WHAT WENT WRONG and WHAT HAPPENED to this relationship – a question we ALL have asked ourselves!
WHAT WENT WRONG and WHAT HAPPENED to this relationship – a question we ALL have asked ourselves! If you have been in a relationship with a Narcissist – idealized and later devalued and discarded, you were more than likely shocked or even blown away at the turnaround or ‘about face’ concerning your Narcissist’s relationship with you. The truth – there NEVER was a real relationship with them we were just their next source of supply (or object) with an expiration date.
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist
One day you wake up and this Narcissist hates you and is acting out against you, smearing your good name, and destroying your integrity to everyone and ultimately trying to ruin your valuable relationships with friends, family as well as your co-workers and career. WITHOUT A DOUBT, this was inevitable with a Narcissist. You did nothing wrong to cause that change and the demise of the relationship you had with them. If you are not 100% on their page, if you are not completely accepting of them, if you do not show complete admiration, if you are not a perfect mirror to the narcissist, you are branded as bad and will be devalued as is the fate of every person that has had any sort of relationship with a Narcissist. It’s simply the Narcissist’s way of viewing the world. KEEP IN MIND that you are not dealing with a fully functioning human being that has any empathy for life, or any semblance of morality, or the ability to tell the truth AND you must completely accept their disordered life of lies or you are discarded and destroyed. It is the Narcissist that is bad to the bone – and it is as if they ritualistically project their negative and abusive life onto every person that loves them – this includes family and even their biological children. We must come to terms that they are pathological liars, psychological terrorists and abusers that destroy lives.
Narcissists are everywhere in this world, and wherever they are there is chaos, crazy making, high drama, destroyed relationships, betrayal, lies, and destruction. The average/normal person is aware that something is wrong with the Narcissist, but they are confused and unable to recognize or define the situation as the mental health issue it is – or more specifically a personality disorder.
Narcissists are self-serving chameleons that “shape shift” into whatever they need or want to be to serve a specific agenda they have. They do not have genuinely ordered or consistent thoughts, concerns, or ANY moral codes. Morality is relative to their desires at any given moment, and they act on all of them. In plain English they are extortionists and use people by manipulating them to get what they can. They have an uncanny ability to seduce to the point of ‘brainwashing’ others. They are also hypocrites in that they pass judgment on others as well as call them out for negative behaviors, when in fact the Narcissist is overtly guilty of these SAME BEHAVIORS and WORSE! All part of the HUGE mask the Narcissist wears to hide the monster behind it.
This chameleon nature is a façade or their “mask” that allows them to get by or pass as normal in public, but they are cruel, nasty dictators, terrorists, and abusers in their private lives. They often have incredibly dysfunctional and damaged family lives and it is not uncommon for them to have multiple relationships or ‘past’ partners (that they still use as “extra” supply on the side), or ex’s that they harass and stalk relentlessly. Most have a long pattern of cheating on their partners. They are toxic individuals pure and simple, and THEY NEVER CHANGE.
The narcissist back stabs people continually throughout their disordered life. To them it is control and power over others. They will consistently demonstrate their power with back handed and insulting behavior toward others. They will utilize behaviors like talking people down or making them the brunt of a rude and demeaning joke, making fun of them, totally ignoring or silencing them, being late for important events, simply not attending or walking out of events, avoiding being a team player at all costs, refusing to consult or ask for help and just acting out ON THEIR OWN SELF ACCLAIMED AUTHORITY. There are absolutely NO RULES that they follow, so there is never accountability either – that gets displaced onto us through blame and shame because the Narcissist is the eternal victim of life.
There is no having a real relationship with a Narcissist, you may be in what you believe is a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you – you are Narcissistic supply. You are only in their life to make them look good or because you are useful to the narcissist as an object to satisfy a need. Nothing is ever internalized with a Narcissist like emotional bonds, caring, love or EMPATHY. Their world is totally external, and everyone is objectified like a shiny new car that the Narcissist drives/wears to make them look however special they feel they need to be. Their image is a fake aspect of their chameleon like nature – and it constantly changes just like the chameleon changes its colors to blend into an environment.
The narcissist constantly violates boundaries albeit physical, emotional, and mental. They follow no rules in life, or respect human dignity/rights, or adhere to any written laws. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make, and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or take/steal anything that belongs to others. Ownership is their birthright or so they feel because they are above the normal order of life. They will violate your standing with figures of authority in an effort to cause trouble/destruction or just to “one up” you. They are truly extortionists, and they take everything and anything they can get their hands on. BUT remember this chameleon camouflages itself with CHARM – so they get away with virtual murder because they have been doing this all their lives and they are just that good at it. The people that know the truth about them are mostly their targets/victims – the rest become their minions at some useful level that they charm into believing just how special they are AND they protect the Narcissist’s lies and disordered life – they are the enablers of their abuse.
Every target/victim or mental health professional will say the best way to cope with a Narcissist is to get as far away from them as you can, and as fast as you can and firm it up with NO CONTACT.
The next AND particularly important step is that you MUST come to the realization that your intuitions that ‘something is/was wrong’ is the reality or truth about your relationship with them. That will open the door to all of the truth that they are disordered and not fully functioning human beings. Narcissists are excellent manipulators, and they will brain-wash or can convince you that IT IS YOU, and not them that has the problem, and lastly everything is your fault AND you have abused them! Remember they are convincing other people that it is you as well – this is part of their escape from being exposed.
You must also educate yourself about this personality disorder or you will be pulled back into the abuse with their lies and manipulation. Block their narcissistic behaviors and completely ignore them and remove any narcissistic supply that they are getting from you. They hate to be ignored and will move on to someone else for new Narcissistic supply. They CAN and will blind sight you with crazy making and chaos and you will spend your entire life in a dance with the Narcissist until one day you wake up and you have lost sight of who you are and where your life has gone. Do not try to reason with them because they simply refuse to confront their own behaviors or acknowledge that they have ANY problem at all. Communication with them will only create a frenzy of crazy making that will create more negativity because they live this way. You cannot rationalize with a Narcissist because where there is no reality there is no truth. Lies are the tools they utilize which are always meant to harm others.
Lastly, you must Identify and build strong personal boundaries against the Narcissist, or they will continually violate you. These boundaries MUST include emotional, mental, and even physical boundaries, and the boundaries MUST be strong, enforceable, and completely leak-proof.
There are situations where you MUST deal with a Narcissist – especially if you have children together, or they are a family member. So, to cope with a Narcissist effectively you must be able to differentiate between reality and normalcy that is YOU AND YOUR REAL LIFE as compared to the constant drama, chaos and crazy making that orbits around the Narcissist constantly. You must consistently validate your own personal existence and morals, and hold on to yourself with a firm grip, never allowing the narcissist to drag you back into the abuse by violating and controlling your emotions, thoughts, or behaviors like they did. If you don’t, they will eat you alive and drag you back into the abuse with their vast array of manipulation, lies, betrayal, brainwashing and essentially psychological ABUSE!
In the end you will realize that there was absolutely nothing you gained from your relationship with a Narcissist except getting your freedom back to live a normal and healthy life again. Your empathy and emotions connected you to them at the hip – we call this “love” in a normal relationship, but unfortunately there was not even an ounce or shred of normalcy/reality in our association with them. It was a master of deception extorting every aspect of our life mentally and physically.
It will always reside in the back of your mind that somehow a monster got into your world and almost devoured you completely, as well as the fact that they still exist out there with their minions, flying monkeys or whatever we want to call the people around them that SUPPORT their abuse. None of them are worth the battle of lies and deception that will yield as the result of confronting any of them directly. They absorb the negativity that they create around them, and it energizes them and then they feel powerful – they enjoy inflicting harm/destruction onto others. In my case KARMA is doing what it needs to do because the people that meant anything to me are still here and surround me with love and protection. The people that need chaos, lies, belittling, chaos, crazy making, etc., are there with the monster where they belong, and they mean nothing to me and never have. There is no beautiful life that surrounds a Narcissist, only lies, illusions, delusions, and chaos – all at the cost of the ‘others’ around the Narcissist. BE VERY THANKFUL that you are away from the abuse and learn about who you are again, because you are an amazing person that can and will survive this psychological terrorism or attack from this monster. Stay NO CONTACT at all costs and LOVE again. As a great person and amazing friend of mine says – After Narcissistic Abuse – there is light, life and love! Truly there is! Greg