Passive-Aggressive Red Flags

Psychopaths and Ns, as well as other abusers often massively use passive aggressive tactics, as well as overt and covert aggression. They are indicators that the person is not willing to take responsibility for their interactions. They are signposts for us as well…….
How do you recognize a “red flag?” It will be a thought or concern that jumps out at you that you quickly rationalize, excuse, or justify…. They are surfacing for a reason, pay attention when they do….

RED FLAG

JUSTIFICATION

REALITY

Showed no anger Did not see it as a problem Should have, everyone gets angry, surfaced later; indirectly, covertly…
Committed Adultery Everyone makes mistakes Never admitted to making a mistake…When asked why they broke up, said, “she bitched too much.”
Indirectly blamed ex-wife for everything Thought how terrible she must have been, she didn’t understand him Didn’t make himself understood, later it was implied that all problems were my fault as well.
Appeared to have had a lot of misfortune but would not “talk about it”. Felt very sorry for him, felt that he needed someone to love and treat him well. A martyr….carries around old wounds like a badge of honor…
1st trip together, asked another couple to go along without informing me, or asking me Shy Intimacy problems, not to mention no regard for my preferences
Showed more sensitivity and concern for others than for me Thought eventually I would “earn” his respect, concenrn, etc. No one should have to earn “respect” for their feelings
Wouldn’t talk about prior relationships/hispast or communicate about our relationship Shy, introverted Hiding something? Emotionally shut down…Communication is a must in any relationship
Relative told me that I was good for him Boost to my ego Should have questioned why he needed someone to “be good for him”
Another relative said that he was cold and unfeeling Again, thought he was misunderstood, was treating me well He was cold and unfeeling once we were married…should have questioned why a relative would say that….
Ask me to sell my home, and move into one he co-owned with a relative which he planned on “giving” to that relative at a later date I was very angry when this happened. This should have stopped me in my tracks…and sent me running…realizing that I would always be last on the list….
  1. After having a terrible abusive relationship for 11years and finding it difficult to get out. Then I meet an amazing man or so I thought. Then it started similar things as before. Getting angry for an excuse to leave,treating me like garbage. then he threw me across room kicked me. Then said no one would believe me. Funny cause my cell phone recorded it accidentally. Anyway I just wondered what happened to being faithful? Then I find naked pictures of some chick, how conveniant they were taken the day he did those things n left. Worst part is he took them on the old cell I lent him. Now I am alone n hurt at Christmas while he could care less……

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  2. My Ns husband and his (I believe to be) Ns daughter have begun meeting for happy hours. I’m sure I have become the bad guy with both of them. And they both relish the ‘dirt’ they can get on their respective spouses. I am not able currently to leave this relationship although I have minimized contact with both of them as much as possible. I have let him know that I think he is having an emotional affair with his daughter. He was furious and has been avoiding me as much as possible. I am perfectly fine with that. I also posted on FB a good list of 8 traits to look for if you’re being abused. I didn’t say I was the one being abused although I guess you could say it was implied. (My husband is not a ‘friend’ and I have blocked him so as far as I know he has not seen this post, although I wouldn’t put it past his daughter to give him her passwords, in which case, it’s ok if he sees that post) His daughter was furious. I could tell because she posted on FB not 2 hours later about “dirty laundry” not belonging on FB. Hmmmm. Dirty Laundry? More like a crack in her very perfectly constructed perfect life (impression management). I had multiple red flags in our relationship and for years I knew something was wrong but couldn’t figure it out. I just passively let him manipulate, hoover me back in (we’ve separated several times). I have not taken care of myself financially until now. I let him, in the past, control everything. He has let me believe that I get our house if something happens to him (I don’t, it will get split with his kids). I sold a piece of property that I had before we were married, it all went to community property. We sold a rental house that was supposed to be for my retirement. It went to community property. I will have 1/2 half of our house and a meager Social Security income to live on if something happens to him (before I knew of an expected inheritance). I am 70 years old and have finally learned to take care of myself although it is a little late. But better late than never. I save every penny of my meager Social Security income (not considered community property, it’s in a separate account). I have a good to very good inheritance coming some day (God bless my Dad). I take care of our house, manage the maintenance (he absolutely will not, does not do that, the house would fall down around our ears), take care of our pets, do the cleaning and cooking, food shopping. He works part time. Every penny he makes he spends on himself. He has a good retirement that pays the bills. I have, after a few years of him managing our bills, taken that over again, and am getting bills paid off. Did not happen when he was managing it. He just blamed me for my household money that I control, not being spent the way he wanted. In other words, my fault. Now that I am doing the bills, I still get that household money, and I am saving money and paying off bills. We no longer go out to eat, our only social life. That was always done at my suggestion anyway, I see now so he could blame me for that money being spent. I have read numerous self-help books in my lifetime trying to understand what was wrong. It’s been just in the last 3 or 4 years that I finally realized the truth of what was happening: that I was married to a psychopath/Ns and that I have been manipulated, lied to, and used for our entire married life. Information about psychopaths/narcissists is readily available on the internet now. Was I just missing it in the bookstores or is it just not there? The therapists I’ve been to (admittedly not many) have been expensive and not helpful at all. In the end I feel very fortunate for many things, my Dad (he has given me a world of hope), blogs like this, my health. The best thing? The amazing ability to spot a Ns from a mile away!!!

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