Divorcing a Narcissist
The pen is mightier than the sword. I have to believe that is true. The depth of sorrow knows no bounds when fighting a narcissist. That’s a joke. You can’t fight a narcissist. They don’t have the capacity to lose. They must win at all cost and they will bring you down to the lowest rung on the ladder. Lower than you ever thought you could go. And when you think it can’t get any worse, and when you think you can’t feel any more helpless than you do right now they bring you down another notch. And this continues day after day, month after month, year after year until you decide you’ve had enough. When you finally get the courage to leave, you will try to fight for what is rightfully and legally yours. You might think the law is on your side if you live in a community property state like California but let me give you a piece of advice from a person who has been trying to divorce a narcissist for 2 ½ years. Don’t bother looking for justice, there is none. The law can be manipulated by a manipulator.
The law actually rewards liars. My narcissist hides money obtained from his cash businesses and it’s too expensive to find the money. My narcissist lies on his income and expense declaration and no one seems to care. My narcissist cheats the government on his taxes and the IRS doesn’t care either. My narcissist has everyone at the temple duped into thinking he’s such a great guy. He’s in like flint with the Rabbi. None of these people sees him for who he really is. What a scam.
My narcissist emotionally abuses my son and yells at him when he misses a ball in ping pong when they’re on the same team because his non-existent self esteem can’t stand it when he loses, and no one cares. I’ve asked the lawyers to intervene and help me but they don’t.
I own a house in joint tenancy with my narcissist. I am a joint tenant on an investment account with him. You would think joint tenancy means 50% ownership. It doesn’t. He’s claiming single and separate property claims on both. My narcissist has lived in our house for 2 ½ years and has not paid me one cent. On the contrary, I’ve been paying for his health insurance for the last year (the judge’s stipulation if I wanted to divorce him prior to the property settlement issues being settled). My narcissist hasn’t paid me one penny in child support nor anything toward my son’s health insurance premiums and no one cares.
My narcissist has filed for hearings to try to get child support, alimony and attorney’s fees from me. My attorney said we would be on the offense. We have never once been on the offense. We are always on the defense. To stop him from going through with the hearings I had to release funds from our investment account so he can have money to pay the mortgage on the house. The hearing on the alimony issue was a joke, he was seeking support from me but wouldn’t have even been at the hearing because on that date he was in the Caribbean on a $12,000 trip that he paid for. Now how did he do that when he only makes $2,000 per month? It was a bluff, and my attorney walked right into it.
He had a process server serve me with papers at my office to embarrass me. I have an attorney, he didn’t have to do that but in his mind annihilation is the only way. This is all a game for him. He wants to destroy me at all cost. The more he thinks he has hurt me, the happier he feels. I can’t afford to pay for his insurance anymore and I’m tired of being abused by him when he won’t even attempt to sit down to discuss settlement but no one cares. I stopped paying for it the last two months and he rammed me with a contempt of court hearing. Nice guy. Instead of trying to settle this he’s racking up attorneys fees on filing motions. He’s told me that the attorney’s fees are just an investment. I’ve spent $55,000 on attorney’s fees and forensic accountant’s fees to try to protect myself from him and I really don’t see how anyone with any sense of reality could think that money has been an investment.
There is nothing I can do to stop this process. It has a life of its own. I can’t get my attorney to settle this, I can’t stop the forensic accounting and legal fees. It just keeps on going like the Energizer bunny. My narcissist needs some major karmic payback. I have never hated anyone as much as I hate him and it’s wasted hate. He doesn’t care I hate him. The only thing the hate does is to eat me up inside. Of all the emotions I have experienced in the last two years nothing has been beneficial other than positive feelings of love and happiness. The fear didn’t help anything. The anger got me nowhere. The anxiety failed to produce any positive experience and the depression just sapped my energy and stopped me from accomplishing those things that needed my attention the most; my family and my business.
From someone who has endured more emotional pain than she ever thought she could, the only thing left is to try to help someone else in similar shoes so they don’t have to go through the same torturous experience I’ve gone through. So here it is…my advice to you is if you have children, protect them at all cost. Then your goal should be to do whatever it takes to get the narcissist out of your life. Don’t try to find justice. If you need to walk away, then walk away…strike that, run away. Don’t fight him, it’s not worth it. No amount of money in the world is worth this horrible emotional pain. If the narcissist isn’t abusing you then the lawyers are, the court system, the judge, the forensic accountants. You can’t win with a narcissist. You’ll never get him to feel remorse. You’ll never get him to say he’s sorry. You’ll never get him to acknowledge his short comings or inappropriate behavior.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to start a new life, heal from the pain of the past and move on. Don’t feed your anger, your helplessness. Redirect your negative energy into positive energy. Get things done. The only justice that exists is he has to live with himself. On some level he knows how pitiful he is. One day he will burn one too many bridges or rage one too many times, and he’ll find himself all alone. The thing that he fears the most will come true. That is the day you will have your justice. You just won’t be around to see it because you’ll be off somewhere enjoying your life.