We can’t engage with a Narcissist’s chaos and conflict because they are aimed directly at diminishing us and managing us down to SUPPORT their agenda!
What do you do when a Narcissist is on one of their verbal attacks or rampages? The ANSWER – disengage, disengage, disengage because they WANT you to react! We can’t engage with their chaos and conflict because they are aimed directly at diminishing us and managing us down to SUPPORT their agenda! Narcissists are masters of spin and diversionary tactics to drive their “conflicted reality” home through brute verbal force, emotional dismissiveness, psychological games, and delusional reasoning. If you’re involved with a Narcissist, you know these communication strategies firsthand.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
When you present facts that contradict their beliefs, they bamboozle you by using off-topic tangents, changing the subject or creating a new accusation AGAINST YOU or creating CONFLICT! It is NEVER about FACTS – but instead distorting FACTS to support their agenda. While you’re still defending your original point and its validity, the Narcissist blows you off (because you’re making sense/telling the truth) and distracts you by jumping to another topic that’s completely out in left field. and then they somehow condemn YOU with some off tangent nonsense. They are always judge, jury, and executioner.
Narcissists have absolutely no capacity for context or truth. Either you see things their way or you must be crushed into the ground – and believe me they think nothing of how they will crush a person into the ground. You can’t respectfully agree to disagree with them. Any criticism or difference of opinion is a challenge to their “authority, power, and control” and is seen as a threat and will be treated as such and you will be devalued, demeaned, debased, dehumanized, and destroyed – it is just that serious to them. BUT serious to them is not in any normal context – it is complete denial and avoidance all bundled up in all of these tactics to be in control and exert power over us. Remember we are only an object to serve them so we must revere them as well OR ELSE!
The Narcissist employs loud and deliberate RAGING as another tactic when all else fails. The more wrong an emotionally and abusive Narcissist is the louder and/or more resolute they get with their attack. Their level of fake outrage, vindictiveness or emotional withdrawal is in direct proportion to how accurate you are. They will either talk over you, or shout at you, repeating the same simplistic, emotionally charged statements over and over until they drown out all reason, you pass out from the exhaustion of it all, or they give you the silent treatment until you submit and apologize for your “offense.” BUT THEY COMMITTED THE OFFENSE, and they are very adept at diverting from the truth with their pathological bullying so we better retreat and learn our lessons. My Narcissist employed this tactic every time they would find some anonymous sexual partner that I would find out about. First the incredulous story that I would shake my head at in total disbelief, then the extreme rage attack because I just didn’t believe this Narcissist, and then my morals were attacked if I was the guilty party.
LASTLY, let’s remember that Narcissists are also very adept at shifting blame to all others for everything that is wrong and never consider how they contribute to and cause the issues as well as their own unhappiness. They just shift responsibility to make you seem bad and crazy in an effort to shame you into submission. They will punish you for their own offenses as well – that is what we are “employed for” by the Narcissist because THEY need to project onto us. We are here to serve them, save them, take care of their every need, change their diapers, accept all of their faults as if they are our own, allow them to betray us and accept it as well as be blamed for it, we must allow them to extort everything they can from us, and we are not allowed to view any of this as anything but a privilege to be in their company – AND they never give anything in return. If we follow all of these rules, we are allowed to be their friend, their beloved family, or love them but we must also pay the price for this wonderful relationship by being stripped of our individuality, integrity, self-esteem and driven to insanity from their delusional abuse.
At heart, a Narcissist is a terroristic bully who will try to steamroll anyone who disagrees with them or when they DON’T get their way. It’s not just about controlling THEIR reality, but controlling everyone else’s reality, too. When you allow a Narcissist to determine reality, it would be like letting one of the inmates control/run the asylum. There is only ONE way with a Narcissist and that is discarding them from our life with no/minimal contact. Greg