Characteristics of a Victim of a Narcissistic Abuser
Now that you have begun to see some Red Flag behaviors that are common to narcissists, let’s look at some feelings and behaviors frequently reported by the victims.
Feeling guilty for “making” the narcissist feel the way he does
Chronically confused about their partner’s sudden changes in behavior
Frequently exhausted from never knowing what might happen next
Feeling like they have to “walk on eggshells” to avoid “rocking the boat”
Coming home to find Dr. Jekyll and suddenly discovering Mr. Hyde, and never knowing what caused the change
Always apologizing for “never doing things right”
Trying to keep a low profile to avoid being noticed
Making up stories to their friends and family about how they got the latest bruises
Blaming themselves for never doing things well enough
Always feeling anxious when they walk in their own home (or workplace if the narcissist is at their place of work)
Never completely trusting their partner
Never feeling respected or equal in the relationship
Always worrying about their performance in any role, including in the bedroom
Often wondering if it’s OK if they phone or meet with friends or family
Having to ask permission to do anything
Not being allowed free access to their financial accounts
Not being able to give their opinion for fear of being chastised
Never being able to win any argument
Always wondering what they did “wrong” Avoiding arguments at all costs
Always attempting to “try harder” to make things better
Chronically feeling empty
May periodically have suicidal thoughts
Wishing for “someday” when things will change, but someday never comes
After breaking up with their narcissistic partner, all they want to do is run back to them
Repeatedly making excuses for and forgiving their partner’s unacceptable behaviors, which continue to happen
Often wondering how they got into this situation to begin with
Always being told everything is their fault
Oftentimes feel humiliated by their partner
Constantly fearing abandonment by the partner, so “doing whatever it takes” to keep him
Doing things they are uncomfortable with because they feel pressured to do so
Compromising their values, needs, and beliefs because their partner wants them to
Discovering that the narcissist has frequently lied or misled them Feeling like no one else could possibly love them
Believing they are not as important as their partner
Taking their partner’s advice, although their gut tells them not to
Feeling like they’re living a lie – that the outside world sees them one way, while the inner reality is definitely something entirely different Feeling subservient or less-than their partner
Rarely feeling like their needs are being met or even acknowledged
Never doing anything unless their partner says it’s OK Their friends tell them they are being abused, but they just can’t see it
Feeling like they are being parented – that they’re too immature or childish to be able to think on their own
Often wishing they would have never gotten into this mess to begin with and now don’t know how to get out Frequently feeling numb or depressed
They no longer know who they really are
May end up looking like the “crazy one” in the relationship
These are just some of the behaviors and feelings many and victims express. If you find yourself recognizing many of these, perhaps you are realizing you are in your own narcissistic relationship. Extricating yourself from the grips of a narcissist who wants to keep you entrapped is complicated at best.
You may or may not want to leave this relationship, but at least, by acknowledging and understanding it, you can make better decisions and educated choices about your future. Just remember one thing … It is all about choices. Unless they literally have a gun to your head, nobody can make you do anything you don’t want to do.
No one can determine your attitude unless you let them. Deciding to move on or to remain a victim of a narcissist depends upon your own circumstances. Yet, when children are involved it certainly complicates things. For many individuals, the implied security of having a partner may feel safer than being alone in the big, wide world. As a result, you may feel like you are stuck in your situation.
However, as you learn the devastating effects a narcissist can have on those around him, it is important to weigh the effect he can also have upon your children.
Do you want them to learn that these destructive and abusive behaviors as normal, and fulfill a never-ending legacy of narcissism in their own lives? Or would you do whatever is in your power to help them avoid growing up to become a narcissist, or perhaps even the victim of one themselves? Have you considered all possible options for your future? Or will you submit, give up, and continue to let your narcissist control your life?
In a relationship with a man for over 12 years. He is 64 will be 65 years old in August. He act as if he is 35 sagging pants and all, I think this is what attracted me to him because of the way he carry himself. I am 49 will be 50 in December. I never heard of Narcissist until I was on Facebook and a video was posted about How to tell if you are in a relationship with a Narcissist and I listen to the video and I said that sounds like my relationship. How can a person tell you he loves you everyday but still act and talk like he hate you. I once told him he treats and talks tome like I am one of his friends in the street. I tell hime he is Full of Crap (Sh”””””t) and I have told him hes lije Dr. Jykell and Mr. Hyde, because he act one way with me and another way around people. I dont know who he is anymore. I Love this man I gave him all of me the years we been together but I still could not be myself because I was on pins and needles walking on eggshells but March 10tg will be a month ago when his Sons Mother passed away. May God Bless Her!! I was still trying to be tgere for him. I stopped by his house inwhich he say is our house. He always greet me to the door with a fake hug is what I call the hug. I walk in and there is a woman who he says is his Sons mother longtime friend in his room sitting on his Love Seat, mind you that there is no one in the living room she is in his room. He introduce me by saying this is my Future, I am like what does that mean. Before I walked out to leave I asked him why is that woman sitting in your room? He says he is disappointed in me for asking such a question and that I was overstepping my boundaries and that I was selfish by saying anything about the woman in his room at a time like that because i t was on the day of the memorial of his sons mother. To me I really was concerned because there was no one in the living room and she had no business in your room I dont care what was going on. Hevtells me she is “FAMILY” I said okay you right I am wrong and left the house. Here I am thinking what how could he think this is right. She should h ave never been sitting in his room at all. I have talk to him once he called I guesscto see would I talk and yes I did and he facetime me back and I didnot answer and he have not called back. I have been tellung myself maybe I should have not said anything and then things would be ok between him and I and here I am wishing that I would have never stopped by the house. Thanks to these videos and Narcissist sites I have not called or ran to see him Thanks this is so hard because I love him so much
I don’t know if any of my adult relationships were with a Narcissist. But I am sure my mother was a Narcissist. It took me a life time to figure it out, for one I was always told never to speak poorly of my mother. But I knew it was not right, the things she did. Everybody loved her but they never saw what she did to us.
I will be 59 next week. A little over a year ago I realized what had happened.
I had been working on myself in group therapy using the 12 step programs,this is not a recommendation. There are many controlling Narcissist in this program that will take advantage of our weaknesses, especially weaker females. And the controlling is a part of the under culture of the 12 step programs. I have seen many men fall for it as they attempt to gain some sanity in there lives. I could write a book about it, so be warned if you use them.
As I unraveled my past and looked at my childhood with out blaming my mother it became obvious she was a Narcissist. It is so clear now why I could not be in a relationship with a woman. I expected her to eventual treat me in the same way. I operated from a victim mentality. I don’t know if the woman I had relationships with were narcissist mainly because of my victim mentality and now I don’t need to know any more about them, it’s me I need to know.
I found this page as I looked for help with my victim mentality. I was an actual victim, what I have learn about that is to not blame her and accept she too are was a victim. Just 2 years before she died she was able to tell me she had been molested as a child. I am sure it was hard for her but I never gave up on getting better. It was the best gift she ever gave me.
It all made sense, why she did what she did and how she became a Narcissist.
I still have not given up hope in myself. And hope to one day be able to love someone with out fear or condition’s.
Except the kid is 25yrs old and wife is 30yrs old.
I am married to a man that makes me feel all these things to the outside world people believe that he loves me and is so concerned about my well being. My brother lives with us and he has a TBI and my husband blames him for all our problems threatens him has hit him puts him down and when I get upset about this he tells me that I always condone the things he does that if he wasn’t here we wouldn’t have no problems that’s a lie it’s always something or someone else’s fault never his.
Never could understand how he could just act like I meant nothing to him in the blink of an eye. I thought life with us was so good and I worked hard to make him happy every day. After 7 years I learned his issues with me were not my issues, they were HIS.
Doesnt make the torture and loss I feel after easier, but gives me clarity about the monster that twisted up my good heart.
I was in a relationship with a man who had been subjected to this abuse from his ex wife for over 30 years. After a beautiful 5 months with me in a loving environment that was unfamiliar his ex still managed to manipulate him, feel guilty about abandoning her and the children, promised to undergo counselling and he went back. He even admitted that his time was “glorious” and he never questioned my love. He was just more in love with her. I despair for his continued abuse but I feel he did so in order to supposedly protect the children.
This makes my heart ache reading it. I have suffered abuse for so long now, I have gone through some very traumatic periods in the past year that I don’t think many have gone through in their life time yet out of it all the one thing that still hurts the most is how he dealt with it. His coldness. His emptiness. His ability to able to just switch. Me begging him for support and him just staring at me with nothing. The problem is you don’t see their narcissistic traits until you are already sucked in. I really feel for those victims of narcissistic abuse. It is a very lonely place to be and unfortunately I’m still in that place that I can’t seem to get out of.
I understand this all to well. It is as if someone just saw into my life, and wrote a summery of it. I wish I would have made some different choices when we met.
I relate to all that has been said- and I would add that for me, I am still smarting, sweaty and blushing from the sheer humiliation. Further- never in my life have I had difficulty expressing anger- hell no! But with this man- I did- he shamed me so- publically and between us- saying the most demeaning things- and still I didn’t get angry- bit by bit- it’s returning- and I find myself saying out loud (to no one- as we’ve split) “Who the hell do you think you are?”
I prob have 99% of these feelings x
I have lived with one for 28 years. Of course at first I couldn’t put my finger on the problem . There was always a mystery to him. I think for most of the years I thought it was because he was a complicated deep thinker. The symptoms above I have all off them. 2 children and 28 years later I finally realize that his complicated mind is no more than a mind of a narsist.
I am a paraplegic and my husband insisted I move out. He harassed me daily until I moved. I thought living separately would make him happy, but he still finds reasons to explode at me. For the last 2 weeks he has off and on sent me texts accusing me of loving his friend, while at the same time verbally attaching me for being disabled. I guess he does this to let me know how much I need him, when in reality I had supported him financially. Leaving is hard, especially when you’ve been isolated, but it’s the best road to be on.
Hello – I am going through this right now. After several years I of this, I can’t take it anymore and have decided to leave. He has manipulated me into believing everything is my fault. Said he would go to counseling to fix “my problems”. I have lost my confidence and it’s very sad that my adult children can see this. He never takes responsibility for his actions because he is never wrong, it’s always my fault. A few years back my counselor brought narcissistic behavior to my attention. I have read on everything and I am trying to understand that I can’t fix this especially because to him, he’s perfect and why wouldn’t everyone be as lucky as I am to have him. I have the strength to move forward and then fall victim to his “want to make this work”. I feel like I am on a roller coaster. I find strength and then due to my empathy, I fall right back into his manipulating ways. I don’t know how to break the cycle and just leave for good.
Actually 75% of narcissists are men. Check your facts.
I did check the facts and as you say more men than women are narcissist, however of people with narcissist personality disorder 61% are male and 39% are female according to the Wikipedia.
Had to put my 14 year old dog to sleep and grieving terribly. Middle of night woke up crying he said,”this is what I can’t stand about you- I said can I put my arm around you him “stop it”
At some point I put my head on his shoulder he flicked it away as though I were a fly! Done totally done!
I left my ex with 5 kids and the clothes on our backs. I didnt want anything but a car from 23 yrs of marriage. 9 years later the baby in the family is now 16 almost 17 in Oct. He is still evil. He wants to punish me for anything. Its insane. He took my daughter out of state ok to az . he only has supervised visitation which in 9 yrs did one. My daughter ran away from my home to be a grown up & he convinced her to go with him. She ran away from him 3 times in 2 months. Second time was almost 3 weeks of the 2 months. His girlfriend 27 went with my daughter . cops found them in las vegas girlfriend went to jail daughter went to ex. She ran away a week later. He was giving her phentermine to lose weight . he took her to bars to help him pick up on women. Yet he says im a drug addict drunk look like a whore. Why ? I helped calm him down while she was missing . He thanked me told me he has always loved me that no one has ever meant anything to him but me. Please I was so thankful to get away from him Id rather jump off a cliff into push pins than ever go back or even think he was speaking truth. Its sad all he does is tormeant me my family. How can i change my name social security and disappear. He says hes going to make sure I go to jail for all ive done? Oh sorry I paid the bills put food in our kids bellies got them to school while he got to call dhs 500 times and take me to court if i sneezed because he had more money than we did. Along with boats motorxycles etc… Since he didnt have to pay child suppirt. Dhs melts in his hands its crazy. My adult children 33 & down wont go near him wont let their kids near him. How can you talk to someone who ia doing their best to ruin your life. He tries to get people to hurt me. Hes crazy
Hi I read something helpful on what not to say to a victim of Narc abuse can you please direct me I cannot find it in google. I am a survivor of this been divorced 15 years mine has the special spin of being sadistic and a stalker. He studies Nazi brainwashing and forms of psychological torture. He is paying for my daughters college I strongly believe she is his new host. I tried to make it so she got scholarships so this would not happen. Its a non ending horror story. He has stalked me through states. Used to come one looking for support groups did not know what to call it. Went to counseling oh gee. No one knew how to handle this. I called him out on the stalking and he has found new ways to hurt my daughter and family not allowing her to go to her beloved uncles funeral or to even see her Grandfather. I am sick and feel so helpless. He monitors her phone gps her car finger stroke her computer has used phones to stalk and record us. I am so at a loss. Thought 15 years of divorce would cure this. I am so tired so at a loss.
I think there is something going on here that causes me to bond with this predator. I have felt terrorized and so in fear and then I feel intense loving feelings towards him. How does one break free from the pattern of getting caught in the stockholm syndrome and trauma bonding.
Please give me some of your insight as to why I am so traumatized to deny reality and think that he is someone to love. I realize he is not yet I feel bonding occurring during his abusive episodes
I am a man, 46 who was married for 17years. Realized what was going on 3 years ago.
A baby later. Ran 2500 miles with nothing but the clothes on my back. All family, friends, associates have been cut off. Everyone thinks i am crazy or better yet, I am the narcissist. Now she has cut me off from my kids. Got my routing and account numbers, cleaned me out.
I have nobody or nothing. Truly it would be better to just kill yourself cuz the alternative is they destroy, discredit, isolate and tear your heart out, scramble your mind. And leave you barely alive. All done with a smurk on their face while taking great pride and pleasure in your absolute destruction.
All because i dared to start asking questions about why she disappeared for a week, turned pregnant later and where all the money went. From that point on, i have been punished and destroyed. And there is nothing you can do. Even my other 2 kids think Dad lost it and she has them feeling and thinking that I abandoned them all. Out of desperation i agreed 4 weeks ago to return home. She then immediately went into silent mode. Moved people into the house and wont let me have access to any of my kids. All just to play games, torment and look good to all around her.
Nobody has a clue how twisted, evil and empty these people are until you experience it yourself. By the time you realize something is not right, its only because they want you to and your entire life is already over, you just don’t know how very deep and real that goes. But you will.
Then struggle with your kids are in her possession and is it fair to allow her to be unleashed to the rest of the world?
I just read the list and feel confirmation in my decision to leave my husband of only three years. Finding support from my family, but still not able to explain the absolute devastation from the marriage. The list of behaviors solidifies my choice and helps now know what I have been seeing from the beginning. The nightmare started two months after the wedding. I feel numb and devalued in a way I never thought possible. So thankful for sites like this to help me see things from the real perspective and not the fog of living the life with a narcissist . I am actually hopeful for a future.
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I think it’s important to note that women are narcissists just as often as men, but they are rarely held accountable for their behaviors because their spouses are scared to be alone. Society protects women from being equally accountable for their manipulative behaviors.
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I know one. And she is effectively destroying her husband and his family. It’s painful to watch. So sad. The cherry on top? The have a small child and are trying for another one. He’s miserable and enabling all at the same time.
Amen, Just escaped after 17 years and I am jacked up all kinds of ways..
Who is saying that women cannot be narcissistic? Most likely men are however yes women can be too.
This is not what this page is about. It is about helping those recognize that they are living with a narcissist. And possibly their “Next steps.”
I have heard of many women who do these things to men they supposedly love in relationships. They manipulate to get what they want and make the partners life a living hell.
I left my abusive relationship nearly 8 months ago and never dreamed how long lasting the damage would be! I miss him horribly and wish I could go back to him, but he is on to his next victim. After nearly 8 years together it is as if I never existed. I feel so ruined by this relationship! It is completely overwhelming. I often feel suicidal as picking up the pieces is SO difficult. If you suspect you are with a narc, PLEASE save yourself and get away! Don’t waste years of your life like I did!
I am desperately trying to end a seriously sick and twisted relationship with a covert narcissist. It’s been 2 yrs of utter hell. I’m riddled with everything, and I mean every damn one on the list. I have become so emotionally sick, my soul has died. He has tricked my neighbors, my best friend, his family, my family. It’s absoutely true, they suckered up the finances, leave you with no identity and no way out. I can’t take a shower or sit down without crying. When im not crying I’m overwhelmed with such hatred, I want to spit in his face and hit him with the closest object I can find. It’s like they emotionally tie you up, where your brain doesn’t let your body move as they perform Hitler-like mind fuckery on you until you want to kill yourself for being a decent human being. Any traits I ever liked about myself he has taken from me, twisted and used to hurt me. I’m sitting in a hotel, by myself yet again, knowing I’ll have to go back again tomorrow cause the money ran out…again. He knows it too, so he just waits knowing shortly he can hurt me more than he did the last time. Such sickness these people are, they don’t deserve one breath they’ve been given! I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM!
The way I understand narcissist is that it is a covert behavior. They act one way to the world outside and when they get home they are somebody else. My mom could flip at the ring at the door or a phone call. She would wait until we left a relations house and pull to the side of the road to beat us for some unknown fault that embarrassed her. We got to the point we did not move if we went some where, imagine 5 children just standing in a line near the door until and if someone told us where we could sit or stand. And never accept a drink or food, or anything unless (and we learned to read her) she wanted us to other wise it might cause an incident. There was no way to live it was insane. I went to prison at 19, My brother attempted suicide at 18, sister pregnant at 16 (a way to get out of the house), youngest brother left home at 43 when mother died, he continued to hurt women and older sister married a really strange guy that I stay away from. What makes this so crazy we all had 4 years of college paid for, automatic appointments to any military academy and about 1000 dollars a month while in school in the late 70’s yet not one of us used it.
Although it’s not my place Heather don’t hate him. It only hurts you he will never care with out help, and your worth more than that.
I know what he is and of course he and his mother say I’m the crazy one. My mother in law is both to him his accomplice as well as his victim his own mother wow yes she stands by his destructive Behavior she has the ability to help but won’t I told her if you truly love your son get him the help he needs I don’t want to give up on my husband I’m willing to stay if he’s willing to get professional help even if he gets better and I’m too damaged to trust another man I need a difference help him improve so no one else will get hurt when I will become his victim it will be worth it
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My exes mother was his enabler also… telling me that he had bipolar disorder. Mine self medicated with alcohol. It was the longest 8 years of my life. And now he’s met someone whose just as nuts as he is. I wish them well.
Be afraid, very afraid, of your NS. If they have ‘set the stage’, so to speak with your friends and family, when you do leave many of your friends and family will betray you. There is nothing you can say to dissuade them.
Find support groups, and protect your children.
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I had no idea what a narrsisst meant. Yet after a few months alone I started researching his behavioes, patgolodgical liar, manipulative , Nothing ever his fault. Always putting me down. Once away from this crazy maker And realizing what really happened I felt so Stupid. I needed my Mother yet she gad past
I’ve been in a relationship with a man who has npd he’s gone to work abroad and I finished with him he’s been back home twice and I took him back both times which I now regret but the thing is I m finding it hard to let go of him I text him sometimes even though I know he will ruin my life it’s like I’m addicted to him . I know I must text him and tell him I’ve got a boyfriend (even though I haven’t ) I’m always thinking about him it’s like I’m obsessed with him I don’t know how to “let it go ” .
I have this exactly ‘obsession’. I can’t let him go. I want to so badly, but I don’t know how. All he does is ruin my currently relationship and pull me back toward him. Everything will be blissful for 2-3 weeks and then the true colors shine through and I am hurt all over again!
Look up gray rock. It is what you have to do. And quit him.
It’s called trauma bonding and it’s horrible. Same boat. Read up on it.
My grandma was a narcissistic woman and a control freak, and she tried to strangle me 3 different times, and the 1st time she almost succeeded.
She tried to stab me 2 different times with her huge long & large scissors by grabbing them and viciously spitting out her words while holding the scissors up over my head.. she would do this, strangle try to stab, when I would defend myself in words, when I stood up for myself. Grandma was always cutting other people down, cutting me down all the time. To me she’d say.. you’re stupid, you’re not smart. I barely graduated from high school.. my mom and I did not inherite grandma’s psychy, but my moms sisters 2 woman children did. It’s all about attack attack alianate attack attack alienate.. attack with grandma and my other relatives.. hard to deal with. All I want is to get along.
My grandma also had some king of psychosis. When the sun would come around to the living room she would grab her camera and go up to the big picture window and aim the camera up into the sky at the sun and click the shutter again & again. I got the nerve when I was 10 yrs old to ask her.. “Grandma what are you taking a picture of?” She swung around and said.. I can make the sun move when I click the shutter. She was also very suspicious and sneaky all my growing up years. She’d listen in on all my phone calls in grade school!!! I could only see one friend a week all my growing up years. She told my mom I want to take my granddaughter back to Seattle and raise her. My mom said OK!
But I was with my mom stepdad, and half sisters every summer all summer long, and when I was 12 yrs old my mom told me she didn’t want me to be raised by her mother, but she was to afraid to say no to her mother. My mom was scared to death of her mom.
Sounds more like Borderline Personality Disorder, in my opinion.
Hello, I’m a 38 year old male married to my beautiful wife for 17 years, looking for a woman’s perspective on narcissism. I’ve been reading up on NPD and believe that I may be a victim of NPD abuse. There two sides to every story and will admit I screwed up a lot within the marriage. Mainly with pornography. I knew my wife’s complete dislike for porn before we got married. So, there is some serious trust issues, that I’ve caused. My wife is a strong willed woman. She’s calles me names, emasculates, demeans, and belittles me, not only in private but also in front of my kids. At first I thought this is what marriage is supposed to be like. So I thought nothing of it. If she didnt get her way, it was a huge argument that would almost everytime end in some belittlement. The years went on and I would get caught watching porn, i would be remorseful, and she would “forgive” me. About 2 years ago I got caught watching porn. We both agreed to have a parental control app placed on my phone. This app is awesome by the way, however she is able to control every aspect of my phone. She has access to my text messages phone apps, she is able to block one app or the entire phone for compliance. Which I can’t stand. This is the only way she can be secured in knowing that I am being loyal and trustworthy. Within these past two years the verbal abuse has turned physical, with her trying to knee me in the growing, pinching my arms, till they bleed, while she is screaming she hates me. This is because I accuse her of messaging other guys after i saw a picture of her exposed breasts that she sent some guy. So, i too have a little bit of trust issues that I have to deal with. Here latelt she has begun to call me sarcastic in some of our arguments. Which im not, it’s basically me saying no, or telling her I dont know when i would do something she asks. She will then began calling me a fat a** b****, fat loser of a husband, stupid fat a** mother f*****. I began to start shutting down after these name calling episodes. I would hold affection from her and just feel depressed. I’d mope around not wanting to talk to her or even think about touching her. She then starts saying stop feeling sorry for myself, that I am trying to play the victim to circumstances that Ive created. I’ve expressed my concern of her emasculating and demeaning behavior. She tells me to stop being so sensitive. Now about a month ago, i screwed up big time. I created a fake dating website profile. My intention was not to meet up with anybody, i just wanted to talk with a woman who my find me attractive and not tell me how much of a loser my wife believes i am. No luck there, the woman were all scams, and I got caught. She began saying how much she hated me, that I was a bad husband, that I didn’t have much to offer in bed, in fact that I was lame in bed. I told myself that if she said something like that again I was done. Well, my wife is big in yoga and very good at it. She posts her progress on Instagram. She has a lot of people that like her pictures, especially men who comment on her pictures, saying how much they want to message her and stuff like that. Well, she looked on my google account and noticed thst i looked a instsgram user. It was a female page, i also look on males pages. The page was sonething to do with fit women in bathing suits. She called me a f****** fat b**** and said she wanted a divorce. I said ok. We separated for one night, after agreeing for two weeks. She called me and asked if i was coming home. I said no, that I am trying to get help for myself. She began saying that if i didnt choose to come home, she will tell my kids that i was a bad husband and bad father for abandoning my family. So, here I am now.
Wanting to do what’s right and seek help for both of us. She wants to try and work it out, just as I, but i dont know when the next lashing will be. I love her, but i dont know if I can last. I am no saint as i screwed up. However, i dont treat her the way she treats me, and it’s not fair for me or the kids. She thinks im the narcissist. She thinks im verbally abusive because I say I want a divorce, than after her manipulation of how much she trully loves me, i change my mind. Im starting to believe that im the abusive one. If someone can give me a woman’s perspective or critizism, id greatly appreciate it.
Hope you are ok Mike. It sounds to me like your Mrs is definitely abusive. I’m no expert but after nearly 30 years with a narcissist the penny finally dropped. My biggest concern for you is your relationship with your kids. Honestly, if your wife thinks it’s ok to make her own porn and distribute it by choice but thinks your interest in looking at strangers is worse, she definitely got some major issues. Record her abuse. Talk to your kids if they are old enough. It doesn’t necessarily have to be about her behavior if you want to protect them from it -Just keep telling them you love them and you’re human. Does she ever control them too? I would try to expose her as discretely as possible to anyone that matters to her. I hope you get through it.
Run as fast as you can and never look back. Go NO CONTACT! Then, get some help to repair yourself and fix your own issues.
I’m very sorry that you are hurting Sir. I feel like you recognise your wife’s pain as well. I believe though that you need to learn the meaning of the words I’m sorry. It means I’m not going to do this again and I’m going to take steps to fix it. It seems you were unable to find a fair compromise for your sexually dissatisfied nature. That is why your wife shows of her tits. Voyerism is good well exhibitionism is good as well. She wants to chosen. She wants to be included. She wants honesty. Repeated lies of a sexual nature de-values a woman’s sense of self worth. A desire for variety although natural is so hard for women to come to terms with. It is so much more than jealousy. Sounds like she has a very harsh mouth. Maybe turn it into something kinky for the two of you. I have said horrible horrible things to my Narcissist Guy. Most of which I learned from him. He feels entitled to porn but becomes so infatuated with paper women that he finds me worthless in comparison. They make him feel so good and I come with emotions and responsibility. Therefore I suck. Please find patience and please know that porn can kill your ability to feel or give love. You can always win your girl back. Your wife will be a reflection of you.
I’m married to a covert narcissist and I have been pushed to have an emotional affair..is this common for a victim. .help
I think it is common. I was also pushed into an affair -by my friend!! She couldn’t watch me being miserable anymore. She was hoping I would change my perspective and I did. I am much stronger now and making plans to separate. A child slightly complicates things as she is a victim already. Get out, if you can. all best
I wish the government would do something with these types of people. These people are dangerous and I have lived with 2, they are not out for anyone’s safety and security. I tired to commit suicide at the age of 8 because of my mother always making me feel inadequate, in addition to being very tall for my age and being picked on at school didn’t help my self esteem. I ended up marrying one, not realizing his true colors until much later. My ex husband scared me more because I actually saw him take on multiple personalities, I now know why he never liked being around a group of people , he had mirrored so many people, he didn’t even know who he was. It was the most traumatizing experience I have ever had. If you don’t have money or resources to get out , You can feel so trapped. I had to leave or die, which I think he was trying to do ( kill me and make it look like an accident ). Living with these parasites is like living in a horror movie.
Ive been in a bad relationship with a narc 4 almost 2 years.finally got the guts 2 leave him.its been 3 weeks now and im REALLY having a bad time adjusting 2 the situation,im constantly thinking about him and if he is doing ok.he screwed me up nt only mentally bt also financially.dnt know what 2 do 2start 2heal
Having a hard time myself. Going through it right now. Don’t know how to get through this.
BLESSINGS to each one of you!!
My victimization has been at the hands of my daughter-in-law…It’s been an ongoing 10yr ordeal for me….3 yrs ago she FINALLY found an excuse that was palatable for my Son to agree with and completely remove my grand children from my life…..and of course, like any narcissist do….its ALWAYS based on a completely twisted lie and with no proof & they’re ALWAYS the victim! I found out later that her reason to remove my solid bonded, since their births, relationship with my gbabies was due to overt jealousy of me & the gbabies solid normal loving relationship….isn’t that a complete shame….
So after almost 3 yrs have gone by….my entire family & all my grown extended family have been TOTALLY destroyed….we no longer have family holidays or dinners together….this has left me feeling numb & emotionally/mentally destroyed & exhausted. On the rare chance that I do see my grandchildren…they no longer know what to say to me & act scared to even look my direction if their parents are in sight, especially their mom….
I’m learning to cope….in the 7 yrs prior to my gbabes being stolen out of my life, (google Alienated Grandparents Anonymous if this has happened to you) my DIL was doing all the characterics of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) to me & I had no idea other than the extreme emotion/personality rages/extremes….being sweet as pie when we were in public/family or when she wanted something from me, having to walk on eggshells, constantly apologizing for nothing ….being verbally bullied & publically humiliated, etc all the while knowing in my heart of hearts I wasn’t guilty of any of the lies but because I’d never heard of a Malignant Narcissist Sociopath…I had know idea what I was up against. Since the last ordeal I’ve encountered with my DIL & enabling victimized Son I have learned a ton about this personality disorder….my own medical physician was raised in a NPD family…he told me the only way to stop the NPD abuser was to distant yourself from them as far as you can….or it will continue! He was ABSOLUTELY right….and it gets worse if you don’t! I can’t EVEN discribe how hard it was for me to accept this reality….it forced me to have to make the decision to distance myself (for sanity sake) and I have to tell you….it literally about killed me…..I still believe I had mini strokes for about a couple years off & on….it has been the hardest thing to do in my life next to forgiving them….NOT condoning their actions! There’s a huge difference in making yourself free from guilt in forgiving & allowing yourself to be the battered shell that NPD ppl live for! And there’s a website called Biblical Answer To Narcissism (or titled close to that) or Overcoming Narcissist Biblically which had some GREAT insight for me. It even has scriptures to pray for yourself & for their deliverance!
Also, I have since learned that there is a range, if you will, for NPD people….the low end of this range is a healthy narcissism which includes taking care if your health, personal attention to your attire & grooming,etc…..the high end is the scariest for me which is they can become a psychopath…..Google it for yourselves….
My prayers are with you all….don’t be a victim….be an overcomer…..lots of love, Sherry
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What to do if I have lost contact with most of what would be my support system when deciding to stand up for myself and either leave or be me again?
I’ve learned over the 7 years of being divorced what I’m actually dealing with. It was never an ‘aha’ moment. I had to be around him consistently for 8 days through our daughters surgery. It occurred to me through the downright evil, yet covert, actions he displayed that this type of influence could be to drive the person to the point of suicide. Maybe he will feel fulfilled and accomplished right? I can’t wrap my brain around the intent or reason for.
Any ideas or do’s and don’t’s to helping my son who is living with his narcissistic girlfriend and is being manipulated, but doesn’t see it? Most professionals have been telling me to focus only on him and what he has going on and not her so as to not alienate him from us (his parents). He lives out of state which makes it even harder and more complicated to try to help him. Thank you!
The worst thing about toxic people is when they manage to drag you down to their level. Unfortunately, they enjoy hurting others, but you, as an empathetic victim don’t. So even if you “fight” back, you’ll ending up feeling so guilty about being a “bad” person that you’ll hurt yourself with negative self-talk even as you’re defending yourself.
The important thing is to forgive yourself. You’re a victim, and need to stay away from toxic people. It’s easy for a narcissist/sociopath to spot someone who has been a victim before. Somehow, we’re “trained,” and they can spot it. So you have to be very careful.
And for any “faults” you have, there’s a line I heard somewhere…something like, “You may not be the best little girl in the world, but you’re not the worst, either.” As in, you’re human, sane, and normal and have normal reactions to being treated bad. Don’t feel guilty.
And you always have others who understand and are on your side, even though we never will probably meet you. You’re not alone, and everyone’s not against you. 🙂
Leaving relationship after 29 years of marriage. Finally came to light what I was actually dealing with in my marriage. I’m a very strong person so I haven’t completely been destroyed by his behavior towards me like many victims. But for years could not put my finger on while asking myself” what was that”? I’ve been mentally abused; name called, belittled, called a liar, divorce thrown at my face, pressured to conform to his desires and wants. No emotional support, believed others above me, labelled as crazy and crazy jealous. My opinion meant nothing. My feelings meant nothing. No I’m sorry or no apologies. Leaving. Kids are grown. Eyes opened and can’t live like this anymore!
Hi Josephine, Had same thing – been married 31 years and 2 years ago I saw characteristics of narcissist on Pinterest (of all things!) Talk about a light bulb moment – everything just fell into perfect place. Completely set me free from him emotionally, and you know what? If he bullied me, I attacked him right back, and boy did he back down fast. Have spent the past two years emotionally disconnecting myself from him, doing this at my pace, and what suits me. Have asked him for a divorce, but he thinks I am just pretending. Started new job, getting my ducks in a row, and then will kick him to the kerb. Can’t wait!
Why does this sound so familiar???? I am afraid it may have come to a head for us after 19 years together and 17 years of marriage. I am still unsure of what I want to do, but it has caused me to do things I would never do and be someone I am not.