What being in a relationship or having a connection with an abusive Narcissist yields.
What being in a relationship or having a connection with an abusive Narcissist yields. You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an old illusion you hang onto those same things COULD be right again because he/she (the Narcissist) pulls you back every time they push you away. You try to make sense out of all of this but instead you CONSTANTLY feel lost, confused and walking on those eggshells.
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
Within the cycle of abuse with a Narcissist AND having to deal with all of the chaos, accusations, the constant blame, shame and punishment the target/victim only TRIES to make sense of the Narcissist’s hurtful behaviors in an attempt to fix things by overcompensating. By constantly engaging with the Narcissist, it becomes too tangible or the victim’s new reality in a distorted and disabling manner. The Narcissist completely steers the direction by always reinforcing their technique with equal parts of love/charm and pain/harm creating a desperation that keeps the victim caught up in this overcompensating to get back to that cohesive and loving part of the relationship they once knew! Add to this the frequent belittlement in the manner a Narcissist will dismiss anything that is exciting or that inspires a target/victim. A Narcissist will crush any attempts from the target/victim to make sense of their agenda and keep the target CONSTANTLY confused and walking on those eggshells or off balance or basically always being in control of the victim disabling them emotionally AND psychologically. So, let us call this what it is or emotional and psychological abuse!
Any dissention from a victim harms the Narcissist’s flow and need to feel superior or the omnipotent one in any relationship AND most importantly getting the constant admiration that they need OR the supply they are desperately after. The Narcissist has a pathological envy of everything real and normal in people because it discounts the Narcissist’s reality or better yet lack of reality and makes them aware of their shortcomings of WHO they THINK they are. This is expressed in varying degrees throughout the devaluation, discard, and horrific smear campaign where they will trample their target/victim’s integrity into the ground to support their superior facade. Anyone who has shared a life with a Narcissist recognizes the chronic double standards that manifest across all areas of life where rules and laws are applied that the Narcissist NEVER abides by. The most heartbreaking effect of these disorienting double standards is the utter confusion about what is considered right and wrong when sharing a world with a Narcissist. The double standards seem to trade places constantly throughout the relationship. The result is the victim never has a real voice because of the ever-changing rules and standards and the victim is always the one at fault. It is especially evident with children who have been raised by a Narcissistic parent or with this desperate, confusing, and disabling love!
Because of this constant uncertainty is the consistent self-doubt and feeling of worthlessness that manifests itself in the target/victim’s heart and mind. The Narcissist is not only manipulating the mind but also tugging at the heartstrings of the target or victim to stay in control. If you do this, I will love you, but it you do not follow my exact rules and laws I will punish you, terrorize you demean, dehumanize you, AND leave you – not a very tangible approach to any sort of viable relationship. Basically, it is a very dehumanizing form of conditioning and subjugation of a human being and WRONG at every level – THIS is why it is labeled abuse and why THEY are labeled personality disordered.
This constant blend of abusive and charming behavior with the victim is quite common with a tyrannical Narcissist and basically describes the need to control their environment or that manipulative conditioning to keep the victim off guard and totally lost in confusion. For the target/victim it is a toxic osmosis from the devaluation effect of being in the presence of and angry and spiritually draining creature. So, the Narcissist is not in this dance just for positive supply, we are a dumping ground for their toxicity as well and that is what damages the soul and destroys a person’s complete belief system. The Narcissist uses that manipulative and confusing component of equal parts pain and compassion or love and desperation in a manner to make their targets/victims feel that there is that small glimmer of hope that is coming from the Narcissist’s unconditional and loving soul and THAT is what keeps the victim engaged. Unfortunately, that soul if it exists is neither loving nor unconditional. It is dark, empty and knows nothing about real love, truth, or the reality of respecting life – but it does know how to extort whatever it can from a victim even if that means destroying them completely.
The most heartbreaking effect of these disorienting double standards is the utter confusion about what is considered right and wrong when sharing a world with a Narcissist. The double standards seem to trade places constantly throughout the relationship. The Narcissist creates standards, morals, and laws for everybody around them but they themselves do not respect or follow ANY of their own rules or standards and constantly change them to meet THEIR personal needs in any given situation. The result is the victim never has a real voice because of the ever-changing rules and standards and the victim is always the one at fault. A Narcissist will NEVER validate a positive reality or experience for another human being, but instead trap their targets/victims in a fun house maze of mirrors that never reflect an accurate image. The target/victim runs through that fun-house maze of mirrors seeing their reflection as different and ever changing or a static and inaccurate image that is ever-changing. Those who have lived through this know how this easily manipulates and implants itself into a deep-seated belief that one’s interpretation of reality, especially when reality is ambiguous or uncertain, is always the wrong one, the faulty one, the one fully invalidated by the mere existence of the Narcissist’s manipulative interpretation to control people!
Never, never just listen to the Narcissists words, but instead observe the behavior that they back up any of the words they use. Behavior is how we can completely assess the reality of what a person is truly offering us. Words are a Narcissists main tools to make their con job functional and rewarding to themselves! You are vulnerable, worn out, and too confused because your psyche (mind) and body are telling you two different things – there is something terribly wrong BUT there is an illusion of everything being right (because he/she tells you so) and this is an extremely hard thing to accept. If it feels wrong, it is wrong.
What goes along with this is staying out of the Narcissist’s head! Do not try to figure out what they are up to or what’s going on in their lives, what’s in their mind, or second guess them. Getting into a Narcissist’s head means trying to figure out their motives, trying to make excuses for them, trying to rationalize their behavior, maybe even trying to manipulate them, and all this does is gets you sucked right back into the content of the chaos, crazymaking, and abuse again! They trained you well to always think about them, so that it deflects away from the truth that they are the problem, the sick one, and the abusive personality and you turn it around to see what YOU can do to fix this, fix THEM, or even accept the blame that this is ALL your fault.
When you catch yourself thinking about them and trying to gain some relevant information that will help you out in some way, just remember NOTHING is relevant about them except that they lie, cheat, manipulate, steal, use, betray, backstab, brainwash, triangulate, extort lives away from people, and psychologically rape people’s minds. Just do not try to figure out anything they do because the reason behind everything they do is ALWAYS self-serving and full of chaos, manipulation, and lies. What in any of that do you want or need to understand — they are just dangerous to human life! If there really was love you would be together in a manner that there would not be so many issues and always having to explain yourself and feeling so traumatized.
For those who are in doubt of their relationship, read, absorb, and process the truth about Narcissistic behaviors – in other words get a strong education so you can align with the truth of this personality disorder. Keep in mind that toxic people can be mothers, fathers, siblings, coworkers, clergy and religious leaders, politicians, co-workers, bosses, health professionals, romantic partners, or anybody in your world. These people, for whatever reason, feel no remorse or empathy, and display no conscience in their interactions with other human beings. They use, abuse, and discard their source targets for a variety of reasons, be it sex, money, status, or a sense of power but again they do what they do because they are self-serving OR they are after something that you have, and they will do whatever to get it and then destroy your integrity after they have gotten what they came for. They are what they are and will remain that way – only their tactics change and evolve as each new target is acquired. There is no reason to maintain any type of “relationship” with another human being whose only goal in their lifetime is to target and dismantle other human beings for their own selfish purposes – none. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg