Category Archives: Narcissism

That feeling of DREAD we feel/felt in our relationship. When people are made to feel helpless, hopeless, isolated, and silenced – they become VULNERABLE. One of the most obvious signs of malignant narcissism is the way they ALWAYS malign and diminish others.

That feeling of DREAD we feel/felt in our relationship. When people are made to feel helpless, hopeless, isolated, and silenced – they become VULNERABLE. One of the most obvious signs of malignant narcissism is the way they ALWAYS malign and diminish others.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

They are constantly remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider that friendship, family, or love should never cause harm to a person nor take them down a road of destruction and abuse. Ultimately love or any relationship can make us sad when we lose a loved one but that is the reality of unconditional love when someone near to us is suffering, or we lose them completely – and that is more or less grieving a REAL connection between two normally functioning people. Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist is psychological abuse MEANT to intentionally harm and damage a target/victim that the Narcissist has chosen as their prey – it by no means is anything near a conventional and loving relationship. Real love grows and does not diminish another person’s spirit. Always remember that the love that you felt for this person was as much a part of the psychological abuse (love bombing) as was the devaluation stage. This was all the tools of the Narcissists trade – brainwashing, extreme manipulation, gas-lighting, pathological lying, hideous betrayal, many sexual partners, etc., or the cycle of abuse with a Malignant Narcissist.

Narcissists manipulate in a manner to control their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything – this is chaos and crazy making meant to confound their target’s normal thoughts. This can be very evident at times, because it is a downright shocking situation, and we have all been there shaking our heads in disbelief at what they have said or acted on. It can also be very subtle with many small manipulative and dehumanizing actions that disassemble the target/victim’s well-being slowly and methodically. BUT it is so perplexing that people actually disbelieve their very ears and more than often we dismiss it and justify it by thinking it is anger, a bad day, insecurity, jealousy, or they have some wrong information about us – BUT it is constant and consistent behavior meant to debase us. Unfortunately, we spend our time trying to fix the situation and avoiding the truth that this is just one of their tools in their vast arsenal of control and ultimately ABUSE. Little by little this behavior erodes the target/victim’s self-worth and creates an almost obsessive situation where the target/victim is constantly trying to avoid the conflict, keeping things peaceful, and walking on eggshells. There is never the opportunity for a “healthy self” in this relationship and you become a casualty of the constant psychological terrorism or abuse – essentially you become a shell of a person.

A simple example to drive the point home; the narcissist inexplicably gets angry at what should be a pleasing and positive moment. You expected a little gratification or a smile from something incredibly special that you may have done, and – WHAM – you get a reaction that invalidates every ounce of time and energy you put into this ‘special thing’. The reaction totally invalidates the ‘good will’ that you created that was an act of your caring or love. It sets you off AND into a state of confusion, doesn’t it? You are wondering just how something so good and natural could be turned around into something that meets such disapproval. You know that there is no possible way that you meant anything more than extending your love or appreciation in a normal manner, but you are left shocked over the Narcissists reaction.

Here is an ‘ah ha’ moment and guess what? That is exactly what the narcissist wanted – a negative reaction to debase you. I call this their ‘hit and run’ diversion. It is intended to make you feel a multitude of things, but basically invalidated and derailed like a train wreck. This small example really outlines the dynamics of the slow and insidious abuse that a Narcissist USES to debase and destroy their targets self-esteem. Remember that this relationship started out with so much CHARM, caring, or love (love bombing) that had you dependent upon a day-to-day connection with them. This dependency was not ABNORMAL as in “co-dependent,” but instead what a normal growing relationship naturally evolves into. Yes, there are co-dependent targets/victims but even the strongest person can fall prey to the psychological abuse from a Narcissist.

You can’t have reality in a situation where there is none, especially a situation that is embellished with toxic behavior to push your buttons, play with your emotions and take you to your lowest level. No/minimal contact always. Greg

The Narcissist completely steers the direction by always reinforcing their technique with equal parts of love/charm and pain/harm creating a desperation that keeps the victim caught up in this overcompensating to get back to that cohesive and loving part of the relationship they once knew!

The Narcissist completely steers the direction by always reinforcing their technique with equal parts of love/charm and pain/harm creating a desperation that keeps the victim caught up in this overcompensating to get back to that cohesive and loving part of the relationship they once knew! Add to this the frequent belittlement in the manner a Narcissist will dismiss anything that is exciting or that inspires a target/victim. A Narcissist will crush any attempts from the target/victim to make sense of their agenda and keep the target CONSTANTLY confused and walking on those eggshells or off balance or basically always being in control of the victim disabling them emotionally AND psychologically. So, let us call this what it is or emotional and psychological abuse!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an old illusion you hang onto that possibly the relationship COULD be right again. WHY – because he/she (the Narcissist) pulls you back every time they push you away. You try to make sense out of all of this but instead you CONSTANTLY feel lost, confused and walking on those eggshells.

Within the cycle of abuse with a Narcissist AND having to deal with all the chaos, accusations, the constant blame, shame and punishment the target/victim only TRIES to make sense of the Narcissist’s hurtful behaviors in an attempt to fix things by overcompensating. By constantly engaging with the Narcissist, it becomes too tangible or the victim’s new reality in a distorted and disabling manner. The Narcissist completely steers the direction by always reinforcing their technique with equal parts of love/charm and pain/harm creating a desperation that keeps the victim caught up in this overcompensating to get back to that cohesive and loving part of the relationship they once knew! Add to this the frequent belittlement in the manner a Narcissist will dismiss anything that is exciting or that inspires a target/victim. A Narcissist will crush any attempts from the target/victim to make sense of their agenda and keep the target CONSTANTLY confused and walking on those eggshells or off balance or basically always being in control of the victim disabling them emotionally AND psychologically. So, let us call this what it is or emotional and psychological abuse!

Any dissention from a victim harms the Narcissist’s flow and need to feel superior or the omnipotent one in any relationship AND most importantly getting the constant admiration that they need OR the supply they are desperately after. The Narcissist has a pathological envy of everything real and normal in people because it discounts the Narcissist’s reality or better yet lack of reality and makes them aware of their shortcomings of WHO they THINK they are. This is expressed in varying degrees throughout the devaluation, discard, and horrific smear campaign where they will trample their target/victim’s integrity into the ground to support their superior facade. Anyone who has shared a life with a Narcissist recognizes the chronic dispensation of such double standards and the many manifestations across all areas of life where rules and laws are applied that the Narcissist NEVER abides by. It is especially evident with children who have been raised by a Narcissistic parent or with this desperate, confusing, and disabling love!

Because of this constant uncertainty is the consistent self-doubt and feeling of worthlessness that manifests itself in the target/victim’s heart and mind. The Narcissist is not only manipulating the mind but also tugging at the heartstrings of the target or victim to stay in control. If you do this, I will love you, but it you do not follow my exact rules and laws I will punish you, terrorize you demean, dehumanize you, AND leave you – not a very tangible approach to any sort of viable relationship. Basically, it is a very dehumanizing form of conditioning and subjugation of a human being and WRONG at every level – THEREFORE it is labeled abuse and why THEY are labeled personality disordered.

This constant blend of abusive and charming behavior with the victim is quite common with a tyrannical Narcissist and basically describes the need to control their environment or that manipulative conditioning to keep the victim off guard and totally lost in confusion. For the target/victim it is a toxic osmosis from the devaluation effect of being in the presence of and angry and spiritually draining creature. So, the Narcissist is not in this dance just for positive supply, we are a dumping ground for their toxicity as well and that is what damages the soul and destroys a person’s complete belief system. The Narcissist uses that manipulative and confusing component of equal parts pain and compassion or love and desperation in a manner to make their targets/victims feel that there is that small glimmer of hope that is coming from the Narcissist’s unconditional and loving soul and THAT is what keeps the victim engaged. Unfortunately, that soul if it exists is neither loving nor unconditional. It is dark, empty and knows nothing about real love, truth, or the reality of respecting life – but it does know how to extort whatever it can from a victim even if that means destroying them completely.

The most heartbreaking effect of these disorienting double standards is the utter confusion about what is considered right and wrong when sharing a world with a Narcissist. The double standards seem to trade places constantly throughout the relationship. The Narcissist creates standards, morals, and laws for everybody around them but they themselves do not respect or follow ANY of their own rules or standards and constantly change them to meet THEIR personal needs in any given situation. The result is the victim never has a real voice because of the ever-changing rules and standards and the victim is always the one at fault. A Narcissist will NEVER validate a positive reality or experience for another human being, but instead trap their targets/victims in a fun house maze of mirrors that never reflect an accurate image. The target/victim runs through that fun-house maze of mirrors seeing their reflection as different and ever changing or a static and inaccurate image that is ever-changing. Those who have lived through this know how this easily manipulates and implants itself into a deep-seated belief that one’s interpretation of reality, especially when reality is ambiguous or uncertain, is always the wrong one, the faulty one, the one fully invalidated by the mere existence of the Narcissist’s manipulative interpretation to control people!

Never, never just listen to the Narcissists words, but instead observe the behavior that they back up any of the words they use. Behavior is how we can completely assess the reality of what a person is truly offering us. Words are a Narcissists main tools to make their con job functional and rewarding to themselves! You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an illusion of everything being right (because he/she tells you so) and this is an extremely hard thing to accept. If it feels wrong, it is wrong.

What goes along with this is staying out of the Narcissist’s head! Do not try to figure out what they are up to or what’s going on in their lives, what’s in their mind, or second guess them. Getting into a Narcissist’s head means trying to figure out their motives, trying to make excuses for them, trying to rationalize their behavior, maybe even trying to manipulate them, and all this does is gets you sucked right back into the content of the chaos, crazymaking, and abuse again! They trained you well to always think about them, so that it deflects away from the truth that they are the problem, the sick one, and the abusive personality and you turn it around to see what YOU can do to fix this, fix THEM, or even accept the blame that this is ALL your fault.

When you catch yourself thinking about them and trying to gain some relevant information that will help you out in some way, just remember NOTHING is relevant about them except that they lie, cheat, manipulate, steal, use, betray, backstab, brainwash, triangulate, extort lives away from people, and psychologically rape people’s minds. Just do not try to figure out anything they do because the reason behind everything they do is ALWAYS self-serving and full of chaos, manipulation, and lies. What in any of that do you want or need to understand — they are just dangerous to human life! If there really was love you would be together in a manner that there would not be so many issues and always having to explain yourself and feeling so traumatized.

For those who are in doubt of their relationship, read, absorb, and process the truth about Narcissistic behaviors – in other words get a strong education so you can align with the truth of this personality disorder. Keep in mind that toxic people can be mothers, fathers, siblings, coworkers, clergy and religious leaders, politicians, co-workers, bosses, health professionals, romantic partners, or anybody in your world. These people, for whatever reason, feel no remorse or empathy, and display no conscience in their interactions with other human beings. They use, abuse, and discard their source targets for a variety of reasons, be it sex, money, status, or a sense of power but again they do what they do because they are self-serving OR they are after something that you have, and they will do whatever to get it and then destroy your integrity after they have gotten what they came for. They are what they are and will remain that way – only their tactics change and evolve as each new target is acquired. There is no reason to maintain any type of “relationship” with another human being whose only goal in their lifetime is to target and dismantle other human beings for their own selfish purposes – none. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

The Narcissist is an EXTREME egomaniac and feels so deserving of everything in life – this is the totality of their infliction and what makes them a Narcissist because nothing else matters in their world except for their every need – AND they seriously do not care who they HARM in the process. We

The Narcissist is an EXTREME egomaniac and feels so deserving of everything in life – this is the totality of their infliction and what makes them a Narcissist because nothing else matters in their world except for their every need – AND they seriously do not care who they HARM in the process. We are all steppingstones that they walk on and over to get what they want. ONCE we understand this and internalize this, we must NEVER engage with them or look back at them as anything but the predatory and destructive con-artist that they really are.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

They feel that they are BETTER than everybody and deserving of EVRYTHING they want in life, and they will take it no matter if they abuse people or break the law to do so and they just don’t care. They act as if they are royalty in life and feel above and even insulted by any unworthy subjects – like YOU and I expecting his/her majesty’s affirmation or attention – we are there to serve. It is all part of the fictional novel going on in the Narcissist’s childish mind, that magnanimous work of fiction about themselves in which he/she is the star of a great masterpiece all about themselves.

Little children do the same thing in their play fantasies, but THEY eventually grow up and deal in reality. The Narcissist totally IDENTIFIES with the fictional character that he/she creates in that mirror that is you and me. WE have a bit part in this show as a character (one of many) that exists to reflect the Narcissist’s greatness through our interactions with them period. They will always share how amazing they are and how they have so many friends, how their family and children love them, etc. BUT in reality, what they share are usually bits and pieces of tiny truths that are ALWAYS the direct opposite. Their immediate family eventually rejects their hideous actions or perversions that they have inflicted on them, but it is always somebody else’s fault. Everybody else picks up the slack for these creatures like raising a family, paying the bills, and keeping up the real responsibilities in life. The real relationship with them is no give and all take but never care or love, it is all about serving the Narcissist – the rest is their fictional story that you believe that locked you into what you believed was a relationship. In time you realized the truth when their words and actions never backed up the façade, they personally created for you.

You will fall out of grace when your eyes reflect the disdain of their lies and manipulation, and you will enter a battle with them where they will destroy you for making them face the reality of who they really are. They will just run off after they have destroyed your integrity and start up a new life of abuse with someone else. Yet, deep down inside, the Narcissist is aware that their life is a sham, and they are vulnerable as far as being exposed and that is what they fear. They are always a step or ten ahead of the game and have gathered up every bit of personal information they can use against you to destroy your integrity so that your voice becomes weak and unheard when you start to speak out. Their out-of-control life is a constant reminder of how unstable their amazing world is AND how weak and feeble they really are! Clinically this is described as the Narcissist’s Grandiosity Gap – or it other words they are gift wrapped box that is EMPTY inside when you unwrap it.

The Narcissist can pretend to know everything, in every field of the human condition and is seamless with all the knowledge that spills out. Again, they are all confabulations and lies that the Narcissist prevaricates to avoid the exposure of their real ignorance AND their dark world they MUST hide. Their knowledge and experience are just copycat information that has no basis of reality or is earned through realistic education, goals, hard work, relationship bonding, human compassion, real love, or anything else. AGAIN – they have no reality to back it up or empathy to understand life at any level! The Narcissist resorts to numerous prefabricated ‘imitations of life’ to support their God-like omnipotence. What goes on in the shadows is what really defines them and exists in their REAL world, and that is their vast neediness and out-of-control lifestyle that betrays all of life and love. You can take the power away from the Narcissist by removing yourself from their diabolical and delusional world and stop supplying them with your life. Start with no/minimal contact! Greg

Do you go out of your way to keep your Narcissist happy and deliberately to try to avoid angering him/her – BUT – nothing is EVER RIGHT – you are damned if you do or damned if you don’t – BUT YOU ARE ALWAYS DAMNED in this connection or relationship!

Do you go out of your way to keep your Narcissist happy and deliberately to try to avoid angering him/her – BUT – nothing is EVER RIGHT – you are damned if you do or damned if you don’t – BUT YOU ARE ALWAYS DAMNED in this connection or relationship!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

Ultimately this is the Narcissist’s key strategy and that is maintaining control because as long as you are too scared to speak up or express yourself in ANY manner or feel that you can’t react to anything this Narcissist says or does – you have no voice. When you have no voice, you have no say, and you have no ability to think or process or to live as a “normal” individual in your relationship – you are more or less an object that serves a purpose. While you have no say, they can do exactly as they please and they can even legitimately claim that you were never objected and make you out to be the disordered creature that they are through an arsenal of tools to debase your whole life!

When you are out of the fog and away from the abuse it becomes very clear how delusional they are as well as how their psychopathy comes into play to control their victims. Here are some of the basics that are out there in many variations BUT in my own words:

• Raging at you – if you question them concerning accountability or do not agree with something they say or do, they rage. After a while you just accept your place of silence to avoid any more conflict because once they start raging, they just don’t stop. I dealt with this rage so much that I would just sit there and hope that this Narcissist would wear themselves out and stop. Replying only outraged this Narcissist more and more. Unfortunately, this became ‘my normal’ and I was eternally walking on those eggshells.

• Re-writing history – lying to change the truth and make you out to seem forgetful, OR you are lying and the one changing the story, or mentally ill and incapable of having a normal functioning brain. They can literally say one thing and within minutes say the direct opposite of what they said and deny it.

• Non-sense arguing – arguments that come out of the blue that have no merit, or arguments from out of the past that they re-ignite to create chaos and keep you dancing to the tune of their chaos and control.

• Gas-lighting – this is the sign of their psychopathy for sure. They create situations to make you BELIEVE that you have issues with your own mental health. It is done in a manner to set you up to believe in something they say or do, and then what they said or did is denied making you believe you are losing your own cognizant ability of processing daily life. It could even be physically hiding something from you to make you feel like you are very forgetful.

• Manipulation – they will take a situation and turn it inside out to drain it of any goodness and make the situation wrong and turn it on YOU. That is the motivation of manipulating you – or to basically debase you in some manner. It can be as subtle as NOT saying thank you for something you did for them that was nice or ignoring your efforts. Another example is if you ask them if they like something you did for them because they are not acknowledging your efforts at all, they will accuse you of fishing for compliments, say that they never asked you to do this for them, you are trying to buy their love, and you are obsessed with them. No, you are being conditioned to give more and more because there is no manner in which you can please them so you try anything and everything and that blows up in your face.

• Enlisting real or fake minions – this is like the bully at school that gangs up on the unsuspecting target with the support of their followers. Generally, these minions are not physically there with the Narcissist and reinforcing what the Narcissist says, instead you are TOLD that “certain people” or a buddy of the Narcissist said “this, that, and what not” about you in a manner that they are concerned as to your mental health or whatever they decide will make you out to be deserving of some sort of destructive criticism. They do “employ” weak people to act out against you as well – but again who would intentionally defend the Narcissist’s backstabbing without even knowing the target/victim the Narcissist is attacking – only a disordered person with little or no self-esteem.

• Taunting threats – this was a favorite of my Narcissist. When I would remain silent that would even backfire on me, so the argument would switch over to threats to enlist a sense of insecurity as far as the relationship was concerned. After I would be silenced, and the Narcissist had a free weekend to secure sexual supply I was taunted with it in a manner to punish me to further drive the point home or control me even in my silence for not reacting enough to the original argument. My Narcissist would state they met someone that was perfect for them, and they could possibly be “the new love of their life.” After all was said and done my Narcissist would say they made it up because they wanted to show me how uncaring I was – funny way to do it! They really know how to work an argument to get the most out of it to punish us.

• One-up-man-ship – this is when the Narcissist feels very insecure about your accomplishments, or for any acts of goodness that is just a part of your daily life with them as far as something you do out of care. You are not shoving anything in their face as if you are bragging BUT they are acting out of their perpetual envy and will attack your virtues to knock you down a few pegs to feed their internal insecurities. More managing down!

• Stone faced stares – you will be speaking and sharing in the normal manner that humans do, and the Narcissist is sitting there and staring you down with an emotionless face. They do not react or join in on the conversation and you are left there hanging and feel that you are inconsequential as far as a viable person in their lives. BUT when they have something, they want to say there is no end to it and YOU better be listening intently!

• The hypochondriac Narcissist – quite simply they are always sick and simulating some life-threatening disease to evoke pity and for us to care for them more, give them more, and wait on them hand and foot. Sometimes it can be that if YOU get a cold, they end up being deathly sick with pneumonia!

• It’s all about me, me, ME – quite honestly this completely defines the Narcissist, but it is also the manipulative arguments and statements that are used to get us to think we are NOT doing enough, or NOT caring enough, not engaging them enough, or NOT loving them enough. They can even use this as an excuse as to why they stray away from the relationship from time to time. We just NEVER UNDERSTAND what we do to them that has them feeling so unloved (just another ploy to get attention). YES, this was absolutely true for me because I never understood what it was that I was constantly doing wrong. In fact, I was not doing anything wrong except for staying in an abusive relationship.

• Triangulation – purposely using common information they have ABSORBED from being in our company and twisting it around in a devious manner to use against us and turn others against us. They use the familiarity from knowing us and then they seem like they are ‘in the know’ when they start triangulating. That little bit of truth they gained from us gets exploited!

• Back-stabbing – this sort of goes hand in hand with triangulation, but its sole purpose is to create dysfunction around us to get the people that we love/like and associate with to believe we are the “real problem”. Basically, as it states they talk behind our backs to those closest to us setting the stage for the discard and ‘smear campaign!’ They are always ten steps ahead of the game.

• Smear campaign – this is the Narcissist setting up their final farewell to us by contacting everybody of influence in your life and destroying your integrity and damaging your life. They want us to feel vulnerable and afraid of what they can and will do. You cannot fight a coward that attacks your virtue and integrity with insidious lies behind your back. The damage is done, and you are damned if you do or damned if you don’t respond to the smear campaign. This gives them the time to run off while we are left vulnerable with the mess, they have created for us – and YES, we end up looking like we were the problem and even crazy!

• Denial – complete disassociation with the truth around all reality, in all situations – it is like their life is one diversion after another.

• Projection – transferring what they are feeling or doing onto a target. Not anything that can be considered positive, mostly something negative they have done like having an affair and stating it is YOU that had the affair, or you are the liar, or your family hates you, or you are the thief, etc. In essence making us out to be as disordered as they are, but they transfer it to us to ceremoniously cleanse themselves of their disordered life and actions.

These are some of the general day to day actions to keep us managed down, always explaining ourselves, fearful, feeling worthless and again walking on those eggshells. These tactics amount to control which equates to the Narcissist trying to gain power over us. So, what is important here is to understand these very tactics as well as the many other ones that they use to debase us, dehumanize us and destroy us. It is the sickness AND delusion that goes hand in hand with this psychological abuse. It is a pattern that the Narcissist follows to destroy our self-worth as well as extort our lives. It is the Narcissist projecting their dysfunctional life onto us to release from any accountably of just how disordered they are but making us accept the shame and blame for their out-of-control life through projection – and they punish us for what they are. It is psychological terrorism meant to inflict as much damage on any person that accepts or allows them to be part of their life and if possible, destroy us in the process as if we deserve it. They must use this power over their targets/victims to get their supply to survive. Memorize these so that when the time ever comes that you have to deal with a Narcissist you know that YOU can shut them down by disallowing them to use ANY of their strong-armed tactics to create that emotional chaos.

They are historians that re-write history and distort reality so that they can PROJECT that THEY are the normal one, the savior, the target/victim, and the persecuted one and then they walk away with their distorted integrity to use and con another unsuspecting victim into their web of lies and deceit. It is all OK with them because they dispel the abuse by projecting their psychopathy onto everybody else – Narcissist are perpetual blamers and victims – it is NEVER their fault.

This is the cycle of abuse and the arsenal of tools that a Narcissist uses with the biggest lie being the mask of gold they wear laden with the charm and morality that they profess they have. It is only a flimsy mask of lies that slips off easily and reveals the dark truth. Unfortunately, they do not come to us with a warning label, instead they come to us with an imitation of love to gain our trust and then they enter our heads to dismantle our spirit and integrity so they can extort every aspect of our life and love. Once they have drained us of our life force, they move onto the next person to extort.

Our downfall however is that we are NORMAL, full of real empathy, as well as dreamers looking for the same thing everyone else does – friendship, real connections, love, and security with a partner. We believe in fairy tales and happy endings, but a Narcissistic partner is the nightmare that you wake up with in a sweat AND as if you have to run for your life. That nightmare changes us and damages our belief system, integrity, self-esteem and causes psychological damage. We desperately wanted to believe them because admitting that it was all a lie shattered a dream that we all wanted and spent too many years believing and trying to fix. The dream is all you’ve ever had, and they took that away from you and made you feel wrong as if you NEVER deserved it or to even be loved. There was never a relationship or anything remotely near it.

Now you fear your very spirit and soul is dying because it becomes all too clear that that you lost precious parts of your life at the hands of a con artist and a destructive and perverse creature that made you believe you are worthless. Your loss is great in every area of your life, and you are left to pick up the many pieces of the shattered life and destruction they have left behind for you as they ran off like the out-of-control coward they are. But your soul has not died nor has your belief system been destroyed or your spirit taken away – it along with every day you spent with this Narcissist was manipulated and buried in the darkness of their disordered and perverse world. That spirit is just hiding and will come back to you with time and clarity! Remember though, every time that you believe their empty lies, you are giving them permission to continue. The truth will light the way back to the good world you once knew. Never forget the amazing person you were and still are AND never give it up because of this abuse! No/minimal contact to start on the journey to clarity. Greg

Purposeful disorientation! The Narcissist purposely creates negative confusing, conflicting, and manipulative messages that trap us in our own heads – THIS is a highly disordered person controlling you with emotional and psychological abuse!

Purposeful disorientation! The Narcissist purposely creates negative confusing, conflicting, and manipulative messages that trap us in our own heads – THIS is a highly disordered person controlling you with emotional and psychological abuse!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

There are many ways that a Narcissist will confound or confuse your thought processes, isolate you, and hold you prisoner without that Narcissist even being in your presence. The Narcissist creates negative messages that trap us in our own heads. Be it raging, accusing, silencing, and distancing themselves from you for days, accusing or whatever they decide to throw your way. All these methods are hideous forms of abuse to debilitate you/us and make you conform to their rules. They bait us with an argument or accusations, this escalates usually with the Narcissist taking it to a higher level of dysfunction, we are left dumbfounded with their hit and run message, and then they go into the punishment mode by running off or silencing us and we are left in shock or traumatized by the nonsense. LASTLY, we are left to our own devices especially when we try to rationalize any of this with our own mind and the ‘poison’ they injected into us.

I was continually baited with nonsensical accusations like being unfaithful (which I was not,) and out of the blue my Narcissist would throw these crazy stories at me. “I know you are on every dating/sex site looking to hook up!” “I ran into a friend when I was out, and they told me that they KNOW it is you!” Then ‘BAM’ the Narcissist judge would sentence me to 3 days of isolation, confinement, and silencing! The argument escalated without knowing the name of the so-called witness, proof, or the ability for me to speak. I knew the truth as far as it concerned me, but I also knew that when one of these scenarios would arise that my Narcissist was totally irrational and whatever I said or did would only amount to an attack of rage. I was CONDITIONED to accept these insane bouts of crazy making, accusations, and rage as a part of my relationship. What was my rationale in this, or why did I allow the accusations? Well because I could not escape the accusations or the argument? Yes, I did think my Narcissist was insane at times, but I wanted these behaviors to stop and somehow work through these things so we could get things back on track again. I was the insane one for buying into all of it and trying to apply some sort of rationale or logic! By allowing myself to justify each of these stories and attacks, I was allowing myself to accept the abuse as my normal.

The Narcissist’s actions are meant to leave us in a very confused and vulnerable state, one that makes us challenge our own mind and reality and then pull us further into the abuse or basic brainwashing and conditioning. You/we throw reality, our intuition, and everything that we know to be true right out the window. Your persona has been eroded by the many mixed messages and confusion that a Narcissist creates and has created (in the past) with so many other situations. All of this is compounded by your ‘emotional connection’ to this Narcissist. You feel real emotions from the ‘love bombing’, but the Narcissist doesn’t feel any emotions, nor do they bond with us, and this is NOT a conventional relationship by any means and never will! BUT to us this was real, and we believed in it!

The human brain works in a manner that chemicals or endorphins are released in response to something that makes us feel wonderful and that gives us that euphoric feeling. BUT the opposite is true, when the stimulus that made us feel so wonderful is withdrawn from us and the production of the endorphins shuts down causing anxiety and even depression. Very simple Psychology! It is very common that a Narcissist can be so incredibly charming and perfect in the beginning of the relationship (love bombing) and you fall strongly in love. As a result of this AND the Narcissist’s manipulative agenda, you soon become strongly connected or even addicted to the immense highs from them and you still want this love available to you. It is an amazing love and MEANT to be that way to start the cycle of abuse! In normal relationships, it is reciprocated back and together you BOTH fall deeply in love. But with a Narcissist they dangle this love in front of you and then pull it away and make you basically beg to get it back – they use this love as a tool to disable us! The Narcissist is grooming you in this back-and-forth manner to make you dependent on them. It is dehumanizing how they psychologically abuse a good and loving person to beg for their acceptance and love, especially when they initiated the whole process by tricking us into loving them to only bring us to our knees. There is nothing simple as it concerns being brainwashed or psychologically abused in this manner.

A Narcissist sets this all-in motion with purpose and intent. The confusion keeps you frozen in time, vulnerable and blind to the reality that they are managing you down. This is the method to their madness to keep you/us right there with these distorted messages and traumatized while they are away securing other supply, betraying you or whatever they have going on. You are left isolated and attacking your own reality through their words and actions. They start the abuse, and you finish it by going through the motions of blaming yourself and trying to make sense out of this darkness they left you in. REMEMBER in the beginning the Narcissist preceded this horrendous managing down (devaluation) with their ‘love bombing.’ We saw it (and still see it) as a viable relationship, but in fact it was part of their agenda to gain our trust first, then objectify us to harvest supply. An object just needs to be what it is and serve a purpose. If it does not function in this capacity, it is replaced. We are not objects but the Narcissist has to manage us down, control and essentially we become one because THAT IS WHAT WE WERE GROOMED TO BE! Stop believing in what was never there in the first place. Do whatever it takes to reason this out with the truth that you already know and finally break this cycle of abuse that disabled you and has you down for the count. No/minimal contact to completely stop the madness and abuse. Greg

We must be able to recognize that this relationship was not based on love, but upon control tactics (fear, shame, and guilt), unmet emotional needs, dysfunctional dependency, brainwashing, betrayal, constant managing down and projection from the Narcissist to accept all of the blame – or emotional and psychological ABUSE!

We must be able to recognize that this relationship was not based on love, but upon control tactics (fear, shame, and guilt), unmet emotional needs, dysfunctional dependency, brainwashing, betrayal, constant managing down and projection from the Narcissist to accept all of the blame – or emotional and psychological ABUSE!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

WE have bought into the lies that this Narcissist has told us! “No one will ever love you as much as me.” “You’ll never find anyone as wonderful as me.” “You’re crazy if you think anyone else would want you.” “You don’t know how lucky you are that I put up with you.” “You owe me after everything I did for you.” GUESS WHAT they believe this BS and nonsense because they are disordered and damaged and have created this false persona that supports their delusions and failures. They leave a trail of destruction that goes way back to the first days they were able to speak. We were managed down to accept these lies hook, line, and sinker and sadly pair the brainwashing with an exceedingly small handful of good memories and somehow, we hung onto this. This brainwashing was an immensely powerful and distorted belief that kept us from moving on and then disables us AFTER THE FACT making it difficult to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone new AND WITH OURSELVES.

Despite the relentless abuse, rage episodes, mind games, projection, gas-lighting, and demoralization, SOMEHOW, we believe we are still in love with these Narcissists on some level and possibly feel we will always love them. These messages continuously play behind all our attempts to reach closure and YES through our recovery. This is part of the recovery, and we must live it and resolve it too! This attitude or thought process is evidence of how the emotionally abusive Narcissist brainwashes or programs their targets to keep believing in them. It is akin to an addiction, and our addiction became this Narcissist because of their negative conditioning that made us try to fix our situation with them and make this a cohesive relationship once more. A drug alters our mind when we ingest it and brainwashing and programming/conditioning from a Narcissist ALSO alters our mind when we ingest and internalize their messages coupled with the emotional abuse they inflict. Like an addict that will continually justify their returning to the drug of choice EVEN though it is damaging their mind and life and is basically destroying them because the addiction message keeps the addict going back. That message is also in us and more like a distorted dependency that causes us to relapse until we desensitize it completely. The message has altered our mind to believe in the Narcissist against all the odds and truth that they are bad for us. In time with education and support we will deprogram this message and be desensitized to it. But we have to always be cognizant of the fact that the message was conditioned or programed into our subconscious, and we must destroy it so it doesn’t start replaying itself or we will fall backwards into the abuse pattern again. Love is a powerful emotion and that is what this Narcissist used in this conditioning to gain our trust and keep us believing in them.

It is a fact of life that it takes time to grieve the loss of a significant relationship and that includes normal and ABNORMAL ones. No matter how abusive your Narcissist is/was, you still need to mourn the loss because it was portrayed as normal to you (just more of the brainwashing.) This may be confusing because ending a relationship with an abuser should ultimately feel like an act of liberation and freedom, but for many it is also experienced as a huge loss. It is not the reality of the loss of the monster Narcissist, but the loss of the fantasy image that was constructed in your head by the ‘love bombing’ agenda. You are only wishing back a mirage that never existed. In reality this is just a false image that had very few fleeting moments of real sanity. The man or woman as well as the relationship you loved, and miss do not exist! What exists and remains in your mind is the ‘what ifs,’ or if I only did this, that or what not, or worked harder to fix this’ THEN everything would have been OK. That is just DENIAL of the real truth that is was all lies and manipulation.

Add up all of those ‘what ifs’ and look at them closely. For example, “if only he/she were not so crazy,” or “If only he/she weren’t so cruel,” or “If only he/she wasn’t such a liar,” or “if only he/she wouldn’t have cheated,” Or “if only I would have tried harder to make this work.” None of that is realistic because no person should feel inclined to take blame for such outrageous justifications! There or no “ifs” when somebody is sadistic and dehumanizes you and your reality – only the truth that it was abusive.

Now think about what you could do to help them or what you have already done so many times to correct all the problems. Now put a spin on the real perspective that the Narcissist feels omnipotent and superior, follows no rules or laws in life, lies, manipulates, etc. Will this Narcissist all of a sudden turn over a new leaf because you are hurting and haven’t, they hurt you many times before? WELL, even when this Narcissist is hurling the most abusive poison at you, in their mind, they believe that they are being magnanimous for pointing out the error of your ways, so you can improve yourself and be the person THEY DESERVE. In their mind, you should be grateful that they take time from their busy schedule to criticize, abuse and be condescending to you. When they cheated on you it is because you deserved it for not meeting their every need and they justify it as being your fault that they had to find WHAT THEY NEEDED elsewhere. They see nothing wrong with it, or that they lied to cover it up, BUT you better never do the same thing to them. By the way, factor into this equation just what is it that you did wrong in the first place? Nothing! The sun rises and sets on them. They create all the rules and never abide by any of them. This is what a Narcissist does – AVOIDS reality and allow themselves the freedom to do anything they want at will because they are completely entitled to do so no matter how it may harm somebody else EVEN their own biological children! Also remember they are NOT wired with empathy, they cannot bond, love, or even care about people – all their needs come from EXTERNAL stimulation or objectifying people to use them. So how do we fix any of that? We DON’T.

You DON’T bargain with someone so that they treat you better. Being treated with kindness, decency, consideration, respect, and acceptance should be a prerequisite for an intimate relationship (or any relationship,) not something you are rewarded with by meeting one (or many) of the Narcissist’s unreasonable demands or if the Narcissist is trying to manipulate you into fulfilling their agenda by making you a source of supply. Either a person is capable of a reciprocal relationship, or they are not. It does not matter what you do or how nice, patient and understanding you are with a Narcissist. They are what they are or a controlling, cruel, abusive, emotional predator, and bully. You cannot appease a bully or persuade them to be nice to you. If you do, they will only see you as weak and bulldoze you more and that is what the Narcissist does in the devaluation stage. This predator will always devalue and discard EVERY person that has some sort of relationship with them. They are omnipotent and superior in their own minds. They are damaged, dysfunctional, and destructive abusers – but you will NEVER get them to see this or admit to it.

The whys that you reacted as you did to this Narcissist are personal to you just as they were personal to me, BUT you must get to them so you can move forward with new boundaries! You have to stay on course every day with some kind of support like you are in a recovery program with strong objectives and follow this path completely to recovery. There are many online support sites to accomplish this. You must accept that when you fall down that you have to get right back up with a new lesson. You also have to stay on course with the truth that this was abuse. You have to deprogram those messages that keep playing in the back of your mind that this was real love, and you can fix this. You must get back to reality, and the way you use to live and love life – AND you will because you know that way of life! YOU ARE THE HEALTHY AND AMAZING PERSON HERE and have the ability to make healthy changes once you deprogram the old messages. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment with a Narcissist as it concerns any other human being on this planet – people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use abuse and discard at will. It is a very controlled mechanism in their arsenal of abuse.

There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment with a Narcissist as it concerns any other human being on this planet – people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use abuse and discard at will. It is a very controlled mechanism in their arsenal of abuse.

From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

You cannot have reality in a situation where there is none, especially a situation that is embellished with toxic behavior to push your buttons, play with your emotions, and take you to your lowest level. The Narcissist will ultimately step up the game of their abuse with betrayal, many sexual indiscretions, pathological lies, gas-lighting, etc., but again this starts out as a slow and very ambiguous abuse. Unfortunately, it disables the target/victim’s capacity to function normally within the relationship and then it is too late because the target/victim is somewhere between their emotional connection (love) and the vast confusion caused by the debasing and dehumanizing psychological warfare.

 The narcissist has successfully developed strong and shrewd communication skills that basically invalidate and manipulate our own perceptions about ourselves and distort all logic and reasoning rendering OUR communication with them useless. All interpersonal communication becomes twisted, and an opportunity to make us feel invalidated, wrong, and basically worthless. This within itself is often overlooked (the subtle abuse) but it is as dangerous as any of their other tools in the arsenal of Narcissistic abuse!

 Many, if not all Narcissists get away with psychological terrorism and they murder their targets self-esteem, mind, and soul. Be it bullying, slander, or abuse, things that should be prosecutable offenses and they do this all of their lives. So just how do they get away with it all without any consequences AND why do people believe them? WELL, first off because the Narcissist KNOWS that they are creating outrageous and dehumanizing acts against people and humanity, so they also think up ways to avoid the consequences, especially because of what they fear the most – EXPOSURE!

SO, they ALSO plan a preemptive attack on their victims by backstabbing and smearing you to those in your immediate circle. The big plan! That shrewd Narcissist destroys the victim’s credibility in advance. They are by far NOT geniuses, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you want to get away with abusing someone, you first launch an effective pre-emptive attack on their character, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when the truth finally starts emerging that they (target/victim) were abused. Here is the formula for the Narcissist to be successful at this – abuse and then accuse your target/victim of the very atrocity the Narcissist has committed and BOOM you are on top of your game to escape the exposure. They have been backstabbing/smearing us behind our backs from the very first day that we met them – but we were very distracted by the ‘love bombing’ and growing trust with this creature – just us being a normal and empathic human being. Meanwhile that dark Narcissistic creature was just plugging us into their cycle of abuse and building up their minions, flying monkeys or Narcissistic support soldiers.

The basic facts of life as it concerns those people that love to put themselves in the middle to judge others, or the Narcissists best friends and supporters or MINIONS – they are abusers too. BUT the bigger lesson of “damned if we do or damned if we don’t” is the culprit here too! Everybody knows that when somebody defends themselves from accusations with accusations, the majority will always believe the one who accused first and views the ‘defendant’ as the attacker, the scorned one and retaliating as if the target/victim were caught in OR did the outrageous things that the Narcissist has alleged. This is irrational, because the initial accuser (the Narcissist) is the attacker and there is no more reason to believe one party over the other, but people do! Lastly if we don’t make an attempt to stand up or defend our integrity, we are guilty by the design of the disordered Narcissist’s smear campaign. No win situation for the target or victim, especially when they are already vulnerable by the ABUSE and basically a shell of a person.

 So, what a Narcissist puts into motion is pathologically treating us like dirt and maligning us behind our backs to control and destroy us. They are predators that are pre-loaded with delusion, psychopathy, and abuse. This seriously puts Narcissists in their own special class with Psychopaths or like a branch from the same Psychopath tree. The class of people who do not wish you or any other human being any sense of well-being, no matter what or how friendly, caring or loving their façade is. This is the same class of predators as physical, sexual or ANY other kind of abusive predator and Narcissists are just as dangerous. Seriously we MUST internalize Narcissists really are predators and dangerous, but many people just do not appreciate the true meaning or the reality of Narcissistic abuse basically letting it in one ear and out the other as the saying goes! Greg

LOTS of information today! With a Narcissist, you are NEVER an individual with any needs of your own – you are cast as a performer to serve their needs

LOTS of information today! With a Narcissist, you are NEVER an individual with any needs of your own – you are cast as a performer to serve their needs. It was a role you were emotionally manipulated and conned in and out of and you were only dehumanized, subjugated, and objectified by a personality disordered person each and every time they needed you as supply. Everything else ‘in between’ was just their psychopathy and games that kept you so locked up in confusion and believing!

From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

What does a Narcissist do when we demand our individuality or ask to be treated as a person SHOULD be? They manage us down into the smallest pieces they can and act out to control us, silence us, and make us feel small and worthless. They have numerous tools in their arsenal, but the most efficient of all is replacing us with another person when we do not acquiesce to ALL of their needs – it is just what they do because they cannot bond beyond using us for what we have and what they need so they will just find someone else to replace us. What is the message the Narcissist is sending? It is no big deal to find another person to fill your shoes. This truth is crazy to comprehend, but it depicts the true nature of a relationship with a Narcissist, and they just go on with life switching out their partners like buying a new pair of shoes – everyone is an object that takes a turn in the Narcissist’s life.

Think about it in real and practical terms. When we are talking about the ‘real’ relationship with a Narcissist remember this if you will remember anything – the relationship with a Narcissist is NOTHING that concerns romance, unconditional love, bonding, or a healthy relationship that grows with them, we are talking about the subjugation of an object and WE are that object. Yes, Narcissists exploit their partners just as if they were an inanimate object that they will replace or throw out in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, they play a great game of making us believe we are more than that because it is all part of the mechanics, they use to pull us into their agenda to become their latest object. That charm or love bombing is the trap they set for every target soon to be victim!

A Narcissist will find a way to put a partner in their ‘designated position’ or better yet a dehumanizing and disabling role that is only meant to consistently numb the victim or keep them in that fog of confusion to basically serve the Narcissist’s sadistic needs. A Narcissist tears down a partner’s equality and worth with many manipulative and devious steps that steal away his/her power AND the Narcissist in turn empowers themselves through this controlling behavior. These are highly insecure and envious creatures at heart that manipulate, betray, lie, cheat, extort and every other disabling thing they can do as well as hide the truth of their disordered nature. What else would you or could you do if you are akin to a fictional dark and empty creature like a vampire but seek out and find victims to suck the life force out of. A Narcissist will always find a way to unleash their toxic waste or sewage on the rest of us. SO never try to grasp at the vision they have a happy, normal, and fulfilling life now or ever. Everyone that gets to know your Narcissist will only become their next target for their fake and psychotic pursuits that define their abuse.

Most if not all targets/victims are generous, trusting, normal, and kind people and basically therefore the Narcissist was attracted to you because your empathy and love was strong and in place for this Narcissist to exploit. It is a fact that Narcissists are sadistic, cruel, and insensitive and their actions toward people are very painful. It is cruel, dehumanizing, and basically criminal what they do to normal, loving, and good people AND it is impossible for us to wrap our heads around it all but remember Narcissists are not normal by any means and they do not have the empathy that we possess. They are unable to feel, sense or appreciate feelings, compassion, or other people’s needs. They do not acknowledge, or respect boundaries and they will consistently trample them down, especially when they are discarding you and moving onto their NEXT victim. When you are wondering or worried about them and not caring for yourself, they are not considering anything as it concerns YOUR well-being or the hurt you are feeling because they just do not care. A Narcissist is always so absorbed with THEMSELVES and after that horrendous discard you are just the past, but they will wring every last ounce of attention (good or bad) out of you before dumping you especially when they are moving on to their next victim – BUT and really know this because it is huge – only if you let them!

NEVER fall into the trap of trying to redeem yourself with them because you are only reacting to more of their manipulation because they WANT to confuse you even more to keep you so far away from the truth. You cannot ever fix the past with them, change them, rescue them, save them, or communicate with them. If you do, they will just set you up to manage you down MORE and drag you back for a little or a LOT more of their abuse. A bit of advice from this survivor, and that is find ways to stop yourself from trying to re-connect with your Narcissist. You must stop completely and ignore your Narcissist with the strongest boundaries you can create! Remember, every minute you let them sit in your thoughts YOU lose a little bit more of yourself and you have already given up too much! Do not let them occupy space in your heart and mind once you know the truth about what they are – DISCARD them from your heart and mind forever.

ALL of their repressed feelings from the damage they inflicted on so many people they avoid like the plague, and they just don’t deal with it. They do not want to struggle with blaming themselves because the real truth would make them implode. Yes, they do not care about what they have done, but remember that is how they are wired or how they rewired themselves and their internal mechanics. Their life is built on this premise, so it is also their reality (or basically lack of reality). Their extreme denial represses anything that would blame them as being the problem and that is buried so deep in them and a huge part of their world or a working mechanism in their disordered personality. Clinically they dump all of this through projection or basically blaming you in a disordered and dysfunctional method for everything they have done to you. Think back to things they have accused you of or the crazy and nonsensical arguments and how you would shake your head in disbelief wondering where they came up with this garbage – that was them projecting and dumping their toxic waste onto YOU.

That is why their lives are spent running a marathon or from one trivial distraction to another, and another because they must keep their mind busy and AWAY from the real truth of who and what they are. In my estimation, it is pathetic when you catch on to what they are doing. Remember that they were doing this when they were with us, always searching for something or someone else and BLAMING us because we just did not offer everything they needed – but you, me and everyone else gave everything they had. This is why so many Narcissists are also addicts too, but basically they are addicted to their own neediness and seeking out some sort of external attention. All these creatures are doing is trying to escape their fate of ultimately being alone because of how damaged they are, BUT they never seek out any form of help to fix themselves. Unfortunately, they are not cuddly creatures that you can love and help because they will devour you to protect themselves from seeing their own reflection and reality and this is why they abuse us. They can’t face themselves, so they ultimately blame and destroy each and every person that becomes involved in their life and calls them out for their abusive ways.

Narcissists HATE to lose so they must wage a war and WILL only pursue a victory (in their mind only)! With any argument or even the discard he/she is not pursuing YOU to get you back and make proper amends, but it may LOOK like they are pursuing you. The Narcissist wants to put things right back to the way they are SUPPOSED to be with them psychologically abusing your mind and controlling your every move. Remember if you give in, forgive, adore, and admire this creature AND take him/her back they WILL incorporate some punishment for you “abandoning” them. They want you back but on their own terms, with the same degree of selfishness, psychopathy, AND abuse. Nothing has changed and if you respond to him/her and give them another chance, you will regret it and keep ending up at the same place over and over again AND one day discarded completely. The story ends the same way with every relationship.

It is a vicious cycle that will only destroy you if you keep repeating it. If the Narcissist can keep you under his/her control AND they will manage you down deeper and deeper into their abuse and having a very happy time of it indeed. I hate to admit it, but I was guilty of this for 8 months after my relationship ended, but the positive thing is that I finally ‘got it’ and moved on and away from more abuse. I just didn’t understand the dynamics completely enough at the time, so I kept stumbling through it.

Your only hope for success is to completely go no contact or minimal contact if you have children together. You cannot still be friends or have the occasional e-mail or ANY contact whatsoever. Narcissists who have been dumped or abandoned you will NOT be normal ‘ex’s’ any more than they were normal partners because they are abusive. Respond to a Narcissist in any manner and he/she will without a doubt hurt you and devalue you again. Every little contact, every chance encounter, will set you back in recovering from what has been a psychologically traumatic experience for you. This was a toxic bond and not any type of NORMAL relationship that will yield anything near a normal closure with them. Remember you cannot heal from the trauma you are experiencing by reconnecting to the source because it will only add more and more layers of that same trauma. If you are going to recover from this, you MUST stay away from them. You WILL eventually get a clearer vision of reality once your mind gets some well-deserved peace AWAY from their chaos, manipulation, and abusive ways.

If you were married and have kids together, the Narcissist will make your divorce proceedings a living hell just like they did in your marriage. The Narcissist will act like they cannot wait to get rid of you, and then stall and impede the divorce as much as humanly possible just to make sure you know who’s in control. And that is BEFORE the real nightmare begins, with the custody arrangements. You need to stay strong to get through this, AND then you still must deal with them until the kids are grown.

I hope this information helps you understand that a Narcissist is in this only for themselves. You were never a part of anything but instead a part of their agenda to extort your reality and life and to entertain themselves. Mine played and still plays the same music but I have plugs in my ears and blinders around my eyes and I just do not buy into any of the attempts or the garbage at all. I have moved on and found my place, happiness, and love again. This Narcissist will NEVER have a chance of ever knowing me again or even getting near to it no matter what game this Narcissist plays at. No contact means never again! I had the truth that gave me the vision I needed to return to a complete life of happiness and love, and so will you if you only allow it. You must get out of the darkness to experience the light again and get back to a real life that you once knew. You will see goodness once you leave this distorted creature and their negative messages completely behind you. Give yourself that chance every day – you can never look back if you seriously want to move forward. Please stop believing the lie! No/minimal contact! Greg

YOU are OK (never doubt this) – the many symptoms of dread, defeat, anxiousness, etc., that you experience in a relationship with a Narcissist are purposely inflicted upon YOU. So it is very important to understand that this abuse STARTS from the very first day you encounter a Narcissist.

YOU are OK (never doubt this) – the many symptoms of dread, defeat, anxiousness, etc., that you experience in a relationship with a Narcissist are purposely inflicted upon YOU. So it is very important to understand that this abuse STARTS from the very first day you encounter a Narcissist. The devaluation has NOTHING to do with YOU and everything to do with how they will always devalue EVERY person they meet. We must also understand that we are there for a reason and conned/trapped into their agenda – and that is as a source of supply. Along with that are the MANY tools that are associated with the abuse like gaslighting that can and will harm a person emotionally and psychologically. There is never a REAL issue with a solution with a Narcissist – it is always and only the creation and continuance of the issue to maintain the chaos and control! A little education on the subtle, slow effective day to day gas-lighting tactics of a Narcissist that disables our LOGIC, spirit, and self-esteem. Narcissists are gatherers of information that they will distort it in every possible way to DAMAGE and destroy their targets/victim’s confidence and self-esteem or basically erasing their victim’s personality!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist has successfully developed deceptive and shrewd communication skills/actions that basically invalidate and manipulate our own perceptions about ourselves and distort all logic and reasoning – this is called gas-lighting and it renders OUR communication with them useless because they are looking for that reaction from us to further diminish us. All interpersonal communication becomes twisted, and an opportunity to make us feel invalidated, wrong, and basically worthless. This within itself is often overlooked (the subtle abuse) but it is as dangerous as any of their other tools in the arsenal of Narcissistic abuse! DON’T ENGAGE with them!

Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there.

They attack your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to “push your buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.”

Basically, they weaponize words as well as use the familiarity they gained from CHARMING us into trusting them to seek out our weaknesses. Very tricky creatures — using their well-placed words to gain our hearts and trust first and then they sneak into our heads afterwards to seek out our secrets, fears, and insecurities and weaponize those to use against us.

They are very unpredictable with their day-to-day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable/normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos and gas-lighting!).

This behavior is damaging, and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what is expected of you – that is the plan! You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused, and controlled waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO act so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun, and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is control to keep you constantly disabled.

They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain CONTROL over you. Be it making fun of us, belittling us, criticizing us, name calling, screaming at us, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making us the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you. They must have control over all people to basically hide the truth of WHO THEY ARE – and will resort to whatever works tp maintain that control over their targets/victims. There is never an issue with a solution – it is always and only the continuance of the issue to maintain the chaos and control!

Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above) – somewhere you are LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong, and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give, it is never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you do not fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.

Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts, and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!

A Narcissist does not acknowledge individuality or even like other people (remember we are just objects to use.) Along with this premise the Narcissist does not care about being liked – THEY DEMAND to be admired, feared, and favored, (as well as completely extorting their targets to get supply.) They do not care about getting along with people, and a Narcissist is no more capable of considering the consequences of their actions than a rock would. There is no consideration for anybody or anything with a Narcissist and nothing is ever about whatever it REALLY is, instead it is always all about their omnipotence, superiority, or ego instead or their fake façade. They MUST exploit EVERY single interaction with us to gratify THEIR needy ego at your ego’s expense or even DESTRUCTION. There is no end to it. It is exasperating and you never get through that brick wall a Narcissist throws up in front of you constantly, so always remember how much time you have tried to break down barriers to “fix” things. Everything would just bounce back to you as more blame and shame from the Narcissist. It was a relationship that was meant to deny you every bit of gratification or any “giving” from the Narcissist and instead “taking” every bit of gratification (supply) they could for their vast needy void.

This abuse is akin to being a prisoner of war with brainwashing, gas-lighting, extreme manipulation of facts, or psychological terrorism. Some of those areas that become affected are our attention span, our day-to-day memory, how we process things in our daily life, our long/short term memory, how we see and hear things AND our logic and reasoning abilities. AGAIN, this is basically brainwashing in an effort to slowly but methodically break us down and render us useless as an independent thinking and speaking being – Narcissist do not allow individuality because they are cruel dictators. This is what describes the abuse, and this is what is damaging to the target/victim’s well-being as far as it concerns the psychological abuse that is imposed on you/us. The most striking aspect of this is that it is dealt to us in a slow and insidious manner like being around a slowly leaking and poisonous gas that has no apparent smell, so we don’t know the danger we are in because we take it in slowly and when we finally realize, the damage is already done.

The effects of these techniques persist even after the Narcissist has left the relationship. In fact, the influence of their mind control can last for years, and it is surprisingly frequent that a narcissist will contact a previous target/victim and the target/victim will happily start up the relationship again, thinking that this time will be different, because the Narcissist has promised this – well they will only step up the game to trick you and drag you back into the abuse! The ONLY way is to go NO/minimal contact by DISCARDING this toxic Narcissist comp0letely from your life – from there you CAN begin healing to get back to a healthy life. Greg

We need to understand the PERSONAL dynamics behind this abuse!

We need to understand the PERSONAL dynamics behind this abuse! This describes just how the Narcissist maligns or manages down all people with subtle to complex emotional and psychological manipulation and gaslighting – especially when you do not agree with them. Nobody could EVER find any common ground with them because there is never consistency or stability in any of their thoughts, actions, or words and that is because there is NOT a real functioning person there. It is always and ONLY about their agenda or what they want — so they will always create a conflict UNLESS they are charming you because again, they WANT something. They do this so they can manage us down to a level lower than the last, until they have us in a place where we feel that we cannot do anything right and are worthless.

From my book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

The Narcissist has successfully developed strong and shrewd communication skills that basically invalidate and manipulate our own perceptions about ourselves and distort all logic and reasoning rendering OUR connection and communication with them useless. All interpersonal communication becomes twisted, and an opportunity to make us feel invalidated, wrong, and basically worthless. This within itself is often overlooked (the subtle abuse) but it is as dangerous as any of their other tools in the arsenal of Narcissistic abuse!

Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there.

Attacking your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your “buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.”.

The Narcissist can and will even go so far as always threatening “your security” with them which could include ending the relationship if you do not conform, dating other people, affairs, silencing or use other controlling terrorist/fear tactics.

They are very unpredictable with their day-to-day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable/normal person.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion (gaslighting) OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (again chaos and gas-lighting!).

This behavior is damaging, and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what is expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused, and controlled waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO act so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun, and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is control to keep you constantly disabled.

They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain CONTROL over you. Be it making fun of us, belittling us, criticizing us, name calling, screaming at us, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making us the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you. They must have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.

Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above) – somewhere you are LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong, and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give, it is never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you do not fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.

Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it, or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts, and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!

The Narcissist has used their effective manipulative and cognitive skills by putting you on the defensive and reacting (this is what they want) and using/distorting your personal conversation and thoughts against you to triangulate. Relationships are not supposed to do that. A conversation like this as it concerns support in any relationship is not a court of law where one person is the judge, jury and prison guard AND town gossip. A successful relationship requires healthy communication skills. Healthy communication skills require sane and healthy cognitive thinking from both parties. There is nothing healthy or sane about a disordered and abusive Narcissist.

In any type of relationship when communication and thoughts are not nurtured in a process to validate another person, all areas of the relationship are affected. Communication is the open door that allows two people to exchange cognitive and personal thoughts, to enable growth. We are independent beings that have purpose, and we exchange our thoughts normally by accepting our relative differences. The Narcissist manipulates in such a way to cause false interpretations of all our cognitive processes to distort reality and make them fail and become disabled. When we are manipulated in this manner it affects those important skills that we use on a daily basis. It is like we lose our motivation to be effective with simple matters in our personal life or even block our ability to concentrate and learn because we were manipulated in a manner to constantly question ourselves from someone, we BELIEVED we could trust and more than likely someone we loved. This is betrayal in the most extreme manner and describes just how sick a Narcissist is to use our love to create and administer their hate and destruction – AND WHY? Our mind is linked to so many internal processes, and when it is psychologically wounded, other areas will also be affected just like a disease that will spread unless treated – even causing physical damage. It can take its toll and cause long term problems linked to trauma.

THIS is how they control their targets. It is so important for us to have clarity that this is situational abuse and psychological/emotional terrorism so we can desensitize the toxic messages they have planted in our minds and heart. Beat them to the punch by shutting them down before they can use their manipulative ‘wordplay’ against you. No/minimal contact. Greg

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