The Narcissist’s actions are meant to leave us in a very confused and vulnerable state, one that makes us challenge our own mind and reality and then pull us further into the abuse.
The Narcissist’s actions are meant to leave us in a very confused and vulnerable state, one that makes us challenge our own mind and reality and then pull us further into the abuse. You/we throw reality, our intuition, and everything that we know to be true right out the window. Your persona has been eroded by the many mixed messages and confusion that a Narcissist creates and has created (in the past) with so many other situations just like this. A Narcissist sets this all-in motion with purpose and intent. The confusion keeps you frozen in time, vulnerable and blind to the reality that they are managing you down. This is the method to their madness to keep you/us right there with these distorted messages while they are away securing other supply, betraying you or whatever they have going on. You are left isolated and attacking your own reality through their words and actions. They start the abuse, and you finish it by going through the motions of blaming yourself and trying to make sense out of this darkness they left you in. REMEMBER the Narcissist preceded this horrendous managing down (devaluation) with their ‘love bombing.’ In the beginning we saw it (and still see it) as a viable relationship, but in fact it was part of their agenda to gain our trust first, then objectify us to harvest supply. An object just needs to be what it is and serve a purpose. If it doesn’t function in this capacity, it is replaced. We aren’t objects so we have to be managed down to become one!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
Just consider any confrontation (and this is what the Narcissist employs as a tactic) and how we are stressed out when someone in the normal realm attacks us blindly. Perhaps again in the normal world a friend, coworker, or family member, confronts you in a ‘hit and run’ fashion where there is no resolution or closure, and you are left dumfounded trying to seek relevancy on your own – it is traumatizing. With a Narcissist these ‘hit and run’ attacks are consistent and administered regularly and part of their plan. Add the component of your emotions that you more than likely love this person and the situation becomes debilitating because you are bending your emotions to the point of breaking to resolve all of these conflicts. Over time we just end up complying by remaining silent because we know that if we challenge the Narcissist, it will only intensify the situation. This is what we call walking on eggshells or conforming to their crazy making. To me it was more like walking on broken glass!
Believe me when that Narcissist is off, and you are left isolated they are doing what they want to do and they diverted your thoughts to get there! You are left HAVING to deal with or concentrate on the distorted event. More than likely they are out there betraying you in some form or fashion, otherwise they would be right there with you provoking more of their crazy making or throwing you a little positive bone to keep you connected. There was just some sort of opportunity for a little extra supply somewhere!
On one side of the spectrum there is us believing that there is relevance and reality to the relationship. On the other side is the Narcissist that doesn’t have ANY connection to us emotionally and our relevance is nothing more than that of an object that serves them. To take this a step further we are their 24/7 supply BUT they are securing supply every opportunity that they can and sometimes they need to create space for their freedom. Nobody in the Narcissist’s world has any more relevance than the other. This is the huge con, the one that keeps us connected to them at the hip – and it is a “funny thing called love” to us!
Once the Narcissist plants the diversion seed in your mind you tender it, fertilize it, and allow it to grow. They purposely want to isolate you with their distortions to disable you. Without resolution or their presence, you are only in a debate with yourself. With their distancing and silence, you end up believing that their lack of contact is proof positive that what they have said is real to them and somehow you ARE the problem, and you must source this out with so many distorted thoughts of your own to bring about some sort of reconciliation. They will go as far as adding more insult to your injury if you should attempt to contact them by flatly refusing to give in. They may embellish the situation even more by posting something on a social site as if they are enjoying a great day or perhaps even being with someone you may not even know. It is not unusual for you to look at their social site page because you are in a relationship with them. But once there you see some of the craziest posts, pictures, likes, etc., that are meant to confound you more and reinforce their crazy making. You are now deeper into this and your goal is to fix it at all costs because now it seems to be threatening the relationship completely. You have been completely managed down and believing that YOU ARE THE PROBLEM even when there is no basis or truth to it! Narcissistic terrorism (psychological and emotional abuse) to control you completely!
They are only fueling the abuse with their subtle actions and of course the isolation period. Basically, they are leaving you alone with your thoughts that they have directed to manage you down, which only amounts to making you feel vulnerable and paranoid. They made this real with their OVERT power of negative suggestion that baits you or puts you in a place of blame and worthlessness. You are always being accused or made to feel wrong for everything, none of which is real. You will keep cycling through the events looking for answers where there are none. You will try to relate to every other similar argument or situation and only end up blaming yourself more and more. You will reject your own emotions concerning this and label yourself in many different ways that make you blame yourself. Whatever the argument that led up to this you were managed down so many times before to believe that you and your thoughts are distorted – so you believe this.
They are subtle with their words that shift blame onto you, but they are powerful enough to set this all in motion. They have consistently repeated this scenario with you so many times that the message is firmly planted in your subconscious, and it always plays back to you with each, and every new argument and it now becomes anxiety that turns into fear. That anxiety becomes imprinted in your mind. You haven’t resolved any of these situations and now there are layers upon layers of these messages that shout out to your conscious way of thinking. EVERYTHING is your fault, and you must change!
What do you change because everything is born out of their rage and accusations that have no reality, but something is wrong, SO IT MUST BE YOU! In reality you know it isn’t you, but SOMETHING is causing the Narcissists to react with all of this disdain. It is your reality now to resolve this and that is what you do by jumping through so many hoops and allowing the dysfunction to FUNCTION. They are out and about without a worry, and they are not contacting you and why? They just don’t give a “poo,” But they will be back in a few days full of love and apologies. You know the routine so you will allow this one more time, and one more time after this, and pretty soon you have conditioned yourself to allow this throughout the whole relationship! You just want to get to the part where they say they love you and everything is OK again. BUT IT ISN’T!
Once we educate ourselves to see what the real motive is and how we actualize the blame because we want resolution to end the anxiety and fear, then we finally add the element of truth or reality as it concerns an abusive relationship with a Narcissist. It is these small steps that take you down the road of recovery and releasing from the blame they shoved into your head. Education AND no/minimal contact is the only way to realize this truth! The truth releases you, and then and only then you can leave that Narcissist behind or DISCARD them and start healing! Greg