NEVER allow yourself to look back at this relationship as anything but destructive, fake, and abusive!
NEVER allow yourself to look back at this relationship as anything but destructive, fake, and abusive! The Narcissist wants to remain affixed in your mind and heart, but it is more manipulation to control and harm YOU. They completely rely on ‘appearances’ to create their world and those ‘appearances’ are all FALSE and based on LIES! So, remember when you get lost in thoughts concerning them that you are believing in a false illusion or THEIR LIES of what THEY are portraying and NOTHING more.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
One of the most important issues when trying to recover from Narcissistic abuse is avoiding the tendency to obsess or ruminate about the abuser in our life. We tend to believe that while we are left holding all the dark and delusional energy from the relationship that our abuser escaped without any repercussions and with all the goods. We imagine the Narcissist to be off walking in the sunset with his/her new love while we are sitting at home suffering depression, apathy, anger and horrific emotional pain, financial loss, and psychological issues that they imposed on us. All of this may hold the very truth as it concerns the damage they leave us with, but they are still a personality disordered Narcissist that lives an out-of-control and dysfunctional life of lies and false appearances. They are always on the run and having to bury their past with lies upon lies and it DOES catch up with them. We can’t give them any more of our power or energy by believing they are better off because they aren’t! They are abusers and will always be abusers searching for their next victim to use and abuse. What we are dealing with is the emotional and psychological TRAUMA that THEY inflicted on our lives – so remind yourself AND ask yourself who would do this but a highly disordered person. They do not deserve ANY of our thoughts or time! The only time they deserve should be time behind bars because what they do is criminal!
If we really take the time to think about it, it is highly unlikely that our abuser is really having the happy life that they SAY they do. The clinical THEORY of this abuse AND why the Narcissist acts out in the manner he/she does stems from a deep sense of inadequacy, insecurity, and low self-worth – BUT this is NO excuse for abusing people and life. They are aware of their actions because they will easily lie to cover up their indiscretions because they KNOW what they are doing is wrong and they will be judged harshly for their actions – THAT is a cognitive thought process of discerning right from wrong. Their life is a constant circle of lies and fake appearances they create and recreate to constantly serve themselves!
The Narcissist is forced to get his/her feelings of well-being from external things (objectification) or things outside of his/her world – things like objects which people are reduced to also. A Narcissist may temporarily experience the false illusion of some sort of delusional happiness with another person because they HAVE to seek out this attention/adulation to survive, much like they once did with us, but AGAIN this is flimsy and temporary and more of a need and addiction. Think of a child with their toys and how easily they can go from loving one to another and then introduce a new toy and they forget all about the other ones until a new one comes along!
If the Narcissist builds his/her self-image or good feelings about themselves based on how he/she is perceived by others and what they can get from others, it is only a matter of time before the CHARM or “love spell” wears off as it has with all of us because their façade is very shallow and weak no matter what type of relationship. Remember there are no internal mechanisms, so everything is based on external images or how they are perceived that the Narcissist uses as their own reflection. Remember they are creating all of these images with LIES and there are so many images they have to somehow keep straight – but they never do and it catches up with them! You need the mix of the healthy internal mechanisms of love, empathy, compassion, as well as the harmony/co-existence WITH real emotions to live in reality and to grow with another person.
Sooner or later his/her new relationship (whatever type) will have issues or complaints with the relationship because a Narcissist can’t survive with JUST ONE SOURCE OF SUPPLY because they NEED constant attention from different/many sources and they are completely out-of-control with their searches for more and more. What you see or imagine is likely a fantasy that you have created in your own mind that the Narcissist has reinforced with more lies and illusions to keep you under their control and even make you out to be obsessed. It heightens their image of themselves to manipulate/hurt you even more after the fact, so they can prove to the world that they are just that amazing and you (we) are obsessed, scorned, or can’t move on without them. Guess what – we can, I have, and YOU WILL TOO! Being AWAY from the Narcissist is wonderful, positive, and how it is meant to be. You will only see this when you are away and gain that clarity.
Changing this fantasy means taking back the power and controlling your thoughts to change what you tell yourself because you now know the truth, right? When we allow this dysfunction (from the Narcissist) there is always and only black and white thinking. We are either all good or all bad and guess who is controlling all of this – YUP the Narcissist. There are no shades of gray where a Narcissist is involved, and we somehow lose the ability to believe in ourselves as we once did. Discard everything about that Narcissist and do not try to peek into their world because it is still the chaotic place you once knew BUT that Narcissist will make it out to be perfection. No/minimal contact to get to that healthy place you once knew. NOTHING about them deserves our thoughts especially that they are better off than we are! STOP believing in them to move forward. WE are amazing people full of empathy and love and we CAN and WILL heal and recover from this abuse. We have ability to REALLY love and a Narcissist can only PRETEND so they can serve their agenda to achieve power and control over people. YOU deserve so much better. No/more contact ALWAYS. Greg