10 2010. I tracked him and located him before a 47 person crew located him. I met the love of my life 8 9 15. She was spun out by 3 sexual predators. One was a satantic cult member. She had a demon on her as black as coal. I knocked it all off. She is born again and now in recovert from extremely horrible Narcissistic mother from birth. We have a home paid for in Butler County Ohio. We take in victims of emotional and psychological abuse. That was only a glimpse into the story of my life. I have hundreds of stories about survival, becoming a man through a very intense verbal abuser my step father also my best friend Dean G Whitt. He sure didn’t soften the blows but what he did do is put a feeling a self back into me. He built a wall of armor on my conscious and showed me how to reprogram my subconscious. He also instilled a work ethic next to none I’ve ever seen and a die-hard hard driving no shit taking only the truth will be told and if you tell a man you are gonna do something by God do it or die trying. You can contact me through my FB Willy Mae kit, Google firstname.lastname@example.org. I work part time for so4reals producing company providing hip hop beats and master recording finished product. I live in Middletown Ohio, on a quiet street and I’m about to put my mark onto our music culture bigtime. By our estimation this is going to be a mark left as deep and definite as grunge and the father’s ofgrunge did in 1989 Alice n Chains Jerry Cantrell, Layne Stayley, Nirvanas Late Kurt Kobain and late singer and also a pioneer of grunge Chris Cornell. Thank you and please send me your request for stories or ideas for songs. South Bound with the gracious help of many investors and volunteers will be Launching a drug and alcohol addiction faciity across North America north and south and coast to coast every 150 miles. These mini ranch style properties are abundant in forest and wild life, fishing lake and several ponds. We will provide counseling and recovery programs for the families ripped apart by drugs and addicted parents. Families of anysize, race, religious and ethnic backgrounds will maintain the farm, stock and distribute the food pantry Heal the Hunger, another not for profit organization aimed at providing really healthy organic farm raised in house meats and veggies, also has an education center for children and adults. Free ged prep class if you pass your exam. Archery range atv trails behind Castle Pain South Bounds headquarters located in Lebanon Ohio. We also own Outlaw Express and a few publishing companies as of 2017. When a social music culture is lifeless, having no music is the less of all issues.
This is exactly what I needed to read to know I wasn’t going crazy and it wasn’t me. Thank you for this post.
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