Passive-Aggressive Red Flags

Psychopaths and Ns, as well as other abusers often massively use passive aggressive tactics, as well as overt and covert aggression. They are indicators that the person is not willing to take responsibility for their interactions. They are signposts for us as well…….
How do you recognize a “red flag?” It will be a thought or concern that jumps out at you that you quickly rationalize, excuse, or justify…. They are surfacing for a reason, pay attention when they do….

RED FLAG

JUSTIFICATION

REALITY

Showed no anger Did not see it as a problem Should have, everyone gets angry, surfaced later; indirectly, covertly…
Committed Adultery Everyone makes mistakes Never admitted to making a mistake…When asked why they broke up, said, “she bitched too much.”
Indirectly blamed ex-wife for everything Thought how terrible she must have been, she didn’t understand him Didn’t make himself understood, later it was implied that all problems were my fault as well.
Appeared to have had a lot of misfortune but would not “talk about it”. Felt very sorry for him, felt that he needed someone to love and treat him well. A martyr….carries around old wounds like a badge of honor…
1st trip together, asked another couple to go along without informing me, or asking me Shy Intimacy problems, not to mention no regard for my preferences
Showed more sensitivity and concern for others than for me Thought eventually I would “earn” his respect, concenrn, etc. No one should have to earn “respect” for their feelings
Wouldn’t talk about prior relationships/hispast or communicate about our relationship Shy, introverted Hiding something? Emotionally shut down…Communication is a must in any relationship
Relative told me that I was good for him Boost to my ego Should have questioned why he needed someone to “be good for him”
Another relative said that he was cold and unfeeling Again, thought he was misunderstood, was treating me well He was cold and unfeeling once we were married…should have questioned why a relative would say that….
Ask me to sell my home, and move into one he co-owned with a relative which he planned on “giving” to that relative at a later date I was very angry when this happened. This should have stopped me in my tracks…and sent me running…realizing that I would always be last on the list….
  1. I was seeing a guy and I actually thought he really cared for me, OMG he was Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde . Always getting questioning me trying to keep tabs on me. He admitted a year later that he was a narcissist. That explains his mood swings, anger, excuses,talking down to me, belittling me. He wanted me to believe he was the victim
    He was a sweet and very charming man at first and I finally had to let go. Too much drama. I’m single and free and I’m getting on with my life 😃

    Like

  2. I am married to a narcissist/bipolar/multiple personality disorder drug addict person. The man that I met and married is NOT the same MAN who I am married to today, NO we DID NOT get a divorce, my husband just revealed to me who he really was!!! By this time I had my heart and soul invested in my marriage and nobody was/is going to tell me that my marriage is doomed…. I love my husband, and I know that he is very sick physically and emotionally and mentally and yet there’s still a part of me that is asking myself, does he really know what he’s doing to me or not or does he care that he is breaking my heart on a daily basis….

    Like

  3. After having a terrible abusive relationship for 11years and finding it difficult to get out. Then I meet an amazing man or so I thought. Then it started similar things as before. Getting angry for an excuse to leave,treating me like garbage. then he threw me across room kicked me. Then said no one would believe me. Funny cause my cell phone recorded it accidentally. Anyway I just wondered what happened to being faithful? Then I find naked pictures of some chick, how conveniant they were taken the day he did those things n left. Worst part is he took them on the old cell I lent him. Now I am alone n hurt at Christmas while he could care less……

    Like

    • wow I was in the same place on Xmas and till this day i still hurt from a 8 year relationship and hearing how he kicked you and through you across the room. He was going to do me the same last time I saw him. He even has a profile on a porn site and he denied it too. Go be free and turn to God and he will show you his will. These types or relationships are a reflection of being a slave to man.

      Like

  4. My Narc ex Mother in law used to belittle her victim husband in front of me, elevating me by telling me how tall and handsome I looked and telling him how small he looked next to me.
    One Christmas eve, while doing this, using me to hurt her husband (not to mention the flirtatious nature of her comments) I told her to “Zip it”
    It took and few times before she walked away, I knew I was in trouble
    .
    Christmas day.

    Mother in law always made a huge fuss over me by cooking food and cakes that were gluten /wheat free etc.

    So, “Sorry you won’t be able to eat the gravy (on your christmas dinner) as it has wheat in”
    “No worries”

    “Sorry but you won’t be able to eat the Roast Potatoes as they have coating on which contains wheat”
    (by this time I am smiling and laughing to myself, having realised what was going on)
    “No worries, Ill just eat the meat and Veg”

    “Would you like bread sauce?” (lifting up the sauce dispenser and offering me some)
    She them breathes out deeply like a sigh of relief (as she had vented her anger without expressing her actual feelings).

    By this time I am almost wetting myself, but in reality this had serious consequences for her victim husband who had complexity aqueised and lost “himself” to his wife, and later for me as I challenged her daughters narc behaviour, and its effects on my own health.

    Like

  5. My Ns husband and his (I believe to be) Ns daughter have begun meeting for happy hours. I’m sure I have become the bad guy with both of them. And they both relish the ‘dirt’ they can get on their respective spouses. I am not able currently to leave this relationship although I have minimized contact with both of them as much as possible. I have let him know that I think he is having an emotional affair with his daughter. He was furious and has been avoiding me as much as possible. I am perfectly fine with that. I also posted on FB a good list of 8 traits to look for if you’re being abused. I didn’t say I was the one being abused although I guess you could say it was implied. (My husband is not a ‘friend’ and I have blocked him so as far as I know he has not seen this post, although I wouldn’t put it past his daughter to give him her passwords, in which case, it’s ok if he sees that post) His daughter was furious. I could tell because she posted on FB not 2 hours later about “dirty laundry” not belonging on FB. Hmmmm. Dirty Laundry? More like a crack in her very perfectly constructed perfect life (impression management). I had multiple red flags in our relationship and for years I knew something was wrong but couldn’t figure it out. I just passively let him manipulate, hoover me back in (we’ve separated several times). I have not taken care of myself financially until now. I let him, in the past, control everything. He has let me believe that I get our house if something happens to him (I don’t, it will get split with his kids). I sold a piece of property that I had before we were married, it all went to community property. We sold a rental house that was supposed to be for my retirement. It went to community property. I will have 1/2 half of our house and a meager Social Security income to live on if something happens to him (before I knew of an expected inheritance). I am 70 years old and have finally learned to take care of myself although it is a little late. But better late than never. I save every penny of my meager Social Security income (not considered community property, it’s in a separate account). I have a good to very good inheritance coming some day (God bless my Dad). I take care of our house, manage the maintenance (he absolutely will not, does not do that, the house would fall down around our ears), take care of our pets, do the cleaning and cooking, food shopping. He works part time. Every penny he makes he spends on himself. He has a good retirement that pays the bills. I have, after a few years of him managing our bills, taken that over again, and am getting bills paid off. Did not happen when he was managing it. He just blamed me for my household money that I control, not being spent the way he wanted. In other words, my fault. Now that I am doing the bills, I still get that household money, and I am saving money and paying off bills. We no longer go out to eat, our only social life. That was always done at my suggestion anyway, I see now so he could blame me for that money being spent. I have read numerous self-help books in my lifetime trying to understand what was wrong. It’s been just in the last 3 or 4 years that I finally realized the truth of what was happening: that I was married to a psychopath/Ns and that I have been manipulated, lied to, and used for our entire married life. Information about psychopaths/narcissists is readily available on the internet now. Was I just missing it in the bookstores or is it just not there? The therapists I’ve been to (admittedly not many) have been expensive and not helpful at all. In the end I feel very fortunate for many things, my Dad (he has given me a world of hope), blogs like this, my health. The best thing? The amazing ability to spot a Ns from a mile away!!!

    Like

Thoughts or Feelings you'd like to share?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: