It is one thing for the Narcissist to confess to someone that they are in love with them BUT going to the extreme of claiming, ultimate closeness and displaying feelings and actions to confirm that we were “the one,” their soulmate, etc., is the ultimate and most extreme betrayal a person can experience in life. Once you have escaped from the narcissist, there are a great many issues you will have to face, and often you read that the worst aspect of having been close to a narcissist is the fact that everything has been a lie, betrayal and loss – but in fact the worse aspect is coming to terms with the fact that you have to face life again after with many negative components that were purposely inflicted upon your personal well-being and sanity.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
The Narcissist has robbed the target/victim of their authenticity and integrity and even purposely destroyed it with backstabbing and a smear campaign. To learn to trust yourself and to believe in yourself is a task which will not be easy to accomplish. And the only help at hand is the reality in the knowledge that you were genuine with your feelings and that you had been tricked into an emotional situation which ultimately was out of your control. Recovery is a process to reclaim your feelings and emotions and to overcome fears of expressing such feelings in the real world. Every little step towards this is a success. Just remember that the potential for finding a genuine and loving relationship still exists within you. YOU ARE A PERSON THAT CAN LOVE, a Narcissist can NEVER love and lives in a loathsome and dark world where they will always be alone no matter whether they are physically with someone or not.
Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist can be described in many ways – but the reality of the situation is that we have looked into the eyes of what can only be described as the nearest thing to evil. It is psychological terrorism by a disordered human being that had no intentions whatsoever to be anything to us but a thief of hearts, as well as a thief of life.
The aspect that is the most damaging about this abuse is that it is silent and invisible – the psychological abuse that has robbed the target/victim of their spirit. Life is no longer the world that we once knew – it doesn’t feel safe, and our core beliefs about one of the most cherished aspects of life – “LOVE” – has been redefined by a silent battle that ensued with an enemy that believed we loved. A battle that we actually never realized was going on. Yes they are enemies to mankind because they act out in a manner to destroy good people, leaving them and their welfare at such a vulnerable place that the recovery is a process that requires time that can compound the abuse even more. Loss is the best word to use here, loss that destroys people and families.
Nothing about this abuse can be construed as anything normal. It is an impossible task to wrap you head around the intentions of such a disordered person, yet alone explain the abuse to the world in a manner that achieves a sense of credibility. Narcissists are like a disease that slowly enters the body and spreads everywhere destroying and shutting the body down bit by bit. Unfortunately there is no cure or medication to stop the diseased Narcissist except to remove the malignancy completely from your life. ALWAYS NO CONTACT – then the process starts to your personal recovery.
Whether you are a man or a woman who has endured an abusive relationship with a Narcissist the best policy AGAIN is the “No/Minimal Contact” rule and the sooner you achieve this the better. You must make a clean break and stick with it so the healing process can begin. It’s natural to feel emotional or sentimental after a break up; however, you are in a war zone when you are dealing with an abusive relationship with a Narcissist. Seriously they have the artillery, landmines, and bombs ready and waiting to destroy their target/victim!
This is serious stuff because your time is precious on this earth and once you recognize that your ex is an abusive malignant Narcissist it is time to get into action to get away from them. I looked at my departure from abuse as the “GREG Witness Protection Program.” These are the basic combat plans to achieve your goals of “no contact” as well as protect yourself.
1. Ability not to care at all as it concerns your Ex-Narcissist! They are not real and don’t exist in the natural and normal world where we all reside.
2. Make a commitment to yourself to refuse to be influenced in any way by threats, further intimidation, or bad consequences. Leave it where it is – WITH THE NARCISSIST hissing in the shadows – and NEVER respond; only record what they say as proof. They are cowards and fight with hideous lies meant to cause irreparable damage to your integrity
3. Take a decisive approach to breaking ALL of the connections and sever any and ALL residual communication links like mutual friends or social networking sites like Facebook, etc.
4. YOU MUST absolutely refuse to feel any “shame or blame” or to be put on the defensive especially in your OWN mind as if ANY of this is your fault or real. The abuse is psychological terrorism and meant to disable your thought processes so the Narcissist can CONTROL you – DON’T ALLOW IT anymore!
5. Insistence from this point on that any discussion of the facts begin with the words “abuse,” “destruction,” and “control” as well as removing the Narcissists name from your vocabulary – CALL him/her your Ex-Narcissist and you had NO RELATIONSHIP – it was purely abuse.
6. Refusal to negotiate EVER because you KNOW the absolute truth so NEVER give it up – NEVER!
7. Satisfaction that you are strong and cognizant of the fact that this Narcissist picked the wrong person to “smear” or take down. You are the real person here that is amazing, unconditional with your love and most importantly you possess a quality called empathy which a Narcissist has NONE.
8. Adopt a policy or philosophy of collateral damage as the cost of freedom from this abuse and further evidence of the rightness of your cause and the very truth. It is like RUNNING but in an organized fashion!
9. Practice extreme patience with yourself always and don’t be worn down by any setbacks, surprises, or consequence. We all make mistakes and step backwards. This isn’t something you have had experience with because it is ABUSE and that word says it all!
Re-initiating contact will only prolong your pain and recovery and cause more and severe damage. It’s the difference between recuperating in the hospital slowly after open heart surgery or deciding instead that you will skip the recuperation period and go work out at the gym. You are only going to end up in harm’s way if you don’t recuperate correctly until you are COMPLETELY healed. In the case of a Narcissist, you want to maintain that “no contact” forever!
If you give a Narcissist an inch, they’ll they take an arm or leg off with a few swift bites. You may think it is OK to accept calls and/or responding to texts and emails, but it is wrong and DANGEROUS. You’re giving the Narcissist permission to keep abusing you. The Narcissist will interpret your willingness to maintain contact as interest in rekindling the relationship and a WEAKNESS on your part and they will add more links to that chain that is around your neck. If you DO respond to your Ex-Narcissist, he/she does indeed still have you on a chain that will now get tighter to pull you back into the abuse. The Narcissist will definitely continue to gas-light, manipulate, trick you, lie, be possessive and intrusive, and extort everything they can from you. All that Narcissist needs is the smallest bit of attention, negative or positive to keep them going. If you want that Narcissist to move on, you must starve the beast and that means no contact and no attention. Greg