Divorcing a Narcissist

The pen is mightier than the sword. I have to believe that is true. The depth of sorrow knows no bounds when fighting a narcissist. That’s a joke. You can’t fight a narcissist. They don’t have the capacity to lose. They must win at all cost and they will bring you down to the lowest rung on the ladder. Lower than you ever thought you could go. And when you think it can’t get any worse, and when you think you can’t feel any more helpless than you do right now they bring you down another notch. And this continues day after day, month after month, year after year until you decide you’ve had enough. When you finally get the courage to leave, you will try to fight for what is rightfully and legally yours. You might think the law is on your side if you live in a community property state like California but let me give you a piece of advice from a person who has been trying to divorce a narcissist for 2 ½ years. Don’t bother looking for justice, there is none. The law can be manipulated by a manipulator.

The law actually rewards liars. My narcissist hides money obtained from his cash businesses and it’s too expensive to find the money. My narcissist lies on his income and expense declaration and no one seems to care. My narcissist cheats the government on his taxes and the IRS doesn’t care either. My narcissist has everyone at the temple duped into thinking he’s such a great guy. He’s in like flint with the Rabbi. None of these people sees him for who he really is. What a scam.

My narcissist emotionally abuses my son and yells at him when he misses a ball in ping pong when they’re on the same team because his non-existent self esteem can’t stand it when he loses, and no one cares. I’ve asked the lawyers to intervene and help me but they don’t.

I own a house in joint tenancy with my narcissist. I am a joint tenant on an investment account with him. You would think joint tenancy means 50% ownership. It doesn’t. He’s claiming single and separate property claims on both. My narcissist has lived in our house for 2 ½ years and has not paid me one cent. On the contrary, I’ve been paying for his health insurance for the last year (the judge’s stipulation if I wanted to divorce him prior to the property settlement issues being settled). My narcissist hasn’t paid me one penny in child support nor anything toward my son’s health insurance premiums and no one cares.

My narcissist has filed for hearings to try to get child support, alimony and attorney’s fees from me. My attorney said we would be on the offense. We have never once been on the offense. We are always on the defense. To stop him from going through with the hearings I had to release funds from our investment account so he can have money to pay the mortgage on the house. The hearing on the alimony issue was a joke, he was seeking support from me but wouldn’t have even been at the hearing because on that date he was in the Caribbean on a $12,000 trip that he paid for. Now how did he do that when he only makes $2,000 per month? It was a bluff, and my attorney walked right into it.

He had a process server serve me with papers at my office to embarrass me. I have an attorney, he didn’t have to do that but in his mind annihilation is the only way. This is all a game for him. He wants to destroy me at all cost. The more he thinks he has hurt me, the happier he feels. I can’t afford to pay for his insurance anymore and I’m tired of being abused by him when he won’t even attempt to sit down to discuss settlement but no one cares. I stopped paying for it the last two months and he rammed me with a contempt of court hearing. Nice guy. Instead of trying to settle this he’s racking up attorneys fees on filing motions. He’s told me that the attorney’s fees are just an investment. I’ve spent $55,000 on attorney’s fees and forensic accountant’s fees to try to protect myself from him and I really don’t see how anyone with any sense of reality could think that money has been an investment.

There is nothing I can do to stop this process. It has a life of its own. I can’t get my attorney to settle this, I can’t stop the forensic accounting and legal fees. It just keeps on going like the Energizer bunny. My narcissist needs some major karmic payback. I have never hated anyone as much as I hate him and it’s wasted hate. He doesn’t care I hate him. The only thing the hate does is to eat me up inside. Of all the emotions I have experienced in the last two years nothing has been beneficial other than positive feelings of love and happiness. The fear didn’t help anything. The anger got me nowhere. The anxiety failed to produce any positive experience and the depression just sapped my energy and stopped me from accomplishing those things that needed my attention the most; my family and my business.

From someone who has endured more emotional pain than she ever thought she could, the only thing left is to try to help someone else in similar shoes so they don’t have to go through the same torturous experience I’ve gone through. So here it is…my advice to you is if you have children, protect them at all cost. Then your goal should be to do whatever it takes to get the narcissist out of your life. Don’t try to find justice. If you need to walk away, then walk away…strike that, run away. Don’t fight him, it’s not worth it. No amount of money in the world is worth this horrible emotional pain. If the narcissist isn’t abusing you then the lawyers are, the court system, the judge, the forensic accountants. You can’t win with a narcissist. You’ll never get him to feel remorse. You’ll never get him to say he’s sorry. You’ll never get him to acknowledge his short comings or inappropriate behavior.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to start a new life, heal from the pain of the past and move on. Don’t feed your anger, your helplessness. Redirect your negative energy into positive energy. Get things done. The only justice that exists is he has to live with himself. On some level he knows how pitiful he is. One day he will burn one too many bridges or rage one too many times, and he’ll find himself all alone. The thing that he fears the most will come true. That is the day you will have your justice. You just won’t be around to see it because you’ll be off somewhere enjoying your life.

  1. passive aggressive/narcissist divorce

    This is what you will have to contend with during the legal process of divorce/settlement
    The wrong tone of the correspondence;
    Failure to make full, frank and clear disclosure of documentation;
    Failure to carry out the procedure with minimum distress to the parties;
    Failure to act in a manner designed to promote as good a continuing relationship between the parties affected as is possible in the circumstances,
    Trial by correspondence, the raising of irrelevant issues to rack up costs and emotion or causing the other party to adopt a polarised or hostile position and so on.
    Top 10 points on how to deal with it:
    10, No contact
    9 No contact
    8, No contact
    7, No contact
    6, No contact
    5, No contact
    4, No contact
    3, No contact
    2, No contact
    1, NO CONTACT
    You are of no consequence to them, never have been really and you have committed the ultimate betrayal by leaving them. The two things they cannot cope with is not having an emotional object that they can manipulate and transfer their inadequacies onto (you) and being alone. These are your best weapons. Become indifferent to them as they are to you.
    I am 12 months down the line with a passive aggressive narcissist, tremendous emotional, financial and time costs- it has helped to keep a diary and to use this to release emotion

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  2. The only way to win the game is to quit playing. Count your blessings. Believe in Karma. Never give another ounce of your energy or a precious thought to this mad man. It will only fuel the fire. Every encounter adds fuel to the raging fire within him those who stay near the fire will get burned, run for the hills before the fire explodes. If you stay anywhere near you will continue to get burned. Sit far away watch the explosion or watch the fire slowly burn and die out giving it no fuel.

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  3. Please have faith, don’t give up. Your son is half you… Nobody will believe you, it feels like the world is against you, but I can offer hope. My kids are 16, 18, 19. I have battled for 8 yrs, ex trying to prove me crazy, unfit, at fault. I was fortunate enough to afford therapy.. The message was- to rise above. It’s not me causing the problem. It’s the way he (ex) is- he’s going to be that way with anyone he’s with. And please listen to this… THE KIDS KNOW. Without me bad mouthing or pity party or whatever we feel. They love me. They respect me. Stay consistent, rise above, do what you would as a parent regardless of the ex. Just mentally eliminate him. You got this. I believe us women who go for these men are a stronger type. Hang in there. Never underestimate yourself.

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  4. I believed in Jesus and God and asked them for help from the narcissist who targeted his son and ran him around the house, got him diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and conduct disorder by taking son to a twice-ethics violated (by law) psychiatrist and then taking the test himself. Narcissist matches those traits 90% if not 100%. Back and forth to court and crisis after dad generated crisis and the GAL believed the lies of the psychiatrist and took my son from me. The GAL and narcissist act like one and the same. It has been 10 months now! I had to sign away the house to get rid of the unethical psychiatrist and it still does not matter. Jesus and God have been prayed to, beseeched to, everything I can think of to have the heaven and earth powers, the universe help me. The truth does not matter, neither does drugging your son/client. Everyone cries about the poor dead baby or toddler when they are finally killed, yet no one cares until the death. The court sits there and does little with the abuser. What will happen if my son decides to kill his father one of these days, because “there is no aggression in my household” litany that spouts from his mouth and yet the four of us know better. The kids are just too scared to say anything. It helps when dad has told them apparently from day one that “it is your fault that this is happening to you” – a surprise I was exposed to one day when he did not think he had to hid it from me any longer. I

    I pray to Jesus and God every day and nothing seems to get done. You are the lucky one. My son may come out of this alive. If he does, he will be broken. All the drugs narc has put son on (because narc himself was put on drugs for ten years) have elicited OCD and other behaviors that no one else cares about. He never had them before the drugs in Spring of 2014. I pray for all of you. Please pray for me and my children.

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  5. Wow. You nailed it. How badly I wish I knew this before I left. My “perfect” husband did as you say, beyond your worst nightmare. The smear campaign was relentless for 5 years & 250k of attorney’s fees. He finally was forced to sign. It’s been 7 years & he still punishes me- through our children (who are 16, 18, 19.) Nobody would ever believe the extent of his wrath- he has not one ounce of empathy, even for his children. He is completely void. And you are so right about the attorney..3 years into the divorce my attorney said, “He still loves you”. My jaw hit the floor. He got her too! I said “Make no mistake- he would step over my dead body, kick me on the way over”. And he would… & all I did was leave him. Nothing more. Took nothing from the house. I was sleeping on the couch for 6 months prior & he never asked me why. These N people are straight up dangerous. They will ruin lives & it can be worse than you can ever imagine. Plan & NEVER underestimate what they will do. And nobody will believe you.

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  6. I stumbled accross your blog on Pinterest and I feel like you’re describing my last boyfriend. While it’s reassuring and vindicating to see that there are other men like this in the world, it also scares me that I was so close to marrying him. If a relationship like this can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. Thank you for writing about it. Women need to read this.

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  7. BEFORE DIVORCE, do not let on to your N that you are unhappy or plan to divorce. READ and UNDERSTAND completely the N personality and what they are capable of. READ about the smear campaign they will launch. BE PREPARED. ACCEPT that they will try EVERYTHING in their power and many other’s power to DESTROY YOU. Honestly, think of the absolute worst thing they can do to you and times it by 10,000! When you understand your enemy, you can neutralize them. Interview lawyers, ask them if they have ever dealt with the N personality, ask for examples, if they have not MOVE ON. We are rational normal people and have an extremely hard time believing that people can act so deplorably. THEY CAN and way worse then we ever thought possible.

    YOU CAN DO THIS, be prepared and don’t take the bait. They do not know how to concede and will NOT. Protect yourself and your children. DOCUMENT everything. You are worth it, and deserve OUT.

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  8. This is my experience
    He had spent less than 5% of the time caring for our children, but somehow won Expanded Standard Possession, just to keep them from me. The mediator and lawyers told me he was “not a bad enough dad.” I couldn’t prove the drug abuse and they did not care about the children’s emotions and upbringing, despite their dogmatic repetition of best interest of the children, the legal system’s mantra that means absolutely nothing. They actually defended him, even my lawyer and his paralegal.
    My heart and my feelings I cannot even speak of. All of that is gone. Crushed out. The names I have been called. The lies and sordid details too much to process.
    The sentiments above “I lost it all” “I don’t believe things happen for a reason” “I have to spend the rest of my life dealing with him” all resonate with me.
    I never knew the hell I was putting my foot into the day I started dating him. 14 years since that day. He was so charming, seemed so vulnerable and honest. He twisted me until I broke. I flinch every time I see he has sent an email. I never knew how strong I would have to be. To break and come back again and again.

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  9. I too am going through the process of divorce. My narcissist has custody of our 4 children. Despite having a parenting order in place that says I am allowed to see them, I have only been “allowed” to see my kids once in over 6 months. Do the courts care?
    He wants me to pay child support despite the fact that I am on disability for health reasons (mostly caused by his abuse). He earns over $70K a year. I get $300 a month, and he stil thinks I should be paying child support.
    He refuses to give me any of my possessions or even my family heirlooms. He will not let me have an photographs of my children. He will not even tell me how the kids are doing in school or what is in their report cards.
    When I called the house to speak to the kids (allowed by the courts), he lied to the police, told them I had breached a protection order and had me arrested…
    I could go on and on and on.
    It wears you down.
    The only thing I can do is keep my voice out there. To keep telling people how he was abusive to me.
    Yet he claims that he was abused by me!

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  10. I am going to file for divorce in two weeks. After 26 years I have finally had enough or have enough courage to leave him. I’m really scared. Reading these posts isn’t making it any easier.

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    • Get to know Jesus and trust Him. I’ve been separated for over a year and just filed for divorce last month. It’s been bad, but it could be worse. I’m reading the comments about how people have lost custody of their children. My N tried to scare me a few times with that too, he made false reports to CPS and filed a phony protective order, trying to get my two year old and two week old babies taken from me, claiming I was abusive to him! However, through these (and many other horrible things) God has been by my side, God made sure my children weren’t taken from me, as I type this, they are safe at home, with me and they will remain with me. I have to say it is Jesus Christ that is keeping me with peace, and keeping my children and I safe from all harm. God has been working everything out for our good, and He will continue to do so. Yes, narcissists are terrible, and they TRY to scare and harm us, but they will tuck their tail between their legs and run when you let them know you’re not scared of them and the Way, the Truth and the Light is at your side!

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  11. May … we ALL feel your pain and know what you are going through. Although I did not have to deal with a custody battle (thankfully!!) because my children were 18 and 21 at the time of the divorce, I DO know what you are dealing with regarding the lawyers! My ‘first’ lawyer sucked soooo bad I refused to use her services after the failed ‘mediation’ because I had already paid her $7,500 and all she did for that was to have my ‘ex’ served with the divorce papers and schedule the mediation appointment (it took 4 months to accomplish those two things!). When the mediation failed (after she made me feel like she was on my ‘ex Nars’ side for the mandatory 3 hours at the mediation)….she said we could continue the process after I paid her another $7,500!!! My second lawyer wasn’t much better and I will never use him again either! As far as I’m concerned, they are ALL lying, deceitful, thieving snakes. There is a HUGE possibility that all lawyers are Narcissists too because they have “politician blood’ and we know what kinds of jobs Narcissists are good at (high powered, attention seeking/lime light). My “ex’ did a fine job of attempting to destroy my ‘grown’ children’s minds but thankfully he finally showed his true colors to them and turned on them as well. All he wanted from them was for them to be ‘on his side….not mine’ to help assist him in his bad-mouthing me to everyone. He tried to ‘buy’ their love (he is very wealthy) and in the end blamed THEM by saying all he was to them was an “ATM machine” and that they suck….when he was the one who was throwing money and things at them to “win them over”. What a Narcisssistic move!!! The reason that all took place is because he and his new wife are so incredibly irresponsible with money/finances that it took them only a few years to squander ALL the money (he makes between $300,000-$600,000/year!!!) and he has lost everything (even his V.P. position that he was in with a company that he worked with for 11 years!….he even had to go into Rehab for alcohol/drug abuse!) Anyway, so when he didn’t have enough money or possessions to bribe the kids with any longer he cut them off and blamed THEM for being what he turned them into! I tell you this to give you hope that your “ex” may also do the same kind of things to show your kids what he truly is, some day. That’s all we, the survivors, can really hope for in regards to the children that we share with a Narcissist. They have to see and experience the lying, deceitful, manipulative ways for themselves in order to know they do not matter to the Narcissist and are only used to benefit him in some way, and nothing to do with love! I’m so sorry you are going through all of this and just know that all of us are here for you….we will listen and give you as many answers as we can, as often as you need them!

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  12. I am in the process of divorcing my narc right now. He won temporary custody of our 3 boys, even though I was a stay at home mom for 4.5 years prior to leaving him. My lawyer sucks, his lawyer is as much a snake as he is. I am so angry and lost and don’t even know where to begin. I wish I could make the judge SEE who he is. He will destroy my children before I get a chance to get their innocence back.

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  13. A lot of flashbacks are coming to me all at once while reading this. My ex-husband is doing the exact same thing as described. I don’t even care about property and fighting him. I just want to grab my children and run away. I can’t even divorce him quick enough to get him out of my life. Reading this is givig a glimmer of hope that there will be an end to this one day. Thank you for sharing. I’m in the process of trying to heal. There’s been so many years of emotional, financial and physicak abuse ftom my narcissist husband that’s caused a lot of buildup of hate abd anger towards him. I don’t like the person that I’ve become. In our court documents, not once has he shown any remorse. In his eyes, he’s the victim. It’s truly sadm. I’m just over the fighing. Now, I just wabt to move on. Again, thanks for sharing.

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  14. I can’t believe I found this. I never married my narcissist, but I had a child with him. This means I am forever stuck with this horrible, insane, violent person. It took me 3 years to leave him with our son, and I pay for that every day. I got a restraining order, but that hasn’t stopped him from stalking me. He made friends with my landlord,unbeknownst to me, and my landlord started to harass me. I had to leave in the dark of night and stay in a vacation rental until I could find a new place to live. He hired a PI to follow me all over town. When it was Thanksgiving and he didn’t want my son to spend the holiday with me and our large extended family, he hired a private security guard to pose as a cop and order the preschool to hand over our son to his mother; and she is just as disturbed as him. He has lost 3 jobs in 5 years, has never once paid for anything our son needs. We had a custody evaluation, by the way I would never in a million years recommend anybody do that, and he manipulated the hell out of them. I am too angry to facilitate a relationship between our son and him. He is a horrible alcoholic, but he accuses me of that. The police are I think still part of the flat earth society, because I never get any help from them. My lawyer I think is not really prepared for the caliber of crazy, and I am constantly on the defensive when you would think any rational person would see the situation for what it is. I have no idea where he gets his money, I have spent $75,000 on legal fees trying to keep my child. I have a decent job, but pay for our sons insurance, school, etc without any help from him. He, as I mentioned, is unemployable. I would love to just walk away, but I can not under any circumstances leave my son with this freak. My son has told his therapist his dad is mean to him, he hits him, he doesn’t want to go to his house. Our custody evaluators didn’t believe him after 4 interviews and he couldn’t give dates and times. He is 5 yrs old. I now have to pay someone else to evaluate the evaluation but I don’t know when that might be because he won’t sign the release. Then I have to pay to take him to court AGAIN to make him sign it. I know there is nothing anyone can do, but I am just grateful to have found this forum full of people that understand.

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  15. Thank you so.much for this article and as a fellow victim of a narcissist, my heart goes out to you. Unless you have been in an intimate relationship and worse, tried to divorce one of these emotional vampires, you cannot understand the immense and soul wrenching pain they cause. It is unbelievable to me that I spent 22 years and once gave my whole heart, to the monster I am divorcing now. He has done everything under the sun to just destroy me. With a narc there is no sense of fairness , of compassion, or compromise. You dared to defy them and so they must RUIN tou. And they will use anything and everything available to them, to try and do so. He had used our child as a bargaining pawn, brought totally false accusations against me and the family.court system as you say, is set up to believe liars. His emotional.abuse extends to our child but that type of abuse is very difficult to prove and so I am left feeling powerless to protect.my child. The best I can hope for is that as she grows older, I will somehow find a way to empower her to stand up to her father and recognize his abuse of her. The out tragic thing is that narc parents have such control.over their children. A child is simply.not equipped to recognize the abuse, and they believe their father when their father tells them they are worthless. Again? The best I can do is try to empower her but that is very hard when her narc father will not agree to counseling for her, or when he wages accusations of “parental alienation” against me with the court, when I simply try to validate my child that his behavior towards her is unacceptable. How do you allow a child to stand up for herself against an abusive father if when you do so, he accuses you of alienating the child against him, and the courts are set up to believe him?? Its a nightmare. And it doesn’t even matter that our daughter has said she wants to live with me, because again he will just say I have influenced her. So her voice is effectively stifled.
    Narcissists are literally DESTROYERS. They have no conscience and no feelings. They will fight dirtier than you can imagine and the years of loyalty and love you gave them mean NOTHING to them, once they feel you have wronged them.
    I am slowly learning to disengage, and get away. The reality is though that I will have to deal with him on some level, for years to come, because we have a child together. But your advice is SO wise. I cannot allow the anger, fear and hatred to eat me up anymore. It doesn’t hurt him that I hate him, it only fuels his desire to destroy and punish. I must let go and seek joy for.myself.and my.child as much as I can. I must be strong for her, so that she can eventually.learn as I did, what and who he is and how to escape his control and manipulation.

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  16. Thank you. This helped. My situation is almost identical. Thank God I do not have children in this marriage to worry about. That was the first marriage. My tolerance has diminished, I am discovering the pattern here. I just want to know how to heal and recover so that I am never attracted to one of these life sucking men, in my case, again. I want to use this for positive, and help others. If you have tips on healing let me know. I thank God, again,I journaled for the past 5 years while married to number 2. It saved my life and conquered the delusional thinking that “He was a nice guy.” I had to go back and read those though which after educating myself about manipulators. It is enough to make me sick, however it gave me strength and took away the ability to deny the abuse.
    Thank-you again for helping me to see reality and look forward to a peaceful future.

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  17. Yes ma’am, that is INDEED a great Karma story and so very much like mine!!! It’s funny, because I replaced my wedding ring with a silver Karma ring and I also wear a silver Karma bracelet. I have two glass ‘sun catchers’ designed in the Karma symbol in my windows in my home and I have the Karma symbol tatooed on my back (with the actual words, that make up the symbol: “What goes around, comes around”), and somtimes I wonder if all of that, did indeed, help in some way! It makes me feel better to think it has, anyway. Thanks for sharing your story and I hope there are many more stories out there for everyone who has suffered the consequences of being with a Narcissist.

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  18. Being 7 years+ beyond the Settlement Agreement that finally achieved freedom from a world class narcissist (a really powerful man at the top of our society’s war machine), I have a little wisdom to share about trying to protect any joint assets that are needed to take care of your children.
    If not solely under your control at the beginning of a divorce, a narcissistic sociopath will NEVER relinquish control. What assets are solely under your contol, in your name only, a narcissistic sociopath will NEVER stop using the courts to try and gain control of the value they have. All terms of your divorce decree will be manipulated to relieve the narcissist from all economic responsibility, past, present and future. Your complete financial and emotional (and sometimes physical) destruction is the only event that will satisfy their tortured self esteem. If your goal is to protect the financial wellfare of your children, then you will have to own/solely control the home (and mortgage, hopefully you don’t have one), college funds, and necessary income to support them. You will have to go to court endlessly, even after the children are post college adults, to protect your rights to keep the terms and value of what you got in the settlement. That is the price! They will never honor the terms of the divorce (9 out of 10 do not, isn’t that a statement about America), and the civil/family courts will not enforce your rights, because the loopholes are built in, and is more lucrative if they don’t. Your only other option is to have nothing to attack, or give your children, and even then, your destruction is what they desire, so you will still be persecuted by proxy through legal action, if possible. So, do defend yourself, try not to dispare about the financial cost, understand the enemy, keep your moral values, take good care of yourself (the children need you healthy!), lean on those who truly love you, and put everything you can’t control in God’s hands! It will be what it will be!!! This life is not your forever home, just a test of your loving spirit!
    Re: The Wisdom I Shared to another:-)
    It is difficult to see this pattern when you come from a family that operates in a truly loving, giving pattern. You can call it “naive” if you like, but this is a learning experience that has created more wisdom, not an experience to be labeled in a degrading way (just how the narcissistic individual propagates dysfunction, i.e. the fault is “yours”).
    Go to those you know truly love you, those who are safe, who helped to nurture your creative, purpousful soul. From that place, gain the strength from their support. You must begin a new phase of life to persue the “wholeness”, the holy we all seek. Do be polite to your “ex”, but understand, if you engage in any way (like divorce), a narcissist will always declare war. It will be war on every level, and it may be inevitable! Stay inside YOUR morals, rely on those sacred relationships that define you. What ever comes at you, remember that you are Gods Love In Action in this space and time! Let your children observe your love and commitment, and never denigrate your narcissist or your mistakes. Let them just experience the actions of you both, let them feel the truth, and if they ask, or are suffering, explain to them, in the kindest of ways, what you have learned in this article. They will learn to give their father the compassion he needs to grow without feeling they are being victimized. God bless!

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  19. I married a man ( I was his third wife) after dating him off/on for 5 yrs. I knew something was a little “off” about him… Very self centered/shallow and cheap but I was taken by his energy, his extroverted personality and sense of ” youthful fun”… Because I knew it was a crapshoot, I determined to keep my finances separate ( didn’t have much but they were mine) and let my daughter live in my house in case I needed to escape. I was that nervous about it but forged ahead. I was a happy person – hopeful – and excited to be married in 2011.. Fast forward to 2014 Oct. During these three years, I have been isolated, verbally abused, expected to pay my own way along with buying HIM food when I only brought home 1500/mo net and on social security while HE made l00k. I witnessed my first “rage” attack last week. He threatened to smash in my face, dump me 5 hrs away from home with no money and told to take a bus, and that the locks would be changed the following Monday as I had better find another place to live. What set him off? We agreed to bbq. He only wanted to cook chicken. I suggested cooking other things for the week. He flew into a rage like I’ve never seen. Just when things were going really badlly… they got worse. In August, he drove to Texas from Chicago to work at a chemical plant. Gone 6 wks. Told me he was working 12 hrs a day – 7 days a week. He managed to find himself a GIRLFRIEND who I only found about yesterday when I discovered a receipt for FLOWERS? Signed them LOVE…. It was a HUG Bouquet?? My heart started pounding…. the anger/shock was more than I could stand and got him on the phone ( I had left after the rage episode)…. told him I was filing for divorce…. While he was in Texas.. I was recovering from surgery… Did ANY of his family call to wish me well? NONE.. He had turned them all against me. And we lived down the block!! Hadn’t seen them in over a year.
    I have wasted 8 yrs on a man who I knew was a bad risk — I thought I could make the difference and make HIM a happy man.. What happened to me?? I turned into a shell of a person. Sad, lonely, isolated, afraid,ignored, disrespected, and cheated. Is that a life?

    I agree. Take your self esteem, your self respect, your soul………. and LEAVE.. You can be happy.. THEY WILL NEVER BE HAPPY. TO them- it’s about winning, greed, and appearances/control.

    The last thing I said to my husband yesterday… I will not sell my soul to any Devil… NOT EVEN YOU.. I felt my power come back — the life come back into me… the hope returned that I would be fine and happy again. I am 65 yrs old — Only asked for a man to love me. I married a monster – who, to the outside World is a GREAT GUY!!! Puts on a good show for everyone.. and makes me out to be the crazy one.. If you meet a person who says all their exs are crazy?? RUN. You will be NEXT. Now you know how to recognize the signs of a narcissist.. If’ it’s all about THEM and YOU don’t matter?? Pay attention. Good luck to all. There is a beautiful World out there — get out and enjoy it… Come out from under that dark cloud of gloom/doom/negativity and ENJOY your life!!!!!! You CAN DO IT!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Loving Myself and Son

    Newly Divorced!!!! I week tomorrow!!!,!!!!…..Yes I got out with my son and no visitation rights at the moment. My narc did a smearing campaign, belittled me, verbal and physically abused me. I had him arrested which violated his probation! He is currently incarcerated and I have a restraining order so he vacant call and harass me from jail! I thank God I made the right choice to free myself from him. I’m praying he stays away from my son when he gets out! He was the most evil person I’ve ever encountered. My life was a living he’ll daily. He robbed me of everything. I am currently rebuilding me life. Praise God

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Does anyone else have any successful Karma stories they would like to share? It’s a good feeling when we know that Karma does and can work for us!

    Like

    • I have a great karma story for everyone.. My soon to be ex was a garden variety narcissist so I don’t have to tell all of you what a scumbag he is. I discovered he was cheating last week — and said I wanted a divorce. This was all I needed to push me over the top because I could not let go. THIS made it MUCH easier for me.. Cheating was the ultimate deal breaker) once he agreed to marry. After telling him I was moving out — his Mom passed away, suddenly ( HUGE narcissist loss) — I tell him I’m leaving ( 2nd narcissist lost).. he has lost his current contract job ( THIRD narcissistic loss), is going broke… spending more than he earns.. and has realized he can’t afford to race his l00,000 race car any longer so has to sell it ( FOURTH narcissistic loss).. But the ULTIMATE slam?? Since his Mother died – his deadbeat 50+ yr old brother has to MOVE IN WITH MY HUSBAND… who he despises.. Has not worked in FIFTEEN YEARS and was mooching off his 86 yr old Mother!!! ……

      Is this KARMA?? What is so fabulous about this.. and, yes, I will admit I have been known to be extremely vindictive.. but more in control of my anger now…. is that I get to see this FIRSTHAND, CLOSEUP, and watch him crumble before my eyes. NOT to mention.. he’s 62 yrs old now and his stud muffin image is fading with his health getting bad. OH DEAR.
      KARMA KARMA KARMA is truly a BITCH.

      Liked by 1 person

  22. OMG, you just described my life.

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  23. To all the men out there…yes, women are Narcissists too. The mother of one of my childhood friends was a Narcissist. I realized this after I discovered Narcissism. As a child and teenager I knew there was something VERY wrong with that woman and she was evil and I wanted nothing to do with her. Her ‘charm’ did not fool me. Unfortunately, I was not able to see the ‘charm trickery’ facade when I met my ‘ex-Narcissist’. However, in my defense, we were young (he was actually 6.5 years younger than me) at the time and he had not yet evolved into the full-blown Narcissist that he is today. I know the ‘exact’ time when he was given his first real ‘Narcissistic supply’ ammunition (and that’s the exact time he began adding to his arsenal)…it was his first job being hired as a “Sales Representative” for a computer company and because he had the natural instinct of ‘charm and charisma’ and the gift of gab and sounding like he knows everything about everything, he was labeled as “The Golden Boy” for that company…and that’s all it took. I can now go back and research the memories of my mind of each year after that and determine how much more he changed over the years (for the worse) and how his arsenal continued to grow. The cheating was from the beginning (I later found out….from an actual ex-girlfriend that he cheated with…..she broke up with him a few months before we met and his Narcissist self could NOT rest easy until he ‘got her back’ (after 20 years!!!) so he could then break things off with her!! She was devastated so she gladly told me everything that went on between them during the affair. He had led her to believe they would each leave their spouses and be together…and when I found out about her he broke it off with her and poured on the charm with me to stay in the marriage…I was a fool to stay). After our divorce he felt the need to then tell me that he had slept with my sister (that was 8 years into the marriage, we were married 23 years)…when a person crosses THAT line and is THAT despicable it is more than apparent that Narcissism exists within that person. I actually discovered several of his other affairs as well, but if I had to guess I would say he cheated on me every chance he got during the 23 year marriage. He traveled for his job (computer sales) and was away from home 3-4 nights a week. He was an alcoholic so meeting women in the bars, after work hours and being out of town, was the PERFECT combination for him!!! He made sure that he had a vastectomy after our second child was born….sure didn’t need THAT to cramp his style! I have actually been fortunate enough to see Karma in action however. His NEW life has not been the happy-ever-after fairytale that he thought it would be. After he thought it was necessary to spend $100,000 on a wedding and $50,000+ on Invetro-Fertilization treatments to produce a set of expensive twins: he has been in trouble with the IRS ($50,000+ unpaid taxes), he has had the two properties that he was awarded in the divorce go into foreclosure (total balances of $750,000), he was fired from a VP-position of a company that he had worked with for 11 years (and then again with the next job he got after that), he lost his precious yacht in a law-suit, he has at least 12 accounts that have gone into collections (his credit score is RUINED), he went into rehab last year while on severance pay (alcohol & pills)…. and I was finally able to garnish his bank account for $50,000 for back alimony that he refused to pay for a period of 12 months and I’m again garnishing his wages every month for alimony for the rest of his life (that $50,000 was from cashing in his 401-K from his employment (4 yrs) after the divorce, because he is UNABLE to save money….it’s always about SPENDING, SPENDING, SPENDING to him)…all the while he makes any where from $300,000-$600,000/year!!!!! He is so financially irresponsible (and his new wife is obviously no better at it….guess who kept things straight in OUR marriage???). For his second wife he chose the younger variety (she is 20 years younger than me!!) but apparently got an idiot with the trade as well!! When the new wife found out the hard way about the bank garnishment (her debit card was denied!!) she called MY attorney frantically crying and trying to convince him to give the money back….cause she is a good Catholic girl and deserves it (yeah right, having an affair with a married man falls somewhere in Catholism as ‘a good girl’, right???). She truly thought that begging for the money back would work for her! As you all know, I could truly write a novel (much bigger than I’ve already done here…hehehe) but the more we can connect with another persons story so we can realize we are NOT alone, the better! I hope all of you will get to see Karma in action and get some pleasure from it, just as I have! Even though he continues to taunt me and I know it will never end, at least I know he’s not any happier or better off now than he was with me….and he never will be!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Although my divorce was finalized in March, my ex is refusing to do the only thing stipulated in our decree. That simple thing being to file taxes. Our tax return has been prepared, I’ve signed it, and the only thing keeping me from finally breaking free is his signature. Guess what? He’s refusing to sign. Can the court, IRS, or any lawyer make him comply? Of course not, and the narc knows this. I fired my lawyer who was totally overwhelmed by the crazy, and have decided to sit back and watch him self destruct. He is currently paying a lawyer to fight himself. His opponent is gone, and because he is so accustomed to the drama and the conflict, he is in the process of destroying himself. The contempt motion I was forced to file just to get his tax info in conjunction with the fact that I was forced to file for innocent spouse relief make him unemployable should he try to change jobs. These men will never stop because they can’t. If you have broken away from this sickness you are a SURVIVOR. The victim inside of you ceased to exist when you left. Think about how much stronger you are now then when you first met them. This strength came at a price, but we are lucky and blessed to have gotten it. Our futures are amazingly bright, because we can literally get through anything. Leaving the crazy will probably be the most defining moment of our lives. I left my narc with the clothes on my back. I got an email telling me the locks were changed on my home and that he was filing. I was actually in a hospice watching my dad die from lung cancer when I received it. I’m sure he takes pride in that email, and probably thinks it resulted in the worst day of my entire life. He didn’t acknowledge the fact that my dad passed away, but did have his lawyer send me a list of my dad’s things that he thought he was entitled to. Shortly after, I found a couple of his online dating profiles that had been active for quite some time. His profile picture was one of him I took on our honeymoon. I’m happy, I’m healthy, and I am the strongest person I know. He on the other hand is stuck with the misery and shame that will only get worse each and every day.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Thank you for sharing. I felt as if you were describing my life. And thank you for letting me know I’m not alone. Best of luck to you!!!

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  26. You have never written truer words. Our roles were reversed. I was the stay at home Mom and we owned the company. I put him through medical school and he left me for his 22 year old assistant. He hid money, transferred assets and duped everyone, $185,000 in attorney fees and I got the bare minimum. He proved our practices were worth nothing. Three weeks after the divorce he sold them for a million dollars. He makes my life hell weekly. Our middle son is a narcissist too and I fight for him daily. God help us all!

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  27. whereismyfoot

    I lost everything. These sites–all except this–say prepare. I did, he still got everything, hid all of his money, my lawyers all bought into his charm, he got the perfect house he was going to get with me, after I left, with the other woman, I had to put my things in storage and move in with my elderly narcissistic father. I have nothing. I lost hope. I lost health. I lost hope. He is successful and handsome and hated me for not making money, I
    had just lost my mother and had cancer but should have recovered better while he was hating me, most women say the narc takes their money but he was the successful one. He cheated me out of everything. I was humiliated and betrayed. I have no family, no friends, I am sick and threadbare and after two years of losing my life in the court system after his abuse and getting only more discard, I have no hope. I hate hearing about “preparing” I did everything humanly possible while I was traumatized, I thought I was fighting for my life but minute by minute he won, i can’t tell you the legal nightmare, no one would believe it, I’m too tired to fight so I stopped, it’s over, I can’t get out of bed, I had no more money to fight for the money he he hid…he pushed and pushed until I broke and the day I did he moved into his new house and my lawyers didn’t believe me, didn’t care, and I have nothing. He is laughing alll of the way into his success and his twenty year old new thrill, or his porn, and his beautiful house, he never wanted to live anywhere nice with me–all I wanted was family and home, he got it the second I gave up, I couldn’t eat anymore, I had to stop, he hid so much for so long, I’m so stupid, his whole family, they all knew. I hate feeling like I should have known better. I hate myself. I have never been so dead inside, it will be my third Christmas alone, every day I’m alone, I don’t care, I wish he’d moved further away, I just found out about the house, he hid it from me, it was worse than I ever thought— he had me almost believing he was “just going to find some studio apt” — it was the dream house we planned for “when he made enough money” that he was ready hiding. I wanted to work again, I swear he sabotaged any effort then punished me for it…I wanted “us” I can’t believe he bought this house, my lawyer almost fought for him more than me, didn’t believe what I said about him, I couldn’t change by that time—3rd lawyer, his lawyer- if I’d only had her. He had the money to fight and keep fighting until the bitter end and no one called his bluff and two days after I sign he buys a 2 million dollar house and I’m on disability and storage. I thought I planned. I lost all of my physical strength, I can’t even attend to the details of the divorce, things I could always do, I ask for help but nothing comes out of my mouth, I want to die. I’ve done therapy, I know to call 911, that’s why I can’t write or call, no one can deal with this despair for so long, I don’t believe things happen for a reason, I believe nothing anymore, I lost all faith, I lost myself.

    Like

    • This is for whereismyfoot; You are not alone! Every woman who walked onto God’s Alter and gave their life to a narcissist, did so because they truly did not know them! This is the majority of women in the United States, you are one with me, and almost every woman I know!! I am far down this road, and if you stay his victim, you are giving him exactly what he truly desired, your destruction. Don’t focus on the material cost of freeing yourself from evil and pain he was inflicting on you. You must love yourself enough to be Gods Love In Action in the moment that you are living in this life. Remember the child of God you are! In moments of despair (which is grieving the loss of your dream life), look to God’s creations, the sky, trees, and blessed elemental life. Breath deeply, and pray for a calm and peaceful soul. Relish the wisdom you’ve gained, start a new financial life (as if the old one never existed, like an 18 year old). It’s only money, it has no value outside of man’s fallen world! Try to love life, without consideration to any benefit for yourself. This is a long journey to wholeness,i.e. holiness. You can not see the way, I can not see the way, put it in God’s hands. She knows the way! Keep love in focus, first for yourself, and then for all life around you. It does get better! Do not continue to engage in relationships with anyone that does not truly have your best interest at heart, focus on getting on your feet, and join a group that is truly supportive (and free). I truly believe that any self medicating, which includes anti-depressants is very detrimental to your successful recovery from this grieving process. When you are on your way to recovery, beginning to see the good in life, do not couple yourself to someone that you don’t truly know. To truly know another human takes 3 years! Three years of days, nights, holidays with relatives, ups, downs and in betweens. Nobody can hide who they truly are for three years! Evaluate your need to be loved and listen to your “gut”, that little voice that causes you to hesitate, before you justify an unhealthy choice. That is your guiding light, your guardian…listen! I’ve been down this road, it is rough, full of potholes, and endless distractions from reality. Just stay focused on the goodness and love you have to give. You may save another woman’s life in the future, I did, and it was the best reward I could have ever received! Love, Vicki

      Liked by 1 person

    • Do not do this to yourself google Sonia Riccotti Unbreakable and listen and work through what she says. What is is keeping you stuck is the thoughts you are having around what has happened..
      Einstein was judged slow – didn’t speak until.he was 4 or read until he was 7. Oprah was fired because she wasn’t right for tv and Michael Jordan was cut from the basketball team. This does not have to define you….the past is the past, the future hasn’t happened the only tine that is important in NOW! Do not allow him to make you a victim…choose to be the hero. Read up on rebuilding create positive friendships around you…learn gratitude. Being negative will only attract more negativity…everytime you look back you are looking at a locked bolted door that you can never open…use visualisation of that door 🚪 to stop yourself…reprogramme your negative thoughts…keep a gratitude journey 3 new things everyday and enjoy the small things…the sun on your face, the compassion of friends. You will get there I promise xoxoxo

      Like

  28. whereismyfoot

    I lost everything. These sites–all except this–say prepare. I did, he still got everything, hid all of his money, my lawyers all bought into his charm, he got the perfect house he was going to get with me, after I left, with the other woman, I had to put my things in storage and move in with my elderly narcissistic father. I have nothing. I lost hope. I lost health. I lost hope. He is successful and handsome and hated me for not making money, I
    had just lost my mother and had cancer but should have recovered better while he was hating me, most women say the narc takes their money but he was the successful one. He cheated me out of everything. I was humiliated and betrayed. I have no family, no friends, I am sick and threadbare and after two years of losing my life in the court system after his abuse and getting only discard, I have no hope. I hate hearing about “preparing” I did everything humanly possible while I was traumatized, I thought I was fighting for my life but minute by minute he won, i can’t tell you the legal nightmare, no one would believe it, I’m too tired to fight so I stopped, it’s over, I can’t get out of bed, I had no more money to fight for the money he he hid…he pushed and pushed until I broke and the day I did he moved into his new house and my lawyers didn’t believe me, didn’t care, and I have nothing. He is laughing alll of the way into his success and his twenty year old and his beautiful house, he never wanted to live anywhere nice with me–all I wanted was family and home, he got it the second I gave up, I couldn’t eat anymore, I had to stop, he hid so much for so long, I’m so stupid, his whole family, they all knew. I hate feeling like I should have known better. I hate myself. I have never been so dead inside, it will be my third Christmas alone, every day I’m alone, I don’t care, I wish he’d moved further away, I just found out about the house, he’d hidden it from me. I planned, I thought I planned. I lost all of my strength, everything.

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  29. Wow nicely put the ending paragraph. I wish you all the best and send you good energy so you can leave all this in the past as soon as possible. Much love!

    Like

  30. literaryparlour

    Hi there.

    I am thinking deeply while I write my response to what you have written here about your situation. First of all my own heart really goes out to you and your children. Second of all I want to say I admire your strength, wisdom, tenacity, resilience, beautiful, kind and giving heart. I also want to say I CARE.

    The whole system is exactly that, a system. It does not work for the people. Many systems no longer work for the people. In my heart I really wish I had the magic answer for you to be able to remove yourself from this evil scum forever but I don’t have that answer sadly.

    I hope dearly that one day this whole matter particularly him is exposed. Is there a way to expose him for whom he really is. Do you have people that actually do support you? I do believe everything you say, what I find so hard to accept is that no one is listening to you or caring. How really unfair and unjust.

    Im just so sorry. Thank you for putting your time, effort, wisdom into a beautiful webpage and also your facebook page.

    God bless your beautiful soul now and forevermore. ❤ hugs

    Jasper

    Like

  31. It’s hard to just start a new life when she’s got the kids but it might be worth it if she wins custody.

    Like

  32. Such a great posting! I’ve found that the best way to get out of relationships with a narcissist, is to cut them off. Don’t answer calls, emails, texts, etc. You have to ignore them at all costs! Giving them ANY response contributes to their feeling that they still have power over you. Obviously, this is a lot harder if you have children with the narcissist, but that’s what attorney’s are for! To end all contact between the two individuals. Use that to your advantage! I worked in a family law office for several years, and if you have a good lawyer, they’re willing to deal with the narcissist on your behalf. However, if you can cut the narcissist from your life completely, DO IT! It’s the only way to experience true freedom from the situation.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Stephanie reiter

    What an extraordinary blog. You Have described my life. I an also a Jewish woman. My x shows no remorse has tried every trick in the book. Your story is my story. Thx for the advise I just have to take it

    Like

  34. I was married to a narcissist for 15 years. Fit the bill of rushing me into marrying and then I stayed confused – why he got mad about little things and… well, you guys know how this goes. Verbal abuse, physical abuse, me feeling like I was the cause and incapable of living on my own because he’d made so many comments about my being stupid, dumbazz, etc.

    I divorced and fought for custody because I was afraid of abuse – he DID treat her like a little adult, not understanding when she couldn’t be quiet for long periods while he worked from home, etc. would smash her toys in a fit of rage. We started out 50/50 but I could see this wasn’t good for her and filed for primary custody. He was so blind to his ridiculous expectations, he actually told the judge our then 5-year-old didn’t need much sleep when I complained he was letting her stay up past 11 and not getting her to kindergarten on time. I was awarded primary custody and I took her to a LCSW to help me explain the divorce, parent better, etc. Little did I know later this would help tremendously by showing I had an interest in being a better parent and set a track record of my parenting skill set for the next round 5 years later.

    During this time he called social services on me many times, had police check on her well being…then he took her from me at age 10, had been conducting a campaign of alienation ever so subtly the last couple years (and here I thought I was taking the high road by never speaking ill of him), kept her from me for a month (which had started as a week of summer vacation time) until she was terrified of coming home, said she hated me, never wanted to see me. He filed for emergency temporary custody citing he fear, that I abused her, I was unfit.. another DSS visit as well.

    I was fortunate. My attorney’s newest addition to her staff had previously worked at Council for Children’s Rights. My attorney warned me that asking for a Guardian ad Litem COULD backfire. No, I KNEW I was the better parent and had no reason to fear their recommendation to the court. I also knew something was wrong with him. I’d never heard of Narcissism. But I asked my attorney to petition the court for a psychological evaluation for parental fitness. Again, I was warned this could backfire. NO, I’m NOT crazy, I want this. He said he would if I would. Fine, I was assessed as well.

    For 8 months he went to the court-appointed psychologist, I went, our daughter had to go four times alone, twice taken by each parent (to avoid coaching) and each attend two sessions with our daughter, and I had to participate in a session with him. Finally she said she didn’t need to meet with either of us any more. A couple weeks later the 40-page report and recommendation came. He was diagnosed with “severe narcissistic disorder so severe that even with long term, intensive therapy there is unlikely to be any improvement” along with her observations of his permissive parenting style and her observations of my parenting style and my character traits that had contributed to the dynamics of the relationship (disliking conflict, etc).

    In the end, a LCSW, Guardian ad Litem and his custody advocate, the psychologist’s report and DSS (who ruled EVERY TIME they investigated me that it was obviously an attempt to gain a “leg up” at custody and all accusations were unfounded) all made recommendations that our daughter have limited contact with him, I have full legal and physical custody and the judge asked us to come up with a parallel parenting plan that the judge then approved. He ended up with half the visitation he had before, limited telephone access, limited time at her school (he was going to lunch nearly every day), and it took 3 years to get her ‘back’ fully.

    My point is this – a psychological evaluation saved me. I read that report and a lightbulb went on. Oh my gosh, I’m NOT crazy, I’m NOT stupid, It WASN’T me… I could finally name the demon and I had closure. AND I had ammunition.

    USE this. Petition the courts, make the NPD person have to see someone and have it professionally diagnosed. A good judge, if not familiar with the diagnosis, will research it and learn to gain insight into your case. The diagnosis was invaluable.

    Liked by 1 person

  35. I am divorcing a narscassit right now and we have a small baby. We have been married under a year and throughout our relationship he has continued to provoke me into angry behavior because of him continuously not respecting my boundaries. Then turns on me and says im crazy. We have been serparated for a month and a half now and I have been living at my parents with my daughter. Hes been constantly pushing issues about talking about our relationship and getting back together. I have not taken the bait nor responded to any of these communications but when he picked our daughter up yesterday to see her, he provoked me into a fight and yes, I took the bait. Come to find out he was recording me. I am devestated. Now I am worried what else he is trying to construct about me. I am fearing he will try and take our daughter away from me eventhough I am an EXCELLENT mother. I do the majority of the caring for her in the sane – I make her food, doctors appts, and am the one aware of developmental steps she should be taking right now. He has tried to suggest that I had post partum, which is not true. Our last fight, he said awful mean things to me, i tried to leave and he restrained me, i bit him to get away and he has taken pictures of it saying im the crazy one. i am afraid he is trying to string all of this together to make me look unstable. Thoughts?

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  36. This happens to men too, they just don’t talk about it as much because of the stigma attached to it. As a man I have experienced all of these symptoms and I have struggled while I was in that situation and after I was discarded. She said I made her that way. It was not just my ex wife but my children as well. I felt responsible for not making it work. People would just say let it go or you have issues or well you made choices. When I started to take it apart and discovered all the lies I realized I never could’ve won in that situation and those were all her choices and her issues. The real breakthrough came when I started putting the responsibility back on them. I still have flashes of anger when I think about it but not as much as before. I could care less about them now and never want to see any of them again because I know where that path leads. I’ll never get married or have children again because the legal system used my children to keep me trapped in that situation and gave her the tools to drag me back into her drama. I’m not bitter just a lot wiser and it is easier to avoid trouble than to get out of it. Life is too short to take those kinds of risks.

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  37. I am paralyzed emotionally at the moment by my narc. I feel it’s all I can do to get thru the day. All I want to do is scream. Let me out. I want a new life for me & my kids. What do I do?

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  38. My narcissist husband of 4 years physically abused me for the last time 2 weeks ago.
    For our entire marriage I paid all the bills, while he sat in the bars night after night. The last year of our marriage was a nightmare! I am a teacher and worked a part time job as he sat in the bars buying other women drinks. The last 6 months of the marriage he came home late every night and started verbally abusing me. He even dumped the laundry on my head, because I didn’t have it folded. The next night I made sure it was folded, and he still dumped it on my head. I was only a roof over his head while he spent his money partying and entertaining other women. Two years ago we filed for divorce, but he talked me out of it, promising he would change. I FELL FOR IT! This was after he had a girlfriend for 7 months. I know…Stupid huh? Two weeks ago he came home drunk and was angry because I had locked the back door, which I always do. I was on the couch lounging and when he started ranting and raving, I asked him what was wrong. He hit me in my face. Needless to say, things got very bad. I thought he was going to kill me. I could only pray that he would loosen his grip on me, so I could make a quick get away….he had taken my phone, so I couldn’t call the cops. As soon as he loosened his grip, I ran to the neighbors house with bare feet and pajamas on. They called the cops,and my husband was taken to jail for domestic battery. I pressed charges and I will not let up. I filed for divorce! All he wanted was a few thousand dollars in a marital settlement. I gladly gave it to him, and he signed the papers. I will be divorced on January 9th. I am so relieved to get out of this nightmare. I don’t have to sleep with one eye open. It is a GREAT feeling. If you are with a narcissist, GET OUT QUICKLY! They do not change! It is time to start taking care of myself, and not him! YIPPEE!

    Liked by 1 person

  39. I am divorcing a narcissist. He is an awful person. I have three beautiful children and cn’t figure out what to do. I have recently been diagnosised with multiple chemical sensitivity and electromagnetic sensitivity. Both have been very difficult to deal with. Priorto me becoming ill–therelationship was pretty much even. He tried hard to push me down–but he couldn’t do it. Then I became ill and he saw this as his chance to destroy me. The illnesses that I have are not really accepted right now. MCS is more known but the electrosensitivity isn’t well known in the U.S. It is an emerging heatlh issue. When I told m,y spouse aobut it, he said he understood and wanted to help. However, it was at thatt very time that he b\egan to set me up for this divorce. He began keeping a file on me. He took pictures of dirty dishes on the table, laundry in the laundry room, and made notes about my conditions. I have to sleep in a faraday canopy to protect me from ambient radiation. I don’t have any psychological issues–just biological one. I have burning in my mucosa, metallic taste in my mouth, stabbing headaches and heart palpations when exposed to things like a cell phone, wireless computer, or wifi. My husband has made it his mission to have people see me as mental. He was given the gift of me having this illness and he is using it against me in ways that I never thought possible. He is a fake and afraud–but very successful at his job.
    We had a house that was almost paid for and then he had us move to this half million dollar home. All the timetht we were building it–he was having an affair with his assistant (14 years younger than he). Now we live in a hust that I can never afford to keep–but he can! We live in an area wher I will be hard pressed to find a place to live. My illnesses really prevent me from working so I’m not sure what I will do. The worst thing in the world though is I’m fearful about what will happen to my chidlren.
    He never really spent much time with them–except in public–like coaching their teams. However, he provbides no real support, genuine love, or empathy to them. Since the divorce was files–he has become super dad though. He sits and talks withthem, takes them places, watches cartoons with them. I am so very scared becasue I know that he did a similar thing to me when we met. he watched my tv shows, went shopping, bought me great gifts…..tehn when it didn’t suit him anymore–he turned into a selfish bastard and didn’t give one consideration to my needs or wants. The compassion was gone, the doing what I enjoyed was gone, the gifts stopped, the caring ended. I know that it was never really there to start–but I’m a big girl–my children are little boys!
    My husband (soon to be ex) did thisto his first family. He destroyed his first wife–emotionally. She is successful with he job and has recovered somewhat. He abandoned his two adopted children and his twn daughters. They don’t know how lucky htey were!!! He will never leave these boys of mine. He wantsto control them and to usethme as props in his otherwise empty life.
    He makes a lot of money but he has no real friends tha tI am aware of. He is shalow and fake. However, like all the narcissists, he looks good from the outside. He is funny, friendly, successful. Inside he is a dead rotton piece of garbage. I do know that he will destroy wnyone he is around–if they don’t do everything thta he wants. M<y biggests mistake (besides marrying him) was tha tI continued to be my own person and to be confident in myself. This just drove the wedge into our relationship. Now tht I am ill, he has the total upperhand.
    He uses it like a club to beat me everyday. I'd rather be physically abused than to continue to be emotionally abused. I'd give anything to just take my kids and walk wawy. I'd give everything and live on whatever i could make to be free of him and have my children be free of him.
    How do I protect my children form him. He totally neglects and ignores their emotional needs. he could walk right away from them while they are crying and needing comforting. He has done the same to me for many, many years. Is there anyting that I can do to get more parentign rights and more control over the children.
    I think that they would be o.k. with minimal visitation. If he gets joint physical custody (which he will try to do so that he doesn't have to pay me child suppot)–they will suffer and that will, in turn, just destroy me.
    I worked professionally for 17 years and up to the week before my first son wa born. I cound't leave my son wit hanyone because I wanted to be the parent so I resigned from my job. My manager wanted me to stay on at least one or two days a pay period. My husband strongly encouraged me not to do this and I really wanted to be amom so I resigned fully.
    Now, I would be unable to go back to any job liek I had becuaseof my medical problems. I'm not sure how I woll support myself let alone my children.
    My husband is making my medical problems into a big deal and really pressing that they are mental illness and not pyhsical one. I have an evaluation by a Harvard trained doctor who indicateds that these tow illnesses are indeed biological. How can I fight back in my situation. It is unique. I can't believe that fate would give him such a good way to destroy what is left of me. If I wan't ill, I'd have nothing to worry about. My life has been lived well. I don't drink, smoke, use drugs, go out and leave my kids etc.
    I have dedicated myself entirely to my children. Now tht I am sick, none of that seems to matter. I have been agreat mom–but none of that seems to matter.
    Please, if you have any advice, I'd love to hear it. And to all of those women who don';t have children with the narcissist–leave!! Get out!! Get away!! It is better to lose everything and save yourself. I'd be so happy if I had that option. i don't. I'm sick and I have children. We never know how lucky we are until we lose our options. You have options. Make a new life for yurself–as far away from the loser as yu can. and be thankful for what you do have. You have yourself and you are great!
    I am dying here. I am suffering like I have never suffered before. If I were healthy, I'd be able to take this on in a strond way. However, I am jsut a sitting duck here waiting for the hammer to fall on me. Please pray for me and especially for my beautiful children.

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    • I’m so sorry!! I hope there is a God and I hope there is justice that comes some time and in some way in this world. I hope you get better for your children! I’m in the same situation, exact same but I’m not sick yet! My ex just met my son for the first time after leaving me alone for a year thankfully. Now he’s come back and brought back his evil wrath and is attacking me from every angle when I’ll I’ve done is give birth and raise a baby who I adore for a year. I’ve never loved anyone like my son and never been so afraid of anybody like my ex. To leave my baby with that man is the worst thing I could ever do. To me it is literally like leaving your baby with a rapist. Why is the court system so sick they let these people have rights to children. Just because they share DNA. If these people are diagnosed with a disease that makes them incapable of love than why the hell are they allowed to have rights to children?!?!!

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  40. Hello Sari – I am so, so sorry for your situation. This site has helped me very much to understand NPD and to deal the best I can with it. If you are a spiritual person, pray hard and know that there is some greater purpose to it all. It’s the only thing that’s keeping me sane.

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  41. Hi, I have no idea how I found you and right now I have goosebumps from reading so bear with me.. I am here, fighting every day-was married to a narcissist only after a high conflict 4yr custody battle he lied like a pro, manipulated, smeared everything about me, and was even able to convince the custody evaluator to give him custody of our 7yr old non verbal child with special needs that he had not gone to even one dr appt, therapy appt, school event, IEP meeting, since his birth! NOTHING. Now what? I have contacted State Attorneys office, filed ethics complaints, motions..

    He has had the child for 16 mos and now there is medical neglect. He has broken the Final Order At least 25 times with things like moving and not telling me where. He has alienated me from our sons life completely.
    Only he makes $250,000+and I was a stay-at-home mom for 7yrs and have now sold everything to follow my child. Yes, our kiddo was removed from everything familiar and given to dad away from his sister, family, extended family, routine, friends, therapists, doctors- moved from his home to a completely new state.

    I am drowning. Please help. What do I do now..?

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  42. I am in year 2 of a divorce from a narcissist. I only figured out that he was a narcissist about 6 months ago. And reading all of the blogs about divorcing a narcissist has been enlightening! It is really explaining a lot! Finally things are making sense to me. I just started a blog myself more for cathartic reasons. Thanks so much for sharing

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  43. I have suffered greatly at the hands of my ex wife to whom I was married for my whole adult life. I feel very lucky to have escaped at the age of 42 and though the abuse (financial and verbal) continues and she seems to have an army of drones supporting her and feeding her delusions, I am far happier now that I’m alone. At first it was very tough and her behaviour, denying me access to my children, endless lies and attacks via her lawyer and her Internet campaign of being a victim (yeah, wtf?) drove me to the brink of bankruptcy and suicide. It’s been two years since she had me arrested and thrown out of my own house by the idiot uk police who believe any story a woman tells them.

    She has laughed at my every misfortune, most of which she engineered. Living with her was like living in some nightmarish soap opera where the drama kept me on edge and in a feeling of constant disorientation: it got to the point where I felt like I had been hit on the wife of the head and did not know which way was up and which way was down.

    I have fantasised about taking vengeance on this hellish creature, but that would entail pissing away more of my life. Now when I find myself thinking about what she did to me, what she continues to do to me and how much I was in love with her, I make a point of praying. I was not religious but I must say, forgiveness is a gift from God. Being able to forgive her, focus on where my life is going, what I can have in the future (new life, new wife, happy need and success) brings me great happiness. There is only space in my head for one thing and I can choose to be upset and angry at this vile vampire, or I can turn my back on this creatures and walk away. For me to take vengeance for what she has done I’d have to be a psychopath and east twenty years, or give her twenty years of my attention. She’d probably love that as it would make her feel significant. The best vengeance you can have on a narccissist is to forgive them, walk away, recover and live a great and happy life. That is exactly whatmim on my way to doing.

    So if you find yourself with a heart full of anger and despair, alive that there is a way out. Focus on what you want this world to be like for you, and if you can’t, pray that you may be given the gift of forgiveness, that you may forgive your monster and focus on your own happiness. Create a new better life because even though the monster may rant and rave and scream in anger for your attention, the worst thing you can do to it is ignore it and be happy.

    At the moment I am struggling for acceptance and The ability to forgive. Most of the time I can do so. It is three am and I quite often find myself awake and unable to sleep thinking about this evil I have suffered and escaped. But I have learned so much over the last few years and am so grateful for the lessons even though they have been painful. I believe God let me walk in the darkness so that I could learn to shine, and I believe my life is starting to shine.

    To all of you suffering from narcissistic abuse, please put as much distance between yourself and the narc as possible and focus on your own life, goals and recovery.

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  44. I would love to hear the perspective/story of a man who experienced a female NPD.

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    • I went through emotional hell with her. She left three times. She tried to cash in the rings that I bought 3 days prior. Each time she returned to my home it was a different excuse. Two weeks later she was gone again.she would bring up old dates. She would talk downnn. People like waiters or those that had mennial jobs.she got. Fired from a 40,000 dollar a yr job telling. Me they had it in for her,when 5 different stores said they had not seen her since sept 2013.this happened in April this year.for the two weeks we were married before she left the last time, she only came home 6 times. I filed for divorce the day after she left.she came back a month later saying she wanted to reconcile.two days before the hearing she left again.everything was final two weeks ago,and she drives by daily.

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  45. Thank you for writing this. I know how hard it is to go outside your anger and still be rational. The story you have told is exactly as mine, but mine has lasted 5 years. We had a huge asset (a 3 million$ home) he refused to move out of, split the equity, etc. Its digusting the amount of money we’ve spent on attorneys, accountants, family court, etc. We have 3 teenagers who need to go to college, he doesn’t care. All he cares about is smearing me and making himself look better and like the victim. My kids are now aware of their father’s disorder, but I have never bad-mouthed him and I am still close to his family (who live nearby). My question is this: I KNOW I have to get away form my ex (15 yrs married). But do I sacrafice my 3 teenagers 13,15,17 to do so? I have hit rock bottom, been hospitalized, depression, anxiety, been in therapy 3 years, etc.,Currently I am doing better, have gone back to teaching (substitiute) & am financially ok. I am so sick to death of being around my ex, in this small town where he grew up… I have stayed for the children, but my oldest (daughter) is starting to fall apart. Her dad is projecting his disorder onto her, I have limited contact to sporadic email only. I feel guilty when I do this, because I know my kids will suffer. He demands 50% custody, which is ridiculous, he doesn’t want that & he can’t meet their needs on this level. He just simply won’t settle for less because it will make him look bad. I can’t get more custody at this point, he has smeared me in court because of my “bad decisions” which was really just protecting myself & my kids. I don’t want to go on & on, I would like your opinion on leaving. When do I know it’s ok.? I don’t want to abandon my kids with this monster, but it is ruining the one healthy parent they do have. I can move to LA with a girlfriend (I live in Silicon Valley, ughh) and make a new life. I know my kids love me & they know I love them, but I don’t want them to ever feel feel like I’m leaving them… But if I stay, it might be the end of me, my ex will NEVER let go. When do I save myself for the sake of my kids? We live in a small, exclusive town (not that it matters) but my kids don’t want to leave this “safe” environment… which I understand. So if I leave it’s going to be on my own.

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    • Amy, I know how painful it must be to have common children with this man. But if you can’t handle him as an adult woman what chance do the children have. Especially since he’s their father. They need to be protected. Do you have alternative family their that would have custody of them? This “monster” as you refer to him will use time with others away from you to destroy their faith in you and to be told that you abandoned them. When the kids are 18 they can leave with you. I am so sorry for your situation and you are in my prayers. You say that you have been in therapy which is good. Are you aware that due to his abuse that their are women’s centers and shelters that will work outpatient with you and help you with referrals to help you with your life? Please take care of yourself, it won’t last forever, just feels like it…..

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    • Ummmm. Tell me how you think a man would be beneficial to your children that foesbt care about their college, treats you like dirt. And I know from experience he has tarted them the same. You would be doing them a favor. Get then the H— away from him. If you don’t he’s just gonna end up using them too.

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  46. thank you for your story. You reinforced to me that my decision to run and relocate was the right one. I am alone with my two children in a new community, however I am able to breath again and think about doing other things other than being consumed by a narcissist and being drawn into their world. I can stop living like a prisoner in my own home. So glad I found your sight. You have made a little of my loneliness easier to handle..

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  47. Hi,WOW! Amazing blog!! So very helpfull.There’s some quotes I read the other day I’d like to share with all victims/survivers of narcissism/psychopathy on this blog;

    “Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper;They’ll scratch you up time and time again but
    in the end you’re polished and spotless while they end up useless.”

    “Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you,but you meant nothing to
    him.”

    “I may not be perfect,but at least I’m not fake.” 😉

    “You don’t need to take revenge.Just sit back and wait because karma will get hold of
    those that hurt you and if you are lucky,God will let you watch.” 🙂

    “A real man spends so much time making his woman feel special that there is no
    time for her to ever feel jealous of another.”

    “There are some people who are always angry and looking for a fight…
    Let it go and keep in mind the battle isn’t with you,it’s in themselves.”

    “Sometimes God does not allow our wishes to come true because that would limit
    our growth.
    God’s dreams for us are bigger and better than we could ever dream of.”

    “We are all having our breaking point when our heart will finally have enough of being lied to and just shut off–it will hurt but it knows it’s time to move on.”

    No,we are not the crazy ones,and we are not alone!
    Wishing you all the best and remember,we may not be perfect,but at least we are not fake!

    xx Astrid (Netherlands)

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  48. Everything that you state in your writing applies to me with the exception that we have no common children. I have thought that I should walk away too during the divorce process as he has done everything in his power to destroy me. I also know that he needs to win and I have already given up things just to get this over with. I gave up over 12G in some community property just to keep my dog. I am so dissilusioned by the court system, the judge, and the attorney’s. He has lied under oath and made every attempt to malign my character and has projected upon me all of the things that he has done or is capable of doing and believe me he did a lot of horrible things over the years. He was physical a number of times but always careful to not be blatent. He would shove me, throw things at me, open doors hard into me, etc.. and each time when I asked why he did that he looked me staight in the eye and asked “did what”. He did 24/7 commentary on my very existence, the way I spoke, walked, laughed, drank water, and on and on. It took the year apart for me to really get just how horrible my life with him was. It fell upon me to prove that his allegations were not true and when I did so the judge just moved on. I have spent thousands of dollars to end up with what I knew would happen anyway this being a no fault community property state. And I never truly felt that anyone listened to me as I was always told it was a no fault state. And yet I sat for two hours in court listening to his accusations that were not relevent to the division of property. I learned that my best protection was to not engage which was also used against me as not cooperating. I took the high road in every way and I was totally failed by the system. He has had no consequences for his behaviors which include, lying, stealing from me, and cheating. I on the other hand will not cross those lines and feel like I’ve been sucker punched. It took almost a year to finally get the divorce (final this week) and the same day the order comes down he is already texting/emailing that his attorney is asking for ammendments. I think that he actually thought that I would walk away from the marriage with absolutely nothing and since I didn’t he is on the offensive again. I am leaving the state as soon as I am able and start over. We were together for almost 20 years and married for 16 and my greatest mistake was in waiting for “it” to get better. It never does and he became more vicious and rigid the longer we were together. This man is dangerous and I sometimes wonder if he is evil. And by the way I have become much stonger physically, mentally, and emotionally. I do not even hate him but do hate the destruction and pain that he has created in my life. And I will be better then ever and he will always be him. I really do pity him as I realized that he is a gaping black hole of fear and so insecure that he always had to use leveling against me. I still exist as myself and finally understand that he does not exist at all. He a made up person, a facade if you will and someday he will have chased anyone who ever cared about him away. Thanks for a place to vent. And I will also try to be of service to others.

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  49. Wow. So sorry you going through this. I’m divorcing my Narcissistic husband. He has no money because he isn’t working, he got us evicted and didn’t tell me it was coming. I’m so glad I have all the information I do now. I can’t wait to be rid of him.

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  50. karencassidy2013

    As I read more articles on divorcing a narcissist – I realize that I did in fact make SOME good choices for the benefit of me and my children. One, I gave time where he had no financial responsibilities. This allowed me to get divorced. I needed the money, but the sacrifice was worth more. The need for peace was far greater than what I would have gotten in support, but lost to attorney’s and more importantly my sanity and how that would have affected my children. The common advice and hard to follow (at least at first)… Is NOT to engage. WOW, so important. Thank god for the net and the information out there. Thank you for the article. Just knowing their is a name for ‘what you lived and they are’ is comforting. it is nice to know that you are not crazy and not alone.

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    • All of this is so ‘spot on’ !! I had known for a LONG time that there was something VERY wrong with my ‘ex-narcissist’ and I would confront him about it (i.e., “if you had an ounce of humility it would make a HUGE difference; or “why are you so f**king arrogant”; or “who died and made you King of the Hill?”…the list goes on). It was not until I was serching the Internet for reasons why my brother was so “mentally off balance” (I believe he suffers from some degree of psychosis), when I ran across the definition of a Narcissist and immediately knew that is what my ‘ex’ is!! It was SUCH a relief to put a name and description to what I had lived with for 23 years!! So many pieces of the puzzle had suddenly been solved and I finally was able to see the ‘big picture’ of what he was. The divorce was agonizing and painful and stressful, but it is better to be alone than to be with someone like that! My children were 18 and 21 when he decided to ‘leave the family’ for one of his MANY mistresses, over the years. We did not have the custody battle but he definitely had the kids involved in playing the “divorce game”…..he would “buy” their love in order to have them stay in his life (now with the mistress, that he actually married…..he walked out on us on Nov. 24, arranged to have her meet him in the Bahamas the next day, and was engaged on Feb. 14 (of course!!) and moved her into ‘our’ house by June!!!). My daughter (18) fell right into that trap and was more than pleased about receiving gifts, money, favors, Bahama trips, etc…which almost destroyed me!!! Luckily she has now seen him for what he truly is (6 years later!!) and so has my son, but it was a LONG and painful torment for me to have to know that their ‘sperm donor’ and his new wife only wanted my kids in their life in order to torture me!!! He has continued to ” f**k me over” any way he can since the divorce and I can only imagine that he will never stop! They do seem to “love” the game and he has tried many times to taunt me into fighting with him. I only had one bad communication encounter with him, right after the divorce, but after that I decided that ‘no contact’ is definitely the way to go and I have stuck with it. I now realize that all the fights and arguments we had in the marriage was based on his Narcissistic arrogance of “not losing, not admitting guilt, not apologizing, etc.” and thus the fights “had” to continue as he would never concede! I could go on and on, as most of you know, but I just wanted to add my 2 cents to this post. Good luck in the healing process to everyone who has had to endure the torture of a Narcissist!!!

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