Abusers just do NOT all of sudden change and stop abusing because they do NOT have an ‘off switch,’ THIS is who they ALWAYS are!
Abusers just do NOT all of sudden change and stop abusing because they do NOT have an ‘off switch,’ THIS is who they ALWAYS are! FACT: A Narcissist never really moves on in a normal or healthy way – they just move OVER to another viable source of supply that they were able to CHARM (manipulate) into their world just like they did to us. It is ALL the constantly changing mechanics of their abuse agenda, and there is nothing more to it than a new VICTIM and a new opportunity for supply because we served our purpose and there is nothing left for THEM. They will portray this ‘so called’ new relationship as AMAZING, but that is just their delusional ‘public relations campaign’ to protect themselves AND discredit us by making themselves look like the normal one JUST in case we speak up with the truth. Do not forget they also want to rub this new scam in our faces to kick us more while we are down!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
No matter what, we MUST understand that what we are feeling are those emotions we were conned into believing that THIS was the real thing and somehow we failed because of something we did or didn’t do to make it right. NO – none of this was real and only a repeat agenda of this Narcissist that they will consistently repeat over and over again with MANY other targets. It had NOTHING to do with us personally or who we are or are not. Every day tell yourself this truth, even if you must crawl to get there! All of this is the poison that they poured into our hearts and minds to blame us so they could easily make their exit while wounding us on the way out or in essence silencing us. The rest of the ‘discard devaluation’ will follow as they proclaim their new relationship, new love, amazing love, etc. – all showboating so THEY SEEM like the normal one to protect their image from the truth that we might expose about THEM – or discrediting us upfront!
So, to start, one of the most important issues when trying to recover from Narcissistic abuse is our tendency to obsess about the abuser in our life. We tend to believe that while we are left holding all the dark and delusional energy from the relationship, the abuser escaped without any repercussions and with all the goods. We imagine the Narcissist to be off walking in the sunset with his/her new love while we are sitting at home suffering depression, apathy, anger and horrific emotional pain, financial loss and psychological issues that they imposed on us. Remember they are still a Narcissist, and I would rather recover from their abuse than be one of THEM!
If we really take the time to think about it, it is highly unlikely that our abuser is really having the happy life that they SAY they do. The clinical aspect of this abuse AND why the Narcissist acts out in the manner he/she does stems from a deep sense of inadequacy and low self-worth. The Narcissist is forced to get his/her feelings of well-being from external things or those (people) outside himself/herself. A Narcissist may temporarily experience the illusion of perfection with another person because they MUST seek this attention/adulation out to survive, much like they did with us, but AGAIN this is “temporary” because they do NOT bond with people – everything in their world is externalized or objectification.
If the Narcissist builds his/her self-image or good feelings about themselves based on how he/she is perceived by others, it is only a matter of time before the “love spell” is broken just like with us. Remember there are no internal mechanisms; everything is based on external images that the Narcissist sees/uses as their own reflection of perfection. You need the mix of the healthy internal mechanisms of love, empathy, compassion, as well as the harmony/co-existence WITH the external world to live and to grow with another person.
Sooner or later his/her new love will have issues or complaints with the relationship because a Narcissist can’t survive with JUST ONE SOURCE OF SUPPLY. Also, a Narcissist does not allow individuality and face it this always becomes an issue because we were born to support our own thoughts and actions to validate our existence and support our goals/plans, etc. in life – that is just normal and people naturally disagree on different issues. WELL, a Narcissist can’t and won’t allow the slightest deviation from their projected image of perfection so EVERYONE will be devalued and discarded just because we have our own mind and personality – so there is never growth that allows another person individuality or to be a part of a real relationship.
There is never a ‘new healthy relationship’ with a Narcissist so do not obsess about this and remember that things are not always as they appear especially with this Narcissist that has lied to you/us every moment that they were breathing. We are not the exception to the rule that drove this person to abuse us NOR did they suddenly change overnight and become healthy with a new ‘love’. Think about the unconditional love and support that you gave to this person (the Narcissist,) and who would reject/destroy this love but a highly disordered person. This was all a huge con job starting from the very first day we met them.
What you see or imagine is likely a fantasy that you have created in your own mind that the Narcissist has reinforced with more lies and illusions to keep you under their control and make you out to be obsessed. It heightens their image of themselves to manipulate you even more after the fact so they can prove to the world that they are just that amazing and you (we) are obsessed, scorned, or can’t move on without them. Guess what – we can, and I have and this place I am at is wonderful and how it is meant to be.
Changing this fantasy means taking back the power and controlling your thoughts to change what you tell yourself because you now know the truth, right? When we live our lives in dysfunction there is always black and white thinking. We are either all good or all bad and guess who is controlling all of this – YUP the Narcissist. There are no shades of gray where a Narcissist is involved, and we somehow lose the ability to believe in ourselves as we once did.
When the Narcissist projects all of these images that we are to blame, it is our problem, always our fault, etc. and we feel ‘shame’ as if we ARE the bad one and they in turn become the good one. We try to fix each and every one of their delusional attacks on our integrity as if we did something/anything to deserve this – just an outcome of their brainwashing. This destroys our self-worth, and we feel so much worse because we have somehow lost everything that we believed was good about ourselves. We are under the illusion that our good has been taken away, conned out of us, stolen from us, kidnapped because we believed in love AND WERE DUPED. But this is far from the truth of what is happening.
You felt worthy and loveable once. So, what happened? We gave the Narcissist the power to validate us because we became emotionally attached thinking we would grow as two normal people do in a relationship OR we believed in them and gave them our trust. Unfortunately, when we give someone else the power to validate our worthiness, we also give them the power to invalidate us and NOW after the fact we see what the Narcissist has done with that trust we offered as well as all the personal information we gave so freely (as normal people do) – they abused it and used it against us.
With a Narcissist nobody is ever worthy of a real relationship of ANY type or love – EVEN themselves. They pretend that they are perfect and love everything about themselves, but they are a huge needy pit that only sucks the life energy out of everybody they come in contact with. Do you really want to spend your life fixing or loving that? NO – just like everyone else I can tell you stories that would have your head spinning, but you have many of your own stories that would send my head spinning too. It was a demeaning, dehumanizing, debasing and a destructive life with them AND they DO NOT CHANGE – so we must start responding in a manner to encapsulate all of this into what we call emotional and psychological abuse from a Narcissist and purge it and them out of our lives forever. No/minimal contact always. Greg