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Learning everything we can about narcissism is the first step in our healing.
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Learning everything we can about narcissism is the first step in our healing.
After Narcissistic Abuse 
I left my hardiest 9 months ago, we still saw each other on and off. He has met someone new and I am broken.I am trying to move on but someday are tough. Help
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First love first marriage left over 10 time divorced moved back left five other times. Last time he told me to get the fuck out of HIS house. I should have known it was comming again…. all the signs were there. Months ago I pissed him off and my belongings were ripped from my closet thrown outside. I was broken when he met me and shattered now that he has discarded me. I can’t sleep I can’t eat I am a shell I am nothing. My heart races at night to the point I think I’m having a heart attack. My body mind mentally and physically is shutting down and I don’t care. I am so tired I am so broken.
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I’m a survivor and I’ve only just found out what has been holding me back all my life and why I have had such trouble in relationships. The last relationship I had was with such a dangerous narcissist that it has in someways been my saving.. It has led me here. In a weird way I can thank him for that although I worry about the pain he continues to cause others who may not have the strength. What a sad and dispicable creature he is.. So grateful I have found you all..
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I feel like this website is exactly where I need to be right now. Thank you so much for posting all of this great information. I’m just so pissed off at my narcissistic ex-husband, it’s making me sick.
I don’t know where to start, so here goes. My son is choosing to live with his father who (come to find out after being married for 10 years) is a full blown narcissistic bastard. I could go on and on about how my son’s “cool dad” is pumping our now 19-yr-old son full of drugs to treat his “anxiety”, but Tony’s anxiety has only gotten worse over the last 2 years (duh), and his dad refuses to take him to the doctor (or God forbid “lets” ME take him). Seriously. NO JOKE. Obviously he’s been hiding so many secrets (about him literally keeping Tony sick), that he’s afraid to get called out by the doctor for being such a shitty father for so long (it doesn’t take a rocket scientist). If you look up “narcissistic sociopath” in the dictionary his friggin’ picture would be there. What a careless prick. Unthinkable.
Tony has paid so many prices for his father’s behavior (let him drop out of school, and literally turned him into a drug addict with no friends left). Thankfully, I’ve been having luck lately finding the right tools in order to be more loving to my son whenever he tries to pull that same crap with me. Now, I’ve been able to either lovingly talk him down, or have my keys handy so I can quickly get the hell out of there ASAP if the shit hits the fan anyway.
Even though Tony has been raised by the KING OF THE NARCISSISTS, he still has his own soul deep down inside and will love me until the end of time. If he ever becomes willing to be his own man and breaks free of his father’s “narcissistic spell”, I’m grateful that he’ll have as much knowledge, love and support available to him (and more) as I’ve received here.
Thanks again to everyone who is running this site. I don’t feel so alone anymore.
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I was married to narcissist for over 30 years. It took the death of my Dad to give me the wakeup call I had been searching for!
Six years ago, enough was enough, all I remember feeling was it was the right decision to make. I didn’t know about narcissism then and the affect it had had on me and our children who were all young adults but lots of discussions have ensued and are still occuring today.
The damage he has caused us and is still trying to from afar is incalculable. Being narcissistically abused is insidious, painful and difficult to quantify to anyone outside. He manipulated his parents, brother and whoever else to the point where they never had contact with my children again, until yesterday when two of my four children decided to attend their paternal Grandfathers funeral. They returned, my Son said he “hated” his Dad and my Daughter confirmed that it was all his doing and his narcissistic persona was still at large!
At least we now know we have some understanding of how to deal with it in the flesh if we are so inclined or distance ourselves completely by having no contact at all, which I and my two other daughters prefer.
I have remained single to this day and am unable to imagine my life with another man. I know good men are out there, I’m not a man hater but I mistrust my judgement. My eldest daughter has had two horrendous relationships based on the relationship with her dad and lots of therapy, my other children managed to get away when they were younger.
The affects of narcissistic abuse never go, but I am happier than I would be if I had continued in a marriage with a manipulative pathological liar, who used his family for his inflated ego!
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I was dating a guy for 8 months. When we first met he started aggressively pursuing me and I was flattered. We began dating and whenever we were together I felt so special. We texted throughout the day everyday and then spoke on the phone for hours each night. When we’d see each other he couldn’t take his hands off me. The one day, about 4 months in, he didn’t call or text. I thought this was odd. He also refused to befriend me on Facebook saying his facebook profile was for professional use only (even though there were private/friendly conversations on it too). I kept asking him about the facebook issue, telling him its seemed like he was hiding me. He said I was being ridiculous, that all his friends knew we were together so he wasn’t hiding me. From the few posts I could see on his Facebook page, i found a picture from a recent even where he was with a girl. I got a gut feeling about her and immediately googled her to learn what I could. The other things began happening, like he would tell me he was doing one thing and then I’d notice on social media he had done something different, gone to an event he didn’t tell me about, do a photoshoot I didn’t know about. He used to tell me everything and suddenly I felt like he was hiding things. Then one day I saw his phone was in the living room while he was asleep i n my bed. I don’t know why but I grabbed it and began looking through his texts and came across the girl’s name I’d seen photos of him with. I opened the conversation and sure enough, he was dating her. I didn’t really have a right to be mad because we hadn’t discussed exclusivity, even though I thought we were. So I spoke to him about it later that night and we decided to be exclusive. I had asked if he’d been dating anyone else, and he said no, but I rationalized it as he was just trying to spare my feelings. But as our relationship progressed, I began seeing more photos of him and this girl out at events, but only on her social media. I started to question him about this and he would just say she was a model he was working with, or a photographer he worked with or just a friend. I asked why he couldnt take me to teh events and he said he was invited as a guest, so he couldnt and he didnt tell me about them because he felt bad he couldnt take me. then one day I found a picture of the two of them kissing on the red carpet and sent it to him asking him to explain. He got defensive and accused me of stalking him on social media and told me the designer they worked for asked them to kiss. I asked if I could meet this girl and he said he didn’t think it was a good idea, but he’d think about it. I cared so much for him and was completely falling for him so even though my gut told me he was lying and cheating on me, I wanted to believe him so much. He asked me if we could just get past this and I said ok. But a few days later, at 1 am on Valentine’s day, he called and broke up with me. He said it was for my benefit because he couldnt give me what i wanted at this time. That he was too busy with his career and did not have time to invest in a relationship with me. I asked him if there was someone else and he swore there wasn’t. He also said he didn’t want us to be over, that I shouldn’t think we’d never be together again. So I clung to that hope. In the meantime, i checked up on the red carpet events he said he couldn’t bring me to and found out that he could, all he had to do was submit my name and pay $25, it was open to anyone. The i started seeing photos of him and the same girl popping up on his and her social media… he always listed her as “model” and when I’d call him upset he’d insist they were just working together and there was nothing going on between them. Then one day I had to stop by his place because I had left some earring there I wanted back. While there, i planned on finally confronting him face-to-face and getting the truth about this girl. I set my phone up to record our conversation so I could get him on tape lying to me about being with this girl I asked if he cheated on me and he said he had stopped dating her when we became exclusive. I asked if he was seeing her now and he emphatically insisted he wasn’t, they just worked together alot. add throughout the course of the conversation he began dropping lines like “I’ve missed you” and “I want to see you again…” Eventually he pulled me in close and kissed me and my will just dissipated. I gave in. I wanted to believe him so badly because I had such immense feelings for him. I told him trust was an issue for me and he said I was just seeing what I wanted because I have trust issue and that I was just being insecure. We wound up hooking up. The whole time the phone kept recording. When I left, I asked if I would hear from him and he said yes. A week passed and I didn’t hear from him so I texted him asking what the other day had meant. He didn’t answer initially so i texted again that I guess his silence answered my question. The he replied that he’d just be soo busy, and that I could have contacted him too, but in any case he was glad that I had now. So we talked a bit, but it wasn’t liek it used to be. That continued for a few days. All the while I continued to monitor this other girls social media and began seeing pictures of the two of them with the hastag #modelcouple #cutestcouple #cutecouplealert. Even on some of the photos he posted had those hastags. I asked him about it and he claimed it was just for promotion. I listened to the recording over and over, to all the sweet things he said to me. I was willing to wait to be with him when he had more time, which he promised would be soon. Then a few days later I saw a post on her social media stating that they were celebrating their 6 month anniversary, which meant he was definitely cheating on me. I immediately messaged her telling her he was lying to her and that he had been my bf while they were together. I sent her a private message describing the whole situation and included photos of us together as well as the recording. I gave her my number to tcall me if she wanted to talk. I felt so bad for her, she shouldnt have to be lied to and cheated on like I was. Having been cheated on before, i wish someone would have told me. She called me and thanked me profusely. We wound up exchanging stories and I became disgusted with what I learned. not only had he first asked her out on my b-day, but there were times when I would leave his place and she’d show up just a few hours later. He bought us the same gifts, took us on similar dates, he even used a bday present i had gotten him for us to use, with her. She also informed me that she had been the one getting him all the jobs he’d recently been so busy with. She felt he had been using her for work and sex. I just felt like he’d used me for sex. She broke up with him and blocked his number, but he begged her for forgiveness and said he could change, but I got no apology. I found out he had been lying to his own brother as well, that he told them she was just a co-worker too. The I get a message from her telling me the police just called her and that he filed a report against me for illegally recording him. I was shocked and devastated. I had cared so much for this man, i wen tout of my way for him, i would have done anything for him and he constantly lied to me and cheated on me, and now he was trying to get me arrested. How could this person I’d loved for 8 months be so cruel and heartless. I feel so violated and deceived. And I’m terrified he will take me to court and sue. If I hadn’t found out definitively that he was cheating on me, I would never have sent her the recording, but I knew she needed to hear it, to hear him lie about being with her and to hear him tell me he misses me. I had not intended to sleep with him that day, i thought he was mad at me to begin with. I only sen the recording to her as proof so she wouldnt fall victim to his lies like i had. She thanked me and told me if not for the recording she would have believed him and stayed with him. I’ve never let anyone else listen to the recording, just her. And I don’t intend to let anyone else ever hear it. But he’s trying to bring legal action against me. Who is this man i was in a relationship with? He has no soul, I don;t know who this person is and why he just wants to keep hurting me even more than he already did.
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I was married to one of these “people” for 14 years, then divorced in ’88 thats another 28 yrs, 42 in all. being attacked for 42 years and not knowing why until last December is devastating, I have just come out of hospital after suffering a stroke in March and in hosp for 49 days, 4 hours and 54 minutes (no joke),from November 2015 i have been unable to walk and now I am confined to a wheel chair, all of this i put down to 42 years of abuse, now I am aware of narcissism and trying to fight my way out of my hell with the help of my Saviour Jesus Christ.
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This page has been a miracle to me. I don’t feel alone anymore, which is a relief. I’ve been in relationships like this, with family, friends, or significant others, my whole life and this is helping me see straight for the first time in a long time. I was doing so well until I met another narcissist last year and got sucked back in. Thankfully I was able to pull myself out recently before too much time had passed due to my paranoia and PTSD, but I’ve been beating myself up over how idiotic I was to not see through it from the beginning. I feel like I regressed years, and this has already helped to remind myself that I can beat this and I can come back from this again. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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I think my baby has saved my life. I knew from the beginning that my ex wasn’t good for me, and as our relationship went on he became more and more manipulative and abusive. But I was in a dark place and I didn’t care. When I found out I was pregnant I thought things were going to be different. He told me that things were going to be different, and he was wonderful for several days. But one night he said that if I wasn’t willing to commit to being with him for the whole twenty years of raising the child then we couldn’t be together. As I got ready to leave he became very angry, threw all of my things out the door onto the ground, and when I tried to walk out he grabbed my hood and wouldn’t let me leave. He stood in front of me and put his hand around my throat. He kept me there all night, though I tried to leave several times. When I left the next morning, he got mad at me because I was still afraid of him, and didn’t want him to touch me. He had choked me several times before this, before I found out I was pregnant. He kept asking for a second chance, saying I was breaking his heart and crying when I started setting boundaries. He isolated me from my parents and my best friend while I was with him. If my mom wanted to spend time with me while I was with him and I had to leave, he would get angry and upset, and say I didn’t care about him, I never spent any time with him, he obviously wasn’t important to me. He would get into moods all the time and spend hours just saying the most awful things to me. The only reason I tolerated it was because I was in that dark place. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I started setting boundaries. After the incident at his house I refused to go to his house with him, to be alone with him, although it took a couple of days for me to actually implement those. He got me so confused in my head, he always played the victim. I was the one who was hurting him, who was wrong for not giving him a second chance, for not seeing how much he loved me. I knew what he was doing wasn’t right, but I didn’t know what exactly I should do about it. Thankfully the more boundaries I set, the more angry and manipulative and abusive he became. I finally broke up with him, and he went crazy, threatening suicide, actually self harming, all to try and get me to get back with him. I had to call 911 because I didn’t know if he was going to kill himself or not. He was always so up and down. One minute he was sweet and understanding and caring, the next almost evil. He was always demanding more of my time, my affection, more of everything. He got mad because I had to go to school, he was constantly accusing me of cheating. I’m so glad I got out when I did because I could tell it was just going to get worse and worse. Thankfully we were only together for a few months, but it was long enough for him to have me so confused that I debated for several weeks about whether to break up with him or stay with him because “the baby has a right to know their father”. The last time I talked to him I told him that if he wanted to talk to me or ask about my or the baby’s health he could meet me once a month in person. He hasn’t talked to me since. Every interaction we’ve had was all about him getting something from me. I honestly want nothing to do with another relationship, ever. I just don’t have the energy to deal with catering to another person’s needs all the time. Not with this baby on the way. If I never look at another person in my life, I won’t mind. All I need are my friends, my family, and my new baby.
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There’s a certain freedom in that- having no energy to give to anyone else. To not want a relationship with anyone. I know with time it’ll change for you and for myself as well, but…the quiet is soothing.
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Amen to that, I definitely can relate.
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I feel as if I am reading my whole
Life with this ex of mine. Even the time when you posted this (dec 2015) is pretty creepy because that’s when I got pregnant with this Narc too! My babe is now almost 11 mo, I have left him last week and I couldn’t have been happier. I have doubted my decision for a week straight. Only because of the baby. And then I train my mind to remember the horrible treatment he put me under for so long. Horrible verbal abuse my baby had to watch and hear. I honestly want to get full custody. Reason I left was (I thiight) to be his anger issue including deal with anymore, change of moods, bad verbal abuse and harassment. Now I see it’s all in one goddamn disorder!! He falls into each category doing all of the above described things.
How did I not know or read about this disorder?! He is actually blaming me and calling me psychopath. That I have patterns in my behaviors… Holy crao it’s all
Mirrored to hik actually! So I guess when he’s been accusing me of cheating it’s been him
The entire time. Sooooooo disgusted!!! I just want full custody at this point and nothing to do with him.
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I’ve tried all I can and he’s is merciless and on a mission to destroy me. He’s constantly using the children and that’s what devastates me. He’s conning them just like he did me. As children, they aren’t capable of knowing this but I have to watch it happen daily.
He did make a huge mistake and left a voice message saying how much he hates me, what a horrible person I am, that he doesn’t care if I’m destitute, homeless, starving and had to eat my animals ( my children’s pets) to survive. He goes on and on of course. Shortly after this he assaulted me, I obtained an Ex Parte. He’s violated it about 5 times.
Being the utmost Narc, he took me to court 2 weeks after being in court to address the children’s holiday schedule. The judge set forth a schedule. His birthday happen to be on one of “my” days assigned to me by the Judge. The Narc then starts communicating with me to change the schedule we just had set in court so he could have his birthday. I contacted my attorney, he said give him his bday. I sent him a message saying he could keep the children on his birthday. Later that day I was notified that he had filed a Motion to change the schedule that the Judge had recently set. All of this so he could have HIS birthday. Even after I offered to give him that day, he filed anyway.
It’s endless crazy making, it’s financially draining me. I work and provide all for my children as he refuses to work because of arrearages and back child support from 25 years ago. He lives with his elderly parent and has no expenses. He has an LLC which brings in money whenever he feels like working. I have full coverage ins for kids and recently found out he applied and is receiving welfare benefits so he won’t have to pay children’s co-pays or medication. This also rolled over to free lunches at school. I make decent money and reported him to the proper authorities.
An investigator from our state called me last week, so hopefully this self entitled loser will not have the chance to abuse the welfare system. He’s also getting food stamps. I pay all housing, food, clothing, mess, ins. etc.
My food bill for kids only is $800-$1000 monthly. The legal fees have drained me, I’ve exhausted my 401k, several bank loans, I’ve gotten behind on all other bills because of his endless harassment using the legal system.
Everyday is a battle, much less so with the Ex Parte. He tried to have my children transferred to old school that did nothing to help my son who has a reading disability. The Narc and I agreed to transfer kids to a better school over the summer. They’ve been excelling there and my child is receiving reading help one on one daily and tutoring 2 hrs. Twice weekly!! What a blessing and God send. He told me, kids and the school he was purchasing a $400K house in this district.
I get a call on a Friday from their new school that the kids were being transferred back to old school on Monday. I called the Narc, he said he received an email that someone found out the kids didn’t live in school district and had to be transferred. I then all the new school because I didn’t receive this email. The Narc reported his own children stating they don’t live in district and he has no plan to move!
He could care less about the kids getting a better education and one on one help. Anything to hurt me is his priority.
That Friday I was notified about them being transferred, within 3 hours I found a place for me and my children so they could stay at their new school.
It’s something everyday. He uses the children everyday. I just lost my best friend, my rock that I’ve leaned on since this battle began going on 2 years. I’m broke, without any kind of emotional support now and don’t know how to continue the nightmare.
The financial aspect eats at me. I barely had money to buy my kids Christmas. They got 1 gift.
The thing is, he will never stop. It’s a game to him. I’m wearing down fast. Nothing bothers him as he told me he’s never felt guilt over anything. Yes, I know this as his abuse in front of the kids continues. I think the day is coming for him to pay the price for all the damage he’s done and continues to do. I don’t know how I can keep this fight going as Ive lost all support, finances drained and job on the line for missing work due to his actions.
Everyone says to hang in there, don’t give up. How can I? Where can I keep getting money? I’ve sold everything I can think of. I’m not giving up the fight for my kids, but realistically the legal team wants to be paid.
Feeling hopeless.
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My stomach is in a knot. I could have written this myself. I am so sorry, no one deserves this –not you, not me. I hope things get better for us both.
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It’s been a while since you wrote this, so I hope things are much better for you. But for anyone reading and identifying with your post (like me) — I want to share the best advice I got while experiencing this: Don’t play his game. Don’t. He is the puppeteer and we have to respond and he makes up the rules as he goes along — we are literally at his mercy. I learned that I had to ‘go submarine’ — not respond to him at all and leave him a little confused. All the while I very quietly planned and carried out my own exit very quickly and lightly. He had no idea; and yes, he still tried to get me into his nightmare…I let him think I was stupid (it was tough). I played dumb, played dead…submarine. Crazy making is his game…learn quickly his (very predictable) cycles of keeping you dancing in his nightmare then change the rules and win! A very good lawyer is essential.
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Hi everyone I totally understand where everyone is coming from~ I myself have been involved with a narc. For three years .i am out of it 3 years and yet things affect me and trigger me. You see it doesn’t matter what they think of you never really has cause they always and always make it about them , sad however true … They use and abuse you and while doing this they are looking for more food. When they feel and realize they can’t abuse you anymore there on to the next one and make you feel like you never existed. Please people don’t feel bad we are human. I sought help in the way of counselling it has helped some ,I’m coping . There is a process out there called BDMR may I suggest whomever can look into this please do .I believe in my heart of hearts we all suffer PTSD it’s brutal this is why when we are out of it ,it continues to affect us . I’m looking in my city for someone they may be sparse but they are out there. Whatever the cost I believe it helps, I know ppl who’s had it done and it’s really remarkable.
I feel and understand what everyone is going through I so do. It’s sad that there are so many predators out there. I’m being honest when I say I’m not so sure I will be able to trust another man. There is someone for someone . If those of you seeking another please do not settle.
I found out a long time ago that narcs and codependance go hand in hand how perfect for the narc. Codependance wants to fix everything and the narc. laps it all up like a kitten with a fresh bowl of milk. I’m not here to judge just stating facts. If there is anyone that I know going through this I am here to offer my help and support.
I believe I was and am one of the fortunate ones to get out cause it was about to become physical cause he was loosing control of me and to this day he still is trying to make contact and thinking he did nothing wrong so absurd to say the least.
I want all of you to realize you are worthy,you are loved and you are loveable we all are we were too trusting ,again being human. I wish everyone the best of everything and know you can get out and away from this it requires so much strength however you can do it..
There are horrid stories I could tell however I will say this when we’re at his apartment he called me a white trash whore then we left and when we got out on the street he acted like everything was so perfect well it wasn’t ! Everything with them is a show but their mask does fall.
Thanks everyone sending lots of love,light and prayers for whomever needs it .. Alli. ❤️❤️😇🙏⭐️
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Knowledge is truly light…I have been associated with Narcisstic abuse my entire life in one form or another and not until this last year and my second marriage did I find this informationa dn understand it all…I left my second marriage abuser last year and never looked back but then found this site and began to devour the articles and was amazed at it all….so now I understand and why it happened and how I got hooked up with all of them…I am now 69 years old and my life is pretty well spent but at least in the last of it I can live it in peace and knowledge of how, why, and where it all came from and how I was so duped! Thank you for this Site from the bottom of my heart! Karen
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It’s a year to the day when my narcissist left me for his childhood sweetheart and I am having trouble dealing with it tonite; I am in tears, although realizing he never loved or cared about me, and it was all about him, its still so hard to bear…I thought I was doing good, and for the most part, I am, I’m better off, I know, but today brings back that pain…I just can’t seem to fathom that this person who I devoted 15 years of my life to, and gave up so much for, never gave a flying flute about me at all…it’s devastating…
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The pain is awful but I am getting more used to it and its potency is less intense each time. You are not alone and I have now learned to used the pain to find self love.. You poor darling I know how you feel.
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I was married to a man for 30 years. Why? I kept thinking I could make it right and when it wasn’t, it was my fault. I used to say “I’m sorry” every other word. I was strong but I grew weak. I married very young. A lot of it was my fault cause I allowed his behavior to continue. One day we were having a nice day out. I asked him what he was thinking. Just happily going along. He turned on me so fast and told me he did not have to tell me what was in his brain. I felt whipped. Later that day he came to me and asked if I still wanted to know. He said he was picturing hanging me over the balcony with a rope around my neck with my tongue hanging out. One night after a drunken rage where he stomped out, I sat on the stairs and wondered what I was doing to my health. I’ve been divorced 13 years. I have a blood cancer called Myelofibrosis. It’s caused by a gene mutation but not at birth. The experts think it could be caused by extreme stress.
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Charlotte I hope you are doing well. I’m so glad you got out and I am sending prayers you’re healed.
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Carly, You are a Child of God and deserve so much better! Call a domestic violence shelter ASAP!!! They will help you with the rest. It only gets worse if you stay. Good Luck and be safe!!
Philippians 4:13 states; I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me.
God will be with you and I will be praying for a hedge of protection for you and your children.
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Carly, my narcissistic father has led me to believe that I am incapable of achievement and independence. I struggle with these false belief patterns every day and am so glad to hear that you recognize the problem and want to get your children out.
There were several times when my mother and I left, often relying on a friend– once not even a close friend. Confide in someone sympathetic to your situation and go from there. I find this site to have a wealth of valuable resources: http://leavingabuse.com/.
The key is to NEVER RETURN. Thank you for being a good mother, the world doesn’t need any more long-term victims of narcissistic abuse. Hold on to your power, you can overcome his pull.
Hope that helps.
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I desparately need advice. I’m in a relationship with a full blown NARC. I have to get our children away from him. In the past, he’s threatened and acted upon these threats with lies to everyone and anyone regarding the children and me trying to take them away from himl. I can’t let my children be manipulated and lied to, abused any longer. He has ties to law enforcement, etc., and I know he would tell massive lies to regain power if I tried to leave. I have to get my children and myself out of this hell. He’s financially destroyed me and I feel trapped and hopeless. I work, but have no living family. I don’t have a safe place to go to get away from this monster. The “system” in this city for help with this type of domestic violence, I fear, has nothing to offer. Not sure anyone around here is privy to narc abuse. I can’t go to a shelter, he knows enough people in “the system” to spin the situation around to me being the one at fault, etc. Please, can anyone help us? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Carly
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Carly, I am in the same situation, but without children. I am praying for your deliverance, whether it is though God making a way of escape, or your spouse’s salvation and deliverance. If I leave, I lose my home, part of my pension and will possibly have to take care of him with alimony. I am waiting on God’s deliverance. I get frustrated so many times at his behavior, but God keeps letting me know that he see’s and will make a way! Please hang in there, God is faithful and will make a way for you and the children.
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I wanted to reply to Carly: You need to gather evidence and witnesses that you can use in court to prove he’s the monster he actually is. Check to see if in your state you can record a phone conversation if ‘one party’ (you) knows the phone call is being recorded, and set him up to make threats and whatever other verbal abuse he does to you in phone conversations (this is a little more difficult if you only have a cell phone though, but a tiny digital recorder held near the earpiece ought to work, or put him on speakerphone). You can ask an attorney at Avvo.com about the legality of recording him and also other questions. Most attorneys will advise you not to even if it’s legal in your state because courts can frown on it but you are fighting for your life and your kids so do what you need to do. Take dated notes of everything he does that you will likely one day need in court. If you have access to his computer you can install a hardware or software keylogger to record his online conversations and find out what schemes he’s up to, but be careful about that because it’s likely to be used against you if you are caught, and tell NOBODY you are doing so, not even the person you trust most. Avoid telling any of your friends and family what you are doing so that it doesn’t get back to him inadvertently, this is VERY important as he will likely have allies that you think you trust who will stab you in the back. You need to put on a false face to fight him, don’t get angry and warn him in any way. If you have witnesses to any of his evil behaviors you should have them write down and sign and date their statements as new situations develop, then keep them somewhere he’ll never find them, like locked up at work or in a bank’s safe deposit box that the doesn’t know about and which you can access with a combination instead of a key. If hidden cameras and sound recordings might prove useful, use them, especially if he is abusive to the kids when you’re not around. Be prepared for the long haul as it takes time to gather evidence and you don’t want to spring it on him too early if you can avoid it. If you can prove he’s doing anything criminal you’ll need good evidence but it might be possible to get him put in prison, otherwise your best hope short of doing something really illegal yourself that could get you on death row is the court system. Avoid wasting your time on counselors and therapists who will just want you to talk about your feelings, you need to take action. However if your kids are old enough you might want to get them some professional help that way, either secretly or disguised as some other reason. If they’re old enough and understand there’s real abuse going on they will likely become your best witnesses in court, unfortunately because they shouldn’t have to be drawn into the drama but nonetheless extremely helpful to your case, which is ultimately for their benefit as well as yours.
I fought a psychopath more or less this way and it took several years but I finally won custody of the kids and stopped their psychopathic/narcissistic mother from driving drunk with them anymore and prevented them staying overnight at her house with her convicted sex offender new husband. It was a long haul but you are the only hope your kids really have so be strong and do what you need to do for their sake. BTW psychopaths are also narcissists, although not every narcissist is a full-bore psychopath, so you might want to educate yourself about psychopaths. The book that opened my eyes is called Without Conscience by Robert Hare, see the link associated with this comment.
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I have hundreds of texts with his threats and abusive statements. Just waiting to use it in court.
He left a voice mail saying he wanted me to die. I let the police listen to this the last time I called for Ex Parte violation. Officer said that statement is very abusive and to use it as evidence at Ex Parte hearing. It’s just the daily life with this monster. It’s taken over my life, always making notes, 2 year journal, have to care for my kids and act normal while living this hell. I’ve been entwined by the snares of the devil.
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I’m a DV survivor as well. Please GUARD THAT PHONE with evidence! You might want to consider buying a cheap 2nd phone to take pictures of the other phone’s text messages and email them to a private email you have/create. A 2nd phone is also good to have for emergency.
If it feels like he might figure out that you are planning to escape or collect evidence, throw him off course by telling him something really nice, like how much you appreciate him. This way you can stay safe for a while. Best wishes.
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Wow, Carly I do hope you found a way out?? There are other towns nearby that would offer shelters, etc. or the Salvation Army. There are ways and sometimes you just have to take the plunge and go! Oh I do hope you found help…Karen
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Interesting that there are no comments here on LIGHT. Maybe because its a new page, or maybe because most of us who have lived through a narcissistic relationship have a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I came across this website just looking for some honest reflection of what I have been feeling after a recent breakup with a Narcissist. I was so happy to see some of my thoughts validated on this site.
As I journeyed through my feelings after the breakup, here are some of my journal entries:
“I feel like something other than my heart is broken, something is damaged and I don’t know what. I need someone to help me understand with just happened”;
“I feel so isolated and alone. I cant explain it, and I cant find anyone who can help me understand these feelings”;
“I can’t believe that there is NO empathy, not one word of compassion or understanding how his behavior has affected me”;
“I can’t believe anything he says now, I feel like everything he has ever said is a lie. Now I have to sift through everything he told me and realize that it was all lies. I can’t believe I fell for it”
“How could he say he wants to marry me, shower me with gifts, tell me how much he loves me and my kids one day, and then so easily dismiss me the next? (literally the very next day he decided he needed to be with another girl)”; Who does that?
“I feel like I just got slammed into a brick wall”;
“I don’t understand these feelings of anxiety and confusion… I need some help. I need to understand”
I started seeing a therapist and we’ve met a handful of times but it wasn’t until I started reading through the pages on this website that I am finally feeling some validation and relief from the turmoil. I’m starting to see some light. This is an incredibly valuable website. Thank you so much for creating it and YES, knowledge IS power. The more we see what others are experiencing, the more light it shines on our own experience, and the more in touch we become with our true selves and our intuition.
The effect of being in a narcissistic relationship leaves us feeling like WE are the ones who are mentally ill, so I really appreciate the distinction between mental illness and Psychological damage. That really helped me to become more objective about what I am dealing with. As an analogy, my assistant just recently got run over by a car and her leg was broken. Nobody had any problem believing that she was in pain, that she needed surgery and would need to convalesce for a few weeks. Likewise, when we incur narcissistic damage we need to realize that our psyche gets “broken” and we need an internal surgery and time to convalesce. The “surgery” is validation of all the feelings we felt, but that were never acknowledged in the abuse; it is a restoration of our own intuition which was badly discredited and dismissed in the N relationship, and it is learning to embrace and value our own feelings once again.
I am feeling much more centered at the moment, Thank you ANA, and thank you to everyone who is willing to share their experience. You are loved.
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