Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Narcissism

The Spectrum of Narcissism is on a Continuum.

Narcissism is a spectrum of behaviour that is prevalent in the human condition universally.  What this means is that we are all narcissistic to a degree, and the narcissistic traits can range on a continuum from 1 – 10, from what we call Healthy Narcissism (being a 1), all the way to a pathological form, called Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD (being a 10), with varying degrees in between.   When narcissism reaches a stage called “Malignant Narcissism” the person consistently manifests at least 5 of the 9 criteria necessary to put it into the category of being a mental disorder.

To the casual observer, telling the difference between a normal range narcissistic personality and a narcissistically disordered personality may not be very evident to begin with, because the difference is the difference between the individuals “intentions”.  The healthy narcissistic personality operates from a place of good will towards another person, while the unhealthy malignant disordered personality operates from a place of ill will towards another person, which naturally enough puts a chasm between them.

 Healthy Narcissism Style V’s Unhealthy Narcissism:Every human being craves approval.  This need for approval is driven by the ego in order to make us feel loved, important, powerful and in control, and perhaps even more importantly, to steer us away from any criticism, which can lead to feelings of  inferiority.    Adler (psychologist) believed that it was the pain of inferiority that motivated all human action to strive for a sense of superiority and perfection. This is natural, and is healthy narcissism in action, a normal defence that is essential for psychological health.  It is this action that protects us from painful disappointments, failures, and keeps us away from feelings of helplessness.  This boosting of our morale (Healthy Narcissism) is what motivates us to do better with our lives.

Healthy Narcissism:

However, with regard to narcissism, our structure of psychological well-being requires balance if it is to stay healthy; too little narcissism can be just as pathological as too much. Too little sense of narcissism leads to a lack of confidence and esteem.  Without confidence and esteem we become fearful, and this exposes us to feelings of inferiority; whereas too much (Unhealthy Narcissism), we risk the likelihood of having inflated egos, and putting ourselves in danger where we may compromise social cohesion in order to make ourselves stand out.  However, when one is balanced they have a healthy narcissism driving their ego forward.  The person sports a confident attitude where they are aware of their strengths and weaknesses of their personality, and they have both the negative and positive aspects available to them.   Because they “know their selves” they are able to have realistic expectations of their self, and their expectations fit comparatively with their abilities.  They are fully aware of being separate from others, and they have faith in their own set of ideas and ideals.  They use their healthy narcissism in a way that channels them in the direction of getting their needs meet, without having to disrespect or harm anybody else in the process.  It is in this healthy or mature narcissism that there is balanced giving and taking, and it is this balanced giving and taking that allows a person to enter into mutually satisfying relationships that last the test of time.  In this space there is a healthy respect for both the giver and the receiver to retain their uniqueness and independence with each other.  Both are equal, so there is no need for any “one-up-manship” or “one-down-manship” in the relationship.  Unhealthy narcissism on the other hand is in complete contrast.

Unhealthy Narcissism:

Where there is unhealthy narcissism, the individual manifests their behavior through a personality disorder, and therefore they are incapable of having a true reciprocal bond in any relationship.  They will operate through either one-downmanship (the practice of outdoing others in a negative way), or one-upmanship (the practice of any assertion of superiority).  For example, their need for one-down-man-ship is used when they have a need to idealize someone; whereas their one-upmanship is present when they need another person as a mirroring self-object (narcissistic supply) in order to confirm their specialness for them.  This does not usually last long, because all self-objects are eventually devalued once they have lost their functional one-upmanship.  They are then held in contempt, and discarded after there usefulness is used up.  It is nothing personal, it is how the unhealthy narcissist treats everybody; he/she uses, abuses, and discards, then goes on to the next victim with no remorse what so ever.

  1. If a narcissist has no remorse, does that make them a psychopath?


  2. Its ok to be all about you on your birthday. I was brought up not to never be the center of attention. My mother only celebrated bithdays within our home and only with family. I was never aloud to have a birthday party and invite friends. When it was her birthday I would send flowers and she would call and say why did you waste your money on flowers for my birthday. I really dont need anything. NOW as I look back. My mother has never had any real friend. She never invited anyone to her home. As normal people would. Consequently this really did effect me. I was never give any emotional tools to create friend bonds. And this also ended up in poor choices for husbands. Today I have learned alot on my own. Realizing that i will never marry again. Simply because of attaching myself to true narcissists for husbands x 2. It was painful but hard emotional lessons to learn. Now i psychoanylize everyone because i dont want to be used and abused again. But enjoying my life now and having fun with non narcissistic people. Whenever i meet a narcissistic person. I let them them know “this is not going to work” and good bye.


  3. …Im not positively sure if he a narcissist. But he has a lot of the traits. He was in my eyes the love of my life,he would give me his last dollar, spend money to shower me with gifts. Show me off to friends and colleagues. But all the while cheating, complimenting other women given out he cell number, lying, punishing me with silent. Being secretive, taking the battery out his phone. When things were going good, meaning l agree with whatever he wanted, he was charming, loving and all around great person. When l just couldn’t take it, meaning l felt like l had to walk on eggshells around him, and l would disagree with something l knew l was right about, l was punished with distance, silence, cold looks, are you f*****stupid, how dumb can you be. He has withheld sex up to a year, with excuses like l didn’t clean up quick enough, or lve said something so stupid and ridiculous weeks before and he’s stilI upset. I stayed in the relationship when he had a prostatectomy. We were together 16 yrs and l knew normal people conversed about important things, not him. We could joke and laugh about silly things, but never about real life issues…He was a master at deflecting questions, never truly answering. Never apologized about anything, turn his misdeeds around on me saying he did them because of something he thought l might have done. I cried so many times hoping that he would care about my feeling, to no avail. I would beg and apologize to make life easier. I hate that l still love him, but now that l know that he could possibly be a narcissist, lm on the road to recovery, lm not crazy, He Is…Right now we’re not together!!!


  4. I’m reaching out for help for being a victim of a spouse that’s a narcissist for 21.years. I’m totally not myself. Doing things I would have never done. Where or how do I get help for the way I’m feeling about myself. Please. Don’t know how to cope anymore


    • Hi, I just “happened” to read this and saw how recent your post was. I have just realized that I may be in this type of relationship. I am not myself either and it happened over the course of ten years, along with thyroid disease, thyroid surgery and female problems so I blame so many things, as did HE, on my health. I don’t know the answers, YET, but I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I will find my inner strength again. Someone very special, actually an ex boyfriend I happened to see, actually told not to let someone put out the inner light I always had in me. I did t realize how other people sa me before. Until now!
      Find your inner light again. It’s there!

      Merry Christmas!


    • I found the following website very insightful when trying to rationalize an irrational situation/person. The push/pull which just makes your head go tilt?! AND why we put up with it longer than is healthy for our well being & health mental &/or physical.


  5. Excellent read
    I can relate


  6. Worth mentioning is the rage after narcissistic injury. Most literature describes this as verbal or physical aggression, but it can be even worse – a carefully crafted plot to “take you down” – humiliate or sabotage you in some way. They can appear to lay low for weeks – then the planned coup blindsides you. It’s payback. All that time they were plotting, fuming, planning, ruminating, recruiting unwitting participants – and pulling strings to arrange your downfall. You are suddenly the enemy if you criticize them (imply a flaw) – suddenly devalued, they then declare war on you and because we are rational, it can be difficult to pinpoint why the war – such a small comment, which rational people would “get past,” can be the spark for them. Leaves you scratching your head and wondering – The quiet rage is the scariest – and most pathological. I wish this was addressed more often –

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I just found your blog thru Facebook and I am really appreciative! Thank you for such a through resource!


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