About ANA
ANA was developed out of sheer desperation of the human spirit clinging to it’s last bit of hope.
Lost and confused after ending a long term relationship that at one point had felt like the greatest “love” of my life, I struggled to find answers and put a finger on just WHAT IT WAS that had gone so terribly wrong.
So desperate was my need for answers, I sat on my therapists couch, tears streaming down my face, begging him to tell me, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEE?”
His answer surprised me; and forever changed the way I view this world.
“You were in a domestically abusive relationship.”
“WHAT?????” I asked in utter shock. “But he didn’t “hit” me?”
He answered with, “Not with his fists. You are dealing with a narcissist. You have just ended an abusive relationship with a NARCISSIST.”
My mind whirled – when I heard my therapist name what it was – I began to be flooded with many examples from the narcissist’s behavior that fit what the therapist was telling me.
The narcissist lured me into a toxic relationship with LoveBombing: using charm, mind games, promises & flattery – sold me on a soul mate love that he’d never felt before and then proceeded to take every good thing he could from me; my love, my innocence, my trust, my sense of justice, my kindness, my empathy, my unconditional love, and my good name – and replaced it with abuse. Lies about me (he told others I was stalking him), death threats, false allegations, got me fired from jobs, created a fake website about me claiming that I was crazy, delusional, a drug addict, and even talked poorly about my children, who he was a father figure to for years.
The therapist ran over the list of symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder:
Lack of empathy? Check!
Boasting about his image? Check!
Perfectionism? Check!
Lack of boundaries? Check!
Expects special treatment? Check!
Obsessive Compulsive and sexually perverted? Check!
Pathological lying? Multiple serial affairs and cheating? Check!
Guilt tripping? Check!
Passive aggressive? Check!
Possessive, Jealous, downright mean? Check!
Controlling. Wouldnt ‘allow’ me to have feelings or express them? Check!
Loved by everyone on the outside – but HATED by those who know the real them? Check!
I was dating the poster boy for narcissism
For the first time in many years….I finally felt that IT WASNT ME, like the narcissist had blamed me for over & over. It explained why I’d never been able to do anything right to ‘earn’ his “love”.
From that day on, I promised God that if he brought me through the darkness, that I would pay forward the knowledge of everything I learned through my lesson, about the narcissist, their red flags, their abuse, my upbringing with a narcissistic parent, my own vulnerabilities and how to never allow myself to be exploited again by another narcissistic individual; be it a boss, boyfriend, family member or friend.
My philosophy is very simple: KNOWLEDGE IS POWER – I am making available all the knowledge I’ve gained as a result of this experience with a narcissistic abuser in an effort to help empower you and let you know that you are not alone in your suffering.
There truly is Light, Life, Love & Laughter after narcissistic abuse, It is my hope for you, that you truly come to know this for yourself.
xo,
ANA
After Narcissistic Abuse 
I was in a three year relationship with a man who asked me to marry him after dating for three weeks, I thought I had met Mr. Wonderful only to find out after the wedding that was actually a fake because he wouldn’t ever go get a marriage license, six months in to the mess of my life that he was still married to his second wife he left 14 years prior.
Not only did he lie, his 4 children kept the secret and his mother and when I confronted all of them, they simply said it wasn’t our story to tell. I stayed for 2 1/2 years trying to make it work before I was evicted from the second home because he kept running off with the rent money and I had two vehicles repossessed, however he left in the Camaro I co-signed for. I didn’t know what a narcissist was exactly but I am almost sure he is one.
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I am 36 weeks pregnant with a narcissist who have abused me emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually, financially. He cheated on me, he manipulated me, he lied about all kinds of things. Stole alot of money from me. He hit our puppy to make me obey. He once pushed my 8 year old daughter so she fell on the ground when he chased me. When he finnally catched me he pushed me down to the ground and scratched my face right infront of my daughter. He have been really mean to me infront of her several times. He hit me on my face and body before and during my pregnancy. He started to hit my belly and poked my belly as a threat when I became pregnant. He used to lock me in the car and take me to desert places to “kill me”. It ended up me sitting and beg him shacking with my palms togheter for just some air cuz I couldent breath because of the panic attack I got. He locked me in the house for hours and abused me mentally and emotionally mostly and he didnt stop until I was lying on the floor crying and screaming like crazy. He could film me to have proove of how crazy I am to others. He loved to play with me that he was suddenly leaving me or his favourite: telling me about his new girlfriend he have met and that they’re planning to have a baby and move in to a house. He often did this during my pregnancy so he could see or hear my reaction. I cried and was shaking until I throw up, everytime. And then he was acting the hero and started to comfort me. Telling me he was just messing with me cuz he was angry. Sometimes he showed me pictures of the new girlfriend and also a pregnacy test once. I wanted to leave him so many times but he forced me sometimes to stay and I knew I just have to forgive and forget to remain peace until maybe someday, when I get stronger in myself I will get myself free. I suffered from a long history of only beeing with men who treated me bad before I met this narc. He was the worst one for sure. I dont know what a secure, carring and a loving relationship is. My mother was a alcoholic, abused by her alcoholic man since I was a child. I didnt feel she cared much about me. I was abused and put down alot when I grew up by bullies in school and my brother at home who hit me almoust eveyday. I was niglected by my father who spend most of his attention to his other family and his own activities. I have always been very much alone in life. And rejected when I have tried to not be alone anymore. Thats why it was so new and felt so nice to me when this latest narc always was “chasing” me to get me back in his life and that he was the one putting the effort to get me and wanted me as his girlfriend, mother to his first child and wanted to marry me from the very start. He was not like the others so he must be the right one I thought.
After this experience I feel like beeing alone is the only option for me. I am happy to be alone now. I left my abusive ex and have had NO contact for 10 days now. I deleted all my social media and changed number. I know I will not contact him cuz I am affraid of him. He have caused me panic attacks that I have never experienced before. It came to a point I thought I have to die. That death most be the only way out. The pain of living was to hard and my body got sick and depressed. I have now tics or spasm on my neck after beeing tens everyday with my abusive, controlling and jelous ex boyfriend.
I wonder if I should take the risk to let our child have his dad in his life after hi is born. I feel bad to not let my babys dad be with his child and what if my baby will suffer in life of not having a father figure. I am also affraid of not beeing a good mother because I dont feel I have the energy to do anything in a good way right now. How can I take care of a baby soon when I feel so sad and down. I am terrified for the future. I am terrified to be forced to meet him again and to hear about his new life. I love that these kind of blogs exists so a broken person like me maybe someday can be healed. I have to for my children. Thank you💗
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You must get help and not have any contact with this abusive monster. He will certainly hurt and abuse your child and does not deserve to be in his life. You must protect your child and NEVER let him see him or be near him. Anyone that could do such cruel things to you is dangerous and should be reported to the police. I know you feel you have no one, but there is a community of caring people to help you. You must go to a women’s shelter and get support. His behavior is cruel and it is torture and severe domestic violence. I am very sad that you have endured this and I am sure it has turned your world upside down and made you question what is up, down, right and wrong. This is pure evil. Get away from it and stay away from it. This person is a cruel psychopath, this goes beyond narcissism, this is antisocial criminal behavior and he should be put behind bars. Please press charges once you are in a safe place, like a woman’s shelter. Do not let him know where you are and DO NOT let your baby be around this person who tried to kill you and could kill your child. File a police report for attempted murder once you get to the shelter. It sounds like you have had a rough life and do not have any support, I will pray for you that you get the support by calling the police and getting the names of some woman’s shelters as soon as possible to protect you and your unborn child. Once you are safe, proceed to file attempted murder charges, and do not ever go near this man. A restraining order needs to be filed and if there are any witnesses to the abuse, get them to come forward when you file the report. You may need an advocate to help you. You have a community here. No one should get away with treating another human being like this. Take action immediately to protect yourself and your baby. Good luck. May God be with you and protect you.
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Ana-
I have been reading this for months now. I have been married to my Narcissist for 18 years and have finally gotten the courage to step out.
We have 4 children. I can’t go no contact.
I want to say your page and all the things I’ve read are so helpful and so validating.
I truly thought I was going crazy.
I wanted off the rollercoaster that was our life or I would die. I started praying for cancer or some sort of accident that would quickly take me out of the game I couldn’t play anymore.
Eggshells. Check
Dark cloud when he arrived home. Check
2 Affairs that I know of: Check
Failed business and lied about it: Check
Above the law: Check
Disapproval: Check
I thought if I were a better wife, a better lover, a better cook, a better mom, a more submissive attitude, a more compliant self, things would be better. In essence, I fed his supply by doing all of these things. 18 years!
Today I find myself grieving for what was. I find myself saying “if only he could see”, the maybe we could figure things out. But he will never see and that is what is so hard. I grieve this so much. I didn’t want this divorce, but I knew I couldn’t go on like we were. I had reached a point of desperation.
Wow. Thanks for listening if you read all of these. Thank you for posting what took me so long to see. I’m grateful. I know it’s a long journey ahead, but I will survive, one day at a time.
Xoxo Michelle
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Yes, you will Michelle. Clarity is the FIRST STEP. Seeing that this isn’t YOU. It’s so hard when you’re close to them, because there’s so much blame and projection. You really do believe the problem is you, which of course makes you feel “crazy” or like you’re losing it, because deep in your heart, you know it’s not. I pray to God for your speedy healing as well as that of your children! You all deserve the peace and freedom away from such a toxic person. XOXO
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I recently left a 7 year covert narcissistic abusive relationship. Four of those years were long distance. When I arrived in DC, where he lived, he immediately became a different person. I frantically searched for ways to fix things, change myself, address all his complaints about me. In 2.5 years I worked with 5 therapists, none of whom identified the situation. Two told me the relationship was unhealthy and suggested I leave. But no one identified why I could not leave, which I now know was due to “trauma bonding”. Not one of these 5 seemed to pick up on my stories of verbal abuse, yelling, and all the emotional and mental symptoms of abuse I was experiencing. I finally figured out what was happening on my own by searching the internet for my symptoms — I finally put it together. How many other women or men are not being helped properly? Why is narcissistic abuse not better understood among mental health professionals?
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Agree, many mental health professionals have no idea about narcissistic abuse. I like you, learned about it searching on the internet, 9 months after being discarded. I had gone to a counselor to help me deal with anxiety I was having about the relationship and wasted a year of time and money and got nothing from her, what a complete waste. Some of these therapists are just plain terrible.
My relationship with a covert narcissist was almost 4 years. He completely love bombed me, then the slow subtle devalue, which was insidious, thus my anxiety, it was very subtle in ways I did not realize while it was happening. Not inviting me to some things, more time on his social media addiction, triangulation, spending time with other ‘women friends’ and posting his great times on FB and not posting us on FB. So many red flags that finally made me so upset I went out and drank myself sick one night, the next day he discarded me. I was deleted from his picture perfect life. I had no closure, I begged for closure and a reason and he did not want to be bothered, he had moved on before he discarded me, it is obvious now. The closure email he finally sent me, was BS and condescending. I now realize I was dealing with a textbook covert narcissist. We need to make people aware of this condition. I had no clue. If I had known about this, I would not have ever gotten involved with this romantic, poetic, loving, generous, and lovely narcissist that turned into a cold and uncaring stranger. From warm and loving to cold and uncaring, like a light switch. Extremely disturbing. We need to educate men and women about these evil sociopaths. Their life is a perfect picture, literally, he is a social media addict and posts pictures of his life constantly. It makes me want to vomit.
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Hi, I was married at 18 years old, and stayed in the in the marriage for 22 years. My divorce was just finalized. About 6 months ago, I discovered that my husband of 22 years is a narcissist. It was a HUGE weight off my shoulders to finally have questions about him and myself answered! Yet, it is hard that this realization didn’t come sooner. I guess better late than never! I was abused physically, emotionally, verbally, psychologically, and sexually.
We have 9 children together, and I see how it has affected each one of them differently having a father who is a narcissist. Some of my children are adults now, and it has truly shaped their lives, the abuse they also received. My ex-husband is in law enforcement, and for the first time ever, I reported an episode of his physical abuse to the local authorities. He is currently suspended from his job, and if he is found guilty in the court trial, he will loose his job. I have a lot of people who have turned against me over this. All of his family, of course. My children are having a hard time, because this is their father, and his behavior over the years is in a lot of ways, “normal” to them. I am trying to move forward in my new life without him. I feel like I have truly discovered the man I was married to since I left him. It has been 1 year and 6 months since I left him. It took me leaving to truly realize how dysfunctional my marriage and family life was. Since I left, I have a lot of flashbacks. Events that took place of his horrible treatment towards me will come back. All the feelings and emotions are resurfaced of how I felt at the time. It feels as if I am experiencing that moment of the past in the present. I have discovered that I have PTSD. I don’t know how to dope with this, and how to overcome this. Any advice, I would gladly accept! ejgaytan@gmail.com
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Reading these post have helped me tremendously. I encountered my Narc over 35 years ago in college. At that time I didn’t realize he was a Narc. The Love Bombing meet so many of my deepest emotional needs left from a dysfunctional mom and dad. When the relationship ended while in college, I summed it up to immaturity (plus his side relationships). We never really connected afterwards. There were times that he would fly back into my life after his failed relationships, but I never gave in. It wasnt’ unitl my failed marriage that the thought of him resurfaced. As Satan would bid with God’s permission, the Narc was reintroduced into my life as I was divorcing. He was now on marriage #2 yet still claimed I was the Love of his life. He promised he would be there for me and my three kids and gave a wonderful pciture of our lives together. Our relationship was purely online until we meet at our college reunnion. The sex was cold, caluculated and I cried. Yet I still believed in him. Almost a year later from our reconnection, he called and told me he could not follow thru and leave his wife and start anew with me. He said he had too much invested financially and didnt want to start all over again. (Lie) I ceasesed all communication with yet he would periodcillay text or email. Eleven years later he is now divorced and has a new girlfirend that he paraded at our college homecoming last year.
I have never felt so betrayed and humilatliated
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I love your analysis of your experience and the fact that you were brave enough to write these posts to share and help in the recovery of other survivors. I too would like to share my story to heal and let others know they are not alone. Make changes before it’s too late. I also want to share because I think the longer we all suffer in SILENCE, the more these types get away with their continued destruction and complete devastation of lives.i am writing an ebook on my experience.
HOWEVER, I was reading about the numerous ways one can be sued over such a cathartic project. Even if I write in a pseudo name, change names and locations, these legal bloggers still say I can be sued for libel. Even if I say it is fiction based on fact and include the disclaimer… The narc will find out and sue, the minions may sue… So how does this encourage victims, or targets rather to speak out? To break the silence? You are brave to speak out with your blogs. Any advice please? I’m about half finished, going with Lulu self publishing….
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Libel is only if things are not true. You can freely express your opinion about your experience under your first amendment rights. The narcissist can’t take those from us without incurring a lawsuit of their own.
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After 36 years of marriage, stage IV metastatic breast cancer. After informing my husband I was being placed on hospice for 2nd time. Dr’s prognosis is 3 months. I’m in Assisted Living. My spouse showed absolutely no emotion, sympathy, or compassion towards me. He continued eating hot sauce & chips. My husband couldn’t move me out quick enough.
A few weeks prior, he went from narcissism behavior to physical abuse for the first time ever. I am so weak, have severe bone pain. I saw this as an opportunity to get away from him. I’m a peace, away from his constant punishment, witholding, criticizing, dismissing my words. Not enough room here for what I’ve endured throughout the years.
I’m grateful to Ana for informing woman about this disorder. My Master’s Degree did not serve me well. For years I tried to connect the puzzle pieces together. Many years spent keeping all the plates in the ar.
A question. For those of you with adult children, have you experienced one child as having been totally manipulated & groomed child as his ally. This child is defending their father. They equated my outcries begging to stop abuse with accusing me of being mentally unstable.My husband had to keep me from exposing him. So, he threatened to place me in a mental institution.
I shouldn’t be surprised, my child helped father have garage sale to sale my furniture, my clothes, heirlooms, etc. while on hospice the first time.
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This makes me so sad.
I know your journey must be almost finished now. Prayers for you and for resolution with your daughter who sided with your husband.
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My narcisstic ex has moved on to his next target. Of course he has he is a narcissist. I read all these articles on how he will do the same to her as he did to me. But a part of me still has the doubt that did I make it up? Is he really a narcisstic? Was i to blame? It’s been a year and although the healing process has come along away- but seeing loved up photos of them I feel slapped in the face and angry. Logically, I know he will do to her as he did to me. But what about someone looking after her and protecting her from him. How do his family not intervene?? How do they not know? I feel so angry that I’m still allowing this man to upset and affect me. When does it get easier? And what more work do I need to do on myself to finally be rid of him!
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I soooo get what you’re saying it is normal to wonder will they like the other person more, are they ahppier with them than me and also to want to warn that target. However… this phase of recovery can be passed through long before a year is up — IF, If people have an accurate way to recover. This whole mess is the hardest thing we’ll likely do in our whole lives. — We are normal and think the sociopath is normal too. (Some people call them narcissists the actions you’re describing are that of a sociopath technically) — We do what normal people do in what we think is a normal relationship, It takes time to recognize that all our problems are not “normal” – nothing like and that the person we’re with is the problem. They are sociopaths with abnormal brains – they know they’re different and know they have to hide this. They can’t biologically feel love, like, or care for any living being. They pretend they do. – They need normal people for survival. The point being a key to recovery is reframing the nighmare – looking at every moment that passes through our mind form teh point of view of a sociopaths mind – not our human, emotional, caring thinking. They did this stuff! Not us. We can’t unwind it with the way we think and feel. Then we also tend to our own grief and loss… not of them, but of the crime of this invasion through our heart.
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I can’t thank you enough. I’m a month away from the 1 year Anniversary of my Divorce. I don’t have the words to explain how much youve helped me.
Be blessed.
Belynda S.
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Would like some opinions here. So, would you say this feeling that he actually loved the past GF more than me, whom he would always bring up, was a ruse? I have left the relationship, I employ NO CONTACT, but am sometimes plagued by that thought; however, that same GF before me was also triangulated against the GF before her by same Narcissist. Is this something they know that they are doing? Seems so. They sure make it seem that they are still alive for the prior person, seems so real. I know he chastised my prior person saying “a week didn’t go by that she didn’t bring up the ex-GF” and he’d do similar to me to get that reaction. He’s gone; I’m gone; the intrusive replay remains.
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I didn’t know that there was such a thing as narcissist abuse. Now I don’t feel like “it’s all in my head.” It’s so oppressing, especially when it comes from your adult children sometimes. Their father is the same way. It feels like a prison when I’m supportive of them but when I try to assert my gifting or want to be respected and express it, I’m accused of being negative or get verbally attacked. I hate having to walk on glass and it really is affecting my nerves. Anyway, I’m glad you’re here sharing your knowledge to help us. 🙂
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My problem is with my mother. I´m very confused about her behavior. Actually I´m devastated. I have no personally life and I don´t know how things got to this point…She is very demanding and jealousy.
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Thank you for your work. I’ve gone public recently in exposing a very prominent one…It was a painful experience but I am definately stronger on the other side!! Do you have contact information? I’d like your perspective if you have time….peacefulsurvivor17@gmail.com
https://sites.google.com/view/lundybancroftwarnings/home
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I’m in tears right now cuz this is absolutely my my life!!!!
My name is Lori but when he wants to be intimate ( 24/7) he calls me Ana!!
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Great article and great post on narcissism. I would be interested in methods for working with Narcissists, how to protect yourself / others, etc
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You are a beautiful woman and it’s hard to believe you were in this type of relationship. I, too, have been the victim not only of narcissistic abuse, but also verbal and physical abuse. It is difficult for others to appreciate the hold which abusers have over their victims; often leaving them isolated form friends and/or family, without money, and generally dependent on their abuser, (especially when there are young children involved). Domestic abuse of all types is much more common than most people seem to or would like to believe!
However, i question your qualifications to be counseling people about DSM Disorders…do you hold a license, LICSW or PhD, or any other credentials to be dispensing this type of psychological advice other than your own unfortunate but nevertheless purely anecdotal experience?
Good for you, that you have “absolutely nothing wrong psychologically.” I find this a little suspect, since all of us are broken in some way. I feel i can say this because i hold both undergraduate and graduate degrees in Psychology, as well as being an RN.
I like that you are trying to do a service to others and thank you….but you could be doing more harm than good by dispensing advice that is not reliable or valid or based on empirical research.
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Umm, hi. I am a 48 year old guy who has been married for 25 years. I feel guilty for sharing this, but I feel like my wife is a narc. I have not been a perfect person at all…In fact I think I am the poster boy for a co-dependent, but it has been a very difficult marriage. for too long, I thought it was me. now, to be fair it aint all her….however I am thinking that she helped propel the pain that both of us feel. we have kids that understand how mean mom can be. we are still married and under the same roof but has made it clear that we are not a couple in any way whatsoever. its very hard and also makes me feel incredibly lonely
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After reading some of the articles on your site, I am a little confused. What you describe as a narcissist, I would consider a sociopath. I understand that all sociopaths are narcissists, but how are they different?
BTW: Great photo
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This is as though I had written it myself.. 😔 thank you, I wish I had found it months ago, would have saved me so much reading, documenting, pleading, begging for help… 😔 NA has brought me to my knees.. No idea how to start rebuilding my life. X
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Sarah,
Im just thankful you found us at all! Oh boy do I relate to your feelings. Please know, there are SO MANY OF US, ALL OF US, felt broken. I can tell you this, at least you have within you the ABILITY to rebuild yourself, your identity and your boundaries – and I also promise you this: YOU WILL REBUILD TO BE A STRONGER VERSION of yourself!
Here are a few suggestions – based on what worked for me:
No CONTACT is everything! It is difficult – but it will get your head clear.
Knowledge about this disorder will help you discern whose responsibility is whose. The disorder and all the dysfunctional relationship and lack of care belongs to the narcissist. You may need to work on your love for yourself, your vulnerability to someone selling you a “pipe dream” and your boundaries. Most targets do.
To help overcome the obsessive thoughts, everytime you start to think of the narcissist, just say STOP! in your head – then redirect your energy and focus to yourself. Use this as a reminder to ask yourself “What do you need?” Hug yourself. Tell yourself you love yourself. Give yourself what you hollowly gave to them.
Seek support!
Our page is one of many that offer a community of like minded survivors who either are, or have been EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE. Draw from those people. Most targets are EXTREMELY LOVING AND EMPATHETIC!
Rely on your spiritual beliefs!! If you believe in God, cling closer to him. This kind of love a narcissist offers, is NOT love at all. It’s the antithesis of love.
And Finally, be gentle and patient with yourself. Provide yourself exceptional self care.
You WILL recover!!! 🙂 🙂
xo
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I found a good therapist with experience of treating NA … also I talk to one or two close friends..i ask them not to give me advice but to just listen… I read … psychopath free…mans search for meaning… borderline mother… YouTube Meredith Miller… Lisa Romano… sparatanlifecoach …. Sam vackni … hope this help..daily dose of ANA is good too …. Bless You…. my kindest wishes go out to you…. (I’m not into the fairy dust stuff.. but have cried…prayed… slept… ran 5ks every week..swam… walked..cycled …even while hating doing it …. slowly very slowly I think I’m getting moving forward… really good book too..cure for heartache…plesse respond and I can give you more tips.. good luck
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Wow! Thank you from the depths of my heart for sharing your experience. I am and have been walking in your very same shoes. The guilt, the pain, the alienation from my son has nearly put me over the edge and I have had no idea what I had done wrong! I understand now what I’m dealing with. But now how do I cope?
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I am going through the devalue and discard stage again, and what they say that each one is more damaging than the last is so very true. We are friends, were co-workers, never dated or intimate. It felt like a relationship, but I would never engage that type of relationship with him. The friendship is hard enough, and I seen what he done to someone who he said he actually cared for…yet somehow, I still ended up his “victim”. 5 yrs now, and the brunt of it the past 3 yrs. My anxiety is through the roof again today, I knew it was coming and thought I was prepared for it after what I had been through and learned this past year. I started my own blog on wordpress as well. Not very thought out writing, but it helped me those few times I needed to write, and it looks like I will be doing that today. Can’t talk to friends because they think you are crazy, as he is “such a nice guy” and everything I am saying is all made up. No family to really talk too, they have no clue about this kind of stuff and would just look at me like I’m a brick wall. So, I have been dealing with this all on my own. I went to a few sessions of counseling and calling my insurance company to try and find one that deals with narcissistic abuse, or at least knows about it. I will say though, I am doing much better now than I was last year. I do not react to anything anymore, I do it silently. Never to him or in his presence. It isn’t any easier, and I was doing good until this devalue and discard stage is in full force right now. I have been trying to keep myself busy since the semester is over. And I think one of the reasons for this right how is because I don’t have to drive past his house to get to school, so he feels he doesn’t need to be “nice” to me…plus his gambling has been more active, at least from what I know, and I believe he hasn’t stopped at all like I thought he did. So when he gets heavy into gambling, I all of a sudden become the “bad guy” who is judgmental and he has “better” friends to talk to and hang with again. I really need to go NC and stick with it and not get reeled back in again. I thought I was doing good, and yet here I am suffering at his hands all over again.
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If you ever need someone to talk to please give me a call 914 522 8576. I know what you are going through and this seems like a silent battle with no support the only people that really understand are those who have been through it.
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It’s very true that these breakups are special and often more difficult than others. And even in the mental health community there is a lack of understanding about them. But you aren’t alone. I work with clients very often who have been in these kinds of relationships and I deeply understand the issues involved with relationships involving Cluster B personality disorders like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, or Antisocial Personality Disorder.
Anyone who feels they could use extra support can always get in touch through the site I’ve linked to this comment. Just send a message through the contact form. I will even do a free hour on the phone with you to see if I can help. And, if for some reason in your case I can’t, I’ll try to help you find the people or resources that can.
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THIS POST is a very good reminder that NA occurs outside of romantic relationships, also. I think we sometimes forget this, and that’s why it’s often harder to realize that is what is happening with co-workers or family members or just plain frenemies.
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Hi Ana, It has been nearly a year since I separated from my differentiating covert/overt friend whom I had spent quite a few years with, but now anytime he comes into my head either through reference or recollection, I start having panic attacks, start breathing funny, become seriously fatigued, and muscles cramp up, I feel like the definition of being winded through or as if something really awful has just happened, I find it hard to think and I basically shut down and just want to cry or die, I don’t have any available help in my country Australia, that understands the things about Narcissism you do and many others in america seem to, I was wondering if you can recommend any online therapy or resources books,dvds,online videos,downloadable videos,web course,online helpline, or someone who could offer affordable skype therapy? I really can’t stand this emotional, mental and physical pain caused by anxiety,confusion and helplessness anymore.
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Hi. I left my marriage almost a year ago and was married to an extremely narcissistic individual. Even though I am very aware of it all now and understand it so much better, when I recently started seeing someone (who in fact appears very empathic and caring) I had a very strong reaction and am continuing to struggle with it. I keep thinking I cant do this, even though this individual is what I would want in a healthy relationship, and instead I would keep thinking back to the good memories with my ex-husband. I even start just wondering whether its best for me just to be single rather than in any relationship at all. I dont understand why this is happening and was wondering whether you could please explain it to me so I dont end up losing something that might end up being a ‘good’ relationship.
Thanks!
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I am the mother of a 34 year old narcissist. He has not actually been prof diagnosed, but through all of my reading, he actually ticks all the boxes. Left school early, no friends, can’t hold down a job, demanding, controlling, egocentric, gas-lighting, charming, a liar, ……. It’s really, really hard to end your relationship with your son. Ending it with his father was a doddle compared with this. It is heart-breaking and the fact that there is no word to describe what I am doing (separating from him … divorcing him..) makes it even harder. I am doing this for my daughters because they have had enough and have brought me around to realising that he has been manipulative their entire lives, and they are scared of him. They have refused to come to anything he comes to, and told me they are scared for me. I realised that they are right after a barrage of emails which tried to tell me how evil THEY were. Then when I disagreed they received a barrage telling them how evil I was. Something inside me just clicked and I realised that we needed to get him out of our lives. I fear for his lovely partner whom he has convinced to leave her job, and has forced her to ‘stand up’ to her own mother and sisters. He has forced her to break up with many of her friends. He is always sick or injured and she is basically his housemaid. He can’t stand her making any noise at night so she has to sleep in another room. I read so much that it is the mother’s fault if the child is a Narc, which makes it even harder to admit or seek help. If it’s my fault he is the way he is, then how can I cut him off, and not help him? My husband (his step-dad) is great, and my son will only talk to him now, but we are going to let him know that we don’t want to have any contact with him unless it is in a psychiatrist’s clinic. This must be the hardest thing a mother ever has to do, but I’m doing it for my girls. I wish there was more about parenting a narcissist adult child – but as I said, what there is out there is mostly blaming the mother. Thanks for your site. Although it is about partner abuse, it still helped.
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Thank you for all your shares. Please pass your experience on to other people so they can learn to recognize the narc in their life. It’s like living in ‘upside-down’ world. Nothing makes sense. I’m mature, smart and accomplished. I thought I was past all of this. But a narc will watch and learn, and find your weakness. In a healthy relationship, your partner wants to learn how to connect with you in order to strengthen the relationship. The narc only wants to feed off you. It’s hard to believe when you’re in it, but at the age of 65 I am recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship. I can barely say the words.
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I am involved in a custody dispute with my sons father whose narcissism is OFF THE CHARTS. There is no limit to his lying. Telling absurd and ridiculous lies to cover initial absurd and ridiculous lies. He NEVER admits to being caught in a lie, despite smoking gun evidence. He’s just like Donald Trump. My question: Do you think narcissists really believe they are telling the truth? Or do you think somewhere inside their messed up heads, they know they are lying?
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Hi Ana, Why can’t I comment?
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Oh never mind, I think there was a glitch where it said I couldn’t post any comments. I was like..omg I hope I wasn’t barred. Anyway, you can ignore the last post. I did want to personally thank you for this website. Women need a place where they can talk about these horrendous beings. I wish there was a place where you can post their pictures as well.
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How do i unlove my narcissistic daughter? It is breaking my heart and soul.
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no one can understand unless they have lived it. people think you can just “move on” I feel like i am infected with a deadly virus. Feeling hopeless, helpless and suicidal. Just knowing someone else understands helps a bit
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August of 2016 I left our family house. I was running away from my 20 year marriage and to someone else who treated me well. I left our 17 year old son at home with his dad thinking that I was the problem and when I left the household would be happy. My son was getting ready to enter his senior year and has gone to the school with the same kids since he was in preschool… I could not move him to a different town (our town has only 3,000 people in it) but I knew I had to get a job and start a new life. I moved into a small apartment with the man who made/makes me feel good about myself because I had no money, my credit is poor and I had been a stay at home mom for most of the marriage except for a few jobs here and there (until my husband decided I should quit or I got bored going to work and not being at home with him to go where we wanted/when we wanted). My husband works 24 hour shifts at a fire department as a paramedic and he’s also in the army/special operations. He does psychological operations and is a staff Sargent. He did two tours to Iraq and was gone for 2.5 years total not including monthly drills, schools etc.
I am now lost emotionally. My kids barely speak to me (our oldest is 22 and hasn’t talked to me since last July except to send a text saying thank you for the Christmas gifts I had bought her and her dad delivered to her). My middle is very innocent and loving. She speaks to me on a regular basis but I can tell she feels in the middle. She is 19, had moved in with her older sister but after I moved out and my husband got a girlfriend (II fear he’s had her for a while) he wanted to stay at her house with her kids so my ex had my 19 year old move back to the house so she could take care of her 17 year old brother. My 19 year old now works at a nursing home the night shift as a cna across the street because she has no drivers license. My 17 year old son speaks to me but he was mad at me for a very long time. He was told I left him and his father for another man… Which wasn’t true. After the judge ordered on November 3rd I get to see my son once a week during supervised visitations with a therapist (my husband said I had abandoned our son and done serious emotional damage), my husband fought me and didn’t let me start seeing him until January. Visits have been inconsistent and everything must go through my husband, even though he says they don’t and he supports me seeing my son. Afterthe second visit with the therapist, the therapist said I was a great mom and the more time my son spends with me the better.
The man I ended up with… I was only with because my husband wanted me to start shaving sex with other men. For a long time I said no and was against it but eventually I did a lot of things I’m not proud of. I wanted to make my husband happy. I eve suggested things and begged him to do or let me do certain things because I thought he would love me more. I’m humiliated at what I have done and that it was me who suggested a lot of things. The guy I ended up with…. Is a fellow firefighter who was married for 25 years. He’s going through a divorce now but both he and his wife are getting happily divorced. This just means my husband can tell people I broke up someone else’s marriage and ran off leaving my kids.
I know this is long and redundant… But it feels good to tell people who may understand. For so many years I’ve felt crazy. My husbands obsession with porn our entire marriage, though I always felt like he cheated on me and I was very paranoid for almost our entire marriage and looking through his phone when I could, his computer and iPad, work pants… I don’t think he had cheated on me, I think he liked making me paranoid and playing with my emotions. I eventually did almost go crazy… My doctor was prescribing me tons of medications, I wasn’t taking it like I should no even my husband went and got two prescriptions like I had and started giving me his so I wouldn’t run out. He would tell me to take two and three ambien a night so I wouldn’t remember what he’d do to me but I was pernicious and not care what he had planned.
In May of 2016, I took two ambien and woke up the next morning in the emergency room. I had taken two ambien and I had sent a text to my mom saying I wanted to die, then I took quite a bit of my other meds. When the ambulance arrive and police, I kept screaming ‘help me, my his and sexually abuses me and mentally abuses me’. I had hidden some journals of my husbands writings and I told the police where they were… But because it’s a small town the police just said ‘okay’ and let my us and get the journals which he destroyed the next morning. I ended up checking myself into a mental hospital and they diagnosed me as having ‘secondary ptsd’ due to his ‘severe ptsd’ from Iraq. All of this only made me look crazier.
Like I apologized earlier… I’m terriblly sorry for rambling. This is thei first article I’ve read that describes how I felt and still feel. I feel so lost and broken. I am afraid at times that it was me who was the narcissist or like my husband has eluded too… That I’m bipolar. I used to be so strong emotionally. I took care of three kids and raised them while he went off and did his own thing, spent money we didn’t really have and got the fame and glory for being a firefighter and serving our country. But now I am just broken and going through a divorce with him (and his girlfriend telling him how amazing he is and that I deserve nothing because she wants my house and property) and he’s made my life hell. He says I deserve nothing… No alimony, not the house and he even boxed up my things and wants to give them to me but I’m almost positive his girlfriend has gone through my things and pulled out what she wanted. The paperwork he has submitted to attorneys and the court isn’t correct and he has lied about pretty much anything financial. You think marriage to a narcissist leaves you questioning your own reality…. Try going through a divorce with no money. It’s pure hell.
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Hi Ana,
I came accross your site and have found it really helpful.
I was in a friendship group with 2 other women …the narc and I were friends first and then the 3rd person entered and suddenly I wasnt as easy to manipulate so suddenly started to treat me appalingly even when I went into a pysciatric hopsital they were still treating me awfully and adding to my illness.
I was wondering can the discard phase happen while the friendship still exists?
The 3rd friend has become her flying monkey …speaking out about all the horrible things Ive done to the narc.Yesterday after 8 months of no contact the flying monkey contacted my friend to ask what Ive been saying about them …fear of exposure? …is this an attempt to hoover ?
Any insight you could provide would be amazing.
Thank you
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In Response to 151 Lies:
This is similar to what kinds of things I am told pretty much daily in the Narcissist’s insistence on being “honest.” well, maybe. Maybe what they say it true, but maybe it is not, or not for long. I’ve seen them switch what they say to the complete opposite, not in the same day, but in minutes! So maybe, as you title you comment, it’s all a lie, all of it.
To try and figure a logic in the “content” of what they say is to become lost; to think in terms of “process” is the better way to go–and that process of their talk has a single intention: to destroy.
For what reasons, I cannot fathom, but in reality it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them, their own wiring.
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After 9 years of being with him, i finally started googling his characteristics and traits. Came up with this. I so wish I had known this a long time ago. I could have saved me. Now it’s time for recovery. I am so glad to have found this site.
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Nearly two years into our relationship – The day before my wedding – I asked my soon to be husband what he thought of my sisters now that he had met them in person.
I will never forget his reply.
He proceeded to tell me how he had noticed the similarities and he was trying not to let it affect his attraction to me. Somehow, after meeting my beautiful sisters he had found me less attractive.
I remember feeling sick to my stomach after he spoke of the things he did not like in them and how it had changed his view of me. He ended with a statement wishing his memory of those things would fade and he would not think of them when he looked at me eventually.
I married him the next day, not feeling quite as beautiful as I had the day before.
The ways a narcissist wears and tears you down reaches to the deepest parts of you, while you willingly go along with the ride- like slow anesthesia they drip their numbing poison into you until you either die, or experience the fight of your life breaking free from the mental fog and drug they’ve been injecting into your heart, soul, and mind.
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OMG, how horrible!
I hope you also divorced him.
What an a**! Unbelievable.
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I did.
It was brutal- I lost everything- my home, furniture, job- and spent the better part of a year in a nasty court battle and ended up settling for less than my legal fees. He is of course, already dating again. Telling everyone I am the abuser and crazy.
I am finally getting back on my feet. Just bought a house a few months ago- and slowly filling it back up with furniture and things we need. The most amazing part? Our life is so – peaceful- now.
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