Characteristics of a Victim of a Narcissistic Abuser

Now that you have begun to see some Red Flag behaviors that are common to narcissists, let’s look at some feelings and behaviors frequently reported by the victims.

Feeling guilty for “making” the narcissist feel the way he does
Chronically confused about their partner’s sudden changes in behavior
Frequently exhausted from never knowing what might happen next
Feeling like they have to “walk on eggshells” to avoid “rocking the boat”
Coming home to find Dr. Jekyll and suddenly discovering Mr. Hyde, and never knowing what caused the change
Always apologizing for “never doing things right”
Trying to keep a low profile to avoid being noticed
Making up stories to their friends and family about how they got the latest bruises
Blaming themselves for never doing things well enough
Always feeling anxious when they walk in their own home (or workplace if the narcissist is at their place of work)
Never completely trusting their partner
Never feeling respected or equal in the relationship
Always worrying about their performance in any role, including in the bedroom
Often wondering if it’s OK if they phone or meet with friends or family
Having to ask permission to do anything
Not being allowed free access to their financial accounts
Not being able to give their opinion for fear of being chastised
Never being able to win any argument
Always wondering what they did “wrong” Avoiding arguments at all costs
Always attempting to “try harder” to make things better
Chronically feeling empty
May periodically have suicidal thoughts
Wishing for “someday” when things will change, but someday never comes
After breaking up with their narcissistic partner, all they want to do is run back to them
Repeatedly making excuses for and forgiving their partner’s unacceptable behaviors, which continue to happen
Often wondering how they got into this situation to begin with
Always being told everything is their fault
Oftentimes feel humiliated by their partner
Constantly fearing abandonment by the partner, so “doing whatever it takes” to keep him
Doing things they are uncomfortable with because they feel pressured to do so
Compromising their values, needs, and beliefs because their partner wants them to
Discovering that the narcissist has frequently lied or misled them Feeling like no one else could possibly love them
Believing they are not as important as their partner
Taking their partner’s advice, although their gut tells them not to
Feeling like they’re living a lie – that the outside world sees them one way, while the inner reality is definitely something entirely different Feeling subservient or less-than their partner
Rarely feeling like their needs are being met or even acknowledged
Never doing anything unless their partner says it’s OK Their friends tell them they are being abused, but they just can’t see it
Feeling like they are being parented – that they’re too immature or childish to be able to think on their own
Often wishing they would have never gotten into this mess to begin with and now don’t know how to get out Frequently feeling numb or depressed
They no longer know who they really are
May end up looking like the “crazy one” in the relationship

These are just some of the behaviors and feelings many and victims express. If you find yourself recognizing many of these, perhaps you are realizing you are in your own narcissistic relationship. Extricating yourself from the grips of a narcissist who wants to keep you entrapped is complicated at best.

You may or may not want to leave this relationship, but at least, by acknowledging and understanding it, you can make better decisions and educated choices about your future. Just remember one thing … It is all about choices. Unless they literally have a gun to your head, nobody can make you do anything you don’t want to do.

No one can determine your attitude unless you let them. Deciding to move on or to remain a victim of a narcissist depends upon your own circumstances. Yet, when children are involved it certainly complicates things. For many individuals, the implied security of having a partner may feel safer than being alone in the big, wide world. As a result, you may feel like you are stuck in your situation.

However, as you learn the devastating effects a narcissist can have on those around him, it is important to weigh the effect he can also have upon your children.

Do you want them to learn that these destructive and abusive behaviors as normal, and fulfill a never-ending legacy of narcissism in their own lives? Or would you do whatever is in your power to help them avoid growing up to become a narcissist, or perhaps even the victim of one themselves? Have you considered all possible options for your future? Or will you submit, give up, and continue to let your narcissist control your life?

  1. I’m married to a covert narcissist and I have been pushed to have an emotional this common for a victim. .help


  2. I wish the government would do something with these types of people. These people are dangerous and I have lived with 2, they are not out for anyone’s safety and security. I tired to commit suicide at the age of 8 because of my mother always making me feel inadequate, in addition to being very tall for my age and being picked on at school didn’t help my self esteem. I ended up marrying one, not realizing his true colors until much later. My ex husband scared me more because I actually saw him take on multiple personalities, I now know why he never liked being around a group of people , he had mirrored so many people, he didn’t even know who he was. It was the most traumatizing experience I have ever had. If you don’t have money or resources to get out , You can feel so trapped. I had to leave or die, which I think he was trying to do ( kill me and make it look like an accident ). Living with these parasites is like living in a horror movie.


  3. Ive been in a bad relationship with a narc 4 almost 2 years.finally got the guts 2 leave him.its been 3 weeks now and im REALLY having a bad time adjusting 2 the situation,im constantly thinking about him and if he is doing ok.he screwed me up nt only mentally bt also financially.dnt know what 2 do 2start 2heal


  4. BLESSINGS to each one of you!!
    My victimization has been at the hands of my daughter-in-law…It’s been an ongoing 10yr ordeal for me….3 yrs ago she FINALLY found an excuse that was palatable for my Son to agree with and completely remove my grand children from my life…..and of course, like any narcissist do….its ALWAYS based on a completely twisted lie and with no proof & they’re ALWAYS the victim! I found out later that her reason to remove my solid bonded, since their births, relationship with my gbabies was due to overt jealousy of me & the gbabies solid normal loving relationship….isn’t that a complete shame….
    So after almost 3 yrs have gone by….my entire family & all my grown extended family have been TOTALLY destroyed….we no longer have family holidays or dinners together….this has left me feeling numb & emotionally/mentally destroyed & exhausted. On the rare chance that I do see my grandchildren…they no longer know what to say to me & act scared to even look my direction if their parents are in sight, especially their mom….
    I’m learning to cope….in the 7 yrs prior to my gbabes being stolen out of my life, (google Alienated Grandparents Anonymous if this has happened to you) my DIL was doing all the characterics of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) to me & I had no idea other than the extreme emotion/personality rages/extremes….being sweet as pie when we were in public/family or when she wanted something from me, having to walk on eggshells, constantly apologizing for nothing ….being verbally bullied & publically humiliated, etc all the while knowing in my heart of hearts I wasn’t guilty of any of the lies but because I’d never heard of a Malignant Narcissist Sociopath…I had know idea what I was up against. Since the last ordeal I’ve encountered with my DIL & enabling victimized Son I have learned a ton about this personality disorder….my own medical physician was raised in a NPD family…he told me the only way to stop the NPD abuser was to distant yourself from them as far as you can….or it will continue! He was ABSOLUTELY right….and it gets worse if you don’t! I can’t EVEN discribe how hard it was for me to accept this reality….it forced me to have to make the decision to distance myself (for sanity sake) and I have to tell you….it literally about killed me…..I still believe I had mini strokes for about a couple years off & on….it has been the hardest thing to do in my life next to forgiving them….NOT condoning their actions! There’s a huge difference in making yourself free from guilt in forgiving & allowing yourself to be the battered shell that NPD ppl live for! And there’s a website called Biblical Answer To Narcissism (or titled close to that) or Overcoming Narcissist Biblically which had some GREAT insight for me. It even has scriptures to pray for yourself & for their deliverance!
    Also, I have since learned that there is a range, if you will, for NPD people….the low end of this range is a healthy narcissism which includes taking care if your health, personal attention to your attire & grooming,etc…..the high end is the scariest for me which is they can become a psychopath…..Google it for yourselves….
    My prayers are with you all….don’t be a victim….be an overcomer…..lots of love, Sherry


  5. The worst thing about toxic people is when they manage to drag you down to their level. Unfortunately, they enjoy hurting others, but you, as an empathetic victim don’t. So even if you “fight” back, you’ll ending up feeling so guilty about being a “bad” person that you’ll hurt yourself with negative self-talk even as you’re defending yourself.

    The important thing is to forgive yourself. You’re a victim, and need to stay away from toxic people. It’s easy for a narcissist/sociopath to spot someone who has been a victim before. Somehow, we’re “trained,” and they can spot it. So you have to be very careful.

    And for any “faults” you have, there’s a line I heard somewhere…something like, “You may not be the best little girl in the world, but you’re not the worst, either.” As in, you’re human, sane, and normal and have normal reactions to being treated bad. Don’t feel guilty.

    And you always have others who understand and are on your side, even though we never will probably meet you. You’re not alone, and everyone’s not against you. 🙂


  6. Leaving relationship after 29 years of marriage. Finally came to light what I was actually dealing with in my marriage. I’m a very strong person so I haven’t completely been destroyed by his behavior towards me like many victims. But for years could not put my finger on while asking myself” what was that”? I’ve been mentally abused; name called, belittled, called a liar, divorce thrown at my face, pressured to conform to his desires and wants. No emotional support, believed others above me, labelled as crazy and crazy jealous. My opinion meant nothing. My feelings meant nothing. No I’m sorry or no apologies. Leaving. Kids are grown. Eyes opened and can’t live like this anymore!


  7. I met a guy on a dating site and from the first meeting I was hooked .he was good looking and funny and had such a zest for life with many hobbies etc -was amazed that he wanted me and he made me feel so special both in the way he was when with me and things he said -sex was mind blowing ..three months solid of this so imagine my shock when I got a text saying he knew I was cheating and didn’t want to see me anymore and that it was over – I was beside myself but he wouldn’t answer my calls or messages just cut me off dead ..I cried and cried couldn’t eat or sleep or work ..couldn’t function as my mind was just going over and over why he would think this etc and mourning the loss of the man I loved ..over next six months I did things to myself that id done in the past took self Medicate,I took drugs,starved myself ,slept with other men for attention and tried to appear like I was in control yet inside I thought of him daily and his smile and way he was with me just tortured my heart constantly ..then out of the blue he turned up at my work ..looking humble and so gorgeous and stating gently he knew he had made a mistake and was sorry ..he wanted another chance and like a fool I fell for it again only to have a repitition of the above a few more months down the line …seriously I put myself through this and worse with him for nearly 3 years before I literally had a breakdown and tried to kill myself before I thought enough was enough ..I’d found out he was still on dating site with same profile from when I met him and people close to him told me he was a tart and to be careful etc ..he denied it all of course day I stumbled across the word narcissist and knew instantly that if found the answer to what was going on as it described him and his behaviour to a tee and also described me and my behaviour it was so spooky as I could have written it myself ..took me another two years of answering his messages etc before I finally realised I would never be validated by him so I went no contact and stuck to it ..and started to work at loving myself in the right way ..have since realised my overprotective mum had made me the type susceptible to narcissists and that it was because of that I went out of my way to get love and approval etc from people and I never felt good enough or knew even how to think independantly ..because as a child id never had to as she spoke for me and literally I was her shadow ..golden child sister was scapegoat and she had problems as an adult too ..drugs ..promiscuity. …she lost her kids and stole from family and eventually died of drug overdose ..mum had pitched us against each other out while lives so we were not even in contact as adults …and my dad was uneducated and worked like a dog so we never saw him at home cos all he did was give her his wages and slept …yes in hindsight I know my family got the profile but I’d never even heard of it until I was 42 ..I’m 46 now and thanks to my narc ex I realised my problems where actually from childhood and have been able to now come to a place of peace in my life …I am single ..have my own place and a job that I love financial worries…I don’t touch drugs or drink and I don’t self harm ..I sleep peacefully and I am contented and happy took lots of soul searching and time but I got there and all I needed to do was start loving myself enough and stop looking to outsiders to make me feel loved thank you Steve cos you saved me from myself and for that I will always be grateful…and to anyone suffering anything like what ive described don’t give up because you already have what you need to get yourself where I am today ..I know you can do it because I’ve done it and if I can do it you can too …all my love TERESA


  8. Maryann Burrows

    After 23 years I’m recovering from feeling suicidal from this man. I’m a nurse by profession, caretaker, fixer, nurturer, for what? To be beaten to an emotional pulp and left to emotionally whither away a forgotten, useless old memory. I’ve lost jobs, houses, kids, cars, family, relationships, my reputation, my recovery clean time, you name it, he’s ruined it.

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  9. Second big break up – 6 weeks no contact two year relationship. I thought he was the love of my life and Lost my house dog two jobs and a baby. He cheated, mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused me and some how I think it’s all my fault? Lay in bed on a Saturday nights with no friends left no body to turn to feeling completely suicidal had enough just want all of this to go away and I have a good few days and then it all just comes flooding back – life is really hard right now


  10. omg!!! i cant believe after reading all this i was a victim of a narcissist!!! i was wondering why have i changed since the past several years!! I was entrapped in his web of lies, deceit, and demeaning opinions about me. I know now too, that narcissists solicit their children and family members and relatives ,if they feels their relationship is in trouble and we reveal to them their true colors. Here I was under the impression ,when I would end this and he was in bad shape that he seriously loved me,and so I would take him back!! and I felt ,whenever I d take him back he would be like a little child who got a new toy or a candy, so so happy and thrilled.
    Now I know he was happy cause his ego is gonna be stroked again(by me,who would do anything in the name of love). I read about gaslighting and love bombing and yes I had experienced it all. I also can vouch for the symptoms listed in the first paragraph of this article. I am now struggling with all the health issues mentioned. I finally got my answer to the question I often asked “Why” why did I get involved in this,”Why “( why have I changed so much?).What happened to health, how did I become like this? I was healthy active energy person before I met him. As I go down memory lane I realized my bad health few months I met him and years later I still struggle with it,cause I kept taking him back. Although he did contact me few days ago, I didn’t answer the call, but listened to his voicemail. ( Oh yeah playing a victim, and thinking about himself”I will have to get better somehow, there is going to be something better in this for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”omg , he never ceases to amaze me with his continuous narcissist trait!!all about him and he is hurt!!oh yeah he was expecting me to nurse his heart break, his wounds. I have gone NC since a week now. And yes this is FINAL cause I now learned it wasn’t love(from his side)after all. Why would I ever want to go back to this,why would I ever want to take this journey of bumpy roads? Oh I have taken a turn and starting a very new journey to recovery, good health,boosted confidence and good self esteem.


  11. I recently separated from my CN. The discard, after discovering he was cheating, again. I ended it, for my own sanity. I felt like I lost myself completely and beginning the process of rediscovering my own identity. At first I was devastated, but arming myself with knowledge on CN, an excellent therapist, praying, and time, I’m feeling more positive, but still a long way from recovery. It’s not the first time we’ve separated. He discarded me literally overnight before. I forgave and gave him another chance but his patterns of behaviour didn’t change, he got clever at covering his tracks but eventually he slipped up. I am dumbfounded by the covert nature of the abuse. It’s hideous. With all the work I’m doing it will not happen again. Stay strong and beautiful all.


  12. I find the text very interesting and I relate to a lot that is described. Nevertheless, I feel somehow ignorant when it comes to thwe point of saying that leaving a person can be possible bcause no one is capable of coercion. I disagree totally! I. Am in a toxic relation with a man that I consciently don t like, do not love. But we have a daughter and I am jobless. As a result, everytime I just wanna run away from the inferno which is my home, I get real and realize that I would lose my kid if he goes to court.So, in fact, I have been to the police, to a help center, but what happens is simple: he is an ex cop, now he as an authority profession, he is irreprehensible and very low profile and no one would dream what this guy ir really capable of. Above all I feel in danger bcause I know he wants to get rid of me but doesn t accept divorce for not having to pay any sort of pension. I wish I could leave him but I won t quit my daughter. How could I? He already manipulates her and forbbids me of going to places with her. He cannot stand see us smiling or being happy! This is the degree of craziness I have to put up single day. And there is no judge, no law in civilized Europe that helps me and my daughter to get rid of him.


  13. I sudenly realise , i spent 26 years with a Narcissist.. I have done a lot of reading in the last few weeks and all the Light Bulbs have Gone On . I am soo glad it ended now a couple of years ago… But I feel so Numbe now, I lost all of who I was, and I thought always it was My Fault. it was my fault I was assaulted, publically humiliated, made to feel like a piece of crap. It was not… I found out recently she has been through more victims since Divorce. There is No way to change them ….


  14. I thought I was the crazy one, he convinced others I was. I have met crazy personally…

    It took typing in keywords online just to figure it out. (3 yrs after I left) I don’t trust my judgement/s NOR can I believe so many destructive souls are roaming in search of destroying more. I can’t grasp it even though I know from experience. (I left in 2006, via an old mssngr, he still rages almost daily.)

    I am not the same.


  15. And here I thought it was me… 9 long years, free just 3 weeks and not sure on what to do now. Feeling useless and stupid, couldn’t do anything, even love him right. I love him and hate him for what he has done to me. Hope I stand strong, thanks for the help.


  16. My boyfriend was a victim of a narcissistic abuse for 20 years and is still working on recovery.I have noticed that lately he uses gaslighting on me.He denies things that he said or changes details of it and claims that i misunderstood.He says that we have a communication problem because we are from different cultures.This was not a problem previously

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  17. I’m glad I found this thread, I’m hoping to find someone that will take 5 minutes to read this-someone that’s gone through a similar situation as mine.
    I just need some input or opinions.
    Being all of my friends are either happily married with their high school sweetheart, in prison, or diseased. I have no one to discuss this with that knows EXACTLY where I’m coming from.
    I’m sorry but I’ll try to put this as short and simple as I can. And Im aware that every choice I’ve made has brought me to where I am today.
    Ive known Tim (narcissistic partner) for over 10 years. We went to school together, partied together, hung out with mutual friends together. Eventually we graduated and all went our own ways.
    At 21 I had my daughter (now almost 4) and moved into an apartment and guess who I find out lives below me? Tim.
    We would small talk. He’d come over and play with my daughter. We would play video games, watch movies. then he brought in my life, once again, the devils drug.
    (He loved and probably still does love me**. I think back and I’m pretty sure he had been using the entire time we were a “couple”)
    I could feel myself spiraling. I stopped having him over. And picked up drinking.
    Over time Tim moved, then 2 months later I see in the paper that he pulled a gun on someone and went to jail.
    (About a year passes?..)
    I had my daughter 50% of the time and her dad had her 50% of the time.
    I was always out when I didn’t have her, I was a drunk.
    In time I lost my job. Couldn’t pay bills. (This is all very hard to talk about, I know I put myself in these positions)
    Of course, a week or so after all of that I run into Tim and tell him everything that’s happened. & that I was leaving for Missouri-because basically I had no choice. I guess I thought I would get out of this worthless town and start off fresh somewhere else. So I sold my car, my mom came from Missouri to pick me and my daughter up to stay with her for awhile. I was there 2 months applying EVERYWHERE. I got a job cleaning houses but that wasn’t getting me anywhere. I had been texting/talking to Tim off and on while living in Missouri and he mentioned that the HyVee they finished building in my old town was hiring. I applied online. I got an interview. I got the job. I took what little money I had saved-bought a cheap used car, went back to NE and rented a dirt cheap trailer.
    I was doing really good. I worked a lot. 9 hour days. Every week day. Sometimes weekends. My daughters dad had her every weekend.
    Eventually the drinking started again.
    & I Started hanging out with Tim..
    He was always nervous drinking at bars because he was on probation. He told me he pulled his gun out for self defense, he claimed 2 guys were trying to jump him and that they lied to the cops…I believed him.
    2 months later I got pregnant. I knew I had to move out of that ghetto ass trailer so I applied at a decent apartment in town and was accepted. He tried getting me to move in with him after only being together for a month or two, I nicely refused. Me and my daughter moved. He “gladly” kept my cat at his place because my apartment didn’t accept them. We started to say I love you’s and I miss you’s, he was over every night after work to play with my daughter before her bedtime, she absolutely adored him. He would surprise me with ice cream, take me out to movies, take me andy daughter out to dinner every Wednesday, brought me to meet his family..I’d say 3 months later everything started..he would start little pointless arguments, manipulate me, twist things on me, he would accuse me of cheating, distance himself from me, not answer my calls or texts at night. At this point I was blind and sucked into his narcissism without even knowing it. 6-7 months down the road I had my beautiful son. ( Now 8 months)…
    My cat out of no where became sick and wasn’t eating, wasn’t peeing..the vet had NO IDEA what was wrong with her so Tim came with me and i had to put her to sleep 😦 ( Currently I feel like she didn’t just get “sick” naturally )
    Alright, 2 weeks out of the hospital after having OUR son, this girl that lives across the hall from me tells me that she HEARD Tim and my neighbor were sleeping together. LOL
    now I won’t go into detail with that, but I was in a RAGE. That’s when him hitting me, pushing, kicking, hair pulling, his crying, his denying, lying, spitting in my face, anything you name it, started to happen. (My neighbor also denied them sleeping together) He offered to pay for a polygraph test 500$! swearing he didn’t do anything. We waited a month for our appointment. I met and talked to the detective. I picked the questions, he took it. He passed. We moved in together.
    Let me tell you i was living in a damn fairy tale.
    First 2 weeks in our new rent to own 3 bed 2 bath house I get a call from my 19 yr old, old neighbor..admitting they definitely had been sleeping together while I was pregnant, for months. She had proof. He denied it of course. I would rub the proof in his face and he would still think of some stupid ass lie. So I packed up and took the kids to Missouri- I KNEW I couldn’t be around him, especially with my kids home.
    So he calls my mom crying, same song and dance, she tells me to pretty much go back to him because she has her own little life to live so I head home without telling him.
    He changed the locks, the garbage was filled to the rim with empty alcohol bottles, weed roaches on the living room floor, he sees me and his face goes pale white. He denied having anyone over.
    Weeks later I find out she was at OUR house while I left to missouri!
    I found dating sites on his phone history.
    Porn site after porn site.
    I find a secret facebook that he denied was his, it clearly said TIM J****.
    The mental abuse at this point was indescribable.
    The physical abuse got WORSE.
    We were arguing and he wrecked, totaled, his car with me in it going 60 mph down a freeway. Then somehow convinced me we hydro planed because of the rain. ( I literally watched him jerk the wheel into a cement wall)
    The blows to the head from his fist got harder. The kicks to the back, that I would turn on him, got stronger. The hair pulling and head locks turned to literally strangling me. The cops came…he went to jail and bonded out the next day.
    Still he denied ever having her in our home. Denied the facebook. EVERYTHING. The tears, the things he would say, him always driving by, the words he would use. Who ever I was..or am now, he had me fooled. He begged me to let him come back.
    Me thinking ‘ok I love this man…the father of my son..maybe he’s so angry because he’s being accused of all of this stuff he didn’t do? Right? Why is he crying to me? if he wanted that girl so badly, then why the hell would he waste his time And effort to “prove” his loyalty to me?
    He made his way back in the didn’t take long for the fighting and arguing to start. Him breaking glasses, pictures, 6 holes in the wall (that are still there), holes in doors.
    Thennn one night I caught him smoking the “devils drug” in our bathroom. I flipped shit and told him to get out &I had had enough of the secrets, so he left. Of course he left no problem because he was busted, he had NO EXCUSE. 2 am I was sleeping on the couch &I heard his feet stomp up the porch stairs n my heart just dropped. I had this gut feeling that I was seriously about to get my ass handed to me. He never gave me his key, so he came him, ripped me off of the couch and started to choke me. He kept accusing me of cheating on him. I couldn’t breath. couldn’t talk. I tried kicking him in his growing and failed so he stripped me of my clothes, turned me around and bent me over the couch. I couldn’t do anything but cry. After that he pulled out a blade and started 2cry while cutting his wrist saying if I left him that he didn’t want to live. I slowly started backing thinking id make my way down the hall to the bathroom… he walked over to me, blade held up&this evil ass look in his eyes, with a smile. He Grabbed me by the neck and pushed me against the wall (I was ready to be stabbed, no joke.) all I could say calmly was “really?” And he laughed. Put the blade away and left. Yes I should have called the cops,I don’t know I was still making excuses for him. I was scared of him, but I still cared about him. I didn’t want him to end up in prison. I called a friend and had him change the locks right after that. I wanted so badly to be DONE. He kept trying to manipulate me through texts and driving by constantly a couple times he even tryed his key I’m the lock..I ignored him. maybe a week later The kids and I are sitting in the living room and he kicks the door open with one single kick and walks in like it was nothing…like nothin has happened..with a bag of Burger King. I was fucking scared shitless. My daughter ran to me. I told him I was done. Get out, I’m done with you. Completely done. He grabs me by my hair, drags me to my bedroom and throws me on the bed and starts to choke me all that I can see is fuzzy/blackness. And all I can hear is my daughter by the door, bawling. I had almost givin up. I grabbed his face as hard as I could and completely dug my nails all the way down his face and he let go. I tried to stay as calm as I could, I walked out of the bedroom into the kitchen. I picked my daughter up and told her I was ok and to go sit in the living room and she did. I don’t know why but I thought maybe he had realized what just happened and how far it had come but no…he beat the shit out of me. Kicked me with steal toe boots while I was down. I tried calling the cops, he took my phone and threw it through the wall, it seriously stuck halfway inside the wall..and still worked. I called the cops and told them EVERYTHING. Filled out a another statement. He’s still in jail on 5 different charges, I got a protection order, changed my phone number. He gets sentenced in late march. I’m doing absolutely horrible. I put on this smile for my kids, but my daughter looks in my eyes and knows that I’m hurt. And that makes me hurt even more.. I fucking hate him. But I love him.


    • I read something that made a lot of sense!!! All of our traits & qualities are what narcissist prey on!! However all of those traits & qualities are still who we are & THAT IS WHAT WILL GET US THROUGH!!! We are good people & thats what they wanted to take from us!!! I am 17 years & 5 children my fight to regain myself has just started almost 2 years ago!!! For some insane reason I never knew the definition of a sociopath or even a narcissist for that matter!!! Just read about it two weeks aago and I thank God Sociopath narcissistic SET YOU UP IN SITUATIONS SO THEY CAN SEE THE PAIN THEY WILL NOT STOP UNTIL THEY HAVE DRAINED THE LIFE RIGHT OUT OF YOU AND ANYONE CONNECT TO YOU!!! EVEN WHEN THEY FIND A NEW SOURCE IT WILL ONLY LAST SO LONG BEFORE THEY SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF THEM


  18. My narcissist was a co-worker that went out of his way to be my “friend”.

    At work, I had a reputation among the guys to be “hard to get”, mainly because I am very religious and many of the guys (correctly) assumed that I must be a virgin. The narcissist played on this and introduced himself by saying “I am very religious and I am seeking a wife; when can we go out?” Of course, this line worked because I only date Christian men and he figured this out. The discussions that followed were about church only, etc. However, once in a while, he would slip in a “you’re so breathtakingly beautiful”, etc. Finally, after he begged for three months, I agreed to go out with him.

    Strangely, this is when things first began to change. He would constantly cancel the dates and sometimes, would pretend that he never asked me out and that I asked him out. He would also tell me that he wanted to “make out” but would then rephrase it as if I were telling him that. I had never made out with a man, so I knew that I wasn’t saying those things and he was being very explicit. It was at the point where I could have reported him for harassment, but he made sure that we were “friends” first, so it would not be likely that I would report him.

    I began to pull away because I didn’t understand him, but then, he would compliment me more and talk about how he wanted a wife and ask me out on dates again. Sometimes, I would decline and say “can we go another time?” He would then suddenly become cold and say “well, I’ll have to think about that if you can’t go when I want to go”. I thought that this was unusual because they would be impromptu dates that he would make on the spur of the moment, but would be upset if I already had plans. Afterward, he would not talk to me for a while except for work-related reasons only. A few weeks later, he would make dates and cancel them again. One day, he invited me to his house and against my better judgement, I went. He just hugged me a lot and whispered a lot of romantic things, kept offering me alcohol (even though he knew that I didn’t drink) and danced with me. He tried to kiss me, but I turned my head… I had never kissed a man before and because I could sense that something was not right, I didn’t want my first kiss to be with someone that seemed to be playing games.

    After that visit, he kept making impromptu dates but getting mad when I couldn’t accept them again and on and on. Finally, he said “we should just be friends” and pretty much cut off all contact except for work-related contact only. I was a little sad because it was sudden, but I quickly got over it and I felt that it was for the best.

    When I stopped paying attention to him, he would contact me to tell me things that he was doing to other women of a s*xual nature. He would imply that he would have made me his girlfriend if I had done what they were agreeing to do. Afterward, he’d say “that’s okay, we’re just friends”. A few weeks passed while we were just “friends” and we began to talk about things that we did while growing up and the types of discipline that we would receive. Not many people know, but I was mildly abused while growing up, but other than mild depression, I’ve been fine. However, I made a comment that made him respond with “were you abused?” I didn’t want to lie, so I said “a little” and then he said “well, I want to help you”. He kept asking me more detailed questions about the abuse and telling me that I should completely stop communication with my parents. Of course, I would not do this and he would act as if he were mad and did not want to speak to me if I didn’t.

    Finally, I lost three relatives in a short amount of time and my parents began to argue with me a lot. I was starting to feel depressed and a little suicidal but I didn’t tell anyone. One day, I went to work in a solemn mood and he asked “are you feeling down, like suicidal, maybe?” I tried not to say anything, but I nearly began to cry and I had to admit it. This was the worst thing that I could have ever done.

    From that point onward, he would tell me that he wanted to help me but would turn around and insult me by saying that I needed psychiatric help because “only crazy people want to kill themselves”. He would then ask me how I was feeling and if I were doing anything to change my situation. If I weren’t doing things his way, he’d say “stay away from me if you don’t want to listen to me”. I was starting to feel worse due to his advice, but he was acting as if he was helping me. Finally, one day he asked how I was feeling and I said “terrible” and he said “well, don’t talk to me and I am never calling you until you submit your crazy self to a psychiatrist as I asked… wait a minute, am I talking to you or your other personality? This is not you… nevermind… you’re gone… I don’t know who this is.” He then abruptly ended the conversation and did not talk to me for days. During those days, with my personal situation, the deaths of relatives, and his efforts to try to make me believe I was crazy had me so suicidal that I had to call one of the emergency counseling numbers!

    After that, I felt a lot better and resumed my life reconciling with my parents and moving on by myself. I even met a nice man and entered a relationship. It is important to note that the narcissist is African-American, I identify as African-American, and my boyfriend is Caucasian.

    When the narcissist started to notice me looking refreshed at work, he started trying to re-enter my life as a “friend” again. He asked if I was in a relationship and wanted to know everything about the man, including looks, race, etc. However, he became very upset when he found out that he is Caucasian. At this point, he began to flirt again and try to act as if he wanted me again. I stopped him and told him that it was inappropriate because I belonged to another man. He said “ARE YOU SAYING THAT I AM A THREAT?” This was very arrogant because I would not even consider him over the nice man that I met. This man never played games and the narcissist could never compete.

    The more happier I became, the more the narcissist seemed to become angry. I wasn’t talking to him as a friend much or anything else because he already pushed me away at my lowest, so I could no longer trust him. He now began to call me ugly and say that “if you gain weight, your White boy will not want you”. When I would question him, all of a sudden, he would have no recollection of saying any of these things. He would also invite me to All-Black events and tell me to bring my boyfriend knowing full and well that my White boyfriend would not be able to attend and would be shunned if he tried. He would also reprimand me for any Facebook posts that I make if he didn’t like them and would reprimand me for things that I did at work even though he was not my boss.

    At the end, he said “I control you” and I said “you are a master of manipulation, but you do not control me”. He then went into a rage saying “the whole world is against me, all of you just want to bring a Black man down, everyone is watching what I am doing and talking sideways, all of my friends turn around and judge me, whatever I do is my business, I don’t give a ****.”

    From that point onward, he acts as if I am the wall. This is unusual because he says hello to everyone because that keeps his image “superior”, so it is very noticeable when he looks straight through me at meetings and walks quickly past me glaring, etc. I’m just glad that it’s over, but I still Pray that he does not look for revenge.


    • Do you both still work together?

      Try not to share his secrets or the way he treated you with others at work unless you are sure that your superiors will support YOU 100% and will fire him. Otherwise, get your support through your healthy boyfriend and a counselor if he continues this roller coaster (push-pull) behavior.

      If possible, you may want to consider employment in another department or company altogether.


  19. Unbelievably me in every way. Day 12 no contact. Its just like hes my heroin. This is so very difficult to escape from. Thank God I have God and the A.A. 12 step program to help me struggle thru.


  20. This is my first time go to see at here and i am really happy to read all at single place.


  21. Great blog here! Also your web site loads up very
    fast! What host are you using? Can I get your affiliate link
    to your host? I wish my website loaded up as quickly as yours lol


  22. I was feeling like my soul is being chipped away for the past 4 years. finally, I realized ini july 2014…that I am dealing with a narcissist. everytime my check came in all of a sudden he needed me and treated me better. My last couple of checks have been basically handed over to him. I pay for my own way, and his too. I’ve started no contact this Thursday, his birthday, because he was hell bent to have sexual sessions with street walkers. I work 48 hours per week, he is unemployed, surviving off unemployment benefits. He tries to make me become despondent all the time. He doesn’t care that I’ve been here for 4 years and I have no place to settle, i’m always moving around…I almost quit my job bc he made me feel worthless, but they hired me back…this is the only good thing I have. He moved close to my job, I think to mock me…I can’t find a place close enough to my job…he tried to get me back yesterday, by saying his unemployment was exhausted. I said I have to move on to help myself financially, I just spent 500.00 for his birthday he forced me to entertain him, I decided that would be the last weekend ever. I work every Saturday and I can tell he has been cheating all along. I am scared everytime we have relations because he is always ogling all women sometimes men too. His voice have changed and now he sounds really homosexual. He told me he got an extension for his benefits after calling me 12x and txting me that this is over I don’t exist to him. I saw him as I walked and he saw me drove right pass me with a smirk…he was coming from the liquor store, he only drinks to get women drunk…so I know someone must be there. I spent the whole wkend celebrating his b-day thank god my check was here on Tuesday, I would’ve been broke. I always go broke spending money on him, and he never acknowledges what I do. He always calls me an a-hole. I am so isolated from others because he never invites me to places. There were a few times he and his best friend went out and he said it was a guys night out…only to find out his friend invited a female then he would come back and say I should’ve taken you. I feel so foolish. Never met his famiy, after 4 years. I’m starting to think his whole family are narcissist. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t want to meet someones friend or even ask about them. I think I can do no contact….I tried before and came back 3 weeks later, only to find out he went on to visit a friend 8 hours away (an old supplier) who was not attractive at all, he lied said it was a guy…his sole purpose was sex…and I still had took him back…what is wrong with me…I have n other friends since being here for 4 years I feel so torn I think I keep attracting narcissists. I’m from NYC and ppl tend to consider us neurotic…maybe I am a little but is every guy in DC a narcissist….the ratio of women to men greatly outnumbers men…and women are very caddy and sexually inhibitions are more obscure than NYC…I don’t like this state only staying for my job…


  23. He just will not let go! He is found credible and is riding on this. Hell bent on my destruction!

    I have felt suicidal, scared to extreme of not leaving house and then later not going out alone for nearly 2 years. I feel unsafe and fear the safety of my children.

    Using everything possible to destroy me including financially and mentally. Everyone in the village is feeling sorry for him and in disbelief of the things he has done to include: breaking into my mothers house to take my bank mail, breaking into a tenants bedroom and demanding cash from her, attempted break-ins all over the place (out of ordinary and seemingly connected), taking and usning against me all financial records, taking and selling all my personal property (clothing, photos, collections, gifts, motorcycle, hobby equipment etc), not giving back all my sentimental historical property (photos, school/work certificates, clothing & jewelery) including that of my children from a former marriage.

    This is one hell I have never ever seen or heard of before. Basically, everything that can hurt has been done or will be done.

    There does not seem to be any support mechanism here or anyone to turn to for advice or help.


    • 😦 Trauma recovery / legal advocacy in this area is nearly NILL! But NEEDED! These cons are like teflon dons that seem to weasel their way out of accountability. They’ve had a whole life’s practice at it, so no wonder, they know how to work EVERYONE, including a “system”.

      We will all fight together to develop services around this issue Andrew – it seems that necessity will be the mother of invention in our case.

      Like you, I great damage and trauma and am only now realizing that I need to reach out for services from others to finalize my recovery. I promise to share EVERYTHING I learn in the process, and hopefully, YOU and others like You and I, will benefit!!

      Liked by 1 person

  24. It is as though you have just listed my marriage history. Thank you for blogging this. It is helping me every post!


  25. how can you help a family member who went through such pathological relationship.


  26. Thank God for this article words don’t even express how helpful this is, thanks from the bottom of my heart and soul to the other mum at school who signposted me here. These articles are helping me change my daughters life and mine forever xxx


    • After 12 years, I am now learning of this word “narcissism ” it describes my husband to the fullest degree. We have been seperated for almost 1 year and after time and understanding of what I thought I could do better, it became clear to me that I was doing fine all along… I’ve tried to reconcile, but literally every week he changes his mind about wanting to be with me or not and looks for things to blame me for from a million years ago. I just wanted to fix my family! Now, I’m miserable and my children are acting out from their emotions .. I have lost my best friend and I can not seem to get past the hurt and pain.. How can I overcome such a horrible situation? And how is he living with himself knowing that he sees my tears and hurt behind these circumstances?


  27. This has been my life. I always knew it and denied it but now I have true clarity. When my narcissistic husband of almost 41 years discarded me on October 1, 2013, he did so leaving behind a nasty note, hand scrawled financials and a letter of separation. He moved to a house we own out of state where he had already established new supply. Discarding me is the kindest thing he has ever done for me and I now live my life free of his anger, control, cheating, screaming, demeaning comments and manipulation and I see with clarity what he did to me, our children, his family, my family our employees and friends. My empathetic heart allowed me to forgive him for what he had done to me and so many others and forgiving him allowed me to move forward without hatred. I despise his actions and the way he treated me and still does on the rare occasions he bothers to remember I am alive but I do not hate him. It must be torturous to live your life this way, unable to change even if you desire to do so. Sad, really, so sad. Do I have sad days? Sure, I am only human but because I now have free will I don’t allow sadness to overwhelm me. Instead, I call a friend, go to yoga class, go to the gym, take a drive or go shopping. If none of those work for me at that particular moment I fall back on throwing perfectly good eggs at a picture of him I nailed to a tree off my back deck. Works every time!! Don’t wallow in pain and regret or should have, could have, or would have. Express your feelings and cry when you need to, laugh when you need to, rely on your friends and family, practice self care but whatever you do, don’t hate him. Hatred gives the narcissist exactly what he wanted to extract from you in the end and it will make you confused and vulnerable to him. I hope you will see the light of hope as you work your way through the aftermath of narcissistic abuse….it is there…..just open your big and empathetic heart.


  28. Yep, every last stinking one of these explains my seventeen year marriage, except for the one about the bruises (because he is covert, and didn’t physically abuse). And then the people that look down on you for divorcing: destroying a marriage and a family, and the poor children and whatnot, they DON’T GET IT, that it was a living hell for ALL OF US! Honestly the kids are better off with me divorcing their dad than they ever could have been with him stomping around the house, and all of us walking on eggshells. Thanks for the wonderful article. It’s so uncanny how well it describes the hell I endured.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Ana

      Thank you so much for this, and all the other posts. This describes exactly how I felt in my last relationship. I’ve told friends, family and my domestic abuse counsellor that it felt like I was dying – physically, emotionally and spiritually.

      I ended the relationship three months ago and changed my phone numbers immediately. He may have tried to call or text me, but he hasn’t reached out in any other way. Mostly I’m glad of that but of course there are times when I miss the illusion he fed me and want to hear from him just to stop the pain of the loss.

      Do they always make contact? Should I be prepared to hear from him? Right now it helps me to believe that it’s completely over. But is that a mistake?

      Thanks again.

      Fern. x


    • Amen! 17 years for me too.


  29. “After breaking up with their narcissistic partner, all they want to do is run back to them”

    15 years after he left me I still want to go back to him. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way.


    • I get the warm, rich certainty that he is The One and we could still work it out. I’m only 5 weeks free and this scares me. I must never go back. That “certainty” is an illness, a delusion. I must bear it like the sickness ir is; acknowledged, never acted on.


      • Janet gibbs-troendle

        Dont go back. I did and he was able to turn the children against me. I finally had to save myself and get healthy so that i can be strong for my children. After twenty years i finally got away. Staying only made me physically ill. Post tramatic stress disorders. Major depression. On and on. Its a long story, people wont believe it, these people are dangerous. They make others think you are crazy and destroy the neat person you were. They dont have to hit you. But believe everything you hear. Please, twenty years i stayed. He even went as far as trying to poison me. After he had killed the cat and then one dog. They are master manipulators. Please be strong. The abuse will only get worse.


  30. What about anger outbursts? I used to get all the above and those too.


  31. wish my mum had read this fifty years ago. May have saved her son and her sanity


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