Minimal Contact – A little field guide to help you through the insidious process and BREAK FREE from their PRISON of ABUSE when you HAVE to be in contact with them!

Minimal Contact – A little field guide to help you through the insidious process and BREAK FREE from their PRISON of ABUSE when you HAVE to be in contact with them!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

 A Narcissist wants you to react to their hurtful behaviors, so they can feel righteous, indignant, powerful, in control – AND even hurt and justified when they need to blame and dump their shame onto us – just all part of their delusion and ABUSE. If you don’t react, that upsets them, too. Remember, ultimately, there is no winning with them AT ALL while you stay engaged with them in a relationship OF ANY SORT. You CAN win by not giving a Narcissist the reaction he/she wants, disengaging, and if you can do it (AND YOU SHOULD) ending the relationship and recovering your soul, self-esteem, and life. Maintaining any level of hyper-vigilance and behavioral maintenance with a toxic Narcissist is emotionally, physically, and psychologically exhausting and DESTRUCTIVE. So here is how to dis-engage, move on, recover, be free, enjoy your life, and LOVE somebody that is real.

 So, let’s start by using one of the Narcissist’s tools – and that is DEVALUING. It is our turn to devalue the Narcissist and hold them accountable for EVERYTHING they have done – and our devaluation isn’t done in a manner to abuse as a Narcissist does to their targets/victims – it is exposing the truth about what they did and what they are. Accountability has to go back to DAY ONE – and what a great deal to accomplish since their abuse spans the entire relationship from the first day they sized us up for abuse – but it is the truth and the reality WE MUST ACCEPT. A little caution by holding them accountable you may get some major strikes from the Narcissist raging, yelling, hideous insults, accusations, etc., things you are probably already familiar with! The Narcissist won’t admit you’re right, nor accept responsibility for their abusive behaviors, lies, and distortions. You also won’t get the validation, vindication, or closure you long for, BUT it puts the truth foremost and that truth will build a great wall that will stand between you and the Narcissist. That wall empowers you and protects you from the Narcissist trying to pull you back into more abuse. The truth WILL light your way to recovery and freedom!

 Don’t start a huge argument with them ever – like an all-out yelling match. Don’t get in the Narcissist’s face the way he/she gets or got in yours. Calmly and clearly bring it all back to the facts and turn it back onto them. Commit to phrases like these and even memorize them: “That’s not true.” “I won’t admit that’s true no matter how angry you get.” “That’s not how I remember it. Here is what really happened.” The Narcissist will probably continue to talk or shout over you, change their story as they continue yapping their psychopathy at you AND in your face. The Narcissist will deny things ever happened and/or call you a liar, but that still doesn’t change the facts of their behaviors and events. IT IS THE TRUTH – and that is like putting a mirror in front of a vampire and revealing that THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REFLECTION OF A REAL IMAGE. That is what happens when the truth is exposed – we realize that their image was fake, a big lie, and all part of a plan to extort and harm us with their well-rehearsed cycle of abuse. DISENGAGE and set yourself free – you are not a prisoner!

 If you can’t achieve no-contact, because of children or whatever reason prevents you from getting there, remember this – CHOOSE your battles. You can’t respond to everything the Narcissist says, does or demands. You just can’t because that is and always has been part of their game plan – and now you get it finally, so disengage from it – PLUS there aren’t enough hours in the day to listen to the Narcissist’s crazy making and chaos. Figure out your bottom line as it concerns necessary contact with them. Make concessions on small issues to allow the Narcissist to feel like their “winning” and stick to your guns on the big issues. This will help to preserve your sanity. Embrace – better yet grasp onto your OWN reality and hold on to it for dear life because that Narcissist is trying to drag you back into their darkness.

 Contain any and all emotions. Whatever you do, DON’T ask a Narcissist to explain their feelings because they HAVE NONE – all you will get is more lies, manipulations, more betrayal and whatever else they can pull out of their bag of tricks to reel you back into abuse. DON’T express your emotions EVER, because it will become a trap. If you tell that shrewd Narcissist what you’re thinking and feeling, it will be held and used against you in the future. Remember they will want to accuse you of many negative things when they start realizing you mean business and are moving on – don’t give them any more fuel to use against you OR for their “smear campaign.”

Narcissists can’t handle their own intense emotions much less the emotions of others. That’s why they are human PROJECTION machines – or this phrase that I have heard used by other authors – Narcissist’s react with a vile assault of “emotional projectile vomiting.” It is all of those familiar feelings like anxiety, fear, self-doubt, worthlessness, self-loathing, anger, etc. – that we have all experienced many times. You become the receptacle for their emotional projectile vomiting with one of their rages that attacks your spirt and self-esteem, little by little. After they deposit the contents of their highly disturbed psyche onto you (that is the clinical projection thing) then they feel better because you’re now carrying THEIR toxicity for them.

 So, when the Narcissist starts projecting, again, don’t ever discuss their feelings—because that’s a bottomless pit—and don’t tell the Narcissist how bad he/she is making you feel because like a shark smelling blood from their prey, it will then compel the shark AND THE NARCISSIST to attack you again (that’s in addition to their initial attack). Keep everything as generic as possible.

 The long and short of it is that you must DETACH FROM THE OUTCOME. You can’t control the Narcissist. You can’t make them change. All you can do is make choices for yourself, decide how much you can tolerate, set boundaries, and decide when enough is enough and end the relationship. You cannot be their prisoner because it is NOT a viable or workable situation; it is smothering, manipulative, controlling, disabling, dehumanizing and destructive.

 LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS or completely shut them off with your Narcissist. Expecting anything real or positive from a Narcissist will only lead you to feel worthless, blamed, shamed, broadsided, perpetually disappointed, and hurt. Run away and never look back.

 For all their crocodile tears and hyper-sensitivity, Narcissists are emotional predators and bullies. If you stay in a relationship with a Narcissist the best, you can expect is more of the same. You may achieve some periods of peace, but at what cost – total denial of the truth and ABUSE. There is nothing there for you, not even a real person.

 LASTLY – if your ex-Narcissist seems to be happily hooked up with someone else already, let it go! Perhaps there is something else going on entirely different than what meets the eye, and there usually is. It is easy to assume this if the Narcissist has someone in their life and you may be or are alone. You assume that the Narcissist has “moved on” and is happy after blaming and shaming you to death. But a Narcissist is a parasite, and it is simply their nature to feed on the soul and energy of another. Do you think parasites love that which they feed upon? It is a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist feeds on his/her partner and the Narcissist returns an empty illusion of love and security. But when the target/victim is all used up the Narcissist discards them and the illusion crumbles. Suddenly the target/victim, realizes there is/was no real love and certainly no security. The Narcissist is now off creating that same symbiotic relationship with another unsuspecting target because it is the Narcissist’s nature to feed upon the energy (and everything else) of others.

 Unfortunately, we have romanticized the whole thing and believed our relationship was real, but the Narcissist is an illusionary, lying, manipulative, disordered and toxic creature and nothing is real except that they extort their targets/victims’ lives. The Narcissist’s new relationship is NOT REAL even in the smallest way, so remove that thought completely from your head. The Narcissist like a thief has successfully broken into the head/psyche of another target/victim and like a thief wearing gloves to protect themselves from leaving fingerprints the Narcissist is ransacking and grabbing everything he/she can from the unsuspecting target’s psyche and life. But what also lies in between is all of the abuse, mind games, betrayal, manipulation, cheating, brainwashing and basically hate and disrespect for human dignity and human life. There is no life with a Narcissist, there is no negotiating with a Narcissist, and there is NO ASSOCIATION with a Narcissist – IT IS LIKE BEING A PRISONER. There is only pain/ destruction and loss at the hands of a psychological terrorist and thief.

 What will become powerful and long-lasting is the desire and implementation of no contact and your total FREEDOM from the abusive prison. There is such a repulsion and indignity you will feel because now you know the truth of someone abusing you in a manner to make you believe that they are/were acting out of love and a commitment to you and possibly even a family you created together. It is grotesque to say the least to KNOW their con and big lie. Finally, you are beginning to see the soulless and predatory creature that would damage your life or anybody’s life (even their own biological children) in an effort to fulfill all of their needs in the perverse and out-of-control manner that they live. If you remain resolved and steadfast in your “no contact” the temptation to listen and believe the narcissist definitely lessens and diminishes in time. THEN in its place grows a new way of processing the abuse and your past with the Narcissist that will no longer allow this disordered and misshapen freak to dictate the terms of your inner and outer life. And the reason you now can use that word, “allow”, is because now you have a real choice in a way you never had when your mind and emotions were held HOSTAGE while being expertly and methodically psychologically terrorized – or ABUSED if you will. Greg  

Posted on May 13, 2022, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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