With this abuse, we must TRY to understand that we as ‘normal’ people find it hard to wrap our heads around their actions, BUT we must do so to be able to move on and up to a higher level of recovery. In other words, we must accept that they are what they are, they will NOT ever change – then move forward with this NEW clarity and truth, do some damage control, seek good solutions, and return to the healthy life we deserve!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
What I am going to try to do here is to explain why the educational process is extremely important to recovery. I am not using the word education in a manner that only describes the Narcissist or abuse and “there you have it!’ Instead, I am trying to emphasize the importance of education being vital to desensitizing the abuse messages that play in your mind, as well as defining the manner that a Narcissist drives this abuse straight into your heart, soul, mind and world.
Targets/victims get so lost in the day to day managing down that they fail to see just how effective the Narcissist is at distorting their reality (the manipulation.) You are never having a REAL conversation with a REAL person. This is the essence of ABUSE and how we become desensitized, and our reality distorted. Everything a Narcissist says (and does) has NOTHING to do with a normal ‘back and forth’ conversation between two normal people! You (target/victim) are COMMUNICATING and believing that the Narcissist is reciprocating, but they are observing and scheming through your words and actions AND using what they know about you AGAINST YOU. They are drawing information from you in a manner to know your strengths and weaknesses and again, how to use those against you. They may reply in what seems like a normal manner, but they are actually interrogating you to draw out what they can. From there they distort what they can, so you never have a cohesive conversation with them. When they start to devalue you, they will draw upon what they have learned about you – embellish it, PERSONALIZE it, and then use it against you – that is what can make it feel so personal and real to us. They will also do the same with the very things you like/love – and of course use that to keep you hanging on and believing in them. Everything is just a tool for them to carry out their agenda.
You will always find yourself WONDERING about something or other. The end result is that they have you where they want you – trapped in your own mind and heart. Along with that they employ so many techniques to confuse you, or make you question what you said, or basically always feeling like you have to explain yourself and perform for their approval. That is how they gain the upper hand! Beyond the CHARM or love bombing which was just another grand scheme to emotionally manipulate you into the abuse with words and actions, the remainder of the relationship will consume you with always feeling the need to defend yourself. There is no such thing as individuality with a Narcissist and they are not going to allow you to have needs or be anything but what they want you to be. The KEY point here is that the love you FEEL (conned into) connects you to a Narcissist as well as blinds you to the abuse because they dangle that love in front of you and make you basically beg to have it back. That is purely behavioral modification using withholding techniques to change you to accept their disordered abuse! Remember that they are employing their disguise to con everyone around them to get what they want, but the primary 24/7 supply suffers the most from this abuse. They have other sources of supply on the side to feed their out-of-control lifestyle, and minions that sing their praises. How sad and destructive for the primary 24/7 target/victim to believe that what they have with a Narcissist is LOVE when it is nothing more than a place for the Narcissist to have constant supply as well as a refuge to hide the truth of just how perverted they are.
The dynamics of a relationship with them is built solely on the premise that you are a PERFORMANCE object to this distorted creature for as long as they want you to be OR until they have extorted everything, they can from you, OR you uncover the truth about them. Unfortunately, you are coming from what you believe is a real relationship with them, so you are blinded to the day-to-day subtle manipulation and abuse. Love, commitment, and growth are your goals, but slowly but surely your emotions and thoughts are eroded away until you lose the person you were for so many years. The Narcissist does not ever stop the abuse because they need to devalue and discard you and they manipulate you into temporary insanity. They push and push you so that you react in ways that MAKE you out to be the ‘crazy one’ and then they use that against you. This is what they are and what they do. There is absolutely NOTHING you could have done to change any of this. This is a predator with an agenda to secure its prey, feed off it, devalue it, destroy it, and then move on to new hunting grounds to find another person to prey on. BUT they are so good at this game that few see through them until it is too late! Add to the fact that a Narcissist will destroy each of their targets/victim’s integrity to cover their tracks by using the insanity they forced you into AGAINST you. The world is none the wiser to these criminals. Try explaining your incredulous experience and you have sealed your faith as being the ‘crazy one’ just like the Narcissist has described you to everyone and BEHIND your back. The Narcissist has everything covered as far as the abuse is concerned.
Targets/victims that are abused must understand that the abuse does not have anything to do with them and the actions of the Narcissist are not their fault. What you are feeling and reacting to is the many years of the brainwashing or manipulation (same thing.) You are NOT this person but instead a brainwashed individual that has had your dignity striped away from you by a highly disordered and destructive abuser. This is one of the hardest things to realize that there is absolutely nothing you could have done that would have any influence on changing this creature. Targets/victims of emotional/psychological abuse often think otherwise hoping they can fix things and only end up in this vortex of blaming themselves as being the defective one as well as the reason for the failing state of the relationship. Again, this is the Narcissist doing what they do so well, confusing you and using mind control to make you accept their disordered agenda. It is the only way these creatures could function in our world and that is through lies and manipulation, otherwise they would be in jail for what they really are.
Just some reality and the truth! With a Narcissist you will give until you are emotionally, spiritually, and physically bankrupt and receive little or nothing in return AND you will lose yourself completely. Just take a hard look at yourself today and then compare that with your state of being when you first met your narcissistic partner. You are more than likely psychologically and emotionally worse off and feeling totally numb and a different person. Narcissists are thieves and once they have taken all you have to give, you are history, and they discard you and move on to new and plentiful supply.
PLEASE, please internalize that they waged a psychological war that had an agenda with you from day one! Narcissists are amoral and you CAN’T engage with them in any moral or conscience-based issues and expect to achieve anything or better yet win. They DON’T love, bond, care, friend, or even relate to people — they abuse and extort. Narcissists have absolutely no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. They abide by no rules or laws. They are not REAL! There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their thoughtless and CRUEL approach to other people, especially yourself. They feel COMPLETELY entitled in this world. If you are looking for revenge, then you will never achieve any satisfaction in that arena either. They do not connect to your thoughts or words as they concern any opinion that you may have about them, nor do they care. You are an object and supply, and it begins and ends there!
ONCE you get to your ‘ah ha’ moment with them – go no/minimal contact and stay as far away from them as physically possible. Add to this that you must also train yourself to distance yourself as far away EMOTIONALLY as possible too! SERIOUSLY know that they never loved you nor could they love you because they are void of empathy and emotions! This means that you DON’T trespass in their abode or hunting grounds, and do not peek at their online social sites. Also do not ever get into conversations, phone calls or texts thinking that they are missing you and softening in their approach to you, they are only gaining information to use against you. Remember they were very adept at abusing you and putting you in the place of despair that you are presently in. You have put your best foot forward or probably both feet and every other thing you could put forward to end up where you are now. They do not change overnight or EVER for that matter. Remember that you cannot fight and expect to win on their turf because it is disordered, delusional and abusive. That is not what you or I are about, nor will we ever be able to wrap our heads around a Narcissist’s dark and destructive lifestyle – it would be like walking through a dark maze with a one lit match. We are people of empathy, integrity, respectful, and loving – and we must embrace this and protect ourselves by moving on and away from them. The truth ALWAYS comes out in the end! No/minimal contact. Greg