Narcissists are always remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider that friendship, care, or love should never hurt a person nor take them down a road of destruction.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
The Narcissist’s self-regulating and controlling mechanics always involves pulling people into their lair and extracting or better yet harvesting information from them AND in turn using this information for whatever GAIN they desire or to use against them! Be it the CHARM or love bombing to harvest their main sources of supply, or people to prop up their hideous façade of saintliness. If those entails being, charming, exciting, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it – just technique!
Their abuse is not only confined to a single person, but instead it is a complex network that includes their primary and secondary supply sources as well as their supportive adoring friends, family members, all of which are basically seduced into their roles too! The Narcissist NEEDS this network to survive (ALL supply) as well as enable them to escape exposure when they get caught in yet another extortion of a person’s life and there is a HUGE trail of destruction that follows them. They need a network of people to support their ‘needy needs’ so this is a full-time job for them to control the world around them. BUT the key element is that they are always on the defensive and everybody is essentially an enemy or someone to use for support because their world is full of lies and holes as it concerns the pretend reality, they PRESENT to us! They are quite used to getting busted and we all have an expiration date with them – so there is ALWAYS the devaluation and smear campaign for them to prepare for and that is why they have been gathering information AND releasing it (backstabbing) well before they are gone — so they have been backstabbing us all throughout the relationship to set up their farewell and total attack on our life.
So with that in mind the Narcissist is ALSO grooming others WITH a deceptive agenda – DIVIDE AND CONQUER. They feel such an intense high or euphoria when they play people against each other, ESPECIALLY when it becomes a competition for them to gain adulation/adoration. Narcissists will absolutely manufacture situations to make you jealous and question their connection with you, relationship, and even fidelity in a so-called love connection. They will even make you think that the people closest to you are talking behind your back. The Narcissist will present the allegations as a concern of course to minimalize the real agenda to put wedges in between you and the people closest to you. The reverse is also true because the Narcissist will go to the people closest to you and make them believe you have said things about them as well – AND only out of concern of course! This basically isolates you from the people closest to you and forces you to become dependent on the concerned Narcissist. Pure deception that destroys you as well as your integrity.
Remember there is always a bigger picture AND rhyme to their reason – so they are doing this with everyone AND putting that wedge in between people with a bit of their backstabbing to compartmentalize people or divide and conquer. They triangulate with your family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, co-workers, neighbors, ex partners, and yes potential new supply (but they usually do that on the side, so we are none the wiser.) Whatever the situation they will triangulate so this even happens within the Narcissist’s own family structure and with their friends, etc. They are essentially triangulating everybody to stay in charge and control of their immediate world by playing one person against the next.
I often would wonder why destruction is also a component to this abuse. Just why doesn’t this Narcissist use their fake love to keep us entangled in their world to achieve everlasting supply. Well the answer is quite simple – without emotions and empathy they are cut off at the knees because there is no human bond or love within them so it is all about control which always has to have that destruction as a working component. Most importantly in understanding this is without the ability to bond with anyone they just get bored and need new and more exciting supply for affirmation like an addict needs their fix or substance to feed their addiction and believe me they are always searching for it. Normal people grow with their care and ability to love but not with a Narcissist. Just like a child with a new toy that they become bored with, they cast it off for another new toy. YES, we are just like a toy to them or an object and that is all – that is why they can act so hateful without flinching because they do not care and cannot care – but they can imitate those emotions like a pro when we are shiny and new to them, but then we see the truth behind the façade. We are only a TOOL for them as long as we provide continual supply for them or an OBSTACLE to destroy when we get in the way of their VAST number of needs or until something else comes along. No/minimal contact to get them completely out of your life. Greg