DISENGAGE, disengage, disengage – and take their power AWAY!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
So important to understand THIS – so that we do NOT allow them to use this TOOL OF CONTROL! Narcissists intentionally create chaos to debase people – everything with them is a VERBAL COMPETITION with the intent to control, divert, diminish, devalue, and destroy.
Communication with a Narcissist is just dangerous. A Narcissist will crush any attempts from the target/victim to make sense of their agenda and keep the target CONSTANTLY confused and walking on those eggshells or off balance or basically always being in control. Once they win us over with their charm and HAVING so much in common with us THEN we will start to see the many roads they take to manipulate us, extort us, lie, dehumanize us, deflect to avoid accountability, and everything else to support their big lie. That is the natural course with a Narcissist or what we call the devaluation stage. EVERYONE will be devalued by the Narcissist and discarded. So, I am going to jump to some of the ways that they do this when the honeymoon phase is over.
Most every conversation you have with them seems to leave you confused, stressed, in conflict, and drained. You will be left with the burden of trying to figure out what they have said or basically what the heck just happened. It is like a hit and run accident and you are just left in shock trying to gain a foothold of the incident. A basic conversation can go from zero to a hundred miles per hour and in a direction that puts you in the path of an unavoidable crash, AND you were not able to control the direction you were headed in. You ask yourself how did this all start and what led up to it? You will end up spending hours, or perhaps even days, obsessing over the intent of the message or argument. You exhaust all your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing – it was pre-planned to be this way by the Narcissist. There does not seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but there is as far as it concerns the Narcissist that is controlling you.
Everything they have absorbed or learned about you is now being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They already know how to charm you because they know your likes BUT they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no you in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!
So, what about these ridiculous and crazy arguments, etc. You could have NEVER kept up with the original conversation (or argument) in a realistic manner because it was basically nonsensical in your mind and had no real basis of reality. But it served a purpose as far as the Narcissist is concerned to deflect from something or the other, or there was an agenda to it, or to demean and dehumanize you – control, control, CONTROL. BUT it served its purpose because it confounded or confused you and forced you to process the CRAZY information with no real success. You will have many rebuttals going on in your head AFTER THE FACT because you feel a need to defend yourself or rationalize what happened. Basically, you are trying to fix the situation, but was it an argument because you really did not do anything but you feel like you did something, BUT WHAT IS IT YOU DID??
BAM, this is exactly the place a Narcissist wants you to go to – total confusion and insanity. They have drawn from the vast wealth of knowledge they have gained from observing you and use it consistently to maneuver you into a place of confusion and isolation. There are many reasons behind each of these scenarios, but they are basically to manage you down and to control you. However, you will try to resolve this because you feel you need to address what happened and more than likely to defend yourself hoping for resolution but in the end, you will find that you are the person always apologizing AND always trying to fix things. After a while, these crazy arguments will have you stuck in the confusion so much so that you have lost all perspective of your relationship, as well as your value in the relationship. You are always responding to the Narcissist’s crazy making and never participating in a reciprocal or real relationship. You are being emotionally and psychologically abused! No/minimal contact is the ONLY way to start on the road to recovery by stopping all the chaos to regain clarity and normality in your life! Greg