The disabling, constant push and pull relationship with a Narcissist!
The disabling, constant push and pull relationship with a Narcissist! He/she loves me — he/she loves me NOT! He/she LOVES YOU NOT and they never even considered love or any type of relationship with YOU or anybody else! Cognitive dissonance – or why we continue to believe in them even after all the disparaging and abusive things they do to us. We must understand that they continue their reign of terror to push us down as low as they can! We believed in some form of connection or love as all NORMAL people do, but this was a desperate, distorted, and manipulated love that was destroying us bit by bit but did not see it happening until it was too late! We only realized AFTER the fact, but we still must grieve that love and the abuse without the experience to deal with the duality or polar opposites of cognitive dissonance.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
More than often target/victims project the blame back onto themselves as they were conditioned to do all throughout the relationship and accept things that they normally would not. After all it was ALL OF OUR FAULT as we were made to believe! We got there because we accepted all of the Narcissist’s projection of blame and begin questioning ourselves. What did we do wrong, to drive them away? What was it about me that was so wrong or lacking that made the Narcissist become so negative or unhappy in the relationship? Was I not good enough, smart enough, virtuous enough like the Narcissist claimed, hardworking enough, beautiful, or handsome enough, sexy, worthy, submissive enough, didn’t I give enough, do I REALLY have issues like this Narcissist said? Did I, could I, should I, if I? It is always the same coefficient from them constantly managing you down and it always becomes OUR issues and never actually holding this monster accountable for what was psychological abuse. We never get it that we were just ANOTHER object for this Narcissist to use and discard. We only believed the lies and fell into this abuse, so we live with the distorted thoughts until we purge them out of us OR until we actualize the truth and get help to move away from all of the negative messages that modified our behaviors in such a destructive manner. THERE IS NEVER any closure with this Narcissist because it was all an agenda that ends with destruction, and they are not going to take responsibility for their abuse and be exposed for who and what they are.
When a target/victim experiences cognitive dissonance, our rational ability to actualize reality or accept the knowledge about the psychopathy as far as it concerns the Narcissists does not fully sink in on the powerful EMOTIONAL LEVEL because they conned us into that emotional bond first. Plus, we never had ‘real time’ experience or knowledge about this personality disorder to help us understand what was happening to us! Consequently, we continually move back and forth between that old, idealized fantasy that was pounded into our mind and heart and the pathetic reality of the NEW truth about this disordered individual that terrorized our world and try to rationalize it but the brain/heart can’t handle the polar opposite thoughts side by side. This is such a confusing process and as well as an emotionally draining one too. Just remember that initially, when you were in the idealization phase, the fantasy was that this Narcissist could love you and that he/she seriously committed to loving you. Then, once you were devalued and/or discarded, the fantasy remains that he/she is capable of LOVE and loving others, BUT just not you. You feel that you were not right for him/her, but NOW someone else can be SO RIGHT for them and it reinforces the distorted messages. Narcissists do not know love or feel love with ANYBODY. There will be MANY more and newer ‘others’ in this Narcissist’s future but ALL of them are just new objects to use and throw away!
Cognitive dissonance is part of the disabling process of being a target/victim of a personality disordered Narcissist and does not occur in healthy relationships. When there are two healthy individuals in a relationship there are good and bad parts as it concerns two separate personalities merging. But by far one or the other person does not have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality or a mask of sanity that hides a malicious, abusive, and destructive person. In a healthy relationship, there is a certain level of transparency, so basically, what you see is what you get, and it is consistent, flaws and all. ALSO, healthy relationships are not based on emotional/psychological abuse, control, domination and an insurmountable mountain of deliberate lies and manipulation. Furthermore, healthy relationships do not end abruptly, as if they never even happened because normal people can’t detach so quickly from deeper relationships and JUMP right into another one UNLESS it was completely built on deception and basically one partner is a Narcissist! LASTLY – love is REAL to us and normal in our world and we have all been there – loved and even lost – the difference is that we were not dealing with a personality disordered person that USED that very emotional against us by basically using it to modify our behavior or to CONTROL US as a means to an end. We only knew the real love in our world and had no clue that there were people like this. Cognitive dissonance happens in those cases where there is a horrendous contradiction between a reality and an increasingly implausible fantasy which when fully revealed, would be too painful to accept, so much so that you would rather cling to parts of the fantasy than confront that sad reality and move on.
So what is related to this cognitive dissonance is that the Narcissist still has a form of power over you and the Narcissist’s distorted standards still have a place in your brain AND heart. Call it ambient abuse! Even though you may reject the Narcissist on some level, on another the Narcissist’s opinions still somehow matter to you (those old messages still playing in your head!) Narcissists are frauds, their actions, words, and opinions are distorted and delusional! The Narcissist’s connections to others, especially the ones the Narcissist CLAIMS to be “the love of their life,” are only empty, controlling, and abusive bonds too. But if you stay emotionally attached or you still care about what the Narcissists thinks or feels, then you are giving a highly disordered person too much power over you.
Completely cut those imaginary ties and cut the cord that still connects you to a pathological Narcissist, as well as his/her disordered supporters and their abnormal and distorted frame of reference AND games. Nothing good will ever come out of allowing a Narcissist and his/her pathological defenders or minions having a place in your life, heart, or mind. The connection between the Narcissist’s and their followers/supply is a disordered perspective that messes with your healthy life AND creates the intense inner tension or cognitive dissonance. To eliminate this means to free yourself body, soul, heart and mind from this Narcissist, their followers and their opinions, standards, AND games. What they do, say, think or believe and the silly mind games they choose to play simply does not matter OR belong in your world. What they post on social sites is just another mask they use that hides the truth and them begging for attention! Totally disengage from anything and everything that concerns the Narcissist. I did a long time ago and I am very clear about my situation and the real truth. I do not connect to THIS NARCISSIST at any level, I pull myself away from ANY and EVERY situation or connection that might exist. Everything this Narcissists does, or projects is just more and more layers of ridiculous lies. I absorbed all of that information a long time ago and saturated my mind with the truth that this person is dead inside and really a monster! These are words I never believed I would use in my lifetime to describe anybody BUT that is only the truth as it concerns this person so I can say them now! I can also say I am repulsed by this person and their lifestyle. It is all so clear now and that is what moved me forward to live and love again!
What does any connection with a Narcissist yield? Just blame, shame, sadness, frustration, a sense of defeat, doubt, constant and conflicting thoughts, many lies, mistrust, feelings of worthlessness, distorted emotions, betrayal, destruction, and ABUSE to you personally. PLEASE internalize that despite how intense the emotional upheaval might be, it is so worth getting your freedom back to live life as you should – otherwise what other option really exists? Remember this if you remember anything you are not weak, stupid, you are vulnerable and struggling to find answers, so it is particularly distressing when your normal reality has been intentionally corrupted by what you believed was just a caring and loving human being that turned into this MONSTER! Please remember that your emotions bond you to this creature and that is what you must actualize by accepting the truth about them as far as the fake love they offered that you believed in – it was not real it was a trap. A relationship and love do not involve bargaining parts of your life away to meet anybody’s needs! REMEMBER – he/she LOVES YOU NOT! No/minimal contact PLEASE! Greg